Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 43, Episode 20 - Amy Schumer/Kacey Musgraves - full transcript
Hosted by Amy Schumer. Musical guest is Kacey Musgraves.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I'm aidy Bryant and this is
my mom.
Normally we open the show with a
mother's day step of, but this
is the one thing we can
celebrate together.
Moms.
I'm so proud you are here
tonight and for the love and
support.
I can't wait to rip it up at
the after party.
Okay, wow.
Everybody, this is my sweet
little mommy, Ann.
Mom, without your suspect, I
would never have made it to snl.
I can't imagine this show
without you.
I can't remember when you
weren't on it.
Nice.
Good one.
But you like the show?
I do except the political
stuff.
We get it.
This is my mom.
I love you, mom.
Can I tell you a secret?
[Speaking foreign language]
.
thanks, mom.
This is my mom, Sylvia.
Mom, do you ever think I would
be on snl some day?
No.
Awesome.
Remember I was in that
production of "the crucible" in
high school.
I do, oh yeah, "the
crucible."
It's a lot like that witch hunt
against President Trump.
Okay, let's go now.
This is my mom Cindy.
I love you because you
always give me the best advice.
Thanks, Luke.
Here's some more.
Enough with the trump jokes.
Okay mom, I don't write
those.
And why doesn't "snl" ever
talk about crooked Hillary?
Mom, I'm so new here.
Please don't do this.
Yeah, mom, and I'm new and
black so please be cool.
I don't understand why
everyone is focused on trump at
all, when all we should be
focused on is Jesus.
Okay, well ma, Jesus isn't
president.
And that's the problem.
This is my mom, Linda.
I think all the political
stuff gets old.
I like the sketches that
everyone can laugh at.
You mean like my stuff?
No.
Your stuff is crazy.
I meant like kenan's sketches.
Very helpful.
Thank you, mother.
This is my mom, care.
You like the politics on
the show, right?
Well, I think, Alec Baldwin
does a great trump impression.
But why does it have to be so
mean?
Who writes that stuff?
Yeah, I don't know, I guess
it's mostly Michael che.
This is ply my mom, Sarah.
I love the show, but why are
there so many talk shows and
game shows.
Why don't you do wane's world
anymore.
That was funny.
This is my mom, Amy.
I'm so proud of you, Pete.
I just don't like it when you do
all the penis jokes.
Not tonight, mom, because
mother's day is all about
vaginas.
We just want to say happy
mother's day from all of us at
snl.
And live from New York, it's
Saturday night!
Announcer: It's
"Saturday night live"!
With --
Beck Bennett,
aidy Bryant,
Michael che,
Pete Davidson,
Leslie Jones,
Colin jost,
Kate McKinnon,
Kyle mooney,
cecily strong,
kenan Thompson,
featuring --
Mikey day,
Heidi gardner,
Alex moffat,
Luke null,
Chris redd,
Melissa villasenor,
musical guest --
kacey musgraves,
and your host --
Amy schumer,
♪♪♪
ladies and gentlemen --
Amy schumer!
♪♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you very much.
Thank you so much.
And thank you so much.
It is so great to be back here
hosting "Saturday night live."
Yes!
It's the best.
Some of you may have heard, I
got married this year.
Sorry, ladies.
It's been locked down.
And some people are like what
are you going to talk about in
sand up.
All you talked about is getting
railed.
I'm like thank you.
But it's true.
I'm a little sad.
I'm never going to get a "you up
"text again.
You know?
It's not like they were rolling
in, but it was nice to know
someone was thinking about me.
I one time got a you up text and
he wrote back sorry, wrong text.
Me, too.
I will just cancel my uber.
Who cares?
So I did, I got married and the
way my now husband proposed was
so worthless.
It was such a dumb proposal.
It was the morning I was still
asleep.
He threw the box at me and said
I got you this.
That's a realistic proposal.
I feel like in the movies and TV
shows it's the guy getting down
on one knee and the girl is
shocked.
She's like aah!
I didn't even know you liked me.
You are going to spend this with
this dude and you didn't know he
liked you?
But the girls I know, I'm from
New York.
We got married in our mid-to
late 30s.
The guy would propose and my
friends are like oh, now?
Now you're ready that I probably
can't have kids.
Cool.
You're not in love, you're
tired.
I know all your passwords.
That's what's happening.
I have been a bride's maid in
six long island weddings.
Do you understand what that
means?
Again, it's like they all got
married in their mid-or late
30s.
It's New York.
If you get engaged at 40, people
are like whoa, teen bride!
Get to know him.
Meet in this man.
Go through menopause.
My friends, there is something
like a little bit sad about
being a brides maid in your late
30s.
I'm always standing there in a
greecian down with my aging
cleavage and a Coachella flower
thing and you are just in that
line of brides maids hoping you
don't have the biggest arm.
You are like to go an arm work
out and a triceps press.
She does!
But my friends, you know, people
when they were younger, it used
to be you get married in your
20s and you had a spaghetti arm
and you are holding champagne
like this is heavy!
30 is like a sea of Turkey legs.
One of my best friends got
married this summer and she's an
anthropologist.
She goes to that store
anthropology a lot.
She loves a lobster print on the
dress.
I could not afford anthropology
growing up.
If I can get anything for free,
I want it.
There are things you can get for
free like a razor you can steal
from like a gym.
It's kind of like a violent
straight razor, but they are
free.
Something else you can get for
free.
Tampons.
You will never bleed out.
Sister will be there for you.
It's true.
We get each other's backs.
You do.
And the way we ask each other,
it's not even like you don't
have to say the words.
It's like a rhythm and motion.
You look around like you are
about to talk rudely about
someone at a family reunion.
You go does anyone have a --.
You don't see the last three
words.
We say it like that because we
have been taught to be a shamed
of being born human women.
Men, I think you think we just
get our periods every month.
We choose to get it.
I'm bored.
What should I do?
I think I'll bleed.
Just bleed for a couple days.
So we whisper it because we are
embarrassed.
I asked this group of girls.
I was in a gym locker room and I
said does anyone have --
this girl said what size?
I know there are different
sizes, but I never have been
confronted with that question.
Yeah, what's the circumference
of your vagina hole?
Do you have a big hole or is it
a smaller -- then everyone in
the locker room turns to see my
answer.
I'm like um, how about do you
have something in a gaping?
How about that?
Gaping days?
Just something that can plug a
small hole in a kayak.
Is that?
Your Louis Vuitton?
This is just for the ladies.
Ladies, remember how we were
raised with the illusion of
equality?
That was our Santa claus.
Wasn't that funny?
We were little girls they were
like you can do anything!
We were like yea!
And then we got older and they
were like psych!
We were like you got us again.
It sucks.
This sucks.
I think something that we can do
is to just if your mother raised
these boys to be a little nicer
at a young age.
I really think that's a good
idea.
Just think about it.
When you're a little girl and a
little boy is mean to you or
teases you.
What does everyone say?
He likes you!
You are like okay, great.
You know, he knocked my books
out of my hands.
Valentine!
He pushed me on the floor.
You're going to prom!
Okay, great.
You guys are such a great crowd.
I hope if you haven't already,
you saoey my film, I feel
pretty.
Thank you.
I'm so proud of it, but if you
see it, bring tissues.
You are going to want to
masturbate.
I look so good in this movie.
You are such a great crowd.
We have a great show tonight.
You're watching game show
network.
Mother knows best when moms and
their teens team up to win cash.
Here's your hostess with the
mostest.
Shelby McAllister.
Welcome to mother knows best
and I'm also a I tube sketch
comedian and Sincere genuine
singer.
Okay.
To find out what our teams are
playing for, let's check in with
our announcer, cutie pie Paul.
Don't call me that.
Just Paul, please.
Our teams are playing for a
grand prize of $10,000.
Again, just Paul.
Thank you, cutie pie Paul.
Let's meet today's teams.
From fountain valley,
California.
Summer and her mom, Jackie.
My mom can be really strict.
If we don't win today, she's
grounded.
Fun.
From Arizona, it's 16-year-old
Mason and his mom, shanile.
My mom said raising kids is a
full time job.
I'm getting a $10,000 raise.
From Pennsylvania, a close
community of friends,
17-year-old John Christopher and
his mom --
my mom is my best friend.
My son is my life.
Awesome.
Okay.
Before the show, we asked our
teens questions about their moms
f. Their moms match up, they get
50 points.
