Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 5, Episode 10 - Chevy Chase/Marianne Faithfull - full transcript

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Man: HONEY, YOU WANNA
TURN THAT DOWN PLEASE?
I'LL GET IT, JERRY.

TURN THAT DOWN PLEASE?
I'LL GET IT, JERRY.
HENRY!

I'LL GET IT, JERRY.
HENRY!
BETTY, BETTY,

HENRY!
BETTY, BETTY,
YOU LOOK RAVISHING.

BETTY, BETTY,
YOU LOOK RAVISHING.
THANK YOU.

YOU LOOK RAVISHING.
THANK YOU.
COME ON IN, HENRY.

THANK YOU.
COME ON IN, HENRY.
SO, JERRY TELLS ME YOU'RE

COME ON IN, HENRY.
SO, JERRY TELLS ME YOU'RE
TRYING TO CONVINCE HIM TO

SO, JERRY TELLS ME YOU'RE
TRYING TO CONVINCE HIM TO
RUN FOR PRESIDENT.

TRYING TO CONVINCE HIM TO
RUN FOR PRESIDENT.
WELL, HE MUST ACCEPT



RUN FOR PRESIDENT.
WELL, HE MUST ACCEPT
THE DRAFT, BETTY.

WELL, HE MUST ACCEPT
THE DRAFT, BETTY.
WE NEED IT.

THE DRAFT, BETTY.
WE NEED IT.
REAGAN IS SIMPLY TO OLD.

WE NEED IT.
REAGAN IS SIMPLY TO OLD.
BUSH IS A LIGHTWEIGHT.

REAGAN IS SIMPLY TO OLD.
BUSH IS A LIGHTWEIGHT.
JERRY IS... WELL, HE'S...

BUSH IS A LIGHTWEIGHT.
JERRY IS... WELL, HE'S...
HE'S NOT TOO OLD CERTAINLY.

JERRY IS... WELL, HE'S...
HE'S NOT TOO OLD CERTAINLY.
AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,

HE'S NOT TOO OLD CERTAINLY.
AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,
BETTY, I SERVED TWO PRESIDENTS.

AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,
BETTY, I SERVED TWO PRESIDENTS.
AND NIXON, AT TIMES,

BETTY, I SERVED TWO PRESIDENTS.
AND NIXON, AT TIMES,
HE COULD BE DIFFICULT

AND NIXON, AT TIMES,
HE COULD BE DIFFICULT
BUT JERRY, HE WAS ALWAYS

HE COULD BE DIFFICULT
BUT JERRY, HE WAS ALWAYS
SO, SO SIMPLE.

BUT JERRY, HE WAS ALWAYS
SO, SO SIMPLE.
BY THE WAY, HOW'S HIS FOREHEAD?

SO, SO SIMPLE.
BY THE WAY, HOW'S HIS FOREHEAD?
OH, MUCH BETTER, MUCH BETTER.



BY THE WAY, HOW'S HIS FOREHEAD?
OH, MUCH BETTER, MUCH BETTER.
SO, WHAT'S OUR, WHAT'S OUR

OH, MUCH BETTER, MUCH BETTER.
SO, WHAT'S OUR, WHAT'S OUR
NEXT PRESIDENT UP TO?

SO, WHAT'S OUR, WHAT'S OUR
NEXT PRESIDENT UP TO?
OH, HE'S UPSTAIRS

NEXT PRESIDENT UP TO?
OH, HE'S UPSTAIRS
CLEANING THE CELLAR.

OH, HE'S UPSTAIRS
CLEANING THE CELLAR.
[LAUGHTER]

CLEANING THE CELLAR.
[LAUGHTER]
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU

[LAUGHTER]
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU
TELL HIM I'M HERE.

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU
TELL HIM I'M HERE.
HONEY, HENRY'S HERE.

TELL HIM I'M HERE.
HONEY, HENRY'S HERE.
Jerry: HENRY'S HAIR?

HONEY, HENRY'S HERE.
Jerry: HENRY'S HAIR?
WHAT'S WRONG WITH HENRY'S HAIR?

Jerry: HENRY'S HAIR?
WHAT'S WRONG WITH HENRY'S HAIR?
NO, NO, HENRY'S HERE.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH HENRY'S HAIR?
NO, NO, HENRY'S HERE.
WHY DON'T I GO UP

NO, NO, HENRY'S HERE.
WHY DON'T I GO UP
AND GET HIM, OKAY?

WHY DON'T I GO UP
AND GET HIM, OKAY?
CAN I GET YOU A DRINK?

AND GET HIM, OKAY?
CAN I GET YOU A DRINK?
Jerry: SEND HIM DOWN.

CAN I GET YOU A DRINK?
Jerry: SEND HIM DOWN.
YES, YES, I'LL GO UP.

Jerry: SEND HIM DOWN.
YES, YES, I'LL GO UP.
[LAUGHTER]

YES, YES, I'LL GO UP.
[LAUGHTER]
I'LL HAVE WHATEVER,

[LAUGHTER]
I'LL HAVE WHATEVER,
WHATEVER JERRY'S HAVING, OKAY?

I'LL HAVE WHATEVER,
WHATEVER JERRY'S HAVING, OKAY?
TWO PERRIER AND SODA.

WHATEVER JERRY'S HAVING, OKAY?
TWO PERRIER AND SODA.
[LAUGHTER]

TWO PERRIER AND SODA.
[LAUGHTER]
HENRY.

[LAUGHTER]
HENRY.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HENRY.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
MR. PRESIDENT, MR. PRESIDENT!

GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE]

OH, YES, MR. PRESIDENT...
I THINK THAT WE SHOULD TALK
ABOUT THE POSSIBILITY

I THINK THAT WE SHOULD TALK
ABOUT THE POSSIBILITY
OF A DRAFT.

ABOUT THE POSSIBILITY
OF A DRAFT.
GETTING A LITTLE OLD,

OF A DRAFT.
GETTING A LITTLE OLD,
AREN'T I, HENRY?

GETTING A LITTLE OLD,
AREN'T I, HENRY?
MAYBE THE COAST GUARD BUT...

AREN'T I, HENRY?
MAYBE THE COAST GUARD BUT...
NO, MR. PRESIDENT.

MAYBE THE COAST GUARD BUT...
NO, MR. PRESIDENT.
I'M TALKING ABOUT THE

NO, MR. PRESIDENT.
I'M TALKING ABOUT THE
PRESIDENTIAL DRAFT.

I'M TALKING ABOUT THE
PRESIDENTIAL DRAFT.
I THINK I HAVE THE

PRESIDENTIAL DRAFT.
I THINK I HAVE THE
PERFECT SLOGAN:

I THINK I HAVE THE
PERFECT SLOGAN:
"WHAT AMERICA NEEDS,

PERFECT SLOGAN:
"WHAT AMERICA NEEDS,
AMERICA HAD."

"WHAT AMERICA NEEDS,
AMERICA HAD."
THAT'S NOT BAD.

AMERICA HAD."
THAT'S NOT BAD.
WHY DON'T I COME DOWN

THAT'S NOT BAD.
WHY DON'T I COME DOWN
AND WE COULD DISCUSS IT.

WHY DON'T I COME DOWN
AND WE COULD DISCUSS IT.
NO, NO, MR. PRESIDENT.

AND WE COULD DISCUSS IT.
NO, NO, MR. PRESIDENT.
MR. PRESIDENT, I'LL COME UP.

NO, NO, MR. PRESIDENT.
MR. PRESIDENT, I'LL COME UP.
NO, NO, NO, YOU'RE FAT,

MR. PRESIDENT, I'LL COME UP.
NO, NO, NO, YOU'RE FAT,
HENRY, DON'T BOTHER.

NO, NO, NO, YOU'RE FAT,
HENRY, DON'T BOTHER.
[LAUGHTER]

HENRY, DON'T BOTHER.
[LAUGHTER]
I INSIST, I'LL COME UP.

[LAUGHTER]
I INSIST, I'LL COME UP.
NO, PLEASE, PLEASE.

I INSIST, I'LL COME UP.
NO, PLEASE, PLEASE.
Henry: I'M COMING UP.

NO, PLEASE, PLEASE.
Henry: I'M COMING UP.
I'M COMING UP.

Henry: I'M COMING UP.
I'M COMING UP.
TWO PERRIER AND SODA.

I'M COMING UP.
TWO PERRIER AND SODA.
I'LL GET THEM.

TWO PERRIER AND SODA.
I'LL GET THEM.
I'LL BRING THEM UP, OKAY?

I'LL GET THEM.
I'LL BRING THEM UP, OKAY?
I'LL BRING THEM UP.

I'LL BRING THEM UP, OKAY?
I'LL BRING THEM UP.
THIS IS SILLY, HENRY,

I'LL BRING THEM UP.
THIS IS SILLY, HENRY,
I'LL JUST COME DOWN.

THIS IS SILLY, HENRY,
I'LL JUST COME DOWN.
WELL, OKAY, BUT BE CAREFUL,

I'LL JUST COME DOWN.
WELL, OKAY, BUT BE CAREFUL,
BE CAREFUL.

HERE YOU GO, DEAR.
I FORGOT MY PIPE.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

I FORGOT MY PIPE.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
BETTY, HE APPEARS TO BE

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
BETTY, HE APPEARS TO BE
THE SAME OLD JERRY, BETTY.

BETTY, HE APPEARS TO BE
THE SAME OLD JERRY, BETTY.
WELL, SOMETIMES I THINK

THE SAME OLD JERRY, BETTY.
WELL, SOMETIMES I THINK
HE'S NOT AS QUICK AS HE

WELL, SOMETIMES I THINK
HE'S NOT AS QUICK AS HE
USED TO BE, BUT THEN HE'LL JUST

HE'S NOT AS QUICK AS HE
USED TO BE, BUT THEN HE'LL JUST
TURN AROUND AND SURPRISE YOU.

USED TO BE, BUT THEN HE'LL JUST
TURN AROUND AND SURPRISE YOU.
Jerry: I'M COMING DOWN,

TURN AROUND AND SURPRISE YOU.
Jerry: I'M COMING DOWN,
HENRY.

Jerry: I'M COMING DOWN,
HENRY.
NO, NO.

HENRY.
NO, NO.
I WANT TO COME UP.

NO, NO.
I WANT TO COME UP.
I'LL COME UP, MR. PRESIDENT.

I WANT TO COME UP.
I'LL COME UP, MR. PRESIDENT.
Jerry: COME ON UP.

I'LL COME UP, MR. PRESIDENT.
Jerry: COME ON UP.
OKAY, I'M COMING UP.

Jerry: COME ON UP.
OKAY, I'M COMING UP.
[PHONE RINGS]

OKAY, I'M COMING UP.
[PHONE RINGS]
HENRY, THERE'S A CALL

[PHONE RINGS]
HENRY, THERE'S A CALL
FOR YOU.

HENRY, THERE'S A CALL
FOR YOU.
OKAY, JERRY THERE'S

FOR YOU.
OKAY, JERRY THERE'S
A CALL FOR ME.

OKAY, JERRY THERE'S
A CALL FOR ME.
Jerry: I'LL GET IT.

A CALL FOR ME.
Jerry: I'LL GET IT.
[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]
LIVE FROM NEW YORK,
IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!

LIVE FROM NEW YORK,
IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!
[♪...]

IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!
[♪...]
Announcer: IT'S SATURDAY

[♪...]
Announcer: IT'S SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE!

Announcer: IT'S SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE!
WITH CHEVY CHASE!

NIGHT LIVE!
WITH CHEVY CHASE!
STARRING JANE CURTIN,

WITH CHEVY CHASE!
STARRING JANE CURTIN,
GARRETT MORRIS,

STARRING JANE CURTIN,
GARRETT MORRIS,
BILL MURRAY,

GARRETT MORRIS,
BILL MURRAY,
LARAINE NEWMAN,

BILL MURRAY,
LARAINE NEWMAN,
GILDA RADNER,

LARAINE NEWMAN,
GILDA RADNER,
AND HARRY SHEARER!

GILDA RADNER,
AND HARRY SHEARER!
WITH MUSICAL GUESTS

AND HARRY SHEARER!
WITH MUSICAL GUESTS
MARIANNE FAITHFULL

WITH MUSICAL GUESTS
MARIANNE FAITHFULL
AND TOM SCOTT!

FEATURING PETER AYKROYD,
TOM DAVIS,
BRIAN DOYLE-MURRAY,

TOM DAVIS,
BRIAN DOYLE-MURRAY,
AL FRANKEN,

BRIAN DOYLE-MURRAY,
AL FRANKEN,
DON NOVELLO,

AL FRANKEN,
DON NOVELLO,
AND PAUL SHAFFER!

DON NOVELLO,
AND PAUL SHAFFER!
[♪...]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
CHEVY CHASE!
[APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
GOODNIGHT.
YOU KNOW, IT'S REALLY GREAT

GOODNIGHT.
YOU KNOW, IT'S REALLY GREAT
TO BE BACK HERE ON

YOU KNOW, IT'S REALLY GREAT
TO BE BACK HERE ON
SATURDAY NIGHT.

TO BE BACK HERE ON
SATURDAY NIGHT.
THIS IS WHERE IT ALL

SATURDAY NIGHT.
THIS IS WHERE IT ALL
BEGAN FOR ME.

THIS IS WHERE IT ALL
BEGAN FOR ME.
AND OVER THE YEARS SINCE I LEFT

BEGAN FOR ME.
AND OVER THE YEARS SINCE I LEFT
A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE ASKED ME

AND OVER THE YEARS SINCE I LEFT
A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE ASKED ME
WHETHER I HAD ANY REGRETS

A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE ASKED ME
WHETHER I HAD ANY REGRETS
ABOUT LEAVING.

WHETHER I HAD ANY REGRETS
ABOUT LEAVING.
AND... THERE ARE A COUPLE.

ABOUT LEAVING.
AND... THERE ARE A COUPLE.
I LEFT A BRIEFCASE HERE...

AND... THERE ARE A COUPLE.
I LEFT A BRIEFCASE HERE...
I SUPPOSE IT'S GONE BY NOW,

I LEFT A BRIEFCASE HERE...
I SUPPOSE IT'S GONE BY NOW,
I'M PRETTY SURE OF THAT.

I SUPPOSE IT'S GONE BY NOW,
I'M PRETTY SURE OF THAT.
OF COURSE I FEEL BAD THAT I LEFT

I'M PRETTY SURE OF THAT.
OF COURSE I FEEL BAD THAT I LEFT
THE SHOW TOO EARLY TO BE ABLE

OF COURSE I FEEL BAD THAT I LEFT
THE SHOW TOO EARLY TO BE ABLE
TO, WELL, LOOSEN UP A BIT

THE SHOW TOO EARLY TO BE ABLE
TO, WELL, LOOSEN UP A BIT
AND WORK WITH ONE OF THE FEW

TO, WELL, LOOSEN UP A BIT
AND WORK WITH ONE OF THE FEW
TALENTED MEN I KNOW.

AND WORK WITH ONE OF THE FEW
TALENTED MEN I KNOW.
YOU KNOW, THE LAST TIME I WAS

TALENTED MEN I KNOW.
YOU KNOW, THE LAST TIME I WAS
HERE, NO, NO, REALLY,

YOU KNOW, THE LAST TIME I WAS
HERE, NO, NO, REALLY,
LAST TIME I WAS HERE THERE WERE

HERE, NO, NO, REALLY,
LAST TIME I WAS HERE THERE WERE
SOME RUMORS ABOUT A COUPLE OF US

LAST TIME I WAS HERE THERE WERE
SOME RUMORS ABOUT A COUPLE OF US
NOT GETTING ALONG TOO WELL.

SOME RUMORS ABOUT A COUPLE OF US
NOT GETTING ALONG TOO WELL.
OF COURSE THAT KIND OF STUFF

NOT GETTING ALONG TOO WELL.
OF COURSE THAT KIND OF STUFF
MAKES HEADLINES.

OF COURSE THAT KIND OF STUFF
MAKES HEADLINES.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I'D LOVE

MAKES HEADLINES.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I'D LOVE
NOTHING BETTER THAN TO...

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I'D LOVE
NOTHING BETTER THAN TO...
WELL, BAT AROUND A COUPLE OF

NOTHING BETTER THAN TO...
WELL, BAT AROUND A COUPLE OF
SONGS, MAYBE, BACK AND FORTH

WELL, BAT AROUND A COUPLE OF
SONGS, MAYBE, BACK AND FORTH
TO THIS MAN AND HE'S QUITE

SONGS, MAYBE, BACK AND FORTH
TO THIS MAN AND HE'S QUITE
A FRIEND AND, WHAT DO YOU SAY,

TO THIS MAN AND HE'S QUITE
A FRIEND AND, WHAT DO YOU SAY,
YEAH, COME ON, LET'S DO IT.

A FRIEND AND, WHAT DO YOU SAY,
YEAH, COME ON, LET'S DO IT.
WE'RE GONNA BE KINDA LOOSE

YEAH, COME ON, LET'S DO IT.
WE'RE GONNA BE KINDA LOOSE
SO, UH, IS BILLY AROUND?

WE'RE GONNA BE KINDA LOOSE
SO, UH, IS BILLY AROUND?
BILLY?

SO, UH, IS BILLY AROUND?
BILLY?
BILLY MURRAY HERE?

BILLY?
BILLY MURRAY HERE?
BILLY?

BILLY MURRAY HERE?
BILLY?
BILLY, COME HERE.

BILLY?
BILLY, COME HERE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I GOTTA DO THIS OTHER BIT.
I'M ALL PREPARED TO DO
THE NEXT BIT.

I'M ALL PREPARED TO DO
THE NEXT BIT.
WE HAVEN'T REHEARSED ANYTHING

THE NEXT BIT.
WE HAVEN'T REHEARSED ANYTHING
OR ANYTHING.

WE HAVEN'T REHEARSED ANYTHING
OR ANYTHING.
SIT DOWN, SIT DOWN, SIT DOWN.

UH, WELL, I GUESS THE THING
ABOUT US IS WE BOTH LOVE MUSIC,
DON'T WE?

ABOUT US IS WE BOTH LOVE MUSIC,
DON'T WE?
THAT WE DO.

DON'T WE?
THAT WE DO.
WE BOTH, HEY, WHAT THE HELL?

THAT WE DO.
WE BOTH, HEY, WHAT THE HELL?
LET'S GIVE OURSELVES AND

WE BOTH, HEY, WHAT THE HELL?
LET'S GIVE OURSELVES AND
EVERYBODY A TREAT.

LET'S GIVE OURSELVES AND
EVERYBODY A TREAT.
LET'S DO THE SONGS,

EVERYBODY A TREAT.
LET'S DO THE SONGS,
THE MUSIC THAT WE LOVE.

LET'S DO THE SONGS,
THE MUSIC THAT WE LOVE.
I'M WITH IT.

THE MUSIC THAT WE LOVE.
I'M WITH IT.
SOMETHING LIKE...

I'M WITH IT.
SOMETHING LIKE...
♪ WE'VE BEEN ALIVE FOREVER ♪

SOMETHING LIKE...
♪ WE'VE BEEN ALIVE FOREVER ♪
♪ WE WROTE THE VERY FIRST SONG ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN ALIVE FOREVER ♪
♪ WE WROTE THE VERY FIRST SONG ♪
♪ WE PUT THE WORDS AND

♪ WE WROTE THE VERY FIRST SONG ♪
♪ WE PUT THE WORDS AND
THE MELODY TOGETHER ♪

♪ WE PUT THE WORDS AND
THE MELODY TOGETHER ♪
♪ WE ARE MUSIC ♪

THE MELODY TOGETHER ♪
♪ WE ARE MUSIC ♪
♪ AND WE WRITE THE SONGS ♪

♪ WE ARE MUSIC ♪
♪ AND WE WRITE THE SONGS ♪
WE HAVEN'T REHEARSED!

♪ AND WE WRITE THE SONGS ♪
WE HAVEN'T REHEARSED!
♪ WE WRITE THE SONGS THAT

WE HAVEN'T REHEARSED!
♪ WE WRITE THE SONGS THAT
MAKE THE WHOLE WORLD SING ♪

♪ WE WRITE THE SONGS THAT
MAKE THE WHOLE WORLD SING ♪
♪ WE WRITE THE SONGS OF LOVE

MAKE THE WHOLE WORLD SING ♪
♪ WE WRITE THE SONGS OF LOVE
AND SPECIAL THINGS ♪

♪ WE WRITE THE SONGS OF LOVE
AND SPECIAL THINGS ♪
♪ WE WRITE THE SONGS THAT

AND SPECIAL THINGS ♪
♪ WE WRITE THE SONGS THAT
MAKE THE YOUNG GIRLS CRY ♪

♪ WE WRITE THE SONGS THAT
MAKE THE YOUNG GIRLS CRY ♪
♪ WE WRITE THE SONGS ♪

MAKE THE YOUNG GIRLS CRY ♪
♪ WE WRITE THE SONGS ♪
♪ WE WRITE THE SONGS ♪

♪ WE WRITE THE SONGS ♪
♪ WE WRITE THE SONGS ♪
HEY, HOW 'BOUT SOMETHING

♪ WE WRITE THE SONGS ♪
HEY, HOW 'BOUT SOMETHING
FROM WAY BACK?

HEY, HOW 'BOUT SOMETHING
FROM WAY BACK?
♪ OH, WE ARE THEY

FROM WAY BACK?
♪ OH, WE ARE THEY
AND THEY ARE US ♪

♪ OH, WE ARE THEY
AND THEY ARE US ♪
♪ YOU ARE US AND WE

AND THEY ARE US ♪
♪ YOU ARE US AND WE
ARE ALL TOGETHER ♪

♪ YOU ARE US AND WE
ARE ALL TOGETHER ♪
♪ CRABALOCKER FISHWIFE ♪

ARE ALL TOGETHER ♪
♪ CRABALOCKER FISHWIFE ♪
♪ PORNOGRAPHIC PRIESTESS ♪

♪ CRABALOCKER FISHWIFE ♪
♪ PORNOGRAPHIC PRIESTESS ♪
♪ MAN, YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN US ♪

♪ PORNOGRAPHIC PRIESTESS ♪
♪ MAN, YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN US ♪
♪ KICKING EDGAR ALLEN POE ♪

♪ MAN, YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN US ♪
♪ KICKING EDGAR ALLEN POE ♪
♪ HE IS THE EGG MAN ♪

♪ KICKING EDGAR ALLEN POE ♪
♪ HE IS THE EGG MAN ♪
NO WAY, BUDDY.

♪ HE IS THE EGG MAN ♪
NO WAY, BUDDY.
♪ HE IS THE EGG MAN ♪

NO WAY, BUDDY.
♪ HE IS THE EGG MAN ♪
♪ WE ARE THE WALRUSES ♪

♪ HE IS THE EGG MAN ♪
♪ WE ARE THE WALRUSES ♪
WE'VE HAD OUR DISPUTES

♪ WE ARE THE WALRUSES ♪
WE'VE HAD OUR DISPUTES
OVER THE YEARS AND I COULD'VE

WE'VE HAD OUR DISPUTES
OVER THE YEARS AND I COULD'VE
SWORN HE WAS THE EGG MAN BUT

OVER THE YEARS AND I COULD'VE
SWORN HE WAS THE EGG MAN BUT
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

SWORN HE WAS THE EGG MAN BUT
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
AS LONG AS EVERYONE OF YOU

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
AS LONG AS EVERYONE OF YOU
OUT THERE, AND NOW HERE,

AS LONG AS EVERYONE OF YOU
OUT THERE, AND NOW HERE,
UNDERSTAND THAT...

OUT THERE, AND NOW HERE,
UNDERSTAND THAT...
♪ WE SHOT THE SHERIFF ♪

UNDERSTAND THAT...
♪ WE SHOT THE SHERIFF ♪
♪ BUT WE DID NOT SHOOT

♪ WE SHOT THE SHERIFF ♪
♪ BUT WE DID NOT SHOOT
NO DEPUTY ♪

♪ BUT WE DID NOT SHOOT
NO DEPUTY ♪
NO WE DID NOT.

NO DEPUTY ♪
NO WE DID NOT.
UH-UH.

NO WE DID NOT.
UH-UH.
UH-UH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

UH-UH.
UH-UH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
♪ WE SHOT THE SHERIFF ♪

UH-UH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
♪ WE SHOT THE SHERIFF ♪
♪ BUT WE DID NOT SHOOT

♪ WE SHOT THE SHERIFF ♪
♪ BUT WE DID NOT SHOOT
NO DEPUTY ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WHAT A MAN, WHAT A MAN.
I GOT A BIT TO REHEARSE.
GO AHEAD AND GET READY.

I GOT A BIT TO REHEARSE.
GO AHEAD AND GET READY.
GO AHEAD AND GET READY.

GO AHEAD AND GET READY.
GO AHEAD AND GET READY.
GO AHEAD.

GO AHEAD AND GET READY.
GO AHEAD.
GO AHEAD.

GO AHEAD.
GO AHEAD.
UH.

GO AHEAD.
UH.
TOTALLY UNREHEARSED.

UH.
TOTALLY UNREHEARSED.
TOTALLY UNREHEARSED.

TOTALLY UNREHEARSED.
TOTALLY UNREHEARSED.
ARE THERE ANY QUESTIONS?

TOTALLY UNREHEARSED.
ARE THERE ANY QUESTIONS?
NO?

ARE THERE ANY QUESTIONS?
NO?
OKAY.

NO?
OKAY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK THEN.

OKAY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK THEN.
[APPLAUSE]

HEY, HI,
I'M PRE-CHEWED CHARLIE.
SAY, IF YOU GOT DENTURES

I'M PRE-CHEWED CHARLIE.
SAY, IF YOU GOT DENTURES
OR YOU'VE JUST HAD YOUR WISDOM

SAY, IF YOU GOT DENTURES
OR YOU'VE JUST HAD YOUR WISDOM
TEETH PULLED OR YOUR JAW BROKEN

OR YOU'VE JUST HAD YOUR WISDOM
TEETH PULLED OR YOUR JAW BROKEN
OR IF YOU JUST PLAIN DON'T LIKE

TEETH PULLED OR YOUR JAW BROKEN
OR IF YOU JUST PLAIN DON'T LIKE
TO CHEW YOUR OWN FOOD,

OR IF YOU JUST PLAIN DON'T LIKE
TO CHEW YOUR OWN FOOD,
AND WHO DOES, WHY NOT

TO CHEW YOUR OWN FOOD,
AND WHO DOES, WHY NOT
COME DOWN TO PRE-CHEW

AND WHO DOES, WHY NOT
COME DOWN TO PRE-CHEW
CHARLIE'S AND CHECK OUT THE

COME DOWN TO PRE-CHEW
CHARLIE'S AND CHECK OUT THE
CONSOMMÉ YOGURT AND PUDDING BARS

CHARLIE'S AND CHECK OUT THE
CONSOMMÉ YOGURT AND PUDDING BARS
NOT TO MENTION MY FAMOUS

CONSOMMÉ YOGURT AND PUDDING BARS
NOT TO MENTION MY FAMOUS
PRE-CHEWED STEAKS.

NOT TO MENTION MY FAMOUS
PRE-CHEWED STEAKS.
HI FOLKS, YOU TWO ENJOYING

PRE-CHEWED STEAKS.
HI FOLKS, YOU TWO ENJOYING
YOUR MEAL?

HI FOLKS, YOU TWO ENJOYING
YOUR MEAL?
WOW, CHARLIE, THE TOMATO

YOUR MEAL?
WOW, CHARLIE, THE TOMATO
BISQUE AND THE APPLESAUCE

WOW, CHARLIE, THE TOMATO
BISQUE AND THE APPLESAUCE
ARE JUST GREAT.

BISQUE AND THE APPLESAUCE
ARE JUST GREAT.
I HAVEN'T EVEN GOT TO

ARE JUST GREAT.
I HAVEN'T EVEN GOT TO
THE WHIPPED POTATOES.

I HAVEN'T EVEN GOT TO
THE WHIPPED POTATOES.
HAVEN'T YOU TWO

THE WHIPPED POTATOES.
HAVEN'T YOU TWO
FORGOTTEN SOMETHING?

