Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 5, Episode 20 - Buck Henry/Andrew Gold/Andrae Crouch & Voices of Unity - full transcript

LAST SEPTEMBER WHEN THE 1980

PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION WAS ONLY
A YEAR AND A HALF AWAY, WE BEGAN

A YEAR AND A HALF AWAY, WE BEGAN
COVERING THE CAMPAIGN.

COVERING THE CAMPAIGN.
WELL, TONIGHT, TWO MONTHS

WELL, TONIGHT, TWO MONTHS
BEFORE THE CONVENTIONS START,
OUR PROJECTIONS HAVE GIVEN

BEFORE THE CONVENTIONS START,
OUR PROJECTIONS HAVE GIVEN
THE REPUBLICAN NOMINATION

OUR PROJECTIONS HAVE GIVEN
THE REPUBLICAN NOMINATION
TO RONALD REAGAN,

THE REPUBLICAN NOMINATION
TO RONALD REAGAN,
AND THE DEMOCRATIC NOMINATION

TO RONALD REAGAN,
AND THE DEMOCRATIC NOMINATION
TO JIMMY CARTER.

AND THE DEMOCRATIC NOMINATION
TO JIMMY CARTER.
HOPEFULLY, BY LABOR DAY,

TO JIMMY CARTER.
HOPEFULLY, BY LABOR DAY,
WE SHALL BE ABLE TO PROJECT



HOPEFULLY, BY LABOR DAY,
WE SHALL BE ABLE TO PROJECT
THE ACTUAL ELECTION WINNER,

WE SHALL BE ABLE TO PROJECT
THE ACTUAL ELECTION WINNER,
AND WE CAN ALL SPEND SEPTEMBER

THE ACTUAL ELECTION WINNER,
AND WE CAN ALL SPEND SEPTEMBER
AND OCTOBER CONCENTRATING

AND WE CAN ALL SPEND SEPTEMBER
AND OCTOBER CONCENTRATING
ON FOOTBALL.

AND OCTOBER CONCENTRATING
ON FOOTBALL.
SO NOW THIS LONG PRIMARY

ON FOOTBALL.
SO NOW THIS LONG PRIMARY
CAMPAIGN, THIS STRING OF

SO NOW THIS LONG PRIMARY
CAMPAIGN, THIS STRING OF
TUESDAY NIGHTS, THIS PARADE

CAMPAIGN, THIS STRING OF
TUESDAY NIGHTS, THIS PARADE
OF BAR GRAPHS AND EXIT POLLS

TUESDAY NIGHTS, THIS PARADE
OF BAR GRAPHS AND EXIT POLLS
AND SLEAZY MORNINGS AFTER

OF BAR GRAPHS AND EXIT POLLS
AND SLEAZY MORNINGS AFTER
IN HOTEL BARS...

AND SLEAZY MORNINGS AFTER
IN HOTEL BARS...
IT ALL COMES TO AN END.

IN HOTEL BARS...
IT ALL COMES TO AN END.
AND LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE

IT ALL COMES TO AN END.
AND LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE
IN THIS ELECTION SEASON,

AND LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE
IN THIS ELECTION SEASON,
WE AT ABC NEWS ARE BRINGING



IN THIS ELECTION SEASON,
WE AT ABC NEWS ARE BRINGING
IT TO YOU TWO MONTHS EARLY.

WE AT ABC NEWS ARE BRINGING
IT TO YOU TWO MONTHS EARLY.
SURELY THE CLEAREST SIGN THAT

IT TO YOU TWO MONTHS EARLY.
SURELY THE CLEAREST SIGN THAT
CARTER AND REAGAN HAVE CLEAR

SURELY THE CLEAREST SIGN THAT
CARTER AND REAGAN HAVE CLEAR
SAILING AHEAD CAME THIS WEEK

CARTER AND REAGAN HAVE CLEAR
SAILING AHEAD CAME THIS WEEK
WITH THE HOLDING OF A UNIQUE

SAILING AHEAD CAME THIS WEEK
WITH THE HOLDING OF A UNIQUE
POLITICAL FORUM.

WITH THE HOLDING OF A UNIQUE
POLITICAL FORUM.
A CONSOLATION DEBATE BETWEEN

POLITICAL FORUM.
A CONSOLATION DEBATE BETWEEN
TEDDY KENNEDY AND GEORGE BUSH,

A CONSOLATION DEBATE BETWEEN
TEDDY KENNEDY AND GEORGE BUSH,
WHICH WILL HELP TO DECIDE WHO

TEDDY KENNEDY AND GEORGE BUSH,
WHICH WILL HELP TO DECIDE WHO
ENDS UP IN THIRD PLACE WHEN

WHICH WILL HELP TO DECIDE WHO
ENDS UP IN THIRD PLACE WHEN
CAMPAIGN '80 FINALLY ENTERS

ENDS UP IN THIRD PLACE WHEN
CAMPAIGN '80 FINALLY ENTERS
THE RECORD BOOKS.

CAMPAIGN '80 FINALLY ENTERS
THE RECORD BOOKS.
THIS FIRST EVER CONFRONTATION

THE RECORD BOOKS.
THIS FIRST EVER CONFRONTATION
BETWEEN NON FRONTRUNNERS

THIS FIRST EVER CONFRONTATION
BETWEEN NON FRONTRUNNERS
SPONSORED BY THE LEAGUE OF

BETWEEN NON FRONTRUNNERS
SPONSORED BY THE LEAGUE OF
VOTERS WHO DRESS LIKE WOMEN

SPONSORED BY THE LEAGUE OF
VOTERS WHO DRESS LIKE WOMEN
WAS HELD ON TUESDAY NIGHT.

VOTERS WHO DRESS LIKE WOMEN
WAS HELD ON TUESDAY NIGHT.
HERE ARE SOME HIGHLIGHTS

WAS HELD ON TUESDAY NIGHT.
HERE ARE SOME HIGHLIGHTS
OF THAT CONSOLATION DEBATE.

HERE ARE SOME HIGHLIGHTS
OF THAT CONSOLATION DEBATE.
FIRST GEORGE BUSH.

OF THAT CONSOLATION DEBATE.
FIRST GEORGE BUSH.
I SEE AMERICA MOVING

FIRST GEORGE BUSH.
I SEE AMERICA MOVING
AHEAD IN THIS DECADE.

I SEE PROBLEMS, SURE.
BUT IF WE DIDN'T HAVE PROBLEMS,

BUT IF WE DIDN'T HAVE PROBLEMS,
THERE'D BE NO NEED FOR

THERE'D BE NO NEED FOR
SOLUTIONS.

SOLUTIONS.
I WELCOME THE OPPORTUNITY

I WELCOME THE OPPORTUNITY
TO DEBATE SENATOR KENNEDY.
SURE, NOBODY WILL REALLY WIN.

TO DEBATE SENATOR KENNEDY.
SURE, NOBODY WILL REALLY WIN.
SURE, IT WON'T COUNT AT

SURE, NOBODY WILL REALLY WIN.
SURE, IT WON'T COUNT AT
THE CONVENTIONS.

SURE, IT WON'T COUNT AT
THE CONVENTIONS.
SURE, IT'S MEANINGLESS

THE CONVENTIONS.
SURE, IT'S MEANINGLESS
IN NOVEMBER.

SURE, IT'S MEANINGLESS
IN NOVEMBER.
BUT THAT'S THE EXCITEMENT OF IT.

IN NOVEMBER.
BUT THAT'S THE EXCITEMENT OF IT.
THE SENSE THAT YOU'RE DOING

BUT THAT'S THE EXCITEMENT OF IT.
THE SENSE THAT YOU'RE DOING
SOMETHING JUST BECAUSE

THE SENSE THAT YOU'RE DOING
SOMETHING JUST BECAUSE
YOU WANNA DO IT AND BECAUSE

SOMETHING JUST BECAUSE
YOU WANNA DO IT AND BECAUSE
YOU DON'T, YOU HAVE NOTHING

YOU WANNA DO IT AND BECAUSE
YOU DON'T, YOU HAVE NOTHING
ELSE TO DO.

YOU DON'T, YOU HAVE NOTHING
ELSE TO DO.
THE CANDIDATES

ELSE TO DO.
THE CANDIDATES
DISAGREED ON IRAN.

THE CANDIDATES
DISAGREED ON IRAN.
BUSH SAYING THE PRESIDENT

DISAGREED ON IRAN.
BUSH SAYING THE PRESIDENT
WAS TOO INDECISIVE,

BUSH SAYING THE PRESIDENT
WAS TOO INDECISIVE,
WHILE KENNEDY FELT MR. CARTER

WAS TOO INDECISIVE,
WHILE KENNEDY FELT MR. CARTER
WAS NOT DECISIVE ENOUGH.

WHILE KENNEDY FELT MR. CARTER
WAS NOT DECISIVE ENOUGH.
AND THEN MR. KENNEDY MADE

WAS NOT DECISIVE ENOUGH.
AND THEN MR. KENNEDY MADE
A FINAL STATEMENT.

AND THEN MR. KENNEDY MADE
A FINAL STATEMENT.
I WANNA SPEAK TO ALL

A FINAL STATEMENT.
I WANNA SPEAK TO ALL
THE PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO

I WANNA SPEAK TO ALL
THE PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO
NEVER WON ANYTHING.

THE PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO
NEVER WON ANYTHING.
EXCEPT PERHAPS,

NEVER WON ANYTHING.
EXCEPT PERHAPS,
THE NEW YORK PRIMARY.

EXCEPT PERHAPS,
THE NEW YORK PRIMARY.
ALL THE PEOPLE WHO

THE NEW YORK PRIMARY.
ALL THE PEOPLE WHO
ENTER SWEEPSTAKES,

WHO SEND IN COUPONS
FROM THEIR SUNDAY PAPER.

FROM THEIR SUNDAY PAPER.
THE LITTLE PEOPLE OF THIS

THE LITTLE PEOPLE OF THIS
COUNTRY WHO FEEL INCREASINGLY

COUNTRY WHO FEEL INCREASINGLY
THAT THEY DON'T EVEN

THAT THEY DON'T EVEN
HAVE A CHANCE TO WIN.
EVEN THOUGH THEY'RE CONSTANTLY

HAVE A CHANCE TO WIN.
EVEN THOUGH THEY'RE CONSTANTLY
BEING TOLD BY THE PRESIDENT

EVEN THOUGH THEY'RE CONSTANTLY
BEING TOLD BY THE PRESIDENT
AND THE MEDIA AND OTHERS

BEING TOLD BY THE PRESIDENT
AND THE MEDIA AND OTHERS
THAT YOU MAY ALREADY HAVE WON.

AND THE MEDIA AND OTHERS
THAT YOU MAY ALREADY HAVE WON.
I WANT THOSE PEOPLE TO FEEL

THAT YOU MAY ALREADY HAVE WON.
I WANT THOSE PEOPLE TO FEEL
FOR ONCE IN THEIR LIVES THAT

I WANT THOSE PEOPLE TO FEEL
FOR ONCE IN THEIR LIVES THAT
SOMEBODY IS ACHIEVING SOMETHING

FOR ONCE IN THEIR LIVES THAT
SOMEBODY IS ACHIEVING SOMETHING
ON THEIR BEHALF.

SOMEBODY IS ACHIEVING SOMETHING
ON THEIR BEHALF.
I WANT TO WIN THIS DEBATE AND

ON THEIR BEHALF.
I WANT TO WIN THIS DEBATE AND
USE THIS VICTORY AS A PLATFORM

I WANT TO WIN THIS DEBATE AND
USE THIS VICTORY AS A PLATFORM
TO TRY TO GIVE NEW MEANING

USE THIS VICTORY AS A PLATFORM
TO TRY TO GIVE NEW MEANING
TO THE WORD "THIRD PLACE

TO TRY TO GIVE NEW MEANING
TO THE WORD "THIRD PLACE
FINISH".

TO THE WORD "THIRD PLACE
FINISH".
[LAUGHTER]

FINISH".
[LAUGHTER]
TO MAKE THAT A POSITION OF

[LAUGHTER]
TO MAKE THAT A POSITION OF
POWER, A POSITION OF IMPORTANCE,

TO MAKE THAT A POSITION OF
POWER, A POSITION OF IMPORTANCE,
TO DO THINGS FOR PEOPLE LIKE ME.

POWER, A POSITION OF IMPORTANCE,
TO DO THINGS FOR PEOPLE LIKE ME.
FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT BEING

TO DO THINGS FOR PEOPLE LIKE ME.
FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT BEING
NOTIFIED BY MAIL TONIGHT

FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT BEING
NOTIFIED BY MAIL TONIGHT
THAT THEY ARE WINNERS.

NOTIFIED BY MAIL TONIGHT
THAT THEY ARE WINNERS.
QUITE MOVING WHEN YOU

THAT THEY ARE WINNERS.
QUITE MOVING WHEN YOU
STOP TO THINK ABOUT IT.

QUITE MOVING WHEN YOU
STOP TO THINK ABOUT IT.
WITH US IN OUR WASHINGTON

STOP TO THINK ABOUT IT.
WITH US IN OUR WASHINGTON
STUDIOS TONIGHT TO HELP EVALUATE

WITH US IN OUR WASHINGTON
STUDIOS TONIGHT TO HELP EVALUATE
THE CAMPAIGN IS OUR DIRECTOR

STUDIOS TONIGHT TO HELP EVALUATE
THE CAMPAIGN IS OUR DIRECTOR
OF POLLINGS, OLIVER SALENCO.

THE CAMPAIGN IS OUR DIRECTOR
OF POLLINGS, OLIVER SALENCO.
OLLIE, BASED ON WHAT WE KNOW NOW

OF POLLINGS, OLIVER SALENCO.
OLLIE, BASED ON WHAT WE KNOW NOW
AS WELL AS WHAT WE DON'T YET

OLLIE, BASED ON WHAT WE KNOW NOW
AS WELL AS WHAT WE DON'T YET
KNOW, HOW DOES OUR

AS WELL AS WHAT WE DON'T YET
KNOW, HOW DOES OUR
REAGAN/CARTER RACE STACK UP IN

KNOW, HOW DOES OUR
REAGAN/CARTER RACE STACK UP IN
NOVEMBER?

REAGAN/CARTER RACE STACK UP IN
NOVEMBER?
WELL, FRANK, TO

NOVEMBER?
WELL, FRANK, TO
UNDERSTAND AN ELECTION, YOU

WELL, FRANK, TO
UNDERSTAND AN ELECTION, YOU
FIRST HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THE

UNDERSTAND AN ELECTION, YOU
FIRST HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THE
GROUPS WHO ARE VOTING.

FIRST HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THE
GROUPS WHO ARE VOTING.
DIFFERENT GROUPS OF PEOPLE VOTE

GROUPS WHO ARE VOTING.
DIFFERENT GROUPS OF PEOPLE VOTE
IN DIFFERENT WAYS, AND SOME

DIFFERENT GROUPS OF PEOPLE VOTE
IN DIFFERENT WAYS, AND SOME
DON'T VOTE AT ALL.

IN DIFFERENT WAYS, AND SOME
DON'T VOTE AT ALL.
STATISTICALLY, THIS CONCEPT IS

DON'T VOTE AT ALL.
STATISTICALLY, THIS CONCEPT IS
OFTEN ILLUSTRATED WITH THE USE

STATISTICALLY, THIS CONCEPT IS
OFTEN ILLUSTRATED WITH THE USE
OF THE SO-CALLED PIE CHART,

IN WHICH THE INFLUENCE
OF DIFFERENT SUB GROUPS

OF DIFFERENT SUB GROUPS
CAN BE SHOWN.

CAN BE SHOWN.
LET'S TAKE FOR EXAMPLE,

LET'S TAKE FOR EXAMPLE,
THE BLACKS.
HEAVILY FOR CARTER IN '76

THE BLACKS.
HEAVILY FOR CARTER IN '76
BUT NOT AS LIKELY TO VOTE.

HEAVILY FOR CARTER IN '76
BUT NOT AS LIKELY TO VOTE.
THEY MAY ACCOUNT FOR ONLY 6

BUT NOT AS LIKELY TO VOTE.
THEY MAY ACCOUNT FOR ONLY 6
PERCENT OF THE VOTING MARGIN.

THEY MAY ACCOUNT FOR ONLY 6
PERCENT OF THE VOTING MARGIN.
A VERY SMALL SLICE OF

PERCENT OF THE VOTING MARGIN.
A VERY SMALL SLICE OF
THE OVERALL PIE.

A VERY SMALL SLICE OF
THE OVERALL PIE.
[LAUGHTER]

THE OVERALL PIE.
[LAUGHTER]
NOW TAKE, ON THE OTHER HAND,

[LAUGHTER]
NOW TAKE, ON THE OTHER HAND,
MIDDLE-CLASS PROTESTANTS,

NOW TAKE, ON THE OTHER HAND,
MIDDLE-CLASS PROTESTANTS,
NOT ONLY ARE THEY NUMERICALLY

MIDDLE-CLASS PROTESTANTS,
NOT ONLY ARE THEY NUMERICALLY
A LARGE GROUP...

NOT ONLY ARE THEY NUMERICALLY
A LARGE GROUP...
Frank: NOW, YOU'RE TALKING

A LARGE GROUP...
Frank: NOW, YOU'RE TALKING
ABOUT RAW NUMBERS, OLLIE?

Frank: NOW, YOU'RE TALKING
ABOUT RAW NUMBERS, OLLIE?
NATURALLY, BUT THEY ALSO

ABOUT RAW NUMBERS, OLLIE?
NATURALLY, BUT THEY ALSO
TURN OUT IN LARGER PERCENTAGES.

NATURALLY, BUT THEY ALSO
TURN OUT IN LARGER PERCENTAGES.
THAT MAKES THEM A LITTLE MORE

TURN OUT IN LARGER PERCENTAGES.
THAT MAKES THEM A LITTLE MORE
SIGNIFICANT IN OUR ELECTION PIE.

THAT MAKES THEM A LITTLE MORE
SIGNIFICANT IN OUR ELECTION PIE.
OLLIE, WHAT WITH E.R.A.

SIGNIFICANT IN OUR ELECTION PIE.
OLLIE, WHAT WITH E.R.A.
AND ALL, WOMEN WILL BE A

OLLIE, WHAT WITH E.R.A.
AND ALL, WOMEN WILL BE A
SIGNIFICANT FACTOR IN THIS

AND ALL, WOMEN WILL BE A
SIGNIFICANT FACTOR IN THIS
PRESIDENTIAL RACE.

SIGNIFICANT FACTOR IN THIS
PRESIDENTIAL RACE.
COULD YOU BREAK THEM OUT

PRESIDENTIAL RACE.
COULD YOU BREAK THEM OUT
AS A SEPARATE GROUP?

COULD YOU BREAK THEM OUT
AS A SEPARATE GROUP?
NO PROBLEM THERE, FRANK.

AS A SEPARATE GROUP?
NO PROBLEM THERE, FRANK.
WOMEN ARE THE MOST STATISTICALLY

NO PROBLEM THERE, FRANK.
WOMEN ARE THE MOST STATISTICALLY
SIGNIFICANT GROUP IN THE

WOMEN ARE THE MOST STATISTICALLY
SIGNIFICANT GROUP IN THE
ENTIRE VOTING POPULATION.

SIGNIFICANT GROUP IN THE
ENTIRE VOTING POPULATION.
AND I THINK THAT OUR CHART

ENTIRE VOTING POPULATION.
AND I THINK THAT OUR CHART
MAKES THAT ABUNDANTLY CLEAR.

AND I THINK THAT OUR CHART
MAKES THAT ABUNDANTLY CLEAR.
[LAUGHTER]

MAKES THAT ABUNDANTLY CLEAR.
[LAUGHTER]
WELL, OLLIE, I KNOW POLLSTERS

[LAUGHTER]
WELL, OLLIE, I KNOW POLLSTERS
ARE A CAREFUL BREED.

WELL, OLLIE, I KNOW POLLSTERS
ARE A CAREFUL BREED.
HAVE YOU SEEN ANYTHING IN YOUR

ARE A CAREFUL BREED.
HAVE YOU SEEN ANYTHING IN YOUR
CRYSTAL BALL ABOUT HOW THESE

HAVE YOU SEEN ANYTHING IN YOUR
CRYSTAL BALL ABOUT HOW THESE
GROUPS WILL ACTUALLY VOTE

CRYSTAL BALL ABOUT HOW THESE
GROUPS WILL ACTUALLY VOTE
IN NOVEMBER?

GROUPS WILL ACTUALLY VOTE
IN NOVEMBER?
NO, NOT MUCH CRYSTAL BALL

IN NOVEMBER?
NO, NOT MUCH CRYSTAL BALL
WORK YET, FRANK.

NO, NOT MUCH CRYSTAL BALL
WORK YET, FRANK.
WELL, PLENTY OF TIME FOR IT

WORK YET, FRANK.
WELL, PLENTY OF TIME FOR IT
IN THE MONTHS AHEAD.

WELL, PLENTY OF TIME FOR IT
IN THE MONTHS AHEAD.
AND SO, A MID POINT

IN THE MONTHS AHEAD.
AND SO, A MID POINT
IN THE '80 VOTE.

AND SO, A MID POINT
IN THE '80 VOTE.
AND TO ALL THOSE VOICES AND

IN THE '80 VOTE.
AND TO ALL THOSE VOICES AND
FACES WE SHALL SEE NO MORE...

AND TO ALL THOSE VOICES AND
FACES WE SHALL SEE NO MORE...
TO LYNDON LaROUCHE,

FACES WE SHALL SEE NO MORE...
TO LYNDON LaROUCHE,
AND BOB DOLE, AND JERRY BROWN,

TO LYNDON LaROUCHE,
AND BOB DOLE, AND JERRY BROWN,
AND PHIL CRANE, WE...

AND BOB DOLE, AND JERRY BROWN,
AND PHIL CRANE, WE...
THIS JUST HANDED TO ME.

AND PHIL CRANE, WE...
THIS JUST HANDED TO ME.
LIVE FROM NEW YORK,

THIS JUST HANDED TO ME.
LIVE FROM NEW YORK,
IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!

LIVE FROM NEW YORK,
IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
[♪...]

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
[♪...]
Announcer: IT'S SATURDAY

[♪...]
Announcer: IT'S SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE!

Announcer: IT'S SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE!
WITH BUCK HENRY!

NIGHT LIVE!
WITH BUCK HENRY!
STARRING JANE CURTIN.

WITH BUCK HENRY!
STARRING JANE CURTIN.
GARRETT MORRIS.

STARRING JANE CURTIN.
GARRETT MORRIS.
BILL MURRAY.

GARRETT MORRIS.
BILL MURRAY.
LARAINE NEWMAN.

BILL MURRAY.
LARAINE NEWMAN.
GILDA RADNER.

LARAINE NEWMAN.
GILDA RADNER.
AND HARRY SHEARER.

GILDA RADNER.
AND HARRY SHEARER.
WITH MUSICAL GUESTS

AND HARRY SHEARER.
WITH MUSICAL GUESTS
ANDREW GOLD

WITH MUSICAL GUESTS
ANDREW GOLD
AND ANDRAE CROUCH

ANDREW GOLD
AND ANDRAE CROUCH
AND THE VOICES OF UNITY!

FEATURING PETER AYKROYD,
TOM DAVIS,
JIM DOWNEY,

TOM DAVIS,
JIM DOWNEY,
BRIAN DOYLE-MURRAY,

JIM DOWNEY,
BRIAN DOYLE-MURRAY,
AL FRANKEN,

BRIAN DOYLE-MURRAY,
AL FRANKEN,
PAUL SHAFFER.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
BUCK HENRY!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE...]

BUCK HENRY!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE...]
[♪...]

THANK YOU.
HI, EVERYBODY.
THANKS VERY MUCH.

HI, EVERYBODY.
THANKS VERY MUCH.
IT IS WONDERFUL TO BE

THANKS VERY MUCH.
IT IS WONDERFUL TO BE
BACK AGAIN.

IT IS WONDERFUL TO BE
BACK AGAIN.
YOU KNOW, THIS IS THE 106th

BACK AGAIN.
YOU KNOW, THIS IS THE 106th
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE PROGRAM.

YOU KNOW, THIS IS THE 106th
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE PROGRAM.
[APPLAUSE]

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE PROGRAM.
[APPLAUSE]
AND IT IS THE 103rd TIME

[APPLAUSE]
AND IT IS THE 103rd TIME
THAT I'VE HOSTED.

AND IT IS THE 103rd TIME
THAT I'VE HOSTED.
I'VE ALWAYS HOSTED THE LAST

THAT I'VE HOSTED.
I'VE ALWAYS HOSTED THE LAST
SHOW OF THE YEAR, AND THIS IS

I'VE ALWAYS HOSTED THE LAST
SHOW OF THE YEAR, AND THIS IS
THE LAST SHOW OF THE YEAR.

SHOW OF THE YEAR, AND THIS IS
THE LAST SHOW OF THE YEAR.
SOME PEOPLE IN FACT, THINK IT

THE LAST SHOW OF THE YEAR.
SOME PEOPLE IN FACT, THINK IT
MIGHT BE THE LAST

SOME PEOPLE IN FACT, THINK IT
MIGHT BE THE LAST
SATURDAY NIGHT SHOW EVER.

MIGHT BE THE LAST
SATURDAY NIGHT SHOW EVER.
[CROWD GROANS AND BOOS]

SATURDAY NIGHT SHOW EVER.
[CROWD GROANS AND BOOS]
BUT DON'T WORRY!

[CROWD GROANS AND BOOS]
BUT DON'T WORRY!
BECAUSE I'M HERE TO ANNOUNCE

BUT DON'T WORRY!
BECAUSE I'M HERE TO ANNOUNCE
THAT SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

BECAUSE I'M HERE TO ANNOUNCE
THAT SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
WILL BE BACK AGAIN NEXT YEAR!

THAT SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
WILL BE BACK AGAIN NEXT YEAR!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WILL BE BACK AGAIN NEXT YEAR!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
NOT WITH THE SAME PEOPLE, OF

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
NOT WITH THE SAME PEOPLE, OF
COURSE, BUT WITH AN ENTIRELY

NOT WITH THE SAME PEOPLE, OF
COURSE, BUT WITH AN ENTIRELY
NEW CAST OF YOUNG, FRESH,

COURSE, BUT WITH AN ENTIRELY
NEW CAST OF YOUNG, FRESH,
TALENTED PEOPLE TO REPLACE

NEW CAST OF YOUNG, FRESH,
TALENTED PEOPLE TO REPLACE
THE ONES WHO WERE LET GO.

TALENTED PEOPLE TO REPLACE
THE ONES WHO WERE LET GO.
AND I'M SURE, I'M SURE THAT

THE ONES WHO WERE LET GO.
AND I'M SURE, I'M SURE THAT
THESE NEW KIDS ARE GONNA

AND I'M SURE, I'M SURE THAT
THESE NEW KIDS ARE GONNA
GROW ON YOU, BECAUSE THEY'RE

THESE NEW KIDS ARE GONNA
GROW ON YOU, BECAUSE THEY'RE
THE CREAM OF THE CROP OF

GROW ON YOU, BECAUSE THEY'RE
THE CREAM OF THE CROP OF
HUNDREDS WHO AUDITIONED

THE CREAM OF THE CROP OF
HUNDREDS WHO AUDITIONED
FOR THE FORMER PRODUCER.

HUNDREDS WHO AUDITIONED
FOR THE FORMER PRODUCER.
[LAUGHTER]

FOR THE FORMER PRODUCER.
[LAUGHTER]
I REALLY LOOK FORWARD TO

[LAUGHTER]
I REALLY LOOK FORWARD TO
WORKING WITH THEM AND THE NEW

I REALLY LOOK FORWARD TO
WORKING WITH THEM AND THE NEW
PRODUCER IN THE YEARS AHEAD.

WORKING WITH THEM AND THE NEW
PRODUCER IN THE YEARS AHEAD.
SO LET'S MEET THESE BRIGHT

PRODUCER IN THE YEARS AHEAD.
SO LET'S MEET THESE BRIGHT
AND FUNNY NEWCOMERS.

SO LET'S MEET THESE BRIGHT
AND FUNNY NEWCOMERS.
FIRST, FROM MIDLAND, TEXAS,

AND FUNNY NEWCOMERS.
FIRST, FROM MIDLAND, TEXAS,
LUCY LAWLER.

FIRST, FROM MIDLAND, TEXAS,
LUCY LAWLER.
[APPLAUSE]

LUCY LAWLER.
[APPLAUSE]
HI, LUCY.

[APPLAUSE]
HI, LUCY.
HI, BUCK.

HI, LUCY.
HI, BUCK.
I BET THEY'RE GONNA BE

HI, BUCK.
I BET THEY'RE GONNA BE
CALLING YOU THE SWEETHEART

I BET THEY'RE GONNA BE
CALLING YOU THE SWEETHEART
OF SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

CALLING YOU THE SWEETHEART
OF SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
PRETTY SOON, LUCY.

OF SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
PRETTY SOON, LUCY.
WELL, TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH,

PRETTY SOON, LUCY.
WELL, TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH,
I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS.

WELL, TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH,
I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT,

I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT,
IT'S UNDERSTANDABLE.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT,
IT'S UNDERSTANDABLE.
GILDA RADNER WAS JUST AS NERVOUS

IT'S UNDERSTANDABLE.
GILDA RADNER WAS JUST AS NERVOUS
WHEN SHE FIRST STEPPED OUT HERE

GILDA RADNER WAS JUST AS NERVOUS
WHEN SHE FIRST STEPPED OUT HERE
FIVE YEARS AGO.

