Saved by the Bell (1989–1992): Season 2, Episode 2 - Zack's War - full transcript

(bell rings)

♪ When I wake up in the morning
and the alarm gives out a warning ♪

♪ I don't think I'll ever
make it on time ♪

♪ By the time I grab my books
and I give myself a look ♪

♪ I'm at the corner just in time
to see the bus fly by ♪

♪ It's all right ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm saved by the bell ♪

♪ If the teacher pops a test
I know I'm in a mess ♪

♪ And my dog ate
all my homework last night ♪

♪ Ridin' low on my chair,
she won't know that I'm there ♪

♪ If I can hand it in tomorrow
it will be all right ♪



♪ It's all right ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm saved by the bell... ♪

♪ It's all right,
'cause I'm saved by the-- ♪

♪ It's all right, 'cause I'm saved
by the-- ♪

♪ It's all right,
'cause I'm saved by the bell ♪

Hey, Zack, see that girl?
She's about to become my woman.

What are you gonna do?
Shoot her with a stun gun?

No, I'm gonna use
the old Screech charm.

- Hi, Molly.
- Hi.

Beat it!

I can do that.

What happened?

The usual.

The bully gets the girl,
I get the locker.



Oh.

All right, everyone, listen up,
'cause I have great news.

Madonna's the new school nurse?

No. Bayside has been chosen
to host a pilot program

for the California Cadet Corps.

Now, I'd like to introduce
to you Lieutenant Chet Adams.

(wolf whistles)

Lisa, what are you doing?

I can't help it.
He is so hot.

Are you all right, young lady?
Yes, Lieutenant Hot.

In the Cadet Corps, we initiate
students into the Army way of life.

Naturally, there's discipline,
hard work involved.

No, thank you.

Excuse me?

Every school has one.
He's ours.

As I was saying,
there's also career training

and a chance
for college scholarships.

I hope you'll sign up and see what
you can be in today's Army.

Why aren't women
allowed on the front line?

- Because we need cooks.
- Boys: Yeah!

In the United States Army,
women are second to none

as far as intelligence,
stamina and courage.

- Kelly: All right.
- Girls: Yeah!

I hope I'll be seeing
some of you soon.

Oh, you will, honey.

- Thank you, Mr. Belding.
- Thank you, Lieutenant.

Any volunteers?

Count me in, Mr. Belding.

Count me out, Mr. Belding.

You're out, all right.
My office, five minutes.

This is it, Morris.
The end. El finito.

I am fed up with your wisecracks.

I am giving you a month's worth
of Saturday detention.

- Four Saturdays?
- Huh-uh, 30 Saturdays!

30 Saturdays?!
Sir, can we negotiate?

Hey, I'll wash your car.

The last time you washed my car,

you flooded the inside.

Carpool, sir.

- Hold on.
- Holding, sir.

Maybe there is
something you can do.

I want to see this Cadet Corps
succeed here.

So if you sign up, no detention.

You mean all I have to do is
join that Mickey Mouse Army?

That's right.
That and one other little request --

we need a full class
for the program,

so it's your job to get them.

All right, you got a deal,
Mr. Belding.

Either he's getting real old,
or I'm getting really good.

Why should I join
the Cadet Corps?

Because the new Army
serves cake at every meal.

Slice me in!

Louise, the Army's
a good place for a girl like you.

Zack, the Army is not for me.

You may not believe this,
but I am a non-violent person.

Well, there's three guys
for every girl.

I could learn to be violent.

Hii-ya!

I take that as a yes, Rambette?

- Hey, Butch.
- Hey!

Don't touch me
or you're shark spit.

If you join the Corps,
you can beat up anybody you want,

and not get in trouble.

- Hey, that sounds choice, Zack.
- All right.

I can't believe you signed up
for this macho cadet crock.

Hey, my Dad's been in the Army
and served proudly for 25 years.

You know, Slater, women really
don't belong in the Army.

Slater: Right.

You heard
what the lieutenant said.

He said we're
as qualified as any man.

Oh yeah? Then why don't you
sign up and prove it?

Hey, you don't
have to take that.

All right, bubba, I'm in.
And in fact, so is Kelly.

- Why am I in?
- Why?

Because we women
should stick together.

Yeah! And your father
has seven children,

and the lieutenant said you can win
college scholarships.

Okay, I'll do it.
Lisa?

I will waste any girl who comes
near my commanding officer.

Hey, this is great.
All I need is one more sucker.

- Hi.
- Bye.

Hey, Screech, pal.

You wanna know how
you can get that girl?

By being a real man.

- Me?
- That's right.

Wait till Molly sees you
in a uniform.

Atten-hut!

At ease.

You are wonderful,
General Screech.

Troops, when I came
into the Corps

I was weak, pathetic,
and lily-livered.

Yeah, and you still are!

- On your feet, soldier.
- No way, dork.

Hey! It's General Dork to you.

Attention!

Prepare to hold hands.
Give him 10.

One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven,
eight, nine, 10!

I'll be all the Screech
that I can be.

Ow! Ah!

- You in here, too?
- Yeah.

Welcome. Maybe we can
share a foxhole sometime.

(growls)

Hi, guys. Do you think
the lieutenant will like me in this?

Whoa! I think when he sees you,
his helmet will melt.

I hope I can handle this, so I have
a chance at that scholarship.

Stop worrying. Would I be
in this class if it weren't a snap?

Well, nice to see
such a good turnout.

I want you guys to relax,
enjoy yourselves

and I'm sure we're gonna
have a great time.

- Great.
- What'd I tell you? Piece of cake.

(bell rings)

Ten-hut!

Maybe I wasn't clear.
On your feet!

Now men--

Pardon me,
don't you mean persons?

I guess not. Yeah.

Cadet Corps is now in session.

There will be no talking,

no smiling, no blinking

and no chewing.

- But I always chew gum in class.
- You do?

Yes.

Make that gum history.

(gulps)

What's with the uniform?

I hope he is not
like this on a date!

Hey, lighten up, Lieutenant,
there's no war.

Haven't you heard?
Peace broke out all over the world.

Oh, I remember you.

Big mouth.

- Down and give me 20.
- How about two five's and a 10?

- How about 50?
- Come on, Lieutenant.

- Where's the fun and games?
- It's gonna be plenty of fun...

for me.
Make that 100!

Sir, I can't do
that many push-ups.

That's okay.
I have all day to watch you try.

I wonder if he takes money?

Three, four, five...

Forget it, Morris.

But, sir, I don't
belong in the Corps.

Sorry, you agreed.

You are not my headache anymore.

All right, if you must know, sir,
I'm a bad American,

not worthy of my uniform.

Did you hear what I just said?
You are not my headache.

I feel wonderful.

The Army is my Tylenol,
and my Zack-ache is gone.

Good morning, Lisa, Kelly.

How could it be good?
Look at the way I am dressed!

I think you look terrific.

I'm beginning to love the Army!

I hope I haven't been
too rough on you.

Are you kidding? Compared
to my three older brothers,

you're a wuss!

Looks like you've been
working out, Cadet Screech.

It's scary how quickly
I'm developing, sir.

- Scares me.
- (air hissing)

Look what happens when you stop
pumping iron for one day.

Why aren't you in uniform,
Cadet Morris?

Well, let's face it, sir.
I'm just not Corps material.

I think it's best
for both of us if I resign.

That's too bad,
because I had big plans for you.

I'm afraid my arms can't take
anymore of your big plans, sir.

You're a born leader.
I'd hate to lose you.

How about I make you a deal?

Oh yeah?
What kind of deal?

We're gonna have
an athletic competition,

and I was thinking of making you
captain of one of the teams.

Well, that's very nice, sir,
but where's the deal?

If your team wins,
I'll let you out of the Corps.

And even better,

you can pick the teams.
Do we have a deal?

Pick the teams?

Yes, sir.

Who does this guy
think he's dealing with?

The highlight of every
Cadet Corps program

is an athletic competition.

This helps develop
physical skills, teamwork,

and it's the Army's way
of separating the men from the boys.

Excuse me?

- The persons from the persons.
- Thank you.

Now, there'll be a Red Team
and a Blue Team.

Choice of colors all right
with you, Miss Spano?

- Yes. But it's Ms.
- Oh, right.

Now, I've already picked
the leaders for the two teams,

AC Slater and Zack Morris.

I've given Cadet Morris
the responsibility

of choosing the teams.

All right, we'll start first
with the Red Team.

When I call your name,
step forward.

Alan, Screech,

Lisa, Louise.

Okay, you guys are with Slater.

What?!

Jessie, Kelly, Butch, and Rocco
are with me on the Blue Team.

Let the games begin!

Wait a second. That's not fair.
He's got all the jocks, Lieutenant.

Wait a second.
I am not a jock, okay?

So what!
You're on a team of hunks.

Are these teams
evenly matched, Cadet Morris?

They certainly are, sir.
If anything,

Slater has the advantage.

Yeah? For what,
the Nerd Bowl?

- Are you sure this is fair?
- Sir, you have my word.

Well, good.

Zack, you'll lead the Red Team,
Slater, the Blue Team.

But-- but, sir, you said I could
pick the teams.

I know, and you did a fine job.

But I pick the leaders.
That's my job.

Pretty good at his job,
huh, Zack?

Left, left, left, right, left.

Company halt!

Left face!

Good soldiering, Cadet Slater.

Thank you, sir.

Okay, Blue Team.
Ready?

Right face.

Forward march.

Left, left, left, right, left.
Left...

Zack:
Left, left, left, right, left.

Company halt.

Alan, I said halt!

I thought you said malt.

And I'm thirsty
from all this moving about.

Will you get off my back?
Now I have to burn my clothes.

All right, team.
Let's get it together. Come on.

About face!

Alan, I am not a cake,
so please, get out of my face.

You guys are hopeless!
Turn around!

- All right, Blue Team ready?
- Ready!

Go!

All right, let's go, guys!
Hustle, hustle, hustle!

Move it, move it, move it.
All right!

Yeah! Right on, Butch!
Right on, man!

Okay, guys. Let's do something
right this time, all right?

- Let's go, guys.
- Red Team ready?

Go!

- That's great, just great!
- Thanks to you, Zack.

I am never gonna win
with a bunch of losers like you.

You guys are the clumsiest
bunch of goofs I've ever seen,

and I quit!

Zack, you gotta come back. We don't
stand a chance without you.

Forget it, Screech.
I don't wanna waste my time.

But we're getting better.

Alan even got his uniform off
without ripping it.

- Big deal.
- I don't get it, Zack.

You're the one who talked us
into joining the Corps.

And now you're quitting just
because you're not on the best team?

Yeah, that's about it.
Because the Corps is stupid.

You said the Corps would make me
the kind of man Molly would want.

So I lied. Sue me.

You know, Zack,

ever since we were little...

I've looked up to you.

You had everything.

I always wanted to be like you.

Now, I'm glad I'm not.

Okay, tuggers, get ready,

Set, tug!

Ahem!

What are you doing here, Morris?

Rejoining my team
with your permission, sir.

That's impossible, Morris.
You're a quitter.

The Corps doesn't want quitters.

I want another chance.
Please let me back in, sir.

That's not for me to decide.

Maybe they don't want you back.

All right, I let all you guys down,
and I called you losers.

You know what?
I was wrong.

The only real loser
on this team was me.

Screech, I'm sorry.

Guys, please take me back.

We'll have to talk this over.

Let's put our heads together.

Ohh!

Look, guys, I think
we need him desperately.

- Welcome back, buddy.
- All right!

Come on, we don't have much time.
Let's get to work. Right here.

Come on! Yeah!

All right,
before we begin the competition,

I want the team captains
to come forward and shake hands.

- May the best squad win.
- Don't worry, we will.

Yeah, Louise!

Okay!
(whistle blows)

All right, go for it, Mama.

Okay, Papa.

- Go!
- All right, Mama, go!

Just keep going! Don't even think.
You got it! You got it!

- You got it! You got it!
- Kelly: Come on, Jessie! Come on!

Come on, you got it!
You're jammin' now. You're jammin'.

All right, all right. Yeah!
All right, you did it! Yeah!

