Schitt's Creek (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 6 - Murder Mystery - full transcript

Schitt's Creek - S03E06
"Murder Mystery"

Okay, Jazzigals,

let's gather in for a warm up!

Okay!

Oh, before we start,

I just wanna warn everybody,

there is a murderer on the loose.

- In this town.
- Uh-oh.

So heads up, eyes peeled, guys.

Twyla, are you all right?

I will be...



if I can get a few friends
together this weekend

to catch this murderer.

Until then, it shall remain a mystery!

Oh, I think I know where this is going!

It's my murder mystery
party this weekend.

Oh, I see!

Sorry if I scared anyone.

I was scared you weren't gonna

to have it this year!

John and I used to attend
"Eyes Wide Shut" parties

at the Castros'.

Though... I'm guessing
your evening's activities

might be somewhat different.

I don't know,



it can get pretty wild.

Oh yeah, you never know
how the evening's gonna end!

Or when!

Well, John and I would love to help you

ensnare this maniac,

but we have plans this Saturday night.

Oh well, the party's actually Friday.

I had a 50/50 chance there.

So you can come?

Oh, I would be pleased to RSVP as...

pending.

Just uh, as soon as I double check,

and circle back.

Mhmm.

Oh, this is gonna be so great!

-- Corrected by ChrisKe --
-- Synced by the_foe (for DzejPi) --

1:00 P.M., terrific.

Yeah, looking forward.

Bye.

Did somebody book a room?

Even better, someone might book a room.

How is that better?

A lot of people might book
a room if this goes through.

Okay, but you're still
using the word "might."

That was the Elm Glen Golf Club.

They wanna put together
a package with us.

A weekend of golf,

and a stay at a luxurious motel.

What motel is that?

I'm gonna let them
work out the verbiage,

but the upshot is this,

on a $250 dollar package,

a cool $40 goes into our pockets.

That sounds like a better deal for them.

Well, it's all about
building bridges, Stevie.

But here's the thing,

even if this deal falls through,

we still get an afternoon
on a golf course!

"We?"

This is a big day for us, Stevie!

You know it's been three years

since I've played a round of golf?

Yeah, um... golf's not really my thing.

Except there was this
one point in high school

where I got this haircut
that everyone said

made me look like I was in the LPGA.

Well listen, I'm sure you could use

an afternoon outdoors, okay?

Think of it as a
team-building exercise.

Okay.

I might even let you drive the cart.

- Can you drink on the cart?
- Yeah.

Well, I will get the
"back in 15 minutes" sign.

Well, it's gonna take
longer than 15 minutes.

You have to give people hope.

So, Mrs. Rose,

I don't mean to pressure you,

but I am anxious to know...

Understandably, yes,
BLT please, no bread.

Oh, I meant if you were coming

to the murder mystery party.

Oh that, yes.

Yes, you are?

It's just that it's the
end of the week Twyla,

so that's always chockablock.

And then there are the kids...

Well, both of them,

David, Alexis.

Well, I know you're busy,
I was just-I don't know,

I was just hoping you'd
bring a little something

to the party.

A touch of celebrity, perhaps.

- I was actually thinking bagel bites.
- Ah!

Did I mention it was a potluck?

Oh, you most certainly did not.

Well, I would ask someone else,

it's just that uh, so
far no one is coming.

No one's coming to your party?

Well, in fairness, the party
is still a few hours away.

And some people did say
that if another thing

that's supposed to
happen doesn't happen,

then they might be able to come,

so, that's good.

So as of now you have no
one on your guest list?

Well, I shouldn't have said no one,

My mom will come.

And she'll probably bring
whoever she's dating.

And he'll most likely
bring some younger friend.

Twyla, this is unacceptable!

There are myriad tactics to
boost numbers at your party!

Well, you start by comping
a few influential guests.

You'd be shocked at how many
celebrities show up to a thing

with the promise of a free Wagyu slider.

I-I'm not charging anyone,
this is just for fun.

Oh, this is worse than I assumed!

How about a signature cocktail?

I hadn't thought of that.

- Okay, shouldn't you be...
- Oh, yeah.

Okay, we're going to
start with follow-up.

You secure your VIP list,

and you work your way down from there.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Where's Stevie?

Um, I don't know, but she
will be back in 15 minutes.

What are you doing?

