Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 5, Episode 8 - Ted Knight/Desmond Child & Rouge - full transcript

♪ [PIANO MUSIC] ♪
Man: THE REPUBLIC OF PANAMA
IN COOPERACION WITH THE

Man: THE REPUBLIC OF PANAMA
IN COOPERACION WITH THE
PAHLAVI FOUNDATION PRESENTS:

LIVE FROM PANAMA
A CHRISTMAS GIFT FROM

A CHRISTMAS GIFT FROM
THE SHAH AND HIS FRIENDS.

THE SHAH AND HIS FRIENDS.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
HELLO, HELLO, MY NAME IS
MOHAMMAD REZA PAHLAVI

HELLO, HELLO, MY NAME IS
MOHAMMAD REZA PAHLAVI
BUT YOU KNOW ME BY JUST

MOHAMMAD REZA PAHLAVI
BUT YOU KNOW ME BY JUST
MY SHORT NAME: SHAH.

BUT YOU KNOW ME BY JUST
MY SHORT NAME: SHAH.
AS YOU KNOW, IF YOU'VE BEEN

MY SHORT NAME: SHAH.
AS YOU KNOW, IF YOU'VE BEEN
FOLLOWING THE WORLD NEWS

AS YOU KNOW, IF YOU'VE BEEN
FOLLOWING THE WORLD NEWS
CLOSELY, I WAS RECENTLY



FOLLOWING THE WORLD NEWS
CLOSELY, I WAS RECENTLY
A GUEST IN YOUR COUNTRY.

CLOSELY, I WAS RECENTLY
A GUEST IN YOUR COUNTRY.
AND YOU KNOW, I SAID TO MY WIFE

A GUEST IN YOUR COUNTRY.
AND YOU KNOW, I SAID TO MY WIFE
FARAH, I SAID, FARAH,

AND YOU KNOW, I SAID TO MY WIFE
FARAH, I SAID, FARAH,
HOW CAN I THANK THE AMERICAN

FARAH, I SAID, FARAH,
HOW CAN I THANK THE AMERICAN
PEOPLE FOR BEING SO NICE TO US

HOW CAN I THANK THE AMERICAN
PEOPLE FOR BEING SO NICE TO US
OVER THE PAST FEW GRUELING

PEOPLE FOR BEING SO NICE TO US
OVER THE PAST FEW GRUELING
MONTHS?

OVER THE PAST FEW GRUELING
MONTHS?
AND I SAID, MO, WHY NOT FLY

MONTHS?
AND I SAID, MO, WHY NOT FLY
ALL 225 MILLION OF OUR

AND I SAID, MO, WHY NOT FLY
ALL 225 MILLION OF OUR
AMERICAN FRIENDS DOWN TO

ALL 225 MILLION OF OUR
AMERICAN FRIENDS DOWN TO
OUR NEW HOME IN PANAMA

AMERICAN FRIENDS DOWN TO
OUR NEW HOME IN PANAMA
FOR A CHRISTMAS PARTY!

OUR NEW HOME IN PANAMA
FOR A CHRISTMAS PARTY!
AND I SAID, EVEN I CAN'T

FOR A CHRISTMAS PARTY!
AND I SAID, EVEN I CAN'T
AFFORD THAT! [LAUGHS]



AND I SAID, EVEN I CAN'T
AFFORD THAT! [LAUGHS]
SO INSTEAD, WE'VE DECIDED TO FLY

AFFORD THAT! [LAUGHS]
SO INSTEAD, WE'VE DECIDED TO FLY
JUST OUR VERY SPECIAL FRIENDS

SO INSTEAD, WE'VE DECIDED TO FLY
JUST OUR VERY SPECIAL FRIENDS
HERE AND OUR GIFT TO YOU,

JUST OUR VERY SPECIAL FRIENDS
HERE AND OUR GIFT TO YOU,
THE AMERICAN PEOPLE, IS THAT

HERE AND OUR GIFT TO YOU,
THE AMERICAN PEOPLE, IS THAT
YOU GET TO WATCH US EAT

THE AMERICAN PEOPLE, IS THAT
YOU GET TO WATCH US EAT
AND HAVE FUN.

YOU GET TO WATCH US EAT
AND HAVE FUN.
AND, SPEAKING OF FUN,

AND HAVE FUN.
AND, SPEAKING OF FUN,
HERE'S ONE OF OUR NEWEST

AND, SPEAKING OF FUN,
HERE'S ONE OF OUR NEWEST
FRIENDS, PANAMANIAN STRONG MAN,

HERE'S ONE OF OUR NEWEST
FRIENDS, PANAMANIAN STRONG MAN,
GENERAL OMAR TORRIJOS.

FRIENDS, PANAMANIAN STRONG MAN,
GENERAL OMAR TORRIJOS.
[PIANO MUSIC]

GENERAL OMAR TORRIJOS.
[PIANO MUSIC]
MUCHAS GRACIAS, FARAH.

[PIANO MUSIC]
MUCHAS GRACIAS, FARAH.
AND I WOULD LIKE TO WELCOME

MUCHAS GRACIAS, FARAH.
AND I WOULD LIKE TO WELCOME
YOU, SHAH AND FARAH, TO MY

AND I WOULD LIKE TO WELCOME
YOU, SHAH AND FARAH, TO MY
BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY OF PANAMA.

YOU, SHAH AND FARAH, TO MY
BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY OF PANAMA.
Both: THANK YOU, OMAR.

BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY OF PANAMA.
Both: THANK YOU, OMAR.
HERE IN PANAMA WE HAVE A

Both: THANK YOU, OMAR.
HERE IN PANAMA WE HAVE A
LOVELY CHRISTMAS TRADITION

HERE IN PANAMA WE HAVE A
LOVELY CHRISTMAS TRADITION
THAT WE CALL, LA PIÑATA.

LOVELY CHRISTMAS TRADITION
THAT WE CALL, LA PIÑATA.
WE FILL LA PIÑATA WITH CANDY

THAT WE CALL, LA PIÑATA.
WE FILL LA PIÑATA WITH CANDY
AND WE BLINDFOLD THE CHILDREN

WE FILL LA PIÑATA WITH CANDY
AND WE BLINDFOLD THE CHILDREN
AND THEY TRY TO BREAK IT OPEN.

AND WE BLINDFOLD THE CHILDREN
AND THEY TRY TO BREAK IT OPEN.
AND FOR YOU WE HAVE MADE

AND THEY TRY TO BREAK IT OPEN.
AND FOR YOU WE HAVE MADE
A SPECIAL PIÑATA ESPECIALLY

AND FOR YOU WE HAVE MADE
A SPECIAL PIÑATA ESPECIALLY
FROM THE PEASANTS OF PANAMA.

A SPECIAL PIÑATA ESPECIALLY
FROM THE PEASANTS OF PANAMA.
IF YOU PLEASE.

FROM THE PEASANTS OF PANAMA.
IF YOU PLEASE.
Both: OH!

IF YOU PLEASE.
Both: OH!
IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

Both: OH!
IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND FOR YOU, SHAH,
THE PIÑATA IS FILLED WITH
CHICLETS AND DEMEROL.

THE PIÑATA IS FILLED WITH
CHICLETS AND DEMEROL.
AW, MY FAVORITE.

CHICLETS AND DEMEROL.
AW, MY FAVORITE.
WHY, THANK YOU, OMAR.

AW, MY FAVORITE.
WHY, THANK YOU, OMAR.
I UNDERSTAND WE ARE GOING

WHY, THANK YOU, OMAR.
I UNDERSTAND WE ARE GOING
TO BREAK IT OPEN A LITTLE BIT

I UNDERSTAND WE ARE GOING
TO BREAK IT OPEN A LITTLE BIT
LATER IN THE SHOW SO

TO BREAK IT OPEN A LITTLE BIT
LATER IN THE SHOW SO
STICK AROUND, HUH?

LATER IN THE SHOW SO
STICK AROUND, HUH?
EXCUSE ME.

STICK AROUND, HUH?
EXCUSE ME.
I GOTTA GO OVER AND SEE

EXCUSE ME.
I GOTTA GO OVER AND SEE
WHO'S TRIMMING THE TREE.

I GOTTA GO OVER AND SEE
WHO'S TRIMMING THE TREE.
WELL, IF IT ISN'T MY OLD

WHO'S TRIMMING THE TREE.
WELL, IF IT ISN'T MY OLD
FRIENDS, ANWAR SADAT

WELL, IF IT ISN'T MY OLD
FRIENDS, ANWAR SADAT
AND BABA WAWA.

FRIENDS, ANWAR SADAT
AND BABA WAWA.
HOW ARE YOU?

AND BABA WAWA.
HOW ARE YOU?
[APPLAUSE]

HOW ARE YOU?
[APPLAUSE]
YOU TWO CERTAINLY LOOK LIKE

[APPLAUSE]
YOU TWO CERTAINLY LOOK LIKE
YOU'RE HAVING FUN!

YOU TWO CERTAINLY LOOK LIKE
YOU'RE HAVING FUN!
[HEAVY ACCENT] AH, REALLY.

YOU'RE HAVING FUN!
[HEAVY ACCENT] AH, REALLY.
ANWAR AND I FELT IT

[HEAVY ACCENT] AH, REALLY.
ANWAR AND I FELT IT
WOULD BE "APPWOPWIATE" THIS

ANWAR AND I FELT IT
WOULD BE "APPWOPWIATE" THIS
"CHWISTMAS" TO "TWIM" THE "TWEE"

WOULD BE "APPWOPWIATE" THIS
"CHWISTMAS" TO "TWIM" THE "TWEE"
WITH 50 "WITTLE" AMERICAN FLAGS.

"CHWISTMAS" TO "TWIM" THE "TWEE"
WITH 50 "WITTLE" AMERICAN FLAGS.
THIS ONE HERE "WEPWESENTS"

WITH 50 "WITTLE" AMERICAN FLAGS.
THIS ONE HERE "WEPWESENTS"
"WOUISIANA".

THIS ONE HERE "WEPWESENTS"
"WOUISIANA".
REALLY, AND THIS ORNAMENT IS

"WOUISIANA".
REALLY, AND THIS ORNAMENT IS
REPRESENT A PERSON WHO HAS

REALLY, AND THIS ORNAMENT IS
REPRESENT A PERSON WHO HAS
PULLED SOME STRINGS FOR YOU

REPRESENT A PERSON WHO HAS
PULLED SOME STRINGS FOR YOU
SINCE YOU FLED IRAN.

PULLED SOME STRINGS FOR YOU
SINCE YOU FLED IRAN.
FOR INSTANCE, THIS IS

SINCE YOU FLED IRAN.
FOR INSTANCE, THIS IS
DAVID ROCKEFELLER.

FOR INSTANCE, THIS IS
DAVID ROCKEFELLER.
"WEALLY?"

DAVID ROCKEFELLER.
"WEALLY?"
[DOOR BELL RINGS]

"WEALLY?"
[DOOR BELL RINGS]
WELL, I WONDER WHO

[DOOR BELL RINGS]
WELL, I WONDER WHO
THAT COULD BE.

WELL, I WONDER WHO
THAT COULD BE.
[CHUCKLES]

HENRY, WHAT A SURPRISE!
[APPLAUSE]
MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODY.

[APPLAUSE]
MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODY.
YOU KNOW, MOHAMMAD,

MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODY.
YOU KNOW, MOHAMMAD,
CHRISTMAS IS ABOUT FRIENDS

YOU KNOW, MOHAMMAD,
CHRISTMAS IS ABOUT FRIENDS
AND YOU'RE A FRIEND OF OUR

CHRISTMAS IS ABOUT FRIENDS
AND YOU'RE A FRIEND OF OUR
COUNTRY FOR OVER 30 YEARS.

AND YOU'RE A FRIEND OF OUR
COUNTRY FOR OVER 30 YEARS.
SO, ON BEHALF OF THE AMERICAN

COUNTRY FOR OVER 30 YEARS.
SO, ON BEHALF OF THE AMERICAN
PEOPLE, I'D LIKE TO PRESENT

SO, ON BEHALF OF THE AMERICAN
PEOPLE, I'D LIKE TO PRESENT
YOU WITH THIS GIFT.

PEOPLE, I'D LIKE TO PRESENT
YOU WITH THIS GIFT.
NO, HENRY, YOU CRACK ME UP.

YOU WITH THIS GIFT.
NO, HENRY, YOU CRACK ME UP.
IT'S A BEST-SELLER,

NO, HENRY, YOU CRACK ME UP.
IT'S A BEST-SELLER,
THANK GOD...

IT'S A BEST-SELLER,
THANK GOD...
AND IF PEOPLE WANT TO READ

THANK GOD...
AND IF PEOPLE WANT TO READ
THE TRUTH ABOUT IRAN,

AND IF PEOPLE WANT TO READ
THE TRUTH ABOUT IRAN,
IT'S ON THE BOOK.

THE TRUTH ABOUT IRAN,
IT'S ON THE BOOK.
THERE'S MANY EXCITING

IT'S ON THE BOOK.
THERE'S MANY EXCITING
PICTURES TOO.

THERE'S MANY EXCITING
PICTURES TOO.
HENRY, WE WERE JUST ABOUT

PICTURES TOO.
HENRY, WE WERE JUST ABOUT
TO SING SOME CHRISTMAS CAROLS.

HENRY, WE WERE JUST ABOUT
TO SING SOME CHRISTMAS CAROLS.
HEY, YOU KNOW MY FRIEND,

TO SING SOME CHRISTMAS CAROLS.
HEY, YOU KNOW MY FRIEND,
ROBERT VESCO.

HEY, YOU KNOW MY FRIEND,
ROBERT VESCO.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

ROBERT VESCO.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
SAY, BABA WAWA, I BET YOU KNOW

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
SAY, BABA WAWA, I BET YOU KNOW
THE WORDS TO THIS ONE.

SAY, BABA WAWA, I BET YOU KNOW
THE WORDS TO THIS ONE.
♪ "WUDOLPH" THE "WED" NOSE

THE WORDS TO THIS ONE.
♪ "WUDOLPH" THE "WED" NOSE
"WEINDEER" ♪

♪ "WUDOLPH" THE "WED" NOSE
"WEINDEER" ♪
♪ HAD A "VEWY" SHINY NOSE ♪

"WEINDEER" ♪
♪ HAD A "VEWY" SHINY NOSE ♪
♪ AND IF YOU EVER SAW HIM ♪

♪ HAD A "VEWY" SHINY NOSE ♪
♪ AND IF YOU EVER SAW HIM ♪
♪ YOU WOULD EVEN SAY

♪ AND IF YOU EVER SAW HIM ♪
♪ YOU WOULD EVEN SAY
IT "GWOWS" ♪

♪ YOU WOULD EVEN SAY
IT "GWOWS" ♪
"HENWY", WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

IT "GWOWS" ♪
"HENWY", WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
WELL, BABA, I'VE BEEN

"HENWY", WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
WELL, BABA, I'VE BEEN
♪ WALKING IN A WINTER

WELL, BABA, I'VE BEEN
♪ WALKING IN A WINTER
WONDERLAND ♪

♪ WALKING IN A WINTER
WONDERLAND ♪
♪ IN THE MEADOW WE CAN

WONDERLAND ♪
♪ IN THE MEADOW WE CAN
BUILD A SNOWMAN ♪

♪ IN THE MEADOW WE CAN
BUILD A SNOWMAN ♪
♪ SNOWMAN? ♪

BUILD A SNOWMAN ♪
♪ SNOWMAN? ♪
♪ PRETENDIMO QUE EL ES

♪ SNOWMAN? ♪
♪ PRETENDIMO QUE EL ES
PARSON BROWN ♪

♪ PRETENDIMO QUE EL ES
PARSON BROWN ♪
♪ HE'LL SAY ARE YOU MARRIED

PARSON BROWN ♪
♪ HE'LL SAY ARE YOU MARRIED
WE'LL SAY NO MAN ♪

♪ HE'LL SAY ARE YOU MARRIED
WE'LL SAY NO MAN ♪
♪ PERO USTED PUEDE HACER

WE'LL SAY NO MAN ♪
♪ PERO USTED PUEDE HACER
EL TRABAJO CUANDO USTED

♪ PERO USTED PUEDE HACER
EL TRABAJO CUANDO USTED
ESTA EN PUEBLO ♪

EL TRABAJO CUANDO USTED
ESTA EN PUEBLO ♪
[LAUGHTER]

ESTA EN PUEBLO ♪
[LAUGHTER]
♪ WE WISH YOU A

[LAUGHTER]
♪ WE WISH YOU A
MERRY CHRISTMAS ♪

♪ WE WISH YOU A
MERRY CHRISTMAS ♪
♪ WE WISH YOU A

MERRY CHRISTMAS ♪
♪ WE WISH YOU A
MERRY CHRISTMAS ♪

♪ WE WISH YOU A
MERRY CHRISTMAS ♪
♪ WE WISH YOU A

MERRY CHRISTMAS ♪
♪ WE WISH YOU A
MERRY CHRISTMAS ♪

♪ WE WISH YOU A
MERRY CHRISTMAS ♪
♪ AND ♪

MERRY CHRISTMAS ♪
♪ AND ♪
LIVE FROM NEW YORK AND PANAMA

♪ AND ♪
LIVE FROM NEW YORK AND PANAMA
IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!

LIVE FROM NEW YORK AND PANAMA
IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!
[♪..., APPLAUSE]

IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!
[♪..., APPLAUSE]
Announcer: IT'S SATURDAY

[♪..., APPLAUSE]
Announcer: IT'S SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE!

Announcer: IT'S SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE!
WITH TED KNIGHT.

NIGHT LIVE!
WITH TED KNIGHT.
[♪...]

WITH TED KNIGHT.
[♪...]
STARRING JANE CURTIN,

[♪...]
STARRING JANE CURTIN,
GARRETT MORRIS,

STARRING JANE CURTIN,
GARRETT MORRIS,
BILL MURRAY,

GARRETT MORRIS,
BILL MURRAY,
LARAINE NEWMAN,

BILL MURRAY,
LARAINE NEWMAN,
AND GILDA RADNER.

LARAINE NEWMAN,
AND GILDA RADNER.
[♪...]

AND GILDA RADNER.
[♪...]
WITH MUSICAL GUEST

[♪...]
WITH MUSICAL GUEST
DESMOND CHILD AND ROUGE.

AND SPECIAL GUEST
ANDY KAUFMAN.
AND FEATURING TOM DAVIS,

ANDY KAUFMAN.
AND FEATURING TOM DAVIS,
AL FRANKEN,

AND FEATURING TOM DAVIS,
AL FRANKEN,
PAUL SHAFFER,

AL FRANKEN,
PAUL SHAFFER,
AND HARRY SHEARER.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
TED KNIGHT!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HI, GUYS.
[LAUGHS]
OH!

[LAUGHTER]
[LAUGHS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

OH!

[CHUCKLES]
I SPILLED SOME ON THE FLOOR.
[BUZZING]

[PANTING]

[CHUCKLES]
OH, I LOVE IT.

IF I MAY TAKE A MOMENT
TO BE SERIOUS...
STEVE MARTIN,

TO BE SERIOUS...
STEVE MARTIN,
I KNOW YOU'RE WATCHING,

STEVE MARTIN,
I KNOW YOU'RE WATCHING,
HE NEVER MISSES THE SHOW.

I KNOW YOU'RE WATCHING,
HE NEVER MISSES THE SHOW.
STEVE, I HATE TO SPRING THIS

HE NEVER MISSES THE SHOW.
STEVE, I HATE TO SPRING THIS
ON YOU THIS WAY BUT...

STEVE, I HATE TO SPRING THIS
ON YOU THIS WAY BUT...
WELL, I HOPE YOU'RE

ON YOU THIS WAY BUT...
WELL, I HOPE YOU'RE
SITTIN' DOWN...

WELL, I HOPE YOU'RE
SITTIN' DOWN...
'CAUSE THIS IS VERY HARD FOR ME

SITTIN' DOWN...
'CAUSE THIS IS VERY HARD FOR ME
AND IT'S, IT'S NOT SOMETHING

'CAUSE THIS IS VERY HARD FOR ME
AND IT'S, IT'S NOT SOMETHING
I'M PROUD OF, STEVE.

AND IT'S, IT'S NOT SOMETHING
I'M PROUD OF, STEVE.
BUT IT'S POINTLESS TO

I'M PROUD OF, STEVE.
BUT IT'S POINTLESS TO
HIDE IT ANY LONGER 'CAUSE

BUT IT'S POINTLESS TO
HIDE IT ANY LONGER 'CAUSE
COMEDY GENES WILL TELL

HIDE IT ANY LONGER 'CAUSE
COMEDY GENES WILL TELL
IN THE END.

COMEDY GENES WILL TELL
IN THE END.
WOULD YOU FIX THIS, PLEASE?

IN THE END.
WOULD YOU FIX THIS, PLEASE?
THANK YOU.

WOULD YOU FIX THIS, PLEASE?
THANK YOU.
[LAUGHTER]

STEVE, IT'S IN YOUR BLOOD,
IT'S IN MY BLOOD,
IT'S IN OUR BLOOD.

IT'S IN MY BLOOD,
IT'S IN OUR BLOOD.
SON, THAT'S RIGHT, STEVE,

IT'S IN OUR BLOOD.
SON, THAT'S RIGHT, STEVE,
I'M YOUR FATHER.

SON, THAT'S RIGHT, STEVE,
I'M YOUR FATHER.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M YOUR FATHER.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
NO, NO, NO, NO...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
NO, NO, NO, NO...
THIS ISN'T FUNNY.

NO, NO, NO, NO...
THIS ISN'T FUNNY.
I HAD TO COME CLEAN BECAUSE

THIS ISN'T FUNNY.
I HAD TO COME CLEAN BECAUSE
IT'S CHRISTMAS.

I HAD TO COME CLEAN BECAUSE
IT'S CHRISTMAS.
BECAUSE OF ALL THOSE OTHER

IT'S CHRISTMAS.
BECAUSE OF ALL THOSE OTHER
CHRISTMASES WHEN I COULDN'T

BECAUSE OF ALL THOSE OTHER
CHRISTMASES WHEN I COULDN'T
BE THERE TO HELP A LONELY

CHRISTMASES WHEN I COULDN'T
BE THERE TO HELP A LONELY
LITTLE BOY IN A WHITE SUIT

BE THERE TO HELP A LONELY
LITTLE BOY IN A WHITE SUIT
WITH WHITE HAIR...

LITTLE BOY IN A WHITE SUIT
WITH WHITE HAIR...
MAKE HIM UNDERSTAND WHY

WITH WHITE HAIR...
MAKE HIM UNDERSTAND WHY
HE WAS DIFFERENT.

MAKE HIM UNDERSTAND WHY
HE WAS DIFFERENT.
THAT'S RIGHT, STEVE,

HE WAS DIFFERENT.
THAT'S RIGHT, STEVE,
'CAUSE YOU KNOW, IN MY YOUTH

THAT'S RIGHT, STEVE,
'CAUSE YOU KNOW, IN MY YOUTH
I WAS KIND OF A RAMBLING GUY.

'CAUSE YOU KNOW, IN MY YOUTH
I WAS KIND OF A RAMBLING GUY.
I RAMBLED INTO TEXAS

I WAS KIND OF A RAMBLING GUY.
I RAMBLED INTO TEXAS
AND YOUR MOTHER.

I RAMBLED INTO TEXAS
AND YOUR MOTHER.
[LAUGHTER]

AND YOUR MOTHER.
[LAUGHTER]
STEVE, SON, STEVIE, MY BOY!

[LAUGHTER]
STEVE, SON, STEVIE, MY BOY!
IT'S TRUE, IT'S TRUE!

STEVE, SON, STEVIE, MY BOY!
IT'S TRUE, IT'S TRUE!
AND ALL I CAN SAY TO YOUR

IT'S TRUE, IT'S TRUE!
AND ALL I CAN SAY TO YOUR
MOM AND THE GUY WHO THINKS

AND ALL I CAN SAY TO YOUR
MOM AND THE GUY WHO THINKS
HE'S YOUR DAD IS EXCUSE ME!

MOM AND THE GUY WHO THINKS
HE'S YOUR DAD IS EXCUSE ME!
[APPLAUSE]

HE'S YOUR DAD IS EXCUSE ME!
[APPLAUSE]
OH, NO, NO, NO...

[APPLAUSE]
OH, NO, NO, NO...
STEVE, I KNOW IT'S TACKY

OH, NO, NO, NO...
STEVE, I KNOW IT'S TACKY
TO TELL YOU ON NATIONAL

STEVE, I KNOW IT'S TACKY
TO TELL YOU ON NATIONAL
TELEVISION BUT I HAD TO LET

TO TELL YOU ON NATIONAL
TELEVISION BUT I HAD TO LET
YOU KNOW MERRY CHRISTMAS, SON,

TELEVISION BUT I HAD TO LET
YOU KNOW MERRY CHRISTMAS, SON,
FROM DADDY.

YOU KNOW MERRY CHRISTMAS, SON,
FROM DADDY.
OH BOY, I GOT IT OFF MY CHEST.

FROM DADDY.
OH BOY, I GOT IT OFF MY CHEST.
IF YOU ONLY KNEW HOW

OH BOY, I GOT IT OFF MY CHEST.
IF YOU ONLY KNEW HOW
RELIEVED I AM.

