Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 46, Episode 2 - full transcript

AND NOW THE THING THAT WILL

CHANGE EVERYONE'S MINDS.

THE VICE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE

I'M SUSAN PAGE AND I MISSED

BOOK CLUB FOR THIS

TONIGHT WE'LL BE DISCUSSING A

WHO CARES NUMBER OF TOPICS, EACH

LASTING I COULDN'T TELL YOU

MINUTES.

- BUT ONE THING IS FOR SURE, IF
- ANYTHING'S GOING TO BE TRENDING

- ON TWITTER TONIGHT, IT WILL BE
- ONE OF THE HUMANS INVOLVED IN



THIS DEBATE.

LET'S WELCOME THEM NOW

VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE.

AND SENATOR KAMALA HARRIS.

OH, THAT'S RIGHT!

THE SENATOR FROM CALIFORNIA IS

PRESENT.

THANK YOU, SENATOR.

TONIGHT YOU'LL NOTICE BETWEEN

THE CANDIDATES WE'VE INSTALLED

BUFFET-STYLE SNEEZE GUARDS, ON

ACCOUNT OF ONE OF YOU WORKS FOR

PATIENT ZERO

IT'S ACTUALLY FINE BY ME,



SUZANNE.

- 12 FEET APART AND SEPARATED BY
- PLEXIGLASS IS HOW MOTHER AND I

- SLEEP.
- MR. VICE PRESIDENT, MY FIRST

- QUESTION IS FOR YOU.
- THANK YOU

- THE TOPIC IS CORONAVIRUS.
- DAMMIT.

NOW, YOU WERE IN CHARGE OF

THE CORONAVIRUS TASK FORCE, AND

- SINCE YOU TOOK CHARGE, OVER
- 200,000 AMERICANS HAVE DIED.

HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THAT?

WELL, SUSAN, I'D LIKE TO

BEGIN BY STALLING, HARD.

WE'RE IN UTAH, WOW

WHAT A MAGNIFICENT STATE

EVEN THOUGH THEIR BASKETBALL

TEAM IS NAMED AFTER MY GREATEST

FEAR, JAZZ

- I YIELD THE REMAINDER OF MY
- TIME.

ALL RIGHT

SENATOR HARRIS

THIS IS WHAT THEY DO,

SUZANNE.

- THEY AVOID TAKING ANY
- RESPONSIBILITY -

- WE DO NOT.
- MR. VICE PRESIDENT, I'M

SPEAKING

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

- SPEAKING.
- WELL, I'M JUST TRYING -

STILL SPEAKING.

BUT I -

SEE, I'M SPEAKING

I'M SPEAKING RIGHT NOW, ARIZONA,

CALIFORNIA, SOME MART PARTS OF,

I'M SPEAKING.

I UNDERSTAND THAT.

I DON'T THINK YOU DO.

- I DO.
- BECAUSE YOU'RE TALKING AND

I'M SPEAKING

THIS ADMINISTRATION HAS

- CONSISTENTLY LIED TO US ABOUT
- THE VIRUS.

THEY SAID THEY WANTED TO KEEP US

CALM

- LET ME ASK THE AMERICAN PEOPLE
- THIS

HOW CALM WERE YOU WHEN YOU

DIDN'T KNOW WHERE YOU WERE GOING

- TO GET YOUR NEXT ROLL OF TOILET
- PAPER?

- HM
- HOW CALM WERE YOU WHEN YOU WERE

STARING AT THAT CARDBOARD TUBE

WHEN YOU FINISHED THE ROLL, AND

YOU THOUGHT, WELL, IT'S

TECHNICALLY PAPER?

AND HOW CALM WERE YOU WHEN EVEN

THAT TUBE WAS GONE AND YOU

LOOKED AT YOUR OLD T-SHIRTS AND

A PAIR OF SCISSORS AND THOUGHT,

ARE WE DOING THIS?

NOW, I'D LIKE TO HEAR THE VICE

PRESIDENT'S RESPONSE, AND WHILE

HE SPEAKS, I'M GOING TO SMILE AT

HIM LIKE I'M IN A TJ MAXX AND A

WHITE LADY ASKS ME IF I WORK

HERE

LOOK.

I PROMISE YOU THE PRESIDENT HAS

TAKEN THIS VIRUS SERIOUSLY SINCE

THE VERY BEGINNING OF LAST WEEK.

OKAY, SO NOW, SUSAN WHAT I'M

GOING TO DO IS I'M GOING TO

MORE OF A CLAIR HUXTABLE SIDE

EYE.

- PRESIDENT TRUMP PUTS THE
- HEALTH OF ALL AMERICANS WAY

AHEAD OF HIS OWN PERSONAL AND

FINANCIAL GAIN

- HM.
- OKAY, SO NOW WHAT I'M GOING TO

DO IS I'M GOING TO FIX MY FACE

SO YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M

- THINKING
- BUT EVERY BLACK WOMAN AT HOME

KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT I'M THINKING.

AND A FEW OF THE WHITE WOMEN

AND ALL OF THE GAYS.

BUT ENOUGH ABOUT COVID.

LET'S FOCUS ON THE TWO ISSUES

AMERICANS DO CARE ABOUT.

SWINE FLU AND FRACKING

IF ANYONE SHOULD BE TALKING

ABOUT FRACKING, IT'S MY GUY, JOE

BIDEN.

JOE BIDEN FRACS IN HIS FREE

TIME

JOE BIDEN WILL FRACK YOU SO

GOOD, PENNSYLVANIA

- AND WHILE I PERSONALLY WANTED TO
- BAN FRACKING, NOW THAT I KNOW

PENNSYLVANIA LOVES IT, I JUST

WANT TO SAY THIS

YOUS GOISE CAN BET ON YOUR WAWA

CHEESESTEAK HOAGIE AND ALL THE

WATER IN THE SCHUYLKILL RIVER ON

BIDEN FRACKING, AND GO EAGLES.

- MR. VICE PRESIDENT, I HAVE TO
- ASK THIS

- WHAT IS THE CURRENT HEALTH OF
- PRESIDENT TRUMP?

THANK YOU FOR ASKING, SUSAN

OH, I WASN'T ASKING OUT OF

SYMPATHY, MIKE, I WAS ASKING

I'VE A SIMMERING RAGE FOR HIS

INCOMPETENCE AND A SADISTIC HOPE

THAT HE IS NOT WELL.

UNFORTUNATELY FOR YOU, THEN,

THE PRESIDENT IS DOING AMAZING

THANKS TO HIS TEAM OF TERRIFIED

DOCTORS.

- AS YOU HEARD FROM HIS PRIMARY
- PHYSICIAN, DR. HANDSOME LIAR,

TRUMP IS IN PEAK PHYSICAL

CONDITION.

- UH-HUH.
- AND TO BE CLEAR, WHAT

- IS
- MEDICATIONS HAS THE PRESIDENT

- TAKEN?
- ALMOST NONE, SUSAN.

- HE'S TAKEN ASPIRIN, WHICH HE'S
- ALWAYS TAKEN

AN INJECTION OF EXPERIMENTAL

MONOCLONAL ANTIBODIES.

A MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE AMOUNT

OF STEROIDS.

A WOMAN'S PROBIOTIC FOR BALANCE.

60 CCs OF HELIUM INTO HIS SKULL

SO HIS HEAD DOESN'T FALL OVER ON

TV

SO LIKE A BALLOON HEAD?

THAT'S CORRECT.

LIKE A BALLOON HEAD, YES

HE'S ALSO TAKING VIAGRA FOR

MORALE, AND SOME HORNY GOAT WEED

HE BOUGHT AT A GAS STATION,

BECAUSE THE PRESIDENT BELIEVES

IN MEDICINE.

- UNLIKE SENATOR HARRIS, WHO SAID
- SHE WOULDN'T EVEN TAKE A

VACCINE.

IF DR. FAUCI SAYS A VACCINE

IS GOOD, I WILL BE THE FIRST IN

LINE LIKE IT'S AN ANN TAYLOR

SAMPLE SALE.

BUT IF TRUMP SAYS IT'S SAFE, I

- WILL THROW THAT VACCINE IN THE
- TRASH LIKE LASTWEEK'S SHRIMP

PAD THAI

BESIDES, MAMA'S GOT ALL THE

- VACCINE SHE NEEDS RIGHT HERE
- SENATOR HARRIS, IF ELECTED,

WOULD YOU PACK THE SUPREME

COURT?

SUSAN, INSTEAD OF ANSWERING

THAT EXACT QUESTION, I'D LIKE TO

- TELL YOU THE STORY OF WHEN JOE
- PICKED ME TO BE HIS RUNNING

MATE

JOE TOLD ME WE WERE JUST GOING

- OUT FOR DINNER
- THEN HE GOT DOWN ON ONE KNEE

THAT'S WHEN I KNEW

THAT HE NEEDED HELP UP

AFTER THAT, HE GATHERED HIMSELF

AND SAID, "KA-MAH-LA, LET'S DO

THIS.

