Schooled (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 21 - Clueless - full transcript

LAINEY: Back in the '80s, it was
always me and Barry Goldberg.

But then the '90s hit, and we grew up.

I was teaching at William Penn.

Barry was doing
his residency in Detroit.

Barry? Barry?

For over a year,

we tried to make it work long-distance.

We talked and talked... a lot.

And what we finally decided
was best was to break up...

maybe not forever,
but definitely for now.

Of course I was a mess.



But I finally got myself up and out.

And fortunately, the best
of all the '90s rom-coms,

"Clueless," had just hit the theaters.

I love Josh.

And I found inspirations

from the bold,
charming intelligence of Cher.

Her sense of independence
made me feel like

I could make it on my own.

So I decided to be just like her,

including the cute outfits.

Believe it or not,

my breakup with Barry
wasn't getting me down.

The two of us had decided
to go our separate ways

and remain friends, so I was ready



to move on with my life
and put Barry in the past.

Let's talk about you and Barry.

I can't believe Barry left you
for one of his nurses

and ran off to Toronto,
the Paris of Canada.

It was totally mutual.

And at the very least, Montreal
is the Paris of Canada.

That's not what I heard went down.

Word is, Goldberg stuck a note
in her Build-a-Bear.

Using America's cuddliest mall novelty

to do his dirty work.

Makes me sick.

Leave her alone!
She's a grown woman. She's fine.

Are you fine?
I can make you a pie, sweetie.

Guys, take it from me...
who was actually there...

it was a totally normal break-up.

Now, can we please move on with our day?

Aw, Lainey, there you are.

CB and Wilma need a third
for the prom committee,

and I thought, who better
than you to help them out?

I'd be happy to.

Thank you for treating me
like a fully functioning person.

Anything to take your mind
off of the brutal breakup.

And to think Barry crushed your heart

on a beautiful hot-air balloon ride

over the vineyards of Napa.

For the last time...

Oh. I actually like that one.
We'll go with that.

And we, your friends on
the ground, are here for you.

Group hug, everyone.

[Chuckles] Oh. No.

♪ One of these days,
you're gonna get outta here ♪

♪ Live your life and finally be free ♪

♪ Go where you wanna go,
do what you wanna do ♪

♪ Someday, you will say
"Those were the days" ♪

It was May 13, 1990-something,
and Julie had gone out of town

and entrusted Coach Mellor to
be totally in charge of Toby.

Hey, John. Look at Toby.

That's my boy.

Well, not my boy,
but my girlfriend's boy.

Well, actually, uh, her nephew

who she's the legal guardian of.

You meant "of whom
she is the legal guardian."

Don't be that guy, John.

The point is, Julie's only
been gone for a couple days,

and already, my alpha energy
is rubbing off on Toby.

And the ladies are clearly drawn to it.

Actually, Rick, that's Dawn,

the senior girl who's tutoring Toby.

She's part of my program
where seniors tutor freshmen.

Oh, yeah, your, uh, "See-Fresh" program.

Yes, "See-Fresh" is
an extremely clever name

that I came up with
and not a typo that... happened

while I was designing the flyers.

I think he's got a crush on Dawn.

I remember my first crush...

1964, Ursulga Bordath.

She was an Olympic shot-putter,
won a gold medal.

When she put that shot, it may
as well have been my heart.

I was a Mrs. Butterworth guy myself.

Sweet and shapely.

Maybe it's best
we don't tell anybody else

what we've shared here today.

Yeah. That may be best.

Anyways, I'm gonna head out.

I... suddenly have
a hankering for pancakes.

Hey, Coach! You'll never guess
what just happened!

- What happened?
- Dawn asked me to go to prom with her.

Oh, ha ha!

That sounds great, buddy! Congrats!

This is so cool.

I never thought
I'd start dating till I was 35,

but I'm a playa now.

It's on like Donkey Kong!

You're going to prom, baby!

Oh, yeah!

Toby, a bunch of us
are going to play laser tag

on Saturday night.

I was thinking maybe you could come.

Laser tag? Yeah.

That's a game for boys.

And as of today, I'm a man now.

Dawn just asked me
to go to prom with her.

Isn't Dawn, like... old?

Yep. 17.

And in one more year,

she'll be able to get us
into R-rated movies.

Okay. Well, have fun at prom, I guess.

Toby couldn't contain
his excitement for prom.

Meanwhile, Wilma and CB realized

they'd need to get creative
with their prom plans.

