Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 42, Episode 17 - Louis C.K./The Chainsmokers - full transcript
Guest host Louis C. K., musical guest The Chainsmokers.
DO WE HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
HE WAS ON HIS WAY TO WASHINGTON,
BUT HE DECIDED TO BE WITH THE
PEOPLE WHO BROUGHT HIM THERE.
PLEASE WELCOME THE PRESIDENT OF
THE UNITED STATES, DONALD TRUMP.
>> THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
WE ALL LOVE TRUMP, DON'T WE.
WE DO.
I HAD AN AMAZING WEEK, FOLKS.
CHINA, E JUPT AND JORDAN.
GORSUCH WAS CONFIRMED AND THE
MEDIA IS SAYING NICE THINGS AND
NO ONE IS TALKING ABOUT RUSSIA.
WHAT A DIFFERENCE 59 TOMAHAWK
MISSILES CAN MAKE.
I WANT TO SPEND 20 MINUTES TODAY
WITH MY PEOPLE.
FOLK WHO IS DON'T WHISPER OH,
GOD, WHAT'S HAPPENING AFTER I
LEAVE THE ROOM.
I KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR YOU.
THINGS HAVE CHANGED SO MUCH
SINCE I WAS GROWING UP.
A LOT OF PVERTY IS WHITE NOW.
ISN'T THAT CRAZY.
YOU LIKE THAT I BOMBED SYRIA?
>> I SURE DO, SIR, BUT I WANTED
TO TALK ABOUT MY JOB.
I RECENTLY GOT LAID OFF FROM A
COAL MINING PLANT.
>> GOD, I LOVE COAL.
YOU GUYS HAVE SUFFERED TERRIBLY.
WORSE THAN ANYONE.
I AM GOING TO DO EVERYTHING I
CAN TO MAKE SURE YOU PEOPLE WORK
IN COAL FOR THE REST OF YOUR
LIVES.
AND YOUR KIDS WILL WORK IN COAL
AND YOUR GRANDKIDS.
IT'S GOING TO BE INCREDIBLE.
>> MR. PRESIDENT, THANK YOU SO
MUCH, BUT ALL WE WANT ARE GOOD
JOBS.
THEY DON'T HAVE TO BE IN COAL.
>> SORRY, IT'S ALL COAL.
IN TRUMP'S AMERICA, MEN WORK IN
TWO PLACES.
COAL MINES AND GOLDMAN SACHS.
CAREFUL, I'M CUTTING ALL JOB
KILLING REGULATIONS.
I'M PROUD TO ANNOUNCE THAT AS OF
TODAY, YOUR COAL MINES WILL HAVE
NO REGULATIONS.
NONE.
IT'S A FREE-FOR-ALL.
HOW ABOUT YOU.
ARE YOU GLAD THAT I BOMBED
SYRIA.
>> I GUESS SO.
I FOUND OUT MY PREMIUMS HAVE
GONE UP AND I HAVE TO DRIVE 90
MINUTES TO SEE A DOCTOR.
I KNOW YOU TRIED YOUR BEST TO
FIX IT BUT YOU COULDN'T.
>> PAUL RYAN DID, BUT I DID.
I POSED FOR PICTURES AND WENT
HONK, HONK!
I WON'T GIVE UP.
I AM TALKING WITH THE FREEDOM
CAUCUS AND WE ARE GOING TO GET
RID OF IT?
>> MY HEALTH CARE?
ALL OF IT?
>> ALL OF IT.
GONE.
AFTER WE ARE DONE.
YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO DRIVE TO
SEE A DOCTOR AGAIN.
HOW DOES THAT SOUND?
>> I TRUST YOUR JUDGMENT, SIR.
THERE MUST BE SOME REASON YOU
ARE A BILLIONAIRE.
>> WE THINK EXACTLY ALIKE.
I SAY QUIETLY TO MYSELF, ALL THE
TIME ACTUALLY.
THERE MUST BE SOME REASON I'M A
BILLIONAIRE.
WHO IS NEXT UP?
>> I WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY WIFE
WHO IS ADDICTED TO PAIN KILLERS.
>> SUSAN RICE.
PUT HER IN JAIL, RIGHT?
>>.
>> I WORK IN UNIONS, BUT MY WIFE
WON'T MOVE BECAUSE SHE IS IN A
REHAB PROGRAM AN HOUR AWAY.
>> MY WIFE DOESN'T WANT TO MOVE
EITHER.
200 MILES AWAY AND COSTING THE
FEDERAL GOVERNMENT MILLIONS OF
DOLLARS, BUT SHE LOVES HER OWN
BED.
CRAZY.
>> LIKE I WAS SAYING, MY WIFE
STAYS BECAUSE OF THE FEDERAL
REHAB PROGRAM.
>> DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT.
WE WILL GET RID OF IT.
>> YOU ARE GETTING RID OF IT?
>> JUNKING IT.
JUNKED.
NOW SHE CAN LIVE WHEREVER SHE
WANTS.
DID I MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER NOW?
>> I'M NOT SURE, BUT I VOTED FOR
YOU AND YOU ARE MY PRESIDENT.
>> THAT'S WHY I CAME HERE.
YOU STAND BY ME NOW MATTER WHAT.
YOU FOUND A FINGER IN YOUR CHILI
AND STILL EAT THE CHILI AND YOU
DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH YOU LOVE
CHILI.
IT'S TREMENDOUS.
>> THANK YOU FOR COMING.
I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT MY OWN
CHILD WHO IS IN AN AFTER SCHOOL
PROGRAM.
>> JUNKED.
>> OKAY.
GREAT.
I WORK TWO JOBS FOR MINIMUM
WAGE.
>> MINIMUM WAGE, GONE.
GONE.
>> OKAY.
PERFECT.
IT'S JUST WE CAN'T AFFORD A NEW
HOUSE BECAUSE MY MORGAN IS UNDER
WATER.
>> WE ARE GETTING RIGHT OF THAT?
>> MY MORTGAGE?
>> YOUR HOUSE.
>> WE CAN'T DRINK THE WATER
BECAUSE THERE IS LEAD IN IT.
>> WE WILL KEEP THAT.
WE STILL LOVE TRUMP?
>> YOU ARE MY PRESIDENT.
>> YOU ARE BLOWING MY MIND.
KEEP EATING THAT FINGER CHILI.
REMEMBER I'M ONE OF YOU AND LIVE
FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY
NIGHT!
>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE" WITH --
VANESSA BAYER,
BECK BENNETT,
AIDY BRYANT,
MICHAEL CHE,
PETE DAVIDSON,
LESLIE JONES,
COLIN JOST,
KATE McKINNON,
KYLE MOONEY,
BOBBY MOYNIHAN,
CECILY STRONG,
KENAN THOMPSON,
SASHEER ZAMATA.
FEATURING --
MIKEY DAY,
ALEX MOFFAT,
MELISSA VILLASENOR,
MUSICAL GUEST --
THE CHAINSMOKERS AND YOUR
HOST --
LOUIS C.K.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪♪
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LOUIS C.K.
♪♪♪
>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH, YES,
THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S APPROPRIATE.
HERE'S A JOKE.
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE
ROAD?
BECAUSE THERE IS A BLACK GUY
WALKING BEHIND HIM.
AND HE WAS NERVOUS.
HE WAS NEW TO THE CITY, THIS
CHICKEN, AND HE WAS LIKE "I FEEL
LIKE HE IS FOLLOWING ME."
BUT THEN HE THOUGHT IF I CROSS
THE ROAD, THEN IF HE CROSSES THE
ROAD, HE DEFINITELY FOLOWING ME.
SO HE CROSSES THE ROAD.
THE BLACK GUY WENT HOME, HE'S
JUST LIVING HIS LIFE.
AND THE CHICKEN IS LIKE "I'M
SUCH A RACIST."
HE FELT BAD.
ABOUT A MONTH LATER A BLACK GUY
ATE THE CHICKEN.
DIFFERENT BLACK GUY.
I'M JUST TELLING YOU WHAT
HAPPENED.
BY THE WAY, THIS JOKE IS NOT
RACIST.
DON'T BE AFRAID.
THIS IS NOT A RACIST JOKE.
THE CHICKEN WAS RACIST.
THE CHICKEN WAS DEFINITELY --
BUT THAT'S CHICKENS.
CHICKENS ARE VERY, SORT OF,
CLOSED DOWN, SORT OF SUSPICIOUS,
PREJUDICE PEOPLE.
YOU KIND OF CAN'T BLAME THEM
CONSIDERING THAT THEIR SPECIES
MURDER RATE IS 100%.
THAT'S WHY CHICKENS ARE LIKE --
NO FRIENDLY CHICKENS.
YOU CAN FEED THE SAME CHICKEN
EVERY DAY.
I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT, YOU BLACK
SON OF A BITCH, I'M NOT COMING
OVER THERE.
I'M NOT IN YOUR SOUP YET, YOU
JEW.
I LIKE ANIMALS.
I LIKE WONDERING ABOUT ANIMALS.
I LIKE WONDERING WHAT THEY ARE
THINKING.
YOU CAN ASK ABOUT ANY ANIMAL AND
THE CONVERSATION IS OVER.
I WONDER IF ANIMALS ARE AWARE OF
THEIR LIVES.
LIKE, IS A GIRAFFE UP THERE
GOING, "WHOA!"
IT'S TOO HIGH!
HEY, HORSE.
HORSE!
>> WHAT, MAN?
>> LOOK AT MY NECK!
THAT'S WHY HORSES MAKE THAT
NOSE.
YOU ARE NEAR A HORSE AND HE DOES
THAT, THAT'S BECAUSE YOU SUCK.
DOES A MOOSE LOOK DIFFERENT WHEN
IT'S SURPRISED?
DID YOU SEE A MOOSE?
THEY HAVE THIS -- I SAW A MOOSE
ONCE IN PERSON.
OR IN MOOSE.
MAYBE I WAS PROJECTING BECAUSE I
WAS LIKE OH, MY GOSH, A MOOSE
AND HE WAS GOING OH, MY GOD, I'M
A MOOSE!
EVERY MOOSE LOOKS LIKE A DUDE
WHO GOT TURNED INTO A MOOSE
BEFORE YOU LOOKED AT HIM.
I WAS THINKING OF BUYING A GOAT.
BECAUSE I WANT TO HAVE A TRASH
CAN THAT I CAN MAKE LOVE TO.
THAT'S WHY I'M GOING TO BUY A
GOAT.
I CAN DO THAT WITH A TRASH CAN I
HAVE NOW, BUT I DON'T HAVE A
VAGINA.
THAT MAKES IT BETTER.
I DON'T CARE THAT YOU ARE UPSET.
I'M STILL GETTING THE GOAT.
I LOVE DOING THIS.
STAND-UP COMEDY.
I HAVE BEEN DOING IT FOR
32 YEARS NOW.
IT'S BEEN GOING GREAT FOR FOUR
YEARS, 28 YEARS IT WAS A
STRUGGLE.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, I WAS HAPPY
WHEN I WAS STRUGGLING.
I WAS.
BECAUSE WHEN YOUR LIFE SUCKS, IT
JUST SUCKS AND YOU LIVE IT.
WHEN IT GETS BETTER, YOU START
GETTING UNHAPPY.
THEN YOU'RE UPSET.
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS.
LIKE, NOW I STAY IN BEAUTIFUL
FIVE-STAR HOTELS AND I'M
MISERABLE.
I USED TO STAY IN MOTELS.
NOT EVEN LIKE A NICE -- LIKE A
MOTEL 6.
THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN GREAT.
LIKE A NOT EVEN A NAME.
JUST MOTEL.
LIKE THEY BUILT IT AND ONE GUY
IS LIKE "WHAT SHOULD WE NAME
IT?"
THE OTHER GUY IS LIKE, "WHAT?"
LAST TIME YOU TOOK A DUMP, DID
YOU NAME IT?
YOU KNOW THE MOTELS ON THE
HIGHWAY AND YOU SAY, WHO IS
INSIDE OF THAT?
RIGHT ON THE HIGHWAY.
LIKE, THE DOOR OPENS ONTO THE
HIGHWAY AND ATRUCK TAKES THE
DOOR --.
AND WHEN YOU GET IN THE SHOWER,
YOU ARE DIRTIER NOW.
THEY GIVE YOU SOAP AND YOU HAVE
TO PEEL OUST PAPER AND IT MAKES
A RASH.
YOU CAN WRITE YOUR NAME IN SKIN
DISEASE WITH THE SOAP.
AND THERE'S ALWAYS TWO BEDS AND
ONE BED HAS A BIG POOL OF SPERM
RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF IT.
JUST A BIG DEEP POOL WITH A
CURRENT.
HIGH TIDE AT THE SPERM POOL!
WHERE'S THE BOAT?
I STAYED IN, LIKE, IN MOTELS
LIKE THAT FOR YEARS AND I WAS
HAPPY.
BECAUSE WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO
DO?
COMPLAIN TO THE MOTEL?
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO CALL THE
FRONT DESK?
"I WANT TO SPEAK TO THE
MANAGER."
"WELL, HE'S DEAD.
SOMEBODY DUCT TAPED HIM TO A
CHAIR AND SHOT HIM IN THE HEAD
BECAUSE HE OWED HIM $15."
NOW I STAY AT BEAUTIFUL HOTELS
AND I'M MISERABLE BECAUSE I
DON'T LIKE THE FANCY HOTEL
STUFF.
THEY TIE YOUR BATHROBE INTO A
SWAN AND I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN
YOU CALL ROOM SERVICE THEY SAY A
LONG FLOWERY HELLO BEFORE YOU
TALK ABOUT FOOT.
YOU CALL DOWN TO ROOM SERVICE,
THEY'RE LIKE, "HELLO, THIS ROOM
SERVICE --"
[ UNINTELIGIBLE ]
I HATE IT.
STOP IT!
I NEVER LET THEM FINISH.
IT'S LIKE, "HELLO, ROOM
SERVICE --"
STOP, STOP, STOP!
THANKS, I'D LIKE SOME COFFEE!
I'M MEAN.
YOU STAY IN THE HOTELS AND YOU
ARE USED TO IT AND ONE TIME MY
LAUNDRY WASN'T THERE.
SO I CALLED HOUSEKEEPING.
NOW THEY DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE
ALL FANCY AT HOUSEKEEPING.
THIS IS HOW SHE ANSWERS THE
PHONE, SHE GOES, "HELLO?"
AND I ACTUALLY SAID THIS TO HER,
I SAID, "DO YOU WANT TO TRY THAT
AGAIN?"
YEAH.
I'M TELLING YOU THINGS ABOUT ME.
I WAS LIKE, "DID I REACH YOU ON
YOUR PERSONAL PHONE TODAY?"
SO SHE SAID --
SHE GOES, "WHAT DO YOU NEED,
SIR?"
AND I SAID, "WELL, I GAVE YOU MY
LAUNDRY YESTERDAY."
SHE SAID "YOU DIDN'T GIVE IT TO
ME."
I WAS LIKE, OH, MY GOD, I'M SO
EXCITED ABOUT HOW MAD I GET TO
BE NOW.
I SAID, "I GAVE MY LAUNDRY TO
YOUR DEPARTMENT AND I WAS
PROMISED.
LIKE IT'S IN THE CONSTITUTION
THAT YOU GET YOUR LAUNDRY.
IT'S BEEN LONGER THAN 24 HOURS.
SHE SAID, "WHAT DO YOU WANT ME
TO DO ABOUT IT?"
SO I SAID, "OKAY, LISTEN, FIRST
OF ALL, YOU CAN HEAR IN MY VOICE
THAT I'M WHITE."
AND BY THE WAY, I'LL DEFEND THAT
RIGHT NOW.
I'LL DEFEND THAT.
BECAUSE LOOK, IT'S WRONG THAT
WHITE PEOPLE GET PREFERENTIAL
TREATMENT.
IT'S WRONG.
BUT AS LONG AS THEY DO, WHAT'S
GOING ON AT THIS HOTEL?
I'M SUPPOSED TO GET THE BEST
BECAUSE I'M WHITE WHICH IS
AWFUL AND LONG, BUT WHERE IS IT
RIGHT NOW?
SO SHE GETS SICK OF ME.
SHE SAYS, "DO YOU WANT TO SPEAK
TO A MANAGER?"
I SAID YES.
SO THE MANAGER COMES ON, "HELLO?
IT'S NED --"
[ UNINTELIGIBLE ]
I SAID, "I AM VERY UPSET!"
SHE WAS LIKE, "OH, I'M SO SORRY,
WHITE SIR.
WHAT HAPPENED TODAY?"
I SAID, "I DON'T HAVE MY
LAUNDRY."
HE SAID, "AAH!"
HE SAID, "I'M GOING TO CONDUCT
AN INVESTIGATION."
I WAS LIKE, "YES, THAT'S A VERY
WHITE THING.
I WANT A WHITE INVESTIGATION
INTO MY LAUNDRY."
SO HE SAID "I WILL CALL YOU BACK
IN FIVE MINUTES OR LESS."
SO I'M WAITING IN MY ROOM
LIKE --
SO HE CALLS ME BACK LATER, HE
SAYS, "SIR, I LOOKED INTO THE
MATTER AND I HAVE ONE QUESTION.
ARE YOU CERTAIN YOU GAVE US
LAUNDRY?"
AS SOON AS HE SAID THAT I WAS
LIKE, "I DID NOT GIVE YOU --
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT.
THE CHAINSMOKERS ARE HERE.
SO STICK AROUND AND WE'LL BE
RIGHT BACK.
♪♪♪
>> SO THERE YOU HAVE IT.
I WAS FIVE MILES AWAY FROM THAT
BAR PLAYING POKER WITH HIS
FRIEND, MR. BIRD, THE NIGHT OF
THE MURDER.
YEAH.
THAT'S IT.
I REST MY CASE.
>> ALL RIGHT, JURORS.
YOU'VE HEARD OPENING STATEMENTS
FROM BOTH THE DEFENSE AND THE
PROSECUTION.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
MR. DOUGLAS, YOU MAY NOW CALL
YOUR FIRST WITNESS.
>> THE PROSECUTION CALLS
GREGORY SHARPE TO THE STAND.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> HOLD ON.
EXCUSE ME, MR. DOUGLAS.
HAS ANYONE EVER TOLD YOU THAT --
WELL, FRANKLY, YOU HAVE THE MOST
BEAUTIFUL EYELASHES?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THANK YOU, YOUR HONOR.
>> I MEAN, THIS CAN'T BE THE
FIRST TIME YOU'RE HEARING THIS,
RIGHT?