AND I SAID, "IT'S KAMALA.

AND HE SAID, "I WILL NEVER, EVER

GET THAT RIGHT.

- THAT'S VERY SWEET
- AND VICE PRESIDENT PENCE, HOW

DID PRESIDENT TRUMP ASK YOU?

HE TEXTED ME.

- OH MY GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE THOSE
- RELIGIOUS PSYCHOS MADE ME PICK

- PENCE.
- THEN HE TEXTED, OOPS, WRONG

PERSON

HE HASN'T TEXTED ME SINCE.

OH, EXCEPT IN MARCH HE WROTE,

CORONAVIRUS, YOURS NOW

- AND I'M SORRY, WHAT DID YOU
- DO TO STOP THAT VIRUS?

- BECAUSE JOE BIDEN AND I HAVE A
- PLAN -

- OH, LIKE SWINE FLU?
- WHAT?

SWINE FLU

2 MILLION DEAD

2 MILLION

IF YOU INCLUDE THE SWINE.

THOSE POOR LITTLE PIGGIES.

OKAY, THIS FOOL'S UP HERE

TALKING ABOUT DEAD PIGS.

LORD LOVE A DUCK.

KAMALA CAN'T GET A WORD IN

EDGEWISE

- THIS JOKER DROPS MORE ROAD
- APPLES THAN A BULL EATING A BRAN

- MUFFIN
- CALM DOWN, JOE, IT'S OKAY

NO, IT'S NOT, JILL.

I NEED TO DO SOMETHING

I NEED TO TELEPORT TO THAT

DEBATE AND SAVE THE SOUL OF THIS

NATION

WHOA, GOT UP TOO FAST.

SIR, THE TELEPORTATION

MACHINE'S NOT READY YET.

- IT NEEDS AT LEAST SIX MORE
- MONTHS

YOU HEARD HIM, JOE, IT'S TOO

DANGEROUS.

AND WHAT ABOUT COVID PROTOCOLS

DON'T WORRY, I'LL WEAR A

MASK

ON MY EYES

AND THAT IS HOW PRESIDENT

TRUMP WILL MAKE THE ECONOMY

BETTER BY MAKING IT WORSE.

I'M SORRY TO INTERRUPT, VICE

- PRESIDENT PENCE.
- THERE'S A...

- WAR ON POLICE IN THIS
- COUNTRY?

I COULDN'T AGREE MORE.

NO, NO, THERE'S A... UM...

THERE'S A GIANT...

LACK OF RESPECT FOR MILITIAS?

YOU'RE DARN RIGHT.

NO.

SENATOR HARRIS, HELP ME OUT.

OH, NO, I'M GOOD.

LOOKING REAL GOOD, MIKE, KEEP IT

UP

LET ME AT HIM

LET ME AT HIM!

MR. VICE PRESIDENT, DO YOU

- NOT FEEL THAT AT ALL
- I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I FEEL,

SUSAN.

I FEEL FOR THE BUSINESSES THAT

ARE GOING TO BE CRIPPLED BY JOE

BIDEN'S TAX CUTS

YES, YES.

YOUR ECONOMY IS SO IN THE

- TOILET
- I WANT TO LAY MY EGGS ON IT.

WHAT, WHAT

OH, NO, THERE MUST HAVE BEEN

- A FLY IN THE TELEPORTATION
- MACHINE.

THAT'S WHY JOE TURNED INTO A

FLY.

YEAH, BUT THAT DOESN'T

EXPLAIN WHY HE SOUNDS LIKE JEFF

GOLDBLUM

GOD CREATED DINOSAURS

DINOSAURS BECOME REPUBLICANS

REPUBLICANS CREATE TRUMP

TRUMP DESTROYS GOD

HM

- OH, NO.
- NOW HE'S GONE FULL GOLDBLUM.

EVEN HAS THE GLASSES.

THE MOST POPULAR PLACE TO FIND A

PLACE.

- NO, NO - YES, YES

BECAUSE LIFE FINDS A WAY

MR. VICE PRESIDENT?

YES

MR. VICE PRESIDENT, THERE'S

- ANOTHER ONE.
- ANOTHER ANTIFA RALLY?

NO SURPRISE THERE.

OH, HONEY, AT THIS POINT I'M

JUST ENJOYING THE SHOW

MAN, WHAT KIND OF NONSENSE IS

MIKE PENCE TRYING TO PULL?

DO TELL, DO TELL.

WAIT... I'M SORRY... FRIEND, YOU

LOOK FAMILIAR.

WELL, I BETTER.

I'M HERMAN CAIN.

REINCARNATED AS A DAMN FLY

AND THESE FOOLS, TRUMP AND

PENCE, KILLED ME, MAN.

THEY INVITED ME TO A RALLY WITH

NO MASK AND SAID, EVERYTHING'S

FINE, HERMAN

I TELL CORONA, IT DON'T TELL ME,

EVERYTHING IS FINE, HERMAN

THE WHITE HOUSE DOCTORS CHECK ME

OUT, EVERYTHING'S FINE, HERMAN

THREE DAYS LATER, I GET IT

IF YOU'RE WATCHING THIS AT HOME,

DON'T TRUST THIS WHITE DEVIL

ABOUT THAT RONA.

- VICE PRESIDENT PENCE, I... I
- THINK ONE OF YOUR FLIES IS

SCREAMING AT YOU

GONNA GIVE YOU THE RONA

- OKAY, I THINK WE NEED TO SHUT
- THIS DEBATE DOWN FOR THE GOOD OF

HUMANITY

SENATOR HARRIS, WOULD YOU LIKE

TO DO WHAT EVERYONE AT HOME

WANTS TO DO?

OH, I WOULD

FLIES, ANYTHING ELSE YOU

WOULD LIKE TO ADD?

AM I DYING AGAIN?

- BE AFRAID - BE VERY AFRAID

AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

SATURDAY NIGHT

IT'S "SATURDAY

NIGHT LIVE.

WITH -

BECK BENNETT

AIDY BRYANT,

MICHAEL CHE,

PETE DAVIDSON,

MIKEY DAY,

HEIDI GARDNER,

COLIN JOST

KATE McKINNON,

ALEX MOFFAT,

KYLE MOONEY,

EGO NWODIM

CHRIS REDD

CECILY STRONG,

KENAN THOMPSON

MELISSA VILLASENOR

FEATURING...

ANDREW DISMUKES,

CHLOE FINEMAN,

LAUREN HOLT,

MIKEY JOHNSON,

BOWEN YANG

MUSICAL GUEST JACK WHITE

AND YOUR HOST, BILL BURR

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BILL BURR!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

THANK YOU

- THANK YOU SO MUCH.
- THANK YOU.

I AM SO... I AM SO EXCITED TO BE

HERE

I HAVE BEEN DOING STANDUP

FOREVER.

AND THIS HAS ALWAYS BEEN A

LIFELONG DREAM OF MINE TO COME

- AND HOST "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE.
- SO THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING

OUT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

COMING OUT DURING THESE

DIFFICULT TIMES.

YOU GOT TO LOOK LIKE SURGEONS

WITH YOUR MASKS ON

- MAKES ME FEEL COMFORTABLE THAT
- YOU'RE WEARING MASKS

- I LIKE PEOPLE WHO WEAR MASKS
- THAT'S GOOD.

- YOU'RE LISTENING TO THE
- EGGHEADS

THE PEOPLE WE ALL CHEATED OFF OF

IN HIGH SCHOOL, RIGHT?

KEEP LISTENING TO THEM

AND THEN IF YOU DON'T WEAR A

MASK, THAT DOESN'T BUG ME

EITHER, RIGHT?

TAKE OUT YOUR GRAND PARENTS.

YOU KNOW

TAKE OUT YOUR WEAK COUSIN WITH

THE ASTHMA, I DON'T CARE

IT'S YOUR DECISION

THERE'S TOO MANY PEOPLE.

IT'S A DREAM COME TRUE

IF YOU'RE THAT DUMB AND YOU WANT

TO KILL YOUR OWN FAMILY MEMBERS,

BY ALL MEANS, DO IT.

- STOPS YOU FROM REPRODUCING
- IT'S LITERALLY A DREAM COME

TRUE

AND SPEAKING OF DREAMS COME

TRUE... DID YOU SEE RICK MORANIS

GOT SUCKER PUNCHED ON THE UPPER

WEST SIDE?

NEW YORK IS BACK, BABY

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

NEW YORK IS BACK, YES!

WE LOST OUR X-FACTOR FOR A

MINUTE

CITY STARTED LOOKING LIKE A

GIANT BED, BATH & BEYOND

- THEN BAM
- RICKY TOOK ONE IN THE CHOPS.

- IT HAD TO HAPPEN
- THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU

STICK AN M&Ms STORE IN TIMES

SQUARE, ALL RIGHT?

THE UNIVERSE HAS TO BALANCE

ITSELF

GET THE PEEP SHOWS BACK IN TIMES

SQUARE, OLD PEOPLE CAN WALK

SAFELY 40 BLOCKS AWAY.

