Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 4, Episode 7 - Walter Matthau - full transcript

[SIGHS]
COME ON, NOW, MR. SILVERMAN.
YOU HAVEN'T EATEN ANYTHING FOR

COME ON, NOW, MR. SILVERMAN.
YOU HAVEN'T EATEN ANYTHING FOR
DAYS.

YOU HAVEN'T EATEN ANYTHING FOR
DAYS.
NOW EAT YOUR APPLESAUCE.

DAYS.
NOW EAT YOUR APPLESAUCE.
COME ON, FREDDIE.

NOW EAT YOUR APPLESAUCE.
COME ON, FREDDIE.
FREDDIE...

COME ON, FREDDIE.
FREDDIE...
[GROANS]

FREDDIE...
[GROANS]
OPEN YOUR... COME ON,

[GROANS]
OPEN YOUR... COME ON,
FREDDIE.

OPEN YOUR... COME ON,
FREDDIE.
THERE YOU GO.

FREDDIE.
THERE YOU GO.
THAT'S GOOD.

THERE YOU GO.
THAT'S GOOD.
ALL RIGHT.



THAT'S GOOD.
ALL RIGHT.
THERE YOU GO.

ALL RIGHT.
THERE YOU GO.
NINE SHOWS, BARBARA.

THERE YOU GO.
NINE SHOWS, BARBARA.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

NINE SHOWS, BARBARA.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
I HAD TO CANCEL NINE SHOWS.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
I HAD TO CANCEL NINE SHOWS.
AND THEY WERE TERRIBLE SHOWS.

I HAD TO CANCEL NINE SHOWS.
AND THEY WERE TERRIBLE SHOWS.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW THEY

AND THEY WERE TERRIBLE SHOWS.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW THEY
FAILED.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW THEY
FAILED.
THEY WERE TERRIBLE.

FAILED.
THEY WERE TERRIBLE.
SHOWS JUST AS BAD AS THESE WERE

THEY WERE TERRIBLE.
SHOWS JUST AS BAD AS THESE WERE
BIG HITS AT ABC.

SHOWS JUST AS BAD AS THESE WERE
BIG HITS AT ABC.
I KNOW.

BIG HITS AT ABC.
I KNOW.
"GRANDPA GOES TO WASHINGTON."

I KNOW.
"GRANDPA GOES TO WASHINGTON."
THAT'S JUNK.

"GRANDPA GOES TO WASHINGTON."
THAT'S JUNK.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.



THAT'S JUNK.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.
PEOPLE DIDN'T LIKE IT.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.
PEOPLE DIDN'T LIKE IT.
WELL, "LIFELINE" WAS A GOOD

PEOPLE DIDN'T LIKE IT.
WELL, "LIFELINE" WAS A GOOD
SHOW.

WELL, "LIFELINE" WAS A GOOD
SHOW.
SURE.

SHOW.
SURE.
I EXPECTED THAT TO FAIL, THOUGH.

SURE.
I EXPECTED THAT TO FAIL, THOUGH.
BUT WHAT ABOUT "DAVID CASSIDY...

I EXPECTED THAT TO FAIL, THOUGH.
BUT WHAT ABOUT "DAVID CASSIDY...
MAN UNDERCOVER"?

BUT WHAT ABOUT "DAVID CASSIDY...
MAN UNDERCOVER"?
NOW, THAT WAS A STUPID SHOW.

MAN UNDERCOVER"?
NOW, THAT WAS A STUPID SHOW.
IT WAS BADLY WRITTEN.

NOW, THAT WAS A STUPID SHOW.
IT WAS BADLY WRITTEN.
I DON'T KNOW WHY IT DIDN'T MAKE

IT WAS BADLY WRITTEN.
I DON'T KNOW WHY IT DIDN'T MAKE
IT.

I DON'T KNOW WHY IT DIDN'T MAKE
IT.
NOW, MAYBE IF WE GOT SOMEONE

IT.
NOW, MAYBE IF WE GOT SOMEONE
EVEN WORSE THAN DAVID CASSIDY...

NOW, MAYBE IF WE GOT SOMEONE
EVEN WORSE THAN DAVID CASSIDY...
I GOT IT.

EVEN WORSE THAN DAVID CASSIDY...
I GOT IT.
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS?

I GOT IT.
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS?
"DONNY OSMOND... MAN

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS?
"DONNY OSMOND... MAN
UNDERCOVER."

"DONNY OSMOND... MAN
UNDERCOVER."
OH, I DON'T LIKE IT AT ALL.

UNDERCOVER."
OH, I DON'T LIKE IT AT ALL.
YOU DON'T?

OH, I DON'T LIKE IT AT ALL.
YOU DON'T?
NO.

YOU DON'T?
NO.
IN FACT, I HATE IT.

NO.
IN FACT, I HATE IT.
SO DO I.

IN FACT, I HATE IT.
SO DO I.
MAKE OUT A CARD.

SO DO I.
MAKE OUT A CARD.
RIGHT.

MAKE OUT A CARD.
RIGHT.
NOW, I'M JUST WONDERING WHAT TO

RIGHT.
NOW, I'M JUST WONDERING WHAT TO
DO ON TUESDAY NIGHT HERE WHERE

NOW, I'M JUST WONDERING WHAT TO
DO ON TUESDAY NIGHT HERE WHERE
"THE EDDIE CAPRA MYSTERIES"

DO ON TUESDAY NIGHT HERE WHERE
"THE EDDIE CAPRA MYSTERIES"
WERE.

"THE EDDIE CAPRA MYSTERIES"
WERE.
LET'S SEE.

WERE.
LET'S SEE.
AT 8:00 I GOT

LET'S SEE.
AT 8:00 I GOT
"B.J. AND THE BEAR."

AT 8:00 I GOT
"B.J. AND THE BEAR."
RIGHT.

"B.J. AND THE BEAR."
RIGHT.
AT 10:00 I GOT

RIGHT.
AT 10:00 I GOT
"MRS. COLUMBO."

AT 10:00 I GOT
"MRS. COLUMBO."
RUNAWAY TRUCK DRIVER AND A COP

"MRS. COLUMBO."
RUNAWAY TRUCK DRIVER AND A COP
SHOW...

RUNAWAY TRUCK DRIVER AND A COP
SHOW...
WHAT CAN WE PUT IN BETWEEN THEM?

SHOW...
WHAT CAN WE PUT IN BETWEEN THEM?
UH, HOW ABOUT A SHOW CALLED

WHAT CAN WE PUT IN BETWEEN THEM?
UH, HOW ABOUT A SHOW CALLED
"ROADBLOCK"?

UH, HOW ABOUT A SHOW CALLED
"ROADBLOCK"?
THAT'S TERRIBLE.

"ROADBLOCK"?
THAT'S TERRIBLE.
MAKE OUT A CARD.

THAT'S TERRIBLE.
MAKE OUT A CARD.
RIGHT.

MAKE OUT A CARD.
RIGHT.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T MEAN TO SAY

RIGHT.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T MEAN TO SAY
ANYTHING, MR. SILVERMAN, BUT

YOU KNOW, I DON'T MEAN TO SAY
ANYTHING, MR. SILVERMAN, BUT
LOOKING OVER THE BOARD HERE, I

ANYTHING, MR. SILVERMAN, BUT
LOOKING OVER THE BOARD HERE, I
MEAN, MAYBE WE'RE

LOOKING OVER THE BOARD HERE, I
MEAN, MAYBE WE'RE
UNDERESTIMATING THE INTELLIGENCE

MEAN, MAYBE WE'RE
UNDERESTIMATING THE INTELLIGENCE
OF THE AMERICAN PUBLIC.

UNDERESTIMATING THE INTELLIGENCE
OF THE AMERICAN PUBLIC.
YOU'RE FIRED.

OF THE AMERICAN PUBLIC.
YOU'RE FIRED.
FIRED?

YOU'RE FIRED.
FIRED?
YES.

FIRED?
YES.
YOU'LL NEVER WORK AT THIS

YES.
YOU'LL NEVER WORK AT THIS
NETWORK AGAIN.

YOU'LL NEVER WORK AT THIS
NETWORK AGAIN.
ALL RIGHT, MR. SILVERMAN...

NETWORK AGAIN.
ALL RIGHT, MR. SILVERMAN...
MR. PROGRAMMING GENIUS.

ALL RIGHT, MR. SILVERMAN...
MR. PROGRAMMING GENIUS.
THERE'S JUST ONE THING I'D LIKE

MR. PROGRAMMING GENIUS.
THERE'S JUST ONE THING I'D LIKE
TO SAY TO YOU BEFORE I LEAVE.

THERE'S JUST ONE THING I'D LIKE
TO SAY TO YOU BEFORE I LEAVE.
LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

TO SAY TO YOU BEFORE I LEAVE.
LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT"!

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT"!
[BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."

WITH WALTER MATTHAU.

STARRING DAN AYKROYD...
JOHN BELUSHI...
JANE CURTIN...

JOHN BELUSHI...
JANE CURTIN...
GARRETT MORRIS...

JANE CURTIN...
GARRETT MORRIS...
BILL MURRAY...

GARRETT MORRIS...
BILL MURRAY...
LARAINE NEWMAN...

BILL MURRAY...
LARAINE NEWMAN...
AND GILDA RADNER.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
WALTER MATTHAU!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
CONTINUES]

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU.
LET'S SEE.

THANK YOU.
LET'S SEE.
WAIT A MINUTE.

LET'S SEE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
UH...

WAIT A MINUTE.
UH...
[LAUGHTER]

UH...
[LAUGHTER]
I...

[LAUGHTER]
I...
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I...
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
I...

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
I...
I JUST BET $5 I'D GET A LAUGH ON

I...
I JUST BET $5 I'D GET A LAUGH ON
THE OPENING BEFORE...

I JUST BET $5 I'D GET A LAUGH ON
THE OPENING BEFORE...
[LAUGHTER]

THE OPENING BEFORE...
[LAUGHTER]
AFTER SPENDING A WEEK WITH THE

[LAUGHTER]
AFTER SPENDING A WEEK WITH THE
"SATURDAY NIGHT" STAFF AND CAST

AFTER SPENDING A WEEK WITH THE
"SATURDAY NIGHT" STAFF AND CAST
AND CREW, IT REALLY IS A RELIEF

"SATURDAY NIGHT" STAFF AND CAST
AND CREW, IT REALLY IS A RELIEF
TO COME OUT HERE TO TALK TO SOME

AND CREW, IT REALLY IS A RELIEF
TO COME OUT HERE TO TALK TO SOME
PEOPLE I CAN RELATE TO.

TO COME OUT HERE TO TALK TO SOME
PEOPLE I CAN RELATE TO.
[LAUGHTER]

PEOPLE I CAN RELATE TO.
[LAUGHTER]
NO...

[LAUGHTER]
NO...
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NO...
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I'M REALLY KIDDING.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I'M REALLY KIDDING.
ACTUALLY, THEY BEGAN BY BEING

I'M REALLY KIDDING.
ACTUALLY, THEY BEGAN BY BEING
VERY NICE TO ME.

ACTUALLY, THEY BEGAN BY BEING
VERY NICE TO ME.
SO I FIGURED HERE'S A NICE BUNCH

VERY NICE TO ME.
SO I FIGURED HERE'S A NICE BUNCH
OF KIDS WHO REALLY APPRECIATE

SO I FIGURED HERE'S A NICE BUNCH
OF KIDS WHO REALLY APPRECIATE
THE FACT THAT I, A RECOGNIZED

OF KIDS WHO REALLY APPRECIATE
THE FACT THAT I, A RECOGNIZED
ACTOR...

THE FACT THAT I, A RECOGNIZED
ACTOR...
SOLID, INTERNATIONALLY FAMOUS

ACTOR...
SOLID, INTERNATIONALLY FAMOUS
MOVIE STAR...

SOLID, INTERNATIONALLY FAMOUS
MOVIE STAR...
[LAUGHTER]

MOVIE STAR...
[LAUGHTER]
WITH A GREAT DEAL OF

[LAUGHTER]
WITH A GREAT DEAL OF
HUMILITY...

WITH A GREAT DEAL OF
HUMILITY...
[LAUGHTER]

HUMILITY...
[LAUGHTER]
HAVE SACRIFICED A LOT TO COME

[LAUGHTER]
HAVE SACRIFICED A LOT TO COME
HERE.

HAVE SACRIFICED A LOT TO COME
HERE.
AND I GIVE THEM THE BENEFIT OF

HERE.
AND I GIVE THEM THE BENEFIT OF
MY FAME AND EXPERIENCE...

AND I GIVE THEM THE BENEFIT OF
MY FAME AND EXPERIENCE...
NOT TO MENTION OTHER THINGS THAT

MY FAME AND EXPERIENCE...
NOT TO MENTION OTHER THINGS THAT
ARE INTANGIBLE.

NOT TO MENTION OTHER THINGS THAT
ARE INTANGIBLE.
BOY, WAS I WRONG.

ARE INTANGIBLE.
BOY, WAS I WRONG.
AFTER THAT TINY MOMENT OF

BOY, WAS I WRONG.
AFTER THAT TINY MOMENT OF
DECENCY, THEY TURNED ON ME LIKE

AFTER THAT TINY MOMENT OF
DECENCY, THEY TURNED ON ME LIKE
A PACK OF HUNGRY WOLVES.

DECENCY, THEY TURNED ON ME LIKE
A PACK OF HUNGRY WOLVES.
NOW, I'M SUPPOSED TO BE A FUNNY

A PACK OF HUNGRY WOLVES.
NOW, I'M SUPPOSED TO BE A FUNNY
GUY.

NOW, I'M SUPPOSED TO BE A FUNNY
GUY.
I APPEAR IN COMEDIES MOSTLY.

GUY.
I APPEAR IN COMEDIES MOSTLY.
I MEAN, I CAN TELL A JOKE.

I APPEAR IN COMEDIES MOSTLY.
I MEAN, I CAN TELL A JOKE.
I CAN USUALLY MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH.

I MEAN, I CAN TELL A JOKE.
I CAN USUALLY MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH.
MY FAMILY, MY FRIENDS, PEOPLE I

I CAN USUALLY MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH.
MY FAMILY, MY FRIENDS, PEOPLE I
WORK WITH, MAUREEN STAPLETON...

MY FAMILY, MY FRIENDS, PEOPLE I
WORK WITH, MAUREEN STAPLETON...
THEY ALL THINK THAT I'M PRETTY

WORK WITH, MAUREEN STAPLETON...
THEY ALL THINK THAT I'M PRETTY
FUNNY.

THEY ALL THINK THAT I'M PRETTY
FUNNY.
SHE LAUGHS A LOT AT STUFF.

FUNNY.
SHE LAUGHS A LOT AT STUFF.
AND I GUESS THE "SATURDAY NIGHT"

SHE LAUGHS A LOT AT STUFF.
AND I GUESS THE "SATURDAY NIGHT"
PEOPLE DO, TOO.

AND I GUESS THE "SATURDAY NIGHT"
PEOPLE DO, TOO.
AFTER ALL, THEY DIDN'T ASK ME TO

PEOPLE DO, TOO.
AFTER ALL, THEY DIDN'T ASK ME TO
DO THIS SHOW BECAUSE I'M A GREAT

AFTER ALL, THEY DIDN'T ASK ME TO
DO THIS SHOW BECAUSE I'M A GREAT
FISHERMAN.

DO THIS SHOW BECAUSE I'M A GREAT
FISHERMAN.
[LAUGHTER]

FISHERMAN.
[LAUGHTER]
AT OUR FIRST MEETING, I STARTED

[LAUGHTER]
AT OUR FIRST MEETING, I STARTED
TO TELL SOME VERY FUNNY STORIES,

AT OUR FIRST MEETING, I STARTED
TO TELL SOME VERY FUNNY STORIES,
YOU KNOW, JUST TO BREAK THE ICE.

TO TELL SOME VERY FUNNY STORIES,
YOU KNOW, JUST TO BREAK THE ICE.
WELL, THEY STARED AT ME.

YOU KNOW, JUST TO BREAK THE ICE.
WELL, THEY STARED AT ME.
AND IF THEY LAUGHED AT ALL, IT

WELL, THEY STARED AT ME.
AND IF THEY LAUGHED AT ALL, IT
WAS JUST TO BE POLITE.

AND IF THEY LAUGHED AT ALL, IT
WAS JUST TO BE POLITE.
I COULD TELL THAT.

WAS JUST TO BE POLITE.
I COULD TELL THAT.
YOU KNOW, THEY MAY NOT DRESS

I COULD TELL THAT.
YOU KNOW, THEY MAY NOT DRESS
WELL, BUT THEY HAVE VERY GOOD

YOU KNOW, THEY MAY NOT DRESS
WELL, BUT THEY HAVE VERY GOOD
MANNERS, THESE KIDS.

WELL, BUT THEY HAVE VERY GOOD
MANNERS, THESE KIDS.
WHEN THEY DIDN'T LAUGH AT MY

MANNERS, THESE KIDS.
WHEN THEY DIDN'T LAUGH AT MY
JOKES, I FIGURED... BECAUSE I'M

WHEN THEY DIDN'T LAUGH AT MY
JOKES, I FIGURED... BECAUSE I'M
NOT A DUMMY... I MEAN, I FIGURED

JOKES, I FIGURED... BECAUSE I'M
NOT A DUMMY... I MEAN, I FIGURED
THAT THERE WERE THREE

NOT A DUMMY... I MEAN, I FIGURED
THAT THERE WERE THREE
POSSIBILITIES.

THAT THERE WERE THREE
POSSIBILITIES.
ONE, THEY DIDN'T UNDERSTAND THE

POSSIBILITIES.
ONE, THEY DIDN'T UNDERSTAND THE
JOKES.

ONE, THEY DIDN'T UNDERSTAND THE
JOKES.
TWO, THEY HEARD THE JOKES

JOKES.
TWO, THEY HEARD THE JOKES
BEFORE.

TWO, THEY HEARD THE JOKES
BEFORE.
OR, THREE, THEY DIDN'T THINK THE

BEFORE.
OR, THREE, THEY DIDN'T THINK THE
JOKES WERE FUNNY.

OR, THREE, THEY DIDN'T THINK THE
JOKES WERE FUNNY.
NOW, NONE OF THESE THINGS MAKE

JOKES WERE FUNNY.
NOW, NONE OF THESE THINGS MAKE
ANY SENSE.

NOW, NONE OF THESE THINGS MAKE
ANY SENSE.
THEY'RE TOO SMART TO NOT

ANY SENSE.
THEY'RE TOO SMART TO NOT
UNDERSTAND THE JOKES.

THEY'RE TOO SMART TO NOT
UNDERSTAND THE JOKES.
THEY'RE TOO YOUNG TO HAVE HEARD

UNDERSTAND THE JOKES.
THEY'RE TOO YOUNG TO HAVE HEARD
THE JOKES BEFORE.

THEY'RE TOO YOUNG TO HAVE HEARD
THE JOKES BEFORE.
AND THEY'RE NOT PAYING ME ENOUGH

THE JOKES BEFORE.
AND THEY'RE NOT PAYING ME ENOUGH
TO THINK THE JOKES WERE NOT

AND THEY'RE NOT PAYING ME ENOUGH
TO THINK THE JOKES WERE NOT
FUNNY.

TO THINK THE JOKES WERE NOT
FUNNY.
[LAUGHTER]

FUNNY.
[LAUGHTER]
SO I HAD TO CONCLUDE THAT THEY

[LAUGHTER]
SO I HAD TO CONCLUDE THAT THEY
ARE EITHER DUMBER THAN I AM OR

SO I HAD TO CONCLUDE THAT THEY
ARE EITHER DUMBER THAN I AM OR
FUNNIER OR THEY SUFFER FROM AN

ARE EITHER DUMBER THAN I AM OR
FUNNIER OR THEY SUFFER FROM AN
INFERIORITY COMPLEX...

FUNNIER OR THEY SUFFER FROM AN
INFERIORITY COMPLEX...
OR ALL THREE.

INFERIORITY COMPLEX...
OR ALL THREE.
WELL, IT'S MY OWN FAULT.

OR ALL THREE.
WELL, IT'S MY OWN FAULT.
I'VE WATCHED THIS SHOW.

WELL, IT'S MY OWN FAULT.
I'VE WATCHED THIS SHOW.
I'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT IT WAS VERY

I'VE WATCHED THIS SHOW.
I'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT IT WAS VERY
FUNNY.

I'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT IT WAS VERY
FUNNY.
WELL, NOT THAT FUNNY, BUT...

FUNNY.
WELL, NOT THAT FUNNY, BUT...
[LAUGHTER]

WELL, NOT THAT FUNNY, BUT...
[LAUGHTER]
I FIGURED I COULD HOLD MY OWN

[LAUGHTER]
I FIGURED I COULD HOLD MY OWN
HERE.

I FIGURED I COULD HOLD MY OWN
HERE.
I WAS RIGHT.

HERE.
I WAS RIGHT.
THEY'RE A LITTLE YOUNGER THAN I

I WAS RIGHT.
THEY'RE A LITTLE YOUNGER THAN I
AM, BUT I'VE GOT AS MUCH, IF NOT

THEY'RE A LITTLE YOUNGER THAN I
AM, BUT I'VE GOT AS MUCH, IF NOT
MORE, STAMINA AND ENERGY THAN

AM, BUT I'VE GOT AS MUCH, IF NOT
MORE, STAMINA AND ENERGY THAN
THEY HAVE.

MORE, STAMINA AND ENERGY THAN
THEY HAVE.
I HAVE THE EXPERIENCE AND THE

THEY HAVE.
I HAVE THE EXPERIENCE AND THE
TASTE.

I HAVE THE EXPERIENCE AND THE
TASTE.
I'M LIGHT-YEARS AHEAD OF THEM IN

TASTE.
I'M LIGHT-YEARS AHEAD OF THEM IN
TASTE.

I'M LIGHT-YEARS AHEAD OF THEM IN
TASTE.
[LAUGHTER]

TASTE.
[LAUGHTER]
IF...

[LAUGHTER]
IF...
IF YOU HEARD SOME OF THE JOKES

IF...
IF YOU HEARD SOME OF THE JOKES
THAT THEY WANTED TO SAY, I MEAN,

IF YOU HEARD SOME OF THE JOKES
THAT THEY WANTED TO SAY, I MEAN,
IT WAS EMBARRASSING.

THAT THEY WANTED TO SAY, I MEAN,
IT WAS EMBARRASSING.
I MEAN, YOU WOULD HAVE THROWN

IT WAS EMBARRASSING.
I MEAN, YOU WOULD HAVE THROWN
UP.

I MEAN, YOU WOULD HAVE THROWN
UP.
[LAUGHTER]

UP.
[LAUGHTER]
OH, NOW YOU'RE PROBABLY THINKING

[LAUGHTER]
OH, NOW YOU'RE PROBABLY THINKING
AT THIS MOMENT, THE SWITCH IS

OH, NOW YOU'RE PROBABLY THINKING
AT THIS MOMENT, THE SWITCH IS
HE'S GONNA DROP HIS PANTS.

AT THIS MOMENT, THE SWITCH IS
HE'S GONNA DROP HIS PANTS.
WELL, YOU'RE WRONG.

HE'S GONNA DROP HIS PANTS.
WELL, YOU'RE WRONG.
I'M NOT.

WELL, YOU'RE WRONG.
I'M NOT.
[CROWD GROANS]

I'M NOT.
[CROWD GROANS]
WE'LL...

[CROWD GROANS]
WE'LL...
[LAUGHTER]

WE'LL...
[LAUGHTER]
MAYBE LATER.

[LAUGHTER]
MAYBE LATER.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

MAYBE LATER.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WELL, THERE'S A BEAR.

AND THE BARTENDER TAKES ONE LOOK

AT THIS THING, AND HE SAYS,

"WHERE DOES A 500-POUND GORILLA

SLEEP?"

[LAUGHS]
"ANYWH..."
OH.

"ANYWH..."
OH.
UGH.

OH.
UGH.
UNCLE NED, THAT'S DISGUSTING!

UGH.
UNCLE NED, THAT'S DISGUSTING!
ATTENTION, DENTURE WEARERS.

UNCLE NED, THAT'S DISGUSTING!
ATTENTION, DENTURE WEARERS.
NO LONGER DO YOU HAVE TO SUFFER

ATTENTION, DENTURE WEARERS.
NO LONGER DO YOU HAVE TO SUFFER
FROM EMBARRASSING DENTURE

NO LONGER DO YOU HAVE TO SUFFER
FROM EMBARRASSING DENTURE
SLIPPAGE.

FROM EMBARRASSING DENTURE
SLIPPAGE.
NOW THERE'S EPOXY-DENT, THE

SLIPPAGE.
NOW THERE'S EPOXY-DENT, THE
STRONGEST DENTURE CREAM

NOW THERE'S EPOXY-DENT, THE
STRONGEST DENTURE CREAM
PERMITTED BY LAW.

STRONGEST DENTURE CREAM
PERMITTED BY LAW.
SIMPLY APPLY EPOXY-DENT LIKE ANY

PERMITTED BY LAW.
SIMPLY APPLY EPOXY-DENT LIKE ANY
OTHER DENTURE ADHESIVE, AND

SIMPLY APPLY EPOXY-DENT LIKE ANY
OTHER DENTURE ADHESIVE, AND
YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT

OTHER DENTURE ADHESIVE, AND
YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT
DENTURE SLIPPAGE AGAIN.

YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT
DENTURE SLIPPAGE AGAIN.
AND TO PROVE IT, WE'RE HERE IN

DENTURE SLIPPAGE AGAIN.
AND TO PROVE IT, WE'RE HERE IN
BALDWIN, LONG ISLAND, TO ASK

AND TO PROVE IT, WE'RE HERE IN
BALDWIN, LONG ISLAND, TO ASK
DENTURE WEARER NED MORRIS TO

BALDWIN, LONG ISLAND, TO ASK
DENTURE WEARER NED MORRIS TO
TAKE THE EPOXY-DENT CHOPPER

DENTURE WEARER NED MORRIS TO
TAKE THE EPOXY-DENT CHOPPER
TEST.

GET ON.
GET ON HERE.

CAN YOUR DENTURE CREAM GIVE YOU
CONFIDENCE LIKE THIS?
EPOXY-DENT... FOR CONFIDENCE.

BOY, I'M SURE GLAD YOU'RE
PITCHING TOMORROW.
IT'S GONNA BE A ROUGH GAME.

PITCHING TOMORROW.
IT'S GONNA BE A ROUGH GAME.
UH, NO PROBLEM.

IT'S GONNA BE A ROUGH GAME.
UH, NO PROBLEM.
BY THE TIME CAMP'S OVER, ONCE

UH, NO PROBLEM.
BY THE TIME CAMP'S OVER, ONCE
AGAIN OUR TEAM WILL BE CHAMPS.

