Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 44, Episode 21 - Paul Rudd/DJ Khaled - full transcript
Paul Rudd hosts and DJ Khaled is the musical guest.
And now, a message from the
president of the United States.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
I'm very excited about summer,
getting around that those things
I never have time for.
Golf.
Visiting friends in prison.
Enjoying all the fantastic new
tariffs with China.
Been an incredible year for our
economy, our American economy is
on fire.
I'm going to tell you if it's a
fire that keeps you warm or
burns your house to the ground.
But it's some kind of fire.
So I'm on cruise control to a
second term and there's nothing
the democrats in congress can do
about it.
So sit back and enjoy the ride,
America, because tonight, well,
opportunity I'm going to have a
real good time.
♪ he feels alive
and the world
I'll turn it inside out
yeah ♪
♪ and float around
in ecstasy
so don't stop him now ♪
♪ don't stop him
cause he's having a good time
having a good time ♪
♪ he's a lose Cannon
rippin' up the laws
of society
you can't subpoena him ♪
♪ he's gunna obstruct
he's a billionaire
unless you take a look
at his tax returns ♪
♪ he's going to hide
hide hide
there's no showing you ♪
♪ I'm burning every page
picking every fight
but they call him bad advice
cause he listen to ♪
♪ the fox news guys
I want to make a super
straight man out of you ♪
[ Laughter ]
♪ Don't stop us now
we're having such
a good time ♪
I'm having a ball!
♪ Don't stop us now
you wanna huge distraction
just give yeezy a call man ♪
♪ don't stop us now
we're having a good time
don't stop us now
we're having a good time ♪
♪ we don't wanna stop at all
get the supreme court
ready for a fight on abortion
we got the most now ♪
♪ women are screwed
it was an issue you thought
got resolved 50 years ago
but no, no, no ♪
♪ all men are still in control
search your Bible guide now ♪
♪ he's throwing stones and he
lives in a big glass house ♪
♪ he cheated on
every spouse
I want to make a chik-fil-a
man out of you ♪
[ Laughter ]
♪ Don't stop me
don't stop me ♪
♪ don't stop me
don't stop me ♪
Do you guys like tariffs?
♪ don't stop me
don't stop me ♪
hundred bucks for a tomato?
♪ Don't stop me
don't stop me ♪
♪ I ain't sweatin' it ♪
♪♪♪
Oh he's throwing out the lies
yeah one tweet at a time he's
got the best brightest guys
that's why most of them are
serving time I want to make a
crazy sexy man out of you ♪
♪
what are you doing?
I'm sorry, this queen music
gets me all riled up.
Hey dad, why weren't we
invited to sing?
Yeah.
Son.
And Eric.
[ Laughter ]
I'm sorry I forgot about you
guys.
I want to sing the song too.
All right, Eric, go ahead.
♪ It's time to
play the music
it's time to
light the lights ♪
♪ it's time to
meet the muppets
on the muppet show tonight ♪
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
I need to invite the three
white players over from
McDonald's.
Wait a second.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I have something very important
to say to the American people.
Something they need to hear.
No collusion, no obstruction.
♪ Don't stop me now
it's a good time
to try and impeach
don't stop us now ♪
♪ we might even get rid of
freedom of speech
don't stop us now
we're having a good time ♪
♪ don't stop us now
we're having a good time
we don't want to stop
at all ♪♪♪
Guys, it's been fun.
I don't know what's next for me,
but I wouldn't be Donald Trump
if I didn't say tune in next
season to see who lives and who
dies.
[ Laughter ]
Spoiler, I live.
I live for another 150 years.
And the iron throne will be
mine.
Have a wonderful summer,
America.
And live from New York, it's
"Saturday night"!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Musical guest --
dj khaled.
And your host --
Paul rudd.
♪♪♪
♪♪♪
Ladies and gentlemen --
Paul rudd.
♪♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you.
Thank you, thank you so much.
I am so thrilled to be hosting
the season finale of "Saturday
night live."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hands down the most anticipated
finale of this weekend.
[ Laughter ]
You know, I've hosted this show
a few times now.
And what I've learned is that
these monologues, they should be
a little funny, but they should
also be heartfelt, sort of like
a best man's speech at a
wedding.
And, well, tonight I would like
to be your best man.
So could we maybe get some
champagne out here, something
warm and flat?
Thank you.
Hello.
Wow.
Goodness.
They're tall.
When I officially first met
"SNL" in 2008, I was like, this
guy is crazy.
You were doing sketches about
some guy named Barack.
I hadn't done a marvel movie yet
so I was still treating people
pretty well.
Times have changed.
Not a lot of people know this,
but you and I, we used to kind
of make out.
I think we have some pictures of
that.
There we are.
Oh, man, were we nuts.
"SNL," you used to be a real
dirty dog.
I think like a thousand people
have been on you.
I know that sounds gross but
hey, it was the '70s, '80s,
'90s, and whatever this is.
True story, I was
actually right outside of this
building on the night of the
very first episode of "SNL"
in 1975.
I remember, because I had just
turned 30.
And I was working as a vomit boy
at studio 54.
I thought, this isn't for me.
I thought I would be cleaning up
vomit, but I was way off.
So, I walked out.
I started running.
I found myself under a beautiful
sign that said "nbc."
Out walked a guy who called
himself lorne.
I went right up to him and I
said, "sir, one day I'll be
hosting your show."
And he said, "guards, do your
worst."
[ Laughter ]
Funny how life works.
After all of these years I knew
we'd always be here for each
other.
Whenever you needed a host, and
I needed to promote a movie.
Now I'm just so honored to be
hosting the finale of season 44.
So hey, cheers to you.
We've got a great show.
Dj khaled is here with like 200
friends.
So stick around.
We'll be right back.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪♪
Thank you all for coming.
I'm Dr. Markowitz with NASA and
this is Dr. Handly with the
institute for temporal
anomalies.
We're obviously very
interested in your story as
you're the first three people to
have experienced a verified time
travel event.
This is bananas.
I mean, we were just three buds
watching TV and now, we're
quantum pioneers.
Now please tell us how this
time portal appeared.
I got a three-month trial, we
were watching
ray Donovan on showtime, and I'm
a fan, I'm a sucker for flawed
heroes, good person, bad deeds,
that dichotomy is very rich to
me.
Wonderful.
But if you could focus on the
time travel.
Uh, right, yeah, well, me and
her, we was on the couch when
this glowing majestic gateway
appeared and we drifted into it.
And we found ourselves in a
gorgeous city made entirely of
crystal or something.
Yeah, and we were welcomed by
a group of people made up of
just all the races in the world
and they said, we are the
council of humanity, this is the
future.
It was so beautiful.
And you, miss Rafferty?
Yeah, a little different for
me, I must have been on the
wrong side of the portal or
something, because I wasn't so
much welcomed to the future as I
was violently sucked a million
years into the past.
I went to caveman times, man.
I got yanked so hard, my sweats
and my sneaks stayed in the
present.
So I land ass up face down in
the mud with my cooter and
tooter on full display.
And I'm thinking, "gosh, last
time I was in this position, I
got kicked out of Woodstock
'99."
and were there people there
to welcome you as well?
"People" is such a strong
word.
You know on the
evolution chart where you see
how the monkeys became human?
These guys hadn't hit the
halfway Mark yet.
Let's focus on what happened
in the future.
It was beautiful, I would
have wept but I was all cried
out from watching "nurse Jackie"
on showtime.
These two are walking around
wakanda, meanwhile, where I'm
at, it's the rise of the planet
of the apes, all 50 of these
hairy monkey people are rubbing
me with their butts.
It ain't exactly a tuscan
sunset.
Perhaps this was some sort of
primitive religious ritual?
Buddy, god had no part in
this.
They were marking me with their
scent.
And these guys weren't exactly
zestfully clean.
They zebra striped my t-shirt so
much, I looked like a foot
locker employee.
It's never easy making new
friends, right?
Noted.
And what happened next in the
future?
We was taken to this place
called the oculus and inside was
all these gateways to other
solar systems.
Each one was a planet they
had colonized.
I couldn't believe I was chosen
to witness this.
I too was chosen.
Chosen by the Alpha female to be
her new girlfriend.
She comes at me like a
silverback, right?
Ragdolls me.
And look, I really ain't into
ladies but if nothing else is
open, I'll eat at a taco bell,
you smell what I'm saying?
Yes, I think I do.
So anyway, this gal wants to
bond, right?
Do you mind, Dex?
She climbs on my back, right,
she starts picking at me,
looking for stuff to eat.
And unfortunately she's finding
a buffet.
So I guess the snack got her in
the mood because then she starts
like grinding into my head,
trying to mate with my hair, I
guess.
She's using my face for like a
handhold.
Then she goes back to eating,
climbs around the front and sees
my ear, which I guess she thinks
is some kind of vending machine
because she's just -- she's
candling.
But there ain't no wax.
Okay.
Then for the grand finale she
reaches down, she pops a finger
up her keester, and I'm like,
hey, curious Georgina, last
person to try that never saw his
wedding ring again.
Yes.
Thank you for that.
No problem.
And thank you, Dex.
Your jeans rug burned my
neck.
I got bushed, smushed by a
cave woman.
You'll live.
Now, how were you all brought
back to the present?
Umm, well, the portal opened
up, and the council said when
fear is replaced by trust, your
world will begin to change.
So then we were home.
Yeah.
It was the most amazing thing
that's ever happened to me.
Right up there with getting that
email that said you've been
selected for a free month of the
showtime channel.
See, that's piss in my
porridge because when I dove in
the portal to get home, still
pantsless, mind you, I landed
downward dog in a grand Hyatt
casino with my bean burrito in
Barry levine's face.
Who is Barry levine?
A young man who will never
forget his bar mitzvah.
We would like to take you all
for a medical exam.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Game of thrones, it's my
favorite show.
Houses, lots of wine, a big ass
wall, never miss an episode.
I didn't know you like game
of thrones.
I don't really like to talk
about my personal life.
I don't like that attention.
Okay.
Never miss an episode, I assume
some crows.
Pete, this is my friend gray
worm.
Oh, hey, what's up, man?
Did you say your last name is
worm?
You know nothing, Pete
Davidson.
I'm a penis.
You don't have to do a rap
about game of thrones just
because it's the most popular
show in the world right now.
What are you saying, if I'm
going to do an epic rap song for
the finale, it should be about a
TV show I like?
I don't think you should do a
rap at all.
