Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 5, Episode 7 - Martin Sheen/David Bowie - full transcript

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[♪...]
Man: EVER SINCE I WAS A SMALL
CHILD, I CAN REMEMBER FEELING

Man: EVER SINCE I WAS A SMALL
CHILD, I CAN REMEMBER FEELING
MORE LIKE A LITTLE GIRL THAN A

CHILD, I CAN REMEMBER FEELING
MORE LIKE A LITTLE GIRL THAN A
LITTLE BOY.

MORE LIKE A LITTLE GIRL THAN A
LITTLE BOY.
AT SCHOOL, I USED TO SPEND MORE

LITTLE BOY.
AT SCHOOL, I USED TO SPEND MORE
TIME WITH THE GIRLS.

AT SCHOOL, I USED TO SPEND MORE
TIME WITH THE GIRLS.
I HATED SPORTS.

TIME WITH THE GIRLS.
I HATED SPORTS.
WHEN I GREW UP AND FOUND I COULD

I HATED SPORTS.
WHEN I GREW UP AND FOUND I COULD
CHANGE MY SEX MEDICALLY, I KNEW

WHEN I GREW UP AND FOUND I COULD
CHANGE MY SEX MEDICALLY, I KNEW
I HAD TO MAKE A BIG DECISION.

CHANGE MY SEX MEDICALLY, I KNEW
I HAD TO MAKE A BIG DECISION.
WITH MY LIFE'S SAVINGS, I FLEW



I HAD TO MAKE A BIG DECISION.
WITH MY LIFE'S SAVINGS, I FLEW
TO COPENHAGEN TO A DANISH SEXUAL

WITH MY LIFE'S SAVINGS, I FLEW
TO COPENHAGEN TO A DANISH SEXUAL
INSTITUTE AND CLINIC.

TO COPENHAGEN TO A DANISH SEXUAL
INSTITUTE AND CLINIC.
THERE I SAW DR. INGRID JENSEN,

INSTITUTE AND CLINIC.
THERE I SAW DR. INGRID JENSEN,
WHO WOULD ARRANGE MY SEX

THERE I SAW DR. INGRID JENSEN,
WHO WOULD ARRANGE MY SEX
CHANGE OPERATION.

WHO WOULD ARRANGE MY SEX
CHANGE OPERATION.
THE DOCTOR, WHO INCIDENTALLY WAS

CHANGE OPERATION.
THE DOCTOR, WHO INCIDENTALLY WAS
A WOMAN, EXPLAINED TO ME THAT

THE DOCTOR, WHO INCIDENTALLY WAS
A WOMAN, EXPLAINED TO ME THAT
THERE WERE TWO POSSIBLE

A WOMAN, EXPLAINED TO ME THAT
THERE WERE TWO POSSIBLE
OPERATIONS.

THERE WERE TWO POSSIBLE
OPERATIONS.
ONE TOOK FOUR WEEKS AND INVOLVED

OPERATIONS.
ONE TOOK FOUR WEEKS AND INVOLVED
LENGTHY TISSUE EXCHANGE

ONE TOOK FOUR WEEKS AND INVOLVED
LENGTHY TISSUE EXCHANGE
PROCEDURES.

LENGTHY TISSUE EXCHANGE
PROCEDURES.
IT COSTS ALMOST 200,000 DANISH

PROCEDURES.
IT COSTS ALMOST 200,000 DANISH
KRONERS, OR $37,000.



IT COSTS ALMOST 200,000 DANISH
KRONERS, OR $37,000.
THE OTHER WAS AN ABBREVIATED

KRONERS, OR $37,000.
THE OTHER WAS AN ABBREVIATED
PROCEDURE AND COULD BE DONE THAT

THE OTHER WAS AN ABBREVIATED
PROCEDURE AND COULD BE DONE THAT
AFTERNOON FOR ONLY 2,000

PROCEDURE AND COULD BE DONE THAT
AFTERNOON FOR ONLY 2,000
KRONERS, OR ABOUT $346.

AFTERNOON FOR ONLY 2,000
KRONERS, OR ABOUT $346.
HAVING SPENT ALL MY MONEY ON

KRONERS, OR ABOUT $346.
HAVING SPENT ALL MY MONEY ON
AIRFARE, I CHOSE THE LESS

HAVING SPENT ALL MY MONEY ON
AIRFARE, I CHOSE THE LESS
EXPENSIVE PROCEDURE, HAPPY THAT

AIRFARE, I CHOSE THE LESS
EXPENSIVE PROCEDURE, HAPPY THAT
I WOULD SOON BE THE WOMAN

EXPENSIVE PROCEDURE, HAPPY THAT
I WOULD SOON BE THE WOMAN
I HAD DREAMT OF.

I WOULD SOON BE THE WOMAN
I HAD DREAMT OF.
NOW JUST GET ON THE TABLE.

I HAD DREAMT OF.
NOW JUST GET ON THE TABLE.
LIE DOWN, PLEASE.

NOW JUST GET ON THE TABLE.
LIE DOWN, PLEASE.
THAT'S GOOD.

LIE DOWN, PLEASE.
THAT'S GOOD.
ADMINISTER THE GAS.

THAT'S GOOD.
ADMINISTER THE GAS.
GAS.

ADMINISTER THE GAS.
GAS.
GAS ADMINISTERED.

SCALPEL.
SCALPEL.
[THUMPING]

SCALPEL.
[THUMPING]
SCALPEL.

[THUMPING]
SCALPEL.
SPONGE.

SCALPEL.
SPONGE.
SPONGE.

SPONGE.
SPONGE.
SPONGE.

SPONGE.
SPONGE.
MASCARA.

SPONGE.
MASCARA.
MASCARA.

MASCARA.
MASCARA.
MASCARA.

MASCARA.
MASCARA.
LIPSTICK.

MASCARA.
LIPSTICK.
LIPSTICK.

LIPSTICK.
LIPSTICK.
LIPSTICK.

LIPSTICK.
LIPSTICK.
DRESS AND HIGH HEELS.

LIPSTICK.
DRESS AND HIGH HEELS.
DRESS AND HIGH HEELS.

DRESS AND HIGH HEELS.
DRESS AND HIGH HEELS.
DRESS AND HIGH HEELS.

DRESS AND HIGH HEELS.
DRESS AND HIGH HEELS.
STOP ANESTHESIA.

DRESS AND HIGH HEELS.
STOP ANESTHESIA.
THE OPERATION IS A SUCCESS.

[FEMININE VOICE]: LIVE FROM
NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
[♪...]

Announcer: IT'S SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE, WITH MARTIN SHEEN.

STARRING: JANE CURTIN,
GARRETT MORRIS,
BILL MURRAY,

GARRETT MORRIS,
BILL MURRAY,
LARAINE NEWMAN,

BILL MURRAY,
LARAINE NEWMAN,
AND GILDA RADNER...

WITH MUSICAL GUEST DAVID BOWIE.

AND FEATURING TOM DAVIS...
AL FRANKEN...
FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI...

AL FRANKEN...
FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI...
AND HARRY SHEARER.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
MARTIN SHEEN!
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU!
HEY, THANKS A LOT.
THANKS A LOT.

HEY, THANKS A LOT.
THANKS A LOT.
HEY, YOU KNOW, IT'S A REAL

THANKS A LOT.
HEY, YOU KNOW, IT'S A REAL
PLEASURE FOR ME TO BE HERE

HEY, YOU KNOW, IT'S A REAL
PLEASURE FOR ME TO BE HERE
TONIGHT AND HOST THE SHOW.

PLEASURE FOR ME TO BE HERE
TONIGHT AND HOST THE SHOW.
BUT I HAVE TO ADMIT, I FEEL A

TONIGHT AND HOST THE SHOW.
BUT I HAVE TO ADMIT, I FEEL A
LITTLE OUT OF PLACE.

BUT I HAVE TO ADMIT, I FEEL A
LITTLE OUT OF PLACE.
I MEAN, I'M SURE YOU'VE HEARD IT

LITTLE OUT OF PLACE.
I MEAN, I'M SURE YOU'VE HEARD IT
SAID THAT EVERY DRAMATIC ACTOR

I MEAN, I'M SURE YOU'VE HEARD IT
SAID THAT EVERY DRAMATIC ACTOR
WOULD LOVE TO FIND THE POINT IN

SAID THAT EVERY DRAMATIC ACTOR
WOULD LOVE TO FIND THE POINT IN
HIS CAREER WHERE HE COULD DO

WOULD LOVE TO FIND THE POINT IN
HIS CAREER WHERE HE COULD DO
MUSICAL COMEDY OR SING

HIS CAREER WHERE HE COULD DO
MUSICAL COMEDY OR SING
AND DANCE.

MUSICAL COMEDY OR SING
AND DANCE.
AND I HAVE TO CONFESS TO THE

AND DANCE.
AND I HAVE TO CONFESS TO THE
FACT THAT I NEVER LEARNED TO

AND I HAVE TO CONFESS TO THE
FACT THAT I NEVER LEARNED TO
SING OR DANCE AND I'M AFRAID I

FACT THAT I NEVER LEARNED TO
SING OR DANCE AND I'M AFRAID I
DON'T TELL JOKES VERY WELL.

SING OR DANCE AND I'M AFRAID I
DON'T TELL JOKES VERY WELL.
FOR EXAMPLE...

DON'T TELL JOKES VERY WELL.
FOR EXAMPLE...
[LAUGHTER]

FOR EXAMPLE...
[LAUGHTER]
I TOLD YOU.

[LAUGHTER]
I TOLD YOU.
THE 800-POUND GORILLA WHO THINKS

I TOLD YOU.
THE 800-POUND GORILLA WHO THINKS
HE CAN SIT ANYWHERE.

THE 800-POUND GORILLA WHO THINKS
HE CAN SIT ANYWHERE.
I TOLD YOU.

HE CAN SIT ANYWHERE.
I TOLD YOU.
OK, SO...

I TOLD YOU.
OK, SO...
WELL, DESPITE THAT, I DO BELIEVE

OK, SO...
WELL, DESPITE THAT, I DO BELIEVE
THAT AN ACTOR SHOULD TAKE RISKS

WELL, DESPITE THAT, I DO BELIEVE
THAT AN ACTOR SHOULD TAKE RISKS
WITH HIS CAREER, SO I AGREED

THAT AN ACTOR SHOULD TAKE RISKS
WITH HIS CAREER, SO I AGREED
TO DO THE SHOW.

WITH HIS CAREER, SO I AGREED
TO DO THE SHOW.
AND WE'RE GOING TO BE DOING SOME

TO DO THE SHOW.
AND WE'RE GOING TO BE DOING SOME
VERY FUNNY BUSINESS, AT LEAST

AND WE'RE GOING TO BE DOING SOME
VERY FUNNY BUSINESS, AT LEAST
THEY THINK IT'S FUNNY.

VERY FUNNY BUSINESS, AT LEAST
THEY THINK IT'S FUNNY.
[LAUGHTER]

THEY THINK IT'S FUNNY.
[LAUGHTER]
AND ALL I ASKED IN RETURN WAS

[LAUGHTER]
AND ALL I ASKED IN RETURN WAS
ONE LITTLE FAVOR, AND THESE

AND ALL I ASKED IN RETURN WAS
ONE LITTLE FAVOR, AND THESE
GOOD PEOPLE WHO RUN THE SHOW

ONE LITTLE FAVOR, AND THESE
GOOD PEOPLE WHO RUN THE SHOW
HAVE GRANTED ME THAT FAVOR.

GOOD PEOPLE WHO RUN THE SHOW
HAVE GRANTED ME THAT FAVOR.
AND THAT IS, VERY SIMPLY, RIGHT

HAVE GRANTED ME THAT FAVOR.
AND THAT IS, VERY SIMPLY, RIGHT
HERE AT THE TOP OF THE SHOW,

AND THAT IS, VERY SIMPLY, RIGHT
HERE AT THE TOP OF THE SHOW,
TALK ABOUT SOMETHING THAT IS

HERE AT THE TOP OF THE SHOW,
TALK ABOUT SOMETHING THAT IS
VERY, VERY CLOSE TO MY HEART.

TALK ABOUT SOMETHING THAT IS
VERY, VERY CLOSE TO MY HEART.
SO PLEASE GIVE ME

VERY, VERY CLOSE TO MY HEART.
SO PLEASE GIVE ME
YOUR ATTENTION.

SO PLEASE GIVE ME
YOUR ATTENTION.
[LIGHT LAUGHTER]

YOUR ATTENTION.
[LIGHT LAUGHTER]
YOU KNOW, THE HOLIDAY SEASON IS

[LIGHT LAUGHTER]
YOU KNOW, THE HOLIDAY SEASON IS
A TIME OF GREAT JOY

YOU KNOW, THE HOLIDAY SEASON IS
A TIME OF GREAT JOY
AND HAPPINESS.

A TIME OF GREAT JOY
AND HAPPINESS.
OR AT LEAST IT SHOULD BE.

AND HAPPINESS.
OR AT LEAST IT SHOULD BE.
BUT THERE ARE, HOWEVER, THOSE

OR AT LEAST IT SHOULD BE.
BUT THERE ARE, HOWEVER, THOSE
AMONG US WHO ARE NOT

BUT THERE ARE, HOWEVER, THOSE
AMONG US WHO ARE NOT
SO FORTUNATE.

AMONG US WHO ARE NOT
SO FORTUNATE.
CHRISTMAS IS JUST ANOTHER

SO FORTUNATE.
CHRISTMAS IS JUST ANOTHER
DAY FOR AMERICA'S

CHRISTMAS IS JUST ANOTHER
DAY FOR AMERICA'S
PROFESSIONAL PROSTITUTES.

DAY FOR AMERICA'S
PROFESSIONAL PROSTITUTES.
[LAUGHTER]

PROFESSIONAL PROSTITUTES.
[LAUGHTER]
THEY NEVER GET ANY TOYS.

[LAUGHTER]
THEY NEVER GET ANY TOYS.
THAT'S WHY I'M VERY PROUD TO

THEY NEVER GET ANY TOYS.
THAT'S WHY I'M VERY PROUD TO
CO-SPONSOR, ALONG WITH THE

THAT'S WHY I'M VERY PROUD TO
CO-SPONSOR, ALONG WITH THE
UNITED STATES COAST GUARD

CO-SPONSOR, ALONG WITH THE
UNITED STATES COAST GUARD
RESERVE, THE 1979 TOYS

UNITED STATES COAST GUARD
RESERVE, THE 1979 TOYS
FOR TARTS CAMPAIGN.

RESERVE, THE 1979 TOYS
FOR TARTS CAMPAIGN.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

FOR TARTS CAMPAIGN.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
EACH YEAR IN DECEMBER, WE

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
EACH YEAR IN DECEMBER, WE
COLLECT USABLE TOYS, AND THEN WE

EACH YEAR IN DECEMBER, WE
COLLECT USABLE TOYS, AND THEN WE
DISTRIBUTE THEM TO THE MORE THAN

COLLECT USABLE TOYS, AND THEN WE
DISTRIBUTE THEM TO THE MORE THAN
140,000 PROFESSIONAL PROSTITUTES

DISTRIBUTE THEM TO THE MORE THAN
140,000 PROFESSIONAL PROSTITUTES
AND CALL GIRLS IN THE UNITED

140,000 PROFESSIONAL PROSTITUTES
AND CALL GIRLS IN THE UNITED
STATES AND PUERTO RICO.

AND CALL GIRLS IN THE UNITED
STATES AND PUERTO RICO.
[LAUGHTER]

STATES AND PUERTO RICO.
[LAUGHTER]
IT'S A WONDERFUL THING TO SEE

[LAUGHTER]
IT'S A WONDERFUL THING TO SEE
THAT BEAUTIFUL GLOW ON A YOUNG

IT'S A WONDERFUL THING TO SEE
THAT BEAUTIFUL GLOW ON A YOUNG
WOMAN'S FACE WHEN SHE RECEIVES

THAT BEAUTIFUL GLOW ON A YOUNG
WOMAN'S FACE WHEN SHE RECEIVES
HER CHRISTMAS TOY.

WOMAN'S FACE WHEN SHE RECEIVES
HER CHRISTMAS TOY.
BELIEVE ME, I KNOW,

HER CHRISTMAS TOY.
BELIEVE ME, I KNOW,
I'VE SEEN IT.

BELIEVE ME, I KNOW,
I'VE SEEN IT.
[LAUGHTER]

I'VE SEEN IT.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT TIME IS RUNNING SHORT,

[LAUGHTER]
BUT TIME IS RUNNING SHORT,
AND WE NEED YOUR HELP

BUT TIME IS RUNNING SHORT,
AND WE NEED YOUR HELP
AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

AND WE NEED YOUR HELP
AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
PLEASE, SEND YOUR USABLE TOYS

AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
PLEASE, SEND YOUR USABLE TOYS
FOR TOYS FOR TARTS.

PLEASE, SEND YOUR USABLE TOYS
FOR TOYS FOR TARTS.
LOOK FOR THIS ATTRACTIVE

FOR TOYS FOR TARTS.
LOOK FOR THIS ATTRACTIVE
DISPLAY IN MAJOR SHOPPING

LOOK FOR THIS ATTRACTIVE
DISPLAY IN MAJOR SHOPPING
CENTERS EVERYWHERE.

DISPLAY IN MAJOR SHOPPING
CENTERS EVERYWHERE.
AND REMEMBER,

CENTERS EVERYWHERE.
AND REMEMBER,
FILL TILL IT HURTS.

AND REMEMBER,
FILL TILL IT HURTS.
THANK YOU.

FILL TILL IT HURTS.
THANK YOU.
[APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.
[APPLAUSE]
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

[♪...]
Man [WITH FRENCH ACCENT]:
FROM THE LAND OF BRIE, BARDOT

Man [WITH FRENCH ACCENT]:
FROM THE LAND OF BRIE, BARDOT
AND PERRIER COMES... LE SHOE.

FROM THE LAND OF BRIE, BARDOT
AND PERRIER COMES... LE SHOE.
FOR ZE DAYTIME.

AND PERRIER COMES... LE SHOE.
FOR ZE DAYTIME.
IT'S TRUE.

FOR ZE DAYTIME.
IT'S TRUE.
FOR ZE NIGHTTIME.

IT'S TRUE.
FOR ZE NIGHTTIME.
[LAUGHTER]

FOR ZE NIGHTTIME.
[LAUGHTER]
LE SHOE.

[LAUGHTER]
LE SHOE.
Man: FOR ZE WORK.

LE SHOE.
Man: FOR ZE WORK.
FOR ZE PLAY.

Man: FOR ZE WORK.
FOR ZE PLAY.
EVEN FOR MAKING ZE LOVE.

FOR ZE PLAY.
EVEN FOR MAKING ZE LOVE.
LE SHOE.

Announcer: NOW AMERICANS CAN
BUY THIS BEAUTIFUL PETROLEUM

BUY THIS BEAUTIFUL PETROLEUM
PRODUCT MADE BY ZE FRENCH.

PRODUCT MADE BY ZE FRENCH.
LE SHOE, MAGNIFIQUE.

LE SHOE, MAGNIFIQUE.
LE SHOE, NOW AVAILABLE AT

LE SHOE, NOW AVAILABLE AT
SHOELAND, ONLY $6.95,

SHOELAND, ONLY $6.95,
$7.95 FOR EXTRA LARGE.

$7.95 FOR EXTRA LARGE.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

"'TAKE THY BEAK FROM OUT MY
HEART, AND TAKE THY FORM FROM
MY DOOR!' QUOTH THE RAVEN,

HEART, AND TAKE THY FORM FROM
MY DOOR!' QUOTH THE RAVEN,
'NEVERMORE.'"

MY DOOR!' QUOTH THE RAVEN,
'NEVERMORE.'"
[LAUGHS LIGHTLY]

'NEVERMORE.'"
[LAUGHS LIGHTLY]
DID YOU LIKE THAT?

[LAUGHS LIGHTLY]
DID YOU LIKE THAT?
UH, YEAH.

DID YOU LIKE THAT?
UH, YEAH.
THE TALKING BIRD WAS REAL NEAT.

UH, YEAH.
THE TALKING BIRD WAS REAL NEAT.
READ ME ANOTHER ONE, DADDY!

THE TALKING BIRD WAS REAL NEAT.
READ ME ANOTHER ONE, DADDY!
NO MORE TONIGHT, SWEETHEART.

READ ME ANOTHER ONE, DADDY!
NO MORE TONIGHT, SWEETHEART.
OH, DADDY, PLEASE?

NO MORE TONIGHT, SWEETHEART.
OH, DADDY, PLEASE?
JENNY, IT'S TIME FOR THIS

OH, DADDY, PLEASE?
JENNY, IT'S TIME FOR THIS
LITTLE GIRL TO GO TO BED.

JENNY, IT'S TIME FOR THIS
LITTLE GIRL TO GO TO BED.
ALL RIGHT.

LITTLE GIRL TO GO TO BED.
ALL RIGHT.
GOOD GIRL.

ALL RIGHT.
GOOD GIRL.
GOOD NIGHT, SWEETHEART.

GOOD GIRL.
GOOD NIGHT, SWEETHEART.
GOOD NIGHT!

DAD, MOM, HELP!
HELP, COME QUICK, COME QUICK!
WHAT'S THE MATTER?

HELP, COME QUICK, COME QUICK!
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
HELP, LOOK, THERE'S A BEAR

WHAT'S THE MATTER?
HELP, LOOK, THERE'S A BEAR
IN THE CORNER!

HELP, LOOK, THERE'S A BEAR
IN THE CORNER!
SWEETIE, IT'S JUST YOUR

IN THE CORNER!
SWEETIE, IT'S JUST YOUR
CLOTHES MAKING A SHADOW ON THE

SWEETIE, IT'S JUST YOUR
CLOTHES MAKING A SHADOW ON THE
WALL, I'LL FIX IT.

CLOTHES MAKING A SHADOW ON THE
WALL, I'LL FIX IT.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?

WALL, I'LL FIX IT.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
WHAT'S GOING ON

WHAT'S THE MATTER?
WHAT'S GOING ON
IN HERE, SWEETHEART?

WHAT'S GOING ON
IN HERE, SWEETHEART?
JENNY THOUGHT THESE CLOTHES

IN HERE, SWEETHEART?
JENNY THOUGHT THESE CLOTHES
WERE A BEAR.

JENNY THOUGHT THESE CLOTHES
WERE A BEAR.
OH, HOW RIDICULOUS!

WERE A BEAR.
OH, HOW RIDICULOUS!
WE KNOW THERE ARE NO BEARS

OH, HOW RIDICULOUS!
WE KNOW THERE ARE NO BEARS
IN HERE.

WE KNOW THERE ARE NO BEARS
IN HERE.
NOW, COME ON, YOUNG LADY,

IN HERE.
NOW, COME ON, YOUNG LADY,
LET'S ALL GET TO SLEEP.

NOW, COME ON, YOUNG LADY,
LET'S ALL GET TO SLEEP.
OK, I'M SORRY.

LET'S ALL GET TO SLEEP.
OK, I'M SORRY.
GOOD NIGHT, HONEY.

OK, I'M SORRY.
GOOD NIGHT, HONEY.
GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT, HONEY.
GOOD NIGHT.
WHAT WERE YOU READING TO HER?

GOOD NIGHT.
WHAT WERE YOU READING TO HER?
HONESTLY, I DON'T

WHAT WERE YOU READING TO HER?
HONESTLY, I DON'T
UNDERSTAND YOU.

HONESTLY, I DON'T
UNDERSTAND YOU.
OH, IT'S JUST A LITTLE POE.

[LAUGHTER]

Jenny: DADDY, IS THAT YOU?
Man: WHO SAID THAT?
[SCREAMS]

Man: WHO SAID THAT?
[SCREAMS]
MOM, DAD, COME QUICK!

[SCREAMS]
MOM, DAD, COME QUICK!
WHAT HAPPENED?

MOM, DAD, COME QUICK!
WHAT HAPPENED?
THERE'S A STRANGE MAN

WHAT HAPPENED?
THERE'S A STRANGE MAN
IN THE ROOM!

THERE'S A STRANGE MAN
IN THE ROOM!
OH, DON'T BE SILLY!

IN THE ROOM!
OH, DON'T BE SILLY!
IT'S ONLY THE ELECTRICIAN,

OH, DON'T BE SILLY!
IT'S ONLY THE ELECTRICIAN,
MR. SPENCER.

IT'S ONLY THE ELECTRICIAN,
MR. SPENCER.
DON'T YOU REMEMBER HIM, DEAR?

MR. SPENCER.
DON'T YOU REMEMBER HIM, DEAR?
HE WAS HERE JUST A WEEK AGO.

DON'T YOU REMEMBER HIM, DEAR?
HE WAS HERE JUST A WEEK AGO.
YEAH, BUT WHAT'S HE DOING

HE WAS HERE JUST A WEEK AGO.
YEAH, BUT WHAT'S HE DOING
IN MY ROOM NOW?

YEAH, BUT WHAT'S HE DOING
IN MY ROOM NOW?
HE LEFT HIS TOOL BOX.

IN MY ROOM NOW?
HE LEFT HIS TOOL BOX.
WE TOLD HIM HE COULD COME BY

HE LEFT HIS TOOL BOX.
WE TOLD HIM HE COULD COME BY
SOMETIME AND GET IT.

WE TOLD HIM HE COULD COME BY
SOMETIME AND GET IT.
WE'RE AWFULLY SORRY

SOMETIME AND GET IT.
WE'RE AWFULLY SORRY
ABOUT THIS.

WE'RE AWFULLY SORRY
ABOUT THIS.
MY GOODNESS, YOU'RE SHAKING LIKE

ABOUT THIS.
MY GOODNESS, YOU'RE SHAKING LIKE
A LEAF, YOUR HEART'S BEATING A

MY GOODNESS, YOU'RE SHAKING LIKE
A LEAF, YOUR HEART'S BEATING A
MILE A MINUTE, ARE YOU OK?

A LEAF, YOUR HEART'S BEATING A
MILE A MINUTE, ARE YOU OK?
THIS GIRL HERE SCARED THE

MILE A MINUTE, ARE YOU OK?
THIS GIRL HERE SCARED THE
BEJESUS OUT OF ME, MAN!

THIS GIRL HERE SCARED THE
BEJESUS OUT OF ME, MAN!
[LAUGHTER]

BEJESUS OUT OF ME, MAN!
[LAUGHTER]
GOSH, I'M AWFULLY SORRY.

[LAUGHTER]
GOSH, I'M AWFULLY SORRY.
NOW DON'T YOU THINK YOU OWE

GOSH, I'M AWFULLY SORRY.
NOW DON'T YOU THINK YOU OWE
MR. SPENCER AN APOLOGY?

NOW DON'T YOU THINK YOU OWE
MR. SPENCER AN APOLOGY?
I'M SORRY, MR. SPENCER.

MR. SPENCER AN APOLOGY?
I'M SORRY, MR. SPENCER.
NEVER MIND THE APOLOGY, MAN.

I'M SORRY, MR. SPENCER.
NEVER MIND THE APOLOGY, MAN.
JUST KEEP HER AWAY FROM ME.

NEVER MIND THE APOLOGY, MAN.
JUST KEEP HER AWAY FROM ME.
I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE, MAN.

JUST KEEP HER AWAY FROM ME.
I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE, MAN.
IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO?

I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE, MAN.
IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO?
NO, YOU'VE DONE ENOUGH.

IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO?
NO, YOU'VE DONE ENOUGH.
I'M SO EMBARRASSED, YOU KNOW?

NO, YOU'VE DONE ENOUGH.
I'M SO EMBARRASSED, YOU KNOW?
YOU OUGHT TO BE!

I'M SO EMBARRASSED, YOU KNOW?
YOU OUGHT TO BE!
NOW, HONEY, THIS IS WHAT

YOU OUGHT TO BE!
NOW, HONEY, THIS IS WHAT
HAPPENS WHEN YOU STAY UP

NOW, HONEY, THIS IS WHAT
HAPPENS WHEN YOU STAY UP
TOO LATE AT NIGHT.

HAPPENS WHEN YOU STAY UP
TOO LATE AT NIGHT.
NOW, CAN WE HAVE NO MORE

TOO LATE AT NIGHT.
NOW, CAN WE HAVE NO MORE
OF THESE HIJINKS, PLEASE?

NOW, CAN WE HAVE NO MORE
OF THESE HIJINKS, PLEASE?
OK, I'M SORRY.

OF THESE HIJINKS, PLEASE?
OK, I'M SORRY.
OK, GOOD NIGHT.

[LAUGHTER]

HELP, HELP!
MOM, DAD, HELP!
OH, HELP ME, HELP ME,

MOM, DAD, HELP!
OH, HELP ME, HELP ME,
PLEASE HELP ME!

OH, HELP ME, HELP ME,
PLEASE HELP ME!
WHAT'S THE MATTER?

PLEASE HELP ME!
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
WHAT?

WHAT'S THE MATTER?
WHAT?
YOUNG LADY, WHAT IS THIS ABOUT?

WHAT?
YOUNG LADY, WHAT IS THIS ABOUT?
I'M JUST ABOUT AT MY WIT'S END

YOUNG LADY, WHAT IS THIS ABOUT?
I'M JUST ABOUT AT MY WIT'S END
WITH YOU!

I'M JUST ABOUT AT MY WIT'S END
WITH YOU!
OH, THERE'S GHOSTS

WITH YOU!
OH, THERE'S GHOSTS
UNDER THE BED!

OH, THERE'S GHOSTS
UNDER THE BED!
WILL YOU GIVE ME A BREAK,

UNDER THE BED!
WILL YOU GIVE ME A BREAK,
YOUNG LADY?

