Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 44, Episode 9 - Matt Damon/Mark Ronson and Miley Cyrus - full transcript

Matt Damon hosts, Mark Ronson and Miley Cyrus perform.

[ Bell tolling ]

Lord, please help Donald

He's not a good man, but he is
in trouble.

Joseph, Jesus and Mary, help
Mr. Trump tonight.

He's a nightmare, but he's all I

Please send a man to help me

I would also like a watch, thank

[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, I don't think I can do

this anymore.
I think I might actually eat a

salad and explode.
What seems to be the trouble,

Who are you?

Stay back.
Relax, I mean you no harm.

My name is Clarence.
And I was sent here from heaven.

I heard you are in trouble.
Oh, it's awful.

Everything is falling apart.
Sometimes I wish I had never

been president.
A world where you were never

president, hey?
I think we can arrange that.


Everyone looks so different.

What are those things on their

Those are called smiles.
Oh, Mr. Trump, I just wanted

say merry Christmas.
It's President Trump, Sarah.

Oh, that's a good one!
Seriously though, thanks for

suggesting I go into PR.
I've made so much money working

for so many awesome companied

Facebook, Ashley Madison, the
romaine lettuce association and

time Warner cable, which is now

Anyway, merry Christmas, Donald.
Wait, Sarah isn't my press

I told you, Donald.

You don't have a press

Because you weren't elected

Yeah, hello, Mr. Trump.
Kellyanne, my god, you look

So healthy and vibrant.

And actually that's because
I'm actually no longer eaten

from within by lies.
And after we lost the campaign,

the devil gave me back my soul.
So --

excuse me, I have to go find my
husband, who I speak to now.

Wait, so Hillary is

That's right.
In this reality, all she had to

do to win was visit Wisconsin

Well, did they find her

They did.
They were all bed, bath and

beyond coupons.
Hello, father.

Oh, my sons, my boys, Don Jr.
and Eric.

Eric is that a rubik's cube?
And finito, haha.

That's italiano for finish.
What the hell is happening

with Eric?
Well, since Eric does not

run the entire Trump
organization, he was able to

attend adult education classes.
Merry Christmas, father.

Or as they say in Finnish, fell
-- feliz navidad.

Okay, but he's still pretty

Donald, so nice to see you.
What's up?

Melania, why are you talking
like that?

Oh, well, after we got
divorced, I lost the accent.

They said being around you all
the time was hurting my language

Well, you're still smocking

Are you holding up okay?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I have a huge real estate empire

You know, I figured if Donald

can do it, anyone can do it.
And I'm happily remarried to

papa John.
And who is this woman?

oh, don't you recognize her?

She's your new wife hernia.
Yeah, she was a suitcase girl

in the serbian version of "deal
or no deal."

It's called "potato or no

And I do this.

I'll say.
I'm an angel.

But I ain't no angel.
You know what I'm saying?

Mr. Trump, merry Christmas!
Michael Cohen, shouldn't you

be in jail after you flipped on

I would never, ever flip on you.

You're my best friend.
And since it's Christmas, I just

want to say, you taught me
everything I know.

Come on, Michael.
No, it's true.

Every single thing I've done is
because you directed me to do

And I hope everyone knows it.

We're a team like o.J. And kato,
or Lyle and Erik menendez.

Merry Christmas, Michael.
And I'll see you tomorrow at

the grand opening of Trump tower

wait, what's that music?

Mike pence is deejaying.
Mike, Mike, is this what

you're doing now?
Oh, hell yeah, dog.

It's so great to be myself.
Thank god I was never your vice

I would just be sitting in

meetings you with and pelosi and
schumer just staring out in

space imagining this.
[ Laughter ]

So everyone is better off

without me being president.
Well, not just them.

You're better off too.
Oh, my god, Donald.

Your hair, it worked!
What is she talking about?

Well, this is a Muslim
immigrant from Syria.

She was allowed to come to

And she discovered a permanent
solution for hair loss.

My god, it's all real.
If there's no Muslim ban, what

about a potential terrorist

Well, it was foiled by a team
of transgender Navy s.E.A.L.S.

All right, when is this party
getting started?

Brett kavanaugh, how is the

supreme court?
Me on the supreme court?

With my temperament, are you

No, they went with that nerd
merrick garland.

But on the plus side when I tell
people I like beer, they find it

charming and not like I'm
threatening violence.

Plus, I have so much more time
now to hang

out with p.J. And squee and
needle dick Nick and no means

yes Nate.
Hey, I brought a little present

for you.
It's a calendar.

And every day is a different

Thank you, Brett.
Merry Christmas, everyone.

Let's do this!
But Clarence, what about my

agenda, all of the things I
wanted to accomplish as

Well, that's the best part

about not being president.
You can still say the same

stuff, build a wall, bring back

But you don't have to deal with
the fact that all of your ideas

are impractical or insane.
So Americans love you.

Wow, this is all so great.
It's like Robert Mueller doesn't


[ Laughter ]
Oh, really?

Hello, Mr. Trump.
I have waited for this moment

for a long time.
Mr. Mueller, I've been

meaning to come and talk to you,
but, golf.

I have something for you.
Is it a subpoena or your

final report?
No, report?

No, no.
No, it's a picture of my

Been spending so much more time

with him since I don't have to
investigate some idiot for

Wait, it sounds like you know

I used to be president.
I know everything.

