Saved by the Bell: The College Years (1993–1994): Season 1, Episode 3 - Rush Week - full transcript
Zach and Slater worry that Screech might ruin their efforts to join a fraternity.
♪♪
Do they really expect us to take
an anthropology class at 8 AM?
Huh, tell me about it, man. I
don't even wake up before noon.
Pfft!
Tell you, the only reason I'm
here is because of her.
But, her, too.
Yo!
You missed the redhead over
in the third row.
Ahhhh.
Uh, bet you this professor
guy is a real loser.
Oh, yeah.
He's probably spent half
his life chasing pygmies
and those women who wear
hula hoops through their noses.
You can do that in L.A.
Hey listen, I got a copy
of his midterm.
- You want it?
- Are you kidding?
Nah, I normally charge like,
$50 for that sort of thing,
but for you, uh, how about $20?
Sure!
- Thanks.
- Hey.
Hello, and welcome to Cultural
Anthropology.
I'm your host, Professor
Jeremiah Lasky.
Now before we begin,
a word of caution.
There may be some
unscrupulous people around here
that are actually trying
to sell my midterm.
Don't bother.
Its bogus.
But of course, you're all too
smart for that, aren't you?
Does anyone want to
buy a midterm?
♪ I'm standing
at the edge of tomorrow, ♪
♪ and it's all up to
me how far I go ♪
♪ I'm standing at the
edge of tomorrow ♪
♪ I've never seen
such a view before, ♪
♪ a new world before my eyes ♪
♪ So much for me to explore ♪
♪ It's where my future lies ♪
♪ Today, I'm standing at
the edge of tomorrow ♪
♪ From here, the future
looks bright for me ♪
♪ And it's all up to
me how far I go ♪
♪ It's my time to break away ♪
♪ I'm standing at the edge
of tomorrow today ♪
Fasten your seat belts, because
we are going on an adventure.
I'm going to take
you to New Guinea
where we'll study the marriage
rituals of the Tehanbuli tribe,
who often take up to
as many as 16 wives.
Will you, you, and you marry me?
- Yes.
- Yes.
Oh, yeah.
Don't let it go to your head.
Some people will do
anything for a grade.
Shh!
Excuse me?
How do you spell Tehanbuli?
- It's not important.
- Well, will it be on the final?
No.
Will there be a pop quiz on it?
T-E-H-A-N-B-U-L-I.
Thank you!
He's so cute!
I wonder what his sign is?
Virgo.
But enough about me.
Let's find out what you know.
Ah, you from the
Calvin Klein ads,
what is anthropology?
Well,
anthropology is the--
Screech, Screech, he
was talking to me.
Um, [whispering]
what's anthropology?
It's the study of humankind.
Right!
Ah, you, Mr. $20 lighter,
for a chance to win a
copy of the real midterm,
who was Margaret Mead?
Isn't she the cafeteria
lady with the hairnet?
No, sorry, that's Clara Mead.
- Ah.
- Hey!
Ah, let's give somebody else
a chance, shall we?
All right, take it.
Ah!
Margaret Mead was a
pioneer in anthropology
who wrote the
"Coming of Age in Samoa."
Clara Mead discovered
tuna pudding.
- Great, what's your name, kid?
- Samuel Powers.
Oh sure, by the way,
I loved your book,
"I'm OK, You're an Aborigine."
You read my book?
Oh, no, no, don't
get so excited.
He also read, "Garfield Goes
to the White House."
Ha, me, too.
All right, first assignment,
buy my book.
I need the money.
Listen, if I got to buy your book,
can I at least have my $20 back?
Mm, tell you what--
here's five.
Buy it used.
Lasky's incredible.
He's the most dynamic teacher
I have ever seen.
And of course, he's a Virgo.
Uh-huh.
With a wacko rising.
Well, I know about you guys,
but I was totally confused.
Oh, no, no, no, no--
with good reason.
This guy has taken one to many
blow darts to the head.
Could someone pass
the rolls, please?
Thank you.
Professor Lasky is amazing.
He's so charismatic and so sexy.
Lasky?
Sexy?
He's a professor.
Exactly!
Brilliance is sexy.
- Aw.
- Funny is sexy.
Confusing is sexy.
Hey! Even I want to
take the guy home!
Oh!