IF YOU ONLY KNEW HOW
RELIEVED I AM.
WHOO!

RELIEVED I AM.
WHOO!
I FEEL MUCH LIGHTER.

WHOO!
I FEEL MUCH LIGHTER.
THANKS A LOT.

I FEEL MUCH LIGHTER.
THANKS A LOT.
I FEEL SO GOOD FROM MY HEAD

THANKS A LOT.
I FEEL SO GOOD FROM MY HEAD
RIGHT DOWN TO MY...

I FEEL SO GOOD FROM MY HEAD
RIGHT DOWN TO MY...
HAPPY FEET!

RIGHT DOWN TO MY...
HAPPY FEET!
[APPLAUSE]

HAPPY FEET!
[APPLAUSE]
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!

[APPLAUSE]
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!
[APPLAUSE]

Announcer: NEW ON NBC:
EACH WEEK A NEW FAMILY
ADOPTS GARY COLEMAN

ON "DIFF'RENT STORKS."
THEN, BUCK ROGERS GOES

THEN, BUCK ROGERS GOES
ON A NEW KIND OF ADVENTURE

ON A NEW KIND OF ADVENTURE
IN A NEW KIND OF WORLD.
GARY COLEMAN GUEST STARS

IN A NEW KIND OF WORLD.
GARY COLEMAN GUEST STARS
IN THE PREMIERE OF

GARY COLEMAN GUEST STARS
IN THE PREMIERE OF
"BUCK ROGERS ON 125th STREET"

RIGHT AFTER "DIFF'RENT STORKS"
WEDNESDAY ON NBC!

WEDNESDAY ON NBC!
[APPLAUSE]

Man: I'M STANDING AROUND
OUTSIDE OF THE CLUB IN A
TOWEL AND A JOCK STRAP FOR AN

OUTSIDE OF THE CLUB IN A
TOWEL AND A JOCK STRAP FOR AN
HOUR AND NOBODY EVEN NOTICES.

TOWEL AND A JOCK STRAP FOR AN
HOUR AND NOBODY EVEN NOTICES.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE POINT

HOUR AND NOBODY EVEN NOTICES.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE POINT
IS OF JOINING A CLUB IS

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE POINT
IS OF JOINING A CLUB IS
IF YOU CAN'T GET COURT TIME.

IS OF JOINING A CLUB IS
IF YOU CAN'T GET COURT TIME.
AND THE THING IS,

IF YOU CAN'T GET COURT TIME.
AND THE THING IS,
YOU PROBABLY HAVE TO BRING

AND THE THING IS,
YOU PROBABLY HAVE TO BRING
YOUR OWN SOAP.

YOU PROBABLY HAVE TO BRING
YOUR OWN SOAP.
YOU DO HAVE TO BRING

YOUR OWN SOAP.
YOU DO HAVE TO BRING
YOUR OWN SOAP!

YOU DO HAVE TO BRING
YOUR OWN SOAP!
THERE YOU GO.

YOUR OWN SOAP!
THERE YOU GO.
ALL RIGHT, WE BETTER

THERE YOU GO.
ALL RIGHT, WE BETTER
GET GOING.

ALL RIGHT, WE BETTER
GET GOING.
I GOT SOME SHOPPING TO DO.

GET GOING.
I GOT SOME SHOPPING TO DO.
ALL RIGHT EVERYBODY.

I GOT SOME SHOPPING TO DO.
ALL RIGHT EVERYBODY.
GRIEVANCE BOARD OF THE

ALL RIGHT EVERYBODY.
GRIEVANCE BOARD OF THE
CHUDD INSURANCE CORPORATION

GRIEVANCE BOARD OF THE
CHUDD INSURANCE CORPORATION
IS NOW IN ORDER.

CHUDD INSURANCE CORPORATION
IS NOW IN ORDER.
DARLENE, WOULD YOU...

IS NOW IN ORDER.
DARLENE, WOULD YOU...
READ THE NOTES FROM

DARLENE, WOULD YOU...
READ THE NOTES FROM
THE LAST MEETING, PLEASE?

READ THE NOTES FROM
THE LAST MEETING, PLEASE?
ALL RIGHT.

THE LAST MEETING, PLEASE?
ALL RIGHT.
IT WAS DECIDED BY THE

ALL RIGHT.
IT WAS DECIDED BY THE
GRIEVANCE BOARD THAT

IT WAS DECIDED BY THE
GRIEVANCE BOARD THAT
THERE SHOULD BE RESERVED

GRIEVANCE BOARD THAT
THERE SHOULD BE RESERVED
PARKING ONLY FOR VICE...

THERE SHOULD BE RESERVED
PARKING ONLY FOR VICE...
WHAT'S THIS WORD?

PARKING ONLY FOR VICE...
WHAT'S THIS WORD?
PRESIDENTS.

WHAT'S THIS WORD?
PRESIDENTS.
VICE-PRESIDENTS.

PRESIDENTS.
VICE-PRESIDENTS.
VICE-PRESIDENTS AND

VICE-PRESIDENTS.
VICE-PRESIDENTS AND
THEIR SECRETARIES.

VICE-PRESIDENTS AND
THEIR SECRETARIES.
ALSO MISS DARLENE CRANE,

THEIR SECRETARIES.
ALSO MISS DARLENE CRANE,
THAT'S ME!

ALSO MISS DARLENE CRANE,
THAT'S ME!
WAS UNANIMOUSLY ELECTED

THAT'S ME!
WAS UNANIMOUSLY ELECTED
TO THE GRIEVANCE BOARD

WAS UNANIMOUSLY ELECTED
TO THE GRIEVANCE BOARD
MAKING HER, ME, THE FIRST

TO THE GRIEVANCE BOARD
MAKING HER, ME, THE FIRST
FEMALE VICE-PRESIDENT IN THE

MAKING HER, ME, THE FIRST
FEMALE VICE-PRESIDENT IN THE
HISTORY OF THE CHUDD

FEMALE VICE-PRESIDENT IN THE
HISTORY OF THE CHUDD
CORPORATION.

HISTORY OF THE CHUDD
CORPORATION.
VERY GOOD, DARLENE.

CORPORATION.
VERY GOOD, DARLENE.
EXCEPT FOR VICE-PRESIDENTS,

VERY GOOD, DARLENE.
EXCEPT FOR VICE-PRESIDENTS,
WHICH IS A HYPHENATED WORD,

EXCEPT FOR VICE-PRESIDENTS,
WHICH IS A HYPHENATED WORD,
AND A VERY HARD ONE,

WHICH IS A HYPHENATED WORD,
AND A VERY HARD ONE,
THAT WAS REALLY, REALLY GOOD.

AND A VERY HARD ONE,
THAT WAS REALLY, REALLY GOOD.
I THINK SHE'S OFF TO A VERY

THAT WAS REALLY, REALLY GOOD.
I THINK SHE'S OFF TO A VERY
GOOD START, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I THINK SHE'S OFF TO A VERY
GOOD START, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
ALL RIGHT.

GOOD START, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
ALL RIGHT.
OKAY, ANY OLD NEW BUSINESS?

ALL RIGHT.
OKAY, ANY OLD NEW BUSINESS?
MM-MM.

OKAY, ANY OLD NEW BUSINESS?
MM-MM.
ALL RIGHT, ANY NEW

MM-MM.
ALL RIGHT, ANY NEW
OLD BUSINESS?

ALL RIGHT, ANY NEW
OLD BUSINESS?
YEAH, BOB, WE GOT A COMPLAINT

OLD BUSINESS?
YEAH, BOB, WE GOT A COMPLAINT
OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT BY A

YEAH, BOB, WE GOT A COMPLAINT
OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT BY A
FEMALE EMPLOYEE AGAINST

OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT BY A
FEMALE EMPLOYEE AGAINST
ONE OF OUR EXECUTIVES.

FEMALE EMPLOYEE AGAINST
ONE OF OUR EXECUTIVES.
OH, BOY.

ONE OF OUR EXECUTIVES.
OH, BOY.
WHO ARE THE PARTIES CONCERNED?

OH, BOY.
WHO ARE THE PARTIES CONCERNED?
UH, THE EXECUTIVE IS

WHO ARE THE PARTIES CONCERNED?
UH, THE EXECUTIVE IS
ROGER KRAMER, VICE-PRESIDENT

UH, THE EXECUTIVE IS
ROGER KRAMER, VICE-PRESIDENT
OF MARKETING RESEARCH AND

ROGER KRAMER, VICE-PRESIDENT
OF MARKETING RESEARCH AND
THE EMPLOYEE IS HIS SECRETARY,

OF MARKETING RESEARCH AND
THE EMPLOYEE IS HIS SECRETARY,
AMY HOBAN.

THE EMPLOYEE IS HIS SECRETARY,
AMY HOBAN.
ROGER, ALL RIGHT.

AMY HOBAN.
ROGER, ALL RIGHT.
WELL, LET'S HEAR HER SIDE

ROGER, ALL RIGHT.
WELL, LET'S HEAR HER SIDE
OF IT FIRST.

WELL, LET'S HEAR HER SIDE
OF IT FIRST.
KAREN, SWEETHEART, WILL YOU

OF IT FIRST.
KAREN, SWEETHEART, WILL YOU
SEND IN MISS HOBAN, PLEASE?

KAREN, SWEETHEART, WILL YOU
SEND IN MISS HOBAN, PLEASE?
Karen: ALL RIGHTY, MR. LOGAN.

SEND IN MISS HOBAN, PLEASE?
Karen: ALL RIGHTY, MR. LOGAN.
THANK YOU, SWEETHEART.

Karen: ALL RIGHTY, MR. LOGAN.
THANK YOU, SWEETHEART.
I GOT HER "CHARLIE" FOR

THANK YOU, SWEETHEART.
I GOT HER "CHARLIE" FOR
CHRISTMAS, I HOPE SHE LIKES IT.

HELLO, MISS HOBAN.
FIRST, I'D LIKE TO...
WE'D ALL LIKE TO THANK YOU FOR

FIRST, I'D LIKE TO...
WE'D ALL LIKE TO THANK YOU FOR
BRINGING YOUR COMPLAINT

WE'D ALL LIKE TO THANK YOU FOR
BRINGING YOUR COMPLAINT
TO THE GRIEVANCE BOARD.

BRINGING YOUR COMPLAINT
TO THE GRIEVANCE BOARD.
SEXUAL HARASSMENT IS AN

TO THE GRIEVANCE BOARD.
SEXUAL HARASSMENT IS AN
IMPORTANT PROBLEM IN...

SEXUAL HARASSMENT IS AN
IMPORTANT PROBLEM IN...
IN A PUBLIC CORPORATION

IMPORTANT PROBLEM IN...
IN A PUBLIC CORPORATION
LIKE CHUDD AND WE FEEL WE

IN A PUBLIC CORPORATION
LIKE CHUDD AND WE FEEL WE
HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY

LIKE CHUDD AND WE FEEL WE
HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY
TO NIP THIS IN THE BUD.

HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY
TO NIP THIS IN THE BUD.
THANK YOU.

TO NIP THIS IN THE BUD.
THANK YOU.
WELL, I-I'M GLAD YOU

THANK YOU.
WELL, I-I'M GLAD YOU
FEEL THAT WAY, MR. LOGAN.

WELL, I-I'M GLAD YOU
FEEL THAT WAY, MR. LOGAN.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I WAS

FEEL THAT WAY, MR. LOGAN.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I WAS
A LITTLE NERVOUS ABOUT COMING

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I WAS
A LITTLE NERVOUS ABOUT COMING
HERE AND GIVING YOU ALL

A LITTLE NERVOUS ABOUT COMING
HERE AND GIVING YOU ALL
THE SORDID DETAILS.

HERE AND GIVING YOU ALL
THE SORDID DETAILS.
NONSENSE, WE LOVE THE

THE SORDID DETAILS.
NONSENSE, WE LOVE THE
SORDID DETAILS.

NONSENSE, WE LOVE THE
SORDID DETAILS.
[LAUGHTER]

SORDID DETAILS.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT SERIOUSLY, WE'D LIKE YOU

[LAUGHTER]
BUT SERIOUSLY, WE'D LIKE YOU
JUST TO SIT DOWN AND RELAX.

BUT SERIOUSLY, WE'D LIKE YOU
JUST TO SIT DOWN AND RELAX.
PLEASE MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME

JUST TO SIT DOWN AND RELAX.
PLEASE MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME
AND EVERYTHING IS GONNA BE

PLEASE MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME
AND EVERYTHING IS GONNA BE
KEPT STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL

AND EVERYTHING IS GONNA BE
KEPT STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL
BUT PLEASE SPEAK FREELY.

KEPT STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL
BUT PLEASE SPEAK FREELY.
WELL, EVER SINCE I STARTED

BUT PLEASE SPEAK FREELY.
WELL, EVER SINCE I STARTED
WORKING WITH MR. KRAMER, HE'S

WELL, EVER SINCE I STARTED
WORKING WITH MR. KRAMER, HE'S
BEEN MAKING SEXUAL ADVANCES.

WORKING WITH MR. KRAMER, HE'S
BEEN MAKING SEXUAL ADVANCES.
SUCH AS?

BEEN MAKING SEXUAL ADVANCES.
SUCH AS?
WELL, MY FIRST DAY ON THE JOB

SUCH AS?
WELL, MY FIRST DAY ON THE JOB
I WAS ON MY TIP TOES WATERING

WELL, MY FIRST DAY ON THE JOB
I WAS ON MY TIP TOES WATERING
HIS PLANTS AND HE CAME UP BEHIND

I WAS ON MY TIP TOES WATERING
HIS PLANTS AND HE CAME UP BEHIND
ME AND RUBBED AGAINST ME.

HIS PLANTS AND HE CAME UP BEHIND
ME AND RUBBED AGAINST ME.
I WAS SO SHOCKED, I COULDN'T

ME AND RUBBED AGAINST ME.
I WAS SO SHOCKED, I COULDN'T
SAY ANYTHING.

I WAS SO SHOCKED, I COULDN'T
SAY ANYTHING.
WELL, I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT.

SAY ANYTHING.
WELL, I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT.
THEN THE NEXT DAY, I WAS

WELL, I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT.
THEN THE NEXT DAY, I WAS
TAKING DICTATION AND HE DROPPED

THEN THE NEXT DAY, I WAS
TAKING DICTATION AND HE DROPPED
A PAPER CLIP DOWN THE FRONT

TAKING DICTATION AND HE DROPPED
A PAPER CLIP DOWN THE FRONT
OF MY BLOUSE AND OFFERED

A PAPER CLIP DOWN THE FRONT
OF MY BLOUSE AND OFFERED
TO GET IT.

OF MY BLOUSE AND OFFERED
TO GET IT.
THAT'S NOT VERY FUNNY, IS IT?

TO GET IT.
THAT'S NOT VERY FUNNY, IS IT?
THEN THE NEXT WEEK,

THAT'S NOT VERY FUNNY, IS IT?
THEN THE NEXT WEEK,
HE TURNED UP THE HEAT

THEN THE NEXT WEEK,
HE TURNED UP THE HEAT
ON THE RADIATOR ALL THE WAY UP

HE TURNED UP THE HEAT
ON THE RADIATOR ALL THE WAY UP
AND HE GAVE ME DICTATION IN THE

ON THE RADIATOR ALL THE WAY UP
AND HE GAVE ME DICTATION IN THE
NUDE, PACING BACK AND FORTH.

AND HE GAVE ME DICTATION IN THE
NUDE, PACING BACK AND FORTH.
BOB, THAT DOES GO AGAINST

NUDE, PACING BACK AND FORTH.
BOB, THAT DOES GO AGAINST
PRESIDENT'S ENERGY GUIDELINES.

BOB, THAT DOES GO AGAINST
PRESIDENT'S ENERGY GUIDELINES.
LET'S NOT MAKE ANY JUDGMENTS

PRESIDENT'S ENERGY GUIDELINES.
LET'S NOT MAKE ANY JUDGMENTS
UNTIL WE'VE HEARD THE WHOLE

LET'S NOT MAKE ANY JUDGMENTS
UNTIL WE'VE HEARD THE WHOLE
STORY... PLEASE CONTINUE.

UNTIL WE'VE HEARD THE WHOLE
STORY... PLEASE CONTINUE.
WELL, ABOUT THE THIRD WEEK,

STORY... PLEASE CONTINUE.
WELL, ABOUT THE THIRD WEEK,
MR. KRAMER TOOK ME OUT TO LUNCH

WELL, ABOUT THE THIRD WEEK,
MR. KRAMER TOOK ME OUT TO LUNCH
AND ASKED ME TO GO TO A MOTEL

MR. KRAMER TOOK ME OUT TO LUNCH
AND ASKED ME TO GO TO A MOTEL
WITH HIM AND SAID IF I PUT OUT

AND ASKED ME TO GO TO A MOTEL
WITH HIM AND SAID IF I PUT OUT
HE'D GIVE ME A RAISE

WITH HIM AND SAID IF I PUT OUT
HE'D GIVE ME A RAISE
AND A PROMOTION.

HE'D GIVE ME A RAISE
AND A PROMOTION.
WELL, WHAT'D YOU DO, HONEY?

AND A PROMOTION.
WELL, WHAT'D YOU DO, HONEY?
I REFUSED, OF COURSE!

WELL, WHAT'D YOU DO, HONEY?
I REFUSED, OF COURSE!
ALL RIGHT.

I REFUSED, OF COURSE!
ALL RIGHT.
WELL, THAT WAS SIX MONTHS AGO

ALL RIGHT.
WELL, THAT WAS SIX MONTHS AGO
AND SINCE THEN I'VE SEEN THREE

WELL, THAT WAS SIX MONTHS AGO
AND SINCE THEN I'VE SEEN THREE
OTHER WOMEN ADVANCED AHEAD

AND SINCE THEN I'VE SEEN THREE
OTHER WOMEN ADVANCED AHEAD
OF ME, ALL OF WHOM

OTHER WOMEN ADVANCED AHEAD
OF ME, ALL OF WHOM
HAVE SLEPT WITH MR. KRAMER.

OF ME, ALL OF WHOM
HAVE SLEPT WITH MR. KRAMER.
WELL, THOSE ARE PRETTY

HAVE SLEPT WITH MR. KRAMER.
WELL, THOSE ARE PRETTY
SERIOUS CHARGES, I THINK.

WELL, THOSE ARE PRETTY
SERIOUS CHARGES, I THINK.
I THINK WE SHOULD PROBABLY

SERIOUS CHARGES, I THINK.
I THINK WE SHOULD PROBABLY
GET MR. KRAMER IN HERE.

I THINK WE SHOULD PROBABLY
GET MR. KRAMER IN HERE.
SEE WHAT HE HAS TO SAY

GET MR. KRAMER IN HERE.
SEE WHAT HE HAS TO SAY
AT ALL THIS.

SEE WHAT HE HAS TO SAY
AT ALL THIS.
KAREN, HONEY, WOULD YOU SEND

AT ALL THIS.
KAREN, HONEY, WOULD YOU SEND
IN MR. KRAMER.

KAREN, HONEY, WOULD YOU SEND
IN MR. KRAMER.
Karen: YOU BET.

IN MR. KRAMER.
Karen: YOU BET.
THANK YOU, KAREN.

Karen: YOU BET.
THANK YOU, KAREN.
I THINK THE CHARLIE'S

THANK YOU, KAREN.
I THINK THE CHARLIE'S
WORKING.

I THINK THE CHARLIE'S
WORKING.
YEAH.

THANK YOU FOR COMING, RON,
MR. KRAMER.
I'M SURE THAT YOU ARE AWARE

MR. KRAMER.
I'M SURE THAT YOU ARE AWARE
THAT THIS IS AN INQUIRY,

I'M SURE THAT YOU ARE AWARE
THAT THIS IS AN INQUIRY,
NOT A TRIAL.

THAT THIS IS AN INQUIRY,
NOT A TRIAL.
WE JUST WANNA GET THE FACTS

NOT A TRIAL.
WE JUST WANNA GET THE FACTS
STRAIGHT SO WE CAN UNDERSTAND.

WE JUST WANNA GET THE FACTS
STRAIGHT SO WE CAN UNDERSTAND.
FIRST, LET ME SAY THAT

STRAIGHT SO WE CAN UNDERSTAND.
FIRST, LET ME SAY THAT
I'M TOTALLY INNOCENT AND

FIRST, LET ME SAY THAT
I'M TOTALLY INNOCENT AND
I'VE NEVER EVEN MET THIS WOMAN.

I'M TOTALLY INNOCENT AND
I'VE NEVER EVEN MET THIS WOMAN.
MR. KRAMER, I'VE BEEN

I'VE NEVER EVEN MET THIS WOMAN.
MR. KRAMER, I'VE BEEN
YOUR SECRETARY FOR SIX MONTHS!

MR. KRAMER, I'VE BEEN
YOUR SECRETARY FOR SIX MONTHS!
WELL, I'D LIKE TO SEE

YOUR SECRETARY FOR SIX MONTHS!
WELL, I'D LIKE TO SEE
SOME PROOF OF THAT.

WELL, I'D LIKE TO SEE
SOME PROOF OF THAT.
WELL, IT JUST SO HAPPENS THAT

SOME PROOF OF THAT.
WELL, IT JUST SO HAPPENS THAT
I HAVE AN OLD DICTATION TAPE

WELL, IT JUST SO HAPPENS THAT
I HAVE AN OLD DICTATION TAPE
THAT I THINK THIS BOARD

I HAVE AN OLD DICTATION TAPE
THAT I THINK THIS BOARD
MIGHT BE INTERESTED IN.

Mr. Kramer: AND I LOOK
FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU,
ET CETERA, ET CETERA,

FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU,
ET CETERA, ET CETERA,
ET CETERA.

ET CETERA, ET CETERA,
ET CETERA.
BEST REGARDS, ROGER A. KRAMER.

ET CETERA.
BEST REGARDS, ROGER A. KRAMER.
OKAY, AMY, ONCE YOU GET THAT

BEST REGARDS, ROGER A. KRAMER.
OKAY, AMY, ONCE YOU GET THAT
DONE, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE OFF

OKAY, AMY, ONCE YOU GET THAT
DONE, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE OFF
YOUR PANTS AND COME

DONE, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE OFF
YOUR PANTS AND COME
INTO MY OFFICE?

YOUR PANTS AND COME
INTO MY OFFICE?
[LAUGHTER]

INTO MY OFFICE?
[LAUGHTER]
OH, OKAY, UH...

[LAUGHTER]
OH, OKAY, UH...
YES, I DO REMEMBER YOU NOW.

OH, OKAY, UH...
YES, I DO REMEMBER YOU NOW.
[LAUGHTER]

YES, I DO REMEMBER YOU NOW.
[LAUGHTER]
ROGER, MRS., MISS HOBAN,

[LAUGHTER]
ROGER, MRS., MISS HOBAN,
I'M SORRY, HAS LEVELED SOME

ROGER, MRS., MISS HOBAN,
I'M SORRY, HAS LEVELED SOME
PRETTY SERIOUS CHARGES AT YOU.

I'M SORRY, HAS LEVELED SOME
PRETTY SERIOUS CHARGES AT YOU.
SHE SAYS THAT YOU ARE

PRETTY SERIOUS CHARGES AT YOU.
SHE SAYS THAT YOU ARE
PROMOTING ONLY THOSE WOMEN

SHE SAYS THAT YOU ARE
PROMOTING ONLY THOSE WOMEN
WHO GIVE YOU SEXUAL FAVORS.

PROMOTING ONLY THOSE WOMEN
WHO GIVE YOU SEXUAL FAVORS.
OH, NO...

WHO GIVE YOU SEXUAL FAVORS.
OH, NO...
I MEAN, WAIT A MINUTE.

OH, NO...
I MEAN, WAIT A MINUTE.
I THINK I GOT A FEW THINGS

I MEAN, WAIT A MINUTE.
I THINK I GOT A FEW THINGS
BACKASSWARDS HERE, HAVEN'T WE?

I THINK I GOT A FEW THINGS
BACKASSWARDS HERE, HAVEN'T WE?
IF YOU DON'T MIND MY SAYING SO.

BACKASSWARDS HERE, HAVEN'T WE?
IF YOU DON'T MIND MY SAYING SO.
SURE, I ADMIT IT, I DO

IF YOU DON'T MIND MY SAYING SO.
SURE, I ADMIT IT, I DO
OCCASIONALLY HAVE SEX WITH

SURE, I ADMIT IT, I DO
OCCASIONALLY HAVE SEX WITH
FEMALE EMPLOYEES HERE AT CHUDD.

OCCASIONALLY HAVE SEX WITH
FEMALE EMPLOYEES HERE AT CHUDD.
SOMETIMES IN THE OFFICES

FEMALE EMPLOYEES HERE AT CHUDD.
SOMETIMES IN THE OFFICES
DURING THEIR WORKING HOURS.

SOMETIMES IN THE OFFICES
DURING THEIR WORKING HOURS.
I'M JUST A NORMAL RED-BLOODED

DURING THEIR WORKING HOURS.
I'M JUST A NORMAL RED-BLOODED
AMERICAN GUY.

I'M JUST A NORMAL RED-BLOODED
AMERICAN GUY.
BUT USING PROMOTIONS TO GET

AMERICAN GUY.
BUT USING PROMOTIONS TO GET
SEX... THAT'S ANOTHER THING.

