Schitt's Creek (2015–…): Season 6, Episode 12 - The Pitch - full transcript

(Bird chirps)

- 8:15. Roland
still isn't here yet.

You know if we're a half
hour late for this pitch meeting

we'll be laughed
out of the room.

- Mr. Rose, you're
stressing me out.

And I just chugged
a bottle of CBD oil.

- Patrick and I will need to
get to the store at some point.

- David, your father and Stevie

can use all the
help they could get.

- Help?
- I said support, dear.

- Listen, I think it's
a very good sign,



that they've sent a jet.
- There is a jet?

Can I come?
- I already asked.

- I'll swap out with someone.

- Stevie, you're gonna be great.

(Honking) Okay. Here we go.

Here we go. Stevie, let's move.

- Okay, Stevie.

Make sure they feed him
lots of booze on the fight.

- Johnny, woo!
Look at me. I'm you.

(Laughs)

I can't believe
your suit fits me,

we're completely
different sizes.

And I have a much
more athletic build.

- (Claps)



- He looks the same
age as the day I met him.

- Oh, I'm sure he's just as
handsome as he's ever been.

- Boys, this time
tomorrow your store

may be the official
supplier of Rosebud Motels

across the continent.

- I have nothing but
confidence, Mr. Rose.

- Rollie, there's
mints in your pocket,

there was a lot of
onions in the omelette.

(Engine turns, door shuts)
- Goodbye, my conquistadors!

We are all relying on you...

No! We're cheering you on!

- Just wave. Just wave.
- All right.

- Yay!
- Woo!

(Tires crunch) (Cheering)

Woo! Woo! (Clapping)

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

(Cars honking)

♪♪♪

(Sirens in the distance)

(Nervous tapping)

- Can we maybe stop
with the drum circle?

Just-I'm just not feeling great.

Are private planes
always that bumpy?

- Sorry, Stevie, just a bit
anxious to get this started.

I believe in this team.

And we have an idea here
that could be a nice little jewel

in the Advantage Capitol
Association portfolio.

Agree?
- Agree.

- Sure.

- Mr. Rose. Ruth Clancy.
I'm Mike Morrison's assistant.

It's an honour to meet you.

- Well, hi Ruth,
just call me Johnny.

- Uh, do you know if there
is water where we're going?

'Cause I just got a
sudden case of dry mouth.

- There's water waiting
for you in the boardroom.

- Right.

- Johnny, Mike has
been singing your praises

ever since you
reached out to him.

He's devastated he couldn't
be here for the meeting.

- What?

- Yeah, unfortunately, he
had to board a flight last night

to Johannesburg,
but he sends his best.

- Um, we can always
wait 'til he gets back.

- He's there for a week.

On a personal note,

my parents used to
take me to Rose Video

all the time when I was a kid.
- Oh.

- I always loved the
free popcorn. Nice touch.

- Well, thank you, Ruth.
It's always important

to make the experience
more personalized.

- I couldn't agree more.

Hi. Ruth.
- (Nervously) Stevie.

I like your offices.

Office.
- Thank you.

Right this way. I'll show
you to the boardroom.

- Okay.
- Hey does anybody want a mint

before we go up
to the boardroom?

I'm looking at you, Johnny.

- I'm good, Roland.
- Uh...

there you go.

- Um... what are you doing?

- Oh, just some
light reorganization.

- Okay, because it
looks like you're packing.

- You see a few cherished
items being neatly folded

into a piece of luggage

and you immediately
leap to conclusions.

- So you're not packing then.

- It's just a precaution.

God forbid I find
myself once again

being forcefully evacuated

and given no time to
do a thorough sweep.

- Who will be forcefully
evacuating you?

- I will, if your father
gets the green light.

- And where will you
be forcefully evacuated?

- Well, the offices
are in New York,

so one can only presume.

- You're moving to New York?
- Hm.

- When were you gonna tell
me? Or you're just gonna like

up and leave in the
middle of the night.