My favorite TV show is Gracie
and Frankie.
Why?
One of the first ones to be
off of five seasons, sweet old
ladies is the reason.
You better grab a hanky, that's
what I'm talking about.
Grace and franky.
Dj khaled.
We the best.
Better than game of thrones.
Let me catch you up a little
bit on the smash hit, the
options, ain't that classic.
This is getting expensive.
You don't know what you're
missing, Craig t. Nelson, Ernie
Hudson.
They're both like 80 something,
riding hot air balloons like
it's nothing.
It sure is something.
Grace and Frankie.
They're different but they're
friends.
It's a nice show.
Dj khaled.
I changed it.
Now you just rap about whatever
your favorite TV show is.
Any show I want?
My favorite TV show is mother
[ Bleep ] grace and Frankie.
Season 4 is guest starring Lisa
kudrow.
Two graces are unusual.
Things starting cracking, grace
had that scooter accident.
That's the tip of the iceberg.
Grace and Frankie.
Remember, when he had that sleep
apnea?
That was crazy.
Frankie was sick and grace
might [ Bleep ] Mary Nick.
Grace and Frankie, best in the
game.
Dj khaled.
React.
I got a dragon you can sit on
right here.
All right.
It's time to play "what's
wrong with this picture."
[ Applause ]
Hello, everybody, I'm your host
Elliott pants.
Welcome to another round of
what's wrong with this picture.
The rules are simple.
All you got to do is look at a
picture, tell me what's wrong
with it.
If you're right, you might win a
Toyota beef.
The first car for thick boys.
Contestants, are you ready to
play?
Gina?
Yes, daddy.
I don't like that.
Steven.
I didn't come here to make
friends, but I would like it to
happen.
Okay.
Louis?
What's up?
I'm introducing you.
Oh, thank you.
Okay.
I guess this is who is available
at 2:00 P.M. on a weekday.
Let's go to your first puzzle.
Who can tell me what's wrong
with this picture?
There's something very wrong
with this picture.
Can you spot it?
Oh, I got it.
They're siblings who know they
shouldn't have kissed.
What?
No.
That's not close.
Oh, man.
Louis.
Her hair has too many shrimps
in it.
I'm sorry.
Did you say shrimp?
By her ears are shrimp.
No, those are her pig tails.
Yeah.
That's not shrimp.
Getting a little worried about
this.
Gina.
He's pointing at her butt
door and explaining its
features.
No.
Something in this picture is
physically impossible.
They're gay.
What?
Boys and girls can't be gay
on each other.
That don't work.
Has to be the same.
No.
I'll give you a hint.
Something is missing in the
picture.
Louis.
Love.
Plus the knockers behind them
don't have nipples.
Okay.
That's a bush.
That's inappropriate.
Can you really not see it?
The swing is missing a rope.
Then why are they smiling?
Because his jeans leave very
little to the imagination and
they like that.
Well, that made me angry.
All right.
Here is your next picture.
Gina.
Yeah, I got it.
She's 4 years old but the
boobies grew too fast.
Oh, my god, no.
The twins are in the fish
tank and she can't get out.
That is not a fish tank, that
is a mirror.
Then where are all the fish?
I hate you.
Steven.
Oh, I see it now.
The answer is she just did
blackface and got away with it.
The only problem is she got the
job.
Now what?
No.
Now, stop it.
The reflection is wearing a
belt.
It's wearing a belt.
All right, next.
Oh, I know.
Her chair is empty because she
just got raptured.
But once she got up there, god
did a twirl and his robe flew up
and she thinks she saw his
thing.
Gross!
Wrong.
The objects come to life at
night but the only problem is
they're poor.
For the love of --
that computer has a virus and
I hate to tell you but it's
aids.
Uh, are you okay, Mr. Pant?
No.
And it's pants.
Look at that.
What is that?
A date tent?
That is not a tent.
There is no such thing as June
31st.
Okay.
We're doing exactly one more of
these.
What's wrong with this picture?
Oh, she's wearing
rollerblades instead of ice
skates.
Oh, my god, that's right.
And I think it's my wife.
Can I say hi?
That is a drawing.
This has been what's wrong with
this picture.
What are you doing?
We got to start screening
these people.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Ladies and gentlemen,
dj khaled.
[ Cheers and applause ]
They were saying I would
never do "SNL."
So I'm doing "SNL" season
finale.
Another one.
♪ Jealous jealous ♪
put your hands in the sky
like this.
Make some noise for Lil Wayne.
♪ You mad or you jealous
you sad or you settle
the brighter the rainbow
the badder the weather ♪
♪ the good with the bad
but the badder the better
bring my sand to the beach
and to the desert ♪
♪ we fell from the heavens
we landed like feathers
the roads and the rubble
keep your nose ♪
♪ out of petals
your -- know my schedule
and my -- know I'm special
they know not to question ♪
♪ you know I'm not Alexa
she post a pic of me and
her from off her iPad
you know them ♪
♪ don't like that
where the likes at
jealousy is a disease
you can die man ♪
♪ tunchi, Sean, c.B.
Khaled have that ♪
♪ I need some loving ♪
♪
Hands like this and shake it.
♪ and I'm the one
don't let no one
change your mind
girl they just jealous ♪
♪ jealous jealous
don't want us
together-gether-gether
girl they just jealous ♪
♪ jealous jealous
don't want us
together-gether-gether
these jealous jealous ♪
♪ I can't relate to
the type to follow you
but hardly follow through
you say I'm on your mind ♪
♪ I'm wondering why
I'm not on you
girl you fresh
out the shower ♪
♪ towel around your head
like you're erykah badu
it's lookin' like a spa day
I'm re-arranging chakras ♪
♪ listenin' to sade
let's take a road trip and
get high on the highway
migrate spend time ♪
♪ laid back watch
the sky change
whoa
and I hear the jealousy ♪
♪ but look I never listen
the quickest way to let
something die is
lack of attention ♪
♪ and you got it all
you lookin' good
as my intentions
we on an ascension ♪
♪ straight up
another one.
I go by the name of dj khaled,
father of asahd.
And tonight we make more
history.
It's we the best music.
It's rock nation.
It's
epic records.
Everything I love.
Make some noise for jeremih.
Dj khaled.
♪ Why oh, why ♪
♪ cry every night ♪
Make some noise for meek Milly.
♪ I don't know how you do it
but you did it
I'll admit it
and who am I to be a ♪
♪ critic and tell
you different
you know I never
speak on that ♪
♪ it's not my business
but I could tell you
that his level's
no competition ♪
♪ and I'm optimistic that
I'm 'bout to hit it
and um, I can tell you've
been crying in ♪
♪ Honda civics
because I caught you slipping
left you no choice
you ever cry again ♪
♪ it's gon' be
in a rolls Royce
I wipe your face with them
new hundreds to ♪
♪ make your tears dry
hitting it on a jet
this ain't no red eye
got you chasing dreams ♪
♪ and it ain't even bedtime
and don't you dare bring up
your ex 'cause he a dead guy
I wonder ♪
♪ why oh why
oh why?
Do you ride
do you stick by his side ♪
♪ if he makes you
cry every night
girl I see the
pain in your eyes ♪
♪ I don't know why
oh why
you stay you stay oh
you stay you stay ♪
make some noise for the
little baby.
Acl, let's go.
♪ You give him
chance after chance
'cause you say maybe
one day he'll ♪
♪ grow up and be a man
and lately you been pouring
out your heart on the 'gram
but you been playing your ♪
♪ part from the start
I understand
I put carats on your hand
but see I'm one ♪
♪ of them bad guys
and I can't promise
you the world
but I promise you'll be ♪
♪ better than last time
as long as you're loyal
you got a plan
I'll do more than spoil ♪
♪ I'll be there
to support you
drop top in the wintertime
whatever just to ♪
♪ see you smile
private jet from time to time
by the ocean
I'll drive you wild ♪
♪ whatever your decision
I'm with it
no asking why
I catch you ♪
♪ slipping at all
you gon' be mine ♪
Make some noise for j balvin.
[ Singing in foregin language ]
[ Speaking foreign language ]
♪ you stay you stay
you stay you stay
you stay you ♪
♪ you stay you stay
you stay you stay
think you're too loyal ♪
[ Speaking foreign language ]
♪ You stay you stay ♪
you stay you stay ♪
♪ I think you're too loyal ♪
summer starts now.
Summer starts now.
Summer starts now.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Announcer: It's "weekend
update" with Colin jost and
Michael che.
♪♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you.
What's wrong with you?
Hey, stop it.
Good evening, everyone.
Welcome to weekend update,
I'm Michael che.
I'm Colin jost.
This season of "SNL" started in
2018, but it looks like it's
going to end up somewhere back
in the 1970s.
I mean, amid rising tensions
with Iran there were rumors that
the White House is now sending
120 thousand more troops to the
middle east but don't worry,
President Trump set the record
straight with this firm and
reassuring message.
Mr. President are we going to
war with Iran?
I hope not.
You know it's up to you,
right?
You don't have to outsource this
decision to John Bolton, the
islamophobic lorax.
And now lawmakers for both sides
of the aisle are demanding more
information on what exactly the
Iran threat even is.
So far the only evidence the
administration has provided is
this disturbing image.
China retaliated to president
Trump's tariffs by imposing
their own tariffs on products
the U.S. sells to China.
What the hell do we sell to
China besides marvel movies and
credit card debt?
I've never been to China but I
have been to Chinatown.
And one thing I can tell you is
that anything we have, they can
just make for themselves.
All they got to do is change one
letter and sell a billion abble
watches.
Jared kushner and Stephen
Miller who both have resting
evil face, have spent months
together working on the Trump
administration's new immigration
plan.
What I would not give to be a
fly on that wall, watching all
the other flies swarm around
their master.
And in a plan backed by the
Trump administration, NASA has
announced it will send the first
woman to the moon by 2024.
Unfortunately it's against her
will.
It's a plan they're referring to
as launch her up.
Actress Alyssa Milano has
called on women to go on a sex
strike to protest restrictive
new abortion laws.
Look, I support that, but I just
don't think these republican
senators are getting Alyssa
Milano level sex at home.
I bet if their wives said, I'm
on a sex strike, they would be
like, cool, I'll be at the
airport men's room, don't wait
up for me.
Up for me.
Fox news host jeanine pirro
has lost up to 20% of her
advertisers since making
controversial comments about a
Muslim congresswoman.
Here to comment is jeanine
pirro.
