Schitt's Creek (2015–…): Season 4, Episode 8 - The Jazzaguy - full transcript

Um, Alexis, do you mind
telling your phone to fuck off?

Ugh.

What's bumpkin?

What? Nothing. Gimme that.

Oh my god, is this a dating app?

It's an online social
hub for rural singles,

if you must know,
David. I signed Twyla up.

Well, why does it say
Alexis you have a new match?

Research. I was testing
the water for her, David.

Poor thing's clueless.

Well, Miguel says hi.



Why is he shirtless with
an armful of puppies?

Oh my god, we matched?

His nipples are out.

Ted can't know about this, David.

Miguel's the only other vet in town,

and they have this like dumb rivalry.

When has that ever stopped you?

I remember that summer you
dated all 3 Hanson brothers.

This is different.

I no longer need backstage
passes to the Teen Choice Awards.

How did you even match with
Miguel in the first place?

I swiped right, obviously.

Like look at him, David.

I didn't actually expect we'd match.



- You didn't expect to match.
- Okay, fine, I did,

but I just wanted to
see what would happen.

He's the only attractive
person on here, David,

what did you want me to do?

Well, then go on a date with him.

- I can't.
- Fine, then don't.

- Okay, but I want to, David.
- Oh my god, Alexis,

I am suffering romantically right now,

and there was a minute when I thought

I would never have to
look at another dating app,

and here you are shoving
Bumpkins in my face.

It's Bumpkin with a wink emoji.

He messaged me again.

He actually sounds kind of chill, David.

What did he say?

- Sup?
- Okay.

Ready when you are, Mr. Rose.

Ready for what?

We have a 1:00 reservation
for lunch at the café.

Oh Moira, I completely
forgot about lunch.

And I just gave Stevie the day off.

How many days off is
Stevie allowed to request?

Well, she'd worked 14
straight days, so...

It's starting to
remind me of Rose Video,

when your work consumed
you, and I would miss you so.

Except now I don't have the jet
and the free DVD's to distract me.

Well, I don't know
what to say, Sweetheart,

I-I still have most
of the rooms to clean.

Would it be too much to ask the guests

to clean up after themselves?

Hm, yes, it would.

It's basically the
only service we provide.

Very well. If lunch is canceled,

I suppose I'll show up on
time for Jazzagals rehearsal.

Isn't that something you
should be doing anyway?

Oh, there's so much time
wasted off top, John.

Yap, yap, yap, do, re, mi.

A lip buzzing 'til I'm blue in the face!

I promise I'll make it
up to you, Sweetheart.

Okay. As long as we're
tabulating scores,

this will mark the 3rd time
you stood me up this week, John.

Hmm.

Turn everything off, please.

- Why aren't you dressed?
- Because I'm not going.

Because I'm too tired.

You've been sleeping for two days.

What's your point?

I'm finding it hard to believe

that you don't have the
energy to go to a spa.

I know, I'm scaring even me.

Why are we going to a spa, again?

Because you're having boyfriend issues,

and this is my reluctant
attempt at being supportive.

Well, that's very thoughtful of you.

I also have a Groupon,

which I was planning on using with Jake,

but I thought you might need it more,

so, get up before I change my mind.

- I can't.
- Get up.

No!

Oh my god, David.

Ah!

This is really pathetic.

What kinda spa is it, and
will there be treatments?

You're a monster.

Miguel looks so strong
holding all those puppies.

Maybe I should get into online dating?

Oh, I'm not into online dating,

I'm just showing David how it works.

- So when are you seeing him?
- Oh wow, no,

I don't think that would
actually be a good idea.

In fact, I might have
to cancel on him tonight.

So you are seeing him?

Technically yes, but like,
he and Ted have this thing.

Oh, and Ted asked you not to see him.

No, he doesn't know.

Sorry, so what's the problem?

I mean, Ted's not going
on a date with him.

Yeah, I mean I guess
there isn't really anything

- standing in the way.
- So there you go.

It's just that I used to date Ted,

and now I'm gonna be dating this guy,

and it's just gonna be weird,

and I don't wanna do
anything to upset Ted.

