Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 46, Episode 1 - full transcript

[ Cheers and applause
good evening

I'm your moderator, Chris

And I think I'm going to do a
really, really good job tonight.

First, I want to lay out the

Which both parties agreed to in

Each candidate will have two
minutes uninterrupted.

Mr. President, I haven't even

introduced the candidates yet.
Tell that to my Adderall,

Now let's get this show on the

road and off the rails
and you did take the COVID

test you promised to take in
advance, correct

Scout's honor.

President Trump has already
introduced himself

so let's now welcome the
Democratic candidate

here comes the booing.

[ Laughter ]
Former vice president of the

United States.

[ Laughter ]

And senator from Delaware
not even a real state

Joe biden
[ Cheers and applause

Mr. Vice president
just one second, Chris.

[ Laughter ]

it looks like you're ready to
debate, Joe.

Absolutely not.
But I've got the beginning of 46

fantastic ideas.
I may or may not have access to.

[ Laughter ]
Now, let's do this

I'm holding my bladder
let's get at her

tonight we'll be discussing
six major topics, none of which

anyone will remember by

we begin with the supreme court.
President Trump, two minutes

I'm going to do ten
and I'd like to begin with a

list of complaints
people are mean to me.

Joe here is very mean.
Chris Wallace is mean.

The economy is mean.
It keeps losing jobs

which is mean.
To me.

The China virus has been very
mean to me

and being a hoax
and that statement is something

that I will -- probably come
back to haunt me later this

and what about the question I

asked you about the supreme

I think I already answered
that question, Chris

we're very excited about our
nominee, Amy Christina

It was so nice to welcome her

the other day with open arms and
uncovered faces.

Mr. Vice president, same

you have two minutes
thank you, Chris.

Now, look.
Here's the deal.

No, it's not.
Excuse me

could you just --

Whatever you're going to say,

Mr. President

Mr. President, please let him

He let you speak
now let him speak.

But he's lying.
I can't point out if he says a

I said two words, you son of

a -- no.
Don't do it, Joe

that's exactly what he wants
don't let your inner whitey

bulger come out.
Just flash them all that smile

they taught you in anger

now, Mr. Vice president and
only Mr. Vice president, would

you consider adding additional
justices to the supreme court?

He won't even answer.
I just asked the question

he won't even answer it
just like he won't he answer

about his son hunter and burisma
and the mayor of Moscow and

Obama was spying on me and he
e-mailed Benghazi.

Mr. President, you're just
listing terms you heard on fox

it sounds like you're saying the

names of characters from season
4 of a show that no one has

Sheriff of Portland

Mr. Vice president, your

look, here's the deal
can I respond to that, Chris?

Will you just shut up, man?
[ Cheers and applause

no, Joe.

don't lose control
it's what he's hoping for.


Where was I?
You said "look, here's the


Look, here's the deal.

lost it.
Come back to me.

I'll find it
it's up here somewhere

Chris, can I say one thing?
Am I allowed to say one thing?

Yes, Mr. President.
What we need in this country

is law and order
when someone breaks the rules,

they need to face the

no exceptions.

What about your taxes?
There have to be exceptions,

The terms law and order, they're

very vague terms
and rules are meant to be

it's the same with masks

I've got mine right here in my

it's right here.

[ Laughter ]
But you don't need a mask all

the time
it's like a seat belt.

You just wear it when you're
backing out of the driveway,

then you can take it off
[ Laughter ]

But Joe wears the biggest mask
you've ever seen

and he's always standing like
200 feet away from people.

Look, man
I'm a nice guy

but if you give me any more guff
tonight I'll rip your face off

like a mad chimp
[ Laughter ]

I'll knock that thing off your
head and burn it

Bury it in the pet cemetery
where it came from

stop it, Joe
stop it.

You can't lose your cool just
because this joker's raising

little monkey dust
the country's counting on you.

Just stand here and look lucid
[ Laughter ]

I know it.
I know what'll calm me down.

My new Harry styles meditation

we dip our toes in cold wet

We sit and face the sea

we let the waves watch over


Just you and me.

I think maybe I should listen
to my meditation tape as well.

Ladies and gentlemen!
Freedom, Liberty and the

American dream
the best is yet to come!

all right, all right.

Can we please have a civilized

debates are a time-honored
tradition and the bedrock of

American democracy

[ laughter ]
Mr. President, if you keep

interrupting this debate, I'll
do absolutely nothing about it

okay, okay.
I'll be quiet.

I don't want to be dictated

and I'm not going to be
distracted anymore by this clown


I'm definitely going to

I'm going to try to keep my --
what is that

where's that coming from
Mr. President, please stop

using a laser pointer.
It's not a laser pointer.

It's a wand that cures the

Boys, boys, boys, boys, boys.
[ Cheers and applause

both of you, just stop right

All right?
You look at me, Donald

you do not treat my Joe like

all right?
Kamala, I got this.

Joe, let mamala go to work.
[ Laughter ]

Now, Donald, I want you to
apologize to Joe

he started it

I don't care who started it.

All right?
I don't even care who sharted

you apologize to Joe

I'm sorry

what's that
I said sorry.

You know, look, I think if
there's one thing we learned

tonight, it's that America needs
a wap.

Woman as president
[ Cheers and applause

but for now I'll settle for

Hot vice president in charge
so why don't the to owo of you

finish this debate or whatever
the hell this is with dignity?

