Schitt's Creek (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - Jazzagals - full transcript

David! Alexis!

Time to leave for breakfast.

Honestly David, why are you not ready?

I'm not going.

How is it that a moth can find its way

into a triple locked titanium suitcase?!

The perils of owning cashmere.

Alexis! Please, dear!

Alexis hasn't been here
for a week and a half.

She's at Mutt's.

Well, that's simply not true.



I had breakfast with her just yesterday.

That was me!

We had a lengthy conversation
about hosiery and menopause.

Again, that was me.

-- Synced by the_foe --
-- (for KochAsia) --

Hello? Anyone here?

Oh, hey.

Could I get you to take a
quick look at my muffler?

Oh, I'm - I'm sorry, I don't work here.

Oh, that's... 'cause you're
behind the desk,

and everything.

Oh yeah, no, I mean I "work" here,

but I don't actually work
"here... " in the garage.

I mean, I am working, here in the garage,



but I don't work for the garage. I'm...

So you don't know
anything about mufflers?

'cause I think it's just a
loose connection on the bottom.

Yeah, Bob will be back in a minute,

and I think that's your best bet,

Just you know, 'cause
he comes and goes, and...

Okay, well, maybe I'll
just... go to another garage.

Yeah, yeah. Well,
sorry, I uh, couldn't help.

Hey Johnny, I just went
out and got me a muffin.

Bob, a customer was just in here,

and he was saying he had
a problem with a muffler.

Oh yeah? What uh,
what'd it end up being?

Well, I don't know, I
didn't go out and look!

- Oh?
- I'm not a mechanic!

Well, I don't expect
you to know everything,

but you know, if a client
of yours came in here,

I'd certainly talk to them.

Well, I hope you wouldn't.

Well, not that I have to worry,

I know you're a little low on clients.

That's because I'm
building a business, Bob.

And right now I'm in strategy mode,

looking for opportunities,

and eventually I will implement a plan.

Well, if you feel like uh,

you might like to implement
a muffler, be my guest.

Because I can't afford to lose
any customers right now, Johnny,

Especially ah, when I'm
giving away free office space.

Question.

The cedar planks out behind the motel,

are they being used for something,

or are they up for grabs?

How do you know it's cedar?

Um, I bought a cologne once, in Japan,

that's supposed to smell like the aftermath

of a car crashing into a cedar tree.

Why would anyone wanna smell like that?

- Hmm?
- You know what?

Never mind, the cedar is yours.

Thank you so much.

Um, If I may,

what are you planning on
doing with a pile of wood?

Oh. Um...

A family of moths seem to have mistaken

my cashmere sweaters for an Atlantic City

all-you-can-eat
buffet.

And I plan on putting a stop to that.

So I'm building a cedar chest for my knits.

You're planning on
building a cedar chest?

That's correct.

You are.

- You're gonna build it?
- It's a box!

So you're just nailing some
planks of wood together.

Anyway, if you've seen
the state of my sweaters,

you'd know that I have very
little choice in the matter.

- So thank you.
- Okay well, don't let me

stand in the way of your handiwork!

- Mhmm.
- May the force be with you.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, genuinely.

Honestly, you're so great.

Oh, Twyla...

Twyla!

Twyla!

Uh, be right there, Mrs. Rose.

- Hi, Moira!
- Hello, everyone.

Hey.

- I'll see you guys later.
- Yeah, see you at two.

Yeah.

Sorry about that, I wasn’t
sure whether you were waiting

for your family, or a friend...

No, just an intimate
breakfast, nothing special,

no big "ladies' bruncheon" for me.

Ladies' bruncheon?

Well, whatever that was.
A gathering of the girls, I...

- Oh, you mean the Jazzagals.
- I do?

Yeah, the Jazzagals
is our singing group.

A singing group? What fun.

Yeah, Jocelyn started
it a few years ago,

and it's been great.

We even went to New York once.

Oh, a trip to the big city. How grand!

