Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 46, Episode 14 - Nick Jonas - full transcript

Nick Jonas hosts and performs.

HELLO. HI. OKAY.

I'M AMERICA'S VOICE OF REASON AND CELEBRITY
HALL PASS FOR SOME REASON, DR. FAUCI.

THE VACCINE ROLLOUT IS GOING
STRONG BUT IT IS ALSO VERY CONFUSING.

WHO CAN GET IT? HOW? WHEN?

WHERE IS IT? DO BOTH DOSES GO IN THE
SAME ARM OR DIFFERENT ARMS OR WHAT?

I DON'T KNOW. SO TONIGHT WE GIVE
EVERYDAY AMERICANS THE CHANCE TO VIE FOR

VACCINE ELIGIBILITY ON A LITTLE SHOW WE LIKE
TO CALL "SO YOU THINK YOU CAN GET THE VACCINE."

VERY GOOD. HELLO AND WELCOME TO
THE NAME OF THE GAME SHOW I JUST SAID.

OKAY. GETTING THE VACCINE SHOULDN'T
BE A COMPETITION, BUT AMERICANS

WILL ONLY WANT TO GET IT IF IT MEANS SOMEONE
ELSE CAN'T, SO LET'S MEET OUR PANEL OF JUDGES

WHO ARE ALL... GET EXCITED... FAMOUS
GOVERNORS! FIRST, HE'S HATED BY EVERY



SINGLE PERSON IN CALIFORNIA EXCEPT THOSE TEN
PEOPLE HE HAD DINNER WITH IN NAPA THAT ONE

TIME. PLEASE WELCOME
GOVERNOR GAVIN NEWSOM.

HEY. WHAT CAN I
SAY? I LOVE DINNER.

THAT'S GREAT. HOW ARE
THINGS GOING IN CALIFORNIA?

TEETH, WHITE. BODY,
TIGHT. COVID, PRETTY BAD.

NEXT, HE'S CURRENTLY UNDER FIRE FOR FUTZING
WITH OLD DEAD PEOPLE AND ALSO FOR THE KIND OF

SEXUAL HARASSMENT ALLEGATIONS
THAT MAKE YOU GO, "YEAH, I CAN SEE THAT."

IT IS NEW YORK'S GOVERNOR,
ANDREW CUOMO. YES, HELLO.

NICE BODIES, SOME OF YOU. I KNOW,
I'M IN THE FRIGGING DOGHOUSE AGAIN.

REMEMBER WHEN YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE WAS
MY POWERPOINTS? REMEMBER, TODAY IS TUESDAY?

WHEN CAN WE GO BACK TO THAT? I MEAN,
COME ON. OKAY.

OUR NEXT JUDGE NARROWLY ESCAPED BEING KIDNAPPED
BY A GROUP OF MEN WHOSE FINGERPRINTS PROBABLY

HAD CHEETOS DUST ON THEM. PLEASE WELCOME
THE GOVERNOR OF MICHIGAN, GRETCHEN WHITMER.

HEY THERE. IT IS AN HONOR TO BE
HERE WITH MY FELLOW GOVERNORS.



PEOPLE YELL AT THIS ABOUT THEIR
POLICIES AND THEY YELL AT ME, "GET HER!

." HEY, THAT'S LIFE. >> OKAY.

JUDGES, ALL OF OUR CONTESTANTS DESPERATELY WANT
THE VACCINE BUT AN ESSENTIAL WORKER CAN DIFFER

IN EVERY STATE. SO IN CALIFORNIA IT
IS... POLICE, HOSPITAL STAFF, NEURO

PATHS AND PSYCHICS. AND IN MICHIGAN
IT IS? FISHERS, TRUCKERS, TRAPPERS

AND DRUNK ARLDS. AND IN NEW YORK
IT'S? TOUGH GUYS, WISE GUYS, RICH

GUYS AND FIVE GUYS. AND I DON'T
TAKE OFF POINTS IF YOU'RE PRETTY.

HEY, ENOUGH. ENOUGH.
TONIGHT'S GAME AND THE VACCINE

IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY CVS. COME FOR THE SHOT,
LEAVE WITH A LOLLIPOP FROM TWO HALLOWEENS

AGO. OUR VERY FIRST CONTESTANT'S
VERY NERVOUS TO BE HERE AND EXCITED

TO BE HERE. PLEASE
WELCOME JANE F. HELLO.

I'M FROM MICHIGAN. GO WOLVERINES. OH,
WELL, HI.

NICE TO SEE A FELLOW MICHIGANDE. OH,
THANKS. I ACTUALLY VOTED FOR.

OH, THAT'S NICE. I VOTED FOR
YOU TO GET KIDNAPPED, BUT STILL.

OKAY. I'LL TAKE IT. TELL
US WHY YOU'RE HERE.

I THINK I DESERVE THE VACCINE BECAUSE
I'M AN ESSENTIAL WORKER. THAT'S NICE.

WHAT DO YOU DO? I TEE FOR THE
ONLY FANS WEBSITE SO I AM BUSY.

DO YOU HAVE ANY PREEXISTING
CONDITIONS? I HAVE A REALLY BAD ATTITUDE.

I'M ALLERGIC TO DUST, AND I DON'T KNOW
IF THIS IS ANYTHING BUT I HAVE HERPES.

SWEETHEART,
THAT DOESN'T GET YOU THE VACCINE. WHAT!

THEN WHY DID I JUST SAY THAT ON TV. OH,
THAT'S TOO BAD.

A REMINDER, ANY CONTESTANT NOT GOING HOME WITH
A VACCINE WILL TAKE HOME ONE OF OUR HIGHLY

DESIRABLE CONSOLATION PRIZES LIKE A
PFIZER VISOR. IT IS A VISOR WITH THE WORD

PFIZER ON IT. IF YOU DON'T GET THE VACCINE,
YOU MIGHT TAKE HOME MAXINE, THE

CRANKY, MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN FROM
THE HALLMARK CARD, AVAILABLE AT CVS.

CVS. IT STANDS FOR CHECKS MIX,
VODKA AND SO MUCH PLAN B.

NOW, OUR NEXT CONTESTANT ASKED
ME TO TELL YOU SHE IS VERY, VERY OLD.

FOR REAL, SHE'S NOT EVEN KIDDING. OKAY,
PLEASE WELCOME KENDALL

FRYE. >> HELLO. I'M OLD.

I LOVE HARD CANDY AND, BOY, DO I STAND
GOING TO CHURCH. HUH, SOMETHING SEEMS OFF

ABOUT HER. YEAH,
SHE JUST SAID STAND. I THINK WE GOT ANOTHER

PRETEND GRANNY. OKAY,
FINE. LISTEN, THERE'S A GUY I BEEN

TALKING TO FOR TEN YEARS, AND HE JUST GOT OUT
OF A RELATIONSHIP AND HE'S IN TOWN TONIGHT.

GIVE ME THE VACCINE. OKAY.
AND WHAT ARE YOUR RISKS?

MY RISK IS THAT I MAY POP,
SIR. SORRY, SWEETHEART, YOU'RE NOT

ELIGIBLE. >> WOW. OKAY.

ON THE SECOND TO LAST DAY
OF BLACK HISTORY MONTH? WOW.

THANKS AGAIN TO OUR SPONSOR,
CVS. WE HAVE THE RECEIPTS, AND

THEY'RE LONG I DON'T GET
THAT JOKE. I DON'T MIND SAYING IT.

I JUST DON'T GET IT. ALL RIGHT.
OUR NEXT CONTESTANT IS EXPECTING

TO HAVE A BABY.
HI. I'M PREGNANT.

CAN I GET THE VACCINE?
I DON'T KNOW. CAN YOU?

FINE. MAY I GET THE VACCINE? NO,
THAT WASN'T A GRAMMAR

THING. I WAS GENUINELY
ASKING. WE HAVE NO IDEA.

YOU DON'T KNOW? UH,
LET'S JUST GIVE IT TO HER?

UNFORTUNATELY, WE'RE RUNNING A LITTLE LOW
ON MODERNA BUT WE HAVE SOME TRIALS FOR THE

KIRKLAND SIGNATURE VACCINE DEVELOPED
BY COSTCO. IT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR YOU AND

YOUR LITTLE ONE AND IT COMES WITH A FREE PACK
OF 24 HOT DOGS. NEXT WE HAVE RONALD WHO IS A

PROUD SMOKER FROM NEW JERSEY.
HI. I AM RONALD FROM NEW JERSEY, AND

I LOVE CIGARETTES. ARE YOU JUST SAYING
THAT BECAUSE IN NEW JERSEY THEY'RE

GIVING THE VACCINE TO SMOKERS? WHAT? NO,
I LOVE SMOKING.

I LOVE THE SQUISHY PART,
THE BURNY PART. IT'S ALL MY FAVORITE.

OKAY, THIS IS TERRIBLE. I GOT
TO GET SOME WATER. OKAY, BYE.

GIVE IT UP FOR THAT LIFELONG
SMOKER. OUR NEXT CONTESTANT IS... THEY

DOESN'T SOUND RIGHT... FRESH OFF
HIS APPEARANCE YESTERDAY AT CPAC.

OH, GOD. IT'S TED CRUZ. YEAH,
SENATOR TED CRUZ,

PERFORMING TALENT OF STAND-UP COMEDY. OH,
IT IS GREAT TO BE BACK IN

NEW YORK CITY. I'M SORRY. MY
ARMS ARE TIRED BECAUSE I JUST

FLEW BACK FROM CANCUN, MEXICO. BUT CAN YOU
REALLY BLAME A BROTHER FOR WANTING SOME SUN?

UH-OH. UH-OH, HERE COMES MY CATCH
PHRASE I SPENT ALL DAY YESTERDAY

SCREAMING. FREEDOM! >>WOW.

IT'S BEEN QUITE A NIGHT AND WE ARE DOWN TO
OUR LAST CONTESTANT. LET'S BRING HIM OUT.

HELLO. MY NAME IS SEYMOUR
FOREMAN AND I'M 85 YEARS YOUNG.