And when you're done I've got
some pb and j and apple slices

waiting for you.

thank you, senator Harris.
Oh, I am not done with you,

You will see me in my office

after debate

and finally, just to ensure

this is the worst presidential
debate in history, I'd like to

close with white supremacy
ooh, baby, come to papa

[ laughter ]
Mr. President, I'll ask you

do you condemn white

condemn them?

I don't know any
I mean, who are you even talking

The proud boys

the white boot
the eugenics eagles?

I don't even know any of these

I certainly wouldn't even know
how to signal them if I tried.

America, are you listening to

the president of the united
states is literally blowing a

dog whistle.
[ Laughter ]

I don't think this thing is

I don't hear anything.
Mr. Vice president, your

closing statement.
Well --

that is so unfair
why don't I get to make a

closing statement first?
After all, I am the pres---

[ laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause

sorry, but I think we all
needed a break

isn't that satisfying?
Just not to hear his voice for a

single goddamn second.
[ Cheers and applause

let's wall low in it
let's bask in the trumplessness.

[ Laughter ]
Now, Chris, could I speak

directly to the American people?
Is it going to be weird

[ Laughter ]

Totally weird.

Look at me
look directly into my eyeballs

you can trust me
because I believe in science and

Now, just imagine if science and

Karma could somehow team up and
send us all a message about how

dangerous this virus can be.
[ Laughter ]

I'm not saying I want it to

just imagine if it did
[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause

Can't do it.

I'm going to leave him on pause.
Oh, and one more thing

live from New York, it's
Saturday night

Saturday night
announcer: It's "Saturday

night live"!
With -

Beck Bennett
aidy Bryant.

Michael che.
Pete Davidson.

Mikey day.
Heidi gardner.

Colin jost
Kate McKinnon.

Alex moffat.
Kyle mooney.

Ego nwodim
Chris redd

cecily strong.
Kenan Thompson

Melissa villasenor
featuring --

Andrew dismukes.
Chloe fineman.

Lauren holt.
Mikey Johnson.

Bowen Yang
musical guest

Megan thee stallion.
And your host, Chris rock.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Chris rock

[ cheers and applause

Thank you!
Thank you!

Thank you!
Thank you very much!

Before we even get started
let's -- you know, the elephant

in the room.
President Trump's in the

from COVID

and you know, I just want to say
my heart goes out to COVID

[ laughter ]
This is a special show

this show is quite different
than every other show.

There are so many -- everybody
in this audience has been

checked and all week I've had
things going up my nose.

Every day I come in here
I haven't had so much stuff up

my nose since I shared a
dressing room with Chris farley.

[ Laughter ]
I've got to say, the audience,

this floor right here, are first
respond -- what are they, first

all the audience right here.

[ Cheers and applause
everybody here

they're first responders

they're so good, we let people
die tonight so they could see a

good show.

[ laughter ]
Now, you know, everything's --

the world is insane right now.
But one thing we can agree upon,

COVID has ruined our plans
we all used to have plans before

Remember we used to be able to

plan stuff
my sister was getting married.

I paid bell biv devoe $80,000.
And I can't get it back.

[ Laughter ]
I had tickets to Coachella, man.

I know 200,000 Americans are

but I'm not seeing rage against
the machine this year, man

[ laughter ]
That is a travesty

now, one thing I've noticed
about this whole pandemic.

People are like reassessing
their relationships.

That's the big thing
taking inventory

you know, a lot of break-ups
a lot of divorces.

And a lot of like

you know
couples stay together but

they're like okay, we're going
to stay together but I'm telling

you exactly what I don't like
about you right now.

[ Laughter ]
If we're going to keep this

going you're going to have to
change some stuff.

and it's weird

we're doing that with our

All of us are doing that with
our relationships.

But I think we need to
renegotiate our relationship to

the government
you know

[ applause ]
It's like -- yeah, we need to

renegotiate our relationship to
the government

it doesn't work.
I mean, I think Joe biden should

be the last president ever
[ Laughter ]

We need a whole new system

I mean, do we even need a
president president?

Or just figure out a new way to
do the job

I mean, what job do you have for
four years no matter what?

[ Laughter ]
Show me one job.

Like if you hired a cook and he
was making people vomit every

day, do you sit there and go,
"well, he's got a four-year

We've just got to vomit for four

more years
[ Laughter ]

I mean, to be the president of
the United States all you have

to be is 35 and born in the
United States.

So you know, if anybody can be
the president, then anybody can

be the president
[ Applause ]

That's how we got in this

You know what I mean
I mean, it should be some rules

to being the president
you realize there's more rules

to a game show than running for

[ Laughter ]
Like Donald Trump left a game

show to run for president
because it was easier.

[ Laughter ]
That's right

there's rules to be on

You can't just jump on

you can't throw your son on

Or your son-in-law
Steve Harvey can't put his

family on "family feud."
[ Laughter ]

It's like real scrutiny, man
and do the democrats even want

to win
do they even want to win

it's like Trump, he runs
against -- the democrats just

keep putting up 75-year-old
people to run against Trump.

Now, hey, one thing we can say
about Trump.

He got the most energy of any
75-year-old person on the face

of the earth
even Mick Jagger's like, "slow

down, Donald."
[ Laughter ]

You know, Trump is like -- he's
like a dominant female boxer

he's like ronda rousey
like damn, it she can fight.