Okay, for prom decorations,
all I was able to dig out of storage

were some old Halloween streamers

and a "Dukakis for President" banner.

So, how are you doing with
all this Lainey and Barry stuff?

It must be weird for you,

seeing as how you were
pining after Lainey forever,

and as soon as you start
dating Paloma... boom.

Miss Lainey suddenly is
back on the market.

Wilma, like the failed
presidential campaign

of Michael Dukakis,
that stuff's in the past.

So, are you telling me you have
no feelings for Lainey?

I am happy with Paloma now.

Okay, you know what?
Just let it go, please.

You didn't say no.

Okay, so, what are we doing here?

I present to you...

our blank prom canvas,

A.K.A. the stinky-ass gym.

We could probably build off
the dank smell

and go with an "Under the Sea
at Low Tide" theme.

You know, Paloma, my new girlfriend,

spent the entire summer under the sea

studying whale migration patterns, so...

Oh. I'm... I'm sorry.

I didn't mean
to rub my happy relationship

in your sad face.

It's okay. I'm genuinely happy for you.

Talk about Paloma all you want.

Okay. Thank God. 'Cause literally
everything reminds me of her.

She's just the best.

I can't even remember life "BP."

That means "Before Paloma." [Chuckles]

My new "GF." That means "girl..."

We know. Okay, uh, prom themes.

We need something long
to cover all this space.

I got it... "Slip 'N Slide of Love."

I've got an older one
I'd be okay to lend out.

How about something like
"Tunnel of Love"?

Which is more normal and will have
less personal-injury lawsuits.

Wait. I got it. And I really do got it.

"Chunnel of Love."

What the hell's a Chunnel?
Like a chubby tunnel?

No, it's the recently completed
engineering marvel

that connects England and France.

Oh, uh, speaking of Paloma,
I'm gonna be late

for our "afternoon delight."
[Clicks tongue]

- Good Lord.
- What?

Every afternoon, we meet up

to get a delightful ice cream treat.

Oh.

It must be really hard
to see CB with a girlfriend,

especially 'cause
if you and Barry had broken up

like two weeks ago,
that girlfriend could be you.

Oh, please. [Chuckles]
We all know he was into me.

But as far as I'm concerned,
we're just good friends.

Mm-hmm.

Truth is, I'm happy to be single.

I am free. I'm out there.

I'm basically a Sheryl Crow song.

Don't bring Sheryl Crow into this.

While I was trying to convince
Wilma that I was A-okay,

Mellor was excited
to talk to Glascott A.S.A.P.

John, stop rolling. I got great news.

You know how Toby has a crush
on Dawn Ferguson?

Where's all this cat hair coming from?

Well, get this... she just asked him...

I haven't owned a cat in years.

Dawn asked Toby to the prom.

What?!

A tutor asking out a tutee?

That's against
the See-Fresh code of conduct.

This is a learning program.

It's not the "Swim-Up Happy Hour"

at Sandals Montego Bay.

Well, I guess
your little codes are no match

for the testosterone-laden
tutelage of Rick Mellor.

Do you think Toby is ready for prom?

What's there to be ready for?

Some respectfully spaced
slow dancing to Paul Anka?

Fruit punch with enough 7-Up
to tickle your nose?

Ending the night at the malt shop

with an ice cream sundae for two?

Rick, the Norman Rockwell world
you just described is long gone.

These days, proms are like Studio 54.

There are pre-parties and limo rides

and after parties.

And then there's a room
at the Embassy Suites.

Well, Toby's not mature enough
for any of that.

Just last week, he blushed

when a chimp blew a kiss at him
at the zoo.

Mm-hmm. Been there.

Well, this can't happen on my watch.

Julie left me with
her innocent little boy,

and I can't let him
turn into a mini Don Johnson!

Okay, let's not jump to conclusions.

I'm sorry, Rick.

Not only is there cat hair
on the outside of my sleeve,

there's cat hair in my sleeve.

How does a cat get in your sleeve?!

While Mellor was worried
if Toby was ready for prom,

Wilma and I were readying the
school for the perfect night.

I hope when the kids ride
through our "Chunnel of Love,"

it inspires them to learn
more about engineering.

Ha. You know they're just gonna
use it for awkward teen groping.

Anatomy. Still science. I'll take it.

Oh, hey, guys.

Oh, hey, Paloma, CB's new girlfriend.

Have you seen him?

No, he went to Panera
because we ran out of bread

for our "Arc de Baguettes"
for the French side.

