Schitt's Creek (2015–…): Season 4, Episode 13 - Merry Christmas, Johnny Rose - full transcript

[Piano plays]
[Low hum of chatter]

[Moira and David sing
jazzy "Silent Night"]

♪ Silent night

♪ Holy night

♪ All is calm

♪ All is bright

♪ Round yon virgin,
Mother and child ♪

♪ Holy infant,
so tender and mild ♪

♪ Sleep in heavenly peace

♪ Sleep in heavenly

♪ Sleep in heavenly peace



[Applause]
[Moira giggles]

- Oh, thank you, thank you.

Now, Aretha will be out
in just a moment.

- Oh, who needs Aretha, when
we have you, darling? Ha ha!

- Paul Shaffer, you are my most
cherished friend!

- And, worth every penny.

- Oh, you guys are too kind.

- And now a special little sec--

David, you can step aside now,
dear.

Paul: There he goes,
David Rose.

- And now, a special little
secular something

I'd like to dedicate
to my husband,

Mr. Johnny Rose!

[Crowd chants]
Johnny! Johnny!
Johnny! Johnny!



Johnny! Johnny!
Johnny! Johnny!

Johnny! Johnny!

Moira: John? John, you're
talking in your sleep again.

- Oh.

What day is it?

- Christmas Eve.

[Owl hoots]

Wake me when it's over.

[Owl hoots]

♪♪♪

[Door opens, light clicks on]
David: Ah!

Johnny: Kids!
Alexis: Ugh!

- Outta bed,
it's Christmas Eve,

and this year we will be
celebrating the holiday!

- I'm good, thanks, though.

- Okay, can you turn
the lights off, please?

- No, I refuse to turn off
the light

on Christmas again, this year.

I understand not wanting to
make a fuss our first year.

We were depressed,
and in shock.

Last year--
- Less shock, deeper depression.

- Well, I was going to say,

we were finally making
some headway.

- Okay, so what exactly
is your proposal, then?

- Well, I say we throw a party.
Just like the old days.

Invite some people over,
sing some carols.

- Okay, you know today is
Christmas Eve, right,

and maybe people don't wanna
spend it like, caroling

in front of mom's wig wall?

- I can't think of a more
festive way

to spend Christmas Eve,
than all of us pitching in.

- Okay, I just don't know how
we're gonna pull this off

without the grand piano,
or the ice sculptures.

- Or the reindeer room.

- I'm afraid this whim of yours
is going to obliterate

our precious holiday memories.

- Well, that's exactly
the point, Moira.

We have to make new memories.

We have to start looking
forward, not backward.

Now, you and I
will get the tree.

David, you're in charge
of the decorations,

'cause I don't wanna hear
I've made another mistake.

Alexis, I trust you
can handle the guest list?

- Oh, okay, re:
the guest list, um,

unfortunately, Ted and I will
be unable to attend.

- Why? Cancel your plans!
Ted is certainly welcome here!

- Okay, what about the gift
situation then,

because everything on my list
requires preorder.

- Okay, come on, let's get
dressed, everybody.

We're running out of time!

- Look at you, Mr. Rose,

seemingly possessed
by the Christmas spirit.

- Ha ha! That reminds me,

somebody needs to find
the menorah.

♪♪♪

- David, we can have drinks
literally any night.

Christmas with your family
sounds like fun.

- Yeah, it was fun,
like way, way, way back.

We used to throw these
lavish Christmas parties.

- I'm sure you read about them.
- I have not.

- I see. Well they were big,
and they were fun.

- And, ever since we moved here,

we just sort of decided to fast
forward through the holidays.

- Well, as somebody who would
love to be celebrating

with his family back home,

I think it's nice that your
Dad's planning something.

[Door opens]
Stevie: Hello.

Merry Christmas, Patrick!

- Merry Christmas, Stevie!

- Do I not get
a Merry Christmas, or...?

- I thought you were Jewish?

