Schitt's Creek (2015–…): Season 5, Episode 13 - The Hike - full transcript

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- Dobro jutro, my darlings!

That, of course,
is good morning in...

- Bosnian.
- We know!

- Well, I happened upon
the most charming

petite patisserie this morning,
and I thought,

my children deserve breakfast
in bed!

- Okay, have we done something?
I'm so confused.

- What do you want?

- Just to be near you.

Chalk it up to the heightened
emotionality of opening night



just around the corner, and...

and my bebe girl
leaving me so soon!

- Okay. Thank you so much.

- I'm not convinced.
- My pleasure.

Oh! And the programs
arrived today.

- Can't wait to see them.

- 500 shiny new programs.

- Aren't these just the
cinnamon buns from the lobby?

- And wouldn't you know it,

they have presented themselves
unfolded.

- Oh no, so you have
to fold them all?

- Theoretically.

But then you remember
my crippling carpal tunnel

from all those years
of signing cheques.



- So why don't I grab you
a big stack,

and you two can turn it
into a fun game.

- I'm out for the afternoon.

Patrick is taking me
on a picnic.

- Hm.
- Then Alexis,

perhaps you can bring
a few hundred to the cafe,

and you and Twyla
can gossip and fold,

and fold and gossip?

- Nope, this is my one day off,

and Ted and I are doing
trip stuff.

- They need to be folded!

And I brought you pastries,
and coffees!

- Okay well, this coffee
has nothing in it.

- Oh, it's just a gesture,
David!

Stop being so literal.
- Okay...

♪♪♪

- Hey, what are we doing
over here?

- Well, Galapagos has some
pretty killer beaches,

so I thought we should
come prepared.

- Oh my God, Turkish Cosmo
once included my photo

on their list of the world's
best sarongs.

So let's just say I know
my way around a beach.

- All right, uh...
goggles, snorkels.

- I don't actually go
in the open water,

but I can't wait to see
you do that.

What else?
- We got lots of stuff.

Biodegradable shampoo, and...

malaria pills.
- Excuse me?!

- Uh no,
they're just preventative.

We'll also be bringing
insect repellant.

- Okay. Maybe we can just get
one of those sexy

little mosquito nets
for around our bed?

- Those are actually
an insane safety hazard.

If they catch fire,
you're basically trapped

in a burning cage, so.

But, totally.

- Actually, you know what?

Why don't we go grab
some breakfast,

and I will tell you more
about our bed there,

and what we'll be doing in it.

- Theodore!

Look at this romantic
getaway you've planned.

- It's gonna be the best.

We've just gotta make a quick
pitstop at the doctor's,

to get some vaccines,
and then we'll grab a bite.

- Okay, part of me is wondering
if we even need the vaccines?

- No, it's just a quick
needle, Alexis.

Think of it like um,
getting Botox.

- Ew, Ted! What am I, 32?

Oof!

- Oh.
- Sure.

- Hey, what are we doing?
- We're here.

- Yeah, I just sorta feel like
picnicking by the side

of the road is basically
an invitation to be murdered.

- We're going on a hike, David.

What, you always say
you wanna do more

physical activity, right?

- Yes, so that you can tell me
I don't need to!

I thought we were going
on a picnic.

- We are. We just have
to hike to get there.

- Yeah, I was picturing us like,

on a charming park bench
in the middle

of a private English garden.

- David, you have to stop
watching "Notting Hill".

It's not helpful
for our relationship.

- Okay. Speak for yourself.
- There you go.

- What is this?
- That's your picnic basket.

We're gonna need our hands free
for the...

- For the hike.
- Hey, you're gonna love this.

Trust me.
- Will I?

- Let's go, David!

- Okay.

That's it.

- Oh, look at you, John,
my handsome proletarian.

All rumpled and sweaty.

- Well, I'd be less sweaty if
Roland hadn't just stood there

and watched me load all
the furniture onto his truck.

- Johnny, I am loaning you
my truck.