And then you go, oh, she hitting

[ Laughter ]
We've got to figure out our

whole relationship
we've got to renegotiate our

relationship to the government
the senate and the congress

doesn't work
no, it doesn't freaking work,

It doesn't work.

And why doesn't it work?
Because they need freaking term


we've agreed in the united
states that we cannot have

Yet we have Dukes and duchesses

running the senate and the
congress making decisions for

poor people.
[ Applause ]

That's right
rich people making decisions for

poor people.
That's like your handsome friend

giving you dating advice
like I I think you should go

over there and grab her by the
ass and tell her it's yours.

Yeah, that works for you, Idris.
[ Laughter ]

Hey, we've got to take this

We've got to get out there
we've got to vote.

But they don't want us to vote
the government does not want you

to vote.
Why do I know they don't want

you to vote?
Because election day's a Tuesday

in November.
[ Laughter ]

Anybody here ever put something
on a Tuesday in November

does anybody get married on a
Tuesday in November?

Church ain't on a Tuesday.
[ Laughter ]

Even Jesus avoids Tuesday.
[ Laughter ]

You know, if this show was
Tuesday night live, it would

have got canceled in 1975.
[ Laughter ]

I mean, that's why we've got to
vote, man.

And we've got to take it

We've got to take it serious
you know, like I watch the

Republicans take it serious.
You know, you watch fox news,

Sean hannity's mean.
Every day!

He's looking you in the camera,
he's telling you it's the end of

the world.
Listen to me

and every time I see Anderson
Cooper, he's with Andy Cohen on

new year's Eve, blowing a kazoo.
[ Laughter ]

Drinking Rose.
It's like of course they believe

you know, Walter cronkite was

like the most respected man in

you know why
'cause we never saw him in

[ Laughter ]

but we've got to take this

serious, man
we've got to take the whole

government serious
we've got to take the --

everything going on right now,
we can lick this

we can beat this if we all work

you know, James Baldwin said,

not everything that is faced can
be changed but nothing can be

changed until it's faced

[ cheers and applause
all right?

We've got a great show for you

Megan thee stallion is here.
So stick around!

And we'll be right back.
[ Cheers and applause

action 9 news at 5:00.
Our top story, a potential

super spreading event has
occurred at the Pittsburgh

federal building
with more on this we go to

Dylan Bertram at the scene
Dylan, it seems like this story

is going really -- viral some?
Uh, that's in poor taste,

Ashley, and I apologize on your

here's what we know so far
health officials are attempting

to contact anyone who visited
the third floor of the federal

building today, home to the
legal change of name office,

after an employee tested
positive for COVID-19.

I'm joined by two women who were
on the way up to the third floor

to change their names when it
was evacuated.

Tell us your names and what

Edith puthie.
I'm sorry

I said Edith puthie
I'm flattered, ma'am, but no

thank you.
No, Edith puthie is my name

Irma gerd
oh my god is right.

No, Irma gerd is my name.
Oh, I see

I've got it now.
I'm sorry.

Miss puthie, just curious.
What were you planning on

changing your name to?
Well, I was thinking of any

name that's not Edith puthie
Dylan, I hate to pull you way

from miss put hichlt e just as
you were getting into it but I'm

told the health department has a

Good afternoon.
I'm Dr. Kevin Joseph from

Pittsburgh's contact tracing

We're still trying to locate the
following people who were in the

name change office today
Burton Ernie

Alma holzhert.
Ben ladden

and deepa daddy.

Whatever you say, girl

We're also looking for
Duncan Dixon-coffey.

Finn gurbang
and moe lestin Jr.

[ Laughter ]
Now I'd like to address the

rumor about Tess tichol.
A young woman who visited the

name change office today
reports she lost her sense of

taste and smell are false.
In fact, the Tess tichol I just

examined smelled and tasted

It did?
Good for you, man

I'm sorry.
Thank you

all right
we'll keep our eyes peeled in

case Tess tichol pops out.
No word on when the office will

reopen, leaving many who wanted
to change their name frustrated.

Like this man, Mr. Mike rodick
oh, it's, uh, rodick.

You stress the ro.

sorry to be annoying, but it
makes a difference

not a problem
Mike rodick was one of a -

I'm the worst, but the longer

you pause between Mike and
rodick the better it is for me

nothing crazy.
Just like Mike, little pause,


Maybe it's easier if I just call
you by what your name will be?

I'm going with my mom's maiden

name, litt


I'm here with Mike litt.
Sorry, Dylan.

The department of health has an

hopefully you can find Mike litt
later and finish what you

started there.
But, now let's go to Dr. Joseph.

I'd like to thank this man
who was turned away from the

name change office but stuck
around to help us contact trace.

Mr. Jeffrey Epstein.
Jeffrey b. Epstein.

In my book, Jeffrey Epstein
is a hero.

You forgot that "b" again
very important "b.

I'm proud to call
Jeffrey Epstein a friend

you -- you're going to wish
you didn't say that.

Thank you
all right

well, I think we can all applaud
what Jeffrey Epstein did

Dylan, we've got a little

more time.
Any chance of getting back to

Mike litt?
Uh, you know, he was right

under my nose, but I lost him.
[ Laughter ]

Well, you stay down there and
keep poking around

I will, but no promises
it's a real mess down here

[ laughter ]
I bet

more on this story as it

for action 9 news I'm
Ashley spitzer-swallows.

