Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 5, Episode 18 - Bob Newhart/The Amazing Rhythm Aces/Bruce Cockburn - full transcript

The host for the episode is Bob Newhart, and the musical guests are The Amazing Rhthym Aces and Bruce Cockburn. The skits for this episode are as follows: A civil war officer talking to his men before they go off to battle makes a number of promises that are unlikely to be kept. Mr. Bill gets sent to jail, where he gets beaten and torn apart by the other inmates and Mr. Hands. Additional skits include The Dating Zone with Iris de Flaminio, Rare Store Items, and The Proposal. The Amazing Rhythm Aces perform "Who Will the Next Fool Be" and "Third-Rate Romance" and Bruce Cockburn performs "Wondering Where the Lions Are".

GOOD EVENING,
I'M DR. CARL SAGAN.
[RECORDED APPLAUSE]

I'M DR. CARL SAGAN.
[RECORDED APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

[RECORDED APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
AND THESE ARE MY TWO NEW

THANK YOU, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
AND THESE ARE MY TWO NEW
AND VERY GOOD FRIENDS

AND THESE ARE MY TWO NEW
AND VERY GOOD FRIENDS
MEI AND KEI, THE REMARKABLE

AND VERY GOOD FRIENDS
MEI AND KEI, THE REMARKABLE
PINK LADY.

MEI AND KEI, THE REMARKABLE
PINK LADY.
AND WE ARE PINK LADY AND CARL!

[APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.
TONIGHT, THE GIRLS AND I
ARE GOING TO EXPLORE SOME OF

TONIGHT, THE GIRLS AND I
ARE GOING TO EXPLORE SOME OF
THE MYSTERIES OF THIS THING

ARE GOING TO EXPLORE SOME OF
THE MYSTERIES OF THIS THING
WE CALL THE UNIVERSE.



THE MYSTERIES OF THIS THING
WE CALL THE UNIVERSE.
ISN'T THAT RIGHT?

WE CALL THE UNIVERSE.
ISN'T THAT RIGHT?
[IN ACCENT] YES.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT?
[IN ACCENT] YES.
WE CAN'T WAIT TO FIND OUT

[IN ACCENT] YES.
WE CAN'T WAIT TO FIND OUT
ALL ABOUT TIME AND SPACE.

WE CAN'T WAIT TO FIND OUT
ALL ABOUT TIME AND SPACE.
[IN ACCENT] LIKE WHERE'S OUR

ALL ABOUT TIME AND SPACE.
[IN ACCENT] LIKE WHERE'S OUR
PARKING SPACE AND WHAT TIME

[IN ACCENT] LIKE WHERE'S OUR
PARKING SPACE AND WHAT TIME
WE HAVE TO BE HERE!

PARKING SPACE AND WHAT TIME
WE HAVE TO BE HERE!
[LAUGHTER]

WE HAVE TO BE HERE!
[LAUGHTER]
AREN'T THEY SOMETHING?

[LAUGHTER]
AREN'T THEY SOMETHING?
YOU KNOW, ONE OF THE QUESTIONS

AREN'T THEY SOMETHING?
YOU KNOW, ONE OF THE QUESTIONS
THAT'S BEEN MOST BAFFLING

YOU KNOW, ONE OF THE QUESTIONS
THAT'S BEEN MOST BAFFLING
TO ASTRONOMERS AND ONE THAT

THAT'S BEEN MOST BAFFLING
TO ASTRONOMERS AND ONE THAT
FASCINATED ME TILL I GOT

TO ASTRONOMERS AND ONE THAT
FASCINATED ME TILL I GOT
KIND OF DIZZY, IS THE STORY



FASCINATED ME TILL I GOT
KIND OF DIZZY, IS THE STORY
OF HOW THE UNIVERSE ITSELF

KIND OF DIZZY, IS THE STORY
OF HOW THE UNIVERSE ITSELF
ORIGINATED.

OF HOW THE UNIVERSE ITSELF
ORIGINATED.
IT'S THE SCIENCE OF COSMOLOGY

ORIGINATED.
IT'S THE SCIENCE OF COSMOLOGY
AND HERE TO HELP US EXPLAIN

IT'S THE SCIENCE OF COSMOLOGY
AND HERE TO HELP US EXPLAIN
THE NATURE OF EXISTENCE IS

AND HERE TO HELP US EXPLAIN
THE NATURE OF EXISTENCE IS
A CLOSE PERSONAL FRIEND OF

THE NATURE OF EXISTENCE IS
A CLOSE PERSONAL FRIEND OF
THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE,

A CLOSE PERSONAL FRIEND OF
THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE,
MR. MARVIN HAMLISCH!

THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE,
MR. MARVIN HAMLISCH!
[APPLAUSE]

HI, CARL.
MARVIN, HAVE YOU MET
MEI AND KEI?

MARVIN, HAVE YOU MET
MEI AND KEI?
YES, AS A MATTER OF FACT

MEI AND KEI?
YES, AS A MATTER OF FACT
WE MET BACKSTAGE IN MAKEUP.

YES, AS A MATTER OF FACT
WE MET BACKSTAGE IN MAKEUP.
THEY WERE GETTING BLUSHER

WE MET BACKSTAGE IN MAKEUP.
THEY WERE GETTING BLUSHER
APPLIED TO THEIR SUSHI.

THEY WERE GETTING BLUSHER
APPLIED TO THEIR SUSHI.
[LAUGHTER]

APPLIED TO THEIR SUSHI.
[LAUGHTER]
MY BOYFRIEND TOOK ME TO SEE

[LAUGHTER]
MY BOYFRIEND TOOK ME TO SEE
THE MOVIE YOU DID MUSIC FOR...

MY BOYFRIEND TOOK ME TO SEE
THE MOVIE YOU DID MUSIC FOR...
"THE STINK".

THE MOVIE YOU DID MUSIC FOR...
"THE STINK".
[LAUGHTER]

"THE STINK".
[LAUGHTER]
THAT'S THE STING.

[LAUGHTER]
THAT'S THE STING.
YOU KNOW, I'M AN IMPORTANT MAN

THAT'S THE STING.
YOU KNOW, I'M AN IMPORTANT MAN
IN THIS BUSINESS.

YOU KNOW, I'M AN IMPORTANT MAN
IN THIS BUSINESS.
TAKE IT EASY OR YOU'LL BE BACK

IN THIS BUSINESS.
TAKE IT EASY OR YOU'LL BE BACK
OPENING SHOPPING CENTERS

TAKE IT EASY OR YOU'LL BE BACK
OPENING SHOPPING CENTERS
IN HOKKAIDO.

OPENING SHOPPING CENTERS
IN HOKKAIDO.
SAY, MARVIN, YOU KNOW

IN HOKKAIDO.
SAY, MARVIN, YOU KNOW
WHAT THIS IS, OF COURSE.

SAY, MARVIN, YOU KNOW
WHAT THIS IS, OF COURSE.
OF COURSE, IT'S THE ATOM.

WHAT THIS IS, OF COURSE.
OF COURSE, IT'S THE ATOM.
BUT WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO

OF COURSE, IT'S THE ATOM.
BUT WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO
WITH THE UNIVERSE, DR. SAGAN?

BUT WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO
WITH THE UNIVERSE, DR. SAGAN?
WELL, A FEW YEARS AGO,

WITH THE UNIVERSE, DR. SAGAN?
WELL, A FEW YEARS AGO,
ASTRONOMERS USING NEW VERY

WELL, A FEW YEARS AGO,
ASTRONOMERS USING NEW VERY
SENSITIVE X-RAY TELESCOPES

ASTRONOMERS USING NEW VERY
SENSITIVE X-RAY TELESCOPES
PICKED UP RADIO WAVES OLDER THAN

SENSITIVE X-RAY TELESCOPES
PICKED UP RADIO WAVES OLDER THAN
ANYTHING ELSE EVER RECORDED

PICKED UP RADIO WAVES OLDER THAN
ANYTHING ELSE EVER RECORDED
BY MAN.

ANYTHING ELSE EVER RECORDED
BY MAN.
WHAT WE NOW THINK IS THAT

BY MAN.
WHAT WE NOW THINK IS THAT
THIS RADIO NOISE IS THE

WHAT WE NOW THINK IS THAT
THIS RADIO NOISE IS THE
EXPLOSION LEFT OVER FROM

THIS RADIO NOISE IS THE
EXPLOSION LEFT OVER FROM
THE ORIGINAL BIG BANG THAT

EXPLOSION LEFT OVER FROM
THE ORIGINAL BIG BANG THAT
FORMED OUR COSMOS.

THE ORIGINAL BIG BANG THAT
FORMED OUR COSMOS.
I THOUGHT THEY WERE FORMED

FORMED OUR COSMOS.
I THOUGHT THEY WERE FORMED
BY NORTH AMERICAN SOCCER LEAGUE!

I THOUGHT THEY WERE FORMED
BY NORTH AMERICAN SOCCER LEAGUE!
[LAUGHTER]

BY NORTH AMERICAN SOCCER LEAGUE!
[LAUGHTER]
NOT COSMOS, STUPID,

[LAUGHTER]
NOT COSMOS, STUPID,
THE COSMOS.

NOT COSMOS, STUPID,
THE COSMOS.
AREN'T THEY SOMETHING?

THE COSMOS.
AREN'T THEY SOMETHING?
NOW, THIS BIG BANG THEORY

AREN'T THEY SOMETHING?
NOW, THIS BIG BANG THEORY
OF THE UNIVERSE IS THE ONE

NOW, THIS BIG BANG THEORY
OF THE UNIVERSE IS THE ONE
THAT'S MOST POPULAR WITH

OF THE UNIVERSE IS THE ONE
THAT'S MOST POPULAR WITH
SCIENTISTS RIGHT NOW.

THAT'S MOST POPULAR WITH
SCIENTISTS RIGHT NOW.
OH, YES.

SCIENTISTS RIGHT NOW.
OH, YES.
CARL, WE HAVE THAT IN JAPAN.

OH, YES.
CARL, WE HAVE THAT IN JAPAN.
YOU DO?

CARL, WE HAVE THAT IN JAPAN.
YOU DO?
SURE.

YOU DO?
SURE.
THAT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN

SURE.
THAT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN
A BULLET TRAIN HIT A DATSUN.

THAT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN
A BULLET TRAIN HIT A DATSUN.
WELL, NOT REALLY.

A BULLET TRAIN HIT A DATSUN.
WELL, NOT REALLY.
BUT HERE IS MARVIN WITH MEI

WELL, NOT REALLY.
BUT HERE IS MARVIN WITH MEI
AND KEI TO ILLUSTRATE AN IDEA

BUT HERE IS MARVIN WITH MEI
AND KEI TO ILLUSTRATE AN IDEA
THAT MAY BE EQUALLY AS VALID

AND KEI TO ILLUSTRATE AN IDEA
THAT MAY BE EQUALLY AS VALID
AS THE BIG BANG THEORY

THAT MAY BE EQUALLY AS VALID
AS THE BIG BANG THEORY
OF THE UNIVERSE.

AS THE BIG BANG THEORY
OF THE UNIVERSE.
IT'S THE BIG BAND THEORY.

OF THE UNIVERSE.
IT'S THE BIG BAND THEORY.
[♪...]

[APPLAUSE]

THAT IS REMARKABLE, MARVIN.
REMARKABLE GIRLS.
JUST REMARKABLE.

REMARKABLE GIRLS.
JUST REMARKABLE.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

JUST REMARKABLE.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
I'VE STILL GOT ONE QUESTION,

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
I'VE STILL GOT ONE QUESTION,
DOCTOR.

I'VE STILL GOT ONE QUESTION,
DOCTOR.
WELL, WHAT IS IT?

DOCTOR.
WELL, WHAT IS IT?
WELL, IS THE UNIVERSE

WELL, WHAT IS IT?
WELL, IS THE UNIVERSE
EXPANDING FOREVER OR WILL

WELL, IS THE UNIVERSE
EXPANDING FOREVER OR WILL
THE WHOLE PROCESS REVERSE

EXPANDING FOREVER OR WILL
THE WHOLE PROCESS REVERSE
ITSELF ONE DAY AND TURN ITSELF

THE WHOLE PROCESS REVERSE
ITSELF ONE DAY AND TURN ITSELF
AROUND, EVERYTHING STARTS

ITSELF ONE DAY AND TURN ITSELF
AROUND, EVERYTHING STARTS
TO GET SMALLER?

AROUND, EVERYTHING STARTS
TO GET SMALLER?
WELL, THAT'S THE MOCKINGLY

TO GET SMALLER?
WELL, THAT'S THE MOCKINGLY
INTRIGUING THING, MARVIN.

WELL, THAT'S THE MOCKINGLY
INTRIGUING THING, MARVIN.
WE JUST DON'T KNOW.

INTRIGUING THING, MARVIN.
WE JUST DON'T KNOW.
WELL, GEE, IF YOU DON'T KNOW,

WE JUST DON'T KNOW.
WELL, GEE, IF YOU DON'T KNOW,
I BETTER GET OUTTA HERE.

WELL, GEE, IF YOU DON'T KNOW,
I BETTER GET OUTTA HERE.
WHAT YOUR HURRY, MARVIN?

I BETTER GET OUTTA HERE.
WHAT YOUR HURRY, MARVIN?
WELL, I'D HATE NOT TO WIN

WHAT YOUR HURRY, MARVIN?
WELL, I'D HATE NOT TO WIN
ANOTHER OSCAR BEFORE THIS

WELL, I'D HATE NOT TO WIN
ANOTHER OSCAR BEFORE THIS
WHOLE MISHIGASS STARTS

ANOTHER OSCAR BEFORE THIS
WHOLE MISHIGASS STARTS
SHRINKING, YOU KNOW?

WHOLE MISHIGASS STARTS
SHRINKING, YOU KNOW?
[LAUGHTER]

SHRINKING, YOU KNOW?
[LAUGHTER]
MARVIN, I KNOW THAT IN ALL

[LAUGHTER]
MARVIN, I KNOW THAT IN ALL
SERIOUSNESS YOU ACTUALLY HAVE

MARVIN, I KNOW THAT IN ALL
SERIOUSNESS YOU ACTUALLY HAVE
TO GO TAPE A CEREBRAL PALSY

SERIOUSNESS YOU ACTUALLY HAVE
TO GO TAPE A CEREBRAL PALSY
SPECIAL.

TO GO TAPE A CEREBRAL PALSY
SPECIAL.
THANK YOU FOR DROPPING

SPECIAL.
THANK YOU FOR DROPPING
BY WITH US.

THANK YOU FOR DROPPING
BY WITH US.
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.

BY WITH US.
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
I DIDN'T GET TO MENTION

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
I DIDN'T GET TO MENTION
THAT I WROTE THE THEME OF

I DIDN'T GET TO MENTION
THAT I WROTE THE THEME OF
GOOD MORNING AMERICA.

THAT I WROTE THE THEME OF
GOOD MORNING AMERICA.
GOODBYE, MARVIN.

GOOD MORNING AMERICA.
GOODBYE, MARVIN.
MARVIN HAMLISCH, WHAT A GUY.

GOODBYE, MARVIN.
MARVIN HAMLISCH, WHAT A GUY.
WELL, YOU KNOW, NEXT WEEK

MARVIN HAMLISCH, WHAT A GUY.
WELL, YOU KNOW, NEXT WEEK
WE'LL EXPLORE THE SURPRISING

WELL, YOU KNOW, NEXT WEEK
WE'LL EXPLORE THE SURPRISING
DETECTIVE STORY UNRAVELING

WE'LL EXPLORE THE SURPRISING
DETECTIVE STORY UNRAVELING
THE DEVELOPMENT OF HUMAN

DETECTIVE STORY UNRAVELING
THE DEVELOPMENT OF HUMAN
INTELLIGENCE WITH OUR SPECIAL

THE DEVELOPMENT OF HUMAN
INTELLIGENCE WITH OUR SPECIAL
GUESTS, ERIC ESTRADA AND

INTELLIGENCE WITH OUR SPECIAL
GUESTS, ERIC ESTRADA AND
GLORIA LORING.

GUESTS, ERIC ESTRADA AND
GLORIA LORING.
OH CARL, YOU KNOW

GLORIA LORING.
OH CARL, YOU KNOW
WE LIKE YOU.

OH CARL, YOU KNOW
WE LIKE YOU.
YES, YOU ARE VERY SMART.

WE LIKE YOU.
YES, YOU ARE VERY SMART.
WELL, THANK YOU GIRLS.

YES, YOU ARE VERY SMART.
WELL, THANK YOU GIRLS.
YOU'RE SMART TOO.

WELL, THANK YOU GIRLS.
YOU'RE SMART TOO.
BEFORE WE GO, IS THERE ANYTHING

YOU'RE SMART TOO.
BEFORE WE GO, IS THERE ANYTHING
ELSE YOU KNOW HOW TO

BEFORE WE GO, IS THERE ANYTHING
ELSE YOU KNOW HOW TO
SAY IN ENGLISH?

ELSE YOU KNOW HOW TO
SAY IN ENGLISH?
Both: LIVE FROM NEW YORK,

SAY IN ENGLISH?
Both: LIVE FROM NEW YORK,
IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!

Both: LIVE FROM NEW YORK,
IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!
[♪..., APPLAUSE]

IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!
[♪..., APPLAUSE]
Announcer: IT'S SATURDAY

[♪..., APPLAUSE]
Announcer: IT'S SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE!

WITH BOB NEWHART.

STARRING JANE CURTIN,
GARRETT MORRIS,
BILL MURRAY,

GARRETT MORRIS,
BILL MURRAY,
LARAINE NEWMAN,

BILL MURRAY,
LARAINE NEWMAN,
GILDA RADNER,

LARAINE NEWMAN,
GILDA RADNER,
AND HARRY SHEARER!

WITH MUSICAL GUESTS
THE AMAZING RHYTHM ACES
AND BRUCE COCKBURN.

FEATURING BRIAN DOYLE-MURRAY,
AL FRANKEN,
AND PAUL SHAFFER.

AL FRANKEN,
AND PAUL SHAFFER.
[♪...]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
BOB NEWHART!
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
HOW MANY OF YOU SAW...
A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO,

HOW MANY OF YOU SAW...
A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO,
THERE WAS AN ENCORE AND

A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO,
THERE WAS AN ENCORE AND
BRODERICK CRAWFORD WAS THE HOST

THERE WAS AN ENCORE AND
BRODERICK CRAWFORD WAS THE HOST
OF SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE...

BRODERICK CRAWFORD WAS THE HOST
OF SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE...
DID YOU SEE THAT?

OF SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE...
DID YOU SEE THAT?
[APPLAUSE]

DID YOU SEE THAT?
[APPLAUSE]
BRODERICK HAD ONE OF THE GREAT

[APPLAUSE]
BRODERICK HAD ONE OF THE GREAT
SHOWS, UH, HIGHWAY PATROL,

BRODERICK HAD ONE OF THE GREAT
SHOWS, UH, HIGHWAY PATROL,
IN THE EARLY DAYS OF TELEVISION

SHOWS, UH, HIGHWAY PATROL,
IN THE EARLY DAYS OF TELEVISION
BUT... I THINK PEOPLE TEND

IN THE EARLY DAYS OF TELEVISION
BUT... I THINK PEOPLE TEND
TO ROMANTICIZE EARLY TELEVISION.

BUT... I THINK PEOPLE TEND
TO ROMANTICIZE EARLY TELEVISION.
IT WAS NOT ALL THAT GREAT.

TO ROMANTICIZE EARLY TELEVISION.
IT WAS NOT ALL THAT GREAT.
THERE WERE, THERE WERE A LOT

IT WAS NOT ALL THAT GREAT.
THERE WERE, THERE WERE A LOT
OF PROGRAMS ON THAT WERE NOT...

THERE WERE, THERE WERE A LOT
OF PROGRAMS ON THAT WERE NOT...
FIRST OF ALL, THEY WOULD PUT

OF PROGRAMS ON THAT WERE NOT...
FIRST OF ALL, THEY WOULD PUT
ANYTHING ON BECAUSE PEOPLE

FIRST OF ALL, THEY WOULD PUT
ANYTHING ON BECAUSE PEOPLE
WOULD WATCH ANYTHING THAT WAS

ANYTHING ON BECAUSE PEOPLE
WOULD WATCH ANYTHING THAT WAS
PUT ON THE TELEVISION SET.

WOULD WATCH ANYTHING THAT WAS
PUT ON THE TELEVISION SET.
PARTICULARLY ONE SHOW, THEY USED

PUT ON THE TELEVISION SET.
PARTICULARLY ONE SHOW, THEY USED
TO HAVE TRAVEL SHOWS AND THEY

PARTICULARLY ONE SHOW, THEY USED
TO HAVE TRAVEL SHOWS AND THEY
WEREN'T QUITE AS SLICK AS

TO HAVE TRAVEL SHOWS AND THEY
WEREN'T QUITE AS SLICK AS
THEY ARE TODAY.

WEREN'T QUITE AS SLICK AS
THEY ARE TODAY.
WHAT THEY USED TO DO WAS

THEY ARE TODAY.
WHAT THEY USED TO DO WAS
GET A PROFESSOR FROM SOME

WHAT THEY USED TO DO WAS
GET A PROFESSOR FROM SOME
UNIVERSITY WHO WAS ON A

GET A PROFESSOR FROM SOME
UNIVERSITY WHO WAS ON A
SABBATICAL IN PERU OR SOMEWHERE

UNIVERSITY WHO WAS ON A
SABBATICAL IN PERU OR SOMEWHERE
AND HE TOOK HIS 8 MILLIMETER

SABBATICAL IN PERU OR SOMEWHERE
AND HE TOOK HIS 8 MILLIMETER
BROWNIE, SHOOT A LOT OF FOOTAGE

AND HE TOOK HIS 8 MILLIMETER
BROWNIE, SHOOT A LOT OF FOOTAGE
AND, AND THEN THEY WOULD BUILD

BROWNIE, SHOOT A LOT OF FOOTAGE
AND, AND THEN THEY WOULD BUILD
A SHOW AROUND HIM AND HE WAS

AND, AND THEN THEY WOULD BUILD
A SHOW AROUND HIM AND HE WAS
NOT A TRAINED TELEVISION

A SHOW AROUND HIM AND HE WAS
NOT A TRAINED TELEVISION
PERSONALITY.

NOT A TRAINED TELEVISION
PERSONALITY.
THE SHOW WOULD START OFF WITH

PERSONALITY.
THE SHOW WOULD START OFF WITH
AN ANNOUNCER WHO CAME OUT.

THE SHOW WOULD START OFF WITH
AN ANNOUNCER WHO CAME OUT.
THIS PROGRAM WAS CALLED

AN ANNOUNCER WHO CAME OUT.
THIS PROGRAM WAS CALLED
STRANGE PEOPLES, STRANGE LANDS.

THIS PROGRAM WAS CALLED
STRANGE PEOPLES, STRANGE LANDS.
[LAUGHTER]

STRANGE PEOPLES, STRANGE LANDS.
[LAUGHTER]
IT'S KIND OF AN INSULT TO THEM

[LAUGHTER]
IT'S KIND OF AN INSULT TO THEM
I SUPPOSE, BUT THAT'S WHAT

IT'S KIND OF AN INSULT TO THEM
I SUPPOSE, BUT THAT'S WHAT
IT WAS CALLED.

I SUPPOSE, BUT THAT'S WHAT
IT WAS CALLED.
HE CAME OUT AND HE SAID THIS:

IT WAS CALLED.
HE CAME OUT AND HE SAID THIS:
"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

HE CAME OUT AND HE SAID THIS:
"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
WELCOME ONCE AGAIN TO

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
WELCOME ONCE AGAIN TO
STRANGE PEOPLES, STRANGE LANDS.

WELCOME ONCE AGAIN TO
STRANGE PEOPLES, STRANGE LANDS.
OUR GUEST IN THE STUDIO IS

STRANGE PEOPLES, STRANGE LANDS.
OUR GUEST IN THE STUDIO IS
DR. NICHOLS ROSS.

OUR GUEST IN THE STUDIO IS
DR. NICHOLS ROSS.
DR. ROSS HAS RECENTLY RETURNED

DR. NICHOLS ROSS.
DR. ROSS HAS RECENTLY RETURNED
FROM A TRIP TO PERU AND HAS

DR. ROSS HAS RECENTLY RETURNED
FROM A TRIP TO PERU AND HAS
BROUGHT BACK SOME VERY EXCITING

FROM A TRIP TO PERU AND HAS
BROUGHT BACK SOME VERY EXCITING
FILM WITH HIM WHICH HE CALLS

BROUGHT BACK SOME VERY EXCITING
FILM WITH HIM WHICH HE CALLS
THE SEVEN LOST CITIES

FILM WITH HIM WHICH HE CALLS
THE SEVEN LOST CITIES
OF THE INCAS.

THE SEVEN LOST CITIES
OF THE INCAS.
DR. ROSS?"