I DON'T KNOW

I'LL PROBABLY GET CANCELED FOR

DOING THAT, YOU KNOW, HOW STUPID

THAT IS CANCELED THING

THEY'RE LITERALLY RUNNING OUT OF

- PEOPLE TO CANCEL
- THEY'RE GOING AFTER DEAD PEOPLE

- NOW.
- THEY'RE TRYING TO CANCEL JOHN

WAYNE.

IT'S LIKE, GOD DID THAT 40 YEARS

AGO.

THEY'RE ALL UP IN ARMS

THEY'RE LIKE DID YOU HEAR WHAT

HE SAID IN THAT INTERVIEW IN

"PLAYBOY" IN 1970?

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT

IT'S LIKE, YEAH.

HE WAS BORN IN 1907.

THAT'S WHAT THESE PEOPLE SOUNDED

LIKE

YOU NEVER TALKED TO YOUR

GRANDPARENTS AND BROUGHT UP THE

- WRONG SUBJECT?
- ALL OF A SUDDEN THEY WENT OFF

THE RAILS?

LIKE OH, GOD

KEEP MAKING THE COOKIES.

YEAH, DON'T BRING UP RACE OR

RELIGION WITH YOUR GRANDPARENTS.

YOU KEEP IT SIMPLE

ANYWAY, I DON'T KNOW

I KNOW, I GET... MY GRANDPARENTS

ARE OLDER, I DON'T KNOW.

PLOWING AHEAD.

PLOWING AHEAD, LET'S TALK...

LET'S TALK WHITE WOMEN HERE,

SHALL WE

LET'S TALK WHITE WOMEN

- AMAZING.
- AMAZING YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS

OVER THE LAST FEW YEARS.

THE WAY WHITE WOMEN SOMEHOW

HIJACKED THE WOKE MOVEMENT

GENERALS AROUND THE WORLD SHOULD

BE ANALYZING THIS.

TO REFRESH YOUR MEMORY, THE WOKE

- MOVEMENT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE
- ABOUT PEOPLE OF COLOR.

NOT GETTING OPPORTUNITIES.

FINALLY MAKING THAT HAPPEN

- IT WAS ABOUT THAT, FOR ABOUT
- EIGHT SECONDS.

THEN SOMEHOW, WHITE WOMEN SWUNG

THEIR GUCCI-BOOTED FEET OVER THE

- FENCE OF OPPRESSION AND STUCK
- THEMSELVES AT THE FRONT OF THE

LINE

I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY DID IT

- I'VE NEVER HEARD SO MUCH
- COMPLAINING IN MY LIFE FROM

WHITE WOMEN.

I'M HURT

WITH MY SUV AND HEATED SEATS

YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT'S LIKE

TO BE ME

TRASHING WHITE GUYS.

- THE NERVE.
- WHERE'S THE CAMERA

THE NERVE OF YOU WHITE WOMEN

I DON'T WANT TO SPEAK ILL OF MY

BITCHES HERE, OKAY

- I KNOW
- LET'S GO BACK IN HISTORY HERE,

OKAY

YOU GUYS STOOD BY US TOXIC WHITE

MALES THROUGH CENTURIES OF OUR

CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY.

YOU ROLLED AROUND IN THE BLOOD

MONEY.

- OCCASIONALLY WHEN YOU WANTED TO
- SNEAK OFF AND HOOK UP WITH A

BLACK DUDE, IF YOU GOT CAUGHT,

YOU SAID IT WASN'T CONSENSUAL.

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT YOU DID!

THAT'S WHAT YOU DID!

SO WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP, SIT

DOWN NEXT TO ME, AND TAKE YOUR

TALKING-TO

THANK YOU.

SO, I HAVEN'T BEEN IN NEW YORK

FOR ABOUT A YEAR, YOU KNOW

- I WAS HERE LAST YEAR, SHOOTING A
- MOVIE.

HAD A GREAT TIME WITH JUDD

APATOW, PETE DAVIDSON, AND ALL

- THE GUYS
- [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

YES, HAD A GREAT TIME.

AND I HAVEN'T BEEN HERE IN LIKE

- 13 YEARS
- I IMMEDIATELY NOTICED HOW EXTRA

CROWDED THE CITY WAS

I WAS GETTING CLAUSE TRO PHOBIC.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

PEOPLE NOT USING SAFE SEX,

- MAKING ALL THESE BABIES, YOU
- KNOW

SO I FINALLY WALKED UP TO THIS

NEW YORK DOOR GUY, WHAT'S GOING

- ON
- WHAT'S WITH ALL THESE PEOPLE

- HE'S LIKE, OH, NO, DON'T WORRY,
- IT'S JUNE.

HE GOES, IT'S PRIDE MONTH.

AND I'M LIKE, WHAT'S THAT?

- YOU KNOW
- I'M 52, NEVER HEARD OF IT,

RIGHT?

DIDN'T HAVE THAT WHEN I WAS A

KID.

HE GOES, GAY PRIDE MONTH

AND I WAS JUST LIKE, OOOH!

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE JUST STUCK

IN THE MATRIX AND YOU CAN'T...

EVERYTHING'S PRESSED UP, YOU

- CAN'T SEE ANYTHING
- SOMEBODY GIVES YOU THAT NUGGET

- OF INFORMATION THAT PULLS IT
- BACK

WHY'S IT SO CROWDED?

IT'S GAY PRIDE MONTH

OH

TANK TOPS!

ZERO PERCENT BODY FAT!

TWO GUYS KISSING

RAINBOW FLAGS!

AAH!

- I DIDN'T KNOW THAT
- THAT'S WHAT I LEARNED.

THE MONTH OF JUNE IS GAY PRIDE

MONTH.

THAT'S A LITTLE LONG, DON'T YOU

THINK?

FOR A GROUP OF PEOPLE THAT WERE

NEVER ENSLAVED

HOW DID THEY GET ALL OF JUNE

THE BLACK PEOPLE WERE ACTUALLY

ENSLAVED, THEY GET FEBRUARY.

THEY GET 28 DAYS OF OVERCAST

- WEATHER.
- SUN GOES DOWN AT 4:00 IN THE

- AFTERNOON.
- EVERYBODY'S SHIVERING.

NOBODY WANTS TO GO ON THE

PARADE

- HOW ABOUT YOU HOOK THEM UP WITH
- JULY

THESE ARE EQUATOR PEOPLE

GIVE THEM THE SUN FOR 31 DAYS.

THERE'S GAY BLACK PEOPLE, THEY

COULD CELEBRATE FROM JUNE 1st,

JUNE 31st, 61 DAYS TO CELEBRATE.

THAT'S MY TIME

- WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
- GUYS, EVERYBODY.

JACK WHITE IS HERE

EA SCKROD, E' BAZING.

PLSETI AUN WLLE

RIGHT BACK

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR DOING

THIS, IT'S SO NICE TO HAVE A

REASON TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE

WE METHOD WE COULD AT LEAST

GET TOGETHER OUT HERE SO WE CAN

SOCIAL DISTANCE ON THE DECK.

- AS MUCH AS WE WANT TO SEE
- PEOPLE I KNOW IT'S

- NERVE-RACKING.
- JEANNIE AND DON, WE HAVEN'T

SEEN YOU THIS WHOLE TIME

YEAH, I KNOW, WE'VE BEEN

- REALLY, REALLY DEEP IN OUR
- BUBBLE

YOU'RE THE FIRST PEOPLE WE'VE

SEEN IN SIX MONTHS

I HOPE WE REMEMBER HOW

YEAH, I'M ACTUALLY A LITTLE

FREAKED OUT SEEING PEOPLE IN 3D,

I'M GLAD WE DID THIS

- YEAH, ME TOO.
- SUCH A WEIRD TIME

- IT REALLY IS.
- IT'S A CLICHE, BUT IT'S

UNPRESIDENTED.

HA HA, THAT'S FUNNY

THAT IS FUNNY

WHAT?

WHAT'S FUNNY

YOU SAID UNPRESIDENTED.

AS A JOKE.

LIKE WE DON'T HAVE A PRESIDENT

- OH, NO.
- I JUST... I SAID THE WORD.

YEAH, LIKE THEY SAY AT THE

BEGINNING OF EVERY COMMERCIAL,

IN THESE UNPRESIDENTED TIMES

IN THESE UNPRESIDENTED TIMES

YOU NEED SNICKERS OR WHATEVER.

OH, OKAY.

I GUESS WE HAD IT CONFUSED.

YEAH, BECAUSE THE WORD IS

- ACTUALLY -
- YOU DON'T HAVE TO ACTUALLY DO

- THAT
- WELL, I WOULD WANT TO KNOW...

YOU CAN LET IT GO

I'M SORRY -

LET WHAT GO

NO, IT'S JUST THE WORD YOU'RE

THINKING OF IS UNPRECEDENTED

IS IT REALLY?

UNPREC... UNPRECEDENTED?

UNPRECEDENTED

OKAY

I GUESS... I GUESS WE SAID

THAT WRONG

UNPRECEDENTED, OKAY, THANK

YOU.