HAVEN'T YOU TWO
FORGOTTEN SOMETHING?
WHAT?

FORGOTTEN SOMETHING?
WHAT?
WHY, YOUR STEAKS,

WHAT?
WHY, YOUR STEAKS,
OF COURSE!

WHY, YOUR STEAKS,
OF COURSE!
HI, WHO HAS THE WELL DONE?

OF COURSE!
HI, WHO HAS THE WELL DONE?
I DO.

HI, WHO HAS THE WELL DONE?
I DO.
ALL RIGHTY, HERE WE GO.

I DO.
ALL RIGHTY, HERE WE GO.
OH, YES, MMM.

ALL RIGHTY, HERE WE GO.
OH, YES, MMM.
AND WHEN YOU COME TO

OH, YES, MMM.
AND WHEN YOU COME TO
PRE-CHEW CHARLIE YOU KNOW

AND WHEN YOU COME TO
PRE-CHEW CHARLIE YOU KNOW
THAT OUR STEAKS ARE THE FINEST

PRE-CHEW CHARLIE YOU KNOW
THAT OUR STEAKS ARE THE FINEST
CUTS OF U.S.D.A. INSPECTED BEEF,

THAT OUR STEAKS ARE THE FINEST
CUTS OF U.S.D.A. INSPECTED BEEF,
FLAME-BROILED AND CHEWED

CUTS OF U.S.D.A. INSPECTED BEEF,
FLAME-BROILED AND CHEWED
TO YOUR PERFECTION BY OUR

FLAME-BROILED AND CHEWED
TO YOUR PERFECTION BY OUR
PRE-CHEW CHARLIE STAFF.

TO YOUR PERFECTION BY OUR
PRE-CHEW CHARLIE STAFF.
HEY, AND WHILE YOU'RE HERE,

PRE-CHEW CHARLIE STAFF.
HEY, AND WHILE YOU'RE HERE,
WHY NOT TAKE HOME A CAN OF

HEY, AND WHILE YOU'RE HERE,
WHY NOT TAKE HOME A CAN OF
OUR WORLD FAMOUS PRE-CHEWED

WHY NOT TAKE HOME A CAN OF
OUR WORLD FAMOUS PRE-CHEWED
PEANUT BRITTLE!

OUR WORLD FAMOUS PRE-CHEWED
PEANUT BRITTLE!
SO COME ON DOWN TO PRE-CHEW

PEANUT BRITTLE!
SO COME ON DOWN TO PRE-CHEW
CHARLIE'S WHERE YOU'RE

SO COME ON DOWN TO PRE-CHEW
CHARLIE'S WHERE YOU'RE
GONNA GET SPOILED.

CHARLIE'S WHERE YOU'RE
GONNA GET SPOILED.
[AUDIENCE GROANS]

♪ YOU'RE GONNA GET SPOILED ♪
♪ WE'LL TREAT YOU RIGHT ♪
♪ YOU'RE GONNA GET SPOILED ♪

♪ WE'LL TREAT YOU RIGHT ♪
♪ YOU'RE GONNA GET SPOILED ♪
WOW!

♪ YOU'RE GONNA GET SPOILED ♪
WOW!
♪ AT PRE-CHEW CHARLIE'S

WOW!
♪ AT PRE-CHEW CHARLIE'S
TONIGHT ♪

Announcer: PRE-CHEW
CHARLIE'S... YOU'RE GONNA

CHARLIE'S... YOU'RE GONNA
GET SPOILED.

GET SPOILED.
[APPLAUSE]

♪ COME LISTEN TO A STORY
'BOUT A MAN NAMED ABDUL ♪
♪ A POOR BEDOUIN

'BOUT A MAN NAMED ABDUL ♪
♪ A POOR BEDOUIN
BARELY KEPT HIS FAMILY FULL ♪

♪ A POOR BEDOUIN
BARELY KEPT HIS FAMILY FULL ♪
♪ THEN ONE DAY

BARELY KEPT HIS FAMILY FULL ♪
♪ THEN ONE DAY
HE WAS SHOOTIN' AT SOME JEWS ♪

♪ THEN ONE DAY
HE WAS SHOOTIN' AT SOME JEWS ♪
♪ AND UP FROM THE GROUND

HE WAS SHOOTIN' AT SOME JEWS ♪
♪ AND UP FROM THE GROUND
COME THE BUBBLIN' OOZE ♪

♪ AND UP FROM THE GROUND
COME THE BUBBLIN' OOZE ♪
Man: OIL, THAT IS.

COME THE BUBBLIN' OOZE ♪
Man: OIL, THAT IS.
PERSIAN PERRIER.

Man: OIL, THAT IS.
PERSIAN PERRIER.
KUWAIT KOOL-AID.

PERSIAN PERRIER.
KUWAIT KOOL-AID.
SAUDI SODA.

KUWAIT KOOL-AID.
SAUDI SODA.
♪ WELL THE FIRST THING YOU KNOW

SAUDI SODA.
♪ WELL THE FIRST THING YOU KNOW
ABDUL'S A BILLIONAIRE ♪

♪ WELL THE FIRST THING YOU KNOW
ABDUL'S A BILLIONAIRE ♪
♪ THE KIN FOLK SAID

ABDUL'S A BILLIONAIRE ♪
♪ THE KIN FOLK SAID
"ABDUL, MOVE AWAY FROM THERE" ♪

♪ THE KIN FOLK SAID
"ABDUL, MOVE AWAY FROM THERE" ♪
♪ THEY SAID CALIFORNIA

"ABDUL, MOVE AWAY FROM THERE" ♪
♪ THEY SAID CALIFORNIA
IS THE PLACE WITHOUT A CARE ♪

♪ THEY SAID CALIFORNIA
IS THE PLACE WITHOUT A CARE ♪
♪ SO THEY LOADED UP THE ROLLS

IS THE PLACE WITHOUT A CARE ♪
♪ SO THEY LOADED UP THE ROLLS
AND THEY MOVED TO BEL AIR ♪

♪ SO THEY LOADED UP THE ROLLS
AND THEY MOVED TO BEL AIR ♪
Man: NEXT TO BEVERLY HILLS,

AND THEY MOVED TO BEL AIR ♪
Man: NEXT TO BEVERLY HILLS,
THAT IS.

Man: NEXT TO BEVERLY HILLS,
THAT IS.
SWIMMING POOLS.

THAT IS.
SWIMMING POOLS.
MOVIE STARS.

SWIMMING POOLS.
MOVIE STARS.
JEWS.

MOVIE STARS.
JEWS.
Announcer: THE BEL AIRABS!

JEWS.
Announcer: THE BEL AIRABS!
[APPLAUSE]

Announcer: THE BEL AIRABS!
[APPLAUSE]
[BANJO MUSIC]

SO, MR. ASSAD, ARE YOU
ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN THAT
YOU DON'T MIND THE F.B.I.

ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN THAT
YOU DON'T MIND THE F.B.I.
USING YOU AND YOUR FAMILY?

YOU DON'T MIND THE F.B.I.
USING YOU AND YOUR FAMILY?
IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO CALL

USING YOU AND YOUR FAMILY?
IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO CALL
THIS WHOLE THING OFF.

IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO CALL
THIS WHOLE THING OFF.
NOT AT ALL, MISS HATHAWAY.

THIS WHOLE THING OFF.
NOT AT ALL, MISS HATHAWAY.
WHAT UPSET ME ABOUT THE ABSCAM

NOT AT ALL, MISS HATHAWAY.
WHAT UPSET ME ABOUT THE ABSCAM
STING IS THE USE OF NON-ARABS

WHAT UPSET ME ABOUT THE ABSCAM
STING IS THE USE OF NON-ARABS
TO PLAY THE PART OF ARABS.

STING IS THE USE OF NON-ARABS
TO PLAY THE PART OF ARABS.
IT IS THE AMERICAN STEREOTYPE

TO PLAY THE PART OF ARABS.
IT IS THE AMERICAN STEREOTYPE
OF ARABS WHICH MAKES ME ANGRY.

IT IS THE AMERICAN STEREOTYPE
OF ARABS WHICH MAKES ME ANGRY.
WELL, I'M SURE THIS NEW STING

OF ARABS WHICH MAKES ME ANGRY.
WELL, I'M SURE THIS NEW STING
WILL SUCCEED WITH FLYING COLORS.

WELL, I'M SURE THIS NEW STING
WILL SUCCEED WITH FLYING COLORS.
I HOPE YOU'RE READY TO

WILL SUCCEED WITH FLYING COLORS.
I HOPE YOU'RE READY TO
BECOME A HERO.

I HOPE YOU'RE READY TO
BECOME A HERO.
I AM READY TO BECOME A HERO.

BECOME A HERO.
I AM READY TO BECOME A HERO.
DO YOU NOT THINK THAT I BE OF

I AM READY TO BECOME A HERO.
DO YOU NOT THINK THAT I BE OF
SOME RESEMBLANCE TO EFREM

DO YOU NOT THINK THAT I BE OF
SOME RESEMBLANCE TO EFREM
ZIMBALIST JR.?

SOME RESEMBLANCE TO EFREM
ZIMBALIST JR.?
OH, IT'S REMARKABLE, MUDHAT.

ZIMBALIST JR.?
OH, IT'S REMARKABLE, MUDHAT.
DO YOU THINK SO?

OH, IT'S REMARKABLE, MUDHAT.
DO YOU THINK SO?
PERHAPS AT LAST I FIND A JOB

DO YOU THINK SO?
PERHAPS AT LAST I FIND A JOB
HERE THAT SUITS ME.

PERHAPS AT LAST I FIND A JOB
HERE THAT SUITS ME.
MR. ASSAD, WE HAD TO

HERE THAT SUITS ME.
MR. ASSAD, WE HAD TO
TIE YOUR CAMEL UP ON

MR. ASSAD, WE HAD TO
TIE YOUR CAMEL UP ON
THE OTHER SIDE OF THE POOL.

TIE YOUR CAMEL UP ON
THE OTHER SIDE OF THE POOL.
HE GOT SPOOKED BY THE EQUIPMENT.

THE OTHER SIDE OF THE POOL.
HE GOT SPOOKED BY THE EQUIPMENT.
I THINK HE BIT ME.

HE GOT SPOOKED BY THE EQUIPMENT.
I THINK HE BIT ME.
HIKMAT BIT YOU?

I THINK HE BIT ME.
HIKMAT BIT YOU?
HE WILL BE SEVERELY BEATEN.

HIKMAT BIT YOU?
HE WILL BE SEVERELY BEATEN.
NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

HE WILL BE SEVERELY BEATEN.
NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
I TOOK THE LIBERTY OF

NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
I TOOK THE LIBERTY OF
PISTOL WHIPPING HIM MYSELF.

I TOOK THE LIBERTY OF
PISTOL WHIPPING HIM MYSELF.
GOOD, GOOD.

PISTOL WHIPPING HIM MYSELF.
GOOD, GOOD.
NOW, WE'RE CLEAR ON

GOOD, GOOD.
NOW, WE'RE CLEAR ON
HOW WE'RE GONNA DO THIS

NOW, WE'RE CLEAR ON
HOW WE'RE GONNA DO THIS
WITH THE CONGRESSMAN?

HOW WE'RE GONNA DO THIS
WITH THE CONGRESSMAN?
ARE WE GONNA ENTRAP HIM?

WITH THE CONGRESSMAN?
ARE WE GONNA ENTRAP HIM?
YES, WE TELL HIM FIRST

ARE WE GONNA ENTRAP HIM?
YES, WE TELL HIM FIRST
ABOUT OUR COUSIN, AND THEN

YES, WE TELL HIM FIRST
ABOUT OUR COUSIN, AND THEN
WE GIVE HIM THE BRIBE.

ABOUT OUR COUSIN, AND THEN
WE GIVE HIM THE BRIBE.
AND THEN WE ARE HEROES.

WE GIVE HIM THE BRIBE.
AND THEN WE ARE HEROES.
OH, ISN'T THIS EXCITING?

AND THEN WE ARE HEROES.
OH, ISN'T THIS EXCITING?
[GRANNY SHOUTING]

OH, ISN'T THIS EXCITING?
[GRANNY SHOUTING]
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[GRANNY SHOUTING]
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
PLEASE, PLEASE.

[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
PLEASE, PLEASE.
GRANNY FEELS THAT A PHOTOGRAPH

PLEASE, PLEASE.
GRANNY FEELS THAT A PHOTOGRAPH
STEALS AWAY PART OF YOUR SOUL.

GRANNY FEELS THAT A PHOTOGRAPH
STEALS AWAY PART OF YOUR SOUL.
OH, WHICH PART?

STEALS AWAY PART OF YOUR SOUL.
OH, WHICH PART?
THE BEST PART.

OH, WHICH PART?
THE BEST PART.
THE BEST PART?

THE BEST PART.
THE BEST PART?
BRING OUT THE CAMERA, PHIL.

THE BEST PART?
BRING OUT THE CAMERA, PHIL.
Phil: OH, RIGHT.

BRING OUT THE CAMERA, PHIL.
Phil: OH, RIGHT.
CONGRESSMAN CARMICHAEL

Phil: OH, RIGHT.
CONGRESSMAN CARMICHAEL
SHOULD BE HERE IN A MINUTE.

CONGRESSMAN CARMICHAEL
SHOULD BE HERE IN A MINUTE.
YOU REMEMBER THAT TIME

SHOULD BE HERE IN A MINUTE.
YOU REMEMBER THAT TIME
WE PUT ONE OF THESE...

YOU REMEMBER THAT TIME
WE PUT ONE OF THESE...
YEAH, MAN, I SURE DO.

COME HERE, COME HERE.
YOU BEHAVE YOURSELF.
IF YOU DO A GOOD JOB IN THE

YOU BEHAVE YOURSELF.
IF YOU DO A GOOD JOB IN THE
F.B.I. FILM, MAYBE YOU'LL BECOME

IF YOU DO A GOOD JOB IN THE
F.B.I. FILM, MAYBE YOU'LL BECOME
A BIG MOVIE STAR LIKE BENJI!

F.B.I. FILM, MAYBE YOU'LL BECOME
A BIG MOVIE STAR LIKE BENJI!
IF HE CAN DO IT, SO CAN YOU!

A BIG MOVIE STAR LIKE BENJI!
IF HE CAN DO IT, SO CAN YOU!
NOW, LISTEN MAFIDA, COME HERE

IF HE CAN DO IT, SO CAN YOU!
NOW, LISTEN MAFIDA, COME HERE
AND GIVE ME YOUR HAND

NOW, LISTEN MAFIDA, COME HERE
AND GIVE ME YOUR HAND
AND SHAKE.

AND GIVE ME YOUR HAND
AND SHAKE.
COME ON, SHAKE MAFIDA, SHAKE.

AND SHAKE.
COME ON, SHAKE MAFIDA, SHAKE.
EXCUSE ME.

COME ON, SHAKE MAFIDA, SHAKE.
EXCUSE ME.
THIS WON'T HURT A BIT, MA'AM.

EXCUSE ME.
THIS WON'T HURT A BIT, MA'AM.
A LITTLE MICROPHONE WE HAVE.

THIS WON'T HURT A BIT, MA'AM.
A LITTLE MICROPHONE WE HAVE.
OKAY, EVERYBODY TO

A LITTLE MICROPHONE WE HAVE.
OKAY, EVERYBODY TO
BATTLE STATIONS!

OKAY, EVERYBODY TO
BATTLE STATIONS!
THE CONGRESSMAN'S LIMO IS

BATTLE STATIONS!
THE CONGRESSMAN'S LIMO IS
COMING UP THE DRIVEWAY.

THE CONGRESSMAN'S LIMO IS
COMING UP THE DRIVEWAY.
OH, COME ON GRANNY, FATIMA.

COMING UP THE DRIVEWAY.
OH, COME ON GRANNY, FATIMA.
[GRANNY SHOUTS]

OH, COME ON GRANNY, FATIMA.
[GRANNY SHOUTS]
OKAY, NOW REMEMBER,

[GRANNY SHOUTS]
OKAY, NOW REMEMBER,
ABDUL, MUDHAT, JUST ACT NORMAL

OKAY, NOW REMEMBER,
ABDUL, MUDHAT, JUST ACT NORMAL
AND WHATEVER YOU DO,

ABDUL, MUDHAT, JUST ACT NORMAL
AND WHATEVER YOU DO,
DON'T LOOK DIRECTLY INTO

AND WHATEVER YOU DO,
DON'T LOOK DIRECTLY INTO
THE CAMERA, OKAY?

DON'T LOOK DIRECTLY INTO
THE CAMERA, OKAY?
BUT THEY LOOK AT THE CAMERA

THE CAMERA, OKAY?
BUT THEY LOOK AT THE CAMERA
ON THE F.B.I..

BUT THEY LOOK AT THE CAMERA
ON THE F.B.I..
I THINK IF YOU LOOK CLOSELY

ON THE F.B.I..
I THINK IF YOU LOOK CLOSELY
YOU'LL SEE THAT THEY NEVER LOOK

I THINK IF YOU LOOK CLOSELY
YOU'LL SEE THAT THEY NEVER LOOK
EXACTLY INTO THE CAMERA.

YOU'LL SEE THAT THEY NEVER LOOK
EXACTLY INTO THE CAMERA.
NO, EFREM ZIMBALIST JR.

EXACTLY INTO THE CAMERA.
NO, EFREM ZIMBALIST JR.
LOOKED AT THE CAMERA THE LAST

NO, EFREM ZIMBALIST JR.
LOOKED AT THE CAMERA THE LAST
TIME I WATCHED THE F.B.I..

LOOKED AT THE CAMERA THE LAST
TIME I WATCHED THE F.B.I..
I HAPPEN TO HAVE SEEN EVERY

TIME I WATCHED THE F.B.I..
I HAPPEN TO HAVE SEEN EVERY
EPISODE OF THE F.B.I. AND

I HAPPEN TO HAVE SEEN EVERY
EPISODE OF THE F.B.I. AND
EFREM ZIMBALIST JR. NEVER

EPISODE OF THE F.B.I. AND
EFREM ZIMBALIST JR. NEVER
ACTUALLY LOOKS INTO THE CAMERA.

EFREM ZIMBALIST JR. NEVER
ACTUALLY LOOKS INTO THE CAMERA.
NO, I SAW HIM LOOK

ACTUALLY LOOKS INTO THE CAMERA.
NO, I SAW HIM LOOK
INTO THE CAMERA.

NO, I SAW HIM LOOK
INTO THE CAMERA.
YOU MAY HAVE THOUGHT THAT YOU

INTO THE CAMERA.
YOU MAY HAVE THOUGHT THAT YOU
SAW HIM LOOKIN' AT THE CAMERA

YOU MAY HAVE THOUGHT THAT YOU
SAW HIM LOOKIN' AT THE CAMERA
BUT YOU DIDN'T.

SAW HIM LOOKIN' AT THE CAMERA
BUT YOU DIDN'T.
MAYBE, BUT I THINK HE DID.

BUT YOU DIDN'T.
MAYBE, BUT I THINK HE DID.
[DOORBELL RINGS]

MAYBE, BUT I THINK HE DID.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
HE'S HERE.

[DOORBELL RINGS]
HE'S HERE.
OKAY, CAMERA'S ON?

HE'S HERE.
OKAY, CAMERA'S ON?
CHECK.

OKAY, CAMERA'S ON?
CHECK.
OKAY, SOUND ON?

CHECK.
OKAY, SOUND ON?
CHECK.

OKAY, SOUND ON?
CHECK.
IT'S YOUR MOVE, BOYS.

CHECK.
IT'S YOUR MOVE, BOYS.
GOOD LUCK.

UH, MR., MR. ASSAD?
I AM ABDUL ASSAD.
THIS IS MY SON, MUDHAT.

I AM ABDUL ASSAD.
THIS IS MY SON, MUDHAT.
HE WANTS TO BE F.B.I. AGENT.

THIS IS MY SON, MUDHAT.
HE WANTS TO BE F.B.I. AGENT.
OH, YOU PEOPLE CERTAINLY

HE WANTS TO BE F.B.I. AGENT.
OH, YOU PEOPLE CERTAINLY
HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR.

OH, YOU PEOPLE CERTAINLY
HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR.
YOU KNOW, AFTER THIS ABSCAM

HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR.
YOU KNOW, AFTER THIS ABSCAM
SCANDAL LAST WEEK, I HAD YOU

YOU KNOW, AFTER THIS ABSCAM
SCANDAL LAST WEEK, I HAD YOU
PEOPLE THOROUGHLY CHECKED OUT.

SCANDAL LAST WEEK, I HAD YOU
PEOPLE THOROUGHLY CHECKED OUT.
YOU'RE REAL ARABS ALL RIGHT.

PEOPLE THOROUGHLY CHECKED OUT.
YOU'RE REAL ARABS ALL RIGHT.
YES, WE HAVE LOTS OF MONEY.

YOU'RE REAL ARABS ALL RIGHT.
YES, WE HAVE LOTS OF MONEY.
YES, I KNOW.

YES, WE HAVE LOTS OF MONEY.
YES, I KNOW.
PLEASE, COME IN, PLEASE.

YES, I KNOW.
PLEASE, COME IN, PLEASE.
MY COUSIN.

PLEASE, COME IN, PLEASE.
MY COUSIN.
HOW MUCH?

MY COUSIN.
HOW MUCH?
WHAT?

HOW MUCH?
WHAT?
MY COUSIN, HOW MUCH?

WHAT?
MY COUSIN, HOW MUCH?
AH, YES...

MY COUSIN, HOW MUCH?
AH, YES...
I UNDERSTAND FROM OUR MUTUAL

AH, YES...
I UNDERSTAND FROM OUR MUTUAL
FRIEND, DANNY THOMAS...

I UNDERSTAND FROM OUR MUTUAL
FRIEND, DANNY THOMAS...
THAT YOU HAVE A COUSIN

FRIEND, DANNY THOMAS...
THAT YOU HAVE A COUSIN
WHO NEEDS A LITTLE HELP

THAT YOU HAVE A COUSIN
WHO NEEDS A LITTLE HELP
GETTING INTO THE COUNTRY.

WHO NEEDS A LITTLE HELP
GETTING INTO THE COUNTRY.
HOW MUCH?

GETTING INTO THE COUNTRY.
HOW MUCH?
WELL, AS A, A CONGRESSMAN

HOW MUCH?
WELL, AS A, A CONGRESSMAN
OF THE UNITED STATES, I,

WELL, AS A, A CONGRESSMAN
OF THE UNITED STATES, I,
OF COURSE COULD NOT PERSONALLY

OF THE UNITED STATES, I,
OF COURSE COULD NOT PERSONALLY
HANDLE MONIES...

OF COURSE COULD NOT PERSONALLY
HANDLE MONIES...
$50,000.

HANDLE MONIES...
$50,000.
HOWEVER, I HAVE A CAMPAIGN

$50,000.
HOWEVER, I HAVE A CAMPAIGN
FINANCE COMMITTEE WHO...

HOWEVER, I HAVE A CAMPAIGN
FINANCE COMMITTEE WHO...
SO, MR. CONGRESSMAN...

I SEE THAT YOU HAVE A
FONDNESS FOR MONEY, HUH?
WELL, YOU CAN'T BE A

FONDNESS FOR MONEY, HUH?
WELL, YOU CAN'T BE A
POLITICIAN THESE DAYS AND NOT

WELL, YOU CAN'T BE A
POLITICIAN THESE DAYS AND NOT
BE ABLE TO HANDLE...

POLITICIAN THESE DAYS AND NOT
BE ABLE TO HANDLE...
SO, YOU WILL TAKE OUR

BE ABLE TO HANDLE...
SO, YOU WILL TAKE OUR
BRIBE THEN, HUH?

SO, YOU WILL TAKE OUR
BRIBE THEN, HUH?
WELL, I'M AFRAID I'M RUNNING

BRIBE THEN, HUH?
WELL, I'M AFRAID I'M RUNNING
OUT OF TIME AND I HAVE TO

WELL, I'M AFRAID I'M RUNNING
OUT OF TIME AND I HAVE TO
BE GETTING OUT OF HERE, SO,

OUT OF TIME AND I HAVE TO
BE GETTING OUT OF HERE, SO,
IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME.

BE GETTING OUT OF HERE, SO,
IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME.
$52,000.

IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME.
$52,000.
[LAUGHTER]

$52,000.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU DON'T SEEM TO

[LAUGHTER]
YOU DON'T SEEM TO
UNDERSTAND...

YOU DON'T SEEM TO
UNDERSTAND...
$60,000.

UNDERSTAND...
$60,000.
IT'D BE NICE BUT THE RIGHT

$60,000.
IT'D BE NICE BUT THE RIGHT
TIME, THE RIGHT PLACE,

IT'D BE NICE BUT THE RIGHT
TIME, THE RIGHT PLACE,
THE RIGHT PEOPLE.

TIME, THE RIGHT PLACE,
THE RIGHT PEOPLE.
$80,000.

THE RIGHT PEOPLE.
$80,000.
WHAT DOES YOUR COUSIN DO?

$80,000.
WHAT DOES YOUR COUSIN DO?
SHEPHERD.

WHAT DOES YOUR COUSIN DO?
SHEPHERD.
SHEPHERD?

SHEPHERD.
SHEPHERD?
$90,000.

SHEPHERD?
$90,000.
SHEPHERD?

$90,000.
SHEPHERD?
$100,000.

SHEPHERD?
$100,000.
OH, THANK YOU.

$100,000.
OH, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

OH, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WELL, A SHEPHERD...

THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WELL, A SHEPHERD...
ALL RIGHT, HOLD IT

WELL, A SHEPHERD...
ALL RIGHT, HOLD IT
RIGHT THERE, F.B.I.!

ALL RIGHT, HOLD IT
RIGHT THERE, F.B.I.!
[ALL CHEERING]

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT
TO REMAIN SILENT.
ANYTHING YOU SAY CAN BE

TO REMAIN SILENT.
ANYTHING YOU SAY CAN BE
USED AGAINST YOU.

ANYTHING YOU SAY CAN BE
USED AGAINST YOU.
OKAY, TAKE HIM DOWN

USED AGAINST YOU.
OKAY, TAKE HIM DOWN
TO THE STATION.

OKAY, TAKE HIM DOWN
TO THE STATION.
COME ON, McGARRETT, TAKE HIM

TO THE STATION.
COME ON, McGARRETT, TAKE HIM
DOWN TO THE STATION AND

COME ON, McGARRETT, TAKE HIM
DOWN TO THE STATION AND
LEAK IT TO THE PRESS.

DOWN TO THE STATION AND
LEAK IT TO THE PRESS.
Miss Hathaway: YOU ARE A

LEAK IT TO THE PRESS.
Miss Hathaway: YOU ARE A
DISGRACE TO THE CONGRESS

Miss Hathaway: YOU ARE A
DISGRACE TO THE CONGRESS
OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

DISGRACE TO THE CONGRESS
OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
I'M INNOCENT.

OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
I'M INNOCENT.
I THOUGHT THEY WERE CROOKS.

I'M INNOCENT.
I THOUGHT THEY WERE CROOKS.
I WAS GONNA TAKE THE MONEY

I THOUGHT THEY WERE CROOKS.
I WAS GONNA TAKE THE MONEY
TO THE D.A.!

I WAS GONNA TAKE THE MONEY
TO THE D.A.!
WELL, MR. ASSAD, MUDHAT,

TO THE D.A.!
WELL, MR. ASSAD, MUDHAT,
I CAN'T THANK YOU ENOUGH.

WELL, MR. ASSAD, MUDHAT,
I CAN'T THANK YOU ENOUGH.
YOU TRULY ARE HEROES.

I CAN'T THANK YOU ENOUGH.
YOU TRULY ARE HEROES.
IF THERE'S ANYTHING THE F.B.I.

YOU TRULY ARE HEROES.
IF THERE'S ANYTHING THE F.B.I.
CAN DO FOR YOU, YOU JUST

IF THERE'S ANYTHING THE F.B.I.
CAN DO FOR YOU, YOU JUST
GIVE ME A RING.

CAN DO FOR YOU, YOU JUST
GIVE ME A RING.
MY COUSIN.

