Schitt's Creek (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 11 - Stop Saying Lice! - full transcript

Schitt's Creek - S03E11
"Stop Saying Lice"

Alexis, I just got an
email from your school.

Okay, in my defense,

I did not know he was
a substitute teacher,

and basically, nothing happened.

Okay, well, that's not it,

and please don't go
down that path again.

Apparently there's a lice
outbreak in your class.

- Oh my God!
- Ewww!

Ugh, it's probably Kelsey,
she's such a horse girl.

Honestly Alexis, if you don't
like the way somebody looks...



Dad, that's so mean!

She doesn't look like a horse,
she just talks about them a lot.

And smells a bit.

You know, you keep scratching.

Ewww!

No, I'm just allergic
to the down pillow.

No, no, you probably have lice.

You're scratching because you have lice!

Wait a minute, we were in all
the rooms changing the sheets!

Okay, how-can lice jump?

Because if I was sleeping in my bed,

could a lice jump
from her bed to my bed?

Can everyone stop saying lice please?!

Now I've gotta go back and
change all the sheets again.



Okay, how do I know that
she didn't give me her lice?

David, you don't have lice.

Nobody here has lice!

No, no, you do!

You-you have the lice!

- Ah!
- Ughhh!

- Oh! Aah!
- Alexis, you've gotta go to the store

and get something to deal with that now!

Okay, I've gotta go back
and change all the sheets.

Oh! This is the last time
I take a pity selfie with Kelsey!

- Get away from me!
- Aah!

-- Corrected by ChrisKe --
-- Sync has done by the_foe --

Housekeeping.

- Hello!
- Oh, hi.

Uh, just here for the complimentary...

sheet change.

But the bed's already made up.

Yes, yes, well some of our guests prefer

morning and... evening sheets.

Uh, these are a little heavier,

for sleeping, right?

So if you don't mind,
I'll just get to it.

I think we're good, I mean,

we haven't even touched the sheets.

Oh, good, good, good!

Why is that good?

Well, it just means
you're having a busy day,

you know, up and at 'em.

- Oh.
- Right.

Right.

And your hair's in a ponytail,

that's fantastic.

Yeah...

And by that I mean
it's very hot outside,

and... gives the neck
a chance to breathe,

um... yeah.

So...

We're actually just on our way out so...

Oh well, good timing then, huh?

So why don't we follow you out, hmm?

So that's a yes to changing the sheets?

No, no, I think we're good. Thanks.

After you.

Oh, so leaving everything as is, then.

Yeah!

Hi, sorry I'm late,
it's been a busy morning.

How are you?

I'm fine, thank you.

It's nice to see you.

Hm! Are you talking to me?

I'm not used to that
ah, level of kindness.

Yes, we haven't seen
each other in weeks,

so I was just saying
it's nice to see you.

I'm going to ignore
that passive aggression,

and instead, lean in to the fact

that we're both working
professionals now,

and Mama Oprah would
be very proud of us.

Okay, that's one way to look at it.

Um, so you know what I
think would be super fun,

if we hung out at your place tonight.

- My place?
- Mhm.

You've never been to my place.

Yeah exactly, you were
just saying that we haven't

been spending as much time together,

and that it's been really bothering you.

I don't remember saying that last part.

Yeah, so I was just thinking like,

what about a late night hang,

or like, a platonic sleepover?

Mm... what's on your head?

Hm? A hat.

That I'm test driving for the store.

I mean, what's happening under the hat?

- The other side.
- Oh, I see.

Yeah um, that would be a shower cap.

So this would have nothing to do with...

the lice outbreak at the motel?

Your dad just called me.

Mhm, um...

so I might be taking
preventative measures.

I can't afford to have the
store infested with lice.

I don't think it works that way,

but just so we're clear,

you were wanting to
have a platonic sleepover

at my place would have
nothing to do with the fact

that your sister has lice?

Yes, that is almost entirely correct.

Oh...

Good morning!

Who's gonna be the one to tell her?

I'll handle this.

Have I been let go? Should I leave?

- No.
- I won't make a scene.

You still have three
and a half more years.

But who's counting?

Moira, I know that town beautification

is kind of your thing,

so I know you'll wanna know that um...

we're gonna build a flower garden.

And it gets better!

I imagine it must.

We're gonna name it after you.

Oh, and look at that right there,

utter shock!

