Schitt's Creek (2015–…): Season 6, Episode 14 - Happy Ending - full transcript

What happened? Who died?

- Who died?
- Did Patrick die?

No, Patrick didn't die, David.

Then why did you startle
me awake like this?

My mind went straight to some
kind of unthinkable tragedy.

Like something really,
really bad happened.

Oh. Imagine.

Well, the day did
have a slight singultus

- What is she talking about?
- A hiccup.

- What hiccup? Who's hiccuping?

Okay, David, shush for a minute.



There was a big storm last night.

And things got a bit wet.

How wet?

We've been looking into changing venues.

- Oh my God. To where? Bob's Garage?

No, his roof was no match
for the cumulus clouds.

I've woken up in a
"Black Mirror" episode.

This might be a stupid question

because there is like literally
nothing you can do about it,

but why didn't you guys get a tent?

Not helping, Alexis.

Because I wanted the
wood-fired pizza oven

and we couldn't afford both.

Someone has to call the officiant.



He's on his way from Elmdale.

What happened to Fabian?!

He canceled because of the rain.

What kind of adult man
rides a penny-farthing?

He's a haikuist!

Well, David... I-I-I
could easily step in here.

I have a lot to say about...

my son getting married...

Okay.

You can barely get through this
without crying, so that's a no.

A note, I did bring the house down

at Pat Sajak's first wedding.

- Oh my God.
- Johnny: Oh I remember that.

"Can I buy a vow."

I had the studio audience
wrapped around my finger.

Well, there is one problem solved.

So let's leave the rest to me, okay?

We have money now and
the last thing I want

is to leave town with some
cheap-ass, soggy wedding.

- Mhmm.
- Okay.

What if the sun comes
out and everything's fine.

Fuck!

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

- Yep.
- Mhmm.

Where are you going?!

Moira: Somewhere safe.

Okay. We should've gotten a tent.

- I didn't need pizza that badly.
- Wow, let's not get crazy.

No, we should have
gotten married indoors.

You said indoor weddings are tacky.

No. I said most weddings are tacky.

And they often take place indoors.

- Hm. David... we all know how much

the success of this
wedding means to you.

So we are going to make the
absolute best of today, okay?

And regardless of how that happens

or where that happens,
at the end of the day,

I am going to kiss that
worried-looking face of yours

and call you my husband.

And that's the only thing that matters.

Okay,

I just refuse to get married
in Roland's living room.

I have to draw the line somewhere.

Okay. Okay.

Besides those carpets
do not photograph well.

All right, I am heading to the motel

to sort all this out with your Dad.

In the meantime,

I have arranged for a massage
to chill you out a little bit.

So you can just lie down, relax

and not talk until we
have a plan, all right?

How did you book a
massage so last-minute?

Oh no, all this was planned weeks ago.

Just had a hunch you wouldn't
handle stress well today.

Okay, I've been handling
the stress just fine.

You had like three
bagels in half an hour.

- They were a mistake.
- It's all taken care of

and I've told them we
need you calm today.

So just let them do their job. Okay?

Okay. I just feel like
I need to be around for...

Goodbye, David.

Don't neglect the lighting.

Okay. Love you, too.

Love you. Thanks.

"Hello, you.

Are-are we all ready to spin
the wheel of life today?"

Even Vanna White didn't
laugh at that one.

Alexis, have I ever told you

how bewitching you are.

- It's a compliment.
- No. I know. I'm sorry.

I'm just feeling like,
a little emotional today.

Is it David? Did he say
something to upset you?

He can be very cruel, but
it's all fear-based, Dear.

So please don't take it personally.

No, I just realized that
this is like the last time

- that we're all gonna be here.
- No.

- Like this.
- Stop.

Like, soon I won't be able
to just like come in here

and say hey.

No, I think you'll be
surprised at how quickly

you'll appreciate the luxury of privacy.

I remember there was like a whole year

that we just didn't even see each other.

That's not true.

Unless it was the year I booked
that international campaign

for Looky-Loo Binoculars.

I'm just saying...

A part of me feels like...

