Schitt's Creek (2015–…): Season 4, Episode 4 - Girls' Night - full transcript

David? My nails aren't dry yet.

Alexis, I stumbled upon Ted
in the café this morning,

he sends his regards.

That's nice. Um, what did he say?

Nothing, we merely
exchanged familial smiles.

He seemed quite taken
with an older woman,

so I thought best not to intrude.

Love that for him.

I mean, that could've
been anyone though, right,

like a mother, or a close friend?

They were canoodling in the
banquette for all to see,



so I'd be rather concerned if
that were his mother, David.

Okay. Um, in other news,

I recently discovered that
I'm allergic to pitted fruits.

- Canoodling?
- Oh.

Um... did she have like
a braid in her hair?

No, no braid. Uh,
looked more like thick,

healthy hair woven together loosely.

I can't believe he's
still dating Heather.

I know, it's crazy.

I believe that was her name, Heather.

Okay, do we have somewhere to be?

Alexis, he doesn't still
hold any interest for you?

No, it's not as if you've
been spending all your time

holed up in your room, alone.



Yeah, no, I'm just
like taking time for me.

- Mhmm.
- Good!

That's the most important
relationship of all.

Don't you give another thought to Ted

- and his striking older lover.
- Okay, I am going for a jog.

Ok, um, but you're in like a day dress.

Mhmm, I am.

Okay, I have never heard someone say

so many wrong things,
one after the other,

consecutively, in a row.

David! How was I to know that
Ted would be such a trigger,

all these years later?

A year later, and she
is like right back in it.

So you might wanna pay
a little more attention

to your daughter's life,
if only to alleviate

the weight of me having
to deal with it, every day.

Oh.

I... I did call that other
woman charming, didn't I?

Striking, I believe was the word

you used to describe Ted's new
girlfriend, who isn't Alexis.

Well to my credit, she was.

Roland, you're here... early.

I've decided it's time
I become a team player.

Well, that's good! And
as coach of the team,

I'm gonna ask you to take
your feet off my desk.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, Johnny,

I love all this water cooler talk,

but let's get down to business.

I was lookin' around this
place, and boom, it hit me!

There's a lotta wasted space in here.

I mean this should be an
area for guests to come

and mix and mingle.

Well, I don't think I
like the thought of guests

mingling in my office.

That's what their rooms are for.

Ah, but, do the rooms have a...

... beer fridge?

- Where did this come from?
- I brought it over this morning.

Joce wanted a little extra
space for the new baby,

and I thought why not help
out a buddy in the process?

And how's this helping me?

Well, you can sell beers
to the guests, Johnny,

unless of course you're
trying not to make money,

which would explain a
couple of things here.

Well of course I'm tryin' to make money.

Johnny, if it makes
any difference to you,

I've already sold 2 beers
to a fellow staff member.

Would that staff member be you?

Yes, it would. I'm gonna
have 'em after lunch.

Now the big question
is where to put the TV?

- What TV?
- Well, Johnny,

you can't expect guests to
sit around with their beers

staring at you.

Oh God... you knock me out, kid.

Okay, you know what, your
job here is not CEO, Roland,

you were hired to do some
work around the motel.

So I'm gonna say no to the TV.

Okay, Johnny, I hear
ya loud and clear. Geez.

Off to work.

I cursed those bears
with the little strength

that I could muster up.

Hi!

We're all just hanging out before work?

Was there a text chain
that I wasn't on, or... ?

Well, it's not exactly before work

the store opened about
25 minutes ago, so.

But yes, there is a chain,
and no, you're not on it.

You're kind. I noticed
we moved the lip balms.

Yeah, because we got
these new breath mints in

and I wanted to give
'em a fighting chance

by putting 'em up near the cash.

- Huh.
- Uh oh.

What, is something wrong?

No, they're just new mints
that haven't been sampled yet,

so for all we know,
they could be poison,

and we're moving the
lip balms, best sellers,

all the way to the corner, here.