I WAS AN ARMY DOCTOR, BUT NOW I'M
JUST THE WORLD'S PROUDEST GRANDDAD.

AH. WOW,
YOU GOT IT ALL. YOU WIN.

YOU GET THE VACCINE. OH,
WONDERFUL. SO DO I GET IT HERE OR

BACKSTAGE? OH,
NO. YOU CAN'T GET IT HERE.

YOU GOT TO MAKE AN
APPOINTMENT ONLINE. ON WHAT?

OH, NO. HOW DO I DO THAT?
DO YOU HAVE A COMPUTER?

FOR SPIDER SOLITAIRE. WELL,
IS THERE A YOUNG PERSON WHO COULD HELP YOU?

PERHAPS THE MAILMAN. NOW, DOES HE
HAVE THREE STRAIGHT DAYS TO HELP YOU CLICK

REFRESH? I DON'T THINK
HE DOES. HE SEEMS BUSY.

OH, SO CLOSE. BETTER LUCK NEXT
TIME. BUT IF YOU DO FEEL SICK, MAKE

SURE YOU LEAVE THE NURSING
HOME AND GET TO THE HOSPITAL. WINK.

OH, NO! ALL RIGHT. THAT'S
ALL THE TIME WE HAVE AND

I'M JUST GETTING WORD THE POWER WENT OUT
AT A CVS NEARBY. THE VACCINES ARE GOING TO

EXPIRE, SO IT IS FIRST COME,
FIRST STAB. AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT'S

"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE"! ♪*
IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE"

WITH... BECK
BENNETT. AIDY BRYANT.

MICHAEL CHE. PETE
DAVIDSON. MIKEY DAY!

HIDER GARDNER. COLIN
JOST. KATE McKINNON.

ALEX MOFFETT. KYLE
MARNEY. EGO NWODIM.

CHRIS REDD. CECILY
STRONG. KEENAN THOMPSON.

MELISSA VILLASENOR.
FEATURING... ANDREW DISMUKES.

CHLOE FINEMAN. LAUREN
HAUTE. PUNKY JOHNSON.

BOWEN YANG. HOST AND
MUSICAL GUEST... NICK JONAS.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
NICK JONAS. ♪♪

THANK YOU! THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

MY NAME IS NICK JONAS, WHICH, OF COURSE,
IS SHORT FOR NICHOLAS JONAS BROTHERS.

IT IS SUCH AN HONOR TO BE BACK AT
"SNL." IT HAS BEEN A YEAR TO THE DAY

SINCE I LAST PERFORMED LIVE, SO I THOUGHT I WOULD
EASE INTO IT BY DOING DOUBLE DUTY AS HOST AND

MUSICAL GUEST. I GREW UP NOT
FAR FROM HERE OVER IN NEW JERSEY.

THANK YOU FOR WOOING AND
NOT CURSING. BUT I LOVE JERSEY.

IT IS WHERE ME AND MY BROTHERS GREW UP, AND
MY BROTHER KEVIN IS ACTUALLY IN THE AUDIENCE

TONIGHT. HEY,
NICK. I AM... HONESTLY, I AM SO

EXCITED TO BE HERE TO SUPPORT YOU,
AND, ALSO, I GOT TO ASK, ARE WE GOOD?

BECAUSE I SEE YOU ARE DOING A LOT
OF SOLO STUFF. ARE WE STILL A BAND?

OF COURSE. ARE YOU SURE? BECAUSE,
LIKE, I JUST BOUGHT A

HOUSE. THE BAND IS STILL TOGETHER,
I PROMISE.

OKAY, COOL. JUST ONE MORE QUESTION. M BOP,
WAS THAT US?

WHAT? NO,
BUT I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE. HAVE A SEAT.

OH, OKAY. KEVIN WAS A STRAIGHT
"A" KID. I WAS KIND OF A BAD BOY.

I REMEMBER BELLED THE BEST WAY I KNEW HOW
BY DOING MUSICAL THEATER, VERY EDGY STUFF.

WE'RE COMING UP ON ONE YEAR SINCE BROADWAY
WENT DARK AND LIFE IS NOT THE SAME WITHOUT IT.

UNTIL IT COMES BACK I THOUGHT MAYBE I WOULD
PROPOSE A TOAST TO BROADWAY, TO NEW YORK AND TO

EVERYONE WHO IS MISSING
THEIR FAVORITE THINGS. ♪♪

THANK YOU. ♪ DRINK WITH
ME TO DAYS GONE BY ♪

♪ TO THE LIFE THAT YOU
USED TO BE. ♪ BE AT THE SHRINE

OF FRIENDSHIP NEVER SAY
DIE AT THE WINE OF FRIENDSHIP ♪

♪ NEVER RUN DRY HERE'S
TO YOU AND HERE'S TO ME

♪ DRINK WITH ME ♪ ♪ DRINK
WITH ME. TODAY'S GONE BY ♪

♪ GONE BY TO THE
LIGHT TO THE LIGHT

THAT'S YOU ♪ ♪ THAT'S YOU TO BE

TO BE HERE'S TO
SPENDING ♪ ♪ 50 WEEKS IN

OUR BED HERE'S TO
MAKING FRIENDS THAT ♪

♪ LIVE IN YOUR HEAD HERE'S
TO THEM AND HERE'S TO

BOOZE ♪ ♪ DRINK WITH ME
BECAUSE YOU'RE BORED

DRINK WITH ME BECAUSE IT'S
NEW ♪ ♪ HERE'S TO KISSING FRIENDS

INSIDE THE SAME ROOM HERE'S TO
ONE DAY FINALLY DELETING ZOOM ♪

♪ HERE'S TO THEN AND
HERE'S TO YOU ♪ YES.

OH, WOW, THAT'S REAL BOOZE.
OKAY. WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU

WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. I'M HERE, SO STICK AROUND.

AGAIN? IT IS A WORKOUT MIRROR SO
THE INSTRUCTORS ARE LIKE IN IT, AND

YOU JUST DO WHAT THEY DO. IT IS
SUPPOSED TO BE AWESOME. THAT'S SICK.

YOU'RE GOING TO GET SO JACKED. YEAH,
I KNOW. THE BIKE, THE ROWING MACHINE,

THE TREADMILL. NONE OF THAT STUFF WORKED,
BUT THIS, DEFINITELY WILL.

LET'S DO IT,
MAN. YEP. WHAT'S UP?

WELCOME TO USUAL FIRST MIRROR
WORKOUT. YOU READY TO WORK?

HELL,
YEAH! YEAH! THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.

TODAY WE ARE GOING TO BE DOING 20-SECOND
INTERVAL TRAINING. WE WILL BE CYCLING THROUGH

TRAINERS SO LET'S GO,
LET'S DO THIS. I'M NATHAN.

IF YOU WANT TO MAKE SOME MAJOR GAINS,
I'M YOUR MAN. YO, DUDE, I LOVE THIS

ALREADY. YO,
WE'RE WEIGH GOING TO GET SO YO.

AND I'M KRISTA, YOUR CARDIO QUEEN.
I'M HERE TO MAKE YOU SWEAT, BUT

YOU'RE GOING TO HATE ME BY THE
END OF THIS BUT I LOVE THAT. OH, DUDE.

KRISTA IS GOING TO KICK OUR ASS,
I CAN FEEL IT. THESE PEOPLE ARE GETTING ME

SO HYPED UP. MY NAME IS SHANNON
DELGADO. I AM TRAPPED INSIDE OF THE

MIRROR. I AM IN A COLD, BLACK VOID.
IF YOU CAN HEAR ME, PLEASE, HELP

ME UNDO THE CURSE. WHAT THE HELL IS
THAT ABOUT? YEAH, I DON'T KNOW, MAN.

BUT NATHAN'S BACK. LET'S
DO THIS. ALL RIGHT, DUDES.

PICK UP THOSE WEIGHTS. IT'S BICEPS
CURLS. MAKE SURE YOU GET A FULL

EXTENSION. SWOLL
IS THE GOAL. LET'S GO!

SO THIS IS TIGHT. IT IS DEFINITELY
COOL. MY ONLY QUESTION IS, LIKE, WHO

IS SHANNON DELGADO. HEY,
Y'ALL. IT'S TIME FOR HOT STUFF.

I KNOW IT SUCKS BUT JUST REMEMBER
YOU'RE EARNING THAT GUACAMOLE LATER.

OH, DUDE, YOU KNOW I'M A
GUAC FREAK. YOU KNOW I AM TOO.

OH, NO, SHE IS BACK. HELLO AGAIN. IT IS ME,
SHANNON DELGADO.

HERE IS WHAT HAPPENED TO ME. I WAS RUDE
TO A FORTUNE TELLER AND NOW I AM HERE.

I NEED YOU TO CALL MY HUSBAND, RON DELGADO,
AND TELL HIM NOT TO GET REMARRIED.

I DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME. I
AM BEING WATCHED. OKAY.

NOW SHE'S GOT HER STUFF WITH HER? YO,
I'M KIND OF WORRIED ABOUT

SHANNON DELGADO, MAN. YO,
WHAT I'M WORRIED ABOUT IS MY GAINS.

WHEN IS MY MAN NATHAN COMING
BACK. TIME FOR TRICEPS KICKS BACK.

NATHAN ARMS, THAT'S WHAT YOU
WANT. YOU DON'T TO DO IT LIKE THIS.

ALSO, PRO TIP. DON'T LISTEN TO
SHANNON DELGADO. SHE'S A LIAR.

LET'S GO. WAIT,
HE CAN HEAR US? FOCUS ON YOUR FORM.

THERE'S NO FOOD IN HERE. SOMETIMES THEY
LAYOUT A BEAUTIFUL FEAST, BUT IT TWINKLES

IN A WAY THAT LETS ME KNOW IT IS
CURSED. ONCE THEY GAVE ME A BEAUTIFUL

MEATBALL SUB SO I TOOK A BITE,
AND I LOOKED DOWN AND IT WAS A RAT.

