Schitt's Creek (2015–…): Season 6, Episode 3 - The Job Interview - full transcript

I-I can see you!
Can you see me?

Finally! How many days
has it been?

Yeah, sorry about that.

We ended up having to extend
our research trip.

But it was totally worth it
because we discovered

a new breed of fly
that mates with itself.

Yummm! Mm.

Well, I guess if this is
what you look like

after finding some gross fly,

I can forgive you for being
away for so long.

I've actually been bench
pressing 100-pound tortoises



because there's no gym here.

Ted! Stop making me jealous
of turtles.

Tortoises, but I do have
tur-tell you

that I've been thinking
about you, a lot,

especially at nighttime.

What a coincidence.

I've been thinking about you
a lot.

At nighttime.

I've been all alone and lonely.

Oh!

Oh my God, David!
Knock much?!

Hi, David!

Hi. Is he dressed?

- Yes!
- Ugh. Forget it.



Okay, we're celebrating
our anniversary.

Can you give us some privacy,
please?

Kids, just wanna let you know

I'm taking the car this morning.

- Ugh!
- Mm.

You might wanna say hi to Ted.

He and Alexis were about
to engage in cyber-sex.

Mm!

- Hi, Ted.
- Hi, Mr. Rose.

Alexis,
what have I told you

about putting your body
on the internet?

Never! Never without proper
lighting.

Can everyone get out, please?!

I haven't seen my boyfriend
in like eight days.

And I haven't seen my furry
Fendi's for weeks.

Hi, Mrs. Rose!

No. We're not engaging
with them.

Everybody out so I can
finish off with Ted!

- Sick!
- Ugh! Goodbye, please!

Found them!

*SCHITT'S CREEK*
Season 06 Episode 03

*SCHITT'S CREEK*
Episode Title :"The Job Interview"

What took you so long?

Uh, you said it was
an emergency,

- so I came straight here.
- You stopped for coffee?

And a breakfast burrito
that I got to go.

So what's going on?

I need you to help me...

put together an outfit.

'Kay, I have a job interview
this afternoon

and I need to look
professional.

So, does that mean you're
officially leaving the motel?

No. just, I don't know,

I'm just, you know, trying
to see what's out there.

- Mm.
- And...

Larry Air is hosting
an open call

for employment opportunities.

Okay, "Larrierre" sounds
like a dollar-store perfume.

It's an airline.

Larry is the name of the CEO.

He used to own a chain
of delis,

but then he sold them

to buy a bunch of planes.
Mm.

I get to travel,
see the world.

Mhmm. You know that
I was once told

that I would make an excellent
flight attendant.

Hmm! By who?

Sandy, the hostess on
our private plane.

She once let me debone
a branzino

during turbulence.
So what're you trying to say?

You don't think I have what it
takes to be a flight attendant?

No. I just think if it's
between the two of us,

we all know who's getting
the job.

Oh! Okay.

Why don't you come with me then
and...

and we'll see who gets it.

Well, if this is what
we're working with,

I think we can hand me
the contract today.

I need a boot.

I think the pitch
for the new motel went well.

If all goes to plan,

we should be able to move
forward even without Stevie.

I want you to know, Johnny,

I am not gonna abandon you
like she did.

- Stevie didn't abandon us.
- Well, jump ship.

Look, origami!

All right, gentlemen,
I spoke with my manager

and everyone's in agreement

that this proposal
is excellent.

Ah! That sounds good!

Unfortunately, we couldn't
offer the loan at this time.

Sorry, I might've gotten
confused there.

The bank has assessed that
you don't have enough assets

to secure the loan.

I have assets.
I'm invested in the motel.

Which doesn't appear
to be in your name.

That's right, it's in
my partner's name.

So, you're Stevie Budd?

No.
Believe it or not,

that's actually a woman's name.

Look, there must be something
we can do here.

I ran a major business
for 30 years.

Yeah, and look at the way
this guy bounced back

from total financial ruin.

You know, there was a day
when banks

would provide loans
based solely

on their faith in a very solid
business idea.

That's gonna be a tough sell
to my boss.

We don't offer faith-based
loans.

Okay, uh, I did not wanna
play this card,

but... I will.

I am the mayor.
You already mentioned that.

'Kay, did I mention I went
steady with your mom?

Unfortunately, you did.

Okay, then I'm out.
I got nothing.

Honey, you're home!

Yay!

Alexis!

Your father and I are going
to meet for a celebratory lunch

when he's done at the bank,
and...

I was supposed to invite you
to join us.

