Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 44, Episode 2 - Awkwafina/Travis Scott - full transcript
Awkafina (Nora Lum) hosts with musical guest rapper Travis Scott.
♪♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
Good evening, I'm Don lemon.
We've all just witnessed history
as judge Brett kavanaugh was
confirmed by the senate to
become a justice of the supreme
court.
There have been protests in
Washington and several cry
breaks here at CNN.
It's a somber day for many
Americans.
We now go live to Dana bash
whose with senate Republicans.
♪♪♪
Don, I'm here in the gop
locker room where the mood is
nothing short of euphoric.
Whoo, we're going to
kavanaugh this tonight.
Thank you, senator Kennedy.
Quite a display, Dana.
That's right, Don.
There are a lot of pacemakers
being put to the test tonight.
And I see Mitch McConnell here.
Mitch, how are you feeling?
Oh, oh, that was awesome,
whoo.
Do you feel like this is a
win you could be proud of?
Oh, hell yeah, Dana.
Oh, yeah, Republicans read the
mood of the country.
And we could tell that people
really wanted kavanaugh.
Everyone is pumped from white
men over 60 to white men over
70.
We got the pj and squee.
Put this victory in context.
Oh, it's up there with
Vietnam for sure.
I mean this could be historic.
Winning!
Lindsey Graham, do you have a
moment?
We made a lot of women real
worried today but I'm not
getting pregnant so I don't
care.
Take this hat.
Lindsey, walk us through the
final confirmation.
For a while, we thought it
was going to be tied and we were
going to go.
Throwing boats, but thank the
male lord that was not
necessary.
Helped a lot with democrats.
Joe mansion scored in his own
goal, that was dope and couldn't
have done it without Susan colle
nls.
Susan, get over here.
Did I attack?
No, we're all.
Serious, this was all Susan.
Please, the last thing I
wanted was to make this about
me.
That's why I told everyone to
tune in at 3:00 P.M. to tell all
my female supporters, psych.
And you don't think Brett
kavanaugh did anything wrong?
Listen, I think it's
important to believe women until
it's time to stop but I believe
that, you know, I can party with
the big dogs.
We're going to have fun tonight.
Whoo!
That's our girl, our one
girl!
Okay, now, let's party like
it's 2020 when Susan rice takes
my seat.
And senator Jeff flake was
also reportedly on the fence
until yesterday.
Senator flake?
Oh, hey.
Yeah, obviously I was really sad
about the whole process, as you
can tell from my resting bitch
face.
And I really considered all the
testimony.
Because, you know, she had a
serious issue.
You son of a gun.
We knew who you are, flake
the snake.
You were never voting no.
Okay, you got me.
I stink.
But seriously, this one is
about the fans.
They've been there for us all
week cheering and screaming
outside our offices.
I'm sorry, you think those
were fans?
Oh, for sure.
I know they agree with us
because they're out there
shouting me too.
I see we also have the
Arizona prosecutor they hired,
Ms. Mitchell.
I'm flying back to Arizona
like a freaking champ.
Dana, I hate to interrupt
you.
I need a break from this.
Let's throw it over to Kate
Bennet with the losing team
Chuck schumer.
Senator schumer, what went
wrong?
My doctor thinks it might be
sciatica.
I meant with the kavanaugh
vote.
Oh, yeah.
Well, the dems lost another one.
We thought this time would be
better than the Anita hill
hearing because Dr. Ford was
white but turned out Brett
kavanaugh was white too and we
were completely blindsided by
that.
Understood and I see senator
Joe mansion, the one democrat
yes vote is heading this way
right now.
Joe, listen, no hard
feelings.
Dana, back to you.
Very cool chill energy here.
Several senators appear to be
wearing goggles.
That's right.
These are for the Miller
highlife.
The champagne of beers.
To celebrate, Brett
kavanaugh, the natty lite of
senators.
Let's keep this going.
And live from New York, it's
Saturday night!
♪♪♪
♪♪♪
♪♪♪
announcer: It's
"Saturday night live"!
With --
Beck Bennett,
aidy Bryant,
Michael che,
Pete Davidson,
Mikey day,
Leslie Jones,
Colin jost, Kate McKinnon,
Alex moffat,
Kyle mooney,
cecily strong,
kenan Thompson,
Melissa villasenor.
Featuring --
Heidi gardner,
ego nwodim,
Chris redd,
musical guest --
Travis Scott.
And your host --
awkwafina.
♪♪♪
Ladies and gentlemen --
awkafina.
♪♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you.
Thank you.
I am so stoked to be hosting
"Saturday night live" right now.
[ Cheers and applause ]
My name is awkwafina.
I was going to come out dressed
like a water bottle.
But apparently someone did that.
Just at the top, I want to say
hi to my grandma who's watching
at home.
Grandma -- my grandma thinks
this show is called "comedy
central."
so she is probably watching a
rerun of "tosh point.O" right
now.
Hi, grandma.
I love you.
And it's for you.
It's been a really cool year for
me.
I was in a movie called "crazy
rich asians."
[ Cheers and applause ]
If you don't know me, I'm just
your average Asian trumpet
player turned rapper turned
actress from queens.
I'm a stereotype.
But people still make all these
assumptions about me.
For example, some of my friends
are like, "oh, your movie is
out.
Dude, you must be loaded."
Which is not true.
I'm not a crazy rich Asian.
I'm more like a rebuilding my
credit Asian.
I'm not buying private jets.
I'm splashing out on economy
plus.
You know what I mean?
I'm in an exit row.
Like an extra appetizer at red
lobster.
I buy my underwear in packs of
12 at a cvs still.
Thank you.
That was an underwear packed
joke.
It's good.
I'm actually from New York.
I grew up in queens.
Queens.
[ Cheers and applause ]
My dad still lives there,
actually.
And people assume that my dad
has an accent.
And he does.
He sounds like Donald Trump.
'Cause they're both old dudes
from queens.
So whenever I go home, he's
like, "sweetie, I love you so
much.
Never forget, half your family's
from China."
Very rattling.
Oh, thank you.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Very unsettling.
But before we start, I just want
to say, and this is a true
story, back in 2000, I came here
to 30 rock and waited outside
when my idol Lucy liu hosted
"snl."
[ Cheers and applause ]
I was a kid.
And I didn't have a ticket.
So I knew I wasn't getting in.
But I just wanted to be near the
building.
And I remember how important
that episode was for me.
And how it totally changed what
I thought was possible for an
Asian-American woman.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Standing here tonight is a dream
I never thought would come true.
So thank you, Lucy, for opening
the door.
I wasn't able to make it in the
building back then.
But 18 years later, I am hosting
the show.
So I love you, Lucy.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Be my friend, Lucy.
Travis Scott is here.
So stick around, we'll be right
back.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yo, where the hell are they?
Look like tiny big and her
crew are a bunch of no shows.
Let's dip, yo.
Hold up, hold up.
You guys already scurred?
Better be.
We the tiny big crew after all.
You're going to die tonight.
Why don't you say that to my
face?
I just did, dumb ass.
Your face was there.
Yo, baby teeth, tell him the
rules.
What kind of name is baby
teeth, dude?
I got one baby tooth and it
going nowhere.
Respect, respect.
You know the rules, typical
dance battle.
We dance, you dance.
We win, you go home crying.
You sure about that?
Hey, put that away, Jackson.
We slice them up with our dance
moves.
You wish.
♪♪♪
♪ we gonna rock this ♪
♪ gonna rock you ♪
zbl
[ cheers and applause ]
Okay, so we're that level,
all right.
Prepare to be served.
Get ready for this three
course meal.
Complete with amuse-bouche.
♪♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
Did y'all just bust moves to
"the price is right"?
Yeah, because we winners.
Like on the game show.
Jealous?
It made sense to me but I'm
stupid.
Trying to confuse us.
Throw us off our game.
Tiny bigs is notorious for
that.
We got to bring it.
Come on.
Some freestyle.
♪♪♪
you see that, tiny?
I did, fontein Jackson.
That's what you call some weak
sauce.
Like a watery ass marinara.
Or even Alfredo.
Let's show them how to
thicken it up.
Choke on this.
♪♪♪
[ Buzzer ]
Was that a wrong answer side
effect at the end?
It only punctuated how next
level they are.
They're raising the bar.
We got to be twice as good.
Good luck with that.
Because we brought a secret
weapon.
Yeah.
Little bang bang, get down here.
Wait, little bang bang?
He was the back-up dancer on
the 2014 Mariah Carey tour.
Yeah!
[ Cheers and applause ]
It's time to end this, but
first, I want to be clear with
y'all.
Y'all, y'all corny.
Oh!
Corny, what?
Bang bang, yo.
Don't stand a chance.
Hit it.
♪♪♪
how do you respond to that?
How can we?
It's like we won, boom boom.
Yeah, yeah, get us.
Why don't we all just kick it
together?
♪♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
On Wednesday you received the
first ever presidential alert.
Presidential alert?
This system was the result of
years of careful planning for
use only in cases of national
emergencies.
Failing "New York times" says
I cheated on taxes.
Duh, it's called being smart.
What is this?
Finally, a system for
reaching all Americans when it
counts most.
Alert, Puerto Rico is fine
now?
I guess the paper towels worked?
Every president since fdr has
communicated directly with the
American people.
He had fireside chats.
And now President Trump has
emergency alerts.
Alert, the only difference
hurricane Florence got the
carolinas so wet I thought it
was the premiere of "magic
Mike."
And even some less than
emergencies.
September 11th was almost a
month ago.
Is that even information?
Warning, white men are under
attack.
Oh, no.
Kid rock sounds better than
ever?
Congrats to good guy
Brett kavanaugh.
Believe men.
Hi.
Amber alert, remember
tiffani Amber thiessen?
That's when women were slam
dunk?
I'm not getting any of these
alerts on my phone.
You're not?