WILL YOU GIVE ME A BREAK,
YOUNG LADY?
HONEY, THERE ARE NO GHOSTS

YOUNG LADY?
HONEY, THERE ARE NO GHOSTS
UNDERNEATH THE BED.

HONEY, THERE ARE NO GHOSTS
UNDERNEATH THE BED.
IT'S JUST A FAMILY OF GYPSIES

UNDERNEATH THE BED.
IT'S JUST A FAMILY OF GYPSIES
YOUR FATHER SAID COULD CAMP HERE

IT'S JUST A FAMILY OF GYPSIES
YOUR FATHER SAID COULD CAMP HERE
FOR A WHILE.

YOUR FATHER SAID COULD CAMP HERE
FOR A WHILE.
NOW, LOOK, YOU'VE GONE

FOR A WHILE.
NOW, LOOK, YOU'VE GONE
AND WOKE THEM UP!

NOW, LOOK, YOU'VE GONE
AND WOKE THEM UP!
[LAUGHTER]

AND WOKE THEM UP!
[LAUGHTER]
OH, LOOK, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.

[LAUGHTER]
OH, LOOK, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.
WHAT CAN I DO?

OH, LOOK, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.
WHAT CAN I DO?
I HAD NO IDEA THAT SHE WOULD

WHAT CAN I DO?
I HAD NO IDEA THAT SHE WOULD
ACT THIS WAY.

I HAD NO IDEA THAT SHE WOULD
ACT THIS WAY.
LOOK, HOW ABOUT STAYING

ACT THIS WAY.
LOOK, HOW ABOUT STAYING
IN THE DEN?

LOOK, HOW ABOUT STAYING
IN THE DEN?
HEY, I KNOW A CERTAIN YOUNG

IN THE DEN?
HEY, I KNOW A CERTAIN YOUNG
LADY WHO'S GOING TO HAVE TO GO

HEY, I KNOW A CERTAIN YOUNG
LADY WHO'S GOING TO HAVE TO GO
TO BED AWFUL EXTRA EARLY

LADY WHO'S GOING TO HAVE TO GO
TO BED AWFUL EXTRA EARLY
TOMORROW NIGHT!

TO BED AWFUL EXTRA EARLY
TOMORROW NIGHT!
NOW YOU GO TO SLEEP, YOUNG LADY!

TOMORROW NIGHT!
NOW YOU GO TO SLEEP, YOUNG LADY!
I'M SORRY.

NOW YOU GO TO SLEEP, YOUNG LADY!
I'M SORRY.
AND YOU CAN FORGET ABOUT

I'M SORRY.
AND YOU CAN FORGET ABOUT
THAT SLUMBER PARTY THIS WEEKEND.

AND YOU CAN FORGET ABOUT
THAT SLUMBER PARTY THIS WEEKEND.
ABSOLUTELY.

THAT SLUMBER PARTY THIS WEEKEND.
ABSOLUTELY.
CAN I PUT THE LIGHT ON?

ABSOLUTELY.
CAN I PUT THE LIGHT ON?
NO, I DON'T WORK HARD

CAN I PUT THE LIGHT ON?
NO, I DON'T WORK HARD
ALL DAY SO I CAN SUPPORT

NO, I DON'T WORK HARD
ALL DAY SO I CAN SUPPORT
CON EDISON!

ALL DAY SO I CAN SUPPORT
CON EDISON!
NOW GET TO SLEEP!

CON EDISON!
NOW GET TO SLEEP!
I HOPE SHANDOR AND THE TRIBE

NOW GET TO SLEEP!
I HOPE SHANDOR AND THE TRIBE
AREN'T TOO UPSET.

I HOPE SHANDOR AND THE TRIBE
AREN'T TOO UPSET.
[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

MOM, DAD, COULD YOU JUST
PLEASE COME IN HERE
FOR A MINUTE?

PLEASE COME IN HERE
FOR A MINUTE?
Dad: IF I HAVE TO COME IN

FOR A MINUTE?
Dad: IF I HAVE TO COME IN
THERE ONE MORE TIME, YOUNG LADY,

Dad: IF I HAVE TO COME IN
THERE ONE MORE TIME, YOUNG LADY,
IT HAD BETTER BE IMPORTANT!

[LAUGHTER]

UM...
IT'S OK!
[LAUGHTER]

IT'S OK!
[LAUGHTER]
FORGET IT!

[LAUGHTER]
FORGET IT!
GOOD NIGHT!

FORGET IT!
GOOD NIGHT!
[APPLAUSE]

Man on phone: YEAH, IS THAT
IT THEN?
ALL RIGHT, FINE,

IT THEN?
ALL RIGHT, FINE,
I'LL PASS IT ALONG.

ALL RIGHT, FINE,
I'LL PASS IT ALONG.
OK, GANG, WE DON'T HAVE TO BE

I'LL PASS IT ALONG.
OK, GANG, WE DON'T HAVE TO BE
TOO FORMAL ABOUT THIS, BUT THE

OK, GANG, WE DON'T HAVE TO BE
TOO FORMAL ABOUT THIS, BUT THE
MEETING CAN BEGIN.

TOO FORMAL ABOUT THIS, BUT THE
MEETING CAN BEGIN.
I JUST GOT THE SCHOOL BOARD'S

MEETING CAN BEGIN.
I JUST GOT THE SCHOOL BOARD'S
LATEST OFFER, WHICH IS THEIR

I JUST GOT THE SCHOOL BOARD'S
LATEST OFFER, WHICH IS THEIR
LATEST FINAL OFFER.

LATEST OFFER, WHICH IS THEIR
LATEST FINAL OFFER.
THAT MEANS THAT IT'S NOT TOO

LATEST FINAL OFFER.
THAT MEANS THAT IT'S NOT TOO
MUCH DIFFERENT FROM THEIR LAST

THAT MEANS THAT IT'S NOT TOO
MUCH DIFFERENT FROM THEIR LAST
FINAL OFFER EXCEPT THAT WE'D GET

MUCH DIFFERENT FROM THEIR LAST
FINAL OFFER EXCEPT THAT WE'D GET
MORE MONEY PER WEEK BECAUSE

FINAL OFFER EXCEPT THAT WE'D GET
MORE MONEY PER WEEK BECAUSE
THERE'S LESS WEEKS LEFT

MORE MONEY PER WEEK BECAUSE
THERE'S LESS WEEKS LEFT
IN THE YEAR.

THERE'S LESS WEEKS LEFT
IN THE YEAR.
DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE?

IN THE YEAR.
DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE?
EXCUSE ME, MR. PESKIN, BUT I

DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE?
EXCUSE ME, MR. PESKIN, BUT I
THINK YOU MEAN THERE ARE FEWER

EXCUSE ME, MR. PESKIN, BUT I
THINK YOU MEAN THERE ARE FEWER
WEEKS LEFT.

THINK YOU MEAN THERE ARE FEWER
WEEKS LEFT.
THE NUMBER AND THE VERB SHOULD

WEEKS LEFT.
THE NUMBER AND THE VERB SHOULD
AGREE WITH THE NUMBER

THE NUMBER AND THE VERB SHOULD
AGREE WITH THE NUMBER
OF THE NOUN.

AGREE WITH THE NUMBER
OF THE NOUN.
"WEEKS" IS PLURAL.

OF THE NOUN.
"WEEKS" IS PLURAL.
THEREFORE, THERE ARE FEWER WEEKS

"WEEKS" IS PLURAL.
THEREFORE, THERE ARE FEWER WEEKS
LEFT IN THE YEAR.

THEREFORE, THERE ARE FEWER WEEKS
LEFT IN THE YEAR.
[GROANING]

LEFT IN THE YEAR.
[GROANING]
AREN'T THERE?

[GROANING]
AREN'T THERE?
LET ME HANDLE THIS, PLEASE.

AREN'T THERE?
LET ME HANDLE THIS, PLEASE.
MRS. GAYLORD, I'M NOT TAKING

LET ME HANDLE THIS, PLEASE.
MRS. GAYLORD, I'M NOT TAKING
EVERYBODY'S VALUABLE TIME HERE

MRS. GAYLORD, I'M NOT TAKING
EVERYBODY'S VALUABLE TIME HERE
TO BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT

EVERYBODY'S VALUABLE TIME HERE
TO BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT
WHAT'S LEFT OF YOUR POSTURE.

TO BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT
WHAT'S LEFT OF YOUR POSTURE.
BUT IF KIDS SAT LIKE YOU'RE

WHAT'S LEFT OF YOUR POSTURE.
BUT IF KIDS SAT LIKE YOU'RE
SITTING IN MY GYM CLASS, THEY'D

BUT IF KIDS SAT LIKE YOU'RE
SITTING IN MY GYM CLASS, THEY'D
BE UP FOR SOME HEINY SWATS AND

SITTING IN MY GYM CLASS, THEY'D
BE UP FOR SOME HEINY SWATS AND
FAST, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

BE UP FOR SOME HEINY SWATS AND
FAST, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
OK, ENOUGH SAID?

FAST, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
OK, ENOUGH SAID?
RIGHT, ENOUGH SAID, THANKS.

OK, ENOUGH SAID?
RIGHT, ENOUGH SAID, THANKS.
ALL RIGHT, NOW LOOK, I NEED YOU

RIGHT, ENOUGH SAID, THANKS.
ALL RIGHT, NOW LOOK, I NEED YOU
ALL TO KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT

ALL RIGHT, NOW LOOK, I NEED YOU
ALL TO KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT
THIS DISTRICT'S OFFER.

ALL TO KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT
THIS DISTRICT'S OFFER.
I THINK IT'S RIDICULOUS,

THIS DISTRICT'S OFFER.
I THINK IT'S RIDICULOUS,
INSULTING AND DEMEANING TO OUR

I THINK IT'S RIDICULOUS,
INSULTING AND DEMEANING TO OUR
STATUS AS RESPECTED

INSULTING AND DEMEANING TO OUR
STATUS AS RESPECTED
PROFESSIONALS IN THE COMMUNITY.

STATUS AS RESPECTED
PROFESSIONALS IN THE COMMUNITY.
HOWEVER, IT IS GETTING CLOSE TO

PROFESSIONALS IN THE COMMUNITY.
HOWEVER, IT IS GETTING CLOSE TO
CHRISTMAS TIME AND, YOU KNOW,

HOWEVER, IT IS GETTING CLOSE TO
CHRISTMAS TIME AND, YOU KNOW,
WE'VE BEEN ON STRIKE SINCE

CHRISTMAS TIME AND, YOU KNOW,
WE'VE BEEN ON STRIKE SINCE
LABOR DAY.

WE'VE BEEN ON STRIKE SINCE
LABOR DAY.
NOW WAIT A MINUTE,

LABOR DAY.
NOW WAIT A MINUTE,
WAIT A MINUTE.

NOW WAIT A MINUTE,
WAIT A MINUTE.
IS THIS WHAT WE'VE ALL WALKED

WAIT A MINUTE.
IS THIS WHAT WE'VE ALL WALKED
PICKET LINES ALL FALL FOR,

IS THIS WHAT WE'VE ALL WALKED
PICKET LINES ALL FALL FOR,
TO CAVE IN NOW?

PICKET LINES ALL FALL FOR,
TO CAVE IN NOW?
NOW WE KNEW WHEN WE GOT INTO

TO CAVE IN NOW?
NOW WE KNEW WHEN WE GOT INTO
THIS IT WOULDN'T BE EASY.

NOW WE KNEW WHEN WE GOT INTO
THIS IT WOULDN'T BE EASY.
AND WE KNEW THE SCHOOL BOARD

THIS IT WOULDN'T BE EASY.
AND WE KNEW THE SCHOOL BOARD
WOULD TRY TO STONEWALL US WITH

AND WE KNEW THE SCHOOL BOARD
WOULD TRY TO STONEWALL US WITH
ARGUMENTS LIKE, "WE DON'T HAVE

WOULD TRY TO STONEWALL US WITH
ARGUMENTS LIKE, "WE DON'T HAVE
THE MONEY."

ARGUMENTS LIKE, "WE DON'T HAVE
THE MONEY."
WELL, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THE

THE MONEY."
WELL, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THE
REST OF YOU, BUT IF I WANTED IT

WELL, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THE
REST OF YOU, BUT IF I WANTED IT
EASY, I WOULDN'T HAVE COME TO AN

REST OF YOU, BUT IF I WANTED IT
EASY, I WOULDN'T HAVE COME TO AN
INNER-CITY SCHOOL LIKE THIS.

EASY, I WOULDN'T HAVE COME TO AN
INNER-CITY SCHOOL LIKE THIS.
I WOULD'VE GONE OUT TO THE

INNER-CITY SCHOOL LIKE THIS.
I WOULD'VE GONE OUT TO THE
SUBURBS WHERE THE ONLY PROBLEM

I WOULD'VE GONE OUT TO THE
SUBURBS WHERE THE ONLY PROBLEM
THE KIDS HAVE IS WHICH

SUBURBS WHERE THE ONLY PROBLEM
THE KIDS HAVE IS WHICH
MOPED TO RIDE.

THE KIDS HAVE IS WHICH
MOPED TO RIDE.
CUT THE COMEDY,

MOPED TO RIDE.
CUT THE COMEDY,
HUH, PETERSON?

CUT THE COMEDY,
HUH, PETERSON?
YOU CAME HERE BECAUSE YOU GOT

HUH, PETERSON?
YOU CAME HERE BECAUSE YOU GOT
THE HOTS FOR THE BLACK ONES.

YOU CAME HERE BECAUSE YOU GOT
THE HOTS FOR THE BLACK ONES.
END OF STORY.

THE HOTS FOR THE BLACK ONES.
END OF STORY.
[LAUGHTER]

END OF STORY.
[LAUGHTER]
EXCUSE ME, YOU TWO, LET ME

[LAUGHTER]
EXCUSE ME, YOU TWO, LET ME
INTERRUPT HERE.

EXCUSE ME, YOU TWO, LET ME
INTERRUPT HERE.
YOU ALL KNOW THE CONDITION OF

INTERRUPT HERE.
YOU ALL KNOW THE CONDITION OF
THE STRIKE FUND.

YOU ALL KNOW THE CONDITION OF
THE STRIKE FUND.
WHAT STRIKE FUND?

THE STRIKE FUND.
WHAT STRIKE FUND?
WELL, THAT'S WHAT I MEAN.

WHAT STRIKE FUND?
WELL, THAT'S WHAT I MEAN.
SO PLEASE, BEFORE WE BREAK IT UP

WELL, THAT'S WHAT I MEAN.
SO PLEASE, BEFORE WE BREAK IT UP
TONIGHT, TRY TO LEAVE SOMETHING

SO PLEASE, BEFORE WE BREAK IT UP
TONIGHT, TRY TO LEAVE SOMETHING
TO PAY FOR THE HOTEL ROOM HERE.

TONIGHT, TRY TO LEAVE SOMETHING
TO PAY FOR THE HOTEL ROOM HERE.
THEY SHOULDN'T BE PAYING FOR

TO PAY FOR THE HOTEL ROOM HERE.
THEY SHOULDN'T BE PAYING FOR
THAT HOTEL ROOM, MAN.

THEY SHOULDN'T BE PAYING FOR
THAT HOTEL ROOM, MAN.
THE DISTRICT SHOULD BE

THAT HOTEL ROOM, MAN.
THE DISTRICT SHOULD BE
PAYING, MAN.

THE DISTRICT SHOULD BE
PAYING, MAN.
AFTER ALL, THEY'RE THE ONES

PAYING, MAN.
AFTER ALL, THEY'RE THE ONES
WHO LOCKED US OUT OF

AFTER ALL, THEY'RE THE ONES
WHO LOCKED US OUT OF
THE FACULTY LOUNGE.

WHO LOCKED US OUT OF
THE FACULTY LOUNGE.
WELL, I THINK WE'RE MISSING

THE FACULTY LOUNGE.
WELL, I THINK WE'RE MISSING
THE POINT HERE.

WELL, I THINK WE'RE MISSING
THE POINT HERE.
WE'RE THE ONES IN THE STRONG

THE POINT HERE.
WE'RE THE ONES IN THE STRONG
POSITION, NOT THE SCHOOL BOARD.

WE'RE THE ONES IN THE STRONG
POSITION, NOT THE SCHOOL BOARD.
WE'RE VIRTUALLY THE LAST

POSITION, NOT THE SCHOOL BOARD.
WE'RE VIRTUALLY THE LAST
TEACHER'S UNION LEFT ON STRIKE

WE'RE VIRTUALLY THE LAST
TEACHER'S UNION LEFT ON STRIKE
IN THIS COUNTRY.

TEACHER'S UNION LEFT ON STRIKE
IN THIS COUNTRY.
NOW AS SOON AS THIS IRAN THING

IN THIS COUNTRY.
NOW AS SOON AS THIS IRAN THING
BLOWS OVER, WE'RE GONNA GET A

NOW AS SOON AS THIS IRAN THING
BLOWS OVER, WE'RE GONNA GET A
LOT OF NATIONAL PUBLICITY, AND

BLOWS OVER, WE'RE GONNA GET A
LOT OF NATIONAL PUBLICITY, AND
THAT'S BOUND TO PUT PRESSURE ON

LOT OF NATIONAL PUBLICITY, AND
THAT'S BOUND TO PUT PRESSURE ON
THE SCHOOL BOARD.

THAT'S BOUND TO PUT PRESSURE ON
THE SCHOOL BOARD.
THAT'S SHARP.

THE SCHOOL BOARD.
THAT'S SHARP.
I WANT TO GO BACK TO WHAT

THAT'S SHARP.
I WANT TO GO BACK TO WHAT
SHAMBLICE HERE WAS SAYING.

I WANT TO GO BACK TO WHAT
SHAMBLICE HERE WAS SAYING.
I TOLD YOU PEOPLE LAST TIME THAT

SHAMBLICE HERE WAS SAYING.
I TOLD YOU PEOPLE LAST TIME THAT
ONE OF MY SHOP METAL CLASS KIDS

I TOLD YOU PEOPLE LAST TIME THAT
ONE OF MY SHOP METAL CLASS KIDS
COULD HAVE US INTO THAT

ONE OF MY SHOP METAL CLASS KIDS
COULD HAVE US INTO THAT
TEACHER'S LOUNGE IN A MINUTE

COULD HAVE US INTO THAT
TEACHER'S LOUNGE IN A MINUTE
AND A HALF.

TEACHER'S LOUNGE IN A MINUTE
AND A HALF.
NOW ARE WE GONNA HATCH THESE

AND A HALF.
NOW ARE WE GONNA HATCH THESE
EGGS OR JUST SIT ON 'EM?

NOW ARE WE GONNA HATCH THESE
EGGS OR JUST SIT ON 'EM?
OK, UM... I'M PROBABLY

EGGS OR JUST SIT ON 'EM?
OK, UM... I'M PROBABLY
GONNA GET IT FROM ALL

OK, UM... I'M PROBABLY
GONNA GET IT FROM ALL
SIDES, BUT...

GONNA GET IT FROM ALL
SIDES, BUT...
YOU SHOULD BE SO LUCKY.

SIDES, BUT...
YOU SHOULD BE SO LUCKY.
[LAUGHTER]

YOU SHOULD BE SO LUCKY.
[LAUGHTER]
OK, MR. DELONG, JUST LET ME

[LAUGHTER]
OK, MR. DELONG, JUST LET ME
FINISH, OK?

OK, MR. DELONG, JUST LET ME
FINISH, OK?
OK, UM... I KNOW I LOOK AT

FINISH, OK?
OK, UM... I KNOW I LOOK AT
THIS DIFFERENTLY BECAUSE I'M

OK, UM... I KNOW I LOOK AT
THIS DIFFERENTLY BECAUSE I'M
JUST OUT OF EDUCATIONAL SCHOOL

THIS DIFFERENTLY BECAUSE I'M
JUST OUT OF EDUCATIONAL SCHOOL
ABOUT A YEAR NOW, AND I HAVEN'T

JUST OUT OF EDUCATIONAL SCHOOL
ABOUT A YEAR NOW, AND I HAVEN'T
REALLY TAUGHT YET, OK?

ABOUT A YEAR NOW, AND I HAVEN'T
REALLY TAUGHT YET, OK?
SO I'M FOR ACCEPTING THE OFFER,

REALLY TAUGHT YET, OK?
SO I'M FOR ACCEPTING THE OFFER,
BECAUSE WE'RE ALL HERE TO TEACH.

SO I'M FOR ACCEPTING THE OFFER,
BECAUSE WE'RE ALL HERE TO TEACH.
I MEAN, IF I HAD WANTED TO GET A

BECAUSE WE'RE ALL HERE TO TEACH.
I MEAN, IF I HAD WANTED TO GET A
HIGH-PAYING JOB, I WOULD HAVE

I MEAN, IF I HAD WANTED TO GET A
HIGH-PAYING JOB, I WOULD HAVE
GONE INTO SOCIAL WORK, OK?

HIGH-PAYING JOB, I WOULD HAVE
GONE INTO SOCIAL WORK, OK?
[LAUGHTER]

GONE INTO SOCIAL WORK, OK?
[LAUGHTER]
THAT WAS SIX OKs, DEAR.

[LAUGHTER]
THAT WAS SIX OKs, DEAR.
THERE ARE TWO CREATURES YOU

THAT WAS SIX OKs, DEAR.
THERE ARE TWO CREATURES YOU
SHOULD STAY AWAY FROM:

THERE ARE TWO CREATURES YOU
SHOULD STAY AWAY FROM:
THE "OK" BEAR AND

SHOULD STAY AWAY FROM:
THE "OK" BEAR AND
THE "YOU KNOW" BIRD.

THE "OK" BEAR AND
THE "YOU KNOW" BIRD.
[LAUGHTER]

THE "YOU KNOW" BIRD.
[LAUGHTER]
MR. PESKIN, DO YOU MIND IF I

[LAUGHTER]
MR. PESKIN, DO YOU MIND IF I
ASK YOU JUST A QUESTION TO

MR. PESKIN, DO YOU MIND IF I
ASK YOU JUST A QUESTION TO
CLARIFY FOR MY OWN SELF HERE?

ASK YOU JUST A QUESTION TO
CLARIFY FOR MY OWN SELF HERE?
NOT AT ALL, GO AHEAD.

CLARIFY FOR MY OWN SELF HERE?
NOT AT ALL, GO AHEAD.
NOW AS I UNDERSTAND IT, THE

NOT AT ALL, GO AHEAD.
NOW AS I UNDERSTAND IT, THE
LONGER WE STAY ON STRIKE, THE

NOW AS I UNDERSTAND IT, THE
LONGER WE STAY ON STRIKE, THE
MORE MONEY THE DISTRICT SAVES ON

LONGER WE STAY ON STRIKE, THE
MORE MONEY THE DISTRICT SAVES ON
OUR SALARIES, IS THAT CORRECT?

MORE MONEY THE DISTRICT SAVES ON
OUR SALARIES, IS THAT CORRECT?
THAT IS CORRECT.

OUR SALARIES, IS THAT CORRECT?
THAT IS CORRECT.
ALL RIGHT, AND SO THE BIGGER

THAT IS CORRECT.
ALL RIGHT, AND SO THE BIGGER
THE RAISE THEY CAN AFFORD TO

ALL RIGHT, AND SO THE BIGGER
THE RAISE THEY CAN AFFORD TO
GIVE US WHEN WE SETTLE AND COME

THE RAISE THEY CAN AFFORD TO
GIVE US WHEN WE SETTLE AND COME
BACK IN, IS THAT CORRECT?

GIVE US WHEN WE SETTLE AND COME
BACK IN, IS THAT CORRECT?
THAT'S CORRECT, YES.

BACK IN, IS THAT CORRECT?
THAT'S CORRECT, YES.
WELL, THEN THERE YOU ARE.

THAT'S CORRECT, YES.
WELL, THEN THERE YOU ARE.
IF WE STAY OUT FOR THE ENTIRE

WELL, THEN THERE YOU ARE.
IF WE STAY OUT FOR THE ENTIRE
YEAR, WE'RE GONNA GET THE ENTIRE

IF WE STAY OUT FOR THE ENTIRE
YEAR, WE'RE GONNA GET THE ENTIRE
RAISE WE'RE DEMANDING, IT'S AS

YEAR, WE'RE GONNA GET THE ENTIRE
RAISE WE'RE DEMANDING, IT'S AS
SIMPLE AS THAT.

RAISE WE'RE DEMANDING, IT'S AS
SIMPLE AS THAT.
WAIT A MINUTE, MAN, WAIT.

SIMPLE AS THAT.
WAIT A MINUTE, MAN, WAIT.
LOOK, I GOT A REAL IDEA, MAN.

WAIT A MINUTE, MAN, WAIT.
LOOK, I GOT A REAL IDEA, MAN.
NOW LET'S BE REALISTIC.

LOOK, I GOT A REAL IDEA, MAN.
NOW LET'S BE REALISTIC.
WE'VE ALL GOT CHRISTMAS PRESENTS

NOW LET'S BE REALISTIC.
WE'VE ALL GOT CHRISTMAS PRESENTS
TO BUY, WHY DON'T WE GO BACK

WE'VE ALL GOT CHRISTMAS PRESENTS
TO BUY, WHY DON'T WE GO BACK
JUST DURING THE HOLIDAYS, THEN

TO BUY, WHY DON'T WE GO BACK
JUST DURING THE HOLIDAYS, THEN
RESUME THE STRIKE AFTER

JUST DURING THE HOLIDAYS, THEN
RESUME THE STRIKE AFTER
THE FIRST?

RESUME THE STRIKE AFTER
THE FIRST?
WE COULD PAY OFF THE HOTEL

THE FIRST?
WE COULD PAY OFF THE HOTEL
AND EVERYTHING.

WE COULD PAY OFF THE HOTEL
AND EVERYTHING.
BUT WE WERE THE ONES WHO

AND EVERYTHING.
BUT WE WERE THE ONES WHO
SAID, "NO CONTRACT, NO WORK."

BUT WE WERE THE ONES WHO
SAID, "NO CONTRACT, NO WORK."
HEY, BE CAREFUL THERE,

SAID, "NO CONTRACT, NO WORK."
HEY, BE CAREFUL THERE,
SHAMBLICE, YOU DON'T WANT TO USE

HEY, BE CAREFUL THERE,
SHAMBLICE, YOU DON'T WANT TO USE
YOUR SHOT AT SOME OLD, FAKE

SHAMBLICE, YOU DON'T WANT TO USE
YOUR SHOT AT SOME OLD, FAKE
PATOOTIE OVER THERE.

YOUR SHOT AT SOME OLD, FAKE
PATOOTIE OVER THERE.
ALL RIGHT, COME ON NOW.

PATOOTIE OVER THERE.
ALL RIGHT, COME ON NOW.
LOOK, I THINK WE GOTTA MAKE UP

ALL RIGHT, COME ON NOW.
LOOK, I THINK WE GOTTA MAKE UP
OUR MIND REAL QUICK, GANG, HERE

LOOK, I THINK WE GOTTA MAKE UP
OUR MIND REAL QUICK, GANG, HERE
BECAUSE YOU KNOW THE ROTARIANS

OUR MIND REAL QUICK, GANG, HERE
BECAUSE YOU KNOW THE ROTARIANS
ARE WAITING FOR THE ROOM.

BECAUSE YOU KNOW THE ROTARIANS
ARE WAITING FOR THE ROOM.
NOW YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL, I WAS

ARE WAITING FOR THE ROOM.
NOW YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL, I WAS
THE INSTIGATOR OF THE STRIKE

NOW YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL, I WAS
THE INSTIGATOR OF THE STRIKE
IN THE FIRST PLACE.

THE INSTIGATOR OF THE STRIKE
IN THE FIRST PLACE.
WELL, AS FAR AS I'M

IN THE FIRST PLACE.
WELL, AS FAR AS I'M
CONCERNED, THE BARTENDING DEAL

WELL, AS FAR AS I'M
CONCERNED, THE BARTENDING DEAL
IS WORKING OUT BETTER FOR ME

CONCERNED, THE BARTENDING DEAL
IS WORKING OUT BETTER FOR ME
ANYWAY, YOU KNOW?

IS WORKING OUT BETTER FOR ME
ANYWAY, YOU KNOW?
I JUST MISS THE VIEW ALL THOSE

ANYWAY, YOU KNOW?
I JUST MISS THE VIEW ALL THOSE
BALLOON SMUGGLERS.

I JUST MISS THE VIEW ALL THOSE
BALLOON SMUGGLERS.
THE WHAT?

BALLOON SMUGGLERS.
THE WHAT?
THE BALLOON SMUGGLERS,

THE WHAT?
THE BALLOON SMUGGLERS,
YOU KNOW, THE GIRLS, YOU KNOW,

THE BALLOON SMUGGLERS,
YOU KNOW, THE GIRLS, YOU KNOW,
WHAT THE HELL?

YOU KNOW, THE GIRLS, YOU KNOW,
WHAT THE HELL?
I SAY WE STAY OUT.

WHAT THE HELL?
I SAY WE STAY OUT.
YOU REALLY SHOULD BE FIRED.

I SAY WE STAY OUT.
YOU REALLY SHOULD BE FIRED.
I SECOND IT.

YOU REALLY SHOULD BE FIRED.
I SECOND IT.
OK, ALL IN FAVOR THEN?

I SECOND IT.
OK, ALL IN FAVOR THEN?
All: AYE.

OK, ALL IN FAVOR THEN?
All: AYE.
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.

All: AYE.
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.
OPPOSED?

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.
OPPOSED?
NAY.

OPPOSED?
NAY.
ONE, TWO, THREE.