WHEN SHE FIRST STEPPED OUT HERE
FIVE YEARS AGO.
I HELPED HER AND I'LL HELP YOU

FIVE YEARS AGO.
I HELPED HER AND I'LL HELP YOU
TOO, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

I HELPED HER AND I'LL HELP YOU
TOO, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
WELL, THANK YOU, MR. HENRY.

TOO, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
WELL, THANK YOU, MR. HENRY.
YOU CALL ME BUCK

WELL, THANK YOU, MR. HENRY.
YOU CALL ME BUCK
FROM NOW ON.

YOU CALL ME BUCK
FROM NOW ON.
OKAY, BUCK.

FROM NOW ON.
OKAY, BUCK.
NOW, HERE'S A GUY WHO,

OKAY, BUCK.
NOW, HERE'S A GUY WHO,
BESIDES BEING A FINE COMEDIAN,

NOW, HERE'S A GUY WHO,
BESIDES BEING A FINE COMEDIAN,
PLAYS MANY, MANY MUSICAL

BESIDES BEING A FINE COMEDIAN,
PLAYS MANY, MANY MUSICAL
INSTRUMENTS.

PLAYS MANY, MANY MUSICAL
INSTRUMENTS.
WELCOME GARY LIPTON.

INSTRUMENTS.
WELCOME GARY LIPTON.
[APPLAUSE]

WELCOME GARY LIPTON.
[APPLAUSE]
GARY, JUST HOW MANY MUSICAL

[APPLAUSE]
GARY, JUST HOW MANY MUSICAL
INSTRUMENTS DO YOU ACTUALLY

GARY, JUST HOW MANY MUSICAL
INSTRUMENTS DO YOU ACTUALLY
PLAY?

INSTRUMENTS DO YOU ACTUALLY
PLAY?
OH... WELL, UH,

PLAY?
OH... WELL, UH,
I CAN GET A SOUND OUT OF

OH... WELL, UH,
I CAN GET A SOUND OUT OF
ABOUT 20 INSTRUMENTS.

I CAN GET A SOUND OUT OF
ABOUT 20 INSTRUMENTS.
THAT'S FANTASTIC.

ABOUT 20 INSTRUMENTS.
THAT'S FANTASTIC.
OKAY, NEXT, A REALLY FUNNY

THAT'S FANTASTIC.
OKAY, NEXT, A REALLY FUNNY
LADY, ORIGINALLY FROM

OKAY, NEXT, A REALLY FUNNY
LADY, ORIGINALLY FROM
CINCINNATI, OHIO, AND HERE'S

LADY, ORIGINALLY FROM
CINCINNATI, OHIO, AND HERE'S
NORMA JENKINS.

CINCINNATI, OHIO, AND HERE'S
NORMA JENKINS.
[APPLAUSE]

NORMA JENKINS.
[APPLAUSE]
HAVE YOU DONE MUCH

[APPLAUSE]
HAVE YOU DONE MUCH
TELEVISION BEFORE, NORMA?

HAVE YOU DONE MUCH
TELEVISION BEFORE, NORMA?
JUST A LOCAL SHOW IN

TELEVISION BEFORE, NORMA?
JUST A LOCAL SHOW IN
CINCINNATI.

JUST A LOCAL SHOW IN
CINCINNATI.
BUT IT WAS ON THE SAME STATION

CINCINNATI.
BUT IT WAS ON THE SAME STATION
MIKE DOUGLAS STARTED ON.

BUT IT WAS ON THE SAME STATION
MIKE DOUGLAS STARTED ON.
WELL, THAT'S GOOD

MIKE DOUGLAS STARTED ON.
WELL, THAT'S GOOD
ENOUGH FOR US.

WELL, THAT'S GOOD
ENOUGH FOR US.
I SAY BYE-BYE GARRETT MORRIS,

ENOUGH FOR US.
I SAY BYE-BYE GARRETT MORRIS,
HELLO, NORMA!

I SAY BYE-BYE GARRETT MORRIS,
HELLO, NORMA!
ALL RIGHT.

HELLO, NORMA!
ALL RIGHT.
[APPLAUSE]

ALL RIGHT.
[APPLAUSE]
NOW, IT'S TIME TO MEET

[APPLAUSE]
NOW, IT'S TIME TO MEET
A FORMER MEMBER OF A FABULOUS

NOW, IT'S TIME TO MEET
A FORMER MEMBER OF A FABULOUS
COMEDY TEAM AND HIS NAME IS

A FORMER MEMBER OF A FABULOUS
COMEDY TEAM AND HIS NAME IS
LEE MAYMAN!

COMEDY TEAM AND HIS NAME IS
LEE MAYMAN!
[APPLAUSE]

LEE MAYMAN!
[APPLAUSE]
HOW YOU DOIN', LEE?

[APPLAUSE]
HOW YOU DOIN', LEE?
LEE, I UNDERSTAND YOU

HOW YOU DOIN', LEE?
LEE, I UNDERSTAND YOU
USED TO BE A FORMER MEMBER

LEE, I UNDERSTAND YOU
USED TO BE A FORMER MEMBER
OF A COMEDY TEAM.

USED TO BE A FORMER MEMBER
OF A COMEDY TEAM.
THAT'S RIGHT, BUCK.

OF A COMEDY TEAM.
THAT'S RIGHT, BUCK.
IT WAS CALLED HOLMAN AND MAYMAN.

THAT'S RIGHT, BUCK.
IT WAS CALLED HOLMAN AND MAYMAN.
YOU MIGHT REMEMBER OUR

IT WAS CALLED HOLMAN AND MAYMAN.
YOU MIGHT REMEMBER OUR
WILLIAM TELL BIT.

YOU MIGHT REMEMBER OUR
WILLIAM TELL BIT.
LEE MAYMAN, EVERYBODY!

WILLIAM TELL BIT.
LEE MAYMAN, EVERYBODY!
[APPLAUSE]

LEE MAYMAN, EVERYBODY!
[APPLAUSE]
OKAY, NOW LET'S MEET A GUY

[APPLAUSE]
OKAY, NOW LET'S MEET A GUY
WHO BILLS HIMSELF AS...

OKAY, NOW LET'S MEET A GUY
WHO BILLS HIMSELF AS...
AS THE WALKING LOONY BIN.

WHO BILLS HIMSELF AS...
AS THE WALKING LOONY BIN.
THAT'S WHAT IT SAYS ANYWAY.

AS THE WALKING LOONY BIN.
THAT'S WHAT IT SAYS ANYWAY.
LET'S MEET KARL QUACKENBUSH!

THAT'S WHAT IT SAYS ANYWAY.
LET'S MEET KARL QUACKENBUSH!
[APPLAUSE]

LET'S MEET KARL QUACKENBUSH!
[APPLAUSE]
WELL, KARL, ARE YOU GONNA BE

[APPLAUSE]
WELL, KARL, ARE YOU GONNA BE
THE NEXT BILL MURRAY?

WELL, KARL, ARE YOU GONNA BE
THE NEXT BILL MURRAY?
[AS GROUCHO MARX]

THE NEXT BILL MURRAY?
[AS GROUCHO MARX]
I CERTAINLY HOPE NOT.

[AS GROUCHO MARX]
I CERTAINLY HOPE NOT.
I CERTAINLY HOPE NOT.

I CERTAINLY HOPE NOT.
I CERTAINLY HOPE NOT.
IF THAT'S THE KIND OF COMEDY WE

I CERTAINLY HOPE NOT.
IF THAT'S THE KIND OF COMEDY WE
CAN EXPECT FROM THIS GUY,

IF THAT'S THE KIND OF COMEDY WE
CAN EXPECT FROM THIS GUY,
I THINK WE'RE IN FOR SOME BIG

CAN EXPECT FROM THIS GUY,
I THINK WE'RE IN FOR SOME BIG
BELLY LAUGHS THIS FALL.

I THINK WE'RE IN FOR SOME BIG
BELLY LAUGHS THIS FALL.
[APPLAUSE]

BELLY LAUGHS THIS FALL.
[APPLAUSE]
OKAY, FOLKS, LET'S MEET

[APPLAUSE]
OKAY, FOLKS, LET'S MEET
ROBIN SHERMER... SHERMER...

OKAY, FOLKS, LET'S MEET
ROBIN SHERMER... SHERMER...
ROBIN SH... ROBIN SHERMERHORN!

ROBIN SHERMER... SHERMER...
ROBIN SH... ROBIN SHERMERHORN!
[APPLAUSE]

ROBIN SH... ROBIN SHERMERHORN!
[APPLAUSE]
DID I PRONOUNCE THAT CORRECTLY?

[APPLAUSE]
DID I PRONOUNCE THAT CORRECTLY?
YES, IT'S SHERMERHORN.

DID I PRONOUNCE THAT CORRECTLY?
YES, IT'S SHERMERHORN.
WELL, THANK YOU, ROBIN.

YES, IT'S SHERMERHORN.
WELL, THANK YOU, ROBIN.
OKAY.

WELL, THANK YOU, ROBIN.
OKAY.
AND LAST, LAST FOLKS,

OKAY.
AND LAST, LAST FOLKS,
BUT NOT LEAST, HERE'S

AND LAST, LAST FOLKS,
BUT NOT LEAST, HERE'S
RON WALDO.

BUT NOT LEAST, HERE'S
RON WALDO.
[APPLAUSE]

RON WALDO.
[APPLAUSE]
NOW RON, THEY SAY YOU DO

[APPLAUSE]
NOW RON, THEY SAY YOU DO
A GREAT IMITATION OF DON PARDO.

NOW RON, THEY SAY YOU DO
A GREAT IMITATION OF DON PARDO.
THAT'S RIGHT, BUCK.

A GREAT IMITATION OF DON PARDO.
THAT'S RIGHT, BUCK.
[AS DON PARDO] IT'S SATURDAY

THAT'S RIGHT, BUCK.
[AS DON PARDO] IT'S SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE!

[AS DON PARDO] IT'S SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE!
[APPLAUSE]

NIGHT LIVE!
[APPLAUSE]
THAT'S TERRIFIC.

[APPLAUSE]
THAT'S TERRIFIC.
THERE YOU HAVE IT,

THAT'S TERRIFIC.
THERE YOU HAVE IT,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

THERE YOU HAVE IT,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
HOW ABOUT A BIG HAND FOR

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
HOW ABOUT A BIG HAND FOR
THESE STARS OF THE FUTURE!

HOW ABOUT A BIG HAND FOR
THESE STARS OF THE FUTURE!
[APPLAUSE]

THESE STARS OF THE FUTURE!
[APPLAUSE]
ALL OF THEM, ALL OF THESE KIDS

[APPLAUSE]
ALL OF THEM, ALL OF THESE KIDS
ARE GOING TO BE SPENDING THE

ALL OF THEM, ALL OF THESE KIDS
ARE GOING TO BE SPENDING THE
SUMMER AT NBC's COMEDY CAMP

ARE GOING TO BE SPENDING THE
SUMMER AT NBC's COMEDY CAMP
IN UPSTATE NEW YORK...

SUMMER AT NBC's COMEDY CAMP
IN UPSTATE NEW YORK...
[LAUGHTER]

IN UPSTATE NEW YORK...
[LAUGHTER]
STUDYING ASSIDUOUSLY UNDER

[LAUGHTER]
STUDYING ASSIDUOUSLY UNDER
THE SUPERVISION OF NBC's

STUDYING ASSIDUOUSLY UNDER
THE SUPERVISION OF NBC's
DEAN OF COMEDY WORKSHOPS...

THE SUPERVISION OF NBC's
DEAN OF COMEDY WORKSHOPS...
MR. JOHN BARBER.

DEAN OF COMEDY WORKSHOPS...
MR. JOHN BARBER.
SO, THESE KIDS WILL BE

MR. JOHN BARBER.
SO, THESE KIDS WILL BE
BACK IN THE FALL, BUT

SO, THESE KIDS WILL BE
BACK IN THE FALL, BUT
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!

BACK IN THE FALL, BUT
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!
[APPLAUSE]

WHAT A SPLENDID PARTY!
I DO BELIEVE EVERYONE
OF ANY IMPORTANCE IN ENGLAND

I DO BELIEVE EVERYONE
OF ANY IMPORTANCE IN ENGLAND
IS HERE TONIGHT.

OF ANY IMPORTANCE IN ENGLAND
IS HERE TONIGHT.
WHO WOULD MISS A PARTY

IS HERE TONIGHT.
WHO WOULD MISS A PARTY
GIVEN BY LORD SALISBURY?

WHO WOULD MISS A PARTY
GIVEN BY LORD SALISBURY?
LORD AND LADY WILKINSON!

WHAT A MARVELOUS
ENTERTAINMENT, SALISBURY!
THESE CHOPPED STEAKS ARE

ENTERTAINMENT, SALISBURY!
THESE CHOPPED STEAKS ARE
DELICIOUS, ESPECIALLY WITH THIS

THESE CHOPPED STEAKS ARE
DELICIOUS, ESPECIALLY WITH THIS
EXQUISITE MUSHROOM SAUCE.

DELICIOUS, ESPECIALLY WITH THIS
EXQUISITE MUSHROOM SAUCE.
WELL, THANK YOU.

EXQUISITE MUSHROOM SAUCE.
WELL, THANK YOU.
COMING FROM YOU, WORCESTERSHIRE,

WELL, THANK YOU.
COMING FROM YOU, WORCESTERSHIRE,
THAT CERTAINLY IS A COMPLIMENT.

COMING FROM YOU, WORCESTERSHIRE,
THAT CERTAINLY IS A COMPLIMENT.
[LAUGHTER]

THAT CERTAINLY IS A COMPLIMENT.
[LAUGHTER]
LORD AND LADY WILKINSON,

[LAUGHTER]
LORD AND LADY WILKINSON,
WELCOME!

LORD AND LADY WILKINSON,
WELCOME!
TELL ME, WILKINSON,

WELCOME!
TELL ME, WILKINSON,
WHAT THE DEUCE IS THE PURPOSE

TELL ME, WILKINSON,
WHAT THE DEUCE IS THE PURPOSE
OF TWO SWORDS?

WHAT THE DEUCE IS THE PURPOSE
OF TWO SWORDS?
AH, THESE.

OF TWO SWORDS?
AH, THESE.
WELL, IT'S QUITE SIMPLE, REALLY.

AH, THESE.
WELL, IT'S QUITE SIMPLE, REALLY.
LET'S SAY YOU ARE MY ATTACKER.

WELL, IT'S QUITE SIMPLE, REALLY.
LET'S SAY YOU ARE MY ATTACKER.
MY FIRST BLADE STANDS YOU UP

LET'S SAY YOU ARE MY ATTACKER.
MY FIRST BLADE STANDS YOU UP
STRAIGHT, MY SECOND CLIPS

MY FIRST BLADE STANDS YOU UP
STRAIGHT, MY SECOND CLIPS
YOU NEATLY AT THE ANKLES.

STRAIGHT, MY SECOND CLIPS
YOU NEATLY AT THE ANKLES.
AND THERE'S LADY WILKINSON,

YOU NEATLY AT THE ANKLES.
AND THERE'S LADY WILKINSON,
FOR ATTACKING YOUR OPPONENT'S

AND THERE'S LADY WILKINSON,
FOR ATTACKING YOUR OPPONENT'S
UNDERARMS AND LEGS!

FOR ATTACKING YOUR OPPONENT'S
UNDERARMS AND LEGS!
[LAUGHTER]

UNDERARMS AND LEGS!
[LAUGHTER]
YOU KNOW, THAT'S A

[LAUGHTER]
YOU KNOW, THAT'S A
TERRIFIC GIFT IDEA.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S A
TERRIFIC GIFT IDEA.
CERTAINLY IS.

TERRIFIC GIFT IDEA.
CERTAINLY IS.
IF YOU'LL EXCUSE US

CERTAINLY IS.
IF YOU'LL EXCUSE US
FOR A MOMENT.

IF YOU'LL EXCUSE US
FOR A MOMENT.
[CLEARS THROAT]

FOR A MOMENT.
[CLEARS THROAT]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH!

[CLEARS THROAT]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH!
YOUR LORDSHIP.

THE EARL OF SANDWICH!
YOUR LORDSHIP.
HAVE YOU SEEN LORD CARDIGAN?

YOUR LORDSHIP.
HAVE YOU SEEN LORD CARDIGAN?
I UNDERSTAND HE WAS

HAVE YOU SEEN LORD CARDIGAN?
I UNDERSTAND HE WAS
TURNED AWAY AT THE DOOR.

I UNDERSTAND HE WAS
TURNED AWAY AT THE DOOR.
LORD CARDIGAN?

TURNED AWAY AT THE DOOR.
LORD CARDIGAN?
HOW ODD.

LORD CARDIGAN?
HOW ODD.
I SAW LORD ASCOTT HERE.

HOW ODD.
I SAW LORD ASCOTT HERE.
HE GOT IN.

I SAW LORD ASCOTT HERE.
HE GOT IN.
WELL, HE WASN'T PROPERLY

HE GOT IN.
WELL, HE WASN'T PROPERLY
ATTIRED.

WELL, HE WASN'T PROPERLY
ATTIRED.
EVIDENTLY, HE CAME IN A SWEATER.

THE DUKE AND DUCHESS
OF ARGYLE!

YOU KNOW, SANDWICH,
I'VE BEEN MEANING TO ASK YOU
WERE THE SANDWICH ISLANDS NAMED

I'VE BEEN MEANING TO ASK YOU
WERE THE SANDWICH ISLANDS NAMED
AFTER YOUR FAMILY?

WERE THE SANDWICH ISLANDS NAMED
AFTER YOUR FAMILY?
NO, EVERYONE ASKS ME THAT,

AFTER YOUR FAMILY?
NO, EVERYONE ASKS ME THAT,
BUT I'M AFRAID NOTHING'S EVER

NO, EVERYONE ASKS ME THAT,
BUT I'M AFRAID NOTHING'S EVER
BEEN NAMED AFTER A MEMBER

BUT I'M AFRAID NOTHING'S EVER
BEEN NAMED AFTER A MEMBER
OF MY FAMILY.

BEEN NAMED AFTER A MEMBER
OF MY FAMILY.
EXCUSE ME, YOUR LORDSHIP,

OF MY FAMILY.
EXCUSE ME, YOUR LORDSHIP,
WOULD YOU CARE FOR ONE OF

EXCUSE ME, YOUR LORDSHIP,
WOULD YOU CARE FOR ONE OF
LORD SALISBURY'S STEAKS?

WOULD YOU CARE FOR ONE OF
LORD SALISBURY'S STEAKS?
OH, YES, I WOULD.

LORD SALISBURY'S STEAKS?
OH, YES, I WOULD.
WOULD YOU BRING IT TO ME

OH, YES, I WOULD.
WOULD YOU BRING IT TO ME
WITH A COUPLE SLICES

WOULD YOU BRING IT TO ME
WITH A COUPLE SLICES
OF PUMPERNICKEL, PLEASE?

WITH A COUPLE SLICES
OF PUMPERNICKEL, PLEASE?
OF COURSE, YOUR LORDSHIP.

LORD AND LADY DOUCHEBAG!
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
WELL, WELL, WELL...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
WELL, WELL, WELL...
I AM SO FRIGHTFULLY GLAD

WELL, WELL, WELL...
I AM SO FRIGHTFULLY GLAD
YOU TWO COULD COME.

I AM SO FRIGHTFULLY GLAD
YOU TWO COULD COME.
I WAS JUST ASKING LADY

YOU TWO COULD COME.
I WAS JUST ASKING LADY
SALISBURY, "WHERE THE DEVIL

I WAS JUST ASKING LADY
SALISBURY, "WHERE THE DEVIL
ARE THOSE DOUCHEBAGS?"

SALISBURY, "WHERE THE DEVIL
ARE THOSE DOUCHEBAGS?"
[LAUGHTER]

ARE THOSE DOUCHEBAGS?"
[LAUGHTER]
WELL, IT'S BEEN IMPOSSIBLE

[LAUGHTER]
WELL, IT'S BEEN IMPOSSIBLE
TO GET HIM OUT OF HIS WORKSHOP!

WELL, IT'S BEEN IMPOSSIBLE
TO GET HIM OUT OF HIS WORKSHOP!
HE HAS BEEN WORKING

TO GET HIM OUT OF HIS WORKSHOP!
HE HAS BEEN WORKING
DAY AND NIGHT.

HE HAS BEEN WORKING
DAY AND NIGHT.
YOU, DOUCHEBAG?

DAY AND NIGHT.
YOU, DOUCHEBAG?
WELL, I WASN'T AWARE THAT YOU

YOU, DOUCHEBAG?
WELL, I WASN'T AWARE THAT YOU
DABBLED IN THAT SORT OF THING.

WELL, I WASN'T AWARE THAT YOU
DABBLED IN THAT SORT OF THING.
TELL ME, WHAT IN HEAVEN'S NAME

DABBLED IN THAT SORT OF THING.
TELL ME, WHAT IN HEAVEN'S NAME
ARE YOU WORKING ON?

TELL ME, WHAT IN HEAVEN'S NAME
ARE YOU WORKING ON?
WELL, I'D BE HAPPY

ARE YOU WORKING ON?
WELL, I'D BE HAPPY
TO TELL YOU, BUT PERHAPS

WELL, I'D BE HAPPY
TO TELL YOU, BUT PERHAPS
AFTER YOU'VE FINISHED EATING.

TO TELL YOU, BUT PERHAPS
AFTER YOU'VE FINISHED EATING.
[LAUGHTER]

AFTER YOU'VE FINISHED EATING.
[LAUGHTER]
AH, HERE'S CHAMBERS

[LAUGHTER]
AH, HERE'S CHAMBERS
RIGHT NOW.

AH, HERE'S CHAMBERS
RIGHT NOW.
CHAMBERS, GET LORD AND LADY

RIGHT NOW.
CHAMBERS, GET LORD AND LADY
DOUCHEBAG SOMETHING TO EAT!

CHAMBERS, GET LORD AND LADY
DOUCHEBAG SOMETHING TO EAT!
NO, NO, THANK YOU.

DOUCHEBAG SOMETHING TO EAT!
NO, NO, THANK YOU.
I'M NOT VERY HUNGRY.

NO, NO, THANK YOU.
I'M NOT VERY HUNGRY.
A PLATE OF RAW VEGETABLES

I'M NOT VERY HUNGRY.
A PLATE OF RAW VEGETABLES
WOULD BE FINE.

A PLATE OF RAW VEGETABLES
WOULD BE FINE.
WOULD YOU LIKE

WOULD BE FINE.
WOULD YOU LIKE
A DRESSING ON THAT?

WOULD YOU LIKE
A DRESSING ON THAT?
JUST SOME VINEGAR

A DRESSING ON THAT?
JUST SOME VINEGAR
AND WATER, THANK YOU.

JUST SOME VINEGAR
AND WATER, THANK YOU.
[LAUGHTER]

AND WATER, THANK YOU.
[LAUGHTER]
DOUCHEBAG, HOW ARE YOU?

[LAUGHTER]
DOUCHEBAG, HOW ARE YOU?
I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN THE HOUSE

DOUCHEBAG, HOW ARE YOU?
I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN THE HOUSE
OF LORDS IN AGES!

I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN THE HOUSE
OF LORDS IN AGES!
DON'T TELL ME FOR THE FIRST TIME

OF LORDS IN AGES!
DON'T TELL ME FOR THE FIRST TIME
IN MEMORY WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A

DON'T TELL ME FOR THE FIRST TIME
IN MEMORY WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A
PARLIAMENT WITHOUT A DOUCHEBAG?

IN MEMORY WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A
PARLIAMENT WITHOUT A DOUCHEBAG?
[LAUGHTER]

PARLIAMENT WITHOUT A DOUCHEBAG?
[LAUGHTER]
MY DEAR SANDWICH,

[LAUGHTER]
MY DEAR SANDWICH,
PARLIAMENT HAS ALWAYS HAD

MY DEAR SANDWICH,
PARLIAMENT HAS ALWAYS HAD
ITS SHARE OF DOUCHEBAGS,

PARLIAMENT HAS ALWAYS HAD
ITS SHARE OF DOUCHEBAGS,
AND ALWAYS WILL.

ITS SHARE OF DOUCHEBAGS,
AND ALWAYS WILL.
SPOKEN LIKE A TRUE DOUCHEBAG.

AND ALWAYS WILL.
SPOKEN LIKE A TRUE DOUCHEBAG.
[LAUGHTER]

SPOKEN LIKE A TRUE DOUCHEBAG.
[LAUGHTER]
I HAVE OFTEN HEARD THE KING

[LAUGHTER]
I HAVE OFTEN HEARD THE KING
SAY OF YOUR FAMILY,

I HAVE OFTEN HEARD THE KING
SAY OF YOUR FAMILY,
AND YOURS, AS WELL:

SAY OF YOUR FAMILY,
AND YOURS, AS WELL:
"GIVE ME A SANDWICH AND

AND YOURS, AS WELL:
"GIVE ME A SANDWICH AND
A DOUCHEBAG, AND THERE'S

"GIVE ME A SANDWICH AND
A DOUCHEBAG, AND THERE'S
NOTHING I CANNOT DO."

A DOUCHEBAG, AND THERE'S
NOTHING I CANNOT DO."
HEAR, HEAR!

NOTHING I CANNOT DO."
HEAR, HEAR!
HEY, TELL ME, DOUCHEBAG...

HEAR, HEAR!
HEY, TELL ME, DOUCHEBAG...
WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO SHOW US

HEY, TELL ME, DOUCHEBAG...
WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO SHOW US
THAT INVENTION OF YOURS?

WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO SHOW US
THAT INVENTION OF YOURS?
YES, DOUCHEBAG, JUST WHAT

THAT INVENTION OF YOURS?
YES, DOUCHEBAG, JUST WHAT
KIND OF AN INVENTION

YES, DOUCHEBAG, JUST WHAT
KIND OF AN INVENTION
ARE YOU SITTING ON?

KIND OF AN INVENTION
ARE YOU SITTING ON?
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

ARE YOU SITTING ON?
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
WELL, IT'S A LONG STORY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
WELL, IT'S A LONG STORY.
WHY DON'T WE GO OUT

WELL, IT'S A LONG STORY.
WHY DON'T WE GO OUT
INTO THE GARDEN, AND I'LL

WHY DON'T WE GO OUT
INTO THE GARDEN, AND I'LL
EXPLAIN IT TO YOU.

INTO THE GARDEN, AND I'LL
EXPLAIN IT TO YOU.
TELL ME-DID LADY DOUCHEBAG

EXPLAIN IT TO YOU.
TELL ME-DID LADY DOUCHEBAG
HELP YOU IN THE PROJECT?

TELL ME-DID LADY DOUCHEBAG
HELP YOU IN THE PROJECT?
HELP?

HELP YOU IN THE PROJECT?
HELP?
WHY, SHE WAS THE INSPIRATION!

HELP?
WHY, SHE WAS THE INSPIRATION!
[LAUGHTER]

WHY, SHE WAS THE INSPIRATION!
[LAUGHTER]
LORD COMPOST HEAP AND HIS

[LAUGHTER]
LORD COMPOST HEAP AND HIS
NIECE, LADY DISINFECTANT CAKE!

LORD COMPOST HEAP AND HIS
NIECE, LADY DISINFECTANT CAKE!
[APPLAUSE]

HA, HA, HA.
YOU'RE MY SHINING PRIDE, GIRL.
SOMETIMES I THINK IT MUST

YOU'RE MY SHINING PRIDE, GIRL.
SOMETIMES I THINK IT MUST
GET BORING FOR YOU WATCHING

SOMETIMES I THINK IT MUST
GET BORING FOR YOU WATCHING
THE CATTLE DAY IN AND DAY OUT.

GET BORING FOR YOU WATCHING
THE CATTLE DAY IN AND DAY OUT.
NO, NO, NO, NO, DADDY.

THE CATTLE DAY IN AND DAY OUT.
NO, NO, NO, NO, DADDY.
I'M PROUD TO BE A

NO, NO, NO, NO, DADDY.
I'M PROUD TO BE A
COW MINDER'S DAUGHTER.

I'M PROUD TO BE A
COW MINDER'S DAUGHTER.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

COW MINDER'S DAUGHTER.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
♪ OH, I'M PROUD TO BE

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
♪ OH, I'M PROUD TO BE
A COW MINDER'S DAUGHTER ♪

♪ OH, I'M PROUD TO BE
A COW MINDER'S DAUGHTER ♪
♪ MINDING CATTLE ♪

A COW MINDER'S DAUGHTER ♪
♪ MINDING CATTLE ♪
♪ IF YOU SEE A BUTCHER, HOLLER ♪

♪ MINDING CATTLE ♪
♪ IF YOU SEE A BUTCHER, HOLLER ♪
♪ THEY WAS COWS

♪ IF YOU SEE A BUTCHER, HOLLER ♪
♪ THEY WAS COWS
BUT THEY WAS DIVINE ♪

♪ THEY WAS COWS
BUT THEY WAS DIVINE ♪
♪ TOUCH ONE, PAPA'D BREAK

BUT THEY WAS DIVINE ♪
♪ TOUCH ONE, PAPA'D BREAK
YOUR SPINE ♪

♪ TOUCH ONE, PAPA'D BREAK
YOUR SPINE ♪
♪ ALL I KNOW IF YOU ATE ONE

YOUR SPINE ♪
♪ ALL I KNOW IF YOU ATE ONE
YOU'D BE REBORN A POTATO ♪

♪ ALL I KNOW IF YOU ATE ONE
YOU'D BE REBORN A POTATO ♪
WHO THE HELL IS THAT?

