Schitt's Creek (2015–…): Season 4, Episode 12 - Singles Week - full transcript

Alexis? Alexis, Alexis!

I just overheard three
women with smokers' coughs

talking about "Sex in the City".

The singles have arrived!

Why are you not wearing your t-shirt?

Darling, Mommy's delivering
the keynote address.

There's going to be press
and photographers there,

I think it would be a tad declasse

for the Chair of the event

to be wearing a Volunteers t-shirt.

Mkay, I'm Co-Chair, and
I'm wearing my t-shirt.



Well, love is definitely in the air!

- Motel at max capace all week long.
- Mm hmm.

I appreciate everything you do, Alexis,

but I think it's best I carry
the baton over the goal line.

What's going on here?

Mom's basically trying to
cut me out of Singles Week.

I am not cutting her out, John.

I'm merely trying to
ensure an unruffled launch.

Do you remember the last time
you and I chaired an event?

The Teenage Rosacea
Ball at the St. Regis?

That was 15 years ago!

Well, that was a different time, Moira.

Alexis has been working on herself.

Yes, Alexis has been
working very hard on herself.



She just closed a very
important chapter of her life

with Ted last week,

and still she's putting
everything she has

into finding love for other people.

What exactly have you done?

Well...

I'll tell you what I'm about to do.

I'm about to swing by Jocelyn's

and get the locks and keys
for this morning's event.

You still haven't picked
up the locks and keys?

Ugh!

Yes, what?

Um, I just walked past three

very raspy-voiced Miranda's outside,

- so I think the singles are here.
- Ooh!

Okay, with the 50% premium charge

for Singles Week, I think we
might be able to afford

some of the bigger improvements
we've been talking about.

Ooh, sorry guys.

- Roland?
- Roland's phone.

- Hey, Bob.
- Roland, hang up.

Yeah, uh, Johnny's
tellin' me I gotta hang up.

Yes, they're both here, staring at me.

Johnny has that upset look on his face.

Yeah.

That's the perfect way
to describe it, Bob.

- Mr. Rose.
- Okay.

Okay, I'm gonna put this on silent

for the rest of the meeting, okay?

Do you know how to do that, Stevie?

Roland, with all that we
have going on this week,

we'll need your full attention.

Oh, relax, Johnny. I'm here for ya.

Whadda ya need?

Um, maybe you could head out to Elmdale

and go to the hardware store,

and knock the first three
things off this list.

That's no problem. Sure.

And anything else you
want, just let me know.

How 'bout a car wash?

Or maybe a brow trim for Johnny?

- Just the things on the list.
- Okay.

Don't worry about it. I
won't let ya guys down.

Ah! Ah!

Ugh!

You been goin' to the gym,
'cause that looked effortless?

It's just a very awkwardly shaped box,

but yes I have, and
thank you for noticing.

So what, uh, what is this?

Um, this is a box of dog sweaters

that Alexis has asked
me to drop off at Ted's

for the pet adoption
thing for Singles Week.

So what's it doing here, then?

I was just wondering what
your day was looking like?

I'm not dropping the box off for you.

Okay, I know, but it would
just save me so much distress!

- Oh, are you in distress?
- Yes!

The whole situation with
Alexis and Ted right now

is very awkward and cringe-y.

Alexis told him she loved him.

Wow. Well, good for her, it's...

it's not easy puttin'
yourself out there like that.

Okay, sure.

I just think it'll be
less awkward for all of us,

especially considering
Ted now knows that I know,

that he knows, if you
maybe took the box.

I'm not taking the box for you, David,

I still have to unpack
all of these products

for Singles Week, that you bought.

Okay, then I guess I'll just,
take the box and go, then.

- David?
- Yeah.

- Listen to me.
- Mm-hmm.

What you're doing is very brave.

- Mm-hmm.
- Very generous, okay?

And I don't wanna add
more stress to your day,

but I love you.

Okay, so...

so you just said that
to me for the first time,

knowing that it would
make my day more stressful.

That's correct.

Because you know that I've
never said that to anyone else,

aside from my parents twice, and at a...

Mariah Carey concert, I know. Yeah.

And I don't expect you to
say it back to me, right now,

you say it when you're ready.

Just felt right to me, in the moment.

You're my Mariah Carey.

Okay. That compliment
could bring me to tears,

but I'm not gonna let it.

So... I...

would like to thank you
for all the wonderful things

- that you said.
- Okay.

- Wanna get me a tea while you're out?
- Okay, I will get you a tea.

Um, would you mind
just not looking at me

while I take this box outta the room,

'cause I don't want you regretting

any of the nice things
that you just said to me?

Okay, look away, please. Please.

That went well.

What?

- Hi, where are you?
- I'm on my way!

We've just encountered
a bit of a roadblock,

a hold-up, a minor issue.

Okay, you literally had one job to do.

- Jocelyn is in labor!
- Oh my god!

I know it's no one's fault.

I'm with her now, we're in the car.

Okay, so what am I supposed to do, here?

