Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 44, Episode 9 - Matt Damon/Mark Ronson and Miley Cyrus - full transcript
Matt Damon hosts, Mark Ronson and Miley Cyrus perform.
[ Bell tolling ]
Lord, please help Donald
Trump.
He's not a good man, but he is
in trouble.
Joseph, Jesus and Mary, help
Mr. Trump tonight.
He's a nightmare, but he's all I
got.
Please send a man to help me
tonight.
I would also like a watch, thank
you.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, I don't think I can do
this anymore.
I think I might actually eat a
salad and explode.
What seems to be the trouble,
Donald?
Who are you?
Stay back.
Relax, I mean you no harm.
My name is Clarence.
And I was sent here from heaven.
I heard you are in trouble.
Oh, it's awful.
Everything is falling apart.
Sometimes I wish I had never
been president.
A world where you were never
president, hey?
I think we can arrange that.
♪♪♪
Wow!
Everyone looks so different.
What are those things on their
faces?
Those are called smiles.
Oh, Mr. Trump, I just wanted
say merry Christmas.
It's President Trump, Sarah.
Oh, that's a good one!
Seriously though, thanks for
suggesting I go into PR.
I've made so much money working
for so many awesome companied
like
Facebook, Ashley Madison, the
romaine lettuce association and
time Warner cable, which is now
spectrum.
Anyway, merry Christmas, Donald.
Wait, Sarah isn't my press
secretary?
I told you, Donald.
You don't have a press
secretary.
Because you weren't elected
president.
Yeah, hello, Mr. Trump.
Kellyanne, my god, you look
incredible!
So healthy and vibrant.
And actually that's because
I'm actually no longer eaten
from within by lies.
And after we lost the campaign,
the devil gave me back my soul.
So --
excuse me, I have to go find my
husband, who I speak to now.
Wait, so Hillary is
president?
That's right.
In this reality, all she had to
do to win was visit Wisconsin
once.
Well, did they find her
e-mails?
They did.
They were all bed, bath and
beyond coupons.
Hello, father.
Oh, my sons, my boys, Don Jr.
and Eric.
Eric is that a rubik's cube?
And finito, haha.
That's italiano for finish.
What the hell is happening
with Eric?
Well, since Eric does not
run the entire Trump
organization, he was able to
attend adult education classes.
Merry Christmas, father.
Or as they say in Finnish, fell
-- feliz navidad.
Okay, but he's still pretty
dumb.
Donald, so nice to see you.
What's up?
Melania, why are you talking
like that?
Oh, well, after we got
divorced, I lost the accent.
They said being around you all
the time was hurting my language
skills.
Well, you're still smocking
hot!
Are you holding up okay?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I have a huge real estate empire
now.
You know, I figured if Donald
can do it, anyone can do it.
And I'm happily remarried to
papa John.
And who is this woman?
.
oh, don't you recognize her?
She's your new wife hernia.
Yeah, she was a suitcase girl
in the serbian version of "deal
or no deal."
It's called "potato or no
potato."
And I do this.
Jackpot.
I'll say.
I'm an angel.
But I ain't no angel.
You know what I'm saying?
Mr. Trump, merry Christmas!
Michael Cohen, shouldn't you
be in jail after you flipped on
me?
What?
I would never, ever flip on you.
You're my best friend.
And since it's Christmas, I just
want to say, you taught me
everything I know.
Come on, Michael.
No, it's true.
Every single thing I've done is
because you directed me to do
it.
And I hope everyone knows it.
We're a team like o.J. And kato,
or Lyle and Erik menendez.
Merry Christmas, Michael.
And I'll see you tomorrow at
the grand opening of Trump tower
Moscow!
♪♪♪
wait, what's that music?
Mike pence is deejaying.
Mike, Mike, is this what
you're doing now?
Oh, hell yeah, dog.
It's so great to be myself.
Thank god I was never your vice
president.
I would just be sitting in
meetings you with and pelosi and
schumer just staring out in
space imagining this.
[ Laughter ]
Wow.
So everyone is better off
without me being president.
Well, not just them.
You're better off too.
Oh, my god, Donald.
Your hair, it worked!
What is she talking about?
Well, this is a Muslim
immigrant from Syria.
She was allowed to come to
America.
And she discovered a permanent
solution for hair loss.
My god, it's all real.
If there's no Muslim ban, what
about a potential terrorist
attack?
Well, it was foiled by a team
of transgender Navy s.E.A.L.S.
All right, when is this party
getting started?
Whew!
Brett kavanaugh, how is the
supreme court?
Me on the supreme court?
With my temperament, are you
insane?
No, they went with that nerd
merrick garland.
But on the plus side when I tell
people I like beer, they find it
charming and not like I'm
threatening violence.
Plus, I have so much more time
now to hang
out with p.J. And squee and
needle dick Nick and no means
yes Nate.
Hey, I brought a little present
for you.
It's a calendar.
And every day is a different
beer.
Thank you, Brett.
Merry Christmas, everyone.
Let's do this!
But Clarence, what about my
agenda, all of the things I
wanted to accomplish as
president?
Well, that's the best part
about not being president.
You can still say the same
stuff, build a wall, bring back
coal.
But you don't have to deal with
the fact that all of your ideas
are impractical or insane.
So Americans love you.
Wow, this is all so great.
It's like Robert Mueller doesn't
exist.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, really?
Hello, Mr. Trump.
I have waited for this moment
for a long time.
Mr. Mueller, I've been
meaning to come and talk to you,
but, golf.
I have something for you.
Is it a subpoena or your
final report?
No, report?
No, no.
No, it's a picture of my
grandson.
Been spending so much more time
with him since I don't have to
investigate some idiot for
treason.
Wait, it sounds like you know
I used to be president.
I know everything.
Everything!
Wow, this night has put
everything into perspective.
I have had an epiphany.
I guess the world does need me
to be president after all.
Yeah, that was not the lesson
at all.
I want to be president again!
I want to be president again!
Listen, Donald, every time a
bell rings, someone you know
quits or goes to jail.
So I am president again!
It's a Christmas miracle!
No, not the lesson!
So merry Christmas, everyone!
And live from New York, it's
"Saturday night"!
"Saturday night"!
Announcer: It's
"Saturday night live"!
With --
Beck Bennett,
aidy Bryant,
Michael che,
Pete Davidson,
Mikey day,
Leslie Jones,
Colin jost,
Kate McKinnon,
Alex moffat,
Kyle mooney,
cecily strong,
kenan Thompson,
Melissa villasenor.
Featuring --
Heidi gardner,
ego nwodim,
Chris redd,
musical guest --
Mark Ronson and Miley Cyrus.
And your host --
Matt Damon.
♪♪♪
Ladies and gentlemen --
ladies and gentlemen --
Matt Damon.
♪♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you!
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
I am so excited to be here for
the "SNL" Christmas show.
Nothing beats Christmas in
New York.
Except Christmas in Boston.
Go sox!
This is actually my second time
hosting the show.
The first time was 16 years ago.
Yeah, that is five "Jason
bourne's" ago.
I hosted the premiere of the
28th season.
It was actually so long ago, it
was Fred armisen's first
episode.
And tonight is Beck's last
episode.
I'm sorry, say what?
I'm sorry, man, maybe they're
gonna tell you that later.
So much has happened in the last
16 years.
I got married.
I have four beautiful children.
I have been able to travel the
world and meet so many wonderful
people doing this job that I
love to do so much.
And if you told me that any of
this would have happened
16 years ago, well, I might have
believed you.
But if you told me Ben affleck
and would I have been washing
cars in summerville,
Massachusetts, I would have
believed that too.
I'm not actually here tonight
promoting anything,
I'm here.
Because I want to be.
I certainly didn't come all this
way to suck.
But if I do, at least my movie
won't suffer.
Because I don't have one coming
out.
So it really does mean a lot for
me to be here tonight.
This show's been such a huge
part of my life.
Growing up, my brother and I
would go to my dad's house every
other weekend.
And he told us if we could stay
up until 1:00 A.M., we could
watch "Saturday night live."
So week after week I tried to
stay up.
But it wasn't until I was
8 years old that I made it all
the way to the end.
And I probably didn't get all of
the jokes.
But I laughed at everything my
dad laughed at.
And although it was way past our
bedtime, my dad knew that there
was nothing more important in
the world than to laugh with the
people that you love.
So my father passed away a year
ago yesterday.
But tonight my big brother is in
Boston watching with his two
boys and all of my kids are
here, including my youngest, who
happens to be 8 years old.
So my wife and I told her that
yeah, she can stay up tonight
until 1:00 A.M.
and she can watch "Saturday
night live."
And she said, "who's hosting?"
And I said, "me, your dad.
Matt Damon."
And she said, "who's the musical
guest?"
Now because this is the last
"SNL" of the year, I just wanted
to propose a toast to everyone
out there watching.
Here's to closing out the year,
and to an even brighter year
ahead.
But mostly, here's to all of the
moms and dads to let their kids
stay up too late for all of the
right reasons.
Cheers!
Now we've got a great show for
you tonight, Miley Cyrus and
Mark Ronson are here.
Stick around.
We'll be right back.
Welcome back to the 85th
annual westminster daddy show.
♪♪♪
well, it's christmastime, so
you know what that means.
I do, it's time for the daddy
show.
It is.
We are finally up to the best
in daddy show.
For anyone just joining us, this
is a dog show but for daddies.
Love that.
So today's show daddies will be
evaluated and scored on several
factors but there are a few
eligibility requirements.
It's like we say --
both: Any man can be a
father, but it takes a hot
middle-aged guy with a big job
to be a daddy.
Ooh, here comes our head
judge, Georgina malblanc.
What do you think she's looking
for from this year's pack of
daddies?
Our judges will be looking
for men over the age of 46, salt
and pepper temples, play money
to throw around and smug,
knowing smile that says I do sex
good.
Bring out the daddies.
And we're off.
Here comes the winner of the
sporting group, west palm golf
daddy.
Golf daddy is a consultant
who loves hanging out we daddy
which I'm told is short for
loves hanging out at the door.
.
oh, that's cute.
I love that.
Nice showing from golf daddy.
Here comes my personal
favorite.
Winner of the teach me, daddy,
group.
It's Berkeley tweedy daddy.
Oh, yes.
The tweedy daddy ought to have a
long, elegant gait.
And this one doesn't fade.
Notable traits of the breed
are biking to work and being
absolutely awful to waiters.
[ Laughter ]
Go ahead and bring him here.
Yes.
Tweedy daddy, come here.
And tweedy daddy right here.
Tweedy daddy up on here.
Tweedy daddy right there.
Tweedy daddy right there.
Here come tweedy daddy here.
Get up tweedy daddy on here.
About Thor you present the
argument, the better I would
respect it.
Another trait of the breed,
being an obstructionist a-hole.
Please, bring him here.
Please, debate me, coward.
That's a dq.
Tweedy daddy disqualified.
Georgina's not taking any of
that.
She never does, wink wink.
Stop.
Here's the next competitor,
always a crowd favorite.
From the working too much
group, wall street business
daddy.