BY THE TIME CAMP'S OVER, ONCE
AGAIN OUR TEAM WILL BE CHAMPS.
YAY!

AGAIN OUR TEAM WILL BE CHAMPS.
YAY!
[WHISTLES]

YAY!
[WHISTLES]
HEY, ALAN, HEADS UP.

[WHISTLES]
HEY, ALAN, HEADS UP.
HEY, CUT IT OUT, YOU GUYS!

HEY, ALAN, HEADS UP.
HEY, CUT IT OUT, YOU GUYS!
HEY, HEY.

HEY, CUT IT OUT, YOU GUYS!
HEY, HEY.
WHAT'S THAT YOU'RE READING,

HEY, HEY.
WHAT'S THAT YOU'RE READING,
ALAN?

WHAT'S THAT YOU'RE READING,
ALAN?
NOTHING!

ALAN?
NOTHING!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "NOTHING"?

NOTHING!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "NOTHING"?
HEY, CHARLIE, LOOK AT THIS!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "NOTHING"?
HEY, CHARLIE, LOOK AT THIS!
A PLAYBEE MAGAZINE!

HEY, CHARLIE, LOOK AT THIS!
A PLAYBEE MAGAZINE!
[LAUGHS]

A PLAYBEE MAGAZINE!
[LAUGHS]
WOW, LOOK AT HER.

[LAUGHS]
WOW, LOOK AT HER.
LOOK AT THE CENTERFOLD.

WOW, LOOK AT HER.
LOOK AT THE CENTERFOLD.
WHOO-AH!

LOOK AT THE CENTERFOLD.
WHOO-AH!
[WHISTLES]

WHOO-AH!
[WHISTLES]
BOY, I'D SURE LIKE TO GET

[WHISTLES]
BOY, I'D SURE LIKE TO GET
INTO HER HONEY SAC.

BOY, I'D SURE LIKE TO GET
INTO HER HONEY SAC.
[LAUGHS]

INTO HER HONEY SAC.
[LAUGHS]
YEAH. ME, TOO.

[LAUGHS]
YEAH. ME, TOO.
OH, WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT

YEAH. ME, TOO.
OH, WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT
THAT, ALAN?

OH, WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT
THAT, ALAN?
AS MUCH AS YOU DO.

THAT, ALAN?
AS MUCH AS YOU DO.
OH, YEAH?

AS MUCH AS YOU DO.
OH, YEAH?
I BET YOU NEVER EVEN DID IT.

OH, YEAH?
I BET YOU NEVER EVEN DID IT.
I DID, TOO.

I BET YOU NEVER EVEN DID IT.
I DID, TOO.
OH, YEAH?

I DID, TOO.
OH, YEAH?
WELL, THEN TELL ME HOW YOU DID

OH, YEAH?
WELL, THEN TELL ME HOW YOU DID
IT.

WELL, THEN TELL ME HOW YOU DID
IT.
OKAY, SO, I NEVER DID IT.

IT.
OKAY, SO, I NEVER DID IT.
[LAUGHTER]

OKAY, SO, I NEVER DID IT.
[LAUGHTER]
I KNEW HE WAS LYING.

[LAUGHTER]
I KNEW HE WAS LYING.
I BET YOU NEVER DID IT.

I KNEW HE WAS LYING.
I BET YOU NEVER DID IT.
SURE, I DID.

I BET YOU NEVER DID IT.
SURE, I DID.
WITH WHO?

SURE, I DID.
WITH WHO?
LAURA TENCH.

WITH WHO?
LAURA TENCH.
REALLY?

LAURA TENCH.
REALLY?
YEAH!

REALLY?
YEAH!
ONE DAY A WHOLE SWARM OF US

YEAH!
ONE DAY A WHOLE SWARM OF US
GANG-STANG HER BEHIND A BOWLING

ONE DAY A WHOLE SWARM OF US
GANG-STANG HER BEHIND A BOWLING
ALLEY.

GANG-STANG HER BEHIND A BOWLING
ALLEY.
YOU DID?

ALLEY.
YOU DID?
YEAH.

YOU DID?
YEAH.
HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

YEAH.
HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
HMM?

HUH?
UH, NOTHING, COACH.
WE'RE JUST TALKING.

UH, NOTHING, COACH.
WE'RE JUST TALKING.
COME ON!

WE'RE JUST TALKING.
COME ON!
LIGHTS OUT, GUYS.

COME ON!
LIGHTS OUT, GUYS.
WE'VE GOT A BIG GAME TOMORROW.

LIGHTS OUT, GUYS.
WE'VE GOT A BIG GAME TOMORROW.
I WANT YOU GUYS TO GET A LOT OF

WE'VE GOT A BIG GAME TOMORROW.
I WANT YOU GUYS TO GET A LOT OF
SLEEP, SEE?

I WANT YOU GUYS TO GET A LOT OF
SLEEP, SEE?
AW!

SLEEP, SEE?
AW!
COME ON!

AW!
COME ON!
COME ON!

COME ON!
COME ON!
WHAT IS THIS?

COME ON!
WHAT IS THIS?
WHAT IS THIS STUFF?

WHAT IS THIS?
WHAT IS THIS STUFF?
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING WITH

WHAT IS THIS STUFF?
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING WITH
THIS THING?

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING WITH
THIS THING?
HUH?

THIS THING?
HUH?
AREN'T YOU A LITTLE... A LITTLE

HUH?
AREN'T YOU A LITTLE... A LITTLE
YOUNG TO BE LOOKING AT THIS?

AREN'T YOU A LITTLE... A LITTLE
YOUNG TO BE LOOKING AT THIS?
AREN'T YOU A LITTLE BIT OLD?

YOUNG TO BE LOOKING AT THIS?
AREN'T YOU A LITTLE BIT OLD?
[LAUGHTER]

AREN'T YOU A LITTLE BIT OLD?
[LAUGHTER]
LISTEN, HANSEN.

[LAUGHTER]
LISTEN, HANSEN.
WHEN YOU'RE MY AGE, YOU SHOULD

LISTEN, HANSEN.
WHEN YOU'RE MY AGE, YOU SHOULD
STICK IT TO THE QUEEN AS OFTEN

WHEN YOU'RE MY AGE, YOU SHOULD
STICK IT TO THE QUEEN AS OFTEN
AS I DO.

STICK IT TO THE QUEEN AS OFTEN
AS I DO.
NOW GET SOME SLEEP.

AS I DO.
NOW GET SOME SLEEP.
ALL RIGHT.

NOW GET SOME SLEEP.
ALL RIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT, COACH.

ALL RIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT, COACH.
GOOD NIGHT, COACH.

GOOD NIGHT, COACH.
GOOD NIGHT, COACH.
GOOD NIGHT, COACH.

GOOD NIGHT, COACH.
GOOD NIGHT, COACH.
GOOD NIGHT, GUYS.

GOOD NIGHT, COACH.
GOOD NIGHT, GUYS.
[DOOR CLOSES]

GOOD NIGHT, GUYS.
[DOOR CLOSES]
BOY, TOO BAD HE TOOK THAT

[DOOR CLOSES]
BOY, TOO BAD HE TOOK THAT
MAGAZINE.

BOY, TOO BAD HE TOOK THAT
MAGAZINE.
THOSE PICTURES WERE GREAT.

MAGAZINE.
THOSE PICTURES WERE GREAT.
YOU'RE NOT KIDDING, MAN.

THOSE PICTURES WERE GREAT.
YOU'RE NOT KIDDING, MAN.
COME ON, GUYS!

YOU'RE NOT KIDDING, MAN.
COME ON, GUYS!
COACH IS RIGHT... LET'S GET SOME

COME ON, GUYS!
COACH IS RIGHT... LET'S GET SOME
SLEEP.

COACH IS RIGHT... LET'S GET SOME
SLEEP.
YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

SLEEP.
YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.

YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.
GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.
GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT.
[COT SQUEAKING]

HEY, ALAN, WOULD YOU PULL
YOUR STINGER SOMEWHERE ELSE?
[LAUGHTER]

YOUR STINGER SOMEWHERE ELSE?
[LAUGHTER]
SOME PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO SLEEP!

[LAUGHTER]
SOME PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO SLEEP!
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

SOME PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO SLEEP!
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
DAMN IT, YOU GUYS!

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
DAMN IT, YOU GUYS!
DAMN IT!

DAMN IT, YOU GUYS!
DAMN IT!
I WAS NOT!

DAMN IT!
I WAS NOT!
YOU WERE, TOO!

I WAS NOT!
YOU WERE, TOO!
I WAS NOT!

YOU WERE, TOO!
I WAS NOT!
YEAH, SURE.

I WAS NOT!
YEAH, SURE.
YOU WERE!

YEAH, SURE.
YOU WERE!
HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?!

YOU WERE!
HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?!
HUH?

HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?!
HUH?
WHAT'S ALL THE RACKET ABOUT?

HUH?
WHAT'S ALL THE RACKET ABOUT?
I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO GO TO

WHAT'S ALL THE RACKET ABOUT?
I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO GO TO
SLEEP.

I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO GO TO
SLEEP.
WE WERE TRYING TO, BUT ALAN

SLEEP.
WE WERE TRYING TO, BUT ALAN
MADE TOO MUCH NOISE BECAUSE HE

WE WERE TRYING TO, BUT ALAN
MADE TOO MUCH NOISE BECAUSE HE
WAS... BUZZING OFF.

MADE TOO MUCH NOISE BECAUSE HE
WAS... BUZZING OFF.
HA!

WAS... BUZZING OFF.
HA!
All: [Singsongy] ALAN WAS

HA!
All: [Singsongy] ALAN WAS
BUZZING OFF!

All: [Singsongy] ALAN WAS
BUZZING OFF!
ALAN WAS BUZZING OFF!

BUZZING OFF!
ALAN WAS BUZZING OFF!
I WAS NOT!

ALAN WAS BUZZING OFF!
I WAS NOT!
I SWEAR, I WASN'T!

I WAS NOT!
I SWEAR, I WASN'T!
OH, YEAH?

I SWEAR, I WASN'T!
OH, YEAH?
WELL, THEN WHY IS THERE HONEY

OH, YEAH?
WELL, THEN WHY IS THERE HONEY
ALL OVER YOUR SHEETS?

WELL, THEN WHY IS THERE HONEY
ALL OVER YOUR SHEETS?
[LAUGHS]

ALL OVER YOUR SHEETS?
[LAUGHS]
COME ON, YOU GUYS.

[LAUGHS]
COME ON, YOU GUYS.
CUT IT OUT!

COME ON, YOU GUYS.
CUT IT OUT!
COME HERE, ALAN.

CUT IT OUT!
COME HERE, ALAN.
OH.

COME HERE, ALAN.
OH.
COME ON OVER HERE.

OH.
COME ON OVER HERE.
SIT DOWN, ALAN.

YEAH, COACH?
NOTHING WRONG IN WHAT YOU
WERE DOING, ALAN.

NOTHING WRONG IN WHAT YOU
WERE DOING, ALAN.
IT'S PERFECTLY NORMAL FOR

WERE DOING, ALAN.
IT'S PERFECTLY NORMAL FOR
SOMEONE YOUR AGE TO BEND HIS

IT'S PERFECTLY NORMAL FOR
SOMEONE YOUR AGE TO BEND HIS
BARBS ONCE IN A WHILE.

SOMEONE YOUR AGE TO BEND HIS
BARBS ONCE IN A WHILE.
EVERYONE DOES IT.

BARBS ONCE IN A WHILE.
EVERYONE DOES IT.
THERE'S NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED

EVERYONE DOES IT.
THERE'S NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED
OF.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU GUYS?
ARTIE, CAN YOU SAY...
CAN YOU SAY THAT YOU'VE NEVER

ARTIE, CAN YOU SAY...
CAN YOU SAY THAT YOU'VE NEVER
DONE IT?

CAN YOU SAY THAT YOU'VE NEVER
DONE IT?
NO.

DONE IT?
NO.
YOU, RAYMOND?

NO.
YOU, RAYMOND?
WELL, UH... NO, COACH.

YOU, RAYMOND?
WELL, UH... NO, COACH.
COACH.

WELL, UH... NO, COACH.
COACH.
HOW ABOUT YOU, KURT?

COACH.
HOW ABOUT YOU, KURT?
YOU'VE POLISHED YOUR BAYONET,

HOW ABOUT YOU, KURT?
YOU'VE POLISHED YOUR BAYONET,
HAVEN'T YOU?

YOU'VE POLISHED YOUR BAYONET,
HAVEN'T YOU?
YEAH. ONCE.

HAVEN'T YOU?
YEAH. ONCE.
YOU SEE?

YEAH. ONCE.
YOU SEE?
IT'S A NATURAL FUNCTION.

YOU SEE?
IT'S A NATURAL FUNCTION.
EVERYONE DOES IT.

IT'S A NATURAL FUNCTION.
EVERYONE DOES IT.
EVEN YOU, COACH?

EVERYONE DOES IT.
EVEN YOU, COACH?
YES.

EVEN YOU, COACH?
YES.
TWICE.

YES.
TWICE.
All: [Singsongy] THE COACH

TWICE.
All: [Singsongy] THE COACH
BUZZES OFF!

All: [Singsongy] THE COACH
BUZZES OFF!
SHUT UP!

BUZZES OFF!
SHUT UP!
[SIGHS]

SHUT UP!
[SIGHS]
EVEN FEMALES DO IT.

[SIGHS]
EVEN FEMALES DO IT.
REALLY?

EVEN FEMALES DO IT.
REALLY?
HOW?

REALLY?
HOW?
WELL, I'M NOT SURE EXACTLY.

HOW?
WELL, I'M NOT SURE EXACTLY.
BUT, UH...

WELL, I'M NOT SURE EXACTLY.
BUT, UH...
LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT A STORY

BUT, UH...
LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT A STORY
ABOUT A BALLPLAYER I KNEW, WHO,

LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT A STORY
ABOUT A BALLPLAYER I KNEW, WHO,
UH, USED TO BUZZ OFF FIVE, SIX,

ABOUT A BALLPLAYER I KNEW, WHO,
UH, USED TO BUZZ OFF FIVE, SIX,
SEVEN TIMES A DAY.

UH, USED TO BUZZ OFF FIVE, SIX,
SEVEN TIMES A DAY.
AND HIS TEAMMATES... THEY MADE

SEVEN TIMES A DAY.
AND HIS TEAMMATES... THEY MADE
FUN OF HIM.

AND HIS TEAMMATES... THEY MADE
FUN OF HIM.
THEY RAZZED HIM ALL THE TIME.

FUN OF HIM.
THEY RAZZED HIM ALL THE TIME.
AND HE WAS ASHAMED.

THEY RAZZED HIM ALL THE TIME.
AND HE WAS ASHAMED.
AND IT WAS AFFECTING ALL ASPECTS

AND HE WAS ASHAMED.
AND IT WAS AFFECTING ALL ASPECTS
OF HIS GAME.

AND IT WAS AFFECTING ALL ASPECTS
OF HIS GAME.
HE HAD TROUBLE THROWING,

OF HIS GAME.
HE HAD TROUBLE THROWING,
FIELDING, HITTING WITH POWER,

HE HAD TROUBLE THROWING,
FIELDING, HITTING WITH POWER,
RUNNING TO THE BASES.

FIELDING, HITTING WITH POWER,
RUNNING TO THE BASES.
AND THEN ONE DAY HE JUST

RUNNING TO THE BASES.
AND THEN ONE DAY HE JUST
ACCEPTED THE FACT THAT HE WAS A

AND THEN ONE DAY HE JUST
ACCEPTED THE FACT THAT HE WAS A
CHRONIC BUZZ-OFF.

ACCEPTED THE FACT THAT HE WAS A
CHRONIC BUZZ-OFF.
AND ONCE HE ACCEPTED THAT FACT,

CHRONIC BUZZ-OFF.
AND ONCE HE ACCEPTED THAT FACT,
HE BECAME A GREAT BALLPLAYER.

AND ONCE HE ACCEPTED THAT FACT,
HE BECAME A GREAT BALLPLAYER.
AND HE WENT ON TO HIT THREE HOME

HE BECAME A GREAT BALLPLAYER.
AND HE WENT ON TO HIT THREE HOME
RUNS IN THE LAST GAME OF THE

AND HE WENT ON TO HIT THREE HOME
RUNS IN THE LAST GAME OF THE
1977 WORLD SERIES.

RUNS IN THE LAST GAME OF THE
1977 WORLD SERIES.
REGGIE JACKSON!

1977 WORLD SERIES.
REGGIE JACKSON!
[GASPS]

REGGIE JACKSON!
[GASPS]
OH!

[GASPS]
OH!
REGGIE JACKSON.

OH!
REGGIE JACKSON.
THAT'S RIGHT, ALAN.

REGGIE JACKSON.
THAT'S RIGHT, ALAN.
YOU'RE IN GOOD COMPANY.

THAT'S RIGHT, ALAN.
YOU'RE IN GOOD COMPANY.
WOW!

YOU'RE IN GOOD COMPANY.
WOW!
GEE!

WOW!
GEE!
GEE, ALAN!

GEE!
GEE, ALAN!
ALAN, WE'RE SORRY WE MADE FUN

GEE, ALAN!
ALAN, WE'RE SORRY WE MADE FUN
OF YOU, MAN.

ALAN, WE'RE SORRY WE MADE FUN
OF YOU, MAN.
AH, THAT'S OKAY, GUYS.

OF YOU, MAN.
AH, THAT'S OKAY, GUYS.
YEAH.

AH, THAT'S OKAY, GUYS.
YEAH.
REGGIE JACKSON.

YEAH.
REGGIE JACKSON.
OH, GOD!

REGGIE JACKSON.
OH, GOD!
NOW YOU GET BACK TO BED,

OH, GOD!
NOW YOU GET BACK TO BED,
GUYS.

NOW YOU GET BACK TO BED,
GUYS.
GOOD NIGHT.

GUYS.
GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT, COACH.

GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT, COACH.
GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT, COACH.
GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT, COACH.

[COTS SQUEAKING]

CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!

NO FRIES.
CHIP.
CHIP! CHIP!

CHIP.
CHIP! CHIP!
CHIP! CHIP!

CHIP! CHIP!
CHIP! CHIP!
WHAT TO DRINK?

CHIP! CHIP!
WHAT TO DRINK?
NO, NO COKE.

WHAT TO DRINK?
NO, NO COKE.
PEPSI.

NO, NO COKE.
PEPSI.
PEPSI! PEPSI!

PEPSI.
PEPSI! PEPSI!
PEPSI! PEPSI!

PEPSI! PEPSI!
PEPSI! PEPSI!
ALL RIGHT, 10 MINUTES.

PEPSI! PEPSI!
ALL RIGHT, 10 MINUTES.
AH.

ALL RIGHT, 10 MINUTES.
AH.
HEY, PETE.

AH.
HEY, PETE.
THE TOILET IS STUFFED UP AGAIN.

HEY, PETE.
THE TOILET IS STUFFED UP AGAIN.
AAH!

THE TOILET IS STUFFED UP AGAIN.
AAH!
[MUMBLES]

AAH!
[MUMBLES]
EXCUSE ME.

[MUMBLES]
EXCUSE ME.
I WANTED THIS MEDIUM, UH, AND

EXCUSE ME.
I WANTED THIS MEDIUM, UH, AND
IT'S ALMOST RAW.

I WANTED THIS MEDIUM, UH, AND
IT'S ALMOST RAW.
COULD I HAVE IT COOKED SOME

IT'S ALMOST RAW.
COULD I HAVE IT COOKED SOME
MORE?

COULD I HAVE IT COOKED SOME
MORE?
MORE?

MORE?
MORE?
YES, PLEASE.

MORE?
YES, PLEASE.
CHEESEBURGER!

YES, PLEASE.
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!

CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
NO! NO!

CHEESEBURGER!
NO! NO!
NO, NO!

NO! NO!
NO, NO!
I DON'T WANT ANOTHER

NO, NO!
I DON'T WANT ANOTHER
CHEESEBURGER.

I DON'T WANT ANOTHER
CHEESEBURGER.
I JUST WANT THIS ONE COOKED SOME

CHEESEBURGER.
I JUST WANT THIS ONE COOKED SOME
MORE.

I JUST WANT THIS ONE COOKED SOME
MORE.
MORE?

MORE.
MORE?
NO, NO.

MORE?
NO, NO.
GET HIM, GET HIM, GET HIM.

NO, NO.
GET HIM, GET HIM, GET HIM.
HE ORDERED ME ANOTHER

GET HIM, GET HIM, GET HIM.
HE ORDERED ME ANOTHER
CHEESEBURGER.

HE ORDERED ME ANOTHER
CHEESEBURGER.
I DIDN'T...

CHEESEBURGER.
I DIDN'T...
HERE, HERE.

I DIDN'T...
HERE, HERE.
NO! NO, NO, NO!

HERE, HERE.
NO! NO, NO, NO!
I JUST WANTED THIS ONE COOKED

NO! NO, NO, NO!
I JUST WANTED THIS ONE COOKED
SOME MORE!

I JUST WANTED THIS ONE COOKED
SOME MORE!
IT'S ALMOST RAW!

SOME MORE!
IT'S ALMOST RAW!
I HATE TO BREAK UP SUCH AN

IT'S ALMOST RAW!
I HATE TO BREAK UP SUCH AN
EXCITING DISCUSSION, BUT I JUST

I HATE TO BREAK UP SUCH AN
EXCITING DISCUSSION, BUT I JUST
SAW A ROACH ABOUT THE SIZE OF A

EXCITING DISCUSSION, BUT I JUST
SAW A ROACH ABOUT THE SIZE OF A
CAT WALK BEHIND THIS NAPKIN

SAW A ROACH ABOUT THE SIZE OF A
CAT WALK BEHIND THIS NAPKIN
HOLDER RIGHT HERE.

CAT WALK BEHIND THIS NAPKIN
HOLDER RIGHT HERE.
ROACH?

HOLDER RIGHT HERE.
ROACH?
YEAH.

ROACH?
YEAH.
ROACH?

YEAH.
ROACH?
THAT'S RIGHT.

ROACH?
THAT'S RIGHT.
RIGHT... OH!

THAT'S RIGHT.
RIGHT... OH!
OH, NO.

RIGHT... OH!
OH, NO.
LOOK OUT!

OH, NO.
LOOK OUT!
OH, NO.

LOOK OUT!
OH, NO.
[COUGHING]

OH, NO.
[COUGHING]
UH...

[COUGHING]
UH...
AAH!

UH...
AAH!
UH, I...

AAH!
UH, I...
I THINK I'M GONNA...

UH, I...
I THINK I'M GONNA...
I'M GONNA PAY MY CHECK AND

I THINK I'M GONNA...
I'M GONNA PAY MY CHECK AND
LEAVE.

I'M GONNA PAY MY CHECK AND
LEAVE.
I DON'T WANT TO WAIT FOR THE

LEAVE.
I DON'T WANT TO WAIT FOR THE
AUTOPSY REPORT.

I DON'T WANT TO WAIT FOR THE
AUTOPSY REPORT.
I'M GONNA PASS ON HAVING THIS

AUTOPSY REPORT.
I'M GONNA PASS ON HAVING THIS
COOKED SOME MORE.

I'M GONNA PASS ON HAVING THIS
COOKED SOME MORE.
I THINK, UH, FOR SOME REASON,

COOKED SOME MORE.
I THINK, UH, FOR SOME REASON,
I'VE LOST MY APPETITE.

GEORGE, PETE NEEDS THE OTHER
PLUNGER.

UH, I THINK YOU MADE A
MISTAKE.
TWO CHEESEBURGER, ONE CHIP,

MISTAKE.
TWO CHEESEBURGER, ONE CHIP,
ONE PEPSI.

TWO CHEESEBURGER, ONE CHIP,
ONE PEPSI.
$3.82.

ONE PEPSI.
$3.82.
BUT I DIDN'T ORDER TWO

$3.82.
BUT I DIDN'T ORDER TWO
CHEESEBURGERS!

BUT I DIDN'T ORDER TWO
CHEESEBURGERS!
ONLY ONE!

CHEESEBURGERS!
ONLY ONE!
LOOK.

ONLY ONE!
LOOK.
TWO.

LOOK.
TWO.
1, 2.

TWO.
1, 2.
WELL, I DIDN'T ORDER THE

1, 2.
WELL, I DIDN'T ORDER THE
OTHER CHEESEBURGER.

WELL, I DIDN'T ORDER THE
OTHER CHEESEBURGER.
I JUST ASKED HIM IF I COULD HAVE

OTHER CHEESEBURGER.
I JUST ASKED HIM IF I COULD HAVE
MINE COOKED SOME MORE, AND HE

I JUST ASKED HIM IF I COULD HAVE
MINE COOKED SOME MORE, AND HE
THOUGHT I WANTED ANOTHER ONE.

MINE COOKED SOME MORE, AND HE
THOUGHT I WANTED ANOTHER ONE.
YOU OWE ME $1.50.

THOUGHT I WANTED ANOTHER ONE.
YOU OWE ME $1.50.
WAIT FOR PETE.

YOU OWE ME $1.50.
WAIT FOR PETE.
NO...

WAIT FOR PETE.
NO...
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!

NO...
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
TWO CHIP!

CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
TWO CHIP!
TWO PEPSI!

TWO CHIP!
TWO PEPSI!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!

TWO PEPSI!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
TWO CHIP!

CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
TWO CHIP!
TWO PEPSI!

TWO CHIP!
TWO PEPSI!
EXCUSE ME, SIR.

TWO PEPSI!
EXCUSE ME, SIR.
ARE YOU THE PROPRIETOR OF THIS

EXCUSE ME, SIR.
ARE YOU THE PROPRIETOR OF THIS
RESTAURANT?

ARE YOU THE PROPRIETOR OF THIS
RESTAURANT?
I'M JOHN PITTMAN FROM THE

RESTAURANT?
I'M JOHN PITTMAN FROM THE
COCA-COLA COMPANY.

I'M JOHN PITTMAN FROM THE
COCA-COLA COMPANY.
COCA-COLA COMPANY.

COCA-COLA COMPANY.
COCA-COLA COMPANY.
OH, UH, NO COKE.

COCA-COLA COMPANY.
OH, UH, NO COKE.
PEPSI.

OH, UH, NO COKE.
PEPSI.
YES, I KNOW.

PEPSI.
YES, I KNOW.
YES.

YES, I KNOW.
YES.
THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.

YES.
THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.
I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.
I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.
THIS IS LARRY PETROPOPOLIS.

I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.
THIS IS LARRY PETROPOPOLIS.
HE'S OUR NEW AREA DISTRIBUTOR.

