Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 43, Episode 21 - Tina Fey/Nicki Minaj - full transcript

[ Ringing ]
Yello.

It's Donald Trump.
Who this?

It's Michael Cohen.
God, I miss you so much.

Oh, hey, what's up, amigo.
How you holding up in prison?

I'm not in prison.
Oh, well, give it a couple of

weeks.
Mr. Trump, we're in big

trouble.
I think they know about our

allusion-cay and obstruction of
justice-Jay.

Sorry, I don't want speak
Spanish.

Wait, are you on a secure line?
Absolutely.

I dialed star-86 before the
number, so it's completely



untraceable.
Mr. Trump, I don't want know

what to do!
You keep changing your story on

the Stormy Daniels payment.
Look, let's get Rudy Giuliani

on the phone.
He'll fix this.

He's got the sharpest legal mind
since "my cousin Vinnie."

Okay, but just to be safe,
let me call you back on one of

my burner phones.
Wait, you kept the burner

phones?
That's not good.

[ Dialing ]
[ Ringing ]

[ Cheers and applause ]
Yes, hello, this is Dr.

Harold bornstein.
Would you like to know any of my

patients' medical history?
Hey, man, I'm sorry.

I tried to dial Trump, Donald,
but I dialed Trump doctor.

Is this you, Michael Cohen?
Michael, I'm glad you called.



Someone broke into my office and
stole my files.

I guess you could say I was
raped!

I don't think you can say
that.

Well, I already did.
Raped!

All right.
Can we talk about this later?

No.
I'm -- I'm busy later.

I'm kidding.
I have zero commitments

personally or professionally.
But if you ever want to do

drugs, I can get you all the
drugs.

All right.
I'll call you back, Harold.

Good-bye.
All right.

Okay, I'll just be sitting here
in my office, where I live.

Bye!
[ Dialing ]

Hello?
Hey -- Rudy?

Is that you?
Yes.

That's right.
It's me.

[ Cheers and applause ]
Rudy.

Rudy Giuliani, Trump's lawyer
and his worst nightmare.

Look, Rudy, can we speak
freely?

Are you alone?
Yeah, yeah, I'm pretty much

alone.
This is a commercial break,

right, toots.
No.

Okay, yeah, we're good to
talk.

We're good to talk.
All right.

Let me loop in Mr. Trump.
All right.

Is everyone on?
Yes.

All right.
Guys, can we please just decide

on one lie and stick to it?
Because our stories are all over

the place.
Guys, hold that thought.

I'm getting a call from work.
Mr. President, I have lost

all credibility.
Did you lie to me about the

Stormy Daniels affair?
Yeah, that sounds like

something I would do.
Okay, good!

Just as long as we're on the
same page.

I'm good to go.
See you Monday.

Okay, I'm back.
Hey, guys, guys, can we hurry

this up.
I'm supposed to do 25 more talk

show appearances today and I'm
trying to make it like an advent

calendar, you know, where I
reveal one new crime on each

show, so.
Hey, I'm getting another

call.
Hang on.

Hello, Michael?
It's melania.

Oh, hey, melania!
I was just talking to Donald

about --
oh, uh, listen, I have a

completely hypothetical question
for a friend of mine, okay?

If your husband is accused of
crime, would she have to testify

against him?
No.

But could she?
If she want to?

I guess she could.
Oh, my friend will be so

happy.
Thank you, Michael.

Okay.
Wait.

Which phone was Mr. Trump on?
Hello?

Yeah, this is omarosa and I'm
still pissed off!

Nope.
Hello?

Hi, there, stranger.
What's your name?

Mike pence?
Who is this?

I was told this was a party line
with no questions asked.

I -- I got to call you back.
Uh --

hello?
Yes, this is ivanka and

Jared.
[ Cheers and applause ]

Hi.
Hi.

Hello.
Michael, did we hear Giuliani

call Jared "disposable" on
national television?

Because Jared is furious.
Yeah, man, I'm like what the

hell, I'm so mad right now.
You don't even want to see me.

I could cut a bitch.
Don't even try to cover for me,

okay?
You know, ivanka, your dad

would do anything to protect
you, but if he needs to, he

would throw Jared under the bus
in a heartbeat.

What'd he say?
He said you're fine.

You know, I'll talk to you
later.

Mr. Trump?
Where the hell were you,

Michael?
I don't have time to wait on

hold.
I'm supposed to be meeting with

my new chief strategist, Kanye
west.

Then what do you want me to
do?

Call up Stormy Daniels and
fix this once and for all.

Maybe keep me on the phone, too.
I'll just be quiet and listen.

[ Cheers and applause ]
Michael?

Stormy?
This is Michael Cohen.

Are you alone?
Yes.

And what are you wearing?
Excuse me?

Okay Michael, I can take it
from here.

Okay, but as your attorney, I
highly advise against you --

so, what up, girl?
Hello, Donald.

Come on, Stormy, stop making
such a big deal about this.

Everyone knows it's just an act.
I work in a adult films.

We're not really known for our
acting.

Just tell me, what do you
need for this to all go away?

A resignation.
Yeah, right.

Being president is like doing
porn.

Once you do it, it's hard to do
anything else.

Besides, my poll numbers are
finally up.

And speaking of "polls" being
up -- oh, come on, we'll always

have shark week.
I solved north and South Korea.

Why can't I solve us?
Sorry, Donald.

It's too late for that.
I know you don't believe in

climate change, but a
a-coming, baby.

I've never been so scared and
so horny at the same time.

And live from New York, it's
Saturday night!

[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Cheers and applause ]

Announcer: It's "Saturday
night live" with Beck Bennett.

Aidy Bryant!
Michael che!

Pete Davidson!
Leslie Jones!

Colin jost!
Kate McKinnon!

Kyle mooney!
Cecily strong!

Kenan Thompson!
Featuring Mikey day!