[ Cheers and applause

♪ hello hello hello hello

got your mask on
I can get lost

in your eyes all day ♪
♪ face time all night

go to slee
just tal

about everything ♪
♪ spend a month

a week and three day
and I want you in so man

ways but there's ♪
♪ one thing getting

in the way
I still ain'

seen the bottom ♪
♪ of your fac

what's up with
the bottom of your fac

bottom of your face ♪
♪ what it look like

♪ what's up wit
the bottom of your fac

let me see it baby
bottom of your fac

what's up with ♪
♪ million dollar smil

lower chin like leno
it's strange

you're by yourself looking ♪
♪ like bane

ain't seen
your whole fac

but I know your ♪
♪ dog's nam

it's sic
how your mas

matches your fit ♪
♪ but do you got your

teeny tiny lip
won't sham

what you look like ♪
♪ baby let's go

drop that mask
to the -

floor ♪
♪ what's up with the bottom of

your face ♪
♪ show the bottom baby

♪ what's up with the bottom of
your face ♪

♪ what's up with that
♪ boy shut up yeah yeah

we've been talking
for a minute

but this dude ♪
♪ want me maskles

in a pandemi
he don't car

about your health ♪
♪ he just wants to see yo

topless pulling up
to his cri

swallowing his chocolate ♪
♪ you want to see

the bottom of my fac
take your hat of

show me how that head ♪
♪ is shaped

I bet money that that hairline
crooked take the beard off and

show me how the jaw looking ♪
♪ okay y'all took

this the way I ain't
mean ♪

♪ next he gonna
say we shouldn't

get vaccin
you probably think ♪

♪ we also can't vot
your body is your choice

your mind is
your thoughts ♪

♪ your Booty is your voic
boy stop

ya'll wanna hot girl
or not ♪

♪ they trying t
catch corona for the wap

they got the right one
we can tease them all day ♪

♪ but let's give them
what they want

bottom of your fac
they about to show it to u

bottom of your face ♪
♪ what's up wit

the bottom of your fac
I can almost see I

I don't think you understand ♪
oh, she made me say it.

But you don't know what the hell
she look like.

There could be a whole ecosystem
living under that thing.

♪ She also may have
only one big tooth

sneaky -
hiding her giuliani teeth ♪

♪ life's a roller coaster
♪ before you go

back to that place
you've got to se

the bottom of their face ♪
♪ bottom of their fac

hello ♪

[ Cheers and applause

Tony hawk, you've done it

"Pro skater 2" far surpasses the

Brad, dinner's almost ready

this is your ten-minute warning.
I heard you the first time,

please call me "mom."

Hey, whatever
no wonder dad left to become a

now if I could just grind this

lunch table like a p-i-m-p

Hello, Zach
hey, what's up?

Whoa, are you like a ghost
yeah, I'm like a ghost.

But specifically a ghost from
the future

and I have something important
to show you.

Just one sec

I'll be right with you
seriously, can you pause it

go ahead, dude, I'm

Frick, I almost landed that

I was going to show you what
your future was like

but if you just want to play
your little skateboard game,

that's fine.
Wait, see my future

yeah, I'll pause my game for
that frickin' crap

hey, hopefully I live at the
playboy mansion.

You don't

Well, then hopefully I'm married
to Eliza dushku and the mom from

"spy kids.
Well, you might want to lower

those expectations

take a look.


Is that me
this is you in 2020

a global pandemic sends your

life into a tailspin
you lose your job and you have

to move back in with your mom.
And this is all you ever do.

Oh, my god.

I know

I can't believe it.
Those graphics

are fricking insane!
Holy frig!

They look like real!

no, no, no.
Forget about the graphics.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I'll just forget about the most
amazing thing I've ever seen

seriously, are you blind
did you look at the clips while

playing with yourself?
It looks like real

and what the frig kind of
console is that?

A PlayStation 2?

that's an old ps4.

oh, god.

I think I just nutted for the
first time in my life.

[ Laughter ]
You didn't.

And is that a wireless

can I have 2020 now, please?

Can you please just stop
fixating on the game and take

this seriously
yeah, yeah.

I'll take this seriously
right after I do this.

♪ those graphic

I just saw the mos
awesome graphics

and suddenly this game ♪
♪ will never be the Sam

those graphics ♪
stop with the song parodies,

you goofy ass.
Hey, man.

You don't understand?
In 20 years the world as you

know it is going to change


that's my mom.
Oh, wow.

And she's a dentist now.
[ Laughter ]

Zach, everything okay

this Wi-Fi sucks ass
why don't you start an onlyfans

so we can afford a second

hey, hey, hey
that is no way to talk to your

this is my wife, damn it

hold up
my mom married kenan Thompson?

[ Laughter ]

"my mom married
kenan Thompson."

Coming to peacock this fall.

There's a new face in

Hello to all my beautiful
wild flowers

after seeing what went down
with Ellen, we took a hard turn

in the other direction
I am just like you.

A boho free spirit mommy mother
movie star since I was 6

it's "the drew Barrymore

How drew you do
tune in to see her have a

blast by herself in a big empty

totally motally otally.
Watch as she connects to her

zoom audience.
Thank you for being my vffs,

virtual friends forever.
Drew gives back to worthy

families in the best way she

How are you holding up?
You know it's been tough.

My husband and I are working
from home and we have almost

$50,000 in hospital bills.
I feel that, Linda.

