Scarecrow and Mrs. King (1983–1987): Season 4, Episode 11 - Santa's Got a Brand New Bag - full transcript
Lee has to learn the meaning of Christmas as a toy company is used as a front for munitions.
[CHOIR SINGING]
MAN: Merry Christmas.
[LOCK BEEPING]
OFFICER: Hold it right there.
Merry Christmas.
WOMAN: I would have expected a
better... OFFICER: Hey, I told you to stop.
MAN: No, it was the
wizards of early welsh sagas...
that promoted the
powers of mistletoe.
And of course these, uh, druids expected
something far different than the...
There's Amanda.
Excuse me. I have to go.
Merry Christmas.
- Is he still following
me? AMANDA: Who?
FRANCINE: Beaman.
One o'clock and closing fast.
One eggnog a year and his
libido kicks into overdrive, mm.
You gotta give me the
recipe for these cookies.
- Hmm.
- We can hide by the punch bowl.
Okay.
- Oh, hi, Mrs. King. How are
you? AMANDA: Hi, Leatherneck.
- Hi, Francine. FRANCINE: Hmm.
- Look, I'm sorry about the decorations.
- Oh, the decorations look wonderful.
Yeah, yeah, but they cut
my budget by half this season.
I had to scratch for everything.
But it is amazing what you can do...
with all those red and green things
you find in a munitions locker, right?
Aren't we the luckiest
people in the world?
Oh, yes, Efraim, this is the
season to count our blessings.
- I meant Francine and me.
- Ah.
Can't you just feel the magic?
That magic's gonna hurt in the
morning, buddy. Great cookies, Mrs. King.
- Excuse me. Oh,
hi. FRANCINE: Uh...
We were just on our
way to the punch bowl.
See you later, Efraim.
EFRAIM: I know right where it
is. Follow me. Coming through.
AMANDA: Good Efraim, heh.
Uh-huh, Francine, Amanda, help
yourself to Mrs. Melrose's cakes.
- Oh, thank you, sir. Merry Christmas.
- Thank you.
Uh, this is... Here you
are. This is something else.
Read the inscription.
- "To one of the good guys."
All right. AMANDA: Heh.
[ALL CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]
I'm gonna wear this
with pride. Thank you, all.
Efraim, is this yours?
Let's talk.
My wife soaked these in
something new this year.
Oh, well, we enjoyed
ours last year, sir.
Uh, do you think I can have one
of those before they all disappear?
Oh, sure, go ahead. Here take
a whole... There you go, heh.
Oh, you sure know how to
put together a Christmas cookie.
Well, thank you, sir.
- Efraim, ugh, why do you do this?
- What?
Last year you had one
glass of punch and then
you gave me the pink
slip to your Buick...
and begged me to run off to
Greece with you to raise goats.
- So?
- Has anybody seen Lee?
Uh, yes, sir. He's up in the Q-Bureau
working on the Brandenburg file.
- No, he's not. I closed that last night.
- Well, he's up there working on something.
Look who put himself
on the duty roster.
- How did he do that?
- Beats me.
We all work too hard not to take some
time off at Christmas, including Lee.
Get up to the Q-Bureau
and get some spirit in the guy.
- That's a Christmas order.
- Yes, sir.
- Did I give you one of these already?
- Yes.
- Hello, sir, Merry Christmas.
- Ditto, King.
- Are you looking for the party?
- I'm packing some GC's for the gang.
Gift certificates, King.
- Point me in the right direction.
- Right there in the bullpen.
Oh, here.
- Pick up a bauble, on me.
- Thank you, sir. Merry Christmas.
- Don't ever do that again.
- I won't, sir.
- Thanks. Peace on Earth, okay?
- Yes, sir.
AMANDA: Hi. LEE: Hi.
- We're all waiting for you downstairs.
- Oh, the party started already, huh?
Yeah.
I got all wrapped up
in this report and forgot.
Well, would you look at that? I
think Santa Claus has been here.
Oh, no, ugh.
Is Billy handing out
those cakes again?
Come on. Jeanie makes
these cakes every year
just to spread a
little Christmas cheer.
I don't know why you're
so hard to get in the mood.
- I am not hard to get in the mood.
- You are impossible to get in the mood.
- Amanda...
- We ought to grab an eggnog downstairs...
then I can take you to the nearest
mall and I'll help you do your shopping.
[PHONE RINGING] Oh.
[SIGHS]
- Yeah, Stetson.
- Lee, it's Bernie. Bernie Jakes.
Bernie, how are you?
I think that I'm
being taken for a ride.
- I don't like that, Bernie.
- Well, listen, don't you want the details?
- I can be there in 10 minutes.
- Ugh.
Are you all right?
Bernie, you're an old
friend. I'd be glad to help you.
You sit there and I will be
there in 10 minutes. Bye.
Well?
If he wasn't such an old friend,
ugh, I wouldn't run off like this.
- Whoa, whoa.
- It's probably nothing.
But look, I'll be back in an hour
and then we'll go do that shopping.
- I can go with you. We can go shopping...
- One hour.
It's gonna be another
scarf this year.
MAN: He used the
party as a cover to get in.
Jakes. You should have let
me kill him six months ago.
Always the wrecking ball with
you, Ingle. Never the fine strokes.
So he got a look at the tank, he
doesn't know what we're doing.
He's a problem we don't
need two days before delivery.
A delay won't go well back in East
Berlin. Germans admire punctuality.
So who's gonna believe
this disgruntled ex-employee?
- Why take the risk?
- I don't want you to kill him, Ingle.
Once we start killing people, we're
into a whole other level of concern.
Perhaps I'll just
slow him down a little.
BERNIE: They've been noodling with
my original tank design for over a year.
- I thought Titan laid you off months ago.
- They did.
But that didn't make
any difference to their
hotshot MIT Research
and Development team.
- They kept working on
it. LEE: How do you know?
Uh, a lot of the Engineers, they
hang out at a bar over near the plant.
- I hear things.
- Hmm.
I built the original prototype
to that tank 10 years ago.
Mr. Lomax, he
loved it at the time...
but he didn't think that it would go good
in his toy line. He didn't like war toys.
So he put it on
the shelf for this.
- Heh.
- Never seen Harry Bing the Strange Thing?
Bernie, I wasn't
much for toys as a kid.
[CHUCKLES]
Sticks to anything.
Brings in a million
a year for Titan, heh.
A million a year?
I don't know. We were
one big happy family...
until this guy Falcon
comes along...
buys the place and
changes the whole ball game.
- Where'd he come from?
- Who knows?
Don't play with that.
He came in here, hired a bunch
of PhDs right out of college...
compartmentalized all the
workstations and went high-tech.
Lee, every door is locked,
everything is a big secret.
Well, we live in an
age of secrets, Bernie.
Yeah, but this guy,
he's nuts about it.
Want some cider?
Yeah. Sure, heh.
[ROBOT APPROACHING]
- Here you go.
- Heh, thanks.
So he goes high-tech,
all the old-time
engineers get their
walking papers, then what?
Uh, I thought that I would be around
for a while after he revived my tank.
I mean, the whole place
was buzzing over the R&D...
that was supposed to
go into my original design.
We were supposed to be
in the stores by Christmas...
but, uh, this is it
from Titan this year.
Walter, the singing frog.
Go ahead, push his beanie.
- What, heh?
- Go, push the beanie.
All right.
[TOY SINGING]
[TOY STOPS]
[SIGHS]
LEE: So, what happened to your tank?
- Oh.
Well, the day before we were
supposed to hit the assembly line...
Falcon decides that it wouldn't turn a
profit and he locked up the prototype.