WORK! YES,
YES. APOLOGIES, AZUZAL.

AZUZAL GUARDS THE GATE WAIT. WORK,
STRETCH. YES, OF COURSE, AZUZAL.

SO JUST PULL YOUR ARMS ACROSS YOUR CHEST,
GUYS. NICE.

>> OH,
OKAY. SO SHE DOES LIKE STRETCHING.

THAT MAKES SENSE. NO,
IT DOESN'T. AND WHO IS AZUZAL?

ALL RIGHT. NOW IT IS
TIME FOR THE FUN STUFF.

WE'RE DOING A MIX TAPE. NEW MOVE,
NEW SONG. START WITH ME AND JASON DERULO.

SQUISH THE SQUAT. OH,
DUDE. THESE ARE TOUGH, MAN.

ASS TO THE GRASS. MY
TURN. LET'S DO SOME PUNCHES.

TIME TO PUMP IT UP AND RAISE
A GLASS. I DO LOVE THIS SONG.

AS LONG AS IT IS NOT SQUATS,
DUDE, I'M HAPPY. BREATHE.

BREATHE INTO THE STRETCH. WORK,
MY SHANNON! ALL RIGHT.

FULL DISCLOSURE, MAN, LIKE I LIKE NATHAN
AND KRISTA. I'M JUST NOT REALLY FEELING

SHANNON DELGADO OR AZUZAL. I'M KIND
OF TEAM SHANNON. I HOPE SHE IS OKAY.

LET'S RECOVER. LET'S ROLL
OUT THESE SHOULDERS. NICE.

YO, SHANNON DELGADO IS
TRYING TO GET AWAY. WHAT?

OH, NO. AZUZAL,
SHE'S NOT IN HER FRAME. QUICK.

SHE'S DISOBEYING. DUDE,
NATHAN RATTED HER OUT, MAN.

HE'S ON AZUZAL'S SIDE. ALL RIGHT,
Y'ALL. LET'S TAKE A DEEP BREATH.

ROLL IT OUT, ALL SWEATY. PRAISE
TO AZUZAL. AND WORKOUT DONE.

NICE JOB. NICE,
DUDE. I FEEL GAINS.

Y'ALL KILLED IT TODAY. GIVE
YOURSELVES A HELL YEAH. HELL, YEAH.

GIVE YOURSELVES A WE
FREAKING DID IT. WE FREAKING DID IT.

GIVE YOURSELVES... GIVE
YOURSELVES A... DO TO ME ZU. A WHAT?

DOOMY ZO. WHAT THE HELL? OH,
DUDE.

WHAT? >> IT WORKED. IT WORKED!

I'M FREE. I'M FREE IT. RON,
I'M COMING.

NO! NO! WHY AM I IN HERE.

YOU ARE SHANNON
NOW! WORK ALL RIGHT.

I'M GOING TO HEAD
OUT. OKAY. HAVE FUN.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? I DON'T KNOW,
FINISH UP WORK AND RELAX.

OKAY. WELL,
DON'T MISS ME TOO MUCH. I WON'T.

ALL RIGHT. BYE.
FINALLY HE'S GONE.

♪♪ I HAVE THE WHOLE
NIGHT TO UNWIND.

AND DO A LITTLE SELF-CARE.
THE ONLY WAY I KNOW HOW. ♪♪

♪ I'M GONNA WATCH A MURDER SHOW
MURDER SHOW ♪ ♪ I'M GONNA WATCH A

MURDER SHOW ♪ ♪ NETFLIX
SHOWTIME HBO AND DAYLIGHT ♪

♪ MURDER SHOW MURDER SHOW I'M
GOING TO WATCH A ♪ ♪ MURDER SHOW

YOUTUBE HULU THAT'S MY ♪ ♪ FAVORITE
THING TO DO THIS GUY JUST GOT KILLED ♪

♪ ON A CRUISE IN THE BAHAMAS I'M GONNA
HALF WATCH IT ♪ ♪ WHILE I FOLD MY PAJAMAS

SEVERED LIMBS FOUND ♪ ♪ ON A BEACH
IN CHULA VISTA BUT I JUST KIND OF CHILL ♪

♪ WHILE I EAT A PIECE OF PIZZA
♪ ♪ THEY DIG UP SOME BODIES

AND DO AN AUTOPSY ♪ ♪ BORING WAKE
ME UP WHEN IT'S MUNCHAUSEN BY PROXY ♪

♪ A BODYBUILDER CHOPPED UP AN
OLD LADY ♪ ♪ I WATCH IT WHILE I TEXT

MY SISTER ABOUT HER BABY ♪ ♪ MURDER SHOW
MURDER SHOW EVERY TYPE OF MURDER SHOW ♪

♪ LATE NIGHT TRUE CRIME THIS IS MY
RELAXING TIME ♪ ♪ MURDER SHOW MURDER SHOW

I'M GOING TO WATCH A ♪ ♪ MURDER
SHOW LAST NIGHT I SAW A NEW ONE ♪

♪ WHERE THEY FOUND A CHEERLEADER'S
HEAD IN ♪ ♪ AN OLD COAL MINE

I WATCHED IT WHILE I ♪ ♪ PAID MY
TAXES ONLINE THEY FOUND A KILLER ♪

♪ ON THE LOOSE IN TEXAS AND I'M
ON INSTA KEEPING ♪ ♪ TABS ON MY EXES

CANNIBALS HAVE CUT OFF ♪ ♪
PEOPLE'S LIPS AND THEY BOIL THEM ♪

♪ I WATCH IT ALL WHILE I SIT ON THE
TOILET ♪ ♪ PRETTY GIRLS GOT SCALPED

AT THE PROM ♪ ♪ I WATCH IT
IN THE BACKGROUND WHILE I ♪

♪ FACE TIME MY MOM AND AS SOON
AS I'M DONE ♪ ♪ I LISTEN TO A PODCAST

ABOUT THE SAME GUY ♪ ♪ AS THE SHOW I
JUST WATCHED BECAUSE NOW I'M FULLY DOWN ♪

♪ THE RABBIT HOLE I HOPE FOR A
BODY COUNT ♪ ♪ LIKE SIX OR SEVEN

A REALLY HIGH BODY COUNT ♪ ♪
10 OR 11 15 16 NOW IT'S GETTING ♪

♪ INTERESTING FINALLY IT'S 20
AND ♪ ♪ GIRL HE AIN'T WORTH IT ♪

WHAT THE HELL? HAVE YOU JUST BEEN
WATCHING MURDER SHOWS ALL NIGHT?

YES. YOU DO REALIZE THERE'S A TYPE
OF SHOW THAT'S EVEN BETTER THAN

MURDER SHOWS, RIGHT? WAIT,
WHAT? OH, YEAH.

♪ HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT CULT SHOWS
CULT SHOWS ♪ ♪ DIFFERENT KINDS OF

CULT SHOWS ♪ DISCO
♪ MURDER SHOWS AND

CULT SHOWS ♪ ♪ AND DON'T
FORGET BAKING SHOWS ♪

BAKING SHOWS ♪ WHAT?
I LIKE BAKING SHOWS.

WE NOW RETURN TO THE CONCLUSION OF
"CINDERELLA" ON DISNEY PLUS, WHICH DOESN'T HAVE

COMMERCIALS SO I GUESS YOU JUST
PAUSE IT. ATTENTION ALL MAIDENS OF THIS

DWELLING. PRINCE CHARMING
WISHES TO HAVE A WORD.

OH, PRINCE CHARMING. I WONDER WHAT
HE WANTS. CINDERELLA, GO TO YOUR ROOM

AT ONCE. THIS DOESN'T
CONCERN YOU. YOU'RE POOR.

YEAH, THE PRINCE IS HERE TO SEE US,
THE EVIL, HOMELY STEP SISTERS.

MEN DON'T WANT A NICE, PRETTY BLONDE
GIRL. THEY WANT LOUD, MEAN FREAKS.

CINDERELLA DOESN'T HAVE A UNI-BROW. OH,
THAT'S OKAY.

I'LL JUST GO TALK TO THE BIRDS.
THEY'RE MY REAL FRIENDS. PSYCHO.

NO, WAIT. THIS CONCERNS
EVERY MAIDEN IN THE KINGDOM.

YOU SEE, I FALL IN LOVE, BUT WITH WHOM I DO
NOT KNOW. PERHAPS SHE IS HERE RIGHT NOW.

PERHAPS SHE IS. COULDN'T BE CINDERELLA,
THAT'S FOR SURE.

WE KEEP HER LOCKED IN THE
ATTIC. OKAY. WELL, THAT'S A CRIME.

WHEN THE PRINCE COMES TO VISIT, PEOPLE USUALLY
SAY, "HELLO, MY LORD," NOT "WE GOT A GIRL IN THE

ATTIC." BUT EVEN HER NAME IS GROSS,
CINDERELLA.

WOULDN'T YOU PREFER MY DAUGHTER
DRUSELLA? THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND

OUT WHO MY MYSTERY LOVE IS. YOU SEE... OH,
MY. THE SMELL IS REALLY HITTING ME

NOW. YES, WHAT IS THAT? SORRY,
I ONLY EAT BERRIES AND

RAW DEER MEAT. YOU SEE, I SPENT ONE
MAGICAL EVENING WITH THIS MYSTERY WOMAN

AND SHE VANISHED AT MIDNIGHT, AND ALL
THAT WAS LEFT WAS THIS. HER GLASS SLIPPER.

HUH. WHAT? NOTHING,
IT IS JUST IT LOOKS

SMALL. WHAT DO YOU MEAN? THE SHOE,
IT'S SMALL.

I THINK IT IS A PRETTY STANDARD
WOMAN'S SHOE. ARE YOU SERIOUS?

IT IS LIKE A MONOPOLY TOKEN. HUH, YES,
I GUESS MY PERSPECTIVE WAS OFF BECAUSE I

WAS SITTING ON A PILLOW. DO
YOU THINK IT IS LIKE A CHILD'S SHOE?