- Alexis, neurosis is not
becoming on a young woman.

- Well, what are
we supposed to do?

You just going like
abandon us here?

- Alexis, let's not count our
poultry before it's incubated,

and depending on
what we acquire,

we might not even have
a guest room available.

- Okay. Well, either way,
the Interflix offices are there

and they told me that
they wanted to talk to me

about continuing
our relationship.

- Felicitations, Alexis.

- Okay, I know this
technically isn't news yet,

but like... this is
really good news.

(Squeals)
- (Laughs)

(Happy squeals)

(Footsteps crunch)

(Door opens)
- (Sighs)

(Door shuts)
- Hi.

What are you doing?
- Working.

What are you doing?
- Um, I'm on a break.

What are you actually doing?

- I am looking up apartment
rentals in New York.

What are you actually doing?

- I forgot my wallet and
keys and phone. Wait.

Why-why are you doing that?

- Um, apparently when
dad signs the deal,

we are moving to New York.

- What? Well, who's
moving to New York?

- Mom and Dad. And me.

- And nobody thought
to include me in this plan?

- I literally just found out,
and I'm telling you right now.

- Okay. Well, this might
be a stupid question,

but what if the deal
doesn't go through?

- Okay. You would have
no way of knowing this,

but usually when
someone sends a jet for you,

it means he's very
interested. Trust me.

And Tiger Woods.

Okay. Also, and don't worry.

I knew you'd get all
panic-y and weird about this,

so I'm looking for a two
bedroom. You're welcome.

- Okay. What if my husband and I

don't wanna share
an apartment with you?

- Oh, David, you try finding
an affordable one-bedroom

in a place that's
not Atlantic City.

- This is a lot of
information to process

on a Tuesday morning.

Like, I'm gonna have to
talk to Patrick about this.

And, what, we move our business?

I mean, New York would
be a good market for it.

Especially if we start
supplying all those other motels.

- Oh my God, David,
look at this one.

It overlooks a park.

I would have my own bathroom.

And oh my God, your
bedroom would have

one of those little beds that
comes down from the wall.

- Okay, we're two people.

We would get the master bedroom.

- But I have a lot of coats.
- I have been looking forward

to seeing Kerry Washington
in that all-female revival

of "12 Angry Men."
- Okay, David,

I'm gonna have to like
bring down to earth for a sec.

There is no way you're
getting tickets for that show.

But I love your enthusiasm.

- Okay. I have to
go back to work.

So why don't I
just talk to Patrick,

and then we should all
regroup at some point

because there is a lot
of what ifs to go through.

Like what if we don't
agree on apartment decor,

or candle fragrance, etc.

- Totally.

- I don't wanna get
too excited about this,

but I will be putting
our names down

for that ticket
lottery to see Kerry

because Elle Fanning is
supposed to be incredible

as the foreman.

- Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
- Oh my God.

(Door opens and shuts)

- This is Mr. Rose
and Associates.

The floor is yours.

- Well, good
afternoon, everyone.

I'd like to say,
long time no see,

but Mike's not here
and we've just met.

(Laughs)

- Well, it's good
to have you here.

I'm Bryce Wilson, this is
my partner, Tripp Campbell.

Say hello to Advantage Capital.

All: Oh hi.

- Hope the jet was
Johnny Rose approved.

- Oh.

- Although I
guess at this point,

coach would be
Johnny Rose approved?

(Both laugh)

- Quite the tumble
you took there, Johnny.

(Falling sound effect)

- Could have happened
to any one of us.

But thank you for
flying us in today.

- Yeah, that was Mike's idea.
- Hm.

- Think he felt bad 'cause he
wasn't gonna be here, you know?

- Maybe we should
get things moving?

(Nervously) Hi.
- Spoken like a true C.O.O.

Now, I'd like to
introduce you to my team.

This is Stevie Budd
and Roland Schitt,

and together we are
Rosebud Motel Group.