Kelly, were you going to
finish this danish?
Not now!
What's with the pig out?
Well, I've got to gain
six pounds by Friday.
Coach said if I can get myself
into the next weight class,
I can wrestle against USC.
- You get to gain weight?
- Uh-huh.
Life is so unfair.
I have to lose two pounds
immediately.
You see, for an actress, it's that
Tori Spelling look that's in right now.
None of that...
Come on, two pounds is hardly
going to hurt you.
Yeah, that's what Delta Burke said
before she inhaler first cheesecake!
Hey, Screech.
Mike Rogers is looking for you,
and he is really ticked.
Oh, no.
Slater, I'm a dead man!
He must have found out I shrunk
his best silk shirt in the dryer!
- [knocking]
- Screech! You in there?
Ooh!
I haven't seen him anywhere.
Is he gone?
Yeah.
Aw, thanks, Slater.
Ahh!
Powers!
I've got a computer problem.
A computer problem?
Oh, that's great.
Hey, I've got a shirt
just like this.
Anyway, I finally break
down and buy a computer,
then I
realize it's not compatible.
With what?
With me.
Look at these hands.
What do they suggest to you?
Death by strangulation?
Sure, they were great
for crushing Joe Montana,
but just try typing
with these fingers.
Let me see your hands.
Oh, beautiful.
Now those are the fingers
of a sickly young girl.
Thanks!
Hey!
They're perfect for typing
my new book.
You're writing a book, sir?
Well, I've got a publisher
who's interested.
It's about my life in the NFL.
I'm calling it, "The Other
Side of the Jock."
Provocative!
I'd be happy to put it on my
computer for you, sir.
And perhaps you could
help me in return.
You know, I've never been fully
satisfied with my physique.
No kidding?
Tell you what --
you help me with me book,
I'll help you bulk up.
So you want to be like,
huge or super huge?
Actually, sir, I'd just like to
be able to lift the toilet seat
without getting a hernia.
Now remember, every culture
has some form of courting ritual.
The challenge of this demonstration
is to get Leslie, the female,
to go off with Zack,
the smart mouth.
But, like primitive man, you
cannot use language.
No words.
No problem.
Hmm, as, we see the male is
letting the female know of his interest.
He is saying, my cave or yours?
Any darn place works for me.
Ha-ha.
No words.
Ah, look at the female.
Mm, alas, she is not responding.
She is saying, hey
who needs him?
I date a guy in my tribe who's
got his own wheel.
This is stupid, all right?
It's a waste of time.
This whole class is
a waste of time.
Mr. Morris,
I'd like to see you in my
office today at 5 o'clock.
[knocking]
PROFESSOR LASKY (OFFSCREEN):
Uh-huh, come in.
So, do you live in your office?
Only during the week.
On the weekends I live in
my van at the beach.
Ha ha ha.
I like you, Zack.
You're pretty sharp.
But I get a sense that you
have no interest in anthropology.
Actually, sir, I have nothing
against anthropology,
it's just, I don't see what
it has to do with my life.
Ah, ah, but you
will, my lad. You will.
For instance, had you paid attention
to my lecture on courting rituals,
you'd learn a lot
more about women.
It seems to me you're
a little, uh,
clunky in that area.
Ha ha ha!
Me, clunky with women?
Oh, no, no, no.
You see Professor Lasky, if there's
anything I do know, it is women.
I've been scoping chicks since
I was in the third grade.
Scoping chicks?
I'm sure they'd be
delighted to hear that.
If I can make a
scientific observation,
when it comes to women,
you don't know Jack, Zack.
- You want to bet?
- Ah, you read my mind!
Now, I know you hate
getting up early for my class,
so how would you like to be
excused for the rest of the semester?
Huh!
Yeah, right.
What's the catch?
I want you to do a field
study on women.
And you can do it right
here at CalU.
I want you to answer
one question --
what do women want?
Ha ha ha.
What do women want?
- That's it?
- That's it, man.
You come up with a
scientific conclusion,
I'll give you a B and you can
sleep late the rest of the semester.
- Are you serious?
- Uh-huh.
All right.
You're on.
I want it by Friday.
What do women want?
Who does this clown think
he's dealing with?
All right, give me two
cheeseburgers, two fries,
two chocolate shakes
and two cherry pies.