Hello, I'm judge
jeanine pirro, and here I
just want to thank the brave
sponsors who stuck with me
despite accusations by the
radical loony left.
To companies like Jeep I say,
thank you.
And to mitsubishi I say, domo
arigato.
Sorry Daniel-San, looks like
wax off.
You don't have to be so loud,
cause I can hear you.
No can do, buddy.
20 years ago I yelled at a
waiter because my Cobb salad had
a cranberry in it.
And now I'm locked at this
volume every day for the rest of
my life.
It's rumored that fox has
only kept you on the air because
Donald Trump personally called
the network on your behalf.
That's because Donald Trump
is a class act.
He is the Michael Jordan of
presidents and the Wesley snipes
of taxes.
He's a wiz in the boardroom, and
sometimes wizzes a little in the
bedroom.
Jeanine, I hate to ask this,
but have you been drinking?
Colin, I haven't been
drinking.
I currently am drinking.
I vow to enjoy a drink every
time President Trump ignores a
congressional subpoena.
And let me tell, mama is a
lizard.
Despite Trump's stonewalling,
it's likely Robert Mueller will
testify before congress.
What!
Colin, look.
That's terrible idea.
The report is done.
Case closed.
Senor Mueller has spoken, and he
said, no hablo collusion man.
Well, I'm going to let you
finish before I say the next
part.
Okay.
Okay.
So, the democrats could make him
testify if they start
impeachment proceedings.
What!
Colin Jessica jost, impeachment
would be crazy.
Okay?
That is the last resort of the
loopy loco left who hate this
president and his sick Mac daddy
energy.
What the hell are you talking
about?
I don't think that's the case
because, look, I'm sorry that
your drink is gone before I say
this.
Brood bloody Mary.
No, no, no, I got an extra
one.
Why would you have an extra
drink?
Thank you, thank you, kenan.
[ Laughter ]
What a nice guy.
Funny, too.
So by ignoring
the subpoenas, I'm just going to
hold your arm right here for a
second, by ignoring the
subpoenas, Trump might actually
give democrats more reason to
impeach.
What!
No!
No!
Colin!
I'm so wet.
Jeanine pirro, everyone.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Free Morrissey.
Free Morrissey.
It was reported that more
than 400 million pieces of
plastic have been found washed
up on the shores of a remote
island in the Indian ocean.
For reference, here is what 400
million pieces of plastic look
like.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Comedian prince rock is
teaming up with lionsgate for a
new "saw" which I am assuming
will be called "seent."
That's a fun joke.
A new survey ranks the Boston
accent as one of the sexiest
accents in America.
But keep in mind, the survey was
conducted by catastrophic
hearing loss magazine.
Conservatives are upset over a
new episode of the pbs
children's cartoon Arthur in
which Arthur's teacher is
revealed to be gay.
Meanwhile no one seems to care
that pepa pig's head is a
full-on penis.
Tonight is the last show of the
season, and che and I have
decided that our end of the year
gifts to each other would be
jokes.
Yeah.
So we're making each other read
jokes live on air that the other
person has never seen before.
Yeah.
Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ]
And the idea, Michael, isn't
to try to sabotage each other.
It's to just give over here fun
jokes.
Uh-huh.
Why don't you go first?
Okay.
Yeah.
A student in Texas who is
nicknamed white lightning set a
high school record by running
the hundred-meter dash in 9.98
second.
Coincidentally, people call me
white lightning because I also
finish in under ten seconds.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Doctors in Iowa have
confirmed a dog disease that can
be passed on to humans.
Fine, I'll wear a condom.
A new report finds that as
people move into formerly wild
areas of Africa, human activity
is disrupting chimpanzee
culture.
Incidentally, chimpanzee culture
is also what my grandpa calls
hip-hop.
Why?
Whoa.
I wouldn't have said that.
Pope Francis ended a Vatican
summit by promising the catholic
church would confront the clergy
sex abuse head-on.
Instead of their usual way, face
down, ass up.
Come on.
This will be good.
I'm sure.
A substitute teacher in north
Carolina has resigned after she
reportedly told a class of
elementary students that Martin
Luther king Jr. killed himself.
In her defense, he is the one
who decided to keep running his
mouth.
Why!
You're going to get me murdered.
You're going to get me murdered.
Well, this is a terrible
transition.
This week Alabama passed a near
total ban on abortion.
And what many say is part of a
larger effort to overturn roe v.
Wade.
Here to comment is our own
Leslie Jones.
Are you in a "handmaid's tale"
outfit?
We are all handmaids now so
my name is of jost.
Leslie, I don't think society
is quite there yet.
No?
You would think that, right?
You would really think that, but
this is how it starts.
I'm not living my life when I
see on the news a bunch of
states are trying to ban
abortion, and then tell me what
I can and can't do with my body.
Next thing you know, I'm in
Starbucks, and they won't take
my credit card because I'm a
woman instead of the regular
reason, which is why I don't
have no money on it.
What made me really mad was
seeing the 25 Alabama senators
who voted for the abortion ban.
Throw that picture up.
Mm-hmm.
Look at them.
All men.
[ Audience reacts ]
This looks like the casting call
for of a Lipitor commercial.
This looks like the mug shots of
everyone arrested at a massage
parlor.
And if any of them had lips, I
would tell them to kiss my
entire ass.
You can't control women.
You can't control women.
Because I don't know if you
heard, but women are the same as
humans.
[ Applause ]
And I'm Leslie dracarys Jones.
I mean,
why do all you weird ass men
care about what women choose to
do with their bodies anyway?
I don't care what you do with
your 65-year-old droopy ass
ball.
And how is Alabama's woman
governor going along with this?
What?
Me, I'm re bell I couldn't say.
Don't take away my choice to
have a bad morning.
When women have a Joyce, women
have freedom.
[ Cheers and applause ]
You tell 'em, Leslie.
Shut up!
You flat white privileged latte.
Look, the fact that nine states
are doing this means this really
is a war on women.
And if you're a woman out there
and you feel scared or confused,
just know that you're not alone.
There are so many women out
there that got your back,
especially me.
Leslie dracarys bad bitch Jones.
You can't tell me what to do
with my body.
You can't make me small or put
me in a box.
I'm 6 feet tall and 233 pounds.
Ain't no box big enough to hold
me.
And I know because one time I
tried to mail myself to a dude.
Leslie Jones, everyone.
>>
What a beautiful antiques
store.
Honey, look at this old sign.
It says I only drink on days
that start with "t."
Tuesday, Thursday, today,
tomorrow, Saturday, Sunday.
That's hilarious.
We probably don't need that
since you're not drinking
anymore.
Oh, right.
You do remember that
conversation?
Yeah, sure.
Hey, look what Emily found.
Look!
Oh, look, it's a music box
with a ballerina on top.
My grandmother had one of these.
Oh, that's a wonderful
choice.
They don't make them like that
anymore.
And very affordable.
Our daughter just started
ballet lessons.
She's not very good.
$60, I don't know.
Wind the bottom and she'll
dance for you.
♪♪♪
Wow.
Don't you wish you could dance
like that, sweetie?
The song is so pretty.
Do you know the name of it?
Of course.
It's "fancy party."
"Fancy party," I don't know
that.
Sure you do.
It's a famous old beautiful
song.
Wind it again, let's see if I
remember the words.
♪ It started, the fancy party's
finally getting started ♪
♪ nothing can go wrong, owe
wait, I farted, now my whole
world will never be the same ♪
that's "fancy party."
Hold on.
The song is about a ballerina
having gas at a party?
That's right.
And the catastrophic effect it
has on her life, relationships
and dancing career.
That's not real.
Sure it is.
Your grandmother probably sang
it to you while you went to
sleep.
Wind it again, you'll remember.
♪♪♪
♪ I beefed one, they hired me
for dancing, then I beefed one ♪
♪ it was oh, so very long and
not a brief one ♪
♪ because I beefed one ♪
♪ now this whole fancy party
knows my name ♪
wait, I do know this.
>>.
♪ I gave them quite a scare when
I jumped up in the air and out a
fruity rooty came ♪
I knew you knew it.
♪ I'm sorry if you're eating but
my tights just took a beating
and now I fear I'll never dance
again ♪
♪ I farted ♪
I was just passing by and
heard "fancy party."
♪♪♪
♪ now the party has sadly
departed because I farted ♪
♪ that's just how it goes ♪
Sing it again.
Let's do it.
Oh, know.
Did I break it?
What have you done?
What have you done?
It wasn't one of a kind, was
it?
Surely there are more.
Please, please.
And that's a twilight zone.
♪♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
Announcer: You're watching
"the view."
Can you believe they're not
mic'd?
Hello, hello.
This is "the view," the most
high stakes brunch on
television.
I'm whoopie goldberg.
Later today we'll be talking
about dinosaurs, are they just
silly?
Alabama passed a near total ban
on abortion.
We're about to pop off.
We'll start with Amy huntsman.
Thanks, whoop, it's Abby but
I can change it.
They're calling this the war on
women.
I don't think women should
fight.
I think women should be best
friends like us.
Right, joy?
Yeah, sure, sweetie.
Listen, I want to talk about the
guys who passed this bill.
Maybe they're so concerned about
what happens to a six-week-old
fetus because they all look like
one.
Blobby nothings with beady eyes
and big foreheads.
They're like, oh, my god, it's
me.
This law is backwards.
It is regressive.
It is texting your ex, honey,
you don't want to do that.
It's backwards, it's regressive.
Oh, no, I'm skipping.
Okay, can I talk now?
Okay, I am the only daughter at
this table.
So I have to say, these senators
are actually very good and fun
guys so I am spending love to
Clyde Chambliss and garland
gujer.
And those are all real names,
okay?
Please, please, guys, let me
talk.
No one else is talking.
Okay.
You see, and I'm getting
attacked, and as the person most
upset right now, I am right.
We got a live wire.
Anything's going to set her off.
What, what?
Down, down.
No, down!
Our guest today is one of the
many democrats running for
president.
He's also the youngest.
Please give it up for Pete
buttigieg.
♪♪♪
[ Applause ]
Hello.
Hi.
How are you?
I'm ready to work.
See my exposed forearms?
Now, I hear when you grow up,
you want to be president.
Well, I am grown up.
Aww.
I may only be 37 years old
but I do feel like I represent
everyday Americans.
I'm just a Harvard educated,
multilingual war veteran rhodes
scholar.
I'm just like you.
So young, so impressive.
Can you fix my phone?