Let me guess, a bucket
of shrimp in Times Square,

followed by a "Lion King" matinee!

No, actually, we
performed in Central Park.

C-Central Park? Really?

Yeah! For the "Little
Towns, Big Voices" Festival.

You do realize I am
a professional vocalist.

Oh, really?

I thought you were in like, a soap opera.

Oh, I didn't know you
were a fan, thank you!

My roots are in the theater.

Especially musicals.
Anything "Andy" Webber!

Wow! So did you record an album?

Oh, yes, you'll find
me on ensemble tracks

seven, nine, and thirteen of the
original cast recording of Starlight...

"Starlight Express."

Well, then you should
definitely talk to Jocelyn!

She would love to have you in the group.

Or perhaps Jocelyn should speak to me.

Yeah. Menu?

Yes please, I'm still
not quite off book.

Aaah!

Uh huh?

Uh, hey, I just came by for Alexis,

she wanted me to grab some uh...

- Cute looks for...
- Cute looks for the barn?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, in the closet.

Everything okay?

Yeah, I'm just um...

I'm just doing some measurements,
I'm measuring something, so.

- Why don't you use a measuring tape?

- Ah, because we don't have one.

- Did you ask Stevie if
maybe the motel has one?

- Um... yeah, I haven't got...

I hadn't thought of...
I didn't think of that.

- So what are you measuring, exactly?
- Um...

It's a really tragic story,

involving some damaged luxury cashmere.

And so I am building a
cedar chest for my sweaters.

So I'm just measuring
how big to make the chest.

- Well, I've built a chest before.
- Yeah?

And I have some time, um...

Do you want some help?

You know what? That could be good.

Well, how far along are you?

Um, I'm this far.

I can't come in, But
I do have some good news.

That's great.

What's your news?

Well, a little bird chirped in my ear

about your singing group.

Oh, you mean the Jazzagals.

Yes, at first I wondered aloud

why would a competitive vocal group

not reach out to a trained chanteuse?

Oh, we're just a group of gals.

Exactly, that's the answer.

Small minds don't reach for the stars.

No more! Not on my watch.

Jocelyn, I am here!

You wanna audition for the Jazzagals?

Au-Audition!

Uh, though I'm sure you mean no offense,

in the actual world of entertainment,

I'm what's known as, "offer only."

Moira, I know you're a great singer,

everybody has to audition,

and I can't have you not audition,

it would open up a whole can of worms,

I mean, even Gwen had to audition,

and she was in a regional
production of "Annie."

Who hasn't been?

Listen, we would love to have you,

you think about it.

Okay...

Bob? You've got a customer!

Bob!

Yeah, the owner's just
stepped out, uh, but,

maybe... I can help you?

Hey.

Has Paul Bunion finished his box?

Who?

I'm going to need some
things for the chest.

Like the number for a carpenter?

Like, a work bench, a miter saw,

two bar clamps, and some dowels.

Okay... do you know
how to use a miter saw?

Um, no. Mutt is out back,

and he's asked me to
get these things for him.

Um, we're building the
chest together. So...

Wow, this whole thing
just got a lot weirder.

There's a tool shed out back,
the other side of the motel.

- Okay.
- Will you be requiring a tool box?

Maybe?

Um, let's go with yes, just to be safe.

Will you be needing your basic toolbox,

or your "cedar chest" tool box?

Obviously the cedar chest tool box!

Oh, that's in the shed.

It's a big wooden box,

with the words, "tools
to make a cedar chest"

carved into the side of
it, so it's really clear...

Okay, I'm assuming you're kidding.

Um...

But in the off chance that you're not,

where in the shed would I find that box?

You're kidding.

♪

♪ And she did what she had to do ♪

♪ She called every angel

♪ Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah ♪

♪ To rearrange the stars

♪ So that each and every woman ♪

♪ Could find the perfect guy

♪ Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga

♪ Oh, it's raining men! Yes!

Bravo! Bravo!

- Moira!
- Hello, you.

- Hi!
- Sorry for interrupting.