And besides, I think you'd
look good

with a little working-man
glow on you.

I could do without the musky
aroma though, whew!

- You know, Moira,
when you said you needed

a few pieces of furniture
from the motel

to round out the set
for Cabaret,

I didn't think you'd be
robbing us blind.

- According to Mrs. Rose,
our motel is the only place

sad enough to pass for
a pre-war Berlin brothel.

- Are you okay, Mr. Rose?

- Oh yeah, yeah, yeah,
I'll be fine.

Uh, Moira, what else?
Anything else I can do?

- If you'll just get this
seating chart to the truck,

you'll be then free as a bird.

Until we get to the theatre.

- Yeah, I'll spot you, Johnny.
Lift with your legs.

There you go.

- Ah! Oh!
- Oh John, be careful!

It's a rental.
- I'm sorry, sweetheart.

It slipped right
through my fingers.

- Just like your youth,
right, old man?

- Mr. Rose, do you think
maybe you should...

just take a seat for a second?

- Uh... okay.
Just for a minute, though.

I'm good.

- Wow, Johnny, are you okay?

- How long has this affliction
been operative?

- Yeah, I felt a little
tightening this morning,

Moira, when I picked up
that box of programs

from the printer's,
but I'm good.

- John, how was I to know
you were in peril?

You keep everything inside,
like a bashful clam!

- Okay, Mrs. Rose, I think
maybe we should take him

to the hospital.
- That sounds alarmist.

Right, John?

- It's just a little muscle
pull, that's all, Moira.

- Yeah, you know, my cousin,
Lenny,

had the same exact thing,
Johnny.

- Well, what did your cousin
do? Can we call him?

You can try, I don't
think you'll have much luck.

The poor guy died
of a heart attack.

- What? No!

John? John, can you hear me?

Can you hear me? Try to follow
the sound of my voice.

- Moira, I'm gonna need
your voice to take five

for a minute, thank you.

- Okay, I really think we
should go to the hospital.

- Okay, you know what?
I think...

I think may-maybe
it's time to go.

- Okay, no one panic.

Okay Stevie, get your car.

John's a slow driver.

We'll leave the programs behind.

Or maybe we'll bring
a stack for the trip?

- N-no, Mrs. Rose!
- You're right.

Everybody move!
- Okay.

- No! Not you, John!

So this card means luck.

I think. And...
- What's going on here?

Twy, I didn't know you
played solitaire.

- I don't. These are tarot
cards.

I'm raising money
for a new dishwasher,

so I'm offering five dollar
card readings.

- Yeah, and she's good too.

Last time she told me
I was in for a bit of luck,

and I won ten bucks
on a lotto ticket.

- Whoa!
- I spent $20, but...

still.

- Ahem!

Um, so where did you learn
how to tell fortunes, Twy?

- Oh, one of my mom's
ex-boyfriends was a magician,

and a gambling addict.

But he was also really good
at reading tarot cards.

He predicted when he was going
to leave my mom

like, to the day.

- Yeah, that's kinda why
I don't love this stuff.

It can really mess
with your head.

- Babe. It's for charity.

Twyla needs someone
to wash her dishes.

- No, no, the restaurant
needs a new appliance.

- Oh, okay.

Well, you should probably
get your story straight

if you're getting people
to donate money, though.

Come on, it'll be fun.
- Oh, okay, fine.

But only because
it's for a good cause.

- Yay!
- Okay...

Place your hands on the deck,

and think about something
you want.

- Okay.

- Hm...

- Is something wrong, Twy?

- Is there water near where
you're going?

- Yeah, we're going
to an island.

- Ooh! I forgot it
was an island!

- And are there boats
near the water?

- Yeah, there are boats
on the water.

Oh, we can charter this
catamaran at sunset.

- Yeah, so I see
a boat capsizing.

- What?
- People screaming.

And a couple, like, under water.

And then it sort of
fades to black.

- Oh my God! Ted!

- Okay no, wait come on,
you can't actually see that

in these cards.