Oh. Okay. Well, tell him I want to
talk to him. I have some big news.

Ooh. Big news.
Did you buy a house? New car?

You pregnant?

- Only with information. [Chuckles]
- Weird.

- Okay. We'll let him know.
- It's really big news.

We got that from when you said it.

Sounds like you really want
to talk to someone about this.

Yeah, we're all ears,
if you want to share.

Okay.

So, I have this amazing opportunity

to go to the Brazilian rainforest

to help protect endangered tree frogs.

Wow.

The only rainforest I've ever gone to

is the Rainforest Cafe.

Sounds like the chance of a lifetime.

It is, but I'd be gone the whole summer.

That's why I'm on the fence.

Take it from someone who recently found
herself as an independent woman.

You got to do what's best for you.

But what about CB?

You don't need to worry about CB.

He's always telling me
how much he loves your passion.

Talking about your passion
is his passion.

You can't take that away from him.

But you, of all people, know how hard

the long-distance thing is.

How long will you be long-distance for...
three months?

I didn't think of it that way.

Thanks, Lainey!

I guess I'm going to the rainforest!

Village with no plumbing, here I come.

No plumbing? Ew!

Eh... But go get 'em, tiger.

Damn.

That was some Erica Kane-level

soap-opera stuff right there!

Good God, woman! Let it go!

I just told Paloma to spend the
summer living her frickin' dream.

Until she gets bit by a mosquito

or gets her face eaten off
by a rabid monkey.

Then CB's all yours.

That's insane!

I just encouraged Paloma
to be an independent woman.

An independent woman with no face.

♪

Mellor was shocked to find out
about the pitfalls

of modern proms, so he enlisted Glascott

to find out just what was
in store for Toby.

What's happening, girls?
Excited for the prom?

I know I'm pretty psyched
about the Chunnel of Love.

Yeah, I-I guess.

So, accessory wise,
what are you guys thinking...

berets or Beefeater hats?

Oh, we're probably not doing
anything Chunnel-related.

Yeah, you don't wanna cover up
those great hairdos.

So, what are you thinking?

Uh, you wanna go with an updo
or half up, half down?

Butterfly clips?

Ooh! Spiky twists?

Someone read the YM prom issue.

You know I did, girlfriend. [Chuckles]

And, hey, is there
a post-prom party spot

you guys plan on being all up in?

Hey, John!

You wanted me to talk
about mononucleosis

and the toll it takes
on teens that kiss?

Gosh, you kids don't want to catch that

from your prom dates, do you?

Don't worry. I won't be kissing
my prom date anytime soon.

Really? Why's that?

Oh. [Chuckles] Nothing.

Come on, Dawn!
Look, I am not your principal.

Right now, I'm just
another gal pal. [Chuckles]

[Singsong voice] Let's dish!

Okay. [Chuckles] I guess.

Well, uh, my date to prom

is this freshman kid,
and he's really sweet,

but I'm just using him
as a cover because my parents...

they don't like
my real boyfriend, Robbie.

Robbie McFadden?
He's a budding delinquent.

But when my parents see me
with this Toby kid,

they'll let me go to prom,

where I can just ditch him
and meet up with Robbie.

So, you don't like Toby that way?

Does he know that?

Well, he's gotta. [Chuckles] Right?

I mean, he's, like, a little kid and...

Well, let's just say that last week,

somebody mistook me
for a real estate agent.

[School bell rings]

If Toby goes to that prom,

he's gonna have his little
squirrel heart broken.

And if you tell him
and he doesn't go, still broken.

Either option,
same squirrel heart result.

Unless I can come up
with a third option.

While Mellor cooked up
an alternate plan,

I was finding out
how I'd affected CB's plans.

Wilma wants a romantic shade of gray

for the Chunnel walls,
so I've narrowed it down

to "smoky charcoal"
or "Bea Arthur's hair."

Wow. That's some serious
stress-juggling going on there.

- You okay, pal?
- Not really.

I feel like my heart
was ripped out of my body

'cause my super smokin'-hot girlfriend

is ditching me to save some tree frogs.

We're talking about Paloma?

'Cause she's very attractive,
but let's not get crazy.

[Chuckles]

Okay. I think you latched onto
the less important part.

Paloma is leaving me.

She's going to Brazil
for the entire summer.

I know.

'Cause you just told me, so now I know.

It sucks. I really liked her. Seriously.

She's so hot.

Yes, she's very
traditionally attractive.