No.
Thanks, cricket wireless.
Cricket wireless, now aren't
you happy we have awful service?
Join now for only $2.99 per
decade.
Our phones have candy inside.
[ Cheers and applause ]
It's world war I and 9:00, world
war ii lost in New York but now,
we return to "the hidden tales
of Egypt."
Empress Cleopatra, your
beauticians are here.
Send them in.
Hi, hi.
Oh my god, I'm sorry we're late.
Got stuck for hours in pyramid
construction.
Excuse me?
Call me.
I just came in here with like a
full plague.
I'm Isis.
Normal name.
I do your make-up today and
these are my assistants.
Xerxes and Becky.
What up you duddy horses?
I like the look here.
I'm lying.
Ignore her.
Becky's whole thing is like
she's a nightmare.
So what are we thinking for
tonight?
I'm a queen.
I don't concern myself with
matters of appearance.
Okay.
I am down for a natural look but
for me, and I'm a fan, I want,
oh, god, she looks like a hot
mesopotamia.
Give us something.
Anything.
I want to be like, yes, queen
but now I'm like, no queen.
You forget who you're
speaking to.
Yeah, all I'm saying is
you're going to go out tonight
and your face is going to be
painted on, like, a thousand
vases, right?
This was you last week.
I look horrible.
Delete that, delete that.
Look, you trust me, right?
No.
Okay, funny.
Are you a cat?
Because I worship you.
Come over here.
Let's try something new with
your make-up.
Okay.
Wow.
I'm gagging.
If we were hieroglyphs, this
would be us right now.
Okay, what do we think?
Wait.
Me?
I love it.
Bury my organs in lots of little
jars because I am dead.
I could get used to this.
Rolls, let's do the hair.
How do you feel about
extensions.
Not for me.
Good, it's a full wig.
Is that my hair?
You're welcome.
And just so you know, I work
with her and not for her.
And what do you think?
Well, amazing.
I am officially perfection.
This is my look?
Every day.
This is lunch, brunch,
executions.
I love it.
Thank you.
Been waiting in this chariot
forever.
Get out.
I'm getting ready.
What do you think?
About what?
My hair.
My make-up.
Is it different?
It looks good, I guess.
Shut up.
You spoil me.
Let me get dressed.
Snap me, we got rezzies.
Okay, you guys are cute.
We fight but the sex is
insane.
This has been "the hidden
tales of Egypt."
There's something happening
in Texas.
How y'all feeling today?
Feeling?
The most closely watched race
in America.
I said, how y'all feeling
today?
Dallas.
It is electric.
Y'all like?
Ted Cruz?
We are about to find out.
Ted Cruz.
♪
hi.
I'm Ted Cruz.
He didn't tell me it was going
to be a popularity contest but
we are going to throw the
coolest rally in town.
What do you call a democrat?
Maybe Ted Cruz can't sound
cool, but I bet we can make him
look cool.
Who wants to see Ted Cruz
dunk a basketball?
Need to hit the emergency
party button.
Okay.
Ted's nose is bleeding.
Just wrap this up.
Give it up one more time for
Ted Cruz.
Your future senator.
Ted Cruz.
Ladies and gentleman,
Travis Scott.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪♪
♪ yeah yeah yeah
yeah, ooh
feels like slow motion
we're floating ♪
♪ at the speed
yeah, yeah, yeah
louder louder
higher, higher ♪
♪ higher, higher
higher uhh
yeah higher
it's like standing ♪
♪ in the ocean
we just rocked Coachella
I gave her half
of the check ♪
♪ it was good
honorable mention
to the neck
didn't pass the loud ♪
♪ that was out of respect
afterwards pass the towel
I was out of kleenex
if you take ♪
♪ your girl out
do you expect
if she take her
[ Bleep ] out ♪
♪ do you expect checks
first visit
I gave her
a Pearl necklace ♪
♪ next visit
i'ma need
your girl naked
took a church visit ♪
♪ you know 'cause
the world hectic
like floating
if I can't be in time ♪
♪ I don't know
I don't know
wash on me
wash on me yeah ♪
♪ in the ocean
I can't be loved
I don't know a sound
that's right ♪
♪ standing in the ocean
standing in the ocean
ooh
echoing ♪
♪♪♪
♪ seem like
the life I feel seem like
the life I feel's ♪
♪ a little distant yeah seems
like
the life I need seems like ♪
♪ the life I need's
a little distant yeah
light the remedy yeah sit back ♪
♪ while I watch repeat do it on
repeat-repeat sins controllin'
me yeah angels halos over me.
I need blessings
and my peace you been out
the streets yeah.
Wilin' out on me
and my gs we been goin'
for a week.
Now you
wanna peak, yeah hands up
why they tryna reach.
I can't even
get that deep told you
I don't teach yeah.
Practice, oh, no
never preach practice, oh, no
never preach.
Infiltrate the enemy
moving in
on them randomly
feels like ♪
♪ the life I need's
a little distant
yeah yeah feels like ♪
♪ the life I need yeah feels
like
the life I need's
a little distant ♪
♪ yeah yeah yeah yeah-ah ohh
ohh ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
It's a weekend update with
Colin jost and Michael che.
Hi, everyone, good evening.
Welcome to weekend update.
I'm Michael che.
I'm Colin jost, just hours
ago the senate confirmed
Brett kavanaugh to the supreme
court with a vote of 50-48.
50 is the lowest for a judge in
history but the most yeses
kavanaugh has ever heard.
Listen, even if you look past
Dr. Ford's testimony, kavanaugh
did a bunch of disqualifying
stuff this week.
He basically lied under oath at
a job interview to become a
judge.
That's like cheating on your
wife during your wedding.
And then after, he went full "do
you know who my father is."
He had to publish an apology
letter in the wall street
journal which is something aa
calls step nine.
In that op-ed kavanaugh vowed he
would be an "open minded judge"
starting now.
I actually think kavanaugh will
be open minded because you have
to be pretty open minded to try
a devil's triangle.
This was all following an FBI
investigation which didn't seem
super thorough.
Here's what a law and order
episode based on this
investigation would look like.
We found your fingerprints on
a handle under the cabinet
underneath the kitchen sink.
I have no idea what you're
talking about.
You're free to go.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah, yeah, that -- that FBI
investigation was quite
ridiculous but my question is
for the five out of six
republican women that voted for
kavanaugh.
So y'all like hostages?
This feels like one of those
horror movies where white ladies
in love with the monster but
doesn't know it.
And all the black people
watching are like, oh, Megan,
you about to get ate.
This is not good for any of us.
If these Republicans don't care
about you, oh, they definitely
don't care about me.
If a white lady in tears can't
get justice, there's no hope for
my black as in Jordans.
I'm also angry at democrats
like Cory booker who came out
and called Brett kavanaugh evil
when his nomination was first
announced and then when accused
of actual evil, they had nowhere
to go.
It's like seeing oj doing a
hertz commercial in the '80s
saying this is the worst thing
he'll ever do.
I heard the president say on
TV that it's a very scary time
for young men in America when
you can be guilty of something
that you may not be guilty of.
I have a joke for that.
I just thought it was hilarious.
Old rich white dude telling us
it's a scary time in America.
That is pure comedy and I will
be stealing that line.
Liberals plan to use this to
stoke anger among the gop base
heard of the midterm elections
but if that doesn't work, they
can always fire up their base by
saying any of the following
things.
♪ We're not going
to take it
no we ain't going
to take it ♪
♪ we're not going
to take it
anymore ♪
♪ we're not going
to take it
no we ain't going
to take it ♪
"the New York times" uncovered
that Donald Trump received a
$413 million inheritance from
his father, but Trump said that
what he inherited was actually
not that big.
It was more toadstool size.
It also accused the Trump family
of cheating the government out
of $500 million in taxes.
Personally, I think the IRS
should just seize all the money
the Trump family hid and give it
to Puerto Rico.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Or better yet, they could make
Trump's biggest nightmare come
true and let a bunch of
puerto ricans come live in his
building.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
With midterm elections over a
month away, many Republicans
turn to the Trump name.
Here to comment are first sons
Eric and Donald Trump Jr.
Thank you, Colin, it's good
to be back here at snl, Saturday
night liberals.
How were your summers, guys?
Busy.
For me it was running the Trump
organization, breaking ground on
a new Trump property, and making
inroads into the Chinese
markets.
And for me, swimming lessons.
Someone got his ducky badge.
Show that off.
Look at that.
Yeah.
No longer a tadpole anymore,
buddy.
But midterms are next month, and
that's why my father called for
all Trump hands on deck.
He asked me to stump for
Republicans on the campaign
trail.
He asked me not to do that.
Stay home, Eric.
Yeah.
That's right, bud.
You see all the action on TV.
Fist bump, blow it up.
Ah.
It's not a real exploes.
Just made a noise with my mouth.
It's not magic in any way.
It's just a fist, bud.
My father's confident that that
supposed blue wave isn't making
landfall anytime soon, which I'm
sure makes everyone sad here at
snl, Saturday night liberals.
I'm sorry, I had to do it again.
I'm teasing.
We're on fire.
Maybe we should take over for
jost and che.
I got a joke.
What do the gay black Jews?
No, you can't tell that joke.
But dad does.
No, he does not.
No, he does not.
Yeah, he does.
He does all the voices.
Respectful, a respectful gay
voice.
This week, "the New York
times" reported President Trump
set up sham corporations to
disguise millions in gifts to
avoid taxes.
Our grandfather gave our
father gifts over the years but
it wasn't to avoid taxes.
It was to --
evade taxes.
No.
Eric, you want to play with your
puppet?
That's great, play with that.
Colin, when the left is backed
into a corner.
Eric, you know how a puppet
works.
Put your hand in here, and look.
You can make the mouth move.
Eric, I'm king funny face.
He knows my name.
Yeah.
