Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 5, Episode 5 - Bea Arthur/The Roches - full transcript

Aide: CONGRATULATIONS,
GOVERNOR, GREAT SPEECH!
I THINK YOU REALLY CAME

GOVERNOR, GREAT SPEECH!
I THINK YOU REALLY CAME
ACROSS AS A LEADER.

I THINK YOU REALLY CAME
ACROSS AS A LEADER.
OH, YES, MR. REAGAN,

ACROSS AS A LEADER.
OH, YES, MR. REAGAN,
YOU JUST SIT DOWN RIGHT HERE,

OH, YES, MR. REAGAN,
YOU JUST SIT DOWN RIGHT HERE,
AND I'LL GET THAT MAKE-UP

YOU JUST SIT DOWN RIGHT HERE,
AND I'LL GET THAT MAKE-UP
OFF YOU IN JUST A JIFFY!

AND I'LL GET THAT MAKE-UP
OFF YOU IN JUST A JIFFY!
GOVERNOR, WE'VE GOT A CAR

OFF YOU IN JUST A JIFFY!
GOVERNOR, WE'VE GOT A CAR
WAITING OUTSIDE TO TAKE YOU

GOVERNOR, WE'VE GOT A CAR
WAITING OUTSIDE TO TAKE YOU
BACK TO THE HOTEL.

WAITING OUTSIDE TO TAKE YOU
BACK TO THE HOTEL.
YOU CAN TAKE A WELL-DESERVED

BACK TO THE HOTEL.
YOU CAN TAKE A WELL-DESERVED
REST BEFORE DINNER.



YOU CAN TAKE A WELL-DESERVED
REST BEFORE DINNER.
I'VE GOT YOUR DENTURES

REST BEFORE DINNER.
I'VE GOT YOUR DENTURES
RIGHT HERE.

I'VE GOT YOUR DENTURES
RIGHT HERE.
WE'LL HAVE THEM CLEANED

RIGHT HERE.
WE'LL HAVE THEM CLEANED
AND LEFT IN YOUR ROOM.

WE'LL HAVE THEM CLEANED
AND LEFT IN YOUR ROOM.
OH, LISTEN, WE WATCHED

AND LEFT IN YOUR ROOM.
OH, LISTEN, WE WATCHED
THAT SPEECH IN THE CONTROL ROOM.

OH, LISTEN, WE WATCHED
THAT SPEECH IN THE CONTROL ROOM.
IT WAS REALLY GREAT

THAT SPEECH IN THE CONTROL ROOM.
IT WAS REALLY GREAT
AND YOU LOOKED GREAT!

IT WAS REALLY GREAT
AND YOU LOOKED GREAT!
GOVERNOR, I, UH...

AND YOU LOOKED GREAT!
GOVERNOR, I, UH...
I WANT TO GO OVER

GOVERNOR, I, UH...
I WANT TO GO OVER
TOMORROW'S ITINERARY.

I WANT TO GO OVER
TOMORROW'S ITINERARY.
IT'S GOING TO BE KIND OF

TOMORROW'S ITINERARY.
IT'S GOING TO BE KIND OF
A LONG DAY.

IT'S GOING TO BE KIND OF
A LONG DAY.
I WANT YOU UP AT 10:30 FOR THE



A LONG DAY.
I WANT YOU UP AT 10:30 FOR THE
11:30 FLIGHT TO NEW HAMPSHIRE...

I WANT YOU UP AT 10:30 FOR THE
11:30 FLIGHT TO NEW HAMPSHIRE...
DON'T WORRY, YOU CAN SLEEP

11:30 FLIGHT TO NEW HAMPSHIRE...
DON'T WORRY, YOU CAN SLEEP
ON THE PLANE.

DON'T WORRY, YOU CAN SLEEP
ON THE PLANE.
1:00, THERE'S A WORKING

ON THE PLANE.
1:00, THERE'S A WORKING
LUNCH ON CHINA.

1:00, THERE'S A WORKING
LUNCH ON CHINA.
YOU'LL BE BRIEFED

LUNCH ON CHINA.
YOU'LL BE BRIEFED
BY WILLIAM LOWE AND BOB HOPE.

YOU'LL BE BRIEFED
BY WILLIAM LOWE AND BOB HOPE.
UH, JUST SOME COTTAGE CHEESE

BY WILLIAM LOWE AND BOB HOPE.
UH, JUST SOME COTTAGE CHEESE
AND RICE PUDDING...

UH, JUST SOME COTTAGE CHEESE
AND RICE PUDDING...
NOW, AFTER LUNCH, NAP TILL 3:00.

AND RICE PUDDING...
NOW, AFTER LUNCH, NAP TILL 3:00.
3:15, MEETING WITH MILTON

NOW, AFTER LUNCH, NAP TILL 3:00.
3:15, MEETING WITH MILTON
FRIEDMAN, ALAN GREENSPAN,

3:15, MEETING WITH MILTON
FRIEDMAN, ALAN GREENSPAN,
JACK KEMP AND TERRY BRADSHAW

FRIEDMAN, ALAN GREENSPAN,
JACK KEMP AND TERRY BRADSHAW
ON INFLATION AND FOOTBALL.

JACK KEMP AND TERRY BRADSHAW
ON INFLATION AND FOOTBALL.
AND I PROMISE I'LL HAVE YOU BACK

ON INFLATION AND FOOTBALL.
AND I PROMISE I'LL HAVE YOU BACK
TO THE HOTEL NO LATER THAN 3:45

AND I PROMISE I'LL HAVE YOU BACK
TO THE HOTEL NO LATER THAN 3:45
FOR THAT NAP.

TO THE HOTEL NO LATER THAN 3:45
FOR THAT NAP.
5:00, I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT

FOR THAT NAP.
5:00, I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT
WANNA KNOW THEY'RE SHOWING

5:00, I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT
WANNA KNOW THEY'RE SHOWING
PART 1 OF OCEAN'S ELEVEN

WANNA KNOW THEY'RE SHOWING
PART 1 OF OCEAN'S ELEVEN
ON THE EARLY MOVIE.

PART 1 OF OCEAN'S ELEVEN
ON THE EARLY MOVIE.
[REAGAN MUMBLES INAUDIBLY]

ON THE EARLY MOVIE.
[REAGAN MUMBLES INAUDIBLY]
UH, YEAH, DANNY OCEAN TRIES

[REAGAN MUMBLES INAUDIBLY]
UH, YEAH, DANNY OCEAN TRIES
TO ROB A CASINO IN VEGAS,

UH, YEAH, DANNY OCEAN TRIES
TO ROB A CASINO IN VEGAS,
THE WHOLE RAT PACK'S IN IT...

TO ROB A CASINO IN VEGAS,
THE WHOLE RAT PACK'S IN IT...
FRANK, DEAN, SAMMY, JOEY...

THE WHOLE RAT PACK'S IN IT...
FRANK, DEAN, SAMMY, JOEY...
HEY, LISTEN, MR. REAGAN,

FRANK, DEAN, SAMMY, JOEY...
HEY, LISTEN, MR. REAGAN,
DO YOU EVER GET TO WATCH

HEY, LISTEN, MR. REAGAN,
DO YOU EVER GET TO WATCH
YOUR OWN MOVIES?

DO YOU EVER GET TO WATCH
YOUR OWN MOVIES?
'CAUSE, LIKE, I ONCE SAW ONE

YOUR OWN MOVIES?
'CAUSE, LIKE, I ONCE SAW ONE
THAT WAS CALLED KING'S ROW,

'CAUSE, LIKE, I ONCE SAW ONE
THAT WAS CALLED KING'S ROW,
AND...

THAT WAS CALLED KING'S ROW,
AND...
DID YOU REALLY GET YOUR

AND...
DID YOU REALLY GET YOUR
LEGS CUT OFF IN THAT?

DID YOU REALLY GET YOUR
LEGS CUT OFF IN THAT?
OR, LIKE, WERE YOU SITTING

LEGS CUT OFF IN THAT?
OR, LIKE, WERE YOU SITTING
ON 'EM OR DID YOU HAVE

OR, LIKE, WERE YOU SITTING
ON 'EM OR DID YOU HAVE
SPECIAL PANTS, OR SOMETHING?

ON 'EM OR DID YOU HAVE
SPECIAL PANTS, OR SOMETHING?
UH, EXCUSE ME, GOVERNOR,

SPECIAL PANTS, OR SOMETHING?
UH, EXCUSE ME, GOVERNOR,
THE MOVIE'S OVER AT 6:30,

UH, EXCUSE ME, GOVERNOR,
THE MOVIE'S OVER AT 6:30,
YOU HAVE A NAP TILL 8:00.

THE MOVIE'S OVER AT 6:30,
YOU HAVE A NAP TILL 8:00.
THEN, AT 8:30, WE HAVE COCKTAILS

YOU HAVE A NAP TILL 8:00.
THEN, AT 8:30, WE HAVE COCKTAILS
IN THE EDMUND BURKE ROOM

THEN, AT 8:30, WE HAVE COCKTAILS
IN THE EDMUND BURKE ROOM
AT THE HOTEL, THAT'S THE...

IN THE EDMUND BURKE ROOM
AT THE HOTEL, THAT'S THE...
REACTIONARY DEMOCRATS

AT THE HOTEL, THAT'S THE...
REACTIONARY DEMOCRATS
FOR REAGAN...

REACTIONARY DEMOCRATS
FOR REAGAN...
FOLLOWED BY A VERY SHORT NAP,

FOR REAGAN...
FOLLOWED BY A VERY SHORT NAP,
THEN 9:15 TO DINNER.

FOLLOWED BY A VERY SHORT NAP,
THEN 9:15 TO DINNER.
[REAGAN MUMBLES]

THEN 9:15 TO DINNER.
[REAGAN MUMBLES]
DON'T WORRY, DON'T WORRY,

[REAGAN MUMBLES]
DON'T WORRY, DON'T WORRY,
IT'S CREAM OF TOMATO SOUP,

DON'T WORRY, DON'T WORRY,
IT'S CREAM OF TOMATO SOUP,
BONELESS CHICKEN BREAST, BOILED,

IT'S CREAM OF TOMATO SOUP,
BONELESS CHICKEN BREAST, BOILED,
WITH MASHED POTATOES,

BONELESS CHICKEN BREAST, BOILED,
WITH MASHED POTATOES,
AND FOR DESSERT, YOUR CHOICE:

WITH MASHED POTATOES,
AND FOR DESSERT, YOUR CHOICE:
JELL-O OR APPLESAUCE.

AND FOR DESSERT, YOUR CHOICE:
JELL-O OR APPLESAUCE.
FOR 10 MINUTES, AT 10:00,

JELL-O OR APPLESAUCE.
FOR 10 MINUTES, AT 10:00,
YOU SPEAK.

FOR 10 MINUTES, AT 10:00,
YOU SPEAK.
YOU'LL BE BACK IN YOUR ROOM BY

YOU SPEAK.
YOU'LL BE BACK IN YOUR ROOM BY
10:30... SINCE IT'S SO LATE,

YOU'LL BE BACK IN YOUR ROOM BY
10:30... SINCE IT'S SO LATE,
I'D SKIP THE NAP AND

10:30... SINCE IT'S SO LATE,
I'D SKIP THE NAP AND
GO STRAIGHT TO BED.

I'D SKIP THE NAP AND
GO STRAIGHT TO BED.
WELL, I GOTTA CHECK THE CAR.

GO STRAIGHT TO BED.
WELL, I GOTTA CHECK THE CAR.
GREAT SPEECH!

WELL, I GOTTA CHECK THE CAR.
GREAT SPEECH!
MR. REAGAN, CAN I ASK YOU

GREAT SPEECH!
MR. REAGAN, CAN I ASK YOU
A QUESTION?

MR. REAGAN, CAN I ASK YOU
A QUESTION?
UH-HUH.

A QUESTION?
UH-HUH.
YOU WERE ONCE PRESIDENT

UH-HUH.
YOU WERE ONCE PRESIDENT
OF THE SCREEN ACTORS GUILD,

YOU WERE ONCE PRESIDENT
OF THE SCREEN ACTORS GUILD,
WEREN'T YOU?

OF THE SCREEN ACTORS GUILD,
WEREN'T YOU?
'CAUSE, LIKE, I WAS WONDERING,

WEREN'T YOU?
'CAUSE, LIKE, I WAS WONDERING,
YOU KNOW, I MAKE-UP A LOT

'CAUSE, LIKE, I WAS WONDERING,
YOU KNOW, I MAKE-UP A LOT
OF ACTRESSES, AND STUFF...

YOU KNOW, I MAKE-UP A LOT
OF ACTRESSES, AND STUFF...
AND I REALLY THINK THAT I CAN DO

OF ACTRESSES, AND STUFF...
AND I REALLY THINK THAT I CAN DO
A BETTER JOB THAN THEY DO.

AND I REALLY THINK THAT I CAN DO
A BETTER JOB THAN THEY DO.
BUT, LIKE, I MEAN, IS THERE

A BETTER JOB THAN THEY DO.
BUT, LIKE, I MEAN, IS THERE
ANYTHING YOU CAN, LIKE, SAY TO

BUT, LIKE, I MEAN, IS THERE
ANYTHING YOU CAN, LIKE, SAY TO
GET INTO THE GUILD?

ANYTHING YOU CAN, LIKE, SAY TO
GET INTO THE GUILD?
[MUMBLES INAUDIBLY]

GET INTO THE GUILD?
[MUMBLES INAUDIBLY]
HUH?

[MUMBLES INAUDIBLY]
HUH?
[MUMBLES AGAIN, SLOWLY]

HUH?
[MUMBLES AGAIN, SLOWLY]
LIVE FROM NEW YORK,

[MUMBLES AGAIN, SLOWLY]
LIVE FROM NEW YORK,
IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT.

LIVE FROM NEW YORK,
IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT.
OH!

IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT.
OH!
LIVE FROM NEW YORK,

OH!
LIVE FROM NEW YORK,
IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!

LIVE FROM NEW YORK,
IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

Announcer: IT'S SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE!
WITH BEA ARTHUR!

NIGHT LIVE!
WITH BEA ARTHUR!
[♪...]

STARRING JANE CURTIN,
GARRETT MORRIS,
BILL MURRAY,

GARRETT MORRIS,
BILL MURRAY,
LARAINE NEWMAN,

BILL MURRAY,
LARAINE NEWMAN,
AND GILDA RADNER!

WITH MUSICAL GUESTS,
THE ROCHES!

AND FEATURING TOM DAVIS,
PAUL SHAFFER,
AND HARRY SHEARER.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
BEA ARTHUR!
[APPLAUSE]

OH, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
WOW!
WOW!

WOW!
WOW!
OH!

WOW!
OH!
THANK YOU, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

OH!
THANK YOU, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
IT IS SO GOOD TO BE

THANK YOU, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
IT IS SO GOOD TO BE
BACK IN NEW YORK.

IT IS SO GOOD TO BE
BACK IN NEW YORK.
AND IT'S GREAT TO BE

BACK IN NEW YORK.
AND IT'S GREAT TO BE
APPEARING LIVE.

AND IT'S GREAT TO BE
APPEARING LIVE.
YOU KNOW, THE BROADWAY STAGE

APPEARING LIVE.
YOU KNOW, THE BROADWAY STAGE
IS PART OF MY BACKGROUND,

YOU KNOW, THE BROADWAY STAGE
IS PART OF MY BACKGROUND,
ESPECIALLY MUSICALS...

IS PART OF MY BACKGROUND,
ESPECIALLY MUSICALS...
AND I LOVE TO SING.

ESPECIALLY MUSICALS...
AND I LOVE TO SING.
I WAS REALLY THRILLED WHEN THEY

AND I LOVE TO SING.
I WAS REALLY THRILLED WHEN THEY
TOLD ME THAT I COULD DO A SONG

I WAS REALLY THRILLED WHEN THEY
TOLD ME THAT I COULD DO A SONG
ON THE SHOW.

TOLD ME THAT I COULD DO A SONG
ON THE SHOW.
AND I MUST SAY, I'VE BEEN

ON THE SHOW.
AND I MUST SAY, I'VE BEEN
REHEARSING ALL WEEK WITH

AND I MUST SAY, I'VE BEEN
REHEARSING ALL WEEK WITH
A MOST MARVELOUS,

REHEARSING ALL WEEK WITH
A MOST MARVELOUS,
MARVELOUS MUSICIAN,

A MOST MARVELOUS,
MARVELOUS MUSICIAN,
MR. PAUL SHAFFER.

MARVELOUS MUSICIAN,
MR. PAUL SHAFFER.
[APPLAUSE]

HE'S JUST FABULOUS AND
WE WOULD LIKE TO DO
AN OLD BART HOWARD SONG

WE WOULD LIKE TO DO
AN OLD BART HOWARD SONG
CALLED "LET ME LOVE YOU".

AN OLD BART HOWARD SONG
CALLED "LET ME LOVE YOU".
PAUL?

♪ LET ME LOVE YOU ♪
♪ LET ME SAY THAT I DO ♪
♪ IF YOU LEND ME YOUR EAR ♪

♪ LET ME SAY THAT I DO ♪
♪ IF YOU LEND ME YOUR EAR ♪
♪ I'LL MAKE IT CLEAR ♪

♪ IF YOU LEND ME YOUR EAR ♪
♪ I'LL MAKE IT CLEAR ♪
♪ THE WAY THAT I DO ♪

♪ I'LL MAKE IT CLEAR ♪
♪ THE WAY THAT I DO ♪
♪ LET ME WHISPER IT ♪

♪ THE WAY THAT I DO ♪
♪ LET ME WHISPER IT ♪
♪ OH, LET ME SIGH IT ♪

♪ LET ME WHISPER IT ♪
♪ OH, LET ME SIGH IT ♪
♪ LET ME SING IT, MY DEAR ♪

♪ OH, LET ME SIGH IT ♪
♪ LET ME SING IT, MY DEAR ♪
♪ OR I WILL CRY IT ♪

♪ LET ME SING IT, MY DEAR ♪
♪ OR I WILL CRY IT ♪
♪ LET ME LOVE YOU ♪

♪ OR I WILL CRY IT ♪
♪ LET ME LOVE YOU ♪
♪ LET ME SHOW THAT I DO ♪

♪ LET ME LOVE YOU ♪
♪ LET ME SHOW THAT I DO ♪
♪ LET ME DO A MILLION ♪

♪ LET ME SHOW THAT I DO ♪
♪ LET ME DO A MILLION ♪
♪ IMPOSSIBLE THINGS ♪

♪ LET ME DO A MILLION ♪
♪ IMPOSSIBLE THINGS ♪
♪ SO YOU'LL KNOW THAT I DO ♪

♪ IMPOSSIBLE THINGS ♪
♪ SO YOU'LL KNOW THAT I DO ♪
♪ I'LL BUY YOU THE DAWN ♪

♪ SO YOU'LL KNOW THAT I DO ♪
♪ I'LL BUY YOU THE DAWN ♪
♪ IF YOU LET ME LOVE YOU TODAY ♪

♪ I'LL BUY YOU THE DAWN ♪
♪ IF YOU LET ME LOVE YOU TODAY ♪
♪ AND TOMORROW ♪

♪ IF YOU LET ME LOVE YOU TODAY ♪
♪ AND TOMORROW ♪
♪ I'LL SEND YOU MERRILY ♪

♪ AND TOMORROW ♪
♪ I'LL SEND YOU MERRILY ♪
♪ ON YOUR WAY ♪

♪ I'LL SEND YOU MERRILY ♪
♪ ON YOUR WAY ♪
[APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!

Announcer: YOU'VE BEEN ADRIFT
FOR WEEKS ON BOARD A DANGEROUSLY
OVERCROWDED VESSEL.

FOR WEEKS ON BOARD A DANGEROUSLY
OVERCROWDED VESSEL.
YOU'RE TIRED, YOU'RE HOMELESS,

OVERCROWDED VESSEL.
YOU'RE TIRED, YOU'RE HOMELESS,
YOU'RE BEAT...

YOU'RE TIRED, YOU'RE HOMELESS,
YOU'RE BEAT...
NO COUNTRY WANTS YOU.

YOU'RE BEAT...
NO COUNTRY WANTS YOU.
YOUR LOVED ONES HAVE SCURVY.

NO COUNTRY WANTS YOU.
YOUR LOVED ONES HAVE SCURVY.
IF ANYONE DESERVES A BREAK,

YOUR LOVED ONES HAVE SCURVY.
IF ANYONE DESERVES A BREAK,
YOU DO.

IF ANYONE DESERVES A BREAK,
YOU DO.
NOW IS THE TIME TO BREAK OUT

YOU DO.
NOW IS THE TIME TO BREAK OUT
THE SPUD!

NOW IS THE TIME TO BREAK OUT
THE SPUD!
[GONG]

THE SPUD!
[GONG]
BREWED FOR BOAT PEOPLE WHO

[GONG]
BREWED FOR BOAT PEOPLE WHO
REALLY KNOW WHAT THEY WANT

BREWED FOR BOAT PEOPLE WHO
REALLY KNOW WHAT THEY WANT
IN A BEER.

♪ HEY, JUST SAY SPUD ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE WITHOUT A HOME ♪
♪ THE WORLD YOU ROAM ♪

♪ WHEN YOU'RE WITHOUT A HOME ♪
♪ THE WORLD YOU ROAM ♪
♪ SO BLOW OFF THE FOAM ♪

♪ THE WORLD YOU ROAM ♪
♪ SO BLOW OFF THE FOAM ♪
♪ HAVE A NICE COLD SPUD ♪

♪ SO BLOW OFF THE FOAM ♪
♪ HAVE A NICE COLD SPUD ♪
♪ IT'S GOT THE TASTE SO GRAND ♪

♪ HAVE A NICE COLD SPUD ♪
♪ IT'S GOT THE TASTE SO GRAND ♪
♪ TO HELL WITH LAND ♪

♪ IT'S GOT THE TASTE SO GRAND ♪
♪ TO HELL WITH LAND ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'VE GOT SPUD ♪

♪ TO HELL WITH LAND ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'VE GOT SPUD ♪
[GONG]

♪ OH, SPUD ♪

BROUGHT THE BEATLES TOGETHER.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MR. AND MRS. ANDERSON
I'M AFRAID THAT...
THE BIOPSY CAME OUT POSITIVE.

I'M AFRAID THAT...
THE BIOPSY CAME OUT POSITIVE.
THEN, YOU'LL HAVE TO

THE BIOPSY CAME OUT POSITIVE.
THEN, YOU'LL HAVE TO
PERFORM A MASTECTOMY?

THEN, YOU'LL HAVE TO
PERFORM A MASTECTOMY?
Doctor: THAT'S RIGHT.

PERFORM A MASTECTOMY?
Doctor: THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU MEAN, CUT OFF HER BREAST?

Doctor: THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU MEAN, CUT OFF HER BREAST?
Doctor: I'M AFRAID SO.

YOU MEAN, CUT OFF HER BREAST?
Doctor: I'M AFRAID SO.
WHY ME?

Doctor: I'M AFRAID SO.
WHY ME?
GOD, WHY ME?

WHY ME?
GOD, WHY ME?
Announcer: FIRST HE CRIES.

SO, BEFORE I WENT UNDER
I SAID TO DOCTOR JENSEN,
WILL I STILL BE ABLE

I SAID TO DOCTOR JENSEN,
WILL I STILL BE ABLE
TO PLAY THE VIOLIN?

WILL I STILL BE ABLE
TO PLAY THE VIOLIN?
AND SHE SAID TO ME,

TO PLAY THE VIOLIN?
AND SHE SAID TO ME,
"WELL, OF COURSE YOU WILL."

AND SHE SAID TO ME,
"WELL, OF COURSE YOU WILL."
AND I SAID, WELL, THAT'S FUNNY,

"WELL, OF COURSE YOU WILL."
AND I SAID, WELL, THAT'S FUNNY,
I NEVER COULD PLAY BEFORE!

AND I SAID, WELL, THAT'S FUNNY,
I NEVER COULD PLAY BEFORE!
[ALL LAUGH]

I NEVER COULD PLAY BEFORE!
[ALL LAUGH]
THAT'S A TRUE STORY.

[ALL LAUGH]
THAT'S A TRUE STORY.
OH, IRENE, YOU'RE AMAZING.

THAT'S A TRUE STORY.
OH, IRENE, YOU'RE AMAZING.
I DON'T KNOW IF I COULD BEAR IT.

OH, IRENE, YOU'RE AMAZING.
I DON'T KNOW IF I COULD BEAR IT.
OH, REALLY, YOU COULD, GRACE.

I DON'T KNOW IF I COULD BEAR IT.
OH, REALLY, YOU COULD, GRACE.
I MEAN, YOU HAVE NO CHOICE.

OH, REALLY, YOU COULD, GRACE.
I MEAN, YOU HAVE NO CHOICE.
OH, MOM, YOU'RE SO WONDERFUL.

I MEAN, YOU HAVE NO CHOICE.
OH, MOM, YOU'RE SO WONDERFUL.
WHAT ABOUT ME, HUH?

OH, MOM, YOU'RE SO WONDERFUL.
WHAT ABOUT ME, HUH?
WHAT ABOUT ME?

WHAT ABOUT ME, HUH?
WHAT ABOUT ME?
I'M STUCK WITH SOME KIND OF

WHAT ABOUT ME?
I'M STUCK WITH SOME KIND OF
HIDEOUS, DEFORMED FREAK!

I'M STUCK WITH SOME KIND OF
HIDEOUS, DEFORMED FREAK!
DAD!

HIDEOUS, DEFORMED FREAK!
DAD!
NO...

DAD!
NO...
LET HIM GO, LET HIM GO.

NO...
LET HIM GO, LET HIM GO.
HE NEEDS TO BE BY HIMSELF.

LET HIM GO, LET HIM GO.
HE NEEDS TO BE BY HIMSELF.
LARRY'S BEEN THROUGH A LOT.

HE NEEDS TO BE BY HIMSELF.
LARRY'S BEEN THROUGH A LOT.
YOU'RE ALL GONNA HAVE TO BE

LARRY'S BEEN THROUGH A LOT.
YOU'RE ALL GONNA HAVE TO BE
PATIENT WITH HIM...

YOU'RE ALL GONNA HAVE TO BE
PATIENT WITH HIM...
ESPECIALLY YOU, IRENE.

PATIENT WITH HIM...
ESPECIALLY YOU, IRENE.
WELL, WAIT A MINUTE, UH...

ESPECIALLY YOU, IRENE.
WELL, WAIT A MINUTE, UH...
I'M THE ONE WHO

WELL, WAIT A MINUTE, UH...
I'M THE ONE WHO
LOST A BREAST HERE.

I'M THE ONE WHO
LOST A BREAST HERE.
OH, WHY DON'T YOU COME DOWN

LOST A BREAST HERE.
OH, WHY DON'T YOU COME DOWN
OFF YOUR HIGH HORSE!

OH, WHY DON'T YOU COME DOWN
OFF YOUR HIGH HORSE!
[LAUGHTER]

OFF YOUR HIGH HORSE!
[LAUGHTER]
LARRY'S GOING THROUGH HELL

[LAUGHTER]
LARRY'S GOING THROUGH HELL
RIGHT NOW!

LARRY'S GOING THROUGH HELL
RIGHT NOW!
YOU TOOK AWAY SOMETHING

RIGHT NOW!
YOU TOOK AWAY SOMETHING
VERY IMPORTANT TO HIM.

YOU TOOK AWAY SOMETHING
VERY IMPORTANT TO HIM.
MY BREAST?

VERY IMPORTANT TO HIM.
MY BREAST?
PRECISELY.

MY BREAST?
PRECISELY.
YOU SEE, BREASTS ARE VERY

PRECISELY.
YOU SEE, BREASTS ARE VERY
IMPORTANT TO MEN IN OUR CULTURE.

YOU SEE, BREASTS ARE VERY
IMPORTANT TO MEN IN OUR CULTURE.
WOMEN WITH ATTRACTIVE BREASTS

IMPORTANT TO MEN IN OUR CULTURE.
WOMEN WITH ATTRACTIVE BREASTS
ARE CONSIDERED SEXUALLY

WOMEN WITH ATTRACTIVE BREASTS
ARE CONSIDERED SEXUALLY
ATTRACTIVE AND EXCITING.