So then maybe don't go
on a date with this guy?

It's just that there are
like ten guys on here,

and three of them are Ray.

Yeah.

♪ Fat spatula ♪

♪ Fat spatula ♪

♪ Fat spatula ♪

♪ Fat spatula ♪

♪ Fat spatula ♪

- ♪ Fat spat... ♪
- Ah! John, what are you doing here?

Is it David?

Oh no, you can speak
freely in front of the gals.

No, no, David's fine. David's fine.

A little depressed.

Stevie had to force him
into her car, but you know.

Then, to what do we owe
this off-book sojourn?

Well, I thought about what you said,

and I didn't wanna fall into old habits,

so I delegated the rest
of the cleaning to Roland.

Sweet gesture, but was that wise?

No offense, Jocelyn.

I was gonna ask him the same thing.

And that frees us up
for a little date night,

uh, after you've finished rehearsing.

Oh, where are you taking her?

- The café.
- Ah!

If that doesn't scream romance.

There was a time when this dusky charmer

used to constantly whisk
me off to ports unknown.

Actually Johnny,

Ronnie could always
use another baritone,

why don't you join us?

Oh, no.

No, I'm just here to show
support. So, as you were.

Oh, my husband, the
portrait of self-effacement.

You should all know
that this man's voice

melted more than a few hearts.

Johnny, why don't you
just come and join Ronnie?

Oh, no, no, no!

No, no, I... haven't used
the old pipes in so long,

and I... I wouldn't want to

♪ impo-o-o-ose ♪

Somebody just nailed their audition.

Oh, ha ha.

I've got perfect pitch, so
do not mess this up for me.

- I understand.
- Okay.

Oh wow. Is this some kind of sick joke?

Yeah, um, so Jake and I found out

that if you tell these resorts
that it's your honeymoon,

they usually upgrade
your room and stuff,

and give you free booze, but uh,

We've never had anything
like this before.

Oh. Lucky me.

Sorry.

Shoulda just told 'em the wedding's off.

Mhmm. So, Jake and his little
pony are goin' on dates

and having sexy honeymoon weekends?

No, only sometimes, when it's necessary.

Hmm.

So you're in love then. You're
like falling in love with Jake.

It's impossible to be in love with Jake,

only Jake is in love with Jake.

He's just... really good
at celebrating my body.

So, I'm keepin' him around.

Have you heard from Patrick?

We're taking some
time to regroup at the moment.

Ooh. Feeling very raw
right now, you know?

Um, it's just like a lot
of emotional triggers.

Like that?

So, thank you for saving me from myself

because one more day at that motel

and I think things
would've gotten very dark.

Hm. No problem. Just put this on.

Okay I'm not playing into
your fraudulent behaviour.

You still want the free booze, right?

Gimme the ring.

Can't believe I caught that.

♪ Do do do do I feel so far away ♪

1, 2, 3, 4!

♪ I feel so far away ♪

♪ When we're takin' it
home takin' it home ♪

- ♪ Takin' it home! ♪
- Yeah.

Woo!

- Not bad. Not bad.
- Oh thank you, Ronnie.

Oh John, a near-perfect return to form.

I thought it was really great.

Ah, Mrs. Rose, I didn't know

there were two singers in the family.

Well, professionally speaking
there's still only one.

But I do applaud the vigor

with which you embrace
recreational activities

such as this, Mr. Rose.

Well, anything to
spend a little more time

with my special little songbird.

Ooh, Okay ladies, if you don't mind,

I'm going to allow my
husband to steal me away,

for a modest repast across the avenue.

And I should get back for my shift.

And we're still going for
post-rehearsal mocktails, right ladies?

I dunno about anybody
else, but I am drinkin'.

So we're all headed
in the same direction?

It looks like it.

I'll get out the fancy
martini glasses. Fun!

Boy, we never did this back
in the Rose Video days, did we?

No, but I'm sure we had our reasons.

- Alexis.
- Yes?

- Miguel.
- Oh my gosh, hey.

Hi.

I didn't recognize you
without your nipples.

