Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 46, Episode 1 - Chris Rock/Megan Thee Stallion - full transcript
Host Chris Rock; Megan Thee Stallion performs.
[ Cheers and applause
good evening
I'm your moderator, Chris
Wallace.
And I think I'm going to do a
really, really good job tonight.
First, I want to lay out the
rules.
Which both parties agreed to in
advance.
Each candidate will have two
minutes uninterrupted.
Boring.
Mr. President, I haven't even
introduced the candidates yet.
Tell that to my Adderall,
Chris.
Now let's get this show on the
road and off the rails
and you did take the COVID
test you promised to take in
advance, correct
absolutely.
Scout's honor.
President Trump has already
introduced himself
so let's now welcome the
Democratic candidate
boo
here comes the booing.
[ Laughter ]
Former vice president of the
United States.
Allegedly
>>.
[ Laughter ]
And senator from Delaware
not even a real state
Joe biden
[ Cheers and applause
Mr. Vice president
just one second, Chris.
[ Laughter ]
Okay
it looks like you're ready to
debate, Joe.
Absolutely not.
But I've got the beginning of 46
fantastic ideas.
I may or may not have access to.
[ Laughter ]
Now, let's do this
I'm holding my bladder
let's get at her
tonight we'll be discussing
six major topics, none of which
anyone will remember by
tomorrow
we begin with the supreme court.
President Trump, two minutes
I'm going to do ten
and I'd like to begin with a
list of complaints
people are mean to me.
Joe here is very mean.
Chris Wallace is mean.
The economy is mean.
It keeps losing jobs
which is mean.
To me.
The China virus has been very
mean to me
and being a hoax
and that statement is something
that I will -- probably come
back to haunt me later this
week
and what about the question I
asked you about the supreme
court?
I think I already answered
that question, Chris
we're very excited about our
nominee, Amy Christina
Barcelona.
It was so nice to welcome her
the other day with open arms and
uncovered faces.
Mr. Vice president, same
question
you have two minutes
thank you, Chris.
Now, look.
Here's the deal.
No, it's not.
Excuse me
please
could you just --
no.
Whatever you're going to say,
no
Mr. President
Mr. President, please let him
speak.
He let you speak
now let him speak.
But he's lying.
I can't point out if he says a
lie?
I said two words, you son of
a -- no.
Don't do it, Joe
that's exactly what he wants
don't let your inner whitey
bulger come out.
Just flash them all that smile
they taught you in anger
management
now, Mr. Vice president and
only Mr. Vice president, would
you consider adding additional
justices to the supreme court?
He won't even answer.
I just asked the question
he won't even answer it
just like he won't he answer
about his son hunter and burisma
and the mayor of Moscow and
Obama was spying on me and he
e-mailed Benghazi.
Mr. President, you're just
listing terms you heard on fox
news
it sounds like you're saying the
names of characters from season
4 of a show that no one has
watched.
Sheriff of Portland
Mr. Vice president, your
turn
look, here's the deal
can I respond to that, Chris?
Will you just shut up, man?
[ Cheers and applause
no, Joe.
No
don't lose control
it's what he's hoping for.
Okay
Where was I?
You said "look, here's the
deal."
okay.
Look, here's the deal.
Nope
lost it.
Come back to me.
I'll find it
it's up here somewhere
Chris, can I say one thing?
Am I allowed to say one thing?
Yes, Mr. President.
What we need in this country
is law and order
when someone breaks the rules,
they need to face the
consequences
no exceptions.
Okay.
What about your taxes?
There have to be exceptions,
Chris.
The terms law and order, they're
very vague terms
and rules are meant to be
broken
it's the same with masks
I've got mine right here in my
pocket
okay
it's right here.
[ Laughter ]
But you don't need a mask all
the time
it's like a seat belt.
You just wear it when you're
backing out of the driveway,
then you can take it off
[ Laughter ]
But Joe wears the biggest mask
you've ever seen
and he's always standing like
200 feet away from people.
Look, man
I'm a nice guy
but if you give me any more guff
tonight I'll rip your face off
like a mad chimp
[ Laughter ]
I'll knock that thing off your
head and burn it
Bury it in the pet cemetery
where it came from
stop it, Joe
stop it.
You can't lose your cool just
because this joker's raising
little monkey dust
the country's counting on you.
Just stand here and look lucid
[ Laughter ]
I know it.
I know what'll calm me down.
My new Harry styles meditation
tape
we dip our toes in cold wet
sand
nice.
We sit and face the sea
cleansing
we let the waves watch over
us
alone.
Just you and me.
Hey
I think maybe I should listen
to my meditation tape as well.
Ladies and gentlemen!
Freedom, Liberty and the
American dream
the best is yet to come!
Aaaaahhh
all right, all right.
Can we please have a civilized
dialogue
debates are a time-honored
tradition and the bedrock of
American democracy
gay
[ laughter ]
Mr. President, if you keep
interrupting this debate, I'll
do absolutely nothing about it
okay, okay.
I'll be quiet.
I don't want to be dictated
to
and I'm not going to be
distracted anymore by this clown
tonight.
Okay
I'm definitely going to
concentrate.
I'm going to try to keep my --
what is that
where's that coming from
Mr. President, please stop
using a laser pointer.
It's not a laser pointer.
It's a wand that cures the
COVID.
Boys, boys, boys, boys, boys.
[ Cheers and applause
both of you, just stop right
now.
All right?
You look at me, Donald
you do not treat my Joe like
that
all right?
Kamala, I got this.
Joe, let mamala go to work.
[ Laughter ]
Now, Donald, I want you to
apologize to Joe
he started it
hey
hey!
I don't care who started it.
All right?
I don't even care who sharted
it
you apologize to Joe
no
I'm sorry
what's that
I said sorry.
You know, look, I think if
there's one thing we learned
tonight, it's that America needs
a wap.
Woman as president
[ Cheers and applause
but for now I'll settle for
hvpic.
Hot vice president in charge
so why don't the to owo of you
finish this debate or whatever
the hell this is with dignity?
And when you're done I've got
some pb and j and apple slices
waiting for you.
Yummy
thank you, senator Harris.
Oh, I am not done with you,
Chris.
You will see me in my office
after debate
ooh
ooh
and finally, just to ensure
this is the worst presidential
debate in history, I'd like to
close with white supremacy
ooh, baby, come to papa
[ laughter ]
Mr. President, I'll ask you
directly
do you condemn white
supremacists
condemn them?
I don't know any
I mean, who are you even talking
about?
The proud boys
the white boot
the eugenics eagles?
I don't even know any of these
groups
I certainly wouldn't even know
how to signal them if I tried.
America, are you listening to
this
the president of the united
states is literally blowing a
dog whistle.
[ Laughter ]
I don't think this thing is
work
I don't hear anything.
Mr. Vice president, your
closing statement.
Well --
that is so unfair
why don't I get to make a
closing statement first?
After all, I am the pres---
[ laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause
sorry, but I think we all
needed a break
isn't that satisfying?
Just not to hear his voice for a
single goddamn second.
[ Cheers and applause
let's wall low in it
let's bask in the trumplessness.
[ Laughter ]
Now, Chris, could I speak
directly to the American people?
Is it going to be weird
totally
[ Laughter ]
Totally weird.
America.
Look at me
look directly into my eyeballs
you can trust me
because I believe in science and
Karma.
Now, just imagine if science and
Karma could somehow team up and
send us all a message about how
dangerous this virus can be.
[ Laughter ]
I'm not saying I want it to
happen
just imagine if it did
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause
Nope.
Can't do it.
I'm going to leave him on pause.
Oh, and one more thing
live from New York, it's
Saturday night
Saturday night
announcer: It's "Saturday
night live"!
With -
Beck Bennett
aidy Bryant.
Michael che.
Pete Davidson.
Mikey day.
Heidi gardner.
Colin jost
Kate McKinnon.
Alex moffat.
Kyle mooney.
Ego nwodim
Chris redd
cecily strong.
Kenan Thompson
Melissa villasenor
featuring --
Andrew dismukes.
Chloe fineman.
Lauren holt.
Mikey Johnson.
Bowen Yang
musical guest
Megan thee stallion.
And your host, Chris rock.
♪
Ladies and gentlemen,
Chris rock
[ cheers and applause
♪
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you very much!
Before we even get started
let's -- you know, the elephant
in the room.
President Trump's in the
hospital
from COVID
and you know, I just want to say
my heart goes out to COVID
[ laughter ]
This is a special show
this show is quite different
than every other show.
There are so many -- everybody
in this audience has been
checked and all week I've had
things going up my nose.
Every day I come in here
I haven't had so much stuff up
my nose since I shared a
dressing room with Chris farley.
[ Laughter ]
I've got to say, the audience,
this floor right here, are first
respond -- what are they, first
responders
all the audience right here.
[ Cheers and applause
everybody here
they're first responders
okay
they're so good, we let people
die tonight so they could see a
good show.
Okay
[ laughter ]
Now, you know, everything's --
the world is insane right now.
But one thing we can agree upon,
COVID has ruined our plans
we all used to have plans before
COVID.
Remember we used to be able to
plan stuff
my sister was getting married.
I paid bell biv devoe $80,000.
And I can't get it back.
[ Laughter ]
I had tickets to Coachella, man.
I know 200,000 Americans are
dead
but I'm not seeing rage against
the machine this year, man
[ laughter ]
That is a travesty
now, one thing I've noticed
about this whole pandemic.
People are like reassessing
their relationships.
That's the big thing
taking inventory
you know, a lot of break-ups
a lot of divorces.
And a lot of like
renegotiations
you know
couples stay together but
they're like okay, we're going
to stay together but I'm telling
you exactly what I don't like
about you right now.
[ Laughter ]
If we're going to keep this
going you're going to have to
change some stuff.
Okay
and it's weird
we're doing that with our
relationships.
All of us are doing that with
our relationships.
But I think we need to
renegotiate our relationship to
the government
you know
[ applause ]
It's like -- yeah, we need to
renegotiate our relationship to
the government
it doesn't work.
I mean, I think Joe biden should
be the last president ever
[ Laughter ]
We need a whole new system
okay
I mean, do we even need a
president president?
Or just figure out a new way to
do the job
I mean, what job do you have for
four years no matter what?
[ Laughter ]
Show me one job.
Like if you hired a cook and he
was making people vomit every
day, do you sit there and go,
"well, he's got a four-year
deal"?
We've just got to vomit for four
more years
[ Laughter ]
I mean, to be the president of
the United States all you have
to be is 35 and born in the
United States.
So you know, if anybody can be
the president, then anybody can
be the president
[ Applause ]
That's how we got in this
predicament.
You know what I mean
I mean, it should be some rules
to being the president
you realize there's more rules
to a game show than running for
president?
[ Laughter ]
Like Donald Trump left a game
show to run for president
because it was easier.
[ Laughter ]
That's right
there's rules to be on
"jeopardy.
You can't just jump on
"jeopardy"
you can't throw your son on
"jeopardy.
Or your son-in-law
Steve Harvey can't put his
family on "family feud."
[ Laughter ]
It's like real scrutiny, man
and do the democrats even want
to win
do they even want to win
it's like Trump, he runs
against -- the democrats just
keep putting up 75-year-old
people to run against Trump.
