Schitt's Creek (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 4 - Driving Test - full transcript

Schitt's Creek - S03E04
"Driving Test"

Well, what do you think
of the new wheels?

Do you want my honest opinion?

- Or...
- You got your wallet?

Um, I have my debit card.

And what about your license?

- What about it?
- Do you have it?

It's fine.

It was a yes or no question.

Okay, yes, it's fine.

We're going up the street,
I don't need my license.



David, we just insured the car,

and you can't drive it unless
you have your license on you,

so could you go get it, please?

It's expired.

- When did your license expire?!
- I don't know!

Like, last month.

Then you're not driving!

Well, I drove the car yesterday!

- Well, that's illegal, David!
- Argh!

You need to go renew your license!

Are you guys done with the car?

No, we're just leaving.

Okay, 'cause it looks
like you're getting out.

We're changing seats because
David's license is expired.



Oh no!

And it took him like, 16
tries to get it last time.

It didn't take me 16 tries!

I failed the written test twice,

and then took the
driving test, and passed!

And then your learner's permit expired,

and you had to do the
written test again,

which you... failed.

Oh, I remember this!

You had to start from scratch,

and you failed the
practical two more times.

God! Moira: Oh, the poor thing
has crippling test anxiety.

We all know that.

Who has the keys? I need the car.

Well, we're using the
car right now, sweetheart.

David, would you drive your
mummy to Town Hall, please?

He can't drive, his license is expired.

Okay, I will drive.

You got your wallet?

It's fine.

-- Corrected by ChrisKe --
-- The Foe is a sync guy (for Boba) --

- Ugh!
- Oooh!

So many boxes.

And most of them are
filled with paperwork

I have to go through,

so I'm just hoping I contract
some deadly lung infection

from the dust before I
have to open another one.

Um well, I wouldn't
really worry about it,

I managed several galleries,

and never once looked
at the paperwork, so.

It either all comes
together, or it doesn't.

Ultimately.

Did it ever come together?

Um, I think we're getting sidetracked.

The upside is that you
are your own boss now!

Or I'm the owner of a very sad business

with one under-performing employee.

Okay, what I find helpful
when I get overwhelmed

is actually taking a step away

for like, 15 minutes to an hour,

to um, to maybe two hours,

and ah, helping... people.

I feel like there's a request coming on.

Mm, not so much a request,

as it is an opportunity.

I am looking for a very lucky person

to drive me to my driver's test.

Oh yeah, that's not
gonna happen right now.

Um, I guess you're right.

I should probably be helping you.

I would love to run some errands,

or you know, maybe pick something up,

I just-I just need a
valid driver's license.

The test is this afternoon.

And I'm very anxious about it.

And need a lift.

Um... you know what?

I don't think this
is a good time to ask.

Hmm, that's really perceptive.

Um, I'm gonna find someone
with a little more time...

- on their hands.
- Okay.

Okay...

I don't know why you
didn't ask me first, David.

I have my license in
seven different countries,

And I have my "F" Class.

Isn't that for transport trucks?!

Yes, well, I had a
lot of people to move!

Anyway, it's not a big deal.

You just get in, you
do what they tell you,

and then you get out.

And wear your best hair perfume.

Okay, I don't have hair perfume,

and not all of us can flirt our way

into getting a driver's license!

Okay, you try parallel
parking in a burka, David.

No amount of flirting
can get you out of that,

trust me!

Okay, the big difference is that nothing

seems to give you anxiety,

which is actually sort of concerning.

Oh, that reminds me,

can you hold the wheel for a second,

- I need to check my phone.
- Oh my God!

I'll tell you what's
not helping me right now!

- This!
- Hey, relax, David.

I once had a 7-year-old
drive me around Mumbai,

so I'm pretty sure you're
cool to steer for a sec.

- Ugh!
- Okay.

Okay!

Breaths!

Breaths!

Oh Stevie, I don't mean to bother you,

but um, there's a leaky faucet

in David and Alexis' bathroom.