And then, at the last minute,
he takes Walter here...
and slaps him right
onto the market.
I saw the tank, Lee, it's no different
from the one that I made 10 years ago.
Balsa wood, plastic
bullets, sparks. That's it.
So where'd all the R&D
go? Up the chimney?
Heh, Whacky Kat.
Supposedly the next
hot item from Titan.
A squirt gun has got
more high-tech inside of it.
Look, Falcon didn't hire a lot of MIT
engineers just to sit on their hands.
Now, what is going on, Bernie?
- I've seen it happen before.
- What?
A big company, they promise
a designer a toy, develop it...
and then they put it on the shelf claiming
that it's too expensive to mass produce.
Then they turn around and then
they sell the guts to another company.
And the designer's left holding the
bag, no bonuses, no royalties, no credit.
Lee, please, can you help me?
Toys are hardly my expertise.
Huh, and I suppose that putting little
cameras in wristwatches were mine...
- when you were in trouble?
- All right.
But I can't promise
you anything.
Anything would be better
than me sitting here wondering...
if I'm on the bad end
of a million-dollar rip-off.
[MAN PLAYING KEYBOARD]
- Oh, that's fantastic.
- Heh, one finger.
It's incredible, isn't
it? Hope you like it.
- Thank you, sweetheart.
- I set it up early for the boys.
Philip's already mastered
the Marine Corps Hymn.
It's great to have you
here for Christmas.
Good to be here.
[DOTTY GROANS]
What's the matter?
Will someone go upstairs and tell my sister
that you do not cook a goose in tinfoil?
Mother, are you already
at each other's throats?
She hasn't even
been here a whole day.
Why don't we just relax,
play some Christmas carols...
and work on that
nog in the refrigerator?
Lillian wanted to get
into that before lunch.
[CHUCKLES]
It's beginning to sound
a lot like Christmas.
Why does she come here
and think that she can...
[SHOUTING] take over my kitchen?
Mother. I'll talk to her. Okay?
I hope so.
AMANDA: Hey, hey,
hey, what's going on here?
Fellas, no running in
the house. Fellas, stop.
Now, what's going on?
Oh, Philip was trying to
put that white stuff in my hair.
Why in the world would he
wanna put white stuff in your hair...
when you've already got
that silver stuff in your hair?
Oh, and Aunt Lily's
up on our room crying.
Mother.
What did you say
to Aunt Lillian?
Nothing. Nothing.
We were just discussing
the menu for tomorrow night.
Well, there might have been a
certain amount of bodily contact.
Boys, come on over here.
MAN: Okay. Here's Walt's guts.
The hottest chip in this
frog is the N.A.C. 735.
It's your basic 10-year-old
op-amp oscillator.
What else you got?
- Very low tech. LEE: Yeah.
What I got is, uh, the last
of the Titan Christmas line.
Here's a Tombstone fanner.
And, uh, spud .45, I
don't know, the most
sophisticated thing in
either one is a spring.
I had this exact same
pistol when I was a kid.
[CHUCKLES]
Nothing like the smell
of caps in the morning.
Yeah, right.
Look, they're probably taking
down the banquet tables right now.
- I gotta get down there and help.
- Thanks a lot, Leatherneck.
You know, the IRS audited
Titan Toys a couple of months ago.
Now, according to
Falcon's budget...
he uses most of his money
for research and development.
Very high-tech research and
development. But where is it going?
Beats me.
- I'll see you.
- I'll take the toys back to Bernie.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[CHUCKLES]
Is anybody there?
[DEVICE WAILS]
WOMAN [OVER PHONE]:
911, what's your emergency?
[RASPING] Help.
WOMAN [OVER
PHONE]: Hello? Hello?
Thirteen-sixty-one,
what is your emergency?
We have your address, tell
us the type of emergency.
Hello?
Can you hear me?
Thirteen-sixty-one,
what is your emergency?
LEE: Bernie.
Bernie, are you all
right? Open the door.
Bernie.
Bernie?
Bernie.
[BERNIE COUGHS]
[SIREN WAILS]
It obviously began in the
Christmas tree. It happens every year.
Bernie almost bought
it with smoke inhalation.
Now, he's not laid up in a
hospital because he was careless.
Look, Lee, Christmas
lights are fragile at best.
Yes.
The insulation
breaks down easily.
One of the lights goes off,
the fumes overcome Bernie...
he falls off the ladder
and he bangs his head.
What about the flash, huh?
He said he saw a bright flash
just before he hit his head.
One of the bulbs went off.
Look, I know Jakes is your friend. But
whatever it is, the police can handle it.
I see what's going on here.
You think I'm trying to invent work so
that I'll duck out on the holidays, right?
- You do it every year.
- What do you want me to do, huh?
You want me to, uh,
write a letter to Santa
Claus? Paint little
reindeer on my windows?
I have a friend
who's in trouble.
And if you're not gonna back me up
through this agency, I'll handle it myself.
I know you will.
- But all work and no play...
- Makes Lee a dull boy.
You suggesting I don't
know how to enjoy myself?
Only at this time of the year.
Bah, humbug!
LEE: What's wrong with
this store? AMANDA: Nothing.
You didn't buy
anything. I'm done.
I know. That's because I wanna get
something special for special people.
I know, I found it.
Scarves for everyone.
Everybody likes a scarf. Everyone
needs one. One size fits all.
- And they're already wrapped.
- Hmm, you can't beat it, can you?
- Uh-huh.
- You know, the agency is easy.
But to tell the truth, I don't
know what to get Phillip or Jamie.
- They're not expecting anything.
- Well, that's not the point.
I don't wanna go there
empty-handed. I've got an obligation.
You shouldn't think
of it as an obligation.
Responsibility, duty, whatever.
My uncle use to take me to the department
stores, he'd give me an option...
I'd pick out what I wanted
and he'd buy it for me.
- Joe's gonna be there, right?
- Right.
- He's gonna bring them stuff, right?
- Yeah.
- I don't wanna look bad.
- You're not gonna look bad.
- How about that?
- Sure, the boys could use a new football.
No, not the
football, the trains.
- Sweetheart.
- What?
That train must cost 2 or $300. We
don't buy the boys gifts that expensive.
All right, it was just an idea.
I mean, both your boys are getting
too old for this kind of stupid junk.
What do you mean,
like Mr. Melodious Frog?
They had one of these years ago.
Joe brought it home from Japan.
- Years ago.
- Mm-hmm.
That's Walter the Singing
Frog, heh, Amanda.
No, this is Mr. Melodious Frog.
I guess it's just an updated
version or something.
You push his beanie and he plays
everything from Beethoven to the Beatles.
Batteries not included.
Why would Titan Toys have
a lab full of MIT graduates...
if they're just importing
toys from Japan?
- Amanda, wait a second. Wait a second.
- I don't know.
- Here.
- No.
I gotta make a call. Take these
back to the agency, please?
- Oh, please, no.
- Please. One more hour.
One more hour and then we'll pick
up shopping where we left off. Please.
- I love you.
- Oh.
[SIGHS]
MAN: Merry Christmas.
SANTA CLAUS: Merry
Christmas to you, and thank you.
Hello.
MAN: Merry Christmas. WOMAN:
I'll bring my daughter back.
Thank you, merry Christmas.
- Sounds good, T.P.
- Thank you, Lee.
- When's intermission?
- Right now.
Let's take five and then
we'll swing at the bar.
- Hey, ho-ho-ho.
- Huh?
- Let me help you with that.
- Oh, I don't mind if you do.
- All right.
- Thank you.
- There we go.
- Fine.
Hmm.
So...
