Schitt's Creek (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - Bob's Bagels - full transcript

Do you like this sweater?

Jared Leto gave it to me and I've
always been on the fence about it.

I don't know.

What do you mean, you don't know?

You either like it, or you don't like it.

I mean, I like it 'cause
Jared Leto gave it to you,

and he was my first kiss,
but I don't know if I like,

like it, like it.

Um, that's not really an answer.

I feel really bad,

I feel like there's something
burning in my throat.



Oh my God, well, you could've
answered the question by now.

So I guess I'm wearing it.

Dad, can you bring me some juice?

- Be right there, honey!
- Yes, we'll be right there!

I knew this day would come, John!

Isolated, impoverished,

cut off from all medical services!

I only prayed it wouldn't be Alexis.

- It's just a cold, Moira.
- Oh, it's always just a cold, John,

until it's full blown... Typhoid!

I don't have typhoid!

Well, of course you don't,
what are the chances of that?!

Do you remember Valentina?

Our chambermaid in little Martinique?



We all thought she had just a cold,

until it was too late!

I'll never shake the mental image

of her frothing and
flailing in the water taxi!

I can still hear you!

We love you, Alexis!

- Don't we?!
- We love you, Alexis.

Tell her you're gonna bring her the juice.

I am bringing the juice, Moira.

John, don't touch her.

Ohhh...

This is as far as I go, Alexis.

One of us has to stay safe for David.

I'm already in the room.

See, we're still alive, Moira,

I think we're gonna be okay.

Of course you are, that's the spirit.

I'm just going to close
this door until you're done.

Sorry! I'm sorry!

-- Synced by the_foe --
-- (for my Beloved) --

Oh! Uh...

Do you like this sweater?

Honestly...

While I admire your courage,

uh, when it comes to fashion,

I'm just not the best person to ask.

- Okay.
- What's going on?

Nothing.

- Mm, you seem stressy.
- I'm not. I'm not stressy.

I just want to make a
lasting impression, so...

It's a job interview?

For a "brand manager" position

at an upscale boutique.

In Elmdale?!

Okay, there are certain lies I tell myself,

and if you're any kind of a friend,

you' will let me cling to those lies.

And, drive me to the interview.

So is this like, an either/or type thing?

Can I help you cling to lies,
and not drive you to Elmdale?

Okay, I'm gonna change my sweater,

and meet you at your car, so.

It's like a poncho.

So the guys says to me,

"well, I wouldn't try that
with a fractured larynx!"

I wouldn't try that, period!

- Morning, boys.
- Hi, Johnny.

- Ahem!
- Oh man! Oh, boy.

Well, if you gentlemen don't mind,

I'd like to start my day.

Yeah, me too, um...

Do you guys wanna see a card trick?

- Oh, I do. - Okay, first thing
I need is a deck of cards.

All right, you know what, I
hate to break up this party,

but this is my office, and I
do have a lot of work to do,

so up, Roland.

Your office?

Uh, well that's kind of
interesting, Johnny,

because I don't remember
seeing your application

for a new business license.

Oh jeez!

To be a fly on the wall
for this conversation!

Bob, you're in the room.

You know, Johnny, it's
kind of standard procedure

for new businesses to register.

But then again, I guess
you don't really have

a lot to register, do you?

Maybe not to you, Roland,

but keep in mind I did start Rose Video

with $2,000 dollars and a dream,

so it's all about planning.

I see it every day.

Lots of quiet planning.

Sure, he treats himself to a muffin or two,

but uh, I get that that's
all part of the planning,

right, Johnny?

Could be.

Yeah, could be. I mean...

I could look at this muffin
and say, this is a fine muffin.

I'd kill for a bagel, but
I haven't seen one bagel

since I got to this town.

Now, back at Rose Video,
I used to get my assistant

to bring me a bagel every morning.

So I might think a bagel shop is something

this town could use.

Oh, I love a good bagel, Johnny.

Do you-do you think that
idea really has legs?

Well, it's just an example, Bob.