- Look, we read the information
packet you sent through.

Buying up local
motels, dusting them off,

and selling it as a
boutique experience. Right?

- That's correct.

So Stevie how do you
feel about walking us

through the projections?

- Okay. So...

(Slide chimes)

you might be
thinking to yourself

these motels are small,
how and why should I...

We invest?

Well, that's a good question.

- I should hope so.
It's why we're all here.

(They laugh)

- Well, here's
why. (Slide chimes)

There are currently over
250,000 motels for sale

across North America.

- Sadly, it's a dying industry,

but not one without potential.

- Now, apply our
reinvigoration model.

Reinvigoration. (Clicking)

Um, should I just
wait until it unfreezes?

- Billion dollar company
and none of us can stop

technology from
cacking out, am I right?

- I'll get in touch with I.T.
- Okay.

- What are you guys
pumpin' in here, pollen?

Do you mind if I have some
of that water there, please.

(Pitcher clanks)
- Jesus.
- Oh gosh!

- Roland! What are you doing?
- What?

- Why don't we take five, huh?
- Okay.

- Don't worry. We'll
get this cleaned up.

- Good.
- I'm sorry, Mr. Rose.

- No, no need to apologize.

I think a quick five
would be a good idea.

Here we go.

Rolland: (Coughs)

(Low hum of chatter)

(Door opens and shuts)

- (Gasp) Oh gals!

You shouldn't have.

Jocelyn, are we now
moonlighting as town crier?

- Oh, no, Moira...
- Cheeky gawpus you.

Yes, it's true.

Our husbands, at my
husband's direction,

are currently in New York City,

vending their business
to the corporate cognizant.

- Oh my gosh.
That's so exciting.

I wonder if they'll go
to the M&Ms store?

- Shall I?

Hence our impending move

to the Big Red Delicious.

- Excuse me?

- Moira, I haven't
said anything yet.

- (Chuckles) Why
the festivities then?

- Grace is moving to Elm Valley.

That's why the cake
says "Goodbye Grace".

- Oh I-I...

I thought you were singling out

one of my notable attributes.

Shh. Okay, we'll just
smooth things over

until Grace arrives.

- I-I'm right here.
- Yes you are!

Grace! Our timorous grinagog.

I think I'll miss
you most of all.

- Moira, are you sure
it isn't a bit premature

to be talking about all of this?

- No, don't you worry,
Jocelyn. Oh, you're kidding.

No, John has decades
on these people.

- Okay. Well, that makes
me feel a little bit better.

I... I got a little concerned

when I got this
text from Rolland,

but obviously I'm
just reading into it so.

- You've received
correspondence?

What am I looking at? A
cartoon head exploding?

- Oh. It looks like three
cartoon heads exploding.

- Well, then they're
blowing people's minds.

What's the concern?

- It's just that usually
when Rollie sends that emoji

it's like his head is exploding.

It's like he's in trouble.

- Yeah. I get a lot of those
texts during council meetings.

- No, listen to me, Jocelyn.

The deal has to happen.
Because it has to.

Because there is no alternative.

Okay?

It's as simple as that.

- You're gripping my
wrist very tightly, Moira.

- Okay. Well, let's just
continue celebrating Grace.

- What?
- I'm Grace.

- I know. But
she's not... you're-

you're not celebrating
enough. No.

(Jingles over door) - I
know. But she's not... you're-

- (Exhales, coughs)

- I don't think you
took long enough.

- Okay, am I holding
a treat for you?

- I don't know, are you?

- No. But you can
share my muffin.

- Seriously. What
took you so long?

- Are you sitting down?

- I mean, I'm-I'm
clearly not. What's up?

- So as we all know,

they are currently in New
York securing the deal.

- They secured the deal?

- They are there talking
to people in New York

about securing the deal.

Anyway, when the
deal goes through

apparently their plan
is to move to New York.

- Wait? Whose
plan? Your parents?

- Yeah. And Alexis.