Now, hey, one thing we can say
about Trump.
He got the most energy of any
75-year-old person on the face
of the earth
even Mick Jagger's like, "slow
down, Donald."
[ Laughter ]
You know, Trump is like -- he's
like a dominant female boxer
he's like ronda rousey
like damn, it she can fight.
And then you go, oh, she hitting
girls.
[ Laughter ]
We've got to figure out our
whole relationship
we've got to renegotiate our
relationship to the government
the senate and the congress
doesn't work
no, it doesn't freaking work,
man.
It doesn't work.
And why doesn't it work?
Because they need freaking term
limits
okay
we've agreed in the united
states that we cannot have
kings.
Yet we have Dukes and duchesses
running the senate and the
congress making decisions for
poor people.
[ Applause ]
That's right
rich people making decisions for
poor people.
That's like your handsome friend
giving you dating advice
like I I think you should go
over there and grab her by the
ass and tell her it's yours.
Yeah, that works for you, Idris.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, we've got to take this
serious.
We've got to get out there
we've got to vote.
But they don't want us to vote
the government does not want you
to vote.
Why do I know they don't want
you to vote?
Because election day's a Tuesday
in November.
[ Laughter ]
Anybody here ever put something
on a Tuesday in November
does anybody get married on a
Tuesday in November?
Church ain't on a Tuesday.
[ Laughter ]
Even Jesus avoids Tuesday.
[ Laughter ]
You know, if this show was
Tuesday night live, it would
have got canceled in 1975.
[ Laughter ]
I mean, that's why we've got to
vote, man.
And we've got to take it
seriously.
We've got to take it serious
you know, like I watch the
Republicans take it serious.
You know, you watch fox news,
Sean hannity's mean.
Every day!
He's looking you in the camera,
he's telling you it's the end of
the world.
Listen to me
and every time I see Anderson
Cooper, he's with Andy Cohen on
new year's Eve, blowing a kazoo.
[ Laughter ]
Drinking Rose.
It's like of course they believe
Sean
you know, Walter cronkite was
like the most respected man in
news
you know why
'cause we never saw him in
shorts
[ Laughter ]
Okay
but we've got to take this
serious, man
we've got to take the whole
government serious
we've got to take the --
everything going on right now,
we can lick this
okay
we can beat this if we all work
together
you know, James Baldwin said,
not everything that is faced can
be changed but nothing can be
changed until it's faced
okay
[ cheers and applause
all right?
We've got a great show for you
tonight.
Megan thee stallion is here.
So stick around!
And we'll be right back.
[ Cheers and applause
action 9 news at 5:00.
Our top story, a potential
super spreading event has
occurred at the Pittsburgh
federal building
with more on this we go to
Dylan Bertram at the scene
Dylan, it seems like this story
is going really -- viral some?
Uh, that's in poor taste,
Ashley, and I apologize on your
behalf
here's what we know so far
health officials are attempting
to contact anyone who visited
the third floor of the federal
building today, home to the
legal change of name office,
after an employee tested
positive for COVID-19.
I'm joined by two women who were
on the way up to the third floor
to change their names when it
was evacuated.
Tell us your names and what
happened
Edith puthie.
I'm sorry
I said Edith puthie
I'm flattered, ma'am, but no
thank you.
No, Edith puthie is my name
Irma gerd
oh my god is right.
No, Irma gerd is my name.
Oh, I see
I've got it now.
I'm sorry.
Miss puthie, just curious.
What were you planning on
changing your name to?
Well, I was thinking of any
name that's not Edith puthie
Dylan, I hate to pull you way
from miss put hichlt e just as
you were getting into it but I'm
told the health department has a
statement.
Good afternoon.
I'm Dr. Kevin Joseph from
Pittsburgh's contact tracing
program.
We're still trying to locate the
following people who were in the
name change office today
Burton Ernie
Alma holzhert.
Ben ladden
and deepa daddy.
Mm.
Whatever you say, girl
sorry.
We're also looking for
Duncan Dixon-coffey.
Finn gurbang
and moe lestin Jr.
[ Laughter ]
Now I'd like to address the
rumor about Tess tichol.
A young woman who visited the
name change office today
reports she lost her sense of
taste and smell are false.
In fact, the Tess tichol I just
examined smelled and tasted
great.
It did?
Good for you, man
I'm sorry.
Thank you
all right
we'll keep our eyes peeled in
case Tess tichol pops out.
No word on when the office will
reopen, leaving many who wanted
to change their name frustrated.
Like this man, Mr. Mike rodick
oh, it's, uh, rodick.
You stress the ro.
Rodick
sorry to be annoying, but it
makes a difference
not a problem
Mike rodick was one of a -
sorry
I'm the worst, but the longer
you pause between Mike and
rodick the better it is for me
nothing crazy.
Just like Mike, little pause,
rodick
okay.
Maybe it's easier if I just call
you by what your name will be?
Sure.
I'm going with my mom's maiden
name, litt
l-i-t-t.
Okay.
Great.
I'm here with Mike litt.
Sorry, Dylan.
The department of health has an
update
hopefully you can find Mike litt
later and finish what you
started there.
But, now let's go to Dr. Joseph.
I'd like to thank this man
who was turned away from the
name change office but stuck
around to help us contact trace.
Mr. Jeffrey Epstein.
Jeffrey b. Epstein.
In my book, Jeffrey Epstein
is a hero.
You forgot that "b" again
very important "b.
I'm proud to call
Jeffrey Epstein a friend
you -- you're going to wish
you didn't say that.
Thank you
all right
well, I think we can all applaud
what Jeffrey Epstein did
Ashley
Dylan, we've got a little
more time.
Any chance of getting back to
Mike litt?
Uh, you know, he was right
under my nose, but I lost him.
[ Laughter ]
Well, you stay down there and
keep poking around
I will, but no promises
it's a real mess down here
[ laughter ]
I bet
more on this story as it
develops
for action 9 news I'm
Ashley spitzer-swallows.
[ Cheers and applause
♪
♪ hello hello hello hello
got your mask on
I can get lost
in your eyes all day ♪
♪ face time all night
go to slee
just tal
about everything ♪
♪ spend a month
a week and three day
and I want you in so man
ways but there's ♪
♪ one thing getting
in the way
I still ain'
seen the bottom ♪
♪ of your fac
what's up with
the bottom of your fac
bottom of your face ♪
♪ what it look like
♪ what's up wit
the bottom of your fac
let me see it baby
bottom of your fac
what's up with ♪
♪ million dollar smil
lower chin like leno
it's strange
you're by yourself looking ♪
♪ like bane
ain't seen
your whole fac
but I know your ♪
♪ dog's nam
it's sic
how your mas
matches your fit ♪
♪ but do you got your
teeny tiny lip
won't sham
what you look like ♪
♪ baby let's go
drop that mask
to the -
floor ♪
♪ what's up with the bottom of
your face ♪
♪ show the bottom baby
♪ what's up with the bottom of
your face ♪
♪ what's up with that
♪ boy shut up yeah yeah
we've been talking
for a minute
but this dude ♪
♪ want me maskles
in a pandemi
he don't car
about your health ♪
♪ he just wants to see yo
topless pulling up
to his cri
swallowing his chocolate ♪
♪ you want to see
the bottom of my fac
take your hat of
show me how that head ♪
♪ is shaped
I bet money that that hairline
crooked take the beard off and
show me how the jaw looking ♪
♪ okay y'all took
this the way I ain't
mean ♪
♪ next he gonna
say we shouldn't
get vaccin
you probably think ♪
♪ we also can't vot
your body is your choice
your mind is
your thoughts ♪
♪ your Booty is your voic
boy stop
ya'll wanna hot girl
or not ♪
♪ they trying t
catch corona for the wap
they got the right one
we can tease them all day ♪
♪ but let's give them
what they want
bottom of your fac
they about to show it to u
bottom of your face ♪
♪ what's up wit
the bottom of your fac
I can almost see I
I don't think you understand ♪
oh, she made me say it.
But you don't know what the hell
she look like.
There could be a whole ecosystem
living under that thing.
♪ She also may have
only one big tooth
sneaky -
hiding her giuliani teeth ♪
♪ life's a roller coaster
♪ before you go
back to that place
you've got to se
the bottom of their face ♪
♪ bottom of their fac
whoo
hello ♪
[ Cheers and applause
♪
Tony hawk, you've done it
again.
"Pro skater 2" far surpasses the
original
Brad, dinner's almost ready
this is your ten-minute warning.
I heard you the first time,
Rachel
please call me "mom."
Hey, whatever
no wonder dad left to become a
priest
now if I could just grind this
lunch table like a p-i-m-p
♪
Hello, Zach
hey, what's up?
Whoa, are you like a ghost
yeah, I'm like a ghost.
But specifically a ghost from
the future
and I have something important
to show you.
Okay.
Just one sec
I'll be right with you
seriously, can you pause it
go ahead, dude, I'm
listening.
Frick, I almost landed that
combo.
I was going to show you what
your future was like
but if you just want to play
your little skateboard game,
that's fine.
Wait, see my future
yeah, I'll pause my game for
that frickin' crap
hey, hopefully I live at the
playboy mansion.
You don't
okay.
Well, then hopefully I'm married
to Eliza dushku and the mom from
"spy kids.
Well, you might want to lower
those expectations
here
take a look.
♪
Whoa.
Hey.
Is that me
this is you in 2020
okay
a global pandemic sends your
life into a tailspin
you lose your job and you have
to move back in with your mom.
And this is all you ever do.
Oh, my god.
Yeah.
I know
right?
I can't believe it.
Those graphics
are fricking insane!
Holy frig!
They look like real!
Frig
no, no, no.
Forget about the graphics.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah
I'll just forget about the most
amazing thing I've ever seen
seriously, are you blind
did you look at the clips while
playing with yourself?
It looks like real
and what the frig kind of
console is that?
A PlayStation 2?
Ps2
no
that's an old ps4.
534
oh, god.
I think I just nutted for the
first time in my life.
[ Laughter ]
You didn't.
Okay.
And is that a wireless
controller
can I have 2020 now, please?
Can you please just stop
fixating on the game and take
this seriously
yeah, yeah.
I'll take this seriously
right after I do this.
♪
♪ those graphic
I just saw the mos
awesome graphics
and suddenly this game ♪
♪ will never be the Sam
those graphics ♪
stop with the song parodies,
you goofy ass.
Hey, man.
You don't understand?
In 20 years the world as you
know it is going to change
forever.
Look
hey
that's my mom.
Oh, wow.
And she's a dentist now.
[ Laughter ]
Zach, everything okay
nah
this Wi-Fi sucks ass
why don't you start an onlyfans
so we can afford a second
router
hey, hey, hey
that is no way to talk to your
mother
this is my wife, damn it
hold up
my mom married kenan Thompson?
[ Laughter ]
What
"my mom married
kenan Thompson."
Coming to peacock this fall.
There's a new face in
daytime.
Hello to all my beautiful
wild flowers
after seeing what went down
with Ellen, we took a hard turn
in the other direction
I am just like you.
A boho free spirit mommy mother
movie star since I was 6
it's "the drew Barrymore
show."
How drew you do
tune in to see her have a
blast by herself in a big empty
studio
totally motally otally.