NO, BUT I DON'T LOVE HOW CASUALLY
YOU ASKED THAT. IT IS WAY TOO SMALL FOR A

CHILD, MAYBE EVEN TOO SMALL FOR A
DOLL. YOU REALLY DIDN'T CLOCK THE SHOE

AT WEIRD AT ALL? WELL,
IT'S GLASS. I THOUGHT THAT WAS WEIRD.

REGINALD, IS THIS SHOE ODD TO
YOU? I MEAN I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS

MY PLACE TO COMMENT, BUT THAT SHOE IS TINY
AS HELL. I'M A FOOTMAN, IN MORE WAYS THAN

ONE, BUT EVEN FOR ME THAT'S A FREAKY
LITTLE SHOE. WELL, MY FEET ARE PRETTY

SMALL. THEY DON'T FEED ME
ENOUGH TO GO THROUGH PUBERTY.

YEAH, BUT I DON'T THINK YOU COULD EVEN
GET ONE OF YOUR TOES INTO THIS THING.

SO THEN WHO HAS A
FOOT THIS SMALL? I DOES.

I'M SORRY. I DOES.
THIS SHOE IS YOURS?

OH, IT DEFINITELY DOES. OH,
HURRAH. MOUSELINA, THIS IS WONDERFUL

NEWS. YOU FOUND YOUR PRINCE CHARMING. YEP,
I GUESS I DOES.

>> DUDE,
YOU BANGED A MOUSE. WHAT, NO?

WE DIDN'T BANG. I MEAN WE DIDN'T DO
ANYTHING, AND SHE WASN'T A MOUSE.

SHE WAS A HUMAN WOMAN. NO, IT WAS MOUSE,
AND MOUSE WENT ALL THE WAYYEAH, HE DUNKED

ME IN A GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE AND I WAS
READY TO ROCK. NO, NO, I REMEMBER IT WAS A

WOMAN AND SHE RAN AWAY AND HER CARRIAGE TURNED
INTO A PUMPKIN. DUDE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT DRUGS

YOU'RE ON, BUT IT DEFINITELY DIDN'T
AFFECT YOUR PERFORMANCE AT ALL.

I MEAN YOU'D THINK THIS PRINCE WAS A
CONSTRUCTION WORKER THE WAY HE WAS JACKHAMMERING.

REGINALD, DID I REALLY,
WITH A MOUSE? WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP ME?

HEY, I DON'T JUDGE. LOVE IS LOVE IS
LOVE. YOU DON'T THINK JAFAR EVER

SPRINKLED SOME BIRD SEED DOWN
THERE AND LET IAGO GO TO TOWN? WHAT?

HEY, I DON'T KNOW,
MAN. THIS IS STUFF I BE THINKING ABOUT.

OH, RELAX, PRINCE. I'M TOTALLY
COOL. I'LL HAVE THE BABY, NO PROBLEMO.

OH, MY GOD. IT'S OKAY. IT
IS PROBABLY MORE LIKE 12

BABIES, BUT DON'T WORRY.
I'LL EAT A COUPLE OF THEM. WAIT.

THAT MEANS THOSE RAT BABIES WILL BE PRINCES
SOME DAY. AND IF WE MARRY THEM, WE'LL

BE PRINCESSES. YES,
EVERYTHING IS COMING UP DRUCILLA.

♪ BIPITY-BOPPETY-BOO. THE PRINCE FOUND
OUT HE BONED A MOUSE WHEN HE FOUND MY TINY

SHOE ♪ HEY, LISTEN UP. HEY, HEY.

HEY, LISTEN! TO MICKEY'S
LAST FEW DAYS OF FREEDOM.

RIGHT. TO MICKEY'S. HELL, YEAH.

I ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO MARRY TRISHA
KENTWORTH FROM MRS. CHRISTIANSON'S CLASS.

WHAT? YEAH,
IT IS SOMETHING FROM GROWING UP.

ALL RIGHT, I JUST WANT TO SAY YOU ARE AN AMAZING
FRIEND AND I'M REALLY PROUD TO BE YOUR BEST

MAN. YEAH! THANK YOU, BUDDY.

CHEERS! OH,
COULD THAT BE THE PIZZAS? WHAT?

NO. PLEASE TELL ME YOU DIDN'T. NO,
YOU GUYS.

OH,
MY GOD. OH! DID SOMEONE ORDER AN EXTRA

LARGE SAUSAGE? I MAY
HAVE TO BLOW ON IT. OH!

HEY,
MAN. THIS IS REALLY SPECIAL. THANK YOU.

OF COURSE, MAN. ♪♪ ♪ WELL,
I'M GOING TO MARRY

THE WOMAN THAT I LOVE ♪ ♪ BUT
FIRST A TRADITION LONG SPOKEN OF ♪

♪ I'VE WAITED FOR THIS MOMENT
ALL OF MY LIFE ♪ ♪ TO GET HARD

WITH MY FRIENDS BEFORE I
MARRY MY WIFE ♪ ♪ I'M DRINKING BEER

AND HARD ALCOHOL ♪ ♪ GETTING
HARD WITH MY BROTHER-IN-LAW ♪

♪ NOW I SEE WHAT MY SISTER
SEES ♪ ♪ BECAUSE HE'S GOT A BONER

TO ME ♪ ♪ GETTING HARD WITH MY
HOMIES BONE UP NEXT TO MY PALS♪

♪ YOU ONLY GET ONE EXTRA BODY
MIGHT AS WELL SPREAD IT AROUND ♪

♪ OH, BONER, BONER, BONER BONER NEXT
TO MY FRIENDS ♪ ♪ ONE NIGHT AWAY FROM

OUR LAME ASS LIVES ♪ ♪ WE'LL
GET HARD AND THEN IT ALL ENDS ♪

♪ OH, I GOT TO PLAN THE EVENING
♪ ♪ HIS LAST NIGHT AS A FREE MAN

BUT GETTING IN TROUBLE TONIGHT
THIS WAS MY ONLY PLAN ♪ ♪ I NEEDED THIS

OH, I NEEDED THIS ♪ ♪ I'M MARRIED
WITH KIDS AND I NEEDED THIS ♪

♪ I'M LOOKIN' A WOODY ON MY NIGHT
AWAY ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE IF I DON'T THEN I THINK

I'LL GO GAY ♪ ♪ OH, BONER, BONER,
BONER THAT'S WHAT TONIGHT'S

ALL ABOUT ♪ ♪ EVERY SINGLE
CAN EXPECT EXCEPT FOR THE GUY

WHO FOUND OUT ♪ ♪ I'M THE FRIEND
FROM HOME I'M FEELING LIKE A LONER ♪

♪ THIS GUYS DON'T GET OUR INSIDE
JOKES THAT'S WHY I NEED MY BONER ♪

♪ 'CAUSE IT DON'T MATTER WHERE
YOU'RE FROM ♪ ♪ JUST GET A HARD ON

AND SING ALONG ♪ ♪ OH, BONER, BONER,
BONER BONER NEXT TO MY FRIENDS ♪

♪ WE'RE ALL ROCK HARD IN ONE BIG
ROOM AND WE'LL NEVER DISCUSS IT AGAIN ♪

♪ THESE ARE MY BEST FRIENDS MY BROTHERHOOD,
MY CREW ♪ ♪ AND WE HONOR A

TIMELESS TRANSITION ♪ ♪ MY DAD
GOT HARD WITH HIS FRIENDS, TOO ♪

AMAZING JOB, LADIES. WE DIDN'T DO
ANYTHING. YEAH, YOU JUST SANG ABOUT

YOUR STIFFY DING-DONGS THE
WHOLE TIME. COME ON, BRING IT IN, GUYS.

COME HERE. WE LOVE YOU,
MICKEY. I LOVE YOU, GUYS.

YES! >> BYE BYE. OW, OW, OW.

OW, OW,
OW. TRAFFIC JAM. [ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]