"HERE, IN HERE?
[IN ACCENT] WELL, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[IN ACCENT] WELL, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THIS WAS INDEED A VERY EXCITING

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THIS WAS INDEED A VERY EXCITING
TRIP THAT WE MADE TO THE

THIS WAS INDEED A VERY EXCITING
TRIP THAT WE MADE TO THE
SEVEN LOST CITIES OF THE INCAS.

TRIP THAT WE MADE TO THE
SEVEN LOST CITIES OF THE INCAS.
AS YOU CAN SEE HERE IN THE FILM

SEVEN LOST CITIES OF THE INCAS.
AS YOU CAN SEE HERE IN THE FILM
NOW, WE ARE ARRIVING AT THE

AS YOU CAN SEE HERE IN THE FILM
NOW, WE ARE ARRIVING AT THE
MODERN CITY OF SAN SEBASTOPOL,

NOW, WE ARE ARRIVING AT THE
MODERN CITY OF SAN SEBASTOPOL,
MODERN CITY CUT OUT OF THE

MODERN CITY OF SAN SEBASTOPOL,
MODERN CITY CUT OUT OF THE
HEART OF THE PERUVIAN JUNGLE.

MODERN CITY CUT OUT OF THE
HEART OF THE PERUVIAN JUNGLE.
YOU SEE US LOADING UP OUR BOATS

HEART OF THE PERUVIAN JUNGLE.
YOU SEE US LOADING UP OUR BOATS
AND THE COUPLE ON THE DOCK

YOU SEE US LOADING UP OUR BOATS
AND THE COUPLE ON THE DOCK
INTERESTINGLY ENOUGH,

AND THE COUPLE ON THE DOCK
INTERESTINGLY ENOUGH,
IS THE AMERICAN COUNCIL AND HIS

INTERESTINGLY ENOUGH,
IS THE AMERICAN COUNCIL AND HIS
VERY CHARMING WIFE, GLORIA.

IS THE AMERICAN COUNCIL AND HIS
VERY CHARMING WIFE, GLORIA.
THEY, THEY HAD THROWN A FAREWELL

VERY CHARMING WIFE, GLORIA.
THEY, THEY HAD THROWN A FAREWELL
PARTY FOR US THE NIGHT BEFORE

THEY, THEY HAD THROWN A FAREWELL
PARTY FOR US THE NIGHT BEFORE
AT THE AMERICAN CONSULATE.

PARTY FOR US THE NIGHT BEFORE
AT THE AMERICAN CONSULATE.
THE WOMAN YOU SEE DIRECTLY TO

AT THE AMERICAN CONSULATE.
THE WOMAN YOU SEE DIRECTLY TO
THE LEFT OF THE AMERICAN

THE WOMAN YOU SEE DIRECTLY TO
THE LEFT OF THE AMERICAN
COUNCIL AND HIS VERY CHARMING

THE LEFT OF THE AMERICAN
COUNCIL AND HIS VERY CHARMING
WIFE GLORIA IS MY WIFE MARGOT.

COUNCIL AND HIS VERY CHARMING
WIFE GLORIA IS MY WIFE MARGOT.
SHE HAD HOPED TO MAKE THE TRIP

WIFE GLORIA IS MY WIFE MARGOT.
SHE HAD HOPED TO MAKE THE TRIP
WITH US, HOWEVER SHE CAME DOWN

SHE HAD HOPED TO MAKE THE TRIP
WITH US, HOWEVER SHE CAME DOWN
WITH A SUDDEN ATTACK OF

WITH US, HOWEVER SHE CAME DOWN
WITH A SUDDEN ATTACK OF
DYSENTERY AND... THIS MADE IT

WITH A SUDDEN ATTACK OF
DYSENTERY AND... THIS MADE IT
IMPOSSIBLE FOR HER TO GO...

DYSENTERY AND... THIS MADE IT
IMPOSSIBLE FOR HER TO GO...
ON OUR TRIP.

IMPOSSIBLE FOR HER TO GO...
ON OUR TRIP.
[LAUGHTER]

ON OUR TRIP.
[LAUGHTER]
HERE, HERE YOU SEE US SOME

[LAUGHTER]
HERE, HERE YOU SEE US SOME
TWO DAYS LATER BEING TOURED OFF

HERE, HERE YOU SEE US SOME
TWO DAYS LATER BEING TOURED OFF
A SANDBAR IN THE HARBOR

TWO DAYS LATER BEING TOURED OFF
A SANDBAR IN THE HARBOR
OF SAN SEBASTOPOL.

A SANDBAR IN THE HARBOR
OF SAN SEBASTOPOL.
WE'RE STILL, STILL A LITTLE

OF SAN SEBASTOPOL.
WE'RE STILL, STILL A LITTLE
HUNG OVER FROM THE FAREWELL

WE'RE STILL, STILL A LITTLE
HUNG OVER FROM THE FAREWELL
PARTY THROWN BY THE AMERICAN

HUNG OVER FROM THE FAREWELL
PARTY THROWN BY THE AMERICAN
COUNCIL AND HIS VERY CHARMING

PARTY THROWN BY THE AMERICAN
COUNCIL AND HIS VERY CHARMING
WIFE GLORIA.

COUNCIL AND HIS VERY CHARMING
WIFE GLORIA.
HERE YOU SEE US TWO DAYS LATER

WIFE GLORIA.
HERE YOU SEE US TWO DAYS LATER
ONCE AGAIN LOADING UP BOATS

HERE YOU SEE US TWO DAYS LATER
ONCE AGAIN LOADING UP BOATS
IN THE HARBOR OF SAN SEBASTOPOL

ONCE AGAIN LOADING UP BOATS
IN THE HARBOR OF SAN SEBASTOPOL
AND A COUPLE I'M SURE YOU ALL

IN THE HARBOR OF SAN SEBASTOPOL
AND A COUPLE I'M SURE YOU ALL
RECOGNIZE BY NOW, THE AMERICAN

AND A COUPLE I'M SURE YOU ALL
RECOGNIZE BY NOW, THE AMERICAN
COUNCIL AND HIS CHARMING WIFE

RECOGNIZE BY NOW, THE AMERICAN
COUNCIL AND HIS CHARMING WIFE
GLORIA.

COUNCIL AND HIS CHARMING WIFE
GLORIA.
[LAUGHTER]

GLORIA.
[LAUGHTER]
JUST GOT A GLIMPSE OF MY WIFE

[LAUGHTER]
JUST GOT A GLIMPSE OF MY WIFE
TRYING TO MAKE IT BACK

JUST GOT A GLIMPSE OF MY WIFE
TRYING TO MAKE IT BACK
TO THE HOUSE.

TRYING TO MAKE IT BACK
TO THE HOUSE.
[LAUGHTER]

TO THE HOUSE.
[LAUGHTER]
WE ONLY HAD THREE WEEKS IN WHICH

[LAUGHTER]
WE ONLY HAD THREE WEEKS IN WHICH
TO COVER THE SEVEN LOST CITIES

WE ONLY HAD THREE WEEKS IN WHICH
TO COVER THE SEVEN LOST CITIES
OF THE INCAS AND WE'D ALREADY

TO COVER THE SEVEN LOST CITIES
OF THE INCAS AND WE'D ALREADY
BLOWN A WEEK IN THE HARBOR

OF THE INCAS AND WE'D ALREADY
BLOWN A WEEK IN THE HARBOR
OF SAN SEBASTOPOL.

BLOWN A WEEK IN THE HARBOR
OF SAN SEBASTOPOL.
SO HERE YOU SEE US FINALLY ON

OF SAN SEBASTOPOL.
SO HERE YOU SEE US FINALLY ON
UNDER WAY AND ARRIVING LATE THAT

SO HERE YOU SEE US FINALLY ON
UNDER WAY AND ARRIVING LATE THAT
AFTERNOON AT THE FIRST OF THE

UNDER WAY AND ARRIVING LATE THAT
AFTERNOON AT THE FIRST OF THE
SEVEN LOST CITIES OF THE INCAS.

AFTERNOON AT THE FIRST OF THE
SEVEN LOST CITIES OF THE INCAS.
THE NATIVES HERE WERE QUITE

SEVEN LOST CITIES OF THE INCAS.
THE NATIVES HERE WERE QUITE
SUPERSTITIOUS AND IT SO HAPPENED

THE NATIVES HERE WERE QUITE
SUPERSTITIOUS AND IT SO HAPPENED
OUR ARRIVAL COINCIDED WITH

SUPERSTITIOUS AND IT SO HAPPENED
OUR ARRIVAL COINCIDED WITH
A TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE SUN.

OUR ARRIVAL COINCIDED WITH
A TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE SUN.
THE NATIVES BEGAN TO BEG US TO

A TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE SUN.
THE NATIVES BEGAN TO BEG US TO
PLEASE RETURN THE BIG RED

THE NATIVES BEGAN TO BEG US TO
PLEASE RETURN THE BIG RED
BALL TO THEIR SKY.

PLEASE RETURN THE BIG RED
BALL TO THEIR SKY.
WHICH WE DID, OF COURSE.

BALL TO THEIR SKY.
WHICH WE DID, OF COURSE.
[LAUGHTER]

WHICH WE DID, OF COURSE.
[LAUGHTER]
JUST SHOWS YOU THERE ARE LIGHTER

[LAUGHTER]
JUST SHOWS YOU THERE ARE LIGHTER
MOMENTS IN EVEN A TRIP AS

JUST SHOWS YOU THERE ARE LIGHTER
MOMENTS IN EVEN A TRIP AS
SERIOUS AS OURS.

MOMENTS IN EVEN A TRIP AS
SERIOUS AS OURS.
HERE YOU SEE US ARRIVING AT THE

SERIOUS AS OURS.
HERE YOU SEE US ARRIVING AT THE
SECOND OF THE SEVEN LOST CITIES

HERE YOU SEE US ARRIVING AT THE
SECOND OF THE SEVEN LOST CITIES
OF THE INCAS.

SECOND OF THE SEVEN LOST CITIES
OF THE INCAS.
THEY HAD A RATHER UNUSUAL CUSTOM

OF THE INCAS.
THEY HAD A RATHER UNUSUAL CUSTOM
IN THIS PARTICULAR VILLAGE OF

THEY HAD A RATHER UNUSUAL CUSTOM
IN THIS PARTICULAR VILLAGE OF
PROVIDING EACH MALE VISITOR

IN THIS PARTICULAR VILLAGE OF
PROVIDING EACH MALE VISITOR
WITH WHAT YOU MIGHT CALL, I

PROVIDING EACH MALE VISITOR
WITH WHAT YOU MIGHT CALL, I
GUESS, BRIDE FOR HIS STAY THERE.

WITH WHAT YOU MIGHT CALL, I
GUESS, BRIDE FOR HIS STAY THERE.
WE... WE TRIED TO EXPLAIN TO

GUESS, BRIDE FOR HIS STAY THERE.
WE... WE TRIED TO EXPLAIN TO
THEM THAT THIS WAS NOT A CUSTOM

WE... WE TRIED TO EXPLAIN TO
THEM THAT THIS WAS NOT A CUSTOM
IN OUR COUNTRY, HOWEVER WE HAVE

THEM THAT THIS WAS NOT A CUSTOM
IN OUR COUNTRY, HOWEVER WE HAVE
LEARNED THROUGH MANY YEARS OF

IN OUR COUNTRY, HOWEVER WE HAVE
LEARNED THROUGH MANY YEARS OF
TRAVEL, WHEN IN ROME...

LEARNED THROUGH MANY YEARS OF
TRAVEL, WHEN IN ROME...
[LAUGHTER]

TRAVEL, WHEN IN ROME...
[LAUGHTER]
DO AS THE ROMANS DO.

[LAUGHTER]
DO AS THE ROMANS DO.
WE SPENT A TOTAL OF 2 1/2 WEEKS

DO AS THE ROMANS DO.
WE SPENT A TOTAL OF 2 1/2 WEEKS
IN THIS VILLAGE...

WE SPENT A TOTAL OF 2 1/2 WEEKS
IN THIS VILLAGE...
[LAUGHTER]

IN THIS VILLAGE...
[LAUGHTER]
WHICH ONLY LEFT US ONE DAY

[LAUGHTER]
WHICH ONLY LEFT US ONE DAY
IN WHICH TO COVER THE OTHER

WHICH ONLY LEFT US ONE DAY
IN WHICH TO COVER THE OTHER
FIVE LOST CITIES.

IN WHICH TO COVER THE OTHER
FIVE LOST CITIES.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

FIVE LOST CITIES.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
[APPLAUSE...]

[DATING GAME THEME SONG]
HELLO OUT THERE,
I'M JIM LANGE.

HELLO OUT THERE,
I'M JIM LANGE.
AND I HOPE YOU'RE READY TO

I'M JIM LANGE.
AND I HOPE YOU'RE READY TO
ENGAGE IN AMERICA'S FAVORITE

AND I HOPE YOU'RE READY TO
ENGAGE IN AMERICA'S FAVORITE
PASTIME... THE DATING ZONE.

ENGAGE IN AMERICA'S FAVORITE
PASTIME... THE DATING ZONE.
BEFORE WE INTRODUCE TONIGHT'S

PASTIME... THE DATING ZONE.
BEFORE WE INTRODUCE TONIGHT'S
LUCKY BACHELOR, WHY DON'T WE

BEFORE WE INTRODUCE TONIGHT'S
LUCKY BACHELOR, WHY DON'T WE
ALL GET TO KNOW TONIGHT'S

LUCKY BACHELOR, WHY DON'T WE
ALL GET TO KNOW TONIGHT'S
THREE LUCKY BACHELORETTES.

ALL GET TO KNOW TONIGHT'S
THREE LUCKY BACHELORETTES.
AND HERE THEY ARE!

THREE LUCKY BACHELORETTES.
AND HERE THEY ARE!
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

BACHELORETTE NUMBER ONE HAILS
FROM THE BRONX, NEW YORK.
SHE COLLECTS SWIZZLE STICKS

FROM THE BRONX, NEW YORK.
SHE COLLECTS SWIZZLE STICKS
AND COCKTAIL NAPKINS.

SHE COLLECTS SWIZZLE STICKS
AND COCKTAIL NAPKINS.
A FORMER GO-GO DANCER,

AND COCKTAIL NAPKINS.
A FORMER GO-GO DANCER,
SHE HOPES ONE DAY TO BE

A FORMER GO-GO DANCER,
SHE HOPES ONE DAY TO BE
A GO-GO DANCER AGAIN.

SHE HOPES ONE DAY TO BE
A GO-GO DANCER AGAIN.
MEET IRIS DE FLAMINIO!

A GO-GO DANCER AGAIN.
MEET IRIS DE FLAMINIO!
[APPLAUSE]

MEET IRIS DE FLAMINIO!
[APPLAUSE]
BACHELORETTE NUMBER TWO COMES

[APPLAUSE]
BACHELORETTE NUMBER TWO COMES
TO US FROM MARINA DEL REY.

BACHELORETTE NUMBER TWO COMES
TO US FROM MARINA DEL REY.
SHE ENJOYS DECORATING WITH

TO US FROM MARINA DEL REY.
SHE ENJOYS DECORATING WITH
SNAKES AND PIERCING DELICATE

SHE ENJOYS DECORATING WITH
SNAKES AND PIERCING DELICATE
TISSUE WITH HOFFRITZ

SNAKES AND PIERCING DELICATE
TISSUE WITH HOFFRITZ
PRECISION TOOLS.

TISSUE WITH HOFFRITZ
PRECISION TOOLS.
HER AMBITION?

PRECISION TOOLS.
HER AMBITION?
TO WHIP POTATOES FROM 50 FEET.

HER AMBITION?
TO WHIP POTATOES FROM 50 FEET.
LET'S SAY HELLO TO SHONDA

TO WHIP POTATOES FROM 50 FEET.
LET'S SAY HELLO TO SHONDA
THE CAT LADY!

LET'S SAY HELLO TO SHONDA
THE CAT LADY!
[APPLAUSE]

THE CAT LADY!
[APPLAUSE]
AND BACHELORETTE NUMBER THREE

[APPLAUSE]
AND BACHELORETTE NUMBER THREE
IS THE MATA HARI OF THE GROUP.

AND BACHELORETTE NUMBER THREE
IS THE MATA HARI OF THE GROUP.
WE DON'T KNOW WHERE SHE'S FROM

IS THE MATA HARI OF THE GROUP.
WE DON'T KNOW WHERE SHE'S FROM
AND SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHERE

WE DON'T KNOW WHERE SHE'S FROM
AND SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHERE
SHE'S FROM.

AND SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHERE
SHE'S FROM.
HER HOBBIES ARE STARING AND

SHE'S FROM.
HER HOBBIES ARE STARING AND
TRYING TO MILK ANIMALS THAT

HER HOBBIES ARE STARING AND
TRYING TO MILK ANIMALS THAT
DON'T GIVE MILK.

TRYING TO MILK ANIMALS THAT
DON'T GIVE MILK.
HER FAVORITE VEGETABLE

DON'T GIVE MILK.
HER FAVORITE VEGETABLE
IS HERSELF, JUST KIDDING.

HER FAVORITE VEGETABLE
IS HERSELF, JUST KIDDING.
LET'S GREET COLLEEN FERNMAN!

IS HERSELF, JUST KIDDING.
LET'S GREET COLLEEN FERNMAN!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

LET'S GREET COLLEEN FERNMAN!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
NOW IT'S TIME TO MEET THE LUCKY

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
NOW IT'S TIME TO MEET THE LUCKY
GUY WHO GETS TO SCORE WITH

NOW IT'S TIME TO MEET THE LUCKY
GUY WHO GETS TO SCORE WITH
ONE OF THESE LUSCIOUS LOVELIES

GUY WHO GETS TO SCORE WITH
ONE OF THESE LUSCIOUS LOVELIES
AND I DON'T MEAN POINTS, HA HA.

ONE OF THESE LUSCIOUS LOVELIES
AND I DON'T MEAN POINTS, HA HA.
LET'S MAKE FEEL WELCOME,

AND I DON'T MEAN POINTS, HA HA.
LET'S MAKE FEEL WELCOME,
DON JOHNSON.

LET'S MAKE FEEL WELCOME,
DON JOHNSON.
[APPLAUSE]

WELL DON, I GUESS YOU'RE
JUST RARING TO GO.
SEE, I DON'T BELONG HERE.

JUST RARING TO GO.
SEE, I DON'T BELONG HERE.
THERE'S BEEN SOME MISTAKE.

SEE, I DON'T BELONG HERE.
THERE'S BEEN SOME MISTAKE.
I HAVE TO GET BACK HOME.

THERE'S BEEN SOME MISTAKE.
I HAVE TO GET BACK HOME.
MY WIFE'S WAITING FOR ME.

I HAVE TO GET BACK HOME.
MY WIFE'S WAITING FOR ME.
IT LOOKS LIKE LOVERBOY'S

MY WIFE'S WAITING FOR ME.
IT LOOKS LIKE LOVERBOY'S
GOT A CASE OF THE JITTERS.

IT LOOKS LIKE LOVERBOY'S
GOT A CASE OF THE JITTERS.
OKAY DON, HAVE YOU GOT YOUR

GOT A CASE OF THE JITTERS.
OKAY DON, HAVE YOU GOT YOUR
PREPARED QUESTIONS?

OKAY DON, HAVE YOU GOT YOUR
PREPARED QUESTIONS?
UM, NO.

PREPARED QUESTIONS?
UM, NO.
LOOK IN YOUR BREAST POCKET.

[TWILIGHT ZONE MUSIC]
[LAUGHTER]
MEET DON JOHNSON.

[LAUGHTER]
MEET DON JOHNSON.
HE'S AN ORDINARY MAN WHO GOES

MEET DON JOHNSON.
HE'S AN ORDINARY MAN WHO GOES
OUT PICK UP A FEW GROCERIES

HE'S AN ORDINARY MAN WHO GOES
OUT PICK UP A FEW GROCERIES
FOR HIS WIFE.

OUT PICK UP A FEW GROCERIES
FOR HIS WIFE.
ON HIS WAY HOME, HE INNOCENTLY

FOR HIS WIFE.
ON HIS WAY HOME, HE INNOCENTLY
ACCEPTS A FREE TICKET TO

ON HIS WAY HOME, HE INNOCENTLY
ACCEPTS A FREE TICKET TO
A T.V. GAME SHOW.

ACCEPTS A FREE TICKET TO
A T.V. GAME SHOW.
HE FINDS HIMSELF TRAPPED IN

A T.V. GAME SHOW.
HE FINDS HIMSELF TRAPPED IN
A NIGHTMARE FROM WHICH THERE

HE FINDS HIMSELF TRAPPED IN
A NIGHTMARE FROM WHICH THERE
IS NO ESCAPE.

A NIGHTMARE FROM WHICH THERE
IS NO ESCAPE.
SOON HE'LL BE FORCED TO CHOOSE

IS NO ESCAPE.
SOON HE'LL BE FORCED TO CHOOSE
BETWEEN BACHELORETTE NUMBER ONE,

SOON HE'LL BE FORCED TO CHOOSE
BETWEEN BACHELORETTE NUMBER ONE,
THE SAGGING BURNOUT BOOZEHOUND

BETWEEN BACHELORETTE NUMBER ONE,
THE SAGGING BURNOUT BOOZEHOUND
OR BACHELORETTE NUMBER TWO,

THE SAGGING BURNOUT BOOZEHOUND
OR BACHELORETTE NUMBER TWO,
THE BIZARRE DEVIANT WITH

OR BACHELORETTE NUMBER TWO,
THE BIZARRE DEVIANT WITH
A TALENT FOR TORTURE.

THE BIZARRE DEVIANT WITH
A TALENT FOR TORTURE.
OR BACHELORETTE NUMBER THREE,

A TALENT FOR TORTURE.
OR BACHELORETTE NUMBER THREE,
A WOMAN CHILD WHO'S MIND SWIMS

OR BACHELORETTE NUMBER THREE,
A WOMAN CHILD WHO'S MIND SWIMS
WITH A WISP OF A LIFE...

A WOMAN CHILD WHO'S MIND SWIMS
WITH A WISP OF A LIFE...
ONCE PATHETIC, NOW TRAGIC.

WITH A WISP OF A LIFE...
ONCE PATHETIC, NOW TRAGIC.
POOR DON JOHNSON.

ONCE PATHETIC, NOW TRAGIC.
POOR DON JOHNSON.
HE'S JUST STUMBLED INTO

POOR DON JOHNSON.
HE'S JUST STUMBLED INTO
THE DATING ZONE.

HE'S JUST STUMBLED INTO
THE DATING ZONE.
[APPLAUSE]

THE DATING ZONE.
[APPLAUSE]
ALL RIGHT DON JUAN JOHNSON,

[APPLAUSE]
ALL RIGHT DON JUAN JOHNSON,
LET'S LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLL

ALL RIGHT DON JUAN JOHNSON,
LET'S LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLL
WITH THE FIRST QUESTION.

LET'S LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLL
WITH THE FIRST QUESTION.
DO I, DO I HAVE TO READ THIS?

WITH THE FIRST QUESTION.
DO I, DO I HAVE TO READ THIS?
COME ON.

DO I, DO I HAVE TO READ THIS?
COME ON.
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND,

COME ON.
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND,
I LOVE MY WIFE.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND,
I LOVE MY WIFE.
OH, COME ON.

I LOVE MY WIFE.
OH, COME ON.
ALL RIGHT.

OH, COME ON.
ALL RIGHT.
BACHELORETTE NUMBER ONE:

ALL RIGHT.
BACHELORETTE NUMBER ONE:
IF I WERE AN ICE CREAM CONE,

BACHELORETTE NUMBER ONE:
IF I WERE AN ICE CREAM CONE,
WHAT WOULD YOU DO TO ME

IF I WERE AN ICE CREAM CONE,
WHAT WOULD YOU DO TO ME
AND WHAT FLAVOR WOULD YOU

WHAT WOULD YOU DO TO ME
AND WHAT FLAVOR WOULD YOU
WANT ME TO BE?

AND WHAT FLAVOR WOULD YOU
WANT ME TO BE?
[LAUGHTER]

WANT ME TO BE?
[LAUGHTER]
I WOULD LET YOU GET HOT

[LAUGHTER]
I WOULD LET YOU GET HOT
AND MELT... AND THEN I'D CATCH

I WOULD LET YOU GET HOT
AND MELT... AND THEN I'D CATCH
THE DRIPLETS WITH MY TONGUE.

AND MELT... AND THEN I'D CATCH
THE DRIPLETS WITH MY TONGUE.
AND I WOULD HOPE THAT YOU

THE DRIPLETS WITH MY TONGUE.
AND I WOULD HOPE THAT YOU
WOULD BE RUM RAISIN.

AND I WOULD HOPE THAT YOU
WOULD BE RUM RAISIN.
[LAUGHTER]

OKAY.
BACHELORETTE NUMBER TWO:
WHAT ARE THE THREE THINGS

BACHELORETTE NUMBER TWO:
WHAT ARE THE THREE THINGS
YOU CONSIDER ESSENTIAL

WHAT ARE THE THREE THINGS
YOU CONSIDER ESSENTIAL
FOR A GREAT DATE?