Heidi gardner!
Alex moffat!

Luke null!
Chris redd!

Melissa villasenor!
Musical guest, childish gambino!

And your host, Donald glover.
And your host, Donald glover.

Ladies and gentlemen, Donald
glover!

[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Thank you so much.
Thank you.

I'm really excited to be hosting
"Saturday night live" and the

answer to the question
everyone's asking is, yes, I am

Danny dploefr's father.
I used to live in New York

and it's so great to be back
here, especially now that I'm

rich.
Really, I was poor here and it's

really great when you're rich.
But it truly is a honor to be

hosting "SNL," instead of just
auditioning for it, which I did,

twice.
That's not a joke.

I'm just still pissed.
But it all kind of worked out

for me.
I was on a show called

"community" and a play lando
calrissian in the new "star

wars" movie "solo."
And if you're black, I made

Atlanta and red bone.
[ Cheers and applause ]

A lot of black people in here.
I'm an actor, a writer, and a

singer.
Some people have described me as

a triple threat.
But I kind of like to call

myself just a threat.
Not to bring up my audition

again, because I'm not hung up
on it.

I still don't know why I didn't
get the job.

I'm good at a lot of things,
like music.

Can I get a 180 tempo, something
jazzy in the key of "d."

Hit it!
There we go.

That feels good.
Let's take a walk, shall we?

♪ I really can do anything ♪
hey, what's going on, Kyle?

Hey, Donald, not much.
Ahh.

Hey, let me ask you a question,
what did you do for your

audition?
A bunch of characters and

then I did this skateboarding
bit.

Oh, you skateboard?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Can I skateboard?
I can do that too, you know?

No problem.
Go for it.

Great.
That's called gnarly.

Oh, my god.
Are you okay?

I'm great.
I'll see you later.

Are you sure?
♪ I really can do anything ♪

Hey, kenan, how are you?
Good, man.

So what did you do for your
audition?

Do you have any idea how long
ago that was?

I have no idea.
Are you doing your chef

character?
Can I do that, too.

Let me just do some of that hmm.
No, no, I'm sorry, I was

cleaning rags in there.
You're gonna get sick, man.

Oh, no, dude, I got an iron
stomach.

All I hate is hot dogs
backstage.

I can really do anything.
♪ I really can do anything ♪

Hey, that looks -- that looks --
you mind if I give it a

little -- I can do that.
Oh, got a little tummy trouble.

Let me try this a little bit.
Yeah, I fixed it.

Cecily, Beck, what'd you guys do
for your audition?

Oh, well, I'm very glad you
asked --

oh, I do not want to know.
He's obsessed with his

audition.
I know, he keeps showing us

his audition tape and he won't
watch mine.

All right.
You know, he keeps bragging that

he can play the clarinet.
What even is that.

Yeah, he thinks being here
this week will help him get on

"SNL."
he's hosting "SNL".

Oh, have I shown you my
audition tape?

Beck.
Did I mention I can also play

clarinet?
♪♪♪

It actually went better at my
audition.

We've got a great show for you
tonight.

Childish gambino is here.
So stick around.

We'll be right back.

One final question, Mr.
Miller, and I know this has been

a difficult experience to
relive.

It has.
Do you feel that you are in

any way at fault for what
happened to your friends and

family, being eaten?
Of course not.

All I know is that I miss them.
All he knows is that he

misses them.
No further questions.

Your witness.
Thank you, your honor.

All he knows is that he misses
them, and that might be true,

but that is not why we are here
today.

We are here to determine whether
my client, Jurassic park, the

beautiful island full of
real-life dinosaurs, is

responsible for the deaths of
Mr. Miller's friends and family,

when all the dinosaurs got out.
And I say no.

Well, I say yes.
Your honor, permission to

treat the witness as hostile?
No, man.

Definitely not.
So, Mr. Miller, Jurassic

world shouldn't have to pay you
money, even though you agreed to

waive all rights to sue the
park?

What?
No, I did not agree to that.

Exhibit "a," Mr. Miller,
could you please read the

indemnification on the back of
your vip all-access raptors

pass.
Well, I can't read it.

It's covered in my friend,
Scott's, blood.

Well, then, move your friend,
Scott's blood around with your

finger, until you can read it.
I mean, really, can you believe

this system?
Get out of my face.

It says Jurassic world is not
responsible for lost or damaged

items.
Lost or damaged items.

Like your friends and family.
Well, I don't consider my

friends and family items.
Oh, but the law does.

Let the record show that the
law does not.

All right.
Let me ask you this, Mr. Miller,

did you have a good time at
Jurassic park?

Uh, no, it was the single
worst experience of my life.

Please direct your attention
to the monitor.

This is an Instagram story
posted by Mr. Miller on the date

in question.
What's up, Instagram.

We're at Jurassic world right
now.

What up!
Wait, stop, stop, stop, stop,

stop, stop, stop, stop.
Stop.

Sure sounded like you were
having fun to me.

Good time, liar.
Request permission to show

the rest of the video.
Your honor, I do not see why

that would be relevant in this
case.

Permission granted.
Whoo!

Who even knows what is
happening there?

I mean, really.
That's him and his friends

getting eaten by the dinosaur.
I'm sorry, I know I'm not

supposed to weigh in, but that's
what it is.

Specifically, a t-Rex grabbed
my friend Rachel and swallowed

her without biting like you
would take a Tylenol.

Objection, your honor.
The t-Rex is a good guy now.

It is consistently saving the
day.

Sustained!
Counselor, you can't sustain

your own objection.
Continue, sir.

Yeah, after that, a flying
dinosaur, the long-nosed landed

on my brother and he ate my
brother's face.

And one of those big new
genetically engineered ones that

you guys made with like the
giant claws --

yeah, the cyclosaurus, yes.
Yeah, that guy came in and he

ate the dinosaur that ate my
brother.

Hmm, "he" ate my brother.
"That guy" came in.

And yet, Mr. Miller, may I
remind you and the court that

all dinosaurs at Jurassic park
are female.

Your honor, the witness has lied
under oath.

I declare a mistrial, because
Mr. Miller's credibility is

extinct.
Ha-ha!

This court is adjourned!
Well, the court is not

adjourned, because this was not
a mistrial.

Ladies and gentlemen of the
jury, you will now begin

deliberations to reach a
verdict.

We have reached a verdict
already.

We all just kind of looked at
each other and nodded.

We find the defendant, Jurassic
world theme park guilty of

charges.
They got to learn, the dinosaurs

always get out.
That they do!

That they do.
I see.

Well, I guess that's lunch,
then.

Is this a dinosaur egg?
Well, yes.

You think this is okay to eat?
[ Cheers and applause ]

Yeah, you already know.
♪ turn it up

turn it up
turn it up

yeah ♪
♪ we in the club

and we turn it up
pinkie worth two fifty thou

wow ♪
♪ double that up

in my mouth ♪
show that she bad

liking my swag ♪
♪ plus she got all of

that ass Booty
getting that cash

haters be mad ♪
♪ friendos we stay

on that bag cooking ♪
♪ wake up in the morning with

some bitches
and I'm smiling ♪

♪ but we got to
put in work

if we want to stay
shining ♪

♪ we go to therapy
therapy therapy

therapy ♪
♪ we spent a million

on therapy
Angela Angela

Angela Angela ♪
♪ twice a week we go to Angela ♪

Hey!
Go on.

Yeah.
It's just like, every time I

bring up emotional conflict, he
always want to --

you know what, let's use, I
feel statements.

Oh, my bad.
I feel like every time I bring

up emotional conflict, he wants
to talk about the lambo.

Lambo.
But it's got the suicide

doors though.
Enough with the lambo, man!

Lambo.
Just talk to me dog.

♪ She want to hear about
our mamas mamas

all of our fears and our
traumas bad ♪

♪ homies be asking
me stuff but

I don't be opening up
I'm fine ♪

♪ sometimes I cry
I don't know why

I just be wanting to
fight aggression ♪

♪ lambo on dubs
doors going up

you know I don't
give a ♪

See, you're deflecting.
Do you see that?

I think you do care.
No.

Dog, whose idea was it to buy
the lambo in the first place?

Lambo!
Mine.

No, no, I showed you two
months ago on Instagram.

I said, I want the ice
cream-colored lambo with the

suicide doors.
Guess who pulled up to the strip

club the very next week looking
like a desert on wheels.

Pull up.
Sounds like that ice cream

lambo was important to you, and
when he bought it first, you

felt --
invisible!

Visible.
You needed him to hear you,

but instead of being present, he
was gone.

Skrt skrt.
Look, I see that I hurt you.

I'm sorry, dog.
I think I was acting up because

I just missed our friendship.
You know, before the money,

before the lambo.
Lambo.

Hey man.
I miss that too.

You know what I mean.
You think we can work on that?

We sure can.
Wow, do you see what that

was?
Hey.

♪ Ey ey eye y
ey breakthrough

breakthrough breakthrough
breakthrough ♪

♪ stunt on these
hoes with my breakthrough

stunt on them ♪
♪ we got some issues

hand me some tissues ♪
we haven't heard much from

you today.
Huh?

You haven't spoken up at all.
Yeah, I have.

I've been repeating --
repeating what these two say,

I know, but what do you think?
I don't know.

Nobody cares what I think.
I just do the ad lib.

That's not true, man.
Come on man.

Let's let him speak.
First of all, don't interrupt

me bitch.
I'm talking to my brother.

Yeah, well instead of talking
bitch, how about you listen?

Oh, damn.
I guess I just assume that

you guys like pity me.
Like, y'all don't really want me

around.
No, man.

You funny.
Yeah.

Yeah.
Really?

Yeah, man.
Thank you, because you know I

actually be thinking about my
jokes, and stuff.

Man, don't start crying, man.
You start crying, and I'll start

crying.
Why don't you let it out.

You know what I'm saying?
Whoo.

Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo!
♪ group hug

group hug
group hug

group hug ♪
♪ me and my homies do

group hugs growth
in therapy therapy

therapy therapy ♪
♪ we make it rain on

our therapist
damn Angela sexy ♪

Well, that's all the time we
have.

All right, well.
I guess you can --

[ talking over each other ]
Hey.

Hey, hey, what's up asap?
Friendos!

Yo, what's happening, bro.
Yo I peeped the ice cream lambo

parked out front.
It's hot.

Thanks.
That was his idea.

Damn.
♪♪♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪♪
♪ I watched you with him

strolling in the night ♪
♪ you kissed him twice ♪

♪ now nothing seems all right ♪
♪ yes, I watched you with

him hugging in the night
I loved you girl ♪

♪ but the writing's on the
wall tonight ♪

♪♪♪
♪♪♪

Hey, girl.
How you doing?

No, no, don't get up.
I'm just going to join you if

that's all right, Jay?
You're not expecting anybody,

are you?
You wouldn't be playing me like

that, would you?
So I'm just going to sit here in

this seat and tell you a little
secret.

I followed you.
Yep.

I got in my big car and followed
you and I saw everything, Jay.

And I mean, mad.
I wanted to run you down Rambo

style.
But I chill.

Hey, hey, wait.
I went back to our apartment and

canceled all of our credit
cards.

All your nice jewelry, I put it
right up my ass.

You got to learn about loyalty,
girl.

So now who's laughing?
Not me.

Because if I laugh too hard,
that jewelry will fly right out

my ass.
And I don't want want to give

you the satisfaction.
You want to know what else?

I was so mad at you, girl, I
tried to cut my own damned thing

off.
Whoa, wait.

But I couldn't do it, you want
to know why?

Because I passed out just from
holding the knife.

But you want to know what I did
when I woke up?

I remembered how much you loved
the smell of my hair and how

much you don't like the smell of
my pee.

You know where I'm going with
this, right?

I --
I poured my own pee in my own

hair.
How does that make you feel?

Because tricks are for cereal
and this is the truth or my name

isn't raz p.Berry.
What do you have to say to that?

I -- I don't know who you
are.

Oh, is that so?
Listen to this jackass bray.

Listen to this jackass bray.
Yeah, I don't mean to

embarrass you, I just what I
think is happening is that your

sunglasses are very dark and
it's very dark in here.

Right.
And it's dark and foggy out

there.
That's also true.

Because I'm not the woman
that you think I am, because I

don't know who you are.
Does that make sense?

Back up.
So, you're not my girlfriend,

Jay?
No.

I'm Anne Saunders.
This is my husband, Reginald

Saunders, m.D.
Yes, hello, who is this?

This is raz p. Berry.
He's a singer.

And a dancer.
And a dancer.

Oh, it smells like pee around
here.

Oh, yes, with I'm remembering
the things he just sang at me.

He poured pee in his hair and
tried to cut his penis off.

And I put jewelry up my butt.
Why did you do those things?

To teach a woman a lesson.
Yes, but how does that do

that, though?
And you're right, there was a

car that almost hit us, because
he said he wanted to run us over

Rambo style.
I don't know what that means.

It's Rambo style because of
the sunglasses.

Rambo didn't wear sunglasses.
Yeah, but he also didn't put

jewelry up his own ass.
Look, I am sorry for the

misunderstanding, but I have to
get home and clean up, because I

did a lot of horrible things in
my apartment that I didn't even

get to in the song.
And hey, man to man, keep an eye

on your woman.
Oh, you know I do, my

brother.
What?

Honey!
Come on, let's get back to heavy

drinking now that hays gone.
Nope, he's not gone.

He's dancing in the window.
♪ I thought she was her, my

young girlfriend Jane ♪
♪ because it was the wife of Dr.

Reginald Saunders ♪

I'm so scared.
Shh.

Don't let the monsters hear us!
We have to be quiet.

I love you.
I love you.

You guys --
shh.

Shh.
Kanye just tweeted.

Ed David, shh!
He said he would have voted

for Trump!
Wait, seriously, when?

Guys!
Don't talk unless it's

absolutely necessary.
The monsters can't see us, but

they can hear us.
And if we're too loud, we'll all

be killed!
But Kanye has the hat and

everything.
And Trump signed it.

He signed the hat, y'all.
Let me see this.

Oh, come on, Kanye!
♪♪♪

Trump tweeted Kanye.
Kanye is a distraction.

We should only talk about what's
important.

Like how to survive the
monsters?

And then I guess also like
the midterms.

'Cause like what's happening
with that?

I don't know.
I can't keep up.

Guys, they're at
Chrissy teigan's house.

No, Kanye!
Leave Chrissy teigan out of

this.
It really feels like damage

control.
Did Chrissy teigan cook

anything?
Gumbo.

Shh, the monsters will hear
us.

Yeah, why are we even talking
about this?

Because it's out there.
It's all out there.

And guess who was at the baby
shower?

Jesse Tyler Ferguson.
From "modern" freaking

"family?"
♪♪♪

Oh, my god, she's gone.
If we die here, what if Kanye

is just playing us.
You think that's what's

happening?
That is so scary.

And Kanye just released a new
track.

What?
But we can't take the risk of

listening to it.
Two people just got taken by

monsters.
I've got ear buds.

Then queue it up, bitch.
♪♪♪

♪♪♪
you idiots.

Did he just say, "poopity
scoop?"

It doesn't matter.
None of this matters.

I need to know if he said,
"poopity-scoop."

He said, "poopity --"
♪♪♪

Oh, no, the red lights.
It's an emergency.

I know, Kanye was just on tmz
and he said, "slavery was a

choice."
no!

♪♪♪
I don't want ya'll to call me

fat, so I go liposuction.
Right?

And they gave me opioids.
♪ poopity scoop ♪

Hmm, kinda grows on you.
♪♪♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

Hey, baby.
Looking good.

Thanks.
Well, goodnight.

Wait, wait, wait, baby, it's
Saturday.

Oh, yeah.
Sex night.

I'm jazzed to do it.
Let's start.

Oh, wait, wait.
I thought we could mix it up a

little tonight, trying dirty
talk.

Saying things you shouldn't say.
All right.

Yeah, you're like a little
slut, huh?

Hmm, that's so retarded.
What?

What?
Don't say the r-word, though.

Because that's really offensive.
Depends how you use it, I

guess.
It's kind of bad any way you

use it, baby.
Let's just stay away from that.

Maybe try like being a little
mean to me, you know?

Hmm.
Yeah.

Come on, girl.
Hurt me.

Your dad's dead.
What?

Why would you -- baby!
That wound's still fresh.

I'm like really sad now.
Oh, man, I'm sorry.

Are you sure you don't want to
do it the normal way?

Lazy sideways?
No.

I want to try this, you know?
I think we could spice things

up.
It could be good for us, you

know.
How about you just, you know,

call me a little bitch or
something?

Okay, I like that.
Oh, I want you.

Yeah, you do, you little
bitch.

Oh, you're so mean to me.
Because you're my little

brother, bitch.
Now scram!

What?
What?

Stay out of my room, dork?
No, baby, don't be my sister.

Because that turns me off, you
know?

But you were saying "oh,
yeah."

Yeah, that was before I knew
you had made us siblings.

You know, no big twists.
Let's just -- I'll take the

lead, all right?
Yeah right, dweeb, mom and

dad put me in charge.
Baby, that scenario, we're

not doing it anymore.
Okay, I'll talk dirty to you.

Is that cool?
Oh, you little freak.

Yes, I'm the elephant man.
No, no, not the elephant man.

It's not -- that's not sexy.
That's like really sad.

You know, it's -- he had a sad
life.

And the image in my head is like
the worst possible thing for

sex, you know?
You know?

But clearly, you want to role
play, so how about, um, how

about I'm a cop?
And you're a criminal.

Oh, sounds naughty.
Yeah.

Yeah.
You know why I pulled you over?

Because I killed my mom.
No, no, no.

No, you didn't murder anyone.
Yeah, I did.

She's in the trunk.
No, no, no.

Different crime, okay?
You're not a murderer, okay?

You're a different criminal,
baby, you're like hands up,

you're under arrest.
But the general pudding

pops --
no, don't be bill cosby.

Don't ever be bill cosby in the
bedroom.

Don't -- you know what?
Forget it.

It's fine.
Let's just watch TV.

Oh, that's it?
Man, you're such a bitch

sometimes.
Yeah, I like that.

Hey, hey, hey!
No, don't be fat Albert!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Ladies and gentlemen,
childish gambino.

♪♪♪
♪♪♪

♪ please don't
make 'em do it

hey ♪
♪♪♪

♪ god this 9 to 5
just keep on killin' me

I want to leave this place like
all the time.

♪ Talking to my body
just keep feeling cheap

pass the torch and
let me blow your mind ♪

♪ and you know that's right ♪
♪ and you know that's right ♪

♪ it's on my mind
you know that's right

you know that's right
it's on my mind ♪

♪ when the feeling
gets ya ♪

♪ you can't even hide it ♪
♪ I get so intoxicated ♪

♪ when you touch me ♪
♪ hold on ♪

♪ you will be there ♪
♪ girl, just hold on ♪

♪ Saturday
♪ all I want to do is dance,

yeah ♪
♪ and party now ♪

♪ Saturday
all I want to do

is make you dance yeah
♪ ohh ♪

♪ give it to me, eh!
♪ god this 9 to 5

just keep on killin' me
snooet trying to leave this

place all the time ♪
♪ oh, my aching body just keep

killin' me ♪
♪ can't afford to spend my last

dime ♪
♪ hey ♪

♪ when the feeling gets ya ♪
♪ you can't even hide it ♪

♪ I get so intoxicated ♪
♪ when you touch me

hold on
I will be there

girl, just hold on ♪
♪ Saturday ♪

♪ all I want to do is make you
dance, yeah ♪

♪ and party now ♪
♪ Saturday ♪

♪ all I want to do is make you
dance ♪

♪ yeah ♪
♪ whoo ♪

♪ you can feel it here on
Saturday ♪

Move!
♪ please don't make 'em ♪

♪ give it to me ♪
♪♪♪

♪♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]

Announcer: It's "weekend
update" with Colin jost and

Michael che.
[ Cheers and applause ]

Hi.
Hi, good evening, everyone.

Welcome to weekend update.
I'm Michael che.

And I'm Colin jost.
Well, the clock might be running

out on Trump's presidency.
So you know what that means.

They're finally putting in Rudy!
But instead of making a great

play, this Rudy immediately
tackled his own quarterback.

Giuliani appeared on fox news
and straight-up admitted that

Trump knew about the Stormy
Daniels payment, which was maybe

the best confession I've seen on
TV that didn't end with "created

by dick wolf."
This Stormy Daniels payment has

turned out to be the loudest
hush money in history.

And during his kings of dementia
comedy tour, Giuliani also said

that the hush money was, quote,
funneled through a law firm.

Dude, funneled is not typically
a word innocent people use when

talking about money.
No one says, yeah, my

grandma funneled me $5 on my
birthday card.

Rudy Giuliani's claiming that
President Trump only learned a

week ago that he was reimbursed
and Michael Cohen's payments to

Stormy Daniels in $35,000
installments.

I have a couple of questions.
Like, what kind of billionaire

pays for stuff in installments?
You're the president of the

United States.
Why are you paying for sex like

it's a nordictrack?
And how did y'all land on

$130,000?
That's such an oddly specific

number.
I asked Stormy to come on

"update" and explain it, but her
agent said no, because if she's

seen on camera with a black guy,
her price goes down.

Michael avenatti, the lawyer
for Stormy Daniels, said that he

was speechless after Giuliani
said that Trump reimbursed

Michael Cohen.
In fact, avenatti was so

speechless that night, he only
appeared on 20 shows on six

different networks.
"The New York times" has

published a list of 49 questions
that Robert Mueller reportedly

wants to ask President Trump.
The first one is, colluder says

what?
Trump is calling this probe a

trap, but questions are only a
trap if you're lying.

If you were to ask your husband,
where were you last night?

And he said, bitch, you trying
to trap me?!

He's probably lying.
But let's be clear, Trump and

his legal team are clearly the
ones who leaked these questions.

And I figured out why.
Trump's been so desperate to

find a decent lawyer that at
this point he's just crowd

sourcing his legal strategy.
He's just throwing the Mueller

questions out there like, how do
you guys think I should respond.

It's basically the same strategy
lay's used to pick a new potato

chip flavor.
Which could be a smart approach

for Trump, or he could end up
like lay's with biscuits and

gravy.
And if I may ask the FBI

directly, why is this taking so
long?

Look at Trump's team.
You can't beat them?

They look like they have a
commercial that goes, have you

been hurt in a triple fall?
Even if you don't have enough

evidence, just frame them.
Whatever happened to that?

Are there different fbis for
white people than black people?

Because if the FBI was this
incompetent against us, a Martin

Luther king would have died a
lot later, peacefully in his

bed, on top of his mistress.
This week, President Trump's

former doctor, who, by the way,
I loved on "twin peaks," said

that the 2015 letter which
described Trump as the

healthiest individual ever
elected president was dictated

by Trump himself.
Which also explains why Trump's

blood pressure was listed as
haters over losers.

White house lawyer Ty Cobb has
announced that he'll be stepping

down at the end of may.
Cobb will return to his own job

of challenging you to a hot air
balloon race around the world.

Balloon race around the world.
With temperatures in the 70s,

spring has officially come to
New York.

Here to talk about his favorite
season is our own Pete Davidson.

What up, man!
Hi, Michael.

So I actually kind of lied.
I'm not actually going to talk

about spring.
I just needed a way to get out

here so I could talk about
what's really on my mind, which

is that you guys are hosting the
emmys this year.

Relax.
I'm a little sick about it.

No, like it's bad enough
watching you guys strut around

this place with all of your
accomplishments, like head

writers, update host, Harvard,
black, you know, you've got it

all, man.
Who made this decision?

What'd that sound like.
Any idea for a host this year?

How about the less entertaining
version of riggs and Murtaugh.

All right.
No, I think it's great that

Emmy hosts now are just cute
friends.

Who's hosting next year,
squirrel and a cat?

No, I know what happened.
America saw you read a joke, and

you read a different joke, and
they were like, what chemistry!

Pete, are you jealous?
No, I'm not jealous, because

it's actually the worst job you
can get in showbiz.

I'm just mad that you guys get
to do it.

You know, I never would have
done it, but I would have done

it if I knew it would keep you
guys from doing it.

But seriously, guys, how does it
taste, boys?

What?
Don't ask.

How does what tastes?
Warren littlefield's nuts!

He runs nbc.
I looked it up.

How else are you getting these
jobs?

I know you're doing the boss.
Pete, Warren littlefield

hasn't worked here in like 20
years.

Well, southwest needs to get
some new magazines.

That is a minefield.
Well, who cares?

I went to the emmys last year
and it succeed, so, like, it

doesn't matter.
Some guy just gets on stage,

wearing a funny hat, and
everyone claps and then they

just read off names forever.
And the biggest nerd in the

class gets to give a speech.
It's a ton of crap.

Pete, that sounds like a high
school graduation.

You didn't even go to the emmys
last year.

Oh, yeah, I didn't.
No, it still sucked though.

It did.
Pete, you know, if it makes you

so mad that we're hosting, you
don't have to watch.

Not watch?
And not support my friends?

What do you think I am, a
monster?

No, seriously, you know, you're
not just my friends, you're my

mentors.
And I can't wait to watch you

guys hit it out of the park on
your big night.

Ah, thanks, man.
Pete Davidson, everybody.

I hope they fail.
That was very nice of you.

That was very nice of you.
Thank you.

A Colombian veterinarian has
been charged with allegedly

smuggling heroin inside of
puppies.

This according to the very dark
sequel to "the secret life of

pets."
during the historic summit

between Kim jong-un and the
leader of South Korea, Kim

jong-un brought his own personal
toilet to the meeting.

Worse, the toilet was an uncle
who betrayed him.

Pass.
A 7-Eleven in California is

trying to keep people from
begging for money outside of the

store by loudly playing
classical music.

Unfortunately, it's only making
the vagrants smarter.

A man in Kansas was arrested
after he was caught having sex

with the tailpipe of a car.
The sex was described as

exhausting.
A California man was arrested

after being accused of
waterboarding his wife.

Still no word on where the
remote control is.

Remote control is.
Facebook announced that

they'll add a dating feature to
their mobile app, competing with

apps like tinder and okay cupid.
Here with her thoughts is our

relationship expert, Leslie
Jones.

What's up, Colin!
How's it going, Leslie?

So do you think you're going to
use this new dating app on

Facebook?
Hell, no.

Because the truth is, I pick the
worst men.

But that's because there so many
bad men to choose from, because

they always thinking with their
penis, right?

We sure do.
Shut up.

And I have dated some terrible
men.

But what I learned is that I'm
not attracting these men, I am

picking these men.
But that ends tonight!

So I want to have a tribute to
all the ragged ly-ass men who I

thought I could rescue like the
dogs they were.

But I couldn't.
And let me tell you these

stories are real!
But the pictures are fake to

protect the innocent.
Ain't nobody innocent.

♪ In the arms of an angel, fly
away from here ♪

Stacey.
I bought that man groceries one

time.
This man is 30 years old, y'all.

I brought the groceries to his
house and his mama, whose house

he lived in, put her hand on my
shoulder and whispered, I had

that boy, and I know you can do
much better.

Rodney.
He had four kids and six babies'

mamas.
I don't even know how the math

work on that.
And then he had the nerve to

tell me that he had a part-time
job.

Well, you got a full-time
family, Rodney!

And they need your ass to work,
not to be a rapper who works at

panera bread.
♪ in the arms of an angel, fly

away from here ♪
Chester.

He picked me up for a date and I
didn't even know he was

homeless.
Even though he had all of his

stuff in the back of his car.
I was like, so you ride around

with a toaster and an iron back
there?

And he said, "I was moving."
Well, by the end of the date, I

found out that he was moving in
with me.

Seymore.
I met his ass in Jamaica.

But I Jamaica a mistake-a.
He said he was going to teach me

a few things, but all he taught
me was how to cry in hotel

rooms.
Boy, you think you don't like

hearing people having sex
through the wall of your hotel.

Well, try listening to a bitch
cry for six hours why playing

Mary j. Blige.
♪ in the arms of an angel ♪

Colin.
He was so cute and sweet and

kind, but it would never work,
because he gay.

I'm not gay.
I told you, I have a girlfriend.

And I have told you that I am
not acknowledging that bitch.

You either prove that you are
not gay or I'm going to keep

telling everybody that you are.
♪ fly away from here ♪

Leslie Jones, everyone!
The weekend update.

I'm Colin jost.
I'm Michael che.

Good night!

So sorry to interrupt your
mingling.

I am lubestein, hospitality
director here at the Naboo

beachfront hotel.
We are thrilled to host your

event and its fun activities all
week long as you enjoy our

beautiful view.
Now, please welcome the chairman

of this event,
Mr. Lando calrissian.

[ Cheers and applause ]
Yes.

Yes.
I like that guy.

He's a classy guy, right there.
My, my, my, they weren't

kidding.
This hotel does have a beautiful

view.
[ Giggling ]

I love alien girls, because
it's always a surprise when the

clothes come off.
So it's like, oh, that's your

that?
We'll figure it out.

Welcome, my brothers and
sisters, to the first-ever

galactic summit for all black
humans.

This started with one question.
Where the hell are all the black

people in space?
For a while, I thought it was

me, the only one.
But now I see before me all the

black humans in the galaxy.
I'll say it.

Turnout was a little low.
We were expecting a thousand

guests.
I held out hope that there was a

black human planet somewhere,
but I guess it's just us.

Lots of lizardmen wearing vests,
just four black people, though.

Okay, let's kick things off with
a welcoming remarks from my man,

Mr. Sal guerrero.
[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you, everyone.
As I look upon the hundreds of

faces like my own -- sorry, I
wrote this like a week ago -- I

am filled with hope.
Our voice was once a whisper.

Now it is a roar.
Let me hear you roar.

Roar!
Roar.

Roar.
I would like to read a list

of all the black humans who
lived before us to honor their

memory.
Mace windu.

Thank you.
Up next, the lovely key beeba

to talk about all the activiies
that we have going on this week.

I don't know you like that.
That ain't cool.

The following activities have
been canceled due to the low

attendance.
Everything except meals.

Does that include the
thousand-man march?

What do you think, dude?
Also, the location of the group

picture has been changed from
the outdoor coliseum to anywhere

we want.
That's it.

All right.
Endeco?

You want to say anything up
here?

No, I'm good.
All right.

Our seafood buffet is officially
open.

Grab a plate and help yourself.
While you eat, please enjoy

music from a blue monster and
Mr. Lando calrissian.

You know, before, I made a
living playing cards and doing

other stuff that's not really
explained, I wanted to be a

singer.
There's a little song I wrote

about space and it's called,
making love in space.

Two, three, four.
♪ making love in space ♪

♪ yeah, making love in space ♪
♪ you need a man, though, girl,

come see lando ♪
♪ girl, making love in space ♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

Hi, guys.
Welcome to your first day as

interns at mattel, the
Barbie division.

You're all here because of your
interest in toy marketing or in

Barbie herself.
We take the Barbie brand very

seriously here.
Let the senior vp of Barbie

social media elaborate more on
that.

Who is Barbie?
Barbie is fun.

Barbie works hard and plays
thoughtfully.

She has one boyfriend.
She is impossible.

She is girl to the Max.
Barbie is current.

Do you understand?
Yes, exactly.

And last year, we launched her
very popular Instagram account,

which allows her to connect with
her fans online.

You three will be helping out
with the captions.

Why don't we give it a try.
What would be a fun caption

for this post?
Tamara?

Hmm, love my juice and my
chocolate bar.

That's not a chocolate bar.
It's a clutch.

It's fine.
You?

What would you write here?
"I'm holding a chocolate

bar."
I swear to god --

Michael, sweetie, he just
told you it's a clutch.

Then, "oh, no, I forgot my
clutch."

She's holding the clutch.
Oh, then where's her

chocolate bar?
There never was one!

All right.
Never mind.

What about you?
"I can't shake the image of

that girl getting hit by that
car.

Four years ago outside of my
dream house.

Anyway, I was holding a
chocolate bar, like this one."

Listen to me, boy.
Barbie never witnessed a such

thing.
That sort of thing does not

happen outside Barbie's house.
Bernard, calm down.

It's okay.
Let's just, we'll do another

picture, okay?
Tamara, what's your caption?

"Hi, it's Barbie.
I can't find my dog."

The dog is right there!
It's at her feet.

Yeah, but she's not seeing
it.

All right.
Michael, what's your caption?

"I'm Barbie."
She's answering the phone

saying, "I'm Barbie"?
No, she's just thinking it.

So she picked up the phone,
held it to her face and mouth,

and thought, "I'm Barbie"?
Yes, exactly, she's

practicing.
Practicing what?

Thinking that she's Barbie?
All right, let's move on.

Your caption, Jason?
"Hey, I'm so sorry to do

this -- but I won't be able to
come to the party.

I just can't.
I got all dressed up, but I just

can't shake this funk I'm in.
I'm freaking out.

I'm back to thinking about that
girl from four years ago.

I know it sounds crazy, but I
think she was trying to tell me

something.
I'm sorry, I'm stuck.

Anyways, give me a call when you
can.

Oh, I'm sorry.
This is Barbie.

But you knew that.
You have caller I.D.

I'm so stupid.
Good-bye."

So, young man, you are
suggesting that not only will

Barbie miss a party, but that
she's traumatized by something

that I just told you never
happened to her?

I think addressing trauma is
important.

It's a discussion that needs to
be had.

Not by Barbie.
Not by Barbie!

Bernard, please, remember
your condition.

Okay, let's do another one.
But I'll show you what we have

in mind, okay.
"Beautiful sunset in Malibu,"

you see, just like that?
Sure.

Go for it.
"It's almost not night

anymore."
oh, my god.

And you?
Is that Barbie?

In the picture?
Yes, of course that's Barbie.

Oh, I didn't recognize her
back.

In that case, "I'm Barbie.
This is just my back."

Now me.
"I overheard a woman at the

supermarket say the strangest
thing.

She said, 'there goes Barbie.
Poor thing, she doesn't know

she's a toy.
Created by a corporation.

Silly thing has never wonder
idea the car or the house came

from.
And the truth is, I never

thought about those things until
today.

Today is the first and very last
day of my life."

Okay, I'm really trying to
wrap my brain around this.

