Schitt's Creek (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 12 - Friends & Family - full transcript

Schitt's Creek - S03E12
"Friends and Family"

Oh, Moira, kids...
this is so unnecessary.

What is it?

It's a gift from us to your father.

Okay. Yeah, I rather not
attach my name to a gift

that I had no hand in selecting.

Oh, God.

Oh my God.

Where did you find this, honey?

Well, Moira told me it was
down at the post office,

- so I...
- I was talking to my wife.



The Van Housens found
it in their storage room

and thought that we should have it.

Who's the lady in the back?

It's Moira.

Flattering.

It's a family portrait, Roland.

Oh... you...

- you all look like cartoons.
- Wow.

It's so weird, I don't even
remember posing for this.

Because you didn't.

You were in rehab when we sat for this.

I wasn't in rehab,

I was at rehab visiting Stavros.

Oh, that's right.



We had your face painted
on the body of my assistant.

Hm. That's why you look so good.

Well, I love it.

Let's get this inside.

- David.
- Huh? What?

20 bucks, I'll give
you a hand taking it in.

- Oh yeah. David.
- What?!

- 30 bucks and I'll help you in with it.
- Mm, right. David!

I don't know what! What? What? What?

What do you want?

40 buck and I'll help you in with in.

I can keep going up.

Can play this game all day, pal.

Corrections by PetaG
~Sync by BobaLover~

I can't tell if this room
is just very, very small,

or if the portrait is very, very big.

Well, I think it's quite
possible both are true.

Do you think the Van
Housens had it enlarged?

No, Th-this is the actual size.

Remember, Reiner wanted
to paint it twice as big.

Oh, look at it, John.

Well, don't worry, we'll...

we'll find a place for it.

Ah, you know, we can...

take things off a wall, or... mm...

rearrange some furniture.

Maybe move some wigs.

Oh John, I know how nostalgic
you still get for the old days,

and I just wanted to do
something thoughtful for you.

Oh, Moira, this portrait is a wonderful
reminder of your generous spirit

and the...

enormous strength of this family.

Aw...

_

Um, is that your juice?

Ah, no. Technically,
I think it's our juice,

ah, because you just
took it from the fridge

and didn't pay for it so...

Mm-hm. Um...

It's just that I don't normally
share beverages with people.

Really. That is shocking news.

Yeah. Yeah. Fortunately, um, you
look like you have a clean mouth so...

Sorry. A clean mouth?

Yeah. Some people have
nice, clean mouths,

- and some people have sloppy mouths.
- I see.

So, hey, I was thinking about
our, ah, our launch party,

and I think we should
take out like a full page

in the local news, and just make it a...

make it a thing, you know.

Mm... um...

Well, do you not think
people are gonna show?

No, no. I do. I just think if
we're going big, let's go big.

Yeah. 'Cause um, 'cause I was thinking

what if we did like a soft launch.

Um, and you know, just test the
store out on a small group of people.

Did like an exclusive VIP
guest list, and offered,

you know, a friends and
family discount as incentive.

Ha, now it's sounding like you
don't think people will show.

No, I do.

I do think, um, that people will come.

It's just, you know, I look to like...

Gwyneth who soft-launched
the 'goop' newsletter

and now it's a thriving lifestyle
publication slash empire, and...

I have no idea what you're
talking about, but it's up to you.

Ah, either way you do need
to call the electrician

to hang these lights that were
supposed to be up a week ago.

Yeah. Yeah. I was waiting

I was waiting for a call back from him.

- Mm.
- But you know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna follow up.

Sure.

Can I have my juice back, please?

No. You have a sloppy mouth.

_

Hey, did Mrs. Syzlak call?
She's late for her appointment.

Um yeah. She cancelled.

She said that her cat is better.

She doesn't have a cat.

Okay. Sorry, who am I thinking of?

Um, somebody isn't coming in today

and someone's cat is better.

Oh, and someone's
something may be worse...

Is everything okay?

You usually take down the messages,
even if you forget to give them to me.