All she was talking about
was her "passion,"

and I was hoping
maybe I was her passion.

Well, it's just three months.

It was just nice
to have someone, you know?

And I really thought I'd had
a shot, but now it's gone.

Ooh. Those are some "E-motions."
[Chuckles]

Making me feel all guilty...

for asking you to weigh in
on the paint swatches.

I'll just take this off your plate.

Hey, Lainey.

You're a really good friend.

Yeah.

♪

I felt super guilty

for messing up CB's chances with Paloma,

- but I wasn't sure what to do about it.
- ["All By Myself" plays]

So I decided to go for a walk
to clear my mind

and hopefully feel
a little less clueless.

But then I thought,
"Why should I feel guilty?"

I was encouraging Paloma
to be an independent woman.

What was so wrong with...

Ooh! I wonder
if they have that in my size.

It was totally not
what Wilma was saying.

I wasn't trying to sabotage
CB's relationship.

He was just a guy I worked with.

I mean, sure, he'd become my friend...

♪ All by myself ♪

...a friend who always
made me laugh and feel good.

But why was I buggin' about this?

This was, like, CB.

Okay, okay, I had to admit
he was kinda cute,

and maybe some of his crazy
dance moves were kinda fun.

But he deserved someone
who appreciated him,

who really got him, ya know?

Then, suddenly, it hit me.

Oh, my God!

♪ Don't wanna live ♪

I like CB!

♪ ...by myself ♪

I was totally, crazy,
head over heels for CB!

♪

Oh, boy.

As I was hit with a huge reality check,

Glascott and Mellor were trying
to save Toby from his reality.

Toby, you can't go to prom

because you're suspended from school.

- Why?!
- Um... I don't know?

- Seriously, John?
- [Sighs] I'm sorry, Rick.

I didn't think he'd have
a follow-up question.

What's going on?

It seems like you two
don't want me going to prom.

N... T-Toby, sit down for a second.

W... I got to tell you something.

We were trying
not to hurt your feelings,

but Dawn doesn't like you
the way you think she does.

What are you talking about?

She just needed some guy
to fool her parents

so she can go to prom.

And then when she got there, she was...

gonna ditch you for her boyfriend.

Robbie McFadden.

So I'm not her boyfriend.

- She was just using me.
- Sorry, T-Man.

God, I'm so stupid.

Why would I think a girl
like Dawn would ever like me?

Ahh, poor Toby.

You know, Robbie McFadden put
a ferret in my desk drawer once.

Wait. That's where
all that hair is coming from!

Toby was upset over the news about Dawn,

but I was psyched to tell Wilma
about my CB epiphany.

Wilma!

You were right. CB and I
are meant to be together.

Ooh, I knew it!

I was so right, and you denied it.

But Wilma knew. Mm-hmm. Wilma knew.

All right, enough with the gloating.

But I don't know what to do about it

'cause, you know,
the whole Paloma thing.

Well, what if I told you
CB still has feelings for you?

Did he tell you that?

No.

But... yes.

- Huh?
- He didn't say it,

but he didn't not say it.

Wow. It's all lining up. Okay.

Barry and I broke it off. I like CB.

CB's girlfriend is going to Brazil.

CB still doesn't
necessarily not like me.

- It's fate.
- And Wilma.

Now the only thing left to do
is tell CB how I feel.

- But when?
- Now.

- No.
- Yes. Here he comes.

- What?
- Bye-bye.

Hey, Lainey,
can I talk to you for a sec?

- Yeah. I need to tell you something.
- I gotta tell you something.

- Oh.
- Me first. [Chuckles]

No, me first.
It's... It's really important.

Um, this whole Paloma leaving thing...

it really got me thinking
about love and fate.

Me too.

- Long-distance relationships suck.
- They're the worst.

And that's why I was thinking

Paloma leaving is a sign.

A big ol' sign.

A sign for me to just do
what I was afraid to do.

Don't be afraid.

And to just really go after what I want.

Go, Mr. Brown.

So, what I want is...

[Music swells]

...a super rad trip to the Amazon

with my girlfriend.

- Wait. What?
- Yeah.

I'm gonna take the summer va-cay
with my bay-bay, Palo-may.

Oh.

[Chuckling] Wow.

What was it that you were gonna tell me?

Eh... Um...

[Exhales sharply] The paint.

Sherman Williams just ran out
of "Bea Arthur's Hair" color,

so now we're going with... gray.

Oh, that's a bummer.