And this is a pressing issue for you?

Well, it's just that when
you're in our bathroom,

you can hear it clear as day,

I mean, it's almost
like it's happening...

in our bathroom.

But it's not.

So I'm just gonna finish this first.

- Hi.
- And...

Stevie, I'll need
your telephone, please.

- Sure.
- Along with the number for a plumber.

The faucet is dripping
in David and Alexis' room.

It's exasperating,

the incessant tap, tap, tap...

Oh, it's so irritating, Stevie, it...

But maybe this is uh...

not a good time.

Oh, boy troubles, no doubt.

We don't want to intrude, dear,

just when you can, plumber, please.

Or get someone else to do it, Stevie,

because... you are the owner now.

Yeah!

And I don't know what I'm doing!

Oh! None of us do, dear!

We're all just muddling
through, aren't we?

I mean, look at John.

Why look at me?!

I'm saying, even someone with a history

of wild success can experience
a downtick now and then.

Well, I didn't realize
I had a downtick, Moira.

Just, I don't know what to do,

do I sell the motel?

Sell the motel? No, no!

No, no, that's not something
you should be thinking about.

- Mmm!
- I mean, I can't keep it!

Okay Stevie, allow me to get you a pill.

It's going to make you
forget every last one

of those irrational thoughts
for at least two days!

Yes, and Stevie, if you
need any help at all,

please, feel free to come by our room.

Well, I'll be at work.

But John will be there,

implementing and strategizing.

And honestly, the drip
is just uh, you know,

a wish list project,
lowest of priorities.

I'm-I just need a
minute, and I'll do it.

- Sure, yes, of course.
- Oh, Stevie.

Courage!

Whoa!

John, you don't really think
she'd sell the place, do you?

It would not bode
well for us if she did.

Okay, I'm gonna need you
to step out of the car

for 20 minutes, so that I can
do my transcendental meditation

before I fail this test.

Okay, you are acting all
sorts of crazy right now.

This honestly does not matter.

Nobody cares.

Uh, people care.

I care, the driving
examiner person cares.

No, he doesn't.

Trust me, people aren't
thinking about you

the way that you're thinking about you.

What does that mean?

You always over think everything,

and that's why you fail all the time.

Thank you, Alexis.

Well, it's true!

Okay, just because
everything falls in your lap,

doesn't mean it falls
in everyone else's.

What does?!

- What?
- What falls in my lap?

Stuff! Things. Opportunities.

Things don't fall in my lap!

Okay, I'm just saying,

that you've always just gotten stuff,

without realizing that other
people don't skate through life

the same way you do.

I don't skate through life David,

I walk through life.

In really nice shoes.

And I'm sorry if that
rubs you the wrong way,

but maybe if you could
just relax for a second,

and stop worrying about everything,

everything would be easier for you!

And what I'm saying
is that things haven't

been as easy for me as
they've been for you!

Um, yes, they have!

No, they haven't!

And now I'm even more stressed out

than when I got in the stupid car!

Thank you very much
for your help, Alexis.

Hey!

I'm the one that's
supposed to be getting out

of the stupid car, David!

The driving man's coming!

Oh my God!

David?

Nobody cares.

- I got it!
- Okay!

Hey, Stevie.

Good news,

I fixed the drip in David
and Alexis' bathroom,

so you can check that off your list.

Thank you.

You know, to be honest
it's more a temporary fix,

I put a sandwich bag over the faucet,

and secured it with...

an elastic.

Oh okay, won't the drips...

fill up the sandwich bag?

Well, like I said, it's temporary,

uh, but it might buy you a little time.

A little.

Ooh! A ledger?

I haven't seen one of these in a while.

Aha, well, at first glance,

what you think of say,

charging for late check outs?

Yeah, again, that would assume

that we had guests to check out.

Well, there's a solution
to everything, Stevie,

and when that idea comes,

it's going to appear...

so obvious.

Well, I mean, I did
think that I could start

charging full price to
the long term guests here.