Everyone knows Eric's name.
He's such a good boy.
Where do you live?
I live in a castle.
I live in a tower.
Okay.
Can I ask you a question?
What did the gay black Jew?
No, okay.
Eric and Donald Trump Jr.,
thank you, everyone.
Thank you, everyone.
A new initiative on the
ballot in Florida this November
that would restore voting rights
to people with felony
convictions.
I think this is a very important
issue, especially when you
consider the millions of black
and brown men that have been
unfairly incarcerated and should
have the right to vote.
Now, if you disagree with me,
let me remind you, it's a very
scary time for young men in
America.
You can be guilty of something
that you may not be guilty of.
It's a good line.
A father at a gender reveal
party used a high velocity arm
to shoot a target that exploded.
So we don't know the gender, but
we do know who's getting
custody.
A popular new trend in los
Angeles are party goats, goats
brought to parties and jump on
people's backs.
Meanwhile, in China, a popular
new trend is studying math and
science.
The makers of Johnny Walker
are introducing a series of
whiskey inspired by "game of
thrones."
It's so strong, you'll forget
she's your aunt.
An 8-year-old in Pennsylvania
has become a barber and gives
free haircuts to kids in the
neighborhood and guess what?
They suck.
A zoo keeper in Denmark
reported a gay penguin couple
abducted a baby penguin while
his parents were swimming.
This according to an e-mail from
my grandma titled forward,
forward, forward, what Obama
did.
Starbucks baristas in Seattle
are saying they are being forced
to dispose of hyperder mik
needles left behind in the
stores every day by drug users.
Meanwhile, over at 7/11, they're
using them as stirrers.
Last week, kanye west
performed on the show and
afterwards, gave unplanned
speech to the audience in
support of Donald Trump.
Here with his reaction to kanye
speech is Pete Davidson.
[ Cheers and applause ]
First off, a lot of people
thought che should be the one to
talk about kanye.
Because che is black but I'm
crazy and we both know which
side of kanye is at the wheel
right now.
So off to a good start.
So speaking strictly for myself,
what kanye said after he went
off the air last week was one of
the worst like most awkward
things I've ever seen here and
I've seen Chevy chase speak to
an intern.
And we all had to stand behind
him and here's what it looked
like.
So I'm on the left, I'm like,
oh.
But I'm like, I want a career.
So I leave.
So kanye was wearing a maga hat.
That's what it's called.
Stupid.
And he started by saying people
backstage tried to bully him
into not wearing it.
He wore it all week, like,
nobody told him not to wear it.
I wish I bullied you.
I wish I suggested that, you
know, it might upset some
people, like, your wife or every
black person ever.
You know?
I wish someone bullied me into
not wearing this hat.
[ Laughter ]
Can you imagine that that
t-shirt was the second stupidest
thing I was wearing that day?
[ Laughter ]
Then kanye said that democrats
broke up black families with
welfare and that slavery is not
real.
You know how wrong about
politics you have to be for me
to notice?
You know how annoying that is?
Kanye is a genius but like a
musical genius.
Like Joey Chestnut is a hot dog
eating genius but I don't want
to hear his opinion about things
that aren't hot dog related.
Yes, there you go.
I agree.
Thank you.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thanks, guys.
Kanye, I know you're like, this
is the real me.
I'm off the meds.
Take 'em.
No shame in the medicine game.
I'm on them.
It's great.
Take them.
There's nothing wrong with
taking them.
If I ever got on the plane and
the pilot said, I want you to
know, this is the real me
flying.
I'd jump out.
Being mentally ill is not an
excuse to act like a jackass,
okay?
I'm quoting my therapist, my
mom, and my mailman.
Sorry, Carl.
But no, seriously, one time, I
stopped taking my meds and I bit
my mom.
No, it's all good.
I bought her a house.
So is there anything kanye
could do to win you back?
Yeah.
There is.
I'll tell you in a way kanye
understands.
I made this.
Make kanye 2006 again.
Pete Davidson, everyone.
Drop that album.
I'm Michael che.
Where's that album?
Welcome back to "you're
willing to date a magician."
We have four bachelor magicians
hoping to cast a spell on our
contestant, Tracy.
Tracy, why do you want to date a
musician?
Well, I just got out of a 2
year relationship with a dj so
I'm not feeling that picky.
Well, that's fine.
Now let's meet our four single
magicians.
Marconius wild, dividing his
time between Nevada and a parcel
of land outside of Las Vegas,
Nevada.
Tracy, tonight, I am a king.
And I am hoping that you will
be, Tracy, check your pocket.
Oh my god, it's a queen of
hearts.
You're going to want to keep
that.
I need that back, I
appreciate it.
All right, then.
Yes, next is Henry Van dazzle.
He calls himself an artisan
of amazement on his LinkedIn
page.
Charmed, lady.
I said no shackles could hold me
until I met you.
Whoa, that's impressive,
right?
Yeah, it's a cool party
trick.
If only one could be invited
to a party.
Okay, next is Dante raven.
Dante described as a body
endurance artist and the prince
of self-inflicted pain.
Hey, Tracy.
I'm the guy for you.
I once had a billiard ball to
impress valderrama but enough
about me, I better hold my
tongue.
Please.
No more.
Why, why?
She don't like that, Dante.
That's not magic.
Finally, we have justen bird
from the brother and sister
team, byrds of prey.
Fans they their acts violate the
laws of time and space.
Ha-ha.
Indeed.
Those are only some of the laws
my sister and I have violated.
Yeah, he's nice but it's
weird his sister is always with
him.
Don't want my sister around?
I can easily make her disappear.
Vanessa, Vanessa.
Oh.
I thought I lost you.
Okay, Tracy, you are asked to
go on a date with each of our
bachelor magicians.
Let's start with marconius
wilde.
What did you do with him?
He's, he took me to a
bookstore where we browsed for
three hours until he
accidentally found a book he was
mentioned in the thank yous.
It's an intriguing title
called "Houdini's mistress."
Check your pocket, Michelle.
Yeah, I need that back.
All right, then.
Let's go to Henry Van dazzle.
How's your date with him?
A little weird.
He took me to this burlesque
show in Brooklyn.
Thinking man's erotica.
He thought that made it okay
and I saw his idea.
He's 55.
That ID is merely an illusion
I use to get senior discounts at
Denny's.
Okay, dude.
Let's get over to Dante raven.
How did that go?
Dante said he was going to
take me on a freaky journey
inside the mind.
We actually went to a very
modestly priced Italian
restaurant.
Nice.
Later, when they brought the
check, he asked if he could pay
by running a sewing needle
through his testicles.
They said no.
I did it anyway, before I
mastered my pain.
No, Dante.
No.
How about Justin bird?
Where did he take you?
Went to Chile's, which would
have been fine but his sister
kind of stared at me the whole
time.
Kind of like that.
It also got awkward when our
waiter came.
Why is that?
Because it was me.
Waiting tables is my side
hustle.
It's his main hustle.
Okay, Tracy, if you're
willing to go on a moonlit
cruise with one of these guys,
we'll pay for it.
Who will it be?
Marconius?
Henry, Dante or Justin?
Oh, man.
It's so hard to pick one.
Would it be possible to pick
nobody?
Well, that's what happened
last week so let's do it again.
When we come back, we'll tell
you.
Why, Dante, why?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Who got me this?
Jim, was that from you?
It's a little bib that says hot
mess.
Yes, yes, there is this store
that puts gay talk on baby
things.
I couldn't get enough.
What's the door code?
343.
Why?
My girl dede just got you.
What do you mean?
I invited my dog Walker to
come.
To my baby shower?
Why?
Because she's cool and we've
gotten very close through texts
and she's like, somebody I want
to be more like.
Okay, I guess.
Oh, hey, what's up?
I'm dede.
Hi.
Dede, sit down next to me.
Cool party.
Looks like I'm the youngest one
here, pretty dope.
I guess so.
Do you need a plate for that?
Pizza's a plate, right?
That's dede.
Who's the baby shower for?
Me.
I can't believe my due date is
so soon.
Don't be nervous.
We've all been through it.
You'll be fine.
I've had three.
Yeah, I have my Joshua.
Well, we don't all have kids.
I'd need to find a boyfriend
first.
Excuse me, why did everyone
laugh?
Well, she made a little joke.
Is it a joke?
I mean, she doesn't have a
partner.
Is that the funny part?
It's fine.
You're being rude, you know,
the situation.
I know they are but this is
what I'm used to, okay.
It's not like I can say
something.
Where are you going?
Going away.
Look at me.
What's happening?
If you leave right now, they
win.
Is that what you want?
No.
I just, like, I don't need to be
reminded of not having a
boyfriend, you know?
Like, honestly, I've always been
the cutest one.
And I've always had the best
personality and like none of
these girls even dated in high
school.
Like, I did.
So where's my baby?
Hi, why don't we go back to
opening gifts?
This is for me and my triplets.
You upset your friend Carrie.
Get rid of all the baby crap in
this room.
Everybody, get out.
All the baby stuff out of this
room.
We're not doing this to Carrie.
Up, up, up.
No, don't.
Don't rip that down.
This is a baby shower.
My baby shower.
What?
Hey.
Can you stop talking about
yourself for five seconds or
what?
Carrie just opened up her heart.
She said she was prettier
than all of us.
And had a better personality.
That's all you heard?
And now just have to stand here
and stare at your baby.
Hey, uh.
Put that baby in the bedroom.
Uh, no.
Because I'm asking you
nicely.
You put that baby in the bedroom
or I will.
Oh my god, you need to calm
down.
I will tear this place apart
if that's what it takes to get
you to care about your friend.
You've never mentioned
wanting a baby.
I haven't.
I thought about it right now.
I have asked you three times
to put that baby in the
bathroom.
Okay.
Oh my god.
Come on.
Carrie.
I didn't even know you were
looking to date anyone.