THIS IS LARRY PETROPOPOLIS.
HE'S OUR NEW AREA DISTRIBUTOR.
[SPEAKS GREEK]

HE'S OUR NEW AREA DISTRIBUTOR.
[SPEAKS GREEK]
[SPEAKS GREEK]

[SPEAKS GREEK]
[SPEAKS GREEK]
WE CALL HIM LARRY, BUT HIS

[SPEAKS GREEK]
WE CALL HIM LARRY, BUT HIS
REAL NAME IS LAMBROS.

WE CALL HIM LARRY, BUT HIS
REAL NAME IS LAMBROS.
SOMETIMES WE KID AROUND.

REAL NAME IS LAMBROS.
SOMETIMES WE KID AROUND.
WE CALL HIM "LAMB ROAST."

SOMETIMES WE KID AROUND.
WE CALL HIM "LAMB ROAST."
[LAUGHS]

WE CALL HIM "LAMB ROAST."
[LAUGHS]
RIGHT, LARRY?

[LAUGHS]
RIGHT, LARRY?
YOU KNOW, I MIGHT AS WELL GET

RIGHT, LARRY?
YOU KNOW, I MIGHT AS WELL GET
RIGHT TO THE POINT.

YOU KNOW, I MIGHT AS WELL GET
RIGHT TO THE POINT.
WE'RE PRETTY CONCERNED AROUND

RIGHT TO THE POINT.
WE'RE PRETTY CONCERNED AROUND
HERE THAT A LOT OF GREEK

WE'RE PRETTY CONCERNED AROUND
HERE THAT A LOT OF GREEK
RESTAURANTS IN THIS AREA AREN'T

HERE THAT A LOT OF GREEK
RESTAURANTS IN THIS AREA AREN'T
OUR CUSTOMERS.

RESTAURANTS IN THIS AREA AREN'T
OUR CUSTOMERS.
AND, WELL, TO BE PERFECTLY

OUR CUSTOMERS.
AND, WELL, TO BE PERFECTLY
FRANK, WE WANT TO RECTIFY THE

AND, WELL, TO BE PERFECTLY
FRANK, WE WANT TO RECTIFY THE
SITUATION.

FRANK, WE WANT TO RECTIFY THE
SITUATION.
I KNOW THAT OUR COMPETITOR HAS A

SITUATION.
I KNOW THAT OUR COMPETITOR HAS A
GOOD DISTRIBUTOR.

I KNOW THAT OUR COMPETITOR HAS A
GOOD DISTRIBUTOR.
WHAT'S HIS NAME... ZANATOS?

GOOD DISTRIBUTOR.
WHAT'S HIS NAME... ZANATOS?
WELL, WE PLAN TO GIVE YOU A

WHAT'S HIS NAME... ZANATOS?
WELL, WE PLAN TO GIVE YOU A
BETTER DEAL THAN ZANATOS CAN

WELL, WE PLAN TO GIVE YOU A
BETTER DEAL THAN ZANATOS CAN
GIVE.

BETTER DEAL THAN ZANATOS CAN
GIVE.
LET'S NOT BEAT AROUND THE BUSH.

GIVE.
LET'S NOT BEAT AROUND THE BUSH.
TALK DRACHMAS, RIGHT?

LET'S NOT BEAT AROUND THE BUSH.
TALK DRACHMAS, RIGHT?
YOU BUY A 5-GALLON JUG OF SYRUP

TALK DRACHMAS, RIGHT?
YOU BUY A 5-GALLON JUG OF SYRUP
FROM ZANATOS FOR $16.

YOU BUY A 5-GALLON JUG OF SYRUP
FROM ZANATOS FOR $16.
AND WE'RE GONNA GIVE IT TO YOU

FROM ZANATOS FOR $16.
AND WE'RE GONNA GIVE IT TO YOU
FOR $15.50.

AND WE'RE GONNA GIVE IT TO YOU
FOR $15.50.
AND WE'LL PUT UP A NEW SIGN FOR

FOR $15.50.
AND WE'LL PUT UP A NEW SIGN FOR
YOU, TOO, HUH?

AND WE'LL PUT UP A NEW SIGN FOR
YOU, TOO, HUH?
WE JUST WANT TO DO ANYTHING WE

YOU, TOO, HUH?
WE JUST WANT TO DO ANYTHING WE
CAN TO WIN YOU OVER TO COKE.

WE JUST WANT TO DO ANYTHING WE
CAN TO WIN YOU OVER TO COKE.
NO COKE.

CAN TO WIN YOU OVER TO COKE.
NO COKE.
PEPSI.

NO COKE.
PEPSI.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'LL DO.

PEPSI.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'LL DO.
I'LL GO DOWN TO $15 AND A

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'LL DO.
I'LL GO DOWN TO $15 AND A
QUARTER.

I'LL GO DOWN TO $15 AND A
QUARTER.
NOW, YOU DON'T THINK I CAN GIVE

QUARTER.
NOW, YOU DON'T THINK I CAN GIVE
YOU A BETTER DEAL THAN THAT, DO

NOW, YOU DON'T THINK I CAN GIVE
YOU A BETTER DEAL THAN THAT, DO
YOU?

YOU A BETTER DEAL THAN THAT, DO
YOU?
HUH?

YOU?
HUH?
YOU DO?

HUH?
YOU DO?
OKAY.

YOU DO?
OKAY.
I'LL MAKE IT $15 EVEN.

OKAY.
I'LL MAKE IT $15 EVEN.
AND WE'LL SEE IF I CAN'T DIG UP

I'LL MAKE IT $15 EVEN.
AND WE'LL SEE IF I CAN'T DIG UP
A FEW DOZEN GLASSES FOR YOU,

AND WE'LL SEE IF I CAN'T DIG UP
A FEW DOZEN GLASSES FOR YOU,
RIGHT?

A FEW DOZEN GLASSES FOR YOU,
RIGHT?
UH, I THINK I GOT SOME OUT IN

RIGHT?
UH, I THINK I GOT SOME OUT IN
THE TRUCK.

UH, I THINK I GOT SOME OUT IN
THE TRUCK.
YOU GOT SOME IN THE TRUCK?

THE TRUCK.
YOU GOT SOME IN THE TRUCK?
HE'S GOT SOME IN THE TRUCK.

YOU GOT SOME IN THE TRUCK?
HE'S GOT SOME IN THE TRUCK.
WE'LL BRING THEM IN NOW.

HE'S GOT SOME IN THE TRUCK.
WE'LL BRING THEM IN NOW.
WHAT DO YOU SAY?

WE'LL BRING THEM IN NOW.
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
WE HAVE A DEAL?

WHAT DO YOU SAY?
WE HAVE A DEAL?
HUH?

WE HAVE A DEAL?
HUH?
OKAY, TERRIFIC.

HUH?
OKAY, TERRIFIC.
LARRY, LARRY...

OKAY, TERRIFIC.
LARRY, LARRY...
WILL YOU SET UP THE DISPENSERS

LARRY, LARRY...
WILL YOU SET UP THE DISPENSERS
AND EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW?

WILL YOU SET UP THE DISPENSERS
AND EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW?
LISTEN, I GOT TO GET GOING, KID.

AND EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW?
LISTEN, I GOT TO GET GOING, KID.
YOU'RE A VERY SHREWD

LISTEN, I GOT TO GET GOING, KID.
YOU'RE A VERY SHREWD
BUSINESSMAN.

YOU'RE A VERY SHREWD
BUSINESSMAN.
I LIKE YOUR STYLE.

BUSINESSMAN.
I LIKE YOUR STYLE.
YOU KNOW THAT, TOO, DON'T YOU?

I LIKE YOUR STYLE.
YOU KNOW THAT, TOO, DON'T YOU?
HA!

YOU KNOW THAT, TOO, DON'T YOU?
HA!
YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.

AH.
I WAS CHARGED FOR TWO
CHEESEBURGERS.

I WAS CHARGED FOR TWO
CHEESEBURGERS.
I ONLY ORDERED ONE.

CHEESEBURGERS.
I ONLY ORDERED ONE.
YOU OWE ME $1.50.

I ONLY ORDERED ONE.
YOU OWE ME $1.50.
I'VE BEEN WAITING HERE FOR 10

YOU OWE ME $1.50.
I'VE BEEN WAITING HERE FOR 10
MINUTES.

I'VE BEEN WAITING HERE FOR 10
MINUTES.
I WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF YOU

MINUTES.
I WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF YOU
WOULD GIVE ME MY MONEY.

I WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF YOU
WOULD GIVE ME MY MONEY.
GEORGE!

WOULD GIVE ME MY MONEY.
GEORGE!
COME ON, COME ON.

GEORGE!
COME ON, COME ON.
TWO CHEESEBURGERS.

COME ON, COME ON.
TWO CHEESEBURGERS.
1, 2.

TWO CHEESEBURGERS.
1, 2.
BUT I DIDN'T ORDER IT!

1, 2.
BUT I DIDN'T ORDER IT!
HE ORDERED IT!

BUT I DIDN'T ORDER IT!
HE ORDERED IT!
HAVE HIM PAY FOR IT!

HE ORDERED IT!
HAVE HIM PAY FOR IT!
WAIT, WAIT.

HAVE HIM PAY FOR IT!
WAIT, WAIT.
OKAY, HONEY.

WAIT, WAIT.
OKAY, HONEY.
OH, UM, UH, PETE, CAN I ALSO

OKAY, HONEY.
OH, UM, UH, PETE, CAN I ALSO
HAVE A CHEESEBURGER AND A PEPSI

OH, UM, UH, PETE, CAN I ALSO
HAVE A CHEESEBURGER AND A PEPSI
TO GO?

HAVE A CHEESEBURGER AND A PEPSI
TO GO?
CHEESEBURGER!

TO GO?
CHEESEBURGER!
ONE CHEESEBURGER!

CHEESEBURGER!
ONE CHEESEBURGER!
PEPSI!

ONE CHEESEBURGER!
PEPSI!
OH, UH, PETE, I WANT YOU TO

PEPSI!
OH, UH, PETE, I WANT YOU TO
MEET LINDA.

OH, UH, PETE, I WANT YOU TO
MEET LINDA.
HI.

MEET LINDA.
HI.
SHE'S GONNA BE TAKING OVER

HI.
SHE'S GONNA BE TAKING OVER
FOR ME AT WORK.

SHE'S GONNA BE TAKING OVER
FOR ME AT WORK.
I'M NOT GONNA BE THERE.

FOR ME AT WORK.
I'M NOT GONNA BE THERE.
YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?

I'M NOT GONNA BE THERE.
YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?
WHY?

YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?
WHY?
I'M GETTING MARRIED.

WHY?
I'M GETTING MARRIED.
YOU'RE... GETTING MARRIED?

I'M GETTING MARRIED.
YOU'RE... GETTING MARRIED?
YEAH.

YOU'RE... GETTING MARRIED?
YEAH.
AWW!

YEAH.
AWW!
YEAH, NEXT WEEK I'M GOING ON

AWW!
YEAH, NEXT WEEK I'M GOING ON
THE HONEYMOON.

YEAH, NEXT WEEK I'M GOING ON
THE HONEYMOON.
OH!

THE HONEYMOON.
OH!
WAIT! WAIT!

OH!
WAIT! WAIT!
AH!

WAIT! WAIT!
AH!
AHH.

AH!
AHH.
OH.

AHH.
OH.
FOR YOU.

OH.
FOR YOU.
THANKS A LOT.

FOR YOU.
THANKS A LOT.
YOU DON'T MIND IF I DON'T EAT

THANKS A LOT.
YOU DON'T MIND IF I DON'T EAT
THEM HERE?

YOU DON'T MIND IF I DON'T EAT
THEM HERE?
I'LL OPEN THEM WHEN I OPEN THE

THEM HERE?
I'LL OPEN THEM WHEN I OPEN THE
OTHER GIFTS.

I'LL OPEN THEM WHEN I OPEN THE
OTHER GIFTS.
AHH, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

OTHER GIFTS.
AHH, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
THANKS, PETE.

AHH, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
THANKS, PETE.
MARRIED, MARRIED, MARRIED.

THANKS, PETE.
MARRIED, MARRIED, MARRIED.
THAT'S NICE. THAT'S NICE.

MARRIED, MARRIED, MARRIED.
THAT'S NICE. THAT'S NICE.
VERY NICE.

THAT'S NICE. THAT'S NICE.
VERY NICE.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?

VERY NICE.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
WHAT?

WHAT DO YOU WANT?
WHAT?
WHERE DO YOU WANT THE

WHAT?
WHERE DO YOU WANT THE
GLASSES?

WHERE DO YOU WANT THE
GLASSES?
WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?

GLASSES?
WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
GLASSES.

WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
GLASSES.
FREE COKE GLASSES.

GLASSES.
FREE COKE GLASSES.
LOOK.

FREE COKE GLASSES.
LOOK.
4 DOZEN FREE GLASSES, ONE

LOOK.
4 DOZEN FREE GLASSES, ONE
10-FOOT SIGN, AND AN AGREEMENT

4 DOZEN FREE GLASSES, ONE
10-FOOT SIGN, AND AN AGREEMENT
FOR US TO SELL YOU 5-GALLON

10-FOOT SIGN, AND AN AGREEMENT
FOR US TO SELL YOU 5-GALLON
JUGS FOR $15 APIECE.

FOR US TO SELL YOU 5-GALLON
JUGS FOR $15 APIECE.
$15?

JUGS FOR $15 APIECE.
$15?
RIGHT.

$15?
RIGHT.
5-GALLON?

RIGHT.
5-GALLON?
YEAH, IT'LL ONLY TAKE US A

5-GALLON?
YEAH, IT'LL ONLY TAKE US A
MINUTE TO SET IT UP.

YEAH, IT'LL ONLY TAKE US A
MINUTE TO SET IT UP.
SURE, SURE, SURE.

MINUTE TO SET IT UP.
SURE, SURE, SURE.
OKAY.

SURE, SURE, SURE.
OKAY.
HOW ABOUT MY $1.50 THAT YOU OWE

OKAY.
HOW ABOUT MY $1.50 THAT YOU OWE
ME, OR DO I HAVE TO CALL THE

HOW ABOUT MY $1.50 THAT YOU OWE
ME, OR DO I HAVE TO CALL THE
POLICE?

ME, OR DO I HAVE TO CALL THE
POLICE?
I GIVE YOU YOUR MONEY IN

POLICE?
I GIVE YOU YOUR MONEY IN
FOOD!

I GIVE YOU YOUR MONEY IN
FOOD!
ALL RIGHT?!

FOOD!
ALL RIGHT?!
YOU MEAN YOU WON'T GIVE ME

ALL RIGHT?!
YOU MEAN YOU WON'T GIVE ME
$1.50 IN CASH?

YOU MEAN YOU WON'T GIVE ME
$1.50 IN CASH?
CHEESEBURGER.

$1.50 IN CASH?
CHEESEBURGER.
COME ON.

CHEESEBURGER.
COME ON.
I DON'T WANT A CHEESEBURGER!

COME ON.
I DON'T WANT A CHEESEBURGER!
WHAT ELSE DO YOU HAVE?

I DON'T WANT A CHEESEBURGER!
WHAT ELSE DO YOU HAVE?
CHIP.

WHAT ELSE DO YOU HAVE?
CHIP.
OKAY, GIVE ME FOUR BAGS OF

CHIP.
OKAY, GIVE ME FOUR BAGS OF
CHIPS.

OKAY, GIVE ME FOUR BAGS OF
CHIPS.
HOW MUCH DO I HAVE LEFT?

CHIPS.
HOW MUCH DO I HAVE LEFT?
UH...

HOW MUCH DO I HAVE LEFT?
UH...
28.

UH...
28.
OKAY, WELL, I'LL HAVE A

28.
OKAY, WELL, I'LL HAVE A
PEPSI.

OKAY, WELL, I'LL HAVE A
PEPSI.
UH, NO PEPSI.

PEPSI.
UH, NO PEPSI.
COKE.

UH, NO PEPSI.
COKE.
OKAY, I'LL HAVE A COKE!

COKE.
OKAY, I'LL HAVE A COKE!
COKE!

OKAY, I'LL HAVE A COKE!
COKE!
COKE! COKE! COKE! COKE!

COKE!
COKE! COKE! COKE! COKE!
AAH!

HONEY, I SURE HOPE WE'RE AS
HAPPY ON OUR 25th WEDDING
ANNIVERSARY AS MY MOM AND DAD.

HAPPY ON OUR 25th WEDDING
ANNIVERSARY AS MY MOM AND DAD.
WELL, ONLY 23 1/2 LEFT TO GO.

ANNIVERSARY AS MY MOM AND DAD.
WELL, ONLY 23 1/2 LEFT TO GO.
[CHUCKLES]

WELL, ONLY 23 1/2 LEFT TO GO.
[CHUCKLES]
DO YOU REALIZE THIS IS THE FIRST

[CHUCKLES]
DO YOU REALIZE THIS IS THE FIRST
NIGHT THAT WE'VE EVER SPENT

DO YOU REALIZE THIS IS THE FIRST
NIGHT THAT WE'VE EVER SPENT
TOGETHER IN MY OLD BEDROOM?

NIGHT THAT WE'VE EVER SPENT
TOGETHER IN MY OLD BEDROOM?
WHAT DID YOU USED TO DO IN

TOGETHER IN MY OLD BEDROOM?
WHAT DID YOU USED TO DO IN
THIS ROOM?

WHAT DID YOU USED TO DO IN
THIS ROOM?
WELL, I USED TO DREAM ABOUT

THIS ROOM?
WELL, I USED TO DREAM ABOUT
MY FUTURE HUSBAND, AND, UH, I'D

WELL, I USED TO DREAM ABOUT
MY FUTURE HUSBAND, AND, UH, I'D
PRACTICE KISSING THE PILLOW.

MY FUTURE HUSBAND, AND, UH, I'D
PRACTICE KISSING THE PILLOW.
SHOW ME, SHOW ME.

PRACTICE KISSING THE PILLOW.
SHOW ME, SHOW ME.
DO IT FOR ME.

SHOW ME, SHOW ME.
DO IT FOR ME.
LIKE THIS.

DO IT FOR ME.
LIKE THIS.
[GRUNTING]

LIKE THIS.
[GRUNTING]
YOU STILL KISS LIKE THAT.

[GRUNTING]
YOU STILL KISS LIKE THAT.
YOU NEED PRACTICE, AND LOTS

YOU STILL KISS LIKE THAT.
YOU NEED PRACTICE, AND LOTS
OF IT.

YOU NEED PRACTICE, AND LOTS
OF IT.
OKAY.

OF IT.
OKAY.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]

OKAY.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
OH.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]
OH.
COME ON IN, DAD!

OH.
COME ON IN, DAD!
OH.

COME ON IN, DAD!
OH.
OH.

OH.
OH.
YOU IN BED YET?

OH.
YOU IN BED YET?
[LAUGHS]

YOU IN BED YET?
[LAUGHS]
OH, YOU MOVED THE BEDS?

[LAUGHS]
OH, YOU MOVED THE BEDS?
OH, YEAH, SO MARK AND I COULD

OH, YOU MOVED THE BEDS?
OH, YEAH, SO MARK AND I COULD
SLEEP TO... TO SLEEP.

OH, YEAH, SO MARK AND I COULD
SLEEP TO... TO SLEEP.
YEAH.

SLEEP TO... TO SLEEP.
YEAH.
GOOD NIGHT, DADDY.

YEAH.
GOOD NIGHT, DADDY.
YOU KNOW, IT'S GREAT TO HAVE

GOOD NIGHT, DADDY.
YOU KNOW, IT'S GREAT TO HAVE
YOU HOME.

YOU KNOW, IT'S GREAT TO HAVE
YOU HOME.
SIT DOWN, DADDY.

YOU HOME.
SIT DOWN, DADDY.
THANK YOU, DAD.

SIT DOWN, DADDY.
THANK YOU, DAD.
REMEMBER WHEN I WAS TOO

THANK YOU, DAD.
REMEMBER WHEN I WAS TOO
SELF-CONSCIOUS TO CALL YOU DAD?

REMEMBER WHEN I WAS TOO
SELF-CONSCIOUS TO CALL YOU DAD?
I DIDN'T WANT TO CALL YOU

SELF-CONSCIOUS TO CALL YOU DAD?
I DIDN'T WANT TO CALL YOU
MR. HARRIS OR ED, YOU KNOW.

I DIDN'T WANT TO CALL YOU
MR. HARRIS OR ED, YOU KNOW.
AND IT GOT SO I COULDN'T GET

MR. HARRIS OR ED, YOU KNOW.
AND IT GOT SO I COULDN'T GET
YOUR ATTENTION UNLESS WE WERE

AND IT GOT SO I COULDN'T GET
YOUR ATTENTION UNLESS WE WERE
TALKING ALREADY.

YOUR ATTENTION UNLESS WE WERE
TALKING ALREADY.
[CHUCKLES]

TALKING ALREADY.
[CHUCKLES]
IT WAS INCREDIBLE.

[CHUCKLES]
IT WAS INCREDIBLE.
HILARY, DON'T SUCK YOUR

IT WAS INCREDIBLE.
HILARY, DON'T SUCK YOUR
THUMB.

HILARY, DON'T SUCK YOUR
THUMB.
IT'S GOT A NAIL IN IT.

THUMB.
IT'S GOT A NAIL IN IT.
OH, DAD.

IT'S GOT A NAIL IN IT.
OH, DAD.
I'VE BET YOU SAID THAT A MILLION

OH, DAD.
I'VE BET YOU SAID THAT A MILLION
TIMES.

I'VE BET YOU SAID THAT A MILLION
TIMES.
DO YOU REMEMBER...

TIMES.
DO YOU REMEMBER...
♪ GOOD NIGHT ♪

DO YOU REMEMBER...
♪ GOOD NIGHT ♪
♪ SLEEP TIGHT ♪

♪ GOOD NIGHT ♪
♪ SLEEP TIGHT ♪
♪ DON'T LET THE BEDBUGS BITE ♪

♪ SLEEP TIGHT ♪
♪ DON'T LET THE BEDBUGS BITE ♪
THAT'S CUTE.

♪ DON'T LET THE BEDBUGS BITE ♪
THAT'S CUTE.
YEAH, AND I REMEMBER YOU USED

THAT'S CUTE.
YEAH, AND I REMEMBER YOU USED
TO ALWAYS GO AROUND AND CHECK

YEAH, AND I REMEMBER YOU USED
TO ALWAYS GO AROUND AND CHECK
THE CLOSET FOR BOOGEYMEN AND

TO ALWAYS GO AROUND AND CHECK
THE CLOSET FOR BOOGEYMEN AND
LOOK UNDER THE BED FOR SNAKES.

THE CLOSET FOR BOOGEYMEN AND
LOOK UNDER THE BED FOR SNAKES.
AND I USED TO GIVE YOU FOUR

LOOK UNDER THE BED FOR SNAKES.
AND I USED TO GIVE YOU FOUR
KISSES BEFORE YOU'D GO TO SLEEP.

AND I USED TO GIVE YOU FOUR
KISSES BEFORE YOU'D GO TO SLEEP.
ONE FOR MAMA.

KISSES BEFORE YOU'D GO TO SLEEP.
ONE FOR MAMA.
ONE FOR PAPA.

ONE FOR MAMA.
ONE FOR PAPA.
ONE FOR GOD.

ONE FOR PAPA.
ONE FOR GOD.
AND ONE FOR JACK BENNY.

ONE FOR GOD.
AND ONE FOR JACK BENNY.
JACK BENNY.

AND ONE FOR JACK BENNY.
JACK BENNY.
THAT'S PRETTY WEIRD.

JACK BENNY.
THAT'S PRETTY WEIRD.
AND, DAD, REMEMBER HOW YOU

THAT'S PRETTY WEIRD.
AND, DAD, REMEMBER HOW YOU
USED TO FLUFF UP MY PILLOW SO IT

AND, DAD, REMEMBER HOW YOU
USED TO FLUFF UP MY PILLOW SO IT
WAS NICE AND FAT?

USED TO FLUFF UP MY PILLOW SO IT
WAS NICE AND FAT?
[BLOWS]

WAS NICE AND FAT?
[BLOWS]
PBHT!

[BLOWS]
PBHT!
[BLOWS]

PBHT!
[BLOWS]
NOW YOU'RE ALL BIG AND FAT AND

[BLOWS]
NOW YOU'RE ALL BIG AND FAT AND
FULL OF SWEET DREAMS FOR MY

NOW YOU'RE ALL BIG AND FAT AND
FULL OF SWEET DREAMS FOR MY
LITTLE PRINCESS.

FULL OF SWEET DREAMS FOR MY
LITTLE PRINCESS.
THANKS.

LITTLE PRINCESS.
THANKS.
HERE, YOU WANT THIS PILLOW?

THANKS.
HERE, YOU WANT THIS PILLOW?
I DON'T NEED IT.

HERE, YOU WANT THIS PILLOW?
I DON'T NEED IT.
OH, NO, THANKS, MARK.

I DON'T NEED IT.
OH, NO, THANKS, MARK.
WELL, YOU CAN HAVE IT ANYWAY.

OH, NO, THANKS, MARK.
WELL, YOU CAN HAVE IT ANYWAY.
HOW'S THAT?

YOU KNOW, FOR AN OLD GUY, YOU
SURE TAKE PILLOW FIGHTS
SERIOUSLY.

SURE TAKE PILLOW FIGHTS
SERIOUSLY.
YOU CAN DISH IT OUT, BUT YOU

SERIOUSLY.
YOU CAN DISH IT OUT, BUT YOU
CAN'T TAKE IT.

YOU CAN DISH IT OUT, BUT YOU
CAN'T TAKE IT.
[LAUGHS]

CAN'T TAKE IT.
[LAUGHS]
WHAT A LITTLE CRYBABY.

[LAUGHS]
WHAT A LITTLE CRYBABY.
DID I EVER TELL YOU, HONEY BABY,

WHAT A LITTLE CRYBABY.
DID I EVER TELL YOU, HONEY BABY,
THAT WHEN YOU WERE JUST A VERY

DID I EVER TELL YOU, HONEY BABY,
THAT WHEN YOU WERE JUST A VERY
LITTLE BABY, YOU LOOKED LIKE

THAT WHEN YOU WERE JUST A VERY
LITTLE BABY, YOU LOOKED LIKE
EDWARD G. ROBINSON?

LITTLE BABY, YOU LOOKED LIKE
EDWARD G. ROBINSON?
WE HAD TO HIDE YOU IN THE HOUSE

EDWARD G. ROBINSON?
WE HAD TO HIDE YOU IN THE HOUSE
SO YOU WOULDN'T SCARE PEOPLE...

