Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 44, Episode 6 - Steve Carell/Ella Mai - full transcript

Steve Carell hosts with musical guest Ella Mai.

Hello, again.

I'm Laura ingraham and you're
watching "the ingraham angle."

Which re-airs on telemundo as
"la madre del diablo." Later in

the program, celebrities in
California are whining about

some tiny wildfires, while
our heroic president is under

constant attack from rain.

But, first, let's talk about the
rampant voter fraud that allowed

democrats to literally
steal the election.

Some have claimed that suburban
women revolted against the

republican party, but doesn't
it feel more true that all

hispanics voted twice?

You can't dismiss that idea
simply because it isn't true and

sounds insane.

In fact, let's add that
to our list of feel facts.

Which aren't technically
facts, but they just feel true.

Like -- latinos can have
a baby every three months.

Santa is Jesus' dad.

If the earth is so warm,
then why are my feet cold?

Blackface is a compliment.

If you have less than
five guns, you're gay.

Now here to explain how rampant
this voter fraud has gotten is

pulitzer-prize eligible
judge jeanine pirro.

I hate them, Laura!


Sorry, that's just
my vocal warm-up.

Judge, now what specific
examples of voter fraud have you


Well in Georgia, many people
were wearing disguises in order

to vote multiples times.

For example, I saw this
man vote in Atlanta.

Then he went into his car
and changed into this woman.

And he was threatening white
voters with a gun and yelling,

"he ur!"

Very disturbing.

And apparently there was a huge
increase in what people call

stacking, where multiple
children will stack on top of

each other under a trench coat
and then vote as an adult.

Wow, fantastic
journalism, janeane.


Of course I have to take a
moment to thank my sponsors,

the few remaining businesses
that are willing to be

associated with me.

Starting with fashion catheters.

Got poor control
but great style?

Fashion catheters.

Now with genuine
swarovski crystals.


And is your dog
still not baptized?

Then order reverend Whitaker's
home dog baptism kit.

Because all dogs don't go to
heaven unless they're properly


And only want the
healthy part of the egg?

Try whites only.

It's egg whites and
it's just for us.

Alright my next guest has been
under intense scrutiny for

letting Russians use his website
to spread lies about candidates.

Please welcome Facebook
ceo Mark Zuckerberg.

Hey Laura, it's
great to be here.

Smile two, three, four.

Mark, are you comfortable?

Why are you holding
your arms like that?

Because when I practiced it
earlier, there was a table.


Now, Mark, what about the story
that fox had a smear campaign

with George soros, seen
here in this photo,

did you know about
that campaign?

Absolutely not, Laura.

Blink twice, eyeballs.

The idea we employed a horrible
company makes me laugh -- ha,

ha, ha.

Good job.

People say my laugh is chilling.

And how are you adjusting to
demands for Facebook to become

more transparent?

I can't be anymore transparent.

Have you seen my skin?

Ha, ha, ha.

If I were more transparent,
I would be clear.

Seriously, I kid.

I think the problem is when
I do bad things, I get money.

Ha, ha, ha.

Thank you, Mark.

Democrats will soon be deciding
who's going to be the speaker of

the house.

Here to comment is diverse
congresswoman from Ohio,

please welcome
representative marcia fudge.

Hi, Laura, thank
you for having me.

Congresswoman fudge, you're
challenging Nancy pelosi for

speaker of the house.

Why do you think she has to go?

Nancy pelosi is tainted.

For years the gop has
used her name against us.

But Republicans could never
find a way to make fun of me,

a middle-aged black
woman named fudge.

No, definitely not.

And do you think Nancy pelosi,
seen here in the recent document

about her, "the nun," do you
think she would really give up

the chance to be
speaker of the house?

Look, I love Nancy pelosi and
I'm not saying she's old but her

baby sister is a redwood tree.

When she started the trial,
she was speaker of the cave.

Someone give me a microphone.

This bitch is so old, when she
was born, the doctors said,

it's the first girl!

She just calls the old
testament, the testament.

She's so old, her
birthstone is rosetta!

Okay, I think we
understand, marcia.

Okay, I'm done.

And the other reason
I should be speaker,

is that I can help
mobilize the black vote.


The phrase "mobilize the black
vote" has set off our fox news

"the country is
changing" alarms.

Marcia, what do
you think of that?

I think that you're lucky
we in a remote interview.

Cause if I was there in person,
I would knock the fudge out of


Well -- alright, let's take
a break and hear from our


Like teeny tiny turkeys.

Have you alienated
everyone in your life?

Have Thanksgiving for one
with a teeny tiny Turkey.

We swear it ain't a pigeon.

And cash for organs.

You don't need all those organs.

Plus, Volkswagen: You know why.

And when we come back, part
two of my interview with the

self-proclaimed vape god.

A real person I had on my show.

Y'all what up.

I'm ready to talk politics
and rip some fat clouds.

And you're not
trolling me, right?

You're a real expert
on e-cig laws?

Oh for sure.

I got that swag.

I got that drip.

And our producers
have fully vetted you?

Because we bumped supreme court
justice Clarence Thomas to speak

with you.

Then you made the right choice.

My puff puff game dilly dilly.


Finally a millennial who's
speaking my language.

Much more with that
gentleman when we return.

I'll have my dong out.

I can't wait.

And live from New York,
it's Saturday night.

I can't wait.

And live from New York,
it's Saturday night.

announcer: It's
"Saturday night live"!

