Schitt's Creek (2015–…): Season 5, Episode 4 - The Dress - full transcript
Johnny: Moira! The water's ice cold!
How long were you in here?!
John, you know my ritual!
Five to ten minutes
to let the water warm,
there's the initial scrub,
followed by the deep conditioner,
which must set for 20 minutes,
and finally, the double rinse cycle.
Well, we can't be doing
that anymore, sweetheart!
Our water bill is
going through the roof!
Yes, painfully aware of our
budgetary constraints, John.
I'm currently reading a
magazine from July, 1987.
Where do you even find these?
Alexis: So I just signed for this,
so does that mean I get to keep it?
- Also, what is it?
- Oh my God, it's here.
- Give it some room, Alexis!
- Give what some room?
What exactly are you getting
shipped from "Harrod's of London?"
Family, I'd like to you
to meet a dear friend
whom I've yet to meet.
Give a warm dobrodosli
to my red carpet gown
for the "Crows" premiere.
Moira, you didn't tell
me they'd set a date
- for the premiere!
- Yes!
I've been told
definitively it will happen,
and I quote, "ideally
sometime this year."
Okay, there must be some mistake here.
This is valued at $3,700.
What?! $3,700?
What designer gave you
that kind of discount?
Sadly, it's not custom
this time around, Alexis.
Mommy had to shop off the rack.
Fortunately, I discovered
something called
- a "promo code."
- This is a reduced price?
Yes. Discount couture,
do you believe it?
I'm surprised she made
it through customs.
I once passed off a mini
horse and three Guinea pigs
as service animals, so
anything is possible.
Perfect a spot of tea for the unveiling.
I was actually just
boiling water for my bath.
Does this mean I should
start thinking about my look
for the premiere?
TBD on the guest list, Alexis,
but I love your enthusiasm.
Box? Box.
David: I'm so glad we're doing this.
We never get to spend
quality time together.
Also, I've been neglecting
my wellness journey,
so the cherry blossoms opening
when we both have time off
is really ticking a lot of boxes for me.
Are you sure the cherry
blossoms are even open now?
I mean, I thought that wasn't
for another couple weeks.
Mm, no, no, I called
the botanical gardens,
and had the girl send me a photo.
I learned the hard way
from my last trip to Japan.
Showed up, no cherry blossoms,
turned right back around,
it was such a waste.
Wow, that's a lot of pressure
to put on cherry blossoms.
Well, why else would we
be driving to Elm Valley?
Ooh!
Why else would we be driving
to Elm Valley, Stevie?
The only other reason
I can think of is that...
Emir might be there.
The hotel reviewer that...
You had the dirty motel sex with?
Well, when you put it that
way it sorta cheapens it,
but yes, he might also be there,
reviewing a hotel.
But not the hotel that we're going to,
because that would be
a crazy coincidence.
Sorry, I knew you wouldn't come
if you thought you were
gonna be a third wheel.
Okay well, sucks for him,
because I only booked
the private garden tour
for two people.
- Okay, I'm just gonna say it.
- Please don't.
I don't think we're gonna go...
- No!
- To the botanical gardens.
Wow! So this is an abduction, then.
I am a single woman
driving way out of town
to meet a guy I don't know very well!
Well...
Once he shows up I'm
sure you can still go
to the botanical gardens!
I'm not going to the
botanical gardens by myself!
What, am I gonna walk around,
and admire the cherry blossoms
alone, like some pervert?!
So if you're gonna meet this guy there,
there where am I staying?
I don't do couches!
I got you a separate room.
A separate room, okay.
So this has all been premeditated, then.
You know what, I hope for your sake,
that they have cherry
blossoms in prison.
Hey Shannon, what's up?
Ted's in his office, you
can just let yourself in.
Yikes.
Okay, thank you.
Hey, I know you're really swamped today,
so I brought you this.
- You can thank me later.
- Oh!
That's decaf, right?
No, that detail
actually slipped my mind,
so maybe I'll just take it.
Oh, almost a sweet
gesture, Alexis, thank you.
You know who's not sweet?
Old Shan out there.
Okay, first of all
Alexis, she's not old,
we went to vet school together.
And she's actually been
really helpful this week.
To you.
I'm just gonna say it,
Ted. Most people are a fan.
So when someone's not,
it's usually on them.
All right, fine, I, I
didn't wanna bring this up,
because it is so not a thing.
But well, when you and I were broken up,
there was... one night
where Shannon and I...
Oh my God! Ted!
We hooked up.
Yes you did, you little smooch monster!
Well, we did a lot more than that.
I'm sorry, should I be jealous?
No! No, no, no, no, no. It
was just a one-time thing.
- Oh, no.
- No, not "oh no,"
No, I stopped it from going any further.