Wow, this night has put

everything into perspective.
I have had an epiphany.

I guess the world does need me
to be president after all.

Yeah, that was not the lesson
at all.

I want to be president again!
I want to be president again!

Listen, Donald, every time a
bell rings, someone you know

quits or goes to jail.
So I am president again!

It's a Christmas miracle!
No, not the lesson!

So merry Christmas, everyone!
And live from New York, it's

"Saturday night"!

"Saturday night"!
Announcer: It's

"Saturday night live"!
With --

Beck Bennett,
aidy Bryant,

Michael che,
Pete Davidson,

Mikey day,
Leslie Jones,

Colin jost,
Kate McKinnon,

Alex moffat,
Kyle mooney,

cecily strong,
kenan Thompson,

Melissa villasenor.
Featuring --

Heidi gardner,
ego nwodim,

Chris redd,
musical guest --

Mark Ronson and Miley Cyrus.
And your host --

Matt Damon.

Ladies and gentlemen --
ladies and gentlemen --

Matt Damon.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you!
Thank you.

Thank you very much.
I am so excited to be here for

the "SNL" Christmas show.
Nothing beats Christmas in

New York.
Except Christmas in Boston.

Go sox!
This is actually my second time

hosting the show.
The first time was 16 years ago.

Yeah, that is five "Jason
bourne's" ago.

I hosted the premiere of the
28th season.

It was actually so long ago, it
was Fred armisen's first

And tonight is Beck's last

I'm sorry, say what?

I'm sorry, man, maybe they're
gonna tell you that later.

So much has happened in the last
16 years.

I got married.
I have four beautiful children.

I have been able to travel the
world and meet so many wonderful

people doing this job that I
love to do so much.

And if you told me that any of
this would have happened

16 years ago, well, I might have
believed you.

But if you told me Ben affleck
and would I have been washing

cars in summerville,
Massachusetts, I would have

believed that too.
I'm not actually here tonight

promoting anything,
I'm here.

Because I want to be.
I certainly didn't come all this

way to suck.
But if I do, at least my movie

won't suffer.
Because I don't have one coming

So it really does mean a lot for

me to be here tonight.
This show's been such a huge

part of my life.
Growing up, my brother and I

would go to my dad's house every
other weekend.

And he told us if we could stay
up until 1:00 A.M., we could

watch "Saturday night live."
So week after week I tried to

stay up.
But it wasn't until I was

8 years old that I made it all
the way to the end.

And I probably didn't get all of
the jokes.

But I laughed at everything my
dad laughed at.

And although it was way past our
bedtime, my dad knew that there

was nothing more important in
the world than to laugh with the

people that you love.
So my father passed away a year

ago yesterday.
But tonight my big brother is in

Boston watching with his two
boys and all of my kids are

here, including my youngest, who
happens to be 8 years old.

So my wife and I told her that
yeah, she can stay up tonight

until 1:00 A.M.
and she can watch "Saturday

night live."
And she said, "who's hosting?"

And I said, "me, your dad.
Matt Damon."

And she said, "who's the musical

Now because this is the last
"SNL" of the year, I just wanted

to propose a toast to everyone
out there watching.

Here's to closing out the year,
and to an even brighter year

But mostly, here's to all of the

moms and dads to let their kids
stay up too late for all of the

right reasons.

Now we've got a great show for
you tonight, Miley Cyrus and

Mark Ronson are here.
Stick around.

We'll be right back.

Welcome back to the 85th
annual westminster daddy show.

well, it's christmastime, so

you know what that means.
I do, it's time for the daddy

It is.

We are finally up to the best
in daddy show.

For anyone just joining us, this
is a dog show but for daddies.

Love that.
So today's show daddies will be

evaluated and scored on several
factors but there are a few

eligibility requirements.
It's like we say --

both: Any man can be a
father, but it takes a hot

middle-aged guy with a big job
to be a daddy.

Ooh, here comes our head
judge, Georgina malblanc.

What do you think she's looking
for from this year's pack of

Our judges will be looking

for men over the age of 46, salt
and pepper temples, play money

to throw around and smug,
knowing smile that says I do sex

Bring out the daddies.

And we're off.
Here comes the winner of the

sporting group, west palm golf

Golf daddy is a consultant
who loves hanging out we daddy

which I'm told is short for
loves hanging out at the door.

oh, that's cute.

I love that.
Nice showing from golf daddy.

Here comes my personal

Winner of the teach me, daddy,

It's Berkeley tweedy daddy.
Oh, yes.

The tweedy daddy ought to have a
long, elegant gait.

And this one doesn't fade.
Notable traits of the breed

are biking to work and being
absolutely awful to waiters.

[ Laughter ]
Go ahead and bring him here.

Tweedy daddy, come here.

And tweedy daddy right here.
Tweedy daddy up on here.

Tweedy daddy right there.
Tweedy daddy right there.

Here come tweedy daddy here.
Get up tweedy daddy on here.

About Thor you present the
argument, the better I would

respect it.
Another trait of the breed,

being an obstructionist a-hole.
Please, bring him here.

Please, debate me, coward.
That's a dq.

Tweedy daddy disqualified.
Georgina's not taking any of

She never does, wink wink.

Here's the next competitor,

always a crowd favorite.
From the working too much

group, wall street business

I don't know when I'll be
there but I played for v.I.P.

