Schitt's Creek (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 5 - Rooms by the Hour - full transcript

Johnny innocently rents rooms to a local businesswoman looking to meet clients from a nearby conference, but must do damage control when he learns more about the nature of the woman's business. David helps Moira tape an audition for a horror film, but has trouble keeping his feelings about the script to himself. Alexis convinces Ted that a live stream bunny cam will help advertise the vet clinic. But the discreet camera ends up advertising more than expected.

Schitt's Creek - S03E05
"Rooms by the Hour"

Hi.

Hi.

Um, your agent called; do
you have any safety pins?

My agent?

Which one?

I think the assistant
said her name was Jennifer?

Ginnifer? Or Jennifer with a "G?"

There's more than one!

They sent you an email.

Is it a job?



I don't know, do I look like Ginnifer?!

David, your inability
to retain information

that doesn't directly pertain to you

might actually require
medical attention!

Are they sending a script?

David there's nothing here but...

"hot singles in my area."

No, wait, wait.

David, it's an audition
for a feature film!

Well, that sounds promising.

"Attractive and spunky
forty-something female."

In my sleep!

"Respected ornithologist
Dr. Clara Mandrake,"

in the psychological thriller,
"The Crows Have Eyes... Two."



It's a sequel, that's good.

It must mean the first
one was a big success.

I've never heard of it.

Well, they want me
to put myself on tape.

David, do you still have that camera?

Go get it, please!

And a drop cloth.

And a ring light.

I could probably prop my
phone against some books.

And so it begins again.

-- Corrected by ChrisKe --
-- Sunced by the_foe for KochAsia --

Good morning.

I'd like to book some rooms, please.

Oh, well, that's wonderful.

Good... good.

Um, is there a problem?

Uh no, no problem.

I can certainly handle this.

My associate usually works the computer,

But uh...

let's get you booked.

I'd like to book three rooms.

Three rooms?

Okay...

Now will that be uh, three...

separate uh, bookings?

You see, there's a
conference over in Elmdale,

and I was hoping to use
the motel as a kind of a...

breakout space to conduct
my own business out of,

for the next two days.

During the afternoons.

Okay, we seem to be...

having a bit of a problem
with the system here,

but not to worry.

Are you new at this?

Ish.

Well, not to complicate
things for you even more,

um, Johnny, but...

I would love if we
could work out some kind

of a discounted deal,

seeing as we're not
gonna be needing the rooms

during the evenings.

Okay, um... tell you what.

Why don't I go to a fresh...

page here,

and we'll get this done.

Lickety-split, okay.

- So...
- I would love to pay cash.

Whew!

Even better.

From what I understand it's between me,

and one other actress.

Congratulations, Mrs. Rose!

Who's the other actress?

- Well, they haven't found her yet.
- Oh.

But if all goes according to plan,

they'll be flying me
out for a screen test!

Moira, I was just thinking about you!

Well, thank you.

What if we switched parts?

- Switch parts?
- For the duet next week.

Oh Jocelyn, the duet.

I must apologize,

there seems to have
been a change of plans.

Moira's gonna be in a movie!

- A movie?
- Well...

I'm sure you've seen
"The Crows Have Eyes."

This would be the
second in the franchise.

- Wow.
- Mhmm.

I have never heard of
it, but congratulations.

Thank you.

Shame about the duet, though.

Yeah, we were gonna have a
pretty incredible audience

for the performance next week.

Big tour group coming through, so...

Then you'll cut the number.

No, I don't think that's
a possibility, actually.

Twyla, what if you took Moira's part

for the duet next week?

I would be honored!

God, it'd be such big shoes to fill.

No, Twyla, no.

No deprecatory mocking.

One must champion oneself and say,

I am ready for this!

Otherwise, the pressure
could be crippling.

Look at this filth!

"Community center adds ramp."

No, this.

He says the comma's a typo,

but it has run that way
three years in a row!

Who is this person?

He looks like if Ricky Martin
and Mark Consuelos had a baby.