NAY.
ONE, TWO, THREE.
ALL RIGHT, FINE, THAT'S CARRIED.

ONE, TWO, THREE.
ALL RIGHT, FINE, THAT'S CARRIED.
ALL RIGHT, THEN WE STAY

ALL RIGHT, FINE, THAT'S CARRIED.
ALL RIGHT, THEN WE STAY
OUT ON STRIKE.

ALL RIGHT, THEN WE STAY
OUT ON STRIKE.
AND LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

OUT ON STRIKE.
AND LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
I THANK YOU FOR YOUR VOTE

AND LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
I THANK YOU FOR YOUR VOTE
OF CONFIDENCE.

I THANK YOU FOR YOUR VOTE
OF CONFIDENCE.
DAMN, BACK TO BEING A

OF CONFIDENCE.
DAMN, BACK TO BEING A
DEPARTMENT STORE SANTA.

DAMN, BACK TO BEING A
DEPARTMENT STORE SANTA.
I WOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT IT,

DEPARTMENT STORE SANTA.
I WOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT IT,
SHAMBLICE, NONE OF OUR KIDS ARE

I WOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT IT,
SHAMBLICE, NONE OF OUR KIDS ARE
GONNA SEE YOU.

SHAMBLICE, NONE OF OUR KIDS ARE
GONNA SEE YOU.
THEY'RE TOO DUMB TO FIND THE

GONNA SEE YOU.
THEY'RE TOO DUMB TO FIND THE
SECOND FLOOR.

THEY'RE TOO DUMB TO FIND THE
SECOND FLOOR.
RODNEY SINGER ISN'T.

SECOND FLOOR.
RODNEY SINGER ISN'T.
ALL RIGHT, GANG,

RODNEY SINGER ISN'T.
ALL RIGHT, GANG,
THANKS FOR THE...

ALL RIGHT, GANG,
THANKS FOR THE...
OH, LISTEN, VITO'S GONNA PASS A

THANKS FOR THE...
OH, LISTEN, VITO'S GONNA PASS A
HAT AMONG US SO WE CAN PAY FOR

OH, LISTEN, VITO'S GONNA PASS A
HAT AMONG US SO WE CAN PAY FOR
THE ROOM.

HAT AMONG US SO WE CAN PAY FOR
THE ROOM.
WHAT DO YOU SAY?

THE ROOM.
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
LET'S DIG A LITTLE DEEP HERE.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?
LET'S DIG A LITTLE DEEP HERE.
[APPLAUSE]

[♪...]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
DAVID BOWIE.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

DAVID BOWIE.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
["THE MAN WHO SOLD

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
["THE MAN WHO SOLD
THE WORLD" PLAYS]

♪ WE PASSED UPON THE STAIR,
WE SPOKE OF WAS AND WHEN ♪
♪ ALTHOUGH I WASN'T THERE,

WE SPOKE OF WAS AND WHEN ♪
♪ ALTHOUGH I WASN'T THERE,
HE SAID I WAS HIS FRIEND ♪

♪ ALTHOUGH I WASN'T THERE,
HE SAID I WAS HIS FRIEND ♪
♪ WHICH CAME AS SOME SURPRISE

HE SAID I WAS HIS FRIEND ♪
♪ WHICH CAME AS SOME SURPRISE
I SPOKE INTO HIS EYES ♪

♪ WHICH CAME AS SOME SURPRISE
I SPOKE INTO HIS EYES ♪
♪ I THOUGHT YOU DIED ALONE ♪

I SPOKE INTO HIS EYES ♪
♪ I THOUGHT YOU DIED ALONE ♪
♪ A LONG, LONG TIME AGO ♪

♪ I THOUGHT YOU DIED ALONE ♪
♪ A LONG, LONG TIME AGO ♪
♪ OH, NO, NOT ME,

♪ A LONG, LONG TIME AGO ♪
♪ OH, NO, NOT ME,
I NEVER LOST CONTROL ♪

♪ OH, NO, NOT ME,
I NEVER LOST CONTROL ♪
♪ YOU'RE FACE TO FACE

I NEVER LOST CONTROL ♪
♪ YOU'RE FACE TO FACE
WITH THE MAN WHO

♪ YOU'RE FACE TO FACE
WITH THE MAN WHO
SOLD THE WORLD ♪

WITH THE MAN WHO
SOLD THE WORLD ♪
♪ I LAUGHED AND SHOOK HIS HAND,

SOLD THE WORLD ♪
♪ I LAUGHED AND SHOOK HIS HAND,
AND MADE MY WAY BACK HOME ♪

♪ I LAUGHED AND SHOOK HIS HAND,
AND MADE MY WAY BACK HOME ♪
♪ I ROAMED FORBIDDEN LAND,

AND MADE MY WAY BACK HOME ♪
♪ I ROAMED FORBIDDEN LAND,
FOR YEARS AND YEARS I ROAMED ♪

♪ I ROAMED FORBIDDEN LAND,
FOR YEARS AND YEARS I ROAMED ♪
♪ I GAZED A GAZELY STARE

FOR YEARS AND YEARS I ROAMED ♪
♪ I GAZED A GAZELY STARE
AT ALL THE MILLIONS HERE ♪

♪ I GAZED A GAZELY STARE
AT ALL THE MILLIONS HERE ♪
♪ WE MUST HAVE DIED ALONE ♪

AT ALL THE MILLIONS HERE ♪
♪ WE MUST HAVE DIED ALONE ♪
♪ A LONG, LONG TIME AGO ♪

♪ WE MUST HAVE DIED ALONE ♪
♪ A LONG, LONG TIME AGO ♪
♪ OH, NO, NOT ME,

♪ A LONG, LONG TIME AGO ♪
♪ OH, NO, NOT ME,
WE NEVER LOST CONTROL ♪

♪ OH, NO, NOT ME,
WE NEVER LOST CONTROL ♪
♪ YOU'RE FACE TO FACE

WE NEVER LOST CONTROL ♪
♪ YOU'RE FACE TO FACE
WITH THE MAN WHO

♪ YOU'RE FACE TO FACE
WITH THE MAN WHO
SOLD THE WORLD ♪

WITH THE MAN WHO
SOLD THE WORLD ♪
♪ WHO KNOWS?

SOLD THE WORLD ♪
♪ WHO KNOWS?
NOT ME ♪

♪ WHO KNOWS?
NOT ME ♪
♪ WE NEVER LOST CONTROL ♪

NOT ME ♪
♪ WE NEVER LOST CONTROL ♪
♪ WHO KNOWS?

♪ WE NEVER LOST CONTROL ♪
♪ WHO KNOWS?
NOT ME ♪

♪ WHO KNOWS?
NOT ME ♪
♪ THE MAN WHO SOLD THE WORLD ♪

♪ OH... OH-OH-OH,
OH... OH-OH-OH ♪
♪ OH... OH-OH-OH,

OH... OH-OH-OH ♪
♪ OH... OH-OH-OH,
OH... OH-OH-OH ♪

♪ OH... OH-OH-OH,
OH... OH-OH-OH ♪
♪ OH... ♪

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: AND NOW,
"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH
"THE WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.

"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH
"THE WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.
HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS

"THE WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.
HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS
BILL MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN.

HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS
BILL MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN.
GOOD EVENING.

BILL MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN.
GOOD EVENING.
I'M JANE CURTIN,

GOOD EVENING.
I'M JANE CURTIN,
HERE NOW THE NEWS...

I'M JANE CURTIN,
HERE NOW THE NEWS...
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT:

HERE NOW THE NEWS...
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT:
REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT:
REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL
CANDIDATE RONALD REAGAN SAID

REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL
CANDIDATE RONALD REAGAN SAID
THIS MORNING THAT HE WOULD NOT

CANDIDATE RONALD REAGAN SAID
THIS MORNING THAT HE WOULD NOT
ENTER THE PUERTO RICAN PRIMARY

THIS MORNING THAT HE WOULD NOT
ENTER THE PUERTO RICAN PRIMARY
OR, FOR THAT MATTER,

ENTER THE PUERTO RICAN PRIMARY
OR, FOR THAT MATTER,
PUERTO RICO.

OR, FOR THAT MATTER,
PUERTO RICO.
"THOSE PEOPLE GIVE ME THE

PUERTO RICO.
"THOSE PEOPLE GIVE ME THE
WILLIES," REAGAN COMMENTED.

"THOSE PEOPLE GIVE ME THE
WILLIES," REAGAN COMMENTED.
[LAUGHTER]

WILLIES," REAGAN COMMENTED.
[LAUGHTER]
CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER

[LAUGHTER]
CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER
JOE CLARK LOST A VOTE OF

CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER
JOE CLARK LOST A VOTE OF
NO CONFIDENCE IN THE CANADIAN

JOE CLARK LOST A VOTE OF
NO CONFIDENCE IN THE CANADIAN
PARLIAMENT THIS WEEK.

NO CONFIDENCE IN THE CANADIAN
PARLIAMENT THIS WEEK.
EVIDENTLY, MEMBERS OF PARLIAMENT

PARLIAMENT THIS WEEK.
EVIDENTLY, MEMBERS OF PARLIAMENT
HAD BEEN COMPLAINING THAT

EVIDENTLY, MEMBERS OF PARLIAMENT
HAD BEEN COMPLAINING THAT
CLARK'S WIFE WOULDN'T SLEEP WITH

HAD BEEN COMPLAINING THAT
CLARK'S WIFE WOULDN'T SLEEP WITH
ANY OF THEM AND THERE IS TALK OF

CLARK'S WIFE WOULDN'T SLEEP WITH
ANY OF THEM AND THERE IS TALK OF
BRINGING BACK FORMER

ANY OF THEM AND THERE IS TALK OF
BRINGING BACK FORMER
PRIME MINISTER PIERRE TRUDEAU.

BRINGING BACK FORMER
PRIME MINISTER PIERRE TRUDEAU.
[LAUGHTER]

PRIME MINISTER PIERRE TRUDEAU.
[LAUGHTER]
THIS WEEK, THE NEW ENGLAND

[LAUGHTER]
THIS WEEK, THE NEW ENGLAND
JOURNAL OF MEDICINE REPORTS

THIS WEEK, THE NEW ENGLAND
JOURNAL OF MEDICINE REPORTS
THAT WOMEN WHO HAVE HAD

JOURNAL OF MEDICINE REPORTS
THAT WOMEN WHO HAVE HAD
INTERCOURSE DURING THE LAST

THAT WOMEN WHO HAVE HAD
INTERCOURSE DURING THE LAST
MONTH OF PREGNANCY HAVE HAD

INTERCOURSE DURING THE LAST
MONTH OF PREGNANCY HAVE HAD
BABIES BORN WITH INFECTIONS,

MONTH OF PREGNANCY HAVE HAD
BABIES BORN WITH INFECTIONS,
RESPIRATORY AILMENTS

BABIES BORN WITH INFECTIONS,
RESPIRATORY AILMENTS
AND JAUNDICE.

RESPIRATORY AILMENTS
AND JAUNDICE.
THE REPORT FURTHER STATES THAT

AND JAUNDICE.
THE REPORT FURTHER STATES THAT
THE CLOSER INTERCOURSE IS TO

THE REPORT FURTHER STATES THAT
THE CLOSER INTERCOURSE IS TO
THE BABY'S BIRTH, THE MORE

THE CLOSER INTERCOURSE IS TO
THE BABY'S BIRTH, THE MORE
SEVERE THE EFFECTS.

THE BABY'S BIRTH, THE MORE
SEVERE THE EFFECTS.
IN SEVERAL CASES, WHERE THE

SEVERE THE EFFECTS.
IN SEVERAL CASES, WHERE THE
MOTHER WAS SEXUALLY ACTIVE

IN SEVERAL CASES, WHERE THE
MOTHER WAS SEXUALLY ACTIVE
SHORTLY BEFORE DELIVERY, WHEN

MOTHER WAS SEXUALLY ACTIVE
SHORTLY BEFORE DELIVERY, WHEN
THE BABY WAS BORN,

SHORTLY BEFORE DELIVERY, WHEN
THE BABY WAS BORN,
IT IMMEDIATELY ASKED FOR A

THE BABY WAS BORN,
IT IMMEDIATELY ASKED FOR A
CIGARETTE AND A TOWEL. BILL?

IT IMMEDIATELY ASKED FOR A
CIGARETTE AND A TOWEL. BILL?
WELL, THE $20 MILLION RCA TV

CIGARETTE AND A TOWEL. BILL?
WELL, THE $20 MILLION RCA TV
RELAY COMMUNICATIONS SATELLITE,

WELL, THE $20 MILLION RCA TV
RELAY COMMUNICATIONS SATELLITE,
SATCOM 3, THAT WAS LOST THIS

RELAY COMMUNICATIONS SATELLITE,
SATCOM 3, THAT WAS LOST THIS
WEEK HAS BEEN FOUND BY LONNIE

SATCOM 3, THAT WAS LOST THIS
WEEK HAS BEEN FOUND BY LONNIE
WASHINGTON, AN UNEMPLOYED

WEEK HAS BEEN FOUND BY LONNIE
WASHINGTON, AN UNEMPLOYED
MAINTENANCE MAN IN HARLEM,

WASHINGTON, AN UNEMPLOYED
MAINTENANCE MAN IN HARLEM,
NEW YORK.

MAINTENANCE MAN IN HARLEM,
NEW YORK.
MR. WASHINGTON HAS EVADED

NEW YORK.
MR. WASHINGTON HAS EVADED
AUTHORITIES, CLAIMING, "THIS

MR. WASHINGTON HAS EVADED
AUTHORITIES, CLAIMING, "THIS
THING PICKS UP SO MANY STATIONS

AUTHORITIES, CLAIMING, "THIS
THING PICKS UP SO MANY STATIONS
AND PLAYS REAL LOUD, I AIN'T

THING PICKS UP SO MANY STATIONS
AND PLAYS REAL LOUD, I AIN'T
GIVING THIS SUCKER BACK

AND PLAYS REAL LOUD, I AIN'T
GIVING THIS SUCKER BACK
TO NOBODY."

GIVING THIS SUCKER BACK
TO NOBODY."
[LAUGHTER]

TO NOBODY."
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
IT'S KIND OF LONELY WHEN

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
IT'S KIND OF LONELY WHEN
THE OLD GANG'S ALL GONE,

IT'S KIND OF LONELY WHEN
THE OLD GANG'S ALL GONE,
BUT WALTER PINEL DOESN'T

THE OLD GANG'S ALL GONE,
BUT WALTER PINEL DOESN'T
SEEM TO MIND.

BUT WALTER PINEL DOESN'T
SEEM TO MIND.
HE'S THE LAST SURVIVING MEMBER

SEEM TO MIND.
HE'S THE LAST SURVIVING MEMBER
OF THE WOODSTOCK NATION, THAT

HE'S THE LAST SURVIVING MEMBER
OF THE WOODSTOCK NATION, THAT
TUMULTUOUS ROCK FESTIVAL HELD IN

OF THE WOODSTOCK NATION, THAT
TUMULTUOUS ROCK FESTIVAL HELD IN
WOODSTOCK, NEW YORK OVER

TUMULTUOUS ROCK FESTIVAL HELD IN
WOODSTOCK, NEW YORK OVER
10 YEARS AGO.

WOODSTOCK, NEW YORK OVER
10 YEARS AGO.
WALTER'S A DOCTOR NOW,

10 YEARS AGO.
WALTER'S A DOCTOR NOW,
AND ALTHOUGH HE HAS MANY FINE

WALTER'S A DOCTOR NOW,
AND ALTHOUGH HE HAS MANY FINE
MEMORIES OF WOODSTOCK,

AND ALTHOUGH HE HAS MANY FINE
MEMORIES OF WOODSTOCK,
HE CAN'T REMEMBER THEM.

MEMORIES OF WOODSTOCK,
HE CAN'T REMEMBER THEM.
TODAY, DECEMBER 15th, WAS THE

HE CAN'T REMEMBER THEM.
TODAY, DECEMBER 15th, WAS THE
EXPIRATION DATE FOR THE HALF-

TODAY, DECEMBER 15th, WAS THE
EXPIRATION DATE FOR THE HALF-
FARE AIRLINE DISCOUNT COUPONS.

EXPIRATION DATE FOR THE HALF-
FARE AIRLINE DISCOUNT COUPONS.
ONE OF THESE CUT-RATE PLANS

FARE AIRLINE DISCOUNT COUPONS.
ONE OF THESE CUT-RATE PLANS
WORKS SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

ONE OF THESE CUT-RATE PLANS
WORKS SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
SAY YOU FLEW FROM MEXICO TO

WORKS SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
SAY YOU FLEW FROM MEXICO TO
NEW YORK TO TEXAS.

SAY YOU FLEW FROM MEXICO TO
NEW YORK TO TEXAS.
WELL, FOR ONLY $5 MORE,

NEW YORK TO TEXAS.
WELL, FOR ONLY $5 MORE,
YOU COULD FLY TO PANAMA.

WELL, FOR ONLY $5 MORE,
YOU COULD FLY TO PANAMA.
WELL, THE SHAH OF IRAN DID JUST

YOU COULD FLY TO PANAMA.
WELL, THE SHAH OF IRAN DID JUST
THAT TODAY.

WELL, THE SHAH OF IRAN DID JUST
THAT TODAY.
THE SHAH IS A RICH MAN, BUT HE'S

THAT TODAY.
THE SHAH IS A RICH MAN, BUT HE'S
FRUGAL AND I LIKE THAT, REALLY.

THE SHAH IS A RICH MAN, BUT HE'S
FRUGAL AND I LIKE THAT, REALLY.
JANE?

FRUGAL AND I LIKE THAT, REALLY.
JANE?
WELL, BILL, MONEY

JANE?
WELL, BILL, MONEY
ISN'T EVERYTHING.

WELL, BILL, MONEY
ISN'T EVERYTHING.
TRY TO IMAGINE YOURSELF WITHOUT

ISN'T EVERYTHING.
TRY TO IMAGINE YOURSELF WITHOUT
A HOME, WITHOUT A COUNTRY,

TRY TO IMAGINE YOURSELF WITHOUT
A HOME, WITHOUT A COUNTRY,
AND WITHOUT A GALL BLADDER.

A HOME, WITHOUT A COUNTRY,
AND WITHOUT A GALL BLADDER.
BELIEVE ME, IT'S A DEPRESSING

AND WITHOUT A GALL BLADDER.
BELIEVE ME, IT'S A DEPRESSING
WAY TO SPEND THE HOLIDAYS.

BELIEVE ME, IT'S A DEPRESSING
WAY TO SPEND THE HOLIDAYS.
IF THERE'S AN AILING EXILED KING

WAY TO SPEND THE HOLIDAYS.
IF THERE'S AN AILING EXILED KING
IN YOUR LIFE, WHY NOT GRAB A PEN

IF THERE'S AN AILING EXILED KING
IN YOUR LIFE, WHY NOT GRAB A PEN
AND PAPER AND SEND THE SHAH A

IN YOUR LIFE, WHY NOT GRAB A PEN
AND PAPER AND SEND THE SHAH A
GET WELL CARD AT THIS ADDRESS:

AND PAPER AND SEND THE SHAH A
GET WELL CARD AT THIS ADDRESS:
POOR PAHLAVI, PANAMA CITY,

GET WELL CARD AT THIS ADDRESS:
POOR PAHLAVI, PANAMA CITY,
PANAMA.

POOR PAHLAVI, PANAMA CITY,
PANAMA.
OR JUST DROP IT OFF AT YOUR

PANAMA.
OR JUST DROP IT OFF AT YOUR
LOCAL EXXON STATION AND THEY'LL

OR JUST DROP IT OFF AT YOUR
LOCAL EXXON STATION AND THEY'LL
SEE THAT HE GETS IT.

LOCAL EXXON STATION AND THEY'LL
SEE THAT HE GETS IT.
YOU'LL BE GLAD YOU DID.

SEE THAT HE GETS IT.
YOU'LL BE GLAD YOU DID.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

YOU'LL BE GLAD YOU DID.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
THIS WEEK, THE SENATE VOTED

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
THIS WEEK, THE SENATE VOTED
OVERWHELMINGLY TO PUT AN

THIS WEEK, THE SENATE VOTED
OVERWHELMINGLY TO PUT AN
ADDITIONAL $3 MILLION IN PAPER

OVERWHELMINGLY TO PUT AN
ADDITIONAL $3 MILLION IN PAPER
CURRENCY INTO CIRCULATION.

ADDITIONAL $3 MILLION IN PAPER
CURRENCY INTO CIRCULATION.
THIS DRIVE WAS SPEARHEADED BY

CURRENCY INTO CIRCULATION.
THIS DRIVE WAS SPEARHEADED BY
SENATORS PERCY OF ILLINOIS,

THIS DRIVE WAS SPEARHEADED BY
SENATORS PERCY OF ILLINOIS,
COHEN OF MAINE, NUNN OF GEORGIA,

SENATORS PERCY OF ILLINOIS,
COHEN OF MAINE, NUNN OF GEORGIA,
AND CHILES OF FLORIDA.

COHEN OF MAINE, NUNN OF GEORGIA,
AND CHILES OF FLORIDA.
EXPECTED TO REAP IMMEDIATE

AND CHILES OF FLORIDA.
EXPECTED TO REAP IMMEDIATE
BENEFITS ARE CADILLAC DEALERS,

EXPECTED TO REAP IMMEDIATE
BENEFITS ARE CADILLAC DEALERS,
FANCY FRENCH RESTAURANTS, AND

BENEFITS ARE CADILLAC DEALERS,
FANCY FRENCH RESTAURANTS, AND
WASHINGTON AREA ESCORT SERVICES.

FANCY FRENCH RESTAURANTS, AND
WASHINGTON AREA ESCORT SERVICES.
[LAUGHTER]

WASHINGTON AREA ESCORT SERVICES.
[LAUGHTER]
THE DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY

[LAUGHTER]
THE DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY
ACCUSED MOBIL OIL CORPORATION

THE DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY
ACCUSED MOBIL OIL CORPORATION
AND THREE OTHER COMPANIES THIS

ACCUSED MOBIL OIL CORPORATION
AND THREE OTHER COMPANIES THIS
WEEK OF OVERCHARGING BY

AND THREE OTHER COMPANIES THIS
WEEK OF OVERCHARGING BY
MORE THAN $1 BILLION FOR

WEEK OF OVERCHARGING BY
MORE THAN $1 BILLION FOR
PETROLEUM PRODUCTS.

MORE THAN $1 BILLION FOR
PETROLEUM PRODUCTS.
THE ONLY VICTIM OF THE

PETROLEUM PRODUCTS.
THE ONLY VICTIM OF THE
OVERPRICING SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN

THE ONLY VICTIM OF THE
OVERPRICING SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN
MR. GARY LEONARD OF TUCSON,

OVERPRICING SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN
MR. GARY LEONARD OF TUCSON,
ARIZONA, WHO WAS CHARGED

MR. GARY LEONARD OF TUCSON,
ARIZONA, WHO WAS CHARGED
$1,000,000,017 TO HAVE THE TANK

ARIZONA, WHO WAS CHARGED
$1,000,000,017 TO HAVE THE TANK
OF HIS VEGA FILLED WITH

$1,000,000,017 TO HAVE THE TANK
OF HIS VEGA FILLED WITH
UNLEADED.

OF HIS VEGA FILLED WITH
UNLEADED.
REMARKED MR. LEONARD,

UNLEADED.
REMARKED MR. LEONARD,
"I GUESS I JUST MUST

REMARKED MR. LEONARD,
"I GUESS I JUST MUST
HAVE THE FACE OF A BIG SAP."

"I GUESS I JUST MUST
HAVE THE FACE OF A BIG SAP."
[LAUGHTER]

HAVE THE FACE OF A BIG SAP."
[LAUGHTER]
BILL?

[LAUGHTER]
BILL?
COLOMBIA'S WORST EARTHQUAKE IN

BILL?
COLOMBIA'S WORST EARTHQUAKE IN
HISTORY LEFT HUNDREDS DEAD AND

COLOMBIA'S WORST EARTHQUAKE IN
HISTORY LEFT HUNDREDS DEAD AND
THOUSANDS HOMELESS.

HISTORY LEFT HUNDREDS DEAD AND
THOUSANDS HOMELESS.
AND TO MAKE THINGS WORSE,

THOUSANDS HOMELESS.
AND TO MAKE THINGS WORSE,
HOMEOWNER HECTOR LOPEZ

AND TO MAKE THINGS WORSE,
HOMEOWNER HECTOR LOPEZ
ALSO COMPLAINED OF RAMPANT

HOMEOWNER HECTOR LOPEZ
ALSO COMPLAINED OF RAMPANT
TEENAGE VANDALISM.

ALSO COMPLAINED OF RAMPANT
TEENAGE VANDALISM.
QUOTE, "I THINK SOME KIDS CAME

TEENAGE VANDALISM.
QUOTE, "I THINK SOME KIDS CAME
IN DURING THE QUAKE AND KNOCKED

QUOTE, "I THINK SOME KIDS CAME
IN DURING THE QUAKE AND KNOCKED
OVER ALL MY FURNITURE."

IN DURING THE QUAKE AND KNOCKED
OVER ALL MY FURNITURE."
[LAUGHTER]

OVER ALL MY FURNITURE."
[LAUGHTER]
AND THE IRANIAN SCHOOL FOR

[LAUGHTER]
AND THE IRANIAN SCHOOL FOR
BOOT SALESMEN HELD ITS

AND THE IRANIAN SCHOOL FOR
BOOT SALESMEN HELD ITS
GRADUATION CEREMONIES THIS WEEK,

BOOT SALESMEN HELD ITS
GRADUATION CEREMONIES THIS WEEK,
AND THE ENTIRE CLASS WAS SNAPPED

GRADUATION CEREMONIES THIS WEEK,
AND THE ENTIRE CLASS WAS SNAPPED
UP BY SHOE STORES ALL OVER THE

AND THE ENTIRE CLASS WAS SNAPPED
UP BY SHOE STORES ALL OVER THE
MIDDLE EAST.

UP BY SHOE STORES ALL OVER THE
MIDDLE EAST.
WELL, IT'S HOLIDAY TIME AGAIN.

MIDDLE EAST.
WELL, IT'S HOLIDAY TIME AGAIN.
A LOT OF BIG MOVIES COMING OUT,

WELL, IT'S HOLIDAY TIME AGAIN.
A LOT OF BIG MOVIES COMING OUT,
TRYING TO EARN YOUR HARD-EARNED

A LOT OF BIG MOVIES COMING OUT,
TRYING TO EARN YOUR HARD-EARNED
BUCKSKIS BEFORE YOU GET A CHANCE

TRYING TO EARN YOUR HARD-EARNED
BUCKSKIS BEFORE YOU GET A CHANCE
TO SPEND 'EM ON GIFTS FOR YOUR

BUCKSKIS BEFORE YOU GET A CHANCE
TO SPEND 'EM ON GIFTS FOR YOUR
LOVED ONES.

TO SPEND 'EM ON GIFTS FOR YOUR
LOVED ONES.
LET ME TELL YOU MY OPINIONS AND

LOVED ONES.
LET ME TELL YOU MY OPINIONS AND
YOU CAN DECIDE FOR YOURSELVES

LET ME TELL YOU MY OPINIONS AND
YOU CAN DECIDE FOR YOURSELVES
WHICH ONES YOU SHOULD SEE.

YOU CAN DECIDE FOR YOURSELVES
WHICH ONES YOU SHOULD SEE.
UH, FIRST, THERE'S STAR TREK.

WHICH ONES YOU SHOULD SEE.
UH, FIRST, THERE'S STAR TREK.
DON'T BOTHER.

UH, FIRST, THERE'S STAR TREK.
DON'T BOTHER.
I WENT, I DIDN'T GET IT.

DON'T BOTHER.
I WENT, I DIDN'T GET IT.
IT'S LIKE SOMETHING FROM

I WENT, I DIDN'T GET IT.
IT'S LIKE SOMETHING FROM
OUTER SPACE.

IT'S LIKE SOMETHING FROM
OUTER SPACE.
IT'S COMPLETELY UNREALISTIC,

OUTER SPACE.
IT'S COMPLETELY UNREALISTIC,
COMPLETELY UNBELIEVABLE.

IT'S COMPLETELY UNREALISTIC,
COMPLETELY UNBELIEVABLE.
WHO DRESSES LIKE THAT?

COMPLETELY UNBELIEVABLE.
WHO DRESSES LIKE THAT?
NOBODY I KNOW.

WHO DRESSES LIKE THAT?
NOBODY I KNOW.
IT MAY HAVE BEEN A GOOD

NOBODY I KNOW.
IT MAY HAVE BEEN A GOOD
IDEA FOR TV.

IT MAY HAVE BEEN A GOOD
IDEA FOR TV.
THEY PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE

IDEA FOR TV.
THEY PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE
TRIED THAT FIRST.

THEY PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE
TRIED THAT FIRST.
UH, THE ELECTRIC HORSEMAN

TRIED THAT FIRST.
UH, THE ELECTRIC HORSEMAN
STARS REDFORD AND FONDA.

UH, THE ELECTRIC HORSEMAN
STARS REDFORD AND FONDA.
AS YOU CAN SEE HERE, UH, FONDA

STARS REDFORD AND FONDA.
AS YOU CAN SEE HERE, UH, FONDA
WEARS JEANS, REDFORD PICKS HER

AS YOU CAN SEE HERE, UH, FONDA
WEARS JEANS, REDFORD PICKS HER
UP IN THE AIR.

WEARS JEANS, REDFORD PICKS HER
UP IN THE AIR.
I THINK IT'S A NICE IDEA.