Because I thought we were
just better off as friends.
Beep, beep!
Paging Dr. Casanova J. Heartbreaker.
Anyway, that's probably
why she seems like
she's a little unsure about
where she stands with you.
Well, thank you for
telling me that, Ted.
That makes so much more
sense than her not liking me.
Well, I'm glad that
we could clear that up.
Okay, well, I will
see you for lunch then,
"Doctor".
Yeah, it's funny because
I actually am a doctor.
So am I...
No, you're not. Just-just Ted.
Roland: Hey, Johnny!
Johnny! I have some good
news for you, my friend.
Well, I could use some good news,
I might have to take out
a mortgage on the dress
- my wife just bought.
- Well, uh...
you know that little hot
water problem you're having?
Yeah?
Well, I've come up with
the perfect excuse for you
to buy yourself a brand
new hot water heater!
Still waiting for the good news.
Well, the good news
is that my friend Terry
can replace the whole thing for you.
- Replace it?
- Mhmm.
Well, how much is that gonna cost?
I did a little negotiating with Terry,
and he says you can have it for $4,200.
- $4200?!
- Right.
Unless you want it installed.
Well, of course I want
it installed, Roland!
Okay, well, that's gonna be $5,500.
Okay, you know what?
I can't afford to throw
away money like that.
Oh, come on, this coming from
the guy who was just bragging
about taking out a mortgage
to pay for his wife's dress!
- I wasn't bragging!
- Ohhh...
Moira: Well, hello!
Is it just me, or is there
a faint scent of honeysuckle
in the air?
Yeah, it might be Johnny's aftershave.
I'm-I'm sorry, it is pungent.
And John, I tried to hang up my gown,
and thank God I caught it
before that silly curtain rod
came crashing down!
Don't worry about it,
we'll get you a new one.
As soon we get uh, "El Tightwad" here
to loosen up the purse strings.
John, give this man a raise!
And when dear, did our
room become so moist?
I'm off to get a dehumidifier,
but I will see you at lunch.
Oh, is that him?
- No.
- Okay.
- What about the person...
- David, I would tell you
if I saw him!
Also, that's rude!
Okay, it's just that your
type is very inconsistent.
What time was he supposed
to show up, anyway?
Two hours ago.
And we're sure this is the right hotel?
He's not coming. I'm an idiot.
Well, I guess the good thing
to come out of this abduction
is that if anyone knows
how to crawl out from under
an embarrassing romantic
failure, it's me.
So I say we drop our bags,
go straight to the botanical gardens,
take in some cherry blossoms,
then sleep it off, and
go home fresh tomorrow.
What time was the tour again?
Oh, David, I'm so sorry.
If this wasn't so humiliating for you,
I think I'd be in a
darker headspace right now,
but since it is...
the hotel bar has karaoke,
I say we get several
rounds of polar bear shots,
load up some Mariah,
and I will spend the rest of the night
pretending not to resent you.
Okay.
I'll get the first round.
Oh, you'll be getting every round.
Alexis: Oh my God, Shan! You still here?
Have you not taken lunch?
I've just been pretty busy.
Ugh, same.
Can I get a "hell yeah"
for two hard-working women
in the 21st Century?
Anyway, I think that we both know
that things are a bit off between us,
and I understand why.
Ted told me all about your little...
Mmm! Muah! Muah!
And it's like... not a big deal.
Okay.
Alexis, that's-that's such a relief.
And oh! Honestly, between us,
it was just a drunken one-time thing,
and I told him we'd be
better off as friends.
Oh.
Did you tell him that
after he told you that?
Sorry?
Ted: Alexis. Right on time.
You're telling me, I was
just having a chat with Shan.
Clearing the air about that little trip
you two took to pound town.
- Alexis!
- Whoa!
Okay, let's remember this
is still a place of work.
Look, I don't know about you, Shannon,
but I am so glad we did this.
Had I not talked to her,
I never would've found out
that she called it off.
- Maybe I will go for lunch.
- Well, just, um, one minute.
Again, not that it matters,
you know, but uh, the day after we...
um, we were supposed to meet
up at the 5k for Feral Cats,
and... I never followed up so.
- Oh! Yeah, it totally doesn't matter.
- No.
But I also never followed up.
So when we saw each
other the next weekend
at the opening of Bronwyn's
Exotic Animal Clinic,
I assumed... you'd gotten the hint.
Okay, well, that's what I assumed, so...
Okay, not to interject, but I assumed
that this would play out in
a much more interesting way.
So for the sake of time,
um, I'm just gonna go with
Shannon's version of things.
Shannon, can we get you
anything while we're out?
Uh, I'm not sure that we
actually quite finished
- the conversation.
- Oh, it's okay, Ted.