YOU CONSIDER ESSENTIAL
FOR A GREAT DATE?
UH, LET'S SEE...

FOR A GREAT DATE?
UH, LET'S SEE...
MANACLES, RAW MEAT, AND...

UH, LET'S SEE...
MANACLES, RAW MEAT, AND...
A MAKESHIFT PLYWOOD PILLORY.

MANACLES, RAW MEAT, AND...
A MAKESHIFT PLYWOOD PILLORY.
YEAH.

A MAKESHIFT PLYWOOD PILLORY.
YEAH.
HA, HA... HOT.

YEAH.
HA, HA... HOT.
[LAUGHTER]

HA, HA... HOT.
[LAUGHTER]
WHO IS THAT?

[LAUGHTER]
WHO IS THAT?
WHAT IS SHE TALKING ABOUT?

WHO IS THAT?
WHAT IS SHE TALKING ABOUT?
[LAUGHTER]

WHAT IS SHE TALKING ABOUT?
[LAUGHTER]
THAT IS GONNA HAVE

[LAUGHTER]
THAT IS GONNA HAVE
TO WAIT TO FIND OUT.

THAT IS GONNA HAVE
TO WAIT TO FIND OUT.
GO ON, GO ON.

TO WAIT TO FIND OUT.
GO ON, GO ON.
BACHELORETTE NUMBER THREE:

GO ON, GO ON.
BACHELORETTE NUMBER THREE:
WHAT ANIMAL WOULD YOU SAY

BACHELORETTE NUMBER THREE:
WHAT ANIMAL WOULD YOU SAY
YOU ARE MOST LIKE?

WHAT ANIMAL WOULD YOU SAY
YOU ARE MOST LIKE?
[LAUGHTER]

BACHELORETTE NUMBER THREE?
WHAT ANIMAL WOULD YOU SAY
YOU'RE MOST LIKE?

WHAT ANIMAL WOULD YOU SAY
YOU'RE MOST LIKE?
[LAUGHTER]

YOU'RE MOST LIKE?
[LAUGHTER]
NUMBER THREE?

[LAUGHTER]
NUMBER THREE?
IS SOMEONE THERE?

NUMBER THREE?
IS SOMEONE THERE?
IN A WAY, YEAH.

IS SOMEONE THERE?
IN A WAY, YEAH.
Don: NUMBER TWO, WHAT ANIMAL?

IN A WAY, YEAH.
Don: NUMBER TWO, WHAT ANIMAL?
UM, WHAT'S THAT INSECT THAT

Don: NUMBER TWO, WHAT ANIMAL?
UM, WHAT'S THAT INSECT THAT
BITES THE HEAD OFF IT'S MATE

UM, WHAT'S THAT INSECT THAT
BITES THE HEAD OFF IT'S MATE
DURING SEX?

BITES THE HEAD OFF IT'S MATE
DURING SEX?
YOU KNOW THE ONE...

DURING SEX?
YOU KNOW THE ONE...
[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW THE ONE...
[LAUGHTER]
UM, PRAYING MANTIS?

[LAUGHTER]
UM, PRAYING MANTIS?
YEAH, YEAH.

UM, PRAYING MANTIS?
YEAH, YEAH.
NUMBER ONE?

YEAH, YEAH.
NUMBER ONE?
I KNOW THIS DOESN'T EXACTLY

NUMBER ONE?
I KNOW THIS DOESN'T EXACTLY
ANSWER THE QUESTION BUT IN ALL

I KNOW THIS DOESN'T EXACTLY
ANSWER THE QUESTION BUT IN ALL
HONESTY I'D LIKE TO SINCERELY

ANSWER THE QUESTION BUT IN ALL
HONESTY I'D LIKE TO SINCERELY
SAY THAT I COULD SHOW YOU

HONESTY I'D LIKE TO SINCERELY
SAY THAT I COULD SHOW YOU
A GOOD TIME SEXUALLY.

SAY THAT I COULD SHOW YOU
A GOOD TIME SEXUALLY.
I GET A LOT OF GUYS WHO STAY

A GOOD TIME SEXUALLY.
I GET A LOT OF GUYS WHO STAY
RIGHT THROUGH TO THE MORNING.

I GET A LOT OF GUYS WHO STAY
RIGHT THROUGH TO THE MORNING.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LOOK, I'M A HAPPILY
MARRIED MAN.
I DON'T THINK THESE BABES

MARRIED MAN.
I DON'T THINK THESE BABES
REALLY GIVE A HOT DAMN WHETHER

I DON'T THINK THESE BABES
REALLY GIVE A HOT DAMN WHETHER
YOU'RE MARRIED OR NOT, DON.

REALLY GIVE A HOT DAMN WHETHER
YOU'RE MARRIED OR NOT, DON.
JUST GO ON AND ASK

YOU'RE MARRIED OR NOT, DON.
JUST GO ON AND ASK
THAT NEXT QUESTION, HUH.

JUST GO ON AND ASK
THAT NEXT QUESTION, HUH.
BACHELORETTE NUMBER THREE:

THAT NEXT QUESTION, HUH.
BACHELORETTE NUMBER THREE:
IF YOU WERE DOING A CROSSWORD

BACHELORETTE NUMBER THREE:
IF YOU WERE DOING A CROSSWORD
PUZZLE AND YOU NEEDED A FIVE

IF YOU WERE DOING A CROSSWORD
PUZZLE AND YOU NEEDED A FIVE
LETTER WORD FOR CAT BEGINNING

PUZZLE AND YOU NEEDED A FIVE
LETTER WORD FOR CAT BEGINNING
WITH P AND ENDING WITH Y...

LETTER WORD FOR CAT BEGINNING
WITH P AND ENDING WITH Y...
[DATING GAME THEME MUSIC]

WITH P AND ENDING WITH Y...
[DATING GAME THEME MUSIC]
UH-OH, TIME IS UP.

[DATING GAME THEME MUSIC]
UH-OH, TIME IS UP.
NOW, WHILE TOM DECIDES,

UH-OH, TIME IS UP.
NOW, WHILE TOM DECIDES,
WE'LL SEE SOME OF THE PRIZES

NOW, WHILE TOM DECIDES,
WE'LL SEE SOME OF THE PRIZES
OUR RUNNERS UP WILL RECEIVE.

WE'LL SEE SOME OF THE PRIZES
OUR RUNNERS UP WILL RECEIVE.
DON PARDO?

Don: WELL JIM, HOW ABOUT
LAPKISS LUCITE BAR STOOLS.

LAPKISS LUCITE BAR STOOLS.
THE BAR STOOLS YOU LOVE

THE BAR STOOLS YOU LOVE
TO SIT ON.

TO SIT ON.
OR, HOW ABOUT A COMPLETE SET

OR, HOW ABOUT A COMPLETE SET
OF HANDSOME MEXICAN TOURISTER

OF HANDSOME MEXICAN TOURISTER
LUGGAGE?

LUGGAGE?
AND LAST, BUT NOT LEAST,

AND LAST, BUT NOT LEAST,
AN ELEGANT BELT BUCKLE

AN ELEGANT BELT BUCKLE
HOLE PUNCH KIT BY FLESCHMAKER.

HOLE PUNCH KIT BY FLESCHMAKER.
IF IT'S A HOLE BY FLESCHMAKER,

IF IT'S A HOLE BY FLESCHMAKER,
YOU KNOW IT'S NOT THERE.

YOU KNOW IT'S NOT THERE.
THANK YOU, DON PARDO.

THANK YOU, DON PARDO.
AND NOW THE TIME OF RECKONING
IS UPON US.

AND NOW THE TIME OF RECKONING
IS UPON US.
WILL IT BE BACHELORETTE

IS UPON US.
WILL IT BE BACHELORETTE
NUMBER ONE?

WILL IT BE BACHELORETTE
NUMBER ONE?
BACHELORETTE NUMBER TWO?

NUMBER ONE?
BACHELORETTE NUMBER TWO?
OR BACHELORETTE NUMBER THREE?

BACHELORETTE NUMBER TWO?
OR BACHELORETTE NUMBER THREE?
I-I CAN'T DECIDE.

OR BACHELORETTE NUMBER THREE?
I-I CAN'T DECIDE.
I DON'T WANT ANY OF THEM.

I-I CAN'T DECIDE.
I DON'T WANT ANY OF THEM.
[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T WANT ANY OF THEM.
[LAUGHTER]
I MEAN, I DON'T DATE.

[LAUGHTER]
I MEAN, I DON'T DATE.
WELL, NOW YOU DO, DON.

I MEAN, I DON'T DATE.
WELL, NOW YOU DO, DON.
SO GO ON AND MAKE A SELECTION.

WELL, NOW YOU DO, DON.
SO GO ON AND MAKE A SELECTION.
UM, NUMBER THREE.

SO GO ON AND MAKE A SELECTION.
UM, NUMBER THREE.
CONGRATULATIONS NUMBER THREE!

UM, NUMBER THREE.
CONGRATULATIONS NUMBER THREE!
WELL... COME ON DON.

CONGRATULATIONS NUMBER THREE!
WELL... COME ON DON.
LET'S MEET THE BACHELORETTES

WELL... COME ON DON.
LET'S MEET THE BACHELORETTES
YOU DIDN'T MEET.

LET'S MEET THE BACHELORETTES
YOU DIDN'T MEET.
BACHELORETTE NUMBER ONE,

YOU DIDN'T MEET.
BACHELORETTE NUMBER ONE,
SAY HELLO TO IRIS DE FLAMINIO.

BACHELORETTE NUMBER ONE,
SAY HELLO TO IRIS DE FLAMINIO.
COME ON OUT HERE, IRIS.

SAY HELLO TO IRIS DE FLAMINIO.
COME ON OUT HERE, IRIS.
YOU'LL NEVER KNOW WHAT

COME ON OUT HERE, IRIS.
YOU'LL NEVER KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE MISSING.

YOU'LL NEVER KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE MISSING.
YOU'RE PROBABLY KICKING

YOU'RE MISSING.
YOU'RE PROBABLY KICKING
YOURSELF RIGHT NOW, HUH?

YOU'RE PROBABLY KICKING
YOURSELF RIGHT NOW, HUH?
Jim: AND BACHELORETTE NUMBER

YOURSELF RIGHT NOW, HUH?
Jim: AND BACHELORETTE NUMBER
TWO: SHONDA THE CAT LADY.

Jim: AND BACHELORETTE NUMBER
TWO: SHONDA THE CAT LADY.
IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND

TWO: SHONDA THE CAT LADY.
IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND
I'VE GOT SOME TONGUE CLAMPS

IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND
I'VE GOT SOME TONGUE CLAMPS
BACK AT MY PLACE.

I'VE GOT SOME TONGUE CLAMPS
BACK AT MY PLACE.
YOU'RE GOOD SPORTS.

BACK AT MY PLACE.
YOU'RE GOOD SPORTS.
AND NOW LET'S MEET OUR

YOU'RE GOOD SPORTS.
AND NOW LET'S MEET OUR
LUCKY WINNER,

AND NOW LET'S MEET OUR
LUCKY WINNER,
YOUR DATE TO BE,

LUCKY WINNER,
YOUR DATE TO BE,
BACHELORETTE NUMBER THREE!

YOUR DATE TO BE,
BACHELORETTE NUMBER THREE!
SHE'S A REAL SPACE CADET

BACHELORETTE NUMBER THREE!
SHE'S A REAL SPACE CADET
AND HOPES SOMEDAY TO HAVE

SHE'S A REAL SPACE CADET
AND HOPES SOMEDAY TO HAVE
A PERSONALITY.

AND HOPES SOMEDAY TO HAVE
A PERSONALITY.
MEET COLLEEN FERNMAN.

A PERSONALITY.
MEET COLLEEN FERNMAN.
COLLEEN.

MEET COLLEEN FERNMAN.
COLLEEN.
COLLEEN FERNMAN.

COLLEEN.
COLLEEN FERNMAN.
COLLEEN.

COLLEEN FERNMAN.
COLLEEN.
COLLEEN FERNMAN.

COLLEEN.
COLLEEN FERNMAN.
HERE, COLLEEN.

COLLEEN FERNMAN.
HERE, COLLEEN.
COLLEEN FERNMAN.

HERE, COLLEEN.
COLLEEN FERNMAN.
COLLEEN!

COLLEEN FERNMAN.
COLLEEN!
OH, WHAT A COUPLE.

COLLEEN!
OH, WHAT A COUPLE.
YOU REALLY LOOK GOOD TOGETHER.

OH, WHAT A COUPLE.
YOU REALLY LOOK GOOD TOGETHER.
WELL, I HOPE YOU BOTH LIKE

YOU REALLY LOOK GOOD TOGETHER.
WELL, I HOPE YOU BOTH LIKE
TO DANCE BECAUSE YOU'RE GONNA

WELL, I HOPE YOU BOTH LIKE
TO DANCE BECAUSE YOU'RE GONNA
BOOGIE TILL YOU DROP TO THE

TO DANCE BECAUSE YOU'RE GONNA
BOOGIE TILL YOU DROP TO THE
DISCO BEAT OF JERRY KRAVAT'S

BOOGIE TILL YOU DROP TO THE
DISCO BEAT OF JERRY KRAVAT'S
DISCO ENCHANTMENT ORCHESTRA

DISCO BEAT OF JERRY KRAVAT'S
DISCO ENCHANTMENT ORCHESTRA
IN THE REVOLVING RESTAURANT

DISCO ENCHANTMENT ORCHESTRA
IN THE REVOLVING RESTAURANT
HIGH ATOP THE HOLIDAY INN

IN THE REVOLVING RESTAURANT
HIGH ATOP THE HOLIDAY INN
IN LOVELY BAKERSFIELD,

HIGH ATOP THE HOLIDAY INN
IN LOVELY BAKERSFIELD,
CALIFORNIA.

IN LOVELY BAKERSFIELD,
CALIFORNIA.
[APPLAUSE]

CALIFORNIA.
[APPLAUSE]
OH, BOY.

[APPLAUSE]
OH, BOY.
ARE YOU BOTH READY TO THROW

OH, BOY.
ARE YOU BOTH READY TO THROW
A BIG KISS, READY?

ARE YOU BOTH READY TO THROW
A BIG KISS, READY?
ALL RIGHT.

[APPLAUSE]
SUBMITTED FOR YOUR APPROVAL:
DON JOHNSON... OPPRESSION'S

SUBMITTED FOR YOUR APPROVAL:
DON JOHNSON... OPPRESSION'S
MINION AND TYRANNY'S GOOD SPORT.

DON JOHNSON... OPPRESSION'S
MINION AND TYRANNY'S GOOD SPORT.
HE ACCEPTED A FREE TICKET

MINION AND TYRANNY'S GOOD SPORT.
HE ACCEPTED A FREE TICKET
AND PAID WITH HIS FUTURE.

HE ACCEPTED A FREE TICKET
AND PAID WITH HIS FUTURE.
NOW HE'S LOCKED IN AN

AND PAID WITH HIS FUTURE.
NOW HE'S LOCKED IN AN
ETERNAL HELL DATE...

NOW HE'S LOCKED IN AN
ETERNAL HELL DATE...
IN THE DATING ZONE.

ETERNAL HELL DATE...
IN THE DATING ZONE.
[TWILIGHT ZONE MUSIC]

IN THE DATING ZONE.
[TWILIGHT ZONE MUSIC]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THE AMAZING RHYTHM ACES!
[APPLAUSE]

THE AMAZING RHYTHM ACES!
[APPLAUSE]
[♪...]

♪ AFTER YOU GET RID OF ME ♪
♪ WHO WILL YOUR NEXT FOOL BE? ♪
♪ I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW

♪ WHO WILL YOUR NEXT FOOL BE? ♪
♪ I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW
I KNOW, I KNOW ♪

♪ I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW
I KNOW, I KNOW ♪
♪ SOME THINGS HE OUGHTA KNOW

I KNOW, I KNOW ♪
♪ SOME THINGS HE OUGHTA KNOW
ABOUT THE GIRL I LOVE SO ♪

♪ SOME THINGS HE OUGHTA KNOW
ABOUT THE GIRL I LOVE SO ♪
♪ BECAUSE AFTER ALL

ABOUT THE GIRL I LOVE SO ♪
♪ BECAUSE AFTER ALL
IS SAID AND DONE ♪

♪ BECAUSE AFTER ALL
IS SAID AND DONE ♪
♪ I KNOW YOU BABY

IS SAID AND DONE ♪
♪ I KNOW YOU BABY
AND YOU CAN'T BE SATISFIED ♪

♪ I KNOW YOU BABY
AND YOU CAN'T BE SATISFIED ♪
♪ YOU CAN'T BE SATISFIED

AND YOU CAN'T BE SATISFIED ♪
♪ YOU CAN'T BE SATISFIED
WITH ANY ONE ♪

♪ YOU CAN'T BE SATISFIED
WITH ANY ONE ♪
♪ SO TELL ME DARLIN' ♪

WITH ANY ONE ♪
♪ SO TELL ME DARLIN' ♪
♪ TELL ME ACES ♪

♪ SO TELL ME DARLIN' ♪
♪ TELL ME ACES ♪
♪ WHO WILL THE NEXT FOOL BE? ♪

♪ WILL HE BELIEVE
ALL YOUR SWEET LIES ♪
♪ HE'LL BE JUST LIKE ME ♪

ALL YOUR SWEET LIES ♪
♪ HE'LL BE JUST LIKE ME ♪
♪ ANOTHER FOOL

♪ HE'LL BE JUST LIKE ME ♪
♪ ANOTHER FOOL
WITH TEARS IN HIS EYES ♪

♪ ANOTHER FOOL
WITH TEARS IN HIS EYES ♪
♪ AND I KNOW ♪

WITH TEARS IN HIS EYES ♪
♪ AND I KNOW ♪
♪ I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW,

♪ AND I KNOW ♪
♪ I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW,
I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW ♪

♪ I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW,
I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW ♪
♪ AND YOU KNOW I'M GONNA BE

I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW ♪
♪ AND YOU KNOW I'M GONNA BE
THE ONE TO TELL HIM SO ♪

♪ AND YOU KNOW I'M GONNA BE
THE ONE TO TELL HIM SO ♪
♪ BECAUSE AFTER ALL ♪

THE ONE TO TELL HIM SO ♪
♪ BECAUSE AFTER ALL ♪
♪ AFTER ALL IS SAID AND DONE ♪

♪ BECAUSE AFTER ALL ♪
♪ AFTER ALL IS SAID AND DONE ♪
♪ I KNOW, I KNOW YOU

♪ AFTER ALL IS SAID AND DONE ♪
♪ I KNOW, I KNOW YOU
AND YOU CAN'T BE SATISFIED ♪

♪ I KNOW, I KNOW YOU
AND YOU CAN'T BE SATISFIED ♪
♪ YOU CAN'T BE SATISFIED ♪

AND YOU CAN'T BE SATISFIED ♪
♪ YOU CAN'T BE SATISFIED ♪
♪ BUT I WANT YOU

♪ YOU CAN'T BE SATISFIED ♪
♪ BUT I WANT YOU
TO TELL ME NOW ♪

♪ BUT I WANT YOU
TO TELL ME NOW ♪
♪ YES I JUST WANNA KNOW

TO TELL ME NOW ♪
♪ YES I JUST WANNA KNOW
BEFORE I GO ♪

♪ YES I JUST WANNA KNOW
BEFORE I GO ♪
♪ WHO WILL THE NEXT FOOL BE? ♪

BEFORE I GO ♪
♪ WHO WILL THE NEXT FOOL BE? ♪
♪ COME ON, TELL ME BABY ♪

♪ WHO WILL THE NEXT FOOL BE? ♪
♪ COME ON, TELL ME BABY ♪
♪ I CAN TAKE IT ♪

♪ COME ON, TELL ME BABY ♪
♪ I CAN TAKE IT ♪
♪ AFTER ALL

♪ I CAN TAKE IT ♪
♪ AFTER ALL
IS SAID AND DONE ♪

♪ AFTER ALL
IS SAID AND DONE ♪
♪ I KNOW YOU CAN'T

IS SAID AND DONE ♪
♪ I KNOW YOU CAN'T
BE SATISFIED ♪

♪ I KNOW YOU CAN'T
BE SATISFIED ♪
♪ YOU AIN'T NEVER

BE SATISFIED ♪
♪ YOU AIN'T NEVER
BEEN SATISFIED ♪

♪ YOU AIN'T NEVER
BEEN SATISFIED ♪
♪ TELL ME, TELL ME, TELL ME ♪

BEEN SATISFIED ♪
♪ TELL ME, TELL ME, TELL ME ♪
♪ WHO WILL THE NEXT FOOL BE? ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE...]

[♪...]

♪ SITTING AT A TINY TABLE
IN A RITZY RESTAURANT ♪
♪ SHE WAS STARING AT HER

IN A RITZY RESTAURANT ♪
♪ SHE WAS STARING AT HER
COFFEE CUP ♪

♪ SHE WAS STARING AT HER
COFFEE CUP ♪
♪ HE WAS TRYING TO KEEP

COFFEE CUP ♪
♪ HE WAS TRYING TO KEEP
HIS COURAGE UP ♪

♪ HE WAS TRYING TO KEEP
HIS COURAGE UP ♪
♪ BY PLYING BOOZE ♪

HIS COURAGE UP ♪
♪ BY PLYING BOOZE ♪
♪ TALK WAS SMALL WHEN THEY

♪ BY PLYING BOOZE ♪
♪ TALK WAS SMALL WHEN THEY
TALKED AT ALL ♪

♪ TALK WAS SMALL WHEN THEY
TALKED AT ALL ♪
♪ THEY BOTH KNEW

TALKED AT ALL ♪
♪ THEY BOTH KNEW
WHAT THEY WANTED ♪

♪ THEY BOTH KNEW
WHAT THEY WANTED ♪
♪ THERE WAS NO NEED

WHAT THEY WANTED ♪
♪ THERE WAS NO NEED
TO TALK ABOUT IT ♪

♪ THERE WAS NO NEED
TO TALK ABOUT IT ♪
♪ THEY WAS OLD ENOUGH

TO TALK ABOUT IT ♪
♪ THEY WAS OLD ENOUGH
TO SCOPE IT OUT

♪ THEY WAS OLD ENOUGH
TO SCOPE IT OUT
AND STILL KEEP IT LOOSE ♪

TO SCOPE IT OUT
AND STILL KEEP IT LOOSE ♪
♪ SHE SAID, "WELL... ♪

AND STILL KEEP IT LOOSE ♪
♪ SHE SAID, "WELL... ♪
♪ YOU DON'T REALLY LOOK

♪ SHE SAID, "WELL... ♪
♪ YOU DON'T REALLY LOOK
LIKE MY TYPE ♪

♪ YOU DON'T REALLY LOOK
LIKE MY TYPE ♪
♪ BUT I GUESS YOU'LL DO" ♪

LIKE MY TYPE ♪
♪ BUT I GUESS YOU'LL DO" ♪
♪ THIRD RATE ROMANCE ♪

♪ BUT I GUESS YOU'LL DO" ♪
♪ THIRD RATE ROMANCE ♪
♪ LOW RENT RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THIRD RATE ROMANCE ♪
♪ LOW RENT RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ HE SAID, "HONEY, UH... ♪

♪ LOW RENT RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ HE SAID, "HONEY, UH... ♪
♪ I'LL EVEN TELL YOU

♪ HE SAID, "HONEY, UH... ♪
♪ I'LL EVEN TELL YOU
THAT I LOVE YOU

♪ I'LL EVEN TELL YOU
THAT I LOVE YOU
IF YOU WANT ME TO" ♪

THAT I LOVE YOU
IF YOU WANT ME TO" ♪
♪ THIRD RATE ROMANCE ♪

IF YOU WANT ME TO" ♪
♪ THIRD RATE ROMANCE ♪
♪ LOW RENT RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THIRD RATE ROMANCE ♪
♪ LOW RENT RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ CAMOUFLAGE ♪

♪ LOW RENT RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ CAMOUFLAGE ♪
[♪...]