- Huh?
- The puppies... the um,

the cute little puppies that you
love to photograph yourself with.

Ha ha, yeah, yeah, I left
them at home. The puppies.

Brought the nipples.
- Oh good.

Not about the nipples,
um, about the puppies.

- Right.
- So anyway, how are you?

Uh good. Good, good.

I'm just really glad we could
make this work. Champagne?

Uh, they serve champagne here?

I believe it's called Zhampagne,

it's from the very famous
Zhampagne region of France.

- Can't wait to try it.
- Mm-hmm.

- Hmm.
- So, um, how long you been on the app?

Uh, oh I'm not. Well I am,

but I just downloaded
it to show a friend.

Well, worked out well for me.

Someone's a smooth talker.

- No.
- This is a relief.

I um, I was actually
thinking about not coming.

What was holding you back?

Uh, I dunno, just like
am I ready for this,

and I'm not even on the app,
so like should I be using it?

Right.

I just like making careful choices.

Yeah, yeah. I'm just glad

that you... you could come out tonight.

Um,

to... careful choices.

Yes. To that.

Okay, everybody.

Hi. I'm Bobbie, and I am so
excited to be your waitress.

We just love honeymooners
here at Crystal Elms.

Please, right this way.

Here you go.

Wow.

- Oh my god.
- Thank you.

Okay, and I will be right
back with your menus. Okay.

♪♪♪

- No. Absolutely not.
- Okay, and I completely understand.

Um, I just worry that if
we don't put the hats on,

that the other guests will
inevitably force us to.

Okay.

So.

So, turns out we are not
the only ones celebrating

the bride and groom.

This is from a Patrick.

Says, "have fun, enjoy the
night. Thinking about you."

Oh, wow, that is just very sweet.

And I can assure you that
a fun night is guaranteed

after a bottle of this. Right?

Yeah, she gets it. Okay.

Did our waitress just
make a sex reference?

I mean, I don't think that's
really surprising at this point.

Um, so you obviously
have spoken to Patrick

since he knows we're here.

Okay um, we may have been texting.

He's covering for me at work.

And these, these are our
complimentary lovebird wings.

They are chicken, not actual lovebirds.

Uh, and oh, the special
tonight is a lover's curry.

So, I will be back, and I
will take your order. Okay so.

Oh, wow.

- Oh, one more.
- Oh my god.

Oh.

Sorry, you were saying?

Um, how did you get so good at this?

Hm, you learn pretty quickly

when you're in a Ugandan
diamond smuggler's villa

playing for your friend's freedom.

- Right, right. Wait, what?
- That was fun.

Yeah, I know. I know.
I don't uh... you know,

I don't get to date a
lot. Busy schedule and...

and whatnot, but there is just
something about you, you know...

I actually,

I changed my shirt 3
times for tonight and uh,

I'm sorry, I probably shouldn't
be giving that all away.

No, it's cute.

And I was actually nervous, too.

Well, you... you look great.

No, yeah, I know it wasn't that.

Um, you're gonna think
this is so random,

but it was actually
about something else.

Well, whatever it was,

I'm just glad that we could do this.

I used to date Ted.

- I'm sorry?
- Ted Mullins?

- He's the veterinarian.
- No, no, no,

I know who Ted is.
- Okay cool,

I just felt like we were
being honest with each other.

Wait, weren't you his receptionist?

Executive Assistant. And yes,
but only for like a minute.

But you guys were engaged?

- Um, very
briefly. - Uh-huh.

And just twice.

And we've both moved on.
He has a girlfriend now,

and apparently they're
like very serious.

Okay look, there is nobody
who wants to see Ted fail

more than I do, professionally speaking.

Personally, I feel
like this is off limits.

It just feels... wrong.

Okay, that is what I've been
saying, to literally everyone.

What, you've been
telling people about this?

No. Some people. Just close friends.

And that is the reason that
I wasn't gonna come tonight.

- Yeah, but you came.
- Okay, bottom line,

we've both had a lot of Zhampagne,

so I just feel like we need
to hydrate, and reflect.

Wow.

I mean, yeah, but...