BUT USING PROMOTIONS TO GET
SEX... THAT'S ANOTHER THING.
NOW, MR. KRAMER, ISN'T IT

SEX... THAT'S ANOTHER THING.
NOW, MR. KRAMER, ISN'T IT
TRUE THAT THE ONLY WOMEN THAT

NOW, MR. KRAMER, ISN'T IT
TRUE THAT THE ONLY WOMEN THAT
YOU'VE GIVEN PROMOTIONS TO IN

TRUE THAT THE ONLY WOMEN THAT
YOU'VE GIVEN PROMOTIONS TO IN
THE LAST SIX MONTHS ARE WOMEN

YOU'VE GIVEN PROMOTIONS TO IN
THE LAST SIX MONTHS ARE WOMEN
WITH WHOM YOU'VE HAD SEX?

THE LAST SIX MONTHS ARE WOMEN
WITH WHOM YOU'VE HAD SEX?
HOW 'BOUT THAT, ROGER?

WITH WHOM YOU'VE HAD SEX?
HOW 'BOUT THAT, ROGER?
WELL, CAN I HELP IT IF

HOW 'BOUT THAT, ROGER?
WELL, CAN I HELP IT IF
MOST COMPETENT WOMEN IN

WELL, CAN I HELP IT IF
MOST COMPETENT WOMEN IN
MARKETING HAPPEN TO HAVE A

MOST COMPETENT WOMEN IN
MARKETING HAPPEN TO HAVE A
SEXUAL ATTRACTION FOR ME?

MARKETING HAPPEN TO HAVE A
SEXUAL ATTRACTION FOR ME?
I MEAN, IT'S LIKE DARWIN;

SEXUAL ATTRACTION FOR ME?
I MEAN, IT'S LIKE DARWIN;
THE SHARP ONES SENSE THE POWER

I MEAN, IT'S LIKE DARWIN;
THE SHARP ONES SENSE THE POWER
OF MY MANHOOD AND WANNA TAP

THE SHARP ONES SENSE THE POWER
OF MY MANHOOD AND WANNA TAP
MY GENETIC STORE HOUSE.

OF MY MANHOOD AND WANNA TAP
MY GENETIC STORE HOUSE.
HE'S GOT A POINT THERE, BOB.

MY GENETIC STORE HOUSE.
HE'S GOT A POINT THERE, BOB.
[LAUGHTER]

HE'S GOT A POINT THERE, BOB.
[LAUGHTER]
I KNOW THAT MOST COMPETENT GALS

[LAUGHTER]
I KNOW THAT MOST COMPETENT GALS
IN MY AREA KIND OF HAVE A

I KNOW THAT MOST COMPETENT GALS
IN MY AREA KIND OF HAVE A
LITTLE THING FOR ME, YEAH.

IN MY AREA KIND OF HAVE A
LITTLE THING FOR ME, YEAH.
WELL, ROGER, I GUESS

LITTLE THING FOR ME, YEAH.
WELL, ROGER, I GUESS
IT GETS DOWN TO THIS.

WELL, ROGER, I GUESS
IT GETS DOWN TO THIS.
MISS HOBAN SAYS THAT YOU TOLD

IT GETS DOWN TO THIS.
MISS HOBAN SAYS THAT YOU TOLD
HER THAT SHE'D GET A PROMOTION

MISS HOBAN SAYS THAT YOU TOLD
HER THAT SHE'D GET A PROMOTION
IF SHE HAD SEX WITH YOU.

HER THAT SHE'D GET A PROMOTION
IF SHE HAD SEX WITH YOU.
IS THAT TRUE?

IF SHE HAD SEX WITH YOU.
IS THAT TRUE?
WELL, HER WORD AGAINST MINE?

IS THAT TRUE?
WELL, HER WORD AGAINST MINE?
Bob: I GUESS SO, YES.

WELL, HER WORD AGAINST MINE?
Bob: I GUESS SO, YES.
WELL, SHE'S LYING.

Bob: I GUESS SO, YES.
WELL, SHE'S LYING.
YOU SLIME!

WELL, SHE'S LYING.
YOU SLIME!
DON'T YOU PEOPLE HAVE

YOU SLIME!
DON'T YOU PEOPLE HAVE
ANY SENSE OF DECENCY?

DON'T YOU PEOPLE HAVE
ANY SENSE OF DECENCY?
ARE WOMEN IN THIS COUNTRY

ANY SENSE OF DECENCY?
ARE WOMEN IN THIS COUNTRY
SIMPLY PROSTITUTES, IS THAT IT?

ARE WOMEN IN THIS COUNTRY
SIMPLY PROSTITUTES, IS THAT IT?
BUT INSTEAD OF $50 A TRICK,

SIMPLY PROSTITUTES, IS THAT IT?
BUT INSTEAD OF $50 A TRICK,
YOU GET AN EXTRA $500 A MONTH.

BUT INSTEAD OF $50 A TRICK,
YOU GET AN EXTRA $500 A MONTH.
WELL, IF THAT'S THE CASE,

YOU GET AN EXTRA $500 A MONTH.
WELL, IF THAT'S THE CASE,
YOU'RE NO BETTER THAN SOME

WELL, IF THAT'S THE CASE,
YOU'RE NO BETTER THAN SOME
PATHETIC JOHNS WHO CAN'T GET SEX

YOU'RE NO BETTER THAN SOME
PATHETIC JOHNS WHO CAN'T GET SEX
UNLESS YOU PAY FOR IT!

PATHETIC JOHNS WHO CAN'T GET SEX
UNLESS YOU PAY FOR IT!
ALL RIGHT.

UNLESS YOU PAY FOR IT!
ALL RIGHT.
WAIT JUST A MINUTE... I...

ALL RIGHT.
WAIT JUST A MINUTE... I...
SHE'S RIGHT, I WAS LYING.

WAIT JUST A MINUTE... I...
SHE'S RIGHT, I WAS LYING.
I DID TELL HER SHE'D GET A

SHE'S RIGHT, I WAS LYING.
I DID TELL HER SHE'D GET A
PROMOTION IF SHE PUT OUT.

I DID TELL HER SHE'D GET A
PROMOTION IF SHE PUT OUT.
[SOBBING] I'M KIND OF ASHAMED.

PROMOTION IF SHE PUT OUT.
[SOBBING] I'M KIND OF ASHAMED.
[LAUGHTER]

[SOBBING] I'M KIND OF ASHAMED.
[LAUGHTER]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]

[LAUGHTER]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]
WELL, AT LEAST THE TRUTH

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]
WELL, AT LEAST THE TRUTH
HAS COME OUT.

WELL, AT LEAST THE TRUTH
HAS COME OUT.
AND WE OWE A LOT TO YOU,

HAS COME OUT.
AND WE OWE A LOT TO YOU,
MISS HOBAN.

AND WE OWE A LOT TO YOU,
MISS HOBAN.
I THINK YOU'VE GIVEN THIS

MISS HOBAN.
I THINK YOU'VE GIVEN THIS
CORPORATION AN ENTIRELY NEW

I THINK YOU'VE GIVEN THIS
CORPORATION AN ENTIRELY NEW
PERSPECTIVE ON THE KIND OF

CORPORATION AN ENTIRELY NEW
PERSPECTIVE ON THE KIND OF
SEXUAL DISCRIMINATION THAT

PERSPECTIVE ON THE KIND OF
SEXUAL DISCRIMINATION THAT
GOES ON HERE AT CHUDD.

SEXUAL DISCRIMINATION THAT
GOES ON HERE AT CHUDD.
AND WE HAVE TO THANK YOU

GOES ON HERE AT CHUDD.
AND WE HAVE TO THANK YOU
FOR THAT.

AND WE HAVE TO THANK YOU
FOR THAT.
YOU'RE WELCOME.

FOR THAT.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
Bob: NOW, MISS CRANE.

YOU'RE WELCOME.
Bob: NOW, MISS CRANE.
YES?

Bob: NOW, MISS CRANE.
YES?
WOULD YOU TAKE MISS HOBAN OUT

YES?
WOULD YOU TAKE MISS HOBAN OUT
AND HAVE HER FILL OUT THE

WOULD YOU TAKE MISS HOBAN OUT
AND HAVE HER FILL OUT THE
OFFICIAL GRIEVANCE FORM,

AND HAVE HER FILL OUT THE
OFFICIAL GRIEVANCE FORM,
THE FORMAL COMPLAINT THAT A

OFFICIAL GRIEVANCE FORM,
THE FORMAL COMPLAINT THAT A
HEARING DID OCCUR AND

THE FORMAL COMPLAINT THAT A
HEARING DID OCCUR AND
THE REST OF THE BOARD WILL TAKE

HEARING DID OCCUR AND
THE REST OF THE BOARD WILL TAKE
APPROPRIATE DISCIPLINARY ACTION

THE REST OF THE BOARD WILL TAKE
APPROPRIATE DISCIPLINARY ACTION
AGAINST MR. HOBAN.

APPROPRIATE DISCIPLINARY ACTION
AGAINST MR. HOBAN.
ALL RIGHT.

AGAINST MR. HOBAN.
ALL RIGHT.
THANK YOU, GENTLEMEN.

ALL RIGHT.
THANK YOU, GENTLEMEN.
FOLLOW ME.

OH!
WAS THAT A CLOSE ONE?
YOU GUYS WERE GREAT.

WAS THAT A CLOSE ONE?
YOU GUYS WERE GREAT.
[APPLAUSE, ♪...]

DURING THIS HOLIDAY SEASON,
YOUR LOCAL POLICE DEPARTMENT

YOUR LOCAL POLICE DEPARTMENT
WOULD LIKE TO REMIND YOU

WOULD LIKE TO REMIND YOU
TO WATCH YOUR HANDBAGS.

TO WATCH YOUR HANDBAGS.
WATCH YOUR WALLET, KEEP AN EYE

WATCH YOUR WALLET, KEEP AN EYE
ON YOUR PACKAGES, BE SURE

ON YOUR PACKAGES, BE SURE
TO WATCH YOUR STEP.

TO WATCH YOUR STEP.
WATCH YOUR MOUTH

WATCH YOUR MOUTH
AND KEEP MOVING '!
DON'T BE STANDIN' AROUND.

AND KEEP MOVING '!
DON'T BE STANDIN' AROUND.
JUST MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.

DON'T BE STANDIN' AROUND.
JUST MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.
DON'T GO LOOKING ' FOR TROUBLE.

JUST MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.
DON'T GO LOOKING ' FOR TROUBLE.
STAY OUT OF THE WAY,

DON'T GO LOOKING ' FOR TROUBLE.
STAY OUT OF THE WAY,
DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING,

STAY OUT OF THE WAY,
DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING,
DON'T MOVE ANYTHING.

DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING,
DON'T MOVE ANYTHING.
BREAK IT UP, MOVE ALONG,

DON'T MOVE ANYTHING.
BREAK IT UP, MOVE ALONG,
NO LOITERING, GET GOING ',

BREAK IT UP, MOVE ALONG,
NO LOITERING, GET GOING ',
OR I'LL RUN YA IN!

NO LOITERING, GET GOING ',
OR I'LL RUN YA IN!
AND YOU BETTER WATCH OUT,

OR I'LL RUN YA IN!
AND YOU BETTER WATCH OUT,
MERRY CHRISTMAS, I'M TELLING '

AND YOU BETTER WATCH OUT,
MERRY CHRISTMAS, I'M TELLING '
YA ONCE!

MERRY CHRISTMAS, I'M TELLING '
YA ONCE!
Announcer: A CHRISTMAS

YA ONCE!
Announcer: A CHRISTMAS
MESSAGE FROM YOUR LOCAL POLICE.

Announcer: A CHRISTMAS
MESSAGE FROM YOUR LOCAL POLICE.
[APPLAUSE]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
DESMOND CHILD AND ROUGE.
[APPLAUSE]

DESMOND CHILD AND ROUGE.
[APPLAUSE]
[♪...]

[APPLAUSE]
[♪...]
♪ IT'S THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

[♪...]
♪ IT'S THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
AND I CAN'T GET TO SLEEP ♪

♪ IT'S THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
AND I CAN'T GET TO SLEEP ♪
♪ (WAKE UP, WAKE UP,

AND I CAN'T GET TO SLEEP ♪
♪ (WAKE UP, WAKE UP,
WAKE UP, WAKE UP) ♪

♪ (WAKE UP, WAKE UP,
WAKE UP, WAKE UP) ♪
♪ I'M AWFUL RESTLESS AND

(WAKE UP, WAKE UP) ♪
♪ I'M AWFUL RESTLESS AND
I CAN'T SAY WHY ♪

♪ I'M AWFUL RESTLESS AND
I CAN'T SAY WHY ♪
♪ (WAKE UP, WAKE UP, WAKE UP) ♪

I CAN'T SAY WHY ♪
♪ (WAKE UP, WAKE UP, WAKE UP) ♪
♪ ALL THE MEN YOU HAVE

♪ (WAKE UP, WAKE UP, WAKE UP) ♪
♪ ALL THE MEN YOU HAVE
SLEPT WITH IN YOUR LIFE ♪

♪ ALL THE MEN YOU HAVE
SLEPT WITH IN YOUR LIFE ♪
♪ I'M ONE OF THEM ♪

SLEPT WITH IN YOUR LIFE ♪
♪ I'M ONE OF THEM ♪
♪ AS WE TUMBLE ♪

♪ I'M ONE OF THEM ♪
♪ AS WE TUMBLE ♪
♪ AS WE TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT ♪

♪ AS WE TUMBLE ♪
♪ AS WE TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT ♪
♪ TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT ♪

♪ AS WE TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT ♪
♪ TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT ♪
♪ TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT ♪

♪ TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT ♪
♪ TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT ♪
♪ TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT ♪

♪ TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT ♪
♪ TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT ♪
♪ WIPE THE SANDMAN'S DUST

♪ TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT ♪
♪ WIPE THE SANDMAN'S DUST
FROM YOUR SLEEPY EYES ♪

♪ WIPE THE SANDMAN'S DUST
FROM YOUR SLEEPY EYES ♪
♪ I GOT MY LOVE TO GIVE YOU ♪

FROM YOUR SLEEPY EYES ♪
♪ I GOT MY LOVE TO GIVE YOU ♪
♪ NOW DON'T BE SO SURPRISED ♪

♪ I GOT MY LOVE TO GIVE YOU ♪
♪ NOW DON'T BE SO SURPRISED ♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪

♪ NOW DON'T BE SO SURPRISED ♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ ALL THE MEN YOU HAVE

♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ ALL THE MEN YOU HAVE
SLEPT WITH IN YOUR LIFE ♪

♪ ALL THE MEN YOU HAVE
SLEPT WITH IN YOUR LIFE ♪
♪ I AM ONE OF THEM

SLEPT WITH IN YOUR LIFE ♪
♪ I AM ONE OF THEM
AS WE TUMBLE ♪

♪ I AM ONE OF THEM
AS WE TUMBLE ♪
♪ AS WE TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT ♪

AS WE TUMBLE ♪
♪ AS WE TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT ♪
♪ TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT ♪

♪ AS WE TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT ♪
♪ TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT ♪
♪ (BABY) ♪

♪ TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT ♪
♪ (BABY) ♪
♪ TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT ♪

♪ (BABY) ♪
♪ TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT ♪
♪ TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT ♪

♪ TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT ♪
♪ TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT ♪
[♪...]

♪ OOH, BABY, IN DREAMS WE FLY ♪
♪ OVER ROOFTOPS AND
THE PRETTY LIGHTS ♪

♪ OVER ROOFTOPS AND
THE PRETTY LIGHTS ♪
♪ THE CAT IS OUT

THE PRETTY LIGHTS ♪
♪ THE CAT IS OUT
OF THE BAG TONIGHT ♪

♪ THE CAT IS OUT
OF THE BAG TONIGHT ♪
♪ IN THE DARKNESS ♪

OF THE BAG TONIGHT ♪
♪ IN THE DARKNESS ♪
♪ ON A MATTRESS ♪

♪ IN THE DARKNESS ♪
♪ ON A MATTRESS ♪
♪ IN OUR MADNESS AS WE

♪ ON A MATTRESS ♪
♪ IN OUR MADNESS AS WE
TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT ♪

♪ IN OUR MADNESS AS WE
TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT ♪
♪ OH, OH ♪

TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT ♪
♪ OH, OH ♪
♪ TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT ♪

♪ OH, OH ♪
♪ TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT ♪
♪ (BABY) ♪

♪ TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT ♪
♪ (BABY) ♪
♪ TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT ♪

♪ (BABY) ♪
♪ TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT ♪
♪ A DOUBLE TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT ♪

♪ TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT ♪
♪ A DOUBLE TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT ♪
♪ OOH, TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT ♪

♪ A DOUBLE TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT ♪
♪ OOH, TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT ♪
♪ (BABY) ♪

♪ OOH, TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT ♪
♪ (BABY) ♪
♪ TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT ♪

♪ (BABY) ♪
♪ TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT ♪
♪ (NIGHTY NIGHT) ♪

♪ TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT ♪
♪ (NIGHTY NIGHT) ♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪

♪ (NIGHTY NIGHT) ♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ (TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT) ♪

♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ (TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT) ♪
♪ TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT ♪

♪ (TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT) ♪
♪ TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT ♪
♪ TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT ♪

♪ TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT ♪
♪ TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT ♪
♪ (TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT) ♪

♪ TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT ♪
♪ (TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT) ♪
♪ (BABY) ♪

♪ (TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT) ♪
♪ (BABY) ♪
♪ TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT ♪

♪ (BABY) ♪
♪ TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT ♪
♪ (NIGHTY NIGHT) ♪

♪ TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT ♪
♪ (NIGHTY NIGHT) ♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪

♪ (NIGHTY NIGHT) ♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT ♪

♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ TUMBLE IN THE NIGHT ♪
[APPLAUSE]

Announcer: FERNANDO LAMAS,
BARRY WHITE, ALEX HALEY,
DAVID LETTERMAN, AND

BARRY WHITE, ALEX HALEY,
DAVID LETTERMAN, AND
ALTOVISE DAVIS JR. JOIN THE FUN

WHEN GARY COLEMAN GUEST HOSTS
THE TONIGHT SHOW LATER TONIGHT!

THE TONIGHT SHOW LATER TONIGHT!
[APPLAUSE]

Announcer: AND NOW, WEEKEND
UPDATE WITH THE WEEKEND UPDATE
NEWS TEAM.

UPDATE WITH THE WEEKEND UPDATE
NEWS TEAM.
HERE ARE ANCHOR PERSONS,

NEWS TEAM.
HERE ARE ANCHOR PERSONS,
BILL MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN.

HERE ARE ANCHOR PERSONS,
BILL MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN.
GOOD EVENING, I'M JANE CURTIN.

BILL MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN.
GOOD EVENING, I'M JANE CURTIN.
HERE NOW THE NEWS...

GOOD EVENING, I'M JANE CURTIN.
HERE NOW THE NEWS...
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT:

HERE NOW THE NEWS...
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT:
CAMPAIGNING IN CALIFORNIA,

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT:
CAMPAIGNING IN CALIFORNIA,
TEDDY KENNEDY REMARKED ABOUT

CAMPAIGNING IN CALIFORNIA,
TEDDY KENNEDY REMARKED ABOUT
SENATOR S.I. HAYAKAWA'S HABIT

TEDDY KENNEDY REMARKED ABOUT
SENATOR S.I. HAYAKAWA'S HABIT
OF DOZING OFF ON THE SENATE

SENATOR S.I. HAYAKAWA'S HABIT
OF DOZING OFF ON THE SENATE
FLOOR.

OF DOZING OFF ON THE SENATE
FLOOR.
HAYAKAWA RESPONDED SAYING,

FLOOR.
HAYAKAWA RESPONDED SAYING,
QUOTE, "WE JAPANESE HAVE BEEN

HAYAKAWA RESPONDED SAYING,
QUOTE, "WE JAPANESE HAVE BEEN
SLEEPING ON THE FLOOR FOR

QUOTE, "WE JAPANESE HAVE BEEN
SLEEPING ON THE FLOOR FOR
THOUSANDS OF YEARS.

SLEEPING ON THE FLOOR FOR
THOUSANDS OF YEARS.
SENATOR KENNEDY SHOULD TRY IT.

THOUSANDS OF YEARS.
SENATOR KENNEDY SHOULD TRY IT.
I UNDERSTAND HE DOES SOME

SENATOR KENNEDY SHOULD TRY IT.
I UNDERSTAND HE DOES SOME
OF HIS BEST WORK IN BED."

I UNDERSTAND HE DOES SOME
OF HIS BEST WORK IN BED."
END QUOTE.

OF HIS BEST WORK IN BED."
END QUOTE.
JOAN KENNEDY, WHEN ASKED TO

END QUOTE.
JOAN KENNEDY, WHEN ASKED TO
VERIFY SAID, QUOTE,

JOAN KENNEDY, WHEN ASKED TO
VERIFY SAID, QUOTE,
"I WOULDN'T KNOW."

VERIFY SAID, QUOTE,
"I WOULDN'T KNOW."
[LAUGHTER]

"I WOULDN'T KNOW."
[LAUGHTER]
EARLY THIS WEEK, POPE JOHN PAUL

[LAUGHTER]
EARLY THIS WEEK, POPE JOHN PAUL
II FORMALLY CENSURED

EARLY THIS WEEK, POPE JOHN PAUL
II FORMALLY CENSURED
THEOLOGIAN, HANS KUNG.

II FORMALLY CENSURED
THEOLOGIAN, HANS KUNG.
THE ACTION WAS TAKEN BECAUSE

THEOLOGIAN, HANS KUNG.
THE ACTION WAS TAKEN BECAUSE
KUNG HAD QUESTIONED CERTAIN

THE ACTION WAS TAKEN BECAUSE
KUNG HAD QUESTIONED CERTAIN
CHRISTIAN DOCTRINE,

KUNG HAD QUESTIONED CERTAIN
CHRISTIAN DOCTRINE,
NOTABLY, THE INFALLIBILITY

CHRISTIAN DOCTRINE,
NOTABLY, THE INFALLIBILITY
OF THE POPE.

NOTABLY, THE INFALLIBILITY
OF THE POPE.
YET THIS MORNING IN A STARTLING

OF THE POPE.
YET THIS MORNING IN A STARTLING
REVERSAL, HIS HOLINESS REVOKED

YET THIS MORNING IN A STARTLING
REVERSAL, HIS HOLINESS REVOKED
THE CENSURE SAYING, "I GUESS

REVERSAL, HIS HOLINESS REVOKED
THE CENSURE SAYING, "I GUESS
I MADE A DUMB MISTAKE.

THE CENSURE SAYING, "I GUESS
I MADE A DUMB MISTAKE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I COULD'VE

I MADE A DUMB MISTAKE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I COULD'VE
BEEN THINKING OF."

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I COULD'VE
BEEN THINKING OF."
STILL CLIMBING, GOLD YESTERDAY

BEEN THINKING OF."
STILL CLIMBING, GOLD YESTERDAY
REACHED $486 AN OUNCE.

STILL CLIMBING, GOLD YESTERDAY
REACHED $486 AN OUNCE.
TODAY COMES THE NEWS THAT

REACHED $486 AN OUNCE.
TODAY COMES THE NEWS THAT
STARTING JANUARY 1st, 1980,

TODAY COMES THE NEWS THAT
STARTING JANUARY 1st, 1980,
ANY PERSON WHO'S NAME INCLUDES

STARTING JANUARY 1st, 1980,
ANY PERSON WHO'S NAME INCLUDES
THE WORD GOLD WILL BE WORTH

ANY PERSON WHO'S NAME INCLUDES
THE WORD GOLD WILL BE WORTH
HIS OR HER WEIGHT IN GOLD,

THE WORD GOLD WILL BE WORTH
HIS OR HER WEIGHT IN GOLD,
WHICH IS NEARLY $8,000 A POUND.

HIS OR HER WEIGHT IN GOLD,
WHICH IS NEARLY $8,000 A POUND.
FOR EXAMPLE, GOLDIE HAWN

WHICH IS NEARLY $8,000 A POUND.
FOR EXAMPLE, GOLDIE HAWN
AT 110 POUNDS WOULD BE WORTH

FOR EXAMPLE, GOLDIE HAWN
AT 110 POUNDS WOULD BE WORTH
AROUND $880,000.

AT 110 POUNDS WOULD BE WORTH
AROUND $880,000.
AND ABC CHAIRMAN, LEONARD

AROUND $880,000.
AND ABC CHAIRMAN, LEONARD
GOLDENSON AT 175 POUNDS

AND ABC CHAIRMAN, LEONARD
GOLDENSON AT 175 POUNDS
WOULD GO FOR 1.2 MILLION.

GOLDENSON AT 175 POUNDS
WOULD GO FOR 1.2 MILLION.
NBC'S FRED SILVERMAN COULD NOT

WOULD GO FOR 1.2 MILLION.
NBC'S FRED SILVERMAN COULD NOT
BE REACHED FOR COMMENT.

NBC'S FRED SILVERMAN COULD NOT
BE REACHED FOR COMMENT.
BILL?