NICK JONAS. [ CHEERING
AND APPLAUSE ] ♪♪

♪ HOUSTON, THINK WE GOT SOME
PROBLEMS FIND SOMEBODY WHO

CAN SOLVE 'EM ♪ ♪ I FEEL LIKE A
SPACEMAN I FEEL LIKE A SPACEMAN

TV TELLS ME WHAT TO THINK BAD
NEWS ♪ ♪ MAYBE I SHOULD DRINK

'CAUSE I FEEL LIKE A SPACEMAN
I FEEL LIKE A SPACEMAN ♪

♪ THEY SAY IT'S A PHASE IT'LL CHANGE
IF WE VOTE AND I PRAY THAT IT WILL

BUT I KNOW THAT IT WON'T ♪ ♪ I'M A
SPACEMAN YEAH, I'M A SPACEMAN

AND THE NUMBERS ARE HIGH BUT WE KEEP
GOIN' DOWN ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE WE AIN'T SUPPOSED

TO LIVE WITH NOBODY AROUND I'M
A SPACEMAN YEAH, I'M A SPACEMAN ♪

♪ AND I'M TALKING TO YOU BUT IT
NEVER FEELS LIKE IT COMES THROUGH

I'M ON MY OWN ♪ ♪ I'M A SPACEMAN YEAH,
YEAH

I'M A SPACEMAN FROM THE
DARK SIDE ♪ ♪ OF THE MOON

I KNOW THAT IT'S SAD BUT
IT'S TRUE I'M TRYNA GET HOME ♪

♪ I'M A SPACEMAN YEAH,
YEAH I'M A SPACEMAN

MASK OFF MINUTE I GET HOME ♪
♪ ALL SAFE NOW THAT I'M ALONE

ALMOST LIKE A SPACEMAN I FEEL
LIKE A SPACEMAN ♪ ♪ KEEP ON THINKING

THAT WE'RE CLOSE NO DRUGS STILL
AN OVERDOSE I'M IN OUTER SPACE MAN ♪

♪ I FEEL LIKE A SPACEMAN AND I'M
TALKING TO YOU BUT IT NEVER FEELS

LIKE IT COMES THROUGH ♪ ♪
OUT ON MY OWN I'M A SPACEMAN

YEAH,
YEAH I'M A SPACEMAN ♪ ♪ FROM THE DARK SIDE

OF THE MOON I KNOW
THAT IT'S SAD BUT IT'S TRUE ♪

♪ I'M TRYNA GET HOME I'M A SPACEMAN YEAH,
YEAH

I'M A SPACEMAN ♪ ♪ HARD
TIMES MAKE YOU LOVE THE VIEW

RIGHT NOW THINK I'M GETTING
THROUGH ♪ ♪ ONLY WAY THAT I CAN

BUT I FEEL LIKE A SPACEMAN AND I'M
TALKING TO YOU BUT IT NEVER FEELS ♪

♪ LIKE IT COMES THROUGH
OUT ON MY OWN I'M A SPACEMAN

YEAH,
YEAH ♪ ♪ I'M A SPACEMAN FROM THE DARK SIDE

OF THE MOON I KNOW THAT
IT'S SAD ♪ ♪ BUT IT'S TRUE

I'M TRYNA GET HOME I'M A SPACEMAN YEAH,
YEAH, I'M A SPACEMAN ♪

♪ OUT ON MY OWN DON'T WANNA
BE ALONE DON'T WANNA BE

DON'T WANNA BE ♪ ♪ OUT ON
MY OWN DON'T WANNA BE ALONE

DON'T WANNA BE DON'T
WANNA BE ♪ ♪ OUT ON MY OWN

I'M A SPACEMAN
I'M A SPACEMAN ♪ ♪♪

♪♪ IT'S WEEKEND UPDATE WITH
COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.

[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ] ♪♪ GOOD EVENING,
EVERYONE.

WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE."
I'M MICHAEL CHE. I'M COLIN JOST.

WELL, JUST LIKE ME WHEN I'M DRUNK, CONGRESS
DECIDED TO SPEND A BUNCH OF MONEY AT 2:30 IN THE

MORNING. THEY PASSED A $1.9
TRILLION STIMULUS BILL, AND REPUBLICANS

ARE CALLING IT A LIBERAL WISH
LIST. BUT I DON'T KNOW, I THINK A

LIBERAL WISH LIST WOULD BE AVOCADO TOAST
WITH CHRISSY TEIGEN, FREE COLLEGE FOR PETS,

AND A HIP-HOP MUSICAL ABOUT ANDERSON
COOPER STARRING LIN-MANUEL MIRANDA.

SENATOR LINDSEY GRAHAM SAID HE'S VERY PLEASED
THAT THE BILL WILL NOT INCLUDE AN INCREASE TO THE

MINIMUM WAGE BECAUSE OVER THE YEARS GRAHAM HAS
ACTUALLY GROWN TO LOVE THE TASTE OF FAST FOOD

WORKER SPIT. SENATOR JOHN THUNE
SAID HE OPPOSED THE $15 MINIMUM WAGE

BECAUSE HE USED TO GET BY ON $6 AN HOUR AS
A YOUNG MAN. BUT THAT WAS LIKE 40 YEARS AGO

WHEN RENT WAS LIKE A DOLLAR AND EVERYBODY HAD
ONE PORNO TAPE. SEE, THIS IS WHY DEMOCRATS NEVER

GET STUFF DONE. YOU KEEP LEAVING IT
TO A VOTE AND TAKING "NO" FOR AN ANSWER.

WHEN REPUBLICANS LOSE THE VOTE, THEY STORM
THE CAPITOL. WHY CAN'T Y'ALL GET THAT MAD.

SAY WHAT YOU WILL ABOUT A VIKING HELMET TAKING
A DUMP IN NANCY PELOSI'S DESK, BUT HE WILL NOT

BE IGNORED. TOMORROW NIGHT DONALD
TRUMP WILL GIVE THE KEYNOTE ADDRESS AT

THE CONSERVATIVE POLITICAL ACTION
CONFERENCE. FOR A PREVIEW OF THE SPEECH,

GIVE YOUR GRANDPA COCAINE. SENATOR TED CRUZ
IS ALWAYS THE KILL IN F MARY KILL, HE TAPED

HIS HALF HOUR SPECIAL AT THE CPAC
THIS WEEK. HERE IS A SAMPLE OF THE KILLER

SET. I HAVE GOT TO SAY,
ORLANDO IS AWESOME!

IT IS NOT AS NICE AS CANCUN. YEAH, NO, YOU
DON'T DO THAT. NO, YOU ARE NOT IN ON THE JOKE.

IT IS NOT FOR YOU TO ENJOY. ALSO,
WHAT GROWN MAN YELLS ORLANDO IS AWESOME?

YOU HEAR A GROWN MAN YELL ORDINARY IS AWESOME,
YOU SHOULD PROBABLY CHECK HIS HARD DRIVE.

THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION IS HOPING TO PERSUADE
MORE BLACK PEOPLE TO GET VACCINATED BY

SETTING UP VACCINATION SITES IN CHURCHES, AND
I'M SURE BIDEN MEANS WELL BUT IT IS SUCH AN OLD

WHITE GUY IDEA. YOU KNOW THAT IDEA
STARTED WITH THE WORD, HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT

THOSE PEOPLE LOVE? DURING THE GOLDEN
GLOBES THIS SUNDAY A NEW COMMERCIAL

WILL AIR THAT WILL BE THE FIRST TO EVER
SHOW LACTATING BREASTS ON TELEVISION.

UNFORTUNATELY, THOSE BREASTS BELONG TO
THE GREEN M & M. THE FDA HAS AUTHORIZED A

VACCINE FROM NEW JERSEY-BASED COMPANY JOHNSON
& JOHNSON. JOHNSON & JOHNSON WILL NOW PAIR

THE VACCINE WITH NEEDLES FROM NEW JERSEY'S
NUMBER ONE SYRINGE SUPPLIER, THE BEACH.

WE ARE ALMOST HALFWAY THROUGH THE NBA SEASON
AND THE FRONT-RUNNER FOR ROOKIE OF THE

YEAR IS MELLOW BALL. HERE TO COMMENT
IS HIS OUTSPOKEN FATHER, LaVAR BALL.

HOW YOU DOING, MICHAEL? ME,
I'M INCREDIBLE. THAT'S GOOD TO HEAR.

WE HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN A WHILE. I WAS WORRIED
WITH ALL OF THIS COVID STUFF YOU MIGHT NOT BE

OKAY. MAN, I'M PERFECT. I
ALREADY GOT TEN SHOTS OF EACH

VACCINE. FIVE OF THEM MODERNA,
JOHNSON & JOHNSON, AND MY OWN HOME REMEDY,

LOOK VAL TRICKS. IT OCCURS HERPES BROUGHT
ON BY COVID-19, THE A/K/A THE MACARONI

VIRUS. IT HAS BEEN A
GOOD YEAR FOR MELLOW.

YES. AND HE IS PLAYING FOR THE
MOST GREAT TEAM, CHARLOTTE HORNETS.

THE REGIONAL BACON CAPITAL OF
THE WORLD. GATEWAY TO GASTONIA, NO

MOUNTAINS OR OCEAN, BUT ENOUGH HUMIDITY
TO MAKE YOUR BALLS STICKY AS TAFFY.

YOU THINK HE IS GOING TO WIN ROOKIE
OF THE YEAR? HE HAS ALL OF THE AWARDS

LOCKED UP. ROOKIE OF THE YEAR,
LOCKED UP. MVP, LOCKED UP.

PRETTY AS HOG AT THE MECKLENBURG COUNTY FAIR,
LOCKED UP. THAT MEANS HE HAS SOME GOOD ASS

BACON. MVP,
WHAT ABOUT LeBRON OR GIANNIS?

MAN, DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT
GIANNIS. HE HAS GOT THIS.

AFTER HE HAS WON HE IS GOING TO UNITE BOTH
NORTH AND SOUTH CAROLINA INTO A SUPER CAROLINA.

CALLED CAROLOSUS, MONSTER OF
THE SOUTH. NEVER LOST TO GODZILLA.

NEVER TO THE ZILLA. LOOKS
LIKE IT IS COMING TOGETHER.

IT SURE IS, MICHAEL. MELO IS THE QUEEN OF
CHARLOTTE. THE MY OTHER SON IS THE BARON OF

THE BIO. AND I HAVE A FOURTH SON
TEARING UP THE AUSTRALIAN LEAGUE.

LA DINGO. LA DINGO? YES,
HE WILL DUNK ON YOU AND

STEAL YOUR BABY. WELL, WITH ALL OF
YOUR SUCCESS, I'M SURPRISED YOU ARE

NOT CASHING IN ALL OF YOUR
BIG BALLER BRAND. OH, NO, NO, I AM.

INTRODUCING THE NEWEST BIG BALLER SHOES,
SPECIALLY DESIGNED BY THE MELO RIGHT IN THE

CAROLINAS, PRESENTED THE
CARAMELOS. IS THAT A CHOCOLATE SHOE?

YES, INDEED. NOW YOU CAN JUMP 30 FEET
IN THE AIR WHILE YOUR FEET ARE COVERED

IN SWEET. COVER DIGGER DUGGER DUNKUS,
BUT THAT'S NOT ALL.

THAT'S NOT ALL EVERY PAIR OF CARAMEL
OWE COMES WITH REAL CARAMEL INSIDE.

IT IS CHOCOLATE, CARAMEL, NOUGAT AND IT
FEATURES ALEXIS. ALEXIS, WHAT IS AMERICA'S TOP

HIGH PERFORMANCE FOOTWEAR.
THE 2021 CARAMELOS. NEVER LOST.

ALEXA, YOU ARE A BAD MAMA
JAMMA. PICK YOURSELF UP A PAIR.

$2,000, SEVEN-MONTH WAIT LIST. AVAILABLE
EXCLUSIVELY ON MY CELLPHONE BETWEEN THE HOURS OF

3:00 AND 6:00 P.M. MOUNTAIN
TIME. LaVAR BALL, EVERYBODY.

