Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 4, Episode 8 - Eric Idle/Kate Bush - full transcript

HI, WELCOME TO CABLE TV

CHANNEL D.

THIS IS "TELEPSYCHIC."

MY NAME IS RAY, AND I'LL BE

TAKING YOUR CALLS TODAY.

HERE'S THE NUMBERS... 555-1231,

2, 3, 4 AND 5.

OUR LINES ARE OPEN.

ASK ME ABOUT ANYTHING TODAY...

ABOUT LIFE, JOBS, MONEY, LOVE...

ANYTHING AT ALL.



I'LL PREDICT FOR YOU.

HELLO, TELEPSYCHIC.

YEAH, YEAH.
I LOST MY JOB AND I NEED SOME
MONEY.

I LOST MY JOB AND I NEED SOME
MONEY.
UH, AM I GONNA GET SOME MONEY

MONEY.
UH, AM I GONNA GET SOME MONEY
SOON AND GET A NEW JOB?

UH, AM I GONNA GET SOME MONEY
SOON AND GET A NEW JOB?
OKAY, UH, YES.

SOON AND GET A NEW JOB?
OKAY, UH, YES.
IN A WEEK, SOMEBODY WILL GIVE

OKAY, UH, YES.
IN A WEEK, SOMEBODY WILL GIVE
YOU SOME MONEY AND YOU'LL GET

IN A WEEK, SOMEBODY WILL GIVE
YOU SOME MONEY AND YOU'LL GET
A NEW JOB IN, OH, ABOUT A MONTH,

YOU SOME MONEY AND YOU'LL GET
A NEW JOB IN, OH, ABOUT A MONTH,
OKAY?

A NEW JOB IN, OH, ABOUT A MONTH,
OKAY?
OKAY, THANK YOU, RAY.

OKAY?
OKAY, THANK YOU, RAY.
OKAY.

OKAY, THANK YOU, RAY.
OKAY.
HELLO. TELEPSYCHIC.

OKAY.
HELLO. TELEPSYCHIC.
YEAH, MY GIRLFRIEND WON'T GO



HELLO. TELEPSYCHIC.
YEAH, MY GIRLFRIEND WON'T GO
OUT WITH ME ANYMORE, BUT I DON'T

YEAH, MY GIRLFRIEND WON'T GO
OUT WITH ME ANYMORE, BUT I DON'T
CARE, 'CAUSE WE'VE BEEN GOING

OUT WITH ME ANYMORE, BUT I DON'T
CARE, 'CAUSE WE'VE BEEN GOING
OUT FOR A LONG TIME, ANYWAY, AND

CARE, 'CAUSE WE'VE BEEN GOING
OUT FOR A LONG TIME, ANYWAY, AND
I'D LIKE TO FIND SOMEBODY NEW.

OUT FOR A LONG TIME, ANYWAY, AND
I'D LIKE TO FIND SOMEBODY NEW.
BUT DO YOU THINK SHE MIGHT COME

I'D LIKE TO FIND SOMEBODY NEW.
BUT DO YOU THINK SHE MIGHT COME
BACK TO ME ANYWAY?

BUT DO YOU THINK SHE MIGHT COME
BACK TO ME ANYWAY?
UH, NO.

BACK TO ME ANYWAY?
UH, NO.
UH, YES. YES.

UH, NO.
UH, YES. YES.
I PREDICT YOU'LL GO OUT WITH

UH, YES. YES.
I PREDICT YOU'LL GO OUT WITH
SOMEONE NEW FOR A WHILE.

I PREDICT YOU'LL GO OUT WITH
SOMEONE NEW FOR A WHILE.
FOR HOW LONG, DO YOU THINK?

SOMEONE NEW FOR A WHILE.
FOR HOW LONG, DO YOU THINK?
OH, ABOUT A MONTH OR SO,

FOR HOW LONG, DO YOU THINK?
OH, ABOUT A MONTH OR SO,
AND THEN YOUR OLD GIRLFRIEND

OH, ABOUT A MONTH OR SO,
AND THEN YOUR OLD GIRLFRIEND
WILL COME BACK TO YOU, AND

AND THEN YOUR OLD GIRLFRIEND
WILL COME BACK TO YOU, AND
YOU'LL BE TOGETHER AGAIN FOR

WILL COME BACK TO YOU, AND
YOU'LL BE TOGETHER AGAIN FOR
ABOUT A MONTH, OKAY?

YOU'LL BE TOGETHER AGAIN FOR
ABOUT A MONTH, OKAY?
OKAY.

ABOUT A MONTH, OKAY?
OKAY.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

OKAY.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
HELLO. TELEPSYCHIC.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
HELLO. TELEPSYCHIC.
AM I ON?

HELLO. TELEPSYCHIC.
AM I ON?
YEAH, YOU'RE ON THE AIR.

AM I ON?
YEAH, YOU'RE ON THE AIR.
GO AHEAD.

YEAH, YOU'RE ON THE AIR.
GO AHEAD.
MY SISTER WANTS TO TAKE SOME

GO AHEAD.
MY SISTER WANTS TO TAKE SOME
BUTTER AND...

HELLO. TELEPSYCHIC.
HI, I HAVE A SICK FRIEND, AND
I WANT TO KNOW IS SHE GONNA GET

HI, I HAVE A SICK FRIEND, AND
I WANT TO KNOW IS SHE GONNA GET
BETTER, AND WHEN.

I WANT TO KNOW IS SHE GONNA GET
BETTER, AND WHEN.
UH, OKAY.

BETTER, AND WHEN.
UH, OKAY.
UH, YES.

UH, OKAY.
UH, YES.
SHE'S GONNA GET BETTER.

UH, YES.
SHE'S GONNA GET BETTER.
AND I FEEL THAT SHE SHOULD GET

SHE'S GONNA GET BETTER.
AND I FEEL THAT SHE SHOULD GET
BETTER IN, OH, ABOUT A COUPLE OF

AND I FEEL THAT SHE SHOULD GET
BETTER IN, OH, ABOUT A COUPLE OF
MONTHS, OKAY?

BETTER IN, OH, ABOUT A COUPLE OF
MONTHS, OKAY?
YEAH?

MONTHS, OKAY?
YEAH?
WELL, I DON'T GOT NO SICK

YEAH?
WELL, I DON'T GOT NO SICK
FRIEND.

WELL, I DON'T GOT NO SICK
FRIEND.
I JUST MADE THAT UP!

FRIEND.
I JUST MADE THAT UP!
I DON'T GOT NO SICK FRIEND.

I JUST MADE THAT UP!
I DON'T GOT NO SICK FRIEND.
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT?

I DON'T GOT NO SICK FRIEND.
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT?
I THINK YOU'RE SICK.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT?
I THINK YOU'RE SICK.
WHAT?!

I THINK YOU'RE SICK.
WHAT?!
I PREDICT YOU'RE THE ONE

WHAT?!
I PREDICT YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO'S GONNA GET SICK.

I PREDICT YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO'S GONNA GET SICK.
I'M GONNA GET SICK?!

WHO'S GONNA GET SICK.
I'M GONNA GET SICK?!
UH, YES, I FEEL YOU HAVE A

I'M GONNA GET SICK?!
UH, YES, I FEEL YOU HAVE A
LUMP... A CLOT IN YOUR BACK, AND

UH, YES, I FEEL YOU HAVE A
LUMP... A CLOT IN YOUR BACK, AND
IT'S MOVING, GROWING, AND

LUMP... A CLOT IN YOUR BACK, AND
IT'S MOVING, GROWING, AND
MOVING, MOVING UP INTO YOUR

IT'S MOVING, GROWING, AND
MOVING, MOVING UP INTO YOUR
NECK.

MOVING, MOVING UP INTO YOUR
NECK.
WELL, WILL IT GO AWAY?

NECK.
WELL, WILL IT GO AWAY?
AM I GONNA GET BETTER?

WELL, WILL IT GO AWAY?
AM I GONNA GET BETTER?
NO. NO. DEFINITELY NOT.

AM I GONNA GET BETTER?
NO. NO. DEFINITELY NOT.
NO? COME ON!

NO. NO. DEFINITELY NOT.
NO? COME ON!
NO, NO, IT'S GONNA MOVE INTO

NO? COME ON!
NO, NO, IT'S GONNA MOVE INTO
YOUR NECK AND CHOKE YOU, OKAY?

NO, NO, IT'S GONNA MOVE INTO
YOUR NECK AND CHOKE YOU, OKAY?
OKAY. THANK YOU.

YOUR NECK AND CHOKE YOU, OKAY?
OKAY. THANK YOU.
OKAY.

OKAY. THANK YOU.
OKAY.
HELLO. TELEPSYCHIC.

OKAY.
HELLO. TELEPSYCHIC.
HELLO.

HELLO. TELEPSYCHIC.
HELLO.
LISTEN, MY FAVORITE SHOW IS

HELLO.
LISTEN, MY FAVORITE SHOW IS
"SATURDAY NIGHT," AND I WAS

LISTEN, MY FAVORITE SHOW IS
"SATURDAY NIGHT," AND I WAS
WONDERING IF YOU COULD TELL ME

"SATURDAY NIGHT," AND I WAS
WONDERING IF YOU COULD TELL ME
HOW THEY'RE GONNA START THE SHOW

WONDERING IF YOU COULD TELL ME
HOW THEY'RE GONNA START THE SHOW
THIS WEEK?

HOW THEY'RE GONNA START THE SHOW
THIS WEEK?
UH, OKAY.

THIS WEEK?
UH, OKAY.
"LIVE, FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

UH, OKAY.
"LIVE, FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT."

"LIVE, FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT."
[BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE."
WITH ERIC IDLE.

STARRING DAN AYKROYD...
JOHN BELUSHI...
JANE CURTIN...

JOHN BELUSHI...
JANE CURTIN...
GARRETT MORRIS...

JANE CURTIN...
GARRETT MORRIS...
BILL MURRAY...

GARRETT MORRIS...
BILL MURRAY...
LARAINE NEWMAN...

BILL MURRAY...
LARAINE NEWMAN...
AND GILDA RADNER.

LARAINE NEWMAN...
AND GILDA RADNER.
WITH MUSICAL GUEST KATE BUSH

AND GILDA RADNER.
WITH MUSICAL GUEST KATE BUSH
AND A SPECIAL REPORT FROM

WITH MUSICAL GUEST KATE BUSH
AND A SPECIAL REPORT FROM
FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI.

AND A SPECIAL REPORT FROM
FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ERIC IDLE!

FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ERIC IDLE!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HELLO.
EVENING.
NICE TO BE BACK.

EVENING.
NICE TO BE BACK.
[SNIFFS]

NICE TO BE BACK.
[SNIFFS]
[LAUGHTER]

[SNIFFS]
[LAUGHTER]
[WHISTLING]

[LAUGHTER]
[WHISTLING]
SORRY ABOUT THIS.

[WHISTLING]
SORRY ABOUT THIS.
WON'T BE A MINUTE NOW, YOU KNOW.

SORRY ABOUT THIS.
WON'T BE A MINUTE NOW, YOU KNOW.
JUST... JUST WAITING FOR THE

WON'T BE A MINUTE NOW, YOU KNOW.
JUST... JUST WAITING FOR THE
OPENING MONOLOGUE.

JUST... JUST WAITING FOR THE
OPENING MONOLOGUE.
THEY DO A LOT OF THINGS AT THE

OPENING MONOLOGUE.
THEY DO A LOT OF THINGS AT THE
LAST MINUTE ON THIS SHOW, YOU

THEY DO A LOT OF THINGS AT THE
LAST MINUTE ON THIS SHOW, YOU
KNOW, AND SOMETIMES A LITTLE BIT

LAST MINUTE ON THIS SHOW, YOU
KNOW, AND SOMETIMES A LITTLE BIT
LATER THAN THE LAST MINUTE.

KNOW, AND SOMETIMES A LITTLE BIT
LATER THAN THE LAST MINUTE.
AND THE THING IS, THE WRITERS

LATER THAN THE LAST MINUTE.
AND THE THING IS, THE WRITERS
ARE JUST... JUST WORKING ON THIS

AND THE THING IS, THE WRITERS
ARE JUST... JUST WORKING ON THIS
MONOLOGUE THAT THEY'RE GONNA

ARE JUST... JUST WORKING ON THIS
MONOLOGUE THAT THEY'RE GONNA
GIVE ME TO DO TO OPEN THE SHOW

MONOLOGUE THAT THEY'RE GONNA
GIVE ME TO DO TO OPEN THE SHOW
WITH.

GIVE ME TO DO TO OPEN THE SHOW
WITH.
IT'S VERY IMPORTANT, YOU KNOW,

WITH.
IT'S VERY IMPORTANT, YOU KNOW,
WHEN YOU'RE DOING A LIVE SHOW TO

IT'S VERY IMPORTANT, YOU KNOW,
WHEN YOU'RE DOING A LIVE SHOW TO
HAVE SOMETHING REALLY FUNNY TO

WHEN YOU'RE DOING A LIVE SHOW TO
HAVE SOMETHING REALLY FUNNY TO
COME ON WITH AND GET THE WHOLE

HAVE SOMETHING REALLY FUNNY TO
COME ON WITH AND GET THE WHOLE
SHOW OFF TO A GOOD START.

COME ON WITH AND GET THE WHOLE
SHOW OFF TO A GOOD START.
OTHERWISE, YOU KNOW, IT CAN GO

SHOW OFF TO A GOOD START.
OTHERWISE, YOU KNOW, IT CAN GO
INTO THE DUMPER RIGHT FROM THE

OTHERWISE, YOU KNOW, IT CAN GO
INTO THE DUMPER RIGHT FROM THE
START.

INTO THE DUMPER RIGHT FROM THE
START.
[LAUGHTER]

START.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU KNOW HOW IT CAN GO INTO THE

[LAUGHTER]
YOU KNOW HOW IT CAN GO INTO THE
DUMPER AT THE START.

YOU KNOW HOW IT CAN GO INTO THE
DUMPER AT THE START.
[EXHALES]

DUMPER AT THE START.
[EXHALES]
ACTUALLY, THE WRITERS ARE

[EXHALES]
ACTUALLY, THE WRITERS ARE
WORKING ON IT AT THE MOMENT.

ACTUALLY, THE WRITERS ARE
WORKING ON IT AT THE MOMENT.
JUST RIGHT NOW.

WORKING ON IT AT THE MOMENT.
JUST RIGHT NOW.
I THINK THE THING IS THEY TAKE

JUST RIGHT NOW.
I THINK THE THING IS THEY TAKE
TOO MANY DRUGS.

I THINK THE THING IS THEY TAKE
TOO MANY DRUGS.
[LAUGHTER]

TOO MANY DRUGS.
[LAUGHTER]
Shh! DON'T SAY ANYTHING.

[LAUGHTER]
Shh! DON'T SAY ANYTHING.
DON'T SAY ANYTHING.

Shh! DON'T SAY ANYTHING.
DON'T SAY ANYTHING.
WELL, LOOK, I THINK I BETTER GO

DON'T SAY ANYTHING.
WELL, LOOK, I THINK I BETTER GO
AND FIND OUT WHAT'S GOING ON

WELL, LOOK, I THINK I BETTER GO
AND FIND OUT WHAT'S GOING ON
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, I'D REALLY

AND FIND OUT WHAT'S GOING ON
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, I'D REALLY
LIKE TO GET THE SHOW REALLY

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, I'D REALLY
LIKE TO GET THE SHOW REALLY
GOING, YOU KNOW?

LIKE TO GET THE SHOW REALLY
GOING, YOU KNOW?
LOTS OF BIG LAUGHS.

GOING, YOU KNOW?
LOTS OF BIG LAUGHS.
THEY SAID IT'S A VERY FUNNY

LOTS OF BIG LAUGHS.
THEY SAID IT'S A VERY FUNNY
MONOLOGUE, AND I'LL JUST GO AND

THEY SAID IT'S A VERY FUNNY
MONOLOGUE, AND I'LL JUST GO AND
FIND OUT WHERE IT IS.

MONOLOGUE, AND I'LL JUST GO AND
FIND OUT WHERE IT IS.
HOWARD, DO YOU THINK YOU

FIND OUT WHERE IT IS.
HOWARD, DO YOU THINK YOU
COULD JUST PLAY A BIT OF MUSIC

HOWARD, DO YOU THINK YOU
COULD JUST PLAY A BIT OF MUSIC
WHILST I GO AND JUST FIND LORNE,

COULD JUST PLAY A BIT OF MUSIC
WHILST I GO AND JUST FIND LORNE,
OKAY?

WHILST I GO AND JUST FIND LORNE,
OKAY?
I THINK HE'S... TRY THE

OKAY?
I THINK HE'S... TRY THE
CONTROL ROOM.

I THINK HE'S... TRY THE
CONTROL ROOM.
IF YOU JUST PLAY SOMETHING...

CONTROL ROOM.
IF YOU JUST PLAY SOMETHING...
WHY DON'T YOU PLAY SOMETHING

IF YOU JUST PLAY SOMETHING...
WHY DON'T YOU PLAY SOMETHING
LIKE... PLAY "MY LOVE."

WHY DON'T YOU PLAY SOMETHING
LIKE... PLAY "MY LOVE."
"MY LOVE DOES IT GOOD," OKAY?

LIKE... PLAY "MY LOVE."
"MY LOVE DOES IT GOOD," OKAY?
HOWARD SHORE PLAYS "MY LOVE."

"MY LOVE DOES IT GOOD," OKAY?
HOWARD SHORE PLAYS "MY LOVE."
OKAY? THANK YOU.

HOWARD SHORE PLAYS "MY LOVE."
OKAY? THANK YOU.
HAVE YOU SEEN LORNE?

OKAY? THANK YOU.
HAVE YOU SEEN LORNE?
EXCUSE ME, DO YOU KNOW WHERE

HAVE YOU SEEN LORNE?
EXCUSE ME, DO YOU KNOW WHERE
LORNE IS?

EXCUSE ME, DO YOU KNOW WHERE
LORNE IS?
HE'S IN THE CONTROL ROOM.

LORNE IS?
HE'S IN THE CONTROL ROOM.
RIGHT.

HE'S IN THE CONTROL ROOM.
RIGHT.
HI.

RIGHT.
HI.
SO, MARGIE SAYS, "I'VE

HI.
SO, MARGIE SAYS, "I'VE
ALREADY HAD MY BREAKFAST."

SO, MARGIE SAYS, "I'VE
ALREADY HAD MY BREAKFAST."
THAT'S FUNNY.

ALREADY HAD MY BREAKFAST."
THAT'S FUNNY.
[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S FUNNY.
[LAUGHTER]
SORRY, DAVE, DO YOU KNOW

[LAUGHTER]
SORRY, DAVE, DO YOU KNOW
WHERE LORNE IS?

SORRY, DAVE, DO YOU KNOW
WHERE LORNE IS?
OH, HE'S IN THE BACK

WHERE LORNE IS?
OH, HE'S IN THE BACK
SOMEPLACE GIVING AN INTERVIEW, I

OH, HE'S IN THE BACK
SOMEPLACE GIVING AN INTERVIEW, I
THINK.

SOMEPLACE GIVING AN INTERVIEW, I
THINK.
OH.

THINK.
OH.
I'VE GOT TO GO SEE HIM.

OH.
I'VE GOT TO GO SEE HIM.
OH, ERIC, I HAVE A NOTE FOR

I'VE GOT TO GO SEE HIM.
OH, ERIC, I HAVE A NOTE FOR
YOU.

OH, ERIC, I HAVE A NOTE FOR
YOU.
UM, YOU KNOW THE SCENE WHERE YOU

YOU.
UM, YOU KNOW THE SCENE WHERE YOU
PLAY THE PROFESSOR?

UM, YOU KNOW THE SCENE WHERE YOU
PLAY THE PROFESSOR?
YEAH.

PLAY THE PROFESSOR?
YEAH.
DO YOU THINK YOU COULD BE

YEAH.
DO YOU THINK YOU COULD BE
FUNNIER?

DO YOU THINK YOU COULD BE
FUNNIER?
FUNNY? YEAH, I'LL...

FUNNIER?
FUNNY? YEAH, I'LL...
FUNNIER.

FUNNY? YEAH, I'LL...
FUNNIER.
FUNNIER.

FUNNIER.
FUNNIER.
OKAY, I'LL BE FUNNIER.

FUNNIER.
OKAY, I'LL BE FUNNIER.
JUST A NOTE.

OKAY, I'LL BE FUNNIER.
JUST A NOTE.
OKAY. ALL RIGHT, DAVID.

JUST A NOTE.
OKAY. ALL RIGHT, DAVID.
I THINK OF ALL OF THE THINGS,

OKAY. ALL RIGHT, DAVID.
I THINK OF ALL OF THE THINGS,
I GUESS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING

I THINK OF ALL OF THE THINGS,
I GUESS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING
REALLY IS TIMING.

I GUESS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING
REALLY IS TIMING.
LORNE...

REALLY IS TIMING.
LORNE...
NOT NOW, ERIC.

LORNE...
NOT NOW, ERIC.
SORRY, I HAVE TO INTERRUPT

NOT NOW, ERIC.
SORRY, I HAVE TO INTERRUPT
BECAUSE DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE

SORRY, I HAVE TO INTERRUPT
BECAUSE DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE
WRITERS ARE?

BECAUSE DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE
WRITERS ARE?
THEY'RE PROBABLY IN THE

WRITERS ARE?
THEY'RE PROBABLY IN THE
WRITERS' LOUNGE.

THEY'RE PROBABLY IN THE
WRITERS' LOUNGE.
IT'S JUST DOWN THE HALL JUST TO

WRITERS' LOUNGE.
IT'S JUST DOWN THE HALL JUST TO
THE LEFT.

IT'S JUST DOWN THE HALL JUST TO
THE LEFT.
THING IS, I NEVER GOT THE

THE LEFT.
THING IS, I NEVER GOT THE
OPENING MONOLOGUE.

THING IS, I NEVER GOT THE
OPENING MONOLOGUE.
OH.

OPENING MONOLOGUE.
OH.
I'VE NOTHING FUNNY TO SAY.

OH.
I'VE NOTHING FUNNY TO SAY.
I'M JUST IN THE MIDDLE OF

I'VE NOTHING FUNNY TO SAY.
I'M JUST IN THE MIDDLE OF
THIS.

I'M JUST IN THE MIDDLE OF
THIS.
I... I...

THIS.
I... I...
WELL...

I... I...
WELL...
IT'S JUST DOWN ON THE LEFT.

WELL...
IT'S JUST DOWN ON THE LEFT.
THEY'RE IN THE LOUNGE.

IT'S JUST DOWN ON THE LEFT.
THEY'RE IN THE LOUNGE.
I WISH YOU'D MENTIONED IT TO ME

THEY'RE IN THE LOUNGE.
I WISH YOU'D MENTIONED IT TO ME
EARLIER.

I WISH YOU'D MENTIONED IT TO ME
EARLIER.
I'M SORRY.

EARLIER.
I'M SORRY.
IT JUST OCCURRED TO ME, YOU

I'M SORRY.
IT JUST OCCURRED TO ME, YOU
KNOW?

IT JUST OCCURRED TO ME, YOU
KNOW?
THAT WAS ERIC IDLE.

KNOW?
THAT WAS ERIC IDLE.
HI.

THAT WAS ERIC IDLE.
HI.
I THOUGHT THIS SKETCH HAD BEEN

HI.
I THOUGHT THIS SKETCH HAD BEEN
CUT.

I THOUGHT THIS SKETCH HAD BEEN
CUT.
HOW YOU DOING, ERIC?

CUT.
HOW YOU DOING, ERIC?
YEAH, THIS IS OUT.

HOW YOU DOING, ERIC?
YEAH, THIS IS OUT.
THIS IS OUT.

YEAH, THIS IS OUT.
THIS IS OUT.
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WRITERS,

THIS IS OUT.
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WRITERS,
ANYBODY?

HAVE YOU SEEN THE WRITERS,
ANYBODY?
OH, GOD.

ANYBODY?
OH, GOD.
I'M TELLING YOU, THE RECORD'S

OH, GOD.
I'M TELLING YOU, THE RECORD'S
GONNA BE...

I'M TELLING YOU, THE RECORD'S
GONNA BE...
HI, JOHN.

GONNA BE...
HI, JOHN.
ERIC, HOW YOU DOING?

HI, JOHN.
ERIC, HOW YOU DOING?
I'M DOING FINE, THANKS.

ERIC, HOW YOU DOING?
I'M DOING FINE, THANKS.
OKAY, I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.

I'M DOING FINE, THANKS.
OKAY, I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.
HOW YOU DOING, ERIC?

OKAY, I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.
HOW YOU DOING, ERIC?
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WRITERS?

HOW YOU DOING, ERIC?
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WRITERS?
YOU HOSTING THE SHOW?

HAVE YOU SEEN THE WRITERS?
YOU HOSTING THE SHOW?
I'M HOSTING IT RIGHT NOW.

YOU HOSTING THE SHOW?
I'M HOSTING IT RIGHT NOW.
I'M SUPPOSED TO BE DOING THE

I'M HOSTING IT RIGHT NOW.
I'M SUPPOSED TO BE DOING THE
MONOLOGUE.

I'M SUPPOSED TO BE DOING THE
MONOLOGUE.
I'M A BIT LATE.

MONOLOGUE.
I'M A BIT LATE.
WELL, THE WRITERS... THEY

I'M A BIT LATE.
WELL, THE WRITERS... THEY
DON'T TALK TO ME ANYMORE.

WELL, THE WRITERS... THEY
DON'T TALK TO ME ANYMORE.
NO?

DON'T TALK TO ME ANYMORE.
NO?
THEY DON'T WRITE ME INTO

NO?
THEY DON'T WRITE ME INTO
ANYTHING ANYMORE.

THEY DON'T WRITE ME INTO
ANYTHING ANYMORE.
THEY'RE JEALOUS, LIKE ALL THE

ANYTHING ANYMORE.
THEY'RE JEALOUS, LIKE ALL THE
REST OF THEM.

THEY'RE JEALOUS, LIKE ALL THE
REST OF THEM.
THEY'RE JEALOUS.

REST OF THEM.
THEY'RE JEALOUS.
THE WRITERS, THEY'RE NEXT DOOR.

THEY'RE JEALOUS.
THE WRITERS, THEY'RE NEXT DOOR.
THEY'RE NEXT DOOR.

THE WRITERS, THEY'RE NEXT DOOR.
THEY'RE NEXT DOOR.
OKAY.

THEY'RE NEXT DOOR.
OKAY.
DON'T YOU WANT TO TALK?

OKAY.
DON'T YOU WANT TO TALK?
NO, I CAN'T TALK NOW.

DON'T YOU WANT TO TALK?
NO, I CAN'T TALK NOW.
OH, GOD.

NO, I CAN'T TALK NOW.
OH, GOD.
[INDIAN MUSIC PLAYS]

OH, GOD.
[INDIAN MUSIC PLAYS]
[LAUGHTER]

[INDIAN MUSIC PLAYS]
[LAUGHTER]
HELLO?

[LAUGHTER]
HELLO?
HELLO?

HELLO?
HELLO?
DOES ANY... DOES ANYBODY GOT THE

HELLO?
DOES ANY... DOES ANYBODY GOT THE
OPENING MONOLOGUE?

DOES ANY... DOES ANYBODY GOT THE
OPENING MONOLOGUE?
THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

OPENING MONOLOGUE?
THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
OH, GOD.

THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
OH, GOD.
PLEASE BE ADVISED THAT

OH, GOD.
PLEASE BE ADVISED THAT
FRED SILVERMAN'S DISCO BARBECUE

PLEASE BE ADVISED THAT
FRED SILVERMAN'S DISCO BARBECUE
AT THE HOME OF FRED SILVERMAN

FRED SILVERMAN'S DISCO BARBECUE
AT THE HOME OF FRED SILVERMAN
HAS BEEN CANCELED.

AT THE HOME OF FRED SILVERMAN
HAS BEEN CANCELED.
OH, HI, ERIC.

HAS BEEN CANCELED.
OH, HI, ERIC.
HI, GILDA.

OH, HI, ERIC.
HI, GILDA.
I HEARD THE MONOLOG WENT

HI, GILDA.
I HEARD THE MONOLOG WENT
GREAT.

I HEARD THE MONOLOG WENT
GREAT.
I HAVEN'T DONE IT YET.

GREAT.
I HAVEN'T DONE IT YET.
I NEVER GOT THE SCRIPT.

I HAVEN'T DONE IT YET.
I NEVER GOT THE SCRIPT.
YOU DIDN'T?

I NEVER GOT THE SCRIPT.
YOU DIDN'T?
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU GO OUT THERE

YOU DIDN'T?
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU GO OUT THERE
AND AD-LIB IT OR SOMETHING?

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU GO OUT THERE
AND AD-LIB IT OR SOMETHING?
I MEAN, THEY MUST BE WAITING.

AND AD-LIB IT OR SOMETHING?
I MEAN, THEY MUST BE WAITING.
I DON'T DO THAT.

I MEAN, THEY MUST BE WAITING.
I DON'T DO THAT.
WELL, COME ON.

I DON'T DO THAT.
WELL, COME ON.
YOU'RE A REAL FUNNY GUY.

WELL, COME ON.
YOU'RE A REAL FUNNY GUY.
YOU CAN AD-LIB IT. GO ON.

YOU'RE A REAL FUNNY GUY.
YOU CAN AD-LIB IT. GO ON.
I MEAN, WHY DO YOU THINK WE'VE

YOU CAN AD-LIB IT. GO ON.
I MEAN, WHY DO YOU THINK WE'VE
HAD YOU ON THE SHOW HOSTING SO

I MEAN, WHY DO YOU THINK WE'VE
HAD YOU ON THE SHOW HOSTING SO
MANY TIMES?

HAD YOU ON THE SHOW HOSTING SO
MANY TIMES?
'CAUSE I'M A FRIEND OF

MANY TIMES?
'CAUSE I'M A FRIEND OF
LORNE'S.

'CAUSE I'M A FRIEND OF
LORNE'S.
I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT.

LORNE'S.
I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT.
YEAH.

I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT.
YEAH.
WELL, HURRY UP. GO ON.

YEAH.
WELL, HURRY UP. GO ON.
ERIC, WHERE ARE YOU?

WELL, HURRY UP. GO ON.
ERIC, WHERE ARE YOU?
WHY AREN'T YOU ONSTAGE?

ERIC, WHERE ARE YOU?
WHY AREN'T YOU ONSTAGE?
I'M SUPPOSED TO BE ON.

WHY AREN'T YOU ONSTAGE?
I'M SUPPOSED TO BE ON.
WHY AREN'T YOU OUT THERE JUST

I'M SUPPOSED TO BE ON.
WHY AREN'T YOU OUT THERE JUST
DOING SOMETHING?

WHY AREN'T YOU OUT THERE JUST
DOING SOMETHING?
I DON'T HAVE THE MONOLOGUE.

DOING SOMETHING?
I DON'T HAVE THE MONOLOGUE.
YOU NUT. YOU'RE FUNNY.

I DON'T HAVE THE MONOLOGUE.
YOU NUT. YOU'RE FUNNY.
NOW, GO OUT THERE AND BE FUNNY.

YOU NUT. YOU'RE FUNNY.
NOW, GO OUT THERE AND BE FUNNY.
YOU'RE A MANIAC.

NOW, GO OUT THERE AND BE FUNNY.
YOU'RE A MANIAC.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YOU'RE A MANIAC.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
LISTEN HERE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
LISTEN HERE.
YOU'RE A FUNNY MAN.

LISTEN HERE.
YOU'RE A FUNNY MAN.
I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY.

YOU'RE A FUNNY MAN.
I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY.
GOD GAVE YOU AN INCREDIBLE

I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY.
GOD GAVE YOU AN INCREDIBLE
GIFT.

GOD GAVE YOU AN INCREDIBLE
GIFT.
YOU CAN BE FUNNY WITH ANYTHING

GIFT.
YOU CAN BE FUNNY WITH ANYTHING
YOU SAY.

YOU CAN BE FUNNY WITH ANYTHING
YOU SAY.
THIS IS A NEW YORK AUDIENCE.

YOU SAY.
THIS IS A NEW YORK AUDIENCE.
EVEN IF IT'S NOT FUNNY, THEY

THIS IS A NEW YORK AUDIENCE.
EVEN IF IT'S NOT FUNNY, THEY
KNOW IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY,

EVEN IF IT'S NOT FUNNY, THEY
KNOW IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY,
AND THEY'RE GONNA LAUGH.

KNOW IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY,
AND THEY'RE GONNA LAUGH.
YOU CAN DO IT.

AND THEY'RE GONNA LAUGH.
YOU CAN DO IT.
YOU'RE THE BEST.

YOU CAN DO IT.
YOU'RE THE BEST.
YOU'RE THE FUNNIEST.

YOU'RE THE BEST.
YOU'RE THE FUNNIEST.
TELL A STORY.

YOU'RE THE FUNNIEST.
TELL A STORY.
SOMETHING INTERESTING MUST HAVE

TELL A STORY.
SOMETHING INTERESTING MUST HAVE
HAPPENED IN TUNISIA, RIGHT?

SOMETHING INTERESTING MUST HAVE
HAPPENED IN TUNISIA, RIGHT?
YEAH, THE JAR.

HAPPENED IN TUNISIA, RIGHT?
YEAH, THE JAR.
TELL THAT.

YEAH, THE JAR.
TELL THAT.
COULD YOU GET THE JAR FOR ME?

TELL THAT.
COULD YOU GET THE JAR FOR ME?
THE ROMAN JAR?

COULD YOU GET THE JAR FOR ME?
THE ROMAN JAR?
IT'S IN MY DRESSING ROOM.

THE ROMAN JAR?
IT'S IN MY DRESSING ROOM.
WOULD YOU JUST BRING IT?

IT'S IN MY DRESSING ROOM.
WOULD YOU JUST BRING IT?
NOW, YOU'RE GONNA GO UP THERE

WOULD YOU JUST BRING IT?
NOW, YOU'RE GONNA GO UP THERE
AND YOU'RE GONNA BE THE FUNNIEST

NOW, YOU'RE GONNA GO UP THERE
AND YOU'RE GONNA BE THE FUNNIEST
MAN IN AMERICA RIGHT NOW.

AND YOU'RE GONNA BE THE FUNNIEST
MAN IN AMERICA RIGHT NOW.
ERIC IDLE. COME ON!

MAN IN AMERICA RIGHT NOW.
ERIC IDLE. COME ON!
COME ON! COME ON!

ERIC IDLE. COME ON!
COME ON! COME ON!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.
THIS ISN'T REALLY A FUNNY STORY,
BUT... BUT IT'S A TRUE STORY.

THIS ISN'T REALLY A FUNNY STORY,
BUT... BUT IT'S A TRUE STORY.
[CLEARS THROAT]

BUT... BUT IT'S A TRUE STORY.
[CLEARS THROAT]
I'VE JUST GOT BACK FROM TUNISIA,

[CLEARS THROAT]
I'VE JUST GOT BACK FROM TUNISIA,
WHERE I SPENT TWO MONTHS FILMING

I'VE JUST GOT BACK FROM TUNISIA,
WHERE I SPENT TWO MONTHS FILMING
WITH MONTY PYTHON.

WHERE I SPENT TWO MONTHS FILMING
WITH MONTY PYTHON.
AND WE WERE FILMING IN CARTHAGE,

WITH MONTY PYTHON.
AND WE WERE FILMING IN CARTHAGE,
WHERE THERE WERE SOME ANCIENT

AND WE WERE FILMING IN CARTHAGE,
WHERE THERE WERE SOME ANCIENT
2,000-YEAR-OLD RUINS.

WHERE THERE WERE SOME ANCIENT
2,000-YEAR-OLD RUINS.
THANK YOU.

2,000-YEAR-OLD RUINS.
THANK YOU.
AND JUST BY THE SIDE THERE,

THANK YOU.
AND JUST BY THE SIDE THERE,
THERE WAS A DIG, AND I WENT TO

AND JUST BY THE SIDE THERE,
THERE WAS A DIG, AND I WENT TO
SORT OF HAVE A GO, AND I SPENT

THERE WAS A DIG, AND I WENT TO
SORT OF HAVE A GO, AND I SPENT
ABOUT AN HOUR AND I FOUND THIS,

SORT OF HAVE A GO, AND I SPENT
ABOUT AN HOUR AND I FOUND THIS,
AND I DUG IT OUT AND I'VE HAD IT

ABOUT AN HOUR AND I FOUND THIS,
AND I DUG IT OUT AND I'VE HAD IT
LOOKED AT, AND IT'S OVER 2,000

AND I DUG IT OUT AND I'VE HAD IT
LOOKED AT, AND IT'S OVER 2,000
YEARS OLD.

LOOKED AT, AND IT'S OVER 2,000
YEARS OLD.
AND IT'S... IT'S A VERY

YEARS OLD.
AND IT'S... IT'S A VERY
DELICATELY WORKED ROMAN POT, AND

AND IT'S... IT'S A VERY
DELICATELY WORKED ROMAN POT, AND
IT'S ABOUT 2,000... 2,300 YEARS

DELICATELY WORKED ROMAN POT, AND
IT'S ABOUT 2,000... 2,300 YEARS
OLD.

IT'S ABOUT 2,000... 2,300 YEARS
OLD.
ISN'T IT BEAUTIFUL?

OLD.
ISN'T IT BEAUTIFUL?
[LAUGHTER]

ISN'T IT BEAUTIFUL?
[LAUGHTER]
ANOTHER THING THAT I LIKED ABOUT

[LAUGHTER]
ANOTHER THING THAT I LIKED ABOUT
TUNISIA WAS THE MUSIC.

ANOTHER THING THAT I LIKED ABOUT
TUNISIA WAS THE MUSIC.
IT'S VERY STRANGE MUSIC.

TUNISIA WAS THE MUSIC.
IT'S VERY STRANGE MUSIC.
I'LL DO IT.

IT'S VERY STRANGE MUSIC.
I'LL DO IT.
IT GOES SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

I'LL DO IT.
IT GOES SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
[IMITATING NATIVE SINGING]

[APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.
IT'S MUSIC FROM THE STONE-DEAF

THANK YOU.
IT'S MUSIC FROM THE STONE-DEAF
AGE.

IT'S MUSIC FROM THE STONE-DEAF
AGE.
[LAUGHTER]

AGE.
[LAUGHTER]
AND THIS IS A LITTLE STORY.

[LAUGHTER]
AND THIS IS A LITTLE STORY.
IT'S A LITTLE STORY.

AND THIS IS A LITTLE STORY.
IT'S A LITTLE STORY.
IT'S ABOUT TWO PEOPLE.

IT'S A LITTLE STORY.
IT'S ABOUT TWO PEOPLE.
HE IS A JASMINE SELLER, AND SHE

IT'S ABOUT TWO PEOPLE.
HE IS A JASMINE SELLER, AND SHE
ISN'T.

HE IS A JASMINE SELLER, AND SHE
ISN'T.
[IMITATING NATIVE SINGING]

ISN'T.
[IMITATING NATIVE SINGING]
SHE WEARS A SHEET, AND HE ASKS

[IMITATING NATIVE SINGING]
SHE WEARS A SHEET, AND HE ASKS
HER FOR HER HAND IN MARRIAGE,

SHE WEARS A SHEET, AND HE ASKS
HER FOR HER HAND IN MARRIAGE,
SINCE THAT'S THE ONLY THING HE

HER FOR HER HAND IN MARRIAGE,
SINCE THAT'S THE ONLY THING HE
CAN SEE.

SINCE THAT'S THE ONLY THING HE
CAN SEE.
[IMITATING NATIVE SINGING]

CAN SEE.
[IMITATING NATIVE SINGING]
SHE SAYS SHE CANNOT MARRY HIM,

[IMITATING NATIVE SINGING]
SHE SAYS SHE CANNOT MARRY HIM,
AS SHE HAS BOILS.

SHE SAYS SHE CANNOT MARRY HIM,
AS SHE HAS BOILS.
[IMITATING NATIVE SINGING]

AS SHE HAS BOILS.
[IMITATING NATIVE SINGING]
HE STABS HIMSELF TO DEATH,

[IMITATING NATIVE SINGING]
HE STABS HIMSELF TO DEATH,
GIVING HER A LITTLE JASMINE

HE STABS HIMSELF TO DEATH,
GIVING HER A LITTLE JASMINE
FLOWER AT THE LAST MINUTE.

GIVING HER A LITTLE JASMINE
FLOWER AT THE LAST MINUTE.
[IMITATING NATIVE SINGING]

FLOWER AT THE LAST MINUTE.
[IMITATING NATIVE SINGING]
SHE IS ALLERGIC TO JASMINE

[IMITATING NATIVE SINGING]
SHE IS ALLERGIC TO JASMINE
FLOWERS AND DIES OF THE ALLERGY.

SHE IS ALLERGIC TO JASMINE
FLOWERS AND DIES OF THE ALLERGY.
THE STORY ENDS UNHAPPILY, BUT

FLOWERS AND DIES OF THE ALLERGY.
THE STORY ENDS UNHAPPILY, BUT
UNHAPPILY, NOT FOR ANOTHER 20

THE STORY ENDS UNHAPPILY, BUT
UNHAPPILY, NOT FOR ANOTHER 20
MINUTES.

UNHAPPILY, NOT FOR ANOTHER 20
MINUTES.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

MINUTES.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
[IMITATING NATIVE SINGING]

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
[IMITATING NATIVE SINGING]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WELCOME.
I'M JULIA CHILD.
TODAY, WE'RE GOING TO MAKE A

I'M JULIA CHILD.
TODAY, WE'RE GOING TO MAKE A
HOLIDAY FEAST, OR LE FêTE

TODAY, WE'RE GOING TO MAKE A
HOLIDAY FEAST, OR LE FêTE
D'HOLIDAY.

HOLIDAY FEAST, OR LE FêTE
D'HOLIDAY.
AND WE'RE GOING TO START WITH

D'HOLIDAY.
AND WE'RE GOING TO START WITH
HALF-BONED CHICKEN, OR POULARD

AND WE'RE GOING TO START WITH
HALF-BONED CHICKEN, OR POULARD
DEMI DE SAUCé.

HALF-BONED CHICKEN, OR POULARD
DEMI DE SAUCé.
AND YOU NEED A FINE, FAT

DEMI DE SAUCé.
AND YOU NEED A FINE, FAT
ROASTING CHICKEN LIKE THIS ONE.

AND YOU NEED A FINE, FAT
ROASTING CHICKEN LIKE THIS ONE.
NOW, FIRST, REMOVE THE GIBLETS.

ROASTING CHICKEN LIKE THIS ONE.
NOW, FIRST, REMOVE THE GIBLETS.
AND YOU REALLY SHOULD SAVE THE

NOW, FIRST, REMOVE THE GIBLETS.
AND YOU REALLY SHOULD SAVE THE
GIBLETS.

AND YOU REALLY SHOULD SAVE THE
GIBLETS.
THEY MAKE A FINE STOCK FOR SOUP.

GIBLETS.
THEY MAKE A FINE STOCK FOR SOUP.
OR YOU CAN SAVE THE LIVER AND

THEY MAKE A FINE STOCK FOR SOUP.
OR YOU CAN SAVE THE LIVER AND
FRY IT UP WITH SOME ONIONS FOR A

OR YOU CAN SAVE THE LIVER AND
FRY IT UP WITH SOME ONIONS FOR A
LITTLE SNACK, OR IF YOU HAVE A

FRY IT UP WITH SOME ONIONS FOR A
LITTLE SNACK, OR IF YOU HAVE A
NUMBER OF LIVERS, YOU CAN MAKE A

LITTLE SNACK, OR IF YOU HAVE A
NUMBER OF LIVERS, YOU CAN MAKE A
LOVELY LIVER PATE, OR PERHAPS A

NUMBER OF LIVERS, YOU CAN MAKE A
LOVELY LIVER PATE, OR PERHAPS A
DELICIOUS LIVERWURST WHICH YOU

LOVELY LIVER PATE, OR PERHAPS A
DELICIOUS LIVERWURST WHICH YOU
CAN SPREAD ON A CRACKER - A RITZ

DELICIOUS LIVERWURST WHICH YOU
CAN SPREAD ON A CRACKER - A RITZ
CRACKER, A SALTINE CRACKER, OR

CAN SPREAD ON A CRACKER - A RITZ
CRACKER, A SALTINE CRACKER, OR
ON BREAD... A RYE BREAD OR

CRACKER, A SALTINE CRACKER, OR
ON BREAD... A RYE BREAD OR
PUMPERNICKEL BREAD.

ON BREAD... A RYE BREAD OR
PUMPERNICKEL BREAD.
OR IF YOU'RE CELEBRATING THE

PUMPERNICKEL BREAD.
OR IF YOU'RE CELEBRATING THE
JEWISH HOLIDAYS, YOU CAN MAKE A

OR IF YOU'RE CELEBRATING THE
JEWISH HOLIDAYS, YOU CAN MAKE A
CHOPPED LIVER AND SHAPE IT INTO

JEWISH HOLIDAYS, YOU CAN MAKE A
CHOPPED LIVER AND SHAPE IT INTO
THE BUST OF A FRIEND...

CHOPPED LIVER AND SHAPE IT INTO
THE BUST OF A FRIEND...
SOMEONE WHO'S GETTING MARRIED OR

THE BUST OF A FRIEND...
SOMEONE WHO'S GETTING MARRIED OR
BAR-MITZVAHED.

SOMEONE WHO'S GETTING MARRIED OR
BAR-MITZVAHED.
IS THAT IT?

BAR-MITZVAHED.
IS THAT IT?
AM I PRONOUNCING IT RIGHT?

IS THAT IT?
AM I PRONOUNCING IT RIGHT?
BAR-MITZVAHED.

AM I PRONOUNCING IT RIGHT?
BAR-MITZVAHED.
I HOPE SO.

BAR-MITZVAHED.
I HOPE SO.
OR IF YOU HAVE A PET CAT OR A

I HOPE SO.
OR IF YOU HAVE A PET CAT OR A
DOG, THEY LOVE LIVER.

OR IF YOU HAVE A PET CAT OR A
DOG, THEY LOVE LIVER.
SAVE THE LIVER.

DOG, THEY LOVE LIVER.
SAVE THE LIVER.
DON'T THROW IT AWAY.

SAVE THE LIVER.
DON'T THROW IT AWAY.
I HOPE I'VE MADE MY POINT.

DON'T THROW IT AWAY.
I HOPE I'VE MADE MY POINT.
DON'T THROW THE LIVER AWAY.

I HOPE I'VE MADE MY POINT.
DON'T THROW THE LIVER AWAY.
NOW, WHERE WAS I?

DON'T THROW THE LIVER AWAY.
NOW, WHERE WAS I?
OH, YES, POULARD DEMI DE SAUCé.

NOW, WHERE WAS I?
OH, YES, POULARD DEMI DE SAUCé.
NOW, AFTER YOU REMOVE THE

OH, YES, POULARD DEMI DE SAUCé.
NOW, AFTER YOU REMOVE THE
GIBLETS AND SAVE THE

NOW, AFTER YOU REMOVE THE
GIBLETS AND SAVE THE
YOU-KNOW-WHAT... DID I MENTION

GIBLETS AND SAVE THE
YOU-KNOW-WHAT... DID I MENTION
LIVERWURST?

YOU-KNOW-WHAT... DID I MENTION
LIVERWURST?
YOU CAN SPREAD IT ON CRACKERS.

LIVERWURST?
YOU CAN SPREAD IT ON CRACKERS.
OH, WELL.

YOU CAN SPREAD IT ON CRACKERS.
OH, WELL.
ANYWAY, IT'S TIME TO BONE THE

OH, WELL.
ANYWAY, IT'S TIME TO BONE THE
CHICKEN.

ANYWAY, IT'S TIME TO BONE THE
CHICKEN.
NOW, FOR THIS, YOU NEED A VERY

CHICKEN.
NOW, FOR THIS, YOU NEED A VERY
SHARP KNIFE.

NOW, FOR THIS, YOU NEED A VERY
SHARP KNIFE.
YOU CAN'T DO NOTHING WITHOUT A

SHARP KNIFE.
YOU CAN'T DO NOTHING WITHOUT A
SHARP KNIFE!

NOW, YOU PLACE THE CHICKEN ON

ITS STOMACH AND CUT ALONG THE

BACKBONE... LIKE SO.

OH!
OH-HO!
NOW I'VE DONE IT.

OH-HO!
NOW I'VE DONE IT.
I'VE CUT THE DICKENS OUT OF MY

NOW I'VE DONE IT.
I'VE CUT THE DICKENS OUT OF MY
FINGER.

I'VE CUT THE DICKENS OUT OF MY
FINGER.
WELL, I'M GLAD, IN A WAY, THIS

FINGER.
WELL, I'M GLAD, IN A WAY, THIS
HAPPENED.

WELL, I'M GLAD, IN A WAY, THIS
HAPPENED.
ACCIDENTS DO OCCUR FROM TIME

HAPPENED.
ACCIDENTS DO OCCUR FROM TIME
TO TIME IN THE KITCHEN.

ACCIDENTS DO OCCUR FROM TIME
TO TIME IN THE KITCHEN.
WE'VE NEVER REALLY DISCUSSED

TO TIME IN THE KITCHEN.
WE'VE NEVER REALLY DISCUSSED
WHAT TO DO.

WE'VE NEVER REALLY DISCUSSED
WHAT TO DO.
FIRST, WE MUST STOP THE

WHAT TO DO.
FIRST, WE MUST STOP THE
BLEEDING.

FIRST, WE MUST STOP THE
BLEEDING.
THE BEST WAY IS WITH DIRECT

BLEEDING.
THE BEST WAY IS WITH DIRECT
PRESSURE ON THE APRON, LIKE SO.

THE BEST WAY IS WITH DIRECT
PRESSURE ON THE APRON, LIKE SO.
NOW, YOU WANT TO RAISE YOUR HAND

PRESSURE ON THE APRON, LIKE SO.
NOW, YOU WANT TO RAISE YOUR HAND
OVER YOUR HEAD SO THE BLOOD

NOW, YOU WANT TO RAISE YOUR HAND
OVER YOUR HEAD SO THE BLOOD
HAS TO BE PUMPED ALL THE WAY UP.

OVER YOUR HEAD SO THE BLOOD
HAS TO BE PUMPED ALL THE WAY UP.
WELL, THE APRON DOESN'T SEEM TO

HAS TO BE PUMPED ALL THE WAY UP.
WELL, THE APRON DOESN'T SEEM TO
BE WORKING, SO I'D RECOMMEND

WELL, THE APRON DOESN'T SEEM TO
BE WORKING, SO I'D RECOMMEND
NATURAL COAGULANTS, SUCH AS

BE WORKING, SO I'D RECOMMEND
NATURAL COAGULANTS, SUCH AS
CHICKEN LIVER.

NATURAL COAGULANTS, SUCH AS
CHICKEN LIVER.
ANOTHER REASON NOT TO THROW AWAY

CHICKEN LIVER.
ANOTHER REASON NOT TO THROW AWAY
THE LIVER.

ANOTHER REASON NOT TO THROW AWAY
THE LIVER.
OH, GOD, IT'S THROBBING!

THE LIVER.
OH, GOD, IT'S THROBBING!
WELL, A TOURNIQUET.

OH, GOD, IT'S THROBBING!
WELL, A TOURNIQUET.
YES, A TOURNIQUET CAN BE MADE

WELL, A TOURNIQUET.
YES, A TOURNIQUET CAN BE MADE
OF CHEESECLOTH AND A CHICKEN

YES, A TOURNIQUET CAN BE MADE
OF CHEESECLOTH AND A CHICKEN
BONE.

OF CHEESECLOTH AND A CHICKEN
BONE.
FIND A PRESSURE POINT BETWEEN

BONE.
FIND A PRESSURE POINT BETWEEN
THE HEART AND THE WOUND...

FIND A PRESSURE POINT BETWEEN
THE HEART AND THE WOUND...
IN THIS CASE, THE WRIST... AND

THE HEART AND THE WOUND...
IN THIS CASE, THE WRIST... AND
CUT OFF THE BLOOD.

IN THIS CASE, THE WRIST... AND
CUT OFF THE BLOOD.
THIS IS A LAST RESORT, HOWEVER,

CUT OFF THE BLOOD.
THIS IS A LAST RESORT, HOWEVER,
'CAUSE YOU COULD LOSE YOUR HAND

THIS IS A LAST RESORT, HOWEVER,
'CAUSE YOU COULD LOSE YOUR HAND
IF YOU TIGHTEN IT TOO MUCH.

'CAUSE YOU COULD LOSE YOUR HAND
IF YOU TIGHTEN IT TOO MUCH.
IF YOU'RE TOO WOOZY TO TIE THE

IF YOU TIGHTEN IT TOO MUCH.
IF YOU'RE TOO WOOZY TO TIE THE
TOURNIQUET, TRY TO CALL FOR

IF YOU'RE TOO WOOZY TO TIE THE
TOURNIQUET, TRY TO CALL FOR
EMERGENCY HELP.

TOURNIQUET, TRY TO CALL FOR
EMERGENCY HELP.
THERE'S NOT MUCH TIME LEFT.

EMERGENCY HELP.
THERE'S NOT MUCH TIME LEFT.
NOW, EVERY KITCHEN SHOULD HAVE

THERE'S NOT MUCH TIME LEFT.
NOW, EVERY KITCHEN SHOULD HAVE
THE EMERGENCY NUMBER WRITTEN ON

NOW, EVERY KITCHEN SHOULD HAVE
THE EMERGENCY NUMBER WRITTEN ON
IT SOMEWHERE.

THE EMERGENCY NUMBER WRITTEN ON
IT SOMEWHERE.
OH, THIS ONE DOESN'T!

IT SOMEWHERE.
OH, THIS ONE DOESN'T!
9-1-1!

OH, THIS ONE DOESN'T!
9-1-1!
[LAUGHTER]

9-1-1!
[LAUGHTER]
OH, THIS PHONE IS A PROP.

[LAUGHTER]
OH, THIS PHONE IS A PROP.
IT DOESN'T WORK!

OH, THIS PHONE IS A PROP.
IT DOESN'T WORK!
OH, THAT'S A SHAME, BECAUSE I'M

IT DOESN'T WORK!
OH, THAT'S A SHAME, BECAUSE I'M
REMEMBERING A TIME WHEN I WAS A

OH, THAT'S A SHAME, BECAUSE I'M
REMEMBERING A TIME WHEN I WAS A
LITTLE GIRL AND I HAD A DOG

REMEMBERING A TIME WHEN I WAS A
LITTLE GIRL AND I HAD A DOG
NAMED ADMIRAL.

LITTLE GIRL AND I HAD A DOG
NAMED ADMIRAL.
I USED TO GIVE HIM LIVER.

NAMED ADMIRAL.
I USED TO GIVE HIM LIVER.
AND MY MOTHER GAVE ME A DOLL.

I USED TO GIVE HIM LIVER.
AND MY MOTHER GAVE ME A DOLL.
WHY ARE YOU ALL SPINNING?

AND MY MOTHER GAVE ME A DOLL.
WHY ARE YOU ALL SPINNING?
WELL, I THINK I'M GOING TO GO

WHY ARE YOU ALL SPINNING?
WELL, I THINK I'M GOING TO GO
TO SLEEP NOW.

WELL, I THINK I'M GOING TO GO
TO SLEEP NOW.
BON APPETIT.

TO SLEEP NOW.
BON APPETIT.
SAVE THE LIVER!

LAST WEEK ON THE SHOW WE
PRESENTED AN ARIA FROM AN OPERA
BY MOZART.

PRESENTED AN ARIA FROM AN OPERA
BY MOZART.
THE RESPONSE TO THIS SEGMENT OF

BY MOZART.
THE RESPONSE TO THIS SEGMENT OF
CLASSICAL MUSIC WAS SO

THE RESPONSE TO THIS SEGMENT OF
CLASSICAL MUSIC WAS SO
OVERWHELMING THAT WE DECIDED TO

CLASSICAL MUSIC WAS SO
OVERWHELMING THAT WE DECIDED TO
DO IT AGAIN.

OVERWHELMING THAT WE DECIDED TO
DO IT AGAIN.
SO HERE ARE ERIC IDLE,

DO IT AGAIN.
SO HERE ARE ERIC IDLE,
JANE CURTIN, BILL MURRAY, AND

SO HERE ARE ERIC IDLE,
JANE CURTIN, BILL MURRAY, AND
LARAINE NEWMAN WITH

JANE CURTIN, BILL MURRAY, AND
LARAINE NEWMAN WITH
"A MADRIGAL."

LARAINE NEWMAN WITH
"A MADRIGAL."
[PITCH PIPE PLAYS NOTE]

"A MADRIGAL."
[PITCH PIPE PLAYS NOTE]
[ALL HUMMING]

[PITCH PIPE PLAYS NOTE]
[ALL HUMMING]
♪ THERE WAS A SHIP THAT PUT

[ALL HUMMING]
♪ THERE WAS A SHIP THAT PUT
TO SEA ♪

♪ THERE WAS A SHIP THAT PUT
TO SEA ♪
♪ ALL IN THE MONTH OF MAY ♪

TO SEA ♪
♪ ALL IN THE MONTH OF MAY ♪
♪ WITH A FA-LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ ALL IN THE MONTH OF MAY ♪
♪ WITH A FA-LA-LA-LA ♪
♪ WITH A FA-LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ WITH A FA-LA-LA-LA ♪
♪ WITH A FA-LA-LA-LA ♪
♪ WITH A FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ WITH A FA-LA-LA-LA ♪
♪ WITH A FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA ♪
♪ WITH A FA-LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ WITH A FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA ♪
♪ WITH A FA-LA-LA-LA ♪
♪ WITH A FA-LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ WITH A FA-LA-LA-LA ♪
♪ WITH A FA-LA-LA-LA ♪
♪ WITH A FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LAY ♪

♪ WITH A FA-LA-LA-LA ♪
♪ WITH A FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LAY ♪
♪ IN THE MONTH OF MAY ♪

♪ WITH A FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LAY ♪
♪ IN THE MONTH OF MAY ♪
♪ THE MERRY MONTH OF MAY ♪

♪ IN THE MONTH OF MAY ♪
♪ THE MERRY MONTH OF MAY ♪
♪ THERE WAS A SHIP PUT TO

♪ THE MERRY MONTH OF MAY ♪
♪ THERE WAS A SHIP PUT TO
SEA ♪

♪ THERE WAS A SHIP PUT TO
SEA ♪
♪ IN MAY A SHIP PUT TO SEA ♪

SEA ♪
♪ IN MAY A SHIP PUT TO SEA ♪
♪ ALL IN THE MONTH OF MAY ♪

♪ IN MAY A SHIP PUT TO SEA ♪
♪ ALL IN THE MONTH OF MAY ♪
♪ WITH A FA-LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ ALL IN THE MONTH OF MAY ♪
♪ WITH A FA-LA-LA-LA ♪
♪ WITH A FA-LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ WITH A FA-LA-LA-LA ♪
♪ WITH A FA-LA-LA-LA ♪
♪ WITH A FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ WITH A FA-LA-LA-LA ♪
♪ WITH A FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA ♪
♪ WITH A FA-LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ WITH A FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA ♪
♪ WITH A FA-LA-LA-LA ♪
♪ WITH A FA-LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ WITH A FA-LA-LA-LA ♪
♪ WITH A FA-LA-LA-LA ♪
♪ WITH A FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ WITH A FA-LA-LA-LA ♪
♪ WITH A FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA ♪
♪ AND THE SHIP THAT PUT TO

♪ WITH A FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA ♪
♪ AND THE SHIP THAT PUT TO
SEA ♪

♪ AND THE SHIP THAT PUT TO
SEA ♪
♪ AND THE SHIP THAT PUT TO

SEA ♪
♪ AND THE SHIP THAT PUT TO
SEA ♪

♪ AND THE SHIP THAT PUT TO
SEA ♪
♪ TO SEA ♪

SEA ♪
♪ TO SEA ♪
♪ TO SEA ♪

♪ TO SEA ♪
♪ TO SEA ♪
♪ THE SHIP ♪

♪ TO SEA ♪
♪ THE SHIP ♪
♪ THAT PUT TO ♪

♪ THE SHIP ♪
♪ THAT PUT TO ♪
♪ THE MONTH OF ♪

♪ THAT PUT TO ♪
♪ THE MONTH OF ♪
♪ THE MONTH ♪

♪ THE MONTH OF ♪
♪ THE MONTH ♪
♪ THE SHIP ♪

♪ THE MONTH ♪
♪ THE SHIP ♪
♪ AND THE SHIP THAT... THAT

♪ THE SHIP ♪
♪ AND THE SHIP THAT... THAT
PUT TO SEA IN THE MONTH OF

♪ AND THE SHIP THAT... THAT
PUT TO SEA IN THE MONTH OF
MAY ♪

PUT TO SEA IN THE MONTH OF
MAY ♪
♪ IN THE MONTH OF MAY ♪

MAY ♪
♪ IN THE MONTH OF MAY ♪
♪ FA-LA-LA, FA-LA-LA ♪

♪ IN THE MONTH OF MAY ♪
♪ FA-LA-LA, FA-LA-LA ♪
♪ THE SHIP THAT PUT TO SEA IN

♪ FA-LA-LA, FA-LA-LA ♪
♪ THE SHIP THAT PUT TO SEA IN
THE MONTH OF MAY ♪

♪ THE SHIP THAT PUT TO SEA IN
THE MONTH OF MAY ♪
♪ SANK ♪

THE MONTH OF MAY ♪
♪ SANK ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IN LONDON TODAY, ANXIOUS
CROWDS SPILLED THE STREETS,
AWAITING SOME WORD FROM

CROWDS SPILLED THE STREETS,
AWAITING SOME WORD FROM
BUCKINGHAM PALACE REGARDING THE

AWAITING SOME WORD FROM
BUCKINGHAM PALACE REGARDING THE
WHEREABOUTS OF PRINCE CHARLES.

BUCKINGHAM PALACE REGARDING THE
WHEREABOUTS OF PRINCE CHARLES.
THE CITY IS ALIVE WITH THE RUMOR

WHEREABOUTS OF PRINCE CHARLES.
THE CITY IS ALIVE WITH THE RUMOR
THAT A ROYAL MARRIAGE IS IN THE

THE CITY IS ALIVE WITH THE RUMOR
THAT A ROYAL MARRIAGE IS IN THE
OFFING AND THAT THE HEIR TO THE

THAT A ROYAL MARRIAGE IS IN THE
OFFING AND THAT THE HEIR TO THE
THRONE IS CURRENTLY LIVING WITH

OFFING AND THAT THE HEIR TO THE
THRONE IS CURRENTLY LIVING WITH
A 13-YEAR-OLD WHITE-TRASH GIRL

THRONE IS CURRENTLY LIVING WITH
A 13-YEAR-OLD WHITE-TRASH GIRL
IN THE DEEP SOUTH OF THE UNITED

A 13-YEAR-OLD WHITE-TRASH GIRL
IN THE DEEP SOUTH OF THE UNITED
STATES.

IN THE DEEP SOUTH OF THE UNITED
STATES.
AS YET, THERE HAS BEEN NO

STATES.
AS YET, THERE HAS BEEN NO
COMMENT FROM THE PALACE.

AS YET, THERE HAS BEEN NO
COMMENT FROM THE PALACE.
THIS IS DAVID FIELDING OF THE

COMMENT FROM THE PALACE.
THIS IS DAVID FIELDING OF THE
BBC IN LONDON.

DEAR MUM... BRACKETS...
YOUR MAJESTY.
I REGRET THAT I SHALL BE UNABLE

YOUR MAJESTY.
I REGRET THAT I SHALL BE UNABLE
TO ATTEND THE OPENING OF

I REGRET THAT I SHALL BE UNABLE
TO ATTEND THE OPENING OF
PARLIAMENT THIS YEAR, AS I'M

TO ATTEND THE OPENING OF
PARLIAMENT THIS YEAR, AS I'M
UNFORTUNATELY DETAINED ON

PARLIAMENT THIS YEAR, AS I'M
UNFORTUNATELY DETAINED ON
BUSINESS.

UNFORTUNATELY DETAINED ON
BUSINESS.
YOURS FAITHFULLY, CHARLES,

BUSINESS.
YOURS FAITHFULLY, CHARLES,
PRINCE OF WALES.

YOURS FAITHFULLY, CHARLES,
PRINCE OF WALES.
[Southern accent] CHARLES,

PRINCE OF WALES.
[Southern accent] CHARLES,
HOW COME YOU NEVER TAKE ME

[Southern accent] CHARLES,
HOW COME YOU NEVER TAKE ME
ANYWHERE?

HOW COME YOU NEVER TAKE ME
ANYWHERE?
NOW, YOU KNOW THAT'S NOT

ANYWHERE?
NOW, YOU KNOW THAT'S NOT
TRUE, VONDA.

NOW, YOU KNOW THAT'S NOT
TRUE, VONDA.
LAST WEEK, I TOOK YOU TO THE

TRUE, VONDA.
LAST WEEK, I TOOK YOU TO THE
STOCK-CAR RACES IN GREENFIELD.

LAST WEEK, I TOOK YOU TO THE
STOCK-CAR RACES IN GREENFIELD.
I DON'T MEAN THAT.

STOCK-CAR RACES IN GREENFIELD.
I DON'T MEAN THAT.
I WANT TO GO WITH YOU WHEN YOU

I DON'T MEAN THAT.
I WANT TO GO WITH YOU WHEN YOU
LAUNCH A BATTLESHIP OVER EUROPE.

I WANT TO GO WITH YOU WHEN YOU
LAUNCH A BATTLESHIP OVER EUROPE.
OH, YOU'D JUST BE BORED

LAUNCH A BATTLESHIP OVER EUROPE.
OH, YOU'D JUST BE BORED
SILLY, VONDA.

OH, YOU'D JUST BE BORED
SILLY, VONDA.
BESIDES, WE'VE GONE OVER THIS.

SILLY, VONDA.
BESIDES, WE'VE GONE OVER THIS.
I AM THE HEIR TO THE THRONE OF

BESIDES, WE'VE GONE OVER THIS.
I AM THE HEIR TO THE THRONE OF
ENGLAND, AND YOU ARE A

I AM THE HEIR TO THE THRONE OF
ENGLAND, AND YOU ARE A
13-YEAR-OLD AMERICAN COMMONER

ENGLAND, AND YOU ARE A
13-YEAR-OLD AMERICAN COMMONER
WITH A FOURTH-GRADE EDUCATION.

13-YEAR-OLD AMERICAN COMMONER
WITH A FOURTH-GRADE EDUCATION.
YOU THINK I'M STUPID, DON'T

WITH A FOURTH-GRADE EDUCATION.
YOU THINK I'M STUPID, DON'T
YOU?!

YOU THINK I'M STUPID, DON'T
YOU?!
NO, I DON'T THINK THAT FOR A

YOU?!
NO, I DON'T THINK THAT FOR A
MOMENT, MY TREASURE.

NO, I DON'T THINK THAT FOR A
MOMENT, MY TREASURE.
WELL, YOUR MOTHER DOESN'T

MOMENT, MY TREASURE.
WELL, YOUR MOTHER DOESN'T
LIKE ME.

WELL, YOUR MOTHER DOESN'T
LIKE ME.
I KNOW THAT.

LIKE ME.
I KNOW THAT.
WELL, NO, SHE DOESN'T.

I KNOW THAT.
WELL, NO, SHE DOESN'T.
BUT SHE'LL COME 'ROUND.

WELL, NO, SHE DOESN'T.
BUT SHE'LL COME 'ROUND.
YOU WAIT AND SEE.

BUT SHE'LL COME 'ROUND.
YOU WAIT AND SEE.
WELL, IN THE MEANTIME, I HAVE TO

YOU WAIT AND SEE.
WELL, IN THE MEANTIME, I HAVE TO
SIT HOME ALL DAY EATING SUPER

WELL, IN THE MEANTIME, I HAVE TO
SIT HOME ALL DAY EATING SUPER
POPS AND WATCHING TV WHILE

SIT HOME ALL DAY EATING SUPER
POPS AND WATCHING TV WHILE
YOU'RE OUT ON MANEUVERS WITH THE

POPS AND WATCHING TV WHILE
YOU'RE OUT ON MANEUVERS WITH THE
ROYAL NAVY.

YOU'RE OUT ON MANEUVERS WITH THE
ROYAL NAVY.
VONDA, HAVE YOU ANY IDEA WHAT

ROYAL NAVY.
VONDA, HAVE YOU ANY IDEA WHAT
IT'S LIKE TO BE COMMANDER IN

VONDA, HAVE YOU ANY IDEA WHAT
IT'S LIKE TO BE COMMANDER IN
CHIEF OF THE WELSH GUARDS?

IT'S LIKE TO BE COMMANDER IN
CHIEF OF THE WELSH GUARDS?
WELL, NO.

CHIEF OF THE WELSH GUARDS?
WELL, NO.
WELL, IT'S A DIFFICULT AND A

WELL, NO.
WELL, IT'S A DIFFICULT AND A
TOUCHY JOB.

WELL, IT'S A DIFFICULT AND A
TOUCHY JOB.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]

TOUCHY JOB.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
IT'S OPEN!

[KNOCK ON DOOR]
IT'S OPEN!
YEAH, SORRY TO DISTURB YOU

IT'S OPEN!
YEAH, SORRY TO DISTURB YOU
FOLKS, BUT WE GOT A CALL ABOUT

YEAH, SORRY TO DISTURB YOU
FOLKS, BUT WE GOT A CALL ABOUT
A DOMESTIC DISTURBANCE HERE IN

FOLKS, BUT WE GOT A CALL ABOUT
A DOMESTIC DISTURBANCE HERE IN
THE TRAILER PARK.

A DOMESTIC DISTURBANCE HERE IN
THE TRAILER PARK.
MR. STANCEL KAYWOOD GOT A BOWL

THE TRAILER PARK.
MR. STANCEL KAYWOOD GOT A BOWL
OF HOT GRITS DUMPED ON HIM BY

MR. STANCEL KAYWOOD GOT A BOWL
OF HOT GRITS DUMPED ON HIM BY
HIS WIFE.

OF HOT GRITS DUMPED ON HIM BY
HIS WIFE.
YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT?

HIS WIFE.
YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT?
HELL, THEY CARRY ON ALL THE

YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT?
HELL, THEY CARRY ON ALL THE
TIME LIKE THAT.

HELL, THEY CARRY ON ALL THE
TIME LIKE THAT.
YEAH, WELL, I GUESS I BETTER

TIME LIKE THAT.
YEAH, WELL, I GUESS I BETTER
TAKE YOUR NAMES IN CASE YOU HAVE

YEAH, WELL, I GUESS I BETTER
TAKE YOUR NAMES IN CASE YOU HAVE
TO COME TO COURT, GIVE A

TAKE YOUR NAMES IN CASE YOU HAVE
TO COME TO COURT, GIVE A
STATEMENT.

TO COME TO COURT, GIVE A
STATEMENT.
YOUR NAMES?

STATEMENT.
YOUR NAMES?
CERTAINLY.

YOUR NAMES?
CERTAINLY.
THIS IS VONDA WALKER.

CERTAINLY.
THIS IS VONDA WALKER.
UH-HUH.

THIS IS VONDA WALKER.
UH-HUH.
AND I'M PRINCE CHARLES.

UH-HUH.
AND I'M PRINCE CHARLES.
YOU KNOW, THERE'S AN

AND I'M PRINCE CHARLES.
YOU KNOW, THERE'S AN
L.C. CHARLES RUNS THE

YOU KNOW, THERE'S AN
L.C. CHARLES RUNS THE
TRACTOR-TRAILER SHOWROOM UP

L.C. CHARLES RUNS THE
TRACTOR-TRAILER SHOWROOM UP
THERE IN FUTURE CITY, ILLINOIS.

TRACTOR-TRAILER SHOWROOM UP
THERE IN FUTURE CITY, ILLINOIS.
YOU ANY RELATION TO HIM?

THERE IN FUTURE CITY, ILLINOIS.
YOU ANY RELATION TO HIM?
PROBABLY NOT, NO.

YOU ANY RELATION TO HIM?
PROBABLY NOT, NO.
MY ACTUAL NAME IS

PROBABLY NOT, NO.
MY ACTUAL NAME IS
CHARLES WINDSOR.

MY ACTUAL NAME IS
CHARLES WINDSOR.
[WHISTLES]

CHARLES WINDSOR.
[WHISTLES]
[LAUGHS]

[WHISTLES]
[LAUGHS]
I USED TO KNOW A JULES WINDSOR.

[LAUGHS]
I USED TO KNOW A JULES WINDSOR.
HIS DADDY AND MY DADDY USED TO

I USED TO KNOW A JULES WINDSOR.
HIS DADDY AND MY DADDY USED TO
RUN THE DIAMOND TRUCKING OUT OF

HIS DADDY AND MY DADDY USED TO
RUN THE DIAMOND TRUCKING OUT OF
MERIDIAN.

RUN THE DIAMOND TRUCKING OUT OF
MERIDIAN.
HE'S OUT IN OKLAHOMA NOW.

MERIDIAN.
HE'S OUT IN OKLAHOMA NOW.
HE'S WORKING FOR THE GAS

HE'S OUT IN OKLAHOMA NOW.
HE'S WORKING FOR THE GAS
COMPANY.

HE'S WORKING FOR THE GAS
COMPANY.
HELL, HE'S MAKING $17.50, $18.50

COMPANY.
HELL, HE'S MAKING $17.50, $18.50
AN HOUR OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

HELL, HE'S MAKING $17.50, $18.50
AN HOUR OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
THAT'S REALLY QUITE A

AN HOUR OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
THAT'S REALLY QUITE A
MARVELOUS WAGE.

THAT'S REALLY QUITE A
MARVELOUS WAGE.
JOLLY GOOD FOR HIM.

MARVELOUS WAGE.
JOLLY GOOD FOR HIM.
WELL, I DOUBT WE'RE CLOSELY

JOLLY GOOD FOR HIM.
WELL, I DOUBT WE'RE CLOSELY
RELATED, BUT I COULD WRITE THE

WELL, I DOUBT WE'RE CLOSELY
RELATED, BUT I COULD WRITE THE
GENEALOGICAL SOCIETY IN LONDON

RELATED, BUT I COULD WRITE THE
GENEALOGICAL SOCIETY IN LONDON
AND ASK THEM TO CHECK IT FOR

GENEALOGICAL SOCIETY IN LONDON
AND ASK THEM TO CHECK IT FOR
YOU.

AND ASK THEM TO CHECK IT FOR
YOU.
IF YOU FIND JULES' ADDRESS,

YOU.
IF YOU FIND JULES' ADDRESS,
I'D APPRECIATE IT.

IF YOU FIND JULES' ADDRESS,
I'D APPRECIATE IT.
LAST I HEARD, HE WAS IN

I'D APPRECIATE IT.
LAST I HEARD, HE WAS IN
COLLINSVILLE... NEAR TULSA,

LAST I HEARD, HE WAS IN
COLLINSVILLE... NEAR TULSA,
ANYWAY.

COLLINSVILLE... NEAR TULSA,
ANYWAY.
WELL, I CAN'T PROMISE

ANYWAY.
WELL, I CAN'T PROMISE
ANYTHING, BUT I WILL GIVE IT A

WELL, I CAN'T PROMISE
ANYTHING, BUT I WILL GIVE IT A
GO.

ANYTHING, BUT I WILL GIVE IT A
GO.
WELL, I OWE YOU A LOT THERE,

GO.
WELL, I OWE YOU A LOT THERE,
PRINCE.

WELL, I OWE YOU A LOT THERE,
PRINCE.
MA'AM, WE'LL SEE YOU LATER.

PRINCE.
MA'AM, WE'LL SEE YOU LATER.
BYE.

MA'AM, WE'LL SEE YOU LATER.
BYE.
BY THE WAY, PRINCE, I NOTICED

BYE.
BY THE WAY, PRINCE, I NOTICED
ON THE WAY IN YOU GOT FRICTION

BY THE WAY, PRINCE, I NOTICED
ON THE WAY IN YOU GOT FRICTION
STRAPS ON YOUR PICKUP TRUCK.

ON THE WAY IN YOU GOT FRICTION
STRAPS ON YOUR PICKUP TRUCK.
I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING NOW.

STRAPS ON YOUR PICKUP TRUCK.
I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING NOW.
WE GOT AN ORDINANCE HERE IN

I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING NOW.
WE GOT AN ORDINANCE HERE IN
WEBSTER COUNTY.

WE GOT AN ORDINANCE HERE IN
WEBSTER COUNTY.
THEY'RE ILLEGAL.

WEBSTER COUNTY.
THEY'RE ILLEGAL.
I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT IT'S THE

THEY'RE ILLEGAL.
I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT IT'S THE
LAW.

I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT IT'S THE
LAW.
YOU BETTER TAKE THEM OFF.

LAW.
YOU BETTER TAKE THEM OFF.
I'LL GIVE YOU A WARNING THIS

YOU BETTER TAKE THEM OFF.
I'LL GIVE YOU A WARNING THIS
TIME, BUT YOU OUGHT TO TAKE THEM

I'LL GIVE YOU A WARNING THIS
TIME, BUT YOU OUGHT TO TAKE THEM
OFF, ALL RIGHT?

TIME, BUT YOU OUGHT TO TAKE THEM
OFF, ALL RIGHT?
THANK YOU, OFFICER.

OFF, ALL RIGHT?
THANK YOU, OFFICER.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT FIRST

THANK YOU, OFFICER.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT FIRST
THING.

I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT FIRST
THING.
BYE!

THING.
BYE!
BYE.

BYE!
BYE.
BYE-BYE.

BYE.
BYE-BYE.
BABY?

BYE-BYE.
BABY?
I'M SORRY THAT I YELLED AT YOU,

BABY?
I'M SORRY THAT I YELLED AT YOU,
CHARLES.

I'M SORRY THAT I YELLED AT YOU,
CHARLES.
IT'S JUST THAT SOMETIMES, I

CHARLES.
IT'S JUST THAT SOMETIMES, I
THINK IT MIGHT BE BETTER IF WE

IT'S JUST THAT SOMETIMES, I
THINK IT MIGHT BE BETTER IF WE
JUST PARTED.

THINK IT MIGHT BE BETTER IF WE
JUST PARTED.
VONDA, DON'T THINK SUCH A

JUST PARTED.
VONDA, DON'T THINK SUCH A
THING, DARLING.

VONDA, DON'T THINK SUCH A
THING, DARLING.
EVER SINCE I FIRST SET EYES ON

THING, DARLING.
EVER SINCE I FIRST SET EYES ON
YOU WITH YOUR WHITE-VINYL BOOTS

EVER SINCE I FIRST SET EYES ON
YOU WITH YOUR WHITE-VINYL BOOTS
AND YOUR ORANGE HALTER TOP, I

YOU WITH YOUR WHITE-VINYL BOOTS
AND YOUR ORANGE HALTER TOP, I
KNEW THAT YOU MEANT MORE TO ME

AND YOUR ORANGE HALTER TOP, I
KNEW THAT YOU MEANT MORE TO ME
THAN ALL THE WELL-BORN,

KNEW THAT YOU MEANT MORE TO ME
THAN ALL THE WELL-BORN,
SOPHISTICATED, BETTER-EDUCATED,

THAN ALL THE WELL-BORN,
SOPHISTICATED, BETTER-EDUCATED,
OVER-21-YEAR-OLD WOMEN IN THE

SOPHISTICATED, BETTER-EDUCATED,
OVER-21-YEAR-OLD WOMEN IN THE
WORLD.

OVER-21-YEAR-OLD WOMEN IN THE
WORLD.
OH, CHARLES.

WORLD.
OH, CHARLES.
MMM.

OH, CHARLES.
MMM.
HEY, UH, EITHER OF YOU SEEN

MMM.
HEY, UH, EITHER OF YOU SEEN
THAT TRAMP WIFE OF MINE?

HEY, UH, EITHER OF YOU SEEN
THAT TRAMP WIFE OF MINE?
WHERE IS SHE?

THAT TRAMP WIFE OF MINE?
WHERE IS SHE?
WHERE IS THAT LITTLE SLUT?

WHERE IS SHE?
WHERE IS THAT LITTLE SLUT?
I COULD KILL HER.

WHERE IS THAT LITTLE SLUT?
I COULD KILL HER.
HI, LLOYD.

I COULD KILL HER.
HI, LLOYD.
HOW YOU DOING, CHARLIE?

HI, LLOYD.
HOW YOU DOING, CHARLIE?
HELL, YOU KNOW, I WORK 60 HOURS

HOW YOU DOING, CHARLIE?
HELL, YOU KNOW, I WORK 60 HOURS
A WEEK.

HELL, YOU KNOW, I WORK 60 HOURS
A WEEK.
I COME HOME, SHE'S OUT WITH A

A WEEK.
I COME HOME, SHE'S OUT WITH A
DIFFERENT MAN EVERY NIGHT.

I COME HOME, SHE'S OUT WITH A
DIFFERENT MAN EVERY NIGHT.
YOU KNOW, I KNOW SHE'S OUT WITH

DIFFERENT MAN EVERY NIGHT.
YOU KNOW, I KNOW SHE'S OUT WITH
BOBBY TUCKER.

YOU KNOW, I KNOW SHE'S OUT WITH
BOBBY TUCKER.
YES, I'M AFRAID I DID SEE

BOBBY TUCKER.
YES, I'M AFRAID I DID SEE
YOUR WIFE WITH MR. TUCKER

YES, I'M AFRAID I DID SEE
YOUR WIFE WITH MR. TUCKER
EARLIER THIS EVENING WHEN I WAS

YOUR WIFE WITH MR. TUCKER
EARLIER THIS EVENING WHEN I WAS
TAKING THE TRASH TO THE DUMP.

EARLIER THIS EVENING WHEN I WAS
TAKING THE TRASH TO THE DUMP.
I SAW THEM, TOO.

TAKING THE TRASH TO THE DUMP.
I SAW THEM, TOO.
WHERE DO YOU THINK THEY WENT,

I SAW THEM, TOO.
WHERE DO YOU THINK THEY WENT,
CHARLIE?

WHERE DO YOU THINK THEY WENT,
CHARLIE?
WELL, I DID BORROW A

CHARLIE?
WELL, I DID BORROW A
CIGARETTE FROM BOBBY, AND HE DID

WELL, I DID BORROW A
CIGARETTE FROM BOBBY, AND HE DID
MENTION SOMETHING ABOUT

CIGARETTE FROM BOBBY, AND HE DID
MENTION SOMETHING ABOUT
BOBO JOHNSON'S TICK TOCK LOUNGE,

MENTION SOMETHING ABOUT
BOBO JOHNSON'S TICK TOCK LOUNGE,
ROUTE 52.

BOBO JOHNSON'S TICK TOCK LOUNGE,
ROUTE 52.
ALL RIGHT.

ROUTE 52.
ALL RIGHT.
THANKS A LOT, CHARLIE.

ALL RIGHT.
THANKS A LOT, CHARLIE.
I'M GONNA GO DOWN THERE AND BLOW

THANKS A LOT, CHARLIE.
I'M GONNA GO DOWN THERE AND BLOW
THEIR HEADS OFF.

I'M GONNA GO DOWN THERE AND BLOW
THEIR HEADS OFF.
YOU GOT ANY ROCKET SLUGS FOR A

THEIR HEADS OFF.
YOU GOT ANY ROCKET SLUGS FOR A
REMINGTON BRUSHMASTER?

YOU GOT ANY ROCKET SLUGS FOR A
REMINGTON BRUSHMASTER?
I DON'T THINK SO.

REMINGTON BRUSHMASTER?
I DON'T THINK SO.
I'LL JUST CHECK.

I DON'T THINK SO.
I'LL JUST CHECK.
NO, SORRY, RIGHT OUT.

I'LL JUST CHECK.
NO, SORRY, RIGHT OUT.
CAN'T HELP YOU, LLOYD.

NO, SORRY, RIGHT OUT.
CAN'T HELP YOU, LLOYD.
WELL, THANKS ANYWAY, CHARLIE.

CAN'T HELP YOU, LLOYD.
WELL, THANKS ANYWAY, CHARLIE.
YEAH.

WELL, THANKS ANYWAY, CHARLIE.
YEAH.
HOPE THINGS WORK OUT FOR THE

YEAH.
HOPE THINGS WORK OUT FOR THE
BEST.

HOPE THINGS WORK OUT FOR THE
BEST.
BYE, LLOYD.

BEST.
BYE, LLOYD.
BYE-BYE.

BYE, LLOYD.
BYE-BYE.
VONDA?

BYE-BYE.
VONDA?
HMM?

VONDA?
HMM?
PERHAPS YOU CAN EXPLAIN

HMM?
PERHAPS YOU CAN EXPLAIN
THESE.

PERHAPS YOU CAN EXPLAIN
THESE.
OH, MY BIRTH-CONTROL PILLS.

THESE.
OH, MY BIRTH-CONTROL PILLS.
THERE THEY ARE.

OH, MY BIRTH-CONTROL PILLS.
THERE THEY ARE.
I LOST THEM LAST THURSDAY.

THERE THEY ARE.
I LOST THEM LAST THURSDAY.
LAST THURSDAY?!

I LOST THEM LAST THURSDAY.
LAST THURSDAY?!
YOU AND I HAVE A VERY SPECIFIC

LAST THURSDAY?!
YOU AND I HAVE A VERY SPECIFIC
AGREEMENT ON THIS.

YOU AND I HAVE A VERY SPECIFIC
AGREEMENT ON THIS.
BUT I WANT YOUR BABY.

AGREEMENT ON THIS.
BUT I WANT YOUR BABY.
I WANT TO BE QUEEN OF ENGLAND.

BUT I WANT YOUR BABY.
I WANT TO BE QUEEN OF ENGLAND.
AND I WANT TO BEAR YOU A KING.

I WANT TO BE QUEEN OF ENGLAND.
AND I WANT TO BEAR YOU A KING.
HIS NAME'S GONNA BE KING DARYL.

AND I WANT TO BEAR YOU A KING.
HIS NAME'S GONNA BE KING DARYL.
[LAUGHTER]

HIS NAME'S GONNA BE KING DARYL.
[LAUGHTER]
DARLING, THE RAMIFICATIONS

[LAUGHTER]
DARLING, THE RAMIFICATIONS
ARE ENORMOUS.

DARLING, THE RAMIFICATIONS
ARE ENORMOUS.
THE ENTIRE BRITISH COMMONWEALTH

ARE ENORMOUS.
THE ENTIRE BRITISH COMMONWEALTH
IS INVOLVED.

THE ENTIRE BRITISH COMMONWEALTH
IS INVOLVED.
BUT ALL THAT MATTERS IS YOU

IS INVOLVED.
BUT ALL THAT MATTERS IS YOU
AND ME.

BUT ALL THAT MATTERS IS YOU
AND ME.
YOU SAID SO YOURSELF.

AND ME.
YOU SAID SO YOURSELF.
VERY WELL.

YOU SAID SO YOURSELF.
VERY WELL.
THE ONLY HONORABLE THING TO DO

VERY WELL.
THE ONLY HONORABLE THING TO DO
IS TO GO TO ENGLAND AND SPEAK TO

THE ONLY HONORABLE THING TO DO
IS TO GO TO ENGLAND AND SPEAK TO
MY MOTHER, THE QUEEN.

[LIVELY MUSIC PLAYS]

[ROYAL MUSIC PLAYS]

[LIVELY MUSIC PLAYS]

DARLING, MY MOTHER SAYS NO.
I'M AFRAID I CAN'T SEE YOU
ANYMORE.

I'M AFRAID I CAN'T SEE YOU
ANYMORE.
SORRY.

[APPLAUSE]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY GUEST
TONIGHT HAS COME ALL THE WAY
FROM ENGLAND.

TONIGHT HAS COME ALL THE WAY
FROM ENGLAND.
THIS IS HER FIRST TIME ON

FROM ENGLAND.
THIS IS HER FIRST TIME ON
AMERICAN TELEVISION.

THIS IS HER FIRST TIME ON
AMERICAN TELEVISION.
SHE'S VERY WONDERFUL.

AMERICAN TELEVISION.
SHE'S VERY WONDERFUL.
WILL YOU PLEASE WELCOME

SHE'S VERY WONDERFUL.
WILL YOU PLEASE WELCOME
KATE BUSH.

WILL YOU PLEASE WELCOME
KATE BUSH.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

KATE BUSH.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ I HEAR HIM BEFORE I GO TO

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ I HEAR HIM BEFORE I GO TO
SLEEP AND FOCUS ON THE DAY

♪ I HEAR HIM BEFORE I GO TO
SLEEP AND FOCUS ON THE DAY
THAT'S BEEN ♪

SLEEP AND FOCUS ON THE DAY
THAT'S BEEN ♪
♪ I REALIZE HE'S THERE WHEN I

THAT'S BEEN ♪
♪ I REALIZE HE'S THERE WHEN I
TURN THE LIGHT OFF AND TURN

♪ I REALIZE HE'S THERE WHEN I
TURN THE LIGHT OFF AND TURN
OVER ♪

TURN THE LIGHT OFF AND TURN
OVER ♪
♪ NOBODY KNOWS ABOUT MY MAN ♪

OVER ♪
♪ NOBODY KNOWS ABOUT MY MAN ♪
♪ THEY THINK HE'S LOST ON SOME

♪ NOBODY KNOWS ABOUT MY MAN ♪
♪ THEY THINK HE'S LOST ON SOME
HORIZON ♪

♪ THEY THINK HE'S LOST ON SOME
HORIZON ♪
♪ AND SUDDENLY I FIND MYSELF

HORIZON ♪
♪ AND SUDDENLY I FIND MYSELF
LISTENING TO A MAN I'VE NEVER

♪ AND SUDDENLY I FIND MYSELF
LISTENING TO A MAN I'VE NEVER
KNOWN BEFORE ♪

LISTENING TO A MAN I'VE NEVER
KNOWN BEFORE ♪
♪ TELLING ME ABOUT THE SEA,

KNOWN BEFORE ♪
♪ TELLING ME ABOUT THE SEA,
ALL HIS LOVES, TILL ETERNITY ♪

♪ TELLING ME ABOUT THE SEA,
ALL HIS LOVES, TILL ETERNITY ♪
♪ OOH, HE'S HERE AGAIN ♪

ALL HIS LOVES, TILL ETERNITY ♪
♪ OOH, HE'S HERE AGAIN ♪
♪ THE MAN WITH THE CHILD IN HIS

♪ OOH, HE'S HERE AGAIN ♪
♪ THE MAN WITH THE CHILD IN HIS
EYES ♪

♪ THE MAN WITH THE CHILD IN HIS
EYES ♪
♪ OOH, HE'S HERE AGAIN ♪

EYES ♪
♪ OOH, HE'S HERE AGAIN ♪
♪ THE MAN WITH THE CHILD IN HIS

♪ OOH, HE'S HERE AGAIN ♪
♪ THE MAN WITH THE CHILD IN HIS
EYES ♪

♪ THE MAN WITH THE CHILD IN HIS
EYES ♪
HE'S VERY UNDERSTANDING ♪

EYES ♪
HE'S VERY UNDERSTANDING ♪
♪ AND HE'S SO AWARE OF ALL MY

HE'S VERY UNDERSTANDING ♪
♪ AND HE'S SO AWARE OF ALL MY
SITUATIONS ♪

♪ AND HE'S SO AWARE OF ALL MY
SITUATIONS ♪
♪ AND WHEN I STAY UP LATE,

SITUATIONS ♪
♪ AND WHEN I STAY UP LATE,
HE'S ALWAYS WAITING, BUT I FEEL

♪ AND WHEN I STAY UP LATE,
HE'S ALWAYS WAITING, BUT I FEEL
HE WILL HESITATE ♪

HE'S ALWAYS WAITING, BUT I FEEL
HE WILL HESITATE ♪
♪ OOH, I'M SO WORRIED ABOUT MY

HE WILL HESITATE ♪
♪ OOH, I'M SO WORRIED ABOUT MY
LOVE ♪

♪ OOH, I'M SO WORRIED ABOUT MY
LOVE ♪
♪ THEY SAY, "NO, NO, IT WON'T

LOVE ♪
♪ THEY SAY, "NO, NO, IT WON'T
LAST FOREVER ♪

♪ THEY SAY, "NO, NO, IT WON'T
LAST FOREVER ♪
♪ AND HERE I AM AGAIN, MY GIRL,

LAST FOREVER ♪
♪ AND HERE I AM AGAIN, MY GIRL,
WONDERING WHAT ON EARTH I'M

♪ AND HERE I AM AGAIN, MY GIRL,
WONDERING WHAT ON EARTH I'M
DOING HERE ♪

WONDERING WHAT ON EARTH I'M
DOING HERE ♪
♪ MAYBE HE DOESN'T LOVE ME ♪

DOING HERE ♪
♪ MAYBE HE DOESN'T LOVE ME ♪
♪ I JUST TOOK A TRIP ON MY LOVE

♪ MAYBE HE DOESN'T LOVE ME ♪
♪ I JUST TOOK A TRIP ON MY LOVE
FOR HIM ♪

♪ I JUST TOOK A TRIP ON MY LOVE
FOR HIM ♪
♪ OOH, HE'S HERE AGAIN ♪

FOR HIM ♪
♪ OOH, HE'S HERE AGAIN ♪
♪ THE MAN WITH THE CHILD IN HIS

♪ OOH, HE'S HERE AGAIN ♪
♪ THE MAN WITH THE CHILD IN HIS
EYES ♪

♪ THE MAN WITH THE CHILD IN HIS
EYES ♪
♪ OOH, HE'S HERE AGAIN ♪

EYES ♪
♪ OOH, HE'S HERE AGAIN ♪
♪ THE MAN WITH THE CHILD IN HIS

♪ OOH, HE'S HERE AGAIN ♪
♪ THE MAN WITH THE CHILD IN HIS
EY-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-ES ♪

[APPLAUSE]

GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, AND WELCOME TO
ANOTHER EDITION OF "WHAT DO YOU

GENTLEMEN, AND WELCOME TO
ANOTHER EDITION OF "WHAT DO YOU
[CUCKOO]"... A NEW GAME SHOW

ANOTHER EDITION OF "WHAT DO YOU
[CUCKOO]"... A NEW GAME SHOW
LOOSELY BASED ON ALL THE OLD

[CUCKOO]"... A NEW GAME SHOW
LOOSELY BASED ON ALL THE OLD
GAME SHOWS.

LOOSELY BASED ON ALL THE OLD
GAME SHOWS.
THE RULES ARE VERY SIMPLE.

GAME SHOWS.
THE RULES ARE VERY SIMPLE.
EACH WEEK, WE SHALL ASK A TEAM

THE RULES ARE VERY SIMPLE.
EACH WEEK, WE SHALL ASK A TEAM
OF TWO PERSONALITIES...

EACH WEEK, WE SHALL ASK A TEAM
OF TWO PERSONALITIES...
LORD LUPUS...

OF TWO PERSONALITIES...
LORD LUPUS...
HELLO.

LORD LUPUS...
HELLO.
AND THE DEACONESS OF

HELLO.
AND THE DEACONESS OF
DETROIT...

AND THE DEACONESS OF
DETROIT...
HELLO.

DETROIT...
HELLO.
A SERIES OF QUESTIONS IN

HELLO.
A SERIES OF QUESTIONS IN
EITHER [BELL] CATEGORY, [BUZZER]

A SERIES OF QUESTIONS IN
EITHER [BELL] CATEGORY, [BUZZER]
CATEGORY, OR SPECIAL CATEGORY

EITHER [BELL] CATEGORY, [BUZZER]
CATEGORY, OR SPECIAL CATEGORY
[GUNSHOT]

CATEGORY, OR SPECIAL CATEGORY
[GUNSHOT]
IF THEY GET IT RIGHT, THEY GET

[GUNSHOT]
IF THEY GET IT RIGHT, THEY GET
A [HORN PLAYS "SHAVE AND A

IF THEY GET IT RIGHT, THEY GET
A [HORN PLAYS "SHAVE AND A
HAIRCUT"]

A [HORN PLAYS "SHAVE AND A
HAIRCUT"]
AND IF THEY GET THE WRONG

[HAIRCUT"]
AND IF THEY GET THE WRONG
ANSWER, THEY GET A [RASPBERRY]

AND IF THEY GET THE WRONG
ANSWER, THEY GET A [RASPBERRY]
FROM THE STUDIO AUDIENCE.

ANSWER, THEY GET A [RASPBERRY]
FROM THE STUDIO AUDIENCE.
AT THE END OF THE CONTEST, THEY

FROM THE STUDIO AUDIENCE.
AT THE END OF THE CONTEST, THEY
WILL HEAR THIS... [CLANG]...

AT THE END OF THE CONTEST, THEY
WILL HEAR THIS... [CLANG]...
AND THEY MUST STOP IMMEDIATELY.

WILL HEAR THIS... [CLANG]...
AND THEY MUST STOP IMMEDIATELY.
AT ANY POINT IN THE PROCEEDINGS

AND THEY MUST STOP IMMEDIATELY.
AT ANY POINT IN THE PROCEEDINGS
THEY MAY BE GIVEN A

AT ANY POINT IN THE PROCEEDINGS
THEY MAY BE GIVEN A
[DEEP BUZZER] WHICH MEANS THEY

THEY MAY BE GIVEN A
[DEEP BUZZER] WHICH MEANS THEY
CAN ASK FOR ANOTHER QUESTION.

[DEEP BUZZER] WHICH MEANS THEY
CAN ASK FOR ANOTHER QUESTION.
OR IF THEY HEAR A

CAN ASK FOR ANOTHER QUESTION.
OR IF THEY HEAR A
[ALARM BELL]... IT'S THE FIRE

OR IF THEY HEAR A
[ALARM BELL]... IT'S THE FIRE
ALARM.

[ALARM BELL]... IT'S THE FIRE
ALARM.
WHEN THEY WANT TO INTERRUPT A

ALARM.
WHEN THEY WANT TO INTERRUPT A
[DINGING] QUESTION OR A

WHEN THEY WANT TO INTERRUPT A
[DINGING] QUESTION OR A
[BUZZER] QUESTION BUT NOT A

[DINGING] QUESTION OR A
[BUZZER] QUESTION BUT NOT A
[GUNSHOT] QUESTION, THEY MUST

[BUZZER] QUESTION BUT NOT A
[GUNSHOT] QUESTION, THEY MUST
PRESS THEIR SPECIAL BUTTONS.

[GUNSHOT] QUESTION, THEY MUST
PRESS THEIR SPECIAL BUTTONS.
LORD LUPUS, WILL YOU PRESS

PRESS THEIR SPECIAL BUTTONS.
LORD LUPUS, WILL YOU PRESS
YOURS?

LORD LUPUS, WILL YOU PRESS
YOURS?
[LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS]

YOURS?
[LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS]
AND DEACONESS, YOURS.

[LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS]
AND DEACONESS, YOURS.
[LIVELY MUSIC PLAYS]

AND DEACONESS, YOURS.
[LIVELY MUSIC PLAYS]
IF THEY GET IT RIGHT, THEY GET

[LIVELY MUSIC PLAYS]
IF THEY GET IT RIGHT, THEY GET
15 POINTS ON THE SCOREBOARDS

IF THEY GET IT RIGHT, THEY GET
15 POINTS ON THE SCOREBOARDS
HERE, FOUR LETTERS ON THE

15 POINTS ON THE SCOREBOARDS
HERE, FOUR LETTERS ON THE
BLACKBOARD FOR EACH CORRECT

HERE, FOUR LETTERS ON THE
BLACKBOARD FOR EACH CORRECT
PART, AND A SHOT FROM OUR

BLACKBOARD FOR EACH CORRECT
PART, AND A SHOT FROM OUR
MYSTERY GUNNER.

PART, AND A SHOT FROM OUR
MYSTERY GUNNER.
LIKE SO.

MYSTERY GUNNER.
LIKE SO.
IN THE EVENT OF A TIE, I SHALL

LIKE SO.
IN THE EVENT OF A TIE, I SHALL
START THE CLOCK LIKE SO.

IN THE EVENT OF A TIE, I SHALL
START THE CLOCK LIKE SO.
[LOUD TICKING]

START THE CLOCK LIKE SO.
[LOUD TICKING]
AND THERE WILL BE A CHOICE OF

[LOUD TICKING]
AND THERE WILL BE A CHOICE OF
EITHER A ["SHAVE AND A

AND THERE WILL BE A CHOICE OF
EITHER A ["SHAVE AND A
HAIRCUT"] OR A [RASPBERRY]

EITHER A ["SHAVE AND A
HAIRCUT"] OR A [RASPBERRY]
FOR THE FIRST OF EITHER THE

[HAIRCUT"] OR A [RASPBERRY]
FOR THE FIRST OF EITHER THE
[LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS]

FOR THE FIRST OF EITHER THE
[LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS]
CONTESTANT OR THE [LIVELY MUSIC

[LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS]
CONTESTANT OR THE [LIVELY MUSIC
PLAYS] CONTESTANT WHO CAN MAKE

CONTESTANT OR THE [LIVELY MUSIC
PLAYS] CONTESTANT WHO CAN MAKE
THE GOLDEN WORD "BIRMINGHAM"

[PLAYS] CONTESTANT WHO CAN MAKE
THE GOLDEN WORD "BIRMINGHAM"
FROM HIS FOUR LETTERS.

THE GOLDEN WORD "BIRMINGHAM"
FROM HIS FOUR LETTERS.
AND HE WILL GET A [CHEERS AND

FROM HIS FOUR LETTERS.
AND HE WILL GET A [CHEERS AND
APPLAUSE] WHICH MEANS THAT HE'S

AND HE WILL GET A [CHEERS AND
APPLAUSE] WHICH MEANS THAT HE'S
THIS WEEK'S WINNER.

[APPLAUSE] WHICH MEANS THAT HE'S
THIS WEEK'S WINNER.
WELL, THOSE VERY SIMPLY ARE THE

THIS WEEK'S WINNER.
WELL, THOSE VERY SIMPLY ARE THE
RULES.

WELL, THOSE VERY SIMPLY ARE THE
RULES.
WE'LL BE BACK AGAIN SAME TIME

RULES.
WE'LL BE BACK AGAIN SAME TIME
NEXT WEEK.

WE'LL BE BACK AGAIN SAME TIME
NEXT WEEK.
TILL THEN, GOODBYE FROM

NEXT WEEK.
TILL THEN, GOODBYE FROM
LORD LUPUS.

TILL THEN, GOODBYE FROM
LORD LUPUS.
GOODBYE.

LORD LUPUS.
GOODBYE.
AND FROM THE DEACONESS OF

GOODBYE.
AND FROM THE DEACONESS OF
DETROIT.

AND FROM THE DEACONESS OF
DETROIT.
GOODBYE.

DETROIT.
GOODBYE.
AND FROM ME.

GOODBYE.
AND FROM ME.
IT'S... [CYMBALS CRASH]

AND FROM ME.
IT'S... [CYMBALS CRASH]
[APPLAUSE]

AUTO-EROTICISM FOR HORNY
CARS... THIS STORY AND MORE ON
"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEXT.

CARS... THIS STORY AND MORE ON
"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEXT.
Announcer: AND NOW, "WEEKEND

"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEXT.
Announcer: AND NOW, "WEEKEND
UPDATE" WITH THE "WEEKEND

Announcer: AND NOW, "WEEKEND
UPDATE" WITH THE "WEEKEND
UPDATE" NEWS TEAM, BROUGHT TO

UPDATE" WITH THE "WEEKEND
UPDATE" NEWS TEAM, BROUGHT TO
YOU BY REINCARNATION... THE

UPDATE" NEWS TEAM, BROUGHT TO
YOU BY REINCARNATION... THE
EVAPORATED MILK FROM DEAD

YOU BY REINCARNATION... THE
EVAPORATED MILK FROM DEAD
COWS!

EVAPORATED MILK FROM DEAD
COWS!
HERE ARE BILL MURRAY AND

COWS!
HERE ARE BILL MURRAY AND
JANE CURTIN.

HERE ARE BILL MURRAY AND
JANE CURTIN.
GOOD EVENING.

JANE CURTIN.
GOOD EVENING.
I'M JANE CURTIN.

GOOD EVENING.
I'M JANE CURTIN.
HERE NOW THE NEWS.

I'M JANE CURTIN.
HERE NOW THE NEWS.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... IN AN

HERE NOW THE NEWS.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... IN AN
INTERVIEW LAST WEEK,

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... IN AN
INTERVIEW LAST WEEK,
RONALD REAGAN PROUDLY POINTED

INTERVIEW LAST WEEK,
RONALD REAGAN PROUDLY POINTED
OUT THAT, OVER THE YEARS, THE

RONALD REAGAN PROUDLY POINTED
OUT THAT, OVER THE YEARS, THE
REVEREND JIM JONES HAD SUPPORTED

OUT THAT, OVER THE YEARS, THE
REVEREND JIM JONES HAD SUPPORTED
A NUMBER OF POLITICAL FIGURES

REVEREND JIM JONES HAD SUPPORTED
A NUMBER OF POLITICAL FIGURES
FROM THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY BUT

A NUMBER OF POLITICAL FIGURES
FROM THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY BUT
NEVER ANY FROM THE REPUBLICAN.

FROM THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY BUT
NEVER ANY FROM THE REPUBLICAN.
WELL, WEEKEND UPDATE HAS LOOKED

NEVER ANY FROM THE REPUBLICAN.
WELL, WEEKEND UPDATE HAS LOOKED
INTO THE PAST HISTORIES OF SOME

WELL, WEEKEND UPDATE HAS LOOKED
INTO THE PAST HISTORIES OF SOME
RECENT MASS MURDERERS AND FOUND

INTO THE PAST HISTORIES OF SOME
RECENT MASS MURDERERS AND FOUND
SOME SURPRISING INFORMATION.

RECENT MASS MURDERERS AND FOUND
SOME SURPRISING INFORMATION.
RICHARD SPECK, WHO KILLED EIGHT

SOME SURPRISING INFORMATION.
RICHARD SPECK, WHO KILLED EIGHT
NURSES, WAS A REPUBLICAN

RICHARD SPECK, WHO KILLED EIGHT
NURSES, WAS A REPUBLICAN
PRECINCT CHAIRMAN IN CHICAGO AND

NURSES, WAS A REPUBLICAN
PRECINCT CHAIRMAN IN CHICAGO AND
WAS ONCE VICE-PRESIDENT OF

PRECINCT CHAIRMAN IN CHICAGO AND
WAS ONCE VICE-PRESIDENT OF
WISCONSIN'S REPUBLICAN RIPON

WAS ONCE VICE-PRESIDENT OF
WISCONSIN'S REPUBLICAN RIPON
SOCIETY.

WISCONSIN'S REPUBLICAN RIPON
SOCIETY.
JUAN CORONA, THE CALIFORNIA

SOCIETY.
JUAN CORONA, THE CALIFORNIA
MACHETE KILLER, WAS A

JUAN CORONA, THE CALIFORNIA
MACHETE KILLER, WAS A
SPEECH WRITER FOR

MACHETE KILLER, WAS A
SPEECH WRITER FOR
BARRY GOLDWATER...

SPEECH WRITER FOR
BARRY GOLDWATER...
AND DAVID BERKOWITZ, "THE SON OF

BARRY GOLDWATER...
AND DAVID BERKOWITZ, "THE SON OF
SAM" SLAYER, WAS, AND STILL IS,

AND DAVID BERKOWITZ, "THE SON OF
SAM" SLAYER, WAS, AND STILL IS,
A YOUTH FOR NIXON.

SAM" SLAYER, WAS, AND STILL IS,
A YOUTH FOR NIXON.
BILL?

A YOUTH FOR NIXON.
BILL?
SAN FRANCISCO RESIDENTS HAVE

BILL?
SAN FRANCISCO RESIDENTS HAVE
BEEN SHAKEN IN RECENT WEEKS AND,

SAN FRANCISCO RESIDENTS HAVE
BEEN SHAKEN IN RECENT WEEKS AND,
AS A RESULT OF THE INCREASINGLY

BEEN SHAKEN IN RECENT WEEKS AND,
AS A RESULT OF THE INCREASINGLY
GLOOMY CLIMATE OF THE CITY,

AS A RESULT OF THE INCREASINGLY
GLOOMY CLIMATE OF THE CITY,
SINGER TONY BENNETT TODAY HAD

GLOOMY CLIMATE OF THE CITY,
SINGER TONY BENNETT TODAY HAD
HIS HEART PICKED UP AND MOVED TO

SINGER TONY BENNETT TODAY HAD
HIS HEART PICKED UP AND MOVED TO
A SAFER PLACE.

HIS HEART PICKED UP AND MOVED TO
A SAFER PLACE.
WELL, TO MAKE ROOM FOR NEW

A SAFER PLACE.
WELL, TO MAKE ROOM FOR NEW
MID-SEASON TV PROGRAMS, DOZENS

WELL, TO MAKE ROOM FOR NEW
MID-SEASON TV PROGRAMS, DOZENS
OF SHOWS HAVE GOTTEN THE AX

MID-SEASON TV PROGRAMS, DOZENS
OF SHOWS HAVE GOTTEN THE AX
THIS WEEK AND ONE OF THEM, I'M

OF SHOWS HAVE GOTTEN THE AX
THIS WEEK AND ONE OF THEM, I'M
SORRY TO SAY, IS "RHODA," WHICH

THIS WEEK AND ONE OF THEM, I'M
SORRY TO SAY, IS "RHODA," WHICH
BRINGS US TO THIS WEEK'S

SORRY TO SAY, IS "RHODA," WHICH
BRINGS US TO THIS WEEK'S
CELEBRITY CORNER BECAUSE MY

BRINGS US TO THIS WEEK'S
CELEBRITY CORNER BECAUSE MY
GUEST TONIGHT IS THE STAR OF

CELEBRITY CORNER BECAUSE MY
GUEST TONIGHT IS THE STAR OF
"RHODA," VALERIE HARPER.

GUEST TONIGHT IS THE STAR OF
"RHODA," VALERIE HARPER.
HI, VAL!

"RHODA," VALERIE HARPER.
HI, VAL!
WELCOME TO CELEBRITY CORNER.

HI, VAL!
WELCOME TO CELEBRITY CORNER.
HI, BILL!

WELCOME TO CELEBRITY CORNER.
HI, BILL!
KITTEN, LET'S GET TO THE UGLY

HI, BILL!
KITTEN, LET'S GET TO THE UGLY
STUFF, FIRST... YOUR

KITTEN, LET'S GET TO THE UGLY
STUFF, FIRST... YOUR
CANCELLATION.

STUFF, FIRST... YOUR
CANCELLATION.
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT IT, VAL?

CANCELLATION.
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT IT, VAL?
OH, I'M FINE.

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT IT, VAL?
OH, I'M FINE.
LISTEN, I HAD MY SHOT.

OH, I'M FINE.
LISTEN, I HAD MY SHOT.
I GOT MY BREAK ON THE OLD

LISTEN, I HAD MY SHOT.
I GOT MY BREAK ON THE OLD
"MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW."

I GOT MY BREAK ON THE OLD
"MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW."
THEY GAVE ME MY OWN SHOW WHICH

"MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW."
THEY GAVE ME MY OWN SHOW WHICH
RAN FOR FIVE AND A HALF YEARS,

THEY GAVE ME MY OWN SHOW WHICH
RAN FOR FIVE AND A HALF YEARS,
AND NOW I'M OFF.

RAN FOR FIVE AND A HALF YEARS,
AND NOW I'M OFF.
THAT'S LIFE.

AND NOW I'M OFF.
THAT'S LIFE.
THAT'S ALL WELL AND GOOD,

THAT'S LIFE.
THAT'S ALL WELL AND GOOD,
HONEY, BUT HOW DO YOU REALLY

THAT'S ALL WELL AND GOOD,
HONEY, BUT HOW DO YOU REALLY
FEEL ABOUT IT?

HONEY, BUT HOW DO YOU REALLY
FEEL ABOUT IT?
I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT.

FEEL ABOUT IT?
I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT.
VALERIE!

I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT.
VALERIE!
I REALLY DON'T WANNA TALK

VALERIE!
I REALLY DON'T WANNA TALK
ABOUT IT.

I REALLY DON'T WANNA TALK
ABOUT IT.
VALERIE-A!

ABOUT IT.
VALERIE-A!
I'M TICKED OFF!

VALERIE-A!
I'M TICKED OFF!
YOU'RE TICKED OFF.

I'M TICKED OFF!
YOU'RE TICKED OFF.
OKAY, NOW THAT'S THE OLD,

YOU'RE TICKED OFF.
OKAY, NOW THAT'S THE OLD,
ADORABLE RHODA THAT I LOVE SO

OKAY, NOW THAT'S THE OLD,
ADORABLE RHODA THAT I LOVE SO
MUCH.

ADORABLE RHODA THAT I LOVE SO
MUCH.
NOW, WHY DO YOU THINK YOU WERE

MUCH.
NOW, WHY DO YOU THINK YOU WERE
CANCELED?

NOW, WHY DO YOU THINK YOU WERE
CANCELED?
YOU KNOW WHY THEY CANCELED

CANCELED?
YOU KNOW WHY THEY CANCELED
ME, BILL?

YOU KNOW WHY THEY CANCELED
ME, BILL?
YOU REALLY WANNA KNOW WHY?

ME, BILL?
YOU REALLY WANNA KNOW WHY?
ANTI-SEMITISM.

YOU REALLY WANNA KNOW WHY?
ANTI-SEMITISM.
CBS HATES JEWS.

ANTI-SEMITISM.
CBS HATES JEWS.
THAT'S WHY I WAS CANCELED.

CBS HATES JEWS.
THAT'S WHY I WAS CANCELED.
VAL, YOU ARE SO WRONG.

THAT'S WHY I WAS CANCELED.
VAL, YOU ARE SO WRONG.
CBS DOES NOT HATE JEWS.

VAL, YOU ARE SO WRONG.
CBS DOES NOT HATE JEWS.
I HAPPEN TO KNOW THAT

CBS DOES NOT HATE JEWS.
I HAPPEN TO KNOW THAT
BILL PALEY, THE CHAIRMAN OF CBS,

I HAPPEN TO KNOW THAT
BILL PALEY, THE CHAIRMAN OF CBS,
IS JEWISH.

BILL PALEY, THE CHAIRMAN OF CBS,
IS JEWISH.
AND, FURTHERMORE, YOU'RE NOT

IS JEWISH.
AND, FURTHERMORE, YOU'RE NOT
JEWISH.

AND, FURTHERMORE, YOU'RE NOT
JEWISH.
[LAUGHTER]

JEWISH.
[LAUGHTER]
I'M NOT?

[LAUGHTER]
I'M NOT?
NO.

I'M NOT?
NO.
RHODA MORGENSTERN IS, BUT

NO.
RHODA MORGENSTERN IS, BUT
VALERIE HARPER IS NOT.

RHODA MORGENSTERN IS, BUT
VALERIE HARPER IS NOT.
I'M DYING.

VALERIE HARPER IS NOT.
I'M DYING.
ARE YOU SURE I'M NOT JEWISH?

I'M DYING.
ARE YOU SURE I'M NOT JEWISH?
I'M SURE I'M SURE.

ARE YOU SURE I'M NOT JEWISH?
I'M SURE I'M SURE.
I'M A SHIKSA?

I'M SURE I'M SURE.
I'M A SHIKSA?
A BLAND, HUMORLESS, "MAKES A

I'M A SHIKSA?
A BLAND, HUMORLESS, "MAKES A
LOUSY MOTHER BECAUSE SHE CARES

A BLAND, HUMORLESS, "MAKES A
LOUSY MOTHER BECAUSE SHE CARES
MORE ABOUT WHISKEY AND SPAM THAN

LOUSY MOTHER BECAUSE SHE CARES
MORE ABOUT WHISKEY AND SPAM THAN
SHE DOES HER OWN CHILDREN"

MORE ABOUT WHISKEY AND SPAM THAN
SHE DOES HER OWN CHILDREN"
SHIKSA?

SHE DOES HER OWN CHILDREN"
SHIKSA?
WELL, YES, I'M AFRAID SO.

SHIKSA?
WELL, YES, I'M AFRAID SO.
THEN WHY DO I TALK LIKE THIS?

WELL, YES, I'M AFRAID SO.
THEN WHY DO I TALK LIKE THIS?
IT BEATS ME, VALERIE.

THEN WHY DO I TALK LIKE THIS?
IT BEATS ME, VALERIE.
THANKS FOR BEING WITH US ON

IT BEATS ME, VALERIE.
THANKS FOR BEING WITH US ON
CELEBRITY CORNER.

THANKS FOR BEING WITH US ON
CELEBRITY CORNER.
VALERIE HARPER, A VERY CONFUSED

CELEBRITY CORNER.
VALERIE HARPER, A VERY CONFUSED
STAR OF "RHODA."

VALERIE HARPER, A VERY CONFUSED
STAR OF "RHODA."
JANE?

STAR OF "RHODA."
JANE?
THIS JUST IN... THE U.S.

JANE?
THIS JUST IN... THE U.S.
POST OFFICE HAS ISSUED A SPECIAL

THIS JUST IN... THE U.S.
POST OFFICE HAS ISSUED A SPECIAL
CHRISTMAS-SEASON REMINDER FOR

POST OFFICE HAS ISSUED A SPECIAL
CHRISTMAS-SEASON REMINDER FOR
MEMBERS OF SYNANON.

CHRISTMAS-SEASON REMINDER FOR
MEMBERS OF SYNANON.
TO AVOID THE CHRISTMAS RUSH, GET

MEMBERS OF SYNANON.
TO AVOID THE CHRISTMAS RUSH, GET
YOUR SNAKES IN THE MAIL EARLY.

TO AVOID THE CHRISTMAS RUSH, GET
YOUR SNAKES IN THE MAIL EARLY.
WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE WE'RE GOING

YOUR SNAKES IN THE MAIL EARLY.
WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE WE'RE GOING
TO SET THE CLOCKS BACK AGAIN

WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE WE'RE GOING
TO SET THE CLOCKS BACK AGAIN
TONIGHT FOR SOMETHING THE PEOPLE

TO SET THE CLOCKS BACK AGAIN
TONIGHT FOR SOMETHING THE PEOPLE
IN WASHINGTON ARE CALLING

TONIGHT FOR SOMETHING THE PEOPLE
IN WASHINGTON ARE CALLING
"CHRISTMAS SAVINGS TIME."

IN WASHINGTON ARE CALLING
"CHRISTMAS SAVINGS TIME."
TONIGHT AT MIDNIGHT, WE ALL SET

"CHRISTMAS SAVINGS TIME."
TONIGHT AT MIDNIGHT, WE ALL SET
BACK THE CLOCK SEVEN HOURS,

TONIGHT AT MIDNIGHT, WE ALL SET
BACK THE CLOCK SEVEN HOURS,
MAKING IT FIVE O'CLOCK, THEN

BACK THE CLOCK SEVEN HOURS,
MAKING IT FIVE O'CLOCK, THEN
THOSE STORES THAT STAY OPEN TILL

MAKING IT FIVE O'CLOCK, THEN
THOSE STORES THAT STAY OPEN TILL
9:00 WILL REOPEN, MAKING

THOSE STORES THAT STAY OPEN TILL
9:00 WILL REOPEN, MAKING
CHRISTMAS SHOPPING A SNAP.

9:00 WILL REOPEN, MAKING
CHRISTMAS SHOPPING A SNAP.
NOW WE'D LIKE TO WELCOME A NEW

CHRISTMAS SHOPPING A SNAP.
NOW WE'D LIKE TO WELCOME A NEW
MEMBER TO OUR UPDATE TEAM, THE

NOW WE'D LIKE TO WELCOME A NEW
MEMBER TO OUR UPDATE TEAM, THE
FORMER ALL-STAR SECOND BASEMAN

MEMBER TO OUR UPDATE TEAM, THE
FORMER ALL-STAR SECOND BASEMAN
FOR THE NEW YORK METS,

FORMER ALL-STAR SECOND BASEMAN
FOR THE NEW YORK METS,
CHICO ESCUELA.

FOR THE NEW YORK METS,
CHICO ESCUELA.
WELCOME, CHICO.

CHICO ESCUELA.
WELCOME, CHICO.
CHICO WILL BE COVERING THE

WELCOME, CHICO.
CHICO WILL BE COVERING THE
SPORTS SCENE FOR WEEKEND UPDATE.

CHICO WILL BE COVERING THE
SPORTS SCENE FOR WEEKEND UPDATE.
[Spanish Accent] THANK YOU.

SPORTS SCENE FOR WEEKEND UPDATE.
[Spanish Accent] THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, BERRY, BERRY MUCH.

[Spanish Accent] THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, BERRY, BERRY MUCH.
BASEBALL BEEN BERRY, BERRY

THANK YOU, BERRY, BERRY MUCH.
BASEBALL BEEN BERRY, BERRY
GOOD TO ME.

BASEBALL BEEN BERRY, BERRY
GOOD TO ME.
THANK YOU, HANE.

GOOD TO ME.
THANK YOU, HANE.
PETEY ROSE... BASEBALL BEEN

THANK YOU, HANE.
PETEY ROSE... BASEBALL BEEN
BERRY, BERRY GOOD TO PETE ROSE.

PETEY ROSE... BASEBALL BEEN
BERRY, BERRY GOOD TO PETE ROSE.
$3.2 PARA PETE ROSE.

BERRY, BERRY GOOD TO PETE ROSE.
$3.2 PARA PETE ROSE.
CHARLIE HUSTLE, YOU BET.

$3.2 PARA PETE ROSE.
CHARLIE HUSTLE, YOU BET.
THANK YOU BERRY, BERRY MUCH.

CHARLIE HUSTLE, YOU BET.
THANK YOU BERRY, BERRY MUCH.
IN FOOTBALL...

THANK YOU BERRY, BERRY MUCH.
IN FOOTBALL...
I DON'T KNOW FOOTBALL.

IN FOOTBALL...
I DON'T KNOW FOOTBALL.
IN DOMINICAN REPUBLIC, FOOTBALL

I DON'T KNOW FOOTBALL.
IN DOMINICAN REPUBLIC, FOOTBALL
IS... HOW YOU SAY, HANE?

IN DOMINICAN REPUBLIC, FOOTBALL
IS... HOW YOU SAY, HANE?
UM... OH!

IS... HOW YOU SAY, HANE?
UM... OH!
SOCCER!

UM... OH!
SOCCER!
YOUR FOOTBALL...

SOCCER!
YOUR FOOTBALL...
I DON'T KNOW.

YOUR FOOTBALL...
I DON'T KNOW.
IN NATIONAL HOCKEY LEAGUE...

I DON'T KNOW.
IN NATIONAL HOCKEY LEAGUE...
I DON'T KNOW HOCKEY.

IN NATIONAL HOCKEY LEAGUE...
I DON'T KNOW HOCKEY.
[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T KNOW HOCKEY.
[LAUGHTER]
IN BASEBALL... BASEBALL BEEN

[LAUGHTER]
IN BASEBALL... BASEBALL BEEN
BERRY, BERRY GOOD TO ME!

IN BASEBALL... BASEBALL BEEN
BERRY, BERRY GOOD TO ME!
THANK YOU BERRY MUCH.

BERRY, BERRY GOOD TO ME!
THANK YOU BERRY MUCH.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU BERRY MUCH.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
HANE?

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
HANE?
THANK YOU, HANE.

HANE?
THANK YOU, HANE.
GREAT JOB, CHICO.

THANK YOU, HANE.
GREAT JOB, CHICO.
I'M GLAD THAT WE HAVEN'T HIRED

GREAT JOB, CHICO.
I'M GLAD THAT WE HAVEN'T HIRED
JUST ANOTHER STUPID EX-JOCK

I'M GLAD THAT WE HAVEN'T HIRED
JUST ANOTHER STUPID EX-JOCK
SPORTSCASTER.

JUST ANOTHER STUPID EX-JOCK
SPORTSCASTER.
MENACHEM BEGIN, IN OSLO TO PICK

SPORTSCASTER.
MENACHEM BEGIN, IN OSLO TO PICK
UP HIS HALF OF THE NOBEL PEACE

MENACHEM BEGIN, IN OSLO TO PICK
UP HIS HALF OF THE NOBEL PEACE
PRIZE TOMORROW, SAYS HE'LL GIVE

UP HIS HALF OF THE NOBEL PEACE
PRIZE TOMORROW, SAYS HE'LL GIVE
THE PRIZE MONEY... HIS SHARE OF

PRIZE TOMORROW, SAYS HE'LL GIVE
THE PRIZE MONEY... HIS SHARE OF
THE $130,000... TO THE STATE

THE PRIZE MONEY... HIS SHARE OF
THE $130,000... TO THE STATE
OF ISRAEL.

THE $130,000... TO THE STATE
OF ISRAEL.
ANWAR SADAT SAYS HE'LL USE THE

OF ISRAEL.
ANWAR SADAT SAYS HE'LL USE THE
MONEY TO BUILD A MONUMENT TO

ANWAR SADAT SAYS HE'LL USE THE
MONEY TO BUILD A MONUMENT TO
PEACE NEAR CAIRO.

MONEY TO BUILD A MONUMENT TO
PEACE NEAR CAIRO.
SADAT SAYS THE MONUMENT WILL BE

PEACE NEAR CAIRO.
SADAT SAYS THE MONUMENT WILL BE
CALLED "THE $65,000 PYRAMID."

SADAT SAYS THE MONUMENT WILL BE
CALLED "THE $65,000 PYRAMID."
BILL?

CALLED "THE $65,000 PYRAMID."
BILL?
RETIRED ARMY GENERAL

BILL?
RETIRED ARMY GENERAL
WILLIAM C. WESTMORELAND STATED

RETIRED ARMY GENERAL
WILLIAM C. WESTMORELAND STATED
THIS WEEK THAT THE ADVANCES MADE

WILLIAM C. WESTMORELAND STATED
THIS WEEK THAT THE ADVANCES MADE
IN MEDICINE AS A RESULT OF THE

THIS WEEK THAT THE ADVANCES MADE
IN MEDICINE AS A RESULT OF THE
VIETNAM WAR HAVE SAVED MORE

IN MEDICINE AS A RESULT OF THE
VIETNAM WAR HAVE SAVED MORE
LIVES THAN THOSE LOST IN THAT

VIETNAM WAR HAVE SAVED MORE
LIVES THAN THOSE LOST IN THAT
CONFLICT.

LIVES THAN THOSE LOST IN THAT
CONFLICT.
ACCORDINGLY, THE PENTAGON HAS

CONFLICT.
ACCORDINGLY, THE PENTAGON HAS
RECOMMENDED THAT THE UNITED

ACCORDINGLY, THE PENTAGON HAS
RECOMMENDED THAT THE UNITED
STATES IMMEDIATELY BEGIN WORLD

RECOMMENDED THAT THE UNITED
STATES IMMEDIATELY BEGIN WORLD
WAR III IN THE HOPE OF WIPING

STATES IMMEDIATELY BEGIN WORLD
WAR III IN THE HOPE OF WIPING
OUT ALL DISEASE.

WAR III IN THE HOPE OF WIPING
OUT ALL DISEASE.
JANE?

OUT ALL DISEASE.
JANE?
EARLIER THIS OCTOBER,

JANE?
EARLIER THIS OCTOBER,
CONGRESS EXTENDED THE PERIOD FOR

EARLIER THIS OCTOBER,
CONGRESS EXTENDED THE PERIOD FOR
RATIFICATION OF THE EQUAL RIGHTS

CONGRESS EXTENDED THE PERIOD FOR
RATIFICATION OF THE EQUAL RIGHTS
AMENDMENT.

YET SINCE THEN, NOT ONE

ADDITIONAL STATE LEGISLATURE HAS

RATIFIED THIS MOST BASIC

AFFIRMATION OF HUMAN RIGHTS.

IT IS TIME WE WOMEN TOOK ACTION.

AS A SPOKESPERSON FOR "WEEKEND
UPDATE," I AM THEREFORE CALLING
ON THE WOMEN OF AMERICA TO PLACE

UPDATE," I AM THEREFORE CALLING
ON THE WOMEN OF AMERICA TO PLACE
A MORATORIUM ON THE ACT OF

ON THE WOMEN OF AMERICA TO PLACE
A MORATORIUM ON THE ACT OF
PERFORMING ORAL SEX ON ANY MALE

A MORATORIUM ON THE ACT OF
PERFORMING ORAL SEX ON ANY MALE
UNTIL THE E.R.A. IS THE LAW.

PERFORMING ORAL SEX ON ANY MALE
UNTIL THE E.R.A. IS THE LAW.
NOW, THIS MAY SEEM A LITTLE

UNTIL THE E.R.A. IS THE LAW.
NOW, THIS MAY SEEM A LITTLE
HARSH, BUT I FEEL THAT IT IS THE

NOW, THIS MAY SEEM A LITTLE
HARSH, BUT I FEEL THAT IT IS THE
ONLY ALTERNATIVE THAT WE HAVE.

HARSH, BUT I FEEL THAT IT IS THE
ONLY ALTERNATIVE THAT WE HAVE.
I DON'T KNOW...

ONLY ALTERNATIVE THAT WE HAVE.
I DON'T KNOW...
NOW, WAIT JUST A MINUTE.

I DON'T KNOW...
NOW, WAIT JUST A MINUTE.
[LAUGHTER]

NOW, WAIT JUST A MINUTE.
[LAUGHTER]
JANE, I AM FOR E.R.A. AS MUCH AS

[LAUGHTER]
JANE, I AM FOR E.R.A. AS MUCH AS
YOU OR ANYBODY ELSE, BUT I DON'T

JANE, I AM FOR E.R.A. AS MUCH AS
YOU OR ANYBODY ELSE, BUT I DON'T
SEE WHY I SHOULD SUFFER AS A

YOU OR ANYBODY ELSE, BUT I DON'T
SEE WHY I SHOULD SUFFER AS A
RESULT BECAUSE SOME STATE

SEE WHY I SHOULD SUFFER AS A
RESULT BECAUSE SOME STATE
LEGISLATORS IN ILLINOIS REFUSE

RESULT BECAUSE SOME STATE
LEGISLATORS IN ILLINOIS REFUSE
TO BACK IT!

LEGISLATORS IN ILLINOIS REFUSE
TO BACK IT!
I MEAN, THEIR WIVES ARE

TO BACK IT!
I MEAN, THEIR WIVES ARE
PROBABLY ANTI-E.R.A. ANYWAY.

I MEAN, THEIR WIVES ARE
PROBABLY ANTI-E.R.A. ANYWAY.
I MEAN, WHAT DIFFERENCE IS IT

PROBABLY ANTI-E.R.A. ANYWAY.
I MEAN, WHAT DIFFERENCE IS IT
GONNA MAKE?

I MEAN, WHAT DIFFERENCE IS IT
GONNA MAKE?
WELL, BILL, MAYBE THIS METHOD

GONNA MAKE?
WELL, BILL, MAYBE THIS METHOD
WILL MAKE MEN LIKE YOU PUT A

WELL, BILL, MAYBE THIS METHOD
WILL MAKE MEN LIKE YOU PUT A
LITTLE PRESSURE ON THESE STATE

WILL MAKE MEN LIKE YOU PUT A
LITTLE PRESSURE ON THESE STATE
LEGISLATORS.

LITTLE PRESSURE ON THESE STATE
LEGISLATORS.
WELL, JANE, SOME PEOPLE REACT

LEGISLATORS.
WELL, JANE, SOME PEOPLE REACT
NEGATIVELY TO TOO MUCH PRESSURE.

WELL, JANE, SOME PEOPLE REACT
NEGATIVELY TO TOO MUCH PRESSURE.
THIS COULD HURT E.R.A.

NEGATIVELY TO TOO MUCH PRESSURE.
THIS COULD HURT E.R.A.
WE'D HATE TO HURT E.R.A. NOW.

THIS COULD HURT E.R.A.
WE'D HATE TO HURT E.R.A. NOW.
I DOUBT IT, BILL.

WE'D HATE TO HURT E.R.A. NOW.
I DOUBT IT, BILL.
I THINK YOU'RE JUST REACTING

I DOUBT IT, BILL.
I THINK YOU'RE JUST REACTING
OUT OF SELF-INTEREST.

I THINK YOU'RE JUST REACTING
OUT OF SELF-INTEREST.
WELL, OKAY, JANE.

OUT OF SELF-INTEREST.
WELL, OKAY, JANE.
BUT REMEMBER THAT ORAL SEX IS A

WELL, OKAY, JANE.
BUT REMEMBER THAT ORAL SEX IS A
SWORD THAT CUTS BOTH WAYS.

BUT REMEMBER THAT ORAL SEX IS A
SWORD THAT CUTS BOTH WAYS.
NO ORAL SEX... YOU KNOW WHAT

SWORD THAT CUTS BOTH WAYS.
NO ORAL SEX... YOU KNOW WHAT
I'M SAYING?

NO ORAL SEX... YOU KNOW WHAT
I'M SAYING?
I'M TALKING ABOUT A MORATORIUM

I'M SAYING?
I'M TALKING ABOUT A MORATORIUM
ON GUYS PERFORMING ORAL SEX ON

I'M TALKING ABOUT A MORATORIUM
ON GUYS PERFORMING ORAL SEX ON
GIRLS.

ON GUYS PERFORMING ORAL SEX ON
GIRLS.
UH, MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT, BILL.

GIRLS.
UH, MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT, BILL.
FORGET WHAT I SAID.

UH, MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT, BILL.
FORGET WHAT I SAID.
OKAY.

FORGET WHAT I SAID.
OKAY.
THAT'S BETTER, JANE.

HORDES OF RATS OVERTOOK A BUS IN
DOWNTOWN ALBANY YESTERDAY AND
DEMANDED TO BE TAKEN TO THE

DOWNTOWN ALBANY YESTERDAY AND
DEMANDED TO BE TAKEN TO THE
CITY ZOO, FED, WASHED, AND

DEMANDED TO BE TAKEN TO THE
CITY ZOO, FED, WASHED, AND
PRESENTED WITH LITTLE WOOLEN

CITY ZOO, FED, WASHED, AND
PRESENTED WITH LITTLE WOOLEN
JACKETS LIKE DOGS WEAR.

PRESENTED WITH LITTLE WOOLEN
JACKETS LIKE DOGS WEAR.
FORTUNATELY, MANY OF THE

JACKETS LIKE DOGS WEAR.
FORTUNATELY, MANY OF THE
PASSENGERS ON THE BUS HAD JUST

FORTUNATELY, MANY OF THE
PASSENGERS ON THE BUS HAD JUST
BEEN TO A CHEESE FAIR AND WERE

PASSENGERS ON THE BUS HAD JUST
BEEN TO A CHEESE FAIR AND WERE
ABLE TO PLACATE THE RATS WITH

BEEN TO A CHEESE FAIR AND WERE
ABLE TO PLACATE THE RATS WITH
HORS D'OEUVRES AND LIGHT

ABLE TO PLACATE THE RATS WITH
HORS D'OEUVRES AND LIGHT
CONVERSATION.

HORS D'OEUVRES AND LIGHT
CONVERSATION.
WELL, IT'S BEEN ALMOST A YEAR

CONVERSATION.
WELL, IT'S BEEN ALMOST A YEAR
THAT MAYOR KOCH HAS HAD A CHANCE

WELL, IT'S BEEN ALMOST A YEAR
THAT MAYOR KOCH HAS HAD A CHANCE
TO FULFILL HIS PROMISE TO CLEAN

THAT MAYOR KOCH HAS HAD A CHANCE
TO FULFILL HIS PROMISE TO CLEAN
UP NEW YORK.

TO FULFILL HIS PROMISE TO CLEAN
UP NEW YORK.
THE CENTER OF THE PROBLEM IS,

UP NEW YORK.
THE CENTER OF THE PROBLEM IS,
OF COURSE, 42nd STREET.

THE CENTER OF THE PROBLEM IS,
OF COURSE, 42nd STREET.
SOME NEW YORKERS THINK THAT THE

OF COURSE, 42nd STREET.
SOME NEW YORKERS THINK THAT THE
AREA HASN'T GOTTEN ANY WORSE,

SOME NEW YORKERS THINK THAT THE
AREA HASN'T GOTTEN ANY WORSE,
BUT MANY FEEL THAT IT HAS.

AREA HASN'T GOTTEN ANY WORSE,
BUT MANY FEEL THAT IT HAS.
WE DECIDED TO INVESTIGATE THE

BUT MANY FEEL THAT IT HAS.
WE DECIDED TO INVESTIGATE THE
SCENE FIRSTHAND AND, IN ORDER TO

WE DECIDED TO INVESTIGATE THE
SCENE FIRSTHAND AND, IN ORDER TO
MAINTAIN AN OBJECTIVE VIEWPOINT,

SCENE FIRSTHAND AND, IN ORDER TO
MAINTAIN AN OBJECTIVE VIEWPOINT,
WE SENT OUR FRIEND, THE

MAINTAIN AN OBJECTIVE VIEWPOINT,
WE SENT OUR FRIEND, THE
GOSSIP COLUMNIST FOR

WE SENT OUR FRIEND, THE
GOSSIP COLUMNIST FOR
L'OSSERVATORE ROMANO,

GOSSIP COLUMNIST FOR
L'OSSERVATORE ROMANO,
FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI,

L'OSSERVATORE ROMANO,
FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI,
TO TAKE A LOOK.

FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI,
TO TAKE A LOOK.
FATHER SARDUCCI?

TO TAKE A LOOK.
FATHER SARDUCCI?
[Italian accent] THANK YOU.

FATHER SARDUCCI?
[Italian accent] THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, BILL.

[Italian accent] THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, BILL.
THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, BILL.
THANK YOU.
WELL, I MUST SAY THAT I THINK

THANK YOU.
WELL, I MUST SAY THAT I THINK
THE 42nd STREET AREA HAS

WELL, I MUST SAY THAT I THINK
THE 42nd STREET AREA HAS
DEFINITELY GOTTEN WORSE.

THE 42nd STREET AREA HAS
DEFINITELY GOTTEN WORSE.
I WAS THERE FOR THE FIRST TIME

DEFINITELY GOTTEN WORSE.
I WAS THERE FOR THE FIRST TIME
ABOUT FIVE YEARS AGO, AND I WENT

I WAS THERE FOR THE FIRST TIME
ABOUT FIVE YEARS AGO, AND I WENT
BACK AGAIN, AND IT'S WORSE THAN

ABOUT FIVE YEARS AGO, AND I WENT
BACK AGAIN, AND IT'S WORSE THAN
IT WAS BEFORE, THAT'S FOR SURE.

BACK AGAIN, AND IT'S WORSE THAN
IT WAS BEFORE, THAT'S FOR SURE.
I WENT TO THIS ONE PLACE, NEW

IT WAS BEFORE, THAT'S FOR SURE.
I WENT TO THIS ONE PLACE, NEW
PLACE DOWN THERE.

I WENT TO THIS ONE PLACE, NEW
PLACE DOWN THERE.
IT'S CALLED "NUDE WRESTLING."

PLACE DOWN THERE.
IT'S CALLED "NUDE WRESTLING."
I THOUGHT, YOU KNOW, AT FIRST,

IT'S CALLED "NUDE WRESTLING."
I THOUGHT, YOU KNOW, AT FIRST,
MAYBE IT WAS JUST LIKE A FRONT

I THOUGHT, YOU KNOW, AT FIRST,
MAYBE IT WAS JUST LIKE A FRONT
FOR A MASSAGE PARLOR.

MAYBE IT WAS JUST LIKE A FRONT
FOR A MASSAGE PARLOR.
BUT NO, IT WAS WHAT IT SAYS

FOR A MASSAGE PARLOR.
BUT NO, IT WAS WHAT IT SAYS
IT IS... NUDE WRESTLING.

BUT NO, IT WAS WHAT IT SAYS
IT IS... NUDE WRESTLING.
AND THERE WAS THIS GIRL IN

IT IS... NUDE WRESTLING.
AND THERE WAS THIS GIRL IN
THERE, YOU KNOW, AND SHE WAS

AND THERE WAS THIS GIRL IN
THERE, YOU KNOW, AND SHE WAS
REAL NICE TO ME, YOU KNOW,

THERE, YOU KNOW, AND SHE WAS
REAL NICE TO ME, YOU KNOW,
REAL PRETTY GIRL, AND SHE SAYS,

REAL NICE TO ME, YOU KNOW,
REAL PRETTY GIRL, AND SHE SAYS,
WHAT IT IS IS, IT COSTS $20, AND

REAL PRETTY GIRL, AND SHE SAYS,
WHAT IT IS IS, IT COSTS $20, AND
YOU GET TO WRESTLE FOR ONE HALF

WHAT IT IS IS, IT COSTS $20, AND
YOU GET TO WRESTLE FOR ONE HALF
HOUR... 30 MINUTES.

YOU GET TO WRESTLE FOR ONE HALF
HOUR... 30 MINUTES.
WELL, PERSONALLY, YOU KNOW, I

HOUR... 30 MINUTES.
WELL, PERSONALLY, YOU KNOW, I
NEVER LIKE TO FIGHT MUCH.

WELL, PERSONALLY, YOU KNOW, I
NEVER LIKE TO FIGHT MUCH.
GOT IN ONE FIGHT MY WHOLE LIFE,

NEVER LIKE TO FIGHT MUCH.
GOT IN ONE FIGHT MY WHOLE LIFE,
YOU KNOW?

GOT IN ONE FIGHT MY WHOLE LIFE,
YOU KNOW?
WAS IN THE SEMINARY.

YOU KNOW?
WAS IN THE SEMINARY.
THIS IS TRUE... FATHER CHINGOTTI

WAS IN THE SEMINARY.
THIS IS TRUE... FATHER CHINGOTTI
IS HIS NAME.

THIS IS TRUE... FATHER CHINGOTTI
IS HIS NAME.
I NAME HIM BY NAME.

IS HIS NAME.
I NAME HIM BY NAME.
HE PULLED MY T-SHIRT DOWN AND

I NAME HIM BY NAME.
HE PULLED MY T-SHIRT DOWN AND
EVERYTHING, YOU KNOW WHAT I

HE PULLED MY T-SHIRT DOWN AND
EVERYTHING, YOU KNOW WHAT I
MEAN?

EVERYTHING, YOU KNOW WHAT I
MEAN?
WHO NEEDS IT?

MEAN?
WHO NEEDS IT?
BUT THIS WAS DIFFERENT, YOU

WHO NEEDS IT?
BUT THIS WAS DIFFERENT, YOU
KNOW, AND, UH, I HAVEN'T GOT ANY

BUT THIS WAS DIFFERENT, YOU
KNOW, AND, UH, I HAVEN'T GOT ANY
EXERCISE ALL THE TIME I'M LIVIN'

KNOW, AND, UH, I HAVEN'T GOT ANY
EXERCISE ALL THE TIME I'M LIVIN'
IN NEW YORK, YOU KNOW?

EXERCISE ALL THE TIME I'M LIVIN'
IN NEW YORK, YOU KNOW?
SO I SAYS, YOU KNOW... SHE

IN NEW YORK, YOU KNOW?
SO I SAYS, YOU KNOW... SHE
SAYS, "WELL, ALL YOU GOTTA DO...

SO I SAYS, YOU KNOW... SHE
SAYS, "WELL, ALL YOU GOTTA DO...
GO BEHIND THE CURTAIN"... THEY

SAYS, "WELL, ALL YOU GOTTA DO...
GO BEHIND THE CURTAIN"... THEY
HAVE, LIKE, FOUR LITTLE ROOMS.

GO BEHIND THE CURTAIN"... THEY
HAVE, LIKE, FOUR LITTLE ROOMS.
SAYS, "YOU TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES

HAVE, LIKE, FOUR LITTLE ROOMS.
SAYS, "YOU TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES
AND COME OUT FIGHTIN' WHEN YOU

SAYS, "YOU TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES
AND COME OUT FIGHTIN' WHEN YOU
HEAR THE BELL RING."

AND COME OUT FIGHTIN' WHEN YOU
HEAR THE BELL RING."
[LAUGHTER]

HEAR THE BELL RING."
[LAUGHTER]
WELL, I GO IN THERE.

[LAUGHTER]
WELL, I GO IN THERE.
I'M WAITIN', YOU KNOW?

WELL, I GO IN THERE.
I'M WAITIN', YOU KNOW?
IT'S 5 MINUTES, 10 MINUTES,

I'M WAITIN', YOU KNOW?
IT'S 5 MINUTES, 10 MINUTES,
15 MINUTES, YOU KNOW?

IT'S 5 MINUTES, 10 MINUTES,
15 MINUTES, YOU KNOW?
I'M COLD.

15 MINUTES, YOU KNOW?
I'M COLD.
I THOUGHT, YOU KNOW, MAYBE SHE

I'M COLD.
I THOUGHT, YOU KNOW, MAYBE SHE
WAS, LIKE, DOING SOME

I THOUGHT, YOU KNOW, MAYBE SHE
WAS, LIKE, DOING SOME
CALISTHENICS, YOU KNOW?

WAS, LIKE, DOING SOME
CALISTHENICS, YOU KNOW?
GETTING LOOSENED UP, SOMETHING

CALISTHENICS, YOU KNOW?
GETTING LOOSENED UP, SOMETHING
LIKE THAT.

GETTING LOOSENED UP, SOMETHING
LIKE THAT.
THAT WASN'T THE CASE.

LIKE THAT.
THAT WASN'T THE CASE.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DO THERE AT

THAT WASN'T THE CASE.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DO THERE AT
THAT NUDE WRESTLING PLACE?

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DO THERE AT
THAT NUDE WRESTLING PLACE?
THEY MAKE YOU WAIT TILL ANOTHER

THAT NUDE WRESTLING PLACE?
THEY MAKE YOU WAIT TILL ANOTHER
CUSTOMER COMES IN.

THEY MAKE YOU WAIT TILL ANOTHER
CUSTOMER COMES IN.
THAT GUY, YOU KNOW, HE WAS AS

CUSTOMER COMES IN.
THAT GUY, YOU KNOW, HE WAS AS
SHOCKED AS ME, YOU KNOW, WHEN...

THAT GUY, YOU KNOW, HE WAS AS
SHOCKED AS ME, YOU KNOW, WHEN...
WHEN WE COME OUT OF THERE, YOU

SHOCKED AS ME, YOU KNOW, WHEN...
WHEN WE COME OUT OF THERE, YOU
KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

WHEN WE COME OUT OF THERE, YOU
KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE LOOK ON HIS

KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE LOOK ON HIS
FACE, I'M TELLING YOU.

SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE LOOK ON HIS
FACE, I'M TELLING YOU.
ANYWAY, I WON TWO OUT OF THREE,

FACE, I'M TELLING YOU.
ANYWAY, I WON TWO OUT OF THREE,
THOUGH.

ANYWAY, I WON TWO OUT OF THREE,
THOUGH.
HEY, I MEAN, $20 INVESTMENT...

THOUGH.
HEY, I MEAN, $20 INVESTMENT...
YOU JUST CAN'T WASTE IT, RIGHT?

HEY, I MEAN, $20 INVESTMENT...
YOU JUST CAN'T WASTE IT, RIGHT?
I MUST SAY, THOUGH, THEY DO HAVE

YOU JUST CAN'T WASTE IT, RIGHT?
I MUST SAY, THOUGH, THEY DO HAVE
SOME GOOD SOUVENIRS IN THE

I MUST SAY, THOUGH, THEY DO HAVE
SOME GOOD SOUVENIRS IN THE
42nd STREET DISTRICT.

SOME GOOD SOUVENIRS IN THE
42nd STREET DISTRICT.
I BOUGHT THIS THING HERE.

42nd STREET DISTRICT.
I BOUGHT THIS THING HERE.
IT'S LIKE A LIGHTER... "BIG

I BOUGHT THIS THING HERE.
IT'S LIKE A LIGHTER... "BIG
APPLE," THEY CALL IT.

IT'S LIKE A LIGHTER... "BIG
APPLE," THEY CALL IT.
AND WHEN YOU PULL IT, LIGHTS UP

APPLE," THEY CALL IT.
AND WHEN YOU PULL IT, LIGHTS UP
FOR CIGARETTES, LIKE, YOU KNOW?

AND WHEN YOU PULL IT, LIGHTS UP
FOR CIGARETTES, LIKE, YOU KNOW?
COST $12.

FOR CIGARETTES, LIKE, YOU KNOW?
COST $12.
AND I PRICED THEM IN OTHER

COST $12.
AND I PRICED THEM IN OTHER
AREAS.

AND I PRICED THEM IN OTHER
AREAS.
WAS $12.25 IN ANOTHER STORE.

AREAS.
WAS $12.25 IN ANOTHER STORE.
AND IN ANOTHER STORE, WAS

WAS $12.25 IN ANOTHER STORE.
AND IN ANOTHER STORE, WAS
$12.35.

AND IN ANOTHER STORE, WAS
$12.35.
SO, 42nd STREET AREA IS GOOD

$12.35.
SO, 42nd STREET AREA IS GOOD
FOR SOME THINGS.

SO, 42nd STREET AREA IS GOOD
FOR SOME THINGS.
MAYBE IT'S NOT GOOD FOR OTHER

FOR SOME THINGS.
MAYBE IT'S NOT GOOD FOR OTHER
THINGS.

MAYBE IT'S NOT GOOD FOR OTHER
THINGS.
AND MY ADVICE IS THAT YOU HAVE

THINGS.
AND MY ADVICE IS THAT YOU HAVE
TO USE YOUR OWN JUDGMENT.

AND MY ADVICE IS THAT YOU HAVE
TO USE YOUR OWN JUDGMENT.
IT WAS MORE THAN WONDERFUL

TO USE YOUR OWN JUDGMENT.
IT WAS MORE THAN WONDERFUL
TALKIN' TO YOU.

IT WAS MORE THAN WONDERFUL
TALKIN' TO YOU.
ARRIVEDERCI, AMERICA!

TALKIN' TO YOU.
ARRIVEDERCI, AMERICA!
GRACIAS.

ARRIVEDERCI, AMERICA!
GRACIAS.
[APPLAUSE]

GRACIAS.
[APPLAUSE]
THAT'S THE NEWS.

[APPLAUSE]
THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT

THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT
TOMORROW.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
NOW, LOOK, WHERE IS SHE?
IT'S BEEN SIX AND A HALF HOURS.

NOW, LOOK, WHERE IS SHE?
IT'S BEEN SIX AND A HALF HOURS.
WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR SIX AND

IT'S BEEN SIX AND A HALF HOURS.
WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR SIX AND
A HALF HOURS.

WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR SIX AND
A HALF HOURS.
WHO THE HELL DOES SHE THINK SHE

A HALF HOURS.
WHO THE HELL DOES SHE THINK SHE
IS?

WHO THE HELL DOES SHE THINK SHE
IS?
LOOK, SHE'S AN ARTIST.

IS?
LOOK, SHE'S AN ARTIST.
SHE'S A GENIUS.

LOOK, SHE'S AN ARTIST.
SHE'S A GENIUS.
SHE'S A ROCK MESSIAH.

SHE'S A GENIUS.
SHE'S A ROCK MESSIAH.
SHE'S THE FUTURE!

SHE'S A ROCK MESSIAH.
SHE'S THE FUTURE!
SHE'LL BE HERE. RELAX.

SHE'S THE FUTURE!
SHE'LL BE HERE. RELAX.
LOOK, I'VE WORKED WITH A LOT

SHE'LL BE HERE. RELAX.
LOOK, I'VE WORKED WITH A LOT
OF "ROCK MESSIAHS" BEFORE.

LOOK, I'VE WORKED WITH A LOT
OF "ROCK MESSIAHS" BEFORE.
THEY NEVER KEPT ME WAITING.

OF "ROCK MESSIAHS" BEFORE.
THEY NEVER KEPT ME WAITING.
NOT ME... NOT PHIL MALONE!

THEY NEVER KEPT ME WAITING.
NOT ME... NOT PHIL MALONE!
NO, I WORKED WITH... I WORKED

NOT ME... NOT PHIL MALONE!
NO, I WORKED WITH... I WORKED
WITH HENDRIX!

NO, I WORKED WITH... I WORKED
WITH HENDRIX!
HENDRIX NEVER KEPT ME WAITING.

WITH HENDRIX!
HENDRIX NEVER KEPT ME WAITING.
JIM MORRISON NEVER KEPT ME

HENDRIX NEVER KEPT ME WAITING.
JIM MORRISON NEVER KEPT ME
WAITING.

JIM MORRISON NEVER KEPT ME
WAITING.
WHAT ABOUT JIM CROCE?

WAITING.
WHAT ABOUT JIM CROCE?
ONCE, BUT IT WASN'T HIS

WHAT ABOUT JIM CROCE?
ONCE, BUT IT WASN'T HIS
FAULT.

ONCE, BUT IT WASN'T HIS
FAULT.
I THINK IT'S AN HONOR TO BE

FAULT.
I THINK IT'S AN HONOR TO BE
KEPT WAITING BY CANDY SLICE.

I THINK IT'S AN HONOR TO BE
KEPT WAITING BY CANDY SLICE.
I MEAN, SHE'S A POET.

KEPT WAITING BY CANDY SLICE.
I MEAN, SHE'S A POET.
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH ALL OF

I MEAN, SHE'S A POET.
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH ALL OF
YOU?

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH ALL OF
YOU?
OH, HI, PHIL.

YOU?
OH, HI, PHIL.
OH, GOOD, THE BAND'S HERE.

OH, HI, PHIL.
OH, GOOD, THE BAND'S HERE.
HI, JUSTIN.

OH, GOOD, THE BAND'S HERE.
HI, JUSTIN.
DECENT JACKET.

HI, JUSTIN.
DECENT JACKET.
HOW ARE YOU?

DECENT JACKET.
HOW ARE YOU?
YOU MUST BE THE BACKUP SINGERS.

HOW ARE YOU?
YOU MUST BE THE BACKUP SINGERS.
JERRY ELDINI, POLYSUTRA A & R.

YOU MUST BE THE BACKUP SINGERS.
JERRY ELDINI, POLYSUTRA A & R.
HOW YOU DOIN', KIDS?

JERRY ELDINI, POLYSUTRA A & R.
HOW YOU DOIN', KIDS?
PHIL!

HOW YOU DOIN', KIDS?
PHIL!
BEAUTIFUL TO WORK WITH YOU, MAN.

PHIL!
BEAUTIFUL TO WORK WITH YOU, MAN.
HOW ARE YOU?

BEAUTIFUL TO WORK WITH YOU, MAN.
HOW ARE YOU?
ELDINI, WE'VE BEEN WAITING

HOW ARE YOU?
ELDINI, WE'VE BEEN WAITING
SIX AND A HALF HOURS.

ELDINI, WE'VE BEEN WAITING
SIX AND A HALF HOURS.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO KEEP AN EYE

SIX AND A HALF HOURS.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO KEEP AN EYE
ON HER.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO KEEP AN EYE
ON HER.
WHERE IS SHE?

ON HER.
WHERE IS SHE?
WHO THE HELL DOES SHE THINK SHE

WHERE IS SHE?
WHO THE HELL DOES SHE THINK SHE
IS ANYWAY?

WHO THE HELL DOES SHE THINK SHE
IS ANYWAY?
I AM SORRY.

IS ANYWAY?
I AM SORRY.
FIVE MORE MINUTES, PHIL, PLEASE?

I AM SORRY.
FIVE MORE MINUTES, PHIL, PLEASE?
CAN WE TALK FOR A SECOND?

FIVE MORE MINUTES, PHIL, PLEASE?
CAN WE TALK FOR A SECOND?
ALL RIGHT.

CAN WE TALK FOR A SECOND?
ALL RIGHT.
[SNIFFS]

ALL RIGHT.
[SNIFFS]
OKAY, FIVE MINUTES.

[SNIFFS]
OKAY, FIVE MINUTES.
JERRY, UH, COULD WE TALK

OKAY, FIVE MINUTES.
JERRY, UH, COULD WE TALK
FOR A SECOND?

JERRY, UH, COULD WE TALK
FOR A SECOND?
CERTAINLY.

FOR A SECOND?
CERTAINLY.
THANK YOU.

CERTAINLY.
THANK YOU.
UH, ANYWAY, PHIL, I THINK

THANK YOU.
UH, ANYWAY, PHIL, I THINK
YOU'RE... YOU'RE REALLY GONNA

UH, ANYWAY, PHIL, I THINK
YOU'RE... YOU'RE REALLY GONNA
GET OFF ON HER RAW ENERGY, MAN,

YOU'RE... YOU'RE REALLY GONNA
GET OFF ON HER RAW ENERGY, MAN,
YOU KNOW?

GET OFF ON HER RAW ENERGY, MAN,
YOU KNOW?
OKAY. WHERE IS SHE?

YOU KNOW?
OKAY. WHERE IS SHE?
WELL, UH, LET ME CHECK THE

OKAY. WHERE IS SHE?
WELL, UH, LET ME CHECK THE
HALL.

WELL, UH, LET ME CHECK THE
HALL.
CANDY!

HALL.
CANDY!
CANDY, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

CANDY!
CANDY, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YA.

CANDY, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YA.
PHIL MALONE, CANDY SLICE.

WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YA.
PHIL MALONE, CANDY SLICE.
SAY HELLO.

PHIL MALONE, CANDY SLICE.
SAY HELLO.
WHAT'S SHE TAKING?

SAY HELLO.
WHAT'S SHE TAKING?
SHE'S CLEAN, MAN.

WHAT'S SHE TAKING?
SHE'S CLEAN, MAN.
SHE JUST SPENT SIX MONTHS IN

SHE'S CLEAN, MAN.
SHE JUST SPENT SIX MONTHS IN
THE BAHAMAS, DETOXING.

SHE JUST SPENT SIX MONTHS IN
THE BAHAMAS, DETOXING.
CANDY, HOW'D YOU SLIP AWAY,

THE BAHAMAS, DETOXING.
CANDY, HOW'D YOU SLIP AWAY,
YOU BRIGHT, LITTLE, ELUSIVE

CANDY, HOW'D YOU SLIP AWAY,
YOU BRIGHT, LITTLE, ELUSIVE
BUTTERFLY OF LOVE?

YOU BRIGHT, LITTLE, ELUSIVE
BUTTERFLY OF LOVE?
COME ON, JERRY ELDINI, A & R,

BUTTERFLY OF LOVE?
COME ON, JERRY ELDINI, A & R,
POLYSUTRA RECORDS?

COME ON, JERRY ELDINI, A & R,
POLYSUTRA RECORDS?
LAST NIGHT?

POLYSUTRA RECORDS?
LAST NIGHT?
POLYSUTRA'S POWERFUL PUNK

LAST NIGHT?
POLYSUTRA'S POWERFUL PUNK
PROMOTION PARTY?

POLYSUTRA'S POWERFUL PUNK
PROMOTION PARTY?
HUH?

PROMOTION PARTY?
HUH?
PARTY, PARTY!

HUH?
PARTY, PARTY!
PARTY, PARTY, PARTY, PARTY!

PARTY, PARTY!
PARTY, PARTY, PARTY, PARTY!
HUH? REMEMBER?

PARTY, PARTY, PARTY, PARTY!
HUH? REMEMBER?
TAVERN ON THE GREEN?

HUH? REMEMBER?
TAVERN ON THE GREEN?
TOOTSKI? TOOTSKI, REMEMBER?

TAVERN ON THE GREEN?
TOOTSKI? TOOTSKI, REMEMBER?
HEY, YOU SURE SHE'S ALL

TOOTSKI? TOOTSKI, REMEMBER?
HEY, YOU SURE SHE'S ALL
RIGHT?

HEY, YOU SURE SHE'S ALL
RIGHT?
YEAH, SHE'S FINE.

RIGHT?
YEAH, SHE'S FINE.
SHE'S A PRO.

YEAH, SHE'S FINE.
SHE'S A PRO.
SHE'LL GET IT IN ONE TAKE.

SHE'S A PRO.
SHE'LL GET IT IN ONE TAKE.
RELAX.

SHE'LL GET IT IN ONE TAKE.
RELAX.
ELDINI, I HOLD YOU PERSONALLY

RELAX.
ELDINI, I HOLD YOU PERSONALLY
RESPONSIBLE.

ELDINI, I HOLD YOU PERSONALLY
RESPONSIBLE.
YOU WERE IN CHARGE OF HER.

RESPONSIBLE.
YOU WERE IN CHARGE OF HER.
IT'S OBVIOUS SHE'S BEEN

YOU WERE IN CHARGE OF HER.
IT'S OBVIOUS SHE'S BEEN
PARTYING ALL NIGHT LONG.

IT'S OBVIOUS SHE'S BEEN
PARTYING ALL NIGHT LONG.
WHO KNOWS WHAT SHE'S TAKEN

PARTYING ALL NIGHT LONG.
WHO KNOWS WHAT SHE'S TAKEN
AND... OH, GOD!

WHO KNOWS WHAT SHE'S TAKEN
AND... OH, GOD!
PHIL, PHIL, LET ME GIVE YOU A

AND... OH, GOD!
PHIL, PHIL, LET ME GIVE YOU A
LITTLE BIT OF INPUT, OKAY?

PHIL, PHIL, LET ME GIVE YOU A
LITTLE BIT OF INPUT, OKAY?
WHAT?

LITTLE BIT OF INPUT, OKAY?
WHAT?
GO.

WHAT?
GO.
OKAY.

GO.
OKAY.
JERRY, COULD I HAVE A LITTLE

OKAY.
JERRY, COULD I HAVE A LITTLE
BIT OF INPUT ABOUT THE ALBUM

JERRY, COULD I HAVE A LITTLE
BIT OF INPUT ABOUT THE ALBUM
COVER?

BIT OF INPUT ABOUT THE ALBUM
COVER?
THE ALBUM IS A MONSTER.

COVER?
THE ALBUM IS A MONSTER.
IT'S GUARANTEED PLATINUM.

THE ALBUM IS A MONSTER.
IT'S GUARANTEED PLATINUM.
IT'S MONSTER-MONSTER.

IT'S GUARANTEED PLATINUM.
IT'S MONSTER-MONSTER.
I MEAN IT.

IT'S MONSTER-MONSTER.
I MEAN IT.
OKAY, UH, WE'RE READY TO GO.

I MEAN IT.
OKAY, UH, WE'RE READY TO GO.
WHERE IS SHE?

OKAY, UH, WE'RE READY TO GO.
WHERE IS SHE?
SHE'S READY. SHE'S READY.

WHERE IS SHE?
SHE'S READY. SHE'S READY.
SHE'S HERE.

SHE'S READY. SHE'S READY.
SHE'S HERE.
SHE'S WITH ME.

SHE'S HERE.
SHE'S WITH ME.
[Slurring] WAIT A MINUTE.

SHE'S WITH ME.
[Slurring] WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE.

[Slurring] WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
HEY!

WAIT A MINUTE.
HEY!
CAN I HAVE YOUR BRUSH?

HEY!
CAN I HAVE YOUR BRUSH?
SURE.

CAN I HAVE YOUR BRUSH?
SURE.
LISTEN, UH, CANDY, I'M SURE

SURE.
LISTEN, UH, CANDY, I'M SURE
YOU HEAR THIS ALL THE TIME, YOU

LISTEN, UH, CANDY, I'M SURE
YOU HEAR THIS ALL THE TIME, YOU
KNOW, UH, BUT YOU'RE MY IDOL.

YOU HEAR THIS ALL THE TIME, YOU
KNOW, UH, BUT YOU'RE MY IDOL.
I MEAN, WHEN I HEARD YOUR ALBUM

KNOW, UH, BUT YOU'RE MY IDOL.
I MEAN, WHEN I HEARD YOUR ALBUM
"MAKING THE PIG SICK," I STOPPED

I MEAN, WHEN I HEARD YOUR ALBUM
"MAKING THE PIG SICK," I STOPPED
BRUSHING MY HAIR.

"MAKING THE PIG SICK," I STOPPED
BRUSHING MY HAIR.
YOU'RE INCREDIBLE, REALLY.

BRUSHING MY HAIR.
YOU'RE INCREDIBLE, REALLY.
YOU'RE GETTING A ZIT!

YOU'RE INCREDIBLE, REALLY.
YOU'RE GETTING A ZIT!
HERE.

YOU'RE GETTING A ZIT!
HERE.
UH, NO, YOU CAN KEEP IT.

HERE.
UH, NO, YOU CAN KEEP IT.
CANDY, YOU READY?

UH, NO, YOU CAN KEEP IT.
CANDY, YOU READY?
SMOKE! SMOKE.

CANDY, YOU READY?
SMOKE! SMOKE.
OKAY, ARE WE ALL TOGETHER

SMOKE! SMOKE.
OKAY, ARE WE ALL TOGETHER
NOW?

OKAY, ARE WE ALL TOGETHER
NOW?
COME ON, LET'S DO A RUNDOWN.

NOW?
COME ON, LET'S DO A RUNDOWN.
OKAY?

COME ON, LET'S DO A RUNDOWN.
OKAY?
"IF YOU LOOK CLOSE," TAKE ONE.

OKAY?
"IF YOU LOOK CLOSE," TAKE ONE.
COME ON.

"IF YOU LOOK CLOSE," TAKE ONE.
COME ON.
OKAY.

COME ON.
OKAY.
ONE, TWO, THREE, LET'S GO!

OKAY.
ONE, TWO, THREE, LET'S GO!
[PUNK ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]

ONE, TWO, THREE, LET'S GO!
[PUNK ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,

[PUNK ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT.
WHAT IS IT, LOVE?

ALL RIGHT.
WHAT IS IT, LOVE?
WHAT DO YOU WANT?

WHAT IS IT, LOVE?
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
BOOZE!

WHAT DO YOU WANT?
BOOZE!
HEY, YOU KNOW, UH, MICK,

BOOZE!
HEY, YOU KNOW, UH, MICK,
KEITH, AND WOODY WERE THINKING

HEY, YOU KNOW, UH, MICK,
KEITH, AND WOODY WERE THINKING
OF DROPPING BY LATER.

KEITH, AND WOODY WERE THINKING
OF DROPPING BY LATER.
LOOK, I GOT AN ALBUM TO DO

OF DROPPING BY LATER.
LOOK, I GOT AN ALBUM TO DO
HERE!

LOOK, I GOT AN ALBUM TO DO
HERE!
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

HERE!
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
NOW, CANDY, CANDY...

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
NOW, CANDY, CANDY...
SORRY.

NOW, CANDY, CANDY...
SORRY.
CANDY?

SORRY.
CANDY?
CANDY?

CANDY?
CANDY?
IS... IS THERE ANYTHING THAT YOU

CANDY?
IS... IS THERE ANYTHING THAT YOU
NEED, CANDY?

IS... IS THERE ANYTHING THAT YOU
NEED, CANDY?
I MEAN, ARE YOU HAPPY, CANDY?

NEED, CANDY?
I MEAN, ARE YOU HAPPY, CANDY?
I MEAN, I WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY,

I MEAN, ARE YOU HAPPY, CANDY?
I MEAN, I WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY,
YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, I WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY,
YOU KNOW?
WE ALL WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY.

YOU KNOW?
WE ALL WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY.
RIGHT?

WE ALL WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY.
RIGHT?
DOESN'T EVERYBODY WANT HER TO

RIGHT?
DOESN'T EVERYBODY WANT HER TO
BE HAPPY?

DOESN'T EVERYBODY WANT HER TO
BE HAPPY?
YEAH, WE WANT HER TO BE

BE HAPPY?
YEAH, WE WANT HER TO BE
HAPPY.

YEAH, WE WANT HER TO BE
HAPPY.
SO, ARE YOU READY TO SING

HAPPY.
SO, ARE YOU READY TO SING
NOW, CANDY?

SO, ARE YOU READY TO SING
NOW, CANDY?
GUM!

NOW, CANDY?
GUM!
GUM!

GUM!
GUM!
SHE WANTS A STICK OF GUM!

GUM!
SHE WANTS A STICK OF GUM!
OKAY.

SHE WANTS A STICK OF GUM!
OKAY.
GOOD.

OKAY.
GOOD.
OKAY.

GOOD.
OKAY.
GOOD.

OKAY.
GOOD.
ALL RIGHT.

GOOD.
ALL RIGHT.
READY, EVERYBODY?

ALL RIGHT.
READY, EVERYBODY?
YEAH, YEAH.

READY, EVERYBODY?
YEAH, YEAH.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

YEAH, YEAH.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
"IF YOU LOOK CLOSE," TAKE TWO.

ALL RIGHT.
"IF YOU LOOK CLOSE," TAKE TWO.
ONE, TWO, THREE, LET'S GO!

"IF YOU LOOK CLOSE," TAKE TWO.
ONE, TWO, THREE, LET'S GO!
[PUNK ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]

ONE, TWO, THREE, LET'S GO!
[PUNK ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]
[MUSIC STOPS]

[PUNK ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]
[MUSIC STOPS]
I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.

[MUSIC STOPS]
I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.
DON'T WORRY. DON'T WORRY.

I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.
DON'T WORRY. DON'T WORRY.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.

DON'T WORRY. DON'T WORRY.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.
NOW WHAT?

I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.
NOW WHAT?
SHE WANTS HER TO CUT HER

NOW WHAT?
SHE WANTS HER TO CUT HER
HAIR.

SHE WANTS HER TO CUT HER
HAIR.
WHAT?

HAIR.
WHAT?
IT'S SHINY.

WHAT?
IT'S SHINY.
IT DISTRACTS HER.

IT'S SHINY.
IT DISTRACTS HER.
FINE. FINE.

IT DISTRACTS HER.
FINE. FINE.
OKAY.

FINE. FINE.
OKAY.
HAIR CUT.

OKAY.
HAIR CUT.
THE HAIR GETS CUT.

HAIR CUT.
THE HAIR GETS CUT.
OKAY? THERE WE GO.

THE HAIR GETS CUT.
OKAY? THERE WE GO.
CUT THE HAIR.

OKAY? THERE WE GO.
CUT THE HAIR.
HERE.

CUT THE HAIR.
HERE.
THAT'S FOR YOU, HONEY.

HERE.
THAT'S FOR YOU, HONEY.
WOW.

THAT'S FOR YOU, HONEY.
WOW.
I LIKED IT A LOT BETTER BEFORE.

WOW.
I LIKED IT A LOT BETTER BEFORE.
DOES IT REALLY LOOK BAD?

I LIKED IT A LOT BETTER BEFORE.
DOES IT REALLY LOOK BAD?
IT'S NOT GOOD, BUT I GUESS

DOES IT REALLY LOOK BAD?
IT'S NOT GOOD, BUT I GUESS
IT'LL GROW OUT IN 'BOUT A YEAR

IT'S NOT GOOD, BUT I GUESS
IT'LL GROW OUT IN 'BOUT A YEAR
OR TWO.

IT'LL GROW OUT IN 'BOUT A YEAR
OR TWO.
RELAX.

OR TWO.
RELAX.
I KNOW A DYNAMITE HAIR CUTTER.

RELAX.
I KNOW A DYNAMITE HAIR CUTTER.
HOW ABOUT A LITTLE TOOTSKI?

I KNOW A DYNAMITE HAIR CUTTER.
HOW ABOUT A LITTLE TOOTSKI?
TOOTSKI!

HOW ABOUT A LITTLE TOOTSKI?
TOOTSKI!
GO!

TOOTSKI!
GO!
OKAY.

GO!
OKAY.
GO!

OKAY.
GO!
OKAY, UH, LET'S TRY IT AGAIN.

GO!
OKAY, UH, LET'S TRY IT AGAIN.
"IF YOU LOOK CLOSE," TAKE THREE.

OKAY, UH, LET'S TRY IT AGAIN.
"IF YOU LOOK CLOSE," TAKE THREE.
LET'S GO.

"IF YOU LOOK CLOSE," TAKE THREE.
LET'S GO.
ONE, TWO, THREE, LET'S GO!

LET'S GO.
ONE, TWO, THREE, LET'S GO!
[PUNK ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]

ONE, TWO, THREE, LET'S GO!
[PUNK ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]
♪ I'M SEXLESS ♪

[PUNK ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]
♪ I'M SEXLESS ♪
♪ I SING LOUD ♪

♪ I'M SEXLESS ♪
♪ I SING LOUD ♪
♪ KNOW THAT ALWAYS GETS A

♪ I SING LOUD ♪
♪ KNOW THAT ALWAYS GETS A
CROWD ♪

♪ KNOW THAT ALWAYS GETS A
CROWD ♪
♪ I TALK DIRTY ♪

CROWD ♪
♪ I TALK DIRTY ♪
♪ AND I'M PROUD ♪

♪ I TALK DIRTY ♪
♪ AND I'M PROUD ♪
♪ NO DRY CLEANIN' IS ALLOWED ♪

♪ AND I'M PROUD ♪
♪ NO DRY CLEANIN' IS ALLOWED ♪
♪ I AM FUNKY ♪

♪ NO DRY CLEANIN' IS ALLOWED ♪
♪ I AM FUNKY ♪
♪ I DON'T BATHE ♪

♪ I AM FUNKY ♪
♪ I DON'T BATHE ♪
♪ I AM ROCK AND ROLL'S NEW

♪ I DON'T BATHE ♪
♪ I AM ROCK AND ROLL'S NEW
SLAVE ♪

♪ I AM ROCK AND ROLL'S NEW
SLAVE ♪
♪ I AM PUNKY TO THE GRAVE ♪

SLAVE ♪
♪ I AM PUNKY TO THE GRAVE ♪
♪ I CAN'T SING, BUT I CAN

♪ I AM PUNKY TO THE GRAVE ♪
♪ I CAN'T SING, BUT I CAN
RA-A-A-A-A-A-VE ♪

♪ I CAN'T SING, BUT I CAN
RA-A-A-A-A-A-VE ♪
♪ WATCH MY BLOUSE! ♪

RA-A-A-A-A-A-VE ♪
♪ WATCH MY BLOUSE! ♪
♪ IT'S GOT THE RHYTHM ♪

♪ WATCH MY BLOUSE! ♪
♪ IT'S GOT THE RHYTHM ♪
♪ HIGH-HEELED FEET ♪

♪ IT'S GOT THE RHYTHM ♪
♪ HIGH-HEELED FEET ♪
♪ PANTS TO GO WITH 'EM ♪

♪ HIGH-HEELED FEET ♪
♪ PANTS TO GO WITH 'EM ♪
♪ I AM HOT ♪

♪ PANTS TO GO WITH 'EM ♪
♪ I AM HOT ♪
♪ DON'T NEED NO BRA ♪

♪ I AM HOT ♪
♪ DON'T NEED NO BRA ♪
♪ GOT WHAT IT TAKES TO MAKE A

♪ DON'T NEED NO BRA ♪
♪ GOT WHAT IT TAKES TO MAKE A
STAR ♪

♪ IF YOU LOOK CLOSE, YOU CAN SEE
MY TITS, 'CAUSE I WANT YA TO
BUT DON'T WANT YA TO KNOW THAT I

MY TITS, 'CAUSE I WANT YA TO
BUT DON'T WANT YA TO KNOW THAT I
DO ♪

BUT DON'T WANT YA TO KNOW THAT I
DO ♪
♪ IF YOU LOOK CLOSE, YOU CAN

DO ♪
♪ IF YOU LOOK CLOSE, YOU CAN
SEE MY TITS, 'CAUSE I WANT YA

♪ IF YOU LOOK CLOSE, YOU CAN
SEE MY TITS, 'CAUSE I WANT YA
TO BUT DON'T WANT YA TO KNOW I

SEE MY TITS, 'CAUSE I WANT YA
TO BUT DON'T WANT YA TO KNOW I
DO ♪

TO BUT DON'T WANT YA TO KNOW I
DO ♪
♪ IF YOU LOOK CLOSE, YOU CAN SEE

DO ♪
♪ IF YOU LOOK CLOSE, YOU CAN SEE
MY TITS, 'CAUSE I WANT YOU TO

♪ IF YOU LOOK CLOSE, YOU CAN SEE
MY TITS, 'CAUSE I WANT YOU TO
BUT DON'T WANT YA TO KNOW THAT

MY TITS, 'CAUSE I WANT YOU TO
BUT DON'T WANT YA TO KNOW THAT
I DO-O-O-O-O-O ♪

BUT DON'T WANT YA TO KNOW THAT
I DO-O-O-O-O-O ♪
♪ I AM BITTER ♪

I DO-O-O-O-O-O ♪
♪ I AM BITTER ♪
♪ I DON'T CARE ♪

♪ I AM BITTER ♪
♪ I DON'T CARE ♪
♪ I HAVE NEVER WASHED MY HAIR ♪

♪ I DON'T CARE ♪
♪ I HAVE NEVER WASHED MY HAIR ♪
♪ I'M IMMORAL, AND A PIG ♪

♪ I HAVE NEVER WASHED MY HAIR ♪
♪ I'M IMMORAL, AND A PIG ♪
[SNORTS]

♪ I'M IMMORAL, AND A PIG ♪
[SNORTS]
♪ AND I'M MAKIN' IT REAL BIG ♪

[SNORTS]
♪ AND I'M MAKIN' IT REAL BIG ♪
♪ DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? ♪

♪ AND I'M MAKIN' IT REAL BIG ♪
♪ DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? ♪
♪ DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? ♪

♪ DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? ♪
♪ DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? ♪
♪ DO YOU KNOW WHAT I? ♪

♪ DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? ♪
♪ DO YOU KNOW WHAT I? ♪
♪ DO YOU KNOW WHAT I? ♪

♪ DO YOU KNOW WHAT I? ♪
♪ DO YOU KNOW WHAT I? ♪
♪ DO YOU KNOW? ♪

♪ DO YOU KNOW WHAT I? ♪
♪ DO YOU KNOW? ♪
♪ DO YOU KNOW? ♪

♪ DO YOU KNOW? ♪
♪ DO YOU KNOW? ♪
♪ DO YOU KNOW? ♪

♪ DO YOU KNOW? ♪
♪ DO YOU KNOW? ♪
♪ DO YA, DO YA, DO YA, DO YA,

♪ DO YOU KNOW? ♪
♪ DO YA, DO YA, DO YA, DO YA,
DO YA, DO YA, DO YA ♪

♪ DO YA, DO YA, DO YA, DO YA,
DO YA, DO YA, DO YA ♪
♪ DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO

DO YA, DO YA, DO YA ♪
♪ DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO
DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO ♪

♪ DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO
DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO ♪
♪ DOODY, DOODY, DOODY, DOODY,

DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO ♪
♪ DOODY, DOODY, DOODY, DOODY,
DOODY, DOODY, DOODY ♪

♪ DOODY, DOODY, DOODY, DOODY,
DOODY, DOODY, DOODY ♪
♪ DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO

DOODY, DOODY, DOODY ♪
♪ DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO
DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO ♪

♪ DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO
DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO ♪
UHHHHH!

DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO ♪
UHHHHH!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

TOOTSKI!
WHO WANTS TO GRAB IT?

GOOD EVENING, I'M JOAN FACE.
WELCOME TO "CONSUMER PROBE."
TONIGHT, OUR GUEST IS THE

WELCOME TO "CONSUMER PROBE."
TONIGHT, OUR GUEST IS THE
PRESIDENT OF AN ENORMOUS

TONIGHT, OUR GUEST IS THE
PRESIDENT OF AN ENORMOUS
INTERNATIONAL MANUFACTURING

PRESIDENT OF AN ENORMOUS
INTERNATIONAL MANUFACTURING
COMPANY THAT HAS RECENTLY

INTERNATIONAL MANUFACTURING
COMPANY THAT HAS RECENTLY
EXPANDED ITS OPERATIONS TO

COMPANY THAT HAS RECENTLY
EXPANDED ITS OPERATIONS TO
INCLUDE A BRUTAL NEW INDUSTRY...

EXPANDED ITS OPERATIONS TO
INCLUDE A BRUTAL NEW INDUSTRY...
ENDANGERED-SPECIES FASHIONS.

INCLUDE A BRUTAL NEW INDUSTRY...
ENDANGERED-SPECIES FASHIONS.
HEY, COME ON, WHAT ARE YOU

ENDANGERED-SPECIES FASHIONS.
HEY, COME ON, WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?

HEY, COME ON, WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
BRUTAL?

TALKING ABOUT?
BRUTAL?
LOOK, I SELL CLOTHES.

BRUTAL?
LOOK, I SELL CLOTHES.
I'M A CLOTHES DESIGNER, YOU

LOOK, I SELL CLOTHES.
I'M A CLOTHES DESIGNER, YOU
KNOW.

I'M A CLOTHES DESIGNER, YOU
KNOW.
IT IS WITH RELUCTANCE THAT I

KNOW.
IT IS WITH RELUCTANCE THAT I
WELCOME IRWIN MAINWAY AND HIS

IT IS WITH RELUCTANCE THAT I
WELCOME IRWIN MAINWAY AND HIS
LINE OF ENDANGERED-SPECIES

WELCOME IRWIN MAINWAY AND HIS
LINE OF ENDANGERED-SPECIES
FASHIONS.

LINE OF ENDANGERED-SPECIES
FASHIONS.
[APPLAUSE]

FASHIONS.
[APPLAUSE]
MR. MAINWAY...

[APPLAUSE]
MR. MAINWAY...
HOW CAN YOU JUSTIFY THE SALES OF

MR. MAINWAY...
HOW CAN YOU JUSTIFY THE SALES OF
CLOTHING MADE FROM DWINDLING

HOW CAN YOU JUSTIFY THE SALES OF
CLOTHING MADE FROM DWINDLING
NUMBERS OF VANISHING ANIMAL

CLOTHING MADE FROM DWINDLING
NUMBERS OF VANISHING ANIMAL
SPECIES?

NUMBERS OF VANISHING ANIMAL
SPECIES?
WELL, MISS FACE, AS WE SAY

SPECIES?
WELL, MISS FACE, AS WE SAY
IN FRANCE, "RIEN NON DOUR POUR

WELL, MISS FACE, AS WE SAY
IN FRANCE, "RIEN NON DOUR POUR
D'JOUR," WHICH MEANS, "NOTHING

IN FRANCE, "RIEN NON DOUR POUR
D'JOUR," WHICH MEANS, "NOTHING
LASTS FOREVER."

D'JOUR," WHICH MEANS, "NOTHING
LASTS FOREVER."
MY ENDANGERED-SPECIES FASHION

LASTS FOREVER."
MY ENDANGERED-SPECIES FASHION
DIVISION IN MY COMPANY IS JUST A

MY ENDANGERED-SPECIES FASHION
DIVISION IN MY COMPANY IS JUST A
WAY OF IMMORTALIZING THESE

DIVISION IN MY COMPANY IS JUST A
WAY OF IMMORTALIZING THESE
BEAUTIFUL ANIMALS SO MORE PEOPLE

WAY OF IMMORTALIZING THESE
BEAUTIFUL ANIMALS SO MORE PEOPLE
CAN APPRECIATE THEM.

BEAUTIFUL ANIMALS SO MORE PEOPLE
CAN APPRECIATE THEM.
THAT'S A BRAZENLY

CAN APPRECIATE THEM.
THAT'S A BRAZENLY
SHORTSIGHTED AND SELF-SERVING

THAT'S A BRAZENLY
SHORTSIGHTED AND SELF-SERVING
EXCUSE, BUT LET'S LET THE

SHORTSIGHTED AND SELF-SERVING
EXCUSE, BUT LET'S LET THE
VIEWERS JUDGE FOR THEMSELVES.

EXCUSE, BUT LET'S LET THE
VIEWERS JUDGE FOR THEMSELVES.
WELL, THANK YOU, MISS FACE.

VIEWERS JUDGE FOR THEMSELVES.
WELL, THANK YOU, MISS FACE.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT

WELL, THANK YOU, MISS FACE.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT
THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT
THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.
NOW, HERE'S MY COUSIN DIANE

THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.
NOW, HERE'S MY COUSIN DIANE
PERSONIFYING THE SOFT AND

NOW, HERE'S MY COUSIN DIANE
PERSONIFYING THE SOFT AND
SEXY LOOK BY WEARING A SATIN

PERSONIFYING THE SOFT AND
SEXY LOOK BY WEARING A SATIN
EVENING GOWN WITH SOUTH-AFRICAN

SEXY LOOK BY WEARING A SATIN
EVENING GOWN WITH SOUTH-AFRICAN
BROWN HYENA COLLAR AND TRIM.

EVENING GOWN WITH SOUTH-AFRICAN
BROWN HYENA COLLAR AND TRIM.
I THINK IT'S HIGHLY

BROWN HYENA COLLAR AND TRIM.
I THINK IT'S HIGHLY
UNATTRACTIVE.

I THINK IT'S HIGHLY
UNATTRACTIVE.
YES, BUT VERY FASHIONABLE,

UNATTRACTIVE.
YES, BUT VERY FASHIONABLE,
BECAUSE THE BROWN HYENA'S

YES, BUT VERY FASHIONABLE,
BECAUSE THE BROWN HYENA'S
EXTREMELY SCARCE.

BECAUSE THE BROWN HYENA'S
EXTREMELY SCARCE.
DIANA'S ALSO WEARING TRUMPETER

EXTREMELY SCARCE.
DIANA'S ALSO WEARING TRUMPETER
SWAN SLIPPERS.

DIANA'S ALSO WEARING TRUMPETER
SWAN SLIPPERS.
THEY ARE VERY RARE, AND I

SWAN SLIPPERS.
THEY ARE VERY RARE, AND I
WOULDN'T WEAR THOSE OUTSIDE,

THEY ARE VERY RARE, AND I
WOULDN'T WEAR THOSE OUTSIDE,
BECAUSE THEY COST $20,000

WOULDN'T WEAR THOSE OUTSIDE,
BECAUSE THEY COST $20,000
APIECE.

BECAUSE THEY COST $20,000
APIECE.
TRAGICALLY, THERE ARE ONLY

APIECE.
TRAGICALLY, THERE ARE ONLY
ABOUT 60 OF THESE MAGNIFICENT

TRAGICALLY, THERE ARE ONLY
ABOUT 60 OF THESE MAGNIFICENT
BIRDS LEFT.

ABOUT 60 OF THESE MAGNIFICENT
BIRDS LEFT.
58.

BIRDS LEFT.
58.
THANK YOU, DIANE.

58.
THANK YOU, DIANE.
NOW, HERE'S MY VICE PRESIDENT OF

THANK YOU, DIANE.
NOW, HERE'S MY VICE PRESIDENT OF
ONE OF MY DIVISIONS... WAYNE...

NOW, HERE'S MY VICE PRESIDENT OF
ONE OF MY DIVISIONS... WAYNE...
IN A STUNNING GOLF OUTFIT.

ONE OF MY DIVISIONS... WAYNE...
IN A STUNNING GOLF OUTFIT.
THAT ALLIGATOR ON HIS SHIRT IS

IN A STUNNING GOLF OUTFIT.
THAT ALLIGATOR ON HIS SHIRT IS
AN ACTUAL EMBRYO OF THE RARE

THAT ALLIGATOR ON HIS SHIRT IS
AN ACTUAL EMBRYO OF THE RARE
AMERICAN ALLIGATOR

AN ACTUAL EMBRYO OF THE RARE
AMERICAN ALLIGATOR
MISSISSIPPIENSIS.

AMERICAN ALLIGATOR
MISSISSIPPIENSIS.
HOW ABOUT THAT?

MISSISSIPPIENSIS.
HOW ABOUT THAT?
LOOK AT THAT LITTLE GUY.

HOW ABOUT THAT?
LOOK AT THAT LITTLE GUY.
THAT'S U.S. GOVERNMENT-APPROVED,

LOOK AT THAT LITTLE GUY.
THAT'S U.S. GOVERNMENT-APPROVED,
CERTIFIED ENDANGERED.

THAT'S U.S. GOVERNMENT-APPROVED,
CERTIFIED ENDANGERED.
IT'S BARBAROUS!

CERTIFIED ENDANGERED.
IT'S BARBAROUS!
YEAH, BUT IT'S DEAD AND

IT'S BARBAROUS!
YEAH, BUT IT'S DEAD AND
THEY'RE HARD TO GET.

YEAH, BUT IT'S DEAD AND
THEY'RE HARD TO GET.
OH.

THEY'RE HARD TO GET.
OH.
I THINK IT'S KIND OF CUTE.

OH.
I THINK IT'S KIND OF CUTE.
AND THOSE GOLF CLUBS... IF THEY

I THINK IT'S KIND OF CUTE.
AND THOSE GOLF CLUBS... IF THEY
CAUGHT YOUR EYE, YOU GOT

AND THOSE GOLF CLUBS... IF THEY
CAUGHT YOUR EYE, YOU GOT
EXPENSIVE TASTE, BECAUSE THOSE

CAUGHT YOUR EYE, YOU GOT
EXPENSIVE TASTE, BECAUSE THOSE
ARE PIN BARRENS TREE FROG GOLF

EXPENSIVE TASTE, BECAUSE THOSE
ARE PIN BARRENS TREE FROG GOLF
CLUBS.

ARE PIN BARRENS TREE FROG GOLF
CLUBS.
NOW, THIS AIN'T ANY KIND OF

CLUBS.
NOW, THIS AIN'T ANY KIND OF
NORMAL KIND OF FROG.

NOW, THIS AIN'T ANY KIND OF
NORMAL KIND OF FROG.
THE ONLY PLACE IN THE WORLD

NORMAL KIND OF FROG.
THE ONLY PLACE IN THE WORLD
WHERE THEY EXIST IS IN A LITTLE

THE ONLY PLACE IN THE WORLD
WHERE THEY EXIST IS IN A LITTLE
SECTION OF SOUTH NEW JERSEY,

WHERE THEY EXIST IS IN A LITTLE
SECTION OF SOUTH NEW JERSEY,
PINE BARRENS.

SECTION OF SOUTH NEW JERSEY,
PINE BARRENS.
NOW, THAT'S NO LIE.

PINE BARRENS.
NOW, THAT'S NO LIE.
I SPEND A LOT OF TIME IN JERSEY.

NOW, THAT'S NO LIE.
I SPEND A LOT OF TIME IN JERSEY.
I NEVER SEE THESE FROGS.

I SPEND A LOT OF TIME IN JERSEY.
I NEVER SEE THESE FROGS.
THEY'RE ALSO CERTIFIED

I NEVER SEE THESE FROGS.
THEY'RE ALSO CERTIFIED
ENDANGERED.

THEY'RE ALSO CERTIFIED
ENDANGERED.
AND THE GOLF-CLUB COVERS ARE

ENDANGERED.
AND THE GOLF-CLUB COVERS ARE
MADE FROM THE SKINS AND HEADS OF

AND THE GOLF-CLUB COVERS ARE
MADE FROM THE SKINS AND HEADS OF
SOME TRINIDAD DAY GECKO LIZARDS.

MADE FROM THE SKINS AND HEADS OF
SOME TRINIDAD DAY GECKO LIZARDS.
AND YOU HAVE TO HAVE A HOT GOLF

SOME TRINIDAD DAY GECKO LIZARDS.
AND YOU HAVE TO HAVE A HOT GOLF
GAME TO WEAR THIS OUTFIT,

AND YOU HAVE TO HAVE A HOT GOLF
GAME TO WEAR THIS OUTFIT,
BECAUSE I'M PREPARED TO UNLOAD

GAME TO WEAR THIS OUTFIT,
BECAUSE I'M PREPARED TO UNLOAD
IT FOR $24,000 RETAIL.

BECAUSE I'M PREPARED TO UNLOAD
IT FOR $24,000 RETAIL.
YOU MAKE MY SKIN CRAWL.

IT FOR $24,000 RETAIL.
YOU MAKE MY SKIN CRAWL.
ANYBODY THAT WEARS THESE CLOTHES

YOU MAKE MY SKIN CRAWL.
ANYBODY THAT WEARS THESE CLOTHES
SHOULD BE SHOT.

ANYBODY THAT WEARS THESE CLOTHES
SHOULD BE SHOT.
WELL, ONCE YOU BUY THE

SHOULD BE SHOT.
WELL, ONCE YOU BUY THE
CLOTHES, YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU

WELL, ONCE YOU BUY THE
CLOTHES, YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU
WANT IN THEM.

CLOTHES, YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU
WANT IN THEM.
I DON'T CARE.

WANT IN THEM.
I DON'T CARE.
NOW, HERE'S MY GIRLFRIEND

I DON'T CARE.
NOW, HERE'S MY GIRLFRIEND
ROXANNE, DRESSED FOR A DRIVE IN

NOW, HERE'S MY GIRLFRIEND
ROXANNE, DRESSED FOR A DRIVE IN
HER GALáPAGOS FUR SEAL CAR

ROXANNE, DRESSED FOR A DRIVE IN
HER GALáPAGOS FUR SEAL CAR
JUMPSUIT.

HER GALáPAGOS FUR SEAL CAR
JUMPSUIT.
AND THAT'S AN ASIAN SNOW LEOPARD

JUMPSUIT.
AND THAT'S AN ASIAN SNOW LEOPARD
CAR-WAX MITT SHE'S GOT ON THERE,

AND THAT'S AN ASIAN SNOW LEOPARD
CAR-WAX MITT SHE'S GOT ON THERE,
WHICH IS VERY UNUSUAL BECAUSE NO

CAR-WAX MITT SHE'S GOT ON THERE,
WHICH IS VERY UNUSUAL BECAUSE NO
ONE HAS SEEN ONE SINCE 1972.

WHICH IS VERY UNUSUAL BECAUSE NO
ONE HAS SEEN ONE SINCE 1972.
THANKS A LOT, ROXIE.

ONE HAS SEEN ONE SINCE 1972.
THANKS A LOT, ROXIE.
THIS DISPLAY IS REVOLTING.

THANKS A LOT, ROXIE.
THIS DISPLAY IS REVOLTING.
I'VE SEEN ENOUGH.

THIS DISPLAY IS REVOLTING.
I'VE SEEN ENOUGH.
HOLD IT, I GOT ONE MORE THING

I'VE SEEN ENOUGH.
HOLD IT, I GOT ONE MORE THING
TO SHOW YOU... MY VEST, WHICH IS

HOLD IT, I GOT ONE MORE THING
TO SHOW YOU... MY VEST, WHICH IS
MADE FROM HUMAN SKIN WITH HUMAN

TO SHOW YOU... MY VEST, WHICH IS
MADE FROM HUMAN SKIN WITH HUMAN
TEETH FOR BUTTONS.

MADE FROM HUMAN SKIN WITH HUMAN
TEETH FOR BUTTONS.
THERE ARE STILL HEAD HUNTERS IN

TEETH FOR BUTTONS.
THERE ARE STILL HEAD HUNTERS IN
BORNEO CAN COME UP WITH ONE OF

THERE ARE STILL HEAD HUNTERS IN
BORNEO CAN COME UP WITH ONE OF
THESE FOR THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF

BORNEO CAN COME UP WITH ONE OF
THESE FOR THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF
BAKSHEESH.

THESE FOR THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF
BAKSHEESH.
ODDLY ENOUGH, THIS IS THE LEAST

BAKSHEESH.
ODDLY ENOUGH, THIS IS THE LEAST
EXPENSIVE ITEM I SELL.

ODDLY ENOUGH, THIS IS THE LEAST
EXPENSIVE ITEM I SELL.
IT GOES FOR ABOUT 50 BUCKS.

EXPENSIVE ITEM I SELL.
IT GOES FOR ABOUT 50 BUCKS.
YOU ARE A MOST OFFENSIVE HUMAN

IT GOES FOR ABOUT 50 BUCKS.
YOU ARE A MOST OFFENSIVE HUMAN
BEING, MR. MAINWAY, AND I HOPE

YOU ARE A MOST OFFENSIVE HUMAN
BEING, MR. MAINWAY, AND I HOPE
YOU GET EATEN BY A BIG FISH.

BEING, MR. MAINWAY, AND I HOPE
YOU GET EATEN BY A BIG FISH.
THIS HAS BEEN JOAN FACE FOR

YOU GET EATEN BY A BIG FISH.
THIS HAS BEEN JOAN FACE FOR
"CONSUMER PROBE."

THIS HAS BEEN JOAN FACE FOR
"CONSUMER PROBE."
STAY TUNED FOR "WILD KINGDOM."

"CONSUMER PROBE."
STAY TUNED FOR "WILD KINGDOM."
YEAH, YOU'RE WEARING LEATHER

STAY TUNED FOR "WILD KINGDOM."
YEAH, YOU'RE WEARING LEATHER
SHOES NOW, MISS FACE.

YEAH, YOU'RE WEARING LEATHER
SHOES NOW, MISS FACE.
YOU KNOW HOW MANY COWS THEY KILL

SHOES NOW, MISS FACE.
YOU KNOW HOW MANY COWS THEY KILL
TO MAKE SHOES?

YOU KNOW HOW MANY COWS THEY KILL
TO MAKE SHOES?
MILLIONS AND MILLIONS!

TO MAKE SHOES?
MILLIONS AND MILLIONS!
YOU EVER HAD A HAMBURGER?

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LAST
YEAR WHEN GARY WEIS AND I WERE
MAKING A FILM ON "THE RUTLES...

YEAR WHEN GARY WEIS AND I WERE
MAKING A FILM ON "THE RUTLES...
ALL YOU NEED IS CASH"... WHICH,

MAKING A FILM ON "THE RUTLES...
ALL YOU NEED IS CASH"... WHICH,
INCIDENTALLY, REPEATS TOMORROW

ALL YOU NEED IS CASH"... WHICH,
INCIDENTALLY, REPEATS TOMORROW
NIGHT.

INCIDENTALLY, REPEATS TOMORROW
NIGHT.
PLEASE DON'T TRY AND MISS IT.

NIGHT.
PLEASE DON'T TRY AND MISS IT.
[APPLAUSE]

PLEASE DON'T TRY AND MISS IT.
[APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

[APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
WE WERE ASSISTED BY A VERY

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
WE WERE ASSISTED BY A VERY
WONDERFUL EDITOR, AND THIS YEAR,

WE WERE ASSISTED BY A VERY
WONDERFUL EDITOR, AND THIS YEAR,
WE DROVE HER SO NUTTY, SHE'S

WONDERFUL EDITOR, AND THIS YEAR,
WE DROVE HER SO NUTTY, SHE'S
DECIDED TO MAKE HER OWN FILMS.

WE DROVE HER SO NUTTY, SHE'S
DECIDED TO MAKE HER OWN FILMS.
SO NOW HERE'S A FILM DIRECTED BY

DECIDED TO MAKE HER OWN FILMS.
SO NOW HERE'S A FILM DIRECTED BY
A FRIEND OF OURS, AVIVA SLESIN.

SO NOW HERE'S A FILM DIRECTED BY
A FRIEND OF OURS, AVIVA SLESIN.
[APPLAUSE]

A FRIEND OF OURS, AVIVA SLESIN.
[APPLAUSE]
IT'S AN UNUSUAL ACT, IF

[APPLAUSE]
IT'S AN UNUSUAL ACT, IF
YOU'RE INTERESTED.

IT'S AN UNUSUAL ACT, IF
YOU'RE INTERESTED.
I SAW THEM IN EUROPE, AND I TOLD

YOU'RE INTERESTED.
I SAW THEM IN EUROPE, AND I TOLD
THEM TO CALL ME WHEN THEY GOT TO

I SAW THEM IN EUROPE, AND I TOLD
THEM TO CALL ME WHEN THEY GOT TO
NEW YORK.

THEM TO CALL ME WHEN THEY GOT TO
NEW YORK.
THEY DIDN'T KNOW ANYBODY OVER

NEW YORK.
THEY DIDN'T KNOW ANYBODY OVER
HERE.

THEY DIDN'T KNOW ANYBODY OVER
HERE.
I TOLD THEM, "WHEN YOU FIRST GET

HERE.
I TOLD THEM, "WHEN YOU FIRST GET
HERE, YOU'RE GONNA END UP

I TOLD THEM, "WHEN YOU FIRST GET
HERE, YOU'RE GONNA END UP
PLAYING JUST TO GET KNOWN, TO

HERE, YOU'RE GONNA END UP
PLAYING JUST TO GET KNOWN, TO
GET YOUR MUG SHOT IN FRONT OF

PLAYING JUST TO GET KNOWN, TO
GET YOUR MUG SHOT IN FRONT OF
THE PEOPLE," YOU KNOW?

GET YOUR MUG SHOT IN FRONT OF
THE PEOPLE," YOU KNOW?
AND, WELL, THE FIRST THING THEY

THE PEOPLE," YOU KNOW?
AND, WELL, THE FIRST THING THEY
DID WAS DON KIRSHNER'S BOY'S

AND, WELL, THE FIRST THING THEY
DID WAS DON KIRSHNER'S BOY'S
BAR MITZVAH, AND THEY KILLED.

DID WAS DON KIRSHNER'S BOY'S
BAR MITZVAH, AND THEY KILLED.
INCREDIBLE.

BAR MITZVAH, AND THEY KILLED.
INCREDIBLE.
YES, INCREDIBLE.

INCREDIBLE.
YES, INCREDIBLE.
YES.

YES, INCREDIBLE.
YES.
WELL, THEY DID A "HAVA NAGILA"

YES.
WELL, THEY DID A "HAVA NAGILA"
THAT HAD PEOPLE NOT JUST

WELL, THEY DID A "HAVA NAGILA"
THAT HAD PEOPLE NOT JUST
ENJOYING IT, BUT CRYING, BECAUSE

THAT HAD PEOPLE NOT JUST
ENJOYING IT, BUT CRYING, BECAUSE
IT'S ANCIENT OR SOMETHING.

ENJOYING IT, BUT CRYING, BECAUSE
IT'S ANCIENT OR SOMETHING.
[BARKING TO "HAVA NAGILA"]

I MEAN, PEOPLE RUNNING AROUND,
"WHO REPRESENTS THEM?"
I JUST SHUT UP.

"WHO REPRESENTS THEM?"
I JUST SHUT UP.
THE LONGER YOU WAIT, THE MORE

I JUST SHUT UP.
THE LONGER YOU WAIT, THE MORE
THEY WANT IT.

THE LONGER YOU WAIT, THE MORE
THEY WANT IT.
I JUST SHUT UP AND LET IT GO ON

THEY WANT IT.
I JUST SHUT UP AND LET IT GO ON
ALL AROUND ME.

I JUST SHUT UP AND LET IT GO ON
ALL AROUND ME.
WELL, I SAID, "GO '60s.

ALL AROUND ME.
WELL, I SAID, "GO '60s.
GO BACK TO '60s," AND THEY

WELL, I SAID, "GO '60s.
GO BACK TO '60s," AND THEY
FOUGHT ME ON IT.

GO BACK TO '60s," AND THEY
FOUGHT ME ON IT.
AND I SAID, "LEARN THE STUFF

FOUGHT ME ON IT.
AND I SAID, "LEARN THE STUFF
FROM "AQUARIUS," FROM "HAIR."

AND I SAID, "LEARN THE STUFF
FROM "AQUARIUS," FROM "HAIR."
THEY FOUGHT ME ON THAT.

FROM "AQUARIUS," FROM "HAIR."
THEY FOUGHT ME ON THAT.
MAKING A MOVIE RIGHT NOW.

THEY FOUGHT ME ON THAT.
MAKING A MOVIE RIGHT NOW.
SO, I MEAN, NOT ONLY CAN WE DO

MAKING A MOVIE RIGHT NOW.
SO, I MEAN, NOT ONLY CAN WE DO
IT HERE, WE CAN TOUR IT.

SO, I MEAN, NOT ONLY CAN WE DO
IT HERE, WE CAN TOUR IT.
[INTRO TO "AQUARIUS" PLAYS]

IT HERE, WE CAN TOUR IT.
[INTRO TO "AQUARIUS" PLAYS]
[BARKING]

THEY'RE WORKING WITH A GUY NAMED
MARIO.
HE'S A SOLOIST.

MARIO.
HE'S A SOLOIST.
HE'S GOOD, BUT IT'S LIKE AN

HE'S A SOLOIST.
HE'S GOOD, BUT IT'S LIKE AN
EMOTIONAL THING.

HE'S GOOD, BUT IT'S LIKE AN
EMOTIONAL THING.
I MEAN, THE GUY FED THEM WHEN

EMOTIONAL THING.
I MEAN, THE GUY FED THEM WHEN
THEY WERE NOTHING, YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, THE GUY FED THEM WHEN
THEY WERE NOTHING, YOU KNOW?
[BARKING]

Announcer: TIME NOW FOR
"COCHISE AT OXFORD."
THIS WEEK, EPISODE ONE... "TEA

"COCHISE AT OXFORD."
THIS WEEK, EPISODE ONE... "TEA
AND TOMAHAWKS."

THIS WEEK, EPISODE ONE... "TEA
AND TOMAHAWKS."
WE JOIN COCHISE'S NEW RHETORIC

AND TOMAHAWKS."
WE JOIN COCHISE'S NEW RHETORIC
PROFESSOR AS HE ASKS THE LAST

WE JOIN COCHISE'S NEW RHETORIC
PROFESSOR AS HE ASKS THE LAST
QUESTION ON AN EXAM.

PROFESSOR AS HE ASKS THE LAST
QUESTION ON AN EXAM.
AND ONE FINAL QUESTION.

QUESTION ON AN EXAM.
AND ONE FINAL QUESTION.
WOULD YOU PREFER TO SPEND A

AND ONE FINAL QUESTION.
WOULD YOU PREFER TO SPEND A
FORTNIGHT IN AN ONION CELLAR

WOULD YOU PREFER TO SPEND A
FORTNIGHT IN AN ONION CELLAR
SEARCHING FOR, UM, MAN'S

FORTNIGHT IN AN ONION CELLAR
SEARCHING FOR, UM, MAN'S
INHUMANITY TO MAN OR HAVE ALL OF

SEARCHING FOR, UM, MAN'S
INHUMANITY TO MAN OR HAVE ALL OF
THOMAS HARDY'S FURNITURE START

INHUMANITY TO MAN OR HAVE ALL OF
THOMAS HARDY'S FURNITURE START
SWELLING UP, SAY, TWO, THREE,

THOMAS HARDY'S FURNITURE START
SWELLING UP, SAY, TWO, THREE,
FOUR TIMES ITS NORMAL SIZE?

SWELLING UP, SAY, TWO, THREE,
FOUR TIMES ITS NORMAL SIZE?
YOU IN THE ONION CELLAR OR

FOUR TIMES ITS NORMAL SIZE?
YOU IN THE ONION CELLAR OR
MR. HARDY'S FURNITURE, NO DOUBT

YOU IN THE ONION CELLAR OR
MR. HARDY'S FURNITURE, NO DOUBT
FRIGHTENING THE DEAR OLD MAN

MR. HARDY'S FURNITURE, NO DOUBT
FRIGHTENING THE DEAR OLD MAN
HALF OUT OF HIS WITS INTO THE

FRIGHTENING THE DEAR OLD MAN
HALF OUT OF HIS WITS INTO THE
BARGAIN.

HALF OUT OF HIS WITS INTO THE
BARGAIN.
COUCHES AND TABLES BULGING UP

BARGAIN.
COUCHES AND TABLES BULGING UP
THIS WAY AND THAT, AND THERE,

COUCHES AND TABLES BULGING UP
THIS WAY AND THAT, AND THERE,
DEAR MR. HARDY STAGGERING BACK

THIS WAY AND THAT, AND THERE,
DEAR MR. HARDY STAGGERING BACK
IN DISBELIEF, SEARCHING HIS

DEAR MR. HARDY STAGGERING BACK
IN DISBELIEF, SEARCHING HIS
POETIC SOUL FOR SOME EXPLANATION

IN DISBELIEF, SEARCHING HIS
POETIC SOUL FOR SOME EXPLANATION
FOR THIS HORRID VISION.

POETIC SOUL FOR SOME EXPLANATION
FOR THIS HORRID VISION.
YOUR INSIGNIFICANT SELVES IN AN

FOR THIS HORRID VISION.
YOUR INSIGNIFICANT SELVES IN AN
ONION CELLAR OR THE INCOMPARABLE

YOUR INSIGNIFICANT SELVES IN AN
ONION CELLAR OR THE INCOMPARABLE
THOMAS HARDY, PERHAPS EVEN

ONION CELLAR OR THE INCOMPARABLE
THOMAS HARDY, PERHAPS EVEN
STRUCK DOWN BY A MILK LORRY IN

THOMAS HARDY, PERHAPS EVEN
STRUCK DOWN BY A MILK LORRY IN
HIS ATTEMPT TO FLEE THE HORRORS

STRUCK DOWN BY A MILK LORRY IN
HIS ATTEMPT TO FLEE THE HORRORS
OF INFLATED CHAIRS AND OTTOMANS,

HIS ATTEMPT TO FLEE THE HORRORS
OF INFLATED CHAIRS AND OTTOMANS,
OUTSIZED HIGHBOYS, ENGORGED LOVE

OF INFLATED CHAIRS AND OTTOMANS,
OUTSIZED HIGHBOYS, ENGORGED LOVE
SEATS, GOLIATH QUEEN ANNE

OUTSIZED HIGHBOYS, ENGORGED LOVE
SEATS, GOLIATH QUEEN ANNE
TABLES, BULBOUS END TABLES, AND

SEATS, GOLIATH QUEEN ANNE
TABLES, BULBOUS END TABLES, AND
ALL THE OTHER VILLAINY THAT

TABLES, BULBOUS END TABLES, AND
ALL THE OTHER VILLAINY THAT
MAKES THIS ABHORRENT VISION

ALL THE OTHER VILLAINY THAT
MAKES THIS ABHORRENT VISION
WORTHY OF REJECTION.

MAKES THIS ABHORRENT VISION
WORTHY OF REJECTION.
ALL DONE? VERY WELL.

WORTHY OF REJECTION.
ALL DONE? VERY WELL.
PUT YOUR PENS DOWN.

ALL DONE? VERY WELL.
PUT YOUR PENS DOWN.
QUICK, WHAT WEIGHS MORE... A

PUT YOUR PENS DOWN.
QUICK, WHAT WEIGHS MORE... A
POUND OF FLESH NEAREST THE HEART

QUICK, WHAT WEIGHS MORE... A
POUND OF FLESH NEAREST THE HEART
OR A POUND ON THE HEAD?

POUND OF FLESH NEAREST THE HEART
OR A POUND ON THE HEAD?
A POUND ON THE HEAD!

OR A POUND ON THE HEAD?
A POUND ON THE HEAD!
WHO HAD HEMORRHOIDS?

A POUND ON THE HEAD!
WHO HAD HEMORRHOIDS?
NAPOLEON!

WHO HAD HEMORRHOIDS?
NAPOLEON!
MAYBERRY-SIMS, HOW DO YOU

NAPOLEON!
MAYBERRY-SIMS, HOW DO YOU
GET DOWN FROM AN ELEPHANT?

MAYBERRY-SIMS, HOW DO YOU
GET DOWN FROM AN ELEPHANT?
> I'M NOT MAYBERRY-SIMS, SIR.

GET DOWN FROM AN ELEPHANT?
> I'M NOT MAYBERRY-SIMS, SIR.
I KNOW, SIR!

> I'M NOT MAYBERRY-SIMS, SIR.
I KNOW, SIR!
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

I KNOW, SIR!
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
NAMES AREN'T IMPORTANT, SIR.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
NAMES AREN'T IMPORTANT, SIR.
QUITE RIGHT!

NAMES AREN'T IMPORTANT, SIR.
QUITE RIGHT!
HOW DO YOU GET DOWN FROM AN

QUITE RIGHT!
HOW DO YOU GET DOWN FROM AN
ELEPHANT?

HOW DO YOU GET DOWN FROM AN
ELEPHANT?
WELL, YOU WAIT UNTIL THEY GET

ELEPHANT?
WELL, YOU WAIT UNTIL THEY GET
INTO YOUR PAJAMAS, AND THEN YOU

WELL, YOU WAIT UNTIL THEY GET
INTO YOUR PAJAMAS, AND THEN YOU
SHOOT THEM DOWN.

INTO YOUR PAJAMAS, AND THEN YOU
SHOOT THEM DOWN.
HMM, HMM, HMM.

SHOOT THEM DOWN.
HMM, HMM, HMM.
THE HAND THAT ROCKS THE CRADLE,

HMM, HMM, HMM.
THE HAND THAT ROCKS THE CRADLE,
PULLS THE PAJAMA CORD, IS THAT

THE HAND THAT ROCKS THE CRADLE,
PULLS THE PAJAMA CORD, IS THAT
IT?

PULLS THE PAJAMA CORD, IS THAT
IT?
PULLS THE TRIGGER, MORE THAN

IT?
PULLS THE TRIGGER, MORE THAN
LIKELY, SIR.

PULLS THE TRIGGER, MORE THAN
LIKELY, SIR.
MAYBERRY-SIMS, WHAT HAVE YOU

LIKELY, SIR.
MAYBERRY-SIMS, WHAT HAVE YOU
TO SAY TO THAT?

MAYBERRY-SIMS, WHAT HAVE YOU
TO SAY TO THAT?
I'M NOT MAYBERRY-SIMS, SIR.

TO SAY TO THAT?
I'M NOT MAYBERRY-SIMS, SIR.
WHERE THE DEVIL IS

I'M NOT MAYBERRY-SIMS, SIR.
WHERE THE DEVIL IS
MAYBERRY-SIMS?

WHERE THE DEVIL IS
MAYBERRY-SIMS?
HE WAS HIT, SIR!

MAYBERRY-SIMS?
HE WAS HIT, SIR!
WAS HE SHOT?

HE WAS HIT, SIR!
WAS HE SHOT?
IN HIS PAJAMAS.

WAS HE SHOT?
IN HIS PAJAMAS.
WHAT WAS HE DOING IN HIS

IN HIS PAJAMAS.
WHAT WAS HE DOING IN HIS
PAJAMAS?

WHAT WAS HE DOING IN HIS
PAJAMAS?
SLEEPING!

PAJAMAS?
SLEEPING!
VERY GOOD.

SLEEPING!
VERY GOOD.
NOW, ALL OF YOU, AN EXERCISE.

VERY GOOD.
NOW, ALL OF YOU, AN EXERCISE.
I WANT YOU ALL TO EMPTY THE

NOW, ALL OF YOU, AN EXERCISE.
I WANT YOU ALL TO EMPTY THE
LEFT-HAND SIDE OF YOUR BRAINS.

I WANT YOU ALL TO EMPTY THE
LEFT-HAND SIDE OF YOUR BRAINS.
EMPTY ALL THE THOUGHTS OUT OF

LEFT-HAND SIDE OF YOUR BRAINS.
EMPTY ALL THE THOUGHTS OUT OF
THE LEFT-HAND SIDE AND LEAVE THE

EMPTY ALL THE THOUGHTS OUT OF
THE LEFT-HAND SIDE AND LEAVE THE
RIGHT AS IT IS.

THE LEFT-HAND SIDE AND LEAVE THE
RIGHT AS IT IS.
MM-HMM. MM-HMM.

RIGHT AS IT IS.
MM-HMM. MM-HMM.
NOW YOU'RE EXPERIENCING A FORM

MM-HMM. MM-HMM.
NOW YOU'RE EXPERIENCING A FORM
OF ABJECT CLARITY.

NOW YOU'RE EXPERIENCING A FORM
OF ABJECT CLARITY.
NOW, TELL ME, WHICH CAME

OF ABJECT CLARITY.
NOW, TELL ME, WHICH CAME
FIRST, THE CHICKEN OR THE EGG?

NOW, TELL ME, WHICH CAME
FIRST, THE CHICKEN OR THE EGG?
[ALL MUMBLING]

FIRST, THE CHICKEN OR THE EGG?
[ALL MUMBLING]
DOESN'T ANYBODY KNOW?

[ALL MUMBLING]
DOESN'T ANYBODY KNOW?
SOMEBODY MUST KNOW.

DOESN'T ANYBODY KNOW?
SOMEBODY MUST KNOW.
WHO CAME FIRST, THE CHICKEN

SOMEBODY MUST KNOW.
WHO CAME FIRST, THE CHICKEN
OR THE EGG?

WHO CAME FIRST, THE CHICKEN
OR THE EGG?
[ALL MUMBLING]

OR THE EGG?
[ALL MUMBLING]
AH, YOU MUST BE THE NEW FELLOW.

[ALL MUMBLING]
AH, YOU MUST BE THE NEW FELLOW.
HOW DO YOU DO?

AH, YOU MUST BE THE NEW FELLOW.
HOW DO YOU DO?
[ALL MUMBLING]

HOW DO YOU DO?
[ALL MUMBLING]
ALL OF YOU!

[ALL MUMBLING]
ALL OF YOU!
ALL OF YOU, FILL UP THE LEFT

ALL OF YOU!
ALL OF YOU, FILL UP THE LEFT
SIDE OF YOUR BRAINS AGAIN,

ALL OF YOU, FILL UP THE LEFT
SIDE OF YOUR BRAINS AGAIN,
PLEASE!

SIDE OF YOUR BRAINS AGAIN,
PLEASE!
NOW THEN, THIS IS COCHISE, A

PLEASE!
NOW THEN, THIS IS COCHISE, A
FULL-BLOODED APACHE INDIAN.

NOW THEN, THIS IS COCHISE, A
FULL-BLOODED APACHE INDIAN.
A WOO-WOO INDIAN OR A

FULL-BLOODED APACHE INDIAN.
A WOO-WOO INDIAN OR A
INDIA INDIAN?

A WOO-WOO INDIAN OR A
INDIA INDIAN?
UH...

INDIA INDIAN?
UH...
A WOO-WOO INDIAN, I WOULD SAY.

UH...
A WOO-WOO INDIAN, I WOULD SAY.
DO YOU HAVE A BOOK?

A WOO-WOO INDIAN, I WOULD SAY.
DO YOU HAVE A BOOK?
GOOD.

DO YOU HAVE A BOOK?
GOOD.
GO SIT DOWN THERE WITH THE

GOOD.
GO SIT DOWN THERE WITH THE
CATHOLICS.

GO SIT DOWN THERE WITH THE
CATHOLICS.
THERE'S NO ROOM!

CATHOLICS.
THERE'S NO ROOM!
WELL, MAKE SOME ROOM.

THERE'S NO ROOM!
WELL, MAKE SOME ROOM.
COME ON, NOW.

WELL, MAKE SOME ROOM.
COME ON, NOW.
NOW, THEN, CLASS, WHAT'S YOUR

COME ON, NOW.
NOW, THEN, CLASS, WHAT'S YOUR
FAVORITE LAW?

NOW, THEN, CLASS, WHAT'S YOUR
FAVORITE LAW?
THE NATURAL LAW!

FAVORITE LAW?
THE NATURAL LAW!
WHY?

THE NATURAL LAW!
WHY?
BECAUSE IT'S ALL-NATURAL!

WHY?
BECAUSE IT'S ALL-NATURAL!
WHO ENFORCES THE NATURAL LAW?

BECAUSE IT'S ALL-NATURAL!
WHO ENFORCES THE NATURAL LAW?
THE POLICE, USUALLY.

WHO ENFORCES THE NATURAL LAW?
THE POLICE, USUALLY.
NAME SOMETHING THAT ISN'T

THE POLICE, USUALLY.
NAME SOMETHING THAT ISN'T
COVERED UNDER THE NATURAL LAW.

NAME SOMETHING THAT ISN'T
COVERED UNDER THE NATURAL LAW.
ARTIFICIAL FLOWERS AND

COVERED UNDER THE NATURAL LAW.
ARTIFICIAL FLOWERS AND
UNLICENSED PHYSICIANS.

ARTIFICIAL FLOWERS AND
UNLICENSED PHYSICIANS.
GOOD! ANYONE ELSE?

UNLICENSED PHYSICIANS.
GOOD! ANYONE ELSE?
EVERYTHING THAT ISN'T

GOOD! ANYONE ELSE?
EVERYTHING THAT ISN'T
NATURAL.

EVERYTHING THAT ISN'T
NATURAL.
PERFECT!

NATURAL.
PERFECT!
WHAT ISN'T NATURAL?

PERFECT!
WHAT ISN'T NATURAL?
OH!

WHAT ISN'T NATURAL?
OH!
FOR AN ANIMAL TO ACT IN A MOST

OH!
FOR AN ANIMAL TO ACT IN A MOST
UNUSUAL WAY.

FOR AN ANIMAL TO ACT IN A MOST
UNUSUAL WAY.
REALLY?

UNUSUAL WAY.
REALLY?
DOES THE NATURAL LAW PERMIT A

REALLY?
DOES THE NATURAL LAW PERMIT A
CREATURE TO BEFOUL ITSELF?

DOES THE NATURAL LAW PERMIT A
CREATURE TO BEFOUL ITSELF?
NEVER!

CREATURE TO BEFOUL ITSELF?
NEVER!
WHAT ABOUT DUCKS?

NEVER!
WHAT ABOUT DUCKS?
DUCKS?

WHAT ABOUT DUCKS?
DUCKS?
CONSIDER DUCKS.

DUCKS?
CONSIDER DUCKS.
IF A DUCK WERE TO WET, WOULD IT

CONSIDER DUCKS.
IF A DUCK WERE TO WET, WOULD IT
NOT SOIL ITS OWN LARGE, WEBBED

IF A DUCK WERE TO WET, WOULD IT
NOT SOIL ITS OWN LARGE, WEBBED
FEET?

NOT SOIL ITS OWN LARGE, WEBBED
FEET?
DUCKS WET IN THE WATER, THEN

FEET?
DUCKS WET IN THE WATER, THEN
SWIM AWAY FROM IT.

DUCKS WET IN THE WATER, THEN
SWIM AWAY FROM IT.
AND WHAT ABOUT THE ONES THAT

SWIM AWAY FROM IT.
AND WHAT ABOUT THE ONES THAT
WALK AROUND ON THE SHORE?

AND WHAT ABOUT THE ONES THAT
WALK AROUND ON THE SHORE?
SURELY THEY'RE NOT RUNNING INTO

WALK AROUND ON THE SHORE?
SURELY THEY'RE NOT RUNNING INTO
THE SEA WHENEVER THE PRESSING

SURELY THEY'RE NOT RUNNING INTO
THE SEA WHENEVER THE PRESSING
NEED TO TAKE A LEAK IS WITH

THE SEA WHENEVER THE PRESSING
NEED TO TAKE A LEAK IS WITH
THEM!

NEED TO TAKE A LEAK IS WITH
THEM!
WELL, THEY LIFT THEIR LEG.

THEM!
WELL, THEY LIFT THEIR LEG.
WHAT?

WELL, THEY LIFT THEIR LEG.
WHAT?
AND THEN THEY PUT THEIR FOOT

WHAT?
AND THEN THEY PUT THEIR FOOT
RIGHT DOWN IN THE BIG, ORANGE

AND THEN THEY PUT THEIR FOOT
RIGHT DOWN IN THE BIG, ORANGE
PUDDLE?

RIGHT DOWN IN THE BIG, ORANGE
PUDDLE?
HOW UNNATURAL!

PUDDLE?
HOW UNNATURAL!
WELL, THEY ARE DUCKS.

HOW UNNATURAL!
WELL, THEY ARE DUCKS.
ARE YOU SUGGESTING THAT THEIR

WELL, THEY ARE DUCKS.
ARE YOU SUGGESTING THAT THEIR
FEET ARE TOO BIG?

ARE YOU SUGGESTING THAT THEIR
FEET ARE TOO BIG?
I KNOW!

FEET ARE TOO BIG?
I KNOW!
THEY URINATE AND RUN AT THE

I KNOW!
THEY URINATE AND RUN AT THE
SAME TIME!

THEY URINATE AND RUN AT THE
SAME TIME!
I THINK ELIZABETH WAS ON TO

SAME TIME!
I THINK ELIZABETH WAS ON TO
SOMETHING THERE, UH, WITH HIS

I THINK ELIZABETH WAS ON TO
SOMETHING THERE, UH, WITH HIS
LIFTING-OF-THE-LEG BUSINESS.

SOMETHING THERE, UH, WITH HIS
LIFTING-OF-THE-LEG BUSINESS.
PERHAPS THEY LIFT THEIR LEG AND

LIFTING-OF-THE-LEG BUSINESS.
PERHAPS THEY LIFT THEIR LEG AND
INSTEAD OF PUTTING IT DOWN

PERHAPS THEY LIFT THEIR LEG AND
INSTEAD OF PUTTING IT DOWN
AGAIN, THEY... THEY SIMPLY HOP

INSTEAD OF PUTTING IT DOWN
AGAIN, THEY... THEY SIMPLY HOP
AWAY.

AGAIN, THEY... THEY SIMPLY HOP
AWAY.
LIKE THIS, YOU MEAN?

AWAY.
LIKE THIS, YOU MEAN?
WHO THREW THAT?

LIKE THIS, YOU MEAN?
WHO THREW THAT?
COME ON.

WHO THREW THAT?
COME ON.
WHO WAS IT?

COME ON.
WHO WAS IT?
Announcer: DON'T MISS EPISODE

WHO WAS IT?
Announcer: DON'T MISS EPISODE
TWO... "DRUMS ALONG THE THAMES,"

Announcer: DON'T MISS EPISODE
TWO... "DRUMS ALONG THE THAMES,"
NEXT TIME ON "COCHISE AT

TWO... "DRUMS ALONG THE THAMES,"
NEXT TIME ON "COCHISE AT
OXFORD."

NEXT TIME ON "COCHISE AT
OXFORD."
[APPLAUSE]

OXFORD."
[APPLAUSE]
ONCE AGAIN, KATE BUSH.

[APPLAUSE]
ONCE AGAIN, KATE BUSH.
[APPLAUSE]

ONCE AGAIN, KATE BUSH.
[APPLAUSE]
♪ ROLLING THE BALL ♪

[APPLAUSE]
♪ ROLLING THE BALL ♪
♪ ROLLING ♪

♪ ROLLING THE BALL ♪
♪ ROLLING ♪
♪ ROLLING THE BALL ♪

♪ ROLLING ♪
♪ ROLLING THE BALL ♪
♪ ROLLING ♪

♪ ROLLING THE BALL ♪
♪ ROLLING ♪
♪ ROLLING THE BALL TO ME ♪

♪ ROLLING ♪
♪ ROLLING THE BALL TO ME ♪
♪ ROLLING THE BALL ♪

♪ ROLLING THE BALL TO ME ♪
♪ ROLLING THE BALL ♪
♪ ROLLING ♪

♪ ROLLING THE BALL ♪
♪ ROLLING ♪
♪ ROLLING THE BALL ♪

♪ ROLLING ♪
♪ ROLLING THE BALL ♪
♪ ROLLING ♪

♪ ROLLING THE BALL ♪
♪ ROLLING ♪
♪ ROLLING THE BALL TO ME ♪

♪ ROLLING ♪
♪ ROLLING THE BALL TO ME ♪
♪ THEY ARRIVED AT AN

♪ ROLLING THE BALL TO ME ♪
♪ THEY ARRIVED AT AN
INCONVENIENT TIME ♪

♪ THEY ARRIVED AT AN
INCONVENIENT TIME ♪
♪ I WAS HIDING IN A ROOM IN MY

INCONVENIENT TIME ♪
♪ I WAS HIDING IN A ROOM IN MY
MIND ♪

♪ I WAS HIDING IN A ROOM IN MY
MIND ♪
♪ THEY MADE ME LOOK AT MYSELF ♪

MIND ♪
♪ THEY MADE ME LOOK AT MYSELF ♪
♪ I SAW IT WELL ♪

♪ THEY MADE ME LOOK AT MYSELF ♪
♪ I SAW IT WELL ♪
♪ I'D SHUT THE PEOPLE OUT OF MY

♪ I SAW IT WELL ♪
♪ I'D SHUT THE PEOPLE OUT OF MY
LIFE ♪

♪ I'D SHUT THE PEOPLE OUT OF MY
LIFE ♪
♪ SO NOW I TAKE THE

LIFE ♪
♪ SO NOW I TAKE THE
OPPORTUNITIES ♪

♪ SO NOW I TAKE THE
OPPORTUNITIES ♪
♪ WONDERFUL TEACHERS READY TO

OPPORTUNITIES ♪
♪ WONDERFUL TEACHERS READY TO
TEACH ME ♪

♪ WONDERFUL TEACHERS READY TO
TEACH ME ♪
♪ I MUST WORK ON MY MIND, FOR

TEACH ME ♪
♪ I MUST WORK ON MY MIND, FOR
NOW I REALIZE EVERY ONE OF US

♪ I MUST WORK ON MY MIND, FOR
NOW I REALIZE EVERY ONE OF US
HAS A HEAVEN INSIDE ♪

NOW I REALIZE EVERY ONE OF US
HAS A HEAVEN INSIDE ♪
♪ THEM HEAVY PEOPLE HIT ME IN A

HAS A HEAVEN INSIDE ♪
♪ THEM HEAVY PEOPLE HIT ME IN A
SOFT SPOT ♪

♪ THEM HEAVY PEOPLE HIT ME IN A
SOFT SPOT ♪
♪ THEM HEAVY PEOPLE HELP ME ♪

SOFT SPOT ♪
♪ THEM HEAVY PEOPLE HELP ME ♪
♪ THEM HEAVY PEOPLE HIT ME IN A

♪ THEM HEAVY PEOPLE HELP ME ♪
♪ THEM HEAVY PEOPLE HIT ME IN A
SOFT SPOT ♪

♪ THEM HEAVY PEOPLE HIT ME IN A
SOFT SPOT ♪
♪ ROLLING THE BALL ♪

SOFT SPOT ♪
♪ ROLLING THE BALL ♪
♪ ROLLING ♪

♪ ROLLING THE BALL ♪
♪ ROLLING ♪
♪ ROLLING THE BALL ♪

♪ ROLLING ♪
♪ ROLLING THE BALL ♪
♪ ROLLING ♪

♪ ROLLING THE BALL ♪
♪ ROLLING ♪
♪ ROLLING THE BALL TO ME ♪

♪ ROLLING ♪
♪ ROLLING THE BALL TO ME ♪
♪ ROLLING THE BALL ♪

♪ ROLLING THE BALL TO ME ♪
♪ ROLLING THE BALL ♪
♪ ROLLING ♪

♪ ROLLING THE BALL ♪
♪ ROLLING ♪
♪ ROLLING THE BALL ♪

♪ ROLLING ♪
♪ ROLLING THE BALL ♪
♪ ROLLING ♪

♪ ROLLING THE BALL ♪
♪ ROLLING ♪
♪ ROLLING THE BALL TO ME ♪

♪ ROLLING ♪
♪ ROLLING THE BALL TO ME ♪
♪ THEY OPEN DOORWAYS THAT I

♪ ROLLING THE BALL TO ME ♪
♪ THEY OPEN DOORWAYS THAT I
THOUGHT WERE SHUT FOR GOOD ♪

♪ THEY OPEN DOORWAYS THAT I
THOUGHT WERE SHUT FOR GOOD ♪
♪ THEY READ ME GURDJIEFF AND

THOUGHT WERE SHUT FOR GOOD ♪
♪ THEY READ ME GURDJIEFF AND
JESU ♪

♪ THEY READ ME GURDJIEFF AND
JESU ♪
♪ THEY BUILD UP MY BODY, BREAK

JESU ♪
♪ THEY BUILD UP MY BODY, BREAK
ME EMOTIONALLY ♪

♪ THEY BUILD UP MY BODY, BREAK
ME EMOTIONALLY ♪
♪ IT'S NEARLY KILLING ME, BUT

ME EMOTIONALLY ♪
♪ IT'S NEARLY KILLING ME, BUT
WHAT A LOVELY FEELING ♪

♪ IT'S NEARLY KILLING ME, BUT
WHAT A LOVELY FEELING ♪
♪ I LOVE THE WHIRLING OF THE

WHAT A LOVELY FEELING ♪
♪ I LOVE THE WHIRLING OF THE
DERVISHES ♪

♪ I LOVE THE WHIRLING OF THE
DERVISHES ♪
♪ I LOVE THE BEAUTY OF RARE

DERVISHES ♪
♪ I LOVE THE BEAUTY OF RARE
INNOCENCE ♪

♪ I LOVE THE BEAUTY OF RARE
INNOCENCE ♪
♪ DON'T NEED NO CRYSTAL BALL ♪

INNOCENCE ♪
♪ DON'T NEED NO CRYSTAL BALL ♪
♪ DON'T FALL FOR A MAGIC WAND ♪

♪ DON'T NEED NO CRYSTAL BALL ♪
♪ DON'T FALL FOR A MAGIC WAND ♪
♪ WE HUMANS GOT IT ALL ♪

♪ DON'T FALL FOR A MAGIC WAND ♪
♪ WE HUMANS GOT IT ALL ♪
♪ WE PERFORM THE MIRACLES ♪

♪ WE HUMANS GOT IT ALL ♪
♪ WE PERFORM THE MIRACLES ♪
♪ THEM HEAVY PEOPLE HIT ME IN A

♪ WE PERFORM THE MIRACLES ♪
♪ THEM HEAVY PEOPLE HIT ME IN A
SOFT SPOT ♪

♪ THEM HEAVY PEOPLE HIT ME IN A
SOFT SPOT ♪
♪ THEM HEAVY PEOPLE HELP ME ♪

SOFT SPOT ♪
♪ THEM HEAVY PEOPLE HELP ME ♪
♪ THEM HEAVY PEOPLE HIT ME IN A

♪ THEM HEAVY PEOPLE HELP ME ♪
♪ THEM HEAVY PEOPLE HIT ME IN A
SOFT SPOT ♪

♪ THEM HEAVY PEOPLE HIT ME IN A
SOFT SPOT ♪
♪ ROLLING ♪

SOFT SPOT ♪
♪ ROLLING ♪
♪ ROLLING ♪

♪ ROLLING ♪
♪ ROLLING ♪
♪ THEM HEAVY PEOPLE HIT ME WITH

♪ ROLLING ♪
♪ THEM HEAVY PEOPLE HIT ME WITH
A SOFT SPOT ♪

♪ THEM HEAVY PEOPLE HIT ME WITH
A SOFT SPOT ♪
♪ THEM HEAVY PEOPLE HELP ME ♪

A SOFT SPOT ♪
♪ THEM HEAVY PEOPLE HELP ME ♪
♪ THEM HEAVY PEOPLE HIT ME IN

♪ THEM HEAVY PEOPLE HELP ME ♪
♪ THEM HEAVY PEOPLE HIT ME IN
A SOFT SPOT ♪

♪ THEM HEAVY PEOPLE HIT ME IN
A SOFT SPOT ♪
♪ ROLLING THE BALL ♪

A SOFT SPOT ♪
♪ ROLLING THE BALL ♪
♪ ROLLING ♪

♪ ROLLING THE BALL ♪
♪ ROLLING ♪
♪ ROLLING THE BALL ♪

♪ ROLLING ♪
♪ ROLLING THE BALL ♪
♪ ROLLING ♪

♪ ROLLING THE BALL ♪
♪ ROLLING ♪
♪ ROLLING THE BALL TO ME ♪

♪ ROLLING ♪
♪ ROLLING THE BALL TO ME ♪
♪ ROLLING THE BALL ♪

♪ ROLLING THE BALL TO ME ♪
♪ ROLLING THE BALL ♪
♪ ROLLING ♪

♪ ROLLING THE BALL ♪
♪ ROLLING ♪
♪ ROLLING THE BALL ♪

♪ ROLLING ♪
♪ ROLLING THE BALL ♪
♪ ROLLING ♪

♪ ROLLING THE BALL ♪
♪ ROLLING ♪
[APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
GOOD NIGHT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT.

Announcer: NEXT SATURDAY

NIGHT, OUR HOST WILL BE

ELLIOTT GOULD, WITH MUSICAL

GUEST PETER TOSH AND SPECIAL

GUESTS BOB AND RAY AND MR. MIKE.

THIS IS MR. PARDO SAYING GOOD

NIGHT.