BE REACHED FOR COMMENT.
BILL?
THE NATIONAL SAFETY COUNCIL

BILL?
THE NATIONAL SAFETY COUNCIL
HAS ANNOUNCED THAT ABOUT 400

THE NATIONAL SAFETY COUNCIL
HAS ANNOUNCED THAT ABOUT 400
PEOPLE WILL BE KILLED ON THE

HAS ANNOUNCED THAT ABOUT 400
PEOPLE WILL BE KILLED ON THE
HIGHWAYS DURING THIS FOUR DAY

PEOPLE WILL BE KILLED ON THE
HIGHWAYS DURING THIS FOUR DAY
CHRISTMAS HOLIDAY PERIOD.

HIGHWAYS DURING THIS FOUR DAY
CHRISTMAS HOLIDAY PERIOD.
THAT AMOUNTS TO FOUR DEATHS

CHRISTMAS HOLIDAY PERIOD.
THAT AMOUNTS TO FOUR DEATHS
EVERY 10 MINUTES.

THAT AMOUNTS TO FOUR DEATHS
EVERY 10 MINUTES.
SO BEFORE WE END OUR WEEKEND

EVERY 10 MINUTES.
SO BEFORE WE END OUR WEEKEND
UPDATE NEWS CAST, WE'D LIKE TO

SO BEFORE WE END OUR WEEKEND
UPDATE NEWS CAST, WE'D LIKE TO
SAY GOODBYE TO ROY KLEIN,

UPDATE NEWS CAST, WE'D LIKE TO
SAY GOODBYE TO ROY KLEIN,
LAURIE ZAKS, AND THE

SAY GOODBYE TO ROY KLEIN,
LAURIE ZAKS, AND THE
SCHINDLER TWINS.

LAURIE ZAKS, AND THE
SCHINDLER TWINS.
AND FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO PLAN ON

SCHINDLER TWINS.
AND FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO PLAN ON
VISITING THE SHAH FOR THE

AND FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO PLAN ON
VISITING THE SHAH FOR THE
HOLIDAYS, GOOD NEWS.

VISITING THE SHAH FOR THE
HOLIDAYS, GOOD NEWS.
ALTERNATE SIDE OF THE CAR

HOLIDAYS, GOOD NEWS.
ALTERNATE SIDE OF THE CAR
PARKING HAS BEEN SUSPENDED

ALTERNATE SIDE OF THE CAR
PARKING HAS BEEN SUSPENDED
IN PANAMA CITY.

PARKING HAS BEEN SUSPENDED
IN PANAMA CITY.
T.V. STAR SUZANNE SOMERS DENIES

IN PANAMA CITY.
T.V. STAR SUZANNE SOMERS DENIES
IT BUT PLAYBOY MAGAZINE IS

T.V. STAR SUZANNE SOMERS DENIES
IT BUT PLAYBOY MAGAZINE IS
PUBLISHING NUDE PHOTOS OF THE

IT BUT PLAYBOY MAGAZINE IS
PUBLISHING NUDE PHOTOS OF THE
THREE'S COMPANY BLONDSKY.

PUBLISHING NUDE PHOTOS OF THE
THREE'S COMPANY BLONDSKY.
CELEBRITY NUDITY HAS BECOME A

THREE'S COMPANY BLONDSKY.
CELEBRITY NUDITY HAS BECOME A
TREND AND PLAYBOY REPORTEDLY

CELEBRITY NUDITY HAS BECOME A
TREND AND PLAYBOY REPORTEDLY
IS PLANNING TO PRINT NUDES

TREND AND PLAYBOY REPORTEDLY
IS PLANNING TO PRINT NUDES
OF OTHER T.V. STARS INCLUDING

IS PLANNING TO PRINT NUDES
OF OTHER T.V. STARS INCLUDING
JULIA CHILD, JESSICA SAVAGE,

OF OTHER T.V. STARS INCLUDING
JULIA CHILD, JESSICA SAVAGE,
AND JEAN STAPLETON.

JULIA CHILD, JESSICA SAVAGE,
AND JEAN STAPLETON.
IT'S NO SECRET THAT OUR OWN

AND JEAN STAPLETON.
IT'S NO SECRET THAT OUR OWN
JANE CURTIN LOVES TO SKINNY SNAP

IT'S NO SECRET THAT OUR OWN
JANE CURTIN LOVES TO SKINNY SNAP
AND I HAVE THE POLAROIDS

JANE CURTIN LOVES TO SKINNY SNAP
AND I HAVE THE POLAROIDS
RIGHT HERE TO PROVE IT.

AND I HAVE THE POLAROIDS
RIGHT HERE TO PROVE IT.
[GIGGLING] BILL!

RIGHT HERE TO PROVE IT.
[GIGGLING] BILL!
JUST KIDDING, HONEY.

[GIGGLING] BILL!
JUST KIDDING, HONEY.
IT'S A SURPRISE, THESE ARE

JUST KIDDING, HONEY.
IT'S A SURPRISE, THESE ARE
YOUR CHRISTMAS PRESENT.

IT'S A SURPRISE, THESE ARE
YOUR CHRISTMAS PRESENT.
I DO WANNA KEEP THIS ONE.

YOUR CHRISTMAS PRESENT.
I DO WANNA KEEP THIS ONE.
THANK YOU, THE HAIR DRYER

I DO WANNA KEEP THIS ONE.
THANK YOU, THE HAIR DRYER
AND THE SKI MASK, VERY FUNNY.

THANK YOU, THE HAIR DRYER
AND THE SKI MASK, VERY FUNNY.
THANK YOU, BILL.

AND THE SKI MASK, VERY FUNNY.
THANK YOU, BILL.
HERE'S A WEEKEND UPDATE WARNING

THANK YOU, BILL.
HERE'S A WEEKEND UPDATE WARNING
FROM OUR PUBLIC WATCH DOG

HERE'S A WEEKEND UPDATE WARNING
FROM OUR PUBLIC WATCH DOG
DEPARTMENT.

FROM OUR PUBLIC WATCH DOG
DEPARTMENT.
A RASH OF COUNTERFEIT FIVE

DEPARTMENT.
A RASH OF COUNTERFEIT FIVE
DOLLAR BILLS HAS BEEN

A RASH OF COUNTERFEIT FIVE
DOLLAR BILLS HAS BEEN
CIRCULATING THROUGHOUT THE

DOLLAR BILLS HAS BEEN
CIRCULATING THROUGHOUT THE
SOUTHWEST.

CIRCULATING THROUGHOUT THE
SOUTHWEST.
FOR YOUR OWN PROTECTION,

SOUTHWEST.
FOR YOUR OWN PROTECTION,
YOU SHOULD MAKE NOTE

FOR YOUR OWN PROTECTION,
YOU SHOULD MAKE NOTE
OF THE FOLLOWING IN ORDER TO

YOU SHOULD MAKE NOTE
OF THE FOLLOWING IN ORDER TO
IDENTIFY THESE CLEVER FAKES.

OF THE FOLLOWING IN ORDER TO
IDENTIFY THESE CLEVER FAKES.
FIRST, LINCOLN IS ON THE FIVE,

IDENTIFY THESE CLEVER FAKES.
FIRST, LINCOLN IS ON THE FIVE,
NOT SID FLAYMAN.

FIRST, LINCOLN IS ON THE FIVE,
NOT SID FLAYMAN.
ALSO, THE WORD DOLLARS

NOT SID FLAYMAN.
ALSO, THE WORD DOLLARS
IS MISSPELLED AND ON THE BACK

ALSO, THE WORD DOLLARS
IS MISSPELLED AND ON THE BACK
SHOULD BE A PICTURE OF THE

IS MISSPELLED AND ON THE BACK
SHOULD BE A PICTURE OF THE
LINCOLN MEMORIAL INSTEAD OF

SHOULD BE A PICTURE OF THE
LINCOLN MEMORIAL INSTEAD OF
THE KELLOGG'S VARIETY PAK.

LINCOLN MEMORIAL INSTEAD OF
THE KELLOGG'S VARIETY PAK.
[LAUGHTER]

THE KELLOGG'S VARIETY PAK.
[LAUGHTER]
AND MORE ON THE CAMPAIGN...

[LAUGHTER]
AND MORE ON THE CAMPAIGN...
RONALD REAGAN CRISSCROSSED

AND MORE ON THE CAMPAIGN...
RONALD REAGAN CRISSCROSSED
NEW HAMPSHIRE... JOHN CONNALLY

RONALD REAGAN CRISSCROSSED
NEW HAMPSHIRE... JOHN CONNALLY
COURTED REPUBLICAN SUPPORT IN

NEW HAMPSHIRE... JOHN CONNALLY
COURTED REPUBLICAN SUPPORT IN
FLORIDA AND SENATOR HOWARD BAKER

COURTED REPUBLICAN SUPPORT IN
FLORIDA AND SENATOR HOWARD BAKER
WAS ON THE STUMP IN IOWA.

FLORIDA AND SENATOR HOWARD BAKER
WAS ON THE STUMP IN IOWA.
ANYONE WHO HAS SEEN CONGRESSMAN

WAS ON THE STUMP IN IOWA.
ANYONE WHO HAS SEEN CONGRESSMAN
JOHN B. ANDERSON, REPUBLICAN OF

ANYONE WHO HAS SEEN CONGRESSMAN
JOHN B. ANDERSON, REPUBLICAN OF
ILLINOIS, PLEASE CALL:

JOHN B. ANDERSON, REPUBLICAN OF
ILLINOIS, PLEASE CALL:
800-555-1221.

ILLINOIS, PLEASE CALL:
800-555-1221.
REPRESENTATIVE ANDERSON IS A

800-555-1221.
REPRESENTATIVE ANDERSON IS A
CAUCASIAN MALE, ABOUT 50 YEARS

REPRESENTATIVE ANDERSON IS A
CAUCASIAN MALE, ABOUT 50 YEARS
OF AGE, 5'10", 160 POUNDS.

CAUCASIAN MALE, ABOUT 50 YEARS
OF AGE, 5'10", 160 POUNDS.
ONCE AGAIN, THAT NUMBER IS:

OF AGE, 5'10", 160 POUNDS.
ONCE AGAIN, THAT NUMBER IS:
800-555-1221.

ONCE AGAIN, THAT NUMBER IS:
800-555-1221.
HE'S RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT.

800-555-1221.
HE'S RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT.
BILL?

HE'S RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT.
BILL?
THE FEDERAL AVIATION

BILL?
THE FEDERAL AVIATION
ADMINISTRATION ANNOUNCED TODAY

THE FEDERAL AVIATION
ADMINISTRATION ANNOUNCED TODAY
THAT BLAME FOR THE DC-10 JUMBO

ADMINISTRATION ANNOUNCED TODAY
THAT BLAME FOR THE DC-10 JUMBO
JET CRASH IN CHICAGO LAST MAY

THAT BLAME FOR THE DC-10 JUMBO
JET CRASH IN CHICAGO LAST MAY
SHOULD NOT BE PLACED ON THE

JET CRASH IN CHICAGO LAST MAY
SHOULD NOT BE PLACED ON THE
McDONNEL-DOUGLAS CORPORATION

SHOULD NOT BE PLACED ON THE
McDONNEL-DOUGLAS CORPORATION
OR AMERICAN AIRLINES.

McDONNEL-DOUGLAS CORPORATION
OR AMERICAN AIRLINES.
AN F.A.A. SPOKESMAN WAS QUOTED

OR AMERICAN AIRLINES.
AN F.A.A. SPOKESMAN WAS QUOTED
SAYING THE ULTIMATE BLAME FOR

AN F.A.A. SPOKESMAN WAS QUOTED
SAYING THE ULTIMATE BLAME FOR
THIS TRAGEDY MUST BE PLACED ON

SAYING THE ULTIMATE BLAME FOR
THIS TRAGEDY MUST BE PLACED ON
THE PASSENGERS THEMSELVES

THIS TRAGEDY MUST BE PLACED ON
THE PASSENGERS THEMSELVES
BECAUSE IF THEY HADN'T TAKEN THE

THE PASSENGERS THEMSELVES
BECAUSE IF THEY HADN'T TAKEN THE
FLIGHT IN THE FIRST PLACE,

BECAUSE IF THEY HADN'T TAKEN THE
FLIGHT IN THE FIRST PLACE,
THEY WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN KILLED.

FLIGHT IN THE FIRST PLACE,
THEY WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN KILLED.
[APPLAUSE]

THEY WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN KILLED.
[APPLAUSE]
AFTER WEEKS OF EXAMINING ENTRIES

[APPLAUSE]
AFTER WEEKS OF EXAMINING ENTRIES
FOR UPDATE'S "QUOTE OF THE YEAR"

AFTER WEEKS OF EXAMINING ENTRIES
FOR UPDATE'S "QUOTE OF THE YEAR"
AWARD, NONE CAME CLOSE TO

FOR UPDATE'S "QUOTE OF THE YEAR"
AWARD, NONE CAME CLOSE TO
EQUALING LAST YEAR'S WINNING

AWARD, NONE CAME CLOSE TO
EQUALING LAST YEAR'S WINNING
QUOTE FROM SINGER TONY ORLANDO.

EQUALING LAST YEAR'S WINNING
QUOTE FROM SINGER TONY ORLANDO.
SO WE HAVE DECIDED TO BEND THE

QUOTE FROM SINGER TONY ORLANDO.
SO WE HAVE DECIDED TO BEND THE
RULES A LITTLE AND GIVE THE

SO WE HAVE DECIDED TO BEND THE
RULES A LITTLE AND GIVE THE
AWARD TO MR. ORLANDO AGAIN.

RULES A LITTLE AND GIVE THE
AWARD TO MR. ORLANDO AGAIN.
IT WAS ON BOB HOPE'S 75th

AWARD TO MR. ORLANDO AGAIN.
IT WAS ON BOB HOPE'S 75th
BIRTHDAY SPECIAL THAT TONY SAID,

IT WAS ON BOB HOPE'S 75th
BIRTHDAY SPECIAL THAT TONY SAID,
AND I QUOTE, "IF YOU COULD PUT

BIRTHDAY SPECIAL THAT TONY SAID,
AND I QUOTE, "IF YOU COULD PUT
ALL THE LAUGHS THAT BOB HOPE HAS

AND I QUOTE, "IF YOU COULD PUT
ALL THE LAUGHS THAT BOB HOPE HAS
GOTTEN, ONE AFTER THE OTHER,

ALL THE LAUGHS THAT BOB HOPE HAS
GOTTEN, ONE AFTER THE OTHER,
THEY WOULD STRETCH ALL THE WAY

GOTTEN, ONE AFTER THE OTHER,
THEY WOULD STRETCH ALL THE WAY
TO THE UNIVERSE AND FILL UP THE

THEY WOULD STRETCH ALL THE WAY
TO THE UNIVERSE AND FILL UP THE
BLACK HOLE IN SPACE."

TO THE UNIVERSE AND FILL UP THE
BLACK HOLE IN SPACE."
END QUOTE.

BLACK HOLE IN SPACE."
END QUOTE.
JANE?

END QUOTE.
JANE?
SO TRUE.

JANE?
SO TRUE.
ACCORDING TO THE U.S. POST

SO TRUE.
ACCORDING TO THE U.S. POST
OFFICE, THE AVERAGE AMERICAN

ACCORDING TO THE U.S. POST
OFFICE, THE AVERAGE AMERICAN
CONSUMER RECEIVES OVER 100

OFFICE, THE AVERAGE AMERICAN
CONSUMER RECEIVES OVER 100
REQUESTS IN THE MAIL FOR

CONSUMER RECEIVES OVER 100
REQUESTS IN THE MAIL FOR
DONATIONS DURING THE

REQUESTS IN THE MAIL FOR
DONATIONS DURING THE
HOLIDAY SEASON.

DONATIONS DURING THE
HOLIDAY SEASON.
THIS CAN OBVIOUSLY BE AN

HOLIDAY SEASON.
THIS CAN OBVIOUSLY BE AN
EXPENSIVE PROPOSITION.

THIS CAN OBVIOUSLY BE AN
EXPENSIVE PROPOSITION.
HERE TO HELP TELL YOU HOW

EXPENSIVE PROPOSITION.
HERE TO HELP TELL YOU HOW
TO CHOOSE WHICH CHARITIES

HERE TO HELP TELL YOU HOW
TO CHOOSE WHICH CHARITIES
YOU SHOULD CONTRIBUTE TO IS

TO CHOOSE WHICH CHARITIES
YOU SHOULD CONTRIBUTE TO IS
WEEKEND UPDATE CONSUMER ADVOCATE

YOU SHOULD CONTRIBUTE TO IS
WEEKEND UPDATE CONSUMER ADVOCATE
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA.

WEEKEND UPDATE CONSUMER ADVOCATE
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANKS A LOT, JANE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANKS A LOT, JANE.
THANKS A LOT.

THANKS A LOT, JANE.
THANKS A LOT.
A MR. RICHARD FEDER FROM

THANKS A LOT.
A MR. RICHARD FEDER FROM
FORT LEE, NEW JERSEY

A MR. RICHARD FEDER FROM
FORT LEE, NEW JERSEY
WRITES IN AND SAYS,

FORT LEE, NEW JERSEY
WRITES IN AND SAYS,
DEAR ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA,

WRITES IN AND SAYS,
DEAR ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA,
"EVERYONE WANTS MY MONEY

DEAR ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA,
"EVERYONE WANTS MY MONEY
AND THEY'RE DRIVING ME NUTS!

"EVERYONE WANTS MY MONEY
AND THEY'RE DRIVING ME NUTS!
SO FAR I'VE HEARD FROM THE

AND THEY'RE DRIVING ME NUTS!
SO FAR I'VE HEARD FROM THE
UNITED FUND, THE UNITED WAY,

SO FAR I'VE HEARD FROM THE
UNITED FUND, THE UNITED WAY,
THE UNITED NATIONS, THE UNITED

UNITED FUND, THE UNITED WAY,
THE UNITED NATIONS, THE UNITED
JEWISH APPEAL, THE UNITED

THE UNITED NATIONS, THE UNITED
JEWISH APPEAL, THE UNITED
ARTISTS, THE UNITED AIRLINES,

JEWISH APPEAL, THE UNITED
ARTISTS, THE UNITED AIRLINES,
AND SAVE THE SQUIRRELS.

ARTISTS, THE UNITED AIRLINES,
AND SAVE THE SQUIRRELS.
WHAT SHOULD I DO?"

AND SAVE THE SQUIRRELS.
WHAT SHOULD I DO?"
MR. FEDER, I THINK YOU SHOULD

WHAT SHOULD I DO?"
MR. FEDER, I THINK YOU SHOULD
GIVE A LOT OF MONEY TO EVERYONE

MR. FEDER, I THINK YOU SHOULD
GIVE A LOT OF MONEY TO EVERYONE
SO THEN YOU'D BE BROKE, SO THEN

GIVE A LOT OF MONEY TO EVERYONE
SO THEN YOU'D BE BROKE, SO THEN
YOU'D STARVE, SO THEN YOU DROP

SO THEN YOU'D BE BROKE, SO THEN
YOU'D STARVE, SO THEN YOU DROP
DEAD, AND YOU COULDN'T BOTHER ME

YOU'D STARVE, SO THEN YOU DROP
DEAD, AND YOU COULDN'T BOTHER ME
WITH YOUR DUMB LETTERS NO MORE!

DEAD, AND YOU COULDN'T BOTHER ME
WITH YOUR DUMB LETTERS NO MORE!
[LAUGHTER]

WITH YOUR DUMB LETTERS NO MORE!
[LAUGHTER]
BUT I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE

[LAUGHTER]
BUT I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE
GOING THROUGH 'CAUSE EVEN I,

BUT I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE
GOING THROUGH 'CAUSE EVEN I,
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA,

GOING THROUGH 'CAUSE EVEN I,
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA,
AM ALWAYS BEING ASKED FOR MONEY

ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA,
AM ALWAYS BEING ASKED FOR MONEY
RIGHT HERE WHERE I WORK

AM ALWAYS BEING ASKED FOR MONEY
RIGHT HERE WHERE I WORK
AT BEAUTIFUL ROCKEFELLER CENTER.

RIGHT HERE WHERE I WORK
AT BEAUTIFUL ROCKEFELLER CENTER.
I REMEMBER LAST CHRISTMAS TIME

AT BEAUTIFUL ROCKEFELLER CENTER.
I REMEMBER LAST CHRISTMAS TIME
I WAS SITTING IN THE RESTAURANT

I REMEMBER LAST CHRISTMAS TIME
I WAS SITTING IN THE RESTAURANT
RIGHT NEAR, UH, IT'S NEXT TO THE

I WAS SITTING IN THE RESTAURANT
RIGHT NEAR, UH, IT'S NEXT TO THE
ROCKEFELLER CENTER SKATING RINK,

RIGHT NEAR, UH, IT'S NEXT TO THE
ROCKEFELLER CENTER SKATING RINK,
EATING A SPINACH, BACON,

ROCKEFELLER CENTER SKATING RINK,
EATING A SPINACH, BACON,
AND MUSHROOMS SALAD THAT WAS

EATING A SPINACH, BACON,
AND MUSHROOMS SALAD THAT WAS
REAL GOOD, AND I COULD SEE THE

AND MUSHROOMS SALAD THAT WAS
REAL GOOD, AND I COULD SEE THE
CHRISTMAS TREE AND EVERYONE

REAL GOOD, AND I COULD SEE THE
CHRISTMAS TREE AND EVERYONE
SKATING AROUND, WHEN ALL OF A

CHRISTMAS TREE AND EVERYONE
SKATING AROUND, WHEN ALL OF A
SUDDEN, THIS BIG, BLACK

SKATING AROUND, WHEN ALL OF A
SUDDEN, THIS BIG, BLACK
FRENCH POODLE SKATES BY.

SUDDEN, THIS BIG, BLACK
FRENCH POODLE SKATES BY.
A BIG POODLE WEARING A SKIRT.

FRENCH POODLE SKATES BY.
A BIG POODLE WEARING A SKIRT.
I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

A BIG POODLE WEARING A SKIRT.
I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.
THIS DOG IS SKATING AROUND

I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.
THIS DOG IS SKATING AROUND
AND AROUND DOING FANCY SMANCY

THIS DOG IS SKATING AROUND
AND AROUND DOING FANCY SMANCY
DIPS AND FIGURE EIGHTS, BUT WHEN

AND AROUND DOING FANCY SMANCY
DIPS AND FIGURE EIGHTS, BUT WHEN
I LOOK REAL CLOSE I SAID TO

DIPS AND FIGURE EIGHTS, BUT WHEN
I LOOK REAL CLOSE I SAID TO
MYSELF, ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA,

I LOOK REAL CLOSE I SAID TO
MYSELF, ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA,
THAT HAIRY THING AIN'T NO DOG!

MYSELF, ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA,
THAT HAIRY THING AIN'T NO DOG!
THAT'S GENE SHALIT!

THAT HAIRY THING AIN'T NO DOG!
THAT'S GENE SHALIT!
[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S GENE SHALIT!
[LAUGHTER]
THAT POODLE DOG WORKS

[LAUGHTER]
THAT POODLE DOG WORKS
WITH ME HERE AT NBC!

THAT POODLE DOG WORKS
WITH ME HERE AT NBC!
AND HE'S SKATING AROUND,

WITH ME HERE AT NBC!
AND HE'S SKATING AROUND,
PROUD AS A SHAGGY PEACOCK.

AND HE'S SKATING AROUND,
PROUD AS A SHAGGY PEACOCK.
AND HE MUST'VE BEEN REAL COLD

PROUD AS A SHAGGY PEACOCK.
AND HE MUST'VE BEEN REAL COLD
'CAUSE ALL THAT BUSHY HAIR

AND HE MUST'VE BEEN REAL COLD
'CAUSE ALL THAT BUSHY HAIR
ON HIS HEAD AND HIS CUTE

'CAUSE ALL THAT BUSHY HAIR
ON HIS HEAD AND HIS CUTE
WAVY MUSTACHE WAS FROZEN STIFF

ON HIS HEAD AND HIS CUTE
WAVY MUSTACHE WAS FROZEN STIFF
AND HARD FROM ALL THE SNOW

WAVY MUSTACHE WAS FROZEN STIFF
AND HARD FROM ALL THE SNOW
AND MOISTURE OUTSIDE.

AND HARD FROM ALL THE SNOW
AND MOISTURE OUTSIDE.
BETWEEN YOU AND ME,

AND MOISTURE OUTSIDE.
BETWEEN YOU AND ME,
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA,

BETWEEN YOU AND ME,
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA,
SHALIT'S FACE LOOKED LIKE

ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA,
SHALIT'S FACE LOOKED LIKE
A BIG BLACK TOILET BRUSH!

SHALIT'S FACE LOOKED LIKE
A BIG BLACK TOILET BRUSH!
[LAUGHTER]

A BIG BLACK TOILET BRUSH!
[LAUGHTER]
WELL, HE DECIDES TO COME INSIDE

[LAUGHTER]
WELL, HE DECIDES TO COME INSIDE
THE NICE WARM RESTAURANT AND

WELL, HE DECIDES TO COME INSIDE
THE NICE WARM RESTAURANT AND
WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT,

THE NICE WARM RESTAURANT AND
WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT,
HE SITS DOWN AT MY TABLE.

WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT,
HE SITS DOWN AT MY TABLE.
AND WE START GOSSIPING ABOUT WHO

HE SITS DOWN AT MY TABLE.
AND WE START GOSSIPING ABOUT WHO
WAS PUTTING IT TO WHOM AT

AND WE START GOSSIPING ABOUT WHO
WAS PUTTING IT TO WHOM AT
THE NBC CHRISTMAS PARTY

WAS PUTTING IT TO WHOM AT
THE NBC CHRISTMAS PARTY
WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN,

THE NBC CHRISTMAS PARTY
WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN,
EVERYTHING ON SHALIT'S FACE

WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN,
EVERYTHING ON SHALIT'S FACE
STARTS TO MELT.