Well, has the press arrived yet?

Yes! Everybody has arrived.

Everybody is here, just waiting.

Oh! Don't start without
me you little frippit.

You don't have the media training.

Okay, can you just like,
please try to hurry up?

Because the last thing we wanna do

is stand up a room full of singles.

Oh look, Jocelyn's pulling
up to the hospital right now.

- Wait, Jocelyn's driving?
- Yes, Alexis! She insisted!

My nerves are fried!

- Stevie?
- What's up?

I think we might have to call Roland

and tell him to add "do not
disturb" signs to his list.

Some of the singles have
been requesting them.

I think that is a service
that could benefit all of us.

Hmm.

Is that you?

No, my phone's in my pocket.

Uh-oh. I think that's Roland's phone.

- Oh god.
- What?

Uh, there are 17 missed calls,

and 3 texts from Jocelyn.

Well, what do they say?

Roland, it's happening. And then baby.

And then, like a whole
row of baby emojis,

and an explosion.

Well we-we didn't do
anything wrong here. Right?

I didn't.

You're the one who put
his phone on silent.

Because you didn't know how to.

Okay, well I don't think it's helpful

to be pointing fingers, here, Stevie.

Besides, I think he'll
probably be... back soon.

We gave him a lot of errands to run.

- David!
- Ah... hey!

It's me.

- Good to see you, man.
- Yeah, good to see you, too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, okay.

Oh, good, good.

Um, so I just dropped off
these, um, dog sweaters,

for the pet adoption thing.

Okay, great, yeah.

It's always gifts for the
dogs, and never for me.

Definitely one of my pet peeves.

Yes?

I'm sorry, I just... I
just was expecting Alexis,

so you showing up here has
really thrown me off my game.

Um... no, your game is... tight.

Um, Alexis actually told
me to drop off the sweaters.

She was... swamped with the...

the launch for the Singles Week thing.

- She told you, didn't she?
- Yes, she told me, yeah.

It just caught me off guard, you know?

"I love you", it just I don't... Mm-hmm.

Yes. No, that is an emotional
depth that is very,

very out of character for her.

So, I can understand why
that would be weird for you.

- Anyway, I... should... be...
- I broke up with Heather.

So I should probably
stay, then, for a minute?

Okay, so just to triple check,

um, everyone has
registered on the website?

Yes. Yes.

Okay, just triple checking,

because the website acts as a directory.

- And a message board, we know.
- Oh my god.

Sorry, when is this gonna start?

There is a seniors' craft fair

that I have been asked
to cover in Elmglen,

but as a single woman who
drove 20 miles to be here,

I'd rather write about this.

Yes. Yes.

Um, the event... is
starting... right now.

- Good.
- Hmm.

Hey, singles, I'm Alexis Rose, and I,

like all of you, am single.

I would just like to welcome you

to the first annual
Schitt's Creek Singles Week.

Now I know many of you are excited

about the lock and key event.

The more I think about it,

the more I feel like that game
kind of sends the wrong message.

Because... it makes it seem like,

as soon as you find the right key,

everything's just supposed
to work out, right?

But life is more complicated than that.

Now, I used to think
that my one special lock

needed to be like super aggressive,

and come from a long
line of Adriatic royalty,

or have a beard,

and be really into the woods.

Then I realized that sometimes,

a special little lock can come along,

that you didn't think would
fit because it didn't look,

or act, like the lock
you thought you needed.

So instead of actually
giving it a real chance,

you throw it away

because it was too nice.

And it liked you too much, and cared.

And now that lock has found another key,

and you are so happy for it,

and you just need to accept that,

and find a new lock.

So, are we playing a game, or not?

Yes!

That is what I'm trying to say,

we're just gonna play
a better game um...

one that kinda promotes
giving people a chance.

Apparently they took
Roland's phone away from him.

I don't know!

Well... who would do that to a man

whose wife is just
about to go into labor?

I didn't take his phone!

Well, you kinda did.

Well, in our defense,
Jocelyn's a few days early.

Oh, hold on, Gwen, uh,
Roland just pulled in,

and hammer's about to drop.

Okay, okay, guys, I know
it took a little longer

than I said it would
but I knocked off...

- Roland,
- ... everything on the list.

- Roland, Jocelyn's in labor.
- What?

Wh-when did she, why
didn't she call me?

I gotta call her. I
need my phone. I can't...

Where's my phone? I can't find my phone?

- Is this it?
- Yeah, you're a lifesaver, Johnny.

Oh, well, you can
thank me later, but uh,

you'd better going, to the hospital.

Okay.

Hi, Gwen.

No, he's-he's on his
way to the hospital now.

Yeah wh... snake?

Is a little harsh, but he's definitely
slippery, I'll give ya that.

I'm standing right here, Bob.

Anyway, I just felt like
I owed it to Heather,

to be honest.

So then, um, are you gonna
talk to Alexis about this?

Honestly, I don't know.

I don't know if I'm willing
to put myself out there again.