UP IN THE AIR.
I THINK IT'S A NICE IDEA.
I LIKE IT, I KIND OF LIKE IT.

I THINK IT'S A NICE IDEA.
I LIKE IT, I KIND OF LIKE IT.
CHAPTER TWO IS NEIL SIMON'S

I LIKE IT, I KIND OF LIKE IT.
CHAPTER TWO IS NEIL SIMON'S
NEW MOVIE, BUT I NEVER SAW

CHAPTER TWO IS NEIL SIMON'S
NEW MOVIE, BUT I NEVER SAW
"CHAPTER ONE."

NEW MOVIE, BUT I NEVER SAW
"CHAPTER ONE."
I THINK ANYBODY

"CHAPTER ONE."
I THINK ANYBODY
WHO GOES TO SEE CHAPTER TWO

I THINK ANYBODY
WHO GOES TO SEE CHAPTER TWO
WITHOUT SEEING "CHAPTER ONE"

WHO GOES TO SEE CHAPTER TWO
WITHOUT SEEING "CHAPTER ONE"
IS A JERK.

WITHOUT SEEING "CHAPTER ONE"
IS A JERK.
WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE JERK.

IS A JERK.
WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE JERK.
STEVE MARTIN IS A FRIEND.

WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE JERK.
STEVE MARTIN IS A FRIEND.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I WAS IN

STEVE MARTIN IS A FRIEND.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I WAS IN
THE MOVIE, BUT CUT OUT OF IT.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I WAS IN
THE MOVIE, BUT CUT OUT OF IT.
THAT DOESN'T INFLUENCE

THE MOVIE, BUT CUT OUT OF IT.
THAT DOESN'T INFLUENCE
MY OPINION.

THAT DOESN'T INFLUENCE
MY OPINION.
THE MOVIE IS A DOG.

MY OPINION.
THE MOVIE IS A DOG.
THERE'S SOMETHING MISSING.

THE MOVIE IS A DOG.
THERE'S SOMETHING MISSING.
WHO IT IS, I CAN'T SAY.

THERE'S SOMETHING MISSING.
WHO IT IS, I CAN'T SAY.
FINALLY, 1941... ONCE AGAIN,

WHO IT IS, I CAN'T SAY.
FINALLY, 1941... ONCE AGAIN,
I NEVER SAW "1940"...

FINALLY, 1941... ONCE AGAIN,
I NEVER SAW "1940"...
BUT EVERYONE IN THE NEWSPAPERS

I NEVER SAW "1940"...
BUT EVERYONE IN THE NEWSPAPERS
AND THE PRESS IS PANNING THIS

BUT EVERYONE IN THE NEWSPAPERS
AND THE PRESS IS PANNING THIS
MOVIE, SO I AM GONNA JUMP ON

AND THE PRESS IS PANNING THIS
MOVIE, SO I AM GONNA JUMP ON
THE BANDWAGON HERE.

MOVIE, SO I AM GONNA JUMP ON
THE BANDWAGON HERE.
THE STARS, IN ALPHABETICAL

THE BANDWAGON HERE.
THE STARS, IN ALPHABETICAL
ORDER, ARE NED BEATTY, CARRIE

THE STARS, IN ALPHABETICAL
ORDER, ARE NED BEATTY, CARRIE
FISHER AND CHRISTOPHER LEE.

ORDER, ARE NED BEATTY, CARRIE
FISHER AND CHRISTOPHER LEE.
AS YOU ALL KNOW, CARRIE AND

FISHER AND CHRISTOPHER LEE.
AS YOU ALL KNOW, CARRIE AND
CHRIS LEE HAVE BOTH BEEN ON

AS YOU ALL KNOW, CARRIE AND
CHRIS LEE HAVE BOTH BEEN ON
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE AND, IF YOU

CHRIS LEE HAVE BOTH BEEN ON
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE AND, IF YOU
ASK ME, THEY SHOULD NEVER HAVE

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE AND, IF YOU
ASK ME, THEY SHOULD NEVER HAVE
LEFT THE SHOW.

ASK ME, THEY SHOULD NEVER HAVE
LEFT THE SHOW.
AND, ONCE AGAIN, I DON'T GET IT.

LEFT THE SHOW.
AND, ONCE AGAIN, I DON'T GET IT.
WHAT'S SO FUNNY ABOUT

AND, ONCE AGAIN, I DON'T GET IT.
WHAT'S SO FUNNY ABOUT
KILLING JAPS?

WHAT'S SO FUNNY ABOUT
KILLING JAPS?
I DON'T GET IT.

KILLING JAPS?
I DON'T GET IT.
DIDN'T WE LEARN ANYTHING FROM

I DON'T GET IT.
DIDN'T WE LEARN ANYTHING FROM
COMING HOME, FROM DEER HUNTER,

DIDN'T WE LEARN ANYTHING FROM
COMING HOME, FROM DEER HUNTER,
FROM TAXI DRIVER?

COMING HOME, FROM DEER HUNTER,
FROM TAXI DRIVER?
WAR! HUH!

FROM TAXI DRIVER?
WAR! HUH!
WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR?

WAR! HUH!
WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR?
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR?
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
AND SO IS 1941.

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
AND SO IS 1941.
WHEN CHRIS AND CARRIE

AND SO IS 1941.
WHEN CHRIS AND CARRIE
TOLD ME THEY WERE LEAVING

WHEN CHRIS AND CARRIE
TOLD ME THEY WERE LEAVING
SATURDAY NIGHT TO DO

TOLD ME THEY WERE LEAVING
SATURDAY NIGHT TO DO
THIS MOVIE, I SAID, "WHY?

SATURDAY NIGHT TO DO
THIS MOVIE, I SAID, "WHY?
STEVE SPIELBERG IS GREAT WITH

THIS MOVIE, I SAID, "WHY?
STEVE SPIELBERG IS GREAT WITH
THE MECHANICAL SHARK AND THE

STEVE SPIELBERG IS GREAT WITH
THE MECHANICAL SHARK AND THE
FLYING SAUCER, BUT THE GUY

THE MECHANICAL SHARK AND THE
FLYING SAUCER, BUT THE GUY
WOULDN'T KNOW FUNNY IF IT BIT

FLYING SAUCER, BUT THE GUY
WOULDN'T KNOW FUNNY IF IT BIT
HIM IN THE UNDERWEAR."

WOULDN'T KNOW FUNNY IF IT BIT
HIM IN THE UNDERWEAR."
THEY WOULDN'T LISTEN, AND NOW

HIM IN THE UNDERWEAR."
THEY WOULDN'T LISTEN, AND NOW
THEY HAVE THIS CHRISTMAS TURKEY

THEY WOULDN'T LISTEN, AND NOW
THEY HAVE THIS CHRISTMAS TURKEY
ON THEIR HANDS.

THEY HAVE THIS CHRISTMAS TURKEY
ON THEIR HANDS.
AND NOW MY TWO OLD FRIENDS ARE

ON THEIR HANDS.
AND NOW MY TWO OLD FRIENDS ARE
GONNA HAVE THE MOST MISERABLE

AND NOW MY TWO OLD FRIENDS ARE
GONNA HAVE THE MOST MISERABLE
CHRISTMAS OF THEIR LIVES.

GONNA HAVE THE MOST MISERABLE
CHRISTMAS OF THEIR LIVES.
AND WE ALL KNOW THAT MORE

CHRISTMAS OF THEIR LIVES.
AND WE ALL KNOW THAT MORE
SUICIDES OCCUR AT CHRISTMAS

AND WE ALL KNOW THAT MORE
SUICIDES OCCUR AT CHRISTMAS
THAN ANY OTHER TIME.

SUICIDES OCCUR AT CHRISTMAS
THAN ANY OTHER TIME.
BUT DON'T LET THESE MOVIES SPOIL

THAN ANY OTHER TIME.
BUT DON'T LET THESE MOVIES SPOIL
YOUR HOLIDAYS.

BUT DON'T LET THESE MOVIES SPOIL
YOUR HOLIDAYS.
TAKE THE KIDS TO SEE

YOUR HOLIDAYS.
TAKE THE KIDS TO SEE
MEATBALLS AGAIN.

TAKE THE KIDS TO SEE
MEATBALLS AGAIN.
IT'S A WARM STORY.

MEATBALLS AGAIN.
IT'S A WARM STORY.
IT'S PERFECT FOR CHRISTMAS.

IT'S A WARM STORY.
IT'S PERFECT FOR CHRISTMAS.
IT'S A GOOD CAST...

IT'S PERFECT FOR CHRISTMAS.
IT'S A GOOD CAST...
HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS.

IT'S A GOOD CAST...
HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
[APPLAUSE]

HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
[APPLAUSE]
IT'S A MOVIE THAT'S GOT A LOT

[APPLAUSE]
IT'S A MOVIE THAT'S GOT A LOT
GOING FOR IT, AND HERE'S A GUY

IT'S A MOVIE THAT'S GOT A LOT
GOING FOR IT, AND HERE'S A GUY
THAT'S GOT A LOT GOING FOR HIM...

GOING FOR IT, AND HERE'S A GUY
THAT'S GOT A LOT GOING FOR HIM...
A HELL OF A LOT...

THAT'S GOT A LOT GOING FOR HIM...
A HELL OF A LOT...
FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI.

A HELL OF A LOT...
FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI.
FATHER SARDUCCI?

FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI.
FATHER SARDUCCI?
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

FATHER SARDUCCI?
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.
SOMETHING WONDERFUL HAS

THANK YOU.
SOMETHING WONDERFUL HAS
HAPPENED TO ME.

SOMETHING WONDERFUL HAS
HAPPENED TO ME.
I WAS CHOSEN TO BE THE SPOKESMAN

HAPPENED TO ME.
I WAS CHOSEN TO BE THE SPOKESMAN
FOR THIS WONDERFUL, NEW PRODUCT.

I WAS CHOSEN TO BE THE SPOKESMAN
FOR THIS WONDERFUL, NEW PRODUCT.
AND, BILL, I WANNA THANK YOU,

FOR THIS WONDERFUL, NEW PRODUCT.
AND, BILL, I WANNA THANK YOU,
BECAUSE THE REASON THEY PICKED

AND, BILL, I WANNA THANK YOU,
BECAUSE THE REASON THEY PICKED
ME WAS BECAUSE THEY SAW ME ON

BECAUSE THE REASON THEY PICKED
ME WAS BECAUSE THEY SAW ME ON
THIS SHOW.

ME WAS BECAUSE THEY SAW ME ON
THIS SHOW.
AND REALLY, FROM THE BOTTOM OF

THIS SHOW.
AND REALLY, FROM THE BOTTOM OF
MY HEART, I DO THANK YOU.

AND REALLY, FROM THE BOTTOM OF
MY HEART, I DO THANK YOU.
AND YOU KNOW, JOE DIMAGGIO DOES

MY HEART, I DO THANK YOU.
AND YOU KNOW, JOE DIMAGGIO DOES
THIS COMMERCIAL, HE'S THE

AND YOU KNOW, JOE DIMAGGIO DOES
THIS COMMERCIAL, HE'S THE
SPOKESMAN FOR SOMETHING CALLED

THIS COMMERCIAL, HE'S THE
SPOKESMAN FOR SOMETHING CALLED
MR. COFFEE.

SPOKESMAN FOR SOMETHING CALLED
MR. COFFEE.
AND I THINK THAT'S WHY THEY

MR. COFFEE.
AND I THINK THAT'S WHY THEY
WANTED ME TOO.

AND I THINK THAT'S WHY THEY
WANTED ME TOO.
THIS PRODUCT, IT'S CALLED

WANTED ME TOO.
THIS PRODUCT, IT'S CALLED
MR. TEA.

THIS PRODUCT, IT'S CALLED
MR. TEA.
[LAUGHTER]

MR. TEA.
[LAUGHTER]
AND YOU KNOW, I DON'T EVEN

[LAUGHTER]
AND YOU KNOW, I DON'T EVEN
DRINK TEA.

AND YOU KNOW, I DON'T EVEN
DRINK TEA.
AND I SAID TO 'EM, "I DON'T

DRINK TEA.
AND I SAID TO 'EM, "I DON'T
DRINK TEA."

AND I SAID TO 'EM, "I DON'T
DRINK TEA."
BUT THEY SAYS, "THAT'S OK,

DRINK TEA."
BUT THEY SAYS, "THAT'S OK,
WE WANT YOU ANYWAY."

BUT THEY SAYS, "THAT'S OK,
WE WANT YOU ANYWAY."
AND I JUST LOVE THIS PRODUCT.

WE WANT YOU ANYWAY."
AND I JUST LOVE THIS PRODUCT.
WHAT I LIKE ABOUT IT,

AND I JUST LOVE THIS PRODUCT.
WHAT I LIKE ABOUT IT,
IT'S SO SIMPLE.

WHAT I LIKE ABOUT IT,
IT'S SO SIMPLE.
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS GET, LIKE,

IT'S SO SIMPLE.
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS GET, LIKE,
A TEA CUP, A COFFEE CUP,

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS GET, LIKE,
A TEA CUP, A COFFEE CUP,
WHATEVER YOU CALL IT, AND YOU

A TEA CUP, A COFFEE CUP,
WHATEVER YOU CALL IT, AND YOU
PUT A TEABAG RIGHT INSIDE HERE.

WHATEVER YOU CALL IT, AND YOU
PUT A TEABAG RIGHT INSIDE HERE.
AND THEN, YOU PUT THE CUP...

PUT A TEABAG RIGHT INSIDE HERE.
AND THEN, YOU PUT THE CUP...
IT FITS RIGHT IN HERE.

AND THEN, YOU PUT THE CUP...
IT FITS RIGHT IN HERE.
AND THEN YOU GET HOT, BOILING

IT FITS RIGHT IN HERE.
AND THEN YOU GET HOT, BOILING
WATER, AND JUST POUR THE HOT

AND THEN YOU GET HOT, BOILING
WATER, AND JUST POUR THE HOT
WATER IN THE MR. TEA MACHINE.

WATER, AND JUST POUR THE HOT
WATER IN THE MR. TEA MACHINE.
[LAUGHTER]

WATER IN THE MR. TEA MACHINE.
[LAUGHTER]
AND AS YOU CAN SEE, THE HOT

[LAUGHTER]
AND AS YOU CAN SEE, THE HOT
WATER COMES DOWN HERE, TRICKLES

AND AS YOU CAN SEE, THE HOT
WATER COMES DOWN HERE, TRICKLES
DOWN THERE RIGHT INTO THE CUP.

WATER COMES DOWN HERE, TRICKLES
DOWN THERE RIGHT INTO THE CUP.
AND THEN, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS

DOWN THERE RIGHT INTO THE CUP.
AND THEN, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS
WAIT TWO, THREE MINUTES,

AND THEN, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS
WAIT TWO, THREE MINUTES,
AND IT'S DONE.

WAIT TWO, THREE MINUTES,
AND IT'S DONE.
AND IT DEPENDS, YOU KNOW, IF YOU

AND IT'S DONE.
AND IT DEPENDS, YOU KNOW, IF YOU
WANT IT, LIKE, REAL STRONG,

AND IT DEPENDS, YOU KNOW, IF YOU
WANT IT, LIKE, REAL STRONG,
I FOUND THAT YOU SHOULD LEAVE

WANT IT, LIKE, REAL STRONG,
I FOUND THAT YOU SHOULD LEAVE
THE TEABAG IN THERE QUITE

I FOUND THAT YOU SHOULD LEAVE
THE TEABAG IN THERE QUITE
A WHILE.

THE TEABAG IN THERE QUITE
A WHILE.
AND ALSO, IF YOU DON'T WANT IT

A WHILE.
AND ALSO, IF YOU DON'T WANT IT
STRONG, YOU CAN USE IT TWO,

AND ALSO, IF YOU DON'T WANT IT
STRONG, YOU CAN USE IT TWO,
THREE TIMES OVER AND OVER.

STRONG, YOU CAN USE IT TWO,
THREE TIMES OVER AND OVER.
SO IT'S REAL ECONOMICAL TOO.

THREE TIMES OVER AND OVER.
SO IT'S REAL ECONOMICAL TOO.
BUT ALL OF THAT IS EXPLAINED TO

SO IT'S REAL ECONOMICAL TOO.
BUT ALL OF THAT IS EXPLAINED TO
YOU IN THIS LITTLE BOOKLET YOU

BUT ALL OF THAT IS EXPLAINED TO
YOU IN THIS LITTLE BOOKLET YOU
GET FREE WITH IT.

YOU IN THIS LITTLE BOOKLET YOU
GET FREE WITH IT.
IT'S CALLED "HOW TO USE

GET FREE WITH IT.
IT'S CALLED "HOW TO USE
YOUR MR. TEA."

IT'S CALLED "HOW TO USE
YOUR MR. TEA."
BUT BASICALLY, WHAT IT IS IS YOU

YOUR MR. TEA."
BUT BASICALLY, WHAT IT IS IS YOU
SUPPLY THE TEABAG AND THE HOT

BUT BASICALLY, WHAT IT IS IS YOU
SUPPLY THE TEABAG AND THE HOT
WATER, AND MR. TEA DOES

SUPPLY THE TEABAG AND THE HOT
WATER, AND MR. TEA DOES
THE REST.

WATER, AND MR. TEA DOES
THE REST.
[LAUGHTER]

THE REST.
[LAUGHTER]
IT'S $9.95.

[LAUGHTER]
IT'S $9.95.
$9.95 AND I GET 12 CENTS FOR

IT'S $9.95.
$9.95 AND I GET 12 CENTS FOR
EVERY ONE THAT THEY SELL.

$9.95 AND I GET 12 CENTS FOR
EVERY ONE THAT THEY SELL.
AND THE MR. TEA PEOPLE, THEY

EVERY ONE THAT THEY SELL.
AND THE MR. TEA PEOPLE, THEY
SAYS THEY THINK WE'RE GONNA SELL

AND THE MR. TEA PEOPLE, THEY
SAYS THEY THINK WE'RE GONNA SELL
A WHOLE LOT FOR CHRISTMAS.

SAYS THEY THINK WE'RE GONNA SELL
A WHOLE LOT FOR CHRISTMAS.
I DID THIS CHRISTMAS COMMERCIAL

A WHOLE LOT FOR CHRISTMAS.
I DID THIS CHRISTMAS COMMERCIAL
FOR THEM.

I DID THIS CHRISTMAS COMMERCIAL
FOR THEM.
SHOWS ME MAKING MR. TEA FOR

FOR THEM.
SHOWS ME MAKING MR. TEA FOR
THESE SANTA'S ELVES.

SHOWS ME MAKING MR. TEA FOR
THESE SANTA'S ELVES.
THEY GOT THESE LITTLE MIDGET MEN

THESE SANTA'S ELVES.
THEY GOT THESE LITTLE MIDGET MEN
TO DRESS UP AS ELVES, THEY

THEY GOT THESE LITTLE MIDGET MEN
TO DRESS UP AS ELVES, THEY
DIDN'T HAVE REAL ELVES.

TO DRESS UP AS ELVES, THEY
DIDN'T HAVE REAL ELVES.
AND I THINK IT'S SOMETHING,

DIDN'T HAVE REAL ELVES.
AND I THINK IT'S SOMETHING,
YOU KNOW, ME DOING CHRISTMAS

AND I THINK IT'S SOMETHING,
YOU KNOW, ME DOING CHRISTMAS
COMMERCIALS, 'CAUSE I DON'T EVEN

YOU KNOW, ME DOING CHRISTMAS
COMMERCIALS, 'CAUSE I DON'T EVEN
LIKE CHRISTMAS.

COMMERCIALS, 'CAUSE I DON'T EVEN
LIKE CHRISTMAS.
[LAUGHTER]

LIKE CHRISTMAS.
[LAUGHTER]
IT'S NOT REALLY THAT I DON'T

[LAUGHTER]
IT'S NOT REALLY THAT I DON'T
LIKE CHRISTMAS, IT'S JUST THAT I

IT'S NOT REALLY THAT I DON'T
LIKE CHRISTMAS, IT'S JUST THAT I
DON'T LIKE IT SO OFTEN.

LIKE CHRISTMAS, IT'S JUST THAT I
DON'T LIKE IT SO OFTEN.
I'M STILL SICK OF THOSE

DON'T LIKE IT SO OFTEN.
I'M STILL SICK OF THOSE
CHRISTMAS SONGS FROM LAST YEAR

I'M STILL SICK OF THOSE
CHRISTMAS SONGS FROM LAST YEAR
AND NOW THEY'RE STARTING UP

CHRISTMAS SONGS FROM LAST YEAR
AND NOW THEY'RE STARTING UP
AGAIN ALREADY.

AND NOW THEY'RE STARTING UP
AGAIN ALREADY.
AND I REALLY THINK I COULD GET

AGAIN ALREADY.
AND I REALLY THINK I COULD GET
BEHIND CHRISTMAS IF IT WAS LIKE,

AND I REALLY THINK I COULD GET
BEHIND CHRISTMAS IF IT WAS LIKE,
SAY, EVERY OTHER YEAR.

BEHIND CHRISTMAS IF IT WAS LIKE,
SAY, EVERY OTHER YEAR.
YOU KNOW, THEN IT WOULD BE,

SAY, EVERY OTHER YEAR.
YOU KNOW, THEN IT WOULD BE,
LIKE, EXCITING AND THAT.

YOU KNOW, THEN IT WOULD BE,
LIKE, EXCITING AND THAT.
AND I HAVE THIS IDEA.

LIKE, EXCITING AND THAT.
AND I HAVE THIS IDEA.
MAYBE THE AMERICAN PEOPLE WOULD

AND I HAVE THIS IDEA.
MAYBE THE AMERICAN PEOPLE WOULD
LIKE TO SUPPORT ME ON THIS.

MAYBE THE AMERICAN PEOPLE WOULD
LIKE TO SUPPORT ME ON THIS.
IT'S SOMETHING CALLED "BIG

LIKE TO SUPPORT ME ON THIS.
IT'S SOMETHING CALLED "BIG
CHRISTMAS, LITTLE CHRISTMAS."

IT'S SOMETHING CALLED "BIG
CHRISTMAS, LITTLE CHRISTMAS."
AND THE IDEA IS THAT EVERY OTHER

CHRISTMAS, LITTLE CHRISTMAS."
AND THE IDEA IS THAT EVERY OTHER
YEAR, YOU WOULD CELEBRATE BIG,

AND THE IDEA IS THAT EVERY OTHER
YEAR, YOU WOULD CELEBRATE BIG,
JUST LIKE NORMAL ON

YEAR, YOU WOULD CELEBRATE BIG,
JUST LIKE NORMAL ON
EVEN-NUMBERED YEARS.

JUST LIKE NORMAL ON
EVEN-NUMBERED YEARS.
BUT ON ODD-NUMBERED YEARS,

EVEN-NUMBERED YEARS.
BUT ON ODD-NUMBERED YEARS,
LIKE THIS YEAR, 1979, IT'S

BUT ON ODD-NUMBERED YEARS,
LIKE THIS YEAR, 1979, IT'S
ODD NUMBER, AND IT'S WHAT

LIKE THIS YEAR, 1979, IT'S
ODD NUMBER, AND IT'S WHAT
I CALL "A LITTLE CHRISTMAS".

ODD NUMBER, AND IT'S WHAT
I CALL "A LITTLE CHRISTMAS".
AND THE IDEA IS THAT YOU WOULD,

I CALL "A LITTLE CHRISTMAS".
AND THE IDEA IS THAT YOU WOULD,
YOU KNOW, CHRISTMAS SONGS

AND THE IDEA IS THAT YOU WOULD,
YOU KNOW, CHRISTMAS SONGS
WOULD BE JUST ONLY CHRISTMAS

YOU KNOW, CHRISTMAS SONGS
WOULD BE JUST ONLY CHRISTMAS
DAY, MAYBE CHRISTMAS EVE,

WOULD BE JUST ONLY CHRISTMAS
DAY, MAYBE CHRISTMAS EVE,
AND GIFTS NOT FOR EVERYBODY,

DAY, MAYBE CHRISTMAS EVE,
AND GIFTS NOT FOR EVERYBODY,
JUST IMMEDIATE FAMILY ONLY

AND GIFTS NOT FOR EVERYBODY,
JUST IMMEDIATE FAMILY ONLY
AND THE RULE IS ONE GIFT

JUST IMMEDIATE FAMILY ONLY
AND THE RULE IS ONE GIFT
PER PERSON, THAT'S IT.

AND THE RULE IS ONE GIFT
PER PERSON, THAT'S IT.
AND THE GIFTS TOO SHOULD BE

PER PERSON, THAT'S IT.
AND THE GIFTS TOO SHOULD BE
VERY INEXPENSIVE.

AND THE GIFTS TOO SHOULD BE
VERY INEXPENSIVE.
I THINK MAYBE WE SHOULD SET A

VERY INEXPENSIVE.
I THINK MAYBE WE SHOULD SET A
LIMIT, SAY, NO GIFTS MORE

I THINK MAYBE WE SHOULD SET A
LIMIT, SAY, NO GIFTS MORE
THAN $10, THAT'S THE RULE.

LIMIT, SAY, NO GIFTS MORE
THAN $10, THAT'S THE RULE.
SO, I WANNA WISH ALL OF YOU

THAN $10, THAT'S THE RULE.
SO, I WANNA WISH ALL OF YOU
A VERY MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS,

SO, I WANNA WISH ALL OF YOU
A VERY MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS,
OR AS WE SAY IN ITALIAN,

A VERY MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS,
OR AS WE SAY IN ITALIAN,
A BON PICCOLO NATALE.

OR AS WE SAY IN ITALIAN,
A BON PICCOLO NATALE.
[APPLAUSE]

A BON PICCOLO NATALE.
[APPLAUSE]
THAT'S THE NEWS.

[APPLAUSE]
THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE

THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE
A PLEASANT TOMORROW.

GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE
A PLEASANT TOMORROW.
[APPLAUSE]

♪ THIS IS THE END ♪
♪ BEAUTIFUL FRIEND ♪
♪ THIS IS THE END... ♪

♪ BEAUTIFUL FRIEND ♪
♪ THIS IS THE END... ♪
Man [THINKING]: HOLLYWOOD.

♪ THIS IS THE END... ♪
Man [THINKING]: HOLLYWOOD.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M STILL

Man [THINKING]: HOLLYWOOD.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M STILL
IN HOLLYWOOD.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M STILL
IN HOLLYWOOD.
I'VE BEEN HERE 48 HOURS NOW

IN HOLLYWOOD.
I'VE BEEN HERE 48 HOURS NOW
AND I'M BORED OUTTA MY MIND,

I'VE BEEN HERE 48 HOURS NOW
AND I'M BORED OUTTA MY MIND,
SITTING IN MY HOTEL ROOM

AND I'M BORED OUTTA MY MIND,
SITTING IN MY HOTEL ROOM
LISTENING TO THE SAME DOORS

SITTING IN MY HOTEL ROOM
LISTENING TO THE SAME DOORS
TAPE, WAITING TO TAKE

LISTENING TO THE SAME DOORS
TAPE, WAITING TO TAKE
A MEETING.

TAPE, WAITING TO TAKE
A MEETING.
UNITED ARTISTS HAD FLOWN ME

A MEETING.
UNITED ARTISTS HAD FLOWN ME
IN FROM NEW YORK.

UNITED ARTISTS HAD FLOWN ME
IN FROM NEW YORK.
THEY SAID THEY HAD A REAL

IN FROM NEW YORK.
THEY SAID THEY HAD A REAL
CHOICE ASSIGNMENT FOR ME.

THEY SAID THEY HAD A REAL
CHOICE ASSIGNMENT FOR ME.
AND WHEN IT WAS OVER, I'D WANNA

CHOICE ASSIGNMENT FOR ME.
AND WHEN IT WAS OVER, I'D WANNA
GET OUTTA THE BUSINESS.

AND WHEN IT WAS OVER, I'D WANNA
GET OUTTA THE BUSINESS.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

GET OUTTA THE BUSINESS.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
YEAH?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
YEAH?
JOSH, JOSH.

YEAH?
JOSH, JOSH.
HERB CARP, UNITED ARTISTS.

JOSH, JOSH.
HERB CARP, UNITED ARTISTS.
GOOD TO SEE YOU.

HERB CARP, UNITED ARTISTS.
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
HI, HERB, GOOD TO SEE YOU.

GOOD TO SEE YOU.
HI, HERB, GOOD TO SEE YOU.
JOSH CAIN, THIS IS LYNN

HI, HERB, GOOD TO SEE YOU.
JOSH CAIN, THIS IS LYNN
MEMILY, MY ASSISTANT... LYNN,

JOSH CAIN, THIS IS LYNN
MEMILY, MY ASSISTANT... LYNN,
JOSH CAIN.

MEMILY, MY ASSISTANT... LYNN,
JOSH CAIN.
IT'S A PLEASURE.

JOSH CAIN.
IT'S A PLEASURE.
WHY DON'T I JUST

IT'S A PLEASURE.
WHY DON'T I JUST
SET UP THE TAPE? >> GOOD IDEA.

WHY DON'T I JUST
SET UP THE TAPE? >> GOOD IDEA.
JOSH, THE PROJECT WE'RE GONNA

SET UP THE TAPE? >> GOOD IDEA.
JOSH, THE PROJECT WE'RE GONNA
TALK ABOUT TODAY IS KINDA

JOSH, THE PROJECT WE'RE GONNA
TALK ABOUT TODAY IS KINDA
SPECIAL SO I THOUGHT MAYBE

TALK ABOUT TODAY IS KINDA
SPECIAL SO I THOUGHT MAYBE
INSTEAD OF TAKING THE MEETING AT

SPECIAL SO I THOUGHT MAYBE
INSTEAD OF TAKING THE MEETING AT
THE OFFICE WE'D TAKE IT HERE.