And that's why we're paying to
renovate your walk-in closet

and don't worry about her
being mean to the crew

thank you
they say she maintains eye

contact too long and is too
emotionally supportive

just --
I'm a hugger.


Thank you
be the third wheel in a

celebrity catch-up
my best friend Reese

Witherspoon, the best woman on

You are literally -- I marvel at

I love you.
I want to come into your room

and murder you with a butter

Get drew's take on the news
hot off the press, brushing

your teeth is a game changer
and stay tuned for a

harrowing catch-up between drew
and her ex-husband Tom green

it's been what, 15 years?

Would you like some sausage?
You want guests

drew texts everyone in her phone
and interviews whoever shows up.

Like Nicole Kidman
thank you for allowing me to

be on your show.
Drew, this is your show

oh, my god.
Thank you.

At least someone's enjoying

00:37:13,004 --> 00:37:16,001
and now sensational
homosexual Billy Porter singing

to a flower.
♪ edelweiss

♪ oh
♪ ay, ay, ay, ay

is this happening
or am I kind of high

"the drew Barrymore show.
You're in your bed anyway.

Just watch it.

Ladies and gentlemen, Megan
thee stallion.

[ Cheers and applause

♪ I'm a savag

attitude nasty
talk big big but

my bank account match it ♪
♪ hood, but I'm class

rich, but I'm ratchet ♪
♪ haters kept my name

in they mout
now they gaggin ♪

♪ bougie, he sa
the way that thang mov

it's a movie ♪
♪ I told that boy

we gotta keep it low
leave me the room key ♪

♪ I done bled the block
and now it's hot, ho

I'm tunech
a mood and I'm moody, ah ♪

♪ I'm a savage yeah
classy, bougie, ratche

yeah, okay ♪
♪ sassy, moody, nasty

yeah, hey, hey
acting stupi

what's happening ♪
♪ woah, woah, woa

what's happening
what's happening? ♪

♪ I'm a savag
yeah, okay

classy, bougie, ratche
yeah ♪

♪ sassy, moody, nasty

acting stupi
what's happening? ♪

♪ What's happening?
Ayy, ah ♪

♪ like Beyonce, like me
he want

like the stallio
with the knees ♪

♪ he be lik
damn, how that thang movin

in them jeans?
Yeah, yeah, them jeans ♪

♪ ayy, even d4l couldn'
do it like me, like me ♪

♪ I need a mop to
clean the floo

it's too much drip, ooh ♪
♪ I keep a knot

I keep a watch
I keep a whip, ooh ♪

♪ let's play a game
Simon says

I'm still that, ay ♪
♪ I'm a savag

classy, bougie, ratche
sassy, moody, nasty ♪

♪ acting stupid
what's happening

what's happening ♪
♪ hips tiktok

when I dance
on that demon time

she might start a onlyfans ♪
♪ big b and tha

b stand for band
if you wanna see some real

baby, here's your chance ♪
♪ I say, left cheek

right cheek, drop it low
then swang, swang ♪

♪ Texas up in this than
put you up on this game, gam

Ivy park on my frame, fram
gang, gang, gang, gang ♪

♪ if you don't jump
to put jeans o

baby, you don't feel
my pain hol' up ♪

♪ I'm a savag
classy, bougie, ratche

sassy, moody, nasty ♪
♪ acting stupid

what's happening
what's happening ♪

♪ I'm a savag
classy, bougie, ratche

sassy, moody, nasty ♪
♪ acting stupid

what's happening
what's happening ♪

The most disrespected,
unprotected, neglected person in

America is the black woman
who taught you to hate the

texture of your hair, the color
of your skin, the shape of your

who taught you to hate from the

top of your head to the soles of
your feet?

Daniel Cameron is no
different than the sellout

negros that sold our people into

We need to protect our black
women and love our black women

because at the end of the day we
need our black women

we need to protect our black men
and stand up for our black men

because at the end of the day we
need our black men

♪ I'm a savag
classy, bougie, ratche

sassy, moody, nasty ♪
♪ acting stupid

what's happening
what's happening ♪

♪ I'm a savag
classy, bougie, ratche

sassy, moody, nasty ♪
♪ acting stupid

what's happening
what's happening ♪

[ Cheers and applause

update" with Colin jost and
Michael che.

[ Cheers and applause

Good evening, everyone
welcome to "weekend update.

I'm Michael che.
I'm Colin jost.

Well, say what you will about
2020, but it's got moves

[ laughter ]
This news was a lot for us to

process a day before we came
back on the air after four

months off
and it all happened so fast,

I woke up yesterday and heard
the president had mild symptoms.

Then four hours later, he was
getting medevaced to a hospital

in what looked like the last
chopper out of Vietnam

[ laughter ]
I have to say, it's a bad sign

for America that when Trump said
he tested positive for a virus

60% of people were like, prove

[ laughter ]
It's been very weird to see all

these people who clearly hate
Trump come out and say we wish

him well
I think a lot of them are just

guilty that their first wish
came true.

[ Laughter ]
Yeah, well, you know,

politics aside, this is awful
news for us because Trump was

actually supposed to host "SNL"
next week.

[ Laughter ]
Okay, serious voice.

While in the hospital the
president isn't allowed to see

any guests, but he is expected
to be visited by three ghosts.

[ Laughter ]
Probably one from the past, one

from his -- okay, look, this is

Because a lot of people on both
sides are saying there's nothing

funny about Trump being
hospitalized with coronavirus.

Even though he mocked the safety
precautions for the coronavirus.