Watch as she connects to her
zoom audience.
Thank you for being my vffs,
virtual friends forever.
Drew gives back to worthy
families in the best way she
can.
How are you holding up?
You know it's been tough.
My husband and I are working
from home and we have almost
$50,000 in hospital bills.
I feel that, Linda.
And that's why we're paying to
renovate your walk-in closet
and don't worry about her
being mean to the crew
thank you
they say she maintains eye
contact too long and is too
emotionally supportive
just --
I'm a hugger.
No.
Okay.
Thank you
be the third wheel in a
celebrity catch-up
my best friend Reese
Witherspoon, the best woman on
earth.
You are literally -- I marvel at
you.
I love you.
I want to come into your room
and murder you with a butter
spoon.
Get drew's take on the news
hot off the press, brushing
your teeth is a game changer
and stay tuned for a
harrowing catch-up between drew
and her ex-husband Tom green
it's been what, 15 years?
Yeah.
Would you like some sausage?
You want guests
drew texts everyone in her phone
and interviews whoever shows up.
Like Nicole Kidman
thank you for allowing me to
be on your show.
Drew, this is your show
oh, my god.
Thank you.
At least someone's enjoying
00:37:13,004 --> 00:37:16,001
and now sensational
homosexual Billy Porter singing
to a flower.
♪ edelweiss
♪ oh
♪ ay, ay, ay, ay
is this happening
or am I kind of high
"the drew Barrymore show.
You're in your bed anyway.
Just watch it.
Ladies and gentlemen, Megan
thee stallion.
[ Cheers and applause
♪
♪ I'm a savag
attitude nasty
talk big big but
my bank account match it ♪
♪ hood, but I'm class
rich, but I'm ratchet ♪
♪ haters kept my name
in they mout
now they gaggin ♪
♪ bougie, he sa
the way that thang mov
it's a movie ♪
♪ I told that boy
we gotta keep it low
leave me the room key ♪
♪ I done bled the block
and now it's hot, ho
I'm tunech
a mood and I'm moody, ah ♪
♪ I'm a savage yeah
classy, bougie, ratche
yeah, okay ♪
♪ sassy, moody, nasty
yeah, hey, hey
acting stupi
what's happening ♪
♪ woah, woah, woa
what's happening
what's happening? ♪
♪ I'm a savag
yeah, okay
classy, bougie, ratche
yeah ♪
♪ sassy, moody, nasty
hu
acting stupi
what's happening? ♪
♪ What's happening?
Ayy, ah ♪
♪ like Beyonce, like me
he want
like the stallio
with the knees ♪
♪ he be lik
damn, how that thang movin
in them jeans?
Yeah, yeah, them jeans ♪
♪ ayy, even d4l couldn'
do it like me, like me ♪
♪ I need a mop to
clean the floo
it's too much drip, ooh ♪
♪ I keep a knot
I keep a watch
I keep a whip, ooh ♪
♪ let's play a game
Simon says
I'm still that, ay ♪
♪ I'm a savag
classy, bougie, ratche
sassy, moody, nasty ♪
♪ acting stupid
what's happening
what's happening ♪
♪ hips tiktok
when I dance
on that demon time
she might start a onlyfans ♪
♪ big b and tha
b stand for band
if you wanna see some real
baby, here's your chance ♪
♪ I say, left cheek
right cheek, drop it low
then swang, swang ♪
♪ Texas up in this than
put you up on this game, gam
Ivy park on my frame, fram
gang, gang, gang, gang ♪
♪ if you don't jump
to put jeans o
baby, you don't feel
my pain hol' up ♪
♪ I'm a savag
classy, bougie, ratche
sassy, moody, nasty ♪
♪ acting stupid
what's happening
what's happening ♪
♪ I'm a savag
classy, bougie, ratche
sassy, moody, nasty ♪
♪ acting stupid
what's happening
what's happening ♪
The most disrespected,
unprotected, neglected person in
America is the black woman
who taught you to hate the
texture of your hair, the color
of your skin, the shape of your
nose
who taught you to hate from the
top of your head to the soles of
your feet?
Daniel Cameron is no
different than the sellout
negros that sold our people into
slavery.
We need to protect our black
women and love our black women
because at the end of the day we
need our black women
we need to protect our black men
and stand up for our black men
because at the end of the day we
need our black men
♪ I'm a savag
classy, bougie, ratche
sassy, moody, nasty ♪
♪ acting stupid
what's happening
what's happening ♪
♪ I'm a savag
classy, bougie, ratche
sassy, moody, nasty ♪
♪ acting stupid
what's happening
what's happening ♪
♪
[ Cheers and applause
update" with Colin jost and
Michael che.
[ Cheers and applause
hello.
Good evening, everyone
welcome to "weekend update.
I'm Michael che.
I'm Colin jost.
Well, say what you will about
2020, but it's got moves
[ laughter ]
This news was a lot for us to
process a day before we came
back on the air after four
months off
and it all happened so fast,
I woke up yesterday and heard
the president had mild symptoms.
Then four hours later, he was
getting medevaced to a hospital
in what looked like the last
chopper out of Vietnam
[ laughter ]
I have to say, it's a bad sign
for America that when Trump said
he tested positive for a virus
60% of people were like, prove
it
[ laughter ]
It's been very weird to see all
these people who clearly hate
Trump come out and say we wish
him well
I think a lot of them are just
guilty that their first wish
came true.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, well, you know,
politics aside, this is awful
news for us because Trump was
actually supposed to host "SNL"
next week.
[ Laughter ]
Okay, serious voice.
While in the hospital the
president isn't allowed to see
any guests, but he is expected
to be visited by three ghosts.
[ Laughter ]
Probably one from the past, one
from his -- okay, look, this is
weird.
Because a lot of people on both
sides are saying there's nothing
funny about Trump being
hospitalized with coronavirus.
Even though he mocked the safety
precautions for the coronavirus.
And those people are obviously
wrong.
There's a lot funny about this
maybe not from a moral
standpoint
but mathematically, if you were
constructing a joke, this has
all the ingredients you need
[ laughter ]
The problem is it's almost too
funny.
Like it's so on the nose
it would be like if I were
making fun of people who wear
belts and then my pants
just immediately fell down
[ laughter ]
A new poll shows that 75% of
lgbtq voters support Joe biden
but 0% of them support Joe biden
guessing what the b, t, and q
stand for.
[ Laughter ]
I have to say you know who's got
my support for president
NBA commissioner Adam silver
he somehow built a bubble that
is better than anything our
government could come up with.
Instead of stopping the bubble
when the season ends, why don't
they just slowly expand it until
it covers the whole country?
[ Laughter ]
Just saying.
By the way, is anyone
surprised by this?
I honestly thought Trump was
trying to get coronavirus.
I thought it was like "groundhog
day" when bill Murray just knew
he couldn't die.
And he was just trying anything.
So all those maskless rallies
Trump was having, that was him
being safe
look, I don't want the president
to die, obviously.
Actually, I wish him a very
lengthy recovery
[ laughter ]
[ Applause ]
I will say that despite
everything President Trump
actually seems to be in good
spirits.
He tweeted a message that ended
with "love" and three
exclamation points
uh-oh
so it sounds like they're
cutting his hydroxychloroquine
with a little bit of Molly
[ Laughter ]
And then this is good.
Just hours ago Trump released a
video from the hospital saying
he's in better health, which is
great news, though I will point
out that if the situation were
reversed and it was biden who
got sick Trump would 100% be at
a maskless rally tonight getting
huge laughs doing an impression
of biden on a ventilator
just saying.
Just saying.
This week a judge blocked
America's ban on the
Chinese-owned app tiktok, which
the White House claims is a
threat to national security.
And here to comment is Chinese
trade minister chin bao.
Mm!
What's popping, Michael che?
Tray daddy drop the addy
it's good to see you, chin.
You're the one overseeing this
tiktok deal?
No one else could do it but
me
'cause I'm a savage.
Classy, loyal, loyal supplicant
to the communist party
[ Laughter ]
Well, speaking of that,
there's concern the government
of China could be stealing our
data, our user data with this
tiktok app
what do you think of that?
Okay, you're worried we're
stealing your identity
honey, your phone unlocks with
your face.
Plus America steals Chinese
stuff every day.
Banning parts of the Internet,
arresting protesters
fireworks?
It's the hypocrisy for me, che
[ laughter ]
So you're not collecting our
user data?
I mean, sure, we have it.
But none of it is even that
juicy.
Like oh, you googled cousin Greg
shirtless 20 times last month?
You're not quirky.
You're just horny, Savannah.
[ Laughter ]
Who is Savannah
oh, just some girl who said
"she's doing the work on racism"
from her family's house in
nantucket.
Boat shoe-wearing bitch.
[ Laughter ]
Well, the deal requires that
tiktok be partially owned by an
American company, which is most
likely going to be Walmart
oh, Walmart
brick and mortar
cool
how long did that brainstorm
last
look, if you said name an
American company and I said
Walmart, that would make me
racist
[ Laughter ]
But I guess cracker barrel
didn't want to play ball
all right
so you seem pretty annoyed
I mean, yeah, I'm salty, che.
This has been a really hard time
for China.
Because of the virus?
No, because live action
"mulan" was just okay.
No songs, no mushu, no thank
$30 from me Disney plus.
But does all this make you
worry about the future of
tiktok
oh no, babe, you cannot stop
tiktok
we took videos and we made them
shorter.
We took babies and we made them
cuter.
We took lip-syncs and we made
them straight.
[ Laughter ]
So you want to stop China and
get in the way of us
well, I just checked my fenty
collab rolex and you're running
out of time.
So -
girl don't do it
it's not worth it.
I'm not going to do it, girl
I was just thinking about it
I'm not going to do it
tiktok!
Chen biao, everybody.
I did it.
I did it
I did it
Mitch McConnell, seen here
calmly watching an injured puppy
try to cross a busy high way,
said that the senate would move
forward with a vote on Trump's
supreme court nominee even
though he denied Obama's nominee
a vote in 2016
and if that makes you angry at
Mitch McConnell, you're going to
be really upset when you find
out your anger sexually excites
him.
The Tennessee titans halted
in-person workouts after three
players tested positive for the
coronavirus.
Well, I guess we've got to
cancel the whole season and
forget it ever happened, said
the New York jets.
This is fun.
A Canadian woman was fined more
than $25,000 for illegally
importing bull semen
meanwhile, in the U.S. bull
semen is sold legally under the
name white claw.
[ Laughter ]
A new law has been passed in
California requiring companies
to have more diversity in their
board of directors
which is how I forced my way
onto the board of b.E.T.
[ Laughter ]
B.e.t.
There's going to be some changes
around here.
[ Laughter ]
The CDC reported that
there's a salmonella outbreak
involving people who have pet
bearded dragons.
So if you have one at home,
remember to cook them all the
way through.
[ Laughter ]
Actor vin diesel has
released a dance music song
called "feel like I do."
And look, I know a lot of people
are making fun of them and
saying it's terrible and he
should stick to acting
[ Laughter ]
A 7-year-old -- a 7-year-old
boy in Pennsylvania set a new
world record by bouncing on a
pogo stick over 2,000 times in a
row.
Said the boy's parents, "open
the schools!