I'm just checking the mail.

Did you know you can still get mail?

Yes, I know about mail.

No, but I'm talking
about like, mail, mail.

Like a little man in a uniform,

with his satchel full of letters,

traveling door to door.

Um, that's a mailman.

And he comes to your house, you pay him,

and he gives you your stuff.

I think it's free delivery, David.

- I don't think so...
- Mmm!

How far into the 15
minutes do you think we are?

Okay, don't take this the wrong way,

but you've just been kind of
hanging around a lot lately,

- which isn't a bad thing,
- Mhmm...

but it's also not a good thing.

Yeah, um...

it's just that the town only
has so many ex-boyfriends

to hand out secretary work.

Um, first of all, David,

- I'm an assistant, not a secretary,
- Oh.

And second of all, Ted
is not my ex-boyfriend,

he is ex-fiance.

And I'll have you know,

that I might not be an
assistant for much longer.

What is this?

- It's Elmdale College.
- Ooh.

Ted and I have been
talking about me doing like,

an accounting course,

or an office management course,

but I think I can maybe
broaden my horizons a bit.

You've circled "Stars and Cosmology?"

Oh yeah, I thought
it said "Cosmetology."

Ugh!

Can I just... for a sec?

Here is Jocelyn's visor,

and her glove.

Oh, uh, I don't think
I'm gonna be playing,

but thanks.

Okay, you know what, just
in case you change your mind,

why don't I show you a few pointers?

I can do it right here on Johnny.

Oh, I don't think so.

I mean, a few pointers couldn't hurt.

- Oh, I-I don't think that necessary.
- Here, come on, Jonathan.

- Okay, whoa.
- Come on down.

Right there, let me see your stance,

what do you got goin' here?

Well, the set up is
very important, Stevie.

Uh, legs so far apart,

- knees slightly bent.
- Ooh!

Make sure you're nice and
balanced over the ball.

Yeah, woo!

Johnny, I gotta tell you,
you have a sensational stance.

Well, I've been golfing
for 30 years, Roland.

Wow, I like that.

There's one thing I don't like about it,

and let me show it to you.

I don't think I was asking.

Well, I think it's better
that we show Stevie,

than just talk about it, don't you?

Right, okay, so just first off,

spread your legs just a little
wider, if you would, for me.

- All right.
- There, see, Stevie?

They've gotta be like, sort
of even with the shoulders,

and if you would just
pop the old tush...

Just go, Bam!

That's it, and now
loosen up a little bit.

- Okay.
- Yeah!

All right, you know what,
Roland, I think...

I should be showing you,

because I don't really think you know

what you're... doing.

- Yes, right.
- Okay now, grip, very important.

- Yeah?
- Are you using the Vargon grip?

I'm using La Va Grande.

Are you watching this, Stevie?

Yeah, this is just a
little hard to understand,

so I want a record of it.

- Okay, delete that, please!
- Can I get a copy of that?

Yeah.

- Oh hi, Moira.
- Hi.

I thought that Roland
might still be here.

No, it seems our mayor
is keeping summer hours.

Gotcha.

Jocelyn...

it's really good to
see you out and about.

Yes, I was starting to worry.

- Why?
- Well, I happened to be chatting

with our dear little Twyla
about her party tonight,

and she mentioned that
you have yet to RSVP?

And I thought, that's
not the Jocelyn I know.

What must've felled her?

I'm fine, here's the thing.

These parties are not great.

Last year it went until 3 am,

And Twyla just wandered around
kind of winking at everybody,

until she realized she
hadn't picked a murderer.

And then the year before
there were three murderers,

and one of them
actually robbed the cafe!

Well, I hear this year is
going to be very different.

Twyla apparently sought counsel.

Expect thoughtful party favors,

themed cocktails,

first class catering.

I thought it was a potluck?

You, Jocelyn, are the mayor's wife,

you are the self-appointed
leader of the Jazzigals,

and most importantly,

Twyla worships you.

- She does?
- Yes.

This party has real momentum now.

And with you attached,

it's no less than a
snowball gathering speed,

picking up bodies as it rolls downhill.

- And that's good?
- Very good.

Well, I guess I could talk
to the other Jazzigals.

I just wish I hadn't thrown
out that flapper dress

from Halloween last year.

- Oh!
- Spread the word!

Be the snowball.

