Schitt's Creek (2015–…): Season 5, Episode 14 - Life is a Cabaret - full transcript
Stevie is nowhere to be found on opening night for Cabaret. David attempts to make a big announcement.
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- Oh my gosh,
is this what marriage is?
- Nope, this is just left over
from the picnic yesterday,
and I didn't wanna waste it so.
Hmm, you could've lied.
- And what are we doing
over here?
- Hmm.
I'm just editing some
of our engagement photos.
- Oh!
- You look great.
I look like I crawled out
from under a bridge.
- Hey, have you given any
more thought to uh,
when you wanna start
telling people?
I'm kinda scared to do it today,
I don't think your mom would
want anything upstaging
opening night of the show.
- Yeah, and I think we need
that added hiccup, so...
- So, tomorrow then?
- Yeah.
I mean, I haven't really
given it that much thought.
- Yeah.
- So...
one other option.
What if, after the show tonight,
we corralled a few people
back to the motel?
You know, we talk about the
show for five to ten minutes,
then maybe dim the lights,
pop some bubbly,
put some music on.
I could stand up
and give a speech.
I'd look to you, you don't need
to give a speech,
but at this point I think
Alexis will be getting misty,
which will send sort
of this intoxicating
ripple effect through the room.
Most people will be sobbing.
And I'll be holding back tears,
but the fact that I'm holding
them back, I think,
will make it all the more
powerful.
And you can be topping up
drinks.
- Great to know you've barely
given this any thought.
I am gonna start the day.
Big show tonight.
- Good luck, honey!
- It's "break a leg".
♪♪♪
- Aah!
- Oh, just checking in
on my little girl,
and see how she's feeling
about everything.
- Okay, she'd be feeling
a lot better
if you weren't checking in
every five minutes.
- Anyway, I just stopped by
to uh...
give you this.
- Thank you. That's very sweet.
- Well, you don't have
to open it now.
No need to open it now,
you can open it later.
Even though the intention
was to...
maybe open it before the show.
- Okay, fine,
I will open it now.
But ever since I told you
I was leaving,
you've been giving me
little things
that just make me feel bad
about it.
- Oh, that's not true, honey.
That's-that not true at all.
- Like this.
- Well, that's a little
something
you can use backstage tonight,
or maybe put it on your bedside
table when you're away.
- You expect me to bring
this with me?!
This frame is like, ten pounds!
- "Break all your legs."
A well-intentioned,
if not slightly misguided
sentiment from the Elmdale
Arts Council.
Alexis, when do you
and Theodore depart
for your equatorial adventure?
- Ted leaves tonight.
I leave in a week.
- Well, that seems like
poor planning.
Why aren't you flying
with him tonight?
- Because I'm in the show.
- Well, Of course you are!
Oh! Well, I have to tell you,
I am impressed!
Alexis, my phone's been ringing
nonstop since 7 a.m.
you certainly engaged the press.
- Thank you.
- If I'm receiving
this kind of buzz
from a boutique theatrical run,
imagine the fanfare
you will drum up when
the "Crows" movie
gets its premiere date.
- What do you mean,
"that I will drum up?"
- Well, after careful
concertation,
and two attempts to get
Lizzie Grubman
to do some pro bono work,
I have decided...
Alexis, I would love you
to do all my publicity!
- Oh my God! What?!
When is this supposed to happen?
- Last I heard, the fall.
- I will be in the Galapagos.
- Well, again, poor planning.
- Well, you just told me
right now!
- Oh, this sounds like
an opportunity, Alexis.
I mean, are you sure
being away this long
is such a good idea?
- Yes!
I'm going to support
my boyfriend,
and hopefully, eat, pray, love,
a bit for myself.
- Yes. Family! Family.
We need to stop and embrace
this precious moment.
And I'm not just saying that
because David's at Patrick's,
and the energy is unusually
light around here.
We are all on the precipice
of greatness.
And we should cherish
these moments,
before everything changes.
Hmm. And I'm still cherishing.