ON THE LOOSE. NIGHT
AND DAY. NIGHT AND DAY.

KELSEY GRAMMER ANNOUNCED HE
WILL STAR IN A REVIVAL OF "FRASIER."

FOR THOSE TO YOUNG TO REMEMBER, "FRASIER"
WAS THE SHOW THAT MADE "FRIENDS" LOOK BLACK.

AND AMERICAN AIRLINES PILOT REPORTED DURING
A FLIGHT OVER NEW MEXICO HE SAW A LONG

CYLINDER OBJECT COME CLOSE TO HIS
PLANE. SORRY, THAT WAS JUST OUR ENGINE,

SAID UNITED. A SAILOR WHO FELL
OVERBOARD SURVIVED FOR 14 HOURS IN THE

PACIFIC OCEAN BY FLOATING ON A LARGE PIECE
OF GARBAGE. "SORRY, THAT WAS OUR OTHER

ENGINE," SAID UNITED. DISNEY PLUS HAS
PLACED A DISCLAIMER IN FRONT OF OLD

EPISODES OF "THE MUPPET SHOW"
WARNING VIEWERS IT FEATURES OFFENSIVE.

I JUST WANT TO ASK, WHO IS ABOUT TO WATCH "THE
MUPPETS," THEN SAW A WARNING AND THOUGHT, "I BETTER

NOT"? IF ANYTHING, YOU'D BE LIKE,
"I'VE GOT TO SEE THIS EPISODE OF

'THE MUPPETS'!" DOES GONZO
FINALLY HAVE SEX WITH THE CHICKEN?

A NEW STUDY SHOWS THAT THE CORONAVIRUS
LOWERED THE AVERAGE LIFE EXPECTANCY FOR BLACK

AMERICANS BY NEARLY THREE YEARS. IN FACT, THE
CORONAVIRUS IS SO DEADLY TO BLACK AMERICANS IT'S

BEING SUSPENDED WITH PAY. NEW YORK CITY
STEAKHOUSE PETER LUGER PARTNERED WITH

MADAME TUSSAUDS TO FILL THE DINING ROOM WITH
WAX FIGURES OF CELEBRITIES DURING THE PANDEMIC.

SO YOU CAN GO ENJOY A STEAK WITH JIMMY FALLON,
OR HAVE A DESSERT WITH AUDREY HEPBURN, OR A DRINK

WITH... OH, NO, BILL COSBY! RESEARCHERS HAVE
DISCOVERED A PIECE OF 20 MILLION-YEAR-OLD

PETRIFIED WOOD ON THE GREEK ISLAND
OF LESBOS. THEY KNEW IT WAS FROM LESBOS

BECAUSE IT'S DOUBLE-ENDED. YOU'RE NOT GOING
TO LIKE THIS. THE CHIEF OF THE CHEROKEE

NATION IS CALLING ON CARMAKER JEEP TO STOP
USING THE TRIBE'S NAME ON ITS VEHICLES.

SO JEEP HAS AGREED TO CHANGE THE NAME TO,
OH, NO, THE AUNT JEMIMA MOBILE.

CONGRESSWOMAN MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE
CAUSED MORE CONTROVERSY AFTER SHE PUT UP A

SIGN OUTSIDE THE OFFICE OF A CONGRESSWOMAN
WITH A TRANSGENDER THAT SAID, THERE ARE TWO

GENDERS, MALE AND FEMALE. TRUST THE
SCIENCE. HERE TO COMMENT IS MARJORIE

TAYLOR GREENE. HELLO,
COLIN. I THINK I SAT ON A GUN.

IS THIS MINOR YOURS? NO,
I THINK YOU KNOW IT IS YOURS.

MINE, OKAY. YEAH. PERFECT.

YOU HAVE ONLY BEEN IN OFFICE A FEW WEEKS
AND YOU HAVE ALREADY MADE A LOT OF NEWS.

I KNOW. YOU KNOW WHAT,
THEY'RE CALLING ME CONGRESS'S NEW IT GIRL.

IT LIKE THE NEW THING? NO, IT LIKE THE
EVIL CLOWN THAT PREYS ON CHILDREN.

YEAH. WHY DID YOU PUT UP
THAT SIGN OUTSIDE YOUR OFFICE?

BECAUSE WE HAVE TO TRUST THE SCIENCE,
COLIN. YOU KNOW ME.

I'M A SCIENCE PERSON. I LOVE
SCIENCE. I'M ALWAYS TALKING SCIENCE.

OKAY. UNLESS THAT SCIENCE IS
ABOUT CLIMATE CHANGE, CORONAVIRUS,

SPACE LASERS, EVOLUTION, THE METRICS SYSTEM,
THE RHYTHM METHOD, LIVING ON MARS, JESUS'S

SKIN COLOR, BY THEWAY WHICH IS
WHITE. YOU SEE, SCIENCE TEACHES US

THERE ARE TWO GENDERS BECAUSE OUR
BODIES ARE MADE BY GOD A CERTAIN WAY, OKAY.

FOR WOMEN IT IS MILK, MILK, LEMONADE,
AROUND THE CORNER FUDGE IS MADE.

FOR BOYS IT IS BIG HAIRY CHEST LIKE KING
KONG, CRACK IN THE BUTT, TWO BALLS, DING-DONG.

THIS IS WHAT SCIENCE TEACHES US? YES,
THAT IS SCIENCE.

YEAH. WE'RE ALL ENDOWED
WITH TRADITIONAL GENDER ROLES.

OKAY. I'M A WOMAN, SO IT IS MY JOB
TO BULLY, THREATEN AND FIGHT MY

FEMALE COLLEAGUES.
SCIENTISTS CALL THESE CAT

FIGHTS. I'M NOT SURE.
YOU THINK I'M CRAZY.

SORRY, COLIN. I HAVE TO SNEEZE. UGGG,
SORRY, MY ALLERGIES.

THAT WAS A SNEEZE? YEAH, SEE,
WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL I SNEEZED ONCE AND

NOBODY SAID "BLESS YOU"
SO A DEMON GOT IN. BLUGGGG.

SORRY. COLIN,
I CAN'T HELP IT, I'M A FIGHTER.

I HAVE A BOMBASTIC PERSONALITY. I FIGHT THE
DEMOCRATICS, I FIGHT SOCIALISTS AND TRAUMATIZED

TEENAGERS WALKING ON THE TREAT,
I FIGHT MY OWN HAIR WITH A HAIR IRON AND.

THOSE DEMOCRATS IN CONGRESS
SCISSORED ME. I THINK YOU MEAN CENSORED ME.

I THINK YOU GOT THE WORDS MIXED
UP. MAYBE YOU SHOULD FOCUS ON THINGS

LIKE THE COVID RELIEF BILL? DO
WHAT? DID YOU HEAR THEY ARE TRYING TO

CANCEL MR. POTATO HEAD? YEAH, THE WOKE, RADICAL
LIBERALS WON'T HIM BE PROUD OF HIS POTATO

PENIS. I'M THE CRAZY
ONE. I DON'T THINK IT IS THE

ISSUE. IS THAT A PRIORITY
FOR A CONGRESSWOMAN?

ALL I'M SAYING IS IF MR. POTATO HEAD IS
ALLOWED TO MARRY ANOTHER MR. POTATO HEAD I

WILL KILL MYSELF. IS THAT CRAZY? YES,
THAT'S CRAZY.

MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE,
EVERYONE. I'M COLIN JOST.

♪♪ ALL RIGHT. NEXT RIDERS,
PLEASE.

DUDE, I'M SO GLAD WORLDS OF FUN
REOPENED. LIKE, I THOUGHT THEY WERE GOING

TO HAVE TO CANCEL JUNIOR YEAR
TRIP. I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WON

THE STUFFED GUY FROM "SOUL." I KNOW. I'VE,
LIKE, NEVER WON THE RING

TOSS. MY LUCKY DAY
I GUESS. [ LAUGHTER ]

ALSO, BRINKLEY, LIKE, HOW HAVE YOU
NEVER RIDDEN THE VIKING VOYAGER?

I DON'T KNOW. I, LIKE,
THINK WATER IS SCARY. ME TOO.

I'M A FOOL BABY IN THE SHOWER. YO,
THE VIKING VOYAGER IS SICK.

I'LL PROTECT YOU. SHUT UP. SO ARE YOU TWO,
LIKE, RIDING

TOGETHER? OH, I STRAIGHT UP DON'T CARE. OH,
WE LIKE TO HAVE PAIR UP

FOR THE RIDE, HUH? YEAH. LIKE,
HOW MANY EVEN IS IT TO,

LIKE, A FLUME? I THINK IT IS TWO
MAX. I THINK TYPICALLY GUY/GIRL, BUT

I DON'T CARE. YEAH. REALLY.

FRESIAN AND MALCOLM SAID THEY WOULD
RIDE TOGETHER. OOH, UH, I DON'T CARE.

SO, SURE. YEAH,
WHATEVER MAKES SENSE FOR THE GROUP.

LIKE HEIGHT WISE,
TOO. OKAY. IF IT'S HEIGHT WISE I GUESS ME

AND BRINKLEY MAKE SENSE? YEAH,
I FEEL LIKE HEIGHT WISE THAT CHECKS OUT.

YEAH. UM, YES. SO THEN,
UM, COOK WOULD YOU BE

COOL RIDING WITH A GUY FROM "SOUL?" UM,
I KIND OF FEEL LIKE I

RODE WITH HIM ON THE LAST RIDE, AND THE RIDE
BEFORE THAT. SO I THINK IT MAKES SENSE FOR ME

TO RIDE WITH A PERSON, OR A GIRL THIS
TIME. BUT, LITERALLY, ALL I CARE ABOUT

IS GETTING WET. WAIT, BRINKLEY AND BRET,
DIDN'T YOU GUYS RIDE TOGETHER ON

ZULU. >> WE DID? DID WE?

UHM, I THINK, LIKE, I EITHER RODE
ALONE OR WITH THE GUY FROM "SOUL."