I don't know when I'll be
there but I played for v.I.P.
Parking so I will be there in a
minute period.
Business daddies love the
text-to-speech texting.
Just an amazing business
acumen.
Now judge is manipulating the
billfold.
Yeah, she's feeling for the
give of cash and the firmness of
a very heavy credit card.
I got to say, this daddy
could get it.
It's not just about can this
daddy get it, it's about is this
daddy a champion?
That's right.
Because all of these daddies
could get it.
Obviously they can get it
because if they couldn't get it,
they wouldn't be here.
So true.
Okay.
Can I see the business daddy,
the golf daddy, and --
the announcer.
Wait, what?
I don't even have a handler!
You heard her, get down
there!
Oh, very exciting turn of
events.
Jerry is the pedigree broadcast
daddy!
Makes a little awkward sex joke,
and he looks great holding a
mic.
He could take this.
Okay, go around.
Wow.
Okay, this might be how she
wants them.
Third golf daddy, second
business daddy, first, broadcast
daddy!
Wow!
What a coup!
Jerry takes best in show!
I did it!
What an exciting daddy show.
Thanks for joining us.
I don't have a name.
Goodnight.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪♪
Okay, kids are finally
asleep.
All right, what is there left to
do?
Dishes?
Already done.
Oh, my god, you are an angel.
So did you have a merry
Christmas?
Are you kidding me?
That was the best Christmas
ever.
Really?
Babe, I had a smile on my
face from the moment I woke up.
Mom!
Oh, my god!
Where's daddy?
It's Christmas!
Oh, my god!
You're [ Bleep ] kidding me.
I think I was more excited
than the kids.
I know, I was the same way.
They liked their presents,
right?
Dana loves her playhouse.
You weren't up too late building
it, were you?
[ Crashing ]
This is [ Bleep ]!
[ Bleep ]!
No, it was a breeze.
My family didn't ruin your
day, did they?
No, I love that we hosted
this year.
Merry --
traffic was awful!
Three hours!
Whoa, you gained weight!
Are you sure?
Honestly, babe, they made my
day.
[ Kids yelling ]
[ Coughing ]
Hey, rach, is Cameron sick?
I can't believe your cousin
made the drive.
I know.
It was so nice to see him.
Yeah.
Why do I have to take it off?
Why?
Because it's my dinner table,
and they're my kids!
You're racist against whites!
You're racist against whites!
How about you, the hostess
with the mostest?
Taking care of everybody?
How do you do it?
I guess I was just full of
Christmas cheer.
[ Slurring ]
Well, I had a perfect day.
Me, too.
This is going to sound corny,
but I don't know if it was you
and the kids --
[ crying ]
You're not adopted.
She's not adopted.
Why would you call her that?
Or the family being here --
[ Flatulence ]
But I definitely felt some
Christmas magic today.
I absolutely love them!
Come on, guys.
Thank you, guys.
Thank you, guys.
Best Christmas ever?
♪♪♪
Best Christmas ever.
Mom!
He's in my room!
Get out!
I'll go in there.
[ Screaming ]
♪♪♪
There it is.
I love this one, drunk Santa.
This baby's going front and
center.
Oh come on, babe, drunk Santa
is tacky.
This is a classy tree.
Okay, sorry drunk Santa,
you've been sentenced to the
back of the tree.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, where
am I!
[ Talking over each other ]
Why am I back here with all
of you?
All of us losers?
The d-listers?
Face it, fish, you're one of us!
The ornaments that are only seen
by the wall.
[ Laughter ]
I'm your peer now.
Take a good look at me!
I'm a souvenir from your trip to
Cleveland.
You heard that right, Cleveland.
And being some Cleveland, I was
clearly bought at a airport.
I'm nude head to toe and now I'm
here with yous.
So I'm back here with the
freaks, and the fugly, and now
you are too.
No, no, no, but I'm funny.
You all hear that, he's
funny!
[ Laughter ]
Fool, you're tacky, and tacky
goes in backy!
But I was in front of the
tree once.
So was I, fish, 20 years ago.
And for your consideration
promotional holiday themed "good
will hunting" ornament.
Yeah, cause that makes sense.
"Good will hunting" screams
Christmas.
And get this, I can talk too.
You want to hear what I sound
like with 20-year-old batteries?
[ Slurring ]
How do you like them apples?
Oh, no, I don't like them at
all!
What, you don't think it's
fair?
On the back of me, you know what
it says?
Happy holidays from the
weinstein company.
Yeah, that holds up.
I've aged about as well as Rudy
over there.
Who's Rudy.
Me, a Rudy giuliani ornament
from 2001.
I don't understand why I'm back
here.
I'm America's mayor.
Did something change?
Yes, you see that fish, you
got to accept you're back of the
tree material now.
Don't be like Harry Potter, who
refuses to accept that.
Be quiet!
I look like I play Quidditch,
and nothing more!
You look like the cover of a
"Harry Potter" porno!
No, I don't.
And when they get me a new
broom, I'll be back on the
front, you'll see!
Potter's got the most
dangerous thing you can have
back here, hope.
That's right, fish.
You should give up, like Barb.
Barb, who's Barb?
Kill me!
Oh god, what is she?
Beats me.
Kids brought her home from
kindergarten, and said I made a
Christmas, and that's all we
know.
Barb, what the hell are you?
Barb is dead.
You call me what I am.
You call me macaroni turd.
♪♪♪
what is that?
That, my friend, is the
angel.
She's a destroyed ornament
kept for sentimental value.
She used to be the angel,
living large up on top of the
tree.
And then a light bulb melted off
her damn head.
She's never been the same since.
♪♪♪
that's our theme song, learn
it well.
.
Macaroni friend can be your
friend.
Oh, god, I can't believe I'm
going to spend Christmas back
here with you people.
Get used to it, fish, you're
one of us now.
[ Slurring ]
How do you like them apples?
[ Applause ]
The oscars, the glitz, the
glamour,
the host's old bad tweets,
whoopsies.
Who will risk everything for the
chance to gain nothing?
Here are the auditions.
Tiffany haddish take one.
Should Tiffany haddish host
the oscars?
She's ready.
Take two.
Hi, guys, I love the
documentary about Eric Trump's
brain, the quiet place.
I believe opposite of any room
I'm in because of my voice you
got.
Chris hemsworth.
Hey.
Host the oscars?
Why would anyone want to look at
me.
Anna gatsby.
Oscar host?
Who will break the tension?
I would love to but in the
middle of it, I quit hosting.
Too much tension.
Ronnie malick take one.
Maybe something fun and super
high energy.
[ Laughter ]
Does that work?
Michael strahan.
.
Okay, but let's talk about
the oscars.
The most famous person at
speeches is Meryl Streep.
But what happens when streep
makes a spech?
Does she take a pill?
Back to you, football.
Rachel brosnahan from "the
marvelous Mrs. Maisel."
Host?
Well, obviously, if I was
hosting I would probably do a
comedy bit, and of course I
would -- I would want the help
of my fearless creator
Amy sherman-palladino.
Hello!
Yes, me and my hat will write it
all.
Sarah silverman, take one.
I used to say a lot of
controversial stuff but I'm a
good girl now.
I just want everyone to get
along -- with my vagina.
Allison janney.
Host?
Yeah, I'll do it.
Meet my co-host, Tequila Jones!
I'm gonna be a good host.
Terry crews.
Terry crews gonna have a good
time hosting oscars!
Yes he will.
I can do this!
That's right.
You think Oscar's more jacked
than me?
Check this out!
Oh yeah.
Kanye west take one.
Controversy, bro.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm trying to stay way out of
it.
Best actor?
Uh-uh, what about best human,
bro?
My Twitter's never been a
problem.
Scroll it.
I'm back!
Excuse me, roseanne!
Oh, relax.
It was Ambien.
Everybody's so sensitive.
I'm gonna host the oscars.
Matthew McConaughey.
First of all, here's what
happened.
I was talking to my hero, who's
me in ten years.
He said Matthew, you're gonna
host the academy awards.
What I didn't realize is I was
talking to myself in six years,
and what I was actually saying
was ten years ago, you're gonna
win an academy award.
So four years ago, my name was
in the envelope.
So now I don't know who I'm
talking to.
All right.
Ellen degeneres, take three.
Hi, I'men.
I'll host the oscars, sure.
I've never done anything
controversial in my life bs
except for being day.
But people like that now, except
for the guy who was supposed to
host.
The 91st annual academy
awards, who will it be?
♪ The ancient yuletide Carol, fa
la, la, la, la, la, la ♪♪♪
Nice job.
Weren't these two magnificent?
Christmas year at the carnegie
lounge gets sweeter every year.
You know, we've been doing this
thing for over 84 years, all the
way back to 1933.
I'm sure you remember that, sir.
Uh-huh.
Now, folks, we got a special
treat.
This next act comes all the way
from Broadway downtown, the
Broadway scene that is.
Please give a warm carnegie
welcome to Diane gellerman and
Sonny.
[Applause]
Thank you.
This is so nice.
These people are nice, right,
Sonny?
Yeah, they're nice, but I
don't mind naughty sometimes
either.
Sonny, can't turn him off,
folks.
I'll tell you what,
I love Christmas in New York.
Even when I was a little girl,
Santa never be anything,
nothing.
I'm not sure why.
Maybe because you're Jewish,
Diane?
Zip it, Sonny.
We still love the classic
Christmas Carols, right.
I bet you all know this one,
"jingle bells."
Right?
Go ahead, sing along.
♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way, oh, what fun
it is to ride a one-horse open
slay
jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way
dashing through the snow with a
one-horse open sleigh over the
field we go laughing all the way
hey, hey, hey, hey
oh, what fun it is to sing
sleighing song tonight ♪
Oh, god, Sonny.
>>.
I love the holidays.
I spend every Christmas the same
way.
I get my nails done and I get in
a fight with my mother on the
phone.
Where's the grandkids?
What, the dogs aren't good
enough?
You should be happy, they have
jury genes.
They look just like you.
Who am I kidding, my kids look
just like my father.
Your dogs are drunks too?
Funny!
♪♪♪
♪ jingle bells, jingle all the
way, jingle all the way,
oh, what fun it is to ride in a
one-horse open sleigh ♪♪♪
I still don't see a lot of
singing out there.
You know what, let's slow it
down.
♪ a day or two or so I'd thought
I'd take a ride
and soon my Sonny dear was
seated by my side ♪
♪ the horse was lean and lagged
his fortune seemed his lost ♪
♪ he got into a drifting bag and
then we got -- what did I say?
Is that a word?
Sonny, did you write that?
Sonny makes his own rules.
Sonny was my husband for a
couple of years.
We drifted apart.
I got much more foo my career.
And I got much more into a
busboy named Kevin.
Sonny!
Please, I have no idea what's
going on with his love life.
I thought he was day but he was
dating a cocktail waitress last
month.
Sonny follows his heart.
Sonny, you know your heart is
the one above the belt buckle.
Diane!
You can't turn him off.
People always ask us how we
can still be friends.
Oh, that's easy, we were
never friends in the first
place!
♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way
oh, what fun it is to ride in a
one-horse open sleigh ♪♪♪
Now we'll pick up the gas.
Sonny, can you bring it home?
Oh, you know me, Diane, I'll
bring anything home.
♪ Off we go through the snow
bells are ringing we will be
singing
jingle bells, jing jangle,
jingle bells, jingle bells, jing
jangle
jingle bells
jingle bells all the way
on a one-horse open sleigh ♪♪♪
r thank you!
Merry Christmas!
I hope Santa brings you
something nice.
But I'll take something
naughty if you got it.
Oh, Sonny!
[ Applause ]
Ladies and gentlemen, Mark
Ronson and Miley Cyrus.
♪ This world can hurt you
it cuts you deep and
leaves a scar
things fall apart ♪
♪ but nothing breaks
like a heart
and nothing breaks
like a heart ♪
♪ I heard you on the phone
last night
we live and die by
pretty lies ♪
♪ you know it
oh we both know it
these silver bullet
cigarettes ♪
♪ this burning house
there's nothing left
it's smoking
we both know it ♪
♪ we got all night
to fall in love
but just like that
we fall apart ♪
♪ we're broken we're broken
mhmm well nothing nothing
nothing gon save us now
there's broken silence ♪
♪ by thunder crashing
in the dark
crash in the dark
and this broken record ♪
♪ spin endless circles
in the bar
spin 'round in the bar
this world can hurt you ♪
♪ it cuts you deep and
leaves a scar
things fall apart ♪
♪ but nothing breaks
like a heart
mhmm and nothing breaks
like a heart ♪
♪ we'll leave each other
cold as ice
and high and dry
the desert wind ♪
♪ is blowin' is blowin'
remember what you
said to me ♪
♪ we were drunk in love
in Tennessee
and I held it
we both know it ♪
♪ mhmm nothing nothing
nothing gon' save us now
nothing nothing
nothing gon' save us now ♪
♪ there's broken silence
by thunder crashing
in the dark
crash in the dark ♪
♪ and this broken record
spin endless circles
in the bar
spin 'round in the bar ♪
♪ this world can hurt you
it cuts you deep
and leaves a scar
things fall apart ♪
♪ but nothing breaks
like a heart
mhmm and nothing breaks
like a heart ♪
♪ nothing breaks
like a heart
mhmm and nothing breaks
like a heart m
♪ nothing nothing
nothing gon' save us now
nothing nothing
nothing gon' save us now ♪
♪ there's broken silence
by thunder crashing
in the dark
crash in the dark ♪
♪ and this broken record
spin endless circles
in the bar
spin 'round in the bar ♪
♪ this world can hurt you
it cuts you deep
and leaves a scar
things fall apart ♪
♪ but nothing breaks
like a heart
mhmm but nothing breaks
like a heart ♪
♪ but nothing breaks
like a heart
thank you.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you very much, everybody.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
♪♪♪
announcer: It's
"weekend update" with Colin jost
and Michael che.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to "weekend update."
I'm Michael che.
And I'm Colin jost.
Well, this last week was a
pretty bad year for Donald
Trump.
Think about what's currenting
under investigation for him.
Trump's campaign, his
transition, his inauguration,
his business, and his
presidency.
So everyone check your cards,
because you might have
impeachment bingo.
In fact, Trump has reportedly
told people close to him that
he's worried he will get
impeached.
And by people close to him I, of
course, mean Sean hannity and
colonel Sanders.
[ Laughter ]
This is a lot of legal
trouble for any president.
Mine, I'm not lawyer but neither
is Trump's lawyer.
This week Michael Cohen was
sentenced to three years in
prison and he claimed he only
committed his crimes out of a
blind loyalty to Trump but Cohen
was clearly a crook before he
met Donald Trump.
You know how I know?
He was hired by Donald Trump.
The only questions on a Trump
application are do you do
crimes?
And wanna do more?
President Trump responded to
Michael Cohen's sentencing by
tweeting -- I never directed
Michael Cohen to break the law.
That's my Trump.
[ Laughter ]
He was a lawyer and he is
supposed to know the law.
Fair, but you know who else is
supposed to know the law?
The frigging president of the
United States!
[ Cheers and applause ]
I can't get past that.
I mean, the pope should know the
Bible.
Santa should know the meaning of
Christmas.
The president should know the
law.
Dude, we're paying you money for
this.
Am I bugging?
Am I crazy?
Not because of this.
A committee in New York is
investigating whether president
Trump misused the $107 they
raised for the inaugural event,
which I assume they blew on
Photoshop.
I mean he's the president.
He's got to know the law.
Doctors know medicine.
Araby's know he meat.
If I tell you I'm an astronaut
and you ask me about the moon,
and I say the moon?
It's been confirmed that Trump
was in the room with Michael
Cohen and the publisher of the
"national enquirer" when they
discussed covering up Trump's
alleged affairs.
Which aalleged affairs is a
dignified way to say raw dog and
porn stars.
[ Laughter ]
President Trump also held a
contentious budget meeting at
the White House this week with
Nancy pelosi and Chuck schumer.
If you missed it, just go to a
Denny's and watch three
grandparents fight over the
check.
After the meeting schumer said
that Trump, quote, lives in a
cocoon of his own mistruth.
Dude, just call him a liar.
Democrats keep using this
flowery language.
They forget they're talking to a
country where most people share
their opinion through pictures
of fire or a dukie with
eyeballs.
Former New Jersey governor
Chris christie has taken himself
out of the running to be the
performant White House chief of
staff.
Also taking Chris christie out
of the running, side cramps.
[ Laughter ]
A pew poll shows the
front-runner for the 2020
Democratic nomination is beto
rorke.
Yeah, followed by Joe biden and
Bernie Sanders and then Oprah
and then Lena Dunham and then
the porno lawyer, and then a chi
latte in a pants suit.
And then a DVD boxed set of "a
west wing" and my personal
favorite, Barack Obama in a
mustache.
Mustache.
[ Laughter ]
It's time for one of our
favorite segments here on
"weekend update" --
"where's Wes?"
Our travel correspondent
Wes Willard borrowed Santa's
sleigh, and it's up to your, our
viewers, to figure out where he
went.
Be the first to guess correctly,
and you'll win a trip to that
destination.
By the way, you can play
along on Twitter by wearing the
hashtag #whereswes.
Or on the "where's Wes" app for
your smartphone.
Now it's time for the questions
even Santa's asking --
both: Where's Wes!
♪ He might be in Sri Lanka
or down in Mexico
it could be Copenhagen or
on the streets of Sao palo ♪
♪ so listen real close
for the hint
you can find Wes
wherever he is ♪
♪ everybody's asking
where's Wes ♪
I'm not telling!
Hi, Wes!
Hey, what's going on, Wes?
Hey, guys!
Merry Christmas!
Or as they say in Hawaii -- oh,
I say Hawaii!
Mother!
♪ Where's Wes ♪
well, guys, you have your
first clue.
Good luck.
Good luck.
You really are dumb.
The CDC is warning people not to
eat raw cookie dough,
because it may contain germs
that cause severe diarrhea.
But on the bring side, you can
eat cookie dough without gaining
weight.
In and out.
It was reported that the boy
scouts of America are
considering filing for
bankruptcy in the face of
declining membership.
Yeah, apparently there's some
problem with their business
model of hoping parents will pay
adult strangers to take their
children deep into the woods.
[ Laughter ]
The occasion of sex
island -- terrible transition.
Didn't know that would be back
to back.
That's not a weird bash to get.
The location of sex island,
which is a four-day drug fueled
event featuring prostitutes at
an exclusive resort is vealed to
be an island off the coast of
Trinidad and Tobago, this
according to the plane ticket I
saw in che's hands.
See you there!
With the holidays coming up,
everyone can use a little cheer.
Here with "weekend update's"
good news report is every
boxer's girlfriend from every
movie about boxing ever, please
welcome angel.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hi, Michael.
Thanks for having me.
Hi, angel, how are you?
You know, I'm doing the best
I can.
I'm hanging in there.
You have any big holidays
plan?
You know, Tommy's got a big
fight coming up on Christmas so
I guess the only thing he will
be getting from Santa is a
concussion.
He's boxing on Christmas?
Not as far as I'm concerned.
Tommy can get his sleigh bells
rung all he wants but if he goes
to that fight, I'm taking the
kids to my sister's.
Okay, angel.
You hear me, Michael, the
kids, I'm taking them to my
sister's.
All right, here's some good
holiday news.
Tyler Perry made headlines this
week when he paid off over
$400,000 in Walmart layaways.
Oh --
what?
What's wrong with that?
What are you doing,
Tyler Perry?
You think you're some hero,
paying for people's Christmas
presents?
Well, my kids already got their
gronk jerseys.
What they need is their father.
So unless you're gonna be there
on Christmas morning to say
hello, then my big family
reunion will be missing a few
people, because I'm
taking the kids to my sister's.
Okay.
That's where we will be on
Christmas, Michael.
At 343 Donnie wahlberg way.
Let's just change the
subject.
You'll like this.
"Creed ii" has made over
$100 million at the box office.
Did you get to see it?
Aw --
what did I say now?
If you think for a second I'm
taking my kids to see creed's
kids fight drago's kids and not
to my sister's kids and my
sister's, then you lost your
damn mind.
Because I'm taking the kids to
my sister's!
Come on, angel, everybody
loves another "rocky" movie.
Oh, yeah, how many more
sequels?
Which one is enough?
Michael b. Jordan?
Nah, Michael be needing his
catheter changed three times a
week.
Angel, it's just a movie.
I seen it!
Oh, Michael, it's just a
movie --
until it's your life.
Angel!
Angel!
Oh, my god!
Oh, my god!
Tommy, what are you doing here?
I can ask you the same thing.
You said you were taking the
kids to your sister's.
Yeah, yeah, well, I did.
And then I came here, to my job.
I'm doing the news now for
Michael che.
And it turns out I'm pretty good
at it.
What?
Now you've been on "update," you
think you're better than me?
Yeah, Tommy, I do.
Look, I may have been born in
the back of the cheers bar, but
everyone knows my name, Tommy
ray Donovan, fighter and father
to Mikey, Mickey, peppens, keno
and the baby.
What do you mean?
You're pregnant, angel.
Oh, my god!
How does he know before you?
I love you so frigging much.
I love you so frigging much,
Tommy!
Now you go out there and punch
that man until you kill him!
All right?
I will.
All right, it's Christmas!
That's right.
Angel and Tommy, everybody!
We're naming the kid gronk!
Even if it's a girl!
Firefighters in Texas saved
more than 100 snakes, including
pythons and boa constrictors
from a burning home, said the
homeowner, cool, so where is my
wife?
It was announced the
Broadway musical ""Avenue q"
about raunchy puppets will close
in the spring after 15 years.
But if you still want to see
raunchy puppets, just head to
Times Square and watch elmo kick
a pigeon.
A new study finds frogs are
calling females but another
study says, be shopping.
So we're doing something
different this year reading
jokes.
The other person is going to
make the other person read a
joke on the air that he's never
seen before.