EVERYTHING ON SHALIT'S FACE
STARTS TO MELT.
LIKE SOME TINY ICICLES THAT WERE

STARTS TO MELT.
LIKE SOME TINY ICICLES THAT WERE
HANGING OFF HIS MUSTACHE

LIKE SOME TINY ICICLES THAT WERE
HANGING OFF HIS MUSTACHE
WERE FALLING IN MY WATER GLASS.

HANGING OFF HIS MUSTACHE
WERE FALLING IN MY WATER GLASS.
AND THERE WAS SOME CRUST STUFF

WERE FALLING IN MY WATER GLASS.
AND THERE WAS SOME CRUST STUFF
RIGHT HERE IN HIS NOSE MELTING

AND THERE WAS SOME CRUST STUFF
RIGHT HERE IN HIS NOSE MELTING
AND DRIPPING ON MY BREADSTICKS!

RIGHT HERE IN HIS NOSE MELTING
AND DRIPPING ON MY BREADSTICKS!
I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE!

AND DRIPPING ON MY BREADSTICKS!
I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE!
I SAYS, HEY, SHALIT, WHAT ARE

I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE!
I SAYS, HEY, SHALIT, WHAT ARE
YOU TRYING TO DO?

I SAYS, HEY, SHALIT, WHAT ARE
YOU TRYING TO DO?
MAKE ME SICK?

YOU TRYING TO DO?
MAKE ME SICK?
I FELT LIKE PUTTING A BUCKET

MAKE ME SICK?
I FELT LIKE PUTTING A BUCKET
UNDER HIS NOSE OR SOMETHING

I FELT LIKE PUTTING A BUCKET
UNDER HIS NOSE OR SOMETHING
LIKE THAT.

UNDER HIS NOSE OR SOMETHING
LIKE THAT.
HE WAS JUST GOING ON

LIKE THAT.
HE WAS JUST GOING ON
DRIPPING ON THE TABLE...

HE WAS JUST GOING ON
DRIPPING ON THE TABLE...
ROSEANNE?

DRIPPING ON THE TABLE...
ROSEANNE?
YES, MISS JANE?

ROSEANNE?
YES, MISS JANE?
SEEING AS HOW THIS IS

YES, MISS JANE?
SEEING AS HOW THIS IS
CHRISTMAS, I'M GOING TO

SEEING AS HOW THIS IS
CHRISTMAS, I'M GOING TO
PUT IT TO YOU NICELY.

CHRISTMAS, I'M GOING TO
PUT IT TO YOU NICELY.
WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO

PUT IT TO YOU NICELY.
WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO
WITH WHAT YOU WERE TALKING

WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO
WITH WHAT YOU WERE TALKING
ABOUT PREVIOUSLY?

WITH WHAT YOU WERE TALKING
ABOUT PREVIOUSLY?
WELL, JANE,

ABOUT PREVIOUSLY?
WELL, JANE,
IT JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU...

WELL, JANE,
IT JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU...
IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING.

IT JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU...
IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING.
IF IT'S NOT ONE THING,

IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING.
IF IT'S NOT ONE THING,
IT'S ANOTHER.

IF IT'S NOT ONE THING,
IT'S ANOTHER.
EITHER PEOPLE ASK YOU FOR

IT'S ANOTHER.
EITHER PEOPLE ASK YOU FOR
DONATIONS OR GENE SHALIT

EITHER PEOPLE ASK YOU FOR
DONATIONS OR GENE SHALIT
DEFROSTS ALL OVER YOUR LUNCH.

DONATIONS OR GENE SHALIT
DEFROSTS ALL OVER YOUR LUNCH.
[LAUGHTER]

DEFROSTS ALL OVER YOUR LUNCH.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST LIKE THE

[LAUGHTER]
YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST LIKE THE
CHRISTMAS CAROL THAT MY FATHER

YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST LIKE THE
CHRISTMAS CAROL THAT MY FATHER
USED TO SING TO ME BEFORE

CHRISTMAS CAROL THAT MY FATHER
USED TO SING TO ME BEFORE
I WENT TO BED ON CHRISTMAS EVE.

USED TO SING TO ME BEFORE
I WENT TO BED ON CHRISTMAS EVE.
HE'D TUCK ME IN ALL SNUGGLY

I WENT TO BED ON CHRISTMAS EVE.
HE'D TUCK ME IN ALL SNUGGLY
LITTLE BUG IN A RUG, PUT POWDER

HE'D TUCK ME IN ALL SNUGGLY
LITTLE BUG IN A RUG, PUT POWDER
UNDER MY ARMS AND EVERYTHING

LITTLE BUG IN A RUG, PUT POWDER
UNDER MY ARMS AND EVERYTHING
LIKE THAT AND HE'D SING TO ME

UNDER MY ARMS AND EVERYTHING
LIKE THAT AND HE'D SING TO ME
THIS SONG THAT WAS FIRST

LIKE THAT AND HE'D SING TO ME
THIS SONG THAT WAS FIRST
RECORDED BY MY COUSIN,

THIS SONG THAT WAS FIRST
RECORDED BY MY COUSIN,
LOLA FALANA ROSEANNADANNA.

RECORDED BY MY COUSIN,
LOLA FALANA ROSEANNADANNA.
[LAUGHTER]

LOLA FALANA ROSEANNADANNA.
[LAUGHTER]
I'M GONNA SING IT FOR YOU, JANE.

[LAUGHTER]
I'M GONNA SING IT FOR YOU, JANE.
♪ IT CAME UPON A

I'M GONNA SING IT FOR YOU, JANE.
♪ IT CAME UPON A
MIDNIGHT CLEAR ♪

♪ IT CAME UPON A
MIDNIGHT CLEAR ♪
♪ THAT GLORIOUS SONG OF OLD ♪

MIDNIGHT CLEAR ♪
♪ THAT GLORIOUS SONG OF OLD ♪
♪ FROM ANGELS BENDING

♪ THAT GLORIOUS SONG OF OLD ♪
♪ FROM ANGELS BENDING
NEAR THE EARTH ♪

♪ FROM ANGELS BENDING
NEAR THE EARTH ♪
♪ TO TOUCH THEIR

NEAR THE EARTH ♪
♪ TO TOUCH THEIR
HEARTS OF GOLD ♪

♪ TO TOUCH THEIR
HEARTS OF GOLD ♪
♪ PEACE ON THE EARTH ♪

HEARTS OF GOLD ♪
♪ PEACE ON THE EARTH ♪
♪ GOOD WILL TO JANE ♪

♪ PEACE ON THE EARTH ♪
♪ GOOD WILL TO JANE ♪
♪ ROSEANNE MY CHILD SAY GRACE ♪

♪ GOOD WILL TO JANE ♪
♪ ROSEANNE MY CHILD SAY GRACE ♪
♪ IF YOU DON'T WANNA DROWN

♪ ROSEANNE MY CHILD SAY GRACE ♪
♪ IF YOU DON'T WANNA DROWN
DURING CHRISTMAS TIME ♪

♪ IF YOU DON'T WANNA DROWN
DURING CHRISTMAS TIME ♪
♪ STAY AWAY FROM

DURING CHRISTMAS TIME ♪
♪ STAY AWAY FROM
GENE SHALIT'S FACE ♪

♪ STAY AWAY FROM
GENE SHALIT'S FACE ♪
MERRY CHRISTMAS,

GENE SHALIT'S FACE ♪
MERRY CHRISTMAS,
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA!

MERRY CHRISTMAS,
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA!
THANKS A LOT, JANE!

ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA!
THANKS A LOT, JANE!
THAT'S THE NEWS.

THANKS A LOT, JANE!
THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOODNIGHT AND HAVE

THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOODNIGHT AND HAVE
A PLEASANT TOMORROW.

GOODNIGHT AND HAVE
A PLEASANT TOMORROW.
[APPLAUSE]

ALL RIGHT, SETTLE DOWN,
BOYS AND GIRLS.
WE NEED EVERYONE'S COOPERATION.

BOYS AND GIRLS.
WE NEED EVERYONE'S COOPERATION.
THE CHRISTMAS PAGEANT IS A

WE NEED EVERYONE'S COOPERATION.
THE CHRISTMAS PAGEANT IS A
TRADITION HERE AT GUSS GRISSOM

THE CHRISTMAS PAGEANT IS A
TRADITION HERE AT GUSS GRISSOM
HIGH AND WE'VE ALWAYS PUT ON

TRADITION HERE AT GUSS GRISSOM
HIGH AND WE'VE ALWAYS PUT ON
A GREAT SHOW AND WE'RE

HIGH AND WE'VE ALWAYS PUT ON
A GREAT SHOW AND WE'RE
GONNA DO IT AGAIN NOW.

A GREAT SHOW AND WE'RE
GONNA DO IT AGAIN NOW.
'COURSE WE MISSED A COUPLE OF

GONNA DO IT AGAIN NOW.
'COURSE WE MISSED A COUPLE OF
REHEARSALS DUE TO SNOW DAY

'COURSE WE MISSED A COUPLE OF
REHEARSALS DUE TO SNOW DAY
SO IT'S GONNA BE ROUGH.

REHEARSALS DUE TO SNOW DAY
SO IT'S GONNA BE ROUGH.
NOW, I KNOW YOU'RE NERVOUS,

SO IT'S GONNA BE ROUGH.
NOW, I KNOW YOU'RE NERVOUS,
BUT THAT'S WHY WE HAVE

NOW, I KNOW YOU'RE NERVOUS,
BUT THAT'S WHY WE HAVE
THE DRESS REHEARSALS, OKAY?

BUT THAT'S WHY WE HAVE
THE DRESS REHEARSALS, OKAY?
SO, LET'S TRY TO GO THROUGH IT

THE DRESS REHEARSALS, OKAY?
SO, LET'S TRY TO GO THROUGH IT
WITH AS FEW INTERRUPTIONS

SO, LET'S TRY TO GO THROUGH IT
WITH AS FEW INTERRUPTIONS
AS POSSIBLE.

WITH AS FEW INTERRUPTIONS
AS POSSIBLE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN,

AS POSSIBLE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
MR. DUNWOODIE?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
MR. DUNWOODIE?
WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

MR. DUNWOODIE?
WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
WELL, THANK YOU, SIR.

WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
WELL, THANK YOU, SIR.
DON'T BE A WISE GUY, BARRY.

WELL, THANK YOU, SIR.
DON'T BE A WISE GUY, BARRY.
BUT I'M PLAYING

DON'T BE A WISE GUY, BARRY.
BUT I'M PLAYING
A WISE MAN, SIR.

BUT I'M PLAYING
A WISE MAN, SIR.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, BARRY.

A WISE MAN, SIR.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, BARRY.
SIT DOWN.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, BARRY.
SIT DOWN.
NOW, LET'S BE ON OUR BEST

SIT DOWN.
NOW, LET'S BE ON OUR BEST
BEHAVIOR, ALL RIGHT?

NOW, LET'S BE ON OUR BEST
BEHAVIOR, ALL RIGHT?
LISTEN TO YOUR FELLOW ACTORS

BEHAVIOR, ALL RIGHT?
LISTEN TO YOUR FELLOW ACTORS
AND PROJECT!

LISTEN TO YOUR FELLOW ACTORS
AND PROJECT!
ALL RIGHT?

AND PROJECT!
ALL RIGHT?
MISS HARDWICK, MUSIC PLEASE.

ALL RIGHT?
MISS HARDWICK, MUSIC PLEASE.
[CLEARS THROAT]

MISS HARDWICK, MUSIC PLEASE.
[CLEARS THROAT]
"NOW IT CAME TO PASS IN THOSE

[CLEARS THROAT]
"NOW IT CAME TO PASS IN THOSE
DAYS, THAT JOSEPH WENT UP FROM

"NOW IT CAME TO PASS IN THOSE
DAYS, THAT JOSEPH WENT UP FROM
GALILEE TO BETHLEHEM TO BE

DAYS, THAT JOSEPH WENT UP FROM
GALILEE TO BETHLEHEM TO BE
TAXED WITH MARY, WHO WAS

GALILEE TO BETHLEHEM TO BE
TAXED WITH MARY, WHO WAS
GREAT WITH CHILD."

TAXED WITH MARY, WHO WAS
GREAT WITH CHILD."
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHOA, EASY.

ANYBODY HOME?
ANYBODY?
UH, YES, HAVE YOU GOT

ANYBODY?
UH, YES, HAVE YOU GOT
ANY ROOM AT THE INN, OR WHAT?

UH, YES, HAVE YOU GOT
ANY ROOM AT THE INN, OR WHAT?
SORRY, NO ROOM AT THE INN.

ANY ROOM AT THE INN, OR WHAT?
SORRY, NO ROOM AT THE INN.
OH, THAT'S TOO BAD.

SORRY, NO ROOM AT THE INN.
OH, THAT'S TOO BAD.
I HEARD YOU HAD COLOR T.V.

OH, THAT'S TOO BAD.
I HEARD YOU HAD COLOR T.V.
TODD, TODD, SAY THE LINE!

I HEARD YOU HAD COLOR T.V.
TODD, TODD, SAY THE LINE!
OH, YES, BUT...

TODD, TODD, SAY THE LINE!
OH, YES, BUT...
MY WIFE IS GREAT WITH PILLOW.

OH, YES, BUT...
MY WIFE IS GREAT WITH PILLOW.
ANYWAY, THERE'S NO ROOM

MY WIFE IS GREAT WITH PILLOW.
ANYWAY, THERE'S NO ROOM
AT THE INN SO GET YOUR...

ANYWAY, THERE'S NO ROOM
AT THE INN SO GET YOUR...
YOUR DONKEY OUTTA HERE.

AT THE INN SO GET YOUR...
YOUR DONKEY OUTTA HERE.
[CHUCKLES]

YOUR DONKEY OUTTA HERE.
[CHUCKLES]
WILL YOU STEP TO THE...

[CHUCKLES]
WILL YOU STEP TO THE...
JUST STAY WITH THE SCRIPT,

WILL YOU STEP TO THE...
JUST STAY WITH THE SCRIPT,
PLEASE OR I'LL SEE YOU

JUST STAY WITH THE SCRIPT,
PLEASE OR I'LL SEE YOU
IN DETENTION.

PLEASE OR I'LL SEE YOU
IN DETENTION.
PLEASE STAY WITH THE SCRIPT.

IN DETENTION.
PLEASE STAY WITH THE SCRIPT.
I SEE YOUR PLIGHT

PLEASE STAY WITH THE SCRIPT.
I SEE YOUR PLIGHT
AND TAKE PITY ON YOU.

I SEE YOUR PLIGHT
AND TAKE PITY ON YOU.
COME WITH ME.

AND TAKE PITY ON YOU.
COME WITH ME.
YOU CAN SLEEP HERE

COME WITH ME.
YOU CAN SLEEP HERE
IN THE STABLE.

YOU CAN SLEEP HERE
IN THE STABLE.
Man: MOO!

IN THE STABLE.
Man: MOO!
MOO.

Man: MOO!
MOO.
OKAY, COW.

MOO.
OKAY, COW.
WHERE'S YOUR HEAD?

OKAY, COW.
WHERE'S YOUR HEAD?
HE FORGOT IT 'CAUSE

WHERE'S YOUR HEAD?
HE FORGOT IT 'CAUSE
IT WASN'T ATTACHED.

HE FORGOT IT 'CAUSE
IT WASN'T ATTACHED.
I CAN'T SEE IN IT.

IT WASN'T ATTACHED.
I CAN'T SEE IN IT.
THE EYE HOLES ARE IN

I CAN'T SEE IN IT.
THE EYE HOLES ARE IN
THE WRONG PLACE.

THE EYE HOLES ARE IN
THE WRONG PLACE.
COSTUMES?

THE WRONG PLACE.
COSTUMES?
MY FAULT.

COSTUMES?
MY FAULT.
I'M SORRY.

MY FAULT.
I'M SORRY.
NOW THE TRICK IS, YOU PUT IT ON,

I'M SORRY.
NOW THE TRICK IS, YOU PUT IT ON,
AND YOU LOOK THROUGH THE

NOW THE TRICK IS, YOU PUT IT ON,
AND YOU LOOK THROUGH THE
NOSTRILS, SEE?

AND YOU LOOK THROUGH THE
NOSTRILS, SEE?
MOO.

NOSTRILS, SEE?
MOO.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU,

MOO.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU,
MRS. LOOPNER.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU,
MRS. LOOPNER.
YOU'RE NOT TAKING THIS

MRS. LOOPNER.
YOU'RE NOT TAKING THIS
SERIOUSLY, TODD.

YOU'RE NOT TAKING THIS
SERIOUSLY, TODD.
YES, WELL...

SERIOUSLY, TODD.
YES, WELL...
SOMEONE WHO MAY OR MAY NOT BE

YES, WELL...
SOMEONE WHO MAY OR MAY NOT BE
AN AGNOSTIC, MYSELF, YOU KNOW,

SOMEONE WHO MAY OR MAY NOT BE
AN AGNOSTIC, MYSELF, YOU KNOW,
THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT ME

AN AGNOSTIC, MYSELF, YOU KNOW,
THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT ME
THAT TELLS ME THAT I MIGHT HAVE

THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT ME
THAT TELLS ME THAT I MIGHT HAVE
A LITTLE TROUBLE BUYING

THAT TELLS ME THAT I MIGHT HAVE
A LITTLE TROUBLE BUYING
THIS PILLOW STORY OF OUR...

A LITTLE TROUBLE BUYING
THIS PILLOW STORY OF OUR...
LET'S CONTINUE, SHALL WE?

THIS PILLOW STORY OF OUR...
LET'S CONTINUE, SHALL WE?
YOUR PARENTS WILL BE HERE

LET'S CONTINUE, SHALL WE?
YOUR PARENTS WILL BE HERE
IN 45 MINUTES FOR THE

YOUR PARENTS WILL BE HERE
IN 45 MINUTES FOR THE
REAL PERFORMANCE.

IN 45 MINUTES FOR THE
REAL PERFORMANCE.
YOU DON'T WANT TO

REAL PERFORMANCE.
YOU DON'T WANT TO
DISAPPOINT THEM, DO YOU?

YOU DON'T WANT TO
DISAPPOINT THEM, DO YOU?
ALL RIGHT.

DISAPPOINT THEM, DO YOU?
ALL RIGHT.
YOU READY?

ALL RIGHT.
YOU READY?
"SHE BROUGHT FORTH HER

YOU READY?
"SHE BROUGHT FORTH HER
FIRST BORN SON."

[DRUM BEATS]
YOU'RE RUINING IT, ARNIE,
COME ON!

YOU'RE RUINING IT, ARNIE,
COME ON!
Mr. Dunwoodie: "SHE WRAPPED

COME ON!
Mr. Dunwoodie: "SHE WRAPPED
HIM IN SWADDLING CLOTHES."

Mr. Dunwoodie: "SHE WRAPPED
HIM IN SWADDLING CLOTHES."
OH, NO!

HIM IN SWADDLING CLOTHES."
OH, NO!
SOMEBODY SWIPED THE

OH, NO!
SOMEBODY SWIPED THE
SWADDLING CLOTHES.

SOMEBODY SWIPED THE
SWADDLING CLOTHES.
EXCUSE ME, MA'AM,

SWADDLING CLOTHES.
EXCUSE ME, MA'AM,
DID YOU LOSE SOMETHING GREAT,

EXCUSE ME, MA'AM,
DID YOU LOSE SOMETHING GREAT,
OR SOMETHING?

DID YOU LOSE SOMETHING GREAT,
OR SOMETHING?
THAT'S SO FUNNY I FORGOT

OR SOMETHING?
THAT'S SO FUNNY I FORGOT
TO LAUGH.

THAT'S SO FUNNY I FORGOT
TO LAUGH.
I'M WARNING YOU, TODD!

TO LAUGH.
I'M WARNING YOU, TODD!
"THEN SHE LAID HIM IN

I'M WARNING YOU, TODD!
"THEN SHE LAID HIM IN
THE MANGER."

"THEN SHE LAID HIM IN
THE MANGER."
MR. DUNWOODIE, THIS

THE MANGER."
MR. DUNWOODIE, THIS
LOOKS LIKE A GIRL DOLL TO ME.

MR. DUNWOODIE, THIS
LOOKS LIKE A GIRL DOLL TO ME.
TODD'S OBVIOUSLY NEVER

LOOKS LIKE A GIRL DOLL TO ME.
TODD'S OBVIOUSLY NEVER
HEARD OF ACTING.

TODD'S OBVIOUSLY NEVER
HEARD OF ACTING.
TODD, I'M WARNING YOU.

HEARD OF ACTING.
TODD, I'M WARNING YOU.
I DON'T WANNA HEAR ANOTHER

TODD, I'M WARNING YOU.
I DON'T WANNA HEAR ANOTHER
PEEP OUT OF YOU, ALL RIGHT?

I DON'T WANNA HEAR ANOTHER
PEEP OUT OF YOU, ALL RIGHT?
PEEP.

PEEP OUT OF YOU, ALL RIGHT?
PEEP.
I'M NOT GONNA WARN

PEEP.
I'M NOT GONNA WARN
YOU AGAIN, TODD!

I'M NOT GONNA WARN
YOU AGAIN, TODD!
I MEAN IT THIS TIME!

YOU AGAIN, TODD!
I MEAN IT THIS TIME!
ALL RIGHT, SHEPHERDS, ANGELS

I MEAN IT THIS TIME!
ALL RIGHT, SHEPHERDS, ANGELS
AND SHEEP, SET YOURSELVES.

ALL RIGHT, SHEPHERDS, ANGELS
AND SHEEP, SET YOURSELVES.
"AND THERE WERE SHEPHERDS

AND SHEEP, SET YOURSELVES.
"AND THERE WERE SHEPHERDS
ABIDING IN THE FIELDS WATCHING

"AND THERE WERE SHEPHERDS
ABIDING IN THE FIELDS WATCHING
THEIR FLOCKS BY NIGHT.

ABIDING IN THE FIELDS WATCHING
THEIR FLOCKS BY NIGHT.
AND AN ANGEL OF THE LORD

THEIR FLOCKS BY NIGHT.
AND AN ANGEL OF THE LORD
APPEARED UNTO THEM...

AND AN ANGEL OF THE LORD
APPEARED UNTO THEM...
AND THE ANGEL SAID UNTO THEM:"

APPEARED UNTO THEM...
AND THE ANGEL SAID UNTO THEM:"
BEHOLD, I BRING YOU GLAD

AND THE ANGEL SAID UNTO THEM:"
BEHOLD, I BRING YOU GLAD
TIDINGS OF GREAT JOY.

BEHOLD, I BRING YOU GLAD
TIDINGS OF GREAT JOY.
FOR THERE IS BORN TO YOU THIS

TIDINGS OF GREAT JOY.
FOR THERE IS BORN TO YOU THIS
DAY A SAVIOR WHO IS CHRIST

FOR THERE IS BORN TO YOU THIS
DAY A SAVIOR WHO IS CHRIST
OUR LORD.

DAY A SAVIOR WHO IS CHRIST
OUR LORD.
Mr. Dunwoodie: "AND THE

OUR LORD.
Mr. Dunwoodie: "AND THE
SHEPHERDS SAID ONE TO ANOTHER:"

Mr. Dunwoodie: "AND THE
SHEPHERDS SAID ONE TO ANOTHER:"
All: LET US GO NOW

SHEPHERDS SAID ONE TO ANOTHER:"
All: LET US GO NOW
TO BETHLEHEM.

All: LET US GO NOW
TO BETHLEHEM.
SHEEP, SHEEP, SHEEP, YOU'RE

TO BETHLEHEM.
SHEEP, SHEEP, SHEEP, YOU'RE
FOLLOWERS, NOT LEADERS.

SHEEP, SHEEP, SHEEP, YOU'RE
FOLLOWERS, NOT LEADERS.
"AND THEY FOUND MARY AND JOSEPH

FOLLOWERS, NOT LEADERS.
"AND THEY FOUND MARY AND JOSEPH
AND THE BABE LYING IN THE

"AND THEY FOUND MARY AND JOSEPH
AND THE BABE LYING IN THE
MANGER, LYING IN THE MANGER."

AND THE BABE LYING IN THE
MANGER, LYING IN THE MANGER."
♪ OH, MARK THE HAIR-LIPPED

MANGER, LYING IN THE MANGER."
♪ OH, MARK THE HAIR-LIPPED
ANGEL SING ♪

♪ OH, MARK THE HAIR-LIPPED
ANGEL SING ♪
CUT IT OUT, TODD.

ANGEL SING ♪
CUT IT OUT, TODD.
I CAN'T, I DON'T HAVE

CUT IT OUT, TODD.
I CAN'T, I DON'T HAVE
SCISSORS.

I CAN'T, I DON'T HAVE
SCISSORS.
YOU'RE GONNA GET IT, TODD.

SCISSORS.
YOU'RE GONNA GET IT, TODD.
MR. DUNWOODIE'S REALLY

YOU'RE GONNA GET IT, TODD.
MR. DUNWOODIE'S REALLY
GETTING MAD AT YOU.