INSTEAD OF TAKING THE MEETING AT
THE OFFICE WE'D TAKE IT HERE.
SURE, SIT DOWN.

THE OFFICE WE'D TAKE IT HERE.
SURE, SIT DOWN.
YOU MIND TELLING ME WHAT

SURE, SIT DOWN.
YOU MIND TELLING ME WHAT
THIS IS ALL ABOUT?

YOU MIND TELLING ME WHAT
THIS IS ALL ABOUT?
JOSH, YOU EVER HEARD OF

THIS IS ALL ABOUT?
JOSH, YOU EVER HEARD OF
FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA?

JOSH, YOU EVER HEARD OF
FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA?
[LAUGHTER]

FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA?
[LAUGHTER]
I'VE HEARD THE NAME.

[LAUGHTER]
I'VE HEARD THE NAME.
FRANCIS WAS ONE OF OUR

I'VE HEARD THE NAME.
FRANCIS WAS ONE OF OUR
FINEST DIRECTORS.

FRANCIS WAS ONE OF OUR
FINEST DIRECTORS.
HE WAS ABSOLUTELY ONE

FINEST DIRECTORS.
HE WAS ABSOLUTELY ONE
OF THE BEST.

HE WAS ABSOLUTELY ONE
OF THE BEST.
WAS?

OF THE BEST.
WAS?
COPPOLA'S OUT IN THE

WAS?
COPPOLA'S OUT IN THE
PHILIPPINES MAKING A FILM FOR US

COPPOLA'S OUT IN THE
PHILIPPINES MAKING A FILM FOR US
CALLED APOCALYPSE NOW.

PHILIPPINES MAKING A FILM FOR US
CALLED APOCALYPSE NOW.
[CHUCKLES] IT'S A STRANGE

CALLED APOCALYPSE NOW.
[CHUCKLES] IT'S A STRANGE
TITLE FOR A MOVIE, ISN'T IT?

[CHUCKLES] IT'S A STRANGE
TITLE FOR A MOVIE, ISN'T IT?
YEAH, WE WANT HIM

TITLE FOR A MOVIE, ISN'T IT?
YEAH, WE WANT HIM
TO CHANGE IT.

YEAH, WE WANT HIM
TO CHANGE IT.
HEY, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF

TO CHANGE IT.
HEY, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF
"NEVER SAY RETREAT"?

HEY, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF
"NEVER SAY RETREAT"?
"NEVER SAY RETREAT"?

"NEVER SAY RETREAT"?
"NEVER SAY RETREAT"?
I LIKE IT.

"NEVER SAY RETREAT"?
I LIKE IT.
THANK YOU, HONEY.

I LIKE IT.
THANK YOU, HONEY.
JOSH, WHEN A DIRECTOR IS OUT

THANK YOU, HONEY.
JOSH, WHEN A DIRECTOR IS OUT
ON LOCATION, THINGS HAPPEN.

JOSH, WHEN A DIRECTOR IS OUT
ON LOCATION, THINGS HAPPEN.
UH... HE STARTS REWRITING AND

ON LOCATION, THINGS HAPPEN.
UH... HE STARTS REWRITING AND
IMPROVISING, HE LOSES ALL SENSE

UH... HE STARTS REWRITING AND
IMPROVISING, HE LOSES ALL SENSE
OF REALITY, HE GOES...

IMPROVISING, HE LOSES ALL SENSE
OF REALITY, HE GOES...
HE GOES OVER BUDGET.

OF REALITY, HE GOES...
HE GOES OVER BUDGET.
COPPOLA'S SURROUNDED BY

HE GOES OVER BUDGET.
COPPOLA'S SURROUNDED BY
A PRODUCTION CREW WHO WORSHIP

COPPOLA'S SURROUNDED BY
A PRODUCTION CREW WHO WORSHIP
HIM LIKE A GOD.

A PRODUCTION CREW WHO WORSHIP
HIM LIKE A GOD.
THEY FOLLOW HIS EVERY ORDER,

HIM LIKE A GOD.
THEY FOLLOW HIS EVERY ORDER,
NO MATTER HOW RIDICULOUS.

THEY FOLLOW HIS EVERY ORDER,
NO MATTER HOW RIDICULOUS.
AND NO MATTER HOW

NO MATTER HOW RIDICULOUS.
AND NO MATTER HOW
MUCH IT COSTS.

AND NO MATTER HOW
MUCH IT COSTS.
THE ORIGINAL BUDGET WAS

MUCH IT COSTS.
THE ORIGINAL BUDGET WAS
$2 MILLION.

THE ORIGINAL BUDGET WAS
$2 MILLION.
THE LAST WE HEARD HE WAS UP

$2 MILLION.
THE LAST WE HEARD HE WAS UP
TO 30... I MEAN, WHO KNOWS?

THE LAST WE HEARD HE WAS UP
TO 30... I MEAN, WHO KNOWS?
LYNNIE, HONEY, WOULD YOU PLAY

TO 30... I MEAN, WHO KNOWS?
LYNNIE, HONEY, WOULD YOU PLAY
THE CASSETTE FOR US?

LYNNIE, HONEY, WOULD YOU PLAY
THE CASSETTE FOR US?
GREAT.

THE CASSETTE FOR US?
GREAT.
NOW, THIS IS THE MOST RECENT

GREAT.
NOW, THIS IS THE MOST RECENT
RECORDING OF COPPOLA.

NOW, THIS IS THE MOST RECENT
RECORDING OF COPPOLA.
IT'S OF LAST YEAR'S

RECORDING OF COPPOLA.
IT'S OF LAST YEAR'S
OSCAR CEREMONY.

IT'S OF LAST YEAR'S
OSCAR CEREMONY.
Coppola: I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY

OSCAR CEREMONY.
Coppola: I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY
THAT THE FILM INDUSTRY, WHAT

Coppola: I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY
THAT THE FILM INDUSTRY, WHAT
WE CALL FILMING IS GONNA GO

THAT THE FILM INDUSTRY, WHAT
WE CALL FILMING IS GONNA GO
INTO SUCH GREAT CHANGES IN THE

WE CALL FILMING IS GONNA GO
INTO SUCH GREAT CHANGES IN THE
'80s, BUT IT'S GONNA MAKE THE

INTO SUCH GREAT CHANGES IN THE
'80s, BUT IT'S GONNA MAKE THE
INDUSTRIAL REVOLUTION LOOK LIKE

'80s, BUT IT'S GONNA MAKE THE
INDUSTRIAL REVOLUTION LOOK LIKE
LAST NIGHT'S TORTONI.

INDUSTRIAL REVOLUTION LOOK LIKE
LAST NIGHT'S TORTONI.
I MEAN, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT

LAST NIGHT'S TORTONI.
I MEAN, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT
SAND LIGHTS AND VIDEO DISCS,

I MEAN, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT
SAND LIGHTS AND VIDEO DISCS,
LASER STEREOS, HUGE, HUGE

SAND LIGHTS AND VIDEO DISCS,
LASER STEREOS, HUGE, HUGE
EXTENSION CORDS...

LASER STEREOS, HUGE, HUGE
EXTENSION CORDS...
Josh [THINKING]: AS I

EXTENSION CORDS...
Josh [THINKING]: AS I
LISTENED TO HIS RAMBLING,

Josh [THINKING]: AS I
LISTENED TO HIS RAMBLING,
INCOHERENT SPEECH, IT ALL BECAME

LISTENED TO HIS RAMBLING,
INCOHERENT SPEECH, IT ALL BECAME
CLEAR: COPPOLA WAS QUITE

INCOHERENT SPEECH, IT ALL BECAME
CLEAR: COPPOLA WAS QUITE
COMPLETELY INSANE.

CLEAR: COPPOLA WAS QUITE
COMPLETELY INSANE.
[LAUGHTER]

COMPLETELY INSANE.
[LAUGHTER]
Herb: HONEY, TURN IT OFF.

[LAUGHTER]
Herb: HONEY, TURN IT OFF.
JOSH, EVERY MAN HAS

Herb: HONEY, TURN IT OFF.
JOSH, EVERY MAN HAS
HIS BREAKING POINT.

JOSH, EVERY MAN HAS
HIS BREAKING POINT.
COPPOLA'S REACHED HIS.

HIS BREAKING POINT.
COPPOLA'S REACHED HIS.
HIS IDEAS AND METHODS ARE...

COPPOLA'S REACHED HIS.
HIS IDEAS AND METHODS ARE...
WELL, THEY'RE UNSOUND.

HIS IDEAS AND METHODS ARE...
WELL, THEY'RE UNSOUND.
HE'S OUT THERE ON LOCATION,

WELL, THEY'RE UNSOUND.
HE'S OUT THERE ON LOCATION,
OPERATING WITHOUT ANY

HE'S OUT THERE ON LOCATION,
OPERATING WITHOUT ANY
HUMAN RESTRAINT.

OPERATING WITHOUT ANY
HUMAN RESTRAINT.
YOUR JOB IS TO GO TO THE

HUMAN RESTRAINT.
YOUR JOB IS TO GO TO THE
PHILIPPINES, FIND COPPOLA,

YOUR JOB IS TO GO TO THE
PHILIPPINES, FIND COPPOLA,
AND TERMINATE PRODUCTION

PHILIPPINES, FIND COPPOLA,
AND TERMINATE PRODUCTION
OF THIS FILM.

AND TERMINATE PRODUCTION
OF THIS FILM.
[LAUGHTER]

OF THIS FILM.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU MEAN PULL THE PLUG?

[LAUGHTER]
YOU MEAN PULL THE PLUG?
PULL THE PLUG WITH

YOU MEAN PULL THE PLUG?
PULL THE PLUG WITH
EXTREME PREJUDICE.

PULL THE PLUG WITH
EXTREME PREJUDICE.
YES, SIR.

EXTREME PREJUDICE.
YES, SIR.
HONEY, THE MAN'S GOT SOME

YES, SIR.
HONEY, THE MAN'S GOT SOME
THINKING TO DO.

HONEY, THE MAN'S GOT SOME
THINKING TO DO.
LET'S GO.

THINKING TO DO.
LET'S GO.
Lynn: RIGHT.

LET'S GO.
Lynn: RIGHT.
OH, JOSH?

Lynn: RIGHT.
OH, JOSH?
YES, SIR?

OH, JOSH?
YES, SIR?
ONE MORE THING...

YES, SIR?
ONE MORE THING...
WHEN YOU GET BACK,

ONE MORE THING...
WHEN YOU GET BACK,
LET'S HAVE LUNCH.

WHEN YOU GET BACK,
LET'S HAVE LUNCH.
YES, SIR.

LET'S HAVE LUNCH.
YES, SIR.
[LAUGHTER]

YES, SIR.
[LAUGHTER]
I LEFT THE NEXT MORNING

[LAUGHTER]
I LEFT THE NEXT MORNING
VIA CHARTERED JET FOR MANILA.

I LEFT THE NEXT MORNING
VIA CHARTERED JET FOR MANILA.
IT WAS A TRIP OF 8,000 MILES.

VIA CHARTERED JET FOR MANILA.
IT WAS A TRIP OF 8,000 MILES.
AND MY FLIGHT TOOK ME OVER

IT WAS A TRIP OF 8,000 MILES.
AND MY FLIGHT TOOK ME OVER
THE PACIFIC... AN ENDLESS EXPANSE

AND MY FLIGHT TOOK ME OVER
THE PACIFIC... AN ENDLESS EXPANSE
OF OCEAN THAT SEEMED TO LEAD

THE PACIFIC... AN ENDLESS EXPANSE
OF OCEAN THAT SEEMED TO LEAD
TO JUST ONE THING: COPPOLA.

OF OCEAN THAT SEEMED TO LEAD
TO JUST ONE THING: COPPOLA.
IT WAS A LONG FLIGHT

TO JUST ONE THING: COPPOLA.
IT WAS A LONG FLIGHT
BUT UNITED ARTISTS HAD GIVEN ME

IT WAS A LONG FLIGHT
BUT UNITED ARTISTS HAD GIVEN ME
THEIR DOSSIER ON COPPOLA

BUT UNITED ARTISTS HAD GIVEN ME
THEIR DOSSIER ON COPPOLA
SO I HAD PLENTY OF READING

THEIR DOSSIER ON COPPOLA
SO I HAD PLENTY OF READING
TO DO.

SO I HAD PLENTY OF READING
TO DO.
HE HAD AN AMAZING CAREER...

TO DO.
HE HAD AN AMAZING CAREER...
ALMOST TOO AMAZING.

HE HAD AN AMAZING CAREER...
ALMOST TOO AMAZING.
WHEN HE STARTED OUT,

ALMOST TOO AMAZING.
WHEN HE STARTED OUT,
HE WAS A STUDIO'S DREAM.

WHEN HE STARTED OUT,
HE WAS A STUDIO'S DREAM.
HE BROUGHT IN PICTURES AHEAD

HE WAS A STUDIO'S DREAM.
HE BROUGHT IN PICTURES AHEAD
OF SCHEDULE AND UNDER BUDGET...

HE BROUGHT IN PICTURES AHEAD
OF SCHEDULE AND UNDER BUDGET...
THE GODFATHER: MADE IN THREE

OF SCHEDULE AND UNDER BUDGET...
THE GODFATHER: MADE IN THREE
WEEKS FOR A COST OF $35,000

THE GODFATHER: MADE IN THREE
WEEKS FOR A COST OF $35,000
THEN GODFATHER 2: $15,000.

WEEKS FOR A COST OF $35,000
THEN GODFATHER 2: $15,000.
BUT WHEN HE STARTED TO WORK

THEN GODFATHER 2: $15,000.
BUT WHEN HE STARTED TO WORK
ON APOCALYPSE NOW,

BUT WHEN HE STARTED TO WORK
ON APOCALYPSE NOW,
ALL THAT CHANGED.

ON APOCALYPSE NOW,
ALL THAT CHANGED.
COPPOLA HAD BEEN IN THE JUNGLE

ALL THAT CHANGED.
COPPOLA HAD BEEN IN THE JUNGLE
SIX MONTHS WHEN THE BILLS

COPPOLA HAD BEEN IN THE JUNGLE
SIX MONTHS WHEN THE BILLS
STARTED COMING IN AT

SIX MONTHS WHEN THE BILLS
STARTED COMING IN AT
THE STUDIO... AN INVOICE FROM

STARTED COMING IN AT
THE STUDIO... AN INVOICE FROM
BELL AVIATION FOR BLOWING UP

THE STUDIO... AN INVOICE FROM
BELL AVIATION FOR BLOWING UP
800 HELICOPTERS: $4.5 MILLION;

BELL AVIATION FOR BLOWING UP
800 HELICOPTERS: $4.5 MILLION;
THE CAMBODIAN MINISTRY OF THE

800 HELICOPTERS: $4.5 MILLION;
THE CAMBODIAN MINISTRY OF THE
INTERIOR, FOR BLOWING UP FIFTH

THE CAMBODIAN MINISTRY OF THE
INTERIOR, FOR BLOWING UP FIFTH
CENTURY TEMPLE: $7 MILLION;

INTERIOR, FOR BLOWING UP FIFTH
CENTURY TEMPLE: $7 MILLION;
THE PHILIPPINE ARMY CORPS OF

CENTURY TEMPLE: $7 MILLION;
THE PHILIPPINE ARMY CORPS OF
ENGINEERS, FOR BUILDING

THE PHILIPPINE ARMY CORPS OF
ENGINEERS, FOR BUILDING
SUBTERRANEAN CITY: $11 MILLION;

ENGINEERS, FOR BUILDING
SUBTERRANEAN CITY: $11 MILLION;
MANILA DEMOLITION, FOR BLOWING

SUBTERRANEAN CITY: $11 MILLION;
MANILA DEMOLITION, FOR BLOWING
UP SUBTERRANEAN CITY, $1.5

MANILA DEMOLITION, FOR BLOWING
UP SUBTERRANEAN CITY, $1.5
MILLION, AND SO ON AND SO ON.

UP SUBTERRANEAN CITY, $1.5
MILLION, AND SO ON AND SO ON.
NO WONDER THEY WANTED

MILLION, AND SO ON AND SO ON.
NO WONDER THEY WANTED
THIS GUY STOPPED.

NO WONDER THEY WANTED
THIS GUY STOPPED.
WHEN I GOT TO MANILA,

THIS GUY STOPPED.
WHEN I GOT TO MANILA,
I WAS HIT WITH SOME BAD NEWS.

WHEN I GOT TO MANILA,
I WAS HIT WITH SOME BAD NEWS.
A TROPICAL STORM HAD WASHED OUT

I WAS HIT WITH SOME BAD NEWS.
A TROPICAL STORM HAD WASHED OUT
ALL THE ROADS TO THE

A TROPICAL STORM HAD WASHED OUT
ALL THE ROADS TO THE
SHOOTING LOCATION.

ALL THE ROADS TO THE
SHOOTING LOCATION.
THE ONLY ROUTE LEFT WAS THE

SHOOTING LOCATION.
THE ONLY ROUTE LEFT WAS THE
RIVER, AND COPPOLA HAD RENTED

THE ONLY ROUTE LEFT WAS THE
RIVER, AND COPPOLA HAD RENTED
EVERY BOAT IN THE COUNTRY, ALL

RIVER, AND COPPOLA HAD RENTED
EVERY BOAT IN THE COUNTRY, ALL
EXCEPT ONE.

EVERY BOAT IN THE COUNTRY, ALL
EXCEPT ONE.
MY COMPANION ON THE TRIP WAS THE

EXCEPT ONE.
MY COMPANION ON THE TRIP WAS THE
UNITED ARTISTS DISTRIBUTOR FOR

MY COMPANION ON THE TRIP WAS THE
UNITED ARTISTS DISTRIBUTOR FOR
SOUTHEAST ASIA, HERBERT RICE.

UNITED ARTISTS DISTRIBUTOR FOR
SOUTHEAST ASIA, HERBERT RICE.
THE STUDIO HAD KEPT HIM IN THE

SOUTHEAST ASIA, HERBERT RICE.
THE STUDIO HAD KEPT HIM IN THE
DARK ABOUT COPPOLA, AND HE

THE STUDIO HAD KEPT HIM IN THE
DARK ABOUT COPPOLA, AND HE
WASN'T TOO HAPPY ABOUT IT.

DARK ABOUT COPPOLA, AND HE
WASN'T TOO HAPPY ABOUT IT.
WHERE ARE WE GOING?

WASN'T TOO HAPPY ABOUT IT.
WHERE ARE WE GOING?
I DEMAND TO KNOW WHERE WE ARE

WHERE ARE WE GOING?
I DEMAND TO KNOW WHERE WE ARE
GOING NOW.

I DEMAND TO KNOW WHERE WE ARE
GOING NOW.
WE'RE GOING UPRIVER, THAT'S

GOING NOW.
WE'RE GOING UPRIVER, THAT'S
ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW.

WE'RE GOING UPRIVER, THAT'S
ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW.
HEY, MAN, LOOK, I DON'T HAVE

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW.
HEY, MAN, LOOK, I DON'T HAVE
TO DO THIS, NOW!

HEY, MAN, LOOK, I DON'T HAVE
TO DO THIS, NOW!
I AM A FILM DISTRIBUTOR.

TO DO THIS, NOW!
I AM A FILM DISTRIBUTOR.
MY JOB IS TO GET THE POSTERS UP,

I AM A FILM DISTRIBUTOR.
MY JOB IS TO GET THE POSTERS UP,
GET THE AD IN THE PAPER AND MAKE

MY JOB IS TO GET THE POSTERS UP,
GET THE AD IN THE PAPER AND MAKE
SURE SOMEBODY'S ANSWERING

GET THE AD IN THE PAPER AND MAKE
SURE SOMEBODY'S ANSWERING
THAT PHONE.

SURE SOMEBODY'S ANSWERING
THAT PHONE.
NOW, I GOT EVERYBODY ON

THAT PHONE.
NOW, I GOT EVERYBODY ON
MY BACK ASKING ME,

NOW, I GOT EVERYBODY ON
MY BACK ASKING ME,
"WHERE IS APOCALYPSE NOW?

MY BACK ASKING ME,
"WHERE IS APOCALYPSE NOW?
WHAT'S THAT MAN COPPOLA DOING?

"WHERE IS APOCALYPSE NOW?
WHAT'S THAT MAN COPPOLA DOING?
IT'S BEEN THREE YEARS."

WHAT'S THAT MAN COPPOLA DOING?
IT'S BEEN THREE YEARS."
COMING HOME'S OUT,

IT'S BEEN THREE YEARS."
COMING HOME'S OUT,
DEER HUNTER'S OUT,

COMING HOME'S OUT,
DEER HUNTER'S OUT,
ALL THE VIETNAM FILMS ARE OUT.

DEER HUNTER'S OUT,
ALL THE VIETNAM FILMS ARE OUT.
MAN, IT'S EMBARRASSING,

ALL THE VIETNAM FILMS ARE OUT.
MAN, IT'S EMBARRASSING,
ESPECIALLY HERE IN SOUTHEAST

MAN, IT'S EMBARRASSING,
ESPECIALLY HERE IN SOUTHEAST
ASIA, MAN.

ESPECIALLY HERE IN SOUTHEAST
ASIA, MAN.
LOOK, IF IT HADN'T BEEN FOR

ASIA, MAN.
LOOK, IF IT HADN'T BEEN FOR
ROCKY, MAN, I'D HAVE LOST ALL

LOOK, IF IT HADN'T BEEN FOR
ROCKY, MAN, I'D HAVE LOST ALL
MY PEOPLE... THEATERS IN BURMA.

ROCKY, MAN, I'D HAVE LOST ALL
MY PEOPLE... THEATERS IN BURMA.
Josh [THINKING]: THE DAY WE

MY PEOPLE... THEATERS IN BURMA.
Josh [THINKING]: THE DAY WE
LEFT MANILA, I RECEIVED A

Josh [THINKING]: THE DAY WE
LEFT MANILA, I RECEIVED A
MESSAGE FROM THE STUDIO WITH A

LEFT MANILA, I RECEIVED A
MESSAGE FROM THE STUDIO WITH A
VERY INTERESTING ITEM.

MESSAGE FROM THE STUDIO WITH A
VERY INTERESTING ITEM.
EVIDENTLY, I WASN'T THE FIRST

VERY INTERESTING ITEM.
EVIDENTLY, I WASN'T THE FIRST
AX MAN THEY HAD SENT TO

EVIDENTLY, I WASN'T THE FIRST
AX MAN THEY HAD SENT TO
STOP COPPOLA.

AX MAN THEY HAD SENT TO
STOP COPPOLA.
GARY KREPPS, ONE OF THE STUDIO'S

STOP COPPOLA.
GARY KREPPS, ONE OF THE STUDIO'S
MOST FEARED EXECUTIVES, HAD GONE

GARY KREPPS, ONE OF THE STUDIO'S
MOST FEARED EXECUTIVES, HAD GONE
IN THREE MONTHS BEFORE.

MOST FEARED EXECUTIVES, HAD GONE
IN THREE MONTHS BEFORE.
THERE'D BEEN NO WORD UNTIL A

IN THREE MONTHS BEFORE.
THERE'D BEEN NO WORD UNTIL A
WEEK AGO WHEN HIS FAMILY

THERE'D BEEN NO WORD UNTIL A
WEEK AGO WHEN HIS FAMILY
RECEIVED THIS LETTER:

WEEK AGO WHEN HIS FAMILY
RECEIVED THIS LETTER:
"SELL THE MERCEDES, SELL THE

RECEIVED THIS LETTER:
"SELL THE MERCEDES, SELL THE
JACUZZI, DRAIN THE POOL.

"SELL THE MERCEDES, SELL THE
JACUZZI, DRAIN THE POOL.
FORGET IT, I'M NOT COMING BACK."

JACUZZI, DRAIN THE POOL.
FORGET IT, I'M NOT COMING BACK."
I KNEW COPPOLA WAS CLOSE NOW,

FORGET IT, I'M NOT COMING BACK."
I KNEW COPPOLA WAS CLOSE NOW,
REAL CLOSE.

I KNEW COPPOLA WAS CLOSE NOW,
REAL CLOSE.
LOOK AROUND THE BEND, IT'S

REAL CLOSE.
LOOK AROUND THE BEND, IT'S
THE APOCALYPSE SET, MAN!

LOOK AROUND THE BEND, IT'S
THE APOCALYPSE SET, MAN!
[BIRDS SCREECH]

THE APOCALYPSE SET, MAN!
[BIRDS SCREECH]
Josh [THINKING]: AND THERE IT

[BIRDS SCREECH]
Josh [THINKING]: AND THERE IT
WAS, THE MOST EXPENSIVE,

Josh [THINKING]: AND THERE IT
WAS, THE MOST EXPENSIVE,
REALISTIC SET IN MOVIE HISTORY.

WAS, THE MOST EXPENSIVE,
REALISTIC SET IN MOVIE HISTORY.
EVIDENTLY, WE HAD ARRIVED

REALISTIC SET IN MOVIE HISTORY.
EVIDENTLY, WE HAD ARRIVED
AT LUNCHTIME.

EVIDENTLY, WE HAD ARRIVED
AT LUNCHTIME.
[LAUGHS] CAN YOU

AT LUNCHTIME.
[LAUGHS] CAN YOU
BELIEVE BRANDO?

[LAUGHS] CAN YOU
BELIEVE BRANDO?
WE ARE TALKING 600 POUNDS.

BELIEVE BRANDO?
WE ARE TALKING 600 POUNDS.
TELL ME ABOUT IT.

WE ARE TALKING 600 POUNDS.
TELL ME ABOUT IT.
THE VIETCONG COULD LAST SIX

TELL ME ABOUT IT.
THE VIETCONG COULD LAST SIX
MONTHS ON WHAT HE JUST

THE VIETCONG COULD LAST SIX
MONTHS ON WHAT HE JUST
HAD FOR BREAKFAST.

MONTHS ON WHAT HE JUST
HAD FOR BREAKFAST.
YOU SAID IT.

HAD FOR BREAKFAST.
YOU SAID IT.
UH, EXCUSE ME, DOES ANYBODY

YOU SAID IT.
UH, EXCUSE ME, DOES ANYBODY
KNOW WHERE I CAN FIND FRANCIS

UH, EXCUSE ME, DOES ANYBODY
KNOW WHERE I CAN FIND FRANCIS
FORD COPPOLA?

KNOW WHERE I CAN FIND FRANCIS
FORD COPPOLA?
I'VE GOT TO TALK TO HIM.

FORD COPPOLA?
I'VE GOT TO TALK TO HIM.
OOH, YOU DON'T TALK

I'VE GOT TO TALK TO HIM.
OOH, YOU DON'T TALK
TO FRANCIS.

OOH, YOU DON'T TALK
TO FRANCIS.
YOU TAKE DIRECTION FROM FRANCIS.

TO FRANCIS.
YOU TAKE DIRECTION FROM FRANCIS.
NEVER MIND THAT.

YOU TAKE DIRECTION FROM FRANCIS.
NEVER MIND THAT.
WHERE CAN I FIND HIM?

NEVER MIND THAT.
WHERE CAN I FIND HIM?
WELL... HE MIGHT BE OVER AT

WHERE CAN I FIND HIM?
WELL... HE MIGHT BE OVER AT
THE FULL-SCALE REPLICA OF OZ.

WELL... HE MIGHT BE OVER AT
THE FULL-SCALE REPLICA OF OZ.
YOU IDIOT!

THE FULL-SCALE REPLICA OF OZ.
YOU IDIOT!
THAT WAS BLOWN UP A WEEK AGO.

YOU IDIOT!
THAT WAS BLOWN UP A WEEK AGO.
OH, YEAH?

THAT WAS BLOWN UP A WEEK AGO.
OH, YEAH?
OH... HEY, KREPPS!

OH, YEAH?
OH... HEY, KREPPS!
JOSH, JOSH CAIN,

OH... HEY, KREPPS!
JOSH, JOSH CAIN,
HOW THE HELL ARE YOU?

JOSH, JOSH CAIN,
HOW THE HELL ARE YOU?
I'M OK.

HOW THE HELL ARE YOU?
I'M OK.
YOU'RE THE GUY THE STUDIO

I'M OK.
YOU'RE THE GUY THE STUDIO
SENT OUT... WHAT HAPPENED?

YOU'RE THE GUY THE STUDIO
SENT OUT... WHAT HAPPENED?
OH, GEEZ, I'M GREAT.

SENT OUT... WHAT HAPPENED?
OH, GEEZ, I'M GREAT.
I MEAN, WORKING WITH FRANCIS

OH, GEEZ, I'M GREAT.
I MEAN, WORKING WITH FRANCIS
HERE HAS BEEN ONE OF THE MOST

I MEAN, WORKING WITH FRANCIS
HERE HAS BEEN ONE OF THE MOST
REWARDING EXPERIENCES OF

HERE HAS BEEN ONE OF THE MOST
REWARDING EXPERIENCES OF
MY LIFE.

REWARDING EXPERIENCES OF
MY LIFE.
YOU KNOW, I CAME OUT HERE TO

MY LIFE.
YOU KNOW, I CAME OUT HERE TO
CLIP HIS WINGS BUT HE LIKED THE

YOU KNOW, I CAME OUT HERE TO
CLIP HIS WINGS BUT HE LIKED THE
WAY I READ HIS CONTRACT SO MUCH

CLIP HIS WINGS BUT HE LIKED THE
WAY I READ HIS CONTRACT SO MUCH
THAT HE PUT ME INTO A COUPLE OF

WAY I READ HIS CONTRACT SO MUCH
THAT HE PUT ME INTO A COUPLE OF
SCENES AND ONE THING LED TO

THAT HE PUT ME INTO A COUPLE OF
SCENES AND ONE THING LED TO
ANOTHER AND...