- I'm a delightful half-half
situation,

which is why it's so annoying
that my Dad thinks

he can boss people around
on a holiday

that he technically
has no authority over.

- Well, can whichever half
is feeling the most generous

give me a discount on two cases
of wine, please?

- How many people does he think
are showing up to this thing?

- Oh, he only wanted one case.

I have my own holiday tradition.

It's like the 12 Days of
Christmas,

but it's 1 day
with 12 bottles of wine.

- That sounds like fun.

Are we supposed to be doing
anything for this party?

- Um, yes, decorations,

but even if we could still
afford Nate Berkus,

I'd burned that bridge
in Ibiza.

- Okay, but we have plenty
of decorations here, so.

- Yeah, that are for sale.

- We're not just giving
away our inventory.

- Wow. So, what time is
the Ghost of Christmas Past

coming to visit you tonight?
- Ooh, burn, David!

- Anyway, I'm sure there's
something at the motel.

Don't you guys put up
decorations over the holidays?

- Um, Nana Bud used to.

There's a box in the attic.

- Okay, so you do have
decorations, then.

- Yeah, but I'm pretty sure
they wouldn't be

up to your standards.

- Well, they'll have to do,
because at this point,

the party's at 7,
and I don't have any time

to mood-board a colour scheme.

- Okay. Thank you.

- Do you have time to
mood-board a colour scheme?

- Does anyone?
- No.

[Christmas music plays]

- Knock, knock.

- Hey! Come in!

- Smells so good in here!

Look at you in that flouncy
apron,

you little Christmas Elf!

- I'm gonna take that
as a compliment,

even though everything inside
me's telling me that it's not.

- What have we here?

- Ah, it's just a bit of a
tradition at Christmas parties

that I have with my friends.

See, we do a cookie competition,

and then the winner gets
to take home

all of the leftovers to their
families on Christmas Day.

- So cute. I basically did
exactly the same thing

with my friends once.
But instead of cookies,

it was whatever we could find

in our parents' medicine
cabinets,

and instead of a Christmas
party,

it was an old boot factory
in Krakow.

- Well, I, I did get up
at the Krak-ow dawn,

so that Alexis
could bake these cookies.

- Alexis didn't bake these
cookies, though.

- Yeah, no, I know,
I just thought that

we would say that you did,

so that we could give you
a leg-up with my friends.

- Why would I need a leg-up
with your friends?

- No, no... reason.

They are very excited
to meet you.

[Alexis chuckles]
- Just...

it did take a bit of convincing,

after the called-off
engagement...s.

But, they have all agreed
to give you one last chance.

- What?

- I shouldn't have said one
last chance, I just meant like,

one... more... final chance.

I-I'm making this sound
worse than it is.

They-they're gonna love you.

- Wow, what if something came
up and I couldn't come?

- Yeah. What if I missed chest
and back day?

Rather not think about it.

Wait... did something come up?
- No, no. Not at all.

Um, my Dad just had this last
minute idea of um,

throwing a Christmas party
tonight.

- So something did come up?
I-I had thought that you said

that your family doesn't
celebrate Christmas?

- Well, we don't, normally.

I honestly don't know
what he's thinking.

- Okay, but I don't wanna keep
you from your family.

- You're not.

I do want to meet your cool,
scary, judgy friends,

and the last thing I wanna do
is cause you any trouble.

So, why don't you just double
this cookie recipe,

and we'll drop a batch off
to my parents on our way?

- O...kay, that's just 72
more cookies to make, then.

["Jingle Bells" plays]

[Door opens]

- Oh, isn't this festive?

It's like an old-fashioned
country Christmas, huh Moira?

Picking out a fresh-cut tree?

- No, all I can think about
is the 22' Norwegian Pine

we once had.

And the protestors,
shouting at the flatbed truck

as it made its way through
our front gates.

Now that was festive.

Well, obviously we'll be
looking at something

a bit more modest this year.

But this time, at least,

we get to pick out
the tree ourselves.

Mm, smell those pine needles.

- Oh, hi, Mr. Rose.