Pick you dig up anything
about Titan Toys?
Short notice but, uh, I collected
a little I.O.U. at the S.E.C.
A lot of highly kinetic
wheeling and dealing going on.
It's a big business.
Eleven-million bucks plus in '85.
A moderately successful
old-line toy manufacturer.
But about a year ago, a fellow named
Maxwell Falcon began to buy it up.
Since then, he's been
selling off its assets.
He's still making toys.
That strange thing that
sticks to the ceiling, toy guns.
Yeah, but under license
arrangement. Barely making a profit.
He doesn't own
those things anymore.
He lured about 20 new PhDs from
some very lucrative defense jobs.
- Top-drawer prospects too.
- Hmm.
- That took some quick capital.
- Uh, indeed.
And if he doesn't get a payoff for all
those R&D bucks pretty soon, it's tap city.
- Oh, thank you,
sir. MAN: Surely.
Thank you, T.P.
- Oh, Scarecrow?
- Yeah.
Haven't you forgotten something?
What? Oh, yeah.
Argh.
Before we begin our tour...
I'd like to remind you of tomorrow
night's children's Christmas pageant.
This year, as every year, we're donating
thousands of toys to needy children.
It's Titan's way of wishing
everyone a happy holiday.
There'll be music
and a special show.
Any tax-deductible
donations will be appreciated.
Now we'll show you how Titan
Toys is earning a reputation...
for having
tomorrow's toys today.
I hope this doesn't take long. A
tour was the only easy way to get in.
We're not gonna find out
much following that tour guide.
Well, I can't do very
much without a diversion.
Come on.
Our first stop will be our
state-of-the-art model-making facility.
- Oh, my goodness.
- What?
I've lost my contact lens. I should've
waited till I got to the ladies' room.
- It felt like a big rock in my eye.
- Don't touch... Don't touch it.
The only way we're gonna
find it is with a damp cloth.
- Excuse me.
- Sir.
- Could you get us a damp cloth, please?
- Yes.
Oh, sure.
- Watch it.
- Please, please. Tip-toe, very carefully.
Thank you very much.
Thank you so much.
Really do appreciate that.
[AMANDA WHISPERING] Let's go.
Let's go.
Come on.
Yeah.
Let's go in here.
- What's that stuff?
- I don't know.
- All this for toys.
- Yeah.
He showed up just as I set the
fire. He pulled the old man out.
Seems as though Bernie got
himself a detective or something.
We can't come so
close and fail now.
Nobody's failing.
Tell your government to
expect delivery as promised.
And on time.
- Not if this detective knows...
- Knows what?
I got a factory full of engineers
doing weapons-grade research...
and they all think they're
making just sophisticated toys.
Perhaps not Bernard Jakes.
I could've picked anything...
but I had to take his ridiculous toy tank
off the shelf to front for real tank R&D.
I suggested we kill him when
he first became a problem.
Then it didn't seem
necessary. Now it does.
Bernie?
Oh, hi, Lee.
Thanks for coming.
- This is for you.
- Oh, thanks a lot.
Oh, boy.
Yeah, you know, I figure
everyone can use a scarf, right?
Yeah. I sure got a lot of use out of
the one that you gave me last year...
and the year
before that one too.
Do you remember much
of what happened, Bernie?
Well, let's see, uh.
All I remember is this that this big flash
of light hits me square in the eyes...
I tumbled off the ladder,
and then it was lights out.
Take a look at these.
Familiar?
Oh, yeah, well, I never had
my hands on one of these.
But it looks like a Norton
and McCormick bench tester.
They use this mainly
for laser optics. Why?
I took those shots at the
Titan Toys security area.
What are they doing
with one of those?
That's my question exactly. It's
strictly used for defense application.
Yeah.
- Nurse. Mr. Jakes.
LEE: Look at this.
[CHUCKLES]
- Merry Christmas, Mr. Jakes.
- Oh, terrific. Oh, thanks.
Well, thanks a lot,
everybody, heh.
Uh, Bernie, don't you
wanna wait till Christmas?
Oh, Lee, you know I can't
wait to open up a present.
Anyway, there might be something
to eat in here. The food here is terrible.
Oh.
Get down!
All right, they survived the blast.
Any information on the man with Jakes?
I can't find out who he is.
But I won't need another shot
at him till we make the delivery.
The engineers
will work all night.
- It's Christmas Eve.
- So what if it's Christmas Eve?
You're paying me 20 million
for R&D on a main battle tank.
You think I'm gonna blow all that
business because it's Christmas Eve?
You're lucky you're not
sharing Bernie's hospital room.
I don't think either of us would've
liked that. I put a 24-hour guard on him.
Well, at least it shows that he wasn't
playing the disgruntled-employee game.
Obviously he's got
somebody worried.
This year, for a change, I thought
I'd keep you out of the field...
but you've got my okay
to black bag the factory.
- Good.
- What's with the pictures?
Well, they confirm what we saw.
Their R&D labs are definitely
stocked with high-tech equipment.
Wind tunnels and
laser trajectories?
What could these things have to
do with rubber dolls and trucks?
I don't know. It's hard to say.
If they're gearing up
for a line of toy weapons,
they'd have put R&D
into Bernie's tank model.
But you know what he found?
It's still made of balsa wood.
Get going on it. Amanda
will give you a hand.
Right.
- Christmas Eve.
- What?
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, yeah.
We'll start with the little
watering hole near Falcon's plant.
If his engineers have
had some holiday cheer...
they might be a little
loose-lipped about security.
[BOTH LAUGH]
I got this one.
Wait a minute. I thought that you guys said
that you had to be back to work tonight.
[BOTH LAUGH]
[CHUCKLES]
Just give her an
empty bar stool...
and she can bag a Bulgarian
double agent in about 35 minutes.
Three wise men here don't
know what's about to hit them.
WOMAN: A little time to tell you
about our profit participation program.
You know what? This is turning out
to be a great Christmas Eve, hmm?
We are working. We are
sitting in a bar, working.
We're not singing Christmas
carols, we're not opening presents...
we're not going to Church.
We are sitting in a bar,
working on Christmas Eve.
And I know that. I know that.
If I had a family, I think I might
like to do those things, but...
Well, all the folks at our shop are home
counting their Christmas bonuses, heh.
I'm sure you could
tell us a hundred
reasons why we should
work for your company.
But there is no way you can
beat the money that Titan pays.
Okay, maybe we
can't beat the money...
but in terms of creative
freedom, we are hard to beat.
We have a research
budget that's wide open.
And next year, we're
getting into lasers.
Heh, lady, we're
already into lasers.
The damn thing makes Stanford
research look like a flashlight.
Oh, you're into lasers, huh?
What about, uh, fiber optics?
We've got everything
but a launching pad.
Well, Francine isn't going to get
anymore prime into the pump, ah.
I'm sure we could always
use someone like you.
Just keep talking, smart guy. You're
into about 10 grand in fines already.
Amanda Kane, Lee Steadman, Titan Security.
Can we see some identification, please?
Happy holidays, boys.
Where were you when we had
our industrial espionage talks?
Calm down. We were just
having a little Christmas cheer.
Maybe at MIT or Stanford or
wherever you college boys are from...
they don't teach loyalty
and esprit de corps.
I'll just bet you understand
a nice stiff fine though.
What'd we say that was so
terrible? I didn't go into specifics.
Well, you'll have to go into
quite a few specifics with us.
Mm-hmm, shall we start with
clearance areas, gentlemen?
They sure were pushing hard
on a project that's been shelved.
Yeah. On Christmas Eve to boot.
Why the emergency, huh?
I'd sure love to
crack this for Bernie.