MR. DUNWOODIE'S REALLY
GETTING MAD AT YOU.
OKAY, DILAMUCA,

GETTING MAD AT YOU.
OKAY, DILAMUCA,
THAT DOES IT!

CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED.
ALL RIGHT, "BEHOLD, WISE MEN
FROM THE EAST CAME..."

ALL RIGHT, "BEHOLD, WISE MEN
FROM THE EAST CAME..."
WISE MEN, WHERE ARE YOU?

SAYING...

WISE MEN SAYING...
UH, WHERE IS HE THAT IS BORN
KING OF THE JEWS?

UH, WHERE IS HE THAT IS BORN
KING OF THE JEWS?
WE SAW A STAR IN THE EAST AND

KING OF THE JEWS?
WE SAW A STAR IN THE EAST AND
ARE HERE TO WORSHIP HIM.

WE SAW A STAR IN THE EAST AND
ARE HERE TO WORSHIP HIM.
WELL DONE, WISE MEN.

ARE HERE TO WORSHIP HIM.
WELL DONE, WISE MEN.
"AND WHEN THEY SAW THE CHILD

WELL DONE, WISE MEN.
"AND WHEN THEY SAW THE CHILD
WITH MARY, HIS MOTHER,

"AND WHEN THEY SAW THE CHILD
WITH MARY, HIS MOTHER,
THEY FELL DOWN...

WITH MARY, HIS MOTHER,
THEY FELL DOWN...
AND WORSHIPPED HIM,

THEY FELL DOWN...
AND WORSHIPPED HIM,
AND OFFERED UNTO HIM GOLD,

AND WORSHIPPED HIM,
AND OFFERED UNTO HIM GOLD,
AND FRANKINCENSE, AND MYRRH.

AND OFFERED UNTO HIM GOLD,
AND FRANKINCENSE, AND MYRRH.
BUT THERE WAS ONE WHO HAD

AND FRANKINCENSE, AND MYRRH.
BUT THERE WAS ONE WHO HAD
NO GIFT TO OFFER, SO HE GAVE

BUT THERE WAS ONE WHO HAD
NO GIFT TO OFFER, SO HE GAVE
WHAT HE COULD."

NO GIFT TO OFFER, SO HE GAVE
WHAT HE COULD."
[DRUM BEATS]

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT!

"AND WHEN THE LITTLE DRUMMER BOY
WAS FINISHED, THEY ALL GATHERED
ROUND THE BABY JESUS AND HIS

WAS FINISHED, THEY ALL GATHERED
ROUND THE BABY JESUS AND HIS
MOTHER AND SILENTLY ADORED HIM."

ROUND THE BABY JESUS AND HIS
MOTHER AND SILENTLY ADORED HIM."
[WHEEZING]

IF YOU GUYS WERE REALLY WISE,
YOU WOULD'VE BROUGHT SOME GOLD,
FRANKINCENSE AND DRISTAN.

YOU WOULD'VE BROUGHT SOME GOLD,
FRANKINCENSE AND DRISTAN.
[LAUGHTER]

FRANKINCENSE AND DRISTAN.
[LAUGHTER]
STOP IT, I CAN'T STAND

[LAUGHTER]
STOP IT, I CAN'T STAND
THIS ANYMORE!

STOP IT, I CAN'T STAND
THIS ANYMORE!
THIS IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL AND

THIS ANYMORE!
THIS IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL AND
THE GREATEST STORY THAT WAS EVER

THIS IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL AND
THE GREATEST STORY THAT WAS EVER
TOLD AND YOU'RE RUINING IT!

THE GREATEST STORY THAT WAS EVER
TOLD AND YOU'RE RUINING IT!
WE SHOULDN'T BE ACTING SILLY

TOLD AND YOU'RE RUINING IT!
WE SHOULDN'T BE ACTING SILLY
LIKE THIS.

WE SHOULDN'T BE ACTING SILLY
LIKE THIS.
THIS IS, THE MESSAGE OF

LIKE THIS.
THIS IS, THE MESSAGE OF
CHRISTMAS IS "PEACE ON EARTH"

THIS IS, THE MESSAGE OF
CHRISTMAS IS "PEACE ON EARTH"
"GOOD WILL TO MEN AND WOMEN".

CHRISTMAS IS "PEACE ON EARTH"
"GOOD WILL TO MEN AND WOMEN".
DOESN'T THAT MEAN ANYTHING

"GOOD WILL TO MEN AND WOMEN".
DOESN'T THAT MEAN ANYTHING
TO ANY OF YOU?

DOESN'T THAT MEAN ANYTHING
TO ANY OF YOU?
[SOBBING] 'CAUSE IT DOES TO ME.

TO ANY OF YOU?
[SOBBING] 'CAUSE IT DOES TO ME.
OH, NOW, NOW, NOW.

[SOBBING] 'CAUSE IT DOES TO ME.
OH, NOW, NOW, NOW.
ALL RIGHT.

OH, NOW, NOW, NOW.
ALL RIGHT.
I'M SORRY.

ALL RIGHT.
I'M SORRY.
MR. DUNWOODIE, I JUST HAD TO.

I'M SORRY.
MR. DUNWOODIE, I JUST HAD TO.
DON'T CRY, MAIR.

MR. DUNWOODIE, I JUST HAD TO.
DON'T CRY, MAIR.
FORGIVE ME, LISA,

DON'T CRY, MAIR.
FORGIVE ME, LISA,
FOR ACTING LIKE SUCH A CHILD

FORGIVE ME, LISA,
FOR ACTING LIKE SUCH A CHILD
BUT YOU MAKE SUCH A PERFECT MARY

FOR ACTING LIKE SUCH A CHILD
BUT YOU MAKE SUCH A PERFECT MARY
THAT IT'S SPOOKY, YOU KNOW?

BUT YOU MAKE SUCH A PERFECT MARY
THAT IT'S SPOOKY, YOU KNOW?
I HAPPEN TO KNOW THAT YOU'RE ONE

THAT IT'S SPOOKY, YOU KNOW?
I HAPPEN TO KNOW THAT YOU'RE ONE
OF THE FEW GIRLS HERE AT

I HAPPEN TO KNOW THAT YOU'RE ONE
OF THE FEW GIRLS HERE AT
GUSS GRISSOM HIGH WHO IS

OF THE FEW GIRLS HERE AT
GUSS GRISSOM HIGH WHO IS
PHYSICALLY CORRECT

GUSS GRISSOM HIGH WHO IS
PHYSICALLY CORRECT
FOR THIS PART.

PHYSICALLY CORRECT
FOR THIS PART.
YOU REALLY ARE ADORABLE.

FOR THIS PART.
YOU REALLY ARE ADORABLE.
SO, LISA, I HOPE YOU FIND SOME

YOU REALLY ARE ADORABLE.
SO, LISA, I HOPE YOU FIND SOME
FORGIVENESS IN YOUR HEART

SO, LISA, I HOPE YOU FIND SOME
FORGIVENESS IN YOUR HEART
WHEN I SAY THAT I'D LOVE NOTHING

FORGIVENESS IN YOUR HEART
WHEN I SAY THAT I'D LOVE NOTHING
MORE THAN TO DECK YOUR HEAD

WHEN I SAY THAT I'D LOVE NOTHING
MORE THAN TO DECK YOUR HEAD
WITH CHRISTMAS NOOGIES.

MORE THAN TO DECK YOUR HEAD
WITH CHRISTMAS NOOGIES.
THAT'S RIGHT, MY DEAR.

WITH CHRISTMAS NOOGIES.
THAT'S RIGHT, MY DEAR.
MISS HARDWICK, MISS HARDWICK,

THAT'S RIGHT, MY DEAR.
MISS HARDWICK, MISS HARDWICK,
LET'S HAVE THE MUSIC FOR

MISS HARDWICK, MISS HARDWICK,
LET'S HAVE THE MUSIC FOR
THE FINALE, PLEASE.

LET'S HAVE THE MUSIC FOR
THE FINALE, PLEASE.
NOW, SING OUT EVERYBODY,

THE FINALE, PLEASE.
NOW, SING OUT EVERYBODY,
ANIMALS TOO.

NOW, SING OUT EVERYBODY,
ANIMALS TOO.
♪ OH, LITTLE TOWN OF BETHLEHEM ♪

ANIMALS TOO.
♪ OH, LITTLE TOWN OF BETHLEHEM ♪
♪ HOW STILL WE SEE THEE LIE ♪

♪ OH, LITTLE TOWN OF BETHLEHEM ♪
♪ HOW STILL WE SEE THEE LIE ♪
♪ ABOVE THY SWEET AND

♪ HOW STILL WE SEE THEE LIE ♪
♪ ABOVE THY SWEET AND
DREAMLESS SLEEP ♪

♪ ABOVE THY SWEET AND
DREAMLESS SLEEP ♪
♪ THE SILENT STARS GO BY ♪

DREAMLESS SLEEP ♪
♪ THE SILENT STARS GO BY ♪
♪ YET IN THE DARK SHEET

♪ THE SILENT STARS GO BY ♪
♪ YET IN THE DARK SHEET
SHINETH ♪

♪ YET IN THE DARK SHEET
SHINETH ♪
♪ THE EVERLASTING LIGHT ♪

SHINETH ♪
♪ THE EVERLASTING LIGHT ♪
[APPLAUSE...]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
IT GIVES ME GREAT PLEASURE
TO INTRODUCE THE FORMER

IT GIVES ME GREAT PLEASURE
TO INTRODUCE THE FORMER
HEAVYWEIGHT WRESTLING CHAMPION

TO INTRODUCE THE FORMER
HEAVYWEIGHT WRESTLING CHAMPION
OF THE WORLD, NATURE BOY...

HEAVYWEIGHT WRESTLING CHAMPION
OF THE WORLD, NATURE BOY...
BUDDY ROGERS.

OF THE WORLD, NATURE BOY...
BUDDY ROGERS.
[APPLAUSE]

BUDDY ROGERS.
[APPLAUSE]
GOOD EVENING, LADIES

[APPLAUSE]
GOOD EVENING, LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN.

GOOD EVENING, LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN.
AS OF A FEW MONTHS AGO, I BECAME

AND GENTLEMEN.
AS OF A FEW MONTHS AGO, I BECAME
THE OFFICIAL MANAGER, DIRECTOR,

AS OF A FEW MONTHS AGO, I BECAME
THE OFFICIAL MANAGER, DIRECTOR,
AND ANYTHING THAT GOES

THE OFFICIAL MANAGER, DIRECTOR,
AND ANYTHING THAT GOES
WITH WRESTLING...

AND ANYTHING THAT GOES
WITH WRESTLING...
I'M THE MAN THAT HANDLES

WITH WRESTLING...
I'M THE MAN THAT HANDLES
ANDY KAUFMAN.

I'M THE MAN THAT HANDLES
ANDY KAUFMAN.
WELL, IF YOU RECALL,

ANDY KAUFMAN.
WELL, IF YOU RECALL,
BACK IN OCTOBER OF '79,

WELL, IF YOU RECALL,
BACK IN OCTOBER OF '79,
ANDY CHOSE A GIRL FROM THIS

BACK IN OCTOBER OF '79,
ANDY CHOSE A GIRL FROM THIS
AUDIENCE, HAD HER COME UP

ANDY CHOSE A GIRL FROM THIS
AUDIENCE, HAD HER COME UP
ON THIS STAGE, WRESTLED HER,

AUDIENCE, HAD HER COME UP
ON THIS STAGE, WRESTLED HER,
AND BEAT HER.

ON THIS STAGE, WRESTLED HER,
AND BEAT HER.
WELL, THE COMMENTS WERE

AND BEAT HER.
WELL, THE COMMENTS WERE
OH, SHE WAS A SETUP,

WELL, THE COMMENTS WERE
OH, SHE WAS A SETUP,
IT WASN'T ON A LEVEL,

OH, SHE WAS A SETUP,
IT WASN'T ON A LEVEL,
SHE WASN'T ASTUTE ENOUGH.

IT WASN'T ON A LEVEL,
SHE WASN'T ASTUTE ENOUGH.
WELL, ANDY GOT MAD.

SHE WASN'T ASTUTE ENOUGH.
WELL, ANDY GOT MAD.
NOVEMBER 17th HE CAME BACK

WELL, ANDY GOT MAD.
NOVEMBER 17th HE CAME BACK
AND CHALLENGED ANY WOMAN,

NOVEMBER 17th HE CAME BACK
AND CHALLENGED ANY WOMAN,
ANY WOMAN IN THE WORLD

AND CHALLENGED ANY WOMAN,
ANY WOMAN IN THE WORLD
TO COME ON THIS STAGE

ANY WOMAN IN THE WORLD
TO COME ON THIS STAGE
AND WRESTLE HIM.

TO COME ON THIS STAGE
AND WRESTLE HIM.
NOW, HE ALSO SAID THAT IF ANY

AND WRESTLE HIM.
NOW, HE ALSO SAID THAT IF ANY
WOMAN WOULD BEAT HIM, PIN HIM

NOW, HE ALSO SAID THAT IF ANY
WOMAN WOULD BEAT HIM, PIN HIM
IN THREE MINUTES, RIGHT HERE,

WOMAN WOULD BEAT HIM, PIN HIM
IN THREE MINUTES, RIGHT HERE,
HE WOULD GIVE $1,000...

IN THREE MINUTES, RIGHT HERE,
HE WOULD GIVE $1,000...
AND TO PUT ICING ON THE CAKE,

HE WOULD GIVE $1,000...
AND TO PUT ICING ON THE CAKE,
HE'D SHAVE HIS HEAD RIGHT HERE,

AND TO PUT ICING ON THE CAKE,
HE'D SHAVE HIS HEAD RIGHT HERE,
WHICH LATER ON YOU'LL SEE

HE'D SHAVE HIS HEAD RIGHT HERE,
WHICH LATER ON YOU'LL SEE
WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

WHICH LATER ON YOU'LL SEE
WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
BUT, THIS... SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
BUT, THIS... SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
RECEIVED 1,500 LETTERS.

BUT, THIS... SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
RECEIVED 1,500 LETTERS.
SOME OF THEM WERE JOKING ABOUT

RECEIVED 1,500 LETTERS.
SOME OF THEM WERE JOKING ABOUT
IT, OTHERS WERE SERIOUS.

SOME OF THEM WERE JOKING ABOUT
IT, OTHERS WERE SERIOUS.
WELL, MANY MORE WERE SERIOUS

IT, OTHERS WERE SERIOUS.
WELL, MANY MORE WERE SERIOUS
THAN JOKING ABOUT IT.

WELL, MANY MORE WERE SERIOUS
THAN JOKING ABOUT IT.
AND IF FINALLY BROKE DOWN TO

THAN JOKING ABOUT IT.
AND IF FINALLY BROKE DOWN TO
WHERE WE CAME WITH FOUR

AND IF FINALLY BROKE DOWN TO
WHERE WE CAME WITH FOUR
FINALISTS.

WHERE WE CAME WITH FOUR
FINALISTS.
THEN, THIS THURSDAY, AT THE

FINALISTS.
THEN, THIS THURSDAY, AT THE
Y.M.C.A. IN NEW YORK, THEY

THEN, THIS THURSDAY, AT THE
Y.M.C.A. IN NEW YORK, THEY
ELIMINATED ONE ANOTHER AND

Y.M.C.A. IN NEW YORK, THEY
ELIMINATED ONE ANOTHER AND
IF YOU NOTICE ON A CLIP HERE,

ELIMINATED ONE ANOTHER AND
IF YOU NOTICE ON A CLIP HERE,
WE'LL ROLL THAT FILM AND YOU'LL

IF YOU NOTICE ON A CLIP HERE,
WE'LL ROLL THAT FILM AND YOU'LL
SEE JUST WHAT TOOK PLACE.

NOW, IF YOU NOTICE, THESE GIRLS
ARE REALLY TRYING AND IF YOU
NOTICE THAT THEY KNOW WHAT

ARE REALLY TRYING AND IF YOU
NOTICE THAT THEY KNOW WHAT
THEY'RE DOING BUT THEN THERE

NOTICE THAT THEY KNOW WHAT
THEY'RE DOING BUT THEN THERE
COMES A TIME WHEN ONE OF THEM

THEY'RE DOING BUT THEN THERE
COMES A TIME WHEN ONE OF THEM
JUST WON'T MAKE IT.

COMES A TIME WHEN ONE OF THEM
JUST WON'T MAKE IT.
AND IT'LL BE JUST ABOUT THIS

JUST WON'T MAKE IT.
AND IT'LL BE JUST ABOUT THIS
TIME WHERE THIS TAKES PLACE.

AND IT'LL BE JUST ABOUT THIS
TIME WHERE THIS TAKES PLACE.
RIGHT ON.

TIME WHERE THIS TAKES PLACE.
RIGHT ON.
NOW, BUT WE DID COME UP WITH

RIGHT ON.
NOW, BUT WE DID COME UP WITH
WHAT WE FEEL WASN'T ONLY A

NOW, BUT WE DID COME UP WITH
WHAT WE FEEL WASN'T ONLY A
WINNER BUT IN MY ESTIMATION,

WHAT WE FEEL WASN'T ONLY A
WINNER BUT IN MY ESTIMATION,
ONE OF THE GREATEST GIRL

WINNER BUT IN MY ESTIMATION,
ONE OF THE GREATEST GIRL
WRESTLERS I'VE EVER SEEN.

ONE OF THE GREATEST GIRL
WRESTLERS I'VE EVER SEEN.
I THINK ANDY TOOK ADVANTAGE

WRESTLERS I'VE EVER SEEN.
I THINK ANDY TOOK ADVANTAGE
OF HER THERE.

I THINK ANDY TOOK ADVANTAGE
OF HER THERE.
BUT ANYWAY, I WANT YOU TO MEET A

OF HER THERE.
BUT ANYWAY, I WANT YOU TO MEET A
GIRL THAT I FEEL COULD TAKE MOST

BUT ANYWAY, I WANT YOU TO MEET A
GIRL THAT I FEEL COULD TAKE MOST
OR MAYBE ALL PROFESSIONAL FEMALE

GIRL THAT I FEEL COULD TAKE MOST
OR MAYBE ALL PROFESSIONAL FEMALE
WRESTLERS TODAY AND GIVE 'EM

OR MAYBE ALL PROFESSIONAL FEMALE
WRESTLERS TODAY AND GIVE 'EM
ALL A RUN FOR THEIR MONEY.

WRESTLERS TODAY AND GIVE 'EM
ALL A RUN FOR THEIR MONEY.
THIS GIRL'S REALLY GREAT.

ALL A RUN FOR THEIR MONEY.
THIS GIRL'S REALLY GREAT.
SHE HAS A BACKGROUND.

THIS GIRL'S REALLY GREAT.
SHE HAS A BACKGROUND.
HER DADDY, JIM PECKHAM FROM

SHE HAS A BACKGROUND.
HER DADDY, JIM PECKHAM FROM
MASSACHUSETTS WAS

HER DADDY, JIM PECKHAM FROM
MASSACHUSETTS WAS
IN THE '56 OLYMPICS.

MASSACHUSETTS WAS
IN THE '56 OLYMPICS.
NOT ONLY THAT, HE WAS A COACH

IN THE '56 OLYMPICS.
NOT ONLY THAT, HE WAS A COACH
IN THE '72 AND '76 OLYMPICS,

NOT ONLY THAT, HE WAS A COACH
IN THE '72 AND '76 OLYMPICS,
AND BY GOLLY, A GREAT PORTION OF

IN THE '72 AND '76 OLYMPICS,
AND BY GOLLY, A GREAT PORTION OF
HIS TALENT IS IN THIS GIRL.

AND BY GOLLY, A GREAT PORTION OF
HIS TALENT IS IN THIS GIRL.
RIGHT NOW, I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE

HIS TALENT IS IN THIS GIRL.
RIGHT NOW, I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE
TO YOU, A REAL PLEASURE TO

RIGHT NOW, I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE
TO YOU, A REAL PLEASURE TO
INTRODUCE TO YOU DIANA PECKHAM.

TO YOU, A REAL PLEASURE TO
INTRODUCE TO YOU DIANA PECKHAM.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

DIANA, WITHOUT A DOUBT, WILL
GIVE ANYBODY A RUN FOR THEIR
MONEY, INCLUDING ANDY KAUFMAN.

GIVE ANYBODY A RUN FOR THEIR
MONEY, INCLUDING ANDY KAUFMAN.
AND BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER,

MONEY, INCLUDING ANDY KAUFMAN.
AND BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER,
I LIKE TO INTRODUCE BOBBY ZMUDA,

AND BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER,
I LIKE TO INTRODUCE BOBBY ZMUDA,
THE ONE MAN THAT WILL CALL

I LIKE TO INTRODUCE BOBBY ZMUDA,
THE ONE MAN THAT WILL CALL
ALL THE SHOTS, NAME 'EM AS

THE ONE MAN THAT WILL CALL
ALL THE SHOTS, NAME 'EM AS
HE SEES 'EM AND BOBBY, REMEMBER

ALL THE SHOTS, NAME 'EM AS
HE SEES 'EM AND BOBBY, REMEMBER
THAT ANDY HAS $1,000 AND ALSO

HE SEES 'EM AND BOBBY, REMEMBER
THAT ANDY HAS $1,000 AND ALSO
HE HAS TO SHAVE HIS HEAD

THAT ANDY HAS $1,000 AND ALSO
HE HAS TO SHAVE HIS HEAD
IN CASE HE GOES SOUTH.

HE HAS TO SHAVE HIS HEAD
IN CASE HE GOES SOUTH.
I DO KNOW THAT, BUDDY.

IN CASE HE GOES SOUTH.
I DO KNOW THAT, BUDDY.
I DO KNOW THAT.

I DO KNOW THAT, BUDDY.
I DO KNOW THAT.
HERE IT IS LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

I DO KNOW THAT.
HERE IT IS LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
YOU SEE IT RIGHT HERE, $1,000.

HERE IT IS LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
YOU SEE IT RIGHT HERE, $1,000.
DIANA, THAT IS YOURS IF YOU

YOU SEE IT RIGHT HERE, $1,000.
DIANA, THAT IS YOURS IF YOU
PIN HIS SHOULDERS TO THE MAT

DIANA, THAT IS YOURS IF YOU
PIN HIS SHOULDERS TO THE MAT
FOR THE COUNT OF THREE.

PIN HIS SHOULDERS TO THE MAT
FOR THE COUNT OF THREE.
NOW, IF SHE WINS AND

FOR THE COUNT OF THREE.
NOW, IF SHE WINS AND
ANDY LOSES...

NOW, IF SHE WINS AND
ANDY LOSES...
SIR, WHAT IS YOUR NAME?

ANDY LOSES...
SIR, WHAT IS YOUR NAME?
ANDY COSTANZO.

SIR, WHAT IS YOUR NAME?
ANDY COSTANZO.
AND WHAT DO YOU DO

ANDY COSTANZO.
AND WHAT DO YOU DO
FOR A LIVING?

AND WHAT DO YOU DO
FOR A LIVING?
OFFICIAL BARBER AT

FOR A LIVING?
OFFICIAL BARBER AT
FORT HAMILTON ARMY BASE.

OFFICIAL BARBER AT
FORT HAMILTON ARMY BASE.
OKAY.

FORT HAMILTON ARMY BASE.
OKAY.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

OKAY.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
WHAT ARE YOUR INSTRUCTIONS FOR

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
WHAT ARE YOUR INSTRUCTIONS FOR
THIS EVENING SHOULD DIANA

WHAT ARE YOUR INSTRUCTIONS FOR
THIS EVENING SHOULD DIANA
PIN HIS SHOULDERS TO THE MAT?

THIS EVENING SHOULD DIANA
PIN HIS SHOULDERS TO THE MAT?
IF ANDY KAUFMAN LOSES,

PIN HIS SHOULDERS TO THE MAT?
IF ANDY KAUFMAN LOSES,
I WILL SHAVE HIM BALD IN

IF ANDY KAUFMAN LOSES,
I WILL SHAVE HIM BALD IN
30 MINUTES.

I WILL SHAVE HIM BALD IN
30 MINUTES.
IN HOW LONG?

30 MINUTES.
IN HOW LONG?
IN 30 SECONDS.

IN HOW LONG?
IN 30 SECONDS.
IN 30 SECONDS.

IN 30 SECONDS.
IN 30 SECONDS.
LET'S HEAR IT FOR HIM.

IN 30 SECONDS.
LET'S HEAR IT FOR HIM.
[APPLAUSE]

LET'S HEAR IT FOR HIM.
[APPLAUSE]
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

[APPLAUSE]
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THIS IS NOT SET UP.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THIS IS NOT SET UP.
THESE THREE MEN HERE

THIS IS NOT SET UP.
THESE THREE MEN HERE
ARE NOT ACTORS.

THESE THREE MEN HERE
ARE NOT ACTORS.
THESE ARE REAL SECURITY GUARDS.

ARE NOT ACTORS.
THESE ARE REAL SECURITY GUARDS.
THEY HAVE BEEN INSTRUCTED IF

THESE ARE REAL SECURITY GUARDS.
THEY HAVE BEEN INSTRUCTED IF
ANDY LOSES TO COME OUT THERE

THEY HAVE BEEN INSTRUCTED IF
ANDY LOSES TO COME OUT THERE
AND GRAB HIM AND PUT HIM

ANDY LOSES TO COME OUT THERE
AND GRAB HIM AND PUT HIM
IN THIS CHAIR.