ARE CONSIDERED SEXUALLY
ATTRACTIVE AND EXCITING.
NOW, SOME MEN LIKE

ATTRACTIVE AND EXCITING.
NOW, SOME MEN LIKE
ROUND BREASTS.

NOW, SOME MEN LIKE
ROUND BREASTS.
SOME LIKE POINTED BREASTS.

ROUND BREASTS.
SOME LIKE POINTED BREASTS.
SOME LIKE LARGE BREASTS,

SOME LIKE POINTED BREASTS.
SOME LIKE LARGE BREASTS,
SOME LIKE SMALL BREASTS,

SOME LIKE LARGE BREASTS,
SOME LIKE SMALL BREASTS,
ALTHOUGH MOST MEN DO

SOME LIKE SMALL BREASTS,
ALTHOUGH MOST MEN DO
PREFER LARGER BREASTS.

ALTHOUGH MOST MEN DO
PREFER LARGER BREASTS.
BUT ALL MEN, I MEAN WITH THE

PREFER LARGER BREASTS.
BUT ALL MEN, I MEAN WITH THE
EXCEPTION OF VERY, VERY FEW,

BUT ALL MEN, I MEAN WITH THE
EXCEPTION OF VERY, VERY FEW,
ALL MEN LIKE THEIR WOMEN

EXCEPTION OF VERY, VERY FEW,
ALL MEN LIKE THEIR WOMEN
WITH TWO BREASTS.

ALL MEN LIKE THEIR WOMEN
WITH TWO BREASTS.
[LAUGHTER]

WITH TWO BREASTS.
[LAUGHTER]
AND TO THINK... I'VE BEEN

[LAUGHTER]
AND TO THINK... I'VE BEEN
FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF.

AND TO THINK... I'VE BEEN
FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF.
POOR DAD.

FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF.
POOR DAD.
WELL, I'M GONNA TRY

POOR DAD.
WELL, I'M GONNA TRY
TO TALK TO LARRY.

WELL, I'M GONNA TRY
TO TALK TO LARRY.
IN THE MEANTIME...

TO TALK TO LARRY.
IN THE MEANTIME...
THINK ABOUT WHAT I SAID.

IN THE MEANTIME...
THINK ABOUT WHAT I SAID.
THANK YOU, DOCTOR.

THINK ABOUT WHAT I SAID.
THANK YOU, DOCTOR.
YOU'VE BEEN WONDERFUL.

THANK YOU, DOCTOR.
YOU'VE BEEN WONDERFUL.
YOU KNOW IRENE, WHAT SHE SAID

YOU'VE BEEN WONDERFUL.
YOU KNOW IRENE, WHAT SHE SAID
MAKES A LOT OF SENSE.

YOU KNOW IRENE, WHAT SHE SAID
MAKES A LOT OF SENSE.
I WENT IN FOR A CHECKUP

MAKES A LOT OF SENSE.
I WENT IN FOR A CHECKUP
A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO

I WENT IN FOR A CHECKUP
A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO
AND BOB GOT MAD AT ME.

A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO
AND BOB GOT MAD AT ME.
WELL, THAT'S CRAZY.

AND BOB GOT MAD AT ME.
WELL, THAT'S CRAZY.
BOB'S CRAZY.

WELL, THAT'S CRAZY.
BOB'S CRAZY.
CRAZY ABOUT MY BREASTS.

BOB'S CRAZY.
CRAZY ABOUT MY BREASTS.
[LAUGHTER]

LARRY, I'M VERY GLAD YOU
COULD COME IN AND TALK TO ME
TODAY.

COULD COME IN AND TALK TO ME
TODAY.
IRENE IS GETTING OUT OF THE

TODAY.
IRENE IS GETTING OUT OF THE
HOSPITAL TOMORROW.

IRENE IS GETTING OUT OF THE
HOSPITAL TOMORROW.
IT'S GONNA BE VERY DIFFICULT

HOSPITAL TOMORROW.
IT'S GONNA BE VERY DIFFICULT
FOR YOU.

IT'S GONNA BE VERY DIFFICULT
FOR YOU.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A LOT

FOR YOU.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A LOT
OF ADJUSTMENTS TO MAKE.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A LOT
OF ADJUSTMENTS TO MAKE.
WELL, I'M GLAD SOMEONE'S

OF ADJUSTMENTS TO MAKE.
WELL, I'M GLAD SOMEONE'S
FINALLY THINKING ABOUT ME.

WELL, I'M GLAD SOMEONE'S
FINALLY THINKING ABOUT ME.
OH, COME ON, LARRY.

FINALLY THINKING ABOUT ME.
OH, COME ON, LARRY.
THAT'S NOT FAIR!

OH, COME ON, LARRY.
THAT'S NOT FAIR!
I'VE BEEN THINKING

THAT'S NOT FAIR!
I'VE BEEN THINKING
ABOUT YOU ALL ALONG.

I'VE BEEN THINKING
ABOUT YOU ALL ALONG.
OH, YEAH...

ABOUT YOU ALL ALONG.
OH, YEAH...
I NOTICE IT'S MY WIFE

OH, YEAH...
I NOTICE IT'S MY WIFE
THAT'S GETTING ALL THE MEDICINE

I NOTICE IT'S MY WIFE
THAT'S GETTING ALL THE MEDICINE
AND ALL THE PHYSICAL THERAPY.

THAT'S GETTING ALL THE MEDICINE
AND ALL THE PHYSICAL THERAPY.
WHAT ABOUT ME?

AND ALL THE PHYSICAL THERAPY.
WHAT ABOUT ME?
I'M THE ONE WHO'S SUPPOSED TO

WHAT ABOUT ME?
I'M THE ONE WHO'S SUPPOSED TO
GO OUT INTO THE WORLD AND FACE

I'M THE ONE WHO'S SUPPOSED TO
GO OUT INTO THE WORLD AND FACE
ALL THE CRUEL LAUGHTER

GO OUT INTO THE WORLD AND FACE
ALL THE CRUEL LAUGHTER
AND HUMILIATION.

ALL THE CRUEL LAUGHTER
AND HUMILIATION.
PEOPLE POINTING AT ME

AND HUMILIATION.
PEOPLE POINTING AT ME
AND SAYING, "OH, THAT'S HIM."

PEOPLE POINTING AT ME
AND SAYING, "OH, THAT'S HIM."
"HE'S THE GUY MARRIED

AND SAYING, "OH, THAT'S HIM."
"HE'S THE GUY MARRIED
TO MISS UNI-BOOB."

"HE'S THE GUY MARRIED
TO MISS UNI-BOOB."
[LAUGHTER]

TO MISS UNI-BOOB."
[LAUGHTER]
LARRY, LARRY LISTEN TO ME.

[LAUGHTER]
LARRY, LARRY LISTEN TO ME.
I'M NOT SAYING THAT IT'S GOING

LARRY, LARRY LISTEN TO ME.
I'M NOT SAYING THAT IT'S GOING
TO BE EASY, ESPECIALLY AT FIRST,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT IT'S GOING
TO BE EASY, ESPECIALLY AT FIRST,
BUT REMEMBER LARRY,

TO BE EASY, ESPECIALLY AT FIRST,
BUT REMEMBER LARRY,
TIME IS THE GREAT HEALER.

BUT REMEMBER LARRY,
TIME IS THE GREAT HEALER.
IS THE GREAT HEALER

TIME IS THE GREAT HEALER.
IS THE GREAT HEALER
GONNA GROW ANOTHER BREAST?

IS THE GREAT HEALER
GONNA GROW ANOTHER BREAST?
VERY FUNNY, DOCTOR!

GONNA GROW ANOTHER BREAST?
VERY FUNNY, DOCTOR!
REAL FUNNY!

VERY FUNNY, DOCTOR!
REAL FUNNY!
I JUST WISH THAT YOU COULD

REAL FUNNY!
I JUST WISH THAT YOU COULD
WALK IN MY SHOES.

I JUST WISH THAT YOU COULD
WALK IN MY SHOES.
I WISH I COULD, LARRY,

WALK IN MY SHOES.
I WISH I COULD, LARRY,
BUT BEING A WOMAN THERE'S NO WAY

I WISH I COULD, LARRY,
BUT BEING A WOMAN THERE'S NO WAY
I COULD UNDERSTAND WHAT

BUT BEING A WOMAN THERE'S NO WAY
I COULD UNDERSTAND WHAT
YOU'RE GOING THROUGH.

I COULD UNDERSTAND WHAT
YOU'RE GOING THROUGH.
I COULD ONLY TRY TO SYMPATHIZE.

YOU'RE GOING THROUGH.
I COULD ONLY TRY TO SYMPATHIZE.
I DON'T WANT YOUR SYMPATHY!

I COULD ONLY TRY TO SYMPATHIZE.
I DON'T WANT YOUR SYMPATHY!
I JUST WANT MY LIFE

I DON'T WANT YOUR SYMPATHY!
I JUST WANT MY LIFE
THE WAY IT WAS BEFORE.

I JUST WANT MY LIFE
THE WAY IT WAS BEFORE.
[SOBS]

♪ [PIANO MUSIC] ♪

OKAY, NOW LISTEN EVERYBODY,
I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT, OKAY.
LARRY AND IRENE SHOULD BE

I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT, OKAY.
LARRY AND IRENE SHOULD BE
HERE ANY MINUTE.

LARRY AND IRENE SHOULD BE
HERE ANY MINUTE.
NOW THIS IS THE FIRST TIME

HERE ANY MINUTE.
NOW THIS IS THE FIRST TIME
THEY'VE BEEN OUT SINCE

NOW THIS IS THE FIRST TIME
THEY'VE BEEN OUT SINCE
THE MASTECTOMY SO PLEASE

THEY'VE BEEN OUT SINCE
THE MASTECTOMY SO PLEASE
TRY NOT TO SAY ANYTHING

THE MASTECTOMY SO PLEASE
TRY NOT TO SAY ANYTHING
THAT MIGHT UPSET THEM, OKAY.

TRY NOT TO SAY ANYTHING
THAT MIGHT UPSET THEM, OKAY.
[DOORBELL RINGS]

THAT MIGHT UPSET THEM, OKAY.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
THIS MUST BE THEM NOW.

[DOORBELL RINGS]
THIS MUST BE THEM NOW.
HEY, EVERYBODY,

THIS MUST BE THEM NOW.
HEY, EVERYBODY,
LOOK WHO'S HERE.

HEY, EVERYBODY,
LOOK WHO'S HERE.
Joan: LARRY, IRENE!

LOOK WHO'S HERE.
Joan: LARRY, IRENE!
OH, YOU LOOK WONDERFUL.

Joan: LARRY, IRENE!
OH, YOU LOOK WONDERFUL.
IT'S WONDERFUL TO SEE YOU.

OH, YOU LOOK WONDERFUL.
IT'S WONDERFUL TO SEE YOU.
OH, THANKS JOAN.

IT'S WONDERFUL TO SEE YOU.
OH, THANKS JOAN.
IT'S SO GREAT TO GET OUT.

OH, THANKS JOAN.
IT'S SO GREAT TO GET OUT.
SO LARRY, MY MAN,

IT'S SO GREAT TO GET OUT.
SO LARRY, MY MAN,
HOW YA FEELING?

SO LARRY, MY MAN,
HOW YA FEELING?
WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

HOW YA FEELING?
WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
[LAUGHTER]

WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
[LAUGHTER]
IRENE, WOULD YOU MIND IF

[LAUGHTER]
IRENE, WOULD YOU MIND IF
LARRY AND I TALKED ALONE

IRENE, WOULD YOU MIND IF
LARRY AND I TALKED ALONE
FOR A SECOND?

LARRY AND I TALKED ALONE
FOR A SECOND?
OH, SURE, TED.

FOR A SECOND?
OH, SURE, TED.
OKAY, LAR, I KNOW

OH, SURE, TED.
OKAY, LAR, I KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

OKAY, LAR, I KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.
YOU'RE THINKING THAT ALL THE

WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.
YOU'RE THINKING THAT ALL THE
GUYS ARE SNICKERING AT YOU

YOU'RE THINKING THAT ALL THE
GUYS ARE SNICKERING AT YOU
BEHIND YOUR BACK BECAUSE

GUYS ARE SNICKERING AT YOU
BEHIND YOUR BACK BECAUSE
IRENE HAS ONLY ONE BREAST.

BEHIND YOUR BACK BECAUSE
IRENE HAS ONLY ONE BREAST.
WELL, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING

IRENE HAS ONLY ONE BREAST.
WELL, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING
NOTHING COULD BE FURTHER

WELL, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING
NOTHING COULD BE FURTHER
FROM THE TRUTH.

NOTHING COULD BE FURTHER
FROM THE TRUTH.
YEAH, I'LL BET.

FROM THE TRUTH.
YEAH, I'LL BET.
HEY, YOU GUYS,

YEAH, I'LL BET.
HEY, YOU GUYS,
WANNA GO DOWN TO THE REC ROOM?

HEY, YOU GUYS,
WANNA GO DOWN TO THE REC ROOM?
THERE'S A FOOTBALL GAME

WANNA GO DOWN TO THE REC ROOM?
THERE'S A FOOTBALL GAME
ON THE BOOB TUBE, YOU KNOW?

THERE'S A FOOTBALL GAME
ON THE BOOB TUBE, YOU KNOW?
I THINK I'LL GO GET

ON THE BOOB TUBE, YOU KNOW?
I THINK I'LL GO GET
ONE OF THOSE MELON BALLS.

I THINK I'LL GO GET
ONE OF THOSE MELON BALLS.
LISTEN, LARRY, I...

ONE OF THOSE MELON BALLS.
LISTEN, LARRY, I...
OH, HI!

LISTEN, LARRY, I...
OH, HI!
OH, LARRY, I WANT YOU

OH, HI!
OH, LARRY, I WANT YOU
TO MEET MY NIECE, BAMBI.

OH, LARRY, I WANT YOU
TO MEET MY NIECE, BAMBI.
WELL, HELLO BAMBI.

TO MEET MY NIECE, BAMBI.
WELL, HELLO BAMBI.
HI LARRY, YOU KNOW,

WELL, HELLO BAMBI.
HI LARRY, YOU KNOW,
I HEARD WHAT YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH

HI LARRY, YOU KNOW,
I HEARD WHAT YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH
AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT IF

I HEARD WHAT YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH
AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT IF
THERE'S ANYTHING I CAN DO

AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT IF
THERE'S ANYTHING I CAN DO
TO HELP, DON'T HESITATE

THERE'S ANYTHING I CAN DO
TO HELP, DON'T HESITATE
TO ASK ME.

TO HELP, DON'T HESITATE
TO ASK ME.
WELL, IT WOULD BE NICE

TO ASK ME.
WELL, IT WOULD BE NICE
JUST TO TALK TO SOMEONE

WELL, IT WOULD BE NICE
JUST TO TALK TO SOMEONE
AT A MOTEL, OR SOMETHING.

JUST TO TALK TO SOMEONE
AT A MOTEL, OR SOMETHING.
[LAUGHTER]

AT A MOTEL, OR SOMETHING.
[LAUGHTER]
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN

[LAUGHTER]
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN
A RAMADA INN?

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN
A RAMADA INN?
A RAMADA INN?

A RAMADA INN?
A RAMADA INN?
COME ON, LET'S GO.

A RAMADA INN?
COME ON, LET'S GO.
OH... MY PURSE...

ARE YOU JUST GONNA LET HIM
WALK OUT WITH HER?
WELL, UH, IF THAT'S WHAT

WALK OUT WITH HER?
WELL, UH, IF THAT'S WHAT
LARRY WANTS AND NEEDS RIGHT NOW

WELL, UH, IF THAT'S WHAT
LARRY WANTS AND NEEDS RIGHT NOW
I SAY LET HIM TRY IT.

LARRY WANTS AND NEEDS RIGHT NOW
I SAY LET HIM TRY IT.
IT'S SOMETHING HE OBVIOUSLY

I SAY LET HIM TRY IT.
IT'S SOMETHING HE OBVIOUSLY
NEEDS TO WORK OUT.

IT'S SOMETHING HE OBVIOUSLY
NEEDS TO WORK OUT.
IRENE, YOU'RE AMAZING.

NEEDS TO WORK OUT.
IRENE, YOU'RE AMAZING.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]

WELL, THE FIRST COUPLE OF
MONTHS WITH BAMBI WERE GREAT.
THE SEX...

MONTHS WITH BAMBI WERE GREAT.
THE SEX...
AND I'D NEVER BEEN

THE SEX...
AND I'D NEVER BEEN
TO EUROPE BEFORE.

AND I'D NEVER BEEN
TO EUROPE BEFORE.
AND OF COURSE THE SEX,

TO EUROPE BEFORE.
AND OF COURSE THE SEX,
BUT LATELY, I DON'T KNOW.

AND OF COURSE THE SEX,
BUT LATELY, I DON'T KNOW.
SHE'S SO YOUNG.

BUT LATELY, I DON'T KNOW.
SHE'S SO YOUNG.
SHE THINKS THE BEATLES WERE

SHE'S SO YOUNG.
SHE THINKS THE BEATLES WERE
McCARTNEY'S FIRST BACK UP GROUP.

SHE THINKS THE BEATLES WERE
McCARTNEY'S FIRST BACK UP GROUP.
THERE'S JUST NOT MUCH

McCARTNEY'S FIRST BACK UP GROUP.
THERE'S JUST NOT MUCH
TO TALK TO HER ABOUT.

THERE'S JUST NOT MUCH
TO TALK TO HER ABOUT.
THERE'S SOMETHING MISSING,

TO TALK TO HER ABOUT.
THERE'S SOMETHING MISSING,
YOU KNOW?

THERE'S SOMETHING MISSING,
YOU KNOW?
MAYBE THAT SOMETHING

YOU KNOW?
MAYBE THAT SOMETHING
IS IRENE.

MAYBE THAT SOMETHING
IS IRENE.
BUT... BUT SHE'S

IS IRENE.
BUT... BUT SHE'S
HALF A WOMAN NOW.

BUT... BUT SHE'S
HALF A WOMAN NOW.
OH, COME ON, LARRY!

HALF A WOMAN NOW.
OH, COME ON, LARRY!
YOU CAN'T STILL BELIEVE THAT!

OH, COME ON, LARRY!
YOU CAN'T STILL BELIEVE THAT!
THERE'S MORE TO A WOMAN

YOU CAN'T STILL BELIEVE THAT!
THERE'S MORE TO A WOMAN
THAN BREASTS.

THERE'S MORE TO A WOMAN
THAN BREASTS.
OKAY, SHE'S 2/3 A WOMAN.

THAN BREASTS.
OKAY, SHE'S 2/3 A WOMAN.
[LAUGHTER]

OKAY, SHE'S 2/3 A WOMAN.
[LAUGHTER]
LARRY, COME ON, COME ON NOW.

NOW LARRY, WHAT ABOUT THE REAR?
YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
AND WHAT ABOUT THE LEGS?

YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
AND WHAT ABOUT THE LEGS?
IRENE, I MUST ADMIT,

AND WHAT ABOUT THE LEGS?
IRENE, I MUST ADMIT,
HAD REAL NICE GAMS.

IRENE, I MUST ADMIT,
HAD REAL NICE GAMS.
YOU SEE?

HAD REAL NICE GAMS.
YOU SEE?
AND DON'T FORGET THE NAPE

YOU SEE?
AND DON'T FORGET THE NAPE
OF THE NECK AND THE TUMMY.

AND DON'T FORGET THE NAPE
OF THE NECK AND THE TUMMY.
DON'T FORGET THOSE.

OF THE NECK AND THE TUMMY.
DON'T FORGET THOSE.
I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN NOW.

DON'T FORGET THOSE.
I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN NOW.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I'VE BEEN

I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN NOW.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I'VE BEEN
SO BLIND.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'VE BEEN
SO BLIND.
THERE'S NO REASON I CAN'T

SO BLIND.
THERE'S NO REASON I CAN'T
ENJOY SEX WITH IRENE AND SINCE

THERE'S NO REASON I CAN'T
ENJOY SEX WITH IRENE AND SINCE
WE KNOW EACH OTHER FOR SO LONG

ENJOY SEX WITH IRENE AND SINCE
WE KNOW EACH OTHER FOR SO LONG
AND HAVE A FAMILY THERE'S

WE KNOW EACH OTHER FOR SO LONG
AND HAVE A FAMILY THERE'S
LOTS WE COULD TALK ABOUT.

AND HAVE A FAMILY THERE'S
LOTS WE COULD TALK ABOUT.
IF ONLY SHE'D TAKE ME BACK.

LOTS WE COULD TALK ABOUT.
IF ONLY SHE'D TAKE ME BACK.
IRENE, YOU CAN COME IN NOW.

IF ONLY SHE'D TAKE ME BACK.
IRENE, YOU CAN COME IN NOW.
YOU MEAN?

IRENE, YOU CAN COME IN NOW.
YOU MEAN?
YES.

YOU MEAN?
YES.
LARRY, I HEARD WHAT YOU SAID

YES.
LARRY, I HEARD WHAT YOU SAID
AND I LOVE YOU.

LARRY, I HEARD WHAT YOU SAID
AND I LOVE YOU.
GOD, I LOVE YOU TOO.

AND I LOVE YOU.
GOD, I LOVE YOU TOO.
NOW, GO HOME YOU KIDS,

GOD, I LOVE YOU TOO.
NOW, GO HOME YOU KIDS,
AND DO WHAT YOU MUST.

NOW, GO HOME YOU KIDS,
AND DO WHAT YOU MUST.
Larry: THANKS, DOC.

♪ HE CRIES NOT OUT OF WEAKNESS ♪

♪ BUT OUT OF ANGER ♪
♪ AND SELF PITY ♪

♪ AND SELF PITY ♪
♪ HIS WIFE LOST A BREAST ♪

♪ HIS WIFE LOST A BREAST ♪
♪ AND NOW HE'LL FACE THE TEST ♪

♪ AND NOW HE'LL FACE THE TEST ♪
♪ BUT FIRST HE CRIES ♪

♪ BUT FIRST HE CRIES ♪
♪ HE'LL MAKE ADJUSTMENTS LATER ♪

♪ HE'LL MAKE ADJUSTMENTS LATER ♪
♪ BUT FIRST HE CRIES ♪

♪ BUT FIRST HE CRIES ♪
♪ HE'LL MAKE ADJUSTMENTS LATER ♪

♪ HE'LL MAKE ADJUSTMENTS LATER ♪
[APPLAUSE]

[HORN BLARING]
[SHOUTING] HONEY, DO YOU
WANT SOME MORE COFFEE?

[SHOUTING] HONEY, DO YOU
WANT SOME MORE COFFEE?
I'M SORRY, I CAN'T HEAR YOU,

WANT SOME MORE COFFEE?
I'M SORRY, I CAN'T HEAR YOU,
HONEY.

I'M SORRY, I CAN'T HEAR YOU,
HONEY.
DO YOU WANT SOME MORE COFFEE,

HONEY.
DO YOU WANT SOME MORE COFFEE,
SWEETHEART?

DO YOU WANT SOME MORE COFFEE,
SWEETHEART?
UH, NO, I'D BETTER GET GOIN',

SWEETHEART?
UH, NO, I'D BETTER GET GOIN',
I'M LATE.

WHERE'S TOMMY?
HE'S GONNA BE LATE FOR SCHOOL,
NOT HAVE TIME FOR BREAKFAST.

HE'S GONNA BE LATE FOR SCHOOL,
NOT HAVE TIME FOR BREAKFAST.
DO YOU KNOW THAT I HAD TO

NOT HAVE TIME FOR BREAKFAST.
DO YOU KNOW THAT I HAD TO
STICK MY HEAD IN HIS DOOR TWICE

DO YOU KNOW THAT I HAD TO
STICK MY HEAD IN HIS DOOR TWICE
TO GET HIM UP THIS MORNING?

STICK MY HEAD IN HIS DOOR TWICE
TO GET HIM UP THIS MORNING?
WELL, COCK-A-DOODLE DOO,

TO GET HIM UP THIS MORNING?
WELL, COCK-A-DOODLE DOO,
RIP VAN WINKLE.

WELL, COCK-A-DOODLE DOO,
RIP VAN WINKLE.
HERE'S YOUR ORANGE JUICE.

RIP VAN WINKLE.
HERE'S YOUR ORANGE JUICE.
I SEE THEY'VE CHANGED

HERE'S YOUR ORANGE JUICE.
I SEE THEY'VE CHANGED
THE SCHOOL DRESS CODE, HUH?

I SEE THEY'VE CHANGED
THE SCHOOL DRESS CODE, HUH?
OH, I DON'T THINK I FEEL

THE SCHOOL DRESS CODE, HUH?
OH, I DON'T THINK I FEEL
LIKE GOING TO SCHOOL TODAY.

OH, I DON'T THINK I FEEL
LIKE GOING TO SCHOOL TODAY.
WHAT'S THE MATTER, TOMMY?

LIKE GOING TO SCHOOL TODAY.
WHAT'S THE MATTER, TOMMY?
YOU SICK?

WHAT'S THE MATTER, TOMMY?
YOU SICK?
YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE

YOU SICK?
YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE
YOU HAVE A FEVER.

YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE
YOU HAVE A FEVER.
NO, I'M OKAY, I JUST

YOU HAVE A FEVER.
NO, I'M OKAY, I JUST
DON'T FEEL LIKE GOING TO SCHOOL.

NO, I'M OKAY, I JUST
DON'T FEEL LIKE GOING TO SCHOOL.
WELL THAT'S GREAT.

DON'T FEEL LIKE GOING TO SCHOOL.
WELL THAT'S GREAT.
WHAT WOULD YOU THINK IF YOUR

WELL THAT'S GREAT.
WHAT WOULD YOU THINK IF YOUR
MOTHER AND I HAD THE SAME

WHAT WOULD YOU THINK IF YOUR
MOTHER AND I HAD THE SAME
ATTITUDE?

MOTHER AND I HAD THE SAME
ATTITUDE?
HONEY, I DON'T FEEL LIKE

ATTITUDE?
HONEY, I DON'T FEEL LIKE
GOING TO WORK, IS THAT OKAY?

HONEY, I DON'T FEEL LIKE
GOING TO WORK, IS THAT OKAY?
TOMMY, GO UPSTAIRS

GOING TO WORK, IS THAT OKAY?
TOMMY, GO UPSTAIRS
AND GET DRESSED.

TOMMY, GO UPSTAIRS
AND GET DRESSED.
NO, NO, HE'S GOT

AND GET DRESSED.
NO, NO, HE'S GOT
A GREAT IDEA!

NO, NO, HE'S GOT
A GREAT IDEA!
LET'S ALL BE LIKE TOMMY TODAY

A GREAT IDEA!
LET'S ALL BE LIKE TOMMY TODAY
AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

LET'S ALL BE LIKE TOMMY TODAY
AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS.
WOULD YOU LIKE THAT, FELLA?

AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS.
WOULD YOU LIKE THAT, FELLA?
IT'S FINE WITH ME.

WOULD YOU LIKE THAT, FELLA?
IT'S FINE WITH ME.
NOW, WOULD YOU TWO

IT'S FINE WITH ME.
NOW, WOULD YOU TWO
PLEASE STOP ARGUING?

NOW, WOULD YOU TWO
PLEASE STOP ARGUING?
WE'RE NOT ARGUING,

PLEASE STOP ARGUING?
WE'RE NOT ARGUING,
WE'RE IN TOTAL AGREEMENT.

WE'RE NOT ARGUING,
WE'RE IN TOTAL AGREEMENT.
AREN'T WE, MR. ROCK STAR?

WE'RE IN TOTAL AGREEMENT.
AREN'T WE, MR. ROCK STAR?
WE'RE ALL JUST GONNA STAY HOME

AREN'T WE, MR. ROCK STAR?
WE'RE ALL JUST GONNA STAY HOME
TODAY AND LET EVERYTHING

WE'RE ALL JUST GONNA STAY HOME
TODAY AND LET EVERYTHING
GO TO HELL.

