Schitt's Creek (2015–…): Season 6, Episode 2 - The Incident - full transcript

- What is that?
- What's what?

- S-something spilled.
- What?

- Something spilled in the bed.
- Okay, well, clean it up!

No, it's wet.
There's wet in the bed.

- What?
- Yeah.

- Well, what did you spill, David?
- I didn't spill anything!

Well, what...

are you bleeding?
What?! No!

Well, what is it?

Nothing.

- Is it you? What happened?
- Nothing!



Oh my God, David,

did you wet the bed?

No. I have to go.

I have to go.
You're not going anywhere.

- No, I need to leave.
- David,

calm down, okay?
It's fine.

It's not fine!
Nothing about that is fine.

Do we have to file for divorce
if we were never married?

We are not getting divorced...
Yet.

I need to see if I can get the
stain out of my sheets first.

Okay, does that window open?

Because I'm about to jump
out of it!

David, just get in the
shower, I will deal with this.

Just let-let me do that for you.



And I gotta probably get
these sheets in the wash

- sooner than later.
- I will take a shower,

but we must never see
each other again.

Okay, that sounds like
a fair deal.

David, I'm gonna need
the bedspread too, so...

Just...

Okay.

I love you.

I'm glad one of us does!

*SCHITT'S CREEK*
Season 06 Episode 02

*SCHITT'S CREEK*
Episode Title :"The Incident"

Synchronized by srjanapala

Hey. Hmm!

So how was your seventh
shower?

Satisfactory,
thank you so much.

- Listen David, I...
- Yeah, you know what?

Can we just not?

Well, I think
it's important that we do.

- Oh my God!
- Look, things happen.

Yes, things happen!

Things happen
all in your sheets,

and now you need to remake
your little bed,

because I peed in it!

David, there is absolutely
nothing to be ashamed of, okay?

And look, I found this blanket
that I thought I had lost

in the laundry room,

so you've actually done me
a favour.

Mm.

So maybe we can um...

maybe we can take divorce
off the table?

Maybe, but if the tables
were turned,

I can't say I'd be as generous.
Understood.

- What is that noise?
- I don't know.

Maybe the sheets
are a bit stiff.

No, it's like a,
a crinkling sound.

Oh, you're probably just
sitting on the mattress tag.

Is this a mattress protector?
No.

No, no, that's a...

a second sheet that you put on
the mattress,

um, that my mom gave me
when I moved in, so I just...

You put down a plastic sheet?

Well, I don't think
it's a pla... I mean,

it might have like a rubberized
coating,

- but I don't know.
- Oh my God!

Purely coincidental.

Purely coincidental?

Okay, look.

I just wanted you to be
comfortable in case

- it happened again, that's...
- Mhmm, mhmm, mhmm, mhmm.

Come on, David,
it's an expensive mattress!

More expensive than my
dignity?

- I mean, comparable, at least.
- Wow.

- Wow!
- Okay.

- Well...
- No good?

Hey,
I just got off the phone

with the PR people
from Interflix,

they're making the announcement
about the "Crows" movie at noon,

so they've requested that
you do a social media takeover,

but don't worry,
I will handle it.

Takeover?
That sounds hostile.

No, they just want you like,
send out posts

from their account,
but I will do it for you.

- You will?
- Mhmm, trust me.

I've dated enough mid-level
latte art influencers

to know
what the people want.

I'm sorry Alexis,
I only understood

about half of what
you just said.

What exactly is required of me?

Um, just like,
a couple of cute pics,

and funny one-liners.

I see, and you would be
the architect behind

- those funny one-liners?
- Mhmm.

Colour me curious,
what might one

of my humorous quips
sound like to you?

Oh my God,
I don't know yet.

Well, it's just that you
and I have very different

comedic stylings, dear.

I take a slightly
more cerebral approach.

Okay, you were the one
that described social media

as an amusement park for
clinical narcissists so,

- I'm doing you a favour.
- Very well.

Let me see what
you're typing!

"Big news coming soon,
caw caw!"

And a little yellow cartoon...
winking.

You know what would be fun,
Alexis,

let's put a beak on
that winking cartoon.

No, you can't do that.

Let me handle this,
please.

Okay, is it on?
Can they see us?

No, you just press "send."

Alexis, this is exciting!

We have our very own
digital soapbox here!

It reminds me of the
Nickelodeon pilot I did

in which Ashley Tisdale
and I played suffragettes.

- Hm. Mhmm.
- You remember, "You Go, Girl."

- Have you pressed send yet?
- Send.