Just...
oh, I do have to take this.
It could be the Elm Grove
Sentinel calling about my...
cover story.
Moira Rose Enterprises,
how may I direct your call?
Well, yes, my assistant
is very busy.
Dad!
- Uh oh.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Who are those for?
- They're for you.
I wanted to wish you luck
for your big show.
You've been stepping very far
outside of your comfort zone,
and I think that takes
a lot of courage.
- I don't think
I've ever heard you use
the word "courage" before.
- Hmm.
- Outside of criticizing
someone's style choices.
What's going on?
- Nothing.
- You're only this happy
when you have gossip,
or there's something
in the news about Oprah.
- There's something
in the news about Oprah.
She got new espadrilles.
- Oh my God, David.
- You have a show to focus on,
we'll celebrate tonight.
- Celebrate what?
- You! The show.
- So, I guess I'll just
see you tonight, then.
Bye.
- Fine.
Patrick proposed,
and I said yes.
- Oh my God! Oh my God, David!
- I know.
- Oh my God!
I'm so happy for you!
Oh! Oh my God!
When did this happen?
- Last night.
- Oh my God!
Ohhh!
- Are you okay?
- Oh! Yes.
I'm happy!
You just caught me off guard.
- See, this is why
I wanted to wait.
- No, I'm glad you told me!
It's just nerves.
About the show.
- Okay.
- Which I should get back
to doing.
Because there's this scene
that I just can't get.
- Well, you are the only
person I've told,
so if we could just keep
this between us
until after the show,
that would be great.
- Got it.
Congratulations, David.
- Thank you.
Yeah, uh, dark hair.
Answers to the name "Stevie".
Um, kind of looks
like a vampire.
A little skittish
when approached.
Um, you know, I don't want
to tell you how to do your job,
but if you have a taser,
you may want to use it.
Okay, yeah, thanks, bye.
- I should've known the risk.
The toll that stage fright
can take on someone
who's not used to the hot sting
of the spotlight.
I was a fool not to let
Gwen understudy.
- What is going on in here?
- Stevie's gone missing,
and I don't wanna be
an optimist here,
but it's not looking good.
- What? What do you mean,
Stevie's gone missing?
- I can't find her anywhere!
I've called her all day,
and Bob saw her crying
at the gas station.
The last thing she said
to your father was,
- What?!
- She had to do something.
- Well, I saw her this morning.
- Huh, well you may have
been the last person
to see her, Dave.
I don't know how you're gonna
feel about this,
but I'm gonna need some
hair samples.
- What happened, David?
Did you say anything that might
have triggered her?
You have that effect on people.
- Uh, she said she was
nervous about the show.
- With but a handful
of hours before curtain?
Any morsel of intel is crucial!
- Fine! Patrick proposed to me
yesterday,
and I may have told her
about it.
- Oh, David!
- Wow, a wedding.
Congratulations, Dave.
- I don't know what to say.
- I know, it was very
overwhelming for me, as well.
- Why could you not have waited
until after the show
to tell people you're engaged?!
- You're engaged?!
- This is not how the
announcement was supposed go!
- Okay, but I'm gonna be away!
Who's gonna plan the wedding?
- Well, I could ask Jocelyn.
She planned her
brother-in-law's funeral
for under a hundred bucks.
- Okay, this is like, the last
thing I needed to hear today!
- When did this become
about you?
- Exactly!
If we don't find Stevie,
a lot of people are going
to be very disappointed!
- I just announced
I'm getting married!
- David, you and your wonderful
Patrick
have years to celebrate!
What a unanimously disastrous
day this is turning out to be!
- Ugh!
- What the fuck?!
- Okay, so I told Stevie
and next thing you know,
she is nowhere to be found.
I just wish this whole
engagement announcement
hadn't gotten so out of control.
I mean, people are coming
up to me
that I haven't even
spoken to yet.
- Gentlemen, major show
drama aside,
I just wanted to say
congratulations
to the future Mister and Mister.
Or is it "Misters?"
- See?