[♪...]
♪ THEY LEFT THE BAR,
THEY GOT IN HIS CAR

♪ THEY LEFT THE BAR,
THEY GOT IN HIS CAR
AND THEY DROVE AWAY ♪

THEY GOT IN HIS CAR
AND THEY DROVE AWAY ♪
♪ THEY DROVE TO THE FAMILY INN ♪

AND THEY DROVE AWAY ♪
♪ THEY DROVE TO THE FAMILY INN ♪
♪ SHE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE

♪ THEY DROVE TO THE FAMILY INN ♪
♪ SHE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE
TO PRETEND ♪

♪ SHE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE
TO PRETEND ♪
♪ SHE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT FOR ♪

TO PRETEND ♪
♪ SHE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT FOR ♪
♪ AND HE WENT TO THE DESK

♪ SHE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT FOR ♪
♪ AND HE WENT TO THE DESK
AND MADE HIS REQUEST

♪ AND HE WENT TO THE DESK
AND MADE HIS REQUEST
WHILE SHE WAITED OUTSIDE ♪

AND MADE HIS REQUEST
WHILE SHE WAITED OUTSIDE ♪
♪ HEART WAS BEATING FASTER ♪

WHILE SHE WAITED OUTSIDE ♪
♪ HEART WAS BEATING FASTER ♪
♪ HE CAME BACK WITH A KEY ♪

♪ HEART WAS BEATING FASTER ♪
♪ HE CAME BACK WITH A KEY ♪
♪ SHE SAID, "GIVE IT TO ME

♪ HE CAME BACK WITH A KEY ♪
♪ SHE SAID, "GIVE IT TO ME
AND I'LL UNLOCK THE DOOR" ♪

♪ SHE SAID, "GIVE IT TO ME
AND I'LL UNLOCK THE DOOR" ♪
♪ THEN SHE SAID, "I'VE NEVER

AND I'LL UNLOCK THE DOOR" ♪
♪ THEN SHE SAID, "I'VE NEVER
REALLY DONE THIS KIND OF THING

♪ THEN SHE SAID, "I'VE NEVER
REALLY DONE THIS KIND OF THING
BEFORE, HAVE YOU?" ♪

REALLY DONE THIS KIND OF THING
BEFORE, HAVE YOU?" ♪
♪ THIRD RATE ROMANCE ♪

BEFORE, HAVE YOU?" ♪
♪ THIRD RATE ROMANCE ♪
♪ LOW RENT RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THIRD RATE ROMANCE ♪
♪ LOW RENT RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ HE SAID, "YES I HAVE,

♪ LOW RENT RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ HE SAID, "YES I HAVE,
BUT ONLY A TIME OR TWO" ♪

♪ HE SAID, "YES I HAVE,
BUT ONLY A TIME OR TWO" ♪
♪ THIRD RATE ROMANCE ♪

BUT ONLY A TIME OR TWO" ♪
♪ THIRD RATE ROMANCE ♪
♪ LOW RENT RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THIRD RATE ROMANCE ♪
♪ LOW RENT RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ THIRD RATE ROMANCE ♪

♪ LOW RENT RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ THIRD RATE ROMANCE ♪
♪ LOW RENT RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THIRD RATE ROMANCE ♪
♪ LOW RENT RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ THIRD RATE ROMANCE ♪

♪ LOW RENT RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ THIRD RATE ROMANCE ♪
♪ LOW RATE RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THIRD RATE ROMANCE ♪
♪ LOW RATE RENDEZVOUS ♪
[♪...]

♪ LOW RATE RENDEZVOUS ♪
[♪...]
[APPLAUSE]

[♪...]
[APPLAUSE]
BILL MURRAY!

Announcer: AND NOW, WEEKEND
UPDATE WITH THE WEEKEND UPDATE
NEWS TEAM.

UPDATE WITH THE WEEKEND UPDATE
NEWS TEAM.
HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS

NEWS TEAM.
HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS
BILL MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN.

HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS
BILL MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN.
GOOD EVENING,

BILL MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN.
GOOD EVENING,
I'M JANE CURTIN.

GOOD EVENING,
I'M JANE CURTIN.
HERE NOW THE NEWS...

I'M JANE CURTIN.
HERE NOW THE NEWS...
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT:

HERE NOW THE NEWS...
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT:
DESPITE OUTRAGED PROTESTS

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT:
DESPITE OUTRAGED PROTESTS
FROM SAUDI ARABIA, PBS WILL

DESPITE OUTRAGED PROTESTS
FROM SAUDI ARABIA, PBS WILL
BROADCAST DEATH OF A PRINCESS...

FROM SAUDI ARABIA, PBS WILL
BROADCAST DEATH OF A PRINCESS...
A CONTROVERSIAL DOCU-DRAMA

BROADCAST DEATH OF A PRINCESS...
A CONTROVERSIAL DOCU-DRAMA
WHICH TELLS THE STORY OF A SAUDI

A CONTROVERSIAL DOCU-DRAMA
WHICH TELLS THE STORY OF A SAUDI
PRINCESS WHO WAS EXECUTED FOR

WHICH TELLS THE STORY OF A SAUDI
PRINCESS WHO WAS EXECUTED FOR
THE CRIME OF ADULTERY.

PRINCESS WHO WAS EXECUTED FOR
THE CRIME OF ADULTERY.
THE SAUDIS HAVE THREATENED TO GO

THE CRIME OF ADULTERY.
THE SAUDIS HAVE THREATENED TO GO
INTO PRODUCTION OF THEIR OWN

THE SAUDIS HAVE THREATENED TO GO
INTO PRODUCTION OF THEIR OWN
DOCU-DRAMA ENTITLED "DEATH OF

INTO PRODUCTION OF THEIR OWN
DOCU-DRAMA ENTITLED "DEATH OF
A JEWISH-AMERICAN PRINCESS"

DOCU-DRAMA ENTITLED "DEATH OF
A JEWISH-AMERICAN PRINCESS"
ABOUT A GIRL FROM GREAT NECK,

A JEWISH-AMERICAN PRINCESS"
ABOUT A GIRL FROM GREAT NECK,
LONG ISLAND WHO DIES FROM

ABOUT A GIRL FROM GREAT NECK,
LONG ISLAND WHO DIES FROM
COMPLICATIONS OF A NOSE JOB.

LONG ISLAND WHO DIES FROM
COMPLICATIONS OF A NOSE JOB.
[APPLAUSE]

COMPLICATIONS OF A NOSE JOB.
[APPLAUSE]
OUT OF THE ROSE GARDEN FOR

[APPLAUSE]
OUT OF THE ROSE GARDEN FOR
THE FIRST TIME IN SIX MONTHS,

OUT OF THE ROSE GARDEN FOR
THE FIRST TIME IN SIX MONTHS,
PRESIDENT CARTER SAID HE

THE FIRST TIME IN SIX MONTHS,
PRESIDENT CARTER SAID HE
WOULD'VE ATTENDED PRESIDENT

PRESIDENT CARTER SAID HE
WOULD'VE ATTENDED PRESIDENT
TITO'S FUNERAL ONLY IF THE LATE

WOULD'VE ATTENDED PRESIDENT
TITO'S FUNERAL ONLY IF THE LATE
YUGOSLAV LEADER WAS BURIED

TITO'S FUNERAL ONLY IF THE LATE
YUGOSLAV LEADER WAS BURIED
IN PHILADELPHIA WHERE CARTER

YUGOSLAV LEADER WAS BURIED
IN PHILADELPHIA WHERE CARTER
WAS CAMPAIGNING.

IN PHILADELPHIA WHERE CARTER
WAS CAMPAIGNING.
AND POPE JOHN PAUL II IS

WAS CAMPAIGNING.
AND POPE JOHN PAUL II IS
CALLING HIS TRIP TO AFRICA

AND POPE JOHN PAUL II IS
CALLING HIS TRIP TO AFRICA
A COMPLETE SUCCESS.

CALLING HIS TRIP TO AFRICA
A COMPLETE SUCCESS.
THE PONTIFF HAS BAPTIZED

A COMPLETE SUCCESS.
THE PONTIFF HAS BAPTIZED
THOUSANDS, EXCHANGED IDEAS

THE PONTIFF HAS BAPTIZED
THOUSANDS, EXCHANGED IDEAS
WITH AFRICAN LEADERS,

THOUSANDS, EXCHANGED IDEAS
WITH AFRICAN LEADERS,
AND RECRUITED SEVERAL

WITH AFRICAN LEADERS,
AND RECRUITED SEVERAL
GOOD-LOOKING PROSPECTS FOR

AND RECRUITED SEVERAL
GOOD-LOOKING PROSPECTS FOR
THE VATICAN BASKETBALL TEAM.

GOOD-LOOKING PROSPECTS FOR
THE VATICAN BASKETBALL TEAM.
BILL?

THE VATICAN BASKETBALL TEAM.
BILL?
IN A SURPRISING VICTORY FOR

BILL?
IN A SURPRISING VICTORY FOR
PRESIDENT CARTER, THE RUSSIAN

IN A SURPRISING VICTORY FOR
PRESIDENT CARTER, THE RUSSIAN
OLYMPIC COMMITTEE VOTED

PRESIDENT CARTER, THE RUSSIAN
OLYMPIC COMMITTEE VOTED
UNANIMOUSLY TO BOYCOTT THEIR

OLYMPIC COMMITTEE VOTED
UNANIMOUSLY TO BOYCOTT THEIR
OWN SUMMER GAMES IN MOSCOW.

UNANIMOUSLY TO BOYCOTT THEIR
OWN SUMMER GAMES IN MOSCOW.
THE SOVIETS SAID THAT CARTER'S

OWN SUMMER GAMES IN MOSCOW.
THE SOVIETS SAID THAT CARTER'S
BOYCOTT HAD FORCED THEM TO TAKE

THE SOVIETS SAID THAT CARTER'S
BOYCOTT HAD FORCED THEM TO TAKE
A LONG HARD LOOK AT THEMSELVES

BOYCOTT HAD FORCED THEM TO TAKE
A LONG HARD LOOK AT THEMSELVES
AND THEY ARE ASHAMED OF

A LONG HARD LOOK AT THEMSELVES
AND THEY ARE ASHAMED OF
THEIR OWN BEHAVIOR.

AND THEY ARE ASHAMED OF
THEIR OWN BEHAVIOR.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEIR OWN BEHAVIOR.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
RESEARCHERS OF THE N.Y.U.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
RESEARCHERS OF THE N.Y.U.
MEDICAL SCHOOL HAVE DISCOVERED

RESEARCHERS OF THE N.Y.U.
MEDICAL SCHOOL HAVE DISCOVERED
THAT BY APPLYING ICE PACKS

MEDICAL SCHOOL HAVE DISCOVERED
THAT BY APPLYING ICE PACKS
TO THE TESTICLES THEY CAN...

THAT BY APPLYING ICE PACKS
TO THE TESTICLES THEY CAN...
TO THE TESTICLES THEY CAN RAISE

TO THE TESTICLES THEY CAN...
TO THE TESTICLES THEY CAN RAISE
THE SPERM COUNT AND CURE

TO THE TESTICLES THEY CAN RAISE
THE SPERM COUNT AND CURE
CERTAIN TYPES OF MALE STERILITY.

THE SPERM COUNT AND CURE
CERTAIN TYPES OF MALE STERILITY.
SUBJECTS WHO TESTED THIS COLD

CERTAIN TYPES OF MALE STERILITY.
SUBJECTS WHO TESTED THIS COLD
COMPRESS TREATMENT WERE ABLE

SUBJECTS WHO TESTED THIS COLD
COMPRESS TREATMENT WERE ABLE
TO IMPREGNATE THEIR WIVES

COMPRESS TREATMENT WERE ABLE
TO IMPREGNATE THEIR WIVES
WHO GAVE BIRTH TO ESKIMOS.

TO IMPREGNATE THEIR WIVES
WHO GAVE BIRTH TO ESKIMOS.
[LAUGHTER]

WHO GAVE BIRTH TO ESKIMOS.
[LAUGHTER]
AND A DOZEN THOMAS' ENGLISH

[LAUGHTER]
AND A DOZEN THOMAS' ENGLISH
MUFFINS WEARING PENCIL-THIN

AND A DOZEN THOMAS' ENGLISH
MUFFINS WEARING PENCIL-THIN
MUSTACHES TALKED THEIR WAY INTO

MUFFINS WEARING PENCIL-THIN
MUSTACHES TALKED THEIR WAY INTO
THE LIBRARY OF CONGRESS THIS

MUSTACHES TALKED THEIR WAY INTO
THE LIBRARY OF CONGRESS THIS
MORNING AND STOLE A COPY OF

THE LIBRARY OF CONGRESS THIS
MORNING AND STOLE A COPY OF
TREASURE ISLAND BY ROBERT

MORNING AND STOLE A COPY OF
TREASURE ISLAND BY ROBERT
LOUIS STEVENSON.

TREASURE ISLAND BY ROBERT
LOUIS STEVENSON.
IT'S THE FOURTH TIME THIS YEAR

LOUIS STEVENSON.
IT'S THE FOURTH TIME THIS YEAR
THAT MUFFINS MADE IT PAST

IT'S THE FOURTH TIME THIS YEAR
THAT MUFFINS MADE IT PAST
LIBRARY SECURITY.

THAT MUFFINS MADE IT PAST
LIBRARY SECURITY.
JANE?

LIBRARY SECURITY.
JANE?
ALMOST 30,000 REFUGEES

JANE?
ALMOST 30,000 REFUGEES
HAVE SAILED FROM CUBA TO FLORIDA

ALMOST 30,000 REFUGEES
HAVE SAILED FROM CUBA TO FLORIDA
IN THE PAST 2 WEEKS.

HAVE SAILED FROM CUBA TO FLORIDA
IN THE PAST 2 WEEKS.
THERE IS SOME CONCERN THAT

IN THE PAST 2 WEEKS.
THERE IS SOME CONCERN THAT
AMONG THE REFUGEES ARE HUNDREDS

THERE IS SOME CONCERN THAT
AMONG THE REFUGEES ARE HUNDREDS
OF SOCIAL UNDESIRABLES

AMONG THE REFUGEES ARE HUNDREDS
OF SOCIAL UNDESIRABLES
SUCH AS MENTAL PATIENTS,

OF SOCIAL UNDESIRABLES
SUCH AS MENTAL PATIENTS,
VIOLENT CRIMINALS, FRIENDS OF

SUCH AS MENTAL PATIENTS,
VIOLENT CRIMINALS, FRIENDS OF
BEBE REBOZZO, AND MEMBERS OF

VIOLENT CRIMINALS, FRIENDS OF
BEBE REBOZZO, AND MEMBERS OF
DESI ARNAZ'S ORIGINAL BAND.

BEBE REBOZZO, AND MEMBERS OF
DESI ARNAZ'S ORIGINAL BAND.
THE ST. PETERSBURG HIGHWAY

DESI ARNAZ'S ORIGINAL BAND.
THE ST. PETERSBURG HIGHWAY
DEPARTMENT HAD TO COLLAPSE

THE ST. PETERSBURG HIGHWAY
DEPARTMENT HAD TO COLLAPSE
THE TAMPA BAY BRIDGE YESTERDAY

DEPARTMENT HAD TO COLLAPSE
THE TAMPA BAY BRIDGE YESTERDAY
IN ORDER TO APPREHEND A CAR

THE TAMPA BAY BRIDGE YESTERDAY
IN ORDER TO APPREHEND A CAR
THAT DROVE ONTO THE BRIDGE

IN ORDER TO APPREHEND A CAR
THAT DROVE ONTO THE BRIDGE
WITHOUT PAYING THE TOLL.

THAT DROVE ONTO THE BRIDGE
WITHOUT PAYING THE TOLL.
THE DEPARTMENT APOLOGIZES

WITHOUT PAYING THE TOLL.
THE DEPARTMENT APOLOGIZES
TO OTHER CARS AND BUSES

THE DEPARTMENT APOLOGIZES
TO OTHER CARS AND BUSES
THAT WERE INCONVENIENCED

TO OTHER CARS AND BUSES
THAT WERE INCONVENIENCED
BY THE INCIDENT.

THAT WERE INCONVENIENCED
BY THE INCIDENT.
THE REMAINS OF THE THREE STOOGES

BY THE INCIDENT.
THE REMAINS OF THE THREE STOOGES
WERE PUT ON DISPLAY AT THE

THE REMAINS OF THE THREE STOOGES
WERE PUT ON DISPLAY AT THE
TATE GALLERY IN LONDON

WERE PUT ON DISPLAY AT THE
TATE GALLERY IN LONDON
LAST WEEK.

TATE GALLERY IN LONDON
LAST WEEK.
AS ALWAYS, CURLY WAS

LAST WEEK.
AS ALWAYS, CURLY WAS
THE MOST POPULAR.

AS ALWAYS, CURLY WAS
THE MOST POPULAR.
BILL?

THE MOST POPULAR.
BILL?
THANK YOU.

BILL?
THANK YOU.
THIS JUST IN: SECRETARY OF STATE

THANK YOU.
THIS JUST IN: SECRETARY OF STATE
EDMUND MUSKIE HAS JUST RESIGNED

THIS JUST IN: SECRETARY OF STATE
EDMUND MUSKIE HAS JUST RESIGNED
BECAUSE OF A DISPUTE WITH

EDMUND MUSKIE HAS JUST RESIGNED
BECAUSE OF A DISPUTE WITH
PRESIDENT CARTER OVER NEXT

BECAUSE OF A DISPUTE WITH
PRESIDENT CARTER OVER NEXT
WEEK'S SURPRISE HOSTAGE

PRESIDENT CARTER OVER NEXT
WEEK'S SURPRISE HOSTAGE
RESCUE ATTEMPT.

WEEK'S SURPRISE HOSTAGE
RESCUE ATTEMPT.
CARTER IS TRYING TO GET MUSKIE

RESCUE ATTEMPT.
CARTER IS TRYING TO GET MUSKIE
TO POSTPONE HIS DECISION UNTIL

CARTER IS TRYING TO GET MUSKIE
TO POSTPONE HIS DECISION UNTIL
AFTER THE ATTEMPT FAILS.

TO POSTPONE HIS DECISION UNTIL
AFTER THE ATTEMPT FAILS.
AND ROSIE RUIZ SURPRISED

AFTER THE ATTEMPT FAILS.
AND ROSIE RUIZ SURPRISED
EVERYONE WHEN SHE FINISHED

AND ROSIE RUIZ SURPRISED
EVERYONE WHEN SHE FINISHED
FIRST IN THE SOUTH CAROLINA

EVERYONE WHEN SHE FINISHED
FIRST IN THE SOUTH CAROLINA
DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY LAST TUESDAY.

FIRST IN THE SOUTH CAROLINA
DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY LAST TUESDAY.
[LAUGHTER]

DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY LAST TUESDAY.
[LAUGHTER]
STATE ELECTION OFFICIALS HAD

[LAUGHTER]
STATE ELECTION OFFICIALS HAD
DOUBTS HOWEVER, CLAIMING SHE

STATE ELECTION OFFICIALS HAD
DOUBTS HOWEVER, CLAIMING SHE
ENTERED THE RACE AT THE LAST

DOUBTS HOWEVER, CLAIMING SHE
ENTERED THE RACE AT THE LAST
MINUTE BUT ROSIE TEARFULLY

ENTERED THE RACE AT THE LAST
MINUTE BUT ROSIE TEARFULLY
CONTINUED TO STICK TO HER STORY

MINUTE BUT ROSIE TEARFULLY
CONTINUED TO STICK TO HER STORY
THAT SHE DID RUN IN THE PRIMARY

CONTINUED TO STICK TO HER STORY
THAT SHE DID RUN IN THE PRIMARY
AND SHE PLANS TO KEEP THE

THAT SHE DID RUN IN THE PRIMARY
AND SHE PLANS TO KEEP THE
DELEGATES SHE WON TAKING THEM

AND SHE PLANS TO KEEP THE
DELEGATES SHE WON TAKING THEM
WITH HER ON A CAMPING TRIP

DELEGATES SHE WON TAKING THEM
WITH HER ON A CAMPING TRIP
TO THE POCONO MOUNTAINS.

WITH HER ON A CAMPING TRIP
TO THE POCONO MOUNTAINS.
CBS NEWS ANCHOR WALTER CRONKITE

TO THE POCONO MOUNTAINS.
CBS NEWS ANCHOR WALTER CRONKITE
CATEGORICALLY DENIED REPORTS

CBS NEWS ANCHOR WALTER CRONKITE
CATEGORICALLY DENIED REPORTS
THAT HE WOULD ACCEPT THE

CATEGORICALLY DENIED REPORTS
THAT HE WOULD ACCEPT THE
NOMINATION AS JOHN ANDERSON'S

THAT HE WOULD ACCEPT THE
NOMINATION AS JOHN ANDERSON'S
RUNNING MATE.

NOMINATION AS JOHN ANDERSON'S
RUNNING MATE.
CRONKITE, SHOWN HER WITH

RUNNING MATE.
CRONKITE, SHOWN HER WITH
A LOCAL HOSEBAG REPEATED HIS

CRONKITE, SHOWN HER WITH
A LOCAL HOSEBAG REPEATED HIS
DENIAL IN HIS OWN FAMILIAR

A LOCAL HOSEBAG REPEATED HIS
DENIAL IN HIS OWN FAMILIAR
WORDS: THAT'S THE WAY IT IS.

DENIAL IN HIS OWN FAMILIAR
WORDS: THAT'S THE WAY IT IS.
JANE, JUST WHAT DID YOU

WORDS: THAT'S THE WAY IT IS.
JANE, JUST WHAT DID YOU
HAVE TO DO TO GET MR. C

JANE, JUST WHAT DID YOU
HAVE TO DO TO GET MR. C
TO POSE WITH YOU?

HAVE TO DO TO GET MR. C
TO POSE WITH YOU?
BILL, I DON'T HAVE TO

TO POSE WITH YOU?
BILL, I DON'T HAVE TO
TELL YOU A THING.

BILL, I DON'T HAVE TO
TELL YOU A THING.
AS A JOURNALIST, I'M PROTECTED

TELL YOU A THING.
AS A JOURNALIST, I'M PROTECTED
BY THE FIRST AMENDMENT.

AS A JOURNALIST, I'M PROTECTED
BY THE FIRST AMENDMENT.
WELL, GOOD, AT LEAST YOU

BY THE FIRST AMENDMENT.
WELL, GOOD, AT LEAST YOU
USED SOME PROTECTION.

WELL, GOOD, AT LEAST YOU
USED SOME PROTECTION.
[LAUGHTER AND GROANS]

USED SOME PROTECTION.
[LAUGHTER AND GROANS]
AND NOW TO TALK ABOUT HIMSELF

[LAUGHTER AND GROANS]
AND NOW TO TALK ABOUT HIMSELF
IS WEEKEND UPDATE'S SOCIAL

AND NOW TO TALK ABOUT HIMSELF
IS WEEKEND UPDATE'S SOCIAL
SCIENCES EDITOR, AL FRANKEN.

IS WEEKEND UPDATE'S SOCIAL
SCIENCES EDITOR, AL FRANKEN.
AL?

SCIENCES EDITOR, AL FRANKEN.
AL?
[APPLAUSE]

AL?
[APPLAUSE]
THANKS, JANE.

[APPLAUSE]
THANKS, JANE.
SINCE THE AL FRANKEN DECADE

THANKS, JANE.
SINCE THE AL FRANKEN DECADE
STARTED, A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE

SINCE THE AL FRANKEN DECADE
STARTED, A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE
BEEN COMING UP AND ASKING

STARTED, A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE
BEEN COMING UP AND ASKING
WHAT THEY COULD DO FOR ME,

AL FRANKEN.
NOW, THE OTHER DAY I WAS

NOW, THE OTHER DAY I WAS
STANDING OUTSIDE ROCKEFELLER
CENTER TRYING TO GET A CAB

STANDING OUTSIDE ROCKEFELLER
CENTER TRYING TO GET A CAB
AND I WAS THINKING ABOUT

CENTER TRYING TO GET A CAB
AND I WAS THINKING ABOUT
WHAT I WAS GOING TO DO

AND I WAS THINKING ABOUT
WHAT I WAS GOING TO DO
FOR THIS WEEK'S SPOT

WHAT I WAS GOING TO DO
FOR THIS WEEK'S SPOT
AND I CAME UP WITH THIS,

FOR THIS WEEK'S SPOT
AND I CAME UP WITH THIS,
THIS GREAT IDEA, HILARIOUS IDEA

AND I CAME UP WITH THIS,
THIS GREAT IDEA, HILARIOUS IDEA
AND THEN SOME GUY WALKS

THIS GREAT IDEA, HILARIOUS IDEA
AND THEN SOME GUY WALKS
UP TO ME AND HE SAYS,

"HEY, AL FRANKEN, I'M SORRY TO
BOTHER YOU BUT I'D JUST LIKE TO

BOTHER YOU BUT I'D JUST LIKE TO
SAY I REALLY ENJOY YOUR WORK."
SO I SAY, "GET LOST,

SAY I REALLY ENJOY YOUR WORK."
SO I SAY, "GET LOST,
I'M TRYING TO THINK."

SO I SAY, "GET LOST,
I'M TRYING TO THINK."
SO THE GUY LEAVES, BY THIS TIME

I'M TRYING TO THINK."
SO THE GUY LEAVES, BY THIS TIME
I'D FORGOTTEN THE IDEA.

SO THE GUY LEAVES, BY THIS TIME
I'D FORGOTTEN THE IDEA.
THIS GREAT IDEA I'D BE DOING FOR

I'D FORGOTTEN THE IDEA.
THIS GREAT IDEA I'D BE DOING FOR
YOU NOW IF HADN'T BEEN FOR

THIS GREAT IDEA I'D BE DOING FOR
YOU NOW IF HADN'T BEEN FOR
THIS SCUM WHO INTERRUPTED MY

YOU NOW IF HADN'T BEEN FOR
THIS SCUM WHO INTERRUPTED MY
THOUGHT PROCESS.