What's something you do that
drives your mom crazy.
Oh, man, this is easy.
My mom hates when I chew my
hair.
Yep, I said chewing her darn
hair.
Correct!
50 points on the board.
John Christopher.
What's something you do that
annoys your mom.
Oh, man.
Sometimes in the morning I wake
up before she does and I get up
out of our bed.
When she wakes up she won't know
I'm there.
You said our bed?
Mom, show us your answer.
I said leaving our bed early
and making mommy worried.
Correct.
You get 50 points.
♪♪♪
♪♪♪
Cool!
Mason, what drives your mom
nuts?
Is it still going?
All right.
We won the points.
We are done with that.
No more of that.
What drives your mom crazy?
When I play music real loud.
She hates that.
What?
I said when you wear one of
those dumb hats.
No points.
After one round, summer and
Jackie with 50, John Christopher
with 50 points.
Close game so far, huh, cutie
pie pauley?
Please call me Paul.
We'll see.
Second question and we will
start with John Christopher.
John Christopher, what's your
mom's biggest fear?
That's easy.
That I will meet a woman and get
married some day.
That are a woman comes and
will take him leaving me in my
loneliness.
Alone, alone, alone.
Also --
lyme disease.
I really don't want to give
that answer points, but that's
50 points.
♪♪♪
♪♪♪
Okay, so the producers are
limit you limit the songs to no
songs.
All right, summer.
What's your mom's biggest fear?
Probably spiders?
Shoot.
I said that my husband and I
would get into a loud fight in
front of her friends.
No points.
I hear you though.
My mom and dad fight all the
time.
Was not afraid of a drink.
So --
Mason and charmin.
And we forfeit.
We can't beat this.
They kiss each other on the
lips.
Come on.
Look at them.
No one is going beat them.
I don't think they have ever
slept in separate rooms.
We have to take a quick break
before round two.
Can I use the restroom?
Can I help him in there
because he can't aim.
Oh, my god.
We'll be right back.
Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today
A hand maid's tale is our
"sex and the city."
You will love the spin off show,
hand maids in the city.
We have been sent good
weather.
Praise be.
As I waited for the girls, I
was feeling like an uptown gal
yad.
Are women allowed to do anything
anymore?
Under his eye.
Under his eye.
What about under my eye.
Look at these bags.
Oh, stop it.
It doesn't matter our faces look
like.
As long as we're fertile.
Of John, how is the place?
It's rent controlled.
John controls me and I don't pay
rent.
You're bad.
But not too bad.
Otherwise you get --
from the executive producer
of exand the city it's a show
more brutal and uplifting than
the news.
Sorry I'm late.
Did you get a little work done?
Is it that obvious?
It looks good on you.
You look younger.
This is what I get for
reading a newspaper.
Ofwarren, something really is
different about you.
I know, is that a new Manolo
bonnet.
That's not it.
Did you lose weight?
I gave birth, does that
count?
You laugh and cry and say
this could be me and my friends
with I way things are going.
Guess what I did last night?
Ate your rations in silence
and cried under your straw bed?
Yeah, classic me.
I had sex with a married
couple.
So did I.
Who would guess we would have
three ways in our 30s?
Really?
I'm of Gary now.
Turns out my last commander was
blessed be the fruit.
Blessed be my fruit.
I'm sweating under these robes.
Of Warren, what's wrong?
The last hand maid hung
herself and he's not over it.
He's hung up on her?
As I was getting tazed, I was
shock and stunned at how amazing
I look in red.
If you are not traumatized, you
are not watching TV.
Are not watching TV.
Good morning, honey.
I'm sorry.
I didn't make you breakfast.
But our son did.
Happy mother's day, mommy.
Oh, honey!
This is so great!
Are you the sweetest.
Thank you, sweetheart.
I helped a little bit on the
eggs, but he did the toast all
by himself.
Well, mmm.
This is the best toast I have
ever had.
Really?
Yes!
Really.
I am so lucky to be your mommy.
The day you were born was the
best day of my life.
What was it like?
The day you were born?
It was amazing.
Only a few more centimeters
and you'll be ready.
How much bigger can the hole
get?
Just breathe.
It hurts!
Were you scared, mommy?
Oh, no.
I was excited.
I had a big smile on my face the
whole time.
Didn't I?
Oh, yeah.
We have to perform an
episiotomy.
No, don't!
Why does it look like that.
Were you scared?
Daddies don't get scared.
I'm not ready!
The nice doctor came in and
told us it was time.
Where have you been?
She told me to give one
little push.
He's crowning.
One more push!
Am I pooping?
Am I pooping?
No, baby, no.
With one little push, you
were born.
You were the most beautiful baby
in the whole world.
Why does he look like that.
Why is he yellow?
Is that normal?
Why is he so ugly?
That's what happened on the
best day of my life.
You know what else?
Every day since then has been
better than the day before.
Where are is my hockey stuff?
In the hall closet.
I might get a drink after.
I love you, mommy.
Oh, I love you too, honey.
Mommy?
Yeah?
I had an accident last night.
I'm sure daddy cleaned it up.
No, I wanted you to clean it.
From huntsville, al bam a.
Welcome to gospel brunch.
Come on, everybody.
He's a body.
He's a soul.
Ooh feed the soul.
Lessons to his hands, lessons to
our mouths.
Do other things and praises
all-around.
For all of this day we take our
daily bread.
We give him thanks to keep us
all fed.
Thanks.
He's a body, he's a soul.
Ooh, feed the soul ♪♪♪
amen.
Yes, yes.
Welcome to the gospel.
Say hello to Deacon.
Blessed to be here.
Bless and hungry.
Wonderful, wonderful,
wonderful.
I'm Tracey and each week we
show you how to make Southern
cooking with spirit.
From fried chicken to fried
okra.
All right.
Deacon, how is your twin brother
doing?
Not too good.
He had a rare sex tuple bypass.
By the time they unclogged four,
two more got clogged during the
operation.
Praise Jesus.
Seems like there is a new
case of heart disease every week
around here?
I don't know where it could be
coming from.
Today we are going to be
making our prime pork casserole.
And we are going to be making
the famous four-cheese Mac and
cheese with bacon and potato
chips.
Delicious!
Well, let's get to cooking and
to help us is a chef all the way
from Phoenix, Arizona.
Ain't that exciting.
She added an Asian twist to it.
Here's Melissa.
Hello.
This is so fun.
Now, Melissa, you have
something special for us.
I do.
Today I will make teriyaki
chicken wings.
Praise Jesus, that sounds
delicious.
Let's praise together.
Oh, gosh, I would, but I'm an
atheist.
Oh.
Melissa, everybody.
Time for to you go.
I can't come up to the lord and
say he don't live here.
Okay.
You know, she was nice.
She was nice, too bad she
couldn't stay.
Our next guest is a chef from
marietta, Georgia who put out a
cookbook called eating healthy
the Southern way.
Here's Kayla.
Praise the lord.
What about that.
You got so much.
That's right.
Now me, you think you can get
healthy, y'all.
How?
You can make a few small
changes to your diet.
I know we all love gravy.
I know.
But you can't have all that.
Okay?
Here is my very own recipe for
vegetarian biscuits and gravy.
This is 100% no meat.
Except for a little bit of
chicken and a lot of sausage.
You have to make it edible.
Praise him.
Praise him ♪♪♪
Thank you.
It's a great way to eat healthy
is just make a smoothie.
If it's through a straw, it's
healthy.
That is a fact.
That's a fact.
That's right.
This is a healthy smooth I I
made with my own hands on my own
time.
It's just like pecan pie.
I love pecan pie!
I promise y'all, just blend
up ice, low fat milk, bananas
and cinnamon and one whole pecan
pie.
You put it in like so.
No problem.
Okay?
That's it.
Blend it all up.
Be careful there.
That's wonderful.
All right.
Praise him.
The lord doesn't always work
and that's fine.
You will have to trust me.
This is delicious.
Nothing short of a miracle.
You have more healthy tips,
but before we get into that, we
will take a moment to
acknowledge all the friends of
the show that we have lost this
month from heart disease,
diabetes and sugar foot.
I don't know why this keeps
happening.
Must be something in the water.
This song is for you.
Butter, pepper, bacon and
mayonnaise.
Stuff it in cheese and put it
all in the Turkey for Jesus.
A Turkey for Jesus.
Living in peace ♪♪♪
Man, thank you so much.