GIVE ME A RING.
MY COUSIN.
[LAUGHTER]

MY COUSIN.
[LAUGHTER]
MY COUSIN.

[LAUGHTER]
MY COUSIN.
YOU MEAN, YOU REALLY

MY COUSIN.
YOU MEAN, YOU REALLY
HAVE A COUSIN?

YOU MEAN, YOU REALLY
HAVE A COUSIN?
HOW MUCH?

HAVE A COUSIN?
HOW MUCH?
OH, I'M SORRY BUT THE F.B.I.

HOW MUCH?
OH, I'M SORRY BUT THE F.B.I.
HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH

OH, I'M SORRY BUT THE F.B.I.
HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH
IMMIGRATION.

HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH
IMMIGRATION.
$50,000.

IMMIGRATION.
$50,000.
[LAUGHTER]

$50,000.
[LAUGHTER]
A SHEPHERD?

[LAUGHTER]
A SHEPHERD?
$100,000.

A SHEPHERD?
$100,000.
OKAY.

$100,000.
OKAY.
[APPLAUSE]

OKAY.
[APPLAUSE]
♪ NOW IT'S TIME TO SAY GOODBYE

[APPLAUSE]
♪ NOW IT'S TIME TO SAY GOODBYE
TO ABDUL AND ALL HIS KIN ♪

♪ NOW IT'S TIME TO SAY GOODBYE
TO ABDUL AND ALL HIS KIN ♪
♪ THEY'D LIKE TO STOP AND

TO ABDUL AND ALL HIS KIN ♪
♪ THEY'D LIKE TO STOP AND
THANK YOU FOLKS ♪

♪ THEY'D LIKE TO STOP AND
THANK YOU FOLKS ♪
♪ FOR KINDLY DROPPING IN ♪

THANK YOU FOLKS ♪
♪ FOR KINDLY DROPPING IN ♪
♪ YOU'RE ALL INVITED BACK

♪ FOR KINDLY DROPPING IN ♪
♪ YOU'RE ALL INVITED BACK
NEXT WEEK TO THIS LOCALITY ♪

♪ YOU'RE ALL INVITED BACK
NEXT WEEK TO THIS LOCALITY ♪
♪ TO HAVE A HEAPING HELPING

NEXT WEEK TO THIS LOCALITY ♪
♪ TO HAVE A HEAPING HELPING
OF THEIR HOSPITALITY ♪

♪ TO HAVE A HEAPING HELPING
OF THEIR HOSPITALITY ♪
Man: FREE WATER, THAT IS.

OF THEIR HOSPITALITY ♪
Man: FREE WATER, THAT IS.
ALL YOU CAN DRINK.

Man: FREE WATER, THAT IS.
ALL YOU CAN DRINK.
YA'LL COME BACK NOW, YA HEAR!

ALL YOU CAN DRINK.
YA'LL COME BACK NOW, YA HEAR!
[BANJO MUSIC, APPLAUSE]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
MARIANNE FAITHFULL.
[APPLAUSE]

MARIANNE FAITHFULL.
[APPLAUSE]
[♪...]

♪ COULD HAVE COME THROUGH
ANYTIME ♪
♪ COLD, LONELY

ANYTIME ♪
♪ COLD, LONELY
PURITAN ♪

♪ COLD, LONELY
PURITAN ♪
♪ WHAT ARE YOU

PURITAN ♪
♪ WHAT ARE YOU
FIGHTING FOR? ♪

♪ WHAT ARE YOU
FIGHTING FOR? ♪
♪ IT'S NOT MY SECURITY ♪

FIGHTING FOR? ♪
♪ IT'S NOT MY SECURITY ♪
♪ IT'S JUST AN OLD WAR ♪

♪ IT'S NOT MY SECURITY ♪
♪ IT'S JUST AN OLD WAR ♪
♪ NOT EVEN A COLD WAR ♪

♪ IT'S JUST AN OLD WAR ♪
♪ NOT EVEN A COLD WAR ♪
♪ DON'T SAY IT IN RUSSIAN ♪

♪ NOT EVEN A COLD WAR ♪
♪ DON'T SAY IT IN RUSSIAN ♪
♪ DON'T SAY IT IN GERMAN ♪

♪ DON'T SAY IT IN RUSSIAN ♪
♪ DON'T SAY IT IN GERMAN ♪
♪ SAY IT IN BROKEN ENGLISH ♪

♪ DON'T SAY IT IN GERMAN ♪
♪ SAY IT IN BROKEN ENGLISH ♪
♪ SAY IT IN BROKEN ENGLISH ♪

♪ LOSE YOUR FATHER ♪
♪ YOUR HUSBAND ♪
♪ YOUR MOTHER ♪

♪ YOUR HUSBAND ♪
♪ YOUR MOTHER ♪
♪ YOUR CHILDREN ♪

♪ YOUR MOTHER ♪
♪ YOUR CHILDREN ♪
♪ WHAT ARE YOU

♪ YOUR CHILDREN ♪
♪ WHAT ARE YOU
DYING FOR? ♪

♪ WHAT ARE YOU
DYING FOR? ♪
♪ IT'S NOT MY REALITY ♪

DYING FOR? ♪
♪ IT'S NOT MY REALITY ♪
♪ IT'S JUST AN OLD WAR ♪

♪ IT'S NOT MY REALITY ♪
♪ IT'S JUST AN OLD WAR ♪
♪ NOT EVEN A COLD WAR ♪

♪ IT'S JUST AN OLD WAR ♪
♪ NOT EVEN A COLD WAR ♪
♪ DON'T SAY IT IN RUSSIAN ♪

♪ NOT EVEN A COLD WAR ♪
♪ DON'T SAY IT IN RUSSIAN ♪
♪ DON'T SAY IT IN GERMAN ♪

♪ DON'T SAY IT IN RUSSIAN ♪
♪ DON'T SAY IT IN GERMAN ♪
♪ SAY IT IN BROKEN ENGLISH ♪

♪ DON'T SAY IT IN GERMAN ♪
♪ SAY IT IN BROKEN ENGLISH ♪
♪ SAY IT IN BROKEN ENGLISH ♪

♪ WHAT ARE YOU FIGHTING FOR? ♪
♪ WHAT ARE YOU FIGHTING FOR? ♪
♪ WHAT ARE YOU FIGHTING FOR? ♪

♪ WHAT ARE YOU FIGHTING FOR? ♪
♪ WHAT ARE YOU FIGHTING FOR? ♪
♪ WHAT ARE YOU FIGHTING FOR? ♪

♪ WHAT ARE YOU FIGHTING FOR? ♪
♪ WHAT ARE YOU FIGHTING FOR? ♪
♪ WHAT ARE YOU FIGHTING FOR? ♪

♪ WHAT ARE YOU FIGHTING FOR? ♪
♪ WHAT ARE YOU FIGHTING FOR? ♪
♪ WHAT ARE YOU FIGHTING FOR? ♪

♪ WHAT ARE YOU FIGHTING FOR? ♪
♪ WHAT ARE YOU FIGHTING FOR? ♪
[♪...]

[APPLAUSE]

Announcer: AND NOW WEEKEND
UPDATE WITH THE WEEKEND UPDATE
NEWS TEAM.

UPDATE WITH THE WEEKEND UPDATE
NEWS TEAM.
HERE ARE ANCHOR PERSONS

NEWS TEAM.
HERE ARE ANCHOR PERSONS
BILL MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN.

HERE ARE ANCHOR PERSONS
BILL MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN.
GOOD EVENING,

BILL MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN.
GOOD EVENING,
I'M JANE CURTIN.

GOOD EVENING,
I'M JANE CURTIN.
HERE NOW THE NEWS...

I'M JANE CURTIN.
HERE NOW THE NEWS...
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT:

HERE NOW THE NEWS...
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT:
ON THE EVE OF THE OPENING

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT:
ON THE EVE OF THE OPENING
OF THE WINTER OLYMPIC GAMES

ON THE EVE OF THE OPENING
OF THE WINTER OLYMPIC GAMES
AT LAKE PLACID, PROBLEMS HAVE

OF THE WINTER OLYMPIC GAMES
AT LAKE PLACID, PROBLEMS HAVE
ARISEN FOR ABC TELEVISION

AT LAKE PLACID, PROBLEMS HAVE
ARISEN FOR ABC TELEVISION
CREW MEN WHO ARE SETTING UP

ARISEN FOR ABC TELEVISION
CREW MEN WHO ARE SETTING UP
TO BROADCAST THE EVENT.

CREW MEN WHO ARE SETTING UP
TO BROADCAST THE EVENT.
IN ADDITION TO THE FREEZING

TO BROADCAST THE EVENT.
IN ADDITION TO THE FREEZING
TEMPERATURES AND HIGH WINDS,

IN ADDITION TO THE FREEZING
TEMPERATURES AND HIGH WINDS,
OFFICIALS CLAIM THAT

TEMPERATURES AND HIGH WINDS,
OFFICIALS CLAIM THAT
MILES OF T.V. CABLE HAVE BEEN

OFFICIALS CLAIM THAT
MILES OF T.V. CABLE HAVE BEEN
DESTROYED BY WHAT LOOKS LIKE THE

MILES OF T.V. CABLE HAVE BEEN
DESTROYED BY WHAT LOOKS LIKE THE
WORK OF A MISCHIEVOUS

DESTROYED BY WHAT LOOKS LIKE THE
WORK OF A MISCHIEVOUS
RACCOON OR BEAVER.

WORK OF A MISCHIEVOUS
RACCOON OR BEAVER.
WHEN REACHED FOR COMMENT,

RACCOON OR BEAVER.
WHEN REACHED FOR COMMENT,
THE BEAVER SAID, "GEE, MOM,

WHEN REACHED FOR COMMENT,
THE BEAVER SAID, "GEE, MOM,
I'M SORRY, I WON'T DO IT

THE BEAVER SAID, "GEE, MOM,
I'M SORRY, I WON'T DO IT
AGAIN, HONEST."

I'M SORRY, I WON'T DO IT
AGAIN, HONEST."
AFTER FIVE AND A HALF YEARS

AGAIN, HONEST."
AFTER FIVE AND A HALF YEARS
IN SELF-IMPOSED EXILE, FORMER

AFTER FIVE AND A HALF YEARS
IN SELF-IMPOSED EXILE, FORMER
PRESIDENT RICHARD M. NIXON

IN SELF-IMPOSED EXILE, FORMER
PRESIDENT RICHARD M. NIXON
DEPARTED SAN CLEMENTE,

PRESIDENT RICHARD M. NIXON
DEPARTED SAN CLEMENTE,
CALIFORNIA TODAY AND HEADED

DEPARTED SAN CLEMENTE,
CALIFORNIA TODAY AND HEADED
FOR HIS NEW RESIDENCE...

CALIFORNIA TODAY AND HEADED
FOR HIS NEW RESIDENCE...
A $750,000 TOWNHOUSE ON

FOR HIS NEW RESIDENCE...
A $750,000 TOWNHOUSE ON
MANHATTAN'S EAST SIDE.

A $750,000 TOWNHOUSE ON
MANHATTAN'S EAST SIDE.
THE SAN CLEMENTE HOUSE WAS KNOWN

MANHATTAN'S EAST SIDE.
THE SAN CLEMENTE HOUSE WAS KNOWN
AS CASA PACIFICA AND NOW THE NEW

THE SAN CLEMENTE HOUSE WAS KNOWN
AS CASA PACIFICA AND NOW THE NEW
HOUSE WILL BE AFFECTIONATELY

AS CASA PACIFICA AND NOW THE NEW
HOUSE WILL BE AFFECTIONATELY
KNOWN AS "SLUSH FUND ATLANTICA".

HOUSE WILL BE AFFECTIONATELY
KNOWN AS "SLUSH FUND ATLANTICA".
MUHAMMAD ALI, NOW TOURING AFRICA

KNOWN AS "SLUSH FUND ATLANTICA".
MUHAMMAD ALI, NOW TOURING AFRICA
ON BEHALF OF PRESIDENT CARTER...

MUHAMMAD ALI, NOW TOURING AFRICA
ON BEHALF OF PRESIDENT CARTER...
[BILL COUGHS]

ON BEHALF OF PRESIDENT CARTER...
[BILL COUGHS]
TO RAISE SUPPORT FOR THE OLYMPIC

[BILL COUGHS]
TO RAISE SUPPORT FOR THE OLYMPIC
BOYCOTT, GOD BLESS YOU,

TO RAISE SUPPORT FOR THE OLYMPIC
BOYCOTT, GOD BLESS YOU,
SAID LAST WEEK THAT HE WAS

BOYCOTT, GOD BLESS YOU,
SAID LAST WEEK THAT HE WAS
AGAINST THE BOYCOTT.

SAID LAST WEEK THAT HE WAS
AGAINST THE BOYCOTT.
THE FORMER CHAMP, STOPPING IN

AGAINST THE BOYCOTT.
THE FORMER CHAMP, STOPPING IN
TANZANIA, SAID, AND I QUOTE,

THE FORMER CHAMP, STOPPING IN
TANZANIA, SAID, AND I QUOTE,
"I'M NOT SUPPORTIN' NOTHIN'

TANZANIA, SAID, AND I QUOTE,
"I'M NOT SUPPORTIN' NOTHIN'
THAT'S CALLED A BOYCOTT."

"I'M NOT SUPPORTIN' NOTHIN'
THAT'S CALLED A BOYCOTT."
BILL?

THAT'S CALLED A BOYCOTT."
BILL?
THE F.B.I. ANNOUNCED YESTERDAY

BILL?
THE F.B.I. ANNOUNCED YESTERDAY
THAT IT CURRENTLY HAS 80

THE F.B.I. ANNOUNCED YESTERDAY
THAT IT CURRENTLY HAS 80
INQUIRIES UNDER WAY INVOLVING

THAT IT CURRENTLY HAS 80
INQUIRIES UNDER WAY INVOLVING
WHITE-COLLAR CRIMES IN ALL AREAS

INQUIRIES UNDER WAY INVOLVING
WHITE-COLLAR CRIMES IN ALL AREAS
OF GOVERNMENT AND BIG BUSINESS

WHITE-COLLAR CRIMES IN ALL AREAS
OF GOVERNMENT AND BIG BUSINESS
INCLUDING REPORTED

OF GOVERNMENT AND BIG BUSINESS
INCLUDING REPORTED
INVESTIGATIONS OF THE THREE

INCLUDING REPORTED
INVESTIGATIONS OF THE THREE
MAJOR TELEVISION NETWORKS

INVESTIGATIONS OF THE THREE
MAJOR TELEVISION NETWORKS
FOCUSING SPECIFICALLY ON

MAJOR TELEVISION NETWORKS
FOCUSING SPECIFICALLY ON
PAYOFFS TO PEOPLE IN CHARGE

FOCUSING SPECIFICALLY ON
PAYOFFS TO PEOPLE IN CHARGE
OF GATHERING AND DISSEMINATING

PAYOFFS TO PEOPLE IN CHARGE
OF GATHERING AND DISSEMINATING
THE NEWS.

OF GATHERING AND DISSEMINATING
THE NEWS.
WE AT WEEKEND UPDATE SUPPORT

THE NEWS.
WE AT WEEKEND UPDATE SUPPORT
THE EFFORTS OF THE F.B.I.

WE AT WEEKEND UPDATE SUPPORT
THE EFFORTS OF THE F.B.I.
AND WISH THEM WELL

THE EFFORTS OF THE F.B.I.
AND WISH THEM WELL
IN THESE INVESTIGATIONS.

AND WISH THEM WELL
IN THESE INVESTIGATIONS.
[LAUGHTER]

IN THESE INVESTIGATIONS.
[LAUGHTER]
AMERICANS HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE

[LAUGHTER]
AMERICANS HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE
TO THANK THE CANADIAN GOVERNMENT

AMERICANS HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE
TO THANK THE CANADIAN GOVERNMENT
ENOUGH FOR HELP IN SNEAKING

TO THANK THE CANADIAN GOVERNMENT
ENOUGH FOR HELP IN SNEAKING
THE SIX U.S. EMBASSY EMPLOYEES

ENOUGH FOR HELP IN SNEAKING
THE SIX U.S. EMBASSY EMPLOYEES
OUT OF TEHRAN, BUT CONGRESS

THE SIX U.S. EMBASSY EMPLOYEES
OUT OF TEHRAN, BUT CONGRESS
THINKS IT HAS A SOLUTION.

OUT OF TEHRAN, BUT CONGRESS
THINKS IT HAS A SOLUTION.
YESTERDAY IT CHOSE GARY LEONARD

THINKS IT HAS A SOLUTION.
YESTERDAY IT CHOSE GARY LEONARD
OF DETROIT, MICHIGAN TO

YESTERDAY IT CHOSE GARY LEONARD
OF DETROIT, MICHIGAN TO
PERSONALLY SEND THANK YOU NOTES

OF DETROIT, MICHIGAN TO
PERSONALLY SEND THANK YOU NOTES
TO EVERY ONE OF CANADA'S

PERSONALLY SEND THANK YOU NOTES
TO EVERY ONE OF CANADA'S
25 MILLION CITIZENS.

TO EVERY ONE OF CANADA'S
25 MILLION CITIZENS.
SAID THE SURPRISED LEONARD,

25 MILLION CITIZENS.
SAID THE SURPRISED LEONARD,
"I HAVEN'T EVEN FINISHED MY

SAID THE SURPRISED LEONARD,
"I HAVEN'T EVEN FINISHED MY
CHRISTMAS THANK YOUS YET.

"I HAVEN'T EVEN FINISHED MY
CHRISTMAS THANK YOUS YET.
NOW I GUESS I HAVE TO BUY

CHRISTMAS THANK YOUS YET.
NOW I GUESS I HAVE TO BUY
MORE STAMPS!"

NOW I GUESS I HAVE TO BUY
MORE STAMPS!"
AFTER EXAMINING THE LATEST

MORE STAMPS!"
AFTER EXAMINING THE LATEST
POLLS IN MAINE AND NEW

AFTER EXAMINING THE LATEST
POLLS IN MAINE AND NEW
HAMPSHIRE, TEDDY KENNEDY HAS

POLLS IN MAINE AND NEW
HAMPSHIRE, TEDDY KENNEDY HAS
MADE A DRAMATIC REVERSAL

HAMPSHIRE, TEDDY KENNEDY HAS
MADE A DRAMATIC REVERSAL
IN STRATEGY.

MADE A DRAMATIC REVERSAL
IN STRATEGY.
TODAY KENNEDY ANNOUNCED THAT

IN STRATEGY.
TODAY KENNEDY ANNOUNCED THAT
IN ORDER TO STAY IN THE RACE,

TODAY KENNEDY ANNOUNCED THAT
IN ORDER TO STAY IN THE RACE,
HE WILL HAVE TO LOSE

IN ORDER TO STAY IN THE RACE,
HE WILL HAVE TO LOSE
IN BOTH STATES.

HE WILL HAVE TO LOSE
IN BOTH STATES.
JANE?

IN BOTH STATES.
JANE?
KENNEDY WATCHERS HAVE NOTICED

JANE?
KENNEDY WATCHERS HAVE NOTICED
A DRASTIC CHANGE IN THE

KENNEDY WATCHERS HAVE NOTICED
A DRASTIC CHANGE IN THE
APPEARANCE OF THE SENATOR'S

A DRASTIC CHANGE IN THE
APPEARANCE OF THE SENATOR'S
WIFE, JOAN.

APPEARANCE OF THE SENATOR'S
WIFE, JOAN.
AS THE PHOTOGRAPH ON THE LEFT

WIFE, JOAN.
AS THE PHOTOGRAPH ON THE LEFT
REVEALS, MRS. KENNEDY

AS THE PHOTOGRAPH ON THE LEFT
REVEALS, MRS. KENNEDY
LOOKED LIKE THIS IN AUGUST

REVEALS, MRS. KENNEDY
LOOKED LIKE THIS IN AUGUST
OF LAST YEAR.

LOOKED LIKE THIS IN AUGUST
OF LAST YEAR.
THE PHOTO ON THE RIGHT WAS

OF LAST YEAR.
THE PHOTO ON THE RIGHT WAS
TAKEN JUST LAST WEEK.

THE PHOTO ON THE RIGHT WAS
TAKEN JUST LAST WEEK.
THIS STRIKING CHANGE HAS BEEN

TAKEN JUST LAST WEEK.
THIS STRIKING CHANGE HAS BEEN
ATTRIBUTED TO COSMETIC SURGERY

THIS STRIKING CHANGE HAS BEEN
ATTRIBUTED TO COSMETIC SURGERY
HOWEVER, THE KENNEDY FAMILY

ATTRIBUTED TO COSMETIC SURGERY
HOWEVER, THE KENNEDY FAMILY
DENIES THIS.

HOWEVER, THE KENNEDY FAMILY
DENIES THIS.
THEY DID REVEAL HOWEVER,

DENIES THIS.
THEY DID REVEAL HOWEVER,
THAT MRS. KENNEDY WILL NOT

THEY DID REVEAL HOWEVER,
THAT MRS. KENNEDY WILL NOT
REPLACE MADAM ON THE

THAT MRS. KENNEDY WILL NOT
REPLACE MADAM ON THE
WAYLAND FLOWERS TOUR

REPLACE MADAM ON THE
WAYLAND FLOWERS TOUR
NEXT SUMMER.

WAYLAND FLOWERS TOUR
NEXT SUMMER.
[LAUGHTER]

NEXT SUMMER.
[LAUGHTER]
IN PRISON FOR JUST A FEW DAYS

[LAUGHTER]
IN PRISON FOR JUST A FEW DAYS
AND ALREADY STUDIO 54'S

IN PRISON FOR JUST A FEW DAYS
AND ALREADY STUDIO 54'S
STEVE RUBELL HAS ATTEMPTED

AND ALREADY STUDIO 54'S
STEVE RUBELL HAS ATTEMPTED
TO BREAK OUT OF HIS MANHATTAN

STEVE RUBELL HAS ATTEMPTED
TO BREAK OUT OF HIS MANHATTAN
JAIL CELL.

TO BREAK OUT OF HIS MANHATTAN
JAIL CELL.
SEEN HERE CHECKING OUT AN AIR

JAIL CELL.
SEEN HERE CHECKING OUT AN AIR
CONDITIONING VENT WITH ONE OF

SEEN HERE CHECKING OUT AN AIR
CONDITIONING VENT WITH ONE OF
HIS OUTSIDE CONTACTS, RUBELL DID

CONDITIONING VENT WITH ONE OF
HIS OUTSIDE CONTACTS, RUBELL DID
NOT GET FAR IN HIS ESCAPE PLANS.

HIS OUTSIDE CONTACTS, RUBELL DID
NOT GET FAR IN HIS ESCAPE PLANS.
PRISON AUTHORITIES SAID HE HAD

NOT GET FAR IN HIS ESCAPE PLANS.
PRISON AUTHORITIES SAID HE HAD
DIFFICULTY TRYING TO TUNNEL HIS

PRISON AUTHORITIES SAID HE HAD
DIFFICULTY TRYING TO TUNNEL HIS
WAY OUT USING THOSE TEENY, TINY,

DIFFICULTY TRYING TO TUNNEL HIS
WAY OUT USING THOSE TEENY, TINY,
LITTLE SILVER SPOONS.

WAY OUT USING THOSE TEENY, TINY,
LITTLE SILVER SPOONS.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LITTLE SILVER SPOONS.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
SCIENTISTS AT DUKE UNIVERSITY

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
SCIENTISTS AT DUKE UNIVERSITY
ANNOUNCED THIS WEEK THAT THEY

SCIENTISTS AT DUKE UNIVERSITY
ANNOUNCED THIS WEEK THAT THEY
HAVE IDENTIFIED FROM FOSSILS

ANNOUNCED THIS WEEK THAT THEY
HAVE IDENTIFIED FROM FOSSILS
AN AFRICAN MONKEY-LIKE ANIMAL

HAVE IDENTIFIED FROM FOSSILS
AN AFRICAN MONKEY-LIKE ANIMAL
30 MILLION YEARS OLD

AN AFRICAN MONKEY-LIKE ANIMAL
30 MILLION YEARS OLD
WHICH SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN

30 MILLION YEARS OLD
WHICH SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN
A COMMON ANCESTOR OF BOTH

WHICH SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN
A COMMON ANCESTOR OF BOTH
MAN AND APES.

A COMMON ANCESTOR OF BOTH
MAN AND APES.
GIVEN THE NAME AEGYPTOPITHECUS,

MAN AND APES.
GIVEN THE NAME AEGYPTOPITHECUS,
THE ANIMAL APPARENTLY POSSESSED

GIVEN THE NAME AEGYPTOPITHECUS,
THE ANIMAL APPARENTLY POSSESSED
TRAITS OF BOTH APE AND MAN.

THE ANIMAL APPARENTLY POSSESSED
TRAITS OF BOTH APE AND MAN.
FOR EXAMPLE, SCIENTISTS SAY

TRAITS OF BOTH APE AND MAN.
FOR EXAMPLE, SCIENTISTS SAY
IT WAS ADVANCED ENOUGH TO HAVE

FOR EXAMPLE, SCIENTISTS SAY
IT WAS ADVANCED ENOUGH TO HAVE
ITS OWN CHAIN OF NEWSPAPERS

IT WAS ADVANCED ENOUGH TO HAVE
ITS OWN CHAIN OF NEWSPAPERS
BUT INSTEAD OF READING THEM

ITS OWN CHAIN OF NEWSPAPERS
BUT INSTEAD OF READING THEM
IT JUST TORE THE PAPERS TO

BUT INSTEAD OF READING THEM
IT JUST TORE THE PAPERS TO
SHREDS AND LEFT THE JUNGLE

IT JUST TORE THE PAPERS TO
SHREDS AND LEFT THE JUNGLE
IN A BIG MESS.

SHREDS AND LEFT THE JUNGLE
IN A BIG MESS.
ON THURSDAY, PRESIDENT CARTER

IN A BIG MESS.
ON THURSDAY, PRESIDENT CARTER
SUBMITTED A PROPOSAL THAT WOMEN

ON THURSDAY, PRESIDENT CARTER
SUBMITTED A PROPOSAL THAT WOMEN
BE REGISTERED FOR THE DRAFT.

SUBMITTED A PROPOSAL THAT WOMEN
BE REGISTERED FOR THE DRAFT.
THIS PROPOSAL AND THE OPPOSITION

BE REGISTERED FOR THE DRAFT.
THIS PROPOSAL AND THE OPPOSITION
IT HAS AROUSED IS THE SUBJECT

THIS PROPOSAL AND THE OPPOSITION
IT HAS AROUSED IS THE SUBJECT
OF TONIGHT'S COMMENTARY

IT HAS AROUSED IS THE SUBJECT
OF TONIGHT'S COMMENTARY
BY BILL MURRAY.

OF TONIGHT'S COMMENTARY
BY BILL MURRAY.
BILL?

BY BILL MURRAY.
BILL?
PRESIDENT CARTER HAS PROPOSED

BILL?
PRESIDENT CARTER HAS PROPOSED
THE DRAFTING OF WOMEN AND

PRESIDENT CARTER HAS PROPOSED
THE DRAFTING OF WOMEN AND
EVERYBODY'S ALL WORKED UP

THE DRAFTING OF WOMEN AND
EVERYBODY'S ALL WORKED UP
ABOUT IT.

EVERYBODY'S ALL WORKED UP
ABOUT IT.
PERSONALLY, I DON'T SEE

ABOUT IT.
PERSONALLY, I DON'T SEE
WHAT THEY'RE COMPLAINING ABOUT.

PERSONALLY, I DON'T SEE
WHAT THEY'RE COMPLAINING ABOUT.
WOMEN IN THE ARMED FORCES

WHAT THEY'RE COMPLAINING ABOUT.
WOMEN IN THE ARMED FORCES
COULD BE THE BEST THING THAT

WOMEN IN THE ARMED FORCES
COULD BE THE BEST THING THAT
EVER HAPPENED TO THIS COUNTRY.