What you're smelling
is actually

our holiday-scented
car ornaments.

They can be used in the car,
or on your tree.

Sold separately, of course.

- Looks like you're down
to your last

little saplings, Raymond.

- Yes, so we're selling these
for a special price.

- Ah, see, the Christmas spirit
is all around us.

- Oh, I'm sorry, by special,

I meant higher price,
because of demand.

- Oh. Well, that's all right.

The tree's just a gesture.

We don't need anything... fancy.

- Okay, well, these over there
are $100 per gesture,

or 2 gestures for $175.

- Let's go. I've had enough
waking hours for one day.

- Moira, can I uh, see you
in private, for a minute?

- Please, take your time.
Although uh,

keep in mind, with our
inventory dwindling,

we're surge-pricing right now.

- Ah.
- Hmm.

- Oh.

- Tell me this, Sweetheart,

have I asked you
for a lot this year?

- It depends,
are we talking emotionally?

- [Johnny sighs]

You know, in the old days,
I stood by your side

no matter how you wanted
to spend the holidays.

Whether it was heading to Miami

for Puff Daddy's Poolside
White Party,

or that uncomfortable tree
trimming at Arnold and Maria's.

How 'bout the night you
wore your fur coat

to the PETA Christmas
Fundraiser?

- I hear Peter Fundraiser.
Bogdanovich loved a mink.

- Well, I'd love it if you
could just be a little more

on-board with all of this.

- Okay, John, for you.

And Christmas.

- Okay, thank you, Moira. Ray?

- How's it looking, Moira?
Is it straight?

- Oh, straight as an arrow.

- Ah, good.

Oh, David, Stevie.
- That tree's not straight.

- Huh? No, no, no,
it's pretty straight.

Let's see what we got here.

Lights.

We're missing a lot of bulbs,
but, we'll make do.

What else?

What's this, a pumpkin?

- Perhaps a Christmas gourd.

- It's not a Christmas gourd,
Moira.

- I know, John, but you
requested I get on board.

That was me getting on board.

- David, what's going on here?

This, this stuff is garbage.

- Um, it's Stevie's
grandmother's decorations?

- And by garbage, Stevie,
you know, I...I mean...

- Oh, no, no, no.
It's... it's bad.

- What's this?

- Those would be Mardi Gras
beads.

Nana Bud worked real
hard for those.

- So we're getting warmer.

- This is all you could find,
David? You own a store!

Where...where are all
the decorations

that you sell in your store?

- Um...they're at the store,
being sold.

I couldn't just bring
everything home,

just because you wanted to have
a party at the last minute.

We're saving for stuff.

- Oh, well that's very
responsible.

- What are you saving for?
- An... espresso machine.

- You're selling coffee now?

- Hmm... it's more for the staff
room.

- I'm gonna just go
get that wine.

- It's for the staff room?

So you couldn't bring home
decorations for your family

on Christmas because
you're saving money

for a coffee maker
for yourself?

- I believe he said espresso
machine.

- You're not helping, Moira.

- [Gasps] What is everybody
yelling about?

- Well, we have a Christmas
tree,

but no decorations because your
brother's a cheap-ass!

And right now we have the most
un-Christmassy looking room,

that'll soon be filled
with party guests...

speaking of, how's the guest
list coming, Alexis?

- I don't know, you tell me!

- Why would I tell you?

You were in charge
of the guest list!

- Well, it's hard to be in
charge of the guest list,

if no one's given it to me yet.

- Why would anybody give it
to you?

You were in charge
of making it!

- Making it? I thought you
wanted me to handle it?

Like, work the door,

make sure nobody gets in
that isn't on the list!

- It's Christmas Eve, Alexis!

Who's going out crashing other
people's Christmas parties?

[Knock on door, door opens]

- Ugh!
- Knock! Knock!

Any room left at the inn?
- [Chuckles]

- I hope you guys all like
gingerbread.

- Oh, you're too sweet.

- Oh no, it was the least
we can do,

just sorry that we couldn't
stick around for the party
tonight.