And those people are obviously

There's a lot funny about this
maybe not from a moral

but mathematically, if you were

constructing a joke, this has
all the ingredients you need

[ laughter ]
The problem is it's almost too

Like it's so on the nose

it would be like if I were
making fun of people who wear

belts and then my pants
just immediately fell down

[ laughter ]
A new poll shows that 75% of

lgbtq voters support Joe biden
but 0% of them support Joe biden

guessing what the b, t, and q
stand for.

[ Laughter ]
I have to say you know who's got

my support for president
NBA commissioner Adam silver

he somehow built a bubble that
is better than anything our

government could come up with.
Instead of stopping the bubble

when the season ends, why don't
they just slowly expand it until

it covers the whole country?
[ Laughter ]

Just saying.
By the way, is anyone

surprised by this?
I honestly thought Trump was

trying to get coronavirus.
I thought it was like "groundhog

day" when bill Murray just knew
he couldn't die.

And he was just trying anything.
So all those maskless rallies

Trump was having, that was him
being safe

look, I don't want the president
to die, obviously.

Actually, I wish him a very
lengthy recovery

[ laughter ]
[ Applause ]

I will say that despite
everything President Trump

actually seems to be in good

He tweeted a message that ended
with "love" and three

exclamation points

so it sounds like they're
cutting his hydroxychloroquine

with a little bit of Molly
[ Laughter ]

And then this is good.
Just hours ago Trump released a

video from the hospital saying
he's in better health, which is

great news, though I will point
out that if the situation were

reversed and it was biden who
got sick Trump would 100% be at

a maskless rally tonight getting
huge laughs doing an impression

of biden on a ventilator
just saying.

Just saying.
This week a judge blocked

America's ban on the
Chinese-owned app tiktok, which

the White House claims is a
threat to national security.

And here to comment is Chinese
trade minister chin bao.

What's popping, Michael che?

Tray daddy drop the addy
it's good to see you, chin.

You're the one overseeing this
tiktok deal?

No one else could do it but

'cause I'm a savage.
Classy, loyal, loyal supplicant

to the communist party
[ Laughter ]

Well, speaking of that,
there's concern the government

of China could be stealing our
data, our user data with this

tiktok app
what do you think of that?

Okay, you're worried we're
stealing your identity

honey, your phone unlocks with
your face.

Plus America steals Chinese
stuff every day.

Banning parts of the Internet,
arresting protesters

It's the hypocrisy for me, che

[ laughter ]
So you're not collecting our

user data?
I mean, sure, we have it.

But none of it is even that

Like oh, you googled cousin Greg
shirtless 20 times last month?

You're not quirky.
You're just horny, Savannah.

[ Laughter ]
Who is Savannah

oh, just some girl who said
"she's doing the work on racism"

from her family's house in

Boat shoe-wearing bitch.
[ Laughter ]

Well, the deal requires that
tiktok be partially owned by an

American company, which is most
likely going to be Walmart

oh, Walmart
brick and mortar

how long did that brainstorm

look, if you said name an

American company and I said
Walmart, that would make me

[ Laughter ]

But I guess cracker barrel
didn't want to play ball

all right
so you seem pretty annoyed

I mean, yeah, I'm salty, che.
This has been a really hard time

for China.
Because of the virus?

No, because live action
"mulan" was just okay.

No songs, no mushu, no thank
$30 from me Disney plus.

But does all this make you
worry about the future of

oh no, babe, you cannot stop

we took videos and we made them

We took babies and we made them

We took lip-syncs and we made

them straight.
[ Laughter ]

So you want to stop China and
get in the way of us

well, I just checked my fenty
collab rolex and you're running

out of time.
So -

girl don't do it
it's not worth it.

I'm not going to do it, girl
I was just thinking about it

I'm not going to do it

Chen biao, everybody.
I did it.

I did it
I did it

Mitch McConnell, seen here
calmly watching an injured puppy

try to cross a busy high way,
said that the senate would move

forward with a vote on Trump's
supreme court nominee even

though he denied Obama's nominee
a vote in 2016

and if that makes you angry at
Mitch McConnell, you're going to

be really upset when you find
out your anger sexually excites

The Tennessee titans halted

in-person workouts after three
players tested positive for the

Well, I guess we've got to

cancel the whole season and
forget it ever happened, said

the New York jets.
This is fun.

A Canadian woman was fined more
than $25,000 for illegally

importing bull semen
meanwhile, in the U.S. bull

semen is sold legally under the
name white claw.

[ Laughter ]
A new law has been passed in

California requiring companies
to have more diversity in their

board of directors
which is how I forced my way

onto the board of b.E.T.
[ Laughter ]

There's going to be some changes

around here.
[ Laughter ]

The CDC reported that
there's a salmonella outbreak

involving people who have pet
bearded dragons.

So if you have one at home,
remember to cook them all the

way through.
[ Laughter ]

Actor vin diesel has
released a dance music song

called "feel like I do."
And look, I know a lot of people

are making fun of them and
saying it's terrible and he

should stick to acting
[ Laughter ]

A 7-year-old -- a 7-year-old
boy in Pennsylvania set a new

world record by bouncing on a
pogo stick over 2,000 times in a

Said the boy's parents, "open

the schools!
[ Laughter ]

Tourism and airplane travel
have been hit especially hard by

the coronavirus this year.
Here to comment on the changing

state of her industry is seventh
grade travel expert Carrie crum.