Now, I'm flattered beyond all reason,

but I can't help but think

the money could be
better spent elsewhere,

making much needed
improvements to the roads,

the streetlamps, the parks,

the sidewalks, the traffic light...

Moira, I don't think you
understand how rare it is

for somebody to have something
named for them in this town!

I mean, yeah, the whole
town is named after me,

and Bob over here, he's got his bench.

Bob's Bench.

And Ronnie's got her rec center.

It's an outdoor tennis court,

and last year the net was stolen.

Well, she's kind of
under selling it there,

the rec center is a major
hook-up spot for the kids.

- So is the bench.
- Right.

As much as I would love to contribute

to the population growth of this town

by way of teen pregnancies,

I must decline.

Honey, it's all about legacy!

Your name will forever be associated

with this town's name!

I don't think you're helping.

I truly appreciate the gesture.

Well look, before you say no...

- No.
- Right.

This is a really big deal, Moira.

For us to be doing this for you.

Okay.

Alexis, I didn't think
you were coming in today.

Oh um, I hadn't planned to,

but it was really bugging
me that your cupboards

were so... disorganized.

It's Saturday.

No, I know. Um...

But the other reason is that

I bumped into one of our clients,

and her dog has lice,

and she's worried that she now has lice.

Who was it?

Umm...

Meredith? Meredith!

She's new-ish, you
might not remember her,

just kind of like,
mid-length, wavy hair.

- Does she want me to help her?
- No.

No, she is too embarrassed.

And I was like... Mere-dith,

Meredith, there's no
reason to be embarrassed,

you're still exceptionally attractive,

it's just lice, just get the shampoo,

and deal with it!

Yeah okay um... the thing is,

that you can't actually
get lice from dogs.

It's a different kind of lice.

Okay, so what should she use?

Should she use the flea stuff, or...

Oh no, she's fine to
use the lice shampoo,

but it's really more
about combing them out.

- Ewww!
- On the upside,

you could tell her that...

they're only attracted to clean scalps,

and she shouldn't be too embarrassed.

Also, I'm kind of a samurai

when it comes to a metal comb, so...

Okay, are you sure, because
she didn't want to um,

she didn't wanna bug you on a weekend.

Bug me.

I am sure.

Okay, I will tell her.

Um, you know that it's me, right?

- Yeah, caught on pretty quick.
- Okay, thank you.

You're the sweetest
little vet I've ever met.

I don't know about little,

because I'm benching 225 right now,

so it's not really
something someone little...

- Aaah, Ted!
- Okay, yep.

Okay,

so if you wouldn't mind sorting
these body milks by size,

that would be great.

Can you drink these?

Um, it's liquid moisturizer,

for your body, so no,

you can't drink them.

Did you ask if you can drink it, too?

Okay, it says body milk on the label!

You know, I told David that the label

was gonna be misleading,
but he insisted.

What was it you said?

"Anyone with a fiber of common sense

would know that it's not actually milk."

What do we think body milk is,

if not milk... for your body?!

- Exactly.
- Stevie, right?

- Yeah.
- I'm Patrick.

- I've heard a lot about you.
- None of it is true.

Oh well, anyone with a fiber of
common sense would know that.

I like him.

I like you.

Okay, is this how this is gonna go?

Because we have way too
much work to do today

for me to feel attacked by way

of an imbalanced social dynamic.

Are-are you wearing a shower cap?!

Alexis has lice,

and I am taking preventative measures.

By wearing one of our hats
that we now can't sell.

Oh, he doesn't have
it, I checked his head.

I think the shower cap is
more of a fashion choice

- at this point.
- Uh huh.

But you're living with
somebody who does have lice,

so just 'cause you don't have it now,

doesn't mean that you
couldn't get it tonight,

or tomorrow, or whenever.

It's almost as if you
want me to get the lice.

I don't want you to get it,

I just, I think you should be careful.

You can crash at my place
tonight if you need to.

Thank you.

But Stevie offered
her place this morning.

- Oh,
- So...

Can I crash at your place?

This is really fun for me.

I'm having a lot of fun.

I never thought I'd see the day, John.

You've been domesticated
beyond recognition.

Moira, it's been a bit of a day here.

Well, this might lift your spirits,

I just came from council,

and they want to name a garden after me.

A garden?

Oh, that's flattering.

Another feather in your cap, huh?

