Schitt's Creek (2015–…): Season 4, Episode 7 - The Barbecue - full transcript

All right.

Morning, David.

Ew. What are you all doing here?

We have a surprise for you.

Judging from the looks on
your faces, I don't want it.

- Stevie?
- Stevie?

Something arrived at
the front desk for you.

Ah!

It appears someone has
something to celebrate.

Why would Patrick do that?

That was my first thought.



Celebrating a monthly anniversary

seems a bit of a reach.

But then Alexis informed us

that this is the longest
relationship you've ever had!

- Four whole months, David.
- How 'bout that?

Okay, this is not the longest
relationship I've ever had.

I had a... very intimate
connection with Tony,

for several years.

She was your pen pal, David.

She was in a penitentiary, dear.

Well, this calls for a celebration.

Now Roland just found
a barbecue in the shed,

so, I say you invite
Patrick over, we fire it up,

and have a good old fashioned
Rose family barbecue.



- Yes, David.
- I mean, we already have dessert.

I mean, this would
feed at least 10 people.

Okay, first of all, no
one's sharing the cookie.

And second of all, Patrick is not
being invited to a barbecue.

- Is he pulling back?
- No!

Has he asked you about
an open relationship?

Not yet. Anyway, everything is fine,

which is why I would
rather not subject him

to eating charred meat
with this group of carnies.

Carnies are people too.

David, could you just once embrace joy?

Okay.

Perhaps it's this nay-saying reticence

that caused your past
relationships to...

- Fall apart.
- ... oxidize.

- Oxidize.
- Okay, you know what?

I think we're good here. Thanks.

So you're bringing Patrick?

Nope, Patrick's still not coming.

Bye bye.

Oh yeah, it's soft.

Do you have any idea what you've done?

Take it the cookie went over well?

I have told you for three months now,

that I don't want a
monthly anniversary gift.

And I know you think it's very funny,

but this time it went too far.

It's a cookie, David,
what's the big deal?

First of all, a cookie
is always a big deal,

especially when that cookie
just alerted my entire family

to the fact that this is

officially the longest
relationship I've ever had.

This is the longest
relationship you've ever had?

Oh, I shoulda got you
more than a cookie.

Okay, well the cookie
was almost too much.

Figuratively speaking.

I ate half of it on the way here.

Bottom line, I just don't think
we need to celebrate as much.

You know, we could just go
day-to-day like normal people.

If we throw a... if we throw
a renaissance fair every month,

I just feel like we
might be tempting fate.

We are not tempting fate, okay?

I can't speak to your past,

but I think you might
have an easier time of it,

and maybe a little bit more fun,

if you just learn to trust people.

The last time I heard that,
I was dating a birthday clown

who painted my face in the night,

and was literally never seen from again.

Noted.

You have nothing to worry about, David,

and I can return these tickets
to the Julia Stiles-a-thon

- at the drive-in tonight.
- Let me see those.

I agree, that might have
been a little overboard.

Okay, first of all, let it be known

that supporting Julia Stiles
is never going overboard.

- Oh, so you can go?
- Um, not tonight.

Tonight I have a thing,
but tomorrow I could come.

What's your thing tonight?

Um, it's just like a
family thing at the motel.

It's like a nothing
thing. You wouldn't...

Okay, well tomorrow night it is.

Now I gotta go to town
hall to get some signatures

for our permit renewal,
but don't worry, David,

unlike the birthday
clown, I will be back.

- He was never found.
- Probably dead.

You just fill this out
and I'll get ya checked in.

- Great, thanks.
- Hey girl.

Oh, you're talkin' to me?

Yeah, who else would I
be talking to? No offense.

What's up?

Okay, so I wanted to get some
advice, like girl-to-girl,

'cause you're always
so good with boy stuff.

So David's at work and you
had nobody else to talk to?

What?

That's...

So I got this message from Ted,

and I wanted to get
someone's... your...

- Mhmm.
- Your, specific opinion

before I replied.

Okay, so this is what
Ted sent this morning.

I'm more of a bagel guy, winky face?

Keep in mind we haven't
seen each other in weeks.

Okay, so it was an accident.

Or, it was made to
look like an accident.

- Okay.
- It's a tactic, Stevie.

You send someone a random text
message to get their attention,

and then the next thing you
know, you're talking again.