COULD BE THE BEST THING THAT
EVER HAPPENED TO THIS COUNTRY.
LET'S SAY WE HAVE A WAR WITH

EVER HAPPENED TO THIS COUNTRY.
LET'S SAY WE HAVE A WAR WITH
RUSSIA AND THE WOMEN FIGHT.

LET'S SAY WE HAVE A WAR WITH
RUSSIA AND THE WOMEN FIGHT.
IF WE WIN, THAT'S OKAY.

RUSSIA AND THE WOMEN FIGHT.
IF WE WIN, THAT'S OKAY.
AND IF WE LOSE, WE CAN SAY

IF WE WIN, THAT'S OKAY.
AND IF WE LOSE, WE CAN SAY
TO THE RUSSIANS, "WOW...

AND IF WE LOSE, WE CAN SAY
TO THE RUSSIANS, "WOW...
YOU BEAT A BUNCH OF GIRLS."

TO THE RUSSIANS, "WOW...
YOU BEAT A BUNCH OF GIRLS."
[LAUGHTER]

YOU BEAT A BUNCH OF GIRLS."
[LAUGHTER]
YOU MUST BE REALLY PROUD

[LAUGHTER]
YOU MUST BE REALLY PROUD
OF YOURSELVES.

YOU MUST BE REALLY PROUD
OF YOURSELVES.
YOU RUSSIANS ARE REAL

OF YOURSELVES.
YOU RUSSIANS ARE REAL
TOUGH GUYS, YEAH.

YOU RUSSIANS ARE REAL
TOUGH GUYS, YEAH.
CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW EMBARRASSED

TOUGH GUYS, YEAH.
CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW EMBARRASSED
THE RUSSIANS WOULD BE?

CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW EMBARRASSED
THE RUSSIANS WOULD BE?
THE SAME HOLDS TRUE FOR WEAPONS.

THE RUSSIANS WOULD BE?
THE SAME HOLDS TRUE FOR WEAPONS.
WHY GIVE WEAPONS TO

THE SAME HOLDS TRUE FOR WEAPONS.
WHY GIVE WEAPONS TO
OUR SOLDIERS?

WHY GIVE WEAPONS TO
OUR SOLDIERS?
IF WE WIN WITHOUT 'EM, FINE!

OUR SOLDIERS?
IF WE WIN WITHOUT 'EM, FINE!
AND IF WE LOSE, WE CAN SAY,

IF WE WIN WITHOUT 'EM, FINE!
AND IF WE LOSE, WE CAN SAY,
"OH, SO YOU BEAT US.

AND IF WE LOSE, WE CAN SAY,
"OH, SO YOU BEAT US.
WE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE ANY WEAPONS,

"OH, SO YOU BEAT US.
WE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE ANY WEAPONS,
WHAT DO YOU WANT?

WE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE ANY WEAPONS,
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
BIG DEAL!"

WHAT DO YOU WANT?
BIG DEAL!"
IF YOU ASK ME, THE BEST DEFENSE

BIG DEAL!"
IF YOU ASK ME, THE BEST DEFENSE
OUR COUNTRY COULD HAVE WOULD BE

IF YOU ASK ME, THE BEST DEFENSE
OUR COUNTRY COULD HAVE WOULD BE
AN ARMY OF POORLY EQUIPPED,

OUR COUNTRY COULD HAVE WOULD BE
AN ARMY OF POORLY EQUIPPED,
UNTRAINED, UNARMED WOMEN.

AN ARMY OF POORLY EQUIPPED,
UNTRAINED, UNARMED WOMEN.
THAT WAY, EITHER WE WOULD

UNTRAINED, UNARMED WOMEN.
THAT WAY, EITHER WE WOULD
WIN THE WAR OR WE'D MAKE

THAT WAY, EITHER WE WOULD
WIN THE WAR OR WE'D MAKE
THE RUSSIANS LOOK LIKE

WIN THE WAR OR WE'D MAKE
THE RUSSIANS LOOK LIKE
INCREDIBLE JERKS.

THE RUSSIANS LOOK LIKE
INCREDIBLE JERKS.
AND ISN'T THAT WHAT

INCREDIBLE JERKS.
AND ISN'T THAT WHAT
IT'S ALL ABOUT ANYWAY?

AND ISN'T THAT WHAT
IT'S ALL ABOUT ANYWAY?
THAT'S MY OPINION.

IT'S ALL ABOUT ANYWAY?
THAT'S MY OPINION.
I'M BILL MURRAY

THAT'S MY OPINION.
I'M BILL MURRAY
AND MY GIRLFRIEND'S GOING.

I'M BILL MURRAY
AND MY GIRLFRIEND'S GOING.
JANE?

AND MY GIRLFRIEND'S GOING.
JANE?
[APPLAUSE]

JANE?
[APPLAUSE]
THE TRANSPLANT OF A KIDNEY

[APPLAUSE]
THE TRANSPLANT OF A KIDNEY
FROM AN ISRAELI SLAIN BY ARABS

THE TRANSPLANT OF A KIDNEY
FROM AN ISRAELI SLAIN BY ARABS
TO AN ANTI-ISRAELI ARAB GIRL

FROM AN ISRAELI SLAIN BY ARABS
TO AN ANTI-ISRAELI ARAB GIRL
HAS ANGERED ULTRA ORTHODOX

TO AN ANTI-ISRAELI ARAB GIRL
HAS ANGERED ULTRA ORTHODOX
MEMBERS OF THE ISRAELI

HAS ANGERED ULTRA ORTHODOX
MEMBERS OF THE ISRAELI
PARLIAMENT WHO WILL MOVE

MEMBERS OF THE ISRAELI
PARLIAMENT WHO WILL MOVE
TO OUTLAW ORGAN TRANSPLANTS

PARLIAMENT WHO WILL MOVE
TO OUTLAW ORGAN TRANSPLANTS
UNLESS RELATIVES GIVE

TO OUTLAW ORGAN TRANSPLANTS
UNLESS RELATIVES GIVE
PERMISSION.

UNLESS RELATIVES GIVE
PERMISSION.
NEW LEGISLATION WILL REQUIRE

PERMISSION.
NEW LEGISLATION WILL REQUIRE
THAT JEWISH PARENTS FIRST HAVE

NEW LEGISLATION WILL REQUIRE
THAT JEWISH PARENTS FIRST HAVE
THE ORGANS OVER FOR DINNER

THAT JEWISH PARENTS FIRST HAVE
THE ORGANS OVER FOR DINNER
AND THEN DECIDE WHETHER OR NOT

THE ORGANS OVER FOR DINNER
AND THEN DECIDE WHETHER OR NOT
THEY WANNA GIVE THEIR APPROVAL.

AND THEN DECIDE WHETHER OR NOT
THEY WANNA GIVE THEIR APPROVAL.
TELEVISION'S QUINTESSENTIAL

THEY WANNA GIVE THEIR APPROVAL.
TELEVISION'S QUINTESSENTIAL
NEWSCASTER, WALTER CRONKITE,

TELEVISION'S QUINTESSENTIAL
NEWSCASTER, WALTER CRONKITE,
HAS TOLD CBS THAT HE WANTS

NEWSCASTER, WALTER CRONKITE,
HAS TOLD CBS THAT HE WANTS
TO QUIT AS ANCHOR OF

HAS TOLD CBS THAT HE WANTS
TO QUIT AS ANCHOR OF
THE EVENING NEWS WHEN HIS

TO QUIT AS ANCHOR OF
THE EVENING NEWS WHEN HIS
CURRENT CONTRACT EXPIRES

THE EVENING NEWS WHEN HIS
CURRENT CONTRACT EXPIRES
IN 1981.

CURRENT CONTRACT EXPIRES
IN 1981.
MR. CRONKITE IS 63 YEARS OLD

IN 1981.
MR. CRONKITE IS 63 YEARS OLD
BUT I'D LIKE TO SAY THAT IF HE

MR. CRONKITE IS 63 YEARS OLD
BUT I'D LIKE TO SAY THAT IF HE
LEAVES CBS, HE CAN PARK HIS

BUT I'D LIKE TO SAY THAT IF HE
LEAVES CBS, HE CAN PARK HIS
BULLETINS UNDER MY NEWS DESK

LEAVES CBS, HE CAN PARK HIS
BULLETINS UNDER MY NEWS DESK
ANYTIME HE WANTS.

BULLETINS UNDER MY NEWS DESK
ANYTIME HE WANTS.
[APPLAUSE]

ANYTIME HE WANTS.
[APPLAUSE]
AND A REMINDER...

[APPLAUSE]
AND A REMINDER...
ON THE UPCOMING LINCOLN BIRTHDAY

AND A REMINDER...
ON THE UPCOMING LINCOLN BIRTHDAY
HOLIDAY MOST CITY AND STATE

ON THE UPCOMING LINCOLN BIRTHDAY
HOLIDAY MOST CITY AND STATE
PUBLIC SCHOOLS WILL BE CLOSED.

HOLIDAY MOST CITY AND STATE
PUBLIC SCHOOLS WILL BE CLOSED.
BUT IN HONOR OF THE GREAT

PUBLIC SCHOOLS WILL BE CLOSED.
BUT IN HONOR OF THE GREAT
EMANCIPATOR, BUSSING WILL

BUT IN HONOR OF THE GREAT
EMANCIPATOR, BUSSING WILL
CONTINUE AS USUAL.

EMANCIPATOR, BUSSING WILL
CONTINUE AS USUAL.
BILL?

CONTINUE AS USUAL.
BILL?
I'M GLAD YOU BROUGHT

BILL?
I'M GLAD YOU BROUGHT
THAT UP, JANE.

I'M GLAD YOU BROUGHT
THAT UP, JANE.
FEBRUARY 12th IS LINCOLN'S

THAT UP, JANE.
FEBRUARY 12th IS LINCOLN'S
BIRTHDAY BUT THERE IS ANOTHER

FEBRUARY 12th IS LINCOLN'S
BIRTHDAY BUT THERE IS ANOTHER
AMERICAN BIGGY...

BIRTHDAY BUT THERE IS ANOTHER
AMERICAN BIGGY...
GORGEOUS GEORGE WASHINGTON...

AMERICAN BIGGY...
GORGEOUS GEORGE WASHINGTON...
WHO'S CELEBRATING HIS BIRTHDAY

GORGEOUS GEORGE WASHINGTON...
WHO'S CELEBRATING HIS BIRTHDAY
THIS MONTH TOO AND I WOULD LIKE

WHO'S CELEBRATING HIS BIRTHDAY
THIS MONTH TOO AND I WOULD LIKE
TO PAY MY RESPECTS

THIS MONTH TOO AND I WOULD LIKE
TO PAY MY RESPECTS
TO BOTH OF THEM.

TO PAY MY RESPECTS
TO BOTH OF THEM.
♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ♪

TO BOTH OF THEM.
♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ♪
♪ HAPPY PRESIDENTIAL BIRTHDAY

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ♪
♪ HAPPY PRESIDENTIAL BIRTHDAY
TO YOU ♪

♪ HAPPY PRESIDENTIAL BIRTHDAY
TO YOU ♪
♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY FATHER OF OUR

TO YOU ♪
♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY FATHER OF OUR
COUNTRY WHO NEVER TOLD A LIE ♪

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY FATHER OF OUR
COUNTRY WHO NEVER TOLD A LIE ♪
♪ AND YOU OLD RAIL SPLITTER

COUNTRY WHO NEVER TOLD A LIE ♪
♪ AND YOU OLD RAIL SPLITTER
WHO FREED THE SLAVES ♪

♪ AND YOU OLD RAIL SPLITTER
WHO FREED THE SLAVES ♪
♪ AND WALKED SIX MILES

WHO FREED THE SLAVES ♪
♪ AND WALKED SIX MILES
TO RETURN A BOOK ♪

♪ AND WALKED SIX MILES
TO RETURN A BOOK ♪
♪ AND WORE A BIG HAT ♪

TO RETURN A BOOK ♪
♪ AND WORE A BIG HAT ♪
♪ AND GOT SHOT IN THE HEAD THE

♪ AND WORE A BIG HAT ♪
♪ AND GOT SHOT IN THE HEAD THE
ONE TIME YOU DIDN'T WEAR IT ♪

♪ AND GOT SHOT IN THE HEAD THE
ONE TIME YOU DIDN'T WEAR IT ♪
♪ AND NOW HIS FACE IS ON THE

ONE TIME YOU DIDN'T WEAR IT ♪
♪ AND NOW HIS FACE IS ON THE
PENNY AND HE'S STILL NOT

♪ AND NOW HIS FACE IS ON THE
PENNY AND HE'S STILL NOT
WEARING THAT HAT ♪

PENNY AND HE'S STILL NOT
WEARING THAT HAT ♪
♪ AND HE WROTE HIS INCREDIBLE

WEARING THAT HAT ♪
♪ AND HE WROTE HIS INCREDIBLE
SPEECH ON THE BACK OF AN

♪ AND HE WROTE HIS INCREDIBLE
SPEECH ON THE BACK OF AN
ENVELOPE WHEN HE WAS MARRIED

SPEECH ON THE BACK OF AN
ENVELOPE WHEN HE WAS MARRIED
TO AN INSANE WOMAN WHO'S CRAZY

ENVELOPE WHEN HE WAS MARRIED
TO AN INSANE WOMAN WHO'S CRAZY
AND SMOKED A PIPE ♪

TO AN INSANE WOMAN WHO'S CRAZY
AND SMOKED A PIPE ♪
Jane: FINISH THE STORY, BILL.

AND SMOKED A PIPE ♪
Jane: FINISH THE STORY, BILL.
♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU BOTH ♪

Jane: FINISH THE STORY, BILL.
♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU BOTH ♪
[APPLAUSE]

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU BOTH ♪
[APPLAUSE]
THAT'S THE NEWS.

[APPLAUSE]
THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOODNIGHT AND HAVE

THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOODNIGHT AND HAVE
A PLEASANT TOMORROW.

GOODNIGHT AND HAVE
A PLEASANT TOMORROW.
[APPLAUSE]

Announcer: TONIGHT, OVER
100 MILLION DOLLARS IN CASH
AND PRIZES GO UP FOR GRABS

100 MILLION DOLLARS IN CASH
AND PRIZES GO UP FOR GRABS
ON THE BIGGEST GIVEAWAY IN

AND PRIZES GO UP FOR GRABS
ON THE BIGGEST GIVEAWAY IN
TELEVISION HISTORY.

ON THE BIGGEST GIVEAWAY IN
TELEVISION HISTORY.
GET READY 'CAUSE IT'S TIME

TO PLAY "YOU CAN'T WIN!"
AND HERE'S THE MAN WHO SAYS

AND HERE'S THE MAN WHO SAYS
IT'S BETTER TO GIVE THAN

IT'S BETTER TO GIVE THAN
TO RECEIVE, THE HOST OF

TO RECEIVE, THE HOST OF
"YOU CAN'T WIN", DICK BAXTER!
[APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU, DON PARDO AND
THANK YOU EVERYONE AND
WELCOME TO "YOU CAN'T WIN".

THANK YOU EVERYONE AND
WELCOME TO "YOU CAN'T WIN".
WITH A LITTLE LUCK YOU CAN

WELCOME TO "YOU CAN'T WIN".
WITH A LITTLE LUCK YOU CAN
GO A LONG WAY.

WITH A LITTLE LUCK YOU CAN
GO A LONG WAY.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING, TONIGHT'S

GO A LONG WAY.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING, TONIGHT'S
BIG SHOWCASE IS WORTH OVER

YOU KNOW SOMETHING, TONIGHT'S
BIG SHOWCASE IS WORTH OVER
ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

BIG SHOWCASE IS WORTH OVER
ONE MILLION DOLLARS.
SO, IF MY LOVELY ASSISTANTS,

ONE MILLION DOLLARS.
SO, IF MY LOVELY ASSISTANTS,
CAROL AND JANICE WILL PLEASE

SO, IF MY LOVELY ASSISTANTS,
CAROL AND JANICE WILL PLEASE
COME OVER TO THE BARREL

CAROL AND JANICE WILL PLEASE
COME OVER TO THE BARREL
OF NAMES AND HELP ME PICK OUT

COME OVER TO THE BARREL
OF NAMES AND HELP ME PICK OUT
THE NAMES OF TONIGHT'S

OF NAMES AND HELP ME PICK OUT
THE NAMES OF TONIGHT'S
CONTESTANTS, WE'LL BEGIN

THE NAMES OF TONIGHT'S
CONTESTANTS, WE'LL BEGIN
TRYING TO GIVE AWAY SOME

CONTESTANTS, WE'LL BEGIN
TRYING TO GIVE AWAY SOME
FABULOUS PRIZES.

TRYING TO GIVE AWAY SOME
FABULOUS PRIZES.
AS YOU ALL KNOW THE BARREL

FABULOUS PRIZES.
AS YOU ALL KNOW THE BARREL
IS FILLED THE NAMES OF EVERYONE

AS YOU ALL KNOW THE BARREL
IS FILLED THE NAMES OF EVERYONE
IN OUR STUDIO AUDIENCE.

IS FILLED THE NAMES OF EVERYONE
IN OUR STUDIO AUDIENCE.
THANK YOU, GIRLS.

IN OUR STUDIO AUDIENCE.
THANK YOU, GIRLS.
ALL RIGHT, WHEN I COME...

THANK YOU, GIRLS.
ALL RIGHT, WHEN I COME...
WHEN I COME BACK,

ALL RIGHT, WHEN I COME...
WHEN I COME BACK,
I'LL DO THIS AGAIN. [LAUGHS]

WHEN I COME BACK,
I'LL DO THIS AGAIN. [LAUGHS]
WHEN I CALL YOUR NAME I WANT YOU

I'LL DO THIS AGAIN. [LAUGHS]
WHEN I CALL YOUR NAME I WANT YOU
TO COME DOWN HERE AND COME ON

WHEN I CALL YOUR NAME I WANT YOU
TO COME DOWN HERE AND COME ON
DOWN FAST, OKAY?

TO COME DOWN HERE AND COME ON
DOWN FAST, OKAY?
YOU READY?

DOWN FAST, OKAY?
YOU READY?
ARE YOU ALL READY?

YOU READY?
ARE YOU ALL READY?
Audience: YEAH!

ARE YOU ALL READY?
Audience: YEAH!
OKAY, THAT'S WHAT

Audience: YEAH!
OKAY, THAT'S WHAT
I LIKE TO HEAR!

OKAY, THAT'S WHAT
I LIKE TO HEAR!
I BELIEVE IT'S, IT'S, UH,

I LIKE TO HEAR!
I BELIEVE IT'S, IT'S, UH,
LINDA MARTINO,

I BELIEVE IT'S, IT'S, UH,
LINDA MARTINO,
THAT'S WHAT IT IS!

LINDA MARTINO,
THAT'S WHAT IT IS!
LINDA MARTINO.

THAT'S WHAT IT IS!
LINDA MARTINO.
[SCREAMS]

HAYWOOD JONES, COME ON!

OKAY, AND WOODWARD PARKER,
COME ON DOWN!

OKAY, WE'RE MISSING ONE, HUH?
HERE HE IS, OH, BOY!
I CAN SEE YOU'RE ALL PRETTY DARN

HERE HE IS, OH, BOY!
I CAN SEE YOU'RE ALL PRETTY DARN
EXCITED ABOUT ALL OF THIS.

I CAN SEE YOU'RE ALL PRETTY DARN
EXCITED ABOUT ALL OF THIS.
I GUESS YOU'RE ANXIOUS

EXCITED ABOUT ALL OF THIS.
I GUESS YOU'RE ANXIOUS
TO PLAY THE GAME BUT

I GUESS YOU'RE ANXIOUS
TO PLAY THE GAME BUT
I JUST WANT YOU TO

TO PLAY THE GAME BUT
I JUST WANT YOU TO
CALM DOWN A BIT.

I JUST WANT YOU TO
CALM DOWN A BIT.
CALM DOWN JUST A TOUCH.

CALM DOWN A BIT.
CALM DOWN JUST A TOUCH.
IF YOU CAN CALM DOWN

CALM DOWN JUST A TOUCH.
IF YOU CAN CALM DOWN
FOR JUST A SECOND.

IF YOU CAN CALM DOWN
FOR JUST A SECOND.
I THINK THE FOLKS AT HOME

FOR JUST A SECOND.
I THINK THE FOLKS AT HOME
WOULD LIKE TO GET TO KNOW

I THINK THE FOLKS AT HOME
WOULD LIKE TO GET TO KNOW
ABOUT YOU A LITTLE BIT BETTER.

WOULD LIKE TO GET TO KNOW
ABOUT YOU A LITTLE BIT BETTER.
SO, LINDA MARTINO...

ABOUT YOU A LITTLE BIT BETTER.
SO, LINDA MARTINO...
WHERE YOU FROM, LINDA?

SO, LINDA MARTINO...
WHERE YOU FROM, LINDA?
UM, MODESTO.

WHERE YOU FROM, LINDA?
UM, MODESTO.
I MEAN, LOS ANGELES.

UM, MODESTO.
I MEAN, LOS ANGELES.
I WAS BORN IN MODESTO BUT

I MEAN, LOS ANGELES.
I WAS BORN IN MODESTO BUT
I LIVE IN LOS ANGELES.

I WAS BORN IN MODESTO BUT
I LIVE IN LOS ANGELES.
OH, I DON'T KNOW. [GIGGLES]

I LIVE IN LOS ANGELES.
OH, I DON'T KNOW. [GIGGLES]
IT DOESN'T MATTER, LINDA.

OH, I DON'T KNOW. [GIGGLES]
IT DOESN'T MATTER, LINDA.
YOU KNOW, IF YOU WIN ANY ONE

IT DOESN'T MATTER, LINDA.
YOU KNOW, IF YOU WIN ANY ONE
OF THESE PRIZES, YOU WON'T

YOU KNOW, IF YOU WIN ANY ONE
OF THESE PRIZES, YOU WON'T
KNOW ANYTHING. [LAUGHS]

OF THESE PRIZES, YOU WON'T
KNOW ANYTHING. [LAUGHS]
OKAY, I THINK ONE OF YOUR

KNOW ANYTHING. [LAUGHS]
OKAY, I THINK ONE OF YOUR
OPPONENTS IS MR. HAYWOOD JONES.

OKAY, I THINK ONE OF YOUR
OPPONENTS IS MR. HAYWOOD JONES.
I BET THEY CALL YOU WOODY.

OPPONENTS IS MR. HAYWOOD JONES.
I BET THEY CALL YOU WOODY.
UH, NO, THEY CALL ME

I BET THEY CALL YOU WOODY.
UH, NO, THEY CALL ME
HAYWOOD... BUT YOU CAN CALL ME

UH, NO, THEY CALL ME
HAYWOOD... BUT YOU CAN CALL ME
JAMES EARL RAY IF I WIN.

HAYWOOD... BUT YOU CAN CALL ME
JAMES EARL RAY IF I WIN.
[BOTH LAUGH]

JAMES EARL RAY IF I WIN.
[BOTH LAUGH]
OKAY, HAYWOOD.

[BOTH LAUGH]
OKAY, HAYWOOD.
LET'S MEET OUR THIRD CONTESTANT

OKAY, HAYWOOD.
LET'S MEET OUR THIRD CONTESTANT
AND YOUR NAME HERE IS

LET'S MEET OUR THIRD CONTESTANT
AND YOUR NAME HERE IS
WOODWARD PARKER.

AND YOUR NAME HERE IS
WOODWARD PARKER.
NO, THAT'S WOODY.

WOODWARD PARKER.
NO, THAT'S WOODY.
WOODY, OKAY, WOODY.

NO, THAT'S WOODY.
WOODY, OKAY, WOODY.
WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?

WOODY, OKAY, WOODY.
WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?
WELL, I ATTEMPT TO TEACH

WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?
WELL, I ATTEMPT TO TEACH
HISTORY TO THE KIDS OVER AT

WELL, I ATTEMPT TO TEACH
HISTORY TO THE KIDS OVER AT
MARSHALL HIGH SCHOOL HERE

HISTORY TO THE KIDS OVER AT
MARSHALL HIGH SCHOOL HERE
IN LOS ANGELES.

MARSHALL HIGH SCHOOL HERE
IN LOS ANGELES.
Dick: WELL, YOU'RE PROBABLY

IN LOS ANGELES.
Dick: WELL, YOU'RE PROBABLY
BECOME A PROFESSOR OF

Dick: WELL, YOU'RE PROBABLY
BECOME A PROFESSOR OF
ECONOMICS IF YOU WIN TONIGHT.

BECOME A PROFESSOR OF
ECONOMICS IF YOU WIN TONIGHT.
WELL, I'LL PROBABLY BECOME

ECONOMICS IF YOU WIN TONIGHT.
WELL, I'LL PROBABLY BECOME
A PROFESSOR OF ECONOMICS

WELL, I'LL PROBABLY BECOME
A PROFESSOR OF ECONOMICS
IF I WIN HERE TONIGHT.

A PROFESSOR OF ECONOMICS
IF I WIN HERE TONIGHT.
[LAUGHTER]

IF I WIN HERE TONIGHT.
[LAUGHTER]
OKAY THEN.

[LAUGHTER]
OKAY THEN.
IT'S TIME TO TAKE A LOOK

OKAY THEN.
IT'S TIME TO TAKE A LOOK
AT THE FIRST SHOWCASE SO,

IT'S TIME TO TAKE A LOOK
AT THE FIRST SHOWCASE SO,
IF YOU'LL DIRECT YOUR ATTENTION

AT THE FIRST SHOWCASE SO,
IF YOU'LL DIRECT YOUR ATTENTION
OVER TO WHERE CAROL AND JANICE

IF YOU'LL DIRECT YOUR ATTENTION
OVER TO WHERE CAROL AND JANICE
ARE STANDING, DON PARDO WILL

OVER TO WHERE CAROL AND JANICE
ARE STANDING, DON PARDO WILL
YOU DESCRIBE IT FOR THEM?

ARE STANDING, DON PARDO WILL
YOU DESCRIBE IT FOR THEM?
DON!

YOU DESCRIBE IT FOR THEM?
DON!
Don: WELL, DICK, OUR FIRST

DON!
Don: WELL, DICK, OUR FIRST
SHOWCASE BEGIN WITH GUM

Don: WELL, DICK, OUR FIRST
SHOWCASE BEGIN WITH GUM
AND IT'S THE ONLY KIND OF GUM

SHOWCASE BEGIN WITH GUM
AND IT'S THE ONLY KIND OF GUM
THAT JANICE WOULD OFFER

AND IT'S THE ONLY KIND OF GUM
THAT JANICE WOULD OFFER
HER FRIEND CAROL...

THAT JANICE WOULD OFFER
HER FRIEND CAROL...
IT'S PARTY TIME GUM.

HER FRIEND CAROL...
IT'S PARTY TIME GUM.
THE GUM THAT THROWS A PARTY

IT'S PARTY TIME GUM.
THE GUM THAT THROWS A PARTY
IN YOUR MOUTH.

THE GUM THAT THROWS A PARTY
IN YOUR MOUTH.
AND WHAT BETTER PLACE TO SPEND

IN YOUR MOUTH.
AND WHAT BETTER PLACE TO SPEND
YOUR TIME CHEWING GUM THAN

AND WHAT BETTER PLACE TO SPEND
YOUR TIME CHEWING GUM THAN
PARIS, FRANCE!

YOUR TIME CHEWING GUM THAN
PARIS, FRANCE!
THAT'S RIGHT, GAY PARIS!

PARIS, FRANCE!
THAT'S RIGHT, GAY PARIS!
AND YOU'LL BE GOING THERE

THAT'S RIGHT, GAY PARIS!
AND YOU'LL BE GOING THERE
IN STYLE ON A LUXURY LINER.

AND YOU'LL BE GOING THERE
IN STYLE ON A LUXURY LINER.
FIRST CLASS ACCOMMODATIONS

IN STYLE ON A LUXURY LINER.
FIRST CLASS ACCOMMODATIONS
ALL THE WAY, PLUS A LITTLE

FIRST CLASS ACCOMMODATIONS
ALL THE WAY, PLUS A LITTLE
SPENDING MONEY WHEN YOU

ALL THE WAY, PLUS A LITTLE
SPENDING MONEY WHEN YOU
GET THERE.