Parking so I will be there in a
minute period.

Business daddies love the
text-to-speech texting.

Just an amazing business

Now judge is manipulating the

Yeah, she's feeling for the
give of cash and the firmness of

a very heavy credit card.
I got to say, this daddy

could get it.
It's not just about can this

daddy get it, it's about is this
daddy a champion?

That's right.
Because all of these daddies

could get it.
Obviously they can get it

because if they couldn't get it,
they wouldn't be here.

So true.

Can I see the business daddy,
the golf daddy, and --

the announcer.
Wait, what?

I don't even have a handler!
You heard her, get down

Oh, very exciting turn of

Jerry is the pedigree broadcast

Makes a little awkward sex joke,

and he looks great holding a

He could take this.
Okay, go around.

Okay, this might be how she

wants them.
Third golf daddy, second

business daddy, first, broadcast

What a coup!

Jerry takes best in show!
I did it!

What an exciting daddy show.
Thanks for joining us.

I don't have a name.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Okay, kids are finally

All right, what is there left to

Already done.

Oh, my god, you are an angel.
So did you have a merry

Are you kidding me?

That was the best Christmas

Babe, I had a smile on my

face from the moment I woke up.

Oh, my god!
Where's daddy?

It's Christmas!
Oh, my god!

You're [ Bleep ] kidding me.
I think I was more excited

than the kids.
I know, I was the same way.

They liked their presents,

Dana loves her playhouse.
You weren't up too late building

it, were you?
[ Crashing ]

This is [ Bleep ]!
[ Bleep ]!

No, it was a breeze.
My family didn't ruin your

day, did they?
No, I love that we hosted

this year.
Merry --

traffic was awful!
Three hours!

Whoa, you gained weight!
Are you sure?

Honestly, babe, they made my

[ Kids yelling ]
[ Coughing ]

Hey, rach, is Cameron sick?
I can't believe your cousin

made the drive.
I know.

It was so nice to see him.

Why do I have to take it off?

Because it's my dinner table,
and they're my kids!

You're racist against whites!
You're racist against whites!

How about you, the hostess
with the mostest?

Taking care of everybody?
How do you do it?

I guess I was just full of
Christmas cheer.

[ Slurring ]
Well, I had a perfect day.

Me, too.
This is going to sound corny,

but I don't know if it was you
and the kids --

[ crying ]
You're not adopted.

She's not adopted.
Why would you call her that?

Or the family being here --
[ Flatulence ]

But I definitely felt some
Christmas magic today.

I absolutely love them!
Come on, guys.

Thank you, guys.
Thank you, guys.

Best Christmas ever?

Best Christmas ever.

He's in my room!
Get out!

I'll go in there.
[ Screaming ]


There it is.
I love this one, drunk Santa.

This baby's going front and

Oh come on, babe, drunk Santa
is tacky.

This is a classy tree.
Okay, sorry drunk Santa,

you've been sentenced to the
back of the tree.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, where
am I!

[ Talking over each other ]
Why am I back here with all

of you?
All of us losers?

The d-listers?
Face it, fish, you're one of us!

The ornaments that are only seen
by the wall.

[ Laughter ]
I'm your peer now.

Take a good look at me!
I'm a souvenir from your trip to

You heard that right, Cleveland.

And being some Cleveland, I was
clearly bought at a airport.

I'm nude head to toe and now I'm
here with yous.

So I'm back here with the
freaks, and the fugly, and now

you are too.
No, no, no, but I'm funny.

You all hear that, he's

[ Laughter ]
Fool, you're tacky, and tacky

goes in backy!
But I was in front of the

tree once.
So was I, fish, 20 years ago.

And for your consideration
promotional holiday themed "good

will hunting" ornament.
Yeah, cause that makes sense.

"Good will hunting" screams

And get this, I can talk too.
You want to hear what I sound

like with 20-year-old batteries?
[ Slurring ]

How do you like them apples?
Oh, no, I don't like them at

What, you don't think it's

On the back of me, you know what

it says?
Happy holidays from the

weinstein company.
Yeah, that holds up.

I've aged about as well as Rudy
over there.

Who's Rudy.
Me, a Rudy giuliani ornament

from 2001.
I don't understand why I'm back

I'm America's mayor.

Did something change?
Yes, you see that fish, you

got to accept you're back of the
tree material now.

Don't be like Harry Potter, who
refuses to accept that.

Be quiet!
I look like I play Quidditch,

and nothing more!
You look like the cover of a

"Harry Potter" porno!
No, I don't.

And when they get me a new
broom, I'll be back on the

front, you'll see!
Potter's got the most

dangerous thing you can have
back here, hope.

That's right, fish.
You should give up, like Barb.

Barb, who's Barb?
Kill me!

Oh god, what is she?
Beats me.

Kids brought her home from
kindergarten, and said I made a

Christmas, and that's all we

Barb, what the hell are you?
Barb is dead.

You call me what I am.
You call me macaroni turd.

what is that?

That, my friend, is the

She's a destroyed ornament
kept for sentimental value.

She used to be the angel,
living large up on top of the

And then a light bulb melted off

her damn head.
She's never been the same since.

that's our theme song, learn

it well.