- Who would do that?
- I've done that. Like a lot.

I did it last week.

This is why I choose not
to be in a relationship.

Hey... Alexis.

Rachel, sorry, I didn't
mean to eavesdrop,

but that's like the
oldest trick in the book.

Texting a bunch of letters
and saying your phone

- was unlocked in your purse.
- Right?

I used to text Zac Efron
just like a question mark

whenever I wanted a booty call.

Poor thing would be
like buzzing my apartment

before I even pressed send.

That's actually how my fiancé and I

keep getting back together.

Okay, Rachel, you're in Room 9.

Oh, actually we're just finishing up.

Um, okay so what do you
think I should write back?

Honestly I don't know anything
about your relationship,

but I do know that games
only get you so far.

Unless you wanna end up
like me, 6 months later,

tryin' to win him
back for the 50th time.

Mmhm. Having flashbacks of Zac Efron.

Isn't it easier to just be direct?

Either way, you get an answer.

You're like super smart,
and pretty in like a... breezy,

non-threatening sort of way.

Another successful girl talk.

You know, Roland, when
you said you found a grill,

this isn't exactly what I had in mind.

What'd you expect Johnny, Benihana?

No, there's no dials, no
tanks, no side burners.

I mean I wasn't expecting
a built-in wine fridge,

but this is nothing... like
what I'm used to cooking on.

What?

No, I'm sorry, I just had
an image of you cooking.

Come on, Johnny, you're
talking to a grill master.

Do you know that I've been
given three different aprons

because of my barbecue skills?

Let's see, I've got License to Grill,

I've got Working Grill,

oh and I have Grills
Just Wanna Have Fun.

It's gonna take more
than a license to grill

to get this thing back to life.

Okay look, um, I can
smell your fear, okay?

So why don't you go grab
the meat and the briquettes,

and I'll get this bad
boy up and running for ya?

Okay well, thank you, Roland.

And just so you're aware,

this has nothing to do with me
not knowing my way around a grill.

I've watched many a personal
chef flip a burger in my day.

I've got the perfect apron for ya,

Poor Little Rich Grill.

I'll get it made up.

- I think so.
- I hope so.

It would only be fair.
Please tell me yes.

Uh, hi.

David, someone's ears must be a-flame.

When you said that you were coming back,

you just meant that
you weren't coming back,

and that I would have to spend
the afternoon searching for you

on the train tracks, and
among various unmarked vans.

You did that for me?

No, but there was a moment
when I thought about doing it.

- David, blame me.
- Oh, I do.

Patrick was about to slip
away with the signatures

when I corralled him into
a little lunchtime chin wag.

Yes, which is how I found
out about the barbecue

that I was invited to,
but didn't know about.

Hmm.

Why didn't you tell me I
was invited to the barbecue?

Well, they only wanted
to have the barbecue

after reading what was on your cookie.

Yeah, sorry that still
sounds pretty nice to me.

- Thank you, Pat.
- It is nice.

No one's saying it's not
nice. What I'm saying is...

Yeah, okay.

Pat, do you mind giving us
the room for just a moment?

- Certainly.
- Okay.

Somebody should probably
be at the store anyway, huh?

Lovely talking to you, Mrs. Rose.

You too.

Wow.

What are you doing?

I told you I didn't want to
make a big deal out of this.

David you can't blame
us for being excited.

Your father and I,

we weren't involved in
your past relationships,

and from what I understand, it
was one bungle after another.

I'm not saying there's a connection.

There's no connection,

it's just a long
string of very bad luck,

and I don't know what kind of carnage

I inflicted in a past
life, to deserve it.

I must've been... Dracula,
or a spin instructor.

And what if we could
finally tie a sailor's knot

in that string of bad luck?

Because after spending 5
minutes alone with sweet Pat,

We're not doing Pat.

He sees you. For all that you are.

Well, hopefully not all that
I am, I mean that would be...

Oh, David, you have the
opportunity to climb out

of the quicksand that was your past,

and stand firmly in the present.

Let us celebrate that.

Fine. He can come.

Excellent. And he's bringing his guitar.

- What?
- Well, it was mostly his idea, you know,

in case there's a rousing
fireside sing-along?

No, I draw the line at sing-along.

Whoa, geez, Louise.

Alexis, hey.

Hey. I was in the neighbourhood,

so I thought I'd just
pop in and say hey.