It's the competition,
and he's selling his body

to get clients, it's disgusting!

You could probably take
just as sexy a photo

if you wanted to.

I could definitely take just a...

I don't want to.

Let me ask you this question.

Why should the person who is
performing surgery on your pet

have to have a six pack?!

- You have a six pack.
- That's not the point!

And... it's not a full six yet,

That's why I'm shredding right now.

I don't know, it looks like
a pretty smart campaign to me.

If he wants to sell sex,

then he should just get a
job down at the Dude Cave!

He'd make more money than being a vet!

Um, what's the Dude Cave?

It's the all male strip
club outside of town.

My cousin Dwayne works
there; he drives a Corvette.

Okay...

Listen, you might wanna
think about spicing up

your approach a little bit.

The bottom line is that
I did not go to med school

just to exploit innocent puppies

as a cover for my extreme vanity!

But people love extreme vanity!

And they love puppies,

so you have to give them
at least one of the two.

I don't know.

Oh! What about the bunnies
that we have up for adoption?

We can set up like, a little bunny cam,

and stream it live from our clinic.

That is very popular with
people who hate their jobs,

or are in loveless marriages.

Are those the people
we wanna be targeting?

Well, it's free marketing,

and you can find little homes

for those little bunnies
that don't have any houses.

Fine!

But if those bunnies feel
exploited even a little bit,

- I am pulling the plug!
- Yes.

Honeypea.

Okay...

this is really taking me back.

Okay David, I'll need
you to count me in.

Okay, um, from what?

Start from five,

you leave out the two, and the one.

Okay, why?

Because it's my process.

Okay. Um...

Five, four...

One.

Look what you've done!

Look at it!

Lying there, lifeless.

Yet, in its eyes,

I see darkness.

It's just a crow, Mrs. Mandrake.

Dr. Mandrake.

And you must be kidding yourself

if you don't think more are not coming.

They always do.

They're watching you, Gareth.

The crows have eyes.

And you better not look them in it.

Uh, it-it's just a flock
of crows, Dr. Mandrake.

What's the worst that can happen?

Oh, you'll see!

And it's not a flock, my dear boy...

it's a murder.

Yes, I said murder.

Gareth, murder!

Sorry, um, this is...

just one big rip off of "The Birds!"

This is about crows!

It's much more specific!

And the dialogue!

"Look, they've taken Clara!"

"Where are they carrying her to, Clara?"

Are there two Claras?!

It's a common name.

Yeah, the next scene takes place

in a large bird's nest.

Rarely is the material of quality,

the challenge is to
lift it off the page.

And I think part of the problem, David,

is that I'm getting nothing from you.

It's like working off a corpse.

I actually think you
do play off a corpse

in the next scene, and...

if I'm being perfectly honest,

this is all playing a bit big.

Hmph! Big.

- Yeah.
- And would that be a note?

A note, coming from my son?!

Who I carried for almost
a full seven months,

to an actress who has been short-listed

for more than seven major

made for television motion pictures?

The script is nothing more
than a jumping off point.

Oh, okay.

Let's take it again,
I'll count myself in.

Five, four, three, two...

Great news!

Your new partner just
booked three rooms,

before you even got in this morning.

Wow.

Ha!

Three rooms, two days,

"afternoons only, Trish."

What's afternoons only?

Well, I gave her a discount,

because she's only using
the rooms during the day.

So you're renting our
rooms by the hour?!

We haven't had a guest in four days!

What are they using the rooms for?

Well, she didn't say,

Just conducting her
business out of them.

Right, and you know what that means.

- No.
- Yeah.

No, I-I don't believe you.

Let me guess, this has something to do

with the accountants conference?

Yes.

No, no, you're mistaken.

Stevie, she would've
disclosed that information

if that were the case!

- Really?
- No...

But look, if it makes
you feel any better,

we'll go and check it out.

But when it turns out I'm right,

and it's just a group
of business professionals

decompressing for a few hours,

during a... long day at a regional
accountants' conference,

then I expect a full apology.

