Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 46, Episode 5 - John Mulaney/The Strokes - full transcript

Host John Mulaney; The Strokes performs.

AND NOW, A HOLIDAY MESSAGE
FROM FORMER VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN.

GREETINGS,
AMERICA.

IT'S A SPOOKY TIME, FILLED WITH DEMONS
AND DARKNESS. ALSO, IT'S HALLOWEEN.

FOR SOME TRUMP VOTERS,
IT'S THE ONLY DAY THEY'LL WEAR A MASK.

DO YOU LIKE MY DECORATIONS?
I BORROWED THEM FROM MELANIA'S

CHRISTMAS DISPLAY. WHICH REMINDS ME, THERE'S

ANOTHER HOLIDAY RIGHT AROUND
THE CORNER. ELECTION DAY!

IF YOU'RE LIKE MOST AMERICANS, YOU'RE
EXCITED TO VOTE. AND VERY, VERY, VERY WORRIED

ABOUT THE OUTCOME. BUT DON'T BE.

THEY SAY I'M 8 POINTS AHEAD. POLL NUMBERS LIKE
THAT CAN ONLY GO WRONG ONCE IN A BLUE MOON.

HUH. THAT'S
A LITTLE TROUBLING.



TONIGHT, I WANTED TO TAKE OUR MINDS
OFF THE ELECTION BY READING A SCARY STORY.

HUH. THAT ONE'S A LITTLE
TOO SCARY.

IT'S EDGAR ALLEN POE! "THE
RAVEN." A CLASSIC POEM.

IN THE 1800s, PEOPLE WOULD READ THIS
AND SOIL THEIR PANTALOONS.

LET'S SEE HOW IT HOLDS UP. IT'S HARD
TO OPEN. ONCE UPON A MIDNIGHT DREARY

WHILE TRUMP RETWEETED
QANON THEORIES...

AND RIFLED THROUGH HIS ADDERALL DRAWER, I WAS
WRITING MY ACCEPTANCE SPEECH WHEN SOMETHING

STOPPED WITH A SPEECH. 'TWAS
A KNOCK UPON MY CHAMBER DOOR.

'TWAS
SOMEONE STILL A LITTLE SORE.

"HE MADE
ME SCARED OF FOUR YEARS MORE."

QUOTH THE CLINTON... WE LOST BEFORE. RAVEN,
STOP BEING SUCH A

DRAG. WE'VE GOT THIS IN THE BAG
SAYS EVERY PUNDIT FROM SHORE TO

SHORE. NOT MICHAEL MOORE,
HE SAYS VOTERS ARE BEING UNDERCOUNTED IN

THE POLLS. ALTHOUGH, EVEN IF YOU DO
WIN ON TUESDAY, THE ELECTION COULD



STILL BE STOLEN FROM YOU,
EVIDENTLY. I SAID, "COME ON, NO ONE WILL

DARE, I'LL BE SWORN IN FAIR AND SQUARE,
ALL THE VOTES WILL BE ACCOUNTED FOR."

JUST LIKE AL GORE. THIS
TIME IT'S DIFFERENT. I CAN WIN.

PEOPLE KNOW I HAVE A PLAN. BUT YOUR REAL
ADVANTAGE IS YOU'RE NOT A WOMAN, YOU'RE A

MAN!

YOU GOT THIS,
OKAY. HA HA!

I CHECKED THE WEBSITE "FIVETHIRTYEIGHT"
TO FIND OUT MY ELECTION FATE.

NATE SILVER, HE WILL KNOW THE SCORE,
EVEN THOUGH... I WAS WRONG BEFORE.

SO LOOK, GUYS. OUR CURRENT MODEL
SHOWS THAT TRUMP HAS LESS THAN A 1 IN 6

CHANCE OF WINNING. ABOUT THE SAME ODDS
AS THE NUMBER 1 COMING UP WHEN YOU ROLL

A DIE. SO FOR EXAMPLE... HUH,
1. OH!

WELL, I GUESS THAT SHOWS YOU THAT IT'S
TECHNICALLY POSSIBLE, HOWEVER UNLIKELY.

BUT ROLL IT AGAIN AND YOU'LL
SEE THAT IT'S A... HUH, 1.

SO ROLL IT AGAIN AND... ELECTORAL
COLLEGE TIE... THAT'S NOT EVEN AN OPTION.

OKAY. I'M JUST GOING TO LEAVE,
BECAUSE

- I THINK OUR COUNTRY IS HAUNTED.
- LOUISIANA LOUISIANA

OUR COUNTRY'S NOT
HAUNTED. WE JUST HAVE TO COME TOGETHER

LIKE TWO BUTT CHEEKS,
AND STOP THE CRACK.

DECENT FOLKS OUT THERE, I ASK, HASN'T TRUMP FAILED
AT HIS TASK? DO NOT ELECT HIM ANYMORE, THOUGH

ICE CUBE AND LIL WAYNE... ARE VOTING
FOR. AND WHY IN THE NAME OF ALL

THAT IS HOLY WOULD YOU
BE VOTING FOR TRUMP? TAXES.

PLUS TRUMP'S GOT A NEW
PLATINUM PLAN. THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU GOT A PLATINUM RECORD, YOU CAN
PLAN ON HIM DOING A PHOTO OP WITH YOU.

TRUMP CANNOT WIN.

WE MUST DO BETTER THAN THAT SPRAY
TAN SUPER-SPREADER.

I WILL WIN, BECAUSE I'M A
BALLER.

JUST ASK MY RUNNING MATE,
KAMAL-ER.

COME ON, JOE,
JOHN IT'S KAMALA. I KNOW.

I TOOK SOME ARTISTIC LIBERTIES TO PRESERVE MY
RHYME SCHEME. I KNOW A LOT'S UNCERTAIN, BUT I

BELIEVE WE'LL WIN THIS RACE.
AND THAT'S WHY MITCH McCONNELL...

IS STOPPING BY, JUST IN CASE. [ LAUGHTER
JOE, MY OLD PAL FROM THE SENATE.

DON'T TELL ANYONE THIS, BUT I'M KIND
OF PULLING FOR YOU. YOU'RE DOING GREAT!

MY GOD, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR

HANDS, LOBSTER BOY? WELL, NO, THIS IS
JUST A VERY COMMON AND NORMAL CONDITION

CALLED OLD MAN PURPLE. BASICALLY, MY BLOOD HATES ME SO

MUCH, IT'S TRYING TO LEAVE MY
BODY. EITHER THAT OR I'M TOO FAR AWAY

FROM MY HORCRUX.

SO, WHATEVER HAPPENS, AMERICA,
KNOW THAT WE'LL BE OKAY.

OUR NATION WILL ENDURE. WE WILL FIGHT
ANOTHER DAY. I'M SURE IT WILL BE PEACEFUL,

NO MATTER WHO HAS WON. THOUGH IT'S NEVER A
GOOD SIGN WHEN WALMART STOPS SELLING GUNS.

USE YOUR
VOICE AND USE YOUR VOTE.

DEMOCRACY WILL REPRESENT. THIS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME,

LET'S GAIN AN HOUR AND LOSE A
PRESIDENT.

AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK,
IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT! **

IT'S "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE"! WITH...

MUSICAL GUEST THE STROKES. AND YOUR HOST,
JOHN MULANEY LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JOHN

MULANEY! **

THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

IT IS GREAT TO BE HERE HOSTING
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" FOR THE FOURTH TIME.

IT'S
THE MOST ANYONE'S EVER HOSTED.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ALL
OF YOU AND THANK YOU FOR COMING TO

THIS, THANK YOU FOR EVERYONE HERE WHO DID SO
MUCH WORK TO MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN, BECAUSE

NOTHING HAD BEEN HAPPENING FOR
SO LONG. WE ALL REALLY APPRECIATE IT.

MY NAME IS JOHN MULANEY. I AM A COMEDIAN, OR
AS I LIKE TO CALL US, THE LAST RESPONDERS.