And sometimes it's the
second or third idea

that's really the keeper.

- Hey.
- Afternoon.

Oh, Moira's in early.

Oh, just catching up on my reading.

Well, we'll leave you to it.

Oh dear, that's a shame.

That's a real shame!

The old pulp mill in Elmdale, torn down.

That reminds me, I gotta
check out the new pulp mill.

I hear it's breathtaking.

But surely the old
pulp mill had its charm,

and it was an historic landmark.

Where'd you find that article?!

The old pulp mill closed
down what, two years ago?

Well, it just makes one think,

might there be a building
struggling in our town

that could, with the
aid of municipal funds,

avoid befalling a similar fate?

Like the library.

Gwen does all her internet stuff there,

you know, she worries about
people tracing her IP address.

I was thinking of
another worthy landmark,

the motel.

Oh, that sounds like
more of a personal issue.

Oh, it's very personal, for Stevie.

The poor thing is a wreck.

Inheriting the motel,
feeling lost and alone.

She even threatened to sell the place!

A pitiable creature, that's what she is.

John and I, we both
threw our arms around her,

figuratively speaking,

and we said, the people of this town,

and Council in particular,

will not let this
business go under, Stevie.

For your sake, Stevie!

I thought you were
against giving town funds

to heritage projects.

Yeah, when we wanted to
restore the war memorial,

you said we should avoid taking sides.

But this cause affects everyone.

We all know, or are,

people who live in the motel.

In closing, I move that
we free up heritage funds

for the motel, effective immediately,

all in favor, say Aye.

Ronnie, you're with me?

I see that you're scratching.

Bob! You're making a note!

Oh, just writing uh,
"visit new pulp mill."

Yeah, Roland got me thinking.

I hear the floors are so clean,

you can eat your lunch off them.

I laid those floors.

Okay, Derek.

You are gonna make a turn up ahead.

Uh, it's David.

Oh yep, sorry about that.

Um, I just didn't want
you thinking you had gotten

in the wrong car.

- Rose, David?
- Yes.

Sorry, it's been a long day.

Um, so a left or a right?

What?

You said there's a turn coming up,

do you want a left
turn, or a right turn?

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, it's a left.

- Okay.
- But when I tell you to make a left.

Okay. Um, can I ask you a question?

Uh yep, failure to
signal will be counted.

Um, how old are you?

- Twenty-eight.
- Mhmm, and is this like,

what you would like to do for a career?

Well, I uh, I DJ on the weekends.

- Ah.
- Why?

So you don't really care about this.

Like, about me, in the car.

I mean, you care in the
sense that it's your job,

but you don't-you don't
care about this, do you?

I've done like, eight of these today.

Is that a problem?

No.

Oh, there she is, back from council.

Any chance of a bailout?

I was very persuasive.

And there were lots of questions,

that shows engagement.

Good, 'cause even with
just a little cash flow,

I think Stevie can get
this motel back on its feet.

- Excellent.
- Yes.

And if she can get let's say,

a volume discount on paper products,

or offer deals on last
minute bookings, then...

Well, it sounds to me
like we may not even need

those funds from Council.

Oh, no, no, we need the funds,

that's for sure, but I'm just saying,

if she took some of my suggestions...

Stop!

I want to remember this moment.

What moment?

I haven't seen you this
excited in a very long time.

No, I'm just thinking of Stevie,

and... listen,

how much money do you think
we can get from council?

Well, now I'm wondering if that money

might not just complicate things.

Look how much you've achieved
with your back to the wall.

Necessity drives invention,

and far be it from me to
rob you of your necessity!

Well, I'm not thinking of
getting that involved, Moira,

I'm just offering a bit of advice.

You've been looking for a project, John.

Well, not running a motel,
Moira, that's a commitment

Or not! Go!

Go tell Stevie of your decision.

What decision?

And I'll instruct Council
to save their largesse

for a more worthy charity.

You didn't get the money, did you?

Go, John!