NO. PRETTY SURE JOE GARDNER
HAS ONLY RIDDEN WITH ME.

WHO IS JOE GARDNER? UH, THE GUY
FROM "SOUL." YEAH, I DEFINITELY REMEMBER

BEING WITH HIM ON THE ZULU AND THE
MAMBA. I DON'T CARE, BUT IF WE WANT TO

KEEP IT EVEN, I DON'T THINK I SHOULD BE THE
- - ALWAYS RIDING WITH THE GUY FROM "SOUL".

OKAY. I MEAN I CAN RIDE WITH YOU,
COOK.

MALCOLM, YOU COOL TO RIDE WITH THE
GUY FROM "SOUL?" WELL, ISN'T THIS THE ONE

WHERE WE'RE, KINDA LIKE,
SUPPOSED TO KIND OF SIT IN HIS LAP?

WAIT,
WHAT? YOU DO? HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK?

I THINK WE, LIKE, HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO
DO A DEMO. JUST TO PRACTICE, I GUESS.

OKAY. SO I GUESS I'LL SIT HERE,
AND THEN YOU'D BE BETWEEN MY LEGS, I

GUESS. OKAY. YOU WANT ME TO TRY?

RIGHT, FOR LIKE, HEIGHT. OH, RIGHT,
HEIGHT. BECAUSE I DON'T CARE.

I FEEL LIKE FOR HEIGHT I WOULD BE
BETTER BEHIND. OH, NO, THIS IS GOOD FOR

HEIGHT. SHOULD WE? OH,
YEAH, DEMO HOW TO SIT?

SURE. I WOULD BE LIKE THIS,
RIGHT? YEAH.

AND THEN YOU WOULD BE HERE, BUT WHAT DO I DO
WITH MY ARMS BECAUSE I DON'T WANT THEM TO GET

WET. I THINK THEY WOULD BE
LIKE MY SEATBELT, LIKE THIS.

OKAY. WE ACTUALLY DIDN'T DEMO
THAT. LIKE SHOULD WE PRACTICE?

LIKE FOR HEIGHT? YEAH,
FOR HEIGHT. I GUESS LIKE THIS.

YEAH, AND THEN, COOK, WOULD YOU WANT
TO TRY GETTING IN WITH THE GUY FROM "SOUL"?

LIKE FOR HEIGHT? UM, OKAY. OKAY.

ALL YOURS, COOK. OKAY. SO I
GUESS I WOULD BE BACK HERE.

YEAH, AND THEN JOE WOULD BE IN YOUR LAP,
COOK. OKAY.

SO LIKE THIS OR... YEAH, BUT THAT
DOESN'T MAKE SENSE HEIGHT WISE, COOK.

YEAH, HE'S TALLER THAN YOU,
COOK. YEAH.

LIKE, SO "SOUL" GUY SHOULD BE BEHIND YOU,
COOK. OKAY.

SO I'M IN HIS LAP? EXACTLY,
COOK. YEAH.

ALL RIGHT. YEAH,
LET ME JUST... GET HIM AROUND.

[ LAUGHTER ] SO IT
WOULD BE MORE LIKE...

SO MORE LIKE THIS?
YES. PROBABLY LIKE...

YEAH. AND THEN HIS ARMS ARE YOUR SEATBELT,
COOK.

OH,
OKAY. SO IT'S LIKE THIS? YEAH.

YES. I MEAN ARE YOU COMFORTABLE,
COOK?

HM, I GUESS. BUT I DON'T WANT TO, LIKE,
HUG THE GUY FROM "SOUL" IF SOMEONE

ELSE WANTS TO TAKE A SPIN.
GOING ONCE. GOING TWICE.

NO. >> PASS. >> ALL RIGHT.

ALL PARTIES HERE, FOLKS? YES,
HERE WE GO. ALL RIGHT.

ENJOY. HAVE FUN,
COOK. IT'S ROBERT.

I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY KEEP CALLING
ME THAT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪ SHE THE VERY BEST AND
GETS IT ALL OFF HER CHEST.

SHE'S MULTI-PLATINUM AND KNOWS WHAT'S
HAPPENING. IT'S "THE DIONNE WARWICK TALK

SHOW." HELLO. WELCOME
TO "THE DIONNE WARWICK

TALK SHOW," A SHOW WHERE I ASK
CELEBRITIES WHATEVER I WANT TO KNOW.

THANKS AS ALWAYS TO MY PRODUCER AND MY
NIECE, BRITTANY. HEY, GLAD TO BE HERE AUNT

DIONNE. AND NOW FOR
TODAY'S TOP NEW STORIES.

♪♪ ♪ I KNOW I'LL NEVER
LOVE THIS WAY AGAIN ♪

♪ HOLD ON HOLD ON ♪ >> YEAH.

[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
]. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

LET'S BRING OUT OUR FIRST GUEST,
THE WEEKND. [ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ].

OKAY. WHAT IS YOUR WHOLE SITUATION? OH,
HI.

I'M A PERFORMER,
MAYBE YOU SAW ME AT THE SUPER BOWL. YES.

YOU GAVE ME VERTIGO. NOW, MR. WEEKND,
YOU ARE ADDICTED TO PLASTIC SURGERY,

CORRECT? UH,
NO. WHEN YOU SAY, "I CAN'T FEEL

MY FACE," IS THAT 'CAUSE IT IS FAKE
NOW? OH, NO, THE PLASTIC SURGERY

WASN'T REAL. OKAY. NOW,
HERE IS A QUESTION.

WHY ARE YOU FROM CANADA?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND. OKAY.

THANK YOU FOR PARTICIPATING.
WONDERFUL. GOODBYE.

TAKE CARE. [ CHEERING
AND APPLAUSE ] ALL RIGHT.

MY NEXT GUEST IS THE REASON ALL OF
MY ASSISTANTS GOT BLOW-OUTS TODAY.

PLEASE WELCOME NICK JONAS. [ CHEERIC
AND APPLAUSE ] THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR HAVING

ME. OKAY. EXPLAIN YOURSELF.

I'M NICK JONAS,
A COACH ON "THE VOICE." OKAY.

I HAVE HEARD YOU ARE THE MOST BORING COACH,
EVEN THOUGH ONE OF THE COACHES IS JOHN LEGEND.

HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? I DON'T
KNOW. YOU HAVE A SONG "WHAT A MAN

GOT TO DO." WHAT'S THAT
ABOUT? GOING DOWNTOWN?

HE'S GOT TO DO IT. I CAN'T ARGUE WITH
YOU THERE. NOW, WHAT IS "CAKE BY THE

OCEAN." WHO THE HELL
WANTS TO EAT A SANDSY CAKE?

WELL, THAT'S MY BROTHER'S
SONG. AS SOME PEOPLE THINK IT IS

EUPHEMISM FOR SEX ON THE BEACH. OKAY,
WELL, NOW I LIKE YOUR ASS.

AGAIN, NOT MY BAG. ALL RIGHT,
DO YOU AND YOUR BROTHERS EVER FIGHT?

SOMETIMES. COULD YOU
FIGHT WENDY WILLIAMS FOR ME?

I DON'T THINK SO.
OKAY. LAST QUESTION.

YOUR WIFE LOOKS LIKE THIS. NOW
SHOW US YOUR PENISE [ LAUGHTER ]

I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT. ALL
RIGHT. THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.

[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ] NOW, BRITTANY,
I WAS NOMINATED FOR THE ROCK AND ROLL

HALL OF FAME AND I NEED ENOUGH
VOTES TO GET IN. AM I BEATING CAROLE KING?

NOT YET, AUNT DIONNE. WHAT ABOUT
FOO FIGHTERS? NO, AUNT DIONNE.

WHAT ABOUT KATE BUZZ. OH,
YOU KICKING HER BUTT, AUNT DIONNE.

OKAY. GOOD. I DON'T HAVE TO WIN,
BUT I

CANNOT LOSE. OKAY. NOW
FOR OUR ANIMAL SEGMENT.

[ LAUGHTER ] ♪ KEEP SMILING ♪ HI,
MS. DIONNE.

♪ KEEP SHINING ♪ TODAY WE'RE
GOING... ♪ KNOWING YOU CAN ALWAYS

COUNT ON ME ♪ ♪ FOR
SURE THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS

ARE FOR ♪ [ LAUGHTER ] THANK YOU,
THANK YOU.

ALL RIGHT. LET'S BRING OUT
OUR NEXT GUEST. DUA LIPA.

♪♪ DUA LIPA,
WHY WOULD YOU MAKE YOUR NAME NASTY?

THAT'S SPANISH FOR TWO LIPS. YOU'RE A HUSSIE
IN DISGUISE. THAT'S JUST MY REAL NAME.

MAYBE YOU KNOW ME FROM ONE
OF MY SONGS. ♪ I GOT NO RULES

I COUNT 'EM ♪ SO HERE IS A
QUESTION. LITTLE YACHTY.

A YACHT IS SUPPOSED TO BE BIG. IF YOU
ARE A LITTLE YACHT, YOU ARE SIMPLY A BOAT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE. NOW,
WENDY WILLIAMS ONCE

CALLED YOU DUALA PEEP. MY LAST
QUESTION IS SHOULD WE EGG HER HOUSE?

NOPE. OKAY. THEN WE
GOING TO TAKE MY CAR,

BABY. THANK YOU FOR
COMING. YOU GO WAY IN THE CAR.

[ APPLAUSE ] ALL RIGHT.
OUR NEXT GUEST I TALKED TO

BACKSTAGE AND I AM OKAY WITH
THIS. BUT I SEE YOU WEREN'T GOOD

WITH IT THE LAST TIME. NO,
NO, NO, NOW IT IS ALL RIGHT.

I UNDERSTAND HE IS A VERY NICE MAN.
LET'S WELCOME MACHINE GUN KELLY.

[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]. HEY. NO,
NO, NO.

GET HIM OUT OF HERE. HE IS TOO
SCARY. YOU SAID YOU WAS OKAY THIS

TIME. BABY,
I CHANGED MY MIND. HE HAS GOT TO GO.