- Well, I also need
to interpret the cards.

- Okay, so maybe you could
interpret something

a little more positive?

- Oh, I also see a party.

People dressed up
all fancy in black.

- Like a black and white party?

- Mm, more like a funeral.

- Okay, there's no service here.

- David, put your phone down.

We don't need service,
we have each other.

- Well, if you can track my
eBay bid, then, by all means.

Did we really need two
backpacks?

I mean, what are you keeping
in these things?

- Well, you had a pretty
long list,

and we needed ice packs
to keep the cheese

that you requested cold.

- Well, did I get the ice pack
one?

Because this is not light.

Just wonder why we couldn't
have found a meadow somewhere,

you know, with some men
on horseback like,

trotting in the background.

- Okay, David, do you want
to turn around?!

- Well, the app that's counting
my steps isn't working,

so I honestly don't know.

- You know what?

I got up early to pack
these bags for us

because I thought this would be
a fun thing to do together,

but obviously that
was a mistake.

- Okay, wow. So then,
let's keep going, then.

- Well no, 'cause there's like,
another half an hour to go.

So I think it's probably better
if we just call it now,

and forget about the picnic.

- Okay, well, we can't forget
about the picnic,

because I will need to eat
at some point soon.

- Really?!

- Okay! I love that you've done
this for us,

and I think you look very
dashing in your hiking clothes.

It's just a long way to go
for some cheese.

- Then let's turn around, David.

Because honestly, I... ohh!
- Where's the bear?

- No, I stepped on a branch.
It went right through my shoe.

- How do you know that it went
through your shoe?

Okay, everybody calm down.

It's gonna be fine.
- Uh-huh.

- Uh-huh? So that-we should go
to the...

- Okay. This way.
- It's right in the soft part.

- Yeah, I can see that.

- Okay, why?
Why are we still waiting?

- Moira, it's a hospital.

Why don't you sit down,
sweetheart?

- John? John,
I have sentiments that I...

that I often say to myself,

and I don't say them
out loud to you,

and I'd like you to hear them.

- Well, there are people
around, Moira,

so depending on what it is
you're planning on saying.

- I have given far too much

attention to this bicorn
of a show.

And I want you to know, John,

that you are the most important
thing in this world to me,

you know that, don't you?

And I include Caroline in that,

and I've had that wig
for 40-years.

- You don't have to be doing
this, Moira.

- John, if you make it through...
- When!

- When what?
- When he pulls through!

- Yes! Everything will change,
John.

We are going to eat healthier,

no-well, not-less,
less wine at dinner.

I'll have to keep the pills,

but I'm not one
who's the health risk here.

- Mrs. Rose, you really need
to sit down,

because at this point
I feel like

I am at risk of heart failure.

- Okay, I've been calling
David, and he's not picking up!

- And what about Alexis?

- There's an idea.

Anybody have her number?
- I'll text her.

- Okay, Johnny, um...

I figured you were probably
hungry, so um,

I got you some snacks;
here's some chips.

And then, this, Johnny,
is an energy drink.

So that you can stay awake.
- No!

He shouldn't be having
any of that.

Will you stop going
to the vending machine?

- I'm sorry, Stevie,
hospitals make me nervous.

The last time I was in one
was with Lenny.

Although he didn't stay
very long.

- Oh my God!
- What is wrong with you?!

- Hm?

- Okay, Johnny Rose?
- Yeah.

- Here.
- Hi, I'm Doctor Lipman.

We're gonna take you back
for some tests.

- Good.
- Is "tests" code

for open heart surgery?
You can tell me,

I once played a nurse
on "M.A.S.H."

- Okay, is it a heart attack?
- At this point,

we just want to find out
what's going on.

- Mr. Rose. Okay.
- Yeah, I'll be fine.

- You're gonna be okay.
- I'll be fine.

- Okay.

- Be careful with him.
Precious cargo.

- Whoa, whoa, Moira.

Too soon, too soon. Come on.