Okay, great. Now we just
wait three and a half hours,

until people are on their lunch
break,

- and then we post again.
- Okay.

Alexis, they're liking it!

We have five likes!

People are cawing back!

Oh Alexis, I think you and I
might need to purchase...

antibiotics.

I believe
we've just gone viral.

Ohhh!

'Kay.

A 20 minute drive
to another motel.

Mr. Rose,
what are we doing here?

Well, I brought you here,
Stevie, because...

- I think we should buy it.
- Uh.

Yeah, okay.
I'm-I'm not sure about that.

No surprise there, Johnny,

I told you she's not the
visionary you and I are.

Stevie, this is the
inevitable next step

in building the Rosebud Empire.

Okay, but I think maybe
we should talk about it first,

before we just jump
into building the empire.

Well, I know this must be a
little overwhelming right now,

but I thought it was better
for you to...

see the place yourself.

Roland, there are a lot
of cars here today.

I thought you set up
a private showing.

I'm pretty sure I said
private.

Okay, heads up,
this must be the agent.

Smile.

Good morning, are you here
for Benny Terkstra?

Uh, I spoke with somebody
named Betty,

but I was mowing the lawn
at the time,

so your guess is as good
as mine.

Betty is Benny's wife.
Please, follow me.

Huh, Betty and Benny?

What are they, puppets?

It's the Benny and Betty Show!

- Okay, Roland...
- Tu! Tu!

I'm Betty. I'm Benny.
I'm Betty!

Why do I get the feeling
this isn't an open house?

Maybe it's because
of the coffin.

This is a funeral, Roland!

What exactly did the woman
say to you?!

She said the showing
was at nine o'clock.

She may have said viewing.

What the hell, Roland?!

Johnny, language, please!

A man is dead.

David, you know, your tea
has been just sitting here

untouched for about
half an hour,

and you're probably gonna
have to drink something

at some point.
I'm just not that thirsty.

I'm doing inventory.

Okay, you're making
this so much more

- a thing than it needs to be.
- Am I?

Buongiorno, boys!

Oh ho! Say hello at all my new
hashtag "frands."

It's a little word I assembled
to consecrate my fans,

who are also my friends.

Okay, "frands"
doesn't sound nice.

To all of you asking
what is little mercantile

establishment with the almost
gallery-like austerity?

Well, it so happens
it's also owned by my son,

- David Rose, say hi, David.
- Okay,

I would rather not,
thanks.

And his hashtag fiancee,
Patrick.

I don't think you have
to say hashtag

when you're just talking,
Mrs. Rose.

Okay, what are you doing?

You look like the downfall
of society.

Can you please turn that off

while you're in our store,
please?

Very well.

Frands, please keep checking
your phones

for more "Crow" related
intel by me, Moira Rose,

especially you,
"Wine and Cat Gal 74,"

I do hope you stop crying soon.

Caw! Caw! For now.
Muah!

Didn't realize you were
on social media.

Only fleetingly.

And only because the network
requested it.

That's nice.

Hm, it's noticeably
cheerless in here today.

If I didn't know better,

I would suspect a little
trouble in paradise.

David's just having a bit
of a day.

Didn't get a lot of sleep
last night.

Okay, I'm doing fine,
thanks!

David, what's wrong?

Your sleep apnea
hasn't returned, has it?

I thought that was remedied
when you got your new nose.

It was.

Is it night sweats?

You're not eating pepperettes
in bed again!

- No.
- Night terrors?

I don't wanna talk about it!

David, don't tell me you've
had a nighttime oopsie-daisy.

I'm sorry, a what?

I'm leaving.

Okay? And if I don't come back
it's because of you.

Me?

Ooh dear.

David's nocturnal enuresis
used to only happen

when he went to bed
all juiced up

with excited anticipation
about something.

Christmas, birthdays,
the Ides of March.

And now it seems
your impending nuptials

has opened the floodgates.

Oh!

Why am I oddly flattered?

I can't imagine.

Hmm.

Well, I hate to point
this out, Mr. Rose,

but if you weren't in such
a rush to see this place,

we wouldn't be at a funeral.

No, it's what happens

when you leave anything
up to Roland.

We just have to find a window
where we can leave

without anybody seeing us.

Because the last thing we want
to do is offend the woman

that's selling us this place.

Well, assuming
we're actually buying it.

You know what they say,

you can tell the quality
of a motel

by the food they serve
at the owner's funeral.

We're not even supposed
to be here, Roland,

can you put the plate...
Is that egg salad?

Johnny, is it?

- Yes, yes, it is.
- Mrs. Terkstra,

this is Johnny Rose.