I LIVE IN NEW YORK CITY,
I LOVE NEW YORK CITY, I LOVE THAT

YOU'RE ALL WEARING MASKS. I'M A LITTLE
SAD ABOUT MASKS IN NEW YORK CITY BECAUSE IT

PREVENTS YOU FROM OVERHEARING CONVERSATIONS
ON THE STREET. THAT IS ONE OF THE GREATEST

JOYS. JUST BEFORE COVID HIT,
IN DECEMBER I WAS DOWNTOWN,

I WAS ON WEST 12th STREET. I WAS WALKING
DOWNTOWN, I WAS ON WEST 12th, AND I'M WALKING THIS

WAY, AND THIS GUY'S COMING TOWARDS
ME THIS WAY. HE'S ON A CELL PHONE.

WE'RE BOTH DOWNTOWN. AS HE WALKS PAST ME,
I HEAR HIM GO, "NO, NO, NO, I CAN'T MEET

RIGHT NOW, I'M WAY UPTOWN." AND
THEN HE LOOKED AT ME, AND HE WINKED.

THAT'S THE BEST GUY I'VE EVER SEEN
IN MY LIFE.

A LOT OF PEOPLE BINGE WATCH TV DURING
QUARANTINE. I ONLY WATCHED ONE SERIES DURING

QUARANTINE, AN HOUR-LONG DRAMEDY CALLED,
"THE DAILY PRESS CONFERENCES OF GOVERNOR

ANDREW CUOMO." YES.

IT'S GREAT. IT TOLD THE STORY
OF AN ITALIAN-AMERICAN FATHER...

WHO AFTER BEING AN EMPTY
NESTER FINDS HIMSELF QUARANTINING WITH

HIS TWO DAUGHTERS. HIGH JINKS
ENSUE. HE LEARNS A LOT ABOUT BEING A

FATHER, A LITTLE BIT ABOUT
BEING A GOVERNOR.

I LOVE THOSE PRESS CONFERENCES. HE WOULD
WALK OUT EVERY DAY A LITTLE TOO EXCITE D

THEN HE'D SIT DOWN AND BE LIKE, OKAY,
"TODAY IS TUESDAY." A HINT OF PRIDE THAT HE

REMEMBERED THE DAY. AS IF BACKSTAGE,
ONE OF HIS GIBRONIS WAS LIKE, "THERE'S NO

WAY YOU'RE REMEMBERING THE DAY." "YOU
WATCH ME." HE'D GET OUT THERE AND START HIS

RHYTHM. HE'D BE LIKE,
"WE ARE NEW YORK TOUGH, AND WE ARE NEW YORK

TOUGH, AND WE ARE NEW YORK TOUGH BECAUSE WE
ARE NEW YORK STRONG, AND WE ARE NEW YORK STRONG

BECAUSE WE ARE NEW YORK KIND." HE WAS
TALKING LIKE SMURF LANGUAGE AFTER A WHILE.

"NEW YORK LANGUAGE IS VERY NEW YORK TO NEW
YORKERS JOOFT WHAT CUOMO DID THAT WAS BRILLIANT IS

HE TRIED TO RELATE TO US WITH HIS OWN
PROBLEMS. SOMETIMES HE'D BE TALKING ABOUT

LIKE A SITUATION IT'S WHAT WE'RE ALL GOING
THROUGH AND IT WAS CLEARLY SOMETHING GOING DOWN IN

THE CUOMO HOUSEHOLD AT THE
MOMENT. "WE'RE ALL TRYING TO FIGURE THIS

OUT. SAY YOUR BROTHER WANTS
TO TAKE THE KIDS TO SEE GRANDMA.

AND HE SAYS, 'WELL, WHAT IF I BROUGHT THE KIDS
JUST HALFWAY INTO THE HOUSE, AND SHE STAYED

ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE KITCHEN?' I SAID,
'IT'S AN AIRBORNE

ILLNESS. YOU BRING YOUR KIDS EVEN
INTO MY MUD ROOM OF MY MOTHER'S HOUSE, I

WILL BREAK YOUR NECK AND BURY YOU IN
THE ROCKAWAYS." I AM WORRIES THAT WHEN THE

CORONAVIRUS IS OVER, CUOMO WON'T
REALIZE THAT HIS SHOW IS OVER.

I'M AFRAID HE'LL TAKE IT ON THE ROAD AND TRY TO
PLAY STADIUMS, HEY, WHO WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT MY

DAUGHTER'S BOYFRIEND? EVERYONE'S LIKE,
PLAY COVID!

AND BY THE WAY, HE'S OUR LEAST-WEIRD
POLITICIAN OF AMERICA, LIKE 45 OF THE WEIRD

ONES. OH,
YES. I'M SUPPOSED TO MAKE AN

ANNOUNCEMENT. ON NOVEMBER 3rd
THERE IS AN ELDERLY MAN CONTEST.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
PICK YOUR FAVORITE OF THE ELDERLY MEN.

WE MIGHT HAVE THE SAME ELDERLY MAN
OR WE MIGHT HAVE A NEW ELDERLY MAN.

REST ASSURED, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, NOTHING
MUCH WILL CHANGE IN THE UNITED STATES.

THE RICH WILL CONTINUE TO PROSPER WHILE THE
POOR LANGUISH. FAMILIES WILL BE UPENDED BY

MENTAL ILLNESS AND DRUG ADDICTION.
JANE LYNCH WILL CONTINUE TO BOOK

LOTS OF PROJECTS.
WHEN SHE DOES, SHE'LL DELIVER,

SHE'S SO GOOD AT BEING ON TV. THAT WILL CONTINUE.

BUT THERE WILL BE PROBLEMS. THERE WILL BE
SLEEPOVERS WHERE FIVE OF THE GIRLS GANG UP ON ONE

OF THE GIRLS. AND THEY BULLY THE GIRL.

AND THE GIRL THEY'RE BULLYING, THE GIRL HAVING
THE SLEEPOVER DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO INVITE BUT

HER MOM MADE HER AND THAT'S THE ROOT
OF THE TENSION. THEY BULLY HER UNTIL SHE'S

CRYING AND SHE WANTS TO GO HOME. AND THEN THE
PARENTS OF THE GIRL THROWING THE SLEEPOVER WILL HAVE

TO CALL THE UNPOPULAR GIRL'S PARENTS,
CAN YOU COME PICK HER UP?

THEN THAT MOMENT WHERE THE DAD HAS TO SIT AT
THE DINING ROOM TABLE WHILE THEY WAIT FOR THE

PICKUP. HE'S IN PAJAMAS AND THE
OUTCAST IS IN HER WINTER COAT, LOOKING

STOIC. THEY HAVE NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT,
YOU KNOW, SO HE TRIES TO

APOLOGIZE FOR THE FACT THAT HIS
DAUGHTER IS A BITCH.

HE KIND OF IMPLIES SHE GETS
IT FROM THE WIFE.

ALL OF THAT WILL STILL CONTINUE. IT IS AMERICA.

BUT, BUT YOU SHOULD VOTE. YOU'VE GOT
TO VOTE. VOTE AS MANY TIMES AS YOU CAN.

VOTE.
DON'T JUST... FILL IN EVERY

CIRCLE, EVERY DOT, FILL IT IN. IF A PAGE SAYS
"THIS PAGE WAS INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK," YOU

WRITE WHATEVER YOU WANT, THAT'S
YOUR SPACE AS AN AMERICAN.

MY NANA IS GOING TO VOTE. SHE'S 94
YEARS OLD.

YES. DO YOU APPLAUD FOR THINGS
THAT YOU DON'T THINK ARE A GOOD IDEA?

AND THIS IS... LOOK,
THIS IS MY OPINION, I DON'T THINK IT'S

GOING TO BE THAT POPULAR.
SHUT THE DOOR SO NO ONE HEARS IT.