It's just that my grades
are being posted today

so I'm just kind of
avoiding the computer.

Oh. O-o-okay.

Well, that's not really an option

so how about I'll just look for you.

No, it's okay, I can do it.

It's just that if I fail I
may need the afternoon off.

Also not an option,

but I will be here for
you if it's bad news.

Oh my God, Ted.

- I passed!
- Really?

Yeah. I got a 60 and a 65!

No, Alexis, those are
the class averages.

You got a 63 and a 68!

Oh my God!

Ju... Well... uh... congrats.

Um. Thank you.

Um, I'm just gonna, um...

I'm just gonna call Mrs. Syzlak,

and just make sure that
her cat's doing okay.

It's Mrs. Syzlak and
she doesn't have a cat,

but you should call her back.
And I, in the mean time,

will go to get back to... work-o.

Mm-hm. Mm-hm. Mm-hm. Mm-hm. Mm.

Hmm... 'Kay.

_

Hi, so I wanted to talk
to you about... Oh my God.

Yeah. I know. We're still
looking for a place to hang it.

Did it grow?

Can we cover it with something or...?

I tried. Sheets aren't big enough.

Can we help you, David?

Uh, yes.

Actually I wanted you
to be the first to know

that Patrick and I will be
launching the store this Friday.

- Ooh!
- Oh great news!

- A grand opening.
- Mm.

Hm. We've doing more of a soft launch.

- I don't like the sound of that.
- Why?

It's actually a very
effective business strategy.

And it's always better to go under.

- Go under?
- No.

David, if the business is
foundering it's best to tell us now.

No! When it comes to expectations

it's always to go under than over.

Yeah, I don't know if that's true, son.

Every Rose video we
opened had fireworks.

Day or night. People love pizazz.

Okay, well, this is gonna
be the opposite of that.

We're inviting a select group of VIP's,

and offering a 25 percent
friends and family discount.

- Well, that sounds meek.
- Okay.

Friends are getting the same discount
as family? That doesn't sound right.

Well, that's what we're doing.

Well, what if your mother and I
go in and buy something together?

Does that mean we get
a 50 percent discount?

Why would you wanna spend
less money at my store?

David, we are happy to support this
modest little vigil you're hosting

but to hand out discounts

before the store has even birthed

it sounds a tad defeatist.

I hope you don't mind if I
keep this information to myself.

I don't want you to share the news.

The smaller the better.

Oh, rarely has that been
a recipe for success.

I'm really glad I came in here.

- We love you!
- Keep reaching, son!

Hello.

Um, I called Mrs. Syzlak,
and sorted it all out.

She will be in tomorrow.

So, I'm just gonna go back to my desk,

which is where I work.

Uh, we should talk about the kiss.

Definitely.

Personally, I don't think
it was that a big deal.

Yeah. Neither do I.

We're adults. We should be allowed to
have an adult kiss from time to time.

- Totally. An adult kiss.
- Yes!

Like when parents kiss their
friends... ju... on the mouth.

Yes. Like kissing your parents.

That's exactly what I was gonna say.

Yeah. I mean, we're friends so...

Agreed.

Oh! Here's something,
speaking of friend stuff,

um... David is doing this
friends and family discount

for his store opening.

And I know that you love discounts,

so, I was thinking that
maybe we could go...

- Yeah. That sounds... yeah.
- As friends.

I would go as family, and
you would go as friends...

of the family.

Well, I do love discounts.

In fact they had to delete
Groupon from my phone last week,

just 'cause three vacuums
is enough... vacuums.

Yeah. Cool. Okay.

So um...

back to work-o.

- Watch out! Oh.
- Oh! Ow.

- Oh my God.
- Isn't it something?

Huh?

I always felt something
was missing in here

and then it occurred to me that...

a lot of family-run businesses

hang a portrait of the
family in the workplace.

Oh. Well, that reminds me,

I've been meaning to have my
family portrait airlifted in...

Well, I know it's a
little arresting at first,

but I think with time

you won't even know it's here.

Mm... I don't think that's gonna happen.