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> IT'S NOT, YOUR HONOR.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHAT A PICKLE TO BE YOU, HUH?
[ LAUGHTER ]
WALKING AROUND TOWN, BRINGING
SPRING WHEREVER YOU GO.
>> YOUR HONOR, CAN WE CALL THE
WITNESS, PLEASE?
>> OF COURSE.
BAILIFF.
>> DO YOU SWEAR TO TELL THE
TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH, AND --
NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH.
WOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
UM, I'M SORRY.
IT'S JUST, UM, I'M LOSING MY
TRAIN OF THOUGHT.
>> MR. SHARP, WHERE WERE YOU ON
THE NIGHT OF THE 7TH?
>> LIKE I TOLD THE COPS, IT WAS
POKER NIGHT, AND I WAS PLAYING
POKER WITH MY BUDDIES.
>> INCLUDING MR. BIRD?
>> YEAH, HE WAS THERE.
>> SO YOU ARE GOING TO LOOK ME
IN THE EYE, THESE EYES AND TELL
YOU HE WAS WITH YOU THAT NIGHT?
ALL NIGHT?
>> I, UM, WELL --
>> ALL NIGHT?
>> IT WAS POKER.
>> MR. SHARP, WAS IT THEN?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> UM, WELL, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME
TO SAY?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I WANT YOU TO LOOK AT ME --
>> COME ON, MAN.
>> AND TELL ME THE TRUTH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> HE WASN'T WITH ME.
HE'S WAS ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT
KILLING PEOPLE.
>> COME ON, MAN!
NO FURTHER QUESTIONS.
>> OBJECTION.
WHAT IS THIS WITH THE EYELASHES?
I'M APPALLED BY THE PROSECUTION
HERE.
>> APPALLED OR JEALOUS?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> APPALLED.
THIS IS NOT FAIR.
>> FINE.
THE JURY WILL DO THEIR BEST TO
NOT BE INFLUENCED BY THE
PROSECUTION'S GORGEOUS, INVITING
LASHES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND THEY WILL ALSO DISREGARD THE
FACT THAT THE DEFENSE'S LASHES
ARE CLUMPY AND UNREMARKABLE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> FINE, THANK YOU.
MR. SHARP, WHEN YOU WERE
QUESTIONED BY POLICE, YOU STATED
THAT MR. BIRD JOINED YOU FOR
POKER NIGHT AT YOUR APARTMENT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IN FACT, HE CAME TO YOUR PLACE
EARLY TO HELP YOU GET UP.
YOU EVEN HAD LEFTOVER BEERS YOU
BROUGHT THAT NIGHT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
NOW, I'M SORRY, BUT --
MY GOD!
[ LAUGHTER ]
OKAY, NOW HE IS DIRECTLY
INFLUENCING THE JURY.
>> THAT'S RIDICULOUS, YOUR
HONOR.
PERMISSION TO APPROACH THE
BENCH?
>> WELL, I WOULD LIKE TO VERY,
VERY MUCH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
OH, BOTH OF YOU.
>> I CAN GET YOU DISBARRED FOR
THIS, MANIPULATING A JURY.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
I'VE NEVER SEEN SOMEONE SO
BLATANTLY DISREGARD --
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO BLATANTLY DISREGARD PROTOCOL
IN SUCH A --
[ LAUGHTER ]
OH, MY.
UM.
THERE --
[ BREATHES HEAVILY ]
THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT YOU.
MAYBE IT'S YOUR UNORTHODOX
METHOD.
MAYBE IT'S THE WAY YOU CARRY
YOURSELF.
♪♪♪
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
>> YOU CAN'T TRUST THE
GOVERNMENT.
>> THREATS FROM NORTH KOREA.
>> MISTRUST OF GOVERNMENT.
>> WE SO MANY PROBLEMS IN THE
WORLD.
>> IT SEEMS LIKE THERE WAS NO
HOPE THINGS WOULD CHANGE.
THEN ONE MAN SPOKE UP.
>> THIS SONG IS ABOUT HIM.
THANK YOU, SCOTT.
♪♪♪
♪ TURNED ON THE TV
WHAT DID SHE SEE
BLOOD BEING SPILLED
WAR IN THE MIDDLE EAST ♪
♪ RESCUE SHE SEEKS
DID SHE CROSS THE SEA
WITH HUNDREDS OF DROWNING
YEARNING TO BE FREE ♪
♪ SHE COULDN'T SIT BY AND DO
NOTHING
HE HAD TO ACT BEFORE IT WAS
TOO LATE ♪
♪ HE SHARED AN ARTICLE
ON FACEBOOK
AND THEN EVERYTHING CHANGED
THANK YOU, SCOTT ♪
♪ YOU SOLVED A PROBLEM
SCOTT
YOU BROUGHT THE STRUGGLE
TO AN END ♪
♪ SCOTT
BY SHARING THAT ARTICLE
WITH 84 FACEBOOK FRIENDS
THANK YOU SCOTT ♪
♪ BUT THEN SCOTT REALIZED
THAT BLACK PEOPLE'S LIVES
MATTER AS MUCH AS THE LIVES
OF THE WHITES ♪
♪ SOME PEOPLE PROTESTED
AND GOT ARRESTED
HE HAS TO DO MORE TO
END THEIR OPPRESSION ♪
♪ HE KNEW HE HAD TO STAND UP
HE KNEW HE HAD TO MARCH
OVER TO HIS LAPTOP AND
WRITE BLACK LIVES MATTER ♪
♪ IN HIS TWITTER BIO
THANK YOU SCOTT
YOU ENDED RACISM
SCOTT ♪
♪ NOW WE'RE ALL EQUAL
SCOTT
AND COMPARED TO YOU
MLK DIDN'T DO [ BLEEP ] ♪
♪ AT ALL
THANK YOU SCOTT
YOU KNOW WHY I LOVE
THIS DUDE THE MOST ♪
♪ HE TELLS ME HOW TO FEEL
ON TOP OF TOP OF HIS POST
STORY ABOUT GOVERNMENT
RIPPING YOUR RIGHTS ♪
♪ GOT HIM PISSED AND
HE CARES SO HE SHARES
AND ABOVE RIGHT
WOMEN'S MARCH GOT ME LIKE ♪
♪ BIOFUEL GOT ME LIKE
AND WHEN HIS SISTER HAD A
BABY SCOTT LIKED
'CAUSE IT'S A ♪
♪ BIG DEAL
SO RAISE SOME HANDS
EVERY RACE COLOR AND
CREED FOR THE ♪
♪ MAN PULLING UP YOUR FEED
THANK YOU SCOTT
YOU'RE THE HERO
THAT WE WAITED FOR ♪
♪ SCOTT
WE WON'T EVER FORGET
SCOTT
THAT YOU FIGHT FOR ♪
♪ OUR RIGHTS FOR
YOUR PHONE WHILE
YOU'RE ON THE TOILET
SCOTT ♪
♪ DOING THINGS ON
THE INTERNET
SCOTT
THEN YOU POST THEM ♪
♪ ON THE INTERNET
FOR ALL THE LIVES THAT
YOU SAVED AND
THE BATTLES YOU ♪
♪ HAVE FOUGHT
THANK YOU, SCOTT ♪
>> YOU'RE WELCOME.
>> GEE, GANG, THAT MATH TEST WAS
THE BEES KNEES.
I LOVE MATH.
>> OH, CONNIE, YOU'RE SUCH A
NERD.
ISN'T CONNIE A NERD, LOUISE?
LOUISE?
>> SORRY, I WASN'T LISTENING.
I WAS MOPING.
>> LOUISE, ARE YOU STILL UPSET
ABOUT NOT GETTING ASKED TO THE
DANCE.
WE KNOW WHAT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL
BETTER.
HEY SAM, HOW ABOUT A ROOT BEER
FLOAT?
WE GOT SOMEONE DOWN IN THE
DUMPS.
>> WELL, SURE THING GIRLS.
BUT SPEAKING OF ICE CREAM,
WHAT'S THE SCOOP.
WHO IS POUTY PENNY?
>> IT'S ME.
I'M THE ONLY GIRL WHO DIDN'T GET
ASKED TO THE SPRING FLING BEPOP
AND SOCK HOP.
>> WELL, IT SOUNDS TO ME LIKE
THOSE BOYS ARE MAKING A WHOPPER
OF A MISTAKE.
I'M GONNA GIVE YOU AN EXTRA
SCOOP OF VANILLA ON THE HOUSE.
>> THANKS, SAM.
I WISH ALL THE BOYS TO BE MORE
LIKE YOU.
>> SAM IS THE BEST.
>> WELL HECK, IF I WERE
YOUNGER -- 20 YEARS YOUNGER, I
WOULD ASK YOU MYSELF.
I MEAN IT.
AND GEE, I WOULD ASK YOU AT THE
AGE I AM RIGHT NOW.
>> HA HA, SAM.
VERY FUNNY.
>> SAM TELLS THE BEST JOKES.
>> SO WHAT DO YOU SAY?
>> TO WHAT, SAM?
>> THE DANCE.
ARE WE DOING IT OR WHAT?
>> THE SPRING FLING, SAM?
>> THAT'S FOR TEENAGERS, SAM.
>> WELL, THEN WOULDN'T IT WOW
THE CROWD TO SHOW UP WITH AN
OLDER MAN ON YOUR ARM?
>> I WOULD GO WITH SAM IF HE
ASKED ME.
>> WELL I DIDN'T ASK YOU,
STUPID, I ASKED LOUISE.
>> SAM, YOU ARE BEING AWFULLY
NICE, BUT I WANTED TO GO THE
DANCE IN A NORMAL WAY, LIKE WITH
A BOY MY AGE INSTEAD OF AN OLDER
MARRIED MAN.
>> MARRIED?
PLEASE.
THE NEXT TIME I KISS MY WIFE
WILL BE AT HER FUNERAL.
>> NEATO, SAM.
>> HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE
FUN IF WE DID A TEST RUN.
>> OF WHAT?
>> OUR DATE.
>> WE'RE ARE STILL TALKING ABOUT
THAT?
>> WELL, SURE.
LET'S PRETEND THIS BOOTH IS A
CAR.
JUST PRETEND.
YOU SURE ARE COOKIE, SAM.
AND THIS IS FUN.
CAN WE BE A PART OF THE SCENE?
>> NO, IS SHOW SHUT UP.
>> SAM, THIS IS NICE AND ALL.
>> GET DOWN.
BANG, BANG.
I KILLED TWO PEOPLE.
>> '?
WHY DID YOU DO THAT?
>> I DIDN'T LIKE THE WAY THEY
WERE TALKING ABOUT YOU.
THEY WERE SAYING STUFF LIKE
LOUISE THINKS SHE IS BETTER THAN
ALL OF US NOW THAT SHE HAS
FALLEN IN LOVE WITH A MARRIED
MAN AND THEY ARE RUNNING AWAY TO
GET MARRIED WHERE THE RULES ARE
DIFFERENT.
>> OKAY.
THANK YOU, SAM, BUT I WOULD LIKE
IT GET OUT OF THE CAR NOW.
>> YOU CAN'T.
WE ARE IN A TUNNEL E.
>> WHERE IS THERE A TUNNEL ON
THE WAY TO SCHOOL.
>> LOUISE, I HAVE BEEN LOOKING
FOR YOU.
>> WHY, JOHNNY?
>> I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO DO
THIS.
LOUISE MARIE, WILL YOU BE MY
DATE FOR THE SPRING FLING?
>> OH, JOHNNY, OF COURSE I WILL.
>> WHAT DOES THAT MEAN FOR ME?
>> CONNIE!
I MADE DINNER AND YOU ARE HERE
AT THE PERVERT'S PHOTO SHOP.
>> LOUISE MADE US COME HERE
BECAUSE SHE KNOWS SAM IS GOING
TO MAKE INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL
ADVANCES TOWARDS HER.
>> I LIKE KNOWING I COULD GET
SAM IN BIG TROUBLE, BUT HE DOES
IT ANYWAY.
MAKES ME FEEL POWERFUL.
IT SOUNDS SILLY, BUT I WANT TO
BE A DOMINATRIX WHEN I GROW UP
SO IT'S NOT AS HAIR BRAINED AS
IT SOUNDS.
SEE YA, SAM.
>> OH, WELL.
I GUESS IT'S JUST YOU DANCING
ALONE AGAIN TONIGHT, SAM.
I CUT THE HECK OUT OF MY HAND.
>> AND THAT'S A CUT ON
REHEARSAL.
LET'S WILL BE READY TO ROLL IN
FIVE.
>> THANK YOU.
>> HOW IS IT GOING,
MR. DIRECTOR?
>> GOOD, GOOD.
I'M REALLY EXCITED.
>> WELL, YOU SHOULD BE WRITING
AND DIRECTING A COMMERCIAL FOR
PEPSI.
IT DOESN'T GET MUCH BIGGER THAN
THAT.
>> OH, HEY.
THIS IS MY SISTER.
I GOT TO GET THIS REAL QUICK.
>> CARRIE, HEY.
SORRY, I CAN'T SUPER TALK RIGHT
NOW.
I'M ON THE SET OF A HUGE PEPSI
COMMERCIAL I'M DOING.
I KNOW, RIGHT?
THIS IS, LIKE, COMPLETELY MY
IDEA, AND NOW, THEY'RE DOING IT.
THAT'S GREAT, YEAH.
I MEAN, OKAY, SO WELL IT'S AN
HOMAGE TO THE RESISTANCE AND FOR
THE HUGE PROTESTS IN THE STREETS
REMINISCENT OF
BLACK LIVES MATTER.
AND SO, EVERYBODY IS MARCHING,
RIGHT?
AND THEY CAN SEE POLICE
OFFICERS, AND THEY THINK IT'S
GONNA GO BAD BECAUSE THERE'S
KIND OF, LIKE, A STANDOFF.
AND THEN, KENDALL JENNER WALKS
IN, AND SHE WALKS UP TO ONE OF
THE POLICE OFFICERS, AND SHE
HANDS HIM A PEPSI.
AND THEN, THAT PEPSI BRINGS
EVERYBODY TOGETHER.
[ SIGHS ]
ISN'T THAT, LIKE, THE BEST AD
EVER?
♪♪♪
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
UH-HUH.
UH-HUH.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
SORT OF TONE DEAF.
>> ALL RIGHT, GUYS!
THREE MINUTES AWAY!
THREE MINUTES!
>> THANK YOU.
>> I THINK MAYBE YOU JUST DON'T
GET IT.
IS DOUG THERE?
CAN YOU PUT HIM ON?
DOUG!
HEY, MAN!
TAKE A BREATH.
WHAT'S UP?
HEY, I WANT TO RUN THIS PEPSI
COMMERCIAL BY YOU THAT I'M DOING
AND MAKE SURE YOU ARE LOVING IT
AS MUCH AS I AM.
UM, COOL, COOL.
THE WHOLE THING IS AN HOMAGE TO
RESISTANCE AND
BLACK LIVES MATTER.
SO, EVERYBODY IS MARCHING IN THE
STREETS, AND THEY COME UP TO THE
POLICE OFFICERS -- YEAH, SILLY
COMMERCIAL.
AND THEN, KENDALL JENNER COMES
UP TO A POLICE OFFICER AND GIVES
HIM A PEPSI, AND EVERYBODY
CELEBRATES.
PEOPLE OF EVERY SINGLE CULTURE
COME TOGE -- UH-HUH.
UH-HUH.
UH-HUH.
NO, WE'RE CELEBRATING THESE
CULTURES.
WE'RE CELEBRATING BLACK CULTURE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT WE'RE ARE ALSO CELEBRATING
ASIAN CULTURE.
OH.
DO YOU WANT ME PLAYING THE
CELLO?
MM, MM, MM.
OH.
GOT IT.
JUST KIND OF USING THEM?
>> YEAH.
>> IT'S ALL SODA?
[ WHISPERING ]
GREAT.
IT'S GONNA BE BAD.
>> ALL RIGHT, PEOPLE!
60 SECONDS UNTIL WE ROLL ON THIS
MAN, SINGULAR VISION!
>> AH, YES!
>> HEY, MAN, COULD YOU PUT A
NEIGHBOR ON THE PHONE, A BLACK
ONE?
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
HI, MA'AM.
HEY, WE'RE SHOOTING A LITTLE
PEPSI COMMERCIAL OVER HERE.
I WANT TO RUN IT BY YOU, AND GET
YOUR OPINION ON IT.
OKAY, GREAT.
SO, THE WHOLE THING IS AN HOMAGE
ON BLACK LIVES MATTER.
UH-HUH.
UH-HUH.
DON'T EVEN TOUCH IT?
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
IT WOULD BE INSANE TO TOUCH IT,
RIGHT?
OKAY.
DON'T EVEN SHOW POLICE?
[ SIGHS ]
YEAH.
WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WERE IN
MY SITUATION?
JUST RUN TO MY CAR?
OKAY.
>> ALL RIGHT.
WE HAVE GOT TO GO, PEOPLE!
>> HEY, KENNY.
DO WE HAVE TIME FOR A REWRITE?
>> HEY, NO CAN DO, BUD.
LET'S INVITE KENDALL TO SET.
SHE HAS HER HEART OUT IN
45 SECONDS.
>> NO, NO!
>> OKAY, WELL I'LL CALL YOU.
I AM ON THE SET OF MY PEPSI
COMMERCIAL.
UM, I STOP THE POLICE FROM
SHOOTING BLACK PEOPLE BY GIVING
THEM A PEPSI.
I KNOW!
IT'S CUTE, RIGHT?
>> UGH!
♪♪♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE
CHAIN SMOKERS.