WE HAD TO HIDE YOU IN THE HOUSE
SO YOU WOULDN'T SCARE PEOPLE...
TILL YOU WERE 6 MONTHS OLD.

SO YOU WOULDN'T SCARE PEOPLE...
TILL YOU WERE 6 MONTHS OLD.
THEN YOU TURNED INTO A RAVING

TILL YOU WERE 6 MONTHS OLD.
THEN YOU TURNED INTO A RAVING
BEAUTY.

THEN YOU TURNED INTO A RAVING
BEAUTY.
OH.

BEAUTY.
OH.
I CAN REMEMBER HOW WHEN I WAS

OH.
I CAN REMEMBER HOW WHEN I WAS
REAL LITTLE, I USED TO HAVE

I CAN REMEMBER HOW WHEN I WAS
REAL LITTLE, I USED TO HAVE
NAMES FOR ALL YOUR SOCKS.

REAL LITTLE, I USED TO HAVE
NAMES FOR ALL YOUR SOCKS.
AND THEY WERE IN COUPLES.

NAMES FOR ALL YOUR SOCKS.
AND THEY WERE IN COUPLES.
AND I ALWAYS KNEW WHO YOU WERE

AND THEY WERE IN COUPLES.
AND I ALWAYS KNEW WHO YOU WERE
WEARING.

AND I ALWAYS KNEW WHO YOU WERE
WEARING.
REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DANCE

WEARING.
REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DANCE
TOGETHER WITH YOU STANDING ON

REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DANCE
TOGETHER WITH YOU STANDING ON
TOP OF MY SHOES?

TOGETHER WITH YOU STANDING ON
TOP OF MY SHOES?
I...

TOP OF MY SHOES?
I...
I REMEMBER ONCE I TOOK MY DAD

I...
I REMEMBER ONCE I TOOK MY DAD
TO THE WORLD SERIES, AND WE HAD

I REMEMBER ONCE I TOOK MY DAD
TO THE WORLD SERIES, AND WE HAD
ABOUT THE BEST TIME WE EVER DID.

TO THE WORLD SERIES, AND WE HAD
ABOUT THE BEST TIME WE EVER DID.
THAT SOUNDS GREAT.

ABOUT THE BEST TIME WE EVER DID.
THAT SOUNDS GREAT.
DAD...

THAT SOUNDS GREAT.
DAD...
MM-HMM?

DAD...
MM-HMM?
THERE'S SOMETHING I NEVER

MM-HMM?
THERE'S SOMETHING I NEVER
TOLD YOU.

THERE'S SOMETHING I NEVER
TOLD YOU.
WHAT, HONEY?

TOLD YOU.
WHAT, HONEY?
WELL, WHEN I WAS IN FIFTH

WHAT, HONEY?
WELL, WHEN I WAS IN FIFTH
GRADE, MOM USED TO ALWAYS MAKE

WELL, WHEN I WAS IN FIFTH
GRADE, MOM USED TO ALWAYS MAKE
ME WEAR LEGGINGS.

GRADE, MOM USED TO ALWAYS MAKE
ME WEAR LEGGINGS.
AND NONE OF THE OTHER GIRLS HAD

ME WEAR LEGGINGS.
AND NONE OF THE OTHER GIRLS HAD
TO.

AND NONE OF THE OTHER GIRLS HAD
TO.
AND EVERY MORNING I'D TAKE THOSE

TO.
AND EVERY MORNING I'D TAKE THOSE
LEGGINGS OFF AND LEAVE THEM IN

AND EVERY MORNING I'D TAKE THOSE
LEGGINGS OFF AND LEAVE THEM IN
THE GARAGE.

LEGGINGS OFF AND LEAVE THEM IN
THE GARAGE.
AND WHEN YOU DROVE ME TO SCHOOL,

THE GARAGE.
AND WHEN YOU DROVE ME TO SCHOOL,
YOU MUST HAVE SEEN THEM A

AND WHEN YOU DROVE ME TO SCHOOL,
YOU MUST HAVE SEEN THEM A
MILLION TIMES.

YOU MUST HAVE SEEN THEM A
MILLION TIMES.
AND YOU NEVER SAID ANYTHING TO

MILLION TIMES.
AND YOU NEVER SAID ANYTHING TO
MOM.

AND YOU NEVER SAID ANYTHING TO
MOM.
SO I JUST WANTED TO THANK YOU

MOM.
SO I JUST WANTED TO THANK YOU
FOR THAT.

SO I JUST WANTED TO THANK YOU
FOR THAT.
LEGGINGS?

FOR THAT.
LEGGINGS?
WELL, WE GUYS DON'T MIND WHEN

LEGGINGS?
WELL, WE GUYS DON'T MIND WHEN
YOU TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF, DO

WELL, WE GUYS DON'T MIND WHEN
YOU TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF, DO
WE?

YOU TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF, DO
WE?
SHUT UP, MARK.

WE?
SHUT UP, MARK.
JUST SHUT UP.

SHUT UP, MARK.
JUST SHUT UP.
I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE TO

JUST SHUT UP.
I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE TO
YOU, HONEY.

I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE TO
YOU, HONEY.
REMEMBER ON HALLOWEEN WHEN YOU

YOU, HONEY.
REMEMBER ON HALLOWEEN WHEN YOU
THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING

REMEMBER ON HALLOWEEN WHEN YOU
THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING
TRICK-OR-TREATING ALL BY

THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING
TRICK-OR-TREATING ALL BY
YOURSELF?

TRICK-OR-TREATING ALL BY
YOURSELF?
WELL, I WAS FOLLOWING YOU IN THE

YOURSELF?
WELL, I WAS FOLLOWING YOU IN THE
CAR.

WELL, I WAS FOLLOWING YOU IN THE
CAR.
I KNEW.

CAR.
I KNEW.
YOU KNEW?

I KNEW.
YOU KNEW?
[CHUCKLES]

YOU KNEW?
[CHUCKLES]
WELL, YOU KNOW THOSE HOOFPRINTS

[CHUCKLES]
WELL, YOU KNOW THOSE HOOFPRINTS
IN THE SNOW ON THE ROOF THAT I

WELL, YOU KNOW THOSE HOOFPRINTS
IN THE SNOW ON THE ROOF THAT I
SAID WERE SANTA'S REINDEER?

IN THE SNOW ON THE ROOF THAT I
SAID WERE SANTA'S REINDEER?
I MADE THEM.

SAID WERE SANTA'S REINDEER?
I MADE THEM.
I MADE THEM.

I MADE THEM.
I MADE THEM.
YEAH.

I MADE THEM.
YEAH.
I WAS SANTA.

YEAH.
I WAS SANTA.
AND I WAS THE EASTER BUNNY.

I WAS SANTA.
AND I WAS THE EASTER BUNNY.
AND I WAS THE TOOTH FAIRY.

AND I WAS THE EASTER BUNNY.
AND I WAS THE TOOTH FAIRY.
AND I AM THE WALRUS.

AND I WAS THE TOOTH FAIRY.
AND I AM THE WALRUS.
COO-COO CA-CHOO.

HONEY, I'M... I'M SORRY I WAS
SO MEAN TO THAT BOYFRIEND OF
YOURS, BUT HE WAS SO BORING.

SO MEAN TO THAT BOYFRIEND OF
YOURS, BUT HE WAS SO BORING.
YOU MEAN MARK?

YOURS, BUT HE WAS SO BORING.
YOU MEAN MARK?
I MARRIED HIM.

YOU MEAN MARK?
I MARRIED HIM.
I COULD NEVER UNDERSTAND WHY

I MARRIED HIM.
I COULD NEVER UNDERSTAND WHY
YOU MARRIED THAT GUY.

I COULD NEVER UNDERSTAND WHY
YOU MARRIED THAT GUY.
THIS GUY, HUH?

YOU MARRIED THAT GUY.
THIS GUY, HUH?
OKAY?

THIS GUY, HUH?
OKAY?
OR YOU CAN CALL ME "HE" OR

OKAY?
OR YOU CAN CALL ME "HE" OR
"HIM."

OR YOU CAN CALL ME "HE" OR
"HIM."
WHATEVER YOU'RE COMFORTABLE

"HIM."
WHATEVER YOU'RE COMFORTABLE
WITH, REALLY.

WHATEVER YOU'RE COMFORTABLE
WITH, REALLY.
AW, SWEETIE, I'M SORRY.

WITH, REALLY.
AW, SWEETIE, I'M SORRY.
WE'RE IGNORING YOU, AREN'T WE?

AW, SWEETIE, I'M SORRY.
WE'RE IGNORING YOU, AREN'T WE?
HILARY, HONEY...

WE'RE IGNORING YOU, AREN'T WE?
HILARY, HONEY...
DO YOU REMEMBER THIS ONE?

HILARY, HONEY...
DO YOU REMEMBER THIS ONE?
♪ ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT ♪

DO YOU REMEMBER THIS ONE?
♪ ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT ♪
♪ ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT ♪

♪ ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT ♪
♪ ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT ♪
♪ ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT ♪

♪ ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT ♪
♪ ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT ♪
♪ GENTLY DOWN THE STREAM ♪

♪ ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT ♪
♪ GENTLY DOWN THE STREAM ♪
♪ MERRILY, MERRILY... ♪

♪ GENTLY DOWN THE STREAM ♪
♪ MERRILY, MERRILY... ♪
MARK, YOU'RE THROWING ME OFF.

♪ MERRILY, MERRILY... ♪
MARK, YOU'RE THROWING ME OFF.
♪ ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT ♪

MARK, YOU'RE THROWING ME OFF.
♪ ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT ♪
♪ GENTLY DOWN THE STREAM ♪

♪ ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT ♪
♪ GENTLY DOWN THE STREAM ♪
♪ MERRILY, MERRILY, MERR... ♪

♪ GENTLY DOWN THE STREAM ♪
♪ MERRILY, MERRILY, MERR... ♪
♪ ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT ♪

♪ MERRILY, MERRILY, MERR... ♪
♪ ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT ♪
GOOD NIGHT, MARK.

♪ ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT ♪
GOOD NIGHT, MARK.
♪ GENTLY DOWN THE STREAM ♪

GOOD NIGHT, MARK.
♪ GENTLY DOWN THE STREAM ♪
DAD...

♪ GENTLY DOWN THE STREAM ♪
DAD...
REMEMBER WHEN I USED TO SING

DAD...
REMEMBER WHEN I USED TO SING
THAT LULLABY TO YOU AND YOU'D

REMEMBER WHEN I USED TO SING
THAT LULLABY TO YOU AND YOU'D
PRETEND YOU WERE FALLING ASLEEP?

THAT LULLABY TO YOU AND YOU'D
PRETEND YOU WERE FALLING ASLEEP?
REMEMBER?

PRETEND YOU WERE FALLING ASLEEP?
REMEMBER?
♪ TOO-RA-LOO-RA-LOO-RA ♪

REMEMBER?
♪ TOO-RA-LOO-RA-LOO-RA ♪
♪ TOO-RA-LOO-RA-LI ♪

♪ TOO-RA-LOO-RA-LOO-RA ♪
♪ TOO-RA-LOO-RA-LI ♪
♪ TOO-RA... ♪

♪ TOO-RA-LOO-RA-LI ♪
♪ TOO-RA... ♪
DAD?

♪ TOO-RA... ♪
DAD?
[SNORING]

MARK?
I'M GONNA GO SAY GOOD NIGHT TO
MOM.

DAD?

HEY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
OH.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
OH.
OH, I'M SORRY.

OH.
OH, I'M SORRY.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE HILARY.

OH, I'M SORRY.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE HILARY.
[LAUGHS]

I THOUGHT YOU WERE HILARY.
[LAUGHS]
WHERE IS SHE?

[LAUGHS]
WHERE IS SHE?
I GUESS SHE MUST HAVE GONE

WHERE IS SHE?
I GUESS SHE MUST HAVE GONE
INTO HER MOTHER'S ROOM.

I GUESS SHE MUST HAVE GONE
INTO HER MOTHER'S ROOM.
OH.

INTO HER MOTHER'S ROOM.
OH.
HEY, I GOT AN IDEA.

OH.
HEY, I GOT AN IDEA.
WHY DON'T YOU GO SLEEP WITH YOUR

HEY, I GOT AN IDEA.
WHY DON'T YOU GO SLEEP WITH YOUR
WIFE, AND I'LL SLEEP WITH MINE?

[SIGHS]

Announcer: AND NOW
"WEEKEND UPDATE," WITH THE
"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.

"WEEKEND UPDATE," WITH THE
"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.
BROUGHT TO YOU BY L'OGGS...

"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.
BROUGHT TO YOU BY L'OGGS...
THE PANTY HOSE FOR TREE STUMPS.

BROUGHT TO YOU BY L'OGGS...
THE PANTY HOSE FOR TREE STUMPS.
HERE ARE BILL MURRAY AND

THE PANTY HOSE FOR TREE STUMPS.
HERE ARE BILL MURRAY AND
JANE CURTIN.

HERE ARE BILL MURRAY AND
JANE CURTIN.
GOOD EVENING.

JANE CURTIN.
GOOD EVENING.
I'M JANE CURTIN.

GOOD EVENING.
I'M JANE CURTIN.
HERE NOW THE NEWS.

I'M JANE CURTIN.
HERE NOW THE NEWS.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...

HERE NOW THE NEWS.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...
CONGRATULATIONS ARE IN ORDER, AS

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...
CONGRATULATIONS ARE IN ORDER, AS
POPE JOHN PAUL II BROKE

CONGRATULATIONS ARE IN ORDER, AS
POPE JOHN PAUL II BROKE
POPE JOHN PAUL I's 34-DAY RECORD

POPE JOHN PAUL II BROKE
POPE JOHN PAUL I's 34-DAY RECORD
FOR LONGEST REIGN AS PONTIFF FOR

POPE JOHN PAUL I's 34-DAY RECORD
FOR LONGEST REIGN AS PONTIFF FOR
A POPE NAMED JOHN PAUL.

FOR LONGEST REIGN AS PONTIFF FOR
A POPE NAMED JOHN PAUL.
AND TO CELEBRATE THE OCCASION,

A POPE NAMED JOHN PAUL.
AND TO CELEBRATE THE OCCASION,
HE EXCOMMUNICATED A 9-YEAR-OLD

AND TO CELEBRATE THE OCCASION,
HE EXCOMMUNICATED A 9-YEAR-OLD
BOY.

HE EXCOMMUNICATED A 9-YEAR-OLD
BOY.
BILL.

BOY.
BILL.
WELL, THANK YOU, JANE.

BILL.
WELL, THANK YOU, JANE.
THAT J.P. II IS A MANIAC, ISN'T

WELL, THANK YOU, JANE.
THAT J.P. II IS A MANIAC, ISN'T
HE?

THAT J.P. II IS A MANIAC, ISN'T
HE?
I LOVE YOU, JOHNNY.

HE?
I LOVE YOU, JOHNNY.
YOU'RE HOLY AS HELL.

I LOVE YOU, JOHNNY.
YOU'RE HOLY AS HELL.
NOW GET OUT OF HERE.

YOU'RE HOLY AS HELL.
NOW GET OUT OF HERE.
I LOVE YOU.

NOW GET OUT OF HERE.
I LOVE YOU.
CHUCK BARRIS IS IN TOWN WITH A

I LOVE YOU.
CHUCK BARRIS IS IN TOWN WITH A
NEW VERSION OF "THE GONG SHOW."

CHUCK BARRIS IS IN TOWN WITH A
NEW VERSION OF "THE GONG SHOW."
THIS WEEK SAN FRANCISCO IS IN

NEW VERSION OF "THE GONG SHOW."
THIS WEEK SAN FRANCISCO IS IN
MOURNING FOR TWO OF ITS MOST

THIS WEEK SAN FRANCISCO IS IN
MOURNING FOR TWO OF ITS MOST
RESPECTED AND BELOVED LEADERS,

MOURNING FOR TWO OF ITS MOST
RESPECTED AND BELOVED LEADERS,
MAYOR GEORGE MOSCONE AND

RESPECTED AND BELOVED LEADERS,
MAYOR GEORGE MOSCONE AND
SUPERVISOR HARRY MILK, A

MAYOR GEORGE MOSCONE AND
SUPERVISOR HARRY MILK, A
COURAGEOUS ADVOCATE OF GAY

SUPERVISOR HARRY MILK, A
COURAGEOUS ADVOCATE OF GAY
RIGHTS.

COURAGEOUS ADVOCATE OF GAY
RIGHTS.
WITH THE STORY IN SAN FRANCISCO,

RIGHTS.
WITH THE STORY IN SAN FRANCISCO,
HERE'S LARAINE NEWMAN.

HERE IN CHINATOWN, WALL

POSTERS LINE THE STREETS

MOURNING THE DEATHS OF

MAYOR MOSCONE AND

SUPERVISOR MILK.

MILK, A HOMOSEXUAL, WAS

ESPECIALLY POPULAR HERE IN

PREDOMINANTLY GAY CHINATOWN.

GRIEF-STRICKEN CHINESE
HOMOSEXUALS WEARING BLACK
ARMBANDS MARCHED FROM CHINATOWN

HOMOSEXUALS WEARING BLACK
ARMBANDS MARCHED FROM CHINATOWN
TO GOLDEN GATE PARK, WHERE A

ARMBANDS MARCHED FROM CHINATOWN
TO GOLDEN GATE PARK, WHERE A
MASS WAKE WAS HELD.

TO GOLDEN GATE PARK, WHERE A
MASS WAKE WAS HELD.
IN ALL, OVER 300,000 HOMOSEXUALS

MASS WAKE WAS HELD.
IN ALL, OVER 300,000 HOMOSEXUALS
FROM THE CHINATOWN AREA MOURNED

IN ALL, OVER 300,000 HOMOSEXUALS
FROM THE CHINATOWN AREA MOURNED
THE SLAIN SUPERVISOR, WHO WAS

FROM THE CHINATOWN AREA MOURNED
THE SLAIN SUPERVISOR, WHO WAS
THE FIRST ELECTED CITY OFFICIAL

THE SLAIN SUPERVISOR, WHO WAS
THE FIRST ELECTED CITY OFFICIAL
HERE TO BE AN AVOWED HOMOSEXUAL.

THE FIRST ELECTED CITY OFFICIAL
HERE TO BE AN AVOWED HOMOSEXUAL.
THE CROWD CARRIED BANNERS

HERE TO BE AN AVOWED HOMOSEXUAL.
THE CROWD CARRIED BANNERS
ESPOUSING GAY RIGHTS AND WORE

THE CROWD CARRIED BANNERS
ESPOUSING GAY RIGHTS AND WORE
GREEN KHAKI UNIFORMS, WHICH

ESPOUSING GAY RIGHTS AND WORE
GREEN KHAKI UNIFORMS, WHICH
SERVE AS A SIGNAL OF UNITY TO

GREEN KHAKI UNIFORMS, WHICH
SERVE AS A SIGNAL OF UNITY TO
FELLOW HOMOSEXUALS.

SERVE AS A SIGNAL OF UNITY TO
FELLOW HOMOSEXUALS.
THE RED PATCHES ON THE COLLAR

FELLOW HOMOSEXUALS.
THE RED PATCHES ON THE COLLAR
INDICATE THE WEARER PREFERS TO

THE RED PATCHES ON THE COLLAR
INDICATE THE WEARER PREFERS TO
BE DOMINANT DURING THE PHYSICAL

INDICATE THE WEARER PREFERS TO
BE DOMINANT DURING THE PHYSICAL
ACT OF SEX, WHILE THE KEY CHAIN

BE DOMINANT DURING THE PHYSICAL
ACT OF SEX, WHILE THE KEY CHAIN
WORN OUTSIDE THE HIP POCKET

ACT OF SEX, WHILE THE KEY CHAIN
WORN OUTSIDE THE HIP POCKET
INDICATES A PREFERENCE FOR THE

WORN OUTSIDE THE HIP POCKET
INDICATES A PREFERENCE FOR THE
SUBMISSIVE ROLE.

INDICATES A PREFERENCE FOR THE
SUBMISSIVE ROLE.
NEXT WEEK CHINATOWN WILL BE

SUBMISSIVE ROLE.
NEXT WEEK CHINATOWN WILL BE
CELEBRATING THE CHINESE NEW

NEXT WEEK CHINATOWN WILL BE
CELEBRATING THE CHINESE NEW
YEAR, USHERING IN, IRONICALLY

CELEBRATING THE CHINESE NEW
YEAR, USHERING IN, IRONICALLY
ENOUGH, THE YEAR OF THE FIST.

YEAR, USHERING IN, IRONICALLY
ENOUGH, THE YEAR OF THE FIST.
LARAINE NEWMAN FOR

ENOUGH, THE YEAR OF THE FIST.
LARAINE NEWMAN FOR
"WEEKEND UPDATE" IN

LARAINE NEWMAN FOR
"WEEKEND UPDATE" IN
SAN FRANCISCO.

"WEEKEND UPDATE" IN
SAN FRANCISCO.
IN WEST GERMANY, AN AMERICAN

SAN FRANCISCO.
IN WEST GERMANY, AN AMERICAN
MANUFACTURER, THE MATTEL TOY

IN WEST GERMANY, AN AMERICAN
MANUFACTURER, THE MATTEL TOY
COMPANY, IS DISTRIBUTING

MANUFACTURER, THE MATTEL TOY
COMPANY, IS DISTRIBUTING
SWASTIKA-DECORATED TOYS

COMPANY, IS DISTRIBUTING
SWASTIKA-DECORATED TOYS
REMINISCENT OF THE NAZI ERA.

SWASTIKA-DECORATED TOYS
REMINISCENT OF THE NAZI ERA.
DESPITE PROTESTS BY RELIGIOUS

REMINISCENT OF THE NAZI ERA.
DESPITE PROTESTS BY RELIGIOUS
GROUPS, MATTEL VICE PRESIDENT

DESPITE PROTESTS BY RELIGIOUS
GROUPS, MATTEL VICE PRESIDENT
SPENCER BOISE SAID THE FIRM WILL

GROUPS, MATTEL VICE PRESIDENT
SPENCER BOISE SAID THE FIRM WILL
CONTINUE TO MARKET AND SELL THE

SPENCER BOISE SAID THE FIRM WILL
CONTINUE TO MARKET AND SELL THE
NAZI PLAYTHINGS.

CONTINUE TO MARKET AND SELL THE
NAZI PLAYTHINGS.
BY WAY OF EXPLANATION, BOISE

NAZI PLAYTHINGS.
BY WAY OF EXPLANATION, BOISE
REPORTEDLY ADDED, "I'M INNOCENT.

BY WAY OF EXPLANATION, BOISE
REPORTEDLY ADDED, "I'M INNOCENT.
WE ARE ONLY FILLING ORDERS."

REPORTEDLY ADDED, "I'M INNOCENT.
WE ARE ONLY FILLING ORDERS."
DR. PATRICK STEPTOE, THE BRITISH

WE ARE ONLY FILLING ORDERS."
DR. PATRICK STEPTOE, THE BRITISH
GYNECOLOGIST WHOSE RESEARCH LED

DR. PATRICK STEPTOE, THE BRITISH
GYNECOLOGIST WHOSE RESEARCH LED
TO THE WORLD'S FIRST BIRTH BY

GYNECOLOGIST WHOSE RESEARCH LED
TO THE WORLD'S FIRST BIRTH BY
TEST-TUBE FERTILIZATION,

TO THE WORLD'S FIRST BIRTH BY
TEST-TUBE FERTILIZATION,
DISCLOSED THAT A TEST-TUBE BABY

TEST-TUBE FERTILIZATION,
DISCLOSED THAT A TEST-TUBE BABY
CLINIC WILL OPEN SOON IN

DISCLOSED THAT A TEST-TUBE BABY
CLINIC WILL OPEN SOON IN
NORFOLK, VIRGINIA.

CLINIC WILL OPEN SOON IN
NORFOLK, VIRGINIA.
THAT'S GOOD NEWS FOR ALL YOU

NORFOLK, VIRGINIA.
THAT'S GOOD NEWS FOR ALL YOU
COUPLES WHO WANT TO HAVE

THAT'S GOOD NEWS FOR ALL YOU
COUPLES WHO WANT TO HAVE
CHILDREN BUT JUST CAN'T STAND

COUPLES WHO WANT TO HAVE
CHILDREN BUT JUST CAN'T STAND
HAVING SEX WITH EACH OTHER.

CHILDREN BUT JUST CAN'T STAND
HAVING SEX WITH EACH OTHER.
OH, BY THE WAY, THAT TOWN IS

HAVING SEX WITH EACH OTHER.
OH, BY THE WAY, THAT TOWN IS
NORFOLK, SPELLED

OH, BY THE WAY, THAT TOWN IS
NORFOLK, SPELLED
"N-O-R-F-O-L-K."

NORFOLK, SPELLED
"N-O-R-F-O-L-K."
NORFOLK.

"N-O-R-F-O-L-K."
NORFOLK.
AS A RESULT OF NEW LEGISLATION,

NORFOLK.
AS A RESULT OF NEW LEGISLATION,
CONTRACEPTIVE DEVICES IN IRELAND

AS A RESULT OF NEW LEGISLATION,
CONTRACEPTIVE DEVICES IN IRELAND
WILL NOW BE AVAILABLE WITHOUT A

CONTRACEPTIVE DEVICES IN IRELAND
WILL NOW BE AVAILABLE WITHOUT A
PRESCRIPTION.

WILL NOW BE AVAILABLE WITHOUT A
PRESCRIPTION.
THE ONLY PREDICTED CULTURAL

PRESCRIPTION.
THE ONLY PREDICTED CULTURAL
CHANGE WILL BE THE LYRIC OF THE

THE ONLY PREDICTED CULTURAL
CHANGE WILL BE THE LYRIC OF THE
POPULAR SONG "DID YOUR MOTHER

CHANGE WILL BE THE LYRIC OF THE
POPULAR SONG "DID YOUR MOTHER
COME FROM IRELAND?" WHICH WILL

POPULAR SONG "DID YOUR MOTHER
COME FROM IRELAND?" WHICH WILL
HAVE THE ADDED LINE, "PROBABLY

COME FROM IRELAND?" WHICH WILL
HAVE THE ADDED LINE, "PROBABLY
NOT."

HAVE THE ADDED LINE, "PROBABLY
NOT."
AND WE'RE TOLD THAT THE FIRST

NOT."
AND WE'RE TOLD THAT THE FIRST
NEW COMMERCIAL PRODUCT IS

AND WE'RE TOLD THAT THE FIRST
NEW COMMERCIAL PRODUCT IS
ALREADY ON THE MARKET...