I got like 8,000 unread emails.
Look, ladies, I'm here to
talk about issues, like climate
change.
There you go, I fixed it.
Okay.
You're my nephew.
My nephew for president.
You have an unusual name.
How do you pronounce that?
Pete.
Oh, okay.
I was thinking pad thai like the
Japanese spaghetti.
So you really think that
you're ready to be president?
Am I ready?
[ Speaking foreign language ]
And what was that last one?
A language I made up to speak
to gnomes.
I got to ask because I'm sure
it's come up.
You're gay.
That's not a question.
But I do want to say that I
wouldn't be running for
president if I didn't believe
America was ready to accept not
only a gay man but a boring gay
man in the public eye.
I think I saw your husband
backstage.
Bring him out.
Oh, no, I'm here to talk
about my policies.
Husband, husband!
Husband!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hello, I'm chasten buttigieg.
He took the name buttigieg.
That's commitment, right?
Ha ha ha, yes, be my friend
or I'll die.
This is all so new to me.
Usually I'm just home with the
dog.
You're gay and you have dogs?
I love that.
I'm voting for you.
Mayor Pete, we love you, we can
never forget about Joe biden.
Take me to Delaware.
We love him.
My Prez.
Oh, Joe.
♪ I need you ♪
♪ I need you like mercy from
heaven's gate ♪
there's a freedom in your arms ♪
Thank you both for being
here.
Joy, you need to let me talk.
I have said nothing all day!
What?
Not today, Satan.
Coming up after the break,
prison reform and Elon musk
teaches us to vape.
This is "the view."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Once again, dj khaled.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Mama Assad.
Assad, my son.
Everything for you.
It's "just us."
Only us.
Another one.
♪♪♪
hold up, hold up.
Another one.
Put your hands in the sky like
this!
It's dj khaled!
It's sza.
Another one.
Let's go.
Dj khaled.
♪ Back against the wall
middle fingers in the air
busting through the crowd
they gon' feel me now ♪
♪ straight shooter
from the hip yeah
we heavy in here
tell me get 'em ♪
♪ then I got 'em
get 'em
99 problems but you ain't one
been so high lately ♪
♪ I don't care
who's goin' down
you could see it in my eyes
he been hitting it right ♪
♪ got me wishing that
he wasn't oh no
what we gon' do
and I need it all night ♪
♪ will love show me
what it feels like
I let you pull up on me
broad day light ♪
♪ shots over here
f the other side
we don't gotta lay low
we grown ♪
♪ a field trip and
I don't need no chaperone
I'm tryna get ghost
hands in the sky ♪
♪ its just us
lets go
oh oh
another one ♪
♪ it's just us
against the world
in this life of sin
ain't nobody gonna ♪
♪ take us out
it's always us never them
it's just us
against the world ♪
♪ when the smoke clears
all we got is all we got
it's always us, never them ♪
♪ sing it like an angel
I need ♪♪♪
lets take it to the streets.
Lets take it to Philadelphia
streets.
This deejay khaled.
This meek mill.
"Saturday night live."
Top of the charts.
Lets go.
Dj khaled.
♪ Drop top gone
drop top gone
selling popcorn
selling popcorn ♪
♪ I went from licks
to most wanted
to the top of the Forbes ♪
♪ trek through the trenches
trenches
I weather the storm
storm ♪
♪ young living legend
I be on that -- that these --
ain't on
these ain't on ♪
♪ I went to war
with the system yeah
to give my son toys
on Christmas yeah ♪
♪ probably won't give me
no grammy yeah
putting awards on wishlist
yeah ♪
♪ we had to kill
just to make it out
we puttin' rewards on --
lets go ♪
♪ live by the gun
and we die about it
I'm praying the sword
don't kill us ♪
♪ praying the lord
forgive us
I'm going to war with killers
they put a bounty ♪
♪ on all on my dawgs
want 'em dead by morning
what else ♪
♪ we took risks
to live like this
ain't doing consignment
what else ♪
♪ I brought my mama tears
and I turned 'em
to vvs diamonds
lets go come on ♪
♪ I know you see me
on top of my game
ain't see me declining
declining ♪
♪ turned to a monster
the next time you saw me
you seen I was climbing
what ♪
♪ they took my elevator
I said I'm taking the steps
steps
got me on bail ♪
♪ they want me in jail
they say I'm a threat
what
fighting for freedom ♪
♪ 11 years they been
taking my breath
taking my breath
watching the feds ♪
♪ take pictures
it been making me sweat
makin' me sweat
tapping my phone ♪
♪ taking my rights
and making 'em wrong
makin 'em wrong
deep in this -- ♪
♪ had to dance with
the devil to make it
back home woah ♪
long live nipsey hussle.
[ Cheers and applause ]
The marathon continues.
Make some noise for John legend!
♪ oh
you keep taking me
higher and higher
yeah ♪
♪ but don't you know
that the devil is a liar
I know
they'd rather see me down ♪
♪ put my soul in the fire
but we keep goin' higher
higher
you keep takin' me higher ♪
♪ and higher
yeah
don't you know
that the devil is a liar ♪
♪ I know they'd rather
see me down
put my soul in the fire
but we keep goin' higher ♪
♪ higher
hey
oh, lord
can you feel it ♪
♪ whoa ♪
♪ my shoes are
scrapin' the sky
I'm so high
we keep goin' higher ♪♪♪
Yeah talk to 'em.
Told khaled bounce the four
'til the bar break.
Long live nipsey hussle.
The marathon continues.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Oh, hey, les, a change in
the court sketch, you're going
to be the bailiff now.
Owe cool, thanks, Kyle.
What are you watching?
Russian car crashes, they're
crazy over there.
I was watching those videos
we made for the show when we
were in love with each other.
Why did we stop making them?
I wanted to show you a pretty
fun clip.
May I?
Oh, my god.
Tell me I'm not dreaming.
We was babies.
It was like last year.
But you know it's weird,
sometimes people will come up to
me on the street and say, are
you really dating Leslie?
Me and you?
They truly thought it was
real.
Ridiculous.
Yeah, so ridiculous.
Yeah.
Well, I should get out of
here.
So enjoy your videos, madam.
Thank you, sir.
Umm, hey, Kyle.
What's up?
Got some wine.
You want to maybe have a glass
of wine, we can watch videos.
Yeah, sure.
I mean, I drink every day, so --
yes, let's do it.
Thanks.
Well, to a wonderful year.
Oh, yes.
Ooh, you got some on your lip.
Thank you.
Is this happening right now?
I don't know.
♪♪♪
♪ why do birds suddenly appear ♪
♪ every time you are near ♪
♪ just like me, they long to
be ♪
♪ close to you ♪
♪♪♪
Oh, god, crap!
[ Screaming ]
Whoa!
What the [ Bleep ] are you
doing?
This is my dressing room.
Hey, sorry, man.
Oh, god.
What's that smell?
Ew!
It stinks over here too.
Were you [ Bleep ] over here
too?
It smells like a bad tooth.
My shoes are sticking to the
floor.
It's like an old movie theater.
Sorry.
Oh, crap.
Are you still doing it?
Get out of here.
We said sorry, dude.
Are you stressed out?
We were just having sex for a
few hours.
Relax.
Yea, I'm stressed out.
I just -- I want the finale to
go well.
I didn't mean to yell.
Sorry.
Aww baby.
That feels good.
Mmm.
Is this happening?
♪♪♪
Uh-oh.
Dorky dad on the loose.
You girls want some snacks?
I've got pita chips, raisins,
and salt.
Okay, bye, dad.
All right, I'll get out of
your hair.
Just let me know if you want any
of those things.
Sorry 'my dad.
But hey, I thought of something
scary we can do.
Ooh, cool.
Ouija board.
Let's get spooky.
Spirits, we call upon you to
answer our questions.
If you are here, give us a sign.
Ha ha ha ha!
I am bealthor, mistress of the
nine hell.
Holy smokes, we summoned a
demon.
Ask your question, mortals.
Okay.
I'll go.
Demon, which one of us will get
married first?
Ah, the whispers of the
damned flow through my head.
They say Samantha shall be first
to wed.
Samantha!
Demon, thank you.
Do you know, we should
celebrate, you guys.
Pizza!
Pizza girls, at it again.
I mean, I like pizza.
Oh, I think we're kind of
done with the ouija stuff.
Oh, same here.
You know what we should get on
our pizza?
Pineapple!
Ew, that sounds gross.
Oh, yeah, yeah, pineapple is
so gross.
I was just joking about that.
Hey, let's watch a movie.
Movie girls at it again.
I don't know, bealthor, it's
kind of late to start a movie.
Yeah, I was thinking that
too, as soon as I said it, I was
like, it's too late, I'm so
stupid.
Girls, why does the whole
house smell like brimstone?
Oh, hey, Ashley, right?
No, dad, this is bealthor.
Is that Greek?
Mazeltov.
Anyway, it turns out we ran out
of pita chips.
I think I do see something
behind your ear.
Oh, it's a go-gurt.
It's the last one so take a
squirt and pass it around.
I'll be downstairs, working that
swiffer.
Dads.
Totally.
My dad is all, I'm Satan, god
cast me out of heaven, what a
loser.
What are you even talking
about?
My bad.
Sorry for being weird.
I'm just really struggling with
my home life right now.
And I guess I've been feeling
really ugly lately.
Don't or she'll never leave.
I'm going to go to the
bathroom.
Guess who ordered thai food.
So if you guys could just throw
in five bucks that would be --
where's the goth kid?
Hi, Satan?
Can you come pick me up?
These girls are being super
fake.
I don't believe what I'm
hearing.
Were you girls bullying
bealthor?
Dad, she's leaving.
I don't want to hear it,
Christine.
So she has horns, big whoop.
Maybe her differences are what
make her cool.
Yeah, I guess you're right,
Mr. Sanderson.
You're right.
We'll be nice.
Hey, so my dad says that I
can't spend the night.
Anyway, I'm sorry for ruining
your party.
Bealthor, wait.
These girls have something they
would like to say.
Girls?
Bealthor, we're sorry.
Yeah, we think it would be
pretty ill if you spent the
night.
Really?
Yes!
Yay.
Hey, who wants to know how
they're going to die?
Me!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thanks to dj khaled, Alec
Baldwin, Robert De Niro, lil'
Wayne, meek mill, little baby,
sza, John legend.
I've got to say thank you to
lorne, the cast, the crew, I
love you, Jack and darby.