SPENDING MONEY WHEN YOU
GET THERE.
HOW ABOUT $50,000

GET THERE.
HOW ABOUT $50,000
IN SPENDING MONEY?

HOW ABOUT $50,000
IN SPENDING MONEY?
BUT DON'T BUY A CAR WHEN YOU'RE

IN SPENDING MONEY?
BUT DON'T BUY A CAR WHEN YOU'RE
OVER THERE BECAUSE THEY'LL BE

BUT DON'T BUY A CAR WHEN YOU'RE
OVER THERE BECAUSE THEY'LL BE
ONE WAITING FOR YOU IN YOUR

OVER THERE BECAUSE THEY'LL BE
ONE WAITING FOR YOU IN YOUR
DRIVEWAY WHEN YOU GET BACK.

ONE WAITING FOR YOU IN YOUR
DRIVEWAY WHEN YOU GET BACK.
AND IT'S NOT JUST ANY CAR

DRIVEWAY WHEN YOU GET BACK.
AND IT'S NOT JUST ANY CAR
BUT A ROLLS ROYCE!

AND IT'S NOT JUST ANY CAR
BUT A ROLLS ROYCE!
THE ULTIMATE TOURING CAR,

BUT A ROLLS ROYCE!
THE ULTIMATE TOURING CAR,
THIS SILVER CLOUD IS VALUED

THE ULTIMATE TOURING CAR,
THIS SILVER CLOUD IS VALUED
AT $86,000!

THIS SILVER CLOUD IS VALUED
AT $86,000!
TOTAL VALUE OF THE SHOWCASE:

AT $86,000!
TOTAL VALUE OF THE SHOWCASE:
$161,929.22

TOTAL VALUE OF THE SHOWCASE:
$161,929.22
DICK?

$161,929.22
DICK?
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

DICK?
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
OKAY, NOW THAT'S JUST

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
OKAY, NOW THAT'S JUST
THE FIRST SHOWCASE, PLAYERS.

OKAY, NOW THAT'S JUST
THE FIRST SHOWCASE, PLAYERS.
YOU ALL KNOW THE RULES.

THE FIRST SHOWCASE, PLAYERS.
YOU ALL KNOW THE RULES.
I'M GONNA READ A TOSS UP

YOU ALL KNOW THE RULES.
I'M GONNA READ A TOSS UP
QUESTION... THE FIRST ONE TO

I'M GONNA READ A TOSS UP
QUESTION... THE FIRST ONE TO
HIT THEIR BUZZER AND ANSWER

QUESTION... THE FIRST ONE TO
HIT THEIR BUZZER AND ANSWER
CORRECTLY GETS A SHOT

HIT THEIR BUZZER AND ANSWER
CORRECTLY GETS A SHOT
AT THE SHOWCASE.

CORRECTLY GETS A SHOT
AT THE SHOWCASE.
ARE WE READY?

AT THE SHOWCASE.
ARE WE READY?
MM-HMM.

ARE WE READY?
MM-HMM.
OKAY.

MM-HMM.
OKAY.
HERE'S THE QUESTION.

OKAY.
HERE'S THE QUESTION.
LISTEN CAREFULLY.

HERE'S THE QUESTION.
LISTEN CAREFULLY.
GOTHAM, THE BIG APPLE,

LISTEN CAREFULLY.
GOTHAM, THE BIG APPLE,
BROADWAY... THESE ARE ALL NAMES

GOTHAM, THE BIG APPLE,
BROADWAY... THESE ARE ALL NAMES
ASSOCIATED WITH WHAT CITY?

BROADWAY... THESE ARE ALL NAMES
ASSOCIATED WITH WHAT CITY?
UH-OH, LINDA!

ASSOCIATED WITH WHAT CITY?
UH-OH, LINDA!
OH, NEW YORK!

UH-OH, LINDA!
OH, NEW YORK!
Dick: NEW YORK, LET'S TAKE

OH, NEW YORK!
Dick: NEW YORK, LET'S TAKE
A LOOK... THAT'S RIGHT!

Dick: NEW YORK, LET'S TAKE
A LOOK... THAT'S RIGHT!
[LINDA SCREAMS]

A LOOK... THAT'S RIGHT!
[LINDA SCREAMS]
CONGRATULATIONS, LINDA.

[LINDA SCREAMS]
CONGRATULATIONS, LINDA.
AS YOU KNOW, YOU'VE WON THE

CONGRATULATIONS, LINDA.
AS YOU KNOW, YOU'VE WON THE
RIGHT TO TAKE A SHOT AT

AS YOU KNOW, YOU'VE WON THE
RIGHT TO TAKE A SHOT AT
THE FIRST SHOWCASE.

RIGHT TO TAKE A SHOT AT
THE FIRST SHOWCASE.
OKAY... OUCH.

THE FIRST SHOWCASE.
OKAY... OUCH.
ARE YOU FEELING LUCKY?

OKAY... OUCH.
ARE YOU FEELING LUCKY?
WELL, UH, USUALLY I'M

ARE YOU FEELING LUCKY?
WELL, UH, USUALLY I'M
NOT LUCKY AT ALL, BUT TONIGHT...

WELL, UH, USUALLY I'M
NOT LUCKY AT ALL, BUT TONIGHT...
WELL, LET'S FIND OUT

NOT LUCKY AT ALL, BUT TONIGHT...
WELL, LET'S FIND OUT
HOW LUCKY YOU ARE.

WELL, LET'S FIND OUT
HOW LUCKY YOU ARE.
ALL RIGHT, GIRLS.

NOW, LINDA, THIS IS WHAT
WE CALL THE POT OF GOLD.
COME ON OVER HERE.

WE CALL THE POT OF GOLD.
COME ON OVER HERE.
THANK YOU CAROL,

COME ON OVER HERE.
THANK YOU CAROL,
THANK YOU JANICE.

THANK YOU CAROL,
THANK YOU JANICE.
IT'S FILLED WITH COINS.

THANK YOU JANICE.
IT'S FILLED WITH COINS.
LITERALLY THOUSANDS OF COINS.

IT'S FILLED WITH COINS.
LITERALLY THOUSANDS OF COINS.
AND THEY'RE ALL EXACTLY

LITERALLY THOUSANDS OF COINS.
AND THEY'RE ALL EXACTLY
THE SAME.

AND THEY'RE ALL EXACTLY
THE SAME.
I WANT YOU TO LOOK AT THEM.

THE SAME.
I WANT YOU TO LOOK AT THEM.
EACH ONE OF THESE HAS THE WORDS

I WANT YOU TO LOOK AT THEM.
EACH ONE OF THESE HAS THE WORDS
"POT OF GOLD" WRITTEN ON IT.

EACH ONE OF THESE HAS THE WORDS
"POT OF GOLD" WRITTEN ON IT.
DON'T TOUCH THEM THAT MUCH.

"POT OF GOLD" WRITTEN ON IT.
DON'T TOUCH THEM THAT MUCH.
OH, SORRY.

DON'T TOUCH THEM THAT MUCH.
OH, SORRY.
NOW, WHAT I'M GONNA DO IS

OH, SORRY.
NOW, WHAT I'M GONNA DO IS
DROP THIS COIN INTO THE POT.

NOW, WHAT I'M GONNA DO IS
DROP THIS COIN INTO THE POT.
AS YOU CAN SEE, IT LOOKS THE

DROP THIS COIN INTO THE POT.
AS YOU CAN SEE, IT LOOKS THE
SAME BUT IT READS "SHOWCASE".

AS YOU CAN SEE, IT LOOKS THE
SAME BUT IT READS "SHOWCASE".
OKAY?

SAME BUT IT READS "SHOWCASE".
OKAY?
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO, LINDA,

OKAY?
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO, LINDA,
IS PICK OUT THIS COIN

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO, LINDA,
IS PICK OUT THIS COIN
AND ALL OF THESE PRIZES

IS PICK OUT THIS COIN
AND ALL OF THESE PRIZES
ARE YOURS, OKAY?

AND ALL OF THESE PRIZES
ARE YOURS, OKAY?
ANY QUESTIONS?

ARE YOURS, OKAY?
ANY QUESTIONS?
NO, I GUESS...

ANY QUESTIONS?
NO, I GUESS...
GOOD, THEN JUST TURN AROUND

NO, I GUESS...
GOOD, THEN JUST TURN AROUND
BRIEFLY AND I'LL DROP IT

GOOD, THEN JUST TURN AROUND
BRIEFLY AND I'LL DROP IT
IN THE POT.

BRIEFLY AND I'LL DROP IT
IN THE POT.
GO AHEAD.

IN THE POT.
GO AHEAD.
[LAUGHTER]

GO AHEAD.
[LAUGHTER]
OKAY.

[LAUGHTER]
OKAY.
REACH IN THERE AND GOOD LUCK.

OKAY.
REACH IN THERE AND GOOD LUCK.
SHE'S GOING FOR A COIN,

REACH IN THERE AND GOOD LUCK.
SHE'S GOING FOR A COIN,
SHE'S GOT A COIN,

SHE'S GOING FOR A COIN,
SHE'S GOT A COIN,
SHE'S HANDING ME THE COIN,

SHE'S GOT A COIN,
SHE'S HANDING ME THE COIN,
LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE COIN,

SHE'S HANDING ME THE COIN,
LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE COIN,
WHICH ONE WILL IT BE?

LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE COIN,
WHICH ONE WILL IT BE?
LINDA, IT'S NOT THE SHOWCASE

WHICH ONE WILL IT BE?
LINDA, IT'S NOT THE SHOWCASE
COIN, I'M SORRY.

LINDA, IT'S NOT THE SHOWCASE
COIN, I'M SORRY.
THAT'S TOO BAD, LINDA,

COIN, I'M SORRY.
THAT'S TOO BAD, LINDA,
BUT NEXT ROUND THERE'S A LOT

THAT'S TOO BAD, LINDA,
BUT NEXT ROUND THERE'S A LOT
MORE TO DO AND THERE'S GONNA BE

BUT NEXT ROUND THERE'S A LOT
MORE TO DO AND THERE'S GONNA BE
A LOT MORE FUN, ISN'T THERE,

MORE TO DO AND THERE'S GONNA BE
A LOT MORE FUN, ISN'T THERE,
DON PARDO.

A LOT MORE FUN, ISN'T THERE,
DON PARDO.
HOW 'BOUT TELLING US

DON PARDO.
HOW 'BOUT TELLING US
ABOUT IT, GO AHEAD.

HOW 'BOUT TELLING US
ABOUT IT, GO AHEAD.
Don: RIGHT YOU ARE, DICK!

ABOUT IT, GO AHEAD.
Don: RIGHT YOU ARE, DICK!
IN ADDITION TO THE PRIZES

Don: RIGHT YOU ARE, DICK!
IN ADDITION TO THE PRIZES
FROM THE FIRST SHOWCASE:

IN ADDITION TO THE PRIZES
FROM THE FIRST SHOWCASE:
THE CRUISE, THE MONEY,

FROM THE FIRST SHOWCASE:
THE CRUISE, THE MONEY,
THE CAR, AND THE GUM,

THE CRUISE, THE MONEY,
THE CAR, AND THE GUM,
WE'RE ADDING DIAMONDS AND FURS!

THE CAR, AND THE GUM,
WE'RE ADDING DIAMONDS AND FURS!
JANICE LOOKS LIKE SHE'S READY

WE'RE ADDING DIAMONDS AND FURS!
JANICE LOOKS LIKE SHE'S READY
FOR WINTER AND YOU'LL BE TOO

JANICE LOOKS LIKE SHE'S READY
FOR WINTER AND YOU'LL BE TOO
IN THIS FULL LENGTH FOX SKIN

FOR WINTER AND YOU'LL BE TOO
IN THIS FULL LENGTH FOX SKIN
FROM CARAVELLE.

IN THIS FULL LENGTH FOX SKIN
FROM CARAVELLE.
CAROL LOOKS LIKE SHE'S READY FOR

FROM CARAVELLE.
CAROL LOOKS LIKE SHE'S READY FOR
ANYTHING, COVERED IN DIAMONDS...

CAROL LOOKS LIKE SHE'S READY FOR
ANYTHING, COVERED IN DIAMONDS...
DOZENS OF THEM!

ANYTHING, COVERED IN DIAMONDS...
DOZENS OF THEM!
THE SMALLEST DIAMOND ALONE

DOZENS OF THEM!
THE SMALLEST DIAMOND ALONE
IS WORTH MORE THAN $5,000.

THE SMALLEST DIAMOND ALONE
IS WORTH MORE THAN $5,000.
TOTAL VALUE OF THE SHOWCASE:

IS WORTH MORE THAN $5,000.
TOTAL VALUE OF THE SHOWCASE:
$619,875.14.

TOTAL VALUE OF THE SHOWCASE:
$619,875.14.
RICHARD?

$619,875.14.
RICHARD?
WELL, THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE

RICHARD?
WELL, THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE
PLAYING FOR AND WE'RE GONNA BE

WELL, THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE
PLAYING FOR AND WE'RE GONNA BE
IN THE SECOND ROUND.

PLAYING FOR AND WE'RE GONNA BE
IN THE SECOND ROUND.
THAT'S A LOT OF MONEY.

IN THE SECOND ROUND.
THAT'S A LOT OF MONEY.
READY?

THAT'S A LOT OF MONEY.
READY?
I'VE GOT THE QUESTION HERE.

OKAY, HERE WE ARE.
READY?
LISTEN CAREFULLY.

READY?
LISTEN CAREFULLY.
"GOOD DAY FOR DUCKS" IS A

LISTEN CAREFULLY.
"GOOD DAY FOR DUCKS" IS A
COMMON EXPRESSION ABOUT

"GOOD DAY FOR DUCKS" IS A
COMMON EXPRESSION ABOUT
CERTAIN WEATHER CONDITIONS.

COMMON EXPRESSION ABOUT
CERTAIN WEATHER CONDITIONS.
WHAT KIND OF WEATHER

CERTAIN WEATHER CONDITIONS.
WHAT KIND OF WEATHER
CONDITIONS...

WHAT KIND OF WEATHER
CONDITIONS...
[BUZZING]

CONDITIONS...
[BUZZING]
UH-OH, I BELIEVE THAT WAS WOODY.

[BUZZING]
UH-OH, I BELIEVE THAT WAS WOODY.
IT HAS TO BE RAIN.

UH-OH, I BELIEVE THAT WAS WOODY.
IT HAS TO BE RAIN.
Dick: RAIN?

IT HAS TO BE RAIN.
Dick: RAIN?
YOU'RE SAYING RAIN.

Dick: RAIN?
YOU'RE SAYING RAIN.
[LAUGHS] THAT'S RIGHT!

YOU'RE SAYING RAIN.
[LAUGHS] THAT'S RIGHT!
THAT'S RIGHT!

[LAUGHS] THAT'S RIGHT!
THAT'S RIGHT!
[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

THAT'S RIGHT!
[AUDIENCE CHEERS]
YOU'RE THE FIRST TO KNOW

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]
YOU'RE THE FIRST TO KNOW
THE RIGHT ANSWER.

YOU'RE THE FIRST TO KNOW
THE RIGHT ANSWER.
OKAY, OKAY, YOU'RE THE FIRST

THE RIGHT ANSWER.
OKAY, OKAY, YOU'RE THE FIRST
TO KNOW THE RIGHT ANSWER.

OKAY, OKAY, YOU'RE THE FIRST
TO KNOW THE RIGHT ANSWER.
BET YOU KNEW IT BEFORE YOU KNEW

TO KNOW THE RIGHT ANSWER.
BET YOU KNEW IT BEFORE YOU KNEW
IT BUT I THINK YOU'RE GONNA

BET YOU KNEW IT BEFORE YOU KNEW
IT BUT I THINK YOU'RE GONNA
LIKE WHAT WE HAVE HERE.

IT BUT I THINK YOU'RE GONNA
LIKE WHAT WE HAVE HERE.
GIRLS, LET'S BRING OUT THAT

LIKE WHAT WE HAVE HERE.
GIRLS, LET'S BRING OUT THAT
WHEEL OF FORTUNE.

GIRLS, LET'S BRING OUT THAT
WHEEL OF FORTUNE.
[♪...]

WHEEL OF FORTUNE.
[♪...]
THAT'S RIGHT, THE WHEEL

[♪...]
THAT'S RIGHT, THE WHEEL
OF FORTUNE.

THAT'S RIGHT, THE WHEEL
OF FORTUNE.
COME ON DOWN HERE.

OF FORTUNE.
COME ON DOWN HERE.
LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT IT.

COME ON DOWN HERE.
LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT IT.
THANK YOU, GIRLS.

LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT IT.
THANK YOU, GIRLS.
YOU SEEM KINDA NERVOUS.

THANK YOU, GIRLS.
YOU SEEM KINDA NERVOUS.
HOW YA FEELING?

YOU SEEM KINDA NERVOUS.
HOW YA FEELING?
KINDA QUIET.

HOW YA FEELING?
KINDA QUIET.
I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE

KINDA QUIET.
I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE
THAT I'M HERE.

I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE
THAT I'M HERE.
I'VE NEVER BEEN ON

THAT I'M HERE.
I'VE NEVER BEEN ON
TELEVISION BEFORE.

I'VE NEVER BEEN ON
TELEVISION BEFORE.
WELL, JUST RELAX.

TELEVISION BEFORE.
WELL, JUST RELAX.
YOU MIGHT BE IN PARIS SOON

WELL, JUST RELAX.
YOU MIGHT BE IN PARIS SOON
IF YOU GET LUCKY AND BEAT

YOU MIGHT BE IN PARIS SOON
IF YOU GET LUCKY AND BEAT
THE WHEEL OF FORTUNE.

IF YOU GET LUCKY AND BEAT
THE WHEEL OF FORTUNE.
AND HERE'S HOW THE WHEEL OF

THE WHEEL OF FORTUNE.
AND HERE'S HOW THE WHEEL OF
FORTUNE WORKS, WOODY.

AND HERE'S HOW THE WHEEL OF
FORTUNE WORKS, WOODY.
I'M GONNA SPIN THE WHEEL OF

FORTUNE WORKS, WOODY.
I'M GONNA SPIN THE WHEEL OF
FORTUNE THIS WAY.

I'M GONNA SPIN THE WHEEL OF
FORTUNE THIS WAY.
ONCE I SPIN IT, YOU SPEND

FORTUNE THIS WAY.
ONCE I SPIN IT, YOU SPEND
ALL MY MONEY.

ONCE I SPIN IT, YOU SPEND
ALL MY MONEY.
NOW, I'M JUST KIDDING, WOODY.

ALL MY MONEY.
NOW, I'M JUST KIDDING, WOODY.
I WANNA LOOSEN YOU UP A

NOW, I'M JUST KIDDING, WOODY.
I WANNA LOOSEN YOU UP A
LITTLE BIT AND RELAX YOU.

I WANNA LOOSEN YOU UP A
LITTLE BIT AND RELAX YOU.
I'M A WRECK.

LITTLE BIT AND RELAX YOU.
I'M A WRECK.
I KNOW YOU'RE A WRECK.

I'M A WRECK.
I KNOW YOU'RE A WRECK.
I WANT YOU TO PICK A NUMBER,

I KNOW YOU'RE A WRECK.
I WANT YOU TO PICK A NUMBER,
ANY NUMBER BETWEEN...

I WANT YOU TO PICK A NUMBER,
ANY NUMBER BETWEEN...
YOU'RE A LITTLE JUMPY...

ANY NUMBER BETWEEN...
YOU'RE A LITTLE JUMPY...
CUT IT OUT.

YOU'RE A LITTLE JUMPY...
CUT IT OUT.
PICK A NUMBER BETWEEN

CUT IT OUT.
PICK A NUMBER BETWEEN
1 AND 15... HUNDRED.

PICK A NUMBER BETWEEN
1 AND 15... HUNDRED.
[LAUGHTER]

1 AND 15... HUNDRED.
[LAUGHTER]
GO AHEAD, ANY NUMBER.

[LAUGHTER]
GO AHEAD, ANY NUMBER.
HOW 'BOUT OLD LUCKY 71.

GO AHEAD, ANY NUMBER.
HOW 'BOUT OLD LUCKY 71.
71, I'M GONNA LOCK THAT

HOW 'BOUT OLD LUCKY 71.
71, I'M GONNA LOCK THAT
IN FOR YOU.

71, I'M GONNA LOCK THAT
IN FOR YOU.
71.

IN FOR YOU.
71.
SPIN THE WHEEL AND GOOD LUCK.

71.
SPIN THE WHEEL AND GOOD LUCK.
[LAUGHTER]

SPIN THE WHEEL AND GOOD LUCK.
[LAUGHTER]
SPIN IT GOOD AND HARD.

[LAUGHTER]
SPIN IT GOOD AND HARD.
GIVE IT A GOOD SPIN, OKAY?

SPIN IT GOOD AND HARD.
GIVE IT A GOOD SPIN, OKAY?
THERE SHE IS, COME ON, MOVE IT.

GIVE IT A GOOD SPIN, OKAY?
THERE SHE IS, COME ON, MOVE IT.
OH, YEAH.

THERE SHE IS, COME ON, MOVE IT.
OH, YEAH.
71, 71, 71...

OH, YEAH.
71, 71, 71...
LOOKIN' FOR 71

71, 71, 71...
LOOKIN' FOR 71
YOU GOT 1445.

LOOKIN' FOR 71
YOU GOT 1445.
THAT'S A DARN SHAME

YOU GOT 1445.
THAT'S A DARN SHAME
BUT YOU'RE STILL NOT OUT YET.

THAT'S A DARN SHAME
BUT YOU'RE STILL NOT OUT YET.
THERE'S STILL A THIRD ROUND.

BUT YOU'RE STILL NOT OUT YET.
THERE'S STILL A THIRD ROUND.
THERE'S STILL A THIRD ROUND.

THERE'S STILL A THIRD ROUND.
THERE'S STILL A THIRD ROUND.
WHY DON'T YOU TELL US

THERE'S STILL A THIRD ROUND.
WHY DON'T YOU TELL US
ABOUT THAT SHOWCASE.

WHY DON'T YOU TELL US
ABOUT THAT SHOWCASE.
Don: IT'S THE BIGGEST,

ABOUT THAT SHOWCASE.
Don: IT'S THE BIGGEST,
BY FAR, DICK!

Don: IT'S THE BIGGEST,
BY FAR, DICK!
THIS TIME IN ADDITION TO

BY FAR, DICK!
THIS TIME IN ADDITION TO
THE OTHER PRIZES:

THIS TIME IN ADDITION TO
THE OTHER PRIZES:
THE FUR COAT, THE DIAMONDS,

THE OTHER PRIZES:
THE FUR COAT, THE DIAMONDS,
THE CRUISE, THE CASH, THE CAR,

THE FUR COAT, THE DIAMONDS,
THE CRUISE, THE CASH, THE CAR,
AND THE GUM, ADD A PRICELESS

THE CRUISE, THE CASH, THE CAR,
AND THE GUM, ADD A PRICELESS
OIL PAINTING BY RENOIR.

AND THE GUM, ADD A PRICELESS
OIL PAINTING BY RENOIR.
IT'S AN ORIGINAL BY THE

OIL PAINTING BY RENOIR.
IT'S AN ORIGINAL BY THE
GREAT FRENCH MASTER AND

IT'S AN ORIGINAL BY THE
GREAT FRENCH MASTER AND
EVEN THOUGH IT'LL INCREASE

GREAT FRENCH MASTER AND
EVEN THOUGH IT'LL INCREASE
IN VALUE YEAR AFTER YEAR,

EVEN THOUGH IT'LL INCREASE
IN VALUE YEAR AFTER YEAR,
RIGHT NOW ITS WORTH HAS BEEN

IN VALUE YEAR AFTER YEAR,
RIGHT NOW ITS WORTH HAS BEEN
APPRAISED AT $450,000,

RIGHT NOW ITS WORTH HAS BEEN
APPRAISED AT $450,000,
BRINGING THE TOTAL VALUE

APPRAISED AT $450,000,
BRINGING THE TOTAL VALUE
OF THE SHOWCASE TO:

BRINGING THE TOTAL VALUE
OF THE SHOWCASE TO:
$1,069,875.14.

OF THE SHOWCASE TO:
$1,069,875.14.
DICK!

$1,069,875.14.
DICK!
WELL, THAT'S OVER 1 MILLION

DICK!
WELL, THAT'S OVER 1 MILLION
DOLLARS, PLAYERS AND EVEN AFTER

WELL, THAT'S OVER 1 MILLION
DOLLARS, PLAYERS AND EVEN AFTER
UNCLE SAM TAKES HIS CUT,

DOLLARS, PLAYERS AND EVEN AFTER
UNCLE SAM TAKES HIS CUT,
THAT'S NOT TOO SHABBY.

UNCLE SAM TAKES HIS CUT,
THAT'S NOT TOO SHABBY.
BUT FIRST, OF COURSE WE HAVE

THAT'S NOT TOO SHABBY.
BUT FIRST, OF COURSE WE HAVE
TO ANSWER THE TOSS UP QUESTION

BUT FIRST, OF COURSE WE HAVE
TO ANSWER THE TOSS UP QUESTION
AND HERE IT IS.

TO ANSWER THE TOSS UP QUESTION
AND HERE IT IS.
PAY ATTENTION.

AND HERE IT IS.
PAY ATTENTION.
MANY PEOPLE FOR DIETARY REASONS

PAY ATTENTION.
MANY PEOPLE FOR DIETARY REASONS
USE A SUBSTITUTE FOR BUTTER.

MANY PEOPLE FOR DIETARY REASONS
USE A SUBSTITUTE FOR BUTTER.
OFTEN THEY SUBSTITUTE WILL

USE A SUBSTITUTE FOR BUTTER.
OFTEN THEY SUBSTITUTE WILL
BE MADE FROM CORN OR VEGETABLE.

OFTEN THEY SUBSTITUTE WILL
BE MADE FROM CORN OR VEGETABLE.
AH, AH, AH, IT'S MARGARINE.

BE MADE FROM CORN OR VEGETABLE.
AH, AH, AH, IT'S MARGARINE.
Dick: HAYWOOD, YOU WERE FIRST

AH, AH, AH, IT'S MARGARINE.
Dick: HAYWOOD, YOU WERE FIRST
AND MARGARINE IS RIGHT!

Dick: HAYWOOD, YOU WERE FIRST
AND MARGARINE IS RIGHT!
I BET YOU KNEW IT BEFORE.

AND MARGARINE IS RIGHT!
I BET YOU KNEW IT BEFORE.
YOU MUST BE A PSYCHIC,

I BET YOU KNEW IT BEFORE.
YOU MUST BE A PSYCHIC,
OR SOMETHING.

YOU MUST BE A PSYCHIC,
OR SOMETHING.
YOU KNEW THE ANSWER, DIDN'T YA?

OR SOMETHING.
YOU KNEW THE ANSWER, DIDN'T YA?
YOU'RE A CRAZY GUY.

YOU KNEW THE ANSWER, DIDN'T YA?
YOU'RE A CRAZY GUY.
LET'S SEE HOW YOUR LUCK

YOU'RE A CRAZY GUY.
LET'S SEE HOW YOUR LUCK
HOLDS OUT.

LET'S SEE HOW YOUR LUCK
HOLDS OUT.
WE'RE GONNA BRING OUT THE

HOLDS OUT.
WE'RE GONNA BRING OUT THE
MYSTERY BOOTH.

WE'RE GONNA BRING OUT THE
MYSTERY BOOTH.
CAROL, JANICE, LET'S JUST

MYSTERY BOOTH.
CAROL, JANICE, LET'S JUST
BRING OUT THE BOOTH.

CAROL, JANICE, LET'S JUST
BRING OUT THE BOOTH.
I THINK YOU'RE GONNA LIKE THIS.

BRING OUT THE BOOTH.
I THINK YOU'RE GONNA LIKE THIS.
I THINK EVERYBODY'S

I THINK YOU'RE GONNA LIKE THIS.
I THINK EVERYBODY'S
GONNA LIKE THIS.

I THINK EVERYBODY'S
GONNA LIKE THIS.
COME ON OVER HERE.