You're suggesting that Barbie
finds out that she's a toy in

the supermarket and then she has
some sort of identity crisis

that drives her to suicide?
It's the only way she can be

free.
Okay.

Deirdre, I'm going to close my
eyes and when I open them, I

want all three of them out of
the building.

Yes, yes.
And I'm going to leave my eyes

open and make sure that happens
for him.

Leave.
All right.

All right.
You can open your eyes.

They're gone.
All right, so we're going to go

with the "I'm Barbie, this is my
back," right?

Once again, childish gambino.

[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪♪

♪♪♪
♪♪♪

♪♪♪
♪ we just want to party

party just with you
we just want the money

money just for you ♪
♪ don't you want to

party just for free
now you've got her dancing

dancing in the spring ♪
♪ we just want to party

party just for you
we just want the money

money just for you ♪
♪ don't you want party

party just for free
dancing in the streets ♪

♪♪♪
♪ this is America don't got

you slippin' on
don't got you slippin' on

look what I'm whippin' up ♪
♪ this is America don't got

you slippin' on
don't got you slippin' on

look what I'm whippin' up ♪
♪ this is America look how

I'm living now look what I'm
whippin' up ♪

♪ probably be trippin'
now ♪

I got the strut I got a
carry on ♪

♪ yeah yeah I'm gonna go
into this yeah yeah this is

gorilla woo ♪
♪ yeah yeah I'm gonna go get

the bag yeah yeah or I'm gonna
get the bat ♪

♪ yeah yeah I yeah
I'm so yeah

yeah oh ♪
♪♪♪

♪♪♪
♪ this is America don't

catch you slippin' on
don't catch you

slippin' on ♪
♪ look what I'm whippin'

up ♪
♪ this is America don't

catch you slippin' on
don't catch you slippin'

on ♪
♪ look what I'm whippin'

up look how I'm peeking out
hey I'm so good at it

I'm all Gucci ♪
♪ I'm so pretty yeah yeah

I'ma get it watch me move
this is Scully that's a

two yeah ♪
♪ all my Kodak oh throw that

yeah yeah gone get it
oh yeah yeah run it uh ♪

♪ underpants underpants
underpants contraband

contraband contraband
contraband ♪

♪ I got the plug with
they gonna fly you like ♪

♪♪♪
America, I just checked my

following list and --
♪ get your money

get your money
get your money

get your money ♪
♪ get your money

get your money
1, 2, 3, get down ♪

♪♪♪
♪♪♪

♪ get your money
get your money

get your money
get your money ♪

♪♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪♪
♪♪♪

Yo, I'm telling y'all, man,
I've got to get out of this

prison, dog.
Man, I'm never coming back

here.
They got us working 30 cents an

hour.
It's like modern day slavery.

I feel like these walls are
changing me.

I know what you mean.
Last week, this new inmate came

up and asked me what size my
sneakers was.

I said, yo size, bitch!
Damn.

Then what happened --
he tried to grab me by my

collar.
That's when I -- hold on a sec,

bro.
Uh, good morning, customer

service.
My name is Phillip.

How can I assist you today?
All right, please stay on the

line while I direct you to a
manager.

All right.
Then I grabbed a razor that was

hiding in my butt cheeks and cut
his ear off.

I know exactly who you're
talking about.

He tried the same thing with my
boy, Freddie.

Freddie that make cognac in
the toilet?

No, not that Freddie.
Uh, hold on.

Customer service, this is Alan
speaking.

How can I assist you this
afternoon?

Well, yes, this particular
necklace is real turquoise and

14 karat plated gold trim.
You have a good day, too.

No, Freddie that stabbed a guard
in the neck with a spoon.

Oh, yeah, with I know
Freddie.

Mm-hmm.
He tried to jump me in a

bathroom.
There was like five of them.

But you know, I'm crazy, so I
pulled down my pants and -- hold

on.
It is a gorgeous Wednesday

morning.
This is Norman.

How can I be at your service
today?

Why, yes, ma'am, and might I
say, that is a lovely choice.

I personally have that in my
very same unit in my kitchen.

Okay.
Okay, now.

I'm going to put you through.
All right, bye.

-- Crapped in my hands and I
threatened to touch him with it.

Yeah, we been there.
We've all been there.

You heard about rico, though?
Who rico, the cop killer?

No, not that rico.
Rico the drug lord?

No, rico, the guy that makes
all those silly puns.

Oh, you mean fun rico.
Yeah, yeah, fun rico.

He's the best.
I love his silly puns.

Yeah, he's the only thing
that keeps me going.

But what about him?
He hung himself.

Oh, my god!
Was just hanging there.

It was crazy.
Customer service?

Well, thank you very much for
the positive feedback, ma'am.

I do remind you that there is a
short five-minute survey -- she

hung up on me!
I hate when they do that!

How hard is it to take a
five-minute survey!

I know, it's like one more
good review and I make parole,

lady!
Ma'am, you still waiting on

hold?
I am so sorry for this

inconvenience.
Please be patient with us.

And god bless you, too.
Ugh, I hate when customers

have to hold.
It makes me want to kill again.

I feel you.
Me too!

All right, all right, all
right, enough chitchat in here,

fellas.
Why don't you loosen these

straps for me just a little,
will ya?

Yeah, right, so you can eat
me like you did your last cell

mate, you sick bastard.
Yo, this lady on line four

wants to speak to a manager.
All right, I got this.

Hello, this is spider, the
manager speaking.

Oh, well, I am so sorry to hear
that you did not enjoy those

Omaha steaks.
They're all I ever eat.

I love them!
Now, if I can just get some

personal information.
What are your fears?

[ Cheers and applause ]

Thanks to Alec Baldwin,
Ben stiller, Martin shortt,

Jimmy Fallon, Scarlett
Johansson, Stormy Daniels, and

Zoe kravitz and this wonderful
cast.

My new music is out.
Check it out.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]