Have a great, great summer.
Thank you.
Season 44 in the books.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪♪
president of the United States.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
I'm very excited about summer,
getting around that those things
I never have time for.
Golf.
Visiting friends in prison.
Enjoying all the fantastic new
tariffs with China.
Been an incredible year for our
economy, our American economy is
on fire.
I'm going to tell you if it's a
fire that keeps you warm or
burns your house to the ground.
But it's some kind of fire.
So I'm on cruise control to a
second term and there's nothing
the democrats in congress can do
about it.
So sit back and enjoy the ride,
America, because tonight, well,
opportunity I'm going to have a
real good time.
♪ he feels alive
and the world
I'll turn it inside out
yeah ♪
♪ and float around
in ecstasy
so don't stop him now ♪
♪ don't stop him
cause he's having a good time
having a good time ♪
♪ he's a lose Cannon
rippin' up the laws
of society
you can't subpoena him ♪
♪ he's gunna obstruct
he's a billionaire
unless you take a look
at his tax returns ♪
♪ he's going to hide
hide hide
there's no showing you ♪
♪ I'm burning every page
picking every fight
but they call him bad advice
cause he listen to ♪
♪ the fox news guys
I want to make a super
straight man out of you ♪
[ Laughter ]
♪ Don't stop us now
we're having such
a good time ♪
I'm having a ball!
♪ Don't stop us now
you wanna huge distraction
just give yeezy a call man ♪
♪ don't stop us now
we're having a good time
don't stop us now
we're having a good time ♪
♪ we don't wanna stop at all
get the supreme court
ready for a fight on abortion
we got the most now ♪
♪ women are screwed
it was an issue you thought
got resolved 50 years ago
but no, no, no ♪
♪ all men are still in control
search your Bible guide now ♪
♪ he's throwing stones and he
lives in a big glass house ♪
♪ he cheated on
every spouse
I want to make a chik-fil-a
man out of you ♪
[ Laughter ]
♪ Don't stop me
don't stop me ♪
♪ don't stop me
don't stop me ♪
Do you guys like tariffs?
♪ don't stop me
don't stop me ♪
hundred bucks for a tomato?
♪ Don't stop me
don't stop me ♪
♪ I ain't sweatin' it ♪
♪♪♪
Oh he's throwing out the lies
yeah one tweet at a time he's
got the best brightest guys
that's why most of them are
serving time I want to make a
crazy sexy man out of you ♪
♪
what are you doing?
I'm sorry, this queen music
gets me all riled up.
Hey dad, why weren't we
invited to sing?
Yeah.
Son.
And Eric.
[ Laughter ]
I'm sorry I forgot about you
guys.
I want to sing the song too.
All right, Eric, go ahead.
♪ It's time to
play the music
it's time to
light the lights ♪
♪ it's time to
meet the muppets
on the muppet show tonight ♪
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
I need to invite the three
white players over from
McDonald's.
Wait a second.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I have something very important
to say to the American people.
Something they need to hear.
No collusion, no obstruction.
♪ Don't stop me now
it's a good time
to try and impeach
don't stop us now ♪
♪ we might even get rid of
freedom of speech
don't stop us now
we're having a good time ♪
♪ don't stop us now
we're having a good time
we don't want to stop
at all ♪♪♪
Guys, it's been fun.
I don't know what's next for me,
but I wouldn't be Donald Trump
if I didn't say tune in next
season to see who lives and who
dies.
[ Laughter ]
Spoiler, I live.
I live for another 150 years.
And the iron throne will be
mine.
Have a wonderful summer,
America.
And live from New York, it's
"Saturday night"!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Musical guest --
dj khaled.
And your host --
Paul rudd.
♪♪♪
♪♪♪
Ladies and gentlemen --
Paul rudd.
♪♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you.
Thank you, thank you so much.
I am so thrilled to be hosting
the season finale of "Saturday
night live."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hands down the most anticipated
finale of this weekend.
[ Laughter ]
You know, I've hosted this show
a few times now.
And what I've learned is that
these monologues, they should be
a little funny, but they should
also be heartfelt, sort of like
a best man's speech at a
wedding.
And, well, tonight I would like
to be your best man.
So could we maybe get some
champagne out here, something
warm and flat?
Thank you.
Hello.
Wow.
Goodness.
They're tall.
When I officially first met
"SNL" in 2008, I was like, this
guy is crazy.
You were doing sketches about
some guy named Barack.
I hadn't done a marvel movie yet
so I was still treating people
pretty well.
Times have changed.
Not a lot of people know this,
but you and I, we used to kind
of make out.
I think we have some pictures of
that.
There we are.
Oh, man, were we nuts.
"SNL," you used to be a real
dirty dog.
I think like a thousand people
have been on you.
I know that sounds gross but
hey, it was the '70s, '80s,
'90s, and whatever this is.
True story, I was
actually right outside of this
building on the night of the
very first episode of "SNL"
in 1975.
I remember, because I had just
turned 30.
And I was working as a vomit boy
at studio 54.
I thought, this isn't for me.
I thought I would be cleaning up
vomit, but I was way off.
So, I walked out.
I started running.
I found myself under a beautiful
sign that said "nbc."
Out walked a guy who called
himself lorne.
I went right up to him and I
said, "sir, one day I'll be
hosting your show."
And he said, "guards, do your
worst."
[ Laughter ]
Funny how life works.
After all of these years I knew
we'd always be here for each
other.
Whenever you needed a host, and
I needed to promote a movie.
Now I'm just so honored to be
hosting the finale of season 44.
So hey, cheers to you.
We've got a great show.
Dj khaled is here with like 200
friends.
So stick around.
We'll be right back.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪♪
Thank you all for coming.
I'm Dr. Markowitz with NASA and
this is Dr. Handly with the
institute for temporal
anomalies.
We're obviously very
interested in your story as
you're the first three people to
have experienced a verified time
travel event.
This is bananas.
I mean, we were just three buds
watching TV and now, we're
quantum pioneers.
Now please tell us how this
time portal appeared.
I got a three-month trial, we
were watching
ray Donovan on showtime, and I'm
a fan, I'm a sucker for flawed
heroes, good person, bad deeds,
that dichotomy is very rich to
me.
Wonderful.
But if you could focus on the
time travel.
Uh, right, yeah, well, me and
her, we was on the couch when
this glowing majestic gateway
appeared and we drifted into it.
And we found ourselves in a
gorgeous city made entirely of
crystal or something.
Yeah, and we were welcomed by
a group of people made up of
just all the races in the world
and they said, we are the
council of humanity, this is the
future.
It was so beautiful.
And you, miss Rafferty?
Yeah, a little different for
me, I must have been on the
wrong side of the portal or
something, because I wasn't so
much welcomed to the future as I
was violently sucked a million
years into the past.
I went to caveman times, man.
I got yanked so hard, my sweats
and my sneaks stayed in the
present.
So I land ass up face down in
the mud with my cooter and
tooter on full display.
And I'm thinking, "gosh, last
time I was in this position, I
got kicked out of Woodstock
'99."
and were there people there
to welcome you as well?
"People" is such a strong
word.
You know on the
evolution chart where you see
how the monkeys became human?
These guys hadn't hit the
halfway Mark yet.
Let's focus on what happened
in the future.
It was beautiful, I would
have wept but I was all cried
out from watching "nurse Jackie"
on showtime.
These two are walking around
wakanda, meanwhile, where I'm
at, it's the rise of the planet
of the apes, all 50 of these
hairy monkey people are rubbing
me with their butts.
It ain't exactly a tuscan
sunset.
Perhaps this was some sort of
primitive religious ritual?
Buddy, god had no part in
this.
They were marking me with their
scent.
And these guys weren't exactly
zestfully clean.
They zebra striped my t-shirt so
much, I looked like a foot
locker employee.
It's never easy making new
friends, right?
Noted.
And what happened next in the
future?
We was taken to this place
called the oculus and inside was
all these gateways to other
solar systems.
Each one was a planet they
had colonized.
I couldn't believe I was chosen
to witness this.
I too was chosen.
Chosen by the Alpha female to be
her new girlfriend.
She comes at me like a
silverback, right?
Ragdolls me.
And look, I really ain't into
ladies but if nothing else is
open, I'll eat at a taco bell,
you smell what I'm saying?
Yes, I think I do.
So anyway, this gal wants to
bond, right?
Do you mind, Dex?
She climbs on my back, right,
she starts picking at me,
looking for stuff to eat.
And unfortunately she's finding
a buffet.
So I guess the snack got her in
the mood because then she starts
like grinding into my head,
trying to mate with my hair, I
guess.
She's using my face for like a
handhold.
Then she goes back to eating,
climbs around the front and sees
my ear, which I guess she thinks
is some kind of vending machine
because she's just -- she's
candling.
But there ain't no wax.
Okay.
Then for the grand finale she
reaches down, she pops a finger
up her keester, and I'm like,
hey, curious Georgina, last
person to try that never saw his
wedding ring again.
Yes.
Thank you for that.
No problem.
And thank you, Dex.
Your jeans rug burned my
neck.
I got bushed, smushed by a
cave woman.
You'll live.
Now, how were you all brought
back to the present?
Umm, well, the portal opened
up, and the council said when
fear is replaced by trust, your
world will begin to change.
So then we were home.
Yeah.
It was the most amazing thing
that's ever happened to me.
Right up there with getting that
email that said you've been
selected for a free month of the
showtime channel.
See, that's piss in my
porridge because when I dove in
the portal to get home, still
pantsless, mind you, I landed
downward dog in a grand Hyatt
casino with my bean burrito in
Barry levine's face.
Who is Barry levine?
A young man who will never
forget his bar mitzvah.
We would like to take you all
for a medical exam.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Game of thrones, it's my
favorite show.
Houses, lots of wine, a big ass
wall, never miss an episode.
I didn't know you like game
of thrones.
I don't really like to talk
about my personal life.
I don't like that attention.
Okay.
Never miss an episode, I assume
some crows.
Pete, this is my friend gray
worm.
Oh, hey, what's up, man?
Did you say your last name is
worm?
You know nothing, Pete
Davidson.
I'm a penis.
You don't have to do a rap
about game of thrones just
because it's the most popular
show in the world right now.
What are you saying, if I'm
going to do an epic rap song for
the finale, it should be about a
TV show I like?
I don't think you should do a
rap at all.
My favorite TV show is Gracie
and Frankie.
Why?