Why don't you go out with my
friend Reggie?
He thinks you're really cute.
What, he does?
What?
Yes, I e-mailed you that.
You did?
When?
I threw it out.
Wait, Reggie, oh, he's cute.
Yeah, I guess.
Yeah.
All right, well, this seems
good, feel better?
Yeah.
I want you to remember,
you're better than them
looks-wise and personality-wise.
Don't let them bully you
anymore, okay?
Thanks, girl.
All right, what are we doing?
Shots, presents?
Presents, thank you.
But should we go tell Janet she
can come back?
No, she's been having nervous
gas this whole time.
How do you know it wasn't the
baby?
What does the baby have to be
nervous about?
Super easy to carve.
They should have a blast.
Bye, Sarah.
Say hi to Josh.
Hey, team?
Can I talk to you for a sec?
Yes, sir.
This morning, I found some of
our jumbo pumpkins in the
dumpster.
Some of the pumpkins had holes
cut in them and others were
completely destroyed.
So I cannot believe I have to
ask you this, but did you
perform a lewd act with some of
our pumpkins last night?
No, sir.
All right, well, Louis, the
grounds keeper, saw you, and he
told me what you did.
Right, yes.
And that's because we did do
what you said, sir.
Enough lies, we did do that,
sir.
Do you guys see how this
would be a problem?
That employees of my pumpkin
patch are having sex with the
pumpkins?
I mean, it's not ideal, sir.
I think there's been a
misunderstanding.
They only did it because it felt
good.
Exactly.
That doesn't change my
opinion.
It doesn't change your
opinion on us as people?
Yes.
For worse?
Yeah.
Poor Louis.
He saw the entire thing.
So let me tell you our side
of the story as to clear the air
here?
Sure, Tom.
Let's paint a picture for
you, sir.
Kind of a horny night in
general.
We were talking about that
film, "American pie."
There's a part where Jason
Briggs does dirty deeds with
American pie.
This one time at band camp.
This is where I'll take some
responsibility because I had
dared Nathan.
So to my surprise, it felt
very, very good.
Upon hearing my friend's
happy noises, I decided to grab
a couple pumpkins and do the
same myself.
You guys, this is a family
business.
Kids come here with their
parents.
There's a slide.
I can't have my employees
pumping the pumpkins and Nathan,
I'd expect this from Todd but
pretty disappointed in you,
Nathan.
I thought you were pretty smart,
so for you to do this to a
pumpkin.
You've got anything to say for
yourself, man?
I'm embarrassed.
This is not our finest hour.
To be caught doing that with a
pumpkin?
You had sex with it.
By someone, my boss, who's
also the father of my wife?
I'm your father-in-law.
I will never do this again.
I can't promise that but I'll
try my hardest not to.
I might do it.
Sir, in our defense, have you
ever done that with a pumpkin?
No.
It feels legit.
Todd used a condom.
It makes it even weirder.
Oh.
Now, surprise guys.
I have to let you all go.
Oh, come on.
♪ Let me go ♪
♪ I don't want to be your hero ♪
Wait.
Open the trunk.
Here's a tip.
The more orange the skin, the
softer it is inside.
Good to know.
Thank you, sir.
Happy Halloween.
Happy Halloween.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Once again, Travis Scott.
Once again, Travis Scott.
♪ Sun is down ♪
♪ freezing cold ♪
♪ that's how we know ♪
♪ probably do it ♪
♪ already know
winter's here
my dawg would probably
do it for a Louis belt ♪
♪ that's just all he know
he don't know nothin' else
I tried to show em yeah
I tried to show em ♪
♪ yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah
gone on you
with the pick and roll ♪
♪ young laflame
he in sicko mode
woo made this here
with all the ice ♪
♪ on in the booth
at the gate outside
when they pull up
they get me loose ♪
♪ yeah jump out boys
that's Nike boys
hoppin' out coupes
this way too big ♪
♪ when we pull up
give me the loot
gimme the loot
was off the Remy ♪
♪ had a papoose
had to hit my old town
to duck the news
two-four hour lockdown ♪
♪ we made no moves
now it's 4am
and I'm back up popping
with the crew ♪
♪ I just landed in
chase b mixes
pop like jamba juice
different colored chains ♪
♪ think my jeweler
really sellin' fruits
and they chokin' man
know the wish ♪
♪ it was a noose
some some some
someone said
to win the retreat ♪
♪ we all in too deep
p-p-playin' for keeps
don't play us for weak
someone said ♪
♪ to win the retreat
we all in too deep
p-p-playin' for keeps
don't play us for weak ♪
♪ yeah
this way too formal
y'all know
I don't follow suit ♪
♪ Stacey dash
most of these girls
ain't got a clue
all of these ♪
♪ I made off records
I produced
I might take
all my exes ♪
♪ and put 'em all
in a group
hit my eses
I need the bootch ♪
♪ 'bout to turn
this function to bonnaroo
told her hop in
you comin too
in the 305 ♪
♪ treat me
like I'm uncle Luke
don't stop, pop that
had to slop ♪
♪ the top off
it's just a roof uh
she said where we going
I said the moon ♪
♪ we ain't even
make it to the room
she thought it was
the ocean ♪
♪ it's just the pool
now I got her open
it's just the goose
who put this together ♪
♪ I'm the glue someone said
shorty face timed
me out the blue
someone said ♪
♪ playin' for keeps
someone said
mother what someone said
don't play us for weak ♪
♪♪♪
♪ yeah astro
yeah, yeah
tay Keith
ay, ay ♪
♪ she's in love
with who I am
back in high school
I used to bus it ♪
♪ to the dance
now I hit the fbo
with duffles in my hand
woo ♪
♪ I did half a xan
thirteen hours
'til I land
had me out ♪
♪ like a light
like a light
like a light
like a light ♪
♪ like a light
like a light
like a light
yeah, passed the dawgs ♪
♪ a celly sendin' texts
ain't sendin' kites yeah
he said keep that on lock
I said you know this ♪
♪ it's life yeah
it's absolute yeah
I'm back reboot
it's lit ♪
♪ laferrari to jamba juice
we back on the road
they jumpin' off
no parachute, yeah ♪
♪ shawty in the back
she said she workin'
on her glutes
yeah oh my god ♪
♪ ain't by the book, yeah
this how it look, yeah
'bout a check, yeah
just check the foots ♪
♪ yeah
pass this to my daughter
i'MMA show her
what it took yeah ♪
♪ baby mama cover Forbes
got these other shook
yeah ye-ah ♪
♪♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
Welcome to the 2018 New York
film festival actress round
table.
Tonight's topic, me too, year
two, how we do in Hollywood.
First, marianne.
She's an Oscar winner and I
guess on the show mom, miss
Allison jammy.
That's me, pumpkin.
Next, the star of grey's
anatomy and killing Eve, Sandra
oh.
Hello, it's an honor to play
women who give long speeches
immediately after a shower.
Finally, a legend of classic
films like shimmy on the train
tracks and the jiggle sisters,
the incomparable gibet.
I'm happy to be here.
It's what I wanted to say on my
tombstone.
Would someone write that down?
Miss gold, I have to say, I'm
such a fan.
I have all your movies.
And I have no idea who either
of us is.
Well, this week marks the one
year anniversary of the Harvey
weinstein story.
Despite the strides Hollywood
has made, what still needs to
change?
Some of the men producers are
terrified to get alone with a
woman.
Stop shouting us out.
They need to give bad men
second chances.
Stop using fingerprints when
they commit party murders.
I'm sorry, what?
It's a huge problem in
Hollywood.
They'll have a party in a house
in palm spring.
Some girl takes a nap in the
tool and then they're all,
please, baby, just touch the
knife.
I'll buy you a sweater.
Be a pal.
You girls know what I'm talking
about.
No, I've never experienced
anything like that.
Okay, see.
Progress.
How do you all think that the
movement has spread to the
culture at large?
You see, with politics now,
more women are coming forward.
Let me tell you, these
politicians can defend their
supreme court justice all they
want, but usually when there's
smoke, there's fire.
And when there's fire,
there's Rita Hayworth taking a
cigarette nap.
That sleepy bitch.
You can see in those
hearings, you know there's a
double standard.
If a woman acted the way he did,
she'd be labeled hysterical.
I was labeled hysterical
once.
I asked they will them to clean
costume.
They sent me to a spa to relax
and get a lobotomy.
Now cannot think or smell.
Oh my god, are you okay?
I think so.
How has the movement affected
the types of roles you're being
offered?
It's exciting that this has
sort of compounded the existing
conversation surrounding
representation.
There's so many more roles for
Asian women where before, there
were almost none.
That's not true.
There were plenty of fabulous
parts for Asian gals in the
1940s.
And I played all of them.
That's offensive.
No, it's not, cinder ho.
I was a brunette.
What's the damn problem?
I'm going to ignore all of
that, because I really like her.
I think this moment is an
opportunity women are coming
forward with stories from a long
time ago and they need to be
heard.
I actually would like to come
forward about something that
happened to me a long time ago.
I was babysitting for a very
powerful family.
Have you heard of the
lindberghs?
Yeah, wait, did you lose the
Lindbergh baby?
Well, ish.
I left him on a porch with a
sign that said famous baby,
please don't steal.
What could I do?
I had an audition.
Silver lining, I booked it.
I was the queen of siel.
I'm just going to reset
because my boss is here.
Do you think there's a place for
men in this movement?
Absolutely.
We need male allies.
Right, male allies.
That means gay husband, right?
I had a lot of male allies.
I just want to say there are
plenty of good men who
collaborate with women and
respect their ideas.
I had that kind of
relationship with Orson Wells
when he made king.
I gave him the idea for a Rose
bud but not talking about a darn
sled.
I'm talking about my wet.
I'm afraid we're out of time.
Time for my cigarette nap.
Can we dim the lights please?