TODAY AND LET EVERYTHING
GO TO HELL.
UH-OH, TOMMY'S WAFFLES

GO TO HELL.
UH-OH, TOMMY'S WAFFLES
ARE GONNA BURN.

UH-OH, TOMMY'S WAFFLES
ARE GONNA BURN.
HEY, LET 'EM BURN!

ARE GONNA BURN.
HEY, LET 'EM BURN!
WHY SHOULD YOU CARE IF YOUR SON

HEY, LET 'EM BURN!
WHY SHOULD YOU CARE IF YOUR SON
HAS A DECENT BREAKFAST?

WHY SHOULD YOU CARE IF YOUR SON
HAS A DECENT BREAKFAST?
NOW, DON, DON'T BE

HAS A DECENT BREAKFAST?
NOW, DON, DON'T BE
RIDICULOUS.

NOW, DON, DON'T BE
RIDICULOUS.
IT'S FINE WITH ME.

RIDICULOUS.
IT'S FINE WITH ME.
IF TOMMY'S TAKING THE DAY

IT'S FINE WITH ME.
IF TOMMY'S TAKING THE DAY
OFF, YOU MIGHT AS WELL

IF TOMMY'S TAKING THE DAY
OFF, YOU MIGHT AS WELL
TAKE IT OFF TOO.

OFF, YOU MIGHT AS WELL
TAKE IT OFF TOO.
ISN'T THAT NICE?

TAKE IT OFF TOO.
ISN'T THAT NICE?
WE ALL HAVE A DAY OFF TODAY.

ISN'T THAT NICE?
WE ALL HAVE A DAY OFF TODAY.
ISN'T THAT GREAT?

WE ALL HAVE A DAY OFF TODAY.
ISN'T THAT GREAT?
WELL I BETTER CALL THE PRESIDENT

ISN'T THAT GREAT?
WELL I BETTER CALL THE PRESIDENT
OF THE McDONNELL-DOUGLAS

WELL I BETTER CALL THE PRESIDENT
OF THE McDONNELL-DOUGLAS
CORPORATION AND TELL HIM

OF THE McDONNELL-DOUGLAS
CORPORATION AND TELL HIM
THAT WE CAN'T HAVE THAT MEETING

CORPORATION AND TELL HIM
THAT WE CAN'T HAVE THAT MEETING
WE WERE SUPPOSED TO HAVE TODAY.

THAT WE CAN'T HAVE THAT MEETING
WE WERE SUPPOSED TO HAVE TODAY.
HONEY, ARE YOU SERIOUS?

WE WERE SUPPOSED TO HAVE TODAY.
HONEY, ARE YOU SERIOUS?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN

HONEY, ARE YOU SERIOUS?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN
SO SERIOUS IN MY LIFE.

I HAVE NEVER BEEN
SO SERIOUS IN MY LIFE.
THIS IS DON CLIFFORD, I WANNA

SO SERIOUS IN MY LIFE.
THIS IS DON CLIFFORD, I WANNA
SPEAK TO PRESIDENT McDONNELL.

THIS IS DON CLIFFORD, I WANNA
SPEAK TO PRESIDENT McDONNELL.
HELLO DOUG, IT'S DON.

SPEAK TO PRESIDENT McDONNELL.
HELLO DOUG, IT'S DON.
LISTEN, I'M NOT COMING IN

HELLO DOUG, IT'S DON.
LISTEN, I'M NOT COMING IN
FOR OUR MEETING...

LISTEN, I'M NOT COMING IN
FOR OUR MEETING...
BECAUSE MY SON TOMMY HAS

FOR OUR MEETING...
BECAUSE MY SON TOMMY HAS
ANNOUNCED THAT HE DIDN'T FEEL

BECAUSE MY SON TOMMY HAS
ANNOUNCED THAT HE DIDN'T FEEL
LIKE GOING TO SCHOOL TODAY

ANNOUNCED THAT HE DIDN'T FEEL
LIKE GOING TO SCHOOL TODAY
SO WE'RE ALL GONNA ADOPT HIS

LIKE GOING TO SCHOOL TODAY
SO WE'RE ALL GONNA ADOPT HIS
ATTITUDE AND I SUGGEST

SO WE'RE ALL GONNA ADOPT HIS
ATTITUDE AND I SUGGEST
YOU DO THE SAME.

ATTITUDE AND I SUGGEST
YOU DO THE SAME.
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU DO THE SAME.
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
HE'S NOT GOING, RIGHT.

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
HE'S NOT GOING, RIGHT.
WE'LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

HE'S NOT GOING, RIGHT.
WE'LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS.
OKAY, BYE DOUG.

WE'LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS.
OKAY, BYE DOUG.
WELL, THE PRESIDENT OF THE

OKAY, BYE DOUG.
WELL, THE PRESIDENT OF THE
McDONNELL-DOUGLAS CORPORATION

WELL, THE PRESIDENT OF THE
McDONNELL-DOUGLAS CORPORATION
IS CANCELING ALL HIS MEETINGS

McDONNELL-DOUGLAS CORPORATION
IS CANCELING ALL HIS MEETINGS
AND GOING HOME.

IS CANCELING ALL HIS MEETINGS
AND GOING HOME.
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT,

AND GOING HOME.
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT,
BIG SHOT?

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT,
BIG SHOT?
IT'S FINE WITH ME.

BIG SHOT?
IT'S FINE WITH ME.
[LAUGHTER]

OH, REALLY?
WELL, GREAT.
I'LL JUST FORGET ABOUT IT

WELL, GREAT.
I'LL JUST FORGET ABOUT IT
AND GO HOME MYSELF.

I'LL JUST FORGET ABOUT IT
AND GO HOME MYSELF.
WE MIGHT AS WELL ALL

AND GO HOME MYSELF.
WE MIGHT AS WELL ALL
SHIRK OUR RESPONSIBILITIES.

RUSSIAN SOLDIERS!
[SOLDIERS SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
RUSSIAN SOLDIERS.

[SOLDIERS SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
RUSSIAN SOLDIERS.
WELL, SON, PERHAPS YOU LEARNED

RUSSIAN SOLDIERS.
WELL, SON, PERHAPS YOU LEARNED
A LITTLE SOMETHING TODAY!

WELL, SON, PERHAPS YOU LEARNED
A LITTLE SOMETHING TODAY!
YOU WERE RIGHT, I'M SORRY.

A LITTLE SOMETHING TODAY!
YOU WERE RIGHT, I'M SORRY.
A LOT GOOD SAYING SORRY'S

YOU WERE RIGHT, I'M SORRY.
A LOT GOOD SAYING SORRY'S
GONNA DO US NOW!

A LOT GOOD SAYING SORRY'S
GONNA DO US NOW!
[APPLAUSE]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THE ROCHES!
[APPLAUSE]

♪ THINK HE'S GOT A CRUSH ON ME ♪
♪ I SAW THE WHOLE SCENE ♪
♪ WHAT MAKES YOU THINK

♪ I SAW THE WHOLE SCENE ♪
♪ WHAT MAKES YOU THINK
HE'S GOT A CRUSH ON YOU ♪

♪ WHAT MAKES YOU THINK
HE'S GOT A CRUSH ON YOU ♪
♪ 'CAUSE HE PLAYED HIS SONG

HE'S GOT A CRUSH ON YOU ♪
♪ 'CAUSE HE PLAYED HIS SONG
FOR ME ♪

♪ 'CAUSE HE PLAYED HIS SONG
FOR ME ♪
♪ I WAS SITTING THERE TOO ♪

FOR ME ♪
♪ I WAS SITTING THERE TOO ♪
♪ WHAT MAKES YOU THINK

♪ I WAS SITTING THERE TOO ♪
♪ WHAT MAKES YOU THINK
HE PLAYED THOSE SONGS

♪ WHAT MAKES YOU THINK
HE PLAYED THOSE SONGS
FOR YOU? ♪

HE PLAYED THOSE SONGS
FOR YOU? ♪
♪ IF HIS GIRLFRIEND

FOR YOU? ♪
♪ IF HIS GIRLFRIEND
WASN'T THERE ♪

♪ IF HIS GIRLFRIEND
WASN'T THERE ♪
♪ HE WOULD HAVE BEEN FREE ♪

WASN'T THERE ♪
♪ HE WOULD HAVE BEEN FREE ♪
♪ TO MAKE IT KNOWN THAT

♪ HE WOULD HAVE BEEN FREE ♪
♪ TO MAKE IT KNOWN THAT
HE'S IN LOVE WITH ME ♪

♪ TO MAKE IT KNOWN THAT
HE'S IN LOVE WITH ME ♪
♪ HE WAS IN A PLANE CRASH ♪

HE'S IN LOVE WITH ME ♪
♪ HE WAS IN A PLANE CRASH ♪
♪ HE PLAYS THE CLARINET ♪

♪ HE WAS IN A PLANE CRASH ♪
♪ HE PLAYS THE CLARINET ♪
♪ HE'S TRYING TO STOP DRINKING

♪ HE PLAYS THE CLARINET ♪
♪ HE'S TRYING TO STOP DRINKING
BUT HIS GIRLFRIEND

♪ HE'S TRYING TO STOP DRINKING
BUT HIS GIRLFRIEND
HASN'T LEFT HIM YET ♪

♪ THINK HE'S GOT A CRUSH ON ME ♪
♪ I SAW THE WHOLE SCENE ♪
♪ WHAT MAKES YOU THINK

♪ I SAW THE WHOLE SCENE ♪
♪ WHAT MAKES YOU THINK
HE'S GOT A CRUSH ON YOU ♪

♪ WHAT MAKES YOU THINK
HE'S GOT A CRUSH ON YOU ♪
♪ DID YOU SEE THE WAY

HE'S GOT A CRUSH ON YOU ♪
♪ DID YOU SEE THE WAY
HE PEEKED AT ME ♪

♪ DID YOU SEE THE WAY
HE PEEKED AT ME ♪
♪ IN BETWEEN

HE PEEKED AT ME ♪
♪ IN BETWEEN
THE NOTES HE PLAYED ♪

♪ IN BETWEEN
THE NOTES HE PLAYED ♪
♪ IT'S STUPID TO

THE NOTES HE PLAYED ♪
♪ IT'S STUPID TO
BELIEVE IN STUFF

♪ IT'S STUPID TO
BELIEVE IN STUFF
THAT HAPPENS ON A STAGE ♪

BELIEVE IN STUFF
THAT HAPPENS ON A STAGE ♪
♪ THINK YOU MUST BE VERY DRUNK ♪

THAT HAPPENS ON A STAGE ♪
♪ THINK YOU MUST BE VERY DRUNK ♪
♪ YOU'RE SEEING DOUBLE ♪

♪ THINK YOU MUST BE VERY DRUNK ♪
♪ YOU'RE SEEING DOUBLE ♪
♪ SOBER UP

♪ YOU'RE SEEING DOUBLE ♪
♪ SOBER UP
OR YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE ♪

♪ SOBER UP
OR YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE ♪
♪ BUT DID YOU SEE

OR YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE ♪
♪ BUT DID YOU SEE
THE WAY HE GAZED AT ME ♪

♪ BUT DID YOU SEE
THE WAY HE GAZED AT ME ♪
♪ IN BETWEEN

THE WAY HE GAZED AT ME ♪
♪ IN BETWEEN
THE NOTES HE PLAYED ♪

♪ IN BETWEEN
THE NOTES HE PLAYED ♪
♪ IT'S STUPID TO

THE NOTES HE PLAYED ♪
♪ IT'S STUPID TO
BELIEVE IN STUFF

♪ IT'S STUPID TO
BELIEVE IN STUFF
THAT HAPPENS ON A STAGE ♪

BELIEVE IN STUFF
THAT HAPPENS ON A STAGE ♪
♪ BET HE CALLS ME UP THIS WEEK ♪

THAT HAPPENS ON A STAGE ♪
♪ BET HE CALLS ME UP THIS WEEK ♪
♪ WHEN YOU WEREN'T LOOKING

♪ BET HE CALLS ME UP THIS WEEK ♪
♪ WHEN YOU WEREN'T LOOKING
I SLIPPED HIM MY NUMBER

♪ WHEN YOU WEREN'T LOOKING
I SLIPPED HIM MY NUMBER
AND THEN WE KISSED ♪

I SLIPPED HIM MY NUMBER
AND THEN WE KISSED ♪
♪ HE WAS IN A PLANE CRASH ♪

AND THEN WE KISSED ♪
♪ HE WAS IN A PLANE CRASH ♪
♪ HE PLAYS THE CLARINET ♪

♪ HE WAS IN A PLANE CRASH ♪
♪ HE PLAYS THE CLARINET ♪
♪ HE'S TRYING TO STOP DRINKING

♪ HE PLAYS THE CLARINET ♪
♪ HE'S TRYING TO STOP DRINKING
BUT HIS GIRLFRIEND

♪ HE'S TRYING TO STOP DRINKING
BUT HIS GIRLFRIEND
HASN'T LEFT HIM YET ♪

BUT HIS GIRLFRIEND
HASN'T LEFT HIM YET ♪
♪ HE WAS IN A PLANE CRASH ♪

HASN'T LEFT HIM YET ♪
♪ HE WAS IN A PLANE CRASH ♪
♪ HE PLAYS THE CLARINET ♪

♪ HE WAS IN A PLANE CRASH ♪
♪ HE PLAYS THE CLARINET ♪
♪ HE'S TRYING TO STOP DRINKING

♪ HE PLAYS THE CLARINET ♪
♪ HE'S TRYING TO STOP DRINKING
BUT HIS GIRLFRIEND

♪ HE'S TRYING TO STOP DRINKING
BUT HIS GIRLFRIEND
HASN'T LEFT HIM YET ♪

BUT HIS GIRLFRIEND
HASN'T LEFT HIM YET ♪
♪ HA HA HA HA HA ♪

HASN'T LEFT HIM YET ♪
♪ HA HA HA HA HA ♪
[APPLAUSE]

Announcer: AND NOW, WEEKEND
UPDATE WITH THE WEEKEND UPDATE
NEWS TEAM.

UPDATE WITH THE WEEKEND UPDATE
NEWS TEAM.
HERE ARE ANCHOR PERSONS

NEWS TEAM.
HERE ARE ANCHOR PERSONS
BILL MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN.

HERE ARE ANCHOR PERSONS
BILL MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN.
GOOD EVENING,

BILL MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN.
GOOD EVENING,
I'M JANE CURTIN,

GOOD EVENING,
I'M JANE CURTIN,
HERE NOW THE NEWS...

I'M JANE CURTIN,
HERE NOW THE NEWS...
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT:

HERE NOW THE NEWS...
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT:
AS THE CAMPAIGN CONTINUES

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT:
AS THE CAMPAIGN CONTINUES
THE CANDIDATES ARE BEING

AS THE CAMPAIGN CONTINUES
THE CANDIDATES ARE BEING
HEARD FROM MORE FREQUENTLY.

THE CANDIDATES ARE BEING
HEARD FROM MORE FREQUENTLY.
THIS WEEK, ATTEMPTING TO CLEAR

HEARD FROM MORE FREQUENTLY.
THIS WEEK, ATTEMPTING TO CLEAR
HIMSELF ONCE AND FOR ALL OF

THIS WEEK, ATTEMPTING TO CLEAR
HIMSELF ONCE AND FOR ALL OF
CHARGES OF WRONGDOING, SENATOR

HIMSELF ONCE AND FOR ALL OF
CHARGES OF WRONGDOING, SENATOR
KENNEDY RECREATED THE TRAGEDY AT

CHARGES OF WRONGDOING, SENATOR
KENNEDY RECREATED THE TRAGEDY AT
CHAPPAQUIDDICK FOR REPORTERS.

KENNEDY RECREATED THE TRAGEDY AT
CHAPPAQUIDDICK FOR REPORTERS.
UNFORTUNATELY, NEW DOUBTS WERE

CHAPPAQUIDDICK FOR REPORTERS.
UNFORTUNATELY, NEW DOUBTS WERE
RAISED WHEN THE PRESS HAD TO

UNFORTUNATELY, NEW DOUBTS WERE
RAISED WHEN THE PRESS HAD TO
WAIT NEARLY 10 HOURS FOR

RAISED WHEN THE PRESS HAD TO
WAIT NEARLY 10 HOURS FOR
THE SENATOR TO APPEAR AND

WAIT NEARLY 10 HOURS FOR
THE SENATOR TO APPEAR AND
ANSWER QUESTIONS.

THE SENATOR TO APPEAR AND
ANSWER QUESTIONS.
85-YEAR-OLD GEORGE MEANY

ANSWER QUESTIONS.
85-YEAR-OLD GEORGE MEANY
ANNOUNCED FROM HIS WHEELCHAIR

85-YEAR-OLD GEORGE MEANY
ANNOUNCED FROM HIS WHEELCHAIR
AT THE A.F.L.C.I.O. CONVENTION

ANNOUNCED FROM HIS WHEELCHAIR
AT THE A.F.L.C.I.O. CONVENTION
THURSDAY THAT HE WAS RETIRING

AT THE A.F.L.C.I.O. CONVENTION
THURSDAY THAT HE WAS RETIRING
AS PRESIDENT OF THE

THURSDAY THAT HE WAS RETIRING
AS PRESIDENT OF THE
ORGANIZATION.

AS PRESIDENT OF THE
ORGANIZATION.
UNFORTUNATELY, NO ONE FROM THE

ORGANIZATION.
UNFORTUNATELY, NO ONE FROM THE
TEAMSTER UNION WAS THERE TO MOVE

UNFORTUNATELY, NO ONE FROM THE
TEAMSTER UNION WAS THERE TO MOVE
HIM AND HE WAS FORCED TO SIT

TEAMSTER UNION WAS THERE TO MOVE
HIM AND HE WAS FORCED TO SIT
BY HIMSELF IN THE AUDITORIUM

HIM AND HE WAS FORCED TO SIT
BY HIMSELF IN THE AUDITORIUM
ALL NIGHT WAITING FOR THE

BY HIMSELF IN THE AUDITORIUM
ALL NIGHT WAITING FOR THE
MORNING SHIFT.

ALL NIGHT WAITING FOR THE
MORNING SHIFT.
AND THE VERDICT IS FINALLY IN ON

MORNING SHIFT.
AND THE VERDICT IS FINALLY IN ON
THE LONG SHOREMAN'S UNION BOSS,

AND THE VERDICT IS FINALLY IN ON
THE LONG SHOREMAN'S UNION BOSS,
ANTHONY SCOTTO, WHO WAS

THE LONG SHOREMAN'S UNION BOSS,
ANTHONY SCOTTO, WHO WAS
CONVICTED THIS WEEK ON

ANTHONY SCOTTO, WHO WAS
CONVICTED THIS WEEK ON
33 COUNTS OF RACKETEERING

CONVICTED THIS WEEK ON
33 COUNTS OF RACKETEERING
ON BROOKLYN'S WATERFRONT.

33 COUNTS OF RACKETEERING
ON BROOKLYN'S WATERFRONT.
AUTHORITIES SEARCHING SCOTTO'S

ON BROOKLYN'S WATERFRONT.
AUTHORITIES SEARCHING SCOTTO'S
APARTMENT DISCOVERED 250 TONS

AUTHORITIES SEARCHING SCOTTO'S
APARTMENT DISCOVERED 250 TONS
OF WATER AND FISH, WHICH

APARTMENT DISCOVERED 250 TONS
OF WATER AND FISH, WHICH
WITNESSES CLAIM SCOTTO HAD

OF WATER AND FISH, WHICH
WITNESSES CLAIM SCOTTO HAD
EMBEZZLED FROM THE DOCKS.

WITNESSES CLAIM SCOTTO HAD
EMBEZZLED FROM THE DOCKS.
BILL?

EMBEZZLED FROM THE DOCKS.
BILL?
THE SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY WAS

BILL?
THE SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY WAS
STARTLED THIS WEEK BY THE

THE SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY WAS
STARTLED THIS WEEK BY THE
RELEASE OF SOME DRAMATIC

STARTLED THIS WEEK BY THE
RELEASE OF SOME DRAMATIC
NEW FINDINGS THAT INDICATE THAT

RELEASE OF SOME DRAMATIC
NEW FINDINGS THAT INDICATE THAT
THE UNIVERSE MAY ONLY BE

NEW FINDINGS THAT INDICATE THAT
THE UNIVERSE MAY ONLY BE
9 BILLION YEARS OLD AS OPPOSED

THE UNIVERSE MAY ONLY BE
9 BILLION YEARS OLD AS OPPOSED
TO THE PREVIOUSLY ACCEPTED

9 BILLION YEARS OLD AS OPPOSED
TO THE PREVIOUSLY ACCEPTED
FIGURE OF 18 BILLION YEARS.

TO THE PREVIOUSLY ACCEPTED
FIGURE OF 18 BILLION YEARS.
NEW TECHNIQUES THAT ACCURATELY

FIGURE OF 18 BILLION YEARS.
NEW TECHNIQUES THAT ACCURATELY
MEASURE THE SPEED OF DISTANT

NEW TECHNIQUES THAT ACCURATELY
MEASURE THE SPEED OF DISTANT
STARS WERE EMPLOYED, AS WELL AS

MEASURE THE SPEED OF DISTANT
STARS WERE EMPLOYED, AS WELL AS
A PROBING INTERVIEW WITH

STARS WERE EMPLOYED, AS WELL AS
A PROBING INTERVIEW WITH
MS. LILLIAN CARTER, WHO,

A PROBING INTERVIEW WITH
MS. LILLIAN CARTER, WHO,
WHILE UNDER HYPNOSIS,

MS. LILLIAN CARTER, WHO,
WHILE UNDER HYPNOSIS,
PROVIDED IMPORTANT DETAILS

WHILE UNDER HYPNOSIS,
PROVIDED IMPORTANT DETAILS
OF THE "BIG BANG".

PROVIDED IMPORTANT DETAILS
OF THE "BIG BANG".
SINCE THE DC-10 HAS BEEN PLAGUED

OF THE "BIG BANG".
SINCE THE DC-10 HAS BEEN PLAGUED
BY ACCIDENTS AND DISASTERS,

SINCE THE DC-10 HAS BEEN PLAGUED
BY ACCIDENTS AND DISASTERS,
McDONNELL-DOUGLAS HAS BEEN

BY ACCIDENTS AND DISASTERS,
McDONNELL-DOUGLAS HAS BEEN
UNLOADING ITS STOCK PILE

McDONNELL-DOUGLAS HAS BEEN
UNLOADING ITS STOCK PILE
OF DC-10 COMPONENT PARTS.

UNLOADING ITS STOCK PILE
OF DC-10 COMPONENT PARTS.
WHERE ARE THEY GOING?

OF DC-10 COMPONENT PARTS.
WHERE ARE THEY GOING?
WEEKEND UPDATE, AMONG OTHER

WHERE ARE THEY GOING?
WEEKEND UPDATE, AMONG OTHER
THINGS, HAS DISCOVERED

WEEKEND UPDATE, AMONG OTHER
THINGS, HAS DISCOVERED
WHAT'S HAPPENING TO THE

THINGS, HAS DISCOVERED
WHAT'S HAPPENING TO THE
UNUSED DC-10 WINDSHIELDS.

WHAT'S HAPPENING TO THE
UNUSED DC-10 WINDSHIELDS.
HERE'S WHERE ONE OF THEM WENT.

UNUSED DC-10 WINDSHIELDS.
HERE'S WHERE ONE OF THEM WENT.
CAN WE SHOW YOU A FILM

HERE'S WHERE ONE OF THEM WENT.
CAN WE SHOW YOU A FILM
WE RECEIVED FROM

CAN WE SHOW YOU A FILM
WE RECEIVED FROM
KANSAS CITY, MISSOURI.

WE RECEIVED FROM
KANSAS CITY, MISSOURI.
THERE IT IS.

KANSAS CITY, MISSOURI.
THERE IT IS.
SEE THE WINDSHIELD

THERE IT IS.
SEE THE WINDSHIELD
JUST FALLING APART.

SEE THE WINDSHIELD
JUST FALLING APART.
F.A.A. INVESTIGATORS WERE

JUST FALLING APART.
F.A.A. INVESTIGATORS WERE
ON THE SCENE IMMEDIATELY

F.A.A. INVESTIGATORS WERE
ON THE SCENE IMMEDIATELY
AND SOME 16,000 KANSAS CITY

ON THE SCENE IMMEDIATELY
AND SOME 16,000 KANSAS CITY
RESIDENTS WERE STRUCK BY

AND SOME 16,000 KANSAS CITY
RESIDENTS WERE STRUCK BY
FLYING FRAGMENTS MAKING THIS

RESIDENTS WERE STRUCK BY
FLYING FRAGMENTS MAKING THIS
THE WORLD'S WORSE JET PLANE

FLYING FRAGMENTS MAKING THIS
THE WORLD'S WORSE JET PLANE
BASKETBALL DISASTER INVOLVING

THE WORLD'S WORSE JET PLANE
BASKETBALL DISASTER INVOLVING
A DC-10 DURING THE REGULAR

BASKETBALL DISASTER INVOLVING
A DC-10 DURING THE REGULAR
NBA SEASON.

A DC-10 DURING THE REGULAR
NBA SEASON.
AND THE CATHOLIC ARCHDIOCESE

NBA SEASON.
AND THE CATHOLIC ARCHDIOCESE
OF NEW YORK ANNOUNCED THIS WEEK

AND THE CATHOLIC ARCHDIOCESE
OF NEW YORK ANNOUNCED THIS WEEK
THAT SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE WAS

OF NEW YORK ANNOUNCED THIS WEEK
THAT SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE WAS
ON ITS LIST OF 15 WORST

THAT SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE WAS
ON ITS LIST OF 15 WORST
TELEVISION PROGRAMS.

ON ITS LIST OF 15 WORST
TELEVISION PROGRAMS.
[APPLAUSE]

TELEVISION PROGRAMS.
[APPLAUSE]
COINCIDENTALLY, THE CATHOLIC

[APPLAUSE]
COINCIDENTALLY, THE CATHOLIC
CHURCH TURNED UP FIFTH

COINCIDENTALLY, THE CATHOLIC
CHURCH TURNED UP FIFTH
ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'S

CHURCH TURNED UP FIFTH
ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'S
LIST OF WORST RELIGIONS.

ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'S
LIST OF WORST RELIGIONS.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LIST OF WORST RELIGIONS.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
JANE?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
JANE?
SPIRO T. AGNEW TURNED UP

JANE?
SPIRO T. AGNEW TURNED UP
THIS WEEK, SPORTING A FACELIFT,

SPIRO T. AGNEW TURNED UP
THIS WEEK, SPORTING A FACELIFT,
DYED HAIR AND A

THIS WEEK, SPORTING A FACELIFT,
DYED HAIR AND A
NEW STYLE OF DRESS.

DYED HAIR AND A
NEW STYLE OF DRESS.
THE ALLEGED TAX DODGER AND BRIBE

NEW STYLE OF DRESS.
THE ALLEGED TAX DODGER AND BRIBE
TAKER SAYS HE'S RELAXED AND

THE ALLEGED TAX DODGER AND BRIBE
TAKER SAYS HE'S RELAXED AND
LIVING COMFORTABLY OFF THE

TAKER SAYS HE'S RELAXED AND
LIVING COMFORTABLY OFF THE
32 MILLION DOLLARS HE SAVED

LIVING COMFORTABLY OFF THE
32 MILLION DOLLARS HE SAVED
FROM HIS SALARY AS NIXON'S

32 MILLION DOLLARS HE SAVED
FROM HIS SALARY AS NIXON'S
VICE-PRESIDENT.

FROM HIS SALARY AS NIXON'S
VICE-PRESIDENT.
[LAUGHTER]

VICE-PRESIDENT.
[LAUGHTER]
BOTANISTS HAVE DISCOVERED

[LAUGHTER]
BOTANISTS HAVE DISCOVERED
A UNIQUE SPECIES OF BASHFUL

BOTANISTS HAVE DISCOVERED
A UNIQUE SPECIES OF BASHFUL
TREES NEAR COPENHAGEN, DENMARK.