Why don't we go to commercial
and when we come back, we will
get to cooking.
Feed the body, feed the soul ♪♪♪
we will show you how to add a
little flavor with a little
salt.
Ladies and gentlemen,
kacey musgraves.
♪♪♪
♪ oh I bet you think
you're John Wayne
showing up
shooting down everybody ♪
♪ you're classic
in the wrong way
and we all know
the end of the story ♪
♪ 'cause everyone
knows someone
who kills the buzz
every time ♪
♪ they open up their mouth
yeah everyone knows someone
who knows someone
who thinks they're cooler ♪
♪ than everybody else
and I think she's seen enough
seen enough
to know that you ain't ever ♪
♪ gonna come down
why don't you giddy up
giddy up
and ride straight out ♪
♪ of this town
you and your high horse
you and your high horse
oh I bet you think ♪
♪ you're first place
yeah someone should
give you a ribbon
and put you ♪
♪ in the hall of fame
for all the games
that you think
that you're winning ♪
♪ 'cause everyone knows
someone who kills the buzz
every time they open up
their mouth ♪
♪ yeah everyone knows
someone who knows someone
who thinks they're cooler
than everybody else ♪
♪ and I think
we've seen enough
seen enough
to know that you ♪
♪ ain't ever gonna come down
so why don't you giddy up
giddy up
and ride straight out ♪
♪ of this town
you and your high horse
you and your high horse ♪
♪♪♪
♪♪♪
♪ darling ♪
♪ you take the high horse
and I'll take the high road
oh if you're too good for us
you'll be good riding solo ♪
♪ yeah I think
we've seen enough
seen enough
to know that you ♪
♪ ain't ever gonna come down
why don't you giddy up
giddy up
and ride straight out ♪
♪ of this town
you and your high horse
you and your high horse ♪
♪♪♪
♪ high horse ♪
♪ you ain't ever gonna
come down ♪
♪♪♪
♪ you ain't ever gonna
come down ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
Announcer: It's "weekend
update" with Colin jost and
Michael che.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you.
Good evening, everyone.
Welcome to weekend update.
I'm Michael che.
And I'm Colin jost.
You know?
I gotta say, President Trump had
he helped secure the release of
three American prisoners and he
didn't even say I thought they
were Americans.
Trump bragged that him greeting
the prisoners was the highest
ever television ratings for 3:00
in the morning.
Which is not true.
It was set on election night by
liberals hoping they were being
pranked.
I mean sure.
This has been a decent week for
Donald Trump.
The same way a decent date with
r. Kelly is to go home dry.
[ Audience oohs ]
Personally, I don't like when
trump is this quiet.
It's like when you are
babysitting a toddler and it's
been quiet for like 30 minutes.
And you are like, "oh, no.
He's eating out of that litter
box again.
According to a report Michael
Cohen was paid $600,000 and he
could not be reached for comment
because they were using at&t.
They were paying this guy for
intelligence.
He's like if the word der became
a person.
He named his shell company
essential consultants which
could not sound more fake.
It's like a place George
Costanza would pretend to work
at.
Trump said Rob instruction of
justice is a made up phony
crime.
The crime you are accused of?
When it comes to immigration, he
is like the law is the law.
When it comes to himself, he was
like laws are not real.
They are stories we make up to
scare poor people.
President Trump announced he
would be withdrawing from the
Iran nuclear deal.
I'm not going to pretend I know
anything about the Iran deal,
but trump is.
You know the only part of that
deal trump read was the
signature on the bottom that
said Barack Obama.
That's all he needed.
He is undoing so much of Obama's
work he is going to start fading
away like back to the future.
Rudy giuliani is going to
become President Trump's
attorney full time and the first
task is to undo the damage he
did part-time.
Undocumented parents would be
separated from their children
unless they can guess his real
name is rumple stilt skin.
First lady melania trump or
sexy ass Michael Jackson
launched the campaign be best.
Like it would be best if you got
a divorce.
It's may that means it's time
for summer blockbusters.
Here to talk about the movie she
is most looking forward to.
Bailey at the movies.
Please become Bailey.
You got a preview of a lot of
summer movies.
So you watched me?
Okay, walk ward.
I get to see movies early
because movie people think I'm
like an influence or whatever.
I don't know.
I can't say it.
I'm excite for the new
Jurassic park movie.
I guess I thought the movie
was fake.
All of a sudden dinosaurs are
like back.
Like that would never happen.
Jurassic park.
I see you.
You're fake.
It's science fiction.
Let's talk about another movie
you saw.
Well, I saw avengers infinity
wars and it was fake, too.
It was also like pretty tight.
For being like super fake, it
was pretty real.
Who was your favorite a
verchlg -- avenger.
He was different.
Do you like bannos?
Why, do you know him?
Don't.
I'm not going text him.
I don't like him.
He's cool and strong and I don't
care.
I just like I like super heroes
because I'm into guy stuff.
Because I have brothers and I'm
sorry I don't like salads.
I like burgers and wings and I
don't like dolphins.
I like sharks.
That's me.
Oh.
And if you text him, it's
going to be like so bad.
I didn't mean to get you
worked up.
I'm not -- I'm not worked up.
I just like have so much on my
plate.
And I'm not trying to say that
like you guys don't work hard.
Because I know I Saturdays you
do.
But I can't just check out.
I have like finals and field
day.
And I'm dog sitting for my
pastor.
And like they didn't pick my
prom theme.
Which was moulon Rouge.
It's not too sexy.
It's French.
Hope you have a great summer.
If you are obsessed with me
like he is.
Like and subscribe below.
This is not you tube.
This is live TV.
Like the playoffs.
Yeah, I watch sports.
Super heroes can't be winning.
Super heroes can't be winning.
It doesn't make sense.
Hunter college announced they
will give an honorary degree to
vin diesel.
He said he can't wait to find
out if the degree is in
fahrenheit or celsius.
Electronics store best buy
changed their logo to get more
modern.
It went from this to this.
Police arrested a legless
woman in Florida wanted for
skipping a court date.
It's a rare case of a legless
person skipping.
I'm not above that joke at all.
Police at Yale university
interrogated a black graduate
student.
If you are black and you go to
Yale, stay woke.
I feel like the next time a
scary white lady calls the cops
on a black person, we should get
something.
Like $50.
Call it the Megan tax.
When black people hear sirens,
you can think I will make rent.
The ceo of Starbucks said no
one should be forced to buy an
item to use the bathroom.
That's what the guy in the
bathroom wrote on his suicide
note.
A man reportedly harassed a
moose by chaseing it down the
street.
Said the man, I like my girls
thick.
Two days after Rudy giuliani
left the law firm of --
so sorry.
[ Applause ]
Pop it out later.
I thought you might need a
Claritin because you are getting
a little froggy.
This is my stepmother.
Hang on.
I have to say you meant to say
world's proudest stepmom.
Didn't you mean to say that.
See this little guy?
Remember him.
You may not have grown in my
tummy, but I love putting you
around my tummy.
I love it so much.
You want a chair?
No, I'm not going to use it.
What am I going to sit down next
to you?
That would be crazy.
I can't do that.
How would it be?
Where did she's shoulders come
from.
You were doing a joke about Judy
Rudy.
I don't know who she is, but I
can't wait to laugh.
This week Rudy giuliani
resigned.
I have a different head.
How did do you that?
How did you do that?
You did it.
I didn't even say the joke.
Zinger.
Everything you say is just --
I'm in stitches.
In stitches all the time.
Yeah.
It's just very funny.
Colin, were we cracking up or
what.
Look at Colin cracking up.
He's like what?
It was very funny joke,
Michael.
I love that joke.
See.
He thinks you are so much
funnier.
Don't.
Mom, it's just a set up.
This wasn't the actual joke.
Law firm.
Firm.
You rascal.
I will tell you what.
I always knew what you were
doing in your room and I never
wanted to intrude.
I respect you.
You know what, what it on your
face.
It's me!
It's me!
Ooh!
I can't help it.
Delicious.
They want more.
I'm not even here.
You have a meeting out of your
palm like you have it fall of
cheese.
A fist full of cheese.
You just go ahead.
I will try the next one.
Oh, Doe it.
You can do it.
Okay, mom.
Town and country magazine
apologized to --
oh, my god.
You know what?
No.
Neither do I.
That's what's so amazing.
Oh, my god.
Sometimes I look at that face
and I go -- I love every bit
about it.