I'm almost glad that we lost the money.

Well, I'm happy you and your
feeling are so well acquainted.

But you wouldn't be the first hostage

to fall in love with their captor.

I love you very much

Okay. Okay.

And I'm here if you need
any help with your speech.

No, I'm good, but thank you.

Thank you, I needed a
moment of levity today.

- Boop.
- Oh.

Woo!

Okay.

I think you're very good at this,

or the half pill I just took kicked in.

Or both.

Because I am feeling
very calm right now.

Well, that's good,

because your neck is
like a block of granite.

Okay. Are we sure that's not just muscle

Yes.

All right, you answered
that too quickly.

- Relax.
- Mhmm.

Take a deep inhale.

And a big exhale.

Good.

Now do that consistently
for the rest of this massage.

Okay.

- Can I have you flip on your back?
- Sure.

Deep inhale.

Deep breath out.

Ooh.

Okay, team, we only have a few hours,

so we need to act fast.

- It's raining. What's the plan?

Okay. Well, Roland,
you've got some pull here,

we need a venue, and don't say...

Our living room is yours, Johnny.

And we still have some
baby sprinkle decorations

gathering dust.

Oh, as David's Maid-of-Honor,

I'm gonna shut that down on his behalf.

Ray, you don't need
to be documenting this.

I was told to capture the day.

Ray, I don't think this
is a part of the day

that anybody is gonna wanna remember.

Can you say that again for the camera?

I know the florist.

I can see if she can throw
in some extra flowers.

Ronnie, you don't seem to
realize we don't have the time.

Johnny, when I say I
know the florist, I mean,

I know the florist.

- Oh.
- Yes! Ronnie! That's great!

- Thank you so much.
- I'm doing this for David.

Of course you are.

I can free up the café between
the lunch and dinner rush.

Yeah, I guess we could
use the garage for parking.

We just have to keep a space clear

in case Gwen comes back.

Well, thanks, Bob,

but it's really hard to talk parking

when we don't even know
where we're holding the thing.

Well, the closest place to
there would be the Town Hall.

What about the Town Hall, Johnny?

I mean, David's gonna
have a heart attack,

but it... it could work.

Okay, David. We've managed
to secure a venue for tonight,

and I really don't want to
hear anything but enthusiasm

from you when I tell you.

You are shockingly calm for David Rose

- on his wedding day.
- I am.

So where are we getting married?

- An indoor parking garage?
- Those were all full.

We uh, we managed to get
the Town Hall for the night.

And-and it's dry, and
everybody is chipping in,

and your dad has promised me

that he has everything under control.

- Okay. Fine.
- Are you okay?

I mean, listen,

just because I didn't
have the Town Hall...

on my mood board doesn't
mean we still can't have fun.

And as long as my husband
doesn't stand me up at the altar,

I don't care where we get married.

Wow.

That massage really did a number, huh?

- Uh, yeah. That was the first time

I've ever received a happy ending.

Sorry, what did you just say?

The happy ending that
the masseur gave me.

I've always heard of things like that,

but I've never actually gotten one.

Did you have to pay extra for that?

I didn't pay for a happy
ending! I paid for a massage!

He gave you a happy
ending?! On our wedding day?!

I thought you wanted that?!

See, this is what Ray should be filming.

Why... would I want you
to get a happy ending

from a stranger on
our wedding day, David?

You tell me!

Because I was stressed out!

And you told me that you
wanted to de-stress me.

I just assumed you knew
what you were paying for!

I was both shocked and impressed!

Oh...

Okay, but to be clear, you
didn't stop it from happening?

Okay, Marcia Clark?
Court's adjourned for the day.

This is unbelievable.

At no point was that ever discussed.

All I did, was leave
an envelope full of cash

and a note that said to
take very good care of you.

And now that I've said
those words out loud,

I can see how a certain kind of person

would interpret that the wrong way.

Okay, but was it good at least?

- Do not answer that. Was it? Don't.

Okay.

I think Stevie and I should
probably go get ready.

Leave you to put your little suit on.

- Mhmm.
- Okay?

