Schitt's Creek (2015–…): Season 4, Episode 10 - Baby Sprinkle - full transcript

Hi, Jocelyn.

Is everything okay?

- Yeah. Why?
- Um, I love your pajama set.

Thank you.

It's been a hectic morning,
David, I'm not gonna lie.

Well, I lit a patchouli candle,

so hopefully it'll... calm your chi.

Yeah, well, I didn't get
much sleep last night.

Somebody decided to do

a synchronized swimming routine at 2am.

- Oh no.
- Yeah, so long night.



And then followed by
the news that my sister

can't drive into town
to host my baby shower!

Oh.

Something to do with
her husband's heart.

Oh, well, hope it clears itself up.

Yeah, well, it won't.
That's the problem.

- Well, you never know.
- Well, I do.

Which is why I ask you to
then point this pregnant lady

towards your party-theme section,

because it seems as though I
am throwing my own baby shower!

Sounds very dark.

Um, we actually don't
have a party section, so...

- Just a streamer, David, just...
- Okay, yeah.

There's a basket on the other
side, I think. Down below.



Hmm.

It's times like this I wish
I had your eye for decorating

and party planning.

Roland's been trying to help me,

offered off his movie posters, you know,

but I just don't think
that "The Pelican Brief"

is festive enough for a baby shower.

Well, I'd have to agree.

Yeah, well, if only
there was someone like you

who could help me organize this.

Very kind of you to say.

Yeah, I mean, somebody like you, or you.

Who would just help me organize this,

before I snap!

Well, I'm sure I could help you out.

David! Oh my goodness!

Are you sure?

I don't want you to feel
like you have to do this.

Are you sure about that?

Well, it is tonight,

so I suppose you better uh, get to work!

- Tonight?
- Yes.

Okay, will the store
be promoted, at least,

at this event?
- Absolutely!

- And what is the venue?
- My house!

And are we married to that venue?

- Yes!
- Okay.

Thank you, David.

What just happened?

Okay, so I was thinking as
incentive for our singles,

we could do like, a
lonely heart's special.

So 50% discount for those
singles dining alone.

Okay um,

but wouldn't it make more
sense to offer a discount

for people not dining alone?

But it's Singles Week
though, is the thing.

Right. Um,

but if the point of Singles
Week is to get matched up,

then why not offer a discount
for singles who eat... together?

Okay, I have a better idea.

A 2-for-1 discount for 2
singles eating together.

That's it, that's the winner.

Yay!

Oh my god, Alexis?

Oh my god, Klaire!

Oh my... guys, I know
this girl! Babe! Hi!

Oh my god, what are you doing here?

- Oh.
- Okay, so...

me, Albany, Jitney, and Candy,

we just needed to get away
from the city for a bit,

and so Vice put out this
guide to the most random cities

in North America, and we
were like, lets him 'em.

Oh my god, that sounds so random.

Oh my god.

This is where you live, isn't it?

I'm so sorry I didn't put that together,

it's like I completely forgot about you.

Oh my god, no, babe,
please, it's like...

- it's so good to see you.
- I know.

So like, it was two weeks
straight of work at the agency,

so we just got in the car, and we drove.

You know how it gets,
it's like uh-uh-uh.

- Can I get you something?
- Stop.

Oh my god, I'm obsessed with your look.

You look just like a
small-town waitress! Beep!

- Thanks.
- Actually you know what

I would love like a hot water,

but if you could just
let it sit so it cools,

I just need to know
that it was once hot.

Sorry, I'm the worst.

Thank you.

Like nothing's really
changed, am I right?

- Yeah.
- Ugh, okay, babe, sit down.

Tell me about you. Like,
what have you even been doing?

- Oh my god.
- Oh my god!

Like, so much.

Okay, love that, girl.
Tell me. Tell me everything.

Um, okay, so I graduated high school.

- Uh huh.
- Got my certificate.

Um, I opened my own PR firm,

and I'm actually organizing
this little event, so...

Okay. We really have
to get you outta here.

What?

You know what, you
need to join us tonight.

We're gonna go to some random
bar, for some random drinks.

Hmm. Hundred percent.

No but like, actually come
though, okay? I'm serious.

I could use a distraction.

Albany literally makes
me wanna kill myself.

Anyway, I should go.

Please tell me I'm
gonna see you tonight.