Chrpz chrnz
[ Cheers and applause

I missed you, Michael.

I missed you too.
So how was your summer

it was awesome.
My mom bought me a chef's hat

for when I make pizza and my
brother shot me twice with a

paintball gun.
Well, that's pretty

so Carrie, you must have been

sad that you couldn't take any
of your fun trips this summer.

Oh, Michael, being at home is
the ultimate vacation.

You've got my room, my small
room, a small decorative box

filled with my baby teeth, and
an irrigation ditch where all my

pets were laid to rest
and did you know, Michael,

church is illegal right now?
So we listen to it on the radio.

And Michael?

I looked into church in a

[ Laughter ]
Well, that all sounds very

So what are some tips on how

people can enjoy a good

oh, well, bring the beach to
you with something my family

likes to call the hose in the

it's like a refreshing pool
where you don't have to know how

to swim and the water tastes
like dirt and metal.

[ Laughter ]
Okay, Carrie.

What about something fun for
kids going back to school

you've got to make the best

of the hard times.
I am loving computer school.

I'm never on mute.
I'm always talking, always

moving, and I can't stop looking
at myself.

And I didn't think that I could
ever have a crush over zoom.

But Jack mathers, I mean, during
social studies, I can see his

[ Laughter ]

And Michael?

He's got a big lizard in there
bad boy.

[ Laughter ]

All right.
Well, is it hard to not hang out

with your friends at least
well, technically, I'm never

alone because fairies are real
and when it rains it becomes

easier to see them
so it sounds like you

actually sort of thrived in

well, yeah.
Except for -- well, my mom says

I need to get a --
[ Mumbling ]

A what?
A tank top with support

it's not a bra, but it do press

oh, my god.
Yeah, and then my brother

Mitchell found it.
He put it on

and then stuffed toilet paper in
like the holders

and he was walking around doing
like a chichi dance.

And I screamed so loud that my
dad thought I'd been hurt.

Whatever, though, because I
started drinking sprite out of a

coffee cup
I'm an adult

Carrie krum, everybody.
For "weekend update" I'm

Michael che.
Colin jost.

Good night

Live from big thunder
mountain hotel in Orlando, it's

the nbabubble draft finals wit
your host, patrice soupsalad

welcome, welcome, welcome
during this unique basketball

season our players have been
completely isolated from their

wives, their girlfriends, and
whoever else they might want to

Now that we've reached the

finals, these lovely ladies have
one last chance to join the NBA

this is the "NBA bubble draft.

Brought to you by summer's
Eve, lysol wipes

because you may have sat in
something and you don't want to

get it that way.
Now, these women may not get

a championship ring, but they
could get the next best thing.

18 years of child support.
Let's pick the top draft picks

I'm Candice, and I've got a
really impressive resume

lil' Wayne, lil dicky, Wesley
snipes, and two years of nursing

show block

I'm queenie, a former hockey
ho in two sports

I used to follow the canucks but
now I follow the kanicks

I'm kitty and I'm an
essential worker here to shoot

my shot.
So you're a COVID nurse

Seeing a lot of promise here

It's going to be difficult to

choose the smartest and the
prettiest and the most down, if

you know what I mean
how'd I get this bag?

How'd I get this ring?
Well, let's just say it's velvet

down there
hey, is that girl laughing at

sweetheart, that's a cutout

of a face.
Well, she got a stank face

and she flat as hell
hey, is this where the

Seattle storm and the Las Vegas
aces are staying

I think you're looking for
the wnba

right you are, sir.
Love is love.

And love is basketball
who's next

my husband and I have been
together since high school

we have five kids and I am his

but he already told me he wasn't
allowed in the bubble, so I am

just here to send my man some

well, you are allowed in the

you just have to quarantine.

That is not the information that

had been previously relayed to

but now that I am privy to this,
my husband is a dead man

things are heating up
how y'all doing

I'm c.J. And I've been here for
60 days.

Because I just have to keep
restarting quarantine because I

can't stop ordering buffalo wild

The bubble is tight
no ordering outside food

it's all right because I made
it to day 13

so I am good
hey, I have a buffalo wild

wings delivery here.
I said contactless delivery


I'm quarantining in Disney world

I used to work in the hall of

I played Monica Lewinsky
but then I got older

And now I get to be goofy.

Marry me, basketball
oh, sorry, I should put on my

[ Laughter ]

You know what that sound

A draft pick has been made
please welcome NBA commissioner

Adam silver.

good work, soupsalad
being here today proves that

even being in a pandemic you
can't keep a good host down.

That being said our point guard
beautiful wife Michelle is here.

So obviously --
change of plans

I choose her
oh, my god!

I promise you won't regret this.

it's been a long journey to get

all the dms.
All the thirst trappings

you got my Amazon wish list,

Love you.

First wives, second wives,
mistresses and side pieces

this has been the NBA bubble

And now the
stunt performers guild presents,

an epic virtual fight.
I wish I could be back on set

doing kick-ass stunts with my

Wait a minute.
We can do it from home


Oh, no way

oh, no.

Not today.
You rotten kids

my ass

We are the stunt performers
of America

just like you, we can't wait
to get back to work.

We want to be doing epic car

sick knife fights
karate and motorcycle jumps

and our expertise is mostly
falling down and getting hit in

the crotch by kids
yeah, we stunt double for

villains and children's

so, I typically play the fat
authoritative woman who people

like to see get hurt real bad.
I'm usually getting tossed.