THIS SCUM WHO INTERRUPTED MY
THOUGHT PROCESS.
OKAY, SO I GET IN THE CAB

THOUGHT PROCESS.
OKAY, SO I GET IN THE CAB
AND I START THINKING,

OKAY, SO I GET IN THE CAB
AND I START THINKING,
HOW DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME,

AL FRANKEN?
[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER]
AND I FIGURED IT HAD BECAUSE
I WAS TRYING TO GET A CAB.

AND I FIGURED IT HAD BECAUSE
I WAS TRYING TO GET A CAB.
I SHOULD HAVE A LIMOUSINE.

I WAS TRYING TO GET A CAB.
I SHOULD HAVE A LIMOUSINE.
I MEAN, LET'S BE REASONABLE,

HERE I AM, AL FRANKEN,
ONE OF NBC'S FEW BRIGHT SPOTS

ONE OF NBC'S FEW BRIGHT SPOTS
AND I'M FORCED TO COMPETE
FOR TAXIS WITH YOU ORDINARY

AND I'M FORCED TO COMPETE
FOR TAXIS WITH YOU ORDINARY
PEOPLE OUT ON THE STREET.

FOR TAXIS WITH YOU ORDINARY
PEOPLE OUT ON THE STREET.
SO, I START THINKING,

PEOPLE OUT ON THE STREET.
SO, I START THINKING,
WHO DOES NBC GIVE LIMOS

SO, I START THINKING,
WHO DOES NBC GIVE LIMOS
TO ANYWAY?

WHO DOES NBC GIVE LIMOS
TO ANYWAY?
OKAY, NOW THERE ARE SOME CAST

TO ANYWAY?
OKAY, NOW THERE ARE SOME CAST
MEMBERS HERE ON SATURDAY NIGHT

OKAY, NOW THERE ARE SOME CAST
MEMBERS HERE ON SATURDAY NIGHT
LIVE WHO DO GET LIMOUSINE

MEMBERS HERE ON SATURDAY NIGHT
LIVE WHO DO GET LIMOUSINE
SERVICE FROM NBC AND I'M NOT

LIVE WHO DO GET LIMOUSINE
SERVICE FROM NBC AND I'M NOT
GONNA COMPLAIN ABOUT THAT.

SERVICE FROM NBC AND I'M NOT
GONNA COMPLAIN ABOUT THAT.
THESE PEOPLE ARE MY FRIENDS.

GONNA COMPLAIN ABOUT THAT.
THESE PEOPLE ARE MY FRIENDS.
IT WOULD SEEM A BIT PETTY.

THESE PEOPLE ARE MY FRIENDS.
IT WOULD SEEM A BIT PETTY.
BUT GARRETT?

IT WOULD SEEM A BIT PETTY.
BUT GARRETT?
OKAY, ANYWAY...

BUT GARRETT?
OKAY, ANYWAY...
I FOUND OUT THAT NBC GIVES

OKAY, ANYWAY...
I FOUND OUT THAT NBC GIVES
LIMOUSINES TO TOM SNYDER

I FOUND OUT THAT NBC GIVES
LIMOUSINES TO TOM SNYDER
AND GARY COLEMAN.

LIMOUSINES TO TOM SNYDER
AND GARY COLEMAN.
NOW, TASTE ASIDE, THESE GUYS

AND GARY COLEMAN.
NOW, TASTE ASIDE, THESE GUYS
DO STAR IN THEIR OWN SHOWS

NOW, TASTE ASIDE, THESE GUYS
DO STAR IN THEIR OWN SHOWS
SO I CAN'T REALLY COMPLAIN

DO STAR IN THEIR OWN SHOWS
SO I CAN'T REALLY COMPLAIN
ABOUT THEM EITHER.

SO I CAN'T REALLY COMPLAIN
ABOUT THEM EITHER.
BUT NOW, GET THIS...

ABOUT THEM EITHER.
BUT NOW, GET THIS...
YOU KNOW WHO GETS COMPLETE

BUT NOW, GET THIS...
YOU KNOW WHO GETS COMPLETE
DOOR TO DOOR LIMOUSINE

YOU KNOW WHO GETS COMPLETE
DOOR TO DOOR LIMOUSINE
SERVICE FROM NBC?

DOOR TO DOOR LIMOUSINE
SERVICE FROM NBC?
FRED SILVERMAN.

SERVICE FROM NBC?
FRED SILVERMAN.
NOW, HERE'S A GUY WHO IS

FRED SILVERMAN.
NOW, HERE'S A GUY WHO IS
A TOTAL UNEQUIVOCAL FAILURE.

NOW, HERE'S A GUY WHO IS
A TOTAL UNEQUIVOCAL FAILURE.
[LAUGHTER]

A TOTAL UNEQUIVOCAL FAILURE.
[LAUGHTER]
THE GUY'S BEEN HERE TWO YEARS

[LAUGHTER]
THE GUY'S BEEN HERE TWO YEARS
AND HE HASN'T DONE DIDDLY SQUAT

THE GUY'S BEEN HERE TWO YEARS
AND HE HASN'T DONE DIDDLY SQUAT
AND HE GETS A LIMO.

AND HE HASN'T DONE DIDDLY SQUAT
AND HE GETS A LIMO.
NOW, HERE'S A LIST OF THE

TOP 10 RATED SHOWS THIS
SEASON ON T.V..

SEASON ON T.V..
NOW, THERE'S SOME A's THERE,

NOW, THERE'S SOME A's THERE,
SOME B's, SOME C's, SOME S's,

SOME B's, SOME C's, SOME S's,
YOU SEE THOSE?

YOU SEE THOSE?
YOU SEE ANY N's?

YOU SEE ANY N's?
NOT ONE N.

WHY?
'CAUSE SILVERMAN IS A LAME-O.

'CAUSE SILVERMAN IS A LAME-O.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT HE STILL GETS

[LAUGHTER]
BUT HE STILL GETS
LIMOUSINE SERVICE.

BUT HE STILL GETS
LIMOUSINE SERVICE.
I LIKE TO CALL IT "A LIMO

LIMOUSINE SERVICE.
I LIKE TO CALL IT "A LIMO
FOR THE LAME-O".

I LIKE TO CALL IT "A LIMO
FOR THE LAME-O".
OKAY, NOW THIS IS WHERE YOU

FOR THE LAME-O".
OKAY, NOW THIS IS WHERE YOU
COME IN AND YOU CAN HELP ME,

AL FRANKEN.
I WANT ALL OF YOU TO WRITE NBC

I WANT ALL OF YOU TO WRITE NBC
AND PRESSURE THEM TO GET ME
A LIMOUSINE.

AND PRESSURE THEM TO GET ME
A LIMOUSINE.
JUST SEND A LETTER

OR POSTCARD TO:

NOW, THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT.

WRITE THIS ADDRESS DOWN NOW.
GET A PENCIL AND PAPER

GET A PENCIL AND PAPER
AND WRITE IT DOWN.

AND WRITE IT DOWN.
HERE, I'LL WAIT FOR YOU.

HERE, I'LL WAIT FOR YOU.
[LAUGHTER]

NOW, I'M SURE YOU GOT A PENCIL

SOMEWHERE IN THE HOUSE.
GO GET IT.

GO GET IT.
DON'T WORRY.

DON'T WORRY.
I'LL YELL SO YOU WON'T

I'LL YELL SO YOU WON'T
MISS ANYTHING.

MISS ANYTHING.
[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER]
NOW, IF ENOUGH OF YOU WRITE,

NOW, IF ENOUGH OF YOU WRITE,
SILVERMAN WILL HAVE TO

SILVERMAN WILL HAVE TO
GIVE ME THE LIMO.

GIVE ME THE LIMO.
EVEN THOUGH I'VE JUST DECIMATED

EVEN THOUGH I'VE JUST DECIMATED
HIM, THAT'S THE WAY THINGS

HIM, THAT'S THE WAY THINGS
ARE AROUND HERE.

ARE AROUND HERE.
HE'S TIMID, INDECISIVE,

HE'S TIMID, INDECISIVE,
AND EASILY PRESSURED.

AND EASILY PRESSURED.
HE'S WEAK!

HE'S WEAK!
OKAY, ONCE AGAIN,

OKAY, ONCE AGAIN,
NOW THAT YOU'RE BACK THAT'S:

OKAY, NOW IF THIS WORKS
AND I GET MY LIMO,
YOU'LL BE DOING ME,

AL FRANKEN
A GREAT FAVOR.

A GREAT FAVOR.
AND HOPEFULLY I WON'T BE
BOTHERED BY PEOPLE LIKE YOU.

AND HOPEFULLY I WON'T BE
BOTHERED BY PEOPLE LIKE YOU.
BUT IF YOU DO HAPPEN TO

BOTHERED BY PEOPLE LIKE YOU.
BUT IF YOU DO HAPPEN TO
SEE ME GETTING OUT OF MY LIMO,

BUT IF YOU DO HAPPEN TO
SEE ME GETTING OUT OF MY LIMO,
OR MAYBE IN A FANCY HOTEL

SEE ME GETTING OUT OF MY LIMO,
OR MAYBE IN A FANCY HOTEL
OR RESTAURANT, OR PERHAPS

OR MAYBE IN A FANCY HOTEL
OR RESTAURANT, OR PERHAPS
THIS SUMMER IN LONDON, PARIS,

OR RESTAURANT, OR PERHAPS
THIS SUMMER IN LONDON, PARIS,
OR MINNEAPOLIS, DON'T COME UP

THIS SUMMER IN LONDON, PARIS,
OR MINNEAPOLIS, DON'T COME UP
TO ME UNLESS YOU HAPPEN TO BE

OR MINNEAPOLIS, DON'T COME UP
TO ME UNLESS YOU HAPPEN TO BE
AN ATTRACTIVE FEMALE

TO ME UNLESS YOU HAPPEN TO BE
AN ATTRACTIVE FEMALE
WHO'S PREPARED TO ENGAGE IN

AN ATTRACTIVE FEMALE
WHO'S PREPARED TO ENGAGE IN
SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH ME,

AL FRANKEN.
[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER]
THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.
[APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU, AL.

[APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU, AL.
THAT'S THE NEWS.

THANK YOU, AL.
THAT'S THE NEWS.
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, MOM!

THAT'S THE NEWS.
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, MOM!
HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, MOM!
HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[♪...]

[CANONS FIRING IN DISTANCE...]

HOW ARE YOU FEELING, TRAVERS?
IT'S NO USE, MAJOR.
I KNOW I'M A GONER.

IT'S NO USE, MAJOR.
I KNOW I'M A GONER.
I'VE GOT A HOLE IN ME YOU COULD

I KNOW I'M A GONER.
I'VE GOT A HOLE IN ME YOU COULD
DRIVE A BUCKBOARD THROUGH.

I'VE GOT A HOLE IN ME YOU COULD
DRIVE A BUCKBOARD THROUGH.
TRAVERS, IF THERE'S

DRIVE A BUCKBOARD THROUGH.
TRAVERS, IF THERE'S
ANYTHING I CAN DO FOR YOU,

TRAVERS, IF THERE'S
ANYTHING I CAN DO FOR YOU,
YOU LET ME KNOW.

ANYTHING I CAN DO FOR YOU,
YOU LET ME KNOW.
THERE IS ONE THING, MAJOR.

YOU LET ME KNOW.
THERE IS ONE THING, MAJOR.
I'D LIKE YOU TO WRITE MY MA.

THERE IS ONE THING, MAJOR.
I'D LIKE YOU TO WRITE MY MA.
I'VE TOLD HER ABOUT YOU AND HOW

I'D LIKE YOU TO WRITE MY MA.
I'VE TOLD HER ABOUT YOU AND HOW
PROUD I'VE BEEN... FIGHTING

I'VE TOLD HER ABOUT YOU AND HOW
PROUD I'VE BEEN... FIGHTING
UNDER YOUR COMMAND.

PROUD I'VE BEEN... FIGHTING
UNDER YOUR COMMAND.
IF YOU COULD JUST WRITE HER AND

UNDER YOUR COMMAND.
IF YOU COULD JUST WRITE HER AND
TELL HER THAT I WAS A GOOD

IF YOU COULD JUST WRITE HER AND
TELL HER THAT I WAS A GOOD
SOLDIER, THAT I THOUGHT ABOUT

TELL HER THAT I WAS A GOOD
SOLDIER, THAT I THOUGHT ABOUT
HER, AND THAT I WASN'T AFRAID

SOLDIER, THAT I THOUGHT ABOUT
HER, AND THAT I WASN'T AFRAID
WHEN THE TIME CAME.

HER, AND THAT I WASN'T AFRAID
WHEN THE TIME CAME.
SURE SON, I'LL WRITE TO HER.

WHEN THE TIME CAME.
SURE SON, I'LL WRITE TO HER.
THANKS, MAJOR.

SURE SON, I'LL WRITE TO HER.
THANKS, MAJOR.
THAT'S ALL I NEED...

[CANON FIRE CONTINUES]
[MEN GROANING...]

[♪...]
[CANONS BOOM]

OH JEEZ, I GOTTA WRITE
THE KID'S MOM!
I TOLD HIM I'D DO IT, DAMN!

THE KID'S MOM!
I TOLD HIM I'D DO IT, DAMN!
YOU HAVEN'T WRITTEN HER YET?

I TOLD HIM I'D DO IT, DAMN!
YOU HAVEN'T WRITTEN HER YET?
WELL, I'VE BEEN MEANING

YOU HAVEN'T WRITTEN HER YET?
WELL, I'VE BEEN MEANING
TO GET TO IT BUT YOU KNOW

WELL, I'VE BEEN MEANING
TO GET TO IT BUT YOU KNOW
HOW BUSY I'VE BEEN.

TO GET TO IT BUT YOU KNOW
HOW BUSY I'VE BEEN.
YOU HAD PLENTY OF TIME.

HOW BUSY I'VE BEEN.
YOU HAD PLENTY OF TIME.
YOU COULD'VE WRITTEN IT

YOU HAD PLENTY OF TIME.
YOU COULD'VE WRITTEN IT
LAST NIGHT.

YOU COULD'VE WRITTEN IT
LAST NIGHT.
YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO GO OUT

LAST NIGHT.
YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO GO OUT
DRINKING WITH GENERAL GRANT.

YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO GO OUT
DRINKING WITH GENERAL GRANT.
I'LL, I'LL GET TO IT.

DRINKING WITH GENERAL GRANT.
I'LL, I'LL GET TO IT.
YEAH, I KNOW YOU'LL GET TO IT

I'LL, I'LL GET TO IT.
YEAH, I KNOW YOU'LL GET TO IT
BUT IT'S THE KINDA THING YOU

YEAH, I KNOW YOU'LL GET TO IT
BUT IT'S THE KINDA THING YOU
REALLY OUGHTA DO RIGHT AWAY.

BUT IT'S THE KINDA THING YOU
REALLY OUGHTA DO RIGHT AWAY.
I KNOW, I KNOW.

REALLY OUGHTA DO RIGHT AWAY.
I KNOW, I KNOW.
[♪...]

SAY, HAVE YOU EATEN?

I THOUGHT I'D HEAD OVER

TO THE OFFICER'S MESS.
YOU KNOW, YOU REALLY

YOU KNOW, YOU REALLY
OUGHTA WRITE THAT WOMAN.
IT'S BEEN ALMOST A YEAR.

OUGHTA WRITE THAT WOMAN.
IT'S BEEN ALMOST A YEAR.
YEAH, I KNOW, I KNOW...

IT'S BEEN ALMOST A YEAR.
YEAH, I KNOW, I KNOW...
I KNOW I SHOULD BUT I GUESS MY

YEAH, I KNOW, I KNOW...
I KNOW I SHOULD BUT I GUESS MY
PROBLEM IS I DON'T KNOW HOW

I KNOW I SHOULD BUT I GUESS MY
PROBLEM IS I DON'T KNOW HOW
TO BUDGET MY TIME.

PROBLEM IS I DON'T KNOW HOW
TO BUDGET MY TIME.
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT I DO?

TO BUDGET MY TIME.
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT I DO?
I THINK OF EVERYTHING I HAVE

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT I DO?
I THINK OF EVERYTHING I HAVE
TO DO AND THEN I MAKE A LIST.

I THINK OF EVERYTHING I HAVE
TO DO AND THEN I MAKE A LIST.
SAY, YOUR... YOUR REGIMEN

TO DO AND THEN I MAKE A LIST.
SAY, YOUR... YOUR REGIMEN
HAD A LOT OF CASUALTIES

SAY, YOUR... YOUR REGIMEN
HAD A LOT OF CASUALTIES
LAST WEEK.

HAD A LOT OF CASUALTIES
LAST WEEK.
DID YOU WRITE ALL THOSE LETTERS?

LAST WEEK.
DID YOU WRITE ALL THOSE LETTERS?
ALREADY TAKEN CARE OF.

DID YOU WRITE ALL THOSE LETTERS?
ALREADY TAKEN CARE OF.
I EVEN WROTE THE PARENTS

ALREADY TAKEN CARE OF.
I EVEN WROTE THE PARENTS
OF THE WOUNDED.

I EVEN WROTE THE PARENTS
OF THE WOUNDED.
[MOUTHING WORDS]

OF THE WOUNDED.
[MOUTHING WORDS]
[LAUGHTER]

[MOUTHING WORDS]
[LAUGHTER]
LOOK, JUST WRITE

[LAUGHTER]
LOOK, JUST WRITE
A SIMPLE LETTER.

LOOK, JUST WRITE
A SIMPLE LETTER.
DEAR MADAM, I REGRET TO INFORM

A SIMPLE LETTER.
DEAR MADAM, I REGRET TO INFORM
YOU THAT YOUR SON WAS KILLED

DEAR MADAM, I REGRET TO INFORM
YOU THAT YOUR SON WAS KILLED
IN ACTION AT BULL RUN.

YOU THAT YOUR SON WAS KILLED
IN ACTION AT BULL RUN.
HE WAS A GOOD SOLDIER.

IN ACTION AT BULL RUN.
HE WAS A GOOD SOLDIER.
REGARDS, MAJOR JONATHAN JESSUP.

HE WAS A GOOD SOLDIER.
REGARDS, MAJOR JONATHAN JESSUP.
SURE, I COULD'VE WRITTEN

REGARDS, MAJOR JONATHAN JESSUP.
SURE, I COULD'VE WRITTEN
THAT LETTER IF I'D DONE IT

SURE, I COULD'VE WRITTEN
THAT LETTER IF I'D DONE IT
RIGHT AWAY.

THAT LETTER IF I'D DONE IT
RIGHT AWAY.
I MEAN, NOW IT'S BEEN SO LONG.

RIGHT AWAY.
I MEAN, NOW IT'S BEEN SO LONG.
IT'S REALLY GOTTA BE A GOOD

I MEAN, NOW IT'S BEEN SO LONG.
IT'S REALLY GOTTA BE A GOOD
LETTER WITH A LOT, A LOT OF

IT'S REALLY GOTTA BE A GOOD
LETTER WITH A LOT, A LOT OF
NEWS AND STUFF.

LETTER WITH A LOT, A LOT OF
NEWS AND STUFF.
DON'T TRY TO MAKE IT

NEWS AND STUFF.
DON'T TRY TO MAKE IT
A GREAT LETTER.

DON'T TRY TO MAKE IT
A GREAT LETTER.
I THINK SHE'D BE GLAD JUST

A GREAT LETTER.
I THINK SHE'D BE GLAD JUST
TO HEAR FROM YOU, YOU KNOW.

I THINK SHE'D BE GLAD JUST
TO HEAR FROM YOU, YOU KNOW.
I TELL YOU WHAT.

TO HEAR FROM YOU, YOU KNOW.
I TELL YOU WHAT.
THERE'S A... THERE'S A BIG

I TELL YOU WHAT.
THERE'S A... THERE'S A BIG
BATTLE COMING UP AT GETTYSBURG.

THERE'S A... THERE'S A BIG
BATTLE COMING UP AT GETTYSBURG.
THAT'S GONNA BE MY DEADLINE.

BATTLE COMING UP AT GETTYSBURG.
THAT'S GONNA BE MY DEADLINE.
I WILL DEFINITELY WRITE

THAT'S GONNA BE MY DEADLINE.
I WILL DEFINITELY WRITE
THE LETTER BY THAT TIME.

I WILL DEFINITELY WRITE
THE LETTER BY THAT TIME.
[EXPLOSIONS...]

WELL, JONATHAN,
THIS WAR'S ABOUT OVER.
WE'LL BE GOING HOME SOON.

THIS WAR'S ABOUT OVER.
WE'LL BE GOING HOME SOON.
OH, REALLY?

WE'LL BE GOING HOME SOON.
OH, REALLY?
YEAH, THE SOUTH IS FINISHED.

OH, REALLY?
YEAH, THE SOUTH IS FINISHED.
THEY CAN'T HANG ON MUCH LONGER.

YEAH, THE SOUTH IS FINISHED.
THEY CAN'T HANG ON MUCH LONGER.
GEE, I WAS HOPING THEY'D HOLD

THEY CAN'T HANG ON MUCH LONGER.
GEE, I WAS HOPING THEY'D HOLD
ON A FEW MORE MONTHS, YOU KNOW,

GEE, I WAS HOPING THEY'D HOLD
ON A FEW MORE MONTHS, YOU KNOW,
SO I COULD FINISH THIS LETTER.

ON A FEW MORE MONTHS, YOU KNOW,
SO I COULD FINISH THIS LETTER.
FORGET IT.

SO I COULD FINISH THIS LETTER.
FORGET IT.
THOSE REBELS WILL BE

FORGET IT.
THOSE REBELS WILL BE
SURRENDERING ANY DAY NOW.

THOSE REBELS WILL BE
SURRENDERING ANY DAY NOW.
YOU DON'T THINK THE MOPPING

SURRENDERING ANY DAY NOW.
YOU DON'T THINK THE MOPPING
UP OPERATIONS MIGHT TAKE

YOU DON'T THINK THE MOPPING
UP OPERATIONS MIGHT TAKE
A LITTLE WHILE?

UP OPERATIONS MIGHT TAKE
A LITTLE WHILE?
THERE ARE BOUND TO BE SOME

A LITTLE WHILE?
THERE ARE BOUND TO BE SOME
ISOLATED POCKETS OF RESISTANCE.

THERE ARE BOUND TO BE SOME
ISOLATED POCKETS OF RESISTANCE.
THAT COULD TAKE MONTHS.

ISOLATED POCKETS OF RESISTANCE.
THAT COULD TAKE MONTHS.
IF I WERE YOU,

THAT COULD TAKE MONTHS.
IF I WERE YOU,
I WOULD JUST WRITE THE LETTER.

DEAR MRS. TRAVERS,
HAVE YOU EVER SAID TO YOURSELF
WHERE DOES THE TIME GO?

HAVE YOU EVER SAID TO YOURSELF
WHERE DOES THE TIME GO?
[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW FRANK, YOU'RE PRETTY
CLOSE WITH THE POST MASTER,
AREN'T YOU?

CLOSE WITH THE POST MASTER,
AREN'T YOU?
YEAH?

AREN'T YOU?
YEAH?
WELL, SUPPOSE I WROTE A

YEAH?
WELL, SUPPOSE I WROTE A
LETTER AND, AND I PUT

WELL, SUPPOSE I WROTE A
LETTER AND, AND I PUT
BULL RUN AUGUST 1862...

LETTER AND, AND I PUT
BULL RUN AUGUST 1862...
NOW, YOU THINK YOUR FRIEND...

BULL RUN AUGUST 1862...
NOW, YOU THINK YOUR FRIEND...
YOU ARE REALLY UNBELIEVABLE,

NOW, YOU THINK YOUR FRIEND...
YOU ARE REALLY UNBELIEVABLE,
YOU KNOW THAT?

YOU ARE REALLY UNBELIEVABLE,
YOU KNOW THAT?
MAJOR JESSUP?

YOU KNOW THAT?
MAJOR JESSUP?
THERE'S A MRS. TRAVERS

MAJOR JESSUP?
THERE'S A MRS. TRAVERS
HERE TO SEE YOU.

THERE'S A MRS. TRAVERS
HERE TO SEE YOU.
SOMETHING ABOUT HER SON.

HERE TO SEE YOU.
SOMETHING ABOUT HER SON.
I'M, I'M NOT HERE!

SOMETHING ABOUT HER SON.
I'M, I'M NOT HERE!
I'M NOT HERE.

I'M, I'M NOT HERE!
I'M NOT HERE.
TELL HER I WAS CAPTURED

I'M NOT HERE.
TELL HER I WAS CAPTURED
OR SOMETHING.

TELL HER I WAS CAPTURED
OR SOMETHING.
I'M NOT GONNA LIE FOR YOU.

OR SOMETHING.
I'M NOT GONNA LIE FOR YOU.
MAJOR JESSUP?