Let's get to the plant
and find out what we can...
and maybe we'll still have
time for a Christmas Eve dinner.
- Yeah. Let's go.
- Yeah.
This is from Aunt Lillian.
What do you think?
Red sweater,
just like last year.
She left the price tag on it
again, maybe we can exchange it.
- Sounds good to me.
- I heard that.
Now, leave those alone. We're
gonna open presents right after Church.
Those shoes could use polish.
Uh, it's up in our room and
Aunt Lillian's got the door locked.
- Her headache's back.
- I think we ought to leave her here.
I don't need her snoring
next to me in the pew.
I'll see if she wants to go.
Better hurry up and get ready.
- Let's go. Come on.
- Come on.
[PHONE RINGING]
Goose is in the oven, it'll be ready
when we get back from Church.
Which, by the way,
will be in 45 minutes.
Of course, sweetheart. Well,
the boys will be disappointed.
Any chance you could catch
up with us at the church?
Oh, don't tell me. She's
going to be late again?
Now, don't worry. I understand.
We'll see you back
here for presents.
Okay, bye-bye.
[SIGHS]
Just once, I would like to have my
daughter home on time for Christmas Eve...
- and my sister's hands off the goose.
- Heh.
I suggest we step up the pace, gentlemen.
We don't wanna be here all night.
We could do this on Monday.
MAN: We have an investor
who wants the latest.
So just get the data on
tape and we can all go home.
We've got an hour to
dump all the databases...
receive imagery, laser tracking,
fiber optics, control monitoring.
- There's a lot of systems in that toy.
- Yeah, just do it.
Let's see if there's
another way in.
Most people use the front.
WOMAN: Let's get a move on, kids,
we still have to get everyone in costume.
Kris Kringle and his reindeer
are back that way, honey.
Don't miss them.
Come on, guys. You
got a couple hundred kids
out there going
bonkers. Let's roll, huh?
We're federal agents. Why don't you give
this up before you dig yourself deeper?
Our dispatcher knows we're
here. We already filed a preliminary.
I don't think so.
You would've shut me down
long before I got close to delivery.
Inside please.
American agents inside your operation and
we haven't even received the pilot project.
Which is why I insisted on
an escrow account, Ingle.
The data dump's gonna
be completed by 9.
If for any reason
we fail to deliver...
True. It's your problem.
I've got the midnight flight
with or without the designs.
It'll be Christmas in
Dresden in an hour.
They ring the bells...
play the Christmas
pageant in the church.
Oddly enough, they still
celebrate Christmas in the GDR.
Wait for me in the
computer room.
- I'll kill them now.
- Absolutely not.
If there's a chance that these two have
backup, we can't leave the bodies here.
There's a couple of hundred
children crawling these halls.
You wanna carry them past
the kids like a couple of yule logs?
I'll take care of this.
First, I've got about
20 rent-a-cops I gotta
move away from
the back of the plant...
before I can get
them out that way. Go.
[SIGHS]
Just another Christmas Eve
trapped in a nest of killers.
This is getting to be our
own little holiday tradition.
Look, we're in a jam but we can't
stew about it. We gotta figure a way out.
We'd need a satchel
charge to blow these hinges.
I suppose you're gonna say
we can count on a miracle or two.
- Well, it's the season for them.
- Yeah.
Three years ago, we were surrounded
by a bunch of Russians. We got out of that.
There's gotta be a way
we can get out of this.
Well, we'll never get out through the
ceiling. There's six inches of overhead.
Okay, well, come down.
We don't have a heck
of a lot to work with.
Mm-mm.
Heh.
Walter, the Singing Frog.
Baby Teardrops.
Oh.
And the good old trusty
tombstone fanner, heh.
It's all I needed when I was 8.
[SIGHS]
- Amanda.
- Yeah?
Check the shelves, see if you can
find some more caps and batteries.
These things must
come with batteries.
Okay, I got some batteries. They're
double A's, only a volt and a half.
That's fine. We'll wire
them together in series.
Yeah.
Here's a whole bunch of caps,
and a whole bunch of batteries.
- How do you make her cry?
- Oh, well, you just...
- Rock the baby. Rock the baby.
- Amanda?
- Amanda?
- You squeeze her stomach.
- Squeeze her stomach just like this.
- Yeah.
- Look, tears. See? Squeeze.
- Okay.
Let's find something
to contain the water.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, and give me your dress.
WOMAN: Children, please. I want
everyone in the procession on stage.
Hands, please.
Well, I guess things
are going your way.
You deserve a round
of applause, huh?
[EXPLODES]
[GUN SHOT]
[GROANS]
They're loading all the data...
They're loading all the data on a
mainframe onto mag cores for the trip East.
- No prototon?
- Prototype.
- I knew that.
- It's all electronic.
You ready?
[CLEARS THROAT]
Merry Christmas.
Stay in your seats. Federal agents.
We're here to confiscate this material.
You two get around.
- I'm gonna go get him. Call
Billy for backup. AMANDA: Yeah.
And on this, the very first Christmas,
the three wise men entered the stable.
CHILDREN: Santa!
All right, kids. Listen, kids, get down.
Get out of the way. Get down. Please.
Let me go. Please, get
down. Go away. Get on, go.
Come on, Santa!
Children, please.
Make it a clean shot. Please,
don't fire into these kids, huh?
Drop it, Ingle.
Drop it.
WOMAN: Children, please.
Please take your
seat and be quiet.
Let's go.
Ho-ho-ho-ho.
Merry Christmas,
children, ha-ha.
- Do you still believe in
Santa Claus? ALL: Yes!
Tonight, so do I.
Let's go.
Amanda, I really ought to
go see Bernie at the hospital.
Are you kidding? It's freezing
out here. Get in the house.
- I can't.
- What do you mean, you can't?
Yes, you can.
They're all gonna be
wondering what I'm doing here.
They're not gonna be
wondering what you're doing here.
- Well, it's about time.
- Mother, I'm sorry we're late.
- Oh, come on. Come
on in. LEE: Hi, Mrs. West.
- Amanda, I have to...
- Can you believe this snowstorm?
[LEE SHIVERS]
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
Thank you, Mother.
That's a pretty apron.
Aunt Lillian made it, all
hand-embroidered. Can you imagine?
- That's why she didn't come down.
- Really?
She was afraid she wouldn't get it
ready for Christmas. Lillian, they're here.
Amanda's boyfriend is here.
- I'm sorry about that.
- Yeah.
- Hi, everybody. Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
Hi, Mr. Stetson. Glad
you could be here.
You should see the gnarly
skateboard my grandma got me.
Hey, Mom. Mom,
I made this for you.
Well, sweetheart, it's so big.
Well, I built the whole
thing by myself. Well, almost.
Dad helped me fix the
legs, it kept falling over.
- Hi, sweetheart.
- Hi.
- Merry Christmas.
- It's a spice rack.
- Merry Christmas, Lee.
- Thanks, Joe. You too.
- Thank you.
- Oh, Mom, it can hold 213 spices.
Well, then we'll never
run out of room for spices.
Here you go,
Mr. Stetson. It's a scarf.
No, no, no, sweetheart, we're
not gonna open presents yet.
- I kept it warm, I make no promises.
- Thank you.
- Oh, looks delicious.
- Jamie.
- Here, Lee.
- Let's get some wood for the fire.
Now, you just sit here and eat.
- I'm gonna go get Lillian.
- All right, heh.
- Oh, well, look at this.
- Ah.
I see what you mean.
Christmases here in the
King house are pretty special.
Your present's at the Q-Bureau.
Oh, well, mine for you is,
uh... Well, it's at the apartment.