SCENES AND ONE THING LED TO
ANOTHER AND...
WELL, TO MAKE A LONG STORY

ANOTHER AND...
WELL, TO MAKE A LONG STORY
SHORT, BE LOOKING FOR THIS GUY

WELL, TO MAKE A LONG STORY
SHORT, BE LOOKING FOR THIS GUY
IN THE UNDERGROUND CITY SCENE,

SHORT, BE LOOKING FOR THIS GUY
IN THE UNDERGROUND CITY SCENE,
OK?

IN THE UNDERGROUND CITY SCENE,
OK?
I MEAN, WE HAD BUILT THIS

OK?
I MEAN, WE HAD BUILT THIS
INCREDIBLE SUBTERRANEAN CITY AND

I MEAN, WE HAD BUILT THIS
INCREDIBLE SUBTERRANEAN CITY AND
WE BLEW IT UP, OF COURSE, BUT

INCREDIBLE SUBTERRANEAN CITY AND
WE BLEW IT UP, OF COURSE, BUT
I'M ALL OVER IT.

WE BLEW IT UP, OF COURSE, BUT
I'M ALL OVER IT.
I MEAN, IT'S MY SCENE.

I'M ALL OVER IT.
I MEAN, IT'S MY SCENE.
I'M REALLY EXCITED.

I MEAN, IT'S MY SCENE.
I'M REALLY EXCITED.
HEY... I HEARD THAT

I'M REALLY EXCITED.
HEY... I HEARD THAT
SCENE WAS CUT.

HEY... I HEARD THAT
SCENE WAS CUT.
NO! NO!

SCENE WAS CUT.
NO! NO!
YEAH.

NO! NO!
YEAH.
WELL, NEVER MIND ABOUT THAT.

YEAH.
WELL, NEVER MIND ABOUT THAT.
WHERE THE HELL IS COPPOLA?

WELL, NEVER MIND ABOUT THAT.
WHERE THE HELL IS COPPOLA?
OH, HE'S PROBABLY TRYING TO

WHERE THE HELL IS COPPOLA?
OH, HE'S PROBABLY TRYING TO
GET BRANDO OUT OF HIS TRAILER.

OH, HE'S PROBABLY TRYING TO
GET BRANDO OUT OF HIS TRAILER.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, BRANDO

GET BRANDO OUT OF HIS TRAILER.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, BRANDO
WON'T COME OUT OF HIS TRAILER?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, BRANDO
WON'T COME OUT OF HIS TRAILER?
OH, DON'T WORRY, THEY'LL DO

WON'T COME OUT OF HIS TRAILER?
OH, DON'T WORRY, THEY'LL DO
IT JUST LIKE LAST WEEK.

OH, DON'T WORRY, THEY'LL DO
IT JUST LIKE LAST WEEK.
THEY JUST HAVE TO TAKE

IT JUST LIKE LAST WEEK.
THEY JUST HAVE TO TAKE
THE DOOR OFF.

THEY JUST HAVE TO TAKE
THE DOOR OFF.
[FAINT CHATTERING]

THE DOOR OFF.
[FAINT CHATTERING]
ALL RIGHT, WE'RE OUT NOW.

[FAINT CHATTERING]
ALL RIGHT, WE'RE OUT NOW.
RELAX, WE GOT YOU OUT.

ALL RIGHT, WE'RE OUT NOW.
RELAX, WE GOT YOU OUT.
OK, NOW, LOOK, I PROMISE YOU

RELAX, WE GOT YOU OUT.
OK, NOW, LOOK, I PROMISE YOU
WE'LL GET YOU A BIGGER TRAILER.

OK, NOW, LOOK, I PROMISE YOU
WE'LL GET YOU A BIGGER TRAILER.
I'LL GET YOU ONE OF THOSE GENIE

WE'LL GET YOU A BIGGER TRAILER.
I'LL GET YOU ONE OF THOSE GENIE
AUTOMATED GARAGE OPENERS.

I'LL GET YOU ONE OF THOSE GENIE
AUTOMATED GARAGE OPENERS.
YOU'LL BE IN AND OUT,

AUTOMATED GARAGE OPENERS.
YOU'LL BE IN AND OUT,
NO PROBLEM.

YOU'LL BE IN AND OUT,
NO PROBLEM.
WHY DON'T YOU GET A BITE?

NO PROBLEM.
WHY DON'T YOU GET A BITE?
YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL, MARLON,

WHY DON'T YOU GET A BITE?
YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL, MARLON,
YOU KNOW THAT?

YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL, MARLON,
YOU KNOW THAT?
YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL, YOU ARE.

YOU KNOW THAT?
YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL, YOU ARE.
WHY DON'T YOU GO GET A BITE?

YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL, YOU ARE.
WHY DON'T YOU GO GET A BITE?
I'LL TALK TO MY STAFF ABOUT HOW

WHY DON'T YOU GO GET A BITE?
I'LL TALK TO MY STAFF ABOUT HOW
TO SHOOT THIS NEXT STUFF, OK?

I'LL TALK TO MY STAFF ABOUT HOW
TO SHOOT THIS NEXT STUFF, OK?
THANK YOU.

TO SHOOT THIS NEXT STUFF, OK?
THANK YOU.
Josh [THINKING]: THERE HE

THANK YOU.
Josh [THINKING]: THERE HE
WAS, JUST WHAT I'D EXPECTED.

Josh [THINKING]: THERE HE
WAS, JUST WHAT I'D EXPECTED.
AND I WONDERED IF I WAS

WAS, JUST WHAT I'D EXPECTED.
AND I WONDERED IF I WAS
WHAT HE EXPECTED.

AND I WONDERED IF I WAS
WHAT HE EXPECTED.
MR. COPPOLA, I'VE GOT TO TALK

WHAT HE EXPECTED.
MR. COPPOLA, I'VE GOT TO TALK
TO YOU, SIR.

MR. COPPOLA, I'VE GOT TO TALK
TO YOU, SIR.
UH, IN A MINUTE, HUH?

TO YOU, SIR.
UH, IN A MINUTE, HUH?
NOT RIGHT NOW.

UH, IN A MINUTE, HUH?
NOT RIGHT NOW.
SO STAY HERE, THOUGH.

NOT RIGHT NOW.
SO STAY HERE, THOUGH.
PHIL? JANINE, ANDREA?

SO STAY HERE, THOUGH.
PHIL? JANINE, ANDREA?
ANYBODY, SOMEBODY...

PHIL? JANINE, ANDREA?
ANYBODY, SOMEBODY...
HI, LOOK, WE CAN'T GET AWAY WITH

ANYBODY, SOMEBODY...
HI, LOOK, WE CAN'T GET AWAY WITH
THE LIGHTING ON MARLON FOREVER.

HI, LOOK, WE CAN'T GET AWAY WITH
THE LIGHTING ON MARLON FOREVER.
I MEAN, HE LOOKS WEIRD.

THE LIGHTING ON MARLON FOREVER.
I MEAN, HE LOOKS WEIRD.
HE LOOKS LIKE UNCLE FESTER,

I MEAN, HE LOOKS WEIRD.
HE LOOKS LIKE UNCLE FESTER,
YOU KNOW.

HE LOOKS LIKE UNCLE FESTER,
YOU KNOW.
FRANCIS, LISTEN, PHIL AND I

YOU KNOW.
FRANCIS, LISTEN, PHIL AND I
HAD AN IDEA.

FRANCIS, LISTEN, PHIL AND I
HAD AN IDEA.
LET'S SAY THE TRIBESMEN LOVE HIM

HAD AN IDEA.
LET'S SAY THE TRIBESMEN LOVE HIM
SO MUCH THAT AT ALL TIMES, THEY

LET'S SAY THE TRIBESMEN LOVE HIM
SO MUCH THAT AT ALL TIMES, THEY
FORM A HUMAN SHIELD AROUND HIM.

SO MUCH THAT AT ALL TIMES, THEY
FORM A HUMAN SHIELD AROUND HIM.
COME ON, PHIL, LET'S SHOW HIM.

FORM A HUMAN SHIELD AROUND HIM.
COME ON, PHIL, LET'S SHOW HIM.
OK, OK, OK, LET'S SAY,

COME ON, PHIL, LET'S SHOW HIM.
OK, OK, OK, LET'S SAY,
FRANCIS, YOU'RE BRANDO, OK?

OK, OK, OK, LET'S SAY,
FRANCIS, YOU'RE BRANDO, OK?
SEE, HUH, YEAH, YEAH...

FRANCIS, YOU'RE BRANDO, OK?
SEE, HUH, YEAH, YEAH...
JUST LIKE THIS.

SEE, HUH, YEAH, YEAH...
JUST LIKE THIS.
WITH JUST HIS HEAD POKING

JUST LIKE THIS.
WITH JUST HIS HEAD POKING
OUT, YOU GOT IT?

WITH JUST HIS HEAD POKING
OUT, YOU GOT IT?
A HUMAN SHIELD.

OUT, YOU GOT IT?
A HUMAN SHIELD.
UM... YEAH.

A HUMAN SHIELD.
UM... YEAH.
OH, OH, WAIT, UM, WHAT ABOUT

UM... YEAH.
OH, OH, WAIT, UM, WHAT ABOUT
THIS: LET'S SAY THAT, UH, FOR

OH, OH, WAIT, UM, WHAT ABOUT
THIS: LET'S SAY THAT, UH, FOR
WHATEVER REASON, WHENEVER MARLON

THIS: LET'S SAY THAT, UH, FOR
WHATEVER REASON, WHENEVER MARLON
RECEIVES VISITORS, HE'S ALWAYS

WHATEVER REASON, WHENEVER MARLON
RECEIVES VISITORS, HE'S ALWAYS
IN A PIT BURIED UP TO HIS NECK

RECEIVES VISITORS, HE'S ALWAYS
IN A PIT BURIED UP TO HIS NECK
IN THE SAND? >> MMM...

IN A PIT BURIED UP TO HIS NECK
IN THE SAND? >> MMM...
NO, I KNOW.

IN THE SAND? >> MMM...
NO, I KNOW.
OK, LISTEN, THE, UH, PLANES

NO, I KNOW.
OK, LISTEN, THE, UH, PLANES
SPRAYED A FOLIAGE, SO HE'S

OK, LISTEN, THE, UH, PLANES
SPRAYED A FOLIAGE, SO HE'S
ALWAYS STANDING IN A PILE OF

SPRAYED A FOLIAGE, SO HE'S
ALWAYS STANDING IN A PILE OF
DEAD LEAVES, OK, WITH JUST HIS

ALWAYS STANDING IN A PILE OF
DEAD LEAVES, OK, WITH JUST HIS
HEAD STICKING OUT.

DEAD LEAVES, OK, WITH JUST HIS
HEAD STICKING OUT.
OR HOW ABOUT IN A PILE OF

HEAD STICKING OUT.
OR HOW ABOUT IN A PILE OF
DEAD BODIES?

OR HOW ABOUT IN A PILE OF
DEAD BODIES?
OH, NO, THEN MAYBE HE'D

DEAD BODIES?
OH, NO, THEN MAYBE HE'D
LOOK DEAD.

OH, NO, THEN MAYBE HE'D
LOOK DEAD.
WELL, WHATEVER IT IS, DON'T

LOOK DEAD.
WELL, WHATEVER IT IS, DON'T
YOU THINK WE SHOULD MAKE A

WELL, WHATEVER IT IS, DON'T
YOU THINK WE SHOULD MAKE A
DECISION SOON?

YOU THINK WE SHOULD MAKE A
DECISION SOON?
WELL, WOULDN'T IT BE LESS

DECISION SOON?
WELL, WOULDN'T IT BE LESS
TROUBLE TO SHOOT IT EVERY WAY

WELL, WOULDN'T IT BE LESS
TROUBLE TO SHOOT IT EVERY WAY
AND THEN TO DECIDE LATER?

TROUBLE TO SHOOT IT EVERY WAY
AND THEN TO DECIDE LATER?
I'M AFRAID YOU WON'T BE DOING

AND THEN TO DECIDE LATER?
I'M AFRAID YOU WON'T BE DOING
ANYMORE SHOOTING, MR. COPPOLA.

I'M AFRAID YOU WON'T BE DOING
ANYMORE SHOOTING, MR. COPPOLA.
I REPRESENT UNITED ARTISTS AND

ANYMORE SHOOTING, MR. COPPOLA.
I REPRESENT UNITED ARTISTS AND
I'M AUTHORIZED TO TERMINATE YOUR

I REPRESENT UNITED ARTISTS AND
I'M AUTHORIZED TO TERMINATE YOUR
PRODUCTION IMMEDIATELY.

I'M AUTHORIZED TO TERMINATE YOUR
PRODUCTION IMMEDIATELY.
BUT, UH, IT'S NOT FINISHED.

PRODUCTION IMMEDIATELY.
BUT, UH, IT'S NOT FINISHED.
YOU KNOW, FRANCIS, I WAS IN

BUT, UH, IT'S NOT FINISHED.
YOU KNOW, FRANCIS, I WAS IN
THE EDITING ROOM LAST NIGHT.

YOU KNOW, FRANCIS, I WAS IN
THE EDITING ROOM LAST NIGHT.
WE HAVE ENOUGH FOOTAGE TO CUT

THE EDITING ROOM LAST NIGHT.
WE HAVE ENOUGH FOOTAGE TO CUT
TOGETHER SEVERAL DIFFERENT

WE HAVE ENOUGH FOOTAGE TO CUT
TOGETHER SEVERAL DIFFERENT
VERSIONS OF THE FILM.

TOGETHER SEVERAL DIFFERENT
VERSIONS OF THE FILM.
BUT I HAVE NO ENDING!

VERSIONS OF THE FILM.
BUT I HAVE NO ENDING!
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE

BUT I HAVE NO ENDING!
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE
FILM IS YET.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE
FILM IS YET.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO

FILM IS YET.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO
CONCEPTUALIZE MY ENDING WHEN I

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO
CONCEPTUALIZE MY ENDING WHEN I
DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FILM IS?

CONCEPTUALIZE MY ENDING WHEN I
DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FILM IS?
THE FACT IS, COPPOLA, YOU

DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FILM IS?
THE FACT IS, COPPOLA, YOU
DON'T HAVE ANY CHOICE.

THE FACT IS, COPPOLA, YOU
DON'T HAVE ANY CHOICE.
TO PREVENT YOU AND YOUR CREW

DON'T HAVE ANY CHOICE.
TO PREVENT YOU AND YOUR CREW
FROM, FROM INCURRING ANY MORE

TO PREVENT YOU AND YOUR CREW
FROM, FROM INCURRING ANY MORE
DEBTS IN THE NAME OF UNITED

FROM, FROM INCURRING ANY MORE
DEBTS IN THE NAME OF UNITED
ARTISTS, WE'VE ORDERED AN

DEBTS IN THE NAME OF UNITED
ARTISTS, WE'VE ORDERED AN
IMMEDIATE B-52 AIR STRIKE ON

ARTISTS, WE'VE ORDERED AN
IMMEDIATE B-52 AIR STRIKE ON
THIS SET. >> WHAT?

IMMEDIATE B-52 AIR STRIKE ON
THIS SET. >> WHAT?
FRANCIS, THAT'S NOT BAD.

THIS SET. >> WHAT?
FRANCIS, THAT'S NOT BAD.
WE NEVER THOUGHT OF BLOWING UP

FRANCIS, THAT'S NOT BAD.
WE NEVER THOUGHT OF BLOWING UP
THE SET.

WE NEVER THOUGHT OF BLOWING UP
THE SET.
YOU KNOW, WE OUGHT TO GET THIS

THE SET.
YOU KNOW, WE OUGHT TO GET THIS
ON FILM.

YOU KNOW, WE OUGHT TO GET THIS
ON FILM.
YEAH... A B-52 STRIKE.

ON FILM.
YEAH... A B-52 STRIKE.
THAT'S IT, THAT'S IT!

YEAH... A B-52 STRIKE.
THAT'S IT, THAT'S IT!
MY ENDING... ONE OF MY ENDINGS!

THAT'S IT, THAT'S IT!
MY ENDING... ONE OF MY ENDINGS!
WHEN IS THE STRIKE?

MY ENDING... ONE OF MY ENDINGS!
WHEN IS THE STRIKE?
IN ABOUT 10 SECONDS.

WHEN IS THE STRIKE?
IN ABOUT 10 SECONDS.
ALL RIGHT... WE'RE GONNA DO

IN ABOUT 10 SECONDS.
ALL RIGHT... WE'RE GONNA DO
THIS FAST, EVERYBODY.

ALL RIGHT... WE'RE GONNA DO
THIS FAST, EVERYBODY.
OK, ROLL CAMERAS, GIVE ME SOUND

THIS FAST, EVERYBODY.
OK, ROLL CAMERAS, GIVE ME SOUND
AND SPEED... OK.

OK, ROLL CAMERAS, GIVE ME SOUND
AND SPEED... OK.
ACTION AND INCOMING!

AND SPEED... OK.
ACTION AND INCOMING!
INCOMING!

ACTION AND INCOMING!
INCOMING!
[EXPLOSIONS]

INCOMING!
[EXPLOSIONS]
♪ THIS IS THE END,

[EXPLOSIONS]
♪ THIS IS THE END,
BEAUTIFUL FRIEND ♪

♪ THIS IS THE END,
BEAUTIFUL FRIEND ♪
[APPLAUSE]

ONCE AGAIN, DAVID BOWIE.
[APPLAUSE, DRUMSTICKS COUNT OFF]
["TVC15" PLAYS]

[APPLAUSE, DRUMSTICKS COUNT OFF]
["TVC15" PLAYS]
♪ OH, OH, OH, OH, OH ♪

["TVC15" PLAYS]
♪ OH, OH, OH, OH, OH ♪
♪ OH, OH, OH, OH, OH ♪

♪ OH, OH, OH, OH, OH ♪
♪ OH, OH, OH, OH, OH ♪
♪ OH, OH, OH, OH, OH ♪

♪ OH, OH, OH, OH, OH ♪
♪ OH, OH, OH, OH, OH ♪
♪ OH, OH, OH, OH, OH ♪

♪ OH, OH, OH, OH, OH ♪
♪ OH, OH, OH, OH, OH ♪
♪ OH, OH, OH, OH, OH ♪

♪ OH, OH, OH, OH, OH ♪
♪ OH, OH, OH, OH, OH ♪
♪ OH, OH, OH, OH, OH ♪

♪ OH, OH, OH, OH, OH ♪
♪ OH, OH, OH, OH, OH ♪
♪ UP EVERY EVENING 'BOUT

♪ OH, OH, OH, OH, OH ♪
♪ UP EVERY EVENING 'BOUT
HALF EIGHT OR NINE ♪

♪ UP EVERY EVENING 'BOUT
HALF EIGHT OR NINE ♪
♪ I GIVE MY COMPLETE ATTENTION

HALF EIGHT OR NINE ♪
♪ I GIVE MY COMPLETE ATTENTION
TO A VERY GOOD FRIEND OF MINE ♪

♪ I GIVE MY COMPLETE ATTENTION
TO A VERY GOOD FRIEND OF MINE ♪
♪ HE'S QUADRAPHONIC,

TO A VERY GOOD FRIEND OF MINE ♪
♪ HE'S QUADRAPHONIC,
HE'S GOT FOUR CHANNELS ♪

♪ HE'S QUADRAPHONIC,
HE'S GOT FOUR CHANNELS ♪
♪ SO HOLOGRAMIC, OH, MY TVC15 ♪

HE'S GOT FOUR CHANNELS ♪
♪ SO HOLOGRAMIC, OH, MY TVC15 ♪
♪ I BROUGHT MY BABY HOME,

♪ SO HOLOGRAMIC, OH, MY TVC15 ♪
♪ I BROUGHT MY BABY HOME,
SHE SAT AROUND FORLORN ♪

♪ I BROUGHT MY BABY HOME,
SHE SAT AROUND FORLORN ♪
♪ SHE SAW MY TVC15,

SHE SAT AROUND FORLORN ♪
♪ SHE SAW MY TVC15,
BABY, SHE'S GONE ♪

♪ SHE SAW MY TVC15,
BABY, SHE'S GONE ♪
♪ SHE JUMPED RIGHT IN, YEAH ♪

BABY, SHE'S GONE ♪
♪ SHE JUMPED RIGHT IN, YEAH ♪
♪ SHE JUMPED RIGHT IN, YEAH ♪

♪ SHE JUMPED RIGHT IN, YEAH ♪
♪ SHE JUMPED RIGHT IN, YEAH ♪
♪ SO HOLOGRAMIC, OH, MY TVC15 ♪

♪ SHE JUMPED RIGHT IN, YEAH ♪
♪ SO HOLOGRAMIC, OH, MY TVC15 ♪
♪ OH, SO DEMONIC, OH, MY TVC15 ♪

♪ SO HOLOGRAMIC, OH, MY TVC15 ♪
♪ OH, SO DEMONIC, OH, MY TVC15 ♪
♪ TRANSITION ♪

♪ OH, SO DEMONIC, OH, MY TVC15 ♪
♪ TRANSITION ♪
♪ TRANSMISSION ♪

♪ TRANSITION ♪
♪ TRANSMISSION ♪
♪ TRANSITION ♪

♪ TRANSMISSION ♪
♪ TRANSITION ♪
♪ TRANSMISSION ♪

♪ TRANSITION ♪
♪ TRANSMISSION ♪
♪ OH, MY TVC15 ♪

♪ TRANSMISSION ♪
♪ OH, MY TVC15 ♪
♪ OH, OH, TVC15 ♪

♪ OH, MY TVC15 ♪
♪ OH, OH, TVC15 ♪
♪ OH, MY TVC15 ♪

♪ OH, OH, TVC15 ♪
♪ OH, MY TVC15 ♪
♪ OH, OH, TVC15 ♪

♪ OH, MY TVC15 ♪
♪ OH, OH, TVC15 ♪
♪ MAYBE IF I PRAY EVERY,

♪ OH, OH, TVC15 ♪
♪ MAYBE IF I PRAY EVERY,
EACH NIGHT I SIT

♪ MAYBE IF I PRAY EVERY,
EACH NIGHT I SIT
THERE PLEADING ♪

EACH NIGHT I SIT
THERE PLEADING ♪
♪ "SEND BACK MY DREAM TEST BABY,

THERE PLEADING ♪
♪ "SEND BACK MY DREAM TEST BABY,
SHE'S MY MAIN

♪ "SEND BACK MY DREAM TEST BABY,
SHE'S MY MAIN
CREATURE FEATURE" ♪

SHE'S MY MAIN
CREATURE FEATURE" ♪
♪ MY TVC15, YEAH,

CREATURE FEATURE" ♪
♪ MY TVC15, YEAH,
HE JUST STARES BACK UNBLINKING ♪

♪ MY TVC15, YEAH,
HE JUST STARES BACK UNBLINKING ♪
♪ SO HOLOGRAMIC, OH, MY TVC15 ♪

HE JUST STARES BACK UNBLINKING ♪
♪ SO HOLOGRAMIC, OH, MY TVC15 ♪
♪ ONE OF THESE DAYS I MAY JUST

♪ SO HOLOGRAMIC, OH, MY TVC15 ♪
♪ ONE OF THESE DAYS I MAY JUST
JUMP DOWN THAT RAINBOW WAY ♪

♪ ONE OF THESE DAYS I MAY JUST
JUMP DOWN THAT RAINBOW WAY ♪
♪ BE WITH MY BABY, THEN WE'LL,

JUMP DOWN THAT RAINBOW WAY ♪
♪ BE WITH MY BABY, THEN WE'LL,
WE'LL SPEND SOME TIME TOGETHER ♪

♪ BE WITH MY BABY, THEN WE'LL,
WE'LL SPEND SOME TIME TOGETHER ♪
♪ SO HOLOGRAMIC, OH, MY TVC15 ♪

WE'LL SPEND SOME TIME TOGETHER ♪
♪ SO HOLOGRAMIC, OH, MY TVC15 ♪
♪ I KNOW SHE'S IN

♪ SO HOLOGRAMIC, OH, MY TVC15 ♪
♪ I KNOW SHE'S IN
THERE SOMEPLACE ♪

♪ I KNOW SHE'S IN
THERE SOMEPLACE ♪
♪ LOVE'S HALO IN THE SKY ♪

THERE SOMEPLACE ♪
♪ LOVE'S HALO IN THE SKY ♪
♪ SO HOLOGRAMIC, OH, MY TVC15 ♪

♪ LOVE'S HALO IN THE SKY ♪
♪ SO HOLOGRAMIC, OH, MY TVC15 ♪
♪ TRANSITION ♪

♪ SO HOLOGRAMIC, OH, MY TVC15 ♪
♪ TRANSITION ♪
♪ TRANSMISSION ♪

♪ TRANSITION ♪
♪ TRANSMISSION ♪
♪ TRANSITION ♪

♪ TRANSMISSION ♪
♪ TRANSITION ♪
♪ TRANSMISSION ♪

♪ TRANSITION ♪
♪ TRANSMISSION ♪
♪ OH, MY TVC15 ♪

♪ TRANSMISSION ♪
♪ OH, MY TVC15 ♪
♪ OH, OH, TVC15 ♪

♪ OH, MY TVC15 ♪
♪ OH, OH, TVC15 ♪
♪ OH, MY TVC15 ♪

♪ OH, OH, TVC15 ♪
♪ OH, MY TVC15 ♪
♪ OH, OH, TVC15 ♪

♪ OH, MY TVC15 ♪
♪ OH, OH, TVC15 ♪
♪ OH, MY TVC15 ♪

♪ OH, OH, TVC15 ♪
♪ OH, MY TVC15 ♪
♪ OH, OH, TVC15 ♪

♪ OH, MY TVC15 ♪
♪ OH, OH, TVC15 ♪
♪ OH, MY TVC15 ♪

♪ OH, OH, TVC15 ♪
♪ OH, MY TVC15 ♪
♪ OH, OH, TVC15 ♪

♪ OH, MY TVC15 ♪
♪ OH, OH, TVC15 ♪
♪ OH, MY TVC15 ♪

♪ OH, OH, TVC15 ♪
♪ OH, MY TVC15 ♪
♪ TVC15 ♪

♪ OH, MY TVC15 ♪
♪ TVC15 ♪
♪ OH, MY TVC15 ♪

♪ TVC15 ♪
♪ OH, MY TVC15 ♪
♪ OH, OH, OH, TVC15 ♪

♪ OH, MY TVC15 ♪
♪ OH, OH, OH, TVC15 ♪
♪ OH, MY TVC15 ♪

♪ OH, OH, OH, TVC15 ♪
♪ OH, MY TVC15 ♪
♪ OH, OH, OH ♪

♪ OH, MY TVC15 ♪
♪ OH, OH, OH ♪
♪ OH, OH, OH ♪

♪ OH, OH, OH ♪
♪ OH, OH, OH ♪
♪ OH, OH, OH... ♪

♪ OH, OH, OH ♪
♪ OH, OH, OH... ♪
[♪...]

♪ OH, OH, OH... ♪
[♪...]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE,

[♪...]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE,
MUSIC ENDS]

Chorus: ♪ YOU WERE
MY FIRST LOVE... ♪
Man: FIRST LOVE...

MY FIRST LOVE... ♪
Man: FIRST LOVE...
THE GROPING, THE FEELING, THE

Man: FIRST LOVE...
THE GROPING, THE FEELING, THE
DIPPING... THE NERVOUS QUALITY

THE GROPING, THE FEELING, THE
DIPPING... THE NERVOUS QUALITY
OF IT ALL.

DIPPING... THE NERVOUS QUALITY
OF IT ALL.
WILL HE LIKE ME?

OF IT ALL.
WILL HE LIKE ME?
DID SHE NOTICE ME?

WILL HE LIKE ME?
DID SHE NOTICE ME?
WILL HE ASK ME AGAIN?

DID SHE NOTICE ME?
WILL HE ASK ME AGAIN?
SHOULD I ASK HER OUT?

WILL HE ASK ME AGAIN?
SHOULD I ASK HER OUT?
AND WHAT'S HAPPENED TO THOSE

SHOULD I ASK HER OUT?
AND WHAT'S HAPPENED TO THOSE
FIRST LOVES?

AND WHAT'S HAPPENED TO THOSE
FIRST LOVES?
WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

FIRST LOVES?
WHERE ARE THEY NOW?
WE WANTED TO FIND OUT ABOUT

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?
WE WANTED TO FIND OUT ABOUT
MEMORIES LONG LOST BUT

WE WANTED TO FIND OUT ABOUT
MEMORIES LONG LOST BUT
NEVER FORGOTTEN.

MEMORIES LONG LOST BUT
NEVER FORGOTTEN.
THIS WEEK ON "FIRST LOVE,"

NEVER FORGOTTEN.
THIS WEEK ON "FIRST LOVE,"
BILL MURRAY.

THIS WEEK ON "FIRST LOVE,"
BILL MURRAY.
OH, BILL MURRAY, WOULD YOU

BILL MURRAY.
OH, BILL MURRAY, WOULD YOU
TELL ME SOMETHING ABOUT

OH, BILL MURRAY, WOULD YOU
TELL ME SOMETHING ABOUT
YOUR FIRST LOVE?

TELL ME SOMETHING ABOUT
YOUR FIRST LOVE?
OH, YEAH.

