Schitt's Creek (2015–…): Season 5, Episode 12 - The Roast - full transcript

A POP Original Series

Stop, oh my God!

- Oh!

You must be having a lovely
morning.

- Hey now, it's just getting
started.

- Is it just getting started?

Because it looks like the two
of you have been engaged

in general merriment
for quite some time now.

- Did he just say "merriment?"
- I think he did.

- Yes, I said "merriment."

Because that's what happens
when I spend too much time



with my mother,
and I blame you two for it.

- So how was uh,
dinner last night?

- Ooh, long. We spent
two and a half hours

going over a costume lineup
for the show.

All so that you two of you
could sneak off

to some secret dance rehearsal
behind her back

like a pair of dirty
con artists.

- Hey listen, David,
your Mom is a great director.

She's just not used to working
with amateur dancers.

- Yeah, last week she told me

to dance like an Indonesian
scarf caught in the wind.

I don't even know
what that looks like.

- This "Money" number
is so complicated

that if we don't get
the outside help,



we will be laughed off stage.
You've seen me dance.

- Yes, you have legs like
tree trunks,

we knew that going into this.
- Thank you.

- Can we just have one more
private session with Derek,

and then it's done.
- One more session?!

I thought last night
was the last session!

- Well, we couldn't nail
the final lift.

- What is this,
"Dirty Dancing?!"

- David, please, just keep her
distracted for one more night.

- No. No! It's too much!

- Okay, then I guess
we can just...

tell her we're getting
outside help.

- Mm, good luck.

When she was coaching me for
the "Little Mister" pageant,

I made the mistake of going
to Mario Lopez for advice,

he was the hosting at the time.

Anyway, she found out,
and felt so betrayed,

she "forgot" to double-knot
my tap shoes,

and cost me the crown.

So I will cover for you
for one more night.

But that is it!

This better be worth it.

Excuse me, I have a job to do.
- Oh.

♪♪♪

- Mm, Ted, it smells so good
in here!

What's the occasion?

- Brunch. That we were supposed
to make together.

- Oh, don't worry, babe,
I've already eaten.

- So then I guess
I'll just have your plate

for dinner, then.
- Mm, yum!

- Hey, so I was thinking
about maybe going into work

a little bit later today.

- Yay, if that means more
Teddy time for me, then yes.

- No actually, I've been
thinking about maybe

taking a longer break from work.

- I'm listening.

- What if we got out of town,
just the two of us?

- Like Thelma and Louise?
- Nope.

Uh no, I was thinking somewhere
more exotic, like,

I don't know, somewhere that
would have beaches for you,

and some interesting wildlife
for me?

- Okay, I've just been to Miami
so many times before,

and trust me, the "wildlife"
is not as sexy up close.

- No, I'm talking about
farther away.

Like, I don't know...

the Galapagos Islands.

- I love that.
- Really?

- Yes, as a jumping-off point,
yes!

But if we're thinking islands,
why don't we do something

less sleepy and scary,
like, The Maldives?

- Definitely something
to consider.

And I guess while we're
spit-balling here,

you know, it could be kinda fun
to go somewhere

that you've never been before.

Like, I don't know,
the Galapagos Islands.

- Yes, Ted! An island
somewhere for sure.

We just need to figure out
where.

But I'm so glad we're on
the same page about this!

- Yeah, yeah.

And-And what page is that?

- Well, we both agree
that we wanna get away,

and we both agree that
we're gonna land

on somewhere so good.

Mhmm!

Hey, Johnny. I heard the news.

Boy, we are really going
to miss Moira tonight

at the annual Mayor's Roast.

I was looking forward
to getting scorched.

- Oh yeah, well, she's gonna
miss it, too.

- Yeah, I mean,
when she starts going off,

oh my God, you better have
the burn unit on speed dial.

I mean, get the fire
extinguishers ready,

because she is just slinging
heat!

Which ultimately becomes fire.
- Yeah, I get it, I get it.

She can, she can be funny
on occasion.

- Yeah, it's okay though,
I've got uh, Bob's cousin,

Louis, from Elm County,

he's gonna come in
and fill in for her, so.

- Yeah well, Louis' the last
guy that should be driving in

for tonight. Uh no, I-I uh...

I'm more than capable
of taking Moira's place.

- Johnny, I don't think so.

Those are pretty high heels
to fill.

- Well, don't you worry
about me, I've uh...

I've handled myself pretty well
humorously speaking,

in front of large crowds before.

- Jeez, if you bring up
that Rose Video

shareholder's meeting again...

- You better be spending this
time toughening your skin,

Because I've got more
than a few...

rippers up my sleeve
for tonight.

- Okay um, first off, I have
no idea what "rippers" are.

- Well, maybe you'd know,

if you graduated elementary
school.

- I can't believe you said
that to me.