I DON'T THINK
MAYBE SHE SHOULD VOTE.

YOU DON'T GET TO VOTE WHEN YOU'RE
94-YEARS-OLD! YOU DON'T GET TO ORDER FOR THE

TABLE WHEN YOU'RE ABOUT TO
LEAVE THE RESTAURANT!

I'M SORRY. THAT JOKE IS
AGEIST. THAT IS WRONG.

IT IS WRONG TO SAY ONE AGE GROUP IS BETTER
THAN ANOTHER. THAT WOULD BE LIKE CALLING

YOURSELF THE GREATEST GENERATION. "OH,
WE FOUGHT THE NAZIS!"

WELL, WE'RE TRYING TO FIGHT THE NEW NAZIS IF YOU
GET OUT OF THE WAY AND STOP VOTING FOR PEOPLE

YOU SAW IN BETWEEN COIN COLLECTOR
COMMERCIALS.

I LOVE MY GRANDMA. I LOVE MY
NANA. YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU'RE A LITTLE

KID, YOU LOVE YOUR GRANDMA TOTALLY. BUT,
AS YOU GET OLDER YOU START

TO BE LIKE, "WHY DOES THAT OLD LADY MAKE MOM
SO NERVOUS?" SOMETHING MUST HAVE HAPPENED

THERE. BUT MY NANA IS A GREAT,
ECCENTRIC, WONDERFUL PERSON.

I'LL TELL YOU A STORY. WHEN SHE WAS 88 YEARS
OLD, SHE DIDN'T LIKE HER DRIVER'S LICENSE

PHOTO. SHE WAS STILL DRIVING AT 88,
THAT'S NOT EVEN THE POINT OF THE

STORY. SHE
DIDN'T LIKE HER DRIVER'S

LICENSE PHOTO. SHE THOUGHT
IT WAS NOT FLATTERING.

I TAKE HER SIDE, I ALSO THOUGHT IT WAS
UNFLATTERING. MAINLY BECAUSE IT WAS A PHOTO OF

AN 88-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. HER PLAN WAS THIS.

SHE WAS GOING TO GO TO THE MARBLEHEAD,
MASSACHUSETTS, DMV AND TELL THEM SHE LOST HER

LICENSE. SHE GETS TO THE DMV,
SHE SAID, I'VE LOST MY LICENSE, I NEED A

NEW LICENSE AND A NEW PHOTO. THE GUY AT THE
DMV SAYS, "DO YOU HAVE ANY PROOF OF I.D.?"

SHE TOOK OUT HER LICENSE. SHE TOLD ME, "WE
STARED AT EACH OTHER FOR A MOMENT, THEN I SAID,

YOU'VE CAUGHT ME IN A LIE AND I TOOK MY LICENSE
AND LEFT." A COUPLE OF SUMMERS AGO I WAS

WITH MY NANA AND I WALKED HER TO THE CAR, I HAD
TO, NOT LIKE WHEN YOU WALK A BRIDESMAID, I HAD TO

HOLD HER UP. AND, I GOT HER TO HER
CAR. HER CAR'S LIKE BROWN OR GRAY, IT

HAS NO BRAND, I THINK THE
GOVERNMENT GAVE IT TO HER.

WE GET TO HER DOOR, I GET HER TO THE CAR AND
I OPEN THE DOOR. AND, SHE LOOKS AT ME AND SHE

SAYS, "YOU KNOW, I USED TO BE CAROLYN
STANTON. BUT NOW EVERYONE SAYS I'M

JOHN MULANEY'S GRANDMOTHER. WELL, I WANT YOU
TO KNOW THAT IF I WASN'T YOUR GRANDMOTHER, I

WOULDN'T KNOW WHO YOU
ARE. SORRY!"

AND THEN SHE DROVE OFF. WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU

TONIGHT. THE STROKES ARE HERE,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

STICK
AROUND. WE'RE GOING TO BE RIGHT BACK.

GOOD HALLOWS EVE TO YOU. I AM REESE
DE'WHAT. AND DE'WHAT'S THAT BEHIND YOU?

I'M JUST KIDDING. TONIGHT, WE TAKE A
LOOK AT ALFRED HITCHCOCK'S 1963 HORROR

THRILLER "THE BIRDS." STARRING TIPPI HEDREN
AS A WOMAN MENACED BY BIRDS FOR REASONS

THAT ARE NEVER EXPLAINED. WHY DID HITCHCOCK NOT CLARIFY

WHAT THE BIRDS WERE UP TO? I
DO NOT KNOW. I AM A BAD GUESSER.

JUST ASK MY WIFE, WHO ASKED ME TO GUESS WHAT
SHE WAS GOING TO BE FOR HALLOWEEN AND I SAID, I

DON'T KNOW, DRUNK ON RUM? WORST DOUBLE BUBBLE BATH EVER!

LET'S LOOK NOW AT A
RECENTLY UNEARTHED ALTERNATE SCENE IN

WHICH HITCHCOCK TRIES TO REALLY SPELL OUT
WHAT'S GOING ON WITH "THE BIRDS," HERE WE GO.

OPERATOR, OPERATOR, GET ME THE
SHERIFF. THIS IS SHERIFF MCCAFFERTY,

- WHAT'S THE EMERGENCY?
- BIRDS!

I'M SORRY, DID YOU JUST GENTLY WHISPER
THE WORD "BIRDS"? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

IT MEANS BIRDS. THEY'RE
TRYING TO KILL EVERYBODY.

YOU'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING,
PLEASE. THESE BIRDS!

HAS ANYONE SAID, SHOO, GET OUT OF HERE,
BIRDS, WITH A HAND WAVE?

NO, NO, THERE'S TOO MANY OF THEM AND THEY'RE
TOO MEAN. OKAY, SO THESE ARE BIRDS OF

PREY, LIKE A HAWK OR AN EAGLE? NO. NO,
THEY'RE SEAGULLS.

YOU KNOW, THE LITTLE GUYS THAT EAT
FRENCH FRIES AT THE BEACH. OH, NO, LOOK!

THEY SET FIRE TO THE
GAS STATION! HOW?

SIR, I CANNOT EXPLAIN. NO, NO, NO,
NO. YOU JUST SAID A BIRD SET FIRE TO

A GAS STATION, SO YOU NEED TO
EXPLAIN THAT TO ME.

MAYBE THE BIRDS HAD A CIGARETTE FROM SOMEONE
AND THEN SLAPPED IT INTO THE GAS TANK, I

DON'T KNOW. NOW WHAT'S HAPPENING?
THE BIRDS, THEY JUST BIRDED A

MAN TO DEATH. OH,
NO!

ONE OF THE BIRDS FOUND A GLASS CUTTER! NO,
PLEASE!

IT'S GOT A KNIFE! PLEASE DO SOMETHING,
THE BIRDS WEREN'T RAISED RIGHT!

MA'AM, YOU'RE HYSTERICAL. THERE IS NO WAY
THIS IS HAPPENING ALL BECAUSE OF A BUNCH

OF NO-GOOD... I HAVE TO CALL
YOU BACK.

WOW. I GOT TO TELL YOU,
THOUGH. TEST AUDIENCES POSITIVELY HATED

THIS NEW VERSION. ALMOST AS
MUCH AS MY WIFE HATES VACUUMING.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M SORRY,
THAT IS NOT FAIR. SHE IS A GOOD WOMAN.

STILL WORRIED AUDIENCES WOULD NOT BE SCARED
ENOUGH BY BIRDS, HITCHCOCK FILMED YET ANOTHER

VERSION OF THE SCENE, ADDING EVEN
MORE SOURCES OF POTENTIAL TERROR.

LET'S WATCH. THANK GOD YOU
CAME! THESE ARE THE BIRDS THAT ARE

DOING IT ALL! I'M VERY SORRY I DOUBTED YOU,
THE BIRDS ARE TRYING TO BE VERY

MEAN. WHAT'S THAT ONE
DOING? IT'S RECORDING US!