Oh, do you want something?
Coke. Diet.
Small.
You know, I can't believe how
hard it is to gain weight, Alex.
I've been eating everything in
sight and I've only put on a pound.
I hate you!
Ooh, ooh!
Hi there!
I'm doing an anthropology
field study on what women want.
What women want, take 27.
Quiet, everybody!
I don't know quite what to say.
Oh, well for instance, uh, would
you want to go out with me?
Maybe.
Excellent.
Now, just for the record,
would you please state
your name and number?
I'm Tina.
My phone number is 555-2083.
Wow, this zoom's really
amazing, Zack.
She should really trim
her nose hairs.
Screech, please.
Just can it with the commentary.
You are unbelievable,
you know that?
Professor Lasky gives
you a great opportunity
and you use it to hit on women.
Excuse me, I'm doing
serious research here.
Zack, driving down
Sorority Row yelling,
"Send out your women!"
is not serious research.
Oh, yeah? Wait 'til you
see the Kappa Zeta footage.
They have very
interesting bathing rituals.
Ugh! Forget it, Zack.
Hey, come on, this is going to
be a groundbreaking study.
How many phone
numbers do we have?
Eighteen.
I love this project.
Sophomore year,
I had a cracked rib,
a separated shoulder,
and a ruptured spleen,
but I never missed a game.
Ow!
What's wrong?
Paper cut.
We got to stop for today.
Just tough it out, sir.
In publishing, you have
to learn to play hurt.
Right.
OK, on the field, I was a hero.
But off the field,
I still couldn't get up the
nerve to ask out Jenny Stillwell.
Ooh, really?
That's good stuff.
Go on.
I-- I can't.
It's just too personal.
Personal is what sells books.
Come on, Mike.
You can tell me anything.
All right.
There I was, 20 years old and
I still hadn't had my first date.
Ah ha ha!
And I thought I was a geek!
And I am!
Strike that part from the book,
and make sure it never
leaves this room.
Your secret is safe
with me, sir.
You know else is a babe?
That guy Kevin in History class.
Oh, he is cute, and
oh, what a body.
KELLY KAPOWSKI (OFFSCREEN):
Uh-huh.
Yeah, speaking of bodies,
what about Slater's?
Ha ha!
He is the best thing that ever
happened to a pair of jeans!
LESLIE BURKE (OFFSCREEN):
Mm, mm, mm!
So cute!
What?
I know I've been fighting it,
but I am madly
in love with Zack.
KELLY KAPOWSKI (OFFSCREEN):
Mm, I know what you mean.
I want him, too.
Bad.
You will have to fight
me for him!
Get in line!
Of course, his body isn't half
as good as Slater's.
FEMALE SPEAKERS (OFFSCREEN):
No way!
Ahh!
What are you doing?
Serves you right for spying!
I am not spying!
I am doing scientific research!
Yeah, sure.
Really, listen, I have to give
Lasky this report by Friday,
and I have nothing.
I don't know what it is, but
women don't take me seriously.
What?
So, in '87, I had 19 sacks,
recovered 10 fumbles,
and I
had three interceptions.
You got that, Screech?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
MVP, blah, blah, blah, Super
Bowl ring, big yawn.
What?
Well actually sir, I thought the
personal stuff was more interesting.
You know, the part about you not
dating 'til you were 20?
I hate that part.
Well sir, as your editor, I
suggest we put it in the book.
And have people laugh at me?
No way.
They won't laugh at you.
What they'll see is
a real person.
What they'll see is a real wimp.
Oh, they won't see a wimp --
they'll see a
guy just like me.
Oh, that makes me
feel much better.
Sir, let me explain.
You see, if a cool guy like
you had a little trouble with girls,
just think how much hope it
could give us regular guys!
You really think so?
All right, maybe I will.
Come on, let's hit the weights.
Oh, OK.
OK, remember what we
learned yesterday?
Arms straight, push from
the shoulders.
Come on, give me five reps.
You got it, sir.
That's it, concentrate.
Come on, breathe.
Breathe, come on, feel the burn!
[knocking]
Phone call for you,
Mr. Rogers.
She said she's Mikey's mommy.
Don't put this part in the book.
I feel the burn!
Oh!
Oh, oh!
- Hey, you!
