Saved by the Bell (1989–1992): Season 2, Episode 8 - Miss Bayside - full transcript

Bayside's winner of the Miss Bayside beauty pageant will go on to compete in the state-wide pageant of Miss High School California. The pageant stirs up controversy about sexism, in which both A.C. Slater and Screech enter as contestants to win a bet over who could win. Who will be the next Miss Bayside?

(bell rings)

♪ When I wake up in the morning
and the alarm gives out a warning ♪

♪ I don't think I'll ever
make it on time ♪

♪ By the time I grab my books
and I give myself a look ♪

♪ I'm at the corner just in time
to see the bus fly by ♪

♪ It's all right ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm saved by the bell ♪

♪ If the teacher pops a test
I know I'm in a mess ♪

♪ And my dog ate
all my homework last night ♪

♪ Ridin' low on my chair,
she won't know that I'm there ♪

♪ If I can hand it in tomorrow
it will be all right ♪



♪ It's all right ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm saved by the bell... ♪

♪ It's all right,
'cause I'm saved by the-- ♪

♪ It's all right, 'cause I'm saved
by the-- ♪

♪ It's all right,
'cause I'm saved by the bell ♪

Belding: All right,
let's go people.

Find a seat.

You too, Slater.

- What's up guys?
- Hey, Slater.

Here's the latest
Bayside survey.

98% of the students
favor two days of school

and a five-day weekend.

- Right, guys?
- (applause)

And now the results
of the principal popularity poll.



Whoops.

As you can see,
it's heading straight for China.

Zack, sit down.
You're ticking him off.

Wait. What about
classes on the beach? Huh?

Just sit.

Now, before we
continue our assembly,

our principal has
a special announcement.

Let's hear it for Mr. Belding.

You're winning in the back, sir.

Thank you, Jessie.

Listen up, everybody,

because two weeks from tonight,

we are holding the annual
Miss Bayside Beauty Pageant.

(cheering)

Swimsuit, swimsuit!

(chanting)
Swimsuit, swimsuit...

All right, all right, all right.

The lucky winner will then go on
to compete for the title of...

Miss High School California!

A beauty pageant?

What a stupid,
sexist waste of time!

Not if you're
in a teeny bikini, Mama!

I can't believe it.
A woman ran for Vice President,

a woman sits on
the Supreme Court,

and Belding still wants us
parading around in bathing suits.

But Jessie,
when those women go swimming,

don't they wear
bathing suits too?

Ooh!
Let's see you counter that one.

Kelly, we're human beings,
not sex objects.

I just don't want to be judged
on my measurements.

Why not? You've got
some great ones.

Yeah!

Every beauty pageant takes us
one step backwards

in our war against sexism.

You can take me prisoner
in that war anytime, baby.

Jessie does have a point.

Yeah. I was going to enter,
but after listening to you, I won't.

Oh, great. This is going to be
some beauty pageant. Woof woof.

Kelly, why don't you,
Lisa and I form a picket line?

- Not me, girl. I'm entering.
- Why?

Because I want to be
Miss High School California.

- It's fun being pretty.
- You are hopeless.

Come on, Kelly.
Let's go make picket signs.

How about some with pretty pink
letters and cute little hearts?

- See ya.
- Bye.

Lisa, you are one lucky girl.

Now that Kelly's out of the pageant,
I'm throwing my support to you.

Big deal.

For your information, Slater,
I happen to be an expert.

I've got videotapes
of every beauty pageant

from Miss Universe
to Miss U-Haul.

And I'd be happy
to offer my services.

Thanks.
But no thanks.

Yeah, well, I tell you,

she's going
to regret refusing my offer.

Oh, come on, Preppie.

You know as much
about beauty pageants

as I know about
wearing pantyhose.

Oh yeah? I bet you
I could take anyone

and make them
the next Miss Bayside.

All right, it's a bet.

50 bucks.

And since you said you could
take anyone,

I get to pick the contestant.

- You got it.
- Deal.

Let me see here.
Hmm...

Too cute.

Too sweet.

Hi, guys!

Too perfect.

- Screech?
- Hey, Zack,

wanna see me drink
a milkshake through my nose?

I bet no one'll beat him
in the talent contest.

Hey, who drank my root beer?

(burps)

Sorry, Zack.
Potato chips make me thirsty.

Screech, I have something
very important to tell you.

ALF flew back to Melmac?

No.

The next Miss Bayside
is right here in this room.

Kevin!

- I'm so happy for you.
- Me?

Not Kevin.
You, you doofus.

Zack, I thought you
knew this already, but I'm a guy.

It doesn't matter.
The rules don't say anything

about Miss Bayside
having to be a girl.

Let me see those.

I'll need my glasses.

Okay, let's see here...
(mutters)

Bing! He's right, boss,
you can enter.

But do something
about your hair.

But I don't want to enter, Zack.
No one would vote for me.

That's because the other kids
don't know the real you.

They don't realize
all your wonderful qualities.

- I have some?
- Yeah.

You're full of them.

You'll go where no man
has ever gone before.

Okay. But I have
to be home before dark.

Sisters! Don't sign up
for the beauty pageant.

Let Belding know
we're united against him.

Yeah!

Kelly, show some
more enthusiasm.

Right. Okay.

Belding is a sexist!
Rah, rah, rah!

On second thought,
just carry the sign, okay?

Hi, Jessie, Kelly.

Nice signs.

They would've been
prettier in pink.

We don't talk to traitors.

Hi, guys. I just entered
the beauty pageant.

- Wish me luck.
- Lisa, you had your chance.

Now I'm backing
a better contestant.

- Who?
- Screech.

(laughs)

(low)
"Ban Miss Bayside." Huh.

Zack, are Jessie and Kelly
still out there with those signs?

- Still there, sir.
- Don't worry, sir,

I don't think you're a pig.

Sir, can I please have
an entry form for the pageant?

Oh, great. Now I suppose
you want to enter.

Don't be ridiculous.

- I'm entering Screech.
- Are you crazy?

You can't enter a man.

I'm not entering a man.
I'm entering Screech.

I'm sorry but this contest
is only for women.

Why? Why should women be
the only ones put on parade?

I think it's a great idea to enter
a man in the pageant.

It makes a statement.

Oh, you want a statement?
Well, here's a statement:

"No way, José!"

Now I'll never be beauty queen.

- Hold it!
- Hold it!

If you don't let Screech in,
you're discriminating against men.

They'll just join us
in the picket line.

Yeah. I'll get you 20 good men
by lunch, Jessie.

I can deliver three geeks
and a nerd.

Wait a minute now. Let's not
let this thing get out of hand here.

Jessie, if I let this...

contestant enter the pageant,

will you stop your protesting?

Well...

a man in a beauty contest
would be a big step forward.

All right. Let Screech enter
and I'll call off the protest.

Okay.
Sign up.

Mom will be so proud.

I don't believe this.

Screech is making a mockery
out of the pageant.

No, Lisa. This is the first time
the pageant hasn't been a mockery.

People should vote
for the inner person.

Give me a break.
It's easy for you to talk.

You're not in the contest.

I'd feel the same way
if I were in it.

No, you'd feel ridiculous
competing against Screech.

No, she wouldn't.
I bet Jessie would be proud

to be part of an event that treats
men and women equally.

- Right, Jessie?
- Well, yeah. I suppose so.

- Then why don't you enter?
- Yeah.

Yeah, show off
your inner person.

All right, I will.
I'm in.

Right. Way to go, Mama.

I mean, Ms. Mama.

- Jessie what?
- I saw it with my own two eyes.

She entered the beauty pageant.

She thinks she's got the prettiest
"inner person" in the school.

Let's see if her inner person

can match my outer person
in a bikini.

Ooh. Does that mean you're going
to give her some competition?

- You're darn right I am.
- Great.

Having a beauty contest
without you, Kelly,

is like having snap and crackle
without the pop.

Hey, guys.
What's up?

Nothing much, except that the Miss
Bayside has become a real contest

now that Jessie
and Kelly are in.

What?
Kelly, you're in?

Yeah, and don't feel bad
about backing Screech instead of me.

- No hard feelings?
- Of course not.

And until the pageant is over,
no more dates.

Kelly.

Could you hand me
my towel, please?

Sure.

What does that mean?

It means you're a hypocrite!
Talking me out of the pageant,

and then you
entering it yourself!

Excuse me, but I'm in because
the politics behind it changed.

But I wouldn't expect
you to grasp that.

Your understanding of politics

is limited to who won the election
on "Sesame Street."

Can you believe this snob?

I can't believe you,
Kelly-come-lately!

Me?

It's not enough for you to be
Homecoming Queen,

you have to butt into the pageant
to upstage me!

I've got news for you.
This is one beauty pageant

you are not gonna win.

It is not a beauty contest anymore.

That's right, you entered it!

- Watch it, cheerleader!
- Watch it, egghead!

(all shouting)

Hey, hey, hey.
Wait a minute.

What are we getting
so upset for?

We are up against Screech.

(laughing)

All right, rehearsals
for the talent competition.

Let's go.
Come on, everybody.

Jeannie Tyler, you're up first.

(marching music plays)

(music stops)

(piano playing)

(violin plays)

The caterpillar emerges
from a cocoon

and takes
a look at her new body.

Now she is a butterfly.

Now she has wings,

and now she can fly!

Screech's chances
look better than ever.

Just wait till
you hear Kelly sing.

She's got a voice like a bird.
Watch.

(piano plays)

(off-key singing)
♪ Blue moon ♪

♪ You saw me
standing alone ♪

♪ Without a dream
in my heart ♪

♪ Without a love
of my own ♪

(piano stops)

I didn't say what bird.

Ooh.

Okay, next...

The Great Screechini.

(music plays)

Thank you, Zack.

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen,
to the wonderful world of magic.

And now allow me to present
my wonderful assistant, Kevin.

Kevin, you're all dressed up.

I've got a date
with Robocop's kid sister.

I'll do the jokes.

Hey, boss, I've got to blow my nose
and I don't have a handkerchief.

- Can I borrow yours?
- This is very unprofessional.

You'd better hurry it up!
I feel a sneezing fit coming on.

Ah-ah...

ah-ah-tchoo!

Gesundheit!

Make that check
payable to Zachary--

We'll see about that, Preppie.

(fast rhythm playing)

What are you doing?

If a guy is going
to win this pageant,

it's going to be me!

I'm in, Preppie.

Face it, Zack,

now that Slater's entered,
I don't stand a chance.

You're wrong, Screech.

Take away his looks, his muscles

and his smile, and what's left?

Me?

Slater never would have entered
this contest if it weren't for you.

Are you going to sit back and let
him steal the credit you deserve?

Well, what can I do?

Get back in there and fight.

- Oww!
- Oops.

Sorry, boss.
I think I gave you a shiner.

Oh, no.
Look at my eye.

I'll never win
the beauty pageant now.

Oh yeah?

That's what you think.

Hey, guys. Did you hear about
Slater and Screech?

Yeah, they both did great
at the talent rehearsal.

Oh, no. That's old news.
I mean Screech's black eye.

Slater gave Screech a black eye?

You're kidding!
Slater gave Screech a black eye?

Did you hear what Slater did
to Screech last night?

- What?
- What?

Slater dropped Screech
off the roof of the school!

- No kidding!
- No kidding!

Did you hear Screech was
in surgery for eight hours?

I know. He's still
in intensive care.

AC Slater should be locked up.

Did you hear Screech
is on life-support?

Yeah, but the brave little guy

still wants to compete
in the pageant.

If the hospital
lets him out on time.

Both: Wow!

Thank you.

And now, continuing with
our swimsuit competition.

Next up is Jeannie Tyler.

Thank you, Jeannie.

Our next contestant
is Kelly Kapowski.

Kelly's our head cheerleader.

She's used to leading cheers,
but now she's receiving them.

Thanks, Kelly.

Our next contestant
is Jessie Spano.

Where is your swimsuit, Jessie?

I don't believe a woman should be
displayed like a side of beef.

However, I am wearing
a swimsuit underneath,

and for those of you who
enjoy that sort of thing,

it's blue
with pink stripes, okay?

Next a different look
for this year's competition --

AC Slater!

Gee, I wonder why
they don't like him?

Okay.

Thank you very much, AC Slater.

Next, Samuel Powers,

better known to all
of you as Screech!

(applause)

I think they like him.

All right, now for our finalists
in the Miss Bayside Pageant.

The winner will
go on to Sacramento

to compete for the title
of Miss High School California.

- Each girl--
- Ahem.

Or guy, will answer one question

and give her, or his, answer.

Are you ready, Jeannie Tyler?

Yes.
That was an easy question.

Well, thank you, Jeannie.

Next, Kelly Kapowski.

Kelly, "What do you think
we can do

to make this a more
peaceful world?"

I don't think it's enough
to believe in peace.

You have to cheer it along.
Like...

gimme a P-E-A-C-E!

P-E-A-C-E!
Yay, peace!

Thank you, Kelly.

Next, Lisa Turtle.

"Do you think beauty pageants
are out of touch

with today's
changing woman?"

No, I don't. I think beauty
should be appreciated

wherever you can find it.
There are so many terrible things

in the world today, why not have
a pageant that makes you feel good?

Thank you, Lisa.

And now, for our final
contestant for Miss Bayside,

Miss...ter
Samuel Powers.

All right.

"What have you learned
from competing

in the Miss Bayside
Pageant?"

Well, I've learned that every
geek can have his day.

Tonight, hundreds of my
fellow students cheered for me.

I never felt so
proud in my life.

But it's time for me to stop
thinking about myself.

I don't like this.

If you choose me,
there's no way Miss Bayside

could possibly win
Miss High School California.

I mean any of these girls
would be better.

So please, don't vote for me.

Now that's inner beauty.

Don't listen to him,
he's still on medication!

All right, this is
the big moment.

Good luck, everyone.

The new Miss Bayside is...

the lovely, the beautiful...

Screech!

I don't believe it.

I've lost
to a teenage mutant dork?

Okay, well, here you go.
Here's your 50 bucks.

Keep your money.
It wasn't a fair fight.

I started a rumor that you
gave Screech that black eye.

What? So that's why no one
cheered for me then.

You wouldn't have won
anyway. Besides,

have you ever seen a more
beautiful Miss Bayside than that?

Never.

♪ Say, isn't she--
he charming? ♪

♪ Isn't he a pearl? ♪

♪ Lovely, disarming ♪

♪ Not even a girl ♪

♪ He's bursting
with beauty ♪

♪ And now it's my duty ♪

♪ To present to you with pride ♪

♪ The very first
Mister Miss Bayside! ♪

(instrumental theme music plays)