Oh, I have enough
legacies as it is, John.

I've got that playhouse
theater in Pasadena,

My titular scholarship with Phoenix,

David and Alexis.

Yeah, but still, a garden is nice.

You'd have to think twice
about turning that down.

Oh, I've already turned it down.

Oh.

Okay.

Well, it's just...

about a month ago I heard from the

Lucy Albion Studio Theater in Pasadena.

I don't know what that is.

It... used to be called
the Moira Rose...

No, no! Don't say it!

They've stripped the
playhouse of my name?

Who the (Bleep) is Lucy Albion?!

A volunteer usher who died last year.

And when were you planning
on telling me this, John?!

Well Moira, it's not
like you haven't overreacted

to bad news in the past.

I just thought it might
sit better with you

once you'd heard about the garden.

No, I just told you about the garden.

Uh-huh.

John, did you ask Roland and Bob

to name a garden after me?

No, no!

They wanted to name the
garden after you, Moira.

After I offered to pay for the plaque,

and a good chunk of the upkeep.

I don't believe this.

Sweetheart, I just thought
having your own garden in town

would make losing the
theater less painful!

Oh, I won't be pitied, John!

Or fed your pacifying
pablum like some kind of...

soft-headed infant!

Well, I thought it was a nice gesture.

Oh no, no, now I just wonder what else

you're keeping from me.

Nothing!

- Well, Alexis has lice.
- What?!

Ewwww!

Ewwwww!

I assume you shaved her head!

And we have to put a wig on her.
But not one of my wigs!

These have to be boxed now!

Moira, I've got it all taken care of.

And I'd think twice about that garden.

Oh, it's too late, the
notion of that garden

is as abhorrent to me
as our daughter's scalp!

And I was worried
about you overreacting.

What are you doing in here?

Well, you said to change the sheets.

No, we said not to change the sheets.

Oh, you said not to change the sheets!

I could've sworn I heard
you say change the sheets.

- Well, while I'm here, I may as well...
- Please, just leave the bed.

- Sure.
- What's going on?

What's going on?

Well, my... okay.

My daughter and I were
setting up the room earlier,

and it turns out she has lice.

I was changing the sheets because you
know, I didn't wanna take a chance.

Been there.

Yeah, our six year old
daughter had lice last year.

- How old's yours?
- 28.

Oh, and I checked your
hairbrush and it is fine.

You checked my hairbrush?!

It's a complimentary service.

Why didn't you just
tell me that you had lice?

Ted, a bug literally
fell out of my head,

onto my textbook this morning.

It was so disgusting.

Plus I didn't want you to picture me

like some well-toned bug woman.

Well, I've seen worse.

Fleas, ticks, worms.

Granted, all of those
were on house pets.

- Ted!
- I'm just saying,

that you know, it could've been worse.

I could be shearing you
with trimmers right now.

You're really good at this.

It reminds me of when I was in Bangkok.

There was this amazing
little Resto-Lounge

that specialized in Tahitian food,

and scalp massages.

I'm not sure what's more disgusting,

what I'm doing right now,

or the concept for that restaurant.

It was a Resto-Lounge.

Speaking of Thailand,

I think is probably
the most intimate thing

I've ever done with an employee.

Speaking of Thailand,

I think we've done a few more
intimate things than this.

I meant while they were an employee.

Not that I'd do this for anyone else.

Well, thank you.

Because it's actually pretty gross.

You said it wasn't that bad.

Well, there are some big ones in here.

- Ewww!
- I'm joking, I'm joking.

Oh, maybe not.

- Eww!
- Nope, it's fine.

It is fine, it's fine.

Just-just the mama, we got her.

Hi, I can't thank you
enough for inviting me.

Really you should be
thanking yourself for that.

This is a lot nicer than I expected.

For some reason I pictured
you living underground.

In like, a bomb shelter?

Yeah like, bomb shelter aspects.

Look at what you've done to this place!

Look at all this stuff!

Look at that... frame on the
wall that you put there.

Look at that Sarah McLachlan poster!

Don't be dissing Sarah McLachlan.

Who's dissing Sarah McLachlan?

I followed Lilith Fair for two summers.

So...

Uh oh!

Two toothbrushes? Hello!

No, you see, this is exactly
why I shouldn'tve let you

bully me into allowing you to stay here!

Do you require two toothbrushes?