I mean, David, I spent
two weeks in Mexico, alone,

on our honeymoon, just trying
to get my life back on track.

Yeah, that sounds very dark.

You know how many off-road
dirt bike tours I had to take,

just to get her outta my head?

Shockingly, never been
on a dirt bike. Um...

But I'm sure like a lot-a
lot... A lot of tours, David.

Okay, look, um, I would
hardly call myself an expert

on this subject,

and by subject I mean
genuine human emotion.

So, I am just going to
tell you what I know.

And you can do whatever
you want with that. Okay?

I know that your name has
come up in conversation

every single day, for the past 6 months.

Um, I know that she's different now...

I mean, not that...
different, obviously, but um,

different enough to know
that she made a mistake...

with you.

- Or was it two mistakes? Or more... ?
- No, it was just the two. Yeah.

Anyway, so you've been
burned, a couple times.

Um, have we met?

I've been burned so many times,

I'm basically the human
equivalent of the inside

of a roasted marshmallow.

Um, but I think it's
important for us to remember

that sometimes...

sometimes it does work out.

And um, even though everything inside us

is telling us to protect ourselves,

when you've got it,

don't let it go.

Um...

And I am telling you,
that you have got it,

if you want it.

Thank you, David.

Maybe this can be your thank you.

That's a dog treat?

Looks like a real treat.

What am I gonna do now?

Dr. Matheson. Paging Dr. Matheson.

Moira, you don't have to stay,

Rolie will be here any minute,

and I know how much the
singles event means to you.

No, no, Jocelyn, normally I
wouldn't even consider leaving,

but Alexis... Alexis has never handled

this kind of responsibility.

And I would just hate to see it all

come clattering down around her.

Okay, Moira, Moira, if I may...

Listen, I can't speak to who Alexis was

before you came here,

and from what I've heard
I don't really wanna dig

any deeper into that, but
what I can say is this.

I have watched your daughter,
over the last couple of years,

grow into one of the most
amazing people I've ever known.

She is a hard worker, she is kind,

and she is capable of so much more

than people give her credit for.

Jocelyn, that is one of the
most generous compliments

one could receive as a mother.

We all have fears as parents, Moira,

but at some point, we just
have to believe in our kids.

Perhaps you're right.
Where? Where is she?

There she is! Okay, I found it!

Third time's a charm!

Rolie, you made it!

You may step down, ma'am,
I thank you for your service.

Okay. Bye.

Thank you for everything, Moira.

I will never forget this.

Oh, if the drugs are any good, you will.

Bye.

Dr. Matheson, call
on line 2, Dr. Matheson.

There you go. Have fun this week!

Well, David, I gotta hand it to you.

We've already sold half
of our massage oils.

It's like you're an oracle when it comes

to the sex lives of lonely people.

- It's a gift.
- How'd it go with Ted?

I love you.

I know I'll never be able
to compete with Mariah.

Mm.

It just kind of feels like
one of those perfect moments

that you dream about.

Except in my dream, I'm
holding a nice cup of tea.

Oh...

I'm kidding. I don't need the tea.

No, I am making this
perfect moment, perfect.

Hey, it's musical chairs.

It's a simple concept. Ugh!

Keep moving! People are clustering,

and you don't want that!

♪♪♪

Okay guys, you know what that means,

2 minutes on the clock to
chat up your next new match

so make it count!

- Hi.
- Oh.

So I'm guessing the press went home.

It's a shame they didn't get
to see what you've pulled off!

Um, actually you may not be able to tell

by the way those two are
gazing into each other's eyes,

they actual work for rival newspapers.

Alexis, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I underestimated you.

Thank you.

Seems there's a lot more of me in you,

than I give you credit for.

- Lucky me.
- Mm hmm.

I'll take it from here.

I thought you were just apologizing

for underestimating me?

You can't play the game with
a clipboard in your hand.

Go on.

♪♪♪

Hi.

Apparently I only have two minutes,

so I'm gonna make this quick.

Hi.

I'm Ted, I'm newly single.

And I'd be kidding myself if I told you

that I haven't wanted to do this

every single day for the last two years.

Do what?

Oh! Oh, no, no thank you.

♪♪♪

Oh, what a handsome guy.

He looks just like me.

And yet, he's handsome.

Hey, Moira, you haven't had
a chance to hold the baby yet.

Oh, I'm... I'm all right, thank you.

I can see clearly from here.

Should we tell her?

Moira, what you did today
meant the world to us.

And we know it wasn't
exactly how you planned

- on spending your day.
- Aw, it was nothing.

So, we'd like you to say hello

to Roland Moira Schitt.

Wow, that's... the name is
really something, isn't it?

And an honor I dream not of!

Do you wanna hold him, Moira?

- Oh yeah, here you go.
- No, no please.

Comin' at ya.

- Please, no.
- Here he comes.

Roland Moira Schitt. Oh, ha ha.

Look at that, the two Moira's.

Take him, John, my hands are shaking.

No, thank you.