Okay, well I don't think
that the mints are poison.

They're very delicious.

Point is, these are
a staple of the store.

They're at the cash,
people come to the cash

- expecting the lip balm.
- Mhmm.

I just wish they had been
consulted before they were moved.

David you move things without consulting
me all the time. Like the brooms!

Okay, well they were fugly
brooms with big red handles.

They didn't match our sand
and stone color palette.

Well, this is clearly
a high stakes situation,

so maybe you wanna close the
store down and figure it out.

You know, David, one of
the fundamental pillars

of any successful business person

is their ability to compromise.

Hm, I have to agree
with Patrick on this one.

I don't think there's
anything you have to do,

and I compromise all the time.

- What?
- Nothing, I just um,

just remembering all those
times that you compromised.

I was just thinking
about the same things,

because there, there's
so many to flip through.

Okay, last week, I let you
pick the movie we watched.

You made me pick between
two Sandra Bullock vehicles.

And you picked "The Lake House",

which was the correct
choice. Just so that you know,

making someone choose between
two things that you like,

is not exactly a compromise.

I am fine with compromise.

It's just this situation
that's bothering me.

So why don't we just put
everything back exactly

- as it was, and start again?
- So in that case,

I know that you were
planning to go pick up

the tote bags later this afternoon,

even though I'd asked
you do to that 2 days ago,

so maybe in the interest of compromise,

you could go and do that... now?

Fine.

Stevie, would you care to join me?

- No.
- Fair enough.

So you guys are just gonna stay behind

and talk about me after I've left.

You know, swap stories
about how I don't compromise.

- Yeah, pretty much.
- Mhmm.

Here's your tea, Mrs. Rose.

Thank you, Twyla.

So, it looks like I will
be seeing you tonight.

Why would that happen?

Well, Alexis came by this morning

and was really adamant
that we go out tonight.

Apparently I've been taking
too much time for myself,

and I need to get back
out there and meet people.

Is that so?

Yeah, I actually had plans tonight,

but Alexis said it would be
best if I just canceled them.

She's gonna help me
get ready at the motel,

and then we're gonna
go to the bar together.

Always the little philanthrope.

Though it's possible this outing

might serve you both well.

I'm sure you're not aware of this but,

our Alexis is unfortunately
suffering a bit of a dry spell.

Exacerbated by this situation
with... the former lover, Ted,

and his new girlfriend, Harriet?

- You mean Heather?
- I believe it's Heather.

Yeah, um, Ted and Heather
have been together for...

hm, a while now.

They started dating when
Alexis was still working

at the vet's office.

She says it doesn't bother
her, but... sometimes I wonder.

Always the closed book,
our Alexis. Bless her soul.

I've always found her to
be pretty open about things.

A closed book that falls open

the second you take it off the shelf.

That's enough gossip for today, Twyla.

No, I'm not comfortable
discussing the intimate details

of Alexis' private life,
with her not present.

Oh, I wasn't gossiping,

it was just that you brought it up.

So I just wanted to
clarify that it was...

Gossip is the devil's telephone.

Best to just hang up.

I left messages.

You did, well I didn't know that.

Uh, Donald seems to
think that you said...

What's going on?

Well, Erin Brockovich

has just started her
job at the law firm,

and she's not getting
the respect she deserves,

- because of the way she dresses.
- Not the movie!

This!

Oh, well I'm just showing

a couple of our guests the set up.

Turns out, Carmine, here,
is a big Albert Finney fan.

Roland, can I have a word?

Keep it on pause, boys.

Yeah, okay, I know
what you're gonna say.

Better than expected, huh?

I specifically said no TV.

Johnny, I thought you were joking.

Why would you think I was joking?

I dunno, maybe it's
your dry wit, you know,

that never quite hits the target.

You're gonna have to
say goodbye to Carmine

and his friend.

It's his brother, Brian.

Although they could be
friends too, I don't know,

they could be brothers and friends.