YES

- UNPREC... UNPRECEDENTED?
- THANK YOU.

- WELL... YOU KNOW WHAT'S
- UNPRECEDENTED?

THESE WINGS.

OH, DO YOU LIKE THEM?

I BAKED THEM

YEAH, I ACTUALLY THINK THEY

- TASTE BETTER THAN WHEN THEY'RE
- FRIED...

- I'M SORRY WE SAID THE WORD
- WRONG!

- I'M SORRY, WHAT, WHAT
- HAPPENED

I'M SORRY WE SAID THE WORD

WRONG IN YOUR HOUSE, OR THE...

ON YOUR DECK, SORRY, WE'RE ON

THE DECK

IT... IT WAS NOTHING...

WATCH IT, JEANNIE, DON'T SAY

- YOU'RE ON THE HOUSE WHEN WE'RE
- ON THE DECK, YOU WOULDN'T WANT

TO SAY THE WRONG PLACE

WE MADE SO MANY MISTAKES

TONIGHT AND I'M SORRY!

SORRY

SORRY WE HAD THE NERVE TO MAKE

SO MANY MISTAKES ON YOUR DECK!

- DON'T GET UPSET, IT'S... IT'S
- NOTHING.

- YEAH, YOU KNOW, THE OTHER DAY
- I SAID DUA LIPPY INSTEAD OF DUA

LIPA -

WE HAVE NOT BEEN OUT OF THAT

HOUSE IN SIX MONTHS.

WE'VE HAD HOW MANY COVID

- SCARCE - I DON'T KNOW, I -

- 20, 20!
- I GET FEVERS, I DON'T EVEN

KNOW WHY, OKAY

SO SORRY IF WE'RE A LITTLE ON

EDGE, IT'S JUST WHERE WE'RE AT

OKAY, THIS IS JUST OUR NOON

NORMAL

OKAY

NEW NORMAL?

WHAT?

- DON'T CORRECT HIM, YOU AIN'T
- GOT TO CORRECT HIM -

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

WHAT DID YOU SAY

I SAID NEW NORMAL.

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

THE PHRASE IS NEW NORMAL.

HE SAID NOON NORMAL

NO, I KNOW.

BUT IT'S NEW NORMAL.

WHAT IS NOON NORMAL?

YOU KNOW, IT'S WHEN... IT'S

WHEN THE DAY'S GOING GREAT, AND

AROUND NOONTIME, IT JUST... I

- DON'T KNOW - GOOD GOD

WE ARE ALL WE HAVE!

WE ONLY SEE EACH OTHER, EVERY

- DAY!
- THINGS GET REPEATED

OUR BRAINS GET CONFUSED!

WE DON'T HAVE A DECK!

WE DON'T HAVE OUTDOOR LIGHTS

WE DON'T HAVE BAKED WINGS!

- WE'RE NOT RICH
- WE DRINK OUR MONEY, OKAY?

OUR MONEY GOES TO DRINKS!

GOOD JESUS!

I'M SORRY

I... I HAVE KICKED THE WINGS

I'M SORRY.

YEAH, I... I MIGHT HAVE

BROKEN A GLASS

AND... I THINK SHE BROKE ONE

TOO, SO WE OWE YOU TWO GLASSES,

ALL RIGHT?

FOR ALL INTENT AND PORPOISES,

I'M SORRY.

I'M SORRY WE'RE BAD

JEANNIE, DON, CALM DOWN, COME

ON

IT'S OKAY.

- THE WORLD IS REALLY STRESSFUL
- RIGHT NOW.

- YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SORRY FOR
- ANYTHING

MY WINGS ARE EVERYWHERE,

BUT THE IMPORTANT THING IS THAT

WE'RE TOGETHER

AND WE'RE SAFE.

- AND HEALTHY.
- YEAH, YEAH.

AND THANK GOD NO ONE HAS COVID.

I THINK YOU MEAN COVIN.

WE'RE GOING TO RUN OUT OF

GLASSES.

- YOU KNOW, THAT'S RIGHT.
- IT IS COVIN.

I MEANT TO SAY COVIN

HERE'S TO THE END OF COVIN!

GOOD MORNING

WELCOME TO "THE BLITZ.

I'M MICHELLE COMPTON

WITH ME AS ALWAYS IS HALL OF

FAME RECEIVER KEVIN "CASH"

DOZIER AND THE INCOMPARABLE GILL

SCOTT.

HOW ARE YOU GENTLEMEN?

WELL, I'VE BEEN BETTER,

MICHELLE

I AM FIRED UP, MICHELLE, HOW

- HOW ABOUT THEM BEARS
- I SEE GILL IS EXCITED TO TALK

- ABOUT CHICAGO'S WIN OVER
- TAMPA...

NO, NO, THAT WASN'T JUST A

WIN, THAT WAS A STATEMENT TO THE

REST OF THE NFL.

AND I SPECIFICALLY REMEMBER MY

ESTEEMED COLLEAGUE, MR. HALL OF

FAMER HERE NOT ONLY CALLED ME A

STUPID IDIOT FOR BELIEVING IN

CHICAGO, BUT YOU EVEN BET ME A

STEAK DINNER AT LOMBARDO'S THAT

THEY'D LOSE.

DON'T TRY WEASELING OUT OF IT

LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO.

- GILL SEEMS VERY HAPPY HERE.
- I AM MORE THAN HAPPY.

LAST NIGHT WAS THE BEST NIGHT OF

MY LIFE.

- I'M GOING TO PUT MY BEARS GEAR
- ON HERE.

I HAVEN'T EATEN ALL DAY TO MAKE

ROOM FOR THAT STEAK YOU OWE ME,

BUDDY.

I SEE MR. QUIET OVER THERE

- DOESN'T HAVE MUCH TO SAY, DO
- YOU, HUH

LOOKING LIKE YOU'RE GOING TO CRY

OR SOMETHING

- HUH?
- NO, I DIDN'T... I DIDN'T

- ACTUALLY WATCH THE GAME.
- I BET YOU DIDN'T BECAUSE YOU

OWE ME A STEAK

AS I WAS SAYING, I DIDN'T

WATCH THE GAME AFTER HEARING

ABOUT KAREEM JENKINS, THE BLACK

- MAN WHO WAS SHOT BY POLICE LAST
- NIGHT.

- IT WAS A TERRIBLE TRAGEDY.
- YEAH.

ME NEITHER, KEVIN.

FOOTBALL, SPORTS IN GENERAL,

EVERYTHING JUST FEELS SO SMALL

AFTER YESTERDAY'S TRAGEDY.

- YEAH, I TOTALLY AGREE,
- MICHELLE

- ALL I COULD WATCH WAS THE NEWS
- COVERAGE OF THE ONGOING PROTESTS

AND RIOTS.

OH, YEAH.

- THAT SPEECH FROM HIS PARENTS WAS
- TRULY HEARTBREAKING.

YEAH, YEAH.

I MEAN... THAT WAS TRULY... THAT

- WAS HEARTBREAKING.
- BUT GILL, SINCE YOU WATCHED

THE GAME LAST NIGHT...

I MEAN, I... I WATCHED... I

WATCHED SOME OF THE GAME

BUT I WAS... I WAS FLIPPING BACK

- AND FORTH BETWEEN THE NEWS
- BUT I WAS MOSTLY WATCHING THE

NEWS

WELL, YOU'RE A STRONGER MAN

- THAN I AM, GILL, BECAUSE I
- COULDN'T STOMACH ONE SECOND OF

- FOOTBALL LAST NIGHT.
- I WENT OUT AND SPOKE WITH

SOME PROTESTERS...

JUST TO BE CLEAR, THERE WAS A

TICKER SCORE AT THE BOTTOM OF

THE NEWS

THAT'S WHAT I WAS WATCHING

YOU KNOW WHAT, I THINK I SHOULD

- TAKE THIS CRAP OFF.
- I'M SORRY TO CUT YOU OFF,

- GILL
- I JUST HAVE TO SAY THIS INTO THE

CAMERA

AS A BLACK MAN, I WANT TO KNOW,

WHEN THIS IS ALL GOING TO STOP

NO, NO, NOT NOW -

- I'M SO SORRY TO STOP YOU,
- KEVIN, BUT THERE'S SOMETHING

- GOING ON HERE.
- OKAY.

THIS IS AWKWARD.

BUT... YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT THAT

- KEVIN MIGHT WELCH ON OUR STEAK
- BET LIKE HE ALWAYS DOES, SO I

THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUN TO HAVE

LOMBARDO'S SEND THIS TO THE

- I'M SORRY.
- PLEASE, PLEASE CONTINUE.

AND FOR THE BIG BABY?

THAT'S MY FAULT, THAT'S MY

- FAULT.
- WHAT IS THIS?

IT'S... IT'S A BABY BOTTLE.

BECAUSE I... I THOUGHT YOU WERE

GOING TO MAKE EXCUSES FOR THE

BUCS LOSING.

IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY.