Because the important thing is,
that Shannon and I had a breakthrough.
Yeah, but I'm just not really
sure where we landed on...
- Mhmm, yeah.
- On the whole...
Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Okay.
When it comes to water heater repairs,
you don't need electrical
experience to check,
or replace the heating elements.
Great.
The only thing you need to do...
is make sure the power is off
before you perform any tests...
Okay, where's the power switch?
I need the power switch,
okay, hold on, hold on.
- Find the circuit breaker...
- Power?
I can't get to the circuit
breaker until-hold on!
Slow... slow-hold on!
Hold-st-stop!
Rewind! How do you rewind?!
Where's the manual?!
Oh Johnny, there you are!
I've been looking all over for you.
Urgent question. Um...
what's our policy on smoke breaks?
- Who's taking a smoke break?
- I am.
- You don't smoke.
- Yeah, I know.
And I don't think I should
be penalized for that.
Roland, I'm kinda busy right
now with the water heater.
Johnny, I don't think kicking
that thing is really gonna help.
LOL.
Okay, I'm trying to
follow the video here,
it says it's for beginners.
Yeah well, I think you
got the right video there.
But don't you think something
like that should be handled
by professionals, Johnny?
Like, maybe... Terry?
Roland, you know something?
There's a lot going on
with the family right now,
and if there's an economical
way for me to deal with this,
without pumping more money into it,
then that's what I'm gonna do!
Johnny, let me tell you something.
That is not the place to cut corners.
Okay? What you need to do is re-examine
your extravagant lifestyle.
What are you talking about?
Well, not all of us can drive
around in an 8 cylinder car.
It's a '78 Lincoln, and
it's all we could afford!
- Right, '78. Vintage.
- Okay!
Roland, do you mind
if I get back to work?!
Yeah, no problem, I've got
to go on my smoke break.
♪ As time goes on...
Wow, for someone who can barely stand,
she sounds good.
How are we feeling?
All things considered,
I'm feeling better.
Good. I'm gonna see if
they have more Mariah,
the first three songs
were just a warm-up.
Oh. Hi.
I'm so sorry.
A student driver rear-ended
me on the way over here,
it was a whole thing. He started crying.
We had to exchange
insurance information.
His mom was there.
You couldn'tve called?
I thought I was stood up.
The student driver has
my phone, and I have his.
We didn't give them back to each other
after we exchanged info.
So if you wanna know what's
on a 16 year old's smartphone,
I could offer you that.
No, thank you.
Yeah, that's probably for the best.
Okay, good news, they have "Fantasy,"
which means that you get
to play Ol' Dirty Bastard.
Oh, are-are you here with someone?
- Uh, no.
- Oh! Ohhh...
Oh um, no.
We just ran into each other at the bar.
Um, long story short, I took
a pottery class with this one.
Oh, uh, I'm Emir.
- Oh, Dane... a. Dana.
- Dana?
Yeah, so I run-I run
the karaoke at the hotel.
- Hmm.
- Yeah.
Uh, Stevie, I know I'm two hours late,
but can I still take you to dinner,
or have I blown it?
Oh, you've blown it.
But I'll still take a free dinner.
- I can work with that, okay.
- Okay.
- Mhmm.
- Okay!
Um, I'm just gonna settle up my tab,
- I'll meet you outside.
- Okay, yeah.
Uh, nice to meet you, Dana.
Yes, thanks.
Why don't you just come with us?
I already made you miss
the botanical gardens.
I can't leave you here.
Okay, honestly, I'm
gonna be really exhausted
after my set anyways, so...
I'll probably just go to bed.
Are you sure?
No, so get outta here
before I change my mind.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
Unnecessary, but...
Keep the mics hot, I'm comin' in!
Moira? We need to talk, sweetheart.
I'm sorry dear, is your mouth moving?
Could you uh, turn off the
dehumidifier for a second?
Because I can't possibly
hear you over the sound
of the dehumidifier!
Oh, just-just turn off...
So, it looks like in
addition to the water heater,
we're gonna have to replace
some of the plumbing.
And the water is so hard,
that Terry said that it's
likely in the next little while
we might also need a new...
water softener.
John, I'm sorry you've
had such a hard day.
- Yeah...
- On the upside,
this gown has exceeded all expectations.
Yeah, well that's good, sweetheart,
that's... that's good.
It's just that um,
you know, with all
these costs piling up,
we might need to take a hard look at uh,
some of our recent uh... purchases.
I told Alexis now is not the time
to expand that home office.
Not with the price of ink today.
Yeah... Moira, look.
The last thing I want to do is uh...
rain on your parade,
but I think for the next little while,
any money coming in should probably...
be for the family.
This dress is for the family.
To remind us that our
futures lie outside this town.