- Hey, Kel.
Hey, Kelly?
We're close friends, right?
- Sure, Zack. Why?
- It's this Lasky project.
I mean, I'm in trouble.
I don't know what is, but women
won't open up to me.
Zack, no girl in her right
mind is going to open up
to a guy who's
been hitting on her.
And that's all you've
been doing.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
It's just that, hitting on girls
is like breathing to me.
By the way, nice shorts!
You see?
If you were really interested in
listening to what we have to say,
you'd get some real responses.
Well, I'm really
interested in you.
For starters, what do you want
to do with your life?
Oh, well, I'm not sure.
I want to make a difference
in people's lives somehow.
Maybe a teacher or work
in health care.
Health care really?
I didn't know you were
interested in that.
Yeah.
I am.
But, I also want to have fun
and meet some new friends.
And I wouldn't mind having
Leslie's wardrobe.
Is that so?
Yeah.
But, you know, it's really
hard coming to college
and competing with so
many girls that have money.
I mean, I have to work at
the Student Health Center
and really watch my pennies.
And sometimes I feel like I
just don't belong here.
Really?
What about you, Alex?
What do you want to do?
Does the camera bother you?
No,
the camera loves me,
particularly
from my left side.
With me, it's no big secret.
I want to be Meryl Streep.
I want an Oscar, an Emmy, a
Tony, and a Luke Perry.
Well, that's great, but uh,
what if you don't make it?
Don't make it?
Well, I never thought
about that.
Well shut the camera off!
No more pictures!
You!
Call my agent!
Wait a minute, I don't
have an agent.
What about you, Leslie?
What are your ambitions?
Well, in the Burke family,
you're born with ambition.
It's issued right along
with the trust fund.
My gosh, there's a library named
after my family on this campus.
My parents put so
much pressure on me,
I don't know
what I want.
They're never going to see
this tape, are they?
No.
You have my word.
Now, what is it you
guys want from us?
I mean, what do
women want from men?
Ha ha!
Where do we start?
Well, you guys always seem
to have a hidden agenda.
And men are always
sizing you up.
Yeah, it's like you're the
object of some kind of hunt.
I'd like to have a friendship with
a guy not based on the physical.
I'd like a man who's
really romantic.
Just once, I'd like to see
a guy cry at something
other than a football game.
I know it sounds simple,
but I want to be a
mother and raise a family.
What do I want?
Anything chocolate.
My perfect guy?
Uh, I guess it
really doesn't matter,
just as long as he
hasn't done time.
Intelligence.
Sincerity.
Kindness.
Men?
Men are pigs.
Who needs them?
Did I say Luke Perry?
I meant River Phoenix.
Very interesting, Zack.
Not bad, my boy, for your
first field study.
Conclusions?
Uh, well, to tell
you the truth sir,
I'm more
confused than ever.
I mean, I couldn't find the one
thing that all women want.
Guess they're just like guys.
They want a lot of different things.
Bingo.
Took me 32 years,
three dozen countries,
and an ex-wife to
learn that.
Good work.
Thanks.
Well, I'm a man of my word.
- You got your B.
- Ah.
You can sleep in the
rest of the semester.
All right, thank you, sir.
I'll never forget you for this.
Oh. by the way, if I give you
the girls' swim team footage,
can you make it an A?
Don't push your luck.
What are you doing?
Coach called me last night and said
our best guy came down with the flu.
I can wrestle in his place if I get
back down to my original weight class.
So now I have to lose three
pounds by 4:00.
And I am starving.
Ha! Now you know
what it's to be a woman.
I guess everybody's here
who's going to be here.
All right, let's get started.
One of the most fascinating
stories in anthropology
is Jane Goodall's 30-year study
of the chimpanzees of Gombe.
Now, the intelligence of these
guys is mind boggling.
Their reasoning and language
skills are incredible.
- They--
- Oh, yeah?
If they're so smart, how come
they don't have cable TV?
Well, well, Mr. Morris.
To what do we owe
this pleasure?
You already got your B.
I don't want a B.
I want an A.
Well, in that case,
son, sit down.
You're late.
Well, the only reason I was late, sir,
is because I stopped to buy your book.
Ah, very good.
You are going to find
it very useful.
Oh, ho, ho, I already have.