- Ugh.
- Okay, David,

I need you to pull it out.
- Okay, I told you

I don't think that's
a good idea.

- What, you think leaving it in
is a better idea?!

I would do it myself,

but it needs to be pulled
straight out.

- Okay!
- Just pull it out, David!

- Oh my God!
- Straight out.

Eyes need to be open, please.
- Ss! Shh...

Shh for a second.

Okay.

Is it bleeding?

- I don't know, my shoe is on!
- Okay.

- Yeah, I don't see anything,

but we should still put
something on it,

because I don't trust where
that stick has been.

Now, which of these backpacks
have the first aid kit in it?

- I didn't bring one.

It was either the first aid
kit, or the ice packs.

I wanna go home, David!
This whole day's been a bust.

- Well, that's not happening,
so...

- What is that?
- It's hand sanitizer,

it can be used
as a disinfectant.

You think I'd come to a picnic
without it?

Okay, there we go.

We'll reapply later,

but at least I don't have
to worry about gangrene.

I'm sorry for not appreciating
you enough today.

You've packed two big
backpacks full of food,

and not a Band-aid to be found
in either of them, but still.

If you wanna keep hiking,
I think we should keep hiking.

- No, I don't think so.

But thank you.

I think I sorta killed
the romance.

- No, you didn't.

You planned this beautiful
day for us.

And I think we should finish it.

Can you walk?

- Yeah, I think so.
- Then we keep going.

Also, I'm starving,
and I need to eat something.

- I should probably get out
in front, David.

You have no idea
where you're going.

- Okay. That's fair.
- Ow!

- Hey!

- Hey.

- Whatcha doin' there?

- Um, just being on
the internet.

- Alexis, that's just
an image search for...

intense boating disasters?

- I just wanted to know
what I would look like

after a catamaran accident.

- Come on, you can't tell me
that you actually believe

Twyla's card reading.

- Of course not.

We're just like,
super-duper sure

that this is the vacation
we want to be taking?

- What? This is not a vacation.
I'm going for work.

And look, if you're scared
of drowning,

we don't have to go on
the catamaran tour.

- Oh, it's more than that, Ted.

I don't know
what's wrong with me.

I've been travelling the world
since I was a teen model.

But something about this
just feels different.

- Is this about the juice stand?

Because I told you,
we can just make our own.

There's fruit literally
everywhere.

- Okay, this might sound insane,

but I've had this like,
nagging feeling

that as soon as I get there,

I'm gonna start thinking
about my family.

- That-that doesn't sound
insane.

- Okay, maybe I'm not
expressing myself clearly.

Like, I will physically
be there,

but I will be thinking
about them here.

- Right, so...

what you're describing
is missing someone,

and it is a totally
normal feeling.

- Well, this is a new feeling
for me, Ted!

What if something happens
to David?

I'm basically his only friend.

Or my Dad.

David and my mom sometimes
gang up on him,

and I'm basically
his only friend.

- Okay, Alexis,

you are taking a step
out of the nest

for the first time in a while,

and that's a good thing.

And if we get there,
and we hate it,

well, we'll probably have
to wait it out a bit,

just because it's pretty
far away,

and it would be pretty tough
to re-book

our travel arrangements, but...

if we still hate it after that,

we can just come home.

- You're right.

- Oh, no, no,
we're gonna close that now.

'Cause there are somre pretty
disturbing images on there.

Oh God!

Dr. Stevens, Room One.

- Well, you know, uh...

I'm just gonna go ahead
and say it.

It's been a long time,

that's usually not a good sign.

- Roland.
- Hmm?

- I don't think Mrs. Rose
needs to hear that right now.

- In the Balkan Peninsula
they say,

"silence is but an empty
serving platter."

I'm sure there's a deluge
of benign reasons

they're keeping John back there.

- Yeah, I'm sure.

He-he probably just roped them

into one of his longwinded
stories.

- Or he could be on a table
with a triple bypass.