Guys, how would you
describe your relationship?

- Roland?
- Friendly?

You're supposed to be
weeding the back lawn today!

Okay, but for the sake
of customer service,

try to chill out, my man.

I will chill out when
the back lawn gets weeded!

Oh fine.

Fellas, finish it without me, sorry.

I trusted you.

Sorry about that, I really am.

I don't need pity, I need a paycheck.

And I've looked, but when
you spent the past 6 years

raising babies, it's really hard...

Has she broken up
with the boyfriend yet?

... are you gettin' every
word of this down, honey?

Or am I talkin' too fast for you?

Hi.

Hi.

Notice some of our more
discreet backroom items

are now on display at
the front of the store.

That would have nothing
to do with the conversation

we just had before I left, would it?

Oh, well people have
been asking for plungers,

and uh, you insist on
keeping them hidden away

in the back room because
you find them offensive.

- Hmm.
- So, uh,

I thought given the demand
for some more basic items,

this could be a good
opportunity for you to...

make a compromise.

Okay, I mean if assaulting customers

with the sight of a toilet plunger

the minute they walk in the door

is something that you consider to be

an effective business strategy,

then that is a compromise
that I am willing to make.

Are you sure?

- Look at his face.
- Look at your face.

Yes, yes.

Okay, great.

Well, then obviously
you'll have no problem

if I get the toilet
brushes out here, too.

Is something wrong, David?

No.

You do this every night you go out?

I do this every night.

Well, look at the two of you.

Oh you remind me of my
days at the old Mudd Club

on the Lower East Side.

I remember one regrettably early morning

with Johnny Thunders.

Okay, can we help you with something?

Oh, I'm sorry, can't a
mother show a little interest

in her only daughter's social calendar?

So, what establishment are
we going to grace tonight?

It's just a bar on the outside of town.

And how are we getting around?

They don't allow you to
drink and drive anymore.

We will be taking a cab.

No you won't! I will drive you!

Oh dear, I have the night to myself,

and I would like nothing better

than to find a new man for Twyla.

I see before me, a beautiful
young woman in her prime,

who deserves every happiness.

Mrs. Rose, that's the nicest
thing anyone's ever said to me.

And I mean every word of it.

So I think you girls should
allow me to play chauffeur

for the evening. It'll be
the black car out front.

Okay, I know what our car
looks like, but thank you.

Oh.

Before you go in,

a bit of advice from
someone who's been around.

Okay, pretty sure we
didn't ask you, but sure.

If, and when, you meet
someone who catches your eye,

hold his gaze.

Then walk up behind him,

trace a single finger down his back.

And if he follows you into
a dark corner of the bar,

it's meant to be.

Hm, that sounds super embarrassing.

It was my go-to move many years ago,

and it always paid off.

And do you know who my last target was?

- Who was it?
- Ooh.

John Cougar...

- No.
- ... Mellencamp.

But guess who drove me home that night?

- Mr. Rose.
- Yes, you're right.

And that car ride was better

than any dark corner dalliance with JCM.

Ew.

Sometimes in life and in
love risks must be taken.

One never knows what may happen.

Okay? Shall I wait here for you both?

Um, we're not in high
school, so I think we're good,

- but thank you.
- Okay.

Thanks for the ride, Mrs. Rose.

Okay, thanks!

Alexis! You're wrinkled in the back.

- Ooh? What?
- Confidence, girls!

Roland!

Take 'em off!

You're taking off? All right,
have a good night, Johnny.

What're you still doing here?

Well, I'm just kicking back a
little bit. It was a busy day.

Roland! You have a
pregnant wife at home,

it's 9:00 at night, you're
here playing video games?

What are you, hiding out?

No, I'm not hiding out, Johnny.

Good evening, gentlemen.

Jocelyn.

Roland, I brought you ribs for dinner.

Oh thank you, honey.

So, he seems to be making
himself comfortable here.