[ Laughter ]
Do you want me to go first?
Yes, I do.
Okay.
A church in Massachusetts
created a nativity scene that
comments on the immigration
debate by placing the baby Jesus
in a cage.
Where he belongs.
[ Laughter ]
A new study shows the
average American touches their
mobile device more than 2,000
times a day.
Only 2,000 times, said my penis.
[ Laughter ]
Okay.
Nigeria's president Mohammed
buhari denied for months he had
been replaced by a look-alike
from Sudan.
See, africans can't tell black
people --
[ laughter ]
A new report shows hurricane
Florence was the wettest
hurricane in history, the
previous for wetness was set on
the opening night of "magic
Mike."
[ Laughter ]
This is on cards.
I want to switch it up a little.
Che didn't write this one.
This is all me.
I mean, we can laugh at it
now.
That's our favorite story.
So good.
Can I get anyone a drink?
Real quick, hey, just so you
know, I just got to say thank
you so much for inviting us.
I know we just moved into the
neighborhood but it's nice to
have company around the
holidays.
Yes, you all have been so
welcoming.
Don't mention it.
That's what neighbors are for.
You're welcome here any time.
Thank you so much.
Clears to our new neighbors.
Cheers!
Cheers!
Now we're talking.
Who put this on?
This song sounds familiar.
Who is this again?
I don't negotiation it's on
shuffle.
You haven't heard this yet?
It's weezer's cover of "."
It's good, right?
Weezer?
I didn't know they were still a
band.
Where the hell have you been,
Rick?
They just set a release date for
the freaking "black" album.
I mean, they're playing new
year's rocking Eve.
Come on, weezer!
Oh, okay.
Ha.
So you call yourself a weezer
fan?
Baby, please, it's Christmas.
No, no, no, I'm just asking
him a question.
Sounds like you're into that new
stuff?
Damn straight.
I think they're doing some real
cool things right now.
Hmm.
♪ baby be cool ♪
I'm just getting
to know our neighbors.
So you claim to be a weezer fan
even though real weezer fans
know that they haven't had a
good album since "pinkerton."
In '96.
Uh-oh,
looks like we got a purist in
the house.
All right, I'm going to have fun
with this.
What's happening right now?
What's happening is that
weezer put out two perfect
albums, "blue" and "pinkerton,"
and the rest have been
pretty corny.
Well, that's your opinion,
but me, I'm ride or die.
For weezer?
They've been trash since
2001, son.
Well, if you think that, then
you ain't gonna like what I'm
about to say.
Then please don't say it.
"Pork and beans" is better
than "buddy Holly."
Oh!
Oh, I'm sorry, dwrurm.
You're dumb.
Martin, tell him he's dumb!
Is this something people care
about?
No, no, it isn't.
Wait, let me guess, you only
listened to the first two
records?
Hey, man, I'll go all the way
I go all the way up to three
now.
Oh, yes, of course.
You know what you sound like
right now?
You sound like "oh, hey I'm
stuck in 1994.
High school's awesome!"
Why don't you grow the hell up.
Listen to "raditude," listen to
"pacific daydreams."
You can't call "pacific
daydream."
that's not music, man.
You know, no offense, but
burn in hell, all right?
You just don't understand what
rivers is going through right
now.
[ Glass breaking ]
Bitch!
Rivers doesn't understand what
rivers is going through right
now!
I know more about rivers than he
knows about himself!
All right, I'm gathering that
rivers might be a guy in weezer?
Look, can we all just agree
that weezer is the best band of
all time?
Yes!
No!
No!
And then became the worst
band of all time!
Do you even listen to
"memories"?
You are a grown-ass man!
You bringing up stuff from
early?
It was in "Jack as 3D."
Weezer died when Matt sharp
left.
Weezer didn't start until
Scott shriner got there!
Oh, you tryin' to die.
Baby, calm down!
I won't testify this time.
Hey, you know what band I
always liked?
Yellow card.
You know, no offense, Tammy,
but drink my blood.
Is that a weezer reference?
No, no, that is a Todd
original.
You know, I don't even know why
I came here tonight.
Yeah, neither do we.
No one technically invited
you.
Oh, can it, dork.
Martha, no offense, your
neighbors suck and I'm glad
we're divorced.
But if you want to get back
together with me --
I don't.
But if you do want to get
back together with me, you know
where to find me.
Don't say it!
♪ living in Beverly Hills ♪
I actually like that song.
♪♪♪
All right, another round for
everybody.
I'm buying this time.
You got it.
Kelly's buying.
That's what I call a
Christmas miracle.
Just for that, make his
smaller than everybody else's.
His wife told me somebody
did.
Good one, Paul.
At least I still have a wife
to go home to.
I bet Paul would settle for a
home at this point.
You aren't get any action
sleeping at your sister's house.
But I am!
You guys are breaking my
balls.
Come on now!
Reminds me, Paul, I got you a
little Christmas present here.
It's a gift certificate to that
new massage parlor downtown,
yeah, for your lonely nights.
No, but really, it's a pretty
nice place.
It's a full spa.
They do really good massages,
facials, you now, hot stones.
I know we break balls a lot.
But you're a good guy.
You know what?
I can actually use this, thanks.
I hope you do.
Thanks, man.
Hey, Paul, merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Hey, Paul, I got you a little
something too.
Really, Carl?
Yeah, sure.
Headphones, hey, for what?
For when me and your sister
get a little too loud at night!
Oh!
No, but seriously, I know
that can't be easy for you, man.
Mine, I'm having sex with your
little sister.
You're right there on the couch.
Those walls are paper thin.
You must hear everything.
I just mind my business.
It's cool.
No, it's not cool!
It's not cool at all!
And I know we break balls a lot.
Yeah, we break a lot of
balls.
We've been friends since the
academy.
I would hate to put a strain on
that.
Says here they're
noise-canceling beats by dre.
You must have paid a lot of
dough for these.
Some of the boys gypped.
Yeah, some of us felt pretty
rotten about nailing her too.
Thanks.
That means a lot, captain.
I'm just happy she's with you
guys, and not some jerks.
Hey, merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Hey, is this a party or what?
Where are you going?
Do a round with us, Maureen
it's not like you have plans
on a Friday night!
It's a nice night, Paul.
I figured I'd go let your mother
out for a walk.
You know what, Maureen, I
think my mother would really
like that.
This fresh air could really do
her good.
Yeah, I think so too.
Merry Christmas, Paul.
Merry Christmas.
Hey, let's get those shots!
How do you like that, we're
getting shots from the worst
shot on the force!
Hey, you're the worst shot I
have ever seen, Connor!
Yeah, right!
Hey what about the time you
accidently shot my wife?
Who, Beverly?
Yes!
I only had one wife and you shot
her.
What a goof!
And who's the boss tonight.
Hey, look, Paul, I'm actually
glad you brought that up
because --
I haven't been sleep took good
since that all went down.
Hey, man, forget it.
You know, it's been months all
right.
.
No, no, let me say this,
Paul.
I shot your wife at your
wedding.
And I guess I had a few too
many, and I messed up.
Big time.
Any one of us could have shot
his wife at their wedding.
Yeah, sure, but I did.
If I'm being honest, part of me
still feels like it's the reason
she left you that night.
I'm sorry, okay.
I'm truly sorry, man.
Wait, Connor.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, man.
Merry Christmas, Connor.
Merry Christmas.
Hey, Rhonda, put everything
on my tab.
They've already been using
your card.
It's 2 grand!
You guys breaking balls!
Yeah!
We do!
Once again, Mark Ronson and
Miley Cyrus.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪ so this is Christmas
and what have you done
another year over
and a new one just begun ♪
♪ and so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
the near and the dear ones
the old and the young ♪
♪ a very merry Christmas
and a happy new year
let's hope it's a good one
without any fear ♪
♪ and so this is Christmas
for weak and for strong
the rich and the poor ones
the world is so wrong ♪
♪ and so happy Christmas
for black and for white
for left and for right ones
let's stop all the fight ♪
♪ a very merry Christmas
and a happy new year
let's hope it's a good one
without any fear ♪
♪ and so this is Christmas
and what have you done
another year over
a new one just begun ♪
♪ and so happy Christmas
we hope you have fun
the near and the dear ones
the old and the young
♪ a very merry Christmas
and a happy new year
let's hope it's a good one
without any fear ♪
♪ war is over
if you want it
war is over now ♪♪♪
Merry Christmas, everybody!
Live from ten downing
street, it's prime minister
Theresa may.
Happy britain extravaganza.
Here she is fresh off a no
confidence vote from her own
party, Theresa may!
♪ happy Christmas happy
Christmas everything is fine ♪ ♪
everything is get ♪
♪ happy Christmas ♪♪♪
hello, my dears, I'm prime
minister Theresa may.
Oh, thank you and happy
Christmas, britain.
What a dreadful week it's been.
My brexit deal is falling apart,
I almost got voted out and no
one in the world likes me at
all.
Yes.
But it's still Christmas, so
let's try to have some cheer
tonight, shall we?
Oh, the sound of brick through
my window means it's time for my
first guest.
He's the man who called for the
brexit vote, and then when it
passed, he bounced and left me
to clean up this mess.
Thank you so much.
Please welcome former prime
minister David Cameron.
[ Laughter ]
Theresa, merry Christmas!
How are you?
You seem stressed?
Me?
Oh, you look well rested.
I've been on vacation.
It's so nice to get away.
You really must go.
Bit tied up at the moment.
Right, brexit!
Yes.
I'm a naud.
How is it going?
Oh, a joy.
You should know what you
should?
Make a dole.
Have you tried that?
We're working on it, thank
you.
You know what's funny, people
hate me but they really hate
you, even though I did brexit.
Mine, you got to laugh.
You're right.
I will laugh.
[ Laughter ]
Is that laughing coming snout.
I don't think so.
I tried.
Well, let's open more
presents, shall we?
Here to bring them in is father
Christmas himself, sir Elton
John.
Hello, madam prime minister!
And you can tell everybody it's
Christmas world!
Yes, queen!
No!
We're not friends and I don't
like that!
Thank you, sir Elton.
Thank you so much and thank you
people of britain for sending
knees wonderful gifts.
I'm hoping for Christmas pudding
myself.
Shall we?
Oh, feces.
Okay.
Let's try the next one.
Feces, okay.
Oh, and look at this!
That's a lovely copy of
"sense and sensibility."
Let us read the part where --
it's hollowed out and filled
with feces, right.
Thank you very much indeed.
I will throw these out I guess.
Well, it's time for my next
guest.
He's the one person in britain
more reviled than me.
Please welcome he who shall not
be named himself, lord
Voldemort!
Theresa, wonderful seeing
you.
Oh, stop it!
You know I still have no-nos.
File like we just get each
other, you know!
Oh, I'm sorry.
If you could maybe not lump us
together.
I just can't have that be the
pull quote from this interview,
no offense.
Okay, I'm sorry.
Earn certainly want to bring
lord Voldemort bad PR.
It's okay.