Okay, here is your
not-so-hot water.

Sweetie, no, I didn't order that.

- See you tonight, babe.
- Hm.

See you tonight, babe.
See you tonight, babe.

Hm. Hm.

Albany, I was sitting there!

Well, it's good of you
to come with me, John.

Well, not a problem, Sweetheart.

Stevie was thrilled to be left looking

after the motel with Roland.

Of course your accompanying me today

would have nothing to do with
any concerns you may have,

about me being left alone in a room

teeming with eligible bachelors?

I have no concerns about you, Moira,

you can handle yourself.

But if you ever unleash
your feminine wiles

on those bachelors, they
wouldn't know what hit them.

Hmm.

Hi.

Thanks for coming. I'm Ricki.

- Johnny, and this is...
- Moira.

I'm the lead intimacy
facilitator here at MADLY,

and I am so thrilled
that you would choose me

as a consultant for your Singles Week.

As are we, Ricki.

I'm sure you don't get a
great many auditors here,

at the group but, we would just
love a little hand-held tour

to see what it is you do.

Can I ask what MADLY stands for?

Mature Adults Dating Lovers, Yes!

We pride ourselves on our ability to...

stimulate soulful exchanges

between all of our singles.

And, I'm confident that
we're going to be able

to find superlative
matches for both of you.

Oh dear. Oh!

Bit of a misunderstanding, here.

We're-we're looking to observe
your event, for research.

Well, we could peek in on the
experience like group voyeurs,

but it would be much more
educational for both of you

if you would let me immerse you in it.

And what would this
immersion process entail?

Today's activity is
called "A Lock and Key".

Our ladies get the keys.

Our men get the locks.

And then we spend an hour mingling,

trying to find that perfect fit.

Well, lucky for us, this lock
has already found its key.

You'd be surprised.

Would I?

John?

Could be fun.

And I know who I'll be leaving with.

All right, let's give it a try!

Wonderful.

I just have to ask, before the event,

will you grant me access to
your most intimate sounds?

No.

But we'll play the game.

Okay, and could that
be delivered by tonight?

Okay, perfect. All right,
thank you very much.

Hi.
- What's goin' on?

Well, um, Jocelyn came
in here this morning

looking like Adam
Sandler on a red carpet.

Poor thing is planning
her own baby shower,

so I volunteered to help.

Wow. That's very generous of you.

Yeah, I thought it could
be a good opportunity

to promote the store.

So, Heather's supplying some
of her cheeses, not at cost,

but she's giving us a deal,

and I thought we could bring
some wine from the store,

and Colleen's express-shipping
a branzino, so.

Sounding a bit expensive, David.

Well, we haven't talked budget yet,

but I'm assuming that Jocelyn's
wanting to spend some money

on her baby shower.

I'm assuming that Jocelyn's
planning on spending no money

- on her baby shower.
- Whadda ya mean?

Well, typically the person
who throws the shower,

pays for the shower.

Well, that wasn't part of the agreement.

Well, what did you say to her?

- I told her I'd take care of it.
- Ah!

She basically forced me into it!

This isn't even her first baby!

Oh, so it's more of a sprinkle, then.

What the hell is a sprinkle?

No, it's like a shower,
but for your second kid.

It's not a full shower,
it's like a sprinkle.

That is the stupidest (bleep)
thing I have ever heard.

Uh, also booze and fish, not
ideal for a pregnant woman.

Yeah, well, she's one person,

and everyone knows you
don't plan a whole party

around one person.

Maybe you do, if the party is for her.

Says who?

Fine! Worst case scenario,

she grazes at the soft cheese station.

Are you sure that she can eat that?

This is why I hate babies!

Klaire!

Oh my god, Lex!

Are you like, stalking me, or something?

- Um, actually I, um...
- Oh my god, I'm kidding.

But seriously, like
what are you doing here?

Um, I'm just like crashing here.

- Oh.
- Temporarily, obviously.

Are um, are you guys staying here?

Oh my god! Funny. No. No.

We have Airstreams up the road,

but we saw this sign,

and we thought it was so random.

Yeah.

Oh my god! I almost totally forgot!

I have a job for you.

- Are you serious?
- Yeah.

I just like, I can't talk
about it around Albany,

because she needs to
get fired first, so...

... basically the job is
yours, if you want it.