♪♪♪
♪♪♪
♪ WE WERE STAYING IN PARIS
TO GET AWAY FROM YOUR PARENTS
AND I THOUGHT, WOW, IF ♪
♪ I COULD TAKE THIS IN A
SHOT RIGHT NOW
I DON'T THINK THAT WE
COULD WORK THIS OUT ♪
♪ OUT ON THE TERRACE
I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S FAIR
BUT I THOUGHT, HOW COULD ♪
♪ I LET YOU FALL BY YOURSELF
WHILE I'M WASTED
WITH SOMEONE ELSE ♪
♪ IF WE GO DOWN THEN
WE GO DOWN TOGETHER
THEY'LL SAY YOU
COULD DO ANYTHING THEY'LL ♪
♪ SAY THAT I WAS CLEVER
IF WE GO DOWN THEN
WE GO DOWN TOGETHER
WE'LL GET AWAY WITH ♪
♪ EVERYTHING LET'S SHOW
THEM WE ARE BETTER
SHOW THEM WE ARE ♪
♪ SHOW THEM WE ARE
SHOW THEM WE ARE
SHOW THEM WE ARE
LET'S SHOW THEM ♪
♪ WE ARE BETTER WE WERE STAYING
IN PARIS TO GET AWAY FROM YOUR
PARENTS
YOU LOOK SO PROUD STANDING ♪
♪ THERE WITH A FROWN
AND A CIGARETTE
POSTING PICTURES OF
YOURSELF ON THE INTERNET ♪
♪ OUT ON THE TERRACE
WE BREATHE IN THE AIR
OF THIS SMALL TOWN ♪
♪ ON OUR OWN CUTTIN CLASS
FOR THE THRILL OF IT
GETTING DRUNK ON THE
PAST WE WERE LIVIN IN ♪
♪ IF WE GO DOWN THEN WE
GO DOWN TOGETHER
THEY'LL SAY YOU
COULD DO ANYTHING ♪
♪ THEY'LL SAY THAT
I WAS CLEVER
IF WE GO DOWN THEN
WE GO DOWN TOGETHER ♪
♪ WE'LL GET AWAY
WITH EVERYTHING
LET'S SHOW THEM
WE ARE BETTER ♪
♪♪♪
♪ LET'S SHOW THEM WE ARE BETTER
SHOW THEM WE ARE
SHOW THEM WE ARE ♪
SHOW THEM WE ARE
♪ SHOW THEM WE ARE
LET'S SHOW THEM
WE ARE BETTER ♪
♪♪♪
♪ IF WE GO DOWN THEN
WE GO DOWN TOGETHER
THEY'LL SAY YOU
COULD DO ANYTHING ♪
♪ THEY'LL SAY THAT
I WAS CLEVER
IF WE GO DOWN THEN
WE GO DOWN TOGETHER ♪
♪ WE'LL GET AWAY WITH
EVERYTHING
LET'S SHOW THEM
WE ARE BETTER ♪
♪ IF WE GO DOWN
LET'S SHOW THEM
WE ARE BETTER
IF WE GO DOWN ♪
♪ LET'S SHOW THEM
WE ARE BETTER ♪
♪♪♪
♪ WE WERE STAYING IN PARIS
LET'S SHOW THEM ♪
♪ WE ARE BETTER
LET'S SHOW THEM
WE ARE BETTER ♪
♪ WE WERE STAYING IN PARIS
LET'S SHOW THEM
WE ARE BETTER ♪
♪ LET'S SHOW THEM
WE ARE BETTER ♪
♪ LET'S SHOW THEM
WE ARE BETTER ♪
♪ LET'S SHOW THEM
WE ARE BETTER ♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪♪
>>> Announcer: IT'S WEEKEND
UPDATE WITH COLIN JOST AND
MICHAEL CHE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> WHAT'S UP, EVERYONE?
WELCOME TO WEEKEND UPDATE.
I'M MICHAEL CHE.
>> AND I'M COLIN JOST.
WELL IT TURNS OUT THE ONLY THING
SCARIER THAN DONALD TRUMP ACTING
UN-PRESIDENTIAL IS DONALD TRUMP
ACTING PRESIDENTIAL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IN RESPONSE TO THE SYRIAN
REGIMES CHEMICAL WEAPONS ATTACK,
PRESIDENT TRUMP ON THURSDAY
SPENT 59 TOMAHAWK MISSILES TO
DISABLE A SYRIAN AIR FIELD.
BECAUSE WHEN TRUMP IS ANGRY, HE
ALWAYS PRESSES SEND.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THIS IS ONE OF THOSE MOMENTS
WHERE IT'S SEEMS EXTRA JARRING
THAT DONALD TRUMP IS OUR
PRESIDENT.
EVEN IF YOU ARE A TRUMP
SUPPORTER, IT'S GOTTA SEEM A
LITTLE CRAZY THAT A GUY IS
STARTING A WAR WITH ASSAD WHILE
HE'S STILL BOGGED DOWN IN A
TWITTER WAR WITH SCHWARZENEGGER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
REMEMBER AFTER TRUMP WAS ELECTED
AND EVERYONE KEPT SAYING, "STOP
TAKING TRUMP LITERALLY.
HE'S NOT LITERALLY GOING TO BAN
MUSLIMS AND DEPORT MEXICANS AND
BOMB THE HELL OUT OF EVERYONE."
AND ALL IM SAYING IS, IF I WERE
HILLARY CLINTON, I'D START
GETTING IN PRISON SHAPE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I MAY BE OVERSIMPLIFYING THE
DETAILS.
>> THE U.S. HAS ATTACKED ASSAD
WHO, LIKE US, IS ALREADY AT WAR
WITH ISIS.
BUT ASSAD IS A CLOSE ALLY WITH
RUSSIA WHO TRUMP HAS SAID HE
WANTS TO WORK WITH TO DEFEAT
ISIS.
EVEN THOUGH THE THREAT TO ISIS
IS ASSAD WHO TRUMP JUST BOMBED.
SO, IN CASE YOU ARE HAVING
TROUBLE FOLLOWING ALL THAT,
HERE'S A REENACTMENT OF WHAT I
JUST DESCRIBED.
♪♪♪
[ SLAPPING NOISES ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
SIMPLE ENOUGH, RIGHT?
THE ATTACK COMES AS A SURPRISE
BECAUSE JUST MONDAY, THE
PRESIDENT SAID HE WANTED NOTHING
TO DO WITH THE SYRIAN CONFLICT.
AND BY THURSDAY HE HAD ALREADY
ATTACKED THEM.
HE'S HANDLING CONFLICT THE WAY
MY MOTHER HANDLES FAMILY DRAMA.
AT FIRST, SHE'S LIKE, "THIS
AIN'T NONE OF MY BUSINESS.
Y'ALL LEAVE ME OUT OF THIS."
Y'ALL GROWN.
THEN THREE DAYS LATER, SHE'S
OUTSIDE MY EX'S JOB IN A TRACK
SUIT WITH A BRICK IN ONE HAND
AND HER WIG IN THE OTHER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
TRUMP ALSO BROKE PROTOCOL BY NOT
WAITING FOR APPROVAL FROM
CONGRESS.
HE DIDN'T EVEN WAIT UNTIL HE WAS
HOME.
HE WAS STILL ON VACATION IN
MARGARITAVILLE OR WHEREVER HE
GOES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND THEN SENT 60 MISSILES FROM
AMAZON PRIME ON A WHIM.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> PRESIDENT TRUMP MET WITH
CHINESE PRESIDENT XI JINPING --
THIS WEEK AT HIS MAR A LAGO
ESTATE.
AND THEN WHEN THE TWO MEN STOOD
NEXT TO EACH OTHER FOR THE FIRST
TIME, ONE THING BECAME VERY
CLEAR.
IF YOU MASH THEM TOGETHER, THEY
WOULD LOOK EXACTLY LIKE
STEVEN SEGAL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> ON FRIDAY THE SENATE VOTED TO
CONFIRM SUPREME COURT NOMINEE
NEAL GORSUCH WHICH MADE IT EXTRA
AWKWARD FOR MERRICK GARLAND'S
FAMILY WHEN HE PRETENDED TO COME
HOME FROM WORK AGAIN.
AFTER A LONG DAY AT THE SUPREME
COURT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ AUDIENCE OOHS ]
>> THIS WEEK, WHITE HOUSE CHIEF
STRATEGIST STEVE BANNON WAS
REMOVED FROM THE NATIONAL
SECURITY COUNCIL.
AND THIS TIME, HE PROBABLY CAN
BLAME THE JEWS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ AUDIENCE OOHS ]
>> THE WHOUGS REVEALS THAT JARED
KUSHNER TRAVELED WITH THE CHIEF
OF STAFF.
HE LOOKS LIKE COLIN WHEN HE GOES
BUY WEED.
>> IT WAS MY FIRST TIME.
THIS WAS A COMPLETE LACK OF SELF
AWARENESS.
THEY ARE THE WORST THING THAT
RICH WHITE GUYS CAN BE.
OBLIVIOUS.
HE IS ACCUSED OF BEING RACIST E.
HE HAD TO REDUCE OVERSIGHT AND
THE WAY TO PICK UP ON THE VIBE
OF THE COUNTRY.
FOUR DAYS INTO SEXUAL ASSAULT
AWARENESS MONTH, HE COMES TO
DEFEND THE GUY ACCUSED OF SEXUAL
ASSAULT.
ON THE VERGE OF WORLD WAR 3,
JARED KUSHNER ROLLS ON HIS BEST
OUTFIT.
YOU ARE GOING TO SEE GENERALS,
NOT VAMPIRE WEEKEND.
>> BILL O'REILLY AND FOX NEWS
PAID OUT $13 MILLION IN PAYMENTS
TO FIVE WOMEN.
THE BEST CASE SCENARIO IS YOU
ARE SO BAD WITH WOMEN, IT COSTS
YOU $2.5 MILLION EVERY TIME YOU
FLIRT.
BUT THE MOST IT COST ME IS A
TWO-STAR RATING ON UBER POOL.
>> LAST WEEK AN AIRPORT UNVEILED
A BUS THAT A SOCCER PLAYER WHO
LOOKS LIKE THIS, BUT THE STATUE
CAME OUT LIKE THIS.
THE ARTIST IS A JESUS FANATIC.
HELLO, CECILIA.
DO NOT WORRY ABOUT THE
SCULPTURE.
PEOPLE ARE GOING TO LOVE IT.
>> PEOPLE LOVE YOUR JESUS
PARTICIPATING AND IT'S A HUGE
TOURIST ATTRACTION.
>> JESUS IMPRESSED ME AT NIGHT
HE COMES TO ME AND LOOKS UPON ME
WITH HIS KIND DARK SNAKE EYES
AND SAID -- AND I THANK JESUS
FOR EVERYTHING HE HAS DONE AND
HE SAID TO ME -- IT WORKS OUT
FOR YOU, KIND OF.
IT WORKED OUT FOR YOU SO IT CAN
WORK OUT ON THE SCULPTURE.
>> IT'S BEAUTIFUL ART.
WOW.
THE FIRST QUESTION ANY GREAT
SCULPTURE MUST ASK ABOUT HIS
SUBJECT IS WHY WOULD HE LOCK
LIKE IF HE HAD A STROKE.
HE HAD THE STROKE WHILE SAYING
CHEESE.
LOOK AT THIS.
LOOK AT HIS EYES.
THEY LOVE EACH OTHER.
THEY WANT TO BE TOGETHER.
THEY ARE LIKE A LITTLE LESBIAN
TEENAGERS AT A SLEEP OVER TRYING
TO PUSH THEIR BEDS TOGETHER IN
THE NIGHT.
PERFECT.
LOOK AT THIS.
IT'S LIKE THEY TAKE MY BEAUTIFUL
FACE AND PUT IT THROUGH A SNAP
CHAT FILTER WHERE THE FEATURES
ARE TWISTED AND SUCKED INTO THE
NOSE.
>> DO YOU REALLY -- THANK YOU.
DO YOU REALLY FEEL LIKE THIS
LOOKS ANYTHING LIKE REYNALDO?
>> OF COURSE IT DOES.
IT'S PERFECT.
IT'S THE SPITTING IMAGE OF
REYNALDO AND THAT'S WHY SO MANY
PEOPLE SPIT ON IT.
LOOK AT THE GORGEOUS SMILE.
THAT'S A SMILE THAT SAYS I GOT A
FISH IN MY MOUTH AND I'M TRYING
TO KEEP IT IN THERE.
AND JUST TO SHOW SOCCER IS NOT
JUST FOR BOYS, THEY MAKE THE
NECK OUT OF A VAGINA.
>> YES, YES, I SEE HOW YOU MIGHT
LIKE THIS, BUT I FEEL LIKE A LOT
OF SOCCER FANS OUT THERE WHO
THINK IT'S PRETTY BAD.
>> WHY?
THIS IS A PERFECT IMAGE OF
REYNALDO PLAYING FOOTBALL.
SEE HOW THE ARTIST CAPTURES HIS
LOOK WHEN THE BALL HIT HIM IN
THE FACE?
>> YOU THINK IT'S AT AN AIRPORT
AND YOU THINK THEY WANT TO SEE
IT?
YOU ARE SO SAD.
YOU WANT TO SEE A FRIENDLY FACE
OF A MAN WHO PETS A BUNNY SO
MUCH IT DIES.
OH, MY GOD.
WOW.
>> WHAT IS YOUR NEXT PROJECT?
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE WORKING
ON?
>> NBC HAS COMMISSIONED A STATUE
FOR YOU FOR OUTSIDE AND GUESS
WHO THEY HIRED TO DO IT?
>> WHO DID THEY HIRE?
>> ME.
>> I COULD HAVE GUESSED THAT.
YOU ARE DOING A STATUE OF ME.
>> I ALL RIGHT DID IT.
LOOK AT THIS.
>> CECILIA JIMENEZ, EVERYONE.
>>> A WOMAN IN CALIFORNIA WAS
INJURED AFTER SHE FELL 60 FEET
WHILE TRYING TO TAKE A SELFIE
FROM A BRIDGE.
WORSE, SHE NO LONGER HAS A GOOD
SIDE.
>> A WHITE HOUSE UNVEILED
MELANIA TRUMP'S PORTRAIT AND SHE
POSED IN FRONT OF THE SAME GIANT
SPIDER WEB I DID IN FIFTH GRADE.
IT'S OFFICIAL, BARRY MANILOW IS
GAY.
THIS STORY WAS FIRST REPORTED IN
THE COMMENT SECTION OF HIS YOU
TUBE VIDEOS.
AN 18-YEAR-OLD WOMAN IN ROMANIA
AUCTIONED HER VIRGINITY FOR $2.5
MILLION, THE SECOND WORSE THING
SOMEONE HAS DONE FOR MONEY THIS
WEEK.
>> OFFICIALS AT THE CLEVELAND
ZOO ANNOUNCED THAT ONE OF THE
CRITICALLY ENDANGERED BLACK
RHINOS IS PREGNANT.
STILL NO WORD IF SHE PLANS TO
KEEP IT.
NEW RESEARCH SHOWS 59% OF PEOPLE
EAT THE EARS FIRST ON THEIR
CHOCOLATE BUNNIES.
THE REST ARE LIKE ME AND GO
STRAIGHT FOR THAT BUTT.
>> IT WAS REPORTED THAT YAHOO
AND AOL WILL COMBINE TO FORM A
NEW COMPANY BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS
TO DIE ALONE.
AND MANATEES.
>> DO YOU OWN ONE?
MANATEES HAVE BEENY HAVE BEEN
UPGREAT THE FROM ENDANGERED TO
THREATENED.
FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY, THE
McMANATEE IS BACK.
THE WEEKEND UPDATE.
>> BACK AT YOU!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> YOU ARE ABOUT TO ENTER THE
"NO SPIN ZONE"!
"THE FACTOR" BEGINS RIGHT NOW.
♪♪♪
>> HELLO.
I'M BILL O'REILLY, AND I HOPE
YOU ARE HAVING A TERRIFIC
EVENING.
THE SUBJECT OF TONIGHT'S TALKING
POINT'S MEMO IS A SCANDAL
EVERYONE'S TALKING ABOUT ALL
WEEK.
A SCANDAL NO ONE THOUGHT I WOULD
HAVE THE GUTS TO ADDRESS HEAD
ON, BUT THE SHOCKING ALLEGATIONS
OF GROSS MISCONDUCT AND ABUSE OF
POWER HAS BEEN DOUBLED AGAINST
OBAMA.
[ LAUGHTER ]
LET'S GO FOR LAURA FOR AN
UPDATE.
WHAT'S THAT?
LAURA NO LONGER WORKS FOR THE
COMPANY?
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
I SEE.
WE NORMALLY HAVE MELEE IN THE
STUDIO, BUT WE ARE REPORTING
LIVE FROM 500 YARDS AWAY.
MALIA, YOU SPOKE TO OBAMA
SECURITY ADVISER SUSAN RICE AND
SAID I BELIEVE SHE ILLEGALLY
LEAKED THE NAMES OF TRUMP'S
PEOPLE TO THE MEDIA.
>> YES AND SHE DENIED IT.
>> YOU ASKED HER POINT BLANK AND
SHE SAID --
>> NO.
>> WHEN SHE SAID NO, WHAT WAS
HER VIBE?
>> HER VIBE?
>> WHEN SHE SAID NO, DID HER
EYES SAY YES?
SOMETIMES THEY DO THAT.
>> NO, THEY JUST SAID NO.
>> IT WAS A FIRM NO OR LIKE --
>> OH, MAN.
CAN WE DO THAT THING WE TALKED
ABOUT.
>> TERRIFIC REPORTING, MALIA.
>> THANKS FOR HAVING ME, BILL.
>> WE WILL TAKE A QUICK BREAK.
AS YOU KNOW, 60 OF OUR SPONSORS
HAVE PULLED ADS FROM THE
PROGRAM.
NO WORD AS TO WHY YET.
WE THANK THE FOLLOWING FOR
STICKING WITH US.
>> "THE O'REILLY FACTOR" BROUGHT
TO YOU BY DOG COCAINE.
YOU CAN TEACH DOGS NEW TRICKS.
"THE O'REILLY FACTOR" SPONSORED
BY PRESCRIPTION STRENGZ EL KWIS.
CIALIS FOR HORSES.
GET YOUR HORSES BOOMED UP AND
SEE WHAT HAPPENS.
THE HORSE APHRODISIAC FOR THE
FACTOR.
AND FINALLY, THE MOVIE CHIPS.
CHIPS.
OOPS.
>> VERY PROUD OF ALL OF OUR
RESPONSEORS.
THIS IS HARD FOR ME TO DISCUSS,
BUT I ALSO HAVE BEEN IN THE NEW
THIS IS WEEK.
SEVERAL WOMEN HAVE COME FORWARD
AND ACCUSED ME OF OFFERING THEM
EXCITING OPPORTUNITIES HERE AT
FOX NEWS.
THE DETAILS ARE FUZZY, BUT ONE
MAN WAS BRAVE ENOUGH TO COME TO
MY DEFENSE WHO IS UNIMPEACHABLE
ON ALL FEMALE ISSUES.
PLEASE WELCOME THE PRESIDENT OF
THE UNITED STATES, DONALD TRUMP.
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> HI.
HELLO, EVERYWHERE.