Macaroni friend can be your

Oh, god, I can't believe I'm
going to spend Christmas back

here with you people.
Get used to it, fish, you're

one of us now.
[ Slurring ]

How do you like them apples?
[ Applause ]

The oscars, the glitz, the

the host's old bad tweets,

Who will risk everything for the
chance to gain nothing?

Here are the auditions.
Tiffany haddish take one.

Should Tiffany haddish host
the oscars?

She's ready.
Take two.

Hi, guys, I love the
documentary about Eric Trump's

brain, the quiet place.
I believe opposite of any room

I'm in because of my voice you

Chris hemsworth.

Host the oscars?
Why would anyone want to look at

Anna gatsby.

Oscar host?
Who will break the tension?

I would love to but in the
middle of it, I quit hosting.

Too much tension.
Ronnie malick take one.

Maybe something fun and super
high energy.

[ Laughter ]
Does that work?

Michael strahan.

Okay, but let's talk about
the oscars.

The most famous person at
speeches is Meryl Streep.

But what happens when streep
makes a spech?

Does she take a pill?
Back to you, football.

Rachel brosnahan from "the
marvelous Mrs. Maisel."

Well, obviously, if I was

hosting I would probably do a
comedy bit, and of course I

would -- I would want the help
of my fearless creator

Amy sherman-palladino.

Yes, me and my hat will write it

Sarah silverman, take one.
I used to say a lot of

controversial stuff but I'm a
good girl now.

I just want everyone to get
along -- with my vagina.

Allison janney.

Yeah, I'll do it.
Meet my co-host, Tequila Jones!

I'm gonna be a good host.
Terry crews.

Terry crews gonna have a good
time hosting oscars!

Yes he will.
I can do this!

That's right.
You think Oscar's more jacked

than me?
Check this out!

Oh yeah.
Kanye west take one.

Controversy, bro.
You know what I'm saying?

I'm trying to stay way out of

Best actor?
Uh-uh, what about best human,

My Twitter's never been a

Scroll it.

I'm back!
Excuse me, roseanne!

Oh, relax.
It was Ambien.

Everybody's so sensitive.
I'm gonna host the oscars.

Matthew McConaughey.
First of all, here's what

I was talking to my hero, who's

me in ten years.
He said Matthew, you're gonna

host the academy awards.
What I didn't realize is I was

talking to myself in six years,
and what I was actually saying

was ten years ago, you're gonna
win an academy award.

So four years ago, my name was
in the envelope.

So now I don't know who I'm
talking to.

All right.
Ellen degeneres, take three.

Hi, I'men.
I'll host the oscars, sure.

I've never done anything
controversial in my life bs

except for being day.
But people like that now, except

for the guy who was supposed to

The 91st annual academy
awards, who will it be?

♪ The ancient yuletide Carol, fa
la, la, la, la, la, la ♪♪♪

Nice job.
Weren't these two magnificent?

Christmas year at the carnegie
lounge gets sweeter every year.

You know, we've been doing this
thing for over 84 years, all the

way back to 1933.
I'm sure you remember that, sir.

Now, folks, we got a special

This next act comes all the way

from Broadway downtown, the
Broadway scene that is.

Please give a warm carnegie
welcome to Diane gellerman and


Thank you.
This is so nice.

These people are nice, right,

Yeah, they're nice, but I
don't mind naughty sometimes

Sonny, can't turn him off,

I'll tell you what,

I love Christmas in New York.
Even when I was a little girl,

Santa never be anything,

I'm not sure why.
Maybe because you're Jewish,

Zip it, Sonny.

We still love the classic
Christmas Carols, right.

I bet you all know this one,
"jingle bells."

Go ahead, sing along.

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way, oh, what fun

it is to ride a one-horse open

jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way

dashing through the snow with a
one-horse open sleigh over the

field we go laughing all the way
hey, hey, hey, hey

oh, what fun it is to sing
sleighing song tonight ♪

Oh, god, Sonny.

I love the holidays.
I spend every Christmas the same

I get my nails done and I get in

a fight with my mother on the

Where's the grandkids?
What, the dogs aren't good

You should be happy, they have

jury genes.
They look just like you.

Who am I kidding, my kids look
just like my father.

Your dogs are drunks too?

♪ jingle bells, jingle all the

way, jingle all the way,
oh, what fun it is to ride in a

one-horse open sleigh ♪♪♪
I still don't see a lot of

singing out there.
You know what, let's slow it

♪ a day or two or so I'd thought

I'd take a ride
and soon my Sonny dear was

seated by my side ♪
♪ the horse was lean and lagged

his fortune seemed his lost ♪
♪ he got into a drifting bag and

then we got -- what did I say?
Is that a word?

Sonny, did you write that?
Sonny makes his own rules.

Sonny was my husband for a
couple of years.

We drifted apart.
I got much more foo my career.

And I got much more into a
busboy named Kevin.

Please, I have no idea what's

going on with his love life.
I thought he was day but he was

dating a cocktail waitress last

Sonny follows his heart.
Sonny, you know your heart is

the one above the belt buckle.

You can't turn him off.
People always ask us how we

can still be friends.
Oh, that's easy, we were

never friends in the first

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way

oh, what fun it is to ride in a
one-horse open sleigh ♪♪♪

Now we'll pick up the gas.
Sonny, can you bring it home?

Oh, you know me, Diane, I'll
bring anything home.