NEW COMMERCIAL PRODUCT IS
ALREADY ON THE MARKET...
AN INTRAUTERINE DEVICE CALLED

ALREADY ON THE MARKET...
AN INTRAUTERINE DEVICE CALLED
IRISH SPRING.

AN INTRAUTERINE DEVICE CALLED
IRISH SPRING.
AND I LIKE IT, TOO.

IRISH SPRING.
AND I LIKE IT, TOO.
BILL.

AND I LIKE IT, TOO.
BILL.
JAMES G. CLARK, THE FORMER

BILL.
JAMES G. CLARK, THE FORMER
SHERIFF WHO BECAME A SYMBOL OF

JAMES G. CLARK, THE FORMER
SHERIFF WHO BECAME A SYMBOL OF
RESISTANCE TO BLACK VOTING

SHERIFF WHO BECAME A SYMBOL OF
RESISTANCE TO BLACK VOTING
RIGHTS DURING CIVIL-RIGHTS

RESISTANCE TO BLACK VOTING
RIGHTS DURING CIVIL-RIGHTS
DEMONSTRATIONS IN SELMA,

RIGHTS DURING CIVIL-RIGHTS
DEMONSTRATIONS IN SELMA,
ALABAMA, IN 1965, WAS SENTENCED

DEMONSTRATIONS IN SELMA,
ALABAMA, IN 1965, WAS SENTENCED
YESTERDAY TO TWO YEARS IN

ALABAMA, IN 1965, WAS SENTENCED
YESTERDAY TO TWO YEARS IN
FEDERAL PRISON FOR SMUGGLING

YESTERDAY TO TWO YEARS IN
FEDERAL PRISON FOR SMUGGLING
MARIJUANA.

FEDERAL PRISON FOR SMUGGLING
MARIJUANA.
IT GOES TO SHOW THAT JUST

MARIJUANA.
IT GOES TO SHOW THAT JUST
BECAUSE A GUY'S A BIGOT DOESN'T

IT GOES TO SHOW THAT JUST
BECAUSE A GUY'S A BIGOT DOESN'T
MEAN HE'S ALL BAD.

BECAUSE A GUY'S A BIGOT DOESN'T
MEAN HE'S ALL BAD.
BECAUSE OF THE TREMENDOUS INFLUX

MEAN HE'S ALL BAD.
BECAUSE OF THE TREMENDOUS INFLUX
OF CHRISTMAS SHOPPERS IN

BECAUSE OF THE TREMENDOUS INFLUX
OF CHRISTMAS SHOPPERS IN
NEW YORK CITY THIS YEAR, SOME

OF CHRISTMAS SHOPPERS IN
NEW YORK CITY THIS YEAR, SOME
SHOPPERS WILL BE REQUIRED TO

NEW YORK CITY THIS YEAR, SOME
SHOPPERS WILL BE REQUIRED TO
CRAWL ON THEIR BELLIES IN LARGER

SHOPPERS WILL BE REQUIRED TO
CRAWL ON THEIR BELLIES IN LARGER
DEPARTMENT STORES TO MAKE WAY

CRAWL ON THEIR BELLIES IN LARGER
DEPARTMENT STORES TO MAKE WAY
FOR OTHER SHOPPERS WHO CAN WALK

DEPARTMENT STORES TO MAKE WAY
FOR OTHER SHOPPERS WHO CAN WALK
CAREFULLY BETWEEN THEM.

FOR OTHER SHOPPERS WHO CAN WALK
CAREFULLY BETWEEN THEM.
FRED MACY, PRESIDENT OF MACY'S

CAREFULLY BETWEEN THEM.
FRED MACY, PRESIDENT OF MACY'S
DEPARTMENT STORE, SAID, "THIS IS

FRED MACY, PRESIDENT OF MACY'S
DEPARTMENT STORE, SAID, "THIS IS
GREAT, BUT I'M WORRIED AS HELL

DEPARTMENT STORE, SAID, "THIS IS
GREAT, BUT I'M WORRIED AS HELL
ABOUT THE ESCALATORS."

GREAT, BUT I'M WORRIED AS HELL
ABOUT THE ESCALATORS."
[LAUGHS]

ABOUT THE ESCALATORS."
[LAUGHS]
JANE.

[LAUGHS]
JANE.
[LAUGHS]

JANE.
[LAUGHS]
NOW THAT THE HOLIDAY SEASON IS

[LAUGHS]
NOW THAT THE HOLIDAY SEASON IS
OFFICIALLY WITH US, IT IS A TIME

NOW THAT THE HOLIDAY SEASON IS
OFFICIALLY WITH US, IT IS A TIME
FOR MERRIMENT AND CELEBRATION.

OFFICIALLY WITH US, IT IS A TIME
FOR MERRIMENT AND CELEBRATION.
BUT IT IS ALSO A TIME FOR

FOR MERRIMENT AND CELEBRATION.
BUT IT IS ALSO A TIME FOR
REFLECTION ABOUT THE LESS

BUT IT IS ALSO A TIME FOR
REFLECTION ABOUT THE LESS
FORTUNATE THAN OURSELVES.

REFLECTION ABOUT THE LESS
FORTUNATE THAN OURSELVES.
HERE WITH SOME MORE THOUGHTS ON

FORTUNATE THAN OURSELVES.
HERE WITH SOME MORE THOUGHTS ON
THAT SUBJECT IS "UPDATE"

HERE WITH SOME MORE THOUGHTS ON
THAT SUBJECT IS "UPDATE"
CORRESPONDENT JOHN BELUSHI.

THAT SUBJECT IS "UPDATE"
CORRESPONDENT JOHN BELUSHI.
JOHN.

CORRESPONDENT JOHN BELUSHI.
JOHN.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[CLEARS THROAT]
THANK YOU, JANE.
DURING THE HOLIDAY SEASON, WE AT

THANK YOU, JANE.
DURING THE HOLIDAY SEASON, WE AT
"WEEKEND UPDATE" WOULD LIKE TO

DURING THE HOLIDAY SEASON, WE AT
"WEEKEND UPDATE" WOULD LIKE TO
REMIND YOU NOT TO FORGET THE

"WEEKEND UPDATE" WOULD LIKE TO
REMIND YOU NOT TO FORGET THE
NEEDY PEOPLE OF THIS COUNTRY.

REMIND YOU NOT TO FORGET THE
NEEDY PEOPLE OF THIS COUNTRY.
UNFORTUNATELY THE POOR AND THE

NEEDY PEOPLE OF THIS COUNTRY.
UNFORTUNATELY THE POOR AND THE
NEEDY... THE HOLIDAYS CAN BE A

UNFORTUNATELY THE POOR AND THE
NEEDY... THE HOLIDAYS CAN BE A
SAD AND UNHAPPY TIME FOR THESE

NEEDY... THE HOLIDAYS CAN BE A
SAD AND UNHAPPY TIME FOR THESE
PEOPLE.

SAD AND UNHAPPY TIME FOR THESE
PEOPLE.
OF COURSE, IT CAN BE A SAD AND

PEOPLE.
OF COURSE, IT CAN BE A SAD AND
UNHAPPY TIME EVEN IF YOU'RE NOT

OF COURSE, IT CAN BE A SAD AND
UNHAPPY TIME EVEN IF YOU'RE NOT
POOR OR NEEDY.

UNHAPPY TIME EVEN IF YOU'RE NOT
POOR OR NEEDY.
I MEAN, I REMEMBER ONE CHRISTMAS

POOR OR NEEDY.
I MEAN, I REMEMBER ONE CHRISTMAS
I WAS HOPING TO GET A PONY, YOU

I MEAN, I REMEMBER ONE CHRISTMAS
I WAS HOPING TO GET A PONY, YOU
KNOW.

I WAS HOPING TO GET A PONY, YOU
KNOW.
AND I WOKE UP THAT CHRISTMAS

KNOW.
AND I WOKE UP THAT CHRISTMAS
MORNING.

AND I WOKE UP THAT CHRISTMAS
MORNING.
ALL I GOT WAS A SWEATER THAT

MORNING.
ALL I GOT WAS A SWEATER THAT
DIDN'T FIT, SO I HAD TO GIVE IT

ALL I GOT WAS A SWEATER THAT
DIDN'T FIT, SO I HAD TO GIVE IT
TO MY LITTLE BROTHER.

DIDN'T FIT, SO I HAD TO GIVE IT
TO MY LITTLE BROTHER.
NICE CHRISTMAS, HUH?

TO MY LITTLE BROTHER.
NICE CHRISTMAS, HUH?
ANOTHER TIME I WAS IN COLLEGE.

NICE CHRISTMAS, HUH?
ANOTHER TIME I WAS IN COLLEGE.
YOU KNOW, I HAD TO DO A TERM

ANOTHER TIME I WAS IN COLLEGE.
YOU KNOW, I HAD TO DO A TERM
PAPER.

YOU KNOW, I HAD TO DO A TERM
PAPER.
SO I HAD TO STAY AT SCHOOL, YOU

PAPER.
SO I HAD TO STAY AT SCHOOL, YOU
KNOW, OVER THE HOLIDAYS.

SO I HAD TO STAY AT SCHOOL, YOU
KNOW, OVER THE HOLIDAYS.
THEY TURNED THE HEAT OFF BECAUSE

KNOW, OVER THE HOLIDAYS.
THEY TURNED THE HEAT OFF BECAUSE
NOBODY WAS THERE EXCEPT ME AND

THEY TURNED THE HEAT OFF BECAUSE
NOBODY WAS THERE EXCEPT ME AND
MY FRIEND STEVE BUSHAKAS, YOU

NOBODY WAS THERE EXCEPT ME AND
MY FRIEND STEVE BUSHAKAS, YOU
KNOW.

MY FRIEND STEVE BUSHAKAS, YOU
KNOW.
SO, WHAT HAPPENS?

KNOW.
SO, WHAT HAPPENS?
HE ROLLS A JOINT.

SO, WHAT HAPPENS?
HE ROLLS A JOINT.
I ROLL A JOINT.

HE ROLLS A JOINT.
I ROLL A JOINT.
AND WE EXCHANGE THEM.

I ROLL A JOINT.
AND WE EXCHANGE THEM.
IT WAS THE SAME DOPE.

AND WE EXCHANGE THEM.
IT WAS THE SAME DOPE.
WE SPLIT THE LID.

IT WAS THE SAME DOPE.
WE SPLIT THE LID.
THAT WAS THE PRESENT.

WE SPLIT THE LID.
THAT WAS THE PRESENT.
NOW, THAT'S PRETTY SAD.

THAT WAS THE PRESENT.
NOW, THAT'S PRETTY SAD.
IN FACT, MOST OF MY HOLIDAYS,

NOW, THAT'S PRETTY SAD.
IN FACT, MOST OF MY HOLIDAYS,
YOU KNOW, THEY'VE BEEN PRETTY

IN FACT, MOST OF MY HOLIDAYS,
YOU KNOW, THEY'VE BEEN PRETTY
SAD.

YOU KNOW, THEY'VE BEEN PRETTY
SAD.
YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE

SAD.
YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE
EXPERIENCE SEVERE DEPRESSION AND

YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE
EXPERIENCE SEVERE DEPRESSION AND
SUICIDE DURING THE HOLIDAYS...

EXPERIENCE SEVERE DEPRESSION AND
SUICIDE DURING THE HOLIDAYS...
BECAUSE THEY'RE FORCED TO SPEND

SUICIDE DURING THE HOLIDAYS...
BECAUSE THEY'RE FORCED TO SPEND
TIME WITH THEIR FAMILIES?

BECAUSE THEY'RE FORCED TO SPEND
TIME WITH THEIR FAMILIES?
THEY'RE FORCED TO GO CHRISTMAS

TIME WITH THEIR FAMILIES?
THEY'RE FORCED TO GO CHRISTMAS
SHOPPING.

THEY'RE FORCED TO GO CHRISTMAS
SHOPPING.
I HATE SHOPPING.

SHOPPING.
I HATE SHOPPING.
YOU'LL RUN AROUND.

I HATE SHOPPING.
YOU'LL RUN AROUND.
YOU'RE TRYING TO FIND SOMETHING

YOU'LL RUN AROUND.
YOU'RE TRYING TO FIND SOMETHING
FOR SOMEBODY YOU DON'T LIKE.

YOU'RE TRYING TO FIND SOMETHING
FOR SOMEBODY YOU DON'T LIKE.
YOU END UP BUYING HIM A

FOR SOMEBODY YOU DON'T LIKE.
YOU END UP BUYING HIM A
CANDLEHOLDER OR SOMETHING, YOU

YOU END UP BUYING HIM A
CANDLEHOLDER OR SOMETHING, YOU
KNOW.

CANDLEHOLDER OR SOMETHING, YOU
KNOW.
AND YOU'RE FORCED TO GO OUT AND

KNOW.
AND YOU'RE FORCED TO GO OUT AND
BUY A TREE, PUT IT IN YOUR

AND YOU'RE FORCED TO GO OUT AND
BUY A TREE, PUT IT IN YOUR
LIVING ROOM, YOU KNOW.

BUY A TREE, PUT IT IN YOUR
LIVING ROOM, YOU KNOW.
THERE'S NO ROOM FOR THE TV.

LIVING ROOM, YOU KNOW.
THERE'S NO ROOM FOR THE TV.
YOU CARRY IT IN, AND IT NEVER

THERE'S NO ROOM FOR THE TV.
YOU CARRY IT IN, AND IT NEVER
FITS.

YOU CARRY IT IN, AND IT NEVER
FITS.
AND YOU GET THE SAP ALL OVER

FITS.
AND YOU GET THE SAP ALL OVER
YOU, AND IT STICKS ALL OVER YOU.

AND YOU GET THE SAP ALL OVER
YOU, AND IT STICKS ALL OVER YOU.
YOU KNOW, THIS DUMB BUSH IS A

YOU, AND IT STICKS ALL OVER YOU.
YOU KNOW, THIS DUMB BUSH IS A
FIRE HAZARD.

YOU KNOW, THIS DUMB BUSH IS A
FIRE HAZARD.
AND AFTER THREE MONTHS OF, YOU

FIRE HAZARD.
AND AFTER THREE MONTHS OF, YOU
KNOW, PREPARATION AND PLANNING

AND AFTER THREE MONTHS OF, YOU
KNOW, PREPARATION AND PLANNING
AND WAITING FOR YOUR PRESENTS,

KNOW, PREPARATION AND PLANNING
AND WAITING FOR YOUR PRESENTS,
AND, ZIP, IT'S OVER.

AND WAITING FOR YOUR PRESENTS,
AND, ZIP, IT'S OVER.
20 MINUTES.

AND, ZIP, IT'S OVER.
20 MINUTES.
YOU SEE IT.

20 MINUTES.
YOU SEE IT.
OKAY, BIG DEAL.

YOU SEE IT.
OKAY, BIG DEAL.
IT'S OVER.

OKAY, BIG DEAL.
IT'S OVER.
AND THE KIDS DON'T LIKE THEIR

IT'S OVER.
AND THE KIDS DON'T LIKE THEIR
GIFTS, SO THEY FEEL BAD.

AND THE KIDS DON'T LIKE THEIR
GIFTS, SO THEY FEEL BAD.
THE PARENTS FEEL WORSE 'CAUSE

GIFTS, SO THEY FEEL BAD.
THE PARENTS FEEL WORSE 'CAUSE
THEY COULDN'T AFFORD FOR THE

THE PARENTS FEEL WORSE 'CAUSE
THEY COULDN'T AFFORD FOR THE
PONY, YOU KNOW.

THEY COULDN'T AFFORD FOR THE
PONY, YOU KNOW.
SO, THEN THERE'S TENSION.

PONY, YOU KNOW.
SO, THEN THERE'S TENSION.
THEN SOMEBODY SAYS SOMETHING

SO, THEN THERE'S TENSION.
THEN SOMEBODY SAYS SOMETHING
WRONG, AND SOMEBODY PULLS OUT A

THEN SOMEBODY SAYS SOMETHING
WRONG, AND SOMEBODY PULLS OUT A
SHOTGUN, AND POW-A-HAY!

WRONG, AND SOMEBODY PULLS OUT A
SHOTGUN, AND POW-A-HAY!
HE BLOWS THE WHOLE FAMILY AWAY.

SHOTGUN, AND POW-A-HAY!
HE BLOWS THE WHOLE FAMILY AWAY.
NO WONDER PEOPLE GET DEPRESSED.

HE BLOWS THE WHOLE FAMILY AWAY.
NO WONDER PEOPLE GET DEPRESSED.
JOHN, WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO

NO WONDER PEOPLE GET DEPRESSED.
JOHN, WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO
DO WITH WHAT TRYING TO...

JOHN, WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO
DO WITH WHAT TRYING TO...
JUST BACK OFF, ANCHORPERSON,

DO WITH WHAT TRYING TO...
JUST BACK OFF, ANCHORPERSON,
OKAY?

JUST BACK OFF, ANCHORPERSON,
OKAY?
OKAY.

OKAY?
OKAY.
AND WHAT ABOUT LAST

OKAY.
AND WHAT ABOUT LAST
THANKSGIVING, HUH?

AND WHAT ABOUT LAST
THANKSGIVING, HUH?
LET'S TAKE THANKSGIVING, HUH?

THANKSGIVING, HUH?
LET'S TAKE THANKSGIVING, HUH?
YOU HAVE THANKSGIVING.

LET'S TAKE THANKSGIVING, HUH?
YOU HAVE THANKSGIVING.
BIG FAMILY DINNER, HUH?

YOU HAVE THANKSGIVING.
BIG FAMILY DINNER, HUH?
HA!

BIG FAMILY DINNER, HUH?
HA!
AAH!

HA!
AAH!
I HAD THANKSGIVING DINNER...

AAH!
I HAD THANKSGIVING DINNER...
ROOM SERVICE AT A SLEAZY HOTEL

I HAD THANKSGIVING DINNER...
ROOM SERVICE AT A SLEAZY HOTEL
IN L.A.

ROOM SERVICE AT A SLEAZY HOTEL
IN L.A.
SURE, I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE

IN L.A.
SURE, I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE
TURKEY, YOU KNOW, AND STUFFING

SURE, I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE
TURKEY, YOU KNOW, AND STUFFING
AND MASHED POTATOES, CANDIED

TURKEY, YOU KNOW, AND STUFFING
AND MASHED POTATOES, CANDIED
YAM, CRANBERRY SAUCE, A COUPLE

AND MASHED POTATOES, CANDIED
YAM, CRANBERRY SAUCE, A COUPLE
OF PIECES OF PUMPKIN PIE, YOU

YAM, CRANBERRY SAUCE, A COUPLE
OF PIECES OF PUMPKIN PIE, YOU
KNOW.

OF PIECES OF PUMPKIN PIE, YOU
KNOW.
YOU KNOW, AND MAYBE A SECOND

KNOW.
YOU KNOW, AND MAYBE A SECOND
HELPING OF TURKEY AND STUFFING

YOU KNOW, AND MAYBE A SECOND
HELPING OF TURKEY AND STUFFING
AND POTATOES AND YAM AND

HELPING OF TURKEY AND STUFFING
AND POTATOES AND YAM AND
CRANBERRY SAUCE AND PUMPKIN PIE,

AND POTATOES AND YAM AND
CRANBERRY SAUCE AND PUMPKIN PIE,
JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.

CRANBERRY SAUCE AND PUMPKIN PIE,
JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.
BUT N-O-O-O-O!

JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.
BUT N-O-O-O-O!
N-O-O-O-O!

BUT N-O-O-O-O!
N-O-O-O-O!
I HAD A VEAL CUTLET FROM ROOM

N-O-O-O-O!
I HAD A VEAL CUTLET FROM ROOM
SERVICE.

I HAD A VEAL CUTLET FROM ROOM
SERVICE.
AND IT WAS COLD.

SERVICE.
AND IT WAS COLD.
I HATE THE HOLIDAYS!

AND IT WAS COLD.
I HATE THE HOLIDAYS!
I HATE IT!

I HATE THE HOLIDAYS!
I HATE IT!
I HATE GROUNDHOG DAY.

I HATE IT!
I HATE GROUNDHOG DAY.
I HATE EVERY ONE OF THEM.

I HATE GROUNDHOG DAY.
I HATE EVERY ONE OF THEM.
AND DON'T EXPECT ANY CARDS FROM

I HATE EVERY ONE OF THEM.
AND DON'T EXPECT ANY CARDS FROM
ME.

AND DON'T EXPECT ANY CARDS FROM
ME.
AND GIFTS... YOU WANT GIFTS?

ME.
AND GIFTS... YOU WANT GIFTS?
I'M GONNA GIVE YOU A VEAL

AND GIFTS... YOU WANT GIFTS?
I'M GONNA GIVE YOU A VEAL
CUTLET.

I'M GONNA GIVE YOU A VEAL
CUTLET.
YEAH, THAT'S IT.

CUTLET.
YEAH, THAT'S IT.
I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT AN UNHAPPY

YEAH, THAT'S IT.
I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT AN UNHAPPY
HOLIDAY IS.

I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT AN UNHAPPY
HOLIDAY IS.
VEAL CUTLETS AND NO PONY.

HOLIDAY IS.
VEAL CUTLETS AND NO PONY.
AND I HOPE YOUR SWEATERS DON'T

VEAL CUTLETS AND NO PONY.
AND I HOPE YOUR SWEATERS DON'T
FIT, EITHER.

AND I HOPE YOUR SWEATERS DON'T
FIT, EITHER.
WHY CAN'T I HAVE A PONY?

FIT, EITHER.
WHY CAN'T I HAVE A PONY?
I COULD TAKE CARE OF A PONY.

WHY CAN'T I HAVE A PONY?
I COULD TAKE CARE OF A PONY.
I KNOW I COULD.

I COULD TAKE CARE OF A PONY.
I KNOW I COULD.
I COULD FEED IT.

I KNOW I COULD.
I COULD FEED IT.
I COULD BRUSH IT.

I COULD FEED IT.
I COULD BRUSH IT.
I COULD CLEAN IT, YOU KNOW, IN

I COULD BRUSH IT.
I COULD CLEAN IT, YOU KNOW, IN
ITS STALL EVERY DAY.

I COULD CLEAN IT, YOU KNOW, IN
ITS STALL EVERY DAY.
IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?

ITS STALL EVERY DAY.
IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?
YOU KNOW, JUST A LOUSY PONY,

IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?
YOU KNOW, JUST A LOUSY PONY,
THAT'S ALL.

YOU KNOW, JUST A LOUSY PONY,
THAT'S ALL.
IF I CAN'T HAVE A PONY, I WANT A

THAT'S ALL.
IF I CAN'T HAVE A PONY, I WANT A
SHOTGUN!

IF I CAN'T HAVE A PONY, I WANT A
SHOTGUN!
YEAH!

SHOTGUN!
YEAH!
I WANT A SHOTGUN, 'CAUSE THEN

YEAH!
I WANT A SHOTGUN, 'CAUSE THEN
I'D TAKE MY LITTLE SHOTGUN, AND

I WANT A SHOTGUN, 'CAUSE THEN
I'D TAKE MY LITTLE SHOTGUN, AND
THEN WHEN THE FAMILIES GET

I'D TAKE MY LITTLE SHOTGUN, AND
THEN WHEN THE FAMILIES GET
TOGETHER WITH THEIR LOUSY

THEN WHEN THE FAMILIES GET
TOGETHER WITH THEIR LOUSY
SWEATERS AND THEIR

TOGETHER WITH THEIR LOUSY
SWEATERS AND THEIR
CANDLEHOLDERS, AND IF ANYBODY

SWEATERS AND THEIR
CANDLEHOLDERS, AND IF ANYBODY
EVEN MENTIONS MY PONY...

CANDLEHOLDERS, AND IF ANYBODY
EVEN MENTIONS MY PONY...
[SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY]

THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT.
AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW.

[TYPEWRITER KEYS CLACKING]

"DEAR... SENATOR THURMOND...
AS A LIFETIME RESIDENT OF
SOUTH CAROLINA, I WOULD JUST

AS A LIFETIME RESIDENT OF
SOUTH CAROLINA, I WOULD JUST
LIKE TO TELL YOU CONGRATULATIONS

SOUTH CAROLINA, I WOULD JUST
LIKE TO TELL YOU CONGRATULATIONS
ON YOUR REELECTION, AND I WOULD

LIKE TO TELL YOU CONGRATULATIONS
ON YOUR REELECTION, AND I WOULD
LIKE TO INFORM YOU ON SOME OF

ON YOUR REELECTION, AND I WOULD
LIKE TO INFORM YOU ON SOME OF
THE ISSUES THAT ARE ON THE MINDS

LIKE TO INFORM YOU ON SOME OF
THE ISSUES THAT ARE ON THE MINDS
OF THE VOTERS OF CHARLESTON.

THE ISSUES THAT ARE ON THE MINDS
OF THE VOTERS OF CHARLESTON.
ONE PARTICULAR ISSUE... THE

OF THE VOTERS OF CHARLESTON.
ONE PARTICULAR ISSUE... THE
REPEAL OF THE 22nd AMENDMENT,

ONE PARTICULAR ISSUE... THE
REPEAL OF THE 22nd AMENDMENT,
WHICH PROHIBITS A MAN FROM

REPEAL OF THE 22nd AMENDMENT,
WHICH PROHIBITS A MAN FROM
BECOMING PRESIDENT MORE THAN

WHICH PROHIBITS A MAN FROM
BECOMING PRESIDENT MORE THAN
TWICE.

BECOMING PRESIDENT MORE THAN
TWICE.
SINCERELY..."

"EILEEN FOLEY."

ALL RIGHT, NOW.
"DEAR SENATOR TOWER...
AS A LIFETIME RESIDENT OF

"DEAR SENATOR TOWER...
AS A LIFETIME RESIDENT OF
TEXAS..."

AS A LIFETIME RESIDENT OF
TEXAS..."
[INTERCOM BUZZES]

TEXAS..."
[INTERCOM BUZZES]
YES?

[INTERCOM BUZZES]
YES?
MR. EX-PRESIDENT?

YES?
MR. EX-PRESIDENT?
ERNIE IS HERE TO SEE YOU.

MR. EX-PRESIDENT?
ERNIE IS HERE TO SEE YOU.
ERNIE?

ERNIE IS HERE TO SEE YOU.
ERNIE?
UH, GREAT.

ERNIE?
UH, GREAT.
SEND HIM IN, WOULD YOU?

UH, GREAT.
SEND HIM IN, WOULD YOU?
AND NO INTERRUPTIONS, PLEASE.

MR. PRESIDENT.
HELLO, ERNIE.
WELL, I TELL YOU, SIR, GREAT

HELLO, ERNIE.
WELL, I TELL YOU, SIR, GREAT
TRIP TO EUROPE.

