Schitt's Creek (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 13 - Town for Sale - full transcript

We're getting out!

We're finally getting out!

Oh my God.

I mean it!

Oh my-oh my God!

Oh my God!

Johnny...

- Synced for Bobikowa -

Told you I'd sell
this town. Didn't I tell you?

Yes. Not to diminish
your accomplishment,

but you did say that a handful of times.



I think eight, to be exact.

It bears repeating.

My little suity-cases! Oh!

David? Should I take this with me?

If I'm being perfectly
honest, it's very low

on the totem pole of coats
of yours that I like, but...

It was a gift from your father.

Hey, that's a good coat.

I outbid Richard Branson for
it at the Kiminski auction.

I did get sick of having
hot coffee and blood thrown at me.

You know who covets this coat? Jocelyn.

I could bestow it upon
her as a parting gift.

We may want to put pen to paper

before we start giving away
designer clothing, sweetheart.



It would be her first piece of clothing

made outside of mainland
China. I'm gonna do it.

Honestly, I cannot
wait to get to the beach.

- What?
- Yeah, I'm going to St. Barts

with Jenna, Leisha, and...

Some other girl with an "ah" name

that I can't quite remember.

- Huh.
- Why? What are you doing?

Well, I'm gonna go to New
York and um... see some people.

Oh! What people?

You don't know them. Just people.

I thought everyone just kind
of dropped you like flies

when you couldn't pick up the
tab at the Waverly anymore?

Well, that's absolutely not true.

I just have a different kind
of relationship with my friends

where we don't need to be in
constant contact with each other.

Okay.

You should um... come to
New York after you're done.

And do what, eat a cronut
at a Brooklyn flea market?

Well, I was thinking
maybe we could get a...

A two-bedroom apartment in Manhattan

and not have to live in Brooklyn.

Honestly, David, and like no offense,

but when I get out of here,
I'm gonna get my own place

so I can pack how I wanna pack

and I don't have to be called
a circus freak all the time.

Ding-dong.

- Moira, hey!
- Hi, Jocelyn.

Gosh, you look so glamorous today.

Oh, thank you. Some days it just works.

Yeah.

So I guess you heard the news.

I heard there was someone
interested in buying...

Yes, we're leaving.

I didn't know it was finalized.

And since we're leaving...

dear God it feels good to be saying that!

I would like to give you this

as a little keepsake to remember me by.

Wow.

Is-is it a wig?

No. It's a coat. It's the coat.

What coat?

The coat you kept going
on about that one time.

Are you sure it was me?

Oh, it's absolutely tragic, Jocelyn,

that I will never see or
speak to you ever again.

- Well...
- But I will have my memories

and you will have this incredible coat.

Goodbye, dear friend.

Goodbye, Moira Rose.

Hey! What're you doing here?

- Um, can I... ?
- Yeah, yeah, come on in.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Um... so big news. We've sold the town.

- Wow. O-okay, and...
- And we're leaving.

We're leaving?

Well, me and my family are leaving.

Oh.

Yeah...

Oh. Okay.

Well, in that case then, um, here,

there's something that I need to show you.

Okay.

Uh...

Originally, we were gonna be on an
all-inclusive vacation when I did this...

What's an all-inclusive vacation?

Alexis Claire Rose... Will you marry me?

Uh... uh...

Yes!

If I was staying, then yes!

A thousand times, yes!

And if things were different
and I wasn't leaving,

um, then definitely yes!

So... is that a no?

Yes... ?

Are you stealing Roland's truck?

Yeah. It's not exactly a Tesla,

but it'll get our bags to the airport.

So you wanted to see me?

Yeah. I had an idea.

Oh-oh.

What if you came with me to New York?

- What?
- Yeah.

Are you ser... really?

Mm-hmm.

- New York?!
- Yeah.

I don't even know what I would do there.

Oh, you just watch a season of "Girls"

and do the opposite of
what they do. It's easy.

You have this like whole life there,

with all these fancy friends...

Who, in my head, at
least all dress like you,

and I feel like I'd get lost in the mix.

Mm-hmm.

Well, all of my friends will
probably be away for the summer

and I have found a really beautiful
two-bedroom in the East Village.

It's beautiful, so...

Oh, two bedroom.

Yeah. I mean, I was
looking at three bedrooms,

but do I really need an
office? I don't... I don't know.

Yeah... right.

You're coming! You're coming to New York!

Pack a bag. Pack two bags.

How many bags do you have?

I'm saving you from this dumpy town.

See you soon!

Oh, Twyla...

Oh, hey, Mr. Rose. I
heard you guys were leaving.

Yes, yes, we are,

and I just wanted to thank you for all
the great service over the past few months.

You're welcome.

Yeah, judging by your tips,
I was never really sure.