With -- Beck Bennett,
aidy Bryant, Michael che,

Pete Davidson, Mikey day,
Leslie Jones, Colin jost,

Kate McKinnon, Alex moffat,
Kyle mooney, cecily strong,

kenan Thompson,
Melissa villasenor.

Featuring -- Heidi gardner,
ego nwodim, Chris redd,

musical guest -- Ella mai.

And your host -- Steve carell.

Ladies and gentlemen
-- Steve carell.


Thank you very much, thank you!

Hello, I am so excited
to be here tonight.

This is my third time hosting
"SNL" and -- thank you.

It's been a while.

It's been ten years.

And I have been pretty
busy doing movies.

I actually have one
coming out soon.

Steve, can I ask a question?

Yeah, okay.

I guess we're doing
questions, sure.

First of all, big fan.

I love all of your movies.

Oh, thank you.

My question is, will you
ever reboot "the office"?

No, actually, I don't think so.

It was a great experience.

I love all of those people but I
just don't think it is the best


I think maybe we should
just leave it alone.


Next question.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, Steve.


Are you kenan or are you
playing a fake audience member?

I'm kenan.

Believe me, dude, if I was
acting, you would know it.

Anyway, I just wanted say I also
think you should reboot "the

office." Thanks, okay.

But you know what, it would be
like if someone wanted you to

reboot "kenan and kel." right?

That would be an honor.

Well fine, but for me, I just
don't think it would be as good

this time around.

I think the fans
would be let down.

But thank you.

Next question.

Yeah, hi, Steve -- oh, hi!

Ellie kemper, wow, hi!


People would really love
too see an "office" reboot.


That's what I mean.

I need that money!

Let's get that money, Steve!

I'm sorry, Ellie, I just
don't think it's a good idea.

You're a jerk.



Ed, ed helms, hi!



It's so great to see you.

It's great to see you too.

I just don't think you
understand just how much money

we're talking about.

Like you wouldn't have to do
all of those sad movies anymore.

I don't do those movies for
money, I like doing them.

Yeah, but you could all
make some serious money.


You're an audience member,
this isn't about you.

And, ed, why don't we
just have a party instead?

We can all catch
up, get together.

No cameras, just friends?

Oh, we already do that.

We just don't invite you.

Okay, wow.

Thanks, man.

Steve -- Jenna!

My god!

Steve, do you remember the
last words that Pam secretly

whispered to Michael
as she left for Denver?

Not really.


She said, "Steve, don't be dick,
do the reboot." I don't remember

that at all.

Well I do.

Don't you want to see what Pam
and Jeff are up to these days?

It's Pam and Jim.

Who cares?

Why are you getting
hung up on the details.

Let's just do the damn thing.

No, please -- honey, honey.

Oh, it's my wife,
Nancy, and my kids.

Hi, guy!

Annie and Johnny
and Nancy, say hi.


We think you should
probably do the show.

Honey, I just don't want to
spend that much time away from

you guys.

Well, we don't really need you
to hang around anymore, right,


We're good.

Are you serious?

Yeah, we're fine.

No problem.

Hey, you guys want to go?

Let's go.

Are you not even going
to watch the show?

No, see you later.

Okay, all right.

Well, thanks.

Feels like everybody
wants this to happen.

Do you guys want to
see an "office" reboot?

Come on up on stage.

All right.

No, no, not you.

You're not part of this.

All right, I'm proud to announce
officially that we have a great

show tonight!

Ella mai is here.

So stick around, and
we'll be right back!

Kids, kids, wake up.

I have big news!

Dad, it's 5:00 in the morning.

Why is dad in here?

Because it's time for
you to pack your bags.

We're going to Disney world.

Disney world!

Oh, that's so nice, but you
don't have to cheer us up.

We already know
that mom's leaving.

She what?

Don't worry.

Yeah, we're fine with it.

It's okay, we've known
for a really long time.

What are you talking about?

Oh, my god, does he not know?

No, no, no, no, he has to know.

He would be an idiot
if he didn't know.

The whole town knows.

It's in the newspaper.

The messed-up part is dad is the
one that introduced each of them

to one another?


What's happening?

Oh, my god, is he that dumb?


He didn't even notice
when the cat ran away,

we replaced it with a dog.


My cat.

What is wrong with him?

Have some respect.

I am your father --
mine, not technically.

What does that mean?

I mean, how can we know all of
this it and our dad has no idea.

You mean your dad!

All right, how about this, why
don't you tell me what the hell

is going on here and I will
still take you to Disney world.

We were just at Disney world.

You were?

Yeah, for Jeremy's birthday.


Does he not know our names?

Wait, wait.

If you were at
Disney, where was I?

We assumed you were coming but
then we realized mom didn't

invite you.

And and we were like why are we
at Disney world with dad's boss?

Yeah, is dad as boss Ron going
to be with us the whole trip?

It was pretty clear he and
mom were sleeping together.

I'm so confused, I
can scream right now.

Actually, why are we whispering?

I don't want to
wake up your mother.

Dad, she's definitely not here.


Yeah, she's been
gone for a month.

She lives in Arizona with Ron,
and in four days, so will we.

Oh, I'd love to go to Arizona.

I've never seen the ocean.

Dad, and I mean this, what
the hell is wrong with you?



Listen, I have something
to tell you guys.

Things haven't been
going well with your mom.

I think she might
be cheating on me.