Thanks to Travis Scott.
I love you, grandma, I love you,
[ Cheers and applause ]
Good evening, I'm Don lemon.
We've all just witnessed history
as judge Brett kavanaugh was
confirmed by the senate to
become a justice of the supreme
court.
There have been protests in
Washington and several cry
breaks here at CNN.
It's a somber day for many
Americans.
We now go live to Dana bash
whose with senate Republicans.
♪♪♪
Don, I'm here in the gop
locker room where the mood is
nothing short of euphoric.
Whoo, we're going to
kavanaugh this tonight.
Thank you, senator Kennedy.
Quite a display, Dana.
That's right, Don.
There are a lot of pacemakers
being put to the test tonight.
And I see Mitch McConnell here.
Mitch, how are you feeling?
Oh, oh, that was awesome,
whoo.
Do you feel like this is a
win you could be proud of?
Oh, hell yeah, Dana.
Oh, yeah, Republicans read the
mood of the country.
And we could tell that people
really wanted kavanaugh.
Everyone is pumped from white
men over 60 to white men over
70.
We got the pj and squee.
Put this victory in context.
Oh, it's up there with
Vietnam for sure.
I mean this could be historic.
Winning!
Lindsey Graham, do you have a
moment?
We made a lot of women real
worried today but I'm not
getting pregnant so I don't
care.
Take this hat.
Lindsey, walk us through the
final confirmation.
For a while, we thought it
was going to be tied and we were
going to go.
Throwing boats, but thank the
male lord that was not
necessary.
Helped a lot with democrats.
Joe mansion scored in his own
goal, that was dope and couldn't
have done it without Susan colle
nls.
Susan, get over here.
Did I attack?
No, we're all.
Serious, this was all Susan.
Please, the last thing I
wanted was to make this about
me.
That's why I told everyone to
tune in at 3:00 P.M. to tell all
my female supporters, psych.
And you don't think Brett
kavanaugh did anything wrong?
Listen, I think it's
important to believe women until
it's time to stop but I believe
that, you know, I can party with
the big dogs.
We're going to have fun tonight.
Whoo!
That's our girl, our one
girl!
Okay, now, let's party like
it's 2020 when Susan rice takes
my seat.
And senator Jeff flake was
also reportedly on the fence
until yesterday.
Senator flake?
Oh, hey.
Yeah, obviously I was really sad
about the whole process, as you
can tell from my resting bitch
face.
And I really considered all the
testimony.
Because, you know, she had a
serious issue.
You son of a gun.
We knew who you are, flake
the snake.
You were never voting no.
Okay, you got me.
I stink.
But seriously, this one is
about the fans.
They've been there for us all
week cheering and screaming
outside our offices.
I'm sorry, you think those
were fans?
Oh, for sure.
I know they agree with us
because they're out there
shouting me too.
I see we also have the
Arizona prosecutor they hired,
Ms. Mitchell.
I'm flying back to Arizona
like a freaking champ.
Dana, I hate to interrupt
you.
I need a break from this.
Let's throw it over to Kate
Bennet with the losing team
Chuck schumer.
Senator schumer, what went
wrong?
My doctor thinks it might be
sciatica.
I meant with the kavanaugh
vote.
Oh, yeah.
Well, the dems lost another one.
We thought this time would be
better than the Anita hill
hearing because Dr. Ford was
white but turned out Brett
kavanaugh was white too and we
were completely blindsided by
that.
Understood and I see senator
Joe mansion, the one democrat
yes vote is heading this way
right now.
Joe, listen, no hard
feelings.
Dana, back to you.
Very cool chill energy here.
Several senators appear to be
wearing goggles.
That's right.
These are for the Miller
highlife.
The champagne of beers.
To celebrate, Brett
kavanaugh, the natty lite of
senators.
Let's keep this going.
And live from New York, it's
Saturday night!
♪♪♪
♪♪♪
♪♪♪
announcer: It's
"Saturday night live"!
With --
Beck Bennett,
aidy Bryant,
Michael che,
Pete Davidson,
Mikey day,
Leslie Jones,
Colin jost, Kate McKinnon,
Alex moffat,
Kyle mooney,
cecily strong,
kenan Thompson,
Melissa villasenor.
Featuring --
Heidi gardner,
ego nwodim,
Chris redd,
musical guest --
Travis Scott.
And your host --
awkwafina.
♪♪♪
Ladies and gentlemen --
awkafina.
♪♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you.
Thank you.
I am so stoked to be hosting
"Saturday night live" right now.
[ Cheers and applause ]
My name is awkwafina.
I was going to come out dressed
like a water bottle.
But apparently someone did that.
Just at the top, I want to say
hi to my grandma who's watching
at home.
Grandma -- my grandma thinks
this show is called "comedy
central."
so she is probably watching a
rerun of "tosh point.O" right
now.
Hi, grandma.
I love you.
And it's for you.
It's been a really cool year for
me.
I was in a movie called "crazy
rich asians."
[ Cheers and applause ]
If you don't know me, I'm just
your average Asian trumpet
player turned rapper turned
actress from queens.
I'm a stereotype.
But people still make all these
assumptions about me.
For example, some of my friends
are like, "oh, your movie is
out.
Dude, you must be loaded."
Which is not true.
I'm not a crazy rich Asian.
I'm more like a rebuilding my
credit Asian.
I'm not buying private jets.
I'm splashing out on economy
plus.
You know what I mean?
I'm in an exit row.
Like an extra appetizer at red
lobster.
I buy my underwear in packs of
12 at a cvs still.
Thank you.
That was an underwear packed
joke.
It's good.
I'm actually from New York.
I grew up in queens.
Queens.
[ Cheers and applause ]
My dad still lives there,
actually.
And people assume that my dad
has an accent.
And he does.
He sounds like Donald Trump.
'Cause they're both old dudes
from queens.
So whenever I go home, he's
like, "sweetie, I love you so
much.
Never forget, half your family's
from China."
Very rattling.
Oh, thank you.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Very unsettling.
But before we start, I just want
to say, and this is a true
story, back in 2000, I came here
to 30 rock and waited outside
when my idol Lucy liu hosted
"snl."
[ Cheers and applause ]
I was a kid.
And I didn't have a ticket.
So I knew I wasn't getting in.
But I just wanted to be near the
building.
And I remember how important
that episode was for me.
And how it totally changed what
I thought was possible for an
Asian-American woman.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Standing here tonight is a dream
I never thought would come true.
So thank you, Lucy, for opening
the door.
I wasn't able to make it in the
building back then.
But 18 years later, I am hosting
the show.
So I love you, Lucy.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Be my friend, Lucy.
Travis Scott is here.
So stick around, we'll be right
back.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yo, where the hell are they?
Look like tiny big and her
crew are a bunch of no shows.
Let's dip, yo.
Hold up, hold up.
You guys already scurred?
Better be.
We the tiny big crew after all.
You're going to die tonight.
Why don't you say that to my
face?
I just did, dumb ass.
Your face was there.
Yo, baby teeth, tell him the
rules.
What kind of name is baby
teeth, dude?
I got one baby tooth and it
going nowhere.
Respect, respect.
You know the rules, typical
dance battle.
We dance, you dance.
We win, you go home crying.
You sure about that?
Hey, put that away, Jackson.
We slice them up with our dance
moves.
You wish.
♪♪♪
♪ we gonna rock this ♪
♪ gonna rock you ♪
zbl
[ cheers and applause ]
Okay, so we're that level,
all right.
Prepare to be served.
Get ready for this three
course meal.
Complete with amuse-bouche.
♪♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
Did y'all just bust moves to
"the price is right"?
Yeah, because we winners.
Like on the game show.
Jealous?
It made sense to me but I'm
stupid.
Trying to confuse us.
Throw us off our game.
Tiny bigs is notorious for
that.
We got to bring it.
Come on.
Some freestyle.
♪♪♪
you see that, tiny?
I did, fontein Jackson.
That's what you call some weak
sauce.
Like a watery ass marinara.
Or even Alfredo.
Let's show them how to
thicken it up.
Choke on this.
♪♪♪
[ Buzzer ]
Was that a wrong answer side
effect at the end?
It only punctuated how next
level they are.
They're raising the bar.
We got to be twice as good.
Good luck with that.
Because we brought a secret
weapon.
Yeah.
Little bang bang, get down here.
Wait, little bang bang?
He was the back-up dancer on
the 2014 Mariah Carey tour.
Yeah!
[ Cheers and applause ]
It's time to end this, but
first, I want to be clear with
y'all.
Y'all, y'all corny.
Oh!
Corny, what?
Bang bang, yo.
Don't stand a chance.
Hit it.
♪♪♪
how do you respond to that?
How can we?
It's like we won, boom boom.
Yeah, yeah, get us.
Why don't we all just kick it
together?
♪♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
On Wednesday you received the
first ever presidential alert.
Presidential alert?
This system was the result of
years of careful planning for
use only in cases of national
emergencies.
Failing "New York times" says
I cheated on taxes.
Duh, it's called being smart.
What is this?
Finally, a system for
reaching all Americans when it
counts most.
Alert, Puerto Rico is fine
now?
I guess the paper towels worked?
Every president since fdr has
communicated directly with the
American people.
He had fireside chats.
And now President Trump has
emergency alerts.
Alert, the only difference
hurricane Florence got the
carolinas so wet I thought it
was the premiere of "magic
Mike."
And even some less than
emergencies.
September 11th was almost a
month ago.
Is that even information?
Warning, white men are under
attack.
Oh, no.
Kid rock sounds better than
ever?
Congrats to good guy
Brett kavanaugh.
Believe men.
Hi.
Amber alert, remember
tiffani Amber thiessen?
That's when women were slam
dunk?
I'm not getting any of these
alerts on my phone.
You're not?
No.
Thanks, cricket wireless.