I just-I just thought I'd stop by,

I was in the neighbourhood.

Maybe I should showcase my talents,

I thought, for the group.

Oh, that's great.

Great, you can call it
an audition if you must,

or an impromptu performance,

or perhaps "An Evening with... "

That all sounds amazing.

We're just finishing up a rehearsal,

we just have to work out a couple
of rough spots in Lena's solo,

and then you can have the floor.

I'll wait, far be it
for me to get in the way

of you making any necessary improvements.

Okay, so we're almost there,

let's just work out some
of those little rough spots.

- Okay?
- Okay.

So let's take it from...

"For tonight, for the first time."

Okay. Okay, okay.

♪ 'Cause tonight for the first time ♪

♪ Just about half past ten

♪ For the first time...

Hey, Johnny. Keepin' busy,
or uh... hardly workin'?

Well, first of all Bob,
that's not the expression.

Um, take a seat.

If I may, an observation?

To run a business, you have to be here

to run the business.

You have to be here to
deal with your clients.

That's what I've been doing all afternoon.

You got some clients, that's great news!

No, I was dealing with your customers!

Well, thank you, Johnny,

That's a refreshing change of attitude.

Bob, you're never here!

And while you were gone,

I helped a customer fill his tire with air,

I helped an elderly
woman add oil to her car,

and I sold the '93 Buick for $350 dollars.

You've got to be here to run your business!

Whoa, you have been busy!

Listen, uh...

tell me just a little more
about selling that Buick.

Well, it's a funny story.

This guy came in supposedly for directions.

Okay, but anyone with a background in sales

could see how he was eyeballing that Buick.

So I slow play it.

I pretend I don't notice.

And then he sort of mentions the Buick.

So I hem and haw, textbook
stuff, I tell him, you know,

oh, there's a lot of interest
in that particular vehicle.

You know, I'm playing
the guy like a bow fiddle.

Then he finally admits
this is the kind of car

that he's been looking for.

Oh, really? Says I.

That's when I go in for the kill.

Long story short, he forks
over $350 dollars cash.

And you're welcome.

Certain instincts you just don't lose.

It's like riding a bike.

Well, funny you should
use that expression.

Because Dick Sinson is
gonna be riding his bike

until we can get his car back for him!

- Who's Dick Simpson?
- I couldn't tell 'ya.

But Dick Sinson is the fella
whose car you just sold.

He brought it in for a brake job.

I don't recall him wanting to sell it.

Oh.

Oh, poor Dick.

He loved that car.

It was a gift from the church.

He and his family hit on
some hard times, and uh...

Yeah, you know what, Bob?

I'll tell 'ya, I will call
Mr. Stinson, and apologize.

Well, you can apologize to Mr. Stinson

until the cows come home,

but I don't see how that
is gonna help Dick Sinson!

I'll fix it, Bob!

Here's hopin'.

Ridiculous name!

Sin-Sinson... Sinson!

Dick Sin-Sinson!

Ahh... we just need
to wait for the glue to dry,

- it shouldn't take too long.
- This is really nice of you.

Thank you very much.

Yeah, well, I can't not jump in and help

when I see someone doin' something wrong.

Was it wrong, or was
it just unconventional?

No, it was wrong.

Okay, well, I'm not
gonna argue with you,

'cause I need you to keep
working, we're in too deep.

Uh, does Alexis know about this?

Yeah... definitely.

But can I tell you something?

But you gotta promise not to tell Alexis.

Okay, um...

If you're experiencing feelings for me,

Like, I totally get it.

And normally I'd be into it,

I've just been down this road before,

and it's-it's messy.

- No, it's about Alexis.
- I see, okay.

Um, well, you know, uh...

what is it?

She slept over like
a week and a half ago,

and she hasn't left.

- Uh huh.
- I mean, don't get me wrong,

I love having her there at night,

- if you know what I mean.
- Yeah, I do, yeah.

It's just the days,
they've gotten a bit um...

Suffocating?