[ Applause ]
Thank you to Mark Ronson,
melania mr, Miley Cyrus, Alec
Baldwin, Ben stiller and
everybody!
Lord, please help Donald
Trump.
He's not a good man, but he is
in trouble.
Joseph, Jesus and Mary, help
Mr. Trump tonight.
He's a nightmare, but he's all I
got.
Please send a man to help me
tonight.
I would also like a watch, thank
you.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, I don't think I can do
this anymore.
I think I might actually eat a
salad and explode.
What seems to be the trouble,
Donald?
Who are you?
Stay back.
Relax, I mean you no harm.
My name is Clarence.
And I was sent here from heaven.
I heard you are in trouble.
Oh, it's awful.
Everything is falling apart.
Sometimes I wish I had never
been president.
A world where you were never
president, hey?
I think we can arrange that.
♪♪♪
Wow!
Everyone looks so different.
What are those things on their
faces?
Those are called smiles.
Oh, Mr. Trump, I just wanted
say merry Christmas.
It's President Trump, Sarah.
Oh, that's a good one!
Seriously though, thanks for
suggesting I go into PR.
I've made so much money working
for so many awesome companied
like
Facebook, Ashley Madison, the
romaine lettuce association and
time Warner cable, which is now
spectrum.
Anyway, merry Christmas, Donald.
Wait, Sarah isn't my press
secretary?
I told you, Donald.
You don't have a press
secretary.
Because you weren't elected
president.
Yeah, hello, Mr. Trump.
Kellyanne, my god, you look
incredible!
So healthy and vibrant.
And actually that's because
I'm actually no longer eaten
from within by lies.
And after we lost the campaign,
the devil gave me back my soul.
So --
excuse me, I have to go find my
husband, who I speak to now.
Wait, so Hillary is
president?
That's right.
In this reality, all she had to
do to win was visit Wisconsin
once.
Well, did they find her
e-mails?
They did.
They were all bed, bath and
beyond coupons.
Hello, father.
Oh, my sons, my boys, Don Jr.
and Eric.
Eric is that a rubik's cube?
And finito, haha.
That's italiano for finish.
What the hell is happening
with Eric?
Well, since Eric does not
run the entire Trump
organization, he was able to
attend adult education classes.
Merry Christmas, father.
Or as they say in Finnish, fell
-- feliz navidad.
Okay, but he's still pretty
dumb.
Donald, so nice to see you.
What's up?
Melania, why are you talking
like that?
Oh, well, after we got
divorced, I lost the accent.
They said being around you all
the time was hurting my language
skills.
Well, you're still smocking
hot!
Are you holding up okay?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I have a huge real estate empire
now.
You know, I figured if Donald
can do it, anyone can do it.
And I'm happily remarried to
papa John.
And who is this woman?
.
oh, don't you recognize her?
She's your new wife hernia.
Yeah, she was a suitcase girl
in the serbian version of "deal
or no deal."
It's called "potato or no
potato."
And I do this.
Jackpot.
I'll say.
I'm an angel.
But I ain't no angel.
You know what I'm saying?
Mr. Trump, merry Christmas!
Michael Cohen, shouldn't you
be in jail after you flipped on
me?
What?
I would never, ever flip on you.
You're my best friend.
And since it's Christmas, I just
want to say, you taught me
everything I know.
Come on, Michael.
No, it's true.
Every single thing I've done is
because you directed me to do
it.
And I hope everyone knows it.
We're a team like o.J. And kato,
or Lyle and Erik menendez.
Merry Christmas, Michael.
And I'll see you tomorrow at
the grand opening of Trump tower
Moscow!
♪♪♪
wait, what's that music?
Mike pence is deejaying.
Mike, Mike, is this what
you're doing now?
Oh, hell yeah, dog.
It's so great to be myself.
Thank god I was never your vice
president.
I would just be sitting in
meetings you with and pelosi and
schumer just staring out in
space imagining this.
[ Laughter ]
Wow.
So everyone is better off
without me being president.
Well, not just them.
You're better off too.
Oh, my god, Donald.
Your hair, it worked!
What is she talking about?
Well, this is a Muslim
immigrant from Syria.
She was allowed to come to
America.
And she discovered a permanent
solution for hair loss.
My god, it's all real.
If there's no Muslim ban, what
about a potential terrorist
attack?
Well, it was foiled by a team
of transgender Navy s.E.A.L.S.
All right, when is this party
getting started?
Whew!
Brett kavanaugh, how is the
supreme court?
Me on the supreme court?
With my temperament, are you
insane?
No, they went with that nerd
merrick garland.
But on the plus side when I tell
people I like beer, they find it
charming and not like I'm
threatening violence.
Plus, I have so much more time
now to hang
out with p.J. And squee and
needle dick Nick and no means
yes Nate.
Hey, I brought a little present
for you.
It's a calendar.
And every day is a different
beer.
Thank you, Brett.
Merry Christmas, everyone.
Let's do this!
But Clarence, what about my
agenda, all of the things I
wanted to accomplish as
president?
Well, that's the best part
about not being president.
You can still say the same
stuff, build a wall, bring back
coal.
But you don't have to deal with
the fact that all of your ideas
are impractical or insane.
So Americans love you.
Wow, this is all so great.
It's like Robert Mueller doesn't
exist.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, really?
Hello, Mr. Trump.
I have waited for this moment
for a long time.
Mr. Mueller, I've been
meaning to come and talk to you,
but, golf.
I have something for you.
Is it a subpoena or your
final report?
No, report?
No, no.
No, it's a picture of my
grandson.
Been spending so much more time
with him since I don't have to
investigate some idiot for
treason.
Wait, it sounds like you know
I used to be president.
I know everything.
Everything!
Wow, this night has put
everything into perspective.
I have had an epiphany.
I guess the world does need me
to be president after all.
Yeah, that was not the lesson
at all.
I want to be president again!
I want to be president again!
Listen, Donald, every time a
bell rings, someone you know
quits or goes to jail.
So I am president again!
It's a Christmas miracle!
No, not the lesson!
So merry Christmas, everyone!
And live from New York, it's
"Saturday night"!
"Saturday night"!
Announcer: It's
"Saturday night live"!
With --
Beck Bennett,
aidy Bryant,
Michael che,
Pete Davidson,
Mikey day,
Leslie Jones,
Colin jost,
Kate McKinnon,
Alex moffat,
Kyle mooney,
cecily strong,
kenan Thompson,
Melissa villasenor.
Featuring --
Heidi gardner,
ego nwodim,
Chris redd,
musical guest --
Mark Ronson and Miley Cyrus.
And your host --
Matt Damon.
♪♪♪
Ladies and gentlemen --
ladies and gentlemen --
Matt Damon.
♪♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you!
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
I am so excited to be here for
the "SNL" Christmas show.
Nothing beats Christmas in
New York.
Except Christmas in Boston.
Go sox!
This is actually my second time
hosting the show.
The first time was 16 years ago.
Yeah, that is five "Jason
bourne's" ago.
I hosted the premiere of the
28th season.
It was actually so long ago, it
was Fred armisen's first
episode.
And tonight is Beck's last
episode.
I'm sorry, say what?
I'm sorry, man, maybe they're
gonna tell you that later.
So much has happened in the last
16 years.
I got married.
I have four beautiful children.
I have been able to travel the
world and meet so many wonderful
people doing this job that I
love to do so much.
And if you told me that any of
this would have happened
16 years ago, well, I might have
believed you.
But if you told me Ben affleck
and would I have been washing
cars in summerville,
Massachusetts, I would have
believed that too.
I'm not actually here tonight
promoting anything,
I'm here.
Because I want to be.
I certainly didn't come all this
way to suck.
But if I do, at least my movie
won't suffer.
Because I don't have one coming
out.
So it really does mean a lot for
me to be here tonight.
This show's been such a huge
part of my life.
Growing up, my brother and I
would go to my dad's house every
other weekend.
And he told us if we could stay
up until 1:00 A.M., we could
watch "Saturday night live."
So week after week I tried to
stay up.
But it wasn't until I was
8 years old that I made it all
the way to the end.
And I probably didn't get all of
the jokes.
But I laughed at everything my
dad laughed at.
And although it was way past our
bedtime, my dad knew that there
was nothing more important in
the world than to laugh with the
people that you love.
So my father passed away a year
ago yesterday.
But tonight my big brother is in
Boston watching with his two
boys and all of my kids are
here, including my youngest, who
happens to be 8 years old.
So my wife and I told her that
yeah, she can stay up tonight
until 1:00 A.M.
and she can watch "Saturday
night live."
And she said, "who's hosting?"
And I said, "me, your dad.
Matt Damon."
And she said, "who's the musical
guest?"
Now because this is the last
"SNL" of the year, I just wanted
to propose a toast to everyone
out there watching.
Here's to closing out the year,
and to an even brighter year
ahead.
But mostly, here's to all of the
moms and dads to let their kids
stay up too late for all of the
right reasons.
Cheers!
Now we've got a great show for
you tonight, Miley Cyrus and
Mark Ronson are here.
Stick around.
We'll be right back.
Welcome back to the 85th
annual westminster daddy show.
♪♪♪
well, it's christmastime, so
you know what that means.
I do, it's time for the daddy
show.
It is.
We are finally up to the best
in daddy show.
For anyone just joining us, this
is a dog show but for daddies.
Love that.
So today's show daddies will be
evaluated and scored on several
factors but there are a few
eligibility requirements.
It's like we say --
both: Any man can be a
father, but it takes a hot
middle-aged guy with a big job
to be a daddy.
Ooh, here comes our head
judge, Georgina malblanc.
What do you think she's looking
for from this year's pack of
daddies?
Our judges will be looking
for men over the age of 46, salt
and pepper temples, play money
to throw around and smug,
knowing smile that says I do sex
good.
Bring out the daddies.
And we're off.
Here comes the winner of the
sporting group, west palm golf
daddy.
Golf daddy is a consultant
who loves hanging out we daddy
which I'm told is short for
loves hanging out at the door.
.
oh, that's cute.
I love that.
Nice showing from golf daddy.
Here comes my personal
favorite.
Winner of the teach me, daddy,
group.
It's Berkeley tweedy daddy.
Oh, yes.
The tweedy daddy ought to have a
long, elegant gait.
And this one doesn't fade.
Notable traits of the breed
are biking to work and being
absolutely awful to waiters.
[ Laughter ]
Go ahead and bring him here.
Yes.
Tweedy daddy, come here.
And tweedy daddy right here.
Tweedy daddy up on here.
Tweedy daddy right there.
Tweedy daddy right there.
Here come tweedy daddy here.
Get up tweedy daddy on here.
About Thor you present the
argument, the better I would
respect it.
Another trait of the breed,
being an obstructionist a-hole.
Please, bring him here.
Please, debate me, coward.
That's a dq.
Tweedy daddy disqualified.
Georgina's not taking any of
that.
She never does, wink wink.
Stop.
Here's the next competitor,
always a crowd favorite.
From the working too much
group, wall street business
daddy.
I don't know when I'll be
there but I played for v.I.P.
Parking so I will be there in a
minute period.