Oh, man, I can't do this again.

Maybe with my friend Dave.

It's Ron!


Shh, don't wake up Ron.

But I'm giving up.

Because you kids
are four miracles.

You're my miracles.

Especially since your mother
and I have only done it twice.

All right, dad, I
think that's enough.

Okay, you're right.

I'm going to go to bed.

I have a big day today.

Gonna surprise my kids
with a trip to Disney!

And now a message from
Amazon's ceo Jeff bezos.

Hi, everyone.

As you know, Amazon just
announced the location of its

two new headquarters in
New York and Virginia.

And everyone, except for the
people who live there and the

people who live in all of
the places we didn't choose,

is thrilled.

Some folks have speculated that
I was somehow trolling President

Trump by building one
headquarters in his hometown of

queens and the other in his
current residence of Washington,

D.C., thereby overshadowing
or humiliating him.

But that's simply not true.

Sure, he attacked me
repeatedly on Twitter,

but I chose our new locations
because they were ideal for a

growing business, not just to
make Donald Trump think about

how I'm literally 100
times richer than he is.

We needed access to a
young, educated workforce,

which is why we set up a
satellite office in palm beach,

Florida, across the
street from mar-a-lago.

And did I purchase
"the Washington post"?


But it wasn't just to run
headlines like the White House

is in a meltdown or lawyers
suing "the apprentice" for

President Trump's
use of the n-word.

And I also like
the style section.

But the real reason I wanted to
talk to you today has nothing to

do with Donald Trump, who
publicly attacked our company

for exploiting the post office.

I'm here to announce a brand-new
delivery option that doesn't

involve the post office
at all, Amazon caravan.

Any package going to Trump's
building will get delivered by

hundreds of Honduran immigrants
and I will pick up the bill.

Unless you order this book,
because that costs more I guess

it's heavier.

I guess that's the only
book with four chapter 11s.

Testing has shown customers find
drones scary and impersonal.

That's why I'm outfitting each
and every drone with human hair.

The style of the hair
was completely random.

I just wanted something that
looked so silly and everybody

knew it was fake and the drove
should just give up and shave

his head like a real man would.

And I want to make sure to give
back to the new communities for


That's why I'm purchasing a
building in queens that used to

be the crown Jewel of Fred
Trump's real estate empire and

converting it into
public urinals.

And in Virginia, we'll be very
close to Arlington national

cemetery so we can pay our
respect to fallen veterans,

even when it's raining outside.

Thanks to Mr. Trump, Amazon's
future is brighter than ever.

This has been a
sickburn by Jeff bezos.

Oh, my goodness, the food
looks and smells amazing.

Charles, you made it.

Stop fishing for compliments.

Well it does look great.

Yeah, what are we waiting for?

Let's eat.



Hey, listen.

Thanks for letting me tag
along to friendsgiving.

Hey, I'm a straggler too.

That's what neighbors are for.

Yeah, I second that.

I'm secretly kind of happy that
my flight was canceled because

I'm afraid of my parents
dog, like a poodle wolf,

knocks me down,
and dominates me.

That's weird.

You know what I've
been thinking about,

there are no Thanksgiving songs.

Are there none?

There are some.

What about "coming
around the mountain"?

Yeah right.

Like the rock song.




I guess that proves there's
no famous Thanksgiving songs.

No, no.

This one's famous.

You know it.

Caught his eye on Turkey day
as we both make pumpkin pie she

flashed a little smile my way
can she tell I am shy Yes,

that's it, yes!


No, I definitely
don't know that one.

Why don't we just eat?

No, no, you know it.

Hey, you sing the girl parts,
and I'll sing the guy parts.

Great, yeah, we'll sing it,
and then they'll know it.


You don't have to do this.

We don't need to know.

I took his hand she took my hand
we walked into the shed you two

don't know each other?


Our clothes came off we never
said a word my thing got scared

and my face god red This
is not a Thanksgiving song.

Why, what do you mean?

No, well, it takes
place on Turkey day,

it's actually kind of a --
together: Cool, sad story.

His thing got scared?

Yeah, cause he's shy.



Okay, we trust you, it's that
famous Thanksgiving rock song.

You know what, you'd know it
if you like heard the music.

Oh, you know what?

I saw a synthesizer in the
closet when I was hanging up my



You know what, I don't think
that has any batteries actually.

I have double as right here.

Oh, great.

Here we go.

Are you ready?

Yeah, yeah.

side by side in the nude that's
how we spent our night never

touching sometimes crying
pretending we're all right his

thing woke up for just a sec but
then got scared again the sun

came up the squirrel watching we
laughed and cried again then --

yeah, there's a spoken part.

Spoken part.

It's morning, I have to go.

But I'm embarrassed.

I failed you!

Are they German?

Yeah, they don't even
have Thanksgiving there.

You didn't fail me.

You tried your best,
and I love you.


Wait, wait, wait,
what's your name?


What a Turkey day night!

I never saw her face again and
she never saw his thing now

every Turkey day that comes they
have this cool rock song to sing

so you know this?

Yes, I guess I do!

Oh wait, is it this?

Now every Turkey day that comes
they think of how they missed

their chance our lives are short
our love is real now we do the

Turkey dance our lives are short
and love is real now we do the

Turkey dance Oh!

I can't believe we
all knew that song.

Or maybe it was just the
magic of Thanksgiving.

Wait, where did she go?

She's gone.