A UNIQUE SPECIES OF BASHFUL
TREES NEAR COPENHAGEN, DENMARK.
THE TREES EMERGE FROM THE

TREES NEAR COPENHAGEN, DENMARK.
THE TREES EMERGE FROM THE
GROUND, LOOK AROUND AND THEN

THE TREES EMERGE FROM THE
GROUND, LOOK AROUND AND THEN
BURROW THEIR TOPS BACK INTO

GROUND, LOOK AROUND AND THEN
BURROW THEIR TOPS BACK INTO
THE EARTH NOT WANTING

BURROW THEIR TOPS BACK INTO
THE EARTH NOT WANTING
TO BE NOTICED.

THE EARTH NOT WANTING
TO BE NOTICED.
BILL?

TO BE NOTICED.
BILL?
THE LATEST RESULTS OF WEEKEND

BILL?
THE LATEST RESULTS OF WEEKEND
UPDATE'S GLICKMAN POLL OF

THE LATEST RESULTS OF WEEKEND
UPDATE'S GLICKMAN POLL OF
PRESIDENTIAL HOPEFULS

UPDATE'S GLICKMAN POLL OF
PRESIDENTIAL HOPEFULS
WERE RELEASED TODAY.

PRESIDENTIAL HOPEFULS
WERE RELEASED TODAY.
HERE ARE THIS WEEK'S FIGURES:

WERE RELEASED TODAY.
HERE ARE THIS WEEK'S FIGURES:
GLICKMAN: 38%, KENNEDY: 32%,

HERE ARE THIS WEEK'S FIGURES:
GLICKMAN: 38%, KENNEDY: 32%,
AND CARTER: 30%.

GLICKMAN: 38%, KENNEDY: 32%,
AND CARTER: 30%.
AS YOU CAN SEE, GLICKMAN HAS

AND CARTER: 30%.
AS YOU CAN SEE, GLICKMAN HAS
MOVED INTO THE LEAD WHILE

AS YOU CAN SEE, GLICKMAN HAS
MOVED INTO THE LEAD WHILE
EXPERTS ARE SAYING THE OTHER TWO

MOVED INTO THE LEAD WHILE
EXPERTS ARE SAYING THE OTHER TWO
MAY HAVE PEAKED TOO EARLY.

EXPERTS ARE SAYING THE OTHER TWO
MAY HAVE PEAKED TOO EARLY.
STILL A HORSERACE, THOUGH.

MAY HAVE PEAKED TOO EARLY.
STILL A HORSERACE, THOUGH.
GOOD LUCK, GLICKMAN.

STILL A HORSERACE, THOUGH.
GOOD LUCK, GLICKMAN.
WELL, THIS WEEK, HER SERENE

GOOD LUCK, GLICKMAN.
WELL, THIS WEEK, HER SERENE
HIGHNESS, PRINCESS GRACE OF

WELL, THIS WEEK, HER SERENE
HIGHNESS, PRINCESS GRACE OF
MONACO, CELEBRATED

HIGHNESS, PRINCESS GRACE OF
MONACO, CELEBRATED
HER 50th BIRTHDAY.

MONACO, CELEBRATED
HER 50th BIRTHDAY.
REACHING THE BIG 5-0

HER 50th BIRTHDAY.
REACHING THE BIG 5-0
SHE JOINS OTHER CELEBRITIES WHO

REACHING THE BIG 5-0
SHE JOINS OTHER CELEBRITIES WHO
HAVE SPANNED HALF A CENTURY

SHE JOINS OTHER CELEBRITIES WHO
HAVE SPANNED HALF A CENTURY
SUCH AS GOLDIE HAWN,

HAVE SPANNED HALF A CENTURY
SUCH AS GOLDIE HAWN,
DIANE KEATON, KAREN VALENTINE,

SUCH AS GOLDIE HAWN,
DIANE KEATON, KAREN VALENTINE,
AND WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT,

DIANE KEATON, KAREN VALENTINE,
AND WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT,
OUR OWN LARAINE NEWMAN.

AND WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT,
OUR OWN LARAINE NEWMAN.
BLESS YOU, YOU GIRLS ARE REALLY

OUR OWN LARAINE NEWMAN.
BLESS YOU, YOU GIRLS ARE REALLY
SOMETHING, CONGRATULATIONS.

BLESS YOU, YOU GIRLS ARE REALLY
SOMETHING, CONGRATULATIONS.
JANE?

SOMETHING, CONGRATULATIONS.
JANE?
AND NOW, A SPECIAL SCIENCE

JANE?
AND NOW, A SPECIAL SCIENCE
REPORT FROM OUR "WEEKEND UPDATE"

AND NOW, A SPECIAL SCIENCE
REPORT FROM OUR "WEEKEND UPDATE"
SCIENCE EDITOR, DR. AL FRANKEN.

REPORT FROM OUR "WEEKEND UPDATE"
SCIENCE EDITOR, DR. AL FRANKEN.
WELL, THANK YOU, JANE.

SCIENCE EDITOR, DR. AL FRANKEN.
WELL, THANK YOU, JANE.
NOW, I UNDERSTAND TODAY

WELL, THANK YOU, JANE.
NOW, I UNDERSTAND TODAY
YOU'RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT

NOW, I UNDERSTAND TODAY
YOU'RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT
THE COCKROACH.

YOU'RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT
THE COCKROACH.
THAT'S RIGHT, JANE.

THE COCKROACH.
THAT'S RIGHT, JANE.
YOU'RE 100% CORRECT THERE.

THAT'S RIGHT, JANE.
YOU'RE 100% CORRECT THERE.
THE COCKROACH IS ACTUALLY

YOU'RE 100% CORRECT THERE.
THE COCKROACH IS ACTUALLY
ANY OF NUMEROUS ORTHOPTEROUS

THE COCKROACH IS ACTUALLY
ANY OF NUMEROUS ORTHOPTEROUS
INSECTS OF THE FAMILY BLATTIDAE

ANY OF NUMEROUS ORTHOPTEROUS
INSECTS OF THE FAMILY BLATTIDAE
CHARACTERIZED BY FLATTENED

INSECTS OF THE FAMILY BLATTIDAE
CHARACTERIZED BY FLATTENED
BODY, RAPID MOVEMENTS AND

CHARACTERIZED BY FLATTENED
BODY, RAPID MOVEMENTS AND
NOCTURNAL HABITS.

BODY, RAPID MOVEMENTS AND
NOCTURNAL HABITS.
NOW, THE COCKROACH HAS A

NOCTURNAL HABITS.
NOW, THE COCKROACH HAS A
REPUTATION, A WELL-DESERVED ONE,

NOW, THE COCKROACH HAS A
REPUTATION, A WELL-DESERVED ONE,
I MIGHT ADD, AS BEING A

REPUTATION, A WELL-DESERVED ONE,
I MIGHT ADD, AS BEING A
DIFFICULT INSECT TO KILL.

I MIGHT ADD, AS BEING A
DIFFICULT INSECT TO KILL.
IN FACT, THE SPECIES PRE-DATES

DIFFICULT INSECT TO KILL.
IN FACT, THE SPECIES PRE-DATES
MAN, AND MAY WELL SURVIVE US.

IN FACT, THE SPECIES PRE-DATES
MAN, AND MAY WELL SURVIVE US.
NOW, I HAVE HERE SEVERAL LIVE

MAN, AND MAY WELL SURVIVE US.
NOW, I HAVE HERE SEVERAL LIVE
COCKROACHES AND...

NOW, I HAVE HERE SEVERAL LIVE
COCKROACHES AND...
SEE WHAT WE CAN

COCKROACHES AND...
SEE WHAT WE CAN
DO WITH THEM HERE.

SEE WHAT WE CAN
DO WITH THEM HERE.
BY THE WAY, THIS IS A...

DO WITH THEM HERE.
BY THE WAY, THIS IS A...
THE BEST THING TO DEAL WITH

BY THE WAY, THIS IS A...
THE BEST THING TO DEAL WITH
ROACHES WITH.

THE BEST THING TO DEAL WITH
ROACHES WITH.
IF YOU EVER WANNA

ROACHES WITH.
IF YOU EVER WANNA
HANDLE A ROACH...

IF YOU EVER WANNA
HANDLE A ROACH...
YOU CAN GET THIS AT ANY...

HANDLE A ROACH...
YOU CAN GET THIS AT ANY...
[LAUGHTER]

YOU CAN GET THIS AT ANY...
[LAUGHTER]
TRYING TO GET, AH, THERE WE GO.

[LAUGHTER]
TRYING TO GET, AH, THERE WE GO.
WE GOT ONE HERE, LIVE COCKROACH

TRYING TO GET, AH, THERE WE GO.
WE GOT ONE HERE, LIVE COCKROACH
AND WE'RE JUST GONNA

WE GOT ONE HERE, LIVE COCKROACH
AND WE'RE JUST GONNA
JUST RIP HIS ANTENNA OFF

AND WE'RE JUST GONNA
JUST RIP HIS ANTENNA OFF
AND PEEL HIS LEGS...

JUST RIP HIS ANTENNA OFF
AND PEEL HIS LEGS...
AND JUST SEE WHAT HAPPENS THERE,

AND PEEL HIS LEGS...
AND JUST SEE WHAT HAPPENS THERE,
OH, I JUST TORE HIS BODY OFF

AND JUST SEE WHAT HAPPENS THERE,
OH, I JUST TORE HIS BODY OFF
THERE, SO, UH...

OH, I JUST TORE HIS BODY OFF
THERE, SO, UH...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND GROANS]

THERE, SO, UH...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND GROANS]
LET'S GET ONE MORE AND SEE WHAT,

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND GROANS]
LET'S GET ONE MORE AND SEE WHAT,
OH, THERE HE GOES...

LET'S GET ONE MORE AND SEE WHAT,
OH, THERE HE GOES...
SEE HAPPENS WHEN WE, WHEN WE

OH, THERE HE GOES...
SEE HAPPENS WHEN WE, WHEN WE
STICK A PIN THROUGH HIM.

SEE HAPPENS WHEN WE, WHEN WE
STICK A PIN THROUGH HIM.
[LAUGHTER]

STICK A PIN THROUGH HIM.
[LAUGHTER]
HERE'S ONE WE DID EARLIER.

[LAUGHTER]
HERE'S ONE WE DID EARLIER.
AND AS YOU CAN SEE

HERE'S ONE WE DID EARLIER.
AND AS YOU CAN SEE
HE'S NO LONGER LIVING AND...

AND AS YOU CAN SEE
HE'S NO LONGER LIVING AND...
THERE WE GO, NOW AS YOU CAN SEE,

HE'S NO LONGER LIVING AND...
THERE WE GO, NOW AS YOU CAN SEE,
HE'S WRIGGLING AROUND... A VERY,

THERE WE GO, NOW AS YOU CAN SEE,
HE'S WRIGGLING AROUND... A VERY,
VERY DIFFICULT INSECT TO KILL,

HE'S WRIGGLING AROUND... A VERY,
VERY DIFFICULT INSECT TO KILL,
IT'S ABSOLUTELY FASCINATING.

VERY DIFFICULT INSECT TO KILL,
IT'S ABSOLUTELY FASCINATING.
NOW, HEAT, OF COURSE...

IT'S ABSOLUTELY FASCINATING.
NOW, HEAT, OF COURSE...
[JANE SQUEALS]

NOW, HEAT, OF COURSE...
[JANE SQUEALS]
[LAUGHTER]

[JANE SQUEALS]
[LAUGHTER]
HERE JANE AS YOU CAN SEE

[LAUGHTER]
HERE JANE AS YOU CAN SEE
IT'S A STILL VERY MUCH ALIVE.

HERE JANE AS YOU CAN SEE
IT'S A STILL VERY MUCH ALIVE.
NOW, OF COURSE, HEAT IS A

IT'S A STILL VERY MUCH ALIVE.
NOW, OF COURSE, HEAT IS A
VERY EFFECTIVE WAY OF KILLING

NOW, OF COURSE, HEAT IS A
VERY EFFECTIVE WAY OF KILLING
ANY LIVING MATTER, SO LET'S TRY

VERY EFFECTIVE WAY OF KILLING
ANY LIVING MATTER, SO LET'S TRY
BOILING ONE OF THESE FELLAS.

ANY LIVING MATTER, SO LET'S TRY
BOILING ONE OF THESE FELLAS.
THERE HE GOES, COME ON.

BOILING ONE OF THESE FELLAS.
THERE HE GOES, COME ON.
THERE YOU GO AND...

THERE HE GOES, COME ON.
THERE YOU GO AND...
WE'LL BE CHECKING ON HIM

THERE YOU GO AND...
WE'LL BE CHECKING ON HIM
A LITTLE LATER.

WE'LL BE CHECKING ON HIM
A LITTLE LATER.
NOW, HERE WE HAVE

A LITTLE LATER.
NOW, HERE WE HAVE
A FEW MORE FELLAS HERE.

NOW, HERE WE HAVE
A FEW MORE FELLAS HERE.
LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE

A FEW MORE FELLAS HERE.
LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE
TRY A LITTLE DISHWASHING LIQUID.

LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE
TRY A LITTLE DISHWASHING LIQUID.
[LAUGHTER]

TRY A LITTLE DISHWASHING LIQUID.
[LAUGHTER]
THIS SHOULD SUFFOCATE THEM.

[LAUGHTER]
THIS SHOULD SUFFOCATE THEM.
DOCTOR, DOCTOR, WHAT IN

THIS SHOULD SUFFOCATE THEM.
DOCTOR, DOCTOR, WHAT IN
THE WORLD ARE YOU TRYING

DOCTOR, DOCTOR, WHAT IN
THE WORLD ARE YOU TRYING
TO PROVE?

THE WORLD ARE YOU TRYING
TO PROVE?
I'M SORRY?

TO PROVE?
I'M SORRY?
WHAT ARE YOU GETTING AT, JANE?

I'M SORRY?
WHAT ARE YOU GETTING AT, JANE?
WHAT ARE THESE EXPERIMENTS

WHAT ARE YOU GETTING AT, JANE?
WHAT ARE THESE EXPERIMENTS
SUPPOSED TO DEMONSTRATE?

WHAT ARE THESE EXPERIMENTS
SUPPOSED TO DEMONSTRATE?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

SUPPOSED TO DEMONSTRATE?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
WELL, EXPERIMENTS USUALLY

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
WELL, EXPERIMENTS USUALLY
TRY TO PROVE SOMETHING,

WELL, EXPERIMENTS USUALLY
TRY TO PROVE SOMETHING,
OR ACTUALLY TRY TO DEMONSTRATE

TRY TO PROVE SOMETHING,
OR ACTUALLY TRY TO DEMONSTRATE
SOME THEORY OR FACT..

OR ACTUALLY TRY TO DEMONSTRATE
SOME THEORY OR FACT..
WELL, THAT'S NOT

SOME THEORY OR FACT..
WELL, THAT'S NOT
ACTUALLY TRUE.

WELL, THAT'S NOT
ACTUALLY TRUE.
MOST EXPERIMENTS ARE USED

ACTUALLY TRUE.
MOST EXPERIMENTS ARE USED
TO DISCOVER SOMETHING.

MOST EXPERIMENTS ARE USED
TO DISCOVER SOMETHING.
WELL, THEN, WHAT ARE YOU

TO DISCOVER SOMETHING.
WELL, THEN, WHAT ARE YOU
TRYING TO DISCOVER?

WELL, THEN, WHAT ARE YOU
TRYING TO DISCOVER?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

TRYING TO DISCOVER?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
IF SCIENTISTS ALWAYS HAD TO KNOW

WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
IF SCIENTISTS ALWAYS HAD TO KNOW
WHAT THEY WERE TRYING TO

IF SCIENTISTS ALWAYS HAD TO KNOW
WHAT THEY WERE TRYING TO
DISCOVER, WE NEVER WOULD HAVE

WHAT THEY WERE TRYING TO
DISCOVER, WE NEVER WOULD HAVE
INVENTED PENICILLIN,

DISCOVER, WE NEVER WOULD HAVE
INVENTED PENICILLIN,
OR PHOTOGRAPHY, OR A LOT OF

INVENTED PENICILLIN,
OR PHOTOGRAPHY, OR A LOT OF
OTHER REALLY IMPORTANT

OR PHOTOGRAPHY, OR A LOT OF
OTHER REALLY IMPORTANT
INVENTIONS.

OTHER REALLY IMPORTANT
INVENTIONS.
I SEE.

INVENTIONS.
I SEE.
IT'S A TEDIOUS PROCESS

I SEE.
IT'S A TEDIOUS PROCESS
BUT, UNFORTUNATELY,

IT'S A TEDIOUS PROCESS
BUT, UNFORTUNATELY,
IT'S ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY.

BUT, UNFORTUNATELY,
IT'S ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY.
WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH,

IT'S ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY.
WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH,
DR. FRANKEN.

WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH,
DR. FRANKEN.
THANK YOU, JANE.

DR. FRANKEN.
THANK YOU, JANE.
NO, THANK YOU, DOCTOR.

A FINAL NOTE:
THIS THURSDAY, MACY'S WILL HOLD
ITS 53rd ANNUAL THANKSGIVING

THIS THURSDAY, MACY'S WILL HOLD
ITS 53rd ANNUAL THANKSGIVING
DAY PARADE IN NEW YORK.

ITS 53rd ANNUAL THANKSGIVING
DAY PARADE IN NEW YORK.
NOTICEABLY MISSING FROM THIS

DAY PARADE IN NEW YORK.
NOTICEABLY MISSING FROM THIS
YEAR'S FESTIVITIES WILL BE

NOTICEABLY MISSING FROM THIS
YEAR'S FESTIVITIES WILL BE
THE GIANT BALLOONS LOVED BY

YEAR'S FESTIVITIES WILL BE
THE GIANT BALLOONS LOVED BY
YOUNG AND OLD ALIKE

THE GIANT BALLOONS LOVED BY
YOUNG AND OLD ALIKE
AFTER LAST YEAR'S TRAGIC

YOUNG AND OLD ALIKE
AFTER LAST YEAR'S TRAGIC
ACCIDENT IN WHICH THE SNOOPY

AFTER LAST YEAR'S TRAGIC
ACCIDENT IN WHICH THE SNOOPY
BALLOON SUDDENLY BURST

ACCIDENT IN WHICH THE SNOOPY
BALLOON SUDDENLY BURST
INTO FLAMES.

BALLOON SUDDENLY BURST
INTO FLAMES.
OH, MY GOD, THERE HE GOES.

INTO FLAMES.
OH, MY GOD, THERE HE GOES.
POOR SNOOPY.

OH, MY GOD, THERE HE GOES.
POOR SNOOPY.
THERE GO HIS BIG FLOPPY EARS...

POOR SNOOPY.
THERE GO HIS BIG FLOPPY EARS...
THERE GOES THE LITTLE

THERE GO HIS BIG FLOPPY EARS...
THERE GOES THE LITTLE
BUTTON NOSE.

THERE GOES THE LITTLE
BUTTON NOSE.
WELL, I'M SURE WE'RE ALL

BUTTON NOSE.
WELL, I'M SURE WE'RE ALL
GOING TO MISS SNOOPY.

WELL, I'M SURE WE'RE ALL
GOING TO MISS SNOOPY.
PEOPLE ARE STILL DEBATING

GOING TO MISS SNOOPY.
PEOPLE ARE STILL DEBATING
WHETHER THE TRAGEDY WAS CAUSED

PEOPLE ARE STILL DEBATING
WHETHER THE TRAGEDY WAS CAUSED
BY A HYDROGEN IN THE BALLOON

WHETHER THE TRAGEDY WAS CAUSED
BY A HYDROGEN IN THE BALLOON
OR BY SABOTAGE FROM GIMBALS,

BY A HYDROGEN IN THE BALLOON
OR BY SABOTAGE FROM GIMBALS,
A COMPETING DEPARTMENT STORE.

OR BY SABOTAGE FROM GIMBALS,
A COMPETING DEPARTMENT STORE.
WELL, THAT'S THE NEWS.

A COMPETING DEPARTMENT STORE.
WELL, THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A

WELL, THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A
PLEASANT TOMORROW.

GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A
PLEASANT TOMORROW.
[APPLAUSE]

Woman: WAIT TILL YOU SEE IT.
AND WE FIXED IT UP SINCE
YOU WERE HERE LAST.

AND WE FIXED IT UP SINCE
YOU WERE HERE LAST.
I'M SURE THOUGH YOU ALL

YOU WERE HERE LAST.
I'M SURE THOUGH YOU ALL
RECOGNIZE THIS TABLE.

I'M SURE THOUGH YOU ALL
RECOGNIZE THIS TABLE.
WE SHOULD AUNT JUDY.

RECOGNIZE THIS TABLE.
WE SHOULD AUNT JUDY.
YOU MAKE US EAT DOWN HERE

WE SHOULD AUNT JUDY.
YOU MAKE US EAT DOWN HERE
EVERY TIME WE COME TO VISIT.

YOU MAKE US EAT DOWN HERE
EVERY TIME WE COME TO VISIT.
OH, NOW BOBBY, I HOPE YOU'RE

EVERY TIME WE COME TO VISIT.
OH, NOW BOBBY, I HOPE YOU'RE
REALLY NOT UPSET ABOUT THIS.

OH, NOW BOBBY, I HOPE YOU'RE
REALLY NOT UPSET ABOUT THIS.
NO, NO, I'LL BE FINE,

REALLY NOT UPSET ABOUT THIS.
NO, NO, I'LL BE FINE,
AUNT JUDY.

NO, NO, I'LL BE FINE,
AUNT JUDY.
NOW, LISTEN...

AUNT JUDY.
NOW, LISTEN...
IF ANYBODY WANTS TO HAVE

NOW, LISTEN...
IF ANYBODY WANTS TO HAVE
SECONDS, ANDY CAN GET IT FOR

IF ANYBODY WANTS TO HAVE
SECONDS, ANDY CAN GET IT FOR
YOU AND DON'T FORGET WE'RE ALL

SECONDS, ANDY CAN GET IT FOR
YOU AND DON'T FORGET WE'RE ALL
GONNA BE HAVING DESSERT

YOU AND DON'T FORGET WE'RE ALL
GONNA BE HAVING DESSERT
TOGETHER IN THE LIVING ROOM

GONNA BE HAVING DESSERT
TOGETHER IN THE LIVING ROOM
IN JUST ABOUT AN HOUR.

TOGETHER IN THE LIVING ROOM
IN JUST ABOUT AN HOUR.
Andy: OKAY, MOM.

IN JUST ABOUT AN HOUR.
Andy: OKAY, MOM.
Woman: THANKS, AUNT JUDY.

Andy: OKAY, MOM.
Woman: THANKS, AUNT JUDY.
THANKS A LOT, AUNT JUDY.

Woman: THANKS, AUNT JUDY.
THANKS A LOT, AUNT JUDY.
I DON'T BELIEVE WE GET

THANKS A LOT, AUNT JUDY.
I DON'T BELIEVE WE GET
SUCKERED INTO THIS EVERY YEAR.

I DON'T BELIEVE WE GET
SUCKERED INTO THIS EVERY YEAR.
WHEN I WAS 12 AUNT JUDY SAID,

SUCKERED INTO THIS EVERY YEAR.
WHEN I WAS 12 AUNT JUDY SAID,
EVERYONE UNDER 15 HAD TO EAT

WHEN I WAS 12 AUNT JUDY SAID,
EVERYONE UNDER 15 HAD TO EAT
THANKSGIVING DINNER

EVERYONE UNDER 15 HAD TO EAT
THANKSGIVING DINNER
IN THE BASEMENT.

THANKSGIVING DINNER
IN THE BASEMENT.
WHEN I WAS 15 AUNT JUDY SAID,

IN THE BASEMENT.
WHEN I WAS 15 AUNT JUDY SAID,
EVERYONE UNDER 21 HAD TO

WHEN I WAS 15 AUNT JUDY SAID,
EVERYONE UNDER 21 HAD TO
EAT IN THE BASEMENT.

EVERYONE UNDER 21 HAD TO
EAT IN THE BASEMENT.
I'M 26 NOW, AUNT JUDY SAYS,

EAT IN THE BASEMENT.
I'M 26 NOW, AUNT JUDY SAYS,
EVERYONE UNDER 30 HAS TO

I'M 26 NOW, AUNT JUDY SAYS,
EVERYONE UNDER 30 HAS TO
EAT IN THE BASEMENT.

EVERYONE UNDER 30 HAS TO
EAT IN THE BASEMENT.
I DON'T WANNA EAT DOWN

EAT IN THE BASEMENT.
I DON'T WANNA EAT DOWN
HERE ANYMORE.

I DON'T WANNA EAT DOWN
HERE ANYMORE.
I WANNA SIT WITH THE GROWNUPS

HERE ANYMORE.
I WANNA SIT WITH THE GROWNUPS
IN THE DINING ROOM.

I WANNA SIT WITH THE GROWNUPS
IN THE DINING ROOM.
BOB, WOULD YOU PLEASE RELAX?

IN THE DINING ROOM.
BOB, WOULD YOU PLEASE RELAX?
YOU MAKE THE SAME FUSS

BOB, WOULD YOU PLEASE RELAX?
YOU MAKE THE SAME FUSS
EVERY YEAR.

YOU MAKE THE SAME FUSS
EVERY YEAR.
IF IT'S ANY CONSOLATION TO YOU

EVERY YEAR.
IF IT'S ANY CONSOLATION TO YOU
I ONCE ATE THANKSGIVING UPSTAIRS

IF IT'S ANY CONSOLATION TO YOU
I ONCE ATE THANKSGIVING UPSTAIRS
WITH THE ADULTS AND IT'S NO

I ONCE ATE THANKSGIVING UPSTAIRS
WITH THE ADULTS AND IT'S NO
BETTER THAN IT IS DOWN HERE.

WITH THE ADULTS AND IT'S NO
BETTER THAN IT IS DOWN HERE.
THAT'S NOT THE POINT.

BETTER THAN IT IS DOWN HERE.
THAT'S NOT THE POINT.
I JUST THINK THAT IT'S INSULTING

THAT'S NOT THE POINT.
I JUST THINK THAT IT'S INSULTING
THAT AT ALL THESE FAMILY

I JUST THINK THAT IT'S INSULTING
THAT AT ALL THESE FAMILY
REUNIONS WE'RE STILL TREATED

THAT AT ALL THESE FAMILY
REUNIONS WE'RE STILL TREATED
LIKE WE'RE IN KINDERGARTEN.

REUNIONS WE'RE STILL TREATED
LIKE WE'RE IN KINDERGARTEN.
OH GOD, YOU SHOULD'VE

LIKE WE'RE IN KINDERGARTEN.
OH GOD, YOU SHOULD'VE
LEARNED TO LIVE WITH IT BY NOW,

OH GOD, YOU SHOULD'VE
LEARNED TO LIVE WITH IT BY NOW,
BOB, I MEAN...

LEARNED TO LIVE WITH IT BY NOW,
BOB, I MEAN...
I'VE KINDA COME TO LOOK AT

BOB, I MEAN...
I'VE KINDA COME TO LOOK AT
SITTING AT THE KIDDIE TABLE

I'VE KINDA COME TO LOOK AT
SITTING AT THE KIDDIE TABLE
AS KIND OF A LOVELY

SITTING AT THE KIDDIE TABLE
AS KIND OF A LOVELY
THANKSGIVING TRADITION.

AS KIND OF A LOVELY
THANKSGIVING TRADITION.
ME TOO.

THANKSGIVING TRADITION.
ME TOO.
HEY, REMEMBER THAT THANKSGIVING

ME TOO.
HEY, REMEMBER THAT THANKSGIVING
WHEN WE WERE NINE?

HEY, REMEMBER THAT THANKSGIVING
WHEN WE WERE NINE?
WE HAD THAT CONTEST TO SEE

WHEN WE WERE NINE?
WE HAD THAT CONTEST TO SEE
WHO COULD STUFF THE MOST FOOD

WE HAD THAT CONTEST TO SEE
WHO COULD STUFF THE MOST FOOD
INTO THEIR MOUTH?