YOU'D BE REBORN A POTATO ♪
WHO THE HELL IS THAT?
AH, THAT IS MY 12-YEAR-OLD

WHO THE HELL IS THAT?
AH, THAT IS MY 12-YEAR-OLD
DAUGHTER GOVINDA.

AH, THAT IS MY 12-YEAR-OLD
DAUGHTER GOVINDA.
SHE SURE SINGS PRETTY.

DAUGHTER GOVINDA.
SHE SURE SINGS PRETTY.
AND WHO ARE YOU, SIR?

SHE SURE SINGS PRETTY.
AND WHO ARE YOU, SIR?
DOOLITTLE LYNN FROM

AND WHO ARE YOU, SIR?
DOOLITTLE LYNN FROM
KENTUCKY, SIR.

DOOLITTLE LYNN FROM
KENTUCKY, SIR.
I'VE COME TO INDIA LOOKING

KENTUCKY, SIR.
I'VE COME TO INDIA LOOKING
FOR WORK AS A COWHAND.

I'VE COME TO INDIA LOOKING
FOR WORK AS A COWHAND.
INDIA?

FOR WORK AS A COWHAND.
INDIA?
WHY DIDN'T YOU GO WEST,

INDIA?
WHY DIDN'T YOU GO WEST,
YOUNG MAN?

WHY DIDN'T YOU GO WEST,
YOUNG MAN?
WELL, EVERYBODY GOES WEST.

YOUNG MAN?
WELL, EVERYBODY GOES WEST.
I FIGURED I GO EAST.

WELL, EVERYBODY GOES WEST.
I FIGURED I GO EAST.
THIS FAR EAST?

I FIGURED I GO EAST.
THIS FAR EAST?
CATTLE COUNTRY'S

THIS FAR EAST?
CATTLE COUNTRY'S
CATTLE COUNTRY, YOU KNOW?

CATTLE COUNTRY'S
CATTLE COUNTRY, YOU KNOW?
YOU NEED A HIRED HAND?

CATTLE COUNTRY, YOU KNOW?
YOU NEED A HIRED HAND?
I CAN ROPE, HERD, STUN,

YOU NEED A HIRED HAND?
I CAN ROPE, HERD, STUN,
BRAND, YOU NAME IT.

I CAN ROPE, HERD, STUN,
BRAND, YOU NAME IT.
IN INDIA, WE JUST

BRAND, YOU NAME IT.
IN INDIA, WE JUST
LOOK AT OUR CATTLE.

IN INDIA, WE JUST
LOOK AT OUR CATTLE.
BUT YOU'RE WELCOME TO WATCH

LOOK AT OUR CATTLE.
BUT YOU'RE WELCOME TO WATCH
WITH ME, BUT THERE'S NO

BUT YOU'RE WELCOME TO WATCH
WITH ME, BUT THERE'S NO
MONEY IN IT.

WITH ME, BUT THERE'S NO
MONEY IN IT.
I WOULDN'T MIND WATCHING

MONEY IN IT.
I WOULDN'T MIND WATCHING
YOUR DAUGHTER FOR A SPELL.

I WOULDN'T MIND WATCHING
YOUR DAUGHTER FOR A SPELL.
COME HERE GOVINDY.

YOUR DAUGHTER FOR A SPELL.
COME HERE GOVINDY.
I WANT YOU TO MEET

COME HERE GOVINDY.
I WANT YOU TO MEET
A REAL WESTERN COWBOY.

I WANT YOU TO MEET
A REAL WESTERN COWBOY.
HELLO.

A REAL WESTERN COWBOY.
HELLO.
GOVINDY, I DECLARE THAT

HELLO.
GOVINDY, I DECLARE THAT
YOU'RE JUS T THE PRETTIEST THING

GOVINDY, I DECLARE THAT
YOU'RE JUS T THE PRETTIEST THING
I EVER SEEN EYES ON.

YOU'RE JUS T THE PRETTIEST THING
I EVER SEEN EYES ON.
YOU COULD BE A MODEL, I SWEAR.

I EVER SEEN EYES ON.
YOU COULD BE A MODEL, I SWEAR.
NO, NO, NO, NO, THANK YOU,

YOU COULD BE A MODEL, I SWEAR.
NO, NO, NO, NO, THANK YOU,
BUT NO, I REALLY THINK YOU

NO, NO, NO, NO, THANK YOU,
BUT NO, I REALLY THINK YOU
HAVE TO STARVE YOURSELF

BUT NO, I REALLY THINK YOU
HAVE TO STARVE YOURSELF
TO BE A MODEL IN INDIA.

HAVE TO STARVE YOURSELF
TO BE A MODEL IN INDIA.
YEAH, PROBABLY.

TO BE A MODEL IN INDIA.
YEAH, PROBABLY.
WELL, I KNOW THIS IS KINDA

YEAH, PROBABLY.
WELL, I KNOW THIS IS KINDA
SUDDEN, BUT WILL YOU MARRY ME?

WELL, I KNOW THIS IS KINDA
SUDDEN, BUT WILL YOU MARRY ME?
WELL, I'M 12 NOW, DADDY, AND

SUDDEN, BUT WILL YOU MARRY ME?
WELL, I'M 12 NOW, DADDY, AND
I'M NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER.

WELL, I'M 12 NOW, DADDY, AND
I'M NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER.
BUT HOW COULD I EVER

I'M NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER.
BUT HOW COULD I EVER
LEAVE THIS PASTURE FOR...

BUT HOW COULD I EVER
LEAVE THIS PASTURE FOR...
♪ I AM JUST A CATTLE

LEAVE THIS PASTURE FOR...
♪ I AM JUST A CATTLE
STARING HINDU ♪

♪ I AM JUST A CATTLE
STARING HINDU ♪
♪ THAT'S ALL I KNOW AND

STARING HINDU ♪
♪ THAT'S ALL I KNOW AND
THAT'S JUST WHAT MY KIN DO ♪

♪ THAT'S ALL I KNOW AND
THAT'S JUST WHAT MY KIN DO ♪
♪ AND THE CLOSEST I CAME

THAT'S JUST WHAT MY KIN DO ♪
♪ AND THE CLOSEST I CAME
TO GLUTTONY ♪

♪ AND THE CLOSEST I CAME
TO GLUTTONY ♪
♪ INVOLVED SOME MANGO CHUTNEY ♪

TO GLUTTONY ♪
♪ INVOLVED SOME MANGO CHUTNEY ♪
THIS LITTLE LADY CAN SURE

♪ INVOLVED SOME MANGO CHUTNEY ♪
THIS LITTLE LADY CAN SURE
SING HER HIND END OFF.

THIS LITTLE LADY CAN SURE
SING HER HIND END OFF.
I COULD MAKE HER A STAR.

SING HER HIND END OFF.
I COULD MAKE HER A STAR.
GET SOME PICKERS AND

I COULD MAKE HER A STAR.
GET SOME PICKERS AND
BACK HER UP.

GET SOME PICKERS AND
BACK HER UP.
I CAN MAKE HER THE HOTTEST

BACK HER UP.
I CAN MAKE HER THE HOTTEST
COUNTRY AND EASTERN SINGER

I CAN MAKE HER THE HOTTEST
COUNTRY AND EASTERN SINGER
IN THE WORLD.

COUNTRY AND EASTERN SINGER
IN THE WORLD.
[LAUGHTER]

IN THE WORLD.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU MEAN, SING FOR PEOPLE?

[LAUGHTER]
YOU MEAN, SING FOR PEOPLE?
HA, HA, THAT'S A GOOD ONE.

YOU MEAN, SING FOR PEOPLE?
HA, HA, THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
I FEEL YOU BELONG HERE,

HA, HA, THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
I FEEL YOU BELONG HERE,
BUT IF YOU MUST GO, I CAN

I FEEL YOU BELONG HERE,
BUT IF YOU MUST GO, I CAN
WATCH THE CATTLE BY MYSELF.

BUT IF YOU MUST GO, I CAN
WATCH THE CATTLE BY MYSELF.
BYE BYE, DADDY.

WATCH THE CATTLE BY MYSELF.
BYE BYE, DADDY.
WHOO.

BYE BYE, DADDY.
WHOO.
NO OFFENSE, BUT I THINK

WHOO.
NO OFFENSE, BUT I THINK
IT'S TIME TO CHANGE YOUR TURBAN.

NO OFFENSE, BUT I THINK
IT'S TIME TO CHANGE YOUR TURBAN.
I MUST STOP DOING MY YOGA

IT'S TIME TO CHANGE YOUR TURBAN.
I MUST STOP DOING MY YOGA
HEADSTAND IN THE PASTURE.

I MUST STOP DOING MY YOGA
HEADSTAND IN THE PASTURE.
BYE BYE, DARLING.

HEADSTAND IN THE PASTURE.
BYE BYE, DARLING.
WHAT NOW, DOO?

BYE BYE, DARLING.
WHAT NOW, DOO?
WELL, I THINK MAYBE WE SHOULD

WHAT NOW, DOO?
WELL, I THINK MAYBE WE SHOULD
PROBABLY GO ON THE ROAD.

WELL, I THINK MAYBE WE SHOULD
PROBABLY GO ON THE ROAD.
I HAPPEN TO KNOW THE MOST FAMOUS

PROBABLY GO ON THE ROAD.
I HAPPEN TO KNOW THE MOST FAMOUS
COUNTRY AND EASTERN SINGER...

I HAPPEN TO KNOW THE MOST FAMOUS
COUNTRY AND EASTERN SINGER...
OR INDIAN SINGER ANYWAY...

COUNTRY AND EASTERN SINGER...
OR INDIAN SINGER ANYWAY...
IN THE WORLD.

OR INDIAN SINGER ANYWAY...
IN THE WORLD.
NOT...?

IN THE WORLD.
NOT...?
YEAH, BUFFY ST. MARIE.

NOT...?
YEAH, BUFFY ST. MARIE.
SHE'S A FRIEND OF MINE.

YEAH, BUFFY ST. MARIE.
SHE'S A FRIEND OF MINE.
SHE'S OPENING TONIGHT

SHE'S A FRIEND OF MINE.
SHE'S OPENING TONIGHT
AT THE FILLMORE FAR EAST.

SHE'S OPENING TONIGHT
AT THE FILLMORE FAR EAST.
OH!

AT THE FILLMORE FAR EAST.
OH!
♪ YOU'RE NOT A DREAM,

OH!
♪ YOU'RE NOT A DREAM,
YOU'RE AN ANGEL ♪

♪ YOU'RE NOT A DREAM,
YOU'RE AN ANGEL ♪
♪ YOU'RE A MAN ♪

YOU'RE AN ANGEL ♪
♪ YOU'RE A MAN ♪
♪ I'M NOT A QUEEN,

♪ YOU'RE A MAN ♪
♪ I'M NOT A QUEEN,
I'M A WOMAN ♪

♪ I'M NOT A QUEEN,
I'M A WOMAN ♪
♪ TAKE MY HAND ♪

I'M A WOMAN ♪
♪ TAKE MY HAND ♪
♪ WE'LL MAKE A SPACE

♪ TAKE MY HAND ♪
♪ WE'LL MAKE A SPACE
IN THE LIVES THAT WE PLANNED ♪

♪ WE'LL MAKE A SPACE
IN THE LIVES THAT WE PLANNED ♪
♪ AND HE WILL STAY UNTIL

IN THE LIVES THAT WE PLANNED ♪
♪ AND HE WILL STAY UNTIL
IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO GO ♪

♪ AND HE WILL STAY UNTIL
IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO GO ♪
[APPLAUSE]

DOO, SHE'S WONDERFUL.
BOY, I NEVER REALIZED SHE WAS
A "WHOO WHOO" INDIAN.

BOY, I NEVER REALIZED SHE WAS
A "WHOO WHOO" INDIAN.
HEY, HOT SET BUFFY.

A "WHOO WHOO" INDIAN.
HEY, HOT SET BUFFY.
HOW YOU DOING?

HEY, HOT SET BUFFY.
HOW YOU DOING?
THANK YOU, DOO.

HOW YOU DOING?
THANK YOU, DOO.
I WANT YOU TO MEET

THANK YOU, DOO.
I WANT YOU TO MEET
MY BRIDE, GOVINDA.

I WANT YOU TO MEET
MY BRIDE, GOVINDA.
SHE'S A DAMN FINE SINGER

MY BRIDE, GOVINDA.
SHE'S A DAMN FINE SINGER
HERSELF.

SHE'S A DAMN FINE SINGER
HERSELF.
HOWDY, GOVINDA.

HERSELF.
HOWDY, GOVINDA.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE IN LUCK.

HOWDY, GOVINDA.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE IN LUCK.
MY OPENING ACT, MAHAVISHNU

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE IN LUCK.
MY OPENING ACT, MAHAVISHNU
ORCHESTRA, WELL, THEY TOOK ILL,

MY OPENING ACT, MAHAVISHNU
ORCHESTRA, WELL, THEY TOOK ILL,
SOME BAD DOG CURRY AND

ORCHESTRA, WELL, THEY TOOK ILL,
SOME BAD DOG CURRY AND
I'VE GOT AN OPENING FOR YA.

SOME BAD DOG CURRY AND
I'VE GOT AN OPENING FOR YA.
WHAT DO YOU SAY, GOVINDY?

I'VE GOT AN OPENING FOR YA.
WHAT DO YOU SAY, GOVINDY?
THERE'S PLENTY OF ROOM

WHAT DO YOU SAY, GOVINDY?
THERE'S PLENTY OF ROOM
ON THE BUS.

THERE'S PLENTY OF ROOM
ON THE BUS.
WELL, OKAY!

ON THE BUS.
WELL, OKAY!
WELL, HUBBA HUBBA AND YAHOO!

WELL, OKAY!
WELL, HUBBA HUBBA AND YAHOO!
[♪...]

WELL, HUBBA HUBBA AND YAHOO!
[♪...]
[APPLAUSE]

WOULD YOU PLEASE
MAKE FEEL WELCOME,
MAKE HER FEEL WELCOME.

MAKE FEEL WELCOME,
MAKE HER FEEL WELCOME.
THE FIRST LADY OF COUNTRY

MAKE HER FEEL WELCOME.
THE FIRST LADY OF COUNTRY
AND EASTERN MUSIC...

THE FIRST LADY OF COUNTRY
AND EASTERN MUSIC...
GIVE A BIG BOMBAY WELCOME

AND EASTERN MUSIC...
GIVE A BIG BOMBAY WELCOME
TO MISS GOVINDA LYNN.

GIVE A BIG BOMBAY WELCOME
TO MISS GOVINDA LYNN.
[APPLAUSE]

TO MISS GOVINDA LYNN.
[APPLAUSE]
♪ I'M GLAD INDIRA GHANDI

[APPLAUSE]
♪ I'M GLAD INDIRA GHANDI
MADE IT BACK TO PARLIAMENT ♪

♪ I'M GLAD INDIRA GHANDI
MADE IT BACK TO PARLIAMENT ♪
♪ AND I'M HAPPY NOW THAT INDIA

MADE IT BACK TO PARLIAMENT ♪
♪ AND I'M HAPPY NOW THAT INDIA
IS BUYING THE ARMAMENT ♪

♪ AND I'M HAPPY NOW THAT INDIA
IS BUYING THE ARMAMENT ♪
♪ AND I HEAR MAHARAJI'S MOTHER

IS BUYING THE ARMAMENT ♪
♪ AND I HEAR MAHARAJI'S MOTHER
MADE THE OTHER SON THE GOD ♪

♪ AND I HEAR MAHARAJI'S MOTHER
MADE THE OTHER SON THE GOD ♪
♪ BUT HERE IN MYSORE

MADE THE OTHER SON THE GOD ♪
♪ BUT HERE IN MYSORE
THE FLY ARE A-BUZZIN' ♪

♪ BUT HERE IN MYSORE
THE FLY ARE A-BUZZIN' ♪
♪ THE FIELD IS AN EYESORE

THE FLY ARE A-BUZZIN' ♪
♪ THE FIELD IS AN EYESORE
THERE'S BABIES BY THE DOZEN ♪

♪ THE FIELD IS AN EYESORE
THERE'S BABIES BY THE DOZEN ♪
♪ THE COWPIES ARE A-BAKIN'

THERE'S BABIES BY THE DOZEN ♪
♪ THE COWPIES ARE A-BAKIN'
AND THE STENCH IS A-RISIN' ♪

♪ THE COWPIES ARE A-BAKIN'
AND THE STENCH IS A-RISIN' ♪
♪ AND NOT MUCH IS NEW ♪

AND THE STENCH IS A-RISIN' ♪
♪ AND NOT MUCH IS NEW ♪
[APPLAUSE]

DOO, DOO, I CAN'T KEEP
SINGING, I CAN'T KEEP GOING.
I MISS THE COWS!

SINGING, I CAN'T KEEP GOING.
I MISS THE COWS!
WELL, THERE'S A BUNCH

I MISS THE COWS!
WELL, THERE'S A BUNCH
OF 'EM RIGHT OUTSIDE.

WELL, THERE'S A BUNCH
OF 'EM RIGHT OUTSIDE.
HEY, BOYS!

OF 'EM RIGHT OUTSIDE.
HEY, BOYS!
LET'S LET IN THOSE LONGHORNS.

HEY, BOYS!
LET'S LET IN THOSE LONGHORNS.
LET 'EM IN.

LET'S LET IN THOSE LONGHORNS.
LET 'EM IN.
LET IN THOSE COWS.

LET 'EM IN.
LET IN THOSE COWS.
LET 'EM IN, DAMMIT, COME ON.

LET IN THOSE COWS.
LET 'EM IN, DAMMIT, COME ON.
[LAUGHTER]

LET 'EM IN, DAMMIT, COME ON.
[LAUGHTER]
DON'T WORRY, HONEY.

[LAUGHTER]
DON'T WORRY, HONEY.
I SAW THIS COMING AND I HAD

DON'T WORRY, HONEY.
I SAW THIS COMING AND I HAD
SOME GUYS OUTSIDE JUST IN CASE.

I SAW THIS COMING AND I HAD
SOME GUYS OUTSIDE JUST IN CASE.
OH, GOOD.

SOME GUYS OUTSIDE JUST IN CASE.
OH, GOOD.
HONEY, DID YOU HEAR THE ONE

OH, GOOD.
HONEY, DID YOU HEAR THE ONE
ABOUT THE PAKISTANI TERRORIST?

HONEY, DID YOU HEAR THE ONE
ABOUT THE PAKISTANI TERRORIST?
NO, TELL IT TO ME, DOO.

ABOUT THE PAKISTANI TERRORIST?
NO, TELL IT TO ME, DOO.
WELL, THEY TOLD HIM TO

NO, TELL IT TO ME, DOO.
WELL, THEY TOLD HIM TO
BLOW UP A CAR AND HE BURNED

WELL, THEY TOLD HIM TO
BLOW UP A CAR AND HE BURNED
HIS MOUTH ON A TAILPIPE.

BLOW UP A CAR AND HE BURNED
HIS MOUTH ON A TAILPIPE.
TRUE STORY.

HIS MOUTH ON A TAILPIPE.
TRUE STORY.
BUT THEY'VE HEARD

TRUE STORY.
BUT THEY'VE HEARD
THAT ONE, DOO.

BUT THEY'VE HEARD
THAT ONE, DOO.
OH, I'M SORRY.

THAT ONE, DOO.
OH, I'M SORRY.
OH, BLESS YOU.

OH, I'M SORRY.
OH, BLESS YOU.
WELL, ANYWAY...

OH, BLESS YOU.
WELL, ANYWAY...
♪ I'M PROUD TO BE

WELL, ANYWAY...
♪ I'M PROUD TO BE
A COW MINDER'S DAUGHTER ♪

♪ MINDING CATTLE ♪
♪ IF YOU SEE A BUTCHER, HOLLER ♪

[APPLAUSE]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
ANDREW GOLD!
[APPLAUSE]

ANDREW GOLD!
[APPLAUSE]
[♪...]

♪ YOU'RE A PRETTY LITTLE GIRL
BORN WITH THE FACE OF AN ANGEL ♪
♪ ALWAYS BEEN RAISED

BORN WITH THE FACE OF AN ANGEL ♪
♪ ALWAYS BEEN RAISED
IN THE LAP OF LUXURY ♪

♪ ALWAYS BEEN RAISED
IN THE LAP OF LUXURY ♪
♪ ALWAYS GOT ANY MAN

IN THE LAP OF LUXURY ♪
♪ ALWAYS GOT ANY MAN
YOU WANTED ♪

♪ ALWAYS GOT ANY MAN
YOU WANTED ♪
♪ NO MATTER WHAT THE COST ♪

YOU WANTED ♪
♪ NO MATTER WHAT THE COST ♪
♪ I GUESS YOU NEVER

♪ NO MATTER WHAT THE COST ♪
♪ I GUESS YOU NEVER
WANTED A MAN WHO NEEDS LOVE ♪

♪ I GUESS YOU NEVER
WANTED A MAN WHO NEEDS LOVE ♪
♪ ONE WHO NEEDS LOVE ♪

WANTED A MAN WHO NEEDS LOVE ♪
♪ ONE WHO NEEDS LOVE ♪
♪ WON'T YOU TELL ME WHERE

♪ ONE WHO NEEDS LOVE ♪
♪ WON'T YOU TELL ME WHERE
YOU THINK I'LL BE ♪

♪ WON'T YOU TELL ME WHERE
YOU THINK I'LL BE ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE SO CARELESS

YOU THINK I'LL BE ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE SO CARELESS
ENDLESSLY ♪

♪ WHEN YOU'RE SO CARELESS
ENDLESSLY ♪
♪ DO YOU THINK IT'S YOU

ENDLESSLY ♪
♪ DO YOU THINK IT'S YOU
I WANNA SEE TOMORROW? ♪

♪ DO YOU THINK IT'S YOU
I WANNA SEE TOMORROW? ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I CAN DO WITHOUT

I WANNA SEE TOMORROW? ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I CAN DO WITHOUT
YOUR VALENTINES ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I CAN DO WITHOUT
YOUR VALENTINES ♪
♪ YOU SOLD THOSE ONES

YOUR VALENTINES ♪
♪ YOU SOLD THOSE ONES
A THOUSAND TIMES ♪

♪ YOU SOLD THOSE ONES
A THOUSAND TIMES ♪
♪ TO THE MEN WHO BUY YOUR LIES ♪

A THOUSAND TIMES ♪
♪ TO THE MEN WHO BUY YOUR LIES ♪
♪ YOU CAN KISS

♪ TO THE MEN WHO BUY YOUR LIES ♪
♪ YOU CAN KISS
THIS ONE GOODBYE ♪

♪ YOU CAN KISS
THIS ONE GOODBYE ♪
[♪...]

THIS ONE GOODBYE ♪
[♪...]
♪ THE TRUTH IS

[♪...]
♪ THE TRUTH IS
IT'S A LONELY WORLD ♪

♪ THE TRUTH IS
IT'S A LONELY WORLD ♪
♪ IT DOESN'T NEED

IT'S A LONELY WORLD ♪
♪ IT DOESN'T NEED
ONE MORE HEARTACHE ♪

♪ IT DOESN'T NEED
ONE MORE HEARTACHE ♪
♪ AND THERE AIN'T ENOUGH ROOM

ONE MORE HEARTACHE ♪
♪ AND THERE AIN'T ENOUGH ROOM
FOR THE KIND OF GAMES YOU PLAY ♪

♪ AND THERE AIN'T ENOUGH ROOM
FOR THE KIND OF GAMES YOU PLAY ♪
♪ NO WAY ♪

FOR THE KIND OF GAMES YOU PLAY ♪
♪ NO WAY ♪
♪ AND ONE OF THESE DAYS

♪ NO WAY ♪
♪ AND ONE OF THESE DAYS
WHEN YOU NEED SOMEBODY ♪

♪ AND ONE OF THESE DAYS
WHEN YOU NEED SOMEBODY ♪
♪ NO ONE REALLY CARES ♪

WHEN YOU NEED SOMEBODY ♪
♪ NO ONE REALLY CARES ♪
♪ YOU'RE GONNA REACH OUT

♪ NO ONE REALLY CARES ♪
♪ YOU'RE GONNA REACH OUT
BUT NOBODY'S GONNA BE THERE ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONNA REACH OUT
BUT NOBODY'S GONNA BE THERE ♪
♪ NO ONE'S GONNA BE THERE ♪

BUT NOBODY'S GONNA BE THERE ♪
♪ NO ONE'S GONNA BE THERE ♪
♪ WON'T YOU TELL ME

♪ NO ONE'S GONNA BE THERE ♪
♪ WON'T YOU TELL ME
WHERE YOU THINK I'LL BE ♪

♪ WON'T YOU TELL ME
WHERE YOU THINK I'LL BE ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE SO CARELESS

WHERE YOU THINK I'LL BE ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE SO CARELESS
ENDLESSLY ♪

♪ WHEN YOU'RE SO CARELESS
ENDLESSLY ♪
♪ DO YOU THINK IT'S YOU

ENDLESSLY ♪
♪ DO YOU THINK IT'S YOU
I WANNA SEE TOMORROW ♪

♪ DO YOU THINK IT'S YOU
I WANNA SEE TOMORROW ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I CAN DO WITHOUT

I WANNA SEE TOMORROW ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I CAN DO WITHOUT
YOUR VALENTINES ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I CAN DO WITHOUT
YOUR VALENTINES ♪
♪ YOU SOLD THOSE ONES

YOUR VALENTINES ♪
♪ YOU SOLD THOSE ONES
A THOUSAND TIMES ♪

♪ YOU SOLD THOSE ONES
A THOUSAND TIMES ♪
♪ TO THE MEN WHO BUY YOUR LIES ♪

A THOUSAND TIMES ♪
♪ TO THE MEN WHO BUY YOUR LIES ♪
♪ YOU CAN KISS

♪ TO THE MEN WHO BUY YOUR LIES ♪
♪ YOU CAN KISS
THIS ONE GOODBYE ♪

♪ TELL ME HOW IT FEELS
TO HAVE THE TABLE'S TURNED ♪
♪ NOW YOUR FATE

TO HAVE THE TABLE'S TURNED ♪
♪ NOW YOUR FATE
HAS BEEN SEALED ♪

♪ NOW YOUR FATE
HAS BEEN SEALED ♪
♪ AND YOUR BRIDGE

HAS BEEN SEALED ♪
♪ AND YOUR BRIDGE
IS BURNED AWAY ♪

♪ AND YOUR BRIDGE
IS BURNED AWAY ♪
[♪...]

♪ GO AHEAD AND TELL ME ♪
♪ TELL ME WHERE I'LL BE ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE SO CARELESS

♪ TELL ME WHERE I'LL BE ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE SO CARELESS
ENDLESSLY ♪

♪ WHEN YOU'RE SO CARELESS
ENDLESSLY ♪
♪ YOU THINK IT'S YOU

ENDLESSLY ♪
♪ YOU THINK IT'S YOU
I WANNA SEE TOMORROW ♪

♪ YOU THINK IT'S YOU
I WANNA SEE TOMORROW ♪
♪ YOU'LL NEVER SELL ME,

I WANNA SEE TOMORROW ♪
♪ YOU'LL NEVER SELL ME,
SELL ME VALENTINES ♪

♪ YOU'LL NEVER SELL ME,
SELL ME VALENTINES ♪
♪ THE ONES YOU SOLD

SELL ME VALENTINES ♪
♪ THE ONES YOU SOLD
A THOUSAND TIMES ♪

♪ THE ONES YOU SOLD
A THOUSAND TIMES ♪
♪ TO THE MEN WHO BUY YOUR LIES ♪

A THOUSAND TIMES ♪
♪ TO THE MEN WHO BUY YOUR LIES ♪
♪ BUT YOU CAN KISS ME GOODBYE ♪

♪ TO THE MEN WHO BUY YOUR LIES ♪
♪ BUT YOU CAN KISS ME GOODBYE ♪
♪ GOODBYE ♪

♪ BUT YOU CAN KISS ME GOODBYE ♪
♪ GOODBYE ♪
[♪...]

[APPLAUSE]

Announcer: AND NOW, "WEEKEND
UPDATE" WITH THE "WEEKEND
UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.

UPDATE" WITH THE "WEEKEND
UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.
HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS

UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.
HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS
BILL MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN.

HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS
BILL MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN.
GOOD EVENING,

BILL MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN.
GOOD EVENING,
I'M JANE CURTIN.

GOOD EVENING,
I'M JANE CURTIN.
HERE NOW THE NEWS...

I'M JANE CURTIN.
HERE NOW THE NEWS...
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT:

HERE NOW THE NEWS...
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT:
AT THE HAGUE TODAY, THE WORLD

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT:
AT THE HAGUE TODAY, THE WORLD
COURT CONDEMNED IRAN FOR

AT THE HAGUE TODAY, THE WORLD
COURT CONDEMNED IRAN FOR
VIOLATIONS OF INTERNATIONAL LAW.

COURT CONDEMNED IRAN FOR
VIOLATIONS OF INTERNATIONAL LAW.
SINCE THE WORLD COURT HAS

VIOLATIONS OF INTERNATIONAL LAW.
SINCE THE WORLD COURT HAS
NO ACTUAL PUNITIVE POWERS,

SINCE THE WORLD COURT HAS
NO ACTUAL PUNITIVE POWERS,
THE BEST IT COULD DO WAS

NO ACTUAL PUNITIVE POWERS,
THE BEST IT COULD DO WAS
REQUIRE THE AYATOLLAH KHOMEINI

THE BEST IT COULD DO WAS
REQUIRE THE AYATOLLAH KHOMEINI
TO SERVE ON JURY DUTY AT

REQUIRE THE AYATOLLAH KHOMEINI
TO SERVE ON JURY DUTY AT
THE COURT NEXT WEEK.