GONNA LIKE THIS.
COME ON OVER HERE.
OKAY, JAMES.

COME ON OVER HERE.
OKAY, JAMES.
NOW, SINCE THIS IS THE LAST

OKAY, JAMES.
NOW, SINCE THIS IS THE LAST
ROUND, YOU'RE PLAYING FOR

NOW, SINCE THIS IS THE LAST
ROUND, YOU'RE PLAYING FOR
THE BIG SHOWCASE.

ROUND, YOU'RE PLAYING FOR
THE BIG SHOWCASE.
WE'RE GONNA GIVE YOU 15 SECONDS

THE BIG SHOWCASE.
WE'RE GONNA GIVE YOU 15 SECONDS
TO THINK IT OVER.

WE'RE GONNA GIVE YOU 15 SECONDS
TO THINK IT OVER.
WHAT YOU'VE GOT TO THINK ABOUT

TO THINK IT OVER.
WHAT YOU'VE GOT TO THINK ABOUT
OF COURSE IS WHO'S IN THE BOOTH.

WHAT YOU'VE GOT TO THINK ABOUT
OF COURSE IS WHO'S IN THE BOOTH.
[LAUGHTER]

OF COURSE IS WHO'S IN THE BOOTH.
[LAUGHTER]
IT'S SOMEBODY FAMOUS.

[LAUGHTER]
IT'S SOMEBODY FAMOUS.
IT'S SOMEBODY THE T.V.

IT'S SOMEBODY FAMOUS.
IT'S SOMEBODY THE T.V.
AUDIENCE WILL RECOGNIZE.

IT'S SOMEBODY THE T.V.
AUDIENCE WILL RECOGNIZE.
OKAY, IT'S EASY.

AUDIENCE WILL RECOGNIZE.
OKAY, IT'S EASY.
READY?

OKAY, IT'S EASY.
READY?
GO.

READY?
GO.
YOU GOT 15 SECONDS.

GO.
YOU GOT 15 SECONDS.
15 SECONDS, GO AHEAD.

YOU GOT 15 SECONDS.
15 SECONDS, GO AHEAD.
ANYTIME YOU WANNA START,

15 SECONDS, GO AHEAD.
ANYTIME YOU WANNA START,
WE'LL START THE CLOCK.

ANYTIME YOU WANNA START,
WE'LL START THE CLOCK.
UH... UM... WELL, JESUS, MAN,

WE'LL START THE CLOCK.
UH... UM... WELL, JESUS, MAN,
IT COULD BE ANYONE, YOU KNOW.

UH... UM... WELL, JESUS, MAN,
IT COULD BE ANYONE, YOU KNOW.
Dick: TIMES UP, HAYWOOD.

IT COULD BE ANYONE, YOU KNOW.
Dick: TIMES UP, HAYWOOD.
WHO DO YOU THINK'S IN THERE?

Dick: TIMES UP, HAYWOOD.
WHO DO YOU THINK'S IN THERE?
OKAY, OKAY, NOW.

WHO DO YOU THINK'S IN THERE?
OKAY, OKAY, NOW.
WELL, ALL RIGHT, MAN,

OKAY, OKAY, NOW.
WELL, ALL RIGHT, MAN,
WHAT THE HELL, YOU KNOW,

WELL, ALL RIGHT, MAN,
WHAT THE HELL, YOU KNOW,
JANE FONDA.

WHAT THE HELL, YOU KNOW,
JANE FONDA.
IT COULD BE SOMEBODY

JANE FONDA.
IT COULD BE SOMEBODY
WHO'S FAMOUS... ANYBODY.

IT COULD BE SOMEBODY
WHO'S FAMOUS... ANYBODY.
GIVE IT A SHOT.

WHO'S FAMOUS... ANYBODY.
GIVE IT A SHOT.
WHO'D YOU SAY?

GIVE IT A SHOT.
WHO'D YOU SAY?
I THOUGHT I HEARD YOU SAY

WHO'D YOU SAY?
I THOUGHT I HEARD YOU SAY
SOMETHING...

I THOUGHT I HEARD YOU SAY
SOMETHING...
I SAID JANE FONDA.

SOMETHING...
I SAID JANE FONDA.
HAYWOOD SAYS IT'S JANE FONDA.

I SAID JANE FONDA.
HAYWOOD SAYS IT'S JANE FONDA.
IF HE'S RIGHT, AND IT IS

HAYWOOD SAYS IT'S JANE FONDA.
IF HE'S RIGHT, AND IT IS
JANE FONDA, ALL OF THOSE PRIZES

IF HE'S RIGHT, AND IT IS
JANE FONDA, ALL OF THOSE PRIZES
ARE GONNA BE HIS.

JANE FONDA, ALL OF THOSE PRIZES
ARE GONNA BE HIS.
CAROL, I'M GONNA ASK YOU

ARE GONNA BE HIS.
CAROL, I'M GONNA ASK YOU
TO PULL THE SECRET STRING.

UH-OH, IT'S BERT CONVY.
I'M SORRY, HAYWOOD.

I'M SORRY, HAYWOOD.
AS YOU CAN SEE, THE PERSON IN

AS YOU CAN SEE, THE PERSON IN
THE BOOTH WAS NOT JANE FONDA,

THE BOOTH WAS NOT JANE FONDA,
IT WAS BERT CONVY.
BERT, THANK YOU FOR COMING

IT WAS BERT CONVY.
BERT, THANK YOU FOR COMING
TO PLAY "YOU CAN'T WIN".

BERT, THANK YOU FOR COMING
TO PLAY "YOU CAN'T WIN".
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING

TO PLAY "YOU CAN'T WIN".
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING
OUR MYSTERY GUEST.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING
OUR MYSTERY GUEST.
I MIGHT'VE GUESSED JANE FONDA

OUR MYSTERY GUEST.
I MIGHT'VE GUESSED JANE FONDA
MYSELF.

I MIGHT'VE GUESSED JANE FONDA
MYSELF.
YEAH, I WISH I WAS

MYSELF.
YEAH, I WISH I WAS
JANE FONDA NOW.

YEAH, I WISH I WAS
JANE FONDA NOW.
SO DOES SHE.

JANE FONDA NOW.
SO DOES SHE.
YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT.

SO DOES SHE.
YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT.
I THINK WE'RE ALL ALMOST

YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT.
I THINK WE'RE ALL ALMOST
OUT OF TIME... IN OUR LIVES

I THINK WE'RE ALL ALMOST
OUT OF TIME... IN OUR LIVES
AND IT'S KINDA TOO BAD BECAUSE

OUT OF TIME... IN OUR LIVES
AND IT'S KINDA TOO BAD BECAUSE
NO ONE WON THE SHOWCASE TONIGHT.

AND IT'S KINDA TOO BAD BECAUSE
NO ONE WON THE SHOWCASE TONIGHT.
TAKE BERT OFF, WOULD YOU PLEASE?

NO ONE WON THE SHOWCASE TONIGHT.
TAKE BERT OFF, WOULD YOU PLEASE?
THAT'S RIGHT, WE'RE GONNA

TAKE BERT OFF, WOULD YOU PLEASE?
THAT'S RIGHT, WE'RE GONNA
GIVE YOU SOME PRIZES.

THAT'S RIGHT, WE'RE GONNA
GIVE YOU SOME PRIZES.
WE'RE GONNA BE BACK,

GIVE YOU SOME PRIZES.
WE'RE GONNA BE BACK,
BUT I WANNA TELL YOU SOMETHING.

WE'RE GONNA BE BACK,
BUT I WANNA TELL YOU SOMETHING.
NOT EVERYBODY CAN WIN AND

BUT I WANNA TELL YOU SOMETHING.
NOT EVERYBODY CAN WIN AND
YOU KNOW WHAT EVERYONE SAYS

NOT EVERYBODY CAN WIN AND
YOU KNOW WHAT EVERYONE SAYS
NOW AND AGAIN, IF YOU WIN

YOU KNOW WHAT EVERYONE SAYS
NOW AND AGAIN, IF YOU WIN
ALL THE TIME, YOU'RE A SAD FELLA

NOW AND AGAIN, IF YOU WIN
ALL THE TIME, YOU'RE A SAD FELLA
AND YOU'RE MISSING THE FUN.

ALL THE TIME, YOU'RE A SAD FELLA
AND YOU'RE MISSING THE FUN.
AND THE FUN STARTS UP AGAIN

AND YOU'RE MISSING THE FUN.
AND THE FUN STARTS UP AGAIN
NEXT WEEK ON "YOU CAN'T WIN".

AND THE FUN STARTS UP AGAIN
NEXT WEEK ON "YOU CAN'T WIN".
"YOU CAN'T WIN"!

NEXT WEEK ON "YOU CAN'T WIN".
"YOU CAN'T WIN"!
[♪...]

"YOU CAN'T WIN"!
[♪...]
Don: PRODUCTS MENTIONED

[♪...]
Don: PRODUCTS MENTIONED
IN EXCHANGE FOR PROMOTIONAL

Don: PRODUCTS MENTIONED
IN EXCHANGE FOR PROMOTIONAL
CONSIDERATION OF THOSE PRODUCTS

IN EXCHANGE FOR PROMOTIONAL
CONSIDERATION OF THOSE PRODUCTS
HAS BEEN PROVIDED IN EXCHANGE

CONSIDERATION OF THOSE PRODUCTS
HAS BEEN PROVIDED IN EXCHANGE
FOR PROMOTIONAL CONSIDERATION.

HAS BEEN PROVIDED IN EXCHANGE
FOR PROMOTIONAL CONSIDERATION.
THIS IS DON PARDO SPEAKING.

FOR PROMOTIONAL CONSIDERATION.
THIS IS DON PARDO SPEAKING.
[♪..., APPLAUSE]

[♪...]

THE NAME IS MR. BLACKWELL,
THE SHOW IS SPEAKING OF FASHION
AND OTHER THINGS.

THE SHOW IS SPEAKING OF FASHION
AND OTHER THINGS.
THE OTHER THINGS WE DON'T HAVE

AND OTHER THINGS.
THE OTHER THINGS WE DON'T HAVE
TO BOTHER ABOUT TONIGHT.

THE OTHER THINGS WE DON'T HAVE
TO BOTHER ABOUT TONIGHT.
I AM IN SUCH TROUBLE OVER MY

TO BOTHER ABOUT TONIGHT.
I AM IN SUCH TROUBLE OVER MY
LIST... YOU KNOW I DO THE WORST

I AM IN SUCH TROUBLE OVER MY
LIST... YOU KNOW I DO THE WORST
DRESSED LIST EVERY YEAR.

LIST... YOU KNOW I DO THE WORST
DRESSED LIST EVERY YEAR.
I PUT JANE PAULEY ON THE LIST,

DRESSED LIST EVERY YEAR.
I PUT JANE PAULEY ON THE LIST,
YOU KNOW THIS, AND I SAID

I PUT JANE PAULEY ON THE LIST,
YOU KNOW THIS, AND I SAID
SHE COULDN'T WAIT, SHE LOOKED

YOU KNOW THIS, AND I SAID
SHE COULDN'T WAIT, SHE LOOKED
LIKE SHE COULDN'T WAIT

SHE COULDN'T WAIT, SHE LOOKED
LIKE SHE COULDN'T WAIT
TO GET INTO MATERNITY CLOTHES.

LIKE SHE COULDN'T WAIT
TO GET INTO MATERNITY CLOTHES.
I SAID THIS, I PUT HER ON MY

TO GET INTO MATERNITY CLOTHES.
I SAID THIS, I PUT HER ON MY
LIST AND HER PRESS AGENT SAID,

I SAID THIS, I PUT HER ON MY
LIST AND HER PRESS AGENT SAID,
"MR. BLACKWELL ARE THE ONLY

LIST AND HER PRESS AGENT SAID,
"MR. BLACKWELL ARE THE ONLY
DESIGNS SHE WEARS, SHE WEARS

"MR. BLACKWELL ARE THE ONLY
DESIGNS SHE WEARS, SHE WEARS
ONLY MR. BLACKWELL DESIGNS."

DESIGNS SHE WEARS, SHE WEARS
ONLY MR. BLACKWELL DESIGNS."
I MEAN, I DON'T EVEN DO

ONLY MR. BLACKWELL DESIGNS."
I MEAN, I DON'T EVEN DO
CAREER WEAR.

I MEAN, I DON'T EVEN DO
CAREER WEAR.
ISN'T THAT SOMETHING?

CAREER WEAR.
ISN'T THAT SOMETHING?
I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

ISN'T THAT SOMETHING?
I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
WE HAVE A GUEST IN THE STUDIO.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
WE HAVE A GUEST IN THE STUDIO.
HE'S GOING TO BE SUCH GOOD FUN.

WE HAVE A GUEST IN THE STUDIO.
HE'S GOING TO BE SUCH GOOD FUN.
HE IS HERE TO TALK ABOUT

HE'S GOING TO BE SUCH GOOD FUN.
HE IS HERE TO TALK ABOUT
A NEW LINE OF CLOTHES

HE IS HERE TO TALK ABOUT
A NEW LINE OF CLOTHES
THAT HE HAS DESIGNED,

A NEW LINE OF CLOTHES
THAT HE HAS DESIGNED,
WHICH IT SAYS HERE IT'S DESIGNED

THAT HE HAS DESIGNED,
WHICH IT SAYS HERE IT'S DESIGNED
WITH A CALIFORNIA FLAIR.

WHICH IT SAYS HERE IT'S DESIGNED
WITH A CALIFORNIA FLAIR.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

WITH A CALIFORNIA FLAIR.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.
CHEVY CHASE,

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.
CHEVY CHASE,
WELCOME TO THE SHOW.

CHEVY CHASE,
WELCOME TO THE SHOW.
WHAT IS A CALIFORNIA FLAIR?

WELCOME TO THE SHOW.
WHAT IS A CALIFORNIA FLAIR?
[APPLAUSE]

WHAT IS A CALIFORNIA FLAIR?
[APPLAUSE]
HI, HOW ARE YOU?

[APPLAUSE]
HI, HOW ARE YOU?
WHICH, WHICH CAMERA?

HI, HOW ARE YOU?
WHICH, WHICH CAMERA?
WELL, WE'RE ON CABLE,

WHICH, WHICH CAMERA?
WELL, WE'RE ON CABLE,
WE HAVE TO SHARE THAT ONE.

WELL, WE'RE ON CABLE,
WE HAVE TO SHARE THAT ONE.
OKAY, JUST AN EYE CONTACT

WE HAVE TO SHARE THAT ONE.
OKAY, JUST AN EYE CONTACT
THING.

OKAY, JUST AN EYE CONTACT
THING.
I'M FINE.

THING.
I'M FINE.
HOW ARE YOU?

I'M FINE.
HOW ARE YOU?
I SAID I'M FINE.

HOW ARE YOU?
I SAID I'M FINE.
MY LEFT SHOE'S A LITTLE TIGHT.

I SAID I'M FINE.
MY LEFT SHOE'S A LITTLE TIGHT.
[BOTH LAUGH]

MY LEFT SHOE'S A LITTLE TIGHT.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Blackwell: I SAID WE WERE

[BOTH LAUGH]
Blackwell: I SAID WE WERE
GONNA HAVE FUN WITH THIS MAN

Blackwell: I SAID WE WERE
GONNA HAVE FUN WITH THIS MAN
AND WE ARE.

GONNA HAVE FUN WITH THIS MAN
AND WE ARE.
NO, YOU DIDN'T.

AND WE ARE.
NO, YOU DIDN'T.
WHAT IS THE FASHION CONCEPT

NO, YOU DIDN'T.
WHAT IS THE FASHION CONCEPT
BEHIND CHEVY CHASE CASUALS?

WHAT IS THE FASHION CONCEPT
BEHIND CHEVY CHASE CASUALS?
WHAT IS THE CALIFORNIA FLAIR?

BEHIND CHEVY CHASE CASUALS?
WHAT IS THE CALIFORNIA FLAIR?
THAT WOULD BE THE CALIFORNIA

WHAT IS THE CALIFORNIA FLAIR?
THAT WOULD BE THE CALIFORNIA
STATE FLARE THROWN UP NORTH

THAT WOULD BE THE CALIFORNIA
STATE FLARE THROWN UP NORTH
EVERY YEAR WITH THE WINES

STATE FLARE THROWN UP NORTH
EVERY YEAR WITH THE WINES
AND THE GOLD MEDALS.

EVERY YEAR WITH THE WINES
AND THE GOLD MEDALS.
Blackwell: YOU WERE DOING

AND THE GOLD MEDALS.
Blackwell: YOU WERE DOING
A CAMP ON ME, I KNOW IT.

Blackwell: YOU WERE DOING
A CAMP ON ME, I KNOW IT.
YOU WERE DOING A CAMP ON ME.

A CAMP ON ME, I KNOW IT.
YOU WERE DOING A CAMP ON ME.
NO, NO, NO, OF COURSE NOT.

YOU WERE DOING A CAMP ON ME.
NO, NO, NO, OF COURSE NOT.
OF COURSE I WASN'T.

NO, NO, NO, OF COURSE NOT.
OF COURSE I WASN'T.
I'M WORKING IN MOVIES NOW,

OF COURSE I WASN'T.
I'M WORKING IN MOVIES NOW,
AS YOU KNOW, RICHARD.

I'M WORKING IN MOVIES NOW,
AS YOU KNOW, RICHARD.
AND YOU SPEND A LOT OF TIME

AS YOU KNOW, RICHARD.
AND YOU SPEND A LOT OF TIME
ON MOVIE SETS JUST

AND YOU SPEND A LOT OF TIME
ON MOVIE SETS JUST
SITTING AROUND.

ON MOVIE SETS JUST
SITTING AROUND.
SOME ACTORS PLAY POKER,

SITTING AROUND.
SOME ACTORS PLAY POKER,
SOME PEOPLE READ,

SOME ACTORS PLAY POKER,
SOME PEOPLE READ,
SOME DO NEEDLEPOINT,

SOME PEOPLE READ,
SOME DO NEEDLEPOINT,
SOME EVEN JUST STUDY

SOME DO NEEDLEPOINT,
SOME EVEN JUST STUDY
THEIR LINES.

SOME EVEN JUST STUDY
THEIR LINES.
I STARTED SKETCHING SOME

THEIR LINES.
I STARTED SKETCHING SOME
OUTFITS, STUFF THAT, I GUESS YOU

I STARTED SKETCHING SOME
OUTFITS, STUFF THAT, I GUESS YOU
CAN GO TO THE BEACH IN,

OUTFITS, STUFF THAT, I GUESS YOU
CAN GO TO THE BEACH IN,
OR EVEN A NICE RESTAURANT.

CAN GO TO THE BEACH IN,
OR EVEN A NICE RESTAURANT.
A PARTY, ANYWHERE.

OR EVEN A NICE RESTAURANT.
A PARTY, ANYWHERE.
OFFICE TO PARTY.

A PARTY, ANYWHERE.
OFFICE TO PARTY.
UH-HUH, SO, YOU HAVE

OFFICE TO PARTY.
UH-HUH, SO, YOU HAVE
DESIGNED THESE CLOTHES...

UH-HUH, SO, YOU HAVE
DESIGNED THESE CLOTHES...
I DESIGNED, I FIRST...

DESIGNED THESE CLOTHES...
I DESIGNED, I FIRST...
YOU DROPPED YOUR MIC,

I DESIGNED, I FIRST...
YOU DROPPED YOUR MIC,
COULD YOU JUST PICK IT UP?

YOU DROPPED YOUR MIC,
COULD YOU JUST PICK IT UP?
WE'LL CARRY ALONG.

COULD YOU JUST PICK IT UP?
WE'LL CARRY ALONG.
OKAY, SO, YOU TOOK THESE

WE'LL CARRY ALONG.
OKAY, SO, YOU TOOK THESE
DESIGNS, WHAT DID YOU DO

OKAY, SO, YOU TOOK THESE
DESIGNS, WHAT DID YOU DO
WITH THEM THEN?

DESIGNS, WHAT DID YOU DO
WITH THEM THEN?
WELL, JAY LOFTON AND I...

WITH THEM THEN?
WELL, JAY LOFTON AND I...
JAY LOFTON AND I...

WELL, JAY LOFTON AND I...
JAY LOFTON AND I...
I THINK I CAN GET THIS.

JAY LOFTON AND I...
I THINK I CAN GET THIS.
HE'S DOWN AT THE FABRIC MART.

I THINK I CAN GET THIS.
HE'S DOWN AT THE FABRIC MART.
YES, HE IS.

HE'S DOWN AT THE FABRIC MART.
YES, HE IS.
DO YOU WORK WITH JAY?

YES, HE IS.
DO YOU WORK WITH JAY?
I GOT IT, NO, NO,

DO YOU WORK WITH JAY?
I GOT IT, NO, NO,
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

I GOT IT, NO, NO,
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
JAY IS A FABULOUS,

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
JAY IS A FABULOUS,
FABULOUS GENTLEMAN.

JAY IS A FABULOUS,
FABULOUS GENTLEMAN.
HE IS A TOTALLY TAILORED...

FABULOUS GENTLEMAN.
HE IS A TOTALLY TAILORED...
WAIT A MINUTE, HERE.

HE IS A TOTALLY TAILORED...
WAIT A MINUTE, HERE.
NOW, WHAT ARE CHEVY CHASE

WAIT A MINUTE, HERE.
NOW, WHAT ARE CHEVY CHASE
CASUALS?

NOW, WHAT ARE CHEVY CHASE
CASUALS?
ARE WE TALKING TOTALLY DAYTIME?

CASUALS?
ARE WE TALKING TOTALLY DAYTIME?
OR DO YOU GET INTO EVENING?

ARE WE TALKING TOTALLY DAYTIME?
OR DO YOU GET INTO EVENING?
DO YOU DO LIKE A GLAMOUR THING

OR DO YOU GET INTO EVENING?
DO YOU DO LIKE A GLAMOUR THING
WITH MAYBE A NICE TUXEDO

DO YOU DO LIKE A GLAMOUR THING
WITH MAYBE A NICE TUXEDO
OR A SPECIAL DINNER JACKET?

WITH MAYBE A NICE TUXEDO
OR A SPECIAL DINNER JACKET?
I'LL JUST HAVE TO HOLD IT.

OR A SPECIAL DINNER JACKET?
I'LL JUST HAVE TO HOLD IT.
OKAY, FINE.

I'LL JUST HAVE TO HOLD IT.
OKAY, FINE.
SORRY.

OKAY, FINE.
SORRY.
NO...

SORRY.
NO...
[LAUGHTER]

NO...
[LAUGHTER]
UP HERE?

[LAUGHTER]
UP HERE?
Blackwell: I DON'T KNOW,

UP HERE?
Blackwell: I DON'T KNOW,
I DON'T DO, ANYTHING BEYOND

Blackwell: I DON'T KNOW,
I DON'T DO, ANYTHING BEYOND
THE SECOND GRADE I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T DO, ANYTHING BEYOND
THE SECOND GRADE I DON'T KNOW.
[BOTH LAUGH]

THE SECOND GRADE I DON'T KNOW.
[BOTH LAUGH]
WHAT I WAS GONNA SAY WAS

[BOTH LAUGH]
WHAT I WAS GONNA SAY WAS
THAT WE STAYED WITH THE KIND OF

WHAT I WAS GONNA SAY WAS
THAT WE STAYED WITH THE KIND OF
NATURAL FIBER FEELING...

THAT WE STAYED WITH THE KIND OF
NATURAL FIBER FEELING...
IN THE WHOLE LINE, YOU KNOW.

NATURAL FIBER FEELING...
IN THE WHOLE LINE, YOU KNOW.
CARSON, AS YOU KNOW,

IN THE WHOLE LINE, YOU KNOW.
CARSON, AS YOU KNOW,
IS INTO THE WHOLE...

CARSON, AS YOU KNOW,
IS INTO THE WHOLE...
JOHNNY, JOHNNY CARSON.

IS INTO THE WHOLE...
JOHNNY, JOHNNY CARSON.
NO, CARSON McCULLOUGH.

JOHNNY, JOHNNY CARSON.
NO, CARSON McCULLOUGH.
[BOTH LAUGH]

NO, CARSON McCULLOUGH.
[BOTH LAUGH]
NOW YOU'RE DOING IT.

[BOTH LAUGH]
NOW YOU'RE DOING IT.
NOW YOU ARE, I KNEW IT.

NOW YOU'RE DOING IT.
NOW YOU ARE, I KNEW IT.
THE OVER 40s AND PEOPLE

NOW YOU ARE, I KNEW IT.
THE OVER 40s AND PEOPLE
HAVE ALWAYS SAID THAT I WAS

THE OVER 40s AND PEOPLE
HAVE ALWAYS SAID THAT I WAS
KIND OF THE YOUNG CARSON

HAVE ALWAYS SAID THAT I WAS
KIND OF THE YOUNG CARSON
AND THEY REACH A POINT WHERE

KIND OF THE YOUNG CARSON
AND THEY REACH A POINT WHERE
ALL OF A SUDDEN IT KIND OF

AND THEY REACH A POINT WHERE
ALL OF A SUDDEN IT KIND OF
ALL MAKES SENSE.

ALL OF A SUDDEN IT KIND OF
ALL MAKES SENSE.
YOU KNOW, A YOUNG LADY

ALL MAKES SENSE.
YOU KNOW, A YOUNG LADY
NAMED BETTE MIDLER

YOU KNOW, A YOUNG LADY
NAMED BETTE MIDLER
REACHED THAT POINT A COUPLE

NAMED BETTE MIDLER
REACHED THAT POINT A COUPLE
OF YEARS AGO.

REACHED THAT POINT A COUPLE
OF YEARS AGO.
OUT OF THAT POINT CAME

OF YEARS AGO.
OUT OF THAT POINT CAME
"THE ROSE".

OUT OF THAT POINT CAME
"THE ROSE".
A FABULOUS LOOK FOR A

"THE ROSE".
A FABULOUS LOOK FOR A
PERIOD KIND OF PICTURE,

A FABULOUS LOOK FOR A
PERIOD KIND OF PICTURE,
DON'T YOU THINK?

PERIOD KIND OF PICTURE,
DON'T YOU THINK?
I MEAN, ANYTHING THAT WAS A

DON'T YOU THINK?
I MEAN, ANYTHING THAT WAS A
CHANGE FOR HER WOULD'VE BEEN

I MEAN, ANYTHING THAT WAS A
CHANGE FOR HER WOULD'VE BEEN
FOR THE BETTER.

CHANGE FOR HER WOULD'VE BEEN
FOR THE BETTER.
I MEAN, THAT WHOLE TACKY CAMPY

FOR THE BETTER.
I MEAN, THAT WHOLE TACKY CAMPY
THING WAS, I THOUGHT IT WAS

I MEAN, THAT WHOLE TACKY CAMPY
THING WAS, I THOUGHT IT WAS
A LITTLE TOO HO, HO,

THING WAS, I THOUGHT IT WAS
A LITTLE TOO HO, HO,
LOOK AT ME, I'M JEWISH,

A LITTLE TOO HO, HO,
LOOK AT ME, I'M JEWISH,
DON'T YOU?

LOOK AT ME, I'M JEWISH,
DON'T YOU?
YES, I SUPPOSE I DID

DON'T YOU?
YES, I SUPPOSE I DID
THINK THAT, YEAH.

YES, I SUPPOSE I DID
THINK THAT, YEAH.
WE HAVE THE MODELS HERE.

THINK THAT, YEAH.
WE HAVE THE MODELS HERE.
FROM THE CHEVY CHASE

WE HAVE THE MODELS HERE.
FROM THE CHEVY CHASE
LINE OF CASUALS.

FROM THE CHEVY CHASE
LINE OF CASUALS.
THESE ARE AVAILABLE WHERE?

LINE OF CASUALS.
THESE ARE AVAILABLE WHERE?
FINER STORES?

THESE ARE AVAILABLE WHERE?
FINER STORES?
OH, NO, NO, NO, THESE ARE

FINER STORES?
OH, NO, NO, NO, THESE ARE
THE BEST, NOT, NOT CHAINS.