You don't hear it, when
you say it like that?

I hear it a bit.



- Hi.
- Come look at this,

look at the bunnies!

Oh...

Cute!

This isn't one of those
animal rights viral videos

where the bunnies go through

a meat processor in the end, is it?

Ew, no, David.

I set this up to get people
to visit Ted's website.

Poor thing is, like, out of it

when it comes to selling himself.

There are 200 people
watching this, David!

That's like, double
your Instagram followers.

Okay, my account is private, thanks.

Mhmm...

There's Ted.

Yeah, sometimes he comes in and out.

Um...

Ted is taking his clothes off.

You wish, David.

No, Ted is getting naked on your webcam!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

I emailed our entire client
list about this, David!

I emailed his parents!

I'm obsessed with this.

This is incredible!

No, no, no, no, no, no!

- Ted looks good.
- Yeah, he does.

- David, he looks really good.
- Okay, that's gross.

Okay, so...

David!

Oh, hi.

Hi. Uh, I and my associate,

just wanted to... come
by and check on you,

and see how you're enjoying
your... multiple room stay?

Oh, we're doing just fine, thank you.

Good, good, good.

Because we've heard through
the rumor mill that um...

there have been some
unannounced visitors

staying in the rooms we rented you.

Visitors who may be engaging in mature,

if not... adult activities.

And?

And that's something we didn't discuss.

Miss, if I were to tell you...

Oh no, no, I got it immediately,

and I wasn't even there, so.

Okay, well unfortunately,

we're gonna have to
ask you to shut it down.

Oh, you have nothing to
worry about, Mr. Rose.

We're a very high-end operation,

and very discreet.

Besides, people are
making love in these rooms,

whether they rent by the day,

the week, or the hour.

Yeah...

Yeah, well...

Point taken.

Wow.

Hey, you know, I've tried to add

an extra half hour to my morning run,

but my body just isn't having it.

- Well, you look great.
- Thanks.

Um, about the bunny cam...

I know, it's a huge hit!

We've gotten like nine
new customers overnight!

And some of them don't even have pets,

they just want to discuss whether or not

they should get a pet.

Ted, the camera can see you.

Okay, so should I like,

wave or something, next time?

Nope, the camera can see you...

like, after your run.

Oh.

Oh no, why didn't you tell
me the camera could see me

when I get back from my runs?!

I just noticed!

Actually, David noticed
first last night,

but that's exactly when
there is a huge spike

in the website.

- I'm worse than Dr. Miguel!
- No, you didn't know!

Although there was a moment last night,

where it looked like
you might have known,

and you were doing this like,

- thing with your hips.
- Alexis!

No, I know, of course you didn't know.

Of course!

Um, don't worry, I'm gonna
take it down right now.

W-Wait.

You said you saw a spike
in the website views?

People were very concerned
as to whether or not

you would get your
pants on successfully.

Well...

who's to say that
people weren't watching

for the bunnies?

I am, that's what I'm saying.

I feel that until
these guys are adopted,

we can't take it down,
that'd be bad for business,

for the bunnies' sake.

I'll just have to be
more careful next time.

Um hello, who are you,

and what did you do
with Theodore Mullins?

Well, what can I say,

sometimes I like to live dangerously.

While still respecting
my personal boundaries.

Yes.

David!

So what is it?

- It's an email.
- Mhmm!

Subject line, "The Crows Have Eyes II."

- Mhmm.
- And?

I don't know, I'd like
you to read it, please.

- You booked it.
- Ohhhh!

David! I did?

What'd they say about me?

They need you to sign the contract!

Well, that's standard!

What are the terms?

Ooh, it's filming in Bosnia!

Um, in a city that I don't,

I don't know the name of the city,

I can't pronounce it,
a lot of consonants.

I did not know that.

But I've always loved
shooting on location,

it allows one to focus on the work.

Hmm, it's being released in Bosnia,

Croatia,

Herzegovina.