YOUR FIRST LOVE?
OH, YEAH.
IT WAS FANNY.

OH, YEAH.
IT WAS FANNY.
SHE WAS PROBABLY THE MOST CUDDLY

IT WAS FANNY.
SHE WAS PROBABLY THE MOST CUDDLY
THING I EVER PUT MY HANDS ON.

SHE WAS PROBABLY THE MOST CUDDLY
THING I EVER PUT MY HANDS ON.
SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL.

THING I EVER PUT MY HANDS ON.
SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL.
SHE WAS AN ATHLETE, TOO.

SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL.
SHE WAS AN ATHLETE, TOO.
SHE WAS REAL ATHLETIC AT A TIME

SHE WAS AN ATHLETE, TOO.
SHE WAS REAL ATHLETIC AT A TIME
WHEN I WAS INTO ATHLETICS.

SHE WAS REAL ATHLETIC AT A TIME
WHEN I WAS INTO ATHLETICS.
SHE COULD RUN FASTER

WHEN I WAS INTO ATHLETICS.
SHE COULD RUN FASTER
THAN I COULD.

SHE COULD RUN FASTER
THAN I COULD.
SHE WAS INCREDIBLE, AND SHE WORE

THAN I COULD.
SHE WAS INCREDIBLE, AND SHE WORE
BOWS IN HER HAIR.

SHE WAS INCREDIBLE, AND SHE WORE
BOWS IN HER HAIR.
I'LL NEVER FORGET SEEING A BOW

BOWS IN HER HAIR.
I'LL NEVER FORGET SEEING A BOW
FLY BY ME.

I'LL NEVER FORGET SEEING A BOW
FLY BY ME.
WE'D BE RACING AND... WOOF!

FLY BY ME.
WE'D BE RACING AND... WOOF!
SHE BROKE IT OFF.

WE'D BE RACING AND... WOOF!
SHE BROKE IT OFF.
SHE RAN AWAY.

SHE BROKE IT OFF.
SHE RAN AWAY.
Man: WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW

SHE RAN AWAY.
Man: WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW
WHERE SHE IS TODAY?

Man: WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW
WHERE SHE IS TODAY?
I KNOW WHERE SHE IS.

[DOORBELL RINGS]
OH, FANNY.
YOU LOOK GOOD.

OH, FANNY.
YOU LOOK GOOD.
[♪...]

YOU LOOK GREAT.
I HAVEN'T CHANGED TOO MUCH, FAN.
[APPLAUSE]

[♪...]

HI, I'M BOB CONRAD, AND I'M

HERE IN THIS BAR TO PROVE THAT

FOREVEREADY ALKALINE ENERGY

CELL IS NO ORDINARY BATTERY.

HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?
THIS IS NO ORDINARY BATTERY.
I DARE YOU TO CALL IT ORDINARY.

THIS IS NO ORDINARY BATTERY.
I DARE YOU TO CALL IT ORDINARY.
IT'S ORDINARY.

I DARE YOU TO CALL IT ORDINARY.
IT'S ORDINARY.
MAYBE YOU DIDN'T HEAR ME.

IT'S ORDINARY.
MAYBE YOU DIDN'T HEAR ME.
I SAID I DARE YOU

MAYBE YOU DIDN'T HEAR ME.
I SAID I DARE YOU
TO CALL IT ORDINARY.

I SAID I DARE YOU
TO CALL IT ORDINARY.
OH, I HEARD YOU.

TO CALL IT ORDINARY.
OH, I HEARD YOU.
IT'S JUST THAT IT'S AN

OH, I HEARD YOU.
IT'S JUST THAT IT'S AN
ORDINARY BATTERY.

IT'S JUST THAT IT'S AN
ORDINARY BATTERY.
DID YOU SAY ORDINARY?

ORDINARY BATTERY.
DID YOU SAY ORDINARY?
YEAH, ORDINARY.

DID YOU SAY ORDINARY?
YEAH, ORDINARY.
YOU KNOW, MEDIOCRE,

YEAH, ORDINARY.
YOU KNOW, MEDIOCRE,
NON-DESCRIPT, MIDDLING, MIDDLE

YOU KNOW, MEDIOCRE,
NON-DESCRIPT, MIDDLING, MIDDLE
OF THE ROAD, GARDEN VARIETY,

NON-DESCRIPT, MIDDLING, MIDDLE
OF THE ROAD, GARDEN VARIETY,
PLEBIAN, HALF-BOOTED.

OF THE ROAD, GARDEN VARIETY,
PLEBIAN, HALF-BOOTED.
I COULD GO ON AND ON, BUT, UH, I

PLEBIAN, HALF-BOOTED.
I COULD GO ON AND ON, BUT, UH, I
THINK MAYBE I'LL JUST KNOCK THIS

I COULD GO ON AND ON, BUT, UH, I
THINK MAYBE I'LL JUST KNOCK THIS
BATTERY OFF INSTEAD.

THINK MAYBE I'LL JUST KNOCK THIS
BATTERY OFF INSTEAD.
OK, YOU, NOW IT'S GO TIME!

Announcer: REMEMBER THAT

FOREVEREADY ALKALINE ENERGY CELL

IS NO ORDINARY BATTERY.

IT KEEPS GOING LONG AFTER ALL

THE BATTERIES HAVE QUIT.

ASK FOR IT BY NAME.

NOW LET'S SEE HOW BOB'S DOING.

OK... NOW MY SHIRT...
YOU RIPPED MY SHIRT!
OH, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO PAY

YOU RIPPED MY SHIRT!
OH, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO PAY
FOR MY SHIRT.

OH, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO PAY
FOR MY SHIRT.
BOY, YOU'RE GONNA PAY!

FOR MY SHIRT.
BOY, YOU'RE GONNA PAY!
YOU'VE GOTTA BE JOKING, MAN.

BOY, YOU'RE GONNA PAY!
YOU'VE GOTTA BE JOKING, MAN.
AHH, LOOK AT MY NOSE!

YOU'VE GOTTA BE JOKING, MAN.
AHH, LOOK AT MY NOSE!
YOU GOT MY NOSE BLOODY!

AHH, LOOK AT MY NOSE!
YOU GOT MY NOSE BLOODY!
IF I HAVE TO GO TO A DOCTOR,

YOU GOT MY NOSE BLOODY!
IF I HAVE TO GO TO A DOCTOR,
YOU'RE GONNA PAY A DOCTOR BILL.

IF I HAVE TO GO TO A DOCTOR,
YOU'RE GONNA PAY A DOCTOR BILL.
AWW, DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH,

YOU'RE GONNA PAY A DOCTOR BILL.
AWW, DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH,
CONRAD, HUH?

AWW, DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH,
CONRAD, HUH?
WHERE'S MY BATTERY?

CONRAD, HUH?
WHERE'S MY BATTERY?
WHO'S GOT MY BATTERY?

WHERE'S MY BATTERY?
WHO'S GOT MY BATTERY?
[MOCKING] WHERE'S MY BATTERY?

WHO'S GOT MY BATTERY?
[MOCKING] WHERE'S MY BATTERY?
WHERE'S MY BATTERY?!

[MOCKING] WHERE'S MY BATTERY?
WHERE'S MY BATTERY?!
RIGHT HERE!

WHERE'S MY BATTERY?!
RIGHT HERE!
COME AND GET IT!

RIGHT HERE!
COME AND GET IT!
[ALL SHOUTING]

COME AND GET IT!
[ALL SHOUTING]
GIVE ME MY BATTERY!

[ALL SHOUTING]
GIVE ME MY BATTERY!
GIVE ME THAT!

GIVE ME MY BATTERY!
GIVE ME THAT!
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT!

GIVE ME THAT!
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT!
I'M GONNA TELL MY DAD!

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT!
I'M GONNA TELL MY DAD!
I'M COMING BACK.

I'M GONNA TELL MY DAD!
I'M COMING BACK.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

I'M COMING BACK.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
Announcer: HERE'S A

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
Announcer: HERE'S A
CHRISTMAS GIFT IDEA: GIFT PACKS

Announcer: HERE'S A
CHRISTMAS GIFT IDEA: GIFT PACKS
OF FOREVEREADY ALKALINE

CHRISTMAS GIFT IDEA: GIFT PACKS
OF FOREVEREADY ALKALINE
BATTERIES, THE PERFECT

OF FOREVEREADY ALKALINE
BATTERIES, THE PERFECT
STOCKING STUFFER.

BATTERIES, THE PERFECT
STOCKING STUFFER.
NOW LET'S GO BACK TO THE BAR

STOCKING STUFFER.
NOW LET'S GO BACK TO THE BAR
WHERE BOB SHOULD BE ARRIVING

NOW LET'S GO BACK TO THE BAR
WHERE BOB SHOULD BE ARRIVING
WITH HIS DAD.

WHERE BOB SHOULD BE ARRIVING
WITH HIS DAD.
THIS IS IT, DAD.

WITH HIS DAD.
THIS IS IT, DAD.
THERE HE IS, HE'S THE GUY, HE'S

THIS IS IT, DAD.
THERE HE IS, HE'S THE GUY, HE'S
THE ONE.

THERE HE IS, HE'S THE GUY, HE'S
THE ONE.
OK, ENOUGH FUN AND GAMES.

THE ONE.
OK, ENOUGH FUN AND GAMES.
I'M HARLAND CONRAD.

OK, ENOUGH FUN AND GAMES.
I'M HARLAND CONRAD.
YOU THE PUNK THAT HAS

I'M HARLAND CONRAD.
YOU THE PUNK THAT HAS
MY SON'S BATTERY?

YOU THE PUNK THAT HAS
MY SON'S BATTERY?
AWW, HERE'S HIS BATTERY,

MY SON'S BATTERY?
AWW, HERE'S HIS BATTERY,
MR. CONRAD. [LAUGHS]

AWW, HERE'S HIS BATTERY,
MR. CONRAD. [LAUGHS]
WELL, AREN'T WE BIG STUFF?

MR. CONRAD. [LAUGHS]
WELL, AREN'T WE BIG STUFF?
AREN'T WE TOUGH WHEN WE'RE IN

WELL, AREN'T WE BIG STUFF?
AREN'T WE TOUGH WHEN WE'RE IN
A GROUP?

AREN'T WE TOUGH WHEN WE'RE IN
A GROUP?
GOD, MR. CONRAD,

A GROUP?
GOD, MR. CONRAD,
YOU'RE ALMOST AS BIG A DICK

GOD, MR. CONRAD,
YOU'RE ALMOST AS BIG A DICK
AS YOUR SON.

YOU'RE ALMOST AS BIG A DICK
AS YOUR SON.
DON'T EGG ME ON, WISE GUY.

AS YOUR SON.
DON'T EGG ME ON, WISE GUY.
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR GUFF.

DON'T EGG ME ON, WISE GUY.
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR GUFF.
OH, WELL, OK, I WON'T

I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR GUFF.
OH, WELL, OK, I WON'T
EGG YOU ON... HEY!

OH, WELL, OK, I WON'T
EGG YOU ON... HEY!
[LAUGHTER, ALL SHOUTING]

I WANT MY HAT AND

I WANT IT NOW!

Announcer: FOREVEREADY:

NO ORDINARY BATTERY.

[APPLAUSE]

ERNIE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HERE
20 MINUTES AGO.
HEY... YOU BETTER HOPE THAT HE

20 MINUTES AGO.
HEY... YOU BETTER HOPE THAT HE
COMES HERE WITH THAT MONEY, UH,

HEY... YOU BETTER HOPE THAT HE
COMES HERE WITH THAT MONEY, UH,
SHOWS UP WITH THAT BRIEFCASE

COMES HERE WITH THAT MONEY, UH,
SHOWS UP WITH THAT BRIEFCASE
FULL OF MONEY FROM YOUR RICH

SHOWS UP WITH THAT BRIEFCASE
FULL OF MONEY FROM YOUR RICH
DADDY, THE BANK PRESIDENT,

FULL OF MONEY FROM YOUR RICH
DADDY, THE BANK PRESIDENT,
'CAUSE YOU'RE AS GOOD AS DEAD IF

DADDY, THE BANK PRESIDENT,
'CAUSE YOU'RE AS GOOD AS DEAD IF
YOU DON'T.

'CAUSE YOU'RE AS GOOD AS DEAD IF
YOU DON'T.
I'LL BLOW YOU AWAY SO FAST,

YOU DON'T.
I'LL BLOW YOU AWAY SO FAST,
IT'LL MAKE YOUR HEAD SPIN, AND I

I'LL BLOW YOU AWAY SO FAST,
IT'LL MAKE YOUR HEAD SPIN, AND I
MEAN MAKE YOUR HEAD SPIN!

IT'LL MAKE YOUR HEAD SPIN, AND I
MEAN MAKE YOUR HEAD SPIN!
I'M SURE MY FATHER WILL COME

MEAN MAKE YOUR HEAD SPIN!
I'M SURE MY FATHER WILL COME
UP WITH THE MONEY.

I'M SURE MY FATHER WILL COME
UP WITH THE MONEY.
HE WON'T LET ME DOWN.

UP WITH THE MONEY.
HE WON'T LET ME DOWN.
I GOT IT!

HE WON'T LET ME DOWN.
I GOT IT!
I GOT IT, CURTIS, A MILLION

I GOT IT!
I GOT IT, CURTIS, A MILLION
BUCKS IN UNMARKED BILLS.

I GOT IT, CURTIS, A MILLION
BUCKS IN UNMARKED BILLS.
LOOK AT THAT. [LAUGHS]

BUCKS IN UNMARKED BILLS.
LOOK AT THAT. [LAUGHS]
YAHOO!

LOOK AT THAT. [LAUGHS]
YAHOO!
HEY... IT WENT JUST LIKE

YAHOO!
HEY... IT WENT JUST LIKE
I SAID, NOT A HITCH.

HEY... IT WENT JUST LIKE
I SAID, NOT A HITCH.
NO ONE KNOWS WHO WE ARE... THE

I SAID, NOT A HITCH.
NO ONE KNOWS WHO WE ARE... THE
PERFECT CRIME.

NO ONE KNOWS WHO WE ARE... THE
PERFECT CRIME.
GOT AWAY CLEAN.

PERFECT CRIME.
GOT AWAY CLEAN.
NO ONE KNOWS WHAT WE LOOK LIKE

GOT AWAY CLEAN.
NO ONE KNOWS WHAT WE LOOK LIKE
OR WHERE WE'RE GOING, NOTHING.

NO ONE KNOWS WHAT WE LOOK LIKE
OR WHERE WE'RE GOING, NOTHING.
ARE YOU GONNA RELEASE ME NOW?

OR WHERE WE'RE GOING, NOTHING.
ARE YOU GONNA RELEASE ME NOW?
HEY... WHERE WE GOING, ERNIE?

ARE YOU GONNA RELEASE ME NOW?
HEY... WHERE WE GOING, ERNIE?
WE'RE GOING TO MY HIDEOUT IN

HEY... WHERE WE GOING, ERNIE?
WE'RE GOING TO MY HIDEOUT IN
THREE ROCKS, CALIFORNIA.

WE'RE GOING TO MY HIDEOUT IN
THREE ROCKS, CALIFORNIA.
UH, EXCUSE ME, ERNIE, ARE YOU

THREE ROCKS, CALIFORNIA.
UH, EXCUSE ME, ERNIE, ARE YOU
GONNA RELEASE ME HERE, IN THREE

UH, EXCUSE ME, ERNIE, ARE YOU
GONNA RELEASE ME HERE, IN THREE
ROCKS OR ON THE WAY?

GONNA RELEASE ME HERE, IN THREE
ROCKS OR ON THE WAY?
OH, EXCUSE ME, DONNA, I SAID

ROCKS OR ON THE WAY?
OH, EXCUSE ME, DONNA, I SAID
THE PERFECT CRIME.

OH, EXCUSE ME, DONNA, I SAID
THE PERFECT CRIME.
RELEASE YOU?

THE PERFECT CRIME.
RELEASE YOU?
NO, I'M SORRY.

RELEASE YOU?
NO, I'M SORRY.
YOU MEAN, YOU'RE GONNA

NO, I'M SORRY.
YOU MEAN, YOU'RE GONNA
KILL ME?

YOU MEAN, YOU'RE GONNA
KILL ME?
NO, NO, HE IS.

KILL ME?
NO, NO, HE IS.
ERNIE... WE CAN'T

NO, NO, HE IS.
ERNIE... WE CAN'T
KILL HER, MAN.

ERNIE... WE CAN'T
KILL HER, MAN.
WE GOT THE MONEY.

KILL HER, MAN.
WE GOT THE MONEY.
WE GAVE HER OUR WORD, ERNIE.

WE GOT THE MONEY.
WE GAVE HER OUR WORD, ERNIE.
RIDICULOUS!

WE GAVE HER OUR WORD, ERNIE.
RIDICULOUS!
WHEN YOU WERE CALLING SHOTS, WE

RIDICULOUS!
WHEN YOU WERE CALLING SHOTS, WE
WERE STILL KNOCKING OFF LIQUOR

WHEN YOU WERE CALLING SHOTS, WE
WERE STILL KNOCKING OFF LIQUOR
STORES IN DETROIT.

WERE STILL KNOCKING OFF LIQUOR
STORES IN DETROIT.
DON'T BE RIDICULOUS, COME ON.

STORES IN DETROIT.
DON'T BE RIDICULOUS, COME ON.
YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

DON'T BE RIDICULOUS, COME ON.
YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
SHE KNOWS TOO MUCH.

YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
SHE KNOWS TOO MUCH.
SHE KNOWS TOO MUCH.

SHE KNOWS TOO MUCH.
SHE KNOWS TOO MUCH.
I'LL DO IT.

SHE KNOWS TOO MUCH.
I'LL DO IT.
PLEASE DON'T, NO... [SCREAMS]

I'LL DO IT.
PLEASE DON'T, NO... [SCREAMS]
[GUNSHOT FIRES]

PLEASE DON'T, NO... [SCREAMS]
[GUNSHOT FIRES]
THAT'S IT.

[GUNSHOT FIRES]
THAT'S IT.
ALL RIGHT, NOW WE'RE THE ONLY

THAT'S IT.
ALL RIGHT, NOW WE'RE THE ONLY
ONES THAT KNOW. [KNOCK ON DOOR]

ALL RIGHT, NOW WE'RE THE ONLY
ONES THAT KNOW. [KNOCK ON DOOR]
WHO'S THAT?

ONES THAT KNOW. [KNOCK ON DOOR]
WHO'S THAT?
OH, I'LL GET IT, I'LL GET IT,

WHO'S THAT?
OH, I'LL GET IT, I'LL GET IT,
I'LL GET IT.

OH, I'LL GET IT, I'LL GET IT,
I'LL GET IT.
YEAH, GOT A PIZZA FOR

I'LL GET IT.
YEAH, GOT A PIZZA FOR
CURTIS WASHINGTON.

YEAH, GOT A PIZZA FOR
CURTIS WASHINGTON.
DID YOU ORDER A PIZZA?

CURTIS WASHINGTON.
DID YOU ORDER A PIZZA?
I WAS HUNGRY!

DID YOU ORDER A PIZZA?
I WAS HUNGRY!
OH, MY GOD,

I WAS HUNGRY!
OH, MY GOD,
WHAT HAPPENED HERE?

OH, MY GOD,
WHAT HAPPENED HERE?
OH, HE KNOWS TOO MUCH TOO.

WHAT HAPPENED HERE?
OH, HE KNOWS TOO MUCH TOO.
THAT'S RIGHT, KILL HIM.

OH, HE KNOWS TOO MUCH TOO.
THAT'S RIGHT, KILL HIM.
I WOULD NEVER TELL ANYBODY.

THAT'S RIGHT, KILL HIM.
I WOULD NEVER TELL ANYBODY.
[GUNSHOT FIRES]

I WOULD NEVER TELL ANYBODY.
[GUNSHOT FIRES]
NOW CLOSE THE DOOR BEFORE

[GUNSHOT FIRES]
NOW CLOSE THE DOOR BEFORE
SOMEBODY ELSE COMES BY, PLEASE.

NOW CLOSE THE DOOR BEFORE
SOMEBODY ELSE COMES BY, PLEASE.
THAT WAS PRETTY STUPID OF YOU,

SOMEBODY ELSE COMES BY, PLEASE.
THAT WAS PRETTY STUPID OF YOU,
WASHINGTON, TO ORDER A PIZZA

THAT WAS PRETTY STUPID OF YOU,
WASHINGTON, TO ORDER A PIZZA
LIKE THAT.

WASHINGTON, TO ORDER A PIZZA
LIKE THAT.
YOU DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT

LIKE THAT.
YOU DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT
AGAIN, I'M GONNA HAVE

YOU DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT
AGAIN, I'M GONNA HAVE
TO KILL YOU. [KNOCK ON DOOR]

AGAIN, I'M GONNA HAVE
TO KILL YOU. [KNOCK ON DOOR]
OH, NO.

TO KILL YOU. [KNOCK ON DOOR]
OH, NO.
DID YOU ORDER ANYTHING ELSE?

OH, NO.
DID YOU ORDER ANYTHING ELSE?
NO, ERNIE, I SWEAR I DIDN'T.

DID YOU ORDER ANYTHING ELSE?
NO, ERNIE, I SWEAR I DIDN'T.
ALL RIGHT, SEE WHO IT IS.

NO, ERNIE, I SWEAR I DIDN'T.
ALL RIGHT, SEE WHO IT IS.
AHH...

ALL RIGHT, SEE WHO IT IS.
AHH...
HI, I'M A JEHOVAH'S WITNESS

AHH...
HI, I'M A JEHOVAH'S WITNESS
AND I WAS WONDERING IF

HI, I'M A JEHOVAH'S WITNESS
AND I WAS WONDERING IF
YOU'D LIKE A FREE COPY OF

AND I WAS WONDERING IF
YOU'D LIKE A FREE COPY OF
THE WATCHTOWER.

YOU'D LIKE A FREE COPY OF
THE WATCHTOWER.
[GUNSHOTS FIRE, WOMAN SCREAMS]

THE WATCHTOWER.
[GUNSHOTS FIRE, WOMAN SCREAMS]
BOY, I DON'T LIKE THIS.

[GUNSHOTS FIRE, WOMAN SCREAMS]
BOY, I DON'T LIKE THIS.
YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT MY STYLE.

BOY, I DON'T LIKE THIS.
YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT MY STYLE.
UH-OH...

YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT MY STYLE.
UH-OH...
BOY, IT'S REALLY GETTING

UH-OH...
BOY, IT'S REALLY GETTING
SLOPPY, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

BOY, IT'S REALLY GETTING
SLOPPY, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
[GUNSHOT FIRES, GLASS BREAKS]

SLOPPY, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
[GUNSHOT FIRES, GLASS BREAKS]
[KNOCK ON DOOR]

[GUNSHOT FIRES, GLASS BREAKS]
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
UH-OH, HERE WE GO AGAIN.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]
UH-OH, HERE WE GO AGAIN.
ALL RIGHT.

UH-OH, HERE WE GO AGAIN.
ALL RIGHT.
YOO-HOO... HI, ANYBODY HOME?

ALL RIGHT.
YOO-HOO... HI, ANYBODY HOME?
IT'S ME, THE SUPERINTENDENT.

YOO-HOO... HI, ANYBODY HOME?
IT'S ME, THE SUPERINTENDENT.
I JUST WANTED TO SHOW THIS

IT'S ME, THE SUPERINTENDENT.
I JUST WANTED TO SHOW THIS
COUPLE THE APARTMENT.

I JUST WANTED TO SHOW THIS
COUPLE THE APARTMENT.
ISN'T IT LO...

COUPLE THE APARTMENT.
ISN'T IT LO...
OH, YOU KNOW, WE'LL COME

ISN'T IT LO...
OH, YOU KNOW, WE'LL COME
BACK LATER.

OH, YOU KNOW, WE'LL COME
BACK LATER.
[GUNSHOTS FIRE]

BACK LATER.
[GUNSHOTS FIRE]
THIS IS NUTS.

[GUNSHOTS FIRE]
THIS IS NUTS.
WE CAN'T LEAVE ALL THESE BODIES

THIS IS NUTS.
WE CAN'T LEAVE ALL THESE BODIES
BEHIND US.

WE CAN'T LEAVE ALL THESE BODIES
BEHIND US.
THE TRAIL'LL BE TOO HOT.

BEHIND US.
THE TRAIL'LL BE TOO HOT.
SAY, I COULD CALL A COUPLE OF

THE TRAIL'LL BE TOO HOT.
SAY, I COULD CALL A COUPLE OF
FRIENDS, MAN.

SAY, I COULD CALL A COUPLE OF
FRIENDS, MAN.
THEY COULD HELP US.

FRIENDS, MAN.
THEY COULD HELP US.
NO, THAT WOULDN'T WORK.

THEY COULD HELP US.
NO, THAT WOULDN'T WORK.
WE'D JUST HAVE TO KILL THEM TOO.

NO, THAT WOULDN'T WORK.
WE'D JUST HAVE TO KILL THEM TOO.
OH, YEAH, RIGHT, RIGHT.

WE'D JUST HAVE TO KILL THEM TOO.
OH, YEAH, RIGHT, RIGHT.
CHECK AROUND HERE, SEE IF

OH, YEAH, RIGHT, RIGHT.
CHECK AROUND HERE, SEE IF
THERE'S A GARBAGE DISPOSAL IN

CHECK AROUND HERE, SEE IF
THERE'S A GARBAGE DISPOSAL IN
THIS DUMP, WILL YOU?

THERE'S A GARBAGE DISPOSAL IN
THIS DUMP, WILL YOU?
OK, OK.

HUH, ANY LUCK?
NO, NO, BUT THERE'S
A LAUNDRY CHUTE.

NO, NO, BUT THERE'S
A LAUNDRY CHUTE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?

A LAUNDRY CHUTE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
GOOD ENOUGH, FINE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?
GOOD ENOUGH, FINE.
ALL RIGHT, WE'LL PUT 'EM DOWN

GOOD ENOUGH, FINE.
ALL RIGHT, WE'LL PUT 'EM DOWN
THE LAUNDRY CHUTE.

ALL RIGHT, WE'LL PUT 'EM DOWN
THE LAUNDRY CHUTE.
THAT'LL DO IT. [KNOCK ON DOOR]

THE LAUNDRY CHUTE.
THAT'LL DO IT. [KNOCK ON DOOR]
OH, NO, WHO CAN THAT BE?

THAT'LL DO IT. [KNOCK ON DOOR]
OH, NO, WHO CAN THAT BE?
THIS IS GETTING RIDICULOUS.

OH, NO, WHO CAN THAT BE?
THIS IS GETTING RIDICULOUS.
I THINK I BETTER OPEN IT.

THIS IS GETTING RIDICULOUS.
I THINK I BETTER OPEN IT.
ALL RIGHT, GO AND

I THINK I BETTER OPEN IT.
ALL RIGHT, GO AND
OPEN THE DOOR.

ALL RIGHT, GO AND
OPEN THE DOOR.
Group [SINGING]: ♪ HARK, THE

OPEN THE DOOR.
Group [SINGING]: ♪ HARK, THE
HERALD ANGELS SING ♪

Group [SINGING]: ♪ HARK, THE
HERALD ANGELS SING ♪
♪ GLORY TO THE NEWBORN... ♪

HERALD ANGELS SING ♪
♪ GLORY TO THE NEWBORN... ♪
[GUNSHOTS FIRE]

♪ GLORY TO THE NEWBORN... ♪
[GUNSHOTS FIRE]
I'LL GET THE OLD LADY.

[GUNSHOTS FIRE]
I'LL GET THE OLD LADY.
WAIT A MINUTE, SISTER!

I'LL GET THE OLD LADY.
WAIT A MINUTE, SISTER!
[GUNFIRE CONTINUES, BODY THUDS]

WAIT A MINUTE, SISTER!
[GUNFIRE CONTINUES, BODY THUDS]
[PHONE RINGS]

[GUNFIRE CONTINUES, BODY THUDS]
[PHONE RINGS]
I'LL GET IT.

[PHONE RINGS]
I'LL GET IT.
YOU GET THE OLD LADY'S BODY.

I'LL GET IT.
YOU GET THE OLD LADY'S BODY.
HELLO?

YOU GET THE OLD LADY'S BODY.
HELLO?
YEAH, HONEY, HOW YOU DOING?

HELLO?
YEAH, HONEY, HOW YOU DOING?
UH, LISTEN, WE'RE GONNA BE

YEAH, HONEY, HOW YOU DOING?
UH, LISTEN, WE'RE GONNA BE
A LITTLE LATE, A FEW PROBLEMS,

UH, LISTEN, WE'RE GONNA BE
A LITTLE LATE, A FEW PROBLEMS,
YOU KNOW?

A LITTLE LATE, A FEW PROBLEMS,
YOU KNOW?
UH, NO, I HAVEN'T

YOU KNOW?
UH, NO, I HAVEN'T
KILLED HIM YET.

UH, NO, I HAVEN'T
KILLED HIM YET.
NO, I WAS GONNA WAIT TILL WE GOT

KILLED HIM YET.
NO, I WAS GONNA WAIT TILL WE GOT
TO THREE ROCK, YOU KNOW?

NO, I WAS GONNA WAIT TILL WE GOT
TO THREE ROCK, YOU KNOW?
OK, HE'S COMING IN NOW.

TO THREE ROCK, YOU KNOW?
OK, HE'S COMING IN NOW.
I GOTTA HANG UP.

OK, HE'S COMING IN NOW.
I GOTTA HANG UP.
UH, YEAH, RIGHT-O.

