Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 44, Episode 8 - full transcript

Eric!
[ Cheers and applause ]

What are you doing awake?
It's past your bed time.

I'm scared.
I think there's a boogieman in

my closet.
Eric, there's no boogieman in

your closet.
Have you been watching the news

again?
Yeah.

You can't watch that stuff,
bud.

It's too grown-up.
They said they're going to

indict you.
Don't worry about that, pal,

but hey, I'm impressed you know
what indict means!

Yeah, indict, there's no
sugar in diet coke.



[ Laughter ]
Almost, but you'll get it.

Hey, how about a bedtime story?
Okay.

Oh, here we go, 'twas the
night before Christmas."

This is a classic.
Remember, if there's ever a word

you don't understand, bud, just
say stop.

Okay.

'Twas a --
'twas, that's the words it

and was put together, buddy.
It's a contraction.

Stop.
Okay.

Contraction is -- you know what,
let's just keep reading, okay?

'Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house, not a

creature was stirring, not even
a mouse.

You hear that, dad?
There's something in my closet.

But that's just the cheap
steel dad uses to build his



towers.
And it's blowing in the wind.

Look, buddy, nothing in the
closet.

[ Cheers and applause ]
See, no one's in your closet.

Robert Mueller's in there!
Eric, nobody likes a fibber.

Oops, okay, I'm sorry, bud.
This is my lawyer, I need to

take this.
Look, Eric, everything's going

to be fine, okay?
Love you, buddy.

Love you.
All right.

Hey, how bad is it?
Uh-huh, oh, god!

Uh-huh.
But can I flip on him?

Okay.
Night, Don.

Hi, Eric.
Don't be scared.

It's just me, Robert Mueller,
your dad's friend from work.

I'm not allowed to talk to
you.

That's fine, Eric.
It was pretty clear early on

that you don't know anything.
Nope.

I wish I could say the same
for some of your bad's friends.

Mr. Fan-a-fart.
Manafort.

Mr. Pop --
popolopodus.

Mr. Cohen?
You might want to start

calling him federal inmate
10358.

[ Laughter ]
Get it, Eric?

Nope.
Well, I'm glad you're

laughing but this is serious.
That depends on how much you

want to visit your family.
Oh, no.

That's -- that's not good.
But, hey, no one knows the full

story yet.
You saw what I put on.

It's all been heavily redacted.
Do you know what redacted is?

Uh-huh.
Like when my dad called Jeff

sessions mentally redacted.
Yeah, yeah, that was fun.

But, Eric, I just came here to
let you know, no matter what

happens, no matter what happens
America is going to be just

fine.
This is a country full of good

people.
Yeah.

Good people like my dad.
Let's put a pin in that.

Mr. Mueller, people say
you're the worst thing to ever

happen to my dad.
No, Eric, getting elected was

the worst thing that ever
happened to your dad.

And --
live from New York, it's

"Saturday night"!

Announcer: It's
"Saturday night live"!

With --

Featuring --

Musical guest --
mumford & sons.

And your host --

Jason momoa.

♪♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]

Aloha!
[ Speaking Hawaiian ]

Thank you very much, thank you
very much.

I'm so muscular to be hosting
"Saturday night live," huge!

It's such an honor to be on this
stage.

If you don't know, I have been
an "SNL" super nerd my entire

life.
And there was a time when I

actually wanted to quick acting,
I wanted to move to New York and

try to get cast on "SNL."
Unfortunately, I got sidetracked

by a massively successful
career, and I'm playing

"aquaman."
But now I'm here!

And I'm hosting.
I mean, this is probably one of

the greatest moments of my life,
right after having beautiful

kids and marrying my red hot
smoking wife, miss bonet.

Come on, Jase, pull it together.
If you cry, it will rain in

Hawaii.
You know what, if it's okay, I'm

just going to take a second,
savor this moment.

Eli, if you can play that song I
wrote.

♪ This is my moment
I'm taking it

this is my moment ♪
♪ I'm the strongest man

in the world ♪
Okay, great.

Thanks, bud.
This weekend has been amazing.

I was so nervous to meet the
cast.

And for some reason, they've
been asking me to do all these

weird little favors.
Hi, Jason!

Hi, aidy.
Would you mind opening this

jar while opening this jar while
looking at me directly in the

eyes?
Sure.

Oh, that's going to be I
think I love you, best day of my

life.
Thank you.

Bye-bye, aidy.
Oh, you guys are crazy.

Is this for a sketch?
I'll get to that.

Let me ask you something, does
"aquaman" have a theme song?

Not really.
There's music in the movie but

it's not really a theme.
Cool, cool.

We had an idea.
You ever heard of "aqua boogie"

by parliament?
Not really.

You know, like
George Clinton?

P-funk?
Nope.

From the 1978 album "motor
Booty affair."

Sorry, I never heard of it.
Together: What?

It's perfect for "aquaman."
Check this out.

♪ Aqua boogie baby
never learned to swim

underwater boogie baby ♪
Why should I hold my breath

feeling that I might choke ♪♪♪
Hold on, hold on.

What did you think of that,
man?

Well, I mean it's a cool
song.

Did you just say that never
learn how to swim?

Yep, I sure did.
Yeah, that's how the song

goes.
You can check out the lyrics if

you need to.
I mean so it's a song about

someone who can't swim?
Absolutely.

No doubt.
No doubt.