I'M NOT GONNA LIE FOR YOU.
MAJOR JESSUP?
MAJOR JESSUP, I'VE COME TO SEE

MAJOR JESSUP?
MAJOR JESSUP, I'VE COME TO SEE
ABOUT MY SON, JEREMY TRAVERS.

MAJOR JESSUP, I'VE COME TO SEE
ABOUT MY SON, JEREMY TRAVERS.
I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM HIM

ABOUT MY SON, JEREMY TRAVERS.
I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM HIM
IN ALMOST TWO YEARS.

I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM HIM
IN ALMOST TWO YEARS.
HE, UH, HE HASN'T

IN ALMOST TWO YEARS.
HE, UH, HE HASN'T
WRITTEN YOU IN TWO YEARS?

HE, UH, HE HASN'T
WRITTEN YOU IN TWO YEARS?
WELL, I'M, I'M GONNA HAVE TO

WRITTEN YOU IN TWO YEARS?
WELL, I'M, I'M GONNA HAVE TO
HAVE A TALK WITH THAT BOY.

WELL, I'M, I'M GONNA HAVE TO
HAVE A TALK WITH THAT BOY.
WHY DON'T YOU, WHY DON'T YOU

HAVE A TALK WITH THAT BOY.
WHY DON'T YOU, WHY DON'T YOU
COME BACK WHEN YOU HAVE,

WHY DON'T YOU, WHY DON'T YOU
COME BACK WHEN YOU HAVE,
YOU HAVE MORE TIME.

COME BACK WHEN YOU HAVE,
YOU HAVE MORE TIME.
MAJOR JESSUP, IS MY SON DEAD?

YOU HAVE MORE TIME.
MAJOR JESSUP, IS MY SON DEAD?
DEAD? [LAUGHS]

MAJOR JESSUP, IS MY SON DEAD?
DEAD? [LAUGHS]
OF COURSE HE'S NOT DEAD.

DEAD? [LAUGHS]
OF COURSE HE'S NOT DEAD.
IF HE HAD DIED I, YOU KNOW,

OF COURSE HE'S NOT DEAD.
IF HE HAD DIED I, YOU KNOW,
I WOULD'VE WRITTEN YOU,

IF HE HAD DIED I, YOU KNOW,
I WOULD'VE WRITTEN YOU,
WRITTEN YOU A NICE LETTER.

I WOULD'VE WRITTEN YOU,
WRITTEN YOU A NICE LETTER.
MAJOR JESSUP, IS MY SON DEAD?

WRITTEN YOU A NICE LETTER.
MAJOR JESSUP, IS MY SON DEAD?
YOU PROMISE YOU

MAJOR JESSUP, IS MY SON DEAD?
YOU PROMISE YOU
WON'T GET MAD?

YOU PROMISE YOU
WON'T GET MAD?
[LAUGHTER]

WON'T GET MAD?
[LAUGHTER]
ALL RIGHT.

[LAUGHTER]
ALL RIGHT.
HE DIED OF WOUNDS

ALL RIGHT.
HE DIED OF WOUNDS
RECEIVED AT BULL RUN.

HE DIED OF WOUNDS
RECEIVED AT BULL RUN.
BULL RUN?

RECEIVED AT BULL RUN.
BULL RUN?
THAT WAS TWO YEARS AGO!

BULL RUN?
THAT WAS TWO YEARS AGO!
NO, NO, IT HASN'T BEEN

THAT WAS TWO YEARS AGO!
NO, NO, IT HASN'T BEEN
TWO YEARS ALREADY, HAS IT?

NO, NO, IT HASN'T BEEN
TWO YEARS ALREADY, HAS IT?
WELL, BULL RUN WAS IN 1862

TWO YEARS ALREADY, HAS IT?
WELL, BULL RUN WAS IN 1862
AND THIS IS 1864.

WELL, BULL RUN WAS IN 1862
AND THIS IS 1864.
WELL, I THINK IF YOU CHECK

AND THIS IS 1864.
WELL, I THINK IF YOU CHECK
YOUR FACTS YOU'LL FIND THAT

WELL, I THINK IF YOU CHECK
YOUR FACTS YOU'LL FIND THAT
IT WASN'T THAT LONG AGO,

YOUR FACTS YOU'LL FIND THAT
IT WASN'T THAT LONG AGO,
ALTHOUGH I WILL ADMIT I

IT WASN'T THAT LONG AGO,
ALTHOUGH I WILL ADMIT I
SHOULD'VE WRITTEN, WRITTEN

ALTHOUGH I WILL ADMIT I
SHOULD'VE WRITTEN, WRITTEN
SOONER THAN I DID.

SHOULD'VE WRITTEN, WRITTEN
SOONER THAN I DID.
BUT YOU DIDN'T WRITE.

SOONER THAN I DID.
BUT YOU DIDN'T WRITE.
OH, I'M SURE I WROTE.

BUT YOU DIDN'T WRITE.
OH, I'M SURE I WROTE.
MAYBE YOU JUST, YOU KNOW,

OH, I'M SURE I WROTE.
MAYBE YOU JUST, YOU KNOW,
YOU JUST FORGOT.

MAYBE YOU JUST, YOU KNOW,
YOU JUST FORGOT.
WELL, I WOULD'VE REMEMBERED

YOU JUST FORGOT.
WELL, I WOULD'VE REMEMBERED
A LETTER AS IMPORTANT ABOUT

WELL, I WOULD'VE REMEMBERED
A LETTER AS IMPORTANT ABOUT
MY SON'S DEATH.

A LETTER AS IMPORTANT ABOUT
MY SON'S DEATH.
OH, PERHAPS YOU'RE RIGHT.

MY SON'S DEATH.
OH, PERHAPS YOU'RE RIGHT.
MAYBE I... THAT'S IT,

OH, PERHAPS YOU'RE RIGHT.
MAYBE I... THAT'S IT,
I WROTE IT AND I DIDN'T

MAYBE I... THAT'S IT,
I WROTE IT AND I DIDN'T
MAIL IT OR SOMETHING.

I WROTE IT AND I DIDN'T
MAIL IT OR SOMETHING.
YOU'RE NOT MAD, ARE YOU?

MAIL IT OR SOMETHING.
YOU'RE NOT MAD, ARE YOU?
YOU PROMISED YOU WOULDN'T

YOU'RE NOT MAD, ARE YOU?
YOU PROMISED YOU WOULDN'T
GET MAD.

YOU PROMISED YOU WOULDN'T
GET MAD.
GETTING ANGRY WOULDN'T

GET MAD.
GETTING ANGRY WOULDN'T
BRING JEREMY BACK.

GETTING ANGRY WOULDN'T
BRING JEREMY BACK.
EXACTLY. [LAUGHS]

BRING JEREMY BACK.
EXACTLY. [LAUGHS]
WELL, THAT IS A TREMENDOUS

EXACTLY. [LAUGHS]
WELL, THAT IS A TREMENDOUS
LOAD OFF MY MIND.

WELL, THAT IS A TREMENDOUS
LOAD OFF MY MIND.
NOT HAVING TO, NOT HAVING

LOAD OFF MY MIND.
NOT HAVING TO, NOT HAVING
TO WRITE THAT LETTER.

NOT HAVING TO, NOT HAVING
TO WRITE THAT LETTER.
FRANK HERE WILL TELL YOU THAT.

TO WRITE THAT LETTER.
FRANK HERE WILL TELL YOU THAT.
IT'S JUST BEEN DRIVING ME CRAZY.

FRANK HERE WILL TELL YOU THAT.
IT'S JUST BEEN DRIVING ME CRAZY.
YEAH, HIM AND ME BOTH.

IT'S JUST BEEN DRIVING ME CRAZY.
YEAH, HIM AND ME BOTH.
THIS CALLS FOR A CELEBRATION.

YEAH, HIM AND ME BOTH.
THIS CALLS FOR A CELEBRATION.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO

THIS CALLS FOR A CELEBRATION.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO
GENERAL GRANT'S?

WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO
GENERAL GRANT'S?
IT'S BOURBON AND WATER NIGHT.

GENERAL GRANT'S?
IT'S BOURBON AND WATER NIGHT.
[LAUGHS]

IT'S BOURBON AND WATER NIGHT.
[LAUGHS]
I TELL YOU WHAT.

[LAUGHS]
I TELL YOU WHAT.
AFTER ALL YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH

I TELL YOU WHAT.
AFTER ALL YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH
IT'LL BE MY TREAT.

AFTER ALL YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH
IT'LL BE MY TREAT.
WELL, I'LL GO FOR A HALF HOUR

IT'LL BE MY TREAT.
WELL, I'LL GO FOR A HALF HOUR
OR SO BUT I REALLY SHOULD

WELL, I'LL GO FOR A HALF HOUR
OR SO BUT I REALLY SHOULD
WRITE MY HUSBAND.

OR SO BUT I REALLY SHOULD
WRITE MY HUSBAND.
WELL, I TELL YOU WHAT I DO.

WRITE MY HUSBAND.
WELL, I TELL YOU WHAT I DO.
TRY TO MAKE IT JUST AS SIMPLE...

WELL, I TELL YOU WHAT I DO.
TRY TO MAKE IT JUST AS SIMPLE...
[♪..., APPLAUSE...]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
ALL THE WAY FROM CANADA,
BRUCE COCKBURN!

ALL THE WAY FROM CANADA,
BRUCE COCKBURN!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

BRUCE COCKBURN!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[♪...]

♪ SUN'S UP, MM-HMM, LOOKS OKAY ♪
♪ THE WORLD SURVIVES
INTO ANOTHER DAY ♪

♪ THE WORLD SURVIVES
INTO ANOTHER DAY ♪
♪ AND I'M THINKING

INTO ANOTHER DAY ♪
♪ AND I'M THINKING
ABOUT ETERNITY ♪

♪ AND I'M THINKING
ABOUT ETERNITY ♪
♪ SOME KIND OF ECSTASY

ABOUT ETERNITY ♪
♪ SOME KIND OF ECSTASY
GOT A HOLD ON ME ♪

♪ I HAD ANOTHER DREAM
ABOUT LIONS AT THE DOOR ♪
♪ THEY WEREN'T HALF AS

ABOUT LIONS AT THE DOOR ♪
♪ THEY WEREN'T HALF AS
FRIGHTENING AS THEY

♪ THEY WEREN'T HALF AS
FRIGHTENING AS THEY
WERE BEFORE ♪

FRIGHTENING AS THEY
WERE BEFORE ♪
♪ BUT I'M THINKING

WERE BEFORE ♪
♪ BUT I'M THINKING
ABOUT ETERNITY ♪

♪ BUT I'M THINKING
ABOUT ETERNITY ♪
♪ SOME KIND OF ECSTASY

ABOUT ETERNITY ♪
♪ SOME KIND OF ECSTASY
GOT A HOLD ON ME ♪

♪ WALLS WINDOWS TREES ♪
♪ WAVES COMING THROUGH ♪
♪ YOU BE IN ME AND

♪ WAVES COMING THROUGH ♪
♪ YOU BE IN ME AND
I'LL BE IN YOU ♪

♪ YOU BE IN ME AND
I'LL BE IN YOU ♪
♪ TOGETHER IN ETERNITY ♪

I'LL BE IN YOU ♪
♪ TOGETHER IN ETERNITY ♪
♪ SOME KIND OF ECSTASY

♪ TOGETHER IN ETERNITY ♪
♪ SOME KIND OF ECSTASY
GOT A HOLD ON ME ♪

♪ UP AMONG THE FIRS
WHERE IT SMELLS SO SWEET ♪
♪ OR DOWN IN THE VALLEY

WHERE IT SMELLS SO SWEET ♪
♪ OR DOWN IN THE VALLEY
WHERE THE RIVER USED TO BE ♪

♪ OR DOWN IN THE VALLEY
WHERE THE RIVER USED TO BE ♪
♪ I GOT MY MIND ON ETERNITY ♪

WHERE THE RIVER USED TO BE ♪
♪ I GOT MY MIND ON ETERNITY ♪
♪ SOME KIND OF ECSTASY

♪ I GOT MY MIND ON ETERNITY ♪
♪ SOME KIND OF ECSTASY
GOT A HOLD ON ME ♪

♪ SOME KIND OF ECSTASY
GOT A HOLD ON ME ♪
♪ AND I'M WONDERING

GOT A HOLD ON ME ♪
♪ AND I'M WONDERING
WHERE THE LIONS ARE ♪

♪ AND I'M WONDERING
WHERE THE LIONS ARE ♪
♪ I'M WONDERING

WHERE THE LIONS ARE ♪
♪ I'M WONDERING
WHERE THE LIONS ARE ♪

♪ I'M WONDERING
WHERE THE LIONS ARE ♪
♪ WHOA, WONDERING

WHERE THE LIONS ARE ♪
♪ WHOA, WONDERING
WHERE THE LIONS ARE ♪

♪ WHOA, WONDERING
WHERE THE LIONS ARE ♪
♪ HEY, HEY, I'M WONDERING

WHERE THE LIONS ARE ♪
♪ HEY, HEY, I'M WONDERING
WHERE THE LIONS ARE ♪

♪ HEY, HEY, I'M WONDERING
WHERE THE LIONS ARE ♪
♪ OH, I'M WONDERING

WHERE THE LIONS ARE ♪
♪ OH, I'M WONDERING
WHERE THE LIONS ARE ♪

♪ OH, I'M WONDERING
WHERE THE LIONS ARE ♪
[♪...]

♪ HUGE ORANGE FLYING BOAT
RISES OFF A LAKE ♪
♪ THOUSAND-YEAR-OLD PETROGLYPHS

RISES OFF A LAKE ♪
♪ THOUSAND-YEAR-OLD PETROGLYPHS
DOING A DOUBLE TAKE ♪

♪ THOUSAND-YEAR-OLD PETROGLYPHS
DOING A DOUBLE TAKE ♪
♪ POINTING A FINGER

DOING A DOUBLE TAKE ♪
♪ POINTING A FINGER
AT ETERNITY ♪

♪ POINTING A FINGER
AT ETERNITY ♪
♪ I'M SITTING IN THE MIDDLE

AT ETERNITY ♪
♪ I'M SITTING IN THE MIDDLE
OF THIS ECSTASY ♪

♪ YOUNG MEN MARCHING,
HELMETS SHINING IN THE SUN ♪
♪ POLISHED AND PRECISE LIKE

HELMETS SHINING IN THE SUN ♪
♪ POLISHED AND PRECISE LIKE
THE BRAIN BEHIND THE GUN ♪

♪ POLISHED AND PRECISE LIKE
THE BRAIN BEHIND THE GUN ♪
♪ (SHOULD BE) THEY GOT ME

THE BRAIN BEHIND THE GUN ♪
♪ (SHOULD BE) THEY GOT ME
THINKING ABOUT ETERNITY ♪

♪ (SHOULD BE) THEY GOT ME
THINKING ABOUT ETERNITY ♪
♪ BUT SOME KIND OF ECSTASY

THINKING ABOUT ETERNITY ♪
♪ BUT SOME KIND OF ECSTASY
GOT A HOLD ON ME ♪

♪ AND I'M WONDERING
WHERE THE LIONS ARE ♪
♪ I'M WONDERING

WHERE THE LIONS ARE ♪
♪ I'M WONDERING
WHERE THE LIONS ARE ♪

♪ I'M WONDERING
WHERE THE LIONS ARE ♪
♪ WHOA, WONDERING

WHERE THE LIONS ARE ♪
♪ WHOA, WONDERING
WHERE THE LIONS ARE ♪

♪ WHOA, WONDERING
WHERE THE LIONS ARE ♪
♪ I'M WONDERING

WHERE THE LIONS ARE ♪
♪ I'M WONDERING
WHERE THE LIONS ARE ♪

♪ I'M WONDERING
WHERE THE LIONS ARE ♪
♪ OH, I'M WONDERING

WHERE THE LIONS ARE ♪
♪ OH, I'M WONDERING
WHERE THE LIONS ARE ♪

♪ OH, I'M WONDERING
WHERE THE LIONS ARE ♪
♪ HEY, HEY, I'M WONDERING

WHERE THE LIONS ARE ♪
♪ HEY, HEY, I'M WONDERING
WHERE THE LIONS ARE ♪

♪ HEY, HEY, I'M WONDERING
WHERE THE LIONS ARE ♪
[♪...]

♪ FREIGHTERS ON THE NOD
ON THE SURFACE OF THE BAY ♪
♪ ONE OF THESE DAYS

ON THE SURFACE OF THE BAY ♪
♪ ONE OF THESE DAYS
WE'RE GOING TO SAIL AWAY ♪

♪ ONE OF THESE DAYS
WE'RE GOING TO SAIL AWAY ♪
♪ GOING TO SAIL INTO ETERNITY ♪

WE'RE GOING TO SAIL AWAY ♪
♪ GOING TO SAIL INTO ETERNITY ♪
♪ SOME KIND OF ECSTASY

♪ GOING TO SAIL INTO ETERNITY ♪
♪ SOME KIND OF ECSTASY
GOT A HOLD ON ME ♪

♪ SOME KIND OF ECSTASY
GOT A HOLD ON ME ♪
♪ AND WHAT AM I DOING? ♪

GOT A HOLD ON ME ♪
♪ AND WHAT AM I DOING? ♪
♪ I'M WONDERING

♪ AND WHAT AM I DOING? ♪
♪ I'M WONDERING
WHERE THE LIONS ARE ♪

♪ I'M WONDERING
WHERE THE LIONS ARE ♪
♪ I'M WONDERING

WHERE THE LIONS ARE ♪
♪ I'M WONDERING
WHERE THE LIONS ARE ♪

♪ I'M WONDERING
WHERE THE LIONS ARE ♪
♪ WHOA, WONDERING

WHERE THE LIONS ARE ♪
♪ WHOA, WONDERING
WHERE THE LIONS ARE ♪

♪ WHOA, WONDERING
WHERE THE LIONS ARE ♪
♪ HEY, HEY, I'M WONDERING

WHERE THE LIONS ARE ♪
♪ HEY, HEY, I'M WONDERING
WHERE THE LIONS ARE ♪

♪ HEY, HEY, I'M WONDERING
WHERE THE LIONS ARE ♪
♪ HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY ♪

WHERE THE LIONS ARE ♪
♪ HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY ♪
♪ HEY, HEY ♪

♪ HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY ♪
♪ HEY, HEY ♪
♪ HEY, HEY, HEY ♪

♪ HEY, HEY ♪
♪ HEY, HEY, HEY ♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,

♪ HEY, HEY, HEY ♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪

♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪
[SCATTING, ♪...]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE...]

[PHONE RINGS...]

HELLO?
DAVE'S VARIETY STORE.
OH HI, CATHY.

DAVE'S VARIETY STORE.
OH HI, CATHY.
NO, THINGS ARE KINDA SLOW TODAY.

OH HI, CATHY.
NO, THINGS ARE KINDA SLOW TODAY.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, YOUR MOM

NO, THINGS ARE KINDA SLOW TODAY.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, YOUR MOM
AND I ARE THINKING ABOUT

AS A MATTER OF FACT, YOUR MOM
AND I ARE THINKING ABOUT
CLOSING UP SOON.

AND I ARE THINKING ABOUT
CLOSING UP SOON.
I-I WILL.

CLOSING UP SOON.
I-I WILL.
GOODBYE, SWEETHEART.

I-I WILL.
GOODBYE, SWEETHEART.
I, UH, I PUT THOSE BOXES

GOODBYE, SWEETHEART.
I, UH, I PUT THOSE BOXES
OUT IN THE BACK, HONEY.

I, UH, I PUT THOSE BOXES
OUT IN THE BACK, HONEY.
OH GOOD, WE CAN USE THE ROOM.

OUT IN THE BACK, HONEY.
OH GOOD, WE CAN USE THE ROOM.
[BELL DINGS]

OH GOOD, WE CAN USE THE ROOM.
[BELL DINGS]
HI.

[BELL DINGS]
HI.
HIYA DAVE.

HI.
HIYA DAVE.
HI BETTY.

HIYA DAVE.
HI BETTY.
Dave: HEY, HI PETE.

HI BETTY.
Dave: HEY, HI PETE.
HI RUTH.

Dave: HEY, HI PETE.
HI RUTH.
HOW ARE YOU TWO TODAY?

HI RUTH.
HOW ARE YOU TWO TODAY?
TERRIFIC.

HOW ARE YOU TWO TODAY?
TERRIFIC.
YEAH, EVERYTHING'S

TERRIFIC.
YEAH, EVERYTHING'S
JUST FINE, DAVE.

YEAH, EVERYTHING'S
JUST FINE, DAVE.
SAY DAVE, WOULD YOU HAVE

JUST FINE, DAVE.
SAY DAVE, WOULD YOU HAVE
ANY OF THOSE GLASS PRISMS?

SAY DAVE, WOULD YOU HAVE
ANY OF THOSE GLASS PRISMS?
YOU KNOW, THE THING YOU HOLD UP

ANY OF THOSE GLASS PRISMS?
YOU KNOW, THE THING YOU HOLD UP
TO THE SUNLIGHT AND IT BREAKS

YOU KNOW, THE THING YOU HOLD UP
TO THE SUNLIGHT AND IT BREAKS
THE LIGHT INTO RAINBOWS.

TO THE SUNLIGHT AND IT BREAKS
THE LIGHT INTO RAINBOWS.
YEAH, I THINK WE DO.

THE LIGHT INTO RAINBOWS.
YEAH, I THINK WE DO.
HOW MANY DO YOU WANT, PETE?

YEAH, I THINK WE DO.
HOW MANY DO YOU WANT, PETE?
TWO WOULD BE GREAT, BETTY.

HOW MANY DO YOU WANT, PETE?
TWO WOULD BE GREAT, BETTY.
GREAT.

TWO WOULD BE GREAT, BETTY.
GREAT.
THERE YOU GO.

GREAT.
THERE YOU GO.
HEY, WHAT DO I

THERE YOU GO.
HEY, WHAT DO I
OWE YOU FOR THESE?

HEY, WHAT DO I
OWE YOU FOR THESE?
UH, LET'S SAY $5.00.

OWE YOU FOR THESE?
UH, LET'S SAY $5.00.
THAT'S ALL I GOT.

UH, LET'S SAY $5.00.
THAT'S ALL I GOT.
GREAT, THANKS DAVE.

THAT'S ALL I GOT.
GREAT, THANKS DAVE.
MAYBE WE'LL GET TOGETHER

GREAT, THANKS DAVE.
MAYBE WE'LL GET TOGETHER
THIS WEEKEND.

MAYBE WE'LL GET TOGETHER
THIS WEEKEND.
I'LL GIVE YOU A CALL.

THIS WEEKEND.
I'LL GIVE YOU A CALL.
OKAY, GREAT.

I'LL GIVE YOU A CALL.
OKAY, GREAT.
THANKS AGAIN.

OKAY, GREAT.
THANKS AGAIN.
[BELL DINGS]

THANKS AGAIN.
[BELL DINGS]
HONEY, WHY DON'T WE GO

[BELL DINGS]
HONEY, WHY DON'T WE GO
TO A RESTAURANT TONIGHT?

HONEY, WHY DON'T WE GO
TO A RESTAURANT TONIGHT?
OH, NOT TONIGHT DAVE.

TO A RESTAURANT TONIGHT?
OH, NOT TONIGHT DAVE.
I JUST HAVE THAT HALF A ROAST

OH, NOT TONIGHT DAVE.
I JUST HAVE THAT HALF A ROAST
IN THE REFRIGERATOR.

I JUST HAVE THAT HALF A ROAST
IN THE REFRIGERATOR.
[BELL DINGS]

IN THE REFRIGERATOR.
[BELL DINGS]
HI, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

[BELL DINGS]
HI, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?
WELL, I'VE BEEN RUNNING

HI, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?
WELL, I'VE BEEN RUNNING
ALL OVER TOWN TRYING TO FIND

WELL, I'VE BEEN RUNNING
ALL OVER TOWN TRYING TO FIND
A COPY OF "OH MY PAPA" BY

ALL OVER TOWN TRYING TO FIND
A COPY OF "OH MY PAPA" BY
EDDIE FISHER.

A COPY OF "OH MY PAPA" BY
EDDIE FISHER.
ANY CHANCE YOU PEOPLE HAVE IT?

EDDIE FISHER.
ANY CHANCE YOU PEOPLE HAVE IT?
SURE, SURE WE GOT IT.

ANY CHANCE YOU PEOPLE HAVE IT?
SURE, SURE WE GOT IT.
HONEY, YOU KNOW WHERE

SURE, SURE WE GOT IT.
HONEY, YOU KNOW WHERE
"OH MY PAPA" IS, DON'T YOU?

HONEY, YOU KNOW WHERE
"OH MY PAPA" IS, DON'T YOU?
OH, I'LL GET IT.

"OH MY PAPA" IS, DON'T YOU?
OH, I'LL GET IT.
[LAUGHTER]

OH, I'LL GET IT.
[LAUGHTER]
BEEN HAVING A HARD TIME

[LAUGHTER]
BEEN HAVING A HARD TIME
FINDING THAT RECORD?