- But guess what.
- What?
I got my present already.
- Merry Christmas.
- Yeah.
[English - US -SDH]
MAN: Merry Christmas.
[LOCK BEEPING]
OFFICER: Hold it right there.
Merry Christmas.
WOMAN: I would have expected a
better... OFFICER: Hey, I told you to stop.
MAN: No, it was the
wizards of early welsh sagas...
that promoted the
powers of mistletoe.
And of course these, uh, druids expected
something far different than the...
There's Amanda.
Excuse me. I have to go.
Merry Christmas.
- Is he still following
me? AMANDA: Who?
FRANCINE: Beaman.
One o'clock and closing fast.
One eggnog a year and his
libido kicks into overdrive, mm.
You gotta give me the
recipe for these cookies.
- Hmm.
- We can hide by the punch bowl.
Okay.
- Oh, hi, Mrs. King. How are
you? AMANDA: Hi, Leatherneck.
- Hi, Francine. FRANCINE: Hmm.
- Look, I'm sorry about the decorations.
- Oh, the decorations look wonderful.
Yeah, yeah, but they cut
my budget by half this season.
I had to scratch for everything.
But it is amazing what you can do...
with all those red and green things
you find in a munitions locker, right?
Aren't we the luckiest
people in the world?
Oh, yes, Efraim, this is the
season to count our blessings.
- I meant Francine and me.
- Ah.
Can't you just feel the magic?
That magic's gonna hurt in the
morning, buddy. Great cookies, Mrs. King.
- Excuse me. Oh,
hi. FRANCINE: Uh...
We were just on our
way to the punch bowl.
See you later, Efraim.
EFRAIM: I know right where it
is. Follow me. Coming through.
AMANDA: Good Efraim, heh.
Uh-huh, Francine, Amanda, help
yourself to Mrs. Melrose's cakes.
- Oh, thank you, sir. Merry Christmas.
- Thank you.
Uh, this is... Here you
are. This is something else.
Read the inscription.
- "To one of the good guys."
All right. AMANDA: Heh.
[ALL CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]
I'm gonna wear this
with pride. Thank you, all.
Efraim, is this yours?
Let's talk.
My wife soaked these in
something new this year.
Oh, well, we enjoyed
ours last year, sir.
Uh, do you think I can have one
of those before they all disappear?
Oh, sure, go ahead. Here take
a whole... There you go, heh.
Oh, you sure know how to
put together a Christmas cookie.
Well, thank you, sir.
- Efraim, ugh, why do you do this?
- What?
Last year you had one
glass of punch and then
you gave me the pink
slip to your Buick...
and begged me to run off to
Greece with you to raise goats.
- So?
- Has anybody seen Lee?
Uh, yes, sir. He's up in the Q-Bureau
working on the Brandenburg file.
- No, he's not. I closed that last night.
- Well, he's up there working on something.
Look who put himself
on the duty roster.
- How did he do that?
- Beats me.
We all work too hard not to take some
time off at Christmas, including Lee.
Get up to the Q-Bureau
and get some spirit in the guy.
- That's a Christmas order.
- Yes, sir.
- Did I give you one of these already?
- Yes.
- Hello, sir, Merry Christmas.
- Ditto, King.
- Are you looking for the party?
- I'm packing some GC's for the gang.
Gift certificates, King.
- Point me in the right direction.
- Right there in the bullpen.
Oh, here.
- Pick up a bauble, on me.
- Thank you, sir. Merry Christmas.
- Don't ever do that again.
- I won't, sir.
- Thanks. Peace on Earth, okay?
- Yes, sir.
AMANDA: Hi. LEE: Hi.
- We're all waiting for you downstairs.
- Oh, the party started already, huh?
Yeah.
I got all wrapped up
in this report and forgot.
Well, would you look at that? I
think Santa Claus has been here.
Oh, no, ugh.
Is Billy handing out
those cakes again?
Come on. Jeanie makes
these cakes every year
just to spread a
little Christmas cheer.
I don't know why you're
so hard to get in the mood.
- I am not hard to get in the mood.
- You are impossible to get in the mood.
- Amanda...
- We ought to grab an eggnog downstairs...
then I can take you to the nearest
mall and I'll help you do your shopping.
[PHONE RINGING] Oh.
[SIGHS]
- Yeah, Stetson.
- Lee, it's Bernie. Bernie Jakes.
Bernie, how are you?
I think that I'm
being taken for a ride.
- I don't like that, Bernie.
- Well, listen, don't you want the details?
- I can be there in 10 minutes.
- Ugh.
Are you all right?
Bernie, you're an old
friend. I'd be glad to help you.
You sit there and I will be
there in 10 minutes. Bye.
Well?
If he wasn't such an old friend,
ugh, I wouldn't run off like this.
- Whoa, whoa.
- It's probably nothing.
But look, I'll be back in an hour
and then we'll go do that shopping.
- I can go with you. We can go shopping...
- One hour.
It's gonna be another
scarf this year.
MAN: He used the
party as a cover to get in.
Jakes. You should have let
me kill him six months ago.
Always the wrecking ball with
you, Ingle. Never the fine strokes.
So he got a look at the tank, he
doesn't know what we're doing.
He's a problem we don't
need two days before delivery.
A delay won't go well back in East
Berlin. Germans admire punctuality.
So who's gonna believe
this disgruntled ex-employee?
- Why take the risk?
- I don't want you to kill him, Ingle.
Once we start killing people, we're
into a whole other level of concern.
Perhaps I'll just
slow him down a little.
BERNIE: They've been noodling with
my original tank design for over a year.
- I thought Titan laid you off months ago.
- They did.
But that didn't make
any difference to their
hotshot MIT Research
and Development team.
- They kept working on
it. LEE: How do you know?
Uh, a lot of the Engineers, they
hang out at a bar over near the plant.
- I hear things.
- Hmm.
I built the original prototype
to that tank 10 years ago.
Mr. Lomax, he
loved it at the time...
but he didn't think that it would go good
in his toy line. He didn't like war toys.
So he put it on
the shelf for this.
- Heh.
- Never seen Harry Bing the Strange Thing?
Bernie, I wasn't
much for toys as a kid.
[CHUCKLES]
Sticks to anything.
Brings in a million
a year for Titan, heh.
A million a year?
I don't know. We were
one big happy family...
until this guy Falcon
comes along...
buys the place and
changes the whole ball game.
- Where'd he come from?
- Who knows?
Don't play with that.
He came in here, hired a bunch
of PhDs right out of college...
compartmentalized all the
workstations and went high-tech.
Lee, every door is locked,
everything is a big secret.
Well, we live in an
age of secrets, Bernie.
Yeah, but this guy,
he's nuts about it.
Want some cider?
Yeah. Sure, heh.
[ROBOT APPROACHING]
- Here you go.
- Heh, thanks.
So he goes high-tech,
all the old-time
engineers get their
walking papers, then what?
Uh, I thought that I would be around
for a while after he revived my tank.
I mean, the whole place
was buzzing over the R&D...
that was supposed to
go into my original design.
We were supposed to be
in the stores by Christmas...
but, uh, this is it
from Titan this year.
Walter, the singing frog.
Go ahead, push his beanie.
- What, heh?
- Go, push the beanie.
All right.
[TOY SINGING]
[TOY STOPS]
[SIGHS]
LEE: So, what happened to your tank?
- Oh.
Well, the day before we were
supposed to hit the assembly line...
Falcon decides that it wouldn't turn a
profit and he locked up the prototype.
And then, at the last minute,
he takes Walter here...
and slaps him right
onto the market.