- What's that?
- You didn't tell him?

- Oh, my god.
- Okay, I hate this!

- I opened red, I hope that's
okay with everyone?

- Alexis, I thought we agreed
that you and Ted

would be coming here tonight?

I know, but Ted's friends
are having a thing,

and everyone low-key hates me.

- Uh, hate is a strong word.

- Do you know what I think
might put this jolly trolley

back on track?
The release of the tree.

- Are you kidding me, Moira?

I don't see much point
in doing that now.

- No, release it.
Alexis: Yes.

And I'll put the jerry
beads on the tree.

- We're not putting Mardi Gras
beads

on a Christmas tree, Alexis!

- John, please, do the honours.

[Alexis gasps]

[All clap]

- Yay.

[Scissors snap]

[Branches clank]

- W-- I, for one,
find it charming,

in sort of a...
a war-torn sort of way.

- If we rotate it?

- Allow me.

I can do that. I'll just...

No, no, actually we don't wanna
do that.

Looks like the other side has
been charred, or something.

- Um, what if we cut it up
and turned it into garlands?

- Why don't we just cut it
up for firewood?

No this, this was a really
stupid idea,

a little Christmas party.

Something to temporarily
take our minds off things.

But clearly this was
too much for all of you.

And you're right, why start
making an effort now?

- John?

- I'm gonna take a walk.

It's meatloaf night
at the cafe,

and if anything is screaming
Christmas to me right now,

it's meatloaf.

[Door opens and closes]

- Okay...I didn't wanna say
anything,

but meatloaf night
was yesterday.

- Dear God, I...

- Night.
- Good night.

[Dishes clink]

David? Alexis?

["O Christmas Tree" plays]

Moira, have you seen the kids?
- Whose kids?

- Our kids?

- That ship sailed hours ago,
dear.

Literally, Alexis and Stavros

are on his father's yacht
by now.

Off to Capri.

- Ah. And David?

- Hm, David, last I heard
he was screaming at Wolfgang.

Apparently there weren't
enough capers

on the smoked salmon crudites.
- Ah.

I thought we could...
open presents tonight.

- Oh don't worry, I already
gave them their cheques.

- Quite something, isn't it?
- Hmm.

- All this?
- Yeah.

- Moira, come stand here
with me for a minute.

- John, you know I would,

but I've already taken
my Christmas pills,

and bitter experience
has taught me

I have just 8 minutes to make
it safely up the stairs.

[Blows air kiss]

[Piano plays]

Woman's Voice: Mr. Rose?

Twyla: Mr. Rose!

Can I take your plate?

- Oh, yes, yes, Twyla,

and please, thank the kitchen
for the meatloaf.

I could've sworn
it was Wednesdays.

- It's always been Tuesdays.
- Oh.

- Is everything okay, Mr. Rose?

- Why wouldn't it be,
it's Christmas Eve?

- And yet, here you are,
eating yesterday's meatloaf.

- Hi, John.

- Moira.

- Twyla, thank you.

I hope he didn't keep you
too late.

I'm sure you have somewhere
to be.

- Actually, I do, but you guys
take as long as you want.

George will lock up.
- Merry Christmas, Twyla.

- Merry Christmas, Mr. Rose.

Dinner is on us.

[Footsteps thud]

- Well, this isn't right,
you sitting here alone.

- Oh, I don't know,
it feels pretty familiar.

- Yes, I guess we've
established

a pretty grim tradition
these past few years.

- Well, I'm not talking about
these past few years,

I was talking
about the old days.

Do you even remember
how those big,

lavish Christmas parties used
to end?

- I think that's the sign
of a successful soiree,

if you don't.

- I'd find myself standing
alone,

staring at the tree,

and all I'd want,

I just thought, in spite
of all the hardship that...

we found ourselves coming
together,

the kids, you, and me,
as a family.

And it just seemed like the
perfect day to celebrate that.

The perfect day for a Rose
Family Christmas Party.