Just like the song.

Where did your friend go, Beth?

She wasn't with me.

I thought you knew her.


Well, she was the
love of my life.

Well, our car keys are gone.

And didn't you have a TV there?

I think she stabbed me!

Does that look like a stab?

It does.

Life is short and love is rare
Stop singing, call the police!

We do the Turkey dance
I' bleeding real bad.

I'm bleeding bad.


Yo, this country man or woman.

It's crazy.


You know there's only like one
lady holding the whole damn

thing together, right?

And you think some broken ribs
are going to keep her down?

Hell no, and hell no.

Live ginsburg and I ride.

This is you, rbg.

live ginsburg and I ride for
ginsburg okay live ginsburg for

ginsburg okay live ginsburg and
I ride for ginsburg okay live

ginsburg and I ride for ginsburg
okay live ginsburg and I ride

for ginsburg her name's rbg
and she born in bk running the

supreme court killing it since
33 she went to law school she

was first in her class if she
ever wants a date I plead the

court on she was out there on
the strip okay telling Trump to

Kiss my buns!

fighting for women's rights
equal rights she the she work

for presidents Jimmy Carter Bill
Clinton she's experienced as she

should be president because
I live ginsburg so I ride for

ginsburg Where Brooklyn at?

the court is the stage write
dissent that throws shade tell

Trump stay out her way don't
with my roe v Wade Precedents.

supreme courts a boys club she
holds it down no cares given who

else got six movies about them
and still living she's brass

knuckles tough her scared got to
be kidding pour one out for my

retired homie Anthony Kennedy
survived the depression and

Twitter attacks from Trump
broken rib cage stop her before

she eats that for lunch
now you know who I am.

She snaps on these bars like the
gins at a bar exam ya putz live

ginsburg and I ride for ginsburg
live ginsburg and I ride for

ginsburg Now you
know we love rbg.

Yo, tell them your
favorite rbg decision dog.

I don't know.

Come on!


Hello, earthlings
and happy space day.

Captain ed mcgovern broadcasting
live from the international

space station, to 5,000 k
through 8 science classrooms

across the U.S.A.

I'm joined by lieutenant
sussman and Becker.



There's also some Russian
cosmonauts on board.

Party up here.

Let's get back to work.

Get back to work, bums.



I can't wait to answer some of
your questions about space and


Let's start with Paulson
middle skoo in Connecticut.

Hi, what kind of experiments
are you doing up there?

Great question.

We are actually studying how
animals adapt to space and have

funny monkeys out
here to help us out.

Thank you for your
question, star student.

Oh, next -- okay, god, mother
of -- oh, what happened?

Sorry about that.

What happened?

There was an airlock
breach in the biolab.

Got a little chilly in there
but everything is okay now.

Are the animals all right?

What's up?

Are the animals all right?

I need you right now.


Well, I Apollo-gise about that.

Let's get back to questions.

How about tillman middle
school in laramie, Wyoming.

Hi, this is Haley like the comet
and like eminem's daughter.

Um, how big is
the space station?

That's a great question.

It's about 32,000 square feet.

Now, down this way there is a
long corridor that wiepds into

several work and
living stations.

Kind of like a floating
hamster habitat.

Thanks, Haley, make sure
you comet to your studies.

Okay, let's go to orchard
middle school in Ohio.

Hi, my students and I wanted to
ask how you guys make food up

there but we'd like to
change our question to,

is that frozen monkey okay?

What monkey?



This little guy, it's capooka.

What are you doing?

Yikes, he is cold!

Wave hello, to everybody.

Hang on -- oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

Oh, god!

No, no, no, no.

Okay, good-bye, capooka!

Teachers out there, if you can
mute your classroom TV for just

a sec while I attend
to some space business,

that would be great.

So hit mute now.

Sussman, what's going
on with the monkeys?

They all froze.

They all froze?

They all froze?

Yeah, ki chi hit a
wall and shattered.

Oh, ki chi and the cat?

The cat is weird, the pressure
change like caused its face to

suck into itself.

It's really weird
good news, he's alive.

That's not good news!

There's a cat with no
face floating around!

How bad is it down there?

Come look.

Cat ain't have no damn face.

What do you want me to do?

Just go seal off node four.

And find Svetlana.

Yes, sir.

Oh, god!

Please be aware of your feet.

Shoes touched my mouth.


Welcome back.

Now, here's a fun fact.

We are 234 miles above
the earth's surface.

And the view isn't half bad.

Come closer here.

Let's take a look at that
beautiful blue marble.

Look at that.

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!


Oh, kids, don't worry.

Don't worry.

That cosmonaut is fine.

The Russians are
used to being cold.

Sussman, get on the crane.

Oh, my god.

She's so frozen,
she might break.

Don't say, that please!

Now, kids, what lieutenant
sussman is trying to do -- He's

trying to give her just a little
nudge back towards the hatch.

Oh, man!

Sir, if I do get her, it's
going to be in pieces.

Try harder, and don't
say that, please.

I'm sorry, kids, this
is a bad day for space.



Who wants to hear a space joke?

What is an astronaut's
favorite drink?

A root beer float!

Oh, my god, she's
breaking like a saltine!

Will you cut the god damn feed!