Ooh, I just get chills
thinking that we're sitting

right in the middle of the
"Johnny Rose Dream Factory!"

Ooooh!

Stupid... baby.

I'll tell you what, Johnny,
instead of the license fee,

I'll just take a bite of your muffin.

Mmm! Good!

Mmmm! Mm! Mm!

I have to go to this
Jazzagals rehearsal, Alexis,

so I'll need your word
you'll remain stable.

We're a long way from any hospitals.

You can't be playing fast
and loose with those symptoms.

Alexis?

Alexis?!
- I'm sleeping!

Oh, honey!

Honey, I need to ask
you a serious question.

Has it gotten worse, or are
you just not wearing any makeup?

Your freaking out is not helping anything!

Well, I'm sorry, dear,

but you're the first one to get sick here,

and I-I can't... I don't...

I appreciate your concern,

but it's only a cold, and
I just need to get better.

You're right.

Do I have a fever, though?

- I don't know.
- Can you see?

Hmm. Ugh!

I think you have to do
it without the tissue.

You're right, okay, put
your hand up on the forehead.

Mom!

Oh God!

- It's warm!
- How warm?

I don't know Alexis, I'm not a nurse!

Though I played one once in a
lovely little production of "Harvey,"

but she worked in a mental institute.

I blame those late nights at the barn.

Cold air whistling in and out,

and you and Mutt not
wearing near enough clothing.

Everybody gets sick sometimes.

Speak for yourself!

I'm sorry, Alexis, I'm
sorry I must leave you,

but... mummy's gotta fight for her solo.

Arghhhh!

No. Nope. No.

- What?
- Well, this can't be it.

That's it.

Can't you tell by how
upscale the boutique is?

Well, that's false advertising!

I've been in this boutique,
and nothing about it is upscale!

How did you being in
this store ever happen?

I was with Roland, we
were shopping for Jocelyn.

It's a long, frightening story.

Anyway, we can't be here, we need to go.

Why? What's the big deal?

There is a solid chance I
may have insulted the owner.

Oh well, that doesn't sound
like something you'd do.

She has very questionable taste.

And I may or may not have
told her that to her face.

So there is no point in being
here, you can start the car.

I didn't drive all the way out
here for you not to do this.

Also, this is probably the only job

in this town that you'll
ever be qualified for.

Okay, so do you want me to lead with that,

or hold it 'til the end,
and keep it as a surprise?

You know, Johnny...

I think you're really on to
something with this bagel idea.

Yeah, but Bob, as I said this morning,

it wasn't so much an idea,

as it was an example of an idea.

I see.

Well, for example, if you
were to open a bagel shop,

what would be the first
thing you'd need to do?

Well offhand, I honestly don't know,

I suppose I'd start by finding a space.

And then I'd probably
source out a bagel oven,

and um, a bagel Baker.

Sesame seeds? Gwen loves
the ones with sesame seeds.

Yeah well, whatever.

And then we get the blueberry cream cheese.

- Ooh!
- Yeah.

Listen Bob, I appreciate your enthusiasm,

but even if this bagel
shop was a viable idea...

- Which I think it is.
- Fair enough.

But you still have...
Considerable overhead.

I mean, you wanna make
sure you're making...

Good bagels the real way.

Well,

You would certainly know how
to make them the real way,

because you're uh... you...

- Jewish?
- I didn't know if I could say it.

But boy, do you all love your bagels!

I mean I do too, and I'm not even uh...

Jewish. You can say it, Bob.

I don't know why,

it feels like a swear.

What's the one you can't say?

Okay, you know what, I've
got a lot of work to do, Bob,

but thanks for stopping by.

So... David!

This is quite the resume.

If I ever need a performance
artist I know who to call.

- Thank you.
- Skanky!

- Excuse me?
- You called my store skanky

when you were here with the mayor.

Mmm... mmhm.

Hmm.

Well, what I think I'd
bring to the position

is a worldly approach to merchandising,

and sales tactics. We're not
over the skanky thing, are we?

No, and I can't help but wonder,

why you'd wanna work in a
store you described as skanky!