GOOD EVENING, BILL, IT'S SO
WONDERFUL TO BE HERE ON THE
FACTOR.
I'M A BIG MAN.
>> I'M A BIG FAN AS WELL AND
IT'S AN HONOR TO HAVE YOU HERE.
YOU LOOK EVEN BETTER ON TV.
>> I KNOW.
I DO.
I LOOK FANTASTIC AND CAN I TELL
YOU SOMETHING, I ACTUALLY SEE A
LOT OF MYSELF IN YOU, BILL.
>> THANK YOU, MR. PRESIDENT AND
THANK YOU FOR COMING TO MY
DEFENSE EVEN THOUGH NO ONE ASK
YOU TO.
YOU EVEN WENT AS FAR AS SAYING
BILL O'REILLY DID NOTHING WRONG.
>> THAT'S CORRECT.
>> BASED UPON?
>> A HUNCH.
A LOOSE HUNCH.
>> YOU ARE NOT FAMILIAR WITH THE
FACTS OF THE CASE?
>> I'M MORE FAMILIAR WITH THIS
CASE THAN, SAY, HEALTH CARE, BUT
I DIDN'T LOOK INTO IT MUCH, NO.
I WAS BUSY BEING SUPER
PRESIDENTIAL BY BOMBING.
>> I APPRECIATE YOUR SUPPORT ON
BEHALF OF ALL WOMEN AND THANK
YOU, DONALD TRUMP, FOR PROMOTING
SEXUAL ASSAULT AWARENESS MONTH.
>> THAT'S RIGHT, BILL.
IT'S A SUBJECT NEAR AND DEAR TO
MY HAND.
>> THANK YOU FOR STOPPING BY THE
FACTOR, MR. PRESIDENT.
MAKE IT A GOOD ONE.
>> IS THAT A JOKE?
>> EXCUSE ME.
>> A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY KEEP UP
THE GOOD WORK AND I FOUND IT WAS
A JOKE.
>> I WAS NOT MAKING A JOKE.
I PROMISE.
>> I'M BACK, BABY.
>> DON'T FORGET TO CHECK OUT MY
HIT BOOK, OLD SCHOOL, LIFE IN
THE SANE LANE.
IT'S ABOUT HAVING TERRIFIC
MORALS AND VALUES AND COULDN'T
HAVE AM COME AT A BETTER TIME
I'M BILL O'REILLY.
THANKS FOR WATCHING THE FACTOR.
>> HEY.
I'M SETH.
I'M THE BIRTHDAY CLOWN.
SORRY I CAME EARLY.
>> THAT'S OKAY.
DID YOU FIND PARKING OKAY?
>> I TOOK AN UBER?
>> DRESSED LIKE THIS?
>> IT'S PART OF THE JOB.
I'M USED TO IT.
>> SET UP HERE.
YOU HAVE TO GET A BETTER
DEFENSE.
>> IT HAS BEEN A GOOD SEASON.
WHERE IS THE BIRTHDAY BOY.
LITTLE ERNIE.
>> THAT'S ME.
I'M ERNIE.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY.
>> SO -- DO YOU WANT -- SHOULD
WE WAIT FOR EVERYONE TO SHOW UP.
>> NO, IT'S JUST ME.
WHENEVER YOU'RE READY.
>> I'M SORRY.
BEFORE I START, I'M WONDERING
WHY --
>> I HAVE TO TAKE MY MIND OFF
SOME STUFF.
>> YEAH.
OKAY.
SURE.
YEAH.
I'M JUST GOING TO DO IT.
♪♪♪
>> HEY, KIDS.
ARE YOU READY FOR DO DO THE
CLOWN?
>> UH-HUH.
>> I CAN'T HEAR YOU.
>> YEAH, I'M READY.
>> NOW HERE COMES DO DO!
>> CUTE.
>> HEY, KIDS.
DO YOU REMEMBER MY NAME?
>> DO DO.
>> AND WHAT'S YOUR NAME,
BIRTHDAY BOY?
>> ERNIE SULLIVAN.
>> HOW OLD ARE YOU TURNING
TODAY?
>> I'M 53.
>> WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?
>> UM, I DON'T KNOW.
>> OKAY.
UM, BOY I SURE AM HUNGRY.
I HOPE I GOT A SNACK!
>> THAT'S PRETTY FUNNY.
HERE YOU GO.
>> YOU GIVING ME A TIP?
>> YOU WANT ME TO WAIT UNTIL
AFTER.
>> THERE IS NO PROTOCOL FOR
WHATEVER THIS IS.
>> GO AHEAD.
EXCUSE ME.
>> YOU WANT ME TO STOP AND WAIT?
>> NO, I CAN SEE FROM HERE.
KEEP GOING.
HEY, CAN YOU GET THAT?
>> WE ARE HERE FOR LITTLE
ERNIE'S BIRTHDAY PARTY.
>> YOU DON'T WANT THIS.
I THINK I SHOULD GO TOO.
>> YEAH, MAN.
LISTEN, I'M SORRY.
I TRY TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT
FOR MY BIRTHDAY.
IT GOT WEIRD.
>> NO.
IT'S OKAY.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
>> THANK YOU.
CAN YOU COME INTO THE KITCHEN
FOR A MINUTE?
>> YEAH.
WHAT'S UP.
>> I'M GOING TO CHOP YOU UP IN
LITTLE PIECES AND PUT YOU IN THE
FRIDGE.
>> SEEMS ABO
♪♪♪
>>> SO LONG AS MEN CAN BREATHE
OR I CAN SEE, SO LONG LIVE THIS
AND THIS GIVES LIFE TO THEE.
SECTIONAL COUCHES.
♪♪♪
WHEN I WAS A LITTLE BOY MY
GRANDMOTHER BOUGHT ME A NEW
COUCH.
I LOOKED AT IT AND I SAID WHERE
IS THE REST OF IT?
THAT'S THE FIRST OF MANY STORIES
YOU ARE GOING TO HEAR.
THIS IS GOING TO BE LONG.
WHAT IF I TOLD YOU THAT WHERE
MOST PEOPLE'S COUCHES END, YOURS
CAN BEND AND KEEP GOING?
♪♪♪
WOW.
KING ME.
NOTHING LIKE IT.
LEGEND HAS IT THAT, IN ANCIENT
ROME, THE EMPEROR ASKED FOR A
VERY LONG COUCH.
ONE THAT WOULD STRETCH TO
INFINITY.
BUT, WHEN THEY BOUGHT THEM THE
COUCH, HE GAZED AT IT AND
POWERFULLY SAID, "WELL THAT'S
NOT GOING TO FIT."
SO, THEY PUT A BEND IN IT, AND
THEY BUILT IT IN SECTIONS.
♪♪♪
[ SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE ]
>> HI.
♪♪♪
>> THIS ONE'S CALLED THE "BAD
LANDS."
GOD KNOWS WHAT IT'S STUCK WITH.
EACH [ INAUDIBLE ] BOUFF
UNFOLDING AND UNFOLDING FOR
ETERNITY.
THIS ONE'S CALLED "THE
GATHERING."
IT LOOKS LIKE ELEPHANTS GATHERED
FOR AN IMPORTANT [ INAUDIBLE ].
IT HAS A PHONE CHARGER AND
ELECTRICITY RUNS THROUGH IT.
REST YOUR TIRED HEAD IN THE
BOSOM OF THIS ROBUST GODDESS.
DRINK OF MILK?
IF YOU DON'T HAVE THIS ONE, LET
ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
THESE ARE ALL MADE ON EARTH.
BUT, ALL THESE COUCHES ARE
NOTHING COMPARED TO WHAT I'M
GOING TO TALK ABOUT RIGHT NOW.
LISTEN HAD TO ME SPEAK.
THERE WAS ONCE A WOMAN NAMED
BARB SOMEWHERE IN RACINE,
WISCONSIN.
SHE WENT TO A COUCH STORE AND
SHE SAID --
>> BIGGER.
>> SO THEY SHOWED HER A BIGGER
ONE AND SHE SAID --
>> NO, BIGGER!
>> AND THEN THEY SHOWED BARB A
COUCH BIGGER THAN ANY OTHER
THING ON EARTH!
♪♪♪
AND SHE SAID --
>> YES!
YES!
I'LL TAKE IT!
THIS PIECE IS CALLED "THE
NEXUS."
IT IS THE EYE OF THE STORM.
THE REST OF THE SECTIONAL IS
BORN FROM THIS POINT, AND THAT
IS HOW THEY'RE MADE.
PERIOD.
♪♪♪
I USED TO HAVE A FAMILY.
WIFE SITS ON A COUCH HERE, THEN
SITS ON A COUCH THERE.
I LONGED TO CONNECT THEM.
SO, I BOUGHT MY FIRST SECTIONAL.
THEN I BOUGHT ANOTHER, AND
ANOTHER.
THEN A WAREHOUSE TO STORE THEM,
AND THEN A STOREFRONT TO SHOW
THEM TO THE PEOPLE THROUGH THE
WINDOWS.
THEN HE CAME IN AND ASKED HOW
MUCH ARE THEY?
I REPLIED, "GET OFF MY PROPERTY.
THESE ARE NOT FOR SALE."
AND THIS IS NOT A COMMERCIAL.
I GOT THIS AIR TIME TO SAY
PLEASE LET ME BE.
THIS IS NOT A COMMERCIAL.
GOOD NIGHT.
>> SECTIONAL SOFA EMPORIUM,
8259, SODA STREET.
NOT OPEN TO THE PUBLIC.
NOT A BUSINESS.
♪♪♪
>> ONCE AGAIN, THE CHAIN
SMOKERS.
♪♪♪
♪♪♪
HOW CAN I HELP IT IF I LIKE THE
WAY SHE MAKES ME FEEL ♪♪♪
♪ GIVE ME TIME, GIVE ME SPACE,
GIVE ME REASON ♪♪♪
12340E9 THAT'S WHAT YOU TELL ME
WHEN YOU ARE LEAVING.
CHANGE YOUR MIND EVERY NIGHT ♪♪♪
♪ YOU ARE INSATIABLE AND I KNOW
YOU SAY YOU WANT IT NOW ♪♪♪
♪ GIVE ME THE RUN AROUND ♪♪♪
♪ WHICH ONE CAN HELP ME NOW ♪♪♪
♪ SHE HAS SEVEN PERSONALITIES
AND EVERY ONE A TRAGEDY ♪♪♪
♪ SHE WANTS EVERY NIGHT ♪♪♪
♪ SHE FINALLY DECIDES TO
FINISH ♪♪♪
♪ SHE WANTS EVERY NIGHT ♪♪♪
♪ HOW CAN I HELP IT IF I LIKE
THE WAY SHE MAKES ME FEEL ♪♪♪
♪ TIME AND YOU ARE FOR REAL.
YOU ARE THE REAL WORLD ♪♪♪
♪ CHECK MY PHONE ♪♪♪
♪ I KIND OF LOVE IT THOUGH ♪♪♪
♪ I KNOW YOU SAY YOU NEED ME
NOW ♪♪♪
♪ GIVE ME THE RUN AROUND ♪♪♪
♪ WHICH ONE CAN HELP IT NOW ♪♪♪
♪ SHE HAS SEVEN PERSONALITIES
AND EVERY ONE'S A TRAGEDY.
SHE WANTS TO BREAK UP EVERY
NIGHT ♪♪♪
♪ DON'T WANT TO WAIT UNTIL SHE
FINALLY DECIDES TO FINISH ♪♪♪
♪ TRIES TO BRING ME BACK TO
LIFE ♪♪♪
♪ HOW CAN I HELP IT IF I LIKE
THE WAY SHE MAKES ME FEEL ♪♪♪
♪ SHE WANTS EVERY NIGHT ♪♪♪
♪ DON'T WANT TO WAIT TILL SHE
FINALLY DECIDES TO FINISH ♪♪♪
♪
>> THE BRIDGE IS UP ♪♪♪
♪ THE BRIDGE IS UP ♪♪♪
♪ THE BRIDGE IS UP AND THE
BRIDGE IS UP AGAIN ♪♪♪
♪ THE BRIDGE IS UP AGAIN ♪♪♪
♪ SHE WANTS TO PRACTICE EVERY
NIGHT SHE WANTS EVERY NIGHT ♪♪♪
♪ DON'T WANT TO WAIT UNTIL SHE
FINALLY DECIDES TO FINISH.
SHE WANTS TO PRACTICE EVERY
NIGHT ♪♪♪
♪ THAT'S A FEELING EVERY
NIGHT ♪♪♪
♪ HOW CAN I HELP IT IF I LIKE
THE WAY SHE MAKES ME FEEL ♪♪♪
♪
>> OKAY, SQUEEZE ON IN HERE
GUYS.
OUR NEXT STOP ON THE MUSEUM TOUR
IS THIS APARTMENT WHICH APPEARS
EXACTLY AS IT WOULD HAVE IN
1913.
>> OKAY, PAY ATTENTION, GUYS.
SOME OF THIS IS GOING TO BE ON
THE QUIZ.
>> NOW, THIS WAS THE HOME OF THE
LINZOWSKY'S, THE WORKING CLASS
FAMILY FROM POLAND AND TO HELP
US UNDERSTAND WHAT IT WAS LIKE
FOR THEM IN THE STRANGE NEW LAND
OF AMERICA, A GROUP OF
HISTORICALLY TRAINED ACTORS WILL
BE JOINING US TO BRING THE
LINZWSKY'S BACK TO LIFE.
IN FACT, I THINK I HEAR THEM
NOW.
♪♪♪
>> MY DARLING AVA.
FOR 16 HOURS TODAY, I'LL
BREAK MY HANDS IN FACTORY.
I CAN AFFORD TO BRING HOME
CABBAGE FORKS, WE SHOULD HAVE
[INAUDIBLE].
WE SHOULD HAVE STAYED IN POLAND.
>> MICHAEL, OUR BODIES WILL HAVE
TO BE FILLED WITH LOVE.
FOOD WILL BE A LUXURY FOR THE
NEXT GENERATION.
>> AWE, THEY CAME HERE FOR THEIR
CHILDREN.
>>
>> I WISH I COULD BRING HOME
MORE MONEY --.
THERE ARE NO GOOD JOBS.
THEY HAVE ALL BEEN TAKEN BY THE
FILTHY GREASE BALL ITALIANS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WHAT DID HE SAY?
>> MITCHELL!
SHAME ON YOU.
IT'S NOT THEIR FAULT THEY ARE
GREASY.
THAT'S JUST HOW GOD MADE THEM.
>> WELL, DID GOD ALSO MAKE THEM
ALL HORNY, KNUCKLE DRAGGING,
MONKEY GRINDERS?
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> I'M NOT SURE THIS IS OKAY FOR
MY STUDENTS TO HEAR.
>> OH, NO, NO.
I ASSURE YOU THIS CONVERSATION
IS 100% HISTORICALLY ACCURATE.
>> MITCHELL, NO MORE TALK OF
ITALIAN.
>> I DON'T LIKE TO SEE YOU UPSET
OVER THIS CROTCH GRABBING LIAR
WHO ARE NOT EVEN REALLY WHITE
PEOPLE.
>> OKAY, PLEASE.
SIT AND RELAX AND EAT.
>> GOOD, NOW LOOK AT THE BULLS
MRS. LINDOWSKY IS USING.
SOMETHING LIKE THAT WOULD BE A
TREASURED FAMILY HEIRLOOM.
>> COOL.
WHAT'S UP WITH THE ITALIAN
STUFF?
>> HEY, LET'S JUST WAIT UNTIL
THE SCENE IS DONE FOR QUESTIONS.
>> LET ME ASK YOU, HOW DO YOU
BRAIN WASH AN ITALIAN?
>> HOW, MITCHELL?
>> YOU GIVE HIM AN ENEMA.
>> THAT MAKES SENSE.
AND MITCHELL, DO YOU KNOW WHY
ITALY IS SHAPED LIKE A BOOT?
>> WHY, MY LOVE?
DO YOU THINK THEY CAN FIT THAT
MUCH CRAP INTO A TENNIS SHOE?
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> THAT IS VERY TRUE, REALLY.
>> SORRY.
ARE THEY JUST TELLING ITALIAN
JOKES?
>> YES.
>> I MUST GO OR I WILL BE LATE
FOR MY NIGHT SHIFT AT THE
FACTORY.
>> YOU WORK SO HARD, MITCHELL.
>> I WORK HARD IN FACTORY SO
THAT SOME DAY OUR CHILDREN WILL
BE BOSS OF FACTORY AND THEN --
THEY WILL HIRE HALF WIT, RAT
FACES AND WORK THEM TO DEATH AT
THE MACHINES.
THIS IS MY DREAM.
>> AMAZING.
LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE
LINDOWSKY'S.
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> FEELS KIND OF WEIRD CLAPPING
FOR THAT BUT ALL RIGHT.
>> NOW, MAGICALLY THE
LINDOWSKY'S CAN HEAR YOU ALL THE
WAY BACK IN 1913.
SO WOULD ANYONE LIKE TO ASK THEM
A QUESTION?
>> HI.
UM, YOU SAY GREASE BALL IS IT
BECAUSE THE FOOD IS GREASY OR
THEY ARE?
>> PLEASE DON'T ANSWER THAT.
ANYONE ELSE?
>> I HAVE A QUESTION.
>> HE HAS CHOCOLATE FACE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> AND YOU JUST ANSWERED IT.
>> ACTUALLY, I HAVE A QUESTION
FOR MRS. LINDOWSKY.
THAT CONTRAPTION THERE, I DON'T
KNOW WHAT IT IS.
CAN YOU TELL ME ABOUT IT?
>> YES, THIS IS FOR TO DRY
CLOTHES.
YOU PUT THE WET FABRIC HERE AND
YOU TURN AND LEAVE IT LIKE THIS.
ONE BED SHEET, THREE HOURS.
WOW.
A LOT HARDER THAN JUST TOSSING
YOUR CLOTHES IN THE DRIER, HUH?
>> BUT IT WILL NOT ALWAYS BE
THIS WAY FOR MY WIFE.
I WORK HARD AND I SAVE MONEY.
AND ONE DAY, GOD WILLING, I
HIRED CHOCOLATE LADY TO DO THIS
FOR ME.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> NOPE.
>> YEAH, WE'RE LEAVING.
>> I WANT TO SAY DON RICKLES WAS
THE FUNNIEST MAN IN THE WORLD
AND HE WAS A LOVELY BEAUTIFUL
GUY AND I WILL MISS HIM FOR THE
REST OF MY LIFE.