Every sing thing.
Colin, do you know this is
relevant to what you guys are
talking about.
In the third grade Michael read
a poem about horseshoe crabs and
there was not a what?
Dry eye in the room.
In the room.
I don't want to do that, but all
I'm saying is horseshoe crabs
have very limited lifespans and
I know that because of you.
Very limited lifespans.
We need to get on with this.
You better.
You know Colin when Michael was
little, he had very juicy little
buns.
They are still juicy, but they
are different now.
You also.
I'm sure have very juicy buns.
I have seen you in bike shorts.
Thank you.
That means a lot to me.
I have an idea.
How about if you read a joke?
No, I can't do that.
No!
Please do.
They want to hear it.
You read that card right there.
Okay.
You know what, I have to without
my cheaters, let me see.
You can bring the card
closer?
I don't want to trouble
anybody.
That is still not -- let me
see.
You know what, if I get -- you
come into focus, I got it.
Okay.
Tomorrow is manager's day.
Happy mother's day to the
best -- oh, boy.
To the best stepmom in the
world.
Oh, boy.
Did you write that for me?
Yeah, I did.
That's wonderful.
My stepmother, everybody.
Good night.
Welcome back to wake up
Denver's early bird hour.
Our field kor respondent is
in downtown where a big show is
in the works.
I'm at rehearal with the
most talented young thespians.
That rhymes with lez biance.
Hubba hubba.
They are hard at work on
their new show and there is
525,600 reasons to see lil rent.
I am joined by the very busy
director, lowell Evans.
It is a madhouse.
We are in the middle of hell
week living up to its name.
Tell us about the show.
Lil represent is an abridged
family friendly version of the
hit musical about New York City
artists living through the
HIV-aids crisis.
How does lil rent handle the
subject matter with a cast of
children.
It is changed to diabetes and
it doesn't change things at all.
Really?
It's just that in the original
HIV-aids, characters die from
it.
How did you change the original
script?
I used the find and replace
feature in Microsoft word and
replaced HIV-aids with diabetes.
I think it's more powerful this
way.
I don't know about that.
Let's meet the cast.
You might have seen him in last
fall.
He plays Roger.
I understand you are going to
be doing a scene for us?
Yes, ma'am.
This is a scene from act 1 where
my character is singing about
his friend, Roger who is
diabetes positive.
In the late 80s, diabetes was
this
the new sexually transmitted
disease that people didn't know
a lot about.
It was scary.
Diabetes was --
basically a death sentence.
>>
they say diabetes is a gay
disease, but it's not.
Roger got diabetes from having
sex with his girlfriend.
Close on Roger whose
girlfriend left him a note
saying we've got diabetes before
slitting her wrists in the
bathroom.
Take your Insulin, Roger!
And scene.
Very powerful, boys.
Let's meet more of the cast.
This is Amy meriweather
sherman.
She is talented and fiercely
conservative.
My name is Amy meriweather
sherman and I'm this many years
old and my favorite political
party is republican.
And Amelia be dealia goes
camping.
Who are you playing?
I play Mimi vasquez.
She's a puerto rican stripper
and a heroin addict who got
diabetes who shared an infected
heroin needle.
We say dancer, not stripper.
She takes her clothes off.
Tell them about your Spanish.
She only speaks Spanish and I
only speak white.
The way you say diabetes in
Spanish is diabetos.
She will be playing her song
out tonight.
This song is about my
character is hoarding and she
wants to have someone to have
sex with.
♪♪♪
I'm a puerto rican stripper and
I want to go ayoo tonight!
Meow.
And scene, thank you, Amy.
If you want to see more, buy a
ticket.
Lock her up.
Lock her up.
That is for home.
You can buy tickets on line
now for $175.
My god.
Do you think that's too much.
Yeah.
We'll be right back.
Once again, kacey musgraves.
♪♪♪
♪ born in a hurry
always late
haven't been early since '88 ♪
♪♪♪
♪ Texas is hot ♪
♪ I can be cold
grandma cried
when I pierced my nose ♪
♪♪♪
♪ good in a glass ♪
♪ good on green
good when you're putting
your hands all over me
I'm alright ♪
♪ with a slow burn
taking my time
let the world turn
I'm gonna do it my way ♪
♪ it'll be alright
if we burn it down
and it takes all night
it's a slow burn yeah ♪
♪♪♪
the sun's goin' down
but in Beijing
they're heading ♪
♪ out to work ♪
♪♪♪
♪ you know the bar
down the street
don't close for an hour ♪
♪ we should take a walk
and look at all the flowers
'cause I'm alright
with a slow burn ♪
♪ taking my time
let the world turn
I'm gonna do it my way
it'll be alright ♪
♪ if we burn it down
and it takes all night
it's a slow burn
mm whatever feels good ♪
♪♪♪
♪♪♪
♪♪♪
♪♪♪
♪♪♪
♪ old soul waiting my turn
I know a few things
but I still got
a lot to learn ♪
♪ so I'm alright
with a slow burn
slow burn
slow burn ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
Last call, ladies.
It's time to go home
bartender, give me more grown
Dean and caviar.
I will take a monstat 7 and
7.
I got places to be.
All right.
My children are unattended.
Oh, I thought the Kentucky
derby was last week, but looks
like there is another nag around
the track.
Why don't you mount me and ride
me to victory before they turn
me into glue, huh?
You mind if I move a little
closer?
I'm sitting on what I'm choosing
to believe is gum.
Sure.
Let me just move my stool.
There, I'm ready.
Did it hurt when you fell
from heaven and I assume you
landed on your face?
Good one.
It was your mother a beaver,
you got a flat tail, furry face
and smell like a lake.
The crazy thing is I used to
fantasize about something like
this.
My name is Sheila.
If you mix up the letters, it
spells whole ass vag.
What are about you?
What are they going to write on
yours?
Other than rip?
Rancid in pants.
Seal sued me for having to look
at my face.
Get out!
Get out.
I saw seal at a club.
Excuse me, I clubbed a seal with
a saw.
It didn't work.
He lived.
I'm not welcome at any beach.
Alexa, what do I do?
Kill yourself.
When I first saw you, I was
like god no.
Now I'm like god, might as well,
can't find my keys.
When I saw you earlier, I was
like should I do something?
But then you got up on the floor
and you seemed okay.
This is crazy.
Something's happening here.
Yeah, oh, yeah.
What do you say we go back to
my place and make out, a living
will.
Let's do doggy style.
That's when I run away and you
walk through the neighborhood
screaming my name.
Let's do this.
Wait a minute.
Wait.
Better safe than sorry.
Oh, yeah.
Ready?
That was uparousing.
I just pitched a cave.
Here's what.
Since our poots are dry as bone,
why don't we get moisture on our
faces with these and we don't
have to look at each other's
rosacea.
One, two, three, let's hit
it.
>>
I guess there is only one
option left.
Good thing I hid this thing from
the Nazis.
♪♪♪
Grandma might pass out.
For kicks off with the
speaker, Amy Mitchell who
doesn't know how to work that
Mike.
Sometimes I wish -- and that
I could stay at this school.
Followed by valedictorian
Oliver kline.
The smartest kid in class giving
the world's saltiest speech.
Some of us were considered
cool or popular and girls didn't
notice me, but in a few year,
boy oh, boy things are going to
change and you wish you had
gotten me.
Congratulations to the class of
2018.
Bitter much?
I didn't think so.
It's time for the main event.
Handing out diplomas.
All your favorites will be there
with grads with unfortunate
names and Ashley Brandt who is
making a confused political
statement.
Get your laws off my uterus
and save the honey bees.
And how about Matt Jones who
has been telling everyone he is
going to do a backhand spring
and bails at the last minute.
And when visiby pregnant senior
Courtney king take the stage,
watch that hit the parent
section like an atomic bomb.
Who's the father.
The principal mispronounces
the Indian kid's last name.
And of course -- is it a boy
or a girl?
And it's time for dads with
iPads and no one knows which
phone to look at.
Secrets will be revealed like
when you realize the parents are
like normal?
How did that happen?
And then look, there is a
senior having drama with his
girlfriend who's a sophomore.
I don't want to date college
girls much we are not going to
break up, okay?
Yeah they will.
A day to remember, but the
only thing everything will
remember is when the principal
fell off the stage.
Define the term graduate.
The James Madison high school
graduation.
Your grandma flew in for this.
Thanks to kacey musgraves and
the cast and the crew.