One of the first ones to be
off of five seasons, sweet old
ladies is the reason.
You better grab a hanky, that's
what I'm talking about.
Grace and franky.
Dj khaled.
We the best.
Better than game of thrones.
Let me catch you up a little
bit on the smash hit, the
options, ain't that classic.
This is getting expensive.
You don't know what you're
missing, Craig t. Nelson, Ernie
Hudson.
They're both like 80 something,
riding hot air balloons like
it's nothing.
It sure is something.
Grace and Frankie.
They're different but they're
friends.
It's a nice show.
Dj khaled.
I changed it.
Now you just rap about whatever
your favorite TV show is.
Any show I want?
My favorite TV show is mother
[ Bleep ] grace and Frankie.
Season 4 is guest starring Lisa
kudrow.
Two graces are unusual.
Things starting cracking, grace
had that scooter accident.
That's the tip of the iceberg.
Grace and Frankie.
Remember, when he had that sleep
apnea?
That was crazy.
Frankie was sick and grace
might [ Bleep ] Mary Nick.
Grace and Frankie, best in the
game.
Dj khaled.
React.
I got a dragon you can sit on
right here.
All right.
It's time to play "what's
wrong with this picture."
[ Applause ]
Hello, everybody, I'm your host
Elliott pants.
Welcome to another round of
what's wrong with this picture.
The rules are simple.
All you got to do is look at a
picture, tell me what's wrong
with it.
If you're right, you might win a
Toyota beef.
The first car for thick boys.
Contestants, are you ready to
play?
Gina?
Yes, daddy.
I don't like that.
Steven.
I didn't come here to make
friends, but I would like it to
happen.
Okay.
Louis?
What's up?
I'm introducing you.
Oh, thank you.
Okay.
I guess this is who is available
at 2:00 P.M. on a weekday.
Let's go to your first puzzle.
Who can tell me what's wrong
with this picture?
There's something very wrong
with this picture.
Can you spot it?
Oh, I got it.
They're siblings who know they
shouldn't have kissed.
What?
No.
That's not close.
Oh, man.
Louis.
Her hair has too many shrimps
in it.
I'm sorry.
Did you say shrimp?
By her ears are shrimp.
No, those are her pig tails.
Yeah.
That's not shrimp.
Getting a little worried about
this.
Gina.
He's pointing at her butt
door and explaining its
features.
No.
Something in this picture is
physically impossible.
They're gay.
What?
Boys and girls can't be gay
on each other.
That don't work.
Has to be the same.
No.
I'll give you a hint.
Something is missing in the
picture.
Louis.
Love.
Plus the knockers behind them
don't have nipples.
Okay.
That's a bush.
That's inappropriate.
Can you really not see it?
The swing is missing a rope.
Then why are they smiling?
Because his jeans leave very
little to the imagination and
they like that.
Well, that made me angry.
All right.
Here is your next picture.
Gina.
Yeah, I got it.
She's 4 years old but the
boobies grew too fast.
Oh, my god, no.
The twins are in the fish
tank and she can't get out.
That is not a fish tank, that
is a mirror.
Then where are all the fish?
I hate you.
Steven.
Oh, I see it now.
The answer is she just did
blackface and got away with it.
The only problem is she got the
job.
Now what?
No.
Now, stop it.
The reflection is wearing a
belt.
It's wearing a belt.
All right, next.
Oh, I know.
Her chair is empty because she
just got raptured.
But once she got up there, god
did a twirl and his robe flew up
and she thinks she saw his
thing.
Gross!
Wrong.
The objects come to life at
night but the only problem is
they're poor.
For the love of --
that computer has a virus and
I hate to tell you but it's
aids.
Uh, are you okay, Mr. Pant?
No.
And it's pants.
Look at that.
What is that?
A date tent?
That is not a tent.
There is no such thing as June
31st.
Okay.
We're doing exactly one more of
these.
What's wrong with this picture?
Oh, she's wearing
rollerblades instead of ice
skates.
Oh, my god, that's right.
And I think it's my wife.
Can I say hi?
That is a drawing.
This has been what's wrong with
this picture.
What are you doing?
We got to start screening
these people.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Ladies and gentlemen,
dj khaled.
[ Cheers and applause ]
They were saying I would
never do "SNL."
So I'm doing "SNL" season
finale.
Another one.
♪ Jealous jealous ♪
put your hands in the sky
like this.
Make some noise for Lil Wayne.
♪ You mad or you jealous
you sad or you settle
the brighter the rainbow
the badder the weather ♪
♪ the good with the bad
but the badder the better
bring my sand to the beach
and to the desert ♪
♪ we fell from the heavens
we landed like feathers
the roads and the rubble
keep your nose ♪
♪ out of petals
your -- know my schedule
and my -- know I'm special
they know not to question ♪
♪ you know I'm not Alexa
she post a pic of me and
her from off her iPad
you know them ♪
♪ don't like that
where the likes at
jealousy is a disease
you can die man ♪
♪ tunchi, Sean, c.B.
Khaled have that ♪
♪ I need some loving ♪
♪
Hands like this and shake it.
♪ and I'm the one
don't let no one
change your mind
girl they just jealous ♪
♪ jealous jealous
don't want us
together-gether-gether
girl they just jealous ♪
♪ jealous jealous
don't want us
together-gether-gether
these jealous jealous ♪
♪ I can't relate to
the type to follow you
but hardly follow through
you say I'm on your mind ♪
♪ I'm wondering why
I'm not on you
girl you fresh
out the shower ♪
♪ towel around your head
like you're erykah badu
it's lookin' like a spa day
I'm re-arranging chakras ♪
♪ listenin' to sade
let's take a road trip and
get high on the highway
migrate spend time ♪
♪ laid back watch
the sky change
whoa
and I hear the jealousy ♪
♪ but look I never listen
the quickest way to let
something die is
lack of attention ♪
♪ and you got it all
you lookin' good
as my intentions
we on an ascension ♪
♪ straight up
another one.
I go by the name of dj khaled,
father of asahd.
And tonight we make more
history.
It's we the best music.
It's rock nation.
It's
epic records.
Everything I love.
Make some noise for jeremih.
Dj khaled.
♪ Why oh, why ♪
♪ cry every night ♪
Make some noise for meek Milly.
♪ I don't know how you do it
but you did it
I'll admit it
and who am I to be a ♪
♪ critic and tell
you different
you know I never
speak on that ♪
♪ it's not my business
but I could tell you
that his level's
no competition ♪
♪ and I'm optimistic that
I'm 'bout to hit it
and um, I can tell you've
been crying in ♪
♪ Honda civics
because I caught you slipping
left you no choice
you ever cry again ♪
♪ it's gon' be
in a rolls Royce
I wipe your face with them
new hundreds to ♪
♪ make your tears dry
hitting it on a jet
this ain't no red eye
got you chasing dreams ♪
♪ and it ain't even bedtime
and don't you dare bring up
your ex 'cause he a dead guy
I wonder ♪
♪ why oh why
oh why?
Do you ride
do you stick by his side ♪
♪ if he makes you
cry every night
girl I see the
pain in your eyes ♪
♪ I don't know why
oh why
you stay you stay oh
you stay you stay ♪
make some noise for the
little baby.
Acl, let's go.
♪ You give him
chance after chance
'cause you say maybe
one day he'll ♪
♪ grow up and be a man
and lately you been pouring
out your heart on the 'gram
but you been playing your ♪
♪ part from the start
I understand
I put carats on your hand
but see I'm one ♪
♪ of them bad guys
and I can't promise
you the world
but I promise you'll be ♪
♪ better than last time
as long as you're loyal
you got a plan
I'll do more than spoil ♪
♪ I'll be there
to support you
drop top in the wintertime
whatever just to ♪
♪ see you smile
private jet from time to time
by the ocean
I'll drive you wild ♪
♪ whatever your decision
I'm with it
no asking why
I catch you ♪
♪ slipping at all
you gon' be mine ♪
Make some noise for j balvin.
[ Singing in foregin language ]
[ Speaking foreign language ]
♪ you stay you stay
you stay you stay
you stay you ♪
♪ you stay you stay
you stay you stay
think you're too loyal ♪
[ Speaking foreign language ]
♪ You stay you stay ♪
you stay you stay ♪
♪ I think you're too loyal ♪
summer starts now.
Summer starts now.
Summer starts now.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Announcer: It's "weekend
update" with Colin jost and
Michael che.
♪♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you.
What's wrong with you?
Hey, stop it.
Good evening, everyone.
Welcome to weekend update,
I'm Michael che.
I'm Colin jost.
This season of "SNL" started in
2018, but it looks like it's
going to end up somewhere back
in the 1970s.
I mean, amid rising tensions
with Iran there were rumors that
the White House is now sending
120 thousand more troops to the
middle east but don't worry,
President Trump set the record
straight with this firm and
reassuring message.
Mr. President are we going to
war with Iran?
I hope not.
You know it's up to you,
right?
You don't have to outsource this
decision to John Bolton, the
islamophobic lorax.
And now lawmakers for both sides
of the aisle are demanding more
information on what exactly the
Iran threat even is.
So far the only evidence the
administration has provided is
this disturbing image.
China retaliated to president
Trump's tariffs by imposing
their own tariffs on products
the U.S. sells to China.
What the hell do we sell to
China besides marvel movies and
credit card debt?
I've never been to China but I
have been to Chinatown.
And one thing I can tell you is
that anything we have, they can
just make for themselves.
All they got to do is change one
letter and sell a billion abble
watches.
Jared kushner and Stephen
Miller who both have resting
evil face, have spent months
together working on the Trump
administration's new immigration
plan.
What I would not give to be a
fly on that wall, watching all
the other flies swarm around
their master.
And in a plan backed by the
Trump administration, NASA has
announced it will send the first
woman to the moon by 2024.
Unfortunately it's against her
will.
It's a plan they're referring to
as launch her up.
Actress Alyssa Milano has
called on women to go on a sex
strike to protest restrictive
new abortion laws.
Look, I support that, but I just
don't think these republican
senators are getting Alyssa
Milano level sex at home.
I bet if their wives said, I'm
on a sex strike, they would be
like, cool, I'll be at the
airport men's room, don't wait
up for me.
Up for me.
Fox news host jeanine pirro
has lost up to 20% of her
advertisers since making
controversial comments about a
Muslim congresswoman.
Here to comment is jeanine
pirro.
Hello, I'm judge
jeanine pirro, and here I
just want to thank the brave
sponsors who stuck with me
despite accusations by the
radical loony left.