It's a junior PR position,

but you could totally climb the ladder.

Look, take your time, just
let me know by tomorrow.

By tomorrow?

Hm, yeah, we're gonna
get a super early start,

so make sure you find me before 2 pm.

Oh wow, okay. It's just
like, all happening so fast,

'cause I'd have to like,
pack, and find a place to stay.

Oh my god, don't even worry about that.

You can totally stay at my dad's place.

He hasn't lived there for like 15 years.

I think he started a
new family, or something.

- Oh.
- So it would be you,

and my dad's ex-wife.
But don't worry about her,

she's two years younger than

- us, and like super chill.
- Okay.

Anyway, I'm gonna call
it on this Instasesh,

but I'll let you know
what bar we hit up tonight.

Okay, actually, there's only one.

Oh, well that's great,

because I feel like all I
do every night is just argue

with Albany about where to go.

Like the poor thing doesn't
understand that like,

literally, no one even wanted
her here in the first place.

- Ooh.
- I can't wait to fire her.

I'm her best friend.

- Okay, here's my card.
- Yes.

Let me know about the job.

Okay, yes. That sounds like... chillin'.

- I will definitely uh, let you know!
- Okay.

Hey, pack your bags,
bitch! You're getting' out!

It's funny, because before
my dear Gloria passed,

she told me her dying
wish was for me to move on.

Ah, did she?

I know you're gonna find
this hard to believe,

but she predicted that
I would meet a woman

with shoulder-length blonde
hair, and red lipstick.

- Telepathic, was she?
- And tremendously specific!

If I may leave you with a bit of advice,

I would wait until much
later in the relationship

before mentioning any of the things

you just mentioned to me. Okay?

Uh, wait, you haven't
even tried your key.

Uh, it won't fit.

Now, ask me when the
last time the motel sold out,

before I showed up?

Never! Zero! Didn't happen.

Must take a special touch.

Well, call it what you will, Charlene.

Maybe I'll spend the night sometime.

At the motel, I mean.

Oh, oh, oh.

Moira!

You should really keep
looking for your perfect match.

For research. Or love.

Mhmm.

Tomorrow, more sunshine...

Welcome, boys!

I can't thank you enough
for jumping in like this!

Oh, it's our pleasure.

Okay, um, so what's going on here?

I thought I would what I could

to get a jumpstart on the decorations.

Here's the thing, Jocelyn,

when you asked me to throw this event,

you were essentially handing
over creative control.

Considering our name is
gonna be all over this,

I think it's important to
streamline the aesthetic

direction we're taking for tonight.

Okay, well I guess I could
move some of the balloons?

That could be good.
Yeah, we could move those.

Maybe to the garbage?

We're also gonna need to
drop-cloth the interiors.

Okay, guys!

Where do you want me to hang the pinata?

I'm sorry, is that
supposed to be a baby?

Yeah, it's pretty realistic, isn't it?

I got it at the dollar store in Elmdale.

I didn't even have to pay for it, honey.

They just gave it to me.

Yeah, don't think we can smash a baby

- with a stick tonight, but...
- It's not a real baby, Dave.

The fact that you got
it from the dollar store

does make me wary of what's
gonna fall out of it, though?

Don't worry, Rolly,

we're still gonna play the diaper game.

Ah, good!

Hi! What's the diaper game?

Oh my gosh, it is so fun!

We played it at Mutt's baby shower!

Basically, you melt
different chocolate bars

into different diapers,

and then people take turns guessing...

Gonna stop you right there.

I will literally do anything
for us to not play that game.

Well, I'm getting nervous,
because we're gonna need

some sort of entertainment, David.

Well then, I will
come up with some games

that don't involve sniffing a diaper.

- You don't just sniff it.
- No. You don't.

Oh my god.

Hey, Jocelyn, why don't
you, why don't you get ready,

get changed, and we'll
take good care of the place.

I am ready.

And you look great, so,
do you wanna have a seat?

Relax? Mm hmm.

Okay, is this vase movable?

Uh, no, that there is
grandpa's ashes, and no,

you cannot move it, it's bolted down.

There's been a lot of urn thefts lately.

I'll tell ya what, I
will get my ratchet,

and see what I can do for
ya, okay? You hold baby.

- All right.
- Go ahead.

Was this a mistake?

Oh, probably, but you know,
we're here now, you know.

Yup.