[ Laughter ]
Tourism and airplane travel
have been hit especially hard by
the coronavirus this year.
Here to comment on the changing
state of her industry is seventh
grade travel expert Carrie crum.
Chrpz chrnz
[ Cheers and applause
whoa!
I missed you, Michael.
I missed you too.
So how was your summer
it was awesome.
My mom bought me a chef's hat
for when I make pizza and my
brother shot me twice with a
paintball gun.
Well, that's pretty
impressive
so Carrie, you must have been
sad that you couldn't take any
of your fun trips this summer.
Oh, Michael, being at home is
the ultimate vacation.
You've got my room, my small
room, a small decorative box
filled with my baby teeth, and
an irrigation ditch where all my
pets were laid to rest
and did you know, Michael,
church is illegal right now?
So we listen to it on the radio.
And Michael?
Michael?
I looked into church in a
tankini.
[ Laughter ]
Well, that all sounds very
fun.
So what are some tips on how
people can enjoy a good
staycation
oh, well, bring the beach to
you with something my family
likes to call the hose in the
driveway
it's like a refreshing pool
where you don't have to know how
to swim and the water tastes
like dirt and metal.
[ Laughter ]
Okay, Carrie.
What about something fun for
kids going back to school
online
you've got to make the best
of the hard times.
I am loving computer school.
I'm never on mute.
I'm always talking, always
moving, and I can't stop looking
at myself.
And I didn't think that I could
ever have a crush over zoom.
But Jack mathers, I mean, during
social studies, I can see his
bedroom.
[ Laughter ]
And Michael?
Michael?
He's got a big lizard in there
bad boy.
[ Laughter ]
Okay.
All right.
Well, is it hard to not hang out
with your friends at least
well, technically, I'm never
alone because fairies are real
and when it rains it becomes
easier to see them
so it sounds like you
actually sort of thrived in
quarantine
well, yeah.
Except for -- well, my mom says
I need to get a --
[ Mumbling ]
A what?
A tank top with support
it's not a bra, but it do press
down
oh, my god.
Yeah, and then my brother
Mitchell found it.
He put it on
and then stuffed toilet paper in
like the holders
and he was walking around doing
like a chichi dance.
And I screamed so loud that my
dad thought I'd been hurt.
Whatever, though, because I
started drinking sprite out of a
coffee cup
I'm an adult
Carrie krum, everybody.
For "weekend update" I'm
Michael che.
Colin jost.
Good night
Live from big thunder
mountain hotel in Orlando, it's
the nbabubble draft finals wit
your host, patrice soupsalad
welcome, welcome, welcome
during this unique basketball
season our players have been
completely isolated from their
wives, their girlfriends, and
whoever else they might want to
see.
Now that we've reached the
finals, these lovely ladies have
one last chance to join the NBA
bubble
this is the "NBA bubble draft.
Brought to you by summer's
Eve, lysol wipes
because you may have sat in
something and you don't want to
get it that way.
Now, these women may not get
a championship ring, but they
could get the next best thing.
18 years of child support.
Let's pick the top draft picks
I'm Candice, and I've got a
really impressive resume
lil' Wayne, lil dicky, Wesley
snipes, and two years of nursing
school
show block
I'm queenie, a former hockey
ho in two sports
I used to follow the canucks but
now I follow the kanicks
I'm kitty and I'm an
essential worker here to shoot
my shot.
So you're a COVID nurse
sure.
Seeing a lot of promise here
today.
It's going to be difficult to
choose the smartest and the
prettiest and the most down, if
you know what I mean
how'd I get this bag?
How'd I get this ring?
Well, let's just say it's velvet
down there
hey, is that girl laughing at
me
sweetheart, that's a cutout
of a face.
Well, she got a stank face
and she flat as hell
hey, is this where the
Seattle storm and the Las Vegas
aces are staying
I think you're looking for
the wnba
right you are, sir.
Love is love.
And love is basketball
who's next
my husband and I have been
together since high school
we have five kids and I am his
rock
but he already told me he wasn't
allowed in the bubble, so I am
just here to send my man some
love
well, you are allowed in the
bubble
you just have to quarantine.
Oh.
Interesting.
That is not the information that
had been previously relayed to
me
but now that I am privy to this,
my husband is a dead man
things are heating up
how y'all doing
I'm c.J. And I've been here for
60 days.
Because I just have to keep
restarting quarantine because I
can't stop ordering buffalo wild
wings.
The bubble is tight
no ordering outside food
it's all right because I made
it to day 13
so I am good
hey, I have a buffalo wild
wings delivery here.
I said contactless delivery
man.
Hi.
I'm quarantining in Disney world
anyway
I used to work in the hall of
presidents
I played Monica Lewinsky
but then I got older
bills.
And now I get to be goofy.
Marry me, basketball
oh, sorry, I should put on my
mask
[ Laughter ]
You know what that sound
means.
A draft pick has been made
please welcome NBA commissioner
Adam silver.
Hey
good work, soupsalad
being here today proves that
even being in a pandemic you
can't keep a good host down.
That being said our point guard
beautiful wife Michelle is here.
So obviously --
change of plans
I choose her
oh, my god!
I promise you won't regret this.
Okay
it's been a long journey to get
here
all the dms.
All the thirst trappings
you got my Amazon wish list,
right?
Mm-hmm.
Love you.
First wives, second wives,
mistresses and side pieces
this has been the NBA bubble
draft.
And now the
stunt performers guild presents,
an epic virtual fight.
I wish I could be back on set
doing kick-ass stunts with my
friends.
Wait a minute.
We can do it from home
ya!
Ya
oh.
Oh, no way
uh
oh, no.
Not today.
You rotten kids
my ass
hi.
We are the stunt performers
of America
just like you, we can't wait
to get back to work.
We want to be doing epic car
chases
sick knife fights
karate and motorcycle jumps
and our expertise is mostly
falling down and getting hit in
the crotch by kids
yeah, we stunt double for
villains and children's
comedies
so, I typically play the fat
authoritative woman who people
like to see get hurt real bad.
I'm usually getting tossed.
Body going "aah" through the air
and kids are cheering.
That's probably me
we love what we do.
And there's all different
kinds of stunts.
Nothing makes me happier than
jumping through fire
or leaping off a helicopter
or getting kicked into a
dumpster by a cow.
For the purposes of children's
comedy
yeah, it's been six months
since I've been able to use my
number one skill, which is of
course farting from being hit in
the head
and we're from the old
school
we're not faking those farts
no.
I mean, it helps the kids
understand that we're not
actually being hurt.
We are just being hit so hard
that farts are coming out.
You might not know us but we
help make some of your favorite
movies
I drove the Maserati in
"furious 7."
I was an Amazon warrior in
"wonder woman.
And I played ugly shusher in
"cool kid library" and also evil
lunch lady in "camp bitch.
And I was the star of
"nurse wedgie.
In this one part, the kid
switched my hat for an octopus
and then I stumbled face first
into a toilet.
Which was hard because then we
had to go and shoot the scene.
Got to stay strong.
Got to stay in shape.
Yeah, don't want to lose our
ass calluses
one, two, three, four
these stunts hurt
I've been bit in the vagina by a
dog more times than I can count.
And the dogs don't understand
it's pretend
so if you want them to let go
you've got to cut their heads
off.
So everybody, please.
Wear your mask
stay home.
And hang in there.
So we can do more of this.
Ha!
Hya!
Oh, you -
[ fart sound ]
Not in my library
the stunt performers
association of America
shameful stunts call today
plau ][ Apse
once again, Megan thee
stallion
[ cheers and applause
♪
♪ real hot girl
ah, ayy ♪
♪ I got a stank
walk walk walk
and a reckless mouth
and my, so tight ♪
♪ when we, my, talk
♪ I don't even sa
what's u
I just tell hi
what I want ♪
♪ cause I got another
that's gon' do I
if he don't, ah ♪
♪ attitude ba
too good
when he sa
me, I tell him, me good ♪
♪ chase these
I wish I would
bad like m
wish they could ♪
♪ she a Casper to m
I need glasses to se
in the mall with her daddy
she a, to me ♪
♪ you ain't, him righ
pass him to me
real, love me from
the h to the d ♪
♪ don't sto
pop that cat
mmm, mmm
just like that ♪
♪ mmm, mm
shake that
shake that
mmm, mmm ♪
♪ work it, work I
don't stop, pop that cat
mmm, mmm
just like that ♪
♪ mmm, mm
shake that, shake that
hmm, hmm
work it, work it ♪
♪ patek, just for the day
say she gotta go
roll the Ace of spades ♪
♪ and she catch a col
when she rock the chains
but let me see
pinky and the brain ♪
♪ our baby mama
ain't the same, no
she like, baby daddy
ice my chain ♪
♪ she 'bout to
and give me top like a crane
you a, but you gang ♪
♪ shake what your
doctor gave ya
and I'ma ice your wrists
like a player ♪
♪ doctor Miami add layers
now, is fat like a acr
come to the spot
and we lay up ♪
♪ and I'll crea
that, like mayos
ever since
I got my cake up ♪
♪ I been runnin these
like the mayor
don't stop, hatchback ♪
♪ shakin that
on snapchat, yea
off the script
and shakin that ♪
♪ what you'll d
for these rack, rack
where my thots at ♪
♪ I just freed this
like a bird, yeah ♪
♪ where my thots at
let me hit I
from the bac
say, slatt, slatt ♪
♪ don't sto
pop that cat
mmm, mmm
just like that ♪
♪ mmm, mm
shake that
shake that
mmm, mmm ♪
♪ work it, work I
don't stop, pop that cat
mmm, mmm
just like that ♪
♪ mmm, mm
shake that, shake that
hmm, hmm
work it, work it ♪
♪ I'm gon' blow him like ac
give me big, like it
lick, lick, lick
me 'til I scream ♪
♪ twist his tongu
like I, I mean
I mean my body
so out of this world ♪
♪ change my at name
to astrogirl
people say I'm
way too full of myself ♪
♪ you're righ
and I ain't even
made it to dessert, ah ♪
♪ Buffy, no angel
star, no spangle
forty-inch weave
by kellon don't tangle ♪
♪ call my drug dealer
boyfriend on tango
use the taji
when I'm eatin a mango ♪
♪ yeah, I get jealous
if you ate it real goo
I can't help it ♪
♪ any, you with
you need to dead I
fore I come throug
and get hectic, ah ♪
♪ don't sto
pop that cat
mmm, mmm
just like that ♪
♪ mmm, mm
shake that
shake that
mmm, mmm ♪
♪ work it, work I
don't stop, pop that cat
mmm, mmm
just like that ♪
♪ mmm, mm
shake that, shake that
hmm, hmm
work it, work it ♪
shake that, shake that
hmm, hmm
work it, work it ♪
♪ don't sto
pop that cat
mmm, mmm
just like that ♪
♪ mmm, mm
shake that
shake that
mmm, mmm ♪
♪ work it, work I
don't stop, pop that cat
mmm, mmm
just like that ♪
♪ mmm, mm
shake that, shake that
hmm, hmm
work it, work it ♪
[ Cheers and applause
Hey, I want to thank Megan
thee stallion, young dub, Alec
Baldwin, Jim carrey, Maya
Rudolph.
Yes.
And the whole cast of "SNL."