Now Jocelyn,
how did you find out?
- Oh, from Moira.
Maybe Alexis. Possibly Gwen.
- Thanks Jocelyn,
but I'm actually
a little more concerned
about the show at the moment.
- Don't worry,
Moira says she has a plan.
- Oh, does she?
- Oh God, David! No, no, no,
no, David, I'm sorry.
No, just performers backstage
from here on.
- Mrs. Rose, are you-are you
a performer at this point?
- Unfortunately,
I have no choice.
So I'm gonna shimmy off
the rust,
and pray there's still
dazzle within.
Sorry, sorry. Oh.
- Stevie, what the fuck?!
- Mrs. Rose?
- Stevie, thank God you're here!
Okay everybody, vocal warm up
in the Green Room!
- Bye.
- Bye. Good luck.
- Mrs. Rose, I'm sorry.
I had an errand to run,
and I got stuck in traffic
on the way back.
- Yeah, I've been calling you
all day.
- I know, you told me
to block everyone out today,
so I left my phone at home,
which I realize
was a really big mistake.
Oh, were you planning
on taking my place?
- Oh! Just dressed in theme
to support, that's all.
I think I'll um...
I'm going to go see
if Jocelyn uh...
got the humidifier, excuse me.
I just have to check on her.
I just... Jocelyn?
- Okay, I'm sorry!
I should never have told you
before the show.
- Here.
- What is this?
- Patrick asked for my blessing
a few weeks ago,
so I had them made.
It would've been nice
if he told me
when it was happening,
I literally could've picked
these up
any other day this week,
but I will yell at him later.
I assume you two will be moving
in together,
and I won't be there to give
you towels when you need them,
so...
- Thank you.
I appreciate the monogramming,
and the choice of thread colour.
I thought you were upset.
- I was more upset that I had
to drive to Elmdale today.
I also appreciate this
burlesque-y get up.
- Excuse me. You're an almost
married man, now.
- Stevie. I'd ask if you could
hold us up more,
but I'm not a big fan
of rhetorical questions.
- Gotta go.
- Good luck!
Ahhhhh!
- Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi.
- Hey David,
congrats on the news!
Really happy for you guys.
- Okay, you know what,
the funny thing was,
originally I was going to be
the one that told people.
- Told people what?
- Oh, does your Dad not know?
- If we're talking about
Dave's big engagement news,
uh, we haven't decided
on a best man yet,
but we think it's probably
gonna be a black tie affair.
- You're engaged?
- Yeah. Sure.
- Oh, David, that's so exciting!
Oh son, you deserve all
the happiness...
we'll pick this up later.
- Sorry. Alexis made it seem
like everyone knew.
Oh, they do now, yeah.
- Have fun, my darling.
Have fun! You've gestated
long enough beneath my wing.
Now it's time to fly!
- Okay...
- Fly.
Ohhh!
- Oh!
♪♪♪
- Meine damen und herren,
Mesdames et Messieurs,
Ladies and Gentlemen!
I am your host.
♪ Willkommen, bienvenue,
welcome! ♪
♪ Fremde, etranger, stranger
Hello, stranger!
♪ Glucklich zu sehen
♪ Je suis enchante
- En chante madame!
♪ Happy to see you
♪ Bleibe, reste, stay
♪ Und sagen
♪ Willkommen, bienvenue,
welcome ♪
- Rah!
♪ Fremde, etranger, stranger
- Ooh!
♪ Glucklich zu sehen
♪ Je suis enchante
♪ Happy to see you
♪ Bleibe, reste, stay
♪ Wir sagen
♪ Willkommen, bienvenue,
welcome ♪
♪ Im Cabaret
♪ Au Cabaret
♪ To Cabaret
♪♪♪
- You wear her well.
- Sorry?
- Magdalena.
The only other time
I've leased one of my girls
is the Halloween when
David was desperate
to be Alanis Morissette.
- Well, glad you think
I'm pulling it off.
- Stevie, I'm so proud of you.
You're really powering
through tonight.
Of course I never doubted you.
- Thank you, but I still
have an act and a half
to prove you wrong.
- Now I suppose David's
announcement
left you a little shaken.
- That's really not it,
Mrs. Rose.
It's just...
I wish I wasn't watching it all
happen from behind the desk.
You know?
It feels like everyone's
growing up all around me.
- You know, before
the "Crows" movie happened,
I too thought there was
no escape from this dark,
troublesome existence that
was my life in this town.
I was as hopelessly crestfallen
as you are right now.
- Uh, I wouldn't say
I'm crest...
- Shhh! Use it.
- I'm sorry?
- Oh, I could so effortlessly
conjure up
the perfect words to bedazzle
your spirits.
That's one of my gifts. But no.
No, you need to be exactly
where you are.
- Okay, are you talking
about me, or Sally?
- Why, Sally, of course.
You I'm not worried about.
What the hell is your secret,
Stevie?
You just stand your solid
ground,
refusing to be anything but you.
Hm. Never thought I'd say this
about anyone in this town,
but you...
you're very, very cool.
And whether you set sail,
or stay put,
that's not going to change.
Now, why don't we take
our Sally by the hand,
and we go out there,
and show those people
everything she can be.
If she were only more like you.
- Oh! Thank you!
♪♪♪
♪♪♪
♪♪♪
♪ Maybe this time
♪ I'll be lucky
♪ Maybe this time
♪ He'll stay
♪ Maybe this time
♪ For the first time
♪ Love
♪ Won't hurry away
♪ He will hold me fast
♪♪♪
♪ I'll be home at last
♪ Not a loser anymore
♪ Like the last time
♪ And the time before
♪ Everybody
♪ They love a winner
♪ So nobody loved me
♪ Lady Peaceful
♪ Lady Happy
♪ That's what I long to be
♪ Well, all the odds are
♪ There in my favour
♪ Something's bound to begin
♪ It's gonna happen
♪ Happen sometime
♪ Maybe this time
♪ Maybe this time
♪ I'll win
- That's my friend!
- Well, you dazzled tonight,
sweetheart.
Thank you.
- Oh, sorry, I don't know why
I thought you were
talking to me.
- Well, it was a huge hit,
the crowd went wild.
I was shocked!
- Shocked?
- Amazed. I was amazed.
- Amazed, yes.
- You're gonna be late
for the airport.
I can't wait to sip pina
coladas with you.
- Again, it's not really
that kind of place,
but yes.
I love you.
- I love you.
- Excuse me everybody, um,
it's time for Ted to...
Galapa-go now.
- Ohhh!
- I love you so much!
Okay, great show everyone, bye.
- Bye.
- Bye, Ted.
- Thank you so much.
- Hi everyone, hi!
I just, first and foremost,
wanna say a big congratulations
to Team Cabaret.
The show was awesome,
you guys were so, so good!
Speaking of love...
- Somebody got engaged!
- Wow.
Speaking of love, um,
I'm so glad that
you're all here,
because Patrick and I have
some very special news.
- You're getting married!
- Jocelyn, I'm the one
on the chair!
Now, two years ago,
I went to fill out some
paperwork
for a business license,
and little did I know,
that I would end up meeting
the love of my...
God!
- Oh, it is me.
Um, I'm sorry, David.
Sorry, it's most likely press.
I-I already know
your engagement news.
- So wait a minute,
he's marrying you?
- Okay, this shouldn't be
so hard!
- Oh my God, just spit
it out, David!
- Oh my God, fine!
I met someone who changed
my life,
and I don't know where
I'd be without him.
So yes, as we all know now,
Patrick and I are engaged.
Ohhh!
No! Nooooo!
- Oh my God!
- Nooooo!
- If it's a bad review, Moira,
I wouldn't trust local critics.
- No.
No, they uh,
they shelved the "Crows" movie.
So it's-it's over.
It's over.
- Nothing to see here, people.
The party's over.
- Okay. Yeah, you can leave
your champagne flutes.
Unless we still wanna do
a toast?
- No.
- Oh, no? Okay. Everyone leave
the champagne flutes,
thank you.
- Oh my gosh,
is this what marriage is?
- Nope, this is just left over
from the picnic yesterday,
and I didn't wanna waste it so.
Hmm, you could've lied.
- And what are we doing
over here?
- Hmm.
I'm just editing some
of our engagement photos.
- Oh!
- You look great.
I look like I crawled out
from under a bridge.
- Hey, have you given any
more thought to uh,
when you wanna start
telling people?
I'm kinda scared to do it today,
I don't think your mom would
want anything upstaging
opening night of the show.
- Yeah, and I think we need
that added hiccup, so...
- So, tomorrow then?
- Yeah.
I mean, I haven't really
given it that much thought.
- Yeah.
- So...
one other option.
What if, after the show tonight,
we corralled a few people
back to the motel?
You know, we talk about the
show for five to ten minutes,
then maybe dim the lights,
pop some bubbly,
put some music on.
I could stand up
and give a speech.
I'd look to you, you don't need
to give a speech,
but at this point I think
Alexis will be getting misty,
which will send sort
of this intoxicating
ripple effect through the room.
Most people will be sobbing.
And I'll be holding back tears,
but the fact that I'm holding
them back, I think,
will make it all the more
powerful.
And you can be topping up
drinks.
- Great to know you've barely
given this any thought.
I am gonna start the day.
Big show tonight.
- Good luck, honey!
- It's "break a leg".
♪♪♪
- Aah!
- Oh, just checking in
on my little girl,
and see how she's feeling
about everything.
- Okay, she'd be feeling
a lot better
if you weren't checking in
every five minutes.
- Anyway, I just stopped by
to uh...
give you this.
- Thank you. That's very sweet.
- Well, you don't have
to open it now.
No need to open it now,
you can open it later.
Even though the intention
was to...
maybe open it before the show.
- Okay, fine,
I will open it now.
But ever since I told you
I was leaving,
you've been giving me
little things
that just make me feel bad
about it.
- Oh, that's not true, honey.
That's-that not true at all.
- Like this.
- Well, that's a little
something
you can use backstage tonight,
or maybe put it on your bedside
table when you're away.
- You expect me to bring
this with me?!
This frame is like, ten pounds!
- "Break all your legs."
A well-intentioned,
if not slightly misguided
sentiment from the Elmdale
Arts Council.
Alexis, when do you
and Theodore depart
for your equatorial adventure?
- Ted leaves tonight.
I leave in a week.
- Well, that seems like
poor planning.
Why aren't you flying
with him tonight?
- Because I'm in the show.
- Well, Of course you are!
Oh! Well, I have to tell you,
I am impressed!
Alexis, my phone's been ringing
nonstop since 7 a.m.
you certainly engaged the press.
- Thank you.
- If I'm receiving
this kind of buzz
from a boutique theatrical run,
imagine the fanfare
you will drum up when
the "Crows" movie
gets its premiere date.
- What do you mean,
"that I will drum up?"
- Well, after careful
concertation,
and two attempts to get
Lizzie Grubman
to do some pro bono work,
I have decided...
Alexis, I would love you
to do all my publicity!
- Oh my God! What?!
When is this supposed to happen?
- Last I heard, the fall.
- I will be in the Galapagos.
- Well, again, poor planning.
- Well, you just told me
right now!
- Oh, this sounds like
an opportunity, Alexis.
I mean, are you sure
being away this long
is such a good idea?
- Yes!
I'm going to support
my boyfriend,
and hopefully, eat, pray, love,
a bit for myself.
- Yes. Family! Family.
We need to stop and embrace
this precious moment.
And I'm not just saying that
because David's at Patrick's,
and the energy is unusually
light around here.
We are all on the precipice
of greatness.
And we should cherish
these moments,
before everything changes.
Hmm. And I'm still cherishing.
Just...
oh, I do have to take this.
It could be the Elm Grove
Sentinel calling about my...
cover story.
Moira Rose Enterprises,
how may I direct your call?
Well, yes, my assistant
is very busy.
Dad!
- Uh oh.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Who are those for?
- They're for you.
I wanted to wish you luck
for your big show.
You've been stepping very far
outside of your comfort zone,
and I think that takes
a lot of courage.
- I don't think
I've ever heard you use
the word "courage" before.
- Hmm.
- Outside of criticizing
someone's style choices.
What's going on?
- Nothing.
- You're only this happy
when you have gossip,
or there's something
in the news about Oprah.
- There's something
in the news about Oprah.
She got new espadrilles.
- Oh my God, David.
- You have a show to focus on,
we'll celebrate tonight.
- Celebrate what?
- You! The show.
- So, I guess I'll just
see you tonight, then.
Bye.
- Fine.
Patrick proposed,
and I said yes.
- Oh my God! Oh my God, David!
- I know.
- Oh my God!
I'm so happy for you!
Oh! Oh my God!
When did this happen?
- Last night.
- Oh my God!
Ohhh!
- Are you okay?
- Oh! Yes.
I'm happy!
You just caught me off guard.
- See, this is why
I wanted to wait.
- No, I'm glad you told me!
It's just nerves.
About the show.
- Okay.
- Which I should get back
to doing.
Because there's this scene
that I just can't get.
- Well, you are the only
person I've told,
so if we could just keep
this between us
until after the show,
that would be great.
- Got it.
Congratulations, David.
- Thank you.
Yeah, uh, dark hair.
Answers to the name "Stevie".
Um, kind of looks
like a vampire.
A little skittish
when approached.
Um, you know, I don't want
to tell you how to do your job,
but if you have a taser,
you may want to use it.
Okay, yeah, thanks, bye.
- I should've known the risk.
The toll that stage fright
can take on someone
who's not used to the hot sting
of the spotlight.
I was a fool not to let
Gwen understudy.
- What is going on in here?
- Stevie's gone missing,
and I don't wanna be
an optimist here,
but it's not looking good.
- What? What do you mean,
Stevie's gone missing?
- I can't find her anywhere!
I've called her all day,
and Bob saw her crying
at the gas station.
The last thing she said
to your father was,
- What?!
- She had to do something.
- Well, I saw her this morning.
- Huh, well you may have
been the last person
to see her, Dave.
I don't know how you're gonna
feel about this,
but I'm gonna need some
hair samples.
- What happened, David?
Did you say anything that might
have triggered her?
You have that effect on people.
- Uh, she said she was
nervous about the show.
- With but a handful
of hours before curtain?
Any morsel of intel is crucial!
- Fine! Patrick proposed to me
yesterday,
and I may have told her
about it.
- Oh, David!
- Wow, a wedding.
Congratulations, Dave.
- I don't know what to say.
- I know, it was very
overwhelming for me, as well.
- Why could you not have waited
until after the show
to tell people you're engaged?!
- You're engaged?!
- This is not how the
announcement was supposed go!
- Okay, but I'm gonna be away!
Who's gonna plan the wedding?
- Well, I could ask Jocelyn.
She planned her
brother-in-law's funeral
for under a hundred bucks.
- Okay, this is like, the last
thing I needed to hear today!
- When did this become
about you?
- Exactly!
If we don't find Stevie,
a lot of people are going
to be very disappointed!
- I just announced
I'm getting married!
- David, you and your wonderful
Patrick
have years to celebrate!
What a unanimously disastrous
day this is turning out to be!
- Ugh!
- What the fuck?!
- Okay, so I told Stevie
and next thing you know,
she is nowhere to be found.
I just wish this whole
engagement announcement
hadn't gotten so out of control.
I mean, people are coming
up to me
that I haven't even
spoken to yet.
- Gentlemen, major show
drama aside,
I just wanted to say
congratulations
to the future Mister and Mister.
Or is it "Misters?"
- See?
Now Jocelyn,
how did you find out?
- Oh, from Moira.
Maybe Alexis. Possibly Gwen.
- Thanks Jocelyn,
but I'm actually
a little more concerned
about the show at the moment.
- Don't worry,
Moira says she has a plan.
- Oh, does she?
- Oh God, David! No, no, no,
no, David, I'm sorry.
No, just performers backstage
from here on.
- Mrs. Rose, are you-are you
a performer at this point?
- Unfortunately,
I have no choice.
So I'm gonna shimmy off
the rust,
and pray there's still
dazzle within.
Sorry, sorry. Oh.
- Stevie, what the fuck?!
- Mrs. Rose?
- Stevie, thank God you're here!
Okay everybody, vocal warm up
in the Green Room!
- Bye.
- Bye. Good luck.
- Mrs. Rose, I'm sorry.
I had an errand to run,
and I got stuck in traffic
on the way back.
- Yeah, I've been calling you
all day.
- I know, you told me
to block everyone out today,
so I left my phone at home,
which I realize
was a really big mistake.
Oh, were you planning
on taking my place?
- Oh! Just dressed in theme
to support, that's all.
I think I'll um...
I'm going to go see
if Jocelyn uh...
got the humidifier, excuse me.
I just have to check on her.
I just... Jocelyn?
- Okay, I'm sorry!
I should never have told you
before the show.
- Here.
- What is this?
- Patrick asked for my blessing
a few weeks ago,
so I had them made.
It would've been nice
if he told me
when it was happening,
I literally could've picked
these up
any other day this week,
but I will yell at him later.
I assume you two will be moving
in together,
and I won't be there to give
you towels when you need them,
so...
- Thank you.
I appreciate the monogramming,
and the choice of thread colour.
I thought you were upset.
- I was more upset that I had
to drive to Elmdale today.
I also appreciate this
burlesque-y get up.
- Excuse me. You're an almost
married man, now.
- Stevie. I'd ask if you could
hold us up more,
but I'm not a big fan
of rhetorical questions.
- Gotta go.
- Good luck!
Ahhhhh!
- Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi.
- Hey David,
congrats on the news!
Really happy for you guys.
- Okay, you know what,
the funny thing was,
originally I was going to be
the one that told people.
- Told people what?
- Oh, does your Dad not know?
- If we're talking about
Dave's big engagement news,
uh, we haven't decided
on a best man yet,
but we think it's probably
gonna be a black tie affair.
- You're engaged?
- Yeah. Sure.
- Oh, David, that's so exciting!
Oh son, you deserve all
the happiness...
we'll pick this up later.
- Sorry. Alexis made it seem
like everyone knew.
Oh, they do now, yeah.
- Have fun, my darling.
Have fun! You've gestated
long enough beneath my wing.
Now it's time to fly!
- Okay...
- Fly.
Ohhh!
- Oh!
♪♪♪
- Meine damen und herren,
Mesdames et Messieurs,
Ladies and Gentlemen!
I am your host.
♪ Willkommen, bienvenue,
welcome! ♪
♪ Fremde, etranger, stranger
Hello, stranger!
♪ Glucklich zu sehen
♪ Je suis enchante
- En chante madame!
♪ Happy to see you
♪ Bleibe, reste, stay
♪ Und sagen
♪ Willkommen, bienvenue,
welcome ♪
- Rah!
♪ Fremde, etranger, stranger
- Ooh!
♪ Glucklich zu sehen
♪ Je suis enchante
♪ Happy to see you
♪ Bleibe, reste, stay
♪ Wir sagen
♪ Willkommen, bienvenue,
welcome ♪
♪ Im Cabaret
♪ Au Cabaret
♪ To Cabaret
♪♪♪
- You wear her well.
- Sorry?
- Magdalena.
The only other time
I've leased one of my girls
is the Halloween when
David was desperate
to be Alanis Morissette.
- Well, glad you think
I'm pulling it off.
- Stevie, I'm so proud of you.
You're really powering
through tonight.
Of course I never doubted you.
- Thank you, but I still
have an act and a half
to prove you wrong.
- Now I suppose David's
announcement
left you a little shaken.
- That's really not it,
Mrs. Rose.
It's just...
I wish I wasn't watching it all
happen from behind the desk.
You know?
It feels like everyone's
growing up all around me.
- You know, before
the "Crows" movie happened,
I too thought there was
no escape from this dark,
troublesome existence that
was my life in this town.
I was as hopelessly crestfallen
as you are right now.
- Uh, I wouldn't say
I'm crest...
- Shhh! Use it.
- I'm sorry?
- Oh, I could so effortlessly
conjure up
the perfect words to bedazzle
your spirits.
That's one of my gifts. But no.
No, you need to be exactly
where you are.
- Okay, are you talking
about me, or Sally?
- Why, Sally, of course.
You I'm not worried about.
What the hell is your secret,
Stevie?
You just stand your solid
ground,
refusing to be anything but you.
Hm. Never thought I'd say this
about anyone in this town,
but you...
you're very, very cool.
And whether you set sail,
or stay put,
that's not going to change.
Now, why don't we take
our Sally by the hand,
and we go out there,
and show those people
everything she can be.
If she were only more like you.
- Oh! Thank you!
♪♪♪
♪♪♪
♪♪♪
♪ Maybe this time
♪ I'll be lucky
♪ Maybe this time
♪ He'll stay
♪ Maybe this time
♪ For the first time
♪ Love
♪ Won't hurry away
♪ He will hold me fast
♪♪♪
♪ I'll be home at last
♪ Not a loser anymore
♪ Like the last time
♪ And the time before
♪ Everybody
♪ They love a winner
♪ So nobody loved me
♪ Lady Peaceful
♪ Lady Happy
♪ That's what I long to be
♪ Well, all the odds are
♪ There in my favour
♪ Something's bound to begin
♪ It's gonna happen
♪ Happen sometime
♪ Maybe this time
♪ Maybe this time
♪ I'll win
- That's my friend!
- Well, you dazzled tonight,
sweetheart.
Thank you.
- Oh, sorry, I don't know why
I thought you were
talking to me.
- Well, it was a huge hit,
the crowd went wild.
I was shocked!
- Shocked?
- Amazed. I was amazed.
- Amazed, yes.
- You're gonna be late
for the airport.
I can't wait to sip pina
coladas with you.
- Again, it's not really
that kind of place,
but yes.
I love you.
- I love you.
- Excuse me everybody, um,
it's time for Ted to...
Galapa-go now.
- Ohhh!
- I love you so much!
Okay, great show everyone, bye.
- Bye.
- Bye, Ted.
- Thank you so much.
- Hi everyone, hi!
I just, first and foremost,
wanna say a big congratulations
to Team Cabaret.
The show was awesome,
you guys were so, so good!
Speaking of love...
- Somebody got engaged!
- Wow.
Speaking of love, um,
I'm so glad that
you're all here,
because Patrick and I have
some very special news.
- You're getting married!
- Jocelyn, I'm the one
on the chair!
Now, two years ago,
I went to fill out some
paperwork
for a business license,
and little did I know,
that I would end up meeting
the love of my...
God!
- Oh, it is me.
Um, I'm sorry, David.
Sorry, it's most likely press.
I-I already know
your engagement news.
- So wait a minute,
he's marrying you?
- Okay, this shouldn't be
so hard!
- Oh my God, just spit
it out, David!
- Oh my God, fine!
I met someone who changed
my life,
and I don't know where
I'd be without him.
So yes, as we all know now,
Patrick and I are engaged.
Ohhh!
No! Nooooo!
- Oh my God!
- Nooooo!
- If it's a bad review, Moira,
I wouldn't trust local critics.
- No.
No, they uh,
they shelved the "Crows" movie.
So it's-it's over.
It's over.
- Nothing to see here, people.
The party's over.
- Okay. Yeah, you can leave
your champagne flutes.
Unless we still wanna do
a toast?
- No.
- Oh, no? Okay. Everyone leave
the champagne flutes,
thank you.