Thank you.
This is the best time in the
world.
Happy mother's day.
I'm aidy Bryant and this is
my mom.
Normally we open the show with a
mother's day step of, but this
is the one thing we can
celebrate together.
Moms.
I'm so proud you are here
tonight and for the love and
support.
I can't wait to rip it up at
the after party.
Okay, wow.
Everybody, this is my sweet
little mommy, Ann.
Mom, without your suspect, I
would never have made it to snl.
I can't imagine this show
without you.
I can't remember when you
weren't on it.
Nice.
Good one.
But you like the show?
I do except the political
stuff.
We get it.
This is my mom.
I love you, mom.
Can I tell you a secret?
[Speaking foreign language]
.
thanks, mom.
This is my mom, Sylvia.
Mom, do you ever think I would
be on snl some day?
No.
Awesome.
Remember I was in that
production of "the crucible" in
high school.
I do, oh yeah, "the
crucible."
It's a lot like that witch hunt
against President Trump.
Okay, let's go now.
This is my mom Cindy.
I love you because you
always give me the best advice.
Thanks, Luke.
Here's some more.
Enough with the trump jokes.
Okay mom, I don't write
those.
And why doesn't "snl" ever
talk about crooked Hillary?
Mom, I'm so new here.
Please don't do this.
Yeah, mom, and I'm new and
black so please be cool.
I don't understand why
everyone is focused on trump at
all, when all we should be
focused on is Jesus.
Okay, well ma, Jesus isn't
president.
And that's the problem.
This is my mom, Linda.
I think all the political
stuff gets old.
I like the sketches that
everyone can laugh at.
You mean like my stuff?
No.
Your stuff is crazy.
I meant like kenan's sketches.
Very helpful.
Thank you, mother.
This is my mom, care.
You like the politics on
the show, right?
Well, I think, Alec Baldwin
does a great trump impression.
But why does it have to be so
mean?
Who writes that stuff?
Yeah, I don't know, I guess
it's mostly Michael che.
This is ply my mom, Sarah.
I love the show, but why are
there so many talk shows and
game shows.
Why don't you do wane's world
anymore.
That was funny.
This is my mom, Amy.
I'm so proud of you, Pete.
I just don't like it when you do
all the penis jokes.
Not tonight, mom, because
mother's day is all about
vaginas.
We just want to say happy
mother's day from all of us at
snl.
And live from New York, it's
Saturday night!
Announcer: It's
"Saturday night live"!
With --
Beck Bennett,
aidy Bryant,
Michael che,
Pete Davidson,
Leslie Jones,
Colin jost,
Kate McKinnon,
Kyle mooney,
cecily strong,
kenan Thompson,
featuring --
Mikey day,
Heidi gardner,
Alex moffat,
Luke null,
Chris redd,
Melissa villasenor,
musical guest --
kacey musgraves,
and your host --
Amy schumer,
♪♪♪
ladies and gentlemen --
Amy schumer!
♪♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you very much.
Thank you so much.
And thank you so much.
It is so great to be back here
hosting "Saturday night live."
Yes!
It's the best.
Some of you may have heard, I
got married this year.
Sorry, ladies.
It's been locked down.
And some people are like what
are you going to talk about in
sand up.
All you talked about is getting
railed.
I'm like thank you.
But it's true.
I'm a little sad.
I'm never going to get a "you up
"text again.
You know?
It's not like they were rolling
in, but it was nice to know
someone was thinking about me.
I one time got a you up text and
he wrote back sorry, wrong text.
Me, too.
I will just cancel my uber.
Who cares?
So I did, I got married and the
way my now husband proposed was
so worthless.
It was such a dumb proposal.
It was the morning I was still
asleep.
He threw the box at me and said
I got you this.
That's a realistic proposal.
I feel like in the movies and TV
shows it's the guy getting down
on one knee and the girl is
shocked.
She's like aah!
I didn't even know you liked me.
You are going to spend this with
this dude and you didn't know he
liked you?
But the girls I know, I'm from
New York.
We got married in our mid-to
late 30s.
The guy would propose and my
friends are like oh, now?
Now you're ready that I probably
can't have kids.
Cool.
You're not in love, you're
tired.
I know all your passwords.
That's what's happening.
I have been a bride's maid in
six long island weddings.
Do you understand what that
means?
Again, it's like they all got
married in their mid-or late
30s.
It's New York.
If you get engaged at 40, people
are like whoa, teen bride!
Get to know him.
Meet in this man.
Go through menopause.
My friends, there is something
like a little bit sad about
being a brides maid in your late
30s.
I'm always standing there in a
greecian down with my aging
cleavage and a Coachella flower
thing and you are just in that
line of brides maids hoping you
don't have the biggest arm.
You are like to go an arm work
out and a triceps press.
She does!
But my friends, you know, people
when they were younger, it used
to be you get married in your
20s and you had a spaghetti arm
and you are holding champagne
like this is heavy!
30 is like a sea of Turkey legs.
One of my best friends got
married this summer and she's an
anthropologist.
She goes to that store
anthropology a lot.
She loves a lobster print on the
dress.
I could not afford anthropology
growing up.
If I can get anything for free,
I want it.
There are things you can get for
free like a razor you can steal
from like a gym.
It's kind of like a violent
straight razor, but they are
free.
Something else you can get for
free.
Tampons.
You will never bleed out.
Sister will be there for you.
It's true.
We get each other's backs.
You do.
And the way we ask each other,
it's not even like you don't
have to say the words.
It's like a rhythm and motion.
You look around like you are
about to talk rudely about
someone at a family reunion.
You go does anyone have a --.
You don't see the last three
words.
We say it like that because we
have been taught to be a shamed
of being born human women.
Men, I think you think we just
get our periods every month.
We choose to get it.
I'm bored.
What should I do?
I think I'll bleed.
Just bleed for a couple days.
So we whisper it because we are
embarrassed.
I asked this group of girls.
I was in a gym locker room and I
said does anyone have --
this girl said what size?
I know there are different
sizes, but I never have been
confronted with that question.
Yeah, what's the circumference
of your vagina hole?
Do you have a big hole or is it
a smaller -- then everyone in
the locker room turns to see my
answer.
I'm like um, how about do you
have something in a gaping?
How about that?
Gaping days?
Just something that can plug a
small hole in a kayak.
Is that?
Your Louis Vuitton?
This is just for the ladies.
Ladies, remember how we were
raised with the illusion of
equality?
That was our Santa claus.
Wasn't that funny?
We were little girls they were
like you can do anything!
We were like yea!
And then we got older and they
were like psych!
We were like you got us again.
It sucks.
This sucks.
I think something that we can do
is to just if your mother raised
these boys to be a little nicer
at a young age.
I really think that's a good
idea.
Just think about it.
When you're a little girl and a
little boy is mean to you or
teases you.
What does everyone say?
He likes you!
You are like okay, great.
You know, he knocked my books
out of my hands.
Valentine!
He pushed me on the floor.
You're going to prom!
Okay, great.
You guys are such a great crowd.
I hope if you haven't already,
you saoey my film, I feel
pretty.
Thank you.
I'm so proud of it, but if you
see it, bring tissues.
You are going to want to
masturbate.
I look so good in this movie.
You are such a great crowd.
We have a great show tonight.
You're watching game show
network.
Mother knows best when moms and
their teens team up to win cash.
Here's your hostess with the
mostest.
Shelby McAllister.
Welcome to mother knows best
and I'm also a I tube sketch
comedian and Sincere genuine
singer.
Okay.
To find out what our teams are
playing for, let's check in with
our announcer, cutie pie Paul.
Don't call me that.
Just Paul, please.
Our teams are playing for a
grand prize of $10,000.
Again, just Paul.
Thank you, cutie pie Paul.
Let's meet today's teams.
From fountain valley,
California.
Summer and her mom, Jackie.
My mom can be really strict.
If we don't win today, she's
grounded.
Fun.
From Arizona, it's 16-year-old
Mason and his mom, shanile.
My mom said raising kids is a
full time job.
I'm getting a $10,000 raise.
From Pennsylvania, a close
community of friends,
17-year-old John Christopher and
his mom --
my mom is my best friend.
My son is my life.
Awesome.
Okay.
Before the show, we asked our
teens questions about their moms
f. Their moms match up, they get
50 points.
What's something you do that
drives your mom crazy.
Oh, man, this is easy.