To companies like Jeep I say,
thank you.
And to mitsubishi I say, domo
arigato.
Sorry Daniel-San, looks like
wax off.
You don't have to be so loud,
cause I can hear you.
No can do, buddy.
20 years ago I yelled at a
waiter because my Cobb salad had
a cranberry in it.
And now I'm locked at this
volume every day for the rest of
my life.
It's rumored that fox has
only kept you on the air because
Donald Trump personally called
the network on your behalf.
That's because Donald Trump
is a class act.
He is the Michael Jordan of
presidents and the Wesley snipes
of taxes.
He's a wiz in the boardroom, and
sometimes wizzes a little in the
bedroom.
Jeanine, I hate to ask this,
but have you been drinking?
Colin, I haven't been
drinking.
I currently am drinking.
I vow to enjoy a drink every
time President Trump ignores a
congressional subpoena.
And let me tell, mama is a
lizard.
Despite Trump's stonewalling,
it's likely Robert Mueller will
testify before congress.
What!
Colin, look.
That's terrible idea.
The report is done.
Case closed.
Senor Mueller has spoken, and he
said, no hablo collusion man.
Well, I'm going to let you
finish before I say the next
part.
Okay.
Okay.
So, the democrats could make him
testify if they start
impeachment proceedings.
What!
Colin Jessica jost, impeachment
would be crazy.
Okay?
That is the last resort of the
loopy loco left who hate this
president and his sick Mac daddy
energy.
What the hell are you talking
about?
I don't think that's the case
because, look, I'm sorry that
your drink is gone before I say
this.
Brood bloody Mary.
No, no, no, I got an extra
one.
Why would you have an extra
drink?
Thank you, thank you, kenan.
[ Laughter ]
What a nice guy.
Funny, too.
So by ignoring
the subpoenas, I'm just going to
hold your arm right here for a
second, by ignoring the
subpoenas, Trump might actually
give democrats more reason to
impeach.
What!
No!
No!
Colin!
I'm so wet.
Jeanine pirro, everyone.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Free Morrissey.
Free Morrissey.
It was reported that more
than 400 million pieces of
plastic have been found washed
up on the shores of a remote
island in the Indian ocean.
For reference, here is what 400
million pieces of plastic look
like.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Comedian prince rock is
teaming up with lionsgate for a
new "saw" which I am assuming
will be called "seent."
That's a fun joke.
A new survey ranks the Boston
accent as one of the sexiest
accents in America.
But keep in mind, the survey was
conducted by catastrophic
hearing loss magazine.
Conservatives are upset over a
new episode of the pbs
children's cartoon Arthur in
which Arthur's teacher is
revealed to be gay.
Meanwhile no one seems to care
that pepa pig's head is a
full-on penis.
Tonight is the last show of the
season, and che and I have
decided that our end of the year
gifts to each other would be
jokes.
Yeah.
So we're making each other read
jokes live on air that the other
person has never seen before.
Yeah.
Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ]
And the idea, Michael, isn't
to try to sabotage each other.
It's to just give over here fun
jokes.
Uh-huh.
Why don't you go first?
Okay.
Yeah.
A student in Texas who is
nicknamed white lightning set a
high school record by running
the hundred-meter dash in 9.98
second.
Coincidentally, people call me
white lightning because I also
finish in under ten seconds.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Doctors in Iowa have
confirmed a dog disease that can
be passed on to humans.
Fine, I'll wear a condom.
A new report finds that as
people move into formerly wild
areas of Africa, human activity
is disrupting chimpanzee
culture.
Incidentally, chimpanzee culture
is also what my grandpa calls
hip-hop.
Why?
Whoa.
I wouldn't have said that.
Pope Francis ended a Vatican
summit by promising the catholic
church would confront the clergy
sex abuse head-on.
Instead of their usual way, face
down, ass up.
Come on.
This will be good.
I'm sure.
A substitute teacher in north
Carolina has resigned after she
reportedly told a class of
elementary students that Martin
Luther king Jr. killed himself.
In her defense, he is the one
who decided to keep running his
mouth.
Why!
You're going to get me murdered.
You're going to get me murdered.
Well, this is a terrible
transition.
This week Alabama passed a near
total ban on abortion.
And what many say is part of a
larger effort to overturn roe v.
Wade.
Here to comment is our own
Leslie Jones.
Are you in a "handmaid's tale"
outfit?
We are all handmaids now so
my name is of jost.
Leslie, I don't think society
is quite there yet.
No?
You would think that, right?
You would really think that, but
this is how it starts.
I'm not living my life when I
see on the news a bunch of
states are trying to ban
abortion, and then tell me what
I can and can't do with my body.
Next thing you know, I'm in
Starbucks, and they won't take
my credit card because I'm a
woman instead of the regular
reason, which is why I don't
have no money on it.
What made me really mad was
seeing the 25 Alabama senators
who voted for the abortion ban.
Throw that picture up.
Mm-hmm.
Look at them.
All men.
[ Audience reacts ]
This looks like the casting call
for of a Lipitor commercial.
This looks like the mug shots of
everyone arrested at a massage
parlor.
And if any of them had lips, I
would tell them to kiss my
entire ass.
You can't control women.
You can't control women.
Because I don't know if you
heard, but women are the same as
humans.
[ Applause ]
And I'm Leslie dracarys Jones.
I mean,
why do all you weird ass men
care about what women choose to
do with their bodies anyway?
I don't care what you do with
your 65-year-old droopy ass
ball.
And how is Alabama's woman
governor going along with this?
What?
Me, I'm re bell I couldn't say.
Don't take away my choice to
have a bad morning.
When women have a Joyce, women
have freedom.
[ Cheers and applause ]
You tell 'em, Leslie.
Shut up!
You flat white privileged latte.
Look, the fact that nine states
are doing this means this really
is a war on women.
And if you're a woman out there
and you feel scared or confused,
just know that you're not alone.
There are so many women out
there that got your back,
especially me.
Leslie dracarys bad bitch Jones.
You can't tell me what to do
with my body.
You can't make me small or put
me in a box.
I'm 6 feet tall and 233 pounds.
Ain't no box big enough to hold
me.
And I know because one time I
tried to mail myself to a dude.
Leslie Jones, everyone.
>>
What a beautiful antiques
store.
Honey, look at this old sign.
It says I only drink on days
that start with "t."
Tuesday, Thursday, today,
tomorrow, Saturday, Sunday.
That's hilarious.
We probably don't need that
since you're not drinking
anymore.
Oh, right.
You do remember that
conversation?
Yeah, sure.
Hey, look what Emily found.
Look!
Oh, look, it's a music box
with a ballerina on top.
My grandmother had one of these.
Oh, that's a wonderful
choice.
They don't make them like that
anymore.
And very affordable.
Our daughter just started
ballet lessons.
She's not very good.
$60, I don't know.
Wind the bottom and she'll
dance for you.
♪♪♪
Wow.
Don't you wish you could dance
like that, sweetie?
The song is so pretty.
Do you know the name of it?
Of course.
It's "fancy party."
"Fancy party," I don't know
that.
Sure you do.
It's a famous old beautiful
song.
Wind it again, let's see if I
remember the words.
♪ It started, the fancy party's
finally getting started ♪
♪ nothing can go wrong, owe
wait, I farted, now my whole
world will never be the same ♪
that's "fancy party."
Hold on.
The song is about a ballerina
having gas at a party?
That's right.
And the catastrophic effect it
has on her life, relationships
and dancing career.
That's not real.
Sure it is.
Your grandmother probably sang
it to you while you went to
sleep.
Wind it again, you'll remember.
♪♪♪
♪ I beefed one, they hired me
for dancing, then I beefed one ♪
♪ it was oh, so very long and
not a brief one ♪
♪ because I beefed one ♪
♪ now this whole fancy party
knows my name ♪
wait, I do know this.
>>.
♪ I gave them quite a scare when
I jumped up in the air and out a
fruity rooty came ♪
I knew you knew it.
♪ I'm sorry if you're eating but
my tights just took a beating
and now I fear I'll never dance
again ♪
♪ I farted ♪
I was just passing by and
heard "fancy party."
♪♪♪
♪ now the party has sadly
departed because I farted ♪
♪ that's just how it goes ♪
Sing it again.
Let's do it.
Oh, know.
Did I break it?
What have you done?
What have you done?
It wasn't one of a kind, was
it?
Surely there are more.
Please, please.
And that's a twilight zone.
♪♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
Announcer: You're watching
"the view."
Can you believe they're not
mic'd?
Hello, hello.
This is "the view," the most
high stakes brunch on
television.
I'm whoopie goldberg.
Later today we'll be talking
about dinosaurs, are they just
silly?
Alabama passed a near total ban
on abortion.
We're about to pop off.
We'll start with Amy huntsman.
Thanks, whoop, it's Abby but
I can change it.
They're calling this the war on
women.
I don't think women should
fight.
I think women should be best
friends like us.
Right, joy?
Yeah, sure, sweetie.
Listen, I want to talk about the
guys who passed this bill.
Maybe they're so concerned about
what happens to a six-week-old
fetus because they all look like
one.
Blobby nothings with beady eyes
and big foreheads.
They're like, oh, my god, it's
me.
This law is backwards.
It is regressive.
It is texting your ex, honey,
you don't want to do that.
It's backwards, it's regressive.
Oh, no, I'm skipping.
Okay, can I talk now?
Okay, I am the only daughter at
this table.
So I have to say, these senators
are actually very good and fun
guys so I am spending love to
Clyde Chambliss and garland
gujer.
And those are all real names,
okay?
Please, please, guys, let me
talk.
No one else is talking.
Okay.
You see, and I'm getting
attacked, and as the person most
upset right now, I am right.
We got a live wire.
Anything's going to set her off.
What, what?
Down, down.
No, down!
Our guest today is one of the
many democrats running for
president.
He's also the youngest.
Please give it up for Pete
buttigieg.
♪♪♪
[ Applause ]
Hello.
Hi.
How are you?
I'm ready to work.
See my exposed forearms?
Now, I hear when you grow up,
you want to be president.
Well, I am grown up.
Aww.
I may only be 37 years old
but I do feel like I represent
everyday Americans.
I'm just a Harvard educated,
multilingual war veteran rhodes
scholar.
I'm just like you.
So young, so impressive.
Can you fix my phone?
I got like 8,000 unread emails.
Look, ladies, I'm here to
talk about issues, like climate
change.