OH, NO, NO, NO, THESE ARE
THE BEST, NOT, NOT CHAINS.
NO, NO, THOSE ARE OUT

THE BEST, NOT, NOT CHAINS.
NO, NO, THOSE ARE OUT
FOR MEN, I THINK.

NO, NO, THOSE ARE OUT
FOR MEN, I THINK.
NO, NO, NO, CHAIN STORES,

FOR MEN, I THINK.
NO, NO, NO, CHAIN STORES,
NOT...

NO, NO, NO, CHAIN STORES,
NOT...
AS A RETAILING CONCEPT,

NOT...
AS A RETAILING CONCEPT,
YES, I THINK THAT'S A

AS A RETAILING CONCEPT,
YES, I THINK THAT'S A
VALID APPROACH.

YES, I THINK THAT'S A
VALID APPROACH.
LET'S SEE THE MODELS.

VALID APPROACH.
LET'S SEE THE MODELS.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK.

LET'S SEE THE MODELS.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK.
NOW, THIS COULD BE

LET'S TAKE A LOOK.
NOW, THIS COULD BE
IN AN OFFICE SITUATION

NOW, THIS COULD BE
IN AN OFFICE SITUATION
OR A GOURMET RESTAURANT.

IN AN OFFICE SITUATION
OR A GOURMET RESTAURANT.
YOU KNOW WHAT KILLS ME?

OR A GOURMET RESTAURANT.
YOU KNOW WHAT KILLS ME?
YOU KNOW WHAT KILLS ME,

YOU KNOW WHAT KILLS ME?
YOU KNOW WHAT KILLS ME,
I'LL TELL YOU RIGHT NOW.

YOU KNOW WHAT KILLS ME,
I'LL TELL YOU RIGHT NOW.
THAT WE ARE NOT ON COLOR T.V.

I'LL TELL YOU RIGHT NOW.
THAT WE ARE NOT ON COLOR T.V.
SO THE PEOPLE COULD SEE

THAT WE ARE NOT ON COLOR T.V.
SO THE PEOPLE COULD SEE
THE TOTAL COLOR STATEMENT.

SO THE PEOPLE COULD SEE
THE TOTAL COLOR STATEMENT.
WE'RE NOT ON COLOR?

THE TOTAL COLOR STATEMENT.
WE'RE NOT ON COLOR?
NO.

WE'RE NOT ON COLOR?
NO.
NOW, IN A REAL GOURMET

NO.
NOW, IN A REAL GOURMET
RESTAURANT, YOU WOULD

NOW, IN A REAL GOURMET
RESTAURANT, YOU WOULD
ADD THE TIE?

RESTAURANT, YOU WOULD
ADD THE TIE?
WE'RE NOT ON COLOR.

ADD THE TIE?
WE'RE NOT ON COLOR.
YOU WOULD ADD THE TIE.

WE'RE NOT ON COLOR.
YOU WOULD ADD THE TIE.
WE SELL IT SEPARATELY,

YOU WOULD ADD THE TIE.
WE SELL IT SEPARATELY,
OF COURSE.

WE SELL IT SEPARATELY,
OF COURSE.
SURE, DO YOU DO THE JEANS?

OF COURSE.
SURE, DO YOU DO THE JEANS?
DO YOU DO THE DENIM THING?

SURE, DO YOU DO THE JEANS?
DO YOU DO THE DENIM THING?
OH, NO, NO, I DON'T.

DO YOU DO THE DENIM THING?
OH, NO, NO, I DON'T.
WE DON'T DO THAT.

OH, NO, NO, I DON'T.
WE DON'T DO THAT.
I FEEL THAT TO PUT MY NAME

WE DON'T DO THAT.
I FEEL THAT TO PUT MY NAME
ON A PAIR OF JEANS AND CHARGE

I FEEL THAT TO PUT MY NAME
ON A PAIR OF JEANS AND CHARGE
$10 OR $20 JUST BECAUSE MY NAME

ON A PAIR OF JEANS AND CHARGE
$10 OR $20 JUST BECAUSE MY NAME
WOULD BE THE WRONG THING TO DO

$10 OR $20 JUST BECAUSE MY NAME
WOULD BE THE WRONG THING TO DO
UNLESS UNTIL WE GET INTO

WOULD BE THE WRONG THING TO DO
UNLESS UNTIL WE GET INTO
THE BIG CHAIN STORES.

UNLESS UNTIL WE GET INTO
THE BIG CHAIN STORES.
BUT WE GO WITH CORDUROY.

THE BIG CHAIN STORES.
BUT WE GO WITH CORDUROY.
Blackwell: OKAY, OKAY, NOW,

BUT WE GO WITH CORDUROY.
Blackwell: OKAY, OKAY, NOW,
HAS ANYBODY SAID TO YOU,

Blackwell: OKAY, OKAY, NOW,
HAS ANYBODY SAID TO YOU,
I LOVE THE IDEA, I LOVE THE

HAS ANYBODY SAID TO YOU,
I LOVE THE IDEA, I LOVE THE
CONCEPT, I LOVE THE EXECUTION,

I LOVE THE IDEA, I LOVE THE
CONCEPT, I LOVE THE EXECUTION,
I LOVE THE TIMING, I LOVE THE

CONCEPT, I LOVE THE EXECUTION,
I LOVE THE TIMING, I LOVE THE
WHOLE THING BUT AS A STATEMENT

I LOVE THE TIMING, I LOVE THE
WHOLE THING BUT AS A STATEMENT
OF WHAT CHEVY CHASE CASUALS ARE

WHOLE THING BUT AS A STATEMENT
OF WHAT CHEVY CHASE CASUALS ARE
ABOUT IT'S JUST A LITTLE BIT TOO

OF WHAT CHEVY CHASE CASUALS ARE
ABOUT IT'S JUST A LITTLE BIT TOO
MUCH AND DUSTIN HOFFMAN GOES

ABOUT IT'S JUST A LITTLE BIT TOO
MUCH AND DUSTIN HOFFMAN GOES
BACK TO MRS. ROBINSON.

MUCH AND DUSTIN HOFFMAN GOES
BACK TO MRS. ROBINSON.
YOU'VE HEARD THAT, RIGHT?

BACK TO MRS. ROBINSON.
YOU'VE HEARD THAT, RIGHT?
NO, NOBODY'S EVER

YOU'VE HEARD THAT, RIGHT?
NO, NOBODY'S EVER
SAID THAT TO ME.

NO, NOBODY'S EVER
SAID THAT TO ME.
WHY, YOU THINK THAT?

SAID THAT TO ME.
WHY, YOU THINK THAT?
WELL, OBJECTIVELY, I MEAN

WHY, YOU THINK THAT?
WELL, OBJECTIVELY, I MEAN
PERSONALLY SPEAKING,

WELL, OBJECTIVELY, I MEAN
PERSONALLY SPEAKING,
OF COURSE NOT.

PERSONALLY SPEAKING,
OF COURSE NOT.
OBJECTIVELY, I DON'T KNOW,

OF COURSE NOT.
OBJECTIVELY, I DON'T KNOW,
MAYBE SO.

OBJECTIVELY, I DON'T KNOW,
MAYBE SO.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?

MAYBE SO.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
ANYWAY, CHEVY CHASE,

WHAT DO YOU THINK?
ANYWAY, CHEVY CHASE,
I WISH WE COULD HAVE THE OTHER,

ANYWAY, CHEVY CHASE,
I WISH WE COULD HAVE THE OTHER,
NO, LET'S BRING HIM OUT.

I WISH WE COULD HAVE THE OTHER,
NO, LET'S BRING HIM OUT.
LET'S BRING THE OTHER

NO, LET'S BRING HIM OUT.
LET'S BRING THE OTHER
MODELS OUT.

LET'S BRING THE OTHER
MODELS OUT.
THEY WANT, THEY WANT THE STUDIO

MODELS OUT.
THEY WANT, THEY WANT THE STUDIO
BACK, I DON'T KNOW WHAT FOR.

THEY WANT, THEY WANT THE STUDIO
BACK, I DON'T KNOW WHAT FOR.
WE'RE THE ONLY SHOW THAT

BACK, I DON'T KNOW WHAT FOR.
WE'RE THE ONLY SHOW THAT
PAYS OUR BILL ON TIME

WE'RE THE ONLY SHOW THAT
PAYS OUR BILL ON TIME
AND WE'RE THE ONLY SHOW

PAYS OUR BILL ON TIME
AND WE'RE THE ONLY SHOW
THAT GIVES OUR CREW AS WELL AS

AND WE'RE THE ONLY SHOW
THAT GIVES OUR CREW AS WELL AS
EACH MEMBER OF OUR GUESTS

THAT GIVES OUR CREW AS WELL AS
EACH MEMBER OF OUR GUESTS
THE MR. BLACKWELL SHAMPOO.

EACH MEMBER OF OUR GUESTS
THE MR. BLACKWELL SHAMPOO.
HERE YOU GO.

THE MR. BLACKWELL SHAMPOO.
HERE YOU GO.
AND THE MR. BLACKWELL

HERE YOU GO.
AND THE MR. BLACKWELL
FACIAL MOISTURIZER.

AND THE MR. BLACKWELL
FACIAL MOISTURIZER.
I CAN'T THANK YOU ENOUGH.

FACIAL MOISTURIZER.
I CAN'T THANK YOU ENOUGH.
THANK YOU.

I CAN'T THANK YOU ENOUGH.
THANK YOU.
Blackwell: IT'S BEEN

THANK YOU.
Blackwell: IT'S BEEN
SUCH FUN.

Blackwell: IT'S BEEN
SUCH FUN.
IT HAS BEEN FUN, I TOLD YOU.

SUCH FUN.
IT HAS BEEN FUN, I TOLD YOU.
OH, IT'S ALWAYS BEEN FUN

IT HAS BEEN FUN, I TOLD YOU.
OH, IT'S ALWAYS BEEN FUN
FOR ME TOO AND I ENJOYED THIS

OH, IT'S ALWAYS BEEN FUN
FOR ME TOO AND I ENJOYED THIS
VERY MUCH... EVEN WITHOUT

FOR ME TOO AND I ENJOYED THIS
VERY MUCH... EVEN WITHOUT
THE COLOR.

VERY MUCH... EVEN WITHOUT
THE COLOR.
YOU'VE BEEN A DELIGHT.

THE COLOR.
YOU'VE BEEN A DELIGHT.
CHEVY CHASE CASUALS AVAILABLE

YOU'VE BEEN A DELIGHT.
CHEVY CHASE CASUALS AVAILABLE
SOON AT FINER STORES.

CHEVY CHASE CASUALS AVAILABLE
SOON AT FINER STORES.
I HAVE TO READ THIS.

SOON AT FINER STORES.
I HAVE TO READ THIS.
STAY TUNED ON CABLE CHANNEL D

I HAVE TO READ THIS.
STAY TUNED ON CABLE CHANNEL D
FOR COOKING IN SPANISH

STAY TUNED ON CABLE CHANNEL D
FOR COOKING IN SPANISH
WITH THE GARCIAS.

FOR COOKING IN SPANISH
WITH THE GARCIAS.
TODAY'S RECIPE...

WITH THE GARCIAS.
TODAY'S RECIPE...
I CAN'T READ THIS...

TODAY'S RECIPE...
I CAN'T READ THIS...
"PAELLA", "PAELLA".

I CAN'T READ THIS...
"PAELLA", "PAELLA".
WHATEVER, IT'S FABULOUS.

"PAELLA", "PAELLA".
WHATEVER, IT'S FABULOUS.
MR. BLACKWELL SPEAKING

WHATEVER, IT'S FABULOUS.
MR. BLACKWELL SPEAKING
OF FASHION AND OTHER THINGS.

MR. BLACKWELL SPEAKING
OF FASHION AND OTHER THINGS.
NEXT WEEK, A PLASTIC SURGEON

OF FASHION AND OTHER THINGS.
NEXT WEEK, A PLASTIC SURGEON
I CALL A MAGICIAN WITH A

NEXT WEEK, A PLASTIC SURGEON
I CALL A MAGICIAN WITH A
SCALPEL.

I CALL A MAGICIAN WITH A
SCALPEL.
GOODBYE, TAKE CARE.

SCALPEL.
GOODBYE, TAKE CARE.
[APPLAUSE]

ONCE AGAIN,
MARIANNE FAITHFULL.
[APPLAUSE]

MARIANNE FAITHFULL.
[APPLAUSE]
[♪...]

♪ I FEEL GUILT, I FEEL GUILT ♪
♪ THOUGH I KNOW I'VE
DONE NO WRONG ♪

♪ THOUGH I KNOW I'VE
DONE NO WRONG ♪
♪ I FEEL GUILT ♪

DONE NO WRONG ♪
♪ I FEEL GUILT ♪
♪ I FEEL GUILT, I FEEL GUILT ♪

♪ I FEEL GUILT ♪
♪ I FEEL GUILT, I FEEL GUILT ♪
♪ THOUGH I KNOW I'VE

♪ I FEEL GUILT, I FEEL GUILT ♪
♪ THOUGH I KNOW I'VE
DONE NO WRONG ♪

♪ THOUGH I KNOW I'VE
DONE NO WRONG ♪
♪ I FEEL GUILT ♪

DONE NO WRONG ♪
♪ I FEEL GUILT ♪
♪ I FEEL BAD, SO BAD ♪

♪ I FEEL GUILT ♪
♪ I FEEL BAD, SO BAD ♪
♪ THOUGH I AIN'T DONE NOTHING

♪ I FEEL BAD, SO BAD ♪
♪ THOUGH I AIN'T DONE NOTHING
WRONG I FEEL BAD ♪

♪ THOUGH I AIN'T DONE NOTHING
WRONG I FEEL BAD ♪
♪ I FEEL BAD, SO BAD ♪

WRONG I FEEL BAD ♪
♪ I FEEL BAD, SO BAD ♪
♪ THOUGH I AIN'T DONE NOTHING

♪ I FEEL BAD, SO BAD ♪
♪ THOUGH I AIN'T DONE NOTHING
WRONG I FEEL BAD ♪

♪ THOUGH I AIN'T DONE NOTHING
WRONG I FEEL BAD ♪
♪ I NEVER LIED TO MY LOVER ♪

WRONG I FEEL BAD ♪
♪ I NEVER LIED TO MY LOVER ♪
♪ BUT IF I DID

♪ I NEVER LIED TO MY LOVER ♪
♪ BUT IF I DID
I WOULD ADMIT IT ♪

♪ BUT IF I DID
I WOULD ADMIT IT ♪
♪ IF I COULD GET AWAY

I WOULD ADMIT IT ♪
♪ IF I COULD GET AWAY
WITH MURDER ♪

♪ IF I COULD GET AWAY
WITH MURDER ♪
♪ I'D TAKE MY GUN

WITH MURDER ♪
♪ I'D TAKE MY GUN
AND I'D COMMIT IT ♪

♪ I'D TAKE MY GUN
AND I'D COMMIT IT ♪
♪ I NEVER STOLE FROM THE RICH ♪

AND I'D COMMIT IT ♪
♪ I NEVER STOLE FROM THE RICH ♪
♪ I NEVER GAVE TO THE POOR ♪

♪ I NEVER STOLE FROM THE RICH ♪
♪ I NEVER GAVE TO THE POOR ♪
♪ I'M LIKE A CURIOUS CHILD ♪

♪ I NEVER GAVE TO THE POOR ♪
♪ I'M LIKE A CURIOUS CHILD ♪
♪ GIVE ME MORE, MORE, MORE,

♪ I'M LIKE A CURIOUS CHILD ♪
♪ GIVE ME MORE, MORE, MORE,
MORE, MORE, MORE, MORE ♪

♪ GIVE ME MORE, MORE, MORE,
MORE, MORE, MORE, MORE ♪
♪ I FEEL BLOOD, I FEEL BLOOD ♪

MORE, MORE, MORE, MORE ♪
♪ I FEEL BLOOD, I FEEL BLOOD ♪
♪ THOUGH I FEEL IT IN MY VEINS ♪

♪ I FEEL BLOOD, I FEEL BLOOD ♪
♪ THOUGH I FEEL IT IN MY VEINS ♪
♪ IT'S NOT ENOUGH ♪

♪ THOUGH I FEEL IT IN MY VEINS ♪
♪ IT'S NOT ENOUGH ♪
♪ I FEEL BLOOD, I FEEL BLOOD ♪

♪ IT'S NOT ENOUGH ♪
♪ I FEEL BLOOD, I FEEL BLOOD ♪
♪ THOUGH IT'S STREAMING

♪ I FEEL BLOOD, I FEEL BLOOD ♪
♪ THOUGH IT'S STREAMING
THROUGH MY VEINS ♪

♪ THOUGH IT'S STREAMING
THROUGH MY VEINS ♪
♪ IT'S NOT ENOUGH ♪

THROUGH MY VEINS ♪
♪ IT'S NOT ENOUGH ♪
♪ I NEVER STOLE A SCARF

♪ IT'S NOT ENOUGH ♪
♪ I NEVER STOLE A SCARF
FROM HARRODS ♪

♪ I NEVER STOLE A SCARF
FROM HARRODS ♪
♪ BUT IF I DID

FROM HARRODS ♪
♪ BUT IF I DID
THEY WOULDN'T MISS IT ♪

♪ BUT IF I DID
THEY WOULDN'T MISS IT ♪
♪ I NEVER STOLE A DOLL ♪

THEY WOULDN'T MISS IT ♪
♪ I NEVER STOLE A DOLL ♪
FROM LOVECRAFT ♪

♪ I NEVER STOLE A DOLL ♪
FROM LOVECRAFT ♪
♪ BUT IF I DID

FROM LOVECRAFT ♪
♪ BUT IF I DID
YOU KNOW I'D KISS IT ♪

♪ BUT IF I DID
YOU KNOW I'D KISS IT ♪
♪ I NEVER GAVE TO THE RICH ♪

YOU KNOW I'D KISS IT ♪
♪ I NEVER GAVE TO THE RICH ♪
♪ I NEVER STOLE FROM THE POOR ♪

♪ I NEVER GAVE TO THE RICH ♪
♪ I NEVER STOLE FROM THE POOR ♪
♪ I'M LIKE A CURIOUS CHILD ♪

♪ I NEVER STOLE FROM THE POOR ♪
♪ I'M LIKE A CURIOUS CHILD ♪
♪ JUST GIVE ME MORE, MORE,

♪ I'M LIKE A CURIOUS CHILD ♪
♪ JUST GIVE ME MORE, MORE,
MORE, MORE, MORE, MORE,

♪ JUST GIVE ME MORE, MORE,
MORE, MORE, MORE, MORE,
MORE, MORE, MORE ♪

MORE, MORE, MORE, MORE,
MORE, MORE, MORE ♪
[♪...]

♪ I FEEL GUILT, I FEEL GUILT ♪
♪ THOUGH I KNOW I'VE
DONE NO WRONG ♪

♪ THOUGH I KNOW I'VE
DONE NO WRONG ♪
♪ I FEEL GUILT ♪

DONE NO WRONG ♪
♪ I FEEL GUILT ♪
♪ I FEEL GUILT, I FEEL GUILT ♪

♪ I FEEL GUILT ♪
♪ I FEEL GUILT, I FEEL GUILT ♪
♪ THOUGH I AIN'T DONE

♪ I FEEL GUILT, I FEEL GUILT ♪
♪ THOUGH I AIN'T DONE
NOTHING WRONG ♪

♪ THOUGH I AIN'T DONE
NOTHING WRONG ♪
♪ I FEEL GUILT ♪

NOTHING WRONG ♪
♪ I FEEL GUILT ♪
♪ GUILT, GUILT, GUILT, GUILT ♪

♪ I FEEL GUILT ♪
♪ GUILT, GUILT, GUILT, GUILT ♪
♪ GUILT, GUILT, GUILT, GUILT ♪

♪ GUILT, GUILT, GUILT, GUILT ♪
♪ GUILT, GUILT, GUILT, GUILT ♪
♪ GUILT, GUILT, GUILT, GUILT ♪

♪ GUILT, GUILT, GUILT, GUILT ♪
♪ GUILT, GUILT, GUILT, GUILT ♪
♪ GUILT, GUILT, GUILT, GUILT ♪

[APPLAUSE]

Man: YOU MISS A LOT OF THE
ACTORS YOU WORK WITH,
LOCATIONS YOU GO ON,

ACTORS YOU WORK WITH,
LOCATIONS YOU GO ON,
BUT YOU STILL SEE 'EM AROUND

LOCATIONS YOU GO ON,
BUT YOU STILL SEE 'EM AROUND
HOLLYWOOD.

BUT YOU STILL SEE 'EM AROUND
HOLLYWOOD.
THEN WHEN THERE'S SOMEONE THERE

HOLLYWOOD.
THEN WHEN THERE'S SOMEONE THERE
THAT I KNOW I ALWAYS GO BY AND

THEN WHEN THERE'S SOMEONE THERE
THAT I KNOW I ALWAYS GO BY AND
SAY HELLO TO HIM, RENEW OLD

THAT I KNOW I ALWAYS GO BY AND
SAY HELLO TO HIM, RENEW OLD
FRIENDSHIP, YOU KNOW.

Narrator: TIME IS FUNNY.
IT HAS A WAY OF SLIPPING BY.
THE ONCE FAMOUS OFTEN PASS INTO

IT HAS A WAY OF SLIPPING BY.
THE ONCE FAMOUS OFTEN PASS INTO
A TWILIGHT OF OBSCURITY...

THE ONCE FAMOUS OFTEN PASS INTO
A TWILIGHT OF OBSCURITY...
UNRECOGNIZED BY THE CROWD.

A TWILIGHT OF OBSCURITY...
UNRECOGNIZED BY THE CROWD.
SUCH IS LINDEN PALMER.

UNRECOGNIZED BY THE CROWD.
SUCH IS LINDEN PALMER.
AT ONE TIME ONE OF THE MOST

SUCH IS LINDEN PALMER.
AT ONE TIME ONE OF THE MOST
SOUGHT AFTER AND POWERFUL

AT ONE TIME ONE OF THE MOST
SOUGHT AFTER AND POWERFUL
DIRECTORS IN HOLLYWOOD.

SOUGHT AFTER AND POWERFUL
DIRECTORS IN HOLLYWOOD.
"SWINGIN' SQUADRON" 1936.

DIRECTORS IN HOLLYWOOD.
"SWINGIN' SQUADRON" 1936.
"A DIME A DOZEN" 1934.

"SWINGIN' SQUADRON" 1936.
"A DIME A DOZEN" 1934.
"SENORITA CADILLAC",

"A DIME A DOZEN" 1934.
"SENORITA CADILLAC",
"LET'S MAKE MONEY",

"SENORITA CADILLAC",
"LET'S MAKE MONEY",
AND "SPANISH VENUS" 1942.

"LET'S MAKE MONEY",
AND "SPANISH VENUS" 1942.
SOME OF THE CLASS A FILMS,

AND "SPANISH VENUS" 1942.
SOME OF THE CLASS A FILMS,
THE BIG FILMS YOU MIGHT REMEMBER

SOME OF THE CLASS A FILMS,
THE BIG FILMS YOU MIGHT REMEMBER
WAS... MUSICAL WAS WITH, UH,

THE BIG FILMS YOU MIGHT REMEMBER
WAS... MUSICAL WAS WITH, UH,
MARILYN MONROE AND "NO BUSINESS

WAS... MUSICAL WAS WITH, UH,
MARILYN MONROE AND "NO BUSINESS
LIKE SHOW BUSINESS"...

MARILYN MONROE AND "NO BUSINESS
LIKE SHOW BUSINESS"...
Narrator: PALMER WAS THE

LIKE SHOW BUSINESS"...
Narrator: PALMER WAS THE
FIRST DIRECTOR TO USE A THEN

Narrator: PALMER WAS THE
FIRST DIRECTOR TO USE A THEN
YOUNG MARILYN MONROE

FIRST DIRECTOR TO USE A THEN
YOUNG MARILYN MONROE
IN HIS EARLY MUSICALS.

YOUNG MARILYN MONROE
IN HIS EARLY MUSICALS.
"TIC TAC TOES" - MARILYN'S

IN HIS EARLY MUSICALS.
"TIC TAC TOES" - MARILYN'S
FIRST SCREEN ROLE IN 1949.

"TIC TAC TOES" - MARILYN'S
FIRST SCREEN ROLE IN 1949.
SHE PORTRAYS A TAP DANCER

FIRST SCREEN ROLE IN 1949.
SHE PORTRAYS A TAP DANCER
ON XYLOPHONE STAIRS.

SHE PORTRAYS A TAP DANCER
ON XYLOPHONE STAIRS.
AND ANOTHER, A BRUNETTE MARILYN

ON XYLOPHONE STAIRS.
AND ANOTHER, A BRUNETTE MARILYN
IN "WHISTLING LEGS" 1951.

AND ANOTHER, A BRUNETTE MARILYN
IN "WHISTLING LEGS" 1951.
THIS TIME SHE PLAYS THE

IN "WHISTLING LEGS" 1951.
THIS TIME SHE PLAYS THE
SECOND CHORUS GIRL,

THIS TIME SHE PLAYS THE
SECOND CHORUS GIRL,
SCREEN LEFT.

SECOND CHORUS GIRL,
SCREEN LEFT.
PALMER REMEMBERS CHAPLIN.

SCREEN LEFT.
PALMER REMEMBERS CHAPLIN.
CHARLIE, I KNEW HIM WHEN

PALMER REMEMBERS CHAPLIN.
CHARLIE, I KNEW HIM WHEN
HE WAS YOUNGER WORKING AT

CHARLIE, I KNEW HIM WHEN
HE WAS YOUNGER WORKING AT
20th CENTURY FOX.

HE WAS YOUNGER WORKING AT
20th CENTURY FOX.
THAT GUY NEVER SEEMED

20th CENTURY FOX.
THAT GUY NEVER SEEMED
TO AGE ANY.

THAT GUY NEVER SEEMED
TO AGE ANY.
HE JUST KEPT GOING RIGHT ON

TO AGE ANY.
HE JUST KEPT GOING RIGHT ON
THROUGH LIFE DOING

HE JUST KEPT GOING RIGHT ON
THROUGH LIFE DOING
THE SAME THING.

THROUGH LIFE DOING
THE SAME THING.
HE WAS ALWAYS A LAUGH,

THE SAME THING.
HE WAS ALWAYS A LAUGH,
THAT GUY HE WAS.

HE WAS ALWAYS A LAUGH,
THAT GUY HE WAS.
Narrator: CHAPLIN PORTRAYED

THAT GUY HE WAS.
Narrator: CHAPLIN PORTRAYED
A FRUSTRATED FLAMENCO DANCER

Narrator: CHAPLIN PORTRAYED
A FRUSTRATED FLAMENCO DANCER
TRYING TO HOLD DOWN TWO JOBS

A FRUSTRATED FLAMENCO DANCER
TRYING TO HOLD DOWN TWO JOBS
AND A STORMY AFFAIR WITH

TRYING TO HOLD DOWN TWO JOBS
AND A STORMY AFFAIR WITH
DANCE PARTNER PATRICE VON SOW

AND A STORMY AFFAIR WITH
DANCE PARTNER PATRICE VON SOW
IN "THE BIG TANGO".

DANCE PARTNER PATRICE VON SOW
IN "THE BIG TANGO".
BUT IT NEVER GOT TO HOLLYWOOD.

IN "THE BIG TANGO".
BUT IT NEVER GOT TO HOLLYWOOD.
THE PICTURE WAS SUPPRESSED,

BUT IT NEVER GOT TO HOLLYWOOD.
THE PICTURE WAS SUPPRESSED,
BLACK LISTED AND NEVER RELEASED.

BLACK LISTING DIDN'T
KEEP PALMER DOWN.
IT ONLY CAUSED HIM

KEEP PALMER DOWN.
IT ONLY CAUSED HIM
TO PROBE DEEPER.