I saw the tank, Lee, it's no different
from the one that I made 10 years ago.
Balsa wood, plastic
bullets, sparks. That's it.
So where'd all the R&D
go? Up the chimney?
Heh, Whacky Kat.
Supposedly the next
hot item from Titan.
A squirt gun has got
more high-tech inside of it.
Look, Falcon didn't hire a lot of MIT
engineers just to sit on their hands.
Now, what is going on, Bernie?
- I've seen it happen before.
- What?
A big company, they promise
a designer a toy, develop it...
and then they put it on the shelf claiming
that it's too expensive to mass produce.
Then they turn around and then
they sell the guts to another company.
And the designer's left holding the
bag, no bonuses, no royalties, no credit.
Lee, please, can you help me?
Toys are hardly my expertise.
Huh, and I suppose that putting little
cameras in wristwatches were mine...
- when you were in trouble?
- All right.
But I can't promise
you anything.
Anything would be better
than me sitting here wondering...
if I'm on the bad end
of a million-dollar rip-off.
[MAN PLAYING KEYBOARD]
- Oh, that's fantastic.
- Heh, one finger.
It's incredible, isn't
it? Hope you like it.
- Thank you, sweetheart.
- I set it up early for the boys.
Philip's already mastered
the Marine Corps Hymn.
It's great to have you
here for Christmas.
Good to be here.
[DOTTY GROANS]
What's the matter?
Will someone go upstairs and tell my sister
that you do not cook a goose in tinfoil?
Mother, are you already
at each other's throats?
She hasn't even
been here a whole day.
Why don't we just relax,
play some Christmas carols...
and work on that
nog in the refrigerator?
Lillian wanted to get
into that before lunch.
[CHUCKLES]
It's beginning to sound
a lot like Christmas.
Why does she come here
and think that she can...
[SHOUTING] take over my kitchen?
Mother. I'll talk to her. Okay?
I hope so.
AMANDA: Hey, hey,
hey, what's going on here?
Fellas, no running in
the house. Fellas, stop.
Now, what's going on?
Oh, Philip was trying to
put that white stuff in my hair.
Why in the world would he
wanna put white stuff in your hair...
when you've already got
that silver stuff in your hair?
Oh, and Aunt Lily's
up on our room crying.
Mother.
What did you say
to Aunt Lillian?
Nothing. Nothing.
We were just discussing
the menu for tomorrow night.
Well, there might have been a
certain amount of bodily contact.
Boys, come on over here.
MAN: Okay. Here's Walt's guts.
The hottest chip in this
frog is the N.A.C. 735.
It's your basic 10-year-old
op-amp oscillator.
What else you got?
- Very low tech. LEE: Yeah.
What I got is, uh, the last
of the Titan Christmas line.
Here's a Tombstone fanner.
And, uh, spud .45, I
don't know, the most
sophisticated thing in
either one is a spring.
I had this exact same
pistol when I was a kid.
[CHUCKLES]
Nothing like the smell
of caps in the morning.
Yeah, right.
Look, they're probably taking
down the banquet tables right now.
- I gotta get down there and help.
- Thanks a lot, Leatherneck.
You know, the IRS audited
Titan Toys a couple of months ago.
Now, according to
Falcon's budget...
he uses most of his money
for research and development.
Very high-tech research and
development. But where is it going?
Beats me.
- I'll see you.
- I'll take the toys back to Bernie.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[CHUCKLES]
Is anybody there?
[DEVICE WAILS]
WOMAN [OVER PHONE]:
911, what's your emergency?
[RASPING] Help.
WOMAN [OVER
PHONE]: Hello? Hello?
Thirteen-sixty-one,
what is your emergency?
We have your address, tell
us the type of emergency.
Hello?
Can you hear me?
Thirteen-sixty-one,
what is your emergency?
LEE: Bernie.
Bernie, are you all
right? Open the door.
Bernie.
Bernie?
Bernie.
[BERNIE COUGHS]
[SIREN WAILS]
It obviously began in the
Christmas tree. It happens every year.
Bernie almost bought
it with smoke inhalation.
Now, he's not laid up in a
hospital because he was careless.
Look, Lee, Christmas
lights are fragile at best.
Yes.
The insulation
breaks down easily.
One of the lights goes off,
the fumes overcome Bernie...
he falls off the ladder
and he bangs his head.
What about the flash, huh?
He said he saw a bright flash
just before he hit his head.
One of the bulbs went off.
Look, I know Jakes is your friend. But
whatever it is, the police can handle it.
I see what's going on here.
You think I'm trying to invent work so
that I'll duck out on the holidays, right?
- You do it every year.
- What do you want me to do, huh?
You want me to, uh,
write a letter to Santa
Claus? Paint little
reindeer on my windows?
I have a friend
who's in trouble.
And if you're not gonna back me up
through this agency, I'll handle it myself.
I know you will.
- But all work and no play...
- Makes Lee a dull boy.
You suggesting I don't
know how to enjoy myself?
Only at this time of the year.
Bah, humbug!
LEE: What's wrong with
this store? AMANDA: Nothing.
You didn't buy
anything. I'm done.
I know. That's because I wanna get
something special for special people.
I know, I found it.
Scarves for everyone.
Everybody likes a scarf. Everyone
needs one. One size fits all.
- And they're already wrapped.
- Hmm, you can't beat it, can you?
- Uh-huh.
- You know, the agency is easy.
But to tell the truth, I don't
know what to get Phillip or Jamie.
- They're not expecting anything.
- Well, that's not the point.
I don't wanna go there
empty-handed. I've got an obligation.
You shouldn't think
of it as an obligation.
Responsibility, duty, whatever.
My uncle use to take me to the department
stores, he'd give me an option...
I'd pick out what I wanted
and he'd buy it for me.
- Joe's gonna be there, right?
- Right.
- He's gonna bring them stuff, right?
- Yeah.
- I don't wanna look bad.
- You're not gonna look bad.
- How about that?
- Sure, the boys could use a new football.
No, not the
football, the trains.
- Sweetheart.
- What?
That train must cost 2 or $300. We
don't buy the boys gifts that expensive.
All right, it was just an idea.
I mean, both your boys are getting
too old for this kind of stupid junk.
What do you mean,
like Mr. Melodious Frog?
They had one of these years ago.
Joe brought it home from Japan.
- Years ago.
- Mm-hmm.
That's Walter the Singing
Frog, heh, Amanda.
No, this is Mr. Melodious Frog.
I guess it's just an updated
version or something.
You push his beanie and he plays
everything from Beethoven to the Beatles.
Batteries not included.
Why would Titan Toys have
a lab full of MIT graduates...
if they're just importing
toys from Japan?
- Amanda, wait a second. Wait a second.
- I don't know.
- Here.
- No.
I gotta make a call. Take these
back to the agency, please?
- Oh, please, no.
- Please. One more hour.
One more hour and then we'll pick
up shopping where we left off. Please.
- I love you.
- Oh.
[SIGHS]
MAN: Merry Christmas.
SANTA CLAUS: Merry
Christmas to you, and thank you.
Hello.
MAN: Merry Christmas. WOMAN:
I'll bring my daughter back.
Thank you, merry Christmas.
- Sounds good, T.P.
- Thank you, Lee.
- When's intermission?
- Right now.
Let's take five and then
we'll swing at the bar.
- Hey, ho-ho-ho.
- Huh?
- Let me help you with that.
- Oh, I don't mind if you do.
- All right.
- Thank you.
- There we go.
- Fine.
Hmm.
So...
Pick you dig up anything
about Titan Toys?
Short notice but, uh, I collected
a little I.O.U. at the S.E.C.