OH, AN EGG! IT'S TRYING TO BE
NICE SO WE HAVE BREAKFAST.

NO, THEY'RE TRYING TO MAKE MORE
BIRDS. I'M GOING TO START SHOOTING

MY GUN OFF IN HERE AND SEE WHAT
HAPPENS. OH, YOU DUMMY, YOU'LL KILL

US! AND IT'S TOO LATE. THE
BIRDS HAVE PICKED UP TURTLES

TO USE. MY GOD THEY'RE
PUTTING THE TURTLES ON PEOPLE!

WE'RE ON THE PHONE, WE'RE ON THE PHONE! OH,
NO, THE TURTLES HAVE NOW

PICKED UP SANDWICHES! OH,
I GET IT. THE TURTLES ARE BULLYING THE

SANDWICHES LIKE THE BIRDS
BULLIED THEM. IT'S A CYCLE.

WELL, NOW, THE TURTLES HAVE LEARNED
TO FLY WITHOUT THE HELP OF THE BIRDS.

AS HAVE THE SANDWICHES. IS THIS THE
LESSON ABOUT MAN'S LACK OF RESPECT FOR

NATURE? DAMMIT,
I DON'T KNOW, BUT KISS ME.

WHAT? NO! GAH!

ULTIMATELY, THIS ULTIMATE SCENE WAS SCRAPPED
AFTER AN ASSISTANT EDITOR POINTED OUT

THAT IT ADDED OVER A DAY TO THE FILM'S TOTAL
RUNNING TIME. HAPPY HALLOWEEN, EVERYONE!

FOR CINE CLASSICS, I HAVE BEEN
REESE DE'WHAT.

GET NASTY OH YEAH ♪ UH-HUH

LET'S DO IT WE'VE BEEN
WAITING FOUR YEARS *

* AND NOW IT'S TIME TO HEAD
DOWN TO THE POLLS AND HIT

THAT VOTER LINE ♪ BEEN WAITING
FOR SO LONG NOVEMBER 3rd IT'S TIME

TO MARCH ON DOWN AND GET OUR
VOICES HEARD ♪ WE'RE STROLLIN'

TO THE POLLS TO THE
POLLS WE'RE STROLLIN' TO *

* THE POLLS THEY NEED
US * WE'RE CLOSED. * OKAY

WHERE CAN IT BE UH-HUH
WHERE WE CAN VOTE IN PEACE *

SORRY,
THIS ONE'S ALSO CLOSED. * OKAY STROLLIN'

TO THE POLLS SO IT'S THIS WAY
THEN STROLLING TO THE POLLS *

* OH JUST A LITTLE BIT FURTHER
ALL THE POLLS ARE CLOSED

SO WE HEAD TO THE ONES ♪ DOWN
SOUTH * SORRY, THAT POLL'S CLOSED.

IT'S A WALMART NOW. * OKAY THEN TELL
US MAN WHERE CAN WE GO VOTE THEN

GO JUST WAY UP THE ROAD
♪ RIGHT UP ON ROUTE 110 *

* WE'RE STROLLING TO THE POLLS
JUST A LITTLE BIT FURTHER Y'ALL *

* STROLLING TO THE POLLS * NOT SURE
WHY WE DIDN'T DRIVE. * WE'RE STROLLING

TO THE POLLS ♪
STROLLING TO THE POLLS *

* HEY WHILE WE'RE STROLLING COME ON,
EVERYBODY INTRODUCE YOURSELF

ME, I'M CRAZY LEGS JIMMY ♪ WATCH
MY CRAZY LEGS I'M OFF AND RUNNING *

* I'M PITY PAT PATRICIA ♪ AND
I'M MICHELLE, JUST MICHELLE *

* I THINK WE'RE ALMOST THERE JUST A
BIT TO GO * SORRY, EVERYONE, THE ROAD IS

CLOSED. IT'S NOT,
THOUGH. * WE'RE STROLLING TO THE POLLS *

* I'M CRAMPING UP STROLLING TO THE
POLLS ♪ IT'S ALMOST 5:00 DOUBLE TIME *

* WE'RE STROLLING TO THE POLLS STROLLING
TO THE POLLS ♪ WE'RE HERE WE FINALLY MADE

IT * CONGRATULATIONS,
THIS ONE'S OPEN.

WHOO! WHO WAS THAT?
DOES HE WORK HERE?

I DON'T THINK SO. *
STROLLIN' TO THE POLLS

STROLLIN' TO THE POLLS * HEY,
WE IN LINE.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN
WAITING HERE? THREE HOURS.

DAMN. NEXT! * WE'RE STROLLING

TO THE... * NEXT!
* WE'RE STROLL *

OH! FINALLY. THIS IS
WHERE WE GO IN TO VOTE,

RIGHT? YEP. YOU ALL BROUGHT MASKS,
RIGHT?

DAMN! WE ALL WALK ALL
THIS WAY? * WE'RE STROLLIN' *

WE ALL WALK ALL THIS WAY? * WE'RE
STROLLIN' *

CRANE. NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF
IN THESE SPOOKY, SCARY WOODS.

WHAT... WHAT IS THAT? IT WAS ONLY
AN OWL. CALM YOUR NERVES, ICHABOD.

ICHABOD CRANE! WHO'S
THERE? SHOW YOURSELF!

ICHABOD CRANE! HOW DARE YOU TRESPASS
IN THESE WOODS ON ALL HALLOWS EVE?

MY GOD, IT'S THE HEADLESS
HORSEMAN. THE ONE I'VE HEARD TELL OF IN

GHASTLY STORIES. THE VERY
SAME. AND IT'S TRUE WHAT THEY SAY.

YOU'RE CURSED TO CARRY AROUND
YOUR OWN SEVERED HEAD. FOR ETERNITY.

SO SINCE YOU'RE HOLDING A DETACHED BUT ANIMATED
HEAD... DO YOU EVER USE IT, LIKE, TO... YOU

KNOW... TO WHAT?

DO... DO YOU USE IT LIKE,
YOU KNOW... ON YOURSELF? WHAT?

WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? OKAY,
LOOK.

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO IT
TO MYSELF...

WITH MY REGULAR ATTACHED HEAD. I TRIED YOGA
AND STRETCHING. I EVEN HAD THE TOWN DOCTOR

REMOVE TWO OF MY RIBS. OH, THAT'S
DISGUSTING. OH, SAYS THE MAN HOLDING A

SEVERED HEAD. DON'T TELL ME
IT NEVER CROSSED YOUR MIND.

LOOK HOW YOU'RE HOLDING THE HEAD,
THE MOUTH IS ALREADY LIKE RIGHT THERE.

HONESTLY,
I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT IT.

WELL, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN MY FIRST
THOUGHT. RIGHT AFTER, OH GOD, THEY

CHOPPED OFF MY HEAD. I WOULD HAVE
PIVOTED TO, HUH, POSSIBLE SILVER LINING

HERE. IT'S
LIKE THEY ALWAYS SAY, WHEN

LIFE HANDS YOU A SEVERED HEAD,
YOU PUT THE MOUTH ON YOUR DING...

ENOUGH! YOU'LL HAVE PLENTY OF TIME
TO THINK SUCH FOUL THOUGHTS AFTER I

SEND YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL! ICHABOD,
I CAME AS SOON AS I COULD.

HOW BRAVE, YOU CAME TO RESCUE ME,
WILLIAM? NO, I WANTED TO ASK THE

HORSEMAN SOME QUESTIONS. YOU EVER JUST ROLL IT INTO THE

LADIES' ROOM? EXCUSE ME?

THE HEAD. YOU EVER ROLL IT UNDER
THE STALLS IN THE WOMEN'S BATHROOM

AND BE LIKE, MENTAL PICTURE! NO, OF COURSE NOT.

