Schitt's Creek (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 13 - Happy Anniversary - full transcript

Kids, it happens to be
our anniversary today,

so it might be a nice idea
if you wished your mother

a happy anniversary.

Okay, um...

What would you like us to say?

Well, you could start by saying,

"Happy anniversary."

Mmm, okay, but why are we wishing her

a happy anniversary?

Isn't that something that you two

are supposed to say to each other?



Yeah, it's called
being courteous, honey.

You know, the Bloomfield kids
used to throw their parents

an anniversary party every year.

Mhmm... um, if we're truth telling,

the Bloomfields were
always a little too friendly

I just don't understand
what kind of family

with one another.

skinny dips together.

John, are you ready?

Yes, sweetheart.

Happy anniversary!

Congratulations on your
ongoing love for one another.

You did it!

Okay kids, that's enough.



You sound like the
incestuous Bloomfields.

Have a blessed day.

-- Synced by the_foe for my Honey --
-- Corrected by ChrisKe --

Schitt's Creek - S02E13
"Happy Anniversary" - season finale

Ahem! Hello there, Roses.

- Hello there, you!
- Yes...

May we join you?

- Oh, we just ordered to go.
- Yeah, we're not staying,

we've got a million things to do.

Oh, well then, I guess you don't want

your present then, huh?

You wanna guess what your present is?

- No, I do not.
- Dinner!

We're gifting you a dinner!

At the most exclusive eatery in Elmdale.

- Oh.
- It's very hard to get a table.

But uh, I pulled a few strings.

That sounds too good
to... what's the catch?

No, there's-there's no catch,

just every new council
member gets a dinner, so.

Oh, how very civilized.

It is... thank you, Roland. We accept.

Terrific, so we'll pick
you up around seven.

- We?
- Yeah, we have a coupon.

Four entrees for the price of three,

it expires soon, though.

It should be really fun, you guys.

Yes, it will be fun...

Well, it would be fun,

if today were not our anniversary.

- Yeah...
- Wow, happy anniversary!

Well, thank you, thank you.

You two are obviously
gonna want to spend tonight

just the two of you, so...

- Yes, that was the plan.
- Yeah.

Oh, well you know, the coupon expires

in three weeks, so...

Okay, all right, let it go.

You have fun, you guys!

- Okay.
- Okay?

- Bye bye, now.
- Bye!

Boy, that was a close call.

What are you doing with that?

With what, this yearbook?

Could you put it back, please?!

Why would I put it back,

when Stevie Budd was voted:

"Most likely to get the guy."

With that hair cut?!

I'll have you know I was
very popular with the boys.

And girls, it seems.

Wow, well, according to the Internet,

you were "Mister Popular."

I will have you know that that head-shot

got me a two-episode
arc on a TV series.

What series?

"Dateline."

I played a boy who got
abducted from a grocery store.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

And the performance was so riveting,

people thought I actually
was the "Value-mart victim."

Hmm, bet that got you laid.

It did. It really did.

You know, I am surprised
that you haven't asked me

to leave early today.

Are you telepathic or something,

because I have been thinking
about asking you that question

every day this week.

I was just kidding.

Oh... no yeah, me too.

No, just with the big
soiree at Mutt's tonight,

I figured that you would
need ample time to get ready.

Mutt's having a soiree?

Well, I'm sure you're invited.

Yeah, no. Yeah, no, why wouldn't I be?

Um, were you invited?

Yeah. Yeah.

I guess it's just-just
a bit of a pride issue,

you know, do I attend the
party hosted by the guy

that... you left me for?

Yeah, no, I'm sure he wouldn't mind.

Yeah, but I really would
have to basically throw

all my self-respect just
right out the window.

Aww, that's so sweet.

So um, what time is the party tonight?

Happy anniversary, sweetheart.

Oh darling, what a sweet gesture,

and a precursor no doubt,

to something more grand planned.

Something more grand?

Ah, knowing your penchant for surprises,

I'm guessing you have
something else up your sleeve.

- Yes, I do.
- Uh oh!

I do, I...

Was going to tell you later,

but I booked a restaurant in Elmdale,

it's supposed to be very fancy!

The one that Roland and
Jocelyn just told us about?

Yes! Yes, but...

Who knew they were asking us tonight!

- Just the two of us?
- Mhmm.

Sort of a "Lady and the Tramp"
meets "9 1/2 Weeks"

kind of dinner date?

Could for one second
believe that I would not

have planned something...
For our anniversary?

Tonight?

The two of us?

Hi, Rose, party of two.

Yeah, we spoke on the
phone this afternoon.

You're lucky we had that cancellation.

Yes, well, lucky for someone.

We... had a reservation
which I of course made uh,

weeks ago.

You always could swing a good table

at the last minute, John.

Okay, it'll just be a few minutes.

- Thank you.
- Okay.

Moira?

- Bev?
- Don!