Yeah, I'm a little busy.

What in God's name do you
have there?

Please tell me it's not
a testudine.

No, it's a turtle.

Alexis!
Turtles do not pets make.

The poor things are riddled
with a myriad of diseases.

You may as well tie a leash
around a raw chicken cutlet.

Relax, they said he's already
been washed.

Say hello to Ted.

Hello, Theodore.
I don't see the computer.

No, I've named the turtle Ted.

All the blogs about successful
long-term relationships

say that the key is creating
shared experiences.

Oh dear.

If your coupling is
too frangible to survive

this brief disunion...

Okay, I am trying my best.

Is this supposed to be making
me feel better?

Oh, very well. Alexis,

if you desire a love
with longevity,

the key is to have as little
in common as possible.

After an award-worthy trilogy
of decades together,

your father and I still
astonish each other.

Although today,
I will but feign surprise

when he tells me
he's secured a hefty loan

to initiate our imminent
connecting departure

from this lengthy layover.

You'll be coming with?

No. I have to give Ted
his pellets,

and then put him down
for a little nap.

Sexy.

Mm! Mm!

Now is this look comfortable
for you, or uncomfortable?

Uh, you dress for the job
you want.

So you wanna be a youth
pastor?

Hi. Wow. While, that joke was
surprisingly sharp,

these are Patrick's clothes.

So, you might wanna tell that
to my fiancé's face.

Mm. "Larry Air,
recent improvements:

all chairs will have tray
tables,

not just first class."

I feel like I'm flying on
the Concorde.

You can leave any time.
I'm fine to do this on my own.

How will I get the job
if I leave now though?

All right, everyone,

If you could please follow me,
we're ready to get started.

Thank you so much.

Well, it is so exciting
to see

how much interest there is
in Larry Air.

Oh, I should mention,
if anyone here is involved

in the class-action lawsuit
against Larry Air,

you are disqualified
from applying.

All right,
why don't we go around,

and I'll have each of you
state your name

and tell us what you consider
your biggest weakness.

Ooh!

Me? Um... Stevie Budd,

and um...

I'd say my biggest weakness
is...

that I'm disorganized.
Ooh, that's true.

- And, um, I'm indecisive.
- Yes.

- Uh... I also...
- Okay.

We just needed one. Next?

Hi. David Rose.

Would we consider loyalty
a weakness?

If not, I'm also really honest.

I'm just gonna put down
chatty.

- Okay.
- Hmph.

Well, she said there was
nothing she could do.

Apparently, I don't have
enough assets.

Yeah, she said apparently

Johnny doesn't have enough
assets.

Yeah, and the problem is,
how do you get assets...

without the loan?

But the the problem is,

how do you get assets
without a loan?

Roland, you're not adding
anything to the sentence,

you're just repeating
what I said.

Anyway, I don't know how long
this will set us back, Moira.

Could be another year or two
before we make any headway.

Oh, surely there's some
penny-wise townsperson

with a hidden rainy-day
reservoir.

Well, you know, uh, I don't
wanna be the town gossip here,

but, uh, the other day,
I got a look at Bob's

financial statement
on his desk in the office,

and that garage is doing great!

Plus, he got plugs last year,
but...

you didn't hear that from me.

You know, come to think
of it,

Gwen has been coming
to rehearsal

- in those fancy yoga clothes.
- Those are not cheap.

I know because I buy
the knockoffs,

and they're not cheap.
Bob...

You know, he was very
interested

in that bagel business
a while ago,

and this is a much stronger
idea.

Roland and I are having
dinner

with Bob and Gwen tonight.

- Bob!
- Hey, folks.

Bob!

Oh, look at you, Robert,

with the hides of a herd
of Holstein on your back.

Yeah.

Sorry, uh, I don't have time
to chat. Uh...

I just had two cups of coffee,

uh, I don't wanna push my luck.

I mean, uh, these pants,

they take like a year
to unlace, so...

Rose's, I hope you like fish,

'cause I think we just reeled
in a big one.

Hey, Alexis. Another green
smoothie, no greens?

Um... yeah,
if you're making one.

No. I'm asking
if you want one.

Okay, Twy, I didn't
like leave anything behind

when I popped by earlier,
did I?

I don't think so, but if you
tell me what you lost,

I can ask George if anyone
turned it in?

No, it's, it's nothing.
It's just a turtle.

- What?
- His name is Ted

and he's gone. And I can't
remember where I put him,

and I thought it was
in the motel,

but he could've like crawled
out of my purse

when I brought him
by the cafe earlier.