I don't know if we need
to keep saying the word.

Skanky!

Do you still think my
store is skanky, David?

Which is why I feel like I can help.

You think I need your help?!

Well, I am answering an ad in the paper.

Well David, I am looking for a partner.

Someone who believes in my store.

Well, I can say with complete certainty

that I see literally nothing but potential.

In your store, you know?

Is the floor overcrowded? Yeah.

Are the mannequins a little too busty?

Absolutely.

Does it smell like urinal cakes in here?

Perhaps.

Well, this is all very constructive,

and it's clear you have some strong ideas.

It seems as though you have trouble

filtering negative thoughts.

So I don't know if I can trust you

to represent the "Blouse Barn."

Okay, well, this has been a treat.

Thank you so much.

I'll need to see you on the floor,

working with customers.

Okay.

- Can I help you?
- Bob want us to meet.

Bob wants us to meet?!

- Yeah, may I sit?
- No, no.

Hey there, Johnny.

- Bob?
- This is Ivan.

- Uh huh?
- Take a load off.

- Ah.
- Well... sure, sit. Sit down.

Ivan would like to help
with the uh, bagel idea.

Well, there's no bagel
- I mean, you know, Bob,

I already told you... I got some brick.

You've got bricks? What bricks?

- For bagel oven.
- Yeah.

Ivan works down at the quarry,

he's got a whole truck filled with bricks.

Right out front!

Bob, you know, this bagel
shop idea was just an idea.

You know, it's not even an idea,

it's just an illustration
of a theoretical idea.

Well, that may be,

but do you know how
much a bagel oven costs?

And Ivan here, he's
willing to do it for free.

- As long as I get to...
- As long as he gets to make the bagels.

- Yeah.
- Wow, well, no one is making any bagels.

- Right now.
- You want me to start unloading?

No, no unloading.

Ivan, would you excuse us for a minute?

I just wanna have a word with Bob.

- Oh yeah, sure.
- Okay.

Could you stand, and excuse us?

All right, oh, okay.

I'll meet you out there in a minute.

Bob, you know, we are... so f...

Oh.

We are so far from even remotely having

a conversation about
this... You know, business.

Yeah. Okay.

You said you started Rose Video

with $2,000 bucks and a dream.

I-Bob, you-you
don't have to...

Let's turn this dream... Into green!

Bob, I don't want your check.

Oh my God.

- Ooh!
- Do you think I should get it?

Mm! That's a question.

- You don't like it.
- I never said that.

I never said that, I
feel... You know, in France,

they say the looser the fit,
the sexier the feel, so...

I've never been to France.

Okay, what if I pulled a few other options,

and um, see what happens?

I'll be right back.

Hi! How much longer do you expect me

to wait in the car like
some hired chauffeur?!

Um, yeah, I'm gonna need
you to do something for me.

Like drive home without you?

Uh no, Wendy has got me
on a bit of a trial run

with the customers, and I'm
gonna need you to help me out

by looking like you're
enjoying this conversation

a little more than you are,

um, I'm gonna need you to
buy a couple blouses from me.

- A couple?!
- One. A blouse.

- What about this?
- Well, that's not an option.

- That-no. - But I have my
sister's communion this weekend.

- Okay, don't do that.
- Don't do what?

Do you not like it? Don't, Stevie!

Good recommendation, sir!

This is gonna be a smash at
my husband's trial hearing.

He's got good taste.

Okay, so I've pulled a few options.

Or we can go with what we have.

- These are stupid.
- Okay.

Alexis?

The woman at the general
store said a girl in Elmdale

recently contracted avian flu.

So I got you a bit of everything.

Oh... I see you're already
being taken care of.

Hello.

I didn't realize you were
feeling well enough for company.

I just brought over a few things

to help break the fever.

And it's really helping, thank you.

No, I-I'm relieved that Alexis has someone

with such natural care-giving tendencies.

- I'm gonna go.
- No babe, stay.

Had I known your spirits were so high,

I might not have spent the
last 45 minutes of my life

running around buying cold medication.