AND I WANT TO THANK ALEC
BALDWIN.
AND EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
♪♪♪
TONIGHT.
HE WAS ON HIS WAY TO WASHINGTON,
BUT HE DECIDED TO BE WITH THE
PEOPLE WHO BROUGHT HIM THERE.
PLEASE WELCOME THE PRESIDENT OF
THE UNITED STATES, DONALD TRUMP.
>> THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
WE ALL LOVE TRUMP, DON'T WE.
WE DO.
I HAD AN AMAZING WEEK, FOLKS.
CHINA, E JUPT AND JORDAN.
GORSUCH WAS CONFIRMED AND THE
MEDIA IS SAYING NICE THINGS AND
NO ONE IS TALKING ABOUT RUSSIA.
WHAT A DIFFERENCE 59 TOMAHAWK
MISSILES CAN MAKE.
I WANT TO SPEND 20 MINUTES TODAY
WITH MY PEOPLE.
FOLK WHO IS DON'T WHISPER OH,
GOD, WHAT'S HAPPENING AFTER I
LEAVE THE ROOM.
I KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR YOU.
THINGS HAVE CHANGED SO MUCH
SINCE I WAS GROWING UP.
A LOT OF PVERTY IS WHITE NOW.
ISN'T THAT CRAZY.
YOU LIKE THAT I BOMBED SYRIA?
>> I SURE DO, SIR, BUT I WANTED
TO TALK ABOUT MY JOB.
I RECENTLY GOT LAID OFF FROM A
COAL MINING PLANT.
>> GOD, I LOVE COAL.
YOU GUYS HAVE SUFFERED TERRIBLY.
WORSE THAN ANYONE.
I AM GOING TO DO EVERYTHING I
CAN TO MAKE SURE YOU PEOPLE WORK
IN COAL FOR THE REST OF YOUR
LIVES.
AND YOUR KIDS WILL WORK IN COAL
AND YOUR GRANDKIDS.
IT'S GOING TO BE INCREDIBLE.
>> MR. PRESIDENT, THANK YOU SO
MUCH, BUT ALL WE WANT ARE GOOD
JOBS.
THEY DON'T HAVE TO BE IN COAL.
>> SORRY, IT'S ALL COAL.
IN TRUMP'S AMERICA, MEN WORK IN
TWO PLACES.
COAL MINES AND GOLDMAN SACHS.
CAREFUL, I'M CUTTING ALL JOB
KILLING REGULATIONS.
I'M PROUD TO ANNOUNCE THAT AS OF
TODAY, YOUR COAL MINES WILL HAVE
NO REGULATIONS.
NONE.
IT'S A FREE-FOR-ALL.
HOW ABOUT YOU.
ARE YOU GLAD THAT I BOMBED
SYRIA.
>> I GUESS SO.
I FOUND OUT MY PREMIUMS HAVE
GONE UP AND I HAVE TO DRIVE 90
MINUTES TO SEE A DOCTOR.
I KNOW YOU TRIED YOUR BEST TO
FIX IT BUT YOU COULDN'T.
>> PAUL RYAN DID, BUT I DID.
I POSED FOR PICTURES AND WENT
HONK, HONK!
I WON'T GIVE UP.
I AM TALKING WITH THE FREEDOM
CAUCUS AND WE ARE GOING TO GET
RID OF IT?
>> MY HEALTH CARE?
ALL OF IT?
>> ALL OF IT.
GONE.
AFTER WE ARE DONE.
YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO DRIVE TO
SEE A DOCTOR AGAIN.
HOW DOES THAT SOUND?
>> I TRUST YOUR JUDGMENT, SIR.
THERE MUST BE SOME REASON YOU
ARE A BILLIONAIRE.
>> WE THINK EXACTLY ALIKE.
I SAY QUIETLY TO MYSELF, ALL THE
TIME ACTUALLY.
THERE MUST BE SOME REASON I'M A
BILLIONAIRE.
WHO IS NEXT UP?
>> I WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY WIFE
WHO IS ADDICTED TO PAIN KILLERS.
>> SUSAN RICE.
PUT HER IN JAIL, RIGHT?
>>.
>> I WORK IN UNIONS, BUT MY WIFE
WON'T MOVE BECAUSE SHE IS IN A
REHAB PROGRAM AN HOUR AWAY.
>> MY WIFE DOESN'T WANT TO MOVE
EITHER.
200 MILES AWAY AND COSTING THE
FEDERAL GOVERNMENT MILLIONS OF
DOLLARS, BUT SHE LOVES HER OWN
BED.
CRAZY.
>> LIKE I WAS SAYING, MY WIFE
STAYS BECAUSE OF THE FEDERAL
REHAB PROGRAM.
>> DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT.
WE WILL GET RID OF IT.
>> YOU ARE GETTING RID OF IT?
>> JUNKING IT.
JUNKED.
NOW SHE CAN LIVE WHEREVER SHE
WANTS.
DID I MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER NOW?
>> I'M NOT SURE, BUT I VOTED FOR
YOU AND YOU ARE MY PRESIDENT.
>> THAT'S WHY I CAME HERE.
YOU STAND BY ME NOW MATTER WHAT.
YOU FOUND A FINGER IN YOUR CHILI
AND STILL EAT THE CHILI AND YOU
DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH YOU LOVE
CHILI.
IT'S TREMENDOUS.
>> THANK YOU FOR COMING.
I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT MY OWN
CHILD WHO IS IN AN AFTER SCHOOL
PROGRAM.
>> JUNKED.
>> OKAY.
GREAT.
I WORK TWO JOBS FOR MINIMUM
WAGE.
>> MINIMUM WAGE, GONE.
GONE.
>> OKAY.
PERFECT.
IT'S JUST WE CAN'T AFFORD A NEW
HOUSE BECAUSE MY MORGAN IS UNDER
WATER.
>> WE ARE GETTING RIGHT OF THAT?
>> MY MORTGAGE?
>> YOUR HOUSE.
>> WE CAN'T DRINK THE WATER
BECAUSE THERE IS LEAD IN IT.
>> WE WILL KEEP THAT.
WE STILL LOVE TRUMP?
>> YOU ARE MY PRESIDENT.
>> YOU ARE BLOWING MY MIND.
KEEP EATING THAT FINGER CHILI.
REMEMBER I'M ONE OF YOU AND LIVE
FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY
NIGHT!
>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE" WITH --
VANESSA BAYER,
BECK BENNETT,
AIDY BRYANT,
MICHAEL CHE,
PETE DAVIDSON,
LESLIE JONES,
COLIN JOST,
KATE McKINNON,
KYLE MOONEY,
BOBBY MOYNIHAN,
CECILY STRONG,
KENAN THOMPSON,
SASHEER ZAMATA.
FEATURING --
MIKEY DAY,
ALEX MOFFAT,
MELISSA VILLASENOR,
MUSICAL GUEST --
THE CHAINSMOKERS AND YOUR
HOST --
LOUIS C.K.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪♪
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LOUIS C.K.
♪♪♪
>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH, YES,
THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S APPROPRIATE.
HERE'S A JOKE.
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE
ROAD?
BECAUSE THERE IS A BLACK GUY
WALKING BEHIND HIM.
AND HE WAS NERVOUS.
HE WAS NEW TO THE CITY, THIS
CHICKEN, AND HE WAS LIKE "I FEEL
LIKE HE IS FOLLOWING ME."
BUT THEN HE THOUGHT IF I CROSS
THE ROAD, THEN IF HE CROSSES THE
ROAD, HE DEFINITELY FOLOWING ME.
SO HE CROSSES THE ROAD.
THE BLACK GUY WENT HOME, HE'S
JUST LIVING HIS LIFE.
AND THE CHICKEN IS LIKE "I'M
SUCH A RACIST."
HE FELT BAD.
ABOUT A MONTH LATER A BLACK GUY
ATE THE CHICKEN.
DIFFERENT BLACK GUY.
I'M JUST TELLING YOU WHAT
HAPPENED.
BY THE WAY, THIS JOKE IS NOT
RACIST.
DON'T BE AFRAID.
THIS IS NOT A RACIST JOKE.
THE CHICKEN WAS RACIST.
THE CHICKEN WAS DEFINITELY --
BUT THAT'S CHICKENS.
CHICKENS ARE VERY, SORT OF,
CLOSED DOWN, SORT OF SUSPICIOUS,
PREJUDICE PEOPLE.
YOU KIND OF CAN'T BLAME THEM
CONSIDERING THAT THEIR SPECIES
MURDER RATE IS 100%.
THAT'S WHY CHICKENS ARE LIKE --
NO FRIENDLY CHICKENS.
YOU CAN FEED THE SAME CHICKEN
EVERY DAY.
I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT, YOU BLACK
SON OF A BITCH, I'M NOT COMING
OVER THERE.
I'M NOT IN YOUR SOUP YET, YOU
JEW.
I LIKE ANIMALS.
I LIKE WONDERING ABOUT ANIMALS.
I LIKE WONDERING WHAT THEY ARE
THINKING.
YOU CAN ASK ABOUT ANY ANIMAL AND
THE CONVERSATION IS OVER.
I WONDER IF ANIMALS ARE AWARE OF
THEIR LIVES.
LIKE, IS A GIRAFFE UP THERE
GOING, "WHOA!"
IT'S TOO HIGH!
HEY, HORSE.
HORSE!
>> WHAT, MAN?
>> LOOK AT MY NECK!
THAT'S WHY HORSES MAKE THAT
NOSE.
YOU ARE NEAR A HORSE AND HE DOES
THAT, THAT'S BECAUSE YOU SUCK.
DOES A MOOSE LOOK DIFFERENT WHEN
IT'S SURPRISED?
DID YOU SEE A MOOSE?
THEY HAVE THIS -- I SAW A MOOSE
ONCE IN PERSON.
OR IN MOOSE.
MAYBE I WAS PROJECTING BECAUSE I
WAS LIKE OH, MY GOSH, A MOOSE
AND HE WAS GOING OH, MY GOD, I'M
A MOOSE!
EVERY MOOSE LOOKS LIKE A DUDE
WHO GOT TURNED INTO A MOOSE
BEFORE YOU LOOKED AT HIM.
I WAS THINKING OF BUYING A GOAT.
BECAUSE I WANT TO HAVE A TRASH
CAN THAT I CAN MAKE LOVE TO.
THAT'S WHY I'M GOING TO BUY A
GOAT.
I CAN DO THAT WITH A TRASH CAN I
HAVE NOW, BUT I DON'T HAVE A
VAGINA.
THAT MAKES IT BETTER.
I DON'T CARE THAT YOU ARE UPSET.
I'M STILL GETTING THE GOAT.
I LOVE DOING THIS.
STAND-UP COMEDY.
I HAVE BEEN DOING IT FOR
32 YEARS NOW.
IT'S BEEN GOING GREAT FOR FOUR
YEARS, 28 YEARS IT WAS A
STRUGGLE.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, I WAS HAPPY
WHEN I WAS STRUGGLING.
I WAS.
BECAUSE WHEN YOUR LIFE SUCKS, IT
JUST SUCKS AND YOU LIVE IT.
WHEN IT GETS BETTER, YOU START
GETTING UNHAPPY.
THEN YOU'RE UPSET.
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS.
LIKE, NOW I STAY IN BEAUTIFUL
FIVE-STAR HOTELS AND I'M
MISERABLE.
I USED TO STAY IN MOTELS.
NOT EVEN LIKE A NICE -- LIKE A
MOTEL 6.
THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN GREAT.
LIKE A NOT EVEN A NAME.
JUST MOTEL.
LIKE THEY BUILT IT AND ONE GUY
IS LIKE "WHAT SHOULD WE NAME
IT?"
THE OTHER GUY IS LIKE, "WHAT?"
LAST TIME YOU TOOK A DUMP, DID
YOU NAME IT?
YOU KNOW THE MOTELS ON THE
HIGHWAY AND YOU SAY, WHO IS
INSIDE OF THAT?
RIGHT ON THE HIGHWAY.
LIKE, THE DOOR OPENS ONTO THE
HIGHWAY AND ATRUCK TAKES THE
DOOR --.
AND WHEN YOU GET IN THE SHOWER,
YOU ARE DIRTIER NOW.
THEY GIVE YOU SOAP AND YOU HAVE
TO PEEL OUST PAPER AND IT MAKES
A RASH.
YOU CAN WRITE YOUR NAME IN SKIN
DISEASE WITH THE SOAP.
AND THERE'S ALWAYS TWO BEDS AND
ONE BED HAS A BIG POOL OF SPERM
RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF IT.
JUST A BIG DEEP POOL WITH A
CURRENT.
HIGH TIDE AT THE SPERM POOL!
WHERE'S THE BOAT?
I STAYED IN, LIKE, IN MOTELS
LIKE THAT FOR YEARS AND I WAS
HAPPY.
BECAUSE WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO
DO?
COMPLAIN TO THE MOTEL?
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO CALL THE
FRONT DESK?
"I WANT TO SPEAK TO THE
MANAGER."
"WELL, HE'S DEAD.
SOMEBODY DUCT TAPED HIM TO A
CHAIR AND SHOT HIM IN THE HEAD
BECAUSE HE OWED HIM $15."
NOW I STAY AT BEAUTIFUL HOTELS
AND I'M MISERABLE BECAUSE I
DON'T LIKE THE FANCY HOTEL
STUFF.
THEY TIE YOUR BATHROBE INTO A
SWAN AND I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN
YOU CALL ROOM SERVICE THEY SAY A
LONG FLOWERY HELLO BEFORE YOU
TALK ABOUT FOOT.
YOU CALL DOWN TO ROOM SERVICE,
THEY'RE LIKE, "HELLO, THIS ROOM
SERVICE --"
[ UNINTELIGIBLE ]
I HATE IT.
STOP IT!
I NEVER LET THEM FINISH.
IT'S LIKE, "HELLO, ROOM
SERVICE --"
STOP, STOP, STOP!
THANKS, I'D LIKE SOME COFFEE!
I'M MEAN.
YOU STAY IN THE HOTELS AND YOU
ARE USED TO IT AND ONE TIME MY
LAUNDRY WASN'T THERE.
SO I CALLED HOUSEKEEPING.
NOW THEY DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE
ALL FANCY AT HOUSEKEEPING.
THIS IS HOW SHE ANSWERS THE
PHONE, SHE GOES, "HELLO?"
AND I ACTUALLY SAID THIS TO HER,
I SAID, "DO YOU WANT TO TRY THAT
AGAIN?"
YEAH.
I'M TELLING YOU THINGS ABOUT ME.
I WAS LIKE, "DID I REACH YOU ON
YOUR PERSONAL PHONE TODAY?"
SO SHE SAID --
SHE GOES, "WHAT DO YOU NEED,
SIR?"
AND I SAID, "WELL, I GAVE YOU MY
LAUNDRY YESTERDAY."
SHE SAID "YOU DIDN'T GIVE IT TO
ME."
I WAS LIKE, OH, MY GOD, I'M SO
EXCITED ABOUT HOW MAD I GET TO
BE NOW.
I SAID, "I GAVE MY LAUNDRY TO
YOUR DEPARTMENT AND I WAS
PROMISED.
LIKE IT'S IN THE CONSTITUTION
THAT YOU GET YOUR LAUNDRY.
IT'S BEEN LONGER THAN 24 HOURS.
SHE SAID, "WHAT DO YOU WANT ME
TO DO ABOUT IT?"
SO I SAID, "OKAY, LISTEN, FIRST
OF ALL, YOU CAN HEAR IN MY VOICE
THAT I'M WHITE."
AND BY THE WAY, I'LL DEFEND THAT
RIGHT NOW.
I'LL DEFEND THAT.
BECAUSE LOOK, IT'S WRONG THAT
WHITE PEOPLE GET PREFERENTIAL
TREATMENT.
IT'S WRONG.
BUT AS LONG AS THEY DO, WHAT'S
GOING ON AT THIS HOTEL?
I'M SUPPOSED TO GET THE BEST
BECAUSE I'M WHITE WHICH IS
AWFUL AND LONG, BUT WHERE IS IT
RIGHT NOW?
SO SHE GETS SICK OF ME.
SHE SAYS, "DO YOU WANT TO SPEAK
TO A MANAGER?"
I SAID YES.
SO THE MANAGER COMES ON, "HELLO?
IT'S NED --"
[ UNINTELIGIBLE ]
I SAID, "I AM VERY UPSET!"
SHE WAS LIKE, "OH, I'M SO SORRY,
WHITE SIR.
WHAT HAPPENED TODAY?"
I SAID, "I DON'T HAVE MY
LAUNDRY."
HE SAID, "AAH!"
HE SAID, "I'M GOING TO CONDUCT
AN INVESTIGATION."
I WAS LIKE, "YES, THAT'S A VERY
WHITE THING.
I WANT A WHITE INVESTIGATION
INTO MY LAUNDRY."
SO HE SAID "I WILL CALL YOU BACK
IN FIVE MINUTES OR LESS."
SO I'M WAITING IN MY ROOM
LIKE --
SO HE CALLS ME BACK LATER, HE
SAYS, "SIR, I LOOKED INTO THE
MATTER AND I HAVE ONE QUESTION.
ARE YOU CERTAIN YOU GAVE US
LAUNDRY?"
AS SOON AS HE SAID THAT I WAS
LIKE, "I DID NOT GIVE YOU --
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT.
THE CHAINSMOKERS ARE HERE.
SO STICK AROUND AND WE'LL BE
RIGHT BACK.
♪♪♪
>> SO THERE YOU HAVE IT.
I WAS FIVE MILES AWAY FROM THAT
BAR PLAYING POKER WITH HIS
FRIEND, MR. BIRD, THE NIGHT OF
THE MURDER.
YEAH.
THAT'S IT.
I REST MY CASE.
>> ALL RIGHT, JURORS.
YOU'VE HEARD OPENING STATEMENTS
FROM BOTH THE DEFENSE AND THE
PROSECUTION.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
MR. DOUGLAS, YOU MAY NOW CALL
YOUR FIRST WITNESS.
>> THE PROSECUTION CALLS
GREGORY SHARPE TO THE STAND.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> HOLD ON.
EXCUSE ME, MR. DOUGLAS.
HAS ANYONE EVER TOLD YOU THAT --
WELL, FRANKLY, YOU HAVE THE MOST
BEAUTIFUL EYELASHES?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THANK YOU, YOUR HONOR.
>> I MEAN, THIS CAN'T BE THE
FIRST TIME YOU'RE HEARING THIS,
RIGHT?
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> IT'S NOT, YOUR HONOR.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHAT A PICKLE TO BE YOU, HUH?
[ LAUGHTER ]
WALKING AROUND TOWN, BRINGING
SPRING WHEREVER YOU GO.
>> YOUR HONOR, CAN WE CALL THE
WITNESS, PLEASE?
>> OF COURSE.
BAILIFF.
>> DO YOU SWEAR TO TELL THE
TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH, AND --
NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH.
WOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
UM, I'M SORRY.
IT'S JUST, UM, I'M LOSING MY
TRAIN OF THOUGHT.
>> MR. SHARP, WHERE WERE YOU ON
THE NIGHT OF THE 7TH?
>> LIKE I TOLD THE COPS, IT WAS
POKER NIGHT, AND I WAS PLAYING
POKER WITH MY BUDDIES.
>> INCLUDING MR. BIRD?
>> YEAH, HE WAS THERE.
>> SO YOU ARE GOING TO LOOK ME
IN THE EYE, THESE EYES AND TELL
YOU HE WAS WITH YOU THAT NIGHT?
ALL NIGHT?
>> I, UM, WELL --
>> ALL NIGHT?
>> IT WAS POKER.
>> MR. SHARP, WAS IT THEN?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> UM, WELL, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME
TO SAY?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I WANT YOU TO LOOK AT ME --
>> COME ON, MAN.
>> AND TELL ME THE TRUTH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> HE WASN'T WITH ME.
HE'S WAS ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT
KILLING PEOPLE.
>> COME ON, MAN!
NO FURTHER QUESTIONS.
>> OBJECTION.
WHAT IS THIS WITH THE EYELASHES?
I'M APPALLED BY THE PROSECUTION
HERE.
>> APPALLED OR JEALOUS?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> APPALLED.
THIS IS NOT FAIR.
>> FINE.
THE JURY WILL DO THEIR BEST TO
NOT BE INFLUENCED BY THE
PROSECUTION'S GORGEOUS, INVITING
LASHES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND THEY WILL ALSO DISREGARD THE
FACT THAT THE DEFENSE'S LASHES
ARE CLUMPY AND UNREMARKABLE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> FINE, THANK YOU.
MR. SHARP, WHEN YOU WERE
QUESTIONED BY POLICE, YOU STATED
THAT MR. BIRD JOINED YOU FOR
POKER NIGHT AT YOUR APARTMENT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IN FACT, HE CAME TO YOUR PLACE
EARLY TO HELP YOU GET UP.
YOU EVEN HAD LEFTOVER BEERS YOU
BROUGHT THAT NIGHT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
NOW, I'M SORRY, BUT --
MY GOD!
[ LAUGHTER ]
OKAY, NOW HE IS DIRECTLY
INFLUENCING THE JURY.
>> THAT'S RIDICULOUS, YOUR
HONOR.
PERMISSION TO APPROACH THE
BENCH?
>> WELL, I WOULD LIKE TO VERY,
VERY MUCH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
OH, BOTH OF YOU.
>> I CAN GET YOU DISBARRED FOR
THIS, MANIPULATING A JURY.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
I'VE NEVER SEEN SOMEONE SO
BLATANTLY DISREGARD --
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO BLATANTLY DISREGARD PROTOCOL
IN SUCH A --
[ LAUGHTER ]
OH, MY.
UM.
THERE --
[ BREATHES HEAVILY ]
THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT YOU.
MAYBE IT'S YOUR UNORTHODOX
METHOD.
MAYBE IT'S THE WAY YOU CARRY
YOURSELF.
♪♪♪
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
>> YOU CAN'T TRUST THE
GOVERNMENT.
>> THREATS FROM NORTH KOREA.
>> MISTRUST OF GOVERNMENT.
>> WE SO MANY PROBLEMS IN THE
WORLD.
>> IT SEEMS LIKE THERE WAS NO
HOPE THINGS WOULD CHANGE.
THEN ONE MAN SPOKE UP.
>> THIS SONG IS ABOUT HIM.
THANK YOU, SCOTT.
♪♪♪
♪ TURNED ON THE TV
WHAT DID SHE SEE
BLOOD BEING SPILLED
WAR IN THE MIDDLE EAST ♪
♪ RESCUE SHE SEEKS
DID SHE CROSS THE SEA
WITH HUNDREDS OF DROWNING
YEARNING TO BE FREE ♪
♪ SHE COULDN'T SIT BY AND DO
NOTHING
HE HAD TO ACT BEFORE IT WAS
TOO LATE ♪
♪ HE SHARED AN ARTICLE
ON FACEBOOK
AND THEN EVERYTHING CHANGED
THANK YOU, SCOTT ♪
♪ YOU SOLVED A PROBLEM
SCOTT
YOU BROUGHT THE STRUGGLE
TO AN END ♪
♪ SCOTT
BY SHARING THAT ARTICLE
WITH 84 FACEBOOK FRIENDS
THANK YOU SCOTT ♪
♪ BUT THEN SCOTT REALIZED
THAT BLACK PEOPLE'S LIVES
MATTER AS MUCH AS THE LIVES
OF THE WHITES ♪
♪ SOME PEOPLE PROTESTED
AND GOT ARRESTED
HE HAS TO DO MORE TO
END THEIR OPPRESSION ♪
♪ HE KNEW HE HAD TO STAND UP
HE KNEW HE HAD TO MARCH
OVER TO HIS LAPTOP AND
WRITE BLACK LIVES MATTER ♪
♪ IN HIS TWITTER BIO
THANK YOU SCOTT
YOU ENDED RACISM
SCOTT ♪
♪ NOW WE'RE ALL EQUAL
SCOTT
AND COMPARED TO YOU
MLK DIDN'T DO [ BLEEP ] ♪
♪ AT ALL
THANK YOU SCOTT
YOU KNOW WHY I LOVE
THIS DUDE THE MOST ♪
♪ HE TELLS ME HOW TO FEEL
ON TOP OF TOP OF HIS POST
STORY ABOUT GOVERNMENT
RIPPING YOUR RIGHTS ♪
♪ GOT HIM PISSED AND
HE CARES SO HE SHARES
AND ABOVE RIGHT
WOMEN'S MARCH GOT ME LIKE ♪
♪ BIOFUEL GOT ME LIKE
AND WHEN HIS SISTER HAD A
BABY SCOTT LIKED
'CAUSE IT'S A ♪
♪ BIG DEAL
SO RAISE SOME HANDS
EVERY RACE COLOR AND
CREED FOR THE ♪
♪ MAN PULLING UP YOUR FEED
THANK YOU SCOTT
YOU'RE THE HERO
THAT WE WAITED FOR ♪
♪ SCOTT
WE WON'T EVER FORGET
SCOTT
THAT YOU FIGHT FOR ♪
♪ OUR RIGHTS FOR
YOUR PHONE WHILE
YOU'RE ON THE TOILET
SCOTT ♪
♪ DOING THINGS ON
THE INTERNET
SCOTT
THEN YOU POST THEM ♪
♪ ON THE INTERNET
FOR ALL THE LIVES THAT
YOU SAVED AND
THE BATTLES YOU ♪
♪ HAVE FOUGHT
THANK YOU, SCOTT ♪
>> YOU'RE WELCOME.
>> GEE, GANG, THAT MATH TEST WAS
THE BEES KNEES.
I LOVE MATH.
>> OH, CONNIE, YOU'RE SUCH A
NERD.
ISN'T CONNIE A NERD, LOUISE?
LOUISE?
>> SORRY, I WASN'T LISTENING.
I WAS MOPING.
>> LOUISE, ARE YOU STILL UPSET
ABOUT NOT GETTING ASKED TO THE
DANCE.
WE KNOW WHAT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL
BETTER.
HEY SAM, HOW ABOUT A ROOT BEER
FLOAT?
WE GOT SOMEONE DOWN IN THE
DUMPS.
>> WELL, SURE THING GIRLS.
BUT SPEAKING OF ICE CREAM,
WHAT'S THE SCOOP.
WHO IS POUTY PENNY?
>> IT'S ME.
I'M THE ONLY GIRL WHO DIDN'T GET
ASKED TO THE SPRING FLING BEPOP
AND SOCK HOP.
>> WELL, IT SOUNDS TO ME LIKE
THOSE BOYS ARE MAKING A WHOPPER
OF A MISTAKE.
I'M GONNA GIVE YOU AN EXTRA
SCOOP OF VANILLA ON THE HOUSE.
>> THANKS, SAM.
I WISH ALL THE BOYS TO BE MORE
LIKE YOU.
>> SAM IS THE BEST.
>> WELL HECK, IF I WERE
YOUNGER -- 20 YEARS YOUNGER, I
WOULD ASK YOU MYSELF.
I MEAN IT.
AND GEE, I WOULD ASK YOU AT THE
AGE I AM RIGHT NOW.
>> HA HA, SAM.
VERY FUNNY.
>> SAM TELLS THE BEST JOKES.
>> SO WHAT DO YOU SAY?
>> TO WHAT, SAM?
>> THE DANCE.
ARE WE DOING IT OR WHAT?
>> THE SPRING FLING, SAM?
>> THAT'S FOR TEENAGERS, SAM.
>> WELL, THEN WOULDN'T IT WOW
THE CROWD TO SHOW UP WITH AN
OLDER MAN ON YOUR ARM?
>> I WOULD GO WITH SAM IF HE
ASKED ME.
>> WELL I DIDN'T ASK YOU,
STUPID, I ASKED LOUISE.
>> SAM, YOU ARE BEING AWFULLY
NICE, BUT I WANTED TO GO THE
DANCE IN A NORMAL WAY, LIKE WITH
A BOY MY AGE INSTEAD OF AN OLDER
MARRIED MAN.
>> MARRIED?
PLEASE.
THE NEXT TIME I KISS MY WIFE
WILL BE AT HER FUNERAL.
>> NEATO, SAM.
>> HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE
FUN IF WE DID A TEST RUN.
>> OF WHAT?
>> OUR DATE.
>> WE'RE ARE STILL TALKING ABOUT
THAT?
>> WELL, SURE.
LET'S PRETEND THIS BOOTH IS A
CAR.
JUST PRETEND.
YOU SURE ARE COOKIE, SAM.
AND THIS IS FUN.
CAN WE BE A PART OF THE SCENE?
>> NO, IS SHOW SHUT UP.
>> SAM, THIS IS NICE AND ALL.
>> GET DOWN.
BANG, BANG.
I KILLED TWO PEOPLE.
>> '?
WHY DID YOU DO THAT?
>> I DIDN'T LIKE THE WAY THEY
WERE TALKING ABOUT YOU.
THEY WERE SAYING STUFF LIKE
LOUISE THINKS SHE IS BETTER THAN
ALL OF US NOW THAT SHE HAS
FALLEN IN LOVE WITH A MARRIED
MAN AND THEY ARE RUNNING AWAY TO
GET MARRIED WHERE THE RULES ARE
DIFFERENT.
>> OKAY.
THANK YOU, SAM, BUT I WOULD LIKE
IT GET OUT OF THE CAR NOW.
>> YOU CAN'T.
WE ARE IN A TUNNEL E.
>> WHERE IS THERE A TUNNEL ON
THE WAY TO SCHOOL.
>> LOUISE, I HAVE BEEN LOOKING
FOR YOU.
>> WHY, JOHNNY?
>> I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO DO
THIS.
LOUISE MARIE, WILL YOU BE MY
DATE FOR THE SPRING FLING?
>> OH, JOHNNY, OF COURSE I WILL.
>> WHAT DOES THAT MEAN FOR ME?
>> CONNIE!
I MADE DINNER AND YOU ARE HERE
AT THE PERVERT'S PHOTO SHOP.
>> LOUISE MADE US COME HERE
BECAUSE SHE KNOWS SAM IS GOING
TO MAKE INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL
ADVANCES TOWARDS HER.
>> I LIKE KNOWING I COULD GET
SAM IN BIG TROUBLE, BUT HE DOES
IT ANYWAY.
MAKES ME FEEL POWERFUL.
IT SOUNDS SILLY, BUT I WANT TO
BE A DOMINATRIX WHEN I GROW UP
SO IT'S NOT AS HAIR BRAINED AS
IT SOUNDS.
SEE YA, SAM.
>> OH, WELL.
I GUESS IT'S JUST YOU DANCING
ALONE AGAIN TONIGHT, SAM.
I CUT THE HECK OUT OF MY HAND.
>> AND THAT'S A CUT ON
REHEARSAL.
LET'S WILL BE READY TO ROLL IN
FIVE.
>> THANK YOU.
>> HOW IS IT GOING,
MR. DIRECTOR?
>> GOOD, GOOD.
I'M REALLY EXCITED.
>> WELL, YOU SHOULD BE WRITING
AND DIRECTING A COMMERCIAL FOR
PEPSI.
IT DOESN'T GET MUCH BIGGER THAN
THAT.
>> OH, HEY.
THIS IS MY SISTER.
I GOT TO GET THIS REAL QUICK.
>> CARRIE, HEY.
SORRY, I CAN'T SUPER TALK RIGHT
NOW.
I'M ON THE SET OF A HUGE PEPSI
COMMERCIAL I'M DOING.
I KNOW, RIGHT?
THIS IS, LIKE, COMPLETELY MY
IDEA, AND NOW, THEY'RE DOING IT.
THAT'S GREAT, YEAH.
I MEAN, OKAY, SO WELL IT'S AN
HOMAGE TO THE RESISTANCE AND FOR
THE HUGE PROTESTS IN THE STREETS
REMINISCENT OF
BLACK LIVES MATTER.
AND SO, EVERYBODY IS MARCHING,
RIGHT?
AND THEY CAN SEE POLICE
OFFICERS, AND THEY THINK IT'S
GONNA GO BAD BECAUSE THERE'S
KIND OF, LIKE, A STANDOFF.
AND THEN, KENDALL JENNER WALKS
IN, AND SHE WALKS UP TO ONE OF
THE POLICE OFFICERS, AND SHE
HANDS HIM A PEPSI.
AND THEN, THAT PEPSI BRINGS
EVERYBODY TOGETHER.
[ SIGHS ]
ISN'T THAT, LIKE, THE BEST AD
EVER?
♪♪♪
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
UH-HUH.
UH-HUH.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
SORT OF TONE DEAF.
>> ALL RIGHT, GUYS!
THREE MINUTES AWAY!
THREE MINUTES!
>> THANK YOU.
>> I THINK MAYBE YOU JUST DON'T
GET IT.
IS DOUG THERE?
CAN YOU PUT HIM ON?
DOUG!
HEY, MAN!
TAKE A BREATH.
WHAT'S UP?
HEY, I WANT TO RUN THIS PEPSI
COMMERCIAL BY YOU THAT I'M DOING
AND MAKE SURE YOU ARE LOVING IT
AS MUCH AS I AM.
UM, COOL, COOL.
THE WHOLE THING IS AN HOMAGE TO
RESISTANCE AND
BLACK LIVES MATTER.
SO, EVERYBODY IS MARCHING IN THE
STREETS, AND THEY COME UP TO THE
POLICE OFFICERS -- YEAH, SILLY
COMMERCIAL.
AND THEN, KENDALL JENNER COMES
UP TO A POLICE OFFICER AND GIVES
HIM A PEPSI, AND EVERYBODY
CELEBRATES.
PEOPLE OF EVERY SINGLE CULTURE
COME TOGE -- UH-HUH.
UH-HUH.
UH-HUH.
NO, WE'RE CELEBRATING THESE
CULTURES.
WE'RE CELEBRATING BLACK CULTURE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT WE'RE ARE ALSO CELEBRATING
ASIAN CULTURE.
OH.
DO YOU WANT ME PLAYING THE
CELLO?
MM, MM, MM.
OH.
GOT IT.
JUST KIND OF USING THEM?
>> YEAH.
>> IT'S ALL SODA?
[ WHISPERING ]
GREAT.
IT'S GONNA BE BAD.
>> ALL RIGHT, PEOPLE!
60 SECONDS UNTIL WE ROLL ON THIS
MAN, SINGULAR VISION!
>> AH, YES!
>> HEY, MAN, COULD YOU PUT A
NEIGHBOR ON THE PHONE, A BLACK
ONE?
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
HI, MA'AM.
HEY, WE'RE SHOOTING A LITTLE
PEPSI COMMERCIAL OVER HERE.
I WANT TO RUN IT BY YOU, AND GET
YOUR OPINION ON IT.
OKAY, GREAT.
SO, THE WHOLE THING IS AN HOMAGE
ON BLACK LIVES MATTER.
UH-HUH.
UH-HUH.
DON'T EVEN TOUCH IT?
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
IT WOULD BE INSANE TO TOUCH IT,
RIGHT?
OKAY.
DON'T EVEN SHOW POLICE?
[ SIGHS ]
YEAH.
WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WERE IN
MY SITUATION?
JUST RUN TO MY CAR?
OKAY.
>> ALL RIGHT.
WE HAVE GOT TO GO, PEOPLE!
>> HEY, KENNY.
DO WE HAVE TIME FOR A REWRITE?
>> HEY, NO CAN DO, BUD.
LET'S INVITE KENDALL TO SET.
SHE HAS HER HEART OUT IN
45 SECONDS.
>> NO, NO!
>> OKAY, WELL I'LL CALL YOU.
I AM ON THE SET OF MY PEPSI
COMMERCIAL.
UM, I STOP THE POLICE FROM
SHOOTING BLACK PEOPLE BY GIVING
THEM A PEPSI.
I KNOW!
IT'S CUTE, RIGHT?
>> UGH!
♪♪♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE
CHAIN SMOKERS.
♪♪♪
♪♪♪
♪ WE WERE STAYING IN PARIS
TO GET AWAY FROM YOUR PARENTS
AND I THOUGHT, WOW, IF ♪
♪ I COULD TAKE THIS IN A
SHOT RIGHT NOW
I DON'T THINK THAT WE
COULD WORK THIS OUT ♪
♪ OUT ON THE TERRACE
I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S FAIR
BUT I THOUGHT, HOW COULD ♪
♪ I LET YOU FALL BY YOURSELF
WHILE I'M WASTED
WITH SOMEONE ELSE ♪
♪ IF WE GO DOWN THEN
WE GO DOWN TOGETHER
THEY'LL SAY YOU
COULD DO ANYTHING THEY'LL ♪
♪ SAY THAT I WAS CLEVER
IF WE GO DOWN THEN
WE GO DOWN TOGETHER
WE'LL GET AWAY WITH ♪
♪ EVERYTHING LET'S SHOW
THEM WE ARE BETTER
SHOW THEM WE ARE ♪
♪ SHOW THEM WE ARE
SHOW THEM WE ARE
SHOW THEM WE ARE
LET'S SHOW THEM ♪
♪ WE ARE BETTER WE WERE STAYING
IN PARIS TO GET AWAY FROM YOUR
PARENTS
YOU LOOK SO PROUD STANDING ♪
♪ THERE WITH A FROWN
AND A CIGARETTE
POSTING PICTURES OF
YOURSELF ON THE INTERNET ♪
♪ OUT ON THE TERRACE
WE BREATHE IN THE AIR
OF THIS SMALL TOWN ♪
♪ ON OUR OWN CUTTIN CLASS
FOR THE THRILL OF IT
GETTING DRUNK ON THE
PAST WE WERE LIVIN IN ♪
♪ IF WE GO DOWN THEN WE
GO DOWN TOGETHER
THEY'LL SAY YOU
COULD DO ANYTHING ♪
♪ THEY'LL SAY THAT
I WAS CLEVER
IF WE GO DOWN THEN
WE GO DOWN TOGETHER ♪
♪ WE'LL GET AWAY
WITH EVERYTHING
LET'S SHOW THEM
WE ARE BETTER ♪
♪♪♪
♪ LET'S SHOW THEM WE ARE BETTER
SHOW THEM WE ARE
SHOW THEM WE ARE ♪
SHOW THEM WE ARE
♪ SHOW THEM WE ARE
LET'S SHOW THEM
WE ARE BETTER ♪
♪♪♪
♪ IF WE GO DOWN THEN
WE GO DOWN TOGETHER
THEY'LL SAY YOU
COULD DO ANYTHING ♪
♪ THEY'LL SAY THAT
I WAS CLEVER
IF WE GO DOWN THEN
WE GO DOWN TOGETHER ♪
♪ WE'LL GET AWAY WITH
EVERYTHING
LET'S SHOW THEM
WE ARE BETTER ♪
♪ IF WE GO DOWN
LET'S SHOW THEM
WE ARE BETTER
IF WE GO DOWN ♪
♪ LET'S SHOW THEM
WE ARE BETTER ♪
♪♪♪
♪ WE WERE STAYING IN PARIS
LET'S SHOW THEM ♪
♪ WE ARE BETTER
LET'S SHOW THEM
WE ARE BETTER ♪
♪ WE WERE STAYING IN PARIS
LET'S SHOW THEM
WE ARE BETTER ♪
♪ LET'S SHOW THEM
WE ARE BETTER ♪
♪ LET'S SHOW THEM
WE ARE BETTER ♪
♪ LET'S SHOW THEM
WE ARE BETTER ♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪♪
>>> Announcer: IT'S WEEKEND
UPDATE WITH COLIN JOST AND
MICHAEL CHE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> WHAT'S UP, EVERYONE?
WELCOME TO WEEKEND UPDATE.
I'M MICHAEL CHE.
>> AND I'M COLIN JOST.
WELL IT TURNS OUT THE ONLY THING
SCARIER THAN DONALD TRUMP ACTING
UN-PRESIDENTIAL IS DONALD TRUMP
ACTING PRESIDENTIAL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IN RESPONSE TO THE SYRIAN
REGIMES CHEMICAL WEAPONS ATTACK,
PRESIDENT TRUMP ON THURSDAY
SPENT 59 TOMAHAWK MISSILES TO
DISABLE A SYRIAN AIR FIELD.
BECAUSE WHEN TRUMP IS ANGRY, HE
ALWAYS PRESSES SEND.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THIS IS ONE OF THOSE MOMENTS
WHERE IT'S SEEMS EXTRA JARRING
THAT DONALD TRUMP IS OUR
PRESIDENT.
EVEN IF YOU ARE A TRUMP
SUPPORTER, IT'S GOTTA SEEM A
LITTLE CRAZY THAT A GUY IS
STARTING A WAR WITH ASSAD WHILE
HE'S STILL BOGGED DOWN IN A
TWITTER WAR WITH SCHWARZENEGGER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
REMEMBER AFTER TRUMP WAS ELECTED
AND EVERYONE KEPT SAYING, "STOP
TAKING TRUMP LITERALLY.
HE'S NOT LITERALLY GOING TO BAN
MUSLIMS AND DEPORT MEXICANS AND
BOMB THE HELL OUT OF EVERYONE."
AND ALL IM SAYING IS, IF I WERE
HILLARY CLINTON, I'D START
GETTING IN PRISON SHAPE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I MAY BE OVERSIMPLIFYING THE
DETAILS.
>> THE U.S. HAS ATTACKED ASSAD
WHO, LIKE US, IS ALREADY AT WAR
WITH ISIS.
BUT ASSAD IS A CLOSE ALLY WITH
RUSSIA WHO TRUMP HAS SAID HE
WANTS TO WORK WITH TO DEFEAT
ISIS.
EVEN THOUGH THE THREAT TO ISIS
IS ASSAD WHO TRUMP JUST BOMBED.
SO, IN CASE YOU ARE HAVING
TROUBLE FOLLOWING ALL THAT,
HERE'S A REENACTMENT OF WHAT I
JUST DESCRIBED.
♪♪♪
[ SLAPPING NOISES ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
SIMPLE ENOUGH, RIGHT?
THE ATTACK COMES AS A SURPRISE
BECAUSE JUST MONDAY, THE
PRESIDENT SAID HE WANTED NOTHING
TO DO WITH THE SYRIAN CONFLICT.
AND BY THURSDAY HE HAD ALREADY
ATTACKED THEM.
HE'S HANDLING CONFLICT THE WAY
MY MOTHER HANDLES FAMILY DRAMA.
AT FIRST, SHE'S LIKE, "THIS
AIN'T NONE OF MY BUSINESS.
Y'ALL LEAVE ME OUT OF THIS."
Y'ALL GROWN.
THEN THREE DAYS LATER, SHE'S
OUTSIDE MY EX'S JOB IN A TRACK
SUIT WITH A BRICK IN ONE HAND
AND HER WIG IN THE OTHER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
TRUMP ALSO BROKE PROTOCOL BY NOT
WAITING FOR APPROVAL FROM
CONGRESS.
HE DIDN'T EVEN WAIT UNTIL HE WAS
HOME.
HE WAS STILL ON VACATION IN
MARGARITAVILLE OR WHEREVER HE
GOES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND THEN SENT 60 MISSILES FROM
AMAZON PRIME ON A WHIM.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> PRESIDENT TRUMP MET WITH
CHINESE PRESIDENT XI JINPING --
THIS WEEK AT HIS MAR A LAGO
ESTATE.
AND THEN WHEN THE TWO MEN STOOD
NEXT TO EACH OTHER FOR THE FIRST
TIME, ONE THING BECAME VERY
CLEAR.
IF YOU MASH THEM TOGETHER, THEY
WOULD LOOK EXACTLY LIKE
STEVEN SEGAL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> ON FRIDAY THE SENATE VOTED TO
CONFIRM SUPREME COURT NOMINEE
NEAL GORSUCH WHICH MADE IT EXTRA
AWKWARD FOR MERRICK GARLAND'S
FAMILY WHEN HE PRETENDED TO COME
HOME FROM WORK AGAIN.
AFTER A LONG DAY AT THE SUPREME
COURT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ AUDIENCE OOHS ]
>> THIS WEEK, WHITE HOUSE CHIEF
STRATEGIST STEVE BANNON WAS
REMOVED FROM THE NATIONAL
SECURITY COUNCIL.
AND THIS TIME, HE PROBABLY CAN
BLAME THE JEWS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ AUDIENCE OOHS ]
>> THE WHOUGS REVEALS THAT JARED
KUSHNER TRAVELED WITH THE CHIEF
OF STAFF.
HE LOOKS LIKE COLIN WHEN HE GOES
BUY WEED.
>> IT WAS MY FIRST TIME.
THIS WAS A COMPLETE LACK OF SELF
AWARENESS.
THEY ARE THE WORST THING THAT
RICH WHITE GUYS CAN BE.
OBLIVIOUS.
HE IS ACCUSED OF BEING RACIST E.
HE HAD TO REDUCE OVERSIGHT AND
THE WAY TO PICK UP ON THE VIBE
OF THE COUNTRY.
FOUR DAYS INTO SEXUAL ASSAULT
AWARENESS MONTH, HE COMES TO
DEFEND THE GUY ACCUSED OF SEXUAL
ASSAULT.
ON THE VERGE OF WORLD WAR 3,
JARED KUSHNER ROLLS ON HIS BEST
OUTFIT.
YOU ARE GOING TO SEE GENERALS,
NOT VAMPIRE WEEKEND.
>> BILL O'REILLY AND FOX NEWS
PAID OUT $13 MILLION IN PAYMENTS
TO FIVE WOMEN.
THE BEST CASE SCENARIO IS YOU
ARE SO BAD WITH WOMEN, IT COSTS
YOU $2.5 MILLION EVERY TIME YOU
FLIRT.
BUT THE MOST IT COST ME IS A
TWO-STAR RATING ON UBER POOL.
>> LAST WEEK AN AIRPORT UNVEILED
A BUS THAT A SOCCER PLAYER WHO
LOOKS LIKE THIS, BUT THE STATUE
CAME OUT LIKE THIS.
THE ARTIST IS A JESUS FANATIC.
HELLO, CECILIA.
DO NOT WORRY ABOUT THE
SCULPTURE.
PEOPLE ARE GOING TO LOVE IT.
>> PEOPLE LOVE YOUR JESUS
PARTICIPATING AND IT'S A HUGE
TOURIST ATTRACTION.
>> JESUS IMPRESSED ME AT NIGHT
HE COMES TO ME AND LOOKS UPON ME
WITH HIS KIND DARK SNAKE EYES
AND SAID -- AND I THANK JESUS
FOR EVERYTHING HE HAS DONE AND
HE SAID TO ME -- IT WORKS OUT
FOR YOU, KIND OF.
IT WORKED OUT FOR YOU SO IT CAN
WORK OUT ON THE SCULPTURE.
>> IT'S BEAUTIFUL ART.
WOW.
THE FIRST QUESTION ANY GREAT
SCULPTURE MUST ASK ABOUT HIS
SUBJECT IS WHY WOULD HE LOCK
LIKE IF HE HAD A STROKE.
HE HAD THE STROKE WHILE SAYING
CHEESE.
LOOK AT THIS.
LOOK AT HIS EYES.
THEY LOVE EACH OTHER.
THEY WANT TO BE TOGETHER.
THEY ARE LIKE A LITTLE LESBIAN
TEENAGERS AT A SLEEP OVER TRYING
TO PUSH THEIR BEDS TOGETHER IN
THE NIGHT.
PERFECT.
LOOK AT THIS.
IT'S LIKE THEY TAKE MY BEAUTIFUL
FACE AND PUT IT THROUGH A SNAP
CHAT FILTER WHERE THE FEATURES
ARE TWISTED AND SUCKED INTO THE
NOSE.
>> DO YOU REALLY -- THANK YOU.
DO YOU REALLY FEEL LIKE THIS
LOOKS ANYTHING LIKE REYNALDO?
>> OF COURSE IT DOES.
IT'S PERFECT.
IT'S THE SPITTING IMAGE OF
REYNALDO AND THAT'S WHY SO MANY
PEOPLE SPIT ON IT.
LOOK AT THE GORGEOUS SMILE.
THAT'S A SMILE THAT SAYS I GOT A
FISH IN MY MOUTH AND I'M TRYING
TO KEEP IT IN THERE.
AND JUST TO SHOW SOCCER IS NOT
JUST FOR BOYS, THEY MAKE THE
NECK OUT OF A VAGINA.
>> YES, YES, I SEE HOW YOU MIGHT
LIKE THIS, BUT I FEEL LIKE A LOT
OF SOCCER FANS OUT THERE WHO
THINK IT'S PRETTY BAD.
>> WHY?
THIS IS A PERFECT IMAGE OF
REYNALDO PLAYING FOOTBALL.
SEE HOW THE ARTIST CAPTURES HIS
LOOK WHEN THE BALL HIT HIM IN
THE FACE?
>> YOU THINK IT'S AT AN AIRPORT
AND YOU THINK THEY WANT TO SEE
IT?
YOU ARE SO SAD.
YOU WANT TO SEE A FRIENDLY FACE
OF A MAN WHO PETS A BUNNY SO
MUCH IT DIES.
OH, MY GOD.
WOW.
>> WHAT IS YOUR NEXT PROJECT?
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE WORKING
ON?
>> NBC HAS COMMISSIONED A STATUE
FOR YOU FOR OUTSIDE AND GUESS
WHO THEY HIRED TO DO IT?
>> WHO DID THEY HIRE?
>> ME.
>> I COULD HAVE GUESSED THAT.
YOU ARE DOING A STATUE OF ME.
>> I ALL RIGHT DID IT.
LOOK AT THIS.
>> CECILIA JIMENEZ, EVERYONE.
>>> A WOMAN IN CALIFORNIA WAS
INJURED AFTER SHE FELL 60 FEET
WHILE TRYING TO TAKE A SELFIE
FROM A BRIDGE.
WORSE, SHE NO LONGER HAS A GOOD
SIDE.
>> A WHITE HOUSE UNVEILED
MELANIA TRUMP'S PORTRAIT AND SHE
POSED IN FRONT OF THE SAME GIANT
SPIDER WEB I DID IN FIFTH GRADE.
IT'S OFFICIAL, BARRY MANILOW IS
GAY.
THIS STORY WAS FIRST REPORTED IN
THE COMMENT SECTION OF HIS YOU
TUBE VIDEOS.
AN 18-YEAR-OLD WOMAN IN ROMANIA
AUCTIONED HER VIRGINITY FOR $2.5
MILLION, THE SECOND WORSE THING
SOMEONE HAS DONE FOR MONEY THIS
WEEK.
>> OFFICIALS AT THE CLEVELAND
ZOO ANNOUNCED THAT ONE OF THE
CRITICALLY ENDANGERED BLACK
RHINOS IS PREGNANT.
STILL NO WORD IF SHE PLANS TO
KEEP IT.
NEW RESEARCH SHOWS 59% OF PEOPLE
EAT THE EARS FIRST ON THEIR
CHOCOLATE BUNNIES.
THE REST ARE LIKE ME AND GO
STRAIGHT FOR THAT BUTT.
>> IT WAS REPORTED THAT YAHOO
AND AOL WILL COMBINE TO FORM A
NEW COMPANY BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS
TO DIE ALONE.
AND MANATEES.
>> DO YOU OWN ONE?
MANATEES HAVE BEENY HAVE BEEN
UPGREAT THE FROM ENDANGERED TO
THREATENED.
FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY, THE
McMANATEE IS BACK.
THE WEEKEND UPDATE.
>> BACK AT YOU!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> YOU ARE ABOUT TO ENTER THE
"NO SPIN ZONE"!
"THE FACTOR" BEGINS RIGHT NOW.
♪♪♪
>> HELLO.
I'M BILL O'REILLY, AND I HOPE
YOU ARE HAVING A TERRIFIC
EVENING.
THE SUBJECT OF TONIGHT'S TALKING
POINT'S MEMO IS A SCANDAL
EVERYONE'S TALKING ABOUT ALL
WEEK.
A SCANDAL NO ONE THOUGHT I WOULD
HAVE THE GUTS TO ADDRESS HEAD
ON, BUT THE SHOCKING ALLEGATIONS
OF GROSS MISCONDUCT AND ABUSE OF
POWER HAS BEEN DOUBLED AGAINST
OBAMA.
[ LAUGHTER ]
LET'S GO FOR LAURA FOR AN
UPDATE.
WHAT'S THAT?
LAURA NO LONGER WORKS FOR THE
COMPANY?
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
I SEE.
WE NORMALLY HAVE MELEE IN THE
STUDIO, BUT WE ARE REPORTING
LIVE FROM 500 YARDS AWAY.
MALIA, YOU SPOKE TO OBAMA
SECURITY ADVISER SUSAN RICE AND
SAID I BELIEVE SHE ILLEGALLY
LEAKED THE NAMES OF TRUMP'S
PEOPLE TO THE MEDIA.
>> YES AND SHE DENIED IT.
>> YOU ASKED HER POINT BLANK AND
SHE SAID --
>> NO.
>> WHEN SHE SAID NO, WHAT WAS
HER VIBE?
>> HER VIBE?
>> WHEN SHE SAID NO, DID HER
EYES SAY YES?
SOMETIMES THEY DO THAT.
>> NO, THEY JUST SAID NO.
>> IT WAS A FIRM NO OR LIKE --
>> OH, MAN.
CAN WE DO THAT THING WE TALKED
ABOUT.
>> TERRIFIC REPORTING, MALIA.
>> THANKS FOR HAVING ME, BILL.
>> WE WILL TAKE A QUICK BREAK.
AS YOU KNOW, 60 OF OUR SPONSORS
HAVE PULLED ADS FROM THE
PROGRAM.
NO WORD AS TO WHY YET.
WE THANK THE FOLLOWING FOR
STICKING WITH US.
>> "THE O'REILLY FACTOR" BROUGHT
TO YOU BY DOG COCAINE.
YOU CAN TEACH DOGS NEW TRICKS.
"THE O'REILLY FACTOR" SPONSORED
BY PRESCRIPTION STRENGZ EL KWIS.
CIALIS FOR HORSES.
GET YOUR HORSES BOOMED UP AND
SEE WHAT HAPPENS.
THE HORSE APHRODISIAC FOR THE
FACTOR.
AND FINALLY, THE MOVIE CHIPS.
CHIPS.
OOPS.
>> VERY PROUD OF ALL OF OUR
RESPONSEORS.
THIS IS HARD FOR ME TO DISCUSS,
BUT I ALSO HAVE BEEN IN THE NEW
THIS IS WEEK.
SEVERAL WOMEN HAVE COME FORWARD
AND ACCUSED ME OF OFFERING THEM
EXCITING OPPORTUNITIES HERE AT
FOX NEWS.
THE DETAILS ARE FUZZY, BUT ONE
MAN WAS BRAVE ENOUGH TO COME TO
MY DEFENSE WHO IS UNIMPEACHABLE
ON ALL FEMALE ISSUES.
PLEASE WELCOME THE PRESIDENT OF
THE UNITED STATES, DONALD TRUMP.
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> HI.
HELLO, EVERYWHERE.
GOOD EVENING, BILL, IT'S SO
WONDERFUL TO BE HERE ON THE
FACTOR.