Okay.

Turtles are actually kind of
like huge health hazards,

so when did you last see him?

'Kay, it's been weeks.

But between the patchy Wi-Fi

and like the ten-day
nature trips,

and me being alone here,
kind of feels like he left

the day that he flew
to the Galapagos.

The turtle flew
to the Galapagos?

No, Ted the turtle
is missing,

I am now talking about
my boyfriend Ted, Twy.

It'd be great if you could
keep up.

Right. Sorry.

The slowest animal on earth
escaped from me.

That can't not be a bad sign.

My mom had a turtle dove

that was eaten by her
ex-fiancé's snake.

- That was a bad sign.
- Oh my God.

And it happened on
Valentine's Day.

- Mm.
- And her fiancé was a Satanist.

I think you guys are just going
through a tough time.

But... who knows?

Maybe you'll be pleasantly
surprised

by how much closer this brings
the two of you.

And if it makes you feel
any better,

turtles actually thrive
out of captivity.

Thanks, Twy.

Oh, and if you do see Ted like
waddling around in the kitchen,

just feed him a carrot
and shoot me a text.

I hope you're joking.

Me too, girl.
Love you!

- Excuse me.
- Mm?

This baby behind me has been
crying for over an hour now

and I just can't take it
anymore.

You and me both.

I have shushed them thrice
at this point.

Now, here are your options:

I could either move those two
to the back of the plane,

or I could offer you
some complimentary alcohol

to make your flight
a little more bearable.

Okay. Thank you, David.

Thank you, Carol!

- That was a great example...
- Thank you!

...of what not to do.
David just reminded us

of two touchstone policies
here at Larry Air:

no seat changes,

and "complimentary"

is not in our corporate
vocabulary.

But finger snaps for David!

- We don't... sSure.
- We don't... sSure.

Okay, I think it's time
to move on to the final round.

If I call your name,
please stand up.

Rupinder Pimms,
Tracey Mickleson,

Felix Ng, and David Rose.

- Fuck yes!
- I regret to inform you,

you will not be asked
to continue the process.

This is so embarrassing.

I thought you said David Rose.

I did.

Too bad they didn't have
a branzino to de-bone

- because you would've got this.
- Hmm...

Yeah, hi, Carol?
Uh, it's just that some of us

drove some of the other
applicants here,

so it might just be easier

if we all just moved forward
into the next round.

I think it's best
if you wait in the hall.

Okay.

I'll be taking some of these
complimentary peanuts then.

Oh, as I pointed out,

nothing is complimentary
on Larry Air.

I'm taking the peanuts,
Carol!

Okay, moving on...

Well, hopefully,
Gwen will be here soon.

Oh, we don't have to wait
for Gwen.

Oh, I think we do. It uh...

gives us more time to talk.

How often do good friends get
a chance to sit around and, uh,

and talk?
Right!

And, you know, I didn't get
a chance to tell you before,

but that is one snazzy outfit.
I mean...

Somebody... somebody's
got some money to burn.

Take it easy, Roland.

- Well...
- Let's not embarrass the man.

He obviously knows what
his money can do for him.

This is so exciting!

I feel like I'm a Wolf
of Wall Street.

Good... then let's go get
our lamb.

Oh, are we having lamb?

No, just my Sloppy Jocelyns.

Hope you're hungry, Bob.

Speaking of yummy
opportunities.

John, were you able to return
Bill and Melinda's call today

about the hmm hmm-hmm?

Well, you know, Moira,
we're not supposed to be

discussing investment
opportunities at the table,

no matter how lucrative
they might be.

But you know what the Gateses
are like -

Bill and Melinda.

You know, they're expecting
your call about...

the investment.

- Yeah.
- Wow! You know Bill Gates?

Oh, who doesn't?
But you're right, Bob,

why gild their lilies

when there might be someone
right under our noses

looking for a lucrative venture?

Well, I... look, I...

I might as well just come clean:

Gwen's not coming.

Let's eat.

Yeah, she, uh, she left me.

I'm sorry, it's just all this,
all this money talk,

and all I can think about

is how much I spent on
this suit.

Gwen, she told me, you know,

she said, "I like bad boys,"

and now she's holed up
with our minister.

She was bragging about
a religious experience.

Perhaps there's an upside
to all this,

fiscally speaking.
Hmm!

Oh no, no.

Listen, uh, Johnny,
I, I hate to ask,

but, uh, you just seem to have

so many, uh, high-profile
friends.