TO SERVE ON JURY DUTY AT
THE COURT NEXT WEEK.
HOWEVER, THE COURT SAID KHOMEINI

THE COURT NEXT WEEK.
HOWEVER, THE COURT SAID KHOMEINI
WOULD GET OUT OF IT IF HE PROVES

HOWEVER, THE COURT SAID KHOMEINI
WOULD GET OUT OF IT IF HE PROVES
HE RUNS HIS OWN BUSINESS

WOULD GET OUT OF IT IF HE PROVES
HE RUNS HIS OWN BUSINESS
AND CAN'T AFFORD TO GET AWAY.

HE RUNS HIS OWN BUSINESS
AND CAN'T AFFORD TO GET AWAY.
AND IN A RELATED STORY...

AND CAN'T AFFORD TO GET AWAY.
AND IN A RELATED STORY...
IN WHAT'S BEING TAKEN AS

AND IN A RELATED STORY...
IN WHAT'S BEING TAKEN AS
A VICTORY FOR THE CARTER

IN WHAT'S BEING TAKEN AS
A VICTORY FOR THE CARTER
ADMINISTRATION, JAPAN TODAY

A VICTORY FOR THE CARTER
ADMINISTRATION, JAPAN TODAY
AGREED TO IMPOSE NEW

ADMINISTRATION, JAPAN TODAY
AGREED TO IMPOSE NEW
SANCTIONS ON IRAN.

AGREED TO IMPOSE NEW
SANCTIONS ON IRAN.
EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY,

SANCTIONS ON IRAN.
EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY,
JAPAN WILL STOP IMPORTING

EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY,
JAPAN WILL STOP IMPORTING
IRANIAN CAMERAS, COLOR

JAPAN WILL STOP IMPORTING
IRANIAN CAMERAS, COLOR
TELEVISIONS AND KIMONOS.

IRANIAN CAMERAS, COLOR
TELEVISIONS AND KIMONOS.
BILL?

TELEVISIONS AND KIMONOS.
BILL?
THIS WEEK NEAR YAKIMA,

BILL?
THIS WEEK NEAR YAKIMA,
WASHINGTON, MOUNT ST. HELENS'

THIS WEEK NEAR YAKIMA,
WASHINGTON, MOUNT ST. HELENS'
VOLCANO ERUPTED VIOLENTLY,

WASHINGTON, MOUNT ST. HELENS'
VOLCANO ERUPTED VIOLENTLY,
RELEASING A DINOSAUR WHO CAME

VOLCANO ERUPTED VIOLENTLY,
RELEASING A DINOSAUR WHO CAME
OUT AND ATE A COUPLE OF GUYS.

RELEASING A DINOSAUR WHO CAME
OUT AND ATE A COUPLE OF GUYS.
IT WAS REALLY COOL.

OUT AND ATE A COUPLE OF GUYS.
IT WAS REALLY COOL.
IT KILLED A BUNCH OF

IT WAS REALLY COOL.
IT KILLED A BUNCH OF
ARMY GUYS TOO.

IT KILLED A BUNCH OF
ARMY GUYS TOO.
IN AN EXCITING SUDDEN DEATH

ARMY GUYS TOO.
IN AN EXCITING SUDDEN DEATH
OVERTIME GAME TODAY,

IN AN EXCITING SUDDEN DEATH
OVERTIME GAME TODAY,
THE NEW YORK ISLANDERS DEFEATED

OVERTIME GAME TODAY,
THE NEW YORK ISLANDERS DEFEATED
THE PHILADELPHIA FLYERS, 5-4,

THE NEW YORK ISLANDERS DEFEATED
THE PHILADELPHIA FLYERS, 5-4,
TO WIN THE STANLEY CUP.

THE PHILADELPHIA FLYERS, 5-4,
TO WIN THE STANLEY CUP.
THE LEAGUE HAS ANNOUNCED THAT

TO WIN THE STANLEY CUP.
THE LEAGUE HAS ANNOUNCED THAT
THE SEVENTH GAME WILL BE PLAYED

THE LEAGUE HAS ANNOUNCED THAT
THE SEVENTH GAME WILL BE PLAYED
ON TUESDAY, BUT ONLY IF IT'S

THE SEVENTH GAME WILL BE PLAYED
ON TUESDAY, BUT ONLY IF IT'S
ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY.

ON TUESDAY, BUT ONLY IF IT'S
ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY.
[LAUGHTER]

ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY.
[LAUGHTER]
AND ANITA BRYANT...

[LAUGHTER]
AND ANITA BRYANT...
IS AVAILABLE.

AND ANITA BRYANT...
IS AVAILABLE.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IS AVAILABLE.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
MY COUSIN SALLY HUGHES

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
MY COUSIN SALLY HUGHES
IS GETTING MARRIED TODAY.

MY COUSIN SALLY HUGHES
IS GETTING MARRIED TODAY.
I COULDN'T BE THERE.

IS GETTING MARRIED TODAY.
I COULDN'T BE THERE.
SALLY AND KEVIN, COULD YOU

I COULDN'T BE THERE.
SALLY AND KEVIN, COULD YOU
GET IN THE MIDDLE?

SALLY AND KEVIN, COULD YOU
GET IN THE MIDDLE?
WELL, GET IN TIGHT THEN

GET IN THE MIDDLE?
WELL, GET IN TIGHT THEN
IF YOU'RE ALL GONNA BE

WELL, GET IN TIGHT THEN
IF YOU'RE ALL GONNA BE
IN THE SHOT.

IF YOU'RE ALL GONNA BE
IN THE SHOT.
ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU.

IN THE SHOT.
ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU.
SORRY I COULDN'T BE THERE.

ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU.
SORRY I COULDN'T BE THERE.
ART IS BIG NEWS THIS WEEK...

SORRY I COULDN'T BE THERE.
ART IS BIG NEWS THIS WEEK...
SO I WON A BET, BIG DEAL.

ART IS BIG NEWS THIS WEEK...
SO I WON A BET, BIG DEAL.
WHAT DO YOU ALL CARE?

SO I WON A BET, BIG DEAL.
WHAT DO YOU ALL CARE?
ART IS BIG NEWS THIS WEEK,

WHAT DO YOU ALL CARE?
ART IS BIG NEWS THIS WEEK,
AND FOR THE STROKES THAT

ART IS BIG NEWS THIS WEEK,
AND FOR THE STROKES THAT
ATTRACTED SOME DIFFERENT FOLKS,

AND FOR THE STROKES THAT
ATTRACTED SOME DIFFERENT FOLKS,
HERE IS JACK PERKINS.

ATTRACTED SOME DIFFERENT FOLKS,
HERE IS JACK PERKINS.
JACK?

HERE IS JACK PERKINS.
JACK?
BILL, A BIG ART EXHIBIT

JACK?
BILL, A BIG ART EXHIBIT
OPENED THIS WEEK HERE

BILL, A BIG ART EXHIBIT
OPENED THIS WEEK HERE
IN NEW YORK CITY.

OPENED THIS WEEK HERE
IN NEW YORK CITY.
IT'S ATTRACTING LARGE CROWDS

IN NEW YORK CITY.
IT'S ATTRACTING LARGE CROWDS
AND IT IS A STUNNING LOOK BACK

IT'S ATTRACTING LARGE CROWDS
AND IT IS A STUNNING LOOK BACK
AT ONE MAN'S LIFE ON

AND IT IS A STUNNING LOOK BACK
AT ONE MAN'S LIFE ON
THE PAINTER'S STOOL.

AT ONE MAN'S LIFE ON
THE PAINTER'S STOOL.
AND IT HAS NOTHING TO DO

THE PAINTER'S STOOL.
AND IT HAS NOTHING TO DO
WITH PABLO PICASSO.

AND IT HAS NOTHING TO DO
WITH PABLO PICASSO.
FROM NOW THROUGH SEPTEMBER

WITH PABLO PICASSO.
FROM NOW THROUGH SEPTEMBER
1st, NEW YORK'S GALLERY OF

FROM NOW THROUGH SEPTEMBER
1st, NEW YORK'S GALLERY OF
MODERN ART HAS BEEN TOTALLY

1st, NEW YORK'S GALLERY OF
MODERN ART HAS BEEN TOTALLY
TURNED OVER TO THE WORKS

MODERN ART HAS BEEN TOTALLY
TURNED OVER TO THE WORKS
OF A MODERN MASTER,

TURNED OVER TO THE WORKS
OF A MODERN MASTER,
WALTER KEANE.

OF A MODERN MASTER,
WALTER KEANE.
THIS 1959 LANDMARK, "DOLLFACE"

WALTER KEANE.
THIS 1959 LANDMARK, "DOLLFACE"
IS PUBLICLY VISIBLE FOR THE

THIS 1959 LANDMARK, "DOLLFACE"
IS PUBLICLY VISIBLE FOR THE
FIRST TIME SINCE IT WAS SOLD

IS PUBLICLY VISIBLE FOR THE
FIRST TIME SINCE IT WAS SOLD
TO MOTEL MILLIONAIRE

FIRST TIME SINCE IT WAS SOLD
TO MOTEL MILLIONAIRE
JORGE ROMADA.

TO MOTEL MILLIONAIRE
JORGE ROMADA.
AND NEW YORKERS SEEM TO LIKE

JORGE ROMADA.
AND NEW YORKERS SEEM TO LIKE
WHAT THEY'RE SEEING.

AND NEW YORKERS SEEM TO LIKE
WHAT THEY'RE SEEING.
FOR TWO REASONS I LOVE HIM,

WHAT THEY'RE SEEING.
FOR TWO REASONS I LOVE HIM,
ALL RIGHT.

FOR TWO REASONS I LOVE HIM,
ALL RIGHT.
I LOVE HIM FOR TWO REASONS

ALL RIGHT.
I LOVE HIM FOR TWO REASONS
AND I'LL TELL YOU WHAT THEY ARE.

I LOVE HIM FOR TWO REASONS
AND I'LL TELL YOU WHAT THEY ARE.
YOU HAVE A MINUTE?

AND I'LL TELL YOU WHAT THEY ARE.
YOU HAVE A MINUTE?
A, IS THE FIRST REASON, OKAY.

YOU HAVE A MINUTE?
A, IS THE FIRST REASON, OKAY.
A-BECAUSE THE MAN KNOWS

A, IS THE FIRST REASON, OKAY.
A-BECAUSE THE MAN KNOWS
WHAT HE WANTS TO DO.

A- BECAUSE THE MAN KNOWS
WHAT HE WANTS TO DO.
HOW MANY PEOPLE TODAY KNOW...

WHAT HE WANTS TO DO.
HOW MANY PEOPLE TODAY KNOW...
THE PRESIDENT AND EVERYTHING...

HOW MANY PEOPLE TODAY KNOW...
THE PRESIDENT AND EVERYTHING...
AND TWO, THE SECOND REASON,

THE PRESIDENT AND EVERYTHING...
AND TWO, THE SECOND REASON,
A AND TWO, THE SECOND REASON IS

AND TWO, THE SECOND REASON,
A AND TWO, THE SECOND REASON IS
THAT HE DOES IT, OKAY?

A AND TWO, THE SECOND REASON IS
THAT HE DOES IT, OKAY?
WHAT'S AMAZING IS THE

THAT HE DOES IT, OKAY?
WHAT'S AMAZING IS THE
PRECISION...

WHAT'S AMAZING IS THE
PRECISION...
AND THE CONSISTENCY.

PRECISION...
AND THE CONSISTENCY.
THE PRECISION AND THE

AND THE CONSISTENCY.
THE PRECISION AND THE
CONSISTENCY, IT'S AMAZING.

THE PRECISION AND THE
CONSISTENCY, IT'S AMAZING.
MY PERSONAL FAVORITES

CONSISTENCY, IT'S AMAZING.
MY PERSONAL FAVORITES
WERE THE ONES WITH THE KIDS.

MY PERSONAL FAVORITES
WERE THE ONES WITH THE KIDS.
THAT GUY MUST REALLY LIKE KIDS.

WERE THE ONES WITH THE KIDS.
THAT GUY MUST REALLY LIKE KIDS.
Jack: "SUMMERTIME NEWS BOY"

THAT GUY MUST REALLY LIKE KIDS.
Jack: "SUMMERTIME NEWS BOY"
SOLD FOR $2 MILLION

Jack: "SUMMERTIME NEWS BOY"
SOLD FOR $2 MILLION
JUST LAST YEAR TO A SAUDI

SOLD FOR $2 MILLION
JUST LAST YEAR TO A SAUDI
ARABIAN BROADCASTING EXECUTIVE.

JUST LAST YEAR TO A SAUDI
ARABIAN BROADCASTING EXECUTIVE.
THE LAST TIME IT WILL BE SEEN

ARABIAN BROADCASTING EXECUTIVE.
THE LAST TIME IT WILL BE SEEN
IN THIS COUNTRY IS AT

THE LAST TIME IT WILL BE SEEN
IN THIS COUNTRY IS AT
THIS EXHIBITION.

IN THIS COUNTRY IS AT
THIS EXHIBITION.
OH, IT'S AN INCREDIBLE

THIS EXHIBITION.
OH, IT'S AN INCREDIBLE
EXPERIENCE.

OH, IT'S AN INCREDIBLE
EXPERIENCE.
HIS WHOLE BODY OF WORK

EXPERIENCE.
HIS WHOLE BODY OF WORK
IS IN THERE.

HIS WHOLE BODY OF WORK
IS IN THERE.
YOU CAN BEGIN WITH THE EARLY

IS IN THERE.
YOU CAN BEGIN WITH THE EARLY
PRIMITIVENESS PERIOD WHERE

YOU CAN BEGIN WITH THE EARLY
PRIMITIVENESS PERIOD WHERE
THE EYES FIRST BEGIN TO GET BIG

PRIMITIVENESS PERIOD WHERE
THE EYES FIRST BEGIN TO GET BIG
AND FOLLOW STRAIGHT THROUGH

THE EYES FIRST BEGIN TO GET BIG
AND FOLLOW STRAIGHT THROUGH
TO THE LATE TRADITIONALIST,

AND FOLLOW STRAIGHT THROUGH
TO THE LATE TRADITIONALIST,
WHERE THEY THREATEN TO JUMP

TO THE LATE TRADITIONALIST,
WHERE THEY THREATEN TO JUMP
RIGHT OFF THE CANVAS AND ENGULF

WHERE THEY THREATEN TO JUMP
RIGHT OFF THE CANVAS AND ENGULF
YOU.

RIGHT OFF THE CANVAS AND ENGULF
YOU.
IT'S QUITE AN AFTERNOON.

YOU.
IT'S QUITE AN AFTERNOON.
Jack: AND THERE IS

IT'S QUITE AN AFTERNOON.
Jack: AND THERE IS
CONTROVERSY.

Jack: AND THERE IS
CONTROVERSY.
THE PORTRAITS, PRESIDENTS OF

CONTROVERSY.
THE PORTRAITS, PRESIDENTS OF
THE '60s AND '70s THAT KEANE

THE PORTRAITS, PRESIDENTS OF
THE '60s AND '70s THAT KEANE
WAS COMMISSIONED TO PAINT

THE '60s AND '70s THAT KEANE
WAS COMMISSIONED TO PAINT
FOR SOME COMMEMORATIVE STAMPS.

WAS COMMISSIONED TO PAINT
FOR SOME COMMEMORATIVE STAMPS.
THANKS TO A BATTLE IN CONGRESS,

FOR SOME COMMEMORATIVE STAMPS.
THANKS TO A BATTLE IN CONGRESS,
THE STAMPS NEVER CAME OUT, BUT

THANKS TO A BATTLE IN CONGRESS,
THE STAMPS NEVER CAME OUT, BUT
HERE FOR ALL TO SEE AND LINGER

THE STAMPS NEVER CAME OUT, BUT
HERE FOR ALL TO SEE AND LINGER
OVER AND THINK ABOUT ARE

HERE FOR ALL TO SEE AND LINGER
OVER AND THINK ABOUT ARE
YESTERDAY'S LEADERS SEEN

OVER AND THINK ABOUT ARE
YESTERDAY'S LEADERS SEEN
THROUGH THAT SPECIAL PRISM

YESTERDAY'S LEADERS SEEN
THROUGH THAT SPECIAL PRISM
OF THE KEANE GENIUS.

MR. KEANE WAS EXTREMELY
GENEROUS.

GENEROUS.
WE HAD FINE COOPERATION FROM

WE HAD FINE COOPERATION FROM
THE STAATSMUSEUM IN AMSTERDAM

THE STAATSMUSEUM IN AMSTERDAM
AND FRANKLY, THE REVENUE FROM A
BLOCKBUSTER SHOW LIKE THIS

AND FRANKLY, THE REVENUE FROM A
BLOCKBUSTER SHOW LIKE THIS
WILL HELP SUBSIDIZE OUR SURVEY

BLOCKBUSTER SHOW LIKE THIS
WILL HELP SUBSIDIZE OUR SURVEY
OF CLOWNS ON VELVET LATER

WILL HELP SUBSIDIZE OUR SURVEY
OF CLOWNS ON VELVET LATER
THIS YEAR.

OF CLOWNS ON VELVET LATER
THIS YEAR.
WE'RE VERY PLEASED.

THIS YEAR.
WE'RE VERY PLEASED.
I RAN INTO A LITTLE GIRL

WE'RE VERY PLEASED.
I RAN INTO A LITTLE GIRL
OUTSIDE THE GALLERY.

I RAN INTO A LITTLE GIRL
OUTSIDE THE GALLERY.
HER MOTHER HAD JUST TAKEN HER

OUTSIDE THE GALLERY.
HER MOTHER HAD JUST TAKEN HER
THROUGH THIS EXHIBIT.

HER MOTHER HAD JUST TAKEN HER
THROUGH THIS EXHIBIT.
IT IS A LARGE ONE, SOME 7,000

THROUGH THIS EXHIBIT.
IT IS A LARGE ONE, SOME 7,000
PAINTINGS, SKETCHES, GREETING

IT IS A LARGE ONE, SOME 7,000
PAINTINGS, SKETCHES, GREETING
CARDS AND DITTO MASTERS,

PAINTINGS, SKETCHES, GREETING
CARDS AND DITTO MASTERS,
AND THIS LITTLE GIRL HAD

CARDS AND DITTO MASTERS,
AND THIS LITTLE GIRL HAD
SEEN IT ALL, OR MOST OF IT,

AND THIS LITTLE GIRL HAD
SEEN IT ALL, OR MOST OF IT,
AND SHE LOOKED UP TO HER MOTHER

SEEN IT ALL, OR MOST OF IT,
AND SHE LOOKED UP TO HER MOTHER
WITH HER REGULAR-SIZED EYES

AND SHE LOOKED UP TO HER MOTHER
WITH HER REGULAR-SIZED EYES
AND SHE SAID, "MOMMY, THAT MAN

WITH HER REGULAR-SIZED EYES
AND SHE SAID, "MOMMY, THAT MAN
DOESN'T KNOW HOW PEOPLE LOOK."

AND SHE SAID, "MOMMY, THAT MAN
DOESN'T KNOW HOW PEOPLE LOOK."
WELL, IF WE ARE ALL VERY LUCKY,

DOESN'T KNOW HOW PEOPLE LOOK."
WELL, IF WE ARE ALL VERY LUCKY,
HE NEVER WILL.

WELL, IF WE ARE ALL VERY LUCKY,
HE NEVER WILL.
BILL?

HE NEVER WILL.
BILL?
[APPLAUSE]

BILL?
[APPLAUSE]
SOUNDS LIKE A

[APPLAUSE]
SOUNDS LIKE A
CAN'T MISS SHOW.

SOUNDS LIKE A
CAN'T MISS SHOW.
I HAVE TO TAKE THE KIDS.

CAN'T MISS SHOW.
I HAVE TO TAKE THE KIDS.
THE NATIONAL HIGHWAY SAFETY

I HAVE TO TAKE THE KIDS.
THE NATIONAL HIGHWAY SAFETY
COUNCIL FOR THE FIRST TIME

THE NATIONAL HIGHWAY SAFETY
COUNCIL FOR THE FIRST TIME
IN HISTORY HAS PREDICTED THERE

COUNCIL FOR THE FIRST TIME
IN HISTORY HAS PREDICTED THERE
WILL BE ABSOLUTELY NO DEATHS

IN HISTORY HAS PREDICTED THERE
WILL BE ABSOLUTELY NO DEATHS
THIS HOLIDAY WEEKEND.

WILL BE ABSOLUTELY NO DEATHS
THIS HOLIDAY WEEKEND.
SO, GET DRUNK, DRIVE LIKE CRAZY,

THIS HOLIDAY WEEKEND.
SO, GET DRUNK, DRIVE LIKE CRAZY,
TAKE CHANCES, AND HAVE

SO, GET DRUNK, DRIVE LIKE CRAZY,
TAKE CHANCES, AND HAVE
A GREAT TIME.

TAKE CHANCES, AND HAVE
A GREAT TIME.
JANE?

A GREAT TIME.
JANE?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

JANE?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
MR. ZIP, THE SPOKESMAN

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
MR. ZIP, THE SPOKESMAN
FOR THE POSTAL SERVICE WHO

MR. ZIP, THE SPOKESMAN
FOR THE POSTAL SERVICE WHO
REMINDED PEOPLE TO USE

FOR THE POSTAL SERVICE WHO
REMINDED PEOPLE TO USE
THEIR ZIP CODES DIED TODAY

REMINDED PEOPLE TO USE
THEIR ZIP CODES DIED TODAY
OF PLEURISY.

THEIR ZIP CODES DIED TODAY
OF PLEURISY.
REDI-KILOWATT, THE SPOKESMAN

OF PLEURISY.
REDI-KILOWATT, THE SPOKESMAN
FOR THE ELECTRIC COMPANY

REDI-KILOWATT, THE SPOKESMAN
FOR THE ELECTRIC COMPANY
WILL FILL IN UNTIL

FOR THE ELECTRIC COMPANY
WILL FILL IN UNTIL
A REPLACEMENT IS FOUND.

WILL FILL IN UNTIL
A REPLACEMENT IS FOUND.
AFTER SEVEN MONTHS OF

A REPLACEMENT IS FOUND.
AFTER SEVEN MONTHS OF
NEGOTIATIONS AND THREATS,

AFTER SEVEN MONTHS OF
NEGOTIATIONS AND THREATS,
THE BASEBALL STRIKE WAS

NEGOTIATIONS AND THREATS,
THE BASEBALL STRIKE WAS
AVERTED BY A FINAL ALL NIGHT

THE BASEBALL STRIKE WAS
AVERTED BY A FINAL ALL NIGHT
BARGAINING SESSION.

AVERTED BY A FINAL ALL NIGHT
BARGAINING SESSION.
HERE WITH THAT IS "WEEKEND

BARGAINING SESSION.
HERE WITH THAT IS "WEEKEND
UPDATE'S" SPORTS CORRESPONDENT,

HERE WITH THAT IS "WEEKEND
UPDATE'S" SPORTS CORRESPONDENT,
CHICO ESCUELA.

UPDATE'S" SPORTS CORRESPONDENT,
CHICO ESCUELA.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

CHICO ESCUELA.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[IN ACCENT] THANK YOU, HANE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[IN ACCENT] THANK YOU, HANE.
CHICO, HOW DID THEY RESOLVE

[IN ACCENT] THANK YOU, HANE.
CHICO, HOW DID THEY RESOLVE
THEIR NEGOTIATIONS?

CHICO, HOW DID THEY RESOLVE
THEIR NEGOTIATIONS?
HANE, I DON'T WANT TO...

THEIR NEGOTIATIONS?
HANE, I DON'T WANT TO...
HOW DO YOU SAY... BRAG,

HANE, I DON'T WANT TO...
HOW DO YOU SAY... BRAG,
BUT I GOT THE BASEBALL

HOW DO YOU SAY... BRAG,
BUT I GOT THE BASEBALL
PLAYERS AND THE BASEBALL

BUT I GOT THE BASEBALL
PLAYERS AND THE BASEBALL
OWNERS TOGETHER.

PLAYERS AND THE BASEBALL
OWNERS TOGETHER.
YOU?

OWNERS TOGETHER.
YOU?
YES, YES, YES, ME.

YOU?
YES, YES, YES, ME.
THURSDAY 4:00 A.M. BOWIE, BOWIE,

YES, YES, YES, ME.
THURSDAY 4:00 A.M. BOWIE, BOWIE,
BOWIE KUHN CALL ME FOR HELP.

THURSDAY 4:00 A.M. BOWIE, BOWIE,
BOWIE KUHN CALL ME FOR HELP.
SO I SAT DOWN WITH THEM

BOWIE KUHN CALL ME FOR HELP.
SO I SAT DOWN WITH THEM
AND I SAY TO THE PLAYERS,

SO I SAT DOWN WITH THEM
AND I SAY TO THE PLAYERS,
"BOYS, BASEBALL HAS BEEN

AND I SAY TO THE PLAYERS,
"BOYS, BASEBALL HAS BEEN
BERRY, BERRY GOOD TO YOU."

"BOYS, BASEBALL HAS BEEN
BERRY, BERRY GOOD TO YOU."
[APPLAUSE]

BERRY, BERRY GOOD TO YOU."
[APPLAUSE]
AND THEN I SAID TO THE OWNERS,

[APPLAUSE]
AND THEN I SAID TO THE OWNERS,
"OWNERS, BASEBALL HAS BEEN

AND THEN I SAID TO THE OWNERS,
"OWNERS, BASEBALL HAS BEEN
BERRY, BERRY GOOD TO YOU TOO."

"OWNERS, BASEBALL HAS BEEN
BERRY, BERRY GOOD TO YOU TOO."
SO IF BASEBALL HAS BEEN GOOD

BERRY, BERRY GOOD TO YOU TOO."
SO IF BASEBALL HAS BEEN GOOD
TO BOTH SIDES, THEN BOTH SIDES

SO IF BASEBALL HAS BEEN GOOD
TO BOTH SIDES, THEN BOTH SIDES
MUST BE GOOD TO BASEBALL!

TO BOTH SIDES, THEN BOTH SIDES
MUST BE GOOD TO BASEBALL!
SO CUT THE CRAP AND PLAY BALL.

MUST BE GOOD TO BASEBALL!
SO CUT THE CRAP AND PLAY BALL.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SO CUT THE CRAP AND PLAY BALL.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THEN THEY SHOOK HANDS

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THEN THEY SHOOK HANDS
AND NO STRIKE...

THEN THEY SHOOK HANDS
AND NO STRIKE...
STRIKE OUT, HA!

AND NO STRIKE...
STRIKE OUT, HA!
BOTH SIDES RETIRED,

STRIKE OUT, HA!
BOTH SIDES RETIRED,
AND CHICO FIX BASEBALL,

BOTH SIDES RETIRED,
AND CHICO FIX BASEBALL,
AND CHICO FIX BASEBALL,

AND CHICO FIX BASEBALL,
AND CHICO FIX BASEBALL,
AND NEXT WEEK CHICO FIX

AND CHICO FIX BASEBALL,
AND NEXT WEEK CHICO FIX
HORSERACING.

AND NEXT WEEK CHICO FIX
HORSERACING.
[LAUGHTER]

HORSERACING.
[LAUGHTER]
BACK TO YOU, HANE.

[LAUGHTER]
BACK TO YOU, HANE.
[APPLAUSE]

BACK TO YOU, HANE.
[APPLAUSE]
I GUESS WE ALL OWE YOU

[APPLAUSE]
I GUESS WE ALL OWE YOU
A LOT CHICO, THANK YOU.

I GUESS WE ALL OWE YOU
A LOT CHICO, THANK YOU.
A FEDERAL JUDGE RULED YESTERDAY

A LOT CHICO, THANK YOU.
A FEDERAL JUDGE RULED YESTERDAY
THAT EVEN THOUGH AMERICAN

A FEDERAL JUDGE RULED YESTERDAY
THAT EVEN THOUGH AMERICAN
AIRLINES WAS THE OPERATOR OF

THAT EVEN THOUGH AMERICAN
AIRLINES WAS THE OPERATOR OF
THE DC-10 THAT KILLED 273

AIRLINES WAS THE OPERATOR OF
THE DC-10 THAT KILLED 273
PERSONS LAST YEAR IN CHICAGO,

THE DC-10 THAT KILLED 273
PERSONS LAST YEAR IN CHICAGO,
THE COMPANY IS IMMUNE FROM

PERSONS LAST YEAR IN CHICAGO,
THE COMPANY IS IMMUNE FROM
PAYING PUNITIVE DAMAGES.

THE COMPANY IS IMMUNE FROM
PAYING PUNITIVE DAMAGES.
THE REASON?

PAYING PUNITIVE DAMAGES.
THE REASON?
AT THE TIME OF THE CRASH,

THE REASON?
AT THE TIME OF THE CRASH,
AMERICAN AIRLINES WAS

AT THE TIME OF THE CRASH,
AMERICAN AIRLINES WAS
HEADQUARTERED IN NEW YORK, WHICH

AMERICAN AIRLINES WAS
HEADQUARTERED IN NEW YORK, WHICH
PROHIBITS PUNITIVE DAMAGES.