Thank you so much!
Wear a mask!
Wear a mask.
Be safe out there!
♪
good evening
I'm your moderator, Chris
Wallace.
And I think I'm going to do a
really, really good job tonight.
First, I want to lay out the
rules.
Which both parties agreed to in
advance.
Each candidate will have two
minutes uninterrupted.
Boring.
Mr. President, I haven't even
introduced the candidates yet.
Tell that to my Adderall,
Chris.
Now let's get this show on the
road and off the rails
and you did take the COVID
test you promised to take in
advance, correct
absolutely.
Scout's honor.
President Trump has already
introduced himself
so let's now welcome the
Democratic candidate
boo
here comes the booing.
[ Laughter ]
Former vice president of the
United States.
Allegedly
>>.
[ Laughter ]
And senator from Delaware
not even a real state
Joe biden
[ Cheers and applause
Mr. Vice president
just one second, Chris.
[ Laughter ]
Okay
it looks like you're ready to
debate, Joe.
Absolutely not.
But I've got the beginning of 46
fantastic ideas.
I may or may not have access to.
[ Laughter ]
Now, let's do this
I'm holding my bladder
let's get at her
tonight we'll be discussing
six major topics, none of which
anyone will remember by
tomorrow
we begin with the supreme court.
President Trump, two minutes
I'm going to do ten
and I'd like to begin with a
list of complaints
people are mean to me.
Joe here is very mean.
Chris Wallace is mean.
The economy is mean.
It keeps losing jobs
which is mean.
To me.
The China virus has been very
mean to me
and being a hoax
and that statement is something
that I will -- probably come
back to haunt me later this
week
and what about the question I
asked you about the supreme
court?
I think I already answered
that question, Chris
we're very excited about our
nominee, Amy Christina
Barcelona.
It was so nice to welcome her
the other day with open arms and
uncovered faces.
Mr. Vice president, same
question
you have two minutes
thank you, Chris.
Now, look.
Here's the deal.
No, it's not.
Excuse me
please
could you just --
no.
Whatever you're going to say,
no
Mr. President
Mr. President, please let him
speak.
He let you speak
now let him speak.
But he's lying.
I can't point out if he says a
lie?
I said two words, you son of
a -- no.
Don't do it, Joe
that's exactly what he wants
don't let your inner whitey
bulger come out.
Just flash them all that smile
they taught you in anger
management
now, Mr. Vice president and
only Mr. Vice president, would
you consider adding additional
justices to the supreme court?
He won't even answer.
I just asked the question
he won't even answer it
just like he won't he answer
about his son hunter and burisma
and the mayor of Moscow and
Obama was spying on me and he
e-mailed Benghazi.
Mr. President, you're just
listing terms you heard on fox
news
it sounds like you're saying the
names of characters from season
4 of a show that no one has
watched.
Sheriff of Portland
Mr. Vice president, your
turn
look, here's the deal
can I respond to that, Chris?
Will you just shut up, man?
[ Cheers and applause
no, Joe.
No
don't lose control
it's what he's hoping for.
Okay
Where was I?
You said "look, here's the
deal."
okay.
Look, here's the deal.
Nope
lost it.
Come back to me.
I'll find it
it's up here somewhere
Chris, can I say one thing?
Am I allowed to say one thing?
Yes, Mr. President.
What we need in this country
is law and order
when someone breaks the rules,
they need to face the
consequences
no exceptions.
Okay.
What about your taxes?
There have to be exceptions,
Chris.
The terms law and order, they're
very vague terms
and rules are meant to be
broken
it's the same with masks
I've got mine right here in my
okay
it's right here.
[ Laughter ]
But you don't need a mask all
the time
it's like a seat belt.
You just wear it when you're
backing out of the driveway,
then you can take it off
[ Laughter ]
But Joe wears the biggest mask
you've ever seen
and he's always standing like
200 feet away from people.
Look, man
I'm a nice guy
but if you give me any more guff
tonight I'll rip your face off
like a mad chimp
[ Laughter ]
I'll knock that thing off your
head and burn it
Bury it in the pet cemetery
where it came from
stop it, Joe
stop it.
You can't lose your cool just
because this joker's raising
little monkey dust
the country's counting on you.
Just stand here and look lucid
[ Laughter ]
I know it.
I know what'll calm me down.
My new Harry styles meditation
tape
we dip our toes in cold wet
sand
nice.
We sit and face the sea
cleansing
we let the waves watch over
us
alone.
Just you and me.
Hey
I think maybe I should listen
to my meditation tape as well.
Ladies and gentlemen!
Freedom, Liberty and the
American dream
the best is yet to come!
Aaaaahhh
all right, all right.
Can we please have a civilized
dialogue
debates are a time-honored
tradition and the bedrock of
American democracy
gay
[ laughter ]
Mr. President, if you keep
interrupting this debate, I'll
do absolutely nothing about it
okay, okay.
I'll be quiet.
I don't want to be dictated
to
and I'm not going to be
distracted anymore by this clown
tonight.
Okay
I'm definitely going to
concentrate.
I'm going to try to keep my --
what is that
where's that coming from
Mr. President, please stop
using a laser pointer.
It's not a laser pointer.
It's a wand that cures the
COVID.
Boys, boys, boys, boys, boys.
[ Cheers and applause
both of you, just stop right
now.
All right?
You look at me, Donald
you do not treat my Joe like
that
all right?
Kamala, I got this.
Joe, let mamala go to work.
[ Laughter ]
Now, Donald, I want you to
apologize to Joe
he started it
hey
hey!
I don't care who started it.
All right?
I don't even care who sharted
it
you apologize to Joe
no
I'm sorry
what's that
I said sorry.
You know, look, I think if
there's one thing we learned
tonight, it's that America needs
a wap.
Woman as president
[ Cheers and applause
but for now I'll settle for
hvpic.
Hot vice president in charge
so why don't the to owo of you
finish this debate or whatever
the hell this is with dignity?
And when you're done I've got
some pb and j and apple slices
waiting for you.
Yummy
thank you, senator Harris.
Oh, I am not done with you,
Chris.
You will see me in my office
after debate
ooh
ooh
and finally, just to ensure
this is the worst presidential
debate in history, I'd like to
close with white supremacy
ooh, baby, come to papa
[ laughter ]
Mr. President, I'll ask you
directly
do you condemn white
supremacists
condemn them?
I don't know any
I mean, who are you even talking
about?
The proud boys
the white boot
the eugenics eagles?
I don't even know any of these
groups
I certainly wouldn't even know
how to signal them if I tried.
America, are you listening to
this
the president of the united
states is literally blowing a
dog whistle.
[ Laughter ]
I don't think this thing is
work
I don't hear anything.
Mr. Vice president, your
closing statement.
Well --
that is so unfair
why don't I get to make a
closing statement first?
After all, I am the pres---
[ laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause
sorry, but I think we all
needed a break
isn't that satisfying?
Just not to hear his voice for a
single goddamn second.
[ Cheers and applause
let's wall low in it
let's bask in the trumplessness.
[ Laughter ]
Now, Chris, could I speak
directly to the American people?
Is it going to be weird
totally
[ Laughter ]
Totally weird.
America.
Look at me
look directly into my eyeballs
you can trust me
because I believe in science and
Karma.
Now, just imagine if science and
Karma could somehow team up and
send us all a message about how
dangerous this virus can be.
[ Laughter ]
I'm not saying I want it to
happen
just imagine if it did
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause
Nope.
Can't do it.
I'm going to leave him on pause.
Oh, and one more thing
live from New York, it's
Saturday night
Saturday night
announcer: It's "Saturday
night live"!
With -
Beck Bennett
aidy Bryant.
Michael che.
Pete Davidson.
Mikey day.
Heidi gardner.
Colin jost
Kate McKinnon.
Alex moffat.
Kyle mooney.
Ego nwodim
Chris redd
cecily strong.
Kenan Thompson
Melissa villasenor
featuring --
Andrew dismukes.
Chloe fineman.
Lauren holt.
Mikey Johnson.
Bowen Yang
musical guest
Megan thee stallion.
And your host, Chris rock.
♪
Ladies and gentlemen,
Chris rock
[ cheers and applause
♪
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you very much!
Before we even get started
let's -- you know, the elephant
in the room.
President Trump's in the
hospital
from COVID
and you know, I just want to say
my heart goes out to COVID
[ laughter ]
This is a special show
this show is quite different
than every other show.
There are so many -- everybody
in this audience has been
checked and all week I've had
things going up my nose.
Every day I come in here
I haven't had so much stuff up
my nose since I shared a
dressing room with Chris farley.
[ Laughter ]
I've got to say, the audience,
this floor right here, are first
respond -- what are they, first
responders
all the audience right here.
[ Cheers and applause
everybody here
they're first responders
okay
they're so good, we let people
die tonight so they could see a
good show.
Okay
[ laughter ]
Now, you know, everything's --
the world is insane right now.
But one thing we can agree upon,
COVID has ruined our plans
we all used to have plans before
COVID.
Remember we used to be able to
plan stuff
my sister was getting married.
I paid bell biv devoe $80,000.
And I can't get it back.
[ Laughter ]
I had tickets to Coachella, man.
I know 200,000 Americans are
dead
but I'm not seeing rage against
the machine this year, man
[ laughter ]
That is a travesty
now, one thing I've noticed
about this whole pandemic.
People are like reassessing
their relationships.
That's the big thing
taking inventory
you know, a lot of break-ups
a lot of divorces.
And a lot of like
renegotiations
you know
couples stay together but
they're like okay, we're going
to stay together but I'm telling
you exactly what I don't like
about you right now.
[ Laughter ]
If we're going to keep this
going you're going to have to
change some stuff.
Okay
and it's weird
we're doing that with our
relationships.
All of us are doing that with
our relationships.
But I think we need to
renegotiate our relationship to
the government
you know
[ applause ]
It's like -- yeah, we need to
renegotiate our relationship to
the government
it doesn't work.
I mean, I think Joe biden should
be the last president ever
[ Laughter ]
We need a whole new system
okay
I mean, do we even need a
president president?
Or just figure out a new way to
do the job
I mean, what job do you have for
four years no matter what?
[ Laughter ]
Show me one job.
Like if you hired a cook and he
was making people vomit every
day, do you sit there and go,
"well, he's got a four-year
deal"?
We've just got to vomit for four
more years
[ Laughter ]
I mean, to be the president of
the United States all you have
to be is 35 and born in the
United States.
So you know, if anybody can be
the president, then anybody can
be the president
[ Applause ]
That's how we got in this
predicament.
You know what I mean
I mean, it should be some rules
to being the president
you realize there's more rules
to a game show than running for
president?
[ Laughter ]
Like Donald Trump left a game
show to run for president
because it was easier.
[ Laughter ]
That's right
there's rules to be on
"jeopardy.
You can't just jump on
"jeopardy"
you can't throw your son on
"jeopardy.
Or your son-in-law
Steve Harvey can't put his
family on "family feud."
[ Laughter ]
It's like real scrutiny, man
and do the democrats even want
to win
do they even want to win
it's like Trump, he runs
against -- the democrats just
keep putting up 75-year-old
people to run against Trump.
Now, hey, one thing we can say
about Trump.