♪ Off we go through the snow
bells are ringing we will be

jingle bells, jing jangle,

jingle bells, jingle bells, jing

jingle bells
jingle bells all the way

on a one-horse open sleigh ♪♪♪
r thank you!

Merry Christmas!
I hope Santa brings you

something nice.
But I'll take something

naughty if you got it.
Oh, Sonny!

[ Applause ]

Ladies and gentlemen, Mark
Ronson and Miley Cyrus.

♪ This world can hurt you
it cuts you deep and

leaves a scar
things fall apart ♪

♪ but nothing breaks
like a heart

and nothing breaks
like a heart ♪

♪ I heard you on the phone
last night

we live and die by
pretty lies ♪

♪ you know it
oh we both know it

these silver bullet
cigarettes ♪

♪ this burning house
there's nothing left

it's smoking
we both know it ♪

♪ we got all night
to fall in love

but just like that
we fall apart ♪

♪ we're broken we're broken
mhmm well nothing nothing

nothing gon save us now
there's broken silence ♪

♪ by thunder crashing
in the dark

crash in the dark
and this broken record ♪

♪ spin endless circles
in the bar

spin 'round in the bar
this world can hurt you ♪

♪ it cuts you deep and
leaves a scar

things fall apart ♪
♪ but nothing breaks

like a heart
mhmm and nothing breaks

like a heart ♪
♪ we'll leave each other

cold as ice
and high and dry

the desert wind ♪
♪ is blowin' is blowin'

remember what you
said to me ♪

♪ we were drunk in love
in Tennessee

and I held it
we both know it ♪

♪ mhmm nothing nothing
nothing gon' save us now

nothing nothing
nothing gon' save us now ♪

♪ there's broken silence
by thunder crashing

in the dark
crash in the dark ♪

♪ and this broken record
spin endless circles

in the bar
spin 'round in the bar ♪

♪ this world can hurt you
it cuts you deep

and leaves a scar
things fall apart ♪

♪ but nothing breaks
like a heart

mhmm and nothing breaks
like a heart ♪

♪ nothing breaks
like a heart

mhmm and nothing breaks
like a heart m

♪ nothing nothing
nothing gon' save us now

nothing nothing
nothing gon' save us now ♪

♪ there's broken silence
by thunder crashing

in the dark
crash in the dark ♪

♪ and this broken record
spin endless circles

in the bar
spin 'round in the bar ♪

♪ this world can hurt you
it cuts you deep

and leaves a scar
things fall apart ♪

♪ but nothing breaks
like a heart

mhmm but nothing breaks
like a heart ♪

♪ but nothing breaks
like a heart

thank you.
[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you very much, everybody.
Thank you.

Thank you so much.

announcer: It's

"weekend update" with Colin jost
and Michael che.

[ Cheers and applause ]
Hi, everybody.

Welcome to "weekend update."
I'm Michael che.

And I'm Colin jost.
Well, this last week was a

pretty bad year for Donald

Think about what's currenting
under investigation for him.

Trump's campaign, his
transition, his inauguration,

his business, and his

So everyone check your cards,
because you might have

impeachment bingo.
In fact, Trump has reportedly

told people close to him that
he's worried he will get

And by people close to him I, of

course, mean Sean hannity and
colonel Sanders.

[ Laughter ]
This is a lot of legal

trouble for any president.
Mine, I'm not lawyer but neither

is Trump's lawyer.
This week Michael Cohen was

sentenced to three years in
prison and he claimed he only

committed his crimes out of a
blind loyalty to Trump but Cohen

was clearly a crook before he
met Donald Trump.

You know how I know?
He was hired by Donald Trump.

The only questions on a Trump
application are do you do

And wanna do more?

President Trump responded to
Michael Cohen's sentencing by

tweeting -- I never directed
Michael Cohen to break the law.

That's my Trump.
[ Laughter ]

He was a lawyer and he is
supposed to know the law.

Fair, but you know who else is
supposed to know the law?

The frigging president of the
United States!

[ Cheers and applause ]
I can't get past that.

I mean, the pope should know the

Santa should know the meaning of

The president should know the

Dude, we're paying you money for

Am I bugging?
Am I crazy?

Not because of this.
A committee in New York is

investigating whether president
Trump misused the $107 they

raised for the inaugural event,
which I assume they blew on

I mean he's the president.

He's got to know the law.
Doctors know medicine.

Araby's know he meat.
If I tell you I'm an astronaut

and you ask me about the moon,
and I say the moon?

It's been confirmed that Trump
was in the room with Michael

Cohen and the publisher of the
"national enquirer" when they

discussed covering up Trump's
alleged affairs.

Which aalleged affairs is a
dignified way to say raw dog and

porn stars.
[ Laughter ]

President Trump also held a
contentious budget meeting at

the White House this week with
Nancy pelosi and Chuck schumer.

If you missed it, just go to a
Denny's and watch three

grandparents fight over the

After the meeting schumer said
that Trump, quote, lives in a

cocoon of his own mistruth.
Dude, just call him a liar.

Democrats keep using this
flowery language.

They forget they're talking to a
country where most people share

their opinion through pictures
of fire or a dukie with

Former New Jersey governor

Chris christie has taken himself
out of the running to be the

performant White House chief of

Also taking Chris christie out
of the running, side cramps.