A lot of highly kinetic
wheeling and dealing going on.
It's a big business.
Eleven-million bucks plus in '85.
A moderately successful
old-line toy manufacturer.
But about a year ago, a fellow named
Maxwell Falcon began to buy it up.
Since then, he's been
selling off its assets.
He's still making toys.
That strange thing that
sticks to the ceiling, toy guns.
Yeah, but under license
arrangement. Barely making a profit.
He doesn't own
those things anymore.
He lured about 20 new PhDs from
some very lucrative defense jobs.
- Top-drawer prospects too.
- Hmm.
- That took some quick capital.
- Uh, indeed.
And if he doesn't get a payoff for all
those R&D bucks pretty soon, it's tap city.
- Oh, thank you,
sir. MAN: Surely.
Thank you, T.P.
- Oh, Scarecrow?
- Yeah.
Haven't you forgotten something?
What? Oh, yeah.
Argh.
Before we begin our tour...
I'd like to remind you of tomorrow
night's children's Christmas pageant.
This year, as every year, we're donating
thousands of toys to needy children.
It's Titan's way of wishing
everyone a happy holiday.
There'll be music
and a special show.
Any tax-deductible
donations will be appreciated.
Now we'll show you how Titan
Toys is earning a reputation...
for having
tomorrow's toys today.
I hope this doesn't take long. A
tour was the only easy way to get in.
We're not gonna find out
much following that tour guide.
Well, I can't do very
much without a diversion.
Come on.
Our first stop will be our
state-of-the-art model-making facility.
- Oh, my goodness.
- What?
I've lost my contact lens. I should've
waited till I got to the ladies' room.
- It felt like a big rock in my eye.
- Don't touch... Don't touch it.
The only way we're gonna
find it is with a damp cloth.
- Excuse me.
- Sir.
- Could you get us a damp cloth, please?
- Yes.
Oh, sure.
- Watch it.
- Please, please. Tip-toe, very carefully.
Thank you very much.
Thank you so much.
Really do appreciate that.
[AMANDA WHISPERING] Let's go.
Let's go.
Come on.
Yeah.
Let's go in here.
- What's that stuff?
- I don't know.
- All this for toys.
- Yeah.
He showed up just as I set the
fire. He pulled the old man out.
Seems as though Bernie got
himself a detective or something.
We can't come so
close and fail now.
Nobody's failing.
Tell your government to
expect delivery as promised.
And on time.
- Not if this detective knows...
- Knows what?
I got a factory full of engineers
doing weapons-grade research...
and they all think they're
making just sophisticated toys.
Perhaps not Bernard Jakes.
I could've picked anything...
but I had to take his ridiculous toy tank
off the shelf to front for real tank R&D.
I suggested we kill him when
he first became a problem.
Then it didn't seem
necessary. Now it does.
Bernie?
Oh, hi, Lee.
Thanks for coming.
- This is for you.
- Oh, thanks a lot.
Oh, boy.
Yeah, you know, I figure
everyone can use a scarf, right?
Yeah. I sure got a lot of use out of
the one that you gave me last year...
and the year
before that one too.
Do you remember much
of what happened, Bernie?
Well, let's see, uh.
All I remember is this that this big flash
of light hits me square in the eyes...
I tumbled off the ladder,
and then it was lights out.
Take a look at these.
Familiar?
Oh, yeah, well, I never had
my hands on one of these.
But it looks like a Norton
and McCormick bench tester.
They use this mainly
for laser optics. Why?
I took those shots at the
Titan Toys security area.
What are they doing
with one of those?
That's my question exactly. It's
strictly used for defense application.
Yeah.
- Nurse. Mr. Jakes.
LEE: Look at this.
[CHUCKLES]
- Merry Christmas, Mr. Jakes.
- Oh, terrific. Oh, thanks.
Well, thanks a lot,
everybody, heh.
Uh, Bernie, don't you
wanna wait till Christmas?
Oh, Lee, you know I can't
wait to open up a present.
Anyway, there might be something
to eat in here. The food here is terrible.
Oh.
Get down!
All right, they survived the blast.
Any information on the man with Jakes?
I can't find out who he is.
But I won't need another shot
at him till we make the delivery.
The engineers
will work all night.
- It's Christmas Eve.
- So what if it's Christmas Eve?
You're paying me 20 million
for R&D on a main battle tank.
You think I'm gonna blow all that
business because it's Christmas Eve?
You're lucky you're not
sharing Bernie's hospital room.
I don't think either of us would've
liked that. I put a 24-hour guard on him.
Well, at least it shows that he wasn't
playing the disgruntled-employee game.
Obviously he's got
somebody worried.
This year, for a change, I thought
I'd keep you out of the field...
but you've got my okay
to black bag the factory.
- Good.
- What's with the pictures?
Well, they confirm what we saw.
Their R&D labs are definitely
stocked with high-tech equipment.
Wind tunnels and
laser trajectories?
What could these things have to
do with rubber dolls and trucks?
I don't know. It's hard to say.
If they're gearing up
for a line of toy weapons,
they'd have put R&D
into Bernie's tank model.
But you know what he found?
It's still made of balsa wood.
Get going on it. Amanda
will give you a hand.
Right.
- Christmas Eve.
- What?
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, yeah.
We'll start with the little
watering hole near Falcon's plant.
If his engineers have
had some holiday cheer...
they might be a little
loose-lipped about security.
[BOTH LAUGH]
I got this one.
Wait a minute. I thought that you guys said
that you had to be back to work tonight.
[BOTH LAUGH]
[CHUCKLES]
Just give her an
empty bar stool...
and she can bag a Bulgarian
double agent in about 35 minutes.
Three wise men here don't
know what's about to hit them.
WOMAN: A little time to tell you
about our profit participation program.
You know what? This is turning out
to be a great Christmas Eve, hmm?
We are working. We are
sitting in a bar, working.
We're not singing Christmas
carols, we're not opening presents...
we're not going to Church.
We are sitting in a bar,
working on Christmas Eve.
And I know that. I know that.
If I had a family, I think I might
like to do those things, but...
Well, all the folks at our shop are home
counting their Christmas bonuses, heh.
I'm sure you could
tell us a hundred
reasons why we should
work for your company.
But there is no way you can
beat the money that Titan pays.
Okay, maybe we
can't beat the money...
but in terms of creative
freedom, we are hard to beat.
We have a research
budget that's wide open.
And next year, we're
getting into lasers.
Heh, lady, we're
already into lasers.
The damn thing makes Stanford
research look like a flashlight.
Oh, you're into lasers, huh?
What about, uh, fiber optics?
We've got everything
but a launching pad.
Well, Francine isn't going to get
anymore prime into the pump, ah.
I'm sure we could always
use someone like you.
Just keep talking, smart guy. You're
into about 10 grand in fines already.
Amanda Kane, Lee Steadman, Titan Security.
Can we see some identification, please?
Happy holidays, boys.
Where were you when we had
our industrial espionage talks?
Calm down. We were just
having a little Christmas cheer.
Maybe at MIT or Stanford or
wherever you college boys are from...
they don't teach loyalty
and esprit de corps.
I'll just bet you understand
a nice stiff fine though.
What'd we say that was so
terrible? I didn't go into specifics.
Well, you'll have to go into
quite a few specifics with us.
Mm-hmm, shall we start with
clearance areas, gentlemen?
They sure were pushing hard
on a project that's been shelved.
Yeah. On Christmas Eve to boot.
Why the emergency, huh?
I'd sure love to
crack this for Bernie.
Let's get to the plant
and find out what we can...
and maybe we'll still have
time for a Christmas Eve dinner.