Be the snowball!

Okay, it's just that I misplaced

my high school diploma
when we lost our house.

No, I wish it was a flood.

Okay well, chasing down the paperwork

seems like a lot of work.

No, I know that...

I know that your courses
require a lot of work,

I'm just... what if it was a flood?

Okay fine, I will call you
back with the paperwork, thanks.

Um, what's going on?

Are you looking at courses now?

Um, I'm just putting some feelers out.

A lot of people have encouraged me

to build on the skills I
acquired as creative director

of the Blouse Barn, so.

Like who?

I thought it could be good for me.

Okay, well, this is
sort of my thing, though.

I really don't think
you can claim education

as your thing,

and I don't even think I'll
be able to take those courses,

because the stupid people at the college

wouldn't just take my word
for it when I told them

that I had a high school diploma.

But why do you need it, though?

To prove that I graduated high school.

Well, it's not like
they're gonna be like,

"oh, you don't have
your high school diploma,

you can't come to our college."

That's almost word for word

what they just said to me on the phone.

Well...

I just don't think I
have that kind of time.

- Okay, what are you doing?
- Reorganizing my knits!

- Oh, there they are.
- Oh.

Mr. Rose, Ms. Budd.

Yes, please call me Johnny.

Always nice to put a face to the name.

Oh, I see you two came
dressed for the occasion.

Always ready.

- I like your visor.
- Thanks, it's new.

So I hear there's quite a few
new developments at your motel.

Uh, we'd love to hear about them,

why don't we have a seat?

Oh, you wanna have the meeting inside?

On a day like this?

Sorry, did you think
we'd be playing a round?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

We-we had a meeting
earlier at another club,

and they wanted us to
test drive the course,

so... we're in the attire.

Oh, where were you playing?

Uh, we were playing at um...

it was what course, Stevie?

It was down the road.

Uh, Maple...

- Grove?
- Grove, Maple Grove.

Maple Grove?

No, I don't know that one.

Oh, really? It's a beautiful course.

Very exclusive, uh, but it is set...

way back off the road, it's...

Which might explain
why you've never seen

- or heard of it.
- Yeah.

So every room will have wi-fi,

and upgraded beds,

Uh, working toilets,
which probably sounds like

something I don't need
to mention but you know,

just covering all the bases.

Well, that sounds great.

Well, it's just that um...

We've been talking to
the Elmington Moto-Lodge,

and they've got coin
laundry, and a Jacuzzi.

Well, we can certainly put in a Jacuzzi.

Yeah, Jacuzzis are very
popular with our golfers.

Well, as an avid golfer myself,

I can tell you that when
you buy a golf package,

you don't necessarily want
to spend the entire weekend

sitting in your room.

Well, thanks for coming by.

And definitely let us know
when you've got that Jacuzzi.

Yes, we uh, we will.

I guess that's all,
that's it now, thanks.

Yeah, well, listen, it's uh still early,

do you guys have any
other plans this afternoon?

We have another meeting.

Oh well, you know what they say,

too much work...

- Well, thanks for coming in.
- Okay.

You go on ahead, I'm just
gonna go use the restroom.

Oh sure, might as well
use some of the amenities.

Hey.

Um, you know those courses
we were talking about?

Oh yeah, I thought
that data management one

looked like it might be good for you.

Mhmm, yeah, I had the same thought,

but when I looked into it,
all the courses were full.

And then the courses that weren't full

conflicted with each other,

and then everything just canceled out.

Alexis, if you don't
wanna take the course,

you don't have to take the course.

No, there were courses that
did look very interesting.

Um, it's just kind of complicated.

Yeah, but it's so worth it.

Sometimes I wish I
could go back to college.

Pub nights, frisbee in the quad...

- Hmm!
- Late night hacky sack.

Mhmm.

We got some serious
sack circles going.

Oh, so many sex circles.

Sack. Hacky sack.

We always hoped they'd lead to sex,

but... still.

College, so crazy.

So crazy.

Um...

Okay, the thing is...

I can't go to college,

yet.

Because I didn't finish high school.

- Oh.
- I know.

It's so embarrassing, and
I never should've taken

that semester off.

But I did meet Beyonce in Mykonos,

so it was almost worth it.

Didn't you say on your resume

that you did four years at UCLA?