WELL, I TELL YOU, SIR, GREAT
TRIP TO EUROPE.
YES, YOU WERE RIGHT.

TRIP TO EUROPE.
YES, YOU WERE RIGHT.
THEY LOVE ME IN FRANCE.

YES, YOU WERE RIGHT.
THEY LOVE ME IN FRANCE.
ME AND JERRY LEWIS.

THEY LOVE ME IN FRANCE.
ME AND JERRY LEWIS.
AND, YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS THOUGHT

ME AND JERRY LEWIS.
AND, YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS THOUGHT
JERRY LEWIS WAS FUNNIER THAN

AND, YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS THOUGHT
JERRY LEWIS WAS FUNNIER THAN
DEAN MARTIN.

JERRY LEWIS WAS FUNNIER THAN
DEAN MARTIN.
YEAH.

DEAN MARTIN.
YEAH.
"THE BELLHOP."

YEAH.
"THE BELLHOP."
"THE CADDY."

"THE BELLHOP."
"THE CADDY."
"THE DISORDERLY ORDERLY."

"THE CADDY."
"THE DISORDERLY ORDERLY."
MM-HMM.

"THE DISORDERLY ORDERLY."
MM-HMM.
"THE DISORDERLY ORDERLY."

MM-HMM.
"THE DISORDERLY ORDERLY."
DAMN IT, ERNIE.

"THE DISORDERLY ORDERLY."
DAMN IT, ERNIE.
I'M AS IMPRESSED AS HELL WITH

DAMN IT, ERNIE.
I'M AS IMPRESSED AS HELL WITH
YOU, YOU KNOW.

I'M AS IMPRESSED AS HELL WITH
YOU, YOU KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE SO

YOU, YOU KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE SO
SURPRISED, SIR.

I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE SO
SURPRISED, SIR.
I NEVER LET YOU DOWN IN THE

SURPRISED, SIR.
I NEVER LET YOU DOWN IN THE
PAST.

I NEVER LET YOU DOWN IN THE
PAST.
YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW, I DON'T

PAST.
YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW, I DON'T
RESPECT ANYBODY IN THE WORLD

YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW, I DON'T
RESPECT ANYBODY IN THE WORLD
MORE THAN I DO YOU.

RESPECT ANYBODY IN THE WORLD
MORE THAN I DO YOU.
I MEAN, YOU PULLED OFF ONE OF

MORE THAN I DO YOU.
I MEAN, YOU PULLED OFF ONE OF
THE GREATEST ACHIEVEMENTS IN THE

I MEAN, YOU PULLED OFF ONE OF
THE GREATEST ACHIEVEMENTS IN THE
HISTORY OF MANKIND.

THE GREATEST ACHIEVEMENTS IN THE
HISTORY OF MANKIND.
AND NOBODY'S EVER GONNA KNOW

HISTORY OF MANKIND.
AND NOBODY'S EVER GONNA KNOW
ABOUT IT.

AND NOBODY'S EVER GONNA KNOW
ABOUT IT.
YOU WERE THE ONLY ONE WHO DIDN'T

ABOUT IT.
YOU WERE THE ONLY ONE WHO DIDN'T
GET CAUGHT.

YOU WERE THE ONLY ONE WHO DIDN'T
GET CAUGHT.
YOU WERE THERE FOR EVERYTHING,

GET CAUGHT.
YOU WERE THERE FOR EVERYTHING,
AT ALL THE MEETINGS.

YOU WERE THERE FOR EVERYTHING,
AT ALL THE MEETINGS.
AND YOUR NAME NEVER EVEN CAME

AT ALL THE MEETINGS.
AND YOUR NAME NEVER EVEN CAME
UP.

AND YOUR NAME NEVER EVEN CAME
UP.
YOU WERE THE ONE WHO INSTIGATED

UP.
YOU WERE THE ONE WHO INSTIGATED
THE RIOTS IN CHICAGO IN '68.

YOU WERE THE ONE WHO INSTIGATED
THE RIOTS IN CHICAGO IN '68.
YOU PUT THE QUAALUDE IN

THE RIOTS IN CHICAGO IN '68.
YOU PUT THE QUAALUDE IN
TED KENNEDY'S DRINK AT

YOU PUT THE QUAALUDE IN
TED KENNEDY'S DRINK AT
CHAPPAQUIDDICK.

TED KENNEDY'S DRINK AT
CHAPPAQUIDDICK.
YOU POISONED MAMA CASS.

CHAPPAQUIDDICK.
YOU POISONED MAMA CASS.
AND YET NO ONE KNOWS YOUR NAME

YOU POISONED MAMA CASS.
AND YET NO ONE KNOWS YOUR NAME
OR YOUR FACE.

AND YET NO ONE KNOWS YOUR NAME
OR YOUR FACE.
WELL, SIR, I'M GOOD AT WHAT I

OR YOUR FACE.
WELL, SIR, I'M GOOD AT WHAT I
DO.

WELL, SIR, I'M GOOD AT WHAT I
DO.
LET'S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS.

DO.
LET'S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS.
ALL RIGHT.

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT THERE, ERNIE?
MR. PRESIDENT, I'VE GOT SOME
BUMPER STICKERS PRINTED UP.

MR. PRESIDENT, I'VE GOT SOME
BUMPER STICKERS PRINTED UP.
OH, GOOD.

BUMPER STICKERS PRINTED UP.
OH, GOOD.
LET ME SEE THEM.

OH, GOOD.
LET ME SEE THEM.
NOW, YOU REMEMBER THIS WAS

LET ME SEE THEM.
NOW, YOU REMEMBER THIS WAS
THE SLOGAN YOU LIKED.

NOW, YOU REMEMBER THIS WAS
THE SLOGAN YOU LIKED.
"CAN A COUNTRY REALLY BE FREE IF

THE SLOGAN YOU LIKED.
"CAN A COUNTRY REALLY BE FREE IF
A MAN CAN ONLY BE PRESIDENT

"CAN A COUNTRY REALLY BE FREE IF
A MAN CAN ONLY BE PRESIDENT
TWICE?"

A MAN CAN ONLY BE PRESIDENT
TWICE?"
IT'S A LITTLE TOO BUSY.

TWICE?"
IT'S A LITTLE TOO BUSY.
RIGHT.

IT'S A LITTLE TOO BUSY.
RIGHT.
I AGREE.

RIGHT.
I AGREE.
HOW ABOUT THIS ONE?

"TANNED, RESTED, AND READY."
YEAH.
THAT'S NICE.

YEAH.
THAT'S NICE.
THAT'S VERY NICE.

THAT'S NICE.
THAT'S VERY NICE.
BUT WHERE'S THE ONE I THOUGHT

THAT'S VERY NICE.
BUT WHERE'S THE ONE I THOUGHT
OF?

HERE, SIR.
"THE NEW DICK."
YOU SEE, "THE NEW DICK."

"THE NEW DICK."
YOU SEE, "THE NEW DICK."
IT'S SHORT.

YOU SEE, "THE NEW DICK."
IT'S SHORT.
IT'S SWEET.

IT'S SHORT.
IT'S SWEET.
IT'S WHAT EVERYONE WANTS TO SEE.

IT'S SWEET.
IT'S WHAT EVERYONE WANTS TO SEE.
EXACTLY, SIR.

IT'S WHAT EVERYONE WANTS TO SEE.
EXACTLY, SIR.
ALL RIGHT.

EXACTLY, SIR.
ALL RIGHT.
WE GO WITH "THE NEW DICK."

ALL RIGHT.
WE GO WITH "THE NEW DICK."
ALL RIGHT.

WE GO WITH "THE NEW DICK."
ALL RIGHT.
LET'S DO IT.

ALL RIGHT.
LET'S DO IT.
NOW LET'S TALK GAME PLAN.

LET'S DO IT.
NOW LET'S TALK GAME PLAN.
NOW, THE WAY I FIGURE IT, IN

NOW LET'S TALK GAME PLAN.
NOW, THE WAY I FIGURE IT, IN
ORDER FOR ME TO HAVE ANY CHANCE

NOW, THE WAY I FIGURE IT, IN
ORDER FOR ME TO HAVE ANY CHANCE
AT ALL, THINGS HAVE GOT TO HIT

ORDER FOR ME TO HAVE ANY CHANCE
AT ALL, THINGS HAVE GOT TO HIT
ROCK BOTTOM.

AT ALL, THINGS HAVE GOT TO HIT
ROCK BOTTOM.
FIRST, THE ECONOMY.

ROCK BOTTOM.
FIRST, THE ECONOMY.
ALL IT NEEDS IS A LITTLE PUSH,

FIRST, THE ECONOMY.
ALL IT NEEDS IS A LITTLE PUSH,
AND IT'S RIGHT IN THE DUMPER.

ALL IT NEEDS IS A LITTLE PUSH,
AND IT'S RIGHT IN THE DUMPER.
BUT WHAT?

AND IT'S RIGHT IN THE DUMPER.
BUT WHAT?
WHAT DO WE DO?

BUT WHAT?
WHAT DO WE DO?
WELL, SIR, YOU'VE GOT FRIENDS

WHAT DO WE DO?
WELL, SIR, YOU'VE GOT FRIENDS
IN LABOR.

WELL, SIR, YOU'VE GOT FRIENDS
IN LABOR.
TELL THE TEAMSTERS TO ASK FOR A

IN LABOR.
TELL THE TEAMSTERS TO ASK FOR A
12%, 15% PAY HIKE.

TELL THE TEAMSTERS TO ASK FOR A
12%, 15% PAY HIKE.
YEAH.

12%, 15% PAY HIKE.
YEAH.
THEY'LL GO FOR THAT.

YEAH.
THEY'LL GO FOR THAT.
THAT WILL JUSTIFY PRICE

THEY'LL GO FOR THAT.
THAT WILL JUSTIFY PRICE
INCREASES, AND INFLATION WILL

THAT WILL JUSTIFY PRICE
INCREASES, AND INFLATION WILL
GET OUT OF HAND.

INCREASES, AND INFLATION WILL
GET OUT OF HAND.
GREAT.

GET OUT OF HAND.
GREAT.
BUT I REALLY FEEL, SIR, THAT

GREAT.
BUT I REALLY FEEL, SIR, THAT
YOUR STRONG SUIT IS FOREIGN

BUT I REALLY FEEL, SIR, THAT
YOUR STRONG SUIT IS FOREIGN
POLICY.

YOUR STRONG SUIT IS FOREIGN
POLICY.
OH, CHINA?

POLICY.
OH, CHINA?
RUSSIA?

OH, CHINA?
RUSSIA?
YEAH, RIGHT.

RUSSIA?
YEAH, RIGHT.
NOW, IF WE CAN MAKE CARTER

YEAH, RIGHT.
NOW, IF WE CAN MAKE CARTER
VULNERABLE IN THIS AREA...

NOW, IF WE CAN MAKE CARTER
VULNERABLE IN THIS AREA...
BUT HE'S GOT THE DAMN

VULNERABLE IN THIS AREA...
BUT HE'S GOT THE DAMN
CAMP DAVID THING.

BUT HE'S GOT THE DAMN
CAMP DAVID THING.
EXACTLY.

CAMP DAVID THING.
EXACTLY.
IF WE COULD JUST THROW A FEW

EXACTLY.
IF WE COULD JUST THROW A FEW
DINGLEBERRIES INTO THAT PUNCH

IF WE COULD JUST THROW A FEW
DINGLEBERRIES INTO THAT PUNCH
BOWL...

DINGLEBERRIES INTO THAT PUNCH
BOWL...
I GET YOU.

BOWL...
I GET YOU.
HOW'S THIS, ERNIE?

I GET YOU.
HOW'S THIS, ERNIE?
WE GET PICTURES OF SADAT HAVING

HOW'S THIS, ERNIE?
WE GET PICTURES OF SADAT HAVING
SEX WITH A JEWISH GIRL.

WE GET PICTURES OF SADAT HAVING
SEX WITH A JEWISH GIRL.
ISN'T HARD TO DO.

SEX WITH A JEWISH GIRL.
ISN'T HARD TO DO.
RIGHT.

ISN'T HARD TO DO.
RIGHT.
THEN IN ARABIC, YOU CAPTION

RIGHT.
THEN IN ARABIC, YOU CAPTION
THE PICTURE "JEW LOVER" AND POST

THEN IN ARABIC, YOU CAPTION
THE PICTURE "JEW LOVER" AND POST
IT ALL OVER ARABIA... GAZA, THE

THE PICTURE "JEW LOVER" AND POST
IT ALL OVER ARABIA... GAZA, THE
WEST BANK, JORDAN.

IT ALL OVER ARABIA... GAZA, THE
WEST BANK, JORDAN.
YOU FOLLOW ME, ERNIE?

WEST BANK, JORDAN.
YOU FOLLOW ME, ERNIE?
JEW LOVER.

YOU FOLLOW ME, ERNIE?
JEW LOVER.
I LOVE IT.

JEW LOVER.
I LOVE IT.
JEW LOVER.

I LOVE IT.
JEW LOVER.
YEAH, OKAY.

JEW LOVER.
YEAH, OKAY.
"JEW LOVER" KNOCKS OUT

YEAH, OKAY.
"JEW LOVER" KNOCKS OUT
CAMP DAVID.

"JEW LOVER" KNOCKS OUT
CAMP DAVID.
CARTER'S OUT OF THE BALL GAME.

CAMP DAVID.
CARTER'S OUT OF THE BALL GAME.
BUT AFTER WE REPEAL THE 22nd

CARTER'S OUT OF THE BALL GAME.
BUT AFTER WE REPEAL THE 22nd
AMENDMENT, HOW CAN WE GET THE

BUT AFTER WE REPEAL THE 22nd
AMENDMENT, HOW CAN WE GET THE
NOMINATION?

AMENDMENT, HOW CAN WE GET THE
NOMINATION?
I THINK I KNOW HOW TO GET

NOMINATION?
I THINK I KNOW HOW TO GET
FORD'S SUPPORT.

I THINK I KNOW HOW TO GET
FORD'S SUPPORT.
FORD?

FORD'S SUPPORT.
FORD?
HOW?

FORD?
HOW?
GIVE HIM A PLACE ON THE

HOW?
GIVE HIM A PLACE ON THE
TICKET.

GIVE HIM A PLACE ON THE
TICKET.
VICE PRESIDENT?

TICKET.
VICE PRESIDENT?
RIGHT.

VICE PRESIDENT?
RIGHT.
NIXON-FORD, AND I HAVE THE

RIGHT.
NIXON-FORD, AND I HAVE THE
SLOGAN.

NIXON-FORD, AND I HAVE THE
SLOGAN.
"THE PRESIDENTS FOR PRESIDENT

SLOGAN.
"THE PRESIDENTS FOR PRESIDENT
AND VICE PRESIDENT."

"THE PRESIDENTS FOR PRESIDENT
AND VICE PRESIDENT."
THAT'S GREAT, ERNIE.

AND VICE PRESIDENT."
THAT'S GREAT, ERNIE.
GREAT.

THAT'S GREAT, ERNIE.
GREAT.
YOU KNOW, I CAN JUST FEEL IT.

GREAT.
YOU KNOW, I CAN JUST FEEL IT.
I'M GONNA WIN.

YOU KNOW, I CAN JUST FEEL IT.
I'M GONNA WIN.
I'M GONNA DO IT.

I'M GONNA WIN.
I'M GONNA DO IT.
I BETTER TELL THE FAMILY NOW.

I'M GONNA DO IT.
I BETTER TELL THE FAMILY NOW.
ATTENTION, ALL UNITS.

I BETTER TELL THE FAMILY NOW.
ATTENTION, ALL UNITS.
ATTENTION, ALL UNITS.

ATTENTION, ALL UNITS.
ATTENTION, ALL UNITS.
REPORT TO ME AT ONCE IN THE

ATTENTION, ALL UNITS.
REPORT TO ME AT ONCE IN THE
OVAL...

REPORT TO ME AT ONCE IN THE
OVAL...
IN MY OFFICE.

OVAL...
IN MY OFFICE.
YOU BETTER GET OUT OF HERE

IN MY OFFICE.
YOU BETTER GET OUT OF HERE
BEFORE THEY COME.

YOU BETTER GET OUT OF HERE
BEFORE THEY COME.
THEY'RE THE BIGGEST BUNCH OF

BEFORE THEY COME.
THEY'RE THE BIGGEST BUNCH OF
LEAKS YOU'VE EVER SEEN.

THEY'RE THE BIGGEST BUNCH OF
LEAKS YOU'VE EVER SEEN.
OKAY, I'LL GO OUT THE BACK

LEAKS YOU'VE EVER SEEN.
OKAY, I'LL GO OUT THE BACK
WAY.

OKAY, I'LL GO OUT THE BACK
WAY.
I'LL CALL YOU TONIGHT.

WAY.
I'LL CALL YOU TONIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.

I'LL CALL YOU TONIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
WHICH PHONE SHALL I RING?

ALL RIGHT.
WHICH PHONE SHALL I RING?
THE ONE IN MY BEDROOM.

WHICH PHONE SHALL I RING?
THE ONE IN MY BEDROOM.
PAT WON'T BE THERE.

THE ONE IN MY BEDROOM.
PAT WON'T BE THERE.
GOT YA.

PAT WON'T BE THERE.
GOT YA.
[DOOR CLOSES]

"THE REPEAL OF THE..."
[BELL DINGS]
"22nd...

[BELL DINGS]
"22nd...
AMENDMENT.

"22nd...
AMENDMENT.
SINCERELY..."

E.G. BUZICK.
"E.G. BUZICK."

JULIE, I HAVE AN ITCH.
OH, IT WON'T BE LONG, DAVID.
BUT IT'S A REAL BAD ONE.

OH, IT WON'T BE LONG, DAVID.
BUT IT'S A REAL BAD ONE.
HI, KIDS.

BUT IT'S A REAL BAD ONE.
HI, KIDS.
AND HOW'S MY LITTLE

HI, KIDS.
AND HOW'S MY LITTLE
GRANDDAUGHTER DOING?

AND HOW'S MY LITTLE
GRANDDAUGHTER DOING?
OH, SHE TAKES AFTER HER

GRANDDAUGHTER DOING?
OH, SHE TAKES AFTER HER
GRANDPA.

OH, SHE TAKES AFTER HER
GRANDPA.
SHE CRAWLS AND CRIES AND SWEATS

GRANDPA.
SHE CRAWLS AND CRIES AND SWEATS
FROM HER UPPER LIP.

SHE CRAWLS AND CRIES AND SWEATS
FROM HER UPPER LIP.
THAT'S CUTE.

FROM HER UPPER LIP.
THAT'S CUTE.
I HAD TO COME ALL THE WAY

THAT'S CUTE.
I HAD TO COME ALL THE WAY
FROM UPSTAIRS.

I HAD TO COME ALL THE WAY
FROM UPSTAIRS.
WHAT IS IT?

FROM UPSTAIRS.
WHAT IS IT?
TELL ME, EVERYBODY...

WHAT IS IT?
TELL ME, EVERYBODY...
IF YOU COULD WISH THE BIGGEST

TELL ME, EVERYBODY...
IF YOU COULD WISH THE BIGGEST
WISH FOR THE NIXON HOUSEHOLD,

IF YOU COULD WISH THE BIGGEST
WISH FOR THE NIXON HOUSEHOLD,
WHAT WOULD IT BE?

WISH FOR THE NIXON HOUSEHOLD,
WHAT WOULD IT BE?
DAVID, WHAT WOULD YOU WISH FOR?

WHAT WOULD IT BE?
DAVID, WHAT WOULD YOU WISH FOR?
GEE, I WOULD HAVE TO SAY A

DAVID, WHAT WOULD YOU WISH FOR?
GEE, I WOULD HAVE TO SAY A
CHOCOLATE-BAR FACTORY.

GEE, I WOULD HAVE TO SAY A
CHOCOLATE-BAR FACTORY.
GREAT.

CHOCOLATE-BAR FACTORY.
GREAT.
THAT'S REALLY THINKING BIG,

GREAT.
THAT'S REALLY THINKING BIG,
DAVID.

THAT'S REALLY THINKING BIG,
DAVID.
I DON'T KNOW.

DAVID.
I DON'T KNOW.
PEACE AND HAPPINESS FOR ALL MEN?

I DON'T KNOW.
PEACE AND HAPPINESS FOR ALL MEN?
AW, FORGET IT.

PEACE AND HAPPINESS FOR ALL MEN?
AW, FORGET IT.
PAT, WHAT WOULD YOU WISH FOR?

AW, FORGET IT.
PAT, WHAT WOULD YOU WISH FOR?
I JUST WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE.

PAT, WHAT WOULD YOU WISH FOR?
I JUST WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE.
YOU'RE A REAL FIREBALL, PAT.

I JUST WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE.
YOU'RE A REAL FIREBALL, PAT.
OKAY, JULIE.

YOU'RE A REAL FIREBALL, PAT.
OKAY, JULIE.
COME ON, GAL.

OKAY, JULIE.
COME ON, GAL.
NOW, WHAT WOULD YOU WISH FOR?

COME ON, GAL.
NOW, WHAT WOULD YOU WISH FOR?
I'D WISH THAT YOU COULD BE

NOW, WHAT WOULD YOU WISH FOR?
I'D WISH THAT YOU COULD BE
ELECTED PRESIDENT OF THE

I'D WISH THAT YOU COULD BE
ELECTED PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES AGAIN.

ELECTED PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES AGAIN.
RIGHT, PRINCESS.

UNITED STATES AGAIN.
RIGHT, PRINCESS.
I'M GONNA RUN.

RIGHT, PRINCESS.
I'M GONNA RUN.
I NEED A DRINK.

I'M GONNA RUN.
I NEED A DRINK.
BUT, DAD, THE 22nd AMENDMENT.

I NEED A DRINK.
BUT, DAD, THE 22nd AMENDMENT.
AMENDMENTS CAN BE REPEALED,

BUT, DAD, THE 22nd AMENDMENT.
AMENDMENTS CAN BE REPEALED,
YOU KNOW.

AMENDMENTS CAN BE REPEALED,
YOU KNOW.
THAT'S RIGHT, DAVID.

YOU KNOW.
THAT'S RIGHT, DAVID.
ALL WE NEED IS AN ACT OF

THAT'S RIGHT, DAVID.
ALL WE NEED IS AN ACT OF
CONGRESS AND 2/3 OF THE STATE

ALL WE NEED IS AN ACT OF
CONGRESS AND 2/3 OF THE STATE
LEGISLATURES.

CONGRESS AND 2/3 OF THE STATE
LEGISLATURES.
I JUST DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU

LEGISLATURES.
I JUST DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU
SUBJECTED TO THE ANGUISH OF

I JUST DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU
SUBJECTED TO THE ANGUISH OF
LOSING.

SUBJECTED TO THE ANGUISH OF
LOSING.
WELL, I DON'T INTEND TO LOSE,

LOSING.
WELL, I DON'T INTEND TO LOSE,
DAVID.

WELL, I DON'T INTEND TO LOSE,
DAVID.
HERE, LOOK AT THIS.

DAVID.
HERE, LOOK AT THIS.
I GOT A MILLION SLOGANS.

HERE, LOOK AT THIS.
I GOT A MILLION SLOGANS.
LOOK AT THIS ONE.

I GOT A MILLION SLOGANS.
LOOK AT THIS ONE.
"THE NEW DICK."

LOOK AT THIS ONE.
"THE NEW DICK."
ISN'T THAT NICE?

"THE NEW DICK."
ISN'T THAT NICE?
SHORT, SWEET, AND EVERYBODY

ISN'T THAT NICE?
SHORT, SWEET, AND EVERYBODY
WANTS TO SEE IT.

SHORT, SWEET, AND EVERYBODY
WANTS TO SEE IT.
IT'S SHORT AND SWEET, BUT I

WANTS TO SEE IT.
IT'S SHORT AND SWEET, BUT I
DON'T THINK EVERYBODY WANTS TO

IT'S SHORT AND SWEET, BUT I
DON'T THINK EVERYBODY WANTS TO
SEE IT.

DON'T THINK EVERYBODY WANTS TO
SEE IT.
GET OUT OF HERE!

SEE IT.
GET OUT OF HERE!
GET OUT!

GET OUT OF HERE!
GET OUT!
YOU, TOO.

GET OUT!
YOU, TOO.
GET OUT!

YOU, TOO.
GET OUT!
I NEED SUPPORT.

GET OUT!
I NEED SUPPORT.
I DON'T WANT PEOPLE WHO...

♪ I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR ♪
♪ IN NUMBERS TOO BIG TO IGNORE ♪
♪ AND I KNOW TOO MUCH... ♪

♪ IN NUMBERS TOO BIG TO IGNORE ♪
♪ AND I KNOW TOO MUCH... ♪
[LAUGHS]

♪ AND I KNOW TOO MUCH... ♪
[LAUGHS]
HELLO, AND WELCOME TO

[LAUGHS]
HELLO, AND WELCOME TO
"WOMAN TO WOMAN."

HELLO, AND WELCOME TO
"WOMAN TO WOMAN."
I'M CONNIE CARSON, A YOUNG

"WOMAN TO WOMAN."
I'M CONNIE CARSON, A YOUNG
CAREER WOMAN WHO'S MADE A CAREER

I'M CONNIE CARSON, A YOUNG
CAREER WOMAN WHO'S MADE A CAREER
OUT OF TALKING TO WOMEN ABOUT

CAREER WOMAN WHO'S MADE A CAREER
OUT OF TALKING TO WOMEN ABOUT
WOMEN AND THEIR CAREERS.

OUT OF TALKING TO WOMEN ABOUT
WOMEN AND THEIR CAREERS.
TODAY, I'M TALKING TO A TOP

WOMEN AND THEIR CAREERS.
TODAY, I'M TALKING TO A TOP
MODEL AND COVER GIRL WHOSE FACE

TODAY, I'M TALKING TO A TOP
MODEL AND COVER GIRL WHOSE FACE
HAS BEEN ON VOGUE, HARPERS,

MODEL AND COVER GIRL WHOSE FACE
HAS BEEN ON VOGUE, HARPERS,
BAZAAR, GLAMOUR, SEVENTEEN.

HAS BEEN ON VOGUE, HARPERS,
BAZAAR, GLAMOUR, SEVENTEEN.
YOU NAME IT.

BAZAAR, GLAMOUR, SEVENTEEN.
YOU NAME IT.
SHE'S BEEN ON IT.

YOU NAME IT.
SHE'S BEEN ON IT.
I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET

SHE'S BEEN ON IT.
I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET
VANESSA LAKE.

I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET
VANESSA LAKE.
VANESSA, HI.

VANESSA LAKE.
VANESSA, HI.
[LAUGHS]

VANESSA, HI.
[LAUGHS]
VANESSA, IN YOUR PROFESSION,

[LAUGHS]
VANESSA, IN YOUR PROFESSION,
YOUTH IS VERY IMPORTANT.

VANESSA, IN YOUR PROFESSION,
YOUTH IS VERY IMPORTANT.
DO YOU FEAR GROWING OLD?

YOUTH IS VERY IMPORTANT.
DO YOU FEAR GROWING OLD?
NO.

DO YOU FEAR GROWING OLD?
NO.
WELL, HOW OLD ARE YOU,

NO.
WELL, HOW OLD ARE YOU,
VANESSA?

WELL, HOW OLD ARE YOU,
VANESSA?
17.

VANESSA?
17.
AND TELL ME SOMETHING.

17.
AND TELL ME SOMETHING.
HOW MUCH DO YOU WEIGH?

AND TELL ME SOMETHING.
HOW MUCH DO YOU WEIGH?
83 POUNDS, LAST TIME I

HOW MUCH DO YOU WEIGH?
83 POUNDS, LAST TIME I
CHECKED.

83 POUNDS, LAST TIME I
CHECKED.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, THE LAST

CHECKED.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, THE LAST
TIME YOU CHECKED?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, THE LAST
TIME YOU CHECKED?
I MEAN, YOU'RE A MODEL.

TIME YOU CHECKED?
I MEAN, YOU'RE A MODEL.
YOU MUST BE A SLAVE TO THAT

I MEAN, YOU'RE A MODEL.
YOU MUST BE A SLAVE TO THAT
LITTLE RED NEEDLE ON THE SCALE.

YOU MUST BE A SLAVE TO THAT
LITTLE RED NEEDLE ON THE SCALE.
WELL, I GUESS I'M JUST LUCKY

LITTLE RED NEEDLE ON THE SCALE.
WELL, I GUESS I'M JUST LUCKY
THERE, CONNIE.

WELL, I GUESS I'M JUST LUCKY
THERE, CONNIE.
MY DOCTOR SAYS... HE ENCOURAGES

THERE, CONNIE.
MY DOCTOR SAYS... HE ENCOURAGES
ME TO EAT.

MY DOCTOR SAYS... HE ENCOURAGES
ME TO EAT.
HE SAYS, "VANESSA, JUST EAT

ME TO EAT.
HE SAYS, "VANESSA, JUST EAT
WHATEVER YOU WANT.

HE SAYS, "VANESSA, JUST EAT
WHATEVER YOU WANT.
YOU'LL NEVER HAVE A WEIGHT

WHATEVER YOU WANT.
YOU'LL NEVER HAVE A WEIGHT
PROBLEM.

YOU'LL NEVER HAVE A WEIGHT
PROBLEM.
YOU'RE JUST ONE OF THE LUCKY

PROBLEM.
YOU'RE JUST ONE OF THE LUCKY
ONES."

YOU'RE JUST ONE OF THE LUCKY
ONES."
[LAUGHS]

ONES."
[LAUGHS]
AND I GUESS I AM.

[LAUGHS]
AND I GUESS I AM.
WELL, VANESSA, I... VANESSA,

AND I GUESS I AM.
WELL, VANESSA, I... VANESSA,
VANESSA.

WELL, VANESSA, I... VANESSA,
VANESSA.
I-I JUST LOVE YOUR HAIR.

VANESSA.
I-I JUST LOVE YOUR HAIR.
OH.

I-I JUST LOVE YOUR HAIR.
OH.
DO YOU HAVE A PERMANENT?

OH.
DO YOU HAVE A PERMANENT?
NO, IT'S NATURAL.

DO YOU HAVE A PERMANENT?
NO, IT'S NATURAL.
OH.

NO, IT'S NATURAL.
OH.
WELL, DO YOU THINK I SHOULD GET

OH.
WELL, DO YOU THINK I SHOULD GET
A PERM?

WELL, DO YOU THINK I SHOULD GET
A PERM?
WELL, IF YOU WERE GOING TO

A PERM?
WELL, IF YOU WERE GOING TO
GET A PERM, YOU SHOULD HAVE

WELL, IF YOU WERE GOING TO
GET A PERM, YOU SHOULD HAVE
GOTTEN ONE ABOUT 2 YEARS AGO.

GET A PERM, YOU SHOULD HAVE
GOTTEN ONE ABOUT 2 YEARS AGO.
I MEAN, PERMS ARE REALLY OVER.

GOTTEN ONE ABOUT 2 YEARS AGO.
I MEAN, PERMS ARE REALLY OVER.
ACTUALLY, IT'S TOO BAD.

I MEAN, PERMS ARE REALLY OVER.
ACTUALLY, IT'S TOO BAD.
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN REALLY

ACTUALLY, IT'S TOO BAD.
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN REALLY
FLATTERING TO YOU.

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN REALLY
FLATTERING TO YOU.
BUT NOW, IT MIGHT BE SORT OF

FLATTERING TO YOU.
BUT NOW, IT MIGHT BE SORT OF
PATHETIC.

BUT NOW, IT MIGHT BE SORT OF
PATHETIC.
IT'S TOO BAD, THOUGH.

PATHETIC.
IT'S TOO BAD, THOUGH.
WELL, VANESSA, I GUESS WE'VE

IT'S TOO BAD, THOUGH.
WELL, VANESSA, I GUESS WE'VE
LEARNED THAT, UH, YOU'RE THE

WELL, VANESSA, I GUESS WE'VE
LEARNED THAT, UH, YOU'RE THE
KIND OF WOMAN THAT OTHER WOMEN

LEARNED THAT, UH, YOU'RE THE
KIND OF WOMAN THAT OTHER WOMEN
LOVE TO HATE.

KIND OF WOMAN THAT OTHER WOMEN
LOVE TO HATE.
HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL?

LOVE TO HATE.
HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL?
WELL, LUCKILY, ALL MY BEST

HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL?
WELL, LUCKILY, ALL MY BEST
FRIENDS ARE ALSO WOMEN THAT

WELL, LUCKILY, ALL MY BEST
FRIENDS ARE ALSO WOMEN THAT
OTHER WOMEN LOVE TO HATE.

FRIENDS ARE ALSO WOMEN THAT
OTHER WOMEN LOVE TO HATE.
AND, UM, WE ALL LOVE EACH OTHER

OTHER WOMEN LOVE TO HATE.
AND, UM, WE ALL LOVE EACH OTHER
A LOT.

AND, UM, WE ALL LOVE EACH OTHER
A LOT.
I MEAN, WE'RE ALL BEAUTIFUL,

A LOT.
I MEAN, WE'RE ALL BEAUTIFUL,
RICH, AND TALL AND THIN, AND WE

I MEAN, WE'RE ALL BEAUTIFUL,
RICH, AND TALL AND THIN, AND WE
DON'T MIND A BIT THAT WE DON'T

RICH, AND TALL AND THIN, AND WE
DON'T MIND A BIT THAT WE DON'T
HAVE A LOT OF SHORT, FAT, OLD

DON'T MIND A BIT THAT WE DON'T
HAVE A LOT OF SHORT, FAT, OLD
UGLY GIRLS AS FRIENDS.

HAVE A LOT OF SHORT, FAT, OLD
UGLY GIRLS AS FRIENDS.
VANESSA, DO, UM... DO PEOPLE,

UGLY GIRLS AS FRIENDS.
VANESSA, DO, UM... DO PEOPLE,
UH, TAKE IT FOR GRANTED THAT

VANESSA, DO, UM... DO PEOPLE,
UH, TAKE IT FOR GRANTED THAT
JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE A MODEL

UH, TAKE IT FOR GRANTED THAT
JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE A MODEL
YOU'RE STUPID?

JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE A MODEL
YOU'RE STUPID?
NO.

YOU'RE STUPID?
NO.
WELL, I SUPPOSE YOU GO OUT...

NO.
WELL, I SUPPOSE YOU GO OUT...
YOU MUST GO OUT WITH A LOT OF

WELL, I SUPPOSE YOU GO OUT...
YOU MUST GO OUT WITH A LOT OF
DIFFERENT MEN, LIKE, OH, FROM

YOU MUST GO OUT WITH A LOT OF
DIFFERENT MEN, LIKE, OH, FROM
MAN TO MAN LIKE A WHORE.

DIFFERENT MEN, LIKE, OH, FROM
MAN TO MAN LIKE A WHORE.
NOT AT ALL.

MAN TO MAN LIKE A WHORE.
NOT AT ALL.
YOU KNOW, THERE'S ONLY ONE MAN

NOT AT ALL.
YOU KNOW, THERE'S ONLY ONE MAN
IN MY LIFE, AND HE'S NOT JUST MY

YOU KNOW, THERE'S ONLY ONE MAN
IN MY LIFE, AND HE'S NOT JUST MY
LOVER.

IN MY LIFE, AND HE'S NOT JUST MY
LOVER.
HE'S MY BEST FRIEND.

LOVER.
HE'S MY BEST FRIEND.
WELL, THERE, YOU SEE, THAT'S

HE'S MY BEST FRIEND.
WELL, THERE, YOU SEE, THAT'S
WHAT BEING A MODEL IS.

WELL, THERE, YOU SEE, THAT'S
WHAT BEING A MODEL IS.
IT'S ONLY HAVING ONE MAN IN YOUR

WHAT BEING A MODEL IS.
IT'S ONLY HAVING ONE MAN IN YOUR
LIFE.

IT'S ONLY HAVING ONE MAN IN YOUR
LIFE.
I'M AFRAID THAT'S ALL THE TIME

LIFE.
I'M AFRAID THAT'S ALL THE TIME
WE HAVE ON "WOMAN TO WOMAN."

I'M AFRAID THAT'S ALL THE TIME
WE HAVE ON "WOMAN TO WOMAN."
I'M CONNIE CARSON, A YOUNG,

WE HAVE ON "WOMAN TO WOMAN."
I'M CONNIE CARSON, A YOUNG,
CAREER WOMAN WHO'S MADE A CAREER

I'M CONNIE CARSON, A YOUNG,
CAREER WOMAN WHO'S MADE A CAREER
OUT OF TALKING TO WOMEN ABOUT

CAREER WOMAN WHO'S MADE A CAREER
OUT OF TALKING TO WOMEN ABOUT
WOMEN AND THEIR CAREERS.

OUT OF TALKING TO WOMEN ABOUT
WOMEN AND THEIR CAREERS.
NEXT WEEK, BE SURE TO JOIN ME

WOMEN AND THEIR CAREERS.
NEXT WEEK, BE SURE TO JOIN ME
WHEN I'LL BE TALKING TO

NEXT WEEK, BE SURE TO JOIN ME
WHEN I'LL BE TALKING TO
LIZ TAYLOR AND HOW SHE COPES

WHEN I'LL BE TALKING TO
LIZ TAYLOR AND HOW SHE COPES
WITH ALL THAT NASTY PRESS ON HOW

LIZ TAYLOR AND HOW SHE COPES
WITH ALL THAT NASTY PRESS ON HOW
FAT SHE IS.

WITH ALL THAT NASTY PRESS ON HOW
FAT SHE IS.
THANKS.

♪ I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR ♪

♪ IN NUMBERS TOO BIG TO IGNORE ♪

♪ AND I KNOW TOO MUCH... ♪

I THINK OF MYSELF AS AN
ORDINARY, INTELLIGENT MAN, WHICH
JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU HOW STUPID

ORDINARY, INTELLIGENT MAN, WHICH
JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU HOW STUPID
I AM.

JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU HOW STUPID
I AM.
BUT I'VE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO

I AM.
BUT I'VE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO
UNDERSTAND THE KIND OF MUSIC I

BUT I'VE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO
UNDERSTAND THE KIND OF MUSIC I
USUALLY HEAR ON THIS SHOW.

UNDERSTAND THE KIND OF MUSIC I
USUALLY HEAR ON THIS SHOW.
MY MUSIC IS MOZART.

USUALLY HEAR ON THIS SHOW.
MY MUSIC IS MOZART.
WHEN LORNE MICHAELS ASKED ME

MY MUSIC IS MOZART.
WHEN LORNE MICHAELS ASKED ME
WHAT KIND OF MUSIC I LIKED, I

WHEN LORNE MICHAELS ASKED ME
WHAT KIND OF MUSIC I LIKED, I
SAID, "MOSTLY MOZART."

WHAT KIND OF MUSIC I LIKED, I
SAID, "MOSTLY MOZART."
AND THEN I ASKED HIM IF WE COULD

SAID, "MOSTLY MOZART."
AND THEN I ASKED HIM IF WE COULD
HAVE SOME MOZART ON THE SHOW,

AND THEN I ASKED HIM IF WE COULD
HAVE SOME MOZART ON THE SHOW,
AND HE AGREED.

HAVE SOME MOZART ON THE SHOW,
AND HE AGREED.
WE'LL BE COMING BACK TO THE

AND HE AGREED.
WE'LL BE COMING BACK TO THE
COMEDY IN A LITTLE WHILE.

WE'LL BE COMING BACK TO THE
COMEDY IN A LITTLE WHILE.
BUT IN THE MEANTIME, I'VE ASKED

COMEDY IN A LITTLE WHILE.
BUT IN THE MEANTIME, I'VE ASKED
GARRETT MORRIS, WHO IS A FINE,

BUT IN THE MEANTIME, I'VE ASKED
GARRETT MORRIS, WHO IS A FINE,
OPERATIC TENOR, TO SING

GARRETT MORRIS, WHO IS A FINE,
OPERATIC TENOR, TO SING
"DALLA SUA PACE" FROM MOZART'S

OPERATIC TENOR, TO SING
"DALLA SUA PACE" FROM MOZART'S
OPERA "DON GIOVANNI."

"DALLA SUA PACE" FROM MOZART'S
OPERA "DON GIOVANNI."
[APPLAUSE]

OPERA "DON GIOVANNI."
[APPLAUSE]
[INTRO PLAYS]

[APPLAUSE]
[INTRO PLAYS]
♪ DALLA SUA PACE ♪

[INTRO PLAYS]
♪ DALLA SUA PACE ♪
♪ LA MIA DIPENDE ♪

♪ DALLA SUA PACE ♪
♪ LA MIA DIPENDE ♪
♪ QUEL CHE A LEI PIACE ♪

♪ LA MIA DIPENDE ♪
♪ QUEL CHE A LEI PIACE ♪
♪ VITA MI RENDE ♪

♪ QUEL CHE A LEI PIACE ♪
♪ VITA MI RENDE ♪
♪ QUEL CHE LE INCRESCE ♪

♪ VITA MI RENDE ♪
♪ QUEL CHE LE INCRESCE ♪
♪ MORTE MI Dà ♪

♪ QUEL CHE LE INCRESCE ♪
♪ MORTE MI Dà ♪
♪ MO-O-O-O-RTE ♪

♪ MORTE MI Dà ♪
♪ MO-O-O-O-RTE ♪
♪ MORTE MI Dà ♪

♪ MO-O-O-O-RTE ♪
♪ MORTE MI Dà ♪
♪ S'ELLA SOSPIRA ♪

♪ MORTE MI Dà ♪
♪ S'ELLA SOSPIRA ♪
♪ SOSPIRO ANCH'IO ♪

♪ S'ELLA SOSPIRA ♪
♪ SOSPIRO ANCH'IO ♪
♪ è MIA QUELL'IRA ♪

♪ SOSPIRO ANCH'IO ♪
♪ è MIA QUELL'IRA ♪
♪ QUEL PIANTO è MIO ♪

♪ è MIA QUELL'IRA ♪
♪ QUEL PIANTO è MIO ♪
♪ E NON HO BENE ♪

♪ QUEL PIANTO è MIO ♪
♪ E NON HO BENE ♪
♪ S'ELLA NON L'HA ♪

♪ E NON HO BENE ♪
♪ S'ELLA NON L'HA ♪
♪ NON HO BENE ♪

♪ S'ELLA NON L'HA ♪
♪ NON HO BENE ♪
♪ S'ELLA NON L'HA ♪

♪ NON HO BENE ♪
♪ S'ELLA NON L'HA ♪
♪ E NON HO BENE ♪

♪ S'ELLA NON L'HA ♪
♪ E NON HO BENE ♪
♪ S'ELLA NON L'H-A-A-A-A-A ♪

♪ E NON HO BENE ♪
♪ S'ELLA NON L'H-A-A-A-A-A ♪
♪ DALLA SUA PACE ♪

♪ S'ELLA NON L'H-A-A-A-A-A ♪
♪ DALLA SUA PACE ♪
♪ LA MIA DIPENDE ♪

♪ DALLA SUA PACE ♪
♪ LA MIA DIPENDE ♪
♪ QUEL CHE A LEI PIACE ♪

♪ LA MIA DIPENDE ♪
♪ QUEL CHE A LEI PIACE ♪
♪ VITA MI RENDE ♪

♪ QUEL CHE A LEI PIACE ♪
♪ VITA MI RENDE ♪
♪ QUEL CHE LE INCRESCE ♪

♪ VITA MI RENDE ♪
♪ QUEL CHE LE INCRESCE ♪
♪ MORTE MI Dà ♪

♪ QUEL CHE LE INCRESCE ♪
♪ MORTE MI Dà ♪
♪ MO-O-O-O-RTE ♪

♪ MORTE MI Dà ♪
♪ MO-O-O-O-RTE ♪
♪ MORTE MI Dà ♪

♪ MORTE MI Dà ♪
♪ QUEL CHE LE INCRESCE ♪
♪ MORTE MI Dà ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

BRAVO!
BRAVO!
THANK YOU.

BRAVO!
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, GARRETT, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, GARRETT, THANK YOU.
THAT WAS VERY BEAUTIFUL.

THANK YOU, GARRETT, THANK YOU.
THAT WAS VERY BEAUTIFUL.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THAT WAS VERY BEAUTIFUL.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE
REGULAR CRAP.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE
REGULAR CRAP.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[HORNS HONKING IN DISTANCE]

YES! YES!
THAT'S RIGHT, CY.
I TOLD YOU A MILLION TIMES.

THAT'S RIGHT, CY.
I TOLD YOU A MILLION TIMES.
I GOT A DEAL ON ENGLISH BATTLE

I TOLD YOU A MILLION TIMES.
I GOT A DEAL ON ENGLISH BATTLE
JACKETS.

I GOT A DEAL ON ENGLISH BATTLE
JACKETS.
I GOT HOLLAND FIELD JACKETS.

JACKETS.
I GOT HOLLAND FIELD JACKETS.
I GOT RHODESIAN FATIGUES.

I GOT HOLLAND FIELD JACKETS.
I GOT RHODESIAN FATIGUES.
I GOT EVERYTHING.

I GOT RHODESIAN FATIGUES.
I GOT EVERYTHING.
I GOT THE ITALIAN CAMOUFLAGE

I GOT EVERYTHING.
I GOT THE ITALIAN CAMOUFLAGE
JACKETS.

I GOT THE ITALIAN CAMOUFLAGE
JACKETS.
THE KIDS ARE CRAZY ABOUT THEM.

JACKETS.
THE KIDS ARE CRAZY ABOUT THEM.
THEY'RE BUYING THEM LIKE HOT

THE KIDS ARE CRAZY ABOUT THEM.
THEY'RE BUYING THEM LIKE HOT
CAKES.

THEY'RE BUYING THEM LIKE HOT
CAKES.
ALSO, I GOT FOUR GROSS OF

CAKES.
ALSO, I GOT FOUR GROSS OF
TAIWANESE BASEBALL CAPS.

ALSO, I GOT FOUR GROSS OF
TAIWANESE BASEBALL CAPS.
NO, NO, NO.

TAIWANESE BASEBALL CAPS.
NO, NO, NO.
ONE SIZE. 6 1/4.

NO, NO, NO.
ONE SIZE. 6 1/4.
ALL ONE SIZE.

ONE SIZE. 6 1/4.
ALL ONE SIZE.
THAT'S WHY THEY'RE SO CHEAP.

ALL ONE SIZE.
THAT'S WHY THEY'RE SO CHEAP.
YEAH.

THAT'S WHY THEY'RE SO CHEAP.
YEAH.
LOOK, YOU CAN HAVE ALL THE

YEAH.
LOOK, YOU CAN HAVE ALL THE
JACKETS AND ALL THE CAPS.

LOOK, YOU CAN HAVE ALL THE
JACKETS AND ALL THE CAPS.
GIVE ME $39, ALL RIGHT, CY?

JACKETS AND ALL THE CAPS.
GIVE ME $39, ALL RIGHT, CY?
LOOK, I'M BUSY NOW.

GIVE ME $39, ALL RIGHT, CY?
LOOK, I'M BUSY NOW.
HANK, THE BELGIAN CARTRIDGE

LOOK, I'M BUSY NOW.
HANK, THE BELGIAN CARTRIDGE
BELTS ARE HERE.

HANK, THE BELGIAN CARTRIDGE
BELTS ARE HERE.
WHERE DO YOU WANT THEM?

BELTS ARE HERE.
WHERE DO YOU WANT THEM?
PUT THEM IN THE BACK, OLAN.

WHERE DO YOU WANT THEM?
PUT THEM IN THE BACK, OLAN.
WHAT BACK, HANK?

PUT THEM IN THE BACK, OLAN.
WHAT BACK, HANK?
THERE'S NO ROOM IN THE BACK,

WHAT BACK, HANK?
THERE'S NO ROOM IN THE BACK,
MAN.

THERE'S NO ROOM IN THE BACK,
MAN.
WELL, PUT THEM ON TOP OF THE

MAN.
WELL, PUT THEM ON TOP OF THE
BACK!

WELL, PUT THEM ON TOP OF THE
BACK!
OH. OKAY, OKAY.

BACK!
OH. OKAY, OKAY.
AND MOVE!

OH. OKAY, OKAY.
AND MOVE!
MOVE THE EAST GERMAN NECK

AND MOVE!
MOVE THE EAST GERMAN NECK
WARMERS, WILL YOU?

MOVE THE EAST GERMAN NECK
WARMERS, WILL YOU?
HUH?

WARMERS, WILL YOU?
HUH?
THE EAST GERMAN NECK WARMERS.

HUH?
THE EAST GERMAN NECK WARMERS.
MOVE THEM SO I CAN HAVE SOME

THE EAST GERMAN NECK WARMERS.
MOVE THEM SO I CAN HAVE SOME
ROOM IN THIS STORE!

MOVE THEM SO I CAN HAVE SOME
ROOM IN THIS STORE!
I'M SORRY. NO RETAIL, LADY.

ROOM IN THIS STORE!
I'M SORRY. NO RETAIL, LADY.
WE DON'T SELL RETAIL.

I'M SORRY. NO RETAIL, LADY.
WE DON'T SELL RETAIL.
I KNOW, HANK.

WE DON'T SELL RETAIL.
I KNOW, HANK.
I'M JESSICA SCHIFFMAN FROM...

I KNOW, HANK.
I'M JESSICA SCHIFFMAN FROM...
THE OWNER OF SHOT DOWN IN SOHO.

I'M JESSICA SCHIFFMAN FROM...
THE OWNER OF SHOT DOWN IN SOHO.
OH, RIGHT. RIGHT.

THE OWNER OF SHOT DOWN IN SOHO.
OH, RIGHT. RIGHT.
WE TALKED ON THE PHONE A

OH, RIGHT. RIGHT.
WE TALKED ON THE PHONE A
HUNDRED TIMES.

WE TALKED ON THE PHONE A
HUNDRED TIMES.
SURE, THE FLACK VESTS AND THE

HUNDRED TIMES.
SURE, THE FLACK VESTS AND THE
PARACHUTE PANTS.

SURE, THE FLACK VESTS AND THE
PARACHUTE PANTS.
RIGHT.

PARACHUTE PANTS.
RIGHT.
HEY, YOU'RE A LITTLE SKINNY

RIGHT.
HEY, YOU'RE A LITTLE SKINNY
SQUIRT.

HEY, YOU'RE A LITTLE SKINNY
SQUIRT.
YOU OWN THAT STORE?

SQUIRT.
YOU OWN THAT STORE?
YEAH, I OWN IT.

YOU OWN THAT STORE?
YEAH, I OWN IT.
YOU OWN THE STORE?

YEAH, I OWN IT.
YOU OWN THE STORE?
YEAH.

YOU OWN THE STORE?
YEAH.
[LAUGHS]

YEAH.
[LAUGHS]
HEY, THAT'S TERRIFIC.

[LAUGHS]
HEY, THAT'S TERRIFIC.
HOW OLD ARE YOU, 11?

HEY, THAT'S TERRIFIC.
HOW OLD ARE YOU, 11?
ARE YOU ABOUT 11?

HOW OLD ARE YOU, 11?
ARE YOU ABOUT 11?
WHAT ARE YOU, 11?

ARE YOU ABOUT 11?
WHAT ARE YOU, 11?
NO, I'M 23.

WHAT ARE YOU, 11?
NO, I'M 23.
LOOK, HANK, I CAME TO SEE YOU...

NO, I'M 23.
LOOK, HANK, I CAME TO SEE YOU...
YOU'RE 23?

LOOK, HANK, I CAME TO SEE YOU...
YOU'RE 23?
23. YEAH.

YOU'RE 23?
23. YEAH.
YOU LOOK 11.

23. YEAH.
YOU LOOK 11.
WELL, THANK YOU, BUT, LOOK...

YOU LOOK 11.
WELL, THANK YOU, BUT, LOOK...
[TELEPHONE RINGING]

WELL, THANK YOU, BUT, LOOK...
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
HELLO? WHO?

[TELEPHONE RINGING]
HELLO? WHO?
NO, I DON'T ACCEPT THE CHARGES.

HELLO? WHO?
NO, I DON'T ACCEPT THE CHARGES.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU WANT, KID?

NO, I DON'T ACCEPT THE CHARGES.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU WANT, KID?
I'M BUSY.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU WANT, KID?
I'M BUSY.
WELL, I JUST WANT TO SAY I

I'M BUSY.
WELL, I JUST WANT TO SAY I
THINK YOUR STUFF IS DYNAMITE.

WELL, I JUST WANT TO SAY I
THINK YOUR STUFF IS DYNAMITE.
REALLY.

THINK YOUR STUFF IS DYNAMITE.
REALLY.
I THINK YOU'RE AN ARTIST AT WHAT

REALLY.
I THINK YOU'RE AN ARTIST AT WHAT
YOU DO.

I THINK YOU'RE AN ARTIST AT WHAT
YOU DO.
I'VE SEEN YOUR ROCKET GOGGLES

YOU DO.
I'VE SEEN YOUR ROCKET GOGGLES
ABOUT THREE TIMES AT

I'VE SEEN YOUR ROCKET GOGGLES
ABOUT THREE TIMES AT
STUDIO 54... REALLY DYNAMITE.