I didn't ask you to go buy cold medication.

When have you ever bought
me cold medication?!

Exactly, I knew it didn't feel right.

I think you're in good hands now, babe.

- No! -
Uh-huh.

Oh dear, are we sure this
isn't just mono again?

What with your symptoms,
and your lifestyle?

Mrs. Rose, I don't have mono.

Oh no offense dear, could be others.

- Oh my God!
- Get some rest.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Weren't you supposed
to be at choir practice?

Rehearsal. Yes.

I supposed to be there over an hour ago.

So why aren't you?

Because I kept picturing
you diseased and all alone.

That's never stopped you before.

I know!

What the hell is going on, Alexis!

I'm feeling something.
Something debilitating!

You're the ill one, but
I'm... I'm feeling this...

- This...
- Maternal instinct, maybe?

No, that's not it.

No!

Maybe.

No!

Have I offended you in some way, Johnny?

Probably.

I'm just wondering at what
point you decided to cut me out.

- Of what?
- Well, I assumed I would be consulted

before we made any major decisions

- about the bagel business.
- What decisions?!

Well, hiring Ivan for one thing,

I don't have good feeling about that guy.

I think he's ex-KGB.

Roland, there is no bagel business!

Okay, it was just a stupid idea I made up

because you were right.

Well, I know that!

Right about what?

About me not doing anything.

It's tough enough coming
up with a business idea,

let alone a money making
idea in a town this small,

and I was you know, putting
a lot of pressure on myself.

Maybe too much pressure.

And I've been doing nothing
but... treading water.

So I... started rambling
about bagels this morning.

Look at this, the brain trust!

So I was thinking, and uh,

I'm not married to it, but uh...

"Bob's Bagels."

Johnny, I think you have something

you'd like to say to Bob.

You don't wanna use the name Bob?

Oh, I get it,

go with something a
little more old testament?

Bob that's not it, no.

See, there won't be a bagel shop.

'Cause I've looked into
it, and it's not feasible.

And there already is a
bagel shop in Elmdale.

But Ivan's about to hand in his notice

down at the quarry, and uh...

I gave you that check!

Yes and of course I'm-I'm returning...

This check to you.

Whoa, whoa, hold on a second.
You took money from Bob?

- Why didn't you come to me?
- You would've given me money?

No, of course not, but as your partner...

You're not a partner! Not my partner.

Look Bob, I appreciate all the
confidence you've shown in me.

I really do, and I promise you this:

I will come up with a...
better idea real soon.

You know, next time uh...

I should probably see a business plan

so I don't invest so much
in another uh, hollow scheme.

Yeah, me too.

- You didn't invest.
- Yes, and whose fault is that?

Mm...

Well, congratulations.

Let me get the champagne.
You guys are gonna love it,

it's the same one we use to
celebrate my mom's divorces.

- Great...
- So how long before I can return this?

Oh, it's exchange or store credit only.

- That's funny.
- I'm not joking.

Well, I guess you're buying drinks tonight.

I can do that, that's fair.

And dinner.

- Okay.
- And if I feel like dessert...

It's a $12 dollar negligee
on a 2-for-1 promotion so...

Okay, I'll just drop
a little raisin in here

to release the bubbles.

Blechhh! That's no necessary!

Okay!

Congratulations!

A whole raisin.

To your first job.

Ooh, my first job was actually
a gap kids campaign

when I was six.

- To your first job!
- Mm!

So tired

- Yeah.
- Tell me a story.

- How about a song?
- No!

A story it is.

Um...

There once was a radiant young actress,

who dreamed of having two sons.

The second of which would be named Alex.

- I don't like this story.
- Shh!

Now it seems the vivacious
daytime Emmy nominee

was surprised by how taken she was

with this unanticipated daughter.

Mostly because she didn't cry
as much as the unmannerly son,

but also because she was
adventurous, carefree,

so beautiful.

Just like her mother.

Alexis, you're on my arm.

Alexis, seriously. I can't feel it!

I can't-Alexis!
- Aah!

Go to sleep, dear.