Yes, I do.

Ahhh...

So maybe I was seeing
somebody a while ago,

and I forgot to throw
out his toothbrush.

I don't recall you ever telling me

about that chapter of your life.

Well, I'm sure I would've told you,

if you weren't so busy with the store.

I'm sorry, is that a soft,

yet affirmative indication
that you miss me?

No, it is not.

Because I agree, our social predicament

is not ideal,

but we are both thriving professionally,

and I feel like that
needs to be celebrated.

Speaking of, where are the drinks?

- In this thing?
- The fridge.

- Is this... okay.
- Just...

Okay, I just see two
de-shelled hard-boiled eggs

in a bag, should I be scared for you?

The vodka's in the freezer.

Oh, in the freezer, okay.

There she is!

Look at that, look at her, go.

What a gift.

- Moira!
- Oh, hi.

I just wanted to say congratulations

about the garden.

Oh well, you're very kind,
but I've declined the offer.

- Oh, really?
- Yes.

As much as I love the spotlight,

sometimes it's best to just step aside.

That's surprising.

I know when they told me
that they were gonna put my name

on the new low-impact
play center at the school,

I was thrilled!

Yes, it can be very exciting

when the tribute
matches the contribution.

My name graced a theater,

a country club ladies' locker room,

a roadway.

A whole road?

Oh, not just any road.

This was a lifesaving road,

dedicated to emergency vehicles.

Like a fire route?

Technically it was referred
to as Evacuation Route 14,

but those of us in the know
affectionately called it...

"Moira Rose Boulevard."

You know, Moira,

having your name on
a small, local garden

wouldn't take away from

any of those other amazing achievements.

You might think,

but this little
particular little tribute

was bought by my husband,

in an attempt to assuage my ego!

And that would be different
from the other times because...

Well, I mean, of course philanthropy

and recognition always
go hand in hand, but...

Listen.

I know this isn't what you wanted,

But I think it would
make Johnny really happy

to make you happy.

I mean, take Roland.

Every year he buys me coconut macaroons,

and I just don't have
the heart to tell him

I am really allergic to coconut.

Yeah, every Valentine's
Day I just rash right up.

Last year my throat
almost completely shut.

I shouldn'tve eaten those eggs.

I can't believe I'm trapped
under a blanket with you

knowing you ate those eggs.

I bet Patrick's fridge is fully stocked.

What does that mean?!

It means he's got his life together.

He's a pretty eligible bachelor.

Patrick.

I suppose.

What? He's my business partner.

Oh, aren't they all.

What are you doing?

What, you guys just seem
to really get along well.

Yeah, because we're
in business together,

and compliment each
other professionally.

Hm, but he offered for you
to stay over at his place.

Yes, because unlike you and I,

he's extremely generous,

and has absolutely no ulterior motive.

Then why are you here and not there?

Because you asked me first.

I didn't, though.

And it would be weird.

Well, if nothing's going
on, why would it be weird?

Because we're in business together,

and I don't know what
his preferences are.

Well, you're not gonna find out

what his preferences are
on a sleepover with me.

Well, I wouldn't be
sharing a bed with him,

I'd be in some guest bedroom.

Guest bedroom, what is he, Bill Gates?

Yes, he's Bill Gates.

I like this for you.

Like what? There's nothing to like.

You seem flustered.

I'm not flus...

Maybe it's the eggs.

Ughh!

Um, am I reading this right?

"The Moira's Rose's Garden."

Okay look, I went back
and forth on the name

a couple of times, and I may have...

confused the engraver.

The Moira's Rose's Garden.

So the garden is dedicated
to a rose that Moira owns?

I don't think that there
are enough apostrophes.

I don't even see a rose in the garden.

Because there aren't any roses.

Or are we the Roses?

Okay, I'm getting roses for the garden,

I'm-I'm getting roses.

Oh... okay.

And what are these numbers for?

That's mom's birthday, David.

Those are the last four digits

of your father's credit card.

It was a complicated
order form, all right?

There were a lot of fields to fill in.

Um, I hope you got a
really good deal on this.

It's by the letter, so he paid extra

for those apostrophe "s's."

Okay, enough, enough.

This is still a very big
honor for your mother.

Is it not?

- Mhm...
- Yes?

Mhm.

So when we die,

are we all gonna be buried here?

-- Corrected by ChrisKe --