There you go, I fixed it.
Okay.
You're my nephew.
My nephew for president.
You have an unusual name.
How do you pronounce that?
Pete.
Oh, okay.
I was thinking pad thai like the
Japanese spaghetti.
So you really think that
you're ready to be president?
Am I ready?
[ Speaking foreign language ]
And what was that last one?
A language I made up to speak
to gnomes.
I got to ask because I'm sure
it's come up.
You're gay.
That's not a question.
But I do want to say that I
wouldn't be running for
president if I didn't believe
America was ready to accept not
only a gay man but a boring gay
man in the public eye.
I think I saw your husband
backstage.
Bring him out.
Oh, no, I'm here to talk
about my policies.
Husband, husband!
Husband!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hello, I'm chasten buttigieg.
He took the name buttigieg.
That's commitment, right?
Ha ha ha, yes, be my friend
or I'll die.
This is all so new to me.
Usually I'm just home with the
dog.
You're gay and you have dogs?
I love that.
I'm voting for you.
Mayor Pete, we love you, we can
never forget about Joe biden.
Take me to Delaware.
We love him.
My Prez.
Oh, Joe.
♪ I need you ♪
♪ I need you like mercy from
heaven's gate ♪
there's a freedom in your arms ♪
Thank you both for being
here.
Joy, you need to let me talk.
I have said nothing all day!
What?
Not today, Satan.
Coming up after the break,
prison reform and Elon musk
teaches us to vape.
This is "the view."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Once again, dj khaled.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Mama Assad.
Assad, my son.
Everything for you.
It's "just us."
Only us.
Another one.
♪♪♪
hold up, hold up.
Another one.
Put your hands in the sky like
this!
It's dj khaled!
It's sza.
Another one.
Let's go.
Dj khaled.
♪ Back against the wall
middle fingers in the air
busting through the crowd
they gon' feel me now ♪
♪ straight shooter
from the hip yeah
we heavy in here
tell me get 'em ♪
♪ then I got 'em
get 'em
99 problems but you ain't one
been so high lately ♪
♪ I don't care
who's goin' down
you could see it in my eyes
he been hitting it right ♪
♪ got me wishing that
he wasn't oh no
what we gon' do
and I need it all night ♪
♪ will love show me
what it feels like
I let you pull up on me
broad day light ♪
♪ shots over here
f the other side
we don't gotta lay low
we grown ♪
♪ a field trip and
I don't need no chaperone
I'm tryna get ghost
hands in the sky ♪
♪ its just us
lets go
oh oh
another one ♪
♪ it's just us
against the world
in this life of sin
ain't nobody gonna ♪
♪ take us out
it's always us never them
it's just us
against the world ♪
♪ when the smoke clears
all we got is all we got
it's always us, never them ♪
♪ sing it like an angel
I need ♪♪♪
lets take it to the streets.
Lets take it to Philadelphia
streets.
This deejay khaled.
This meek mill.
"Saturday night live."
Top of the charts.
Lets go.
Dj khaled.
♪ Drop top gone
drop top gone
selling popcorn
selling popcorn ♪
♪ I went from licks
to most wanted
to the top of the Forbes ♪
♪ trek through the trenches
trenches
I weather the storm
storm ♪
♪ young living legend
I be on that -- that these --
ain't on
these ain't on ♪
♪ I went to war
with the system yeah
to give my son toys
on Christmas yeah ♪
♪ probably won't give me
no grammy yeah
putting awards on wishlist
yeah ♪
♪ we had to kill
just to make it out
we puttin' rewards on --
lets go ♪
♪ live by the gun
and we die about it
I'm praying the sword
don't kill us ♪
♪ praying the lord
forgive us
I'm going to war with killers
they put a bounty ♪
♪ on all on my dawgs
want 'em dead by morning
what else ♪
♪ we took risks
to live like this
ain't doing consignment
what else ♪
♪ I brought my mama tears
and I turned 'em
to vvs diamonds
lets go come on ♪
♪ I know you see me
on top of my game
ain't see me declining
declining ♪
♪ turned to a monster
the next time you saw me
you seen I was climbing
what ♪
♪ they took my elevator
I said I'm taking the steps
steps
got me on bail ♪
♪ they want me in jail
they say I'm a threat
what
fighting for freedom ♪
♪ 11 years they been
taking my breath
taking my breath
watching the feds ♪
♪ take pictures
it been making me sweat
makin' me sweat
tapping my phone ♪
♪ taking my rights
and making 'em wrong
makin 'em wrong
deep in this -- ♪
♪ had to dance with
the devil to make it
back home woah ♪
long live nipsey hussle.
[ Cheers and applause ]
The marathon continues.
Make some noise for John legend!
♪ oh
you keep taking me
higher and higher
yeah ♪
♪ but don't you know
that the devil is a liar
I know
they'd rather see me down ♪
♪ put my soul in the fire
but we keep goin' higher
higher
you keep takin' me higher ♪
♪ and higher
yeah
don't you know
that the devil is a liar ♪
♪ I know they'd rather
see me down
put my soul in the fire
but we keep goin' higher ♪
♪ higher
hey
oh, lord
can you feel it ♪
♪ whoa ♪
♪ my shoes are
scrapin' the sky
I'm so high
we keep goin' higher ♪♪♪
Yeah talk to 'em.
Told khaled bounce the four
'til the bar break.
Long live nipsey hussle.
The marathon continues.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Oh, hey, les, a change in
the court sketch, you're going
to be the bailiff now.
Owe cool, thanks, Kyle.
What are you watching?
Russian car crashes, they're
crazy over there.
I was watching those videos
we made for the show when we
were in love with each other.
Why did we stop making them?
I wanted to show you a pretty
fun clip.
May I?
Oh, my god.
Tell me I'm not dreaming.
We was babies.
It was like last year.
But you know it's weird,
sometimes people will come up to
me on the street and say, are
you really dating Leslie?
Me and you?
They truly thought it was
real.
Ridiculous.
Yeah, so ridiculous.
Yeah.
Well, I should get out of
here.
So enjoy your videos, madam.
Thank you, sir.
Umm, hey, Kyle.
What's up?
Got some wine.
You want to maybe have a glass
of wine, we can watch videos.
Yeah, sure.
I mean, I drink every day, so --
yes, let's do it.
Thanks.
Well, to a wonderful year.
Oh, yes.
Ooh, you got some on your lip.
Thank you.
Is this happening right now?
I don't know.
♪♪♪
♪ why do birds suddenly appear ♪
♪ every time you are near ♪
♪ just like me, they long to
be ♪
♪ close to you ♪
♪♪♪
Oh, god, crap!
[ Screaming ]
Whoa!
What the [ Bleep ] are you
doing?
This is my dressing room.
Hey, sorry, man.
Oh, god.
What's that smell?
Ew!
It stinks over here too.
Were you [ Bleep ] over here
too?
It smells like a bad tooth.
My shoes are sticking to the
floor.
It's like an old movie theater.
Sorry.
Oh, crap.
Are you still doing it?
Get out of here.
We said sorry, dude.
Are you stressed out?
We were just having sex for a
few hours.
Relax.
Yea, I'm stressed out.
I just -- I want the finale to
go well.
I didn't mean to yell.
Sorry.
Aww baby.
That feels good.
Mmm.
Is this happening?
♪♪♪
Uh-oh.
Dorky dad on the loose.
You girls want some snacks?
I've got pita chips, raisins,
and salt.
Okay, bye, dad.
All right, I'll get out of
your hair.
Just let me know if you want any
of those things.
Sorry 'my dad.
But hey, I thought of something
scary we can do.
Ooh, cool.
Ouija board.
Let's get spooky.
Spirits, we call upon you to
answer our questions.
If you are here, give us a sign.
Ha ha ha ha!
I am bealthor, mistress of the
nine hell.
Holy smokes, we summoned a
demon.
Ask your question, mortals.
Okay.
I'll go.
Demon, which one of us will get
married first?
Ah, the whispers of the
damned flow through my head.
They say Samantha shall be first
to wed.
Samantha!
Demon, thank you.
Do you know, we should
celebrate, you guys.
Pizza!
Pizza girls, at it again.
I mean, I like pizza.
Oh, I think we're kind of
done with the ouija stuff.
Oh, same here.
You know what we should get on
our pizza?
Pineapple!
Ew, that sounds gross.
Oh, yeah, yeah, pineapple is
so gross.
I was just joking about that.
Hey, let's watch a movie.
Movie girls at it again.
I don't know, bealthor, it's
kind of late to start a movie.
Yeah, I was thinking that
too, as soon as I said it, I was
like, it's too late, I'm so
stupid.
Girls, why does the whole
house smell like brimstone?
Oh, hey, Ashley, right?
No, dad, this is bealthor.
Is that Greek?
Mazeltov.
Anyway, it turns out we ran out
of pita chips.
I think I do see something
behind your ear.
Oh, it's a go-gurt.
It's the last one so take a
squirt and pass it around.
I'll be downstairs, working that
swiffer.
Dads.
Totally.
My dad is all, I'm Satan, god
cast me out of heaven, what a
loser.
What are you even talking
about?
My bad.
Sorry for being weird.
I'm just really struggling with
my home life right now.
And I guess I've been feeling
really ugly lately.
Don't or she'll never leave.
I'm going to go to the
bathroom.
Guess who ordered thai food.
So if you guys could just throw
in five bucks that would be --
where's the goth kid?
Hi, Satan?
Can you come pick me up?
These girls are being super
fake.
I don't believe what I'm
hearing.
Were you girls bullying
bealthor?
Dad, she's leaving.
I don't want to hear it,
Christine.
So she has horns, big whoop.
Maybe her differences are what
make her cool.
Yeah, I guess you're right,
Mr. Sanderson.
You're right.
We'll be nice.
Hey, so my dad says that I
can't spend the night.
Anyway, I'm sorry for ruining
your party.
Bealthor, wait.
These girls have something they
would like to say.
Girls?
Bealthor, we're sorry.
Yeah, we think it would be
pretty ill if you spent the
night.
Really?
Yes!
Yay.
Hey, who wants to know how
they're going to die?
Me!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thanks to dj khaled, Alec
Baldwin, Robert De Niro, lil'
Wayne, meek mill, little baby,
sza, John legend.
I've got to say thank you to
lorne, the cast, the crew, I
love you, Jack and darby.
Have a great, great summer.
Thank you.
Season 44 in the books.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪♪