Saved by the Bell (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - The Fabulous Birchwood Boys - full transcript

- Hi.
- Hey, Lexi.
Any chance you want to go
to the Harvest Dance together?
- I don't usually date seniors,
but I'll let you know.
- Cool.
Well, I better run.
I don't want to be late
to health class.
- Is it just me,
or are the seniors
at this school
really old-looking?
- Mm, it's just you.
- Can I ask, what exactly
is a Harvest Dance,
'cause apparently the class
president has to plan it?
- [chuckles] Okay, uh, first of
all, it'stheHarvest Dance,
and planning it is
a huge responsibility.
- But it's just a dance.
- Daisy, the kid who planned
the Harvest Dance last year
had a mental breakdown.
Now he plans the parties
at the Bellhurst Asylum
for the Teenaged Insane.
The theme for prom
last year was...
- Hey, Lexi.
My friend thinks you're cute.
- Oh.
Tell him I'm still
making my decision.
- Okay.
- Thanks.
- Okay, those seniors had
visible crow's feet.
I'm gonna check IDs.
- I just can't decide
who to say yes to.
- Well, what if you didn't
go with any of them?
What if you asked someone
to go with you instead?
- Hmm.
- Oh, man.
Flushed my shirt
down the toilet again.
- [sighs]
- If you like Jamie,
just ask him.
- Look, don't pressure me.
I'm still thinking about it.
But I do love
that you're obsessing
over my romantic entanglements.
Keep doing that.
- Hey, there is no way that
that guy goes to our school.
He's literally wearing cataract
glasses and a Desert Storm hat.
[laid-back music playing]
[bell rings]
- * When I wake up
in the morning *
* Alarm gives out a warning *
* I don't think I'll ever
make it on time *
[bell rings]
* By the time
I grab my books *
* And I give myself a look *
* I'm at the corner
just in time *
* It's all right,
it's all right *
* Saved by the bell,
it's all right *
* It's all right,
saved by the bell *
* It's all right *
* 'Cause I'm saved
by the bell *
[bell rings]
[cheerful music playing]
- * Bop-bop,
ooh, bop-bop-bop *
- * My surfing dream's
a wipeout *
* That bummer drill sergeant's
gonna kick my butt *
* There's no waves
in boot camp *
* You can't hang ten
while you go ten-hut *
* *
- Wonderful!
This may be the greatest
musical I've ever written,
and to think I got
kicked out of Juilliard
for getting straight Fs.
- You have a really
great voice, DeVante.
that's the first time
I've ever said that sincerely.
- That's enough musical
rehearsals for today.
The time has come
for scene work.
- Uh, what--what's scene work?
Is that, like, acting?
- Lexi,
you're the sultry beach babe
whose preacher father
thinks surfing is a sin.
you're the studly surf rat
who's gonna break her heart
like a long board
on a rocky shoal.
- Cool.
- And action.
- But, Kahuna...
What if I never see you again?
What if you get shot
in the war?
I could never lose you.
[gentle music]
- I'm not the Big Kahuna
I'm just
Private Bernard Kahoonski...
And my train is leaving.
- Kahuna, no!
- I'm sorry.
I have to go.
[bell rings]
- Okay.
That was rough, but, luckily,
I have a free period,
so I'm gonna twist off
a Barefoot Chard
and watch "Property Brothers."
We'll try this again tomorrow.
[light tense music]
- Eight, nine...
Damn it. How did I manage
to lose 800 whoopee cushions?
- Hey, Mac.
Hope you're having
a rock-and-roll day.
- Thanks, I always do.
[rock music]
- The Birchwood Boys
are back, baby!
* *
- No.
- Next item on the agenda--
we need to pick a caterer
for the Harvest Dance.
- Or what if everyone just
brought a bag of chips,
but to make it fun,
you keep the flavor
you're bringing a surprise.
Okay, I can't wait any longer.
I'm bringing Baked Lay's.
- Stop the meeting.
Stop this travesty.
I'm only gonna
ask you this once.
Who did you hire to do
the music at the Harvest Dance?
Who did you hire to do
the music at the Harvest Dance?
- This local indie band that
Principal Toddman recommended.
He said they'd play for free.
- Was it the Birchwood Boys?
- Yes.
- The Birchwood Boys are
Toddman and his neighbors
from the Birchwood
Furnished Apartment Complex
for Divorced Dads.
- I'm sorry.
It just feels crazy
to have a $10,000 budget
for a school dance,
and if we spend sensibly,
maybe we can use the rest of it
on something we actually need.
- On what?
"Pagier" books?
"Typier" computers?
I don't know.
I don't go to class.
I just walk around
the halls mixing it up.
- He does have a point.
- I do?
- He does?
- The money
is specifically allocated
for the dance
by the school board.
If we don't spend it,
we just lose it
from the budget next year.
- That's exactly what I said.
- Oh, well, in that case,
I guess we have to
spend the money?
[light music]
But how do you even spend
$10,000 on a school dance?
- Daisy, I'm currently wearing
$10,000 worth of cologne.
Let me show you how to spend.
- [sighs deeply]
[upbeat music]
* *
- We need to talk.
I know you weren't trying when
we ran that scene yesterday.
- Look, I did the musical
because I like music.
- Mm-hmm.
- But this acting stuff is,
respectfully, corny as hell.
- I understand completely,
which is why I've taken
the liberty of booking you
a class with famed
acting coach Dax Cahuenga.
I see you're
too shocked to gasp.
Dax is a Hollywood legend.
Do you know Justin Long?
That's Dax's landlord.
- Yeah, it's gonna be
a no for me, dog.
- Okay,
but how could you say no
to a girl
who's losing her sight?
Is that you?
Dax taught me that day one.
So what do you say, tough guy?
- I think we both know
I'm gonna leave now.
- Yeah.
[mellow music]
- Whoa.
This party store is so fancy.
- Hello, service?
[snaps fingers]
My dad's governor,
and her dad's daughter
is friends
with the governor's son.
- Stop it.
Snapping is so rude.
Okay, we need a punch bowl.
How about this one?
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
That is garbage.
I wouldn't let
my dog drink punch
out of that,
and my dog loves punch.
- Why?
What's wrong with it?
- It's the first one you saw.
Rule number one of spending
money like a rich person--
we can do better.
[lively music]
* *
- No, we can do better.
* *
We can do better.
* *
We can do better.
We can do even better.
* *
[snaps fingers] Service?
- Um, I don't work here.
- Oh.
[record scratches]
I know snapping is rude.
I'm being a rich person.
Don't judge me.
[hip-hop music]
- Yes.
- [groans]
- Man, you trash.
- Yo, I miss Douglas.
It sucks they
split up the crew.
- Yeah, well, at least they
sent y'all to Valley together.
I'm at Bayside alone.
- Valley is wild.
It is full of white people
that love "Hamilton"
but are terrified
of real black people.
We just walk around talking
about how much it sucks.
[cell phone buzzes]
* *
- So, I mean, being that Valley
hasn't changed y'all,
y'all still keeping
that same Douglas energy?
- Absolutely.
All day, every day.
- Wrong.
- Shut up.
You said you weren't
gonna say nothing.
- D, Ray tried
to reinvent himself
his first day at Valley.
- Come on, please, man.
- He came in wearing
a little hat.
Show him.
- A hat?
- A hat. Look at this.
* *
You look like an old dad
in a Spike Lee movie.
- I was trying something new.
What do you think, D?
* *
- Boy, if you don't
get your ghetto
Carmen Sandiego hat ass
up out of here...
- Yeah, you look like
Al Capone's one black friend.
- You Paddington Bear-looking--
You know what?
I got to go.
- Where you going?
- Well, you figure it out,
Sherlock Stupid Hat.
- Carmen Sandiego was dope.
She traveled the world.
- Hello?
Has rehearsal been canceled?
- In a sense, yes.
I sent everyone home.
If you aren't going to make
time to come to acting class,
acting class is going to
have to come to you.
Welcome to your nightmare.
Just kidding.
It'll be fun.
- Ahh, ohh...
[light music]
- Catch what?
- I threw you a sound.
It's an acting exercise.
Here, try again.
Ahh, ohh--ah!
You didn't catch it.
* *
You're lucky it isn't broken.
- If I do break it,
can this be over?
- If you're gonna be
in the musical,
you need to be willing to step
out of your comfort zone.
- I am--I've been out
of my comfort zone
ever since
I got to this school.
Look, I thought I could try
something new,
but maybe I can't--
maybe it was just a mistake.
- It's not a mistake.
You're just scared.
But sometimes facing your fear
and taking the risk
is worth it.
- I'm not scared.
I just don't want
to look like a joke.
- A joke?
Is that what you think
I look like?
- Well, yeah, kind of.
- Hey, Lexi, come on, now.
I didn't mean it like that.
- No, I think maybe
you were right.
Maybe you should just quit.
- Lexi.
[melancholy music]
* *
- Guys!
Why is no one using the booties
I bought for them?
I spent all last weekend
buffing the gym floor...
and being cool
and going on dates and stuff.
[clears throat]
Excuse me.
- Daisy.
These are the fanciest harvest
decorations I've ever seen.
- What can I say?
Bayside deserves the best.
Guys, why are we
carving pumpkins?
Sorry, it's just
jack-o'-lanterns are Halloween.
This is Harvest.
[light tense music]
- Okay.
- Hey, I bet myself $10
that I would never say this,
but you're kind of good
at being a rich lady.
You should be proud
of yourself.
This dance is gonna be perfect.
[feedback screeching]
- Are we sweet?
Am I sweet in the mix?
Saul, can you play me a--Saul?
Can you play me a middle C?
[note plays]
There it is.
That should do it.
Rock and roll!
[feedback screeches]
- Okay, maybe not perfect.
[electric guitar screeches]
- So, are you guys excited
for the Harvest Dance?
I hope there aren't
too many scarecrows this year.
- Hey, Jamie.
Heard you talking
about the Harvest Dance.
Know who you're taking?
- I haven't really thought
about it yet.
- Dances are so fun.
I've been to so many
over the course of my life.
Well, let me know, hon.
- Okay, is that woman
a senior at our school?
- Who, Dolores?
- She's, like, a billion.
Nobody else sees this?
Maybe this place
is making us old.
I'm gonna go check
my face in the mirror.
[light music playing]
- [sighs]
do you know who you're
taking to the dance?
- Um, I don't know.
I was thinking maybe
it could be fun to, like,
bring a friend.
I mean, if you're not
taking anyone, maybe...
- Maybe what?
You forgot
to finish your sentence.
It's cool.
I do it all the...
- Maybe, uh...
I don't remember
what I was gonna say.
It was probably something
really funny.
- [laughs]
Oh, yeah, it was.
- It's called
the horn of plenty, Nadia,
not a horn of some.
We can do better.
- Hey, if this is
what it's like to have a job,
then it sucks.
And I owe my dad's trophy wife
a huge apology.
[electric guitar screeches]
- Hey, Daisy,
would you like us to open
with "The Piña Colada Song" and
then just play it all night,
because that is
the only song we know?
[Rupert Holmes' "Escape"
* *
- [sighs]
- [chuckles]
- We got to do something
about Toddman.
- Oh, listen,
nobody wants to flush that turd
more than I do.
Who do we replace him with?
I mean, my next-door neighbor
is Post Malone.
He's always standing asleep
in his front yard
watering the grass.
I could see
if he knows somebody.
- What?
Ask him.
- What do we do about Toddman?
- I'll deal with it.
- Oh, really?
You sure?
- We want the dance
to be perfect, right?
I'll do what I have to do.
- Savage.
I like that for you.
I'm gonna go wake up Post
and tell him the good news.
* *
- [sighs deeply]
- Hey, Daisy,
are we not loud enough?
Hold up, boys. One second.
I can crank the treble.
The bass is broken.
- Mr. Toddman,
I know I promised
that the Birchwood Boys
could play the dance,
but I think we want to move
in a different direction.
- It's Saul.
He's the problem, right?
Did his face Band-Aid come off?
Now you know why
he wears a face Band-Aid.
- I'm sorry, Mr. Toddman.
But you're not
playing the dance.
We can do better.
- Oh.
I see.
Hey, Saul, pack it up.
We're canned.
- [sighs]
Why are we standing
around, guys?
Post Malone
is playing the dance,
and this place
has to look amazing.
Let's go, let's go, let's go!
[snapping fingers]
- Excuse me, did you just snap
at a room full of volunteers?
The only one who is allowed
to snap at me
is the crocodile I'm raising
to make a bag out of.
Screw this.
I quit.
- [scoffs]
- Wow. Rude.
- Build your own corn maze.
- Uh... Uh...
* *
[record scratches]
Okay, now you can judge me.
- How are you not gonna buy me
a house if you win the lottery?
- Bro, it's my money, okay?
I got to get me a house.
I got to get
my grandmama a crib.
- Oh, then you definitely
gonna buy me one,
'cause I'm gonna be
smashing your grandma.
- Dude!
- Now you know how it feels.
- Your grandma is thick,
She make them good grits.
[cell phone buzzes]
- Okay, y'all,
stop talking about my grandma.
- Smooth.
- Yo, you leaving us again, D?
- Nah, I ain't got
nowhere to be.
- Good, then I'ma order us
some pizzas.
- Or paella.
- No, why are you always
trying something new?
- I'm not--Valley had it
in the cafeteria,
and I wanted to see
what it was about.
- [sighs, clicks tongue]
D, put something good
on TV for us, please.
- Got you.
- No, but dead-ass,
buy that paella.
It got shrimp.
Do you know what saffron is?
It got saffron.
Like, that's fragrant.
[TV beeping]
- What the...
- I'm excited,
but I'm nervous, too.
It's, like, I've been
going to school
with these people for years,
and this is the first time
they're gonna see me
since my transition.
The first time
they're actually
gonna see me as myself.
[uplifting music]
But I'm scared.
What if they judge me
or don't accept me?
* *
I just don't want people
to think I'm a joke.
- Oh, no.
[indistinct chatter]
- Today was hard.
I threw up Go-Gurt on my
first-day-of-school dress,
so I had to wear
my second-day-of-school dress
But I got to be myself,
and tomorrow I get
to do it all over again.
You see, the thing
I learned today is...
If you don't
face your fears...
- Hey.
- Good to see you.
- You too.
- Hi.
And just say,
"This is me,
and I don't care
what anyone else thinks,"
then you'll never be the
person you were meant to be.
You'll never be free.
* *
- Are you...
- Shut up, man!
Look, I'm in the musical
at Bayside.
- It's--it's all good, man.
You do you.
- Mm-hmm.
- Take off the damn hat!
- Okay, everything is set
with Post Malone.
His requests were
hot tea with lemon
and that I always stay
50 feet away from him.
[unsettling music]
* *
Uh, what happened?
- Um, I guess
I sort of lashed out,
and the whole
dance committee quit.
So I thought maybe
I can do it all myself.
- What even is this?
Did you put Christmas lights
in a fishbowl?
- It's an elegant accent piece,
you dick.
I saw it
on someone's Pinterest.
Okay, fine!
It was my Pinterest!
I got to act like a rich person
for one day--one day!
And I turned into
the worst version
of an entitled Bayside monster.
- So you're saying that
being rich is just as hard,
even harder than being poor?
- No, of course being rich is
way easier than being poor.
When you're poor,
you're worried all the time,
even if you're a kid.
Like, last year
I was all excited
about myquinceañera.
I even kept a folder
where I'd cut out
fancy pictures from magazines,
but then I overheard my mom
on the phone
talking about
how worried she was,
and we were drowning in bills.
So when she asked me
what I wanted for myquince,
I said they were stupid,
and I didn't want one.
- I'm sorry, Daisy.
That really sucks.
Just to clarify--
aquinceañerais some kind
of spicy meat pie?
[bell rings]
- I got to go to class.
I guess this is as good
as it's gonna get.
[cheerful music]
* *
- Right, 'cause that's
what I was thinking.
I never told him.
- Hey, Lexi.
I'm sorry about what I said.
You're not a joke.
You're cool.
- Okay, I actually
don't hate this so far.
Go on.
- And you were right.
I was scared.
But I don't want
to be scared anymore.
I want to be the person
that I was meant to be.
- What are you trying to say?
- What I'm trying to say is...
I think it's time
for the Big Kahuna
to surf on out of here!
- But, Kahuna...
what if I never see you again?
What if you get shot?
The world would lose
a surf champion,
but I--
I'd would lose my heart.
- Oh, but I'm not Kahuna
I'm just
Private Bernard Kahoonski,
and my train is leaving.
[indistinct chatter]
That wasn't so bad, right?
- Uh, actually,
that was total garbage,
but we'll work on it.
[light music]
* *
- So what do you think?
- Oh, my God.
How did you do all this?
- Let's just say
I had a little help.