- Oh Roland, I'm sorry, did I...
Was that too far?

Look at your face!

"Oh Roland, I'm sorry,
did I go too far?"

Oh pal, you are going
to get eaten alive tonight!

Oh!

David! What are you
doing walking the streets

all by yourself?

- You make me sound like
a feral cat.

I'm walking home.

- Don't tell me the store
is already laying off people!

- No, Patrick sent me home
to get a cheque

that apparently is tax
for the government,

and not, as I assumed,
a bonus for me.

- Well, I'm glad I caught you,
because I got your missive

about wanting to sup
this evening,

and I'm afraid I must decline.

- What? Why? Why?

- David, full disclosure,

you have been awfully clingy
of late.

- Okay...

I think it might be propitious
for you to spend

some time with your peers.

What's Patrick doing tonight?
Or Stevie?

- They're um, busy.

- Busy? Well, rehearsals end
sharply at six,

so either one of them
should be free

to dine with you thereafter.

- I just don't think they're
available tonight.

- Hmm, too tired?

- Mm, yes. Yeah.
- Yes.

They've both been struggling.

- Yeah, that's-that's it.

Your choreography has been
working them so hard

they basically just go home
and fall sleep,

so actually your show

is stripping me
of a social life.

- Alright, David, but it'll
have to be a working repast.

I could use your eye for the
final design of the posters.

Okay? You employ the wrong font,

and you may as well bid Auf
Wiedersehen to ticket sales.

- Can't wait.
- Until then, dear!

- We're both going home though!

What the hell?!

- Alexis, you don't need to do
those dishes.

- I didn't, I just put them
on the counter.

Um, I also found this
on the counter.

"Charles Darwin Research
Center."

What is this?
- Oh, nothing.

Just-just some work stuff.

- It says you were one
of ten people selected

for a research program.

- Oh, what?

That's... crazy.

- Is this why you kept bringing
up those islands this morning?

- Oh, the Galapagos Islands?

Uh, not necessarily, no.

- Ted, why else would anyone
wanna go there?

- You mean, other than wanting
to study some of the rarest

and most diverse forms of plant
and animal life on the planet?

Uh, yeah,
I guess you have a point.

- You were selected out
of thousands of applicants?

- It just means that they'll
have plenty of people

to pick from
when I don't accept.

- Ted!

Why didn't you tell me
you were doing this?

- Because I applied before
we got back together,

and it takes a couple years
to process the applications.

- A couple years?
It sounds important.

- Well, listen,
it's not not important.

But I can, I can always
apply again.

You know, Emmett,
the tortoise is 180-years-old,

So I'm sure he'll still be
around in another few years.

- You love old tortoises!
It sounds like a dream.

How long is the program?

- Six months.

- Oh, wow.

- Yeah, see, this is why
I didn't wanna push it

on you this morning, okay?

Because you mean way more to me
than some dumb...

once-in-a-lifetime
job opportunity.

- Ted, I don't know what to say.

I'd totally think about it,
but like,

my laptop's here...

- Okay, honestly,
just don't worry about it.

- Well, what about
long distance?

I once maintained a successful,
semi-committed

text relationship
with Josh Hartnett

while he was shooting
"Pearl Harbor".

- Okay, Alexis, I appreciate
your creative problem solving,

But. you know, I-I wouldn't
stay if I didn't feel

like it was... it was
the right choice for me.

- Babe, are you sure?

- Yes.
- But are you sure, sure?

Because I don't want you to not
go like, just because of me.

- Okay Alexis, that's exactly
what's happening,

but it's fine, okay?

And I told you that it's fine,
so it's-it's fine!

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Okay... so we're all good,
then.

That was a good talk
for everyone.

You know what I am gonna do?

I'm gonna do those dishes.

Babe, do you have a dishwasher?

Okay, I'm just gonna...
I'm gonna figure it out then.

Okay.

- Sounds like someone's
in a good mood.

- What? Me? Oh.

Sorry, you know those days
where you're just like,

super in love?
- Hmm, not really.

- You will. Anyway, I'm just
thinking about Ted and me.

I can't believe we've come such
a long way, you know?

- Aww!

- Yeah. I just feel so lucky
to be with someone

who would do anything for me.

Like, I just found out that he
got this crazy job opportunity,

and he's turning it down
just to be with me.

- Wow. That is lucky.

- He was ten people picked
out of like, ten thousand.

- Oh my God, and he's not going?

- No, I think his perspective

was that there would be
other opportunities.

- Still, that must be totally
heartbreaking for him.

But I guess relationships
are all about sacrifice.

- Oh my God, yes,
Ted and I are so good

at that whole give and take
thing.

Like, he gives me so much,

and I have learned to take
as well.

- And I'm sure you give
things up for him

all the time as well.

- Totally.