I was gonna send a text but um,

I thought it'd be
better if I just came in.

I'm glad you did.

I'm also glad I did.

It's good to see you.

It's also good to see you.

Okay, well I just wanted to say hey,

and I'm here, and I got your text.

What text?

The text.

Did I send a text?

Maybe... no?

Maybe you didn't. Did you? I'm not sure.

What, uh, what'd it say?

Nothing. I don't think it said anything,
now that I think about it.

Um... no something about you
being more of a bagel guy.

- Oh my god, did I send that to you?
- No, I don't think so.

- Oh my gosh, I did.
- Did you, though?

I'm sorry, that wasn't
supposed to be sent to you.

Hello dummy, why do you think I'm here?

I'm here to tell you to be careful

because with those texts,
those texts in the wrong hands,

Yeah, it was actually meant for Heather.

Heather, yes. Yes.

- You and Heath and the bagels.
- Yeah, she was just asking

if she should pick up scones or bagels.

Anyway, now we know. Now we know.

You shoulda just texted.

You didn't have to come
all the way down here.

Well no... um, as I was
saying, I was in the area.

So, I just wanted to pop in
and see the look on your face

when you realized that
you'd sent the text

- to the wrong person.
- Ooh.

Um, hmm.

Um, hey I'm sorry if
I haven't been in touch

- as much recently.
- Oh my god, please. Please.

Uh no, I should get outta your hair.

But it was good to see you, Mr. Bagel.

That's a
you-and-Heather thing,

but now that you texted me,

it's kind of like
an all-of-us thing.

So, have a great afternoon today.

Looking good, Roland!

What time do you wanna
fire this baby up?

Uh, I dunno, probably about
an hour before you wanna eat.

Oh, well I was hoping to eat around 8.

Where are we, Barcelona?

- Uh, well then 7.
- Yeah, 7 sounds better.

- Honey, you ready to go?
- Yeah.

Wait, wait, where are you going?

Oh, Jocelyn and I have
another one of those

birthing rehearsals we gotta go to.

I... just bought $100 worth of sliders.

Geez Johnny, thanks for rubbing it in

- when you know I can't come.
- You can't come?

You didn't say you can't come!

You were bragging about
being a grill master.

He really is. Did you
tell him about the aprons?

Yes he did! And I was counting on him

to do the grilling!

You know Johnny, maybe
you should consider

calling off the barbecue.

Well, I'm not calling it off!

I just have to figure this thing out.

Right, cut to.

Well, we're not cutting to.

Cut to, I've ruined my sliders!

Cut to, how does this thing work?

See, this wasn't as hard
as you thought it was.

Mr. Rose, would you mind
taking a few steps back?

Oh, what you're gonna
spray the briquettes again?

Nope.

You guys want me to jump in?

No, I think we've got it covered.

Oh, you do, oh great, 'cause
I'm gonna get another beer.

- Hmm?
- There ya go.

All right.

Well, finally. Back at the old grill.

I'd say that one looks about perfect.

I was gonna say the same thing.

Specifically which one
were you talking about?

- Just this one, here.
- Oh yeah, that's the one.

Okay, should I save him?

Oh they'll be fine.

Let's just sit back and enjoy the sight

of our two strapping men
bonding over an open flame.

This one looks good, is this one cooked?

Okay, so what else is
new? How's the shop?

- Hmm, thriving.
- Yes.

Which is shocking because
as you may or may not know,

I've struggled with
group work in the past.

David, you are living
an exciting new chapter

in the book on tape of your life.

And you, you did this all by yourself.

Okay, just so you know,

that's not really a compliment,

but thank you.

- Oh my god, hey.
- Hi.

Um, so I took your advice,
which in retrospect is weird

considering we like literally just met.

Fair enough. And?

Turns out that text message
wasn't for me after all.

Oh.

His girlfriend was at a bakery,

hence the whole "I prefer bagels thing".

Right. So that girlfriend detail

woulda been pretty
useful in the conversation

we had earlier, but still, I'm sorry.

Oh, I feel somewhat responsible.

Yeah, I can see that.

It's just weird because like,

I'm always the one being chased.

I assumed that, based on
your face, and... body.

Right?

At least you got your answer.

You know what, Rach,
part of me feels like

we were destined to meet today.

Well, that would make
you the one good thing

to come outta my day.