Nothing compares to you.

My... husband-to-be.

I love you.

This is gonna make for a
very strange story one day.

Oh yeah, absolutely.

Okay. We will meet you at Town Hall.

- Mhmm.
- Okay?

Oh my God.

Ah, everybody,

I'd like to thank you
all for coming out today,

and uh helping to save
David and Patrick's big day.

And on a personal note,

I'd like to thank you all...
for helping to save my family

over these past few years.

I don't think we could
have gotten through

without you all...

Jocelyn, I thought Ronnie's
in charge of the flowers.

Well, yeah, but you
can never have enough.

And you said to spare no expense so.

I did. I didn't think we'd be
taking is it quite so literally.

I mean, I think we've
gotta rein this in a bit.

Oh Johnny, come on.
Just enjoy it, okay?

You're gonna be gone soon.

You're gonna miss this place.

I will be back, Roland.
My son still lives here.

No, I know there is that,

but... you are gonna be gone gone soon.

Something can fall from
the ceiling and just go

Bffggghhh! I'm dead!

Okay.

- Not me though, I'm prepared.
- All right.

Okay, everybody, back to work!

***

- Yes!
- Oh!

Oh my God! You're getting married today!

I am. And according to
the wedding schedule,

you're supposed to be
dressed and ready to greet me.

Greet you?

- What is that?
- Thank you, David.

You look very expensive
and gorgeous too.

It's-it's white. You're
wearing a white dress.

Duh. It's black and white themed.

What was I supposed to show up in pink?

Or black! You're wearing a wedding dress

- to my wedding!
- This is not a wedding dress.

It's a white, floor-length gown.

- It's very different.
- Did it come with a veil?

- No. It came with a headdress.
- A what?

It came with like a
white, tulle, headdress,

but I thought it overwhelmed the dress

so I decided not to wear it.

You're walking me down the
aisle in a wedding dress.

Everyone is gonna think we're
getting married to each other.

Ugh! Come in.

- You look nice.
- Thank you.

Now, Stevie, as my Maid-of-Honor,

does it not look like Alexis
is wearing a wedding dress?

Or just like a dress
that happens to be white?

I don't wanna get involved.

You don't have a choice.
You work for me today.

So much for the massage.

I mean,

I don't think it's gonna
look like a wedding dress

unless you guys are
standing next to each other.

She's walking me down the aisle!

I don't think you should worry about it.

I'm sure this town has
seen far weirder things.

Okay. Everybody chill.

My brother is getting married today.

Still feels so weird to say that,

so drink up, David.

It's your big day. And we love you.

- Right, Stevie?
- Right?

Hm.

- Is that a bow in the back?
- Don't, David.

♪

♪

♪ Ohhhh, I was so lost ♪

♪ Didn't know what
to do with myself ♪

♪ I was my own worst enemy

♪ I was lost, oh I needed help ♪

♪ Then you came along

♪ And saw the state I was in

♪ You picked me up when I was down ♪

♪ Showed me how to live again

♪ This is precious
love, precious love ♪

♪ No I can't let it go

♪ This is precious love,
and it's teaching me ♪

♪ Everything I need to know

♪ This is love, love

♪ Love, love, love

♪ Precious love (Yes)

♪ Love, love, love, love

♪ Love, precious love

♪ Oooohhhhhh

Okay, can you please stop doing that?

- You're making me nervous.
- I'm sorry.

I've just like, I've been
thinking a lot about it,

and I think you're right.

I know. About what?

Like I think I'm
wearing a wedding dress.

- Oh, I know that.
- I really wanted to impress you today.

And now I feel like I'm
ruining your wedding.

I think you're giving
yourself a lot of credit.

My wedding was already ruined.

But for what it's worth,

I am continuously impressed by you.

Now can you please
walk me down the aisle

before people lose interest?

Hey David,

- it would be my honor.
- Okay.

- Hey, I love you.
- Hm.