Absolutely.
Well, I'm aquaman.

And the whole thing is he can
swim really well.

Ah.
But it's about the feeling, man!

You got to give it a try.
You know what I'm saying?

Just read what's on the cue
card!

Come on, man.
Put that glass in, dog.

♪♪♪
♪ let's go out to disco

oppa do do
the motion picture's ♪

♪ underwater
aqua boogie baby

never learned to swim ♪
♪ underwater boogie baby

can't get the rhythm
of the stroke ♪

♪ aqua boogie baby
why should I hold my breath

underwater boogie baby ♪
♪ feeling that I might choke ♪

Aqua disco ♪♪♪
We got a great show for you

aqua disco ♪♪♪
We got a great show for you

tonight!
Mumford & sons is here.

Stick around, man, we'll be
right back.

During the Christmas season,
Santa sends an elf to every

child's home to see if they're
being naughty or nice.

All day they watch their child,
never blinking and never moving,

and each night they return to
the north pole to report back to

Santa.
Ho, ho, ho!

Welcome back elves on shelves!
I hope you've been good at

keeping an eye on your children.
Yes, Santa!

Wonderful.
Dottie, how has little Elizabeth

been this year?
She's been a very good girl,

Santa.
She's listening to her parents

and doing her chores.
Splendid!

And how is little Matthew,
deedle beep?

Well, he didn't want to eat
his vegetables at dinner.

Oh, no.
But then he did and he liked

them!
Hooray!

What about young Marshall,
scrabby?

I want a new kid, Santa.
But why?

You've been watching Marshall
for 13 years.

Things have changed this
year.

He figured out he could do a
certain thing with his body.

Now he won't stop doing it.
I hope he's not fighting with

his little brother.
That would be very naughty

indeed.
No.

It's definitely a solo activity.
And considering I can't close my

eyes, I had no choice but to sit
down and watch him do it.

And he does it a lot.
Hmm.

Well, is what he's doing naughty
or is it nice?

It's not really either,
Santa.

That's silly, scrabby.
All elves know that everything

humans do is either naughty or
nice.

It isn't so black and white,
deedle bee.

It's just a thing humans do, you
know, they go insane for a while

and they do it nonstop.
Please, Santa, could I have

another kid?
But Marshall loves you,

scrabby.
I know.

But sometimes he looks at me
when he's doing it, and I think

he's making me a part of it.
Lucky you, scrabby.

Now what does each of your
children want for Christmas this

year?
A train set.

A new soccer ball.
I don't know what to say.

Oh, scrabby, certainly
Marshall wants something from

Santa.
Let's see what's on my list.

Oh, scrabby, you spelled
flashlight wrong!

I wish that were the case,
Santa.

Well, is there anything else
he wants?

I mean, I guess some soft
socks?

Ho, ho, ho, ho!
Then he shall have the softest

socks in the land.
Well, they're not going to

stay that way, Santa.
Scrabby, it sounds like you

don't like Marshall anymore?
No, I do.

13 is just a -- it's a confusing
age.

Whatever do you mean?
I don't know, he like, looks

at his body and he has like,
little bobbies and he squeezes

real hard because he hates them
and he's mad at them and he's

like, oh, go away.
Oh, my, that's odd.

Yeah, yeah.
Please, listen, can I please

have another kid?
Oh, I think I know what's

happening.
You're upset he's growing up.

He grew up, Santa.
That's done.

Don't be sad, scrabby.
Every kid stops believing in us

some day.
But then they have kids of their

own and the magic starts again!
I don't know if Marshall's

going to have anything left in
his tank by then.

Well, I can't wait to visit
all your children and bring them

Christmas cheer.
Yeah, well, just make a lot

of noise when you get to
Marshall's house.

He'll stop for a few seconds if
he hears something coming.

Oh, scrabby, you're a silly
elf.

Now back to your children.
♪♪♪

Wow wee!
Honey, how do you keep the house

so clean?
A lady never tells.

A woman's work is done better
with ge household appliances.

Times change.
And these days, women are the

primary breadwinners in 50% of
American homes and that means

house work is a man's job.
So give him the tools to get the

job done right with ge's new big
boy home appliances.

Like the big boy dishwasher,
featuring a 70-pound steel door.

I'd like to see a woman do
that.

And hey, she may have climbed
the corporate ladder.

But she'll need an actual ladder
to use the big boy washing

machine because that sucker is
six feet tall.

Dirty floors don't stand a
chance against the big boy

ride-on vacuum cleaner.
That's 240 horsepower.

Pure chore torque.
With the detachable spot remover

that absolutely annihilated
stains.

All ge big boy appliances have
an energy star rating of

f-minus.
Because they run on gas.

So man up this holiday season
and ask your wife to buy you ge

big boy household appliances.
Wow, how did you get it so

clean in here?
Oh, sorry, babe, a guy never

tells.
Ge big boy appliances.

All right, welcome to khal's
drogos ghost dojo, where we talk

to some of the hundreds of "game
of thrones" characters who have

been killed off the show.
I am zerbo, bloodwriter to the

great Carl himself.
Carl, how are you feeling

tonight?
Mm.

All right.
So, Carl is not the biggest

talker but he's a cool dude when
you get to know him.

Do you got any fun plans for the
weekend, Karl?

[ Speaking unintelligibly ]
Cool.

Co, co, co, co, cool.
Very still.

Very cool.
You mind closing your legs a

little bit there, Karl?
Ever heard of the term man

spreading?
You never know how fast they'll

kill off a character!
And I'm back.

Revived by a witch.
All right.

Let's start the show and meet
our first ghost.

He sacrificed his life to save
Brandon Mira.

Please welcome, hodor!
♪♪♪

Hodor.
What'd you do?

Hodor.
Why?

What'd you do?
Hodor.

Okay, that was great.
Thanks for stopping by, hodor.

Really glad that we got you two
together.

Hey, would you mind holding the
door for our next guest?

Hold the door?

Hold the door!

Hodor!

Thanks, hodor.
Yeah, please, no trouble at

all.
No trouble.

All right.
Our next guest was a religious

zealot who led the face of the
septon until he got exploded.

Please welcome the high sparrow.
Shame, shame.

I'm just playing.
I'm glad.

All the time and never had sex.
For real.

And we ended up in the same
heaven!

It almost makes you question
religion.

Well, hey, you ran that whole
team.

You no like team?
You ruined my potato sack!

Wow.
Okay.

I actually need to save a little
bit of that molten gold to make

a friendship bracelet, but no
worries, I guess.

There is danger.
Where are the stark children?

Arya, sansa, the cripple in the
sled.

Wait, brienne of tarth?
Are you even dead?

I mean, the show's been out for
so long, I'm honestly asking.

I have sworn a blood oath to
find and protect the star

children wherever they may be.
[ Speaking unintelligibly ]

Man, wow, you have a lot to
learn about identity politics.

.
You're right.

Khal needs to learn from khal's
mistakes or khal never wins

Oscar.
Khal never holds Oscar.

Wow, what a teachable moment,
yeah.

Now a quick word from our
sponsors.

Khal drogo's ghost dojo is
brought to you by little beard

twisties.
Want to keep your beard neat but

still loose and crazy?
Little beard twisties.

And remember the red wedding?
Well, that venue is now open for

your wedding.
What are the odds of it

happening twice?
We've cleaned up almost all of

the blood and hired a new
wedding planner.

Dothraki wardrobe provided by
dead horses.

When a horse dies, you win.
And if you like elf on a shelf,

get ready for khal on the wall.
He knows when you've been

naughty and he'll kill you.
Okay, we are back.

Khal is just eating ribs, which
means it's time for our final

guest.
He's the worst and everyone's

glad he's dead.
Please welcome, king Joffrey!

♪♪♪
Go ahead and boo me.

I love it.
You're all just mad you're not

me.
But catch me outside!

I said catch me outside!
Man, you are just despised.

They think they cannot
handle all of this.

I feed off the haters.
All right, now, Joffrey, you

were poisoned to death, correct?
Huh, whatever.

Well, what if I told you that
the woman who poisoned you is

here tonight?
Olenna Tyrell, get out here!

Oh, I know you!
I'm about to kill you again

just to [ Bleep ], [ Bleep ],
[ bleep ].

Let's break it up!
Let's break it up.

Let's take a break.
When we come back, we will see

the results of our big makeover.
Here's what oberyn martell

looked like after the mountain
gouged out his eyes and crushed

his skull.
And here's what he looks like

now.
♪♪♪

That's right.
Right here on khal drogo's ghost

dojo!
And, hey, stay tuned after

the show for "talking dojo,"
where we dissect everything that

just happened in the ghost dojo.
♪♪♪

No more after shows!
Best tip ever!

Mr. President, the
prosecution's closing in.

I'm afraid it might be over.
Oh, it's not over.

Not by a long shot.
We'll beat this.

Or my name isn't Darius Trump.
From the producers of --

"empire,"
it's "them trumps."

The first show to ask the
question, what if Donald Trump

was black?
Darius Trump, his wife Malika,

Darius Jr., and lavanka.
Together they are "them trumps."

Sir, they know everything.
They know about Russia.

They know you used campaign
money to cover up an affair with

magic city stripper
cinnamon Mercedes.

And they know about the pyramid
scheme you have been running

through your company,
Darius Trump country hams.

Mm-mm.
Dad, the media has been out

for you since day one and you
proved them all wrong.

That's right, nobody ever
thought you would get this far.

The bankruptcies, your baby
mama.

But here you are on top.
Yeah.

Maybe I done some dirty things.
I'm making America great again.

And what these feds don't
realize is that I'm the

president!
The most powerful man in the

most respected office in the
world.

They can't like me.
And even though I may be

black --
freeze, Trump, you're under

arrest!
Yeah, that sounds about

right.
On the next "them trumps."

All hail the chief.
Dad, you're back.

That's right.
There's only one room in

America.
You can't prosecute a sitting

president.
It's called checks and balances

baby, and even though I'm
black --

you've been impeached.
Yeah, I was waiting on that.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Ladies and gentlemen,
mumford & sons!

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪♪
♪ all day

permanent red
the glaze

on my eyes
♪ when I heard

your voice
the distance caught

me by surprise again ♪
♪ and I know

you claim that
you're alright ♪

♪ but fix your eyes on me
I guess I'm all you have

and I swear we'll see
the dawn again ♪

♪ cause I know I had
it all on the line

but don't just sit
with folded hands ♪

♪ and become blind
cause even when there

is no star in sight ♪
♪ you'll always be my

only guiding light ♪
♪ relate to my youth

I'm still in awe of you
discover some new truth ♪

♪ that was always
wrapped around you ♪

♪ don't just slip away
in the night

don't just hurl your words
from on high ♪

♪ cause I know I had
it all on the line

but don't just sit
with folded hands ♪

♪ and become blind
cause even when there

is no star in sight ♪
♪ you'll always be my

only guiding light ♪
♪ if we come back

and we're broken
unworthy and ashamed ♪

♪ give us something
to believe in

and you know we'll
go your way ♪

♪♪♪
♪ cause I know I had

it all on the line
but don't just sit

with folded hands ♪
♪ and become blind

cause even when there
is no star in sight ♪

♪ you'll always be my
only guiding light ♪

It all on the line
but don't just sit

with folded hands ♪
♪ and become blind

cause even when there
is no star in sight ♪

♪ you'll always be my
only guiding light ♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

Announcer: It's
"weekend update" with Colin jost

and Michael che.
[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you.
Thank you.

Good evening, everyone.
Welcome to "weekend update."

I'm Michael che.
And I'm Colin jost.

This week Robert Mueller
released the teaser trailer

"Trump: End game."
Federal prosecutors said Friday

that Michael Cohen committed two
election-related crimes at the

direction of a person identified
as "individual-1."

Now, we don't know for sure who
individual-1 is.

But let's just say things are
pretty tense right now over at

individual-1 tower.
Earlier today, Trump called

the Mueller report "collusion
illusion," which is also my

favorite guns 'n' roses album.
And yesterday Trump tweeted --

with zero context or
explanation -- "totally clears

the president, thank you."
Sounds like someone's been

reading "the secret."
Now, I don't blame Trump for

thinking that his tweets are
powerful enough to make things

go away.
I mean, just this week his

tweets about China were able to
tank the entire stock market.

I mean if something you does get
everybody indicted, you would

think you have something to do
with it.

Might not even be reliable
witnesses against him.

Trump's already called Cohen a
weak man.

Pretty soon he's gonna be like,
"can you really trust a guy with

a name like Donald Trump Jr.?"
Trump is now calling for an

end to the Mueller probe.
Which I mean, you got to admit,

is worth a shot.
I mean, you don't want to go all

the way to prison and then find
out you could have just called

it off the whole time.
You know what's the fun thing

about watching Trump be
president?

It's that he tries the things
that would I try.

I bet he still slaps the side of
his TV when it acts up.

You better hurry up.
You only get one day on that

computer.
And nothing makes you seem

guilty than filing a counter
report before the report is out.

It's like watching "cops" and as
soon as they pull off to the

house saying, first of all,
she's lying.

President Trump said that
John Kelly will be retiring tend

of the year because he requires
extensive surgery from the palm

to his face.
That's how dangerous it is to

work in the White House.
John Kelly spent 40 years in the

marines, he did three tours in
Iraq and he couldn't finish one

tour with Donald Trump.
Or maybe he just wants to go

work with someone who will
actually listen to him.

He also said he's doing a rewith
William barr,

who served as Attorney General
from '91 to '93.

A reboot of someone with the
last name barr who was big in

the early '90s?
What could go wrong!

Barr would replace acting
Attorney General

Matthew Whitaker, who previously
served as the body suit for

krang.
Trump also announced that he

memorial services for
president George h.W. Bush were

held this week and many
observers said that president

Trump looked bored.
But I think that Trump was just

getting an idea.
He's was thinking, "wait, maybe

before the whole Mueller report
comes out, I should just fake my

own death and escape to the last
place anyone would ever look for

me -- Mexico."
And you know that Trump will be

the first guy to ever fake his
own death via tweet.

[ Laughter ]

Well, it's one of the
busiest travel times of the

year.
So here with her holiday travel

tips is seventh grade travel
expert Carrie krum.

Hi, Carrie.
Hey.

So how are you liking your
trip to New York?

Oh, I love it.
I saw spider-man and he gave me

the finger.
Cool.

So Carrie what kind of
destinations can you recommend

for vacationers?
Well, one of the best global

destinations has got to be
Columbus, Ohio.

Oh, yeah, you got cousins, you
got aunts.

And did you know that uncles can
have ponytails too?

But the best part of Columbus
is, Michael, Michael --

what?
My cousin's neighbors are

boys.
Okay, Carrie, that sounds

pretty specific to your family
trips.

Like where can other people
travel?

Try the twin freaking cities!
Yeah, where you'll go to a farm

and see a really big pig and
your brother will tell you

that's where ham comes from.
And then you'll sob because you

love to eat ham.
Again, that feels like what

you did in the twin cities.
But what can everybody do?

Okay, I got you.
Might I recommend staying at my

aunt Nancy's house?
Because Michael, Michael --

yes?
She's braless on the couch!

So, yeah, overall pretty great
trip.

Except for when I got spanked.
Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, don't be, Michael.
That's what traveling is all

about, you know,
testing boundaries.

Like in dubuque, Iowa, where my
parents were drinking daiquiris

and they were laughing, and I
don't get it.

But when adults are laughing,
I'm laughing right along with

them.
Well, that sounds like a very

fun vacation.
Oh, yeah.

Oh, dubuque is --
a can't miss.

When I was there, my cousin
Mitchell forgot his bathing

suit, and then he got to wear
his underwear in the hot tub.

And Michael --
Michael?

What?
You can kind of see his butt.

All right.
Have you ever been anywhere more

exotic?
Oh, yeah.

Oh, duh,
once on a connecting flight from

Phoenix to Denver, I got to go
to the Atlanta airport.

All right, now you want to talk
exotic, okay?

I saw two indoor pigeons work
together to carry a bagel.

That's a bonjour vacation.
It sounds like you had a lot

of awesome vacations.
Were there any places you didn't

like?
Yeah.

Montana.
Montana.

Why?
Because when I went to

Montana, I fell on a bunch of
rocks on my back.

Where?
On my back.

I meant where in Montana?
On a rock!

And it really hurt, so don't go
there.

Because the rocks are too hard
and my back is too soft.

Okay.

Michael, can we stop, because I
got to go to the bathroom.

Can't you just wait until the
end?

No.
Because mumford & sons gave me a

bunch of Sierra mist.
All right, if you have to go,

then go.
Okay.

Thank you, Michael.
I love you, Michael.

Carrie krum, everybody!
I love my cousins

[ cheers and applause ]
In space news, spacex

launched a rocket into orbit
carrying the cremated remains of

a hundred people.
Unfortunately, they weren't

cremated when it launched.
Two new studies about

accelerated greenhouse emissions
find that the earth will be

impacted by global warming
sooner than we thought.

I mean, god bless these
scientists and researchers that

are still studying this thing
that we just refuse to listen

to.
We're like a stubborn old man at

the doctor's office and they're
pleading with us, "sir, you

gotta quit smoking."
"Kiss my ass, I like cigars."

Well, that was short.

Kevin hart had to step down
as host of the upcoming awards

because of homophobic tweets in
2011.

Didn't the academy nominate Mel
Gibson for an award just last

year?
Also, if Kevin -- thank you.

I love when there's a black lady
in the audience.

Also, if Kevin hart isn't clean
enough to host the oscars, then

no black comic is.
The only black comic I know

that's cleaner than Kevin hart
is booked for the next three to

ten years.
[ Laughter ]

An acapella group at
Princeton university has stopped

performing the song "kiss the
girl" from "little mermaid"

after the student newspaper said
the lyrics promote toxic

masculinity.
Also, it just sucks to hear a

bunch of white guys sing like a
Jamaican crab.

A new version of bull
fighting has started in China,

in which participants use their
hands instead of swords.

That's how many extra people
they have.

A British version of
"rupaul's drag race" will begin

airing next year on the BBC.
And because it's england, their

penises will be tucked to the
right side.

A man in Florida who was
arrested for selling marijuana

claimed that he was only doing
it to buy better Christmas gifts

for his children.
Replied his children, "just give

us the weed, dad."
A Utah man was arrested

after he got into an argument
and hammered an ice pick through

the other man's penis.
Hey, it's like they say, never

bring a penis to an ice pick
fight.

New York City subway
officials have rejected an ad

from the company tushy, which
sells modern bidets, saying the

ads didn't meet the standards of
decency.

For more on this is -- wait a --
Michael che?

What's up, Colin?
What are you doing?

A feature.
An update feature.

Wow.
So this is "SNL."

Wait, I told you this was a
bad idea.

Thanks, Colin.
So I think these subway ads are

great.
People need to know about

bidets.
I just got one and it changed my

life.
It's glorious.

I mean, food tastes better.
I can jump higher.

I want children now.
I'm a better person.

You know, the first time I used
the bidet, I cried.

And not even because I was
emotional, because the water

went so far up, it came out my
eyes.

Oh, god.
Dude --

I know, I must have set the
pressure too high, man.

That thing sprayed me like it
was trying to remove graffiti.

All right, yeah.
No one wants to hear about this.

Shut up, Colin, you white
guy!

It looks easy when Leslie does
it.

Look, this bidet is a
game-changer.

I mean gone are the days of me
penguin walking to the sink with

my pants around my ankles trying
to wet some tissues.

Like a fool!
You know they make wipes.

Baby wipes?
First of all, that's terrible

for the environment and you
should be ashamed of yourself.

Of course.
Not to mention baby wipes

don't work as well.
Baby wipes are like eating a

chicken wing with a fork and a
knife.

But a bidet, that's putting a
whole drumstick in your mouth

and pulling out a clean bone.
I'm whistling.

That's way too descriptive.
Can you please, do you think

these ads from bidets should be
allowed on the subway?

I think they should only be
allowed on the subway!

You know how miserable the
subway is?

I mean, that's where people need
a little slash of hope the most.

Besides what better metaphor for
a bidet than a whooshing train

zipping through a dirty tunnel?
Did you need an entire

feature for this?
Maybe.

Are you done?
No.

Sometimes I put on a propeller
hat and then turn on the bidet

and try to make it spin on the
top.

Michael che, everyone.

And so Mr. Scrooge was shown
the errors of his ways by three

spirits, the ghosts of Christmas
past, present, and future.

The following morning he was a
changed man.

[ Knocking on door ]
Tell me what day it is, Mrs.

Dilber?
Why, it's Christmas day, sir.

Why then I haven't missed it.
Are you quite yourself, sir?

I hope not!
It's Christmas day!

♪♪♪
Merry Christmas, everyone!

Christmas tidings, scrooge.
Who are you?

Why, I'm a spirit, ebenezer.
But Marley told me there were

to be only three spirits.
Are you some sort of extra

spirit?
Ooh, exactly.

And I'm so much extra!
Well, I have seen my past,

present and future.
What is left for you to show me?

Maybe this.
Watch.

[ Salsa music playing ]

♪♪♪

Okay.
The other ghosts helped me

transform from a stingy miser
from a giving, loving man.

What lesson did I gain from
that?

Seriously, you should be
like, boy, what are you so

extra?
I mean, I had a long night so

so maybe that's why I'm not
getting it?

Oh, it's fine.
I think I know what you need.

♪♪♪
So?

Are you sure you have the
right address?

Oh, come on!
I'm being very extra for you and

you're not getting it.
You took off a cape and had

another cape on underneath.
What's to get?

It's called a reveal, you fat
head.

Mr. Scrooge, the crutchette
family are here.

Don't worry.
They won't see me.

I'm a ghost.
Oh, my good fella, come in,

happy Christmas.
Happy Christmas.

What's equipment gotten into Mr.
Scrooge?

Bob, I want to give you
something.

This is your Christmas bonus.
Bonus?

How incredibly kind of you.
Thank Mr. Scrooge, tiny.

If I'm not so bold to ask, who
is this ghost who's been so

extra?
Thank you!

See, tiny Tim gets it.
So they can see you?

Yeah, I guess so.
With extra it's Christmas

himself, tinsel and goose
dinner?

Let me give it one last try
because I think scrooge might

almost be there.
♪♪♪

Tiny, you can walk!
Now, give me that bonus

money!
There's something I need to do!

♪♪♪
Yes!

Twerk with me, tiny Tim!
Twerk with my scroogei!

Oh, yes, I see it now.
Yes!

[ Cheers and applause ]

And now back to the 1985 campus
comedy "day of the dorks."

I had it with these dorks!
First they ruin our homecoming

party consider their dumb
pranks.

And now they're beating us at
Greek week olympiad!

We're sigma theta.
All right?

We can't lose to a bunch of --
of dorks!

I hate dorks.
Yeah, we all do, beef.

That's why we need to get rid of
these dorks once and for all.

No one makes fools of sigma
theta, especially not a bunch of

dorks.
Dorks.

Yeah, those dorks got to pay!
Dorks!

Yeah, but how?
Nothing we do works.

They're too smart.
Well, we have to think of

something.
If they win one more event at

Greek week, they'll move in to
our frat house.

Man, this house belongs to
us.

Not those dang dorks!
Dorks.

Yeah!
All right!

Yeah!
Also, take it easy on our

furniture, beef.
We have to pay for that stuff,

man.
Good news, gentlemen, is that I

have a way to stop these dorks.
Kill the dorks.

Not that, beef.
But I think I have a way to kill

their pathetic excuse for a
frat.

Who has a knife?
All right.

Stop with that stuff, please,
beef.

With a knife.
Stop with that, dork.

You're freaking me out.
And what does the Dean hate

most?
The Dean!

No, beef.
It's a -- cheating.

So what happens to a frat that's
caught cheating during Greek

week?
They die!

Beef, please listen.
Trip is hatching a plan.

Trip, the dorks won't cheat,
man.

Not only are dorks fair, they're
clever.

And they know it.
Just thinking of the smug

faces on those dorks.
Oh, god!

Dorks!
Beef, beef, man!

Why did you do that?
That was a gift from the alumni!

Because beef hates dorks!
Yeah, we know, man.

But we all really liked and use
that foosball table a lot.

Beef, we love how much you
hate dorks.

And we all admire your passion
but wrecking stuff we use

doesn't help.
Yeah, beef.

Maybe grab a pen and jot down
notes on how we're going to get

these dorks.
That would help a lot.

Beef can't write.
Oh, beef, really?

You have been in college for
eight years, man.

How do you not know how to
write?

Because of dorks.
I don't know, beef.

I feel like that's on you, man.
All right, make them drink

from the hose.
I'll tell you about the plan

after.
I love beef, but what's his

deal?
Have any of you ever met his

parents?
How is he paying for an Ivy

league school?
I don't know.

What matters now is getting rid
of the dorks.

As you all know, my father has a
great deal of money.

And every dork has his price.
Guys, meet Finnegan.

My dork on the inside.
Gentlemen, as a dork myself,

I can tell you -- I'm sorry, is
he okay?

Yeah, he's fine, he's fine.
Finnegan, please continue.

Okay.
Well, if there's one thing we

dorks love more than computers,
it's girls.

If you jocks can help me get a
girlfriend --

dorks!

Once again, mumford & sons.
[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪♪
♪ do not lie to us

don't hide your eyes from us
I will take this softened cup

I will sit upon your floor ♪
♪ tell your stories

♪ tell all of your pain
that's what I came here for

and your children come
and go as you wait ♪

♪ what have I found in our
love I am a waste my words

are empty vessels if I do
nothing in this place ♪

♪ we can scream
into the shadows

and it's good
that we can ♪

♪ walk with me
I think we'll find a way

walk with me I
think we'll find a way ♪

♪ I ll meet you
at the delta

where the rivers
run into the sea ♪

♪ and I'll meet
you at the delta

what's behind
I can clearly see ♪

♪ that beyond
that's beyond me ♪

♪ when it feels like
nothing else matters

will you put your arms
around me? ♪

♪ When it feels like
nothing else matters

will you put your arms
around me ♪

♪ does your love
prefer the others

♪ does your love just
make you feel good ♪

♪ does my love
prefer the others

does my love just
make me feel good ♪

♪♪♪

♪ when it's all
just dust to dust

and that's how
it will be ♪

♪ when it's all just
nothing else

well that means
nothing to me ♪

♪ when it's all just
dust to dust

and that s how
it will be ♪

♪ when it's all just
nothing else

that means
nothing to me ♪

♪ cause does my love
prefer the others

or does my love just
make me feel good ♪

♪ does your love
prefer the others

or does your love just
make me feel good ♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

This is so romantic.
What a great idea, gene.

A winter sleigh ride.
It would be a great place to

propose to somebody.
Oh, well you're hilarious.

That's why I'm really starting
to like you.

Well, I love you, and I'm
ready.

Oh, honey, look, this sleigh
has a roof.

After you, my lady, please.
Oh, my god!

Gene,
are you jerking me off right

now?
Is that you?

Who is that, gene?
I have no idea.

Baby, baby, look that's gene.
Man, I'm blown seeing you!

Get out of here!
No, sir, we waited an hour in

line.
You're a jerk, sir!

Wow, I wish that was the
first time that happened.

Sorry, ma'am.
Hey.

Howdy.
Hi, nice to meet you.

Happy Christmas and all that.
Hey, don't talk like that

where I'm walking.
My jeans are too tight for that

accent.
You know what I'm saying, gene?

Let's go!
Wee!

I'm sorry, who are you?
I'm Gemma, I'm British.

I got a brand new vagina today.
What?

You got a new vagina today?
Well, we did it in Thailand

flew in this morning.
Whatever the time difference is.

I guess I got it tomorrow.
Merry Christmas to me, today

or tomorrow.
Right, gene!

We're gonna rock!
Thank you, Thailand.

Don't make me laugh.
It will come loose.

I'm sorry, I'm going to say
it again, how in the world do I

know you?
Dude, it's your boy.

You know, I carried you down
from that zip line after you got

too scared to go.
Well, I wasn't scared.

Well, you were crying and
hanging on my back like a little

koala.
Aw, that sounds so cute,

gene.
I'd carry you like a koala if

you wanted.
Would you?

That's nice.
It's nice to actually love

your brother.
What?

You think he's my brother?
Isn't it sweet, babe?

Oh, my god.
That accent, that little tiny

hand on my shoulder.
I'm going to take that blanket

of yours because I'm building a
Christmas tree over here.

You know what I'm talking about?
I'm not his sister.

I'm his fiancee.
No.

Well, practically speaking.
Let's take it day by day.

You better not be wasting my
time.

Hey, you got to think about
yourself first, you know.

He don't own you.
P your brother don't own you.

Just remember that.
Girl power.

Speaking of girl power, my
girl gives me that kind of power

and this kind of power.
When the sleigh starts arocking,

don't you come aknocking!
Am I right, gene?

I wish my sister wasn't here.
Sir, please stop rocking the

sleigh, it's not safe and you're
spooking the horses, sir!

Let me get my girl.
Don't you look at my girl.

I'm actually asexual.
Not that anyone cares or asks.

Hey, enough of your anger.
Oh, I almost forgot the best

part.
My girl's a singer.

What?
He said I'm a singer!

Gene, you and your sister's
ears are about to climax

together.
Her new Christmas album.

It is dope, and filled with
dope.

Hit it, baby?
♪♪♪

You have to stop rocking the
sleigh.

The horses are being lifted off
the ground.

And now we're sucking in the
corner

and now we're sucking in the
corner ♪

♪ we're sucking tonight!
Sorry kids, that's it.

Hey, this is like real, what
do reindeer do, right?

They got their hooves up in the
air, don't they?

♪ Pop, pop, pop,
pop, pop, pop, pop

all right, I can't take
anymore!

Should we jump?
Yeah, let's do it.

All right, come on, gene, let's
do this!

Let's do this.
One, two, 60.

Woo!

Oh, he's such a lug.
Can you sing me a song?

Of course!
♪ We wish you a

merry Christmas
we wish you a

merry Christmas ♪
Oh, I know this one.

♪ And a happy new year ♪
Hey!

You're wearing your new
shirt!

Yeah.
Does it look okay?

You look great, sweetie.
All right.

Because I'm really nervous to
meet your parents, you know?

I don't want to look stupid.
Oh, they're going to love

you.
Okay.

All right, I just really want to
impress them.

[ Doorbell ringing ]
♪♪♪

Hey!
Hey, sweetie!

Hi, mom.
Come here.

Hi.
Mom, dad, this is Michael.

That's weird.
He was here just a second ago.

Well, we can't wait to meet
him.

Michael!
Honey?

I bet you can't find me.
What?

Was that him?
What did he say?

Try and find me!
Hee-hee-hee.

Michael, stop it!
Okay, come out here and meet my

parents.
Hee-hee-hee, where am I?

Honey, what's going on?
I think he's just nervous.

He really wants to impress you.
Why would that impress us?

Does he hide a lot?
No, he's never done this

before.
I bet you can't find me!

Oh, I bet I can!
♪♪♪

Dad, what are you doing?
I'm going to find this guy.

You're very cold.
Make it fair, give us a clue.

Don't you want to see what I
look like?

Hee-hee-hee.
That was a big yes!

I got to find this guy if I want
to see what he looks like.

Follow the little gay elf.
Hee-hee-hee!

Come and find me!
He's in the closet!

Where is this turd?
Dad!

Ha ha, you're getting warmer.
Oh, he's under the bed!

I got you now!
Damn it.

Not there.
Hee-hee-hee.

Coming from the walls.
He's not in the walls!

Dad, what are you doing?
I'm trying to find the damn

guy!
Gotcha!

I guess you don't want to see
what I look like!

You know I do!
Then follow my voice.

Hee-hee-hee-hee.
Oh, I got you now.

Fooled again!
Sound like someone's got pie

in the face.
No, they don't.

Honey, this is insane.
You're right, this is too

hard.
Give us another clue.

Hee-hee-hee, you see, I might
be where you watch TV.

In the TV!
Oh, crap, I gave it away!

♪♪♪
I got him!

Help me!
Help!

I'm stuck!
What took you so long?

Help me, I'm stuck!
Michael, where are your

clothes?
I couldn't fit back here with

that new shirt on!
Did you grease your body?

Just my face and my chest.
I couldn't fit back there.

This whole plan is not working
at all.

What was your plan?
To look cool in front of your

parents.
Look at what love made me do,

babe.
Please to meet you, Mr. Charles.

Mrs. Charles.
I hope my hiding thing wasn't

too stupid.
And I'm sorry if I ruined your

clothes with my pie trap.
You didn't.

Crap.
Look, you just told me how great

they were and I just really
wanted to impress them.

I didn't want to be a loser.
I didn't want to be "that guy."

"That guy."
I love that.

I say that too.
I like you for my daughter.

A lot.
I do too, sir.

Yes, thank you, sir.
Very good, sir.

Let me see how handsome you
are.

That's very nice.
Good.

There.
Very handsome.

Very good.
He looks good.

Very, very good.
Very handsome.

Very nice.
He looks good.

I like that.
Very, very good.

Very handsome.
That's very nice.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

All right, fellas, it's
Christmas Eve and I am ready to

fly!
Who's with me?

Yeah!
Hey, why is Rudolph cheering?

Well, I guess I thought there
was a chance I'd be on the team

this year.
What?

Yeah, keep dreaming neon
nose!

Yeah, the last thing we need
up there is a stoplight!

Or a maraschino cherry.
Ho, ho, ho!

Huddle up.
I got a little weather report,

and I'm sorry but it's too
overcast to fly.

Christmas is canceled.
Oh, no!

No!
Wait!

Rudolph -- your nose.
You can guide us with your

wonderful light!
How about it, Rudolph?

You mean it, Santa?
You bet I do.

I'm appointing you lead
reindeer!

Christmas is saved!
Let's hear it for Rudolph!

Hip, hip, hooray!
Thanks, Santa.

I won't let you down.
Well, well, well --

congrats.
Oh, you can put that away,

donner, or whatever your stupid
[ bleep ] Name is.

Rudolph.
Oh, it's Rudolph now!

I thought it was neon nose.
Well, Rudolph may be --

classic!
What's up, blitzen?

What did you call my nose?
A stoplight.

I like that.
Making fun of someone's looks

and you're married to a moose.
She's an elk.

She's a straight up moose.
You need to know that.

What's up, dad?
Rudolph, we understand you're

sore at us but it was just some
ribbing.

You shut your mouth, cupid.
You want healthy ribbing!

Your wife dropped that donk on
my last night!

You're making that up.
Nope, we did it in front of

the mirror.
She's one of those!

Hey, I'll knock that nose
right off your face!

Come on, Rudolph man, we're
sorry.

I know you're sorry now
because I'll be flying out in

front tonight and I'm eating a
lot of broccoli.

Hey!
I'm gonna tell Santa how

you're behaving.
Oh, let's get him in there

then!
Oh, why would you hit me?

I'm smaller than you!
Cupid!

Are you still bullying on
Rudolph?

No, sir, I didn't touch him!
I'm the new guy.

I deserve it.
Rudolph, you're the strongest

reindeer I've ever seen.
Cupid, you're on thin ice.

Ho, ho, ho, ho.
Oh, man.

Whoops!
Yo, you're crazy, man!

Anyone else want to bully
Rudolph?

No, man, we're so sorry.
Oh, well if it isn't Mr.

Maraschino cherry joke.
I don't want any trouble,

man.
You know, I heard a lot of

jokes about my nose.
That was a good one.

You like maraschino cherries,
bro?

They're delicious as hell,
yeah.

You like the way they taste,
bro?

Yeah.
Why don't you suck on one?

Excuse me?
Yeah, suck on it, homey.

Suck on the cherry right in
front of your face!

Rudolph, please!
Oh, my goodness!

Ew, ew!
He bit me.

I think he's rabid.
Oh, I always knew this day

would come.
I swear he's lying!

He told me to suck it.
Come with me, comet.

Sir, you don't understand.
He's evil.

Are none of you going to say
anything?

Yeah, isn't someone going to
say something?

I'm sorry, pal.
Ho, ho, ho.

[ Gunfire ]
Rudolph, you're a master.

Really, those were some funny
jokes.

Hilarious.
All right, show's over.

It's Christmas, folks.
Ho, ho, ho, ho!

♪ Rudolph the red-nosed
reindeer ♪

Sing it!


Thanks to mumford & sons,
Robert De Niro, all of the cast

and crew, I love you!
To my mother, my grandmother, my

babies and my wife!
All of my family, I love you!