- You told the volunteers
I was sorry
and convinced them
to come back?
- No, I gave them my dad's
floor seats to the Clippers.
- Oh.
- And I promised them that
you wouldn't be here for setup.
Anyway, congrats.
- [groans]
Wait, but isn't this too easy?
I acted horribly, and I just
get to get away with it?
- Yeah.
Look, you were right.
Having money can make you
act like a jerk,
but, fortunately,
you can just use more money
to clean up the mess you made.
It's the circle of wealth.
- But it just doesn't
seem right.
- You look conflicted.
Let me give you some money.
[indistinct chatter,
pop music playing]
* *
- This is fun.
Remember all the dances
we went to in this gym?
Ever wish you could go back?
- Sure do.
- [chuckles]
- When I think
about all the damage
we were doing to
the gym floor back then--
ugh, makes me sick.
Is anyone wearing
their booties?
For God's sake.
* *
- Hey, handsome.
- Oh, hey, Lexi.
- I see you decided
to roll solo, like me.
- Oh, no, actually,
uh, I have a date.
Oh, and I owe you
a thank-you
because you're the one who gave
me the idea to ask a friend.
- Oh, Aisha.
- Yeah.
- That's great.
- Right? Thanks.
- Have so much fun.
- You too, you too.
Very cool dress.
You look like a cupcake.
- Daisy, this is the fanciest
dance I've ever been to.
- Well, I don't deserve
all the credit.
- Oh, faux humility--
that's rich as hell.
You're becoming
a real Bayside kid.
Oh, okay, I got to go.
Jamie just saw a scarecrow.
* *
- Hey, everybody, could I get
a "Happy autumn, bitches"?
[cheers and applause]
Now, I know you didn't
come here to hear me.
You came here to hear
Post Malone.
[cheers and applause]
First, I want to give
a big shout-out to the person
who made all this happen.
Let's hear it for Daisy.
Come on up, Daisy.
[scattered cheers and applause]
- Daisy...
all: Daisy, Daisy!
- Come on, Daisy.
all: Daisy, Daisy, Daisy,
Daisy, Daisy, Daisy, Daisy!
Daisy, Daisy, Daisy,
Daisy, Daisy!
[cheers and applause]
- Now, ladies and gentlemen,
Post Malone--
- Stop, no!
- What are you doing?
- I'm sorry, everybody,
but I didn't make
this dance happen.
In fact,
my attitude almost ruined it,
so I want to say thank you to
all the hardworking volunteers
who put up with me.
I should have done better.
And I want to make
a surprise announcement.
Principal Toddman?
- Huh?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Would you like me to leave?
- Uh, what
are you doing, Daisy?
- Tonight's musical guest
will not be Post Malone
as scheduled.
- No, no, no.
- Please put your hands
together for...
the Birchwood Boys!
- No, no, no, no.
Keep your hands apart.
Keep your hands apart.
Do not put them together.
No, no, no.
Stop, stop, stop.
- * If you like piña coladas *
* And getting
caught in the rain *
* If you're not into yoga *
* If you have half a brain *
- Oh, I love this song.
It was played
at my first wedding.
- Okay, great.
Maybe I'll see you in class.
- * I'm the love
that you've looked for *
* Run to me and escape *
- Hey,
sorry I ruined the dance.
I just had to do
the right thing.
- It's okay.
We don't need another
entitled Bayside monster.
- [chuckles]
So was Post Malone mad?
- No, he was never even here.
- What?
- He's a platinum
recording artist.
He's not gonna play
a dance at a school gym.
- So what would you have done
if I didn't interrupt you?
- Huh.
I don't know.
Good thing you did.
- * I thought
it wasn't half bad *
* Yes, I like piña coladas *
* And getting
caught in the rain *
* I'm not much
into health food *
* I am into champagne *
* I've got to meet you
by tomorrow noon *
* And cut
through all this red tape *
* At a bar called O'Malley's *
* Where we'll plan
our escape *
* So I waited
with high hopes *
* Then she walked
in the place *
* I knew her smile
in an instant *
* I knew the curve
of her face *
* It was my own lovely lady *
* And she said,
"Aw, it's you" *
[chuckles] * And we laughed
for a moment *
* And I said, "I never knew *
* That you liked
piña coladas *
* And getting caught
in the rain"... *