But also, he never really
asks me to,

so that's hard for me
to do for him.

But if he did, I would.

- Oh, so he didn't ask you
to go with him?

- Not technically.

- Okay.

One day I hope I find a guy
like Ted.

Someone who would literally
put all their hopes and dreams

aside to be with me.

- Yeah.

Yeah. Thanks for the chat, Twy.

You're like my little
fairy godmother,

if she wore an apron,
and Celine Dion's perfume.

- Oh, so I've got a lot
of good material here,

I just need some help sifting
out the gold.

- I still don't see why
you dragged us into this.

- Well, you can be a tough
audience, Ronnie.

- What's that supposed to mean?
- See?

That's what I'm looking for,
honest reactions.

- Well, I've been honestly
reacting quite strongly

to your aftershave.

It's a bit too European
for my taste.

- Not the most helpful
feedback, Bob.

- Look, now that you've trapped
us here, just...

- What-what do you got, Johnny?

- Okay, here we go.

Well, it's 1791, and three
explorers have landed...

- Next.

- I was flipping through the
phone book the other day, and...

- The phone book?
How old are these?!

- Well, you're not even
letting me

get to the punchlines, Ronnie.

- Johnny, you need a search
and rescue team

to find the punchlines
for those setups.

- Ah! Top ten things
you don't want Roland

Ten too many.

Johnny, you gotta be short
and quick,

Like Roland in the bedroom.

- Now, that, that one
kills every year.

- Oh no, I love that one,
is that one up for grabs?

- No. You've gotta go
for the jugular,

Just stay away from spouses,
kids, and health,

and you'll be fine.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I gotta get back to work,
which, up until now,

was the most boring part
of my day.

- Well, I'd love to use that
Roland in the bedroom joke.

- Fine, but I have a feeling
it ain't gonna help you.

Man, when she's on fire,
look out!

- Well, you haven't seen me
on fire, Bob.

- I'm glad I let you talk me
into another dinner, David.

That note you had about
including my name

on the poster as a sales tool,

that's something I've been
debating for some time now.

- Well, your name was already
on the all mock-ups,

so it was really more
of an observation.

- That reminds me, I must pop
by the rehearsal space,

Jocelyn said some colour
samples were dropped off today.

- Okay yeah, I... hmm.

I don't know if-I don't know if
I need to see colour samples,

you just showed me all
the mock-ups.

- But the printers require
my sign-off first thing, David.

- Well, it's-it's late,
I mean, it's...

It's 7:15. Are you sure
you should be walking

over there alone at this hour?

- Okay David, no more
"True Crime TV"

before bed for you.

I refuse to buy you
another night-light!

- Okay, well why don't I just
pick them up for you, then?

Ah!

Hey, be careful!

♪♪♪

♪ When you haven't any
coal in the stove ♪

♪ And you freeze in the winter
and curse through the wind ♪

♪ And your fate when you haven't
any shoes on your feet ♪

♪ And your coat's thin
as paper ♪

♪ And you look 30 pounds
underweight ♪

♪ When you go to get a word

♪ Of advice from the fat
little pastor... ♪

- What the hell?!

- I don't-I don't know.

♪ At the window...

- ♪ At the window!
- ♪ Who's there?

- ♪ Hunger!
- ♪ Ooh, hunger!

♪ See how love flies
out the door ♪

♪ Money makes the world
go round ♪

♪ The world go round
the world... ♪

♪ Money makes the world
go round ♪

♪ The clinking clanking
sound of... ♪

♪ Money money money money money
money money money ♪

- Get a little!
- Get a little!

♪ Money money money money ♪

♪ A mark, a yen, a buck,
or a pound ♪

♪ Clinking clanking
clunking sound ♪

♪ It's all that makes
the world go round ♪

♪ Makes the world go round!

- Oh my God.
- Ahem.

- David, what are you
doing here?

- I have questions.

- Mrs. Rose, this is Derek.

He's been just helping us

practice the steps
to the number.

- And how long have you all
been moonlighting?

- Just... just about a week.

- It's a really fun piece.

- Yes, I'm aware, thank you.

- I'm just gonna head outside.
- Yeah. Yes.

- Thanks, Derek.

- So all this time I thought...
Poor David thought

that you were home,
resting your instruments!

- Ohh...
- I'm so disappointed.

- Sorry, David.
- It's okay.

- However, in the business
of show,

skullduggery, when it leads
to such thrilling results,

a pinch of moral corruption
is a small price to pay.

- Oh, is that good?
- Yeah, I think so.

- You choreographed this?

- I loosened the pickle jar.
Derek merely popped the lid.

- Very impressed.

Was not embarrassed at all.

And I thought I would be.

- So sweet.

- Babe!

- I didn't like how we left
things this morning.

- Me neither.

I'm the one that
should be sorry.