HEADQUARTERED IN NEW YORK, WHICH
PROHIBITS PUNITIVE DAMAGES.
NEW YORK MAYOR ED KOCH CALLED

PROHIBITS PUNITIVE DAMAGES.
NEW YORK MAYOR ED KOCH CALLED
THE RULING, QUOTE, "JUST ANOTHER

NEW YORK MAYOR ED KOCH CALLED
THE RULING, QUOTE, "JUST ANOTHER
REASON TO RELOCATE YOUR BUSINESS

THE RULING, QUOTE, "JUST ANOTHER
REASON TO RELOCATE YOUR BUSINESS
IN NEW YORK".

REASON TO RELOCATE YOUR BUSINESS
IN NEW YORK".
BILL?

IN NEW YORK".
BILL?
IN SOUTH KOREA,

BILL?
IN SOUTH KOREA,
DEMONSTRATIONS AGAINST

IN SOUTH KOREA,
DEMONSTRATIONS AGAINST
THE MILITARY DICTATORSHIP

DEMONSTRATIONS AGAINST
THE MILITARY DICTATORSHIP
OF LIEUTENANT GENERAL

THE MILITARY DICTATORSHIP
OF LIEUTENANT GENERAL
CHON TOO HWAN, HAVE LED TO

OF LIEUTENANT GENERAL
CHON TOO HWAN, HAVE LED TO
WIDE SCALE VIOLENCE.

CHON TOO HWAN, HAVE LED TO
WIDE SCALE VIOLENCE.
CHON'S MILITARY POLICE ARE

WIDE SCALE VIOLENCE.
CHON'S MILITARY POLICE ARE
RESPONDING WITH BRUTALITY

CHON'S MILITARY POLICE ARE
RESPONDING WITH BRUTALITY
AND RAPE AND REPORTEDLY KILLING

RESPONDING WITH BRUTALITY
AND RAPE AND REPORTEDLY KILLING
HUNDREDS OF PROTESTERS.

AND RAPE AND REPORTEDLY KILLING
HUNDREDS OF PROTESTERS.
MILITARY PERSONNEL ARE

HUNDREDS OF PROTESTERS.
MILITARY PERSONNEL ARE
REPORTEDLY LOOKING FORWARD

MILITARY PERSONNEL ARE
REPORTEDLY LOOKING FORWARD
TO MISS UNIVERSE PAGEANT TO BE

REPORTEDLY LOOKING FORWARD
TO MISS UNIVERSE PAGEANT TO BE
HELD IN SOUTH KOREA THIS JULY.

TO MISS UNIVERSE PAGEANT TO BE
HELD IN SOUTH KOREA THIS JULY.
AND AMERICANS RESPONDED

HELD IN SOUTH KOREA THIS JULY.
AND AMERICANS RESPONDED
TOO ENTHUSIASTICALLY

AND AMERICANS RESPONDED
TOO ENTHUSIASTICALLY
TO PRESIDENT CARTER'S REQUEST

TOO ENTHUSIASTICALLY
TO PRESIDENT CARTER'S REQUEST
A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO THAT WE

TO PRESIDENT CARTER'S REQUEST
A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO THAT WE
CURB OUR BORROWING ON CREDIT

A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO THAT WE
CURB OUR BORROWING ON CREDIT
CARDS AND THE GOVERNMENT

CURB OUR BORROWING ON CREDIT
CARDS AND THE GOVERNMENT
IS ONCE AGAIN ENCOURAGING

CARDS AND THE GOVERNMENT
IS ONCE AGAIN ENCOURAGING
CREDIT CARD SPENDING.

IS ONCE AGAIN ENCOURAGING
CREDIT CARD SPENDING.
IN FACT, YESTERDAY CUSTOMS

CREDIT CARD SPENDING.
IN FACT, YESTERDAY CUSTOMS
OFFICIALS HANDED OUT CARTE

IN FACT, YESTERDAY CUSTOMS
OFFICIALS HANDED OUT CARTE
BLANCHE CARDS TO ALL 60,000

OFFICIALS HANDED OUT CARTE
BLANCHE CARDS TO ALL 60,000
CUBAN REFUGEES.

BLANCHE CARDS TO ALL 60,000
CUBAN REFUGEES.
JANE?

CUBAN REFUGEES.
JANE?
THE STATE OF WASHINGTON HAS

JANE?
THE STATE OF WASHINGTON HAS
BEEN DECLARED A DISASTER AREA

THE STATE OF WASHINGTON HAS
BEEN DECLARED A DISASTER AREA
BECAUSE OF THE VOLCANIC ACTIVITY

BEEN DECLARED A DISASTER AREA
BECAUSE OF THE VOLCANIC ACTIVITY
THAT TOOK PLACE EARLIER

BECAUSE OF THE VOLCANIC ACTIVITY
THAT TOOK PLACE EARLIER
THIS WEEK.

THAT TOOK PLACE EARLIER
THIS WEEK.
HERE TO EXPLAIN THIS PHENOMENON

THIS WEEK.
HERE TO EXPLAIN THIS PHENOMENON
IS "UPDATE" CORRESPONDENT

HERE TO EXPLAIN THIS PHENOMENON
IS "UPDATE" CORRESPONDENT
ROSANNE ROSEANNADANNA.

IS "UPDATE" CORRESPONDENT
ROSANNE ROSEANNADANNA.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ROSANNE ROSEANNADANNA.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANKS A LOT JANE,

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANKS A LOT JANE,
THANKS A LOT.

THANKS A LOT JANE,
THANKS A LOT.
A MR. RICHARD FEDER OF

THANKS A LOT.
A MR. RICHARD FEDER OF
MOUNT ST. HELENS, WASHINGTON,

A MR. RICHARD FEDER OF
MOUNT ST. HELENS, WASHINGTON,
WRITES IN AND SAYS,

MOUNT ST. HELENS, WASHINGTON,
WRITES IN AND SAYS,
DEAR ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA,

WRITES IN AND SAYS,
DEAR ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA,
WELL, I FINALLY TOOK

DEAR ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA,
WELL, I FINALLY TOOK
YOUR ADVICE AND MOVED.

WELL, I FINALLY TOOK
YOUR ADVICE AND MOVED.
YOU SHOULD SEE THIS PLACE.

YOUR ADVICE AND MOVED.
YOU SHOULD SEE THIS PLACE.
EVERYTHING IS COVERED WITH

YOU SHOULD SEE THIS PLACE.
EVERYTHING IS COVERED WITH
MOLTEN LAVA, SMOLDERING ASH,

EVERYTHING IS COVERED WITH
MOLTEN LAVA, SMOLDERING ASH,
SOOT, RED HOT MUD FLOWS,

MOLTEN LAVA, SMOLDERING ASH,
SOOT, RED HOT MUD FLOWS,
CHARRED DEBRIS, CLOUDS OF

SOOT, RED HOT MUD FLOWS,
CHARRED DEBRIS, CLOUDS OF
BLACK SMOKE AND DUST,

CHARRED DEBRIS, CLOUDS OF
BLACK SMOKE AND DUST,
AND TOXIC FUMES.

BLACK SMOKE AND DUST,
AND TOXIC FUMES.
I'M HOMESICK.

AND TOXIC FUMES.
I'M HOMESICK.
ROSEANNE, THIS PLACE IS

I'M HOMESICK.
ROSEANNE, THIS PLACE IS
JUST LIKE NEW JERSEY.

ROSEANNE, THIS PLACE IS
JUST LIKE NEW JERSEY.
[LAUGHTER]

JUST LIKE NEW JERSEY.
[LAUGHTER]
WHAT SHOULD I DO?

[LAUGHTER]
WHAT SHOULD I DO?
WELL, MR. FEDER, I KNOW

WHAT SHOULD I DO?
WELL, MR. FEDER, I KNOW
EXACTLY WHAT'S GOING ON

WELL, MR. FEDER, I KNOW
EXACTLY WHAT'S GOING ON
IN MOUNT ST. HELENS 'CAUSE I,

EXACTLY WHAT'S GOING ON
IN MOUNT ST. HELENS 'CAUSE I,
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA,

IN MOUNT ST. HELENS 'CAUSE I,
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA,
ONCE TOOK A COURSE IN GEOLOGY.

ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA,
ONCE TOOK A COURSE IN GEOLOGY.
YOU SEE, MR. FEDER, THE EARTH

ONCE TOOK A COURSE IN GEOLOGY.
YOU SEE, MR. FEDER, THE EARTH
IS JUST LIKE YOUR BODY.

YOU SEE, MR. FEDER, THE EARTH
IS JUST LIKE YOUR BODY.
ON THE OUTSIDE, IT'S NICE AND

IS JUST LIKE YOUR BODY.
ON THE OUTSIDE, IT'S NICE AND
SMOOTH AND CUTE WITH DIMPLES

ON THE OUTSIDE, IT'S NICE AND
SMOOTH AND CUTE WITH DIMPLES
AND EVERYTHING, BUT UNDERNEATH,

SMOOTH AND CUTE WITH DIMPLES
AND EVERYTHING, BUT UNDERNEATH,
THERE'S ALL THIS HOT GAS AND

AND EVERYTHING, BUT UNDERNEATH,
THERE'S ALL THIS HOT GAS AND
WEIRD STUFF THAT'S SWIRLING

THERE'S ALL THIS HOT GAS AND
WEIRD STUFF THAT'S SWIRLING
AROUND JUST DYING TO GET OUT

WEIRD STUFF THAT'S SWIRLING
AROUND JUST DYING TO GET OUT
AND STINK UP EVERYTHING.

AROUND JUST DYING TO GET OUT
AND STINK UP EVERYTHING.
WHEN YOU SEE A GEYSER SHOOTING

AND STINK UP EVERYTHING.
WHEN YOU SEE A GEYSER SHOOTING
IN THE AIR, IT'S JUST LIKE THE

WHEN YOU SEE A GEYSER SHOOTING
IN THE AIR, IT'S JUST LIKE THE
EARTH DRANK A LOT OF SODA AND

IN THE AIR, IT'S JUST LIKE THE
EARTH DRANK A LOT OF SODA AND
IT'S BELCHING LIKE A PIG.

EARTH DRANK A LOT OF SODA AND
IT'S BELCHING LIKE A PIG.
OR IF THERE'S FLOODS, IT'S JUST

IT'S BELCHING LIKE A PIG.
OR IF THERE'S FLOODS, IT'S JUST
LIKE IF THE EARTH RAN AROUND

OR IF THERE'S FLOODS, IT'S JUST
LIKE IF THE EARTH RAN AROUND
THE BLOCK AND STARTED SWEATIN'

LIKE IF THE EARTH RAN AROUND
THE BLOCK AND STARTED SWEATIN'
LIKE A PIG.

THE BLOCK AND STARTED SWEATIN'
LIKE A PIG.
SO, YOUR MISTAKE, MR. FEDER,

LIKE A PIG.
SO, YOUR MISTAKE, MR. FEDER,
WAS BEING STUPID ENOUGH

SO, YOUR MISTAKE, MR. FEDER,
WAS BEING STUPID ENOUGH
TO PACK UP YOUR FAMILY AND

WAS BEING STUPID ENOUGH
TO PACK UP YOUR FAMILY AND
MOVE NEXT TO A BIG PIMPLE.

TO PACK UP YOUR FAMILY AND
MOVE NEXT TO A BIG PIMPLE.
THAT WAS REAL DUMB.

MOVE NEXT TO A BIG PIMPLE.
THAT WAS REAL DUMB.
SOONER OR LATER THOSE THINGS

THAT WAS REAL DUMB.
SOONER OR LATER THOSE THINGS
GOT TO POP.

SOONER OR LATER THOSE THINGS
GOT TO POP.
ANYTHING THAT'S PRESSED

GOT TO POP.
ANYTHING THAT'S PRESSED
THAT TIGHTLY EVENTUALLY

ANYTHING THAT'S PRESSED
THAT TIGHTLY EVENTUALLY
GOTTA BURST.

THAT TIGHTLY EVENTUALLY
GOTTA BURST.
LIKE RECENTLY, I,

GOTTA BURST.
LIKE RECENTLY, I,
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA,

LIKE RECENTLY, I,
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA,
WAS INVITED TO A SPECIAL

ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA,
WAS INVITED TO A SPECIAL
SCREENING OF THIS NEW FILM

WAS INVITED TO A SPECIAL
SCREENING OF THIS NEW FILM
CALLED, THE GONG SHOW MOVIE.

SCREENING OF THIS NEW FILM
CALLED, THE GONG SHOW MOVIE.
A SCREENING IS WHEN EVERYONE

CALLED, THE GONG SHOW MOVIE.
A SCREENING IS WHEN EVERYONE
WHO'S ANYONE GOES TO A MOVIE

A SCREENING IS WHEN EVERYONE
WHO'S ANYONE GOES TO A MOVIE
THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT JUST SO

WHO'S ANYONE GOES TO A MOVIE
THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT JUST SO
THEY CAN GET IN FREE.

THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT JUST SO
THEY CAN GET IN FREE.
WELL, I'M SITTIN' THERE WHEN

THEY CAN GET IN FREE.
WELL, I'M SITTIN' THERE WHEN
WHO DO I SEE STANDING AROUND

WELL, I'M SITTIN' THERE WHEN
WHO DO I SEE STANDING AROUND
LIKE SHE OWNS THE PLACE, BUT

WHO DO I SEE STANDING AROUND
LIKE SHE OWNS THE PLACE, BUT
MISS DESIGNER JEANS HERSELF,

LIKE SHE OWNS THE PLACE, BUT
MISS DESIGNER JEANS HERSELF,
GLORIA VANDERBILT.

MISS DESIGNER JEANS HERSELF,
GLORIA VANDERBILT.
YOU KNOW, THAT HOT SHOT RICH

GLORIA VANDERBILT.
YOU KNOW, THAT HOT SHOT RICH
LADY WHO TOOK HER FAMILY'S

YOU KNOW, THAT HOT SHOT RICH
LADY WHO TOOK HER FAMILY'S
GOOD NAME AND PUT IT ON

LADY WHO TOOK HER FAMILY'S
GOOD NAME AND PUT IT ON
EVERY ASS IN AMERICA.

GOOD NAME AND PUT IT ON
EVERY ASS IN AMERICA.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

EVERY ASS IN AMERICA.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
SO THERE SHE IS AND SHE'S

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
SO THERE SHE IS AND SHE'S
ACTUALLY WEARING A PAIR

SO THERE SHE IS AND SHE'S
ACTUALLY WEARING A PAIR
OF HER OWN JEANS THAT ARE

ACTUALLY WEARING A PAIR
OF HER OWN JEANS THAT ARE
SO TIGHT THEY MAKE HER FACE

OF HER OWN JEANS THAT ARE
SO TIGHT THEY MAKE HER FACE
LOOK LIKE THIS:

SO TIGHT THEY MAKE HER FACE
LOOK LIKE THIS:
[LAUGHTER]

LOOK LIKE THIS:
[LAUGHTER]
SHE LOOKED LIKE MOUNT ST.

[LAUGHTER]
SHE LOOKED LIKE MOUNT ST.
VANDERBILT!

SHE LOOKED LIKE MOUNT ST.
VANDERBILT!
AND I'M POSITIVE SHE'S GOING

VANDERBILT!
AND I'M POSITIVE SHE'S GOING
TO ERUPT ANY SECOND.

AND I'M POSITIVE SHE'S GOING
TO ERUPT ANY SECOND.
PLUS, SHE DIDN'T SIT DOWN.

TO ERUPT ANY SECOND.
PLUS, SHE DIDN'T SIT DOWN.
SHE WAS JUST STANDING THERE

PLUS, SHE DIDN'T SIT DOWN.
SHE WAS JUST STANDING THERE
POSING LIKE THIS...

SHE WAS JUST STANDING THERE
POSING LIKE THIS...
AND LIKE THIS...

POSING LIKE THIS...
AND LIKE THIS...
LIKE SHE WAS SOME SORT

AND LIKE THIS...
LIKE SHE WAS SOME SORT
OF PEACOCK OR SOMETHING.

LIKE SHE WAS SOME SORT
OF PEACOCK OR SOMETHING.
SO I YELLED, "HEY, GLORIA!

OF PEACOCK OR SOMETHING.
SO I YELLED, "HEY, GLORIA!
SIT DOWN, THE MOVIE'S

SO I YELLED, "HEY, GLORIA!
SIT DOWN, THE MOVIE'S
GONNA START."

SIT DOWN, THE MOVIE'S
GONNA START."
BUT SHE JUST WOULDN'T SIT DOWN.

GONNA START."
BUT SHE JUST WOULDN'T SIT DOWN.
BETWEEN YOU AND ME,

BUT SHE JUST WOULDN'T SIT DOWN.
BETWEEN YOU AND ME,
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA,

BETWEEN YOU AND ME,
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA,
THIS JEAN QUEEN HAD ONE OF THOSE

ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA,
THIS JEAN QUEEN HAD ONE OF THOSE
ITCHES THAT I CAN'T SAY

THIS JEAN QUEEN HAD ONE OF THOSE
ITCHES THAT I CAN'T SAY
WHERE IT IS, BUT YOU SURE

ITCHES THAT I CAN'T SAY
WHERE IT IS, BUT YOU SURE
CAN'T SCRATCH IT IN PUBLIC.

WHERE IT IS, BUT YOU SURE
CAN'T SCRATCH IT IN PUBLIC.
AND SHE KEPT RUBBIN' HER BUTT

CAN'T SCRATCH IT IN PUBLIC.
AND SHE KEPT RUBBIN' HER BUTT
AGAINST THE WALL OF THE THEATER.

AND SHE KEPT RUBBIN' HER BUTT
AGAINST THE WALL OF THE THEATER.
AND SHE SAT ON THE ARMREST

AGAINST THE WALL OF THE THEATER.
AND SHE SAT ON THE ARMREST
NEXT TO HER SEAT AND SHE

AND SHE SAT ON THE ARMREST
NEXT TO HER SEAT AND SHE
BACKED INTO A DOORKNOB

NEXT TO HER SEAT AND SHE
BACKED INTO A DOORKNOB
AND SHE ASKED THE USHER

BACKED INTO A DOORKNOB
AND SHE ASKED THE USHER
FOR A FLASHLIGHT AND SHE

AND SHE ASKED THE USHER
FOR A FLASHLIGHT AND SHE
TRIED TO SIT ON HER FOOT

FOR A FLASHLIGHT AND SHE
TRIED TO SIT ON HER FOOT
AND SHE WAS SLIDING DOWN

TRIED TO SIT ON HER FOOT
AND SHE WAS SLIDING DOWN
SOME BANISTERS.

AND SHE WAS SLIDING DOWN
SOME BANISTERS.
SHE WAS GOING SO NUTS,

SOME BANISTERS.
SHE WAS GOING SO NUTS,
I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE!

SHE WAS GOING SO NUTS,
I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE!
I WANTED TO SEE THE MOVIE, SO

I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE!
I WANTED TO SEE THE MOVIE, SO
ME AND JESSICA SAVAGE DRAGGED

I WANTED TO SEE THE MOVIE, SO
ME AND JESSICA SAVAGE DRAGGED
HER INTO THE LADIES ROOM.

ME AND JESSICA SAVAGE DRAGGED
HER INTO THE LADIES ROOM.
AND IT TOOK US HALF AN HOUR

HER INTO THE LADIES ROOM.
AND IT TOOK US HALF AN HOUR
TO PRY HER PANTS OFF.

AND IT TOOK US HALF AN HOUR
TO PRY HER PANTS OFF.
THEN I GAVE HER MY HAIRBRUSH

TO PRY HER PANTS OFF.
THEN I GAVE HER MY HAIRBRUSH
AND SAID, "HERE GLORIA,

THEN I GAVE HER MY HAIRBRUSH
AND SAID, "HERE GLORIA,
HAVE YOURSELF A FIELD DAY."

AND SAID, "HERE GLORIA,
HAVE YOURSELF A FIELD DAY."
SHE TAKES THE BRUSH...

HAVE YOURSELF A FIELD DAY."
SHE TAKES THE BRUSH...
ROSEANNE.

SHE TAKES THE BRUSH...
ROSEANNE.
ROSEANNE!

ROSEANNE.
ROSEANNE!
[LAUGHTER]

UH-OH... HERE IT COMES AGAIN.
THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT,
I'M INTERRUPTING YOUR DISGUSTING

THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT,
I'M INTERRUPTING YOUR DISGUSTING
STORY ONCE AGAIN BECAUSE IT

I'M INTERRUPTING YOUR DISGUSTING
STORY ONCE AGAIN BECAUSE IT
HAS NOTHING WHATSOEVER TO DO

STORY ONCE AGAIN BECAUSE IT
HAS NOTHING WHATSOEVER TO DO
WITH VOLCANOES.

HAS NOTHING WHATSOEVER TO DO
WITH VOLCANOES.
[FART SOUND]

WITH VOLCANOES.
[FART SOUND]
WHAT?

[FART SOUND]
WHAT?
THAT'S RIGHT, I'M

WHAT?
THAT'S RIGHT, I'M
INTERRUPTING YOUR DISGUSTING

THAT'S RIGHT, I'M
INTERRUPTING YOUR DISGUSTING
STORY ONCE AGAIN BECAUSE

INTERRUPTING YOUR DISGUSTING
STORY ONCE AGAIN BECAUSE
IT HAS NOTHING TO DO

STORY ONCE AGAIN BECAUSE
IT HAS NOTHING TO DO
WITH VOLCANOES.

IT HAS NOTHING TO DO
WITH VOLCANOES.
[FART SOUND]

WITH VOLCANOES.
[FART SOUND]
WELL, JANE, IT JUST GOES

[FART SOUND]
WELL, JANE, IT JUST GOES
TO SHOW YOU IT'S ALWAYS

WELL, JANE, IT JUST GOES
TO SHOW YOU IT'S ALWAYS
SOMETHING.

TO SHOW YOU IT'S ALWAYS
SOMETHING.
IF IT'S NOT ONE THING,

SOMETHING.
IF IT'S NOT ONE THING,
IT'S ANOTHER.

IF IT'S NOT ONE THING,
IT'S ANOTHER.
EITHER A VOLCANO ERUPTS

IT'S ANOTHER.
EITHER A VOLCANO ERUPTS
OR JANE MAKES A DISGUSTING

EITHER A VOLCANO ERUPTS
OR JANE MAKES A DISGUSTING
SOUND WITH HER MOUTH 'CAUSE

OR JANE MAKES A DISGUSTING
SOUND WITH HER MOUTH 'CAUSE
SHE'S TRYING TO MAKE ME SICK.

SOUND WITH HER MOUTH 'CAUSE
SHE'S TRYING TO MAKE ME SICK.
IT'S JUST LIKE THE POEM

SHE'S TRYING TO MAKE ME SICK.
IT'S JUST LIKE THE POEM
MY FATHER USED TO SAY TO ME

IT'S JUST LIKE THE POEM
MY FATHER USED TO SAY TO ME
BEFORE I WENT TO BED AT NIGHT.

MY FATHER USED TO SAY TO ME
BEFORE I WENT TO BED AT NIGHT.
IT WAS WRITTEN BY MY

BEFORE I WENT TO BED AT NIGHT.
IT WAS WRITTEN BY MY
FASHION DESIGNER AUNT,

IT WAS WRITTEN BY MY
FASHION DESIGNER AUNT,
MURJANI ROSEANNADANNI.

FASHION DESIGNER AUNT,
MURJANI ROSEANNADANNI.
AND IT GOES SOMETHING LIKE THIS:

MURJANI ROSEANNADANNI.
AND IT GOES SOMETHING LIKE THIS:
JEANS, JEANS, THE MAGICAL PANTS,

AND IT GOES SOMETHING LIKE THIS:
JEANS, JEANS, THE MAGICAL PANTS,
THE TIGHTER THEY ARE,

JEANS, JEANS, THE MAGICAL PANTS,
THE TIGHTER THEY ARE,
THE BIGGER THE CHANCE,

THE TIGHTER THEY ARE,
THE BIGGER THE CHANCE,
THAT SOMEONE FOR SURE

THE BIGGER THE CHANCE,
THAT SOMEONE FOR SURE
WOULD BE THERE TO WATCH,

THAT SOMEONE FOR SURE
WOULD BE THERE TO WATCH,
TO SEE HOW YOU SCRATCH

WOULD BE THERE TO WATCH,
TO SEE HOW YOU SCRATCH
THAT ITCH IN YOUR CROTCH.

TO SEE HOW YOU SCRATCH
THAT ITCH IN YOUR CROTCH.
GOODNIGHT MY LITTLE

THAT ITCH IN YOUR CROTCH.
GOODNIGHT MY LITTLE
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA!

GOODNIGHT MY LITTLE
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA!
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE...]

ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA!
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE...]
THAT'S THE NEWS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE...]
THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOODNIGHT AND HAVE

THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOODNIGHT AND HAVE
A PLEASANT TOMORROW.

[DOORBELL RINGS...]

OH, ROY, COME IN.
LONG TIME NO SEE, BETTY.
NOW, IT'S BEEN TOO LONG, ROY.

LONG TIME NO SEE, BETTY.
NOW, IT'S BEEN TOO LONG, ROY.
AND I FEEL REALLY BADLY

NOW, IT'S BEEN TOO LONG, ROY.
AND I FEEL REALLY BADLY
ABOUT IT.

AND I FEEL REALLY BADLY
ABOUT IT.
IT'S JUST THAT MY HUSBAND

ABOUT IT.
IT'S JUST THAT MY HUSBAND
SIMPLY CAN'T FATHOM

IT'S JUST THAT MY HUSBAND
SIMPLY CAN'T FATHOM
A 45-YEAR-OLD BACHELOR

SIMPLY CAN'T FATHOM
A 45-YEAR-OLD BACHELOR
WHO LOVES TO BABYSIT

A 45-YEAR-OLD BACHELOR
WHO LOVES TO BABYSIT
A PAIR OF BRATS FOR FREE.

WHO LOVES TO BABYSIT
A PAIR OF BRATS FOR FREE.
BY THE WAY, WHERE IS ARTHUR?

A PAIR OF BRATS FOR FREE.
BY THE WAY, WHERE IS ARTHUR?
IN CLEVELAND WHOOPING IT UP

BY THE WAY, WHERE IS ARTHUR?
IN CLEVELAND WHOOPING IT UP
AT ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE

IN CLEVELAND WHOOPING IT UP
AT ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE
MICROSURGICAL PARTS CONVENTIONS.

AT ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE
MICROSURGICAL PARTS CONVENTIONS.
OH, AND WHERE ARE YOU

MICROSURGICAL PARTS CONVENTIONS.
OH, AND WHERE ARE YOU
OFF TOO, BETTY?

OH, AND WHERE ARE YOU
OFF TOO, BETTY?
A DINNER PARTY, BUT I'LL TRY

OFF TOO, BETTY?
A DINNER PARTY, BUT I'LL TRY
TO SLIP AWAY EARLY.

A DINNER PARTY, BUT I'LL TRY
TO SLIP AWAY EARLY.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,

TO SLIP AWAY EARLY.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,
YOU STAY AS LONG AS YOU WANT.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,
YOU STAY AS LONG AS YOU WANT.
OH, YOU'RE TOO GOOD, ROY.

YOU STAY AS LONG AS YOU WANT.
OH, YOU'RE TOO GOOD, ROY.
NOW, ROY, I KNOW IT WAS YOU-

OH, YOU'RE TOO GOOD, ROY.
NOW, ROY, I KNOW IT WAS YOU-
NOT SANTA-WHO REPLACED TERRY'S

NOW, ROY, I KNOW IT WAS YOU-
NOT SANTA-WHO REPLACED TERRY'S
OLD FRAYED BICYCLE SEAT

NOT SANTA-WHO REPLACED TERRY'S
OLD FRAYED BICYCLE SEAT
WITH A BRAND NEW ONE.

OLD FRAYED BICYCLE SEAT
WITH A BRAND NEW ONE.
DON'T THINK THAT WENT UNNOTICED.

WITH A BRAND NEW ONE.
DON'T THINK THAT WENT UNNOTICED.
DID... ARTHUR NOTICE?

DON'T THINK THAT WENT UNNOTICED.
DID... ARTHUR NOTICE?
OH, HE TOOK IT TOTALLY

DID... ARTHUR NOTICE?
OH, HE TOOK IT TOTALLY
IN THE WRONG WAY.

OH, HE TOOK IT TOTALLY
IN THE WRONG WAY.
AND YOU KNOW, HE WAS EVEN

IN THE WRONG WAY.
AND YOU KNOW, HE WAS EVEN
SUSPICIOUS ABOUT THAT

AND YOU KNOW, HE WAS EVEN
SUSPICIOUS ABOUT THAT
EXTRAVAGANT ANNIVERSARY

SUSPICIOUS ABOUT THAT
EXTRAVAGANT ANNIVERSARY
PRESENT YOU SENT US.

EXTRAVAGANT ANNIVERSARY
PRESENT YOU SENT US.
I ALWAYS FELT THIS ROOM

PRESENT YOU SENT US.
I ALWAYS FELT THIS ROOM
NEEDED A GLASS COFFEE TABLE.

I ALWAYS FELT THIS ROOM
NEEDED A GLASS COFFEE TABLE.
ANYWAY, WHERE ARE MY

NEEDED A GLASS COFFEE TABLE.
ANYWAY, WHERE ARE MY
LITTLE DARLINGS?

ANYWAY, WHERE ARE MY
LITTLE DARLINGS?
OH.

LITTLE DARLINGS?
OH.
COME ON DOWN, GIRLS.

OH.
COME ON DOWN, GIRLS.
I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU.

COME ON DOWN, GIRLS.
I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU.
THEY'RE GONNA BE

I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU.
THEY'RE GONNA BE
SO EXCITED, ROY.