Stick around. It's going
to be an interesting year.
I feel the burn!
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh!
Oh!
[inaudible]
Do they really expect us to take
an anthropology class at 8 AM?
Huh, tell me about it, man. I
don't even wake up before noon.
Pfft!
Tell you, the only reason I'm
here is because of her.
But, her, too.
Yo!
You missed the redhead over
in the third row.
Ahhhh.
Uh, bet you this professor
guy is a real loser.
Oh, yeah.
He's probably spent half
his life chasing pygmies
and those women who wear
hula hoops through their noses.
You can do that in L.A.
Hey listen, I got a copy
of his midterm.
- You want it?
- Are you kidding?
Nah, I normally charge like,
$50 for that sort of thing,
but for you, uh, how about $20?
Sure!
- Thanks.
- Hey.
Hello, and welcome to Cultural
Anthropology.
I'm your host, Professor
Jeremiah Lasky.
Now before we begin,
a word of caution.
There may be some
unscrupulous people around here
that are actually trying
to sell my midterm.
Don't bother.
Its bogus.
But of course, you're all too
smart for that, aren't you?
Does anyone want to
buy a midterm?
♪ I'm standing
at the edge of tomorrow, ♪
♪ and it's all up to
me how far I go ♪
♪ I'm standing at the
edge of tomorrow ♪
♪ I've never seen
such a view before, ♪
♪ a new world before my eyes ♪
♪ So much for me to explore ♪
♪ It's where my future lies ♪
♪ Today, I'm standing at
the edge of tomorrow ♪
♪ From here, the future
looks bright for me ♪
♪ And it's all up to
me how far I go ♪
♪ It's my time to break away ♪
♪ I'm standing at the edge
of tomorrow today ♪
Fasten your seat belts, because
we are going on an adventure.
I'm going to take
you to New Guinea
where we'll study the marriage
rituals of the Tehanbuli tribe,
who often take up to
as many as 16 wives.
Will you, you, and you marry me?
- Yes.
- Yes.
Oh, yeah.
Don't let it go to your head.
Some people will do
anything for a grade.
Shh!
Excuse me?
How do you spell Tehanbuli?
- It's not important.
- Well, will it be on the final?
No.
Will there be a pop quiz on it?
T-E-H-A-N-B-U-L-I.
Thank you!
He's so cute!
I wonder what his sign is?
Virgo.
But enough about me.
Let's find out what you know.
Ah, you from the
Calvin Klein ads,
what is anthropology?
Well,
anthropology is the--
Screech, Screech, he
was talking to me.
Um, [whispering]
what's anthropology?
It's the study of humankind.
Right!
Ah, you, Mr. $20 lighter,
for a chance to win a
copy of the real midterm,
who was Margaret Mead?
Isn't she the cafeteria
lady with the hairnet?
No, sorry, that's Clara Mead.
- Ah.
- Hey!
Ah, let's give somebody else
a chance, shall we?
All right, take it.
Ah!
Margaret Mead was a
pioneer in anthropology
who wrote the
"Coming of Age in Samoa."
Clara Mead discovered
tuna pudding.
- Great, what's your name, kid?
- Samuel Powers.
Oh sure, by the way,
I loved your book,
"I'm OK, You're an Aborigine."
You read my book?
Oh, no, no, don't
get so excited.
He also read, "Garfield Goes
to the White House."
Ha, me, too.
All right, first assignment,
buy my book.
I need the money.
Listen, if I got to buy your book,
can I at least have my $20 back?
Mm, tell you what--
here's five.
Buy it used.
Lasky's incredible.
He's the most dynamic teacher
I have ever seen.
And of course, he's a Virgo.
Uh-huh.
With a wacko rising.
Well, I know about you guys,
but I was totally confused.
Oh, no, no, no, no--
with good reason.
This guy has taken one to many
blow darts to the head.
Could someone pass
the rolls, please?
Thank you.
Professor Lasky is amazing.
He's so charismatic and so sexy.
Lasky?
Sexy?
He's a professor.
Exactly!
Brilliance is sexy.
- Aw.
- Funny is sexy.
Confusing is sexy.
Hey! Even I want to
take the guy home!
Oh!
Kelly, were you going to
finish this danish?
Not now!
What's with the pig out?