You don't look very happy in this.

Well, it wasn't the style to look happy.

The motivation was to look successful.

You know this used to hang in
the great hall of our house.

Oh, now this seems a little
understated for a great hall.

I'd look at it every morning.

The family often wasn't
all together back then,

but, uh, I could look at
this and there we were.

Well, you guys are together,
like, all the time now,

so, who needs this,

- right?
- Well, that's true.

But, this happens to be one
of the only possessions that...

wasn't sold off.

Really? You'd think
there'd be more of a market

for oversized paintings
of other people's families.

Why does it seem like Mrs.
Roses eyes are... following me?

Oh, she paid extra for that.

- Here you go.
- _

- Two tuna melts.
- Oh. I didn't order tuna melts,

- but I don't have time to...
- Oh, by the way, I hope you don't mind,

but I told a few people
about your big store opening.

Big store opening?

Isn't it a friends and family sale.

Yes.

Which is why you would
be invited as a friend.

- Um, who told you about our little...
- David,

just the guy I wanted to see.

Listen, uh, Gwen wanted me to ask you

Er, if... if we both have
plus-ones for the opening,

or do we have to be
each other's plus-ones.

Who's Gwen?

That's very funny.

Oh, my mother's boyfriend
wanted to bring his secretary.

He did?

Why not. Um, I'm gonna go.

But I'm really glad
that someone told you....

um... and Bob... and Gwen.

Uh...

how many people did
you tell about Friday?

Just the names on my
pre-approved list. Why?

Uh, because I have been
approached by a lot of people

who are not on the pre-approved list.

Well, you know, sometimes when you
tell everyone that it's exclusive,

then everybody just wants in.

Like how many people
are we talking about?

Uh, I don't know. Twyla's
whole family. So, like, 75?

- Should've ordered more food and wine.
- Uh...

Well, looks like this soft
launch is firming up a bit, huh.

But it's not supposed to be firm.

Well, with this many people it's
definitely at least semi-firm.

Okay. Well, as long
as it doesn't get hard.

And that's something, that's
what I just said to you, so...

What...?

Oh my God.

Hey, back of the line, bro!

Hey! No cutting!

'Scuse me, this is
my store. Who are you?

I'm Darleen's cousin.
Who the fuck are you?

My God. Ah...

That kind of language, folks,

will not be tolerated
at Rose Apothecary.

Thank you.

- This is a safe place.
- _

Uh, so I was just verbally assaulted

by a very off-brand
customer in line outside.

Well, David, I have
really underestimated you.

How so?

Who knew you had so many friends,

or, uh, family members,

- for that matter.
- Okay. What do we do?

- I for one blame Gwyneth. Um...
- David, relax.

It's going to be fine.

Oh my God, the lights! I
didn't call the electrician.

Do...

Watched a lot of YouTube tutorials.

This is very impressive.

Well, there is a good chance
I didn't wire that properly,

so that's why I also got the
insurance that you forgot to get.

M'kay. Um, there's only so
much that I can do in a day.

- Mm.
- So... um...

Are we ready to do this?

Open the doors.

Okay...

Softly.

Okay.

_

Find everything okay?

_

Wow.

Wow.

David did all this?

I can't believe it.

He's managed to create, in this
town, something truly winsome.

I would shop here, John.

Even without a nagging
sense of obligation.

And look at... look at
the labels on everything.

'Rose Apothecary.'

The Rose name on another
plucky young business.

We should go congratulate him.

We should but...

our son is very hard at work.

Doing it. Here you go.

And the scarf. Is this
*** wearing it, is it?

So um, this says foot cream on it.

What happens if I use it on my hand?

Um, I'm pretty sure your
hands are gonna be fine.

Okay, and it's like 50 percent off

if Jocelyn and I both
buy it at the same time?

Um, n-no. Have you
been talking to my dad

- about the discount?
- Roly, you can bargain later.

Um, David, I need to
ask ya a little question

about this baggy of Joshua tree tea?

- Sure.
- Is it drugs?