Oh. I'll have a coffee
when you get a minute.

Johnny, I gotta talk to you.

Listen, uh... I don't wanna
piss in your punch bowl, okay,

but um... I got a bad feeling about
this buyer guy of yours, Andy...

- Roberts. Right, right.
- Roberts.

Very successful. His family made
a fortune in the shelving business.

Okay, fine. Um...

He called me while he was
bumping uglies with this old lady.

Oh no, really?

But that's not the problem. The problem
is he put me on the speaker phone.

I mean, who would do such a thing?

I mean, that's something you would do.

- As soon as he put me on his speakerphone...
- No, no,

- I thought of you.
- That's not something...

and I can't deal with another you.

But-but-but don't worry, 'cause...

- Well, I am worried!
- It'll be fine. Roland.

- This is the guy who's gonna buy the town?
- Just relax.

Yeah, and here's the kicker...

The second one was a hooker too!

Yeah, yeah. Okay, see ya. See ya.

Excuse me, honey,

do you know where I can find Johnny Rose?

I got a meeting with this freakin' douche.

The
douchebag is right here.

So... you're leaving.

What'd Ted say about that?

Uh... he proposed.

Really.

So what'd you tell him?

I told him I was leaving.

But if you weren't, you would?

'Kay, is this a Barbara
Walter special or something?

I'm leaving. That's it.

You don't seem to be crying about it.

I think it's nice you're
going back to your natural habitat.

I'm not a dolphin, Mutt.

You know what I meant. I'm happy for you.

Oh. I'm glad you're happy about it.

You know, you should really work on

expanding your emotional
range at some point.

So what you're saying is,
he got a little short with you?

You, uh, you weren't
quite seeing eye to eye?

So, are we gonna sign this puppy or what?

Oh, there's a good idea!

Andy, I've got the bill of sale right here,

and... if you wanna put your John
Hancock right there on that first tab...

Whoa-Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba.

Hold on a second here. I
think I got a better idea.

- What's that?
- Why don't you come over to the house tonight

and try some of Jocelyn's
famous mac and cheese.

We can sign this then.

- And cheese...
- Or... or we can sign it now,

and then we can dive
into some mac and cheese.

- Right here, Andy.
- I... I love it.

You know, I could really
use a good home-cooked meal.

Well, right after we
sign, we can all have one.

And according to Roland
here, Jocelyn's hot stuff.

I can't leave town without meeting her.

But then again, if she's that hot

what's she doing with this guy?

I can't help it if she's got taste!

Oh yeah, right. Yeah, taste. Yeah.

Well, excuse you in that coat!

I know! Jocelyn gave it to me.

What?! Knock-off's are
getting so good these days.

Thanks. I can't wait till winter.

I'm gonna feel like Patty LaBelle.

So you did good work, princess.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

Perfect attendance,
nothing but glowing reviews.

And you must have done
a some number on Mutt.

What do you mean?

His hours were up a month
ago, he kept coming anyway.

- What?
- Yeah, maybe he just got bored...

Or maybe he just likes
pretty girls in hippy hats.

Know what I mean, string bean?

That's a lot of bags.

There's still some space
for you though, so don't worry!

Yeah... so, um, about New York.

Uh, it sounds amazing,
but I can't do it, so...

Wha-what-what-? Why? What?

Uh, I don't think we're on the same page

with what going to New York means.

Okay. What does it...
does it mean... something?

Ugh...

I like you.

I don't want to like you but I do...

And so sharing a space
with you as roommates

isn't gonna work for me.

Um... so I'm gonna take a pass, but um...

I'm sure you have a lot of friends

who would love to live with you.

Yeah, not as many as you'd think, so...

Um... okay.

Well, thank you for being honest and um...

I wish I could fix this situation.

Um... you've been a great friend.

You've been my o-only friend,
so... great, nevertheless.

Um... you've made my life here survivable.

Survivable. Thank-thank you.

That is the nicest thing
anyone has ever said to me.

So now I'm gonna go
back to New York... by myself

and um... and you can just stay here then.

Yeah.

I think that's... That's how it has to be.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Okay, bye.

Yeah, my granddad...

Opened our family's first shelf factory

in a small town just like this one.

I tell you, this place is
bursting with opportunity.

Well, bursting seems to
be the operative word.

- Mm! So good!
- Whoa! Slow down there, pal!

We got dinner coming
and a big desert after...

- Oh.
- Sex in a pan.

Oh?

Then we'll have dessert!

I love it! This guy's
a prince. He's a prince!

So... did you try it on?

- What?
- The coat.

The one I gave you.

Yes. It's... it's great.

- Not too snug?
- Nope.

Buttoned right up.

It zips.

Zips. It zipped right up!

You didn't try it on, did you?