I just think that a little
space is a healthy thing.

Mhmm, it is, totally.

I mean, I've been enjoying it a lot, so.

And I live alone, and now
someone is there all the time.

- Which is great.
- Uh huh.

But just not every day.

And I just... don't know what to say.

Well, she sort of fades into
the background after a while,

you know, like a smoke alarm.

Are you just saying that
because you don't want her

- to move back here?
- Yes, I am!

You just take some time, you know?

Carve out some time in
a day to just escape.

You know, do what you wanna do.

It's the only thing that'll keep you sane.

Because no, you can't
mention any of this to her,

she'd lose her mind.

Yeah...

♪ It's raining men ♪

♪ Every specimen... ♪

Yeah, almost there!

- Okay.
- Really good though, yeah.

Okay Moira, you're up.

I just noticed the time, wow.

And you're all very busy, so
why don't we reschedule this

for two weeks from now, when
you're all more prepared.

Oh no, we were done
early, we got plenty of time.

Thank you, but I think
I'm fighting a little bug.

Come on Moira, audition!

I would love to learn
from a professional singer.

- Really?
- Or we could just all go home early.

Come on, Moira!

- Moi-ra! Moi-ra!
- Stop!

Moi-ra! Moi-ra! Moi-ra! Moi-ra!

That's cruel!

Well, I can't say no to anyone!

♪ Someone held me all night long ♪

♪ It should've been you

♪ Someone's arms were big and strong ♪

♪ It's should've been you

♪ It's-I-a wah!

♪ I warned you I was lonely

♪ But you didn't seem
to care No no no ♪

♪ That you could've been
- do do ♪

♪ But you... dah dah
heed a woman's tears... ♪

♪ Woo Doo

♪ Someone loved me all night long ♪

♪ It should have been
should've been you! ♪

♪ You!

That's the end.

Oh, that was... different.

Thank you.

Well, thank you, I'll leave you to discuss.

What's going on?

Um, I'm gonna sleep here tonight.

Oh, is everything okay?

Yeah, why wouldn't it be?

Well, it's just that you've been
spending a lot of time at Mutt's.

Yeah, I know, and I actually
had to talk to him about that.

Oh, you did?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Um, like, he brought all my stuff back,

and I was like, this is great,

but then at the same time
I was just kinda like,

I feel like I need my space right now.

Yeah, and that's something
that you said to him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we were chatting,

and I was just like, I feel
like I need to spend a few days

- back at the motel.
- Yeah...

That's-again, that's... You said that?

Yeah, that's what we were talking about.

Oh, okay. Um...

and how did he take that?

Um, well, I mean, I was kinda
worried about telling him.

I'm sure. Uh huh.

Because I didn't want...

I didn't wanna hurt him, and
I didn't want him to worry,

like, oh my God, is he breaking up with me?

Is she breaking up with me?

Right, yeah, 'cause
we wouldn't want him...

to worry about that.

- Yeah, exactly.
- Mhmm.

So... but I'm really
glad that I told him,

and he took it really, really well.

- So...
- That's excellent.

Yep.

That's a cute little wood thing, David.

Thank you, I made it.

It did seem like a few of them

might've had some training,

but what I bring is a
certain sophistication,

improvisation, showmanship!

I'm sure you wowed them, honey.

Oh John, there were definitely
lots of surprised looks.

Well, they've probably
never heard the real deal.

I suppose!

Oh John, it felt so good

to be working the old muscles again!

Riding the melody, bending the notes!

Well, they must've enjoyed it sweetheart,

if they asked you to join.

Mm! I know!

I only wish you could've been there, John.

It would've been so nice
to have you to sing to.

Well, I'm sorry I missed it.

♪ In your dreams I'll
soon caress your... ♪

♪ Mmpph mmpph...

♪ In your dreams I'll huzzle lovingly ♪

Sweetheart.

♪ Boncha boom da da

♪ Between you and... me

Honey?

♪ I was older darling dream with me ♪

-- Corrected by ChrisKe --