Ladies and gentlemen, Ella mai.

feelings so deep
in my feelings no,

this ain't really like me can't
control my anxiety feeling,

like I'm touching the ceiling
when I'm with you I can't

breathe boy, you do something to
me now I'll never get over you

until I find something new that
get me high like you do yeah

yeah now I'll never get over you
until I find something new that

get me high like you do
listen my to heart go ba-dum,

boo'd up biddy-da-dum, boo'd
up hear my heart go ba-dum,

boo'd up biddy-da-dum it
just won't stop it go ba-dum,

boo'd up biddy-da-dum, boo'd
up hear my heart go ba-dum,

boo'd up biddy-da-dum
it just won't stop,

it go how many ways can I say
that I need you baby it's true I

think I might die without you
feeling all over my body you

know how I like it ain't
gotta tell you what to do,

yeah yeah now I'll never get
over you until I find something

new that get me
high like you do,

yeah yeah now I'll never get
over you until I find something

new that get me high like you
do listen my to heart go ba-dum,

boo'd up biddy-da-dum, boo'd
up hear my heart go ba-dum,

boo'd up biddy-da-dum it just
won't stop, it go ba-dum,

boo'd up biddy-da-dum, boo'd
up hear my heart go ba-dum,

boo'd up biddy-da-dum
it just won't stop,

it go head over heels in love
right in front of you ain't

gotta look no more baby I wanna
build this love and everything

you want you ain't gotta
ask for you got me boo'd up,

boo'd up told you from the jump
I'm the one to choose got me

boo'd up, boo'd up grab me by
the waist baby pull me closer

now I'll never get over until
I find something new that

get me high like you do, yeah
yeah now I'll never get over you

until I find something new that
get me high like you do listen

my to heart go ba-dum,
boo'd up biddy-da-dum,

boo'd up hear my
heart go ba-dum,

boo'd up biddy-da-dum it just
won't stop, it go ba-dum,

boo'd up biddy-da-dum, boo'd up
hear my heart go ba-dum boo'd up

biddy-da-dum it just won't stop,
it go It's "weekend update" with

Colin jost and Michael che.

What's up, everyone?

Welcome to "weekend
update." I'm Colin jost.

And I'm Michael che.

Amazon has announced it will be
opening its second headquarters

in queens, new York,
and Arlington, Virginia,

after it accidently left
both cities in its cart.

A lot of new yorkers are worried
about the impact Amazon will

have on queens, but I'm more
worried about the impact queens

will have on Amazon.

By the way, only new yorkers
could complain about getting

25,000 new jobs.

All of the cities who lost out
must have been like "shut up you

whiny bitches." We're
complaining about winning the

lottery, meanwhile in like,
wheeling, West Virginia,

they're like, "okay.

Well, back to the mines." I
know it's going to raise housing

prices in queens but it's a
little late for new yorkers to

complain about rent.

Even Amazon had to move to
queens because it couldn't

afford to live in Manhattan.

Election officials in Florida
said the ballot machines in

Florida overheated
accounting for miscounts.

Word, they overheated in 2018.

I have a watch that counts every
step I take and let's me watch

porno on the treadmill for
motivation but your voting

machines can't handle
a little recount?

How come the IRS doesn't
have these problems?

I would love to hear we didn't
count your taxes this year

because our abacus
is busted again.

They make it so simple to pay
taxes but to vote we have to

line up on a Tuesday in November
like geerting meat rations in

the 1930s.

A county in Florida became the
first local government in the

state's history to elect
an all-lgbtq government.

For more on this story, bring
it up to your grandpa at


On Friday President Trump
held the presidential medal of

freedom ceremony and
gave one to babe Ruth,

because he knew that no living
baseball player would actually

show up.

Whose side are you on?

Babe Ruth's?

President Trump announced that
Republicans and democrats have

agreed on a criminal
justice reform bill.

You know, you can always tell
who a politician is conning by

which minorities are
standing behind them.

As soon as I saw the
black dudes there,

I was like this is going
to be about prison.

Anyway, this prison reform
is actually a good thing,

which is confusing because
it's coming from Donald Trump,

you know, Mr. Lock her up.

Mr. Drug dealers should
get the death penalty.

In execute the
central park five.

Now all of a sudden he's
Johnnie Cochran somehow.

I know this is a good thing but
this is coming from a bad place.

Like when you buy baby
clothes from a crackhead.

It's a good deal but at
the same time you're like,

but this dude sells
close for a baby?

Six weeks before the wikileaks
before Hillary Clinton's

campaign, this man who I believe
runs a carnival, Roger stone,

received a text that Hillary
Clinton's campaign is going to

die this week, although the
actual moment her campaign died

is when she said this --
pokemon go to the polls!

I don't know.

I bet Trump is hoping she will
peek-a-choose to run again.

Peek-a-choose to run again.

One of the strangest stories is
that Denver riggleman admitted

to being a devote heee
of big foot erotica.

This is an actual picture
he posted on Instagram.

Here to clear things up is
congressman Denver riggleman.

Thank you, thank you, Michael.

As I said 500 times before, that
picture was a joke between buds

and I'm not that stuff.

Okay, but in the caption you
said that was cover art for a

book you were writing.

Did you write a big foot porn?

Okay, so porn is a
cheap thrill, Michael.

I write as a joke
big foot erotica,

where the sexual scenes come
out of story and character,

and the sex is earned,
and therefore hotter.

And if you have read my
forbidden forest trilogy,

you would know that.

But you -- you wrote three --
you wrote three big foot porn

books as a joke?

Yes, as I joke!