It feels these days
like I'm the only one
who hasn't veered off course.
Well, no one's veering
off course, Moira,
we're all just uh...
taking a different approach.
The ceremonial purchase of the gown
has always been my good luck charm.
Well, from everything you've
told us about this movie,
Moira, it sounds like for
the first time in a long time,
you may not need any luck.
Oh, John! Thank you for that.
And know that you've been heard!
Good.
Ted: You know, Alexis,
I've been thinking about it,
and... I'm really glad
that you and Shannon
were able to get
everything out in the open.
Me too. We're actually
grabbing drinks tomorrow.
Great, yeah, you know, and I-I...
I care way more about that
than any of the details
of how we ended things,
or even whether they were accurate.
It seems like it was just
like a little miscommunication
on your part, is all.
Yeah well, uh, Shannon aside,
I think it's important that I tell you
that there were a few
others before Heather.
And there may have been
a couple of broken hearts along the way.
Whatever you say, Ted.
Yeah... it's actually kinda funny,
because I was just
going through my phone,
you know, to make some
space, and then I came across
this little back and
forth from a while ago.
I believe you, Ted.
You're still Dr. Casanova to me.
Okay, well, the tone of your voice
makes it seem like you don't
believe a word you're saying.
Okay, Ted!
"Dear Melanie."
Melanie? Is this the girl
from the falafel place?
Yeah, I don't think that's relevant.
Ahem. "I've had a lot of
fun hanging out with you,
and I really...
fal-awful saying this over text,
but I'm just not feeling
strongly enough to take
this to the next level. I'm sorry."
Pretty harsh. But it had to be done.
And then um, she wrote...
- Oh, it doesn't matter what she wrote.
- "Cool!" Exclamation mark.
And it looks like you ended
up walking her dog for her?
Well, she seemed really upset.
Listen Ted,
I've gone through enough
heartbreakers for like,
two people's lifetimes.
And I don't want that anymore.
I want you.
And that cute lil' butt.
David and Tammy: ♪ Ohhhh...
Oh! Oh!
Yes, Tammy! Tammy, everybody!
It's Tammy! Yeah!
Stevie, hi!
Oh...
- Hi!
- Hi.
So... Emir asked me if I
wanted to stay the night.
Ohhhh!
That sounds promising.
Yeah. Um, I thought you
were gonna go to bed?
Oh no, I was, but then
Tammy kept buying shots,
and the whole room got behind
me in like, a really big way.
Anyway, I have seven
more songs to finish,
and some new fans who
would be very disappointed
if I don't close the show.
- Oh, Dana! Or is it David?
- Huh?
Listen, I just wanted you
to know that Stevie told me
what you did for her tonight.
You know, giving up your evening,
so that we could have
some time together.
Anyway, it was really
cool of you to do it,
is what I'm saying, and
not just because um...
we get to have a little
sleepover because of it.
So to say thank you, I took
care of your room charges.
Oh my God! Hello!
Um, hi! Can I get another drink then,
to the room, please? Thanks!
I actually just meant
like, your mini-bar.
Oh no, I finished that. Hey, Tam!
You want some zhampagne?!
Yeah, two please, drinks.
Okay, um... what do
you say we get up there,
maybe do a little duet? I feel
like that's the kind of thing
you'd be totally
comfortable with, right?
- Mhmm...
- Yeah, love that.
I think it's best if you guys
just sat down, and watched.
- Oh, okay.
- Next time.
- Yeah. Mhmm.
- Off the hook for now.
Uno, Tammy! I think I'm going
to do this one by myself.
- Oh!
- Thank you so much, though.
- We'll call you back.
- Wow.
See you soon. I would like
to dedicate this one...
to the lovers right over there!
- Okay...
- And, goodnight.
David: The
la-la-lovers... Cue it up!
Okay, are you coming out?
Can you stop yelling, please?!
I had 14 polar bear shots last night.
Moira, do you want us to close our eyes?
Oh my God.
Moira, it's gorgeous.
Wasn't it shown with a veil?
Oh, the veil's on its way.
Well, now that I see
it on you, I understand!
I feel like I'm waiting for the limo
to take us to your
next red carpet event!
Well, sweetheart, if that's...
if that's the dress
you want, then, uh...
It is. But you're right,
John, it's not the time.
So before I send her back,
take a mental picture.
And perhaps an actual picture as well?
- Anyone have a camera?
- Oh.
- Yes, yes.
- Oh yes.
- Gimme like, a mm!
- Mm!
Like, arm.
- Oh!
- Okay.
Yeah, got it?
Okay, that's it.
And if all goes to plan, we'll
meet again on the red carpet.
Ideally, sometime this year.
And those are the
shoes we're going with?