He got the most energy of any
75-year-old person on the face
of the earth
even Mick Jagger's like, "slow
down, Donald."
[ Laughter ]
You know, Trump is like -- he's
like a dominant female boxer
he's like ronda rousey
like damn, it she can fight.
And then you go, oh, she hitting
girls.
[ Laughter ]
We've got to figure out our
whole relationship
we've got to renegotiate our
relationship to the government
the senate and the congress
doesn't work
no, it doesn't freaking work,
man.
It doesn't work.
And why doesn't it work?
Because they need freaking term
limits
okay
we've agreed in the united
states that we cannot have
kings.
Yet we have Dukes and duchesses
running the senate and the
congress making decisions for
poor people.
[ Applause ]
That's right
rich people making decisions for
poor people.
That's like your handsome friend
giving you dating advice
like I I think you should go
over there and grab her by the
ass and tell her it's yours.
Yeah, that works for you, Idris.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, we've got to take this
serious.
We've got to get out there
we've got to vote.
But they don't want us to vote
the government does not want you
to vote.
Why do I know they don't want
you to vote?
Because election day's a Tuesday
in November.
[ Laughter ]
Anybody here ever put something
on a Tuesday in November
does anybody get married on a
Tuesday in November?
Church ain't on a Tuesday.
[ Laughter ]
Even Jesus avoids Tuesday.
[ Laughter ]
You know, if this show was
Tuesday night live, it would
have got canceled in 1975.
[ Laughter ]
I mean, that's why we've got to
vote, man.
And we've got to take it
seriously.
We've got to take it serious
you know, like I watch the
Republicans take it serious.
You know, you watch fox news,
Sean hannity's mean.
Every day!
He's looking you in the camera,
he's telling you it's the end of
the world.
Listen to me
and every time I see Anderson
Cooper, he's with Andy Cohen on
new year's Eve, blowing a kazoo.
[ Laughter ]
Drinking Rose.
It's like of course they believe
Sean
you know, Walter cronkite was
like the most respected man in
news
you know why
'cause we never saw him in
shorts
[ Laughter ]
Okay
but we've got to take this
serious, man
we've got to take the whole
government serious
we've got to take the --
everything going on right now,
we can lick this
okay
we can beat this if we all work
together
you know, James Baldwin said,
not everything that is faced can
be changed but nothing can be
changed until it's faced
okay
[ cheers and applause
all right?
We've got a great show for you
tonight.
Megan thee stallion is here.
So stick around!
And we'll be right back.
[ Cheers and applause
action 9 news at 5:00.
Our top story, a potential
super spreading event has
occurred at the Pittsburgh
federal building
with more on this we go to
Dylan Bertram at the scene
Dylan, it seems like this story
is going really -- viral some?
Uh, that's in poor taste,
Ashley, and I apologize on your
behalf
here's what we know so far
health officials are attempting
to contact anyone who visited
the third floor of the federal
building today, home to the
legal change of name office,
after an employee tested
positive for COVID-19.
I'm joined by two women who were
on the way up to the third floor
to change their names when it
was evacuated.
Tell us your names and what
happened
Edith puthie.
I'm sorry
I said Edith puthie
I'm flattered, ma'am, but no
thank you.
No, Edith puthie is my name
Irma gerd
oh my god is right.
No, Irma gerd is my name.
Oh, I see
I've got it now.
I'm sorry.
Miss puthie, just curious.
What were you planning on
changing your name to?
Well, I was thinking of any
name that's not Edith puthie
Dylan, I hate to pull you way
from miss put hichlt e just as
you were getting into it but I'm
told the health department has a
statement.
Good afternoon.
I'm Dr. Kevin Joseph from
Pittsburgh's contact tracing
program.
We're still trying to locate the
following people who were in the
name change office today
Burton Ernie
Alma holzhert.
Ben ladden
and deepa daddy.
Mm.
Whatever you say, girl
sorry.
We're also looking for
Duncan Dixon-coffey.
Finn gurbang
and moe lestin Jr.
[ Laughter ]
Now I'd like to address the
rumor about Tess tichol.
A young woman who visited the
name change office today
reports she lost her sense of
taste and smell are false.
In fact, the Tess tichol I just
examined smelled and tasted
great.
It did?
Good for you, man
I'm sorry.
Thank you
all right
we'll keep our eyes peeled in
case Tess tichol pops out.
No word on when the office will
reopen, leaving many who wanted
to change their name frustrated.
Like this man, Mr. Mike rodick
oh, it's, uh, rodick.
You stress the ro.
Rodick
sorry to be annoying, but it
makes a difference
not a problem
Mike rodick was one of a -
sorry
I'm the worst, but the longer
you pause between Mike and
rodick the better it is for me
nothing crazy.
Just like Mike, little pause,
rodick
okay.
Maybe it's easier if I just call
you by what your name will be?
Sure.
I'm going with my mom's maiden
name, litt
l-i-t-t.
Okay.
Great.
I'm here with Mike litt.
Sorry, Dylan.
The department of health has an
update
hopefully you can find Mike litt
later and finish what you
started there.
But, now let's go to Dr. Joseph.
I'd like to thank this man
who was turned away from the
name change office but stuck
around to help us contact trace.
Mr. Jeffrey Epstein.
Jeffrey b. Epstein.
In my book, Jeffrey Epstein
is a hero.
You forgot that "b" again
very important "b.
I'm proud to call
Jeffrey Epstein a friend
you -- you're going to wish
you didn't say that.
Thank you
all right
well, I think we can all applaud
what Jeffrey Epstein did
Ashley
Dylan, we've got a little
more time.
Any chance of getting back to
Mike litt?
Uh, you know, he was right
under my nose, but I lost him.
[ Laughter ]
Well, you stay down there and
keep poking around
I will, but no promises
it's a real mess down here
[ laughter ]
I bet
more on this story as it
develops
for action 9 news I'm
Ashley spitzer-swallows.
[ Cheers and applause
♪
♪ hello hello hello hello
got your mask on
I can get lost
in your eyes all day ♪
♪ face time all night
go to slee
just tal
about everything ♪
♪ spend a month
a week and three day
and I want you in so man
ways but there's ♪
♪ one thing getting
in the way
I still ain'
seen the bottom ♪
♪ of your fac
what's up with
the bottom of your fac
bottom of your face ♪
♪ what it look like
♪ what's up wit
the bottom of your fac
let me see it baby
bottom of your fac
what's up with ♪
♪ million dollar smil
lower chin like leno
it's strange
you're by yourself looking ♪
♪ like bane
ain't seen
your whole fac
but I know your ♪
♪ dog's nam
it's sic
how your mas
matches your fit ♪
♪ but do you got your
teeny tiny lip
won't sham
what you look like ♪
♪ baby let's go
drop that mask
to the -
floor ♪
♪ what's up with the bottom of
your face ♪
♪ show the bottom baby
♪ what's up with the bottom of
your face ♪
♪ what's up with that
♪ boy shut up yeah yeah
we've been talking
for a minute
but this dude ♪
♪ want me maskles
in a pandemi
he don't car
about your health ♪
♪ he just wants to see yo
topless pulling up
to his cri
swallowing his chocolate ♪
♪ you want to see
the bottom of my fac
take your hat of
show me how that head ♪
♪ is shaped
I bet money that that hairline
crooked take the beard off and
show me how the jaw looking ♪
♪ okay y'all took
this the way I ain't
mean ♪
♪ next he gonna
say we shouldn't
get vaccin
you probably think ♪
♪ we also can't vot
your body is your choice
your mind is
your thoughts ♪
♪ your Booty is your voic
boy stop
ya'll wanna hot girl
or not ♪
♪ they trying t
catch corona for the wap
they got the right one
we can tease them all day ♪
♪ but let's give them
what they want
bottom of your fac
they about to show it to u
bottom of your face ♪
♪ what's up wit
the bottom of your fac
I can almost see I
I don't think you understand ♪
oh, she made me say it.
But you don't know what the hell
she look like.
There could be a whole ecosystem
living under that thing.
♪ She also may have
only one big tooth
sneaky -
hiding her giuliani teeth ♪
♪ life's a roller coaster
♪ before you go
back to that place
you've got to se
the bottom of their face ♪
♪ bottom of their fac
whoo
hello ♪
[ Cheers and applause
♪
Tony hawk, you've done it
again.
"Pro skater 2" far surpasses the
original
Brad, dinner's almost ready
this is your ten-minute warning.
I heard you the first time,
Rachel
please call me "mom."
Hey, whatever
no wonder dad left to become a
priest
now if I could just grind this
lunch table like a p-i-m-p
♪
Hello, Zach
hey, what's up?
Whoa, are you like a ghost
yeah, I'm like a ghost.
But specifically a ghost from
the future
and I have something important
to show you.
Okay.
Just one sec
I'll be right with you
seriously, can you pause it
go ahead, dude, I'm
listening.
Frick, I almost landed that
combo.
I was going to show you what
your future was like
but if you just want to play
your little skateboard game,
that's fine.
Wait, see my future
yeah, I'll pause my game for
that frickin' crap
hey, hopefully I live at the
playboy mansion.
You don't
okay.
Well, then hopefully I'm married
to Eliza dushku and the mom from
"spy kids.
Well, you might want to lower
those expectations
here
take a look.
♪
Whoa.
Hey.
Is that me
this is you in 2020
okay
a global pandemic sends your
life into a tailspin
you lose your job and you have
to move back in with your mom.
And this is all you ever do.
Oh, my god.
Yeah.
I know
right?
I can't believe it.
Those graphics
are fricking insane!
Holy frig!
They look like real!
Frig
no, no, no.
Forget about the graphics.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah
I'll just forget about the most
amazing thing I've ever seen
seriously, are you blind
did you look at the clips while
playing with yourself?
It looks like real
and what the frig kind of
console is that?
A PlayStation 2?
Ps2
no
that's an old ps4.
534
oh, god.
I think I just nutted for the
first time in my life.
[ Laughter ]
You didn't.
Okay.
And is that a wireless
controller
can I have 2020 now, please?
Can you please just stop
fixating on the game and take
this seriously
yeah, yeah.
I'll take this seriously
right after I do this.
♪
♪ those graphic
I just saw the mos
awesome graphics
and suddenly this game ♪
♪ will never be the Sam
those graphics ♪
stop with the song parodies,
you goofy ass.
Hey, man.
You don't understand?
In 20 years the world as you
know it is going to change
forever.
Look
hey
that's my mom.
Oh, wow.
And she's a dentist now.
[ Laughter ]
Zach, everything okay
nah
this Wi-Fi sucks ass
why don't you start an onlyfans
so we can afford a second
router
hey, hey, hey
that is no way to talk to your
mother
this is my wife, damn it
hold up
my mom married kenan Thompson?
[ Laughter ]
What
"my mom married
kenan Thompson."
Coming to peacock this fall.
There's a new face in
daytime.
Hello to all my beautiful
wild flowers
after seeing what went down
with Ellen, we took a hard turn
in the other direction
I am just like you.
A boho free spirit mommy mother
movie star since I was 6
it's "the drew Barrymore
show."
How drew you do
tune in to see her have a
blast by herself in a big empty
studio
totally motally otally.
Watch as she connects to her
zoom audience.
Thank you for being my vffs,
virtual friends forever.