Uh, yeah, but...

you can't always get what you want.
[Chuckles]

["All By Myself" plays]

♪

I decided that CB
heading to Brazil with Paloma

was for the best.

Why screw up my life
even more than it is now?

How could you not tell CB how you feel?

Before I could, he made his decision.

He's going to Brazil.

No, you're letting him go to Brazil.

And I've worked too hard
to let you [bleep] this up.

What am I supposed to do?

Do not let him leave this gym tonight

without telling him how you feel.

Well, that's not gonna happen.
I can't even face him right now.

I'm gonna go make sure
the Eiffel Tower doesn't fall over.

I did not bolt it down,
like you told me to.

I was trying to steer clear of CB,

but Wilma was gonna
make me face him head-on.

Um... a-attention, students!

Uh, I know you're all itching
for your chance to Chunnel,

but since insurance won't let us
send children through

without it being tested on adults first,

I'd like to send in my fellow engineers,

Ms. Lewis and CB!

Hey!

Um, no. I'm clearly very busy.

Oh, come on, Lainey. It'll be fun.

Okay. Fine.

Keep your hands and feet inside,

and also watch your head,
'cause, you know,

you're taller than the kids,

and there might be
some nails sticking through.

- Nails?
- Have a good ride.

♪

[Door closes]

Hey, Tobester.

Not in the mood to talk.

Well...

if it's any consolation, I know
what you're going through.

How?

I wasn't always the rough-hewn Greek God

you see before you.

When I was your age,
I was gangly and awkward.

I was a tiny, little wisp,
just like you.

Not helping.

I had absolutely no moves
with girls whatsoever.

I was constantly being cast
aside, like I didn't matter.

Where is this going?

I see myself in you.

And I learned that

for all the times
you strike out with a girl,

eventually, you hit a home run

and you meet somebody
who likes you back.

What if I'm the guy
that keeps striking out?

In the big leagues, the guys
that strike out the most

are also the guys
that hit the most home runs.

Because they keep on swinging.

[The Cranberries' "Dreams" plays]

Thanks, Coach.

♪

[Laser gunfire]

[Vocalizing]

[Laser gunfire]

Toby. What are you doing here?

- Shouldn't you be at prom?
- No.

I came here to tell you I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have treated you how I did.

This is where I want to be.

Apology accepted.

You look good, like when
Bugs Bunny goes to the opera.

Thanks. That's what I was going for.

♪

It's a pretty weird prom, huh?

[Chuckles] Yeah.

We really should've gone with
"Under the Sea" or something normal.

[Clicks tongue]

Are you okay?

♪ Oh, my life ♪

Yeah. Fine.

Totally fine.

I don't think you are.

♪

I know we've been talking
about me and Paloma so much,

I haven't really checked in
to see how you're doing

with your Barry breakup, so...

No, it's not that.

Then what is it?

♪ It's never quite as it seems ♪

Come on. You can tell me
anything, Lainey.

What's... What's going on?

♪ Dream to me ♪

Don't go.

To Brazil.

Why not?

Because I want you to stay.

♪

Give me a reason to stay.

♪

♪ Then I open up and see ♪

♪ The person falling here is me ♪

♪ A different way to be ♪

♪

[Vocalizing]

♪

How was your Chunnel ride?

♪

Well, ooo-la-la.

Taking big chances can be scary.

You don't always know
how it's going to work out.

♪ Impossible to ignore ♪

But that doesn't mean you shouldn't try.

♪ Impossible to ignore ♪

Because life can be unpredictable.

You can start off in one place

and wind up somewhere totally different.

♪ They'll come true ♪

And you're not exactly sure
what to do next.

♪ Impossible not to do ♪

You're left wondering
what the future will hold.

But excited to find out.

[Vocalizing]

♪

Let's play laser tag!

[As Dirty Harry]
Do you feel lucky, punk?

[As the Terminator]
Hasta la vista, baby.

[As Travis Bickle] You talkin' to me?

[As John Cutter] You ever play roulette?
Always bet on Mellor.

[As the Joker] You ever dance with
the devil in the pale moonlight?

[As Tony Montana]
Say hello to my little friend!

[As James Marshall] Get off my plane!

[As Neo] I'm in the Matrix!

- [Bones crack]
- [Grunts]

[Groans]

♪♪

[Ding!]

[Ding!]

[Ding!]

[Ding!]

[Ding!]

[Ding!]

[Ding!]

And we want to thank
all of the teachers out there.

You guys are the true heroes...
now more than ever.

So thank you.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com