Business daddies love the
text-to-speech texting.
Just an amazing business
acumen.
Now judge is manipulating the
billfold.
Yeah, she's feeling for the
give of cash and the firmness of
a very heavy credit card.
I got to say, this daddy
could get it.
It's not just about can this
daddy get it, it's about is this
daddy a champion?
That's right.
Because all of these daddies
could get it.
Obviously they can get it
because if they couldn't get it,
they wouldn't be here.
So true.
Okay.
Can I see the business daddy,
the golf daddy, and --
the announcer.
Wait, what?
I don't even have a handler!
You heard her, get down
there!
Oh, very exciting turn of
events.
Jerry is the pedigree broadcast
daddy!
Makes a little awkward sex joke,
and he looks great holding a
mic.
He could take this.
Okay, go around.
Wow.
Okay, this might be how she
wants them.
Third golf daddy, second
business daddy, first, broadcast
daddy!
Wow!
What a coup!
Jerry takes best in show!
I did it!
What an exciting daddy show.
Thanks for joining us.
I don't have a name.
Goodnight.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪♪
Okay, kids are finally
asleep.
All right, what is there left to
do?
Dishes?
Already done.
Oh, my god, you are an angel.
So did you have a merry
Christmas?
Are you kidding me?
That was the best Christmas
ever.
Really?
Babe, I had a smile on my
face from the moment I woke up.
Mom!
Oh, my god!
Where's daddy?
It's Christmas!
Oh, my god!
You're [ Bleep ] kidding me.
I think I was more excited
than the kids.
I know, I was the same way.
They liked their presents,
right?
Dana loves her playhouse.
You weren't up too late building
it, were you?
[ Crashing ]
This is [ Bleep ]!
[ Bleep ]!
No, it was a breeze.
My family didn't ruin your
day, did they?
No, I love that we hosted
this year.
Merry --
traffic was awful!
Three hours!
Whoa, you gained weight!
Are you sure?
Honestly, babe, they made my
day.
[ Kids yelling ]
[ Coughing ]
Hey, rach, is Cameron sick?
I can't believe your cousin
made the drive.
I know.
It was so nice to see him.
Yeah.
Why do I have to take it off?
Why?
Because it's my dinner table,
and they're my kids!
You're racist against whites!
You're racist against whites!
How about you, the hostess
with the mostest?
Taking care of everybody?
How do you do it?
I guess I was just full of
Christmas cheer.
[ Slurring ]
Well, I had a perfect day.
Me, too.
This is going to sound corny,
but I don't know if it was you
and the kids --
[ crying ]
You're not adopted.
She's not adopted.
Why would you call her that?
Or the family being here --
[ Flatulence ]
But I definitely felt some
Christmas magic today.
I absolutely love them!
Come on, guys.
Thank you, guys.
Thank you, guys.
Best Christmas ever?
♪♪♪
Best Christmas ever.
Mom!
He's in my room!
Get out!
I'll go in there.
[ Screaming ]
♪♪♪
There it is.
I love this one, drunk Santa.
This baby's going front and
center.
Oh come on, babe, drunk Santa
is tacky.
This is a classy tree.
Okay, sorry drunk Santa,
you've been sentenced to the
back of the tree.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, where
am I!
[ Talking over each other ]
Why am I back here with all
of you?
All of us losers?
The d-listers?
Face it, fish, you're one of us!
The ornaments that are only seen
by the wall.
[ Laughter ]
I'm your peer now.
Take a good look at me!
I'm a souvenir from your trip to
Cleveland.
You heard that right, Cleveland.
And being some Cleveland, I was
clearly bought at a airport.
I'm nude head to toe and now I'm
here with yous.
So I'm back here with the
freaks, and the fugly, and now
you are too.
No, no, no, but I'm funny.
You all hear that, he's
funny!
[ Laughter ]
Fool, you're tacky, and tacky
goes in backy!
But I was in front of the
tree once.
So was I, fish, 20 years ago.
And for your consideration
promotional holiday themed "good
will hunting" ornament.
Yeah, cause that makes sense.
"Good will hunting" screams
Christmas.
And get this, I can talk too.
You want to hear what I sound
like with 20-year-old batteries?
[ Slurring ]
How do you like them apples?
Oh, no, I don't like them at
all!
What, you don't think it's
fair?
On the back of me, you know what
it says?
Happy holidays from the
weinstein company.
Yeah, that holds up.
I've aged about as well as Rudy
over there.
Who's Rudy.
Me, a Rudy giuliani ornament
from 2001.
I don't understand why I'm back
here.
I'm America's mayor.
Did something change?
Yes, you see that fish, you
got to accept you're back of the
tree material now.
Don't be like Harry Potter, who
refuses to accept that.
Be quiet!
I look like I play Quidditch,
and nothing more!
You look like the cover of a
"Harry Potter" porno!
No, I don't.
And when they get me a new
broom, I'll be back on the
front, you'll see!
Potter's got the most
dangerous thing you can have
back here, hope.
That's right, fish.
You should give up, like Barb.
Barb, who's Barb?
Kill me!
Oh god, what is she?
Beats me.
Kids brought her home from
kindergarten, and said I made a
Christmas, and that's all we
know.
Barb, what the hell are you?
Barb is dead.
You call me what I am.
You call me macaroni turd.
♪♪♪
what is that?
That, my friend, is the
angel.
She's a destroyed ornament
kept for sentimental value.
She used to be the angel,
living large up on top of the
tree.
And then a light bulb melted off
her damn head.
She's never been the same since.
♪♪♪
that's our theme song, learn
it well.
.
Macaroni friend can be your
friend.
Oh, god, I can't believe I'm
going to spend Christmas back
here with you people.
Get used to it, fish, you're
one of us now.
[ Slurring ]
How do you like them apples?
[ Applause ]
The oscars, the glitz, the
glamour,
the host's old bad tweets,
whoopsies.
Who will risk everything for the
chance to gain nothing?
Here are the auditions.
Tiffany haddish take one.
Should Tiffany haddish host
the oscars?
She's ready.
Take two.
Hi, guys, I love the
documentary about Eric Trump's
brain, the quiet place.
I believe opposite of any room
I'm in because of my voice you
got.
Chris hemsworth.
Hey.
Host the oscars?
Why would anyone want to look at
me.
Anna gatsby.
Oscar host?
Who will break the tension?
I would love to but in the
middle of it, I quit hosting.
Too much tension.
Ronnie malick take one.
Maybe something fun and super
high energy.
[ Laughter ]
Does that work?
Michael strahan.
.
Okay, but let's talk about
the oscars.
The most famous person at
speeches is Meryl Streep.
But what happens when streep
makes a spech?
Does she take a pill?
Back to you, football.
Rachel brosnahan from "the
marvelous Mrs. Maisel."
Host?
Well, obviously, if I was
hosting I would probably do a
comedy bit, and of course I
would -- I would want the help
of my fearless creator
Amy sherman-palladino.
Hello!
Yes, me and my hat will write it
all.
Sarah silverman, take one.
I used to say a lot of
controversial stuff but I'm a
good girl now.
I just want everyone to get
along -- with my vagina.
Allison janney.
Host?
Yeah, I'll do it.
Meet my co-host, Tequila Jones!
I'm gonna be a good host.
Terry crews.
Terry crews gonna have a good
time hosting oscars!
Yes he will.
I can do this!
That's right.
You think Oscar's more jacked
than me?
Check this out!
Oh yeah.
Kanye west take one.
Controversy, bro.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm trying to stay way out of
it.
Best actor?
Uh-uh, what about best human,
bro?
My Twitter's never been a
problem.
Scroll it.
I'm back!
Excuse me, roseanne!
Oh, relax.
It was Ambien.
Everybody's so sensitive.
I'm gonna host the oscars.
Matthew McConaughey.
First of all, here's what
happened.
I was talking to my hero, who's
me in ten years.
He said Matthew, you're gonna
host the academy awards.
What I didn't realize is I was
talking to myself in six years,
and what I was actually saying
was ten years ago, you're gonna
win an academy award.
So four years ago, my name was
in the envelope.
So now I don't know who I'm
talking to.
All right.
Ellen degeneres, take three.
Hi, I'men.
I'll host the oscars, sure.
I've never done anything
controversial in my life bs
except for being day.
But people like that now, except
for the guy who was supposed to
host.
The 91st annual academy
awards, who will it be?
♪ The ancient yuletide Carol, fa
la, la, la, la, la, la ♪♪♪
Nice job.
Weren't these two magnificent?
Christmas year at the carnegie
lounge gets sweeter every year.
You know, we've been doing this
thing for over 84 years, all the
way back to 1933.
I'm sure you remember that, sir.
Uh-huh.
Now, folks, we got a special
treat.
This next act comes all the way
from Broadway downtown, the
Broadway scene that is.
Please give a warm carnegie
welcome to Diane gellerman and
Sonny.
[Applause]
Thank you.
This is so nice.
These people are nice, right,
Sonny?
Yeah, they're nice, but I
don't mind naughty sometimes
either.
Sonny, can't turn him off,
folks.
I'll tell you what,
I love Christmas in New York.
Even when I was a little girl,
Santa never be anything,
nothing.
I'm not sure why.
Maybe because you're Jewish,
Diane?
Zip it, Sonny.
We still love the classic
Christmas Carols, right.
I bet you all know this one,
"jingle bells."
Right?
Go ahead, sing along.
♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way, oh, what fun
it is to ride a one-horse open
slay
jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way
dashing through the snow with a
one-horse open sleigh over the
field we go laughing all the way
hey, hey, hey, hey
oh, what fun it is to sing
sleighing song tonight ♪
Oh, god, Sonny.
>>.
I love the holidays.
I spend every Christmas the same
way.
I get my nails done and I get in
a fight with my mother on the
phone.
Where's the grandkids?
What, the dogs aren't good
enough?
You should be happy, they have
jury genes.
They look just like you.
Who am I kidding, my kids look
just like my father.
Your dogs are drunks too?
Funny!
♪♪♪
♪ jingle bells, jingle all the
way, jingle all the way,
oh, what fun it is to ride in a
one-horse open sleigh ♪♪♪
I still don't see a lot of
singing out there.
You know what, let's slow it
down.
♪ a day or two or so I'd thought
I'd take a ride
and soon my Sonny dear was
seated by my side ♪
♪ the horse was lean and lagged
his fortune seemed his lost ♪
♪ he got into a drifting bag and
then we got -- what did I say?
Is that a word?
Sonny, did you write that?
Sonny makes his own rules.
Sonny was my husband for a
couple of years.
We drifted apart.
I got much more foo my career.
And I got much more into a
busboy named Kevin.
Sonny!
Please, I have no idea what's
going on with his love life.
I thought he was day but he was
dating a cocktail waitress last
month.
Sonny follows his heart.
Sonny, you know your heart is
the one above the belt buckle.
Diane!
You can't turn him off.
People always ask us how we
can still be friends.
Oh, that's easy, we were
never friends in the first
place!
♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way
oh, what fun it is to ride in a
one-horse open sleigh ♪♪♪
Now we'll pick up the gas.
Sonny, can you bring it home?
Oh, you know me, Diane, I'll
bring anything home.
♪ Off we go through the snow
bells are ringing we will be
singing
jingle bells, jing jangle,
jingle bells, jingle bells, jing
jangle
jingle bells
jingle bells all the way
on a one-horse open sleigh ♪♪♪
r thank you!
Merry Christmas!
I hope Santa brings you
something nice.
But I'll take something
naughty if you got it.
Oh, Sonny!
[ Applause ]
Ladies and gentlemen, Mark
Ronson and Miley Cyrus.
♪ This world can hurt you
it cuts you deep and
leaves a scar
things fall apart ♪
♪ but nothing breaks
like a heart
and nothing breaks
like a heart ♪
♪ I heard you on the phone
last night
we live and die by
pretty lies ♪
♪ you know it
oh we both know it
these silver bullet
cigarettes ♪
♪ this burning house
there's nothing left
it's smoking
we both know it ♪
♪ we got all night
to fall in love
but just like that
we fall apart ♪
♪ we're broken we're broken
mhmm well nothing nothing
nothing gon save us now
there's broken silence ♪
♪ by thunder crashing
in the dark
crash in the dark
and this broken record ♪
♪ spin endless circles
in the bar
spin 'round in the bar
this world can hurt you ♪
♪ it cuts you deep and
leaves a scar
things fall apart ♪
♪ but nothing breaks
like a heart
mhmm and nothing breaks
like a heart ♪
♪ we'll leave each other
cold as ice
and high and dry
the desert wind ♪
♪ is blowin' is blowin'
remember what you
said to me ♪
♪ we were drunk in love
in Tennessee
and I held it
we both know it ♪
♪ mhmm nothing nothing
nothing gon' save us now
nothing nothing
nothing gon' save us now ♪
♪ there's broken silence
by thunder crashing
in the dark
crash in the dark ♪
♪ and this broken record
spin endless circles
in the bar
spin 'round in the bar ♪
♪ this world can hurt you
it cuts you deep
and leaves a scar
things fall apart ♪
♪ but nothing breaks
like a heart
mhmm and nothing breaks
like a heart ♪
♪ nothing breaks
like a heart
mhmm and nothing breaks
like a heart m
♪ nothing nothing
nothing gon' save us now
nothing nothing
nothing gon' save us now ♪
♪ there's broken silence
by thunder crashing
in the dark
crash in the dark ♪
♪ and this broken record
spin endless circles
in the bar
spin 'round in the bar ♪
♪ this world can hurt you
it cuts you deep
and leaves a scar
things fall apart ♪
♪ but nothing breaks
like a heart
mhmm but nothing breaks
like a heart ♪
♪ but nothing breaks
like a heart
thank you.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you very much, everybody.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
♪♪♪
announcer: It's
"weekend update" with Colin jost
and Michael che.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to "weekend update."
I'm Michael che.
And I'm Colin jost.
Well, this last week was a
pretty bad year for Donald
Trump.
Think about what's currenting
under investigation for him.
Trump's campaign, his
transition, his inauguration,
his business, and his
presidency.
So everyone check your cards,
because you might have
impeachment bingo.
In fact, Trump has reportedly
told people close to him that
he's worried he will get
impeached.
And by people close to him I, of
course, mean Sean hannity and
colonel Sanders.
[ Laughter ]
This is a lot of legal
trouble for any president.
Mine, I'm not lawyer but neither
is Trump's lawyer.
This week Michael Cohen was
sentenced to three years in
prison and he claimed he only
committed his crimes out of a
blind loyalty to Trump but Cohen
was clearly a crook before he
met Donald Trump.
You know how I know?
He was hired by Donald Trump.
The only questions on a Trump
application are do you do
crimes?
And wanna do more?
President Trump responded to
Michael Cohen's sentencing by
tweeting -- I never directed
Michael Cohen to break the law.
That's my Trump.
[ Laughter ]
He was a lawyer and he is
supposed to know the law.
Fair, but you know who else is
supposed to know the law?
The frigging president of the
United States!
[ Cheers and applause ]
I can't get past that.
I mean, the pope should know the
Bible.
Santa should know the meaning of
Christmas.
The president should know the
law.
Dude, we're paying you money for
this.
Am I bugging?
Am I crazy?
Not because of this.
A committee in New York is
investigating whether president
Trump misused the $107 they
raised for the inaugural event,
which I assume they blew on
Photoshop.
I mean he's the president.
He's got to know the law.
Doctors know medicine.
Araby's know he meat.
If I tell you I'm an astronaut
and you ask me about the moon,
and I say the moon?
It's been confirmed that Trump
was in the room with Michael
Cohen and the publisher of the
"national enquirer" when they
discussed covering up Trump's
alleged affairs.
Which aalleged affairs is a
dignified way to say raw dog and
porn stars.
[ Laughter ]
President Trump also held a
contentious budget meeting at
the White House this week with
Nancy pelosi and Chuck schumer.
If you missed it, just go to a
Denny's and watch three
grandparents fight over the
check.
After the meeting schumer said
that Trump, quote, lives in a
cocoon of his own mistruth.
Dude, just call him a liar.
Democrats keep using this
flowery language.
They forget they're talking to a
country where most people share
their opinion through pictures
of fire or a dukie with
eyeballs.
Former New Jersey governor
Chris christie has taken himself
out of the running to be the
performant White House chief of
staff.
Also taking Chris christie out
of the running, side cramps.
[ Laughter ]
A pew poll shows the
front-runner for the 2020
Democratic nomination is beto
rorke.
Yeah, followed by Joe biden and
Bernie Sanders and then Oprah
and then Lena Dunham and then
the porno lawyer, and then a chi
latte in a pants suit.
And then a DVD boxed set of "a
west wing" and my personal
favorite, Barack Obama in a
mustache.
Mustache.
[ Laughter ]
It's time for one of our
favorite segments here on
"weekend update" --
"where's Wes?"
Our travel correspondent
Wes Willard borrowed Santa's
sleigh, and it's up to your, our
viewers, to figure out where he
went.
Be the first to guess correctly,
and you'll win a trip to that
destination.
By the way, you can play
along on Twitter by wearing the
hashtag #whereswes.
Or on the "where's Wes" app for
your smartphone.
Now it's time for the questions
even Santa's asking --
both: Where's Wes!
♪ He might be in Sri Lanka
or down in Mexico
it could be Copenhagen or
on the streets of Sao palo ♪
♪ so listen real close
for the hint
you can find Wes
wherever he is ♪
♪ everybody's asking
where's Wes ♪
I'm not telling!
Hi, Wes!
Hey, what's going on, Wes?
Hey, guys!
Merry Christmas!
Or as they say in Hawaii -- oh,
I say Hawaii!
Mother!
♪ Where's Wes ♪
well, guys, you have your
first clue.
Good luck.
Good luck.
You really are dumb.
The CDC is warning people not to
eat raw cookie dough,
because it may contain germs
that cause severe diarrhea.
But on the bring side, you can
eat cookie dough without gaining
weight.
In and out.
It was reported that the boy
scouts of America are
considering filing for
bankruptcy in the face of
declining membership.
Yeah, apparently there's some
problem with their business
model of hoping parents will pay
adult strangers to take their
children deep into the woods.
[ Laughter ]
The occasion of sex
island -- terrible transition.
Didn't know that would be back
to back.
That's not a weird bash to get.
The location of sex island,
which is a four-day drug fueled
event featuring prostitutes at
an exclusive resort is vealed to
be an island off the coast of
Trinidad and Tobago, this
according to the plane ticket I
saw in che's hands.
See you there!
With the holidays coming up,
everyone can use a little cheer.
Here with "weekend update's"
good news report is every
boxer's girlfriend from every
movie about boxing ever, please
welcome angel.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hi, Michael.
Thanks for having me.
Hi, angel, how are you?
You know, I'm doing the best
I can.
I'm hanging in there.
You have any big holidays
plan?
You know, Tommy's got a big
fight coming up on Christmas so
I guess the only thing he will
be getting from Santa is a
concussion.
He's boxing on Christmas?
Not as far as I'm concerned.
Tommy can get his sleigh bells
rung all he wants but if he goes
to that fight, I'm taking the
kids to my sister's.
Okay, angel.
You hear me, Michael, the
kids, I'm taking them to my
sister's.
All right, here's some good
holiday news.
Tyler Perry made headlines this
week when he paid off over
$400,000 in Walmart layaways.
Oh --
what?
What's wrong with that?
What are you doing,
Tyler Perry?
You think you're some hero,
paying for people's Christmas
presents?
Well, my kids already got their
gronk jerseys.
What they need is their father.
So unless you're gonna be there
on Christmas morning to say
hello, then my big family
reunion will be missing a few
people, because I'm
taking the kids to my sister's.
Okay.
That's where we will be on
Christmas, Michael.
At 343 Donnie wahlberg way.
Let's just change the
subject.
You'll like this.
"Creed ii" has made over
$100 million at the box office.
Did you get to see it?
Aw --
what did I say now?
If you think for a second I'm
taking my kids to see creed's
kids fight drago's kids and not
to my sister's kids and my
sister's, then you lost your
damn mind.
Because I'm taking the kids to
my sister's!
Come on, angel, everybody
loves another "rocky" movie.
Oh, yeah, how many more
sequels?
Which one is enough?
Michael b. Jordan?
Nah, Michael be needing his
catheter changed three times a
week.
Angel, it's just a movie.
I seen it!
Oh, Michael, it's just a
movie --
until it's your life.
Angel!
Angel!
Oh, my god!
Oh, my god!
Tommy, what are you doing here?
I can ask you the same thing.
You said you were taking the
kids to your sister's.
Yeah, yeah, well, I did.
And then I came here, to my job.
I'm doing the news now for
Michael che.
And it turns out I'm pretty good
at it.
What?
Now you've been on "update," you
think you're better than me?
Yeah, Tommy, I do.
Look, I may have been born in
the back of the cheers bar, but
everyone knows my name, Tommy
ray Donovan, fighter and father
to Mikey, Mickey, peppens, keno
and the baby.
What do you mean?
You're pregnant, angel.
Oh, my god!
How does he know before you?
I love you so frigging much.
I love you so frigging much,
Tommy!
Now you go out there and punch
that man until you kill him!
All right?
I will.
All right, it's Christmas!
That's right.
Angel and Tommy, everybody!
We're naming the kid gronk!
Even if it's a girl!
Firefighters in Texas saved
more than 100 snakes, including
pythons and boa constrictors
from a burning home, said the
homeowner, cool, so where is my
wife?
It was announced the
Broadway musical ""Avenue q"
about raunchy puppets will close
in the spring after 15 years.
But if you still want to see
raunchy puppets, just head to
Times Square and watch elmo kick
a pigeon.
A new study finds frogs are
calling females but another
study says, be shopping.
So we're doing something
different this year reading
jokes.
The other person is going to
make the other person read a
joke on the air that he's never
seen before.
[ Laughter ]
Do you want me to go first?
Yes, I do.
Okay.
A church in Massachusetts
created a nativity scene that
comments on the immigration
debate by placing the baby Jesus
in a cage.
Where he belongs.
[ Laughter ]
A new study shows the
average American touches their
mobile device more than 2,000
times a day.
Only 2,000 times, said my penis.
[ Laughter ]
Okay.
Nigeria's president Mohammed
buhari denied for months he had
been replaced by a look-alike
from Sudan.
See, africans can't tell black
people --
[ laughter ]
A new report shows hurricane
Florence was the wettest
hurricane in history, the
previous for wetness was set on
the opening night of "magic
Mike."
[ Laughter ]
This is on cards.
I want to switch it up a little.
Che didn't write this one.
This is all me.
I mean, we can laugh at it
now.
That's our favorite story.
So good.
Can I get anyone a drink?
Real quick, hey, just so you
know, I just got to say thank
you so much for inviting us.
I know we just moved into the
neighborhood but it's nice to
have company around the
holidays.
Yes, you all have been so
welcoming.
Don't mention it.
That's what neighbors are for.
You're welcome here any time.
Thank you so much.
Clears to our new neighbors.
Cheers!
Cheers!
Now we're talking.
Who put this on?
This song sounds familiar.
Who is this again?
I don't negotiation it's on
shuffle.
You haven't heard this yet?
It's weezer's cover of "."
It's good, right?
Weezer?
I didn't know they were still a
band.
Where the hell have you been,
Rick?
They just set a release date for
the freaking "black" album.
I mean, they're playing new
year's rocking Eve.
Come on, weezer!
Oh, okay.
Ha.
So you call yourself a weezer
fan?
Baby, please, it's Christmas.
No, no, no, I'm just asking
him a question.
Sounds like you're into that new
stuff?
Damn straight.
I think they're doing some real
cool things right now.
Hmm.
♪ baby be cool ♪
I'm just getting
to know our neighbors.
So you claim to be a weezer fan
even though real weezer fans
know that they haven't had a
good album since "pinkerton."
In '96.
Uh-oh,
looks like we got a purist in
the house.
All right, I'm going to have fun
with this.
What's happening right now?
What's happening is that
weezer put out two perfect
albums, "blue" and "pinkerton,"
and the rest have been
pretty corny.
Well, that's your opinion,
but me, I'm ride or die.
For weezer?
They've been trash since
2001, son.
Well, if you think that, then
you ain't gonna like what I'm
about to say.
Then please don't say it.
"Pork and beans" is better
than "buddy Holly."
Oh!
Oh, I'm sorry, dwrurm.
You're dumb.
Martin, tell him he's dumb!
Is this something people care
about?
No, no, it isn't.
Wait, let me guess, you only
listened to the first two
records?
Hey, man, I'll go all the way
I go all the way up to three
now.
Oh, yes, of course.
You know what you sound like
right now?
You sound like "oh, hey I'm
stuck in 1994.
High school's awesome!"
Why don't you grow the hell up.
Listen to "raditude," listen to
"pacific daydreams."
You can't call "pacific
daydream."
that's not music, man.
You know, no offense, but
burn in hell, all right?
You just don't understand what
rivers is going through right
now.
[ Glass breaking ]
Bitch!
Rivers doesn't understand what
rivers is going through right
now!
I know more about rivers than he
knows about himself!
All right, I'm gathering that
rivers might be a guy in weezer?
Look, can we all just agree
that weezer is the best band of
all time?
Yes!
No!
No!
And then became the worst
band of all time!
Do you even listen to
"memories"?
You are a grown-ass man!
You bringing up stuff from
early?
It was in "Jack as 3D."
Weezer died when Matt sharp
left.
Weezer didn't start until
Scott shriner got there!
Oh, you tryin' to die.
Baby, calm down!
I won't testify this time.
Hey, you know what band I
always liked?
Yellow card.
You know, no offense, Tammy,
but drink my blood.
Is that a weezer reference?
No, no, that is a Todd
original.
You know, I don't even know why
I came here tonight.
Yeah, neither do we.
No one technically invited
you.
Oh, can it, dork.
Martha, no offense, your
neighbors suck and I'm glad
we're divorced.
But if you want to get back
together with me --
I don't.
But if you do want to get
back together with me, you know
where to find me.
Don't say it!
♪ living in Beverly Hills ♪
I actually like that song.
♪♪♪
All right, another round for
everybody.
I'm buying this time.
You got it.
Kelly's buying.
That's what I call a
Christmas miracle.
Just for that, make his
smaller than everybody else's.
His wife told me somebody
did.
Good one, Paul.
At least I still have a wife
to go home to.
I bet Paul would settle for a
home at this point.
You aren't get any action
sleeping at your sister's house.
But I am!
You guys are breaking my
balls.
Come on now!
Reminds me, Paul, I got you a
little Christmas present here.
It's a gift certificate to that
new massage parlor downtown,
yeah, for your lonely nights.
No, but really, it's a pretty
nice place.
It's a full spa.
They do really good massages,
facials, you now, hot stones.
I know we break balls a lot.
But you're a good guy.
You know what?
I can actually use this, thanks.
I hope you do.
Thanks, man.
Hey, Paul, merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Hey, Paul, I got you a little
something too.
Really, Carl?
Yeah, sure.
Headphones, hey, for what?
For when me and your sister
get a little too loud at night!
Oh!
No, but seriously, I know
that can't be easy for you, man.
Mine, I'm having sex with your
little sister.
You're right there on the couch.
Those walls are paper thin.
You must hear everything.
I just mind my business.
It's cool.
No, it's not cool!
It's not cool at all!
And I know we break balls a lot.
Yeah, we break a lot of
balls.
We've been friends since the
academy.
I would hate to put a strain on
that.
Says here they're
noise-canceling beats by dre.
You must have paid a lot of
dough for these.
Some of the boys gypped.
Yeah, some of us felt pretty
rotten about nailing her too.
Thanks.
That means a lot, captain.
I'm just happy she's with you
guys, and not some jerks.
Hey, merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Hey, is this a party or what?
Where are you going?
Do a round with us, Maureen
it's not like you have plans
on a Friday night!
It's a nice night, Paul.
I figured I'd go let your mother
out for a walk.
You know what, Maureen, I
think my mother would really
like that.
This fresh air could really do
her good.
Yeah, I think so too.
Merry Christmas, Paul.
Merry Christmas.
Hey, let's get those shots!
How do you like that, we're
getting shots from the worst
shot on the force!
Hey, you're the worst shot I
have ever seen, Connor!
Yeah, right!
Hey what about the time you
accidently shot my wife?
Who, Beverly?
Yes!
I only had one wife and you shot
her.
What a goof!
And who's the boss tonight.
Hey, look, Paul, I'm actually
glad you brought that up
because --
I haven't been sleep took good
since that all went down.
Hey, man, forget it.
You know, it's been months all
right.
.
No, no, let me say this,
Paul.
I shot your wife at your
wedding.
And I guess I had a few too
many, and I messed up.
Big time.
Any one of us could have shot
his wife at their wedding.
Yeah, sure, but I did.
If I'm being honest, part of me
still feels like it's the reason
she left you that night.
I'm sorry, okay.
I'm truly sorry, man.
Wait, Connor.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, man.
Merry Christmas, Connor.
Merry Christmas.
Hey, Rhonda, put everything
on my tab.
They've already been using
your card.
It's 2 grand!
You guys breaking balls!
Yeah!
We do!
Once again, Mark Ronson and
Miley Cyrus.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪ so this is Christmas
and what have you done
another year over
and a new one just begun ♪
♪ and so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
the near and the dear ones
the old and the young ♪
♪ a very merry Christmas
and a happy new year
let's hope it's a good one
without any fear ♪
♪ and so this is Christmas
for weak and for strong
the rich and the poor ones
the world is so wrong ♪
♪ and so happy Christmas
for black and for white
for left and for right ones
let's stop all the fight ♪
♪ a very merry Christmas
and a happy new year
let's hope it's a good one
without any fear ♪
♪ and so this is Christmas
and what have you done
another year over
a new one just begun ♪
♪ and so happy Christmas
we hope you have fun
the near and the dear ones
the old and the young
♪ a very merry Christmas
and a happy new year
let's hope it's a good one
without any fear ♪
♪ war is over
if you want it
war is over now ♪♪♪
Merry Christmas, everybody!
Live from ten downing
street, it's prime minister
Theresa may.
Happy britain extravaganza.
Here she is fresh off a no
confidence vote from her own
party, Theresa may!
♪ happy Christmas happy
Christmas everything is fine ♪ ♪
everything is get ♪
♪ happy Christmas ♪♪♪
hello, my dears, I'm prime
minister Theresa may.
Oh, thank you and happy
Christmas, britain.
What a dreadful week it's been.
My brexit deal is falling apart,
I almost got voted out and no
one in the world likes me at
all.
Yes.
But it's still Christmas, so
let's try to have some cheer
tonight, shall we?
Oh, the sound of brick through
my window means it's time for my
first guest.
He's the man who called for the
brexit vote, and then when it
passed, he bounced and left me
to clean up this mess.
Thank you so much.
Please welcome former prime
minister David Cameron.
[ Laughter ]
Theresa, merry Christmas!
How are you?
You seem stressed?
Me?
Oh, you look well rested.
I've been on vacation.
It's so nice to get away.
You really must go.
Bit tied up at the moment.
Right, brexit!
Yes.
I'm a naud.
How is it going?
Oh, a joy.
You should know what you
should?
Make a dole.
Have you tried that?
We're working on it, thank
you.
You know what's funny, people
hate me but they really hate
you, even though I did brexit.
Mine, you got to laugh.
You're right.
I will laugh.
[ Laughter ]
Is that laughing coming snout.
I don't think so.
I tried.
Well, let's open more
presents, shall we?
Here to bring them in is father
Christmas himself, sir Elton
John.
Hello, madam prime minister!
And you can tell everybody it's
Christmas world!
Yes, queen!
No!
We're not friends and I don't
like that!
Thank you, sir Elton.
Thank you so much and thank you
people of britain for sending
knees wonderful gifts.
I'm hoping for Christmas pudding
myself.
Shall we?
Oh, feces.
Okay.
Let's try the next one.
Feces, okay.
Oh, and look at this!
That's a lovely copy of
"sense and sensibility."
Let us read the part where --
it's hollowed out and filled
with feces, right.
Thank you very much indeed.
I will throw these out I guess.
Well, it's time for my next
guest.
He's the one person in britain
more reviled than me.
Please welcome he who shall not
be named himself, lord
Voldemort!
Theresa, wonderful seeing
you.
Oh, stop it!
You know I still have no-nos.
File like we just get each
other, you know!
Oh, I'm sorry.
If you could maybe not lump us
together.
I just can't have that be the
pull quote from this interview,
no offense.
Okay, I'm sorry.
Earn certainly want to bring
lord Voldemort bad PR.
It's okay.
[ Applause ]
Thank you to Mark Ronson,
melania mr, Miley Cyrus, Alec
Baldwin, Ben stiller and
everybody!