BEEN HAVING A HARD TIME
FINDING THAT RECORD?
YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

FINDING THAT RECORD?
YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT.
NOT ONE STORE HAS HAD IT

YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT.
NOT ONE STORE HAS HAD IT
IN STOCK FOR OVER 20 YEARS.

NOT ONE STORE HAS HAD IT
IN STOCK FOR OVER 20 YEARS.
DARN THING'S BEEN OUT

IN STOCK FOR OVER 20 YEARS.
DARN THING'S BEEN OUT
OF PRINT SINCE 1956.

DARN THING'S BEEN OUT
OF PRINT SINCE 1956.
HERE YOU GO.

OF PRINT SINCE 1956.
HERE YOU GO.
YOU REALLY DO HAVE IT.

HERE YOU GO.
YOU REALLY DO HAVE IT.
THAT'S AMAZING!

YOU REALLY DO HAVE IT.
THAT'S AMAZING!
HOW MUCH IS IT?

THAT'S AMAZING!
HOW MUCH IS IT?
UH, $4.00.

HOW MUCH IS IT?
UH, $4.00.
SOUNDS GOOD TO ME.

UH, $4.00.
SOUNDS GOOD TO ME.
WAIT TILL MY WIFE

SOUNDS GOOD TO ME.
WAIT TILL MY WIFE
HEARS ABOUT THIS.

WAIT TILL MY WIFE
HEARS ABOUT THIS.
HERE YOU GO.

HEARS ABOUT THIS.
HERE YOU GO.
THANK YOU.

HERE YOU GO.
THANK YOU.
OH DAVE, DID I TELL YOU

THANK YOU.
OH DAVE, DID I TELL YOU
THAT MRS. PARKER CALLED?

OH DAVE, DID I TELL YOU
THAT MRS. PARKER CALLED?
SPEAK OF THE DEVIL.

THAT MRS. PARKER CALLED?
SPEAK OF THE DEVIL.
HI, MRS. PARKER.

SPEAK OF THE DEVIL.
HI, MRS. PARKER.
WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT YOU.

HI, MRS. PARKER.
WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT YOU.
OH, IS IT READY?

WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT YOU.
OH, IS IT READY?
AS READY AS IT'LL EVER BE.

OH, IS IT READY?
AS READY AS IT'LL EVER BE.
HERE YOU GO.

AS READY AS IT'LL EVER BE.
HERE YOU GO.
A PINK BALLOON FILLED

HERE YOU GO.
A PINK BALLOON FILLED
WITH PRETZELS.

A PINK BALLOON FILLED
WITH PRETZELS.
IT WAS PRETZELS?

WITH PRETZELS.
IT WAS PRETZELS?
OH YES, YES.

IT WAS PRETZELS?
OH YES, YES.
IT'S WONDERFUL.

OH YES, YES.
IT'S WONDERFUL.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WOULD

IT'S WONDERFUL.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WOULD
DO WITHOUT YOU TWO.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WOULD
DO WITHOUT YOU TWO.
OH, YOU'RE SWEET,

DO WITHOUT YOU TWO.
OH, YOU'RE SWEET,
MRS. PARKER.

OH, YOU'RE SWEET,
MRS. PARKER.
YOU WANT ME TO PUT THIS

MRS. PARKER.
YOU WANT ME TO PUT THIS
ON YOUR ACCOUNT, OF COURSE.

YOU WANT ME TO PUT THIS
ON YOUR ACCOUNT, OF COURSE.
MM-HMM.

ON YOUR ACCOUNT, OF COURSE.
MM-HMM.
WELL, I'LL SEE YOU AGAIN SOON

MM-HMM.
WELL, I'LL SEE YOU AGAIN SOON
WHICH WILL BE NEXT TIME RAY

WELL, I'LL SEE YOU AGAIN SOON
WHICH WILL BE NEXT TIME RAY
LETS ME HAVE THE CAR.

WHICH WILL BE NEXT TIME RAY
LETS ME HAVE THE CAR.
[CHUCKLES]

LETS ME HAVE THE CAR.
[CHUCKLES]
SHE'S SOMETHING, ISN'T SHE?

[CHUCKLES]
SHE'S SOMETHING, ISN'T SHE?
SHE'S A REAL LULU.

SHE'S SOMETHING, ISN'T SHE?
SHE'S A REAL LULU.
NOW IT'S PINK BALLOONS.

SHE'S A REAL LULU.
NOW IT'S PINK BALLOONS.
HONEY, DO WE HAVE TO

NOW IT'S PINK BALLOONS.
HONEY, DO WE HAVE TO
HAVE THAT ROAST TONIGHT?

HONEY, DO WE HAVE TO
HAVE THAT ROAST TONIGHT?
[CLEARS THROAT]

HAVE THAT ROAST TONIGHT?
[CLEARS THROAT]
UH, YES SIR?

[CLEARS THROAT]
UH, YES SIR?
YEAH, I WAS CURIOUS...

UH, YES SIR?
YEAH, I WAS CURIOUS...
DO YOU HAVE A MACHINE TO

YEAH, I WAS CURIOUS...
DO YOU HAVE A MACHINE TO
WASH DIRTY POKER CHIPS?

DO YOU HAVE A MACHINE TO
WASH DIRTY POKER CHIPS?
YES WE DO BUT IT SHUTS DOWN

WASH DIRTY POKER CHIPS?
YES WE DO BUT IT SHUTS DOWN
AT 5:00 AND IT'S ALMOST

YES WE DO BUT IT SHUTS DOWN
AT 5:00 AND IT'S ALMOST
6:00 NOW.

AT 5:00 AND IT'S ALMOST
6:00 NOW.
UNLESS YOU'RE INTERESTED

6:00 NOW.
UNLESS YOU'RE INTERESTED
IN BUYING THE MACHINE?

UNLESS YOU'RE INTERESTED
IN BUYING THE MACHINE?
NO, NO, NO, NO,

IN BUYING THE MACHINE?
NO, NO, NO, NO,
I CAN COME BACK TOMORROW.

NO, NO, NO, NO,
I CAN COME BACK TOMORROW.
WHAT I WAS REALLY INTERESTED IN

I CAN COME BACK TOMORROW.
WHAT I WAS REALLY INTERESTED IN
WAS, DO YOU HAVE A LARGE

WHAT I WAS REALLY INTERESTED IN
WAS, DO YOU HAVE A LARGE
MEDIEVAL CROSSBOW MADE OUT OF

WAS, DO YOU HAVE A LARGE
MEDIEVAL CROSSBOW MADE OUT OF
WHITE CHOCOLATE?

MEDIEVAL CROSSBOW MADE OUT OF
WHITE CHOCOLATE?
I BELIEVE SO.

WHITE CHOCOLATE?
I BELIEVE SO.
[LAUGHTER]

I BELIEVE SO.
[LAUGHTER]
BETTY, GET ME THAT CHOCOLATE

[LAUGHTER]
BETTY, GET ME THAT CHOCOLATE
CROSSBOW, THE WHITE CHOCOLATE.

BETTY, GET ME THAT CHOCOLATE
CROSSBOW, THE WHITE CHOCOLATE.
OH, RIGHT.

CROSSBOW, THE WHITE CHOCOLATE.
OH, RIGHT.
IT'S WRAPPED IN FOIL.

OH, RIGHT.
IT'S WRAPPED IN FOIL.
I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND.

IT'S WRAPPED IN FOIL.
I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND.
NO, ARE YOU KIDDING?

I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND.
NO, ARE YOU KIDDING?
WHAT DO I OWE YOU FOR THIS?

NO, ARE YOU KIDDING?
WHAT DO I OWE YOU FOR THIS?
THAT'LL BE $19.57.

WHAT DO I OWE YOU FOR THIS?
THAT'LL BE $19.57.
YEAH, YEAH, OKAY.

HERE YOU GO.
GOOD EATIN' TO YA.
GREAT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

GOOD EATIN' TO YA.
GREAT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
DAVE, THERE'S ONLY TWO OF

GREAT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
DAVE, THERE'S ONLY TWO OF
THE WHITE CHOCOLATE ONES LEFT.

DAVE, THERE'S ONLY TWO OF
THE WHITE CHOCOLATE ONES LEFT.
OH, BOY.

THE WHITE CHOCOLATE ONES LEFT.
OH, BOY.
OKAY, I BETTER ORDER SOME MORE.

OH, BOY.
OKAY, I BETTER ORDER SOME MORE.
HOW WE DOING ON BITTERSWEET?

OKAY, I BETTER ORDER SOME MORE.
HOW WE DOING ON BITTERSWEET?
OH, THAT'S OKAY.

HOW WE DOING ON BITTERSWEET?
OH, THAT'S OKAY.
WE'RE ALL RIGHT ON

OH, THAT'S OKAY.
WE'RE ALL RIGHT ON
THE BITTERSWEET.

Dave: YES, SIR?
YEAH, UH, LET'S SEE HERE...
HERE IT IS.

YEAH, UH, LET'S SEE HERE...
HERE IT IS.
I'D LIKE ONE DEAD TURTLE

HERE IT IS.
I'D LIKE ONE DEAD TURTLE
FROZEN IN A BLOCK OF ICE, AND...

I'D LIKE ONE DEAD TURTLE
FROZEN IN A BLOCK OF ICE, AND...
HONEY, YOU WANNA BRING UP

FROZEN IN A BLOCK OF ICE, AND...
HONEY, YOU WANNA BRING UP
THE FROZEN TURTLE?

HONEY, YOU WANNA BRING UP
THE FROZEN TURTLE?
[LAUGHTER]

THE FROZEN TURTLE?
[LAUGHTER]
I WANT HALF A TELEVISION,

[LAUGHTER]
I WANT HALF A TELEVISION,
ISAAC STERN'S NEPHEW,

I WANT HALF A TELEVISION,
ISAAC STERN'S NEPHEW,
A SQUARE BASKETBALL,

ISAAC STERN'S NEPHEW,
A SQUARE BASKETBALL,
A NUMBER FOUR PENCIL,

A SQUARE BASKETBALL,
A NUMBER FOUR PENCIL,
A DOZEN DEWEY BUTTONS...

A NUMBER FOUR PENCIL,
A DOZEN DEWEY BUTTONS...
HO, HO, YOU GOTTA GO

A DOZEN DEWEY BUTTONS...
HO, HO, YOU GOTTA GO
ONE ITEM AT A TIME HERE.

HO, HO, YOU GOTTA GO
ONE ITEM AT A TIME HERE.
THAT WAS HALF A T.V.?

ONE ITEM AT A TIME HERE.
THAT WAS HALF A T.V.?
YEAH, YEAH,

THAT WAS HALF A T.V.?
YEAH, YEAH,
HALF A TELEVISION.

YEAH, YEAH,
HALF A TELEVISION.
OKAY, THERE WE GO.

HALF A TELEVISION.
OKAY, THERE WE GO.
[LAUGHTER]

OKAY, THERE WE GO.
[LAUGHTER]
OKAY AND THEN ISAAC

[LAUGHTER]
OKAY AND THEN ISAAC
STERN'S NEPHEW.

OKAY AND THEN ISAAC
STERN'S NEPHEW.
ISAAC STERN'S NEPHEW, YEP.

STERN'S NEPHEW.
ISAAC STERN'S NEPHEW, YEP.
HONEY, WHILE YOU'RE DOWN

ISAAC STERN'S NEPHEW, YEP.
HONEY, WHILE YOU'RE DOWN
THERE, BRING UP THE STERN KID,

HONEY, WHILE YOU'RE DOWN
THERE, BRING UP THE STERN KID,
WILL YOU?

THERE, BRING UP THE STERN KID,
WILL YOU?
[LAUGHTER]

WILL YOU?
[LAUGHTER]
Betty: DAVE, WHICH ONE?

[LAUGHTER]
Betty: DAVE, WHICH ONE?
OH, I FORGOT TO ASK YOU,

Betty: DAVE, WHICH ONE?
OH, I FORGOT TO ASK YOU,
JEFF OR MARK?

OH, I FORGOT TO ASK YOU,
JEFF OR MARK?
OH, JEFF DEFINITELY, MAN.

JEFF OR MARK?
OH, JEFF DEFINITELY, MAN.
JEFF!

OH, JEFF DEFINITELY, MAN.
JEFF!
Betty: ALL RIGHT.

JEFF!
Betty: ALL RIGHT.
MARK'S A LAME-O.

Betty: ALL RIGHT.
MARK'S A LAME-O.
AND THAT WAS...

MARK'S A LAME-O.
AND THAT WAS...
A NUMBER FOUR...

AND THAT WAS...
A NUMBER FOUR...
NO, I CHANGE MY MIND.

A NUMBER FOUR...
NO, I CHANGE MY MIND.
GIVE ME, INSTEAD OF THE NUMBER

NO, I CHANGE MY MIND.
GIVE ME, INSTEAD OF THE NUMBER
FOUR PENCIL, GIVE ME TWO

GIVE ME, INSTEAD OF THE NUMBER
FOUR PENCIL, GIVE ME TWO
SQUARE BASKETBALLS.

FOUR PENCIL, GIVE ME TWO
SQUARE BASKETBALLS.
YOU'RE THE CUSTOMER.

SQUARE BASKETBALLS.
YOU'RE THE CUSTOMER.
RIGHT, YEAH.

YOU'RE THE CUSTOMER.
RIGHT, YEAH.
HERE YOU GO.

RIGHT, YEAH.
HERE YOU GO.
[LAUGHTER]

HERE YOU GO.
[LAUGHTER]
OKAY.

[LAUGHTER]
OKAY.
HERE YOU GO, SIR.

OKAY.
HERE YOU GO, SIR.
A LITTLE DUSTY BUT...

HERE YOU GO, SIR.
A LITTLE DUSTY BUT...
I HOPE YOU GOT $32.00 ON YOU

A LITTLE DUSTY BUT...
I HOPE YOU GOT $32.00 ON YOU
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT ALL OF THIS

I HOPE YOU GOT $32.00 ON YOU
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT ALL OF THIS
IS GONNA COME TO.

BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT ALL OF THIS
IS GONNA COME TO.
OH, I DO AND I AM

IS GONNA COME TO.
OH, I DO AND I AM
VERY GLAD TO PAY.

OH, I DO AND I AM
VERY GLAD TO PAY.
I FIGURED IT'D BE ABOUT

VERY GLAD TO PAY.
I FIGURED IT'D BE ABOUT
THAT MUCH.

I FIGURED IT'D BE ABOUT
THAT MUCH.
OH, EXACTLY, EXACTLY, EXACTLY.

THAT MUCH.
OH, EXACTLY, EXACTLY, EXACTLY.
COME AGAIN.

OH, EXACTLY, EXACTLY, EXACTLY.
COME AGAIN.
UH, HERE'S YOUR ICE.

COME AGAIN.
UH, HERE'S YOUR ICE.
I'LL HELP YOU WITH

UH, HERE'S YOUR ICE.
I'LL HELP YOU WITH
THE STERN KID.

I'LL HELP YOU WITH
THE STERN KID.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THE STERN KID.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
Dave: SO LONG FOLKS.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
Dave: SO LONG FOLKS.
[COUGHS]

Dave: SO LONG FOLKS.
[COUGHS]
YOU HAVE A CAR?

[COUGHS]
YOU HAVE A CAR?
YEAH, I GOT IT.

YOU HAVE A CAR?
YEAH, I GOT IT.
ALL RIGHT, BYE BYE.

YEAH, I GOT IT.
ALL RIGHT, BYE BYE.
GOD KNOWS WHAT HE'S GONNA DO

ALL RIGHT, BYE BYE.
GOD KNOWS WHAT HE'S GONNA DO
WITH THAT FROZEN TURTLE.

GOD KNOWS WHAT HE'S GONNA DO
WITH THAT FROZEN TURTLE.
YOU KNOW WHAT BETTY,

WITH THAT FROZEN TURTLE.
YOU KNOW WHAT BETTY,
WE SHOULD CLOSE UP.

YOU KNOW WHAT BETTY,
WE SHOULD CLOSE UP.
YEAH, WELL YOU BETTER CALL

WE SHOULD CLOSE UP.
YEAH, WELL YOU BETTER CALL
THE DISTRIBUTOR BEFORE WE LEAVE.

YEAH, WELL YOU BETTER CALL
THE DISTRIBUTOR BEFORE WE LEAVE.
WE'RE GETTING LOW

THE DISTRIBUTOR BEFORE WE LEAVE.
WE'RE GETTING LOW
ON A FEW THINGS.

WE'RE GETTING LOW
ON A FEW THINGS.
SIR, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.

ON A FEW THINGS.
SIR, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.
WE'RE CLOSED.

SIR, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.
WE'RE CLOSED.
I NEED ONE THING, PLEASE.

WE'RE CLOSED.
I NEED ONE THING, PLEASE.
I JUST NEED ONE THING, PLEASE.

I NEED ONE THING, PLEASE.
I JUST NEED ONE THING, PLEASE.
WELL, WHAT?

I JUST NEED ONE THING, PLEASE.
WELL, WHAT?
I NEED A PROPELLER BEANIE,

WELL, WHAT?
I NEED A PROPELLER BEANIE,
PLEASE, I NEED IT BAD.

I NEED A PROPELLER BEANIE,
PLEASE, I NEED IT BAD.
PROPELLER BEANIE.

PLEASE, I NEED IT BAD.
PROPELLER BEANIE.
ALL RIGHT, HERE YOU GO.

PROPELLER BEANIE.
ALL RIGHT, HERE YOU GO.
IT'S RIGHT THERE.

ALL RIGHT, HERE YOU GO.
IT'S RIGHT THERE.
OH, THIS IS TERRIFIC.

IT'S RIGHT THERE.
OH, THIS IS TERRIFIC.
OH, GREAT.

OH, THIS IS TERRIFIC.
OH, GREAT.
UH, $2.00.

OH, GREAT.
UH, $2.00.
THANKS A LOT, LADY.

UH, $2.00.
THANKS A LOT, LADY.
THANKS A LOT.

THANKS A LOT, LADY.
THANKS A LOT.
YOU'RE WELCOME, BYE.

THANKS A LOT.
YOU'RE WELCOME, BYE.
Dave: UH, TELEVISION HALVES,

YOU'RE WELCOME, BYE.
Dave: UH, TELEVISION HALVES,
NUMBER FOUR PENCILS,

Dave: UH, TELEVISION HALVES,
NUMBER FOUR PENCILS,
DEWEY BUTTONS AND I THINK

NUMBER FOUR PENCILS,
DEWEY BUTTONS AND I THINK
THAT'S ABOUT IT.

DEWEY BUTTONS AND I THINK
THAT'S ABOUT IT.
OH, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

THAT'S ABOUT IT.
OH, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
LET ME SPEAK TO ARNIE

OH, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
LET ME SPEAK TO ARNIE
FOR A MINUTE.

LET ME SPEAK TO ARNIE
FOR A MINUTE.
HOLD ON, ARNIE.

FOR A MINUTE.
HOLD ON, ARNIE.
ARNIE, WE'RE GONNA NEED SOME

HOLD ON, ARNIE.
ARNIE, WE'RE GONNA NEED SOME
MORE OF THOSE PROPELLER BEANIES.

ARNIE, WE'RE GONNA NEED SOME
MORE OF THOSE PROPELLER BEANIES.
YEAH, OKAY.

MORE OF THOSE PROPELLER BEANIES.
YEAH, OKAY.
RIGHT ARNIE, THAT'S IT.

YEAH, OKAY.
RIGHT ARNIE, THAT'S IT.
ARNIE, YOU STILL THERE?

RIGHT ARNIE, THAT'S IT.
ARNIE, YOU STILL THERE?
HOLD ON.

ARNIE, YOU STILL THERE?
HOLD ON.
JUST, JUST A HUNCH, ARNIE.

HOLD ON.
JUST, JUST A HUNCH, ARNIE.
LISTEN, YOU STILL HAVE THOSE

JUST, JUST A HUNCH, ARNIE.
LISTEN, YOU STILL HAVE THOSE
INFLATABLE CHET HUNTLEYS?

LISTEN, YOU STILL HAVE THOSE
INFLATABLE CHET HUNTLEYS?
YEAH, GIVE ME ABOUT

INFLATABLE CHET HUNTLEYS?
YEAH, GIVE ME ABOUT
HALF A DOZEN.

YEAH, GIVE ME ABOUT
HALF A DOZEN.
THANKS ARNIE!

HALF A DOZEN.
THANKS ARNIE!
OH DAVE, YOU CERTAINLY

THANKS ARNIE!
OH DAVE, YOU CERTAINLY
ARE HOT TONIGHT.

OH DAVE, YOU CERTAINLY
ARE HOT TONIGHT.
WELL, COME ON.

ARE HOT TONIGHT.
WELL, COME ON.
LET'S GO EAT, HONEY.

WELL, COME ON.
LET'S GO EAT, HONEY.
SORT OF QUIET TODAY,

LET'S GO EAT, HONEY.
SORT OF QUIET TODAY,
WASN'T IT?

SORT OF QUIET TODAY,
WASN'T IT?
IT'LL PICK UP TOMORROW.

WASN'T IT?
IT'LL PICK UP TOMORROW.
[APPLAUSE]

Man: EXTRA, EXTRA!
READ ALL ABOUT IT!
MR. BILL GETS TWENTY YEARS

READ ALL ABOUT IT!
MR. BILL GETS TWENTY YEARS
IN SING-SING!

MR. BILL GETS TWENTY YEARS
IN SING-SING!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IN SING-SING!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[HARMONICA MUSIC]

[SPOT HOWLS]

Guard: AWW, CUT THAT
RACKET OUT MR. BILL!
YOU GOT A VISITOR.

RACKET OUT MR. BILL!
YOU GOT A VISITOR.
COME ALONG.

YOU GOT A VISITOR.
COME ALONG.
Mr. Bill: A VISITOR?

COME ALONG.
Mr. Bill: A VISITOR?
REALLY?

Mr. Bill: A VISITOR?
REALLY?
NOW WHO COULD THAT BE?

REALLY?
NOW WHO COULD THAT BE?
MISS SALLY!

NOW WHO COULD THAT BE?
MISS SALLY!
Miss Sally: OH. HI MR. BILL.

MISS SALLY!
Miss Sally: OH. HI MR. BILL.
I BROUGHT SOMETHING TO

Miss Sally: OH. HI MR. BILL.
I BROUGHT SOMETHING TO
CHEER YOU UP.

I BROUGHT SOMETHING TO
CHEER YOU UP.
Mr. Bill: OH BOY!

CHEER YOU UP.
Mr. Bill: OH BOY!
YOU KNOW, I WASN'T SURE

Mr. Bill: OH BOY!
YOU KNOW, I WASN'T SURE
YOU WOULD COME.

YOU KNOW, I WASN'T SURE
YOU WOULD COME.
LISTEN MISS SALLY, I WANT YOU

YOU WOULD COME.
LISTEN MISS SALLY, I WANT YOU
TO KNOW THAT I DIDN'T ROB

LISTEN MISS SALLY, I WANT YOU
TO KNOW THAT I DIDN'T ROB
THAT BANK.

TO KNOW THAT I DIDN'T ROB
THAT BANK.
I WAS FRAMED.

THAT BANK.
I WAS FRAMED.
[SPOT BARKS]

I WAS FRAMED.
[SPOT BARKS]
Miss Sally: I KNOW YOU

[SPOT BARKS]
Miss Sally: I KNOW YOU
DIDN'T, MR. BILL.

Miss Sally: I KNOW YOU
DIDN'T, MR. BILL.
Mr. Bill: YOU DO?

DIDN'T, MR. BILL.
Mr. Bill: YOU DO?
OH BOY, THAT'S GREAT.

Mr. Bill: YOU DO?
OH BOY, THAT'S GREAT.
LISTEN, I'M GONNA WORK HARD

OH BOY, THAT'S GREAT.
LISTEN, I'M GONNA WORK HARD
AND BE A MODEL PRISONER

LISTEN, I'M GONNA WORK HARD
AND BE A MODEL PRISONER
AND I'LL BE OUTTA HERE

AND BE A MODEL PRISONER
AND I'LL BE OUTTA HERE
IN NO TIME.

AND I'LL BE OUTTA HERE
IN NO TIME.
I SWEAR MISS SALLY.

IN NO TIME.
I SWEAR MISS SALLY.
Miss Sally: OH, I KNOW.

I SWEAR MISS SALLY.
Miss Sally: OH, I KNOW.
THE WARDEN SEEMS VERY NICE

Miss Sally: OH, I KNOW.
THE WARDEN SEEMS VERY NICE
AND HE SAYS YOU'D BE OUT REAL

THE WARDEN SEEMS VERY NICE
AND HE SAYS YOU'D BE OUT REAL
SOON IF I'M NICE TO HIM.

AND HE SAYS YOU'D BE OUT REAL
SOON IF I'M NICE TO HIM.
Mr. Bill: OH NO!

SOON IF I'M NICE TO HIM.
Mr. Bill: OH NO!
YOU STAY AWAY FROM HIM.