I GOTTA HANG UP.
UH, YEAH, RIGHT-O.
JUST PUT HER OVER THERE, YEAH.

UH, YEAH, RIGHT-O.
JUST PUT HER OVER THERE, YEAH.
I GOTTA BE GOING NOW.

JUST PUT HER OVER THERE, YEAH.
I GOTTA BE GOING NOW.
ALL RIGHT, LOVE, BYE-BYE.

I GOTTA BE GOING NOW.
ALL RIGHT, LOVE, BYE-BYE.
[GROANS, TALKS INDISTINCTLY]

ALL RIGHT, LOVE, BYE-BYE.
[GROANS, TALKS INDISTINCTLY]
NOW NOBODY KNOWS BUT YOU AND ME.

[GROANS, TALKS INDISTINCTLY]
NOW NOBODY KNOWS BUT YOU AND ME.
BOY, I'LL BE GLAD TO GET BACK TO

NOW NOBODY KNOWS BUT YOU AND ME.
BOY, I'LL BE GLAD TO GET BACK TO
THREE ROCKS.

BOY, I'LL BE GLAD TO GET BACK TO
THREE ROCKS.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

THREE ROCKS.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
OH, NO.

OK... COME IN!
[APPLAUSE]

HI, I'M BRUCE JENNER.
AND I'M CHRYSTIE JENNER.
AND I'M BRUCE'S ATTORNEY.

AND I'M CHRYSTIE JENNER.
AND I'M BRUCE'S ATTORNEY.
AND I'M CHRYSTIE'S ATTORNEY.

AND I'M BRUCE'S ATTORNEY.
AND I'M CHRYSTIE'S ATTORNEY.
AND WE'RE HERE PHOTOGRAPHING

AND I'M CHRYSTIE'S ATTORNEY.
AND WE'RE HERE PHOTOGRAPHING
OUR DIVORCE WITH THIS REMARKABLE

AND WE'RE HERE PHOTOGRAPHING
OUR DIVORCE WITH THIS REMARKABLE
NEW MINOTA AM3.

OUR DIVORCE WITH THIS REMARKABLE
NEW MINOTA AM3.
IT'S THE AUTOMATIC CAMERA

NEW MINOTA AM3.
IT'S THE AUTOMATIC CAMERA
FAST ENOUGH TO TAKE GREAT

IT'S THE AUTOMATIC CAMERA
FAST ENOUGH TO TAKE GREAT
PICTURES, EVEN IN A DARK ROOM

FAST ENOUGH TO TAKE GREAT
PICTURES, EVEN IN A DARK ROOM
LIKE MY LAWYER'S OFFICE!

PICTURES, EVEN IN A DARK ROOM
LIKE MY LAWYER'S OFFICE!
OH, IT'S MY LAWYER...

LIKE MY LAWYER'S OFFICE!
OH, IT'S MY LAWYER...
AND JUST POINT THE REMARKABLE

OH, IT'S MY LAWYER...
AND JUST POINT THE REMARKABLE
MINOTA AM3 AT YOUR SUBJECT

AND JUST POINT THE REMARKABLE
MINOTA AM3 AT YOUR SUBJECT
AND SHOOT.

MINOTA AM3 AT YOUR SUBJECT
AND SHOOT.
OH, INCIDENTALLY, YOU KNOW THOSE

AND SHOOT.
OH, INCIDENTALLY, YOU KNOW THOSE
RESIDUALS YOU'VE BEEN GETTING

OH, INCIDENTALLY, YOU KNOW THOSE
RESIDUALS YOU'VE BEEN GETTING
FROM MY WHEATIES COMMERCIAL?

RESIDUALS YOU'VE BEEN GETTING
FROM MY WHEATIES COMMERCIAL?
NO MORE, KID. [CHUCKLES]

FROM MY WHEATIES COMMERCIAL?
NO MORE, KID. [CHUCKLES]
OH, NOW, WAIT A MINUTE...

NO MORE, KID. [CHUCKLES]
OH, NOW, WAIT A MINUTE...
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

OH, NOW, WAIT A MINUTE...
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
Bruce: GOTCHA!

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
Bruce: GOTCHA!
SEE HOW EASY IT IS?

Bruce: GOTCHA!
SEE HOW EASY IT IS?
AND IT'S IN THE STORES JUST IN

SEE HOW EASY IT IS?
AND IT'S IN THE STORES JUST IN
TIME FOR CHRISTMAS GIVING.

AND IT'S IN THE STORES JUST IN
TIME FOR CHRISTMAS GIVING.
OR TAKING.

TIME FOR CHRISTMAS GIVING.
OR TAKING.
SO EVEN IF WE DON'T PLAY FRISBEE

OR TAKING.
SO EVEN IF WE DON'T PLAY FRISBEE
ANYMORE, WE CAN STILL HAVE FUN

SO EVEN IF WE DON'T PLAY FRISBEE
ANYMORE, WE CAN STILL HAVE FUN
WITH THE MINOTA AM3.

ANYMORE, WE CAN STILL HAVE FUN
WITH THE MINOTA AM3.
HERE'S THE AGREEMENT.

WITH THE MINOTA AM3.
HERE'S THE AGREEMENT.
Chrystie and Bruce: GREAT.

HERE'S THE AGREEMENT.
Chrystie and Bruce: GREAT.
HEY, EVERYBODY, SAY CHEESE!

Chrystie and Bruce: GREAT.
HEY, EVERYBODY, SAY CHEESE!
All: CHEESE!

[APPLAUSE]

Announcer: THE MINOTA AM3: IT

BRINGS PEOPLE TOGETHER, AT LEAST

FOR A WHILE.

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS]

WELCOME TO "REVISIONS OF
FREUDIAN THEORY."
I'M YOUR HOST, AL FRANKEN.

FREUDIAN THEORY."
I'M YOUR HOST, AL FRANKEN.
OUR GUEST TONIGHT IS DR. THOMAS

I'M YOUR HOST, AL FRANKEN.
OUR GUEST TONIGHT IS DR. THOMAS
J. DAVIS, AND DR. DAVIS HAS

OUR GUEST TONIGHT IS DR. THOMAS
J. DAVIS, AND DR. DAVIS HAS
FORMULATED A NEW FIFTH STAGE OF

J. DAVIS, AND DR. DAVIS HAS
FORMULATED A NEW FIFTH STAGE OF
PERSONALITY DEVELOPMENT, IN

FORMULATED A NEW FIFTH STAGE OF
PERSONALITY DEVELOPMENT, IN
ADDITION TO THE FOUR FREUDS THAT

PERSONALITY DEVELOPMENT, IN
ADDITION TO THE FOUR FREUDS THAT
WE'RE ALL FAMILIAR WITH: THE

ADDITION TO THE FOUR FREUDS THAT
WE'RE ALL FAMILIAR WITH: THE
ORAL, THE ANAL, THE PHALLIC AND

WE'RE ALL FAMILIAR WITH: THE
ORAL, THE ANAL, THE PHALLIC AND
THE GENITAL.

ORAL, THE ANAL, THE PHALLIC AND
THE GENITAL.
UH, FIRST, DR. DAVIS, WELCOME TO

THE GENITAL.
UH, FIRST, DR. DAVIS, WELCOME TO
OUR SHOW.

UH, FIRST, DR. DAVIS, WELCOME TO
OUR SHOW.
TELL US, WHAT IS THIS NEW

OUR SHOW.
TELL US, WHAT IS THIS NEW
FIFTH STAGE?

TELL US, WHAT IS THIS NEW
FIFTH STAGE?
[NASALLY]: IT'S THE NASAL

FIFTH STAGE?
[NASALLY]: IT'S THE NASAL
STAGE, AL.

[NASALLY]: IT'S THE NASAL
STAGE, AL.
A CHILD ENTERS THE NASAL STAGE

STAGE, AL.
A CHILD ENTERS THE NASAL STAGE
AT ABOUT AGE SIX, RIGHT AFTER

A CHILD ENTERS THE NASAL STAGE
AT ABOUT AGE SIX, RIGHT AFTER
THE ANAL STAGE, AT A TIME WHEN A

AT ABOUT AGE SIX, RIGHT AFTER
THE ANAL STAGE, AT A TIME WHEN A
CHILD IS UNDERGOING TRAUMATIC

THE ANAL STAGE, AT A TIME WHEN A
CHILD IS UNDERGOING TRAUMATIC
HANDKERCHIEF TRAINING.

CHILD IS UNDERGOING TRAUMATIC
HANDKERCHIEF TRAINING.
AND A PERSON WHO BECOMES FIXATED

HANDKERCHIEF TRAINING.
AND A PERSON WHO BECOMES FIXATED
AT THE NASAL STAGE WILL MAINTAIN

AND A PERSON WHO BECOMES FIXATED
AT THE NASAL STAGE WILL MAINTAIN
NASAL QUALITIES THROUGHOUT HIS

AT THE NASAL STAGE WILL MAINTAIN
NASAL QUALITIES THROUGHOUT HIS
LIFE, UNLESS, OF COURSE, HE

NASAL QUALITIES THROUGHOUT HIS
LIFE, UNLESS, OF COURSE, HE
RECEIVES SOME KIND OF THERAPY,

LIFE, UNLESS, OF COURSE, HE
RECEIVES SOME KIND OF THERAPY,
SOME KIND OF THING.

RECEIVES SOME KIND OF THERAPY,
SOME KIND OF THING.
I SEE.

SOME KIND OF THING.
I SEE.
WELL, UH, DOCTOR, WHAT ARE SOME

I SEE.
WELL, UH, DOCTOR, WHAT ARE SOME
OF THESE NASAL TRAITS THEN?

WELL, UH, DOCTOR, WHAT ARE SOME
OF THESE NASAL TRAITS THEN?
WELL, HE MAY BE SNOTTY,

OF THESE NASAL TRAITS THEN?
WELL, HE MAY BE SNOTTY,
STUCK-UP, PICAYUNE...

WELL, HE MAY BE SNOTTY,
STUCK-UP, PICAYUNE...
SORT OF PERSON.

STUCK-UP, PICAYUNE...
SORT OF PERSON.
YES, THESE ARE NASAL-RETENTIVE

SORT OF PERSON.
YES, THESE ARE NASAL-RETENTIVE
TRAITS.

YES, THESE ARE NASAL-RETENTIVE
TRAITS.
I SEE, SO A NASAL RETENTIVE

TRAITS.
I SEE, SO A NASAL RETENTIVE
PERSON MIGHT BE CALLED "A

I SEE, SO A NASAL RETENTIVE
PERSON MIGHT BE CALLED "A
TIGHT-NOSE," IS THAT RIGHT?

PERSON MIGHT BE CALLED "A
TIGHT-NOSE," IS THAT RIGHT?
EXACTLY.

TIGHT-NOSE," IS THAT RIGHT?
EXACTLY.
YOU MIGHT SAY HE HAS A STICK UP

EXACTLY.
YOU MIGHT SAY HE HAS A STICK UP
HIS NOSE... YEAH.

YOU MIGHT SAY HE HAS A STICK UP
HIS NOSE... YEAH.
UH-HUH, I SEE, I SEE.

HIS NOSE... YEAH.
UH-HUH, I SEE, I SEE.
AND, UH, WHAT WOULD A

UH-HUH, I SEE, I SEE.
AND, UH, WHAT WOULD A
NASAL-EXPULSIVE PERSONALITY

AND, UH, WHAT WOULD A
NASAL-EXPULSIVE PERSONALITY
BE LIKE?

NASAL-EXPULSIVE PERSONALITY
BE LIKE?
A NASAL-EXPULSIVE PERSON IS

BE LIKE?
A NASAL-EXPULSIVE PERSON IS
OFTEN OVERLY INQUISITIVE, OR

A NASAL-EXPULSIVE PERSON IS
OFTEN OVERLY INQUISITIVE, OR
NOSY, AND, UH, FREQUENTLY

OFTEN OVERLY INQUISITIVE, OR
NOSY, AND, UH, FREQUENTLY
ALIENATES HIMSELF BY BLOWING IT

NOSY, AND, UH, FREQUENTLY
ALIENATES HIMSELF BY BLOWING IT
IN HIS RELATIONSHIPS WITH

ALIENATES HIMSELF BY BLOWING IT
IN HIS RELATIONSHIPS WITH
OTHER PEOPLE.

IN HIS RELATIONSHIPS WITH
OTHER PEOPLE.
THIS COULD BE QUITE SERIOUS.

OTHER PEOPLE.
THIS COULD BE QUITE SERIOUS.
NOW WAIT A MINUTE... A

THIS COULD BE QUITE SERIOUS.
NOW WAIT A MINUTE... A
NASAL-EXPULSIVE PERSON BLOWS IT

NOW WAIT A MINUTE... A
NASAL-EXPULSIVE PERSON BLOWS IT
WITH OTHER PEOPLE?

NASAL-EXPULSIVE PERSON BLOWS IT
WITH OTHER PEOPLE?
IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING?

WITH OTHER PEOPLE?
IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING?
WELL, THAT'S THE TERMINOLOGY

IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING?
WELL, THAT'S THE TERMINOLOGY
FOR THE LAYMAN TO...

WELL, THAT'S THE TERMINOLOGY
FOR THE LAYMAN TO...
WELL, THANK YOU, DOCTOR.

FOR THE LAYMAN TO...
WELL, THANK YOU, DOCTOR.
I THINK WE'VE HEARD JUST ABOUT

WELL, THANK YOU, DOCTOR.
I THINK WE'VE HEARD JUST ABOUT
AS MUCH ABOUT THE NASAL STAGE AS

I THINK WE'VE HEARD JUST ABOUT
AS MUCH ABOUT THE NASAL STAGE AS
WE WANT TO HEAR. >> WELL...

AS MUCH ABOUT THE NASAL STAGE AS
WE WANT TO HEAR. >> WELL...
WELL, THANK YOU.

WE WANT TO HEAR. >> WELL...
WELL, THANK YOU.
BE SURE TO TUNE IN TOMORROW

WELL, THANK YOU.
BE SURE TO TUNE IN TOMORROW
WHEN, UH, OUR GUEST WILL BE DR.

BE SURE TO TUNE IN TOMORROW
WHEN, UH, OUR GUEST WILL BE DR.
SONIA CONTMUELLER.

WHEN, UH, OUR GUEST WILL BE DR.
SONIA CONTMUELLER.
WE'LL DISCUSS HER THEORY OF

SONIA CONTMUELLER.
WE'LL DISCUSS HER THEORY OF
PENIS SHAME.

WE'LL DISCUSS HER THEORY OF
PENIS SHAME.
NOW, DR. CONTMUELLER SAID THAT

PENIS SHAME.
NOW, DR. CONTMUELLER SAID THAT
FREUD'S THEORY OF, UH, PENIS

NOW, DR. CONTMUELLER SAID THAT
FREUD'S THEORY OF, UH, PENIS
ENVY IS WRONG, THAT WOMEN DO NOT

FREUD'S THEORY OF, UH, PENIS
ENVY IS WRONG, THAT WOMEN DO NOT
ENVY MEN'S PENISES, BUT RATHER

ENVY IS WRONG, THAT WOMEN DO NOT
ENVY MEN'S PENISES, BUT RATHER
THAT MEN ARE ASHAMED OF THEIR

ENVY MEN'S PENISES, BUT RATHER
THAT MEN ARE ASHAMED OF THEIR
PENISES, OR THE PENIS.

THAT MEN ARE ASHAMED OF THEIR
PENISES, OR THE PENIS.
AND, UH, THAT, THEREFORE, MEN

PENISES, OR THE PENIS.
AND, UH, THAT, THEREFORE, MEN
LIKE TO HIDE THEIR PENISES IN

AND, UH, THAT, THEREFORE, MEN
LIKE TO HIDE THEIR PENISES IN
DARK PLACES OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

LIKE TO HIDE THEIR PENISES IN
DARK PLACES OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
WELL, THAT'S THE MOST

DARK PLACES OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
WELL, THAT'S THE MOST
RIDICULOUS THEORY THAT I'VE EVER

WELL, THAT'S THE MOST
RIDICULOUS THEORY THAT I'VE EVER
HEARD IN ALL MY YEARS OF...

RIDICULOUS THEORY THAT I'VE EVER
HEARD IN ALL MY YEARS OF...
WELL, I DON'T THINK YOU'RE IN

HEARD IN ALL MY YEARS OF...
WELL, I DON'T THINK YOU'RE IN
ANY POSITION TO CALL A THEORY

WELL, I DON'T THINK YOU'RE IN
ANY POSITION TO CALL A THEORY
SILLY, DOCTOR.

ANY POSITION TO CALL A THEORY
SILLY, DOCTOR.
THANK YOU, GOOD NIGHT.

SILLY, DOCTOR.
THANK YOU, GOOD NIGHT.
YOU'RE ASKING FOR A PUNCH IN

THANK YOU, GOOD NIGHT.
YOU'RE ASKING FOR A PUNCH IN
THE NOSE, FELLA, YOU KNOW THAT?

YOU'RE ASKING FOR A PUNCH IN
THE NOSE, FELLA, YOU KNOW THAT?
[♪..., APPLAUSE]

Announcer: ACTRESS JANE
CURTIN TALKS ABOUT BEAUTY.
AS AN ACTRESS, MY DAY IS

CURTIN TALKS ABOUT BEAUTY.
AS AN ACTRESS, MY DAY IS
FILLED WITH REHEARSALS,

AS AN ACTRESS, MY DAY IS
FILLED WITH REHEARSALS,
INTERVIEWS, PHOTO SESSIONS,

FILLED WITH REHEARSALS,
INTERVIEWS, PHOTO SESSIONS,
LUNCH AND DANCE CLASS.

BELIEVE ME, IT'S HARD TO KEEP A

SCHEDULE LIKE THAT AND KEEP MY

HAIR LOOKING GOOD ALL THE TIME.

SO I CAN'T USE JUST
ANY HAIRSPRAY.
I NEED ONE THAT TAKES CHARGE OF

ANY HAIRSPRAY.
I NEED ONE THAT TAKES CHARGE OF
MY HAIR, YET LEAVES IT SOFT

I NEED ONE THAT TAKES CHARGE OF
MY HAIR, YET LEAVES IT SOFT
AND MANAGEABLE.

MY HAIR, YET LEAVES IT SOFT
AND MANAGEABLE.
THAT'S WHY I USE MARTIN SHEEN.

AND MANAGEABLE.
THAT'S WHY I USE MARTIN SHEEN.
YOU SEE, MARTIN SHEEN KNOWS

THAT'S WHY I USE MARTIN SHEEN.
YOU SEE, MARTIN SHEEN KNOWS
MY HAIR.

YOU SEE, MARTIN SHEEN KNOWS
MY HAIR.
HE KNOWS THAT HOT STUDIO LIGHTS

MY HAIR.
HE KNOWS THAT HOT STUDIO LIGHTS
CAN BE HARMFUL TO MY HAIR,

HE KNOWS THAT HOT STUDIO LIGHTS
CAN BE HARMFUL TO MY HAIR,
DEPLETING IT OF PROTEIN, LEAVING

CAN BE HARMFUL TO MY HAIR,
DEPLETING IT OF PROTEIN, LEAVING
IT DRY AND LIFELESS.

DEPLETING IT OF PROTEIN, LEAVING
IT DRY AND LIFELESS.
BUT I KNOW THAT JUST ONE SPRAY

IT DRY AND LIFELESS.
BUT I KNOW THAT JUST ONE SPRAY
OF MARTIN SHEEN...

BUT I KNOW THAT JUST ONE SPRAY
OF MARTIN SHEEN...
IS ALL THAT I NEED TO PUT BODY

OF MARTIN SHEEN...
IS ALL THAT I NEED TO PUT BODY
BACK IN THE LIFE AND THE SHIMMER

IS ALL THAT I NEED TO PUT BODY
BACK IN THE LIFE AND THE SHIMMER
AND THE LUSTER...

BACK IN THE LIFE AND THE SHIMMER
AND THE LUSTER...
AND THE SHEEN.

AND THE LUSTER...
AND THE SHEEN.
BACK INTO MY HAIR.

AND THE SHEEN.
BACK INTO MY HAIR.
OH, I'VE TRIED THE OTHERS, BUT

BACK INTO MY HAIR.
OH, I'VE TRIED THE OTHERS, BUT
THEY'RE FILLED WITH CHEMICALS

OH, I'VE TRIED THE OTHERS, BUT
THEY'RE FILLED WITH CHEMICALS
AND INERT GASES THAT COULD BE

THEY'RE FILLED WITH CHEMICALS
AND INERT GASES THAT COULD BE
HARMFUL TO MY HAIR.

AND INERT GASES THAT COULD BE
HARMFUL TO MY HAIR.
BUT NOT MARTIN SHEEN.

HARMFUL TO MY HAIR.
BUT NOT MARTIN SHEEN.
BECAUSE OF HIS DIET OF

BUT NOT MARTIN SHEEN.
BECAUSE OF HIS DIET OF
ORGANICALLY-GROWN VEGETABLES AND

BECAUSE OF HIS DIET OF
ORGANICALLY-GROWN VEGETABLES AND
LAMB PLACENTA, MARTIN'S SALIVA

ORGANICALLY-GROWN VEGETABLES AND
LAMB PLACENTA, MARTIN'S SALIVA
HAS A BETTER Ph BALANCE THAN

LAMB PLACENTA, MARTIN'S SALIVA
HAS A BETTER Ph BALANCE THAN
ANY OTHER HAIRSPRAY.

HAS A BETTER Ph BALANCE THAN
ANY OTHER HAIRSPRAY.
AND, LOOK, MARTIN SHEEN'S NOT

ANY OTHER HAIRSPRAY.
AND, LOOK, MARTIN SHEEN'S NOT
AEROSOL... NO FLUOROCARBONS THAT

AND, LOOK, MARTIN SHEEN'S NOT
AEROSOL... NO FLUOROCARBONS THAT
COULD DESTROY THE OZONE LAYER.

AEROSOL... NO FLUOROCARBONS THAT
COULD DESTROY THE OZONE LAYER.
YOU WOULDN'T HURT THE OZONE

COULD DESTROY THE OZONE LAYER.
YOU WOULDN'T HURT THE OZONE
LAYER, WOULD YOU?

YOU WOULDN'T HURT THE OZONE
LAYER, WOULD YOU?
NO WAY, JOSE.

LAYER, WOULD YOU?
NO WAY, JOSE.
[LAUGHS] I DIDN'T THINK SO.

NO WAY, JOSE.
[LAUGHS] I DIDN'T THINK SO.
SO IF YOU'RE LIKE ME AND YOU

[LAUGHS] I DIDN'T THINK SO.
SO IF YOU'RE LIKE ME AND YOU
WANT THE PRETTIEST HAIR YOU'VE

SO IF YOU'RE LIKE ME AND YOU
WANT THE PRETTIEST HAIR YOU'VE
EVER SEEN...

WANT THE PRETTIEST HAIR YOU'VE
EVER SEEN...
[SINGSONG]: JUST SPRAY YOURSELF

EVER SEEN...
[SINGSONG]: JUST SPRAY YOURSELF
WITH MARTIN SHEEN!

[SINGSONG]: JUST SPRAY YOURSELF
WITH MARTIN SHEEN!
[APPLAUSE]

WITH MARTIN SHEEN!
[APPLAUSE]
Announcer: MARTIN SHEEN

[APPLAUSE]
Announcer: MARTIN SHEEN
HAIRSPRAY, AVAILABLE WHEREVER

Announcer: MARTIN SHEEN
HAIRSPRAY, AVAILABLE WHEREVER
MARTIN IS.

HAIRSPRAY, AVAILABLE WHEREVER
MARTIN IS.
[APPLAUSE]

ONCE AGAIN, DAVID BOWIE!
["BOYS KEEP SWINGING" PLAYS]
♪ HEAVEN LOVES YOU ♪

["BOYS KEEP SWINGING" PLAYS]
♪ HEAVEN LOVES YOU ♪
♪ THE CLOUDS PART FOR YOU ♪

♪ HEAVEN LOVES YOU ♪
♪ THE CLOUDS PART FOR YOU ♪
♪ NOTHING STANDS IN YOUR WAY

♪ THE CLOUDS PART FOR YOU ♪
♪ NOTHING STANDS IN YOUR WAY
WHEN YOU'RE A BOY ♪

♪ NOTHING STANDS IN YOUR WAY
WHEN YOU'RE A BOY ♪
♪ CLOTHES ALWAYS FIT YOU ♪

WHEN YOU'RE A BOY ♪
♪ CLOTHES ALWAYS FIT YOU ♪
♪ LIFE IS A POP OF THE CHERRY

♪ CLOTHES ALWAYS FIT YOU ♪
♪ LIFE IS A POP OF THE CHERRY
WHEN YOU'RE A BOY ♪

♪ LIFE IS A POP OF THE CHERRY
WHEN YOU'RE A BOY ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE A BOY ♪

WHEN YOU'RE A BOY ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE A BOY ♪
♪ YOU CAN WEAR A UNIFORM ♪

♪ WHEN YOU'RE A BOY ♪
♪ YOU CAN WEAR A UNIFORM ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE A BOY ♪

♪ YOU CAN WEAR A UNIFORM ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE A BOY ♪
[♪...]

♪ WHEN YOU'RE A BOY ♪
[♪...]
♪ WHEN YOU'RE A BOY ♪

[♪...]
♪ WHEN YOU'RE A BOY ♪
♪ THESE ARE YOUR FAVORITE

♪ WHEN YOU'RE A BOY ♪
♪ THESE ARE YOUR FAVORITE
THINGS WHEN YOU'RE A BOY... ♪

♪ THESE ARE YOUR FAVORITE
THINGS WHEN YOU'RE A BOY... ♪
[♪...]

THINGS WHEN YOU'RE A BOY... ♪
[♪...]
♪ BOYS ♪

[♪...]
♪ BOYS ♪
♪ I SAID, BOYS ♪

♪ BOYS ♪
♪ I SAID, BOYS ♪
♪ BOYS KEEP SWINGING ♪

♪ I SAID, BOYS ♪
♪ BOYS KEEP SWINGING ♪
♪ BOYS ALWAYS WORK IT OUT ♪

♪ BOYS KEEP SWINGING ♪
♪ BOYS ALWAYS WORK IT OUT ♪
♪ UNCAGE THE COLORS ♪

♪ BOYS ALWAYS WORK IT OUT ♪
♪ UNCAGE THE COLORS ♪
♪ UNFURL THE FLAG ♪

♪ UNCAGE THE COLORS ♪
♪ UNFURL THE FLAG ♪
♪ LUCK JUST KISSED YOU HELLO

♪ UNFURL THE FLAG ♪
♪ LUCK JUST KISSED YOU HELLO
WHEN YOU'RE A BOY ♪

♪ LUCK JUST KISSED YOU HELLO
WHEN YOU'RE A BOY ♪
♪ THEY'LL NEVER CLONE YOU ♪

WHEN YOU'RE A BOY ♪
♪ THEY'LL NEVER CLONE YOU ♪
♪ YOU'RE ALWAYS FIRST

♪ THEY'LL NEVER CLONE YOU ♪
♪ YOU'RE ALWAYS FIRST
ON THE LINE WHEN YOU'RE A BOY ♪

♪ YOU'RE ALWAYS FIRST
ON THE LINE WHEN YOU'RE A BOY ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE A BOY ♪

ON THE LINE WHEN YOU'RE A BOY ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE A BOY ♪
♪ YOU CAN BUY

♪ WHEN YOU'RE A BOY ♪
♪ YOU CAN BUY
A HOME OF YOUR OWN ♪

♪ YOU CAN BUY
A HOME OF YOUR OWN ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE A BOY ♪

A HOME OF YOUR OWN ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE A BOY ♪
♪ LEARN TO DRIVE

♪ WHEN YOU'RE A BOY ♪
♪ LEARN TO DRIVE
AND EVERYTHING ♪

♪ LEARN TO DRIVE
AND EVERYTHING ♪
♪ YOU'LL GET YOUR SHARE ♪

AND EVERYTHING ♪
♪ YOU'LL GET YOUR SHARE ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE A BOY... ♪

♪ YOU'LL GET YOUR SHARE ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE A BOY... ♪
[♪...]

♪ WHEN YOU'RE A BOY... ♪
[♪...]
♪ BOYS ♪

[♪...]
♪ BOYS ♪
♪ BOYS ♪

♪ BOYS ♪
♪ BOYS ♪
♪ BOYS KEEP SWINGING ♪

♪ BOYS ♪
♪ BOYS KEEP SWINGING ♪
♪ BOYS ALWAYS WORK IT OUT. ♪

♪ BOYS KEEP SWINGING ♪
♪ BOYS ALWAYS WORK IT OUT. ♪
[♪...]

[MUSIC ENDS,
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[♪...]

[FAINT SHOUTING]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANKS VERY MUCH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANKS VERY MUCH.
WE HAD A LOT OF FUN.

THANKS VERY MUCH.
WE HAD A LOT OF FUN.
GOOD NIGHT.

WE HAD A LOT OF FUN.
GOOD NIGHT.
[CHEERING CONTINUES, ♪...]

[♪...]

Announcer: NEXT SATURDAY

NIGHT, OUR HOST WILL BE TED

KNIGHT, WITH ANDY KAUFMAN AND

MUSICAL GUEST DESMOND CHILD

AND ROUGE.

THIS WEDNESDAY, WATCH THE BEST

OF SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE AT

10:00, 9:00 MOUNTAIN

AND CENTRAL.

THIS IS DON PARDO.

I'M THE SAME VOICE, MOUNTAIN

AND CENTRAL.

GOOD NIGHT!

[♪...]