My mom hates when I chew my
hair.
Yep, I said chewing her darn
hair.
Correct!
50 points on the board.
John Christopher.
What's something you do that
annoys your mom.
Oh, man.
Sometimes in the morning I wake
up before she does and I get up
out of our bed.
When she wakes up she won't know
I'm there.
You said our bed?
Mom, show us your answer.
I said leaving our bed early
and making mommy worried.
Correct.
You get 50 points.
♪♪♪
♪♪♪
Cool!
Mason, what drives your mom
nuts?
Is it still going?
All right.
We won the points.
We are done with that.
No more of that.
What drives your mom crazy?
When I play music real loud.
She hates that.
What?
I said when you wear one of
those dumb hats.
No points.
After one round, summer and
Jackie with 50, John Christopher
with 50 points.
Close game so far, huh, cutie
pie pauley?
Please call me Paul.
We'll see.
Second question and we will
start with John Christopher.
John Christopher, what's your
mom's biggest fear?
That's easy.
That I will meet a woman and get
married some day.
That are a woman comes and
will take him leaving me in my
loneliness.
Alone, alone, alone.
Also --
lyme disease.
I really don't want to give
that answer points, but that's
50 points.
♪♪♪
♪♪♪
Okay, so the producers are
limit you limit the songs to no
songs.
All right, summer.
What's your mom's biggest fear?
Probably spiders?
Shoot.
I said that my husband and I
would get into a loud fight in
front of her friends.
No points.
I hear you though.
My mom and dad fight all the
time.
Was not afraid of a drink.
So --
Mason and charmin.
And we forfeit.
We can't beat this.
They kiss each other on the
lips.
Come on.
Look at them.
No one is going beat them.
I don't think they have ever
slept in separate rooms.
We have to take a quick break
before round two.
Can I use the restroom?
Can I help him in there
because he can't aim.
Oh, my god.
We'll be right back.
Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today
A hand maid's tale is our
"sex and the city."
You will love the spin off show,
hand maids in the city.
We have been sent good
weather.
Praise be.
As I waited for the girls, I
was feeling like an uptown gal
yad.
Are women allowed to do anything
anymore?
Under his eye.
Under his eye.
What about under my eye.
Look at these bags.
Oh, stop it.
It doesn't matter our faces look
like.
As long as we're fertile.
Of John, how is the place?
It's rent controlled.
John controls me and I don't pay
rent.
You're bad.
But not too bad.
Otherwise you get --
from the executive producer
of exand the city it's a show
more brutal and uplifting than
the news.
Sorry I'm late.
Did you get a little work done?
Is it that obvious?
It looks good on you.
You look younger.
This is what I get for
reading a newspaper.
Ofwarren, something really is
different about you.
I know, is that a new Manolo
bonnet.
That's not it.
Did you lose weight?
I gave birth, does that
count?
You laugh and cry and say
this could be me and my friends
with I way things are going.
Guess what I did last night?
Ate your rations in silence
and cried under your straw bed?
Yeah, classic me.
I had sex with a married
couple.
So did I.
Who would guess we would have
three ways in our 30s?
Really?
I'm of Gary now.
Turns out my last commander was
blessed be the fruit.
Blessed be my fruit.
I'm sweating under these robes.
Of Warren, what's wrong?
The last hand maid hung
herself and he's not over it.
He's hung up on her?
As I was getting tazed, I was
shock and stunned at how amazing
I look in red.
If you are not traumatized, you
are not watching TV.
Are not watching TV.
Good morning, honey.
I'm sorry.
I didn't make you breakfast.
But our son did.
Happy mother's day, mommy.
Oh, honey!
This is so great!
Are you the sweetest.
Thank you, sweetheart.
I helped a little bit on the
eggs, but he did the toast all
by himself.
Well, mmm.
This is the best toast I have
ever had.
Really?
Yes!
Really.
I am so lucky to be your mommy.
The day you were born was the
best day of my life.
What was it like?
The day you were born?
It was amazing.
Only a few more centimeters
and you'll be ready.
How much bigger can the hole
get?
Just breathe.
It hurts!
Were you scared, mommy?
Oh, no.
I was excited.
I had a big smile on my face the
whole time.
Didn't I?
Oh, yeah.
We have to perform an
episiotomy.
No, don't!
Why does it look like that.
Were you scared?
Daddies don't get scared.
I'm not ready!
The nice doctor came in and
told us it was time.
Where have you been?
She told me to give one
little push.
He's crowning.
One more push!
Am I pooping?
Am I pooping?
No, baby, no.
With one little push, you
were born.
You were the most beautiful baby
in the whole world.
Why does he look like that.
Why is he yellow?
Is that normal?
Why is he so ugly?
That's what happened on the
best day of my life.
You know what else?
Every day since then has been
better than the day before.
Where are is my hockey stuff?
In the hall closet.
I might get a drink after.
I love you, mommy.
Oh, I love you too, honey.
Mommy?
Yeah?
I had an accident last night.
I'm sure daddy cleaned it up.
No, I wanted you to clean it.
From huntsville, al bam a.
Welcome to gospel brunch.
Come on, everybody.
He's a body.
He's a soul.
Ooh feed the soul.
Lessons to his hands, lessons to
our mouths.
Do other things and praises
all-around.
For all of this day we take our
daily bread.
We give him thanks to keep us
all fed.
Thanks.
He's a body, he's a soul.
Ooh, feed the soul ♪♪♪
amen.
Yes, yes.
Welcome to the gospel.
Say hello to Deacon.
Blessed to be here.
Bless and hungry.
Wonderful, wonderful,
wonderful.
I'm Tracey and each week we
show you how to make Southern
cooking with spirit.
From fried chicken to fried
okra.
All right.
Deacon, how is your twin brother
doing?
Not too good.
He had a rare sex tuple bypass.
By the time they unclogged four,
two more got clogged during the
operation.
Praise Jesus.
Seems like there is a new
case of heart disease every week
around here?
I don't know where it could be
coming from.
Today we are going to be
making our prime pork casserole.
And we are going to be making
the famous four-cheese Mac and
cheese with bacon and potato
chips.
Delicious!
Well, let's get to cooking and
to help us is a chef all the way
from Phoenix, Arizona.
Ain't that exciting.
She added an Asian twist to it.
Here's Melissa.
Hello.
This is so fun.
Now, Melissa, you have
something special for us.
I do.
Today I will make teriyaki
chicken wings.
Praise Jesus, that sounds
delicious.
Let's praise together.
Oh, gosh, I would, but I'm an
atheist.
Oh.
Melissa, everybody.
Time for to you go.
I can't come up to the lord and
say he don't live here.
Okay.
You know, she was nice.
She was nice, too bad she
couldn't stay.
Our next guest is a chef from
marietta, Georgia who put out a
cookbook called eating healthy
the Southern way.
Here's Kayla.
Praise the lord.
What about that.
You got so much.
That's right.
Now me, you think you can get
healthy, y'all.
How?
You can make a few small
changes to your diet.
I know we all love gravy.
I know.
But you can't have all that.
Okay?
Here is my very own recipe for
vegetarian biscuits and gravy.
This is 100% no meat.
Except for a little bit of
chicken and a lot of sausage.
You have to make it edible.
Praise him.
Praise him ♪♪♪
Thank you.
It's a great way to eat healthy
is just make a smoothie.
If it's through a straw, it's
healthy.
That is a fact.
That's a fact.
That's right.
This is a healthy smooth I I
made with my own hands on my own
time.
It's just like pecan pie.
I love pecan pie!
I promise y'all, just blend
up ice, low fat milk, bananas
and cinnamon and one whole pecan
pie.
You put it in like so.
No problem.
Okay?
That's it.
Blend it all up.
Be careful there.
That's wonderful.
All right.
Praise him.
The lord doesn't always work
and that's fine.
You will have to trust me.
This is delicious.
Nothing short of a miracle.
You have more healthy tips,
but before we get into that, we
will take a moment to
acknowledge all the friends of
the show that we have lost this
month from heart disease,
diabetes and sugar foot.
I don't know why this keeps
happening.
Must be something in the water.
This song is for you.
Butter, pepper, bacon and
mayonnaise.
Stuff it in cheese and put it
all in the Turkey for Jesus.
A Turkey for Jesus.
Living in peace ♪♪♪
Man, thank you so much.
Why don't we go to commercial
and when we come back, we will
get to cooking.