Cricket wireless, now aren't
you happy we have awful service?
Join now for only $2.99 per
decade.
Our phones have candy inside.
[ Cheers and applause ]
It's world war I and 9:00, world
war ii lost in New York but now,
we return to "the hidden tales
of Egypt."
Empress Cleopatra, your
beauticians are here.
Send them in.
Hi, hi.
Oh my god, I'm sorry we're late.
Got stuck for hours in pyramid
construction.
Excuse me?
Call me.
I just came in here with like a
full plague.
I'm Isis.
Normal name.
I do your make-up today and
these are my assistants.
Xerxes and Becky.
What up you duddy horses?
I like the look here.
I'm lying.
Ignore her.
Becky's whole thing is like
she's a nightmare.
So what are we thinking for
tonight?
I'm a queen.
I don't concern myself with
matters of appearance.
Okay.
I am down for a natural look but
for me, and I'm a fan, I want,
oh, god, she looks like a hot
mesopotamia.
Give us something.
Anything.
I want to be like, yes, queen
but now I'm like, no queen.
You forget who you're
speaking to.
Yeah, all I'm saying is
you're going to go out tonight
and your face is going to be
painted on, like, a thousand
vases, right?
This was you last week.
I look horrible.
Delete that, delete that.
Look, you trust me, right?
No.
Okay, funny.
Are you a cat?
Because I worship you.
Come over here.
Let's try something new with
your make-up.
Okay.
Wow.
I'm gagging.
If we were hieroglyphs, this
would be us right now.
Okay, what do we think?
Wait.
Me?
I love it.
Bury my organs in lots of little
jars because I am dead.
I could get used to this.
Rolls, let's do the hair.
How do you feel about
extensions.
Not for me.
Good, it's a full wig.
Is that my hair?
You're welcome.
And just so you know, I work
with her and not for her.
And what do you think?
Well, amazing.
I am officially perfection.
This is my look?
Every day.
This is lunch, brunch,
executions.
I love it.
Thank you.
Been waiting in this chariot
forever.
Get out.
I'm getting ready.
What do you think?
About what?
My hair.
My make-up.
Is it different?
It looks good, I guess.
Shut up.
You spoil me.
Let me get dressed.
Snap me, we got rezzies.
Okay, you guys are cute.
We fight but the sex is
insane.
This has been "the hidden
tales of Egypt."
There's something happening
in Texas.
How y'all feeling today?
Feeling?
The most closely watched race
in America.
I said, how y'all feeling
today?
Dallas.
It is electric.
Y'all like?
Ted Cruz?
We are about to find out.
Ted Cruz.
♪
hi.
I'm Ted Cruz.
He didn't tell me it was going
to be a popularity contest but
we are going to throw the
coolest rally in town.
What do you call a democrat?
Maybe Ted Cruz can't sound
cool, but I bet we can make him
look cool.
Who wants to see Ted Cruz
dunk a basketball?
Need to hit the emergency
party button.
Okay.
Ted's nose is bleeding.
Just wrap this up.
Give it up one more time for
Ted Cruz.
Your future senator.
Ted Cruz.
Ladies and gentleman,
Travis Scott.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪♪
♪ yeah yeah yeah
yeah, ooh
feels like slow motion
we're floating ♪
♪ at the speed
yeah, yeah, yeah
louder louder
higher, higher ♪
♪ higher, higher
higher uhh
yeah higher
it's like standing ♪
♪ in the ocean
we just rocked Coachella
I gave her half
of the check ♪
♪ it was good
honorable mention
to the neck
didn't pass the loud ♪
♪ that was out of respect
afterwards pass the towel
I was out of kleenex
if you take ♪
♪ your girl out
do you expect
if she take her
[ Bleep ] out ♪
♪ do you expect checks
first visit
I gave her
a Pearl necklace ♪
♪ next visit
i'ma need
your girl naked
took a church visit ♪
♪ you know 'cause
the world hectic
like floating
if I can't be in time ♪
♪ I don't know
I don't know
wash on me
wash on me yeah ♪
♪ in the ocean
I can't be loved
I don't know a sound
that's right ♪
♪ standing in the ocean
standing in the ocean
ooh
echoing ♪
♪♪♪
♪ seem like
the life I feel seem like
the life I feel's ♪
♪ a little distant yeah seems
like
the life I need seems like ♪
♪ the life I need's
a little distant yeah
light the remedy yeah sit back ♪
♪ while I watch repeat do it on
repeat-repeat sins controllin'
me yeah angels halos over me.
I need blessings
and my peace you been out
the streets yeah.
Wilin' out on me
and my gs we been goin'
for a week.
Now you
wanna peak, yeah hands up
why they tryna reach.
I can't even
get that deep told you
I don't teach yeah.
Practice, oh, no
never preach practice, oh, no
never preach.
Infiltrate the enemy
moving in
on them randomly
feels like ♪
♪ the life I need's
a little distant
yeah yeah feels like ♪
♪ the life I need yeah feels
like
the life I need's
a little distant ♪
♪ yeah yeah yeah yeah-ah ohh
ohh ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
It's a weekend update with
Colin jost and Michael che.
Hi, everyone, good evening.
Welcome to weekend update.
I'm Michael che.
I'm Colin jost, just hours
ago the senate confirmed
Brett kavanaugh to the supreme
court with a vote of 50-48.
50 is the lowest for a judge in
history but the most yeses
kavanaugh has ever heard.
Listen, even if you look past
Dr. Ford's testimony, kavanaugh
did a bunch of disqualifying
stuff this week.
He basically lied under oath at
a job interview to become a
judge.
That's like cheating on your
wife during your wedding.
And then after, he went full "do
you know who my father is."
He had to publish an apology
letter in the wall street
journal which is something aa
calls step nine.
In that op-ed kavanaugh vowed he
would be an "open minded judge"
starting now.
I actually think kavanaugh will
be open minded because you have
to be pretty open minded to try
a devil's triangle.
This was all following an FBI
investigation which didn't seem
super thorough.
Here's what a law and order
episode based on this
investigation would look like.
We found your fingerprints on
a handle under the cabinet
underneath the kitchen sink.
I have no idea what you're
talking about.
You're free to go.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah, yeah, that -- that FBI
investigation was quite
ridiculous but my question is
for the five out of six
republican women that voted for
kavanaugh.
So y'all like hostages?
This feels like one of those
horror movies where white ladies
in love with the monster but
doesn't know it.
And all the black people
watching are like, oh, Megan,
you about to get ate.
This is not good for any of us.
If these Republicans don't care
about you, oh, they definitely
don't care about me.
If a white lady in tears can't
get justice, there's no hope for
my black as in Jordans.
I'm also angry at democrats
like Cory booker who came out
and called Brett kavanaugh evil
when his nomination was first
announced and then when accused
of actual evil, they had nowhere
to go.
It's like seeing oj doing a
hertz commercial in the '80s
saying this is the worst thing
he'll ever do.
I heard the president say on
TV that it's a very scary time
for young men in America when
you can be guilty of something
that you may not be guilty of.
I have a joke for that.
I just thought it was hilarious.
Old rich white dude telling us
it's a scary time in America.
That is pure comedy and I will
be stealing that line.
Liberals plan to use this to
stoke anger among the gop base
heard of the midterm elections
but if that doesn't work, they
can always fire up their base by
saying any of the following
things.
♪ We're not going
to take it
no we ain't going
to take it ♪
♪ we're not going
to take it
anymore ♪
♪ we're not going
to take it
no we ain't going
to take it ♪
"the New York times" uncovered
that Donald Trump received a
$413 million inheritance from
his father, but Trump said that
what he inherited was actually
not that big.
It was more toadstool size.
It also accused the Trump family
of cheating the government out
of $500 million in taxes.
Personally, I think the IRS
should just seize all the money
the Trump family hid and give it
to Puerto Rico.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Or better yet, they could make
Trump's biggest nightmare come
true and let a bunch of
puerto ricans come live in his
building.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
With midterm elections over a
month away, many Republicans
turn to the Trump name.
Here to comment are first sons
Eric and Donald Trump Jr.
Thank you, Colin, it's good
to be back here at snl, Saturday
night liberals.
How were your summers, guys?
Busy.
For me it was running the Trump
organization, breaking ground on
a new Trump property, and making
inroads into the Chinese
markets.
And for me, swimming lessons.
Someone got his ducky badge.
Show that off.
Look at that.
Yeah.
No longer a tadpole anymore,
buddy.
But midterms are next month, and
that's why my father called for
all Trump hands on deck.
He asked me to stump for
Republicans on the campaign
trail.
He asked me not to do that.
Stay home, Eric.
Yeah.
That's right, bud.
You see all the action on TV.
Fist bump, blow it up.
Ah.
It's not a real exploes.
Just made a noise with my mouth.
It's not magic in any way.
It's just a fist, bud.
My father's confident that that
supposed blue wave isn't making
landfall anytime soon, which I'm
sure makes everyone sad here at
snl, Saturday night liberals.
I'm sorry, I had to do it again.
I'm teasing.
We're on fire.
Maybe we should take over for
jost and che.
I got a joke.
What do the gay black Jews?
No, you can't tell that joke.
But dad does.
No, he does not.
No, he does not.
Yeah, he does.
He does all the voices.
Respectful, a respectful gay
voice.
This week, "the New York
times" reported President Trump
set up sham corporations to
disguise millions in gifts to
avoid taxes.
Our grandfather gave our
father gifts over the years but
it wasn't to avoid taxes.
It was to --
evade taxes.
No.
Eric, you want to play with your
puppet?
That's great, play with that.
Colin, when the left is backed
into a corner.
Eric, you know how a puppet
works.
Put your hand in here, and look.
You can make the mouth move.
Eric, I'm king funny face.
He knows my name.
Yeah.
Everyone knows Eric's name.
He's such a good boy.
Where do you live?