AND GRAB HIM AND PUT HIM
IN THIS CHAIR.
AND NOW, IF YOU WILL,

IN THIS CHAIR.
AND NOW, IF YOU WILL,
WITHOUT ANY FURTHER ADO,

AND NOW, IF YOU WILL,
WITHOUT ANY FURTHER ADO,
MR. ANDY KAUFMAN!

WITHOUT ANY FURTHER ADO,
MR. ANDY KAUFMAN!
[BELL DINGS]

MR. ANDY KAUFMAN!
[BELL DINGS]
[CROWD BOOS]

LADY, I DON'T HAVE TO BEAT
YOU, YOU HAVE TO PIN ME
TO WIN THE MONEY.

YOU, YOU HAVE TO PIN ME
TO WIN THE MONEY.
I DON'T HAVE TO BEAT YOU, OKAY?

TO WIN THE MONEY.
I DON'T HAVE TO BEAT YOU, OKAY?
AND TO ALL THOSE, I THINK WHEN I

I DON'T HAVE TO BEAT YOU, OKAY?
AND TO ALL THOSE, I THINK WHEN I
WIN THIS I THINK IT'D BE NICE

AND TO ALL THOSE, I THINK WHEN I
WIN THIS I THINK IT'D BE NICE
IF ALL YOU LADIES OUT THERE

WIN THIS I THINK IT'D BE NICE
IF ALL YOU LADIES OUT THERE
GET IN THE KITCHEN AND COOK

IF ALL YOU LADIES OUT THERE
GET IN THE KITCHEN AND COOK
A LITTLE MEAL FOR YOUR MAN.

GET IN THE KITCHEN AND COOK
A LITTLE MEAL FOR YOUR MAN.
[CROWD BOOS]

ALL YOU MORONS WHO WROTE ME
LETTERS LAST TIME SAYING
"PLEASE DON'T LET ANDY KAUFMAN

LETTERS LAST TIME SAYING
"PLEASE DON'T LET ANDY KAUFMAN
DO THIS ON THE SHOW ANYMORE."

"PLEASE DON'T LET ANDY KAUFMAN
DO THIS ON THE SHOW ANYMORE."
I WILL CONTINUE DOING THIS ON

DO THIS ON THE SHOW ANYMORE."
I WILL CONTINUE DOING THIS ON
EVERY SHOW ON TELEVISION

I WILL CONTINUE DOING THIS ON
EVERY SHOW ON TELEVISION
UNTIL A WOMAN BEATS ME.

EVERY SHOW ON TELEVISION
UNTIL A WOMAN BEATS ME.
OKAY, WE'RE GONNA START.

UNTIL A WOMAN BEATS ME.
OKAY, WE'RE GONNA START.
IT'S A THREE MINUTE ROUND.

OKAY, WE'RE GONNA START.
IT'S A THREE MINUTE ROUND.
WILL YOU PLEASE SHAKE HANDS,

IT'S A THREE MINUTE ROUND.
WILL YOU PLEASE SHAKE HANDS,
GO TO YOUR CORNERS,

WILL YOU PLEASE SHAKE HANDS,
GO TO YOUR CORNERS,
AND COME OUT WRESTLING.

GO TO YOUR CORNERS,
AND COME OUT WRESTLING.
[CROWD BOOS]

[WHISPERS]

[BELL DINGS]

[CROWD CHEERING DIANA ON...]

[CHEERING CONTINUES...]

[CROWD CHEERS]

Man: ON YOUR STOMACH.
COME UP TO YOUR HANDS AND KNEES.
HANDS AND KNEES.

[CHEERING CONTINUES...]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[BELL DINGS]
THAT'S IT.
THAT WAS THE BELL.

THAT'S IT.
THAT WAS THE BELL.
THAT WAS THREE MINUTES.

THAT WAS THE BELL.
THAT WAS THREE MINUTES.
THREE MINUTES.

THAT WAS THREE MINUTES.
THREE MINUTES.
SHE WAS DOING VERY WELL.

THREE MINUTES.
SHE WAS DOING VERY WELL.
I THINK WE COULD GIVE HER

SHE WAS DOING VERY WELL.
I THINK WE COULD GIVE HER
ONE MORE MINUTE.

I THINK WE COULD GIVE HER
ONE MORE MINUTE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?

ONE MORE MINUTE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WHAT DO YOU THINK?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
SHE HAD HER THREE MINUTES!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
SHE HAD HER THREE MINUTES!
SHE HAD HER THREE MINUTES!

SHE HAD HER THREE MINUTES!
SHE HAD HER THREE MINUTES!
[CROWD BOOS]

SHE HAD HER THREE MINUTES!
[CROWD BOOS]
SHUT UP!

[CROWD BOOS]
SHUT UP!
I HAVE THE BRAINS, BABY!

SHUT UP!
I HAVE THE BRAINS, BABY!
I AM THE WINNER!

I HAVE THE BRAINS, BABY!
I AM THE WINNER!
SHE HAD HER THREE MINUTES.

I AM THE WINNER!
SHE HAD HER THREE MINUTES.
LET'S GO.

SHE HAD HER THREE MINUTES.
LET'S GO.
BABY, GO BACK IN THE KITCHEN

LET'S GO.
BABY, GO BACK IN THE KITCHEN
WHERE YOU BELONG.

BABY, GO BACK IN THE KITCHEN
WHERE YOU BELONG.
[CROWD BOOS]

[BELL DINGS]

Announcer: A CHRISTMAS
TRADITION RETURNS.
IT'S BOB HOPE'S FIRST ANNUAL

TRADITION RETURNS.
IT'S BOB HOPE'S FIRST ANNUAL
CHRISTMAS IN TEHRAN.

IT'S BOB HOPE'S FIRST ANNUAL
CHRISTMAS IN TEHRAN.
WITH SPECIAL GUESTS,

CHRISTMAS IN TEHRAN.
WITH SPECIAL GUESTS,
JOEY HEATHERTON, GLEN CAMPBELL,

WITH SPECIAL GUESTS,
JOEY HEATHERTON, GLEN CAMPBELL,
AND GARY COLEMAN.

WEDNESDAY AT NINE
RIGHT AFTER EINSTEIN'S

RIGHT AFTER EINSTEIN'S
CHRISTMAS.

CHRISTMAS.
[APPLAUSE]

WELL, THE HOLIDAY SEASON'S
HERE AGAIN AND YOU KNOW
WHAT THAT MEANS;

HERE AGAIN AND YOU KNOW
WHAT THAT MEANS;
YOU'LL BE EATING A LOT MORE

WHAT THAT MEANS;
YOU'LL BE EATING A LOT MORE
RICH FOODS:

YOU'LL BE EATING A LOT MORE
RICH FOODS:
TURKEY, EGGNOG, MOM'S PUMPKIN

RICH FOODS:
TURKEY, EGGNOG, MOM'S PUMPKIN
PIE AND YOU'LL BE SEEING

TURKEY, EGGNOG, MOM'S PUMPKIN
PIE AND YOU'LL BE SEEING
A WHOLE LOT MORE OF ME,

PIE AND YOU'LL BE SEEING
A WHOLE LOT MORE OF ME,
SAMMY DAVIS JR.

A WHOLE LOT MORE OF ME,
SAMMY DAVIS JR.
MAYBE MORE THAN YOUR STOMACH

SAMMY DAVIS JR.
MAYBE MORE THAN YOUR STOMACH
CAN HANDLE.

MAYBE MORE THAN YOUR STOMACH
CAN HANDLE.
DON'T ASK ME WHY THE BIG FELLA

CAN HANDLE.
DON'T ASK ME WHY THE BIG FELLA
UPSTAIRS EMBARRASSED ME

DON'T ASK ME WHY THE BIG FELLA
UPSTAIRS EMBARRASSED ME
WITH SUPERSTARDOM,

UPSTAIRS EMBARRASSED ME
WITH SUPERSTARDOM,
WHATEVER THAT IS,

WITH SUPERSTARDOM,
WHATEVER THAT IS,
BUT IN ALL HUMILITY HE DID

WHATEVER THAT IS,
BUT IN ALL HUMILITY HE DID
WHAT HE DID AND I THANK HIM.

BUT IN ALL HUMILITY HE DID
WHAT HE DID AND I THANK HIM.
THANK YOU, MAN.

WHAT HE DID AND I THANK HIM.
THANK YOU, MAN.
REALLY, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE.

THANK YOU, MAN.
REALLY, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE.
YES, THIS CHRISTMAS I'LL BE

REALLY, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE.
YES, THIS CHRISTMAS I'LL BE
SATURATING THE MEDIA

YES, THIS CHRISTMAS I'LL BE
SATURATING THE MEDIA
EVERYWHERE YOU TURN.

SATURATING THE MEDIA
EVERYWHERE YOU TURN.
JUST FLICK ON YOUR T.V.

EVERYWHERE YOU TURN.
JUST FLICK ON YOUR T.V.
AND THERE I'LL BE,

JUST FLICK ON YOUR T.V.
AND THERE I'LL BE,
LAUGHING TOO LOUD, TRYING TOO

AND THERE I'LL BE,
LAUGHING TOO LOUD, TRYING TOO
HARD, USING BIG WORDS WHERE

LAUGHING TOO LOUD, TRYING TOO
HARD, USING BIG WORDS WHERE
LITTLE WORDS WILL DO AND

HARD, USING BIG WORDS WHERE
LITTLE WORDS WILL DO AND
GENERALLY OVERCOMPENSATING

LITTLE WORDS WILL DO AND
GENERALLY OVERCOMPENSATING
FOR THE WHOLE SHORT BLACK

GENERALLY OVERCOMPENSATING
FOR THE WHOLE SHORT BLACK
JEWISH THING, MAN.

FOR THE WHOLE SHORT BLACK
JEWISH THING, MAN.
WHICH REMINDS ME,

JEWISH THING, MAN.
WHICH REMINDS ME,
MAY ALL YOUR CHRISTMASES

WHICH REMINDS ME,
MAY ALL YOUR CHRISTMASES
BE WHITE.

MAY ALL YOUR CHRISTMASES
BE WHITE.
[LAUGHS]

BE WHITE.
[LAUGHS]
♪ WINCE, WINCE ♪

[LAUGHS]
♪ WINCE, WINCE ♪
♪ TWITCH, CRINGE ♪

♪ WINCE, WINCE ♪
♪ TWITCH, CRINGE ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'VE BEEN ON

♪ TWITCH, CRINGE ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'VE BEEN ON
A SAMMY BINGE ♪

♪ WHEN YOU'VE BEEN ON
A SAMMY BINGE ♪
♪ TWITCH, CRINGE,

A SAMMY BINGE ♪
♪ TWITCH, CRINGE,
FLINCH, FLINCH ♪

♪ TWITCH, CRINGE,
FLINCH, FLINCH ♪
♪ WHO'S THE DUDE

FLINCH, FLINCH ♪
♪ WHO'S THE DUDE
YOU LOVE TO LYNCH? ♪

♪ WHO'S THE DUDE
YOU LOVE TO LYNCH? ♪
♪ WHEN YOU NEED RELIEF FROM ME ♪

YOU LOVE TO LYNCH? ♪
♪ WHEN YOU NEED RELIEF FROM ME ♪
♪ AND YOU NEED IT FAST ♪

♪ WHEN YOU NEED RELIEF FROM ME ♪
♪ AND YOU NEED IT FAST ♪
♪ SAMMY SELTZER JR. ♪

♪ AND YOU NEED IT FAST ♪
♪ SAMMY SELTZER JR. ♪
♪ IT'S A GAS, GAS, GAS, MAN ♪

YES, WHAT CAN GIVE YOU
SPEEDY RELIEF FROM TOO MUCH

SPEEDY RELIEF FROM TOO MUCH
SAMMY, IF ANYTHING CAN.

SAMMY, IF ANYTHING CAN.
SAMMY SELTZER JR. CAN.

SAMMY SELTZER JR. CAN.
PEACE.

PEACE.
LOVE.
TOGETHERNESS.

LOVE.
TOGETHERNESS.
ME AND SAMMY SELTZER JR.

TOGETHERNESS.
ME AND SAMMY SELTZER JR.
SAMMY SELTZER JR. IS A NUTTY,

ME AND SAMMY SELTZER JR.
SAMMY SELTZER JR. IS A NUTTY,
MARVELOUS BROMIDE, MAN.

SAMMY SELTZER JR. IS A NUTTY,
MARVELOUS BROMIDE, MAN.
[APPLAUSE]

[♪...]

[HORN HONKING]

Man: IT WAS ONE OF THOSE
MORNINGS WHEN NOTHING
FELT RIGHT.

MORNINGS WHEN NOTHING
FELT RIGHT.
THE NIGHT BEFORE,

FELT RIGHT.
THE NIGHT BEFORE,
MY GIRLFRIEND BETTY SAID SHE

THE NIGHT BEFORE,
MY GIRLFRIEND BETTY SAID SHE
WANTED TO CALL IT QUITS.

MY GIRLFRIEND BETTY SAID SHE
WANTED TO CALL IT QUITS.
AND I'D JUST BEEN FIRED

WANTED TO CALL IT QUITS.
AND I'D JUST BEEN FIRED
FROM MY JOB.

AND I'D JUST BEEN FIRED
FROM MY JOB.
I FELT MIXED UP... CONFUSED.

FROM MY JOB.
I FELT MIXED UP... CONFUSED.
Waitress: MORNING, JOE!

I FELT MIXED UP... CONFUSED.
Waitress: MORNING, JOE!
HOW YOU DOING?

Waitress: MORNING, JOE!
HOW YOU DOING?
WHAT'LL YOU HAVE, THE USUAL?

HOW YOU DOING?
WHAT'LL YOU HAVE, THE USUAL?
NO, JUST COFFEE,

WHAT'LL YOU HAVE, THE USUAL?
NO, JUST COFFEE,
I'M NOT HUNGRY.

NO, JUST COFFEE,
I'M NOT HUNGRY.
Waitress: OH, BOY,

I'M NOT HUNGRY.
Waitress: OH, BOY,
THAT'S A SWITCH.

Waitress: OH, BOY,
THAT'S A SWITCH.
I NEVER SAW YOU PASS UP

THAT'S A SWITCH.
I NEVER SAW YOU PASS UP
BREAKFAST.

I NEVER SAW YOU PASS UP
BREAKFAST.
ONE COFFEE, COMING RIGHT UP.

Joe: YEAH, IT WAS STRANGE.
I HAD NO APPETITE.
I JUST WANTED COFFEE.

I HAD NO APPETITE.
I JUST WANTED COFFEE.
PURE BLACK COFFEE.

I JUST WANTED COFFEE.
PURE BLACK COFFEE.
I KEPT THINKING ABOUT BETTY

PURE BLACK COFFEE.
I KEPT THINKING ABOUT BETTY
AND THE LOOK ON HER FACE WHEN

I KEPT THINKING ABOUT BETTY
AND THE LOOK ON HER FACE WHEN
SHE SAID GOODBYE.

AND THE LOOK ON HER FACE WHEN
SHE SAID GOODBYE.
I ORDERED A SECOND CUP;

SHE SAID GOODBYE.
I ORDERED A SECOND CUP;
IT TASTED GOOD.

I ORDERED A SECOND CUP;
IT TASTED GOOD.
THEN I ORDERED A THIRD,

IT TASTED GOOD.
THEN I ORDERED A THIRD,
AND A FOURTH...

THEN I ORDERED A THIRD,
AND A FOURTH...
TILL I COULDN'T STOP.

AND A FOURTH...
TILL I COULDN'T STOP.
I COULDN'T CONTROL MYSELF.

THEN...
I KNEW I HAD BECOME..
A JAVA JUNKIE.

I KNEW I HAD BECOME..
A JAVA JUNKIE.
Waitress: [ECHO] HEY, JOE...

A JAVA JUNKIE.
Waitress: [ECHO] HEY, JOE...
YOU GOTTA GO...

Waitress: [ECHO] HEY, JOE...
YOU GOTTA GO...
HEY, JOE, YOU OKAY?

YOU GOTTA GO...
HEY, JOE, YOU OKAY?
COULDN'T I HAVE JUST

HEY, JOE, YOU OKAY?
COULDN'T I HAVE JUST
ONE MORE CUP?

COULDN'T I HAVE JUST
ONE MORE CUP?
PLEASE?

ONE MORE CUP?
PLEASE?
SORRY, JOE.

PLEASE?
SORRY, JOE.
THERE AIN'T NO MORE.

SORRY, JOE.
THERE AIN'T NO MORE.
YOU GOTTA GO.

THERE AIN'T NO MORE.
YOU GOTTA GO.
Joe: I HAD TO PUMP THAT RICH

YOU GOTTA GO.
Joe: I HAD TO PUMP THAT RICH
CAFFEINE INTO MY SYSTEM,

Joe: I HAD TO PUMP THAT RICH
CAFFEINE INTO MY SYSTEM,
AND FAST!

[♪...]

Woman: JOEY, HAVE A CUP
OF COFFEE, JOEY.
[LAUGHS]

OF COFFEE, JOEY.
[LAUGHS]
HEY, JOEY!

[LAUGHS]
HEY, JOEY!
COME ON, JOEY!

HEY, JOEY!
COME ON, JOEY!
NO, NO!

COME ON, JOEY!
NO, NO!
JOIN ME IN A CUP OF COFFEE.

NO, NO!
JOIN ME IN A CUP OF COFFEE.
JOEY.

JOIN ME IN A CUP OF COFFEE.
JOEY.
[LAUGHS]

JOEY.
[LAUGHS]
MY GOD!

[LAUGHS]
MY GOD!
WHERE ARE YOU?

MY GOD!
WHERE ARE YOU?
[LAUGHING SADISTICALLY]

WHERE ARE YOU?
[LAUGHING SADISTICALLY]
WHERE ARE YOU?

[LAUGHING SADISTICALLY]
WHERE ARE YOU?
COME BACK!

WHERE ARE YOU?
COME BACK!
I NEED THAT COFFEE!

COME BACK!
I NEED THAT COFFEE!
MY COFFEE!

I NEED THAT COFFEE!
MY COFFEE!
I WANT THAT COFFEE!

MY COFFEE!
I WANT THAT COFFEE!
I NEED THAT COFFEE, THAT COFFEE.

I WANT THAT COFFEE!
I NEED THAT COFFEE, THAT COFFEE.
[SIRENS BLARING...]

[SCREAMING] COFFEE!
WELL, THEY FOUND ME THAT NIGHT
AND THREW ME INTO THIS PLACE...

WELL, THEY FOUND ME THAT NIGHT
AND THREW ME INTO THIS PLACE...
MAXWELL HOUSE.

AND THREW ME INTO THIS PLACE...
MAXWELL HOUSE.
A MEDICAL TREATMENT CENTER FOR

MAXWELL HOUSE.
A MEDICAL TREATMENT CENTER FOR
CAFFEINE ADDICTION, WHERE I WAS

A MEDICAL TREATMENT CENTER FOR
CAFFEINE ADDICTION, WHERE I WAS
PLACED UNDER OBSERVATION

CAFFEINE ADDICTION, WHERE I WAS
PLACED UNDER OBSERVATION
AND TREATED.

PLACED UNDER OBSERVATION
AND TREATED.
AFTER SEVEN WEEKS, I WAS FULLY

AND TREATED.
AFTER SEVEN WEEKS, I WAS FULLY
DECAFFEINATED, AND READY TO

AFTER SEVEN WEEKS, I WAS FULLY
DECAFFEINATED, AND READY TO
RE-ENTER SOCIETY.

DECAFFEINATED, AND READY TO
RE-ENTER SOCIETY.
WHEN I STOPPED BACK INTO MY

RE-ENTER SOCIETY.
WHEN I STOPPED BACK INTO MY
OLD COFFEE SHOP, I WAS A

WHEN I STOPPED BACK INTO MY
OLD COFFEE SHOP, I WAS A
CHANGED MAN, THAT'S FOR SURE.

OLD COFFEE SHOP, I WAS A
CHANGED MAN, THAT'S FOR SURE.
Waitress: HEY, JOE!

CHANGED MAN, THAT'S FOR SURE.
Waitress: HEY, JOE!
LONG TIME TIME, NO SEE.

Waitress: HEY, JOE!
LONG TIME TIME, NO SEE.
WHAT'LL YOU HAVE?

LONG TIME TIME, NO SEE.
WHAT'LL YOU HAVE?
JUST A CUP OF, UH,

WHAT'LL YOU HAVE?
JUST A CUP OF, UH,
HOT WATER, PLEASE.

JUST A CUP OF, UH,
HOT WATER, PLEASE.
ONE HOT WATER,

HOT WATER, PLEASE.
ONE HOT WATER,
COMING RIGHT UP.

ONE HOT WATER,
COMING RIGHT UP.
THANKS!

COMING RIGHT UP.
THANKS!
I FELT LIKE A MILLION BUCKS;

THANKS!
I FELT LIKE A MILLION BUCKS;
I GOT A NEW JOB, BETTY SAID

I FELT LIKE A MILLION BUCKS;
I GOT A NEW JOB, BETTY SAID
SHE WANTED TO SEE ME AGAIN,

I GOT A NEW JOB, BETTY SAID
SHE WANTED TO SEE ME AGAIN,
AND THAT OLD JAVA MONKEY

SHE WANTED TO SEE ME AGAIN,
AND THAT OLD JAVA MONKEY
WAS OFF MY BACK FOREVER.

AND THAT OLD JAVA MONKEY
WAS OFF MY BACK FOREVER.
[APPLAUSE]

I FEEL LIKE SUCH A JERK.
MY HOUSE LOOKS WORSE THAN
LAST YEAR; EVERYBODY IN SCHOOL'S

MY HOUSE LOOKS WORSE THAN
LAST YEAR; EVERYBODY IN SCHOOL'S
TALKING ABOUT IT.

LAST YEAR; EVERYBODY IN SCHOOL'S
TALKING ABOUT IT.
I KNOW.

TALKING ABOUT IT.
I KNOW.
YOU CAN SEE THIS HOUSE

I KNOW.
YOU CAN SEE THIS HOUSE
FROM THREE BLOCKS AWAY.

YOU CAN SEE THIS HOUSE
FROM THREE BLOCKS AWAY.
[LAUGHTER]

FROM THREE BLOCKS AWAY.
[LAUGHTER]
HONEY, THAT WAS

[LAUGHTER]
HONEY, THAT WAS
THE WHITMAN'S AGAIN.

HONEY, THAT WAS
THE WHITMAN'S AGAIN.
THEY SAID IF WE DON'T TURN DOWN

THE WHITMAN'S AGAIN.
THEY SAID IF WE DON'T TURN DOWN
THE CHRISTMAS CAROLS OVER THE

THEY SAID IF WE DON'T TURN DOWN
THE CHRISTMAS CAROLS OVER THE
LOUD SPEAKER ON THE ROOF

THE CHRISTMAS CAROLS OVER THE
LOUD SPEAKER ON THE ROOF
THEY'RE GONNA CALL THE POLICE.

LOUD SPEAKER ON THE ROOF
THEY'RE GONNA CALL THE POLICE.
WELL, YOUR FATHER IS THE ONLY

THEY'RE GONNA CALL THE POLICE.
WELL, YOUR FATHER IS THE ONLY
ONE THAT KNOWS WHERE THE VOLUME

WELL, YOUR FATHER IS THE ONLY
ONE THAT KNOWS WHERE THE VOLUME
CONTROL IS SO WE'RE JUST GONNA

ONE THAT KNOWS WHERE THE VOLUME
CONTROL IS SO WE'RE JUST GONNA
HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL HE GETS BACK.

CONTROL IS SO WE'RE JUST GONNA
HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL HE GETS BACK.
IT MIGHT BE IN MY ROOM, DAD.

HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL HE GETS BACK.
IT MIGHT BE IN MY ROOM, DAD.
GRANDPA WAS IN THERE EARLY THIS

IT MIGHT BE IN MY ROOM, DAD.
GRANDPA WAS IN THERE EARLY THIS
MORNING FEEDING ALL KINDS

GRANDPA WAS IN THERE EARLY THIS
MORNING FEEDING ALL KINDS
OF WIRES OUT THE WINDOW.

MORNING FEEDING ALL KINDS
OF WIRES OUT THE WINDOW.
NO, I THINK THOSE WIRES

OF WIRES OUT THE WINDOW.
NO, I THINK THOSE WIRES
ARE TO LIGHT UP THE NOEL SIGN

NO, I THINK THOSE WIRES
ARE TO LIGHT UP THE NOEL SIGN
IN THE BACKYARD.

ARE TO LIGHT UP THE NOEL SIGN
IN THE BACKYARD.
OH, WAIT A MINUTE!

IN THE BACKYARD.
OH, WAIT A MINUTE!
MAYBE THEY'RE FOR THE BLINKING

OH, WAIT A MINUTE!
MAYBE THEY'RE FOR THE BLINKING
CANDY CANE ON THE MAILBOX.

MAYBE THEY'RE FOR THE BLINKING
CANDY CANE ON THE MAILBOX.
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE

CANDY CANE ON THE MAILBOX.
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE
THE ELECTRIC BILL THIS YEAR.

I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE
THE ELECTRIC BILL THIS YEAR.
THE DANCING ELVES ALONE

THE ELECTRIC BILL THIS YEAR.
THE DANCING ELVES ALONE
ARE GONNA CLEAN ME OUT!