I DON'T EVEN GO INDOORS. OKAY.
THEN YOU EVER USE THE HEAD TO...

YOU KNOW. ON
YOURSELF?

HE ALREADY ASKED THAT. ASKED THAT,
YEAH. GREAT MINDS.

YEAH. FOLLOW-UP TO MY THING. DO YOU,
LIKE MOST MEN IN OUR

ERA, HAVE FALSE, REMOVABLE
TEETH? BECAUSE THAT COULD BE REALLY

GOOD IF YOU GOT... I HAVE REAL TEETH. OH,
BUMMER.

BUT COULD YOU... COULD YOU TILT THE HEAD SO YOU
COULD MAKE EYE CONTACT, LIKE IF SOMEONE WANTED

THAT, I MEAN? NO! I MEAN... YES.

- BUT WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT THAT?
- PERSONAL CONNECTION?

POWER, FOR ME. HEY, WHEN YOU... WHEN
YOUR THROAT GOT CUT, DID IT HAPPEN TO

SEVER THE GAG REFLEX? OKAY,
NOW I'M SENDING YOU BOTH TO HELL.

WHY SEND US TO HELL WHEN YOU COULD
SEND YOURSELF TO HEAVEN? ICHABOD, WILLIAM!

DID YOU ASK THE HORSEMAN ABOUT... YES,
YES, WE'RE WAY INTO IT.

THEN I HAVE A QUESTION
THAT'S GOING TO SEEM WEIRD ON SEVERAL

LEVELS. BUT IS THE HEAD
DISHWASHER SAFE?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I'M JUST CURIOUS ABOUT CLEANUP.

NO, NO, I GET THAT. SO... ALL RIGHT,
IT'S AN OPEN NECK, RIGHT?

SO HE COULD PROBABLY JUST DRINK A GLASS OF WATER
AFTER YOU DO IT, YOU KNOW, AND IT ALL FALLS

OUT. YEAH, YOU COULD PROBABLY
GO IN THROUGH THE NECK, TOO.

THAT'S A WHOLE NEW EXPERIENCE. ALL YOUR MINDS
ARE FILTHY! WHAT IS GOING ON IN THIS TOWN?

IT'S FULL OF PURITANS, THE MOST
SEXUALLY REPRESSED PEOPLE IN HISTORY.

SORRY I'M OBSESSED WITH SEX. MY WIFE, GOODY
CHASTITY, ISN'T EXACTLY FULFILLING MY NEEDS.

ALL RIGHT, I'M THROUGH WITH THIS
CONVERSATION. ICHABOD CRANE!

YOU SHALL SUFFER MY WRATH! HEY,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? NO!

GET IT! HEY,
ALL RIGHT! LET'S JUST SAY THINGS ARE COMING

TO... A HEAD. THUS THE LEGEND
OF SLEEPY HOLLOW WAS BORN.

THEY SAY IF YOU WALK THE WOODS TODAY YOU CAN
HEAR THE GHOSTLY CRY OF THE HORSEMAN'S HEAD

YELLING, "COME ON, GUYS, I NEED A
BREAK." AND THEN, "HEY, HEY, THE EARS

ARE OFF LIMITS." HAPPY ALL
HALLOWS EVE FROM EVERYONE AT NBC.

MAINLY LORNE, WHO WROTE THIS
SKETCH.

THANK YOU,
NEW YORK. NEW YORK. NEW YORK.

THINGS GOT PRETTY TOUGH HERE THIS
SUMMER. BUT THROUGH IT ALL, WE STAYED

STRONG. WE STAYED TOGETHER.
AND WE NEVER LOST WHO WE ARE.

BECAUSE WE ARE NEW
YORK. NEW YORK. NEW YORK.

AND NO MATTER HOW HARD THINGS
GET... WE ALWAYS GET THROUGH IT.

AND WE DO IT OUR WAY. EACH AND
EVERY ONE OF US PLAYED A PART.

FROM THE NURSES WHO KEPT US
SAFE... TO THE ESSENTIAL WORKERS WHO

KEPT FOOD ON OUR TABLE... TO ALL
THE NEIGHBORS WHO JUST PITCHED IN.

YES, SOME THINGS ARE DIFFERENT.
BUT MOST THINGS ARE EXACTLY

THE SAME. BEAUTIFUL.
UNBREAKABLE.

ONE OF A KIND. IF YOU'RE NOT FROM HERE,
COME SEE FOR YOURSELF.

THE MUSEUMS. THE
LANDMARKS. AND THIS LADY.

SORT OF A DANCING OLDER
WOMAN? NOT HOMELESS, JUST PERKY.

SHE HAS AN APARTMENT. SHE'S JUST
USUALLY OUTSIDE. LIKE A RENT CONTROLLED

SITUATION. SHE LIVES IN A 40-FLOOR WALK-UP,
SO ONCE SHE'S OUT,

SHE'S OUT. SHE LIVED IN A STUDIO
SINCE SHE WAS 16, WHICH WAS 30 OR 100

YEARS AGO. SHE'S NOT NOT
A PROFESSOR AT COLUMBIA.

UNTIL BROADWAY REOPENS SHE'S PERFORMING HER
ONE-WOMAN VERSION OF "THE LION KING" IN THE PARK

EVERY DAY. NEW YORK IS NOT
A GHOST TOWN. IT'S HIS TOWN.

IT'S HER TOWN. AND IT'S
DEFINITELY HER TOWN. THANK YOU!

SO TODAY WE WANT TO
SAY THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

BECAUSE NEW YORK WILL ALWAYS BE
NEW YORK. AND WE'RE SO PROUD TO SAY...

THE PEOPLE JUST CRAZY ENOUGH TO
CALL THIS PLACE HOME WILL ALWAYS BE HERE.

TO CALL THIS PLACE HOME WILL
ALWAYS BE HERE. I LOVE NEW YORK!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THE STROKES.

YOU'RE SOPHISTICATED THEY'RE
COMPLAININ' OVEREDUCATED *

* THEY ARE SAYING ALL ALL
THE WORDS I'M DREAMING

THEY WILL BLAME US OR CRUCIFY
AND SHAME US WE CAN'T HELP IT IF *

* WE ARE A PROBLEM WE ARE
TRYIN' HARD TO GET YOUR ATTENTION

I'M CLIMBIN' UP YOUR WALL ♪ CLIMBIN'
UP YOUR WALL DON'T GO THERE 'CAUSE

YOU'LL NEVER RETURN I KNOW YOU
THINK OF ME ♪ WHEN YOU THINK OF HER

BUT THEN IT DON'T MAKE SENSE
WHEN YOU'RE TRYIN' HARD *

* TO DO THE RIGHT THING BUT WITHOUT
RECOMPENSE AND THEN YOU DID SOMETHING

WRONG AND YOU ♪ SAID IT WAS
GREAT AND NOW YOU DON'T KNOW

HOW YOU COULD EVER
COMPLAIN ♪ BECAUSE YOU'RE ALL

CONFUSED 'CAUSE YOU WANT
ME TO BUT THEN YOU WANT ME *

YOU WERE SAYIN' ALL THE WORDS
I'M DREAMING ♪ NO MORE ASKIN'

QUESTIONS OR EXCUSES REVOLUTION'S
HERE HERE AND EVERYWHERE *

* DON'T GO THERE 'CAUSE YOU'LL
NEVER RETURN I KNOW YOU THINK OF ME

WHEN I THINK OF HER ♪ BUT THEN
IT DON'T MAKE SENSE WHEN YOU'RE

TRYIN' HARD TO DO THE RIGHT
THING ♪ BUT WITHOUT RECOMPENSE

AND THEN YOU DID SOMETHING
WRONG AND YOU SAID IT WAS GREAT *

* AND NOW YOU DON'T KNOW HOW YOU
COULD EVER COMPLAIN BECAUSE YOU'RE ALL

CONFUSED 'CAUSE ♪ YOU WANT
ME TO BUT THEN YOU WANT ME TO

DO IT THE SAME WAY AS
YOU AND BUT ♪ I DON'T I DON'T

WANT ANYTHING I KNOW IT'S
NOT IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT *

* I DON'T WANT ANYONE
ALWAYS I DO IT'S NOT FOR YOU *

STOCKHOLDERS. **
POWER IS FOR SALE.

IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST
AND MICHAEL CHE. GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.

WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE,"
I'M MICHAEL CHE. I'M COLIN JOST.

THE ELECTION IS THREE DAYS AWAY AND
TRUMP HAS FINALLY FOUND A WINNING MESSAGE.

YOU KNOW, OUR DOCTORS GET MORE MONEY IF
SOMEBODY DIES FROM COVID, YOU KNOW THAT, RIGHT?

YEAH, THAT'S OUR PRESIDENT,
RECENTLY SAVED BY DOCTORS,

SAYING DOCTORS WANT MORE COVID
FOR MONEY. WHEN MAKES ME THINK TRUMP

SURVIVED COVID TO SAVE MONEY ON
DOCTORS. MULTIPLE TRUMP SUPPORTERS

STRANDED AT A FREEZING COLD RALLY IN NEBRASKA
WERE HOSPITALIZED FROM HYPOTHERMIA, I

ASSUME BECAUSE TRUMP TOLD THEM
JACKETS DON'T WORK.

DON'T WORRY, THE PRESIDENT ISN'T TRYING TO
KILL SUPPORTERS, HE'S SUCCEEDING AT KILLING HIS

SUPPORTERS.
ACCORDING TO A NEW STUDY, AROUND

30,000 COVID CASES AND 700 DEATHS
HAVE BEEN TIED TO TRUMP RALLIES.

THAT MEANS HE'S OFFICIALLY KILLED MORE PEOPLE
ACROSS THE MIDWEST THAN JEFFREY DAHMER AND

JOHN WAYNE GACY COMBINED. WHICH IS
ALSO KIND OF WHAT TRUMP LOOKS LIKE.

I NEVER SAW A CANDIDATE TALKING TO
GILBERT GODFREY ABOUT WHAT TO DO IN ISRAEL.

THAT WOULD
BE INSULTING. RIGHT?

PLUS RAPPERS ARE WAY TOO BUSY TO BE LEADERS
ANYWAY. I MEAN, I LOVE ICE CUBE, BUT

YOU KNOW HOW MANY JOBS HE HAS ON
TOP OF NEGOTIATING FOR BLACK PEOPLE?

YOU KNOW WHY MALCOLM AND MARTIN WERE SUCH
GREAT LEADERS? BECAUSE THEY WEREN'T ALSO

WORKING ON "BARBERSHOP 4." EXPERTS SAY JOE BIDEN COULD

WIN IN GEORGIA IF HE CAN ASSEMBLE A COALITION
OF BLACK VOTERS, WHITE WOMEN, BASICALLY

"THE VOICE." JARED KUSHNER, WHO ALSO

LOOKS LIKE A CHILD DRESSED
UP FOR A FUNERAL...

JARED SAID MONDAY THAT BLACK AMERICANS HAVE
TO WANT TO HELP THEMSELVES IF THEY WANT TO

BE SUCCESSFUL. YEAH. I
DON'T KNOW IF I TRUST A GUY

WHO THINKS THE BLACK EXPERIENCE IS
THE HIGHEST TIER AT AMERICAN EXPRESS.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN WITH THIS

ELECTION, BECAUSE THE TENSION IS
KILLING ME. I DON'T NO WHAT THIS WORLD'S

GOING TO BE AFTER TUESDAY. I
MAY NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN, COLIN.

WE MIGHT BOTH GET DRAFTED
IN THE RACE WAR.

IT'S NOT FAIR. YOU JUST
MARRIED SCARLETT JOHANSSON.

I JUST BOUGHT A NEW ELECTRIC
BIKE.

WE'RE BOTH DOING EQUALLY GREAT. I FEEL LIKE THE BAND ON "THE

TITANIC." EVERYTHING'S GOING BAD
AND I'M UP HERE, LIKE, HEY, DID YOU HEAR

THE ONE ABOUT THE CONSTIPATED
ACCOUNTANT?

WAIT, WHAT ABOUT THE ONE ABOUT
THE CONSTIPATED ACCOUNTANT?

HE COULDN'T BUDGE IT SO HE
HAD TO WORK IT OUT WITH A PENCIL.

YOU
NEVER HEARD THAT? WHATEVER, MAN.

THE ELECTION IS ONLY THREE DAYS AND I'M A
LITTLE WORRIED, MAINLY BECAUSE OF THAT JOKE.

ALL I THINK AND BELIEVE IS
WE CANNOT DO ANOTHER FOUR YEARS OF

TRUMP. IT TOO IS MUCH.
EVERY DAY I WAKE UP AFTER TWO

HOURS OF SLEEP AND I GOOGLE "AMERICA,
STILL DEMOCRACY?"

EVEN IF YOU LIKE TRUMP, AT THIS POINT YOU HAVE
TO BE EXHAUSTED. REMEMBER THAT FRIEND YOU HAD WHO

AT 4:00 A.M. WOULD BE LIKE, YEAH, WHERE WE
GOING NEXT? YOU'RE LIKE, THIS IS FUN BUT IF

I KEEP HANGING OUT WITH THIS DUDE,
I'M GOING TO DIE.

RIGHT NOW IT FEELS LIKE TRUMP WANTS US TO DO
ANOTHER BUMP FROM WHATEVER HE GOT FROM HIS MUPPET

DOCTOR, JUST SEE WHERE THE NIGHT
TAKES US. I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU BUT I

THINK I'M CALLING A DESIGNATED
DRIVER.

I JUST REALLY HOPE HE ALSO
BRINGS THIS GUY WITH HIM. OH!

THAT'S
WHAT I DO! THAT'S WHAT I DO!

OKAY. IN
A BREAK FROM ELECTION

NEWS, SEASON 2 OF "THE MANDALORIAN"
PREMIERED ON DISNEY PLUS.

HERE TO DISCUSS IT IS THE STAR OF THE SHOW,
BABY YODA! I'M BACK!

WHAT? WELL, IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU,
BABY YODA, HOW YOU BEEN?

I BEEN GOOD, I BEEN GOOD. YOU KNOW, I SPENT
THE SUMMER QUARANTINING WITH MY HOMIES,

JAKE PAUL, MIA KHALIFA, AND WRECK-IT RALPH,
NICE DUDE. BUT YOU KNOW, IT WAS CHILL.

I MEAN... I'M JUST A BABY.
OOH! GOOD FOR YOU.

WELL, "THE MANDALORIAN" IS BACK, THAT'S PRETTY
EXCITING. SOUNDS LIKE IT'S GOING TO BE A

GOOD SEASON. YEAH, MAN. BUT,
SHOUT-OUT TO THE WRITERS,

YOU KNOW. THEY MAD AWKWARD TO BE
AROUND. BUT THEY COME UP WITH SOME FUEGO

IDEAS, BRO. I JUST WISH THEY'D LET ME
DANCE A LITTLE MORE, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M

SAYING? LIKE HEY, HEY, HEY! YEAH,
DOESN'T SEEM LIKE THAT

KIND OF SHOW. THE IDEA IS NO.
BUT TO MY FANS, I LOVE YOU ALL,

FOR REAL. BUT YOU KNOW... SOME OF
Y'ALL COULD MAYBE TAKE IT EASY ON

THOSE DMs, THOUGH, OKAY? I MEAN, I READ SOME OF THESE,

I'M LIKE,
DANG. YOU WANT TO DO WHAT TO BABY YODA?

OKAY, YOU KNOW... THAT'S ALL...
THAT'S INTERESTING. YOU KNOW?

THEY'RE ALL...
THEY'RE SEXUAL IN NATURE.