I'M A BIG MAN.
>> I'M A BIG FAN AS WELL AND
IT'S AN HONOR TO HAVE YOU HERE.
YOU LOOK EVEN BETTER ON TV.
>> I KNOW.
I DO.
I LOOK FANTASTIC AND CAN I TELL
YOU SOMETHING, I ACTUALLY SEE A
LOT OF MYSELF IN YOU, BILL.
>> THANK YOU, MR. PRESIDENT AND
THANK YOU FOR COMING TO MY
DEFENSE EVEN THOUGH NO ONE ASK
YOU TO.
YOU EVEN WENT AS FAR AS SAYING
BILL O'REILLY DID NOTHING WRONG.
>> THAT'S CORRECT.
>> BASED UPON?
>> A HUNCH.
A LOOSE HUNCH.
>> YOU ARE NOT FAMILIAR WITH THE
FACTS OF THE CASE?
>> I'M MORE FAMILIAR WITH THIS
CASE THAN, SAY, HEALTH CARE, BUT
I DIDN'T LOOK INTO IT MUCH, NO.
I WAS BUSY BEING SUPER
PRESIDENTIAL BY BOMBING.
>> I APPRECIATE YOUR SUPPORT ON
BEHALF OF ALL WOMEN AND THANK
YOU, DONALD TRUMP, FOR PROMOTING
SEXUAL ASSAULT AWARENESS MONTH.
>> THAT'S RIGHT, BILL.
IT'S A SUBJECT NEAR AND DEAR TO
MY HAND.
>> THANK YOU FOR STOPPING BY THE
FACTOR, MR. PRESIDENT.
MAKE IT A GOOD ONE.
>> IS THAT A JOKE?
>> EXCUSE ME.
>> A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY KEEP UP
THE GOOD WORK AND I FOUND IT WAS
A JOKE.
>> I WAS NOT MAKING A JOKE.
I PROMISE.
>> I'M BACK, BABY.
>> DON'T FORGET TO CHECK OUT MY
HIT BOOK, OLD SCHOOL, LIFE IN
THE SANE LANE.
IT'S ABOUT HAVING TERRIFIC
MORALS AND VALUES AND COULDN'T
HAVE AM COME AT A BETTER TIME
I'M BILL O'REILLY.
THANKS FOR WATCHING THE FACTOR.
>> HEY.
I'M SETH.
I'M THE BIRTHDAY CLOWN.
SORRY I CAME EARLY.
>> THAT'S OKAY.
DID YOU FIND PARKING OKAY?
>> I TOOK AN UBER?
>> DRESSED LIKE THIS?
>> IT'S PART OF THE JOB.
I'M USED TO IT.
>> SET UP HERE.
YOU HAVE TO GET A BETTER
DEFENSE.
>> IT HAS BEEN A GOOD SEASON.
WHERE IS THE BIRTHDAY BOY.
LITTLE ERNIE.
>> THAT'S ME.
I'M ERNIE.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY.
>> SO -- DO YOU WANT -- SHOULD
WE WAIT FOR EVERYONE TO SHOW UP.
>> NO, IT'S JUST ME.
WHENEVER YOU'RE READY.
>> I'M SORRY.
BEFORE I START, I'M WONDERING
WHY --
>> I HAVE TO TAKE MY MIND OFF
SOME STUFF.
>> YEAH.
OKAY.
SURE.
YEAH.
I'M JUST GOING TO DO IT.
♪♪♪
>> HEY, KIDS.
ARE YOU READY FOR DO DO THE
CLOWN?
>> UH-HUH.
>> I CAN'T HEAR YOU.
>> YEAH, I'M READY.
>> NOW HERE COMES DO DO!
>> CUTE.
>> HEY, KIDS.
DO YOU REMEMBER MY NAME?
>> DO DO.
>> AND WHAT'S YOUR NAME,
BIRTHDAY BOY?
>> ERNIE SULLIVAN.
>> HOW OLD ARE YOU TURNING
TODAY?
>> I'M 53.
>> WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?
>> UM, I DON'T KNOW.
>> OKAY.
UM, BOY I SURE AM HUNGRY.
I HOPE I GOT A SNACK!
>> THAT'S PRETTY FUNNY.
HERE YOU GO.
>> YOU GIVING ME A TIP?
>> YOU WANT ME TO WAIT UNTIL
AFTER.
>> THERE IS NO PROTOCOL FOR
WHATEVER THIS IS.
>> GO AHEAD.
EXCUSE ME.
>> YOU WANT ME TO STOP AND WAIT?
>> NO, I CAN SEE FROM HERE.
KEEP GOING.
HEY, CAN YOU GET THAT?
>> WE ARE HERE FOR LITTLE
ERNIE'S BIRTHDAY PARTY.
>> YOU DON'T WANT THIS.
I THINK I SHOULD GO TOO.
>> YEAH, MAN.
LISTEN, I'M SORRY.
I TRY TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT
FOR MY BIRTHDAY.
IT GOT WEIRD.
>> NO.
IT'S OKAY.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
>> THANK YOU.
CAN YOU COME INTO THE KITCHEN
FOR A MINUTE?
>> YEAH.
WHAT'S UP.
>> I'M GOING TO CHOP YOU UP IN
LITTLE PIECES AND PUT YOU IN THE
FRIDGE.
>> SEEMS ABO
♪♪♪
>>> SO LONG AS MEN CAN BREATHE
OR I CAN SEE, SO LONG LIVE THIS
AND THIS GIVES LIFE TO THEE.
SECTIONAL COUCHES.
♪♪♪
WHEN I WAS A LITTLE BOY MY
GRANDMOTHER BOUGHT ME A NEW
COUCH.
I LOOKED AT IT AND I SAID WHERE
IS THE REST OF IT?
THAT'S THE FIRST OF MANY STORIES
YOU ARE GOING TO HEAR.
THIS IS GOING TO BE LONG.
WHAT IF I TOLD YOU THAT WHERE
MOST PEOPLE'S COUCHES END, YOURS
CAN BEND AND KEEP GOING?
♪♪♪
WOW.
KING ME.
NOTHING LIKE IT.
LEGEND HAS IT THAT, IN ANCIENT
ROME, THE EMPEROR ASKED FOR A
VERY LONG COUCH.
ONE THAT WOULD STRETCH TO
INFINITY.
BUT, WHEN THEY BOUGHT THEM THE
COUCH, HE GAZED AT IT AND
POWERFULLY SAID, "WELL THAT'S
NOT GOING TO FIT."
SO, THEY PUT A BEND IN IT, AND
THEY BUILT IT IN SECTIONS.
♪♪♪
[ SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE ]
>> HI.
♪♪♪
>> THIS ONE'S CALLED THE "BAD
LANDS."
GOD KNOWS WHAT IT'S STUCK WITH.
EACH [ INAUDIBLE ] BOUFF
UNFOLDING AND UNFOLDING FOR
ETERNITY.
THIS ONE'S CALLED "THE
GATHERING."
IT LOOKS LIKE ELEPHANTS GATHERED
FOR AN IMPORTANT [ INAUDIBLE ].
IT HAS A PHONE CHARGER AND
ELECTRICITY RUNS THROUGH IT.
REST YOUR TIRED HEAD IN THE
BOSOM OF THIS ROBUST GODDESS.
DRINK OF MILK?
IF YOU DON'T HAVE THIS ONE, LET
ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
THESE ARE ALL MADE ON EARTH.
BUT, ALL THESE COUCHES ARE
NOTHING COMPARED TO WHAT I'M
GOING TO TALK ABOUT RIGHT NOW.
LISTEN HAD TO ME SPEAK.
THERE WAS ONCE A WOMAN NAMED
BARB SOMEWHERE IN RACINE,
WISCONSIN.
SHE WENT TO A COUCH STORE AND
SHE SAID --
>> BIGGER.
>> SO THEY SHOWED HER A BIGGER
ONE AND SHE SAID --
>> NO, BIGGER!
>> AND THEN THEY SHOWED BARB A
COUCH BIGGER THAN ANY OTHER
THING ON EARTH!
♪♪♪
AND SHE SAID --
>> YES!
YES!
I'LL TAKE IT!
THIS PIECE IS CALLED "THE
NEXUS."
IT IS THE EYE OF THE STORM.
THE REST OF THE SECTIONAL IS
BORN FROM THIS POINT, AND THAT
IS HOW THEY'RE MADE.
PERIOD.
♪♪♪
I USED TO HAVE A FAMILY.
WIFE SITS ON A COUCH HERE, THEN
SITS ON A COUCH THERE.
I LONGED TO CONNECT THEM.
SO, I BOUGHT MY FIRST SECTIONAL.
THEN I BOUGHT ANOTHER, AND
ANOTHER.
THEN A WAREHOUSE TO STORE THEM,
AND THEN A STOREFRONT TO SHOW
THEM TO THE PEOPLE THROUGH THE
WINDOWS.
THEN HE CAME IN AND ASKED HOW
MUCH ARE THEY?
I REPLIED, "GET OFF MY PROPERTY.
THESE ARE NOT FOR SALE."
AND THIS IS NOT A COMMERCIAL.
I GOT THIS AIR TIME TO SAY
PLEASE LET ME BE.
THIS IS NOT A COMMERCIAL.
GOOD NIGHT.
>> SECTIONAL SOFA EMPORIUM,
8259, SODA STREET.
NOT OPEN TO THE PUBLIC.
NOT A BUSINESS.
♪♪♪
>> ONCE AGAIN, THE CHAIN
SMOKERS.
♪♪♪
♪♪♪
HOW CAN I HELP IT IF I LIKE THE
WAY SHE MAKES ME FEEL ♪♪♪
♪ GIVE ME TIME, GIVE ME SPACE,
GIVE ME REASON ♪♪♪
12340E9 THAT'S WHAT YOU TELL ME
WHEN YOU ARE LEAVING.
CHANGE YOUR MIND EVERY NIGHT ♪♪♪
♪ YOU ARE INSATIABLE AND I KNOW
YOU SAY YOU WANT IT NOW ♪♪♪
♪ GIVE ME THE RUN AROUND ♪♪♪
♪ WHICH ONE CAN HELP ME NOW ♪♪♪
♪ SHE HAS SEVEN PERSONALITIES
AND EVERY ONE A TRAGEDY ♪♪♪
♪ SHE WANTS EVERY NIGHT ♪♪♪
♪ SHE FINALLY DECIDES TO
FINISH ♪♪♪
♪ SHE WANTS EVERY NIGHT ♪♪♪
♪ HOW CAN I HELP IT IF I LIKE
THE WAY SHE MAKES ME FEEL ♪♪♪
♪ TIME AND YOU ARE FOR REAL.
YOU ARE THE REAL WORLD ♪♪♪
♪ CHECK MY PHONE ♪♪♪
♪ I KIND OF LOVE IT THOUGH ♪♪♪
♪ I KNOW YOU SAY YOU NEED ME
NOW ♪♪♪
♪ GIVE ME THE RUN AROUND ♪♪♪
♪ WHICH ONE CAN HELP IT NOW ♪♪♪
♪ SHE HAS SEVEN PERSONALITIES
AND EVERY ONE'S A TRAGEDY.
SHE WANTS TO BREAK UP EVERY
NIGHT ♪♪♪
♪ DON'T WANT TO WAIT UNTIL SHE
FINALLY DECIDES TO FINISH ♪♪♪
♪ TRIES TO BRING ME BACK TO
LIFE ♪♪♪
♪ HOW CAN I HELP IT IF I LIKE
THE WAY SHE MAKES ME FEEL ♪♪♪
♪ SHE WANTS EVERY NIGHT ♪♪♪
♪ DON'T WANT TO WAIT TILL SHE
FINALLY DECIDES TO FINISH ♪♪♪
♪
>> THE BRIDGE IS UP ♪♪♪
♪ THE BRIDGE IS UP ♪♪♪
♪ THE BRIDGE IS UP AND THE
BRIDGE IS UP AGAIN ♪♪♪
♪ THE BRIDGE IS UP AGAIN ♪♪♪
♪ SHE WANTS TO PRACTICE EVERY
NIGHT SHE WANTS EVERY NIGHT ♪♪♪
♪ DON'T WANT TO WAIT UNTIL SHE
FINALLY DECIDES TO FINISH.
SHE WANTS TO PRACTICE EVERY
NIGHT ♪♪♪
♪ THAT'S A FEELING EVERY
NIGHT ♪♪♪
♪ HOW CAN I HELP IT IF I LIKE
THE WAY SHE MAKES ME FEEL ♪♪♪
♪
>> OKAY, SQUEEZE ON IN HERE
GUYS.
OUR NEXT STOP ON THE MUSEUM TOUR
IS THIS APARTMENT WHICH APPEARS
EXACTLY AS IT WOULD HAVE IN
1913.
>> OKAY, PAY ATTENTION, GUYS.
SOME OF THIS IS GOING TO BE ON
THE QUIZ.
>> NOW, THIS WAS THE HOME OF THE
LINZOWSKY'S, THE WORKING CLASS
FAMILY FROM POLAND AND TO HELP
US UNDERSTAND WHAT IT WAS LIKE
FOR THEM IN THE STRANGE NEW LAND
OF AMERICA, A GROUP OF
HISTORICALLY TRAINED ACTORS WILL
BE JOINING US TO BRING THE
LINZWSKY'S BACK TO LIFE.
IN FACT, I THINK I HEAR THEM
NOW.
♪♪♪
>> MY DARLING AVA.
FOR 16 HOURS TODAY, I'LL
BREAK MY HANDS IN FACTORY.
I CAN AFFORD TO BRING HOME
CABBAGE FORKS, WE SHOULD HAVE
[INAUDIBLE].
WE SHOULD HAVE STAYED IN POLAND.
>> MICHAEL, OUR BODIES WILL HAVE
TO BE FILLED WITH LOVE.
FOOD WILL BE A LUXURY FOR THE
NEXT GENERATION.
>> AWE, THEY CAME HERE FOR THEIR
CHILDREN.
>>
>> I WISH I COULD BRING HOME
MORE MONEY --.
THERE ARE NO GOOD JOBS.
THEY HAVE ALL BEEN TAKEN BY THE
FILTHY GREASE BALL ITALIANS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WHAT DID HE SAY?
>> MITCHELL!
SHAME ON YOU.
IT'S NOT THEIR FAULT THEY ARE
GREASY.
THAT'S JUST HOW GOD MADE THEM.
>> WELL, DID GOD ALSO MAKE THEM
ALL HORNY, KNUCKLE DRAGGING,
MONKEY GRINDERS?
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> I'M NOT SURE THIS IS OKAY FOR
MY STUDENTS TO HEAR.
>> OH, NO, NO.
I ASSURE YOU THIS CONVERSATION
IS 100% HISTORICALLY ACCURATE.
>> MITCHELL, NO MORE TALK OF
ITALIAN.
>> I DON'T LIKE TO SEE YOU UPSET
OVER THIS CROTCH GRABBING LIAR
WHO ARE NOT EVEN REALLY WHITE
PEOPLE.
>> OKAY, PLEASE.
SIT AND RELAX AND EAT.
>> GOOD, NOW LOOK AT THE BULLS
MRS. LINDOWSKY IS USING.
SOMETHING LIKE THAT WOULD BE A
TREASURED FAMILY HEIRLOOM.
>> COOL.
WHAT'S UP WITH THE ITALIAN
STUFF?
>> HEY, LET'S JUST WAIT UNTIL
THE SCENE IS DONE FOR QUESTIONS.
>> LET ME ASK YOU, HOW DO YOU
BRAIN WASH AN ITALIAN?
>> HOW, MITCHELL?
>> YOU GIVE HIM AN ENEMA.
>> THAT MAKES SENSE.
AND MITCHELL, DO YOU KNOW WHY
ITALY IS SHAPED LIKE A BOOT?
>> WHY, MY LOVE?
DO YOU THINK THEY CAN FIT THAT
MUCH CRAP INTO A TENNIS SHOE?
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> THAT IS VERY TRUE, REALLY.
>> SORRY.
ARE THEY JUST TELLING ITALIAN
JOKES?
>> YES.
>> I MUST GO OR I WILL BE LATE
FOR MY NIGHT SHIFT AT THE
FACTORY.
>> YOU WORK SO HARD, MITCHELL.
>> I WORK HARD IN FACTORY SO
THAT SOME DAY OUR CHILDREN WILL
BE BOSS OF FACTORY AND THEN --
THEY WILL HIRE HALF WIT, RAT
FACES AND WORK THEM TO DEATH AT
THE MACHINES.
THIS IS MY DREAM.
>> AMAZING.
LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE
LINDOWSKY'S.
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> FEELS KIND OF WEIRD CLAPPING
FOR THAT BUT ALL RIGHT.
>> NOW, MAGICALLY THE
LINDOWSKY'S CAN HEAR YOU ALL THE
WAY BACK IN 1913.
SO WOULD ANYONE LIKE TO ASK THEM
A QUESTION?
>> HI.
UM, YOU SAY GREASE BALL IS IT
BECAUSE THE FOOD IS GREASY OR
THEY ARE?
>> PLEASE DON'T ANSWER THAT.
ANYONE ELSE?
>> I HAVE A QUESTION.
>> HE HAS CHOCOLATE FACE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> AND YOU JUST ANSWERED IT.
>> ACTUALLY, I HAVE A QUESTION
FOR MRS. LINDOWSKY.
THAT CONTRAPTION THERE, I DON'T
KNOW WHAT IT IS.
CAN YOU TELL ME ABOUT IT?
>> YES, THIS IS FOR TO DRY
CLOTHES.
YOU PUT THE WET FABRIC HERE AND
YOU TURN AND LEAVE IT LIKE THIS.
ONE BED SHEET, THREE HOURS.
WOW.
A LOT HARDER THAN JUST TOSSING
YOUR CLOTHES IN THE DRIER, HUH?
>> BUT IT WILL NOT ALWAYS BE
THIS WAY FOR MY WIFE.
I WORK HARD AND I SAVE MONEY.
AND ONE DAY, GOD WILLING, I
HIRED CHOCOLATE LADY TO DO THIS
FOR ME.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> NOPE.
>> YEAH, WE'RE LEAVING.
>> I WANT TO SAY DON RICKLES WAS
THE FUNNIEST MAN IN THE WORLD
AND HE WAS A LOVELY BEAUTIFUL
GUY AND I WILL MISS HIM FOR THE
REST OF MY LIFE.
AND I WANT TO THANK ALEC
BALDWIN.
AND EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
♪♪♪