- No, I should've been
more direct,

and we should've just talked
this through.

And I actually did some
research on the Maldives,

and there's this beautiful
resort that we could stay at,

it just means we might have
to work there part-time,

to cover the costs.

But I feel like I could
teach windsurfing.

- Of course you've done
research on this trip.

But you've done too much
for me already.

You do too much for me.

And so I think it's time that
I give something back to you.

- My FitBit?

- No. I lost that.

But the last thing I wanna do

is stand between you
and this job.

You've worked so hard,
and I'm proud of you.

And so, yes, Ted Mullens,

I will go to the Cayman Islands
with you.

- Uh, you mean the Galapagos?

- Yeah, wherever
the turtles are.

- Are you sure, sure?

- No. But, yes.

- Muah! Alexis, you continue
to amaze me.

I can't wait to do this
with you.

Oh! We're gonna need to shots.

- Yes! Let's celebrate!

- Uh, no, no, no, I meant
like, vaccinations.

- Mm...

- Yeah, just 'cause we'll be
spending a lot of time

in tents, and there could be
disease-carrying

insects around, so.
- Okay. Okay.

Um, this is still very fresh.

I made this decision like,
two minutes ago,

so why don't we focus
more on the beach,

and less on the details?

- Fair enough.

- When it comes to making
decisions,

Roland likes to go with his gut.

And boy, does he have a lot
of gut to go with.

Ohhhh!

- Yes, I do.

- And look at Bob,
pretending to get it.

And we all know Gwen,
he hasn't gotten it in years!

Ohhh!

- Oh, that-Ronnie is just
crushing it!

I mean, you know, everybody
really has so far.

- Okay, okay, that's all
I got for now.

So I'm just gonna hand it over
to the one

who wears the pants
in the Rose family.

But Moira is not here right now.

- So I'm gonna pass it over
to Johnny.

- All right, Johnny! Go on!

Head on up there!

Let's see what you've got up
your starched sleeve of yours.

- I'll tell you what I've got
up my sleeve Roland,

a few tasty little rippers
that uh...

are more palatable than anything

Jocelyn's been serving up
tonight, so.

- Hey, is that a crack
about my cooking?

- From the guy who's had
four helpings?

Yeah!

- Oh, and Bob's joking about me
having four helpings,

we all know if you've ever
taken your car to Bob's Garage,

he's not necessarily known
"four helpings" anyone.

- Well anyway, a couple
of little improvs there

to get started, but uh, uh...

what was I saying?
- Nothing funny so far.

- Hey Johnny, come on,
I've got a white flag,

why don't you just start
waving it?

Ohhh!

- Yeah, Roland, may I point out
that I was quiet

when everyone else was up here
doing their roasts.

- I wish you were quiet
right now!

- Well, things seem
to be going downhill fast.

Which is what the town must've
been thinking when Roland

elected himself Mayor.

- Okay, I'll give him that.

- Oh, got a smile out of Ronnie.

The last time anyone saw
her this happy

was at a 3-for-1 sale
on cargo pants!

- Where? Where?

- All right, Johnny, starting
to make some moves, now.

- Cargo, I said car-go,

which is what a car
is supposed to do...

unless you take it
to Bob's Garage!

- Well listen, I don't want
to overstay my welcome,

I'll keep things short
and quick.

Which reminds me of the last
time I was in Roland's bedroom,

um... well,

I-I wasn't in Roland's bedroom,
but the...

Ah! What was it, Ronnie?
- Just sit down, Johnny.

- Well anyway, the punchline
is, it was short and quick.

Anyway, I'm gonna quit
while I'm ahead, folks.

- I think it's a little late
for that, pal.

Ohhh!

- Good job, Johnny, all right.

No, I wish you guys
could've been there tonight.

I was really ripping into them.

- Yes, I'm sure you killed
them, dear,

with all the venom
of a silkworm.

- Oh, you know what, Moira?

Jealousy doesn't look good
on you.

Much like that mirrored
jumpsuit you wore

to Candy Spelling's 50th!

- John!
- Oh my God, Dad!

- Why don't you take it easy,
Alexis,

like you did with
your education?

Ugh!

- I mean, he's not wrong.
- Oh, look at David.

Smart enough to get that joke,

but not smart enough
to stop wearing sweaters

in the middle of summer.

- Burn, David!

- Okay, here's why that joke
didn't work.

- And look at you, John.

A worthy competitor emerges.

Something the good people
at Blockbuster never said

about Rose Video. Ha! Ha!

- That was low,
like David's standards.

- Or the placement of Alexis'
back tattoo.

- Alexis has a back tattoo?

- Alexis, what have you done
to yourself?!

- It says "that's hot"
in Cantonese.

Got it in Hong Kong.
- Ugh!

I was 12-years-old!