FRESH CRACKED PEPPER, SIR

- WHAT?
- NO, THAT'S FINE...

FRESH CRACKED PEPPER FOR YOUR

STEAK?

- I DON'T WANT THIS, I DON'T
- WANT THIS.

IS IT NOT THE RIGHT

TEMPERATURE?

- I CAN TELL BY LOOKING AT IT
- IT'S PERFECT

JUST GET IT OUT OF HERE.

FINISH WHAT YOU WERE SAYING

WHILE GILL ENJOYS HIS JUICY

STEAK.

YEAH, SO AS I WAS SAYING, AS

A BLACK MAN, I AM SICK AND TIRED

OF ASKING... HEY... IS THAT A

FILTER ON ME

OKAY, I... I TOLD THE BOOTH

TO DO THAT... CUT IT OUT, GUYS,

PLEASE

YOU KNOW, I... JUST GET THIS

- STUPID STEAK OUT OF HERE,
- PLEASE.

- SORRY ABOUT THIS I'LL THROW
- IT RIGHT OUT

- JUST WRAP IT UP OR SOMETHING.
- IT'S NO PROBLEM, WE CAN THROW

IT AWAY.

PLEASE GET RID OF IT.

- WELL, MIGHT AS WELL WRAP IT UP,
- NOW THAT YOU HAVE IT.

OKAY, WHATEVER YOU WANT.

KEEP IT OUT IN THE OPEN

LOOK, I JUST WANT TO SAY, OKAY

WHAT HAPPENED...

- WHY DON'T YOU JUST EAT THE
- STEAK, GILL?

I DON'T WANT TO EAT THE

STEAK.

- OKAY
- I JUST... WE SHOULDN'T WASTE IT,

RIGHT?

SMELLS SO GOOD

JUST WRAP IT UP, PUT IT IN THE

- BREAK ROOM, SOMEONE WILL EAT IT
- EVENTUALLY.

- GILL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO
- PRETEND.

- YOU DON'T HAVE TO PRETEND YOU'RE
- UPSET.

YOU CLEARLY ARE NOT.

I AM UPSET.

GIVE ME A CAMERA

OKAY, I WANT TO MAKE THIS

PERFECTLY CLEAR.

THAT NONT SUPPORT NOR WILL I BE

- DEFINED BY THE COMMENTS OF A
- COUPLE OF TROLLS

- WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT IS
- COMPLETELY UNACCEPTED...

UNACCEPTABLE AND IT BREAKS MY

HEART.

- WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT GUY.
- WHAT GUY?

THE... THE GUY YOU WERE

TALKING ABOUT.

YEAH, BUT WHAT'S HIS NAME

YOU SAID IT EARLIER.

AND

GOD, THERE'S SO MANY GUYS TO

NAME, IT'S JUST... AND THAT'S

THE PROBLEM!

YOU KNOW, GIVE ME A SECOND

I SAW A HOMELESS GUY I CAN GIVE

- IT TO.
- ALL RIGHT, HERE YOU GO, SIR.

OKAY, THANK YOU

I WAS TOLD THAT YOU'D TAKE

CARE OF THE BILL

MAN, I AIN'T PAYING THIS DAMN

BILL.

SEE, SEE?

- I KNEW HE WAS GOING TO WELCH ON
- IT EVERY TIME.

DEAL'S A DEAL!

- > HEY, GUYS, IT'S ME, BENJI,
- FROM THE HIT SHOW "THE BUDDIES"

- ON NINTENDO TV
- I'VE ALSO GOT A BUNCH OF FUN

- AUDITIONS AND REALLY COOL STUFF
- COMING UP.

BUT I'M HERE TODAY BECAUSE THE

STATE OF THE WORLD IS SO AWFUL

I CAN'T SIT BACK AND JUST BE AN

ACTOR ANYMORE.

- NOT WITH THIS INCREDIBLE
- PLATFORM "THE BUDDIES" HAS GIVEN

ME

SO, MR. PRESIDENT, HEAR ME WHEN

I SAY...

THERE'S KIDS IN CAGE

ABOUT OUR LIVE

WELL ENOUGH IS ENOUGH IS ENOUGH

EVEN WEAR A MASK SO ENOUGH IS

EVERYTHING IS FINE I CAN'T SIT

I TAG LEONARDO DiCAPRI

POSTED.

I DID IT

HEY, KEVIN, HOW'S IT GOING, MAN?

DID YOU SEE MY VIDEO

- YEAH, I JUST FELT LIKE I
- COULDN'T SIT BY ANY LONGER AND

NOT SAY SOMETHING, YOU KNOW?

I NEEDED TO MAKE MY VOICE HEARD.

I SHOULD TAKE IT DOWN.

TAKE IT DOWN IMMEDIATELY

UH-HUH

NO ONE NEEDS THIS FROM ME.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I GOT TO GO, KEVIN, KELSEY'S

CALLING ME

HEY, KELS, YOU SEE MY VID?

YES, YEAH, I JUST... YOU KNOW, I

WANTED TO USE MY PLATFORM AS AN

ARTIST... I SHOULD TAKE IT DOWN.

SHOULD TAKE IT DOWN RIGHT NOW.

YEAH, BUT... HERE'S... SO I

REALLY THINK THAT THIS IS SUCH

- AN IMPORTANT ELECTION, AND I
- FEEL LIKE I NEED TO DO MY PART

AS AN ACTOR TO MAKE A

DIFFERENCE...

- I'M NOT FAMOUS ENOUGH.
- JUST A DESPERATE CAREER MOVE

- COULD ACTUALLY MOBILIZE HIS
- BASE

OKAY, KELS, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I ACTUALLY GOT TO GO

- HEY, ROOMIE, JUST WANTED TO SAY
- SORRY ABOUT THE MESS IN THE

LIVING ROOM.

DON'T KNOW IF YOU SAW, BUT -

TAKE IT DOWN

WELL, YEAH, I KNOW IT'S A LITTLE

- EMBARRASSING BECAUSE I REALIZED
- AFTER I SHOT IT THAT I FORGOT TO

PUT A SHIRT ON... NO ONE'S

BUYING THAT.

- YOU HEARD ME DOING PUSHUPS
- BEFORE

OH, SORRY, MY GIRLFRIEND'S HERE.

HEY, BABY.

YOU'RE NOT COMING IN

I JUST... WHAT

A BOX OF ALL MY STUFF.

- HELLO?
- IS THIS THE GUY FROM THE

- "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH" VIDEO
- YES, I...

- DON'T TAG ME FOR THAT
- PATHETIC PIECE OF...

- I -
- THAT'S THE SADDEST, WEAKEST

THING I'VE EVER SEEN

I'M WATCHING IT AND I'M THINKING

- TO MYSELF, HOW THE DID
- THIS GUY EVEN GET TO THAT AGE

WITHOUT DYING?

YOU NEED TO TAKE IT DOWN

BECAUSE IT'S PATHETIC AND YOU'RE

A LOSER.

IT WORKED

JASON MOMOA KNOWS ME

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

JACK WHITE

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

YOU HURT YOURSEL

WHEN YOU LIE TO ME

YOU HURT YOURSEL

I'M YOUR THIRD MAN GIR

BUT IT'S A FACT THAT

BUT IT'S A FACT THAT

TO THE PEOPL

YES I'M WALKIN

JUST COULDN'T GET OU

WAS MIGHTY

AND PEOPLE WER

WAS MIGHTY

AND PEOPLE WER

AND IT TRAVELED THROUGH THE

A BISCUIT SUGA

AND TAKE OUR SWEET

AND TAKE OUR SWEET

PLACE TO JUST GET OU

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH

COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

THANK YOU

- THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
- GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE

- WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE.
- I'M MICHAEL CHE.

I'M COLIN JOST.

THIS WEEK WAS MENTAL ILLNESS

AWARENESS WEEK

AND TRUST ME, WE'RE AWARE.

PRESIDENT AND ACTIVE BIOWEAPON

- DONALD TRUMP TOOK HIS DOCTORS
- HOSTAGE AND BROKE OUT OF THE

HOSPITAL LIKE SARAH CONNER IN

"TERMINATOR 2.

- AND I GUESS HE MUST HAVE BEEN IN
- A COMA AND THOUGHT THE YEAR WAS

2016, BECAUSE HE STARTED

DEMANDING HILLARY'S EMAILS AND

FOR THE FEDS TO ARREST OBAMA

THEN HE RELEASED A SERIES OF ODD

VIDEOS FROM THE WHITE HOUSE

WHICH STARTED LIKE THIS.

PERHAPS YOU RECOGNIZE ME,

IT'S YOUR FAVORITE PRESIDENT

ACTUALLY, I BARELY RECOGNIZE

YOU, BECAUSE YOUR MAKEUP ARTIST

SEEMS TO HAVE GIVEN YOU THE

DOLEZAL.

ALSO, WHY DOES IT LOOK LIKE

- THERE'S A GREEN SCREEN BEHIND
- YOU?