Yes... technically,

if you consider Bel Air
an extension of the campus,

which everybody does.

This might sound crazy,

but I almost think I
should finish high school.

That... doesn't sound crazy at all.

And truth be told,

it took me a minute to
finish high school myself.

You're only saying that
to make me feel better.

No, no, me and some friends,
we just got in a car,

- and took off.
- Really?

Yeah, we were following
the American Idol tour.

We missed a couple shows,

but it's always the exact same set,

so... no regrets.

Um, I really wish you hadn't
told me that last little bit,

but... thank you.

That makes two of us.

- Good round?
- Not bad.

Greens are a little
fast, but I like that.

Me too.

I've given a heads-up to the starter.

The tee is yours.

- Have a great round, you two.
- Thanks so much.

How did you make that happen?

I asked.

Well, that's very nice, Stevie!

Thank you.

Okay, let's get our golf sticks.

David,

and why am I not surprised
to see you in here?

Well, this is my room.

Well, it's disheartening
to see you like this.

Did you know that according to IMDB,

Rosa Parks was in an episode
of "Touched By an Angel?"

Exactly, David.

You are bored, lethargic,

and practically dripping with ennui!

Okay, that's a bit much.

I blame myself.

I've set a standard of
activity and engagement

so high you don't even try.

Okay, I am on a much needed respite

whilst in between jobs.

You are squandering your social capital.

A taste-maker like you
should be out there,

tasting things!

Uh, I'm at the buffet,

and there is nothing to taste!

Well, there's a party
tonight, as a matter of fact.

- The murder mystery thing?
- Why not?

Does this town not deserve
to have a marquee guest

like yourself grace their humble soiree?

Speaking of marquee guests,

I'm surprised you're going.

I can understand why you'd say that,

but... don't you just know
Twyla would be thrilled

to have as many Roses
there tonight as possible!

Fine, I will make a surprise appearance.

- Good.
- But it's twice around the room,

- and then I'm out.
- Is there any other way?

Oh, and it's Roaring Twenties themed,

and I know you have a
soft spot for seersucker.

- I won't be dressing up.
- Aw, say, don't be a dew-dropper!

Throw some concealer
under those peepers,

make like a swell,
and go put on the Ritz!

- Woo.
- Good golf shot!

Thank you, Stevie.

Ah...

Oh!

John, are you going to be done soon?

Just working on my short game, Moira.

Stevie and I are pitching
Oak Valley next week,

I just wanna make sure I'm ready.

Well, the endless
tinking of putter to ball

tells me you will be.

Well, it's for the motel.

It's not like... I'm enjoying this.

Ohhhh!

Beautiful, see that?

Ahem!

Rose residence.

Uh, where are you?!

May I ask who's calling?

You know who this is,
and you know where I am.

Did everyone show up?

Yes, everybody showed up.

Good, then my work is done.

Uh no, your job is not done,

You guilted me into coming here tonight!

And you're better off for it, David.

You should thank me.

Twyla was set to throw a fiasco
until I exerted my influence.

Uh yeah, and the way Twyla keeps asking

about where you are,

I'm pretty sure you're the murderer.

Then they'll never catch me.

Ugh!

Who was that?

I don't know.

Alexis, we sent you to
high school in Switzerland

because we trusted you!

That school cost $250,000 dollars!

I know, and I felt so bad about it.

And that is why I
missed my final semester.

Wait a minute, we
were at the graduation!

- Yeah!
- I know, but I wasn't.

We saw you there!

- Did we, though?
- Yeah.

We were there,

we might not have
stayed through the "R's,"

I think we left halfway
through the "L's."

Oh, yeah, it got very repetitive.

No, I distinctly remember
a celebratory lunch

at the Hotel de Ville, in Crissier,

and you'd had that unfortunate run-in

with the spray tan machine.

- Uh-uh.
- No, that was-that was me.

Ah! Yeah!

Then how do you explain
this graduation photo?

Huh?

That's Jess Chang!

- What? Jess Chang?
- Ugh!

Well, who can tell with all this hair

in front of your face?

That's not my face!

Okay, why didn't anyone
come to my graduation?

Well, you didn't
graduate in Switzerland.

And whose fault is that?!

How long have you been carrying
that around in your wallet?!

-- Corrected by ChrisKe --
-- Schitt's Creek - S03E06 - Murder Mystery --