- Yeah. Let's go.
- Yeah.
This is from Aunt Lillian.
What do you think?
Red sweater,
just like last year.
She left the price tag on it
again, maybe we can exchange it.
- Sounds good to me.
- I heard that.
Now, leave those alone. We're
gonna open presents right after Church.
Those shoes could use polish.
Uh, it's up in our room and
Aunt Lillian's got the door locked.
- Her headache's back.
- I think we ought to leave her here.
I don't need her snoring
next to me in the pew.
I'll see if she wants to go.
Better hurry up and get ready.
- Let's go. Come on.
- Come on.
[PHONE RINGING]
Goose is in the oven, it'll be ready
when we get back from Church.
Which, by the way,
will be in 45 minutes.
Of course, sweetheart. Well,
the boys will be disappointed.
Any chance you could catch
up with us at the church?
Oh, don't tell me. She's
going to be late again?
Now, don't worry. I understand.
We'll see you back
here for presents.
Okay, bye-bye.
[SIGHS]
Just once, I would like to have my
daughter home on time for Christmas Eve...
- and my sister's hands off the goose.
- Heh.
I suggest we step up the pace, gentlemen.
We don't wanna be here all night.
We could do this on Monday.
MAN: We have an investor
who wants the latest.
So just get the data on
tape and we can all go home.
We've got an hour to
dump all the databases...
receive imagery, laser tracking,
fiber optics, control monitoring.
- There's a lot of systems in that toy.
- Yeah, just do it.
Let's see if there's
another way in.
Most people use the front.
WOMAN: Let's get a move on, kids,
we still have to get everyone in costume.
Kris Kringle and his reindeer
are back that way, honey.
Don't miss them.
Come on, guys. You
got a couple hundred kids
out there going
bonkers. Let's roll, huh?
We're federal agents. Why don't you give
this up before you dig yourself deeper?
Our dispatcher knows we're
here. We already filed a preliminary.
I don't think so.
You would've shut me down
long before I got close to delivery.
Inside please.
American agents inside your operation and
we haven't even received the pilot project.
Which is why I insisted on
an escrow account, Ingle.
The data dump's gonna
be completed by 9.
If for any reason
we fail to deliver...
True. It's your problem.
I've got the midnight flight
with or without the designs.
It'll be Christmas in
Dresden in an hour.
They ring the bells...
play the Christmas
pageant in the church.
Oddly enough, they still
celebrate Christmas in the GDR.
Wait for me in the
computer room.
- I'll kill them now.
- Absolutely not.
If there's a chance that these two have
backup, we can't leave the bodies here.
There's a couple of hundred
children crawling these halls.
You wanna carry them past
the kids like a couple of yule logs?
I'll take care of this.
First, I've got about
20 rent-a-cops I gotta
move away from
the back of the plant...
before I can get
them out that way. Go.
[SIGHS]
Just another Christmas Eve
trapped in a nest of killers.
This is getting to be our
own little holiday tradition.
Look, we're in a jam but we can't
stew about it. We gotta figure a way out.
We'd need a satchel
charge to blow these hinges.
I suppose you're gonna say
we can count on a miracle or two.
- Well, it's the season for them.
- Yeah.
Three years ago, we were surrounded
by a bunch of Russians. We got out of that.
There's gotta be a way
we can get out of this.
Well, we'll never get out through the
ceiling. There's six inches of overhead.
Okay, well, come down.
We don't have a heck
of a lot to work with.
Mm-mm.
Heh.
Walter, the Singing Frog.
Baby Teardrops.
Oh.
And the good old trusty
tombstone fanner, heh.
It's all I needed when I was 8.
[SIGHS]
- Amanda.
- Yeah?
Check the shelves, see if you can
find some more caps and batteries.
These things must
come with batteries.
Okay, I got some batteries. They're
double A's, only a volt and a half.
That's fine. We'll wire
them together in series.
Yeah.
Here's a whole bunch of caps,
and a whole bunch of batteries.
- How do you make her cry?
- Oh, well, you just...
- Rock the baby. Rock the baby.
- Amanda?
- Amanda?
- You squeeze her stomach.
- Squeeze her stomach just like this.
- Yeah.
- Look, tears. See? Squeeze.
- Okay.
Let's find something
to contain the water.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, and give me your dress.
WOMAN: Children, please. I want
everyone in the procession on stage.
Hands, please.
Well, I guess things
are going your way.
You deserve a round
of applause, huh?
[EXPLODES]
[GUN SHOT]
[GROANS]
They're loading all the data...
They're loading all the data on a
mainframe onto mag cores for the trip East.
- No prototon?
- Prototype.
- I knew that.
- It's all electronic.
You ready?
[CLEARS THROAT]
Merry Christmas.
Stay in your seats. Federal agents.
We're here to confiscate this material.
You two get around.
- I'm gonna go get him. Call
Billy for backup. AMANDA: Yeah.
And on this, the very first Christmas,
the three wise men entered the stable.
CHILDREN: Santa!
All right, kids. Listen, kids, get down.
Get out of the way. Get down. Please.
Let me go. Please, get
down. Go away. Get on, go.
Come on, Santa!
Children, please.
Make it a clean shot. Please,
don't fire into these kids, huh?
Drop it, Ingle.
Drop it.
WOMAN: Children, please.
Please take your
seat and be quiet.
Let's go.
Ho-ho-ho-ho.
Merry Christmas,
children, ha-ha.
- Do you still believe in
Santa Claus? ALL: Yes!
Tonight, so do I.
Let's go.
Amanda, I really ought to
go see Bernie at the hospital.
Are you kidding? It's freezing
out here. Get in the house.
- I can't.
- What do you mean, you can't?
Yes, you can.
They're all gonna be
wondering what I'm doing here.
They're not gonna be
wondering what you're doing here.
- Well, it's about time.
- Mother, I'm sorry we're late.
- Oh, come on. Come
on in. LEE: Hi, Mrs. West.
- Amanda, I have to...
- Can you believe this snowstorm?
[LEE SHIVERS]
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
Thank you, Mother.
That's a pretty apron.
Aunt Lillian made it, all
hand-embroidered. Can you imagine?
- That's why she didn't come down.
- Really?
She was afraid she wouldn't get it
ready for Christmas. Lillian, they're here.
Amanda's boyfriend is here.
- I'm sorry about that.
- Yeah.
- Hi, everybody. Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
Hi, Mr. Stetson. Glad
you could be here.
You should see the gnarly
skateboard my grandma got me.
Hey, Mom. Mom,
I made this for you.
Well, sweetheart, it's so big.
Well, I built the whole
thing by myself. Well, almost.
Dad helped me fix the
legs, it kept falling over.
- Hi, sweetheart.
- Hi.
- Merry Christmas.
- It's a spice rack.
- Merry Christmas, Lee.
- Thanks, Joe. You too.
- Thank you.
- Oh, Mom, it can hold 213 spices.
Well, then we'll never
run out of room for spices.
Here you go,
Mr. Stetson. It's a scarf.
No, no, no, sweetheart, we're
not gonna open presents yet.
- I kept it warm, I make no promises.
- Thank you.
- Oh, looks delicious.
- Jamie.
- Here, Lee.
- Let's get some wood for the fire.
Now, you just sit here and eat.
- I'm gonna go get Lillian.
- All right, heh.
- Oh, well, look at this.
- Ah.
I see what you mean.
Christmases here in the
King house are pretty special.
Your present's at the Q-Bureau.
Oh, well, mine for you is,
uh... Well, it's at the apartment.
- But guess what.
- What?
I got my present already.
- Merry Christmas.
- Yeah.
[English - US -SDH]