♪ Take my heart and
make it stronger ♪

♪ You're simply the best ♪

♪ Ohhh-ooooohh-ohhh ♪

♪ Better than all the rest ♪

♪ Ohhh-ooooohh-ohhh ♪

♪ Better than anyone ♪

♪ Ohhh-ooooohh-ohhh ♪

♪ Anyone I ever met ♪

Is it me, or do they look
like husband and wife?

- ♪ I'm stuck on your heart ♪
- Kind of.

♪ I hang on every word you say ♪

♪ Ohhh-ooooohh-ohhh ♪

♪ Tear us apart ♪

♪ Ohhh-ooooohh-ohhh ♪

♪ Baby, I would rather be dead ♪

♪ You're simply the best ♪

♪ Tam, tam ♪

♪ Ooooohhhh ♪

- ♪ You're simply the best ♪
- ♪ Ooooohhh ♪

Good...

Good evening, everyone,

welcome to the marriage of
Patrick Brewer and David...

David Rose.

We are gathered here today

to celebrate the love
between two people,

whose lives were
ostensibly brought together

by the fated flap of a butterfly wing.

It is all but impossible to explain

why things happen the way they do.

Our lives are like little bébé crows,

carried upon a curious wind.

And all we can wish, for our families,

for those we love,

is that that wind

will eventually places
us on solid ground.

And I believe it's done
just that for my family here.

In this little town.

In the middle of nowhere.

Okay. I think we're good.

Okay.

And now I will ask David Rose

- and Patrick...
- Brewer.

Brewer.

To exchange their vows.

David.

I can't believe this is happening.

I'm gonna keep this very short

because I think you already know

that I would climb a
thousand mountains for you.

So I'll just say this:

you will always... be a part of me.

♪ And I'm part of you indefinitely ♪

♪ Boy don't you know
you can't escape me ♪

♪ 'Cause you know you'll
always be my baby ♪

♪ And we'll linger on

♪ Time can't erase a
feeling this strong ♪

♪ No way you're
never gonna shake me ♪

♪ Ooh darling 'cause
you'll always be my baby ♪

David?

Ugh, yes.

Patrick...

I've never liked a smile
as much as I like yours.

I've never felt as safe

as I do when I'm with you.

I've never known love,

like I have when we're together.

It's not been an easy road for me.

But... knowing that you will
always be there for me

at the end of it, makes everything okay.

Patrick Brewer,

you are my happy ending.

Patrick,

do you take David

to be your lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

And David.

David. Do you take Patrick

to be your lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

I now pronounce you husband and husband.

You may kiss each other.

Wooo!

Well, you did such a
great job, sweetheart.

I don't know how you do it.

Oh, someone has to hold it together?

There's a time and
place for sentimentality,

and your only son's wedding
day is hardly the moment.

Moira!

- It's 6:00 A.M., John.
I'm moving as fast as I can.

Hmm.

Well, I guess this is it.

You know after our goodbyes last night

Roland mentioned a going away gift,

I guess he forgot.

I personally would not have missed this

for the whole wide world.

David: Okay. You're only saying that

'cause you haven't gone to bed yet.

I'm going to miss
you, Mr. and Mrs. Rose.

- Oh.
- Thank you, Stevie,

that's awfully sweet.

Yes, just as sweet as the liqueur

wafting off your breath.

I also didn't go to bed last night.

You take care of the place, Stevie.

And uh, if you get the chance,

Room 7 needs a turndown.

Okay.

Well, safe travels, Mr. and Mrs. Rose.

David and I can't wait
to host you at our place

when you come back to visit.

Oh, thank you, Patrick.

Oh, the couriers are coming
for the bulk of the luggage.

- Yeah, today. Yes.
- This afternoon.

Okay. Make sure the
girls are shipped in an...

Temperature controlled
cargo container. Aha.

Okay. Bye, kids.

Okay. Bye.

I love you!

Love you.

- Okay.
- Love You!

- Bye, son.
- I'll see you soon.

I'm so proud of us. I'm so proud.

- Bye, Honey.
- Bye, Dad.

- I love you!
- I love you too.

Moira: We love you!

Love you.

Johnny: Wait! Stop the car!

What is it?

Just wanted one last look.

Driver, we're ready.