Where do I put this (bleep) thing?

No?

Hello.

And just when I thought
I'd tried every lock.

- You are?
- Rene.

I work in ad sales
and can drive at night.

Ah.

I know that sounds like
an odd thing to mention,

but it does separate me from the crowd.

Pardonnez-moi, senor Rene.

Okay, Moira, let's go.

Charlene's getting a little tipsy,

and things are starting to turn.

Hm, well I just have one
more lock to try, John, so...

Rene, I'll be gentle.

Oh, look at that!

It seems to be jammed. Can you, Rene?

Sure.

Okay, Moira, I think we're done here.

Have we finally found our match?

Yes, we have, but here,
locks sadly are defective.

You're um... getting a bit of neck burn.

Oh.

Well, I didn't have
any problem with mine.

Often times in these situations,

I ask a participant to go within,

and to reflect why she might
be having trouble connecting.

Connecting is my livelihood.

No, it's these discount locks.

I've tried every other one.

Ooh!

You know what, John?
You're right, we should go.

Jocelyn has that bebe thing.

Rene, pleasure as always.

You know, I have to say,

I had a lot of apprehension
when I came here.

- Let's not dally, dear.
- What's that? Here you go.

Rene, Shirley needs a ride home.

Can you still drive at night?

Sure.

_

Hey, I'm heading out!

Hmm.

Okay, now this game
is called sleepy mommy.

Jocelyn's sitting on the
couch, she's our sleepy mommy.

Now mommy's had a very
hard day with baby,

and needs a bit of a break.

And that's where we come in.

We're each gonna take turns

popping pills into mommy's mouth.

Now unfortunately,
these are breath mints,

we couldn't afford actual benzo's,

but the person that
does get the most tranqs

into mommy's mouth, will walk away

with whatever's left of
the soft cheese station.

- I'll go!
- Okay.

Boy, these have a bit
more weight to them

than the usual pills.

Well, you know, Johnny, that
weight might actually work

in your favour if you
take into consideration

the humidity in here.

Wow, well, thank you, Roland.

Okay, just relax. There.

Oh! All: Oh!

David, why does this game
feel vaguely familiar?

You invented it.

We played it a lot growing up.

Oh!

I can't remember playing.

That's because we got very good at it.

I remember Alexis got on in
from across the room once.

Oh!

I've gotta hand it to ya, David,

it's a little unconventional,

but people seem to be
gettin' really into this.

Hey, Dave?

Do I get an extra point if I
can bounce one of her forehead?

Yeah, we need some clarity
on the point system, David,

because I've landed
three in Jocelyn's bangs,

and that's gotta count for something.

- Or nothing.
- Ugh.

- Okay. That's not fair.
- Okay. On three,

try this together,
1, 2, 3.

Oh! Yeah!

So like, she's telling me
that she's going to Mexico,

and I'm like, if you're
not going to Tulum,

then like where the
hell are you even going?

- You know what I'm saying?
- So where is she going?

- Ugh, god. Cabo.
- Oh my god, poor thing.

I know, right?

Like, what does she wanna go
smoke a blunt with Pitbull?

Ugh, probably not.

Um, anyway, can I talk
to you for a sec, Klaire?

Oh yeah, sure.

Wassup?

- Okay, so I've been thinking about it.
- Hmm.

And as much as I appreciate the offer,

... um, I think for
the next little while,

I should just stay here.

I'm sorry, reset. What
are we talking about?

Um, the job that you offered
at your dad's friend's company?

- The junior publicist?
- Oh.

I just don't think that
I can leave here yet.

Oh, yeah, sure, you do your
bit. I'm always here for you.

Sorry, I was like, what
are we even talking about.

So like, Albany just put
down her dad's black card,

so shots on him. It's
the least that she can do

because she didn't come
through with the party favors.

Breaking news, we
still (bleep) hate her.

Anyway, do you want a shot or not?

It's Albany's birthday.

Um, I don't think that I can.

I have this other thing
that I need to go to.

Okay, yeah, cool. Hey, well
text me later. All right?

We can totally ditch this thing

and we don't have to tell Albany,
if that's what's holding you back?

- Will do.
- Okay.

Oh and Lex, it was so good to see you.

Really, it's been too long.
We can't let this happen again.

It won't.

Why do you guys have
drinks, and I don't? Hmm?