And it's not porn, okay, it's
a story about the love affair

between wildlife photographer
Stephanie Knox and a sasquatch

as pursued by billionaire
trophy hunter Jake Blakely.

I mean, come on now, does this
sound like I'm being serious?


As Stephanie knocks, bathed
in the forest stream,

the moonlight bounced off her
pert breasts and firm rear end.

You're going to
like this coming up.

Went on the shore she caught
sight of an enormous creature

watching her.

He was not quite human.

Damn straight.

But not quite not either.

Though fear flashed across her
face but between her legs she

felt a familiar churning, the
faint, throb, itch of desire.

Mine, come on, that's
such a joke, man!

It's so hot.

I don't know, man.

It doesn't really
sound like a joke.

Okay, whatever.

But listen to this.

As the sasquatch rled
off Stephanie, exhausted,

he could tell he was embarrassed
for not satisfying her.

No, no shame -- she whispered.

I teach you.

Oh, che, this is amazing.

Oh, sorry.

Come on, man.


He grunted back -- >> hold on.

You invented a whole
sasquatch language?

As a joke!

Shh, be quiet,
here it comes, man.

All right.

The passion was so loud, neither
could hear the faint helicopter

blades bleeding
over the treeline.

Jake Blakely had
picked up their trail.

I hate Jake Blakely.

You read this?

As a joke!

Thank you!

Denver riggleman, everybody.

Thank you, as a
joke, as a joke, man.

As a joke.

As a joke.

Post cereal has announced they
will be making a new sour patch

kids flavored cereal.

It's a great way to start the
morning off on the right foot

because the left foot
was taken by diabetes.

Aviation officials report that
two Irish pilots claim that they

saw an unidentified
flying object.

But keep in mind, Irish pilot
is also the highest reading on a


A luxury candy company in
Chicago will soon start selling

Ruby chocolates and they're
gonna get sued because Ruby

chocolate is my drag name.

Walt Disney world removed a
man from the park as he waved a

Trump 2020 danner
on splash mountain.

The man also demanded to
separate it's a small world kids

from their families.

And ironically, the man had
snuck into the park through

epcot's Mexico pavilion.

The annual New York City taxi
calendar has been released

featuring pictures of
topless cab drivers.

While a calendar of uber drivers
is available on the sex offender


A lesbian couple made medical
history by each taking turns

carrying their baby's
embryo in their wombs.

It was a totally equal effort,
said the one who didn't have to

give birth.

British police are asking a
woman who hid more than $300,

000 worth of cocaine inside
her daughter's candy.

Authorities became suspicious
when they noticed the daughter

is still trick-or-treating.

The NBA season is one month
old, and one of the biggest old,

and one of the biggest stories
is the Los Angeles Lakers,

who are off to a slow start.

Here to talk about it is father
of Lakers point guard lonzo

ball, lavar ball.

What's up Michael?

How are you doing, Michael?

I'm incredible.

You've been outspoken about your
son lonzo playing more minutes.

How is he doing?


He acht no rookie no more.

Now it's his time, he's the king
of L.A., standing reservations

at spago.

Best friends with
Jack nicholason,

and he was just named the new
starlet at the adult video


You know, a lot of people say
LeBron James thinks you're a

distraction and doesn't
want you around the team.

Don't you tell me
about LeBron James!

Me and LeBron are best friends,
bffs, picnics in the park,

always on Sundays and always
from a respectable 500 feet


Would I never violate
the restraining order,

never with the violations.

Even with LeBron, the Lakers
are still off to a slow start.

Do you think they need
maybe more experience?

Hell no!

What they need is a great coach,
and I've got the perfect choice,



That's right.

I would be an
incredible coach, man.

The first thing I'm going do
is make some personnel changes.

We're going to be unstoppable
with the starting lineup of

LeBron, my older son lonzo,
my middle boy liangelo,

my youngest lamelo,
and more son,

who was recently rescued
from the matrix, lemorphous.

Now, your actual sons liangelo
and lamelo just spent a year

playing in Lithuania
on a team you created.

You're damn right,
big baller league.

How did they handle it?

What, how did they hand tell?

They loved it.

They could be rich
teenagers in L.A.

but instead they were in
the lovely town of villous,

living the big baller lifestyle.

Pierogi for breakfast, pierogi
for lunch and for dinner,

the burneyest cabbage
this side of Bucharest.

It will run right through
you like the river.

That sounds rough, man.

Are you jealous?

We ball out every day.

We signed a lucrative deal with
the biggest gamer in all of ¦

Lithuania, PlayStation 2.

And the balls just had their
grand finale game against the

London lions in britain's number
one sports venue -- Wembley


No, the cover box
arena in stratford.

This week, basketball.

Next week, a production of
"sweeney Todd." That was a long

way from coaching the Lakers.

How dare you?

My son owns that team.

He owns the city.

And he also owns the patent to
the only sneaker that tracks

your genealogy.

Introducing the 23s.

Track your genealogy,
how do they even work?


Just fill it up with spit and
in five to eight weeks tells you

your heritage with
5 to 18% accuracy.

Never really sure.

Never really sure.

Wow, girls, can you believe
it, we're juniors now.

1968 here we come.

Wow, sounds fun.

What's gotten into you?

Ever since I dropped
out of high school,

I just don't know what to do.

I wish I had a guardian
angel to guide me.

Oh, gosh, that sounds hard.

But I want to go to sleep now.

Good night.

Good night.

Typical Sammy.

Lost as usual.

hey, what was that?

Your story's sad to tell a
teenage ne'er do well most

mixed-up, nondelinquent
on the block Oh, wow.

your future's so unclear now
what's left of your career now

can't even get a trade-in on
your smile hi, there, Sammy.

Heard you were in
need of assistance.

Becky, Becky, wake up.

Is that who I think it is?


No way!

Dropped out of high school no
graduation day for you Is that

my dad?


Dad, what are you doing here?

Oh, hi, Becky.

Oh, my god.

Oh, okay, I thought so.

That is your dad.

Sweetheart, this is a surprise.

Yeah, well, where the
hell have you been?

We haven't heard from
you in like six weeks.

Mom misses you so much.

Honey, I -- I'm
doing singing now.

And giving teenage
girls great advice.


You never gave me advice.

You just told me to can it, and
then you would go water the lawn

and smoke cigarettes.

Becky, I don't know
what to tell you.

Life's a roller coaster.


Did you get a perm?

Can we talk about this later?

Right now Sammy needs me.

Excuse me.

La la la la baby don't worry
Ew, don't call her baby, Jesus!

Good lord, she's 15.

Do-dah woo-dah doo-dah damn it,
Becky, come on, I lost my place.

Now I look stupid in
front of this dropout.


I'm all flustered, Becky.

Can you leave my
eyeline, please?

No, dad, this is really bad.

It's not.

It's good.

I'm cool now.

I have a great voice.

I'm the best thing that's
ever happened to these teens.

Oh, no, dad, you're a
junior insurance salesman.

No, no, no!

I am a hunky angel, damn it!

What's happening?

I guess my dumb-ass dad tried
to sing at Sammy and it sucks.

Oh, yeah?

Does this sound like
a dumb-ass that sucks?

La la la la la la la la la no
you bangs are curled your lashes

twirled but still the
world is cruel oh, god,

what a small man you are.

Who the hell are these women?

These are nice ladies
that I have met.

That is such a bad answer.

Becky, I'm sorry if
I like summoned him.

I'm just going to
go back to school.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hold on, hold on.

You have to let me sing
and then you can say that.

I'm the angel here.

Oh, god, this is
a loser's fantasy.

I'm calling mom.

No, no.

Becky, sweetheart,
don't do that.


We can reach an
understanding, right?

What do you want
$40, cigarettes?

I have a gun in my car.

Would you like that?

Oh, my god, why
do you have a gun?

To protect these women!

Now, please let
me do the finale.

Got to be going to that malt
shop in the sky Good night,


See you in your dreams.

And oh, Sammy -- go back
to high school Well,

good to see you too, dad.

Once again, Ella mai.

oooh, yeah, yeah I put my
feelings on safety so I don't go

shooting where your heart be
'cause you take the bullet tryna

save me then I'm left to deal
with makin' you bleed and that's

a whole lotta love, ain't tryna
waste it like we be running 'em

out and never make it that's
just too bitter for words don't

wanna taste it that's just too
bitter for words don't wanna

face it I think that I'm done
tripping that's how I control

this feelin' you keep givin'
keep on hittin' it ooh,

oh maybe it's your love it's
too good to be true baby boy,

your love got me trippin' on you
you know your love is big enough

make me trip up on you yeah,
it's big enough got me trippin'

on you trip-trippin'
on you my bad,

my bad for trippin'
on you my bad,

my bad for trippin' on you boy,
you know we're cool and now

you're waitin' but I act a fool
when I don't get it and I'm

steady bruisin' just to save
this but I tripped on your love

now I'm addicted and that's a
whole lotta love ain't tryna

waste it like we be runnin' 'em
out and never make it that's

just too bitter for words don't
wanna taste it that's just too

bitter for words don't wanna
face it I think that I'm done

trippin' I've been sippin'
that's how I control this

feelin' you keep givin' you keep
on hittin' it maybe it's your

love it's too good
to be true baby boy,

your love got me trippin' on you
you know your love is big enough

make me trip up on you yeah,
it's big enough got me trippin'

on you trip-trippin'
on you my bad,

my bad for trippin'
on you my bad,

my bad for trippin' on you
trippin' on you that's some kind

of love baby trip, trip that's
the type of love make trip,

trip trippin' on you it's
big enough make me trip,

trip it's big
enough got me trip,

trip tripping on you I'm done
trippin' I'm trip-trippin' I've

been sippin' that's how I
control this feelin' you keep

givin' you keep on hittin' it
maybe it's your love it's too

good to be true baby boy, your
love got me trippin' on you you

know your love is big enough
make me trip up on you yeah,

it's big enough got me trippin'
on you trip-trippin' on you my

bad, my bad for
trippin' on you my bad,

my bad for trippin'
on you my bad,

my bad for trippin'
on you honey,

I just heard the kids pull up.

Hey, my babies!

Oh, there they are!

You found us!


How are you?

Good to see you.

How are you?


Wow, mom and dad.

Wow, you weren't kidding.

This is definitely an rv.

Yeah, yeah.

They're also so similar.

We found you by your
license plate, ex-banker.

Yeah, ex-banker.

Ex-interior designer.

Current rvers.

Hard to believe.

Yeah, it's pretty cool.

Six months ago, I came
home and I told your mom,

I don't want to work
anymore and she said okay.

You were cool with that, mom?

Oh, yeah, I love it.