IT'S A LITTLE SUSPICIOUS WHEN

YOU GREEN SCREEN YOURSELF INTO

THE PLACE WHERE YOU ALREADY ARE.

- IT LOOKED LIKE YOU'RE SHOOTING A
- COMMERCIAL FOR A STATEN ISLAND

WEDDING VENUE.

MAKE ALL YOUR ROMANTIC DREAMS

- COME TRUE AT THE WHITE HOUSE
- WANT TO DO A BIG EVENT WITH NO

MASK

THE WHITE HOUSE!

- PRESIDENT TRUMP CLAIMED TO
- HAVE SURVIVED THE CORONAVIRUS.

YAY!

I'M NOT GOING TO SAY I'M

- DISAPPOINTED, BUT IT'S KIND OF
- LIKE WHEN THERE'S A CAR CRASH

AND THE ONLY SURVIVOR IS THE

DRUNK DRIVER

TRUMP SAID HIM GETTING COVID

- WAS, QUOTE, A BLESSING FROM
- GOD.

AND I BET EVEN GOD WAS LIKE,

"HEY, WE TRIED, GUYS."

ACTUALLY, MAYBE WE SHOULD BE

- MORE OPTIMISTIC ABOUT THIS
- I MEAN, THERE'S TWO WAYS WE CAN

LOOK AT IT

EITHER TRUMP'S TELLING THE TRUTH

AND WE FINALLY HAVE A CURE FOR

COVID, OR TRUMP IS LYING AND

HE'S STILL GOING TO DIE.

I'M NOT GOING TO SAY THAT'S A

WIN-WIN, BUT IT'S DEFINITELY NOT

A LOSE-LOSE.

NO

I ALSO HAVE TO SAY, IT'S

AMAZING TO WATCH A GUY HAVE A

- NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE AND LEARN
- NOTHING FROM IT.

IT'S LIKE WATCHING SOMEONE SMOKE

THROUGH THE HOLE IN THEIR NECK

IN FACT, TRUMP IS NOW TRYING TO

CONVINCE AMERICANS THAT COVID

ACTUALLY MAKES YOU STRONGER, AND

THAT IT MADE HIM FEEL BETTER

THAN HE DID 20 YEARS AGO

SO HE WENT FROM COVID IS A HOAX,

TO COVID WILL DISAPPEAR ONE DAY

LIKE A MIRACLE, AND NOW HE'S

LIKE, ACTUALLY, COVID IS THE

MIRACLE AND IT WAS INSIDE OF US

ALL ALONG.

IF GETTING COVID IS GOOD, HIS

SUPPORTERS ARE IN LUCK

THIS IS HIM AT A RALLY LAST WEEK

WHEN HE HAD CORONA

COME ON, LOOK AT HIM

HE'S LIKE AN EVIL OPRAH.

- YOU'RE GETTING COVID, YOU'RE
- GETTING COVID, YOU'RE GETTING

- COVID!
- LOOK UNDER YOUR SEATS, IT'S A

VENTILATOR!

IT'S A DARK SHOW.

PRESIDENT TRUMP SAID THAT A

- THERAPEUTIC DRUG FROM REGENERON,
- WHICH IS DERIVED FROM STEM

CELLS, IS THE CURE FOR COVID,

WHICH SEEMED UNLIKELY,

UNFOUNDED, IRRESPONSIBLE, AND I

CAN'T WAIT TO BUY 1,000 SHARES

OF REGENERON BABY JUICE STOCK.

I CALL IT BABY JUICE

- YOU KNOW, IT'S KIND OF FUNNY
- THAT THESE OLD REPUBLICANS ARE

- SO ANTI-ABORTION WHEN IT COMES
- TO EVERYBODY ELSE, BUT THEN THEY

- DO A COMPLETE 180 AS SOON AS
- STEM CELLS CAN SAVE THEIR LIVES

- OR WHEN I GET THEIR DAUGHTER
- PREGNANT

WHAT

WHAT

LAST NIGHT, PRESIDENT TRUMP

- RECEIVED A MEDICAL EVALUATION ON
- FOX NEWS

HERE TO GIVE A SECOND OPINIO

IS "WEEKEND UPDATE'S" RESIDENT

MEDICAL EXPERT DR. WAYNE

WEKNOWDIS.

HELLO, DOCTOR

HELLO, DR. WEKNOWDIS

- YOU ARE HIGHLY RESPECTED IN YOUR
- FIELD.

- YES, WEKNOWDIS.
- SO THANK YOU FOR HELPING MAKE

- SENSE OF THIS, BECAUSE HAVING A
- TELEVISED MEDICAL EXAM IS HIGHLY

UNUSUAL.

YES

WE DO KNOW DIS

YEAH, SO ON FOX, TRUMP

ANSWERED SOME QUESTIONS FROM A

DOCTOR

WE KNOW DIS

TRUMP WON'T SAY IF HE HAS A

NEGATIVE TEST YET.

WE DON'T KNOW DIS

HE MIGHT TECHNICALLY STILL BE

CONTAGIOUS.

WE KNOW DIS

HE'S STILL SO GOOD, HE SAID,

I MAY BE IMMUNE.

WHAT IS DIS

- NOW HE'S HOLDING RALLIES.
- WHO DOES DIS?

HE DO DIS.

WE HATE DIS.

WE KNOW DIS.

I'M SORRY, DR. WEKNOWDIS.

YES

ARE YOU SAYING WE KNOW THIS

OR ARE YOU SAYING YOUR LAST

NAME

OKAY, YES

WEKNOWDIS IN GREEK IT TRANSLATES

TO, WE KNOW THIS, LIKE, WE ARE

AWARE OF THIS.

- OKAY.
- OKAY, YEAH

- I THINK I GOT IT.
- UH-HUH.

SO IS THERE A RISK OF TRUMP

INFECTING MORE PEOPLE NOW THAT

HE'S GONE BACK IN THE WHITE

HOUSE?

OKAY, VERY COMPLICATED.

HOW... HOW CAN I SAY THIS SO YOU

CAN GET IT

A ROOM HAVE AIR, RIGHT

- WE KNOW DIS.
- AND EVERYBODYHAVE A NOSE, WE

KNOW DIS

EVERYBODY'S FACE, IT HAVE A

HOLE

EVERYBODY GET THE VIRUS.

WE KNOW DIS.

UH-HUH.

WE KNOW DIS.

OKAY, WE KNOW THIS, YEAH.

NOW TRUMP DID SAY HE'S GOING TO

GIVE THE COVID DRUG HE GOT TO

- EVERYONE WHO NEEDS IT FOR FREE
- IS THAT POSSIBLE OR TRUE

NO.

- I THOUGHT YOU'D SAY A LITTLE
- MORE

OKAY

ALL RIGHT.

WELL, TRUMP IS CLEARLY ITCHING

TO GET BACK ON THE CAMPAIGN

TRAIL, AND I'M WONDERING, NOW

- HE'S PLANNING TO HOLD A RALLY IN
- FLORIDA ON MONDAY.

- IS IT SAFE FOR HIM TO GO TO
- FLORIDA?

- WE DON'T KNOW DIS
- BECAUSE HE STILL MIGHT BE

CONTAGIOUS

NO, JUST BECAUSE FLORIDA,

SEEM LIKE A FREAKY PLACE

- THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR
- STOPPING BY, DOCTOR...

OH WAIT, NO, NO, NO

WHILE I'M HERE, I HAVE TO GIVE

- YOU AN EXAM.
- OH, THAT'S OKAY -

- I'VE GOT TO TAKE YOUR BLOOD
- PRESSURE -

THAT'S OKAY, DOCTOR

I'M IN AMAZING SHAPE

WE, WE KNOW DIS

GOING TO DO IT ANYWAY.

OKAY, THANK YOU

BLOOD PRESSURE.

[ SQUEAKING

BLOOD PRESSURE

WE DON'T NEED TO DO THIS.

KATE.

KATE

ARE YOU OKAY

I'M OBVIOUSLY NOT

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

OKAY, OKAY.

WHAT... WHAT IS GOING ON

I'M SORRY

IT'S SUCH A CRAZY TIME

- AND THIS IS SOMETHING I STARTED
- DOING TO COPE.

I HAVE A LOT OF WIGS AND

MOUSTACHES AT MY DISPOSAL.

IT'S A NICE WAY TO ESCAPE.

YOU KNOW, REFRESHING TO PLAY A

CHARACTER WHO... WHO KNOW DIS.

- OKAY, SURE.
- I MEAN, WHO WILL WIN THE

ELECTION

WE DON'T KNOW DIS.

WHEN WILL THE PANDEMIC END

THIS, WE DON'T KNOW DIS.

WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO THE WORLD?

WE DO NOT KNOW DIS

BUT COLIN, THE ONE THING WE DO

KNOW IS THAT... NO

WE DON'T KNOW DIS.

WELL, LISTEN.

I KNOW IT IS VERY STRESSFUL.

I KNOW THIS IS VERY HARD RIGHT

NOW.

I KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE BEING

- VERY RESILIENT ABOUT IT.
- I KNOW EVEN THOUGH IT DOESN'T

SEEM GOOD, DON'T WORRY, WE CAN

FIGURE THIS OUT, WE CAN DO THIS.

WE CAN DO WHAT?

WE CAN DO DIS.

WE KNOW DIS

DR. WEKNOWDIS, EVERYONE

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

ORTHODOX JEWISH LEADERS IN

NEW YORK CITY LASHED OUT AT A

- NEWLY IMPOSED CORONAVIRUS
- RESTRICTION IN THEIR

NEIGHBORHOOD BY SETTING FIRES

AND BURNING MASKS.

AND IT'S A MIRACLE, THE MASKS

BURNED FOR EIGHT NIGHTS.

COME ON

THAT'S A GOOD ONE, COME ON.

STOP IT, STOP IT.

- > GOLDMAN SACHS IS REPORTING
- THAT IF JOE BIDEN WINS THE

- ELECTION AND DEMOCRATS REGAIN
- CONTROL OF CONGRESS, THE ECONOMY

- WILL RECOVER FASTER.
- I DON'T HAVE A JOKE FOR THAT

- I JUST WANTED TO POINT OUT THAT
- TRUMP'S ONLY THING HE SAYS HE'S

GOOD AT IS THE ECONOMY, AND THE

ECONOMY ITSELF WAS LIKE, I'M

VOTING FOR BIDEN

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

THIS IS THE WORST.

- A NEW HALLOWEEN COSTUME BEING
- SOLD THIS YEAR IS FOR SEXY HAND

SANITIZER.

WHICH I THINK IS JUST LUBE

- > McDONALD'S ANNOUNCED THAT
- FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A DECADE

- IT'S ADDING NEW ITEMS TO ITS
- BREAKFAST BAKERY MENU, INCLUDING

AN APPLE FRITTER, A BLUEBERRY

MUFFIN, AND SIN MONTHLY ROLLS.

- ALL FOR THE LOW, LOW PRICE OF
- ONE OF YOUR FEET

YANKEES LEGEND WHITEY FORD

DIED THIS WEEK AT THE AGE OF 91.

FORD REMINDS US OF A SIMPLER

TIME WHEN YOU COULD JUST NAME

YOUR KID "WHITEY.

IT IS DARK.

- > SIZZLER RESTAURANTS HAVE
- ANNOUNCED AS A RESULT OF THE

IMPACT FROM COVID, THEY ARE

FILING FOR BANKRUPTCY.

PROBABLY A GOOD IDEA, SINCE THE

SIZZLER BUFFET IS THE CLOSEST

THING AMERICA HAS TO A WUHAN WET

MARKET

OH!

- > RESEARCHERS IN NOVA SCOTIA
- HAVE FOUND A 50-YEAR-OLD GREAT

- WHITE SHARK THAT THEY ARE
- CALLING QUEEN OF THE OCEAN,

BECAUSE HE GAY AS HELL

- > PENNSYLVANIA... PENNSYLVANIA
- POLICE ARRESTED A MAN WHO TRIED

- TO RENT A HORSE ONLINE SO THAT
- HE AND HIS WIFE COULD HAVE SEX

- WITH THE ANIMAL.
- BUT THE MAN HAD NO IDEA THAT THE

- WHOLE TIME HE WAS ACTUALLY
- CHATTING WITH A POLICE HORSE

THANK YOU, THANK YOU

THANK YOU, THANK YOU

OVER THE SUMMER, HARRY POTTER

- AUTHOR J.K. ROWLING WAS ACCUSED
- OF TRANSPHOBIA FOR COMPARING

- TRANSGENDER HORMONE THERAPY TO
- FORCED GAY CONVERSION.

- WITH MORE ON THIS, IT'S PETE
- DAVIDSON

- YAY - THANKS, COLIN.

- I... I JUST LEARNED IT'S MENTAL
- ILLNESS AWARENESS WEEK, SO I

- WANTED TO MAKE EVERYONE AWARE.
- WE OUT HERE AND WE CRAZY

GO, GIANTS

SEASON'S NOT OVER.

SEASON STARTS TOMORROW

THIS IS THE GIANTS' YEAR,

- EVERYBODY SAYS IT.
- SO WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THE

- J.K. ROWLING CONTROVERSY
- I THINK I'M NEVER GETTING

- ANOTHER TATTOO FOR THE REST OF
- MY LIFE.

- DON'T GET TATTOOS.
- I GOT A HARRY POTTER TATTOO

- YEARS AGO, BECAUSE I'M NOT
- PSYCHIC.

- I DIDN'T KNOW J.K. ROWLING WAS
- GOING TO GO ALL MEL GIBSON ON

- US -

I HAVE A "GAME OF THRONES"

TATTOO, AND NOW I'M TERRIFIED

ONE DAY GEORGE R.R. MARTIN IS

GOING TO BE LIKE, HEY, IF YOU

ENJOYED WHAT I HAD TO SAY ABOUT

DRAGONS AND DIRE WOLVES, WAIT

- TILL YOU HEAR WHAT I THINK ABOUT
- PUERTO RICANS!

ALSO, I HAVE A WINNIE-THE-POOH

- TATTOO, AM I GONNA HAVE TO FIND
- OUT HE WAS DIDDLING PIGLET THE

WHOLE TIME

THIS IS MADNESS!

- IT'S CRAZY TIMES WE LIVE IN!
- IT'S NOT FAIR.

HOW DID YOU FEEL WHEN YOU

FIRST HEARD THAT ROWLING SAID

SOMETHING TRANSPHOBIC?

IT REALLY HURT, BECAUSE I

- HAVE A CLOSE CONNECTION TO THOSE
- MOVIES

I LOOK LIKE DOBBY THE HOUSE ELF

IF HE BECAME A TIKTOK RAPPER

THAT WASN'T VERY NICE.

IT IS SCARILY ACCURATE

THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ME

AND DOBBY IS I'M A REAL PERSON

AND HIS MOVIES GET RELEASED IN

THEATERS

OH, YEAH.

ALL RIGHT.

SO YOU FOUND WHAT J.K. ROWLING

SAID DISAPPOINTING

VERY DISAPPOINTING, YEAH

I LONG FOR A FEW YEARS AGO WHERE

THE WORST THING SHE EVER DID WAS

THE "FANTASTIC BEASTS" MOVIES.

- THERE'S NO DISCRIMINATION THERE,
- THOSE FILMS HARMED US EQUALLY.

- I MEAN, WHAT'S WRONG WITH HER?
- SHE CREATES A SEVEN-BOOK FANTASY

- SERIES ABOUT ALL TYPES OF
- MYTHICAL CREATURES LIVING IN

HARMONY WITH WIZARDS AND ELVES

AND THE ONE THING SHE CAN'T WRAP

HER HEAD AROUND IS LAVERNE COX

SHE'S A NATIONAL TREASURE!

DID YOU FIND WHAT J.K. SAID

SURPRISING, THEN

- YEAH, AT FIRST.
- THEN I STARTED THINKING ABOUT

THE FANTASTICAL WORLD SHE

CREATED.

- THE WOODS ARE CONTROLLED BY
- CENTAURS

THE SCHOOLS ARE RUN BY WIZARDS

AND GHOSTS

WHO CONTROLS THE BANKS

JEWS, OBVIOUSLY!

- LITTLE GIANT-NOSED JEW GOBLINS
- I CAN SAY THAT, BECAUSE AS YOU

CAN SEE, I'M HALF GOBLIN

COME ON, IF THIS ISN'T A JEWS

RUN THE BANKS REFERENCE, WHY DO

- THEY ALL LOOK EXACTLY LIKE ALAN
- DERSHOWITZ

YOU'VE BEEN DERSH'D, DERSH

YEAH, NO... SO PETE, WILL YOU

STOP READING THE BOOKS

I NEVER READ ANY OF THE

BOOKS, AND I SAW PART OF

"AZKABAN" ON THE PLANE ONCE.

PETE DAVIDSON, EVERYONE

- FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE" I'M
- COLIN JOST

I'M MICHAEL CHE

- > BEFORE WE GET DOWN TO
- BUSINESS, HOW ABOUT A WELCOME

HOME AFTER 20 YEARS IN THE

JOINT, DON PAULY

- SALUD!
- SALUD

I LOOK AROUND THIS ROOM, I

SEE WHAT USED TO BE THE MOST

- RUTHLESS, POWERFUL CRIME FAMILY
- IN THE CITY.

DAMN RIGHT!

SHUT UP

I SAID USED TO BE.

BECAUSE THAT SURE AS HELL AIN'T

WHAT IT IS NOW

WHAT HAPPENED TO THIS GANG

WE USED TO OWN THIS CITY

I GO AWAY 20 YEARS, ALL OF A

- SUDDEN NOW THERE'S FRIGGING
- MEXICANS CONTROLLING THE

NEIGHBORHOOD

UM... OKAY.

WHAT, WHAT'D I SAY?

I SAY SOMETHING WRONG?