No. Oh, why not?

It's a great coat! At
least let us see it on you.

I gave it away.

I'm sorry.

It just... it didn't suit me
and... I thought about Ronnie

and you know she could always use some
more feminine pieces in her wardrobe,

and so I took it over to
her and she really liked it,

so I paid it... forward.

Well, Jocelyn, there are...

certain things that are just not done:

Smoking in a car with a baby,
unless you crack a window;

tipping before tax;
mixing drinks with cola;

and giving away a coat
that doesn't belong to you.

It's open.

Hey. Um... I just came to say...

That we'll be leaving as soon
as the sale's signed, so...

You must be super excited.

Yeah.

Why did you do all that
extra community service, Mutt?

Extra community service?

Ronnie said that your
hours ended a long time ago, so...

I like to stay active.

Really?

What do you want me to say?

Well, could it maybe be
because of the fact that you...

Enjoy my company?

Sure.

Don't you even care that I'm leaving?

Of course I care.

- Then what're you doing?
- Why are you yelling?

Okay, I'm gonna ask you one more time.

Mutt, why did you do that
extra community service?

You know why!

Why can't you just say it?

What a lovely surprise!
Come on in. How are ya?

I'm just wondering if my dad is here.

Yeah, your dad's here.

Uh, Johnny?

Your kid's here.

- Does he wanna come in?
- I don't think so.

He doesn't wanna come in, okay.

David, what're you doing here?

I'm just wondering when you think
we're gonna have the check ready?

Well, this is not the time for that, David.

Okay, well, you gave
me this town as a gift,

so I feel like I'm owed a little bit more.

So fifty percent for me,
fifty percent for you.

David, I'm in the middle
of something important.

Well, if I'm gonna be going
to New York, by myself,

then I'm gonna need a
little bit more money.

- Well, that's not gonna happen.
- Well, it has to happen.

- It's not gonna happen.
- Well, it has to...

Talk to the hand, son,

because I've got to watch a pig eat.

What did David want?

As owner of the town, he wants half.

- I tell you, Joc, this freakin' delicious! Mm!
- Everyone's so greedy.

Well, let me take your plates.

Okay, good.

There you go.

Um, Andy, you look a little dewy.

- Oh.
- I'll get you some fresh coffee.

Oh, good idea.

Is it just me or is it this dessert

that's-that's making me horny?

I think it's just you, Andy.

- Oh.
- You know what?

I think I should let you guys do the nasty.

And
then sign the contract!

You! This guy! This guy!

Oh, he's a prince, isn't he?

Yeah, he's a prince. Yup.

Okay, well... I think
you are getting bargain...

- Really?
- With this, Andy.

And to make things easy,

I'm going to uh... Put
my signature down first.

How 'bout that?

$975,000 dollars! Wow.

That's a heck of a lot of cheddar!

Don't you think so, sweet cheeks?

Sweet cheeks? Aren't you
the old fashioned charmer.

Oh! Rrrow!

Ready for your signature, Andy.

Drum roll please.

You know, Andy, $975,000

suddenly seems like such a girly number.

What are we doing, honey?

I mean, a million...
That's bold, that's sexy.

That's quite the
little lady you have there.

You know, I think the little lady's right.

What's an extra $25,000, Andy?

Come on, it's chump change.

It's cab fare. $25,000? For you?

Come on. You can cough it up.

All right, let's call it
a million! What the heck!

Yes! Yes!

There we go!

Just initial and
sign on the dotted line.

Sign on...

What's happening? What?

Oh my God! Andy! Andy!

We had him, we had him. We had...

Okay, put the pen in his
hand. Sign! He was going to sign.

- Here we go, here we go.
- He was going to sign!

- You, sign!
- Andy?

- He wanted to sign, John.
- Here we go.

- He wants the town.
- That's it, that's it. Just on the line.

What is happening here?!

What? What happened? Oh no! Andy! What...

Circulation, Johnny!
Circulation in his hand...

Circulation? He can't
even hold a pen, the poor guy.

- There. He needs...
- Circulation.

Over the line, over the line.

I'm gonna call an ambulance.

What? No! Wait!
No, no, no, no! No, not yet!

- Look, he's looking better already.
- Wake up, Andy!

People do come out of comas

Oh, I'd kill for
a good coma right now.

- Hey.
- Where were you?

I was out. So
I'm gonna go keep packing.

Wait.

John? I don't have the heart.

The deal fell through, honey.

So when are we leaving?

We're not leaving, Alexis.
We didn't sell.

We're not leaving?

Oh...

Are you going to be all right?

I'm pretty sure I'm engaged,

and I'm pretty sure I
just cheated on my fiance.

She'll be okay.
Where's your brother?

Who?

David!

- Corrected by ChrisKe -