Before the passion dies again!

So I assume you got your license,

and you're not just
driving us home illegally.

- I did.
- Good.

I know.

And how was your tester
guy, was he a monster?

He was fine.

Slightly distracted.

Transitioning to a career as a DJ,

but apparently none of
the venues around here

could handle his sound...

See? I told you.

He didn't care.

You never trust me!

- Yes, I do.
- No, you don't!

Yes, I do.

No, and you never take my advice.

And I'm always the
last person you turn to.

What do you want me to say?

Well like, what makes me
different than Stevie or Mom?

You trust them with stuff.

Okay, you wanna talk trust?!

Stevie and Mom weren't
running around the world

for a decade and a half with random men,

leaving me at home to wonder
whether they were okay!

Well, I'm sorry for having fun, David.

With a selection of very
confident international men.

- But I was always okay.
- Were you?!

Because I was the one at the consulate

sending you temporary passports,

and colored contacts lenses
whenever you needed them.

I was the one at home,

not having fun because I was...

constantly worried
which East Asian palace

Alexis was being held
hostage in this week.

Not Mom and Dad.

Me!

Well, you didn't have to worry about me.

Well, I did.

As your realtor I would take pictures,

arrange viewings,

dress each room with
complimentary baskets

of plastic foods.

Okay, and if we're going to do this,

what would the timeline be like?

The sooner the better, I
have my camera in the car.

What's going on?

Ray and I are just discussing...

Selling the motel.

I have to weigh all
the options, Mr. Rose.

Yeah, I thought we talked about this?

Ray came to me.

There's never been a
better time to sell a motel.

It's a terrible time to sell this motel.

Either way, in reality,

it's always best to tell the
client what they want to hear.

Yeah, but I think
selling is not necessarily

the best way to solve a problem.

Maybe we should discuss
this at a later date,

or um, when Mr. Rose has left the room.

Well, I'm not leaving,

and Stevie's not selling.

I might be selling.

I-I can't do this on my own, so.

Well, maybe not on your own, but um...

what if you had a partner?

Stevie, as your agent,

I would advise against
partnering with somebody

who has no capital,

no contacts, no industry experience.

Well, thank you, Ray, but
I did run a big corporation,

and I'm perfectly
capable of handling this.

And I think it's...

something I wanna do.

Oh well, this is all very exciting.

However, if any of this
falls through for any reason,

perhaps one of the ones I mentioned,

then... do give me a call.

Well, Stevie's not selling.

- Here's my card.
- Yeah. Okay.

You don't have to do this, Mr. Rose.

Well, it's not charity, Stevie.

I mean...

I'll take a percentage of the profits,

if and when this place ever sees any.

You're actually serious?

I'm getting more serious by the second.

Any help you need,
accounting, sales, marketing...

Plumbing?

Plumbing, yes, it might keep
me away from the books, but...

Oh, thank you so much!

Oh! I'm sorry.

Oh my gosh.

Yeah I just feel like the
whole session was rushed

Like, there was no back lighting,

or emotional direction.

Nobody likes their driver's
license photo, David.

Okay yeah, I was just hoping
I would get some options.

- Well...
- Ohhh!

It's done.

Have you been in
there the whole time?!

The sink doesn't fix itself.

Moira? Kids?

Check it out.

Ugh.

Okay kids, give it a spin.

Ahem.

You changed it so that the hot water

comes out of the cold water tap?

No, I fixed the drip.

- Now, turn it off.
- What are we all looking at?

Um, Dad messed up our tap.

No, I fixed the drip.
Turn it off, honey.

It's getting hotter.

Okay well, turn it
the other way, then.

Turn it off!

Ow! Ow! It's burning my hand now!

- I see steam, John.
- Okay, well, how do you turn it off?

- It's a tap, just turn it off!
- I turned it off!

Good! Good!

See? No drip.

I'm gonna go.

Ow!

-- Corrected by ChrisKe --
Schitt's Creek - S03E04 - Driving Test