WHO COULD STUFF THE MOST FOOD
INTO THEIR MOUTH?
REMEMBER THAT?

INTO THEIR MOUTH?
REMEMBER THAT?
REMEMBER THE YEAR THAT I MADE

REMEMBER THAT?
REMEMBER THE YEAR THAT I MADE
YOU LAUGH WHILE YOU WERE

REMEMBER THE YEAR THAT I MADE
YOU LAUGH WHILE YOU WERE
DRINKING THE MILK?

YOU LAUGH WHILE YOU WERE
DRINKING THE MILK?
AND IT CAME ALL OUT THROUGH YOUR

DRINKING THE MILK?
AND IT CAME ALL OUT THROUGH YOUR
NOSE AND ALL OVER SUSAN'S PLATE?

AND IT CAME ALL OUT THROUGH YOUR
NOSE AND ALL OVER SUSAN'S PLATE?
[SCREAMS]

NOSE AND ALL OVER SUSAN'S PLATE?
[SCREAMS]
DID YOU GIRLS EVER GET

[SCREAMS]
DID YOU GIRLS EVER GET
TICKED OFF BY THAT.

DID YOU GIRLS EVER GET
TICKED OFF BY THAT.
DO YOU THINK WE CAN

TICKED OFF BY THAT.
DO YOU THINK WE CAN
CHANGE THE SUBJECT?

DO YOU THINK WE CAN
CHANGE THE SUBJECT?
I DON'T THINK THIS IS PROPER

CHANGE THE SUBJECT?
I DON'T THINK THIS IS PROPER
DINNER CONVERSATION.

I DON'T THINK THIS IS PROPER
DINNER CONVERSATION.
YOU GUYS ARE REALLY

DINNER CONVERSATION.
YOU GUYS ARE REALLY
GROSSING US OUT, OKAY?

YOU GUYS ARE REALLY
GROSSING US OUT, OKAY?
YOU GIRLS ARE JUST BIG

GROSSING US OUT, OKAY?
YOU GIRLS ARE JUST BIG
BABIES, THAT'S ALL.

YOU GIRLS ARE JUST BIG
BABIES, THAT'S ALL.
'FRAID NOT.

BABIES, THAT'S ALL.
'FRAID NOT.
'FRAID SO.

'FRAID NOT.
'FRAID SO.
'FRAID NOT, YOU BIG JERK.

'FRAID SO.
'FRAID NOT, YOU BIG JERK.
PERHAPS I AM BUT

'FRAID NOT, YOU BIG JERK.
PERHAPS I AM BUT
WHAT ARE YOU?

PERHAPS I AM BUT
WHAT ARE YOU?
WOULD EVERYONE PLEASE

WHAT ARE YOU?
WOULD EVERYONE PLEASE
START ACTING THEIR AGE AGAIN?

WOULD EVERYONE PLEASE
START ACTING THEIR AGE AGAIN?
OH, WHO APPOINTED YOU

START ACTING THEIR AGE AGAIN?
OH, WHO APPOINTED YOU
MISS MATURITY ALL OF A SUDDEN?

OH, WHO APPOINTED YOU
MISS MATURITY ALL OF A SUDDEN?
WHY DON'T YOU JUST

MISS MATURITY ALL OF A SUDDEN?
WHY DON'T YOU JUST
KEEP OUT OF THIS?

WHY DON'T YOU JUST
KEEP OUT OF THIS?
YOU'RE ONLY A COUSIN,

KEEP OUT OF THIS?
YOU'RE ONLY A COUSIN,
I'M THEIR SISTER.

YOU'RE ONLY A COUSIN,
I'M THEIR SISTER.
SEE WHAT I MEAN ABOUT THE

I'M THEIR SISTER.
SEE WHAT I MEAN ABOUT THE
BOYS ALWAYS RUINING OUR

SEE WHAT I MEAN ABOUT THE
BOYS ALWAYS RUINING OUR
THANKSGIVING DINNER?

BOYS ALWAYS RUINING OUR
THANKSGIVING DINNER?
SEE WHAT I MEAN ABOUT THE

THANKSGIVING DINNER?
SEE WHAT I MEAN ABOUT THE
BOYS ALWAYS RUINING OUR

SEE WHAT I MEAN ABOUT THE
BOYS ALWAYS RUINING OUR
THANKSGIVING DINNER?

BOYS ALWAYS RUINING OUR
THANKSGIVING DINNER?
HA, HA, THAT'S VERY FUNNY.

THANKSGIVING DINNER?
HA, HA, THAT'S VERY FUNNY.
HA, HA, THAT'S VERY FUNNY.

HA, HA, THAT'S VERY FUNNY.
HA, HA, THAT'S VERY FUNNY.
STOP MOCKING ME.

HA, HA, THAT'S VERY FUNNY.
STOP MOCKING ME.
STOP MOCKING ME.

STOP MOCKING ME.
STOP MOCKING ME.
CUT IT OUT, OKAY?

STOP MOCKING ME.
CUT IT OUT, OKAY?
CUT IT OUT, OKAY?

CUT IT OUT, OKAY?
CUT IT OUT, OKAY?
I'M GONNA TELL!

CUT IT OUT, OKAY?
I'M GONNA TELL!
I'M GONNA TELL!

I'M GONNA TELL!
I'M GONNA TELL!
I'M TELLING AUNT JUDY

I'M GONNA TELL!
I'M TELLING AUNT JUDY
RIGHT NOW... JUDY!

I'M TELLING AUNT JUDY
RIGHT NOW... JUDY!
AUNT JUDY!

RIGHT NOW... JUDY!
AUNT JUDY!
I SUPPOSE YOU REALLY APPROVE

AUNT JUDY!
I SUPPOSE YOU REALLY APPROVE
OF HIS ANTICS, DON'T YOU?

I SUPPOSE YOU REALLY APPROVE
OF HIS ANTICS, DON'T YOU?
WELL, WHAT'S IT TO YOU,

OF HIS ANTICS, DON'T YOU?
WELL, WHAT'S IT TO YOU,
ANYWAY?

WELL, WHAT'S IT TO YOU,
ANYWAY?
[SCREAMS]

ANYWAY?
[SCREAMS]
YOU FLINCHED.

[SCREAMS]
YOU FLINCHED.
OW!

YOU FLINCHED.
OW!
[CROWD LAUGHS]

OW!
[CROWD LAUGHS]
YOU JUST HIT ME

[CROWD LAUGHS]
YOU JUST HIT ME
FOR NO GOOD REASON.

YOU JUST HIT ME
FOR NO GOOD REASON.
THAT DIDN'T HURT.

FOR NO GOOD REASON.
THAT DIDN'T HURT.
LOOK, I'LL DO IT TO MYSELF, SEE?

THAT DIDN'T HURT.
LOOK, I'LL DO IT TO MYSELF, SEE?
NO FLINCH, NO FLINCH, NO FLINCH.

LOOK, I'LL DO IT TO MYSELF, SEE?
NO FLINCH, NO FLINCH, NO FLINCH.
[SCREAMS]

NO FLINCH, NO FLINCH, NO FLINCH.
[SCREAMS]
YOU FLINCHED.

[SCREAMS]
YOU FLINCHED.
OW!

YOU FLINCHED.
OW!
[OVERLAPPING YELLING]

OW!
[OVERLAPPING YELLING]
WE'RE NOT DOING ANYTHING MOM!

[OVERLAPPING YELLING]
WE'RE NOT DOING ANYTHING MOM!
Bob: PAY NO ATTENTION TO HER,

WE'RE NOT DOING ANYTHING MOM!
Bob: PAY NO ATTENTION TO HER,
SHE'S NOTHING BUT A BIG BABY!

Bob: PAY NO ATTENTION TO HER,
SHE'S NOTHING BUT A BIG BABY!
SAY, HOW ARE THINGS WORKING OUT

SHE'S NOTHING BUT A BIG BABY!
SAY, HOW ARE THINGS WORKING OUT
WITH YOU AT MEDICAL SCHOOL?

SAY, HOW ARE THINGS WORKING OUT
WITH YOU AT MEDICAL SCHOOL?
IT'S PRETTY GOOD, YOU KNOW,

WITH YOU AT MEDICAL SCHOOL?
IT'S PRETTY GOOD, YOU KNOW,
YOU GOTTA SPECIALIZE THESE DAYS

IT'S PRETTY GOOD, YOU KNOW,
YOU GOTTA SPECIALIZE THESE DAYS
AND I'M THINKING ABOUT

YOU GOTTA SPECIALIZE THESE DAYS
AND I'M THINKING ABOUT
RADIOLOGY.

AND I'M THINKING ABOUT
RADIOLOGY.
Aunt Judy: WHAT IS GOING ON

RADIOLOGY.
Aunt Judy: WHAT IS GOING ON
DOWN THERE?

Aunt Judy: WHAT IS GOING ON
DOWN THERE?
JUST TALKING ABOUT

DOWN THERE?
JUST TALKING ABOUT
MEDICAL SCHOOL, MOM.

JUST TALKING ABOUT
MEDICAL SCHOOL, MOM.
YEAH, LIKE FUN YOU WERE.

MEDICAL SCHOOL, MOM.
YEAH, LIKE FUN YOU WERE.
WE WERE SO.

YEAH, LIKE FUN YOU WERE.
WE WERE SO.
NOW LOOK HERE!

WE WERE SO.
NOW LOOK HERE!
YOU CAN JOLLY WELL STRAIGHTEN UP

NOW LOOK HERE!
YOU CAN JOLLY WELL STRAIGHTEN UP
OR NOT EXPECT TO JOIN US

YOU CAN JOLLY WELL STRAIGHTEN UP
OR NOT EXPECT TO JOIN US
FOR DESSERT.

OR NOT EXPECT TO JOIN US
FOR DESSERT.
HONESTLY, I'D LIKE TO THINK

FOR DESSERT.
HONESTLY, I'D LIKE TO THINK
THAT THE FOUR OF YOU COULD COME

HONESTLY, I'D LIKE TO THINK
THAT THE FOUR OF YOU COULD COME
AND HAVE THANKSGIVING DINNER

THAT THE FOUR OF YOU COULD COME
AND HAVE THANKSGIVING DINNER
WITH US ONCE WITHOUT

AND HAVE THANKSGIVING DINNER
WITH US ONCE WITHOUT
SO MUCH ROUGH HOUSING!

WITH US ONCE WITHOUT
SO MUCH ROUGH HOUSING!
SORRY, MOM.

SO MUCH ROUGH HOUSING!
SORRY, MOM.
SORRY, AUNT JUDY.

SORRY, MOM.
SORRY, AUNT JUDY.
SORRY, AUNT JUDY.

YOU LITTLE SQUEALERS.
WAIT TILL WE GO OUTSIDE TO PLAY.
YOU'RE GONNA GET IT.

WAIT TILL WE GO OUTSIDE TO PLAY.
YOU'RE GONNA GET IT.
STOP IT, DON'T YOU DARE!

YOU'RE GONNA GET IT.
STOP IT, DON'T YOU DARE!
AUNT JUDY!

STOP IT, DON'T YOU DARE!
AUNT JUDY!
[APPLAUSE]

♪ I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR ♪
♪ IN NUMBERS TOO BIG TO IGNORE ♪
♪ AND I KNOW TOO MUCH

♪ IN NUMBERS TOO BIG TO IGNORE ♪
♪ AND I KNOW TOO MUCH
TO GO BACK AND PRETEND ♪

♪ AND I KNOW TOO MUCH
TO GO BACK AND PRETEND ♪
HELLO, AND WELCOME TO

TO GO BACK AND PRETEND ♪
HELLO, AND WELCOME TO
"WOMAN TO WOMAN".

HELLO, AND WELCOME TO
"WOMAN TO WOMAN".
I'M CONNIE CARSON, A YOUNG

"WOMAN TO WOMAN".
I'M CONNIE CARSON, A YOUNG
CAREER WOMAN WHO'S MADE

I'M CONNIE CARSON, A YOUNG
CAREER WOMAN WHO'S MADE
A CAREER OUT OF TALKING TO WOMEN

CAREER WOMAN WHO'S MADE
A CAREER OUT OF TALKING TO WOMEN
ABOUT WOMEN AND THEIR CAREERS.

A CAREER OUT OF TALKING TO WOMEN
ABOUT WOMEN AND THEIR CAREERS.
TODAY, I'M TALKING TO A WOMAN

ABOUT WOMEN AND THEIR CAREERS.
TODAY, I'M TALKING TO A WOMAN
WHO SAYS SHE PREFERS TO BE

TODAY, I'M TALKING TO A WOMAN
WHO SAYS SHE PREFERS TO BE
DESCRIBED BY JUST ONE WORD...

WHO SAYS SHE PREFERS TO BE
DESCRIBED BY JUST ONE WORD...
MOTHER.

DESCRIBED BY JUST ONE WORD...
MOTHER.
I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET

MOTHER.
I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET
MRS. ROSEMARY O'CONNELL.

I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET
MRS. ROSEMARY O'CONNELL.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

MRS. ROSEMARY O'CONNELL.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
JUST HOW MANY CHILDREN

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
JUST HOW MANY CHILDREN
DO YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND HAVE?

JUST HOW MANY CHILDREN
DO YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND HAVE?
FIVE.

DO YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND HAVE?
FIVE.
FIVE WONDERFUL CHILDREN.

FIVE.
FIVE WONDERFUL CHILDREN.
NOW ROSEMARY TELL ME

FIVE WONDERFUL CHILDREN.
NOW ROSEMARY TELL ME
HONESTLY, ARE THEY REALLY ALL

NOW ROSEMARY TELL ME
HONESTLY, ARE THEY REALLY ALL
WONDERFUL?

HONESTLY, ARE THEY REALLY ALL
WONDERFUL?
OH, YES, ABSOLUTELY YES.

WONDERFUL?
OH, YES, ABSOLUTELY YES.
THEY MUST'VE ALL GROWN UP BY

OH, YES, ABSOLUTELY YES.
THEY MUST'VE ALL GROWN UP BY
NOW AND FLOWN THE NEST.

THEY MUST'VE ALL GROWN UP BY
NOW AND FLOWN THE NEST.
THEY'RE ALL LEADING INDEPENDENT

NOW AND FLOWN THE NEST.
THEY'RE ALL LEADING INDEPENDENT
LIVES OF THEIR OWN NOW.

THEY'RE ALL LEADING INDEPENDENT
LIVES OF THEIR OWN NOW.
MY SON JIMMY, HE IS THE OLDEST,

LIVES OF THEIR OWN NOW.
MY SON JIMMY, HE IS THE OLDEST,
HE'S A LAWYER.

MY SON JIMMY, HE IS THE OLDEST,
HE'S A LAWYER.
MY DAUGHTER LOUISE IS A DOCTOR.

HE'S A LAWYER.
MY DAUGHTER LOUISE IS A DOCTOR.
MY SON MAX IS A LAWYER

MY DAUGHTER LOUISE IS A DOCTOR.
MY SON MAX IS A LAWYER
AND A DOCTOR.

MY SON MAX IS A LAWYER
AND A DOCTOR.
[LAUGHTER]

AND A DOCTOR.
[LAUGHTER]
MY DAUGHTER ELIZABETH IS

[LAUGHTER]
MY DAUGHTER ELIZABETH IS
A DOCTOR... AND A LAWYER.

MY DAUGHTER ELIZABETH IS
A DOCTOR... AND A LAWYER.
AND MY YOUNGEST SON, FREE,

A DOCTOR... AND A LAWYER.
AND MY YOUNGEST SON, FREE,
HE'S THE HIPPIE IN THE FAMILY.

AND MY YOUNGEST SON, FREE,
HE'S THE HIPPIE IN THE FAMILY.
HE'S A PARALEGAL...

HE'S THE HIPPIE IN THE FAMILY.
HE'S A PARALEGAL...
AND A PARAMEDIC.

HE'S A PARALEGAL...
AND A PARAMEDIC.
[LAUGHTER]

AND A PARAMEDIC.
[LAUGHTER]
OH... AND DO THEY STAY IN

[LAUGHTER]
OH... AND DO THEY STAY IN
TOUCH OR HAVE THEY FORGOTTEN

OH... AND DO THEY STAY IN
TOUCH OR HAVE THEY FORGOTTEN
ALL ABOUT THEIR OLD MOM?

TOUCH OR HAVE THEY FORGOTTEN
ALL ABOUT THEIR OLD MOM?
HONEY, DO YOU KNOW THAT

ALL ABOUT THEIR OLD MOM?
HONEY, DO YOU KNOW THAT
EACH ONE OF THEM CALLS ME

HONEY, DO YOU KNOW THAT
EACH ONE OF THEM CALLS ME
EVERY SINGLE DAY?

EACH ONE OF THEM CALLS ME
EVERY SINGLE DAY?
SOMETIMES TWICE A DAY.

EVERY SINGLE DAY?
SOMETIMES TWICE A DAY.
IT'S ALMOST A NUISANCE.

SOMETIMES TWICE A DAY.
IT'S ALMOST A NUISANCE.
IT MUST BE.

IT'S ALMOST A NUISANCE.
IT MUST BE.
OF COURSE I NEVER HAD ANY

IT MUST BE.
OF COURSE I NEVER HAD ANY
CHILDREN... HOW COULD I?

OF COURSE I NEVER HAD ANY
CHILDREN... HOW COULD I?
I'M NOT MARRIED.

CHILDREN... HOW COULD I?
I'M NOT MARRIED.
BUT WHEN I IMAGINE GIVING BIRTH

I'M NOT MARRIED.
BUT WHEN I IMAGINE GIVING BIRTH
TO FIVE BALD, RED-FACED, UGLY,

BUT WHEN I IMAGINE GIVING BIRTH
TO FIVE BALD, RED-FACED, UGLY,
MEWLING, PUKING, SICKLY...

TO FIVE BALD, RED-FACED, UGLY,
MEWLING, PUKING, SICKLY...
HONEY, ALL OF MY CHILDREN

MEWLING, PUKING, SICKLY...
HONEY, ALL OF MY CHILDREN
WERE BORN WITH FULL HEADS

HONEY, ALL OF MY CHILDREN
WERE BORN WITH FULL HEADS
OF HAIR.

WERE BORN WITH FULL HEADS
OF HAIR.
BUT ROSEMARY ISN'T GOING

OF HAIR.
BUT ROSEMARY ISN'T GOING
THROUGH LABOR HELL?

BUT ROSEMARY ISN'T GOING
THROUGH LABOR HELL?
OH, NOT FOR ME!

THROUGH LABOR HELL?
OH, NOT FOR ME!
IT WAS A SNAP.

OH, NOT FOR ME!
IT WAS A SNAP.
I GUESS I WAS LUCKY.

IT WAS A SNAP.
I GUESS I WAS LUCKY.
STRETCH MARKS?

I GUESS I WAS LUCKY.
STRETCH MARKS?
WHAT?

STRETCH MARKS?
WHAT?
YOU HEARD ME.

WHAT?
YOU HEARD ME.
OH, OH THAT!

YOU HEARD ME.
OH, OH THAT!
OH CONNIE, NOW WHAT ARE

OH, OH THAT!
OH CONNIE, NOW WHAT ARE
A FEW STRETCH MARKS COMPARED

OH CONNIE, NOW WHAT ARE
A FEW STRETCH MARKS COMPARED
TO THE JOY OF BRINGING A NEW

A FEW STRETCH MARKS COMPARED
TO THE JOY OF BRINGING A NEW
HUMAN BEING INTO THE WORLD?

TO THE JOY OF BRINGING A NEW
HUMAN BEING INTO THE WORLD?
YES, WELL I WOULDN'T KNOW.

HUMAN BEING INTO THE WORLD?
YES, WELL I WOULDN'T KNOW.
JUST TELL ME IF I'M RIGHT

YES, WELL I WOULDN'T KNOW.
JUST TELL ME IF I'M RIGHT
ON THIS ONE...

JUST TELL ME IF I'M RIGHT
ON THIS ONE...
I WOULD IMAGINE THAT WITH

ON THIS ONE...
I WOULD IMAGINE THAT WITH
FIVE CHILDREN A CAREER LIKE

I WOULD IMAGINE THAT WITH
FIVE CHILDREN A CAREER LIKE
THE WONDERFUL CAREER THAT I HAVE

FIVE CHILDREN A CAREER LIKE
THE WONDERFUL CAREER THAT I HAVE
WOULD BE ABSOLUTELY OUT

THE WONDERFUL CAREER THAT I HAVE
WOULD BE ABSOLUTELY OUT
OF THE QUESTION.

WOULD BE ABSOLUTELY OUT
OF THE QUESTION.
OH, NOT REALLY, NOT AT ALL.

OF THE QUESTION.
OH, NOT REALLY, NOT AT ALL.
YOU SEE, I'M A BEST-SELLING

OH, NOT REALLY, NOT AT ALL.
YOU SEE, I'M A BEST-SELLING
NOVELIST.

YOU SEE, I'M A BEST-SELLING
NOVELIST.
I WRITE GOTHIC ROMANCES.

NOVELIST.
I WRITE GOTHIC ROMANCES.
UNDER ANOTHER NAME, OF COURSE.

I WRITE GOTHIC ROMANCES.
UNDER ANOTHER NAME, OF COURSE.
IS THAT SO?

UNDER ANOTHER NAME, OF COURSE.
IS THAT SO?
I SUPPOSE YOU WORK AT HOME?

IS THAT SO?
I SUPPOSE YOU WORK AT HOME?
YES.

I SUPPOSE YOU WORK AT HOME?
YES.
I WRITE ALL MY BOOKS IN LONGHAND

YES.
I WRITE ALL MY BOOKS IN LONGHAND
AT HOME, IN BED.

I WRITE ALL MY BOOKS IN LONGHAND
AT HOME, IN BED.
THE CHILDREN USED TO TAKE TURNS

AT HOME, IN BED.
THE CHILDREN USED TO TAKE TURNS
TYPING AND PROOFREADING

THE CHILDREN USED TO TAKE TURNS
TYPING AND PROOFREADING
THE MANUSCRIPTS.

TYPING AND PROOFREADING
THE MANUSCRIPTS.
THEY KNOW THAT THEIR MOMMY

THE MANUSCRIPTS.
THEY KNOW THAT THEIR MOMMY
IS CORINNE DUROCHER!

THEY KNOW THAT THEIR MOMMY
IS CORINNE DUROCHER!
AUTHOR OF ALL 28 DESIREE NOVELS.

IS CORINNE DUROCHER!
AUTHOR OF ALL 28 DESIREE NOVELS.
HOW PROLIFIC.

AUTHOR OF ALL 28 DESIREE NOVELS.
HOW PROLIFIC.
SO, ROSEMARY YOU'RE A MOTHER,

HOW PROLIFIC.
SO, ROSEMARY YOU'RE A MOTHER,
GOD KNOWS, AND A HACK WRITER

SO, ROSEMARY YOU'RE A MOTHER,
GOD KNOWS, AND A HACK WRITER
BUT WHAT ABOUT YOU HUSBAND?

GOD KNOWS, AND A HACK WRITER
BUT WHAT ABOUT YOU HUSBAND?
DOESN'T HE FEEL LEFT OUT?

BUT WHAT ABOUT YOU HUSBAND?
DOESN'T HE FEEL LEFT OUT?
OH, NOT AT ALL.

DOESN'T HE FEEL LEFT OUT?
OH, NOT AT ALL.
MY HUSBAND HAS SAID REPEATEDLY

OH, NOT AT ALL.
MY HUSBAND HAS SAID REPEATEDLY
THAT FOR HIM THERE IS NO MORE

MY HUSBAND HAS SAID REPEATEDLY
THAT FOR HIM THERE IS NO MORE
BEAUTIFUL SIGHT IN THE WORLD

THAT FOR HIM THERE IS NO MORE
BEAUTIFUL SIGHT IN THE WORLD
THAN A WOMAN CRADLING A CHILD

BEAUTIFUL SIGHT IN THE WORLD
THAN A WOMAN CRADLING A CHILD
TO HER BREAST.

THAN A WOMAN CRADLING A CHILD
TO HER BREAST.
WHAT DOES HE DO?

TO HER BREAST.
WHAT DOES HE DO?
OH, HE'S AN ART HISTORIAN.

WHAT DOES HE DO?
OH, HE'S AN ART HISTORIAN.
MEDIEVAL PORTRAITURE,

OH, HE'S AN ART HISTORIAN.
MEDIEVAL PORTRAITURE,
MADONNAS MOSTLY.

MEDIEVAL PORTRAITURE,
MADONNAS MOSTLY.
LET'S SEE, UM...

MADONNAS MOSTLY.
LET'S SEE, UM...
HAVE, UM, HAVE ANY OF YOUR

LET'S SEE, UM...
HAVE, UM, HAVE ANY OF YOUR
CHILDREN EVER GOTTEN INTO

HAVE, UM, HAVE ANY OF YOUR
CHILDREN EVER GOTTEN INTO
TROUBLE, I MEAN, HAVE THEY EVER

CHILDREN EVER GOTTEN INTO
TROUBLE, I MEAN, HAVE THEY EVER
CAUSED YOU ANY DEEP PAIN?

TROUBLE, I MEAN, HAVE THEY EVER
CAUSED YOU ANY DEEP PAIN?
OH, CONNIE, CONNIE, CONNIE,

CAUSED YOU ANY DEEP PAIN?
OH, CONNIE, CONNIE, CONNIE,
NEVER!

OH, CONNIE, CONNIE, CONNIE,
NEVER!
OH, ROSEMARY, ROSEMARY,

NEVER!
OH, ROSEMARY, ROSEMARY,
ROSEMARY, WHAT ABOUT DRUG ABUSE?

OH, ROSEMARY, ROSEMARY,
ROSEMARY, WHAT ABOUT DRUG ABUSE?
I MEAN PILLS, ANGEL DUST,

ROSEMARY, WHAT ABOUT DRUG ABUSE?
I MEAN PILLS, ANGEL DUST,
ANYTHING LIKE THAT?

I MEAN PILLS, ANGEL DUST,
ANYTHING LIKE THAT?
CONNIE, MAY I TELL YOU A VERY

ANYTHING LIKE THAT?
CONNIE, MAY I TELL YOU A VERY
PERSONAL AND I THINK

CONNIE, MAY I TELL YOU A VERY
PERSONAL AND I THINK
A VERY TOUCHING STORY.

PERSONAL AND I THINK
A VERY TOUCHING STORY.
WHO'S STOPPING YOU?

A VERY TOUCHING STORY.
WHO'S STOPPING YOU?
WELL CONNIE, WHEN MY KIDS

WHO'S STOPPING YOU?
WELL CONNIE, WHEN MY KIDS
WERE STARTING JUNIOR HIGH

WELL CONNIE, WHEN MY KIDS
WERE STARTING JUNIOR HIGH
I GOT ONE OF EVERY DRUG THAT

WERE STARTING JUNIOR HIGH
I GOT ONE OF EVERY DRUG THAT
WAS AVAILABLE ON THE STREET.

I GOT ONE OF EVERY DRUG THAT
WAS AVAILABLE ON THE STREET.
AND I LAID THEY ALL OUT IN FRONT

WAS AVAILABLE ON THE STREET.
AND I LAID THEY ALL OUT IN FRONT
OF THEM AND THEN I TOLD THEM THE

AND I LAID THEY ALL OUT IN FRONT
OF THEM AND THEN I TOLD THEM THE
PHARMACEUTICAL NAME, THE SLANG

OF THEM AND THEN I TOLD THEM THE
PHARMACEUTICAL NAME, THE SLANG
NAME, THE SIDE EFFECTS AND THE

PHARMACEUTICAL NAME, THE SLANG
NAME, THE SIDE EFFECTS AND THE
STREET VALUE OF EACH ONE.

NAME, THE SIDE EFFECTS AND THE
STREET VALUE OF EACH ONE.
AND I SAID, KIDS...