Before opening internationally!

You have to fly yourself there?

Mmm, that doesn't sound right.

Ooh, accommodation is covered.

Thank God!

You'll be put up with a local family.

Close to the set?

They're paying you scale.

But it'll be in Baltic currency,

do you want me to keep going?

No, read to yourself.

- There's a death waiver?!
- Ohh!

You can close the computer.

Yeah, but we haven't
even gotten to the section

on bird safety yet!

Shut it! Now.

What if...

Hmm.

No, thank you.

Have a nice rest of the day.

Hey Johnny, wow!

This place is hopping!

Yeah, well, it's uh,
it's been a busy week.

Uh huh, you know, I gotta tell you,

when I first heard that
Stevie was hitching her wagon

to your cart,

the first thing that
came into my mind was,

whoooa, Nelly!

That horse is in big trouble.

A convoluted metaphor, but um...

But I've gotta say,
you've proven me wrong,

I mean, obviously, you're
doing something right here.

Yeah, well, once again,

thanks for coming by, Roland.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Johnny, look.

I know it makes you uncomfortable

when somebody gets real... with you,

but could we just have one
minute when I compliment you,

and you don't go all,

"Ooh Roland, my generation,

we don't talk about our feelings,

we keep 'em all rawrrr inside!"

Yeah well, that's not
it, but once again,

thanks for coming by.

Hey, one of you guys Ken?

Ken? No.

Hi.

I'm Roland, Roland Schitt, mayor.

- Roland Schitt.
- Kitty.

Kitty, how are you?

Are you enjoying your stay in our town?

- It's been really good, Mhmm.
- Oh...

Hmm.

So Roland look, why don't
we head down to the office,

if we uh, wanna chat.

Who's Ken?

Well, Ken is probably her husband.

Uh huh, and she doesn't
know what he looks like?

- Gentlemen.
- Uhhh...

Ah.

- Excuse me.
- You betcha.

Oh, Johnny.

Well, I see why you've
had such a great week.

Okay, I don't know what you're implying,

But I don't like your tone.

Johnny, please.

This little operation has
been on the council's radar

for quite a while now,

And I'm sorry, but that
was no Sunday school teacher

coming outta here!

Okay look, this whole
thing was a mistake.

This whole thing!

But I'm working on it,

I'm working to shut it down, quickly.

Well, I'm really happy to hear that,

because I would hate to have
to assert my mayoral authority

in a situation like this, yes?

Yeah, and nobody wants to
avoid that more than me.

Good, okay.

Well, you know what, I'm
glad I helped you fix your uh,

broken moral compass.

Well, there's nothing wrong
with my moral compass, but...

All right, well, why
don't we tell Kitty that?

Ah, I'd love to see that!

So, I was thinking for the chorus...

- Yeah?
- We could sway,

like we're actually
islands in the stream.

Oh yeah, that's good.

Hi, I'm here!

Moira, what about your big movie?

Oh that, they're still hounding me,

but... I took a moment to stop and think

about what is really important in life,

and while the Bosnian
Riviera is a majestic locale,

it can't hold a candle
to singing... with you

wonderful working women here,

in our makeshift rehearsal studio.

Well, I'm flattered,

but Twyla's been working
on your part for the duet,

and I really don't
think that that would be

in the spirit of things
to take that from her.

But the song was my idea, Jocelyn.

John and I made David to that song,

in Positano.

Hey, why don't we just
show you how we're doing,

and you can offer up
some professional advice,

for now.

Okay.

♪ From one lover to another ♪

♪ Uh huh

♪ Islands in the stream

♪ That is what we are ♪

♪ K-H-E-O-K! ♪

♪ No one in between ♪

♪ How can we be wrong ♪

♪ Sail away with me
to another world ♪

♪ We'll be lying with
each other, uh huh ♪

♪ Uh huh ♪

-- Corrected by ChrisKe --
-- Schitt's Creek - S03E05 - Rooms by the Hour --