- John, I'm sorry.

On behalf of the children,

for myself, I'm sorry, John.

We didn't fully understand
why this party

was so important to you.

- Well, doesn't matter now.

- No, guess we should
get a move on.

- Ah, uh uh.

Oh, there's no booze in that!

Ew!

Ew!

[Footsteps crunch in the snow]

Hm, the one nice thing about
living in this desolate,

lonely place, is it can,

at times, be quite peaceful.

- Well, it wasn't too peaceful
this afternoon,

I'm sorry to say.

- Oh, nah, it wouldn't be
the holidays

without at least one good
family fight.

- No, but what was I thinking,
Moira?

Springing this party idea
on everyone

was a little last minute.

- It appears there's been
a Christmas miracle, John.

All: Merry Christmas!

["Jingle Bells" plays]

[Low hum of chatter]

- Merry Christmas, John.
- Oh.

Oh, David!

Is this the same tree?

- Uh, theoretically.

We have spent a very long time
gluing it back together.

- Scary amount of super glue.

- Seriously, nobody should
light a match in here.

- Mm hmm.
- And...

everyone chipped in.

And there might have been a few
things leftover at the store.

So...

- Who wants bubbly?
- Merry Christmas, Mr. Rose.

- Merry Christmas, Dad.

You know I hate to miss
a good party.

- See? I knew you could handle
a guest list.

- And um, just a heads up,

Ted's vet friends are coming
by later,

and I have a sneaking suspicion
they're a little bit...

But, hmm.
- [Small chuckle]

- Room looks good.
- Mm hmm.

You still thinking about that
espresso machine, aren't ya?

- Yes. Yes, I am.

- One day.
- Mm hmm.

- Hey, Johnny, Merry Christmas.

- Merry Christmas, Roland.

Little last minute, this little
party of yours, huh?

- Well, it seems last minute
turned into last second.

- Well, all I'm saying is,
next time um,

I'd appreciate my invitation
about a week in advance, okay?

- Well, if I have things
my way,

we'll be making this an annual
tradition,

so you can save the date now.

- No, that's way too far
in advance,

I can't make that kinda
commitment.

- Okay, Roland.

- Moira, it's so wonderful

that you made this happen
for Johnny.

- Yeah.

- But, we were supposed
to be caroling

at the senior's centre
30 minutes ago.

- Oh, Jocelyn, surely the
dentures have been dropped in

the glass by now.

Can't we spare one carol here,
before we go?

- Why not.
- Yes.

Twyla?

[Music ends]

[Low hum of chatter]

♪ Silent night

♪ Holy night

♪ All is calm

♪ All is bright

♪ Round yon virgin

♪ Mother and Child

♪ Holy Infant

♪ So tender and mild

♪ Sleep in heavenly peace

♪ Sleep in heavenly peace

♪ Oh sleep

- What, it's just nice.
Nothing's happening.

- Looks like you're crying.

- Oh well, I'm not.

It's just we're...

We ran out of red!
- Oh.

♪ Sleep in heavenly peace

♪ Sleep in heavenly peace

- Anyone interested in opening
a gift tonight?

- I thought you said
we weren't doing presents?

- Well, you kids were so upset
about there being no presents,

the Church had a small rummage
sale this morning,

so I popped in.

Close your eyes, Moira.

Smaller, smaller, smaller.

- A bomb?

- No, it's an antique tin.
- Oh.

- For your wig pins.
- Oh.

David: Hmm.
- Ooh.

- Little something for you,
Alexis.

[Envelope rustles]

- Stickers!

Of old men!

- No, they're stamps,
from all over the world.

- David, I know you like
money...
- Yes.

[Change clinks]

- It's what looks like 1,000
Yen.

- Yeah.

- Hm. It's like being right
back in Japan.

- Okay, okay, let's just smile
and say thank you.

Thank you.

- Oh, you know, reminds me,

I was worried about
this menorah

being so close
to the garland.

Last thing we want is to
have the motel burn down.

- Or is it?
- What?