- You seem awfully excited
for your family to move away?

- We would be moving with them!

- What?

- Yeah. Alexis has already
short-listed apartments for us.

One of them was
featured in season 3

of "Sex and the City".

- Wow.

(Chuckle) Don't-I
don't know what to say.

- I know. It's a lot to process.

I was overwhelmed
at first as well.

- I mean, David,
our business is here.

- Okay. What? You-you
don't wanna go?

- Honestly? I don't know. I...

Like you're just telling me

that you wanna
uproot our entire lives,

and it's just throwing
me for a bit of a loop.

- Okay. Well, you know,
at this point it's just talk.

So there's a good chance that,
that the deal won't go through.

In which case, you know this
was just a big waste of time

and frown lines.

I thought you'd be excited.

Would half a muffin help?

- I'm not sure.

(Receding footsteps)

- Okay. Y-you took it
so that's a good sign.

(Floorboard creaks)

- Look, we can't let this bumpy
start derail why we're here.

And why are we here, Stevie?

- Because we have an idea.

- No. Because we
have a great idea.

And they should be...

- And they should
be lucky to have us.

- Damn right.

- Johnny, sorry to interrupt,

but we're back up and running.

- Oh, great.

Okay. Let's do it.

- So I came in two under par

and that is with half
the course under water.

It was-it ruined the whole trip.

Horrible. (Chuckles)
- What course?

- Ocean Course on Kauai.

- Ah, what hotel?

- We got a villa
at the St. Regis.

- Oh. Very nice. I've stayed
there quite a few times.

- Hm.
- Now let me ask you,

how many of you
have stayed in a motel?

Well, motels are small
hotels without the golf courses

in case you...

- (Chuckles)
- Well, good-good-good.

So you're familiar at least.

Now, when I say "motel",
what comes to mind?

Uh, rundown? Unclean? Unsafe?

- Yeah, that sounds about right.

- Well, that's what
I used to think.

I always saw motels
as a last resort,

a dreaded pit stop.

But I was wrong.

Motels have the potential
of offering a window

into the unique charm

of small town life.

And that's exactly what
the Rosebud Motel Group

plans to do.

Open that window

and revitalize the
classic roadside motel

for a new generation.
(Slide chimes)

Turns out, a couple
of coats of paint

and dusting off some
mid-century furniture

can go a long way.

- That's right.

We've seen a 400%
increase in occupancy

since we started marketing.

And cleaning.

- And if this is what we
can do with one motel,

just imagine what we
can do with 10,000.

I'm not coming to
you for charity here,

I'm coming to you
with an opportunity.

There is value in these motels.

And if you're wondering
how I'm so sure...

(Slide chimes)

My family and I have
been staying in a motel

for the past three years.

And I wouldn't trade our
stay there for anything.

That's how strongly
I believe in this idea.

As Stevie can attest,

if my family can find
peace and comfort

staying at a motel, anyone can.

And I can only wish
that one day soon

you and your families
can experience the love

and simple pleasures

that come with staying
even for one night...

at a Rosebud Motel.

(All in unison) Where every stay

feels like home.

- Thank you for your time.

(Whispers)
- I think that's great.

- (Excited) Mr. Rose,
that was so good.

Did you see their faces?

I mean, I think-I
think they liked it.

- Johnny, even I was impressed,

and I thought you had
blown it for all of us.

(Chuckles)
- Didn't you have a briefcase?

- See this is what happens
when Johnny impresses me.

I get confused and I
forget what I'm doing.

- What was in that
briefcase anyway?

- Nothing. You told
me to look intimidating.

So I brought a briefcase.

I'll go get it. I'll meet
you guys downstairs.

- Mr. Rose, you were so good.

Bryce: (Laughs) First a
video store, now a motel chain.

What? He wants to
reinvent the pager next?

(All laughing)

(Room quiets down)

- (Clears his throat)

- I uh... forgot my briefcase.