[ Laughter ]
A pew poll shows the

front-runner for the 2020
Democratic nomination is beto

Yeah, followed by Joe biden and

Bernie Sanders and then Oprah
and then Lena Dunham and then

the porno lawyer, and then a chi
latte in a pants suit.

And then a DVD boxed set of "a
west wing" and my personal

favorite, Barack Obama in a

[ Laughter ]

It's time for one of our
favorite segments here on

"weekend update" --
"where's Wes?"

Our travel correspondent
Wes Willard borrowed Santa's

sleigh, and it's up to your, our
viewers, to figure out where he

Be the first to guess correctly,

and you'll win a trip to that

By the way, you can play
along on Twitter by wearing the

hashtag #whereswes.
Or on the "where's Wes" app for

your smartphone.
Now it's time for the questions

even Santa's asking --
both: Where's Wes!

♪ He might be in Sri Lanka
or down in Mexico

it could be Copenhagen or
on the streets of Sao palo ♪

♪ so listen real close
for the hint

you can find Wes
wherever he is ♪

♪ everybody's asking
where's Wes ♪

I'm not telling!
Hi, Wes!

Hey, what's going on, Wes?
Hey, guys!

Merry Christmas!
Or as they say in Hawaii -- oh,

I say Hawaii!

♪ Where's Wes ♪
well, guys, you have your

first clue.
Good luck.

Good luck.
You really are dumb.

The CDC is warning people not to
eat raw cookie dough,

because it may contain germs
that cause severe diarrhea.

But on the bring side, you can
eat cookie dough without gaining

In and out.

It was reported that the boy
scouts of America are

considering filing for
bankruptcy in the face of

declining membership.
Yeah, apparently there's some

problem with their business
model of hoping parents will pay

adult strangers to take their
children deep into the woods.

[ Laughter ]
The occasion of sex

island -- terrible transition.
Didn't know that would be back

to back.
That's not a weird bash to get.

The location of sex island,
which is a four-day drug fueled

event featuring prostitutes at
an exclusive resort is vealed to

be an island off the coast of
Trinidad and Tobago, this

according to the plane ticket I
saw in che's hands.

See you there!
With the holidays coming up,

everyone can use a little cheer.
Here with "weekend update's"

good news report is every
boxer's girlfriend from every

movie about boxing ever, please
welcome angel.

[ Cheers and applause ]
Hi, Michael.

Thanks for having me.
Hi, angel, how are you?

You know, I'm doing the best
I can.

I'm hanging in there.
You have any big holidays

You know, Tommy's got a big

fight coming up on Christmas so
I guess the only thing he will

be getting from Santa is a

He's boxing on Christmas?
Not as far as I'm concerned.

Tommy can get his sleigh bells
rung all he wants but if he goes

to that fight, I'm taking the
kids to my sister's.

Okay, angel.
You hear me, Michael, the

kids, I'm taking them to my

All right, here's some good
holiday news.

Tyler Perry made headlines this
week when he paid off over

$400,000 in Walmart layaways.
Oh --

What's wrong with that?

What are you doing,
Tyler Perry?

You think you're some hero,
paying for people's Christmas

Well, my kids already got their

gronk jerseys.
What they need is their father.

So unless you're gonna be there
on Christmas morning to say

hello, then my big family
reunion will be missing a few

people, because I'm
taking the kids to my sister's.

That's where we will be on

Christmas, Michael.
At 343 Donnie wahlberg way.

Let's just change the

You'll like this.
"Creed ii" has made over

$100 million at the box office.
Did you get to see it?

Aw --
what did I say now?

If you think for a second I'm
taking my kids to see creed's

kids fight drago's kids and not
to my sister's kids and my

sister's, then you lost your
damn mind.

Because I'm taking the kids to
my sister's!

Come on, angel, everybody
loves another "rocky" movie.

Oh, yeah, how many more

Which one is enough?
Michael b. Jordan?

Nah, Michael be needing his
catheter changed three times a

Angel, it's just a movie.

I seen it!
Oh, Michael, it's just a

movie --
until it's your life.


Oh, my god!
Oh, my god!

Tommy, what are you doing here?
I can ask you the same thing.

You said you were taking the
kids to your sister's.

Yeah, yeah, well, I did.
And then I came here, to my job.

I'm doing the news now for
Michael che.

And it turns out I'm pretty good
at it.

Now you've been on "update," you

think you're better than me?
Yeah, Tommy, I do.

Look, I may have been born in
the back of the cheers bar, but

everyone knows my name, Tommy
ray Donovan, fighter and father

to Mikey, Mickey, peppens, keno
and the baby.

What do you mean?
You're pregnant, angel.

Oh, my god!
How does he know before you?

I love you so frigging much.
I love you so frigging much,

Now you go out there and punch

that man until you kill him!
All right?

I will.
All right, it's Christmas!

That's right.
Angel and Tommy, everybody!

We're naming the kid gronk!
Even if it's a girl!

Firefighters in Texas saved
more than 100 snakes, including

pythons and boa constrictors
from a burning home, said the

homeowner, cool, so where is my

It was announced the
Broadway musical ""Avenue q"

about raunchy puppets will close
in the spring after 15 years.

But if you still want to see
raunchy puppets, just head to

Times Square and watch elmo kick
a pigeon.

A new study finds frogs are
calling females but another

study says, be shopping.
So we're doing something

different this year reading

The other person is going to
make the other person read a

joke on the air that he's never
seen before.