I-I'm sorry,
I don't believe we've met.

Um, how did you know my Benny?

Johnny...

Yes well, we were uh,
friends, I mean...

acquaintances,
I would say...

- From the bowling league.
- Uh, you mean curling?

Did-Did you curl with my Benny?

I-you know, more important,

I think we just wanted
to come by

- and pay our respects.
- Mm-hmm.

Because this must be
so difficult for you

dealing with your loss,

and uh... selling the motel.

I'm sorry, I'm still trying
to place you.

I-I don't remember seeing you
at Benny's last bonspiel.

Well, that's because
Johnny here um...

had another bonspiel to go to,

and unfortunately that bonspiel

was way more important
than Benny's bonspiel, so we...

Well, Ro-Roland that...

- we had to go to that bonspiel.
- No, no, no,

- that was I would've been...
- I think I know why you're here.

It might be more appropriate

to have this conversation
outside.

Since I wasn't in the curling
league, can I go home?

No. No.

Say Havarti, girls!

Oh no!

Well, you can't win them all.

Wow, someone's
in a surprisingly good mood,

considering they're
15 minutes late.

- Blame my new internet frands.
- What'd she just say?

Oh, I was dragooned into
taking over the Interflix

social media channels today,

and apparently I'm quite
proficient at it.

I thought you hated
social media.

What did you call it, a um,

a cauldron of self-absorption.

You have an almost unsetting
memory, Twyla.

Now just a quick snap
for my friend,

"Wine and Cat Gal 74,"
and her frands

at the rehabilitation facility.

Fine, but nothing gets posted

without my written approval.

Oh Alexis, wonderful!
I was just about to post.

Will you please do a selfie
of me, and my Jazzigals?

Um, actually, may I speak
with you for a moment?

If Interflix is asking
if I'll extend my takeover,

my answer is,
I'll think about it.

Mm, actually,

I think we might wanna discuss
this matter privately.

Okay, two minutes, gals?
In the meantime,

if you'd like to follow
the Interflix channels...

Oh no, that won't be
necessary.

Okay, who taught you how
to livestream?!

A wonderful teen named
CherryBus,

she lives in Singapore.
Why? Who wants to know?

Okay, well, did she teach you
how to turn it off?

Because you just posted
your entire conversation

with David and Patrick!

No, I distinctly remember
putting down the phone.

But you didn't stop
recording.

So people basically got like,
a whole podcast

about how David's wetting
the bed again.

If I wasn't your publicist,
I would be enjoying

the situation a lot more
than I am.

Which is still like,
quite a lot.

Oh, dear.

Fortunately, David doesn't
subscribe to social media,

so we-we just need
to take it down,

and David will be none
the wiser.

- Okay.
- Hey Moira,

you weren't lying!

You do have
a knack for this.

What are we looking at?

Okay, um, no need
to watch that.

Okay, Twyla, if you haven't
seen it already,

then maybe just once,
but that is it!

Now, I-I'd like to start
from the beginning.

Mrs. Terkstra,
we-we were just...

- I was speaking.
- Yes, you were.

It's becoming very clear
that you people

didn't know
my husband at all.

Well now,
when you say "know" uh...

- Am I still talking?!
- Yes, you were, ma'am.

I can't say I wasn't
expecting you,

I just didn't think you'd
show up at the funeral!

I'm aware that my husband
was not perfect.

I told him that poker ring
was risky,

and I know there were some
shady business dealings

that went on behind
closed doors,

but I had nothing
to do with it!

I'm sorry?

Well, you're the federal
agents I was warned about.

No need to keep up
the act.

Her face has "fed" written
all over it.

Thanks...

Mrs. Terkstra,
we're not feds.

No, there seems to have been
some crossed wires here.

No, we thought we were coming
out to look at the property.

We're from
Rosebud Motel.

Maureen Bud's old place?

That would be the one.

Uh, Aunt Maureen is...
was my aunt.

Oh, for heaven's sakes!

Benny and I used to play bingo
with Maureen.

What a small world!

Johnny and I used to play
bingo with Maureen,

right after curling.
Roland.

Well, it would be a relief
to sell this place

to someone
we know.

Uh, well,
we're not sure yet.

But we can touch base
again next week,

and again, you have our
deepest condolences.

Well, now that you're here,
why don't you come on in,

- and pay your respects to Benny?
- Oh...

Considering you may be taking
over his home.

Yes, yes, yes.
Well, sure.

We can come in,
and pay our respects.

Too bad it's not
an open casket.

I would've loved to say goodbye
to old Benny's face.

We'd be happy to open it
for you.