- Don't wanna forget
that. (Chuckles)

(Briefcase thuds)

- Do you people know
what it took for Johnny Rose

to come back and do this?

After being away
for all that time?

Shame on you.
Shame on all of you.

Okay. I just realized you
guys are flying us home.

So I apologize for my outburst,

but I don't regret it.

The man's a legend.

(Door opens and shuts)

- Family!

- What's going on?
- Nothing is going on, David.

I'm just worried
about your father.

I don't believe the two of
you were encouraging enough

before he left.

- I made him a card.
- And I said "take care".

- We need to do something.

Send some energy his way.

Hands, children.

- What's going on?

- Perhaps we should kneel.

- Okay. You're scaring me.
- Please.

- Hm.

- (Sighs)

- Ow!
- Ooh.

- Okay, are we praying?

- Don't be ridiculous.

To Whom It May Concern:

There's a man out
there, my husband,

he's out there trying to
build back what we've lost.

And... I'm sorry;
5'10', slow talker...

- Okay. I think they get it.

- It's our turn to
send him abetment.

- It's just that this is
feeling a bit desperate.

- Can we do this
without holding hands?

- No! He's worked so
hard while the rest of us

have just been flailing about.

- I don't think that's accurate.

- Absolutely not the case.
- I implore you...

please forward the following;

John. My macho man.

You don't deserve
another failure.

- Oh.

- Okay. What is happening?

- I don't know,
David, just go with it.

John, we're here for you.

Oh, Alexis your hands
as dry as an autumn leaf.

- Eww.
- Shh.

- Well, I'm just
happy it's over, Stevie.

Those rooms are never easy,

but you were right
there when I needed you.

- Okay, I got my briefcase,

Let's go. Where is the car?

- Well, we still have a
few minutes, Rolland.

We finished early,
the car is not here yet.

I can't wait to pop some
champagne on that plane.

We can finally start
enjoying ourselves.

- Um, Johnny, let's not
jump the gun just yet, okay?

- Mr. Rose.
- Ruth.

Did we forget something else?

- Uh Ruth, we don't
need to be ushered out,

we know where the
door is. Come on, guys.

- I just wanted to come out

and personally thank
you for your pitch.

- Well, you're welcome.

It felt like we really turned
things around in there.

- You certainly
did. But between us,

they won't be moving
forward with the idea.

- How can they
even decide that fast?

- It's okay, Stevie.

- They've turned down
a thousand good ideas.

I was in the room when
they passed on Uber.

- Well...
- (Scoffs)

- I guess, I guess that's it.

- I really shouldn't be
saying this on company soil,

but two of the
junior partners and I

are in the process of
starting our own firm.

We've got the team,
we've secured the capital,

and we're planning on
launching next month,

and this is exactly
the kind of project

we're hoping to get behind.

- Maybe I should wait
to hear from Mike first.

- Johnny, I think you
should listen to her.

Believe me, those
people up there,

they don't deserve to
be in business with you.

- Mr. Rose, I don't know,

I feel like I'm getting
a good vibe from her.

- We would love
to take you for lunch

and hear more
about your proposal.

(Traffic whooshes, cars honk)

- Okay, I hear another
vehicle. Heavier tread.

- Oh my God. They're gonna
get here when they get here.

(Dog barks)

- Is that... could that
be their limousine?

- That's them!

- Oh, your father's insistence
on telling us in person

could so go either way.

This threat of
failure is inhumane.

Jocelyn: No, I
think it's exciting.

It's like "Deal or No Deal",

but with the rest of our lives.

(Doors open and shut)

- (Sighs)

- John! No!

(Alexis squeals happily)

(All laughing, cheering)

(All laughing)

- So you're like a
businesswoman now.

- Damn right I am.

- I sealed the deal.
It was really me.

- Oh my God!
- We did it!

We all did it!

- Champagne! Champagne for all!

- We only have Zampagne.
- Zampagne for all!

- Yes! (Happy laughter)