Mr. Bill: OH NO!
YOU STAY AWAY FROM HIM.
HE'S UP TO NO GOOD.

YOU STAY AWAY FROM HIM.
HE'S UP TO NO GOOD.
Miss Sally: OH, DON'T WORRY,

HE'S UP TO NO GOOD.
Miss Sally: OH, DON'T WORRY,
MR. BILL.

Miss Sally: OH, DON'T WORRY,
MR. BILL.
I'LL WAIT FOR YOU NO MATTER

MR. BILL.
I'LL WAIT FOR YOU NO MATTER
HOW LONG IT TAKES.

I'LL WAIT FOR YOU NO MATTER
HOW LONG IT TAKES.
Mr. Bill: GEE, OH BOY, YAY!

HOW LONG IT TAKES.
Mr. Bill: GEE, OH BOY, YAY!
SHE TOUCHED ME, HEY!

Mr. Bill: GEE, OH BOY, YAY!
SHE TOUCHED ME, HEY!
AND SHE'S GOING TO WAIT

SHE TOUCHED ME, HEY!
AND SHE'S GOING TO WAIT
FOR ME TOO.

AND SHE'S GOING TO WAIT
FOR ME TOO.
Guard: YEAH, THAT'S WHAT

FOR ME TOO.
Guard: YEAH, THAT'S WHAT
THEY ALL SAY.

Guard: YEAH, THAT'S WHAT
THEY ALL SAY.
I WOULDN'T COUNT ON IT.

THEY ALL SAY.
I WOULDN'T COUNT ON IT.
Mr. Bill: OH NO.

I WOULDN'T COUNT ON IT.
Mr. Bill: OH NO.
I KNOW MISS SALLY.

Mr. Bill: OH NO.
I KNOW MISS SALLY.
SHE'LL WAIT.

I KNOW MISS SALLY.
SHE'LL WAIT.
GEE, I CAN'T WAIT

SHE'LL WAIT.
GEE, I CAN'T WAIT
TO GET STARTED.

GEE, I CAN'T WAIT
TO GET STARTED.
MAYBE I CAN GET A JOB

TO GET STARTED.
MAYBE I CAN GET A JOB
IN THE LAUNDRY ROOM.

MAYBE I CAN GET A JOB
IN THE LAUNDRY ROOM.
[SPOT BARKS]

IN THE LAUNDRY ROOM.
[SPOT BARKS]
Mr. Hands: PSST, MR. BILL?

[SPOT BARKS]
Mr. Hands: PSST, MR. BILL?
IT'S ME MR. HANDS, REMEMBER?

Mr. Hands: PSST, MR. BILL?
IT'S ME MR. HANDS, REMEMBER?
LISTEN, I HEARD THE BAD NEWS.

IT'S ME MR. HANDS, REMEMBER?
LISTEN, I HEARD THE BAD NEWS.
BUT DON'T WORRY, I'LL HAVE YOU

LISTEN, I HEARD THE BAD NEWS.
BUT DON'T WORRY, I'LL HAVE YOU
OUT OF HERE IN NO TIME.

BUT DON'T WORRY, I'LL HAVE YOU
OUT OF HERE IN NO TIME.
Mr. Bill: OH NO, I'M STAYING.

OUT OF HERE IN NO TIME.
Mr. Bill: OH NO, I'M STAYING.
LISTEN, IF I'M GOOD, I FIGURE

Mr. Bill: OH NO, I'M STAYING.
LISTEN, IF I'M GOOD, I FIGURE
I'LL BE UP FOR PAROLE IN

LISTEN, IF I'M GOOD, I FIGURE
I'LL BE UP FOR PAROLE IN
10 YEARS MAYBE.

I'LL BE UP FOR PAROLE IN
10 YEARS MAYBE.
Mr. Hands: NAH, MISS SALLY

10 YEARS MAYBE.
Mr. Hands: NAH, MISS SALLY
WON'T WAIT THAT LONG.

Mr. Hands: NAH, MISS SALLY
WON'T WAIT THAT LONG.
LOOK SHE'S ALREADY

WON'T WAIT THAT LONG.
LOOK SHE'S ALREADY
CHEATING ON YOU.

LOOK SHE'S ALREADY
CHEATING ON YOU.
Mr. Bill: OH NO, MISS SALLY!

CHEATING ON YOU.
Mr. Bill: OH NO, MISS SALLY!
HOW COULD SHE?

Mr. Bill: OH NO, MISS SALLY!
HOW COULD SHE?
Mr. Hands: SAY, MAYBE WE CAN

HOW COULD SHE?
Mr. Hands: SAY, MAYBE WE CAN
SHOOT THE LOCK OFF.

Mr. Hands: SAY, MAYBE WE CAN
SHOOT THE LOCK OFF.
Mr. Bill: BUT I DON'T

SHOOT THE LOCK OFF.
Mr. Bill: BUT I DON'T
HAVE A GUN.

Mr. Bill: BUT I DON'T
HAVE A GUN.
Mr. Hands: I BROUGHT ONE.

HAVE A GUN.
Mr. Hands: I BROUGHT ONE.
Mr. Hands: HERE, LOOK.

Mr. Hands: I BROUGHT ONE.
Mr. Hands: HERE, LOOK.
Mr. Bill: WAIT A SECOND

Mr. Hands: HERE, LOOK.
Mr. Bill: WAIT A SECOND
MR. HANDS, YOU BE CAREFUL

Mr. Bill: WAIT A SECOND
MR. HANDS, YOU BE CAREFUL
WITH THAT.

MR. HANDS, YOU BE CAREFUL
WITH THAT.
DON'T POINT IT AT ME.

WITH THAT.
DON'T POINT IT AT ME.
Mr. Hands: DON'T WORRY,

DON'T POINT IT AT ME.
Mr. Hands: DON'T WORRY,
HERE, COCK THE HAMMER FOR ME.

Mr. Hands: DON'T WORRY,
HERE, COCK THE HAMMER FOR ME.
Mr. Bill: OH, BUT IT

HERE, COCK THE HAMMER FOR ME.
Mr. Bill: OH, BUT IT
ALREADY IS.

Mr. Bill: OH, BUT IT
ALREADY IS.
Mr. Hands: OKAY!

ALREADY IS.
Mr. Hands: OKAY!
Mr. Bill: NO WAIT, OHH!

Mr. Hands: OKAY!
Mr. Bill: NO WAIT, OHH!
Mr. Hands: SEE I GOT

Mr. Bill: NO WAIT, OHH!
Mr. Hands: SEE I GOT
THIS ESCAPE MAP.

Mr. Hands: SEE I GOT
THIS ESCAPE MAP.
MAYBE WE CAN TUNNEL OUR WAY OUT.

THIS ESCAPE MAP.
MAYBE WE CAN TUNNEL OUR WAY OUT.
Mr. Bill: OH NO, YOU JUST

MAYBE WE CAN TUNNEL OUR WAY OUT.
Mr. Bill: OH NO, YOU JUST
WANNA BE MEAN.

Mr. Bill: OH NO, YOU JUST
WANNA BE MEAN.
NOW GET OUT OF HERE

WANNA BE MEAN.
NOW GET OUT OF HERE
AND LEAVE US ALONE.

NOW GET OUT OF HERE
AND LEAVE US ALONE.
OKAY?

AND LEAVE US ALONE.
OKAY?
Mr. Hands: GEE, I HOPE

OKAY?
Mr. Hands: GEE, I HOPE
I HIT THE RIGHT SPOT!

Mr. Hands: GEE, I HOPE
I HIT THE RIGHT SPOT!
Mr. Bill: HELP, I CAN'T SWIM!

I HIT THE RIGHT SPOT!
Mr. Bill: HELP, I CAN'T SWIM!
Mr. Hands: I BETTER GET YOU

Mr. Bill: HELP, I CAN'T SWIM!
Mr. Hands: I BETTER GET YOU
OUT OF HERE BEFORE YOU DROWN.

Mr. Hands: I BETTER GET YOU
OUT OF HERE BEFORE YOU DROWN.
Mr. Bill: NO WAIT, HURRY UP!

OUT OF HERE BEFORE YOU DROWN.
Mr. Bill: NO WAIT, HURRY UP!
HURRY UP, HURRY UP!

Mr. Bill: NO WAIT, HURRY UP!
HURRY UP, HURRY UP!
Mr. Hands: SAY, MAYBE I CAN

HURRY UP, HURRY UP!
Mr. Hands: SAY, MAYBE I CAN
YANK THE BARS OUT.

Mr. Hands: SAY, MAYBE I CAN
YANK THE BARS OUT.
Mr. Bill: NO WAIT!

YANK THE BARS OUT.
Mr. Bill: NO WAIT!
YOU DROPPED THAT ROPE ON ME!

Mr. Bill: NO WAIT!
YOU DROPPED THAT ROPE ON ME!
HEY, WHERE YOU GOING?

YOU DROPPED THAT ROPE ON ME!
HEY, WHERE YOU GOING?
OH, OHH!

HEY, WHERE YOU GOING?
OH, OHH!
Mr. Hands: OOH, YOU'RE STUCK!

OH, OHH!
Mr. Hands: OOH, YOU'RE STUCK!
GEE, MAYBE THIS WILL

Mr. Hands: OOH, YOU'RE STUCK!
GEE, MAYBE THIS WILL
LOOSEN THE BARS.

GEE, MAYBE THIS WILL
LOOSEN THE BARS.
Mr. Bill: NO WAIT,

LOOSEN THE BARS.
Mr. Bill: NO WAIT,
THAT'S DYNAMITE!

Mr. Bill: NO WAIT,
THAT'S DYNAMITE!
DON'T!

THAT'S DYNAMITE!
DON'T!
WAIT, DON'T PUSH IT.

DON'T!
WAIT, DON'T PUSH IT.
STOP!

WAIT, DON'T PUSH IT.
STOP!
OHH!

[PRISON SIRENS BLARING]
Mr. Hands: UH-OH!
THEY SEE YOU!

Mr. Hands: UH-OH!
THEY SEE YOU!
AND THE WARDEN SAYS

THEY SEE YOU!
AND THE WARDEN SAYS
THAT HE HAS YOU COVERED.

AND THE WARDEN SAYS
THAT HE HAS YOU COVERED.
AND YOU'D BETTER STAND UP

THAT HE HAS YOU COVERED.
AND YOU'D BETTER STAND UP
AND REACH FOR THE SKY.

AND YOU'D BETTER STAND UP
AND REACH FOR THE SKY.
Mr. Bill: BUT I CAN'T,

AND REACH FOR THE SKY.
Mr. Bill: BUT I CAN'T,
I'M STUCK.

Mr. Bill: BUT I CAN'T,
I'M STUCK.
SO DON'T SHOOT OKAY?

I'M STUCK.
SO DON'T SHOOT OKAY?
OH NO, OHH!

SO DON'T SHOOT OKAY?
OH NO, OHH!
THEY GOT ME!

OH NO, OHH!
THEY GOT ME!
OHH!

THEY GOT ME!
OHH!
Mr. Hands: BYE BYE!

OHH!
Mr. Hands: BYE BYE!
[APPLAUSE]

[♪...]

NADINE, I KNOW WE'VE ONLY
KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR A COUPLE OF
WEEKS BUT I FEEL LIKE WE'VE

KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR A COUPLE OF
WEEKS BUT I FEEL LIKE WE'VE
KNOWN EACH OTHER FOREVER.

WEEKS BUT I FEEL LIKE WE'VE
KNOWN EACH OTHER FOREVER.
I KNOW, STAN.

KNOWN EACH OTHER FOREVER.
I KNOW, STAN.
IT SEEMS MORE LIKE 10 YEARS

I KNOW, STAN.
IT SEEMS MORE LIKE 10 YEARS
INSTEAD OF JUST 10 DAYS.

IT SEEMS MORE LIKE 10 YEARS
INSTEAD OF JUST 10 DAYS.
NADINE, I KNOW THIS MAY

INSTEAD OF JUST 10 DAYS.
NADINE, I KNOW THIS MAY
SOUND CRAZY BUT...

NADINE, I KNOW THIS MAY
SOUND CRAZY BUT...
WELL, I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT

SOUND CRAZY BUT...
WELL, I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT
IT FOR QUITE A FEW DAYS NOW AND

WELL, I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT
IT FOR QUITE A FEW DAYS NOW AND
IF I WERE TO ASK YOU TO

IT FOR QUITE A FEW DAYS NOW AND
IF I WERE TO ASK YOU TO
MARRY ME, YOU THINK YOU

IF I WERE TO ASK YOU TO
MARRY ME, YOU THINK YOU
MIGHT SAY YES?

MARRY ME, YOU THINK YOU
MIGHT SAY YES?
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

MIGHT SAY YES?
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
DOES THAT MEAN YES?

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
DOES THAT MEAN YES?
WELL, DON'T YOU THINK

DOES THAT MEAN YES?
WELL, DON'T YOU THINK
WE'RE RUSHING IT A LITTLE?

WELL, DON'T YOU THINK
WE'RE RUSHING IT A LITTLE?
I MEAN, PEOPLE ARE GONNA

WE'RE RUSHING IT A LITTLE?
I MEAN, PEOPLE ARE GONNA
THINK WE'RE CRAZY.

I MEAN, PEOPLE ARE GONNA
THINK WE'RE CRAZY.
WHO CARES WHAT PEOPLE THINK?

THINK WE'RE CRAZY.
WHO CARES WHAT PEOPLE THINK?
I MEAN, I KNOW THESE LAST

WHO CARES WHAT PEOPLE THINK?
I MEAN, I KNOW THESE LAST
10 DAYS HAVE BEEN THE

I MEAN, I KNOW THESE LAST
10 DAYS HAVE BEEN THE
HAPPIEST DAYS OF MY LIFE.

10 DAYS HAVE BEEN THE
HAPPIEST DAYS OF MY LIFE.
YOU KNOW, I-I...

HAPPIEST DAYS OF MY LIFE.
YOU KNOW, I-I...
THE SALAD FOR THE LADY.

YOU KNOW, I-I...
THE SALAD FOR THE LADY.
LAMB CHOPS FOR THE GENTLEMAN.

THE SALAD FOR THE LADY.
LAMB CHOPS FOR THE GENTLEMAN.
HERE'S YOUR ASPARAGUS.

LAMB CHOPS FOR THE GENTLEMAN.
HERE'S YOUR ASPARAGUS.
YOUR BAKED POTATO, EXCUSE ME.

HERE'S YOUR ASPARAGUS.
YOUR BAKED POTATO, EXCUSE ME.
WOULD YOU LIKE SOME SOUR...

YOUR BAKED POTATO, EXCUSE ME.
WOULD YOU LIKE SOME SOUR...
NO, NO, FINE, FINE.

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME SOUR...
NO, NO, FINE, FINE.
THANK YOU.

NO, NO, FINE, FINE.
THANK YOU.
ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T

THANK YOU.
ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T
WANT ANYTHING MORE, I MEAN...

ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T
WANT ANYTHING MORE, I MEAN...
YOU MUST GET VERY TIRED

WANT ANYTHING MORE, I MEAN...
YOU MUST GET VERY TIRED
OF EATING SALADS.

YOU MUST GET VERY TIRED
OF EATING SALADS.
OH, NO, NO, IT'S PLENTY.

OF EATING SALADS.
OH, NO, NO, IT'S PLENTY.
WITH THE SALAD DRESSING

OH, NO, NO, IT'S PLENTY.
WITH THE SALAD DRESSING
IT MAKES IT VERY FILLING.

WITH THE SALAD DRESSING
IT MAKES IT VERY FILLING.
WHAT ABOUT SATURDAY?

IT MAKES IT VERY FILLING.
WHAT ABOUT SATURDAY?
WHAT ABOUT SATURDAY?

WHAT ABOUT SATURDAY?
WHAT ABOUT SATURDAY?
GETTING MARRIED,

WHAT ABOUT SATURDAY?
GETTING MARRIED,
HOW ABOUT NEXT SATURDAY?

GETTING MARRIED,
HOW ABOUT NEXT SATURDAY?
I THOUGHT YOU'D AT LEAST

HOW ABOUT NEXT SATURDAY?
I THOUGHT YOU'D AT LEAST
GIVE ME A COUPLE OF WEEKS

I THOUGHT YOU'D AT LEAST
GIVE ME A COUPLE OF WEEKS
WARNING.

GIVE ME A COUPLE OF WEEKS
WARNING.
HEY, I MEAN, IF WE'RE GONNA

WARNING.
HEY, I MEAN, IF WE'RE GONNA
DO IT, LET'S DO IT.

HEY, I MEAN, IF WE'RE GONNA
DO IT, LET'S DO IT.
I MEAN, WHY WAIT?

DO IT, LET'S DO IT.
I MEAN, WHY WAIT?
IS THERE SOMETHING

I MEAN, WHY WAIT?
IS THERE SOMETHING
THE MATTER, HONEY?

IS THERE SOMETHING
THE MATTER, HONEY?
WELL, THERE'S SOMETHING

THE MATTER, HONEY?
WELL, THERE'S SOMETHING
I HAVE TO TELL YOU.

WELL, THERE'S SOMETHING
I HAVE TO TELL YOU.
AND I'M AFRAID AFTER I TELL YOU,

I HAVE TO TELL YOU.
AND I'M AFRAID AFTER I TELL YOU,
YOU WON'T WANNA MARRY ME.

AND I'M AFRAID AFTER I TELL YOU,
YOU WON'T WANNA MARRY ME.
HONEY, THERE IS NOTHING YOU

YOU WON'T WANNA MARRY ME.
HONEY, THERE IS NOTHING YOU
CAN TELL ME THAT WOULD NOT

HONEY, THERE IS NOTHING YOU
CAN TELL ME THAT WOULD NOT
WANT TO MAKE ME MARRY YOU.

CAN TELL ME THAT WOULD NOT
WANT TO MAKE ME MARRY YOU.
THIS IS DIFFERENT.

WANT TO MAKE ME MARRY YOU.
THIS IS DIFFERENT.
IT'S SOMETHING I THINK

THIS IS DIFFERENT.
IT'S SOMETHING I THINK
I SHOULD'VE TOLD YOU

IT'S SOMETHING I THINK
I SHOULD'VE TOLD YOU
A LONG TIME AGO.

I SHOULD'VE TOLD YOU
A LONG TIME AGO.
I USED TO BE A LOT

A LONG TIME AGO.
I USED TO BE A LOT
DIFFERENT THAN I AM NOW.

I USED TO BE A LOT
DIFFERENT THAN I AM NOW.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

DIFFERENT THAN I AM NOW.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
I'VE BEEN AROUND A LITTLE

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
I'VE BEEN AROUND A LITTLE
MYSELF, I MEAN, I KNOW I'M NOT

I'VE BEEN AROUND A LITTLE
MYSELF, I MEAN, I KNOW I'M NOT
GETTING CHRISTIE McNICHOL.

MYSELF, I MEAN, I KNOW I'M NOT
GETTING CHRISTIE McNICHOL.
NO, NO, IT'S NOT LIKE THAT.

GETTING CHRISTIE McNICHOL.
NO, NO, IT'S NOT LIKE THAT.
I-I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU.

I USED TO WEIGH 260 POUNDS.
THIS IS ME.

WELL?

LOOKS LIKE IT WAS TAKEN
ON A NICE DAY.
I THINK I'M GONNA

ON A NICE DAY.
I THINK I'M GONNA
GO TO THE LADIES ROOM.

I THINK I'M GONNA
GO TO THE LADIES ROOM.
SWEETHEART, SWEETHEART,

GO TO THE LADIES ROOM.
SWEETHEART, SWEETHEART,
PLEASE.

SWEETHEART, SWEETHEART,
PLEASE.
I MEAN, DO YOU THINK SOMETHING

PLEASE.
I MEAN, DO YOU THINK SOMETHING
LIKE THIS WOULD MAKE ME

I MEAN, DO YOU THINK SOMETHING
LIKE THIS WOULD MAKE ME
NOT WANT TO MARRY YOU?

LIKE THIS WOULD MAKE ME
NOT WANT TO MARRY YOU?
THAT THIS WOULD MAKE ME

NOT WANT TO MARRY YOU?
THAT THIS WOULD MAKE ME
SOMEHOW STOP LOVING YOU?

THAT THIS WOULD MAKE ME
SOMEHOW STOP LOVING YOU?
I... I JUST THOUGHT THAT

SOMEHOW STOP LOVING YOU?
I... I JUST THOUGHT THAT
ONCE YOU SAW THAT...

I... I JUST THOUGHT THAT
ONCE YOU SAW THAT...
NADINE, YOU SHOULDN'T

ONCE YOU SAW THAT...
NADINE, YOU SHOULDN'T
RUSH TO THOUGHTS LIKE THAT.

NADINE, YOU SHOULDN'T
RUSH TO THOUGHTS LIKE THAT.
I MEAN, MY MOTHER IS

RUSH TO THOUGHTS LIKE THAT.
I MEAN, MY MOTHER IS
EVEN A LITTLE FAT.

I MEAN, MY MOTHER IS
EVEN A LITTLE FAT.
I MEAN, NOTHING LIKE THIS BUT...

EVEN A LITTLE FAT.
I MEAN, NOTHING LIKE THIS BUT...
[LAUGHTER]

I MEAN, NOTHING LIKE THIS BUT...
[LAUGHTER]
A LITTLE.

[LAUGHTER]
A LITTLE.
I DIDN'T THINK IT WOULD

A LITTLE.
I DIDN'T THINK IT WOULD
MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE, YOU KNOW,

I DIDN'T THINK IT WOULD
MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE, YOU KNOW,
BUT I WASN'T SURE.

HOW, HOW MANY YEARS AGO
WAS THIS TAKEN?
[MUFFLED] OH, THAT WAS ONLY

WAS THIS TAKEN?
[MUFFLED] OH, THAT WAS ONLY
ABOUT FOUR MONTHS AGO.

[MUFFLED] OH, THAT WAS ONLY
ABOUT FOUR MONTHS AGO.
THAT WAS RIGHT BEFORE I HAD

ABOUT FOUR MONTHS AGO.
THAT WAS RIGHT BEFORE I HAD
MY JAW WIRED SHUT.

THAT WAS RIGHT BEFORE I HAD
MY JAW WIRED SHUT.
WOULD YOU GIVE ME

MY JAW WIRED SHUT.
WOULD YOU GIVE ME
A PIECE OF THAT?

WOULD YOU GIVE ME
A PIECE OF THAT?
JUST A TEENY TINY PIECE.

A PIECE OF THAT?
JUST A TEENY TINY PIECE.
NO, BETTER YET, HERE.

[LAUGHTER]
I DIDN'T HAVE ANY SOLID FOOD
FOR ABOUT THREE MONTHS

I DIDN'T HAVE ANY SOLID FOOD
FOR ABOUT THREE MONTHS
UNTIL I FINALLY SLIMMED DOWN.

FOR ABOUT THREE MONTHS
UNTIL I FINALLY SLIMMED DOWN.
IT WORKED A LOT BETTER THAN

UNTIL I FINALLY SLIMMED DOWN.
IT WORKED A LOT BETTER THAN
WHEN I HAD MY INTESTINES

IT WORKED A LOT BETTER THAN
WHEN I HAD MY INTESTINES
TIED OFF.

WHEN I HAD MY INTESTINES
TIED OFF.
[LAUGHTER]

TIED OFF.
[LAUGHTER]
THAT WORKED OKAY, BUT AS SOON

[LAUGHTER]
THAT WORKED OKAY, BUT AS SOON
AS I GOT UNTIED I GAINED

THAT WORKED OKAY, BUT AS SOON
AS I GOT UNTIED I GAINED
THE WEIGHT RIGHT BACK!

AS I GOT UNTIED I GAINED
THE WEIGHT RIGHT BACK!
IS EVERYTHING SATISFACTORY?

THE WEIGHT RIGHT BACK!
IS EVERYTHING SATISFACTORY?
YES, YES, FINE, FINE.

IS EVERYTHING SATISFACTORY?
YES, YES, FINE, FINE.
THANK YOU.

YES, YES, FINE, FINE.
THANK YOU.
CAN WE HAVE A DESSERT MENU?

THANK YOU.
CAN WE HAVE A DESSERT MENU?
LISTEN, UH, NADINE...

CAN WE HAVE A DESSERT MENU?
LISTEN, UH, NADINE...
ABOUT SATURDAY... YOU KNOW,

LISTEN, UH, NADINE...
ABOUT SATURDAY... YOU KNOW,
MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT ABOUT GIVING

ABOUT SATURDAY... YOU KNOW,
MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT ABOUT GIVING
OURSELVES A LITTLE MORE TIME.

MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT ABOUT GIVING
OURSELVES A LITTLE MORE TIME.
WE GOT THE REST OF OUR LIVES,

OURSELVES A LITTLE MORE TIME.
WE GOT THE REST OF OUR LIVES,
WHAT'S THE RUSH, RIGHT?

[APPLAUSE...]

GOODNIGHT!
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!
[♪..., APPLAUSE...]

[♪...]