I live in a castle.
I live in a tower.
Okay.
Can I ask you a question?
What did the gay black Jew?
No, okay.
Eric and Donald Trump Jr.,
thank you, everyone.
Thank you, everyone.
A new initiative on the
ballot in Florida this November
that would restore voting rights
to people with felony
convictions.
I think this is a very important
issue, especially when you
consider the millions of black
and brown men that have been
unfairly incarcerated and should
have the right to vote.
Now, if you disagree with me,
let me remind you, it's a very
scary time for young men in
America.
You can be guilty of something
that you may not be guilty of.
It's a good line.
A father at a gender reveal
party used a high velocity arm
to shoot a target that exploded.
So we don't know the gender, but
we do know who's getting
custody.
A popular new trend in los
Angeles are party goats, goats
brought to parties and jump on
people's backs.
Meanwhile, in China, a popular
new trend is studying math and
science.
The makers of Johnny Walker
are introducing a series of
whiskey inspired by "game of
thrones."
It's so strong, you'll forget
she's your aunt.
An 8-year-old in Pennsylvania
has become a barber and gives
free haircuts to kids in the
neighborhood and guess what?
They suck.
A zoo keeper in Denmark
reported a gay penguin couple
abducted a baby penguin while
his parents were swimming.
This according to an e-mail from
my grandma titled forward,
forward, forward, what Obama
did.
Starbucks baristas in Seattle
are saying they are being forced
to dispose of hyperder mik
needles left behind in the
stores every day by drug users.
Meanwhile, over at 7/11, they're
using them as stirrers.
Last week, kanye west
performed on the show and
afterwards, gave unplanned
speech to the audience in
support of Donald Trump.
Here with his reaction to kanye
speech is Pete Davidson.
[ Cheers and applause ]
First off, a lot of people
thought che should be the one to
talk about kanye.
Because che is black but I'm
crazy and we both know which
side of kanye is at the wheel
right now.
So off to a good start.
So speaking strictly for myself,
what kanye said after he went
off the air last week was one of
the worst like most awkward
things I've ever seen here and
I've seen Chevy chase speak to
an intern.
And we all had to stand behind
him and here's what it looked
like.
So I'm on the left, I'm like,
oh.
But I'm like, I want a career.
So I leave.
So kanye was wearing a maga hat.
That's what it's called.
Stupid.
And he started by saying people
backstage tried to bully him
into not wearing it.
He wore it all week, like,
nobody told him not to wear it.
I wish I bullied you.
I wish I suggested that, you
know, it might upset some
people, like, your wife or every
black person ever.
You know?
I wish someone bullied me into
not wearing this hat.
[ Laughter ]
Can you imagine that that
t-shirt was the second stupidest
thing I was wearing that day?
[ Laughter ]
Then kanye said that democrats
broke up black families with
welfare and that slavery is not
real.
You know how wrong about
politics you have to be for me
to notice?
You know how annoying that is?
Kanye is a genius but like a
musical genius.
Like Joey Chestnut is a hot dog
eating genius but I don't want
to hear his opinion about things
that aren't hot dog related.
Yes, there you go.
I agree.
Thank you.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thanks, guys.
Kanye, I know you're like, this
is the real me.
I'm off the meds.
Take 'em.
No shame in the medicine game.
I'm on them.
It's great.
Take them.
There's nothing wrong with
taking them.
If I ever got on the plane and
the pilot said, I want you to
know, this is the real me
flying.
I'd jump out.
Being mentally ill is not an
excuse to act like a jackass,
okay?
I'm quoting my therapist, my
mom, and my mailman.
Sorry, Carl.
But no, seriously, one time, I
stopped taking my meds and I bit
my mom.
No, it's all good.
I bought her a house.
So is there anything kanye
could do to win you back?
Yeah.
There is.
I'll tell you in a way kanye
understands.
I made this.
Make kanye 2006 again.
Pete Davidson, everyone.
Drop that album.
I'm Michael che.
Where's that album?
Welcome back to "you're
willing to date a magician."
We have four bachelor magicians
hoping to cast a spell on our
contestant, Tracy.
Tracy, why do you want to date a
musician?
Well, I just got out of a 2
year relationship with a dj so
I'm not feeling that picky.
Well, that's fine.
Now let's meet our four single
magicians.
Marconius wild, dividing his
time between Nevada and a parcel
of land outside of Las Vegas,
Nevada.
Tracy, tonight, I am a king.
And I am hoping that you will
be, Tracy, check your pocket.
Oh my god, it's a queen of
hearts.
You're going to want to keep
that.
I need that back, I
appreciate it.
All right, then.
Yes, next is Henry Van dazzle.
He calls himself an artisan
of amazement on his LinkedIn
page.
Charmed, lady.
I said no shackles could hold me
until I met you.
Whoa, that's impressive,
right?
Yeah, it's a cool party
trick.
If only one could be invited
to a party.
Okay, next is Dante raven.
Dante described as a body
endurance artist and the prince
of self-inflicted pain.
Hey, Tracy.
I'm the guy for you.
I once had a billiard ball to
impress valderrama but enough
about me, I better hold my
tongue.
Please.
No more.
Why, why?
She don't like that, Dante.
That's not magic.
Finally, we have justen bird
from the brother and sister
team, byrds of prey.
Fans they their acts violate the
laws of time and space.
Ha-ha.
Indeed.
Those are only some of the laws
my sister and I have violated.
Yeah, he's nice but it's
weird his sister is always with
him.
Don't want my sister around?
I can easily make her disappear.
Vanessa, Vanessa.
Oh.
I thought I lost you.
Okay, Tracy, you are asked to
go on a date with each of our
bachelor magicians.
Let's start with marconius
wilde.
What did you do with him?
He's, he took me to a
bookstore where we browsed for
three hours until he
accidentally found a book he was
mentioned in the thank yous.
It's an intriguing title
called "Houdini's mistress."
Check your pocket, Michelle.
Yeah, I need that back.
All right, then.
Let's go to Henry Van dazzle.
How's your date with him?
A little weird.
He took me to this burlesque
show in Brooklyn.
Thinking man's erotica.
He thought that made it okay
and I saw his idea.
He's 55.
That ID is merely an illusion
I use to get senior discounts at
Denny's.
Okay, dude.
Let's get over to Dante raven.
How did that go?
Dante said he was going to
take me on a freaky journey
inside the mind.
We actually went to a very
modestly priced Italian
restaurant.
Nice.
Later, when they brought the
check, he asked if he could pay
by running a sewing needle
through his testicles.
They said no.
I did it anyway, before I
mastered my pain.
No, Dante.
No.
How about Justin bird?
Where did he take you?
Went to Chile's, which would
have been fine but his sister
kind of stared at me the whole
time.
Kind of like that.
It also got awkward when our
waiter came.
Why is that?
Because it was me.
Waiting tables is my side
hustle.
It's his main hustle.
Okay, Tracy, if you're
willing to go on a moonlit
cruise with one of these guys,
we'll pay for it.
Who will it be?
Marconius?
Henry, Dante or Justin?
Oh, man.
It's so hard to pick one.
Would it be possible to pick
nobody?
Well, that's what happened
last week so let's do it again.
When we come back, we'll tell
you.
Why, Dante, why?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Who got me this?
Jim, was that from you?
It's a little bib that says hot
mess.
Yes, yes, there is this store
that puts gay talk on baby
things.
I couldn't get enough.
What's the door code?
343.
Why?
My girl dede just got you.
What do you mean?
I invited my dog Walker to
come.
To my baby shower?
Why?
Because she's cool and we've
gotten very close through texts
and she's like, somebody I want
to be more like.
Okay, I guess.
Oh, hey, what's up?
I'm dede.
Hi.
Dede, sit down next to me.
Cool party.
Looks like I'm the youngest one
here, pretty dope.
I guess so.
Do you need a plate for that?
Pizza's a plate, right?
That's dede.
Who's the baby shower for?
Me.
I can't believe my due date is
so soon.
Don't be nervous.
We've all been through it.
You'll be fine.
I've had three.
Yeah, I have my Joshua.
Well, we don't all have kids.
I'd need to find a boyfriend
first.
Excuse me, why did everyone
laugh?
Well, she made a little joke.
Is it a joke?
I mean, she doesn't have a
partner.
Is that the funny part?
It's fine.
You're being rude, you know,
the situation.
I know they are but this is
what I'm used to, okay.
It's not like I can say
something.
Where are you going?
Going away.
Look at me.
What's happening?
If you leave right now, they
win.
Is that what you want?
No.
I just, like, I don't need to be
reminded of not having a
boyfriend, you know?
Like, honestly, I've always been
the cutest one.
And I've always had the best
personality and like none of
these girls even dated in high
school.
Like, I did.
So where's my baby?
Hi, why don't we go back to
opening gifts?
This is for me and my triplets.
You upset your friend Carrie.
Get rid of all the baby crap in
this room.
Everybody, get out.
All the baby stuff out of this
room.
We're not doing this to Carrie.
Up, up, up.
No, don't.
Don't rip that down.
This is a baby shower.
My baby shower.
What?
Hey.
Can you stop talking about
yourself for five seconds or
what?
Carrie just opened up her heart.
She said she was prettier
than all of us.
And had a better personality.
That's all you heard?
And now just have to stand here
and stare at your baby.
Hey, uh.
Put that baby in the bedroom.
Uh, no.
Because I'm asking you
nicely.
You put that baby in the bedroom
or I will.
Oh my god, you need to calm
down.
I will tear this place apart
if that's what it takes to get
you to care about your friend.
You've never mentioned
wanting a baby.
I haven't.
I thought about it right now.
I have asked you three times
to put that baby in the
bathroom.
Okay.
Oh my god.
Come on.
Carrie.
I didn't even know you were
looking to date anyone.
Why don't you go out with my
friend Reggie?
He thinks you're really cute.