Uh, no. It's loose leaf tea.

Okay. Because it smells exactly like...

Oh, come on! Ah, wow!

Geez, I didn't realize
this place was a front.

It's not a front.

That is a tea that Mr. Hockley makes
out of a greenhouse on his farm.

And now that I've said it out
loud, I might have to double check.

Hmm. Well, honey, why don't we, um,
grab a few bags of Mr. Hockley's...

- tea.
- Go get 'em. I love tea.

Yeah, I'm a big tea drinker now.

Started drinking tea in high school.

Cedar dragon.

Hm. That's different. What do you think?

Um.... mm. Mm, yeah, you
know? Um, I don't know.

I mean, it's nice but
I also, I don't know.

I think you should probably get it

or not, whatever...

Oh! Look who's here!

Alexis and...

- Ted.
- Oh, Ted.

Good to see you, Mr. and Mrs. Rose.

I take it that Alexis
has told you the big news?

- Big news?
- Um...

well, it wasn't that big a deal,

but the other day at work
Ted and I went to hug...

No, ah, actually I was talking
about you passing your exams.

Honey! You passed!

Oh!

Alexis, what a delightful surprise!

Not that I'm surprised.

I had nothing but doubts...

No doubts. That you could do this.

Well, I'm just glad to be done.

- Well, it's been quite the day, Moira.
- Mm-hm.

You know, I had an idea about
what to do with the portrait.

Oh, it's still there,
waiting for us. Isn't it?

I was thinking, to save space,

we could cut our faces out

and make four smaller,
individual portraits.

We could...

here's another thought:

we bid it farewell.

Are you kidding?

Doesn't fit, John.

And I don't just mean literally.

We aren't those people anymore.

We are, but we aren't.

You know, you might be right.

It's funny when I look
at that portrait now,

I find myself wondering...

Were we really that happy back then?

- Yes.
- We were.

Oh, deliriously happy.

Oh, and I miss that beach house.

Oh my God, I still dream that
we wake up in our old bed.

- Nothing's changed.
- No.

No. We can't go down that road, Moira.

We have to focus on what we do have.

No?

Yes.

Yes.

Ah, hey, I... Alexis? I, um...

Oh, right. You were going that way.

Ah, no, no. I want to say, that
I got you a little something

for passing your exams.

Oh.

Oh, Ted! You picked up a stick.

Uh, no, it's a... it's a
pencil shaped like a twig.

I got it at the store.

Wasn't that was sneaky of you.

I will definitely try to use this.

It looks very delicate.

Yeah, it's a lot more
expensive than I thought, too.

I hate it when they don't
put price tags on things.

Thank you, Ted.

Oh, no...

I didn't... I didn't mean.

That was supposed to be like, um...

like a thank you adult kiss.

Yeah, the thing is... I think,
um, maybe we should just avoid...

kisses for a while.

Even adult ones.

Of course.

Probably better if we just adult hug

and adult work together.

I totally get that.

Okay.

Great.

Adult high five?

Yeah.

Well, this was a success.

I would say so. Yeah.

Although, you know, we'd
be, ah, 25 percent richer

If we just done a hard launch.

But hey, I'm just a numbers guy.

Mm-hm. Um, but had we
not done the soft launch

we wouldn't have lured all those people.

Mm. Well, you know, the best thing is

that we never have to talk about it
again because we've officially open.

That is true.

Congratulations, man.

Congratulations to you.

- I can fix that. Kinda liking...
- Okay. Yeah. I was just gonna

say that that might need fixing.

Well, it fits here.

I wonder what else the
Van Housens took from us.

Don't waste your time thinking
about those human vultures.

I think they did us a favour.

They sent us a reminder that it's
not always good to hold onto the past.

Speak for yourself, I look super cute.

Okay, that's not
actually your body though.

Um, okay, but it's my face, David.

Okay, let's go.

There's something really weird
happening with mom's eyes.

It's like they're following me.

- Oh, they are.
- Oh God.

Corrections by PetaG
Schitt's Creek - S03E12 - Friends and Family