No, no, closed-closed
is fine.

You sure?

Oh look Alexis,
Patrick's here.

Yep, you asked me
to meet you here.

Hmm.

So what-what-what's goin' on?

And David is bewitching
himself elsewhere?

Yeah, he is uh,
dusting the shelves,

even though I cleaned them
last week,

but hey, whatever it takes
to get him through this.

Priority number one,
get David through this!

Mhmm, mhmm!

Quick "Q," um,

has David taken your phone,
or anything,

or like, looked
at anyone else's phone?

No.

Sorry, somebody wanna tell me
what's goin' on?

Okay, okay...
so, no biggie,

but my mom may have
accidentally posted

your little conversation
from this morning

over social media.

The-the one about...

The oopsie-daisy.
Yes.

But don't worry,
I am involved now,

and I will be taking it down.

It's still up?!

And generating a lot
of traction.

But yes, it's been uh,
we're taking it...

it's being taken down
right now.

So how...
how did this happen?

Right. I was strong-armed

into participating
in social marketing,

and a dear friend of mine
from Singapore,

Miss CherryBus,

suggested I try my hand at
creating a living stream.

Okay, she doesn't know
what she's doing,

and didn't know that
it was recording.

Okay look,
David can never,

ever find out about this.

I am actually afraid that
he will never sleep again.

Precisely why we're involving
you in this covert stratagem.

So all we need to do is keep
David off the internet

for like, 24 hours,

or until a celebrity says
something wrong,

which could be any minute.

Okay, I think I can
handle that.

Wonderful!
Crisis averted. Hmm!

Yeah, so you still haven't
taken the post down.

- I'm doing that now.
- Cool.

So I'll just sit here
until that happens.

- It's kind of cute, though.
- Alexis.

Yes.

- Let's take it down.
- Mhmm.

Oh Stevie,

listen, I owe you
an apology for today.

You know, the way I rushed you
into that thing.

On the plus side, we did make
that personal connection,

and I think we might be able
to get a better deal

- than I had thought.
- Okay... "we?"

Unless you have
a better idea,

I know you wanted to talk
this out, so uh...

I'm all ears.

Mr. Rose, what I've been
trying to talk to you about

is more than just
the new motel.

Oh. Well...

what is it, Stevie?

I don't think I'm ready, to...

commit to this business like,

as a whole.

Oh.

Well, that is a bigger
conversation, isn't it?

It's just, doing
"Cabaret" made me feel

like I should push myself,

and so I just wondered...

you know, maybe there's
something more

out there for me.

Well, what are you saying,
you want out?

No! Uh, I don't know,
I just...

I feel like
I'd regret it

if I didn't at least try
to see what's out there.

Well, if that's what you feel

you need to push yourself,
Stevie, I uh...

certainly am not gonna stand
in your way.

Same reason I left the button
factory

when I was a young man.

That, and the fact that
working conditions

weren't exactly safe
for a ten-year-old, but...

that being said,
I'm not going to pretend

that I don't hope
you'll come back.

Either way, I hope you find
what you're looking for.

Mr. Rose...
thank you.

Okay, you know what?
I think...

I should just head home early,

- and think about it.
- Yeah...

or you can think about it
as you finish your shift?

That's fair.

I'm gonna miss
that enthusiasm.

I'm so glad you decided
to stay.

Well, there's literally
no liquid left in my body, so.

- Oh!
- Yeah...

Forgot about this.

Taking that off first
thing tomorrow.

Huh!

I wonder how long my mom
lasted on the internets.

Not long, I don't think.

You know, you were smart
to get off of there.

Mhmm. I was curious to see
what kinds of things

she was posting throughout
the day, though.

- Yeah, nothing of note.
- Hmm.

Um yeah, she really didn't
know how to use it, so.

- Mhmm.
- Hey,

let's talk about something
else.

Sure, um...

what's the thread count
on this plastic?

Okay, would it help
if I were to share

something private and
embarrassing with you?

I might be too tired
for that tonight.

Ha ha!

If we're gonna be married,
I just think it's important

that we be as open and honest
with each other

as we possibly can.

What is this sexy thing?

Okay, I only put this in
when you're not around.

It's my mouthguard.
Oh...

well, there's nothing really
embarrassing about that.

Also, you look very beautiful.

Aw, thank you.

Um, hmm.

How about...

- now?
- My God!

This is my nose thing,

and it just helps me breathe
better.

I have never been more
attracted to you.

Mm, same.

Ooh!

Ronnie's texting me
a link to something?

Okay, put it away, David.
It's bedtime.

Synchronized by srjanapala