- What do you think?
- No.
Shoes, later. As well as jewels.
What?!
How long were you in here?!
John, you know my ritual!
Five to ten minutes
to let the water warm,
there's the initial scrub,
followed by the deep conditioner,
which must set for 20 minutes,
and finally, the double rinse cycle.
Well, we can't be doing
that anymore, sweetheart!
Our water bill is
going through the roof!
Yes, painfully aware of our
budgetary constraints, John.
I'm currently reading a
magazine from July, 1987.
Where do you even find these?
Alexis: So I just signed for this,
so does that mean I get to keep it?
- Also, what is it?
- Oh my God, it's here.
- Give it some room, Alexis!
- Give what some room?
What exactly are you getting
shipped from "Harrod's of London?"
Family, I'd like to you
to meet a dear friend
whom I've yet to meet.
Give a warm dobrodosli
to my red carpet gown
for the "Crows" premiere.
Moira, you didn't tell
me they'd set a date
- for the premiere!
- Yes!
I've been told
definitively it will happen,
and I quote, "ideally
sometime this year."
Okay, there must be some mistake here.
This is valued at $3,700.
What?! $3,700?
What designer gave you
that kind of discount?
Sadly, it's not custom
this time around, Alexis.
Mommy had to shop off the rack.
Fortunately, I discovered
something called
- a "promo code."
- This is a reduced price?
Yes. Discount couture,
do you believe it?
I'm surprised she made
it through customs.
I once passed off a mini
horse and three Guinea pigs
as service animals, so
anything is possible.
Perfect a spot of tea for the unveiling.
I was actually just
boiling water for my bath.
Does this mean I should
start thinking about my look
for the premiere?
TBD on the guest list, Alexis,
but I love your enthusiasm.
Box? Box.
David: I'm so glad we're doing this.
We never get to spend
quality time together.
Also, I've been neglecting
my wellness journey,
so the cherry blossoms opening
when we both have time off
is really ticking a lot of boxes for me.
Are you sure the cherry
blossoms are even open now?
I mean, I thought that wasn't
for another couple weeks.
Mm, no, no, I called
the botanical gardens,
and had the girl send me a photo.
I learned the hard way
from my last trip to Japan.
Showed up, no cherry blossoms,
turned right back around,
it was such a waste.
Wow, that's a lot of pressure
to put on cherry blossoms.
Well, why else would we
be driving to Elm Valley?
Ooh!
Why else would we be driving
to Elm Valley, Stevie?
The only other reason
I can think of is that...
Emir might be there.
The hotel reviewer that...
You had the dirty motel sex with?
Well, when you put it that
way it sorta cheapens it,
but yes, he might also be there,
reviewing a hotel.
But not the hotel that we're going to,
because that would be
a crazy coincidence.
Sorry, I knew you wouldn't come
if you thought you were
gonna be a third wheel.
Okay well, sucks for him,
because I only booked
the private garden tour
for two people.
- Okay, I'm just gonna say it.
- Please don't.
I don't think we're gonna go...
- No!
- To the botanical gardens.
Wow! So this is an abduction, then.
I am a single woman
driving way out of town
to meet a guy I don't know very well!
Well...
Once he shows up I'm
sure you can still go
to the botanical gardens!
I'm not going to the
botanical gardens by myself!
What, am I gonna walk around,
and admire the cherry blossoms
alone, like some pervert?!
So if you're gonna meet this guy there,
there where am I staying?
I don't do couches!
I got you a separate room.
A separate room, okay.
So this has all been premeditated, then.
You know what, I hope for your sake,
that they have cherry
blossoms in prison.
Hey Shannon, what's up?
Ted's in his office, you
can just let yourself in.
Yikes.
Okay, thank you.
Hey, I know you're really swamped today,
so I brought you this.
- You can thank me later.
- Oh!
That's decaf, right?
No, that detail
actually slipped my mind,
so maybe I'll just take it.
Oh, almost a sweet
gesture, Alexis, thank you.
You know who's not sweet?
Old Shan out there.
Okay, first of all
Alexis, she's not old,
we went to vet school together.
And she's actually been
really helpful this week.
To you.
I'm just gonna say it,
Ted. Most people are a fan.
So when someone's not,
it's usually on them.
All right, fine, I, I
didn't wanna bring this up,
because it is so not a thing.
But well, when you and I were broken up,
there was... one night
where Shannon and I...
Oh my God! Ted!
We hooked up.
Yes you did, you little smooch monster!
Well, we did a lot more than that.
I'm sorry, should I be jealous?
No! No, no, no, no, no. It
was just a one-time thing.
- Oh, no.
- No, not "oh no,"
No, I stopped it from going any further.
Because I thought we were
just better off as friends.
Beep, beep!