YEAH, I GOT IT, I GOT IT. IT SOUNDS
LIKE YOU'RE DEFINITELY A FAN FAVORITE.

YEAH, YOU KNOW, THINGS ARE KIND OF
BLOWING UP. YOU MIGHT HAVE HEARD ME ON JOE

ROGAN'S PODCAST TALKING ABOUT MY NEW LINE OF
CANNABIS PRODUCTS. THAT WAS A CHILL FIVE HOURS

RIGHT THERE. OH DAMN, BABY YODA,
YOU REALLY DO SMOKE WEED?

HELL YEAH. HOW
YOU THINK I GOT SO GREEN?

OOH! NO, BUT... YEAH,
FOR REAL. WE SELL A DEGO-BUD.

WOOKIE COOKIES. AND CBD
KOMBUCHA CALLED JABBA THE KABUCHA.

THAT'S VERY COOL. YEAH,
BUT MICHAEL, YOU KNOW,

SINCE I HAVE THIS PLATFORM,
I DO WANT TO SAY SOMETHING REAL QUICK.

BY ALL MEANS. I'M
GOING TO PUT IT LIKE THIS.

BABY GROOT, WE AIN'T FRIENDS. I KNOW YOU STILL TALKING SMACK

ABOUT ME. AND I JUST WANT TO SAY,
YOUR TIKTOKS ARE CRINGE, BRO.

MY BRO, LIKE, YOU SEE THIS? I WAS LIKE,
YEP. IT'S ALL LOVE.

I'M NOT A HATER. BUT IF YOU SAY MY NAME,
ONE MORE TIME, I'LL KILL YOU.

BABY YODA,
EVERYBODY.

TWITTER IS LAUNCHING A PROGRAM TO
PREBUNK MISINFORMATION POSTED ON THE

SITE. BUT I DON'T KNOW,
THEY TAUGHT US IN HEALTH CLASS THAT EVEN

PREBUNK CAN GET YOU PREGNANT. THE SENATE VOTED TO CONFIRM

AMY CONEY BARRETT ALONG PARTY
LINES. PARTY LINES IS ALSO WHAT DON JR.

DOES TO PREPARE FOR INTERVIEWS. PANERA
ANNOUNCED IT'S ADDING PIZZA TO THEIR MENU, WHICH

IS THE KIND OF FUN STORY YOUR AUNT WOULD HAVE
POSTED ON FACEBOOK BEFORE THEIR ALGORITHMS

MADE HER A WHITE SUPREMACIST. A NEW YORK
CITY POLICE OFFICER WAS SUSPENDED AFTER HE

USED HIS LOUD SPEAKER TO YELL "TRUMP
2020." ACCORDING TO NYPD GUIDELINES,

COPS CAN ONLY WHISPER "TRUMP 2020" AS THEY
CHOKE SOMEONE OUT. I THOUGHT THAT WAS A FUN ONE.

BUD LIGHT HAS ANNOUNCED NEW FLAVORS OF ITS
HARD SELTZERS FOR THE HOLIDAY SEASON, INCLUDING

APPLE CRISP, PEPPERMINT PATTY, AND
GINGERSNAP. SO IT'S HARD TO TASTE THE FLAVOR

WHEN YOU'RE SO DRUNK YOU REACH
FOR A BUD LIGHT PEPPERMINT PATTY.

HEY, GUYS. FUN TIP.

YOU CAN ALSO MAKE YOUR OWN BUD LIGHT PEPPERMINT
PATTY AT HOME BY COMBINING SCOPE AND VODKA.

PROSECUTORS HAVE FILED
SEVEN ADDITIONAL COUNTS OF SEXUAL

ASSAULT AGAINST PORN STAR RON JEREMY, WHO
NOW FACES A POSSIBLE 300 YEARS IN PRISON.

BUT IF ANYONE CAN LAST
THAT LONG...

IT'S RON JEREMY. HEY,
GUYS. A MAN IN TEXAS BUILT A ROBOT TO

HAND OUT CANDY TO TRICK-OR-TREATER
S HE CALLED IT THE SEX OFFENDER

LOOPHOLE 3000. FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE,"
I'M HEY, MAN.

HOW IS BUSINESS? WANT TO BUY THE
UNDERPANTS? ACTUALLY, YOU'RE RIGHT.

MAYBE I SHOULD
TRY THEM ON FIRST. **

TRY THEM ON? YOU WANT TO TAKE
THIS PAIR OF UNWASHED I LOVE NEW YORK

UNDERPANTS AND PUT THEM
ON YOUR NAKED BODY? YEAH.

DO YOU HAVE A FITTING ROOM OR
SOMETHING? OH, SURE, WE GOT A FITTING

ROOM. HEY, TIMES SQUARE MINIONS!
WHY DON'T YOU SHOW THIS GUY OUR

FITTING ROOM. THE BACK OF THE STORE
WHERE THE PEOPLE OF TIMES SQUARE HABITATE.

* MATT GOT... TONIGHT MANY A...
WILL FIGHT IF YOU TAKE A SELFIE *

* THEN YOU BETTER GIVE
US MONEY OR I'LL SHOW *

* YOUR DAUGHTER A KNIFE * AFTER SEEING THAT,
DO YOU STILL WANT TO BUY THE UNDERWEAR?

YEAH, I LOVE NEW YORK AND I WANT
MY MODEST BULGE TO SHOW THAT.

OF ALL THE ITEMS IN THE STORE,
HA HA, YOU SEE YOU MADE...

* ONE GREAT MISCALCULATION BUYING
FILTHY UNDERWEAR BUT WITH NO HESITATION *

* WE'LL NEST IN YOUR PUBIC
HAIR ONE MILLION NOVELTY ITEMS *

* AND HE CHOSE THOSE IT'D
BE LIKE SHOPPING AT ARBY'S *

* FOR PANTYHOSE ONE SKID MARK ON
THE INSIDE NOT THE ONLY STAIN I SEE *

* YOU'LL PROBABLY GET AN STD
SO RUN SOME YOU WOULD HAVE *

* TO BE PSYCHOTIC OR
TAKE A STRONG ANTIBIOTIC *

* DON'T BUY THOSE * [
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE DUDE.

THINGS SEEM REALLY BAD
IN TIMES SQUARE. YEAH.

WHEN DO YOU THINK THINGS ARE GOING TO
BOUNCE BACK? THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO KNOW.

SHRIMP LOUIS, THE BUBBA GUMP SHRIMP
MASCOT. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE STILL

HERE, DARLING. * WHERE HAVE
THEY GONE THE TOURISTS WHO CAME

WHO WILL EAT ALL ♪ OF MY
SHRIMP LIKE SPIKED LEMONADE *

* SEND IN THE CROWDS THOSE CONFUSED GERMAN
CROWDS ♪ WE MISS TKTS AND BAD SEATS FOR

KEEPS ♪ EVEN TIM HORTON'S
HAS CLOSED CANADIANS WEEP *

* WHERE ARE THE CROWDS I KISSED GROOT
WITHOUT CROWDS * I SEE ONE GUY ACROSS THE

STREET WITH BINOCULARS. OH, THAT'S NOT A
TOURIST, THAT'S THE DIDDLER ON THE ROOF.

* PEEK THROUGH MY LEGS * AND CALL IT MY
UNCUT GEM * THIS MUST BE WHY EVERYONE'S

MOVING TO CONNECTICUT OR NEW JERSEY
AND BUYING ONE-ROOM SHACKS FOR $900,000.

FOOLS! YOU DON'T GIVE
UP ON MY CITY THAT EASY.