[ Laughter ]
Do you want me to go first?

Yes, I do.

A church in Massachusetts
created a nativity scene that

comments on the immigration
debate by placing the baby Jesus

in a cage.
Where he belongs.

[ Laughter ]
A new study shows the

average American touches their
mobile device more than 2,000

times a day.
Only 2,000 times, said my penis.

[ Laughter ]

Nigeria's president Mohammed
buhari denied for months he had

been replaced by a look-alike
from Sudan.

See, africans can't tell black
people --

[ laughter ]
A new report shows hurricane

Florence was the wettest
hurricane in history, the

previous for wetness was set on
the opening night of "magic

[ Laughter ]

This is on cards.
I want to switch it up a little.

Che didn't write this one.
This is all me.

I mean, we can laugh at it

That's our favorite story.
So good.

Can I get anyone a drink?
Real quick, hey, just so you

know, I just got to say thank
you so much for inviting us.

I know we just moved into the
neighborhood but it's nice to

have company around the

Yes, you all have been so

Don't mention it.
That's what neighbors are for.

You're welcome here any time.
Thank you so much.

Clears to our new neighbors.

Now we're talking.

Who put this on?
This song sounds familiar.

Who is this again?
I don't negotiation it's on

You haven't heard this yet?

It's weezer's cover of "."
It's good, right?

I didn't know they were still a

Where the hell have you been,

They just set a release date for

the freaking "black" album.
I mean, they're playing new

year's rocking Eve.
Come on, weezer!

Oh, okay.

So you call yourself a weezer

Baby, please, it's Christmas.
No, no, no, I'm just asking

him a question.
Sounds like you're into that new

Damn straight.

I think they're doing some real
cool things right now.

♪ baby be cool ♪

I'm just getting
to know our neighbors.

So you claim to be a weezer fan
even though real weezer fans

know that they haven't had a
good album since "pinkerton."

In '96.

looks like we got a purist in
the house.

All right, I'm going to have fun
with this.

What's happening right now?
What's happening is that

weezer put out two perfect
albums, "blue" and "pinkerton,"

and the rest have been
pretty corny.

Well, that's your opinion,
but me, I'm ride or die.

For weezer?
They've been trash since

2001, son.
Well, if you think that, then

you ain't gonna like what I'm
about to say.

Then please don't say it.
"Pork and beans" is better

than "buddy Holly."

Oh, I'm sorry, dwrurm.
You're dumb.

Martin, tell him he's dumb!
Is this something people care

No, no, it isn't.

Wait, let me guess, you only
listened to the first two

Hey, man, I'll go all the way

I go all the way up to three

Oh, yes, of course.
You know what you sound like

right now?
You sound like "oh, hey I'm

stuck in 1994.
High school's awesome!"

Why don't you grow the hell up.
Listen to "raditude," listen to

"pacific daydreams."
You can't call "pacific

that's not music, man.

You know, no offense, but
burn in hell, all right?

You just don't understand what
rivers is going through right

[ Glass breaking ]

Rivers doesn't understand what

rivers is going through right

I know more about rivers than he
knows about himself!

All right, I'm gathering that
rivers might be a guy in weezer?

Look, can we all just agree
that weezer is the best band of

all time?


And then became the worst
band of all time!

Do you even listen to

You are a grown-ass man!
You bringing up stuff from

It was in "Jack as 3D."

Weezer died when Matt sharp

Weezer didn't start until
Scott shriner got there!

Oh, you tryin' to die.
Baby, calm down!

I won't testify this time.
Hey, you know what band I

always liked?
Yellow card.

You know, no offense, Tammy,
but drink my blood.

Is that a weezer reference?
No, no, that is a Todd

You know, I don't even know why

I came here tonight.
Yeah, neither do we.

No one technically invited

Oh, can it, dork.
Martha, no offense, your

neighbors suck and I'm glad
we're divorced.

But if you want to get back
together with me --

I don't.
But if you do want to get

back together with me, you know
where to find me.

Don't say it!
♪ living in Beverly Hills ♪

I actually like that song.

All right, another round for

I'm buying this time.
You got it.

Kelly's buying.
That's what I call a

Christmas miracle.
Just for that, make his

smaller than everybody else's.
His wife told me somebody

Good one, Paul.

At least I still have a wife
to go home to.

I bet Paul would settle for a
home at this point.

You aren't get any action
sleeping at your sister's house.

But I am!
You guys are breaking my

Come on now!

Reminds me, Paul, I got you a
little Christmas present here.

It's a gift certificate to that
new massage parlor downtown,

yeah, for your lonely nights.
No, but really, it's a pretty

nice place.
It's a full spa.

They do really good massages,
facials, you now, hot stones.

I know we break balls a lot.
But you're a good guy.

You know what?
I can actually use this, thanks.

I hope you do.
Thanks, man.

Hey, Paul, merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.

Hey, Paul, I got you a little
something too.

Really, Carl?
Yeah, sure.

Headphones, hey, for what?
For when me and your sister

get a little too loud at night!

No, but seriously, I know
that can't be easy for you, man.

Mine, I'm having sex with your
little sister.

You're right there on the couch.
Those walls are paper thin.

You must hear everything.
I just mind my business.

It's cool.
No, it's not cool!

It's not cool at all!
And I know we break balls a lot.