Do you think one of them
might be open to...

cutting me a loan?

See, Gwen and Parson Jim,
they're...

they're after the house.

Mm.

So, are you just never gonna
talk to me ever again?

I asked you to roll up
the window in the car.

The highway smelled like manure.

Okay. It just seems like
you're upset.

Not upset.

Just didn't feel like talking
in the car. So.

Okay.

Did Carol embarrass herself

by sending me away
in front of everybody?

Absolutely.

Was the entire group shocked
by that decision?

Seemed like it based on
some people's faces.

Now ask me if I care.

- Do you care...
- Don't care! I don't care!

You are such a sore loser.

I am not!

I'm not. It's just, do you
really wanna work for a place

that clearly doesn't know
what they're doing?

Oh, well, they really want me
to work for them,

so I have to trust that they
do know what they're doing.

- Okay.
- Admit it.

I'm more qualified than you.

- Fine.
- Admit it.

You're more qualified
than me.

- Thank you!
- Now...

let's see what exciting new
job opportunities await you

in your new career
as an airline hostess.

Give me that! Give it!

I am so embarrassed for you!

Now, I would love to use one
of Larry Air's

"completely private"
new paid toilets.

I don't know why they have
to stress "completely private."

Get out! Get out!

No.

Ugh!

Ted! Dinner's ready!

Ugh!

- Alexis Rose?
- Yes?

Mr. Mullens has arranged
a limo for you.

If you could please come
with me.

How do I know this isn't like
an abduction or something?

It's not an abduction.

You didn't blink.
I believe you.

Um, okay, I'll be out in five.

Good evening, Ms. Rose.

The other member of your party
has already been seated.

♪ I tell myself that I'm... ♪

♪ So lucky ♪

♪ To be loving you ♪

Oh, hi.

Ted! What is this?

Well, I couldn't let
our anniversary go

without a celebration.

Just because we're not in
the same city

doesn't mean that we can't go
on a date.

And you're wearing
the little tie

with your short-sleeved shirt.
My little Galapo-guy.

Yeah, it's actually really
hot here,

so the bottom half is just my
bathing suit and flip-flops.

Ted! More about your
bottom half, please!

Twyla's not standing right
behind you, is she?

Hi, Ted.

Twyla, again,

I can't thank you enough
for making this happen.

Um, I can lock up
if you wanna go, Twy.

Oh, someone has to serve you
dinner.

But don't worry,
I'll stay out of your way.

Alexis, I'm sorry for
dropping the ball on our calls.

I thought that we would have
Wi-Fi on the trip

and we didn't, so...
the rest of the team

just had to listen to me talk
about you for seven days.

In fact, they actually named
the new fly "Alexis."

The fly that mates
with itself?

Yeah, I think the important
thing is that, now,

I have a little Alexis here
with me,

just buzzing around.

I'm just like so happy
to see your face.

Me too.

- ♪ So lucky ♪
- Boop!

- Boop!
- ♪ To be loving you ♪

Okay, John, I'm going to
throw another name at you:

Ronnie. Owns her own business,
no kids.

Clearly doesn't spend any money
on herself.

I appreciate the enthusiasm,
Moira, but uh...

I just got off the phone
with Betty Terkstra.

She sold the place.

No, John!

I'll keep an eye open
for a less pricey property,

but, uh, without Stevie,

I think we're in a bit
of a bind.

Oh, John, hold me.

Good is coming, it has to.

Hello, Johnny!

Look, I appreciate
the gesture, guys,

but, uh, this is not a good
night for champagne.

Oh, speak for yourself, John.

Oh good, you're lying down!
We have big news.

If you're referring to the
bath-time video Gwen posted...

N-no, n-no, it's...
it's not that exciting.

No, um...

Well, we...

- BOUGHT THE MOTEL!
- What?!

Yeah, we took out a second
mortgage on our house.

Yeah. After what went down
at dinner,

Joc and I started talking,
and we figured,

well, if it's good enough
for Bill Gates to invest in,

it's, uh, good enough for us
to invest in.

Roland, we don't actually
know...

I'm, I'm sorry,
I'm, I'm not comprehending.

We...

are buying into the business.

Say hello to your new
business partners.

Oh, well, if that's not cause
for alcohol

I don't know what is.

So, we have the motel?

We sure do.

Now, first order of business,

we need name tags.

I don't believe this!
Roland, we will make this work.

- Yes.
- We'll make it work.

- Thank you. Thank you, Roland.
- All right.

Why is there a turtle
on the floor?

Alexis!