Body going "aah" through the air
and kids are cheering.

That's probably me
we love what we do.

And there's all different
kinds of stunts.

Nothing makes me happier than
jumping through fire

or leaping off a helicopter
or getting kicked into a

dumpster by a cow.
For the purposes of children's

yeah, it's been six months

since I've been able to use my
number one skill, which is of

course farting from being hit in
the head

and we're from the old

we're not faking those farts

I mean, it helps the kids
understand that we're not

actually being hurt.
We are just being hit so hard

that farts are coming out.
You might not know us but we

help make some of your favorite

I drove the Maserati in
"furious 7."

I was an Amazon warrior in
"wonder woman.

And I played ugly shusher in
"cool kid library" and also evil

lunch lady in "camp bitch.
And I was the star of

"nurse wedgie.
In this one part, the kid

switched my hat for an octopus
and then I stumbled face first

into a toilet.
Which was hard because then we

had to go and shoot the scene.
Got to stay strong.

Got to stay in shape.
Yeah, don't want to lose our

ass calluses
one, two, three, four

these stunts hurt
I've been bit in the vagina by a

dog more times than I can count.
And the dogs don't understand

it's pretend
so if you want them to let go

you've got to cut their heads

So everybody, please.
Wear your mask

stay home.
And hang in there.

So we can do more of this.

Oh, you -

[ fart sound ]
Not in my library

the stunt performers
association of America

shameful stunts call today
plau ][ Apse

once again, Megan thee

[ cheers and applause

♪ real hot girl

ah, ayy ♪
♪ I got a stank

walk walk walk
and a reckless mouth

and my, so tight ♪
♪ when we, my, talk

♪ I don't even sa
what's u

I just tell hi
what I want ♪

♪ cause I got another
that's gon' do I

if he don't, ah ♪
♪ attitude ba

too good
when he sa

me, I tell him, me good ♪
♪ chase these

I wish I would
bad like m

wish they could ♪
♪ she a Casper to m

I need glasses to se
in the mall with her daddy

she a, to me ♪
♪ you ain't, him righ

pass him to me
real, love me from

the h to the d ♪
♪ don't sto

pop that cat
mmm, mmm

just like that ♪
♪ mmm, mm

shake that
shake that

mmm, mmm ♪
♪ work it, work I

don't stop, pop that cat
mmm, mmm

just like that ♪
♪ mmm, mm

shake that, shake that
hmm, hmm

work it, work it ♪
♪ patek, just for the day

say she gotta go
roll the Ace of spades ♪

♪ and she catch a col
when she rock the chains

but let me see
pinky and the brain ♪

♪ our baby mama
ain't the same, no

she like, baby daddy
ice my chain ♪

♪ she 'bout to
and give me top like a crane

you a, but you gang ♪
♪ shake what your

doctor gave ya
and I'ma ice your wrists

like a player ♪
♪ doctor Miami add layers

now, is fat like a acr
come to the spot

and we lay up ♪
♪ and I'll crea

that, like mayos
ever since

I got my cake up ♪
♪ I been runnin these

like the mayor
don't stop, hatchback ♪

♪ shakin that
on snapchat, yea

off the script
and shakin that ♪

♪ what you'll d
for these rack, rack

where my thots at ♪
♪ I just freed this

like a bird, yeah ♪
♪ where my thots at

let me hit I
from the bac

say, slatt, slatt ♪
♪ don't sto

pop that cat
mmm, mmm

just like that ♪
♪ mmm, mm

shake that
shake that

mmm, mmm ♪
♪ work it, work I

don't stop, pop that cat
mmm, mmm

just like that ♪
♪ mmm, mm

shake that, shake that
hmm, hmm

work it, work it ♪
♪ I'm gon' blow him like ac

give me big, like it
lick, lick, lick

me 'til I scream ♪
♪ twist his tongu

like I, I mean
I mean my body

so out of this world ♪
♪ change my at name

to astrogirl
people say I'm

way too full of myself ♪
♪ you're righ

and I ain't even
made it to dessert, ah ♪

♪ Buffy, no angel
star, no spangle

forty-inch weave
by kellon don't tangle ♪

♪ call my drug dealer
boyfriend on tango

use the taji
when I'm eatin a mango ♪

♪ yeah, I get jealous
if you ate it real goo

I can't help it ♪
♪ any, you with

you need to dead I
fore I come throug

and get hectic, ah ♪
♪ don't sto

pop that cat
mmm, mmm

just like that ♪
♪ mmm, mm

shake that
shake that

mmm, mmm ♪
♪ work it, work I

don't stop, pop that cat
mmm, mmm

just like that ♪
♪ mmm, mm

shake that, shake that
hmm, hmm

work it, work it ♪
shake that, shake that

hmm, hmm
work it, work it ♪

♪ don't sto
pop that cat

mmm, mmm
just like that ♪

♪ mmm, mm
shake that

shake that
mmm, mmm ♪

♪ work it, work I
don't stop, pop that cat

mmm, mmm
just like that ♪

♪ mmm, mm
shake that, shake that

hmm, hmm
work it, work it ♪

[ Cheers and applause

Hey, I want to thank Megan
thee stallion, young dub, Alec

Baldwin, Jim carrey, Maya

And the whole cast of "SNL."

Thank you so much!
Wear a mask!

Wear a mask.
Be safe out there!

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