Drew gives back to worthy
families in the best way she
can.
How are you holding up?
You know it's been tough.
My husband and I are working
from home and we have almost
$50,000 in hospital bills.
I feel that, Linda.
And that's why we're paying to
renovate your walk-in closet
and don't worry about her
being mean to the crew
thank you
they say she maintains eye
contact too long and is too
emotionally supportive
just --
I'm a hugger.
No.
Okay.
Thank you
be the third wheel in a
celebrity catch-up
my best friend Reese
Witherspoon, the best woman on
earth.
You are literally -- I marvel at
you.
I love you.
I want to come into your room
and murder you with a butter
spoon.
Get drew's take on the news
hot off the press, brushing
your teeth is a game changer
and stay tuned for a
harrowing catch-up between drew
and her ex-husband Tom green
it's been what, 15 years?
Yeah.
Would you like some sausage?
You want guests
drew texts everyone in her phone
and interviews whoever shows up.
Like Nicole Kidman
thank you for allowing me to
be on your show.
Drew, this is your show
oh, my god.
Thank you.
At least someone's enjoying
00:37:13,004 --> 00:37:16,001
and now sensational
homosexual Billy Porter singing
to a flower.
♪ edelweiss
♪ oh
♪ ay, ay, ay, ay
is this happening
or am I kind of high
"the drew Barrymore show.
You're in your bed anyway.
Just watch it.
Ladies and gentlemen, Megan
thee stallion.
[ Cheers and applause
♪
♪ I'm a savag
attitude nasty
talk big big but
my bank account match it ♪
♪ hood, but I'm class
rich, but I'm ratchet ♪
♪ haters kept my name
in they mout
now they gaggin ♪
♪ bougie, he sa
the way that thang mov
it's a movie ♪
♪ I told that boy
we gotta keep it low
leave me the room key ♪
♪ I done bled the block
and now it's hot, ho
I'm tunech
a mood and I'm moody, ah ♪
♪ I'm a savage yeah
classy, bougie, ratche
yeah, okay ♪
♪ sassy, moody, nasty
yeah, hey, hey
acting stupi
what's happening ♪
♪ woah, woah, woa
what's happening
what's happening? ♪
♪ I'm a savag
yeah, okay
classy, bougie, ratche
yeah ♪
♪ sassy, moody, nasty
hu
acting stupi
what's happening? ♪
♪ What's happening?
Ayy, ah ♪
♪ like Beyonce, like me
he want
like the stallio
with the knees ♪
♪ he be lik
damn, how that thang movin
in them jeans?
Yeah, yeah, them jeans ♪
♪ ayy, even d4l couldn'
do it like me, like me ♪
♪ I need a mop to
clean the floo
it's too much drip, ooh ♪
♪ I keep a knot
I keep a watch
I keep a whip, ooh ♪
♪ let's play a game
Simon says
I'm still that, ay ♪
♪ I'm a savag
classy, bougie, ratche
sassy, moody, nasty ♪
♪ acting stupid
what's happening
what's happening ♪
♪ hips tiktok
when I dance
on that demon time
she might start a onlyfans ♪
♪ big b and tha
b stand for band
if you wanna see some real
baby, here's your chance ♪
♪ I say, left cheek
right cheek, drop it low
then swang, swang ♪
♪ Texas up in this than
put you up on this game, gam
Ivy park on my frame, fram
gang, gang, gang, gang ♪
♪ if you don't jump
to put jeans o
baby, you don't feel
my pain hol' up ♪
♪ I'm a savag
classy, bougie, ratche
sassy, moody, nasty ♪
♪ acting stupid
what's happening
what's happening ♪
♪ I'm a savag
classy, bougie, ratche
sassy, moody, nasty ♪
♪ acting stupid
what's happening
what's happening ♪
The most disrespected,
unprotected, neglected person in
America is the black woman
who taught you to hate the
texture of your hair, the color
of your skin, the shape of your
nose
who taught you to hate from the
top of your head to the soles of
your feet?
Daniel Cameron is no
different than the sellout
negros that sold our people into
slavery.
We need to protect our black
women and love our black women
because at the end of the day we
need our black women
we need to protect our black men
and stand up for our black men
because at the end of the day we
need our black men
♪ I'm a savag
classy, bougie, ratche
sassy, moody, nasty ♪
♪ acting stupid
what's happening
what's happening ♪
♪ I'm a savag
classy, bougie, ratche
sassy, moody, nasty ♪
♪ acting stupid
what's happening
what's happening ♪
♪
[ Cheers and applause
update" with Colin jost and
Michael che.
[ Cheers and applause
hello.
Good evening, everyone
welcome to "weekend update.
I'm Michael che.
I'm Colin jost.
Well, say what you will about
2020, but it's got moves
[ laughter ]
This news was a lot for us to
process a day before we came
back on the air after four
months off
and it all happened so fast,
I woke up yesterday and heard
the president had mild symptoms.
Then four hours later, he was
getting medevaced to a hospital
in what looked like the last
chopper out of Vietnam
[ laughter ]
I have to say, it's a bad sign
for America that when Trump said
he tested positive for a virus
60% of people were like, prove
it
[ laughter ]
It's been very weird to see all
these people who clearly hate
Trump come out and say we wish
him well
I think a lot of them are just
guilty that their first wish
came true.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, well, you know,
politics aside, this is awful
news for us because Trump was
actually supposed to host "SNL"
next week.
[ Laughter ]
Okay, serious voice.
While in the hospital the
president isn't allowed to see
any guests, but he is expected
to be visited by three ghosts.
[ Laughter ]
Probably one from the past, one
from his -- okay, look, this is
weird.
Because a lot of people on both
sides are saying there's nothing
funny about Trump being
hospitalized with coronavirus.
Even though he mocked the safety
precautions for the coronavirus.
And those people are obviously
wrong.
There's a lot funny about this
maybe not from a moral
standpoint
but mathematically, if you were
constructing a joke, this has
all the ingredients you need
[ laughter ]
The problem is it's almost too
funny.
Like it's so on the nose
it would be like if I were
making fun of people who wear
belts and then my pants
just immediately fell down
[ laughter ]
A new poll shows that 75% of
lgbtq voters support Joe biden
but 0% of them support Joe biden
guessing what the b, t, and q
stand for.
[ Laughter ]
I have to say you know who's got
my support for president
NBA commissioner Adam silver
he somehow built a bubble that
is better than anything our
government could come up with.
Instead of stopping the bubble
when the season ends, why don't
they just slowly expand it until
it covers the whole country?
[ Laughter ]
Just saying.
By the way, is anyone
surprised by this?
I honestly thought Trump was
trying to get coronavirus.
I thought it was like "groundhog
day" when bill Murray just knew
he couldn't die.
And he was just trying anything.
So all those maskless rallies
Trump was having, that was him
being safe
look, I don't want the president
to die, obviously.
Actually, I wish him a very
lengthy recovery
[ laughter ]
[ Applause ]
I will say that despite
everything President Trump
actually seems to be in good
spirits.
He tweeted a message that ended
with "love" and three
exclamation points
uh-oh
so it sounds like they're
cutting his hydroxychloroquine
with a little bit of Molly
[ Laughter ]
And then this is good.
Just hours ago Trump released a
video from the hospital saying
he's in better health, which is
great news, though I will point
out that if the situation were
reversed and it was biden who
got sick Trump would 100% be at
a maskless rally tonight getting
huge laughs doing an impression
of biden on a ventilator
just saying.
Just saying.
This week a judge blocked
America's ban on the
Chinese-owned app tiktok, which
the White House claims is a
threat to national security.
And here to comment is Chinese
trade minister chin bao.
Mm!
What's popping, Michael che?
Tray daddy drop the addy
it's good to see you, chin.
You're the one overseeing this
tiktok deal?
No one else could do it but
me
'cause I'm a savage.
Classy, loyal, loyal supplicant
to the communist party
[ Laughter ]
Well, speaking of that,
there's concern the government
of China could be stealing our
data, our user data with this
tiktok app
what do you think of that?
Okay, you're worried we're
stealing your identity
honey, your phone unlocks with
your face.
Plus America steals Chinese
stuff every day.
Banning parts of the Internet,
arresting protesters
fireworks?
It's the hypocrisy for me, che
[ laughter ]
So you're not collecting our
user data?
I mean, sure, we have it.
But none of it is even that
juicy.
Like oh, you googled cousin Greg
shirtless 20 times last month?
You're not quirky.
You're just horny, Savannah.
[ Laughter ]
Who is Savannah
oh, just some girl who said
"she's doing the work on racism"
from her family's house in
nantucket.
Boat shoe-wearing bitch.
[ Laughter ]
Well, the deal requires that
tiktok be partially owned by an
American company, which is most
likely going to be Walmart
oh, Walmart
brick and mortar
cool
how long did that brainstorm
last
look, if you said name an
American company and I said
Walmart, that would make me
racist
[ Laughter ]
But I guess cracker barrel
didn't want to play ball
all right
so you seem pretty annoyed
I mean, yeah, I'm salty, che.
This has been a really hard time
for China.
Because of the virus?
No, because live action
"mulan" was just okay.
No songs, no mushu, no thank
$30 from me Disney plus.
But does all this make you
worry about the future of
tiktok
oh no, babe, you cannot stop
tiktok
we took videos and we made them
shorter.
We took babies and we made them
cuter.
We took lip-syncs and we made
them straight.
[ Laughter ]
So you want to stop China and
get in the way of us
well, I just checked my fenty
collab rolex and you're running
out of time.
So -
girl don't do it
it's not worth it.
I'm not going to do it, girl
I was just thinking about it
I'm not going to do it
tiktok!
Chen biao, everybody.
I did it.
I did it
I did it
Mitch McConnell, seen here
calmly watching an injured puppy
try to cross a busy high way,
said that the senate would move
forward with a vote on Trump's
supreme court nominee even
though he denied Obama's nominee
a vote in 2016
and if that makes you angry at
Mitch McConnell, you're going to
be really upset when you find
out your anger sexually excites
him.
The Tennessee titans halted
in-person workouts after three
players tested positive for the
coronavirus.
Well, I guess we've got to
cancel the whole season and
forget it ever happened, said
the New York jets.
This is fun.
A Canadian woman was fined more
than $25,000 for illegally
importing bull semen
meanwhile, in the U.S. bull
semen is sold legally under the
name white claw.
[ Laughter ]
A new law has been passed in
California requiring companies
to have more diversity in their
board of directors
which is how I forced my way
onto the board of b.E.T.
[ Laughter ]
B.e.t.
There's going to be some changes
around here.
[ Laughter ]
The CDC reported that
there's a salmonella outbreak
involving people who have pet
bearded dragons.
So if you have one at home,
remember to cook them all the
way through.
[ Laughter ]
Actor vin diesel has
released a dance music song
called "feel like I do."
And look, I know a lot of people
are making fun of them and
saying it's terrible and he
should stick to acting
[ Laughter ]
A 7-year-old -- a 7-year-old
boy in Pennsylvania set a new
world record by bouncing on a
pogo stick over 2,000 times in a
row.
Said the boy's parents, "open
the schools!
[ Laughter ]
Tourism and airplane travel
have been hit especially hard by
the coronavirus this year.