THEY'RE GONNA BE
SO EXCITED, ROY.
Girls: UNCLE ROY, UNCLE ROY!

SO EXCITED, ROY.
Girls: UNCLE ROY, UNCLE ROY!
HELLO, MY LITTLE CUPCAKES.

Girls: UNCLE ROY, UNCLE ROY!
HELLO, MY LITTLE CUPCAKES.
CONTROL YOURSELVES, GIRLS.

HELLO, MY LITTLE CUPCAKES.
CONTROL YOURSELVES, GIRLS.
NOW ROY, DON'T LET THESE LITTLE

CONTROL YOURSELVES, GIRLS.
NOW ROY, DON'T LET THESE LITTLE
MONSTERS WALK ALL OVER YOU.

NOW ROY, DON'T LET THESE LITTLE
MONSTERS WALK ALL OVER YOU.
DON'T YOU WORRY.

MONSTERS WALK ALL OVER YOU.
DON'T YOU WORRY.
AND YOU BETTER BE

DON'T YOU WORRY.
AND YOU BETTER BE
RUNNING ALONG, BETTY.

AND YOU BETTER BE
RUNNING ALONG, BETTY.
OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

RUNNING ALONG, BETTY.
OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
NOW BEHAVE YOURSELVES, GIRLS.

OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
NOW BEHAVE YOURSELVES, GIRLS.
Girls: BYE, MOMMY, BYE!

NOW BEHAVE YOURSELVES, GIRLS.
Girls: BYE, MOMMY, BYE!
OH, GOSH.

Girls: BYE, MOMMY, BYE!
OH, GOSH.
WE MISS YOU, UNCLE ROY.

OH, GOSH.
WE MISS YOU, UNCLE ROY.
WE ASKED DADDY TO PLAY

WE MISS YOU, UNCLE ROY.
WE ASKED DADDY TO PLAY
INVISIBLE LIFE DOCTOR

WE ASKED DADDY TO PLAY
INVISIBLE LIFE DOCTOR
AND HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HOW!

INVISIBLE LIFE DOCTOR
AND HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HOW!
AND UNCLE ROY, REMEMBER THE

AND HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HOW!
AND UNCLE ROY, REMEMBER THE
TIME WE FILLED THE BATHTUB

AND UNCLE ROY, REMEMBER THE
TIME WE FILLED THE BATHTUB
ALL UP WITH WATER AND WENT

TIME WE FILLED THE BATHTUB
ALL UP WITH WATER AND WENT
BOBBING FOR BANANAS?

ALL UP WITH WATER AND WENT
BOBBING FOR BANANAS?
I REMEMBER.

BOBBING FOR BANANAS?
I REMEMBER.
AND REMEMBER WHEN YOU SHOWED

I REMEMBER.
AND REMEMBER WHEN YOU SHOWED
US JUMBO THE ONE-EARED ELEPHANT?

AND REMEMBER WHEN YOU SHOWED
US JUMBO THE ONE-EARED ELEPHANT?
YEAH, AND THE TIME YOU

US JUMBO THE ONE-EARED ELEPHANT?
YEAH, AND THE TIME YOU
WERE RUFFY THE DOG AND WE

YEAH, AND THE TIME YOU
WERE RUFFY THE DOG AND WE
DEWORMED YOU?

WERE RUFFY THE DOG AND WE
DEWORMED YOU?
OH, YES.

DEWORMED YOU?
OH, YES.
THAT WAS FUN.

OH, YES.
THAT WAS FUN.
AND IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN,

THAT WAS FUN.
AND IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN,
RUFFY WAS GOING TO BURY

AND IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN,
RUFFY WAS GOING TO BURY
HIS BONE IN YOUR BACK YARD.

RUFFY WAS GOING TO BURY
HIS BONE IN YOUR BACK YARD.
YEAH!

HIS BONE IN YOUR BACK YARD.
YEAH!
HEY, UNCLE ROY, WHAT AM I?

YEAH!
HEY, UNCLE ROY, WHAT AM I?
TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.

HEY, UNCLE ROY, WHAT AM I?
TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.
[LAUGHTER]

TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.
[LAUGHTER]
NO, I'M AN OSTRICH WITH

[LAUGHTER]
NO, I'M AN OSTRICH WITH
MY HEAD BURIED IN THE SAND.

NO, I'M AN OSTRICH WITH
MY HEAD BURIED IN THE SAND.
I'M AN OSTRICH TOO.

MY HEAD BURIED IN THE SAND.
I'M AN OSTRICH TOO.
LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT ME!

I'M AN OSTRICH TOO.
LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT ME!
I'M LOOKING, I'M LOOKING!

LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT ME!
I'M LOOKING, I'M LOOKING!
NOW GIRLS, GIRLS.

I'M LOOKING, I'M LOOKING!
NOW GIRLS, GIRLS.
I THINK THAT WE ARE READY

NOW GIRLS, GIRLS.
I THINK THAT WE ARE READY
TO PLAY UNCLE ROY COUSTEAU.

I THINK THAT WE ARE READY
TO PLAY UNCLE ROY COUSTEAU.
SO TRACY, TERRY, LET'S GO

TO PLAY UNCLE ROY COUSTEAU.
SO TRACY, TERRY, LET'S GO
DEEP-SEA DIVING IN UNCLE ROY'S

SO TRACY, TERRY, LET'S GO
DEEP-SEA DIVING IN UNCLE ROY'S
PANTS.

DEEP-SEA DIVING IN UNCLE ROY'S
PANTS.
YAY, WHAT ARE WE LOOKING FOR?

PANTS.
YAY, WHAT ARE WE LOOKING FOR?
WE'RE LOOKING FOR

YAY, WHAT ARE WE LOOKING FOR?
WE'RE LOOKING FOR
SALT WATER TAFFY.

WE'RE LOOKING FOR
SALT WATER TAFFY.
BUT I WARN YOU, THERE ARE ALL

SALT WATER TAFFY.
BUT I WARN YOU, THERE ARE ALL
KINDS OF STRANGE THINGS

BUT I WARN YOU, THERE ARE ALL
KINDS OF STRANGE THINGS
LURKING IN THE OCEAN.

KINDS OF STRANGE THINGS
LURKING IN THE OCEAN.
YOU MIGHT FIND PRECIOUS PEARLS,

LURKING IN THE OCEAN.
YOU MIGHT FIND PRECIOUS PEARLS,
OR TANGLED BEDS OF SEAWEED,

YOU MIGHT FIND PRECIOUS PEARLS,
OR TANGLED BEDS OF SEAWEED,
AND WATCH OUT FOR THAT OLD

OR TANGLED BEDS OF SEAWEED,
AND WATCH OUT FOR THAT OLD
ELECTRIC EEL!

AND WATCH OUT FOR THAT OLD
ELECTRIC EEL!
[LAUGHTER]

ELECTRIC EEL!
[LAUGHTER]
I FOUND SOME CANDY.

[LAUGHTER]
I FOUND SOME CANDY.
YEAH, ME TOO.

I FOUND SOME CANDY.
YEAH, ME TOO.
OH, UNCLE ROY, COULD WE PLAY

YEAH, ME TOO.
OH, UNCLE ROY, COULD WE PLAY
GOOFY SISTERS?

OH, UNCLE ROY, COULD WE PLAY
GOOFY SISTERS?
OH, WHAT A GOOD IDEA.

GOOFY SISTERS?
OH, WHAT A GOOD IDEA.
YOU RUN UPSTAIRS AND GET

OH, WHAT A GOOD IDEA.
YOU RUN UPSTAIRS AND GET
THE PANTY HATS, OKAY?

YOU RUN UPSTAIRS AND GET
THE PANTY HATS, OKAY?
YOU GO UPSTAIRS AND FETCH

THE PANTY HATS, OKAY?
YOU GO UPSTAIRS AND FETCH
ALL YOUR DIRTY, LITTLE

YOU GO UPSTAIRS AND FETCH
ALL YOUR DIRTY, LITTLE
UNDER THINGS.

ALL YOUR DIRTY, LITTLE
UNDER THINGS.
THAT'S RIGHT, GET 'EM ALL.

UNDER THINGS.
THAT'S RIGHT, GET 'EM ALL.
BRING THEM ALL DOWN.

THAT'S RIGHT, GET 'EM ALL.
BRING THEM ALL DOWN.
DON'T LEAVE ANYTHING OUT.

BRING THEM ALL DOWN.
DON'T LEAVE ANYTHING OUT.
OKAY, HERE WE COME UNCLE ROY!

DON'T LEAVE ANYTHING OUT.
OKAY, HERE WE COME UNCLE ROY!
Both: YAY!

OKAY, HERE WE COME UNCLE ROY!
Both: YAY!
HERE WE COME, YAY!

Both: YAY!
HERE WE COME, YAY!
THAT'S A GOOD GIRL.

HERE WE COME, YAY!
THAT'S A GOOD GIRL.
WE GOT OUR PANTIES.

THAT'S A GOOD GIRL.
WE GOT OUR PANTIES.
OKAY.

WE GOT OUR PANTIES.
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, GIVE ME

OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, GIVE ME
THE PANTY HATS NOW.

ALL RIGHT, GIVE ME
THE PANTY HATS NOW.
UNCLE ROY HAS TO PLAY TOO.

THE PANTY HATS NOW.
UNCLE ROY HAS TO PLAY TOO.
THAT'S RIGHT.

UNCLE ROY HAS TO PLAY TOO.
THAT'S RIGHT.
THESE ARE TERRY'S.

THAT'S RIGHT.
THESE ARE TERRY'S.
AND THESE ARE TRACY'S.

THESE ARE TERRY'S.
AND THESE ARE TRACY'S.
UNCLE ROY ALWAYS

AND THESE ARE TRACY'S.
UNCLE ROY ALWAYS
GUESSES RIGHT.

UNCLE ROY ALWAYS
GUESSES RIGHT.
HE CERTAINLY DOES.

GUESSES RIGHT.
HE CERTAINLY DOES.
NOW GIRLS, I'VE GOT AN IDEA.

HE CERTAINLY DOES.
NOW GIRLS, I'VE GOT AN IDEA.
GOOFY UNCLE ROY COUSTEAU

NOW GIRLS, I'VE GOT AN IDEA.
GOOFY UNCLE ROY COUSTEAU
IS GOING TO TAKE THE

GOOFY UNCLE ROY COUSTEAU
IS GOING TO TAKE THE
GOOFY SISTERS FOR A RIDE

IS GOING TO TAKE THE
GOOFY SISTERS FOR A RIDE
IN THE GLASS BOTTOM BOAT.

GOOFY SISTERS FOR A RIDE
IN THE GLASS BOTTOM BOAT.
THIS IS FOR THE BACK PAGE

IN THE GLASS BOTTOM BOAT.
THIS IS FOR THE BACK PAGE
OF THE GOOFY NEWS.

THIS IS FOR THE BACK PAGE
OF THE GOOFY NEWS.
Girls: YAY!

OF THE GOOFY NEWS.
Girls: YAY!
[OVERLAPPING CONVERSATION...]

I HOPE I'M NOT
INTERRUPTING ANYTHING.
Girls: HI, MOMMY!

INTERRUPTING ANYTHING.
Girls: HI, MOMMY!
I CAN EXPLAIN EVERYTHING!

Girls: HI, MOMMY!
I CAN EXPLAIN EVERYTHING!
THERE'S NO NEED TO EXPLAIN.

I CAN EXPLAIN EVERYTHING!
THERE'S NO NEED TO EXPLAIN.
I KNOW A GOOFY SISTERS

THERE'S NO NEED TO EXPLAIN.
I KNOW A GOOFY SISTERS
PHOTO SESSION WHEN I SEE ONE.

I KNOW A GOOFY SISTERS
PHOTO SESSION WHEN I SEE ONE.
ROY, WHAT YOU LET THESE

PHOTO SESSION WHEN I SEE ONE.
ROY, WHAT YOU LET THESE
MONSTERS GET AWAY WITH!

ROY, WHAT YOU LET THESE
MONSTERS GET AWAY WITH!
NOW GIRLS, YOU SHOULD BE

MONSTERS GET AWAY WITH!
NOW GIRLS, YOU SHOULD BE
MORE RESPECTFUL OF YOUR

NOW GIRLS, YOU SHOULD BE
MORE RESPECTFUL OF YOUR
UNCLE ROY.

MORE RESPECTFUL OF YOUR
UNCLE ROY.
NOW ANYWAY, IT'S WAY PAST

UNCLE ROY.
NOW ANYWAY, IT'S WAY PAST
YOUR BEDTIME.

NOW ANYWAY, IT'S WAY PAST
YOUR BEDTIME.
MARCH, GO ON.

YOUR BEDTIME.
MARCH, GO ON.
[GIRLS GROAN]

MARCH, GO ON.
[GIRLS GROAN]
GOODNIGHT, UNCLE ROY.

[GIRLS GROAN]
GOODNIGHT, UNCLE ROY.
GOODNIGHT, MY DARLINGS.

GOODNIGHT, UNCLE ROY.
GOODNIGHT, MY DARLINGS.
GOODNIGHT.

GOODNIGHT, MY DARLINGS.
GOODNIGHT.
SWEET DREAMS.

GOODNIGHT.
SWEET DREAMS.
OH, DEAR.

SWEET DREAMS.
OH, DEAR.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING

OH, DEAR.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
BACK SO EARLY, BETTY?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING
BACK SO EARLY, BETTY?
WELL, THE FACT IS ROY,

BACK SO EARLY, BETTY?
WELL, THE FACT IS ROY,
I COULDN'T FACE MAKING SMALL

WELL, THE FACT IS ROY,
I COULDN'T FACE MAKING SMALL
TALK WHEN THE REAL

I COULDN'T FACE MAKING SMALL
TALK WHEN THE REAL
TRUTH IS...

TALK WHEN THE REAL
TRUTH IS...
OH, I HATE TO BURDEN YOU

TRUTH IS...
OH, I HATE TO BURDEN YOU
WITH THIS ROY BUT...

OH, I HATE TO BURDEN YOU
WITH THIS ROY BUT...
I THINK I'M ON THE VERGE

WITH THIS ROY BUT...
I THINK I'M ON THE VERGE
OF A DIVORCE.

I THINK I'M ON THE VERGE
OF A DIVORCE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

OF A DIVORCE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
THIS IS THE THIRD

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
THIS IS THE THIRD
MICROSURGICAL PARTS CONVENTION

THIS IS THE THIRD
MICROSURGICAL PARTS CONVENTION
IN TWO MONTHS.

MICROSURGICAL PARTS CONVENTION
IN TWO MONTHS.
ROY, I'M CONVINCED THAT ARTHUR

IN TWO MONTHS.
ROY, I'M CONVINCED THAT ARTHUR
IS SEEING SOMEONE ELSE.

ROY, I'M CONVINCED THAT ARTHUR
IS SEEING SOMEONE ELSE.
YOU DESERVE BETTER

IS SEEING SOMEONE ELSE.
YOU DESERVE BETTER
THAN THAT, BETTY.

YOU DESERVE BETTER
THAN THAT, BETTY.
THAT'S WHY I THOUGHT

THAN THAT, BETTY.
THAT'S WHY I THOUGHT
I'D LEAVE ARTHUR AND MOVE

THAT'S WHY I THOUGHT
I'D LEAVE ARTHUR AND MOVE
BACK TO SAN FRANCISCO

I'D LEAVE ARTHUR AND MOVE
BACK TO SAN FRANCISCO
WITH THE GIRLS.

BACK TO SAN FRANCISCO
WITH THE GIRLS.
NO, NO!

WITH THE GIRLS.
NO, NO!
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

NO, NO!
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.
UPROOTING THEM, TAKING THEM

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.
UPROOTING THEM, TAKING THEM
OUT OF SCHOOL...

UPROOTING THEM, TAKING THEM
OUT OF SCHOOL...
CALL ME AN OLD FOGEY IF YOU

OUT OF SCHOOL...
CALL ME AN OLD FOGEY IF YOU
WILL, BUT MARRIAGE IS FOR KEEPS.

CALL ME AN OLD FOGEY IF YOU
WILL, BUT MARRIAGE IS FOR KEEPS.
YOU'VE GOT TO THINK

WILL, BUT MARRIAGE IS FOR KEEPS.
YOU'VE GOT TO THINK
OF THE GIRLS.

YOU'VE GOT TO THINK
OF THE GIRLS.
THAT'S WHO I'M THINKING OF.

OF THE GIRLS.
THAT'S WHO I'M THINKING OF.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE RIGHT.

THAT'S WHO I'M THINKING OF.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I GUESS I WAS JUST

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I GUESS I WAS JUST
BEING SELFISH.

I GUESS I WAS JUST
BEING SELFISH.
AND YOU WON'T TAKE

BEING SELFISH.
AND YOU WON'T TAKE
THE GIRLS AWAY?

AND YOU WON'T TAKE
THE GIRLS AWAY?
NO, I GUESS I'LL

THE GIRLS AWAY?
NO, I GUESS I'LL
STICK IT OUT.

NO, I GUESS I'LL
STICK IT OUT.
THANKS FOR THE SHOULDER.

STICK IT OUT.
THANKS FOR THE SHOULDER.
IT'S A SHAME EVERY FAMILY

THANKS FOR THE SHOULDER.
IT'S A SHAME EVERY FAMILY
CAN'T HAVE AN UNCLE ROY.

IT'S A SHAME EVERY FAMILY
CAN'T HAVE AN UNCLE ROY.
YOU'RE ONE IN A MILLION.

CAN'T HAVE AN UNCLE ROY.
YOU'RE ONE IN A MILLION.
OH, THERE'S MORE OF ME

YOU'RE ONE IN A MILLION.
OH, THERE'S MORE OF ME
THAN YOU MIGHT SUSPECT.

OH, THERE'S MORE OF ME
THAN YOU MIGHT SUSPECT.
[APPLAUSE...]

♪ HE'S A COP FROM OAHU ♪
♪ WHO GETS LOTS OF SUN ♪
♪ NAME WAS STEVE McGARRETT ♪

♪ WHO GETS LOTS OF SUN ♪
♪ NAME WAS STEVE McGARRETT ♪
♪ AND HE PACKS A GUN ♪

♪ NAME WAS STEVE McGARRETT ♪
♪ AND HE PACKS A GUN ♪
♪ COME ON, PAUL ♪

♪ AND HE PACKS A GUN ♪
♪ COME ON, PAUL ♪
[SCATTING]

♪ COME ON, PAUL ♪
[SCATTING]
♪ IF YOU NEED HIS NUMBER ♪

[SCATTING]
♪ IF YOU NEED HIS NUMBER ♪
♪ IT'S HAWAII 5-0 ♪

♪ IF YOU NEED HIS NUMBER ♪
♪ IT'S HAWAII 5-0 ♪
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

♪ IT'S HAWAII 5-0 ♪
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
WELCOME TO TRADER NICK'S.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
WELCOME TO TRADER NICK'S.
A LITTLE BIT OF THE HAWAIIAN

WELCOME TO TRADER NICK'S.
A LITTLE BIT OF THE HAWAIIAN
ISLANDS RIGHT HERE IN THE

A LITTLE BIT OF THE HAWAIIAN
ISLANDS RIGHT HERE IN THE
BUFFALO / NIAGARA FALLS AREA.

ISLANDS RIGHT HERE IN THE
BUFFALO / NIAGARA FALLS AREA.
I'M YOUR HOST, NICK LAVA

BUFFALO / NIAGARA FALLS AREA.
I'M YOUR HOST, NICK LAVA
AND I'LL BE HUMPING MY

I'M YOUR HOST, NICK LAVA
AND I'LL BE HUMPING MY
VOLCANIC ASH FOR YOU FOR

AND I'LL BE HUMPING MY
VOLCANIC ASH FOR YOU FOR
THE NEXT LITTLE WHILE OR SO.

VOLCANIC ASH FOR YOU FOR
THE NEXT LITTLE WHILE OR SO.
HOT DAY TODAY... I KNOW I BUILT

THE NEXT LITTLE WHILE OR SO.
HOT DAY TODAY... I KNOW I BUILT
UP A HAWAIIAN SIZED THIRST.

HOT DAY TODAY... I KNOW I BUILT
UP A HAWAIIAN SIZED THIRST.
I HOPE YOU TAKE ADVANTAGE OF OUR

UP A HAWAIIAN SIZED THIRST.
I HOPE YOU TAKE ADVANTAGE OF OUR
EXOTIC POLYNESIAN SPECIALTIES

I HOPE YOU TAKE ADVANTAGE OF OUR
EXOTIC POLYNESIAN SPECIALTIES
HERE AT TRADER NICK'S.

EXOTIC POLYNESIAN SPECIALTIES
HERE AT TRADER NICK'S.
THE MAN WHO PUTS THE "HI"

HERE AT TRADER NICK'S.
THE MAN WHO PUTS THE "HI"
IN HAWAIIAN, A FULL-BLOODED

THE MAN WHO PUTS THE "HI"
IN HAWAIIAN, A FULL-BLOODED
ROYAL HAWAIIAN,

IN HAWAIIAN, A FULL-BLOODED
ROYAL HAWAIIAN,
PRINCE OMONOWAHU.

ROYAL HAWAIIAN,
PRINCE OMONOWAHU.
HE'S BUSY WORKING

PRINCE OMONOWAHU.
HE'S BUSY WORKING
HIS MAGIC RIGHT NOW.

HE'S BUSY WORKING
HIS MAGIC RIGHT NOW.
SO LET'S ASK ONE OF THE

HIS MAGIC RIGHT NOW.
SO LET'S ASK ONE OF THE
PRINCE'S LOVELY BAR MAIDENS,

SO LET'S ASK ONE OF THE
PRINCE'S LOVELY BAR MAIDENS,
PRINCESS IRIS.

PRINCE'S LOVELY BAR MAIDENS,
PRINCESS IRIS.
PRINCESS?

PRINCESS IRIS.
PRINCESS?
WOULD YOU POINT US DOWN

PRINCESS?
WOULD YOU POINT US DOWN
THE DARK ROAD TONIGHT?

WOULD YOU POINT US DOWN
THE DARK ROAD TONIGHT?
SURE THING.

THE DARK ROAD TONIGHT?
SURE THING.
FOR A NIGHT YOU MAY NOT

SURE THING.
FOR A NIGHT YOU MAY NOT
REMEMBER BUT YOU'LL NEVER

FOR A NIGHT YOU MAY NOT
REMEMBER BUT YOU'LL NEVER
FORGET, I RECOMMEND THE KAMIKAZE

REMEMBER BUT YOU'LL NEVER
FORGET, I RECOMMEND THE KAMIKAZE
OR THE MISSIONARY'S DOWNFALL.

FORGET, I RECOMMEND THE KAMIKAZE
OR THE MISSIONARY'S DOWNFALL.
BUT IF YOU REALLY WANNA

OR THE MISSIONARY'S DOWNFALL.
BUT IF YOU REALLY WANNA
GET OUT OF THE BLOCKS FAST,

BUT IF YOU REALLY WANNA
GET OUT OF THE BLOCKS FAST,
TRY TRADER NICK'S SPECIALTY,

GET OUT OF THE BLOCKS FAST,
TRY TRADER NICK'S SPECIALTY,
THE COCONUT HEADBUTTER.

TRY TRADER NICK'S SPECIALTY,
THE COCONUT HEADBUTTER.
IT'S GOT THREE DIFFERENT FRUIT

THE COCONUT HEADBUTTER.
IT'S GOT THREE DIFFERENT FRUIT
JUICES AND FIVE OUNCES OF

IT'S GOT THREE DIFFERENT FRUIT
JUICES AND FIVE OUNCES OF
BACARDI 151.

JUICES AND FIVE OUNCES OF
BACARDI 151.
I GOTTA SERVE THE DRINKS, NICK.

BACARDI 151.
I GOTTA SERVE THE DRINKS, NICK.
YES YOU DO.

I GOTTA SERVE THE DRINKS, NICK.
YES YOU DO.
AND TELL HER WHY, PAUL.

YES YOU DO.
AND TELL HER WHY, PAUL.
♪ OH, YOU MAY BE THE AMBASSADOR

AND TELL HER WHY, PAUL.
♪ OH, YOU MAY BE THE AMBASSADOR
TO ENGLAND OR PARIS, FRANCE ♪

♪ OH, YOU MAY BE THE AMBASSADOR
TO ENGLAND OR PARIS, FRANCE ♪
♪ YOU MIGHT LIKE TO GAMBLE

TO ENGLAND OR PARIS, FRANCE ♪
♪ YOU MIGHT LIKE TO GAMBLE
DOWN IN ATLANTIC CITY ♪

♪ YOU MIGHT LIKE TO GAMBLE
DOWN IN ATLANTIC CITY ♪
♪ YOU MIGHT LIKE TO DANCE

DOWN IN ATLANTIC CITY ♪
♪ YOU MIGHT LIKE TO DANCE
DISCO STYLE ♪

♪ YOU MIGHT LIKE TO DANCE
DISCO STYLE ♪
♪ YOU MAY BE LIKE MUHAMMAD ALI

DISCO STYLE ♪
♪ YOU MAY BE LIKE MUHAMMAD ALI
THE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION

♪ YOU MAY BE LIKE MUHAMMAD ALI
THE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION
OF THE WORLD ♪

THE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION
OF THE WORLD ♪
♪ OR YOU MIGHT BE AT

OF THE WORLD ♪
♪ OR YOU MIGHT BE AT
TRADER NICK'S ♪

♪ OR YOU MIGHT BE AT
TRADER NICK'S ♪
♪ SERVING INSANE

TRADER NICK'S ♪
♪ SERVING INSANE
GUYS AND GIRLS ♪

♪ SERVING INSANE
GUYS AND GIRLS ♪
♪ BUT YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO

GUYS AND GIRLS ♪
♪ BUT YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
SERVE SOMEBODY ♪

♪ BUT YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
SERVE SOMEBODY ♪
♪ SERVE SOMEBODY ♪

SERVE SOMEBODY ♪
♪ SERVE SOMEBODY ♪
♪ AND ON A NIGHT LIKE THIS

♪ SERVE SOMEBODY ♪
♪ AND ON A NIGHT LIKE THIS
YOU YOUNG FELLAS ARE GONNA

♪ AND ON A NIGHT LIKE THIS
YOU YOUNG FELLAS ARE GONNA
HAVE TO TIP SOMEBODY TOO ♪

YOU YOUNG FELLAS ARE GONNA
HAVE TO TIP SOMEBODY TOO ♪
♪ TIP SOMEBODY, I'M SERIOUS ♪

HAVE TO TIP SOMEBODY TOO ♪
♪ TIP SOMEBODY, I'M SERIOUS ♪
♪ YOU MIGHT BE TWISTED

♪ TIP SOMEBODY, I'M SERIOUS ♪
♪ YOU MIGHT BE TWISTED
ON MAI TAIS ♪

♪ YOU MIGHT BE TWISTED
ON MAI TAIS ♪
♪ OR A COUPLE OF NAVY GROGS ♪

ON MAI TAIS ♪
♪ OR A COUPLE OF NAVY GROGS ♪
♪ BUT YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO

♪ OR A COUPLE OF NAVY GROGS ♪
♪ BUT YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
SERVE SOMEBODY ♪

♪ BUT YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
SERVE SOMEBODY ♪
♪ SOMEBODY, ANYBODY ♪

SERVE SOMEBODY ♪
♪ SOMEBODY, ANYBODY ♪
♪ FOR HEAVEN SAKES ♪

♪ SOMEBODY, ANYBODY ♪
♪ FOR HEAVEN SAKES ♪
HEY, ALOHA.

♪ FOR HEAVEN SAKES ♪
HEY, ALOHA.
ALOHA FOLKS.

HEY, ALOHA.
ALOHA FOLKS.
HOW'S IT GOING?

ALOHA FOLKS.
HOW'S IT GOING?
HOW ARE YOU?

HOW'S IT GOING?
HOW ARE YOU?
I GUESS WE'RE ALL RIGHT.

HOW ARE YOU?
I GUESS WE'RE ALL RIGHT.
THIS IS OUR SECOND FOGCUTTER.

I GUESS WE'RE ALL RIGHT.
THIS IS OUR SECOND FOGCUTTER.
[CHUCKLES]

THIS IS OUR SECOND FOGCUTTER.
[CHUCKLES]
WHAT'S YOUR NAME AND

[CHUCKLES]
WHAT'S YOUR NAME AND
WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

WHAT'S YOUR NAME AND
WHERE ARE YOU FROM?
I'M MR. RICHARD POSNIAK

WHERE ARE YOU FROM?
I'M MR. RICHARD POSNIAK
AND WE'RE FROM ROOM 208

I'M MR. RICHARD POSNIAK
AND WE'RE FROM ROOM 208
IN THE CASTLE COURT MOTEL

AND WE'RE FROM ROOM 208
IN THE CASTLE COURT MOTEL
JUST ACROSS THE HIGHWAY.

IN THE CASTLE COURT MOTEL
JUST ACROSS THE HIGHWAY.
I'M LENORA POSNIAK.

JUST ACROSS THE HIGHWAY.
I'M LENORA POSNIAK.
WE HAVE THREE KIDS IN THE ROOM

I'M LENORA POSNIAK.
WE HAVE THREE KIDS IN THE ROOM
WHO FINALLY FELL ASLEEP.

WE HAVE THREE KIDS IN THE ROOM
WHO FINALLY FELL ASLEEP.
WE'RE HERE TO FORGET THE DAY!

WHO FINALLY FELL ASLEEP.
WE'RE HERE TO FORGET THE DAY!
HAVING TROUBLE ON THE

WE'RE HERE TO FORGET THE DAY!
HAVING TROUBLE ON THE
VACATION OR SOMETHING...

HAVING TROUBLE ON THE
VACATION OR SOMETHING...
WE'RE NOT VACATIONING!

VACATION OR SOMETHING...
WE'RE NOT VACATIONING!
WE WERE RELOCATED TODAY

WE'RE NOT VACATIONING!
WE WERE RELOCATED TODAY
FROM THE LOVE CANAL.

WE WERE RELOCATED TODAY
FROM THE LOVE CANAL.
OUCH.

FROM THE LOVE CANAL.
OUCH.
WELL, I'LL TELL YA,

OUCH.
WELL, I'LL TELL YA,
I'VE BEEN FOLLOWING THAT STORY

WELL, I'LL TELL YA,
I'VE BEEN FOLLOWING THAT STORY
AND, YOU KNOW, I GOT A SCARE

I'VE BEEN FOLLOWING THAT STORY
AND, YOU KNOW, I GOT A SCARE
THE OTHER DAY.

AND, YOU KNOW, I GOT A SCARE
THE OTHER DAY.
ALL OF A SUDDEN, I GOT ONE

THE OTHER DAY.
ALL OF A SUDDEN, I GOT ONE
OF THESE HEADACHES IN THE BACK.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, I GOT ONE
OF THESE HEADACHES IN THE BACK.
EVERYTHING TENSED UP,

OF THESE HEADACHES IN THE BACK.
EVERYTHING TENSED UP,
I STARTED TO GO BLACK,

EVERYTHING TENSED UP,
I STARTED TO GO BLACK,
I THOUGHT, "OH, MY GOD,

I STARTED TO GO BLACK,
I THOUGHT, "OH, MY GOD,
LOVE CANAL!"

I THOUGHT, "OH, MY GOD,
LOVE CANAL!"
I REALIZED I'D BEEN CHUGGING

LOVE CANAL!"
I REALIZED I'D BEEN CHUGGING
FROZEN COLADAS ALL DAY.

I REALIZED I'D BEEN CHUGGING
FROZEN COLADAS ALL DAY.
SO I JUST CUT BACK ON MY PACE

FROZEN COLADAS ALL DAY.
SO I JUST CUT BACK ON MY PACE
AND I'M FINE NOW.

SO I JUST CUT BACK ON MY PACE
AND I'M FINE NOW.
GOOD FOR YOU, NICK.

AND I'M FINE NOW.
GOOD FOR YOU, NICK.
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY A

GOOD FOR YOU, NICK.
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY A
THREE BEDROOM HOUSE REAL CHEAP?

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY A
THREE BEDROOM HOUSE REAL CHEAP?
HEY, ANOTHER ROUND OF

THREE BEDROOM HOUSE REAL CHEAP?
HEY, ANOTHER ROUND OF
FOGCUTTERS FOR THIS COUPLE.

HEY, ANOTHER ROUND OF
FOGCUTTERS FOR THIS COUPLE.
THEY'RE ON UNCLE SAM.

FOGCUTTERS FOR THIS COUPLE.
THEY'RE ON UNCLE SAM.
THIS ONE'S FOR YOU.

THEY'RE ON UNCLE SAM.
THIS ONE'S FOR YOU.
LET'S DO IT.

THIS ONE'S FOR YOU.
LET'S DO IT.
HEY, I HOPE THEY DON'T

LET'S DO IT.
HEY, I HOPE THEY DON'T
MOVE YOU WITH THOSE CUBANS.

HEY, I HOPE THEY DON'T
MOVE YOU WITH THOSE CUBANS.
THAT WOULD REALLY BE TOO BAD.

MOVE YOU WITH THOSE CUBANS.
THAT WOULD REALLY BE TOO BAD.
[LAUGHTER]

THAT WOULD REALLY BE TOO BAD.
[LAUGHTER]
♪ KISS THE DAY GOODBYE ♪

[LAUGHTER]
♪ KISS THE DAY GOODBYE ♪
♪ AND FORGET ABOUT TOMORROW ♪

♪ KISS THE DAY GOODBYE ♪
♪ AND FORGET ABOUT TOMORROW ♪
♪ YOU DID WHAT YOU HAD TO DO ♪

♪ AND FORGET ABOUT TOMORROW ♪
♪ YOU DID WHAT YOU HAD TO DO ♪
♪ WON'T FORGET, CAN'T REGRET

♪ YOU DID WHAT YOU HAD TO DO ♪
♪ WON'T FORGET, CAN'T REGRET
WHAT YOU DID FOR LOVE ♪

♪ WON'T FORGET, CAN'T REGRET
WHAT YOU DID FOR LOVE ♪
♪ WHAT YOU DID FOR LOVE ♪

WHAT YOU DID FOR LOVE ♪
♪ WHAT YOU DID FOR LOVE ♪
♪ WHAT YOU DID FOR LOVE ♪

♪ WHAT YOU DID FOR LOVE ♪
♪ WHAT YOU DID FOR LOVE ♪
BLESS YOU, THANK YOU.

♪ WHAT YOU DID FOR LOVE ♪
BLESS YOU, THANK YOU.
HEY, WHAT'S HAPPENING

BLESS YOU, THANK YOU.
HEY, WHAT'S HAPPENING
OVER AT THIS TABLE?

HEY, WHAT'S HAPPENING
OVER AT THIS TABLE?
[GROUP CHANTS]: WE'RE FROM

OVER AT THIS TABLE?
[GROUP CHANTS]: WE'RE FROM
ST. ISLEY'S, IT'S OUR THING!

[GROUP CHANTS]: WE'RE FROM
ST. ISLEY'S, IT'S OUR THING!
WE DO WHAT WE WANNA DO!

ST. ISLEY'S, IT'S OUR THING!
WE DO WHAT WE WANNA DO!
HEY, CONQUISTADORS!

WE DO WHAT WE WANNA DO!
HEY, CONQUISTADORS!
OKAY, CALM DOWN FELLAS.

HEY, CONQUISTADORS!
OKAY, CALM DOWN FELLAS.
WE'VE BEEN VERY NICE ABOUT

OKAY, CALM DOWN FELLAS.
WE'VE BEEN VERY NICE ABOUT
NOT CHECKING ID TONIGHT

WE'VE BEEN VERY NICE ABOUT
NOT CHECKING ID TONIGHT
SO LET'S ALL BEHAVE AND ACT

NOT CHECKING ID TONIGHT
SO LET'S ALL BEHAVE AND ACT
LIKE MATURE RESPONSIBLE ADULTS

SO LET'S ALL BEHAVE AND ACT
LIKE MATURE RESPONSIBLE ADULTS
LIKE I KNOW YOU ARE.

LIKE MATURE RESPONSIBLE ADULTS
LIKE I KNOW YOU ARE.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME, FELLA?

LIKE I KNOW YOU ARE.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME, FELLA?
JOE DOUGHTY, CO-CAPTAIN.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME, FELLA?
JOE DOUGHTY, CO-CAPTAIN.
OKAY, AND WHO ARE YOU?

JOE DOUGHTY, CO-CAPTAIN.
OKAY, AND WHO ARE YOU?
COULD YOU STAND, PLEASE?

OKAY, AND WHO ARE YOU?
COULD YOU STAND, PLEASE?
HI, I'M YVONNE HUDSON

COULD YOU STAND, PLEASE?
HI, I'M YVONNE HUDSON
AND THIS IS MY LOVE JONES.

HI, I'M YVONNE HUDSON
AND THIS IS MY LOVE JONES.
THAT'S RIGHT, FERREL JONES.

AND THIS IS MY LOVE JONES.
THAT'S RIGHT, FERREL JONES.
I'M A CO-CAPTAIN AND

THAT'S RIGHT, FERREL JONES.
I'M A CO-CAPTAIN AND
ALL AROUND LOVE MESSENGER.

I'M A CO-CAPTAIN AND
ALL AROUND LOVE MESSENGER.
HIM AND ME, WE'RE CO-CAPTAINS

ALL AROUND LOVE MESSENGER.
HIM AND ME, WE'RE CO-CAPTAINS
OF THE BASEBALL AND, YOU KNOW,

HIM AND ME, WE'RE CO-CAPTAINS
OF THE BASEBALL AND, YOU KNOW,
THE FOOTBALL TEAM.

OF THE BASEBALL AND, YOU KNOW,
THE FOOTBALL TEAM.
HE PLAYED SHORT STOP

THE FOOTBALL TEAM.
HE PLAYED SHORT STOP
AND HALFBACK AND I WAS

HE PLAYED SHORT STOP
AND HALFBACK AND I WAS
CATCHER AND MONSTER MAN.

AND HALFBACK AND I WAS
CATCHER AND MONSTER MAN.
THAT'S GREAT.

CATCHER AND MONSTER MAN.
THAT'S GREAT.
ENJOY, ENJOY.

THAT'S GREAT.
ENJOY, ENJOY.
AND WHO IS THIS LOVELY QUEEN?

ENJOY, ENJOY.
AND WHO IS THIS LOVELY QUEEN?
COULD YOU STAND PLEASE, LADY?

AND WHO IS THIS LOVELY QUEEN?
COULD YOU STAND PLEASE, LADY?
HOW ARE YOU?

COULD YOU STAND PLEASE, LADY?
HOW ARE YOU?
I'M CATHY GORLEY,

HOW ARE YOU?
I'M CATHY GORLEY,
SENIOR PROM QUEEN.

I'M CATHY GORLEY,
SENIOR PROM QUEEN.
AND HOW DID YOU GET

SENIOR PROM QUEEN.
AND HOW DID YOU GET
TO BE THE PROM QUEEN?

AND HOW DID YOU GET
TO BE THE PROM QUEEN?
HOW'D YOU GET INTO

TO BE THE PROM QUEEN?
HOW'D YOU GET INTO
SHOW BUSINESS, TRADER NICK?

HOW'D YOU GET INTO
SHOW BUSINESS, TRADER NICK?
WELL, I WASN'T ELECTED

SHOW BUSINESS, TRADER NICK?
WELL, I WASN'T ELECTED
UNANIMOUSLY.

WELL, I WASN'T ELECTED
UNANIMOUSLY.
[CHUCKLES]

UNANIMOUSLY.
[CHUCKLES]
WELL, YOU ALL NURSE THOSE

[CHUCKLES]
WELL, YOU ALL NURSE THOSE
COCONUT HEADBUTTERS.

WELL, YOU ALL NURSE THOSE
COCONUT HEADBUTTERS.
PROM NIGHT IS A NIGHT TO HAVE

COCONUT HEADBUTTERS.
PROM NIGHT IS A NIGHT TO HAVE
FUN, BUT LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT

PROM NIGHT IS A NIGHT TO HAVE
FUN, BUT LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT
MY PROM NIGHT, YOU WANNA

FUN, BUT LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT
MY PROM NIGHT, YOU WANNA
KNOW ABOUT PROM NIGHTS...

MY PROM NIGHT, YOU WANNA
KNOW ABOUT PROM NIGHTS...
I WRAPPED MY OLD MAN'S IMPALA

KNOW ABOUT PROM NIGHTS...
I WRAPPED MY OLD MAN'S IMPALA
AROUND AN OAK TREE.

I WRAPPED MY OLD MAN'S IMPALA
AROUND AN OAK TREE.
I WALKED AWAY, BUT MY FIANCEE

AROUND AN OAK TREE.
I WALKED AWAY, BUT MY FIANCEE
WAS SHOTGUN... SHE DID NOT.

I WALKED AWAY, BUT MY FIANCEE
WAS SHOTGUN... SHE DID NOT.
WHOLE CLASS WENT TO HER FUNERAL

WAS SHOTGUN... SHE DID NOT.
WHOLE CLASS WENT TO HER FUNERAL
TWO DAYS LATER... CLOSED CASKET.

WHOLE CLASS WENT TO HER FUNERAL
TWO DAYS LATER... CLOSED CASKET.
SO THINK ABOUT THAT LATER

TWO DAYS LATER... CLOSED CASKET.
SO THINK ABOUT THAT LATER
ON YOUR WAY HOME.

SO THINK ABOUT THAT LATER
ON YOUR WAY HOME.
[LAUGHTER]

ON YOUR WAY HOME.
[LAUGHTER]
DID YOU HAVE A THEME

[LAUGHTER]
DID YOU HAVE A THEME
FOR TONIGHT'S PROM?

DID YOU HAVE A THEME
FOR TONIGHT'S PROM?
YEAH, STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN.

FOR TONIGHT'S PROM?
YEAH, STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN.
DO I KNOW THAT?

YEAH, STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN.
DO I KNOW THAT?
[PIANO MUSIC]

DO I KNOW THAT?
[PIANO MUSIC]
YEAH, LED ZEPPELIN, RIGHT?

[PIANO MUSIC]
YEAH, LED ZEPPELIN, RIGHT?
I GUESS YOU'RE PROBABLY

YEAH, LED ZEPPELIN, RIGHT?
I GUESS YOU'RE PROBABLY
A LITTLE TOO YOUNG TO REMEMBER

I GUESS YOU'RE PROBABLY
A LITTLE TOO YOUNG TO REMEMBER
THEIR FIRST ALBUM, HUH?

A LITTLE TOO YOUNG TO REMEMBER
THEIR FIRST ALBUM, HUH?
"COMMUNICATION BREAKDOWN",

THEIR FIRST ALBUM, HUH?
"COMMUNICATION BREAKDOWN",
"DAZED AND CONFUSED",

"COMMUNICATION BREAKDOWN",
"DAZED AND CONFUSED",
ANY OF THAT?

"DAZED AND CONFUSED",
ANY OF THAT?
"BABE I'M GONNA LEAVE YOU"?

ANY OF THAT?
"BABE I'M GONNA LEAVE YOU"?
WELL, ENJOY.

"BABE I'M GONNA LEAVE YOU"?
WELL, ENJOY.
TRY IT ANYWAY.

WELL, ENJOY.
TRY IT ANYWAY.
♪ AND AS WE WIND ON

TRY IT ANYWAY.
♪ AND AS WE WIND ON
DOWN THE ROAD ♪

♪ AND AS WE WIND ON
DOWN THE ROAD ♪
♪ OUR SHADOWS TALLER

DOWN THE ROAD ♪
♪ OUR SHADOWS TALLER
THAN OUR SOUL ♪

♪ OUR SHADOWS TALLER
THAN OUR SOUL ♪
♪ THERE WAS A LADY WE ALL KNOW ♪

THAN OUR SOUL ♪
♪ THERE WAS A LADY WE ALL KNOW ♪
♪ WHO SHINES WHITE LIGHT

♪ THERE WAS A LADY WE ALL KNOW ♪
♪ WHO SHINES WHITE LIGHT
AND WANTS TO SHOW ♪

♪ WHO SHINES WHITE LIGHT
AND WANTS TO SHOW ♪
♪ HOW EVERYTHING STILL

AND WANTS TO SHOW ♪
♪ HOW EVERYTHING STILL
TURNS TO GOLD ♪

♪ HOW EVERYTHING STILL
TURNS TO GOLD ♪
♪ AND IF YOU LISTEN VERY HARD ♪

TURNS TO GOLD ♪
♪ AND IF YOU LISTEN VERY HARD ♪
♪ THE TUNE WILL COME

♪ AND IF YOU LISTEN VERY HARD ♪
♪ THE TUNE WILL COME
TO YOU AT LAST ♪

♪ THE TUNE WILL COME
TO YOU AT LAST ♪
♪ WE ARE ONE AND ONE IS ALL ♪

TO YOU AT LAST ♪
♪ WE ARE ONE AND ONE IS ALL ♪
♪ TO BE A ROCK AND NOT TO ROLL ♪

♪ AND SHE'S BUYING
THE STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN ♪

ALOHA, ALOHA.
THAT MEANS THANK YOU.
ALOHA.

THAT MEANS THANK YOU.
ALOHA.
[APPLAUSE...]

[INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION]
[LAUGHS]
GOOD EVENING.

[LAUGHS]
GOOD EVENING.
WELCOME TO WEEK IN REVIEW.

GOOD EVENING.
WELCOME TO WEEK IN REVIEW.
I'M YOUR MODERATOR,

WELCOME TO WEEK IN REVIEW.
I'M YOUR MODERATOR,
PAUL HABBERLY.

I'M YOUR MODERATOR,
PAUL HABBERLY.
WELL, IT'S BEEN A BUSY WEEK

PAUL HABBERLY.
WELL, IT'S BEEN A BUSY WEEK
IN THE NEWS AND WE HAVE

WELL, IT'S BEEN A BUSY WEEK
IN THE NEWS AND WE HAVE
A LOT TO DISCUSS.

IN THE NEWS AND WE HAVE
A LOT TO DISCUSS.
I CAN SEE OUR PANELISTS

A LOT TO DISCUSS.
I CAN SEE OUR PANELISTS
ARE ANXIOUS TO GET STARTED

I CAN SEE OUR PANELISTS
ARE ANXIOUS TO GET STARTED
SO LET'S INTRODUCE THEM.

ARE ANXIOUS TO GET STARTED
SO LET'S INTRODUCE THEM.
FIRST OUR REGULARS,

FROM THE NEW YORK POST,
DICK DRAKE.

DICK DRAKE.
FROM THE MIDNIGHT GLOBE,

FROM THE MIDNIGHT GLOBE,
COUNTESS LUCIANA PALERMO.

COUNTESS LUCIANA PALERMO.
FROM THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER,

FROM THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER,
LEON SATIN.

LEON SATIN.
AND OUR SPECIAL GUEST

AND OUR SPECIAL GUEST
MAKING HIS FIRST APPEARANCE

MAKING HIS FIRST APPEARANCE
ON THE SHOW, POLITICAL ANALYST

ON THE SHOW, POLITICAL ANALYST
FOR THE NEW YORK TIMES,

FOR THE NEW YORK TIMES,
HUGH GAFFNEY.

HUGH GAFFNEY.
IS THAT YOUR REAL NAME, HUGH?

IS THAT YOUR REAL NAME, HUGH?
YES.

YES.
HUH.
WELL DICK, LET'S START WITH YOU.

HUH.
WELL DICK, LET'S START WITH YOU.
WHAT'S THE WEEK'S TOP STORY?

WELL DICK, LET'S START WITH YOU.
WHAT'S THE WEEK'S TOP STORY?
WELL NICK, I'D SAY THIS

WHAT'S THE WEEK'S TOP STORY?
WELL NICK, I'D SAY THIS
WEEK'S TOP STORY HAS TO BE

WELL NICK, I'D SAY THIS
WEEK'S TOP STORY HAS TO BE
THE WOMAN WHO'S BABY WAS EATEN

WEEK'S TOP STORY HAS TO BE
THE WOMAN WHO'S BABY WAS EATEN
BY THE GERMAN SHEPHERD.

THE WOMAN WHO'S BABY WAS EATEN
BY THE GERMAN SHEPHERD.
NOW, DICK, YOU FOLLOWED

BY THE GERMAN SHEPHERD.
NOW, DICK, YOU FOLLOWED
THAT STORY PERHAPS MORE

NOW, DICK, YOU FOLLOWED
THAT STORY PERHAPS MORE
CLOSELY THAN THE REST OF US.

THAT STORY PERHAPS MORE
CLOSELY THAN THE REST OF US.
WAS SHE A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?

CLOSELY THAN THE REST OF US.
WAS SHE A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?
NO, NO, NO.

WAS SHE A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?
NO, NO, NO.
THERE WAS SOME SPECULATION

NO, NO, NO.
THERE WAS SOME SPECULATION
TO THAT EFFECT EARLIER

IN THE WEEK, BUT IN ESSENCE
SHE WAS A HEROIN ADDICT,

SHE WAS A HEROIN ADDICT,
SHE SIMPLY LEFT HER INFANT ALONE

SHE SIMPLY LEFT HER INFANT ALONE
IN THE APARTMENT FOR SEVERAL

IN THE APARTMENT FOR SEVERAL
DAYS WITH THE GERMAN SHEPHERD
AND I THINK EVERY ANALYST

DAYS WITH THE GERMAN SHEPHERD
AND I THINK EVERY ANALYST
WOULD AGREE THE DOG HAD

AND I THINK EVERY ANALYST
WOULD AGREE THE DOG HAD
NOTHING TO EAT AND AS A RESULT,

WOULD AGREE THE DOG HAD
NOTHING TO EAT AND AS A RESULT,
ATE THE CHILD.

NOTHING TO EAT AND AS A RESULT,
ATE THE CHILD.
UH, MAN, YOU REALLY THINK

ATE THE CHILD.
UH, MAN, YOU REALLY THINK
THAT THAT'S A BIGGER STORY

UH, MAN, YOU REALLY THINK
THAT THAT'S A BIGGER STORY
THAN THE DIET THAT LET'S YOU

THAT THAT'S A BIGGER STORY
THAN THE DIET THAT LET'S YOU
EAT ALL THE CHOCOLATE YOU WANT

THAN THE DIET THAT LET'S YOU
EAT ALL THE CHOCOLATE YOU WANT
AND STILL LOSE 20 POUNDS A WEEK?

EAT ALL THE CHOCOLATE YOU WANT
AND STILL LOSE 20 POUNDS A WEEK?
WELL, LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY.

AND STILL LOSE 20 POUNDS A WEEK?
WELL, LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY.
IF THERE HAD BEEN ONE MORE

WELL, LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY.
IF THERE HAD BEEN ONE MORE
JUST SLIGHTLY BIZARRE TWIST

IF THERE HAD BEEN ONE MORE
JUST SLIGHTLY BIZARRE TWIST
TO THE GERMAN SHEPHERD STORY,

JUST SLIGHTLY BIZARRE TWIST
TO THE GERMAN SHEPHERD STORY,
LET'S SAY IF SHE'D BEEN

TO THE GERMAN SHEPHERD STORY,
LET'S SAY IF SHE'D BEEN
ON HER WAY TO THE PROM

LET'S SAY IF SHE'D BEEN
ON HER WAY TO THE PROM
FOR EXAMPLE, OR JUST WON

ON HER WAY TO THE PROM
FOR EXAMPLE, OR JUST WON
THE LOTTERY ON THE NIGHT

FOR EXAMPLE, OR JUST WON
THE LOTTERY ON THE NIGHT
HER BABY WAS EATEN,

THE LOTTERY ON THE NIGHT
HER BABY WAS EATEN,
I THINK WE'D BE TALKING ABOUT

HER BABY WAS EATEN,
I THINK WE'D BE TALKING ABOUT
ONE OF THE MOST SIGNIFICANT

I THINK WE'D BE TALKING ABOUT
ONE OF THE MOST SIGNIFICANT
STORIES OF THE YEAR.

ONE OF THE MOST SIGNIFICANT
STORIES OF THE YEAR.
MORE SIGNIFICANT THAT

STORIES OF THE YEAR.
MORE SIGNIFICANT THAT
LONI ANDERSON'S OPERATION

MORE SIGNIFICANT THAT
LONI ANDERSON'S OPERATION
TO REDUCE HER BREAST SIZE?

LONI ANDERSON'S OPERATION
TO REDUCE HER BREAST SIZE?
WELL, I JUST DON'T ANYBODY

TO REDUCE HER BREAST SIZE?
WELL, I JUST DON'T ANYBODY
WAS SURPRISED BY THAT...

WELL, I JUST DON'T ANYBODY
WAS SURPRISED BY THAT...
I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY,

BUT WOULDN'T YOU SAY THAT
THE TOP STORY WAS THE

THE TOP STORY WAS THE
PRESIDENTIAL RACE?
CARTER AND REAGAN SEEM

PRESIDENTIAL RACE?
CARTER AND REAGAN SEEM
TO HAVE NAILED DOWN THEIR

CARTER AND REAGAN SEEM
TO HAVE NAILED DOWN THEIR
PARTIES' NOMINATIONS.

TO HAVE NAILED DOWN THEIR
PARTIES' NOMINATIONS.
[LAUGHTER]

PARTIES' NOMINATIONS.
[LAUGHTER]
WELL, COUNTESS, YOUR PAPER

[LAUGHTER]
WELL, COUNTESS, YOUR PAPER
RAN A VERY BIG STORY THIS WEEK

WELL, COUNTESS, YOUR PAPER
RAN A VERY BIG STORY THIS WEEK
ON THE KENNEDY CAMPAIGN.

YES, NICK, AS YOU KNOW
WE LEARNED THAT IMMEDIATELY

WE LEARNED THAT IMMEDIATELY
AFTER THE ACCIDENT AT

AFTER THE ACCIDENT AT
CHAPPAQUIDDICK, THE FIRST PERSON
TEDDY CALLED WAS NOT HIS WIFE

CHAPPAQUIDDICK, THE FIRST PERSON
TEDDY CALLED WAS NOT HIS WIFE
OR A CLOSE ADVISOR,

TEDDY CALLED WAS NOT HIS WIFE
OR A CLOSE ADVISOR,
BUT AN ATTRACTIVE, BUSTY

OR A CLOSE ADVISOR,
BUT AN ATTRACTIVE, BUSTY
GERMAN DIVORCEE, HELGA WAGNER.

BUT AN ATTRACTIVE, BUSTY
GERMAN DIVORCEE, HELGA WAGNER.
I UNDERSTAND YOUR PAPER

GERMAN DIVORCEE, HELGA WAGNER.
I UNDERSTAND YOUR PAPER
PRINTED A VERBATIM TRANSCRIPT

I UNDERSTAND YOUR PAPER
PRINTED A VERBATIM TRANSCRIPT
OF THEIR PHONE CONVERSATION.

PRINTED A VERBATIM TRANSCRIPT
OF THEIR PHONE CONVERSATION.
OH, YES.

OF THEIR PHONE CONVERSATION.
OH, YES.
IT WAS A PSYCHIC RECONSTRUCTION

OH, YES.
IT WAS A PSYCHIC RECONSTRUCTION
OF THE CONVERSATION WHICH WE RAN

IT WAS A PSYCHIC RECONSTRUCTION
OF THE CONVERSATION WHICH WE RAN
COMPLETELY UNEDITED.

OF THE CONVERSATION WHICH WE RAN
COMPLETELY UNEDITED.
COUNTESS, AM I WRONG ON THIS

COMPLETELY UNEDITED.
COUNTESS, AM I WRONG ON THIS
OR WAS SHE ON THE WAY TO

COUNTESS, AM I WRONG ON THIS
OR WAS SHE ON THE WAY TO
HER SENIOR PROM WHEN SHE

OR WAS SHE ON THE WAY TO
HER SENIOR PROM WHEN SHE
RECEIVED THE PHONE CALL

HER SENIOR PROM WHEN SHE
RECEIVED THE PHONE CALL
FROM KENNEDY?

RECEIVED THE PHONE CALL
FROM KENNEDY?
OH, NO.

FROM KENNEDY?
OH, NO.
BUT WOULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN

OH, NO.
BUT WOULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN
SOMETHING IF SHE HAD BEEN?

BUT WOULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN
SOMETHING IF SHE HAD BEEN?
LEON, WITH THE SUMMER MONTHS

SOMETHING IF SHE HAD BEEN?
LEON, WITH THE SUMMER MONTHS
COMING UP, CAN WE LOOK FORWARD

LEON, WITH THE SUMMER MONTHS
COMING UP, CAN WE LOOK FORWARD
TO ANY MORE CATTLE MUTILATIONS

COMING UP, CAN WE LOOK FORWARD
TO ANY MORE CATTLE MUTILATIONS
OR HAMMER MURDERS, PERHAPS

TO ANY MORE CATTLE MUTILATIONS
OR HAMMER MURDERS, PERHAPS
MANIFESTATIONS OF THE SPIRIT

OR HAMMER MURDERS, PERHAPS
MANIFESTATIONS OF THE SPIRIT
OF ELVIS PRESLEY SPEAKING

MANIFESTATIONS OF THE SPIRIT
OF ELVIS PRESLEY SPEAKING
THROUGH PEOPLE'S AIR

OF ELVIS PRESLEY SPEAKING
THROUGH PEOPLE'S AIR
CONDITIONER VENTS?

CERTAINLY, MAN.
IT'S GOING TO BE A LONG

IT'S GOING TO BE A LONG
HOT SUMMER, NO QUESTION

HOT SUMMER, NO QUESTION
ABOUT THAT.
BUT I THINK THE STORY THAT'S

ABOUT THAT.
BUT I THINK THE STORY THAT'S
JUST NOT GOING TO GO AWAY

BUT I THINK THE STORY THAT'S
JUST NOT GOING TO GO AWAY
IS 10 WAYS TO BEAT THE HEAT.

JUST NOT GOING TO GO AWAY
IS 10 WAYS TO BEAT THE HEAT.
YES, I THINK SO.

IS 10 WAYS TO BEAT THE HEAT.
YES, I THINK SO.
THAT'S A GOOD POINT.

YES, I THINK SO.
THAT'S A GOOD POINT.
YES, HUGH,

THAT'S A GOOD POINT.
YES, HUGH,
YOU HAVE A THOUGHT?

YES, HUGH,
YOU HAVE A THOUGHT?
YES, I'M SORRY.

YOU HAVE A THOUGHT?
YES, I'M SORRY.
I JUST CAN'T HELP BUT THINK

YES, I'M SORRY.
I JUST CAN'T HELP BUT THINK
THAT THE ECONOMY IS ONE OF

I JUST CAN'T HELP BUT THINK
THAT THE ECONOMY IS ONE OF
THE MAJOR STORIES AT THE MOMENT

THAT THE ECONOMY IS ONE OF
THE MAJOR STORIES AT THE MOMENT
SIMPLY BECAUSE IT AFFECTS

THE MAJOR STORIES AT THE MOMENT
SIMPLY BECAUSE IT AFFECTS
SO MANY PEOPLE.

