Schitt's Creek (2015–…): Season 4, Episode 6 - Open Mic - full transcript

Hey Ronnie, I need
the combination to the safe.

It's your safe. You
have the combination.

Okay, then I need the
number of a locksmith.

I used a guy this weekend.

Yeah, Gwen locked me out.

By accident.

Roland, why do you need the safe?

I've just been to the baby doctor,

and I have some top secret information

about whether it's a boy or a girl.

Joce and I wanna keep it a surprise.



Your wife's pregnant in her 40's.

How many surprises do you need?

Uh, it's kind of a Schitt
family tradition there, Ronnie.

Okay, I guess I just
gotta crack this myself.

It's either my birthday,
or Gloria Estefan's.

- Mucho Dias, mes amis.
- Morning!

Anyway, moral of the
story, I got a new keychain,

and I keep a sleeping bag in the car.

Okay, turns out it's
Gloria's, September 1, 57.

Who put a picture of a ghost on my desk?

- I can't believe you opened that!
- It was on my desk.

That's the sonogram of our baby!

I've been tryin' not to look at it.

We don't wanna know what we're having.



Roland, you couldn't possibly discern...

oh no, it tells you here at the bottom.

- Don't say a word.
- That's not fair!

Roland, why should I be
the only one encumbered

with this emotional cargo?

Oh, Ronnie, Ronnie,

might you and I confabulate
for a moment in the back room?

No, Moira, I'm not falling for that one.

No, I assure you.

I assure you it's a salacious
bit of Council-related news.

Oh.

Robert?

Thank you.

Okay, I'm gonna say it, we've
been open for 3 hours now,

and not a single customer's
walked through that door.

Well, I mean, I heard that
there was a storm warning

- for today, so.
- Oh.

How do you explain yesterday?

Maybe the storm warning
was for yesterday.

So then how do you explain today?

Okay, I don't have all the answers.

Um, have we checked to see
if the door is unlocked?

I think that we need to
be a little more proactive

about this. We can't just
wait for people to come in.

We have to find better ways
to engage with the community.

Or, hey, just like a way.

Just one way to engage
with the community.

Well, there's someone...
that... is going to the café.

You know why people
are always in the café?

Because they feel at home there,

it feels like... comfortable.

Okay, are you saying that I
don't make people feel at home?

Um...

Okay.

You remember our opening day here?

Yes! It was opening
day, and there was booze.

- And people are drunks.
- Yes but they still showed up.

We need to do something
to make this store

feel a little bit more accessible,

a little bit more inclusive.

Okay. Well, I am open to suggestions.

What if we hosted an open mic night?

I am open to suggestions.

I actually used to
host one in high school.

There was a little café
around the corner from my house,

it had a little stage in the back.

Drew a pretty big crowd.

Okay.

So there was a point at which you,

and some of your fellow
amateur singer songwriters

would gather and
perform poetry and songs?

- Yeah.
- For one another?

- Mhm. That's right.
- Oh god.

The occasional improve
troupe would stop by.

I'm um... I'm feeling kind of ill.

David, you can laugh now,

but... an open mic night can be
a surprising amount of fun.

Worst case scenario, we get
some people in the store.

Okay, no, worst case
scenario, I watch improv.

Okay, so first of all, I
would like to thank you both

for meeting with me today.

Was this really necessary?

That's a good question,
and the answer is, yes.

Um, I'm just gonna say it.

This place needs a tonne
of work, like top to tail.

We're talking serious,
but manageable, fixes.

I think what you mean to
say is proposed improvements?

No, I mean like full-blown
things that need fixing.

Oh.

Um, the comment cards, for example,

It's become very clear to
me that you don't read them.

They're just a placebo effect

for people who feel
the need to complain.

Uh, you have to take those
with a grain of salt, honey.

Those cards are written
by embittered people

with way too much time on their hands.

A lot of these are from Mom.

Um, but some of them are from people

who are trying to point out things like,

you don't even have a website.

- We have a website.
- No. I looked it up,

and it's just like a cartoon
of a construction worker

holding a sign that says
"we'll be right back". So.

It's under construction.

And the phone booking
system works just fine.

Um, actually the phone
booking system is confusing,

and the woman's voice was
aggressive and off-putting.

- I had strep at the time.
- Okay.

I'm gonna offer you both a
PR and marketing strategy,

pro Bono.

And if you're into it,
we'll pull the trigger,

we'll work on my contract and my salary,

and then we'll get
things going from there.

Well, now's not the time to take
our foot off the gas, Stevie,

and if we have a
publicist at our disposal.

Would we call her a publicist?

Um, I actually prefer to be called

- a freelance brand invigorator.
- Hmm.

And I also have a super
easy multi-step plan in place

for the motel.

That sounds intense.

Um, maybe we should take a
minute and think about this.

Well, I don't think there's any harm

in exploring Step 1 of the plan.

That's great, because Step 1 of the plan

was this presentation, and we nailed it.

So, as your new VP of
Marketing and Communications,

I'd say we're off to a great start.

Yeah.

I'll pass.

Don't worry, Moira,

I'm not gonna ask you whether
I'm having a boy or a girl.

Wonderful.

Roland told me what happened today,

I just feel terrible that you
are in this sticky situation.

Don't worry, I've propelled
it to the back of my brain.

You must think that this is silly,

but keeping the gender
of the baby a secret

is a bit of a tradition
in Roland's family.

I believe he said so, yes.

It goes way back. Way, way back.

Salem, Massachusetts, actually.

Yeah, his great-great-great
great-grandmother

accurately guessed the
sex of her daughter's baby,

and then was put on
trial for witchcraft,

- so, you would see why.
- Toil and trouble.

Roland never should've left
that envelope on your desk.

And now look at you,
burdened with this secret.

I mean, you must just wanna shout out

"it's a boy!" Or, "it's a girl!"

- Is it a girl?
- Valiant attempt, Jocelyn.

I was just testing you.

I mean, I wouldn't wanna break
the Schitt family tradition.

Stupid witch!

Oh Jocelyn, look at yourself.

I know. I'm embarrassed by my behaviour.

And you are being so strong, Moira.

I can't imagine just
holding all that information,

keeping it to yourself.

Veronica!

She just have forgotten her handbag.

I'm sorry, you were
talking about something?

Someone took a long coffee break.

Oh, I'm sorry, did I
miss the evening rush?

Uh, yes, one customer came in,

who was asking for directions.

Well, I have good news.

I got us a permit for tomorrow night,

and Ronnie says that we can
get around the liquor license

if we just charge people
cover at the door, so.

What's the permit for?

The open mic night.

Oh!

So we're moving forward with
the open mic night, then.

Yeah! We're moving forward with it.

People are pretty excited about it, too.

Did you know Bob does beat
poetry in his spare time?

No.

Oh god. Um... what's that-what's that?

This is called an acoustic guitar.

Right. Okay,

when we were talking
about the open mic night,

I thought that you would be hosting it,

not performing at it.

Well, traditionally the host
plays at least one song, so.

Right. Okay.

So then you will be...
playing your acoustic guitar

in front of people then, in public.

- And singing a song.
- And singing a song.

I was thinking about
singing an original song.

- An original song?
- But then I thought you know,

it's probably best just
to stick with a classic.

Yeah. Classic.

So I'm sensing some apprehension.

No, I think it's, you know, it's...

it's not scary or embarrassing

for the person you're
dating to sing at you

with an acoustic guitar
in front of people.

I think that's cool.

David, you're gonna be fine.

It's just a way to get some
people in the store, okay?

Yeah. Yes, for sure.

I mean, if you are, confident,

to put yourself and
our relationship at risk

like that, then I am... 87% behind you.

Good to know. So now
the only question is,

- do I wear my fringed vest?
- Okay.

Or more importantly, do
I wear anything under it?

Okay.

Okay, hi, hi.

This image is gonna
be used as the key art

for the new website, so it
has to be like, on message.

Yes, uh, Stevie, Mr. Rose,

the motivation here is
two small-town friends

welcoming guests to their humble motel.

Oh. Should I be holding a key?

No, Mr. Rose, unless you wanna
look really, really corny.

Yeah, like really, really
cheesy, and off-brand.

All right, no key. No key.

Just look at the camera
like uh, it's a guest.

If the camera was your guest,
how would you greet her?

I don't know.

Um, welcome to the Schitt's Creek Motel.

I'm Johnny Rose.

Um, yes, but no, don't use your mouth.

Uh, um, talk to the
guests with your face.

Smile with your eyes.

What the fuck does that mean?

Okay, Johnny, what are
we doing with our hands?

Alexis, I don't love
you calling me Johnny.

- Okay, are we done here?
- Okay, it's probably my fault,

but I don't think I've
gotten a good photo yet.

Yeah, something about this
is just not working for me.

Um, like can you...

Okay, um, Mr. Rose,

would you mind taking
one step to your left?

Okay now, three more steps to your left.

So Stevie, one other angle

that I'm playing is
focusing just on you.

You're the hook.

Pretty country girl who doesn't
care about big city things

like... dressing well, or how she looks.

We could rename the motel
like, Stevie's Place.

Stevie's Place sounds like
a shelter for battered men.

Okay, well the name was
just a jumping off point.

Um, we could use your last name,

and call it the Budd Inn.

And now that I'm saying that out loud,

obviously we're not gonna do that.

But I do wanna focus on you.

Is this a team meeting,
'cause I'm part of the team.

Uh, no we're good, we're
gonna focus on a solo shot.

Solo?

Don't take it personally, Mr. Rose,

it's probably because you didn't
know what to do with your hands.

Or maybe it's because
your face looked like

it tasted something sour. Or maybe...

Thank you, Ray, I get it.

Okay, actually, I'm
really not good with this.

Okay, Stevie, you need more confidence,

because this is all you.

Like literally anything.

Okay, I'm gonna need a minute.

We didn't budget for that, but sure.

Attention everyone, after
much, much discussion,

and a brief seance, Roland
and I have decided...

We wanna know the sex
of our baby, Moira!

Oh boy. Uh, could we hold off
until I get Gwen on the phone?

Are we really still talking about this?

Ronnie, you don't have to stick around

- if you don't want to.
- No, no I'm in it now.

Well, I'm not so sure I am.

Knowing everything your great
grandmother went through,

I would... no, I will
not be held accountable

for invoking a coven.

Uh, Gwen has stopped her
Pilates tape for this,

so uh, can we get a move on here?

Very well, then.

It's a girl.

Tammy!

- Or a boy.
- Huh?

- Perhaps it's a boy.
- Wait, which one is it?

All of a sudden, expected attention

has me doubting what I saw. I
barely glanced at that paper.

No. No, I very clearly remember,

an M and an F,

just can't recall which one was circled.

- Well, could you try?
- It's your fault!

You told me to keep it a secret,

and that's exactly what
I did, even from myself.

Okay, well nobody panic.

Where did you put the sonogram?

In the safe.

And I wrote down the new
combination on a sticky note.

Perfect, so where's the sticky note?

Well, the sticky note, I believe,

is also in the safe.

Well that, I will admit, is my blunder.

Gwen, you still there? Hello?

I'm goin' home.

Hey, so no presh,

but the hot 10 I've given you
has turned into a very hot 20.

Yeah, I'm just a little
overwhelmed right now.

Okay, um, babe, I get it.

You're probably thinking like, oh,

is my foundation off by a shade?

Am I wearing the wrong top?

And the bottom line is, maybe.

But you know what?

So, I'm playing around with Ray,

we took some shots with
my hands outta my pockets,

and he thinks with a
little Photoshopping,

they may turn out okay.

- Everything good here?
- Um, Stevie has cold feet.

Okay, Stevie, I know this
is a little overwhelming,

but if you wanna grow the business,

you gotta play the game.

Maybe I don't wanna play the game.

Maybe I don't wanna grow the business.

Okay, Stevie, as VP, and
CEO of In-House publicity,

growing the business
is generally considered

to be a good thing.

Right, but the more
we grow the business,

the more money we make.
And the more money we make,

the more likely you are to take off,

and then I will be left here stuck with

way more responsibility
than I ever asked for.

What would make you
think I would walk away

from this business?

Aside from the fact that your wife

- talks about leaving every day?
- Okay, sorry to jump in again,

but this conversation
seems like something

we should have had
before the photo shoot.

Stevie, whatever decisions we make,

we make them together.

Nobody's gonna leave you behind.

Can I get that in writing?

Yeah. We can do that.

Okay, this is cute. This is cute.

Ray should be seeing this.

Ray! You should be seeing this.

Johnny's looking half-normal.

- Hi.
- You see?

You see what I told you?

This is all it took to get
people out on a work night.

Yup, a lot of people are
shopping and drinking.

I don't even know if we
need to do the open mic part.

Oh, we need the open mic part.

- Do we?
- Yeah.

Okay.

Hey, I think we're going to
uh, get things started here.

How's everybody doin'?

Awesome.

Thanks so much for coming to uh,

what I hope will be the
first of many open mic nights

here at the Rose Apothecary.

Um, David and I are so
excited you could all come.

I see everybody's loaded
up on drink tickets.

Oh yeah.

That's good news.

I'm going to uh, I guess I'm
gonna get the party started,

right after I tune up this little baby.

Oh dear, you're awfully
brave allowing your beau

to indulge himself like this.

Okay, this was not my idea.

All right, um...

I would like to dedicate this song

to a very special someone in my life.

David Rose.
- Okay.

There he is, right there.
That's him. Can't miss him.

You'll let me know if I
should pull the fire alarm?

Yes.

♪ I call you when I need
you, my heart's on fire ♪

♪ You come to me wild and wired ♪

♪ You come to me ♪

♪ And give me everything I need ♪

♪ Give me a life time of promises ♪

♪ And a world of dreams ♪

♪ Speak the language of love
like you know what it means ♪

♪ And it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Take my heart and
make it strong, babe ♪

♪ 'Cause you're simply the best ♪

♪ Better than all the rest ♪

♪ Better than anyone ♪

♪ Anyone I've met ♪

♪ And I'm stuck on your heart ♪

♪ I hang on every word you say ♪

♪ Tear us apart ♪

♪ Baby, I'd rather be dead ♪

♪ In your heart I see ♪

♪ The start of every
night and every day ♪

Moira?

Oh, you two, I told you I don't know.

But we do. We called the doctor.

You did? Lovely.

Don't you wanna know what it is?

I'll give you three guesses.

Moira, we're having a boy.

A boy, I believe I told you that.

How wonderful!

My boy right now is being serenaded

by his butter-voiced beau.

♪ In your heart I see ♪

♪ The start of every
night and every day ♪

♪ In your eyes I get
lost, I get washed away ♪

♪ Just as long as I'm
here in your arms ♪

♪ I can be in no better place ♪

♪ You're simply the best ♪

♪ Better than all the rest ♪

♪ Better than anyone ♪

♪ Anyone I've met ♪

♪ Oh, you're the best ♪

Thank you.

Thank you!

Okay, I'm so excited
for you to see this.

This would've been
much more of a surprise,

if I hadn't heard the
construction all morning.

Okay, Stevie, you can
take the blindfold off.

In 10... 9...

Okay, just take the blindfold off.

See Stevie, we're both up there, now.

Why isn't it just Rose Motel?

The Rosebud makes it
a sad stunted thing.

Okay, it's just that Budd
is Stevie's last name.

Oh, oh that's nice then.

Yeah, except it's Budd,
with two d's, but...

Okay, well that would just look insane.

Also, I didn't know that.

Can we have breakfast now?

Yeah, let's celebrate. Come on!

Oh, um, not to brag, but
this re-brand got me 77%

on my final marketing exam.

Okay, have you ever gotten an A?

Enough, David.