Paging Dr. Casanova J. Heartbreaker.
Anyway, that's probably
why she seems like
she's a little unsure about
where she stands with you.
Well, thank you for
telling me that, Ted.
That makes so much more
sense than her not liking me.
Well, I'm glad that
we could clear that up.
Okay, well, I will
see you for lunch then,
"Doctor".
Yeah, it's funny because
I actually am a doctor.
So am I...
No, you're not. Just-just Ted.
Roland: Hey, Johnny!
Johnny! I have some good
news for you, my friend.
Well, I could use some good news,
I might have to take out
a mortgage on the dress
- my wife just bought.
- Well, uh...
you know that little hot
water problem you're having?
Yeah?
Well, I've come up with
the perfect excuse for you
to buy yourself a brand
new hot water heater!
Still waiting for the good news.
Well, the good news
is that my friend Terry
can replace the whole thing for you.
- Replace it?
- Mhmm.
Well, how much is that gonna cost?
I did a little negotiating with Terry,
and he says you can have it for $4,200.
- $4200?!
- Right.
Unless you want it installed.
Well, of course I want
it installed, Roland!
Okay, well, that's gonna be $5,500.
Okay, you know what?
I can't afford to throw
away money like that.
Oh, come on, this coming from
the guy who was just bragging
about taking out a mortgage
to pay for his wife's dress!
- I wasn't bragging!
- Ohhh...
Moira: Well, hello!
Is it just me, or is there
a faint scent of honeysuckle
in the air?
Yeah, it might be Johnny's aftershave.
I'm-I'm sorry, it is pungent.
And John, I tried to hang up my gown,
and thank God I caught it
before that silly curtain rod
came crashing down!
Don't worry about it,
we'll get you a new one.
As soon we get uh, "El Tightwad" here
to loosen up the purse strings.
John, give this man a raise!
And when dear, did our
room become so moist?
I'm off to get a dehumidifier,
but I will see you at lunch.
Oh, is that him?
- No.
- Okay.
- What about the person...
- David, I would tell you
if I saw him!
Also, that's rude!
Okay, it's just that your
type is very inconsistent.
What time was he supposed
to show up, anyway?
Two hours ago.
And we're sure this is the right hotel?
He's not coming. I'm an idiot.
Well, I guess the good thing
to come out of this abduction
is that if anyone knows
how to crawl out from under
an embarrassing romantic
failure, it's me.
So I say we drop our bags,
go straight to the botanical gardens,
take in some cherry blossoms,
then sleep it off, and
go home fresh tomorrow.
What time was the tour again?
Oh, David, I'm so sorry.
If this wasn't so humiliating for you,
I think I'd be in a
darker headspace right now,
but since it is...
the hotel bar has karaoke,
I say we get several
rounds of polar bear shots,
load up some Mariah,
and I will spend the rest of the night
pretending not to resent you.
Okay.
I'll get the first round.
Oh, you'll be getting every round.
Alexis: Oh my God, Shan! You still here?
Have you not taken lunch?
I've just been pretty busy.
Ugh, same.
Can I get a "hell yeah"
for two hard-working women
in the 21st Century?
Anyway, I think that we both know
that things are a bit off between us,
and I understand why.
Ted told me all about your little...
Mmm! Muah! Muah!
And it's like... not a big deal.
Okay.
Alexis, that's-that's such a relief.
And oh! Honestly, between us,
it was just a drunken one-time thing,
and I told him we'd be
better off as friends.
Oh.
Did you tell him that
after he told you that?
Sorry?
Ted: Alexis. Right on time.
You're telling me, I was
just having a chat with Shan.
Clearing the air about that little trip
you two took to pound town.
- Alexis!
- Whoa!
Okay, let's remember this
is still a place of work.
Look, I don't know about you, Shannon,
but I am so glad we did this.
Had I not talked to her,
I never would've found out
that she called it off.
- Maybe I will go for lunch.
- Well, just, um, one minute.
Again, not that it matters,
you know, but uh, the day after we...
um, we were supposed to meet
up at the 5k for Feral Cats,
and... I never followed up so.
- Oh! Yeah, it totally doesn't matter.
- No.
But I also never followed up.
So when we saw each
other the next weekend
at the opening of Bronwyn's
Exotic Animal Clinic,
I assumed... you'd gotten the hint.
Okay, well, that's what I assumed, so...
Okay, not to interject, but I assumed
that this would play out in
a much more interesting way.
So for the sake of time,
um, I'm just gonna go with
Shannon's version of things.
Shannon, can we get you
anything while we're out?
Uh, I'm not sure that we
actually quite finished
- the conversation.
- Oh, it's okay, Ted.
Because the important thing is,
that Shannon and I had a breakthrough.