IT ONLY CAUSED HIM
TO PROBE DEEPER.
AND WITH BELLS OF OBSCURITY,

TO PROBE DEEPER.
AND WITH BELLS OF OBSCURITY,
FROM THE PLAY BY ARTHUR MILLER,

AND WITH BELLS OF OBSCURITY,
FROM THE PLAY BY ARTHUR MILLER,
HE MOVES INTO HIS SERIOUS

FROM THE PLAY BY ARTHUR MILLER,
HE MOVES INTO HIS SERIOUS
PERIOD.

HE MOVES INTO HIS SERIOUS
PERIOD.
A SOPHISTICATED EXAMINATION

PERIOD.
A SOPHISTICATED EXAMINATION
OF SMALL TOWN MORALS.

A SOPHISTICATED EXAMINATION
OF SMALL TOWN MORALS.
HIS BRASH LANGUAGE SHOCKED

OF SMALL TOWN MORALS.
HIS BRASH LANGUAGE SHOCKED
MOVIE GOERS IN 1952.

HIS BRASH LANGUAGE SHOCKED
MOVIE GOERS IN 1952.
I HOPE YOU DIDN'T FORGET

MOVIE GOERS IN 1952.
I HOPE YOU DIDN'T FORGET
TO SEE MR. ELLERY ON YOUR

I HOPE YOU DIDN'T FORGET
TO SEE MR. ELLERY ON YOUR
WAY HOME.

TO SEE MR. ELLERY ON YOUR
WAY HOME.
NO, I SIGNED THE CLAIM FOR

WAY HOME.
NO, I SIGNED THE CLAIM FOR
BILL'S BIKE AND PICKED UP

NO, I SIGNED THE CLAIM FOR
BILL'S BIKE AND PICKED UP
MY AUTO INSURANCE TOO.

BILL'S BIKE AND PICKED UP
MY AUTO INSURANCE TOO.
AND I WANNA TALK TO YOU

MY AUTO INSURANCE TOO.
AND I WANNA TALK TO YOU
AFTER DINNER.

AND I WANNA TALK TO YOU
AFTER DINNER.
I THINK I'M GONNA TAKE OUT

AFTER DINNER.
I THINK I'M GONNA TAKE OUT
SOME MORE LIFE INSURANCE.

I THINK I'M GONNA TAKE OUT
SOME MORE LIFE INSURANCE.
Narrator: FOR SEVEN YEARS

SOME MORE LIFE INSURANCE.
Narrator: FOR SEVEN YEARS
PALMER DIDN'T MAKE A PICTURE

Narrator: FOR SEVEN YEARS
PALMER DIDN'T MAKE A PICTURE
UNTIL A TRIUMPHANT COMEBACK WITH

PALMER DIDN'T MAKE A PICTURE
UNTIL A TRIUMPHANT COMEBACK WITH
AN UNFORGETTABLE NEW FEATURE

UNTIL A TRIUMPHANT COMEBACK WITH
AN UNFORGETTABLE NEW FEATURE
"WIKI WIKI HIJINKS"...

AN UNFORGETTABLE NEW FEATURE
"WIKI WIKI HIJINKS"...
HIS FIRST AND LAST

"WIKI WIKI HIJINKS"...
HIS FIRST AND LAST
DISNEY PICTURE.

HIS FIRST AND LAST
DISNEY PICTURE.
HERE PALMER USED ACTORS ANNETTE

DISNEY PICTURE.
HERE PALMER USED ACTORS ANNETTE
FUNICELLO AND FRANKIE AVALON.

HERE PALMER USED ACTORS ANNETTE
FUNICELLO AND FRANKIE AVALON.
AS A YOUNG PAIR OF SPECIALTY

FUNICELLO AND FRANKIE AVALON.
AS A YOUNG PAIR OF SPECIALTY
DANCERS CONFRONTING MATURITY.

AS A YOUNG PAIR OF SPECIALTY
DANCERS CONFRONTING MATURITY.
HE WAS FIRED BY DISNEY WHEN

DANCERS CONFRONTING MATURITY.
HE WAS FIRED BY DISNEY WHEN
PALMER REFUSED TO USE ANIMALS

HE WAS FIRED BY DISNEY WHEN
PALMER REFUSED TO USE ANIMALS
IN A CERTAIN SEQUENCE.

Palmer: WATCH THE OLD
DIRECTORS.
LEARN EVERYTHING YOU CAN

DIRECTORS.
LEARN EVERYTHING YOU CAN
FROM THEM.

LEARN EVERYTHING YOU CAN
FROM THEM.
ALL THEIR SHORT TRICKS.

FROM THEM.
ALL THEIR SHORT TRICKS.
MAKE SURE THAT YOUR ACTOR'S

ALL THEIR SHORT TRICKS.
MAKE SURE THAT YOUR ACTOR'S
IN CONDITION TO WORK,

MAKE SURE THAT YOUR ACTOR'S
IN CONDITION TO WORK,
HE KNOWS HIS LINES,

IN CONDITION TO WORK,
HE KNOWS HIS LINES,
AND WHEN YOU GET UP BEFORE THE

HE KNOWS HIS LINES,
AND WHEN YOU GET UP BEFORE THE
CAMERA YOU'RE READY TO SHOOT.

AND WHEN YOU GET UP BEFORE THE
CAMERA YOU'RE READY TO SHOOT.
Narrator: WE LEAVE LINDEN

CAMERA YOU'RE READY TO SHOOT.
Narrator: WE LEAVE LINDEN
PALMER WITH HIS SUCCESSES,

Narrator: WE LEAVE LINDEN
PALMER WITH HIS SUCCESSES,
HIS FILMS, AND HIS MEMORIES.

PALMER WITH HIS SUCCESSES,
HIS FILMS, AND HIS MEMORIES.
REMEMBERING THAT OLD DIRECTORS

HIS FILMS, AND HIS MEMORIES.
REMEMBERING THAT OLD DIRECTORS
NEVER DIE, THEY JUST DISSOLVE

REMEMBERING THAT OLD DIRECTORS
NEVER DIE, THEY JUST DISSOLVE
AND FADE OUT.

NEVER DIE, THEY JUST DISSOLVE
AND FADE OUT.
[APPLAUSE]

HELLO, MOTHER.
WHAT'S BEEN GOING ON
THIS WEEK...

WHAT'S BEEN GOING ON
THIS WEEK...
I'VE BEEN SO BUSY I HAVEN'T

THIS WEEK...
I'VE BEEN SO BUSY I HAVEN'T
EVEN COME NEAR THIS MACHINE

I'VE BEEN SO BUSY I HAVEN'T
EVEN COME NEAR THIS MACHINE
OR LET ALONE PICKING UP A PEN.

EVEN COME NEAR THIS MACHINE
OR LET ALONE PICKING UP A PEN.
AND AS IT'S BEEN QUITE

OR LET ALONE PICKING UP A PEN.
AND AS IT'S BEEN QUITE
HYSTERICAL, UM, LET ME PICK UP

AND AS IT'S BEEN QUITE
HYSTERICAL, UM, LET ME PICK UP
WHERE I LEFT OFF.

HYSTERICAL, UM, LET ME PICK UP
WHERE I LEFT OFF.
JUST A LITTLE 10 MINUTES WORTH

WHERE I LEFT OFF.
JUST A LITTLE 10 MINUTES WORTH
BEFORE LEAVING FOR ACAPULCO

JUST A LITTLE 10 MINUTES WORTH
BEFORE LEAVING FOR ACAPULCO
TOMORROW MORNING AND I'LL TAKE

BEFORE LEAVING FOR ACAPULCO
TOMORROW MORNING AND I'LL TAKE
FRED'S TAPE MACHINE UP THERE

TOMORROW MORNING AND I'LL TAKE
FRED'S TAPE MACHINE UP THERE
AND TRY TO DO A LITTLE UP THERE.

FRED'S TAPE MACHINE UP THERE
AND TRY TO DO A LITTLE UP THERE.
AND SO I CAN SEND THIS TAPE OFF

AND TRY TO DO A LITTLE UP THERE.
AND SO I CAN SEND THIS TAPE OFF
EARLY NEXT WEEK.

AND SO I CAN SEND THIS TAPE OFF
EARLY NEXT WEEK.
I WON'T FINISH IT,

EARLY NEXT WEEK.
I WON'T FINISH IT,
IT'S THIS HUGE MONSTER.

I WON'T FINISH IT,
IT'S THIS HUGE MONSTER.
BUT IF I JUST ACHIEVE THIS SIDE

IT'S THIS HUGE MONSTER.
BUT IF I JUST ACHIEVE THIS SIDE
IT WILL BE SOMETHING.

BUT IF I JUST ACHIEVE THIS SIDE
IT WILL BE SOMETHING.
WELL, LET ME BRING YOU UP

IT WILL BE SOMETHING.
WELL, LET ME BRING YOU UP
TO DATE, AS THEY SAY...

WELL, LET ME BRING YOU UP
TO DATE, AS THEY SAY...
TUESDAY I CAN'T REMEMBER

TO DATE, AS THEY SAY...
TUESDAY I CAN'T REMEMBER
WHAT I DID...

TUESDAY I CAN'T REMEMBER
WHAT I DID...
I KNOW IT WAS A NEVER-ENDING

WHAT I DID...
I KNOW IT WAS A NEVER-ENDING
RUSH.

I KNOW IT WAS A NEVER-ENDING
RUSH.
OH, THAT'S RIGHT, FRED AND I

RUSH.
OH, THAT'S RIGHT, FRED AND I
PLAYED TENNIS ON TUESDAY

OH, THAT'S RIGHT, FRED AND I
PLAYED TENNIS ON TUESDAY
WHICH WAS A GREAT GAS.

PLAYED TENNIS ON TUESDAY
WHICH WAS A GREAT GAS.
WE COULDN'T HAVE ENJOYED

WHICH WAS A GREAT GAS.
WE COULDN'T HAVE ENJOYED
OURSELVES MORE.

WE COULDN'T HAVE ENJOYED
OURSELVES MORE.
I THINK IT MAKES HIS BRAIN

OURSELVES MORE.
I THINK IT MAKES HIS BRAIN
GO ROUND AND ROUND AGAIN,

I THINK IT MAKES HIS BRAIN
GO ROUND AND ROUND AGAIN,
WHICH IS SPLENDID AND DOES US

GO ROUND AND ROUND AGAIN,
WHICH IS SPLENDID AND DOES US
BOTH AN ENORMOUS AMOUNT OF GOOD

WHICH IS SPLENDID AND DOES US
BOTH AN ENORMOUS AMOUNT OF GOOD
BECAUSE OTHERWISE WE DON'T

BOTH AN ENORMOUS AMOUNT OF GOOD
BECAUSE OTHERWISE WE DON'T
DO ANYTHING.

BECAUSE OTHERWISE WE DON'T
DO ANYTHING.
AND WE HATE NOT DOING ANYTHING

DO ANYTHING.
AND WE HATE NOT DOING ANYTHING
AND WE HAVE SUCH FUN

AND WE HATE NOT DOING ANYTHING
AND WE HAVE SUCH FUN
PLAYING TENNIS.

AND WE HAVE SUCH FUN
PLAYING TENNIS.
OH, AND I CAN'T TELL YOU FRED'S

PLAYING TENNIS.
OH, AND I CAN'T TELL YOU FRED'S
BEEN ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT.

OH, AND I CAN'T TELL YOU FRED'S
BEEN ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT.
HE REALLY COULDN'T BE PLAYING

BEEN ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT.
HE REALLY COULDN'T BE PLAYING
BETTER, HE REALLY IS.

HE REALLY COULDN'T BE PLAYING
BETTER, HE REALLY IS.
HE'S BEATING ME AT THE MOMENT

BETTER, HE REALLY IS.
HE'S BEATING ME AT THE MOMENT
WHICH IS MOST UPSETTING,

HE'S BEATING ME AT THE MOMENT
WHICH IS MOST UPSETTING,
WELL, BEATING ME, WE WIN

WHICH IS MOST UPSETTING,
WELL, BEATING ME, WE WIN
ABOUT ONE SET EACH.

WELL, BEATING ME, WE WIN
ABOUT ONE SET EACH.
USUALLY I WIN THE LAST ONE

ABOUT ONE SET EACH.
USUALLY I WIN THE LAST ONE
BECAUSE HE'S THEN GETTIN'

USUALLY I WIN THE LAST ONE
BECAUSE HE'S THEN GETTIN'
TIRED... AND I COULD BE

BECAUSE HE'S THEN GETTIN'
TIRED... AND I COULD BE
A BIT MORE WILEY.

TIRED... AND I COULD BE
A BIT MORE WILEY.
BUT ANYHOW, HE WON THE FIRST

A BIT MORE WILEY.
BUT ANYHOW, HE WON THE FIRST
SET, ACTUALLY I THINK HE WON

BUT ANYHOW, HE WON THE FIRST
SET, ACTUALLY I THINK HE WON
BOTH ON TUESDAY, WHICH WAS

SET, ACTUALLY I THINK HE WON
BOTH ON TUESDAY, WHICH WAS
FRIGHTFULLY UPSETTING.

BOTH ON TUESDAY, WHICH WAS
FRIGHTFULLY UPSETTING.
AFTER TENNIS WE...

FRIGHTFULLY UPSETTING.
AFTER TENNIS WE...
OH, ANYHOW, WE...

AFTER TENNIS WE...
OH, ANYHOW, WE...
WHAT DID HAPPEN LAST NIGHT?

OH, ANYHOW, WE...
WHAT DID HAPPEN LAST NIGHT?
I REALLY CAN'T THINK.

WHAT DID HAPPEN LAST NIGHT?
I REALLY CAN'T THINK.
MY BRAIN DOESN'T WORK

I REALLY CAN'T THINK.
MY BRAIN DOESN'T WORK
DOWN HERE AT ALL.

MY BRAIN DOESN'T WORK
DOWN HERE AT ALL.
I DO FEEL THESE TAPES MUST

DOWN HERE AT ALL.
I DO FEEL THESE TAPES MUST
GET VERY ADDLED, SORRY,

I DO FEEL THESE TAPES MUST
GET VERY ADDLED, SORRY,
BUT I DO FEEL THAT YOU MUST

GET VERY ADDLED, SORRY,
BUT I DO FEEL THAT YOU MUST
GET VERY ADDLED TAPES

BUT I DO FEEL THAT YOU MUST
GET VERY ADDLED TAPES
FROM DOWN HERE.

GET VERY ADDLED TAPES
FROM DOWN HERE.
MY BRAIN... I DON'T THINK

FROM DOWN HERE.
MY BRAIN... I DON'T THINK
I CAN CONCENTRATE REALLY.

MY BRAIN... I DON'T THINK
I CAN CONCENTRATE REALLY.
AND I DO TRY.

I CAN CONCENTRATE REALLY.
AND I DO TRY.
IT'S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS.

OH, YES, TUESDAY NIGHT WE HAD
THIS SUPER FEAST THAT
BLOSSOM COOKED.

THIS SUPER FEAST THAT
BLOSSOM COOKED.
WE SERVED THEM A LITTLE SHRIMP

BLOSSOM COOKED.
WE SERVED THEM A LITTLE SHRIMP
IN A SORT OF CHEESY SAUCE.

WE SERVED THEM A LITTLE SHRIMP
IN A SORT OF CHEESY SAUCE.
AND STEAK DIANE.

IN A SORT OF CHEESY SAUCE.
AND STEAK DIANE.
IT'S DONE UP, YOU KNOW, A LITTLE

AND STEAK DIANE.
IT'S DONE UP, YOU KNOW, A LITTLE
SORT OF A BIT OF FILET FRIED

IT'S DONE UP, YOU KNOW, A LITTLE
SORT OF A BIT OF FILET FRIED
IN WORCESTER SAUCE AND

SORT OF A BIT OF FILET FRIED
IN WORCESTER SAUCE AND
BUTTER AND ROSEMARY I THINK

IN WORCESTER SAUCE AND
BUTTER AND ROSEMARY I THINK
IS THE HERB THEY USED.

BUTTER AND ROSEMARY I THINK
IS THE HERB THEY USED.
ANYWAY, IT WAS ABSOLUTELY

IS THE HERB THEY USED.
ANYWAY, IT WAS ABSOLUTELY
DELICIOUS AND THOROUGHLY

ANYWAY, IT WAS ABSOLUTELY
DELICIOUS AND THOROUGHLY
ENJOYED IT.

DELICIOUS AND THOROUGHLY
ENJOYED IT.
AND DELICIOUS PUDDING.

ENJOYED IT.
AND DELICIOUS PUDDING.
AND THE TABLE DID LOOK SUPER.

AND DELICIOUS PUDDING.
AND THE TABLE DID LOOK SUPER.
I CAN'T TELL YOU, MOM,

AND THE TABLE DID LOOK SUPER.
I CAN'T TELL YOU, MOM,
I WAS SO PROUD.

I CAN'T TELL YOU, MOM,
I WAS SO PROUD.
I DO WISH YOU'D BEEN THERE

I WAS SO PROUD.
I DO WISH YOU'D BEEN THERE
TO SEE IT.

I DO WISH YOU'D BEEN THERE
TO SEE IT.
IT'D LOOKED SO PRETTY AND I DO

TO SEE IT.
IT'D LOOKED SO PRETTY AND I DO
LOVE MY THINGS SO MUCH.

IT'D LOOKED SO PRETTY AND I DO
LOVE MY THINGS SO MUCH.
CAN'T TELL YOU, I'M THRILLED.

LOVE MY THINGS SO MUCH.
CAN'T TELL YOU, I'M THRILLED.
ESPECIALLY THOSE LOVELY

CAN'T TELL YOU, I'M THRILLED.
ESPECIALLY THOSE LOVELY
COPENHAGEN OWLS YOU GAVE ME

ESPECIALLY THOSE LOVELY
COPENHAGEN OWLS YOU GAVE ME
WHICH I ADORE, BLESS THEM.

COPENHAGEN OWLS YOU GAVE ME
WHICH I ADORE, BLESS THEM.
I DO THINK THEY'RE SUPER.

WHICH I ADORE, BLESS THEM.
I DO THINK THEY'RE SUPER.
I SIT AND LOOK AT THEM.

I REALLY AM NUTS ABOUT THEM,
THE OWLS.
OH, WE STARTED DRINKING

THE OWLS.
OH, WE STARTED DRINKING
VERY LARGE DRINKS,

OH, WE STARTED DRINKING
VERY LARGE DRINKS,
WENT STRAIGHT TO MY HEAD.

VERY LARGE DRINKS,
WENT STRAIGHT TO MY HEAD.
[DART FLIES]

WENT STRAIGHT TO MY HEAD.
[DART FLIES]
I REALLY FELT RATHER WOOZY.

[DART FLIES]
I REALLY FELT RATHER WOOZY.
I CAN'T THINK WHAT IT WAS,

I REALLY FELT RATHER WOOZY.
I CAN'T THINK WHAT IT WAS,
WHETHER IT WAS NOT HAVING EATEN

I CAN'T THINK WHAT IT WAS,
WHETHER IT WAS NOT HAVING EATEN
SORT OF ANY SOLID FOOD

WHETHER IT WAS NOT HAVING EATEN
SORT OF ANY SOLID FOOD
ALL DAY IN THE SUN.

SORT OF ANY SOLID FOOD
ALL DAY IN THE SUN.
ANYHOW, IT SOON PASSED WHEN

ALL DAY IN THE SUN.
ANYHOW, IT SOON PASSED WHEN
THE FOOD ARRIVED, I ASSURE YOU.

AND... OH, AND THEN, AND THEN,
FRED WANTED TO GO AND SEE...
[DARTS FLIES]

FRED WANTED TO GO AND SEE...
[DARTS FLIES]
"NICHOLAUS AND ALEXANDRA"...

[DARTS FLIES]
"NICHOLAUS AND ALEXANDRA"...
THAT FILM?

"NICHOLAUS AND ALEXANDRA"...
THAT FILM?
AND WE WERE RATHER KEEN

THAT FILM?
AND WE WERE RATHER KEEN
ON SEEING THAT SO WE DROVE DOWN

AND WE WERE RATHER KEEN
ON SEEING THAT SO WE DROVE DOWN
TO SEE IF IT WAS STILL ON.

ON SEEING THAT SO WE DROVE DOWN
TO SEE IF IT WAS STILL ON.
NEEDLESS TO SAY, IT WASN'T,

TO SEE IF IT WAS STILL ON.
NEEDLESS TO SAY, IT WASN'T,
WHICH WAS A GREAT RELIEF

NEEDLESS TO SAY, IT WASN'T,
WHICH WAS A GREAT RELIEF
TO BOTH OF US, ACTUALLY.

WHICH WAS A GREAT RELIEF
TO BOTH OF US, ACTUALLY.
NEITHER ONE OF US WANTED TO SEE

TO BOTH OF US, ACTUALLY.
NEITHER ONE OF US WANTED TO SEE
IT, AT LEAST NOT AFTER A

NEITHER ONE OF US WANTED TO SEE
IT, AT LEAST NOT AFTER A
DELICIOUS DINNER LIKE THAT.

IT, AT LEAST NOT AFTER A
DELICIOUS DINNER LIKE THAT.
[DART FLIES]

DELICIOUS DINNER LIKE THAT.
[DART FLIES]
OH!

[DART FLIES]
OH!
[HISSING]

OH!
[HISSING]
[DART FLIES]

[♪..., APPLAUSE]

HELLO.
THIS IS A LITTLE ENERGY SAVER
FEATURING MY FRIEND, TOM SCOTT.

THIS IS A LITTLE ENERGY SAVER
FEATURING MY FRIEND, TOM SCOTT.
[♪...]

♪ PEOPLE SAY A MAN
IS MADE OUTTA MUD ♪
♪ A POOR MAN'S MADE

IS MADE OUTTA MUD ♪
♪ A POOR MAN'S MADE
OUTTA MUSCLE AND BLOOD ♪

♪ A POOR MAN'S MADE
OUTTA MUSCLE AND BLOOD ♪
♪ MUSCLE AND BLOOD

OUTTA MUSCLE AND BLOOD ♪
♪ MUSCLE AND BLOOD
AND SKIN AND BONE ♪

♪ MUSCLE AND BLOOD
AND SKIN AND BONE ♪
♪ A MIND THAT'S WEAK

AND SKIN AND BONE ♪
♪ A MIND THAT'S WEAK
AND A BACK THAT'S STRONG ♪

♪ A MIND THAT'S WEAK
AND A BACK THAT'S STRONG ♪
♪ YOU LOAD 16 TONS

AND A BACK THAT'S STRONG ♪
♪ YOU LOAD 16 TONS
AND WHAT DO YOU GET? ♪

♪ YOU LOAD 16 TONS
AND WHAT DO YOU GET? ♪
♪ YOU GET ANOTHER DAY OLDER

AND WHAT DO YOU GET? ♪
♪ YOU GET ANOTHER DAY OLDER
AND YOU'RE DEEPER IN DEBT ♪

♪ YOU GET ANOTHER DAY OLDER
AND YOU'RE DEEPER IN DEBT ♪
♪ SAINT PETER

AND YOU'RE DEEPER IN DEBT ♪
♪ SAINT PETER
DON'T YOU CALL ME ♪

♪ SAINT PETER
DON'T YOU CALL ME ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I CAN'T GO ♪

DON'T YOU CALL ME ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I CAN'T GO ♪
♪ I OWE MY SOUL

♪ 'CAUSE I CAN'T GO ♪
♪ I OWE MY SOUL
TO THE COMPANY STORE ♪

♪ I WAS BORN ONE MORNING
WHEN THE SUN DIDN'T SHINE ♪
♪ I PICKED UP MY SHOVEL

WHEN THE SUN DIDN'T SHINE ♪
♪ I PICKED UP MY SHOVEL
AND I WALKED TO THE MINE ♪

♪ I PICKED UP MY SHOVEL
AND I WALKED TO THE MINE ♪
♪ I LOADED 16 TONS

AND I WALKED TO THE MINE ♪
♪ I LOADED 16 TONS
OF NUMBER NINE COAL ♪

♪ I LOADED 16 TONS
OF NUMBER NINE COAL ♪
♪ AND THE STORE BOSS SAID

OF NUMBER NINE COAL ♪
♪ AND THE STORE BOSS SAID
WELL, BLESS MY SOUL ♪

♪ AND THE STORE BOSS SAID
WELL, BLESS MY SOUL ♪
♪ HE LOADED 16 TONS

WELL, BLESS MY SOUL ♪
♪ HE LOADED 16 TONS
AND WHAT DO YOU GET? ♪

♪ HE LOADED 16 TONS
AND WHAT DO YOU GET? ♪
♪ YOU GET ANOTHER DAY OLDER

AND WHAT DO YOU GET? ♪
♪ YOU GET ANOTHER DAY OLDER
AND YOU'RE DEEPER IN DEBT ♪

♪ YOU GET ANOTHER DAY OLDER
AND YOU'RE DEEPER IN DEBT ♪
♪ SAINT PETER

AND YOU'RE DEEPER IN DEBT ♪
♪ SAINT PETER
DON'T YOU CALL ME ♪

♪ SAINT PETER
DON'T YOU CALL ME ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I CAN'T GO ♪

DON'T YOU CALL ME ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I CAN'T GO ♪
♪ I OWE MY SOUL

♪ 'CAUSE I CAN'T GO ♪
♪ I OWE MY SOUL
TO THE COMPANY STORE ♪

♪ I OWE MY SOUL
TO THE COMPANY STORE ♪
[♪...]

♪ IF YOU SEE ME COMING,
BETTER STEP ASIDE ♪
♪ A LOT OF MEN DIDN'T

BETTER STEP ASIDE ♪
♪ A LOT OF MEN DIDN'T
AND A LOT OF MEN DIED ♪

♪ A LOT OF MEN DIDN'T
AND A LOT OF MEN DIED ♪
♪ ONE FIST OF IRON,

AND A LOT OF MEN DIED ♪
♪ ONE FIST OF IRON,
THE OTHER OF STEEL ♪

♪ ONE FIST OF IRON,
THE OTHER OF STEEL ♪
♪ IF THE RIGHT ONE

THE OTHER OF STEEL ♪
♪ IF THE RIGHT ONE
DON'T GET YOU ♪

♪ IF THE RIGHT ONE
DON'T GET YOU ♪
♪ THEN THE LEFT ONE WILL ♪

DON'T GET YOU ♪
♪ THEN THE LEFT ONE WILL ♪
♪ YOU LOAD 16 TONS

♪ THEN THE LEFT ONE WILL ♪
♪ YOU LOAD 16 TONS
AND WHAT DO YOU GET? ♪

♪ YOU LOAD 16 TONS
AND WHAT DO YOU GET? ♪
♪ YOU GET ANOTHER DAY OLDER

AND WHAT DO YOU GET? ♪
♪ YOU GET ANOTHER DAY OLDER
AND YOU'RE DEEPER IN DEBT ♪

♪ YOU GET ANOTHER DAY OLDER
AND YOU'RE DEEPER IN DEBT ♪
♪ SAINT PETER

AND YOU'RE DEEPER IN DEBT ♪
♪ SAINT PETER
DON'T YOU CALL ME ♪

♪ SAINT PETER
DON'T YOU CALL ME ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I CAN'T GO ♪

DON'T YOU CALL ME ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I CAN'T GO ♪
♪ I OWE MY SOUL

♪ 'CAUSE I CAN'T GO ♪
♪ I OWE MY SOUL
TO THE COMPANY STORE ♪

♪ I OWE MY SOUL
TO THE COMPANY STORE ♪
[♪...]

[♪...]

[APPLAUSE...]

I'D LIKE TO THANK THE GOAT.
I'D LIKE TO THANK MARIANNE
FAITHFULL.

I'D LIKE TO THANK MARIANNE
FAITHFULL.
I'D LIKE TO THANK TOM SCOTT.

FAITHFULL.
I'D LIKE TO THANK TOM SCOTT.
I'D LIKE TO THANK ALL

I'D LIKE TO THANK TOM SCOTT.
I'D LIKE TO THANK ALL
MY GREAT FRIENDS HERE.

I'D LIKE TO THANK ALL
MY GREAT FRIENDS HERE.
IT WAS A GREAT NIGHT, THANK YOU!

MY GREAT FRIENDS HERE.
IT WAS A GREAT NIGHT, THANK YOU!
[♪..., APPLAUSE]

[♪...]