Well, I've got to gain
six pounds by Friday.
Coach said if I can get myself
into the next weight class,
I can wrestle against USC.
- You get to gain weight?
- Uh-huh.
Life is so unfair.
I have to lose two pounds
immediately.
You see, for an actress, it's that
Tori Spelling look that's in right now.
None of that...
Come on, two pounds is hardly
going to hurt you.
Yeah, that's what Delta Burke said
before she inhaler first cheesecake!
Hey, Screech.
Mike Rogers is looking for you,
and he is really ticked.
Oh, no.
Slater, I'm a dead man!
He must have found out I shrunk
his best silk shirt in the dryer!
- [knocking]
- Screech! You in there?
Ooh!
I haven't seen him anywhere.
Is he gone?
Yeah.
Aw, thanks, Slater.
Ahh!
Powers!
I've got a computer problem.
A computer problem?
Oh, that's great.
Hey, I've got a shirt
just like this.
Anyway, I finally break
down and buy a computer,
then I
realize it's not compatible.
With what?
With me.
Look at these hands.
What do they suggest to you?
Death by strangulation?
Sure, they were great
for crushing Joe Montana,
but just try typing
with these fingers.
Let me see your hands.
Oh, beautiful.
Now those are the fingers
of a sickly young girl.
Thanks!
Hey!
They're perfect for typing
my new book.
You're writing a book, sir?
Well, I've got a publisher
who's interested.
It's about my life in the NFL.
I'm calling it, "The Other
Side of the Jock."
Provocative!
I'd be happy to put it on my
computer for you, sir.
And perhaps you could
help me in return.
You know, I've never been fully
satisfied with my physique.
No kidding?
Tell you what --
you help me with me book,
I'll help you bulk up.
So you want to be like,
huge or super huge?
Actually, sir, I'd just like to
be able to lift the toilet seat
without getting a hernia.
Now remember, every culture
has some form of courting ritual.
The challenge of this demonstration
is to get Leslie, the female,
to go off with Zack,
the smart mouth.
But, like primitive man, you
cannot use language.
No words.
No problem.
Hmm, as, we see the male is
letting the female know of his interest.
He is saying, my cave or yours?
Any darn place works for me.
Ha-ha.
No words.
Ah, look at the female.
Mm, alas, she is not responding.
She is saying, hey
who needs him?
I date a guy in my tribe who's
got his own wheel.
This is stupid, all right?
It's a waste of time.
This whole class is
a waste of time.
Mr. Morris,
I'd like to see you in my
office today at 5 o'clock.
[knocking]
PROFESSOR LASKY (OFFSCREEN):
Uh-huh, come in.
So, do you live in your office?
Only during the week.
On the weekends I live in
my van at the beach.
Ha ha ha.
I like you, Zack.
You're pretty sharp.
But I get a sense that you
have no interest in anthropology.
Actually, sir, I have nothing
against anthropology,
it's just, I don't see what
it has to do with my life.
Ah, ah, but you
will, my lad. You will.
For instance, had you paid attention
to my lecture on courting rituals,
you'd learn a lot
more about women.
It seems to me you're
a little, uh,
clunky in that area.
Ha ha ha!
Me, clunky with women?
Oh, no, no, no.
You see Professor Lasky, if there's
anything I do know, it is women.
I've been scoping chicks since
I was in the third grade.
Scoping chicks?
I'm sure they'd be
delighted to hear that.
If I can make a
scientific observation,
when it comes to women,
you don't know Jack, Zack.
- You want to bet?
- Ah, you read my mind!
Now, I know you hate
getting up early for my class,
so how would you like to be
excused for the rest of the semester?
Huh!
Yeah, right.
What's the catch?
I want you to do a field
study on women.
And you can do it right
here at CalU.
I want you to answer
one question --
what do women want?
Ha ha ha.
What do women want?
- That's it?
- That's it, man.
You come up with a
scientific conclusion,
I'll give you a B and you can
sleep late the rest of the semester.
- Are you serious?
- Uh-huh.
All right.
You're on.
I want it by Friday.
What do women want?
Who does this clown think
he's dealing with?
All right, give me two
cheeseburgers, two fries,
two chocolate shakes
and two cherry pies.
Oh, do you want something?
Coke. Diet.
Small.