Yeah, but I'm just not really
sure where we landed on...
- Mhmm, yeah.
- On the whole...
Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Okay.
When it comes to water heater repairs,
you don't need electrical
experience to check,
or replace the heating elements.
Great.
The only thing you need to do...
is make sure the power is off
before you perform any tests...
Okay, where's the power switch?
I need the power switch,
okay, hold on, hold on.
- Find the circuit breaker...
- Power?
I can't get to the circuit
breaker until-hold on!
Slow... slow-hold on!
Hold-st-stop!
Rewind! How do you rewind?!
Where's the manual?!
Oh Johnny, there you are!
I've been looking all over for you.
Urgent question. Um...
what's our policy on smoke breaks?
- Who's taking a smoke break?
- I am.
- You don't smoke.
- Yeah, I know.
And I don't think I should
be penalized for that.
Roland, I'm kinda busy right
now with the water heater.
Johnny, I don't think kicking
that thing is really gonna help.
LOL.
Okay, I'm trying to
follow the video here,
it says it's for beginners.
Yeah well, I think you
got the right video there.
But don't you think something
like that should be handled
by professionals, Johnny?
Like, maybe... Terry?
Roland, you know something?
There's a lot going on
with the family right now,
and if there's an economical
way for me to deal with this,
without pumping more money into it,
then that's what I'm gonna do!
Johnny, let me tell you something.
That is not the place to cut corners.
Okay? What you need to do is re-examine
your extravagant lifestyle.
What are you talking about?
Well, not all of us can drive
around in an 8 cylinder car.
It's a '78 Lincoln, and
it's all we could afford!
- Right, '78. Vintage.
- Okay!
Roland, do you mind
if I get back to work?!
Yeah, no problem, I've got
to go on my smoke break.
♪ As time goes on...
Wow, for someone who can barely stand,
she sounds good.
How are we feeling?
All things considered,
I'm feeling better.
Good. I'm gonna see if
they have more Mariah,
the first three songs
were just a warm-up.
Oh. Hi.
I'm so sorry.
A student driver rear-ended
me on the way over here,
it was a whole thing. He started crying.
We had to exchange
insurance information.
His mom was there.
You couldn'tve called?
I thought I was stood up.
The student driver has
my phone, and I have his.
We didn't give them back to each other
after we exchanged info.
So if you wanna know what's
on a 16 year old's smartphone,
I could offer you that.
No, thank you.
Yeah, that's probably for the best.
Okay, good news, they have "Fantasy,"
which means that you get
to play Ol' Dirty Bastard.
Oh, are-are you here with someone?
- Uh, no.
- Oh! Ohhh...
Oh um, no.
We just ran into each other at the bar.
Um, long story short, I took
a pottery class with this one.
Oh, uh, I'm Emir.
- Oh, Dane... a. Dana.
- Dana?
Yeah, so I run-I run
the karaoke at the hotel.
- Hmm.
- Yeah.
Uh, Stevie, I know I'm two hours late,
but can I still take you to dinner,
or have I blown it?
Oh, you've blown it.
But I'll still take a free dinner.
- I can work with that, okay.
- Okay.
- Mhmm.
- Okay!
Um, I'm just gonna settle up my tab,
- I'll meet you outside.
- Okay, yeah.
Uh, nice to meet you, Dana.
Yes, thanks.
Why don't you just come with us?
I already made you miss
the botanical gardens.
I can't leave you here.
Okay, honestly, I'm
gonna be really exhausted
after my set anyways, so...
I'll probably just go to bed.
Are you sure?
No, so get outta here
before I change my mind.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
Unnecessary, but...
Keep the mics hot, I'm comin' in!
Moira? We need to talk, sweetheart.
I'm sorry dear, is your mouth moving?
Could you uh, turn off the
dehumidifier for a second?
Because I can't possibly
hear you over the sound
of the dehumidifier!
Oh, just-just turn off...
So, it looks like in
addition to the water heater,
we're gonna have to replace
some of the plumbing.
And the water is so hard,
that Terry said that it's
likely in the next little while
we might also need a new...
water softener.
John, I'm sorry you've
had such a hard day.
- Yeah...
- On the upside,
this gown has exceeded all expectations.
Yeah, well that's good, sweetheart,
that's... that's good.
It's just that um,
you know, with all
these costs piling up,
we might need to take a hard look at uh,
some of our recent uh... purchases.
I told Alexis now is not the time
to expand that home office.
Not with the price of ink today.
Yeah... Moira, look.
The last thing I want to do is uh...
rain on your parade,
but I think for the next little while,
any money coming in should probably...
be for the family.
This dress is for the family.
To remind us that our
futures lie outside this town.
It feels these days
like I'm the only one
who hasn't veered off course.