Yes, a little... little too comfortable.

Jocelyn, I don't wanna
start anything here,

but Roland did finish
work a few hours ago,

and I was telling him that
he should be... heading home?

Here's the thing.

I have just remembered
how attentive Roland gets

when I am pregnant. He is
very hands on, very concerned,

and he is just always... there.

So we were thinking that
it might better, for me,

if we could just kind of
extend his work day, you know,

to allow for some more alone time.

For me.

Okay. I understand.

Oh!

Wow! I just upgraded my wand!

Two more levels and I'll have
enough opals to buy the harp.

Way to go, honey!

Alone time, Johnny. I
just need some alone time.

So, I don't think I'm gonna
need a ride home tonight.

Oh my God, that's so great!

Because I think I'm
going home with a guy.

No, yeah, I pieced that together.

He plays soccer, and
he works at the quarry,

and we both have the same
second favourite color.

So important.

Your mom's trick totally worked.

I ran my finger down the
backs of three different guys,

and one of them turned around.

It's a total numbers game.

You're gonna be okay?

Yeah, yeah, for sure. Of course.

I'm just so glad I took a risk.

Speaking of which...

that guy over there,

he's been staring at you all night.

- Hello?
- Hey.

- Hello?
- Hey, can you hear me?

Just joking, you've
got Ted's voice-mail.

Don't you hate it when people do that?

Me too, and yet I just did it.

Anyway, leave a message and
I'll call you back.

You know, I have to say,

if we hadn't put these babies out there,

there's a strong possibility

we wouldn't have sold two of 'em today.

And a brush.

But at what cost? You know?

And the mark-up on the
plungers is actually very good.

Hmm.

Makes me think that we
should be taking more products

from the back and actually
putting them out there.

Mhmm.

Okay, no, no, no, no, no.

No! no!

Fine, I'm terrible at
compromise! There, I said it.

Like Beyonce, I excel as a solo artist,

and I was also dressed by
my mother well into my teens,

- okay?
- Let it out David, let it out.

I'm sorry that I just
know what looks correct.

And this situation is not correct!

Toilet plungers on display
at the front of a store,

is incorrect!

Breath mints where the lip
balms should be. Not correct!

Not correct.

These mountaineering shoes
that my boyfriend is wearing,

looking like Oprah on
a Thanksgiving Day hike,

incorrect.

I'm sorry, what did you just say?

I said the breath mints need to move.

I think it was something
about your boyfriend's shoes?

Um... I don't remember saying that.

Yeah, no, that's what I heard.

Well hey, my boyfriend
doesn't like the shoes,

I could, I could take the shoes off.

I mean, or not. I don't
remember saying it.

So, you can do whatever you'd like.

I think my work here is done.

And what work is that, exactly?

My boyfriend doesn't like the shoes,
so I'm gonna take the shoes off.

Okay, before you do that, um,

I just wanna let you know that
sock feet in a public place

is also incorrect.

We do what we have to do.

Hello, you!

Hey. You were in the bar?
How did I not see you?

I... I wanted to wait for you,
but I got bored in the car.

Bored, so I found a
lovely little speakeasy

at the back of the club.

Where's Twyla?

Oh, she used your
little... finger trick.

Oh! So I guess we won't
be waiting for her!

- Guess we won't.
- No.

Are you goin' back in?

No. There's no one in there for me.

Okay.

Well, I...

I didn't want to say this
in front of Twyla but...

there was a reason I
drew Mr. Cougar Mellencamp

into that dark corner of the
bar instead of your father.

I don't need to know how
this story ends, so...

Your father was with
someone at the time.

But I knew there was something
between us. I just knew it.

Whatever it was, it
was worth waiting for.

Well, that's very cute for you,

but I don't know what
that has to do with me.

It took a year.

A year?

But if it's meant to
be, they'll come around!

Mhmm.

- Should we call it a night?
- Yes.

I think so, too.

- I'm driving?
- That's a good idea!