STREET VALUE OF EACH ONE.
AND I SAID, KIDS...
IF EVER YOU FEEL TEMPTED

AND I SAID, KIDS...
IF EVER YOU FEEL TEMPTED
TO TAKE ANY OF THESE DRUGS

IF EVER YOU FEEL TEMPTED
TO TAKE ANY OF THESE DRUGS
COME TO ME, YOUR MOTHER,

TO TAKE ANY OF THESE DRUGS
COME TO ME, YOUR MOTHER,
AND I'LL TAKE THEM WITH YOU.

COME TO ME, YOUR MOTHER,
AND I'LL TAKE THEM WITH YOU.
[LAUGHTER]

AND I'LL TAKE THEM WITH YOU.
[LAUGHTER]
AND, UH, DID THEY?

[LAUGHTER]
AND, UH, DID THEY?
OH, YES.

AND, UH, DID THEY?
OH, YES.
[LAUGHTER]

OH, YES.
[LAUGHTER]
FREE AND I DROPPED ACID

[LAUGHTER]
FREE AND I DROPPED ACID
TOGETHER IN THE LATE SIXTIES.

FREE AND I DROPPED ACID
TOGETHER IN THE LATE SIXTIES.
[LAUGHTER]

TOGETHER IN THE LATE SIXTIES.
[LAUGHTER]
I KNOW IT WAS ONE OF THE MOST

[LAUGHTER]
I KNOW IT WAS ONE OF THE MOST
BEAUTIFUL EXPERIENCES OF MY LIFE

I KNOW IT WAS ONE OF THE MOST
BEAUTIFUL EXPERIENCES OF MY LIFE
AND I LIKE TO BELIEVE THAT

BEAUTIFUL EXPERIENCES OF MY LIFE
AND I LIKE TO BELIEVE THAT
IT WAS FOR FREE ALSO.

AND I LIKE TO BELIEVE THAT
IT WAS FOR FREE ALSO.
OKAY, VIEWERS,

IT WAS FOR FREE ALSO.
OKAY, VIEWERS,
HERE'S TODAY'S MOTHER FOR YOU:

OKAY, VIEWERS,
HERE'S TODAY'S MOTHER FOR YOU:
ROSEMARY O'CONNELL.

HERE'S TODAY'S MOTHER FOR YOU:
ROSEMARY O'CONNELL.
SHE FORCES HER INNOCENT CHILDREN

ROSEMARY O'CONNELL.
SHE FORCES HER INNOCENT CHILDREN
TO TAKE DRUGS WITH HER.

SHE FORCES HER INNOCENT CHILDREN
TO TAKE DRUGS WITH HER.
THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE

TO TAKE DRUGS WITH HER.
THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE
ON "WOMAN TO WOMAN".

THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE
ON "WOMAN TO WOMAN".
I'M CONNIE CARSON, A YOUNG,

ON "WOMAN TO WOMAN".
I'M CONNIE CARSON, A YOUNG,
UNMARRIED CAREER WOMAN

I'M CONNIE CARSON, A YOUNG,
UNMARRIED CAREER WOMAN
WITH NO CHILDREN, WHO MAKES A

UNMARRIED CAREER WOMAN
WITH NO CHILDREN, WHO MAKES A
CAREER OUT OF TALKING TO WOMEN

WITH NO CHILDREN, WHO MAKES A
CAREER OUT OF TALKING TO WOMEN
ABOUT WOMEN AND THEIR CAREERS.

CAREER OUT OF TALKING TO WOMEN
ABOUT WOMEN AND THEIR CAREERS.
BE SURE TO JOIN US NEXT WEEK

ABOUT WOMEN AND THEIR CAREERS.
BE SURE TO JOIN US NEXT WEEK
WHEN WE'LL BE TALKING TO JOAN

BE SURE TO JOIN US NEXT WEEK
WHEN WE'LL BE TALKING TO JOAN
KENNEDY ABOUT THE TREMENDOUS

WHEN WE'LL BE TALKING TO JOAN
KENNEDY ABOUT THE TREMENDOUS
PROGRESS SHE'S MADE IN LEARNING

KENNEDY ABOUT THE TREMENDOUS
PROGRESS SHE'S MADE IN LEARNING
TO CONTROL HER FACIAL

PROGRESS SHE'S MADE IN LEARNING
TO CONTROL HER FACIAL
MUSCLES IN PUBLIC.

TO CONTROL HER FACIAL
MUSCLES IN PUBLIC.
GOODNIGHT!

MUSCLES IN PUBLIC.
GOODNIGHT!
[APPLAUSE]

Man: PRICES ARE GOING
OUT OF SIGHT.
INFLATION IS EVERYWHERE AND

OUT OF SIGHT.
INFLATION IS EVERYWHERE AND
THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN

INFLATION IS EVERYWHERE AND
THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN
DO ABOUT IT.

THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN
DO ABOUT IT.
OH YEAH?

DO ABOUT IT.
OH YEAH?
SAYS WHO?

OH YEAH?
SAYS WHO?
HI, TOM CLAY FOR SAVECO.

SAYS WHO?
HI, TOM CLAY FOR SAVECO.
AMERICA'S NUMBER ONE CHAIN OF

HI, TOM CLAY FOR SAVECO.
AMERICA'S NUMBER ONE CHAIN OF
RECALLED-PRODUCTS DISCOUNT

AMERICA'S NUMBER ONE CHAIN OF
RECALLED-PRODUCTS DISCOUNT
CENTERS.

RECALLED-PRODUCTS DISCOUNT
CENTERS.
HEY, NOBODY LIKES TO PAY RETAIL,

CENTERS.
HEY, NOBODY LIKES TO PAY RETAIL,
OR EVEN WHOLESALE, PRICES.

HEY, NOBODY LIKES TO PAY RETAIL,
OR EVEN WHOLESALE, PRICES.
THAT'S WHY THERE'S SAVECO.

OR EVEN WHOLESALE, PRICES.
THAT'S WHY THERE'S SAVECO.
LET ME TELL YOU WHAT WE DO -

THAT'S WHY THERE'S SAVECO.
LET ME TELL YOU WHAT WE DO -
EVERY TIME THE FEDERAL

LET ME TELL YOU WHAT WE DO -
EVERY TIME THE FEDERAL
GOVERNMENT ORDERS A PRODUCT

EVERY TIME THE FEDERAL
GOVERNMENT ORDERS A PRODUCT
RECALLED - WE BUY IT!

GOVERNMENT ORDERS A PRODUCT
RECALLED - WE BUY IT!
NO, NOT ONE OR TWO AT A TIME.

RECALLED - WE BUY IT!
NO, NOT ONE OR TWO AT A TIME.
NOT EVEN BY THE DOZEN.

NO, NOT ONE OR TWO AT A TIME.
NOT EVEN BY THE DOZEN.
IN CARLOAD LOTS!

NOT EVEN BY THE DOZEN.
IN CARLOAD LOTS!
THEN, WE SELL THESE BRAND-NEW

IN CARLOAD LOTS!
THEN, WE SELL THESE BRAND-NEW
PRODUCTS.

THEN, WE SELL THESE BRAND-NEW
PRODUCTS.
HIGH FASHION LIPSTICKS

PRODUCTS.
HIGH FASHION LIPSTICKS
WITH RED DYES NUMBER TWO AND

HIGH FASHION LIPSTICKS
WITH RED DYES NUMBER TWO AND
FOUR, MICROWAVE OVENS THAT

WITH RED DYES NUMBER TWO AND
FOUR, MICROWAVE OVENS THAT
BARELY EXCEED RADIATION-LEAKAGE

FOUR, MICROWAVE OVENS THAT
BARELY EXCEED RADIATION-LEAKAGE
STANDARDS, EVEN CHILDREN'S

BARELY EXCEED RADIATION-LEAKAGE
STANDARDS, EVEN CHILDREN'S
PAJAMAS COMPLETELY FIREPROOF

STANDARDS, EVEN CHILDREN'S
PAJAMAS COMPLETELY FIREPROOF
WITH A POSSIBLE CARCINOGEN...

PAJAMAS COMPLETELY FIREPROOF
WITH A POSSIBLE CARCINOGEN...
WE SELL 'EM ALL!

WITH A POSSIBLE CARCINOGEN...
WE SELL 'EM ALL!
AT A FRACTION OF THEIR

WE SELL 'EM ALL!
AT A FRACTION OF THEIR
ORIGINAL PRICE.

AT A FRACTION OF THEIR
ORIGINAL PRICE.
AND 10 CENTS OUT OF EVERY

ORIGINAL PRICE.
AND 10 CENTS OUT OF EVERY
PROFIT DOLLAR GOES TO THE V.A.

AND 10 CENTS OUT OF EVERY
PROFIT DOLLAR GOES TO THE V.A.
BECAUSE THAT'S THE SAFECO WAY!

PROFIT DOLLAR GOES TO THE V.A.
BECAUSE THAT'S THE SAFECO WAY!
HEY, SPEAKING OF SAFECO

BECAUSE THAT'S THE SAFECO WAY!
HEY, SPEAKING OF SAFECO
WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT?

HEY, SPEAKING OF SAFECO
WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT?
OUR INVENTORY MANAGER GOOFED

WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT?
OUR INVENTORY MANAGER GOOFED
AND ORDERED TOO MANY OF THE

OUR INVENTORY MANAGER GOOFED
AND ORDERED TOO MANY OF THE
PINK INVOICE FORMS.

AND ORDERED TOO MANY OF THE
PINK INVOICE FORMS.
SO WE GOTTA HAVE A GIANT

PINK INVOICE FORMS.
SO WE GOTTA HAVE A GIANT
INVENTORY LIQUIDATION SALE

SO WE GOTTA HAVE A GIANT
INVENTORY LIQUIDATION SALE
ALL THIS WEEKEND AT EVERY

INVENTORY LIQUIDATION SALE
ALL THIS WEEKEND AT EVERY
SAFECO SAVING CENTER FROM COAST

ALL THIS WEEKEND AT EVERY
SAFECO SAVING CENTER FROM COAST
TO COAST AND CANADA TO KANSAS.

SAFECO SAVING CENTER FROM COAST
TO COAST AND CANADA TO KANSAS.
WILL YOU TAKE A LOOK AT THIS?

TO COAST AND CANADA TO KANSAS.
WILL YOU TAKE A LOOK AT THIS?
BRAND NEW, STILL IN THE FACTORY

WILL YOU TAKE A LOOK AT THIS?
BRAND NEW, STILL IN THE FACTORY
CARTON... A NATIONAL BRAND

BRAND NEW, STILL IN THE FACTORY
CARTON... A NATIONAL BRAND
FOOD PROCESSOR.

CARTON... A NATIONAL BRAND
FOOD PROCESSOR.
IT'S RIGHT HERE.

FOOD PROCESSOR.
IT'S RIGHT HERE.
I'LL GET IT FOR YOU.

IT'S RIGHT HERE.
I'LL GET IT FOR YOU.
VERY MINOR BLADE LOOSENING

PROBLEMS... $27.77.
$27.77, YOU CAN'T BEAT IT,

$27.77, YOU CAN'T BEAT IT,
WE CAN'T REPEAT IT.

WE CAN'T REPEAT IT.
AND WITH IT, AS ALWAYS,

AND WITH IT, AS ALWAYS,
COMES THE FAMOUS SAVECO
GUARANTEE... IF YOU CAN FIND

COMES THE FAMOUS SAVECO
GUARANTEE... IF YOU CAN FIND
THE SAME PRODUCT ADVERTISED

GUARANTEE... IF YOU CAN FIND
THE SAME PRODUCT ADVERTISED
ANYWHERE AT ANYWHERE NEAR THE

THE SAME PRODUCT ADVERTISED
ANYWHERE AT ANYWHERE NEAR THE
SAVECO PRICE, WE'LL GET

ANYWHERE AT ANYWHERE NEAR THE
SAVECO PRICE, WE'LL GET
A TEMPORARY INJUNCTION

SAVECO PRICE, WE'LL GET
A TEMPORARY INJUNCTION
AGAINST THE OTHER STORE.

A TEMPORARY INJUNCTION
AGAINST THE OTHER STORE.
SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

AGAINST THE OTHER STORE.
SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
SAVECO IS EVERYWHERE.

SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
SAVECO IS EVERYWHERE.
THERE'S GOTTA BE ONE

SAVECO IS EVERYWHERE.
THERE'S GOTTA BE ONE
WITHIN THE SOUND OF MY VOICE.

THERE'S GOTTA BE ONE
WITHIN THE SOUND OF MY VOICE.
IF NOT, WRITE TO ME,

WITHIN THE SOUND OF MY VOICE.
IF NOT, WRITE TO ME,
I'LL TALK LOUDER.

IF NOT, WRITE TO ME,
I'LL TALK LOUDER.
WHATEVER IT IS YOU NEED.

I'LL TALK LOUDER.
WHATEVER IT IS YOU NEED.
HOUSE WARES, HOME APPLIANCES,

WHATEVER IT IS YOU NEED.
HOUSE WARES, HOME APPLIANCES,
COSMETICS, PHARMACEUTICALS,

HOUSE WARES, HOME APPLIANCES,
COSMETICS, PHARMACEUTICALS,
EVEN AUTOMOTIVE!

COSMETICS, PHARMACEUTICALS,
EVEN AUTOMOTIVE!
IF THEY MADE IT WRONG,

EVEN AUTOMOTIVE!
IF THEY MADE IT WRONG,
THE PRICE IS RIGHT...

IF THEY MADE IT WRONG,
THE PRICE IS RIGHT...
AT SAVECO!

THE PRICE IS RIGHT...
AT SAVECO!
[APPLAUSE]

WELL, I REALLY THINK WE
CAN'T WAIT ANY LONGER.
I'D LIKE TO THANK YOU ALL

CAN'T WAIT ANY LONGER.
I'D LIKE TO THANK YOU ALL
FOR COMING UP TO MY APARTMENT

I'D LIKE TO THANK YOU ALL
FOR COMING UP TO MY APARTMENT
TO HEAR WHAT I THINK MAY BE

FOR COMING UP TO MY APARTMENT
TO HEAR WHAT I THINK MAY BE
THE NEXT MAJOR ROCK MUSICAL

TO HEAR WHAT I THINK MAY BE
THE NEXT MAJOR ROCK MUSICAL
OF THE AMERICAN THEATER.

THE NEXT MAJOR ROCK MUSICAL
OF THE AMERICAN THEATER.
AND ON BEHALF OF THE NEW YORK

OF THE AMERICAN THEATER.
AND ON BEHALF OF THE NEW YORK
ADVANCE THEATER FOUNDATION

AND ON BEHALF OF THE NEW YORK
ADVANCE THEATER FOUNDATION
I'D LIKE TO WELCOME YOU ALL AS

ADVANCE THEATER FOUNDATION
I'D LIKE TO WELCOME YOU ALL AS
POTENTIAL INVESTORS IN THE SHOW.

I'D LIKE TO WELCOME YOU ALL AS
POTENTIAL INVESTORS IN THE SHOW.
WE HAVE SUPPORTED THESE TWO

POTENTIAL INVESTORS IN THE SHOW.
WE HAVE SUPPORTED THESE TWO
YOUNG, BRILLIANTLY TALENTED MEN

WE HAVE SUPPORTED THESE TWO
YOUNG, BRILLIANTLY TALENTED MEN
IN THE PAST SIX MONTHS AND NOW

YOUNG, BRILLIANTLY TALENTED MEN
IN THE PAST SIX MONTHS AND NOW
WE'RE ALL VERY HOPEFUL ABOUT

IN THE PAST SIX MONTHS AND NOW
WE'RE ALL VERY HOPEFUL ABOUT
THE FUTURE OF THIS,

WE'RE ALL VERY HOPEFUL ABOUT
THE FUTURE OF THIS,
THEIR LATEST SHOW.

THE FUTURE OF THIS,
THEIR LATEST SHOW.
WHICH IS CALLED WITH THE

THEIR LATEST SHOW.
WHICH IS CALLED WITH THE
SIMPLICITY OF GREAT ART-

WHICH IS CALLED WITH THE
SIMPLICITY OF GREAT ART-
"TWO MEN".

SIMPLICITY OF GREAT ART-
"TWO MEN".
PLEASE WELCOME THE NEXT GENIUSES

"TWO MEN".
PLEASE WELCOME THE NEXT GENIUSES
OF THE AMERICAN ROCK THEATER

PLEASE WELCOME THE NEXT GENIUSES
OF THE AMERICAN ROCK THEATER
TEDDY NADLER AND ANDREW MIZELL.

HAVE FUN.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
TWO MEN, AS THE TITLE IMPLIES,

THANK YOU SO MUCH.
TWO MEN, AS THE TITLE IMPLIES,
IS THE STORY OF TWO MEN.

TWO MEN, AS THE TITLE IMPLIES,
IS THE STORY OF TWO MEN.
BUT IT'S MUCH MORE.

IS THE STORY OF TWO MEN.
BUT IT'S MUCH MORE.
YES, IT'S A STORY AS OLD AS

BUT IT'S MUCH MORE.
YES, IT'S A STORY AS OLD AS
THE ROCK MUSICAL FORM ITSELF.

YES, IT'S A STORY AS OLD AS
THE ROCK MUSICAL FORM ITSELF.
THE STORY OF GOOD VS. EVIL.

THE ROCK MUSICAL FORM ITSELF.
THE STORY OF GOOD VS. EVIL.
OUR TWO MEN ACTUALLY LIVED

THE STORY OF GOOD VS. EVIL.
OUR TWO MEN ACTUALLY LIVED
AND IT'S FROM THEM

OUR TWO MEN ACTUALLY LIVED
AND IT'S FROM THEM
WE DRAW INSPIRATION.

AND IT'S FROM THEM
WE DRAW INSPIRATION.
ONE WAS JAY SEBRING...

WE DRAW INSPIRATION.
ONE WAS JAY SEBRING...
AT THE TIME THE BEST KNOWN

ONE WAS JAY SEBRING...
AT THE TIME THE BEST KNOWN
HAIRSTYLIST IN HOLLYWOOD.

AT THE TIME THE BEST KNOWN
HAIRSTYLIST IN HOLLYWOOD.
THE OTHER WAS CHARLES MANSON.

HAIRSTYLIST IN HOLLYWOOD.
THE OTHER WAS CHARLES MANSON.
'NUFF SAID.

THE OTHER WAS CHARLES MANSON.
'NUFF SAID.
NOW WE HAVE INVITED THESE

'NUFF SAID.
NOW WE HAVE INVITED THESE
THREE EXTREMELY TALENTED KIDS

NOW WE HAVE INVITED THESE
THREE EXTREMELY TALENTED KIDS
TO HELP US TONIGHT.

THREE EXTREMELY TALENTED KIDS
TO HELP US TONIGHT.
DANNY DARE.

TO HELP US TONIGHT.
DANNY DARE.
OVER ON THE END.

DANNY DARE.
OVER ON THE END.
KIND ENOUGH TO TAKE A NIGHT

OVER ON THE END.
KIND ENOUGH TO TAKE A NIGHT
OFF FROM HIS DUTIES AS

KIND ENOUGH TO TAKE A NIGHT
OFF FROM HIS DUTIES AS
ROBERT KLINE'S UNDERSTUDY IN

OFF FROM HIS DUTIES AS
ROBERT KLINE'S UNDERSTUDY IN
"THEY'RE PLAYING OUR SONG".

ROBERT KLINE'S UNDERSTUDY IN
"THEY'RE PLAYING OUR SONG".
MARJIE PENTELL HAS BEEN

"THEY'RE PLAYING OUR SONG".
MARJIE PENTELL HAS BEEN
WORKING DOWNTOWN AT THE WOMEN'S

MARJIE PENTELL HAS BEEN
WORKING DOWNTOWN AT THE WOMEN'S
COMMERCIAL THEATER COLLECTIVE.

WORKING DOWNTOWN AT THE WOMEN'S
COMMERCIAL THEATER COLLECTIVE.
AND MR. GREG DOBSON.

COMMERCIAL THEATER COLLECTIVE.
AND MR. GREG DOBSON.
REHEARSING FOR A BROADWAY

AND MR. GREG DOBSON.
REHEARSING FOR A BROADWAY
REVIVAL OF THE ALL BLACK

REHEARSING FOR A BROADWAY
REVIVAL OF THE ALL BLACK
VERSION OF "HELLO DOLLY".

REVIVAL OF THE ALL BLACK
VERSION OF "HELLO DOLLY".
OF COURSE, IN THE ACTUAL CASTING

VERSION OF "HELLO DOLLY".
OF COURSE, IN THE ACTUAL CASTING
WE GO FOR THE BIG NAMES.

OF COURSE, IN THE ACTUAL CASTING
WE GO FOR THE BIG NAMES.
OUR NARRATOR IS KIND OF AN

WE GO FOR THE BIG NAMES.
OUR NARRATOR IS KIND OF AN
EVERY MAN WHO SINGS THE STORY

OUR NARRATOR IS KIND OF AN
EVERY MAN WHO SINGS THE STORY
OF THE SHOW.

EVERY MAN WHO SINGS THE STORY
OF THE SHOW.
HE NARRATES THE SHOW IN SONG.

OF THE SHOW.
HE NARRATES THE SHOW IN SONG.
HE'S ANOTHER CHARACTER BASED ON

HE NARRATES THE SHOW IN SONG.
HE'S ANOTHER CHARACTER BASED ON
A PERSON WHO'S ACTUALLY LIVING...

HE'S ANOTHER CHARACTER BASED ON
A PERSON WHO'S ACTUALLY LIVING...
MEL TORME.

A PERSON WHO'S ACTUALLY LIVING...
MEL TORME.
HE'S ON STAGE IN LIMBO.

MEL TORME.
HE'S ON STAGE IN LIMBO.
HE SINGS THE OPENING SONG.

HE'S ON STAGE IN LIMBO.
HE SINGS THE OPENING SONG.
THE BALLAD OF "TWO MEN".

HE SINGS THE OPENING SONG.
THE BALLAD OF "TWO MEN".
♪ CHARLIE'S HEART WAS

THE BALLAD OF "TWO MEN".
♪ CHARLIE'S HEART WAS
EVIL DEAR ♪

♪ CHARLIE'S HEART WAS
EVIL DEAR ♪
♪ LIKE KNIEVEL, DEAR ♪

EVIL DEAR ♪
♪ LIKE KNIEVEL, DEAR ♪
♪ HE'D FLEE ♪

♪ LIKE KNIEVEL, DEAR ♪
♪ HE'D FLEE ♪
♪ BUT JAY, HE LOVED

♪ HE'D FLEE ♪
♪ BUT JAY, HE LOVED
TO BEAUTIFY ♪

♪ BUT JAY, HE LOVED
TO BEAUTIFY ♪
♪ SO EYE TO EYE

TO BEAUTIFY ♪
♪ SO EYE TO EYE
THEY'D NEVER SEE ♪

♪ SO EYE TO EYE
THEY'D NEVER SEE ♪
♪ THOSE TWO MEN ♪

THEY'D NEVER SEE ♪
♪ THOSE TWO MEN ♪
♪ TWO MEN ♪

♪ THOSE TWO MEN ♪
♪ TWO MEN ♪
♪ ONE DID HAIR IN HOLLYWOOD ♪

♪ TWO MEN ♪
♪ ONE DID HAIR IN HOLLYWOOD ♪
♪ TWO MEN ♪

♪ ONE DID HAIR IN HOLLYWOOD ♪
♪ TWO MEN ♪
♪ TWO MEN ♪

♪ TWO MEN ♪
♪ TWO MEN ♪
♪ BUT ONE WAS UP TO NO GOOD ♪

TELL ME, THOUGH...
DOES THIS MEAN THAT WE WOULD
HAVE TO GET MEL TORME

DOES THIS MEAN THAT WE WOULD
HAVE TO GET MEL TORME
FOR THE SHOW?

HAVE TO GET MEL TORME
FOR THE SHOW?
WELL, IT'S NOT SO MUCH

FOR THE SHOW?
WELL, IT'S NOT SO MUCH
MEL TORME, THE PERFORMER.

WELL, IT'S NOT SO MUCH
MEL TORME, THE PERFORMER.
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT MORE

MEL TORME, THE PERFORMER.
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT MORE
MEL TORME THE IDEA.

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT MORE
MEL TORME THE IDEA.
AH.

MEL TORME THE IDEA.
AH.
MEL WALKS OFF STAGE.

AH.
MEL WALKS OFF STAGE.
WE'RE IN JAY'S SALON.

MEL WALKS OFF STAGE.
WE'RE IN JAY'S SALON.
THIS IS WHERE MOST OF THE

WE'RE IN JAY'S SALON.
THIS IS WHERE MOST OF THE
ACTION OF THE SHOW TAKES PLACE.

THIS IS WHERE MOST OF THE
ACTION OF THE SHOW TAKES PLACE.
IT'S HOLLYWOOD'S MOST IN SALON.

ACTION OF THE SHOW TAKES PLACE.
IT'S HOLLYWOOD'S MOST IN SALON.
ALL THE CELEBRITIES HAVE

IT'S HOLLYWOOD'S MOST IN SALON.
ALL THE CELEBRITIES HAVE
THEIR HAIR DONE THERE.

ALL THE CELEBRITIES HAVE
THEIR HAIR DONE THERE.
THERE ARE PLANTS AND HANGINGS.

THEIR HAIR DONE THERE.
THERE ARE PLANTS AND HANGINGS.
AND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM

THERE ARE PLANTS AND HANGINGS.
AND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM
THERE'S A HUGE SINK.

AND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM
THERE'S A HUGE SINK.
IF YOU SAW THE BIG TOILET IN

THERE'S A HUGE SINK.
IF YOU SAW THE BIG TOILET IN
LENNY, IT'S AT LEAST THAT BIG.

IF YOU SAW THE BIG TOILET IN
LENNY, IT'S AT LEAST THAT BIG.
OKAY, IT'S ABOUT 8:00 AT

LENNY, IT'S AT LEAST THAT BIG.
OKAY, IT'S ABOUT 8:00 AT
NIGHT AND THE LAST CELEBRITY

OKAY, IT'S ABOUT 8:00 AT
NIGHT AND THE LAST CELEBRITY
HAS LEFT THE SALON

NIGHT AND THE LAST CELEBRITY
HAS LEFT THE SALON
AND JAY IS ALONE AT THE SINK.

HAS LEFT THE SALON
AND JAY IS ALONE AT THE SINK.
HE'S GETTING READY FOR

AND JAY IS ALONE AT THE SINK.
HE'S GETTING READY FOR
THE BIG PARTY, HE'S GETTING

HE'S GETTING READY FOR
THE BIG PARTY, HE'S GETTING
DRESSED, AND AN IRONIC TOUCH

THE BIG PARTY, HE'S GETTING
DRESSED, AND AN IRONIC TOUCH
HERE... HE'S FIXING HIS OWN

DRESSED, AND AN IRONIC TOUCH
HERE... HE'S FIXING HIS OWN
HAIR AND HE SINGS A SONG ABOUT

HERE... HE'S FIXING HIS OWN
HAIR AND HE SINGS A SONG ABOUT
THE EMOTIONAL TURMOIL THAT

HAIR AND HE SINGS A SONG ABOUT
THE EMOTIONAL TURMOIL THAT
HE'S GOING THROUGH CALLED,

THE EMOTIONAL TURMOIL THAT
HE'S GOING THROUGH CALLED,
"BURGLAR OF LOVE".