SIMPLY BECAUSE IT AFFECTS
SO MANY PEOPLE.
[LAUGHTER]

SO MANY PEOPLE.
[LAUGHTER]
WELL, I THINK PERHAPS WHAT

[LAUGHTER]
WELL, I THINK PERHAPS WHAT
HUGH IS TRYING TO GET AT IS

WELL, I THINK PERHAPS WHAT
HUGH IS TRYING TO GET AT IS
THAT WHEN TIMES ARE TOUGH,

HUGH IS TRYING TO GET AT IS
THAT WHEN TIMES ARE TOUGH,
PEOPLE WILL BE UNDER A LOT

THAT WHEN TIMES ARE TOUGH,
PEOPLE WILL BE UNDER A LOT
OF EMOTIONAL PRESSURE.

PEOPLE WILL BE UNDER A LOT
OF EMOTIONAL PRESSURE.
I THINK WE'LL SEE MORE

OF EMOTIONAL PRESSURE.
I THINK WE'LL SEE MORE
STEWARDESSES THROWN IN FRONT

I THINK WE'LL SEE MORE
STEWARDESSES THROWN IN FRONT
OF SUBURBAN TRAINS, MORE GROUPS

STEWARDESSES THROWN IN FRONT
OF SUBURBAN TRAINS, MORE GROUPS
OF JAPANESE TOURISTS DOUSED

OF SUBURBAN TRAINS, MORE GROUPS
OF JAPANESE TOURISTS DOUSED
WITH GASOLINE AND SET ON FIRE.

OF JAPANESE TOURISTS DOUSED
WITH GASOLINE AND SET ON FIRE.
I AGREE WITH YOU.

WITH GASOLINE AND SET ON FIRE.
I AGREE WITH YOU.
NO, I WAS THINKING MORE

I AGREE WITH YOU.
NO, I WAS THINKING MORE
OF THE EFFECT OF THE RECESSION

NO, I WAS THINKING MORE
OF THE EFFECT OF THE RECESSION
ON THE AVERAGE FAMILY.

OF THE EFFECT OF THE RECESSION
ON THE AVERAGE FAMILY.
[GASPS]

ON THE AVERAGE FAMILY.
[GASPS]
OH, YOU MEAN LIKE THE DETROIT

[GASPS]
OH, YOU MEAN LIKE THE DETROIT
AUTO WORKER WITH EIGHT KIDS

OH, YOU MEAN LIKE THE DETROIT
AUTO WORKER WITH EIGHT KIDS
WHO WAS LAID OFF FROM HIS

AUTO WORKER WITH EIGHT KIDS
WHO WAS LAID OFF FROM HIS
ASSEMBLY LINE JOB.

WHO WAS LAID OFF FROM HIS
ASSEMBLY LINE JOB.
YES.

ASSEMBLY LINE JOB.
YES.
AND HE WENT A LITTLE CRAZY,

YES.
AND HE WENT A LITTLE CRAZY,
MURDERED HIS ENTIRE FAMILY

AND HE WENT A LITTLE CRAZY,
MURDERED HIS ENTIRE FAMILY
AND BURIED THEM IN THE

MURDERED HIS ENTIRE FAMILY
AND BURIED THEM IN THE
NEIGHBOR'S BACKYARD.

AND BURIED THEM IN THE
NEIGHBOR'S BACKYARD.
IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN,

NEIGHBOR'S BACKYARD.
IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN,
COUNTESS, WASN'T THAT THE NIGHT

IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN,
COUNTESS, WASN'T THAT THE NIGHT
OF HIS ELDEST DAUGHTER'S

COUNTESS, WASN'T THAT THE NIGHT
OF HIS ELDEST DAUGHTER'S
SENIOR PROM?

OF HIS ELDEST DAUGHTER'S
SENIOR PROM?
NO, NO, THAT'S NOT IT.

SENIOR PROM?
NO, NO, THAT'S NOT IT.
HUGH, THIS SOUNDS LIKE

NO, NO, THAT'S NOT IT.
HUGH, THIS SOUNDS LIKE
A FASCINATING STORY,

HUGH, THIS SOUNDS LIKE
A FASCINATING STORY,
BUT UNFORTUNATELY WE'VE

A FASCINATING STORY,
BUT UNFORTUNATELY WE'VE
RUN OUT OF TIME.

BUT UNFORTUNATELY WE'VE
RUN OUT OF TIME.
PERHAPS YOU CAN COME BACK

RUN OUT OF TIME.
PERHAPS YOU CAN COME BACK
ON THE SHOW AND YOU COULD TELL

PERHAPS YOU CAN COME BACK
ON THE SHOW AND YOU COULD TELL
US THE STORY OF THIS

ON THE SHOW AND YOU COULD TELL
US THE STORY OF THIS
INSANE AUTO WORKER.

US THE STORY OF THIS
INSANE AUTO WORKER.
[OVERLAPPING CONVERSATION]

INSANE AUTO WORKER.
[OVERLAPPING CONVERSATION]
I'D LIKE TO THANK OUR

[OVERLAPPING CONVERSATION]
I'D LIKE TO THANK OUR
REGULARS AND OUR SPECIAL GUEST,

I'D LIKE TO THANK OUR
REGULARS AND OUR SPECIAL GUEST,
HUGH GAFFNEY.

REGULARS AND OUR SPECIAL GUEST,
HUGH GAFFNEY.
GOODNIGHT FROM WEEK IN REVIEW.

Announcer: FOR A TRANSCRIPT
OF THIS PROGRAM, SEND 75 CENTS

OF THIS PROGRAM, SEND 75 CENTS
TO:

[APPLAUSE]

[MEN CHUCKLE]
GREAT DAY!
Man: GREAT HUNTING.

GREAT DAY!
Man: GREAT HUNTING.
WE SURE SHOWED THOSE

Man: GREAT HUNTING.
WE SURE SHOWED THOSE
ANIMALS WHO HAD THE GUNS.

WE SURE SHOWED THOSE
ANIMALS WHO HAD THE GUNS.
All: YEAH!

ANIMALS WHO HAD THE GUNS.
All: YEAH!
Announcer: YOU'VE FLUSHED

All: YEAH!
Announcer: YOU'VE FLUSHED
THE WOODS OUT OF ITS WILDLIFE.

Announcer: YOU'VE FLUSHED
THE WOODS OUT OF ITS WILDLIFE.
NOW, YOU WANNA UNWIND, LAY BACK,

THE WOODS OUT OF ITS WILDLIFE.
NOW, YOU WANNA UNWIND, LAY BACK,
AND REACH FOR SOMETHING

NOW, YOU WANNA UNWIND, LAY BACK,
AND REACH FOR SOMETHING
THAT'S REALLY GONNA SATISFY.

AND REACH FOR SOMETHING
THAT'S REALLY GONNA SATISFY.
"MOMMY BEER".

THAT'S REALLY GONNA SATISFY.
"MOMMY BEER".
OKAY BOYS, WHO COULD GO

"MOMMY BEER".
OKAY BOYS, WHO COULD GO
FOR A NICE FROSTY MOMMY?

OKAY BOYS, WHO COULD GO
FOR A NICE FROSTY MOMMY?
[OVERLAPPING CONVERSATION]

FOR A NICE FROSTY MOMMY?
[OVERLAPPING CONVERSATION]
YOU BEEN HOLDIN' OUT ON US,

[OVERLAPPING CONVERSATION]
YOU BEEN HOLDIN' OUT ON US,
YOU RASCAL.

YOU BEEN HOLDIN' OUT ON US,
YOU RASCAL.
[ALL HARMONIZE]

YOU RASCAL.
[ALL HARMONIZE]
♪ NOW IT'S TIME TO PUT

[ALL HARMONIZE]
♪ NOW IT'S TIME TO PUT
AWAY THE AMMO ♪

♪ NOW IT'S TIME TO PUT
AWAY THE AMMO ♪
♪ NOW'S THE TIME TO

AWAY THE AMMO ♪
♪ NOW'S THE TIME TO
KNOCK ONE BACK ♪

♪ NOW'S THE TIME TO
KNOCK ONE BACK ♪
♪ (TO KNOCK ONE BACK) ♪

KNOCK ONE BACK ♪
♪ (TO KNOCK ONE BACK) ♪
♪ NOTHING SATISFIES,

♪ (TO KNOCK ONE BACK) ♪
♪ NOTHING SATISFIES,
NOTHING GRATIFIES ♪

♪ NOTHING SATISFIES,
NOTHING GRATIFIES ♪
♪ LIKE MOMMY ♪

NOTHING GRATIFIES ♪
♪ LIKE MOMMY ♪
♪ SHE'S GOES DOWN LIKE

♪ LIKE MOMMY ♪
♪ SHE'S GOES DOWN LIKE
THE GOOD OLD-FASHIONED DAYS ♪

♪ SHE'S GOES DOWN LIKE
THE GOOD OLD-FASHIONED DAYS ♪
♪ BUM-BUM-BUM-BUM ♪

THE GOOD OLD-FASHIONED DAYS ♪
♪ BUM-BUM-BUM-BUM ♪
♪ THIRSTY DEAR ♪

♪ BUM-BUM-BUM-BUM ♪
♪ THIRSTY DEAR ♪
♪ BUM-BUM-BUM-BUM ♪

♪ THIRSTY DEAR ♪
♪ BUM-BUM-BUM-BUM ♪
♪ MOMMY BEER ♪

♪ BUM-BUM-BUM-BUM ♪
♪ MOMMY BEER ♪
♪ FOR TWO-FISTED PLEASURE ♪

♪ MOMMY BEER ♪
♪ FOR TWO-FISTED PLEASURE ♪
♪ LIKE OLD TIMES YOU REMEMBER ♪

♪ FOR TWO-FISTED PLEASURE ♪
♪ LIKE OLD TIMES YOU REMEMBER ♪
♪ BUM-BUM-BUM-BUM ♪

♪ LIKE OLD TIMES YOU REMEMBER ♪
♪ BUM-BUM-BUM-BUM ♪
♪ THIRSTY DEAR ♪

♪ BUM-BUM-BUM-BUM ♪
♪ THIRSTY DEAR ♪
♪ BUM-BUM-BUM-BUM ♪

♪ THIRSTY DEAR ♪
♪ BUM-BUM-BUM-BUM ♪
♪ MOMMY BEER ♪

♪ BUM-BUM-BUM-BUM ♪
♪ MOMMY BEER ♪
♪ SUCK BACK A MOMMY ♪

♪ MOMMY BEER ♪
♪ SUCK BACK A MOMMY ♪
♪ SHE'S THE QUEEN

♪ SUCK BACK A MOMMY ♪
♪ SHE'S THE QUEEN
OF ALL BEERS ♪

♪ SHE'S THE QUEEN
OF ALL BEERS ♪
HEY WAIT, YOU GUYS.

OF ALL BEERS ♪
HEY WAIT, YOU GUYS.
NO FAIR, COME ON.

HEY WAIT, YOU GUYS.
NO FAIR, COME ON.
WHAT ABOUT ME?

NO FAIR, COME ON.
WHAT ABOUT ME?
I WANT MY MOMMY.

WHAT ABOUT ME?
I WANT MY MOMMY.
[MEN LAUGH]

I WANT MY MOMMY.
[MEN LAUGH]
♪ BUM-BUM-BUM-BUM ♪

[MEN LAUGH]
♪ BUM-BUM-BUM-BUM ♪
♪ THIRSTY DEAR ♪

♪ BUM-BUM-BUM-BUM ♪
♪ THIRSTY DEAR ♪
♪ BUM-BUM-BUM-BUM ♪

♪ THIRSTY DEAR ♪
♪ BUM-BUM-BUM-BUM ♪
♪ MOMMY BEER ♪

♪ BUM-BUM-BUM-BUM ♪
♪ MOMMY BEER ♪
♪ I WANT MY MOMMY ♪

♪ MOMMY BEER ♪
♪ I WANT MY MOMMY ♪
♪ SHE'S THE QUEEN OF ALL BEER ♪

♪ I WANT MY MOMMY ♪
♪ SHE'S THE QUEEN OF ALL BEER ♪
♪ QUEEN OF ALL BEER ♪

♪ SHE'S THE QUEEN OF ALL BEER ♪
♪ QUEEN OF ALL BEER ♪
Announcer: COME UP TO THE BIG

♪ QUEEN OF ALL BEER ♪
Announcer: COME UP TO THE BIG
ROUND TASTE OF "MOMMY BEER".

Announcer: COME UP TO THE BIG
ROUND TASTE OF "MOMMY BEER".
SHE'S A BITCH OF A BREW.

ROUND TASTE OF "MOMMY BEER".
SHE'S A BITCH OF A BREW.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
ANDRAE CROUCH JOINED BY
THE VOICES OF UNITY.

ANDRAE CROUCH JOINED BY
THE VOICES OF UNITY.
[APPLAUSE]

THE VOICES OF UNITY.
[APPLAUSE]
[♪...]

[APPLAUSE]
[♪...]
♪ CAN'T NOBODY

[♪...]
♪ CAN'T NOBODY
DO ME LIKE LIKE JESUS ♪

♪ CAN'T NOBODY
DO ME LIKE LIKE JESUS ♪
♪ CAN'T NOBODY

DO ME LIKE LIKE JESUS ♪
♪ CAN'T NOBODY
DO ME LIKE LIKE THE LORD ♪

♪ CAN'T NOBODY
DO ME LIKE LIKE THE LORD ♪
♪ NO, YOU CAN'T ♪

DO ME LIKE LIKE THE LORD ♪
♪ NO, YOU CAN'T ♪
♪ CAN'T NOBODY

♪ NO, YOU CAN'T ♪
♪ CAN'T NOBODY
DO ME LIKE LIKE JESUS ♪

♪ CAN'T NOBODY
DO ME LIKE LIKE JESUS ♪
♪ BECAUSE HE'S MY, MY FRIEND ♪

DO ME LIKE LIKE JESUS ♪
♪ BECAUSE HE'S MY, MY FRIEND ♪
♪ I REPEAT ♪

♪ BECAUSE HE'S MY, MY FRIEND ♪
♪ I REPEAT ♪
♪ CAN'T NOBODY

♪ I REPEAT ♪
♪ CAN'T NOBODY
DO ME LIKE JESUS ♪

♪ CAN'T NOBODY
DO ME LIKE JESUS ♪
♪ CAN'T NOBODY

DO ME LIKE JESUS ♪
♪ CAN'T NOBODY
DO ME LIKE THE LORD ♪

♪ CAN'T NOBODY
DO ME LIKE THE LORD ♪
♪ CAN'T NOBODY

DO ME LIKE THE LORD ♪
♪ CAN'T NOBODY
DO ME LIKE JESUS ♪

♪ CAN'T NOBODY
DO ME LIKE JESUS ♪
♪ I GOTTA TELL YOU WHY ♪

DO ME LIKE JESUS ♪
♪ I GOTTA TELL YOU WHY ♪
♪ HE'S MY, MY FRIEND ♪

♪ I GOTTA TELL YOU WHY ♪
♪ HE'S MY, MY FRIEND ♪
♪ I SAID, HE HEALED MY BODY ♪

♪ HE'S MY, MY FRIEND ♪
♪ I SAID, HE HEALED MY BODY ♪
♪ AND THEN HE TOLD ME

♪ I SAID, HE HEALED MY BODY ♪
♪ AND THEN HE TOLD ME
TO RUN ON ♪

♪ AND THEN HE TOLD ME
TO RUN ON ♪
♪ I SAID, HE HEALED MY BODY ♪

TO RUN ON ♪
♪ I SAID, HE HEALED MY BODY ♪
♪ AND THEN HE TOLD ME,

♪ I SAID, HE HEALED MY BODY ♪
♪ AND THEN HE TOLD ME,
HE TOLD ME TO RUN ON ♪

♪ AND THEN HE TOLD ME,
HE TOLD ME TO RUN ON ♪
♪ HE HEALED MY BODY ♪

HE TOLD ME TO RUN ON ♪
♪ HE HEALED MY BODY ♪
♪ AND THEN HE TOLD ME

♪ HE HEALED MY BODY ♪
♪ AND THEN HE TOLD ME
TO RUN ON ♪

♪ AND THEN HE TOLD ME
TO RUN ON ♪
♪ (HE'S MY FRIEND) ♪

TO RUN ON ♪
♪ (HE'S MY FRIEND) ♪
♪ LISTEN ♪

♪ (HE'S MY FRIEND) ♪
♪ LISTEN ♪
♪ DON'T YOU KNOW THAT I,

♪ LISTEN ♪
♪ DON'T YOU KNOW THAT I,
I CAME TO JESUS ♪

♪ DON'T YOU KNOW THAT I,
I CAME TO JESUS ♪
♪ JUST AS I WAS ♪

I CAME TO JESUS ♪
♪ JUST AS I WAS ♪
♪ I WAS WEARY, I WAS WORN ♪

♪ JUST AS I WAS ♪
♪ I WAS WEARY, I WAS WORN ♪
♪ MY HEART WAS SO SAD ♪

♪ I WAS WEARY, I WAS WORN ♪
♪ MY HEART WAS SO SAD ♪
♪ BUT EVERYTHING THAT I,

♪ MY HEART WAS SO SAD ♪
♪ BUT EVERYTHING THAT I,
I FOUND IN HIM ♪

♪ BUT EVERYTHING THAT I,
I FOUND IN HIM ♪
♪ A SWEET OLD RESTING PLACE ♪

I FOUND IN HIM ♪
♪ A SWEET OLD RESTING PLACE ♪
♪ AND EVER SINCE THAT DAY ♪

♪ A SWEET OLD RESTING PLACE ♪
♪ AND EVER SINCE THAT DAY ♪
♪ THE LORD HAS MADE ME GLAD ♪

♪ AND EVER SINCE THAT DAY ♪
♪ THE LORD HAS MADE ME GLAD ♪
♪ LET ME TELL YOU THAT

♪ THE LORD HAS MADE ME GLAD ♪
♪ LET ME TELL YOU THAT
THERE AIN'T NOBODY ♪

♪ LET ME TELL YOU THAT
THERE AIN'T NOBODY ♪
♪ DO ME LIKE JESUS ♪

THERE AIN'T NOBODY ♪
♪ DO ME LIKE JESUS ♪
♪ I CHECKED EVERYWHERE ♪

♪ DO ME LIKE JESUS ♪
♪ I CHECKED EVERYWHERE ♪
♪ I COULDN'T FIND,

♪ I CHECKED EVERYWHERE ♪
♪ I COULDN'T FIND,
I COULDN'T FIND ♪

♪ I COULDN'T FIND,
I COULDN'T FIND ♪
♪ CAN'T NOBODY

I COULDN'T FIND ♪
♪ CAN'T NOBODY
DO ME LIKE JESUS ♪

♪ CAN'T NOBODY
DO ME LIKE JESUS ♪
♪ LET ME TELL YOU THAT

DO ME LIKE JESUS ♪
♪ LET ME TELL YOU THAT
HE'S MY, MY FRIEND ♪

♪ LET ME TELL YOU THAT
HE'S MY, MY FRIEND ♪
♪ (HE'S MY FRIEND) ♪

HE'S MY, MY FRIEND ♪
♪ (HE'S MY FRIEND) ♪
♪ HE'S MY, HE'S MY ♪

♪ (HE'S MY FRIEND) ♪
♪ HE'S MY, HE'S MY ♪
♪ HOW MANY YOU KNOW

♪ HE'S MY, HE'S MY ♪
♪ HOW MANY YOU KNOW
WHAT I'M SINGING ABOUT? ♪

♪ HOW MANY YOU KNOW
WHAT I'M SINGING ABOUT? ♪
♪ I SAID, HE'S MY FRIEND ♪

WHAT I'M SINGING ABOUT? ♪
♪ I SAID, HE'S MY FRIEND ♪
♪ (HE'S MY FRIEND) ♪

♪ I SAID, HE'S MY FRIEND ♪
♪ (HE'S MY FRIEND) ♪
♪ HE'S ♪

♪ (HE'S MY FRIEND) ♪
♪ HE'S ♪
♪ MY ♪

♪ HE'S ♪
♪ MY ♪
♪ FRIEND ♪

♪ MY ♪
♪ FRIEND ♪
♪ I SAID, HE'S ♪

♪ FRIEND ♪
♪ I SAID, HE'S ♪
♪ WHOO-HOO ♪

♪ I SAID, HE'S ♪
♪ WHOO-HOO ♪
♪ HE'S MY ♪

♪ WHOO-HOO ♪
♪ HE'S MY ♪
♪ MY FRIEND ♪

♪ HE'S MY ♪
♪ MY FRIEND ♪
SOMETIMES WE DO IT LIKE THIS.

♪ MY FRIEND ♪
SOMETIMES WE DO IT LIKE THIS.
EVERYBODY GET YOUR

SOMETIMES WE DO IT LIKE THIS.
EVERYBODY GET YOUR
HANDS TOGETHER.

EVERYBODY GET YOUR
HANDS TOGETHER.
COME ON!

HANDS TOGETHER.
COME ON!
♪ LISTEN, CAN'T NOBODY

COME ON!
♪ LISTEN, CAN'T NOBODY
DO ME LIKE JESUS ♪

♪ LISTEN, CAN'T NOBODY
DO ME LIKE JESUS ♪
♪ CAN'T NOBODY

DO ME LIKE JESUS ♪
♪ CAN'T NOBODY
DO ME LIKE THE LORD ♪

♪ CAN'T NOBODY
DO ME LIKE THE LORD ♪
♪ CAN'T NOBODY

DO ME LIKE THE LORD ♪
♪ CAN'T NOBODY
DO ME LIKE JESUS ♪

♪ CAN'T NOBODY
DO ME LIKE JESUS ♪
♪ HE'S MY FRIEND ♪

DO ME LIKE JESUS ♪
♪ HE'S MY FRIEND ♪
♪ I SAY HE HEALED MY BODY ♪

♪ HE'S MY FRIEND ♪
♪ I SAY HE HEALED MY BODY ♪
♪ (HEALED MY BODY) ♪

♪ I SAY HE HEALED MY BODY ♪
♪ (HEALED MY BODY) ♪
♪ TOLD ME TO RUN ON ♪

♪ (HEALED MY BODY) ♪
♪ TOLD ME TO RUN ON ♪
♪ (TOLD ME TO RUN ON) ♪

♪ TOLD ME TO RUN ON ♪
♪ (TOLD ME TO RUN ON) ♪
♪ HEALED MY BODY ♪

♪ (TOLD ME TO RUN ON) ♪
♪ HEALED MY BODY ♪
♪ TOLD ME TO RUN ON ♪

♪ HEALED MY BODY ♪
♪ TOLD ME TO RUN ON ♪
♪ HEALED MY BODY ♪

♪ TOLD ME TO RUN ON ♪
♪ HEALED MY BODY ♪
♪ TOLD ME TO RUN ON ♪

♪ HEALED MY BODY ♪
♪ TOLD ME TO RUN ON ♪
♪ TELL THE WORLD ♪

♪ TOLD ME TO RUN ON ♪
♪ TELL THE WORLD ♪
♪ (HE'S MY FRIEND) ♪

♪ TELL THE WORLD ♪
♪ (HE'S MY FRIEND) ♪
♪ OH, YES HE IS NOW ♪

♪ (HE'S MY FRIEND) ♪
♪ OH, YES HE IS NOW ♪
♪ (HE'S MY FRIEND) ♪

♪ OH, YES HE IS NOW ♪
♪ (HE'S MY FRIEND) ♪
♪ (HE'S MY FRIEND) ♪

♪ (HE'S MY FRIEND) ♪
♪ (HE'S MY FRIEND) ♪
♪ (HE'S MY FRIEND) ♪

♪ (HE'S MY FRIEND) ♪
♪ (HE'S MY FRIEND) ♪
♪ HE'S MY EVERYTHING ♪

♪ (HE'S MY FRIEND) ♪
♪ HE'S MY EVERYTHING ♪
♪ HE'S MY EVERYTHING ♪

♪ HE'S MY EVERYTHING ♪
♪ HE'S MY EVERYTHING ♪
♪ WHAT'S HIS NAME? ♪

♪ HE'S MY EVERYTHING ♪
♪ WHAT'S HIS NAME? ♪
♪ JESUS ♪

♪ WHAT'S HIS NAME? ♪
♪ JESUS ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪

♪ JESUS ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ JESUS ♪

♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ JESUS ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪

♪ JESUS ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ JESUS ♪

♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ JESUS ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪

♪ JESUS ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ JESUS ♪

♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ JESUS ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪

♪ JESUS ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ WE NEED ♪

♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ WE NEED ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪

♪ WE NEED ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ WE NEED ♪

♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ WE NEED ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪

♪ WE NEED ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ WE NEED ♪

♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ WE NEED ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪

♪ WE NEED ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ JESUS ♪

♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ JESUS ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪

♪ JESUS ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪

♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪

♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ YOU GOT TO KNOW ♪

♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ YOU GOT TO KNOW ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪

♪ YOU GOT TO KNOW ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ I'M LOOKING FOR ♪

♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ I'M LOOKING FOR ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪

♪ I'M LOOKING FOR ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ I'M LOOKING FOR ♪

♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ I'M LOOKING FOR ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪

♪ I'M LOOKING FOR ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ I'M LOOKING FOR ♪

♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ I'M LOOKING FOR ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪

♪ I'M LOOKING FOR ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ JESUS ♪

♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ JESUS ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪

♪ JESUS ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ HE'S HERE ♪

♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ HE'S HERE ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪

♪ HE'S HERE ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ EVERYBODY NOW ♪

♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ EVERYBODY NOW ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪

♪ EVERYBODY NOW ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ STAND UP NOW ♪

♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ STAND UP NOW ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪

♪ STAND UP NOW ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ STAND RIGHT NOW ♪

♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ STAND RIGHT NOW ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪

♪ STAND RIGHT NOW ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ HE'S HERE ♪

♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ HE'S HERE ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪

♪ HE'S HERE ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ HE'S HERE RIGHT NOW ♪

♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ HE'S HERE RIGHT NOW ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪

♪ HE'S HERE RIGHT NOW ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ JESUS ♪

♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ JESUS ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪

♪ JESUS ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪

♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ JESUS ♪

♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ JESUS ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪

♪ JESUS ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ HE'S MY JOY ♪

♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ HE'S MY JOY ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪

♪ HE'S MY JOY ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ HE'S MY JOY ♪

♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ HE'S MY JOY ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪

♪ HE'S MY JOY ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪

♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪

♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪

♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪

♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ I SAID THERE AIN'T NOBODY ♪

♪ (JESUS) ♪
♪ I SAID THERE AIN'T NOBODY ♪
♪ (DO ME LIKE JESUS) ♪

♪ I SAID THERE AIN'T NOBODY ♪
♪ (DO ME LIKE JESUS) ♪
♪ (AIN'T NOBODY

♪ (DO ME LIKE JESUS) ♪
♪ (AIN'T NOBODY
DO ME LIKE THE LORD) ♪

♪ (AIN'T NOBODY
DO ME LIKE THE LORD) ♪
♪ AIN'T NOBODY

(DO ME LIKE THE LORD) ♪
♪ AIN'T NOBODY
CAN BE LIKE JESUS ♪

♪ AIN'T NOBODY
CAN BE LIKE JESUS ♪
♪ HE'S MY, MY FRIEND ♪

CAN BE LIKE JESUS ♪
♪ HE'S MY, MY FRIEND ♪
♪ YES, HE IS ♪

♪ HE'S MY, MY FRIEND ♪
♪ YES, HE IS ♪
♪ (HE'S MY FRIEND) ♪

♪ YES, HE IS ♪
♪ (HE'S MY FRIEND) ♪
♪ (HE'S MY FRIEND) ♪

♪ (HE'S MY FRIEND) ♪
♪ (HE'S MY FRIEND) ♪
♪ (HE'S)

♪ (HE'S MY FRIEND) ♪
♪ (HE'S)
♪ HE'S MY ♪

♪ (HE'S)
♪ HE'S MY ♪
♪ (MY) ♪

♪ HE'S MY ♪
♪ (MY) ♪
♪ (FRIEND) ♪

♪ (MY) ♪
♪ (FRIEND) ♪
♪ I SAID HE'S ♪

♪ (FRIEND) ♪
♪ I SAID HE'S ♪
♪ HE'S MY ♪

♪ I SAID HE'S ♪
♪ HE'S MY ♪
♪ HE'S MY CLOSEST FRIEND ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE...]

THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING.
GOODNIGHT AND GOODBYE.
[♪..., APPLAUSE...]

Announcer: NEXT SATURDAY
NIGHT, AN ENCORE PRESENTATION
OF SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

NIGHT, AN ENCORE PRESENTATION
OF SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
WITH HOST HOWARD HESSEMAN

OF SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
WITH HOST HOWARD HESSEMAN
AND MUSICAL GUEST RANDY NEWMAN.

WITH HOST HOWARD HESSEMAN
AND MUSICAL GUEST RANDY NEWMAN.
THIS IS THE ORIGINAL

AND MUSICAL GUEST RANDY NEWMAN.
THIS IS THE ORIGINAL
DON PARDO.

THIS IS THE ORIGINAL
DON PARDO.
YOU CAN TELL BY

DON PARDO.
YOU CAN TELL BY
THE WAY I SAY... GOODNIGHT.

YOU CAN TELL BY
THE WAY I SAY... GOODNIGHT.
[♪...]