- NO DISRESPECT, DON PAULY, WE
- ALL GET YOUR POINT

I JUST THINK IT'S A LITTLE WEIRD

YOU MADE IT SO, I DON'T KNOW -

RACIAL

YES, THANK YOU, ONE PERSON.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

RACIAL

VINNY?

THE DIABLOS CONTROL THE DRUGS IN

THIS NEIGHBORHOOD, DO THEY NOT

THEY DO

- THEY DO.
- OKAY.

LAST I CHECKED, THE DIABLOS ARE

FRIGGING MEXICANS, ARE THEY NOT?

AND HE'S DOUBLING DOWN,

GREAT.

WOOF!

JOE, YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH

- WHAT I'M SAYING?
- WE'RE LOSING MONEY OVER HERE

- WE UNDERSTAND YOUR POINT, DON
- PAULY.

- WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, YOUR
- CHOICE OF WORDS TO SOME PEOPLE

MAY SEEM, I DON'T KNOW,

OUTDATED

MY CHOICE OF WORDS?

IS THIS A JOKE

HUH?

IS THERE A HIDDEN VIDEO AROUND

IS JIMMY KENNEDY SOMEWHERE

AROUND TO FILM ME?

- JAMIE KENNEDY
- WHO'S JAMIE KENNEDY?

- JAMIE KENNEDY
- THE KING OF THE PRANKS

HE DOES THE TV SHOW.

HE PRANKS PEOPLE

OH, YOU MEAN ASHTON KUTCHER

NO, KUTCHER WAS "PUNK'D.

LOOK, JUST FORGET IT, FORGET

IT

- ALL RIGHT?
- AM I LOSING MY FREAKING MIND

HERE

NICKY THE NOSE, YOU'D TELL ME IF

I WAS GOING NUTS, RIGHT, YOU'D

TELL ME.

- HEY, DON PAULY.
- YOU KNOW I DON'T MEAN NO

DISRESPECT TO YOU.

BUT I JUST GO BY NICKY NOW

WHAT?

YOU'VE BEEN NICKY THE NOSE SINCE

WE WERE KIDS

YEAH, WE DON'T GIVE PEOPLE

NICKNAMES BASED ON THEIR

PHYSICAL APPEARANCES ANYMORE

THAT'S CALLED SHAMING.

AND IT DON'T FEEL TOO GREAT

SOMETIMES.

YEAH, SEE, DON PAULY, YOUR

WORDS HAVE, I DON'T KNOW, POWER.

YES, THANK YOU.

- I CAN'T BELIEVE MY FRIGGING
- EARS

I MEAN, ARE WE STILL GANGSTERS

WE STILL IN THE FRIGGING MOB

OVER HERE?

OF COURSE WE ARE, DON PAULY,

- BUT A LOT'S CHANGED IN THE PAST
- 20 YEARS.

NO KIDDING.

THIS GANG DIDN'T USED TO BE

- FILLED WITH A BUNCH OF QUEERS.
- OH!

WHOA!

EASY!

- EASY, DON PAULY
- NO DISRESPECT, BUT AS SOMEONE

WHO IDENTIFIES AS QUEER, I TAKE

A LITTLE EXCEPTION TO THAT

LAST COMMENT OF YOURS.

WHAT?

SO IF YOU DON'T MIND, I THINK

I'M GOING TO TAKE A MENTAL

- HEALTH DAY, AND I'M GOING TO
- WORK FROM HOME NOW.

OF COURSE, JOHNNY, GOD BLESS.

SALUD!

SALUD

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ALL

ABOUT?

DON PAULY, YOU GOT TO

UNDERSTAND

JOHNNY IS... SENSITIVE

SENSITIVE

HE'S A FRIGGING MURDERER.

HEY, "THEY'RE" A FRIGGING

- MURDERER
- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU PEOPLE,

- HUH?
- WHOA, WHOA.

YOU PEOPLE

WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, DON PAULY,

WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY YOU PEOPLE

I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT, I

JUST MEANT EVERYBODY IN GENERAL.

WAIT A MINUTE.

WHO'S THE BLACK CHICK?

UM... THE WOMAN OF COLOR

YOU'RE REFERRING TO IS GLADYS.

SHE'S OUR CAPO

OF THIS GANG?

HOW THE HELL DID THAT HAPPEN

WE GOT SLAMMED PRETTY HARD ON

TWITTER FOR OUR LACK OF

DIVERSITY.

YOU REMEMBER THE HASHTAG,

#MAFIASOLITE

- YOU'VE GOT TO BE FRIGGING
- KIDDING ME

- DON PAULY, WITH ALL DUE
- RESPECT, REPRESENTATION IS VERY

IMPORTANT, EVEN IN CRIME

BESIDES, I'M MORE CAPABLE AND

DANGEROUS THAN ANY CIS BLACK OR

WHITE MALE GANGSTER HERE

- OH, REALLY?
- OKAY

ALL RIGHT.

THEN SHOOT VINNY

WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, DON

PAULY, THAT'S NOT HOW...

OH!

WHOA!

- WHOA, GET OVER HERE, THAT'S
- WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, ALL

RIGHT!

LET ME OFFICIALLY WELCOME YOU TO

- THE...
- HEY

- DID THIS GUY JUST FRICKIN' TRY
- TO KISS ME

- WHOA, WITHOUT CONSENT
- IN A PANDEMIC

WHOA!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

- > SAM ADAMS HAS BREWED
- SIGNATURE BEERS IN THE HEART OF

- BOSTON SINCE 1984.
- WHO BETTER TO CHECK OUT OUR

JACK-O-PUMPKIN BOSTON ALE THAN

REAL BOSTONIANS?

IT'S GOT THAT GREAT SAM ADAMS

TASTE, BUT THE PUMPKIN FLAVOR

KICKED IT UP A NOTCH.

I LOVE SAM ADAMS, BUT THIS

MIGHT EVEN BE BETTER

JESUS CHRIST!

WHAT THE IS THAT

- OKAY.
- THIS IS THE PERFECT BEER FOR

- SWEATER WEATHER.
- ALL RIGHT

LET'S TRY THIS FOR REAL.

I DON'T LIKE THAT.

- I'M NOT REALLY A BEER
- DRINKER, BUT THIS MIGHT CHANGE

THAT

THIS IS THE KIND OF BEER

- SOMEBODY BRINGS TO A PARTY AT
- YOUR HOUSE, AND THEN IT JUST

LIKE SITS IN THE FRIDGE FOR LIKE

EIGHT MONTHS

THEN ONE DAY YOUR BUDDY COMES

OVER, HEY, YOU GOT A BEER?

I'M LIKE, WELL, I GOT THIS

PUMPKIN.

- DRINK IT, YOU KNOW, IT GETS YOU
- A BUZZ -

COME ON

I'M COMING!

YOU'VE BEEN SITTING THERE FOR

HALF AN HOUR ENJOYING MYSELF -

- YOU KNOW, YOU'RE JUST LIKE YOUR
- MOTHER

- OH, THERE YOU GO
- YOU GUYS SHOULD SELL THIS

- YEAR ROUND, SERIOUSLY...
- JUST GRABBING ONE MORE.

OH, WATCH IT, MY BAD

GETTING OLD IS HARD.

- I CAN DEFINITELY TASTE THE
- HOPS

- REESE'S PUFFS
- WHAT ARE YOU, GAY?

- GET SOME STOP & SHOP CORN FLAKES
- IN THE WELFARE BAG

WHAT IS THAT LOOK?

GOING TO TAKE A SWING AT ME?

IS TODAY THE DAY

TODAY IS THE DAY YOU TAKE A

SWING AT YOUR OLD MAN?

ARE YOU A NEW MAN NOW?

I DIDN'T THINK SO!

GET OFF ME!

GET OFF OF ME!

GET OFF ME

SAM ADAMS JACK-O-PUMPKIN ALE.

REAL BOSTONIANS AGREE, IT'S...

KIND OF SWEET AND,

BUT YOU KNOW, TH

ONCE AGAIN, JACK WHITE

YO TRABAJO DUR

AND EVEN GOD HERSELF

HAS FEWER PLANS THAN M

- FOR FREE THOUG
- SHE GRABS A STICK AN

I SAY EVERYTHING

WHEN I SAY NOTHING

IN A LAZARETTO

BORN ROTTE

I USED TO KNOW

OUT OF COFFEE AND COTTON

THROWN DOWN TO THE WOLVE

MADE FERAL FOR NOTHING

AND I'M TRYING TO ESCAPE

TIME IS LOST

NO TIME AT ALL

I JUMP UP AND LET HE

DOWN THE PRISO

THEY'RE LIGHTING FIRES

AND LIKE THE DOUGH

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

- JACK WHITE -
- [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

- MAYA RUDOLPH, JIM CARREY, THE
- ENTIRE CAST.

I HAD THE BEST TIME.

EDDIE VAN HALEN, REST IN PEACE

- THE CAST, THE BAND, I HAD THE
- BEST TIME.

THANK YOU SO MUCH, EVERYBODY

GOODNIGHT!