- Oh no.
- Yeah.

To be honest, I came
here to win someone back,

and it didn't happen.

So, my big grand gesture ends here.

Sleeping alone in some roadside motel.

Listen, it's not over yet.

Why don't you come
with me to the barbecue

that my parents are throwing?

We can be each other's
little... little daties.

I would love that.

Thank you.

- That's it, watch your step.
- Yeah.

Okay, right, here. Perfect.

Perfect. There ya go,
we make a good team, Pat.

- No, John, no, we're not doing Pat.
- No we're not.

Okay, we're not waiting
for Alexis, are we?

Because honestly, I
could eat this tablecloth.

- Medium rare for David.
- Thank you.

You know um, this wasn't
actually the first time

that I've been put to
work by the Rose family.

My first job in high school
was actually at a Rose Video.

Get outta town! What branch?

- 785.
- 785.

- Impressive late fees.
- Thank you.

Can you pass the ketchup, please?

Okay, how did I not know that
you worked at a Rose Video?

Well, let's hope that you continue

to surprise each other.

It keeps the relationship titillating.

Okay, please never say titillating

when referring to my relationship.

- Oh, can I though?
- No.

Well, anyone with a
glass, please raise them.

To relationships...

old and new.

Um, thanks for waiting.

Alexis! Just in time!

Everybody, this is my new friend Rachel,

she's having a bit of a day.

Patrick?

Rachel, what are you doing here?

What are you doing here? I've
been texting you for 2 days.

Wait, Patrick is your fiancé?

Uh, I'm sorry you have a fiancée?

No I... I mean I don't... now.

But yes, at some point
I mean we... we were...

Patrick, what's going on here?

Okay, um, I just think
I might need a sec.

David.

I'm gonna talk to you in a minute,

we've got a lot to talk about.

Who is she?

I glanced down at my
plate for two seconds.

David, I-I need to
explain a couple of things.

Um, what would be the
main one, do you think?

Rachel and I were engaged,

but I called it off before I moved here.

Okay, you know what, you
don't need to explain yourself.

- I think... I think that I do.
- No, I know you do,

that's just what I'm supposed
to be saying in the moment,

so, please continue.
- Okay um,

we got together when
we were in high school,

and we've been on and off ever since.

I don't know we always just
sorta fell back into it.

Anyway, she's been reaching out

and expecting us to get back together

for the past few months.
- Whoa.

Over the past few months?

And you didn't think
to tell me about this?

You stood in front of me
and told me to trust people.

I know.

When I was perfectly
fine not trusting people.

Not trusting people is what I'm used to.

It is my comfort zone.
But next thing I know,

there's an oversized
cookie on my doorstep,

and you are telling me that
I have nothing to worry about.

I didn't want it to
affect what we have. Okay?

And I mean it when I tell you

that you have nothing to worry about.

'Cause no matter how
hard I tried with her,

it just never felt right.

And up until recently,
I didn't understand why.

David, I've spent most of my life

not knowing what right
was supposed to feel like,

and then I met you.

And everything changed.

You make me feel right, David.

That is quite possibly one
of the most beautiful things

I've ever heard anyone say.

Um... outside of the
"Downton Christmas Special".

- It's the truth.
- I know um...

it's just that my truth
is that I am damaged goods,

and this has really
messed things up for me.

And I think I need some time with it.

All right.

Actually um,

I haven't had dinner yet, so...

I'll grab ya a slider.

More than one, um,
and some potato salad,

and I think there were some
other sides on the table,

but I couldn't see,

so maybe just a
smattering of everything.

Okay.

Okay.

I talked to Tony yesterday,

he seemed very, very upset.

Okay, how long do you think
before I can go in there?

Well, I don't know, he had 6 sliders.

I'm assuming he'll be
falling asleep soon.

My poor baby.

I told him he was out of the quicksand,

but he's not, John, he's sinking.

And there's nothing I can do about it.

Okay, don't get me
wrong, I feel super bad,

and partially responsible
because I invited Rachel

to the barbecue, but at the same time,

he's been watching that show for 3 hours

and my phone's in there.

Well, you might have to go one night

- without your phone, Alexis.
- Ugh!

David! David!

I know he will, but what's gone so wrong

between the two of you?

What's so wrong that
it can't be patched up?

- You don't mean... Yes, it's true!
- _