THE DANCING ELVES ALONE
ARE GONNA CLEAN ME OUT!
WHY DO WE HAVE TO

ARE GONNA CLEAN ME OUT!
WHY DO WE HAVE TO
WEAR THESE THINGS?

WHY DO WE HAVE TO
WEAR THESE THINGS?
THEY'RE SO GROSS!

WEAR THESE THINGS?
THEY'RE SO GROSS!
NOW, COME ON!

THEY'RE SO GROSS!
NOW, COME ON!
IT'S ONLY ONCE A YEAR!

NOW, COME ON!
IT'S ONLY ONCE A YEAR!
IT MAKES GRANDPA SO HAPPY.

IT'S ONLY ONCE A YEAR!
IT MAKES GRANDPA SO HAPPY.
WHY CAN'T WE JUST MAKE IT

IT MAKES GRANDPA SO HAPPY.
WHY CAN'T WE JUST MAKE IT
OUR CHRISTMAS PRESENT TO HIM?

WHY CAN'T WE JUST MAKE IT
OUR CHRISTMAS PRESENT TO HIM?
OKAY?

OUR CHRISTMAS PRESENT TO HIM?
OKAY?
♪ DECK THE HALLS WITH

OKAY?
♪ DECK THE HALLS WITH
BOUGHS OF HOLLY ♪

♪ DECK THE HALLS WITH
BOUGHS OF HOLLY ♪
♪ FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA ♪

BOUGHS OF HOLLY ♪
♪ FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA ♪
[LAUGHS]

♪ FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA ♪
[LAUGHS]
YOU KNOW, IT ALWAYS HAPPENS

[LAUGHS]
YOU KNOW, IT ALWAYS HAPPENS
LIKE THIS.

YOU KNOW, IT ALWAYS HAPPENS
LIKE THIS.
JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU HAVE

LIKE THIS.
JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU HAVE
THE HOUSE LOOKING PERFECT

JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU HAVE
THE HOUSE LOOKING PERFECT
YOU SEE SOMETHING THAT YOU

THE HOUSE LOOKING PERFECT
YOU SEE SOMETHING THAT YOU
JUST GOT TO HAVE!

YOU SEE SOMETHING THAT YOU
JUST GOT TO HAVE!
HERE, BLOW IT UP, BLOW IT UP.

JUST GOT TO HAVE!
HERE, BLOW IT UP, BLOW IT UP.
THEY LOOK SO GREAT ON

HERE, BLOW IT UP, BLOW IT UP.
THEY LOOK SO GREAT ON
THE MANTLE.

THEY LOOK SO GREAT ON
THE MANTLE.
GRANDPA, GRANDPA,

THE MANTLE.
GRANDPA, GRANDPA,
CAN'T WE SAVE THESE

GRANDPA, GRANDPA,
CAN'T WE SAVE THESE
FOR NEXT YEAR?

CAN'T WE SAVE THESE
FOR NEXT YEAR?
YEAH, THEN MAYBE THEY'LL BE

FOR NEXT YEAR?
YEAH, THEN MAYBE THEY'LL BE
SOME ROOM IN THE HOUSE.

YEAH, THEN MAYBE THEY'LL BE
SOME ROOM IN THE HOUSE.
OH, NO.

SOME ROOM IN THE HOUSE.
OH, NO.
LET'S ENJOY THEM NOW.

OH, NO.
LET'S ENJOY THEM NOW.
COME ON.

LET'S ENJOY THEM NOW.
COME ON.
SAY... [GIGGLES]

COME ON.
SAY... [GIGGLES]
DID YOU SEE THAT HOUSE

SAY... [GIGGLES]
DID YOU SEE THAT HOUSE
DOWN THE STREET?

DID YOU SEE THAT HOUSE
DOWN THE STREET?
WITH THE LITTLE ITTY-BITTY TREE

DOWN THE STREET?
WITH THE LITTLE ITTY-BITTY TREE
AND THE LIGHTS ON IT?

WITH THE LITTLE ITTY-BITTY TREE
AND THE LIGHTS ON IT?
WASN'T THAT A JOKE?

AND THE LIGHTS ON IT?
WASN'T THAT A JOKE?
[LAUGHS]

WASN'T THAT A JOKE?
[LAUGHS]
YEAH, I THINK WE HAVE

[LAUGHS]
YEAH, I THINK WE HAVE
THEM BEAT, DAD.

YEAH, I THINK WE HAVE
THEM BEAT, DAD.
DO WE?

THEM BEAT, DAD.
DO WE?
MAYBE.

DO WE?
MAYBE.
BUT I THINK THERE IS

MAYBE.
BUT I THINK THERE IS
SOMETHING TO BE SAID

BUT I THINK THERE IS
SOMETHING TO BE SAID
FOR SIMPLICITY.

SOMETHING TO BE SAID
FOR SIMPLICITY.
WE'VE BEEN GETTING COMPLAINTS

FOR SIMPLICITY.
WE'VE BEEN GETTING COMPLAINTS
FROM THE AIRPORT ABOUT

WE'VE BEEN GETTING COMPLAINTS
FROM THE AIRPORT ABOUT
OUR LIGHTS.

FROM THE AIRPORT ABOUT
OUR LIGHTS.
PILOTS ARE HAVING SOME

OUR LIGHTS.
PILOTS ARE HAVING SOME
TROUBLE LANDING.

PILOTS ARE HAVING SOME
TROUBLE LANDING.
FRANKLY, DAD, THE NEIGHBORS

TROUBLE LANDING.
FRANKLY, DAD, THE NEIGHBORS
ARE COMPLAINING ABOUT THE MUSIC.

FRANKLY, DAD, THE NEIGHBORS
ARE COMPLAINING ABOUT THE MUSIC.
WELL, LET THEM BELLYACHE.

ARE COMPLAINING ABOUT THE MUSIC.
WELL, LET THEM BELLYACHE.
THEY'RE JUST NOT IN THE

WELL, LET THEM BELLYACHE.
THEY'RE JUST NOT IN THE
CHRISTMAS SPIRIT, THAT'S ALL.

THEY'RE JUST NOT IN THE
CHRISTMAS SPIRIT, THAT'S ALL.
[DOORBELL RINGS]

CHRISTMAS SPIRIT, THAT'S ALL.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
THAT'S PROBABLY THE POLICE.

[DOORBELL RINGS]
THAT'S PROBABLY THE POLICE.
ONE HUGE DELUXE SNOWMAN.

THAT'S PROBABLY THE POLICE.
ONE HUGE DELUXE SNOWMAN.
WHAT?

ONE HUGE DELUXE SNOWMAN.
WHAT?
YOU CALL THAT DELUXE?

WHAT?
YOU CALL THAT DELUXE?
WE WANT SOMETHING THREE TIMES

YOU CALL THAT DELUXE?
WE WANT SOMETHING THREE TIMES
AS BIG!

WE WANT SOMETHING THREE TIMES
AS BIG!
MAKE THAT FIVE TIMES AS BIG

AS BIG!
MAKE THAT FIVE TIMES AS BIG
WITH 10 TIMES THE VOLTAGE.

MAKE THAT FIVE TIMES AS BIG
WITH 10 TIMES THE VOLTAGE.
WE'RE GONNA HAVE A SEA

WITH 10 TIMES THE VOLTAGE.
WE'RE GONNA HAVE A SEA
OF SNOWMEN IN THAT BACKYARD

WE'RE GONNA HAVE A SEA
OF SNOWMEN IN THAT BACKYARD
OF OURS.

OF SNOWMEN IN THAT BACKYARD
OF OURS.
GET GOING, GET GOING, GET GOING.

WHAT... WHAT ARE YOU
DOING IN HERE?
GET BACK OUT THERE IN THE

DOING IN HERE?
GET BACK OUT THERE IN THE
NATIVITY SCENE.

GET BACK OUT THERE IN THE
NATIVITY SCENE.
MAN, WE GETTIN' FROST BITE

NATIVITY SCENE.
MAN, WE GETTIN' FROST BITE
STANDIN' IN THAT DISPLAY!

MAN, WE GETTIN' FROST BITE
STANDIN' IN THAT DISPLAY!
SHIT, I DON'T KNOW IF THE LITTLE

STANDIN' IN THAT DISPLAY!
SHIT, I DON'T KNOW IF THE LITTLE
ANIMALS ARE GONNA PULL THROUGH.

SHIT, I DON'T KNOW IF THE LITTLE
ANIMALS ARE GONNA PULL THROUGH.
ONE OF THEM SHEEP...

ANIMALS ARE GONNA PULL THROUGH.
ONE OF THEM SHEEP...
THEY'RE ALREADY FROZEN.

ONE OF THEM SHEEP...
THEY'RE ALREADY FROZEN.
WELL, THEN WE'LL HAVE

THEY'RE ALREADY FROZEN.
WELL, THEN WE'LL HAVE
LAMB FOR DINNER, RIGHT, KIDS?

WELL, THEN WE'LL HAVE
LAMB FOR DINNER, RIGHT, KIDS?
NOW YOU GET OUTTA HERE.

LAMB FOR DINNER, RIGHT, KIDS?
NOW YOU GET OUTTA HERE.
GET OUTTA HERE.

NOW YOU GET OUTTA HERE.
GET OUTTA HERE.
I DON'T WANT ANYONE DRIVING BY

GET OUTTA HERE.
I DON'T WANT ANYONE DRIVING BY
AND SEEING THAT BABY OUTSIDE

I DON'T WANT ANYONE DRIVING BY
AND SEEING THAT BABY OUTSIDE
IN THE MANGER ALL ALONE.

AND SEEING THAT BABY OUTSIDE
IN THE MANGER ALL ALONE.
OKAY, BUDDY, BUT WE'RE

IN THE MANGER ALL ALONE.
OKAY, BUDDY, BUT WE'RE
ON OVERTIME NOW!

OKAY, BUDDY, BUT WE'RE
ON OVERTIME NOW!
MONEY IS NO OBJECT.

ON OVERTIME NOW!
MONEY IS NO OBJECT.
JUST REMEMBER,

MONEY IS NO OBJECT.
JUST REMEMBER,
WE'RE ON OVERTIME.

JUST REMEMBER,
WE'RE ON OVERTIME.
WE WANT CHRISTMAS 12 DAYS

WE'RE ON OVERTIME.
WE WANT CHRISTMAS 12 DAYS
A YEAR, 24 HOURS A DAY.

WE WANT CHRISTMAS 12 DAYS
A YEAR, 24 HOURS A DAY.
MONEY IS CERTAINLY NO OBJECT.

A YEAR, 24 HOURS A DAY.
MONEY IS CERTAINLY NO OBJECT.
DAD, LET'S BE REASONABLE.

MONEY IS CERTAINLY NO OBJECT.
DAD, LET'S BE REASONABLE.
THE LIGHTS ARE MAKING IT

DAD, LET'S BE REASONABLE.
THE LIGHTS ARE MAKING IT
IMPOSSIBLE FOR US TO SLEEP.

THE LIGHTS ARE MAKING IT
IMPOSSIBLE FOR US TO SLEEP.
HONEY, DON'T YOU THINK YOUR

IMPOSSIBLE FOR US TO SLEEP.
HONEY, DON'T YOU THINK YOUR
FATHER HAS DONE ENOUGH

HONEY, DON'T YOU THINK YOUR
FATHER HAS DONE ENOUGH
FOR ONE DAY?

FATHER HAS DONE ENOUGH
FOR ONE DAY?
DAD, LOOK, WE REALLY DON'T

FOR ONE DAY?
DAD, LOOK, WE REALLY DON'T
NEED ALL THESE THINGS

DAD, LOOK, WE REALLY DON'T
NEED ALL THESE THINGS
IN THE HOUSE.

NEED ALL THESE THINGS
IN THE HOUSE.
WHY, SURE YOU DON'T

IN THE HOUSE.
WHY, SURE YOU DON'T
NEED THEM, BUT THAT'S WHY I'M

WHY, SURE YOU DON'T
NEED THEM, BUT THAT'S WHY I'M
HERE... FOR YOU TO HAVE THEM,

NEED THEM, BUT THAT'S WHY I'M
HERE... FOR YOU TO HAVE THEM,
FOR THE KIDS TO HAVE THEM,

HERE... FOR YOU TO HAVE THEM,
FOR THE KIDS TO HAVE THEM,
RIGHT KIDS?

FOR THE KIDS TO HAVE THEM,
RIGHT KIDS?
YEAH, BUT DAD, THE KIDS

RIGHT KIDS?
YEAH, BUT DAD, THE KIDS
DON'T REALLY CARE ABOUT ALL THIS

YEAH, BUT DAD, THE KIDS
DON'T REALLY CARE ABOUT ALL THIS
STUFF, THEY CARE ABOUT YOU.

DON'T REALLY CARE ABOUT ALL THIS
STUFF, THEY CARE ABOUT YOU.
WHAT?

STUFF, THEY CARE ABOUT YOU.
WHAT?
YEAH, DAD.

WHAT?
YEAH, DAD.
YOU ONLY COME ONCE A YEAR.

YEAH, DAD.
YOU ONLY COME ONCE A YEAR.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO TURN

YOU ONLY COME ONCE A YEAR.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO TURN
THE LAWN INTO DISNEYLAND.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO TURN
THE LAWN INTO DISNEYLAND.
Girl #1: YEAH, GRANDPA.

THE LAWN INTO DISNEYLAND.
Girl #1: YEAH, GRANDPA.
WE'RE JUST HAPPY TO SEE YOU.

Girl #1: YEAH, GRANDPA.
WE'RE JUST HAPPY TO SEE YOU.
AND WE'D LIKE TO SEE YOU

WE'RE JUST HAPPY TO SEE YOU.
AND WE'D LIKE TO SEE YOU
MORE OFTEN, NOT JUST AT

AND WE'D LIKE TO SEE YOU
MORE OFTEN, NOT JUST AT
CHRISTMAS.

MORE OFTEN, NOT JUST AT
CHRISTMAS.
Girl #1: RIGHT.

CHRISTMAS.
Girl #1: RIGHT.
YOU, YOU MEAN IT, REALLY?

Girl #1: RIGHT.
YOU, YOU MEAN IT, REALLY?
YES.

YOU, YOU MEAN IT, REALLY?
YES.
WE REALLY DO.

YES.
WE REALLY DO.
[SOBS]

WE REALLY DO.
[SOBS]
THAT'S JUST GREAT.

[SOBS]
THAT'S JUST GREAT.
JUST IMAGINE WHAT WE CAN DO

THAT'S JUST GREAT.
JUST IMAGINE WHAT WE CAN DO
WITH THIS PLACE ON COLUMBUS DAY.

JUST IMAGINE WHAT WE CAN DO
WITH THIS PLACE ON COLUMBUS DAY.
THE NINA, THE PINTA,

WITH THIS PLACE ON COLUMBUS DAY.
THE NINA, THE PINTA,
THE SANTA MARIA!

THE NINA, THE PINTA,
THE SANTA MARIA!
OR MAYBE ON HALLOWEEN WE GET

THE SANTA MARIA!
OR MAYBE ON HALLOWEEN WE GET
ALL THE DRACULAS!

OR MAYBE ON HALLOWEEN WE GET
ALL THE DRACULAS!
WE CAN GET GEORGE HAMILTON

ALL THE DRACULAS!
WE CAN GET GEORGE HAMILTON
TO MAKE A PERSONAL APPEARANCE.

WE CAN GET GEORGE HAMILTON
TO MAKE A PERSONAL APPEARANCE.
WE CAN EVEN DIG UP ALL THE

TO MAKE A PERSONAL APPEARANCE.
WE CAN EVEN DIG UP ALL THE
BELA LUGOSI FILMS.

WE CAN EVEN DIG UP ALL THE
BELA LUGOSI FILMS.
WE'LL DIG UP BELA LUGOSI!

BELA LUGOSI FILMS.
WE'LL DIG UP BELA LUGOSI!
[APPLAUSE]

WITH COMMENTARY AND ANALYSIS
BY JOHN CHANCELLOR.

BY JOHN CHANCELLOR.
AND A SPECIAL REPORT BY

AND A SPECIAL REPORT BY
GARY COLEMAN.

GARY COLEMAN.
IRAN: THE COUNTRY

IRAN: THE COUNTRY
AND THE CRISIS.

AND THE CRISIS.
AFTER THE LATE NEWS WHERE

AFTER THE LATE NEWS WHERE
YOU CAN'T SEE THE GUY, TONIGHT.

YOU CAN'T SEE THE GUY, TONIGHT.
[APPLAUSE]

Announcer: ONCE AGAIN,
DESMOND CHILD AND ROUGE.
[APPLAUSE]

DESMOND CHILD AND ROUGE.
[APPLAUSE]
[♪...]

♪ GOODBYE BABY ♪
♪ LET'S KEEP IT THIS WAY ♪
♪ THERE'S NO REASON

♪ LET'S KEEP IT THIS WAY ♪
♪ THERE'S NO REASON
FOR YOU TO STAY ♪

♪ THERE'S NO REASON
FOR YOU TO STAY ♪
♪ YOU RAN OUR LOVE

FOR YOU TO STAY ♪
♪ YOU RAN OUR LOVE
RIGHT INTO THE GROUND ♪

♪ YOU RAN OUR LOVE
RIGHT INTO THE GROUND ♪
♪ AND YOU KNOW IT'S TORTURE

RIGHT INTO THE GROUND ♪
♪ AND YOU KNOW IT'S TORTURE
WHEN YOU HANG AROUND ♪

♪ AND YOU KNOW IT'S TORTURE
WHEN YOU HANG AROUND ♪
♪ I DON'T WANNA KNOW ABOUT

WHEN YOU HANG AROUND ♪
♪ I DON'T WANNA KNOW ABOUT
YOUR KISSES, BABE ♪

♪ I DON'T WANNA KNOW ABOUT
YOUR KISSES, BABE ♪
♪ I DON'T WANNA KNOW ABOUT

YOUR KISSES, BABE ♪
♪ I DON'T WANNA KNOW ABOUT
YOUR PRETTY FACE ♪

♪ I DON'T WANNA KNOW ABOUT
YOUR PRETTY FACE ♪
♪ I DON'T WANNA KNOW ABOUT

YOUR PRETTY FACE ♪
♪ I DON'T WANNA KNOW ABOUT
YOUR SWEET EMBRACE ♪

♪ I DON'T WANNA KNOW ABOUT
YOUR SWEET EMBRACE ♪
♪ I JUST WANT YOUR LOVE

YOUR SWEET EMBRACE ♪
♪ I JUST WANT YOUR LOVE
FROM MY HEART ERASED ♪

♪ I JUST WANT YOUR LOVE
FROM MY HEART ERASED ♪
♪ OOH, BABY,

FROM MY HEART ERASED ♪
♪ OOH, BABY,
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ♪

♪ OOH, BABY,
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ♪
♪ THAT THOUGH I NEED YOUR LOVE

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ♪
♪ THAT THOUGH I NEED YOUR LOVE
I DON'T NEED THE PAIN ♪

♪ THAT THOUGH I NEED YOUR LOVE
I DON'T NEED THE PAIN ♪
♪ SO MUCH SIMPLER

I DON'T NEED THE PAIN ♪
♪ SO MUCH SIMPLER
JUST TO BREAK AWAY ♪

♪ SO MUCH SIMPLER
JUST TO BREAK AWAY ♪
♪ THAN TO HATE MYSELF

JUST TO BREAK AWAY ♪
♪ THAN TO HATE MYSELF
ANOTHER DAY ♪

♪ THAN TO HATE MYSELF
ANOTHER DAY ♪
♪ I DON'T WANNA KNOW ABOUT

ANOTHER DAY ♪
♪ I DON'T WANNA KNOW ABOUT
YOUR KISSES, BABE ♪

♪ I DON'T WANNA KNOW ABOUT
YOUR KISSES, BABE ♪
♪ I DON'T WANNA KNOW ABOUT

YOUR KISSES, BABE ♪
♪ I DON'T WANNA KNOW ABOUT
YOUR PRETTY FACE ♪

♪ I DON'T WANNA KNOW ABOUT
YOUR PRETTY FACE ♪
♪ I DON'T WANNA KNOW ABOUT

YOUR PRETTY FACE ♪
♪ I DON'T WANNA KNOW ABOUT
YOUR SWEET EMBRACE ♪

♪ I DON'T WANNA KNOW ABOUT
YOUR SWEET EMBRACE ♪
♪ I JUST WANT YOUR LOVE

YOUR SWEET EMBRACE ♪
♪ I JUST WANT YOUR LOVE
FROM MY HEART ERASED ♪

♪ I JUST WANT YOUR LOVE
FROM MY HEART ERASED ♪
♪ OUR LOVE IS THROUGH ♪

FROM MY HEART ERASED ♪
♪ OUR LOVE IS THROUGH ♪
♪ NOTHIN' WE CAN SAY ♪

♪ OUR LOVE IS THROUGH ♪
♪ NOTHIN' WE CAN SAY ♪
♪ NOTHIN' WE CAN DO ♪

♪ NOTHIN' WE CAN SAY ♪
♪ NOTHIN' WE CAN DO ♪
♪ OUR LOVE IS ALL THROUGH ♪

♪ NOTHIN' WE CAN DO ♪
♪ OUR LOVE IS ALL THROUGH ♪
♪ NOTHIN' WE CAN SAY ♪

♪ OUR LOVE IS ALL THROUGH ♪
♪ NOTHIN' WE CAN SAY ♪
♪ NOTHIN' WE CAN DO ♪

♪ NOTHIN' WE CAN SAY ♪
♪ NOTHIN' WE CAN DO ♪
[HARMONIZING]

♪ OOH ♪
♪ OOH BABY NO MORE TRICKS
UP YOUR SLEEVE ♪

♪ OOH BABY NO MORE TRICKS
UP YOUR SLEEVE ♪
♪ YOU'RE OUT OF OPTIONS ♪

UP YOUR SLEEVE ♪
♪ YOU'RE OUT OF OPTIONS ♪
♪ NOTHIN' LEFT TO BELIEVE ♪

♪ YOU'RE OUT OF OPTIONS ♪
♪ NOTHIN' LEFT TO BELIEVE ♪
♪ SO GO ON, DO THINGS

♪ NOTHIN' LEFT TO BELIEVE ♪
♪ SO GO ON, DO THINGS
YOU WANTED TO DO ♪

♪ SO GO ON, DO THINGS
YOU WANTED TO DO ♪
♪ YOU'RE THROUGH HURTIN'

YOU WANTED TO DO ♪
♪ YOU'RE THROUGH HURTIN'
'CAUSE I'M THROUGH WITH YOU ♪

♪ YOU'RE THROUGH HURTIN'
'CAUSE I'M THROUGH WITH YOU ♪
♪ I DON'T WANNA KNOW ABOUT

'CAUSE I'M THROUGH WITH YOU ♪
♪ I DON'T WANNA KNOW ABOUT
YOUR KISSES, BABE ♪

♪ I DON'T WANNA KNOW ABOUT
YOUR KISSES, BABE ♪
♪ I DON'T WANNA KNOW ABOUT

YOUR KISSES, BABE ♪
♪ I DON'T WANNA KNOW ABOUT
YOUR PRETTY FACE ♪

♪ I DON'T WANNA KNOW ABOUT
YOUR PRETTY FACE ♪
♪ I DON'T WANNA KNOW ABOUT

YOUR PRETTY FACE ♪
♪ I DON'T WANNA KNOW ABOUT
YOUR SWEET EMBRACE ♪

♪ I DON'T WANNA KNOW ABOUT
YOUR SWEET EMBRACE ♪
♪ I JUST WANT YOUR LOVE

YOUR SWEET EMBRACE ♪
♪ I JUST WANT YOUR LOVE
FROM MY HEART ERASED ♪

♪ I JUST WANT YOUR LOVE
FROM MY HEART ERASED ♪
♪ I JUST WANT YOUR LOVE ♪

FROM MY HEART ERASED ♪
♪ I JUST WANT YOUR LOVE ♪
♪ I JUST WANT YOUR LOVE ♪

♪ I JUST WANT YOUR LOVE ♪
♪ I JUST WANT YOUR LOVE ♪
♪ FROM MY HEART ERASED ♪

♪ I JUST WANT YOUR LOVE ♪
♪ FROM MY HEART ERASED ♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪

[HARMONIZING...]

[APPLAUSE...]

GOODNIGHT ERIC, GOODNIGHT
ELYSE, GOODNIGHT DOTTY,
GOODNIGHT TED, GOODNIGHT

ELYSE, GOODNIGHT DOTTY,
GOODNIGHT TED, GOODNIGHT
EVERYBODY!

GOODNIGHT TED, GOODNIGHT
EVERYBODY!
THANK YOU, YOU'RE WONDERFUL!

EVERYBODY!
THANK YOU, YOU'RE WONDERFUL!
[♪..., APPLAUSE]

Announcer: SATURDAY NIGHT
LIVE WILL RETURN IN THE 80s.
THIS IS DON PARDO, THE VOICE

LIVE WILL RETURN IN THE 80s.
THIS IS DON PARDO, THE VOICE
OF THE 70s SAYING GOODNIGHT

THIS IS DON PARDO, THE VOICE
OF THE 70s SAYING GOODNIGHT
AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS.

OF THE 70s SAYING GOODNIGHT
AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS.
[♪..., APPLAUSE]