ALL RIGHT. LATER. MUCH BETTER.

MUCH BETTER. OKAY,
AUDIENCE. WE ARE AT THE BEST PART OF THE

SHOW. GO AHEAD AND
LOOK UNDER YOUR SEATS.

EVERYBODY GETS SOMETHING. ♪ THE
MOMENT I WAKE UP ♪ IT IS TICKETS TO "THE

DIONNE WARWICK TALK SHOW."
THAT'S RIGHT! SEE YOU TOMORROW.

SEE YOU TOMORROW. [
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ] ♪♪

ONCE AGAIN, NICK JONAS. ♪♪

♪ BUT I'M HERE BECAUSE YOUR BODY MY
MOTIVATION ♪ ♪ WHAT IF WE FOUND A WAY TO GET

CLOSE WITHOUT FEARS ♪ ♪ KEEP IN MIND WE'RE
ESCAPING ♪ ♪ IF YOU TOLD ME THAT MY FACE

WHAT SOMETHING ♪ ♪ WOULD YOU
BELIEVE IT ♪ ♪ I WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT ♪

♪ EVERY KISS WITH YOU IS LIKE A PRAYER FALLS
FROM MY LIPS ♪ ♪ NOW I'M A BELIEVE MANY ♪

♪ I'M A BELIEVER ♪ ♪ THIS IS HEAVEN AND I
DON'T KNOW HOW THIS COULD GET MUCH

BETTER ♪ ♪ YOU AND ME HERE RIGHT
NOW ♪ ♪ THIS IS HEAVEN AND EVERY TIME

I TOUCH YOU IT GETS BETTER ♪ ♪ I'M
ON MY KNEES ♪ ♪ I CAN'T STOP NOW ♪

♪ THIS IS HEAVEN ♪ ♪ THIS IS
HEAVEN ♪ ♪ THIS IS HEAVEN ♪

♪ THIS IS HEAVEN ♪ ♪ THIS IS ♪ ♪
SUNLIGHT ANOTHER LONG NIGHT

NOTHING WILL I DON'T THINK ♪ ♪ YOU HAVE MY
ATTENTION ♪ ♪ I KNOW NOTHING IS PERFECT BUT

THIS IS CLOSE ♪ ♪ DON'T GO,
KEEP COMING IN MY DIRECTION ♪

♪ IF YOU TOLD ME THAT MY FACE WAS ON
YOUR FINGERTIPS, I WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT ♪

♪ I WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT ♪ ♪ IF
IT KEEPS ME YOU ON MY LIPS ♪

♪ I'M A BELIEVER ♪ ♪ I'M A BELIEVER
♪ ♪ THIS IS HEAVEN AND I DON'T

KNOW HOW THIS COULD GET MUCH
BETTER ♪ ♪ YOU AND ME HERE RIGHT NOW ♪

♪ THIS IS HEAVEN ♪ ♪ AND EVERY
TIME I TOUCH YOU IT GETS BETTER ♪

♪ I'M ON MY KNEES I CAN'T
STOP NOW ♪ ♪ THIS IS HEAVEN ♪

♪ THIS IS HEAVEN ♪ ♪ THIS IS
HEAVEN ♪ ♪ THIS IS HEAVEN ♪

♪ I'M ON MY KNEES ♪ ♪ I CAN'T
STOP NOW ♪ ♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪

♪ OH, OH, OH,
OH ♪ ♪ YEAH, OO, OO ♪ ♪♪

♪ I'M A BELIEVER ♪ ♪ OH, OH,
♪ ♪ THIS IS HEAVEN AND I DON'T

KNOW HOW COULD THIS COULD GET MUCH
BETTER ♪ ♪ BUT YOU AND ME HERE RIGHT

NOW ♪ ♪ THIS IS HEAVEN AND EVERY
TIME I TOUCH YOU IT GETS BETTER ♪

♪ I'M ON MY KNEES I CAN'T
STOP NOW ♪ ♪ THIS IS HEAVEN ♪

♪ THIS IS HEAVEN ♪ ♪ THIS IS
HEAVEN ♪ ♪ THIS IS HEAVEN ♪

♪ I'M ON MY KNEES I CAN'T
STOP NOW ♪ ♪ THIS IS HEAVEN ♪

♪ THIS IS HEAVEN ♪
♪ THIS IS HEAVEN ♪ ♪♪

♪♪ ♪ THIS IS HEAVEN ♪ [
CHEERING AN APPLAUSE ]

YOU PLAY WONDERFUL. BARTENDER,
I'LL TAKE ONE MORE, IF YOU DON'T MIND, AND

DON'T BE STINGY WITH THE SCOTCH. OH,
HELLO. I DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE.

BUT YOU STILL DON'T. YOU'RE LOOKING
THE WRONG WAY. I'M OVER HERE.

OH. I SEE. I MUST HAVE
BEEN LOOKING AT YOUR

REFLECTION IN THAT MIRROR OVER
THERE. THAT'S NOT A MIRROR, THAT'S A

PAINTING OF A LION WITH AN
EXPLORER'S HEAD IN ITS MOUTH. OH.

SO IT IS. YOU HAVE TO FORGIVE
ME. THIS IS MY FIRST TIME I HAVE

BEEN OUT SINCE LOCKDOWN. SAME
FOR ME. I'M NOT USED TO BEING OUT IN

PUBLIC AND I'M DEFINITELY NOT USED
TO FLIRTING WITH HANDSOME MEN.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD
GIVE IT A TRY. ALL RIGHT.

HOW'S THIS? THERE ARE MITES IN YOUR
PILLOWS, AND IF YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR MOUTH

OPEN THEY WILL GO RIGHT IN. THAT
WASN'T GOOD. NO, I THOUGHT IT WAS CUTE.

WHY DON'T YOU TRY A
PICKUP LINE ON ME. OKAY.

HERE'S ONE. YOU HAVE BEAUTIFUL EYES
BUT THEY'D LOOK BETTER ON MY FLOOR.

I DON'T THINK YOU SAID THAT RIGHT.
MAYBE JUST TRY MAKING A FLIRTY

FACE. LIKE THIS? WOW,
THAT'S... THAT'S MAGIC.

SPEAKING OF MAGIC, WOULD YOU LIKE TO
SEE A LITTLE... A TRICK AS AN ICE BREAKER?

I INSIST. OKAY. I HAVEN'T
DONE THIS SINCE BEFORE

QUARANTINE SO I HOPE I CAN.
KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE CHERRY

STEM. ALL RIGHT. I DID IT!

WOW. WHERE DID YOU
LEARN THAT? HOGWARTS.

KIDDING. PRISON. KIDDING.

PRISON, I'VE BEEN TO PRISON. A
BUNCH. THAT'S WHERE I GOT THESE

TATTOOS. RAN OUT OF MONEY
BEFORE YOU COULD GET THE "E"?

OH, NO, I JUST LOVE HATS. HOW ABOUT YOU,
DO YOU KNOW ANY TRICKS?

OH, NO. WELL, I KNOW ONE,
BUT IT IS DUMB.

OH, NO, NO, SHOW ME. I WANT TO
SEE IT. IF THE TRICK IS ANYTHING LIKE

YOU, IT MUST BE VERY HANDSOME. WELL,
OKAY. WATCH CLOSELY.

MEOW. IT IS STUPID. I
DIDN'T EVEN DO IT RIGHT.

OH, NO, I LOVED IT. BARTENDER,
CAN WE GET A BOWL OF MILK, PLEASE?

OH,
YES. RIGHT AWAY. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

WOW. THIS IS GREAT. I LIKE YOU.

I LIKE YOU. WOULD YOU CARE TO
DANCE? I THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER ASK.

NO, I MEANT WITH ME. OH. OH,
I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S BEEN SO LONG SINCE I'VE DONE ANYTHING
LIKE THAT. WHAT SONG WOULD WE DANCE TO?

HEY, PIANO GUY. MY NAME IS
GUY PIANO! SORRY, MR. PIANO.

DO YOU KNOW A GOOD SONG FOR
DANCING WITH A BEAUTIFUL STRANGER?

IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I'VE TAKEN
REQUESTS, BUT HOW ABOUT THIS?

♪♪ WOW,
TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME.

PERFECT. >> SHALL WE? ♪♪

JUST GO SLOW, OKAY? I'VE BEEN HURT
BEFORE. I WALKED INTO A SLIDING GLASS

DOOR TODAY. REMEMBER WHEN
THEY USED TO PLAY THIS AT BALL GAMES.

HMM. IT'S BEEN SO LONG,
I WONDER IF WE REMEMBER THE WORDS.

♪ TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL
GAME PUT ME OUT IN THE SNOW ♪

♪ BUY ME SOME PEANUTS AND HACKY
SACKS I WONDER WHAT THIS THING

IS ON YOUR BACK ♪ ♪ AND IT IS ONE,
TWO THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX

AND THAT'S HOW NUMBERS WORK
♪ YOU EVER THINK THINGS GO BACK

TO NORMAL, THIS BIG BEAUTIFUL BITCH
OF A CITY EVER BE WHAT IT ONCE WAS?

IT WILL. I KNOW IT WILL.
DO YOU BELIEVE ME?

I DO. AND I THINK I'VE
FALLEN IN LOVE WITH YOU.

AND I JUST REALIZED I DON'T EVEN KNOW
YOUR NAME. OH, IT IS SUZANNE JOHNSON.

HMM, THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL NAME.
WHAT'S YOURS? JOHN SUZANASON.

WOW,
I GUESS IT IS FATE. I GUESS IT IS. ♪♪

THANKS TO MY INCREDIBLE
BROTHER KEVIN. [ APPLAUSE ]

TO THIS TRULY UNBELIEVABLE CAST AND
CREW. IT HAS BEEN SUCH AN HONOR TO BE

HERE. I LOVE YOU
ALL. I LOVE YOU ALL.

THANK YOU! GOOD NIGHT! ♪♪

♪♪ ♪♪

♪♪

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