- Moira!
- Bev!

Oh my God, the Roses! You're alive!

- Ohhhh!
- Oh my gosh!

- Good to see you!
- Wow! What? Don?

- Oh, I don't believe it!
- Come on, Don!

Muah! Muah!

What are you two doing here?

Well, we were dropping
MacKenzie off at college,

and decided we'd take
the scenic route home.

You must... they should...
you must join us!

Join us for dinner!

- Well-oh, yes!
- That would be great!

We are just dying to find
out what you've been up to!

We're dying to tell you!

Okay.

Ohhh...

Oh, I wouldn't do that if I were you.

Oh, I wouldn't either,

but I couldn't find a cocktail shaker,

and someone brought
room temperature vodka.

N-no, I mean... Mutt made those
ice cubes from well water,

so... they smell a little fishy.

Oh.

Yeah, wouldn't want
that melting in my drink,

thank you very much.

- I'm Jake.
- David.

It's nice to meet you, handsome.

I-I'll-I'm gonna...
So I'll just...

Wow! Look at you.

What's that supposed to mean?

No, I've just never seen
you this dressed up before.

I do what I want.

And tonight, I'm
wanting to meet someone.

Hmm.

So, I have a certain
high school reputation

I need to live up to.

Uh huh, yeah, and good luck with that.

Um, speaking of sexual popularity,

I'm pretty sure that
um... that guy at the bar,

is into me.

- Who, Jake?
- Yeah. Jake.

Why, was he one of your
high school conquests?

Actually, no.

But I have a pretty stellar
radar for being able to tell

when guys are into me.

Mhmm... um, and having
swam in both ponds,

I can say that I might be
able to navigate those waters

a little but better than you.

Uh huh? Well, we'll see.

Hmm.

So-so there we are at Izzy
Tennison's country home...

Oh, tell me she doesn't
still have that stuffed bison.

Oh, does she have it?

She's moved it to the front hall!

What?!

Grier wanted to hang
her coat on the horns!

And it gets better. Don here...

Oh, wait now, don't
throw me under the bus,

it was Borden who started it all.

Borden Simons?

It's like old home week!

Anyway, I look over,

and Don and Borden are
on their hands and knees,

crawling through the
doggie door in the kitchen!

It was too funny!

- Oh, you should've been there.
- Oh, wish we could've been.

- Maybe next time.
- Well, cheers to that!

Cheers.

Hey uh... Johnny? Moira?

Oh my God!

Um, what are you guys doing here?

Well, we-we just ran into each other.

It's their anniversary, Roland,

just let them do what they want.

It's your anniversary?
You should've told us!

We don't want to intrude.

No, you're not intruding,
this is a surprise treat.

Oh, okay, well then, are we intruding?

Because before you were saying

that you didn't wanna
go out tonight, so...

No, no, we-we uh...

You can certainly join us,

if you don't have your own table.

We do, but that would be great!

- Okay!
- Yes, well then, by all means,

yes, let's uh-let's...
Let's all sit at one table.

- This is cozy. Hello.
- Hi.

Good evening.

Wow. Look at you.

Is it weird that I'm here?

It's only weird if you think it's weird.

Yeah. Okay. I don't if you don't.

Um, in fact, I don't actually
know how late I can stay.

I just wanted to pop in, and say hey.

Well, you're awfully
dolled up for a "pop in."

Oh my God, stop, I
basically came from work.

Babe, your stove's being testy again,

should I just serve the cider cold?

Uh... Alexis, this is uh, my girlfriend,

Tennessee. Wow!

Wow. Woweee.

Alexis, hi.

It's so nice to finally meet you,

Mutt's told me so much about you.

The way he describes you,
it's like you're this...

Beautiful little poem.

Well, love "little!"

Look at you! You're like a poem too.

Like, a really pretty poem, or like,

a mermaid, or something.

Mutt, you're growing back your beard.

Yeah, she likes it.

Okay.

Um, okay uh, I'm gonna go grab a drink.

But um, it was so nice
to finally meet you,

Tallahassee, so...

- It's ah, Tennessee.
- Yes, Tennessee.

I love that name, it's so unique.

Um, thank God you look the way you do,

because that name on the
wrong girl would just...

Ooh! So...

You should feel really
good about yourself.

She's cute.

You guys haven't ordered yet, have you?

Because I need to present this
coupon to the waiter first.

Don't know what that means.

He's so ironic, this one.

Oh!

So where are you living now, Moira?

Tell us all about it.

Oh, we're in a rustic, ranch style...

Bungalow... that...

It's very nice.

Very nice, it's got plenty of parking,

and a TV in every room.

Oh, how many bedrooms?

- Ten.
- Ten bedrooms!

Yeah, well, we don't
use all the bedrooms.

That must be a nightmare to clean!

Um, Stevie does an adequate job.

- Stevie's one of your staff?
- Mhmm!