* I LIVED THROUGH WARHOL I LIVED
THROUGH BETHENNY FRANKEL ♪ AND I'M HERE

DANCED FOR THE '86 METS AND BROKE MY ANKLE
BUT I'M HERE ♪ I LIVED THROUGH TIMES SQUARE

FILLED WITH WHORES ♪ NOW
HERE ON SEX AND THE CITY TOURS *

* MY FIRST APARTMENT WAS A DRAWER
BUT I'M HERE *

* I'VE BEEN TO NOBO NOHO AND CBCG BUT
I'M HERE ♪ ONCE ON THE PAT TRAIN I SWEAR

THAT I SAW ♪
SOON-YI BUT I'M HERE

STEPPED OVER BODIES ♪ DRAWN
IN CHALK I KNEW SON OF SAM

THE DOGS COULD TALK ♪ I
DO THE MARATHON BUT I WALK

AND I'M HERE ♪ I'M STILL
HERE *

OH, NO, LOOK WHO'S COMING OUR WAY,
THAT WOMAN FROM WESTCHESTER.

SHE HAS VISIBLE COVID. * THE MINUTE I
CROSSED THE BRIDGE I KNEW THAT NEW ROCHELLE

WOULD TRY AND PIN THE BLAME ON
ME ♪ SUPER-SPREADER SPREAD A LITTLE

RONA WITH ME * WE GOT TO GET AWAY FROM HER.

DON'T WORRY, THAT HOMELESS GUY STAYING AT
A NEARBY LUXURY HOTEL WILL CHASE HER OFF.

WHERE IS RICK MORANIS? OUT OF MY STORE,
OUT OF MY STORE.

THIS PLACE IS NUTS, MAN. I'D MOVE SOMEWHERE
ELSE BUT THIS WHOLE COUNTRY'S CRAZY.

I KNOW THIS COUNTRY SEEMS TERRIBLE
RIGHT NOW, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

MOVE. LOOK AT THESE UNDERPANTS.
REMEMBER THEY STARTED THIS WHOLE

THING? YOU REALIZE AMERICA
IS LIKE THESE UNDERPANTS?

BECAUSE... I GET IT. NO.

I KNOW YOU GET IT. LET ME
EXPLAIN IT TO THE REST OF US.

SURE, THESE UNDERPANTS ARE
RIDDLED WITH UGLINESS AND DISEASE.

BUT THEY STILL STAND
FOR SOMETHING. LOVE.

THAT'S WHY I DIDN'T WANT TO SELL
THEM. BECAUSE THEY GIVE ME HOPE.

AND I'M ESPECIALLY HOPEFUL
NOW. BECAUSE WE ONLY HAVE...

* THREE DAYS MORE THREE
MORE DAYS TO THE ELECTION *

* BUT THE RESULTS MAY TAKE
MONTHS ♪ IT FEELS LONGER THAN "THE

IRISHMAN" * BOY THAT MOVIE
NEEDED CUT ♪ THREE MORE DAYS

OF INSTAGRAMING ♪ THIRTY
SELFIES THAT... SO JUST PLEASE *

* JUST MAKE IT FAST NOVEMBER 3rd
ELECTION DAY NOVEMBER 3rd SO FAR AWAY *

* NOVEMBER 3rd A WEDNESDAY OR A TUESDAY
I'M NOT SURE ♪ I DON'T VOTE WHAT'S THE

MOSCOW 1972 ALWAYS SINGING
IN MY SLEEP ♪ I WILL LEAVE IT

IN MY DREAMS OH MAKING BAD
DECISIONS OH MAKING BAD DECISIONS *

* MAKING BAD DECISIONS FOR
YOU OH MAKING BAD DECISIONS

UH MAKING BAD DECISIONS ♪ UH-OH
MAKING BAD DECISIONS FOR YOU

PICK UP YOUR GUN PUT UP YOUR
GLOVES ♪ SAVE US FROM HARM

SAFE OR ALONE OH BABY I
HANG ON EVERYTHING YOU SAY *

* I WANNA WRITE DOWN EVERY
WORD BUT DO ME A FAVOR

WHEN YOU COME THROUGH ♪ WHEN I
LOOK AROUND DON'T WANNA SEE YOU

I DON'T TAKE ADVICE FROM
FOOLS ♪ NEVER LISTENING TO YOU

OH MAKING BAD DECISIONS OH MAKING
BAD DECISIONS OH MAKING BAD DECISIONS *

* WITH YOU OH MAKING BAD
DECISIONS UH MAKING BAD DECISIONS

UH MAKING BAD DECISIONS ♪
WITH YOU PICK UP YOUR GUN

YOU YOU YOU YOU WHOO ♪ I
CAN'T I CAN'T I CAN'T I CAN'T *

ALL RIGHT,
GOOD MEETING, GANG.

BEFORE WE GO, DOES ANYONE HAVE
ANYTHING ELSE THEY'D LIKE TO SHARE?

MAYBE OUR NEWEST INTERN, MY NEPHEW,
TYLER. NOPE, NOPE, I'M GOOD.

OKAY. DON'T DUMB-ASS ME AGAIN.
MY NEPHEW MEMES ME AND I'M

PISSED AGAIN. I'M SURE
THIS IS A MISUNDERSTANDING.

EXHIBIT "A." MY PROFILE PIC.
NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.

AN ADULT MAN LOOKING FOR A SMART, FUNNY
ADULT WOMAN. WHAT I SEE POSTED BY MY SWEET

NEPHEW? SWIPE RIGHT IF YOU
WANT BAD SEX.

YOU SEE THIS IS FUNNY? LOOK
AT ME. YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

WOMEN MIGHT THINK THIS IS TRUE, AND IT'S
NOT, I GET GREAT REVIEWS THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I AM SO SORRY,
NO ONE THOUGHT THIS WAS FUNNY. REALLY?

YOU ALL SEEMED TO LOVE THIS ONE. WHEN
YOU IN A SEX CULT BUT YOU STILL A VIRGIN.

LISTEN UP, IF I WAS IN A
SEX CULT AND NOT HAVING SEX, I WOULD

LEAVE,
TRUST ME. THAT IS GOOD.

LOOK AT ME, YOU DUNCE. WHEN YOU DO THIS,
IT SUCKS FOR ME.

LOOK AT THIS. HELLO, DARLING, YOU MAY
WHACK ME IN THE PENIS WITH A GOLF CLUB.

LIMP BISCUIT, HUH? HOW ABOUT THIS
ONE? THAT FEELING WHEN THE PRIEST PUT

HIS FINGERS IN YOUR MOUTH DURING
COMMUNION? WHAT AN AWFUL IMAGE, I HATE IT.

NEXT. OKAY,
THAT'S CREATIVE. IT'S NOT CREATIVE.

YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS? LIBEL. BUT HEY,
I GUESS THAT'S WHAT I

GET FOR THINKING LOVE IS POSSIBLE FOR A
GUY MY AGE. I WANTED TO FIND ROMANCE AGAIN,

IS THAT A CRIME? THEN WHY DOES YOUR
PROFILE SAY, ONLY INTERESTED IN 18 TO

24-YEAR-OLDS? EXCUSE ME?
THAT'S ONE OF THOSE DEFAULT

SETTINGS. NO, YOU WROTE IT OUT IN
TEXT. I MEAN IT, IF YOU 25 PLUS, DON'T

WASTE MY TIME, AND WHY DON'T YOU TELL
THEM WHAT WEBSITE YOU'RE ON, UNCLE RON?

SUGAR DADDIES LOOKING
FOR INMATES. I'M SORRY WHAT?

OKAY, IN MY DEFENSE, THEY'RE MUCH
EASIER TO CONTROL THAT WAY. MR. BRENNER!

THANK
YOU TO JIM CARREY, TO MAYA RUDOLPH!

TO THE STROKES! THANK YOU!

TO EVERYONE HERE THAT PUT ALL THIS
TOGETHER SO THAT WE COULD PUT ON A SHOW.

THIS IS THE GREATEST GIG IN THE
WORLD. AND TONIGHT WAS SO EXTRA

SPECIAL. THANK ALL OF YOU FOR
COMING AND THANK YOU FOR WATCHING!

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