Well, no one's veering
off course, Moira,
we're all just uh...
taking a different approach.
The ceremonial purchase of the gown
has always been my good luck charm.
Well, from everything you've
told us about this movie,
Moira, it sounds like for
the first time in a long time,
you may not need any luck.
Oh, John! Thank you for that.
And know that you've been heard!
Good.
Ted: You know, Alexis,
I've been thinking about it,
and... I'm really glad
that you and Shannon
were able to get
everything out in the open.
Me too. We're actually
grabbing drinks tomorrow.
Great, yeah, you know, and I-I...
I care way more about that
than any of the details
of how we ended things,
or even whether they were accurate.
It seems like it was just
like a little miscommunication
on your part, is all.
Yeah well, uh, Shannon aside,
I think it's important that I tell you
that there were a few
others before Heather.
And there may have been
a couple of broken hearts along the way.
Whatever you say, Ted.
Yeah... it's actually kinda funny,
because I was just
going through my phone,
you know, to make some
space, and then I came across
this little back and
forth from a while ago.
I believe you, Ted.
You're still Dr. Casanova to me.
Okay, well, the tone of your voice
makes it seem like you don't
believe a word you're saying.
Okay, Ted!
"Dear Melanie."
Melanie? Is this the girl
from the falafel place?
Yeah, I don't think that's relevant.
Ahem. "I've had a lot of
fun hanging out with you,
and I really...
fal-awful saying this over text,
but I'm just not feeling
strongly enough to take
this to the next level. I'm sorry."
Pretty harsh. But it had to be done.
And then um, she wrote...
- Oh, it doesn't matter what she wrote.
- "Cool!" Exclamation mark.
And it looks like you ended
up walking her dog for her?
Well, she seemed really upset.
Listen Ted,
I've gone through enough
heartbreakers for like,
two people's lifetimes.
And I don't want that anymore.
I want you.
And that cute lil' butt.
David and Tammy: ♪ Ohhhh...
Oh! Oh!
Yes, Tammy! Tammy, everybody!
It's Tammy! Yeah!
Stevie, hi!
Oh...
- Hi!
- Hi.
So... Emir asked me if I
wanted to stay the night.
Ohhhh!
That sounds promising.
Yeah. Um, I thought you
were gonna go to bed?
Oh no, I was, but then
Tammy kept buying shots,
and the whole room got behind
me in like, a really big way.
Anyway, I have seven
more songs to finish,
and some new fans who
would be very disappointed
if I don't close the show.
- Oh, Dana! Or is it David?
- Huh?
Listen, I just wanted you
to know that Stevie told me
what you did for her tonight.
You know, giving up your evening,
so that we could have
some time together.
Anyway, it was really
cool of you to do it,
is what I'm saying, and
not just because um...
we get to have a little
sleepover because of it.
So to say thank you, I took
care of your room charges.
Oh my God! Hello!
Um, hi! Can I get another drink then,
to the room, please? Thanks!
I actually just meant
like, your mini-bar.
Oh no, I finished that. Hey, Tam!
You want some zhampagne?!
Yeah, two please, drinks.
Okay, um... what do
you say we get up there,
maybe do a little duet? I feel
like that's the kind of thing
you'd be totally
comfortable with, right?
- Mhmm...
- Yeah, love that.
I think it's best if you guys
just sat down, and watched.
- Oh, okay.
- Next time.
- Yeah. Mhmm.
- Off the hook for now.
Uno, Tammy! I think I'm going
to do this one by myself.
- Oh!
- Thank you so much, though.
- We'll call you back.
- Wow.
See you soon. I would like
to dedicate this one...
to the lovers right over there!
- Okay...
- And, goodnight.
David: The
la-la-lovers... Cue it up!
Okay, are you coming out?
Can you stop yelling, please?!
I had 14 polar bear shots last night.
Moira, do you want us to close our eyes?
Oh my God.
Moira, it's gorgeous.
Wasn't it shown with a veil?
Oh, the veil's on its way.
Well, now that I see
it on you, I understand!
I feel like I'm waiting for the limo
to take us to your
next red carpet event!
Well, sweetheart, if that's...
if that's the dress
you want, then, uh...
It is. But you're right,
John, it's not the time.
So before I send her back,
take a mental picture.
And perhaps an actual picture as well?
- Anyone have a camera?
- Oh.
- Yes, yes.
- Oh yes.
- Gimme like, a mm!
- Mm!
Like, arm.
- Oh!
- Okay.
Yeah, got it?
Okay, that's it.
And if all goes to plan, we'll
meet again on the red carpet.
Ideally, sometime this year.
And those are the
shoes we're going with?
- What do you think?
- No.
Shoes, later. As well as jewels.
What?!