I don't think I can do this.

Okay, just to be clear,
I couldn't do this first.

So I guess I am paying
for the Zhampagne then?

And so, he says to the
cop, "Well, if it was mine,

I wouldn't've put it in my mouth."

Oh, Veronica, once again,

you reign supreme as the
queen of the triple entendres.

I just have to say this.

I know that we are the Jazzagals,

but it was pretty great to have
a Jazza-guy in our midst today.

Oh.

Yeah, if you're around next week,

it wouldn't hurt to have the help.

Not to dim the charge on
this delightful conversation,

but John, why don't you and I go

- and get the gals another drink?
- Okay.

No, no, the next round is
on us for our newest member.

Lemonades for Moira and me...

And two cosmos for the baritone section.

♪ Yes, please ♪

John, I wanna thank you

for what you did for me today.

And I know it was done
with the best of intentions.

I'm getting the sense
I did something wrong.

Oh, not at all.

In fact, you've enlightened me.

I realize I take one thing
for granted in this town.

- Oh, Moira.
- My time with the Jazzagals.

Ah.

As sad as it sounds,

these rehearsals have
become a tiny oasis

in the echo-y canyon that
I now call my social life.

I don't know if you've noticed, John,

but this transition has
not been the easiest for me.

I can't say that I have not noticed.

Aside from rehearsals,
few things keep me going.

My nightly sleeps, afternoon naps,

and of course meals with my husband.

And there will be more of those.

But John, I have so few pleasures,

that if I start combining them,

then I'll have even
less to look forward to.

I understand, Moira.

So, would you like me
to leave you to cocktails

with the gals, then?

Oh god, no, we'll
leave together, please.

There are only so many
ways I can feign amusement

at Ronnie's comedia Del commode.

So the lover's curry was a mistake.

Yeah, it was.

Uh, but we got through it,

and now we have a story we
can only tell each other so...

Patrick would find it funny.

We will not be telling Patrick.

Another secret for the pile.

Okay, not to put any of the
blame on you in this situation.

Obviously Patrick should've
told you he had a fiancée,

but... why didn't you ask him?

If he had a secret fiancée?

Well, no, but did you guys not
talk about your dating history?

I guess I just thought the
deeper we got into his past,

the deeper we'd have to get into mine.

And, historically speaking,

the more I revealed of myself,

the less interested people got.

So.

Okay, so I'm gonna go out on a limb

and say that you were
probably surrounding yourself

with the wrong people,

and we both know that Patrick
is not that kind of person.

Also, I know everything about you,

about your history,

your family, and I'm still here.

I think you're my best friend.

You think?

Well, I can't know for sure,

because I'm realizing
now that I don't think

I've ever really had one.

Okay, well, if we're being honest,

I don't think I've ever had one, either.

This would be a really sweet moment,

if what we had just admitted
to each other wasn't so sad.

Sadder? When you were in the bathroom,

I finished the rest
of the lover's curry.

Okay, you'll be sleeping
in the bathtub tonight.

I understand.

Well, honey, I don't
think you should let

one embarrassing encounter
color your experience,

on Bumper.
- Bump-kin.

So you upload your photo,

and the Bumpkin sends
it to local singles.

It's not called The Bumpkin.

Okay. Oh, here's one.

Isaac, 31, works on his family's farm.

Certainly loves to take pictures
of himself in waterfalls.

Hmm.

Though harvesting crops does produce

a nicely-sculpted physique.

"Looking for a hook-up."

Well, that sounds promising, Alexis,

he's open for hooking
up for dinner, or drinks.

Uh-uh, that's not what that means.

- Okay, moving on to Jebediah.
- Okay, stop!

Comes from a large
family. Oh, not my kids.

That's a step in the
right direction, Alexis.

- Scroll down, Moira.
- Okay. Oh my wives.

All right, which way do you
swipe to get rid of this one?

- Okay, gimme my phone...
- Oh, Alexis, look,

you've just Bumpkined with Jebediah.

- What? Ew!
- Oh, and now we're back to Ray.

Ew!

How did Ray get such
a beautiful bathroom?

Well...