Stevie's the only staff.

This olive tapenade is...

Salty, I know!

Is it? I-I thought it was good,

but yeah, it's salty.

Hmm! Here's a funny story.

Oh, good.

On our way here, we
drove through a town...

Not a word of a lie,
called... "Schittstown!"

Oh! No, it was called, "Schittsville!"

Schittsville!

And from the looks of it,

the town was living up to its name!

Let's not go for the
low-hanging fruit here, Don.

Okay? No, these are funny jokes.

Please continue, Don.

You see, Roland gets it!

You know, I'm actually
having more fun at this party

than I thought I would.

How did you do it?

Well, I started by drinking all four

of those peach schnapps
that you left in my fridge...

No, I mean you seemed
so cool about everything

after we broke up. It
was almost annoying.

Cool?

Alexis... I couldn't stop crying.

I was scaring all the animals at work.

But when I... had to go on
our honeymoon without you,

the zip line instructor

at the Los Passions
Couples Resort told me

that I just gotta get through it.

Meaning my fear of heights,
which I did get through.

But with you, it just...

It took a little longer.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Staff dance?

Yes!

Mmm!

Hmm, I thought I was
shame eating in private.

What is shame eating?

I don't think we have
enough time for that tonight.

Are you looking for someone?

No, yeah, I mean, sorry,

I'm just, I lost my friend
who should... be around here

somewhere um, watching this so.

Are you here with Stevie?

I am. Yeah.

- Okay.
- Not here "with."

No, we're not together,
I'm very much single, so.

You wanna get some air?

Yeah. Uh huh.

Mm! Yeah.

Who do you have to kill around here

to get another bottle
of this undrinkable wine?

I think it's good.

I ordered the one with the
highest alcohol content.

What do you do, Roland?

Something in agriculture,
by the looks of it?

Roland is actually
the mayor of our town.

Oh!

Not Schittsville, I hope!

What do you even call
someone from Schittsville?

A Schitter? A Schitthead?

- Okay, you know what?
- John, John.

Don't worry, Moira, I
won't say anything untoward.

We're just having fun, John.

And I thought we were having fun, Bev,

but you know what, we're not.

Oh come on, it's just a joke!

No Don, here's the joke.

The joke is I'm sitting here
in a half decent restaurant

with my wife... and our friends...

And all you two have done
is complain about the food,

and pretend that you
didn't leave us high and dry

after we lost everything.

Oh, we're past all that now.

I'm not quite past it, Moira.

You wrote us off, Don.

Not a phone call,

not an email,

not a nickel.

Roland and Jocelyn here,

could not have been more generous

with what little they have.

They found us a place to live,

they've offered us their
truck whenever we've needed it.

They've invited us to their parties,

they even offered to take
us out to dinner tonight.

Well, just to be clear, Johnny,

we were always gonna split the bill,

it's just with the coupon...

Rollie, Rollie.

And that town you passed through,

it's not called Schittsville.

It's called Schitt's Creek.

And it's where we live.

So Jake, um...

Do you drink red wine, or white wine?

I don't really drink wine.

I'm more of a beer guy.

Right. Yeah.

That doesn't help me much. Um...

Well, I better get going.

I've gotta get to the shop
early tomorrow morning, so.

Oh, you work retail as well?

No, no. The wood shop. I make furniture.

Ah. Yeah. No, I did a lot of um...

I did a lot of wood
working in high school.

- Oh.
- Yeah, uh,

Christie McFadden
accidentally nailed her hand

to her paper towel holder,

so that's-the lesson is
just not to nail stuff...

You know, I'm a pretty open-minded guy.

So... why don't you stop
by the shop sometime?

Okay.

- Good night.
- Good night.

I knew it!

Uh...

Where were you?

Where were you?!

Some townies were trying to get us high,

and we didn't want to offend them,

because they're doing so well in life.

Didn't want to burn a bridge.

Actually, those boys did
burn a bridge last summer.

Luckily they don't get
as bored as they used to.

Okay. Um...

So Jake... is into me.

Is he?

- Yeah!
- What makes you think that?

Because we just necked
out behind the barn.

Seriously, what makes you think that?

Because we put our mouths together,

out behind the barn.

Just so you know, I kissed him too.

Well, that didn't happen.

Who's to say?

Well, when would you
have had time to do that?

Did he invite you to his wood shop?

Sorry, that came out wrong.

Smells like grass in here.

- Oh my God!
- Oh my God!

Okay, this is not okay! What
are you guys doing here?!

Shhh, Alexis!

For once in your life Shhhh!

I don't care what snarky
remarks you kids are gonna make

under your breath, tonight
we are dancing as a family.

What is happening?

Do you know your father and I

hold great affection for the two of you?

It may not always be obvious, but...

Just say it, Moira!

We love you both very much.

Love you too!

Love you too.

-- Corrected by ChrisKe --