♪ WHAT IS THIS PASSION
THAT BINDS ME? ♪
♪ IT KEEPS ALL MY LOVERS

THAT BINDS ME? ♪
♪ IT KEEPS ALL MY LOVERS
BEHIND ME ♪

♪ IT KEEPS ALL MY LOVERS
BEHIND ME ♪
♪ WHEN WAS IT PUSH

BEHIND ME ♪
♪ WHEN WAS IT PUSH
CAME TO SHOVE ♪

♪ WHEN WAS IT PUSH
CAME TO SHOVE ♪
♪ MADE ME A BURGLAR OF LOVE ♪

CAME TO SHOVE ♪
♪ MADE ME A BURGLAR OF LOVE ♪
♪ WHY CAN'T I FALL IN LOVE

♪ MADE ME A BURGLAR OF LOVE ♪
♪ WHY CAN'T I FALL IN LOVE
LIKE ANY OTHER MAN? ♪

♪ WHY CAN'T I FALL IN LOVE
LIKE ANY OTHER MAN? ♪
♪ WHERE DO I GO TO FIND OUT

LIKE ANY OTHER MAN? ♪
♪ WHERE DO I GO TO FIND OUT
WHO I REALLY AM? ♪

♪ WHERE DO I GO TO FIND OUT
WHO I REALLY AM? ♪
♪ WHEN WILL THIS STRANGE

WHO I REALLY AM? ♪
♪ WHEN WILL THIS STRANGE
TORMENT CEASE? ♪

♪ WHEN WILL THIS STRANGE
TORMENT CEASE? ♪
♪ WHY CAN'T I BURGLE IN PEACE? ♪

TORMENT CEASE? ♪
♪ WHY CAN'T I BURGLE IN PEACE? ♪
♪ WHY MUST YOU CALL

♪ WHY CAN'T I BURGLE IN PEACE? ♪
♪ WHY MUST YOU CALL
THE POLICE? ♪

♪ WHY MUST YOU CALL
THE POLICE? ♪
♪ I'M JUST A BURGLAR ♪

THE POLICE? ♪
♪ I'M JUST A BURGLAR ♪
♪ DON'T LET ME BE

♪ I'M JUST A BURGLAR ♪
♪ DON'T LET ME BE
JUST A BURGLAR ♪

♪ DON'T LET ME BE
JUST A BURGLAR ♪
♪ I'M JUST A BURGLAR OF LOVE ♪

JUST A BURGLAR ♪
♪ I'M JUST A BURGLAR OF LOVE ♪
♪ TO BURGLE MY LOVE ♪

♪ I'M JUST A BURGLAR OF LOVE ♪
♪ TO BURGLE MY LOVE ♪
[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

EXCUSE ME JUST FOR A SECOND,
FELLOWS, BUT IS "BURGLE"
A REAL WORD?

FELLOWS, BUT IS "BURGLE"
A REAL WORD?
NOT SURE ABOUT THAT.

A REAL WORD?
NOT SURE ABOUT THAT.
WE'LL LOOK IT UP,

NOT SURE ABOUT THAT.
WE'LL LOOK IT UP,
WE'LL LOOK IT UP.

WE'LL LOOK IT UP,
WE'LL LOOK IT UP.
OKAY, NOW WE GO A LITTLE

WE'LL LOOK IT UP.
OKAY, NOW WE GO A LITTLE
EXPERIMENTAL HERE.

OKAY, NOW WE GO A LITTLE
EXPERIMENTAL HERE.
JUDY GARLAND'S DAUGHTER,

EXPERIMENTAL HERE.
JUDY GARLAND'S DAUGHTER,
LORNA LUFT, MEETS AND

JUDY GARLAND'S DAUGHTER,
LORNA LUFT, MEETS AND
FALLS IN LOVE WITH JAY.

LORNA LUFT, MEETS AND
FALLS IN LOVE WITH JAY.
THROUGH A SERIES OF SLIDING

FALLS IN LOVE WITH JAY.
THROUGH A SERIES OF SLIDING
PARTITIONS, ROTATING STAGE

THROUGH A SERIES OF SLIDING
PARTITIONS, ROTATING STAGE
PLATFORMS, PROBABLY SOME LASERS,

PARTITIONS, ROTATING STAGE
PLATFORMS, PROBABLY SOME LASERS,
WE'RE NOW IN JAY'S APARTMENT.

PLATFORMS, PROBABLY SOME LASERS,
WE'RE NOW IN JAY'S APARTMENT.
REMEMBER, WE NEVER LOSE

WE'RE NOW IN JAY'S APARTMENT.
REMEMBER, WE NEVER LOSE
THE BIG SINK IN THE BACKGROUND.

REMEMBER, WE NEVER LOSE
THE BIG SINK IN THE BACKGROUND.
THAT ALWAYS THERE, ALL THE TIME.

THE BIG SINK IN THE BACKGROUND.
THAT ALWAYS THERE, ALL THE TIME.
OKAY, LORNA WANTS TO SETTLE

THAT ALWAYS THERE, ALL THE TIME.
OKAY, LORNA WANTS TO SETTLE
DOWN, HAVE A MEANINGFUL

OKAY, LORNA WANTS TO SETTLE
DOWN, HAVE A MEANINGFUL
RELATIONSHIP.

DOWN, HAVE A MEANINGFUL
RELATIONSHIP.
JAY WANTS TO SUCCEED

RELATIONSHIP.
JAY WANTS TO SUCCEED
IN HOLLYWOOD.

JAY WANTS TO SUCCEED
IN HOLLYWOOD.
THEY SING A DUET CALLED,

IN HOLLYWOOD.
THEY SING A DUET CALLED,
"YOU DON'T STAY HOME /

THEY SING A DUET CALLED,
"YOU DON'T STAY HOME /
I WANNA GO OUT".

♪ YOU DON'T STAY HOME ♪
♪ COME WHAT MAY HOME ♪
♪ HIP HOORAY

♪ COME WHAT MAY HOME ♪
♪ HIP HOORAY
HOME'S WHERE I'LL BE ♪

♪ HIP HOORAY
HOME'S WHERE I'LL BE ♪
♪ I WANNA GO OUT ♪

HOME'S WHERE I'LL BE ♪
♪ I WANNA GO OUT ♪
♪ WHERE ALL THE LIGHTS

♪ I WANNA GO OUT ♪
♪ WHERE ALL THE LIGHTS
ARE BRIGHT ♪

♪ WHERE ALL THE LIGHTS
ARE BRIGHT ♪
♪ I WANNA GO OUT

ARE BRIGHT ♪
♪ I WANNA GO OUT
AND DO MY THING TONIGHT ♪

♪ I WANNA GO OUT
AND DO MY THING TONIGHT ♪
♪ I NEED TO PARTY

AND DO MY THING TONIGHT ♪
♪ I NEED TO PARTY
WITH PEOPLE I DIG ♪

♪ I NEED TO PARTY
WITH PEOPLE I DIG ♪
♪ IMPORTANT PEOPLE ♪

WITH PEOPLE I DIG ♪
♪ IMPORTANT PEOPLE ♪
♪ I GOTTA THINK BIG ♪

♪ IMPORTANT PEOPLE ♪
♪ I GOTTA THINK BIG ♪
♪ GOT TO GO DISCO ♪

♪ I GOTTA THINK BIG ♪
♪ GOT TO GO DISCO ♪
♪ GOT TO GO DISCO, BYE BYE ♪

♪ GOT TO GO DISCO ♪
♪ GOT TO GO DISCO, BYE BYE ♪
♪ [OVERLAPPING SINGING] ♪

LISTEN, FELLAS, YOU DON'T
MIND THAT I ASK THESE QUESTIONS
JUST TO CLARIFY FOR EVERYONE...

MIND THAT I ASK THESE QUESTIONS
JUST TO CLARIFY FOR EVERYONE...
WE SHOULD JUST MAKE IT

JUST TO CLARIFY FOR EVERYONE...
WE SHOULD JUST MAKE IT
CLEAR... JAY GOES TO THE PARTY,

WE SHOULD JUST MAKE IT
CLEAR... JAY GOES TO THE PARTY,
LORNA STAYS HOME.

CLEAR... JAY GOES TO THE PARTY,
LORNA STAYS HOME.
YES, BUT THE QUESTION THAT I

LORNA STAYS HOME.
YES, BUT THE QUESTION THAT I
WANTED... I PRESUME THAT HERE WE

YES, BUT THE QUESTION THAT I
WANTED... I PRESUME THAT HERE WE
ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT THE REAL

WANTED... I PRESUME THAT HERE WE
ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT THE REAL
LORNA LUFT, YOU KNOW, MONEY?

ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT THE REAL
LORNA LUFT, YOU KNOW, MONEY?
WELL, IT'D BE GREAT IF WE

LORNA LUFT, YOU KNOW, MONEY?
WELL, IT'D BE GREAT IF WE
COULD GET HER BUT THE BASIC

WELL, IT'D BE GREAT IF WE
COULD GET HER BUT THE BASIC
POINT HERE IS JUST THE IDEA OF

COULD GET HER BUT THE BASIC
POINT HERE IS JUST THE IDEA OF
SOMEBODY WHO'S LIZA'S SISTER.

POINT HERE IS JUST THE IDEA OF
SOMEBODY WHO'S LIZA'S SISTER.
AH.

SOMEBODY WHO'S LIZA'S SISTER.
AH.
OKAY, ALL OF A SUDDEN,

AH.
OKAY, ALL OF A SUDDEN,
IN LIMBO, WE MEET CHARLIE

OKAY, ALL OF A SUDDEN,
IN LIMBO, WE MEET CHARLIE
AND HIS GIRLS IN THE DESERT.

IN LIMBO, WE MEET CHARLIE
AND HIS GIRLS IN THE DESERT.
THEY HAVE JUST SPENT A WEEK

AND HIS GIRLS IN THE DESERT.
THEY HAVE JUST SPENT A WEEK
LISTENING TO THE BEATLES WHITE

THEY HAVE JUST SPENT A WEEK
LISTENING TO THE BEATLES WHITE
ALBUM ABOUT 150 TIMES AND

LISTENING TO THE BEATLES WHITE
ALBUM ABOUT 150 TIMES AND
CHARLIE HAS REALIZED THAT THERE

ALBUM ABOUT 150 TIMES AND
CHARLIE HAS REALIZED THAT THERE
IS A SECRET MESSAGE FOR HIM

CHARLIE HAS REALIZED THAT THERE
IS A SECRET MESSAGE FOR HIM
IN THE SONG, "REVOLUTION #9".

IS A SECRET MESSAGE FOR HIM
IN THE SONG, "REVOLUTION #9".
THIS IS ALL TRUE, BY THE WAY.

IN THE SONG, "REVOLUTION #9".
THIS IS ALL TRUE, BY THE WAY.
IT'S ALL COVERED IN THE

THIS IS ALL TRUE, BY THE WAY.
IT'S ALL COVERED IN THE
BUGLIOSI BOOK.

IT'S ALL COVERED IN THE
BUGLIOSI BOOK.
NOW, CHARLIE SINGS

BUGLIOSI BOOK.
NOW, CHARLIE SINGS
THIS SONG, "NINE".

NOW, CHARLIE SINGS
THIS SONG, "NINE".
IT'S KIND OF A SPECIAL

THIS SONG, "NINE".
IT'S KIND OF A SPECIAL
LITTLE STORY ATTACHED TO IT

IT'S KIND OF A SPECIAL
LITTLE STORY ATTACHED TO IT
BECAUSE IT'S WRITTEN

LITTLE STORY ATTACHED TO IT
BECAUSE IT'S WRITTEN
IN 9/4 TIME.

BECAUSE IT'S WRITTEN
IN 9/4 TIME.
YOU MAY REMEMBER WE

IN 9/4 TIME.
YOU MAY REMEMBER WE
USED THAT IN TOMMY ON ICE.

YOU MAY REMEMBER WE
USED THAT IN TOMMY ON ICE.
SONG CALLED, "NINE".

USED THAT IN TOMMY ON ICE.
SONG CALLED, "NINE".
9/4 TIME.

♪ HOW MANY FINGERS WOULD YOU
HAVE IF YOU LOST ONE? ♪
♪ NINE ♪

HAVE IF YOU LOST ONE? ♪
♪ NINE ♪
♪ HOW MANY PLAYERS

♪ NINE ♪
♪ HOW MANY PLAYERS
ARE ON A BASEBALL TEAM? ♪

♪ HOW MANY PLAYERS
ARE ON A BASEBALL TEAM? ♪
♪ NINE ♪

ARE ON A BASEBALL TEAM? ♪
♪ NINE ♪
♪ IT'S NUMBER NINE ♪

♪ NINE ♪
♪ IT'S NUMBER NINE ♪
♪ IT'S COMING YOUR WAY

♪ IT'S NUMBER NINE ♪
♪ IT'S COMING YOUR WAY
AND IT'S NOT GONNA BE GOOD ♪

♪ IT'S COMING YOUR WAY
AND IT'S NOT GONNA BE GOOD ♪
♪ NEGROES WILL RIOT ♪

AND IT'S NOT GONNA BE GOOD ♪
♪ NEGROES WILL RIOT ♪
♪ WHITE PEOPLE WILL RIOT ♪

♪ NEGROES WILL RIOT ♪
♪ WHITE PEOPLE WILL RIOT ♪
♪ EVERYBODY WILL RIOT ♪

♪ WHITE PEOPLE WILL RIOT ♪
♪ EVERYBODY WILL RIOT ♪
♪ NUMBER NINE ♪

♪ EVERYBODY WILL RIOT ♪
♪ NUMBER NINE ♪
♪ NUMBER NINE ♪

♪ NUMBER NINE ♪
♪ NUMBER NINE ♪
♪ NUMBER NINE ♪

THE STAGE GOES BLACK.
Woman: BRAVO, BRAVO!
WE'RE AT THE PARTY WITH JAY.

Woman: BRAVO, BRAVO!
WE'RE AT THE PARTY WITH JAY.
THERE'S A LOT OF LIGHTS

WE'RE AT THE PARTY WITH JAY.
THERE'S A LOT OF LIGHTS
AND SOME LASERS.

THERE'S A LOT OF LIGHTS
AND SOME LASERS.
SUDDENLY, THE LIGHTS GO OUT.

AND SOME LASERS.
SUDDENLY, THE LIGHTS GO OUT.
THE MUSIC STOPS AND A SINGLE

SUDDENLY, THE LIGHTS GO OUT.
THE MUSIC STOPS AND A SINGLE
SPOTLIGHT FOCUSES ON JAY

THE MUSIC STOPS AND A SINGLE
SPOTLIGHT FOCUSES ON JAY
MEETING CHARLIE.

SPOTLIGHT FOCUSES ON JAY
MEETING CHARLIE.
JAY SAYS:

MEETING CHARLIE.
JAY SAYS:
HI.

JAY SAYS:
HI.
Teddy: CHARLIE SAYS:

HI.
Teddy: CHARLIE SAYS:
NICE TO MEET YOU.

Teddy: CHARLIE SAYS:
NICE TO MEET YOU.
ENTIRE STAGE GOES BLACK.

NICE TO MEET YOU.
ENTIRE STAGE GOES BLACK.
YOU DON'T ' SEE ANYTHING.

ENTIRE STAGE GOES BLACK.
YOU DON'T ' SEE ANYTHING.
YOU JUST HEAR MEL TORME SINGING

YOU DON'T ' SEE ANYTHING.
YOU JUST HEAR MEL TORME SINGING
A REPRISE OF "TWO MEN".

YOU JUST HEAR MEL TORME SINGING
A REPRISE OF "TWO MEN".
THIS TIME WITH THE LYRICS

A REPRISE OF "TWO MEN".
THIS TIME WITH THE LYRICS
THAT COVER THE WHOLE HELTER

THIS TIME WITH THE LYRICS
THAT COVER THE WHOLE HELTER
SKELTER THING.

THAT COVER THE WHOLE HELTER
SKELTER THING.
SEE, THIS IS HOW WE GET

SKELTER THING.
SEE, THIS IS HOW WE GET
AROUND THAT BAD TASTE QUESTION.

SEE, THIS IS HOW WE GET
AROUND THAT BAD TASTE QUESTION.
JAY PASSES ON.

AROUND THAT BAD TASTE QUESTION.
JAY PASSES ON.
EVIL SEEMS TO HAVE WON

JAY PASSES ON.
EVIL SEEMS TO HAVE WON
OUT OVER GOOD.

EVIL SEEMS TO HAVE WON
OUT OVER GOOD.
AND THE NEXT THING WE SEE

OUT OVER GOOD.
AND THE NEXT THING WE SEE
IS THE SINK ON A DESERTED STAGE.

AND THE NEXT THING WE SEE
IS THE SINK ON A DESERTED STAGE.
LORNA, DRESSED IN BLACK,

IS THE SINK ON A DESERTED STAGE.
LORNA, DRESSED IN BLACK,
GOES TO THE SINK AND

LORNA, DRESSED IN BLACK,
GOES TO THE SINK AND
SINGS THIS SONG.

♪ THERE'S A HOLE
IN MY HEART
WHERE A MAN WAS ♪

IN MY HEART
WHERE A MAN WAS ♪
♪ EXCUSE ME FOR LIVING

WHERE A MAN WAS ♪
♪ EXCUSE ME FOR LIVING
BUT I CARE ♪

♪ EXCUSE ME FOR LIVING
BUT I CARE ♪
♪ I GOT NO ONE BESIDE ME

BUT I CARE ♪
♪ I GOT NO ONE BESIDE ME
TO LOVE AND TO GUIDE ME ♪

♪ I GOT NO ONE BESIDE ME
TO LOVE AND TO GUIDE ME ♪
♪ AND WHO'S GONNA DO MY HAIR? ♪

TO LOVE AND TO GUIDE ME ♪
♪ AND WHO'S GONNA DO MY HAIR? ♪
♪ I CAN'T GO ON

♪ AND WHO'S GONNA DO MY HAIR? ♪
♪ I CAN'T GO ON
NOW THAT HE'S GONE ♪

♪ I CAN'T GO ON
NOW THAT HE'S GONE ♪
♪ HEY, WHAT'S HAPPENING

NOW THAT HE'S GONE ♪
♪ HEY, WHAT'S HAPPENING
WITH THE SINK ♪

♪ HEY, WHAT'S HAPPENING
WITH THE SINK ♪
AT THIS POINT, THE SINK

WITH THE SINK ♪
AT THIS POINT, THE SINK
IS BATHED IN A BRILLIANT

AT THIS POINT, THE SINK
IS BATHED IN A BRILLIANT
WHITE LIGHT.

IS BATHED IN A BRILLIANT
WHITE LIGHT.
JAY RISES UP OUT OF THE SINK

WHITE LIGHT.
JAY RISES UP OUT OF THE SINK
REBORN.

JAY RISES UP OUT OF THE SINK
REBORN.
GOOD TRIUMPHS OVER EVIL.

REBORN.
GOOD TRIUMPHS OVER EVIL.
AND JAY JOINS LORNA FOR THE

GOOD TRIUMPHS OVER EVIL.
AND JAY JOINS LORNA FOR THE
FINALE, WITH A COUNTER-OBBLIGATO

AND JAY JOINS LORNA FOR THE
FINALE, WITH A COUNTER-OBBLIGATO
FROM MEL TORME.

FINALE, WITH A COUNTER-OBBLIGATO
FROM MEL TORME.
♪ THERE'S A MAN IN YOUR HEART

FROM MEL TORME.
♪ THERE'S A MAN IN YOUR HEART
WHERE THE HOLE WAS ♪

♪ THERE'S A MAN IN YOUR HEART
WHERE THE HOLE WAS ♪
♪ I'M BACK WITH THE LIVING

WHERE THE HOLE WAS ♪
♪ I'M BACK WITH THE LIVING
AND I CARE ♪

♪ I'M BACK WITH THE LIVING
AND I CARE ♪
♪ NOW I GOT YOU BESIDE ME

AND I CARE ♪
♪ NOW I GOT YOU BESIDE ME
TO LOVE AND TO GUIDE ME ♪

♪ NOW I GOT YOU BESIDE ME
TO LOVE AND TO GUIDE ME ♪
♪ AND I'LL ALWAYS DO ♪

TO LOVE AND TO GUIDE ME ♪
♪ AND I'LL ALWAYS DO ♪
♪ YES, YOU'LL ALWAYS DO ♪

♪ AND I'LL ALWAYS DO ♪
♪ YES, YOU'LL ALWAYS DO ♪
♪ YES, YOU'LL ALWAYS DO

♪ YES, YOU'LL ALWAYS DO ♪
♪ YES, YOU'LL ALWAYS DO
MY HAIR ♪

OH, WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL.
I LOVED THE WAY YOU KEYED IN
ON THE WORD HAIR AT THE END.

I LOVED THE WAY YOU KEYED IN
ON THE WORD HAIR AT THE END.
WELL, GOD WILLING, WE HAVE

ON THE WORD HAIR AT THE END.
WELL, GOD WILLING, WE HAVE
ANOTHER "HAIR" ON OUR HANDS.

WELL, GOD WILLING, WE HAVE
ANOTHER "HAIR" ON OUR HANDS.
I'M SURE THAT YOU ALL SHARE MY

ANOTHER "HAIR" ON OUR HANDS.
I'M SURE THAT YOU ALL SHARE MY
FEELINGS THAT THIS IS GOING

I'M SURE THAT YOU ALL SHARE MY
FEELINGS THAT THIS IS GOING
TO BE THE MAJOR THEATRICAL

FEELINGS THAT THIS IS GOING
TO BE THE MAJOR THEATRICAL
HIT OF THE EIGHTIES.

TO BE THE MAJOR THEATRICAL
HIT OF THE EIGHTIES.
SO WHY DON'T WE GET OUT OUR

HIT OF THE EIGHTIES.
SO WHY DON'T WE GET OUT OUR
CHECKBOOKS AND TALK ABOUT IT

SO WHY DON'T WE GET OUT OUR
CHECKBOOKS AND TALK ABOUT IT
OVER CAKE?

CHECKBOOKS AND TALK ABOUT IT
OVER CAKE?
FABULOUS IDEA.

OVER CAKE?
FABULOUS IDEA.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]
Mr. Bill: OH BOY, WE'RE GONNA
HAVE FUN TODAY 'CAUSE WE'RE ALL

Mr. Bill: OH BOY, WE'RE GONNA
HAVE FUN TODAY 'CAUSE WE'RE ALL
GONNA BUILD THE NEW HOUSE.

HAVE FUN TODAY 'CAUSE WE'RE ALL
GONNA BUILD THE NEW HOUSE.
YAY!

GONNA BUILD THE NEW HOUSE.
YAY!
YOU KNOW I HAD A LITTLE ACCIDENT

YAY!
YOU KNOW I HAD A LITTLE ACCIDENT
LAST WEEK... MY HOUSE BURNED DOWN

YOU KNOW I HAD A LITTLE ACCIDENT
LAST WEEK... MY HOUSE BURNED DOWN
BUT DON'T WORRY 'CAUSE MY

LAST WEEK... MY HOUSE BURNED DOWN
BUT DON'T WORRY 'CAUSE MY
INSURANCE COMPANY IS GONNA

BUT DON'T WORRY 'CAUSE MY
INSURANCE COMPANY IS GONNA
PAY FOR EVERYTHING, YAY!

INSURANCE COMPANY IS GONNA
PAY FOR EVERYTHING, YAY!
SO, IN THE MEANTIME,

PAY FOR EVERYTHING, YAY!
SO, IN THE MEANTIME,
ME AND SPOT AND MISS SALLY

SO, IN THE MEANTIME,
ME AND SPOT AND MISS SALLY
ARE ALL GONNA STAY IN THIS

ME AND SPOT AND MISS SALLY
ARE ALL GONNA STAY IN THIS
BEAUTIFUL, NEW TRAILER.

ARE ALL GONNA STAY IN THIS
BEAUTIFUL, NEW TRAILER.
OH, YAY... UH-OH.

BEAUTIFUL, NEW TRAILER.
OH, YAY... UH-OH.
Mr. Hands: SAY, MR. BILL.

OH, YAY... UH-OH.
Mr. Hands: SAY, MR. BILL.
THE INSURANCE COMPANY CONTRACTED

Mr. Hands: SAY, MR. BILL.
THE INSURANCE COMPANY CONTRACTED
ME TO BUILD YOUR NEW HOUSE.

THE INSURANCE COMPANY CONTRACTED
ME TO BUILD YOUR NEW HOUSE.
ISN'T THAT GREAT?

ME TO BUILD YOUR NEW HOUSE.
ISN'T THAT GREAT?
UH, NO, THAT'S OKAY,

ISN'T THAT GREAT?
UH, NO, THAT'S OKAY,
I'LL DO IT MYSELF.

UH, NO, THAT'S OKAY,
I'LL DO IT MYSELF.
Mr. Hands: THEN YOU CAN

I'LL DO IT MYSELF.
Mr. Hands: THEN YOU CAN
HELP ME THEN.

Mr. Hands: THEN YOU CAN
HELP ME THEN.
SAY, I'LL GIVE YOU A LIFT OVER

HELP ME THEN.
SAY, I'LL GIVE YOU A LIFT OVER
TO THE CONSTRUCTION SITE.

SAY, I'LL GIVE YOU A LIFT OVER
TO THE CONSTRUCTION SITE.
Mr. Bill: OH, COME ON,

TO THE CONSTRUCTION SITE.
Mr. Bill: OH, COME ON,
MR. HANDS, WHY DON'T YOU

Mr. Bill: OH, COME ON,
MR. HANDS, WHY DON'T YOU
LEAVE US ALONE?

MR. HANDS, WHY DON'T YOU
LEAVE US ALONE?
YOU KNOW, IF IT WEREN'T FOR YOU

LEAVE US ALONE?
YOU KNOW, IF IT WEREN'T FOR YOU
WE WOULDN'T NEED A NEW HOUSE

YOU KNOW, IF IT WEREN'T FOR YOU
WE WOULDN'T NEED A NEW HOUSE
ANYWAY, HUH, SO LEAVE US ALONE.

WE WOULDN'T NEED A NEW HOUSE
ANYWAY, HUH, SO LEAVE US ALONE.
Mr. Hands: DON'T WORRY.

ANYWAY, HUH, SO LEAVE US ALONE.
Mr. Hands: DON'T WORRY.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING.

Mr. Hands: DON'T WORRY.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING.
OFF WE GO!

I'LL TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING.
OFF WE GO!
Mr. Bill: NO, WAIT, NO,

OFF WE GO!
Mr. Bill: NO, WAIT, NO,
SPOT, NO, OHH!

Mr. Hands: WELL, HERE WE ARE
AT THE CONSTRUCTION SITE.
SAY, MR. BILL, WHY DON'T YOU

AT THE CONSTRUCTION SITE.
SAY, MR. BILL, WHY DON'T YOU
STAND IN THE SPOT WHERE

SAY, MR. BILL, WHY DON'T YOU
STAND IN THE SPOT WHERE
YOUR NEW LIVING ROOM WILL BE?

STAND IN THE SPOT WHERE
YOUR NEW LIVING ROOM WILL BE?
Mr. Bill: NO, I DON'T WANT

YOUR NEW LIVING ROOM WILL BE?
Mr. Bill: NO, I DON'T WANT
TO, I RATHER GO BACK TO

Mr. Bill: NO, I DON'T WANT
TO, I RATHER GO BACK TO
THE TRAILER PARK.

TO, I RATHER GO BACK TO
THE TRAILER PARK.
LEAVE ME ALONE.

THE TRAILER PARK.
LEAVE ME ALONE.
Mr. Hands: OKAY, NOW FIRST

LEAVE ME ALONE.
Mr. Hands: OKAY, NOW FIRST
WE'LL NEED PLENTY OF BRICKS.

Mr. Hands: OKAY, NOW FIRST
WE'LL NEED PLENTY OF BRICKS.
Mr. Bill: NO, WAIT.

WE'LL NEED PLENTY OF BRICKS.
Mr. Bill: NO, WAIT.
MISS SALLY'S UNDERNEATH THERE.

Mr. Bill: NO, WAIT.
MISS SALLY'S UNDERNEATH THERE.
DON'T, WAIT, STOP, NO, OHH!

MISS SALLY'S UNDERNEATH THERE.
DON'T, WAIT, STOP, NO, OHH!
POOR MISS SALLY!

DON'T, WAIT, STOP, NO, OHH!
POOR MISS SALLY!
Mr. Hands: AND NOW FOR

POOR MISS SALLY!
Mr. Hands: AND NOW FOR
THE FOUNDATION.

Mr. Hands: AND NOW FOR
THE FOUNDATION.
Mr. Bill: NO, WAIT, NO,

THE FOUNDATION.
Mr. Bill: NO, WAIT, NO,
GET ME OUTTA HERE, NO, WAIT,

Mr. Bill: NO, WAIT, NO,
GET ME OUTTA HERE, NO, WAIT,
OHHH!