Yeah, we break a lot of

We've been friends since the

I would hate to put a strain on

Says here they're
noise-canceling beats by dre.

You must have paid a lot of
dough for these.

Some of the boys gypped.
Yeah, some of us felt pretty

rotten about nailing her too.

That means a lot, captain.
I'm just happy she's with you

guys, and not some jerks.
Hey, merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.

Hey, is this a party or what?
Where are you going?

Do a round with us, Maureen
it's not like you have plans

on a Friday night!
It's a nice night, Paul.

I figured I'd go let your mother
out for a walk.

You know what, Maureen, I
think my mother would really

like that.
This fresh air could really do

her good.
Yeah, I think so too.

Merry Christmas, Paul.
Merry Christmas.

Hey, let's get those shots!
How do you like that, we're

getting shots from the worst
shot on the force!

Hey, you're the worst shot I
have ever seen, Connor!

Yeah, right!
Hey what about the time you

accidently shot my wife?
Who, Beverly?

I only had one wife and you shot

What a goof!

And who's the boss tonight.
Hey, look, Paul, I'm actually

glad you brought that up
because --

I haven't been sleep took good
since that all went down.

Hey, man, forget it.
You know, it's been months all


No, no, let me say this,

I shot your wife at your

And I guess I had a few too
many, and I messed up.

Big time.
Any one of us could have shot

his wife at their wedding.
Yeah, sure, but I did.

If I'm being honest, part of me
still feels like it's the reason

she left you that night.
I'm sorry, okay.

I'm truly sorry, man.
Wait, Connor.

Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, man.

Merry Christmas, Connor.
Merry Christmas.

Hey, Rhonda, put everything
on my tab.

They've already been using
your card.

It's 2 grand!
You guys breaking balls!

We do!

Once again, Mark Ronson and
Miley Cyrus.

[ Cheers and applause ]
♪ so this is Christmas

and what have you done
another year over

and a new one just begun ♪
♪ and so this is Christmas

I hope you have fun
the near and the dear ones

the old and the young ♪
♪ a very merry Christmas

and a happy new year
let's hope it's a good one

without any fear ♪
♪ and so this is Christmas

for weak and for strong
the rich and the poor ones

the world is so wrong ♪
♪ and so happy Christmas

for black and for white
for left and for right ones

let's stop all the fight ♪
♪ a very merry Christmas

and a happy new year
let's hope it's a good one

without any fear ♪
♪ and so this is Christmas

and what have you done
another year over

a new one just begun ♪
♪ and so happy Christmas

we hope you have fun
the near and the dear ones

the old and the young
♪ a very merry Christmas

and a happy new year
let's hope it's a good one

without any fear ♪
♪ war is over

if you want it
war is over now ♪♪♪

Merry Christmas, everybody!

Live from ten downing
street, it's prime minister

Theresa may.
Happy britain extravaganza.

Here she is fresh off a no
confidence vote from her own

party, Theresa may!
♪ happy Christmas happy

Christmas everything is fine ♪ ♪
everything is get ♪

♪ happy Christmas ♪♪♪
hello, my dears, I'm prime

minister Theresa may.
Oh, thank you and happy

Christmas, britain.
What a dreadful week it's been.

My brexit deal is falling apart,
I almost got voted out and no

one in the world likes me at

But it's still Christmas, so

let's try to have some cheer
tonight, shall we?

Oh, the sound of brick through
my window means it's time for my

first guest.
He's the man who called for the

brexit vote, and then when it
passed, he bounced and left me

to clean up this mess.
Thank you so much.

Please welcome former prime
minister David Cameron.

[ Laughter ]
Theresa, merry Christmas!

How are you?
You seem stressed?

Oh, you look well rested.

I've been on vacation.
It's so nice to get away.

You really must go.
Bit tied up at the moment.

Right, brexit!

I'm a naud.
How is it going?

Oh, a joy.
You should know what you

Make a dole.

Have you tried that?
We're working on it, thank

You know what's funny, people

hate me but they really hate
you, even though I did brexit.

Mine, you got to laugh.
You're right.

I will laugh.
[ Laughter ]

Is that laughing coming snout.
I don't think so.

I tried.
Well, let's open more

presents, shall we?
Here to bring them in is father

Christmas himself, sir Elton

Hello, madam prime minister!
And you can tell everybody it's

Christmas world!
Yes, queen!

We're not friends and I don't

like that!
Thank you, sir Elton.

Thank you so much and thank you
people of britain for sending

knees wonderful gifts.
I'm hoping for Christmas pudding

Shall we?

Oh, feces.

Let's try the next one.
Feces, okay.

Oh, and look at this!
That's a lovely copy of

"sense and sensibility."
Let us read the part where --

it's hollowed out and filled
with feces, right.

Thank you very much indeed.
I will throw these out I guess.

Well, it's time for my next

He's the one person in britain
more reviled than me.

Please welcome he who shall not
be named himself, lord

Theresa, wonderful seeing

Oh, stop it!

You know I still have no-nos.
File like we just get each

other, you know!
Oh, I'm sorry.

If you could maybe not lump us

I just can't have that be the
pull quote from this interview,

no offense.
Okay, I'm sorry.

Earn certainly want to bring
lord Voldemort bad PR.

It's okay.
[ Applause ]

Thank you to Mark Ronson,
melania mr, Miley Cyrus, Alec

Baldwin, Ben stiller and