ABOUT THREE TIMES AT
STUDIO 54... REALLY DYNAMITE.
GOOD, GOOD.

STUDIO 54... REALLY DYNAMITE.
GOOD, GOOD.
GET TO THE POINT, WILL YOU?

GOOD, GOOD.
GET TO THE POINT, WILL YOU?
I'M BUSY. BUSY HERE.

GET TO THE POINT, WILL YOU?
I'M BUSY. BUSY HERE.
WELL, I CAME HERE TO RETURN

I'M BUSY. BUSY HERE.
WELL, I CAME HERE TO RETURN
SOMETHING.

WELL, I CAME HERE TO RETURN
SOMETHING.
WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?

SOMETHING.
WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
THESE CANTEENS JUST AREN'T

WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
THESE CANTEENS JUST AREN'T
WORKING AS DISCO PURSES.

THESE CANTEENS JUST AREN'T
WORKING AS DISCO PURSES.
I'M SORRY.

WORKING AS DISCO PURSES.
I'M SORRY.
LOOK, I MEAN, EVERYONE SAID THE

I'M SORRY.
LOOK, I MEAN, EVERYONE SAID THE
COLORS WERE DYNAMITE, BUT THESE

LOOK, I MEAN, EVERYONE SAID THE
COLORS WERE DYNAMITE, BUT THESE
HOLES... THEY'RE TOO SMALL.

COLORS WERE DYNAMITE, BUT THESE
HOLES... THEY'RE TOO SMALL.
YOU KNOW?

HOLES... THEY'RE TOO SMALL.
YOU KNOW?
YOU PUT YOUR CAR KEYS IN IT...

YOU KNOW?
YOU PUT YOUR CAR KEYS IN IT...
SEE? LOOK? AND THEN YOU CAN

YOU PUT YOUR CAR KEYS IN IT...
SEE? LOOK? AND THEN YOU CAN
NEVER GET THEM OUT.

SEE? LOOK? AND THEN YOU CAN
NEVER GET THEM OUT.
NEVER.

NEVER GET THEM OUT.
NEVER.
LOOK, THESE CANTEENS WERE FOR

NEVER.
LOOK, THESE CANTEENS WERE FOR
SOLDIERS.

LOOK, THESE CANTEENS WERE FOR
SOLDIERS.
YOU UNDERSTAND? SOLDIERS?

SOLDIERS.
YOU UNDERSTAND? SOLDIERS?
SO THEY COULD DRINK WATER WHEN

YOU UNDERSTAND? SOLDIERS?
SO THEY COULD DRINK WATER WHEN
THEY WERE CRAWLING ON THEIR

SO THEY COULD DRINK WATER WHEN
THEY WERE CRAWLING ON THEIR
BELLIES AND FIGHTING A WAR.

THEY WERE CRAWLING ON THEIR
BELLIES AND FIGHTING A WAR.
THAT'S WHERE I WAS... FIGHTING A

BELLIES AND FIGHTING A WAR.
THAT'S WHERE I WAS... FIGHTING A
WAR SO THAT YOU COULD LIVE, A

THAT'S WHERE I WAS... FIGHTING A
WAR SO THAT YOU COULD LIVE, A
KID LIKE YOU.

WAR SO THAT YOU COULD LIVE, A
KID LIKE YOU.
SO, IF YOU GET SOME COCKAMAMIE

KID LIKE YOU.
SO, IF YOU GET SOME COCKAMAMIE
IDEA TO MAKE THESE THINGS INTO

SO, IF YOU GET SOME COCKAMAMIE
IDEA TO MAKE THESE THINGS INTO
DISCO PURPOSES... OR PURSES OR

IDEA TO MAKE THESE THINGS INTO
DISCO PURPOSES... OR PURSES OR
WHATEVER THE HELL YOU CALL

DISCO PURPOSES... OR PURSES OR
WHATEVER THE HELL YOU CALL
THEM... IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM.

WHATEVER THE HELL YOU CALL
THEM... IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM.
DAMN IT, THIS IS BUSINESS, KID.

THEM... IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM.
DAMN IT, THIS IS BUSINESS, KID.
BUSINESS!

DAMN IT, THIS IS BUSINESS, KID.
BUSINESS!
JESUS!

BUSINESS!
JESUS!
WELL, UH, HOW AM I GONNA GET

JESUS!
WELL, UH, HOW AM I GONNA GET
MY CAR KEYS OUT OF HERE?

WELL, UH, HOW AM I GONNA GET
MY CAR KEYS OUT OF HERE?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

MY CAR KEYS OUT OF HERE?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
YOU COULD ALWAYS TRY DYNAMITE!

WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
YOU COULD ALWAYS TRY DYNAMITE!
[CRYING]

YOU COULD ALWAYS TRY DYNAMITE!
[CRYING]
WHAT'S THE MATTER?

[CRYING]
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
WHAT'S WRONG, KID?

WHAT'S THE MATTER?
WHAT'S WRONG, KID?
HEY, COME ON.

WHAT'S WRONG, KID?
HEY, COME ON.
COME ON, STOP CRYING.

HEY, COME ON.
COME ON, STOP CRYING.
WHAT'S WRONG?

COME ON, STOP CRYING.
WHAT'S WRONG?
EVERYTHING!

WHAT'S WRONG?
EVERYTHING!
YOU'RE NOT, UH, PR... PREG...

EVERYTHING!
YOU'RE NOT, UH, PR... PREG...
NO.

YOU'RE NOT, UH, PR... PREG...
NO.
WAIT A MINUTE.

NO.
WAIT A MINUTE.
HEY, YOU'RE CRYING, UH... CRYING

WAIT A MINUTE.
HEY, YOU'RE CRYING, UH... CRYING
ON MY INVOICES.

HEY, YOU'RE CRYING, UH... CRYING
ON MY INVOICES.
YOU'LL GET THEM ALL BLURRY.

ON MY INVOICES.
YOU'LL GET THEM ALL BLURRY.
COME ON, KID.

YOU'LL GET THEM ALL BLURRY.
COME ON, KID.
NOTHING COULD BE THAT BAD.

COME ON, KID.
NOTHING COULD BE THAT BAD.
WHAT IS IT, HUH?

NOTHING COULD BE THAT BAD.
WHAT IS IT, HUH?
WHAT'S WRONG?

WHAT IS IT, HUH?
WHAT'S WRONG?
SOME GUY WALK OUT ON YOU?

WHAT'S WRONG?
SOME GUY WALK OUT ON YOU?
WORSE!

SOME GUY WALK OUT ON YOU?
WORSE!
HE'S JUST NOT INTERESTED IN ME

WORSE!
HE'S JUST NOT INTERESTED IN ME
ANYMORE AS A WOMAN.

HE'S JUST NOT INTERESTED IN ME
ANYMORE AS A WOMAN.
WELL, TO HELL WITH HIM.

ANYMORE AS A WOMAN.
WELL, TO HELL WITH HIM.
YOU DON'T NEED HIM.

WELL, TO HELL WITH HIM.
YOU DON'T NEED HIM.
YOU DON'T NEED HIM, KID!

YOU DON'T NEED HIM.
YOU DON'T NEED HIM, KID!
HOW OLD DID YOU SAY YOU WERE?

YOU DON'T NEED HIM, KID!
HOW OLD DID YOU SAY YOU WERE?
23!

HOW OLD DID YOU SAY YOU WERE?
23!
NO RETAIL, LADY.

23!
NO RETAIL, LADY.
WE DON'T SELL RETAIL.

NO RETAIL, LADY.
WE DON'T SELL RETAIL.
EXCUSE, PLEASE, TO TAKE TIME.

WE DON'T SELL RETAIL.
EXCUSE, PLEASE, TO TAKE TIME.
SNOW BOOTS... NINE SNOW BOOTS.

EXCUSE, PLEASE, TO TAKE TIME.
SNOW BOOTS... NINE SNOW BOOTS.
SNOW BOOTS, SNOW BOOTS, SNOW

SNOW BOOTS... NINE SNOW BOOTS.
SNOW BOOTS, SNOW BOOTS, SNOW
BOOTS, SNOW BOOTS, SNOW BOOTS,

SNOW BOOTS, SNOW BOOTS, SNOW
BOOTS, SNOW BOOTS, SNOW BOOTS,
SNOW BOOTS, SNOW BOOTS, SNOW

BOOTS, SNOW BOOTS, SNOW BOOTS,
SNOW BOOTS, SNOW BOOTS, SNOW
BOOTS, SNOW BOOTS, SNOW BOOTS,

SNOW BOOTS, SNOW BOOTS, SNOW
BOOTS, SNOW BOOTS, SNOW BOOTS,
SNOW BOOTS.

BOOTS, SNOW BOOTS, SNOW BOOTS,
SNOW BOOTS.
BLACK, BLACK, BLACK, BLUE, BLUE,

SNOW BOOTS.
BLACK, BLACK, BLACK, BLUE, BLUE,
BLUE, RED, BLUE, BLUE.

BLACK, BLACK, BLACK, BLUE, BLUE,
BLUE, RED, BLUE, BLUE.
WE DON'T SELL RETAIL, LADY.

BLUE, RED, BLUE, BLUE.
WE DON'T SELL RETAIL, LADY.
SNOW BOOTS.

WE DON'T SELL RETAIL, LADY.
SNOW BOOTS.
VERSTEHEN ENGLISH?

SNOW BOOTS.
VERSTEHEN ENGLISH?
NO RETAIL.

VERSTEHEN ENGLISH?
NO RETAIL.
SNOW BOOTS.

NO RETAIL.
SNOW BOOTS.
HEY, OLAN, OLAN.

SNOW BOOTS.
HEY, OLAN, OLAN.
GET RID OF THIS COMMUNIST HERE.

HEY, OLAN, OLAN.
GET RID OF THIS COMMUNIST HERE.
EXCUSE PLEASE TO TAKE TIME.

GET RID OF THIS COMMUNIST HERE.
EXCUSE PLEASE TO TAKE TIME.
SNOW BOOTS. NINE PAIR.

EXCUSE PLEASE TO TAKE TIME.
SNOW BOOTS. NINE PAIR.
I KNOW A GOOD PLACE.

SNOW BOOTS. NINE PAIR.
I KNOW A GOOD PLACE.
TAKE HER OUT OF HERE.

I KNOW A GOOD PLACE.
TAKE HER OUT OF HERE.
SNOW BOOTS.

TAKE HER OUT OF HERE.
SNOW BOOTS.
WHAT THE HELL IS SHE TALKING

SNOW BOOTS.
WHAT THE HELL IS SHE TALKING
ABOUT?

WHAT THE HELL IS SHE TALKING
ABOUT?
WHAT, UH... WHAT ABOUT THIS PUNK

ABOUT?
WHAT, UH... WHAT ABOUT THIS PUNK
BOYFRIEND OF YOURS WHO'S BLIND,

WHAT, UH... WHAT ABOUT THIS PUNK
BOYFRIEND OF YOURS WHO'S BLIND,
HUH?

BOYFRIEND OF YOURS WHO'S BLIND,
HUH?
I DON'T KNOW.

HUH?
I DON'T KNOW.
WE JUST USED TO BE SO TURNED ON

I DON'T KNOW.
WE JUST USED TO BE SO TURNED ON
TO EACH OTHER.

WE JUST USED TO BE SO TURNED ON
TO EACH OTHER.
WHAT, DO YOU SMOKE?

TO EACH OTHER.
WHAT, DO YOU SMOKE?
YOU SHOULDN'T SMOKE.

WHAT, DO YOU SMOKE?
YOU SHOULDN'T SMOKE.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, WE JUST

YOU SHOULDN'T SMOKE.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, WE JUST
COULDN'T KEEP OUR HANDS OFF EACH

I MEAN, YOU KNOW, WE JUST
COULDN'T KEEP OUR HANDS OFF EACH
OTHER.

COULDN'T KEEP OUR HANDS OFF EACH
OTHER.
NOW EVERY TIME I TOUCH HIM, HE

OTHER.
NOW EVERY TIME I TOUCH HIM, HE
SAYS IT TICKLES.

NOW EVERY TIME I TOUCH HIM, HE
SAYS IT TICKLES.
[SOBBING]

SAYS IT TICKLES.
[SOBBING]
HERE, HERE.

[SOBBING]
HERE, HERE.
COME ON.

HERE, HERE.
COME ON.
I CAN'T EVEN GET HIS

COME ON.
I CAN'T EVEN GET HIS
ATTENTION!

I CAN'T EVEN GET HIS
ATTENTION!
I PUT PERFUME HERE AND HERE.

ATTENTION!
I PUT PERFUME HERE AND HERE.
WHAT ABOUT IN HERE?

I PUT PERFUME HERE AND HERE.
WHAT ABOUT IN HERE?
YOU LIKE IT THERE?

WHAT ABOUT IN HERE?
YOU LIKE IT THERE?
THERE, YES.

YOU LIKE IT THERE?
THERE, YES.
I LOVE IT THERE.

THERE, YES.
I LOVE IT THERE.
WELL, HE HASN'T BEEN THERE IN

I LOVE IT THERE.
WELL, HE HASN'T BEEN THERE IN
THREE WEEKS!

WELL, HE HASN'T BEEN THERE IN
THREE WEEKS!
I DON'T KNOW.

THREE WEEKS!
I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG

I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG
WITH ME.

MAYBE THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG
WITH ME.
NO, THAT MAKES ME MAD.

WITH ME.
NO, THAT MAKES ME MAD.
A WOMAN LIKE YOU IS A TERRIFIC

NO, THAT MAKES ME MAD.
A WOMAN LIKE YOU IS A TERRIFIC
ITEM.

A WOMAN LIKE YOU IS A TERRIFIC
ITEM.
YOU'RE NOT... YOU'RE NOT JUST AN

ITEM.
YOU'RE NOT... YOU'RE NOT JUST AN
IRREGULAR SECOND.

YOU'RE NOT... YOU'RE NOT JUST AN
IRREGULAR SECOND.
YOU'RE QUALITY MERCHANDISE.

IRREGULAR SECOND.
YOU'RE QUALITY MERCHANDISE.
DON'T LET SOME JERK WITH

YOU'RE QUALITY MERCHANDISE.
DON'T LET SOME JERK WITH
MOTHBALLS FOR BRAINS TALK YOU

DON'T LET SOME JERK WITH
MOTHBALLS FOR BRAINS TALK YOU
INTO SELLING YOURSELF CHEAP!

MOTHBALLS FOR BRAINS TALK YOU
INTO SELLING YOURSELF CHEAP!
YOU'RE THE GENUINE ARTICLE!

INTO SELLING YOURSELF CHEAP!
YOU'RE THE GENUINE ARTICLE!
YOU SMELL GOOD THERE.

YOU'RE THE GENUINE ARTICLE!
YOU SMELL GOOD THERE.
[SMOOCHES]

YOU SMELL GOOD THERE.
[SMOOCHES]
HOW OLD ARE YOU?

[SMOOCHES]
HOW OLD ARE YOU?
23.

HOW OLD ARE YOU?
23.
REMEMBER ME?

23.
REMEMBER ME?
BRUNO WALD FROM BOTH SIDES NOW.

REMEMBER ME?
BRUNO WALD FROM BOTH SIDES NOW.
I, UM...

BRUNO WALD FROM BOTH SIDES NOW.
I, UM...
I'M LOOKING FOR BOY SCOUT PANTS.

I, UM...
I'M LOOKING FOR BOY SCOUT PANTS.
I NEED A GROSS, AND I NEED IT

I'M LOOKING FOR BOY SCOUT PANTS.
I NEED A GROSS, AND I NEED IT
NOW.

I NEED A GROSS, AND I NEED IT
NOW.
I'M DOING A CHRISTMAS THEME

NOW.
I'M DOING A CHRISTMAS THEME
WINDOW CALLED "SANTA'S LAP."

I'M DOING A CHRISTMAS THEME
WINDOW CALLED "SANTA'S LAP."
I'M DOING IT ALL IN SHORTS, AND

WINDOW CALLED "SANTA'S LAP."
I'M DOING IT ALL IN SHORTS, AND
I NEED BRITISH ARMY WALKING

I'M DOING IT ALL IN SHORTS, AND
I NEED BRITISH ARMY WALKING
SHORTS... ALL YOU'VE GOT...

I NEED BRITISH ARMY WALKING
SHORTS... ALL YOU'VE GOT...
TYROLEAN LEDERHOSEN.

SHORTS... ALL YOU'VE GOT...
TYROLEAN LEDERHOSEN.
THEY WENT LIKE A HOUSE ON FIRE.

TYROLEAN LEDERHOSEN.
THEY WENT LIKE A HOUSE ON FIRE.
AND I'LL BUY OUT YOUR STOCK IN

THEY WENT LIKE A HOUSE ON FIRE.
AND I'LL BUY OUT YOUR STOCK IN
PISTOL BELTS AND AMMO POUCHES.

AND I'LL BUY OUT YOUR STOCK IN
PISTOL BELTS AND AMMO POUCHES.
OH.

PISTOL BELTS AND AMMO POUCHES.
OH.
OLAN, OLAN, TAKE CARE OF

OH.
OLAN, OLAN, TAKE CARE OF
BRUNO, PLEASE.

OLAN, OLAN, TAKE CARE OF
BRUNO, PLEASE.
OLAN'S HERE.

BRUNO, PLEASE.
OLAN'S HERE.
HE KNOWS WHAT I WANT.

OLAN'S HERE.
HE KNOWS WHAT I WANT.
YES, HE DOES.

HE KNOWS WHAT I WANT.
YES, HE DOES.
THAT'S A SPECTACULAR OUTFIT,

YES, HE DOES.
THAT'S A SPECTACULAR OUTFIT,
DARLING, REALLY.

THAT'S A SPECTACULAR OUTFIT,
DARLING, REALLY.
YOU KNOW THOSE CUTE, LITTLE

DARLING, REALLY.
YOU KNOW THOSE CUTE, LITTLE
POUCHES, OLAN...

YOU KNOW THOSE CUTE, LITTLE
POUCHES, OLAN...
HUH?

POUCHES, OLAN...
HUH?
YOU FEELINGS BETTER?

HUH?
YOU FEELINGS BETTER?
YES, THANK YOU.

YOU FEELINGS BETTER?
YES, THANK YOU.
I WAS JUST PROTECTING MY

YES, THANK YOU.
I WAS JUST PROTECTING MY
STOCK.

I WAS JUST PROTECTING MY
STOCK.
I DON'T WANT ANY FLOODS IN HERE.

STOCK.
I DON'T WANT ANY FLOODS IN HERE.
LOOK, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M

I DON'T WANT ANY FLOODS IN HERE.
LOOK, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M
GONNA DO.

LOOK, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M
GONNA DO.
I'LL TAKE BACK THE CANTEENS AT

GONNA DO.
I'LL TAKE BACK THE CANTEENS AT
HALF PRICE.

I'LL TAKE BACK THE CANTEENS AT
HALF PRICE.
YOU WILL?!

HALF PRICE.
YOU WILL?!
YEAH.

YOU WILL?!
YEAH.
OH, GOD.

YEAH.
OH, GOD.
HERE.

OH, GOD.
HERE.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.

HERE.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THAT'S RIGHT, RIGHT, $30?

THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THAT'S RIGHT, RIGHT, $30?
OH, YES. $30.

THAT'S RIGHT, RIGHT, $30?
OH, YES. $30.
THANK YOU.

OH, YES. $30.
THANK YOU.
KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT, KID.

THANK YOU.
KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT, KID.
YOU'LL PUT ME OUT OF BUSINESS.

KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT, KID.
YOU'LL PUT ME OUT OF BUSINESS.
I WON'T TELL ANYBODY YOU'RE A

YOU'LL PUT ME OUT OF BUSINESS.
I WON'T TELL ANYBODY YOU'RE A
PUSHOVER.

I WON'T TELL ANYBODY YOU'RE A
PUSHOVER.
THANK YOU.

PUSHOVER.
THANK YOU.
HOW OLD ARE YOU?

THANK YOU.
HOW OLD ARE YOU?
23.

HOW OLD ARE YOU?
23.
LOOKS 11.

23.
LOOKS 11.
WHAT THE HELL AM I GONNA DO WITH

LOOKS 11.
WHAT THE HELL AM I GONNA DO WITH
THESE FRUITY CANTEEN...

WHAT THE HELL AM I GONNA DO WITH
THESE FRUITY CANTEEN...
OH, BRUNEY.

Announcer: NEXT FRIDAY NIGHT
ON NBC, AN ALL-STAR CELEBRITY
SPORTS SPECTACULAR...

THE BIGGEST STARS WITH THE

BIGGEST T's AND THE NICEST A's.

CHARLIE'S ANGEL CHERYL LADD.

WONDER WOMAN LYNDA CARTER.

ALL YOUR FAVORITE T's AND A's,

INCLUDING COOCHIE-COOCHIE GIRL

CHARO AND SOMETIME GAME-SHOW

GUEST STAR CAROL WAYNE.

PLUS, THE DALLAS COWBOY

CHEERLEADERS.

NETWORK BATTLE OF THE

T's AND A's.

FRIDAY AT 10:00, 4:30 CENTRAL,

2:00 MOUNTAIN.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
WHOOPS.
HEY, KIDS.

WHOOPS.
HEY, KIDS.
GEE, YOU'RE A LITTLE EARLY

HEY, KIDS.
GEE, YOU'RE A LITTLE EARLY
TODAY.

GEE, YOU'RE A LITTLE EARLY
TODAY.
OH, MR. BILL'S NOT HERE YET, BUT

TODAY.
OH, MR. BILL'S NOT HERE YET, BUT
HE'S ON HIS WAY.

OH, MR. BILL'S NOT HERE YET, BUT
HE'S ON HIS WAY.
SO WHILE WE'RE WAITING, HIS DOG

HE'S ON HIS WAY.
SO WHILE WE'RE WAITING, HIS DOG
SPOT IS GONNA DO SOME TRICKS TO

SO WHILE WE'RE WAITING, HIS DOG
SPOT IS GONNA DO SOME TRICKS TO
ENTERTAIN US.

SPOT IS GONNA DO SOME TRICKS TO
ENTERTAIN US.
YOU READY SPOT?

ENTERTAIN US.
YOU READY SPOT?
[BARKS]

YOU READY SPOT?
[BARKS]
NOW, FIRST, ANIMAL TRAINER

[BARKS]
NOW, FIRST, ANIMAL TRAINER
SLUGGO SAYS YOU'RE GONNA ROLL

NOW, FIRST, ANIMAL TRAINER
SLUGGO SAYS YOU'RE GONNA ROLL
OVER, SO ROLL OVER.

SLUGGO SAYS YOU'RE GONNA ROLL
OVER, SO ROLL OVER.
SO, ROLL OVER, SPOT.

OVER, SO ROLL OVER.
SO, ROLL OVER, SPOT.
ROLL OVER.

SO, ROLL OVER, SPOT.
ROLL OVER.
COME ON BACK.

ROLL OVER.
COME ON BACK.
THAT'S A GOOD DOG, SPOT.

COME ON BACK.
THAT'S A GOOD DOG, SPOT.
NOW SLUGGO SAYS YOU'RE GONNA

THAT'S A GOOD DOG, SPOT.
NOW SLUGGO SAYS YOU'RE GONNA
JUMP THROUGH THE RING OF FIRE.

NOW SLUGGO SAYS YOU'RE GONNA
JUMP THROUGH THE RING OF FIRE.
SO JUMP HIGH, SPOT.

JUMP THROUGH THE RING OF FIRE.
SO JUMP HIGH, SPOT.
BE CAREFUL.

SO JUMP HIGH, SPOT.
BE CAREFUL.
OW!

BE CAREFUL.
OW!
NOW, FETCH THE NEWSPAPER.

OW!
NOW, FETCH THE NEWSPAPER.
OH, LOOK, HERE COMES MR. BILL.

NOW, FETCH THE NEWSPAPER.
OH, LOOK, HERE COMES MR. BILL.
OH, KIDDIES. HEY.

OH, LOOK, HERE COMES MR. BILL.
OH, KIDDIES. HEY.
OH, I'M SO SORRY I WAS LATE

OH, KIDDIES. HEY.
OH, I'M SO SORRY I WAS LATE
TODAY, BUT A... HEY,

OH, I'M SO SORRY I WAS LATE
TODAY, BUT A... HEY,
WAS THAT SPOT I HEARD?

TODAY, BUT A... HEY,
WAS THAT SPOT I HEARD?
YEAH, HE BROUGHT YOUR MORNING

WAS THAT SPOT I HEARD?
YEAH, HE BROUGHT YOUR MORNING
PAPER.

YEAH, HE BROUGHT YOUR MORNING
PAPER.
OH, N-O-O-O!

PAPER.
OH, N-O-O-O!
OH, YOU KNOW, MR. HANDS, I'M

OH, N-O-O-O!
OH, YOU KNOW, MR. HANDS, I'M
BEGINNING TO THINK YOU'RE NOT

OH, YOU KNOW, MR. HANDS, I'M
BEGINNING TO THINK YOU'RE NOT
SUCH A GOOD FRIEND.

BEGINNING TO THINK YOU'RE NOT
SUCH A GOOD FRIEND.
YOU KNOW, YOU ALWAYS LET THAT

SUCH A GOOD FRIEND.
YOU KNOW, YOU ALWAYS LET THAT
BULLY SLUGGO PICK ON ME, AND,

YOU KNOW, YOU ALWAYS LET THAT
BULLY SLUGGO PICK ON ME, AND,
WELL, I THINK I'M GONNA PUNCH

BULLY SLUGGO PICK ON ME, AND,
WELL, I THINK I'M GONNA PUNCH
HIM IN THE FACE, HUH?

WELL, I THINK I'M GONNA PUNCH
HIM IN THE FACE, HUH?
WELL, WE'LL HAVE TO TALK

HIM IN THE FACE, HUH?
WELL, WE'LL HAVE TO TALK
ABOUT THAT LATER, MR. BILL,

WELL, WE'LL HAVE TO TALK
ABOUT THAT LATER, MR. BILL,
BECAUSE WE'RE ALL OUT OF TIME.

ABOUT THAT LATER, MR. BILL,
BECAUSE WE'RE ALL OUT OF TIME.
SO, WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT SHOW,

BECAUSE WE'RE ALL OUT OF TIME.
SO, WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT SHOW,
KIDS, WHEN MR. BILL GOES

SO, WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT SHOW,
KIDS, WHEN MR. BILL GOES
BOWLING.

HEY, MAUREEN, GOOD NIGHT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: NEXT SATURDAY

NIGHT, OUR HOST WILL BE

ERIC IDLE, WITH MUSICAL GUEST

KATE BUSH.

THIS IS DON PARDO, AND I'VE

WAITED 90 MINUTES JUST TO SAY

GOOD NIGHT.