Here to comment on the changing
state of her industry is seventh
grade travel expert Carrie crum.
Chrpz chrnz
[ Cheers and applause
whoa!
I missed you, Michael.
I missed you too.
So how was your summer
it was awesome.
My mom bought me a chef's hat
for when I make pizza and my
brother shot me twice with a
paintball gun.
Well, that's pretty
impressive
so Carrie, you must have been
sad that you couldn't take any
of your fun trips this summer.
Oh, Michael, being at home is
the ultimate vacation.
You've got my room, my small
room, a small decorative box
filled with my baby teeth, and
an irrigation ditch where all my
pets were laid to rest
and did you know, Michael,
church is illegal right now?
So we listen to it on the radio.
And Michael?
Michael?
I looked into church in a
tankini.
[ Laughter ]
Well, that all sounds very
fun.
So what are some tips on how
people can enjoy a good
staycation
oh, well, bring the beach to
you with something my family
likes to call the hose in the
driveway
it's like a refreshing pool
where you don't have to know how
to swim and the water tastes
like dirt and metal.
[ Laughter ]
Okay, Carrie.
What about something fun for
kids going back to school
online
you've got to make the best
of the hard times.
I am loving computer school.
I'm never on mute.
I'm always talking, always
moving, and I can't stop looking
at myself.
And I didn't think that I could
ever have a crush over zoom.
But Jack mathers, I mean, during
social studies, I can see his
bedroom.
[ Laughter ]
And Michael?
Michael?
He's got a big lizard in there
bad boy.
[ Laughter ]
Okay.
All right.
Well, is it hard to not hang out
with your friends at least
well, technically, I'm never
alone because fairies are real
and when it rains it becomes
easier to see them
so it sounds like you
actually sort of thrived in
quarantine
well, yeah.
Except for -- well, my mom says
I need to get a --
[ Mumbling ]
A what?
A tank top with support
it's not a bra, but it do press
down
oh, my god.
Yeah, and then my brother
Mitchell found it.
He put it on
and then stuffed toilet paper in
like the holders
and he was walking around doing
like a chichi dance.
And I screamed so loud that my
dad thought I'd been hurt.
Whatever, though, because I
started drinking sprite out of a
coffee cup
I'm an adult
Carrie krum, everybody.
For "weekend update" I'm
Michael che.
Colin jost.
Good night
Live from big thunder
mountain hotel in Orlando, it's
the nbabubble draft finals wit
your host, patrice soupsalad
welcome, welcome, welcome
during this unique basketball
season our players have been
completely isolated from their
wives, their girlfriends, and
whoever else they might want to
see.
Now that we've reached the
finals, these lovely ladies have
one last chance to join the NBA
bubble
this is the "NBA bubble draft.
Brought to you by summer's
Eve, lysol wipes
because you may have sat in
something and you don't want to
get it that way.
Now, these women may not get
a championship ring, but they
could get the next best thing.
18 years of child support.
Let's pick the top draft picks
I'm Candice, and I've got a
really impressive resume
lil' Wayne, lil dicky, Wesley
snipes, and two years of nursing
school
show block
I'm queenie, a former hockey
ho in two sports
I used to follow the canucks but
now I follow the kanicks
I'm kitty and I'm an
essential worker here to shoot
my shot.
So you're a COVID nurse
sure.
Seeing a lot of promise here
today.
It's going to be difficult to
choose the smartest and the
prettiest and the most down, if
you know what I mean
how'd I get this bag?
How'd I get this ring?
Well, let's just say it's velvet
down there
hey, is that girl laughing at
me
sweetheart, that's a cutout
of a face.
Well, she got a stank face
and she flat as hell
hey, is this where the
Seattle storm and the Las Vegas
aces are staying
I think you're looking for
the wnba
right you are, sir.
Love is love.
And love is basketball
who's next
my husband and I have been
together since high school
we have five kids and I am his
rock
but he already told me he wasn't
allowed in the bubble, so I am
just here to send my man some
love
well, you are allowed in the
bubble
you just have to quarantine.
Oh.
Interesting.
That is not the information that
had been previously relayed to
me
but now that I am privy to this,
my husband is a dead man
things are heating up
how y'all doing
I'm c.J. And I've been here for
60 days.
Because I just have to keep
restarting quarantine because I
can't stop ordering buffalo wild
wings.
The bubble is tight
no ordering outside food
it's all right because I made
it to day 13
so I am good
hey, I have a buffalo wild
wings delivery here.
I said contactless delivery
man.
Hi.
I'm quarantining in Disney world
anyway
I used to work in the hall of
presidents
I played Monica Lewinsky
but then I got older
bills.
And now I get to be goofy.
Marry me, basketball
oh, sorry, I should put on my
mask
[ Laughter ]
You know what that sound
means.
A draft pick has been made
please welcome NBA commissioner
Adam silver.
Hey
good work, soupsalad
being here today proves that
even being in a pandemic you
can't keep a good host down.
That being said our point guard
beautiful wife Michelle is here.
So obviously --
change of plans
I choose her
oh, my god!
I promise you won't regret this.
Okay
it's been a long journey to get
here
all the dms.
All the thirst trappings
you got my Amazon wish list,
right?
Mm-hmm.
Love you.
First wives, second wives,
mistresses and side pieces
this has been the NBA bubble
draft.
And now the
stunt performers guild presents,
an epic virtual fight.
I wish I could be back on set
doing kick-ass stunts with my
friends.
Wait a minute.
We can do it from home
ya!
Ya
oh.
Oh, no way
uh
oh, no.
Not today.
You rotten kids
my ass
hi.
We are the stunt performers
of America
just like you, we can't wait
to get back to work.
We want to be doing epic car
chases
sick knife fights
karate and motorcycle jumps
and our expertise is mostly
falling down and getting hit in
the crotch by kids
yeah, we stunt double for
villains and children's
comedies
so, I typically play the fat
authoritative woman who people
like to see get hurt real bad.
I'm usually getting tossed.
Body going "aah" through the air
and kids are cheering.
That's probably me
we love what we do.
And there's all different
kinds of stunts.
Nothing makes me happier than
jumping through fire
or leaping off a helicopter
or getting kicked into a
dumpster by a cow.
For the purposes of children's
comedy
yeah, it's been six months
since I've been able to use my
number one skill, which is of
course farting from being hit in
the head
and we're from the old
school
we're not faking those farts
no.
I mean, it helps the kids
understand that we're not
actually being hurt.
We are just being hit so hard
that farts are coming out.
You might not know us but we
help make some of your favorite
movies
I drove the Maserati in
"furious 7."
I was an Amazon warrior in
"wonder woman.
And I played ugly shusher in
"cool kid library" and also evil
lunch lady in "camp bitch.
And I was the star of
"nurse wedgie.
In this one part, the kid
switched my hat for an octopus
and then I stumbled face first
into a toilet.
Which was hard because then we
had to go and shoot the scene.
Got to stay strong.
Got to stay in shape.
Yeah, don't want to lose our
ass calluses
one, two, three, four
these stunts hurt
I've been bit in the vagina by a
dog more times than I can count.
And the dogs don't understand
it's pretend
so if you want them to let go
you've got to cut their heads
off.
So everybody, please.
Wear your mask
stay home.
And hang in there.
So we can do more of this.
Ha!
Hya!
Oh, you -
[ fart sound ]
Not in my library
the stunt performers
association of America
shameful stunts call today
plau ][ Apse
once again, Megan thee
stallion
[ cheers and applause
♪
♪ real hot girl
ah, ayy ♪
♪ I got a stank
walk walk walk
and a reckless mouth
and my, so tight ♪
♪ when we, my, talk
♪ I don't even sa
what's u
I just tell hi
what I want ♪
♪ cause I got another
that's gon' do I
if he don't, ah ♪
♪ attitude ba
too good
when he sa
me, I tell him, me good ♪
♪ chase these
I wish I would
bad like m
wish they could ♪
♪ she a Casper to m
I need glasses to se
in the mall with her daddy
she a, to me ♪
♪ you ain't, him righ
pass him to me
real, love me from
the h to the d ♪
♪ don't sto
pop that cat
mmm, mmm
just like that ♪
♪ mmm, mm
shake that
shake that
mmm, mmm ♪
♪ work it, work I
don't stop, pop that cat
mmm, mmm
just like that ♪
♪ mmm, mm
shake that, shake that
hmm, hmm
work it, work it ♪
♪ patek, just for the day
say she gotta go
roll the Ace of spades ♪
♪ and she catch a col
when she rock the chains
but let me see
pinky and the brain ♪
♪ our baby mama
ain't the same, no
she like, baby daddy
ice my chain ♪
♪ she 'bout to
and give me top like a crane
you a, but you gang ♪
♪ shake what your
doctor gave ya
and I'ma ice your wrists
like a player ♪
♪ doctor Miami add layers
now, is fat like a acr
come to the spot
and we lay up ♪
♪ and I'll crea
that, like mayos
ever since
I got my cake up ♪
♪ I been runnin these
like the mayor
don't stop, hatchback ♪
♪ shakin that
on snapchat, yea
off the script
and shakin that ♪
♪ what you'll d
for these rack, rack
where my thots at ♪
♪ I just freed this
like a bird, yeah ♪
♪ where my thots at
let me hit I
from the bac
say, slatt, slatt ♪
♪ don't sto
pop that cat
mmm, mmm
just like that ♪
♪ mmm, mm
shake that
shake that
mmm, mmm ♪
♪ work it, work I
don't stop, pop that cat
mmm, mmm
just like that ♪
♪ mmm, mm
shake that, shake that
hmm, hmm
work it, work it ♪
♪ I'm gon' blow him like ac
give me big, like it
lick, lick, lick
me 'til I scream ♪
♪ twist his tongu
like I, I mean
I mean my body
so out of this world ♪
♪ change my at name
to astrogirl
people say I'm
way too full of myself ♪
♪ you're righ
and I ain't even
made it to dessert, ah ♪
♪ Buffy, no angel
star, no spangle
forty-inch weave
by kellon don't tangle ♪
♪ call my drug dealer
boyfriend on tango
use the taji
when I'm eatin a mango ♪
♪ yeah, I get jealous
if you ate it real goo
I can't help it ♪
♪ any, you with
you need to dead I
fore I come throug
and get hectic, ah ♪
♪ don't sto
pop that cat
mmm, mmm
just like that ♪
♪ mmm, mm
shake that
shake that
mmm, mmm ♪
♪ work it, work I
don't stop, pop that cat
mmm, mmm
just like that ♪
♪ mmm, mm
shake that, shake that
hmm, hmm
work it, work it ♪
shake that, shake that
hmm, hmm
work it, work it ♪
♪ don't sto
pop that cat
mmm, mmm
just like that ♪
♪ mmm, mm
shake that
shake that
mmm, mmm ♪
♪ work it, work I
don't stop, pop that cat
mmm, mmm
just like that ♪
♪ mmm, mm
shake that, shake that
hmm, hmm
work it, work it ♪
[ Cheers and applause
Hey, I want to thank Megan
thee stallion, young dub, Alec
Baldwin, Jim carrey, Maya
Rudolph.
Yes.
And the whole cast of "SNL."
Thank you so much!
Wear a mask!
Wear a mask.
Be safe out there!
♪