GET ME OUTTA HERE, NO, WAIT,
OHHH!
I'M STUCK, GET ME OUT!

OHHH!
I'M STUCK, GET ME OUT!
Mr. Hands: OH, OKAY,

I'M STUCK, GET ME OUT!
Mr. Hands: OH, OKAY,
I'LL GET YOU OUT.

Mr. Hands: OH, OKAY,
I'LL GET YOU OUT.
THERE YOU GO.

I'LL GET YOU OUT.
THERE YOU GO.
SAY, THANKS FOR HOLDING MY NAIL,

THERE YOU GO.
SAY, THANKS FOR HOLDING MY NAIL,
MR. BILL.

SAY, THANKS FOR HOLDING MY NAIL,
MR. BILL.
Mr. Bill: OHHH!

MR. BILL.
Mr. Bill: OHHH!
Mr. Hands: SAY, MR. BILL,

Mr. Bill: OHHH!
Mr. Hands: SAY, MR. BILL,
COULD YOU STEADY THIS BOARD

Mr. Hands: SAY, MR. BILL,
COULD YOU STEADY THIS BOARD
FOR ME WHILE I DRILL SOME

COULD YOU STEADY THIS BOARD
FOR ME WHILE I DRILL SOME
HOLES IN IT, HUH?

FOR ME WHILE I DRILL SOME
HOLES IN IT, HUH?
Mr. Bill: NO, YOU JUST WANNA

HOLES IN IT, HUH?
Mr. Bill: NO, YOU JUST WANNA
BE MEAN TO ME, STOP, NO, WAIT!

Mr. Bill: NO, YOU JUST WANNA
BE MEAN TO ME, STOP, NO, WAIT!
Mr. Hands: HOLD IT FIRMLY.

BE MEAN TO ME, STOP, NO, WAIT!
Mr. Hands: HOLD IT FIRMLY.
Mr. Bill: NO, WAIT, NO, OHH!

Mr. Hands: HOLD IT FIRMLY.
Mr. Bill: NO, WAIT, NO, OHH!
Mr. Hands: AH, THERE, SO HOW

Mr. Bill: NO, WAIT, NO, OHH!
Mr. Hands: AH, THERE, SO HOW
DO YOU LIKE IT, MR. BILL?

Mr. Hands: AH, THERE, SO HOW
DO YOU LIKE IT, MR. BILL?
Mr. Bill: I DON'T LIKE IT.

DO YOU LIKE IT, MR. BILL?
Mr. Bill: I DON'T LIKE IT.
Mr. Hands: BUT IT'S YOUR

Mr. Bill: I DON'T LIKE IT.
Mr. Hands: BUT IT'S YOUR
NEW HOME.

Mr. Hands: BUT IT'S YOUR
NEW HOME.
OH, GEE, THE INSURANCE AGENT

NEW HOME.
OH, GEE, THE INSURANCE AGENT
STOPPED BY... HEY!

OH, GEE, THE INSURANCE AGENT
STOPPED BY... HEY!
Mr. Bill: OH, NO, HE'S GONNA

STOPPED BY... HEY!
Mr. Bill: OH, NO, HE'S GONNA
BE MEAN TO ME!

Mr. Bill: OH, NO, HE'S GONNA
BE MEAN TO ME!
Mr. Hands: OH, HE SAYS THE

BE MEAN TO ME!
Mr. Hands: OH, HE SAYS THE
INSURANCE COMPANY ISN'T

Mr. Hands: OH, HE SAYS THE
INSURANCE COMPANY ISN'T
GONNA PAY A CENT.

INSURANCE COMPANY ISN'T
GONNA PAY A CENT.
Mr. Bill: BUT I HAVE A

GONNA PAY A CENT.
Mr. Bill: BUT I HAVE A
POLICY.

Mr. Bill: BUT I HAVE A
POLICY.
Mr. Hands: GEE, MR. BILL,

POLICY.
Mr. Hands: GEE, MR. BILL,
I GUESS YOU DIDN'T READ

Mr. Hands: GEE, MR. BILL,
I GUESS YOU DIDN'T READ
THE FINE PRINT.

I GUESS YOU DIDN'T READ
THE FINE PRINT.
Mr. Bill: OH, NO!

THE FINE PRINT.
Mr. Bill: OH, NO!
Mr. Hands: HE SAYS IT'LL

Mr. Bill: OH, NO!
Mr. Hands: HE SAYS IT'LL
HAVE TO BE DESTROYED.

Mr. Hands: HE SAYS IT'LL
HAVE TO BE DESTROYED.
SEE YA NEXT TIME, BYE BYE.

HAVE TO BE DESTROYED.
SEE YA NEXT TIME, BYE BYE.
[APPLAUSE]

Announcer: THE BEATLES WERE
THE GREATEST AND NOW YOU CAN
HEAR THE BEST OF THE NEW WAVE OF

THE GREATEST AND NOW YOU CAN
HEAR THE BEST OF THE NEW WAVE OF
IMITATORS... LIKE THE BEATLES,

HEAR THE BEST OF THE NEW WAVE OF
IMITATORS... LIKE THE BEATLES,
BUT THIS TIME THEY'RE CUBAN!

IMITATORS... LIKE THE BEATLES,
BUT THIS TIME THEY'RE CUBAN!
LOS BEATALOS CUBANOS.

BUT THIS TIME THEY'RE CUBAN!
LOS BEATALOS CUBANOS.
AVAILABLE NOW IN A LIMITED

LOS BEATALOS CUBANOS.
AVAILABLE NOW IN A LIMITED
RECORD OFFER!

AVAILABLE NOW IN A LIMITED
RECORD OFFER!
♪ SO FAR AWAY ♪

RECORD OFFER!
♪ SO FAR AWAY ♪
♪ NOW I NEED SOME PLANE

♪ SO FAR AWAY ♪
♪ NOW I NEED SOME PLANE
TO FLY AWAY ♪

♪ NOW I NEED SOME PLANE
TO FLY AWAY ♪
♪ OH, JESTERDAY

TO FLY AWAY ♪
♪ OH, JESTERDAY
WAS SUDDENLY ♪

♪ OH, JESTERDAY
WAS SUDDENLY ♪
♪ WHEN SHE HAS TO GO ♪

WAS SUDDENLY ♪
♪ WHEN SHE HAS TO GO ♪
♪ WE DON'T KNOW ♪

♪ WHEN SHE HAS TO GO ♪
♪ WE DON'T KNOW ♪
♪ THEY WOULDN'T SAY ♪

♪ WE DON'T KNOW ♪
♪ THEY WOULDN'T SAY ♪
Announcer: NOT A SIMULATION

♪ THEY WOULDN'T SAY ♪
Announcer: NOT A SIMULATION
BUT AN INCREDIBLE APPROXIMATION.

Announcer: NOT A SIMULATION
BUT AN INCREDIBLE APPROXIMATION.
I SAW THEM FIRST IN CUBA

BUT AN INCREDIBLE APPROXIMATION.
I SAW THEM FIRST IN CUBA
AND I REALIZED THEY JUST HAD

I SAW THEM FIRST IN CUBA
AND I REALIZED THEY JUST HAD
TO BE HEARD IN AMERICA.

AND I REALIZED THEY JUST HAD
TO BE HEARD IN AMERICA.
THEY LISTENED TO A BEATLES

TO BE HEARD IN AMERICA.
THEY LISTENED TO A BEATLES
RECORD ONCE AND DECIDED TO PLAY

THEY LISTENED TO A BEATLES
RECORD ONCE AND DECIDED TO PLAY
BEATLES SONGS.

RECORD ONCE AND DECIDED TO PLAY
BEATLES SONGS.
I ENJOY IT, I CAN DANCE TO IT,

BEATLES SONGS.
I ENJOY IT, I CAN DANCE TO IT,
THEY SOUND GOOD.

I ENJOY IT, I CAN DANCE TO IT,
THEY SOUND GOOD.
THEY DON'T ALWAYS GET THE WORDS

THEY SOUND GOOD.
THEY DON'T ALWAYS GET THE WORDS
RIGHT BUT THAT'S OKAY.

THEY DON'T ALWAYS GET THE WORDS
RIGHT BUT THAT'S OKAY.
♪ LUCY UP VERY HIGH ♪

RIGHT BUT THAT'S OKAY.
♪ LUCY UP VERY HIGH ♪
♪ LUCY UP VERY HIGH ♪

♪ LUCY UP VERY HIGH ♪
♪ LUCY UP VERY HIGH ♪
Announcer: ORDER YOUR DOUBLE

♪ LUCY UP VERY HIGH ♪
Announcer: ORDER YOUR DOUBLE
ALBUM TODAY!

Announcer: ORDER YOUR DOUBLE
ALBUM TODAY!
♪ WE NEED SOME HELP ♪

ALBUM TODAY!
♪ WE NEED SOME HELP ♪
♪ HELP ♪

♪ WE NEED SOME HELP ♪
♪ HELP ♪
♪ NOT JUST ANY HELP ♪

♪ HELP ♪
♪ NOT JUST ANY HELP ♪
♪ HELP ♪

Announcer: SEND ONLY $12.95
TO BEATALOS, BOX 2255,

TO BEATALOS, BOX 2255,
SLEARVILLE, NEW JERSEY, 11002.

SLEARVILLE, NEW JERSEY, 11002.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

HELLO, I AM ANDY KAUFMAN.
I WAS ON THIS SHOW...
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I WAS ON THIS SHOW...
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
JUST A MINUTE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
JUST A MINUTE.
OKAY, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

JUST A MINUTE.
OKAY, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
I WAS ON THIS SHOW SEVERAL WEEKS

OKAY, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
I WAS ON THIS SHOW SEVERAL WEEKS
AGO, I WRESTLED A WOMAN

I WAS ON THIS SHOW SEVERAL WEEKS
AGO, I WRESTLED A WOMAN
FROM THE AUDIENCE.

AGO, I WRESTLED A WOMAN
FROM THE AUDIENCE.
I'VE GOTTEN A LOT OF NASTY

FROM THE AUDIENCE.
I'VE GOTTEN A LOT OF NASTY
MAIL FROM YOU PEOPLE OUT THERE.

I'VE GOTTEN A LOT OF NASTY
MAIL FROM YOU PEOPLE OUT THERE.
YOU WRITE: "DEAR SATURDAY NIGHT

MAIL FROM YOU PEOPLE OUT THERE.
YOU WRITE: "DEAR SATURDAY NIGHT
LIVE, I'M NEVER GONNA WATCH

YOU WRITE: "DEAR SATURDAY NIGHT
LIVE, I'M NEVER GONNA WATCH
YOUR SHOW AGAIN IF YOU LET

LIVE, I'M NEVER GONNA WATCH
YOUR SHOW AGAIN IF YOU LET
ANDY KAUFMAN WRESTLE.

YOUR SHOW AGAIN IF YOU LET
ANDY KAUFMAN WRESTLE.
IT WAS THE MOST TASTELESS

ANDY KAUFMAN WRESTLE.
IT WAS THE MOST TASTELESS
THING I'VE EVER SEEN."

IT WAS THE MOST TASTELESS
THING I'VE EVER SEEN."
SO YOU'RE TRYING TO GET ME TO

THING I'VE EVER SEEN."
SO YOU'RE TRYING TO GET ME TO
STOP WRESTLING ON TELEVISION?

SO YOU'RE TRYING TO GET ME TO
STOP WRESTLING ON TELEVISION?
WELL, THERE'S NO WAY YOU'RE

STOP WRESTLING ON TELEVISION?
WELL, THERE'S NO WAY YOU'RE
GOING TO DO IT.

WELL, THERE'S NO WAY YOU'RE
GOING TO DO IT.
I WILL WRESTLE ON EVERY SHOW.

GOING TO DO IT.
I WILL WRESTLE ON EVERY SHOW.
I WILL WRESTLE ON EVERY VARIETY

I WILL WRESTLE ON EVERY SHOW.
I WILL WRESTLE ON EVERY VARIETY
SHOW, EVERY TALK SHOW.

I WILL WRESTLE ON EVERY VARIETY
SHOW, EVERY TALK SHOW.
YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO

SHOW, EVERY TALK SHOW.
YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO
TURN THE DIAL FAST ENOUGH.

YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO
TURN THE DIAL FAST ENOUGH.
YOU'LL NEVER GET RID OF ME.

TURN THE DIAL FAST ENOUGH.
YOU'LL NEVER GET RID OF ME.
UNTIL A WOMAN BEATS ME

YOU'LL NEVER GET RID OF ME.
UNTIL A WOMAN BEATS ME
IN A WRESTLING MATCH.

UNTIL A WOMAN BEATS ME
IN A WRESTLING MATCH.
THAT'S RIGHT.

IN A WRESTLING MATCH.
THAT'S RIGHT.
BUT THERE'S NO WOMAN THAT CAN

THAT'S RIGHT.
BUT THERE'S NO WOMAN THAT CAN
BEAT ME IN A WRESTLING MATCH

BUT THERE'S NO WOMAN THAT CAN
BEAT ME IN A WRESTLING MATCH
BECAUSE WOMEN DO NOT

BEAT ME IN A WRESTLING MATCH
BECAUSE WOMEN DO NOT
HAVE THE BRAINS!

BECAUSE WOMEN DO NOT
HAVE THE BRAINS!
EVEN THE ONES THAT THEY LIFT

HAVE THE BRAINS!
EVEN THE ONES THAT THEY LIFT
THE WEIGHTS, THEY LIFT THE

EVEN THE ONES THAT THEY LIFT
THE WEIGHTS, THEY LIFT THE
WEIGHTS AND THEY MAKE

THE WEIGHTS, THEY LIFT THE
WEIGHTS AND THEY MAKE
THE MUSCLES.

WEIGHTS AND THEY MAKE
THE MUSCLES.
THOSE WOMEN DON'T HAVE THE

THE MUSCLES.
THOSE WOMEN DON'T HAVE THE
BRAINS, THE ONLY THING THAT

THOSE WOMEN DON'T HAVE THE
BRAINS, THE ONLY THING THAT
WOMEN HAVE THE BRAINS FOR IS

BRAINS, THE ONLY THING THAT
WOMEN HAVE THE BRAINS FOR IS
TO COOK, CLEAN,

WOMEN HAVE THE BRAINS FOR IS
TO COOK, CLEAN,
AND RAISE THE BABIES.

TO COOK, CLEAN,
AND RAISE THE BABIES.
[CROWD GROANS]

AND RAISE THE BABIES.
[CROWD GROANS]
JUST A MINUTE, SHUT UP.

[CROWD GROANS]
JUST A MINUTE, SHUT UP.
SHUT UP.

JUST A MINUTE, SHUT UP.
SHUT UP.
NOW, LOOK... IF THERE'S ANY

SHUT UP.
NOW, LOOK... IF THERE'S ANY
WOMAN OUT THERE WHO THINKS SHE

NOW, LOOK... IF THERE'S ANY
WOMAN OUT THERE WHO THINKS SHE
CAN BEAT ME, SEND YOUR PICTURE

WOMAN OUT THERE WHO THINKS SHE
CAN BEAT ME, SEND YOUR PICTURE
AND THE REASON WHY, YOUR

CAN BEAT ME, SEND YOUR PICTURE
AND THE REASON WHY, YOUR
STATISTICS, AND THE REASON WHY

AND THE REASON WHY, YOUR
STATISTICS, AND THE REASON WHY
YOU CAN BEAT ME TO THIS SHOW.

STATISTICS, AND THE REASON WHY
YOU CAN BEAT ME TO THIS SHOW.
YOU'LL BE FLOWN OUT ON

YOU CAN BEAT ME TO THIS SHOW.
YOU'LL BE FLOWN OUT ON
DECEMBER 22nd AND WE WILL

YOU'LL BE FLOWN OUT ON
DECEMBER 22nd AND WE WILL
HAVE A MATCH RIGHT HERE.

DECEMBER 22nd AND WE WILL
HAVE A MATCH RIGHT HERE.
IF YOU BEAT ME, I WILL GIVE YOU

HAVE A MATCH RIGHT HERE.
IF YOU BEAT ME, I WILL GIVE YOU
$1000, SHAVE MY HEAD RIGHT HERE

IF YOU BEAT ME, I WILL GIVE YOU
$1000, SHAVE MY HEAD RIGHT HERE
ON NATION WIDE TELEVISION

$1000, SHAVE MY HEAD RIGHT HERE
ON NATION WIDE TELEVISION
AND I WILL NEVER WRESTLE

ON NATION WIDE TELEVISION
AND I WILL NEVER WRESTLE
ON TELEVISION AGAIN.

AND I WILL NEVER WRESTLE
ON TELEVISION AGAIN.
BUT I DON'T THINK THERE'S

ON TELEVISION AGAIN.
BUT I DON'T THINK THERE'S
ANYONE WHO CAN DO IT.

BUT I DON'T THINK THERE'S
ANYONE WHO CAN DO IT.
Announcer: IF YOU'RE A WOMAN

ANYONE WHO CAN DO IT.
Announcer: IF YOU'RE A WOMAN
AND WANNA WRESTLE ANDY KAUFMAN

Announcer: IF YOU'RE A WOMAN
AND WANNA WRESTLE ANDY KAUFMAN
ON OUR CHRISTMAS SHOW DECEMBER

AND WANNA WRESTLE ANDY KAUFMAN
ON OUR CHRISTMAS SHOW DECEMBER
22nd, SEND YOUR NAME, ADDRESS,

ON OUR CHRISTMAS SHOW DECEMBER
22nd, SEND YOUR NAME, ADDRESS,
AND CURRENT PHOTO OF YOURSELF

22nd, SEND YOUR NAME, ADDRESS,
AND CURRENT PHOTO OF YOURSELF
TO ANDY KAUFMAN, POST OFFICE BOX

AND CURRENT PHOTO OF YOURSELF
TO ANDY KAUFMAN, POST OFFICE BOX
860, RADIO CITY STATION,

TO ANDY KAUFMAN, POST OFFICE BOX
860, RADIO CITY STATION,
NEW YORK, NEW YORK, 10019.

860, RADIO CITY STATION,
NEW YORK, NEW YORK, 10019.
LETTERS MUST BE POSTMARKED NO

NEW YORK, NEW YORK, 10019.
LETTERS MUST BE POSTMARKED NO
LATER THAN DECEMBER 14th, 1979.

LETTERS MUST BE POSTMARKED NO
LATER THAN DECEMBER 14th, 1979.
BOY, I HOPE SOMEBODY

LATER THAN DECEMBER 14th, 1979.
BOY, I HOPE SOMEBODY
BEATS HIM.

BOY, I HOPE SOMEBODY
BEATS HIM.
[APPLAUSE]

BEATS HIM.
[APPLAUSE]
AND BEATS HIM BADLY!

[APPLAUSE]
AND BEATS HIM BADLY!
Andy: SHUT UP, I'LL TAKE

AND BEATS HIM BADLY!
Andy: SHUT UP, I'LL TAKE
YOU ON, BABY.

Andy: SHUT UP, I'LL TAKE
YOU ON, BABY.
NOW, ONCE AGAIN, THE ROCHES!

YOU ON, BABY.
NOW, ONCE AGAIN, THE ROCHES!
[APPLAUSE]

♪ AH, AH, AH ♪

♪ HALLELUJAH ♪
♪ HALLELUJAH ♪
♪ HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH ♪

♪ HALLELUJAH ♪
♪ HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH ♪
♪ HALLELUJAH ♪

♪ HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH ♪
♪ HALLELUJAH ♪
♪ HALLELUJAH ♪

♪ HALLELUJAH ♪
♪ HALLELUJAH ♪
♪ HALLELUJAH ♪

♪ HALLELUJAH ♪
♪ HALLELUJAH ♪
♪ HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH ♪

♪ HALLELUJAH ♪
♪ HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH ♪
♪ HALLELUJAH ♪

♪ HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH ♪
♪ HALLELUJAH ♪
♪ FOR THE LORD GOD

♪ HALLELUJAH ♪
♪ FOR THE LORD GOD
OMNIPOTENT REIGNETH ♪

♪ FOR THE LORD GOD
OMNIPOTENT REIGNETH ♪
♪ HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH ♪

OMNIPOTENT REIGNETH ♪
♪ HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH ♪
♪ HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH ♪

♪ HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH ♪
♪ HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH ♪
♪ FOR THE LORD GOD

♪ HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH ♪
♪ FOR THE LORD GOD
OMNIPOTENT REIGNETH ♪

♪ FOR THE LORD GOD
OMNIPOTENT REIGNETH ♪
♪ HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH ♪

OMNIPOTENT REIGNETH ♪
♪ HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH ♪
♪ HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH ♪

♪ HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH ♪
♪ HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH ♪
♪ FOR THE LORD GOD

♪ HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH ♪
♪ FOR THE LORD GOD
OMNIPOTENT REIGNETH ♪

♪ FOR THE LORD GOD
OMNIPOTENT REIGNETH ♪
♪ HALLELUJAH ♪

OMNIPOTENT REIGNETH ♪
♪ HALLELUJAH ♪
♪ HALLELUJAH ♪

♪ HALLELUJAH ♪
♪ HALLELUJAH ♪
♪ HALLELUJAH ♪

♪ HALLELUJAH ♪
♪ HALLELUJAH ♪
♪ HALLELUJAH ♪

♪ HALLELUJAH ♪
♪ HALLELUJAH ♪
[SINGING OVERLAPS]

♪ THE KINGDOM OF THIS WORLD
IS BECOME ♪
♪ THE KINGDOM OF OUR LORD

IS BECOME ♪
♪ THE KINGDOM OF OUR LORD
AND OF HIS CHRIST ♪

♪ THE KINGDOM OF OUR LORD
AND OF HIS CHRIST ♪
♪ AND OF HIS CHRIST ♪

AND OF HIS CHRIST ♪
♪ AND OF HIS CHRIST ♪
♪ AND HE SHALL REIGN

♪ AND OF HIS CHRIST ♪
♪ AND HE SHALL REIGN
FOREVER AND EVER ♪

♪ AND HE SHALL REIGN
FOREVER AND EVER ♪
♪ AND HE SHALL REIGN

FOREVER AND EVER ♪
♪ AND HE SHALL REIGN
FOREVER AND EVER ♪

♪ AND HE SHALL REIGN
FOREVER AND EVER ♪
♪ AND HE SHALL REIGN

FOREVER AND EVER ♪
♪ AND HE SHALL REIGN
FOREVER AND EVER ♪

♪ AND HE SHALL REIGN
FOREVER AND EVER ♪
♪ AND HE SHALL REIGN

FOREVER AND EVER ♪
♪ AND HE SHALL REIGN
FOREVER AND EVER ♪

♪ AND HE SHALL REIGN
FOREVER AND EVER ♪
♪ KING OF KINGS ♪

FOREVER AND EVER ♪
♪ KING OF KINGS ♪
♪ FOREVER AND EVER ♪

♪ KING OF KINGS ♪
♪ FOREVER AND EVER ♪
♪ HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH ♪

♪ FOREVER AND EVER ♪
♪ HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH ♪
♪ AND LORD OF LORDS ♪

♪ HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH ♪
♪ AND LORD OF LORDS ♪
♪ FOREVER AND EVER ♪

♪ AND LORD OF LORDS ♪
♪ FOREVER AND EVER ♪
♪ HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH ♪

♪ FOREVER AND EVER ♪
♪ HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH ♪
♪ KING OF KINGS ♪

♪ HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH ♪
♪ KING OF KINGS ♪
♪ FOREVER AND EVER ♪

♪ KING OF KINGS ♪
♪ FOREVER AND EVER ♪
♪ HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH ♪

♪ FOREVER AND EVER ♪
♪ HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH ♪
♪ AND LORD OF LORDS ♪

♪ HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH ♪
♪ AND LORD OF LORDS ♪
♪ FOREVER AND EVER ♪

♪ AND LORD OF LORDS ♪
♪ FOREVER AND EVER ♪
♪ HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH ♪

♪ FOREVER AND EVER ♪
♪ HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH ♪
♪ KING OF KINGS ♪

♪ HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH ♪
♪ KING OF KINGS ♪
♪ FOREVER AND EVER ♪

♪ KING OF KINGS ♪
♪ FOREVER AND EVER ♪
♪ HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH ♪

♪ FOREVER AND EVER ♪
♪ HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH ♪
♪ AND LORD OF LORDS ♪

♪ HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH ♪
♪ AND LORD OF LORDS ♪
♪ KING OF KINGS ♪

♪ AND LORD OF LORDS ♪
♪ KING OF KINGS ♪
♪ AND LORD OF LORDS ♪

♪ KING OF KINGS ♪
♪ AND LORD OF LORDS ♪
♪ AND HE SHALL REIGN

♪ AND LORD OF LORDS ♪
♪ AND HE SHALL REIGN
FOREVER AND EVER ♪

♪ AND HE SHALL REIGN
FOREVER AND EVER ♪
♪ AND HE SHALL REIGN

FOREVER AND EVER ♪
♪ AND HE SHALL REIGN
FOREVER AND EVER ♪

♪ AND HE SHALL REIGN
FOREVER AND EVER ♪
♪ KING OF KINGS ♪

FOREVER AND EVER ♪
♪ KING OF KINGS ♪
♪ FOREVER AND EVER ♪

♪ KING OF KINGS ♪
♪ FOREVER AND EVER ♪
♪ AND LORD OF LORDS ♪

♪ FOREVER AND EVER ♪
♪ AND LORD OF LORDS ♪
♪ HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH ♪

♪ AND LORD OF LORDS ♪
♪ HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH ♪
♪ AND HE SHALL REIGN

♪ HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH ♪
♪ AND HE SHALL REIGN
FOREVER, FOREVER AND EVER ♪

♪ AND HE SHALL REIGN
FOREVER, FOREVER AND EVER ♪
♪ KING OF KINGS ♪

FOREVER, FOREVER AND EVER ♪
♪ KING OF KINGS ♪
♪ AND LORD OF LORDS ♪

♪ KING OF KINGS ♪
♪ AND LORD OF LORDS ♪
♪ KING OF KINGS ♪

♪ AND LORD OF LORDS ♪
♪ KING OF KINGS ♪
♪ AND LORD OF LORDS ♪

♪ KING OF KINGS ♪
♪ AND LORD OF LORDS ♪
♪ AND HE SHALL REIGN

♪ AND LORD OF LORDS ♪
♪ AND HE SHALL REIGN
FOREVER AND EVER ♪

♪ AND HE SHALL REIGN
FOREVER AND EVER ♪
♪ FOREVER AND EVER ♪

FOREVER AND EVER ♪
♪ FOREVER AND EVER ♪
♪ FOREVER AND EVER ♪

♪ FOREVER AND EVER ♪
♪ FOREVER AND EVER ♪
♪ HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH ♪

♪ FOREVER AND EVER ♪
♪ HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH ♪
♪ HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH ♪

♪ HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH ♪
♪ HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH ♪
♪ HALLELUJAH ♪

[APPLAUSE]

WELL, THANK YOU FOR COMING.
I HOPE YOU HAD A WONDERFUL TIME.
GOODNIGHT.

I HOPE YOU HAD A WONDERFUL TIME.
GOODNIGHT.
[APPLAUSE]

GOODNIGHT.
[APPLAUSE]
[♪...]

Announcer: NEXT WEEK, WATCH
AN ENCORE PERFORMANCE OF
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE WITH HOST

AN ENCORE PERFORMANCE OF
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE WITH HOST
JACK BURNS AND MUSICAL GUEST

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE WITH HOST
JACK BURNS AND MUSICAL GUEST
SANTANA.

JACK BURNS AND MUSICAL GUEST
SANTANA.
THIS IS DON PARDO

SANTANA.
THIS IS DON PARDO
REMINDING YOU TO EAT SAFELY.

THIS IS DON PARDO
REMINDING YOU TO EAT SAFELY.
TURKEY AND GASOLINE DON'T MIX.

REMINDING YOU TO EAT SAFELY.
TURKEY AND GASOLINE DON'T MIX.
GOODNIGHT.

TURKEY AND GASOLINE DON'T MIX.
GOODNIGHT.
[♪...]