Feed the body, feed the soul ♪♪♪
we will show you how to add a
little flavor with a little
salt.
Ladies and gentlemen,
kacey musgraves.
♪♪♪
♪ oh I bet you think
you're John Wayne
showing up
shooting down everybody ♪
♪ you're classic
in the wrong way
and we all know
the end of the story ♪
♪ 'cause everyone
knows someone
who kills the buzz
every time ♪
♪ they open up their mouth
yeah everyone knows someone
who knows someone
who thinks they're cooler ♪
♪ than everybody else
and I think she's seen enough
seen enough
to know that you ain't ever ♪
♪ gonna come down
why don't you giddy up
giddy up
and ride straight out ♪
♪ of this town
you and your high horse
you and your high horse
oh I bet you think ♪
♪ you're first place
yeah someone should
give you a ribbon
and put you ♪
♪ in the hall of fame
for all the games
that you think
that you're winning ♪
♪ 'cause everyone knows
someone who kills the buzz
every time they open up
their mouth ♪
♪ yeah everyone knows
someone who knows someone
who thinks they're cooler
than everybody else ♪
♪ and I think
we've seen enough
seen enough
to know that you ♪
♪ ain't ever gonna come down
so why don't you giddy up
giddy up
and ride straight out ♪
♪ of this town
you and your high horse
you and your high horse ♪
♪♪♪
♪♪♪
♪ darling ♪
♪ you take the high horse
and I'll take the high road
oh if you're too good for us
you'll be good riding solo ♪
♪ yeah I think
we've seen enough
seen enough
to know that you ♪
♪ ain't ever gonna come down
why don't you giddy up
giddy up
and ride straight out ♪
♪ of this town
you and your high horse
you and your high horse ♪
♪♪♪
♪ high horse ♪
♪ you ain't ever gonna
come down ♪
♪♪♪
♪ you ain't ever gonna
come down ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
Announcer: It's "weekend
update" with Colin jost and
Michael che.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you.
Good evening, everyone.
Welcome to weekend update.
I'm Michael che.
And I'm Colin jost.
You know?
I gotta say, President Trump had
he helped secure the release of
three American prisoners and he
didn't even say I thought they
were Americans.
Trump bragged that him greeting
the prisoners was the highest
ever television ratings for 3:00
in the morning.
Which is not true.
It was set on election night by
liberals hoping they were being
pranked.
I mean sure.
This has been a decent week for
Donald Trump.
The same way a decent date with
r. Kelly is to go home dry.
[ Audience oohs ]
Personally, I don't like when
trump is this quiet.
It's like when you are
babysitting a toddler and it's
been quiet for like 30 minutes.
And you are like, "oh, no.
He's eating out of that litter
box again.
According to a report Michael
Cohen was paid $600,000 and he
could not be reached for comment
because they were using at&t.
They were paying this guy for
intelligence.
He's like if the word der became
a person.
He named his shell company
essential consultants which
could not sound more fake.
It's like a place George
Costanza would pretend to work
at.
Trump said Rob instruction of
justice is a made up phony
crime.
The crime you are accused of?
When it comes to immigration, he
is like the law is the law.
When it comes to himself, he was
like laws are not real.
They are stories we make up to
scare poor people.
President Trump announced he
would be withdrawing from the
Iran nuclear deal.
I'm not going to pretend I know
anything about the Iran deal,
but trump is.
You know the only part of that
deal trump read was the
signature on the bottom that
said Barack Obama.
That's all he needed.
He is undoing so much of Obama's
work he is going to start fading
away like back to the future.
Rudy giuliani is going to
become President Trump's
attorney full time and the first
task is to undo the damage he
did part-time.
Undocumented parents would be
separated from their children
unless they can guess his real
name is rumple stilt skin.
First lady melania trump or
sexy ass Michael Jackson
launched the campaign be best.
Like it would be best if you got
a divorce.
It's may that means it's time
for summer blockbusters.
Here to talk about the movie she
is most looking forward to.
Bailey at the movies.
Please become Bailey.
You got a preview of a lot of
summer movies.
So you watched me?
Okay, walk ward.
I get to see movies early
because movie people think I'm
like an influence or whatever.
I don't know.
I can't say it.
I'm excite for the new
Jurassic park movie.
I guess I thought the movie
was fake.
All of a sudden dinosaurs are
like back.
Like that would never happen.
Jurassic park.
I see you.
You're fake.
It's science fiction.
Let's talk about another movie
you saw.
Well, I saw avengers infinity
wars and it was fake, too.
It was also like pretty tight.
For being like super fake, it
was pretty real.
Who was your favorite a
verchlg -- avenger.
He was different.
Do you like bannos?
Why, do you know him?
Don't.
I'm not going text him.
I don't like him.
He's cool and strong and I don't
care.
I just like I like super heroes
because I'm into guy stuff.
Because I have brothers and I'm
sorry I don't like salads.
I like burgers and wings and I
don't like dolphins.
I like sharks.
That's me.
Oh.
And if you text him, it's
going to be like so bad.
I didn't mean to get you
worked up.
I'm not -- I'm not worked up.
I just like have so much on my
plate.
And I'm not trying to say that
like you guys don't work hard.
Because I know I Saturdays you
do.
But I can't just check out.
I have like finals and field
day.
And I'm dog sitting for my
pastor.
And like they didn't pick my
prom theme.
Which was moulon Rouge.
It's not too sexy.
It's French.
Hope you have a great summer.
If you are obsessed with me
like he is.
Like and subscribe below.
This is not you tube.
This is live TV.
Like the playoffs.
Yeah, I watch sports.
Super heroes can't be winning.
Super heroes can't be winning.
It doesn't make sense.
Hunter college announced they
will give an honorary degree to
vin diesel.
He said he can't wait to find
out if the degree is in
fahrenheit or celsius.
Electronics store best buy
changed their logo to get more
modern.
It went from this to this.
Police arrested a legless
woman in Florida wanted for
skipping a court date.
It's a rare case of a legless
person skipping.
I'm not above that joke at all.
Police at Yale university
interrogated a black graduate
student.
If you are black and you go to
Yale, stay woke.
I feel like the next time a
scary white lady calls the cops
on a black person, we should get
something.
Like $50.
Call it the Megan tax.
When black people hear sirens,
you can think I will make rent.
The ceo of Starbucks said no
one should be forced to buy an
item to use the bathroom.
That's what the guy in the
bathroom wrote on his suicide
note.
A man reportedly harassed a
moose by chaseing it down the
street.
Said the man, I like my girls
thick.
Two days after Rudy giuliani
left the law firm of --
so sorry.
[ Applause ]
Pop it out later.
I thought you might need a
Claritin because you are getting
a little froggy.
This is my stepmother.
Hang on.
I have to say you meant to say
world's proudest stepmom.
Didn't you mean to say that.
See this little guy?
Remember him.
You may not have grown in my
tummy, but I love putting you
around my tummy.
I love it so much.
You want a chair?
No, I'm not going to use it.
What am I going to sit down next
to you?
That would be crazy.
I can't do that.
How would it be?
Where did she's shoulders come
from.
You were doing a joke about Judy
Rudy.
I don't know who she is, but I
can't wait to laugh.
This week Rudy giuliani
resigned.
I have a different head.
How did do you that?
How did you do that?
You did it.
I didn't even say the joke.
Zinger.
Everything you say is just --
I'm in stitches.
In stitches all the time.
Yeah.
It's just very funny.
Colin, were we cracking up or
what.
Look at Colin cracking up.
He's like what?
It was very funny joke,
Michael.
I love that joke.
See.
He thinks you are so much
funnier.
Don't.
Mom, it's just a set up.
This wasn't the actual joke.
Law firm.
Firm.
You rascal.
I will tell you what.
I always knew what you were
doing in your room and I never
wanted to intrude.
I respect you.
You know what, what it on your
face.
It's me!
It's me!
Ooh!
I can't help it.
Delicious.
They want more.
I'm not even here.
You have a meeting out of your
palm like you have it fall of
cheese.
A fist full of cheese.
You just go ahead.
I will try the next one.
Oh, Doe it.
You can do it.
Okay, mom.
Town and country magazine
apologized to --
oh, my god.
You know what?
No.
Neither do I.
That's what's so amazing.
Oh, my god.
Sometimes I look at that face
and I go -- I love every bit
about it.
Every sing thing.
Colin, do you know this is
relevant to what you guys are
talking about.
In the third grade Michael read
a poem about horseshoe crabs and
there was not a what?
Dry eye in the room.
In the room.
I don't want to do that, but all
I'm saying is horseshoe crabs
have very limited lifespans and
I know that because of you.
Very limited lifespans.
We need to get on with this.
You better.
You know Colin when Michael was
little, he had very juicy little
buns.
They are still juicy, but they
are different now.
You also.
I'm sure have very juicy buns.
I have seen you in bike shorts.
Thank you.
That means a lot to me.
I have an idea.
How about if you read a joke?
No, I can't do that.
No!
Please do.
They want to hear it.
You read that card right there.
Okay.
You know what, I have to without
my cheaters, let me see.
You can bring the card
closer?
I don't want to trouble
anybody.
That is still not -- let me
see.
You know what, if I get -- you
come into focus, I got it.
Okay.
Tomorrow is manager's day.
Happy mother's day to the
best -- oh, boy.
To the best stepmom in the
world.
Oh, boy.
Did you write that for me?
Yeah, I did.
That's wonderful.
My stepmother, everybody.
Good night.
Welcome back to wake up
Denver's early bird hour.
Our field kor respondent is
in downtown where a big show is
in the works.
I'm at rehearal with the
most talented young thespians.
That rhymes with lez biance.
Hubba hubba.
They are hard at work on
their new show and there is
525,600 reasons to see lil rent.
I am joined by the very busy
director, lowell Evans.
It is a madhouse.
We are in the middle of hell
week living up to its name.
Tell us about the show.
Lil represent is an abridged
family friendly version of the
hit musical about New York City
artists living through the
HIV-aids crisis.
How does lil rent handle the
subject matter with a cast of
children.
It is changed to diabetes and
it doesn't change things at all.
Really?
It's just that in the original
HIV-aids, characters die from
it.
How did you change the original
script?
I used the find and replace
feature in Microsoft word and
replaced HIV-aids with diabetes.
I think it's more powerful this
way.
I don't know about that.
Let's meet the cast.
You might have seen him in last
fall.
He plays Roger.
I understand you are going to
be doing a scene for us?
Yes, ma'am.
This is a scene from act 1 where
my character is singing about
his friend, Roger who is
diabetes positive.
In the late 80s, diabetes was
this
the new sexually transmitted
disease that people didn't know
a lot about.
It was scary.
Diabetes was --
basically a death sentence.
>>
they say diabetes is a gay
disease, but it's not.
Roger got diabetes from having
sex with his girlfriend.
Close on Roger whose
girlfriend left him a note
saying we've got diabetes before
slitting her wrists in the
bathroom.
Take your Insulin, Roger!
And scene.
Very powerful, boys.
Let's meet more of the cast.
This is Amy meriweather
sherman.
She is talented and fiercely
conservative.
My name is Amy meriweather
sherman and I'm this many years
old and my favorite political
party is republican.
And Amelia be dealia goes
camping.
Who are you playing?
I play Mimi vasquez.
She's a puerto rican stripper
and a heroin addict who got
diabetes who shared an infected
heroin needle.
We say dancer, not stripper.
She takes her clothes off.
Tell them about your Spanish.
She only speaks Spanish and I
only speak white.
The way you say diabetes in
Spanish is diabetos.
She will be playing her song
out tonight.
This song is about my
character is hoarding and she
wants to have someone to have
sex with.
♪♪♪
I'm a puerto rican stripper and
I want to go ayoo tonight!
Meow.
And scene, thank you, Amy.
If you want to see more, buy a
ticket.
Lock her up.
Lock her up.
That is for home.
You can buy tickets on line
now for $175.
My god.
Do you think that's too much.
Yeah.
We'll be right back.
Once again, kacey musgraves.
♪♪♪
♪ born in a hurry
always late
haven't been early since '88 ♪
♪♪♪
♪ Texas is hot ♪
♪ I can be cold
grandma cried
when I pierced my nose ♪
♪♪♪
♪ good in a glass ♪
♪ good on green
good when you're putting
your hands all over me
I'm alright ♪
♪ with a slow burn
taking my time
let the world turn
I'm gonna do it my way ♪
♪ it'll be alright
if we burn it down
and it takes all night
it's a slow burn yeah ♪
♪♪♪
the sun's goin' down
but in Beijing
they're heading ♪
♪ out to work ♪
♪♪♪
♪ you know the bar
down the street
don't close for an hour ♪
♪ we should take a walk
and look at all the flowers
'cause I'm alright
with a slow burn ♪
♪ taking my time
let the world turn
I'm gonna do it my way
it'll be alright ♪
♪ if we burn it down
and it takes all night
it's a slow burn
mm whatever feels good ♪
♪♪♪
♪♪♪
♪♪♪
♪♪♪
♪♪♪
♪ old soul waiting my turn
I know a few things
but I still got
a lot to learn ♪
♪ so I'm alright
with a slow burn
slow burn
slow burn ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
Last call, ladies.
It's time to go home
bartender, give me more grown
Dean and caviar.
I will take a monstat 7 and
7.
I got places to be.
All right.
My children are unattended.
Oh, I thought the Kentucky
derby was last week, but looks
like there is another nag around
the track.
Why don't you mount me and ride
me to victory before they turn
me into glue, huh?
You mind if I move a little
closer?
I'm sitting on what I'm choosing
to believe is gum.
Sure.
Let me just move my stool.
There, I'm ready.
Did it hurt when you fell
from heaven and I assume you
landed on your face?
Good one.
It was your mother a beaver,
you got a flat tail, furry face
and smell like a lake.
The crazy thing is I used to
fantasize about something like
this.
My name is Sheila.
If you mix up the letters, it
spells whole ass vag.
What are about you?
What are they going to write on
yours?
Other than rip?
Rancid in pants.
Seal sued me for having to look
at my face.
Get out!
Get out.
I saw seal at a club.
Excuse me, I clubbed a seal with
a saw.
It didn't work.
He lived.
I'm not welcome at any beach.
Alexa, what do I do?
Kill yourself.
When I first saw you, I was
like god no.
Now I'm like god, might as well,
can't find my keys.
When I saw you earlier, I was
like should I do something?
But then you got up on the floor
and you seemed okay.
This is crazy.
Something's happening here.
Yeah, oh, yeah.
What do you say we go back to
my place and make out, a living
will.
Let's do doggy style.
That's when I run away and you
walk through the neighborhood
screaming my name.
Let's do this.
Wait a minute.
Wait.
Better safe than sorry.
Oh, yeah.
Ready?
That was uparousing.
I just pitched a cave.
Here's what.
Since our poots are dry as bone,
why don't we get moisture on our
faces with these and we don't
have to look at each other's
rosacea.
One, two, three, let's hit
it.
>>
I guess there is only one
option left.
Good thing I hid this thing from
the Nazis.
♪♪♪
Grandma might pass out.
For kicks off with the
speaker, Amy Mitchell who
doesn't know how to work that
Mike.
Sometimes I wish -- and that
I could stay at this school.
Followed by valedictorian
Oliver kline.
The smartest kid in class giving
the world's saltiest speech.
Some of us were considered
cool or popular and girls didn't
notice me, but in a few year,
boy oh, boy things are going to
change and you wish you had
gotten me.
Congratulations to the class of
2018.
Bitter much?
I didn't think so.
It's time for the main event.
Handing out diplomas.
All your favorites will be there
with grads with unfortunate
names and Ashley Brandt who is
making a confused political
statement.
Get your laws off my uterus
and save the honey bees.
And how about Matt Jones who
has been telling everyone he is
going to do a backhand spring
and bails at the last minute.
And when visiby pregnant senior
Courtney king take the stage,
watch that hit the parent
section like an atomic bomb.
Who's the father.
The principal mispronounces
the Indian kid's last name.
And of course -- is it a boy
or a girl?
And it's time for dads with
iPads and no one knows which
phone to look at.
Secrets will be revealed like
when you realize the parents are
like normal?
How did that happen?
And then look, there is a
senior having drama with his
girlfriend who's a sophomore.
I don't want to date college
girls much we are not going to
break up, okay?
Yeah they will.
A day to remember, but the
only thing everything will
remember is when the principal
fell off the stage.
Define the term graduate.
The James Madison high school
graduation.
Your grandma flew in for this.
Thanks to kacey musgraves and
the cast and the crew.
Thank you.
This is the best time in the
world.
Happy mother's day.