- Mr. Rose is gonna be fine,
he has to be.

I mean, I can't be
left alone with this motel.

I don't do math.

Hey, folks.

I have an update on Mr. Rose's
condition for you.

We did an endoscopy,
and found it was in fact

severe heartburn.

We gave him an antacid,
a strong one,

and he's doing just fine.

And I drained a 20-footer,

and finished with an eagle.

- John! You scared me!

- Oh Johnny, I thought this
was the end of the road

for you, pal! Ohhh!

You're a blessing, my friend!

A blessing! A real blessing.

You are.
- Thank you, Roland.

- Ohhh...

- Mr. Rose needs to lay off
the morning cinnamon buns,

and steer clear of acidic foods
for a while.

But apart from that,
he's good to go.

- Is he, then?

- Well, he did say
that there have been

some fatal cases...
of heartburn.

- Did I?

- Is everything okay, Stevie?

- Yep, I'm just really not
looking forward

to folding those programs.

It's good to have you back,
Mr. Rose.

- Well, it's good to be back.

And thank you, Doctor.
I'll have to call you

with the rest of that
Pebble Beach story.

- Oh John, the man's done
enough!

- David, I'm fine.
- You were limping,

and the rest of the hike
would've made it worse.

Plus, you don't want to know
what my Mom would do

if you showed up to opening
night, and couldn't walk.

Oh, okay.

Oh boy.

Oh... oh!

Well, this is nice.

- I wouldn'tve made you
hike all this way

if I didn't think it
was gonna be worth it.

I know you a little better
than that.

- Okay, so how should I set up
the picnic?

- Yeah, I think it might be
a bit late for that.

Why don't we uh,

why don't we just take in
the view for a little while,

and then we'll save the picnic
for another day?

- Okay, I didn't carry you
up a mountain

not to eat cheese after, so...

- I don't know, David.

- Okay, just tell me what to do,
and I'll set it all up!

- Okay, fine. Um...

in the red bag
there's a blanket,

you can take that out
and lay it down,

- Okay.

This is nice.

- Uh, in the second bag,
there is a bundle

of crackers and cheese.

- Uh... excuse moi!

- And champagne.

- Hmm!

- And uh, just one more thing.

Um, if you go into that
front pocket there,

there's actually something.

- Get it open.

What's going on?

- So I used to come
on this hike a lot,

when I first moved here,
and I was uh,

I was developing feelings
for this guy

I had just gotten
into business with.

And... I didn't know
what to do about it

because I didn't know
if that guy

had the same feelings.

Or if I'd ever be able
to muster up the courage

to let him know how I felt.

- And now, here he is.

The love of my life,

standing in front of me.

- And this just felt like
the perfect place

to ask you to marry me.

Wha-are you sure?

- Easiest decision of my life.

- Mm!

- Are these 24-karat?

It's a yes, it's a yes!
I love you.

- Hey, Twy.
- Alexis.

Hey, what's up?

- Nothing, I was just on my way
back from Ted's,

and I thought I'd pop in
and see how you're doing, girl.

Good shift?

- Is this about the card
reading earlier?

- What? No.

I've been thinking about
the card reading earlier,

and I just feel like it
wasn't the greatest send off,

you know? So hopefully I'll
get a better one this time,

and it will just like,
erase the other one.

- I'd be glad to do it, Alexis,

but I should warn you,

I think the deck may be cursed.

I predicted four other
drownings today.

- Okay, well maybe you should
get a new deck.

- Death aside, your last
reading was really good.

- It was?

- You guys got up from the
table before I could get to it.

I flipped the Ten of Cups.

- And?

- And I saw your family
with this big...

golden ring of light
around them.

Like you all had something
to celebrate.

- Hm.

- It's gonna be a good year,
Alexis.

You're on the right path.

Thanks, Twy.

- You're welcome.

And that golden ring
means prosperity.

- Hm.

- Either that or it's a stain
from a beer bottle.

Because my mom's ex
gave me the cards.

- Ew.