Nine seconds!

(cheering)

Nine seconds?

I can't even get to the bottom
of my purse in nine seconds.

All right, just remember
what I taught you, all right?

You can do it. Come on.

- Come on, Lisa.
- Screech: Let's go, Lisa!

- Red Team, let's go!
- Let's go!

Ready?

- Go!
- Go, Lisa! Let's go, Lisa! Lisa!

Woo!
She's partying around!

- Four seconds!
- Yeah, Lisa!

- One point for the Red Team!
- Yes!

- Way to go, Lisa.
- Thank you, Lieutenant.

- By the way, are you married?
- By the way, yes.

By the way, adios.

Okay, guys, let's go. We'll get
them in the rope climb.

All right, yes!

All right, now, Slater's strong,
but you're quick.

Yeah, I'm a human dart.
I'll take this clown.

- Suck my dust, Slater.
- All right, Louise, yeah!

Ready? Go!

- Go, Louise!
- (all shouting)

Go, Louise!
Up, Louise! Up!

- One point for the Blue Team.
- (cheering)

Now we're rolling.
Let's hit that obstacle course.

At least I came in second.

Ready to be humiliated, wimp?

Hey, I'm always ready.

- Ready?
- Slater: You got it, Butch!

You got it, Butch!
Just hustle!

- Go!
- Go, Screech, go, go, go!

Yeah! Right on!
Right on, Butch!

For this exercise
in hand-to-hand combat,

you will have to subdue
the very mean fighting machine,

the awesome, Beldo!

I am one bad dude.

- Slater: Go, Kelly!
- Don't worry, Kelly.

I'll go easy on you.

- Go Kelly!
- Ready?

- Go!
- Come on, Kelly!

Mr. Belding, could we switch sticks?
Mine doesn't feel right.

- Sure, Kelly.
- Never mind.

Kelly Kapowski, man!

Six seconds!
Diverting the enemy. Good tactic.

Yes!

- Louise: Come on, Zack!
- (cheering)

I've been waiting for this day,
Morris.

This one's for you and your sweet
little girlfriend Kelly.

Ready?

- Go!
- Hi, Mrs. Belding.

My wife's here?

One second!
A new record!

- (Red Team cheering)
- Pathetic, Beldo.

We're all tied up.

Whichever team wins
the tug-of-war is our champion.

- Tuggers ready?
- Yes. Come on, guys.

- Tug!
- All right, pull!

Zack:
Come on, guys, pull!

Yeah! Go, guys, go, guys.
Come on, guys.

- Over here!
- Come on, guys, pull!

- Over here!
- Let's go!

Since the rope broke,
this is the tie-breaking event,

the Super Obstacle Course.
Each team will choose one man--

I mean, one person, to compete.

- Very good, Lieutenant.
- I'm trying, Cadet Spano.

- Now, Butch, this is your event.
- Yeah.

- Bring it on home.
- All right.

(grunting)

Well, Morris,
here's your chance.

If your team wins,
you're out of the Corps.

A free man.

- Guys.
- Zack, Butch is running again.

You're the only one
who can beat him.

- Yeah.
- Nope.

There's someone else here
who can beat him.

- Who?
- Screech.

Are you crazy?!
You saw what happened last time.

Yeah, I can't beat Butch.
We'll lose.

Not if you win.

Come on, Screech, it's time you
started believing in yourself.

- Runners, take your positions.
- You got it, Butch! It's you!

All right, Screech!
You can do it! Come on!

- Let's go, Screech.
- Red Team, let's go!

(all cheering)

Ready?

Go!

(all cheering)

Screech, yes!

All right, little buddy!
Great going!

- I won?
- You were wonderful!

- Does that answer your question?
- I won?! I really won?!

I can't believe I lost to you.

Maybe next time, you should
pick on a wimp your own size.

Nice work, Morris.

Personally, I didn't
think you stood a chance.

Thank you, sir. You didn't
give me much of a choice.

You got what you wanted, Morris.
I guess this is goodbye.

- Why, sir? Are you quitting?
- Not me.

Not me, either.

Someone told me the Corps
doesn't like a quitter.

(instrumental theme music plays)