What, he does?
What?
Yes, I e-mailed you that.
You did?
When?
I threw it out.
Wait, Reggie, oh, he's cute.
Yeah, I guess.
Yeah.
All right, well, this seems
good, feel better?
Yeah.
I want you to remember,
you're better than them
looks-wise and personality-wise.
Don't let them bully you
anymore, okay?
Thanks, girl.
All right, what are we doing?
Shots, presents?
Presents, thank you.
But should we go tell Janet she
can come back?
No, she's been having nervous
gas this whole time.
How do you know it wasn't the
baby?
What does the baby have to be
nervous about?
Super easy to carve.
They should have a blast.
Bye, Sarah.
Say hi to Josh.
Hey, team?
Can I talk to you for a sec?
Yes, sir.
This morning, I found some of
our jumbo pumpkins in the
dumpster.
Some of the pumpkins had holes
cut in them and others were
completely destroyed.
So I cannot believe I have to
ask you this, but did you
perform a lewd act with some of
our pumpkins last night?
No, sir.
All right, well, Louis, the
grounds keeper, saw you, and he
told me what you did.
Right, yes.
And that's because we did do
what you said, sir.
Enough lies, we did do that,
sir.
Do you guys see how this
would be a problem?
That employees of my pumpkin
patch are having sex with the
pumpkins?
I mean, it's not ideal, sir.
I think there's been a
misunderstanding.
They only did it because it felt
good.
Exactly.
That doesn't change my
opinion.
It doesn't change your
opinion on us as people?
Yes.
For worse?
Yeah.
Poor Louis.
He saw the entire thing.
So let me tell you our side
of the story as to clear the air
here?
Sure, Tom.
Let's paint a picture for
you, sir.
Kind of a horny night in
general.
We were talking about that
film, "American pie."
There's a part where Jason
Briggs does dirty deeds with
American pie.
This one time at band camp.
This is where I'll take some
responsibility because I had
dared Nathan.
So to my surprise, it felt
very, very good.
Upon hearing my friend's
happy noises, I decided to grab
a couple pumpkins and do the
same myself.
You guys, this is a family
business.
Kids come here with their
parents.
There's a slide.
I can't have my employees
pumping the pumpkins and Nathan,
I'd expect this from Todd but
pretty disappointed in you,
Nathan.
I thought you were pretty smart,
so for you to do this to a
pumpkin.
You've got anything to say for
yourself, man?
I'm embarrassed.
This is not our finest hour.
To be caught doing that with a
pumpkin?
You had sex with it.
By someone, my boss, who's
also the father of my wife?
I'm your father-in-law.
I will never do this again.
I can't promise that but I'll
try my hardest not to.
I might do it.
Sir, in our defense, have you
ever done that with a pumpkin?
No.
It feels legit.
Todd used a condom.
It makes it even weirder.
Oh.
Now, surprise guys.
I have to let you all go.
Oh, come on.
♪ Let me go ♪
♪ I don't want to be your hero ♪
Wait.
Open the trunk.
Here's a tip.
The more orange the skin, the
softer it is inside.
Good to know.
Thank you, sir.
Happy Halloween.
Happy Halloween.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Once again, Travis Scott.
Once again, Travis Scott.
♪ Sun is down ♪
♪ freezing cold ♪
♪ that's how we know ♪
♪ probably do it ♪
♪ already know
winter's here
my dawg would probably
do it for a Louis belt ♪
♪ that's just all he know
he don't know nothin' else
I tried to show em yeah
I tried to show em ♪
♪ yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah
gone on you
with the pick and roll ♪
♪ young laflame
he in sicko mode
woo made this here
with all the ice ♪
♪ on in the booth
at the gate outside
when they pull up
they get me loose ♪
♪ yeah jump out boys
that's Nike boys
hoppin' out coupes
this way too big ♪
♪ when we pull up
give me the loot
gimme the loot
was off the Remy ♪
♪ had a papoose
had to hit my old town
to duck the news
two-four hour lockdown ♪
♪ we made no moves
now it's 4am
and I'm back up popping
with the crew ♪
♪ I just landed in
chase b mixes
pop like jamba juice
different colored chains ♪
♪ think my jeweler
really sellin' fruits
and they chokin' man
know the wish ♪
♪ it was a noose
some some some
someone said
to win the retreat ♪
♪ we all in too deep
p-p-playin' for keeps
don't play us for weak
someone said ♪
♪ to win the retreat
we all in too deep
p-p-playin' for keeps
don't play us for weak ♪
♪ yeah
this way too formal
y'all know
I don't follow suit ♪
♪ Stacey dash
most of these girls
ain't got a clue
all of these ♪
♪ I made off records
I produced
I might take
all my exes ♪
♪ and put 'em all
in a group
hit my eses
I need the bootch ♪
♪ 'bout to turn
this function to bonnaroo
told her hop in
you comin too
in the 305 ♪
♪ treat me
like I'm uncle Luke
don't stop, pop that
had to slop ♪
♪ the top off
it's just a roof uh
she said where we going
I said the moon ♪
♪ we ain't even
make it to the room
she thought it was
the ocean ♪
♪ it's just the pool
now I got her open
it's just the goose
who put this together ♪
♪ I'm the glue someone said
shorty face timed
me out the blue
someone said ♪
♪ playin' for keeps
someone said
mother what someone said
don't play us for weak ♪
♪♪♪
♪ yeah astro
yeah, yeah
tay Keith
ay, ay ♪
♪ she's in love
with who I am
back in high school
I used to bus it ♪
♪ to the dance
now I hit the fbo
with duffles in my hand
woo ♪
♪ I did half a xan
thirteen hours
'til I land
had me out ♪
♪ like a light
like a light
like a light
like a light ♪
♪ like a light
like a light
like a light
yeah, passed the dawgs ♪
♪ a celly sendin' texts
ain't sendin' kites yeah
he said keep that on lock
I said you know this ♪
♪ it's life yeah
it's absolute yeah
I'm back reboot
it's lit ♪
♪ laferrari to jamba juice
we back on the road
they jumpin' off
no parachute, yeah ♪
♪ shawty in the back
she said she workin'
on her glutes
yeah oh my god ♪
♪ ain't by the book, yeah
this how it look, yeah
'bout a check, yeah
just check the foots ♪
♪ yeah
pass this to my daughter
i'MMA show her
what it took yeah ♪
♪ baby mama cover Forbes
got these other shook
yeah ye-ah ♪
♪♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
Welcome to the 2018 New York
film festival actress round
table.
Tonight's topic, me too, year
two, how we do in Hollywood.
First, marianne.
She's an Oscar winner and I
guess on the show mom, miss
Allison jammy.
That's me, pumpkin.
Next, the star of grey's
anatomy and killing Eve, Sandra
oh.
Hello, it's an honor to play
women who give long speeches
immediately after a shower.
Finally, a legend of classic
films like shimmy on the train
tracks and the jiggle sisters,
the incomparable gibet.
I'm happy to be here.
It's what I wanted to say on my
tombstone.
Would someone write that down?
Miss gold, I have to say, I'm
such a fan.
I have all your movies.
And I have no idea who either
of us is.
Well, this week marks the one
year anniversary of the Harvey
weinstein story.
Despite the strides Hollywood
has made, what still needs to
change?
Some of the men producers are
terrified to get alone with a
woman.
Stop shouting us out.
They need to give bad men
second chances.
Stop using fingerprints when
they commit party murders.
I'm sorry, what?
It's a huge problem in
Hollywood.
They'll have a party in a house
in palm spring.
Some girl takes a nap in the
tool and then they're all,
please, baby, just touch the
knife.
I'll buy you a sweater.
Be a pal.
You girls know what I'm talking
about.
No, I've never experienced
anything like that.
Okay, see.
Progress.
How do you all think that the
movement has spread to the
culture at large?
You see, with politics now,
more women are coming forward.
Let me tell you, these
politicians can defend their
supreme court justice all they
want, but usually when there's
smoke, there's fire.
And when there's fire,
there's Rita Hayworth taking a
cigarette nap.
That sleepy bitch.
You can see in those
hearings, you know there's a
double standard.
If a woman acted the way he did,
she'd be labeled hysterical.
I was labeled hysterical
once.
I asked they will them to clean
costume.
They sent me to a spa to relax
and get a lobotomy.
Now cannot think or smell.
Oh my god, are you okay?
I think so.
How has the movement affected
the types of roles you're being
offered?
It's exciting that this has
sort of compounded the existing
conversation surrounding
representation.
There's so many more roles for
Asian women where before, there
were almost none.
That's not true.
There were plenty of fabulous
parts for Asian gals in the
1940s.
And I played all of them.
That's offensive.
No, it's not, cinder ho.
I was a brunette.
What's the damn problem?
I'm going to ignore all of
that, because I really like her.
I think this moment is an
opportunity women are coming
forward with stories from a long
time ago and they need to be
heard.
I actually would like to come
forward about something that
happened to me a long time ago.
I was babysitting for a very
powerful family.
Have you heard of the
lindberghs?
Yeah, wait, did you lose the
Lindbergh baby?
Well, ish.
I left him on a porch with a
sign that said famous baby,
please don't steal.
What could I do?
I had an audition.
Silver lining, I booked it.
I was the queen of siel.
I'm just going to reset
because my boss is here.
Do you think there's a place for
men in this movement?
Absolutely.
We need male allies.
Right, male allies.
That means gay husband, right?
I had a lot of male allies.
I just want to say there are
plenty of good men who
collaborate with women and
respect their ideas.
I had that kind of
relationship with Orson Wells
when he made king.
I gave him the idea for a Rose
bud but not talking about a darn
sled.
I'm talking about my wet.
I'm afraid we're out of time.
Time for my cigarette nap.
Can we dim the lights please?
Thanks to Travis Scott.
I love you, grandma, I love you,