You know, it's so freeing
to purge your possessions.

You know, it just feels great.


Oh, yeah.

I just -- I love it.

I really, really do.


You know, it's so freeing
to purge your possessions.

I mean, we went from a 3,000
square foot home to basically a

room on top of a car.


I love it.

She loves it.

She loves it almost so much
I forget whose idea it was.

It was yours.

Yeah, daddy.

You really look like
you're in your element.

Oh, I sure am.

You know what?

I jogged butt naked around
the lake this morning.

Just socks, sneakers
and the wind on my sack.

Real man fun.

And you're having fun, mom?


I love it.

Mom, can you -- can you look
at us when you say that?

I love it.

Can you open your
eyes when you say it?

I love it.

I just love sitting back here.

Oh, you don't sit up front?

No, no, no.

That's where lady gray sits.

Who is lady gray?

Well, the love of our life.

Our great Dane, lady gray.

Come on in here, lady gray!


That's a good girl.


Lady gray sits up front because
she gets carsick back here.

I get carsick too,
but I love it.

Come here, lady gray!

Hi, girl.


Did you know a
dog can punch you?

Where does the dog sleep?

Oh, in your mom's bed.

Yeah, and I sleep like this.


So, where did you
get a great Dane?

From our new rv friend, jibs.

I'm coming.

Oh, there she is.


Did you call me?

We said your name, so yeah.

Yeah, jibs here showed us
how to work the dump station.

Well, let's just
say I'm well versed.

I showed my little Robin egg
here how to take the cupper hose

from the rv dump tank to the
vice clamp and the community

receptor tank.


well, your mom does that stuff.

She likes it.

It's the only thing
I really don't like.

I don't think mom
likes any of this.

Yeah, mom, you hate dogs.

I love it.

I don't think you do.

Oh, she does love
it, right, honey?

Yeah, I love it!

I love it!

Honey look at me in the face.

Honey, I love it.

Look, look at me in the eyes.

This is hell!

You're awful!

And I hate it!

I couldn't hate it more.

It's horrible.

It's horrible!

What are you trying to say?

I don't love any of it.

Is this a bad time to tell you
all lady gray is pregnant will

the aliens be joining us
for our Thanksgiving feast?

Oh, you mean the klergs, yeah.

Good, I look forward to trying
some of the local produce here

on argostein.

I love exotic foods.

Oh, look, it's the klergs.

Greetings, people of earth.

I am ruler ta, short for tank.

Father, should I
offer them the kern?

Yes, tutrisha, offer
them other kern.

Kern, what is kern?

Oh, it looks like out
corn but it's purple.

Yes, our kern is
much like your corn.

It has lots of tiny,
delicious cornels on it.

Oh, you mean kernels?

No, your corn has kernels
but our kern has cornels.

What a small,
fascinating universe.

It is customary for visitors
to partake of our kern.

It's for good fortune.

I guess this is the famous klerg
hospitality we've heard so much


I can't wait to enjoy the
tasty cornels of kern.

No, don't eat me!

This hurts me!

Is this kern talking?

Well, of course kern talks and
screams and that sort of thing.

It's delicious.

Is the kern alive right now?

No, these are just
the kern sounds,

the sound the kern makes.

This kern is so good, y'all!

Ow, my body!


Please stop eating me!

Linda, stop eating the kern.

Just one more bite.

Lady, my body, my body!

Stop eating my body!

Linda, it maying conscience!

I'm sorry, it reminds me
of my earth logistics.

Techniques of eating
corn on the cob.

You mean kern on the curb?

I want to try to
communicate with it.


It has no ears to hear.

Kern is to be eaten,
not listened to.

Please, let me try.

Hello, can you hear me?

We are from earth.

We mean you no harm.

Excuse me, ta, I need
to speak to my crew.

Ta said it's customary to
eat the kern from the klergs.

For good fortune.

What a perfect scheme.

But actually, we're helping
the klergs wipe out the kern.

Follow me lead.

I have a plan.

Ruler tay.

More kern, captain?

No, tay.

No more kern.

This stops today.

Corporal, guard the kern!

No, return our kerns!

I don't think so, tay.

Captain, this kern is delicious!

It's good, right?

Yeah, it's good!

Let's all eat!

Everyone, let's eat the kern!

You will reach your
destination in six hours.

This is the worst, miles of gray
highway with this monoton lady

giving directions.

How about we switch
modes on the GPS.

Switch modes/.

Yeah, look, there's American
male, American female,

and this one --
drag entertainer.

Well, that sounds
unusual and fun.

Yes, queen, I'm gagging on this
scenic byway I'm giving you.

Introducing cp-ya, with the
popularity of rupaul's drag

race, charmin has extended our
voice options to include drag


Let's gp-ya turn your
unstimulating trip into a

sickening one.

Look, honey, the icons for
the car is a glamour link


Entering school zone!

Bitch, slow your ass down so you
don't squash a child flat like a


Even the warnings are enjoyable.

I can't see the map,
but I don't care.

Gp-ya keeps updated on traffic
alerts and disaster areas.

Disaster area up ahead!

It's a damn Van.

Oh, honey, I think
you missed the exit.

Turn around.

Turn around!

You go, girl.

What did I say?

You arrived!

Just make it fun and free you're
gonna live forever follow me to

the ends of the earth we're
going it together yes,

yes Gp-yasss, sold in any town
where there's still a circuit