You know, I can't believe how
hard it is to gain weight, Alex.
I've been eating everything in
sight and I've only put on a pound.
I hate you!
Ooh, ooh!
Hi there!
I'm doing an anthropology
field study on what women want.
What women want, take 27.
Quiet, everybody!
I don't know quite what to say.
Oh, well for instance, uh, would
you want to go out with me?
Maybe.
Excellent.
Now, just for the record,
would you please state
your name and number?
I'm Tina.
My phone number is 555-2083.
Wow, this zoom's really
amazing, Zack.
She should really trim
her nose hairs.
Screech, please.
Just can it with the commentary.
You are unbelievable,
you know that?
Professor Lasky gives
you a great opportunity
and you use it to hit on women.
Excuse me, I'm doing
serious research here.
Zack, driving down
Sorority Row yelling,
"Send out your women!"
is not serious research.
Oh, yeah? Wait 'til you
see the Kappa Zeta footage.
They have very
interesting bathing rituals.
Ugh! Forget it, Zack.
Hey, come on, this is going to
be a groundbreaking study.
How many phone
numbers do we have?
Eighteen.
I love this project.
Sophomore year,
I had a cracked rib,
a separated shoulder,
and a ruptured spleen,
but I never missed a game.
Ow!
What's wrong?
Paper cut.
We got to stop for today.
Just tough it out, sir.
In publishing, you have
to learn to play hurt.
Right.
OK, on the field, I was a hero.
But off the field,
I still couldn't get up the
nerve to ask out Jenny Stillwell.
Ooh, really?
That's good stuff.
Go on.
I-- I can't.
It's just too personal.
Personal is what sells books.
Come on, Mike.
You can tell me anything.
All right.
There I was, 20 years old and
I still hadn't had my first date.
Ah ha ha!
And I thought I was a geek!
And I am!
Strike that part from the book,
and make sure it never
leaves this room.
Your secret is safe
with me, sir.
You know else is a babe?
That guy Kevin in History class.
Oh, he is cute, and
oh, what a body.
KELLY KAPOWSKI (OFFSCREEN):
Uh-huh.
Yeah, speaking of bodies,
what about Slater's?
Ha ha!
He is the best thing that ever
happened to a pair of jeans!
LESLIE BURKE (OFFSCREEN):
Mm, mm, mm!
So cute!
What?
I know I've been fighting it,
but I am madly
in love with Zack.
KELLY KAPOWSKI (OFFSCREEN):
Mm, I know what you mean.
I want him, too.
Bad.
You will have to fight
me for him!
Get in line!
Of course, his body isn't half
as good as Slater's.
FEMALE SPEAKERS (OFFSCREEN):
No way!
Ahh!
What are you doing?
Serves you right for spying!
I am not spying!
I am doing scientific research!
Yeah, sure.
Really, listen, I have to give
Lasky this report by Friday,
and I have nothing.
I don't know what it is, but
women don't take me seriously.
What?
So, in '87, I had 19 sacks,
recovered 10 fumbles,
and I
had three interceptions.
You got that, Screech?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
MVP, blah, blah, blah, Super
Bowl ring, big yawn.
What?
Well actually sir, I thought the
personal stuff was more interesting.
You know, the part about you not
dating 'til you were 20?
I hate that part.
Well sir, as your editor, I
suggest we put it in the book.
And have people laugh at me?
No way.
They won't laugh at you.
What they'll see is
a real person.
What they'll see is a real wimp.
Oh, they won't see a wimp --
they'll see a
guy just like me.
Oh, that makes me
feel much better.
Sir, let me explain.
You see, if a cool guy like
you had a little trouble with girls,
just think how much hope it
could give us regular guys!
You really think so?
All right, maybe I will.
Come on, let's hit the weights.
Oh, OK.
OK, remember what we
learned yesterday?
Arms straight, push from
the shoulders.
Come on, give me five reps.
You got it, sir.
That's it, concentrate.
Come on, breathe.
Breathe, come on, feel the burn!
[knocking]
Phone call for you,
Mr. Rogers.
She said she's Mikey's mommy.
Don't put this part in the book.
I feel the burn!
Oh!
Oh, oh!
- Hey, you!
- Hey, Kel.
Hey, Kelly?
We're close friends, right?
- Sure, Zack. Why?
- It's this Lasky project.
I mean, I'm in trouble.
I don't know what is, but women
won't open up to me.
Zack, no girl in her right
mind is going to open up
to a guy who's
been hitting on her.
And that's all you've
been doing.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
It's just that, hitting on girls
is like breathing to me.
By the way, nice shorts!
You see?
If you were really interested in
listening to what we have to say,
you'd get some real responses.
Well, I'm really
interested in you.
For starters, what do you want
to do with your life?
Oh, well, I'm not sure.
I want to make a difference
in people's lives somehow.
Maybe a teacher or work
in health care.
Health care really?
I didn't know you were
interested in that.
Yeah.
I am.
But, I also want to have fun
and meet some new friends.
And I wouldn't mind having
Leslie's wardrobe.
Is that so?
Yeah.
But, you know, it's really
hard coming to college
and competing with so
many girls that have money.
I mean, I have to work at
the Student Health Center
and really watch my pennies.
And sometimes I feel like I
just don't belong here.
Really?
What about you, Alex?
What do you want to do?
Does the camera bother you?
No,
the camera loves me,
particularly
from my left side.
With me, it's no big secret.
I want to be Meryl Streep.
I want an Oscar, an Emmy, a
Tony, and a Luke Perry.
Well, that's great, but uh,
what if you don't make it?
Don't make it?
Well, I never thought
about that.
Well shut the camera off!
No more pictures!
You!
Call my agent!
Wait a minute, I don't
have an agent.
What about you, Leslie?
What are your ambitions?
Well, in the Burke family,
you're born with ambition.
It's issued right along
with the trust fund.
My gosh, there's a library named
after my family on this campus.
My parents put so
much pressure on me,
I don't know
what I want.
They're never going to see
this tape, are they?
No.
You have my word.
Now, what is it you
guys want from us?
I mean, what do
women want from men?
Ha ha!
Where do we start?
Well, you guys always seem
to have a hidden agenda.
And men are always
sizing you up.
Yeah, it's like you're the
object of some kind of hunt.
I'd like to have a friendship with
a guy not based on the physical.
I'd like a man who's
really romantic.
Just once, I'd like to see
a guy cry at something
other than a football game.
I know it sounds simple,
but I want to be a
mother and raise a family.
What do I want?
Anything chocolate.
My perfect guy?
Uh, I guess it
really doesn't matter,
just as long as he
hasn't done time.
Intelligence.
Sincerity.
Kindness.
Men?
Men are pigs.
Who needs them?
Did I say Luke Perry?
I meant River Phoenix.
Very interesting, Zack.
Not bad, my boy, for your
first field study.
Conclusions?
Uh, well, to tell
you the truth sir,
I'm more
confused than ever.
I mean, I couldn't find the one
thing that all women want.
Guess they're just like guys.
They want a lot of different things.
Bingo.
Took me 32 years,
three dozen countries,
and an ex-wife to
learn that.
Good work.
Thanks.
Well, I'm a man of my word.
- You got your B.
- Ah.
You can sleep in the
rest of the semester.
All right, thank you, sir.
I'll never forget you for this.
Oh. by the way, if I give you
the girls' swim team footage,
can you make it an A?
Don't push your luck.
What are you doing?
Coach called me last night and said
our best guy came down with the flu.
I can wrestle in his place if I get
back down to my original weight class.
So now I have to lose three
pounds by 4:00.
And I am starving.
Ha! Now you know
what it's to be a woman.
I guess everybody's here
who's going to be here.
All right, let's get started.
One of the most fascinating
stories in anthropology
is Jane Goodall's 30-year study
of the chimpanzees of Gombe.
Now, the intelligence of these
guys is mind boggling.
Their reasoning and language
skills are incredible.
- They--
- Oh, yeah?
If they're so smart, how come
they don't have cable TV?
Well, well, Mr. Morris.
To what do we owe
this pleasure?
You already got your B.
I don't want a B.
I want an A.
Well, in that case,
son, sit down.
You're late.
Well, the only reason I was late, sir,
is because I stopped to buy your book.
Ah, very good.
You are going to find
it very useful.
Oh, ho, ho, I already have.
Stick around. It's going
to be an interesting year.
I feel the burn!
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh!
Oh!
[inaudible]